We Weren't Crazy
by Oneturtledove
Summary: This is your life. Are you who you want to be? Post-season 2. Lindsay/Adam, Danny/OC.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: They are not mine. The End.

Spoilers: Loosely follows the series.

A/N: Now, as much as I love Dantana (and I do, I swear) I am of the tiny school of thought that Danny and Lindsay wouldn't have stayed together had Lucy not happened. I also think everyone's lives are fraught with way too much drama, and as such, I wanted to give my favorite CSI a little joy. Enter Adam. That's right.

_We were lovin' blind - borderline reckless  
We were livin' for the minute we were spinnin' in  
Maybe we were a lot of things  
But we weren't crazy

* * *

_

"Adam, this was a bad idea," Lindsay muttered looking up from the instruction booklet she was holding. "I think you killed it."

"I'll fix it."

"I don't have a soldering iron, so no, I don't think you will."

"I'll jerry-rig it."

"You'll jerry-rig my entire sound system?"

"I can try."

"Man, the things we get into trying to watch Star Wars in surround sound."

"Dolby digital."

She sighed and picked at the button that was coming off her shirt.

"I'm going to go make popcorn."

"It's gonna get cold before we get the movie started."

"Yeah, I'm getting the popcorn for the entertainment that is you trying to fix this mess."

He scowled at her retreating back, then turned his attention back to the sound system. He had messed it up 7 miles east of totally screwed, but he wasn't going to let her know that.

"How come you didn't tell me you brought candy?" came her accusatory voice from the kitchen.

"Because you'd pounce on that like a sunburn on an Irish guy."

"I don't know if I want to know the connection between candy and an Irish guy, nor do I need to speculate on the connotations of there not being any left for you."

"And now I can only picture Conan O'Brien eating jelly beans in his boxers. Thanks, Linds."

She nearly hit her head on the counter as she doubled over with laughter.

"You just wait. I am going to bring that up someday when you least expect it. It's going to be great."

"Yeah, I can feel the love."

She giggled and put a bag of popcorn into the microwave, giving it an extra thirty seconds because Adam liked it just to the point of almost burnt. She hopped up onto the counter and sighed, looking down at the dishes that filled her sink. She hated dishes with a passion, and always put them off until she was eating cereal out of a mug or rummaging around in the drawers looking for chopsticks to eat spaghetti with.

"Hey Adam, do you love me?"

"'Course."

"Wanna do my dishes?"

"'Course not."

"Half of them are yours."

"Then I'd be doing it out of guilt, not love."

"You have a point."

"I usually do."

The microwave beeped and she pulled the popcorn out, wrinkling her nose at the slightly charred odor. They would definitely not be sharing this bag.

"I think I fixed it," he reported, coming into the room.

"Was there duct tape used in the fixing of this sound system?"

"Yes, but no ducks were harmed."

"I appreciate that. I don't want to be haunted by sad quacking at night."

They chuckled and he opened the popcorn bag.

"Mmm, perfection."

"I do not understand this facet of your character," she commented as he ate a handful of the almost black kernels.

"Well something has to remain a mystery. Like why you have 15 different tubes of toothpaste."

"Shuddup."

He chuckled and leaned in for a quick kiss.

"You taste like burnt popcorn," she said, wrinkling her nose again.

"You taste like toothpaste," he countered.

She smiled and her fingers dragged across his scalp lazily. They'd been such good friends for long enough that slipping into dating had been relatively easy. It had only been a month, but they were having fun, making sure to go slow and keep the pressure off. So far it was working. She had laughed more in the last few weeks than she had laughed in the last few years. Keeping it a secret from everyone else had been the hardest part of the whole thing, but it seemed that no one knew.

"Give me thirty seconds and I'll help you with the dishes," he said finally, heading back into the other room. "It'll be epic."

"Epic, huh?"

"Yep."

Suddenly the apartment was filled with orchestral music and she slid off the counter, rolling her eyes, but agreeing that doing the dishes to Star Wars music was pretty epic. She turned the water on in one side of the sink and battled the plates and bowls to plug it before squirting soap in.

She felt his hands on her hips and she smiled as his chin came to rest on her shoulder.

"You're pretty," he said softly.

"I'm dusty and sweaty from moving all that stuff and-"

"You're pretty," he repeated. He was so certain of what he was saying that she didn't dare argue.

"You're not bad yourself."

"My abs need work."

"They do not. Now start scrubbing that pot."

"Yes ma'am," he said, moving to the other side of the sink. They scrubbed, washed and rinsed in near silence, save for the giggles as they purposefully ran into each other. He moved to put the frying pan back on the stove, then turned around to find Lindsay with butter knives between her fingers.

"Look, I'm Wolverine," she said with a smile. He rolled his eyes and pulled the knives from her hand.

"Clearly we've been spending too much time together."

"You like me, admit it."

"Yeah, I guess so. Come on, prune fingers."

He grabbed her hand as the sink drained and gurgled behind them, leading her out to the other room. She settled into the couch as he put the DVD in the player then found the remote.

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

He slid his arm around her shoulders and tipped her chin up so she was looking him in the eye.

"I'm pretty sure that I'm really, really lucky."

Her smile was bright and went all the way to her eyes.

"I'm pretty sure that I'm really, really lucky too," she agreed, lacing her fingers through his. He pressed a kiss to her hair and smiled as she leaned against him. Lucky was an understatement.


	2. Chapter 2

Lindsay couldn't remember the last time she had laughed so hard. Her stomach was cramping, she could hardly breathe, and she was sure the tears trailing down her face were making her look just lovely. She didn't really care, to be honest. She was sitting on the counter in the break room, listening to Danny, Flack, and Adam argue about Flack's inability to wear anything but suits, and if that meant there was something feminine about him. So far they were just insulting each other and in the last few minutes, the conversation had turned to include the fact that Adam had two cats and one of them was named Fluffy. She wasn't sure how that fit in, but she figured throwing it out there had been a wise decision.

"Men, real men, we're supposed to have dogs," Danny said, shaking his head. "Why in the world do you have cats?"

"Because I like cats! They're cool!"

"I gotta agree with Danny here, even though he called me a sissy. Cats are for women. Lindsay should have cats."

"Hey! What are you trying to say, Flack?"

"What?"

"Are you calling me a cat lady?"

"Well… I… it's not that…"

The look on his face was priceless and she couldn't hold her composure any longer. A huge guffaw bubbled out and she nearly fell off the counter.

"Did you guys break Lindsay again?" Stella asked as she came into the room, her hands on her hips.

"No, she was broken when we got here!" Danny said, holding up his hands in mock innocence.

"Well can someone fix her? I need her help."

Lindsay righted herself and calmed her breathing before sliding off the counter.

"Okay, I'm better."

"Good. I broke that printer again. And since no one else in this room will ever learn how to fix it…"

"Stell," Flack started, his eyebrow going up. "Shouldn't you be a real leader and learn to fix it yourself?"

"Excuse me?"

"She gets mean on Mac's days off," Adam commented to Danny who nodded.

"Heard that," Stella tossed over her shoulder as she and Lindsay left the room. "Sometimes I think we should get hazard pay for working with so many boys."

"I totally agree," Lindsay said with a nod, taking the front cover off the printer. "Did you manage to get anything printed?"

"Nope. It just made that sad beeping noise and kind of died."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I don't think you broke it. I am pretty sure someone else did and then walked off and left it."

They looked at each other and grinned.

"Danny."

Shaking her head, Lindsay turned back to the printer where she battled the paper, the rollers and even the ink cartridge before finally getting the thing in working order.

"We have got to get a new printer. This thing sucks."

"I agree. I even told Mac that and he said that it's just a printer and we don't need to spend money on it."

"So he wants our test results to be printed crooked? How professional is that?"

"I never claimed to understand the man."

"I don't think anyone did. I think you're all set to go here."

"Thanks. Hey, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Are you and Adam…"

"Oh geez."

"…dating?"

"What makes you think that?"

"You two are always together."

"So are you and Mac."

"Okay, granted. But there seems to be a vibe there. I dunno, maybe I'm just bored."

"Maybe you are. Go see a movie or something."

Stella chuckled and Lindsay left the room, feeling triumphant for evading the question and not having to lie either. She and Adam didn't do much talking about their relationship and she wasn't sure she was ready to bring it up either.

* * *

"So Coney Island," Lindsay said with a chuckle. "We're such tourists."

"No shame in that, as long as no one sees us."

"I suppose," she agree with a shrug.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I guess I just… I expected Coney Island to be a little more…"

"Better?"

"Yeah!"

"It is kind of disappointing after Disneyland."

"Totally."

"We'll go walk on the beach instead."

He took her hand and they walked to the sand, their shoes immediately filling. Wrinkling her nose, Lindsay stopped and took her shoes off, letting her bare feet sink into the sand.

"Now that's summer," she commented as they moved closer to the water.

"So…"

"So what?"

"My mom is going to be in town."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. In two weeks. She and my step-dad are going on a cruise and their flight to Florida goes through JFK. They have a four hour layover, so I'm meeting them at the airport for lunch."

"Oh."

"And um… while they're on the cruise my little sister is going to stay with me."

"Hannah, right?"

"Yeah. She's five."

"Are you going to take vacation days?"

"A few. I already talked to Mac about it, he said he'll try to get me as many as I need, but my cousin Sarah said she'll take Hannah if I have to work."

She smiled and turned to look at him.

"You're excited."

"Yeah. I don't get to see Hannah all that much, so it'll be nice to have her around for a while."

"This just means you get to play with toys and not feel weird about it."

"That too."

They chuckled and he squeezed her hand.

"So I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Want to come with me to the airport?"

"You mean to meet your mother?"

"Well… yeah."

"Okay."

"Okay? Just like that?"

"Why not?" she said with a little shrug.

"You're something else, you know that?"

She smiled as he pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Hey Adam, can we sit?"

"Oooh, ominous."

"Not ominous. Just… can we sit?"

He nodded and they found a spot in the sand that was away from the majority of the people on the beach.

"I want to ask your opinion on something."

"What's that?"

"Stella said something to me yesterday," she began, picking at her cuticles. He put his hand over hers, forcing her to look up at him. She sighed. "She asked if we were dating."

"Oh."

"I wasn't sure what to say. I mean, I know that we… but I didn't know if we should tell people or what. I don't want to lie about it, that makes it seem like we're doing something wrong. But I didn't want to just start talking about it either."

"So what did you say?"

"Nothing really. Made some comment about her and Mac."

"Linds!"

"Well, I didn't know what else to say! And she wasn't mad, it was just all I could think of. I just… I know we're not going to go bringing it up in conversation, but if someone asks, can we tell them?"

He thought for a minute, his eyes scanning the water.

"I think if someone asks, then yeah, we can tell them. But maybe not everyone that asks. Stella, sure, tell her. Danny, no."

"Why not Danny?"

"He still has a thing for you."

"He does not."

"Denial."

"Look, I am the first to admit that for a while it felt like there was something there, but whatever it was, it's gone. I promise."

"You don't have to convince me, Linds. You did pick me after all."

"Yes, and I am a very, very smart woman."

"That you are."

He slid her arm around her and she leaned into him with a little sigh.

"Lindsay, are you happy?"

"Yes. Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Because I don't want you to not be."

"I'm happy, Adam. And it's not going to change, no matter how many times you annoy me with that question."

"Good. Let's go get something to eat."

She smiled as he hauled her up from the sand.

"What do you think; Coney Island hot dog?"

"Only if we want our stomachs pumped."

"Now there's a good bonding experience."

"Leave it to you to find the silver lining, Adam."

"I'd just be a grump if I didn't."

"Very true."

They walked silently and slowly for a while, enjoying the night air and the ability to be together without words. It was a nice change for both of them compared to previous relationships. They just fit. They worked. They made sense. She could dance around to bad music, sing at the top of her lungs, wear old sweats and no make-up and with him, that was okay. He made her comfortable in her skin. She'd never been so sure of herself before.

"Hey Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"You should win me one of those huge, obnoxious stuffed animals."

"I should?" he asked skeptically.

"Well, a good boyfriend would."

"I guess I suck then."

She snickered and leaned over to hug him.

"An even better boyfriend does not break under the whines of his girlfriend. And for that I thank you and bestow on you the Real Man award."

"Are you going to knight me now?"

"If I had a scepter I might."

"You're kind of a major dork."

"Thank you for noticing."

He stopped walking and pulled her against him, framing her face with his hands and looking into her eyes for a moment before kissing her. Surprised as she was for the public display of affection, she managed to slide her arms around him and remain upright. Each kiss harkened back to the first one, full of such reverence and promise that it still took her breath away. His fingers played in her hair for a moment before he pulled away. She smiled up at him, her eyes nearly at half mast.

"You're good at that," she whispered, her words almost taken away by the wind.

"Thank you for noticing."

They shared a smile and he brushed her hair back from her forehead.

"So, dinner?"

"Let's have some."

"Not pizza or burgers or Chinese though."

"What's left?"

"Hmm. Tacos?"

"Sounds good. But only if we refrain from the hot sauce contest this time. Because that was just childish."

"Yeah, but you won twenty bucks."

"I suppose things all work out then."

He grinned and they made their way down the beach, playfully pushing and poking each other. By the time they reached the boardwalk, she had jumped on his back, her shoes clutched in her hands and thumping against his chest with every step.

"We're too old for this."

"No one has to know how old we are," he retorted.

"True. I guess comparatively we're pretty young."

"See? We're not too old for anything."

"Hey wanna jump on a bed later?"

"Read my mind."

She giggled and kissed his cheek.

"You have no idea how much I love you right now."

An hour later they were driving home, windows down and the radio on. They were laughing and singing at the top of their lungs and as the wind whipped across her face, she couldn't remember another moment of such freedom. It was the warmth of summer, the laziness of the day and the joy of the night, and she never wanted it to end.


	3. Chapter 3

"Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay Linds-"

"Saying my name over and over isn't going to make me move faster and you're fifteen minutes early so just simmer down about four notches there, turbo."

"Feisty."

"Impatient."

He made a face at her in the mirror, then went back out to the front room.

"I'm picking your shoes!"

She sighed and finished putting her make-up on before joining him. He held out a pair of boots and she steadied herself with a hand on his shoulder while she slipped into them. Shaking her jeans so they weren't bunched up on top of the boot, she righted herself and allowed him to pull her into his arms.

"You smell good," he commented, pressing a kiss to her ear. She shivered at the gentle contact, a smile spreading across her face.

"Adam…" she started as his lips moved to her neck.

"Hmm?"

"You're all impatient to leave and now you're delaying our departure a lot."

"Well, I was fifteen minutes early."

She giggled and pulled away as much as she could without completely rejecting him.

"Decorum, sir."

"Do you know how difficult you make my life?" he asked, his hands sliding down her arms to wrap around her fingers.

"Hey, I am not interested in meeting your mom while I am sporting a hickey, and I can't think of any reason to be wearing a turtle neck in June."

"You keep me out of trouble."

"Well someone's gotta."

He gave her a quick peck, then tugged her hand towards the door.

"Okay, we can go now."

"Hey."

He stopped his movements and turned back to her.

"What?"

Before the word was out of his mouth she had grabbed his shirt and crushed her lips to his, returning his affections quickly and with such force his head was almost spinning.

"Um…"

"Come on, we gotta go."

"Lindsay Joy Monroe, you wild, wild woman."

She smirked and locked the door behind them, loving the ability to knock him on his butt.

* * *

The drive to the airport was long and they were stuck behind several huge trucks for what felt like hours. They had his iPod, but they couldn't agree on anything. They played I Spy, but the scenery never changed, leaving very little to spy. In the end they played "A my name is Alice" and had gotten all the way to "O my name is Olive and my husbands name is Oswald and we live in Ottowa and we sell organ grinders" when they finally arrived at the airport. They found a spot that was close enough to the actual airport that they wouldn't have to take a shuttle to get inside. They were a few minutes late and navigated the crowds to find the restaurant where Adam's family was waiting.

"Brudder, it's me!"

They looked over and saw Hannah sitting on her dad's shoulders, but struggling to get down. Adam chuckled and headed over there, reaching her just as her feet hit the ground. She jumped into his arms and squealed when he tossed her in the air.

"Brudder, guess what, guess what?"

"What, what?"

"I don't even remember!"

He laughed and kissed her cheek and she held tightly to him as if he was the most exciting thing she had ever seen in her life. Lindsay grinned as she watched them, loving this new facet of Adam more than she thought she would.

Introductions were made and they headed into the restaurant, Adam discussing gas prices and the weather with his step-dad, while his mother tried to convince Hannah that she was not going to be having chocolate cake for lunch.

"But mommy, Brudder would let me have cake for lunch!"

"Brother would not let you have cake for lunch my dear. Not after the ice-cream for dinner fiasco. He's learned his lesson."

Lindsay glanced over at Adam who just smiled and pulled her chair out at the table. His fingers grazed across her neck and they shared a look before he sat down next to her.

The conversation moved easily from one subject to the next and it wasn't long before Lindsay felt totally at ease around Adam's parents. They reminded her a lot of her own, truth be told.

"Brudder, can you draw me a chinchilla?"

"That is the strangest request I've ever heard," Adam said, taking the notepad from his sister and quickly sketching some kind of rodent. Lindsay giggled and he narrowed his eyes at her.

"You can do a mock up of a crime scene that is perfectly to scale, but you can't draw a chinchilla."

"Neither can you."

"You win."

"Brudder, this kind of looks like nothing."

"Is this pick on Adam day?"

"Yes," everyone at the table answered. He grimaced and Lindsay squeezed his hand under the table.

* * *

"Can I pick the music?" Hannah asked as Adam adjusted her booster seat in the back of the car. She hopped from foot to foot, her ponytail slapping against her back.

"Sure, just gimme a minute to-"

"Where's your iPod?" she asked, climbing into the front seat and searching around for it. Lindsay smirked and closed the trunk where she had been trying to fit Hannah's suitcase in among all of Adam's stuff.

"I ate it," Adam replied, earning a giggle from Hannah. "Just wait a sec, okay?"

"Need help in there?" Lindsay asked, poking her head in the door.

"No, I got it. It's just hot in here and I keep burning myself on the buckle."

"You should always carry a handkerchief."

"You did not just say that to me."

She grinned and kissed his cheek before moving out of his way and sliding into the passenger seat.

"Miss Lindsay, do you know where Brudder's iPod is at?"

"Yeah, it's right here," she answered, pulling it out of the glove box. "What do you want to listen to?"

"Um… I dunno."

"Well what's your favorite?" she asked, scrolling through the folders of music. They were organized alphabetically, but she recognized very little of what he had labeled.

"I like Tim McGraw the best. And Faith Hill. And George Strait. And Blake Shelton. And um… Sara Evans! And the Dixie Chicks. And Brooks and Dunn and… pretty much all of them."

"Adam, you didn't tell me your sister liked country music."

"Surprise."

"Ooh, can we listen to Kerosene? I'm tryna learn all the words."

"Hannah, you're so cool," Lindsay said with a grin. Hannah nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Alright squirt, come get in your seat."

Hannah scrambled from the front seat into the back and buckled herself in. Her Converse clad feet swung back and forth as the music started.

"I'm waitin' on the sun to set cuz yesterday ain't over yet," she sang, her voice slipping into a twang that Lindsay suspected she had picked up from watching too much CMT. "I started smokin' cigarettes, ain't nothing else to do I guess. Dusty roads ain't made for walking, spinnin' tires ain't made for stoppin'. I'm givin' up on love, cuz love's given up on me."

"She wants to be a cowgirl," Adam explained. "She watched some movie about a dude ranch when she was two and became obsessed with horses and country music and learning how to line dance. I'm pretty sure it was a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie."

"_How the West Was Fun_," Lindsay said with a nod. "My niece loves that movie."

"Girls are so weird."

She smiled and rolled the window down a little as Hannah continued to sing from the back seat. It wasn't long until all three of them were singing along, Lindsay and Adam exchanging amused looks when Hannah mumbled in places where she didn't know the words.

"Brudder, can we go to the park? Mommy said New York has lots of parks. So we can go to one, right?"

"Yeah, we can go."

"Okay, right now?"

"Right this very second?"

"No," she answered, rolling her eyes. "After we go to your house and put away my junk. Then we can go to the park. And have pizza for dinner."

"Oh really?"

"I've been planning it for forever!"

"Forever, huh?"

"Yeah! Since practically yesterday morning."

Lindsay snickered and covered her mouth, not wanting Hannah to think she was laughing at her.

"Also, can we ride the Busway?"

"You mean the Subway?"

"I thought Subway was a sandwich. I am so confused."

"Subway is both."

"But daddy said it's like a bus except underground. And it's fast. So that's why I thought it was Busway."

"It's more like a train."

"Why are there so many things?" she asked, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Because New York is a world all its own," Adam explained. "Us outsiders don't understand it."

"Amen," Lindsay agreed, shaking her head. She loved New York dearly, but felt that life became way more complicated than it had to be in the city.

"Is that why mommy says you're nutso for living here?"

"That and she didn't want me to leave Arizona."

"Well, I didn't either but I don't think you're nutso."

"Thanks, squirt."

* * *

"And you know what else? Me and daddy painted my room purple! It looks so cool!" Hannah exclaimed, skipping down the path in the park. "I really wanted it to be bright purple but mommy said no, so I had to pick light purple, but I think it's better. And Daddy said that I am too big for my bed and I am gonna get a big girl bed soon. He said I could have bunk beds! And you know what? That means that when you come and visit, you could sleep in my room instead of the guest room! What do you think about that plan, Brudder?"

"I think we'll have to wait and see if your chatter is going to keep me up at night."

"You always say I talk too much," she muttered, shaking her head. "Do you think I talk too much, Lindsay?"

"Nope," she answered, shooting a grin at Adam.

"See? I don't talk too much. Hey, can we go swimming or something? It's hot here."

"It's hot in Arizona too."

"I didn't say it wasn't. Hey look, a squirrel!"

She scampered off to chase the squirrel, coming nowhere near it before it darted up a tree. She made a face and put her hands on her hips, shaking her head.

"Scaredy cat squirrel. Can we go get pizza now?"

"You're already hungry?" Lindsay asked, raising an eyebrow. "We just ate two hours ago."

"I'm not hungry really. You don't have to be hungry to eat pizza."

"She makes a good point," Adam said. Hannah giggled and tugged on his free hand.

"Carry me please?"

He lifted her up easily and she rested her head on his shoulder, letting out a short yawn.

"I think someone is tired."

"Who?"

"You, silly."

"I'm not tired. Just a little sleepy."

"Should we go home and let you take a nap?"

"Maybe just a little one."

By the time they made it back to Adam's apartment Hannah was in a deep sleep, snoring softly and showing no signs of waking anytime soon. Adam settled her in the bed and Lindsay slid her shoes off, both of them moving slowly and quietly so they wouldn't disturb her. They closed the door behind them and moved into the other room where Adam turned the air conditioner up and joined Lindsay on the couch. She was smiling up at him, a look in her eyes that he hadn't seen before.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"No really. What?"

She shrugged and played with the clasp of his watch.

"I just like you, that's all."

"You flirting with me?"

"There's no one else here."

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her, still in almost disbelief that he was even allowed to. He'd admired her from afar for months, growing in the contentment of just being her good friend, her buddy. He'd wanted to be more, but never thought she would ever pick him. Not in a million years. Then one night she's smiled at him in a new way, and he knew. Sure, there had been thoughts of "what if this doesn't work" and every once in a while he worried that she would come to her senses and break it off. But they had decided to take it slow, test the waters and be cautious. Every day his security in the relationship grew and he came closer to accepting the fact that he was deliriously in love with her.

She broke the kiss after a while, her eyes shining.

"I think _Tommy Boy_ is on," he commented. She burst into giggles and hugged him, shaking her head.

"Oh man Adam. I love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled and they stretched out on the couch, her head resting just below his chin. She grabbed the remote off the table and handed it to him, content to watch whatever he picked, simply because he'd picked it. He flipped through the channels for a while, forgoing _Tommy Boy_ for some re-runs of Animaniacs.

"We're children," she said with a giggle.

"Magellan said "what" and got hit by a spear."

"This show was so underappreciated in its time."

He nodded in agreement as their brains simultaneously shut off. His right hand tangled in her hair while his left hand rested against the small of her back. She sighed softly, feeling the busyness and heat of the day start to take her to a state of sleep.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let me stay too long okay? I have to work early."

"Is that a line?"

"No, I really have to work early. I wish I didn't. What I wouldn't give for another day off."

"You've got another coming up, right?"

"Not for a while. I have a bunch of early shifts for the next week."

"Unlucky skunk."

"Pretty much. Make sure I leave here by eight, okay?"

"What if I want you to just stay all night?"

"Then I am gonna be very grumpy in the morning."

"Alright, alright. I'll make you leave after dinner."

"Deal."

She smiled as his hand ran up and down her back, and her eyes began to close. Her last thought was that she had never felt quite so safe before.


	4. Chapter 4

"You sure you're not too tired?"

"Too tired to sit by the pool for a couple hours? Never."

Adam chuckled on the other end of the line, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder while trying to put Hannah's goggles on her.

"We'll pick you up in a little while then. Bring sunscreen."

She chuckled and hung up the phone, pulling a pair of shorts on over her bathing suit. She didn't think there were many outdoor pools in the city, but Adam had managed to find one that was clean and cheap and wasn't that far of a drive if they took the right route.

Hannah had been staying with Adam for four days and had yet to lose any energy. She was constantly moving, chattering, exploring, asking questions. She was her brother, through and through.

Lindsay sighed and looked under the couch for her flip-flops. She could never find them, especially not together. She never lost anything else but these stupid shoes. It was enough to make her want to brave a store, just to get some new ones. She fought her hair into a ponytail and looked under the coffee table with no luck. She stood with her hands on her hips, surveying the room and trying to remember the last time she had worn them.

She wandered around, looking under furniture and cursing herself for having six pairs of boots, four pairs of dress shoes, two pairs of plain flats, and only one pair of sandals. It really was ridiculous as the latter two were definitely what she wore more often.

She finally found the sandals under her bed and pulled them on, then went back out to the kitchen, grabbing three bottles of water out of the fridge. She was almost certain Adam would forget to bring any. As she closed the fridge, something caught her eye. It was a post-it note stuck to the door and she grinned as she recognized Adam's handwriting.

_I love you, beautiful!_

Seeing those words was almost as good as hearing them, and she swiped at a tear that had started to dribble down her cheek before moving the post-it to where she would see it more often.

The buzzer rang and she went to it, still with a smile on her face.

"Yeah?"

"It's me."

"You never use the buzzer."

"I'm too lazy to go all the way upstairs."

"You made good time."

"We got off the phone half an hour ago."

"I've been looking for my shoes for half an hour?"

"Apparently. You coming down? This child is getting antsy."

"Be right there."

She grabbed the water and the bag with a towel, a change of clothes and sunscreen in it. She took the stairs quickly and came out the door to find Adam double parked in the street.

"Traffic misdemeanor," she said, sliding into the seat. "You're so bad."

"You like it?"

She just smiled and buckled her seatbelt.

"Hi Hannah," she said, looking in the back seat.

"Hi Lindsay. Guess what?"

"What?"

"I ate seven ice-pops today."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Brudder ate way more than that. Probably like 20."

"Is this true Adam?"

"Kind of."

"Hannah, did your brother feed you anything healthy today?"

"He made me eat green beans at lunch time," she answered, crinkling her nose. "I hate green beans. Plus they were cold."

"Adam, did you make her eat green beans straight from the can?"

"Well I didn't know how to heat them up!"

"A pot on the stove?"

"Didn't seem right."

She just chuckled.

"And you know what else, Lindsay?"

"What else?"

"We went to the park again, 'cept it was a different park this time. And brudder taught me how to do the monkey bars. And I did really good. I only fell like three times."

"That is pretty good. But don't your arms hurt now?"

"Oh yeah. But it's the kind of hurt you get when you worked hard, so it's a good kind of hurt. That's what daddy calls it."

"Well you're quite the little optimist, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I guess," she answered, playing with her diving sticks. "But only if that's a good thing!"

* * *

An hour later, Lindsay was settled in a deck chair next to the almost deserted pool, watching Adam and Hannah play some game involving chasing, giggling, and lots of roaring. At one point she had thought they were supposed to be water dinosaurs, but now she wasn't sure.

Adam scooped Hannah out of the water and she giggled, kicking her legs to splash in his face.

"Hey, ragamuffin!"

She squealed as he dropped her into the water and for a split second, Lindsay thought they were playing a little too rough. But Hannah came out of the water sputtering, with a smile on her face.

"I am gonna get you back for that."

"Oh really?"

"I'm gonna splash you when you don't think I will."

"What if I always think you will?"

"Then that could be a problem."

He chuckled and she grabbed onto his shoulders as he swam over to the side.

"Linds, are you going to join us?"

"No way."

"Why not? Are you being a party pooper?"

"No, I'm just tired."

"Aw, come on."

"Yeah, come on Lindsay!"

"No way."

"Think we should splash her, squirt?"

Hannah nodded, her eyes large behind her lime green goggles.

"Don't you dare, Adam Ryan Ross."

"I'll just make Hannah do it. You won't get mad at her, will you?"

"Nah, I'll still be mad at you."

Adam and Hannah looked at each other with a grin.

"Guys…"

Her warning came too late and they splashed her for all they were worth, soaking her from the waist down.

"Well you're wet now, gotta get in."

"I reject your logic."

"Again I say, party pooper."

He made a face and turned away, swimming to the other side of the pool. Lindsay chuckled and stood from her chair, shimmying out of her shorts and t-shirt. She stood there in just her bikini, modest enough for a family pool, but still revealing enough to make him look twice. Quietly, she slid into the water and made her way over to him, waiting for just the right moment. It came a lot faster than she thought it would, and with the quickness of a ninja she reached up and dunked him. He flailed under the water for a moment, then reached up and grabbed her wrists before she let him surface. He turned around and glared at her and she knew what was coming, but didn't have time to deflect it.

He dunked her quickly and then let her up, sticking his hand out for her to shake.

"Even?"

"Even. And now I am getting out of here."

"Aw come on."

"Chlorine gives me a headache. Would you rather have me cranky or tan?"

"Okay, get out."

She smiled and swam over to the ladder, climbing out and grabbing a towel. The chlorine made her skin itch, and she preferred a river or a lake any day of the week, even if it did have snakes and bugs and other unknowns swimming in it.

"Hey, did you ever finish blowing up that beach ball?"

"Yep," she answered, tossing the ball over to him. "There's all my hot air."

"Certainly not all of it."

"You're so amusing."

He chuckled and she didn't miss his glance as he looked her up and down. She smiled a little and sat down, stretching out in the chair, letting the sun warm her back up.

* * *

"Hannah, what do you think about grilled cheese for dinner?"

"I think it goes best with tomato soup!" she shouted from the bathroom. She'd wanted to keep swimming even after it got too dark, so Adam said she could leave her bathing suit on and go swimming in the tub. She'd agreed, much to Lindsay's amusement.

"Do you need one of us to come in there and wash your hair?"

"Could Lindsay do it? You get soap in my eyes."

"You've been requested," Adam remarked with a grin. Lindsay jumped down from the counter where she had been sitting eating strawberries, and headed towards the bathroom. He grabbed her wrist partway there and pulled her back into his arms.

"Hello."

He smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips.

"You're lucky that was a family pool," he said, his thumbs running up and down her side.

"Says the man who is still shirtless," she replied, tracing a small circle on his shoulder.

"You'd better get in the other room before I kiss you breathless."

"Thanks for the warning," she retorted, peeling herself away from him, albeit reluctantly. She pushed the bathroom door open and found Hannah in the tub, surrounded by bubbles.

"Uh, Hannah?"

"Yeah?"

"Where did all these bubbles come from?"

"From the jar, silly."

"How much did you pour in?"

"Not much."

"Adam, you should come and look at this."

He poked his head in the door and laughed.

"Well, that was a good idea."

Lindsay shook her head and leaned over to drain the tub so she could add fresh, non bubbly water.

"You have fun with this," Adam said before leaving the room again.

"Hey Lindsay?" Hannah asked, pouring a cup of water over some of the bubbles.

"Yeah?"

"Are you and brudder boyfriend girlfriend?"

Lindsay smiled and plugged the tub before running new water.

"Yeah, we are."

"Does that mean you're getting married?"

"Not necessarily."

"But why not? Don't you love each other?"

"Yeah we do. But getting married isn't just about love sometimes. You can love someone and want to marry them even if they're the wrong person for you. That's why we have boyfriends and girlfriends, to see if we should get married or not."

"Oh. Well do you want to marry him?"

"Just between you and me? Someday, I really, really hope so."

* * *

"Linds, can I confess something to you?" Adam asked as she ran her fingers through his hair. She tipped her head to the side and looked down at him laying with his head in her lap.

"Of course."

"I um… I have this problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"I'm an unabashed eavesdropper."

She chuckled.

"And here I thought it was going to be something juicy."

"I wasn't done."

"Okay."

"I heard what you said to Hannah earlier."

"When…? Oh."

"So, does that mean I'm doing a good job?"

She smiled and let her fingers run over his chest.

"Yeah," was all she could think to say.

"You know, we haven't really talked about…"

"No, we haven't."

He sat up to face her, using his arm to prop himself up.

"Did you really mean what you said?"

"I don't lie to children Adam."

"I figured as much."

"You're not thinking the same thing?"

"No, I am. I just… Linds, you're amazing. You're beautiful and perfect and smart and you make me laugh like I've never laughed before. You're everything I ever wanted and more that I didn't even know could exist in one person. I want you to be as happy as I am. And I just worry that I can't do that for you."

"Adam," she started, her eyes boring into his. "I love you. And I know how much you love me. That's all I need."

"You're easy to please."

"No Adam, I'm really not. You just so happen to be the one I want."

"I love happenstance."

"I do too."

He smiled and leaned in to kiss her, but his current position made that kind of hard, and they ended up tumbling against couch, their legs in a tangled heap. She giggled against his mouth and he pulled away.

"What?"

"I hit my head," she said, reaching up to rub the spot. "Ouch."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. No real harm done. As you were."

He smiled and kissed her again, gentler this time, but still desperately trying to put into action the feelings he had revealed just a moment ago. His hand ran up and down her side then pulled her closer wanting to shut out the rest of the world and just exist with her alone.

"I love you," she breathed, breaking the kiss. "And I really don't want to have to say this, but I gotta go."

"That late already?"

"Yeah."

"You called a cab already?"

"When you went to check on Hannah. It should be here any minute."

"I wish you didn't have to go."

"Believe me, there is nothing I would like more than stay here and make out with you all night long-"

"You're so candid."

"-but I have to work."

"I'll try and become independently wealthy so we never run into this problem again," he said as she extracted herself from the couch.

"Excellent. Night Adam."

"Night Linds."


	5. Chapter 5

The air in the lab was sticky and hot and felt as if it was clinging to every surface. The air conditioning had gone out earlier in the day and it had just turned back on, but it was still hotter inside than it was outside. Lindsay sighed and squirmed in her chair, taking another swig of the ice water she had been nursing for the last fifteen minutes. The condensation was so thick on the glass that it almost slid through her fingers.

Danny walked through the office door, pulling his shirt repeatedly away from his skin in an attempt to create a personal cooling system. It wasn't working any better than inhaling sharply when food was too hot.

"So I'm thinking we all go stick our heads in the morgue freezers," he commented, flopping down in the chair across from her.

"I'm too hot to think of a response except okay."

"Well as long as we're in full agreement."

They sat there for a while, spinning slowly in their chairs, both sapped of any energy required to do much of anything else.

"Hey Montana?"

She glanced up at her rarely used nickname. She had been annoyed by it at first, then amused, and now it was just a part of being friends with Danny.

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you for some advice?"

"On what?"

"Dating."

"You want dating advice from me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Cuz."

"Oh well, with an argument like that."

"I won't bug ya after today, I promise."

"Okay, shoot."

He leaned back in his chair and rolled a pencil through his fingers a few times before speaking.

"I've been dating this woman for a little while now. We've known each other our whole lives practically. We were best friends growing up. We have this kind of codependent… nah, she'd smack me for callin' it that. We just have a weird relationship."

"Okay. What kind of advice do you need?"

"See, she's seen me date a lot of other women. Not that I'm a player or anything."

"Of course not."

"But I've dated a lot and she knows it. And I just wanna do something for her that lets her know that she's more important to me than all the others. More special."

"And you can't just tell her that?"

"She's not the greatest at the listening thing."

Lindsay chuckled, liking this woman already. Anyone who could settle Danny Messer without changing him was revered in her eyes.

"You grew up together?"

"Yeah."

"So you probably have a lot of "remember that time when" stories, right?"

"Yeah."

"And you probably did a lot of stuff with her that you never did with anyone else."

"Oh yeah. Though a lot of it was illegal."

"Well not counting the illegal stuff is there anything that you did that you could do again that would mean a lot to her?"

He thought for a while, a smile cracking across his face.

"There was this one night in a tree house-"

"Stop right there, I don't wanna know."

"We were in elementary school, Montana."

"Go ahead."

"I asked her to marry me."

"So you really have always been this way."

"She smacked me with a pillow, said "in your dreams," and dropped an ice-cube down my shirt."

Lindsay chuckled.

"This woman is awesome. Hold on to her."

"I plan on it. Thanks, Lindsay."

"You're welcome."

He stood up from his chair and dug in his pocket for a moment, then produced a nickel.

"Here."

"What is this for?"

"I'm Charlie Brown and this is payment for your psychiatric help."

"Anytime."

He left the room and she shook her head, chuckling to herself. Six months ago she would have put big money on the two of them getting together. As well as they got along, and as much initial attraction as there had been, she wouldn't change the way things were now.

The elevator dinged down the hallway and she looked up just in time to see Hannah and Adam walk off of it.

"Hi Lindsay!" Hannah shouted, letting go of Adam's hand and sprinting into the office.

"Hey, Hannie."

"What'cha doin'?"

"Just some paperwork. What are you guys doing here?"

"I had to talk to Mac and sign off on some reports," Adam answered.

"And after this we're going to the museum!" Hannah whooped.

"Inside voice, squirt. Can she hang out in here with you for a minute Linds?"

"Sure."

"You got games on this computer?" Hannah asked.

"A few," Lindsay said, pulling Hannah up onto her lap. "Want to play Pinball?"

"Yeah!"

Adam smiled and went in search of Mac while Lindsay told Hannah which buttons to use for the game.

"Brudder doesn't have this game on his computer. Plus he doesn't let me play that thing."

"He's kind of protective of his stuff sometimes."

"Yeah and plus I get in trouble if I leave his video games out."

"That is a crime in some parts of the world."

"Are you joking, Lindsay?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Good one."

Lindsay chuckled as Stella came into the room.

"Did you get Sid's report on the autopsy yet?" she asked.

"No. I called down there a few minutes ago and he said something that I think was supposed to be "hold your horses" but I have never heard it so colorfully before."

"He must be busy today. I think I am just going to wait right here for the fax. You were smart and closed the blinds. It's a lot cooler in here than the rest of the building."

"Really? I am not leaving this room."

"So who's this?"

"I'm Hannah," Hannah said, not looking up from the screen.

"Adam's sister," Lindsay explained. "He had to stop by for a few minutes."

"Is that why he took vacation time?"

"Yep."

"Lindsay, the ball is stuck."

"Hit the up arrow key and it will get it out."

"Oh wow, the whole screen moved! Can I do it again?"

"Yeah, but pay attention because you're about to lose your ball."

"Whoopsie."

"That's okay, just launch it again."

Hannah did as she was told, her tongue sticking out the side of her mouth as she concentrated on the screen.

The fax machine beeped and Stella walked over to it, reading the page as it was fed through.

"Is that the autopsy report?"

"Yeah."

Stella brought it over to the desk and they started to read through it together as Adam walked in the door.

"Alright squirt, lets go."

"But I wanna stay here with Lindsay!"

"She's got work to do. We'll see her later."

"But-"

"Hannah."

"Okay brudder. Bye Lindsay," she said, sliding down from her lap.

"Bye Hannie. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Alright."

The two of them left the room and Stella chuckled.

"Weird to see Adam in the role of parent rather than child."

Lindsay nodded.

"He's actually kind of good at it."

They both signed off on the report and Lindsay slipped it into the file while Stella stretched.

"I'm going to go get some coffee, want to come?"

"If we can get it iced, absolutely."

They made their way downstairs and out of the building where at least there was a breeze.

"So you actually are dating Adam, aren't you?" Stella asked, a mere 10 feet from the building. Lindsay stopped in her tracks and stared at her friend for a minute.

"I thought we talked about this a long time ago."

"Yeah, we did. But you never answered me really."

"I know."

"Is my radar just off and you guys are great friends?"

"No, your radar is working fine."

"It is?"

"Yes. We're dating and we have been since before you asked me that question the first time."

"I should have bet on this with someone."

"Don't say anything okay? We're not hiding anything, we just don't want everyone in our business."

"I won't say anything, I promise. You know, I always thought it would be you and Danny."

"Yeah, for a while there I did too. But I'm really glad it turned out this way instead."

"Look at you blushing and smiling. You're really happy, huh?"

"Yeah, I am. It's kind of ridiculously, Camelot perfect."

"When did this happen? And how? And please excuse my sudden desire for girl talk."

Lindsay smiled as they slowed their pace to a stroll.

"About two months ago. We were um… it's actually kind of silly. We were watching TV and one of the characters was talking about how some relationships start with friendship and how one day you look at the person and all of the sudden you see something more. And right at that moment we looked at each other and… we just knew."

"That simple?"

"Pretty much. I mean, we did talk about a lot of stuff later, and agreed to take it almost iceberg slow, but for the most part it just happened that fast."

Stella grinned.

"No one knows this about me, but I really love love stories."

"Well I'm glad I could feed your addiction."

"So am I. Can I ask you one more question?"

"Sure."

"Do you love him?"

"Yep."

"So this is a really real thing."

"It really is," Lindsay said with a nod. Life had thrown her a few curveballs, but this one stood above the rest. She would spend the rest of her life thankful that she had caught it.


	6. Chapter 6

"You home?"

Lindsay turned around at the voice, smiling as Adam walked in the door. He had his hands behind his back and a grin on his face.

"Yes I'm home. Where else would I be?"

"Out on the town, boot scootin' boogie, whatever."

She smiled as he walked towards her, rinsing the cookie dough off of her hands.

"Whatcha got there?" she asked peeking around him.

"Oh not much. Just some flowers."

He pulled a colorful bouquet from behind his back, full of sunflowers, bluebells, bitterroot, violets and evening stars. He really had been listening when she told him about the flowers that grew wild around her parents house. She inhaled the perfume of the flowers, closing her eyes and transporting herself immediately back to a warm summer night, sitting on the porch, wishing on stars.

"You're nice," she said with a smile.

"Yeah, well I kind of like you a little bit."

She turned and grabbed an old Mason jar out of the cupboard and filled it halfway with water before putting the flowers in.

"They're beautiful, Adam. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

His hands landed on her waist and drew her to him, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. She slid her arms up and wrapped them around his neck as his thumbs caressed circles on her stomach. She was the one who deepened the kiss, backing them up against the counter and rising up on her toes to give him better access.

He broke the kiss reluctantly after a few minutes, sighing and touching his forehead to hers.

"We gotta slow down," he said, removing his hands from her bare skin and tangling them in her hair instead.

"I know," she agreed. "But you don't make it easy."

"Neither do you, Frenchie."

She blushed and giggled and he pulled her into a hug. It was the first time they had been really alone together in two weeks and it took him until this moment to realize how much he had missed her.

"I need to talk to you," he said finally, causing her head to tip to the side and a slightly worried look to come into her eyes.

"Adam…"

"It's not bad, I promise. Couch?"

"Let me put this cookie dough in the fridge."

He nodded and she moved to put the mixing bowl in the fridge before following him out to the couch. They settled in and she pulled her legs up underneath her, searching his face for what he was about to say.

"So, my mom talked to me when I took Hannah to the airport."

"Yeah?"

"She likes you."

"She does?"

"Yeah. I mean, my mom has always tolerated my girlfriends, not that there's been many. But not like I'm a monk either. I don't want you to think that I-"

"Adam."

"Sorry. Anyway, she's tolerated them and even liked some of them, but she always said I could do better. She didn't say that this time. She really likes you Linds. And so does Hannah for that matter. She whined all the way to the airport that she didn't get to see you again."

"I wish I could have gone."

"Thanks for winning them over."

She smiled.

"Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"No," he said with a sigh, his eyes falling to focus on the couch cushions between them. "Linds, there's some things I haven't really told you."

"About what?" she asked softly, her fingers running up and down his arm.

"My father."

She laced her fingers in his and squeezed his hand.

"He used to beat me. I know I told you that, but I kind of glossed over it a bit. He did beat me, badly and a lot, but those scars faded. What hurt worse and what still hurts now is the things he would say. He told me that I was worthless, that he wished I'd never been born, that I would never amount to anything and I could never make him proud. Those things he said, they ring in my ears every day. He used to say that he didn't love me, that no one ever would. And as much as I know in my head that the things he said weren't true, they're still right there. Every time you tell me you love me, I hear him again, telling me it's not true. And I don't want to hear it, Linds. Cuz I know that you do love me, but sometimes I just don't know why. And that's not what I'm getting at here. I just need you to know."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. It's in the past, but it's still a part of me, and I don't want to keep that from you."

She nodded and gave him a half smile while he twisted a lock of her hair around his finger.

"So, wanna play Mario Kart?"

"Of course. You get it out and I'm going to go throw those cookies in the oven."

"I'm gonna be first player," he said as she stood up from the couch.

"You can be first player, but I got dibs on D.K."

"I hate when you call dibs."

"That's why I do it!" she tossed over her shoulder.

She got the first batch of cookies into the oven and a few minutes later they were situated on the floor, both gripping controllers and watching the screen intently.

"Holy bananas!" Lindsay shouted, dodging three or four of the yellow triangley blobs on the screen. "Did you do that?"

"I only dropped one so far, I swear."

"Well whoever did it, very strategic. But not strategic enough bucko!"

"You are a bad winner."

"And you're a sore second placer."

"You just wait Lindsay. You just wait."

She grinned as the next race started. They hadn't hunkered down with video games in a while. It was funny how competitive they were over a stupid game, but she loved how they could tease each other mercilessly and still kiss goodnight.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" she said as the screen flashed with a cartoon lightning strike.

"Sure, what?"

"Does my dust taste good?"

She sped her character past the mini-version of his, and he elbowed her.

"Your dust tastes like exhaust fumes, haughtiness and bad sportsmanship, with a pinch of self promotion."

"So tasty is what you're saying."

He chuckled as the race ended and the cookie timer went off.

"Be right back," she said, hopping up from the floor and heading into the kitchen.

"Going to bring me some milk and cookies?"

"You have to earn it first, and so far you ain't done nothin' deservin' of a cookie."

"Geez, you drive a hard bargain. What do you want me to do, take out the trash?"

"Actually, if you don't mind…"

"Lady, you're asking for trouble."

"What are you gonna do there, Wyatt Earp?"

"Probably nothing," he said, tying off the garbage bag. "But then again, maybe luring you into a false sense of security is all a part of my evil plan. Either way, you can't wait to find out."

Her giggle followed him out the door, and by the time he came back she had three cookies on a plate and a glass of milk for each of them. He sat down at the table and pulled her into his lap, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for telling me all that before. It means a lot to me that you can."

He just nodded.

"I've never told anyone else before."

She sighed, her mind full of things she needed to tell him, things that she held so close to her heart, to say them could backfire in the worst possible way. Maybe someday. But not tonight. Tonight, it was too heavy.

"I hope you never have to tell anyone else," she said finally, a whisper grazing his skin. He understood her meaning and smiled, tightening his grip on her.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Guest starring… Piper Maru Duchovny's OC Austin Hawthorne! Yes, yes we do cackle evilly and write parallel stories. What?

* * *

"You really gonna wear your boots to a crime scene?" Danny asked, raising his eyebrow as he watched Lindsay change her shoes.

"Not just any crime scene, Danny. Rodeo. That means animals. And you know what animals mean."

"I can step around stuff."

"Yeah, we'll see."

"I didn't even know New York had a rodeo."

"I'm sure the rodeo didn't know about New York, so I think we're all even here."

"You love this, don't you?"

"Maybe a little."

Adam entered the room, took one look at her boots and shook his head.

"Not gonna comment. You guys ready?"

"Mac wants all three of us?"

"We've got a lot of ground to cover it seems. He wasn't specific."

They nodded and grabbing their kits, the three of them headed out. They played Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who would get to drive and control the radio, and possibly because of her exuberance, Lindsay was declared the winner with a stealthy scissors to Danny's paper. She was a little too happy about going to a crime scene, and Adam and Danny had a small argument about who was going to have to sit in the front with her. Finally Adam just jumped in the back, rather looking forward to watching Danny squirm through the country music.

"We'd better use the GPS because as long as much of the city as I know, I have no clue where this place is," Danny said, rolling his window down.

"I'll use it, but is there anyway we can change her voice? That "turn right at next light" makes me want to chuck her out the window."

Adam chuckled from the back seat.

"What, you want Sean Connery directing your driving?"

"It would make it more enjoyable."

"Sean Connery? He's two hundred years old."

"He's like cheese," she responded, pulling the car out into traffic.

"What?"

"Gets better with age," Adam answered for her. She nodded and Danny rolled his eyes. This was going to be a very long day.

* * *

"Calvin Whitlock. Gate opened over there, dude fell off right there, was gored right there, ended up here."

"Nice, Hawthorne."

"What Messer, can't handle it?"

"You're such a lady."

"The decedent was attached to the raging bull and was thrown in such a manner that the animals horn pierced-"

"Okay, I get it."

Lindsay didn't miss the look that passed between Danny and Detective Austin Hawthorne and she had to hold back the smirk. She'd bet her best Stetson on this being the woman he'd talked to her about before.

"We're still trying to sort out witness accounts and as you can imagine there's a lot of trauma to the body, but the gunshot wound gives us a pretty good place to start. Geez, Messer, you couldn't dodge it, could ya?"

"These were new!" he exclaimed, looking down at his dirty shoes.

"That'll teach ya to make fun of my boots," Lindsay said, crouching down to look at the mangled hand of the unfortunate bull rider. "He's married?"

"Yeah. Flack is talking to the wife right now."

Lindsay nodded and stood up.

"Which stall was he in? I want to start there."

"Over there," Austin said, gesturing to the other side of the arena. "He wasn't supposed to be riding yet. Came out between two other guys. I'm thinking there was a lot he wasn't planning on today."

Lindsay walked carefully to the stall giving it a good look around before pulling out the camera and starting to document every shoe print and partial hoof print. Most of it was indistinguishable from everything else, but she did find one smaller boot print near the back of the stall.

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to head into the back. You got an extra flashlight?"

"Didn't stock your kit?"

"Batteries are getting low. Someday I am going to figure out how to fuel these things with slush hydrogen."

"Right, because that is fiscally conservative."

"No one said it had to be."

"Adam, I don't know what to do with you," she muttered, handing him her flashlight.

"Gossip with me. What kind of vibes are you reading about that over there?"

He gestured over to Danny and Austin who were crouched over the body, discussing the various injuries.

"I don't read vibes, Adam."

"Come on."

"Okay, first impression? They know each other really well. They drive each other nuts. He's in love with her. You go."

"Ditto."

She grinned and rolled her eyes before returning back to her work, focusing on gathering prints from the back end of the stall. Something felt weird here. It was almost as if the sound had dulled and she was stuck inside her head, transported back to a world that she desperately wanted to forget, and desperately wanted to get back to.

"Hey," Adam said softly, touching her arm. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just makes me a little homesick is all."

"The smell of manure makes you homesick. It's hard, but I still love you."

"I like the smell of skunk too. Stick that in your juice box and suck it."

"I just got that vomit taste in my mouth."

"My work here is done."

"Evil woman."

* * *

Lindsay sipped the hot coffee thoughtfully as she looked over the crime scene photos. It had been such a mess there, a chaos of trace evidence and dirt, and none of them really knew where to begin. Her eyes were tired from processing little bits of evidence, her throat was sore from talking to suspects and her head hurt from all the thinking.

"How's it going?" Adam asked from the doorway.

"I hate when I know what I'm doing but I don't know what I'm doing."

"I know what you mean. Do you know what time it is?"

"I'm guessing late?"

"Everyone else went home."

"Are you suggesting I follow their lead?"

"I'm just thinking you've been up for a long time," he answered, coming to stand behind her. "It might be advantageous for you to catch a few winks."

His hands rested on her shoulders and rubbed gently, and she could feel the exhaustion catching up with her.

"Go home," he whispered. "You need rest."

"I can't. Something about this case just isn't sitting right with me."

"Tell me about it."

"Calvin Whitlock is in the pen, waiting for his chance to ride. Those pens are small, Adam. No one else can really get in there. Plus there's a bull in there and it's big and it's mad. No one could get out of there without injury. And even if they could, why would one of his competitors take the time to climb into the pen and kill him? Why not later in a more deserted place? This wasn't a crime of revenge or opportunity. Someone was trying to say something here."

"Who?"

"I have no idea. And we never found the shell casing. That's really bugging me."

"Linds."

"I know. I'll know when I've slept, my work is going to get sloppy if I don't rest. I've heard it all before."

"Maybe it's true then."

She sighed for what felt like the thousandth time as his hands gently kneaded at her neck and shoulders.

"Come on, I'll take you home."

"It's out of your way."

"Not that far. Let's go."

She nodded and secured the file then followed him to the elevator. Once inside he drew her into his arms letting her rest against him as the elevator slowly descended. She was quiet but he could still hear the wheels turning in her head.

"Turn it off," he said, tapping her forehead. She grinned against his chest.

"I'm commencing shut down mode now, but I have to wait for background programs to close and Windows has 7 updates to install."

He snickered as the elevator stopped and he had to release her.

"You've been hanging around me too much, geek."

"I hope I don't get beat up on the playground."

"Nah, you're too pretty."

She smiled as they walked out to his car, closing her eyes as soon as she buckled her seat belt.

"You were right," she muttered, cracking her eye open to look at him. "You win."

"Winner, winner winner, oh the chicken dinner," he sang in a helium voice. She smirked and closed her eyes again, amused that the man who sang to her in such a voice was also the man that she trusted enough to keep her safe while he drove. She could never sleep in a car. Even when her dad was the one driving, she'd lay with her eyes closed, but still be awake. With Adam it was comfortable and natural. It was right.

She stirred when the car stopped, opening her eyes to find him grinning at her. He tucked her hair behind her ear and stroked her cheek with his thumb.

"Want me to come up and check for boogey men in the closet?"

"Sure."

They got out of the car and walked slowly up the stairs, the silence comfortable between them. He held her hand gently as they walked, not too tight to control her movements, but not too loose as if he didn't care. She yawned as they reached her door, fumbling in her pocket for the keys.

"Man, your motor skills tonight leave something to be desired," he commented. She chuckled as he reached into her coat pocket to grab the keys.

"Hey there mister, don't get handsy."

"You need sleep so bad."

"I don't think I can make it," she said as the door swung open.

"Well alright," he said, swinging her up into his arms. She grinned as he shut the door behind them and carried her into her bedroom. He gently settled her on the bed and took her shoes off before pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Night, hon. Sleep good."

He kissed her softly before pulling the quilt up around her shoulders.

"I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

"It was the wife," Lindsay said as she walked into Mac's office the next morning. Everyone looked up at her as she dropped the file onto the desk and crossed her arms over her chest.

"I like that you cut to the chase Lindsay, but I'm going to need more here," Mac said with a lifted eyebrow.

"Now I know that this wasn't even the professional circuit, but to Calvin Whitlock, that didn't matter. All he wanted was to be successful in the rodeo. Everyone we talked to said the same thing. It was what he loved. Except he had a wife. And while she loved and supported her husband, at the end of the day, she was a rodeo widow."

"That like a golf widow?" Danny asked.

"Yeah, except rodeo widows have to worry about their husbands getting maimed while golf widows only have to worry about their husbands getting drunk in the country club bar."

"Ouch."

"Cassie was jealous. She probably begged him to stop, spend more time with the family. She wanted him home and she was scared of what he was doing. If Calvin would have won, he would have gone on to the professional circuit. That means less time together. The minute he got into that pen and got onto that bull, he told her what his choice was. As any good rodeo wife does, she climbed on the slats of the pen to give him a good luck kiss. Only she was carrying that gun with her. If he was going to choose the rodeo over her, then he could have it. Look, I'm not saying that I have enough evidence to back this one up, but we have spent a whole day looking at all the guys he was competing against. Maybe we need to try another angle."

"Well I'm convinced," Austin said finally, standing up from her chair. "She's been diagnosed with post traumatic stress, but I am betting the wife is suffering from guilt more than anything. I think I'm going to go hang around the hospital and see how much water this theory holds."

"I suppose that because of her nervous breakdown, we haven't been taking a clear look at Cassie Whitlock," Mac said contemplatively, thumbing through the file. "Lindsay, I need you to go back over the data we got on the bullet trajectory, do a mock up of possible heights and positions of the shooter. Adam, Danny, I want you back at the crime scene. We still haven't found gunshot residue on the clothes of anyone. I want to know where it is."

The team left Mac's office, all heading off to do their assigned tasks.

"You listened to Garth Brooks this morning, Linds?" Adam asked just before she stepped into the lab.

"Maybe I did, maybe I didn't."

"Wait, you broke the case with a country song?" Danny asked, giving her a skeptical look.

"Well, I didn't break the case, I just had an idea."

"You're so modest."

"Don't get her started," Adam said, shaking his head and clapping Danny on the shoulder.

* * *

It was a hospital bed confession full of tears and attempts to convince that the whole thing had just been an accident. Once all the evidence came together, it was pretty clear that the whole thing had gone down just the way that Lindsay said; a woman unable to enjoy the fact that her husband was happy, a woman unable to live even a little bit of her life alone.

Austin came back to the lab with a grimace on her face and a newfound distaste for all people in general. Danny kidded her until she punched him in the shoulder, and Lindsay shook her head.

"You just don't know when to shut up, do you Danny?"

"Not my fault no one ever taught me."

"Keep it up and I think Austin's gonna teach you with her other fist."

Austin chuckled and nodded.

"Monroe speaks the truth… Droopy Drawers."

Danny sliced a glare in her direction and Lindsay giggled.

"I am so glad nobody here knew me when I was a kid. Makes it much easier to mock those plagued with a bad nickname."

"Nicknames aren't all I've got on this one," Austin said, ruffling his hair. He growled and pushed her hand away.

"Careful of what you say, woman. I can still recite word for word the love song you wrote me when you were twelve."

"Shut up, Daniel Demonic."

Lindsay chuckled as she turned back to the file folder in front of her.

"I am pretty sure the two of you are probably going to kill each other one day."

"Yeah, but at least we'll have fun before that."

Lindsay shook her head as she watched them continue to argue back and forth, their verbal insults flying with gentle stings that would have made her squirm had they not been trying so hard not to laugh.

"Raise your hand if you're starving," Adam said as he came into the room.

Three hands went up in response.

"Good. Cuz Stella and Mac are arguing about what to order and I think we need more opinions on this one."

"You know, we should really just start going out places so everyone can get what they want," Lindsay said.

"Yeah, yeah, you're so smart."

* * *

After much hemming and hawing, they all ended up at a rundown honky-tonk, sitting on upturned barrels at an old wooden table. Flack had suggested that in keeping with the theme of the case a honky-tonk was as good a place as any. Of course all eyes turned to Lindsay who held up her hands in innocence.

But that's where they ended up, cracking peanuts open and laughing as they recalled old cases. Flack did impressions of suspects complete with facial expressions and hand gestures, while Danny described in perfect detail the fashion faux pas of some of the more colorful characters.

They sat there for hours, trying Rocky Mountain Oysters, sharing a gigantic plate of nachos and forgetting that they lived lives that forced them to deal with death every day. Lindsay sat back and watched, silent for the most part, enjoying the observation. She couldn't help but thing about all of the what ifs of life, wondering if taking a different path would still have led her to this moment. She watched Danny, playing over in her head how things would have gone had she given in and dated him. It would have been fun for a while of course. She may have even been able to fall in love with him. But Danny Messer didn't come drama free, and she wasn't sure that she was the woman that would be strong enough to hold on when he ran. It could have been something, but it probably would have ended badly. And when it came down to it, she didn't really want to be with him anyway. She grinned as Adam reached under the table and squeezed her hand. That was more like it.


	8. Chapter 8

"I went ahead and ran it through the GCMS," Adam said, scratching at his short beard.

"And?"

"Huh?"

"You ran it through the GCMS and what happened, Adam?"

"Um, it came up as," he trailed off, looking for his notes. "Here. Shampoo, nail polish remover, liquid make-up and several household cleaners, along with the toilet water."

"Why would someone mix all that together?"

Adam shrugged.

"I'm not a girl, I have no idea."

Stella nodded and looked over the test results, while watching Adam out of the corner of her eye. He had been distracted all day, not his usual chattery self. He sat there tapping his pen on the table and she suppressed a grin. Lindsay had gone home early with a terrible cold and Adam was definitely thinking about her.

"Adam?"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Finish up the rest of this and then go home."

"Stell-"

"You haven't got much left to process, your shift ends in an hour and you're totally distracted. Now do what I said."

"I'm not distracted, Stella."

"You're worried about Lindsay."

He just looked at her, surprised that she knew.

"Go check on her, take care of her, whatever you need to do."

"Thanks, Stella."

"But finish up with this trace first. I don't want Mac all upset that something was left unprocessed."

She gave him a smile and then headed to her office while Adam began processing the trace evidence. He did it on auto pilot, the whole time imagining Lindsay huddled up in her bed, coughs ripping through her while her fever went higher and higher. She had been fine the last few days, but this morning when she walked into work, he could tell something wasn't right. She was pale, squinting her eyes at bright lights, running her hand over her forehead. Her skin had been too warm when he had pressed his hands against it, then clammy half an hour later when Mac forced her to leave. He'd never seen her sick before, and the speed with which this had hit her had him worried.

He finished up with the trace, determined it was bee pollen and printed the results for Stella. He delivered it to her and with a knowing grin she told him to get out of there. He didn't waste any time in getting out of the building and heading to Lindsay's. He stopped part way there to pick up some cold medicine and other things to make her feel better, including a few gossip magazines. He made it to her apartment twenty minutes later and let himself in, finding all the blinds drawn and the lights off. He walked quietly across the floor, peeking into her bedroom to find her buried up to her forehead in quilts. He put the grocery bag on the chair by the door and walked over to the bed, brushing her hair back from her face. The mattress sagged a little under his weight and she opened her eyes, trying hard to give him a smile.

"Hey sweetheart. How are you feeling?"

"I hurt," she croaked, her tongue darting out to wet her dry lips. "I'm freezing."

"Want another blanket?"

"I don't have any more."

He laid down next to her and pulled her close, leaving tiny kisses all over her flushed face.

"You're going to get sick," she protested, even while snuggling into him.

"You don't get to worry about me. Have you taken anything?"

"No, I'm all out. I didn't think I was going to get a cold in the middle of the summer."

"Well, you're lucky you have me then. I got some NyQuil and cough drops."

"Thanks."

She sniffled and coughed lightly and he stood up from the bed to get the grocery bag. He brought it over to her and started pulling things out, giving commentary on all of it.

"First I got you some magazines because I know how much you love to hate them. And then I got you some tissues. The mentholated kind and the regular just in case the mentholated kind make your eyes burn. I got some chicken soup, but this is the powdered kind you mix with boiling water. It's easier and it tastes better. Some Vicks to rub under your nose and then wipe off three minutes later because it burns. I got some oranges because they didn't have any orange juice, and I got some orange flavored candy because it looked good."

She smiled.

"You're perfect, do you know that?"

"You keep telling me."

She smiled and reached her hand out for his.

"Come back in here," she said.

He obeyed, tucking her under his chin and holding tightly to her.

"I was worried about you all day."

"I'm fine, Adam."

"I know. Doesn't mean I don't worry some though."

"Thank you."

"Why don't you take some NyQuil and go back to sleep. You're making the headache grimace."

She smiled and took the bottle of cough syrup from him, looking it over to see how much to take.

"I'm going to go and watch your TV and run up your cable bill, so holler if you need anything, okay?"

"I will. Thanks, Adam."

* * *

She came out of the bedroom a few hours later, stumbling across the kitchen as she rubbed her eyes.

"Hey, you should be in bed," Adam said from his spot on the couch.

"Too hot in there," she replied, her voice as scratchy as a Louis Armstrong record. "What are you watching?"

"Just flipping through the channels. Are you feeling any better?"

"My headache is gone, but now my ears hurt. So pretty much the same. Not as tired though."

She sat down next to him, wrapping her arms around herself and sniffling. They sat quietly for a lone time, watching snippets of TV shows and making comments to each other. She giggled a lot, managing to forget the fact that she was sick for a few minutes. She started to get sleepy again and she laid down across the couch with her head in his lap. His fingers ran through her hair, stroking across her ear and making her want to fall asleep.

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Boy Meets World. Who do you identify with?"

She chuckled and rolled over so she was staring straight up at him.

"That is the most difficult and important question anyone has ever asked me," she said seriously. "And I have thought about this before. I think it's Morgan."

"Cory's sister? Interesting."

"What about you?"

"Eric, most definitely."

"Yeah, I can see that. Especially the episode where he sits on the couch eating Cocoa Puffs all day long."

"Hey, I'm not that pathetic."

"No, you just really, really like Cocoa Puffs."

"That is a true statement," he agreed with a nod. "How about Step by Step?"

"I was never a fan of that show. It bored me."

"Really? Lindsay I think we are about to have our first disagreement."

"Uh-oh… you're a Code-Man fan?"

"He was awesome!"

"Maybe, but to watch Step by Step, you have to look at Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Summers. No one in their right mind is going to do that for twenty two minutes. You'll be praying for the commercials."

"You have made me very sad, Lindsay."

"I apologize for my honesty."

"Seriously though. Why didn't you like it?"

"It was too convoluted. I mean who lives in their van in the backyard in the Midwest in the winter? Besides that, how were there so many bedrooms in that house? Too small. And how was that woman still fertile when she was fifty and her kids were in college? And the sexual tension between Dana and J.T. was just… ug."

"But television is supposed to be an escape."

"A believable escape."

"Believable? Lindsay, you like that "not the mama" dinosaur show!"

"Hey, dinosaurs were real!"

"The dad was a contractor! With a trailer on his job site!"

"So they took creative liberties."

"Yeah, but… I mean… they were dinosaurs! And not even good looking ones. They were people in costumes."

"Have a little imagination, Adam."

"If I can imagine enough to enjoy Dinosaurs, you can imagine enough to watch Step by Step."

"I can't believe we just got into an argument about TGIF."

"Ooh. We're pathetic."

"At least we can agree on Full House."

"Amen."

"And Harry Potter."

"Well yeah, because the Harry and Hermione relationship is just screaming to be given credence."

"I love you, Adam."

"I'd kiss ya, but you sound like sand paper."

"You're supposed to love me no matter what I sound like."

"I do."

"So?"

"You're going to be the death of me," he muttered before leaning down to kiss her.

"Don't worry, I've never been fatal before."

He chuckled and ran his hand over her stomach.

"You should go back to bed, get some sleep."

"Yeah, probably. Thanks for taking care of me."

"I didn't really do much."

"That's what I needed."

"Want me to stay for a little while?"

"Meaning you want to stay and finish watching Men in Black."

"Yeah."

"Go ahead. Kiss me goodnight when you leave."

"Yes ma'am."

He held her for a moment then let her go, watching her walk back to her bedroom on shaky legs. Everyday, even though he never thought it possible, he loved her just a little more.


	9. Chapter 9

"Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep, BLEEP!" Lindsay grumbled, kicking the car tire and stopping just short of punching the window.

"Feel better?" Adam asked, a slightly amused look on his face.

"No I don't so you'd better drive."

"Whoa."

She nodded and he unlocked the doors, watching her out of the corner of his eye. It wasn't the worst crime scene either of them had ever been at, but it was definitely on the top ten. That coupled with her already bad day, her arguments with Stella and Danny, and that fact that it was nearing 100 degrees in the shade, and a recipe for a Lindsay explosion was well underway.

He rolled the windows down so they would have some circulation while the air conditioner kicked in, then started the car to go back to the lab. He could watch her stewing on the other side of the car and he wanted to say something to make it better. But he knew her well enough to know that no matter what he said, it would be a platitude, and she did better when working through things alone.

They drove on in silence for a while, the radio soft and nearly static in the background of their unspoken thoughts. He rolled up the windows after a while, shutting them away from the rest of the world. As soon as they had locked into position, words shot out of Lindsay's mouth, running as fast as the frustration in her veins.

"It just makes me so mad that I get second guessed all the time. I'm always the one that screws up, but I never screw up! Ever. And it's like they're all out to see me fail. Like they want to make me earn my place and that's fine, but they don't want me to ever earn it. And the one day Stella decides to be all snippy is the one day I really don't have time for it, and it wasn't even her fault and I don't like arguing with her but there we stood like high school girls in this petty argument and I just had to walk away. And then there's Danny with that stupid cocky walk and calling me Montana like I'm some stupid country bumpkin. What gives him the right to call me that anyway? He only does it to irritate me. I'm just so ticked, I want to throw something to break it or tear something in half or rip someone's face off or just scream until I can't scream anymore. Can I scream? I just want to… ARRRRGGGHHH!"

She glanced over at him, having almost forgotten that he was even in the car. She was about to be embarrassed, but he let out a frustrated shriek of his own. They contemplated each other for a minute, then screamed together until they were almost blue in the face. She flopped back against the seat, sighing and grinning.

"Thank you for knowing exactly what I meant."

"I try, hon," he said, patting her hand.

"Hey, no flirting in front of the evidence."

"You are seven different levels of something else."

"And you love every single one of them."

"Yes, I do."

She laced their fingers together and he could still feel the tension coming off of her, but it wasn't so bad anymore.

"Know what you need?" he asked after a while as they sat at a stop light.

"A milkshake?"

"Well that wasn't what I was going to say, but that too."

"What do you think I need?"

"I think you need a date. A real, get dressed up, go to dinner, go dancing, kiss you goodnight at the door kind of date."

"But whoever will I go with? George Clooney is still in Italy."

"Would you accept a poor sad lab tech in his place?"

"No, but I will accept you."

"Tonight?"

"So prepared! And you didn't even consult the Zagat!"

"I am just that amazing."

"That you are," she said with a smile. "Wow, a real date. I haven't had one of those in… my whole life."

"Oh come on."

"Prom doesn't count. And yes, I've been on dates, but never a dress up date. In Montana, it's like throw on the boots that have the least amount of manure on them."

"That's charming, darling."

"That's life in the boondocks, honey."

* * *

Lindsay slid her feet into a pair of red flats, looking herself up and down in the mirror to make sure the shoes went with her dress. She decided that if she couldn't tell then Adam couldn't tell and it must be okay. She was hoping he hadn't planned anything too fancy, as the only dress she felt comfortable in was this white sundress and she wasn't sure a jean jacket would be allowed in some of the nicer places he might take her.

She'd curled her hair a little more than normal and pulled it back into a silver clasp, letting a few small stands fall to frame her face. Her make-up was a little different, more apparent and less functioning as a cover up for sleep deprivation. She looked happy. It was a nice change from looking like she was simply surviving.

She hit the light in the bathroom and went to the bedroom to grab her purse. He was right, she had needed this. It was so nice to just let go of work and life, even just for a night. She often felt herself letting go with him, but the intentionality of this night was working wonders. Her shoes clacked across the kitchen floor as she turned the lights off except for the one over the sink. She cracked each window a little, letting a gentle breeze in. She craved the winds of home, but she was getting to the point where she loved the smell of the city too. She stopped for a moment to breathe it all in, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"You're on time," she said in greeting. He grinned at her and she didn't miss his head to toe glance.

"Well yeah, but this is a real date, so I figured I'd better tighten things up."

"Speaking of, is that a silk shirt?"

"Yeah. Is it bad?"

"No, you pull it off quite well. And you're not even wearing a t-shirt underneath."

"I have on dark socks too."

"Ooh, fancy pants."

"Thank you."

"I do want my Adam back at the end of the night though, okay? I'm kind of fond of him."

"No problem," he said, helping her slide into her jacket. "You look amazing, by the way."

"Thank you."

She pulled her hair out of her collar and turned to face him. Overtaken by the urge to hug him, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head below his chin. He chuckled a little and held her too, pressing a kiss to her hair. Their breathing fell into twin patterns as they stood there, existing together. It was the most peace either one of them had felt in a long time.

"We'd better get going," he said after a long minute. "Reservations."

"You got reservations that fast?"

"Yeah, but it wasn't that hard."

"Really?"

"It's Tuesday. No one goes out on Tuesday."

"We're special."

"You say that with such pride."

"As well I should, Mr. Ross."

* * *

He had promised dinner and dancing, and that is what she got. It wasn't anything flashy, no famous people dining across the room, no whispered instructions to the waiter, no unidentifiable things on her plate. They ate and laughed and talked about nothing of consequence, leaving work and crime out of the conversation. They both saw each other new again, refreshed and young, happy to just be.

He held her tightly as they moved around the dance floor, fully believing that he had the most beautiful woman there, and fully humbled still that she had chosen him. His lips pressed close to her ear and she giggled as chills ran up and down her spine. He dipped her gently and stifled her laughter with his kiss. They stepped on each other's toes, more out of intoxication brought on by proximity to each other, than the inability to dance. She spun out and he pulled her back, catching her eye as she slammed into him. They chuckled together, amused by their own antics, and by silent communication, agreed it was time to go home.

They made their way slowly to her door, wanting the night to last just a little longer, but knowing that early mornings for both of them wouldn't let it. His hands drifted down her arms and wrapped around her fingers, pulling her to him.

"Feel better now?"

"Much. This was perfect. Thank you."

"You're prefect," he said kissing her.

"No, you're perfect."

"The world's going to implode," he warned, framing her face with his hands.

"It'll be a good show," she said, turning her face to press a kiss to his palm.

"Goodnight, Lindsay."

"Night Adam. I love you."

"Love you too."

They shared another short kiss and both went their separate ways. The smiles on their faces would definitely not be rubbed off in their sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

Spoilers: Sleight out of Hand... ish.

Lindsay paced from one side of the room to the other, her arms crossed over her chest, and every step bringing a pang of nausea to Adam's stomach. From the minute she uttered the words "I need to talk to you," he'd been fearing the worst. The variation on "We need to talk" wasn't giving him much hope.

"Lindsay," he said finally. "Just spit it out."

"I can't. It's just too hard."

"Look, if we're going to have the_ it's not you it's me_ talk you can just say it."

"What? Oh no, Adam, I'm sorry, that's not what this is. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Give me a heart attack is more like it," he said, relieved. He reached out and tugged on her hand, drawing her easily into his lap. "If we're okay then what's going on?"

She sighed and leaned against him, playing with the ring he wore on his middle finger.

"I've never talked about it before," she started, "And I really don't want to, but you need to know and I need to be honest with you."

He nodded and she took a deep breath, not sure where to begin. She'd played it over in her head dozens of times and nothing sounded right. Carefully constructed and she worked herself into a place where she couldn't tell him everything like she wanted to. Let it all just flood out and she would miss something.

She started at the beginning, they way she had with the police officers. She didn't hold the tears back any better this time as she told him how scared she had been in that bathroom, the gunshots she had heard, the paralyzing fear of being found. She told him every detail of finding her friends, the conflicted emotions of escaping with her life, but the knowledge that she would never see her friends again. She told him how she had waited for the police behind the counter, feeling cold and scared and unable to do anything but wrap her arms around herself and mutter "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine" over and over again. She told him how the shock had felt, what it had been like to spend the next few days in the hospital, staring at the ceiling, incapable of even stringing sentences together. They were things she had never told anyone else, things that she locked so deep inside that it had become about what had happened, and she never let herself think about what it had done to her.

He held her tightly while she confessed and cried, his own tears mixing with hers. She bore her whole soul to him and when she was done she wilted against his chest, clinging to him as if pure touch could reconnect her to the world.

He didn't know what to do, and she had nothing else left in her, so they just sat. He rocked her gently, the rhythm of their bodies slowing the tears and soothing her mind.

"I wish I knew what to say," he whispered after a while.

"I wish there was something that could be said," she agreed.

"You never told anyone?"

"Everyone knows what happened, but the rest of it? No."

"You still have nightmares?"

"Not as bad or as often as I used to, but still a few times a week."

"You're going to have them tonight aren't you?"

She nodded against his chest, holding tightly to his t-shirt.

"I'll stay with you."

"Thank you."

He laid down and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, wrapping them in it so her shivers would go away. She snuggled against him, desperately needing his arms around her, the strength that was so essentially him, that she could at least for a moment forget what had put them in this place anyway. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and she sniffled, not sure what to do now. Now he knew, and the hard part was over, but she had never told anyone this before and wasn't sure what came next. Thinking about it always exhausted her, and talking about it just heightened that deflated feeling. So many emotions were running through her, but she felt her eyes sliding closed anyway.

* * *

The night was dark and still when it started. First her hands clenched against him and she whimpered. He woke up then, not sure what he should do. Her breathing came faster and faster and she started to move, trying to get away from him. He knew it was worse than a nightmare, and he'd seen night terrors like this before and knew how dangerous they could be.

"Lindsay it's Adam. You need to wake up now."

She grunted and pushed against him, starting to get more intense in her movements. Her fists pounded against his chest and she kicked her legs against his, trying to get away. He rolled over so she was between him and the back of the couch, not sure if he needed to make her safe or make her surrender. She fought him hard, and he held her tightly in return, saying her name over and over, begging her to wake up. She was crying in her sleep, a lot of the fight going out of her.

"Come on Lindsay, wake up. You're safe. I'm here. It's okay."

Her eyes flew open and she jumped up from the couch, scrambling out of his arms and running into the kitchen. He wasn't sure if he should follow her, but he didn't think he could just sit there. He made his way into the kitchen and found her at the sink, breathing heavily and trying to regain her composure.

"Linds?"

"I'm okay," she said, her voice shaking worse than her hands had been before.

"I know," he replied, coming to stand next to her. She rubbed her temples and sighed, keeping her eyes closed as she leaned against the sink.

"Adam, you don't have to stay. It's going to be like this all night and I don't want you to lose sleep when you have to work in the morning."

"Hey," he started, turning her to face him. "I said I would stay and I'm going to stay. I'm going to be here to hold you when you wake up and I'm going to be here to talk to you until you can fall asleep. And if my sleep patterns are interrupted, then so be it. I love you and I am going to be here for whatever you need."

Tears dribbled down her cheeks and he wiped them away, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

"Go change into some pajamas and I'll make you some hot chocolate and we can try this sleeping thing again."

"You're really good for me, Adam."

"Right back at ya. Go change."

She gave him a weak smile and disappeared into the other room while he set a pot of water on the stove. Though what she had told him was such a horrible thing, and though he wished with all he had that she had never gone through it, he was glad that she trusted him enough to tell him. The fact that he was the only person she had shared it all with gave him a feeling he had never had before. It wasn't just her and him anymore. It was them.

"Hey, you're boiling," she said softly, leaning against the fridge. He turned the burner down and got mugs out of the cupboard while she found the hot chocolate mix. The liquid steamed as they contemplated each other, both aware of the shift that had happened in the last few hours. They weren't just dating anymore. They had cemented a relationship. They could still be silly and still have fun, but there had been another level added tonight.

They watched out the window and finished their hot chocolate, neither one of them saying much. He took her empty mug from her and set it in the sink, then pulled her into his arms.

"Sleep, round two?"

"Okay."

Their hands swung between them as they made their way into the bedroom. They stood near the bed, her breathing speeding up again in the darkness.

"I don't want to go to sleep," she said. "I don't want the dreams."

"Then don't go to sleep. We can just lay here and talk. You at least need some rest, even if it's not sleep."

"Okay."

He reached over and pulled the blankets back and she sat down on the side of the bed with a sigh.

"I don't know if I can do this, Adam," she confessed. "I know it's going to trial soon. Mom has been sending me articles about it. I know they're going to want me to testify. I don't think I can do it. Tell it all again."

He sat down next to her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear before he answered.

"I think you can. I think you need to tell it. And you only have to tell it once more before you never have to tell it again."

"Thanks for the perspective," she said with a small smile.

"Anytime. Now lay down."

"Yes sir."

She crawled under the covers and he joined her, wrapping his arm around her waist. She sighed and closed her eyes, wishing so hard that she didn't have to keep reliving this when life finally got good again.

* * *

Lindsay flopped back against the pillows, her breath coming in gasps as she reoriented herself. She wasn't in the diner, she wasn't in Montana, she wasn't in a room filled with blood and death. She was in her own bed, in New York, wrapped up in the arms of someone who would never let her hurt again. He brushed her hair from her forehead and kissed her cheek, shushing her softly.

"I feel like I can't breathe," she whispered, her eyes vacant as they caught his in the moonlight.

"You can breathe just fine, baby. Just relax," he coached, his hand splayed out over her stomach, his thumb moving slowly.

Rain dripped slowly from the sky as her mind let go of the images, loosening the grip finger by finger until they were all shoved back into a dark corner. She sighed and looked over at the clock, hating that it was four a.m. and neither one of them had had any decent sleep yet. She didn't want to do this to him, but she had no clue as to another option.

"I need to walk," she said finally, standing up from the bed and pulling a sweatshirt on over her t-shirt and lounge pants. "Coming?"

"You think I'm going to let you wander around the city alone at 4 a.m.?"

"Ahem?"

He chuckled and stood from the bed.

"I mean, you don't need protection but you do need someone to talk to. Better?"

"Yes."

They slipped into their shoes and headed outside, the rain pattering against the pavement, still warm from the days sun. They walked slowly, quietly, their hands the only thing connecting them in the moment. Her mind was on anything but that diner, and his mind was on that diner and nothing else. They went around the block without a word, getting completely wet, but not caring. He glanced over at her and noticed how resolved she looked, how content… how complacent. He stared at her, wondering if she was giving in, resigning herself to being tortured by this.

"I'm alright Adam," she said after a moment, turning to look at him. "Or maybe I'm not but in a few days I will be."

"I don't want you to let this take over."

"It won't. I'm stronger than I used to be. I'm going to be fine, it's just going to take time."

"I'll be here. Whatever you need."

She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and wrapped her arms around him, knowing that out of all the people who had told her they would be there, he was the only one who actually would be. She'd always known he was a man of his word, but she'd never known how calming that could be, how safe she would feel with predictability. She never knew how much she needed it either.

The rain fell harder against them as he kissed her forehead and led her back inside. It would take time, that was true. But time was no object to him, and nothing that inconsequential was going to get between them. He'd hold her a little tighter, laugh a little louder, listen a little better, anything to help her to be herself again.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey, do you have an extra sweatshirt I can wear?" Lindsay asked, flopping down on Adam's bed. "I don't think the jean jacket is gonna cut it."

"Aw, but you look so cute in it," he replied, tossing her an old Element sweatshirt.

"I look cute in everything."

"Yeah, I know," he said, pulling his undershirt over his head. "Are you seriously going to lay there and watch me change?"

"What, are you 13?"

"You're creepy."

"Thanks."

He grabbed a long sleeved t-shirt out of his dresser drawer and put it on, then sat down on the bed to change his shoes.

"You're hyper today."

"Well I have been awake for a very long time."

"The early shift: a friend to us all."

"And then I had to wait around for hours until your shift ended. And I was tired so…"

"You had a Red Bull."

"Two little ones."

"Oh no."

"They taste good."

"You make me laugh," he said, leaning down to kiss her.

"Well at least I'm good for something."

"Hey, you're good for more than that," he said, standing up and holding his hand out to help her off the bed. "You're also nice to look at."

"Thanks, handsome."

He chuckled and pulled her out of the bedroom. She'd been talking about a corn maze and a bonfire for weeks, and they both finally had time to go. It was still two weeks until Halloween, so they were pretty sure they weren't going to run into groups of dressed up teenagers or a parade of screaming children. He loved doing these random things with her, so even if their night was ruined by other people, he wasn't going to do much complaining.

Satisfied that they were both dressed warmly enough for the crisp night, they went downstairs to her car and slid in.

"So how'd you find this place?" he asked, buckling his seatbelt before she started the car.

"Do you Yahoo?"

"I thought finding a farm in New York would be harder than finding a 'g' in Danny's accent."

"It's kind of a long drive, but it does exist."

"Fascinating. Think it will live up to your expectations?"

"I hope so. I miss the smell of a bonfire."

"You're such a country girl."

"Yeah, I know. I want to go home, just so I can go barefoot everywhere."

"Do that here and you'll end up with bubonic plague."

She giggled.

"That sounds like the theme of one of those mystery diagnosis shows."

"People who die from fungal foot infections, next on What's My Disease."

"I'm riveted."

He grinned and turned the radio up a little, not at all surprised when it was tuned to country. Three months ago he would have sighed and put up with it, but now he enjoyed it simply because it was so her. One twang and he saw her sitting on a porch swing, her hair bleached by the sun, a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a pair of cut-offs and some cowboy boots, a glass of lemonade or sweet tea sitting next to her. She sang along with the music and he saw her running through wheat fields, jumping in the creek, climbing trees and scaling the rafters in the barn. It was her element and he loved to picture her in it. He couldn't wait to see it for real.

* * *

"She had a sun-tan line and red lipstick, I worked so hard for that first kiss. And a heart don't forget somethin' like that."

They were both singing along with the radio by they time the arrived at the farm, grins from ear to ear, their hands together on the center console. She parked the car in the gravel lot and they both hopped out, breathing deeply.

"I love the fall," she said, closing her eyes for a moment. "The air turns crisp, everything smells good, the sun sits just at that magical spot in the sky where everything looks like it came out of a Norman Rockwell painting."

"Everything turns gold," he agreed, watching the way the lights of the sunset danced through her hair.

"It all seems right."

He smiled and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her close and kissing her temple.

"Plus there's candy corn."

"We mustn't forget the candy corn," she agreed with a nod.

They followed the small crowd of people and before long they were on a short hayride across the farm to the corn maze.

"So how do you wanna play this?" he asked as the trailer bumped along the dirt path.

"I don't know. Should we take a map?"

"Are we that wussy?"

"I don't think so."

The trailer stopped and he hopped down, then reached up for her. Her boots hit the ground in a cloud of dust as she looked at the corn field.

"It sure ain't wheat," she said, wiping her hands off on her jeans.

"This ain't Montana anymore, Toto."

"It's really weird to hear you use ain't."

"It's really weird to hear you slip into a southern accent even though you've never been to the south."

"It's a quirk," she said with a shrug as he pulled her into the maze.

"You're full of them. What's say we just go ahead and get ourselves lost?"

"I like that plan."

They walked for a long time, taking random turns, not sure where they were, but not really wanting to find out. They were just happy to be together, smiling and adventuring, as if nothing else in the world could touch them.

"We'd better find our way out of here. Getting dark soon," Adam said, pressing his hand against the corn stalks.

Lindsay chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"It's not a house of mirrors, babe."

"Same mystique," he answered, jumping up to see over the corn.

"Not gonna happen," she said, tugging him back down. "This stuff was way over knee high by the fourth of July. We're going to have to do this the old fashioned way."

"Me Lewis, you Clark?"

"Mmm," she started, a mischievous look coming into her eyes. "More like me Roadrunner, you Wile E. Coyote!"

She dropped his hand and took off running, disappearing around the corner before he could catch her. Laughing, he went after her trying hard to catch up, but not being able to anticipate her movements. She darted around corners and he had the sneaking suspicion that she had planned this. Finally he caught up with her at the end of the maze, his arms grabbing her waist and spinning her around. She laughed and held onto him, leaning up to kiss his cheek once he settled her onto the ground.

"Thanks for indulging my childish side."

"Anytime."

They got the last hayride back to the farm where a bonfire was well underway. He paid for two cups of cider and brought them back to the hay bale she was sitting on.

"When was the last time you were at a bonfire?" he asked as she sipped her cider.

"I can't remember. Probably high school. My parents used to go on these weekend trips to Great Falls and my brothers would have these huge parties and not invite me. I'd sit up on the back deck and watch them though. They were pyros, so lots of things went in the fire that probably shouldn't have."

"Anybody ever get injured?"

"Nah, they launched stuff from a safe distance. Load up the cow pie sling shot and spend a few hours… what?"

"Cow pie sling shot?"

"Summers were long and mom was always telling us to get out of the house."

He smiled as he watched the firelight play over her hair and flicker in her eyes. There was something special about this time of night, when the darkness was taking over. It was still and peaceful and it caused everyone enveloped by it to feel the same. He slid his arm around her shoulders and she leaned against him with a light sigh.

"So how about you? Last bonfire?"

"High school also. I had this group of friends that were pretty stupid, and we went on this camping trip after graduation once."

"Science geeks on a camping trip can only lead to the emergency room."

"Nah, we'd learned our lesson the year before."

"Are you going to tell me that story next?"

"We haven't been dating nearly long enough for that one."

"Okay. Continue."

"It was around midnight and everyone was still up. The other campsites were still awake too, but it was pretty quiet out. Anyway, I left to go to the bathroom and when I was coming back, I thought I would go around the back of the campsite and jump out and scare everyone. I walked really slowly and carefully so I wouldn't step on a stick and alert everyone to my presence. I waited in the bushes for a while until the perfect moment arrived. I jumped out of the bushes and assumed the most menacing stance I could conjure up. A fierce growl emanated from my lips, the likes of which I had never heard outside a Bigfoot documentary. And as the cry pierced the night I suddenly realized that I had breached the wrong campsite and had startled some unfortunate octogenarians."

Lindsay laughed as she pictured the scene in her head, probably a lot more exaggerated than it had actually been.

"What did you do?"

"I sheepishly walked back to my campsite… much to the amusement of my friends who had seen the entire episode. They didn't stop talking about it for months."

"Oh Adam. I bet you never tried to scare anyone again."

"Nope. That night cured me of any scare tactics I may have had."

"Tell me another story."

"I have to think of one first."

"Okay."

"Do you want another embarrassing one?"

"Not necessarily, though they are pretty funny. What else do you have?"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I got stuck in a Barbie nightgown?"

"What?"

"I think that's pretty self explanatory."

"No it's not!"

"Okay, it involved a video scavenger hunt and the challenge to go into a store and try on the ugliest outfit you could find. Hence the Barbie nightgown, hence me getting stuck in it, and begging Chris to shut the camera off. I may or may not have popped a seam in the armpit."

"You mean there's video of this somewhere?"

"It may have been sabotaged."

"Adam, you're too much."

"I know. Okay, now you have to tell me a story."

"I wet my pants in third grade during a spelling test."

"Oh come on, that's not a story it's a statement!"

"Okay, in second grade we went on this skiing field trip. There was a girl in my class named Megan and everyone hated her because she was a whiny wuss fart. She had a My Little Pony lunch bag that she wore like a purse and refused to leave in the lodge because she was sure someone would steal it. And she had these nasty coke bottle glasses that made Paul Pfeiffer look hip. She was so annoying. Her voice was all nasally and she would tattle on us for the dumbest things. I hated that girl."

"No kidding."

"Anyway, we were going down this hill and you had to turn at one point because if you didn't, you would pretty much shoot off the side of the mountain and die. There was a group of four or five of us and our teacher Mr. Penny was in front of us and Megan was behind us. Se we all take the corner and a few seconds later, we hear this blood curdling scream and then silence. Certain she had fallen to her death, we all went over to the side and looked down."

She started to giggle at this point, giggle so hard she could barely get the words out.

"That stupid lunch bag had caught on a tree branch and she was clutching it for dear life, one ski still on, neither one of her poles anywhere in sight. She had snow caked all over her glasses and she was bawling like a maniac. Mr. Penny had to crawl out on his stomach and rescue her and then he had to carry her back to the lodge because she was in hysterics. And so were the rest of us, but for totally different reasons."

"She almost died and you were laughing at her?" he asked, feeling slightly guilty, but laughing himself.

"Of course! I hated her!"

Adam chuckled and hugged her.

"You were a mean kid."

"My brothers taught me to be a bully and I didn't want to disappoint them by fallin' down on the job."

"I don't think you could ever disappoint anyone, Linds."

"That," she said softly, "is another discussion for another day. But thank you anyway."

"Ready to go home?"

"Not particularly, but I suppose we should."

He helped her up from the hay bale and they made their way back to the car, where she handed him her keys and got into the passenger seat.

"So, your favorite fall time activity. Was it everything you had hoped?"

"Well it wasn't at home and there weren't candy apples, but you were there, so I think this one tops them all."

"Aw, thanks Linds."

"Thanks for coming with me."

"Anytime. Wanna go get some pumpkin pie?"

"Yes I do."

* * *

Night found them crawling into their separate beds, phones pressed to their ears, voices low as they bid each other goodnight. They were simple words wishing sweet dreams, conveying love in the best way they could, promises to see each other in the morning. It was a nightly occurrence, one that they were both sure they couldn't sleep without. It wasn't that they were co-dependent as much as they had become each other's habit.

She slid under the covers, still wearing his sweatshirt that smelled of bonfire and him. Pulling the pillow under her head, she sighed and said goodnight one last time before turning the phone off. She still had the nightmares occasionally, but more often than not her dreams were filled with their days together, and sleep was no longer something to be dreaded.


	12. Chapter 12

Lindsay moved quickly around the kitchen, putting dishes away and trying to get the food off the counter. Her parents were flying into town today and would be staying through the weekend. She had totally forgotten about it until the call from her mom this morning. She had raced home from work and tried to clean up the apartment, which had become a pigsty in the last week, due to so much overtime. She loved her parents, but they had raised her to keep a house clean and if they walked in to find laundry on the couch, she'd have a lecture to sit through. Sighing, she brushed her hair back from her forehead and wiped her hands on her jeans, heading for the bedroom. She changed the sheets and fluffed the pillows quickly before giving the bathroom a once-over.

She passed back through the kitchen where Adam was sitting at the table, trying to order something for dinner that didn't feel like take-out. There was no way Chinese or pizza could be homemade, so he was ordering lasagna from the shop down the street. He was on hold, however, and his impatience was increasing.

"Hon, slow down and take a breath," he said, reaching out for her hand as she walked by with a basket of laundry.

"I can't. I've still got to put this away and find decent towels and vacuum the floor and make sure I have stuff for breakfast in the morning."

"I know but you're making yourself crazy and as much as I enjoy you crazy, it's not good for you."

"Adam, don't flirt with me right now, I'm not in a good mood."

"Geez, chill out," he muttered, crossing his arms.

"Are you really going to be four years old today?" she huffed, switching the basket to her other hip.

"In the time it took you to insult me, you could have put that laundry away."

She glared at him, then stalked into the other room while he finished ordering dinner. When she came back she still looked flustered and mad, and he stood from the table, drawing her into his arms.

"I don't want to fight with you," he said, kissing her forehead. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm just tired and I wasn't ready for company and I just… I don't want to fight with you either."

"Okay, what can I do to help you?"

"Vacuum the floor?"

"Done," he said, letting go of her. "And I'm sorry."

"Me too. Fight over."

He headed for the closet to get the vacuum, realizing how close they had come to an actual fight. He could safely say that he was not a fan.

They worked for a while longer, getting the apartment up to her parents standards and flopping onto the couch with a while to spare. She snuggled up next to him with a sigh and closed her eyes.

"I'm kind of dreading this," she muttered with a sigh.

"How come?"

"I don't know. I'm sure they're going to be fine, I just… I have this fear of disappointing them. I work too much or I don't work enough, I should live in a safer neighborhood, why am I wasting money on having cable."

"Couldn't you date someone better?"

"No, I'm not worried about that. They'll like you just fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Daddy will size you up and not talk to you at all for a while, but don't take it personally."

"You're a daddy's girl and he wants me to know it."

"Basically."

"My stomach is in knots."

"It'll be fine. Uncle Freddie will be here. He likes you so he'll be a good buffer."

"He likes me, but he makes fun of my fantasy football choices."

"That's because you suck at fantasy football."

"Thanks baby."

She chuckled as he kissed her, wishing that her parents weren't on their way. They'd been working so much that they hadn't been spending much time together, and it had been over a week since he'd kissed her, much less even looked her in the eye.

"Hey let's not go that long again," he said after a moment.

"I'll pencil you in for tomorrow afternoon."

"Ooh, a rendezvous."

Her chuckle was interrupted by a knock on the door and he opened it to find that dinner had arrived. He paid the delivery guy and took the food into the kitchen, turning the oven on low and setting the bread and lasagna inside. He pulled plates down from the cupboard and set them around the table, then returned to the couch.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"If for some out of this world, insane reason my parents don't like you… we'll still be okay, right?"

He framed her face with his hands and looked deep into her eyes, making very clear that he was serious about what he was going to say.

"I'm not going anywhere. Nothing and no one can make me. Got it?"

"I got it."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips then pulled back and looked at her again.

"And if I have to spend the rest of my life proving it to you, then so be it."

"You don't have to prove it. Though I do enjoy the ways you do."

There was another knock on the door and she answered it this time to find her parents and Uncle Freddie. She was swallowed into hugs from her parents, and Adam smiled to himself as she laughed. He loved even the short moments of her in her element.

She introduced him to her parents, her dad shaking his hand, looking directly in his eye, and not smiling even the smallest bit. It was intimidating, but he wasn't going to let it get to him.

* * *

"Mama, should I be worried about that in there?" Lindsay asked as she filled the sink with water. She was staring out into the other room where her dad and Adam were deep in conversation. Freddie had left an hour ago, removing the buffer from the room.

"Only if he starts making that face," Anne answered. "Don't worry honey."

"But daddy always does that "she's my little girl, you hurt her heart I hurt your face" macho shot gun thing and it's really annoying."

"Yes, it is."

"Is he doing that?"  
"Maybe a little."

"Mama."

"Honey, your dad and I haven't seen you this happy in a long, long time. And yeah, it could just be the city and the new life, but we're both pretty sure it's because of that man that's been making you laugh all night. So while you are still your daddy's baby girl, and while he's never going to want to give you away, he's over the moon that you're so happy. Whatever lecture he has is going to be very short. Adam will survive."

She smiled and scrubbed a plate clean.

"Okay. I'll stop thinking about it then."

"Good. That means we can girl talk."

"Mama, you really should have had more girls."

"I regret that every day."

"What do you want to know?"

"Whatever happened with Danny?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Nope. He's dating someone else who is way better for him than I ever would have been, and I am with someone who is way better for me than he ever would have been, so I think we both got the good end of the deal."

"How come you never said much about Adam before all this?"

Lindsay sighed and dried a glass.

"I guess it was because we were just friends. Then it happened and it was like "Why didn't we think of this before?" Curveball."

There was a long pause as her mom nodded, contemplating her next question. She had that look on her face that Lindsay had seen so many times growing up, but she wasn't exactly sure what kind of question was going to come out. She knew for sure it was going to be blunt, cut to the chase and personal, but she didn't know if it would be a question she would be comfortable answering.

"Just spit it out, the anticipation is killing me."

"Forgive me for wanting to word it in a gentle manner."

"Oh since when have we ever tried to be gentle in this family?"

"So are you sleeping with Adam?"

"MOTHER!"

"What?"

"I just… you… we… you've never asked that before."

"Is that yes or no?"

"Mom, I'm not 16 anymore. You can't just ask that and expect me to answer."

"Yeah. But I want to know."

"Why?"

"I don't know! Why are you avoiding answering the question?"

"Fine. No. I'm not."

"You're not?"

"No. Yes, I understand it's strange and prude but… we're just not."

"Why?"

Lindsay took a deep breath and dried her hands on the dishtowel for a long time before formulating even a little bit of the answer.

"Remember when I was twelve and you told me that you can only give it away once and you had better make sure that you gave it to the right person because you can't get it back and then when you do find the right person, you'll have nothing for them?"

"Yes."

"You were right. As hokey as it sounded then, and as silly as it sounds now, it's really true. He's the right person and I don't have that to give him. And that hurts. Because I love him. I love him more than I can even understand and I have nothing for him. When I was younger it didn't matter as much. It was just something parents said to keep their kids from getting pregnant. But the older I get, the more I realize how true it is. It really does bond you to someone for life, no matter where you are. Not to mention it adds a whole new set of issues to a relationship that is already full of two flawed people."

"Yes, it does."

"Both of us have had others. Not many, mind you, but they still exist. And we both just feel like it wouldn't be as special as it should be right now. I can't really explain it. It's like if we both just gave it away to people who really didn't matter, then what are we saying to each other? We're saying that we're just like the ones who have come before. It makes more sense in my head and it made more sense when we talked about it. And it's not like we don't want it. Believe me, we both do. But it's so much more emotional than physical. It has so much more depth and power than people realize. And we want it to be right and special and just… does this even make sense?"

"Yes, but I never thought I would hear anyone outside my generation saying it."

"Well call me old fashioned and buy me a chastity belt."

"Oh honey."

Anne laughed and hugged her daughter tightly.

"You two really talked about this?"

"A few times. And believe me, it's easier to tell him than it is to tell you."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well, I could speculate on what that means, but I'll save that for another day. And I would also like to revel in the feeling of being right and having my stubborn daughter admit it."

"You're welcome, mama."

"So are you going to wait forever?"

She sighed and shrugged.

"I don't know. It just has to be right. It has to be different than it ever has been. And that may be a long ways off. That may be a night when there are rings on both of our fingers. I don't know that. I just don't want to mess this up and I don't want it to become less special than it really is. And I suppose that is that."

"Daughter of mine, you leave me speechless."

"Thank you for making me say all that."

"You always did need to take your thoughts out and reorganize them every once in a while."

"Some things never change."

* * *

The clock ticked quietly while Adam's stomach did flips. He had said he wouldn't worry, Lindsay had told him it would be fine, but he just couldn't feel truly comfortable with her dad staring him down.

"So," Dale started, crossing his arms. "You like my daughter."

"Yes, sir," Adam said with a gulp, feeling very much like the unworthy boyfriend in a bad made for TV movie.

"She's the only daughter I got, you know."

"I know."

"I think I love her more than I love the boys. You can imagine how I might feel if her heart got broken."

"Yes, sir."

"And as a crime scene investigator, I am pretty sure you could imagine some of the things I might do to you."

"Yes."

"So you would be well advised to keep yourself in check."

Adam nodded.

"I won't hurt her, sir. I love her. And I know you may need more reassurance than that, but that's all I've got."

"You'll take care of her?"

"As much as she'll let me."

"You'll protect her?"

"As much as she needs."

"You'll make sure she's happy."

"Everyday."

"I'm never going to think you're good enough for her."

"I wouldn't expect you to. But I would also hope that you don't let her know that."

"I suppose we have a deal then, Ross. But it doesn't mean I'm not watching you."

"That's fair."

They shook hands, more as a way to end the conversation than anything.

"Adam, Lindsay can't find the ice-cream," Anne said as she came into the room and sat down next to her husband. "She's accusing you of stealing it."

"I didn't steal it," he said, standing from the chair. "She's a sleep eater."

He went into the kitchen and found her looking in the freezer.

"Baby, the ice-cream is right-"

He was cut off when she spun around and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him for all she was worth.

"What got into you?" he asked once she had pulled away.

"I just like you. And I'm still sorry about the argument before."

"So you didn't really lose the ice-cream?"

"I'm wily."

He chuckled and reached past her, taking the tub of Rocky Road out of the freezer.

"Wanna tell me what my dad said to you?"

"Only if you wanna tell me what your mom said that made you screech "MOTHER!""

"I've had enough of the conversation for today, but I'll tell you later."

"It's a deal."

They shared another quick kiss before getting bowls out and scooping the ice-cream into them.

"Hey Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"You make me really, really happy."

"You make me really, really happy too."


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: And I just might love the Moss more than the Dantana. Admitting it is the first step I suppose. "Future Foe Scenarios" by Silversun Pickups. Thanks to the brother for this song.

* * *

"But where are we going?" Lindsay asked with a frustrated sigh as Adam pulled her down the street.

"If I tell you then it won't be a surprise."

"Does everything have to be a surprise with you?"

"Yes, it does."

"What about what's in the bag? Can you at least tell me that?"

"Part of the surprise."

She sighed again and used her free hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. She was tired and really would rather curl up on the couch with Adam and a big blanket, eat popcorn and watch _Hope Floats_. Of course, he was getting a pretty big kick out of this surprise, and who was she to deny him that? Smiling, she quickened her pace to keep up with him.

He stopped in front of a coffee shop that she had never seen before; a little hole in the wall that had character oozing from it. It was subdued on the outside, orange light coming from the sconces on either side of the door. The awning was purple and gold and there was even a welcome mat on the doorstep. He held the door for her and they stepped into the small shop, greeted by a perfectly fragranced marriage of coffee and cider, tea and pastries. The walls were all different colors, from a shimmering silver to a distressed yellow. Knick-knacks and odd sculptures stood on staggered shelves while unknown art adorned the rest of the walls. The tables stood at odd heights and were in no particular order. There were metal folding chairs, old wooden kitchen table chairs, upholstered chairs, unfinished chairs. Everything fit together while being so starkly unique that it couldn't have been a plan and it couldn't have been an accident.

She followed him to the back corner of the room, a cop table where they could see everyone entering and exiting the store. She took the emerald velour wingback chair while he chose a padded wood chair.

"What do you want to drink? Coffee?"

"Tea. Earl gray if they have it."

He nodded and went to the counter to order, coming back with two mugs steaming with hot liquid. He put them on the table then sat down, the chair squeaking under his weight. Lindsay giggled and Adam stood up again.

"I should get a different chair."

He swapped it out for a plain wooden one then sat down again.

"So now can I see what's in the bag?" she asked, taking a sip of the too-hot tea. He nodded and pulled out two coloring books and a huge box of crayons.

"Remember the other day," he started at her curious expression. "You told me that when you were a kid you used to hide out in your closet with a flashlight when you were supposed to be in bed, and you would write and draw and color until the wee hours of the morning. You said it was like you could shut your brain off and let your mind work. You just looked like you needed that tonight."

The smile that spread across her face rivaled any he had seen from her so far.

"I can't believe you remember that," she whispered, pulling her legs up under her.

"You said it, why shouldn't I remember it?"

She reached for his hand across the table and gave it a squeeze.

"Thanks for bein' perfect."

"I'm just a good actor. Oh, I almost forgot. Music."

He took his iPod out of his pocket and handed her one of the ear buds.

"Ooh yay! Do you have new stuff?"

"Yep, just for you."

"You win."

They cracked open their coloring books and selected crayons before setting to work. It was silly and childish, but it was relaxing and just what she had needed. She loved knowing that she could do these things, be this person with him, and he was there for the ride. He encouraged the parts of her that she had hidden away, loved even the bad parts of her because he saw her through them. She never had to hide from him, and he didn't have to hide from her. She didn't even know what it meant to love yourself until she felt how he loved her. She didn't know what she had been missing until it was offered to her so freely. It almost made her mourn the time she had wasted, but it also made her appreciate this even more.

They colored in relative silence, stopping occasionally to people watch or make comments about the music. Her brain had shut off, allowing her mind to run free and work over problems with relative peace. It wasn't that she lost her emotion, she was just more able to see clearly through it.

"Hey, go back and play that song again."

"The last one?"

"Yeah."

He turned the song back and she sat quietly, her eyes staring off somewhere else. She propped her chin on her hands and listened to the words of the song, hearing something in them that she wasn't expecting. She'd always loved music, especially the songs that told a story. She liked when she could picture something in her head, feel the emotion in her chest. But there was something about this song that struck her somewhere else.

"That line," she breathed, her brow furrowing. "Where bobby pins hold angel wings."

"Yeah?"

"It says something," she said, her eyes searching the ceiling for something to string her words together. "It's like when you're a kid and you realize that Peter Pan and Tinkerbell aren't really flying. You see the cables that hold them up and something inside you just dies. You lost something. But at the same time it's almost the opposite. Bobby pins might be holding your angel wings on, but it doesn't matter because the wings are still there and you can still feel magical, even if not all is right in the world."

"And what if it's not even about the bobby pins? Normally wouldn't you use a safety pin for something like that? So maybe it's about futility, the desperate desire to hold on to something good, no matter how weak and broken it is."

Their eyes met across the table and she smiled.

"We're deep tonight."

"I knew you needed a creative outlet. Next week, pottery."

"It's a plan."

* * *

"You're getting tired," Adam said a couple hours later. Lindsay glanced over at him and arched an eyebrow slightly.

"How do you know?"

"Your thumb is twitching. It always twitches when you're tired."

He went back to rubbing her feet, casually as if he had just told her that it was going to rain tomorrow. She stared at him for a minute, not sure what to say.

"You know, you have tells too," she said, sitting up a little bit on the couch.

"Oh do I?"

"When you're confused you scratch your ear."

"Well when you're mad you crack your neck."

"When you're hungry you bite your lip."

"When you're happy your eyes crinkle."

"When you're bored you suck your teeth."

"When you have nightmares you won't look me in the eye."

She fell into silence, looking down at her hands for a moment.

"I didn't mean to bring it up," he said finally.

"No, it's okay. I really don't look you in the eye?"

"It's how I know when you've had a bad night."

She was quiet while his fingers ran over her calf.

"Thank you for seeing me," she whispered. "No one else ever really has."

"I'll always see you, Lindsay."

She sat up and crawled across the couch, letting herself fall into his arms. It was the one place on earth where time slowed and everything was as it should be.

"I love you," he said, pressing his forehead to hers. "So, so much."

"I love you too."

"Thank you for trusting me enough to let yourself be seen."

She smiled as his fingers ran through her hair and his lips found hers in the TV-lit semi-darkness. It was a perfection that she had never been sure that she deserved, not until she saw him seeing her. He loved her in a way that no one else ever had and no one else ever could. It was the once in a lifetime, fate smiling at destiny, unbelievable stroke of luck and she would hold onto it like she had never held onto anything before.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: Guess who's back? AUSTIN! We sure like her over here.

* * *

The alarm buzzed shrilly and Lindsay groaned before throwing her arm over her eyes. It was way too early to get up if she didn't have to be at work until this afternoon. She sighed and glanced over at the clock, glaring at it instead of hitting the snooze. She was never going to volunteer to cook Thanksgiving dinner again. It had started out as Stella's idea, to make dinner for everyone who was stuck at work on Thanksgiving. Lindsay had been more than happy to help out, but then Stella got involved in a case and that left Lindsay to do the whole thing herself. Austin was coming over to help because according to Danny she was capable of making "the best sweet potato thing in the world."

Resigning herself to the fact that she had to get up, Lindsay reached over and turned the alarm off, then slowly drug herself out of bed and into the shower. She started making a mental list of all the things she had to get done and how she was going to get the timing right. No one really realized what a big job this was, and she was certain that after cooking all morning, taking the food all the way over to the lab and serving it, the guys were going to scarf it down and leave her to clean up. Such was the life with a bunch of boys around.

She stepped out of the shower and got changed, toweling her hair dry and praying that it would look somewhat normal so she wouldn't have to go ten rounds with the curling iron later. She took a deep breath before venturing into the kitchen, thanking her lucky stars that she had put the turkey in the fridge to defrost a week ago. She preheated the oven and turned on a pot of coffee before prepping the turkey. She'd watched her mom do it many times and was pretty confident doing it herself, but this was her first go of it alone, and that is why she had Food Network's website up on her laptop. She wasn't going to ruin this.

She washed her hands and put the turkey in the oven then poured herself a cup of coffee. It was a small turkey and a hot oven, so she was estimating a little over an hour before it was done. Of course it would have to rest for a long time, and then there were other things to make like mashed potatoes and gravy, green bean casserole, stuffing, and dinner rolls. Her head spun with all she had to do and she took a big sip of coffee.

She was going to kill Adam. Decaf in her regular coffee bag again. He claimed he was worried about her heart, or her blood pressure or stomach lining, but really, he just liked messing with her.

She found her cell phone and called him, tapping her fingers on the counter until he picked up.

"Hey."

"What's the ransom?"

"What?"

"I want you to give up the location of my real coffee. What do I have to do to get it?"

"Oh, this could be interesting."

"Adam…" she warned, trying to keep up the gruff façade. "I am willing to go along with your little game here, but you've got to play fair. Alright?"

"Alright. The coffee is somewhere in your apartment."

"That's helpful."

"Promise me a back rub and I'll tell you where it is."

"Okay, promise."

"Not just five minutes. I real back rub. The kind I give you."

"Alright, fine."

"It's on top of the entertainment center."

"But… I can't even reach that standing on a chair."

"That wouldn't be a problem if you didn't drink the coffee that stunted your growth in the first place."

She narrowed her eyes even though he couldn't see her.

"You are evil."

"You are an addict."

"I thought you loved me more than this."

"So you want me to be an enabler?"

"For the sake of this conversation."

"I'll enable you right now, but that is not going to make the coffee come flying off the shelf. Plus I have to get back to work. Tide yourself over with decaf and have regular when you get to work."

"I'm not coming in for hours!"

"It's a hard-knock life, babe."

"You're not making it any easier. I thought that was what I paid you for."

"I should be collecting retro pay then because I have not been receiving checks in a timely manner."

"Oh Adam, what am I going to do with you?"

"Pay me, I just said that."

She chuckled and stepped off the chair she had been using to try and reach the coffee, despite her knowledge that it wasn't going to work.

"I'll give you a dollar later."

"Yay."

"So enthusiastic."

"Well, it's just a dollar. Everyone has 'em."

"I'll give you… a noogie?"

"Refused."

"I'll let you make out with me."

"As payment? Pretty sure that's illegal."

"I'll make you a chocolate cheesecake."

"Now you're talking. I've got to get back to work."

"Did someone just walk in the room? Should I start making kissing noises to make you blush?"

"Two chocolate cheesecakes if you do."

"Bye honey. Love you."

"Love you too."

She hung up the phone, perfectly willing to exchange her real coffee for banter like that. He simply made her happy.

* * *

"Hey Lindsay hurry up, these potatoes are burning a hole in my pocket."

"Why are you carrying potatoes in your pocket?" Lindsay asked as she opened the door. Austin shrugged.

"Sounded good in my head. These are super heavy though. If guys didn't eat so much I would still be able to feel my left hand."

"Put it on the counter."

"Geez it smells good in here. You've been hiding an apron under your lab coat?"

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"Your secret's safe with me. I need to microwave these potatoes."

"Go ahead."

Austin crossed the kitchen and used a fork to poke holes in the sweet potatoes before putting them in the microwave.

"Oh my word," she said with a chuckle.

"What?"

Austin turned around, a strip of pictures in her hand.

"Was this an ugly face contest?"

Lindsay grinned and glanced at the pictures of her and Adam from the photo mat. It had been hanging on the fridge for months and she had actually forgotten about it.

"Pretty much. Who do you think won?"

"I couldn't begin to speculate. Reminds me of ER when Mark and Susan-"

"Went on separate double dates and ended up ditching the duds?"

"Exactly."

"I love that episode. I am a sucker for Mark and Susan."

"So am I. don't tell Danny I'm an ER fangirl."

"No problem."

"Speaking of Danny, I'm sure he told you…"

"I have the fire department on speed dial."

"I could kill that man."

"Just don't kiss him for a day; to him that's almost as bad."

"I'd rather just knock his block off and get it over with."

"And she has a violent streak."

"Word has it I popped out of the womb and slugged my brother."

"That's what any good sister does after all."

"You're plagued with brothers?"

"Three older ones. Man, the revenges I have planned for them."

"Did they ever wake you up on your birthday by putting a snake in your bed?"

"Where did he get a snake in the city?"

"Oh, Andy saved up for months and went and bought one at the pet store."

"Ooh, that's evil. Did you scream?"

"It was the first time my parents ever heard me curse. It's a good thing I was halfway down the street before they knew what happened."

"At least you only had one brother to deal with. Mine were strategic planners and I learned early on that if they said "Come on Linds, it'll be fun" I had to get out of there as soon as I could."

"Injuries?"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Too many to count. They knocked out my front tooth when I was four. We'd had a snowstorm that winter and we were quite literally snowed in. My dear brothers thought it would be a great plan to ride the old crib mattress down the stairs. And it was a great plan the first three or four times. But before I knew it, Jake was giving me an extra push, Eli was opening the front door, and Riley was cheering as I sailed down the front steps across the wood floor, out the front door, over the front porch and directly into the five feet of snow that were piled outside. The snow had frozen through, so I had bruises all over and my tooth was gone. Somewhere in the snow… and we never found it."

"Andy and Danny were playing with bottle rockets and they misfired and it shot into the back of my head."

"Riley bounced me off the trampoline, I landed in a fresh cow pie and broke my wrist."

"Andy convinced me that if I held onto a kite I could fly out of a tree. Big fat swollen knee."

"Eli dared me to take the old tractor off a dirt bike jump. Broke the other wrist."

"Andy used to help me sneak out of the house to go to shows with him, and while shimmying down the drainpipe is pretty easy, shimmying back up is kinda hard. So it's raining and I'm climbing and Andy is down there going "Hurry up Austin, dad's gonna kill us!" So I climbed faster, slipped off the drain pipe, ripped my jeans and broke my ankle when I hit the ground. And Andy's standin' there screaming because he thought I was dead, the whole neighborhood woke up and I never lived it down."

"Jake used to do this thing where he would lay on the floor and we would sit on his feet and he would launch us to see how much air we could get. One day he decided to try a new technique where he would push harder with one leg than the other in an effort to turn us midair. Fine and dandy until my butt went through the wall."

"Oh man I hope you didn't hit a stud."

"I was lucky."

"Brothers kinda suck."

"Yeah they do."

"But then they do nice things, like calling you at midnight on your birthday."

"Or letting you wear their coat when you walk home from school because it's really cold out."

"Or when you're 14 and Danny breaks up with you, your brother throws you in the car and drives all night until you smile again."

"Maybe brothers aren't so bad after all."

Austin nodded and took the sweet potatoes out of the microwave.

"Oh, hot."

"Yeah, I think that's the idea."

"You're seriously going to mock me while you stand there listening to Backstreet Boys and looking utterly confused over the Stove-Top stuffing directions?"

"That seems to be the case."

"I am not beyond starting a food fight."

"I'll keep that in mind."

The phone rang and Lindsay grabbed it off the counter, keeping one eye on Austin lest she make good on the threat.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's Stella."

"Hey Stell."

"So I hope you're not cutting vegetables already."

"No, not yet."

"Because I went ahead and grabbed a relish tray this morning, so you don't have to worry about it."

"Really? You rock."

"Yeah, I thought so. You girls don't burn anything down, okay?"

"Don't worry, I just got my fire extinguisher serviced."

"Dirty!" Austin shouted.

"Oh dear."

"Good luck with that, Lindsay. See you later."

They hung up and Lindsay looked over at Austin who was giggling.

"Sorry. I never get a chance to say that."

* * *

"Okay, so I'm not trying to be misogynistic or nothin'," Danny started.

"Big word."

"But I'm really glad that women have natural inclinations in the kitchen."

Lindsay and Austin glanced at each other, not sure where to take the compliment.

"So what are you saying there, Danny?"

"Just that… this is really good. Why, what do you think I was saying?"

"You don't want to clarify your words?" Austin asked, arching an eyebrow and crossing her arms.

"I think what Danny means is thanks for making dinner," Mac said with a grin.

"See, chivalry is not dead, nor does it wear a wife beater," Austin said, tossing her rolled up napkin at Danny's head.

"But apparently the concept of being a lady is lost on you, Graceless."

"Maybe it is, but she's only trying to be a lady for you. I'd give up as well," Lindsay said with a shrug. Austin snickered while Danny glared.

"Why is everyone pickin' on me?"

"Cuz you open your mouth without thinkin' ninety percent of the time," Adam answered. "And these women here, they jump on stuff like that. You gotta be in tune with your audience."

"You're going to give me advice on women, Adam? Seriously?"

"You don't have to take it."

"It might be better if I don't. I mean, you're not exactly really up on the issues."

"Because I don't read GQ?"

"No, because you read Gamer's Monthly."

Lindsay was trying so hard not to burst out laughing that she was afraid her chest might actually explode. That would be nice and festive.

"At least I read and don't just look at the pictures."

"At least I have a pulse."

"At least the pulse I have doesn't objectify women."

"At least I don't… ah, I'm out."

Stella and Mac rolled their eyes in perfect unison, much to the amusement of Lindsay and Austin who both happened to see it, and unfortunately looked at each other. Girlish giggles erupted from their side of the table and Danny sighed, shaking his head. There would be no living with either one of them after this.

"You know, I think that since all you boys are off the clock now, and all us girls have to get on the clock, all you boys should clean this up," Stella said, checking her watch.

"Oh man, come on Stella!"

"Yeah!" Adam agreed. "There is nothing worse than cleaning up Thanksgiving dinner when you have a tryptophan hangover."

"I can think of something worse," Lindsay supplied, standing up from the table. "Conan O'Brien in his boxers, eating jelly beans."

"Aw, Lindsay! That was six months ago! You lured me into a false sense of security that you had forgotten about it."

"I never go back on a promise, buddy."

She patted his shoulder and left the room, Stella and Austin following her.

"So, what are the odds of them cleaning this up if we just leave it?" Flack asked, checking his tie to make sure he hadn't dropped anything on it.

"I think it might be more accurate to ask what the odds are of us being alive after they inevitably clean this up because we left it," Mac countered, standing up. "We'd better get to work. If I know Stella, she'll be back to check on us in 20 minutes."

"She's mean."

"No she's not. She's really just a pink fuzzy bunny," Flack said. "Like Mac."

"I am pretty sure I resent that."

* * *

Adam's shirt was wet up to the elbows with dishwater and he was pretty certain the gravy on his pants had been a carefully executed sabotage by Danny and Flack. No one ever said that men could safely be left to their own devices though, so he shouldn't have been surprised.

Night had fallen around the lab, and it was quiet, the lights dimmed just a little as people went about their work. Everything seemed to slow down on the holidays, even if crime and evidence waited for no man. The slower pace was a nice reprieve anyway.

He was heading home, but wanted to find Lindsay before he left. He felt like he hadn't seen her all day, despite eating dinner together. It was the time alone that he really loved, even if it was just a moment.

He peeked into the lab and found her concentrating on some reports, her brow furrowed as she tried to connect the dots. She sighed and bit her lip, shuffling through the papers again.

"Hey," he started, stepping into the room.

"Hey. I thought you'd left already."

"On my way out. Wanna walk me?"

"Sure."

She stood up and joined him in the hallway, both of them walking slowly towards the elevator.

"So did you end up getting your coffee?"

"I'm on my fourth cup."

"I'll get your real stuff down later."

"Yes, yes you will."

He smiled and grabbed her wrist, pulling her down a dark hallway that probably hadn't been used in months.

"Hey, what are you-"

"Just c'mere."

The hallway was dark enough that she could barely see him, and before she could process what was going on, she had been back up against the wall, his lips descending on hers in the most frenzied kiss she'd received from him to date. She gasped from the surprise of it, then regained her balance and returned the fervor, her hands wrapped around his arms to keep from falling.

"What in the world…?" she questioned, near panting when he pulled away. He just smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Night Linds."

She leaned back against the wall, grinning as she watched him walk away. Leave it to him to completely distract her from what she was supposed to be doing. And breaking their cardinal rule of no PDA at work? Maybe he wasn't such a good boy after all.

She was nearly humming as she made her way back down the hall, no motivation to get back to work. She'd probably get after him for it later, but she was going to enjoy it for now.

She came around the corner and nearly ran into Stella and Austin, who were deep in conversation about an autopsy report.

"Oh, sorry," she said, still distracted.

Stella took one look at her, took in her huge grin and the flush on her cheeks and knew exactly what had just happened.

"Couldn't keep it away from work, could you?" Stella asked with a smirk.

Lindsay just giggled, her eyes drifting to the floor.

"Wait, what am I missing?" Austin asked, crossing her arms.

"Nothin'," Lindsay answered softly.

"Oh come on, you…"

Realization dawned on her; the pictures on the fridge, the other picture on Lindsay's bedside table that she'd noticed when she had used the bathroom, the fact that Adam was a pretty prominent figure in a lot of stories Lindsay had told her.

"Seriously?"

"Shh."

"Really? Really, really?"

"Yes, really. Stop acting so scandalized."

"Oh, it all makes sense now! I'm not insane. Finally some good news. And now Danny owes me a fifty. I mean, not to belittle this, but Adam has been way too happy lately."

"Yes, and I am taking the credit."

"With such confidence she says this."

"I have work to do. Don't go running your mouth about this, Austin. Not even to Danny."

"Why not!" she screeched, crossing her arms.

"Mostly because I said so. Keep your pants on."

Austin's jaw dropped and she half chuckled.

"Dang, sister's got 'tude."

"Yes, I do," Lindsay said with a little smile before escaping back into the lab. She loved having this secret, but she also liked spilling the beans sometimes too. Of course leaking the truth meant she and Adam were going to have to have another talk about when to tell people. Not that it really mattered as much now as it had at the beginning. They were both in it to stay, neither of them fearing that it would end as suddenly as it had started. It was safe now. Maybe it was time after all.


	15. Chapter 15

"I can't move," Lindsay muttered, burying her face in the couch. "Remind me again why we decided to do all our Christmas shopping in one day."

"Because we are severely lacking in the time and planning department. Not to mention both of us kind of have a thing for chaos," Adam replied, looking over the shopping bags. It had been four hours straight of looking, sighing, complaining that nothing was right, sighing some more, and battling the throngs of people that had decided that they needed to shop too. They were tired, sore, and cranky, and completely tapped out of Christmas cheer and money.

"We had better start wrapping this stuff," he said with a sigh. "And we have to find boxes to send it in too."

"Okay, you be the pragmatic one while I take a nap."

"Not gonna fly Rudolph. If your nieces and nephews wake up on Christmas morning and have no presents from their favorite aunt in all the world, their spirits will be crushed, and they will never again believe in the joy of Christmas."

"Geez, how old were you when you asked Santa for the Weenie whistle?"

He just chuckled and shook his head, standing from the couch and going into the kitchen for scissors and tape.

"Want me to order pizza while I'm up?"

"Extra pepperoni," she hollered, moving down to the floor and sorting through the presents. Seven nephews and one niece did not a cheap Christmas make. She usually got them one big present each, but this year like last, there were shipping costs to consider. In the end she had gotten them all several small presents, which made Christmas day more exciting as there was more to open. The boys all got baseball cards and matchbox cars, rubber darts, and an assortment of candy. That had been enough, but then Adam had spotted the Ninja Turtle action figures. Reluctantly, she had added them to the list while he went on and on about which one was his favorite.

Her niece got some nicer things, mostly because she was often caught up in the scuffle of boys. Nail polish, clip on earrings, play make-up, a carefully wrapped precious moments figurine and a wardrobe of doll clothes. It was hard not to spoil Tessa, and she found herself walking away from a lot of things that she wanted to buy. No matter though. There was always her birthday and Easter and random Tuesdays.

"Man you really did get a lot of stuff today," Adam remarked, sitting down next to her.

"I have five times the amount of people to buy for."

"Yeah… you did get lazy and start getting Amazon gift cards though."

"Lazy and cranky and totally not creative. It will become a family joke and they will call me Amazon woman, but I don't even care."

"That's my girl," he said, sliding his arm around her shoulders and kissing her hair. "Of course, now my pile looks sad and puny."

"No it doesn't. It looks like you really thought about it. Those documentaries you got for your step-dad are perfect, Hannah is going to squeal while she rips stuff open, and your mom is going to read those books over and over and over again."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Besides, it's not really about the present. It's about the fact that you braved mall shoppers for four hours to get them."

"I think you've missed the point."

"Yeah, well I'm hungry. I'll make more sense once I've eaten."

They began to sort the presents into specific piles, making sure nothing crossed over and got shipped to the wrong state. They were quiet as they worked, enough cacophony still ringing in their ears from earlier in the day. It was nice to have slow silence.

"Will you stick that in Hannah's pile?" she asked, handing him a bright cardboard box. He turned it over and saw a large plastic horse, complete with saddle, feeding trough, and grooming tools. He recognized it as an appaloosa, and knew Hannah was going to flip when she saw it.

"Linds, you didn't have to…"

"I know. But I wanted to."

"It's her favorite."

"She told me. See, you're not the only one that files away important information."

He grinned and leaned over to kiss her.

"You're amazing, do you know that?"

"Thank you."

"We should turn on some music if we're going to get this done. What do you think, Jimmy Eat World or Dashboard Confessional?"

"Um… well… how about we listen to the Dashboard songs I know, then switch over to Jimmy?"

"You only know _Vindicated_ and _Hands Down_, Linds. Don't you think it's time to learn more?"

"Nope."

"Well as long as you know what you want."

"I do. You, three square meals a day, and lots of vacation time."

"You got it, babe."

* * *

Christmas came two weeks later, rushing in with another snowfall and lots of wind chill. It seemed that days had all been dark, but it was comforting and cozy, creating excuses to cuddle up on the couch with apple cider or hot chocolate and waste the night away. The cold made them lazy just as the heat of summer made them listless, and it was a nice change from the stresses that a holiday could bring.

Christmas morning found them both at work quite early, when the blue of dawn had just touched the city. It was quiet around the lab, just a few people here and there, getting caught up on reports and other tasks while the heating system set the optimal temperature for comfort. It wasn't actually a bad way to spend the day, and there was enough to keep them busy that neither one of them really minded much.

They found each other at lunch time and took their wrapped presents to the back stairwell where they could have their own Christmas without being interrupted. She'd been thinking about his present since August and had finally found something last month. It wasn't a big deal, but she knew he would love it, and she was desperate to see him open it.

"Okay you go first."

"Ladies first," he countered, shaking his head.

"Ladies choice and I say you first."

He knew he wasn't going to with the argument, so he gave in, carefully tearing the wrapping paper on the slim package.

"Linds…"

"I found it in this hole in the wall shop a while ago. I wasn't even looking for it."

"Linds… this is an original record release of _Enter the Wu-Tang, 36 Chambers_ from 1993."

"And it's signed."

"It is? Do you understand how rare this is?"

"By the look on your face I can guess."

"This is amazing. I have never had anything this cool before."

She smiled, glad the gift had garnered the reaction she was hoping for.

"So you like it?"

"I like it so much I'm afraid to touch it. Thanks Linds."

"You're welcome."

"Your turn now. But I have to preface this by saying that this is just a miniature version of the real thing. I didn't want to bring it all the way down here."

"Okay."

She slid her finger under the flap of wrapping paper, and was certain she was holding a picture frame. Further unwrapping confirmed her suspicions and she turned the frame over, gasping when she saw the picture inside.

It had been taken from her favorite spot on her parents property, the orange glow of the setting sun barely kissing the snow capped mountains. Miles of wheat stretched along the bottom of the picture, the barn just an afterthought in the corner of the frame. There wasn't much to it, but it was her favorite place in the world and it took her breath away.

"Adam… how did you…"

"I called your mom a while ago, after you told me about this spot. I wanted to see if she could get a picture, but she said you had taken some years ago for a photography class and… she found the negatives and I had them restored and enhanced and this is what came out."

"You mean I took this picture?"

"Yeah."

"And you called my mom and did all that…"

"Yeah. It got it printed out on canvas, twenty-four by thirty-six, which sounds huge and looks huge, but I think it will be perfect once we get it on the wall, and-"

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around him, fighting the tears of sentiment that were threatening to fall.

"It's perfect, Adam. Perfect."

"We done good, huh?"

"Oh yeah. It's going to be hard to top this next year."

"Never know, I might buy you a Corvette."

She chuckled as he pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"We should get back," he said finally. "We still on for tonight?"

"Absolutely. It's not really Christmas without a viewing of _A Christmas Story_ is it?"

"Nope."

They stood up from their chairs and he hugged her again, a little tighter this time.

"Thanks for spending Christmas with me, Lindsay."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else."

* * *

Lindsay had been quiet for the better part of the evening, watching the movie, but letting her mind go somewhere else. Adam could tell she wasn't all there, but he had no idea where she had gone. He secured his arm around her and pulled her just a little closer, pressing a kiss to her ear.

"What's the matter?"

She shook her head against the couch and he could feel her retreating into herself. He had to stop it before she went too far, before she backtracked on all the trust they had already established.

"Talk to me, honey. What's going on?"

She sighed and closed her eyes, her fingers playing with his, trying to figure out how to say this.

"I'm going to have to go home soon."

"I know."

"I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can sit there and tell it all again. Not with him watching me. Not looking at his face and knowing… I just don't think I can."

"You can Linds. And you will. Because you have to. He might go away without your testimony. The evidence might speak, the cops might speak, but you are the only one who can tell exactly what happened. You are the only one who can put the jury in that diner. You're the only one, as horrible as it sounds, that can make them feel it. You have to do that, Linds. You have to do it for the girls and for their families and for yourself. It's going to hurt and its going to be hard, but you'll do it. You're not going to lose so much and then let him get away."

She sniffled and he reached up to wipe her tears away.

"What if I'm not strong enough?"

"I know you, Linds. You're strong enough. You wouldn't have been able to get through these last ten years if you weren't."

"I don't want him to break me."

"He won't babe. He won't."

She rolled over in his arms and buried her face in his shirt while he ran his fingers through her hair.

"I wish it was over," she whispered. "Sometimes I wish they had never found him so I wouldn't have to go through it all again. I wish he was just a monster in the shadows and I could pretend he was dead. But now… Adam, he's always going to be there."

"I know he is."

"He's always going to be in my head. He stole my security and I can't get it back."

"I know."

"I know you know. Your father did that to you too. I just don't know how to get over it."

"I don't think you ever really do. I think what happened to you, what happened to me, it's always going to be there. And we're both able to push it away and not let it control us, but for right now, this is at the forefront for you. Once this trial is over, the hurt is going to fade again. You'll be okay honey. You just have to get through this part."

"I know."

He reached down and tipped her chin up, looking her square in the eye.

"I am going to be right here to hold on to you as much as you need."

"Thank you."

As the clock struck twelve and another season of magic slipped gently by, they fell into the quiet, letting tranquility blanket them from the cold of reality, just for tonight.


	16. Chapter 16

Her chest was tight with anxiety and she felt as if she would burst into tears at any second. The knot in her stomach was larger than any she had felt before and her hands were nearly shaking as she sat on the couch. They day had finally come, and she was going home. For the first time since moving here, she didn't want to leave. She wanted to stay in this place, safely surrounded by buildings and people where she could get lost and become anonymous. She wasn't anything to anyone, she didn't have to do anything, no one relied on her. But to go home… she was going to be a spectacle again. She was going to be the one whom whispers trailed behind, again. She was going to be the one that owed everyone her strength, again. And no matter how many times Adam said she was strong enough and he believed in her, she was scared to death that she was going to fail.

She wanted to hide here, wait until it was all over, until she could pretend it never happened. Wrap herself in her new life and be protected from the hurt of what had been. But she wasn't a little girl anymore and this was life and she had to go.

There was a soft knock on her door and she stood from the couch and opened it.

"Hey sweetie."

That was all it took for her to crash. She stepped into his arms and let the tears fall, holding on for dear life, as if he might evaporate before her very eyes.

"Hey, hey," he said, coming inside and closing the door behind them. "It's okay. It's all okay."

"I don't want to go."

"I know you don't."

"I don't want this to hurt so much."

"I know."

"I hate this. I want it to go away."

"I do too baby."

"I'm sorry Adam. I don't want to do this to you."

"Linds, don't apologize. Not for this."

She took a deep breath and wiped her tears away.

"I just… don't… you shouldn't have to deal with it."

"Honey, I'm not dealing with anything. I'm just here for you. And soon it's going to be over. Really, really over. But me? I'll still be right here."

She nodded for lack of anything to say, and he ran his fingers up and down her back.

"Ready to go?"

"Ready as I'm going to get."

"I'll buy you coffee on the way."

She gave him a half grin and he helped her slip into her coat, then picked up her suitcase.

"With lots of whipped cream and caramel and crap all over it?"

"If you really want to get a stomach ache at 30,000 feet."

"I'll risk it."

He took her hand and they walked out to the car, the late winter wind whipping at their faces.

"Everything will be the same when you get back," he said, watching her as she stood staring at her surroundings.

"I know," she said with a nod. "I just might see it differently."

He was quiet for a while as she steeled herself for what was coming.

"Okay. Let's go."

They were quiet all the way to the airport, holding hands on the center console and losing themselves in their own thoughts. It was something they seemed to do a lot, especially lately. It wasn't that they were distancing themselves from each other. In fact, it was quite the opposite. They were both more vulnerable in those moments than either one of them cared to admit, but at least they were vulnerable together, and that made it okay.

It wasn't until they got inside the airport and were standing just outside the security gate that she realized that he wasn't going with her. She had known it of course, but up until this moment she hadn't really thought about it. She was going to be gone for a while, at least two weeks. And she wouldn't see him at all.

Tears fell steadily from her eyes as she looked up at him wishing she could beg him to come with her, wishing there was some way. But there wasn't. He had to stay here and she had to go there and she felt herself crumbling just a little.

"It's going to be okay, Linds," he said, drawing her into his arms. "You just need to breathe."

"I wish you didn't have to stay here."

"I do to. But you've done this for years without me and you can do it again."

"But what if-"

"Lindsay," he said, pulling away and framing her face with his hands. "Look at my eyes. I know you can do this. If I thought even for a second that it might break you, I would be begging them to let you out of it. I want you to hear me right now. You can do this and you will do this because you need to do this. You are never going to be able to heal completely if you don't."

She nodded and took in a deep breath, stilling the tremors that were idling just below the surface.

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too, baby. But I will be right here when you get back. Maybe not this exact spot, but in the specific earthly confines of this airport."

She smirked and he tucked her hair behind her ear before he reached down and grabbed her wrist and extracted a Sharpie from his pocket.

"Adam, are you really giving me a Sharpie tattoo?"

"Yeah," he said, finishing up his artwork on the inside of her wrist. "So you don't forget."

She looked down and saw the words _I Love You_ inked across her skin and she smiled.

"Thank you. I love you too."

"You'd better go get on that plane or you're gonna miss it and then we'll have to do this whole thing again, and I don't think either one of us are up for that."

"Okay."

He stroked her cheek gently before he kissed her.

"I want to see my happy girl again when you get back."

"You will. I promise."

"Call me when you get there."

"Okay."

He peppered her with kisses and spoke nothing of the word goodbye before he wrapped his arms around her one last time. They parted silently and he watched her until she disappeared from sight, holding her demons close until that moment that she could let them go.

* * *

The call came several hours later, when darkness had fallen upon the city and a small dusting of snow gently covered the ground. He was already in bed, but still awake waiting to hear from her. She'd sent him a text when she landed to tell him that she was safe and would call when she got to her parents house.

"Hey," he greeted, knowing his sleepy voice would help to soothe her slightly.

"Hi."

"How you doin'?"

She snickered at his Joey Tribbiani impression and stretched out on her childhood bed.

"Better than I thought I would be. I did a lot of thinking on the plane. Psyching myself up I suppose."

"And it worked?"

"I made dad drive me by the diner on the way home."

"Wow."

"I figured if I could do that, then I could do the rest. And I took a deep breath and I made it. I'm okay."

"Good."

"Not cured of course… but I'm going to be fine."

"I know."

"Yes you do Einstein."

"So other than all that, how's being home?"

She sighed and pulled the blankets up to her shoulders, then rolled over to look out the window.

"It's okay. Cold. Mom made roast for dinner. And apple pie. When it got dark I went for a walk. It's good to be home, even under these circumstances."

"You can always go back another time. Under better circumstances of course."

"You wanna come with me?"

"Definitely."

She yawned and even from most of the country away, he could tell she was rubbing at her eyes and twitching her thumb.

"Go to sleep honey. You're exhausted."

"Yeah."

She didn't mention that she had taken a sleeping pill, mostly because she was too tired to remember that she had, but partly because that might make him worry.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Alright."

"And any time you need me."

"Thanks Adam. I love you."

"I love you too. Sleep good."

The phone clicked off in his ear and he rolled over, missing her more than he thought he would.


	17. Chapter 17

"I choked."

The whisper cut through the night as indelibly as the searing scream of a tortured child, and it sent chills up his spine.

"What happened?"

"I just couldn't do it. I got halfway through and I looked up at him and I couldn't do it. I tried so hard Adam and I just failed. In front of everyone."

She was trying desperately to hold back her tears and keep her composure, and he was certain that she was kicking herself for shedding even one tear at all.

"Lindsay, you did not fail."

"Yes I did. Yes I did, because I couldn't do what I'm supposed to do. I couldn't just say the words. And the looks on their faces, Adam. It was like they were hearing it for the first time and I just can't… I don't… I failed and he's going to walk away."

"Lindsay, is the trial over?"

"What?"

"Is the trial over?"

"They called a recess."

"Then you didn't fail, Linds. You're just going to have to tell the story in two parts."

"I can't do it again."

"Yes you can."

"No I can't! You told me I could and you set me up for failure. You never should have made me believe that I could. Never!"

"Lindsay-"

"Why did you do this to me?"

"I didn't do anything to you, Lindsay! I didn't lie and I didn't set you up for anything. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know," she said, curling around a bed pillow. "I can't even think right now. I can't get my head out of there and I can't breathe and nothing makes sense."

"Linds, do you want me to come out there?"

"No!"

The volume and intensity of her voice scared him and immediately put him on red alert. She was retreating back into that shell of a 16 year old, that girl terrified out of her mind and he wasn't sure if she would be able to come back this time.

"Lindsay," he started softly, hoping his voice would soothe her just a little.

"I don't want you to see me," she said, her voice taking on a tone he had never heard before.

"It's-"

"No. I don't want you here and I don't need you here so don't try to rescue me."

"Lindsay."

"I can't talk to you anymore," she said, a sob falling from her lips. "I have to go."

She hung up despite his protestations, the phone dropping from her hand to the mattress, then bouncing off the bed. Cries tore from her faster than she could catch them and her chest heaved with exertion. She didn't want to fight with him, nor did she have any idea why she had. She knew she'd hurt him with what she said, and she wanted to make it right, but she was too afraid. Afraid of the emotions this trial was stirring up, afraid that if she let it consume her, it would be too much for him and he would leave. Everything was spinning out of control and she couldn't make it stop.

"Lindsay?"

She looked up and found her mother in the doorway, her face etched with a concern Lindsay hadn't seen in ten years.

"Mama."

Anne crossed the room and wrapped her daughter in a hug, rocking back and forth until the tears slowed.

"He's going to leave me," she said finally. "It's too much and he's going to leave."

"He's not going to leave. Honey, Adam loves you. He's not going to let you go just because this is hard."

"He should. Why would anyone want me like this?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. And even if there was, he loves you. He loves you and he's not going to leave."

"This is too much. I can't do it."

"I want you to stop telling yourself that. You and I both know you're perfectly capable. But you're going to have to let yourself do it. You're holding back because you're afraid of hurting, but holding it in is going to hurt worse."

"I want Adam," she hiccuped as a fresh batch of tears fell down her cheeks.

"I know you do. Get your breath back and call him. He needs to hear your voice just as much as you need to hear his. You have to let him inside your head honey, even when it scares you."

"It's hard."

"I know. But unless he's not worth it, I did not raise you to give up on people. And he's worth it, isn't he?"

"Of course he is."

"You need to let him know that too."

"I know."

"It's going to be okay, honey. This time tomorrow, it will all be better. Now, I want you to calm down, go wash your face and call that man back. And let him take care of you, just a little."

Lindsay nodded and Anne pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"I'm downstairs if you want to talk later."

"Thank you."

Lindsay watched her mother walk out of the room, then stood up from the bed and wiped her eyes. She hated admitting that she needed someone. Not because she was wonder woman and not because she was stubborn, but because admitting she needed someone was to admit that these last ten years she had just been faking it. It would mean that she had never been fine. It would mean that the stretches of being okay were just lies.

She crossed the room and opened the bathroom door, splashing her face with cold water, then taking several minutes to look at herself in the mirror. It was the worst she had ever looked, including college finals week when she hadn't slept, the time she had had the flu for four days, and even worse than the time she'd fallen off her horse and gotten a concussion. Her eyes were bloodshot and watery, her lips were chapped from biting them, and her face was so puffy from crying it looked like someone had injected her with enormous amounts of botox.

The cold water helped though, and she took a deep breath, settling her emotions back to a place where she could handle them. She went back out to the bedroom and sat down on the bed, picking the phone up off the floor on the way. She pressed the OK button and the screen lit up and she smiled at the picture of her, Adam, and Hannah with popsicle mustaches. Her thumb danced over the keys for several minutes before she hit the 1 and send, and she closed her eyes, waiting for him to answer.

"Hey."

"I'm sorry," she spoke, even as her voice betrayed her. "I didn't mean that and I do need you and I'm just scared and-"

"Linds. I know that. It's okay."

"My head is such a mess," she said, wiping her new tears away. "I don't know what to do anymore. And I need you. I really need you."

"Say the word and I'm on the first plane."

"I appreciate that, but no. I testify in the morning and as soon as this is all over, which should be fairly soon, I'm coming home. I need you to be waiting for me when I get there. I need to have something good to come home to."

"I'll be here."

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," she said, laying back against the bed to stare at the ceiling.

"You're not a mess, babe. And even if you were, it wouldn't matter to me."

"But it's just so much. And I don't want to burden you with that."

"If the roles were reversed, you'd be doing the same thing I am. You'd be right beside me. Right?"

"Yeah."

"Well there you go."

She smiled and climbed into bed, turning off the bedside lamp but leaving the curtains open for the moonlight.

"Adam, can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Can we just stay on the phone tonight? I don't want to be alone."

"You won't be. I'm right here."


	18. Chapter 18

Later, she would be unable to explain the relief she had felt in the courtroom when the Monster, as her mind had been calling him, was found guilty. She could not fully express how grateful she was that he was going to be behind bars, and that he still had trials in other states for other crimes, which may take years, but would keep him locked up quite possibly for the rest of his life. The only question that remained was why, and she had promised herself that she wasn't going to ask that until life had settled more.

The plane tires skidded on the tarmac and she closed her eyes, glad to be home. It took a long time to deplane, but once every single slow moving person on the planet had successfully retrieved their enormous carry-ons from the not enormous overhead compartments, she was finally headed to baggage claim. Fumbling in her coat pocket, she found her phone and turned it back on, calling Adam once she had a signal again.

"Are you finally home?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"In the midst of a throng of people."

"A thong?"

"No," she giggled. "A throng. Where are you?"

"Baggage claim. Next to the thing that's supposed to have the baggage from your flight, but that will probably change and we'll have to go to the other side of the airport, but at least your bag isn't in Des Moines or something, though it would be easier to find there."

"Aw, Rambling Adam."

"I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"How close are you?"

"I don't have any idea. I'm just following the signs."

"I'd ask you to go faster, but that would reveal to you a level of my patheticness that I don't really want you to see."

"Oh come on, you know I'd love you anyway."

"Go faster."

"I can try, but I am pretty sure every person in the Western Hemisphere and their mother is in front of me and they all seem to want to lollygag today."

"How frustrating."

"You're telling me."

"So how tired are you?"

"Not too bad. Why?"

"I was thinking we could go grab dinner, maybe walk in the park."

"That sounds perfect."

"It's kind of chilly out."

"It was three degrees when I woke up this morning. I am pretty sure it's warmer here."

"Yeah, it's about forty today."

"Balmy."

He chuckled as she turned the corner and found herself in baggage claim. She'd never really wished to be taller, except right now.

"Where are you?"

"Lurking in the shadows, being a creeper."

"Oh so that's why you wanted to go for a walk in the park."

"At least I warned you beforehand."

"Yeah, that'll hold up in court. You know, you really should have worn a neon sign because I can't see you."

"I see you."

"New level of creepy."

"Practice makes perfect. I love that you're wearing flannel."

"Okay, seriously, where are you?"

"Right here."

"Right where?"

"Did you forget what I look like or are you hoping for someone hotter?"

She giggled.

"Alright, a little more to your left."

She turned as he directed.

"Now walk about ten steps forward…"

"You really are back in the shadows," she said once she spotted him.

"I like to stay out of the limelight."

"The lights in here are fluorescent."

"Linds, hang up."

She clicked the phone off and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly and holding on as if she never wanted to be apart from him again.

"Oh babe, I missed you," he said, pressing a kiss to her hair and breathing her in.

"I missed you too."

His hands moved up to frame her face and they moved apart slightly, their eyes locking in a way they never had before. He saw a light emanating from her, the one he had been longing for her to have back. He dipped his head down slightly, nuzzling her nose with his, an action that he knew made her smile. He got his wish as a grin cracked across her face and her eyes crinkled from the force of it.

"There she is."

His lips grazed across her forehead and as much as she welcomed and enjoyed the affection, she sighed anyway.

"What?"

"Would you just kiss me already?"

He obliged, their lips meeting slowly at first, relearning how they fit together. If their first kiss had been full of hope and promise, this one was full of joy and passion. There had not been actual wondering if this was right for months, but this kiss allowed them to communicate that to each other. They were both in it for good.

Her hand slid up to the back of his neck and urged him closer while he wrapped an arm around her waist. Their chests pressed together and tears of happiness pricked at the backs of her eyes. She needed oxygen, but she wasn't breaking this kiss until her lungs burned.

They finally parted, panting slightly, their eyes shining.

"Apparently being apart isn't so healthy for us."

"I suppose not."

"Let's get your stuff and get out of here."

"So demanding. I like that in a man."

"Well then woman, we're going to go get dinner and go for a walk and there's nothing you can do about it."

"Oh Rhett..."

He chuckled and took her hand, completely overjoyed to have her happy and have her home.

* * *

"Nope."

"C'mon Linds."

"No way."

"Please? Just a little."

"Uh-uh."

He sighed as she shook her head, a smirk on her face.

"You're a mean woman."

"I know."

"Okay, now try another hat on. Be a nice woman."

"I'm not doing the voice."

"Just one 'Screw you guys I'm going home.' That's all I'm asking here."

She giggled as their hands swung between them.

"You really did miss me, didn't you?"

"Yeah," he answered, giving her the most pathetic face he could muster. She sighed and cleared her throat, trying to conjure up the Cartman voice he thought was so funny.

"Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck!"

"Thank you."

"I am never watching South Park again," she said, as her voice returned to normal.

"Yeah you will and you'll laugh when they kill Kenny, just like always."

"Probably."

"Puddle, watch out."

"Adam, it's just a puddle. Of water."

"And other stuff, you don't know! The things that wash off the street and get tracked on people's shoes, not to mention the people that could have peed in this puddle."

"Who pees in a puddle?"

"Junior High boys."

She arched an eyebrow at him, then looked down at the small puddle.

"I am not letting you walk through this, Lindsay. No way. Chivalry is alive and well and you shouldn't even be looking at this puddle. Yes, it is my duty to get you safely from point A to point B and in order to do that, I now have to save your shoes and the bottom of your jeans from coming into contact with what may or may not be prepubescent male urine."

"You sound like the narrator on the duck and cover videos."

"That's what I was going for!"

She giggled and rolled her eyes, but didn't protest when he motioned for her to hop on his back.

"Know what?"

"What?"

"I'm really happy. For real, not just for now."

"I've been waiting a long time to hear you say that."

She smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too. Please don't leave town for a really long time, okay?"

"I'll do my best."

They made their way back to her apartment, both getting cold as night fell darker and darker around them. Her feet were placed back on the ground and he took her upstairs where they had stashed her suitcase before going to dinner. They stood at the door, rocking back and forth on their heels, neither wanting the night to end.

"Can we go in and lay on the couch and get lost in a world of reruns and bad acting and sit-coms with recurring actors playing different parts?"

"You wanna watch TBS?"

She smiled.

"Just an hour?"

"I have to work at six, but can I take a raincheck?"

"Yeah I guess."

He tipped her chin up and looked at her eyes.

"Are you going to be okay tonight?"

"I think so. I'll just call you if I'm not."

He smiled and traced over her lips with his thumb.

"I love you, Linds."

"I love you too. Goodnight."

They shared a short kiss and he left, standing outside her building and waiting for her lights to turn off before got into his car and drove away. Having her here made everything feel more like home. He never wanted her to go away again.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: I wrote almost this entire thing while sitting in a coffee shop. I had to stifle my laughter a lot, because giggling at things you wrote is not acceptable in a quiet public place. And there was a kid in here and he was wearing a cape, which made the whole thing even better. Amazing day off. Except for the part where it's almost four in the afternoon and I haven't eaten yet.

* * *

Lindsay sighed and brushed her hair back from her forehead, wondering how she had gotten herself into this mess. No, not mess. Disgusting dirty frat house parade of all things sticky and gross.

"Adam, I love you dearly, but if your kitchen counter is this bad, I am terrified of what might be underneath your sink."

"Not everyone can be a neat freak like you."

"I'm not a neat freak, I just don't let every flat surface in my apartment get cluttered with… whatever this is."

"But I'm a guy," he said, crossing the kitchen and coming to stand behind her, his arms sliding around her waist. "And maybe I just need a woman's calming and feminine touch to bring this place up to the higher standard."

"Adam… are you buttering me up so you can get out of here while I am left to clean your apartment?"

"Not out of here. Sportscenter is on and-"

"No way."

"It's just an hour."

"No, you said you wanted to get this place cleaned up and out of the kindness of my heart I said I would help you."

"Mm-hmm."

"Now kindly let go of me and go tackle that bathroom."

"I don't know, I kind of like it right here."

She sighed and turned around, pressing her hand gently against his chest.

"I'm flattered and I would really rather watch Sportscenter too, but you know I can't stop something mid project."

"I love you and your one track mind," he said with a chuckle as he kissed her. "You make me better, you know that?"

"I do what I can. Get to work and I'll make you dinner later."

He nodded and went into the other room while she continued to organize the mail on his counter. Maybe spring cleaning wasn't the most enjoyable way to spend a day, but they had found that it wasn't so much the activity as the time together that really made a difference. They enjoyed being together even if it wasn't entertaining, just because it was them. They still learned about each other, still walked away feeling even closer than they had before. There was a connection there, one neither one of them had ever experienced with any other person, no matter how hard they had tried. This just came naturally.

"Hey hon?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you find is the best way to kill shower curtain mold?"

"Throw out the shower curtain and get a new one."

There was a long silence, then his voice again.

"And what do you find is the best way to get the shower curtain off the rod?"

She chuckled and went into the bathroom, leaning against the doorjamb.

"Top of your class, using cutting edge technology to solve baffling crimes and you still can't figure out how to pull metal rings apart."

"I know how to pull them apart, I just can't. They're caked with rust or something."

Chuckling, she climbed up onto the side of the tub, bracing herself against the wall to see if she could get the rings apart. They were stuck tight and she was sure they were going to need heavy duty cleaners to pry them apart.

"How did these even get water all over them?"

"The steam because I never run the fan? I don't know. I think we'd be better off with some bolt cutters."

"Do you have any?"

"No," he said with a grunt, finally pulling one of the rings apart. The force of it made him lose his balance and he fell against the tile wall, then down into the tub. Lindsay just stood there for a second, then slowly covered her mouth to mask the laughter.

"This isn't funny," he muttered, reaching up to touch the spot on his head that had come into hard contact with the faucet.

"No, it's not funny. Bordering on hilarious."

She climbed down from her perch and knelt next to him, checking out the cut that had started to bleed.

"How many fingers?"

"Two fingers and one thumb."

"Smart alec."

He sat up slowly and she watched him for signs of dizziness. He seemed to be fine, except for the wounded pride.

"Go lay on the couch and I'll fix that cut for you."

He managed to get himself out of the tub and she noticed that he already had a nice lump forming on the back of his head. He hadn't hit hard enough to get a concussion, but she was sure a headache was on its way. She found some band-aids and bactine and went out to the living room. He was stretched out along the couch, but had turned on Sportscenter.

"Adam."

"What? I'm injured."

She shook her head and smiled, sitting down on the couch to assess the damage. The cut was just above his eye and pretty small, but bleeding a lot. She cleaned it with a wash cloth before administering the bactine.

"Holy mother!"

"Sorry."

"You gotta tell me before you do that."

"Why? So you can pull away and not allow me to do it at all and then get an infection because who knows what kind of crap is growing in your shower and now your head? And then I'll have to take you to the hospital and by some fluke the infection will have gone to your brain and before I know it you're either reading my mind or having trouble remembering who you are and either way, I don't think I can handle that."

"Okay, about your caffeine addiction? I'm checking you into rehab."

She smirked and opened the band-aid wrapper.

"Do you really have to put that on me?"

"Just until it stops bleeding."

"I'm going to look stupid."

"I'm the only one looking at you."

"You won't think less of me?"

"Adam, it's a band-aid, not your mother's lipstick on your cheek while you get on the school bus."

"Okay, okay."

She put the band-aid on then kissed the spot for good measure before standing up from the couch and holding her hand out to him.

"Alright weekend warrior, let's get back to work."

"Isn't it time for a break?"

"Adam-"

He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back down onto the couch. She landed against his chest with an _oomph_ and he chuckled, tightening his grip on her.

"You are in big trouble, mister," she scolded. "Really big trouble."

She leaned up and kissed him, running her fingers over his scalp. He hadn't been expecting this when he pulled her down, but he wasn't going to fight it either. Their lips moved in practiced harmony, many motions of a dance that they were still learning. She deepened the kiss, moving closer to him while her free hand played with the hem of his shirt. Signals went off in his head and he wondered where exactly she was taking this. He was thinking about asking her when she suddenly jumped off the couch with a triumphant grin.

"May the punishment fit the crime," she said before heading back into the kitchen.

"Evil woman."

"Lazy man."

Chuckling, he stood up and followed her.

"You may have won that battle little lady," he paused dramatically and put on the best ominous voice he could muster. "But don't start packing up your artillery just yet."

"I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

Several hours and lots of playful bickering later the place was finally clean. Of course there was still a lot of laundry to do, but they were both too tired to think about doing anything else. They were stretched out along the couch, a tangle of bodies and limbs with no rhyme or reason. His hand ran through her hair, loosening her curls. She'd protested at first, saying he was going to mess it up, but later figuring it didn't really matter.

"Your phone is buzzing," he commented. Her eyes slid slowly to the coffee table and rested on her phone.

"Mmm," she whined, making a pathetic attempt to reach for it. Adam rolled his eyes and handed it to her.

"H'llo?"

"Hey, it's Austin. What're you doin'?"

"Half sleeping. What are you doing?"

"Trying unsuccessfully to convince Danny that we need milkshakes. If he keeps being stubborn do you wanna go get one with me?"

"Maybe."

"You sound tired. It's only 8 o'clock, are you a lightweight Linds?"

"No, I've just been up since four 'cuz I had the early shift. You can ask that boyfriend of yours all about that crime scene this morning and how he kept makin' me go up and down the stairs. I'm pretty sure I logged about two miles. He's a jerk."

"Danny, were you mean to Lindsay?"

There was a muffled reply.

"What did he say?"

"No matter, I hit him with a newspaper. So you wanna go?"

"I dunno."

Austin sighed.

"Please?"

"Lemme ask Adam."

"If you're askin' him for permission Linds, I'm gonna smack ya both."

"I'm asking if he wants me to bring him something back. Unbundle your undies."

"You're cranky. Carry on."

Lindsay yawned and looked up at Adam.

"Hey honey, you want a milkshake?"

"Yeah, and fries."

"But the fries will be cold once I get them back here."

"They'll be cold once I dip them in the milkshake too."

"Aust, I think he's coming with us."

"I mentioned a cheeseburger to Danny so he's coming too."

"We're double dating."

"I don't know D.J., do you think he really likes me?"

"Yeah! This is gonna be rad."

"And by the way, you've been back from Montana for a week and I still haven't seen you, so there very well could be a tackle hug coming your way."

"I'll brace myself and pray the floor isn't slippery like last time."

"It's a plan. Restaurant on that one corner?"

"Twenty minutes."

They hung up and Lindsay rolled off the couch, yawning again and pushing her hair into a more presentable style.

"Come on, liquid chocolate calls."

"You and Austin are a dangerous pair."

"We know."

"Never woulda pegged you two as friends. At least not the kind that speak in shorthand."

"I'm just glad we're both too lazy to have other friends."

* * *

"So we're standin' there on the dock in the middle of January and I get this bright idea to trick Flack into jumpin' in the lake."

"Why have I not heard this story?" Austin asked, smacking Danny's arm.

"Quit interrupting me. So we start talking about how cold the lake is and stuff and I was like "Hey, one of us should jump in." And all the guys are like "No way not me." And I was like "Flack won't do it, he's a pansy.""

"You shouldn'ta said that," Austin giggled.

"Exactly why I said it. So he gets all ticked off and he's like "Screw you guys, I'm not a pansy! I'm going in!" And he jumps off the dock into the lake which I have to add here, had a thin layer of ice on the top. He crashes though the ice and starts flailin' all over the place, suddenly remembering that he is a terrible swimmer and has no body fat and he's pretty much going to die of hypothermia if someone doesn't get him out. So he starts swearing at us to get him out, how he's gonna sue me for reckless endangerment or something. We finally get him out and he's pretty much turned blue, and that is how we ended up in the emergency room in the middle of the night."

Austin was laughing so hard she had her head down on the table and Lindsay had laughter tears in her eyes.

"Geez, and I thought I was a stupid kid," Adam noted, shaking his head.

"You can still get that guy to do anything if you call him a pansy," Danny said. "It's his one weakness. That and hot blondes, but mostly the pansy thing."

"I just have one question," Lindsay started, getting her breath back. "Was he naked?"

This sent Austin into another fit of giggles which threatened to topple her completely out of her chair.

"No he wasn't, but that woulda made the story better."

"When did this happen?" Austin asked, regaining her composure.

"Senior year. I was still mad at him for datin' you under my nose."

Silence fell over the table.

"Wait. You dated Flack?"

"Well…"

"Austin, you dated FLACK!"

"I was young and I'd just been dumped again by this one over here and apparently my life was over and… Lindsay quit laughing!"

"I'm not laughing at you, really. Some things just make way more sense now."

"Knock it off! You've dated way worse guys than Flack. You've told me stories."

"If you're referring to Brian, then yes, I have. But this is still funnier."

"Shuddup, Monroe."

"Linds, who's Brian?" Adam asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Uh… nobody."

"Lindsay…"

"I'll tell you later."

"I'll tell him now."

"No you won't."

"I have a feeling I'm not going to like this story."

"Oh no, you'll like it. I'm just not inclined to tell the story in front of Danny because he'll bring it up at the worst time," Lindsay explained, narrowing her eyes at her friend.

"Hey, what good am I if I don't spend my life trying to throw you off balance?"

"No one ever said you were good for that either, Danny."

"Zing."

Austin shook her head and stole a fry off of Danny's plate.

"I wanna hear more stories about Flack," she said, grimacing at the plain fry, then dumping salt and pepper on the rest of them.

"Geez get your own," Danny said, moving her hand away.

"What's yours is mine babe."

"Careful how you use that Graceless."

She rolled her eyes and shoved a fry in his mouth.

"Hey Linds, thanks for not abusing me," Adam muttered. Austin kicked him under the table and he grimaced. Lindsay chuckled and yawned, leaning back against the booth.

"And she's hit the wall," Austin said, tossing a straw wrapper at her. "Wake up!"

"Don't throw trash at me," Lindsay said, tossing the wrapper back. Austin batted it away and it fell to the floor where they both stared at it.

"And that is why they asked us to leave that coffee shop that time," Lindsay remarked with a grin.

"We coulda stayed if Stella hadn'ta been so loud telling us to be quiet."

"Yewp," Lindsay agreed with a nod.

"Yewp," Austin repeated, thoroughly confusing the guys who just stared at them.

"They got kicked out of a coffee shop and have their own language," Adam said, looking over at Danny.

"I have a feeling we're gonna have to bail them outta jail one day."

"Talk about an expensive date."

"Hey, quit talkin' about us, we're right here," Lindsay said, pinching Adam's arm.

"Okay, that abuse thing I said before? I take it back."

Lindsay giggled and patted his arm over the spot she had just pinched.

"You've been through a lot of pain today. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well you should be," he muttered, fake pouting.

"I was wondering about that cut on your head," Danny said. "I was thinkin' maybe Lindsay smacked ya for beating her at Mario Kart."

"No, I fell into the bathtub."

"I'm not even gonna ask for clarification on that one."

"And just for the record he could never beat me at Mario Kart," Lindsay said.

"Well, I could, but I would have to stop letting you win."

"You do not let me win!"

"How do you think I come in second every single time?"

"Because you suck just slightly more than I do."

"You just keep telling yourself that, okay?"

"You can't beat me, Adam. It's nigh impossible."

"Betcha twenty bucks."

"Deal."

They shook on it and Austin chuckled.

"You guys have a strange relationship."

"Meh, we like it. At least we don't say "Screw you" in place of "I love you.""

"Hey, I can't let him start takin' me for granted you know. I tell him I love him and it's all over and then I'm stuck taking out the trash and junk like that."

"At least you've figured out how to work the system. That's half that battle."

"Well said, Sister Suffragette."

"You two scare me," Danny commented.

"Mission accomplished."

They high-fived over the table and Adam rolled his eyes.

"Wow."

* * *

They stayed at the restaurant until it closed, then wandered the dark streets, laughing like high schoolers on summer break. It was still too cold outside to be out there for long, but none of them really cared much.

"Ooh, shoes!" Lindsay said, dropping Adam's hand and walking over to the store window.

"Yes! Shoes!" Austin exclaimed, joining her.

"Aust, you're not girly enough to squeal over shoes."

"But those ones are bright green and I want them. I would never wear them but I want them anyway."

"Make Danny buy them for you."

"I bet they're expensive. I'd have to wear them everyday until I died to justify the expense. And I can't walk in heels anyway."

"You look so sad."

"Guess you're going to have to get the shoes so I can live vicariously through you."

"We could buy them together and then share."

"Every other weekend kinda thing?"

"Sure, why not."

They chuckled together and moved away from the window to follow the guys who had continued down the street and were looking at something else in a store window half a block down.

"So Linds can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Are you doing okay?"

She didn't have to clarify for Lindsay to know exactly what she was talking about.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I think about it more than I thought I would, but it's better than being scared to go to sleep at night."

"I was worried about you," she said. "That one time you called me you sounded terrible."

"I know. I really am okay now, I promise."

"Good. I missed you. There's way too much testosterone around sometimes."

"I think we need to ditch the boys sometime. Let them watch ESPN and eat junk and scratch and we'll go do something without them."

"Excellent. Of course we're going to have to convince them that they can live without us for a day."

"Or convince them that we're not as insane as we seem."

"Yewp."

Lindsay grinned as they made their way down the street to the guys. Life was finally realigning again and with each step, she felt steadier. Moving on had always been a struggle, but now she had much better things to move on to.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: Rewrite of Snow Day.

* * *

Lindsay's feet pounded on the tile floor as she rounded the corner, and in the back of her mind she was aware of the wet floor sign. The call had come in the middle of her day off and she wasn't ready to go out in public yet, despite it being almost five in the afternoon. Her hair was a mess and she didn't have her make-up on yet, but all that was so far from her realm of necessary thought that it didn't even matter. She wasn't sure where she was going. Emergency room, regular care, ICU… she had no idea and Austin wasn't answering her phone so she was at a loss as to where to go.

She finally found the admit desk and was just about to demand some information when Flack came around the corner.

"What happened?" she demanded, wanting to grab his shirt and shake the information right out of him.

"Linds calm down."

"I am calm, I am just lacking in the information department here. Now what happened?"

"Yeah, what happened?" Austin asked, joining them. Her face was flushed and she looked like she was on the verge of tears. "All I got was hospital, and get down here and that's not very encouraging."

"And I got that second hand, so excuse the freaking out here, but seriously Flack, what happened?"

"Ladies, settle down."

"You're not giving me a reason to Donald Flack, and I'm going have your face in a vise if you don't give me some answers fast."

"They're fine!" he said finally, getting fed up with the badgering. "They're both on pain killers and have stitches and bruises and Danny has a few broken fingers, but they're both fine. The worst part is that they have to share a hospital room for the night. But I promise you, they're okay."

Austin and Lindsay both breathed sighs of relief.

"They're fine, but what happened?"

"It was just a bad crime scene, there were drugs involved. I'll tell you about it later, but I am assuming that right now you would rather see them than hear my narrative. Let's go."

They followed him down the hallway and into a corner room, where Danny and Adam sat in their beds, both looking like they had met the business end of several large fists. Danny was worse looking, and Lindsay was pretty sure it was because he had fought back, but both guys seemed pretty happy with their lime Jell-o.

Lindsay crossed the room to Adam, perching on the side of the bed and taking his hand.

"Hey honey. You okay?"

"Yeah. Whatever in this IV is really nice."

She chuckled and brushed back the sneaky tear that was falling from her eye.

"Scared me," she admitted, brushing his hair away from his forehead.

"Aw, I'm not goin' anywhere."

His promise hung in the air, almost as a mockery to her knowledge that anything could happen at any time. He caught her discomfort and gave her hand a squeeze.

"I'm here hon and I'm okay."

She nodded and dropped her forehead to his, breathing deeply. From the second she'd gotten Austin's frantic phone call she'd had horrible images running through her head, and she just needed to sit here a minute more to make them go away. It was like she'd been underwater too long and was struggling to come up for air.

"Don't ever scare me like that again."

"You wanna stick me in a box with some packing peanuts and be done with the whole thing?"

She smirked.

"I'm not ready to joke about it yet. Give it a few weeks, okay?"

"Alright."

She leaned over and grabbed his chart from the end of the bed, scanning over it quickly.

"Hey, invasion of privacy!"

"Oh hush. I'm just checking to see if you're okay underneath all the painkillers."

"Linds," he said, squeezing her hand. "S'alright."

Her finger traced over the bruises on his face and she shuddered, shooing away the images that were trying to break through.

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm okay. You're the one that looks in need of a drink."

"Oh come on, I'm not that bad."

"Your hands are shaking."

"You gonna make fun of me for loving you?"

"Maybe a little," he said, reaching up to spin one of her loose curls around his finger.

"When are they going to let me take you home?"

"Not sure. The doctor said something about tomorrow afternoon."

"Okay."

They sat quietly for a long time, not saying a lot. She needed the connection more than he did at this point and she was just getting to the point of calm when the doctor came into the room and announced that visiting hours were over.

It took Lindsay and Austin both several minutes to extract themselves from the room and when they finally did, it was only to lean against the wall outside and sigh.

"You okay?" Lindsay asked, looking over at her friend.

"I'll survive."

"Not what I asked."

Austin sighed and pushed herself off the wall, walking slowly towards the waiting room.

"No, I'm not," she answered finally.

Lindsay joined her in the corner of the room, falling into one of the crudely upholstered chairs that served no real purpose but to collect dust. She pulled her legs up underneath her and looked over at Austin who was biting her lip and picking at her nails.

"Danny's not supposed to get hurt," she said finally. "He's always been there and he's always supposed to be there."

"I know."

"I don't want to leave him here alone."

"Adam will be with him."

"I know. And that's better, but I just…"

Her voice dropped off and she stared at the floor, her expression almost blank. No words passed between them for several minutes, and the silence was finally broken by Austin's gentle voice.

"I know what it's like to wake up alone and be scared and in pain and not have any idea what's coming next. You struggle to remember how you got to this point specifically, and then you wonder how your whole life got to this point. You need something real to hold onto but you only have yourself. And you're just totally alone."

Lindsay didn't say a word, for she herself knew that feeling too. She was pretty sure there was more to what Austin was saying, evidenced by her second person story telling. But if Lindsay knew anything about her friend, it was that pushing was not going to get her anywhere. So she waited.

"By the time I met Danny, I was too young to have ever really felt alone. And then he came along and no matter what crap happened, he was always there. Right beside me, ready to hold my hand or smack my brother or whatever I needed. Even when I didn't tell him what happened, he was there. And there was a lot I kept from him, a lot he figured out because he was there. And then one day he wasn't. And I really needed him. Don't get me wrong, he didn't leave me, but his family went on vacation and he wasn't there to be with me when my father broke my wrist and sent me to the hospital. I was there alone all night. That was worse than the yelling and the hitting."

Lindsay was quiet for a long time, her mind forming half sentences, none of which would have helped or hurt or accomplished anything but placing a platitude band-aid over deep wound.

"That… explains a lot," she said finally.

Austin looked up at her, eyes wide and tired but nearly tearless.

"Thank you for not saying you're sorry."

"I know it's not the same thing, but I know from experience that I'm sorry doesn't make the pain go away."

"Yeah."

"And I could tell you a thousand times that he's okay, but you're still going to be thinking about that feeling and you're still going to be worried that he's feeling it too."

"Get outta my head."

Lindsay gave her a half smile.

"It's okay you know."

"What is?"

"Being scared. I saw the way you walked into that room. Or rather the way you stood in the doorway watching him to make sure he was actually there before you let yourself go to him."

"Linds…"

"I'm being serious here. Being scared is okay because at least you're feeling something."

"I suppose being numb isn't exactly a proactive solution to a problem, is it?"

"No. Austin, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Surviving isn't enough."

The words came out a lot more bluntly than she had planned and she took a deep breath, hoping they hadn't carried a sting with them.

"I mean, there's a nobility in surviving, but if you're just surviving, then you're burying it all under the rug. You're letting it dictate how you feel about everything. You survive, but you don't beat it. And maybe I'm not the one to tell you this because I'm still just learning it myself, and I know you've been dealing with pain for a lot longer, but I don't want you to be content with mere survival. You deserve more than that."

Austin reached up and pushed away the tear that had fallen from her eye when she wasn't paying attention.

"I guess I'm still learning that too. That surviving doesn't mean holding on to that anger. I guess maybe seeing him in that bed… I guess it made me realize that I need to let go of it. That I need to grow up."

"Scary."

"Really scary," she said on a sigh. "So what do we do now?"

"All I know is I'm not going to sleep tonight."

"Ditto. Probably not tomorrow night either."

"How keen are you on staying in this waiting room all night?"

Austin sighed and looked down the hall towards the room the guys were in.

"Danny'd be ticked if he knew I stayed here all night."

"Wanna come over? I have popcorn."

"Sure."

* * *

Midnight found them in Lindsay's front room, sprawled on the hide-a-bed, watching old episodes of _ER_ and gorging on popcorn. They'd traded the tears for giggles, the heavy conversation for silly girl talk. The backs of their minds were still in that hospital room, but for the most part, they were okay.

"Hey Aust?"

"Hmm?"

"Doug and Carol or Mark and Susan?"

"You can't ask me a question like that! That's like asking if you want to be smart or beautiful. Unless you pick both you're gonna be screwed."

"You can't pick both, Sophie," Lindsay sing-songed.

"What are you gonna do if I do?"

"Chuck popcorn at your face."

"Well, Mark and Susan had that whole unrequited, angst ridden best friend first kiss as a last kiss thing going for them. But then Doug and Carol had that long drawn out dramatic I hate you then I love you having babies and breaking up and finally being together. Of course Mark and Susan had that stupid look before he died. But then again, Doug broke Carol's heart. I can't choose. You?"

"I was planning on you being my tie-breaker. I have no one else to debate this with."

"Adam's not an _ER_ fan?"

"He's too attention deficit to sit through an hour TV show."

"Poor guy."

"Yeah, I've learned not to force things on him. I tried to get him to watch _Runaway Bride_ and we got through the first ten minutes before he started making Run Forrest Run jokes and I had to turn it off."

"Not a chick flick guy, is he?"

"He tries. He really does. I figure I can do without them."

"You know, I kinda feel bad for Adam."

"How come?"

Austin grinned.

"Cuz he has to share a hospital room with Danny. And Danny snores."

Lindsay giggled.

"Adam sucks his teeth in his sleep."

"I have never heard of such a thing before."

"He claims he only does it when he naps. The first time, it scared the crap out of me. It was one of those perfect Sunday afternoon couch naps, and I was in that half awake half dreaming state and totally relaxed and then I heard this disgusting sucking sound right by my ear."

"Ugh, I'm getting shivers just thinking about it."

"It's not pleasant. If we ever get married, I'm pretty sure a Lucy and Ricky Ricardo situation will suit us just fine."

"Yeah, I'm sure he'll be good with that."

They fell into another silence and Austin swirled the unpopped popcorn kernels around in the bowl absentmindedly.

"Hey Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks… for all that… before…"

Lindsay just nodded.

"Don't mention it. I needed it too."

"You do realize though that since I have told you stuff that I don't normally tell people, we have to be friends for good?"

"I think I'm okay with that."

"I'd act out some kind of secret handshake if I wasn't so tired."

"Yeah, I'll just catch you later."

* * *

"Honey, I'll make you some Jell-o when we get home."

"But it's really good."

"I know you think that now, but you're still on painkillers. I bet even liver and onions would be really good."

Adam sighed and looked across the room.

"Linds, Austin's smuggling Jell-o out for Danny! C'mon."

"That's because she's too lazy to make it in the first place."

"Can it, hillbilly," Austin said, chucking a small packet of tissues at her.

"I'm not a hillbilly. I still got all my teeth."

They looked at each other and chuckled, then continued to pack up all the things the guys had accumulated during one night in the hospital.

"Are they gonna make us wheelchair it out of here?" Danny asked, picking at the tape that held his broken fingers together.

"I doubt it. You two would probably race them down the hallway," Lindsay answered, watching Adam out of the corner of her eye as he stood up. He was a little wobbly, but regained his balance after a second, and looked no worse for the wear. Of course there were the bruises and cuts on his face, but she could overlook that. He looked strong and that's all that mattered.

It took a long time, but they finally left the hospital, Austin and Danny catching a cab while Lindsay loaded Adam up into her car. His last dose of painkillers was wearing off, but he didn't seem to be too uncomfortable. He dozed in the seat as she drove and she kept a one-eyed vigil for most of the trip. She felt completely overloaded with so many different things that she wasn't even sure where to begin sorting them out. Relief and happiness were the most accessible at the moment, so she went with those.

"Adam, we're here."

He opened his eyes and gave her a smile.

"You gonna carry me?"

"Not even."

He chuckled and they got out of the car, making their way slowly inside. She opened the door and they were greeted by the cats, who purred and rubbed up against Adam's legs. He crouched down to pet them and Lindsay closed the door.

"Think they're happy to see me because they love me or because I feed them?"

Lindsay didn't answer and Adam turned to look at her. She had her back to him, her head down and one hand on the doorknob. He stood up and walked towards her placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Linds?"

She turned around and walked into his arms, taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly. He ran his fingers through her hair, calming her until she could speak.

"I could have lost you," she whispered finally. There was no catch in her voice, no hesitation, just a laying out of facts as they were. "You never would have known."

"Known what?"

She pulled away from him slightly and locked her eyes with his, keeping him frozen where he stood.

"That I love you. That I'm always going to love you. And that I don't want anything for the rest of my life but you."

He was lost for words, his heart constricting with the plain and enrapturing love she had placed before him. He didn't ask for it or earn it. It was just there for the taking. It still startled him every time he saw it, and he still wondered how he could have gotten so lucky.

He covered her lips with his and felt something shift between them. It wasn't like they didn't know already, like neither one of them had entertained the idea of forever. It was just that suddenly it all became clear, it all became right, it all fell into intricate place, chiseled in stone and cemented in finality. This was it.

He wanted desperately to find words as beautiful and perfect as the ones she had used, but he felt as if he was a clunky talker, unable to put his heart into words. He hesitated a long time, using the kiss to gather his thoughts and string them together.

"I love you more than I even understand," he said finally, his forehead resting against hers. "You're a whole world that I didn't even know I needed. You make me stand on my own two feet and you're there when I fall. You're everything to me, and even when I think it's impossible, I love you more."

They stood that way for a long time, still and silent, breathing in tandem. It was a simple step in the direction of becoming one, a memory that would stand out to them until their last moments.

His hand ran up and down her back and he dipped his head down to kiss her again.

"Are you alright?" she asked once they had pulled apart. "Do you need to sit down?"

"I think I need another pill and a nap."

"Go lay down and I'll find your meds."

He went into the bedroom and sat down on the bed, the mattress sagging slightly under his weight. He had a terrible headache and his muscles were sore, but he felt better than he had in a long time.

Lindsay came into the room and handed him a pill and a glass of water, then moved to the window to close the blinds.

"When do you have to work?"

"I don't know. The lab is a mess and no one is really sure when we're going to be up and running again. Stella's going to call later and let me know what's going on."

"Then that means you have time to take a nap with me?"

She smiled and nodded and they laid down together, adjusting their positions a few times until they were both comfortable. Her head rested on his chest, her ear over his heart. Her left hand snaked under his t-shirt and splayed over his stomach while his right thumb gently stroked over her hip.

"Is this okay? Am I hurting you?" she asked, lifting her head up to look at him.

"No, it's perfect. Go to sleep baby. You need it just as much as I do."

She stretched up and kissed him again, then settled back down with a long sigh. She'd feel the effects of the last day soon, she'd cry and be scared and have a delayed reaction. But for now he was here and he was whole. They both were.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Just a little filler chapter. Oh yeah baby…

* * *

Lindsay's cell phone chirped and she rearranged the files in her arms in order to answer it. It was late and she was almost ready to go home, but there were a few things that still demanded her attention. The weather had started to turn again, a steady warmth with an undertone of crispness that seemed to settle a calm over the world.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me."

She smiled at his voice and dropped the stack of files onto the table. Adam had left for a long weekend with his family in Phoenix this afternoon and she already missed him.

"How was your flight?"

"Let's just put it this way. I am not a fan of recirculated air."

She grinned and sat down at the table, figuring she could put off her paperwork for a few minutes.

"Are you still at work?"

"Oh yeah. I'll go home in an hour or so."

"Hold on just a second."

She heard him place his hand over the receiver and a moment later he came back on.

"Hannah wants to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Lindsay, guess what!"

"What?"

"Daddy says that this summer I get to have horse-back riding lessons! And he said that if I like it I can keep going all the time and maybe someday I could have my very own horse!"

"Really?"

"Yes! That's even better than having my own car, huh?"

"I think so. You make sure your mom or dad takes some pictures of those lessons okay?"

"Okay. I think I will look really good up on a horse, huh?"

"I bet so. Do you have a cowboy hat?"

"Just play ones."

"Well I've got a lot of them and if I find an old one that would fit you, I'll send it your way. But you have to stick with those lessons. Deal?"

"Deal. Brudder wants to talk to you again."

"Alright. Bye Hannah."

There was another silence before Adam came back.

"She's been talking about those lessons since I got here. I think she might be excited."

"It's possible. How hot is it there?"

"Scorching. It's too hot to swim."

"You're going to come back all tan and junk aren't you?"

"Yeah. Jealous?"

"Maybe a little. But I suppose if I get to look at you it'll be okay."

He chuckled and took a sip of the iced tea that sat next to him.

"Do you work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, early. Court in the afternoon. I'm going to take Stella out to lunch. Something's going on with her. She's been quiet lately."

"I've noticed that too. Think she just misses Mac?"

"I don't know. I'm sure it's strange for her to be working without him, but I think it's more than that."

"Possible. Maybe she just needs someone to notice."

"Yeah. We'll see."

"You sound tired. Finish your stuff and then go home."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"You know, you've got limited free passes on bossing me around. Sure you wanna use it now?"

"You sure you want me to use it on something else?"

"Touche."

"Go. Call me when you get home."

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too."

They hung up and she stood from the table, gathering the files again and taking them into the office. It was quiet around the lab lately; it seemed that everyone was on vacation. She'd been working a lot, Hawkes seemed to always be there, and she was pretty sure Stella had been sleeping in her office. It made for a lot of work and they were all tired, but she felt herself being more aware of everything she did.

She rubbed her neck and powered up the computer, figuring she could record her notes on the case fairly quickly and get out of there before too late.

"Hey Lindsay," Hawkes said, poking his head in the door. "Did you figure out what that blue substance was in the injection site?"

"Yep. Ink."

"Ink?"

"I'm thinking that wasn't an injection site for the purpose of murder. Have you ever gone to get your printer cartridge refilled?"

"No."

"They use needles that are a slightly larger gauge than a syringe to pierce the cartridge and refill it. I'm not sure how the ink fits in to the bigger picture of the murder, but I've got type and manufacturer right here."

"Actually, this makes a lot of sense," he said, taking the test results from her. "Thanks Lindsay."

"I aim to please."

He gave her a smile and left the room and she turned back to the computer. It didn't take long to input the data and before she knew it, she had saved and printed everything and was hitting the office light. She took the long way out, stopping in to Stella's office before leaving.

"Hey Stell. I'm going to go home and sleep a few hours unless you need anything."

"No, get outta here kiddo," Stella replied with a distracted wave of her hand.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, just tired, overworked, underpaid."

"Sounds like more than that," Lindsay said, sitting down in the chair near the door. "What's up with you?"

Stella sighed and flopped down in her own chair staring up at the ceiling.

"Do you ever feel like you're getting left behind? Like everyone around you has a purpose and a plan and you're just sitting there waiting for your turn?"

"Sometimes."

"I guess I'm just looking around at everyone and you all seem so happy and driven and content with life. And I don't know if I want more or something different or what."

"Your restless streak is showing, Stella."

"What?"

"Do you really want to hear what I think?"

"Always."

"You've put your entire life into this job. Sure you sometimes take days off, but they're few and far between. You have this part of you that's creative and adventurous and wants to go and do and be, and you never let that out. Your heart is here in this lab, it's out on the street keeping people safe. But your soul is somewhere else. It wants adventure and discovery and culture. And for a while it got that with the chases and the cracking cases, but that's not enough anymore."

"What are you saying?"

"Sometimes you have to let yourself be the person you wanted to be when you were five. Like… okay, I used to want to be a painter. So sometimes I buy a cheap canvas and just paint. And I suck at it and it usually ends up in the trash, but I always feel better. Sometimes you just have to let go of all the things you have to do and focus on what you need."

"So if I wanted to be a pilot, you would suggest…?"

"Take lessons. Just get in there and do something. Be active because you want to be. As far as all of us being happy and driven and content, it's not like that all the time. I think we're all wandering around unsure of what's going on half the time. You're just more in tune to that feeling than the rest of us."

"Did you ever want to be a therapist?" Stella asked on a dry chuckle.

"I went through a phase of wanting to be the bully on the playground that sent kids to therapy."

"Right. You being a bully. Sure."

"I could tell you stories. Don't underestimate me."

"I never will again."

They shared a laugh and Lindsay stood up.

"I'll see you in the morning, Stell."

"Night."

"And please go home at some point, okay?"

"I will."

Lindsay slipped from the room and made her way to the elevator. The exhaustion was hitting her hard and she was suddenly glad she'd taken the subway to work instead of driving. Of course this meant that she was going to have to walk the streets alone in the middle of the night, but her neighborhood was fairly safe. Of course fairly safe meant that there hadn't been a murder there in the last year. Shaking her head and sufficiently creeping herself out, she hailed a taxi instead.

* * *

"You're supposed to be in bed by now," Adam said in greeting. Lindsay smiled and slid into bed, adjusting the pillow before leaning against it.

"I am."

"I meant asleep, dear."

"Oh that. What'cha doin'?"

"Fighting with jet lag and watching _Edward Scissorhands_."

"Yes Johnny Depp, no Scissorhands."

"What?"

"I just hated that movie. It's so far out of the realm of possibility. I couldn't even watch the whole thing."

"But you have to watch the whole thing or it doesn't make sense. He's not a real boy."

"Yeah, well I didn't like _Pinnochio_ either."

"Lindsay we need to have a serious talk when I get home."

She giggled and pulled his sweatshirt from underneath her pillow, burying her nose in it. She was going to have to swap it out for a different one; it was losing its scent.

"You wanna tell me what else you hate so I don't run into this problem again?"

"_Disappearance, The Coneheads, From Justin to Kelly, Soultaker_ except the Mystery Science Theater version is okay, _Glitter, Baby Geniuses, Freddy Got Fingered_-"

"Okay, okay, now I'm going to be dreaming about those horrors."

"I still like _The Goonies._"

"Only a complete moron hates that movie."

"I agree."

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to go to bed."

"But…"

"What?"

"I don't know. You're right."

"I know. We'll talk for longer tomorrow. That is if I can escape my grandmother and her constant chatter."

"So that's where you get it."

"You love it."

"I do."

"I'd kiss ya right now if you weren't so far away."

"I'd kiss you back."

"Goodnight Linds. I love you."

"I love you too, Adam."


	22. Chapter 22

A/N: And to think, I was originally gonna break them up in chapter five. Screw that crap.

* * *

After today, she was planning on not going back to the airport for a very long time. She loved arrivals but hated departures and knew she couldn't have one without the other, so it was best to avoid the place altogether. She stood on her tip-toes and scanned the crowd, finally spotting Adam across the room. She fought the urge to run to him, but fighting the urge didn't mean her hands and feet weren't almost spasming in anticipation.

This was pathetic. It had only been four days and she was almost nervous to see him again. The crowds eventually thinned and their eyes met from twenty feet away. He smiled and her willpower flew away on the 6:10 to Oakdale. Her feet carried her across the tile floor and she jumped into his arms, just like the well known scenes of older chick flicks. She didn't care what she looked like as they crashed together, nearly falling over.

"You missed me," he said, holding onto her. She nodded against him as he settled her back down on the ground, pressing his lips to hers.

"Did you miss me?" she asked, a playful smile on her lips.

"Like crazy," he answered. "I didn't have anyone to cuddle with all weekend."

"Let's get out of here and make up for lost time then."

He picked up the bag he had dropped in order to catch her, then took her hand and led her outside.

"Ah, nice and cool here," he said as the breeze hit him.

"Have we digressed into discussing the weather?"

"Maybe we're just that… together."

"Works for me," she shrugged, wrestling the keys out of her pocket. "You wanna drive?"

"Sure. Did you eat?"

"A little. You?"

"I had plane food."

"So… burgers?"

"Sounds like a plan."

They got into the car and he put the key in the ignition, but didn't start it up.

"What's the matter?"

He turned in his seat and drew her into his arms, resting his chin atop her head. He didn't do it often, but sometimes he grabbed her into a desperate hug and just held her there for a while. He once said that it was the one thing that allowed him to pull himself back together. Every direction he'd been pulled in, all the chaos, he needed just those few moments to reassemble.

She relaxed into his arms, feeling quite reassembled herself as his lips pressed into her hair. Everything became as crisp and clear as a glacial runoff when they held each other. Time didn't necessarily slow, they just stopped being prisoners to it.

"So dinner?" he asked, once the awkward positions became uncomfortable.

"Yeah."

She sat up and reached for his hand, threading their fingers together as he started the car and drove away from the airport.

"You got tan," she noted, crinkling her nose. "Now I look sickly."

"No you don't. Besides, this will fade in a couple days. You should see Hannah. Her hair is almost blonde from all the sun she's been getting."

"You lucky people without buildings in your way."

"Hey, I've seen pictures. I know what a Montana summer does to you."

She smiled.

"I suppose."

"You're itching to go barefoot, I can tell."

"Guess we're just going to have to hit the beach then, huh?"

"Pretty much."

"Hey babe, you're going the wrong way," she said, noticing they were headed away from the city instead of into it.

"I know. Trust me?"

"Okay."

She settled back into the seat and turned the radio on, surfing for a second until she found and oldies station.

They drove for a while, places and streets she didn't know, and finally came up on a burger stand. He got out of the car and ordered for them, bringing the food back in a few minutes. She glanced over at him and grinned.

"I want to make a hunter-gatherer joke, but I'm not sure which one to pick."

"It's okay. Sometimes I wanna make a woman in the kitchen joke, but I don't know which one to pick."

She slugged his arm playfully and giggled.

"So where are we going?"

"Remember trust me?"

"I trust you. I was just curious."

"You know what curiosity does."

"I'm not a cat though, so I'm not worried."

He chuckled and continued to drive. The sun would be going down in less than an hour, and it was still strange to see it set in the opposite direction of the water. Growing up, he'd been to California numerous times, and the sun always set over the ocean. Here, it seemed backwards. It always threw him off.

But that didn't really matter as he parked in a lot near the beach, rolled the windows down and hooked his iPod up to the radio. Lindsay looked at him curiously, then shrugged and joined him on the hood of the car. They sat back against the windshield as country music played from the speakers, and they ate their half cold burgers and fries while he told her about his trip. It had been a family reunion, with family members he hadn't seen in years. He told her all about his crazy uncles, aunts who asked him too many questions, and his cousins who had a morbid curiosity about him coming into contact with dead bodies.

"You're going to have to come with me next year," he said, finishing off his fries. "I'm sure between the two of us we can give them some really good stories."

"I'm betting so."

They lapsed into a comfortable silence, listening to the music and the waves and just letting themselves be. He reached over and took her hand as they stared out over the water and she couldn't remember a time in her life when she'd been happier.

The song changed and she looked over at him, just in time to catch his grin. Dropping their voices lower to match the singer, they both half belted out the first few lines.

_Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire__  
__Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher__  
__If we roll from town to town and never shut it down_

They had dissolved into giggles by this point, and couldn't keep up the deepness in their voices. Staring up at the stars that had started to come out, they sighed in contentment as the song continued.

_Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover__  
__Would we walk even closer until the trip was over__  
__And would it be okay if I didn't know the way_

_If I gave you my hand would you take it__  
__And make me the happiest man in the world__  
__If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl__  
__Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea__  
__Let me know if you're really a dream__  
__I love you so, so would you go with me_

_Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together__  
__Could you not look down forever__  
__If you were lighter than a feather__  
__Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me_

_If I gave you my hand would you take it__  
__And make me the happiest man in the world__  
__If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl__  
__Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea__  
__Help me tie up the ends of a dream__  
__I gotta know, would you go with me__  
__I love you so, so would you go with me_

Her fingers tapped against the car in time with the instruments in the song and she closed her eyes comfortably.

"Hey Linds?"

She turned her head slowly to look at him. He'd propped himself up on one elbow and was starting down at her intently.

"Yeah?"

"Would you go with me?"

"Of course," she answered with a grin. "Anywhere."

"What if I was asking for forever? Would you go?"

"Yes."

"What about with a ring on your finger?"

Her eyes grew wider and wider and her jaw dropped as he held up the ring for her. Her breath caught in her throat and she couldn't decide between saying yes and asking if this was real. He reached over and brushed her hair back from her face, the contact bringing her head back down from the clouds.

"Linds?" he asked again, softer this time.

"Yes."

It was a whisper and a nod and a tear falling down her cheek, but it was yes. He took her hand and slid the ring on her finger. It was a small ring with a tiny diamond, almost dwarfed by the intricate filigree detailing. She'd never seen anything like it, and knowing Adam, there was a story behind it.

She looked up and met his eyes, her chest clenching as he leaned down and kissed her. It was real and it was perfect and she had no idea how it was happening to her or where along the way she had become so lucky, but she wasn't going to question it now.

"When?" she asked finally, as her feet touched back on reality.

"You always said you wanted a fall wedding," he answered with a shrug.

"I did?"

"Yeah. A long time ago. Before we were even dating. You mentioned how you wanted a fall wedding and I thought how well that fit you with the colors and… I just remember that."

"You remember everything."

"I do my best."

She smiled and reached up to trace over his lips with her finger.

"You're stuck with me now," she said. "For good. Like Cheng and Eng."

He chuckled and kissed her again, both of their minds running ahead to a wedding and a home and an entire life together. Where it would take them and where they would end up, they had no idea, but they both knew that wherever that was, they would be together. That was what mattered. That was what the journey was all about.


	23. Chapter 23

A/N: I can't wait until I get to do this with my bestie someday. Oh the hilarity that will ensue.

* * *

"Stella, promise me we're going to stand together on this and not let her get something with a huge train on it."

"Promise."

"Or one of those mermaid looking ones."

"Got it."

"Or something with puffies all over it that makes her look like a pastry gone terribly wrong."

"Says the woman who bought her wedding dress second hand for twenty bucks on a 'you guys wait in the car' shopping trip."

"What?"

"You just have a lot of opinions, that's all."

"Shut up and knock, Bonasera."

Stella grinned and knocked on the door, then tried the knob. It was open and they walked in, both smirking at the bridal magazines all over Lindsay's coffee table.

"Hey!" Austin shouted. "High chair, let's get to gettin'!"

"High chair?" Lindsay asked, coming out of the bedroom with her hands on her hips. "I am not that short!"

"Face it, you're a shrimp."

"Maybe, but you and Danny have a Katie Holmes Tom Cruise thing goin' on. I am just waiting for him to jump on someone's couch."

"Screw you."

"You guys are so weird," Stella said, shaking her head.

"We know. Let's get out of here."

"Aust, I have never seen you so eager to shop before," Lindsay said, tossing her purse over her shoulder.

"I'm not anxious to shop. I am anxious to be done shopping so we can go out to dinner like you promised."

"I had to promise or you wouldn't come."

"I could put aside my aversion for all things girly to help my best friend shop for her wedding dress."

"You're a poor sentimental sap under your t-shirt and ripped jeans, aren't you?"

"That's what they keep saying. Don't believe them Lindsay," she said, grabbing Lindsay's shoulders dramatically. "Don't believe them!"

"Okay, the eight shot double mocha caramel iced lattes? You're done with them."

"But…"

"I said what I said and I am pretty sure I could get Danny to agree with me here."

"Sometimes I wish you guys hated each other."

"Don't worry, most of the time we do."

"Why do I always feel like I'm back in high school when I'm around you two?" Stella asked as they left the apartment.

"Because high school never ends," Lindsay answered seriously.

"This is going to be a very long afternoon."

Giggling, they made their way downstairs and stood on the sidewalk looking around.

"Um, we never decided how we're going to get there," Austin remarked, her hands on her hips.

"Aust, we never decided where there was."

"You guys are really lucky you keep me around," Stella muttered, pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket. "And you're lucky that I figured out how to Google."

"Dirty!"

Stella ignored the remark and unfolded the paper.

"Alright, so I searched for discount bridal shops because as much as I love you Linds, I don't want to hear your rant about spending thousands of dollars on something you'll only wear once then pitch in the back of your closet where it will turn yellow and become unwearable for your daughter provided it's still in style twenty five years from now."

"Sounds like I'm not the only one with opinions," Austin scoffed, kicking a rock down the street. "So are we hoofin' it or what?"

"I think driving is our best option. Lindsay?"

"I'll drive if you guys don't make fun of me for my really bad parallel parking skills."

"It's a deal."

* * *

"Lindsay, no. Put it back on the rack. That's a good girl. Too much tulle."

"I know that. I was thinking I could alter it. Take some tulle out and… you're shaking your head. Stell, why is she shaking her head?"

"Because she still thinks you should get that one at the last store."

"The one my boobs were about to fall out of? Yeah right."

"Your butt looked great in it!"

"Aust, no one would be looking at my butt in that thing. Believe me. I never even knew these things could do that."

"Okay, maybe not something quite so revealing, but a similar style."

"And you have to pick shoes," Stella reminded her, looking through a few dresses. "They can make or break the look you know."

"Yes, thank you Stacy London for that free _What Not To Wear_ advice."

"I'm serious. You have to choose."

"I think once I find the dress I'll decide on the shoes. But just don't let me forget that at the end of the day it's not going to matter what I wore."

"Ew, stop getting your twitterpatedness all over me!"

"Austin, pretend you're a girl for just a little bit longer and I'll give you a cookie."

"You know I love you right?"

"Yeah," she said with a shrug, pulling another dress off the rack. "Oh… my… what the slut?"

"Ew, that's like a hooker dress!" Austin said with a giggle.

"Then why is it white?" Stella asked, inspecting the garment. "Why are there so many straps on this thing? Why kind of bridal shop is this?"

"I don't know, but I am sending a picture of this to Adam."

"You're mean, Lindsay."

She just smiled and sent the picture, then put the dress back on the rack. A few moments later her phone beeped.

"He says "Okay but only if I can be Richard Gere." That is the man I am marrying ladies."

"Hey, at least he sets boundaries right?"

"Sure. What do you guys think about this one?"

She held the dress out for them to inspect and they both looked it over before shaking their heads.

"It just doesn't seem like you, Linds."

"I know," she said, placing the dress back on the rack and sighing. "I'm burnt out. Let's just quit for today."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I'll find it, but if I keep looking right now I'm going to start thinking that I'll never find it, and then I'll become one of those bridezillas and you'll both hate me."

"Alright. Can we go check out that antique store around the corner? I saw a desk in the window that looked interesting."

They made their way outside and down the street to the antique store. It was small and filled with all sorts of things from furniture to books to clothes to china. They wandered around for a long time looking at all the displays. Stella was busy scrutinizing a roll-top desk and Austin was admiring the collection of candy jars when they heard a quiet "hey guys" from behind them. They turned around and found Lindsay in a white dress, her face one of reserved excitement. The dress had capped sleeves and a cinched waist, and it hit her mid-calf. There was a layer of thin lace over the skirt, which fanned out just enough to make it formal, but not enough to make it fancy. It was definitely 50's style and it took no imagination to picture her coming down the aisle in it.

"You found it," Stella remarked with a grin.

"Think so?"

"Forget all the tulle and the beading and the trains. This right here is the dress for our Montana girl," Austin agreed with a nod.

"Are you guys sure?"

"Very sure. Does it feel right to you?"

She bit her lip and walked over to the old dusty mirror that stood in the corner.

"It feels perfect," she said finally.

"Yes! Now go change and buy that thing so we can go to dinner!"

"Austin, you're such a guy," Lindsay said, shaking her head as she headed back into the dressing room.

"Thank you!"

* * *

"So what's it look like?" Adam asked.

"A dress," Lindsay replied, licking the ice-cream off her spoon.

"What kind of dress?"

"A wedding one."

"Linds…"

"What? You can't know about the dress," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Why not? I thought I just couldn't see you in it."

"No, you can't know about it. Get it in your head that I'm wearing a burlap sack and this will be easier for everyone."

"Fine, I'm not going to tell you what I'm wearing."

"Honey, we already picked that out."

"Fine. I won't tell you what I'm wearing underneath."

She chuckled and her face flushed.

"Yeah, we'll just wait for that day and see how long you can keep it a secret."

"You don't play fair, babe."

"I'm just using some good old fashioned logic here."

"You're trouble, little lady."

"You love me anyway."

"Yeah, but I have issues."

"Well you and your issues should get back to work."

"Very well, but I'm coming over in the morning."

"You won't find the dress. It's at Stella's."

"Why?"

"Because you'll snoop."

"You know me well."

"Get back to work. I'll see you later."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

She hung up the phone and placed it on the table next to the empty ice-cream carton.

"He's really into finding out what the dress is like," Stella noted, tapping her spoon against her knee.

"Yeah," Austin agreed. "Sure he's not gay?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes and hit Austin with a pillow.

"Did you guys pick a date yet?" Austin asked, grabbing the pillow and tossing it across the room.

"Yeah. October thirteenth. We thought about the sixth, but we liked the sound of the thirteenth better."

"And still in Montana?"

"Yeah. We thought about Phoenix because it would be warmer, but if his dad finds out he's getting married, it's not totally outside the realm of possibility that he would show up. So we figured Montana is the best bet. Besides, there's this little white church that I've always liked and the weather should be good and it all just makes sense."

"So you're going with a country theme. Tell me, is Adam going to wear one of those tie things and a cowboy hat?"

"No."

"You can't blame me for asking."

"Guess not."

"Guys, I've gotta go," Stella said, rolling out of he chair and standing up.

"Oh come on Stell!" Austin said. "Stay for longer."

"I would but I have court in the morning."

"Pfft. Responsibility."

"I know, it's totally overrated."

"Thanks for coming, Stell."

"You're welcome. Let me know if you need help with anything, okay?"

"I will."

Stella slipped out the door and Austin sighed, leaning against the couch.

"I worry about her," she confessed. Lindsay nodded.

"I know. I don't think she'd tell us if she wasn't okay. I think she'd only tell Mac. And I love the man, but I don't think he's listening."

"Maybe if he wasn't still in London."

"Maybe. He'll be back soon and maybe everything will be better. I think she just sees all of us… I don't know, falling in love and she's still scared because of what happened with Frankie."

"Maybe."

"But as she's told me, she's a big girl and she'll be fine."

"Yeah."

They were quiet for a while.

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"You're happy right?"

"Happier than I've ever been."

"Good. It is my job to ask though."

"I appreciate it."

"Where are you guys going to live? Here or at his place?"

"We're looking for something better. We only need the one bedroom for now, but we might get something bigger."

"Oh really?"

"Well, you never know," she said with a shrug and a smile. Austin giggled and crushed her with a hug.

"You'd make a great mom. Really."

"Thanks. Have you guys thought about it?"

Austin sighed and looked down at her hands.

"We've talked. I'm not ready yet and Danny says he is, but he's not either. Maybe someday, but not for a while."

Lindsay nodded and rested her chin on her knees.

"Life. Sigh."

"I hear that. Hey, is this going to be a long wedding?"

"No way. Fifteen minutes tops. Probably less."

"Are you writing your own vows?"

"Gross. No way."

"Good. Those are always so sappy."

"Well not always. It's just so not us."

"I'm really happy for you. And even if I have to go to Montana, I can't wait for this wedding."

"Me neither. Is Danny working tonight?"

"Yeah. So I'm not going to be able to sleep without him, so I can crash here, right?"

"Always. You can sleep in the fetus chair."

"Excuse me, what?" Austin asked.

"The papisan chair. Because you curl up like a fetus when you sit in it. Don't ask."

"I won't."

They giggled and Lindsay stood from the couch to get some blankets. Tossing one at Austin, she settled herself into the couch and turned down the volume on the TV.

"Hey Linds, even when we're both old and married promise me we can sometimes ditch the boys and just be us for a while."

"I think our mental stability will depend on it."

"Probably. Night Linds. Love you with my guts."

"Love you with my guts too."

Lindsay burrowed into the blankets and grabbed her phone again, checking the screen to make sure she hadn't missed a call, as was her nighttime ritual. There wasn't anything on there, but she texted Adam anyway.

_How many days? I love you._

_122. I love you too._

Smiling, she set the phone back on the table and closed her eyes, falling into a happy and peaceful sleep.


	24. Chapter 24

"_Lindsay, don't be like that. Don't pout at me."_

"_I'm not pouting. What, do you think I'm three years old?"_

"_I didn't say that! Are you just going to twist my words? Is that what you want me to say?"_

"_Adam, you're not even listening to me."_

"_I'm trying to!"_

"_I have a headache and I'm going home."_

"_Lindsay-"_

"_Just let me go home, Adam."_

It had been three hours and his stomach still hurt when he thought of the way she'd stomped out of the lab, her arms crossed over her chest. He wasn't sure how the discussion had turned into a fight, but he should have seen how stressed out she had been lately. That was kind of his job after all.

He unlocked her door and walked inside, knowing that she very well may not let him in if he just knocked. All was quiet, and he made his way to the bedroom, figuring a headache probably had her down for the count. She was curled up on the bed, under a blanket even though it was scorching outside. He toed his shoes off and climbed in behind her, wrapping his arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"I'm still mad at you," she whispered.

"And I'm still mad at you, so we're even."

"Why are you mad at me?" she asked, turning her head just a little to look at him.

"Honey, you have to talk to me when you're overwhelmed. I never would have teased you about it if I knew."

"I didn't want to bother you," she confessed, her fingers running up and down his arm.

"Bother me? What do you think I'm here for, decoration?"

"Well you are nice to look at."

"Linds."

"There's just so much to do. And you've been working really long hours on that case and you did everything on the list I gave you already and you shouldn't have to worry about this stuff now."

"You can't just not talk to me. And we're in this together so don't try to do it alone."

"Okay. I'm sorry honey."

"I'm sorry too. I wasn't paying attention. If I had been I would have seen you melting down a long time ago. I'll pay better attention from now on."

"I'll tell you when I'm stressed."

He tucked her hair behind her ear and turned her to look in his eyes.

"Not just when you're stressed. All the time. You pickin' up what I'm layin' down?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"We're okay?"

"We're okay."

He kissed her gently and she rolled over, sliding her arm around him and pulling him closer.

"I love you."

"I love you too, babe. You wanna tell me what else I can do to help you with the wedding stuff?"

"Later. I don't want to talk about it right now. Moratorium on all things wedding for the rest of the night."

"Wanna talk about the honeymoon then?"

"Yeah! Where are you taking me?"

"I can't tell you that."

"But… please?"

"All I can tell you is that it's somewhere neither of us has been before."

"Oh, an adventure!"

"Yeah, I figured that was kind of us. And you promised to go with me."

"Yes I did. And I can't wait."

"Me neither," he said, waggling his eyebrows. She giggled.

"You're bad."

"You're beautiful."

She smiled and he traced over her lips with his finger, watching the way her hair splayed over the pillow, how her eyes caught the sunlight and reflected it back at him. She left him breathless every time their eyes met, made his heart beat faster every time she touched him. He wanted to live this moment for the rest of his life. Nothing more, nothing less.

"I got you a peace offering," he said, touching his nose to hers.

"Mmm, what's that?"

"You gotta get out of bed to see."

"But I have a headache," she said, tracing over the design on his t-shirt. Her eyes drifted up to his and she gave him a little smile.

"You're difficult, do you know that?"

"Keeps you on your toes," she replied.

He chuckled and rolled onto his back, pulling her up onto his chest and kissing her forehead.

"You know what I keep thinking about?" he asked, running his fingers through her hair.

"What?"

"That this is it. No more what ifs, no more drama, no more questions. It's you and me. Everyday, forever, I know that you're the one I'm coming home to."

"How do you do that?" she asked with a smile.

"Do what?"

"Put what you're thinking into words that make me melt into a huge puddle of goop?"

"Probably the same way you can smile at me and make the world stop."

She stretched up and kissed him, feeling his heart beating beneath her chest, the rhythm of it thundering through her as perfectly timed as a metronome. Their lips moved together while their limbs wriggled around each other finding that just right fit, that ideal comfort that they could sink into, letting the world pass them by. Whispered _I Love You_'s slipped in between kisses and they breathed the words in, making them an indelible part of themselves.

She pulled away after a moment, her eyes sparkling and her cheeks flushed. Her head was dizzy with him and he wanted to pull her back to him and kiss her senseless, but he didn't want to destroy this moment of pure eye talking that they were having.

"You said something about a peace offering," she said once her breathing had returned to normal. He nodded and sat up, effectively dumping her into his lap where she sat giggling.

"You're going to have to let me up if you want to see it," he reasoned, pushing her stubborn hair back behind her ear. It fell back down to where it had just been and he grimaced.

"What?"

"Remember when I told you that you were obstinate down to your very bones? I wasn't joking and I did mean it literally."

"Thanks," she replied, pecking his cheek and moving out of his lap so he could get up. Once he had stood, she jumped onto his back.

"Geez, fighting makes you flirty," he mentioned, carrying her out to the other room.

"It is my tragic flaw. Like Hamlet and procrastination."

"I hope this doesn't some day get you killed."

"Me too. Though it would be an interesting case I'm sure."

He deposited her onto the counter and placed his hands palm down on either side of her legs.

"Now I want you to unwrap this very delicately. I spent a long time trying to make it look nice, and I would like to save the wrapping for another time."

She lifted and eyebrow and he handed her a plastic grocery sack, tied at the top.

"You wrapped this so well, and without the use of tape! I'm floored."

She undid the knot and pulled out the prize he had so lovingly bestowed upon her.

"_The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3_," she read off with a smile. "The cartoon? For real?"

"For real and for three bucks too."

"You're awesome."

"I do my best. Wanna watch a few episodes before you crash?"

"Before I crash? I really look that tired?"

"Not really, but I know you've been up for close to 18 hours, and I know you only got around three hours of sleep last night."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you called me three and half hours before you had to be up."

"And insomnia rears its tell-tale head again."

"Any particular reason why?"

"The guy it was preying on before got a Serta mattress?"

"C'mon, I'll cuddle you to sleep."

She followed him into the other room, curling up on the couch while he got the DVD ready.

"Will you make me a bowl of cereal?" she asked, putting on her best innocent face.

"Cartoon junkie," he accused, going back into the kitchen. "What kind do you want?"

"A graveyard."

"You want all four kinds mixed in one bowl?"

"Bring. It. On."

* * *

"Alright, so the quad-cereal experiment. Thoughts?"

"Good in theory, bad in execution."

"And what leads you to this hypothesis, Ms. Monroe?"

"While the Golden Grahams and the Cinnamon Toast Crunch were a perfect union of cereal bliss, the Rice Krispies and the Cheerios became soggy at very different rates. This creates a texture that, while interesting, can also be extremely off-putting if not eaten when the Krispies are still crunchy. I may have to adjust the variables and retest this theory at a later date."

"I love that you're completely serious about this."

"I am always serious about science."

He chuckled and continued to run his fingers up and down her calf while she sighed.

"Babe, is there anything else bothering you?"

"Taylor called," she said, referring to the now 16 year old that had been her little sister in the Big Brothers Big Sisters volunteer program. "Her mom took off again. Left her alone for a week so far. No idea when she's coming back. Taylor's scared of staying in that apartment alone, so my mom went and got her and she's staying with them for a while, but soon her mom will be back and the whole thing will start again."

"That sucks."

"I hate Gina. Hate her. She's been doing this for years. I can't tell you how many times Taylor has stayed with me or my parents or a friend because her Gina's run off with another loser to who knows where. I just don't get it. How can a person be that selfish? Just write your kid off and go off and not even care. It doesn't make sense. And Taylor's got to live with it. Despite the fact that she's the perfect child, low maintenance, totally responsible, that's still not enough to make Gina stop. She doesn't care at all. She's never been to a parent teacher conference, never given her a birthday party or a birthday present on time even. She's never told Taylor that she loves her, and I honestly think the only reason she comes back is to keep custody of her so she can get tax breaks. It's a mess. An absolute mess and I could just kill the woman."

"I know."

"And at the same time, Taylor defends her mother to a fault. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand. Maybe I'm just supposed to be there when she needs me, even if I don't have the answers."

"Maybe."

She sighed and rubbed her eyes.

"Taylor's fine for the moment, so I'm not going to think about it right now."

"You can check on her in the morning."

"Yeah."

They lapsed into silence, her staring at the ceiling and him rubbing her feet while the Mario cartoon played in the background.

"Lindsay?" he asked, reaching over to place his hand on her stomach, stealing her attention away from the plaster ceiling.

"Yeah?"

"You're never going to be like Gina you know."

"I know."

"Whatever kids we have, they're going to be so lucky to have you as a mom. So lucky."

"They're going to be pretty lucky with you too," she noted with a smile.

"How many do you want?"

She smiled and shrugged.

"I always thought just two, but I don't know. Maybe more. You?"

"I'm still adjusting to the fact that it's even possible," he said, leaning down to kiss her exposed stomach. "Someday."

"Your beard tickles," she said with a giggle.

"Oh really? It does?"

She saw the look on his face and knew what was coming, but had no way to stop it. He crawled across her and ran his beard over her cheek. She erupted in fits of laughter and he continued to tease her as she squirmed underneath him.

"Stop!" she squealed as his lips landed on her pulse, prickling the sensitive skin on her neck. He just laughed and covered her lips with his rendering her silent.

"So how's that headache?" he asked, releasing her.

"Mostly gone. I think I've got my second wind."

"And with her eyes at half mast she says this."

"Oh hush."

He stood from the couch and pulled her up too, drawing her into a hug.

"Now walk me to the door and then go to bed."

"Yes sir," she said, giving him a half hearted salute.

He kissed her once more, then turned to leave.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"45 days."

The smile on her face stayed there until she crawled into bed and relaxed into a gentle sleep.


	25. Chapter 25

From the moment her feet hit the earth of Montana, Lindsay had felt like she was running. Almost every moment of every day was taken up with tasks to prepare for the wedding, or visits with people who were demanding a sliver of her time. She loved it to some degree, but at the same time she kind of hated it. She wanted to relax before the wedding because she knew the actual day was going to be exhausting. But she loved that it was keeping her busy, making the time fly so she wasn't constantly counting days and hours.

Of which there were three and six left respectively.

Adam had arrived the night before and was still asleep in the guest room. She'd already made, eaten, and put away breakfast. She wanted to let him sleep; in fact what she really wanted was to crawl into bed with him and spend the day talking and kissing and just being together. Maybe what she really wanted was a pre-honeymoon.

But life was calling and they had errands to run and people to pick up at the train station, so she climbed the stairs in her parents house and pushed open the bedroom door. He was sprawled over the bed, his face buried in the pillows. She tip-toed over to the bed and climbed in, snuggling in next to him and kissing his cheek. He didn't stir, and she poked his shoulder.

"What are you doing, crazy?" he said, keeping his eyes closed and turning his head in the other direction.

"Wakin' you up," she answered, rubbing his back. "Is it working?"

"Mmmm."

"That's not an answer babe."

"Too tired for English. Check back later."

She chuckled and tugged on his arm until he put it around her and turned in her direction again.

"Mornin' love," he said, blinking a few times to adjust to the light.

"Morning. You getting up anytime soon?"

"I suppose I'm going to have to because you're not going to let me go back to sleep, are you?"

"Nope."

He rolled over onto his back and she propped herself up on her elbow, watching as he continued to wake up.

"What's on the agenda for today?"

"Lots of picking things up."

"Things?"

"Clothes and people mostly. I wanted to take you somewhere though."

"Funky town?"

"Yes and somewhere else too. Time to get up."

"Ten minutes."

"One."

"Babe, is this gonna be my life, keeping up with you?"

"For the first few years."

"At least I know what I'm getting into," he muttered, sitting up and raking a hand through his hair. She smiled and he pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her and nuzzling her neck.

"You're so beautiful."

She smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Well I'm not complaining with you sitting here shirtless," she replied with a smile.

"I thought you wanted me to get out of bed."

She nodded and wiggled out of his arms then stood up and held her hand out for him. He took it and stood up, his hand landing on her hips as he kissed her.

"I'll be down in a bit."

"I'll go reheat breakfast."

"You're a peach."

She grinned, her hand lingering on his chest for a moment before escaping downstairs.

* * *

By five in the afternoon the house was full to the brim with people; family and friends all sharing in a big dinner. Everyone from New York had arrived by plane and then train several hours before and most of the family had just driven in. It was warm and bright inside while the sun was setting outside and Lindsay still hadn't taken Adam to the place she said she was going to. Once everyone had been introduced and fed, she felt it was time to sneak out, so she grabbed the tractor keys off the hook by the door, caught Adam's eye across the room and motioned for him to meet her outside.

He found her on the porch, sitting on the railing, breathing deeply. He watched her for a moment, the way she rested her chin on her knees and crossed her legs at the ankle, how peaceful she looked as she closed her eyes and breathed.

"Hey hon," he said, coming to stand next to her. "You gestured?"

"I still have to take you somewhere," she said, hopping down from the porch and grabbing his hand. She pulled him down the porch steps and across the yard to the tractor.

"This isn't John Deere!" he exclaimed as they climbed into the bench seat.

"Well, we really do love John Deere, but the upkeep costs are pretty high, you can't just take it anywhere for repairs and you have to buy John Deere parts. So while we love it, sometimes the money is greener and you just have to downgrade."

"I see."

"John Deere still looks better in pictures and if dad was rich enough, he'd have every model."

She started the tractor and they bumped down the driveway. He wasn't sure where they were going, but he trusted her.

"Did you learn to drive in this thing?"

"Yep. That's the reason the paint is missing on that side."

"What did you hit?"

"That tree just jumped out of nowhere!"

He laughed as they continued to drive over the dirt roads that carried them away from the house and through the wheat fields. He liked watching her in this element, a flannel shirt and ripped jeans, her hair pulled back into a braid and cowboy boots on her feet. She'd done gone country right under his nose. He wouldn't have it any other way.

She stopped the tractor after a while, jumping out and walking a few feet to a tree.

"Recognize this?" she asked when he joined her. He looked around and smiled.

"Your favorite place," he answered, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on her shoulder.

She nodded but didn't say anything for a while, not until the sun was just a sliver on the horizon.

"What are you thinkin' about?" he asked finally.

"I um…this is kind of silly."

"Tell me anyway."

"I used to bring guys here," she started turning a little to look at him. "As a test. I had to stand here with them and it had to feel right or I would break up with them. There were times I avoided it because I was scared that it wouldn't feel right, so I'd put it off and put it off, but eventually I had to be sure so I brought them here."

"Geez babe, how many times have you done this?"

"I only brought three guys out here and I was a lot younger then."

"So… how'm I doing?"

"Oh, I'm not testing you. You… I already knew for sure. Knew for a long time."

"Oh really? How long?"

"You want to know when I first knew?"

"Yeah."

"That day when we were first dating we'd been out doing something, I don't remember what. But on the way home you stopped to go through the car wash. And we were sitting there in the dark and we didn't have the radio and we weren't saying anything, but you reached over and you held my hand. And I just felt this… I don't know what it was exactly, but my heart just knew."

He chuckled and she turned around, her expression one of question.

"What?"

He just continued to laugh and she felt herself getting upset.

"Adam, what?"

"We knew on the same day," he said, dropping his forehead to hers.

"We did?"

"We went for fast food for lunch. You said it was bad for us but you ate it anyway. We ate in the car because we were stuck in traffic. You unwrapped my burger for me."

"I did what?"

"I know, it sounds weird. But you just did it without saying anything. You unwrapped it so I could eat it while I drove without spilling it and you just handed it to me. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. That's why I grabbed your hand in the car wash. Because it felt right. Because I knew that yours was the only hand I wanted to hold for the rest of my life."

She blinked slowly as a tear fell down her cheek.

"Do you think that maybe we always knew that the others were wrong, and we were just waiting for each other?"

"I like that," he replied, framing her face with his hands, using his thumb to wipe away her tear. She smiled as he kissed her for what felt like the first time and the millionth time all rolled into one.

"We're getting married," she said after a moment, her eyes almost bursting with happiness.

"Yes we are. Three days. After that, everything else is gravy."

"Mmm, gravy."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too, Lindsay."


	26. Chapter 26

The morning came brightly, an unseasonable heat settling over the earth. Lindsay had gotten up just before the sun, donning track pants and a sweatshirt and going for a long run around the ranch. Her feet pounded against the dirt and she cleared her mind, focusing on nothing but the road ahead of her. She hadn't gotten out to run in a long time, and as the crisp air pumped in and out of her lungs she began to almost giggle with joy.

Rounding the corner and hopping up the front steps, she collapsed into the porch swing, sighing and watching the sunlight dance over the yard.

"Hey baby girl," her dad said as the screen door slammed behind him and he stepped onto the porch.

"Mornin' daddy."

He sat down on the steps and pulled his boots on then looked up at her with a smile.

"You went runnin' already?"

"Yeah. Couldn't sleep. I'll take a nap later."

"Aren't your brothers takin' y'all to the lake?"

"Oh yeah. And they'll prolly throw me in like last time. Like all the times for that matter. Didn't you teach them boys no manners?"

"At least they know English better'n you."

"And how," she chuckled.

"Want to come help me in the barn?"

"For a bit. I'm starvin'."

"Your mama said she'd have breakfast ready in a while. Come pass the time with me."

She walked with him to the barn, breathing in the smell as they stepped inside. She'd always been the first to volunteer for morning duties when she was a kid, and despite the getting up at the crack of dawn, she loved it. Something about the fresh sunlight, the sleepiness of the animals, the coolness of the air and the sound of hay under her feet all came together to line the world up, to put it all in order.

They moved around the barn in silence, greeting the animals and doing the morning chores. It really didn't take that long, and soon they were headed back to the house.

"Daddy?" she began, stopping halfway there.

"Yeah?"

"I'm always going to be your baby girl."

"I know," he said with a smile and nod.

They went inside the house and were greeted by the smell of pancakes and eggs, bacon and sausage, coffee and biscuits.

"Your mama doesn't do nothin' halfway."

"No joke," she agreed as they entered the kitchen. Adam was sitting at the table reading the paper while her mom puttered around the room, putting the finishing touches on breakfast. Lindsay poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table pulling the newspaper down to look at Adam.

"Good morning."

"Morning sweetie. You went for a run?"

"Just a short one."

"Isn't it cold out there?"

"Not too bad. Might be windy at the lake later."

"The lake in October. Am I the only one that thinks this is a bad idea?"

"A bad idea never stopped my children," Anne muttered, bringing a plate of pancakes to the table. "Especially this one right here."

"Oh mama," Lindsay said, rolling her eyes.

"You don't get to oh mama me. Not when you were the ringleader of the "I wonder what fertilizer tastes like" incident."

"Chemical fertilizer, not manure," Lindsay explained upon seeing the look on Adam's face. "The distinction really makes no difference, does it?"

"No."

"Or how about the time you thought it would be a good prank to hide great-grandpa's dentures?"

"He was too stubborn to wear them anyway."

"It was Easter and he didn't get any ham because you forgot where they were."

"I know, I know. No one is going to let me live that down. Even after I sat in the closet and bawled for an hour because I felt so bad."

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"Careful, her penchant for getting into trouble rubs off on people."

"Yeah, I've been noticing that."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and smacked his arm.

"Why do you gotta pick on me?"

"It's my job," he shrugged, swiping her coffee mug and taking a swig.

"What about love honor and cherish?"

"We're not married yet."

"That means I still have time to change my mind."

"My life is a catch 22."

"It's okay. I'll go easy on you," she assured, patting his arm.

* * *

"Does someone have the fishing poles?" Lindsay shouted, jumping off the tailgate of her brother's truck.

"You're not gonna tie the fishing string around your toe and fall asleep under a tree with your straw hat over your face?"

"This isn't 1910, Danny," she replied. "Besides, you can't reel in if it's stuck to your toe."

"Maybe you're just not good enough."

"Oh and you are? Hey, leave one pole here, city boy claims he doesn't need it!"

"I never said that you punk," he scoffed, pushing her. She made a face and kicked him playfully in the shin.

"Kids, knock it off," Austin said, stepping between them with an amused expression.

"Your husband is infantile."

"Your best friend is immature."

"Danny, that's practically the same thing."

"Ah, you like fighting with me."

"It does keep my mental faculties sharp."

"You're welcome."

She chuckled and walked over to her moms' mini-van, opening the back hatch only to have Tessa and Hannah (who had become "bestest friends in all the world") jump out at her with squeals of laughter.

"Lindsay!" Hannah shouted, hugging Lindsay's legs. "Mommy said I could go to the lake too but it's too cold for me to go swimming."

"Okay."

"And Aunt Lin, daddy said I could ride in the van with Hannah," Tessa added, hopping from one foot to the other and clutching her hands together. "Is that okay? Can we?"

"Yeah that's fine. You guys can sit in the back with Taylor."

"Taylor's coming?" Tessa squealed, clapping her hands. "She always has the best games to play."

"Guess who taught her all those games," Lindsay said, rearranging the cooler in the back of the van.

"God did of course!" Tessa answered. Lindsay just shook her head as the girls ran off giggling.

"Hey Linds?" Stella asked, fiddling with the GPS from Mac's rental car. "Mac says you drive too fast and he's going to lose you, so he wants the GPS to know where he's going."

"He knows there's no speed limit here, right?"

"I think he's incapable of going over sixty," Stella said with an eyeroll as Lindsay keyed the lake location into the electronic device.

"Here. If you get lost you can call me. We should still get service up there."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Hey."

"What?"

"You look happy."

"Yeah. Must be the fresh air and the impending nuptials."

"And?"

"It's just good to have him back. Really, really back."

Lindsay nodded in understanding. She'd heard rumblings of Mac and Peyton's break-up, and even outside the realm of Stella being her friend, she was happy. Not that Peyton had been a bad match by any means, but she didn't seem to fit in with the whole team well enough. They liked her, but they didn't love her, and anyone brought into the team directly through a job or indirectly through a relationship had to be loved. That was the harsh truth.

"Hey, are we going to get on the road or are you going to stand there and jaw all day long?" Jake asked, hanging out the window of his truck.

"Jake, you don't even have all your kids in your car! You could have one of them under your tire and you wouldn't even know it."

"Shuddup."

She stuck her tongue out at him and finished loading the van. It wasn't long before the convoy was ready to roll. Lindsay's parents were staying behind as they had a farm to run, and Adam's parents were going to stay in town and take advantage of having a day all to themselves.

"Aunt Lin, when are we getting Taylor?" Tessa asked from the back seat.

"Dude, chillax. And we're leaving right now."

She climbed into the seat and adjusted the mirrors while Danny and Austin chuckled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Is this about me being short?"

"No… it's about you driving a mini-van."

"Shut up, Messer."

* * *

"Come on Lindsay. It's tradition."

"Riley, it's too cold."

"Every year we go through this. It's not too cold, it's just windy, are you really that much of a baby, put on your big girl pants and get over here. Now that we've had the argument we can go."

Lindsay sighed from her spot on the ground where she had been playing a perfectly civilized game of Slapjack with Adam.

"I am not jumping in the lake."

"You're going in whether you want to or not."

"Adam, you'll make him go away, right?"

"Nah, but I'll be here when you get back."

She stood up and sighed, resigning herself to the fact that she was going to go in the choppy water in the middle of October on a windy day. She had a change of clothes, but only one, so she was going to have to make sure her brothers got all their "let's get sister wet again!" urges out of the way before she changed. As it stood now, she was in a jean skirt and black leggings with a white tank top under a flannel. Not exactly the best outfit to be jumping in the lake in, but it could have been worse.

"I'll jump, but I swear if you guys get me sick before my honeymoon, I will kill you all."

"Yeah, whatever," Riley said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards the water.

Adam watched with a grin as all four siblings made their way down to the dock. They stood there for a while and it looked like Lindsay was changing her mind about the whole ordeal. From fifty feet away he could see the look on her face, and wasn't surprised when she shed her flannel and did a flying leap into the water. Her brothers cheered, then jumped in with her, scrambling out of the water almost as fast as they had gone in.

"Big buncha wimp-os!" was all Adam heard from Lindsay as she slowly swam back to the dock. "It's not that bad! Now bring me a towel."

There was much hemming and hawing over who was going to have to find her a towel and finally Eli dutifully ran off, bringing her a huge beach towel upon his return. She pulled herself out of the water and wrapped the towel around her, then headed back to where Adam sat on a big blanket in the middle of the grass.

"They can talk you into anything, can't they?" he asked as she pulled an extra towel from her bag.

"Well, it is tradition," she answered with a shrug.

"You're not going to change?"

"I'd rather not risk it. I saw the look in Jake's eyes. If I let my guard down, I'm going in again."

"I love how you plan ahead."

"Survival. It's a jungle out here."

He chuckled as she tried to dry off, then gave up and wrapped a blanket around herself.

"Can I sit in your lap?" she asked, jutting her lower lip out and batting her eyes.

"Yeah, c'mere."

She smiled and snuggled into him, and he kissed the end of her frigid nose.

"So Mac and Stella are playing Badminton against Danny and Austin," he started. "So far Austin has hit Danny with the racket twice on accident and once on purpose, and Mac and Stella have run into each other almost three times. I think the game might be called on account of bloodshed."

"That sounds like good entertainment," she said, watching the game. "Just wait until they decide to switch partners."

"Yeah, I don't think Austin and Mac would do well on a team together."

"That's why it would be hilarious."

* * *

Two hours later Adam and Danny were arguing about the best way to barbeque the burgers for lunch. Mac was the one actually doing the barbequing, but Adam and Danny were standing there driving him nuts. The girls were lounged out on the quilt in the grass, basking in the sunlight.

"Hey Linds," Taylor said, flopping down on the quilt and laying her head in Lindsay's lap.

"Hey doll face," Lindsay replied, tucking Taylor's auburn hair behind her ear.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot."

"What do you think about Thaddeus Cornwell?"

"You're too young to be askin' me about boys. Especially Cornwell boys."

"I'm sixteen, Lindsay."

"Exactly."

Taylor sighed and rolled her eyes.

"You're no help," she muttered, sitting up.

"Hey wait, get back here, I wasn't done."

"What?"

"Is it just this particular boy or boys in general?"

"This one."

"And why him?"

Taylor shrugged.

"He makes me feel good. He takes care of me. He knows about my mom. He's cuter than his brothers."

"Well I guess I can only give you the same advice I've been giving your for years."

"If it's stupid, don't do it?"

"Exactly."

"Okay. Another question?"

"Sure."

"You're getting married, so you don't need a room at your parents house anymore, so can I have it?"

"Tay…"

"I know. You always tell me I need to work out stuff with my mom or move in with my dad, but my mom is too selfish to care and my dad is always out of town on business. I'm at your parents house like two nights a week already. I have a job and I can pay rent, plus I'm graduating a semester early so I'll be gone to college soon."

"Did you talk to them about it?"

"A little. Your dad said okay, your mom said to talk to you."

"Did you talk to your mom?"

"Sure Lindsay, she's around and sober enough to have this conversation."

"You're still her kid. Not to mention your dad does get a say in this."

"They don't care. They never have. You know that as well as I do."

"Look, I'm not saying it's a bad idea. I'm just saying that you need to do this the right way."

"Life is hard."

"Dig it, man."

"Can you just move back here and run my life?"

"Sorry kiddo."

"But I love you!"

Lindsay laughed and shook her head.

"I love you too."

"Okay, I'll be an adult about this. Again."

"Hey. You know that I'm proud of you all the time, right?"

"I know."

"Now go answer that phone of yours. I'm sure it's a boy."

Taylor smiled and got up, answering her phone with a high and happy voice.

"I wish I woulda had you around when I was a kid," Austin said. "Knock some sense into me."

"I wasn't always this good," Lindsay remarked, standing up and stretching. "I only tell her stuff like that because she listens to me."

"Yeah, I never woulda listened to you."

"Austin, you never listen to anybody," Stella noted with a grin.

"Very true."

"Yeah, you're kinda-" Lindsay's insult was cut off when Jake grabbed her from behind and threw her over his shoulder. "NO!"

She kicked a little, trying to get away as he headed back to the water.

"I just got warm!"

"Well that sucks."

"A bunch of people who carry guns for a living and you all just stand there?" she shouted.

"See ya later, Lindsay!" Mac said with a wave. She glared at him and tried to wrestle out of her brothers arms.

"I hate you all."

Those were her parting words as Jake ran down the dock and tossed her into the lake. She came up sputtering and glaring at him.

"Is it out of your system now?"

"Yep."

"Help me out?"

He reached down for her hand and hauled her back up to the deck where she wrung out her hair and glared at him.

"I love you, little sister."

"I'll pound your face."

"Yeah, just try."

He saw a flash of something in her eyes, but didn't have time to react before she used her entire body weight to launch them both into the lake once more.

"These were my only clothes!" he shouted as they surfaced.

"I ain't as good as I once was," she retorted, sticking her tongue out and climbing up on the dock once again.

"Hey sis?"

"Yeah?"

"Come home more often."

"I'll try."

* * *

Day turned into night and the cold swept in again, forcing them to build a bonfire. Lindsay had changed clothes and managed to stay out of the water for the rest of the day, and she was now comfortably tucked into Adam's lap, stealing bits of marshmallow from the middle of all the s'mores he was eating.

"Brudder," Hannah started, tugging on Adam's sleeve and rubbing her eyes.

"What's up buttercup?"

"I'm tired. Can I sit in the chair with you guys?"

"Yeah, if we can all fit."

They carefully rearranged themselves and pulled Hannah up with them, letting her nestle herself in however she was comfortable.

"What's all this junk you've got in your hair, Hannie?" Lindsay asked, pulling a twig from Hannah's braid.

"Probably leaves. Me and Tessa was wrestling the boys."

"They need to be taken down a notch every once in a while."

"Yep," she agreed, yawning again.

"Do you want to go sleep in the van?" Adam asked.

"Scary in there," Hannah replied as her eyes slid closed.

"And she's out. Think it'll last?"

"Kid sleeps through anything. We could probably leave her here and go for a walk," he suggested with a little grin. She nodded and they managed to get Hannah tucked into the camp chair where she curled up and snored softly.

Adam took Lindsay's hand and tugged her away from the laughter of friends and family, and into the still of the night. Their feet crunched over leaves and twigs and he pulled her to him suddenly, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. She leaned into him and sighed as his fingers ran up and down her spine.

"Forty-eight hours."

"That's so crazy," she chuckled.

"Are you ready?"

"Yup. You?"

"Have been for months."

He kissed her deeply and she held tightly to him, her head almost spinning.

"Lindsay?"

"Hmm?"

"I just want to tell you something. Before I swear it in front of everyone, I want to make this just between us. I love you more than anything else on this earth. And I am always going to love you, and I'm never going to leave you. There is nothing that will ever change that."

Words failed her so she kissed him instead, heart pounding in anticipation of the day when the rest of their life together would begin.


	27. Chapter 27

She hadn't slept very well what with all the dreams and tossing and turning and worrying about everything being just right. She'd fallen asleep fairly quickly, as tired as she was from the activities of the last several days, but she woke up a few times every hour, and then laid there, trying to relax back into sleep. At four she gave up and went downstairs, starting a pot of coffee and leaning against the counter. She was betting that Adam wasn't having trouble sleeping, but she wasn't going to call him to find out.

The girls night had ended up back at her parents house, but she wasn't sure where the guys had ended up. She just hoped they were all sober and without injury.

The floorboards creaked and she looked up to find Austin, her hair a mess and one of Danny's baseball shirts sagging around her.

"You're getting married!" she whispered excitedly.

"Yes, I am," Lindsay replied with a grin. "Why are you up?"

"It's six New York time? I dunno. I just woke up. Figured you were probably puttering around down here. Thought I'd keep you company."

"Thanks."

"Nervous?"

"About getting married? No. About standing up in front of all those people? Oh yeah."

"You won't even see them. I promise."

"And if I do, just picture them in their underwear?"

"No, that's a terrible idea. It never works."

"Well as long as I have a plan."

Austin chuckled and poured her own cup of coffee before sitting down at the table.

"What are you thinking about so hard?"

"Oh, just a million things that keep parading through my head like it's their own personal playground."

"I hate when that happens."

"I shouldn't even be worrying. Everything is done and ready. But I keep thinking, what if I forgot something. What if we lose the rings? What if we lose the marriage license? What if someone passes out or what if I don't fit in my dress or what if I can't get my hair to do what I want it to do or what if someone stands up and says we shouldn't get married or what if-"

"Stop it. None of that is going to happen. You're getting married and that's all there is to it. You won't lose the marriage license. You won't lose the rings. And if you do, that's why we got those cheap ones. No one is going to pass out. You'll fit in your dress just like you have the other twelve times you've tried it on. Your hair is going to be fine. No one is going to say you shouldn't get married because if they do I will maim them. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Now stop worrying, this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. You get to marry Adam. You like him, remember?"

"Yeah. I kind of wish that when we were talking about eloping we would have just done it."

"No, you shouldn't have."

"We never would have told anyone."

"Vile betrayer."

Lindsay smirked and sipped her coffee, feeling some of the stress abate.

"Plus, you have to survive the wedding to go on the honeymoon. I am dying to know where he's taking you."

"You're dying to know? How do you think I feel? He even packed my bag for me, so I have no clues here. At all."

"You have to let me know when you know or I'm going to spend the week really frustrated."

"I'll break the cardinal rule of no talking to friends on your honeymoon and let you know."

"Good. Now, you've got twelve hours left of being single. I think you should go back to bed and stretch out because you're never going to get it to yourself again."

"And there's the Austin perspective I know and love."

"You're welcome."

"But I am definitely not going to sleep after drinking coffee, so wanna find something on TV? My parents zoomed into the '90's and finally got a dish."

"Think we could find some _Gilmore girls_ on there?"

"I hope so."

* * *

Lindsay's heart beat faster with every passing moment and she kept taking breaths to try and slow it down. She wasn't nervous or having second thoughts. She was just excited. The only thing that was bugging her was her hair, which wouldn't do anything she asked it to do.

"You look like you're having issues," Stella noted.

"I just figured a little curlier would be nice and now I can't get it to stay up and when it does the curl falls out."

"I might know a trick or two. Can I try?"

"Bless you."

Stella worked for a moment, pulling back a few strands and securing them with the tiny hair clips.

"Done. What do you think?"

"Perfect. Thanks."

"No problem. What else do you need?"

"Um," she started, looking around the room and tapping her fingers together. "I don't think I need anything right now. I started getting ready too soon and now I have over an hour to sit here and wait."

"I have an idea. Where's the closest ice-cream place?"

"Are you serious?"

"Always."

Lindsay chuckled and gave Stella directions to the ice-cream parlor, then reached into her purse and pulled out a debit card.

"The best part about getting married is using Adam's money," she explained with a shrug. "He's trying to clean out the account anyway. The PIN is the last four digits of the card."

"Has he learned nothing from all the fraud cases we've worked?"

"You know, I brought that up, but he says that since it's touted as a stupid thing to do, most scam artists aren't going to bother trying it. I think he just felt bad that I called him on it."

"I don't have anything to say," Stella said with a shake of her head. "Be back in a bit."

Lindsay sighed and leaned back against the folding chair, closing her eyes for just a second to slow down and run through her mental list. It couldn't be right that everything was done. Something had to go wrong at the last minute. That happened at every wedding, didn't it? Maybe it wasn't something on her end. She picked up her phone and sent a text to Adam, asking him if everything was okay.

_Why, what have you heard?_

_That doesn't make me feel better._

_Everything is fine. Are you freaking out?_

_Maybe a little._

_Not cold feet I hope._

_No, my feet are pretty hot actually._

_I don't know how to reply to that._

_I was expecting an 'ooh baby baby' but we are in a church, so maybe that wouldn't be right._

_I'm saving that text forever._

_Okay. I feel better now. Except the part where my mom and Austin are discussing whether or not texting before the wedding is bad luck._

_I am pretty sure we're golden either way._

_Me too. I love you._

_I love you too. One hour.

* * *

_

As promised, the ceremony was short and to the point without excessive mushiness. The little church was small which meant that the wedding party was small and so was the guest list. It made things a lot easier on both of them, and as they hopped into the car to drive the mile to the grange hall where they were having the reception, they both sighed, then looked at each other.

"That really just happened," she said with a grin.

"It really did."

"So you know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think we should forget the reception, let the rest of them eat cake, and you and I should just take off."

"Oh you think so, huh?"

"Well no, but it would make a good story."

She gave him a bright smile and he reached up to push a curl off of her forehead.

"You're beautiful."

"Thank you."

He pulled her closer and kissed her, letting all the stress and rushing of the day melt into this slow moment. He held her close and gentle, their kisses soft and lazy. Tongues chased and retreated and after a moment he pulled away, his eyes staring deep into hers.

"I want you," he whispered. Her face took on a pink tinge and she smiled, sliding her hands up his chest and around his neck.

"I echo that sentiment, which is why I suggested blowing off the reception."

He chuckled a little and shook his head.

"We can always leave early," he suggested. She nodded in agreement and returned to her own seat.

"Drive on, husband."

* * *

A/N: Like I'd leave you there! The reception just needs its own chapter, that's all.


	28. Chapter 28

A/N: And now you're all privy to my deepest desires. Those who can't do, write.

* * *

Country music, laughter, and the sound of dancing feet filled the grange hall. The door was open to let in some fresh air, and the lights made the whole room warm and cozy. Mason jars full of daisies sat in the middle of every table and there was a full fledged game of horseshoes going on outside.

Adam was carting Hannah around on his hip; she was tired from her duties as a flower girl and wary of all the people around her, so she clung to him like a monkey. He'd tried to talk her into going to play with Tessa, but she was quite content right here. Lindsay had been effectively taken hostage by her well intentioned extended family, who loved and missed her and felt that her wedding was the perfect opportunity to "catch up." He didn't mind much, especially not when he caught her eye from across the room and she gave him a little smile.

"Hey buddy," Danny started, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "My neck gettin' red?"

"Not really. You think the disease of being a hick is catching?"

"Could be. Kinda nice out here though. I can't think without street noise. It's a good break."

"I know what you mean."

"Hey, Mac sent me over here to give you some tips on married life, so look like I'm sayin' somethin' important."

"What, you don't have tips on married life?"

"Just when I think I do, that one over there goes and turns the tables on me."

"So maybe being flexible would be a good idea?"

"Yeah. And don't leave underwear on the floor. Drives 'em batty."

"Got it."

"Other than that, I got nothin'. But see now you've joined the ranks, so anything you find out, you gotta pass on."

"Will do."

Danny shook his hand then leaned a little closer, whispering in quite the conspiratorial manner.

"I've also been sent to ask about cake. As in when are we havin' it and what kind is it? Austin and Stella are gettin' cranky."

"I hear tell that they had ice-cream already today. As for the cake, you're going to have to ask Lindsay. All the input I had was I wanted a piece with lots of frosting."

"That's life man."

"I want cake too," Hannah said, lifting her head from Adam's shoulder and rubbing her eyes.

"I bet you do."

"I want it to be chocolate," she said, perking up a little. "Could I have a big piece?"

"We'll see what mom says. Why don't you go find her?"

She nodded and he put her down and she skipped off to find her mom while Adam caught Lindsay's eye and motioned for her to come over.

"Oh my word, if I had to hear my aunt prattle on about her trip to Oklahoma one more time, I was going to pelt her with a Jordan almond."

"You're welcome."

"What did you beckon for?"

"The natives are getting restless and demanding cake."

"Alright, but if you shove it in my face, you're going to be finding it in places you never knew you never knew."

"What if I gently push it?"

"I'll gently push you," she retorted with a quirk of her eyebrow.

"You guys are weird," Danny offered.

"Yeah we know."

"At least we're keeping our weirdness between the two of us. You know, not spreading the genes over the general population."

"That's charming, babe. Really."

He grinned and they moved to the table to cut the cake, not making a big production of it, or caring who saw or took pictures. This day was about marriage, not about the traditions and expectations, not about a big party and cake.

"What kind is it?" Hannah asked, her eyes wide as she stood next to the table, licking her lips.

"It's chocolate with raspberry filling."

"Can I see?"

"Sure."

Lindsay picked her up and Hannah grinned, leaning over to look. It was a simple three tiered cake with a light brown fondant over the top. There was a sage green ribbon on the bottom of each square tier, and the largest cake had flat fondant trees on the sides.

"Does it taste as pretty as it looks?"

"I think so," Lindsay replied with a chuckle. "Steal a bite from your brother's plate."

Adam gave Lindsay a look but fed Hannah a forkful of cake anyway.

"Ooh, that's fabulous! Can I have more?"

"Yeah. Why don't you ask mom if she'll cut some slices."

"Man, I gotta ask mom everything!"

"I'll make sure you get a big piece," Lindsay promised, kissing her cheek and setting her back down on the ground.

"Thanks new sister."

* * *

Stella frowned and eyed Mac warily as he finished off his piece of cake.

"What?"

"I don't trust you," she said, taking note of the raspberry filling he had left on his plate.

"Stell, it's me. I would never do anything mean to you."

"Really? Am I mistaken or was it you that rigged my desk drawer with a popper that exploded when I opened it?"

"That was an experiment in how loud you could scream."

"And how mad you would get," Danny added, smirking as he twisted a strand of Austin's hair around his finger. "He was plannin' that one for weeks."

"It took you weeks to plan that?"

Mac glared at her and swiped some cake filling onto her nose. She sighed and wiped it off then held her finger out to him.

"Can't waste it."

Grinning, he grabbed her finger and before any of them could say a word, he had licked the filling off and treated her to a smug look.

"Flack's gonna be ticked that he missed that," Austin commented to Lindsay who nodded.

"We really need to invest in a camera anytime we get these two away from the lab."

"I concur."

"Hey babe, wanna dance?" Danny asked, earning a look from Austin.

"How much punch have you had and what was it spiked with?"

"I dunno. Linds?"

"Nah, we checked everyone for flasks at the door. I wasn't going to keep up the tradition of Uncle Rodney playing the spoons on grandma's walker while his wife danced to music only she could hear."

"Nothin' like a family to screw up a family," Austin said, chewing on a buttermint.

"I thought it was family to screw up a wedding."

"It was both."

"Oh yeah, you're right. Junie and MoMo."

"Adam, do you have any idea what they're sayin'?"

"I never do. I figure it's better that way."

"Wise. You gonna dance with me or not, Graceless?"

"I guess, but nothin' fancy. Just a box step."

"Oh look who's all snazzy knowin' the technical terms."

"Are you gonna dance or are you gonna give me more reasons to make you sleep on the couch?"

"I got told," he said, standing up and taking her out to the dance floor.

"How 'bout you Stell? Want to go for a spin?"

"Are you asking me to dance, Mac Taylor?"

"I thought that was clear."

She grinned and took his hand while Lindsay and Adam sat back in their chairs, watching their friends with a smile.

"Wanna go join?" he asked, taking her hand.

"Maybe in a little while."

He nodded and pulled her into his lap and pressing a kiss to her shoulder.

"Was today everything you wanted it to be?"

"Well we're married now, so yes."

"I mean all the extra stuff."

"It's perfect," she said, leaning down to kiss him. "I wouldn't change a thing."

* * *

The sun was getting ready to set by the time they left the reception. They were having fun and enjoying being with their families but it was time for them to go and just be the two of them. They said their goodbyes and were almost out the door when Hannah ran up to them, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Don't go away Brudder!" she said, hugging his legs. He crouched down and hugged her, then wiped her tears away.

"We're just going on a little vacation, squirt."

"But I don't want you to go!"

"I have to. We'll come and visit you as soon as we can."

"Both of you, right?"

"Yeah, me and Lindsay come as a pair now."

"Okay," she sniffled. "Bring me back a good present, okay?"

"We will."

"Don't let him forget, okay Lindsay?"

"I won't, Hannie."

They each gave her a hug and a kiss, then headed outside, walking quickly through the slight drizzle to the car.

"I am so tired," she said as the doors closed behind them and he started the car.

"How tired?"

"Well I guess only a little tired," she said with a smile. "Where are we going?"

"You just wait until we get there."

"We're getting there tonight?"

"Tonight is just a pit-stop. Tomorrow is the real deal."

"You're going to keep this a secret as long as you can, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am."

"You're going to blindfold me and put a bag over my head and when the whole thing is over I still won't know where we went, will I?"

"You're smart, I'm sure you could figure it out."

She smiled and squeezed his hand, watching as the town whipped by her window. After all the stress and planning she felt like she could finally relax.

"How long are we going to be driving?"

"Long enough for that nap you want."

"Are you sure?"

"I don't want you falling asleep later."

"Alright," she said with a little chuckle, curling into the seat and keeping a hold on his hand. She was glad they had changed into regular clothes before leaving, because trying to sleep in the car while wearing her wedding dress would not be comfortable. Her eyes closed and took a deep breath, trying to settle her nerves. Maybe it wasn't so much nerves as it was the emotions of the day catching up with her. She ran through it all in her head, wanting to remember every little thing. The way Adam had danced with Hannah, spinning her around the room like a ballerina. The smiles that Mac and Stella shared when they didn't know anyone was looking. The way Austin had teased her about making out in the parking lot. How she knew that Austin had pulled Danny into the bathroom for a make out session twenty minutes later. They way her dad cried when he gave her away, how her brothers had all shaken Adam's hand just a little too hard. She felt herself drifting off to sleep and she let it take her.

It wasn't much longer before she felt a hand on her cheek and a kiss on her forehead. She opened her eyes and gave Adam a sleepy smile.

"Hi. Where are we?"

"Little cabin in the woods," he sing-songed.

"Mmm. It's raining."

He nodded in the almost darkness.

"Wanna go play in it?"

"Shouldn't we take our stuff inside first?"

"I already did. C'mon."

He helped her out of the car and their Converse clad feet pounded against the earth as they ran across the grassy field. It was cold and they were getting completely soaked but neither of them cared. They splashed through puddles and laughed like children, spinning in circles until they were totally dizzy. They crashed into each other and stumbled a little, righting themselves just before they reached the point of no return and toppled to the ground. He wrapped his arms around her and dipped his head down, kissing her for all he was worth. She responded in kind, pulling him closer, clutching his wet t-shirt in her hands. He dropped his arms from her waist then hoisted her up higher, her legs around him, hooked at the ankle. They broke the kiss both panting slightly, her forehead resting on his.

"All we need is a lake and this would be just like that scene from _The Notebook_."

"Don't ruin it!" she exclaimed, slapping his shoulder playfully. He grinned and kissed her again slowly, exploring places they had never been before.

"I love you Lindsay," he breathed.

Her stomach was flipping and shimmying in so many directions that she could barely speak.

"I love you too, Adam."

He made his way back to the cabin, carrying her as best he could over the uneven ground while her lips flitted all over his neck.

"Which side of the bed do you want?" he asked once he got the door open.

"Yours," she answered, her voice throaty, a tone he had never heard from her before. He chuckled and walked inside, kicking the door closed behind them.


	29. Chapter 29

Lindsay blew her hair off of her forehead and sighed before collapsing onto the couch. She was sweaty, dusty, and tired, and from the sounds in the bedroom, she was sure Adam wasn't going to have the bed assembled by the time she was ready to climb into it.

They'd been back from their honeymoon for a day and had spent the majority of that time settling into their new apartment. They had had movers deliver all their stuff while they were gone, but they still had to unpack. So far half the kitchen was done, and the couch was in the proper place. Everything else looked like a second hand store had thrown up.

"Hey hon?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any idea where I might procure a hex key?"

She just looked at him, an eyebrow raised.

"Do I look like I know?"

"It's going to be the mattress on the floor tonight if I don't get one."

"Better than just the floor like last night."

"You're cranky."

"Not really, I'm just… Yeah, I am kind of cranky. I need food."

"I suppose we're going to the store then," he said. She sighed and gave him a pouty face.

"But… I'm so tired."

"I'll go to the store if you finish in the kitchen. And then later we'll go real grocery shopping like a little old lady and a little old man and people will comment about how cute we are. Deal?"

"I'm so in."

He chuckled and leaned over the back of the couch to kiss her.

"I'll be back. Love you."

"Love you too."

He grabbed his keys off the counter and headed out the door while she rolled off the couch and pulled her hair back into an elastic band. She really wanted to open a window, but it was a lot colder outside than she could stand, so she stood in front of the open, empty fridge for a moment before sitting down on the floor with a box of kitchen stuff.

"Two microwaves and not one working toaster," she mumbled, shaking her head and examining the 50 year old toaster that had come from the depths of one of their kitchens. She had no idea how they had accumulated so much crap in their lives, but she was pretty sure they were going to be making several trips to the dumpster in the next few days.

The current silence was driving her nuts, so she found her laptop and turned it on, trying to figure out what to listen to as it started up. Country was a fallback option- always there, always good, but not necessarily what she wanted at the moment. She scrolled lazily through her playlists and finally just hit shuffle.

Her instant messenger buzzed and she clicked on it, finding a message from Austin.

_You're home?_

_Yeah, got home last night._

_And you didn't let me know? Fail._

_Sorry, I was a little distracted._

_Dirty._

_Maybe a little. What's up?_

_Nothing. Pulled a graveyard. Went to bed. Woke up three hours later. And Danny's not home._

_You're bored._

_I thought about taking a pill and going back to sleep, but those things always have bad side effects. _

_Agreed._

_So what's up with you? You guys went to Mars for all I know._

_No, not Mars._

_Well where then? Geez, you said you would tell me as soon as you knew._

_We didn't have cell reception. Otherwise your inbox would be full of pictures of some very interesting characters._

_Pray tell._

_We went on a cruise. Canada and Alaska._

_Heh, boat sex._

_Don't be gross. And yeah. But let me just say. Most of our shipmates were older couples. _

_And?_

_They've been together so long, they're comfortable just letting themselves go. Also comfortable enough to walk around the boat in pretty much nothing. I saw way more skin than I was planning on._

_Yikes._

_It was fine the first day. Then one guy wore a Speedo, and it seemed like it became the cool thing to do._

_Oh noooo._

_Aust, you have no idea. It was… oh man. I can't even… we had to figure out when people went to the pool and rearrange our lives so we ended up there before them. By the end of the week we knew the schedules of the scantily clad like the backs of… their backs._

_If you could see how hard I am laughing right now…_

_There was this one guy. I can't even think about it without shuddering. We nicknamed him Loose Larry. You can take that however you want and you'll probably be right._

_That's frightening Linds._

_You're not kidding._

_Hey Danny just came home and he wants to watch a movie. _

_Okay. I've got to get this kitchen done before Adam gets back anyway. _

_We'll talk later. Love you_

_Love you too._

She signed off and clicked through her iTunes until it played a song she liked. Sitting down on the floor again, she opened another box, finding her mixing bowls. She unwrapped them and stuck them in a cabinet. It didn't take her long to get into a rhythm, and when Adam returned, she was deciding which drawer to put the silverware into.

"Hey babe. Wow, you really got stuff done."

"Yeah. Now if I can remember where everything is, we'll call it good."

He helped her up from the floor and pulled her into a hug, kissing her forehead.

"What's that for?" she asked with a smile.

"Just cuz I'm allowed," he replied, shrugging. "I got fried chicken for dinner."

"I can smell that. Good choice."

"I figured that a little artery clogging once in a while couldn't hurt."

"Certainly not. Did you find a hex key?"

"Surprisingly yes. Give me twenty minutes and that mess in there is going to start to resemble a bedroom."

"I don't enjoy living like this," she said, looking around the kitchen. "People are always like 'Hey, think outside the box!' I hate boxes."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know," she muttered, burying her face in his chest. "Man you smell good."

"Yeah?"

"Mmm-hmm."

She took a deep breath and clasped her hands against the small of his back.

"I'm so tired."

"Me too."

"Work tomorrow."

"I don't want to go back either," he said, kissing her hair. "Wanna call in sick?"

"Yeah, like Mac would be fooled by that."

"We could have come down with food poisoning from airplane food."

"And no lawsuit in the works? What kind of people are we?"

"Lazy ones."

"At least we've found our niche."

He chuckled and ran his fingers through her hair.

"I love you, Linds."

"I love you too."

They stood there quietly for almost ten minutes, just holding each other. She marveled at the way her heart still beat faster when his arms were around her, how his smile still made her weak at the knees, how the mere mention of his name almost caused her to blush.

"Let's eat dinner before it gets cold," he suggested finally.

"Then you can put the bed together and I'll stand there laughing while you curse."

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Several hours later they were curled up in bed, eyes at half mast and breathing slowly. Her fingers danced over his chest in nonsensical patterns and her hair had almost gone completely flat from his fingers running through it. They didn't say a word, but every few minutes she would lift her head from his chest and stretch up to kiss him. She'd settle herself back down and they would continue the ministrations, creating a new splinter of connection before sleep took them.

"Oh, I almost forgot," she said suddenly, fighting a yawn.

"What?"

"I got something for you."

She rolled over and grabbed the object off of the night stand and handed it to him.

"Happy one week anniversary."

He chuckled and inspected the completely intact bubblewrap.

"I saved every single piece for you, and I didn't pop even one."

"You are the best wife ever and I am a very big fan of the one week anniversary."

"Me too."

His hands slid down and rested on the small of her back, pulling her has close as she possibly could be.

"Night, love."

"Night."

Tomorrow reality would come back and make them busy and frustrated, but tonight they were still on vacation, they were still just the two of them, and that was the only thing that mattered in the world.


	30. Chapter 30

A/N: 30 chapters? Really? That is INSANE.

* * *

"Babe, we've got to stop eating in bed," Lindsay said, snapping the clean sheet and settling it over the mattress.

"What? Why?"

"There were crumbs everywhere!"

"But cookies and milk in bed, that's our Saturday night thing."

"Well then you're going to have to be a little neater because ninety percent of the crumbs were on your side."

"My side? We both sleep in the middle."

"Your side of the middle then."

"What about your ten percent?"

"I'm confident in saying those are your spillover from when you kiss me goodnight."

"You gonna test DNA on all the crumbs?" Adam asked, raising an eyebrow in jest, but not really putting it past her to win this round of banter with science.

"You never know," she shrugged. "Can you tuck in that side?"

"See, you said _that_ side. Not my side. That side. Not possessed by anyone and-"

"Adam, just tuck."

"I amuse you, admit it."

"I admit it."

The grin made him want to crawl across the bed and grab her, throw her down against the mattress and show her just how amusing he could be. But he refrained, for he knew how she hated to have something unexpected thrown into their schedule.

"I don't want to go shopping," she said finally, standing up and rubbing her eyes.

"You don't… wait. What?"

"We only have one day off together every week and I don't really want to spend it shopping for laundry detergent and pasta and socks and another bookcase."

"You don't want to be domestic?" he asked, pulling her into his arms.

"No, I do. I just wish we didn't have such crazy work schedules."

"Yeah. But look at Austin and Danny. They almost never have a real day off together."

"Seriously. I don't know how they do that."

"I'm guessing that they have had to figure it all out. Just like we will."

"I know. I'm sorry honey."

"Sorry for what?"

"I've been grumpy lately. I feel like I've just been so negative and whiny and just horrible to live with."

"You haven't, honey. We've both been working so much and while I can function on three hours of sleep a night, you so can't. But you haven't been negative or whiny or horrible to live with. The best part of the day is coming home to you, even if it's just for ten minutes before you have to leave. And I really hate when our shifts conflict and I don't even see you for a day. But it's becoming more normal and it's getting easier too. You're just tired."

"I don't sleep well when you're gone."

"I know. Why don't we go get these errands out of the way and then I'll treat you to a couch nap?"

"You're perfect. Have I mentioned that lately?"

"This morning, when I let you have the rest of the Fruity Pebbles."

"You're so good to me."

"Remember that next time I forget to take out the garbage."

"Will do."

They smiled and he kissed her softly.

"Let's get out of here. Race you to the car!"

He let go of her and ran towards the door.

"You may be serious, but I'm not racing!"

"I get to pick the music then."

"Dad blast it!" she shouted, taking off after him.

* * *

"I don't know," Lindsay said, biting her lip. "What do you think?"

"You look beautiful. Just like in all the other dresses."

"That's not what I was asking. Will it be okay for that stupid fundraiser?"

"Yes."

"Are you getting bored? I'm sorry, I forgot I needed something to wear and it's this weekend and-"

"Hon, it's okay. This one, the blue one or the green one."

"Green."

"Problem solved. Now, back into your normal clothes and we can go home."

"Okay."

She turned and went back into the dressing room and he sighed, chuckling a little. The quick errands to pick up some essentials had turned into a frantic search for a dress to wear to a mandatory fundraiser. She'd picked seven dresses off the rack in less than five minutes and tried them all on in the space of fifteen. He wasn't complaining if he could barely pick out which silly boxers to buy in fifteen minutes. She was always concerned with his comfort and whether or not she was putting him out that he worried that she would lose herself. It wasn't that they weren't comfortable and open with each other as much as she wanted him to be happy.

What she didn't know was that he was happy in a way that he was sure no one else had ever been. Even when he wasn't thinking about it, he was happy. He was pretty sure she was too, but now it was on his mind and he would have to make certain.

She emerged from the dressing room, the green dress slung over her arm.

"Okay, let's go."

"C'mere," he said, drawing her into his arms. "Are you happy?"

"Yeah. Really happy."

"Good. Groceries then home?"

"Yes please."

* * *

"Panburger Partner?" Lindsay asked, inspecting the box Adam had thrown in the cart. "It's bad enough that you're craving Hamburger Helper, but this?"

"What? It's cheaper!"

"There might be a reason for that, hon. Spend the extra quarter and get the real stuff if you must."

"We're supposed to be struggling newlyweds, living on love."

"That's nice, but no. You won't even eat off brand macaroni and cheese, and this box will sit in the cupboard for years until it becomes an object of family folklore."

"Okay, okay, I'll get the real stuff. I noticed you got the store brand spaghetti sauce."

"Well yeah, but its better."

"How is that different?"

"It just is. Fall in line soldier."

He rolled his eyes and followed her down the aisle. He was used to picking up the bare essentials at the bodega, so this shopping in an actual grocery store was strange. At first he had been like a kid in a candy store, throwing things in to the cart that he hadn't seen since he lived in Phoenix. Then he got tired of walking around and started to make their food talk. Now he was just bored.

"There's only a couple things left on my list and then we can go. Okay?"

"Alright."

"And one of those things is ice-cream."

"You actually put ice-cream on your list? I thought you said it was an impulse buy."

"It is when you already have some. But we're all out. I think two gallons should be good for now."

"I knew there was a reason I married you."

"Yeah, buried deep in our relationship is the love for ice-cream and the clincher in our union."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed, distracted as his eyes roamed all over the brands and flavors. She shook her head as he stood debating the Rocky Road and the Rocky Road with extra caramel. He actually took them both out of the freezer and compared calories, as if that really mattered.

"Extra caramel," he decided finally, placing it into the cart. "Do you want strawberry or strawberry cheesecake?"

"Cheesecake definitely."

"What else is on the list?"

"Depends on what you want for dinner tonight."

"Are you on the list?"

"That was cheesy and gross."

"You totally set yourself up for it."

"I realize that."

"Can we have fish for dinner? We hardly ever have fish."

"You want to save a quarter on the Panburger Partner, but you'll spring for fish?"

"I'm an enigma and you love me."

"I just can't help myself," she said, pushing the cart towards the seafood section. "What kind do you want?"

"Whatever you know how to cook."

"It's fish. Pretty easy. Do you want salmon? Tilapia? Cod?"

"Cod. Or shrimp."

"You're not helping. Go stand over there."

"Yes ma'am."

She said it with a twinkle in her eye and he chuckled as he walked away. He loved their banter, even if she was better at it and caused him to be the butt of all her jokes. She needed to laugh and she wasn't doing it at his expense any more than he did it at hers. Give and take on a level it was probably never intended to be on.

"Okay, we're ready," she said.

He took the cart from her and they walked to the check out where he threw a few candy bars onto the conveyor belt.

"Marriage is going to make us fat," she noted with a grin.

"I'll still love you if you'll still love me."

"Deal."

* * *

"Linds, I love how strong willed you are, but we can't both lead here."

She just smiled as he spun her out and then back to him, narrowly missing the coffee table in the process. This was the wrong type of music to be doing this type of dance to, but no one could see them and they were kind of outside the bell curve anyway.

"Okay you can lead, but don't step on my toe again."

"Don't put your foot under mine."

Their eyes met and they smiled, slowing their dance to a gentle sway. They were both experiencing a loss of words, a complete vacation of anything coherent. It was in these moments that they both felt it so deep and fresh and consuming that just experiencing it together was enough. Their foreheads touched and he rubbed his nose gently against hers.

"This is perfect," she whispered, blinking slowly. "Can we keep this forever?"

"I have no objection to that," he said with a smile.

They continued to move slowly until they almost stopped, the beat of the music the last thing on their minds. Her hand rested on the back of his neck and she urged him down the few inches, pressing her lips to his.

"Stop worrying," he said, his voice low.

"What?"

"I know you wonder about it. If I'll ever leave you."

He head hung low for he was right, she did worry. Not because she didn't trust him, but because that was her greatest fear. It was hard not to think about it, not to worry, not to be petrified that she was going to drive him away.

"I won't leave you, Lindsay. There is nothing that exists that could make me. Nothing. I love you. Really, really love you. I wouldn't even leave if you wanted me to."

"I know. It's just… I want you to be happy. As happy as I am."

"I am married to the woman that I love more than anything else in the world. I'm happy. And if I'm ever not, I'll tell you. Okay?"

"Alright."

She pulled herself closer and let him wrap around her, feeling silly for wondering, but better for bringing it up. Love like this, it took her by such surprise that she had to sometimes stop and sort it out. She'd never seen it before and certainly never felt it. And every day as it grew, it became even more bewildering. She wouldn't trade any of it in for understanding, not one little bit.


	31. Chapter 31

The door slammed open and then closed, startling Adam nearly out of his spot on the couch. He looked up and found Lindsay as close to fuming as he had ever seen her.

"What. Happened?"

She shook her head and sighed, flopping down on the couch next to him. Her arms crossed over her chest and she bit her lip, a sure sign that she'd had a bad day.

"I've got ten minutes," he said, settling his arms around her. "Spill."

"I got into an argument with Stella," she started. "And we argue all the time over cases, so it wasn't that big of a deal. But somehow Austin got into it and it just… it was stupid but I'm still bugged."

"Honey, the three of you have worked almost every case together for the last month. The days off have been few and far between and this was bound to happen. You and Stella will get over it, you always do. And you and Austin are best friends. You can't go that long without talking. And if you do, Danny and I are going to be the ones suffering the chatty repercussions. Keep that in mind."

She scowled and propped her feet up on the coffee table.

"I hate fighting."

"I know."

"Oh well."

"What are you going to do tonight?"

"Laundry. You wear a lot of clothes."

"And you don't?"

"Mine are smaller."

"We'll debate this later," he said, standing up. "I gotta go."

"When are you going to be home?"

"Probably around midnight. You gonna wait up?"

"Depends," she said with a shrug and a grin.

"On what?"

"Mmm, how you say goodbye."

He raised an eyebrow and leaned down to kiss her, chuckling when she grabbed his shirt and pulled him down further.

"Linds."

"What? I'm just trying to help your chances here."

"Thanks for looking out for me babe. I gotta go."

"Be safe."

He kissed her again and headed out the door, leaving her alone with the TV, the computer, and two cats. She sighed and grabbed the remote, turning the TV on and flipping through the channels once before the phone rang.

"Hello."

"Hey."

"Hi Stell."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Want to get coffee in the morning?"

"Always."

"I'm glad we could have this little chat."

"Me too. See you in the morning."

She hung up and sighed again as the tabby-cat jumped up onto the couch with her, mewing softly and nuzzling her leg.

"Hey Chewbacca," she greeted, scratching him behind the ear. "Did Adam feed you?"

He meowed in response and she stood up, heading for the kitchen.

"Aw, Fluffy," she groaned, finding cat food all over the floor. Fluffy had a habit of pawing food out of her dish before she ate it, but hadn't figured out how to put the food back in when she was done. Lindsay scooped the food off the floor and put it back in the dish, then moved to fill Chewbacca's bowl as well. He meowed his appreciation and she replaced the water in the dish with fresh, then went into the bedroom to change. Adam's clothes were all over the floor and he hadn't made the bed either. She was betting he hadn't even crawled out of it until noon anyway. She considered making it but figured it was a waste of energy that she didn't have. Instead she changed into sweats and one of Adam's t-shirts, then threw all their dirty clothes into a basket before taking them over to the washer. They'd been lucky to find a cheap apartment that had a washer and dryer, and the novelty of it still hadn't worn off, so they were doing more loads than they really needed to. She separated the lights and darks then started a load and went back to the couch. She hated when Adam was at work and she was home. There was nothing to do to occupy her time. Anything she thought of required energy and movement and was immediately rejected.

She grabbed her cell phone off the table, figuring she should call Taylor since they hadn't talked in three weeks.

"Hey Lindsay," Taylor said in greeting.

"Hey doll face. What's going on?"

"Nothing. It's snowing again."

"Where are you?"

"Your parents house. Mom hasn't been home in a week. And our heat got shut off, so your dad came and picked me up a few days ago."

"Oh Tay."

"It's alright. Your mom made me pie."

"You don't have to be so brave all the time."

"I know. I get bothered sometimes but right now I am watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate and I just don't have time to be annoyed. What are you up to?"

"Slowly melting into the couch."

"A useful endeavor. When are you guys coming back to town?"

"Not for a while. We used all our vacation time already. Maybe we'll just have to fly you out this summer."

"Seriously?" she screeched. "We could really do that?"

"Of course."

"That would be… epic."

"Yeah, pretty much. Hey, how's the boyfriend?"

"You can call him by his name, Lindsay."

"No, because in my head you're still ten and your boyfriends are amorphous or famous or both."

"You sound like your mom."

"Geez I'm old."

"Codger."

"Yeah yeah. Shut up and answer my question."

"Thaddeus is fine," she said, stressing his name. "He's a good guy Lindsay. And I'm a good girl. And if he treats me like crap I'm out. I promise."

"I know. But he's your first boyfriend and I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I appreciate that. But you have to let me grow up sometime."

"I am going to be a wreck when I have kids someday."

"And when is that going to be?"

"Oh hush."

"What? Am I not allowed to ask you stuff?"

"No, you're allowed."

"So when are you going to pop out an infant?"

"I don't know yet," she answered with a chuckle. "About nine months after I get pregnant I would assume."

"Specifically vague. I do not accept this answer."

"It'll happen when it happens, if you must know. Right now we're still getting used to being married. I don't know if we're ready for two a.m. feedings and baby poop."

"Well okay. But I want a phone call when it happens."

"You'll get one. Is there anything going on with you that you don't want to tell me but you need to?"

Taylor sighed.

"I started the process to get emancipated."

"Whoa."

"Yeah. I have to be living out of my mom's house and have my own income, but really that's the majority of it. Except she may have to approve, depending on the judge. Your parents said I could live here as long as I stay in school and keep my job and pay some rent. Which works fine for me. I haven't talked to my dad yet, but I don't see why he would say no. And my mom just has to be sober enough to sign her name to a document, so cross your fingers for that."

"Are you absolutely sure this is what you want?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Then I'm behind you one hundred percent. Just don't screw up majorly or you get to go to big people prison."

"I don't screw up majorly. I am pretty much incapable of doing stupid stuff. That was you who drove the snowmobile through the high school."

"Do as I say, not as I do."

"You always say that."

"I've never steered you wrong yet."

"Yeah. Hey, I gotta go, dinner's ready."

"You get to eat my mom's cooking and I sit here needing to go grocery shopping again because Adam is a bottomless pit. Where is the fairness in this?"

"I'll think of a snappy comment later. Love you Lindsay."

"I love you too kid."

* * *

"Hey Lindsay," Mac said, meeting her as she walked towards the lab.

"Hey Mac."

"I need you to do me a favor."

"Nothing good ever came from that phrase."

"We're having a surprise inspection."

"Not much of a surprise if they tell you, is it?"

"I guess not. I need you to clean some of the photo processors."

"Mac, is this punishment for arguing with Stella yesterday?" she asked, only half joking.

"No, it's because you're the only one who knows what you're doing. You said half the job in Bozeman was machine maintenance because you guys could never afford to get anything fixed."

"I never should have said that."

"You know that this makes you indispensable, right? And that's job security right there."

"I am comforted in knowing that my education and experience doesn't play into my indispensability at all."

He smirked and nodded, then headed for his office. Grimacing, she turned on her heel and walked to the back corner of the lab where the huge photo processor stood. They used it to print off crime scene photos for the files, as sending them out to a company would be a security issue. They also had a film processor on the off chance that there was a film camera at a crime scene. Both machines were always on, though the former was used exponentially more than the latter.

She tackled the printer first, taking off the cover and pulling out the first filter. It was hot and caked with a clay-like substance, and smelled disgustingly interesting. She took it over to the sink and rinsed it. It took a toothbrush to get it clean and she was almost done when Austin walked up beside her.

"Hey Aust."

"Hey."

They looked at each other for a minute before Lindsay sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"Man I'm glad you said it first. I kind of find it impossible."

"Well, I've had a lot of practice," Lindsay replied, finishing with the filter and turning around to replace it in the machine. "So are we still on for dinner with the boys tomorrow night?"

"If I can convince Danny that bowling is a totally manly sport, we're so on."

"You know, I only added the bowling because Adam says we're not old enough to just have dinner."

"But not young enough to go to the sock hop afterwards?"

"I suppose that's the case."

"The things we do for the insecurities of our men."

"They should worship the ground we walk on."

"Pretty sure they already do."

Lindsay nodded and finished with the second filter, replacing it in the machine and sighing.

"Aust, is there something else going on with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're been a little abnormal lately. I mean, abnormal for you."

"Thanks?"

"You've been quiet and just not yourself."

"It might be the weather."

"You and I both know it's not."

Austin sighed and leaned back against the counter, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

"I guess there's some stuff. I just don't know if I want to talk about it right now."

"Well if you ever do…"

"You'll be my first call."

"Okay."

"I've got to get back to work. I'll call you later and we can figure out times for tomorrow night."

"Alright. Love you with my guts."

"Love you with my guts too."

* * *

This time when Lindsay came home she opened and closed the door in the proper manner and found Adam sitting at the kitchen table, paying the bills.

"Hey babe. Everything back to normal?"

"Yeah. Are you doing the bills?"

"I sure am. Pretty sure I did them right the first time too. And dinner's in the oven."

"You gonna be Mr. Mom someday?"

"I wouldn't go that far."

She grinned and settled herself in his lap, sighing as he cradled her in his arms.

"Thank you," she said after a minute.

"For what?"

"Doing the bills. Making dinner. Listening to me yesterday instead of trying to fix it yourself."

"You're welcome."

"I have court in the morning," she sighed. "Want to stay up late and help me get ready?"

"Always."

She smiled and relaxed into the comfort of his arms, glad to be home where he was the only one that needed her.


	32. Chapter 32

It was four a.m. when Adam finally dragged himself home. It had been a long shift to begin with, but the minutes had just passed and passed and the work just piled higher. Finally at the fourteen hour mark, Mac had told him to call it quits and head home.

The lights were off and he tip-toed into the bedroom, hoping he wouldn't wake Lindsay. She was curled up on the edge of the bed not facing the middle of the bed, which was her usual sleeping position.

Something had to be wrong.

His suspicions were confirmed when he touched her shoulder and she nearly jumped out of her skin.

"Babe, what's the matter?"

Her breathing was fast and he spooned up behind her, rubbing his hand up and down her shoulder until she calmed. It took a while and he really wanted to ask her again what was wrong, but he knew she needed time. Eventually she rolled over and looked at him, taking a deep breath.

"I got a letter today," she whispered. "I shouldn't have opened it. And when I opened it and saw who it was from, I shouldn't have read it."

"Who was it from honey?"

Her voice was almost non-existent when she answered.

"It was from him."

He didn't have to ask to know who him was. His stomach coiled at the thought and he held her tighter, once again wishing he could take this away. Just when life settled, just when she was peaceful and happy, it came back.

"What did he want?"

"He said since I witnessed him once, he wants me to do it again."

"What does that mean?"

"Lethal injection. He wants me there. He said he would tell me why."

Adam was completely lost for words, and that hardly ever happened. He didn't know what to think, and he could feel a rage boiling up in him, one that he had never felt before. It wasn't fair for her to hurt like this, again and again and again. He was supposed to protect her and make her feel safe. She was supposed to smile and laugh and never again think about the horrible things that had happened to her because of this psychopath. He wanted to go down to whichever state this guy was in now and beat them to the execution. Never once had he felt such a murderous surge before. It would have scared him if it wasn't so justified.

As he held her, he could feel her start to spiral downhill, her breathing becoming more erratic, her words jumbling together in strings of nonsense. She was trying so hard to tell him, so hard to get it out, but her inability was frustrating her even more. She couldn't breathe as she was so he sat them up, keeping her in his lap and pressed close to him.

"I can't. I don't know. Breathing. Her eyes. He was there. I didn't. Scared. Just remembered. No please."

He rocked her and shushed her and she trembled against him, unable to even cry.

"I'm right here, baby. Right here. I have you and you're safe."

He knew her mind was drifting back to that place, back to that time; he could tell by the pitch of her voice and the way she circled her arms around herself.

"Safe," she repeated, letting the word fall from her lips and break the treadmill of shards of memory. "I'm safe."

"You're safe," he agreed, pressing a kiss to her forehead and rubbing her back.

"I remembered something. I buried it so far down."

"What is it?"

It was several minutes before she answered, four quiet words that broke his heart for her once more.

"Kelly was still breathing."

As soon as she was rid of the confession the tears came. She buried herself in him, holding tighter than she ever had before. He didn't know what to say so he just held her, tears slipping down his own cheeks as he listened to her anguish.

"I couldn't help her. I wanted to but I couldn't touch her. And her eyes opened and then closed again and she stopped breathing."

She tried to tell him more, but she was stuttering now, hiccupping and gasping and incapable of even one word. He'd watched her struggle with this, had seen her nightmares and held her as she cried, but never had he seen her this bad. Maybe it was because she'd spent all these years without this memory that now that it was out, it was as fresh as if it was still happening.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered. "It should have been me."

"No."

The word was so firm that she looked up at him in wonderment, having mostly forgotten he was there.

"It shouldn't have been you. It shouldn't have been anyone."

"I couldn't do anything. She just died. I couldn't save her. I couldn't save any of them."

"But you did. You gave them justice. You have done more than anyone should ever have to do. You spoke when they couldn't. You made them live again with every word you said."

"It's not enough."

"It is. It has to be."

She had nearly wilted against him and he brushed her hair back from her tear streaked face.

"You need to stop, Lindsay. Stop letting him hurt you. You put him away but you don't let him out of your mind. Don't let go of the girls, but let go of him."

"I'm trying. I really am."

"I know you are. I just want to make sure that you know that this is a struggle, but it doesn't define you. You are so much more than this. You are beautiful and funny and happy and you make my life so much better every moment that you're in it. I don't want you to forget who you are and become that scared and angry girl again."

"I won't," she promised, moving her hand up to place it over his heart. "I can't."

He pulled back just a little and framed her face with his hands.

"I am always going to be right here, no matter how you hurt or who you are. You don't ever, ever have to worry about going it alone."

"I know. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Please don't let go of me. Not tonight."

He could tell that she was spent, entirely unable to keep processing the memories. Sometimes pressing the pause button was okay, and this time he was glad she was able to.

"Let me just do a little rearranging here for a second, okay?"

She nodded and climbed out of his lap, her hair spilling back into her face and getting caught by the lights of the sunrise. She looked so young and innocent, yet so old and broken down that he wished he could switch with her, just for a moment. Take her horrors and aches and keep them away from her for a while.

He kicked his shoes off and shed most of his clothing, then laid back down. She was shivering with exhaustion and remnants of old shock and he pulled her up onto his chest before tucking the blankets around them.

"No one else has ever been able to make it go away that fast," she whispered as he rubbed small circles on her back. "I never… never felt this safe before."

He didn't know how to reply, so he just held her, concentrating on synchronizing their breathing.

"Go to sleep, honey. I'll be right here."

* * *

When morning broke in its fullness they both rose slowly, smiling and sharing kisses before getting out of bed. They were completely exhausted and had slept just over three hours, but she hadn't had any nightmares, so they were hedging their bets and getting up. She showered while he made breakfast and coffee, the perfect bit of normal to get them realigned. He wanted to give her brightness and simplicity this morning, something to hold onto for the rest of the day.

She joined him a while later, her eyes still tinged with pink from crying, but with just a little bit of light in them again.

"You made breakfast? You know, you're going to get me accustomed to this way of living and someday when we're old and in a retirement home, I'm going to be that cantankerous old lady who throws things at people when I don't get my way."

"And I will be the old guy sitting next to you, smirking and thinking about how cute you are when you do it."

"We're a good pair."

"Somebody's got to be the real life Cory and Topanga."

"I'm glad it's us."

He smiled and pulled her into his arms.

"You going to be okay going to work?"

"Yeah. I need to go. It makes everything make sense again."

"Alright. Pancakes for the lady?"

"Yes sir."

They sat down together and he reached over for her hand.

"What?" she asked at his expression.

"I love you in the morning and in the afternoon. I love you in the evening and underneath the moon."

She snorted out a laugh at his singing voice.

"You make me happy. And I love you too."

He met her eyes and found them filled with light again and he knew she was okay.


	33. Chapter 33

"So explain to me one more time what you're doing."

Lindsay chuckled and stuck the now washed cereal bowl in the dish strainer.

"It's a cookie tasting."

"Like a wine tasting."

"Yes. But with cookies."

"But why?"

"Because, Kori is trying out new recipes and she wants people to try them," she explained, referring to a friend in theirs building who owned a small bakery. "I promised her I would come and she told me to bring friends and since Stella and Austin are both off and neither one of them can say no to cookies… why are you looking at me like I have three heads?"

"Girls are weird," he shrugged. "I mean, wine I get. Coffee I understand. But cookies?"

"You're just jealous. I'll bring you some home."

"Thanks. Man, and girls think we don't get them."

"I know! Why don't you guys just say what you mean for Pete's sake?"

He chuckled and wrapped his arms around her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm going to work. Don't do nothin' I wouldn't do."

"That leaves a lot of possibilities. Thanks for the support."

He gave her a quick kiss and headed out the door, pulling it open to see Austin poised to knock.

"Hey, look what I found," he shouted. "It's a stray."

"Shut up, ADD."

"Come in, and don't turn my wife against me."

"My powers are vast and mighty, but not that vast and mighty."

"I thank you."

He shoved her playfully and left the apartment while Austin went into the kitchen.

"Well hello Donna Reed," she greeted, jumping up onto the counter.

"Hey Susan Mayer," Lindsay shot back. "You're early."

"I was bored. Danny was completely engrossed in Sportscenter."

"You like Sportscenter."

"Of course. I hate when they do the hour segments about who's making what. It bores me. And he won't take his eyes off it."

"Did you try cellophane and a Yankees cap?"

"After the fake Yankees cap incident last time? Do you think I'm stupid?"

"I love how we can just make stories up and run with them like they're true."

"We're nothing if not world class liars," Austin agreed, pouring herself a cup of lukewarm coffee. "Did you let Adam make this?"

"Yeah. Notice most of the pot is left. I really need to take some time and train him better."

"Hey, you've created in him the habit of picking up his wet towels. I think you've accomplished a lot."

"Yeah, that wasn't easy. Though I can't get him to put the freaking milk back in the fridge."

"So, can I ask you somethin'?"

"Is it going to be painful?"

"What's going on with you?"

Lindsay just sighed.

"Hey, come on. I told you what was going on with me."

"I know. You're right."

She took a deep breath and told her about the letter. About how he had been extradited to Texas for previous crimes, about how he had been found guilty and was on death row with a smirk on his face because he was still playing a game and he was still in the lead.

"I'm not going," she said. "No answer he could give me would make anything any better. Plus, if he did want to confess before he died, well at least I have the power to deny him that."

They just looked at each other for a minute.

"You are some kind of strong, do you know that?"

"I think we all have to be at some point."

"I guess so."

"Okay, enough of that. Let's go get Stella and real coffee."

"And cookies," Austin agreed, jumping off the counter. "Danny said he doesn't see the appeal."

"Of cookies?"

"Of only eating a bite."

"Three bites. One to acclimate your palate, one to taste and one to decide."

"You've been watching _Gilmore girls_ again?"

"You're surprised?"

"Guess not."

* * *

"Oh my word," Stella grumbled from the back seat. "How long does it take to swipe a card and hand coffee out the window?"

"They've been talking for two whole minutes. It doesn't sound like a lot, but when you're sitting in the drive-thru behind them, it's ridiculous."

"Do they know each other or something?" Lindsay asked. "It's like they haven't seen each other in years. I'm surprised they haven't leapt through the windows to hug each other."

"Shut up!" Austin shouted, waving at the other car.

"Why in hells reach would you not just pull around and go inside? Isn't that logical?"

"I'm about to go tap my badge against her windshield," Stella muttered. "Don't they realize that I haven't had coffee in almost a whole day?"

"There is about to be a homicide in the Starbucks line and I am pretty sure we can skew the evidence to point directly to a tea drinker."

"Aust, I think you're on to something."

"What are they even talking about? Oh yeah, we're just going shopping today," she said in her best moron voice. "I love shopping so much. It's like the best thing ever!"

Lindsay giggled.

"I know, it's fantabulous! I'm going to go when I get off work. I so might get my belly button pierced!"

"Oh Em Gee that would be so hot! All your boyfriends would love it."

"I know right? I should also get my tramp stamp retouched. It's like faded. Girl, you know what I mean."

"Yeah, Tito's name is fading off my boob."

"That totes sucks. OHMYGOSH! Did I tell you what happened? Oh my gosh! Whitney tried to steal my boyfriend! She like walked by him and looked at him and I was like Girl, back up off this!"

"What a whore!"

"I'll flatten that tramp out."

"You go girl. Hey look, I have elbows!"

"Aw, they're so sexy."

"Hot, right?"

"I think I could get my boss to cheat on his wife with me."

"Is he rich?"

"Kinda."

"Go for it! He's like old man hot."

Stella was nearly doubled over laughing by this point, trying to stifle it so she wouldn't miss anything.

"Oh, we'd better go before all the good stuff is gone. Let's get together later girl!"

"I'll text you. BFF!"

The car pulled forward and Lindsay and Austin had to fight to keep straight faces when the barista greeted them in the most high pitched, chipper voice either of them had ever heard. She took the money and handed them the coffee without extraneous talking, and they were soon on their way to the bakery.

"That was a fun game," Austin noted. "We should play it more often."

"Yes we should."

"BFF," Stella said with a snort. "I can't breathe."

"It's a good thing she hasn't seen us at two a.m.," Lindsay said with a shake of her head.

"The three of us together that late would probably end up really, really bad."

"We need to try it sometime."

"Oh, of course."

* * *

It was late afternoon when the trio returned to the lab. They'd tasted tons of cookies, then had a lazy lunch and decided to bless the boys with the leftover cookies.

"Let's not tell them they're organic and gluten free," Stella remarked as they stepped off the elevator.

"Yeah, I am pretty sure they'd have a collective cow if we mentioned it," Lindsay agreed.

"We can wait until the cookies are all gone and then tell them."

"You live so dangerously, Aust."

"I try. Hey boys! Cookies!" she announced as they entered Mac's office. It didn't take long before the guys were scarfing down the cookies appreciatively. It was actually pretty reminiscent of the previous Thanksgiving dinner.

"These are pretty good," Flack said, his mouth full of cookie. "If I was on a diet, I would be majorly cheating."

"Flack, you're such a girl," Danny chuckled.

"I believe we've had this conversation before. Austin knows I'm a man."

Austin dropped her face into her hand so hard that it made a slapping noise.

"This is not happening," she muttered.

"Yeah, but she dumped you and came back to me," Danny added, putting his arm around his wife. "What now Flack?"

"This betrayal stings, guys," he said, patting his chest in mock pain.

"Great Danny, now we've got to find him a woman. Again."

"Think Michelle Pintler is still single?"

"Of course she is."

"Hey, you guys stop being mean to Flack," Lindsay said.

"Thanks Linds."

"He's just trying to channel his inner RuPaul."

"Adam, come wrangle your wife."

They all continued to pick on each other like children while Mac and Stella sat on the desk together and shook their heads in amusement.

It was such a strange family they had all created, and not even on purpose. They had all just fallen together and no matter the years that passed or the disagreements or the struggles, there was a bond that ran through them that kept them coming back to this place.


	34. Chapter 34

A/N: Excuse me while I flail myself to death.

* * *

It was a perfectly rainy and delicious early spring afternoon that Lindsay was going to remember for a very long time. She was curled up on the couch with a cup of tea, not drinking it, but enjoying the fragrance and the steam rising from it. She was waiting for Adam to get home, and the time seemed to creep by slower and slower. She'd tried watching TV and reading and even cleaning the bathroom, but she kept getting distracted.

She checked her phone for the thousandth time, wishing he would just call and say he was coming home. Waiting was not one of her favorite things, but she didn't hate letting her mind wander either, so as annoying as it was to wait, she was still making do.

Taking a sip of the tea, she stood up and walked over to the window, opening it so she could listen to the rain. It splattered against the building and came through the screen, gathering on the window sill. Grinning like a little girl, she ran her finger through it, making little patterns before wiping the water off with her shirt. The door opened and she smiled as Adam walked in, shaking the rain off of his coat and hanging it by the door.

"Hey cozy," he greeted, walking over and dropping a kiss on her forehead. "Want to go out for dinner?"

"Sure. Special occasion?"

"Nope. All the more reason to go."

"Okay. Let me change and then I want to tell you something."

"Tell me what?"

"Just something," she hollered over her shoulder as she walked into the bedroom. He followed her and she tossed her t-shirt at his face.

"Something what?" he asked again, sitting down on the bed while she buttoned her jeans and turned to find another top in the closet.

"Well," she started as the hangers rattled against each other. "It's something I've never told anyone before."

"A secret? I like those," he said, grabbing her waist and pulling her back towards him.

"Hey, do you want me to get dressed or not?"

"That's not a fair question. Now what are you going to tell me?"

"You ruined the flow of the story," she grumbled.

"You wanna start over? Something you've never told anyone before."

She smiled and reached over to run her fingers through his hair.

"I've been waiting all day to tell you, actually more specifically like since four minutes after two and I wanted to call you and tell you but I thought it would be better in person."

"Most things are. So what's up?"

"Well first I was wondering if we had any plans for January?"

"January? Even we don't plan that far ahead. Why? Did you win a trip on the radio?"

"No, I was just thinking that we're going to be pretty busy. I mean, with a baby and all."

"A…what?"

"I'm pregnant."

His eyebrows shot up and he scanned her face for any hint of teasing or uncertainty. There was none.

"You… you are?"

"I took three tests. You look a little gray, honey."

His thumb made small circles on her skin and he pulled her closer, pressing a kiss to her stomach.

"Are you happy?" she asked, knowing the answer but needing to hear him say it anyway.

"So happy," he replied, lifting his head to look at her. There were tears in his eyes to match the ones in hers, and they smiled together.

"I know we wanted to wait longer, but we've got a while to get ready."

"I never wanted to wait," he confessed, pulling her down into his lap.

"But we said like a year and then…Adam, I never wanted to wait either. Why didn't we say that?"

"Because waiting a while seemed prudent."

"I guess it doesn't matter now, does it?"

"Nope. And now I don't know if I want to go out and celebrate or sit here and stare at your stomach."

"Let's not do that," she said with a chuckle.

"I would be jumping up and down, but I think I'm in shock," he explained, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"That's okay. I'm a little overwhelmed too."

Their foreheads touched and his hand splayed over her back, pulling her closer.

"How?"

"Honey, you're kind of aloof sometimes, but I am pretty sure you know how."

"No," he chuckled. "I meant how pregnant are you?"

"You mean how far along am I?"

"Yeah."

"The doctor is going to have to confirm it, but I'm guessing just under six weeks."

"Six weeks and we had no idea. I mean, you didn't have any idea, did you?"

"Not really. I mean, I didn't have symptoms, and I never have my period on time anyway, so I wasn't even thinking about it. Then yesterday I felt really weird and I felt sick when I woke up this morning and I thought I might as well take a test because just maybe… and there it was."

"Two pink lines?"

"Actually it was a digital one, so it said pregnant, but in the general usage of the term, yes."

"Did it tell you six weeks too or something?"

"No, I'm just thinking… that one day…"

"Oh. Yeah."

They smiled and he leaned up to kiss her, still almost not believing that such a normal conversation, such a normal day could end like this.

"You're going to be a daddy," she whispered against his lips. "Does that totally rock your world?"

He chuckled and laid back on the bed, keeping her pressed against his chest.

"It really freaks me out," he admitted. "But I think it's supposed to be scary."

"Probably. I'm scared too."

"You have more reason to be scared that I do. I just have to hold your hand, you actually have to go through labor."

"Thanks for the reminder."

"This doesn't feel real yet," he said, tightening his grip on her.

"It'll feel real when I start puking for three hours every morning."

"Did you make a doctor's appointment yet? Do we get an ultrasound?"

"I have an appointment next week and an ultrasound sometime in the next few weeks."

"I'll make sure I can go with you."

"Thanks."

He sat up suddenly and crawled out from under her, heading for the other room.

"Hon, what are you doing?" she asked, amused.

"Googling."

"Googling what?"

"I don't know anything about pregnancy," he explained. She shook her head and stood up, grabbing a sweatshirt and putting it on as she walked out into the living room. He already had the laptop out and was waiting for the search engine to open. She grabbed her now lukewarm tea off of the side table, then sat down next to him, resting her head on his shoulder and reading along with him.

"I don't think we're really interested in watching birthing videos, are we?"

"Most definitely not. Click on that other link."

He obeyed and they spent then next few hours reading almost every reputable site on pregnancy, eventually making notes to remember the important things. It was a very scientific way to go about it, but it made them both more comfortable and excited.

"You know, any other woman would be getting after me for not seeming excited, but you just sit there and let me read about lanugo on Wikipedia even though you already knew what it was."

"You spent two months reading books on marriage counseling before we got married, so I was pretty much expecting this reaction. I know you're excited."

He smiled and settled his arms around her, pressing a kiss into her hair.

"You're going to be amazing," he said. "This kid is so lucky."

"Double lucky," she replied, tracing his face gently. "I love you Adam."

"I love you too."


	35. Chapter 35

"So how do you think we should do this?" Adam asked, tossing his cell phone from one hand to the other. "Your mom then my mom?"

"If we tell my mom first she's going to call your mom and beat us to telling her. But if we tell your mom first, she's going to call my mom. You know, when they became friends, I didn't think it would ever be a problem. Apparently my skills in predicting the future are getting kind of rusty."

"I can call my mom and you can call yours at the same time."

"Okay."

He looked over at her curiously, squeezing her hand.

"What's the matter?"

"I don't know. I just kind of liked it being our secret. No one else knows. I mean, except for the doctor. Nobody knows but us."

"We can still have secrets. After this we'll go rob a bank."

She giggled and shook her head.

"Okay, let's do this."

She took a deep breath and dialed her parents number while he called his mom. The phone rang twice before her mom answered, sounding a little out of breath.

"Hi mom."

"Hi honey. How are you?"

"I'm good. What are you up to?"

"Cleaning the kitchen, getting ready for family dinner tomorrow. Your dad is reading the paper and Taylor is around here somewhere with Thaddeus."

"Oh, he actually comes around the house now?"

"He's a nice boy, Lindsay. And she likes him."

"I know. I just… well, you know."

"Yes, I am aware of the feeling."

"So, I had something I wanted to run by you and dad, could you get him on the other extension?"

"Sure. Is it bad?"

"No, not at all."

There was a moment of silence before her dad came on the line.

"Hey little girl. What's up?"

"I just wanted to talk to you guys about Christmas. I know it's far away but we're trying to plan ahead a little. But we don't think we're going to be able to make it out of town though. So we thought maybe you guys would like to come out here for a few days, maybe a couple weeks after Christmas."

"We could think about that," Dale answered. "Pencil it in for now."

"And I also wanted to ask you how you feel about being grandparents again."

"What?"

"Because you're going to be."

"You're pregnant?"

"Eight weeks. We just got back from the doctor with the ultrasound pictures."

There was a small moment of silence, then her father's amused voice.

"I think your mom is pretty happy… she's covering her mouth… and now she's crying… and now she's laughing."

"Pretty much the reaction I was expecting. I made copies of the ultrasound pictures and I'll put them in the mail in the morning."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay. A little bit of morning sickness sometimes, but Adam makes me eat crackers before I get out of bed, and that seems to help. The doctor said I'm healthy and the due date right now is January fifteenth."

"You'd better have a girl, because we've got too many boys running around this place."

"I'm pretty sure that's been determined already, Daddy, but I'll do my best."

"I'm proud of you, little girl. You're going to be a great mom."

"Thank you."

"Speaking of moms, yours seems to have rejoined the land of the living."

"I eagerly await the barrage of questions about every second of my life."

"I love you honey."

"Love you too, daddy."

He clicked off his extension and she heard her mother's voice again.

"Sorry, I was busy being over the moon. I'm back now."

"So I'll take that as a yes, you do want to be a grandma again?"

"I most certainly do. When did you find out?"

"Two weeks ago. I wanted to tell you right away, but we decided to go to the doctor and make it official first. We haven't told anyone else though."

"Oh honey, I'm so excited. How was Adam when you told him?"

"Kind of speechless, but now he's making lists and pricing car seats and having a serious internal debate about regular versus cloth diapers."

"And where do you stand on this issue?"

"As long as he does half, I don't care what he decides. I'm still in that euphoric happy stage where time stands still and January seems like years away."

"Is he being over-protective?"

"Not really. He won't let me clean out the litter box, but that can be really bad for the baby, and I hate cleaning out the litter box, so that works out. He's very attentive but not overly so. It's been nice so far. Easy. My only complaint is that this growing a baby thing takes 40 weeks and I have 32 left to go."

"If the baby isn't overdue like your brothers all were."

"Not amusing, mom."

They finished their conversation a few minutes later and Lindsay hung up with a sigh. Adam was still on the phone, and from the sound of it, he was talking to Hannah now. He put the phone on speaker and Lindsay grinned at Hannah's excited chatter.

"And today when I was at my lessons, I got to learn how to jump! It was kind of scary the first time, but after that it wasn't so bad. Daddy took a video of it."

"You'll have to show that to me the next time we're down there. Hey, can I tell you something?"

"Sure, brudder."

"Well, sometime after Christmas, Lindsay is going to have a baby."

"A baby!" she shouted. "What kind?"

"We don't know that part yet."

"A real live baby? Do I get to play with it?"

"Of course. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"This baby is going to be your niece or nephew."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you're going to be an aunt."

"Like aunt Heather?"

"Yep."

"That is so cool! Do we have to wait until after Christmas?"

"Yeah, we do."

"That's so far away."

"I know. But we went to the doctor and got some pictures of the baby and we'll send them in the mail soon okay?"

"Okay. Mommy says I have to come eat dinner now."

"Alright. I'll talk to you later, squirt. I love you."

"I love you too."

He hung up the phone and tipped his head back on the couch.

"So, do we want to tell everyone at work or wait?"

"I think I want to wait," she said with a sigh. "With everything that's been going on these last few months, I think I would rather wait until things settle a bit. I mean, I want to tell everyone because I think they would be happy, but it just doesn't feel right yet."

"Then we'll wait."

"I want to tell Austin really bad, but she's been through crap."

"Maybe we'll have them over for dinner. You can feel out the situation and decide if telling her now would be good or bad."

"Okay."

"For now, I need to go and get ready for work."

"I hate when you work at night."

"I don't like it either."

"I don't sleep good when you're gone."

"Well you'd better try because you have to work in the morning."

"I hate our schedules right now."

"I know you do. I'm still working on that independently wealthy thing."

"I appreciate it."

He kissed her forehead and stood from the couch, heading into the other room while she stretched out, yawning and running a hand over her still-flat stomach. Not much was happening yet and she looked the same as she had before. Adam swore she was glowing, which she vehemently denied, but secretly knew was the truth. Despite the occasional bout with morning sickness, she was enjoying being pregnant. The best part in reality had been watching Adam. He was such a good daddy already, making sure everything was just right, that they were prepared and that she was comfortable. She couldn't ask for anything better.

She reached over and picked up the ultrasound picture from the table, running her finger over it once again. She had memorized every blob, every line, every grainy detail, marveling in the already beating heart, already feeling nerves, already learning brain. It had fingerprints and it could hear. It was amazing, no matter how many times she thought about it.

"Okay, I'm headed out. I'll see you in the morning."

He leaned down and kissed her gently, then pushed her shirt up and let his lips fall to her skin.

"Goodnight offspring. Goodnight the mommy."

"Goodnight the daddy."

"Get some rest."

"I will. I love you."

"Love you too."


	36. Chapter 36

"You know you're feeding four people, not all of Siberia, right?" Adam asked, stealing a chip from the bowl on the counter.

"Yeah, but think about these four people for a moment, and then tell me that this is too much food."

"I guess you're right," he shrugged, opening the fridge. "Hey, how come we don't have anything to drink?"

"I just bought a case of Coke."

"But it's diet. And caffeine free. That is not something you drink. That is something that makes you think that there are old people or pregnant ladies in the house."

"Don't say that word so loud."

He laughed and patted her stomach.

"There's not much you can do about that now, babe."

"Honey, you know how I feel about spilling the beans right now."

"Yes, I know. And I love you for being this sensitive to everyone else."

"I can't tell if you're teasing me or mocking me."

He smiled and tapped her pouting bottom lip.

"Neither."

"Well okay."

"Hey, when are they getting here? I'm hungry."

"Austin said they would be here before the game started, but knowing the two of them, they're probably still making out somewhere."

"Lindsay."

"What? They say the same thing about us."

"Wanna make good on that?"

"Maybe later. You picking up what I'm laying down?"

"Loud and clear."

There was a knock on the door a split second before it opened and Austin and Danny came in.

"See, I told you we are not knocking friends," Austin said, shoving Danny.

"I was raised to believe in common courtesy."

"So you just slap your mama in the face when you don't hold the door for me?"

"Or you slap me in the face for holdin' the door because it's so wussy."

"Pick a side, Messer."

"You two sound like you're 85," Lindsay noted, passing by them to turn on the game.

"Maybe we should give them some of that caffeine free Coke," Adam suggested.

"Shut up."

"Geez Linds, think this is enough junk food to clog our arteries?"

"I think it falls in line with the regulations for daily consumption based on a 2,000 calorie diet."

"They sure widened those parameters since I was a kid," Danny noted, swiping a hot wing.

"Yes, well _Supersize Me_ is very popular right now."

"Ug, don't talk to me about Morgan Spurlock as I'm about to eat massive amounts of things that aren't good for me," Austin said, frowning and holding her stomach.

"We're going to miss the game if we keep talkin'," Danny mentioned, his plate now full of food that he was going to regret eating in the morning. "And it's bad luck to miss the beginning of a Yankees game."

"He's not joking. This one time we were late to a game and it was a bloodbath. The boys were in terrible form and I could barely watch," Austin said.

"I can see you're scarred for life," Lindsay dead-panned, raising an eyebrow.

"You joke now but you just wait until the 49'ers get mangled out on the field. You'll be singing a different tune."

"What, like _Oh Canada_?"

"You're weird."

"Thanks."

The four of them managed to pile on the couch, sitting about as close as they would have if they had been able to actually go to the game for real. Though they were rooting for the same team, friendly insults flew straight through to the ninth inning, which found them all leaning forward tense with anticipation as to which way the close game was going to go. In the end the Yankees scored a victory with a play impressive enough to make Austin punch the air in excitement.

"Did we just really witness that play?" Danny asked, his eyes transfixed on the screen.

"We did. And holy Derek Jeter. I love you Adam, but if you ever die, I'm going to hunt that guy down and… whoo."

"Not if I get him first," Austin interjected.

"Now just wait a minute there. I called dibs."

"You did not!"

"I said it first! Were you not just here?"

"Excuse me, but I have been a Yankees fan longer than you and I feel like it is my right to call firsties."

"Well you might feel like that, but it don't mean it's true."

"Um," Adam started, taking a deep breath. "You guys know you're fighting over which husband has to die first, right?"

"Yeah."

"As long as we're clear."

"Aw honey, you're just mad that you lost ten bucks on that game."

"You bet against the Yankees?" Danny and Austin shouted in unison.

"She had that look in her eyes. You haven't ever seen it and I pray that you don't but it's a look you don't say no to," he explained, pulling a ten out of his pocket and handing it to her.

"Cash never smelled so good."

"Weird."

"Know what else?"

"No, and I don't want to know but I'm certain you're going to tell me."

"I want ice-cream."

"Great."

"And maybe someone should take this ten and go down and get some."

"Maybe that someone should be you," Danny suggested.

"No, because I have the shortest legs out of everyone here and therefore I walk the slowest, increasing the chances that said ice-cream will be melted upon my return."

"I'm going Team Lindsay on this one," Austin said.

"Guess I'm going to the store," Adam sighed.

"I'll go with ya, buddy. The henpecked have to stick together."

They left the apartment amid loud clucking from the couch.

"Those two put up with a lot from us."

"I think they love us a little."

"Seems so. Want me to help you clean this place up?"

"Yeah, thanks."

They carried plates and glasses into the kitchen and rinsed them off in the sink, then put the few leftovers into the fridge.

"Hey Aust?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you doing okay?"

She sighed and nodded, slowly wiping off the counter.

"Some days are good and some days are bad."

"Do you have a signal or something?"

"What?"

"Something that tells me if it's a good day or a bad day. Because on a bad day, I could like… give you first dibs on Jeter."

"You are my best friend in the world," she said with a laugh. "It's getting better. I'm still not there, but I'm moving in that direction."

"Okay. Now, serious question. Cones or bowls?"

"Cones!"

Lindsay pulled the box of ice-cream cones out of the cupboard just as the guys came back, bickering about something.

"They spelled chocolate wrong; what makes you think it's not poison?" Adam asked Danny who just shrugged.

"So it says Chocklit. Doesn't mean there's roaches in it."

"Danny, don't ever mention chocolate and roaches in the same sentence again."

"Says the girl who eats bugs."

"I do not eat bugs, I ate bugs."

"Difference being?"

"To eat is continual. Ate is past tense."

"And in English?"

"That was English; take a class."

"And don't spend the entire semester makin' out in the back row with Mary Hubbel."

"Can it, Austin."

* * *

"Oooh, I ate too much," Lindsay groaned, rolling back and forth on the bed and clutching her stomach.

"You ate less than the rest of us," Adam replied, tossing his shirt in the general direction of the dirty clothes basket.

"I'm a light weight, what can I say?"

"Nothing, I suppose."

He turned off the light and crawled in next to her, smiling when she nestled in beside him in her usual spot with her head on his chest.

"Did you talk to Austin?"

"Yeah. I didn't tell her yet. I'm going to wait a little bit longer."

"Honey, I know you love her and I know you're waiting until life evens out, but you're going to have to say something eventually. Or people are going to figure it out and that's going to make it look like we've been lying or hiding it."

"I know. I'll tell her in the next few days."

"Okay. Hey, remember what you said before?"

"Raincheck."

"Is there a chance of rain in the morning?"

"Seventy percent chance of rain. Partly cloudy."

"Good odds. Night babe."

"Goodnight."

She leaned up and kissed him a few times before yawning and settling in for the night.


	37. Chapter 37

Lindsay sighed and ran a hand over her stomach as she walked down the aisles. There were very few times when she felt a wave of homesickness, but right now was one of them. Shopping for baby clothes was something she wanted to do with her mom. Instead she was here alone, trying to find gender neutral clothes as they had decided not to find out what they were having. She was getting frustrated at only finding ducks and frogs, wishing baby clothes makers would get the hint that solids were okay.

Frowning, she grabbed her cell phone and called Adam, hoping he had his phone on and could answer it.

"Hey honey," he greeted. "How's the shopping going?"

"I think I'm too grumpy for this. So far I've found socks."

"Well we can start a new baby fashion. Diapers and socks. All the hip kids will be wearing it."

She chuckled and looked through a rack of pajamas.

"As much as I would like to spark a trend with you, I am pretty sure that a winter baby is going to need a few more layers than that."

"Maybe. Any particular reason for your grumpiness?"

"Heartburn and I wish my mom was here."

"I'm sorry babe."

"It's okay. I'll be alright."

"Want to wait and try again when I get home?"

"No, I already drove all the way out here, I might as well keep looking. Besides, you're going to want to see what I spent all your money on."

"Oh yay."

She smiled again, feeling the frustration melt away.

"Why don't you call your mom? Might make you feel better."

"Yeah. I hadn't thought of that."

"I'll see you tonight hon. I love you."

"I love you too."

She hung up the phone and found a pack of newborn white onesies which she knew you could never have too many of. Exploded diapers, spit up and drooling made her grab another pack. The thought of laundry made her get a third.

She dialed her mom's number and waited while it rang a few times.

"Hello?"

"Hi mom."

"Hi honey! How are you? Are you feeling okay? Tired?"

"I'm fine, I feel fine. Not too tired. But I'm clothes shopping and I really wish you were here because I have no idea what I'm doing."

"Didn't you make a list?"

"Adam found one on the internet. But do I really need three pairs of shoes? It's going to be a year before the kid walks. And why is everything boy or girl? And why am I stressing myself out about getting six month clothes right now?"

"Because you're in the earliest stages of nesting and you've always been an over-planner. Don't worry about the shoes, you can get them later. For now just get the basics, enough for a few weeks and you'll get some more as gifts and then you can shop once the baby is here. Make sure you stock up on blankets and burp rags and when you think you've gotten enough, you haven't. Also, if you guys have the storage space, I would suggest buying a pack of diapers on every trip to the store so by the time the baby gets here you're stocked up for a few weeks."

"Is this written somewhere?"

"I got the hang of it around the time Eli was six months old. By the time I got to you it was all old hat, which is the reason you turned out so perfect."

"So you're saying this kid might be as screwed up as Jake?"

"It's what we love most about him, isn't it?"

"I guess so. I miss you mom."

"I miss you too baby."

"I wish you were here. This isn't as much fun alone."

"I wish I was there too. What about Austin, why isn't she with you?"

Lindsay sighed and inspected the washing instructions on a pair of overalls.

"She's in California visiting her brother. This isn't her kind of thing anyway."

"Hey sweetie?"

"Yeah?"

"You need to have fun. Get some coming home outfits, one for a boy, one for a girl and just don't worry so much."

"Okay."

"By the way, your dad finished fixing the old cradle and he's going to ship it next week. He fixed it so it rocks without making so much noise."

"He did?"

"He's pretty excited for you. He's already got most of January and February taken care of as far as who's going to watch the place for us, so we can fly out whenever and stay as long as you want."

"That will be nice. I'm predicting that I'll have a nervous breakdown by day three, so it will help to have you here."

"You're going to be just fine. You know that as well as I do."

"I know."

"Honey, I've got to go and pick Tessa up from school. Call me tonight and let me know what you got though, okay?"

"Alright. Thanks mama."

"You're welcome. Bye."

* * *

"Honey I'm home, and your credit card is very tired and slightly warm."

"Just as I imagined."

"Where are you?"

"Baby's room."

She followed his voice into the minuscule second bedroom, which was big enough for a crib and a small chest of drawers that doubled as a changing table. It was cramped, but it would work.

Adam was sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded by packing material and instructions, looking very much in his element, no matter how chaotic it looked to her.

"What's this?"

"Crib."

"You got one already?"

"Yeah. That one you wanted."

"But… that's too expensive."

"I found it on Amazon for cheaper, plus I had an old giftcard, and it was discounted because it has a little knick in it somewhere and it was also on free shipping. And it didn't come with the mattress, so it was even cheaper."

"How much?"

"I saved almost three hundred bucks. Of course we still need to get the mattress, but a penny saved is a penny earned, right?"

She smiled at him, not quite sure what to say.

"Also, I found some crib bedding that you might like. I left it up on the computer for you to look at. Apparently it's like so three years ago, but I thought you might like it and it's on clearance. And I thought that tomorrow maybe we could go rocking chair hunting. I know you said you didn't need one, but I think you would like it and women always say how the nicest things their husband can do is buy them a rocking chair when they have a baby, and I am guessing all those women aren't wrong. What's the matter?"

She hadn't even noticed the tears in her eyes until he said something, and she reached up to wipe them away.

"Nothing, nothing. I just can't believe… I mean I can believe you did all this, but I can't believe that you're doing it for me."

"Why wouldn't I be?" he asked, standing up and pulling her into a hug. "I love you and I love this baby and I want to make this as easy for you as I can. And I can't do the hard parts, so at least I can do this."

"I can't even tell you how perfect you are."

"Well don't try 'cause I'm not."

She shook her head and ran her hand over his chest.

"I don't see any imperfect parts. I just see you."

"Ready for more?"

"More what?"

"I am about to make you very happy."

"How's that?"

"After you called me today I was thinking about how much you miss your mom and how much you want her here and I thought, why not make it happen?"

"You didn't."

"I called her and asked if she wanted to come and spend a weekend with you and she said yes, of course. And Mac said he can schedule you around it, so there you go."

"Okay so how much do I owe you for this? Because honestly."

"You're having my baby. Pretty sure that's payment enough."

"Are you sure? Cuz I was thinking about something else, but if giving birth is enough then…" she trailed off with a shrug and a wink.

"Hey wait, I didn't say anything about that!"

* * *

"It always stops moving as soon as I touch you," Adam complained, turning the page in his book.

"Oh come on. This kid is really going to town. You're gonna miss it."

"It'll stop, it always does."

"Adam," she chuckled. "Touch your kid."

Grinning, and sure he would prove her wrong, he leaned over and placed his hand over her stomach. The baby jabbed back in return, making him laugh.

"See? I'm always right."

Adam was silent, concentrating on the movement of their baby under his hand. It wasn't intense movement, and certainly not enough to guess on hands or feet, but he could still feel it. It was the first time he'd had the chance, even though she'd been feeling it for weeks and it brought him into a deeper state of excitement than he had felt when she told him she was pregnant. Of course they had had ultrasounds, and of course he had seen her grow. But this made it really real. This brought it home.

"What are you thinking?" she asked as he repositioned to rest his head against her stomach.

"You know how they talk about your life flashing before your eyes?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I guess I was just letting things flash back. When we first started dating I never imagined it would be like this. I hoped it would, but I didn't think I was that lucky. And now it's two years later and it's all just right. And I can't even wrap my head around it really. I mean, you and I," he said, his voice dropping. "We made this."

She grinned at his description, amused and endeared by his simple words. Sometimes his love took her breath away and sometimes she could nearly nestle herself in it, feeling warm and safe and held up by nothing but that. So many times over the years she had wanted to stop time, either to get her bearings or to just bask in it. But never more than this moment, this second, this beautiful collision of lives.

Their hands joined on her stomach and she let out a sleepy sigh before closing her eyes. Only one thought pounded through her head in time with her own heartbeat and the movement of their baby.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.


	38. Chapter 38

"This is too much laundry," Lindsay sighed as her mother dropped another basket at her feet. "You love this don't you?"

"You have to wash baby clothes before you put the kid in them, Lindsay."

"I know. Remember when we were kids and you would punish us by making us pair up an entire basket of socks? That is why I hate laundry so much."

"I told you that you could cut your own switch, but you chose the socks. Your fault."

"I guess."

Anne smiled and joined her daughter on the couch, pulling a pile of freshly washed clothes into her lap. It had been a long time since she had done the baby thing, both as a mother and a grandmother, and she was thoroughly enjoying every second of it.

"Mom?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"Do you think… I mean, all bias aside. Do you think I'm going to be okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"As a mother."

"Of course I do. Do you think you won't?"

"I don't know. I feel like it's so much. And I don't know what to expect and I don't know what I'm supposed to do and I don't have all the answers."

"Oh Lindsay," Anne said with a chuckle. "My sweet, planning ahead, perfectionist, attention to detail, stubborn, naïve little girl. Don't you know by now that mothers don't know it all? Every baby is a crash course in parenting. And just when you think you've gotten the hang of it, another day comes. You are constantly playing the best game of catch up you have ever played in your life."

"Do you ever catch up?"

"Nope."

"I'm scared, mom," she confessed, looking down at her hands as her emotions got the best of her and trapped her words in her throat.

"Oh baby. Come here."

Lindsay scooted over as best she could, settling herself into her mother's arms, wishing for a brief second that her dad was there too so she could snuggle in between them like she had so many times before. They would playfully argue about whose girl she was, threatening to split her right down the middle. She would squeal with laughter as they tickled her, giggle as they kissed her cheeks, smile as she fell asleep in the safest place in her world.

"Lindsay Joy, you are going to be a wonderful mother. Besides being amazing as an aunt, you've done a lot of mothering to Taylor. Mothering that you didn't have to do, and mothering that was extremely hard. But you've done it and you've done it well. I am so proud of you every single day. You, my dear girl are the best thing about being a mother. You and those boys who surprised me with their fathering skills. Watching you kids grow up and fall in love and become parents, that's worth it all right there. And I know that I must have done something right to be able to see that. And someday, years from now, you're going to know that too."

"You're telling the truth?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

"Once, when you told me it was sugar on the licorice, not sour stuff."

"Besides that?"

"No. Never."

"Okay then."

"I'm tired," she said on a sigh, wiping away the few tears that had fallen.

"Take a nap. I'll finish this."

"Are you sure?"

"Honey, take the sleep while you can. Besides, I've got to make you guys some more dinners and stick them in the freezer and I can't do that with your constant yammering in my ear."

"Thanks, mommy."

She laid down across the couch and watched as her mother finished folding the laundry in the basket. She just needed a little sleep. Maybe even just to rest her eyes. An hour, that was it.

* * *

When she woke up it was evening, the fall sunset streaming through the window and the sounds of cooking coming from the kitchen. She could feel a warm hand on her cheek and she opened her eyes to give Adam a smile.

"Hey," he greeted, leaning down to kiss her.

"Hey, workin' man."

"You look like that nap did you some good."

"I am a firm believer in afternoon couch naps, but I didn't think it would work as well without you."

"Well we can't both fit up there anymore, can we?"

"You'd better watch yourself," she warned with a smile.

"I went and picked up the crib bedding today."

"Can I see?"

"No, not yet."

"It's not a wedding dress, Adam."

"I know. I just want to put everything together before you see it. Problem?"

"Nope. That's fine."

"And I also want you to know that despite the fact that you're over three months away from having this kid, they've already started a pool on when you're going to go."

"Oh great."

"Flack says you're going to be a week overdue, Stella said a week early, Sid said the day before, Hawkes refused to participate, and Mac being the strict military man that he is hedged his bets and said right on the due date."

"Anywhere in that ball park and I'll be happy. Though if I go a week over, I'm going to kill Flack."

"I told him that but he just laughed. I am not sure he believes in hormones."

"Guess not."

"And I had to spend the afternoon processing a scene which I am sure I still smell like, so I'm going to go shower."

"Mmm 'kay."

He dropped a kiss to her forehead then left the room while she sat up. The baskets of laundry were gone and there was a pumpkin spice candle burning on the table. It smelled like fall and she couldn't believe how fast the last year had gone. They were almost up on their anniversary already.

She wandered into the kitchen where her mom was at the stove, stirring a big pot of something that smelled good.

"Hey sleepyhead."

"How long was I out?"

"A couple hours. I tried to be quiet but then I dropped a mixing bowl and you didn't move so I figured you were spoken for."

"I think the baby slept too because I usually get kicks to the lungs to wake me up," she commented, smoothing her shirt over her stomach.

"You get a lot of movement?"

"Yeah. Mostly at night and early in the morning and very little during the day."

"Sounds like you. I didn't sleep for the last month because you moved too much."

"Looking forward to that."

They finished making dinner together and were putting it on the table when Adam joined them.

"Hon are you too cold?" he asked, noticing the way she kept rubbing her arms.

"Yeah, a little, but none of my sweatshirts fit anymore."

He went into the bedroom and came back out with a zip up hoodie.

"Here."

"Thanks honey," she said, sliding it on and kissing his cheek. "You're the best."

"I try."

* * *

"Come on you guys this isn't fair," Lindsay complained, hovering near the door to the baby's room. "I don't think it's right for you guys to just go ahead and set up the entire bedroom and not let me see it at all. What would Emily Post say?"

"She would tell you to stop hovering and go put your feet up," Adam answered.

"But-"

"Lindsay, you heard your husband."

"I just want both of you to know that I am doing this under protest."

They both murmured their acknowledgment of her departure and she shuffled out to the couch, sitting down and feeling somewhat dejected. She'd had ideas for the room, but once Adam bought the crib it kind of became his thing. He'd been having fun, so she wasn't really upset, but she did wish she could have a little say in it.

Her phone rang and she practically dove for it, grateful to have something to do other than sit here and wait.

"Hello?"

"Hello, this is the Best Friend Telecommunication Center, now serving California to New York. To whom do you wish to speak?"

"Austin!"

"Your enthusiasm shocks me."

"It always does. So what's up? How are you doing? Did you learn how to surf yet? Are you coming home soon? I miss you."

"Wow."

"Sorry. But I really do miss you."

"I miss you too. Let's see what did you ask me? Not much is up, I just took a walk down to the beach and I'm sitting here watching the waves and I thought I would call you and tell you that someday before we're old, we need to make a trip out here. No boys allowed."

"I'm so in."

"And I'm doing a lot better. I just needed space to think and to get away and… I think I just needed to get out of town for a while. I've been in that city almost every single day of my life and I just needed to go somewhere new."

"I know the feeling."

"And I'm coming home on Friday."

"Yes!"

"I thought if you were free we could do something on Saturday."

"It's Kismet. I'm free all Saturday."

"Lunch?"

"That would be great."

"I'll come by around noon."

"I can't wait. I really did miss you."

"I missed you too. You have no idea."

"I have an inkling."

"I've gotta go. Andy's kids have grown accustomed to me tucking them in."

"Alright. I'll see you Saturday."

"I love you with my guts, Linds."

"Love you with my guts too. Bye."

She hung up the phone and nearly squealed with excitement. Two years ago they had barely known each other and now it felt weird to go a day without talking. The last two months had been strange, not having her best friend there to talk to about everything. But Austin had needed to run for a while, and Lindsay would never stand in the way of that.

"Hey Adam guess what?" she shouted.

"What?"

"Austin's coming home."

"It's about time. I was about to ship you out there with her."

"Shut up."

He walked over to her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"I'm glad you're happy. You wanna come see the room?"

"Sure."

"And then later, wanna make out?"

"Don't say things like that with my mother in the house! And yeah, I do."

"You're my favorite."

"Thanks, baby."

She took the hand that he offered and stood up from the couch and hugged him, her belly almost big enough to get in the way. Life was good.


	39. Chapter 39

A/N: Man, this took me FOREVER. I thought it would never get done. And maybe I was kinda holding off a little. But meh. Here it is.

* * *

Lindsay hummed to herself as she finished vacuuming the bedroom for the fifth time in a week. She wasn't nesting yet, not really. Or maybe she was. No matter how many times Adam said she was going to wear a hole in the carpet or wreck their furniture from rearranging it so much, she figured she was big and pregnant and could do whatever she wanted. She had the swollen ankles to swing the argument more in her favor anyway. Three months to go and she had yet to deal with hormones and insomnia, so the swollen ankles didn't seem so bad. She'd take what she got.

There was a knock on the door and she walked over, sending up a quick prayer of thanks that she wasn't waddling yet.

"Who is it?" she asked, knowing full well who it was.

"Your best friend in the whole world."

"Didja bring me anything?"

"Just my smiling face."

"No souvenir?"

"I'm too cheap for that."

"And here I thought you loved me."

"Sorry to disappoint. Open this door, lady!"

She swung the door open and was nearly tackled with a hug from Austin.

"You're not a tan bimbo! What a sight for sore eyes."

"Thanks?"

"Holy cow, you're huge!" she exclaimed, stepping back to look at her.

"Yeah, that husband of yours got everyone to call me Hindy."

"Hindy?"

"Short for Hindenburg."

"So you're going to explode in a fiery death?"

"Something like that."

"Can I… touch it?"

"There's no velvet rope around this thing. Of course you can touch it."

Austin giggled and placed her hand on Lindsay's stomach. The baby kicked gently, then rolled around a little before settling back down.

"Wow. I've never really… that is so… do it again."

"I can't make it move," Lindsay giggled, poking at her stomach. "Though sometimes if I do this long enough the kid gets ticked enough to… there ya go."

"That is so weird. There's a kid in there."

"I know. Sometimes I almost forget, and then I get a kick or a jab like "I'm still here mom!" It's the strangest thing I have ever felt in my life."

Austin was quiet, grinning as the baby moved some more, not really enjoying having its space invaded.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I was just thinking that when I left you weren't even showing and now… I feel like I missed a lot."

"Not a lot."

"Don't lie."

"Maybe you missed some stuff, but maybe it was better that way."

"Maybe. I don't want to talk about it right now. All I want to do is go and have a slice of real New York pizza."

"You read my mind. I'm starving. Then again, I'm always starving, so this is nothing new. But yes. Pizza."

"Oh, and can we get a cab? I miss cabs."

"You miss cabs?"

"Same way you miss horses."

"I'm not sure that's the same thing, Aust," Lindsay giggled, grabbing her keys off the counter and sliding into her coat. "Horses have personalities."

"So do cabbies. Sometimes several."

"You can run as far as you want, but this town is in you."

* * *

"Can I ask you a question?" Austin said, stirring her soda with her straw.

"Sure."

"How was Danny when I was gone?"

Lindsay sighed.

"He was… Danny. Didn't say much to me, but I know he was worried you wouldn't come home."

"He said that?"

"Not in so many words, but he told me that you took off once before. And just the way he said it made me think he was still worried."

"It was a long time ago. I was stupid back then."

"But to him you're still you."

"I really screwed up," she said, dropping her head into her hands.

"No you didn't. You had to get out of here. And Danny knew that. He let you go because he loves you and he knew you needed space."

"I got to leave and he didn't."

"He dealt with it in his own way. But you're home now. It's going to be better."

"I know."

"Are you really okay? I mean, you went to a very non-Austin place for a very long time."

"I know. I just never expected it, you know? It took Danny months to convince me that I could actually be a mother and then… I guess the miscarriage just kind of confirmed what I thought already. Maybe it shouldn't have, but it did."

"Yeah."

"I still don't know how I should feel. It's been months and most of the time I'm fine, but every once in a while."

"Can I ask you something now?"

"Yeah."

"When you left… I mean… did it have anything to do with me?"

"A little. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for you. I was just so sad for myself. And I didn't want that to come between us. Because I really needed you."

"I'm always here, no matter what. We're best friends, remember?"

"Yeah. So that means next time you get pregnant you tell me, because I'll still love you."

"Deal."

"In the name of full disclosure, wanna know something?"

"I always do, especially if it's making you smile like that."

"Well… I haven't told Danny yet, but there's a reason I came home."

"Really?"

"You know, he came out to see me a few times."

"Yeah?"

"I guess my grandmother would call it "being in a family way" but-"

"You're pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"My heart explodeth with happiness," Lindsay said with a giggle.

"Mine too. And terrified-ness. I've been dying to tell someone but I wanted to wait and I want to make it just right when I tell Danny, so don't say a word, okay?"

"I won't, but I might clap my hands and dance around a little bit."

"I thought it would be forever before it happened again. I still don't know if I'm ready, and I'm still freaking out. You're going to have to pass on any mommy wisdom you've gotten, okay?"

"Done. Man, this is like a romcom where the friends are pregnant at the same time."

"Hormones ensue."

"Husbands freak out."

"Box office hit."

* * *

They spent the afternoon watching _Gilmore Girls_ and discussing the finer points of who should have ended up with whom. It had been a long two months without much talking and they had missed each other a lot. Husbands were one thing, friends were another, and they had been deprived for way too long.

Lindsay was stretched out along the couch in the most comfortable position she could manage, which really wasn't saying much. Her back was aching from the walking they had done and the movement of the baby wasn't helping very much.

"You cannot possibly be comfortable like that," Austin muttered, not looking up from the tattered copy of _What to Expect When You're Expecting._ "Can you even breathe?"

"Not really but my ankles don't feel so swollen."

"Robbing Peter to pay Paul?"

"Just you wait. This won't be so funny in six months when you can't get out of a chair without help."

"Shut your dirty rotten mouth."

Lindsay giggled and tugged on a strand of Austin's hair.

"The sun really did a number on you," she teased. "I think you could pull off blonde."

"You're insane. Danny would kill me."

"Yeah, he probably would. Heh, you as a blonde."

"That would be atrocious. Let's stop talking about it."

"Alright, alright. You want to stay for dinner?"

"Yes, but I should probably get home and feed Danny. Heavens knows he's been eating nothing but Chinese food and pizza for two months."

"How is that different than when you're home?"

"I would hit you with this book if you weren't with child."

"He ate some real food sometimes. Stella asked him everyday if he had eaten a vegetable. And pizza sauce didn't count."

"That's sweet."

"Of course, the peppers on a cheesesteak do count, so usually he could say yes. We did take care of him though. I promise."

"I appreciate it."

She stood up from the floor and stretched, sliding into her shoes and grabbing her coat.

"See ya later, Hindy. And good luck on your coming up with names date tonight."

"Don't worry, I won't let him talk me into Gerta."

"And all is right in the world. Love you."

"Love you too."

Austin slipped out the door and Lindsay sighed, putting her hand over the spot where the baby had decided to kick her repeatedly.

"What should we make for dinner kid? I think daddy might be tired of the ice-cream you keep requesting."

She struggled up off the couch and made her way into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge for inspiration. There wasn't much in there other than the few things she had been craving, none of which made dinner. She briefly considered going to the store, but didn't want to put out the effort. She felt like a slug, and she didn't really like that. She wanted to go and be active again, but it took so much energy that by the time she talked herself into it, she was already exhausted.

The phone rang and she made her way to it gracefully, wondering briefly if she had lost track of time and magically become nine months pregnant instead of six.

"Hello?"

"Hey babe."

"Hi. Are you coming home?"

"Yeah. Please tell me you haven't started dinner."

"Ironic that you should say that. Because I haven't."

"Good. We're going out. I forgot to tell you before."

"You forgot to tell me, or you just forgot?"

"A little of both. I would have remembered if I would have remembered to tell you."

"I think this is called a paradox? No. Not a paradox. But something like that. You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do. Can you be ready in twenty minutes?"

"What's the rush, honey?"

"Nothing. I just thought we could avoid some traffic if we leave earlier."

"I can try to be ready but you might have to wait for me a little. You didn't make reservations did you?"

"Nope. I can wait for you for a while."

"Alright, I'll go get my face on, but it's not my fault if I only manage to line one of my eyes."

"Aw, our wedding vows."

She giggled.

"I love you."

"Love you too. I'll be home soon."

* * *

It was much too cold for Coney Island and it was closed up for the season, but they walked along the beach anyway, slowly as the sun made its way down behind the city. The wind was still and they seemed to be the only ones around enjoying the peace and quiet. Their hands were joined, fingers loosely laced together, occasionally bumping shoulders as they went.

"I kind of like Tyson," she said on a sigh.

"Like the chicken?"

"No, like the name."

"I am not naming my kid after chicken."

"It's not chicken, it's a name!"

"But everyone will think chicken. Just like everyone will think hat if we named it Stetson."

"Or jeans if we go with Levi," she agreed, feeling slightly defeated.

"Exactly. Now buck up, we've only been through ten names."

"But we haven't even gotten to girls yet. I think we should just wait and see what pops out and name it the first thing that comes to mind."

"So you want to call our kid Epidural?"

"Epi is kind of a cute nickname."

"You'd annoy me if I didn't love you so much Linds."

"I don't know how to respond to that, but I think I'll just laugh."

"I thought you would be more… I don't know, screechy about this."

"We'll find names, I'm not worried. How about Tristan?"

"Too girly."

"Tucker."

"Dog name."

"Travis."

"Randy Travis and Travis Tritt. What is up with the T names?"

"Hmm. I don't know. Hank?"

"Dog name and who wants to be a synonym for a tissue?"

"Okay, why don't you suggest some names?"

"Fine. Colton."

She stopped in her tracks and smiled.

"We should have started with you. I like that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. A lot. And it fits with the Matthew we already picked for the middle name. I think we can actually put this one on the list."

"The list? With pen?"

"I think so."

He took the pen and paper out of his pocket and wrote the name down with a smile.

"Want to talk girls names now?"

"I think you should go first. You know, for luck."

"How about… Lucky?"

"Dear Universe, that was a joke, don't jinx us. Love, the woman who is about to kick her husband's butt."

"Okay, okay. Lynn."

"That's a middle name. Next."

"Cassidy. Erin. Makenzie. Olivia. Bailey."

"Okay stop, I can't keep up!" she giggled, elbowing him. He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, pressing a kiss to her temple. They stood like that for a few minutes, until the wind picked up and forced them back to the shelter of the car and to the warmth of home.

* * *

"You know what I was thinking?" Adam asked, shutting off the overhead light and closing the bedroom door.

"That you're going to take that t-shirt off before you get into bed?" Lindsay replied with a raised eyebrow.

"The things I do for you," he muttered, peeling the shirt off and tossing it on the floor.

"I'm sorry, but I get a headache from the smell of the detergent mixed with your body wash."

"You don't make me go shirtless during the day."

"It doesn't bother me during the day," she explained with a shrug as he crawled into bed next to her.

"You know, you can't use this pregnant excuse forever."

"I can if we have twenty four kids. And then I'll use menopause."

"I love you, but you're trouble."

"I try my best," she said, turning off her bedside lamp and wriggling under the blankets.

"So do you wanna hear what I was thinking or not?"

"Of course I do."

"I was thinking that we are both total failures."

"Failures? Why?"

"Tomorrow is our anniversary and we both forgot."

"I… didn't forget."

"Yes you did."

"Maybe a little."

"We suck."

"Okay, we'll do better next year."

"Deal."

She sighed and half rolled over, trying to find a happy medium between the charley horse in her leg and the tightness in her back and the general discomfort that being pregnant offered.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Will you just… I don't know. Will you rub my stomach?"

"If you give me three wishes," he commented, moving to fulfill her request.

"I think we've played this game before," she said on a sigh, closing her eyes as his hand moved over her skin.

"I don't think you gave me any wishes that time either."

"At least we have a tradition. That feels good by the way," she mentioned. His hands were dry from overuse of latex gloves, callused from holding a stick during street hockey, but still soft and gentle when he touched her. She pictured his hands tenderly holding a newborn, cradling the small head, safely embracing the new life against him, where it would always be safe. Her breath hitched in her throat before she even knew she was crying.

"Hon, what's the matter?"

"Nothing," she answered, wiping away the tears. "Nothing. It's just hormones."

"You sure?"

She nodded and he leaned up to kiss her.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered, brushing her hair back from her face. "I wish I could keep you all to myself forever. But that… that's just too selfish. Not the way I roll."

She smiled and ran her hand over his chest.

"Will you hold me?"

"I love when you ask me that," he said, readjusting. "Of course I will."

They settled into each other, and he pulled the blankets around them.

"Adam?"

"Hmm?"

"I read this article-"

"Oh great."

"And it said that sometimes parents forget each other after the baby is born. They don't mean to. But sometimes it happens. I don't want it to. I don't want us to not be us anymore."

"We'll be fine, sweetheart. I promise, we're going to make time for each other. Time for just you and me. And maybe it won't happen at first, but we're going to get there."

"Okay."

"You want to take off for a few days? One last hurrah before our days are filled with crying and diapers?"

"Yes please. Can we?"

"I'll see what I can figure out. It's going to be fine honey. You're just scared right now."

"Yeah."

"Go to sleep. I'm going to be here in the morning."

"You always are."

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."


	40. Chapter 40

A/N: If this leaves you utterly dissatisfied... I have done my job.

* * *

"Adam?"

The wavering in her voice should have made him more alert, but he was too asleep to respond to anything beyond the fact that there had just been a noise. He grunted and rolled over, burying his face in the pillow. Lindsay grabbed his shoulder and shook it gently, saying his name a little louder this time.

"Adam, wake up."

"What time is it?"

"It's… three a.m."

"Babe, have some tea and go back to sleep."

"I'm having contractions."

He sat up then, turning the lamp on to read her expression.

"Are you sure?"

"No, I'm just imagining this horrible pain."

"Sorry, that's not what I meant. It's just that we're weeks away from this. Are you sure it's not false labor?"

"I don't know."

"How long has it been going on?" he asked, grabbing a book off the inn table and flipping through it to the pages on labor and delivery.

"Half an hour, a little more. Less than five minutes apart."

"Okay," he said, standing up from the bed. "Shoes and coat. We need to get to the hospital."

"What if it's not… I mean what if we go in for nothing?"

"Then we'll sleep better knowing that. I'll call the doctor on the way."

"You're very calm," she noted, glad for his composure because her whole body seemed to be shaking.

"There's no reason to worry yet. Let's just go to the hospital and see what happens, okay?"

She nodded and took his hand as he helped her up, then nearly doubled over as another contraction hit. He held her up and she breathed deeply, clutching to him as if he was the only thing holding her together. It didn't last long, and soon she was standing upright again, though she was still shaking.

"This isn't supposed to happen now," she whispered, shaking her head. "It's too early. I'm not ready yet. The baby isn't ready yet. I can't do this."

"Stop freaking out and listen to me," he said, taking her face in his hands and staring deep into her eyes. "Everything is going to be okay. Maybe we'll be home in two hours, and maybe we'll be parents by noon. And while the former would be better, the latter is okay, and having a preemie is just a bump in the road. It's going to be okay."

"I'm scared. I know I've been saying that a lot, but right now, I really, really am."

"I'm going to be right here, holding your hand no matter what happens. But right now, me and the baby need you to relax, okay?"

She nodded and rested against him, sighing deeply and trying to keep her mind from going where it was so rapidly headed. He held her close, feeling the baby moving between them.

"We'd better get going, sweetheart. It's going to be fine."

They made it to the car quickly, only stopping once to wait out a contraction. They were quiet on the drive to the hospital, the city lights flashing over them as they held hands and stared out the windows. She whimpered with another contraction and he gave the car a little more gas, hating to see her in pain.

"Almost there honey. We're almost there."

* * *

"Okay," the doctor started, sitting down on the side of Lindsay's hospital bed. "We've got some decisions to make here. You are in labor, though not as far along as the increased contractions would indicate. I would like to do a few tests and check the baby's lung development, but if those turn out okay, I would be comfortable letting labor progress. However, the baby is measuring on the small side, so we're going to keep a close watch on the monitors for the time being. I know it's a lot at once, but we might need to make some fast decisions, so I want to put some things out there for you. Ready?"

Lindsay and Adam looked at each other and nodded.

"Alright. If the tests show that the baby's lungs aren't developed enough, we can administer steroids to help. We can also try and stop labor if we need to, though you're 34 weeks along, so stopping labor is only going to put a lot of drugs into your system and keep you on bedrest for a while. I also need to do an ultrasound, because the last time we peeked, the baby was head up. If it hasn't moved we might have to consider a c-section. Any questions so far?"

"No," Adam replied, speaking for both of them as he brushed Lindsay's hair back from her face.

"Okay. I'm going to go ahead and have the nurse start those tests, but page me if you need anything."

She gave them a reassuring smile before slipping quietly out of the room.

"You okay, honey?"

"I think so."

"You're going inside your head."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean too. I just can't seem to catch up."

"It's okay. I'll keep up for both of us. You've got more to think about."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as his fingers continued to weave through her hair. It was taking everything she had in her not to break down and sob. She wasn't as worried as she had been, but there was still that nagging fear that something was going to go wrong. The monitors beeped steadily around her, just as they should, as if everything was normal. Adam crawled up next to her and closed his arms around her, nuzzling her cheek and earning a small smile. They didn't say anything, but she felt more at ease with every moment, even when a contraction stole her breath away.

"Almost over," Adam said, rubbing the small of her back, which seemed to help slightly.

"I am getting an epidural. I don't care who wants to call me a lightweight."

"And there's my girl."

She rolled her eyes and struggled to sit up a little, knowing she needed to think about this point by point if she was going to keep from panicking. A tiny hand pressed against her and she smiled, covering it with her own.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

She knew that this wasn't her fault, but she had to hear him say it.

"You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes this happens."

"Okay."

"Wanna riff some Telemundo while we wait?"

"Our child is going to grow up with such class."

* * *

It was moving too fast and spinning out of control and Lindsay could feel her chest tightening with anxiety. The baby's heart rate had started to drop with every contraction, and the doctor said something about a prolapsed cord and a breech delivery. Before she knew it, she was being whisked into an operating room in a blur of bright lights and blue scrubs. It actually smelled depressed in there and she didn't even notice them prepping her for surgery while she frantically looked for Adam. She knew her heart rate was going up but should couldn't stop the fear the gripped her. She wanted to curl into a ball and make the world go away, snap out of it all just as she had so many years ago.

"Honey, you need to breathe," one of the nurses coached.

"Where's Adam?"

"He'll be here in a minute. This is going to take a while, so he won't miss anything."

Lindsay nodded and closed her eyes, feeling absolutely helpless as she lay on the operating table, not even sure what was going on. She wanted to pretend it was all a dream. She wanted to wrap her hands around her stomach, yell at the doctors to leave her alone, to let her take care of her baby herself. Tears flowed freely as she laid there, quite possibly more scared than she had ever been in her life.

"Hey babe."

She opened her eyes and smiled at the sight of Adam in scrubs and a mask, his eyes clouded with worry for her.

"Tell me again," she whispered horsely.

"Everything is going to be fine," he said, sitting down on the stool the nurse offered him. He dropped his head down next to hers, holding her the best way he could.

"We're ready, right?"

"We're ready. I think you were always ready."

She smiled a little and he traced her face with his finger, a fool-proof action of calm. Her shaking had returned but she wasn't so scared anymore, despite the fact that she knew she was literally about to be sliced open.

Adam was talking to her, but she wasn't hearing him. Everything had started to buzz and she could feel lots of pressure and tugging and it felt as if she was floating. She was aware of the commotion around her, but couldn't process it. It was if reality was hovering just out of her grasp. She was waiting for a cry or something and she struggled to hold on just a little longer, until everything was okay.

She could barely recognize the words _It's a boy_ before everything became silent and the world closed into a blissful white.


	41. Chapter 41

"_Hey Lindsay, guess what I got?"_

"_What?" she asked, one hand on her hip while she used the other to stir Kool-aid. _

"_Season six," he answered, producing a set of DVDs from behind his back. "I thought we could watch them and transport ourselves back to 1999."_

_She left the stirring for a moment, grabbing the DVDs from him and grinning._

"_Can I just regress about ten years here and say Score!"_

"_Exactly what I was expecting. C'mon."_

_She put the Kool-aid into the fridge and followed him out into the other room. _

"_Want to start at the beginning or just pick an episode at random?"_

"_Random. It's not like we haven't seen all of them before anyway."_

"_You're a mind reader my friend," he commented, putting a disc into the player and joining her on the couch. The second the episode teaser started, she knew which one he had picked. _

"_Oh no, now I'm going to be talking in a hick accent all night!"_

"_What do you call your normal voice?"_

_She pushed him and snickered, drawing her knees up to her chest as the fictional story played out in front of them. They made snide comments and laughed through the whole thing, enjoying watching it together more than they ever had watching it alone._

"Well it seems to me that the best relationships, the ones that last, are frequently the ones rooted in friendship."

_Lindsay had forgotten that line was even in this episode and wasn't prepared for the way it grabbed her. She wanted to make a joke, but couldn't think of one, and before she could do damage control, the rest of the line came out._

"You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And this person who was just a friend is suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with."

_She didn't want to look over at him, but she couldn't stop herself. Slowly, she turned and their eyes met, each with a little shy hesitation. He gave her a grin and she smiled back, finding herself completely enraptured. Even though it was just a TV line, even though it carried no real weight, she couldn't look away from him. She could tell he was feeling the same thing. They weren't close friends for no reason; they'd both always been easy reads, at least to each other._

_She mentally begged him to say something or do something or otherwise break the silence. As much as she could feel a connection, and as much as she loved it, she was afraid of where it might go. Part of her wanted him to reach for her hand and part of her just wanted to let the moment pass, something they could discuss later._

"_Wanna go for a walk?" he asked finally. She nodded and they stood up, quickly heading outside where some of the surprise tension faded. They strolled slowly, neither saying anything for several blocks before he stopped to face her._

"_I know you felt that too," he started, being as bold as she had ever seen him._

"_I did," she admitted. He nodded and continued to walk._

"_Wait," she blurted out, taking a deep breath._

_He turned back around, his expression quizzical._

"_What do we do?" she asked, not sure what she wanted the answer to be._

"_I don't know."_

_They were quiet, watching each other again, standing on the middle of the sidewalk as a late spring storm thundered miles away._

"_Maybe we should try."_

_She smiled a little at his words._

"_You think so?"_

"_Yeah. What's the worst that could happen?"_

"_We'd break up and hate each other."_

"_No, I mean the worst that could happen to us."_

"_We'd break up and it would be awkward for a while. Then it might go back to normal."_

"_What do you think? Should we conduct this experiment?"_

"_Yes."

* * *

_

She opened her eyes slowly, finding herself in the semi-darkness. Everything was a fog, she couldn't quite remember what was happening, or what had happened. She whimpered and turned her head, looking for some kind of hint as to what had happened.

"Hey kiddo."

"Stell."

"How are you feeling?"

"Groggy. What happened?"

"There were just some complications. But you're fine. And your son is fine."

"I wanna see him."

"I know."

"Is he okay?"

"He's small. They've got him on oxygen and a feeding tube but he's just fine. Adam is with him now."

"I need to go," she said, struggling to sit up. "Why can't I move my legs?"

"The epidural is still wearing off. Don't sit up."

"But-"

"Lindsay, you lost a lot of blood. You need to rest."

"No," she sighed. "I need them."

"I know. Just take a breath. I'll go find your doctor okay?"

"Okay."

"Want me to send Austin in?"

"Yes."

Stella nodded and slipped out the door, leaving Lindsay to herself for a moment. She tried to think back, remember what had happened, but it was still just a jumble. She was sure the drugs weren't making her recall any smoother.

"Hey Linds."

She looked up and gave Austin a small smile.

"Hey."

"You scared us," she said softly.

"I did?"

"Yeah. You're going to be okay though."

"Have you seen him?"

"The baby? No, he's in the NICU. I suspect in one of those nice warm cribs, the kind I'm always jealous of in the winter."

"I need my baby, Austin."

"I know. Believe me, I know."

They looked at each other, a moment of understanding passing between them. Austin reached over and brushed Lindsay's hair behind her ear, the only comforting action she could think of. She'd never been very good at taking care of people, and seeing her best friend in this much pain made her want to run from the room. It wasn't that she was an emotional flatline. Quite the opposite actually. She just didn't want to be consumed by it.

"Aust?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't think I can do this," she whispered quickly before the tears started to fall. She tried so hard to keep them in, tried so hard to be strong, but she could feel herself crumbling. She knew it was because she hadn't seen the baby, hadn't seen Adam, hadn't even talked to the doctor. She was drugged up and overwhelmed and lacking in information and it scared her to death to know that things were going on that were totally out of her control.

Austin remained silent, letting Lindsay cry, shedding a tear or two herself. She knew the feeling of helplessness and desperation well, and maybe it was a little more fresh than she had once thought. It was over ten minutes that they just sat there quietly.

The door opened slowly and Stella poked her head in.

"Hey, Adam's on his way down here," she reported with a smile. "He took some pictures for you."

"Okay."

Austin leaned over and pushed the button to raise the bed just a little, knowing that Lindsay really shouldn't be upright yet.

"I think I'm going to head home for now," she said, standing up. "I'll swing back by in the morning before work."

"Could you call my mom, Aust?"

"Already done. Get some rest, Linds."

"I'll try."

The door opened again and Adam entered. Their eyes locked so intensely that she didn't even notice Austin and Stella leaving.

"Lindsay."

There was something about the way he said her name, something about the speed of his steps and the way he sat down and pulled her to him that made her wonder if everything was really alright.

"Is he okay?" she asked as Adam's hold on her tightened. "I need you to tell me what's going on. I need to know."

He pulled back a little and she was surprised to see his face stained with so many tears. It scared her half to death and would have scared her more if she didn't see relief in his eyes too.

"He's good. He's perfect. We've just been hanging out in the NICU, waiting for you to wake up."

"Something's wrong."

"No. Not anymore."

"Stop being cryptic. I need to know."

He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead to hers for a long time before he answered.

"We almost lost you."

She had never heard such brokenness in his voice before, or anyone's for that matter. Her stomach lurched at the thought and she drew in a ragged breath to calm it.

"What?"

"You lost a lot of blood, honey. You… your heart stopped."

He struggled to get the words out and the last few were barely audible as he closed his eyes and wished it away.

"They weren't sure if they could get you back."

He didn't need to say more for her to understand. He'd been scared out of his mind, and until the moment he saw her, that fear had been right there. She held him as tightly as he held her, giving him the reassurance that he needed so badly.

"I love you so much, Lindsay. I don't tell you enough."

"You tell me every day."

"I don't tell you enough," he insisted, leaning down to kiss her, putting the thoughts of what had almost happened out of both of their minds.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I need to see him."

"I know. The doctor will be here in a few minutes. She needs to clear you before you can be moved, okay?"

"Okay."

"In the meantime, I think I have filled up the memory card already," he said, pulling the camera out of his pocket. "Wanna see?"

She nodded as vigorously as she could, and he smiled, handing her the camera.

"They've got him wrapped up pretty good because he doesn't have much body fat and he has a hard time staying warm. He's got a feeding tube, but they said he might be able to have regular feedings soon. And he's got a little jaundice, but not as much as some of the other babies in there."

"He's so small," she said, feeling a little left out and disappointed that she could only see him on a two inch screen.

"Yeah. Four and a half pounds. He's strong though. Already good at grabbing fingers."

"He has your eyes."

"For now, but I bet they go dark like yours."

"What… what does it feel like to hold him?"

"It feels like the pinnacle moment. The best thing you've ever done, the thing you've been missing your whole life and just discovered."

She smiled at his words, wishing to feel it herself, but loving this new dimension to him, this place where he was completely enraptured by this brand new life, a life they had created together in a moment of ultimate connection. She didn't think it was possible to fall in love with him any more, but she had. She was forgetting about the anxiety, the disappointment, and all the other things she had been feeling in the last several hours. Now she just felt love. It settled her nerves and held her tight, and for a little while, she could be content.

* * *

She supposed it was quite normal to fear rejection from her child, feel that their all important first moment of bonding had been taken away. Normal or not, it was right there in her chest as Adam wheeled her slowly down the hallway. Her heart beat faster the closer they got, from anticipation of both forms. She reached up and grabbed Adam's hand, needing his reassurance more than she ever had before.

"What's the matter?" he asked, crouching down next to her.

"I don't know."

He knew her fears even if she couldn't put them into words, and he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"It's going to be okay. You're his mommy. He knows you. They say babies remember the sound of their mother's heart beating. He's going to need to hear that."

"Okay."

He stood up again and pushed her into the quiet NICU and over to the corner where their son was laying in a small bassinet. It wasn't the covered kind with hand holes that she had seen in other hospitals and that reassured her slightly. There was a warming light near him and he looked so peaceful that she almost didn't want to touch him. There were two leads on his chest, keeping track of all his vital signs, while a tiny nasal cannula gave him just a little extra oxygen. There was a feeling tube taped to his cheek, but Lindsay didn't want to think about that little tidbit.

She reached out hesitantly and touched his hand, the connection almost sending shock waves through her. His small fingers curled around hers and held on tightly, even in his sleep.

"You wanna hold him?" Adam asked.

"Can I?"

"Yeah. I'm even getting pretty good at getting him moved, even with all his accessories," he said, rearranging the tubes and wires to make for easier swaddling. She watched in near awe at the tenderness with which Adam held their son. He was sure of himself and quick in his work, and before long he was placing the baby in her arms.

"There you go, buddy. There's your mommy."

She couldn't even process the absolute wonder she felt as she looked down at her son. He was perfect. He had a little pout on his face, his bottom lip sucked in just a bit. He had some hair, but not much and his head was tiny. She traced her finger over his face, marveling at his soft skin and how she could love him this much.

"He looks like you," she said after a moment.

"Maybe a little."

She didn't know what else there was to say and she found herself just staring in near disbelief. Every thought she had seemed to fizzle out and then stop, as if it wasn't even good enough for the brain space.

Brand new eyes opened slowly, a sea of deep denim blue that looked straight up at her, as if he had been waiting for this moment as much as she had.

"Hi Colton," she whispered, stroking his head. "I'm your mommy."

He blinked slowly then resumed the eye contact while she found his hand again and stroked his fingers.

"I'm sorry, baby. I did the best I could."

Adam pulled up a chair next to her, sliding his arm around her and holding her close.

"It's not your fault, Lindsay. You know that."

"I should have done something better," she said.

"Stop it. He's just fine. And there is nothing you could have done to change this."

"I know that."

She rested her head on his shoulder and smiled when his hand covered hers. This was finally it. The real beginning.


	42. Chapter 42

"Are you sure he's okay to go home?" Lindsay asked, hovering over Colton's crib as the nurse checked his temperature for the last time.

"He's doing great, Lindsay. He's gaining weight, he's eating well and his jaundice is gone. He's ready to go home, I promise."

"I just…"

"It's okay. A lot of moms are scared. I know he's little and I know you're used to him being monitored all the time, but everything is going to be okay."

"But it's cold and flu season. What if-"

"Lindsay. All you have to do is follow the precautions and instructions we gave you. And if you feel uncomfortable, don't hesitate to call your doctor or even call us. Okay?"

"Alright."

"Did Adam go to get the carseat?"

"Yeah, he should be back in a minute."

"Just enough time to change that diaper then."

Lindsay chuckled and moved to stand over the crib. Colton's eyes lit up when he saw her, and he waved his arm in greeting.

"Hi, little boy," she said, leaning down to kiss him. He gurgled happily at her affection, and she made quick work of changing his diaper and getting him dressed. He watched her as she worked, his expression one of curiosity. It was a look he gave them a lot and he looked just like Adam when he did it.

It had only been five days in the NICU, and Lindsay couldn't believe he was coming home already. He'd gained some weight, but still wasn't a chubby newborn like she had been imagining he would be. The nurses had gotten him on a pretty good sleeping and eating schedule, which was going to make life a lot easier. She herself had only been discharged this morning, and couldn't wait to get home where it was cozy and quiet.

"Are you ready to go home buddy?" she asked, lifting him out of the crib and cradling him against her chest. He immediately started to fall asleep and she hummed softly, sitting down in the rocking chair and wrapping him in a blanket.

"Hey," Adam greeted, setting the carseat down on the ground and dropping a kiss to her hair. "We ready to go?"

"Yeah, in a minute. I want to make sure he's all the way asleep before we move him."

"Okay. I just got off the phone with your mom. She said that they can come any time you're up for house guests."

"I'll call her later. I want to get settled in before I start thinking about all that other stuff."

"It's a plan. He's out?"

"I think so. I'm not sure how to buckle him into this thing though."

"That's okay, I can do it."

She handed the baby to him and watched as he settled him carefully into the seat, strapping him in as if he had done it hundreds of times.

"Are we all set? Paperwork done and all that?"

"Yep, we're all yours," she said with a smile.

He offered her his hand and she took it, standing up from the chair slowly as her incision was still sore.

"I think we just have to check out at the desk and we're good."

It didn't take long before they were headed outside and to the car. It was windy out, and Lindsay stopped before they went through the doors to wrap a few more blankets around the baby. She may have been worrying a little too much, but she figured it was no one else's business anyway.

"Now don't get mad," Adam started, once they were all settled in the car. "But I'm going to take you guys home and then hit the grocery store because we have nothing."

"I just went shopping."

"Yeah. But… see when I don't have you to cook for me, even for five days, I tend to just eat everything in sight. Meaning that there is nothing left for later."

"I see."

"I'll be fast though, I promise."

"You know what?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's just order Chinese tonight. I don't want you to have to go out again, especially if it's going to start snowing."

"You don't mind sending the delivery boy out in the snow?"

"I don't love him."

"Good. What is your feeling about a nice long nap then?"

"I have very positive feelings about that."

* * *

She was woken several hours later, out of a deep sleep that she had not even come close to having in the hospital. Colton was crying, not loudly, just little squawks, and she wasn't used to the noise, so it took a while for her to wake up. By the time she did, Adam had already gotten up and walked over to the cradle, and she watched him through sleepy eyes, her heart nearly bursting at what she saw.

"Hi son," he whispered, reaching down and picking Colton up carefully, keeping him swaddled as he held him close. "You can't be hungry yet, mama just fed you."

Colton grunted but stopped crying, seemingly content with the attention.

"I see, you were just lonely over here. You can come and lay down with me and mama for a while."

Lindsay wanted to roll over and cuddle up with them, but fought the urge when Adam continued his one sided conversation as he laid down on the bed.

"There, that's better, isn't it? Yeah, I think so too. I've been waiting a long time for you two to come home, you know. It's lonely here at night by myself. I don't do so great alone. I wouldn't tell just anyone that though. Your mama doesn't even know how bad off I was before she came along. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a complete wreck, but I spent a lot of time by myself. Sometimes that's good, but people need people. Then your mama showed up. And she's been right there next to me ever since. She's my best friend, you know. She's amazing. Someday you'll see that for yourself, but for right now, let me just tell you that you are the luckiest kid in the whole world. As for me, I don't really know what I'm doing here, but I am going to do the best I can. I'm always going to love you and take care of you, no matter what."

Lindsay stretched a little and rolled over, still feigning sleep, but watching her boys through half closed eyes. Colton was curled up on Adam's chest, blinking slowly as sleep took him. He was dwarfed by Adam's hand on his back, and she smiled internally at the contrast.

"She's beautiful, isn't she? I thought that from the very first time I saw her at work. I think it every time I look at her. I love her so much I can't even explain it. And she knows this, but I want to tell you too, son. The three of us are always going to be a family. You don't ever have to worry about that. Mama and I are always going to be here for you and we're always going to be here for each other. I'm not going to be like my dad was. I promise you that."

Lindsay watched as Adam tenderly kissed Colton's head, then stood up and settled him back in the cradle. She waited until Adam crawled back into bed before she yawned and pretended to wake up.

"Hey hon," he said, wrapping his arm around her while she yawned. "Did I wake you up?"

"No," she replied softly. "I just wanted to tell you somethin'."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

"You woke up just to tell me that?"

"Pretty much."

"Well I love you too," he chuckled, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I'm going to go back to sleep now."

"Okay. I'll order dinner in a little bit, and then we can discuss the pros and cons of us becoming hermits for the next few days before I have to go back to work."

"It's a date."

"Go back to sleep, love."

She closed her eyes and smiled, very much enjoying this new life.


	43. Chapter 43

A/N: Sometimes a chapter goes where you totally didn't mean for it to.

* * *

"There, that's much better isn't it?" Lindsay said, lifting Colton off the bed and kissing his cheek. "You really needed that bath didn't you?"

He hiccupped and flexed his hand sleepily while he stared at her. She brushed his hair off his forehead, smiling at his relaxed expression. He looked more like Adam every day, and the similarities made her love them both even more.

"Wanna go rock for a little bit? Take a nap?"

He yawned and she took him into the other room, finding both cats curled up on the rocking chair.

"You guys are killin' me," she sighed, sitting down on the couch just before the phone rang. "Lovely."

She managed to reach up and grab the phone without disturbing Colton too much.

"Hello?"

"Hey hon. What are you doing?"

"We're just crashed out on the couch. Are you on your way home?"

"Yeah…"

"I hear a big but coming."

"Are you up for company?"

"Sure."

"Because I don't think I can keep Austin and Stella away much longer."

"No, that's fine. Adult conversation will be nice."

"Hey, I talk to you."

"I know that, but I said adult conversation."

"You're mean," he chuckled.

"I feel asleep last night listening to you telling me the pros and cons of every gaming system you've ever had."

"You asked!"

"Okay, I guess I did. How long until you get here?"

"Couple minutes. The girls are right behind me."

"Alright. We'll see you in a bit."

She hung up the phone and looked down at Colton who was sleeping peacefully. He'd grown so much in the last week that they had been home, but was just now fitting into newborn sized clothes. She was used to his crying at night now, and all his little noises during the day, and the worry that he was going to get sick was a lot further from her mind than it had been. Time was going by too fast and she wanted to hold on to every second that she could.

The door opened and Adam came in, Stella and Austin behind him.

"Hey little man," Adam greeted, kissing Colton's head.

"He just had a bath but managed to make a diaper for you."

"I can feel the love," he dead-panned, taking the baby from her and heading into the other room.

"Hi kiddo," Stella said, joining her on the couch and hugging her. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm exhausted. It's a good exhausted, but I'm pretty sure that the bags underneath my eyes are big enough for a family of twelve to take on vacation."

"Don't you sleep when he sleeps?" Austin asked, lowering herself onto the other end of the couch and propping her feet up on the coffee table. She was only four months along herself, but the baby had had a growth spurt recently, and she was still having trouble balancing sometimes.

"If I didn't still have insomnia, I would sleep when he sleeps. I'm getting about four hours at night, which is more than I have gotten at various points in my life. I'll survive."

"I couldn't do it," Stella said, shaking her head. "I can go on very little sleep, but what sleep I do get had better not be interrupted."

"That's what I said," Lindsay shrugged.

"But a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do," Austin offered, as Adam came back into the room, cradling a freshly diapered baby.

"Alright, who wants Captain Hiccup first?"

"I think Stella should. Coming over uninvited was her idea after all," Austin reasoned with a grin. She had actually been allowed into the NICU for a few minutes one afternoon, but figured that no one else needed to know that she had been the first to see the baby.

"Linds, you're in trouble. He looks just like Adam," Stella noted.

"I'm hoping that looks aren't an indicator of behavior."

"I love you too, dear," Adam said with a roll of his eyes before he went back into the other room.

"Is it wrong and very unmommy-like of me to ask what's going on at work?"

"You really want to know that?" Stella asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well… yeah. I mean, I would rather be home with him than at work, but I do kind of feel left out."

"Flack has a black eye," Austin said, her voice far more cheerful than it should have been.

"How did that happen?"

"He underestimated a girl," she answered with a sneer.

"You?"

"No. A woman after my own heart. A crack dealer, but still, he had it coming."

"Please expand."

"Well, Danny and Flack went to arrest this suspect that Flack had been trying to build a case against for a couple months. And you know how jazzed he gets when he's about to make an arrest so he was a little overzealous in his takedown, and wasn't counting on the fact that girlfriend's a scrappy fighter and used to fending off all sorts of people. So instead of an easy collar, Flack walked away with a black eye and his unused cuffs, while Danny had to catch the woman, who by the way weighs about a hundred pounds dripping wet. And there Flack stands with a bloody nose, a black eye and a seriously deflated ego."

"I would have paid so much money to see that," Lindsay chuckled.

"I was in a squad car half a block away and I still saw enough to fill the mental image bank for the next forty years."

"Please tell me that the much lauded Jessica Angell was also there and found great hilarity in the situation which only added to the awkward hurdles Flack will have to overcome in his pursuit of her."

"Happy freakin' birthday Linds because that is exactly what happened."

"You guys get way too much joy out of other people's pain," Stella said with a smirk.

"Not everyones. Just Flacks."

"Thanks for the clarification."

"If he wasn't so cocky all the time, it wouldn't be so funny."

"If Austin hadn'ta dated him, it wouldn't be so funny."

"Lindsay Ross, shut your dirty rotten mouth."

Lindsay just giggled and shook her head. It didn't take much to get a rise out of Austin, but she had yet to make her truly mad.

"Are you guys staying for dinner?" Adam asked, poking his head out of the kitchen.

"Depends. What are you burning?"

"Austin, you're a pain."

"I'm memorable."

"If you must know, it's my night to cook, which means pizza. If you're staying I need to order more."

"And breadsticks!"

"And Buffalo Wings!"

"I never should have asked," he muttered with a smile before going back into the kitchen.

"You can actually get him to cook?" Austin asked, the shock in her voice very obvious.

"Yeah. He likes to cook, but when his night to cook falls on a night that he's worked, he usually just orders out. Which is great for me because that means leftovers the next night."

"I never would have guessed that you two had that much structure in your routine."

"Oh please. Compared to you and Danny we're completely schoolteacher's girdle."

"Whoa. I think I know what that means, but I am totally stuck on the mental image here."

"I'm memorable too."

* * *

Night fell quietly over the apartment, darkening it because they hadn't bothered to turn on very many lights. Colton was bundled up and settled in his cradle, at least for the next few hours. Adam sat up in bed, reading the latest issue of a gaming magazine and squeezing a stress ball in one hand. It wasn't that he was stressed as much as he had found the ball in his sock drawer earlier that morning. Lindsay was finishing the dishes in the kitchen and when he heard the light flick off, he knew she was coming to bed. She walked in the door and he grinned.

"What's that?"

She smirked and handed him a glass of milk, letting the bag of cookies drop onto the bed from where she held it between her teeth.

"I felt like breaking the rules," she answered, slipping into bed next to him.

"Why do we have forks?"

"Because," she started, picking up an Oreo and stabbing the tines of the fork through the double stuffed filling. "Now no mushed cookie in the bottom of your milk."

"You're awesome," he chuckled, grabbing his own cookie and trying out her invention.

"So, what do you think?"

"I think you're very smart."

"Well, I kinda stole the idea, but you can keep thinking I'm smart if you want to."

"Okay."

She smiled and rested her head against his shoulder.

"Know what?"

"No, what?"

"You're nice."

"Oh am I?" he asked, amused.

"Yeah. You disappeared and let a girls night commence. I needed it."

"I thought you might," he said around the cookie in his mouth.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome," he said, leaning down to kiss her.

"Hmm, cookie kiss."

"Good or bad?"

"Not bad. But it is a cookie after all."

"And here I was thinking it was me."

"Foolish man."

He smiled.

"It's snowing outside," she commented.

"Really? That wasn't in the forecast."

"It never is."

"You wanna go play in it, don't you?"

"The urge is there, but it's too cold."

He nodded and set his empty glass on the side table, then wrapped his arm around her.

"Honey?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good," she answered, gracing him with a bright smile. He tucked her hair behind her ear, his face turning serious.

"Are you sure?"

She sighed, closing her eyes for a second before answering.

"I'm supposed to be," she whispered, her voice breaking a little. "Everything is just right. And I'm happy. But for some reason… I don't know. Maybe it's hormones or maybe it's I don't know, the baby blues? Maybe I just get overwhelmed or scared or something."

She took a deep breath, fighting tears of guilt and squeezing her eyes shut.

"Sometimes I guess I… wish that we had waited a little longer. It's not that I don't want Colton here and it's not that I don't love him, but… am I horrible?"

"No."

She took a deep breath and tried to wipe away the tears that were falling, but they were coming a little too fast.

"It was easier before," she confessed. "When it was just you and me, I never wondered if you were happy. I know what you need and you know what I need and it works. That doesn't mean that it's effortless, but now he's here and I'm constantly worried that I'm going to do something wrong. Worried that he's going to hate me. Worried that I worry too much. Worried that all the feelings are going to keep building up and I'm going to end up with post-partum depression and that terrifies me more than I can even say. And I wanted to tell you all this and I tried so many times, and I just couldn't get it out and admitting it is making it real. And then I started having flashbacks to the times when I've had to deal with depression before and I didn't want you to see that. And I knew it was wrong to keep it from you, but I didn't want to scare you and I didn't want you to stop trusting me with him and I just didn't know what to do."

She fell into his arms and let the tears fall uninhibited while he kept his arms around her and let his heart break just as hers did.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I can't do it."

"Yes you can. You are doing it. Honey, look at me."

She lifted her head and he framed her face with his hands, wiping her tears away.

"I can't tell you that I know how you feel, because I don't. I do know how scared you are though, because I'm scared too. And with everything else, I don't know how you're doing this. It's not just a little thing. It's not something that we can fix ourselves."

"I know. But the thought of going to a therapist and getting on medication again… it kills me. It doesn't make me any better. It just makes me feel less. Happy or sad, I just don't feel it. I don't want to be that empty person again."

Another sob rose in her throat and she rubbed at her eyes, trying to calm herself.

"I'm so sorry, Adam. This isn't fair to you."

"What isn't?"

"You fell in love with a broken person."

He was shocked into silence and could only sit there as the tears took her over once again. He wanted to reassure her, but the words seemed to form apart from each other, just snippets of phrases that he couldn't grab. He knew he had to say something or she might think he was agreeing, or accepting an apology for something that wasn't her fault.

"Lindsay."

"Y-yeah?"

"You are not broken."

"I am."

"No. You might have some scratches and dents and dings, but you are not broken. Do you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Then believe me."

"I'm a bad mother."

"Don't you ever say that again. Ever."

The intensity in his voice would have scared her if not for the compassion she found in his eyes.

"A bad mother is one who feels these things and ignores them. A bad mother doesn't worry about being a bad mother. You are not a bad mother and you never will be. I know that failure seems so close, and I know you're scared of it, but it's not going to happen to you. It's just not."

"I'm glad you believe in me because I don't."

"You will."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No. Baby, I'm worried about you, but I'm not mad. I'm glad that you told me. Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Keep telling me."

She sniffled and nodded.

"It feels better. It's not fixed, but it feels a lot better."

They held each other for a long time, breathing together as if that would calm the mind as much as it calmed the body.

"Honey, I don't want you to hesitate to tell me anything anymore, okay?"

"Okay."

"That said, is there anything else?"

"Just one thing."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They had a short staring contest which ended when a grin cracked across her face. He smiled too and brushed her hair back from her face before kissing her forehead.

"Thank you, Adam."

"You're welcome. Do you want me to get up with him tonight?"

"No, I will. I need to."

He nodded his understanding, then reached over her to turn the lamp off. They had a long road ahead of them, and there were going to be bumps in it, but he was sure that if he just kept holding on, they would make it.


	44. Chapter 44

"I'll only be gone a few hours, I hope," Lindsay said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I know."

"You can call me if-"

"I'm not calling you."

"Adam, just… humor me okay?"

"Babe, we're going to be just fine. I promise."

"I know. I'm not worried about you guys. This is just the first time I've been away from him."

He nodded as Lindsay stooped down and gently stroked Colton's cheek. He would never cease to be fascinated at the love that radiated from her eyes every time she looked at their son, would never tire of watching them together.

"You'll be fine, honey. You need to get out of this place for a bit anyway, and I bet he sleeps the whole time."

"Okay."

"Go and take care of business and then we'll take you out to dinner."

"Alright."

He helped her into her coat, then grabbed her shaking hands, squeezing them gently.

"It's gonna be okay."

She smiled and nodded, looking up into his eyes until she captured the calm.

"I know. I love you."

"Love you too. We'll be here when you get back."

He kissed her gently and then she was gone, leaving the boys alone.

"Well buddy, what do you think? Wanna watch me play Mario?"

Colton gave no answer but to blow a spit bubble and kick his leg a little before flopping it down on the couch.

"Looks like it's time for you to have a nap. We can channel surf for a while. That usually puts your mama to sleep."

He reached down and carefully lifted the baby up, cradling him against his chest, then laying down across the couch. Flipping through the channels slowly, he yawned in response to Colton's small snores. He loved his days off purely for moments like this where he just got to be the dad and that was it. No one asked him questions, there was no trace to process, no computers to search, no DNA to analyze. It was just him and Colton.

Christmas was coming, in two days to be exact, and they had yet to even go shopping. It wasn't that they were being grinches, but everything had just been in such a whirlwind lately, they hadn't had time to think about it.

Lindsay was doing a lot better now, her smile truly bright. She talked to him every day about how she was feeling and what she was thinking and that had seemed to help her. She was visiting her doctor today, just for peace of mind, but he was sure everything was going to be okay soon. It wasn't so much the baby blues or depression as it was her fear of letting her walls down. That was something that she was going to have to keep working on. She'd made immense progress in the last few years, he knew that for a fact. Her mom claimed it was because of him, but he knew better.

Over an hour passed while he watched TV, the volume down low and his mind working at a comfortably lazy pace. Colton started to squirm, then let out a squawk of hunger.

"Okay buddy, let's go."

He stood up and went to the kitchen, grabbing a pot out of the cupboard and filling it with water before setting it on the stove.

"You're lucky your mama plans ahead," he commented, taking a bottle and setting it in the pot. It really didn't take long to warm the bottle, and Colton hadn't even gotten to full blown crying by the time it was done.

"Okay, here we go. Sustenance."

He sat down on the couch and found a comfortable position, then offered Colton the bottle. He took it hungrily, snorting and sniffling and really sounding like a little piglet as he ate. Adam chuckled, amazed and how quickly the bottle was gone.

"That's my boy," he said, setting the empty bottle down and grabbing a rag to wipe Colton's face. "Time to burp and see if you can beat your record this time. Just don't tell mama that I encouraged this behavior. She'll tan my hide."

He could have sworn that the look Colton gave him before he burped was conspiratorial, but he had no witnesses, so he would just have to hope it happened again.

"You're going to lapse into a milk coma, aren't you? Mind if I join you in that pursuit? I knew you wouldn't mind."

They stretched out on the couch once again, Adam dropping a kiss onto Colton's head.

"I love you, little man."

* * *

That is how Lindsay found them when she came home a few hours later. She crouched down by the couch and smiled, running her fingers through Adam's hair and down his cheek. Out of the millions of people in the world, the billions of moments, the trillions of pieces of happenstance, they had found each other. Love had been such an amorphous thing, something that happened to other people, something that everyone else got to experience and enjoy. It had never come close to happening to her. And then she met him. And maybe the wait was actually good for her. Now she appreciated him more than she ever would have before. Now the simplicity of life took her breath away. Now she looked at him and could nearly cry tears of joy for her good fortune.

"Hey honey," Adam said as he woke up. "How'd it go?"

"Good," she answered with a nod. "I listened to _Jimmy Eat World_ on the way home."

"That's my girl. Wanna squeeze on up here and tell me about it?"

She nodded and they rearranged themselves into a semi-comfortable, but completely on the couch position. Colton grunted his disapproval at the movement, but settled down after a moment.

"She said that she doesn't think it's post-partum depression specifically, but she thinks there's a possibility of it turning into that. But she also said that since talking about it has helped so much she wants me to meet with her once a week for a while. I told her everything about the depression and the pills and… just everything. She's the first person I've said all that to besides you."

"Was it hard?"

"Not really. It still frustrates me though; that I don't know what started it. I don't know why I can remember being depressed at seven years old. I don't know why I felt it again when I was thirteen. If I could pinpoint it all back to that night, it would make sense. I could deal with it because I would know what it was."

"You live your life scared."

"I know. And I think that I never really dealt with that. After what happened I went to therapy what, three times? That's not anything. So I just let it go. And now that I'm finally in such a good place, I'm finally relaxed enough that it can creep back in."

"So you're too happy?"

She grinned wryly.

"Maybe. But it's not going to get me this time. I'm not going to close off and shut down like I used to do. And it's your job to make sure, okay?"

"Deal. So what's the plan? You're going to meet with her once a week?"

"For now. She said she doesn't want to put me on any medication because of what it's done to me before."

"That's probably good. I'm proud of you, you know."

"Thanks."

"We're all going to be just fine."

"Yeah, we are. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but you said something about going out to dinner?"

"Yes I did. Let me go shower and then we can go."

"I'd better feed the kid or he's going to make a scene."

"Race ya!"

She rolled her eyes and sat up, taking Colton from him.

"Your daddy is crazy."

"Your mama is crazier," Adam added.

"How do you figure?"

"You married me."

"You must have hypnotized me or something."

"Yeah, that was it. I'll be done in a while."

He dropped a kiss onto her head, then made his way into the other room.

"Hey, teeny little super guy," Lindsay said as Colton made his hungry face and began grunting for food. "I wanna have a talk with you."

She wrapped the blanket around him and situated them until he was comfortable.

"I'm not really sure what's going on with me, son. But I want you to know that I'm going to be okay. And it's not your fault. I want to be the best mama that I can, but it looks like I'm going to need a little help for a while. I promise you, Colton, I'm going to get better."

He grabbed onto her finger as if he understood, then gave her a little impish grin. She smiled back and took advantage of the connection and the eye contact, running her thumb over his fingers.

"I love you so much I can hardly stand it," she said with a little smile. "I'm always going to love you, no matter what. Because you're mine."


	45. Chapter 45

A/N: First, I LOVED the season premiere. Hard. Anything where they give Lindsay and actual story line is big. But this? Merry early Christmas! I'm in bliss. Second, yes, seeing Dantana on screen is weird. However. When it comes to the actual show, I am Dantana all the way. When it comes to fic, I am not. Third, I will have more grandmas in the next chapter, I promise.

* * *

"We've got to get going hon. We're gonna be late."

"I know," Lindsay said, rooting through the diaper bag. "I just want to make sure we have everything."

"You've packed that four times. I don't think you forgot anything the first time, but you might forget something if you repack it again."

"A three week old should not need this much stuff," she commented. "Should we take the stroller?"

Adam raised his eyebrow and settled Colton in the carseat, then tucked a few blankets around him.

"We don't need the stroller. It'll take up too much room in the car and then we won't have space for the grandmas suitcases."

"You make a good point."

"That's what I'm here for. Now finish that so we can get out of here."

"We won't be late. It's New Years Eve, no one is going to be out on the road."

"This is New York City, not Bozeman Montana."

"Adam, shut up," she said with a chuckle, standing up from the couch.

"Ready for the Invasion of the Baby Snatchers?"

"The Invasion of the Cheek Pinchers."

"The Invasion of the Infant Spoilers."

"The Invasion of the Unwarranted Advice Givers."

"The Invasion of the Invaders."

"Way to encompass it all."

"Yeah, I figured that between your mom and my mom and their shared love of telling really long stories, by the end of the week we're going to be begging for someone to encompass it all."

"You make me saner."

"More sane?"

"That as well."

"Good. Ready?"

"Yeah, let's go."

They made their way out of the freshly cleaned apartment and down to the car, only struggling a little with Colton's carseat. He was out for the count and would be for most of the afternoon.

"You want to stop and get hot chocolate on the way?" Adam asked, turning the heating vent in the car so it would blow on her more.

"Do I ever!" she said enthusiastically, moving to put her feet against the dashboard. He smiled and took her proffered hand, sliding his fingers in between hers.

"You know, I had a thought."

"Oh did you? And what pray tell might that be?" she asked, lifting her eyebrows and grinning.

"I was thinking that since both grandmas are going to be here, and they are both more than capable of taking care of a baby, I was thinking that maybe you and I could slip away for a couple hours, have dinner, see a movie, pretend we're dating again."

"That sounds perfect."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But?"

She sighed and glanced into the back seat.

"I don't know."

"You're going to have to leave him at some point."

"I know. But he's so little. I just don't want to miss anything."

"We don't have to go."

"No, I want to. I really do, like you wouldn't believe. But… I'll think about it."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry honey."

"It's okay. It's not like you stood me up for the prom. Besides, I get to sleep right next to you tonight, so I am pretty sure I'm still on the winning end of this one."

"Alright."

"I'm not gonna give up though. Because you are the beautiful and totally out of my league co-worker, and I am the guy who finally got up the nerve to ask you out."

"And you don't take no for an answer?"

"Oh, I'll take no. I just have to figure out a question you'll say yes to."

"Adam, you're awesome."

"Hey, thanks babe."

* * *

"Hi honey!" Anne greeted, rushing across baggage claim and pulling Lindsay into her arms. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, mama."

"Where's that grandson of mine?"

"Adam found the arcade."

"Start them young raise them right?"

"Doesn't just apply to the 49'ers anymore."

"I'm not surprised."

"No lecture on how video games lead to hard drugs?"

"If we're counting Mountain Dew as a hard drug."

"Man mom, you're getting really lax in your old age."

"I figure if I can let my daughter learn how to shoot when she's five, I can't be uptight about video games."

"No one likes a hypocrite."

"No they don't Annie Oakley."

Smiling, Lindsay grabbed her mother's carry-on and they made their way over to the baggage carousel.

"What time does Sue's flight get in?"

"Any minute. She might have landed already, the readerboard said it was early."

"We're meeting her down here?"

"Yeah. As much as the two of you talk, I'm surprised you didn't know that."

"We didn't talk about that as much as we talked about finding a really expensive salon and letting our husband's credit cards treat us to a day of pampering."

"And what about me?"

"You'll be busy doing pampering of your own."

"Very nice, mother."

They grabbed her bag and were making their way over to the small arcade when they ran into Adam's mom. She too was eager to see Colton, and the three of them went in search of the boys.

"Guess who's a big fan of the _Mortal Kombat_ music?" Adam asked as he came out of the arcade, with the proudest look on his face that any of them had ever witnessed.

"He is definitely your child," Lindsay said with a roll of her eyes while trying to hide the fact that she was pretty proud too.

Greetings were exchanged and they all headed out to the car, Colton crying from the cold and the fact that it was time for him to eat. He wailed loudly as they got into the car and kept screaming while Lindsay found a bottle for him. It was still warm and she popped the cap off while his screams reached a level that she had never heard before.

"Oh my word Colton Matthew. Would you like a big chill pill with this bottle?"

He grunted and tried the bottle, then refused it, letting out another shriek. Lindsay sighed and wrinkled her forehead, less annoyed with the noise than she was confused about what his issue was. He wasn't that big of a fan of the bottle, but he would take it if he was hungry enough. It was possible the he wanted out of the carseat, but she wasn't really able to do that for him now. Tears streamed down his face and she brushed them away, hating seeing him like this. His screams slowed and he breathed heavily, opening his eyes to stare at her.

"Did you just want mama?" she asked, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "You have a silly way of showing it, but I love you too."

He calmed down a little and she tried the bottle again, which he took happily. She made sure he was warmly bundled again, then handed off the bottle to her mom so she could get into the front seat.

"Well that was weird," Adam said, sliding into his seat and shutting the door.

"He's so high strung," Lindsay replied sarcastically. Colton was probably the most laid-back baby they could have asked for, so his little outburst left them amused and befuddled.

* * *

The traffic was bad getting home and despite every grandma trick in the book, Colton was making everyone in the neighborhood aware of his presence. Lindsay and Adam felt bad for the laughing they were doing over it. It wasn't funny as much as it was completely absurd.

"Apparently you two did not bring enough gifts," Adam said, unbuckling Colton from his carseat.

"If that's his reaction son, I think the two of you spoil him enough already," Sue remarked with a grin.

"Here Linds, fix it."

She made a face and took her screaming son, holding him close and bouncing him just a little until he started to quiet down.

"Mama's boy," Adam commented.

"Shh, you'll give him a complex," Lindsay chuckled, walking towards the bedroom. "I'm going to go change this particularly wet diaper and then we'll be back."

She took him into the bedroom and changed his diaper quickly, leaving him in the cradle while she washed her hands. By the time she came back he was fussing again, a cry that meant he was hungry, not just mad.

"Are you serious? You just had a whole bottle."

She sat down on the bed and fed him anyway, noticing how relaxed he became. Maybe they had just been out of the house for too long, or maybe it was too cold. Either way, he seemed pretty happy to be home now.

He was done soon, awake and almost giving her a smile as she stood up and took him out to the other room.

"Is he done being an emotional wreck?" Adam asked, taking Colton from her and kissing his head.

"I think so. Go let the grandmas hold him, then come in here and help me make dinner."

"Yes ma'am. Let's go and fill your cheek pinching quota for the day, little man," he said as he walked into the other room. Lindsay chuckled and pulled some chicken out of the freezer and put it on a plate, then stuck it in the microwave to defrost. She was just finishing washing her hands when Adam came back in and jumped up on the counter.

"What'cha making?"

"Not sure yet," she said with a shrug. She was never quite sure what anything was until it was done. Adam found great joy in naming her concoctions, and she didn't have to follow a recipe, so it worked for them. Of course the pregnancy cravings had thrown a wrench into the works, but they had been able to move beyond that.

"Hey, c'mere," he said, sliding off the counter and opening his arms to her. She smiled and rested against him, closing her eyes and letting out a soft sigh. No words were exchanged as they stood there, holding each other as close and as tightly as they could. His hand ran up and down her spine and she felt completely taken care of and safe and happy.

"I love you," he said, tilting her chin up to look her in the eye.

"I love you too. And hey, is that offer still good?"

"What offer?"

"The offer for a date."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Tomorrow night?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. We need it."

He smiled and kissed her, keeping his lips on hers even when he spoke.

"I miss you."

It didn't take a degree in psychology to understand his meaning and she could feel a slight blush creeping up her cheeks.

"Ditto."

"You'd best not look at me like that, honey," he warned, raising his eyebrows. "Not for a while at least."

"You're dirty," she teased, slapping his arm softly. He grinned and kissed her once more before letting her go.

"Okay, you said something about me helping you. What do you need me to do?"

"Stand there and look cute while you chop vegetables."

"Done."

They spent the next hour giggling and cooking, getting in each other's way and mock fighting. By the time dinner was ready and the table was set, they could hardly look at each other without laughing. It reminded them both of their very first date, the night that had started it all.

* * *

"Breaker, breaker 1-9, man your battle stations, we've had an explosion," Lindsay whispered loudly, to be heard over Colton's cries. Adam groaned and rubbed his eyes against the lamplight, searching for the clock. Two a.m.

"Huh?"

"We have poop, I repeat, we have poop."

"Linds-"

"This is not a drill," she said dramatically, turning to look at him. He caught the amusement in her eyes and climbed out of bed, joining her at the cradle. Colton had definitely made a mess of himself and was not very happy about it.

"What… what do we do?"

"I'm not really sure. Is it wrong that I don't want to pick him up?"

"Gross."

"Now fielding any and all suggestions."

"I'm not sure, but I think we might have to pick him up."

"If I hold him at arms length, is it gonna scar him for life?"

"I'm glad that you've assumed that you're going to be the one picking him up."

"Hey wait a sec. We didn't even do rock paper scissors!"

"Too late. I'll go run him a bath."

Adam escaped into the bathroom and Lindsay grimaced.

"Your daddy is kind of a chicken," she said, picking Colton up. "Oh bud, no wonder you've been cranky all day."

She took him into the bathroom, not quite sure what to do next. Adam had some warm water in the tub and for a second they just looked from each other to Colton to the tub.

"I think we need to strip him down and maybe use some baby wipes to um… clean off the excess?"

"Excess? Adam, this is all excess," Lindsay said, holding back a laugh at their predicament.

"What do you suggest then?"

"I think we should rinse him off in the sink first."

"Less expensive than wipes. Got it."

They managed to get him de-clothed and de-diapered and were rinsing him off when Lindsay let out a half groan, half laugh.

"What?"

"He's peeing on me!" she managed to explain before the laughter took over. She snorted once before calming down, taking deep breaths and focusing on the task at hand.

"Be quiet, there's grandmas sleeping," Adam said, grinning.

"Whoops," she whispered with a quiet giggle.

"Think he's clean enough to take a bath now?"

"Man he is gonna hate us in the morning."

"By the amount of crying I am pretty sure he already hates us something fierce. Let me have him and you can go change."

"Okay."

She stood up and went into the bedroom, returning a few minutes later in clean pajamas. Colton was whimpering in protest of his bath, something he hated anyway, but to have an extra one in the middle of the night was just pure torture. Adam and Lindsay couldn't help laughing at the situation and were near tears by the time he was clean again. He screamed his head off when they pulled him out of the tub and wrapped him in a towel.

"Can you go and get a diaper for him?" Lindsay asked, knowing they needed to warm him back up.

"Be right back."

She leaned against the counter and held Colton tightly, bouncing him and shushing, certain that his cries were waking up the whole building.

"It's so rough bein' a baby," she commiserated. "I'm so sorry buddy."

He quieted at the sound of her voice and she moved into the bedroom where it was a little warmer. Adam had already laid out a fresh pajama outfit and handed her a diaper before taking all the blankets out of the cradle. She made quick work of dressing him again, then climbed into bed and wrapped the blankets around him while Adam gathered all the soiled linens and threw them in the washer.

"He's clean and warm," Lindsay said once Adam returned to the bedroom. "I don't know why he's still crying."

"Think he might be hungry?"

"Probably. It's later than I thought it was. Mama fail."  
"Tired mama," Adam corrected, rubbing his eyes and laying back on the bed. "Tired daddy."

"Go to sleep," Lindsay said, leaning down to kiss him. "I think we're under control."

"Man," he breathed, closing his eyes. "How crappy."

Their soft chuckles joined together and broke the new silence of the still of the night.


	46. Chapter 46

A/N: Officially my longest story in both chapters and word count. Cowabunga, eat my shorts!

* * *

"I smell breakfast," Adam said, stretching and rubbing his eyes. "And you're still in bed, so how is that possible?"

Lindsay smirked and reached over to tame the cowlick he was sporting. It sprung back up and she wrinkled her nose at its stubbornness.

"I think you're forgetting about our female parental units."

"Such big words so early in the morning," he commented.

"I'm fascinating. What time do you have to leave for work?"

"I've got about an hour. You think they've got pancakes going on out there?" he asked, standing up from the bed and heading for the door.

"Maybe, but before you go and find out, don't you think you should throw on a t-shirt or something?"

"Well look who's suddenly so modest. And by the way, how come the kid is still in our bed?"

"I got too tired to move him," she said with a yawn. "I don't want to make it a habit, but it is kind of nice."

"Yeah, he looks pretty happy."

"He must have forgotten about the torturous bathing last night."

"He inherited my attention span apparently."

"Always a good mark of a guinea pig child."

"Is everything a science experiment to you?"

"Oh shut up, you love me anyway. Besides, who's the one with the periodic table of elements on his underwear?"

"I don't think there will ever be a day when I can keep up with you."

"Good, because both of us on the same wavelength could be very dangerous. We're talking Larry, Curly, and Moe."

"Keystone Cops."

"Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle."

"I love you so much it's ridiculous."

"Yeah, I know."

"You coming out there with me?"

"Yeah. Let me just move him real quick."

She stood up and moved Colton from the bed to his cradle and he sighed sleepily and stretched out, his arms over his head.

"Duder is down for the count. It'll probably last right until I start eating, but at least it's something."

"C'mon, I'm hungry."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the bedroom and into the kitchen where their mothers sat, drinking coffee and gabbing.

"So what happened to you two last night?" Sue asked, holding back a laugh. Adam and Lindsay looked at each other and snickered.

"You heard that?"

"You guys don't panic whisper as quietly as you think you do."

"Neither of you thought to get up and help us?"

"Nah, you seemed to have it under control. Besides, it's time you both learned that your kids are always out to get you."

"Oh whatever, mom," Lindsay said, rolling her eyes and pouring a glass of orange juice.

"Don't whatever me, young lady. You were the worst one."

"You don't even know that half of it."

"I'm sure I do."

"You don't know about the night I got my license."

"You went to Kelly's for a sleepover."

"No, I didn't. I mean, I went to Kelly's, but that was just to get the girls who all had their own alibis. We went to Missoula."

"You did what? It's three hours away! Why would you go to Missoula?"

"Because it's three hours away. We got to Butte when Amy started chickening out and we were in Deer Lodge when Steph told us it was a bad idea, but Karen and Kelly and I were all in it for the long haul."

"But what did you do there?"

"Filled up the gas tank, got coffee and turned around and came home. Oh, and stopped for a hitchhiker."

"Lindsay!"

"I'm just kidding! I turned on my blinker like I was going to stop and he picked up his stuff and we all gave him a thumbs up and drove off. We did play about twelve rounds of Chinese fire drill when we stopped to pee in Whitehall."

"I don't even know what to say."

"I swore I was driving all the way to Coeur d'Alene just to say I stole them over state lines, but I was honestly afraid you would find out and send me to that place in St. Iggy's."

"Obscure Montana cities for four hundred, Alex," Adam muttered.

"You are so lucky your father didn't find out about this."

"You think dad didn't know? He checked my mileage and made some joke about not being able to put 400 miles on the car in one night unless I was a drug courier. So I told him and he laughed and said not to tell you or you'd kill me where I stood."

"No wonder Karen wasn't allowed to hang out with you for a while."

"Yep."

"I always knew you girls were up to no good, I just didn't know how bad that was."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"I kept secrets from you for your own good. I swear though, that road trip was one of the worst."

"One of?"

"I'll tell you the rest on Mother's day."

"Hallelujah."

"Just um… I might have told Taylor some stuff, so keep an eye on her."

"You're killing me, kid."

"Okay," Sue started. "I have to just interject here. Lindsay may have done some stupid stuff, but at least her stuff didn't blow a hole through the roof of the garage."

"Ma!"

"Little science geek over here should be on Mythbusters or something with all the explosions he had going on."

"I only lost my eyebrows once. And I will have you know, mother, that properly labeling your cleaners can save lives."

"I never told you to try and make a foaming stink bomb. You went in there all by yourself and grabbed everything I had under the sink. I didn't baby proof the house when you were a toddler, but I needed to when you were fifteen."

"I still need to now," Lindsay retorted.

"Can it," Adam snapped, his eyes shining with amusement.

"You just wait until he takes your microwave apart to see how it works, and then we'll talk," Sue said with a nod.

"I am hiding the screwdriver."

"Okay, I may have had a few incidents," Adam conceded. "But I am not the one who was doing a demonstration that caught the boss's tie on fire on the same day that the mayor dropped by with the safety inspector."

"Hey, I replaced Mac's tie."

"You can't put a price on pride."

"Don't you have to go to work?" she said with a glare. He smiled and nodded, putting his plate in the sink.

"Pretty sure those weren't mom's pancakes because they weren't burned on the outside and runny in the middle, so thanks for breakfast, Anne."

"Not a problem."

His mother scowled at him from across the table, and he just laughed and went to get ready for work.

* * *

"You know," Lindsay started, sighing as she looked through the clothes in the closet one more time. "I thought that once you got married you didn't have to dress up anymore."

"You may have landed a man, but you still gotta keep him."

"And how fair is it that I birthed a child, have working breasts that don't look good anymore, get less than four hours of sleep at a time, change at least ten diapers a day and when I just want to go out to dinner with my husband, nothing fits?"

"It's not fair. That's motherhood."

"Are you the Welcome Wagon, mom?"

"That's me."

"Then tell me how to get these pants to fit."

"I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but you might have to wear maternity for a while still."

"Gross."

"If you weren't so stick thin to begin with, it wouldn't be as much of a problem."

"Mom."

"I'm just saying."

"Yeah, I know. Eat a burger and loosen your belt. You're hilarious."

"You're cranky."

"No I'm not, I'm just tired or something."

"What something?"

"Am I doing everything right?" she asked with a sigh, her hands falling down to her sides.

"Of course not."

"What?"

"No one does everything right all the time."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I'm not saying you did anything wrong sweetie. And I think you're doing great. I'm just saying that no one is going to do a perfect job all the time."

"Encouraging."

"Would you rather me lie and tell you that you'll always know the answers, you will always be happy, everything will be easy and you'll be able to have white carpet?"

"No."

"Then love me more for telling you the truth."

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

She hesitated for a long time, keeping her back to her mother, not sure if she could handle the reaction.

"I'm seeing a counselor."

Silence rested over the room, but she still didn't have the courage to turn around.

"Why?"

"Because I need to. Because I needed to a long time ago and I never did. Because I want to be a better mother and a better wife and I can't do that with all this baggage. Because as much as I love you, you never listened when I really needed it and I really need it now. Because I feel like I'm always in over my head and Adam's holding onto me, but I'm afraid he's going to get tired and give up or I'm going to pull him in. Because in two sessions I feel better than I have in years. Because I don't care if people think its weak or a waste of time, because it's really helping me."

The quiet stretched even further between them and neither moved in the slightest, not even to look at each other. The farce of being the perfect mother and daughter had worn off ages ago. They had their fights, they had their moments, and as much as they loved each other and lived in peace, there was a bone of contention between them that wouldn't go away.

"Love me more for telling you the truth," Lindsay said finally, lifting her eyes from the carpet and turning around.

"You think I didn't listen to you?"

"I think you tried for a while. But then it got to be too much and you either didn't understand it, or you knew it so well that you felt it too."

"Lindsay."

"Mom, I know. I know that you had the same struggles that I did. I know that you were depressed. And I know that's where I got it. It's not all situational and I'm not afraid to say that, but I think you are. You had the perfect childhood of sunny days and lemonade and there was no concrete reason for the way you felt. But you felt it. And no one understood it. And when you said something everyone reacted like there was something wrong with you. Maybe you denied it or thought you were crazy, so when the same thing happened with me, you buried it, just like you buried it for yourself. And I don't fault you for that because how were you supposed to know? If it really scared you that much, it could have just been between you and me. But you wouldn't talk and you wouldn't listen and when I asked for help outside of you, you refused. And I'm not just talking about that night. You saw it long before I could even comprehend it. I wish so much that you would have done something then. I wish you would have been my voice when I didn't even know the words. You might call me naïve and you might tell me that I'm thinking too much and feeling too much, but that's how I am."

"Lindsay, there were reasons why I did what I did."

"Like what?"

"Because you needed to get through it on your own."

"But I couldn't mom! I was just a little girl. I was seven years old, crying when I woke up because I hadn't really died like in my dream. I knew it was wrong to think that way. And when I told you, you just brushed it off like it was no big deal. I was terrified! I thought I was possessed or living in some alternate universe. And maybe I was able to put it behind me for a while, but it was still there. It never went away. I got used to it always being there, living beside me. But that's not fair. Not to me, not to Adam, not to Colton. Because there it sits, taking up space that could just be ours."

Anne was quiet, her eyes full of anger and hurt and regret while her lips stayed drawn in a tight line.

"I didn't mean for this conversation to turn out this way, mom. I just need to tell you and I really wanted your support. If that's too hard for you, that's okay, but I couldn't keep it from you any longer."

"There are so many things I could say to you right now," Anne whispered, staring at her shoes.

"Then say them."

"You're far braver than I ever was."

"What?"

"You're right. You are absolutely right. I buried it all because I was afraid. I still am. I didn't want to look at you and know what you were going through because it hurt. I am your mother and I'm supposed to protect you and I couldn't. I looked at you and I saw myself fail. So I stopped looking. And then I missed some really good stuff. And I'm so sorry."

"It's okay mom," Lindsay said, sitting down on the bed. "You had to survive just like I do. Maybe we were both wrong. Maybe I should have made you listen. Or maybe I should have gone to counseling on my own a long time ago. I just didn't want you to think that I wasn't strong."

"Sweetheart, I have always thought you were strong. Always. And I support you going and dealing with this and beating it. I am so proud of you Lindsay."

"Thank you mom."

They sat that way for a while, not talking, not touching, but both getting used to this new level of their relationship. The level that dug down to where it really mattered, to where everything was honest.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you think about it?"

"I understand that you're scared. And I know you don't struggle with this nearly as much as you used to. But I can't really believe in it if I don't suggest it to you too. Just think about it."

"But… your dad…"

"I told dad that I was going to counseling the day after my first appointment. He said it didn't matter if I was going or not going, if I was depressed or not because he would love me. I am betting he'll say the same to you."

"I think about it."

"Okay. Now, will you help me pick out a dress?"

"I'm still voting for the purple one," she said with a grin, glad the heavy conversation was over. "It will look the best with your coat."

"Hmm."

"Are you sure you need to get this dressed up? I thought he said dinner and a movie."

"Yeah, but that's Adam. Dinner and a movie is never just dinner and a movie."

"A man of mystery."

"Predictable mystery but I'll take it."

"I'm glad you're happy Bug."

"Me too."

"Go change your clothes so you'll be ready when he gets home."

"Yes ma'am," Lindsay smirked, taking the dress and going into the bathroom, knowing her make-up needed a little extra care. She dressed quickly and was just putting the finishing touches on her lipstick when she heard Adam come home. She grinned and gave herself one last look in the mirror then headed out into the other room. Adam was holding Colton, swaying slightly and talking to him, just as he did every night when he came home. She smiled to herself and watched them for a moment before clearing her throat.

"Hey babe," Adam started, turning around to face her. "Holy… crap."

"What?"

"Did you guys see this?" he called into the other room. "My wife is hot!"

"Are you surprised?" she asked with a little chuckle as he moved across the kitchen and took her in his free arm.

"No, I just haven't seen you this kind of hot in a while. You could take a guys knees out."

"Thanks?"

He smiled and kissed her.

"I'm going to go and change, try to reach your level, and then we can go."

He left Colton with her and went into the other room to change. She smiled and walked over to the window, looking outside while Colton nestled himself into her arms.

"We won't be gone too long, buddy. And you'll definitely have more fun here with Grammy and Nana than you would with me and daddy. Of course we'll be thinking about you the whole time. And when we get home I'll cuddle you, I promise."

He gurgled and stared up at her, hanging on her every word because she was his entire universe.

"Now you'd better be a good boy," she continued. "Or else I might never want to go out ever again."

He sighed sleepily and she took him out to the other room where both of his grandmothers were knitting furiously.

"I think between the two of you, you could keep the entire planet warm until the apocalypse."

"Idle hands," they answered in unison.

"Right. There are bottles in the fridge but he probably won't need one while we're gone. I don't know where his pacifier went but there's some more in the basket on top of his dresser. If you change his clothes make sure you keep his socks on or his feet will get cold and he'll scream at you. There's powder by the diapers and I think that's everything. But call my cell if you have any problems."

"We'll be fine," Anne assured, setting her knitting off to the side. "Now relinquish my grandson and get out of here."

"Don't have to tell us twice," Adam said, holding out Lindsay's coat. He helped her into it and pulled her hair out of the collar before she stooped down to kiss Colton's cheek.

"He'll be fine."

"I know. Let's get out of here."

* * *

The carriage wheels bumped slowly along the pavement, the horses hooves clomping in a steady rhythm. Lindsay sighed and leaned against Adam, enjoying the fresh, albeit cold air, and the feeling of his arms around her. It seemed like ages since it had just been the two of them and she was thoroughly enjoying the Adam overload.

"Hey honey?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for tonight. I needed it more than I thought."

"You're welcome."

"And… thanks for holding my hand."

She didn't have to explain the double meaning in that because he knew it long before she had even formed the thought.

"Always."


	47. Chapter 47

A/N: I am in love with season 7. Hard love. Insane. Cannot wait for more.

* * *

Lindsay slid into her coat, taking deep breaths to fight off the tears that were so close to falling down her cheeks. Eight weeks had gone by too fast and she was nowhere near ready to go back to work. Staying home and spending the day in her pajamas, playing with Colton and maybe taking a warm bundled up walk in the afternoon sounded much more appealing than going to work and processing evidence for eight hours. Adam had the day off, so she didn't have any worries about leaving Colton with a stranger, but it was still a long time to be away from him.

"You takin' off?" Adam asked, coming out of the kitchen with a bowl of cereal.

"I don't know. Explain to me again why we can't make it on just your salary."

"Student loans and living in the city."

"Oh that."

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"It's one shift. It'll go by really fast and you'll be busy and then you'll get to come home."

"I know. I don't think I'm ready yet."

"Yes you are. Honey, you need to go back to work; you're going stir crazy."

"I know. I wish I could just…"

"I do not dig splitting you down the middle," he said, running his finger down her stomach and taking her hand.

"Can I wait another week?" she asked, looking over at Colton who was laying on the floor, blowing spit bubbles and watching the cats play.

"I'm sorry, honey. I wish that I made more money so you could stay home. I really-"

"Adam, it's not your fault. It's life. And I do need to work. I just need to go and find my rhythm again."

"C'mere."

She sat down and he pulled her into his arms, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"I'm proud of you, sweetie. I know this is hard, but you are an amazing mommy. You can do this. And he's still going to be a little boy when you get home tonight."

"I know."

"You better get going."

She sighed and nodded, kissing him before she stood up from the couch and walked over to crouch next to Colton. He grinned when he saw her, gurgling and waving his hand. She smiled sadly and kissed his cheek.

"I'll be back in a while, okay buddy?"

He frowned and wrinkled his forehead.

"I know you don't know what I'm talking about, but if you cry right now this mama is going to be a blubbering mess."

She picked him up and cuddled him for a moment before standing up.

"Alright buddy, go see your daddy and I'll see you later."

She wanted to stand and hold him forever, but she had to get out of there quickly if she was going to get out of there at all. One last kiss for each of them and she was out the door.

* * *

"Hey kiddo!" Stella greeted, meeting Lindsay as she stepped off the elevator. "First day back. How do you feel?"

"Overwhelmed."

"Prefect frame of mind for getting some paperwork done."

"Paperwork? Are you kidding?"

"Not in the least. Shouldn't take you that long. At least that's what Mac said when he plopped this stack in my hands, cackling with delight because he won our little bet and I had to be the bearer of the bad news."

"You're getting a lot of joy out of this."

"Too much?"

"Just a wee bit."

"I'm glad you're back Linds. Wanna have lunch later?"

"Sounds good. If you can unbury me from this paperwork around noon, that would be great."

"I'll be there."

Lindsay gave a wry grin and took the stack of paperwork, figuring her first stop was going to be the office. She flicked on the light and just stood there, her jaw nearly on the floor. She'd been expecting the office to be a total disaster area, but it looked like Danny had cleaned up. Or hired every maid in the city to clean it up. Even the pictures on their desks had been dusted.

"I'm so glad you're back Linds," Danny said, coming into the room behind her. "Do you know how hard it is to clean up after me?"

"I am aware," she chuckled, dropping the stack of papers on the desk. "Hey partner, any chance of you helping me with this paperwork?"

"Nada. We gotta go."

"We do?"

"We got a scene to process. Grab that kit Montana, we're goin' for a ride."

"Would you look at me weird if I clapped my hands?"

"I always look at you weird."

"That's because you just don't get it."

"I don't think I wanna. C'mon, you can drive."

"Aw Danny, you really did miss me."

"Yeah, but only because everyone else here sucks at paper football. I mean God love my wife, but Austin can't flick a paper football the length of a ruler."

"The length of a ruler huh?"

"It's a sad thing to watch."

"I'm sorry, but the length of a ruler?" she asked, checking her kit.

"Thanks for pointin' that out Madame Curie."

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"You drive me nuts."

"That's what I'm here for," he said, giving her a friendly push. She grinned and they made their way out of the office and down to the parking garage.

"So I really get to drive?"

"Yep. Got your iPod?"

"What do you think?"

"Linkin Park?"

"Don't tell Adam."

"Don't tell Austin."

Grinning conspiratorially, they got into the car and he gave her the address of the crime scene.

"You don't really want to be back, do you?" Danny asked.

"I do. And I don't."

"Complicated emotions."

"Something like that. And what about you? You're getting pretty close to being a dad. Are you freaking out?"

"Only about once a day."

"Sounds about right."

Her phone rang and he grabbed it out of the cupholder.

"It's Adam. Want me to answer it?"

"Yeah, but don't do that-"

"Hey sugarplum!"

"-cutesy voice."

"Danny, why are you answering my wife's phone?"

"She's drivin' and you and I both know how bad it would be if she was drivin' and talkin'."

"Very true," Adam agreed, despite Lindsay's "shut up Danny."

"You wanna talk to her, I can put you on speakerphone."

"You think you can figure out that kind of high end technology?"

"You got it Cupcake."

"Hey Adam," Lindsay greeted. "I hear screaming, is everything okay?"

"Well we had a little vomiting incident earlier and he's been a little cranky since then, but we're okay."

"And you're calling me because?"

"Remember yesterday when he was freaking out and you made that bottle and he went to sleep? What did you put in it?"

"Half a regular bottle and half a bottle made out of that disgusting Nutramigen crap that he puked into my mouth the other day. He probably has an upset stomach and it'll help."

"Okay, thanks."

"And if that doesn't work, turn on the vacuum cleaner. He likes that for some reason."

"Can I call you if he's still cranky later?"

"Yeah that's fine. It's almost time for his morning nap so he'll settle down in a while. Anything else?"

"Yeah, but I'll tell you later."

"Gotcha. Good luck hon."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone and looked over at Danny who seemed to have gotten a lot of amusement out of the conversation.

"What?"

"Puked in your mouth?"

"It'll happen to you, mark my words."

"You mix bottles like you mix chemicals."

"Hey, moments of desperation call for desperate measures. You just wait dude, you'll get yours."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How do I deal with a cryin' baby and a hormonal wife and not wanna rip my hair out?"

"Well," she started, biting her bottom lip. "First off, you forget the word hormones. Yes, women react on hormones when they've just given birth. But to them it's not just hormones, and you have to treat it like it's real."

"Example."

"We had just brought Colton home from the hospital and I was changing his diaper and I missed a snap on his onesie. Not a big deal, easily fixed, but I kind of freaked out. I started thinking that I was a bad mother because I couldn't even snap his clothes right. Now Adam could have told me that I was being silly, or said that I was just hormonal. Instead he listened to what I was saying and realized it wasn't about the snaps. I may have been hormonal and bawling, but I was really trying to tell him that I was scared."

"So you're sayin' I've got to pay attention to what she's not saying'?"

"Exactly."

"So fatherhood is easy, it's being a husband that's the hard part."

"By George, I think he's got it."

"Hey, if I totally screw up, it's your job as Austin's best friend to talk her outta leavin' me."

"Deal."

* * *

It ended up being a long shift, eight hours that turned into ten. She was more than happy to go home when Mac suggested she leave, even though she still had work to do. She found herself a little slower than she had been before, but still knew what she was doing around the lab. Danny had been helpful, but still took every chance he got to make fun of her. She took it in stride of course, secretly loving that they could fall back into their natural pattern of irritating each other. He reminded her of her brothers, never giving her a chance to catch up before he slung another verbal arrow at her. She had the feeling he had been saving them up for weeks.

The elevator up to the apartment was particularly slow this evening and she sighed, tapping her fingers against the doors. She'd never wanted to get home more than she did right now. The elevator finally stopped and she walked down the hall to their door, opening it to find Adam on the couch with his laptop.

"Hey babe," he greeted with a smile.

"Hey. What are you doing?"

"The bills. So much easier now that you do everything online. It's only been ten minutes and I'm almost done."

"Thanks. I was dreading doing them all day long."

"It's not too bad. As long as you make sure I do them right, I'll do them all the time."

"I like that plan. Where's Colton?"

"Asleep in his crib. He's been out for a few hours so he might be ready to wake up again."

"I'm going to go check on him."

"Hey wait a sec," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her down onto the couch. "How was work?"

"Same old, same old. My head was here all day though. Distracting."

"I know the feeling."

"I'll go back tomorrow and then I'll have five days to prepare for going back to work again."

"That is what they call a vicious circle."

"I'll deal."

"Okay. Go see your kid."

She smiled and stood up, walking into the small bedroom and over to the crib. Colton was just waking up, his eyes blinking in the semi-darkness.

"Hey buddy," she said, reaching down to pick him up. He smiled at the sound of her voice, waving his arms and cooing happily.

"Man, I missed you today. Did you have fun with your daddy?"

He burbled and stretched a little, grabbing onto the finger she offered him.

"Are you hungry now or do you think you can wait for me to change clothes?"

He just smiled, his grin getting bigger and bigger as he woke up more. She went into the bedroom and settled him against the pillows, changing her clothes quickly and picking him up again. He grunted and snorted, trying out different facial expressions and even giving her a little giggle.

"Are you going to tell me a story?" she asked. His noises got louder and his face more expressive, his eyes locking with hers as he tried to communicate. She leaned down and kissed his cheek, loving his attempts at talking. She wanted him to stay this little for a long time, but she also couldn't wait for him to grow up into his own person.

"Looks like you're not too hungry right now. Should we go join daddy and spend the night watching crappy movies? Yeah, I thought you'd be into that."

She took him out into the other room and they sat down on the couch. Adam wrapped his arms around them both, pressing a kiss to her hair.

"We missed mommy a lot today, didn't we bud?"

"It wasn't so bad, was it?"

"Not so much. But after I let him talk to you on the phone, he spent the next few hours looking around for you and crying."

"Oh."

"He'll get used to it. And you're here more than you're gone anyway. Stop feeling guilty."

"Alright."

"Besides, we had fun this morning."

"Oh yeah?"

"We tormented the cats with the laser pointer. Colton thinks it's hilarious."

"Well, he is your child."

"And we spent an hour vacuuming. It didn't calm him down. And my shoulders hurt."

"Aw. Want to exchange massages later?"

"I would never say no to that, even if I was gaga and drooling into a cup."

"It's a plan."

He smiled and she yawned, resting her head against his shoulder.

"You going to be okay to go back to work tomorrow?"

"Yeah. As long as I have this to come home to."


	48. Chapter 48

"What is your crazy mama doing?" Adam asked, zipping up Colton's jacket and lifting him off of the couch. "Think it's going to get crazier when Auntie Austin gets involved with it?"

"Whah," Colton said, patting his stomach.

"I totally agree. Linds, are you ready to go?"

"Almost. Does that jacket still fit him?"

"Yes, with room to grow. Why?"

"Making a list of things I need to get today."

"Spendin' more money I see."

"Hey now, I thought you knew that kids grew out of clothes when we got into this."

"Naw, I just figured it'd be a year at least," he said, a twinkle in his eye. "How long is that list?"

"Not too long. I mostly need to get him some more pajamas. I can't get away with cramming him into the newborn stuff anymore."

"I see. You give yourself a limit?"

"A loose one. Why? You don't trust me?"

"You and Austin shopping together has never turned out cheap."

"We're going consignment. What are you so worried about?"

"Nothin'."

"Nothin'?" she mocked, raising an eyebrow.

"We're saving up for that trip, remember?"

"Yes, I do. Don't worry honey, I've got it figured out."

"Okay. Ready to go?"

"Yep."

They made their way down to the car, Colton babbling the whole way. By the time they buckled him into his seat he had slobbered all down his front.

"Hon, we need to start putting a bib on Sir Drools A Lot."

"They're on the list."

He chuckled and got into the driver's seat, heading for the lab. The weather was finally warming up, but it was still winter and it was still wet and dreary. The car splashed through the puddles as they drove, the radio playing softly.

"So why this car arrangement today?" Adam asked, waiting for a light to turn green.

"Because my car is in the shop and Austin never drives anyway, and she claims she can't get behind the wheel anymore."

"And how long did it take you two to plan this?"

"Three texts each."

"I'm astounded."

"We're some kind of special."

"Yes, you tell us all the time."

She shrugged and grinned as he reached over for her hand.

"So have you thought any more about it?"

"About what?"

"Working one more day a week."

"I've been trying not to think about it. I'm sorry honey, I just-"

"It's okay. If you're not ready then you're not ready."

"Do you need me to work more?"

"No babe. Mac just offered if you wanted another shift. I don't want to make you go if you don't want to."

"I'll want to later. I'm just not comfortable yet. I might not be for a while."

"That's okay. We've got a pretty good thing going for us right now, and it seems to work. I don't have any complaints, do you?"

"No, not really."

"So we're settled. You do diapers and dishes and I'll bring home the majority of the bacon."

"Sounds good."

"What do you think buddy? You wanna hang out with mama five days a week?"

"Wah!" he answered happily.

"I think we're all in agreement here."

"First family meeting is a success."

"I have high hopes for our future, Mr. Ross."

"Whuddup!"

She giggled as he turned the car into the parking garage.

"Are we all going in, or are you going to honk until she comes out?"

"We're all going in. I have to drop those papers off to Mac anyway."

"Colton, you ready for your first trip to the lab?"

"If he turns out to be anything other than a science geek, everyone is going to laugh at us."

"I'm not sure he's really got a choice."

"Maybe not."

They went inside, finding the lab to be relatively quiet. Mac spotted them in the hallway and waved them into his office as he hung up the phone.

"Hey guys."

"Morning Mac. I brought the file for you."

"Thanks. Just set it on the desk. How's the little dude this morning?" he asked, smiling at Colton who gave him a huge grin right back.

"He's decided to start screaming for an hour after we put him to bed every night, but he's usually fine the rest of the day."

"So he gets mad when he's not the center of attention? Sounds like someone I know."

"Mac, with all due respect, shut up."

"You just tell the boss to shut up?" Danny asked as he and Austin came into the office. "You're my new hero, Lindsay."

"Then where the heck is my cape?"

"You used it for a burp rag," Austin answered.

"Oh burp rags, thanks for reminding me," Lindsay said, taking the list out of her pocket and writing it down, amid strange looks from everyone else. "You guys wouldn't love me as much if I wasn't quirky."

"That's what she tells herself so she can sleep at night."

"Adam, you're an ugly little cuss."

"Don't flirt with me in front of people."

She chuckled and shook her head.

"I think it's time for us to leave," Austin remarked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I believe you are correct," Lindsay agreed, taking Colton from Adam.

"Now you drive careful, Montana. You've got my whole life in that car."

"Don't worry, I won't do any risky lane changes."

"Or?"

"Or last minute turns."

"Or?"

"Or taxi driver impressions. Geez Danny, you act like I drive blind and panicked."

"I'm errin' on the side of caution here. Wear your seatbelt, Aust."

"I'm not wearing my seatbelt AND I'm sitting backwards."

"What would you do that for?"

"Because I know she's not going to kill me."

"Get outta here," Danny replied with a shake of his head.

* * *

"Linds, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"That," Austin clarified, motioning to the handful of baby clothes Lindsay held in one hand, while managing to cradle a sleeping baby in the other.

"Mommy juggling? You'll figure it out."

"I hate when you say that. It's like a cheap way to give me advice and be a friend without really revealing any secrets."

"Ouch. You're cranky."

"Remember when we watched _Juno_ and laughed when she said she had heartburn radiating her kneecaps? I am not laughing anymore because it is terribly true."

"I'm sorry. It does suck. Especially when you can feel the heartburn in your ears."

"Danny doesn't believe that happens."

"Sometimes men suck."

"Oh whatever. You landed the perfect man that never does a single thing wrong."

"Are you kidding? Just because I can laugh about it later does not mean I was any less ticked in the moment."

"Right."

"I'm serious! He does stupid stuff too. He recovers well, but he does make his mistakes."

"I mean big things, Linds."

"What are you getting at?"

"Do you guys fight?"

"Sometimes. A little. No, not really. We argue, but it's always half joking. Why? Are you guys fighting a lot?"

"No. I'm doing a lot of yelling he's doing a lot of standing there and nodding and… never mind, I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Okay," Lindsay shrugged, turning back to the rack of clothes.

"Okay? You're not going to poke and prod until you get inside my head?"

"Nope."

"That's not like you."

"Maybe not. But you're a big girl and are capable of deciding what you want to talk about or not, and you said you shouldn't have brought it up, so I am going to take that at face value and assume you don't want to talk about it, and I will cease and desist talking about it."

"But… you always pick at me until I talk."

"I know. But someday I'm going to pick at you too much and you're going to get mad at me. I'm just avoiding that."

"You're very rigid today."

"Sorry."

They contemplated each other for a minute, standing there in the middle of second hand baby clothes, looking very much like a scene from an indie film.

"Aust, do you really want to know what I think?"

"I guess."

"I think you're scared out of your mind. You're scared of being a mother, you're scared that you and Danny aren't going to last, you're scared that you're going to lose this baby. All very good reasons to be scared, but I think that you're mad at yourself for being scared. Because that's not you. You don't get scared, not very often. Maybe I'm totally off base, but that's what I see."

"Okay."

"Okay. So are you done now or do you still have stuff to get?"

"I dunno."

"Guess I'm not the only one who's rigid today."

"What does that mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean, Austin. What is your issue today?"

"Nothing! What's yours?"

"Nothing. Are we seriously having a fight in the middle of the store? I mean, you're standing there holding seventeen blankets and I am carrying around a child with a dirty diaper and… just… for real?"

They were quiet again, staring at each other until Austin erupted into giggles.

"It's like _The Real Housewives of New Jersey_ except we have better hair."

"You watch that, Aust?"

"I've seen commercials."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Okay, so now that that weirdness is over…"

"You know, I don't really feel like doing this today."

"I'm glad you said that because I don't either."

"Want to do something else instead?"

"Yes."

"Ideas?"

"Um… we could…hmm… what did we used to do?"

"A whole lot of nothing."

"Wanna cruise the docks and see how many numbers we can get?"

"Yeah Linds, that's going to work with both of us looking so matronly."

"New category in the Guinness book," she shrugged. "Wanna go for a walk? It helps with the heartburn."

"It does? Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"You didn't ask."

"Not fair."

"I'm sorry. But I'm telling you now. That counts right?"

"For half at least."

"Well alright. Let's go."

* * *

Dirty slushy half melted snow squished beneath their feet as they made their way slowly down the sidewalk, the stroller forging their path. They'd forgone lunch in favor of caramel hot chocolates, which was kind of a kick you when you're down substitution for caffeine, but at least they were suffering through together.

"I didn't want to go today," Austin said finally, smoothing her hand over her stomach.

"How come?"

She sighed and looked up at the sky, not minding the mist that fell on her face.

"Because of what you said before. Being scared. Shopping for clothes and all that, it makes it real. And then I look at you. And you're this perfect mother and you have it all together and I know that there's no way I can ever be like that."

"Austin-"

"You just seem so comfortable, like this is what you were always meant to do, you were always supposed to be a mother. And I'm just not cut out for it. I never really thought about it, and when I did, I figured I'd be a failure. And now I have no choice. I have to raise this kid and if I mess up… it's not just a car engine that I can get new parts for. It's a kid. A person. A person who grows up and makes some kind of mark in the world and it's up to my parenting to determine what kind of mark that's going to be. So I look at you and I look at Colton and I know that he's going to be just fine. He's going to be perfect. He's going to be president or something, while my kid is probably going to cause more trouble than me and Danny put together."

"So basically I make you feel bad?"

"Yeah."

"Would it help if I told you that I totally suck?"

"If you suck then there's no hope for any of us."

"I fake it really well," she said on a long sigh. "Okay it sounds like you need to know something."

"What?"

"I don't have it all together. I'm getting there, but it was bad for a while."

"What do you mean?"

Lindsay hesitated, not wanting to spill her beans, not wanting to say how bad it could be, but not wanting to push her best friend away.

"There were bad days, Aust. A lot of them. And mostly they had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. But sometimes it was just too much. There were days when he would cry, just normal crying, not even resembling colic, but I couldn't handle it. I would go on autopilot and I would put him in his cradle and I would go in the bathroom and lock the door and turn on the water and the radio until I couldn't hear him anymore. And my mom said that was fairly normal, and my therapist said it was okay as long as he was safe, but to me it felt like failure. Not that I couldn't comfort him, but that I wouldn't. I had to comfort myself first. And I see now that it was right, that it gave me a little more stability to deal with the situation and that was better for him. But I didn't know that then. And I would sit there and cry because I didn't deserve him, because he needed a better mother."

"Really?"

"I never regretted having him, but I did regret the fact that he had to deal with me. It wasn't easy and it brought out a lot of things that I thought I was done with. And I go to therapy and I feel like a one hour drama sometimes, but the point is, that half of the things I know and all the confidence I have are completely owed to struggling in the beginning."

"So you're saying being scared and messing up a little is okay?"

"I'm demanding it. Dr. Spock may not agree, but Dr. Spock is a man and was never a mother, so neener neener."

"How come you never told me?"

"I don't know. It just felt like this really private thing. And it's not like I couldn't let you in. I really wanted to, and you have no idea how many times I wanted to pick up that phone and call you. But I couldn't throw that on your doorstep. I think that maybe I needed to just lean on Adam and no one else."

"How are you now?"

"Better. Heads and shoulders above where I was before. It takes time and it's not easy, and some days you feel like you're being slowly driven insane. But then you look down at that little face and it's all worth it, and you sound like a greeting card, but it's true."

Austin sighed.

"What if she turns out like me?"

"Well then you'll know exactly what to say to get her back in line and you can anticipate what she's going to do next."

"And what if she's like Danny?"

"Lock her in her room."

"Thanks for the support."

"Anytime."


	49. Chapter 49

"So where's he taking you?" Austin asked, perching on the side of the bathtub where Colton was happily splashing in the water.

"I don't know. He won't tell me. Again," Lindsay answered with a slight grimace as she fought her hair into the curling iron. "Thanks for babysitting by the way."

"It'll be fun. Right Johnny McShort and Fat?"

He giggled and splashed the tepid bathwater.

"Married dates are the best," Austin remarked.

"Why's that?"

"You're not worried if he's going to kiss you goodnight, you don't run out of things to talk about and there's no uncomfortable guessing about who's picking up the check."

"That sounds great."

"You guys have been on a married date before."

"Yeah, once. But we were in a rush to get home so it was just a fast dinner and a carriage ride in the park. This time he said we'll be home late. Not just a little late. He said late. Like second round of the sports highlights."

"Which is probably exactly where you'll find me and Danny when you get back."

"Seriously, thank you for doing this on such short notice."

"Just remember this because you'll owe us."

"Deal."

"What are you wearing?"

"Just this," she said, indicating her blue jeans and thermal top. "He said we're going casual but bring a coat and my walking shoes."

"Walking tours of New York?"

"Must be something like that. He sent me a text clue earlier. I'm supposed to figure it out before we leave."

"A text clue? Okay, I never thought I would say this, but Adam is pretty cute."

"He knows."

"So what's the clue?"

"Preambled tortoise."

"I have no idea what that means."

"Neither do I. Of course if I stopped thinking about it for a second it would come to me."

"Usually the way things go. Hey, you haven't worn your hair all curled like that in a long time."

"Yeah, it takes too long. And usually by the end of the day I have to toss it up in a ponytail to save it from being slobbered on, so there was no point in fixing it in the first place."

"I told Danny I was going to chop mine off and the look he gave me could have burned a hole in Fort Knox. Apparently I am not cutting my hair ever."

"What is it with men and hair? Adam always tells me not to cut mine too."

"Maybe they think we're more feminine this way."

"Or maybe they all have some secret fetish for hippies and Amazon women."

"The modern versions of course."

"Yes. Colton are you done with your bath?"

She crouched down and took him out of the water, wrapping him in a towel and earning a big smile.

"Alright, let's get you diapered and clothed so Uncle Danny doesn't think we're running a peep show here."

"Linds you're getting yourself all bathwatery."

"Crud. Will you take him?"

"Yeah. Finish putting your face on."

Austin moved into Colton's bedroom and found a diaper, slapping it on with the grace of someone who had done it a hundred times before.

"There, that's better. And you're not going to make me change a dirty diaper all night, right? Good. I am betting your mama wants you in pajamas now."

She kept one hand on his belly while reaching down to find some pajamas in the drawer.

"There we go. Giraffe jammies! Are you thrilled?"

He grinned and kicked his legs in excitement, more over her tone of voice than the giraffe pajamas.

"You're going to have to forgive me because diapering is a lot easier than dressing a squirming baby and I suck at it as we discovered last time. Yeah, last time when you spit up on your mama and yourself and I laughed and she made me clean you up. Yeah that time. You're smiling, you remember. Hey look at that, we have success."

She picked him up off the changing table and snuggled him close, loving the way he molded himself against her and stared into her eyes.

"Okay buddy, I'm going to have to take my heart back from you soon. But no worries, I'm sure you'll steal my daughters someday."

He gave her a small smile and she dropped a kiss on the end of his nose.

"I'm glad we had that talk. Want to go veg on the couch? Thought so."

She carried him out to the front room and sat down on the couch, pulling a light blanket around him. He sighed sleepily and sucked on his bottom lip while she brushed his hair off of his forehead.

"This clue is driving me bonkers," Lindsay said, sitting down in the recliner and putting her shoes on. "I'm never going to get it."

"Yeah you will. Besides, if you don't, I'm pretty sure he'll take you out anyway."

"Probably. He should be here any minute. When's Danny coming over?"

"As soon as he gets off work. He said he's going to stop and get dinner first though."

"Okay."

"So is Colton going to need a bottle or anything later?"

"Probably around ten he'll get fussy. There's some bottles in the fridge, just heat one up in a pot of hot water for a minute or two. He usually goes to sleep once he finishes that, but if he's still fussy, just walk him around for a while. He had short naps today though so he should be fine."

"Anything else?"

"Call me if you need me."

"Okay."

The door opened and Adam came in, a stack of manila folders in his arms.

"Figure it out yet babe?"

"Nope."

He chuckled and set the files on the desk next to the computer.

"Let me go change my shirt and we'll go."

"I thought you said casual."

"I did, but not so casual that the lunch I spilled on my shirt is going to impress you."

"Don't throw it on the floor please."

"Okay, I'll leave it on your side of the bed."

Lindsay rolled her eyes, knowing he would do just what he said because he knew it would annoy and amuse her.

"Sometimes I can't decide if you flirt like teenagers or a couple that has been married for seventy years."

"I'm not sure which is worse."

"Suffice it to say you two may be cute but that doesn't mean you're not disgusting."

"Well thanks. Look at you sitting there with a big pregnant belly and a baby. You might curse yourself into Irish twins."

"Lindsay, shut your mouth."

"Tit for tat my friend."

"We've really got to stop this insulting each other thing."

"Eh, it makes us more inseparable."

"Please stop whatever it is then," Adam said as he came back into the room. "I have a distinct fear that the four of us are going to end up living next door to each other someday, and I wouldn't be surprised to see the two of you leaning out the windows and using tin cans and a piece of string to talk."

"Shut up, Adam," they chorused with a smile. He rolled his eyes and tossed Lindsay's coat to her.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep."

She put her coat on and leaned down to kiss Colton before taking Adam's hand.

"I'll call you if we're going to be really, really late."

"You mean like the third time through the sports highlights, or the rerun of Leno?"

"Either way."

"Have fun. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Thanks Aust, you just threw a wrench in my plan."

"I hate you too Adam."

He gave her shoulder a nudge, then led Lindsay out the door and to the elevator.

"So what are we doing?" she asked as he pressed the down button.

"I gave you a clue."

"But I'm stupid today. Want to help me out here?"

"Alright, I guess I'm going to have to give it to you if I plan on having this date actually happen."

"Low blow."

"Preambled tortoise. Take it apart."

"Okay, so preamble is like the teaser to something. And a tortoise… is slow?"

"You're so close!"

"Help."

"Let's go back to tortoise. Remember the tortoise and the hare? He was slow, but he was happy and relaxed and was just going to finish the race, he didn't care about time."

"So we're going to be happy and relaxed and not hampered by time?"

"Bingo."

"Now what about the preamble part?"

"Preamble is the beginning, you're right. But if you take that apart even more you get?"

"Amble? So we're walking?"

"Yep."

"Okay, I think I've got the idea. Can I have the second clue?" she asked as they exited the building and started a casual walk down the street.

"Eventually," he replied, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.

"This is quite the elaborate date. Any reason for that?"

"I love you really elaborately."

"No one's ever said that to me before."

"They'd better not have," he chuckled, leaning down to kiss her. "You're really beautiful tonight."

"Thanks."

He kept his arm around her as they walked, enjoying the time with just the two of them. Sure, they had their alone time quite often, once Colton was in bed or five minutes when he was content to play by himself on the floor. But their minds were always half on what he was doing, and they never really made a point to entirely focus on each other. They both knew how easy it was for life to get in the way, so they had promised to spend more time together.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for tonight."

"It's barely started."

"See how much faith I have in you?"

* * *

"I'm pretty proud of you for getting the second clue all on your own," Adam said as they strolled away from the street vendor.

"Daggered carne' was pretty obviously shish-kebabs and then I saw the street vendor, so it wasn't really that hard. You gave me a freebie."

"Maybe a little. Want your third clue since you're on such a roll?"

"Sure."

"Issued hydration."

"Okay."

He watched her as she thought, turning the problem over and over in her mind. He knew she was getting close when a smiled tugged at the corners of her mouth.

"I'm not sure what it means exactly, but you've referenced a bridge over troubled water."

"Yeah. Come on."

He lead her several blocks until they came to one of the lesser used bridges over the river. They stopped in the middle and leaned against the railing, watching the city light up against the night.

"What should I do with this?" Lindsay asked, holding up the wooden shish-kebab skewer. Adam looked around for a moment.

"Think you could hit that barge down there?"

"Of course."

She dropped the skewer and they watched as it dropped onto the passing barge.

"Nice aim babe."

"Your turn."

His skewer landed smack dab on the middle of the roof of the wheelhouse.

"You're not so bad yourself."

He smiled and took her in his arms, pressing a kiss to her hair while she rested against him.

"You know, this city, it's one of the most beautiful in the world. It has everything you could ever want. Everyone is free here. And there's always beauty in it, no matter what time of day or what the weather is like. There's always something new."

"Yeah."

"You're like that."

"What?"

"You're always beautiful. You're everything I've ever wanted. You make me free. Everyday I learn something new about you and everyday I love you just a little bit more."

He spun one of her curls around his finger as she looked up at him.

"What in the world did I do to deserve you?" she asked, tracing over his lips.

"Maybe we were both in the right place at the right time."

"One in a million shot."

"We should go to Vegas while we're this lucky."

"We could go to Vegas any time because I plan on being this lucky for the rest of my life."

"Me too."

They stood for a long time just holding each other and staring out at the water. She listened to his heart while he felt her every breath and they cemented themselves in the moment of calm and safety.

"Undertoned tomes."

"Another clue?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Undertoned tomes. Besides being kind of hard to say, I am going to have to guess that it has something to do with books. Undertoned could mean underrated, or it could be a sarcastic antonym for something Oprah promoted. It could mean little books, or books read in a hushed tone. Are we going to a poetry reading?"

"You're on the right track. Wanna go?"

"Yep."

They walked off the bridge and headed down a quiet street, where orange light spilled out of shop windows and illuminated the puddles on the sidewalk, creating a near ethereal glow.

"Remember how you said you wanted to read some Kerouac?"

"Yes."

He opened the door of a small bookstore and led her inside. It smelled like old books, and coffee and carbon copied pages. She smiled up at him and he pointed her to the old loveseat in the back corner, then wandered off, apparently looking for something. She sat down on the old couch, sinking into it with a sigh and watched Adam as he perused the store, finally finding what he had been looking for and joining her on the couch. They settled in together and he opened the book, flipping through some pages until he found what he was looking for.

"This is my favorite Kerouac poem," he said, holding the book with one hand and her with the other.

"You gonna read it to me?"

"Mm-hmm."

He cleared his throat and she closed her eyes, letting the words and his voice drift over her.

"But a tree has a long suffering shape, is spread in half by two limbed fate, rises from gray rain pavements, to traffic in the bleak brown air, of cities radar television nameless dumb & numb mis cummicumb, throwing twigs the color of ink, to white souled heaven, with a reality of its own uses."

"Mmm," she sighed as his thumb ran up and down her arm. "Read some more."

They spent the next hour reading poems and passages to each other, some from Kerouac and Ginsberg, some from Shakespeare and Whitman. It was something neither one of them really had much time for while life was happening.

"Ready for dessert?" he asked, once their voices had tired.

"Sure. Do I get a clue?"

"You like this game don't you?"

"Yep."

"Okay. Sheltered campfire."

"Hmm. Well we're nowhere near a ski lodge, so one of those big fireplaces is out of the running. It's the wrong time of year for a bonfire. And mentioning a bonfire has now made me crave s'mores."

"Keep thinking what you're thinking."

"We're having s'mores?" she asked as he pulled her up from the couch. "Where?"

"Just this little place I know," he said.

"Adam I guessed most of it, so you're going to tell me the rest right?"

"There's this place down the street where they bring you a tabletop free standing fire pit thing and you can roast marshmallows and make s'mores right at your table."

"This is officially the best date ever."

"Ever?"

"Well the one where you proposed is slightly ahead of this one, but that's only because at the end of that night I had new jewelry."

"Can't argue with that."

* * *

"One last clue," Adam said, taking her hand and leading her down the street once again. She sighed in marshmallowy chocolate contentment and gave his hand a squeeze.

"It's almost over already?"

"Yeah. It's getting kinda late and I have to work tomorrow and I'm sure you want to see Colton."

"Yeah."

"Michael Finnegan."

"That does not follow the pattern of your previous clues my dear."

"I know. I cheated a little."

"Michael Finnegan. Something to do with first grade music class?"

"Nope."

"Irish whiskey?"

"Nope."

"You're shaving your beard?"

"I would if you wanted me to, but that was not the clue."

"I don't want you to. Might reveal a baby face under there."

"You wound me."

"I'd still love you."

"I'll have you know that I have a very sexy chiseled jaw line."

"I believe you."

"It's true."

"I promise, I believe you. Besides, I will always think you're sexy."

"You wanna skip the final clue and head home?"

"Yes, but no."

"Okay then. Michael Finnegan."

"Hmm. There was an old man named Michael Finnegan, he had whiskers on his chin-egan, they grew out and then grew in again, poor old Michael Finnegan, begin again. I got nothing."

"Say that last part again."

"Begin again?"

He nodded and pointed up at the building they were standing next to.

"Adam… what are we doing at my old apartment?"

"Do you remember what happened in this exact spot almost three years ago?"

She smiled suddenly, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Yes, I do. The beginning."

He framed her face with his hands, just as he had done the first time, stroking his thumbs across her cheek before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. He gave her a second to respond before pulling away and resting his forehead on hers. Their eyes met and she smiled, using the slightest pressure on his neck to force him back down. He slid one hand down to the small of her back and pulled her impossibly closer, nibbling her bottom lip, then soothing over it with his tongue. He moved away slightly without breaking contact, and she stood on her toes to follow him, almost moaning when he ran his thumb over the shell of her ear. Their tongues touched gently, teasingly, then retreated, the kiss slowing into short pecks until they were finally ready to let go.

"Remember that?"

"Most definitely."

"I want you to feel that way every day, Linds."

"I do."

"You know what the best part is?"

"Hmm?"

"This time, we get to go home together."

"Then let's go."

* * *

The sports highlights were playing softly when they returned. Danny was sitting down on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, while Austin lay with her head in his lap. She was asleep, as was Colton, who was curled up on her chest.

"Hey guys," Danny greeted in a whisper, absently playing with Austin's hair.

"Hey."

"I told her that she could put him in the crib, but she refused. Then when I tried to move him she growled at me. Figured it was better to just leave 'em like that."

"Probably," Lindsay agreed as Austin started to wake up. "Hey Aust, can I have my kid?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Okay, but as your best friend I feel like I should warn you that he usually has a pretty good diaper about this time of night."

"You can have him."

They transferred him easily and he only woke up for a minute, grumping a little before he realized that it was his mama who had him. He smiled slightly and fell back to sleep against her chest.

"How'd it go?" Adam asked, setting his keys on the counter.

"We were kinda like the pilot episode of _Full House_ but eventually we found our footing," Austin answered, sitting up. "He's still alive, so I would score that in our favor."

"I concur."

"We'd better go. I should get this one home before she starts singing Petula Clark."

"Daniel, shut up, it was just that one time."

"C'mon Graceless."

He helped her off the couch and they were out the door in a few minutes.

"I'm going to go put him to bed if you want to shut everything off out here," Lindsay said, moving towards Colton's bedroom. She left the overhead light off but flicked the nightlight on and kissed his cheek before settling him into the crib. He squirmed into a comfortable position and sighed, one arm coming up to rest over his head.

"Goodnight little boy. See you in a few hours."

She padded out of the room and shut the door halfway, meeting Adam in the hall. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him while he dropped a kiss to her hair.

"Thank you for tonight. It was perfect."

"Not over yet," he whispered, lifting her into his arms.

"Why Mr. Ross, I have no idea what you might have in mind," she giggled as he crossed the threshold into their bedroom. He grinned and laid her gently against the pillows, moving a strand of hair back from her face before he kissed her.

"No idea?" he asked, as his hand smoothed over her stomach and his lips found her neck. She reached over and turned off the bedside lamp and toed her shoes off. "Does that mean you don't wanna find out?"

A deep throaty laugh met him when he kissed her again and they shut out the rest of the world.


	50. Chapter 50

It was a perfect spring day with rain in the morning and sun in the afternoon. One of the rarest of days, when Adam and Lindsay were both off of work and able to spend some real time together. They had originally planned to spend the day out, enjoying the weather, running errands and treasuring every unencumbered second. The rain and the slight chill had kept them inside, which was just as well because they were all together. Colton was loving the attention from both of them, and showing off his new skills of rolling over, at least from front to back. He would smile proudly, then wait for one of them to move him back to his stomach so he could perform his trick again.

The stereo was on, and they had been listening to Jimmy Eat World all morning while they leisurely played and read the paper. By ten though, it was really time to change into regular clothes and shed some of the slothfulness they had been practicing so far. Lindsay took Colton into his bedroom and stripped his pajamas off, then blew raspberries all over his stomach. He shrieked and tugged on her hair, giggles tumbling out of his mouth louder than she had ever heard them. She laughed too, finding herself wonderfully blanketed in his cries of happiness. The moments when his eyes lit up for her, when he reached out for contact, when he looked at her as if she was the only thing he would ever need, those were the moments she lived for, craved and cherished. She knew he would grow up and he wouldn't need her anymore, she wouldn't be his whole world, but she prayed that he would always give her that smile.

She changed his diaper and popped a red onesie over his head, chuckling at the way his hair stood up from the static electricity.

"Guess daddy forgot the dryer sheet in that load of laundry," she said, snapping his overalls as there was a knock on the front door. "I think you need socks today."

She settled him on the floor and went in search of socks, a task that had become quite the feat. Between the dryer and the cats making the socks into toys it took her a while to find two that matched.

"Okay little man, give me those piggies."

He chewed on his finger and watched her intently as she slid the socks on, then lifted him so he was standing up.

"Big boy," she commented, leaning in to kiss him. He patted her cheek and she pulled him against her chest, sighing when he curled into her, his head on her shoulder. Adam came into the room and quietly stooped down to drop a kiss onto her head.

"Who was at the door?"

"Oh it was nothing. I'm going to go for a walk."

She turned and looked up at him, her quizzical expression meeting his unreadable one.

"What's the matter babe?"

"Nothing. I just need to…"

She nodded with a sliver of understanding and he gave her a half smile.

"I won't be long."

"Kiss."

He smiled and obliged her then walked out of the room, leaving her worried and confused. She wasn't sure what had changed him from happy and relaxed to needing to get out of the house in the space of five minutes, but she was pretty sure she didn't like it.

"What's the matter with daddy?" she asked with a sigh. Colton rubbed at his nose in response. "Are you getting tired? That's what happens when you get up at the butt crack of dawn. You can take a snooze while I shower okay?"

He didn't protest when she placed him in the crib and tucked him in, then turned the light off and slipped from the room. She went back to the front room and looked around, trying to see if there was anything out of place that would indicate the sudden change in Adam's mood. There wasn't anything to tip her off, so she went back into the bathroom for a quick shower. Maybe she had been reading him wrong. Maybe nothing was bothering him and he really just wanted to take a walk. Maybe he had forgotten to pick up the milk on the way home last night and this was his way of covering for himself. She was sure that whatever it was, he would tell her soon enough.

She dressed and fixed her hair then went and peeked in on Colton before going into the kitchen. It was kind of late in the day for breakfast, but she wanted pancakes, and pancakes she was going to have. The music floated around her as she worked, the smell of the pancakes taking her back to Saturday mornings as a kid, sitting on the couch with her brothers and watching _JabberJaws_ and _The Smurfs_, eating breakfast and hearing her parents talk faintly in the other room. It was consistency and security and the exact life she wished for Colton.

She was just taking the last pancake off the heat when the front door opened and Adam returned.

"Hey honey," she greeted, wiping her hands off. He smiled and crossed the room to her, taking her in his arms and pressing a kiss to her forehead. "You okay?"

"You're good to come home to."

"I'm glad, but are you okay?"

"Can we talk?"

"Always. You hungry?"

"Yep."

She handed him a plate and took one for herself, then followed him over to the couch.

"So what's going on?"

"That was my dad at the door."

She nearly dropped her fork and did drop her jaw in surprise.

"What?"

"Never in a million years did I think he would show up here."

"What was he doing here?"

"Apparently my gregarious Aunt Abby let slip where I was at. Not that it's been a secret, but he's never cared so no one ever told him. But get her going and she's going to tell you things that you never knew you didn't want to know. I mean she talks more and faster than the chicks on that one show you like and she's in her fifties. I can only imagine what it was like when she was younger and-"

"Adam."

"Sorry. I guess he wanted to see me and she told him I was here and married and had a kid and he thinks that somehow we're going to bond over that or something."

"Is that what he said?"

"Not really. He just acted like everything was normal, calling me son, asking how I was, wanted to come in and meet you guys. He didn't apologize or anything. It was like nothing ever happened, we'd just been apart for a while. You know, I haven't talked to him since I was thirteen, I haven't seen him since my college graduation, which he showed up to drunk by the way. It's like he just decides every ten years or so that he needs to drop in on my life to keep up appearances or something."

"I'm sorry baby," Lindsay soothed, running her hand over his arm.

"You know what I hate? Seeing him makes me so mad. Seething. To the point where I think I'm going to explode. And that's something I get from him. And that makes me even more mad."

"That's why you had to walk," she deduced, the pieces falling into place.

"He loves playing these head games and he does it so well that he doesn't have to do anything other than exist and he wins. He just shows up and suddenly I feel inadequate, I fear that I'm going to turn out like him, I don't want to be here because I'm afraid it's going to happen to me and I'm going to hurt you."

"Adam, that's not going to happen."

"Lindsay, you've never seen me mad," he rebutted, lifting his eyes to meet hers. "Not really. It doesn't happen much, and I don't think it's even happened in the last three or four years, but it can happen. It's the temper I got from my father. I worry that someday I won't be able to control it and you're going to be standing there and you're going to get hurt. I don't want that."

"It's not going to happen."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. I know how much you love me. You're aware of the issue and you won't let it happen."

"But how do you know?"

"Do you remember when you told me about your dad the first time?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not an idiot, Adam. I know that these things sometimes end up being cyclical. But that's not you. I know you, honey and that is just not who you are. And I trust you completely."

He sighed and rested his head on the back of the couch and she gently ran her knuckles over his chest.

"What are you thinkin' honey?"

"You know, even after all these years, even growing up and moving on, seeing him still makes me feel… small. Just the way he always wanted me to feel. I still believe it. I can still feel him hitting me, I can still hear him telling me that I'm worthless. And I don't think about it much, but it's there in the back of my mind and I think subconsciously I make decisions based on that. Maybe I could have done more with my life, you know? Maybe I could have done something with more of a challenge and I'd be making all this money right now. And maybe I settled for being a lab rat because that's as good as I thought I was. Maybe I could have gone to Yale or Harvard or Princeton, but I didn't think I was good enough, so I didn't even apply."

"Stop it."

"What? This isn't a pity party, I'm just saying-"

"Stop it! I hate hearing you talk like that. You are not small or worthless or any of the things that he ever said you are. You could have chosen whatever life you wanted and you wanted this one and you got it. That's more successful than a prize winning scientist or the guy who figured out that Windows Vista sucks. Adam, why do you believe what some loser told you years ago when everyone else is telling you something different?"

"I don't know, Linds."

"C'mere."

She pulled him into her arms, comforting him just as he had done for her so many times. She pressed kisses to his face while saying the words that she said so often, but that he needed to hear again more definitively and sure than she had ever said them before.

"You are amazing. You're perfect. No where on earth exists a man that is a better husband or a better father. And that's why I picked you. I love you. Do you get that?"

"I got it."

"I want you to stop hearing him. Hear me instead. Hear me."

He nodded and relaxed into her arms letting her be the strong and soothing one for a little while.

"I hate him," she whispered softly after a moment, scratching her fingers through his hair.

"I know. I do too."

"I hate what he did to you and your mom."

He was quiet for a moment, then sat up and turned to face her.

"Lindsay, if I ever turn out like him, promise me you'll take Colton and leave."

"Adam."

"Promise me."

She took his hand and rested her forehead against his, closing her eyes against the thought.

"I promise."

He crushed her into his arms and kissed her.

"Thank you."

They sat like that for a long time, every second feeling more and more like they could overcome anything thrown at them, whether it be outside forces or each other. They had the foundation and the strength to hold hands through it all and come out the other side even closer.


	51. Chapter 51

Adam watched Lindsay warily as she shut the front door, draped her coat over the chair, kicked her shoes off and flopped down on the other end of the couch.

"So how was work?"

"Fine. I am so tired," she sighed. "I have court in the morning and I didn't even know about it until noon, so I was trying to get ready for that and process a bunch of evidence and not get the two things confused. My brain hurts."

"How do you always manage to tack an extra hour or two onto your shift?"

"I don't know. I must just work a lot slower than I used to."

"Maybe."

"I don't like the habit though. I'd rather be and eight to fiver sometimes."

"I know. You got a package today."

"From who?"

"Taylor."

"I'll open it in a while," she said, laying down across the couch, her head in his lap. He tucked her hair behind her ear and she closed her eyes as her muscles bunched and released, unfamiliar with her lack of movement.

"Where's Colton?"

"Sleeping. His first nap of the day might I add."

"I hope he wasn't cranky."

"Quite the opposite actually. I think I tuckered him out."

"That's good," she yawned, rubbing her eyes.

"Do you need to go and join the afternoon nap club?"

"I just need to close my eyes for two minutes."

"Is that all?"

"Maybe three."

He smiled and ran his thumb up and down her side listening as her breathing slowed. He loved to watch her sleep and he sometimes woke up a few minutes early to do so. He could see in those moments just how much she trusted him, how peaceful she was in his arms, how obviously they had been created for each other. He ran his fingers down her arm and took her hand, turning it over to trace the lines and scars on her palm. The rough marks from braiding rawhides, the slight silvery line from her haphazard attempt at screen door repair when she was thirteen. He noted the way her pinkie was slightly bent, a break that had never been set.

She sighed and fell into a deeper sleep, curling her hand around his. He smiled and slouched down on the couch, then grabbed the blanket and draped it over her.

"Adam?"

"Go back to sleep, babe."

"Need to make dinner."

"I got it covered. Sleep."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

He sat there for a while, letting her acclimate to sleep before carefully standing up and placing a throw pillow under her head. She grumped in her sleep but didn't wake up, instead snuggling into the cushions and reaching her hand out for him. He pushed her hair back and kissed her forehead, then stood up and went into the kitchen to finish making dinner. He usually ordered out, but she spent time making him a good meal at least four times a week, and he felt it was only fair for him to return the favor. He was actually a decent cook and didn't know why he hadn't taken the initiative before now. Opening the oven, he added a little more broth to the pan so the small roast wouldn't dry out, then took the carrots, onions and potatoes out of the fridge. He had just arranged the cut up pieces in the steamer basket when Colton started to cry from the other room. Adam abandoned what he was doing, dried his hands on a towel and went into the bedroom.

"Hey bud, what's all the noise? Did you get bored in here?"

He lifted his son out of the crib and kissed his cheek, then went back out to the kitchen.

"Wanna help me make dinner? Should we put some little baby toes in that pot?"

Colton grimaced as if he knew what Adam was talking about.

"You're not cookin' my kid," Lindsay admonished as she joined them, rubbing her eyes. Colton squealed when he saw her, reaching out for her and kicking his legs.

"Somebody missed you."

"I missed him too," she said, pulling him into her arms. "C'mon buddy, you can help me open the package from your auntie Taylor. I am pretty sure there's something in there for you."

He burbled a response and she took him into the other room, sitting on the couch and grabbing the box.

"Do you think she used enough packing tape on this thing?"

She used her fingernail to make a small slice in the tape, then was able to rip the rest open. She grabbed the letter first, moving the box onto the couch and unfolding the paper.

_Dear Linds,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. And that is as far as I can go in formal letter writing. Felt too weird and slightly creepy and a little British. _

_So here I sit, full of Christmas dinner and eggnog that I should not have had that third cup of. You know this is the first Christmas I have ever had real Christmas in a long time. Last year and the year before were good, but this is the very first where I have woken up happy and spent the whole day happy. Of course, I did miss you like crazy. The whole family was here and you were missing. Your brothers antics aren't the same without you standing there admonishing them for whatever concoction they're cooking up. Maybe next Christmas._

_And I just realized that I probably won't get this letter to you until April or May. That's okay, you won't mind._

_So I guess your mom is leaving soon to go and see you and Colton and I must say I am really jealous. So not fair, I wanna see him! And you don't send nearly enough pictures. Because I have like five and that's just not right._

_Speaking of pictures I finally got prints of all those ones I took before your wedding. There's some good ones in there. The one of Mac and Stella shall live in infamy I am guessing. _

_Anyway, being out of school even for a week makes my handwriting suck and become illegible, so I'm going to stop rambling now. _

_Love you Linds._

_Tay_

"Colton look, your first pair of cowboy boots," she said, walking the shoes over his stomach. He giggled as she slid them onto his feet. "They're a little too big, but it's my bet you're going to learn to walk in these things."

"He looks funny wearing a onesie and boots. In fact, he looks like your baby pictures."

"Better he look like mine than yours, streaker."

"I don't like that you and my mom get along so well."

"Yeah, yeah. Hey c'mere."

"What?"

"Pictures from before the wedding. So young."

They were mostly just snapshots of family, the day at the lake, the bachelorette party. They flipped through the pictures, fondly remembering the innocence of those days, the excitement of the unknown.

"I like this one," she said, handing a picture to him. They were curled up on her parent's porch swing, taking a nap in the afternoon sun.

"That's us lazy."

"That's us happy."

"We're always happy."

"Yes we are."

He leaned down and kissed her, then headed back into the kitchen while Lindsay grabbed her cell phone out of her purse. She dialed a familiar number and blew a raspberry on Colton's cheek while she waited for an answer.

"Hello?"

"Well hello Auntie Taylor, Colton just wanted to say thank you for the boots."

"Hey Linds. Nice baby talk."

"Thanks, I've been practicing. What are you up to?"

"Studying like a good girl. Marveling at the fact that I have a day off from work and school. Wondering if your mom or dad is going to win the argument over what happened to the cheese."

"Dad ate it."

"How do you know?"

"Because the cheese fight has ended the same way for the last… how long have they been married now?"

"Is that normal?"

"I'm not sure. You're asking the woman who is married to the guy who washes out the laundry basket after it's had dirty clothes in it so the clean clothes don't get redirty."

"Serious."

"I would not joke about something as weird as that. He even asks me if I washed out the baskets. I started just leaving all the laundry for him to do."

"That's interesting."

"That's married life. Speaking of relationships, how's Thaddeus?"

"Oh. We broke up."

"What? When?"

"Last week."

"You didn't call me."

"I didn't know what to say."

"Do you know what to say now, because I want to know what happened. Who broke up with who?"

"It was kind of a "You're fired! You can't fire me, I quit!" thing. It started as a fight and turned into me not loving or trusting him and ended with a very civilized and mature break up."

"Oh sweets. Are you okay?"

"Your mom hugged me and listened to me cry and your dad brought me ice-cream and told me he loves me and Thaddeus wasn't good enough for me anyway."

"That sounds like them. Wanna give me any more details than that?"

"Yeah, but not right now. I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright. Anything else going on?"

"My dad called."

"Whoa, crack the egg and rewind. Your dad called?"

"It just happened yesterday. He called and… there was a lot that my mom let me believe that wasn't true. He didn't run out on us, she got a restraining order, claiming that he hit her. When they got divorced she got custody because he worked so much. She's a manipulator and was able to get whatever she wanted out of the courts and he never got to see me. He said he was mad at her and he took it out on me when he didn't fight to see me. He apologized for everything."

"That's a lot."

"Yeah. Part of me thinks he's just trying to make himself feel better, but I think my mom screwed up way more than even I thought she did. He didn't have a chance to fix it before."

"Yeah."

"I'm just going to go with it for now."

"Have you talked to your mom at all?"

"Not a word. She hasn't tried either. Doesn't bother me, I wasn't expecting her to."

"Oh little girl, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm alive. I laugh. It's all good."

"Okay."

"Hey, how's Colton?"

"He's good. Laying on the couch looking at me and chewing on his finger. He talks a lot and by talks I mean he babbles incessantly. Adam and I are fighting over if he's going to say mama or daddy first, but we both accept the fact that being our child means he'll probably throw us for a loop and say something like tangerine."

"I have an idea where he gets the incessant babbling from."

"Hey now."

"I bet he's cute, and I don't even get to see him," Taylor mock pouted.

"Well maybe it's time to quit talking about you coming out here and just do it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Sometime this summer. You got any vacation coming up?"

"The last week in June."

"Wanna do it then?"

"How many languages can I say yes in?"

"I'll have Adam look for tickets that don't cost my entire life savings."

"I'll finally be able to prove that I can kick his butt at Guitar Hero."

"I think he'll be up for the challenge, but I must warn you that he is a very dramatic loser."

"How so?"

"Clutching his chest, falling to the floor, gut wrenching fake sobs, refusing to give up the controller. It was cute two years ago, now it makes me roll my eyes."

"And yet you still wanna jump him."

"Taylor!"

"What? It wouldn't be healthy if you didn't."

"I can't believe you just said that."

"I can't believe you're this scandalized over it."

"You're supposed to be eight still."

"Sorry."

"Harsh reality."

"Bites. Hey so what are your thoughts about me going to London or Paris for a year?"

"To study abroad? I think that would be radically epic."

"Really?"

"Of course it would. I would sit here and be monstrously jealous and you would fall madly in love with a European man who has lots of money and takes you to places like Bali just because he can."

"So I would be going there to become Heidi Klum?"

"You can't walk in stilettos. Besides, you can only do all that adventuring during school breaks. You can't flunk out of Oxford because you were in Istanbul trying to get to Constantinople and you missed your flight back to London."

"Linds, if I didn't know that Istanbul and Constantinople were the same place, then maybe they should just make me stay in Turkey."

"Yeah, you would probably already be flunking out of Oxford."

"Thanks for the faith sis."

"Anytime. So when are you planning on doing this thing?"

"Sophomore year of college. I'll be done with high school this winter because I fast tracked, and then I'm going to take the spring and summer to save extra for school. So in about two and a half years. It feels closer than that."

"It'll come fast, I promise."

"Yeah. Hey, your parents want me to tie-break their cheese fight."

"Go ahead. Just don't say a word about the salami."

"Got it. I love you."

"I love you too sweet face."

She hung up the phone and looked down at Colton, who was gumming the flap on the cardboard box. He stopped mid chew and looked at her, as if asking her permission to continue. She chuckled and ran her hand over his head, noting how long his hair was getting and how it had curled a little on the ends. He abandoned the box and slithered over to her, grabbing her shirt to pull himself into her lap. She had to help him, but soon he was settled against her, playing with the button on her sleeve.

"I missed you today buddy. No one else laughs at my jokes."

He grinned and she tickled his chin, earning a chuckle.

"I love you. You know that right? Even when I have to leave for a while, I'll always come back."

He gave her a knowing smile then popped his thumb into his mouth.

"If you just so happen to be hungry right now that would totally help me out, seeing as you haven't nursed since this morning."

They stared up at each other for a while before he nuzzled closer to her, his hand waving in the air for a moment before coming to rest over her heart.

"I guess that answers that," she said, pulling a blanket over him and adjusting so they were both comfortable. He had started out as a fast eater, but ever since she went back to work, she could tell he was slowing down. Whether that meant he was getting enough or he thought she might have to leave, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that the moments were fleeting and she needed to protect them in her mind so they didn't slip completely away. She ran her fingers over his plump cheek and he took a breath and smiled, then closed his eyes.

"Hey Linds?" Adam called from the other room.

"Yeah?"

"I found a flight for Taylor."

"Were you listening in on my conversation?"

"No, I overheard that part of it. Want me to go ahead and buy the ticket?"

"Bookmark it for now and we'll confirm later."

"Okay. Is there a game on tonight?"

"I think so. Want to make popcorn and prank call Austin and Danny at the end of every inning?"

"Of course."

He came into the room and reached down to rub her shoulders.

"Maybe next year at this time we can take Colton to a game."

"Okay, but you're not feeding him a hotdog."

"Deal. I'm glad you're home babe."

"Me too."


	52. Chapter 52

The smell of decomposition was almost overwhelming, and Lindsay turned away from the body, burying her nose in her sleeve. Bodies had enough smells, and this particular one was exacerbated by heat and enclosure. She couldn't stop her mind from imagining this woman's final moments, being attacked in her own home, stabbed, shoved into a closet. She shuddered at the thought, her eyes surveying the room, taking in the pictures on the mantle, the well worn couches, the trinkets on the coffee table. This woman had a lot of special things in her life, special people, and she had still died alone.

"No sign of forced entry," Flack noted, checking his small notebook. "No witnesses on first canvas, but Detective Angell just went for another go round."

"Anyone find a murder weapon?" Danny asked, crouching over the body and pushing his glasses up.

"Not so far, but I'll give you three guesses what it is."

"Gee Flack, I got no clue. Linds, you wanna start taking the over alls and I'll do the close ups?"

She nodded at his suggestion appreciating that he remembered her issues with too much blood. She worked clockwise around the room, paying careful attention to disturbed dust and points of entry. Nothing was disturbed and it seemed that the murder had happened right in the middle of the room. She was meticulous about photographing the faux Persian rug from every angle, every height, paying particular attention to the pilling that indicated snags. She tried not to hypothesize too soon, but it seemed pretty obvious that the victim had been dragged from the middle of the room and into the closet. Of course if a murderer was just going to run, what difference did it make where the body was left?

She and Danny worked in silence for a long time, the only sound being the cameras clicking and their kits opening and closing. They took fingerprints and swabs and measurements for what seemed like hours, and had to make two trips to and from the car to get all the evidence together.

Her stomach was growling by the time they headed back to the lab and Danny glanced over at her, raising his eyebrow.

"You hungry Montana, or was that just the beast inside you?"

"I want a milkshake."

"Oh, am I buyin'?"

"You're the boy."

"And this is 1954?"

"Don't be such a square," she said in her best Rizzo voice. He chuckled and shook his head.

"How 'bout this. We get back to the lab and you help me carry all this junk in, including that massive rug, and I will buy you a milkshake."

"Dealio. By the way, when's Austin going on maternity leave?"

"Tomorrow under vehement protest."

"I can imagine."

"She keeps askin' me what she's gonna do, and I'm like "you're gonna have a baby," and she's like "yeah, but after that I'm gonna get bored." I don't know what to tell her."

"She's going to sleep a lot, have no energy and constantly feel like there's a million things to do that she doesn't have time for."

"I'm glad you procreated first."

"Gee thanks?"

"Naw, I just mean it's good to have someone around who knows what they're talkin' about."

"I lie a lot."

"Don't tell me that!"

"You guys are going to be just fine. And if you're not, the kid won't know that."

"I think they call that throwin' 'em in the deep end."

"Don't complain, I had nothing to go on."

"At least you got nieces and nephews and all that. The only diapering Austin has ever done is on your kid."

"Well then her experience is fresh."

"You tell her that when she wakes up at three in the morning suddenly frantic about whether she should use baby powder or diaper rash cream."

"Oh that's just because it's three a.m. She'll be fine and she knows it."

"If you say so."

"I do say so."

* * *

"Cause of death is blood loss due to multiple stab wounds," Sid reported, walking around the slab and turning on the monitor. "Three to the neck, none of which managed to get the jugular. Three to the chest and one just below the sternum. I've got the measurements in the report there. I'm no mathematician, but it seems to me that the injuries were inflicted as she was falling to the floor."

"Did you determine what kind of knife was used?" Lindsay asked, scanning over Sid's report.

"Something with serration, possibly. I'll know more once I go in depth. There is one odd wound on her throat, in the middle of a stab wound. "

"Any defense wounds?"

"A fresh fracture on her wrist. I'm assuming she used it to break her fall."

Lindsay sighed and sucked her teeth while Danny took the report from her and looked it over.

"Any trace?"

"There was dirt on the top of her right foot. A small bruise had just started to form underneath and it looks like a shoe print. Maybe the perp stepped on her foot."

"Thanks Sid. Anything else?"

"Not so far. I'll have the final report in a few hours."

They took the few bits of trace from him and headed back up to the lab, where Hawkes was processing what they had brought in before.

"Hey guys, did anything come back on our vic's tox screen?"

"Nothing so far. Why?"

"There were trace amounts of meth on her clothes."

"Really?" Danny asked, looking at the place Hawkes indicated. "Haven't had a case involving meth in… almost a year now."

"Easy and cheap to make, but not much demand for it here. Drug seekers are usually more into cocaine and heroin."

"Meth is more of a west coast thing."

"You know you're in meth country when you can smell it on the wind and know exactly how far away the lab is," Lindsay said with a shake of her head.

"I take it Montana has a meth problem."

"Not really. It's Idaho and Eastern Washington that are bad. Their most notorious meth suppliers will set up their labs in Montana because it's easier to hide there. They cook it and take it back from whence they came. Once or twice they've taken their meth and left their kids. That's always good."

"Wow."

"You haven't lived until you've cuffed a seventeen year old while his cabin lab explodes ten yards away."

"And we just thought you settled disputes over bulls and the price of wheat."

"We're classier than that. It's Idaho where cow tipping and domestic violence go hand in hand. Brings new meaning to the word heifer."

"Back to New York where things actually make sense," Danny said, rolling his eyes. "You think there was a drug motivation behind this? Whacked out, looking for money?"

"That's what I'm thinking. I'm not sure who else would have enough against a little old lady that they would kill her so brutally."

Lindsay and Danny nodded at Hawkes' assessment, then silently went for the rug, unrolling it on one of the tables. They were looking for patterns in the blood drops, and they swabbed everything that showed up under the ultraviolet light, just in case the killer left something of himself behind.

"I've got something," Lindsay said after a while, holding up a small pebble like substance with a pair of tweezers. It was covered in blood and she stared at it, wondering if it had something to do with the crime or if it was a piece of barkdust that had been tracked in weeks or months before. She took a swab of the blood, washed the object carefully, finding that it was dark grey, nearly black, and had a small sliver of wood attached to it. She put it into the GCMS and went back to the rug while the machine did its job.

"You know, this thing is pretty clean," Danny noted, standing back and looking at the rug. "Very little hair and dirt, like it was vacuumed often. I would think that I would be finding more trace from the bottom of a shoe or something, but I'm not finding anything."

"I got a piece of manila envelope," Hawkes reported, holding up his find. "It was right on the top, no fibers holding it down. I think we can assume it's fresh."

"Same with the substance I found."

"Which is?"

"Still processing. Chillax."

""Scuse me?"

She rolled her eyes and went back to the rug while Danny continued to give her a strange look.

"I don't know how Adam understands a word you say."

"Where do you think I learned all those words?"

"If you start sayin' whuddup…"

"What is it with men and catchphrases?"

"We don't all have catchphrases," Hawkes said with a chuckle.

"Whuddup, boom, and Flack's new 'that's it,' complete with tie straightening. I feel like we should make crime lab bumper stickers."

"I dig your Flack impression Linds."

"Thank you, Hawkes. I've been working on it."

* * *

"Pencil lead, a manila envelope, and dustings of meth."

"Do I look like Kreskin, Danny?"

"C'mon Lindsay. Mental leap here. Even I made it already."

"Well you're going to have to help me out."

"Remember how we said the guy was probably looking for money to support his habit?"

"Yeah."

"Who has money? Retirees. But they don't usually hand it out unless it's for a good reason. And you know what a good reason is?"

"It had better be coming up."

"A pledge drive."

"A pledge drive?"

"Yeah. You know when you're a kid and your school does a fun run or something, and you get people to give you a nickel for every lap around the track."

"A nickel? I didn't think you were that much older than me."

"But you know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah. The things I usually begged out of by faking an injury so I could sit on the benches and count people's laps instead."

"Why does this revelation not surprise me?"

"Because you know me that well. You're thinking whoever did this went to collect money for a fake pledge drive and she refused."

"Sid did say that the funky stab wound in the throat was the right size for a pencil. And that trace you found came up as graphite."

"It's plausible. But where's the pencil? And the knife, we never found that."

"You thinking we need to go back to the house?"

"Maybe," she said, checking her watch. "It's getting kind of late. You wanna send a team or go ourselves?"

"We'd better just go. We know what we're looking for. I'll have you home at a decent hour."

"A decent hour was an hour ago," she said, sliding into her coat. You'd better drive fast, I'm exhausted."

"You sure you wanna go then?"

"Yeah, let's get outta here."

* * *

It may have been spring but it was cold once the sun fell, not to mention wet, and once they finished inside without finding anything, they moved out into the yard with flashlights.

"We shoulda thought this through Lindsay," Danny said, stepping over a pile of something a dog had left.

"What, you think we're going to miss something just because it's dark out?"

"Perish the thought. Wait, I think I got somethin' over here. Come hold this rosebush back."

"Way to be the man, Messer," she grumbled, leaning against the house and holding the rosebush back with her foot.

"Ya put your right foot in," he chuckled, earning a glare from her while he carefully extracted a bloody kitchen knife from under the bush. "So you think it was Colonel Mustard or Miss Scarlet?"

"I can't believe you're making Clue jokes at three in the morning."

"Ug, it's that late already? Austin's gonna kill me."

"She'll be too tired to kill you. She might smack you a few times though."

"You want to keep looking? If the perp ditched the knife, he mighta ditched the pencil."

"Okay," she yawned, watching him bag the knife.

"You gonna make it?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

They spent another half hour in the yard before finally deciding that they needed more light to work. They got into the car and he turned the heater on while she yawned a few more times.

"Geez Montana, you used to be able to go for two days straight with no sleep."

"I haven't had a full night of sleep since Colton was born. And the rest of the time it's pretty exhausting anyway. Good exhausting though. Don't want to scare you."

"Speakin' of scared, thanks for bein' there for Austin lately. She's not exactly the most open person on the planet, so just getting a little bit outta her takes some work. She tells me stuff, but I don't get it usually. And her mom…Austin just doesn't say much."

"No, she doesn't."

"Thanks for listenin' when she does."

"She's my best friend. She'd do the same for me."

* * *

It was close to dawn by the time she got home. The apartment was quiet save for the hum of the fridge and the slow drip of the sink that Adam still hadn't fixed. She peeked in on Colton who was sleeping soundly with his arms thrown over his head. She replaced his blankets and kissed him, then tiptoed into her own bedroom where Adam was sleeping much the same way. She changed her clothes and slid into bed, smiling when his arms came around her.

"You're home late."

"I'm sorry."

"S'okay. I figured you would be when you called earlier. You guys make any headway?"

"We found the murder weapon and called it a night."

"What time are you going in?"

"I just came home for a nap," she said by way of explanation, sighing as he rubbed her shoulder. "I'll get up around seven. Or maybe eight."

"Go to sleep babe."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't want to be alone when I die."

"Linds."

"I know."

He pressed a kiss to the back of her neck and held her tightly until they both fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: Case continued in the next chapter. I am too tired at the moment.


	53. Chapter 53

The next morning came all too quickly, and Lindsay buried her face in her pillow with a groan. Adam's hand came over and rubbed her shoulders for few minutes while she pried her eyes open.

"I don't want to get up."

"I don't want you to."

"Then we're agreed."

"You gotta get up."

"I hate life," she said, rolling over and cuddling into him. "Can we postpone it for an hour?"

He smiled and gently pushed her hair away from her face, taking a minute to look into the eyes he hadn't seen in almost 24 hours.

"Hey baby."

"Hi."

She smiled as he took her hand, lacing their fingers together and leaning down to kiss her. After a moment he rolled over and pulled her up onto his chest, his arms wrapping around her in a tight hug. She closed her eyes and imagined that she was melting into him, so she would never have to go. His hand splayed over the small of her back, his thumb stroking up and down her spine. She moaned into his neck, her lips pressing to his skin for a split second before she peeled herself away from him and sat up.

"I gotta go."

His hands stayed on her hips, his thumbs making small circles on her stomach. They smiled at each other and she shook her head.

"I won't be home as late tonight as I was last night, I promise."

"I'm holding you to that," he said, giving her a little squeeze before letting her go. She climbed off the bed and rubbed her eyes, then turned around and kissed him gently.

"Thanks for making me wanna play hooky."

"Anytime."

She went into the bathroom and showered quickly, letting the water wake her up and get her mind back into the case. She ran through what they had so far, needing to be at the top of her game as soon she stepped into the lab. The fact that the body was in the closet still bothered her a little. Who would take the time to stuff a body in such a small space unless they really needed to? Of course it was meant to be concealed, but inside a closed house wouldn't it be concealed enough? She sighed and rinsed the conditioner out of her hair, then stepped out of the shower and managed to be ready to go out the door in fifteen minutes.

Adam and Colton were on the couch watching the morning news and playing with toys, and the picture gave her pause. Colton squealed when he caught sight of her, reaching his hands out until she picked him up.

"I'll cuddle you for a couple hours when I get home tonight okay? Do we have a deal?"

He grinned and drooled a little and she kissed his forehead.

"Go see daddy," she said, reluctantly lowering him back to the couch. He grunted his frustration and she knew it would be seconds before he started to cry.

"Okay, I need to go. I'll call you later."

She slipped out the door and towards the elevator, despite hearing her son's distressed wails. Her stomach tightened and her heart clenched at the sound, and she wanted to curl up beside him and match his cries. But she had a job to do, and she needed to get her head in the game, or it was going to be another long night.

* * *

"Hey Danny, do you have the over alls from the scene?"

"Yeah, they're in the office. You've got that look. What are you thinkin' Linds?"

"There's something that doesn't fit. I want to know why he put her in the closet."

"Cuz he's one sick puppy?"

"Well besides that," she said, rolling her eyes and opening the door to their office. Austin was sitting at Danny's desk with her feet propped up on an open drawer.

"If you're gonna hide her in here, you at least have to feed her," Lindsay admonished, sitting down at her own desk.

"She must have followed me here. Can I keep her?"

"Long as she don't got fleas."

"Pickin' on a pregnant lady? You'll be hearing from my bleeding heart lawyer."

"So what'cha doin' here Graceless?" Danny asked, pulling a chair over and propping his feet up next to his wife's.

"I got bored sitting at home," she answered with a shrug. "Are you aware of the kind of crap that is on TV during the day? I sat there for an hour and saw about seventeen life insurance ads, twelve for AARP, and nine for Metamucil. I feel like I'm 75. So in the interest of not collecting life insurance by proxy, I figured I would hang out down here. What'cha workin' on?"

"Some thing from yesterday. Lindsay's got a theory."

"Not a full grown theory. It's like a… larval theory."

"Wait, lava?" Danny asked, receiving four raised eyebrows in return.

"Did he really just ask that?"

"He's your husband."

"Hold me."

"I die."

"What?"

"Never mind Danny. So you were talking about a larval theory?"

"I was thinking that maybe we're looking at this from a totally wrong angle. The pencil is obviously in play, but what if the piece of envelope doesn't matter? Maybe this is someone who knew her and they presented themselves as a student, but their real intention was murder? We haven't looked that far into her life yet."

"So why'd you need the pictures?"

"Because I remembered something. Her purse was sitting open on the chair by the fireplace. Now I know Austin can't back me up on this, but that is not a normal place for a purse. There was a couple bucks in there, but not a lot. What if she was actually going to give this person money, but didn't have much cash?"

"So what are you gonna do?"

"First I'm going to call Ghostbusters, and then I am going to talk to Flack and have him track down some of her family. We haven't really looked at her life. We just looked at this one event and figured it was a fluke, because it didn't seem to fit in with the little old lady."

"You're probably right Linds. As usual."

"Oh don't be so bitter Danny. Do you remember that bruise on her foot that Sid thought might be a shoeprint? It was. I've got it in the system looking for an exact match so that might give us somewhere to start."

"Sounds like you've got it under control. I'm just going to take a little rest in here," Danny replied as she started to leave the room.

"Austin, smack him for me."

"OW!"

* * *

Lindsay was teetering on the edge of exhausted by the time the shift was over, and because of the lack of progress with the case, she was also firmly planted in frustration. It was going to be days and weeks of interviews with friends and family unless the evidence pointed them in a new direction. It seemed so simple, yet they were running into tiny dead ends with every step.

Colton's cries from that morning still rang in her ears and she wanted so badly to go home she could almost taste it. She rested her head on her desk, figuring she would take a few minutes to get her thoughts back in line before filing her paperwork for the day.

"Here buddy," Austin said, setting a cup of tea down on the desk.

"Well aren't your mothering instincts taking over?" Lindsay teased, sitting up and grabbing the Styrofoam cup.

"Don't say it so loud. You look stressed."

"I am. Or tired. Or both. I can't differentiate my emotions anymore."

"No offense, but you look like dead woman walking."

"I slept about three hours last night and about five or less the few nights before that."

"Adam was on graves?"

"I can't sleep without him, and yes, I do understand the hilarity of that fact after I made fun of you for the exact same thing."

"Turn about is fair play. Danny and Flack are taking me out for dinner. Want to come?"

"I need to get home to the boys."

"Bring the boys. I think Mac and Stella are coming too."

"I'll ask Adam. We probably won't stay long though."

"That's okay."

"Hey, have you been here all day?"

"No, I left for a few hours, went home and took a marathon nap, then came back because I was bored again."

"It's moments like these I remember why we're best friends."

"Aw, only in moments like these?"

"Okay, well sometimes when you tell me things like "I think my underwear is on inside out" I might remember then too."

"That was only that one time."

"True. Hey, do you want to do some of this paperwork for me?"

"I don't love you that much. Hurry up though. We're gonna be at the place around the corner."

"The one with the magical cheese fries?"

"That's right."

"I'm there. Just give me twenty minutes."

* * *

"Hey Scooter Britches!" Lindsay greeted as Adam and Colton came into the restaurant and joined the rest of the group at the table.

"I hope you're talking to the kid," Danny chuckled.

"Of course I am," Lindsay replied while Colton squealed and used every ounce of strength he had to propel himself from Adam's arms into hers. She chuckled and aided in his escape, pressing a kiss to the top of his head while he babbled against her shoulder.

"You're the favorite," Adam said giving her a quick peck.

"I am not."

"He doesn't sit by my shoes and frown for hours on end when I'm gone, does he?"

"No, I guess not."

"He'll like me better once he figures out how to play video games."

"Because you're going to be easy to beat?"

"And she's feisty. Where does this come from?"

"I'll give you one guess and it starts with Austin," Danny answered, earning a fist to the shoulder from his wife.

"Can it, Daddy-o."

"So how's the case?" Adam asked quietly, sliding his arm around Lindsay's shoulders and stealing a fry off of her plate.

"Slow. Not much we can do at the moment, just lots of interviews."

"I know you hate that."

"Yes I do."

He smiled and kissed her forehead and they continued a wordless conversation despite the actual conversation around them. She reached under the table and squeezed his hand while they kept a smiling eye contact. Truth be told, they really did miss each other during the day, and not just in the "I wish you were here" kind of way, but in the "I turned to say something to you and you weren't there" kind of way. They could function apart, but they would rather be together most of the time.

They fell back into the conversation, but Adam kept a close watch on Lindsay, noting the dark circles under her eyes and the split second of lag time before she fully processed a joke. She was tired, and it was more than just working. She needed a real break, a vacation. They were planning to go to Arizona in September, but he thought that wasn't soon enough. She just needed a weekend away from the city, maybe just the three of them at an inn in a small town somewhere. She just needed to breathe. It was one of the things he loved most about her, the ability she had to surrender herself completely to the natural calm of the earth, to relax and hold steady and accept the natural quiet. He often teased her about being a modern hippie, but he knew it had more to do with her upbringing than anything. Away from a city, nothing to interrupt, she really did feel at peace. He needed to figure out a way to give that to her, even in small doses every once in a while.

He'd never known someone who he so enjoyed caring for, who he would sacrifice his own happiness and comfort just to know she was content. It wasn't like his actions went unrewarded, but even if they did, he would do it anyway. He never imagined he would be this lucky, not without the world rotating on its axis, pigs flying, hell freezing over, and all other proverbial impossibilities. The thought of it made him love her even more in that moment and he couldn't help tightening his grip on her and kissing her temple. She turned to him and smiled, understanding his thoughts in the embrace, giving him a slight wink to let him know that she was right on track with him. He didn't have to verbalize how much he loved her, or how he was proud of her for being a mother and working and being his partner in every aspect of life. She knew it, and it was something that she would never forget.


	54. Chapter 54

A/N: Before you get your hopes up, that case is not going to be solved. Because sometimes they aren't and you just have to go on with life. Because not everything is 9 p.m. on Fridays on CBS. As much as I want to live in that world.

* * *

"No, please don't!"

The desperate cry woke Adam fully from a deep sleep, which the thrashing beside him had already begun to strip away. He sat up and looked down at Lindsay, her distressed expression and her tense body a sure sign that she was having a nightmare. She hadn't had one in so long that he was almost at a loss as to what to do. Tears were coursing down her cheeks and he reached over her to turn on the lamp before gently pulling her into his arms.

"No," she whimpered, blindly reaching out for something she could only see in her dreams.

"Baby wake up," he said, brushing her hair back from her face. "It's just a dream. I'm right here."

"Please."

She shuddered out a sob and twisted around in his arms, whether escaping or chasing after something, he didn't know.

"Lindsay, wake up now," he coached, his voice more firm this time. "You're having a dream and you need to get out of it. I'm right here, sweetheart."

A final cry of defeat spilled from her lips and she opened her eyes, locking them with his in the moment before wrapping her arms tightly around him and crying into his chest. He was confused as to what had brought this on and why it had scared her so badly, and he racked his brain, trying to find the answer.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm right here love."

"You weren't."

"What?"

"You left me. And I was chasing you but you wouldn't stop. You just kept walking. You stopped loving me."

"Lindsay, it was just a dream."

"It didn't feel like a dream. It felt like the worst thing in the world."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"I know. It's my dream self that's crazy."

"Because deep down you're still afraid."

"Not that you'll leave me. I know you won't as well as I know anything. I think I'm just scared of losing it all. If something happens to you or Colton… I can't even think about it."

"Then don't."

She let out a shaky sigh and let herself lean back against him, reveling in the strength of his arms around her, one hand lightly caressing her skin and chasing away whatever was left of her nightmare.

"I've got to stop watching _Gone With The Wind_," she said finally.

"Yeah, you've only seen it about seven hundred times."

She smiled a little as his lips pressed against her pulse, finding it a little fast.

"You want to go for a drive?" he asked. "We'll bundle Colton up and turn on the radio and I'll hold your hand."

"Yes please."

He held her for a moment more before they both climbed out of bed in search of warmer clothes. Jeans and sweatshirts were thrown on quickly, along with socks and shoes, and hands raked through hair even though no one else would likely see them.

"Hey Adam?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Thanks."

"Infinity," he replied. She nodded, understanding his shorthand for the fact that he would always be there, no matter what time of day, or what the problem was.

* * *

They drove far out of the city, Colton sleeping peacefully, strapped into his carseat. They had music on quietly, and as promised, he held her hand on the middle console. She had her slipper-clad feet resting against the dashboard and her head leaned back against her seat, a position of total relaxation. Adam drove aimlessly through neighborhoods and over highways, no destination or goal in mind, save for making Lindsay forget completely about the dream. She was breathing slowly, almost as if she was sleeping, and he knew his solution was working.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Want to head home?"

"Not just yet if that's okay."

"It's okay. Feeling better?"

"Much."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Have you told me everything?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're scared of me leaving you, you're constantly making sure I'm happy. I don't know if it's because you don't trust me or if there's something about you that you never told me. But I can't help you if you're holding something back. And frankly, if you are… I don't know why it's been this long and you haven't told me."

She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath, looking out the window to keep her tears at bay. Very rarely did he ask her anything point blank, especially something that she didn't want to answer. She knew he would be patient while she gathered herself though, so she took a few minutes before answering.

"I've told you everything, but maybe I haven't gone into as much detail as I should have."

"Is this a pull the car over conversation?" he said, attempting a lighter mood.

"No, not really."

"Well what is it?"

"I told you about Brian," she started, stealing a glance at him. He just nodded. It had been a short conversation a long time ago, and Adam hadn't enjoyed one second of it. Brian was her first love, her first everything, and she had fallen hard and fast. Lindsay could understand Adam's hesitance to hear about it; she didn't much care for listening to stories about his exes either.

"Let me just preface this with the fact that I was young and stupid."

"You were twenty."

"Yes, young and stupid. Stupid enough to think that I was going to marry him."

"You really loved him."

"At the time. Now I know it wasn't really love," she explained, giving his hand a squeeze.

"But you broke up. How come?"

"He stopped loving me, Adam. Or maybe he never really did, I'm not sure. One day, no warning, he just broke up with me. I had no idea it was coming. We were happy, at least I thought we were. We were talking about the future. Making plans. And then he was gone. I got over him, believe me. But I don't think I ever really dealt with that abandonment. Just that crashing down from the happiest I had ever been. It hurt a lot. And maybe now when I get happy I'm wondering when I'm going to crash. I know you won't let me. I know that as well as I know that the sun is going to rise tomorrow."

"But the scar still flares up."

"It does."

"There isn't really anything I can do, is there?'

"I don't know, baby," she said with a sniffle. "You've already healed so much hurt. And I think that sometimes it has a negative effect on you."

"Linds."

"You spend a lot of time taking care of me. You always make sure I'm happy and safe. You tell me you love me more in one day than anyone else ever has in my life. You are always, always there, no matter what. But I worry that we're losing you in the shuffle. And I don't want that to happen."

"Honey, all those things I do for you, you do for me too. We just need them in different ways. You need me to listen to you and tell you how much I love you. I just need you there laying beside me every night, kissing me every morning."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Home?"

"Yes."

The sun rose as they headed home towards it, chasing that light together, as always.


	55. Chapter 55

"Who is my handsome?" Lindsay asked playfully, lifting Colton off of the changing table and holding him upright. He gave her a big grin and clapped his hands together before crashing against her with a laugh.

"Shh, daddy's sleeping," she said, taking him out of his bedroom quietly and heading into the living room. "He had a long night at work."

"Ba?"

"You're exactly right. Can you play with your toys while I get the dishes done?"

He crawled over to his toy basket and pulled a car out, driving it across a sleeping cat and smiling.

"I suppose so," Lindsay chuckled, keeping her ear out for him as she headed into the kitchen. The sink was piled with dishes and she sighed, blowing her hair off of her forehead before turning the water on so she could rinse them before putting them in the dishwasher. Adam had been on graves for two weeks now, and he slept most afternoons and evenings, leaving her and Colton to their own devices. She missed him like crazy, but at least she got him for a few hours every morning when he finished his shift. Life was going in a thousand different directions and she grabbed every spare second that she could to just take a breath.

Colton was already nearing six months old and she couldn't believe how fast the time had gone. He was sitting up already, and while slow, he could crawl across the room. He'd started trying to talk, but hadn't connected words to objects yet. It was coming soon and she couldn't wait for the first "mama" to escape his lips. He could pull himself up on the coffee table, and if there was music on, he would wiggle to it, grinning with pride the whole time. Every day there was something new, so while she did want to slow time down, she also couldn't wait to see what was next.

Humming, she opened the dishwasher and loaded it, wondering how they had acquired so many dirty dishes in the span of one day.

"Mmmba!"

She turned around at the voice and chuckled as Colton tried to crawl to her and carry a toy at the same time.

"I thought you were going to play in the other room for a bit," she said, picking him up and nuzzling his cheek. He chewed on his finger and sighed, offering her the plastic rattle. "Hey thanks buddy. I've always wanted one of these."

She settled him in his high chair and dropped a handful of Cheerios on the tray. He looked at them and then up at her before grabbing a piece of the cereal and slowly bringing it to his mouth.

"What do you think about taking some of this dinner over to Aunt Austin and Uncle Danny? Think they might like that?"

He spit the Cheerio out, then grinned and picked it up again.

"I'm not sure what that means, but maybe I should call her and see if they want it."

She grabbed her cell phone and dialed Austin's number, hoping she didn't catch her friend in the middle of a nap.

"Hello?"

"Hey. What are you up to?"

"About eight diapers in the last three hours. You?"

"Well, I made way too much food, and I thought that maybe you guys might want some free dinner?"

"Yes please. You can bring it over and hold the baby so I can have five minutes to shower."

"How's she doing?"

"She's fine, I'm still freaking out, but not much seems to phase her, so I figure if I screw up…"

"She'll never know. We'll be over in a little while."

"Thanks."

They hung up and Lindsay moved to the stove to fill a plastic container with the spaghetti she had made. Stella had brought them dinner a few times after Colton was born, and she was surprised how much it had made a difference. She'd been so tired in those days, bound by the next feeding and length of a nap rather than time, that occasionally she forgot to eat herself. Of all the things she could do for her friend, this was quite possibly one of the best.

She found a sturdy grocery sack and put the dinner inside, then tiptoed into the bedroom to tell Adam where they were going. She hated to wake him up, but he would never find a note, no matter where she left it, so she didn't really have much choice.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm going to run over to Austin's for a bit."

"Okay."

She leaned down and kissed him, smirking because he was already asleep again, then left the room.

"Alright bud, let's see if I can get you and the food out of here in one trip."

Colton grinned as she lifted him out of the high chair and grabbed her keys, the diaper bag and the food.

"I think we're doing okay here," she said, slipping out the door and praying for the best.

* * *

She knocked gently on Austin's door and adjusted Colton on her hip, glad she had decided to leave the diaper bag in the car.

"Hey," Austin greeted in a whisper, a bundle of pink blankets in her arms.

"Hi. You look… um…"

"I think I could sleep for a month," Austin finished, stepping aside to let her in. Lindsay put the food on the counter.

"Hey Miss Isabeth, are you keeping your mommy awake at night?" Lindsay asked, peering down into the blankets at the little face that she had come to love so much in just the last week.

"She's got her nights and days mixed up, so that's fun," Austin said with a grin. "We get a lot of face time at three in the morning."

"I'll bet."

They made their way over to the couch and sat down, Colton crawling out of Lindsay's arms and over to Austin. She grinned and dropped a kiss to his head.

"I think he's lookin' to trade," she chuckled, carefully transferring her daughter over to Lindsay.

"You are way cooler than I am, after all," Lindsay agreed, taking Isa and cuddling her close. "And you my dear are quite possibly the most precious little girl I have ever seen in my life."

"I'm pretty darn smitten too," Austin agreed, reaching over to touch Isa's hand. "As tired as I am, I wouldn't trade it for anything."

"How's Danny doing?"

"He's hilarious. He's always afraid he's going to break her, but he won't say it, I can just tell by the way he holds her. The first time she looked him in the eye, I thought I was going to have to put him on life support."

"What a softie."

"He refuses to do diapers, but he's doing a huge chunk of everything else, so I don't mind much yet."

"And how has it been getting used to all the pink?"

"It's a slow process. Is this a tooth I see in your son's mouth?"

"Yeah, he popped it through last night."

"Did he scream?"

"Not much. I could tell he wasn't happy with the situation though."

"Look at us sitting here talking about our babies."

"We're growing up."

"Remember when we didn't want to?"

"Yeah. How naïve we were."

"Wasn't that just like two years ago?"

"Geez."

"I know."

"Hey, where's Danny?"

"He went to the store. We were running low on just about everything, and I think he needed to get out of here for a while without feeling guilty about it."

"And now we come to you…"

"Besides the being tired, I'm doing okay. Way better than I thought I would. There are times when I still wonder what on God's green earth I'm doing, but then it's like you said. The instincts kick in and I'm okay. And at this point, if I wasn't I'd be beating down your door because you lied to me."

"I believe it with all my heart."

Colton babbled loudly, frustrated at being left out of the conversation. Austin chuckled and wrapped him in a bear hug, kissing his cheek.

"I've kinda missed you little dude."

He smiled and rested against her shoulder, then reached out for Lindsay.

"Wa."

"No, mama."

"Wa," he repeated, as if that is what he had been saying all along.

"It was worth a shot."

"Colton, say Go Yankees."

He growled with the effort, then giggled and nuzzled into her with a sigh, putting his finger into his mouth again.

"Is it your bedtime, buddy?"

"Yeah, he's getting close. We should probably go."

"Do you have to?"

"We don't have to, but he's going to get cranky in a while."

"Alright. Give me my kid back and I'll give you yours."

"Okay. Bye-bye sweet Isa. I'll see you later."

She dropped a kiss onto the baby's downy hair before handing her over. Colton scooted himself back to her and opened his arms before falling into her lap with a giggle.

"You are so tired," she chuckled, running her hand through his curls. "Maybe you can lay down with daddy when we get home."

"Ba," he replied as she stood up from the couch.

"Call me if you need anything, okay Aust?"

"I will. Thanks for bringing dinner."

"Anytime. See you later."

* * *

Adam was just waking up when they got home, stretching and rubbing his eyes as if it was morning and not eight o'clock at night. Colton squawked and clapped his hands excitedly until Lindsay put him down on the bed.

"Hey monster," Adam greeted. "What's crackin'?"

"Ba!"

"You and mommy won a million dollars? Yay we never have to go to work again!"

Colton gave them a huge belly laugh while Adam held him up high and made airplane noises. Lindsay chuckled and laid down with them.

"How's Austin doing?"

"She's good. I'd never tell her this, but she really looks like a mom."

"And how's the baby?"

"Just like she was in the hospital. Tiny and perfect."

He grinned and glanced over at her.

"You're not getting baby fever are you?"

"I got a baby."

"Not a newborn baby."

"What are you saying Adam?"

"Nothin'."

"You dropped your G. Seriously honey."

"Do you want another one?"

"Well not right now, but eventually, yes."

"How many?"

"How ever many we have."

He grinned and leaned in to kiss her.

"Well why don't we put the one we've got to bed and then I'll go to work."

"Sounds like a plan."

He stood up from the bed and took Colton into the other room, and for just a moment, she let the future flash before her. It was beautiful.


	56. Chapter 56

A/N: Man they've been doing a lot of comforting each other lately. Between nightmares and cases and old demons, they really can't catch a break. I promise to give them one soon. For real. Oh and hi, how is this chapter 56 already? Insert gibberish here.

* * *

"Okay little man, it's time for you to go night-night," Adam said, tucking Colton into his crib. It was a little early to put him to bed, but he was looking pretty tired, and Adam had a special night planned anyway. Colton grimaced and swiped his fist across his nose, then grabbed the arm of his stuffed Wookie and settled down into sleep. Adam left the room quietly, making sure the door was only open a crack before he went into the kitchen.

The rice was almost done and the water for the chicken was boiling rapidly while the broccoli stood in wait to be steamed. He was attempting a dinner from a recipe, and he wasn't sure how it was going to go. And he was worried because he had cut the recipe down from eight servings to two, and in his haste he may not have done his math right.

He put the chicken in the pot to boil, then started the next load of laundry and set the table. Lindsay was going to be home soon, and he wanted everything to be perfect as soon as she stepped in the door. He scurried around the kitchen, finishing up the dinner and sticking it in the oven, then wiping down the counters to erase all evidence of how big his mess had gotten.

"Hey, I'm home," Lindsay greeted, stepping through the door.

"You're early."

"You're mad?"

"No, I just expected you in like," he checked his watch. "Fifteen more minutes. Guess you're not that early. Time got away from me."

"What do you have goin' on in here?"

"I made you dinner. It won't be ready for a while though."

"Well then," she said, sliding her arms around his neck. "Guess that gives me time to change and wonder what in the world possessed you to put candles on the table."

"Don't tell me you forgot our anniversary."

"It's not our anniversary."  
"Is too. Three years ago this week, we started dating. Two years ago today I asked you to marry me."

"That was today?"

"Yeah. You don't remember?"

"I remember that very vividly, I just didn't realize that was today."

"So if I forget our real anniversary?"

"You get one freebie. I'm gonna go change."

She gave him a quick peck and went into the bedroom, changing into more comfortable clothes before peeking in on Colton. He was breathing heavily in sleep, nearly snoring. She smiled and suppressed the urge to reach out and stroke his rosy cheek, as it would most likely wake him up. Instead she slipped from the room and joined Adam in the kitchen.

"So how was work?"

"Remember that case a while ago? The old lady in her closet?"

"Yeah. Did you guys get a suspect?"

"No. It's been officially put on the back burner."

"I'm sorry, honey."

"It's okay. Sometimes once we take our eyes off something it becomes more clear. What did you guys do today?"

"We went to the store to find something for my mom's birthday, took a short walk in the park, cleaned up the mess of toys in the other room, played Flack over xBox. Did you know his gamer tag is FlackDonFlack?"

"How suave. What were you playing?"

"Call of Duty. I won."

"Successful. You put a coat and hat on Colton when you went out, right?"

"Yes, I did."

"Sorry. You know how neurotic I am about that."

"I do know. And you're neurotic for reason, so it's not really a neurosis as it is a parental concern."

"Some might say they're the same thing."

"You should only care what I think."

She grinned as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her soundly.

"I do only care what you think but I sometimes worry about your barometer for insanity."

"And just what does that mean?"

"I'm just sayin', between you and me, there's a lot of weirdness going on."

"Heaven help our offspring."

"I pray that prayer every night. So what did you make?"

"Curry chicken. I'm not sure how good it will be, but in light of this evening, I am going to call it an adventure."

"My favorite kind of life."

* * *

Two hours later they were cuddled up on the couch watching an old Alfred Hitchcock movie and riffing on it because quite frankly, it was one of their favorite pastimes. She dropped her head to his shoulder and sighed, lacing their fingers together.

"I could never do this with anyone else," she whispered softly.

"Me neither. At least not anyone who would still respect me in the morning."

She chuckled and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch.

"Can we move a little bit?"

"You gettin' tired?"

"It's been a long day."

"You want to turn this off and go to bed?"

She smiled and was just about to answer him when they heard a pathetic cry from the bedroom.

"Sounds like someone else is vying for my affections."

"You want me to get him?"

"No, I've barely seen him today. I'll get him."

She stood up and stretched then walked slowly into the bedroom, kind of hoping he would settle back to sleep on his own.

"Hey little boy," she greeted, leaning down to pick him up. His cries didn't let up like they normally did when she held him, and she kissed his cheek gently, finding it pretty warm. She pressed her hand to his forehead, startled at how warm he was. A handful of panic swept through her as she made her way to the chest of drawers and opened the first one, finding the thermometer. Carefully, she placed it in his ear and pressed the button, taking a deep breath before looking at the read out.

"Adam?"

"What's the matter?"

"We've got a fever."

"How high?" he asked, peeking in the doorway.

"Hospital high," she replied, handing him the thermometer.

"Okay," he said, taking a breath. "What did the doctor tell us to do if he got a fever?"

"Um, fluids for half an hour and check his temperature again. His mouth is kind of dry," she said over Colton's cries. "Can you check and see if his ears are red?"

"They look a little pink, but not infected. Do you want me to call the doctor?"

"It might make me feel better."

"I'll be right back."

He left the room and Lindsay sat down in the chair, not sure exactly how to comfort her son. He was still crying, high pitched but not loud, and she leaned down to listen to his chest. There wasn't the crackling that she expected, but his breathing was a lot faster than normal.

"Poor baby. What's the matter? Did you catch a cold?"

He whimpered and squirmed in her arms, discontent with the way he was laying or how he was feeling or something. She sat him up and he snorted a few times before resuming the crying.

All sorts of things flew through her head- pneumonia, RSV, allergies, the flu. None of them made her feel any better, no matter how common they were. The fact of the matter was that he was a preemie, and every illness was exacerbated by that. Her heart pounded in fear and she could feel her hands start to shake.

"Hey Linds, I think we should take him to the hospital."

"Are you sure?"

"Just to be on the safe side."

Colton's body tensed once again than lurched forward as he threw up. It wasn't much, but enough that it couldn't be written off as spit up, and they both looked at each other in shock.

"Alright, we should go. You want to change his clothes and I'll clean this up?"

"Yeah."

They worked quickly and as best they could, then bundled him up and put him in the car seat.

"I'm freaking out," she admitted, sliding into her jacket.

"You're not the only one."

"We've never freaked out at the same time before."

He drew her into his arms and kissed her forehead, holding her tightly until her shaking lessened.

"It's going to be okay, sweetie."

"I know."

"Let's get out of here. We'll be home soon."

* * *

"He's pretty dehydrated," the doctor said with a sigh. "I'm going to have the nurse start a line."

"You mean an IV?" Adam asked, his own skin actually aching in sympathy.

"Yes. I know it's not ideal, but we need to get fluids into him quickly. A bottle isn't going to help much, given that he's vomited twice in the last hour. It will be fast, he won't be uncomfortable for long. I'll send the nurse in."

He left the room and Adam looked down at Lindsay who was sitting in the rocking chair next to Colton's bed. She was biting her lip and brushing Colton's curls back from his forehead repeatedly, to the point that they almost stood up.

"Honey?"

"I don't want him to hurt," she whispered.

"I don't either sweetheart, but we need to get him better."

"I know."

Adam crouched down next to her and crooked his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"It'll be over soon. He won't remember. And then he'll be better."

"I know."

"I hear there's a sick little boy in this room," the nurse said as she entered. "Mom and dad, are you ready for this?"

"Yeah, we're okay."

Colton screamed as soon as the nurse touched him, as if he knew what was coming. The cry was so loud and shrill that Lindsay could feel it in her chest, and she wanted to grab him and run.

"Mom could you hold him for me? We're going to put this IV in his foot."

Lindsay nodded and turned her face away. Colton twisted in her arms, his breathing becoming desperate.

"Mama!" he wailed, arching his back in fear. Tears sprung to her eyes; it was the first time he had said her name, but it happened in such a horrible moment that she didn't know what to do.

"Okay, all done. I'm going to find him a cold compress and I'll be right back."

"Mama. Mama. Mama," Colton whimpered, trying the word out on his tongue and asking desperately for comfort.

"I know baby. I know. It's all done. It's okay."

His breathing slowed at her voice and he buried himself against her, death gripping her shirt. She lifted him from the bed and sat down in the chair, rocking him gently until he calmed completely. She couldn't deny the little thrill she felt, knowing he wanted her and her only to make him better, that she was his safety. He hurt and cried for her. No one else. Just her.

"Babe, are you okay?" Adam asked, squeezing her shoulder. She looked up at him and nodded, finding a sea of calm in his eyes. "I'm going to go ahead and call Mac so he knows what's going on. Want me to call anyone else?"

"No, not for now. He's fine."

"I'll be right back."

Lindsay rocked the chair slowly and closed her eyes, wishing this whole evening away. She knew that getting sick could sometimes be a good thing, as it strengthened the immune system and made it practice fighting off infections later. But she hated to see him miserable like this.

They rocked quietly for several minutes, holding hands and watching each other. Colton sighed and closed his eyes, and Lindsay let hers close as well, still awake, but resting. She wasn't sure how long they sat there, but all too soon she felt a hand on her forehead.

"Hey sweetie."

"Hey."

"You wanna let me have him for a while? Get up and stretch your legs?"

"Yeah."

They made the switch relatively easily and she rubbed her eyes and yawned.

"Did you talk to the doctor?"

"Yeah. He wants to keep him for the rest of the night just to keep an eye on him. They have cots so at least one of us can stay."

"I don't want to leave him."

"Okay. You can stay and I'll go."

"Do you have to?"

"I don't think so. They'll probably let us both stay."

"Okay. I'm going to walk for a few minutes and I'll be back."

She left the room quietly and wandered the halls, not really seeing much, just getting her breath back. She took the stairs slowly, her feet making very little noise on the tile floor. She found herself in the emergency room, the same place she had been just over two years ago, worried sick about someone she loved, not sure what tomorrow was going to hold. She leaned back against that same wall, closing her eyes and wishing this would be the last visit to this place. Hospitals with their specific smells and sounds reminded her of the diner; sitting in the hospital in shock. It reminded her of her very first case in Bozeman, a child beaten within an inch of his life by parents who refused to flip on each other. It reminded her of that too hot July night when her grandfather had clutched his chest and fallen down on the front porch, an event which had changed his personality greatly. And it reminded her of Adam, beaten up and broken, laying in that bed, eating Jell-o as if nothing was really wrong, as if her heart wasn't nearly shredding in her chest.

She wanted to cry and she needed to cry, but she couldn't really do it right now. She had to tuck it away and wait until she was alone or at least not in public. If she let go a little, she might let go all the way, and as easy as that was to do in front of Adam, she wasn't ready to let anyone else see her like that.

She made her way back up to pediatrics and opened the door to find Adam and Colton both asleep in the rocking chair. She smiled and reached over to dim the light, then reached down and gently picked Colton up, making sure she was careful of his IV tubing. He grunted and she bounced him a little so he wouldn't wake up, then laid down on the hospital bed. She kissed his forehead to check his temperature, finding it a little lower than it had been. Satisfied that he was going to be fine, she took one last look at him and closed her eyes.

* * *

They were released the next afternoon, tired both physically and emotionally, cranky, and in need of showers. They had each slept a grand total of fifteen minutes off and on through the night, as the sounds of the hospital and the comings and goings of the nurses kept waking them up. Colton was better though, his eyes brighter and his smile permanent, and that was worth one bad night in the hospital.

They arrived home and put him straight to bed, not so much because he was tired but that they were. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and was out for the count.

"You know what sounds good?" Adam asked as Lindsay turned up the baby monitor to the highest sensitivity. They'd practically be able to hear his mind working.

"Hmm?"

"A real mattress. With blankets that don't itch. And more than three feet to move around on."

"I'm so in."

They didn't bother changing clothes, just shed their coats and shoes and crashed onto the bed. He wrapped his arm around her waist and she rolled over to snuggle into his side.

"You okay sweetie?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"Are you sure?" he asked, tipping her chin up. Tears flooded her eyes and she sighed, feeling the weight of the last day press down on her.

"I just need some sleep and I'll be alright."

"It's not wrong to feel it, you know," he prompted, running his fingers through her hair and gently releasing the tangles.

"I'm not trying not to. I just feel like I cry all the time for some reason or another and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that blubbering woman who is sent into a fit every three days."

"Lindsay."

That was all it took for her breath to hitch in her throat and the tears to spill over. He let her cry softly for a few minutes, shedding a tear or two of his own before he spoke again.

"We're all okay. We're just fine."

She nodded and breathed deeply, grateful that he took her as she was, no matter if that changed every day or not.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Go to sleep."

She leaned up to kiss him, then settled back into sleep, glad they were all happy, healthy and home.


	57. Chapter 57

"Mama!"

Lindsay's eyes cracked open slowly to find Colton sitting on her chest, grinning and drooling. His hair was sticking up and his cheeks were pink from sleep and she grinned at how much he looked like Adam.

"Good morning little man. What's going on?"

He hiccupped and climbed off of her, tumbling onto the mattress, then sliding under the covers.

"He's preparing for his future career as a tunnel digger," Adam said as he came into the room with a tray of food.

"What are you doin'?" she asked warily.

"Happy mothers day."

She smiled as he sat down next to her and put the tray between them.

"Today we're going to do whatever you want."

"I thought you had to work."

"I fibbed."

"Thanks for fibbing," she said, leaning over to kiss him. He brushed his fingers through her hair and they smiled at each other for a moment.

"Thanks for being such a good mama."

"Thanks for being such a good daddy."

"You say that with such confidence, but I must inform you that our son is currently under the covers using my toe as a teething ring."

Lindsay giggled and lifted the comforter up, peeking underneath.

"Colton, what are you doing you goof?"

He babbled and scooted himself back up the bed, popping his head up as if it was the most amusing thing in the world.

"Mama?"

"What baby?"

He smiled and looked at the food, his mouth dropping open slightly before he gave her the puppy dog eyes.

"Oh no little man," Adam said. "You're not eating off mama's plate. You know it's bottles and strained squash for you."

"You give him real food when you think I'm not looking."

"He likes mashed potatoes."

"He's going to be off baby food soon, I know it. Cheerios are like the gateway food."

"Maybe we should let him try some pancakes."

"Okay," she said, cutting a small bite. "But no syrup."

Colton held his mouth open and took the tiny chunk of pancake, smiling as he worked it over in his mouth.

"Is daddy a good cook?"

"Ba!"

"His enthusiasm shocks me."

"So what do you want to do today?" Adam asked, stealing a strawberry off the top of her pancakes.

"Oh I don't know. Get out of the house… that's good enough for me. At some point though, I am going to want to steal my strawberry back."

"Good luck with that. Eat."

"What are you going to do?"

"I am going to give you the phone so you can call your own mom, and then I am going to go into the kitchen and clean up my mess so you don't have to look at it, and then I'm going to run you a nice warm bath complete with bubbles and stuff that smells good."

"You're perfect."

"Only because you make me better," he said, standing up from the bed and tossing her the phone. "C'mon son, let's let mama relax."

* * *

The warm water and bubbles sloshed gently around her and she sighed, tipping her head back to rest against the cool tiles. She needed this way more than she thought she had and she was grateful to Adam for seeing that. She wiggled her toes through the water and closed her eyes, getting rid of all the thoughts of things she needed to get done and instead letting little moments flash in her head. No particular order, no relation, just things that made her more calm.

She thought of the very first time Adam had ended up at her apartment after work, to settle a dispute about and episode of X-Files. The night had ended with both of them lounging on the floor, staring up at the ceiling and laughing for no particular reason.

She thought about her tenth birthday, a slumber party with all of her friends, eating junk food until all hours, giggling over boys and cheesy ghost stories.

She thought about the last night of finals in college, hitting a honky tonk and line dancing the night away, peanut shells crunching under her boots, not a drop of alcohol in her because she felt free enough on her own.

"Did you fall asleep in there?" Adam hollered after knocking on the door.

"No. My water's still warm even. Why are you checking on me?"

"Can I come in?"

"What for?"

"Cuz you're in there."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Oh alright."

The door creaked as it opened and he stepped in quietly and walked over to perch on the side of the tub.

"So I was thinking…"

"Yes?"

"Once the kid wakes up from his impromptu morning nap, it's warm enough outside that we could probably go on a picnic."

"That sounds good."

He smiled and ran his hand over her damp hair, watching as her eyes closed.

"You're beautiful," he said, tracing his finger softly over her face. She gave a gentle sigh and reached up to circle her hand around the back of his neck and pull him down towards her. His hands slid against the wet porcelain and before he knew it he had splooshed right down into the tub with her. A huge laugh escaped her and she almost fell underwater from the force of it.

"Babe, how did you… I can't… you always manage to be the most clumsy when you're in the bathroom."

"You pulled me!"

"I didn't mean to pull you but… I'm sorry, I'm not laughing at you."

"Do you know how uncomfortable wet jeans are?"

"I'm not takin' the bait on that one. And now I think you did this on purpose."

"Right, like I'm as calculating as you are."

Her eyebrow quirked up mischievously and she smiled, tugging on his shirt.

"Well I guess that since you're already here it doesn't matter whose fault it is."

"You did plan that!"

"Are you complaining?"

"No."

"Then come here."

She pulled him roughly against her, not caring that she had probably just bruised both of their lips in her haste. His arms slid around her and it took them a few adjustments before they were comfortable, despite Adam's wet clothing. Their kisses were quiet and slow, and they took their time to just rest against each other. His fingers trailed up her arm, tangling in her hair to keep the connection as he gently pulled away.

"I love you Lindsay," he whispered, dropping his forehead to hers and nuzzling her nose with his.

"I love you too. More than you know."

* * *

"Colton, don't stick that pinecone in your mouth," Lindsay admonished as Colton looked the pinecone over, perfectly entranced by his new discovery. He grinned and held it out to her as an offering and she took it as if it was the best thing she had ever been given.

"Oh, it's beautiful. Thanks buddy."

He smiled and climbed into her lap.

"Mama?" he asked, holding up his palm to her.

"You got grass on your hand?"

He grunted and she picked the grass off then kissed his hand gently.

"Better?"

He crawled out of her lap and headed off the blanket spying a patch of clover sticking out of the grass. He spent a few minutes picking at the small flowers before he finally got one and laughed in victory.

"Man, his eyes are getting dark," Adam commented, propping himself up on his elbow and reaching up to rub Lindsay's shoulders.

"Yeah."

"Told you they'd go brown."

"You're very smart," she agreed, leaning back against him.

"I wasn't smart, I was just hoping he'd have your eyes."

"Why?" she asked, slightly bemused.

"Because they're beautiful," he said, sitting up. "Because they're that perfect warm caramel color with flecks of gold in them. Because when I look in your eyes Lindsay, I'm home."

She could do nothing but stare at him, her breath once again taken away by the simple truth pouring from his lips. He showered her with lovely words more often than not, but to grab her attention and her heart away so deliberately was a rarer occurrence.

"That was much too sappy for a public place," she said finally. He chuckled and planted a kiss on her temple, knowing she had taken the words deeply to heart, even if she didn't show it at the moment.

"Once we get home, I'll show you how sappy I can be."

"You've got something on your mind today," she teased.

"Ever since I woke up this morning… and you were drooling on me."

She chuckled and hit his chest playfully, causing him to dramatically fall back to the ground, clutching his heart. Grinning, she placed an arm on either side of him and leaned down to kiss him. He stopped her partway, a gentle hand to her shoulder before reaching up to tuck just one strand of hair behind her ear. The way the sun hit her, the look in her eyes and the smile on her face and she quickly took his breath away.

"You're killin' me," he said with a lopsided grin.

"No babe, don't die!" she laughed, leaning down to kiss him and rest against his chest.

"Hey, our kid's escaping."

She looked over and chuckled at Colton's retreating back as he crawled across the grass to a tree.

"Colton Matthew, get back here."

He gave her a look over his shoulder, chuckled and kept moving.

"Better go get him mama."

She sighed and stood up, walking across the grass to grab Colton.

"What are you doin' little man? Are you out to conquer the world? Are you pulling a Willie Nelson and hittin' the road?"

"Ba, ba, ba!" he answered, clapping his hands.

She smiled and walked back over to the blanket, gently depositing him on Adam's chest.

"How's our intrepid traveler?"

"Well you know, it was a long flight to Portugal, but once he hit terra firma all was good."

"Did he hop over to Spain to run with the bulls?"

"Yes he did, much to the chagrin of his mother. But then he moved on to Switzerland to get me some chocolate and the whole running with the bulls incident was forgotten."

"Well I for one am glad everything is back to normal," he said as she laid down next to him.

"Me too."

Colton chewed on his hand as he watched them banter back and forth. He watched them a lot, probably wondering how he had gotten dropped into such a strange family. Adam claimed that he rolled his eyes at them occasionally, but Lindsay insisted they were entertaining.

"So what do you think mama?"

"'Bout what?"

"The rest of the day is yours."

"Just say that about ten or fifteen more times and I'll be good."

"Naw, come on. Anything you want."

"Adam, this right here is all I want. I promise."

"What if I offered you a foot rub later?"

"That would rock my world."

"Happy Mother's Day honey."


	58. Chapter 58

A/N: The first time I really listened to this song (this morning ahem) I immediately heard Lindsay sing it to Colton. And someday if I ever have kids (and a voice transplant of course) I am so singing it to my kids. I love it.

* * *

The slowly dripping rain matched the melancholy mood of the day and Lindsay sighed, resting her chin on her arms as she watched Colton play. He looked so happy, stacking blocks, driving plastic cars over the floor, totally unaware of the horrors of the world and all the bad things that could happen. His world consisted of mama and daddy and food and toys. That was all he needed and all he knew. To some degree it made her so happy to see him grow up that way, to know that right now he was totally protected and innocent, and if she gave him enough of this, he could get through whatever happened in the future. But at the same time, it hurt her heart to know that he would have those bad times to go through. She knew it was all part of living, that the rough patches and even tragedies made a stronger person, so in that instance she desired for him to have struggles. She didn't want to think though, that he might have something horrible happen to him, that he would be an adult with the pain of death or betrayal or fear in his past. As much as she could teach him how to cope, she couldn't completely prepare him for the future.

He tossed a small Nerf ball at her and it rolled across the floor. She didn't notice or pick it up like he wanted her to, so he crawled over and patted her hand.

"Mama?"

"I'm sorry buddy, I'm distracted today."

He cocked his head to the side in question, then reached over and grabbed his shape sorter bucket.

"Guh, mama."

She sat up and took the lid off the bucket and poured the plastic shapes out while he crawled into her lap. He picked up the blocks one at a time and spent several moments figuring out where to put them. Adam swore he was a genius because he could actually do it on his own at such a young age. Lindsay wasn't so sure genius was the right word, but she was pretty certain he had a great ability for problem solving.

She ran her fingers through his hair as he worked, chuckling at the few new curls she found. More like his father every day.

"Dada?"

"Daddy's at work sweetie."

He sighed and looked around the room as if expecting Adam to appear out of thin air.

"I miss him too," she said softly, leaning back against the couch. "He'll be home tonight though."

"Dada," he repeated, pointing to the picture on the side table. She smiled and grabbed the frame, bringing it down so he could see it better.

"Yeah, that's daddy and mama. We were younger back then. I think we actually got a full night's sleep on a regular basis. Of course we like you more than sleep, so it's okay."

Colton nodded as if he understood, then patted the picture gently.

"Must be about time for your nap. Wanna lay down with me? Yeah, I thought so."

She picked him up and made her way into the bedroom while he curled himself around her. She laid down and pulled the blankets up over them, rubbing his back while he settled down. He lifted his head a little and reached up to touch her mouth. She smiled and kissed his hand, then cleared her throat so she could sing to him like he was silently requesting.

"The flower said I wish I was a tree, the tree said I wish I could be a different kind of tree, the cat wished that it was a bee. The turtle wished that it could fly, really high into the sky, over rooftops and then dive deep into the sea. And in the sea there is a fish, a fish that has a secret wish, a wish to be a big cactus with a pink flower on it."

She looked down at him and found him sleeping peacefully, a small smile on his lips. One little hand rested on her collarbone while the other reached up and tangled in her hair. Sighing with a peaceful delight she dropped a kiss to his head and watched him as he slept. He was the greatest gift, the greatest blessing, the most perfect thing in her life, and he was all hers. It scared her to death, the thought of how much of his life she held in her hands, how much of his self-esteem came from her words, how each action she took could change him forever. She wanted to do everything right; his innocence demanded it. She hoped that one day when he was old and busy and had his own life, he would still call her mama, still look at her as if she was his world, even for just a second.

The phone rang and he stirred slightly against her making a grumpy noise.

"Shh, go back to sleep," she whispered, searching for her cell phone on the side table. She finally found it amidst the box of tissues, the empty glass, the remote, and two pacifiers.

"Hello?"

"Hey stranger."

"Hey Aust. What's up?"

"Isa misses her Aunt Lindsay something terrible."

"Oh she does?"

"And I miss you too so I thought maybe lunch if you're free."

"I just so happen to be. What time?"

"Maybe an hour or so? That café with the cucumber water?"

"That sounds really good. I need to go to that store down the street from there and return a pair of Adam's pants because they apparently make his butt look terrible."

"What butt?"

"That's what I said. I'll meet you in an hour."

* * *

"Okay, you have to tell me what you're feeding this kid," Austin said, kissing Colton's cheeks. "It's been less than two weeks since I saw him last and he's huge."

"Isa looks a ton bigger too," Lindsay noted, reaching down to run her fingers over the baby's plump cheek. "Fatter at least."

"She was so ridiculously skinny I was afraid she wanted to be one of the Olson twins."

"Even this young she has better aspirations than they do."

"I hope so."

"She looks just like you. It's kind of scary."

"Really? I think she looks like Danny."

"Nah, she looks like she's working on some sass even in her sleep."

Austin chuckled and shook her head, wondering how much of her youthful escapades were going to come back to haunt her.

"So how are you doing?" she asked, half pointedly. She knew it was the anniversary of what happened in the diner, and asking Lindsay to have lunch wasn't just about them not seeing each other for a while. It was her way of offering support when she wasn't really sure what she should do. It was enough though, and just what Lindsay needed to get through the day.

"I'm okay. Really tired lately, but I don't sleep much this time of year anyway."

Austin nodded, knowing that was the only talking they were going to do on the subject.

"Speaking of sleep, give me some hope and tell me that she's going to start sleeping for longer than two hours at a time."

"She will. It might be a while, but eventually she'll do it."

"How much is Colton sleeping at night?"

"I don't want to tell you lest you go insane worrying that she's going to be the same."

"Linds…"

"He sleeps from about ten until one, then he's asleep until sometime between three and four, and then he's up around six. His days are about the same right now, but he's trying to wean himself off the morning nap. I'm just glad he has a schedule."

"I am so glad you're doing all of this before me because I would be totally floundering if I was going it alone."

"No you wouldn't."

"You're biased."

"I'm smart. And I know you. You would be just fine."

"Okay, I believe you. You know what I was thinking about this morning?"

"Uh oh, what?"

"Just that it's kind of cool that our kids are going to grow up together. They'll always have each other, like me and Danny did, but hopefully without all the drama."

"Hopefully. Can you imagine what they're going to be like in a year? Or when they go to preschool? Or college?"

"Lindsay, do not talk to me about college. That's way far away."

"You say that now, but when she's packed her bags and kissed you goodbye you're going to look back at this day and wonder where the time went."

"Are you trying to make me cry?"

"Sorry."

"I might turn the tables on you and talk about Colton being a father."

"Okay, okay, I get your point. Geez," she said with a chuckle, handing Colton a small piece of the breadstick on her plate that he had been eying. He grinned and put it in his mouth then made a face and spit it out.

"Mama."

"Well you wanted to try it," she said, using the napkin to pick up the discarded bread. He wrinkled his nose and looked over at Austin hopefully.

"I don't have anything left on my plate dude."

He sighed and reached his hands out for Lindsay, jutting his lower lip out pathetically. She used a fresh napkin to wipe his hands off, then took him out of the highchair. He chuckled in delight and pounded on the table while Lindsay tried to still his hands.

"Dude, you're not your daddy. Have some manners."

"Dada!"

"Yeah, that's what I said."

He grinned and blew a raspberry at her and she sighed.

"And with that, I think it's time for us to head out."

"Yeah, I am thinking that a nap is in order and I'm not saying for Isa," Austin agreed, standing up from the table. They gathered their things and made their way outside where the rain had let up and the sun was out a little.

"Thanks for thinking of this today," Lindsay said, pulling her keys out of her pocket. "I really needed it."

"Thought you might. Let me know if you need it again."

"I will. See you later."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

"Hey Adam?" Lindsay asked softly, closing the bedroom door behind her. He looked up from the book he was reading, giving her a smile as she walked to his side of the bed.

"What's up?"

"I want to show you something," she said, holding an old Converse shoebox out to him.

"What is it?" he asked, setting the box on the bed and opening his arms to her. She sat down between his legs and leaned back against him, giving a soft sigh before she opened the box. It was stacked full of old pictures and papers and she ran her fingers over them before she took anything out.

"This is kindergarten," she said, showing him the first picture. "That's Kelly with the Lisa Frank everything. Amy and her huge glasses. Steph towering over all of us."

"And there's my little cutie in the overalls and pigtails."

"And the speech impediment, don't forget that."

"What's this picture?"

"Camping in the backyard," she answered, smiling at the image of all four girls piled into the tent, dirty faced and giggling. "We were eight. We were pretty much big balls of mosquito bites and sunburns by the end of that weekend."

"And it looks like Steph had a bruise on her face."

"Fishing accident. She was fighting this big fish and her line snapped and the pole came back and hit her in the face."

"You're almost laughing now just remembering it."

"It was the first time I heard her swear. We all just looked at each other. And my dad started cracking up so hard he almost fell off the dock."

"You four must have driven your parents insane."

"Basically. My parents most of all though. Well, more mom than dad. Dad thought we were hilarious and he would egg us on just to drive mom crazy."

"I'm going to do that to you someday."

"Looking forward to it."

"Can you tell me about them?"

"What?"

"Tell me who they were."

She smiled and he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Kelly was my best friend in the world. She had this quiet spirit, sitting back and taking things in. She never made a fast decision and she was kind of the mother of the group. She was the one I went to when everything was going wrong. I told her things that I never told anyone else. She was quiet, but she was the girl that all the guys wanted and all the teachers loved. She was memorable and beautiful and I always wanted to be just like her. She had so much going for her and we used to call her O'Kelly because it was like she had the luck of the Irish. She never had to promise anything because I knew once she said something that was the truth."

"You are like her."

"Thank you."

He planted a kiss on her head, a small encouragement to keep talking.

"Amy was really creative, always painting or sculpting or writing or something. She was never far from a pen and paper and she had this knack for suddenly having these epiphanies at the weirdest times. She'd be really quiet and suddenly say something really obvious and then be like "Guys, think about it." And it was almost one of those mind blowing moments where you had never thought about anything in that deep detail. She saw connections in places that no one else did. She saw beauty in the texture of weeds of all things. She was this constant surprise.

"And then there was Steph. She was one of those people that can just stop a room, you know? She didn't even try, she just captured everyone. And once she had them, they would just eat out of her hand. She could have everyone in stitches with her jokes. And she was always so optimistic. Nothing could get her down, she was always looking forward at what everything was going to come to instead of what happened before. I drew a lot on that afterwards."

She sighed and closed her eyes.

"I guess they all saved me in their own way. Kelly's straightforward way of looking at life, Amy's ability to cherish everything, the way Steph could smile no matter what the world threw at her. If I hadn't had them, I wouldn't have survived losing them."

He brushed her hair back as she sighed, then cleared her throat and moved on.

"This was the eighth grade dance. Please don't mock the outfits."

"You would have been the beautiful girl I admired from afar in middle school."

"That is the best compliment I have ever gotten."

"You haven't seen my middle school pictures."

She chuckled and pulled a stack of papers out of the box, notes that had been passed in class and left in lockers. She read him a few, giggling over the naïve flights of fancy they had engaged in and how happy they had seemed. She explained their inside jokes and told him stories about their classmates, drawing him into this part of her life that she could finally remember with joy.

"Hey, I recognize that," he said as she pulled a drawing from the bottom of the box. She smiled and his thumb ran over her hip where the simple drawing had been permanently inked into her skin years before. He'd never asked about it and she'd never told, but as his hand traced warmly over the design, it started to fall into place.

There was a white bird perched on a fence, turned slightly and watching as three other birds flew away. The three flying birds were all different colors, and he had never thought about the deeper meaning behind it before.

"The green one is for Kelly. Because she was always natural and growing and strong. Red is Amy for her heart and her creativity and passion. Yellow is for Steph because she was always bright and hopeful."

"And you're the white bird sitting here alone. Why white?"

"Because I didn't know what I was."

"You know babe, all those things you just told me about the girls, you have a little bit of all of that in you. And, scientifically speaking, white encompasses all colors. So maybe you picked the right color without even knowing it."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he assured, kissing her ear. She smiled and found his hand, squeezing it gently.

"Thank you for looking at this with me. I've never showed anyone else. I've never looked through it without crying."

"Thanks for showing me and telling me. Trusting me that much. I love you."

"I love you too."

He held her for a long time, keeping her safe and secure on the horrible anniversary of the night that she had felt the most vulnerable and terrified. She rested in him, letting a few tears go, but mostly smiling at the wonderful years she had had and the wonderful ones that were yet to come.


	59. Chapter 59

A/N: Legos and love brought to you by me but stolen from my brother who is the nice guy who gets dumped by a psycho and can still tell me about the state of his heart without sounding like a fruitcake.

* * *

Lindsay had chosen a spot in baggage claim that had a pretty good view of the arrivals hallway and despite being short, she was able to see everyone coming off of the planes. She'd been standing there for almost a half hour and was starting to get worried when she recognized the deep red hair, the happy eyes and the bright smile.

"Taylor!"

"Lindsay!"

They happily ran towards each other, hugging and crashing to the floor in an ungraceful, giggling mess of luggage.

"And we're down" Taylor giggled, shaking her hair out of her eyes. "How's your hip?"

"Shut up," Lindsay said, pulling herself off the ground.

"Oh my word, real air feels so good after a day of re-circulated."

"Just wait until you get outside. It's going to feel like breathing hot sludge."

"That's so lovely."

"Let's get your stuff and get out of here."

"Okay. Where are the boys?"

"I left them at home. Actually, we were all going to come and pick you up, but at the last minute Adam said he'd stay home so we could get all our squees and flails out."

"He actually said squees and flails?"

"He certainly did. I don't know what I'm going to do with him."

Taylor giggled and pulled her suitcase off of the luggage carousel.

"Geez kid, you moving in?"

"No, your family sent a bunch of stuff with me. Your mom was canning all last week."

"So your suitcase is going to look like December 31st 1999."

"Basically."

They made their way outside and into the car where Taylor buckled her seatbelt, then turned sideways in her chair, drawing her legs up underneath her as if she was sitting on a couch and not in a car.

"Okay, so," she started as Lindsay pulled the car out of the parking garage.

"So what?"

"I saw Thaddeus this morning."

"Interesting."

"On the way to the train station, your dad insisted that I needed a Danish, so we stopped at the bakery, and Thaddeus just got a job there so he was there."

"How'd that go?"

"Well at first your dad was like "Want to go wait in the car? Want me to give him a piece of my mind? Should I bring out my shot gun stare?" But then he settled down and it wasn't a big deal."

"My dad loves you."

"I know. So anyway, Thaddeus was kind of talking to me, asking where I was going and stuff, and I told him I was going to New York. And he just stood there and he finally goes "Forever?" Like really? What kind of a moron is he? Does he really think I could just up and move to New York? Like I have the money for that. So I told him I was just visiting you, and he started to say all this stuff about how he misses me and wants me back."

"What did you say?"

"I just took the Danish and left. I didn't know what to say. Especially since…"

"Since what?"

"I'm kind of seeing someone else."

"You hop-around," Lindsay accused good naturedly.

"I didn't mean to. I didn't want a relationship really. But I started those classes at the college and he goes there and we have a lot in common and he's really nice. I mean, he has a little bad boy streak in him, but more crazy than bad boy."

"Does bad boy have a name?"

"Jacob Mettler. You'd like him, Linds. He's really nice and super smart and he has good taste in music. And the bad boy crazyness is nothing worse than the things that you and your brothers used to do. And he's really polite. I mean, your mom and I were at the grocery store one day and he just walked right up and introduced himself and shook her hand like he'd grown up in England or something. And he's really supportive of studying abroad, even though he says he'll miss me. And it's different than with Thaddeus. He and I just kind of slipped into a relationship because we'd known each other forever. But Jacob, it's like he just liked me right away for who I was at that moment."

"Oh kid," Lindsay sighed. "You're not such a kid anymore."

"No, not really."

"You sound like you really like him."

"I really do. And even if I wasn't interested in him, he's still the kind of guy I would be friends with, you know? I can talk to him about anything and he's just… I've never had someone that supports me. I mean, I have you and your family, but I've never had someone that's my age, you know?"

"Yeah. You look so happy talking about him."

"I am. I really am."

"Then I'm happy too. Has he met dad?"

"Not yet, but your mom talked him up so well, I'm not worried."

"That's good."

Taylor nodded and looked out the window with a little sigh.

"You know, sometimes I wonder why I wasn't just dropped into your family to begin with. Your parents always tell me they love me. Your mom is just… well, you know how she is. And your dad always tells me that I'm their second chance at raising a normal daughter."

"I can feel the love."

"I know they will never love me like they love their own kids, but when they say I'm their girl or they hug me or something, sometimes I pretend that I really am theirs. Is that weird?"

"Not at all. They really do love you, Tay. I am pretty sure that they always will."

"I always worried that people would stop loving me. Because my parents seemed to, you know? And then you guys happened, and I've never really worried about it."

"Good, because you're totally stuck with us forever."

"I wouldn't change it."

* * *

They stopped for coffee, not that they needed it, and ice-cream, not that they needed that either, and arrived home almost an hour later. Adam was sitting on the couch playing the xBox while Colton sat next to him, chewing on the extra controller.

"Hey girls."

"Hey. We brought ice-cream," Lindsay said, closing the door behind him. "Have you been playing video games this whole time?"

"Yeah. Are you surprised?"

"Nope."

She took the ice-cream and put it in the freezer, pouring herself a glass of water before she came back.

"Mama!" Colton said, abandoning the controller and reaching out for her. She smiled and picked him up, wiping the drool off of his chin.

"You want to see your auntie Taylor?"

He grinned and looked at Taylor, then buried his face in Lindsay's hair.

"I guess he's going to flirt instead. Want to help me make dinner?"

"Yes. It's been forever since we've cooked together."

"And this time I promise not to spill flour on you."

"Thanks Linds."

They went into the kitchen and Lindsay put Colton in the high chair, where he banged against the tray and hollered happily.

"You want a banana, buddy?"

"Na!"

"Does that mean no or banana?" Taylor asked with a chuckle.

"I think it means "I'm not sure what to say so I'm just going to make noise and hope the message gets across." You want to cut this up for him?"

"Sure."

Colton watched the transfer of the banana carefully, squealing when Taylor dropped a few pieces onto his tray.

"The boy likes to eat."

"He takes after his father, the bottomless pit."

"I heard that!" Adam hollered from the other room. "Make me a sandwich!"

"Watch yourself mister."

Taylor chuckled and rolled her eyes, throwing the banana peel in the trash.

"You two sound like your parents."

"Aw man, don't say that!"

"What? It's cute."

"Oh okay."

Taylor smiled and jumped up to sit on the counter, earning a look from Lindsay.

"So what are we going to do for five whole days?"

"Whatever you want. This is your vacation."

"Can we go to the museum?"

"Which one?"

"Any one."

"You're easy to please."

"That is my calling. Want me to make the salad?"

"Sure, thanks."

Taylor hopped off the counter and got into the fridge, pulling out the vegetables before finding a cutting board and a knife.

"So how hard is this mommy thing?" she asked, slicing through a carrot.

"It's the best thing I've ever done. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's totally worth it."

"And you love him like crazy, right?"

"Yeah. I can hardly stand it sometimes. You sound like you're fishing for something specific."

"I'm just trying to understand why some parents love their kids and some don't."

"Tay…"

"No, I know what you're going to say. I know that somewhere deep down my mom really does love me. But I don't know why I wasn't enough to make her remember that."

"Because your mom is selfish and immature and she never deserved you anyway. It's not that you weren't enough, it's that she wasn't."

"Do you think I'll do that? When I have kids someday, do you think I'll be like her?"

"No way. Your heart is way too big for that, kid."

"Thanks."

They continued to work in silence for a while, until Adam shouted from the other room.

"Taylor are you going to come and play me in Guitar Hero or are you just talk?"

"Whoa, those are fighting words. You'd better watch yourself man," she said, finishing up the salad. "I hope you've been practicing or this is going to be a quick death."

"You talk big but you're just a girl."

"Lindsay, you married a misogynist!"

Lindsay rolled her eyes and tuned out their banter, loving having a house filled with laughter.

* * *

"Linds, how long was it before you and Adam said I love you?" Taylor asked sleepily, stretched out along the couch. Adam and Colton had gone to bed hours ago, but the girls were running on a second helping of ice-cream and reruns of _Friends_.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I want to know. When did you say it? Why did you say it?"

Lindsay sighed thoughtfully and brushed Taylor's hair behind her ear.

"We said it before we were dating. Just like friendship I love you. Then we stopped saying it when we first started dating. I'm not sure if we were conscious of that or not. I guess it was about three weeks before we said it again."

"Tell me about it."

"Are you asking for a bedtime story or something?"

"No. I just want to know."

"We were taking a walk. It was kind of late. We weren't talking much, just kind of people watching. And he put his arm around me and he said it. And I said it back. And that was it."

"But how did you know that you loved him?"

"I don't know. I just felt it. I think it helped that we were friends first. Because I loved him as a friend and it just kind of grew. Now, at the time I said I love you, I wasn't sure if we were going to last. I didn't know if we were meant for each other. I didn't even know if I was in love with him. But I knew that that moment, standing there just felt right. It's hard to explain, and I want to give you more than that, but really, I just knew."

"I think I might love Jacob," Taylor started. "But I haven't known him that long. I want to say it though. Because I really do care about him. And I can't think of other words to use to tell him that."

"If you're looking for advice, I would say wait until you're sure."

"So don't go too fast."

"Yeah."

Taylor sat up and leaned against the couch, staring down at her fingernails and biting her lip.

"Can I ask you… how long was it before… I mean when did you…"

She sighed and Lindsay raised her eyebrow, trying to decode the stuttering.

"Did you sleep with him soon after that?"

"Geez, you've been hanging out with my mom too much."

"You always say I can ask you anything."

"You're right. And no, I didn't."

"Why not? Doesn't it make sense that you would?"

"Not necessarily. It's another one of those things that has to be right."

"So when was it right?"

"Oh my word."

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"No, I'll answer, I just can't believe we're having this talk."

"So when was it?"

"It was our wedding night," she confessed after a second.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Isn't that kind of abnormal?"

"Gee thanks."

"I'm serious. Don't grown adults usually… jump right in?"

"Maybe sometimes, but I don't think it's as prevalent as you think it is."

"Well certainly most people don't wait that long."

"No they don't."

"So why did you?"

"Because. We talked about it. And we wanted it to be special, and different than with anyone else, so we waited. I'm not saying that was easy, but it's something we both wanted, so we made it work."

"Was it worth it?"

"So much," she replied with a little grin. "Better than… well, I won't go into details, but it was very worth the wait."

Taylor cocked her head to the side, awaiting further explanation.

"When you love someone that much, when you wait that long, when you feel like it really is the first time… it's not just sex anymore. And that's when it's really right. That's when you never regret it."

"You cried, didn't you?"

"Maybe just a little."

"Do you think that everyone gets a love like that?"

"I hope so. I think that everyone has a love like that out there. I don't know if everyone finds that person, but I like to think they do."

"Do you think I'll find mine?"

"I hope so, sweetie. With all my heart, I really do."

"I'm glad you have that, Linds. You got the raw end of the deal for a long time."

"Yeah, but I wouldn't appreciate what I have now as much if I hadn't gone through all the bad ones first."

"Really?"

"You want some Adam philosophy?"

"Is it laughable?"

"No. He says that hearts are like legos. You're born with one of those big green base pieces, and all your life, every little bit of love you receive and every bit you give becomes a piece in the transformation of your heart. And one day you might give that heart to someone. And maybe all the pieces aren't there, and maybe they give you some pieces that you can add. But if they drop that heart, it's going to break. And sometimes it takes a while to put all the pieces back the way they were. All the pieces themselves are still intact, but sometimes they scatter and they're hard to find. The more whole your heart is, the harder it is to break. But when your heart is broken and then put back together, sometimes you structure it a little better than you did the first time. So when that right person finally gets your heart, they have something that is so strong and valuable that they are rendered incapable of dropping it. Everyone's heart is going to be different. Some might be lopsided or small, but they're all hearts. And they are the most complete and safe when they're held by the person who will never let it go."

"You really landed a good man didn't you?"

"That I did."

A soft cry came from the bedroom, and Lindsay stood up to go and get Colton. He was sitting in his bed, looking sad and forlorn. Normally this time of night he just needed a quick cuddle and to be tucked in again, but he seemed to be more awake than he usually was.

"Do you want a bottle?" she asked, lifting him out of the crib. He stuck his thumb in his mouth and looked around the room with a sigh. "I suppose that's a yes."

She took him into the kitchen and made a bottle quickly before returning to the couch.

"Midnight snack?" Taylor asked, looking up from the text message she was writing.

"Something like that. I don't usually give him a bottle this late, but he looked like he needed it. You want to feed him?"

"Think he'll let me?" she asked, closing the phone and setting it on the side table.

"If you've got the bottle," Lindsay replied.

Soon Colton was settled into Taylor's arms, smiling up at her around the bottle. She smiled back and leaned down to kiss his forehead. Quietly, Lindsay stood up and went back into the kitchen to do the dinner dishes.

"Hey Colton, I'm your auntie Taylor," she started softly. "Do you know how much I love you? I've loved you since before you were born. I probably won't be around much, but I'll always love you. I'm going to teach you things that will drive your mama crazy. And when you get older, I'm going to take you places and show you things and we'll be buddies, okay? And if you ever need anything, no matter what it is, you can always count on me. I'll always be there for you. Just like your mama is for me."

Lindsay smiled as she watched from the doorway, feeling like her two most important projects in life were turning out better than she had ever thought.


	60. Chapter 60

"I'm not one to complain, but it is way too hot to be doing anything today," Austin said, adjusting the air vent as she guided the Crown Vic though the busy New York streets.

"Pretty sure I have melted into my seat," Lindsay agreed, using the case file to fan herself. "Wouldn't it be nice if people took a break from… oh I don't know, killing each other over parking spaces?"

"If they could at least kill each other for a more interesting reason."

"Like wearing the same dress to a party."

"Or stealing a recipe."

"Exactly. Then it would make days like this worth it."

"We're really morbid today."

"It's the heat. Makes us cranky and hellish."

"You could have stayed in the nice air conditioned lab. I woulda drug Flack or Jess with me."

"Maybe, but Danny and Hawkes were driving me nuts with their discussions of some old hockey game. I hate hockey."

"The fights are good," Austin said with a shrug.

"Yeah, but do we really need to discuss it twelve years later?"

"You speak the truth."

They both sighed as traffic came to a halt and Austin lifted her hair off of her neck and pushed a few strands out of her face. Lindsay wordlessly handed her a hair tie, then went back to reading over the case file. It was a child abuse case, and neither one of them wanted anything to do with it. But Austin wasn't one to beg off an assignment, especially not when it was her first case back since the baby was born. Lindsay really could have stayed at the lab, but as horrible as this case was, she felt deeply that she needed to solve it.

They were currently on their way to interview a potential witness, a co-worker of the woman whose son had died. They already knew he had an alibi, as he had been at work with the mother at the time of death, but he was reportedly very close to the woman, so it only stood to reason that they would want to talk to him.

"I hate this case," Austin confessed, scanning through the staticky radio station.

"I'm not a fan either."

"I can't imagine what social workers go through every day."

"Not as much as the kids, though."

"Maybe not. But I could still never do it."

"I would probably cry every night."

"Me too. Okay, enough of that. We have to be strong."

"We have to be tough."

"We have to be freakin' Betty White!"

"Austin I don't know what to do with you."

"That's part of my charm."

Lindsay rolled her eyes as they turned off the main road and parked in front of an apartment building.

"I think after this we should get some ice water. Like buckets of it."

"Throw in a popsicle and I am totally with you on that."

"Sweet. Let's get this over with."

They got out of the car and made their way into the apartment building, both absentmindedly checking their weapons on the way. Austin knocked on the door of apartment and wiped her forehead as the footsteps inside came closer.

"Are you John Harvey?" Austin asked once the man had opened the door.

"What's it to you?"

"Mr. Harvey, we're with the NYPD-"

The acronym had barely escaped her lips before Harvey took off, running towards the back of the apartment.

"Is he serious?" Austin grumbled in the half second before taking off after him. Lindsay turned the other direction, running around the back of the building. She caught up to them in the alley, Harvey just an inch out of Austin's reach. She had her gun out but was sprinting for all she was worth, not wanting to waste precious time by trying to shoot him. Harvey took a quick turn around a corner and managed to gain some ground, which of course ticked Austin off even more.

"Hey, I said freeze!"

Harvey kept running, around another corner and into a seemingly abandoned warehouse.

"Oh great, just what we need."

They continued to chase him until he eluded them well enough that they lost sight of him. Slowly and carefully they went the direction they thought he had gone, holding their guns tightly and being extra cautious as neither of them had been prepared for this.

"Mr. Harvey, we just want to talk," Austin said, quickly peeking around a stack of crates.

"I didn't do it."

"You're not very convincing from the back," Lindsay retorted, trying to catch her breath. She moved backwards behind a stack of rebar and crouched on the floor to get a better view of the pillar that Harvey was standing behind.

"If you didn't do anything why won't you talk? Is it because of your record? We already know about that, Harvey."

"Shut up!"

"We know you used to hurt little kids."

"I said shut up!" he shouted.

"Hitting a little close to home there, Harvey?"

Lindsay quirked an eyebrow, surprised that Austin was coupling an interrogation with a negotiation, but maybe she knew what she was doing.

"Shut up! I don't do that anymore!"

"Then why did you run Harvey? You afraid of going back to prison?"

"Shut up!" he screamed, coming out from behind the pillar, holding his own gun and shaking. "Shut up, shut up!"

In a split second a bullet left his gun and headed straight for Austin, catching her in the arm. She cursed and staggered back behind the crates, holding her arm and letting herself fall to the floor.

"Aust, you alright?" Lindsay asked, keeping her gun on the pillar which Harvey had ducked behind again.

"I'm fine. Danny's gonna kill me," she said, wincing at the burning pain.

"John, you just made a big mistake," Lindsay said. "You mighta rendered her incapable of shooting you at the moment, but you didn't take into account that I'm the better shot here."

"You are not," Austin muttered.

"Shut up Aust," Lindsay shot back tersely. "John, you're just getting yourself in deeper the longer you stand there."

"I didn't do anything, I swear."

"Well then come out here so we can talk about that."

"You think I'm stupid?"

"Actually, I think shooting an officer is pretty stupid, John. And nothing would thrill me more greatly right now than to shoot you back, but I really don't have the time to write up a report about the discharge of a weapon."

She sounded almost bored as she talked, like she was picking her nails or would rather be doing anything else than this. If it was her way of diffusing the situation, it was working.

"I didn't do anything," he repeated, a little softer this time.

"Why did you run then?"

"Why wouldn't I? You cops framed me last time!"

"Look, I don't know what happened to you the last time, but I can tell you that it won't happen this time. If you really don't have anything to do with this, then prove it to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Tell me the truth. It sounds to me like you know something about Billy Dobbins murder that you don't want to say."

"I don't know anything!" he shouted, his anger coming to the surface again.

"John," she started, lowering her voice. "I think you do."

He came out from behind the pillar, his eyes spitting anger, his gun raised at her. She gulped back a piece of panic and recalled her training and relaxing techniques, keeping her gun trained on him as well.

"You're calling me a liar. I'm not a liar! I'm not!"

"I'm not calling you a liar, John. I'm saying that you know something that you don't want to say."

"Do you think I'm scared?"

"No-"

"Everyone thinks that! They thought that when I was in prison! You think I want to go back? I'll die before I'll go back. I'll take out anyone I have to!"

"John-"

Another bullet ripped through the air and skimmed over her arm and she reacted quickly, getting a shot off that caught him in the knee. He yelped in pain and fell to the floor and she ran to him, slapping the cuffs on him and resting her knee in the middle of his back.

"Hey Aust, you wanna call for back up now?"

"Yeah," Austin replied, her voice thin.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just not a good clotter."

"Put pressure on it."

"I am. It's slowing down. I'll call for backup."

Lindsay tuned out the radio chatter while John Harvey screamed beneath her, complaining that she was hurting him.

"You shot my friend and you shot me. You're lucky I didn't cap you in the nuts," she said, putting a little more pressure on him and checking out the slight gash on her forearm. She held on to the adrenaline, knowing that it wouldn't be good if starting thinking too hard about it.

* * *

"We match," Lindsay said with a slight chuckle, gently lifting the gauze off of her arm. Austin sighed and swung her legs off the side of the gurney they were sitting on, checking out her own injury with a slightly morbid curiosity.

"The friends that get shot together…"

"Not to make light of this, but John Harvey seriously needs to take some shooting lessons. He sucks."

"No offense, but it was kind of like Adam with a gun."

"None taken."

They grinned together as one of the paramedics walked up with his kit, a grin on his face.

"When they said officer down, I should have known it was you Hawthorne," he said, motioning for her arm so he could look at it.

"It's Messer now, Davis. You know that as well as you know the ugly on your mug."

"Breaking in a new partner?"

"Lindsay's from the crime lab. I'm never takin' her with me again if she quotes _Home Alone 2 _at a suspect."

"_Home Alone_, huh?"

"She's my best friend and she's married Davis, so stop lookin' at her like that."

"I should give you a lollipop for being such a good patient," he said, finishing up with her bandage and moving on to Lindsay.

"Stuff it, Davis."

"Even injured her words still sting," he chuckled.

"Even dead her words would still sting," Lindsay agreed. "That's why we love her."

"I want that on my tombstone."

"You got it."

"You're the best friend ever."

"I fear your wrath Aust."

"I want that in my obit."

"It's like this is her softer side," Davis said, packing up his kit. "I hereby discharge you both from this gurney."

"Thanks."

He gave them both a smile and wandered off while Lindsay tried to suppress her chuckles.

"So how long did you two date?"

"Shut up."

"I wonder what Danny's gonna say when I tell him."

"Ross, you'd better just clam up right about now."

"Oh come on, you dish it out too."

"Of course I do. I wouldn't be me if I didn't."

"Precisely why this works. You okay?"

"Yeah. I've just never watched a friend get shot before. A co-worker, yeah. But never a friend. I don't like it."

"I don't think you're supposed to."

She sighed and raked her tangled hair out of her eyes.

"I thought I was ready to come back to work, but I am pretty sure I would rather be watching Sesame Street right now."

"Same here."

"Well, I have some bad news," Detective Angell said as she approached them. "Flack called your respective husbands and they're down at the precinct like worried 50's housewives."

"Oh great. They're never going to let us work together again."

* * *

"So lemme get this straight. You guys go to question a suspect-"

"He wasn't a suspect yet," Austin corrected, sticking her hands on her hips and tossing her head in annoyance.

"Chase him into an abandoned building without wearin' vests, both manage to get shot and then you call for backup? And you think this is okay because you got the guy?"

"Pretty much, yeah that's what happened," Lindsay said, crossing her arms.

"What are we gonna do with these two?" Danny asked Adam.

"I dunno Danny. I mean, they did get the guy."

"Vests from now on, girls. Got it?"

"And helmets too Danny?"

"Knee pads?"

"Wrist braces and mouth guards?"

"Hey Linds, maybe we should just get fitted for bubbles."

"I bet they make accessories for those by now!"

"We could put bumper stickers on them."

"Play tic-tac-toe with whiteboard markers."

"Okay, okay. Geez, sometimes I wish you guys would hate each other."

"Sometimes we do."

"Alright Linds, it's time to take you home," Adam said, sliding his arm around her shoulders.

"Hey, where's my offspring?"

"Stella's got both offspring of this awkward friendship out in the hall."

He steered her out of the room, but stopped her once they were alone.

"What?"

He pulled her into his arms and sighed, kissing her forehead repeatedly, then tipping her head back to look at her.

"Babe, please don't ever do that to me again."

"I'm sorry. He ran and we had to get him and-"

"I know all that. Just… be more careful. We need you to come home whole at the end of the day."

"I will sweetheart. Now kiss me and we'll move on."

He obeyed and held her a little tighter for just a moment before letting her go.

"Let's go home and get you to bed so you can be ready to get back out there in the morning."

"Because there's a case to solve."

"That there is."

* * *

A/N: This time I really am finishing the case. I swear. SWEAR.


	61. Chapter 61

The Styrofoam coffee cup hit the trashcan with a gentle swoosh and almost went in, then fell to the floor. Lindsay looked at it for a moment, wondering if sheer mind power could move it. It was her third cup of the day and it was only nine, so even if minds could move objects, she definitely didn't have enough brain power for it.

She'd increased her shifts every week, working a lot of days while Adam worked nights. They were never at work together, but that meant they were never home together either. They'd been talking about putting Colton in daycare so they could have a little more flexibility, but she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet. She was still hoping that they could find a cheap and tidy in home daycare, but that seemed to be out of the realm of possibility.

Ignoring the cup for the time being, she turned back to the stack of papers in front of her, skimming through the phone records of Cheryl Dobbins, Billy's mother. She said she hadn't had any suspicious calls in the last few weeks, but that didn't mean it wasn't an avenue to pursue. She yawned and closed her eyes tight for a moment, then snapped them back open, as if that would help. It didn't.

She figured a change would help, so she neatly stacked the phone records and moved over to the financials. Nothing stood out, even in the last year. She started to get that feeling that she always did; the case was never going to end, it would be shelved and the files and evidence would collect dust until the world imploded and all became naught anyway.

"I am getting way too cynical," she muttered, standing up and stretching.

"Hey Linds," Hawkes started, coming into the room. "I've been thinking this case was fishy from the beginning. A kid dies in the middle of the night while his mother is fifteen feet away in the next room. She doesn't hear anyone come in, has no reason to think anything is going to happen. She looked grief stricken for a while, but now she seems relieved. Her son has been gone two days and she is suddenly sporting an engagement ring."

"What?" she asked, her hands immediately going to her hips.

"Flack's downstairs interviewing her. That guy you two busted yesterday, he was dating her for a while. But wasn't it several months ago? Who is she dating now?"

"Or rather, who popped the question at such an in opportune time?"

"Certainly is an interesting avenue to pursue," he agreed.

"It's sad how easily we suspect a parent."

"Have you found anything that might support the theory?"

"No, but I haven't found anything that disputes it either."

"Think we should let Flack in on this?"

"He's going to want evidence first. But maybe we can find out who this fiancé is."

They spent the next few hours going over the unprocessed evidence, finding little of value. They were still waiting on the official autopsy report, but the tentative cause of death was suffocation.

"Hey guys," Austin said, poking her head in the door. "We've got the scumbag fiancé. Peter Collins. He's a real winner too."

"How's that?"

"Strikes me as slimy. He's laying it all on Ms. Dobbins, which I think is the mark of a wonderful life partner. He says she was afraid of losing him and thought he would walk out under the strain of being a step-parent and she asked him to kill Billy."

"That's lovely," Lindsay mumbled, the thought almost making her sick to her stomach.

"Flack got in to talk to Harvey though, who is telling the same story. Says Cheryl wanted him to get rid of Billy and he wouldn't do it. He dumped her because he was afraid she would do it herself and make him the perfect scapegoat."

"That doesn't explain the engagement ring, but quite honestly at this point that seems to be the least of her worries."

* * *

"So tell me Cheryl," Austin started, leaning against the table. "What does a guy like Peter got that makes him so irresistible?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, it has to be something really great for you to want to kill your son just to be with him."

"What? Lady, you're nuts! My son was murdered! Why are you looking at me?"

"Because, we've got the murder weapon," Lindsay answered, sliding a glossy photo across the table. "Ordinary bathroom towel. Except this one has mucus on it. Mucus from your son, in the pattern of his mouth and nose as he was struggling to breathe."

"Some psycho left that in my house!"

"Now what's interesting about this towel, Cheryl, is where we found it. Where was that again, Detective Messer?"

"In the bathroom. The bathroom that can only be accessed by passing through the living room. The room where you claimed to be, sitting up watching TV that night."

"I… I must have fallen asleep."

"Oh, so you want to change your story."

"No! I mean yes!"

"Oh, well I'm convinced. How about you, Detective Ross?"

"I don't know. I mean, she obviously cares for her son. Enough to send him out to play in the dead of winter with no coat."

"Or that time she locked him out of the house when he was two."

"I mean, it's a good thing that CPS let them fall through the cracks or she might have been deemed an unfit mother for all the stories we heard."

"It's not true!"

"It is. You see, it might have been the perfect crime. But you weren't counting on something. When you put that towel over your sons face, and you pressed your hand over it, you left a mark. The mark of your hand as it snuffed out his life. We found that mark and we matched it to you. Where do you want to go with that, Cheryl?"

"I couldn't take it anymore! He always needed something. I didn't have my own life anymore. I can't do anything without thinking about him first. It's not fair! I just wanted to be happy, but he was in my way. He was always in my way!"

"And you decided that your happiness was more important than his life?"

"No, no! I didn't know what I was doing! I went crazy!"

"Lady, you'd been planning it for months. You didn't just snap. You'd been calculating this for the better part of a year."

"But I-"

"You're under arrest for the murder of Billy Dobbins…"

* * *

It was a long rest of the day, filled with paperwork and legalese, not enough coffee and too much lost faith in humanity. It was, however, still light out when Lindsay decided to call it a night and head home, happy that Adam was off. She really would rather spend the evening snuggled up with him and Colton on the couch than anything else she could think of at this moment.

"Hey dude," Austin said, meeting her as she came off the elevator. "Going home?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Well I would be, but I called Danny and he said he's over at your place watching the game with Adam."

"What game?"

"I don't know. They always manage to find a game. You never should have gotten the ESPN full package added to the cable for Adam's birthday."

"I was getting bored of all the cartoon stations I added for Christmas."

"Well anyway. Both men watching sports while they're supposed to be watching the kids is a recipe for disaster."

"In that case, I think the kids might take better care of themselves."

"Let's go. Pick up some Chinese on the way because I bet you they haven't eaten."

"Probably not."

They went out to the parking garage and got into the car, immediately rolling the windows down.

"Are you guys still going to Arizona next month?" Austin asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Yes. In the middle of August. Because we're smart like that or something."

"His parents have a pool and air conditioning, right?"

"Yeah. They even have a ceiling fan out on the back deck. I still don't know why we couldn't have waited until October though."

"If he brings me back a half melted best friend, I'm going to have an issue with that."

"I'll let him know."

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for almost dying with me yesterday."

"No problem. I don't almost die with just anyone, you know."

"Would you laugh at me if I admitted that I was just a little scared yesterday?"

"No. I was too. Having a kid at home makes everything a little scarier."

"It does. She was all I could think about, you know? What if I don't come home?"

"Yeah."

"Doesn't get easier?"

"Nope. Definitely makes you think twice before you do things though."

"I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy. I said something to Flack and he just looked at me weird."

"Flack always looks weird, Aust."

"I know, but he made the same face he made when I told him that I was only going to the dance with him if I could wear a suit."

"Aust… you're one of a kind."

"Thanks."

They stopped quickly for Chinese food, ordering one of almost everything, then headed home. When they opened the door, they expected to see some kind of sports game blaring on the TV. What they found instead was Adam and Danny fully enjoying an episode of _Phineas and Ferb_.

The girls looked at each other, not quite sure what to think.

"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this," Austin muttered, setting a bag of food on the counter.

"It might give them ideas," Lindsay confirmed. "Hey boys, you know that cartoons aren't real, right?"

"We put this on for the kids!" Danny countered.

"I would buy that if they were four. And if they were in the room. What did you do with them?"

"They conked out about an hour ago. We stuck them in the crib."

"Together?" Austin asked with a raised eyebrow and a slightly amused look.

"Yeah, so?"

"Starting 'em young, huh?"

"Hey, you two already have their wedding colors picked out."

"It's only in negotiations," Lindsay tossed over her shoulder, heading back to the nursery. She opened the door slowly while Austin joined her, both of them walking quietly towards the crib. The kids were both awake babbling quietly at each other, and looking quite happy with each other's company.

"Mama!"

"Hey goober," Lindsay greeted, reaching down into the crib to pick him up. "Did you have fun with daddy and uncle Danny today?"

"Dada Mama."

"Yeah, we know you love us."

"Hey, how come every time I'm over here you guys have some new nifty nightlight?"

"Because Adam spends a lot of money online. And then he switches out the night lights every week."

"I liked those multi colored jar things you had last time."

"I like those ones too. And as much as I love _Star Wars_ I'm not really digging the light saber he's got in there now. I guess he'll change it in a few days."

"I've always wondered if he played the Imperial March to your stomach when you were pregnant."

Lindsay snickered.

"A time or two."

"Translation?"

"Pretty much every night. But I have to admit we played The Shins and some Mozart and Garth Brooks and Elvis and Pavarotti."

"Surely he is going to have an eclectic taste in music," she said, lifting Isa out of the crib.

"That's what we're hoping for."

"This is the wettest diaper I have ever felt," Austin commented, wrinkling her nose. "Did your father forget to change you today?"

"It must be a guy thing because this one is toting quite the cargo as well."

Austin sighed and rooted around in the diaper bag that Danny had tossed into the rocking chair.

"Guess who didn't pack diapers."

"You're kidding," Lindsay snickered, finding a new diaper for Colton and taking the old one off.

"Do you have any small ones laying around?"

"We might have some left overs. If not I'm sure we could rig a contraption of a big diaper and some Saran wrap, at least until you get home."

"I am never leaving Danny with diaper bag duty again."

"Here's a small one."

"That should fit her non-existent butt."

Soon both babies were dry and happy in the arms of their mothers, and headed back out to the living room.

"So did anyone in here do anything productive today?" Lindsay asked, sitting down next to Adam and smiling when he folded her into his arms.

"Productive?" he asked. "The kids are alive, aren't they?"

"We worked all day and brought home dinner and all you manage to do is nurture your offspring?"

"Yeah."

"As long as we're on the same page."

"You said something about bringing home dinner?"

"It's in the kitchen."

Adam and Danny got up off the couches and went into the kitchen while the girls rolled their eyes.

"So tell me, how was it having Taylor around?"

"It was good. I forget how much I miss her until I'm with her for a while. And it's nice, you know?"

"What is?"

"To be needed like that. To know that she hasn't… I don't know, grown up enough to not need me anymore."

"I think she'll always need you, Linds."

"Yeah. Probably."

"Are you only happy when you're everything to everyone?" she asked with a slight tip of her head.

"What?"

"That wasn't supposed to be as mean as it sounded. It just feels like you always have this need to fix people's problem or make things better. And I wonder how many times your problems have fallen by the wayside because you spent more time on other people than you did on yourself."

"Maybe it used to be that way, but not anymore. Adam makes sure."

"Good."

"Hey, do you two want food?" came a shout from the kitchen.

"What do you think?"

"Coming up."

They emerged a moment later, plates piled with food.

"Colton, must you always eat off of mama's plate?" Adam asked, pulling his son's hand back. "Here, have some kung pao tofu."

"Adam!"

"He likes it."

"He likes it because it's food, not because it's not burning his mouth."

"Was that a double negative?"

"I think I contradicted myself."

"Well either way he seems pretty happy."

"Mmm!"

"No more, I was just going to tease you with a bite."

"You'd better go find him something to eat or he's going to try and push your plate out of your hand."

"I know."

"So are you going to get up?"

"I guess."

"Why do we have this argument every single night?" she sighed, standing up and going back into the kitchen.

"Because what else would we do with our time?"

"There are some days that I hate you. Like today when I find a half gallon of milk sitting in the same place that it was sitting when I left this morning. Why do you do that? What in your past renders you incapable of putting the stinkin' milk in the stinkin' fridge? Was there some kind of tragedy at a dairy? Were you kicked in the head by a fully uddered cow? Did someone swap your two percent for fat free and leave you subconsciously resenting milk in any form for the rest of your life?"

"It was the third one babe," he called back, smirking, then dropping his voice so she couldn't hear him. "I actually do things like this because she says funny stuff when she's mad."

"Like fully uddered?"

"Exactly."

"I love you Adam," she said, returning to the room with a handful of baby crackers for Colton. "But I think I need to retrain you."

"Hey, if his only fault is that he's a milk whore…" Austin trailed off with a shrug.

"I guess you're right."

"Any clue?" Adam asked Danny.

"Not a one. So hey, did you guys solve your case today?"

"Yeah, but not the way we wanted to. Don't want to talk about it."

They exchanged a look of mutual conviction, that tonight they were each going to hold their kids just a little bit tighter.


	62. Chapter 62

"Linds, that isn't what I meant!" Adam said, standing up from the couch to follow her into the other room.

"Okay, then what did you mean? I tell you that Mac yelled at me and all you can say is that he was right?"

"Well honey, he kind of is."

She gave him a grumpy look and turned around, chucking the pillows off the bed and throwing the covers back.

"Hey, now don't take it out on the bed."

"You are on my last nerve right now and your jokes are making it worse," she said, snapping the sheet forcefully and settling it back on the bed. He moved slowly to the other side and tucked the sheet in, hoping his small act of helpfulness would quell the fire that she had come home with.

"And you didn't have to say it like that either," she added, tugging the comforter into place. "Like it doesn't really matter and you have no idea why I'm upset. And you didn't even listen to the whole thing, you automatically just jumped onto his side of it. And that's not fair because we're supposed to be a team here. You and me against the world. You ditched me."

Her tone was accusatory and her eyes narrow as she stood there, arms crossed over her chest.

"Lindsay, I didn't ditch you."

"Oh, then what do you call it? You just decided to bat for the other team for the day?"

"You're talking about this like I cheated on you or something."

"Don't make this into something it's not!"

"Don't make me the bad guy when I'm not!" he shouted back, getting kind of mad himself.

"Adam, you didn't take my side."

"But you were wrong!"

"That's not the point. You could have at least been a little nicer about the whole thing. It wasn't like you even said he was right so much as you said I screwed up. Yes, I know I screwed up. I am very aware of my failure. I'm not four, I don't have to be told what I did wrong. But he already got after me for that and I didn't need you to do it too!"

"Okay, you're right. And I'm sorry. But you have got to chill out."

She sighed angrily and tossed the pillows back onto the bed then sat down, still wanting to be mad but feeling herself cooling down.

"Look honey," he said, sitting down next to her. "You made a mistake. It happens to all of us, but you just managed to do it on a bad day. Mac's been stressed out lately and that's probably what happened. I know it makes the mistake worse, but you can't hold it against him. And you can't beat yourself up for making a mistake."

"I labeled the wrong thing, Adam. That's not just running the wrong test or screwing up measurements. I could be accused of evidence tampering."

"Mac will take care of it. You went to him and told him what happened right away, so no one can say that you were trying to hide something."

"I yelled back at him though."

"What?"

"He just kept saying all these things, about how I messed up and how all my work could be called into question, and how there is no room for error and I already knew it. So I told him that."

"Colorfully I'm assuming."

"In Paramount Technicolor."

"Whoops."

"I didn't mean to, it just shot out before I could grab it and suddenly I was getting on his case for things that happened years ago, like the time he made me jump in a dumpster or all the times he doubled back and checked my work. And he has a good reason for doing those things, and it actually makes me trust him more, but for some reason… it was like I didn't know what to think so I just got offended."

"Now sweetheart, love of my life, mother of my child and resident champion of Mario Kart on all four systems, is it possible that you maybe are experiencing Shark Week?"

"What on God's green earth do you mean by Shark Week?"

"Well… at the risk of… you know, risking my life… it's that special week every month when… well…"

"You don't want to touch me because you think I'm going to go praying mantis and murder you after sex?"

"Yes."

She gave a wry chuckle and dropped her head into her hands.

"It's never this bad."

"Yes it is."

"That was supposed to make me feel better?"

"Well at least you're not abnormal?"

"Thank you for trying."

"Okay, I'm going to put on my brave face and say get over here."

She moved over into his arms with a sigh, turning against his chest and tracing her finger over the plaid design on his shirt.

"I'm sorry, Adam. I know you're always on my side. I didn't mean to sound like you're not. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay. You were upset and we all say things that we don't mean sometimes."

"That's not an excuse."

"No, it's a reason. And it's okay."

"I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to fight with you."

"Then we won't. It's over now, got it?"

"Yeah."

"Look at my eyes Lindsay," he said, tipping her chin up. "You got it?"

"I got it."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He gave her a little smile and kissed her slowly, running his fingers through her hair, his hand coming to rest at the base of her skull. He pulled her closer ever so slightly and she took the encouragement, settling into the kiss with a gentle sigh.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Do you want to veg in front of the TV for a while? Get caught up in an imaginary world where nothing means anything and real life doesn't even touch you?"

"I am not watching _Lost_ with you again."

"Aw c'mon, be a good sport."

"Absolutely not."

"Li-inds!" he whined, wrinkling up his whole face. She smiled and tackled him onto the mattress, tickling his sides because she knew he couldn't stand it.

"Watch out lady, you're worse than I am!" he said, grabbing both of her wrists in one hand and flipping them both over. Her eyes went wide with silent laughter and she shook her head.

"Don't do it," she warned. "I'm serious Adam, don't do it."

For a moment she thought he was going to give up, but then she saw the evil glint in his eye and knew she was in for it. He went straight for the double whammy, running his beard over her neck and tickling her stomach. She squirmed and laughed, trying to get away, but also quite enjoying herself. He just held onto her tighter, replacing the slight beard scratches with soft kisses. He let go of her wrists and leisurely continued his ministrations, trailing up one side and down the other while his hand rested low on her stomach. She reached around and slid her hand up the back of his shirt while his breath left spots of warmth on her skin. She let out a contented whimper and he pulled away a little, brushing her hair back and looking into her eyes to gauge her reaction. She smiled up at him, taking one of his hands and lacing her fingers through his.

"You'd better not be teasing me."

"Do I ever tease you?"

"All the time!"

"I do not!" she countered, mildly and bemusedly horrified. "I never even come close to teasing you."

"Yes you do."

"How?"

"When you do that thing when you're washing the dishes where you stand on one foot and roll your ankle."

"What?"

"Or how you always do this nuzzle stretch sigh combo when you're sleeping."

"Adam…"

"The way you tuck your hair behind your ear or lick your lips or chew your fingernails when we're watching a movie. You do it without even knowing you're doing it. Maybe that's what makes it so… teasing."

"Well I guess if I do that every day, then that means I come through most of the time."

"Maybe when you put it that way…"

She chuckled and pulled him back down to her, but her intentions were cut short by a tiny voice on the baby monitor.

"Dada!"

"I just want to set the record straight, that this was not my fault," she said, as he sat up. He gave her a grin and tweaked her nose before moving off the bed and into the other room.

"Colton, I thought we had a talk about this. Men are supposed to stick together."

"Mmmbah."

"That's what you said last time. I'm beginning to question your allegiances. You're not cutting me a break here."

"Dada," Colton said seriously, patting his face.

"Okay, I'll give you a second shot. Wanna go talk mama into letting us have pizza and popcorn for dinner in front of the TV?"

"That depends on what you want to watch," Lindsay said, wrestling her hair into a ponytail as she came around the corner.

"Okay, well since you are opposed to anything with desert islands and high adventure you're going to have to give me a while to think about it."

"Dude, how did I even end up with you?" she asked with a shake of her head.

He smiled and placed his hand over her mouth.

"Don't question it."

"I never will again."


	63. Chapter 63

A/N: Go listen to/ look up the lyrics to Chase this Light from the album Chase this Light by Jimmy Eat World. I am just begging you right now, there is a moment that will be better if you do.

* * *

"We thank you for flying with us today. Please take care in removing your luggage from the overhead compartment as items may have shifted during the flight. Welcome to Phoenix and enjoy your day."

Adam and Lindsay looked at each other, completely exhausted, overheated and unamused. Colton has slept the first leg of the flight from New York to Denver. But once the plane took off again, he had decided to pass the time by crying. Not loud screams, but constant tears and whimpering. They had tried everything to calm him down, but he was content to be discontent. Luckily they had been able to keep his cries fairly quiet and the plane wasn't crowded so they didn't disturb too many people, but they still stayed sitting down while everyone else deplaned.

"Please, please tell me this is not an omen of that this vacation is going to be like," Lindsay sighed.

"Okay, so he's not going to be an aviator. We'll just keep him awake the night before we leave to go home and he'll sleep the whole time."

"Alright. Can we get out of here and get something to eat? I think I might shrivel up and die."

"Yeah, let's get out of here."

They gathered up their things and their now sleeping child and made their way off the plane, through the sympathetic glances of the flight attendants. Adam slung the bags over his shoulder while Lindsay carried Colton and his carseat and they actually looked like a pair of exhausted nomads, trudging through the airport.

"Hey sweetie, let's sit for a second," Adam suggested, setting their bags on the floor near some chairs. She sat down carefully, then leaned down to strap Colton into the carseat.

"You stressed out?"

"No, just… that was bad."

"I know," he said, reaching over to rub her shoulders.

"Mm, thanks. How did you know?"

"You said that the airplane seats always give you horrible pains in your neck and shoulders which turns to burning, then a headache, then nausea. Where are you sitting right now?"

"Headache. A little nausea. This is helping though."

"Good. I'm going to go and get some water, because we're going to need it going outside. Be right back."

She nodded and leaned back against the chair, grabbing her cell phone out of her pocket to check her messages. There was just one from Austin, asking how the flight was. She sent a quick "Urgh" back, figuring that was enough of a description.

"Here, cold water," Adam said, holding the bottle out to her. She took it gratefully and popped the top off, taking a long swig.

"Thanks hon."

"Ready to go?"

"Yeah. How long of a drive is it to you mom's house?"

"Depends on traffic. About an hour. You gonna sleep?"

"Nah."

He picked up the bags again and they made their way downstairs to the car rental agency. His mom had offered to pick them up, but they thought that it was easier to just rent a car and have a little more freedom of mobility.

They process was fairly fast and they were soon on the road, air conditioner blasting and music playing.

"I think I like this album better than the other one," Lindsay said, propping her feet up on the dashboard and settling the iPod back into the cup holder.

"Really? It's good, but it's so… young."

"Well, that's because they were young as a band when they made this one."

"But there's so many things they could have done to make it better."

"Are you saying this one sucks?"

"Not at all. I'm just saying… Okay, _Chase This Light_ is complete. It's fuller and richer, has better lyrics and it sounds like they had fun making it. _Bleed American_ is really good, but they sound hesitant, like they weren't sure what they were doing and where they were going. It's like a collection of songs while the other album is more like a medley. It just all flows together."

"I agree. But _Bleed American _came out when I was still in college and me and my friends used to turn it up really loud and it just reminds me of how happy I was and how… big the world was."

"Okay, but _Chase This Light_ should have some sentimental value for you. Remember how it came out while we were on our honeymoon and I downloaded it and we sat on the deck of the boat-"

"Under that big blanket with an ear bud each while the sun went down."

"And there was that last little sliver of sun just as the title track broke into the chorus and I said that it would be our song."

"Okay," she said, reaching over and placing her hand over his on the console. "You win."

"I thought I might when I whipped out the big guns."

"I love you."

"I love you too babe."

* * *

When they reached the house an hour later, Hannah was standing on the front porch, holding onto the railing and jumping up and down as if she had just won the lottery.

"Mom, Dad, they're here!" she shouted before jumping down the porch steps and running out to the car. She slammed into Adam just as he got out of the car, almost causing him to topple over. He grinned and picked her up kissing her cheek while she practically strangled him with a hug.

"I missed you so much!" she exclaimed. "Did you miss me?"

"My favorite little sister in all the world? Of course I missed you!"

She giggled and squirmed back down to the ground, going around the other side of the car to throw her arms around Lindsay.

"Hey Hannie."

"Lindsay guess what?"

"What?"

"Yesterday I won a blue ribbon for jumping my horse! I did the best out of all the other kids."

"Are you serious? That's awesome kiddo."

"Did you ever get any ribbons for your horse?"

"Yeah, but never a blue one."

"Maybe when you're here you can come and see my horse. Mommy goes riding with me sometimes but maybe you can go with me once."

"I'd like that. We'll see if we can go some morning when it's not so hot."

"Excellent!"

"Speaking of hot," Adam said, unlatching Colton's carseat from its base. "Let's get inside where it's not so."

Hannah skipped in front of them and held the door open.

"Toast, get back," Hannah said, picking up the small dog and turning him in the other direction. "We don't sniff people when they're trying to come inside!"

The dog looked at her then wagged his tail and took off across the room, finding a chew toy half buried under the couch.

"I'm glad you're here," Sharon said coming out of the kitchen and giving each of them a hug. "Little Miss has been waiting by the window since she woke up this morning."

"Not the whole day!" Hannah argued. "Just most of it."

"Go get your dad, he's in the backyard."

Hannah wandered off, the dog following her closely.

"How was your flight?"

Adam and Lindsay gave her the same look and she smiled.

"Guess that answers that question. Are you guys hungry? Dinner is almost ready."

"We're starving," Adam confirmed as Lindsay took Colton out of the carseat. He chewed on his hand and smiled up at her, as if the last few hours hadn't happened.

"Why don't you go and see your grandma? I'm sure she won't mind that you're such a stinker."

"Hey little boy. I think you're a clone of your daddy," she said with a little chuckle.

"Everyone keeps sayin' that," Adam commented, sitting down on the couch. "I'm not sure it's a good thing."

"It's a good thing," Lindsay and Sharon assured in unison.

"Hey, I wanted to hold the baby!" Hannah said as she came back into the room.

"You'll get to in just a second. Go sit by your brother."

She hopped onto the couch happily and held her arms out.

"He's so heavy," she commented. "And his cheeks are fat."

"They're supposed to be," Adam laughed. "You were the queen of fat cheeks when you were a baby."

"I was not!"

"Why do you think we called you Chubbles?" Sharon asked.

Hannah grimaced while Colton tugged on her pigtail.

"Hey, you can't do that!" she said, taking her hair out of his hand. "You have to be nice to me. Cuz I'm your aunt and those are the rules."

* * *

"I was afraid she was going to get out the baby pictures," Adam muttered, setting a glass of lemonade on the coffee table then sliding his arm around Lindsay's shoulders while she looked through an old picture album.

"Look how cute you were," she answered with a smile.

"I was not."

"You were too!"

"I was an awkward child."

"Why, because you wore highwaters and suspenders?"

"Because I had a bubble sword stuck down the leg of my pants. I was a total geek."

"You still are. But you're my geek and I love you."

"You're a sweet woman."'

"I try."

They kept looking through the book and Adam told her the stories that went along with the pictures, leaving out any anecdotes about his father. They went from birth all the way to his college graduation, giggling together about some of the scrapes he had gotten into.

"Do you think Colton is going to be like you?" she asked, tracing her finger over the embossed watermark on the last picture.

"Do we want him to be?"

"Not exactly like you; I don't want to be cleaning melted wax out of the carpet for the better part of his elementary career."

"Ha ha."

"What do you think he'll be when he grows up? Do you think he'll have a job like ours or he'll do something more creative? Or maybe he'll be a lawyer or a paramedic? A therapist? A farmer?"

"I don't know, hon. I'm pretty sure we'll be proud of him no matter what he does."

"Yeah. I just hope he's happy. I don't want him to grow up discontent, you know? I want him to find something that he loves and jump in with both feet."

"Linds, I think he's going to be just fine. He's got you and he's got me and I think he is going to grow up very happy with his life."

"I just want him to have everything. I don't want him to be spoiled, but I want him to have every opportunity."

"He will. We'll make sure."

"I can't believe we get to watch it though. Be a part of who he becomes and what he does."

"It's kind of scary."

"A little bit."

"Hey, thanks for coming out here. We could have gone to Montana or done something really vacationy and I know you might have liked that better, but-"

"Hey. This is my family too."

He smiled and kissed her.

"Thanks for being my better half and going through this crazy life with me."

"Right back at you."


	64. Chapter 64

Lindsay felt a gentle pinch on her toes, then on her foot, up her calf and to the back of her knee. She grinned and buried her face deeper in the pillow, not quite ready to wake up yet. She'd had a hard time falling asleep, not used to the heat. Eventually Adam had opened the window and she'd fallen into a shallow sleep for a few hours.

"Babe, shower's free."

"Mmm."

"Are you going to get up?"

"Mmm."

"Aren't you going shopping with my mom?"

"Yeah."

"So are you going to get up?"

"You're nagging," she muttered, rolling over but keeping her eyes closed. He chuckled and leaned down to kiss her.

"Excuse me," she said, pulling away after a moment. "But what in the name of shave and a haircut did you do?"

She ran her hand over his completely bare face, not sure what to think.

"See, I have a good reason for this…"

"Adam, you don't even like it when I get my hair trimmed. You just changed your whole face!"

"Honey."

"I mean, I love you to death, but you look like you're twelve."

"Hey!"

"What did you do this for?"

"Because. I'm going to get a lot of sun and I don't want beard lines when I trim up later."

She grimaced a little.

"It'll grow back in a week."

"Promise?"

"I swear. Is it really that bad?"

"No sweetie. I mean, I don't think I want to see it again, but I won't leave you over it."

"That's encouraging."

"Hey, if I had met you bare-faced it would be fine. This would be like if I decided to go bleach blonde."

"I am truly sorry for this then."

"It's okay. I still think you're totally hot."

"Thanks babe."

He pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, then moved off of the bed.

"I am going to go procure some breakfast."

"Take your son with you."

"Alright. C'mon buddy. Let's see what kind of cereal grandma's got in this joint."

They left the room and Lindsay waited until they were safely out of earshot before she picked up her cell phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Aust, my husband has a naked face and I am not sure how I feel about it."

"Linds?"

"I woke up just now and he had shaved his beard. Not a short trim. It's totally gone."

"What?"

"Something about beard tan lines? I don't know. Am I allowed to tell him I hate it? Have we been married long enough for that?"

"You're asking me, the woman born without a filter?"

"I am not sure of my next move here."

"Do you really hate it that much?"

"I guess it's not the end of the world and he says it'll grow back in a week. I don't know how I feel about a clean shaven man."

"It's definitely a change. Did I ever tell you about the time Danny grew a Unabomber beard?"

"And you let him?"

"It was kind of cute."

"Aust."

"I hated it, but he really wanted to see if he could do it, so I just… dealt with it."

"That is so not like you."

"I was in love and he looked rough. I call it the lost winter."

"If you can deal with that, I can deal with this."

"That's my girl."

"I'd better go."

"Hey, send pictures."

"I don't know if I want to immortalize this, but for your entertainment I will."

"I love you too. Stay safe out there and don't melt."

"I won't."

She hung up the phone and took a fast shower, then dressed and headed downstairs. Everyone was in the kitchen eating cereal and making plans for the day.

"Han, are you going to go shopping with me and Lindsay or are you going to the auto show with daddy and Adam?"

"Um…" Hannah replied as Sharon pulled her hair back into a ponytail. "I think I'll go with daddy and Adam. They always get good junk food."

"Oh really?"

"She's right mom, we do. Dad knows the best way to order a hot dog."

Dave just nodded.

"You two," Sharon said with a shake of the head. "I guess that just means us girls can go at a much slower pace."

"And use your credit cards more often," Lindsay added with a grin.

"I'm gonna see that bill, just you remember that," Adam reminded her, shaking his finger.

"Hey, you need new clothes."

"I do not."

"Honey, as much as I respect the Van Halen t-shirt, I don't want to be seen with you in it."

"You are just dissing me all over today."

"I'm also getting you some pants that fit."

He grimaced at her while she sat down next to him and stole some of his cereal.

"What? I just want you to be acceptable to people with taste."

"So does that mean you have none?"

"Sure why not?"

"Then how are you going to pick out my clothes?"

"He's blinded me with logic."

* * *

"I don't get it, Linds," Sharon started, scrutinizing a dress to see if it would fit Hannah.

"What?"

"New York City is supposed to be the shopping capital of… well, of something. But you want to do your shopping here? In Phoenix?"

"Do you know how far I have to go for a regular shopping? I can buy a shirt here for twelve bucks or the same shirt at home for forty-five. On clearance."

"That bad?"

"That bad."

"I was afraid you would be shopped out."

"I never go shopping. Not just for fun anyway."

"Good."

"Besides you have a knack for finding really good deals."

"When you're married to an accountant you start to think like that."

"Mama!" Colton shouted from his stroller.

"What baby?"

"Nnn-dah!"

"Water? Your bottle is right there."

He just looked at her, his bottom lip coming out ever so slightly.

"You are your father," she sighed, putting the bottle in front of him. He took it slowly, looking it over before putting it into his mouth. "Silly goober."

"Carrie!"

Lindsay looked up at Sharon's greeting, seeing a blonde woman approaching them from across the store.

"Hey Sharon. I haven't seen you in so long!"

"I know, I think Hannah was still in diapers."

"How old is she now?"

"She just turned eight."

"Eight? Oh man, I must be getting old too."

They continued catching up and Lindsay left them to it, retying the shoe that Colton had managed to kick off again.

"Lindsay, I want to meet Carrie. She's been a family friend for… well about 25 years now."

"Nice to meet you."

"Carrie, this is my daughter-in-law."

Lindsay sensed something shift in the woman's eyes as they shook hands. It felt as if she was being sized up and put down all at once. It was just about the least comfortable she had ever been simply meeting someone in her life.

"Nice to meet you too," Carrie said after a second.

"And this is my grandson Colton," Sharon continued, oblivious to the awkwardness.

"Wow. He looks like Adam," Carrie said a little breathlessly.

"Yeah he does."

"Mama!"

"What, sweetie?" Lindsay asked, thankful for the distraction.

"Nuh."

"Nummies?"

She found a baggie of goldfish crackers in the diaper bag and put a few in the tray of his stroller, blocking out Sharon and Carrie's continued chatter and wondering how much longer this moment was going to last.

Apparently a lot longer.

"So we'll see you around six?" Sharon confirmed.

"Um, sure, six is good."

Carrie bid them a goodbye and headed back across the store.

"I figured we'd invite her over for dinner," Sharon explained with a smile. "I don't think she and Adam have seen each other since college. They were pretty good friends in school."

"He never mentioned her."

"Yeah, they weren't as close as they got older. She was always like a cousin to him though."

Lindsay nodded, wondering why she still felt so uncomfortable with the whole thing.

"You're starting to look shopped out my dear."

"Yeah maybe a little. Probably jet lag."

"Did you get everything you came for?"

"And more," she said with a little grin.

"Want to go?"

"Yeah. We can always come back later if I think of something."

"But of course. C'mon we'll get some coffee on the way home."

"You're my favorite mother-in-law of all time."

* * *

When they arrived home Dave was snoring on the couch while Adam and Hannah played in the pool. Lindsay helped Sharon put away the groceries they had stopped for, then took Colton upstairs so they could change into bathing suits. Colton giggled and patted his bare stomach as they walked back down the stairs, poking at his belly button as if he had never seen it before.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted as they came outside.

"Hey," Lindsay said, sitting down on the side of the pool and letting her feet dangle into the water.

"How was shopping?"

"I'm exhausted."

"Did you get a lot done?"

"I've got Austin's birthday done, half of Christmas, and you are the proud new owner of jeans that will fit your non-existent butt."

"You're awesome."

"So can I ask you a question?" she said, watching Colton closely as he played with a pebble he had found on the ground.

"Sure."

"Who's Carrie?"

"Who?"

"Carrie? Family friend for the last 25 years."

"Oh. Carrie."

"Who is she? And why did she give me the stink eye when your mom and I ran into her at the mall today?"

"Um…"

"You dated her."

"A little in high school."

"Adam."

"A little in college."

She fixed him with a stare, knowing there was more to it.

"Okay, we were talking about getting back together, she was going to move to New York."

"When?"

"Linds-"

"When, Adam?"

He sighed, letting water droplets fall from his hand to her knee.

"It was a month or so before you and I started dating," he confessed finally.

"What?"

"It was a long time ago, honey."

"You didn't think you needed to tell me?"

"You didn't tell me about Brian until a few months ago and even then it was only because you had that nightmare."

"That's not the same."

"Why are you so bugged?"

"I don't like the idea of you with anyone else."

"Babe, it's not me with anyone else. I have only ever really loved you. Whatever happened with anyone else is over and doesn't matter now."

"You guys had closure?"

"Linds, there was nothing to close. We were only ever together because we were both there."

"Did you end plans with her because of me?"

"Yes."

"Does she know that?"

"Yes."

"Adam."

"I'm sorry, honey. You and I were just… I knew something was happening with us and I knew she wasn't right for me."

"Adam, did you say that to her?"

"No, not like that. I was much nicer, believe me."

"No wonder she looked at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like they way Stella used to look at Peyton when she thought no one was looking."

"Ouch."

"There's still feelings on her end."

"Maybe, but there aren't any on mine."

"Well I guess that's good because your mom invited her for dinner."

"She did what?"

"It shouldn't be a problem, right?" she asked again with a mischievous smile.

"No, not at all," he sighed flicking a little water at her. "Hey Colton, want to come swim with daddy?"

Lindsay watched as they boys played together, Colton giggling and splashing as if this was the best day of his life. She supposed that the awkward meeting didn't matter, the look didn't matter, the past didn't matter, because when all was said and done, she was the one that was chosen and loved and cherished.


	65. Chapter 65

"Colton, please don't fight me right now."

He grunted and pushed the shirt away then rolled over and crawled towards the end of the bed, finding one of his toys and grabbing it happily. Lindsay grumbled and resisted the urge to rake her hands through her hair as she had just sprayed it perfectly into place. Why she was stressing out over how she was going to look in front of Adam's ex-girlfriend, she didn't know, but the fact that she was only made the stressing out worse.

She checked her watch and picked up the phone, staring at it for a minute before dialing.

"You again?"

"Thanks, Aust."

"Hey, what's the matter?"

"One of Adam's ex-girlfriends is coming over for dinner."

"Shut the front door. What?"

Lindsay quickly told her about the run-in at the mall nearly tripping over her description of what Adam and Carrie had been to each other.

"And his mom invited her for dinner?"

"I don't think she knows about them. Not everything anyway. Is it normal for me to feel like the wallflower who has to hang out with the head cheerleader and doesn't get to plot a revenge?"

"Oh so you want to dump pigs blood on her?"

"Should I have called Stella instead?"

"I'm sorry, Linds. I guess I just… I don't get it. He's with you. He picked you. Why do you feel like you have to prove something to her?"

"I don't know. Maybe I want to prove something to him. I don't want him to see her and regret that he ended things with her."

"Lindsay he is not dumb. He married you because he loves you. He'll never leave you and he is never going to regret marrying you. It doesn't matter who he dated before. And you know that as well as you know anything."

"Thanks for smackin' me in the face with my own idiocy."

"What are friends for? Now stop the sniffles."

"You could hear that?"

"Yeah. Don't ever do it in front of me, okay?"

"I won't."

"Seriously Linds. That man is madly, insanely, disgustingly in love with you. This dinner is going to be just fine and he is going to love you just as much by dessert. And don't worry about Carrie, she's just a friend of the family and feeling as weird about this as you are. Believe me, I have been through enough moments like this."

"You have?"

"Danny and I weren't together our whole lives Linds. He has his share of ex-girlfriends and I have my share of mistakes too. And sure, it might be a little awkward, but it's not so bad. I know you guys are different than us, but that doesn't mean this can't be just fine."

"Have you ever thought about quitting your job and making your fortune by giving wacky people pep talks? Cuz you do it really well."

"Nah, you knew that stuff already, you just had to hear it. Plus I can hear jet lag in your voice which is probably making you a little more stressed than you normally would be. And you're not on your home turf, so that's gonna make you feel vulnerable… and don't tell anyone I got this soft side, okay?"

"I'll take it with me to my grave."

"Good. Now go down there and have a laughable dinner and don't forget to tell me all about it, with embellishments."

"And voices?"

"And voices."

"Thanks Aust."

"You'd do the same for me."

"I'd try at least. Love you."

"Love you too."

She turned the phone off and looked over at Colton who smiled back at her and crawled across the bed, halfway then giggled.

"Oh come here you little tease!" she said reaching out and pulling him into her lap. He laughed as she tickled him and wrestled him playfully, forgetting her stresses and focusing completely on his happy face. He grinned and reached up, tugging on her hair. She laughed and blew a raspberry on his cheek, taking a second to just breathe him in.

"Hey, what's going on up here?" Adam asked, peeking around the door. "Sounds like you're having fun without me."

"Well we were trying get us presentable so we won't embarrass you," she said with a smile.

"Well getting dressed might be a good idea," he said, despite his love for her like she was now; barefooted in old comfortable jeans and a dark bra, her hair curling gently and resting on her shoulders, very little make-up on, her eyes dancing. He closed the door and crossed the room to her, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"You're beautiful, Linds."

"You say that a lot."

"I cannot tell a lie."

She smiled.

"It's almost six," she reminded him, breaking the intense gaze they had going.

"Yep. Some people in this room need shirts," he said tossing her the top she had earlier slung over the back of a chair. She pulled it over her head and adjusted her hair while Adam wrangled a shirt onto Colton and lifted him off the bed.

"Ready?"

"Yep."

He started to walk towards the door, then turned around and grabbed her waist pulling her to him in a searing kiss.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I know you do."

* * *

The greetings at the door seemed forced and off-kilter and Lindsay actually found herself feeling worse for Carrie than she did for herself. She could only watch in amusement and sympathy as Adam stumbled over his words, trying desperately to make this normal, but failing to the point where even his mother knew something was weird.

"I don't um… usually look like this," he said, motioning to his lack of beard. "I mean, I do for the most part, but I don't look so clean. I mean not that I look dirty or anything, but I-"

Lindsay couldn't take it anymore, feeling a bit of laughter starting in her stomach, and she gently placed her hand on his wrist. He slowed down and greeted Carrie properly and they all moved into the dining room. There was a moment of awkwardness, but once everyone had food in front of them and Sharon had started chattering everything felt okay. Lindsay mostly just listened to the conversations, finding herself delighted with stories of a young Adam that he would never have told her on his own.

She noticed that every three minutes or so, he would reach under the table and squeeze her hand or pat her knee or some other little gesture that no one else saw, but served to settle her more. She loved how well he knew her, even when he wasn't trying.

Colton yawned and slid his thumb into his mouth, looking up at Adam with big eyes and resting his head on the tray of his high chair.

"Dada?" he asked quietly.

"You want to get out of there, bud?" he asked, lifting him out of the chair. Colton sighed and rested his head on Adam's shoulder. "Must be time for bed."

"He didn't really nap today," Lindsay said softly. Colton grinned at her and popped his thumb out of his mouth, offering it to her in all its slobbery glory.

"No baby, you go ahead and keep that. I appreciate the gesture though."

She kissed him and stood up from the table, gathering the empty plates.

"Dear, you don't have to do that," Sharon said, starting to stand up too.

"No it's okay. I don't mind."

"Babe, how come you always mind when it's our dishes piled up in the sink?"

"Because you won't fix the dishwasher."

"Do you really want me trying to fix the dishwasher?"

"I guess you have a point, but it doesn't mean you're right," she retorted, taking a stack of plates into the kitchen.

"I don't know what I'm going to do with her."

"I heard that, Mister."

He shook his head and she grinned, setting the plates in the sink and turning the water on, dribbling a little soap in for good measure.

"Need help?"

Lindsay turned at Carrie's voice, nearly dropping the saucer she had been holding.

"Oh. Um… you don't have to. I mean, you can if you want. But you're the guest so you shouldn't have to."

"You caught Adam's word stumbling problem."

"Seems to be."

"This is kind of uncomfortable for me too."

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's my fault," Carrie started, setting the serving dishes on the counter. "I was kind of cold to you earlier today. And not really for any reason."

"I think you had a reason," Lindsay replied softly.

"I knew you two got married. I didn't know about Colton."

"Apparently not all word spreads fast."

"I still shouldn't have…" she trailed off with a sigh. "I kind of hated you. At least at first. You were this stranger that stole him from me. He was never really mine to begin with. He was yours from the second you met. I knew he was going to break it off with me, just from the way he talked about you. I guess I just kind of hoped that he wouldn't."

"I'm sorry-"

"No, don't be sorry. He's happy with you. I can see it in his eyes. I've known him for long enough to know that the way he has looked at everyone else doesn't even begin to come close to the way he looks at you."

"I've heard that a few times."

"He's been in my life for a long time and he's always going to be special to me. So you had better love him back just as much as he loves you."

"Don't worry. I do."

"Now that that is out of the way, I can tell you the ultimate Adam story that he would never want you to know."

"Spill it, woman."

* * *

"No offense babe, but you look really tired," Adam commented later that night as Lindsay turned off the bedroom light and cracked the window open.

"You could say that with the intent of being offensive and I would still agree with you."

She leaned down over the old playpen and tucked the blanket around Colton, brushing his hair back from his face before getting into bed herself.

Adam wrapped around her tightly, running his hand up and down her back before pressing a kiss to her forehead. She nuzzled into him and sighed, loving this time of night when it was just the two of them; when words were murmured softly, lips grazed over each other with a slowness that could have stopped the world.

"I heard giggling from the kitchen earlier," he noted, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Oh, Carrie was telling me something about a sunburn."

"She's a traitor."

"I like her."

"I figured you might."

She sighed and found his hand, tracing over the lines in the moonlight.

"Adam, do you ever wonder what life would be like if we hadn't ever met?"

"No. It's not exactly an idea I would like to entertain."

"But… we wouldn't know that we didn't know."

"Don't you think we would both feel like something was missing?"

"Yeah, probably."

"Linds, I'm glad you're the one I'd be missing."

"Right back at you. Thanks for picking me."

"Thanks for having me. Go to sleep baby."

"Kiss me goodnight?"

"Always."


	66. Chapter 66

"Looks like you're stuck with your old mom all day."

Adam turned around at his mother's voice, giving her a smile.

"Stuck? Nah. You mean I get to hang out with my relatively young mom all day."

"You're so sweet," she chuckled, patting his arm. "What time did the girls say they'd be back?"

"I'm not sure. Depends on how long Lindsay can stand Hannah's chatter."

"God bless her," Sharon said with a shake of her head. "I'm glad she agreed to take her riding. I get tired of going all the time."

"I think Lindsay was looking forward to it as much as Hannah was. She hasn't been on a horse since right before our wedding."

"You two have got to get out of the city more often."

"That's what we keep saying, but we never do it. Too lazy I guess."

"Hmm. Well, do you want to help me?"

"Depends. Help you do what?"

"Hannah's dance class is having a bake sale. I'm on cookie duty."

"Are you making snickerdoodles?"

"Probably."

"You need a taste tester? Because you know how good I am at that."

"I'll even let you sit on the counter."

He grinned and followed her into the kitchen, taking the baby monitor so he could hear if Colton woke up from his morning nap. He jumped up onto the counter and watched as Sharon gathered the cookie ingredients from the pantry, remembering all the times they had done this when he was a kid. Happy Saturday mornings after cartoons, when there would be flour all over and she would let him lick the spoon. He couldn't remember a time in his life when they didn't do this every once in a while. Even in high school, he remembered sitting in the kitchen and keeping her company as she cooked. It wasn't until he moved out that the habit fell by the wayside.

"How are Hannah's dance lessons coming? Is she getting any better?"

"No, I'm afraid she is too much like you. The grace of a hippo."

"Gee, thanks mom."

"I think it's cute. She looks so out of place, but she really loves it. They're going to start learning tap soon, so we'll see how that goes."

"She's a busy kid. Riding lessons, dancing lessons… what's next?"

"She wants to learn the piano."

"Yikes."

"Just because you hated piano lessons…"

"Boys shouldn't take piano lessons mom. That's the only reason I hated 'em. Lindsay loved hers. I think it's a girl thing."

"Possible. We'll try it out and see how she does. She's also mentioned karate, science club and painting. I think we need to work on narrowing her focus a little."

"Maybe so. She reminds me of me."

"You mean hyperactive?"

"I prefer excitably curious."

She snickered and poured some flour into a measuring cup, then handed him a bowl and a sifter. He smiled and began to sift the flour with a practiced hand, making sure not to spill any on the counter.

"Well either way, your sister thinks you're the most incredible human being on the planet, which only makes me that much more nervous."

"Oh don't worry. She's no where near as devious as I was."

"Even still. She's convinced you hung the moon."

"I did hang the moon mom, didn't you know?"

"You do have a lot of adoring fans that will attest to that fact."

"I guess I do."

"I suppose I did raise a pretty good boy."

"And all by yourself too," he added with a grin.

"Pretty much."

"Speaking of which," he started, clearing his throat. "A couple months ago… well, let me back up… somehow he… I guess that…"

"What are you trying to say?"

"He showed up a couple months ago."

"Your dad."

"My father," he corrected.

"Showed up where?"

"At my front door."

Sharon sighed and beat the eggs a little harder, the anger evident on her face.

"What did he want?"

"What he said and what he wanted are probably two different things. He claimed to want to talk, apologize for not being in my life. I think what he really wanted was a new foothold in manipulation."

"That sounds like him."

"I was mad at first, but I realize that it doesn't really matter. I'm an adult now, I have the power to make him go away."

"Yeah."

"But it kind of made me think…"

"About?"

"Why you didn't leave him sooner. Why it took… what it took for you to finally get out."

She turned away from him, grabbing the milk out of the fridge and spending quite a while looking for the vanilla without saying a word.

"Mom, I'm not trying to gang up on you or something. I just want to know. What did he do that made you so afraid?"

"Adam, it's ancient history."

"It's not that ancient."

"I was young. I married him when I was eighteen years old and I didn't know anything about the world. You were born and everything was fine for a while. He only hit me at first. I thought you would be okay. I didn't think we could survive without him. I had never had a job and if I left I didn't know how I would take care of you. So I stayed."

"But then he started hitting me."

"I was so stuck, Adam. I wanted to leave so bad, but I couldn't. I told him I would leave if he touched you again and he would be good for a while, but then something would set him off."

"That went on for years before you left. Why did it take CPS getting involved for you to leave?"

"Because that was when I finally found somewhere I could go, somewhere I could work and take care of you and not have to worry about him. I hate myself for not trying hard enough. Anything would have been better than living there, and I know that now, but I was so naïve at the time. I lived the first ten years of my life with my dad who was just like yours. My grandparents took me in after that, but I still didn't know any different."

"I guess I understand that."

"There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had gotten out sooner. I wish I could take back every pain you had. But I can't. I am so sorry that you had to go through that because I was too scared and too selfish to leave."

He nodded, looking down at his shoes before she walked over and placed her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her.

"But son, no matter what happened, no matter how much I messed up, I always loved you. I always have and I always will. You were the first perfect thing in my life and you still are. I didn't leave him because of my own fears. I let myself think I was protecting you and keeping you provided for. I am so sorry for that son. Do you know that? Do you know I love you?"

He slid off of the counter and wrapped her in a hug.

"Of course I know that, mom. I always knew that. And I don't blame you for what happened."

"Can you forgive me for not standing up for you?"

"You've been forgiven for a long time, mom. What really matters is that you did get out. You ran and you didn't let him come back. And then you married a man who showed me what a real father should be. Those two things make up for the rest."

"I've always been afraid to say anything. Afraid that you were mad at me or resented me for it. I was afraid you would never forgive me."

"Well now you know."

"Has your dad been back since?" she asked, slightly changing the subject when he let her go.

"He called once. Don't mention that to Lindsay, by the way."

"She doesn't like it?"

"She gets a little... protective of me."

"What did he call for?"

"Same thing. He asked about you that time though. I hung up on him. I just can't believe that he is truly trying to make amends. It's just a power thing."

"Probably."

"Anyway, that's probably enough about him. Are you just making cookies today or do you think you can make those pecan bars?"

"If you want to go to the store for pecans, you've got it."

"You're the best."

* * *

"Don't you want a cookie too Adam?" Hannah asked, dipping her cookie into the glass of milk that sat next to her. They were sitting on the side of the pool in the dark telling stories and laughing, something they had done many times before, but not in a long time.

"Nah, I already had some cookies today. A lot actually."

She nodded and drug her foot through the water then sighed.

"Do you really gotta leave tomorrow?"

"Yeah squirt. We do."

"But I don't want you to go."

"I know."

"Remember when you used to live here all the time? Don't you want to do that again?"

"Han, I can't."

"You moved to New York. Can't you move back?"

"It's not that simple. Lindsay and I have our jobs in New York and all our friends."

"But you don't got me there."

"No, you're right, we don't. And both of us wish all of our family could be in one place all the time. But we can't."

"Every time you come here you have to leave again," she whispered, a tear sliding down her cheek.

"Hey, don't cry sweetie. I might always have to leave, but I always come back too, don't I?"

"It's always a long, long time."

"I know."

"You're my only brother! I never get to be with you."

"I know Hannah. But remember what I told you when I moved?"

"What?"

"I'm always going to be your brother and I am always going to love you the most, no matter how big the world is and how far apart we are. If you ever need me, I'll be there. If you're happy, I'll be there. If you're sad I'll be there. If you get your heart broken, I'll be there. And no matter what happens, for the rest of your life, I will be there."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight, sniffling a little.

"When will you come back?"

"I don't know. But I'm still going to call you a lot. And you can talk to me on Skype, and you can keep sending letters and I'll write you back. We're not really that far apart squirt."

"Okay. But I'm still going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too. But that makes it even better when we finally see each other again, right?"

"Yep!" she agreed with a watery grin.

"Good. You want to see if mom will let you watch a movie before bed?"

"Yeah! Can we watch Nemo?"

"Sure."

"Can Lindsay watch with us?"

"If she wants to."

"I am gonna sit in the middle and hold the popcorn so don't you get any funny ideas about hogging it all, got it mister?"

"I got it."

Smiling, they went inside where Lindsay and Sharon were finishing the dinner dishes and Dave was playing on the floor with Colton.

"Mom, can I stay up and watch a movie?" Hannah asked, putting her empty milk glass into the dishwasher. "Please, please, please?"

"Well… if you go and get in your pajamas first, I guess you can stay up."

"Yes!" she squealed, pumping her arm over her head in glee. "Lindsay will you watch with me and Adam?"

"You'll have to start without me because Colton needs a bath, but I'll come down after that."

"Okay. Adam, you gotta make popcorn."

"Yes ma'am."

He went to the pantry and found a bag of popcorn, putting it in the microwave while Hannah darted upstairs to change her clothes. She came back a minute later in princess pajamas, her baby blanket tucked securely under her arm. He could tell she was tired and knew she would probably fall asleep within the hour but he wasn't going to begrudge her one movie.

He took the popcorn out of the microwave and they went into the other room, settling in on the couch after putting the movie in.

"Hannah, do you remember when we went to the movie theatre to see this?"

"Nope."

"Well, you were only two. But you loved it. You didn't stop talking about Nemo for weeks."

"I bet mom and daddy didn't like that."

"They were less than amused."

They continued to watch the movie in silence, Hannah leaning forward, enraptured in the brightly colored undersea world. Adam watched her in amusement. She'd seen the movie probably twenty times, but still looked at it as if she didn't know what was coming next.

Lindsay slipped into the room after a while, sitting down on the other side of Hannah who smiled and leaned into her with a sigh. Adam caught Lindsay's eye and winked and she reached her hand across the back of the couch to hold his.

Hannah was asleep a while later, snoring gently, her hair spilling into her face.

"Should we put her to bed?" Lindsay whispered.

"Yeah, I'll take her."

He stood up and leaned down for her, lifting her gently into his arms.

"No," she murmured, rubbing her eyes. "I want Lindsay."

"How about I'll carry you upstairs and Lindsay can tuck you in?"

"Mmkay."

They went upstairs and Adam carefully lowered Hannah to her mattress, handing her the stuffed dog that she always slept with. She rolled over onto her side and Adam leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"Night squirt."

"Night."

He traded places with Lindsay who repeated his action.

"Thanks for takin' me riding today Lindsay."

"You're welcome sister girl. I love you."

"I love you too."

They slipped from the room, closing the door softly behind them.

"So hey stranger for a day," Adam whispered, pulling her into a hug. "When was the last time I talked to you, this morning?"

"I think so," she answered, keeping her arms around him and her face buried in his shoulder. "Did you have fun with your mom?"

"Yeah, we got some talking done. It was good, we needed it. What about you?"

"I may be in shape, but I am not in shape to ride a horse."

"Sore?"

"Want to give me a back rub?"

"Let me go lock up."

She went into the bedroom and changed her clothes, then picked up a little and made sure they had everything they had brought with them in one spot so they wouldn't forget anything in the morning. She was almost certain some of Colton's toys had been stolen by the dog, but he hadn't seemed to notice.

She stretched out on the bed, pulling a pillow under her head and sighing sleepily. It was going to be weird to go from a king sized bed to a queen when they got home, but she was already thinking of ways to persuade Adam to upgrade. She's mentioned it once already and he had refused, saying most of the bed would go to waste since they both slept in the middle anyway. She couldn't fault his logic on that one, but she was working a way around it.

"You're not conked out already are you?"

"No, but I'm close."

She heard him slip out of his jeans and t-shirt, and he crawled onto the bed next to her, stooping down to kiss her cheek.

"So I've been thinking," he said, his hands kneading at her shoulders.

"Uh-oh."

"Don't uh-oh just yet. You might like this idea."

"Okay, continue."

"I was thinking that it might be time for us to start looking for a bigger place."

"Why?"

"Because ours is tiny. Colton's going to be more mobile soon and he's going to need some more room. And if we ever have another one, there is no way we can fit four people in what we've got now."

"You want to start looking?"

"Not immediately, but I want to think about it at least. We can afford something a little bigger than what we've got. It's worth looking into."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"You don't seem thrilled."

"Whatever we do is fine with me, honey. We could live in a cardboard box or a cave or a tent and I wouldn't care as long as I was with you."

"Queen of Hyperbole."

"You know what I mean. And it's definitely something to think about."

"Thank you."

"But can I ask you one question?"

"What?"

"Do you want this because you want it or because you miss having a yard and neighbors more than eighteen inches away?"

"Maybe both."

"Okay, we'll think about it. Under one condition."

"What?"

"We get a bigger bed."

"We'll think about it."

She giggled and rolled her eyes, then reached up and tugged on his wrist, encouraging him to lay down with her. He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arms tightly around her joining in her watching of the night sky.

"Geography, manicured lawns and square footage don't matter, Adam. Because this right here is home."


	67. Chapter 67

"I really appreciate you doin' this, Linds," Danny said, handing her the diaper bag. "It took me forever to convince Austin that it's not selfish for the two of us to go to dinner."

"It's not a problem. She's got to get out of the house more often than to go to work anyway."

"I figure her birthday is a good a time as any. We won't be too late tonight. I'll have my cell on if you need anything."

"I think we'll be okay Danny."

"But it's just you with two kids."

"Adam will be home in a few hours. I promise, we're going to be just fine. You go, have a good time, don't worry about us."

He nodded and carefully handed a sleeping Isabeth to her.

"I think there's enough bottles in the bag and I remembered to pack some diapers this time too."

"Danny, you're going to be late if you don't leave soon."

"I know, I'm outta here," he said, leaning down to kiss his daughter. "Bye baby girl. I love you."

He turned and left the apartment and Lindsay locked the door behind him, setting the diaper bag on the floor next to the couch. She sat down in the overstuffed chair, pulling her legs up underneath her and cuddling Isa close. Colton looked up from where he sat on the floor giving her a questioning look and crawling over to investigate just who had taken over his space on mama's lap. Grunting, he pulled himself up into a standing position and tugged on her foot, trying to get her to pick him up too. She sighed and lifted him as best she could and he grinned, looking down at Isa and feeling a little less threatened.

"Mama?"

"What baby?"

He smiled and stretched out, laying his head on Isa's stomach and popping his thumb into his mouth.

"Well okay, I guess we can work with this."

She moved a little so her arms wouldn't fall asleep and reached down to pop the foot rest out. She could have gotten up and put both sleepy kids in the crib, but she was so tired herself it sounded like too much work. She could feel her breathing slowing down and her eyelids getting heavy and she went ahead and gave in.

* * *

"Hey Mother Goose."

Lindsay opened her eyes and yawned, wondering how long she'd been asleep. Both kids were still sacked out, but Lindsay was sure they would be up soon.

"Are you home early?"

"A little bit. I thought you might need an extra hand, but it looks like you've got it covered."

"You wanna help me get up?"

Adam took Colton from her and she stood up from the chair, trying not to wake Isa.

"Want to order some dinner? I'm thinking a little spicy Chinese."

"Sounds good. Let's go put these two down."

They went into the bedroom and managed to get Colton down, but Isa woke up, grumbling loudly at being disturbed.

"Hey sweet girl," Lindsay greeted, kissing her sleep sagged cheek. "Are you hungry?"

"She looks like Austin when she screams."

"I'll be sure to pass that along," Lindsay chuckled as they moved out of the room. She found formula in the diaper bag and made a bottle quickly. "Honey, do you want to feed her?"

"Yeah sure. Hand her over."

She chuckled and handed him the baby and the bottle, finding it even more endearing to see him with a girl.

"Hey princess," he greeted as she clamped her mouth around the bottle and stopped crying. "There, is that better?"

He wiped the tears from her cheeks and kissed her forehead, smiling when she looked up at him.

"I'm going to order dinner," Lindsay said, leaning over the back of the couch and kissing him. "Holler if you need me."

He nodded and she went into the kitchen, grabbing the phone on the way. She found the menu for their favorite Chinese place and perused it slowly, trying to narrow down the list from everything that looked good to what they would actually finish. She finally settled on a few things and placed the order, then moved to the counter to sort the mail. She could peek through to the other room, and smiled as she watched Adam talking to Isa. She always knew that she and Austin would bond with each other's children, but she didn't know Danny and Adam would take the same cues.

She walked out of the room and joined them on the couch, adjusting Isa's sock.

"Dinner will be here in half an hour."

"Good, I'm starved."

"I'm sorry, Ribsy," she chuckled, running her hand over his side. She turned so she was facing him more, then scooted closer and rested her chin on his shoulder. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"You think we can actually do anything with two kids running around?"

"Maybe if we hedge our bets. I was thinking we might be able to break out of our tie on Super Smash Brothers. I'll be Yoshi."

"What do you think Is, can your aunt Lindsay beat me?"

"I already had this talk with her and she is always on my side."

"Well then I guess we're going to have to break out the controllers and see what's what."

"I think we are the only thirty-somethings in the world that spend half their married life playing video games."

"Does that bug you?"

"Nah, I think it makes us memorable."

"Dorky."

"Lovable."

"Losers."

"Hey, at least we're together."

"Yeah and probably have a way better marriage than people who don't play video games."

"Or anyone for that matter."

"I think so too."

She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, yawning a little.

"Hey Linds, do you think we can have a girl next time?"

She lifted an eyebrow and smirked a little, running her hand over Isa's face.

"I don't really have any control over that buddy."

"I guess not, but we can wish it, right?"

"Hon, why do you keep talking about having more kids?"

He shrugged and wiped a bit of formula off Isa's cheek.

"No reason in particular. Just something I think about sometimes. Don't you?"

"I'm too tired to think about it."

"I know. But every once in a while… I mean, you don't see it being just the three of us forever, do you?"

"No. I just figure it'll happen when it happens. We didn't plan on Colton, did we?"

"No, he kind of took us by surprise."

"I would rather be surprised. Because if we plan on it and it doesn't happen, we're both going to be disappointed."

"Maybe."

"I'd rather just do things without a plan. Because then it's always a happy surprise."

He smiled and kissed her.

"Okay, we'll be surprised, but don't jinx us or we'll end up with triplets and I don't think we would be very good at that."

"I'll do my best."

"As long as we don't give up practicing…"

"Adam."

"I love making you squirm."

She rolled her eyes and picked up the remote, turning the TV on and flipping through the channels, coming on a rerun of Cops.

"Doesn't it make you homesick when someone is trying to get away from the cops and they're drivin' a car with a homemade spoiler on the back?"

"That's not Montana, that's Kentucky!"

"All you hicks are the same to me."

Her jaw dropped and she applied a painful pinch to his arm.

"Hey, I was just teasing!"

She smiled and kissed the spot she had hurt, then rubbed his neck. She was about to make another smart remark when Colton started crying in the other room.

"I thought for sure he would stay down longer than that," she said, lifting herself off the couch.

"He found out we've got food coming."

She chuckled and made her way into the bedroom finding Colton standing up in his crib, holding onto the sides and crying pathetically.

"What's going on in here?" she asked, picking him up. He wrapped his arms around her neck and held on while she moved into the other room. She stopped on the way to the couch to grab him a few crackers.

"Dada!"

"Hey buddy. Did you have fun with mama today?"

"Dada," he replied, tugging on his arm.

"Oh I see what your deal is. Jealous at such a young age."

Colton made a face and grabbed Isa's foot, giving it a little pull. She squawked and spit the bottle out angrily while Adam chuckled and sat her up.

"Colton, you can't hurt girls."

"I think he just wants his daddy. Give me the girl."

They swapped kids and Colton smiled happily, biting into his cracker then offering half to Adam.

"No thanks man."

Frowning, Colton tucked the cracker into the pocket on Adam's shirt and patted it gently.

"Good thinkin'. Saving it for later."

Lindsay grinned and set the now empty bottle on the coffee table. Isa smiled up at her and stuck a finger in her mouth, drooling slightly.

"What's going on, pretty girl? You look so much happier now that you're fed. Do you want to play? Should we see what kind of toys Colton's got that you can steal?"

Isa hiccupped a giggle and Lindsay moved down to the floor with her, finding a few toys for her. Colton squealed and wiggled off of Adam's lap, crawling across the floor to them. He sat next to Isa and pounded on his toy drum with a rattle while she just stared up at him, unimpressed. He gave her the rattle and she turned it over and over in her hand then pounded on the floor with it. Colton giggled and crawled over to the toy basket, pulling out the drumstick that went with the drum. He pounded on the basket happily then frowned and dumped the basket, then started randomly drumming on different toys.

"He is so your kid," Lindsay commented, rolling her eyes up to Adam who grinned and got off the couch to join the kids on the floor. He was gentle with Isa, making sure Colton's drumstick stayed away from her head and that she had enough toys, while he still managed to keep his son entertained. Lindsay watched him with a smile, seeing once again what a wonderful man she had fallen in love with.


	68. Chapter 68

"Colton, don't pull the diapers down," Lindsay admonished, her words futile as the basket of diapers came tumbling down to the ground. He laughed and clapped his hands then grabbed a diaper and flung it across the room, watching delightedly as it hit the wall.

"Oh my word," Lindsay sighed, ignoring the mess for the time being and continuing to sort clothes. Everything that was too big went into one pile, too small into another, and just right into yet another pile. She was making a list of the clothes Colton was going to need soon and the idea of putting him in the next size up made her head spin.

"Mama."

"Colton Matthew Ross. What did you do that for?" she asked despairingly, looking down at the pile of wipes he had pulled out of the container and spread on the floor. Abandoning her project she moved over and put the wipes back then stood up and scooped Colton off the floor, depositing him in the crib.

"You're driving me nuts, kid," she explained, closing the window and turning on his nightlight. He grumped at her but she ignored him, tucking his blanket around him and making sure his new favorite toy, a stuffed Mario was in easy reach. He wailed as she moved away from the crib, but it was his naptime anyway and he'd been getting away with not sleeping during the day a lot lately.

She moved out of the room and into the kitchen where a weeks worth of dishes waited for her. Groaning, she yanked the hot water on and let the sink slowly fill before going to the dryer and pulling out the load that Adam had started before he left for work. She shook out the pillowcases and was shaking out the sheet when she realized that something was very wrong.

He'd dried the cotton sheets on high, shrinking them. It could have happened to anyone, and it probably would have happened to her had she been the one to start the load. It didn't make her feel any better though and she wondered if there was an easy way to fix this problem. Figuring she would just make the bed as best she could, she took the sheets into the bedroom and threw them on the floor, then stood there a second, debating whether or not she should make it now or later.

A splashing noise from the kitchen made her decision and she went back in there to find hot soapy water overflowing the sink and landing on the floor. She cursed and grabbed the hand towel off of the counter and tossed it on the floor, then shut the water off. Definitely not her day. She mopped up the floor and came up with a dirty towel, sighing as she realized the floor needed to actually be mopped. She looked from the dishes to the floor, trying to decide which to conquer first when there was a knock on the door. Glad for the distraction, she wiped her hands on her jeans and went to the door.

"Hey Aust. What's up?"

"We're going to meet Danny for lunch, I figured I'd drop off the Tupperware you left the other night."

"Oh, thanks."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just a long day."

"You look three sighs and a couple curses past just a long day."

"Maybe."

"I'm running about ten minutes early; you want to talk about it?"

"It's not a big deal. It's just that Adam and I are both working about sixty hours this week and they don't overlap, which means we're never home together either."

"So you're not sleeping and you miss him."

"It's bad. He gets home from work just as I have to leave and then I come home and lay down with him for an hour or two before he has to leave and then I don't get any more sleep once he's gone. I guess we're lucky that one of us is always home with Colton, but we only see each other long enough to pass him off. I don't think we've really talked to each other in at least three days, if not more. You know how it's been, Danny's been working a lot too."

"He hasn't been home much either. But I'm still only part time, so I still get to see him. When's your next shift?"

"Four. Adam gets off at three then I go in and come home after midnight and then Adam's leaving because he pulled graves for the next three days."

"How long have you been doing this?"

"Almost two weeks."

"No wonder you look so sad."

"It'll be over soon. Mac said that the people that are on vacation will all be back sometime in the next week or so. That should help a little, but we've got a huge case and everyone is having to testify on other cases and it's just crazy right now."

"Can I do anything?"

"Put more hours in a day."

"I'll work on it. You should go take a nap."

"I can't. This place has gone to pot and it's driving me crazy. I have to clean it up."

"Stubborn."

"I know."

"I'm going to go, but seriously, if you need anything…"

"You'll be my first call."

* * *

It was only an eight hour shift, comparatively short when taken into account the ten hour ones they had both had to pull lately. She arrived home at half past midnight, finding Adam sitting on the couch, putting his shoes on. He looked even more tired than she was, but she was only going to have nine hours between shifts too. Of course he hadn't slept much, as he had had to play daddy while she was at work. He was probably running on about four hours, interrupted. She looked right at him and missed him so much she could almost cry.

"How was work?"

"I don't want to depress you, but it still feels like we're drowning in trace and fingerprints and bodily fluids."

"Thanks for the image babe. I gotta go."

"Alright."

"I'll see you in the morning."

"For thirty seconds."

"Hey, c'mere."

She took one stop closer to him and he framed her face with his hands kissing her softly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"We've got to stop meeting like this."

"Yes please."

He kissed her a few more times then reluctantly let her go, heading for the door.

"Go get some sleep honey. This craziness will be over soon."

She sighed and watched him go, sinking down to the couch and fighting the tears of exhaustion that were creeping up on her. This was no way to live and she wasn't sure how much longer she could stand it. She missed whispering in the dark, about nothing and everything at the same time. She missed being held securely all night long. She missed waking up still in his arms, safe and rested and content. She missed morning make-out sessions and racing for the coffee pot and fighting over the last serving of cereal. She missed long goodbyes and long hellos and the ability to steal five minutes to at least have a conversation. They usually worked opposite shifts, but had their days off together to make up for it. But this was too much.

She rubbed her face and sighed, then stood up from the couch and locked the front door, switching off all the lights. She didn't need to check on Colton, his snoring was indication enough that he was fine. Flicking the hall light off, she moved into the bedroom, exchanging her clothes for one of Adam's t-shirts and crawling under the covers. She grabbed his pillow and pulled it under her head, then reached over and set the alarm. It wasn't like she wasn't going to be up all night anyway, tossing and turning, trying to convince herself that she in fact could sleep without him.

She closed her eyes and clenched up every muscle in her body, then slowly released them, letting out a long sigh at the same time. It certainly calmed her body but not her mind, which continued to ruminate on that fact that she was alone. She couldn't remember how she had ever slept without him.

Rolling over, she figured that she might as well use her mind if it was going to be running anyway. She focused it all on one memory, trying to make herself believe that she was back there, living it again.

Rain pounded against the window and there was a thunderclap or two in the distance. His forehead rested against hers and he held her completely against him, safe and warm. Quiet words were passed between them, words of love and hope and future, eyes locking and promising what was said. She felt herself giving in to sleep, her breathing slower and slower until she hovered somewhere between beautiful dreams and wonderful reality, and she found herself unsure of which one to surrender to. A soft pressing of his lips to hers told her that it was okay to slide into sleep; he'd join her there soon and when she woke up he would be there too. It was the first time in her whole life that she had felt so wonderfully cherished and cared for, not even one grain of doubt in her mind, not one voice telling her she didn't deserve this. She melted into him, whole and refined and safe.

Rewind.

Replay.

Over and over the memory ran and she desperately grabbed onto the feelings, settling them into her mind and heart and using them as a sort of security blanket to fall asleep. The more she played the memory over the further away sleep drifted. She couldn't fake herself into that kind of sanctuary, even if she did lay there for over two hours trying.

Frustrated, she sat up, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them, debating her next move. She could try a sleeping pill, but she didn't have the allotted eight hours to sleep now. She could get up and at least do something constructive, but she desperately needed sleep in some form or another. Reluctantly, she did the only thing she could think of to do and picked up the phone.

"Hey honey. What's the matter?"

His voice calmed her immediately and she snuggled back down into the covers, wrapping herself around his pillow again.

"I can't sleep."

"Why not?"

"I miss you," she confessed, her voice betraying her and cracking pitifully.

"Oh babe…"

"I've been laying here for two hours and I can't even get close to sleeping. I am so tired and I miss you and I just want you here."

"Do you want me to take a long lunch break and come home for a little while?"

"No don't do that. I think I just needed to hear you."

"Want me to stay on the phone for a while?"

"Will you? I'm sorry to call you, I just-"

"Hey. I miss you too sweetie. I don't like sleeping without you either. I can talk for a while."

She sniffled and wiped her eyes, glad he understood her so well.

"You want to hear what your son did today?" he asked, and she could tell he was smiling.

"My son? Must have been bad."

"He went into the kitchen and pulled all the pots out of the cupboard and chucked that little saucepan across the room. It hit the wall. You might notice a little chunk out of it. That would be where the handle hit."

"What is it with him throwing crap lately?"

"I don't know. I guess Danny's thing about him being a baseball player might come true."

"He's going to be too short to play football at least."

"Or basketball."

"Poor kid."

"Oh honey, I hate to do this to you, but I've got some results that Stella needs to see now. I gotta go."

"Okay."

"Sometime in the next few days I'm going to figure out a way to snag a couple hours together, I promise."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. Goodnight."

She couldn't squeak out the goodnight without crying so she just hung up.

* * *

It was over three days before he made good on his promise. The best he could do was switch shifts with Danny, who was more than happy to oblige since it freed up his time a little more too. He decided to surprise Lindsay with the extra time, not jumping up to head out the door as soon as she came home. She gave him a quick kiss and headed into the other room, oblivious to the fact that he was following her.

"Now just you wait a minute little lady," he said, sliding his arms around her waist, his breath warm on her ear.

"Don't you have to leave?" she asked, letting out a shuddering breath at the slight contact.

"Nope. Not until morning."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

She turned and wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shirt and holding on tighter than she ever had before.

"I don't want to do this ever again," she confessed, leaning back to look at him. He brushed her hair back and gave her a smile.

"I know, it sucks. But I don't want to think about that right now. I'd rather just look at you."

She smiled and reached up to run her hand over his face, taking in his bright and mischievous smile, his tired eyes. She could tell how desperately he had missed her too, and her heart tore just a little to remember the feeling.

"Where's Colton?"

"Austin's got him."

"That sure you were going to get lucky?"

He gave her an incredulous look.

"Well… it's you."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she asked with a laugh.

"I think you know."

Smirking, she slid her arms up around his neck and kissed him.

"So how long do we have?"

"Until eight. She said she could have both kids until then alone, but after that she couldn't guarantee her own sanity."

"Well at least she's honest."

His hands found her waist and held her close, nuzzling her neck softly.

"I missed you, baby."

"I missed you too."

They stood there for a long time, letting their shared existence speak the words they could not.


	69. Chapter 69

"Hey good morning half stranger. What are you doing?"

Lindsay chuckled at the greeting and lifted Colton out of his high chair.

"Rockin' the mommy thing. You?"

"Same! Small world after all."

"You're chipper, Aust."

"Danny bought some coffee that tastes like Jack Daniels."

"Well that'll do it. What's up?"

"I was just thinkin' that I haven't seen you in a while. And I'm off today, and you're off today and if you're not busy maybe we could grab lunch."

"What if I told you that I am busy?"

"I would be sad."

"Are you sure there wasn't real Jack in that coffee?"

"Are you really busy?"

"I have to go to the store."

"And how long will that take?"

"Well, it's the store store, not the bodega."

"Why the heck would you do that?" Austin asked, completely befuddled.

"Because," Lindsay chuckled. "Sometimes I need stuff that they don't sell at the bodega, or I can get them cheaper somewhere else. And sometimes I also have coupons from said store that I need to use. Sometimes I need to drop off a roll of film I found in the back of the junk drawer."

"See, now when I have something like that that means I can't go to the bodega, I say screw it."

"You are such a city girl. Want to go with me?"

"Sure. I must find out about this store store thing."

"You act like you've never been anywhere."

"It's part of my mystique."

"You are such a dork. Hey, by the way, I found a pair of Colton's jeans that don't fit him anymore, but they have a hole in the knee, so I thought you might want them for Isa."

"Yes please. Why doesn't anyone make holey baby jeans?"

"It's injustice I tell you," she replied with a chuckle. "We need to find her a leather jacket to go with it."

"Mind-reading. This is why we work, Linds."

"It's not so much mind reading as it is thinking what I would think and then taking it one step further."

"I don't know if I'm insulted or not."

"Don't worry, you're not. I'll swing by and pick you guys up in like… an hour? My child needs a bath before he's presentable."

"Messy breakfast?"

"Sometimes I think it will be easier to just let him feed himself. I regret it every time."

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

"You sound like Hawkes."

"I did learn that from him."

"I'll see you in a little while," she said with a grin.

"Bye."

They hung up and Lindsay looked down at Colton, grimacing at the oatmeal in his hair. He smiled back up at her, showing off his most recent tooth and clapping happily.

"I don't think you could look more like your daddy if you tried," she said, picking him up and heading to the bathroom.

"Dada," he shouted, looking around for Adam.

"He went to work. I know, I shouldn't have mentioned him. Let's get you cleaned up, okay?"

He sighed as she started the water, then seemed to forget about missing his daddy once she gave him a bath toy to distract him. He was easy to please most of the time, and a change of pace could change his entire demeanor. Exactly like his father.

* * *

"You weren't kidding about coupons," Austin said with a raised eyebrow, looking down at the handful of small papers Lindsay held.

"Hey, you just watch me get some diapers for cheap."

"How cheap?"

"Find clearance diapers, and then I have a store coupon for two dollars off, and a brand coupon for three dollars off. If the stars align I could get 200 diapers for less than ten bucks."

"I marvel at this and yet I could never clip coupons."

"I'm cheap."

"That's what the boys say down at the docks."

"Walked right into that one."

"I am pretty sure you even saw it coming," Austin smirked, adjusting Isa on her hip. "Oh my word, you have a list too?"

"What?"

"You're an after school snack kind of mom, aren't you?"

"I guess I am. While you're the kind of mom that all the neighborhood kids will think is the only cool adult in existence."

"You're the mom that lets them play video games."

"You're the mom that lets them cuss."

"I am pretty cool."

"Let's just say this; between the two of us, our kids are going to be really popular."

"That is, after all, the most important thing."

"Definitely."

"Geez, this store really does have everything," Austin remarked as they passed by the electronics section. "And much classier than Wal-Mart. Bravo."

"That's what I think too."

"So what's on your list?"

"A lot of stuff. I usually put off a store store trip for as long as I can. Then I need more of what I needed before and then I put off the trip longer because I don't want to spend the money, but then I end up spending more because once I go it's a months worth of stuff rather than just two weeks."

"Vicious circle."

"Very much."

"Does it bother you that Colton is chewing on the cart?"

"Oh gross," she sighed, lifting his head up from the cart. "Every single time. You'd think we didn't feed him enough or something."

"I think those cheeks tell a different story."

"They are getting quite large. I think he's storing up for winter."

"He needs to give Isa some tips on eating. She gets bored with it really fast and moves on to something else. Like tossing her bottle on the floor and letting it roll under the couch where I don't find it for three weeks."

"That's lovely."

"I have a feeling she is going to create a lot more lovely moments as she gets more mobile."

"Kids tend to do that."

"She army crawled across the kitchen last night. The dog bit her diaper and drug her back."

"Was she mad?"

"She screamed her head off."

"She's nothing if not clear in her opinions."

"Exactly."

"Kind of like someone I know."

"My mom always said she hoped I had a child just like me."

"You're so in for it."

"I'm scared."

* * *

They spent the next hour browsing the store, doing more talking and giggling than actual shopping, but feeling quite accomplished all the same. By the time they loaded the purchases and the kids into the car they were exhausted however, and plunked down into their seats, loathe to move enough to even buckle their seatbelts.

"And that is why I put this off as long as I can."

"No kidding. Hey, where are the pictures? I want to see what was on that mystery roll."

Lindsay found the envelope in her purse and opened it, grinning at the first picture.

"Oh my word. We were so young," she commented, handing the picture to Austin. "That was like three years ago when Hannah came to stay with Adam. He let her play with his camera and apparently we were her favorite subjects."

"This must have been before you and I were even friends," she commented, slowly looking through the stack of pictures.

"I know. A whole lifetime ago."

"Why are you guys laying on the kitchen floor?"

"We were making cookies and we sat down on the floor to play cards… not sure how we ended up laying down though."

"Looks like Hannah adores her big brother."

"She does. He loves her right back though."

"Looks like you're pretty smitten with him too."

Lindsay grinned as she looked at the picture, both of them sitting on the counter with a bowl of cookie dough between them, facing each other and laughing. The picture captured so much about them in a blink of a moment. They way they looked at each other, their smiles and happy eyes, the fact that they were fighting over the spoon with the cookie dough on it, the way their legs dangled off the counter and their feet twisted together. So much had changed since then, but so much had stayed the same as well.

"He makes me happy," she said wistfully.

"I can tell."

"I kind of can't stop looking at it."

"I can't believe I'm about to say this, but um… it's sorta precious."

"That was a hard word for you to say."

"It was all I could think of besides cute and that didn't seem to… stop laughing at me, Lindsay!"

"Sorry."

"It's just… it's like a picture of when you fell in love. Danny and I don't have one of those."

"Austin, you two have been falling in love since you were kids. Every picture is a picture of that."

"Not right in the thick of it like this though."

"Not like this, but we're different. Sometimes I think I would kill to have that history you guys have."

"And I would love to know what it's like to meet someone and fall in love as adults."

"So we're just always going to be jealous of each other?"

"To some degree, I think yes."

"Well at least we can admit it. Though why you would be jealous of me is… a totally foreign concept."

"Uh, the weird thing is that you would ever be jealous of me."

"Aust, are you serious? You're like… I can't even describe it. You have this "screw you" attitude that I always wanted but was too chicken to have. You walk in a room and you own it. You're the only friend I've had in my life that I can say anything to, no matter what it is. You work so hard for everyone around you and you have never let me down. People listen to you when you talk and even though you act like you don't, you have this ability to love people sometimes more than they deserve."

"Maybe I do have all that, but you're perfect."

"I am not."

"You are too! You're the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect friend. Everyone loves you instantly. You could murder someone's best friend and they would love you ten minutes later. You never have to put on a front or be someone else. Everything is just effortless for you. You have your stories and catch-phrases that make you this memorable person that everyone wishes they could be. You have everything, Linds."

They looked at each other for a moment, contemplating what had been said before saying anything more.

"Why do we always do this?"

"Do what?"

"Talk about real things."

Lindsay snickered and shook her head.

"I don't know. I don't hate it."

"It's not really us."

"Maybe it is, but neither one of us ever knew it."

"Maybe. Thanks for… seeing all those things in me."

"Thanks for being all those things."

"We're sappy."

"Don't tell anyone, okay?"

"We got reputations to protect."

"I feel like we should do that best friends pinkie swear thing."

"I think our kids have that figured out already."

Raising her eyebrow, Lindsay looked into the back seat. Colton and Isa's carseats were strapped in next to each other, but they were both leaning as much as they could into the middle, sleeping and holding hands. It was quite the stretch and they had probably done it more out of marvel at seeing another baby than anything, but the reason didn't matter as both moms took out their cell phones and snapped pictures.

"We're so in for it, Linds."

"I think we'll be okay. I mean after all, ducks fly together."

"Did I mention you have the best movie references at the best time?"

"Thank you for noticing."

They grinned and fist bumped for lack of anything better to close off the conversation and then drove off, because that was simply that.


	70. Chapter 70

A/N: I swear, this story was only supposed to be five chapters.

* * *

"Babe, have you seen my other shoe?" Lindsay called from the bedroom as she searched in the bottom of the closet for the missing pump.

"Um, there's a pair of boots out here."

"Think about what I asked and think about what you said."

"You weren't lookin' for a pair, were you?"

"No, but thanks for the effort."

"Any luck?"

"No, I'm going to have to find something else to wear."

"Well there are some boots out here."

She chuckled and took her shoes off, then traded her black slacks for some khakis before going out into the living room.

"You said there were boots?" she asked, looking in the spot where they usually kept the shoes.

"Over here."

Smiling, she sat down on the couch and put her feet on his lap so he could slide the shoes on.

"When are you coming home?"

"I'm off at four."

"You ready for tonight?"

"Couch potato night? So much you have no idea."

"Any special requests for snackage?"

"You know what sounds really good? That limeade stuff you got that one time."

"From that one place where they have that one thing?"

"Yeah, that's it."

He smiled and pulled her closer, kissing her deeply.

"Happy anniversary, sweetie."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Go to work. Bring home bacon."

"Regular or maple?"

"Oh get out of here, beautiful."

She chuckled and stood up from the couch, grabbing her coat from the hook by the door.

"Bye Colton. See you later."

"Ba!" he replied, giving her his good-bye salute and a smile, then turning his attention to the Rubik's cube that Adam swore he was old enough to appreciate.

"Have a good day honey. Be safe."

"I will."

She slipped out the door and closed it behind her, then stood there for a moment, listening to the one-sided conversation on the other side.

"Hey bud, want me to do that for you and then we can trick mama into thinking you did it all on your own? Okay, okay, not ready for that kind of prank yet. That's okay, I respect your loyalties."

She grinned and shook her head before boarding the elevator and heading off to face the day.

* * *

"Hey Linds."

"Hey Stell. What kind of garbage are you reading?"

Stella chuckled and held up the small circulation weekly paper.

"The "I Saw You" section," she answered with a grin. "They're like the classifieds only not as bad."  
"Meaning?"

"I see you every morning," she read, the amusement evident in her voice. "You have long hair and are usually holding a coffee cup of some sort. I'm the one always listening to my mp3 player and singing to myself. You have a nose ring. You seem awesome. Friends?"

Lindsay chuckled and sat down at the table, sipping her coffee and glancing at the paper.

"I caught your eye and it was hard not to. You were in your Air Force uniform. We were staring at each other for so long in the produce section. I think we were there for 10 minutes. You took the checkout line next to mine. Why didn't we exchange numbers? Let's do it now."

"I saw you sitting in class. We have one class together and I doubt you've even noticed me, but I can't help that your shortish brown hair, cute style of clothing & little limp in your leg (from falling off some bleachers) are all so, well, addicting. I told you to get better soon, maybe next time you'll let me carry your bags. See you next Wednesday!"

"I saw you at a sushi joint I frequent, then I saw you around the corner from my work. I saw you at the movie theater, and plenty of times where you work. Tell me what it is I need to do to see you more, besides purchasing a cocktail after getting in the door. I hope you read this entry & hope you find it clever, because my bag of tricks is empty, so now it's now or never."

"Okay, that was way too cheesy for words," Stella commented with a laugh. "Sometimes you can find really good ones though."

"You were the pulchritudinous deli-girl. I was the one with the eyes screaming intentions of spending the rest of my life with you. Meet me at the old 'Blvd' on October 14th, at 6:00?" Lindsay read. "Hey, that one is cute. I wonder if she'll meet him."

"Would you?"

"Not without proper backup."

"Good girl."

"Your turn."

"To my Perfect Twenty-Three, thank-"

"Wait, what?"

"What?"

"Let me see that."

Stella couldn't hide the smile on her face as Lindsay took the paper and read the entry for herself.

_To my Perfect Twenty Three,_

_Thank you for loving me, marrying me, giving me a son, always going halfsies on the covers, finishing my popcorn, playing video games, sharing secrets, holding my hand, making me laugh, doing the dishes, never letting me settle, long kisses, cookies and milk, foot rubs, multicolored duct tape, silly faces and everything else that I forgot to mention. I love you to every –er and –est and even more. Happy two years._

"I can't take it anymore!" Stella said excitedly. "Adam wrote that for your anniversary and he wanted to make sure you saw it."

Lindsay smiled and wiped at her eyes that had started to tear up.

"Linds, he really, really, really loves you."

"I know," she whispered, reading over the entry again.

"Can I ask? What is that twenty three thing?"

"Um… it's because the earth is tilted for all intents and purposes at a twenty three degree angle. Much difference and the world as we know it ceases to function, weather patterns and all that. It wobbles a little, sometimes to twenty one, sometimes to twenty five. But mostly it's at twenty three. Adam says that I'm his twenty three degree angle."

"Wow."

"I need to go make a phone call."

"Happy anniversary kiddo."

"Thanks Stell."

She left the break room and walked down the hallway to the darkened office she shared with Danny. He was out in the field so she shut the door for some privacy and sat down at her desk.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted after a few rings. "How's work?"

"You are the most amazing man in the world, do you know that?"

"You saw it."

"Yes. What on earth did I ever to do deserve you?"

"Probably same thing I did to deserve you."

"I love you, Adam. I can't even say that enough."

"I love you too Lindsay."

"I'm going to try to sneak out of here a little early."

"Because I'm just so darn irresistible?"

"Something like that."

"Well whenever you get home, we'll be here waiting for our favorite person in the world."

"Give Colton a kiss for me."

"I will. See you later."

She smiled and hung the phone up, wondering how long it would be before she could focus on her actual work. She pulled her scissors out of the desk and cut the ad out, sticking it in the corner of the frame that held an impromptu family picture. It was perfect happiness right there and she couldn't take her eyes off of it. Yes, it would probably be a very long time before her mind swung back around to work.

* * *

"Okay, we've got caramel corn, cheese curls, tootsie rolls, gummy bears, beef jerky, string cheese, pudding cups, Capri Suns, candy bars, peanut butter, fruit snacks and goldfish crackers."

Lindsay lifted her eyebrows at the spread of junk food before her, then grinned up at him.

"Adam, did you get all foods with two names because it's our second anniversary?"

The look on his face told her it had been a fluke, but he ran with it anyway.

"Oh yeah, of course."

"So spoiler alert, what are we going to eat on our fiftieth anniversary?"

"Um… see, I still got a while to figure that one out."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I freaking heart you."

"You're so eloquent, babe. Think we're ready?"

"If you put that movie in," she said, opening the bag of gummy bears. "What are we watching?"

"_Kung-Pow, Enter the Fist_."

"Adam, is that the one with the tongue?"

"You die laughing every time he fights the cow."

"That's because he slides under it and milks it to death! It's so ridiculous. If the cow wasn't mooing it wouldn't be as funny."

"It's a good thing I thought of a back-up movie," he said, taking the DVD off of the coffee table. "Some Brendan Fraser for my lady."

"Yes."

He put the movie in the player then shut off all the lights and sat down next to her. She smiled and snuggled into his arms, tipping the bag of gummy bears towards him.

"Eat the clear ones please?"

"Only because I love you," he said, pinching her ear gently and taking a handful of gummy bears.

"Hey, you stole a green one! Give it back!"

"No way. You get the reds and the greens and the oranges and the yellows. You only let me have the clear ones."

"Hey, I let you have the yellow sometimes."

"Yellow and clear? Linds, you only let me have the pee colors!"

She burst into laughter and covered her face, falling against the couch cushions and trying to keep from snorting.

"What?"

"Pee?"

"Shh, you're gonna wake Colton up."

"I'm sorry."

"Must have tickled your funny bone," he noted, leaning over her and brushing her hair off of her forehead.

"Must have. Stop nibble nosing," she said, pushing him slightly away and giggling. He gave her a lopsided grin then sat up and pulled her back into his arms where she sighed slowly and laced her fingers with his.

"Linds, are you happy?"

"Over the moon. You?"

"Right there with you."

"I'm glad it's you, Adam."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that people fall in love every day. Sometimes it's the right person and sometimes it's the person you want. I'm just lucky that you're both of those things."

"I'm pretty lucky too."

"We should quit being so sappy and watch the movie."

"And eat junk."

"Amen."

They settled in an enjoyed the movie, mostly riffing it because they couldn't go long without mocking something. They both laughed themselves nearly to tears a few times, more out of the fact that they were making the same snide comments than that the comments were amusing.

"Eww, scarab beetles!" Lindsay shrieked, covering her eyes.

"That grosses you out?"

"They're going to eat his heart and there's sound effects! I can't handle it."

Laughing, he dropped a kiss onto her forehead.

"Honey, you make me laugh."

"They're gross!"

"I know, I know… watch out there's one on you!" he said frantically, pinching her side.

"Don't do that!" she said, jumping away with a shaky laugh. "You're mean."

"I'm sorry, I couldn't pass it up. C'mere."

He pulled her back into his arms and they stretched out along the couch, the movie long forgotten.

"I'll always keep you safe, baby. Even from imaginary scarab beetles."

She smiled and looked down at her wedding ring, the weight familiar and comforting as it shimmered in the artificial light. Leaning up, she kissed the underside of his chin, then moved to kiss him fully and intensely. He returned her fervor, cradling the back of her head to keep her close and sliding his thumb through the beltloop on her jeans. Her fingers brushed through his hair and landed on the back of his neck, eliciting a rough sigh from him. She giggled into the kiss, almost pulling away, but he had a pretty good hold on her and she couldn't move very far. He rolled them over so she was pinned between him and the back of the couch and they were tightly pressed together. Her eyes flew open at the movement and she was surprised to find that he was looking straight at her. Slowly she broke the kiss and took a moment to cement the eye contact before blinking. Usually by this time they would be headed into the other room, but this time he was just staring at her, his expression unreadable. It worried her a little and she grazed her fingers over his arm, a silent encouragement to say whatever was obviously on his mind.

"I still can't believe you're mine," he whispered, his hand dragging through her hair.

"I'll always be yours. I think I always have been."

The look he gave her sent a tingle to her stomach and she breathed in, slowly, closing her eyes. He kissed her again and she clutched at his shirt, pulling him as close as possible, vaguely wishing that it was physically possible to fuse to another person. She could feel him slowly running out of room on the couch and she deftly turned them halfway so they were exactly opposite of how they had started.

"Linds?" he said suddenly, breaking the kiss and looking down at her, his face more serious than she had anticipated at a time like this.

"What?"

"You remember when we used to make out just for fun?"

Her eyebrows raised and she cleared her throat curiously.

"You're looking at me like I'm crazy."

"You're not crazy babe, it's just that I think this is the first time that I have no idea what you're getting at."

He gave her a half grin and started to get up, but she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to stay where he was.

"Tell me."

"We're always going a million miles an hour," he said, stroking her hair back and running his thumb across her lips. "I mean, we manage to um… well you know. But a lot of times this," he said motioning to the couch, "is just a means to an end. I would never change that end, but we never really take our time getting there."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I just want to slow down as if we have all the time in the world. Like we used to."

"Back when it was all about falling in love and life wasn't in the way yet."

"Back when we were just naïve newlyweds and just seeing you took my breath away because I had the time to actually look."

"You are the most wonderful man that could ever exsist."

"You made me that way."

She smiled and very gently pulled him down to her, kissing him in the slowest and laziest way she could manage. Their lips swam together softly, giving consideration to things that had been getting neglected. Special attention was paid to talking without the words and it wasn't long before she found her head and her heart back in that place of newness and wonder, the place where they had first found each other.

She remembered those times on this very couch, wanting so badly for the moments to go on forever, but having to pull away in the name of work or agreements or late hours. She remembered the first time they had held each other like this, oblivious to the outside world; focusing on the weight of his body on hers and how she had never felt so warmly blanketed in such a consuming love before. She remembered wanting so badly to kiss him impossibly deeper, to figure out a way to communicate how desperately she loved him and not coming up with anything good enough. She remembered wanting him, fully and completely, and being slightly scared at the realization, for she had never felt it so clearly before, never with the intention of true love behind it. She remembered how her heart had fluttered when he pulled away slightly and wordlessly dropped his forehead to hers, letting their breathing return to normal while he tried to think of the right words. She remembered the look on his face when their eyes met and she knew how much he loved her.

And now, as she broke the kiss and looked at him again, anew and with much history at the same time, they both knew they had the rest of their lives, and it would be like this forever.


	71. Chapter 71

Lindsay grinned and made car noises while she drove the toy Tonka truck over Colton's back. He giggled and chewed on his finger then sat up and patted her hand with a sigh. He was teething and had given up sleeping for the last two nights. She would take this over crying in pain, and was giving him consistent doses of baby Tylenol to battle the fever. He seemed happy enough, content to play with his toys while Lindsay tried to snooze.

The phone chirped and Lindsay grabbed it, already knowing who it was and why.

"You can't sleep."

Austin chuckled on the other end, her tone completely revealing how tired she actually was.

"Danny's at work. And Adam is too I am assuming."

"Got it."

"What are you doing?"

"Well Colton's up teething, so we're just hanging out on the hide-a-bed, watching trash TV and playing with toys. You?"

"Isa's doing that thing where she's up all night and sleeps all day, so I am pretty much in the same boat as you."

"Want to come over?"

"Yes please."

"I'll leave the door unlocked."

"Only so you don't have to get up to open it."

"I'm getting up to unlock it right now so either way I would have to get up just so you don't have to get out your key."

"Such sacrifice. We'll be there in a little bit."

They hung up and Lindsay walked back to the hide-a-bed and laid down with a sigh, rubbing at her eyes. She actually would have fallen asleep without Adam tonight for as tired as she was, but mommy luck would have it that Colton would be wide awake. She yawned and he mirrored her position, reaching over to pat her mouth gently.

"Mama."

"Hi baby. Are your teeth hurting?"

"Bay."

"Time for more Tylenol?" she asked, brushing his curls back behind his ear and ignoring the voice in her head that said it was time for a haircut. "Maybe we'll wait just a little bit for some medicine."

He sighed and grabbed a strand of her hair twisting it around his fingers the same way Adam did.

"You know how much I love you, little boy?"

"Mm-ba."

"Well I do. A lot, a lot. I don't know if you remember but I was pretty sad for a while. You made me better though. Whenever I would feel sad, you would give me this little smile. You really helped me, baby."

He gave her a happy giggle and they just stared at each other for a while. Twin sets of eyes bored into each other for a moment before he patted his tummy.

"Wa."

"You want something to chew on? How about a cold carrot?"

She got up again and took him into the kitchen, pulling the vegetable out of the fridge and washing it off before she handed it to him. He looked it over for a minute, frowning as he tried to figure out what to do with it.

"It's yummy," Lindsay coached, pushing it gently towards his mouth. Still a little unsure, he chewed on it for a second, working it around his gums. He smiled suddenly and nodded as if agreeing with her persuasions and they went back out to the other room and sat down. He cuddled into her and gnawed on the carrot a few times before pulling it out of his mouth and handing it to her.

"Oh, thanks bud," she said, wrinkling her nose. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

He chuckled and crawled off of her lap, finding some plastic farm animals and trotting them over his legs. His favorite was the pig, and he would search for that one determinedly before he would think about just settling for the chicken or the horse.

Lindsay sighed and flipped through the channels, wishing he would tucker out so she could get a little sleep. The only light on was the TV, which he rarely even noticed anyway. She'd dressed him in comfortable pajamas and given him a nice warm bath, but he acted as if there was not an ounce of tired in his body.

"Boo boo boo."

He sat there expectantly, holding out the plastic pig.

"Piggie," she said, taking his free hand and putting it over her lips so he could feel the sound. "P-p-piggie."

"Gwuk."

"Do you know what sound a piggie makes?"

He just stared at her and she gave him a gentle snort. He giggled and wrinkled his nose, trying to mimic the noise. All he could really do was gasp and after a while he gave up.

"Mama, gah."

She made the noise again and he laughed, blowing a raspberry in response as the front door opened.

"Look, it's auntie Austin."

"Ah ah!" he squealed raising his arms to her. She smiled and closed the door behind her then sat down next to him. He grinned at her and then peeked at Isa who was just as wide awake and playful as he was. They stared at each other for a minute, both of them happy to see another baby.

"You look tired," Lindsay noted. "How many nights without sleep?"

"Three for me, but I've slept during the day. You?"

"Two with one nap yesterday. Adam said he would stay up with him, but he does not do well on no sleep."

"You don't look like you do much better."

"Adam gets cranky and then he gets mad at himself for being cranky. I just move through life like a zombie."

"Ah ah!" Colton shouted again, bouncing on his knees.

"That's you by the way," Lindsay translated with a grin.

"Really?"

"Yep."

"C'mere bud, your cheeks need kisses."

She swept him into her arms and he giggled at the affection, burying his face in her hair. He loved to hug and cuddle, but there weren't very many people he trusted enough for that. Daddy, Mama, auntie Austin. That was about it.

"Can I see your teeth?" she asked, poking his cheek to get him to open his mouth. "Nice pearly whites bud. No wonder you won't sleep. It looks like you're cutting three teeth at once."

"Yeah, it's a pretty rough life," Lindsay agreed, sitting up to grab Isa who was about to fall to the floor. "Where do you think you're going little girl?"

Isa giggled while Lindsay kissed her and held her close.

"I've missed you, stinker face. Where on earth did your mommy get a baby sized AC/DC shirt?"

"Uncle Andy can find anything in California."

"She's cooler now at five months old than I ever have been in my life."

"And once she starts speaking she'll tell you that."

"She's you."

"God save the queen."

Lindsay snorted a laugh and picked up the remote, flipping through the channels for what seemed like the hundredth time tonight.

"I hate stupid graveyard shifts."

"We may be strong independent women, but we're not good at sleeping without our men."

"I think this might be a women's rights issue. Adam used to say that he couldn't sleep without me, but now he's singing a different tune."

"He never shoulda told you that. Now you're going to hold it against him."

"I should."

"Danny sleeps like a log without me. I'm sure it's because he doesn't have anyone poking him and telling him to stop snoring."

"You should invest in some clothes pins."

"I've actually tried that, but he's a throat snorer, so it doesn't do much."

"Hmm sad."

"Truly. Hey where did you get this blanket?"

"My mom made it out of my dad's old flannel shirts."

"Colton seems to love it," she noted, watching him chew on the corner of the blanket.

"I think at this point he will love anything he can gnaw on. When did this daughter of yours become a snuggler?"

"Eh, she just loves you."

"I'm cool with that," she said, pressing a kiss to Isa's dark hair.

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Will you be there to pick up my slack if I mess up?"

"What're you talking about?"

"If one day she hates me and wants me to die because she's 13, will you be the one that she'll run to?"

"I can't make her run to me, but I will definitely be there and I'll do everything I can to make sure she knows that."

"Thanks. I never really had much of a place to run. At least not far enough away."

"I know the feeling. And kind of in a similar vein of discussion…"

"The look on your face says that it's something Adam said."

"He thinks we need to write our wills."

"Whoa."

"He's right, they're good to have, but it's so morbid to think about. But we were talking about who would get Colton if we both croaked, and we decided on you guys."

"Why?"

"Because you were the first people we thought of. And no one else felt right."

"What about your parents?"

"We don't want him to have to leave New York. It's the only home he knows. And we trust you guys and you love him and it just makes sense. You can say no if you want, but that just means hilarity will ensue when Mac and Stella have to share him."

"Let's pause for a moment and imagine the two of them trying to share a kid."

"It would be all fun and games until you remembered that I was dead."

"Don't say that word Lindsay Ross 'less you want me to smack ya upside your head."

"Goonies never say die?"

"Exactly."

"Sorry. So in the event that Adam and I… um… take a long vacation…"

"The ultimate long vacation."

"Will you guys consider raising our offspring to love the Yankees and classic rock and the merits of a good street corner hot dog?"

"I think we will."

"Thanks."

* * *

An hour later both kids were still awake and playing quietly while Lindsay and Austin zoned out to the Sci-Fi channel. It was beyond tired now, and they had both mentioned finding food at least three times, but neither one of them had even come close to moving.

"What about Steve?" came the voice from the TV. "It's a nice, honest name."

"Shut up Scully, Steve is a horrible name," Lindsay replied, chucking a tissue at the screen.

"Whoa."

"I have issues. Sorry you had to see them."

"You must really hate that name. Is it because of Urkel? C'mon Linds, you can tell me."

"It's not because of Urkel, though I am still disappointed in the Stefan story line."

"As are all women with good sense."

"Amen, sister suffragette."

"But really."

"Steve was a big mistake," she explained, shaking her head.

"Question mark."

"He was my rebound from Brian. Pretty much, it was like a total foul shot that didn't even hit the backboard. It like… smacked the camera man in the face and knocked over a cheerleader."

"She probably deserved it."

"Coulda been."

Austin only had to raise her eyebrows for Lindsay to resign herself to two facts. First, that she would be telling this story, and second, that she had to watch her mouth better, especially around Austin who could drag anything out of her.

"Take the genius of Hawkes, and then mix it with that one dude you arrested last week. The one that wore his hat to the side but inside out. Now pull up his pants and make him a little less "yo they be straight up trippin' over my untied shoelaces dawg" add a Metallica t-shirt and more womanizing and you've got Steve."

"Wow. So he was like a Montana thug."

"He was charming at first. That was part of his racket I guess. And I should have seen through it, but I was young and stupid and dumped. I don't know why he picked me to be his arm candy, but he did and I was happy to oblige. It's so stupid. I can't believe I was ever with him."

"Everyone has one of those."

"You don't. Of all people, you don't have one of those. Unless you count Flack, but that would be like pinning a murder on a puppy."

"I love that we don't have to explain our analogies. Actually though I did have one of those, but only lasted about as long as it took me to blink. Proceed."

"It's kind of hard to explain. He was just a jerk. He was at school on scholarships and didn't have a job, so he mooched off me until I just told him to move in with me. He was nice during the day, like doing chores, we'd study together, he'd tell me he loved me. And then once night fell he was a totally different person. He'd scream at me for nothing, he would go out to the bars and get plastered. I'd call it cheating if we had had a real relationship, but I was just his inn keeper and has been booty call or something. But he would pick up these random women, come home with phone numbers and lipstick and just… It was horrible. I felt like his trash, you know? I guess I'm lucky that he stopped sleeping with me and just got his jollies out at the bar because I could have ended up with something terrible. He made me believe I deserved it. I was strangely happy with him because I thought I was living the life I was meant for. You know, I got to survive the shooting, and then Brian left me, this was karma and life evening out. I was okay with that. I got to live. And it didn't matter that he was out living like he was because at least he came home to me."

"Linds…"

"I don't believe any of that now of course. It took me a while to not believe it, but eventually I just kicked him out and told him to get lost. We were just roommates by that time anyway. We'd never loved each other, it was as amicable as it could have been and I never regretted finally breaking free of him. I hardly ever think about him, but I hear that name and I just feel so dirty and used. It just signifies the worst part of me, the lowest of my lows, the molten creosote of my past and I just… I hate it."

"So can I shoot him in the face with a 12 gauge or maybe a bow and arrow? I might be able to procure a hand grenade for this worthy cause."

"No, it's okay. It's over."

Austin shook her head and reached over to quickly wipe away the tear that was running down Lindsay's cheek.

"It still hurts you."

"I'm not hurt so much as mad though."

"At him?"

"No, at me for being so stupid."

"You weren't stupid Linds, you were heartbroken."

"Yeah, but… it's totally sucky. Adam's past relationships were all normal. Neat and tidy. And then I have this. And I know he doesn't care and it's all in the past, but I wish that I was less… bruised. I wish I had a prettier past and I wish I could give him everything, but I can't. I wish I could completely forget about it though."

"Does Adam know?"

"Yeah, I told him a long time ago. Before we were dating even. He reacted much the same as you did. Got all protective."

"You didn't deserve how Steve treated you, Linds. You deserve everything good and wonderful in this world."

"So do you."

"Thanks. And I promise to never ever try and get you to tell me stuff when you don't want to."

"No, that's okay. I can tell you anything. Besides after this, I don't got nothing left."

"That's it, you're out of history?"

"Pretty much."

"That doesn't mean it's my turn to spill is it?"

"You don't spill, you spurt-"

"That's what she said."

"-and you don't ever have to tell me anything. We're just friends from where we're at. We never really needed more than that."

"I like that. We're simple."

"Or as Adam says we're like total confusion embodied in two polar opposites."

"We're not that different."

"No, but it sounds good."

"He's got a way with words, I'll give him that."

"That he does."

They fell into a silence and watched the TV, not really seeing it through eyes that were way past tired.

"Mama," Colton whimpered, crawling towards her and sniffling.

"Time for more medicine, huh?" she asked, grabbing the dropper off the side table and giving him a dose. He wrinkled his nose and shimmied closer to her, crying with the discomfort and wanting nothing but his mama. She rested him against her chest and he whined a little, his hand resting on her collarbone while she settled a blanket over him and kissed his hair.

"I think he's tuckered out. What do you wanna bet he'll teeter on the edge of sleep for the next couple hours?"

"Sounds fair. I think I need to make a scrapbook of all Isa's weird sleeping positions."

Isa was sleeping sitting up, her cheek resting on the plastic block sorter, her arms slack at her sides.

"She's going to have a mark on her face, poor girl."

Austin sat up and retrieved her daughter who woke up a little, but only enough to find her thumb.

"I should take her home."

"You can crash here. Everyone else is."

"I think I might be too tired to sleep."

"We can watch Comedy Central."

"Rock on."

* * *

The kids both slept on an off for the next few hours, Isa waking up to play and Colton waking up to fuss. No one was really that happy with the situation, but that was mommyhood, and they had to resign themselves to that fact.

Adam came home just after six a.m., not surprised to find them watching infomercials through bleary eyes.

"Hey girls. Rough night?"

"You have obviously never been a mother," Austin said, shooting a half glare in his direction.

"Nope. Who wants breakfast?"

"Me please and thank you," Lindsay said, clearing her throat and checking Colton's forehead for a fever. It seemed to have abated at least for now and she opened his mouth to check on the progress of his teeth.

"And we're three for three."

"I'm surprised he wasn't crankier than that. Are they all back teeth?"

"Yeah. I really hope we don't have to do that again for a while."

"Is Adam seriously making breakfast?"

"Mm-hm. He does it whenever he works graves."

"You're spoiled."

"I know."

"Hey Adam, did Danny leave work yet?"

"He got called to a scene about an hour ago."

"Nice."

"It just means we're going to feed you. Bacon or sausage?"

"Both!" they chorused, giggling.

"You two get more and more dangerous the more time you spend together."

"Oh my word, what is the Booty Pop?"

"Exactly what I mean," Adam muttered amusedly, getting the eggs out of the fridge.

"Butt inserts!" Lindsay laughed, shaking her head. "No, please tell me this is a joke."

"I dunno, that chick looks serious. I think butt inserts really did change her life."

"Do you really stick that in your underwear?"

"Oh no, they're built in!"

"I guess that way you can't lose one and walk around lopsided."

"Brings new meaning to the phrase half-assed, doesn't it?"

"Okay, as silly as it seems, some of these people actually do look a little better with some help."

"Lindsay you are NOT ordering one!" Adam shouted, coming out of the kitchen.

"Why not?"

"Because I like your butt just the way it is."

Austin snorted with laughter and pulled a pillow over her face.

"What? I'm not afraid to admit that. I like her boobs too."

Austin was chuckling silently now, not really sure what to do.

"Oh get back in the kitchen lady-man," Lindsay said with a flick of her wrist and a red face. "No one wants your input no matter how well intentioned it is."

"Don't order one."

"I won't, I swear," she promised, rolling her eyes while he leaned down to kiss her, then walked back into the kitchen.

"I cannot believe that that just happened and I witnessed it," Austin said, drawing in a breath. "I don't think I can ever look at him the same."

Lindsay just shrugged.

"I kinda get used to his statements like that."

"This is a normal thing?"

"He's never been shy with the compliments. It's not usually presented in such a way, but I am not a stranger to the fact that he is very happy with me."

"Well good. Adam is a butt man."

"Be careful of the context in which you say that."

"I'll make a note of it."

* * *

"So that was pretty much the best French Toast in the world and I would probably be able to write a song about it if I didn't need to get home," Austin said, wiping off Isa's syrupy hand.

"You can write it a song next time," Adam said, tying off the garbage bag and pulling it out of the can. "When you have a guitar with you."

"Oh yes of course," she chuckled bundling Isa up. "Hey Linds, go take a nap."

"Can't. I gotta go to work soon."

"That's disgusting."

"Yes ma'am. It's okay, I'll find some coffee."

"She'll find coffee just for fun and drink a Red Bull for the big time," Adam clarified.

"I expect no less. Thanks for the fake sleepover Linds."

"Anytime."

"I'll walk you out Aust. I gotta take the trash out anyway."

"Okay."

They walked out the door and down the hallway to the elevator before Austin turned around and gave him a half hug.

"Okay, the French toast wasn't that good…" he chuckled.

"Well it was, but that was just…thanks."

"For what?"

"For being the best for my best friend. You make her laugh and you love her and I am slowly learning that you are the first relationship she's ever had like that."

"She must have told you about Steve."

"Total scumbag."

"We can kill him together."

"Deal," she said holding out her fist. He grinned and bumped it with his before throwing the garbage down the chute.

"See you later Adam."

"Later. Oh, and thanks for everything you do for her too."

"Anytime."

They gave each other knowing looks and headed off in separate directions, both completely invested in the lifelong friendships they had forged.


	72. Chapter 72

"Is it going to be like this every Thanksgiving?" Lindsay grumped, finding the vegetable peeler in the drawer and handing it to Jess.

"Like what?" Stella asked, peeking in the oven to check on the turkey.

"All of us women in the kitchen, all the men crowded around the TV watching football and asking repeatedly when dinner's going to be ready," Austin supplied.

"That's what boys do on Thanksgiving," Jess said simply, shrugging as she started to peel the potatoes. "We just have to let them."

She received three skeptical stares in return and chuckled.

"That's what my mom always says. I think she's full of crap."

"How festive," Stella chuckled.

A loud shout came from the other room and the girls all rushed over to see what they had missed.

"What happened?" Austin asked, her hand on her hip.

"You didn't see that play?" Flack said in astonishment.

"No Duck, I was busy cooking your dinner," Austin returned, flicking the back of his head.

"Well you missed a good one, Grace. Guess you'll have to catch it on YouTube."

"Men," Jess huffed, rolling her eyes and going back into the kitchen.

"We like them individually, but as a group we think they're stupid," Austin added.

"Hey!" Mac shouted with a grin. "I'm not that bad!"

"You're an exception," Stella offered. "Most of the time at least."

"I think I hear babies waking up," Lindsay said, cutting the potatoes that Jess had peeled.

"I'll go check on them."

Stella disappeared into the other room and Austin rolled her neck, placing more marshmallows on top of the sweet potatoes.

"I was banking on them sleeping longer."

"They wake up each other up every time they take naps together. Someday maybe we'll learn."

"They're sure cute laying in there talking to each other though. Conspiring against us."

"Figuring out a preemptive strike on bath time."

"Tips for shedding a dirty diaper before mommy finds you."

"How to spit your food clear across the room."

"I'm pretty sure they're going to be friends for life."

Jess giggled at the exchange while Stella came back into the room, a baby on each hip.

"Oh hey grandma saddle bags."

"I am not that old, Messer," she corrected, putting Colton in his high chair. He grimaced and banged on the tray, then found some dry cereal left over from that morning and happily crunched into it.

"Hey, when is dinner going to be done?" Adam shouted from the other room.

"Excuse you?"

"I drew the short straw and had to ask."

"It'll be ready soon, but we're eating in shifts and ladies first."

"Austin!"

"What? I think it's fair. And judging by the looks on their faces, everyone else that is slaving over a hot stove thinks it's fair too."

"Linds?"

"What?"

"Feed me?"

"Turn the TV off."

"I am so not sure what to do here."

"Torn between his wife and the boys," Jess muttered with a chuckle.

There was another loud cheer from the other room.

"Sounds like he made his decision."

"That's okay. He'll pay later. I'll make him watch _Titanic_ with me."

"Linds, that's evil."

"I know, but I owe him like four punishments, so I figure four hours of hoop skirts, icebergs and everlasting love should take care of it."

"Four hours of the Leo? Never mind Adam, how can you stomach that?"

"I'll fall asleep about the time he's king of the world."

"Devious."

"That's marriage survival 101."

"I second that," Austin agreed with a grin.

"Well girls, what do you say we stick this bird in the oven?" Stella asked, loud enough for the guys to hear.

"You haven't put the turkey in yet?" Mac yelled. "Some of us have to go to work in like three hours!"

"I didn't think it would be Mac that freaked out."

"You think I wouldn't freak out about…" Mac trailed off as he came into the room and saw the cooked turkey resting on the counter. "You're a sadist, Stella Bonasera."

"I learned from the best, Mr. Whoops I forgot to put gas in the car and we're in the middle of nowhere and I don't have cell reception or mountain man skills."

"The look on your face was worth the bruise on my arm."

Stella rolled her eyes as he left the room.

"Do we want to know about this?"

"It was just Mac breaking me in apparently. One of our first cases together."

"Always remembered with such fondness. Back when you were just babies."

"It makes me feel really old now."

"Hence the grandma."

"Austin, shuttie."

* * *

"You know, I don't mind the Thanksgiving tradition of us all cooking if we keep the tradition of the men cleaning up."

"If I could find a small enough font, I would so put that on a bumper sticker."

"This Linds, is exactly why we're friends."

"Word up home skillet."

"Dig it, Humphrey."

"You guys are so weird," Jess snickered, drawing her legs up into the chair. "And why are we watching _Sex and the City_?"

"Stella picked."

"Guilty pleasure. Never know when you're going to get to see a bare chested Chris Noth."

"Ooh, Stell's got a thing for Mr. Big."

"Don't we all?"

Laughter erupted at the accompaniment of such a salacious comment to the demure smile on Jess's face.

"I betcha Flack overheard that."

"Well what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and I think that might work out for me, so…"

"I would expect something like that from Austin, not you."

"Serious? Because I would expect that from you, Linds."

"We clearly spend too much time talking about our sex lives."

"Girls, this is a holiday."

"So you're saying we should all have some wine if we're gonna keep talkin' like this?"

"Yeah Austin, that is exactly what I was saying," Stella teased with a roll of her eyes.

"Ah, Linds cover my eyes," Austin said, wrinkling her nose as the scene that played started to get a little more fleshy.

"You cover mine!" Lindsay responded.

"So you two can talk about it but you can't see it."

"Yes!" they chirped.

Stella laughed and shook her head never really quite sure when they were serious and when they were trying to be funny.

"My eyes are covered so someone please tell me what that crash was."

"It came from the kitchen."

"Oh no..."

She removed Austin's hand from her eyes and stood up slowly.

"Boys what did you break?"

"Nothing honey, sit back down."

"Was it my glass bowl? The one my grandmother brought me from Belgium?"

"Um…"

"Adam Ryan Ross."

"Linds, just don't come in here for a minute, okay?"

"Are you serious?"

"I don't want to see you cry today!"

"I thought I told you guys to be careful with… Adam that's a regular mixing bowl!" she said, one hand coming off her hip in exasperation, then landing again.

"It is?"

"You can tell the difference between DVD-R and DVD-RW but not Pyrex and crystal?"

"Yeah?"

"Scare me like that again and you're washing all the bottles for a month without the spongy sticky thingie."

"You wouldn't!"

"I totally would."

"I love you."

"I tolerate you," she returned, headed back to the other room. He followed her and whispered something in her ear that caused her to snort a laugh before he went back to the dishes. She bit her lip and returned to her seat, eyes glowing.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"Linds, you hardly ever drop your G's. That was somethin'."

"He was just tryna make me blush and it ain't gonna happen."

"Whoa, she went Southern!"

"Shuddup Messer," Lindsay launched back trying to get the Southern drawl of unknown origin out of her voice.

"Oh man," Stella said with a laugh. "I love our wonky, make-shift family."


	73. Chapter 73

"Good mornin'."

Lindsay smiled and opened her eyes a little, finding Adam leaning over her.

"Hey."

He stooped down and kissed her gently then settled back against the pillows, drawing her into his arms in the early morning light.

"Well we survived year one. Thoughts?"

She let her breath out slowly and watched the blue of dawn as it filtered through the windows, her mind racing back over the last twelve months. The tears, the laughter, the struggles and the triumphs. She couldn't help the lump that rose in her throat as she remembered the first time she saw her son. How tiny and frail he had been, and how big and healthy and growing he was now. She thought about how scared she had been then, even though she hadn't really confronted that in the wake of all the joy and hope of those early days. She thought about the depression and how she'd ripped it away from herself shedding the skin she had worn for so long and being only who she truly was. She thought about how far she and Adam had come together, how much stronger they were.

"Overwhelmed," she said finally. "I couldn't have done this alone. Not with anyone but you."

"Right back at you," he said, tracing his finger over her face. "You know Linds, I am so proud of you. Everything that's happened this year and just the day to day of being a mom and a wife and working and holding it all together. I am so proud of you babe."

"Thank you. And I'm proud of you too. As much as you say I've held everything together, you have been the one to carry me. Every single day, Adam, you're the keeper of every strength I have. I lean on you so much and I couldn't get through a day or even an hour without knowing that you're on my side."

"And that's where I'm always gonna be."

She smiled and kissed him, running her hand down his chest and around his back to hold him close.

"What do you think babe, should we go wake up the birthday boy?"

"Yeah, let's go."

He pulled her up from the bed and they went into Colton's room to find him still sleeping peacefully. Both arms were raised over his head and his cheeks looked especially chubby and for a moment they just stood there at his crib watching him sleep. He was every good bit of both of them, his very existence a result their love for each other, the most beautiful manifestation of it that either one of them could have imagined.

"I can't believe we made that," Adam said, holding her from behind and kissing her shoulder.

"It's an act of God that we had anything to do with it and he's this perfect."

They watched him for a while longer before Lindsay leaned down into the crib and gently brushed her hand over Colton's face. He sighed sleepily and opened his eyes, smiling up at them widely and lifting his arms to be picked up. Lindsay obliged holding him tight and kissing his cheeks.

"Do you know that today's your birthday buddy?" Adam asked as he held them both. "You're a whole year old today. Do you feel like a man?"

Colton giggled at the attention and sleepily buried his face in Lindsay's hair.

"Should we have some breakfast dude? You can have a banana."

"Baw!"

"Yeah, banana!"

They went into the kitchen and Adam turned on a light while Lindsay settled Colton in his high chair.

"So hon, are you sure you're okay with no party?"

"Yeah. He won't remember that we didn't have one, and it's a lot of work that I just didn't have time for, and I think it will be better just the three of us."

"Sounds good to me. Of course I still think we should let him do a cake smash."

"I ordered a little one at the bakery. We can pick it up later."

"Do you think it'll be too cold to go out today? We can bundle him up and go for a walk. He loves that, sitting in the stroller, waving to his constituents."

"Elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist?"

"I think he inherited our shared love for people watching."

"As long as he doesn't spend a lot of lonely days on a park bench."

"I'll make sure. So what do you think?"

"If we bundle him really good a walk would be nice. Maybe after lunch?"

"Perfect," he said, finishing cutting up the banana and putting the pieces on Colton's tray. "Can you say thank you, bud?"

"Dada."

"Well I appreciate the sentiment. Babe, you want breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm going to go shower first though."

"Oh I see what you're doing there."

"What?" she chuckled, raking a hand through her hair and yawning.

"See I was just going to do oatmeal or something but you said you're going to take a shower, which means I have time to make a real breakfast. And now I don't have an excuse not to."

"Well, it is one of the things you do best."

"Maybe so."

"You don't have to make breakfast honey, but I do need to jump in the shower."

"Scrambled, fried, poached?"

"Whatever you want. I'll be back."

She made her way into the bathroom and Adam turned the stove on to warm the frying pan.

"Hey little dude," he said, sitting down at the table next his son. "I need you to be straight with me here. Am I doing an okay job at this dad thing?"

"Bah," Colton said, offering him a piece of banana.

"Is that a yes? Cuz sometimes man, I don't think I'm quite good enough. That's not your fault though. Except the part where you're this perfect kid and I'm scared to death of screwing it all up somehow. Mama thinks I'm being silly. She says I'll never screw up. You think she's right?"

"Mama!"

"You sure love your mama, don't you? I totally know where you're coming from. She's the best mama in the whole world, isn't she? We got to remember to keep telling her that, okay?"

Colton nodded, his automatic response to "okay." He didn't seem to mind how many things he had agreed to in the last few months.

"Hey, if you don't tell mama, I'll let you have a spoonful of Nutella with your banana."

* * *

"Wow buddy, look at all the presents you've got," Lindsay said, while Colton shyly surveyed the brightly colored packages. "You're getting spoiled."

"Dat?"

"You want to open that one?" Adam asked, pushing to towards him. "Looks like it's from Auntie Taylor."

Lindsay helped him rip the paper off and he stared at it for a while before shoving it in his mouth with a smile.

"Well at least he's enjoying it," Lindsay commented, opening the cardboard box.

"Dude look, it's a sock monkey!"

Colton looked at the toy for a second before diving on it with a giggle.

"Mo?"

"Monkey."

"Mo!" he hollered, holding the monkey close.

"Well that was a success," Lindsay chuckled. "Should we open another one?"

They spent the next little while opening presents, finding mostly clothes from the grandparents which were very needed as he was hitting a growth spurt. Adam had been in charge of presents from mama and daddy, so Colton ended up with Baby's First Spaceship Robot, and Baby's First mp3 Player and a few other geeky toys that only a child of his would appreciate.

Colton liked the sock monkey the best though and sat there cuddling on the floor with it while Adam and Lindsay cleaned up the wrapping paper and boxes.

"We could go for that walk now," she said, checking out the window to make sure it wasn't snowing. "I bet he falls asleep halfway though."

"That's alright. Just means I can have some one on one time with his mama when we get back."

"You mean we can finally finish that game of Scrabble?"

"You're goin' down, Ross."

"No, Ross, I do believe you are."

She grinned and picked Colton up off the floor and headed into the bedroom to get his coat and gloves while the phone rang.

"Want to go outside for a while? Maybe daddy will buy us some hot chocolate. Think we can talk him into it?"

"Doo!"

"I think you're exactly right."

"Hey honey?"

"Hey yeah?"

"That was Mac on the phone. He wants us to come down to the lab. I guess a couple reports got misplaced and he needs us to verify the duplicates before he can put them in the files."

"Do we have to do it today?"

"He's got people breathing down his neck."

"Alright."

"I'm sorry hon, I know you wanted-"

"Nah, it's not a big deal. We'll go and be done in ten minutes."

"Okay."

"At least we're getting outta the house, right little man?"

"Out!" he shouted plainly, pointing at the door.

"That's right. We'll go drop in on Mac and you can drool on his tie."

* * *

"Hey guys, I'm sorry you had to come in on your day off," Mac said, handing them each a manila folder full of papers.

"No big deal, Boss," Adam said, taking his pen and signing the first page. "Do we know what happened to the originals?"

"There was apparently an unfortunate coffee incident somewhere in the vicinity of Stella's desk. Luckily everything had been logged into the computer, but we still need hard copies," he explained as Colton crawled over to that side of the desk.

"Hey Colton. Sorry I had to interrupt your birthday. Are you at least going to get some cake later?"

He grinned and grabbed Mac's chair, pulling himself up to stand.

"What are you guys feeding this kid? I think he's grown two inches since Thanksgiving."

"Yeah, we're thinking of having him studied."

"Hey guys," Stella greeted as she walked past. "Are you going to be here for a while?"

"Just a few more minutes. Why?"

"I've got a birthday present with someone's name on it."

"Stella."

"What? I can't just go shopping for myself all the time. I just finished wrapping it, it's in the break room when you're done in here."

"Okay, we'll be in in a minute."

They continued to sign off on the various reports while Mac clucked his tongue at Colton, who gave him a smile, even though he was a little too old to be amused by such antics.

"Ready to go buddy?" Adam asked, leaning down and picking Colton up.

"Out?"

"Yeah, but we'll make one quick stop first."

"Mama?"

"No, I think we'll leave her here."

"Mama!"

"Okay, okay, we can take her home with us."

Colton gave him a look and reached out for Lindsay, who took him and shot Adam a smirk.

"Looks like he knows who calls the shots," Mac chuckled.

"He's in for a rude awakening."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and they made their way down the hall to the breakroom.

"Hey, there's the birthday boy!"

"What are you guys doing here?" Lindsay asked as everyone sat around the tables, seemingly waiting for them.

"You said you weren't going to throw a big party, but we didn't think that was very fair. Well, for us at least," Stella explained.

"We thought that we'd take matters into our own hands," Austin added. "So we got cupcakes and ice-cream and a little Jack McManus for the dude who is a die hard Bang On This Piano fan."

"Are you serious?"

"Of course! I know you said you wanted to just have a family day but… screw that!"

"Adam, did you know about this?"

"I might have heard some rumblings a few weeks ago, but nothing definite."

"Are you okay with this Linds?"

"Yes, of course I'm okay."

"Good, then let's party!"

Hawkes turned the stereo on and Colton squealed in delight at the intro to his favorite song.

"Baby can you headbang?" Lindsay asked. Colton nodded his head vigorously, the closest he could come to headbanging anyway.

"You guys have the coolest kid on the planet."

"Just wait, he can almost play air guitar on command."

"Someone has been spending too much time with his dad and iTunes."

"I'm pretty sure Colton's first sentence is going to be "don't stop believing." We're so in for it."

"At least he's got good taste. Poor Isa's going to grow up liking Metallica," Flack said.

"Flack, you like The Offspring!" Austin shot back, her hand on her hip.

"And?"

"This fight is so old it's growing ear hair. Which is fitting since The Offspring is too."

"I wish I had hairy ears so I wouldn't have to listen to Metallica!"

"Well…"

"Shut up."

"You guys are ridiculous."

"We're stuck in a rut. Hey who wants cupcakes?"

Within a few minutes they were all gathered around the tables eating huge cupcakes with sprinkles on them. Colton had stared at his for a long time before taking a tentative bite. He was now mostly massaging it and taking an occasional taste of frosting.

"Do you see the death glare Isa's giving him?"

"She's like "Gimme some dang cake you jerk!""

"Colton can you share with Isa?"

He glanced over at Isa and shook his hand free of some of the cupcake. It landed in front of her and she grabbed at it, shoving it in her mouth as if it was the first real food she had ever seen. Which, besides baby food, it kind of was. Colton chuckled and took her cue, devouring what was on his hand and managing to "share" more with Isa in the process. Soon they were both quite covered in frosting and finding themselves very amused. It didn't take long before they were reaching over and stealing frosting from each other's faces to eat.

"I think it's time to clean up," Austin chuckled, noticing how much dessert was actually in her daughter's hair.

"We need to let them eat like this more often," Lindsay said, lifting Colton off the chair and taking him over to the sink. "I'm pretty surprised that the both managed to keep most of it off their clothes."

"Our children are all sorts of talented."

"Hey Aust?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for this."

"It was fun. Besides, this day is as much about you as it is about him."

"Maybe a little."

"Happy mama anniversary."

"Thanks."

* * *

The rocking chair creaked comfortably under their weight, a metronome of familiarity in the dark of night. They were quiet, staring at each other in these moments that were just theirs. She leaned down and kissed his forehead and he sighed, playing with her fingers as his eyelids dropped further and further. She looked at him for a while, noticing how his legs hung off her lap now, such a contrast to how he had fit completely in her arms just a year ago.

A small tear escaped her eye as the reality of all this hit her. One full year of her life was saturated with him. Twelve months where he had been her first thought, her last thought, and most of the thoughts in the middle. Fifty-two weeks of giggles and cuddles, new discoveries and cherishing moments. Three hundred sixty-five days of learning love all over again and knowing that nothing would ever be like this again.

Her heart clenched for the millionth time as she looked at him, running her finger over his face, loving him so much more every second that she could barely stand it. He sighed one last time and closed his eyes in blissful sleep. It pained her that their days of nursing were coming to an end, as he was pretty much disinterested except right before bedtime. He was growing up though, and it was time for them both to wean from that bond. It was okay, they would create more, when she read him a book before bed, or when her efforts finally paid off and he could read to her.

She touched his curls, noting once again that he needed his first haircut, but it would have to wait just a little while longer. She adjusted them in the rocking chair, pulling the blanket closer around them and closing her eyes, breathing in this moment, the last time he was a baby and not a toddler, the last time she could count his age in months. She rested her cheek on top of his head and catalogued every single feeling she'd had today. The joy of watching him grow far outweighed the melancholy of leaving babyhood behind, and she found herself anticipating the next year so much that her heart started to beat a little faster.

"You ready to put him down?" Adam asked from the doorway. She nodded and he crossed the room, pulling her up from the chair and into his arms. They stood there for a while, just the three of them, one unit together in the wake of the world. After a while, Adam leaned down and kissed Colton's cheek and Lindsay gently moved him to the crib. They made sure he was covered and warm, then slipped from the dark room and into the hallway.

"Adam."

She slid her arms around him and sighed letting a few more tears fall.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just kind of scary, you know. We have to teach him how to live in this big bad world. He's going to see horrible things. His heart is going to break and he's going to go through trials and I look at him now and I don't want him to have to do any of that. But at the same time he needs to, you know? He needs to find his own strength and learn how to deal and become a man. I just don't want to have to see him hurting. And I don't know if I will ever be able to teach him well enough, so he comes out of those things better instead of scarred and bitter."

"Do you remember that first night in the NICU, when we held him and we just looked at him for so long. Do you remember the things we said we wanted to teach him? Above all else, the three things he needed to learn?"

"To love people, to be a giver, and to do his best in everything."

"Those three things honey and he's going to be just fine. Yeah, his heart might break and he might have bad days, but in the end he's going to have those values and he's going to have us, and he's going to be okay."

"You talk good," she said with a sniffle.

"Well."

She chuckled and leaned up to kiss him.

"Thank you for hearing me. And reminding me. And holding my hand every day."

"And kissing you goodnight?"

"Especially that."

"Thank you for being the best mama in the whole world and Mars and Alpha Centuri."

"Thank you for being the best daddy in the whole world and Mars and Alpha Centuri and the Milky Way."

"And Andromeda."

"I should have paid more attention in the one astronomy class I ever took."

"What, for moments when my nerd is showing?"

"Exactly for moments like that."

"Well, one year down."

"The rest of our lives to go."

"Can you handle it?"

"Yes I can."

"Crazy ride."

"I wouldn't change it."

"I love you, darlin'."

"I love you too. Let's go to bed."


	74. Chapter 74

"Well what's a partridge, and what's a pear tree? Well I don't know so please don't ask me. But I can bet those are terrible gifts to give," Adam sang as he opened the door and took his coat off, shaking the snow off of it and hanging it on the hook by the door. He was in a good mood, despite an extra long shift and lots of tiny bits of trace to be identified. He supposed though that no matter how long and tiring the day was, he was so glad to be home that he seemed to forget about all the rest. The place was quiet for the most part, though he could hear the washer and dryer running. Lindsay never really started the laundry, and the fact that she had tipped him off that she wasn't in the most grand of moods.

"Hey honey?"

"Back here."

He found them in the nursery, Colton playing on the floor while Lindsay looked through his dresser drawers.

"Hi beautful. What's goin' on?"

"Not a lot. Have you seen that clip on tie?"

"You're going to make him wear a tie to the Christmas Eve party?"

"He'll look cute. And he can rip it off if he hates it."

"Guess so. Are you alright? You started the laundry."

"I called my mom today."

"Uh-huh."

"She's in a bad mood because the boys are all going to be with their in-laws this year, so she gets no grandkids for Christmas. And she started saying that we should have planned ahead better so we could have gone out there, and that even if we had the time we would probably go to Phoenix anyway. And then she has the audacity to tell me that she thought this New York thing was just a phase and I would be home in a few years but now I'm stuck here or something and I'll never move back there and Colton's going to grow up not knowing her and it was just so stupid."

"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her into a hug which she accepted gratefully with a sigh.

"It's not a big deal. I know it's because the boys aren't there and she's feeling neglected, but why didn't she get after them?"

"Because she sees them every Sunday night for family dinner. And you're an easy target."

"I hate that I feel guilty about it. I told her that this would happen though. I said that we were going to go between your parents and them every other year in the summer because that's the easiest and we would be here for Christmas. And it's not like they couldn't have come out here if she was that desperate. I'm just annoyed."

"That's okay hon. We'll call her in the morning and it will be all better."

"I know. Are you going to change before we go?"

"I don't know. What do you think?"

"Well I'm changing, but nothing too fancy. You look fine if you don't want to change."

"I'd better swap shirts at least. I mean, if the kid is wearing a tie, I don't want to look like a dude you picked up off the street."

"I appreciate that, baby."

They went into their bedroom to change clothes, Colton crawling after them and babbling.

"So how late do you want to stay tonight?" Adam asked, tossing his t-shirt towards the dirty clothes hamper.

"I don't know. Not too late, I'm kind of tired."

"Me too. Did you get any sleep today?"

"A few hours. Graveyards always throw me off."

"You know what I think is funny?"

"What?" she asked, pulling a red sweater out of the closet and shaking the wrinkles out of it.

"Mac. This whole thing was his idea. He's been getting really… domestic lately."

"That's what it is! I've been wondering what's up with him."

"I think it's being around the kids. Makes him all family oriented or something."

"Must be. Wouldn't it be weird if he settled down though?"

"Maybe. I guess the right time with the right person though. No one thought I would ever settle down."

"Ah, that's just because you're so attention deficit that you literally can't settle down."

"Gee thanks."

"Hey, it's one of the things I love most about you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean pretty much everything is the thing I love most about you, but for the sake of this conversation…"

"Dada?" Colton whined, grabbing onto the side of the bed and pulling himself into a standing position.

"What bud?"

He grunted and pointed at the bed, and Adam picked him up, gently tossing him onto the mattress. He squealed a laugh and rolled over, crawling over to the pillows and snuggling underneath them.

"Hey monster boy, get back here," Adam said, chasing after him with a playful growl. Colton snorted as Adam pulled him out from under the pillows and tickled him. They laughed together as they play wrestled on the bed, Colton's laughter loud and hearty. Lindsay chuckled as she watched them, loving the way they interacted and hoping it would always be like this.

"Mama!" Colton shrieked as Adam blew a raspberry on his stomach.

"Do you need to be saved?" she asked with a grin, climbing onto the bed with them.

"Get mama!"

Adam launched a tickle attack on her sides while Colton giggled and bounced up and down on his knees in excitement.

"No, no stop!" she laughed, fighting his hands, but only a little. He swooped down and kissed her then got up off the bed, taking Colton with him.

"Alright man, lets find your tie and get your coat on so we can go."

Lindsay watched them go, grinning wildly for a moment before getting off the bed and going in the bathroom to fix her make-up. This sight of her happy expression in the mirror almost stilled her, and made her smile even more. How she could be so annoyed one minute and absolutely blissful the next, she didn't know. She was convinced that Adam had some kind of magical powers.

"Babe, are you ready yet?"

"Yep," she said, shutting off the light and going into the other room. She slid into her coat, and they headed out into the winter night.

* * *

"So what are you guys doing tomorrow?" Lindsay asked, watching Colton out of the corner of her eye as explored Mac's living room.

"Hitting the Messers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Hopefully intervening any bonding between Isa and Louie because that man was born to be a bad influence."

"It amuses you."

"Well yeah, but…"

"Are you going to see your parents?"

She sighed.

"I don't know. I don't usually try to plan that."

"Hmm."

"It would be like Adam seeing his dad next time you're in Phoenix."

Lindsay wrinkled her nose in sympathy and shook her head.

"I wish… I don't know. I wish that I could say that I wish people like that would never procreate, but if they didn't I wouldn't have you or Adam, so…"

"Yeah. I guess we just break the cycle."

"If the cycle is the mold then you've already broken it."

"Ah, my life's mission complete."

They snickered together and listened to Mac and Stella in the kitchen, arguing about the proper way to make coffee.

"So um, those two?"

"Is there something going on?"

"You think I would know?"

"Aust, you know everything."

"Well if there is, I don't know about it. Personally I just think they like driving each other nuts."

"A pastime enjoyed by us all."

"Ah ah!" Colton shouted, pounding on the coffee table.

"What?"

He turned and looked at her, slowly letting go of the table and grinning.

"Dude, are you going to walk?" she asked, holding her hands out for him. He smiled and pointed at her, wobbling a little as he took a step. "You can do it buddy. C'mon."

Lindsay watched him but stayed quiet, not wanting to distract him from what he was doing.

"That's it, bud. Just a few more steps."

Squealing he took the last few steps and fell into her waiting arms with a giggle.

"You did it!" she said, kissing his cheeks. "Go get mama."

She turned him around and his steps were a little quicker as he made his way to Lindsay. She scooped him up and held him close, cradling him against her. He laughed with accomplishment and squirmed out of her arms, eager to exercise his newfound talent. He walked the few feet between them again and fell into Austin's lap happily.

"Is that a sentimental tear I see?"

"Shut up, he walked!"

Lindsay snickered.

"Hey Adam, you'd better come out here and see this."

"See what?"

"Your kid is walking."

Within a few seconds everyone rushed into the room, watching Colton as he walked from Lindsay to Austin and back again, clapping every time he reached his destination.

"Dada!" he grinned, changing courses and heading for Adam.

"Hey, good job little man. High five?"

Colton obliged, then pointed at the floor, now confident that he could head just about anywhere.

"You guys are in for it," Stella commented as Colton headed for the small Christmas tree.

"Now we really have to get out the baby gates," Adam agreed.

"Dude, don't put that in your mouth," Austin said, pulling him away from the tree and into her lap. He giggled as she fished the pine needles out of his mouth and Isa crawled over to investigate, not really enjoying the times when she had to share her mommy. She grunted and tugged on Colton's sleeve, trying to move him out of her spot. He took the hint and walked back over to Lindsay, throwing his arms around her neck and snuggling in contentedly.

"See, he'll always come back to his mama."

Lindsay nodded and kept her arms around him, noting how tired he was and how late it was getting. She stroked his hair back and kissed his forehead while he sighed against her.

"Daddy, I think it's time to go."

"Someone's getting tired?"

"And it's not just him."

He helped her up from the floor, finding Colton's jacket and putting it on him.

"Dada," he yawned, reaching his hand out and flexing it sleepily.

"C'mere dude."

Lindsay handed him off and he curled against Adam's chest, comfortably snuggling down because he knew he was safe.

"Are you guys heading out?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, we've got a little elf that's tuckered out and in need of his bed."

"Visions of sugarplums no doubt."

"Probably. Merry Christmas, Mac."

"Merry Christmas guys."

They said the rest of their goodbyes and headed out, making their way out to the car. Colton fussed when they put him into his carseat, but settled back down when they put a blanket over him.

"Do you remember what we did on Christmas Eve last year?" Adam asked as he started the car.

"Um… I think we were running on very little sleep. Changing diapers, making bottles. I do remember watching _A Christmas Story_ once or twice."

"Up for that again?"

"Sounds good to me. Want to sleep out on the living room floor and wait for Santa?"

"Sure. Wanna play some Nintendo?"

"Mortal Kombat?"

"Rad."

He grinned and reached across the console for her hand, lacing their fingers together while she put her feet up on the dashboard.

"Hey, did you see Mac push Stella out of the kitchen earlier?"

"The time he actually pushed her out, or the time he drug her out?"

"He drug her out too?"

"She was telling him that he wasn't making the cider right and he was telling her that he was making it the way his mom made it and she said it smelled funny, so he grabbed her and took her out of the kitchen."

"Both of them laughing the whole way."

"I think she'd hit the eggnog a little hard."

He snickered and shook his head.

"Were we ever that flirty?"

"Oh hon, even now we're way flirtier than that."

"We might be a little disgusting at times."

"Hey, I'm not disgusted by us. Do you think other people are?"

"Well if they are I don't care. I like flirting with you."

"You can flirt with me all you want."

"That might have been a little disgusting."

She smiled and tipped her head back on the seat.

"What are you thinkin' about?"

"Nothing in particular. I'm just really happy."

"Me too."

* * *

"Colton, you want to sleep out here with me and mama?" Adam asked, changing Colton into his Christmas pajamas. "We can watch a movie and eat some popcorn."

"Don't forget the hot chocolate," Lindsay said, setting the bowl on the floor.

"I could get used to this tradition," Adam commented as the story of Ralphie Parker started on the screen in front of them.

"Me too."

"Wanna give me some knuckles on that?"

"Reminds me of our wedding," she said as they exchanged a fist bump.

"We're memorable. Hey, you made cinnamon sugar popcorn. Thanks honey."

"You're welcome. Colton, you want some lukewarm chocolate?"

He took the offered sippy cup and tried a taste of it, then wrinkled his nose and handed it back to her.

"Not a fan, huh?"

He grabbed his sock monkey and settled in between them, grabbing a piece of popcorn.

"Mama?"

"Go ahead, you can eat it."

He popped the kernel in his mouth, then sighed and laid down, resting his head on her stomach.

"Hey," Adam whispered, tapping her shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"This is perfect."

"Yeah, it is."

He propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at her, running his fingers through her curls.

"I want to say something to you, but I can't think of anything that I haven't said already."

"I know."

She pulled him down into a kiss and held on for a while until they had to come up for air.

"Merry Christmas baby."

"Merry Christmas."


	75. Chapter 75

A/N: Guys we're almost in real time here! I mean not real time, but almost caught up to the present. Does that make sense? It does to me. Anyway, this chapter is the only idea I have left for a while, so hopefully my brain will start working sometime in the near future and I can figure out my next move. And sorry this is so long, I just couldn't get the ending to work the way I wanted.

* * *

"Just five more minutes."

"I gave you five minutes five minutes ago."

"I know."

"Adam."

"I really wanted like half an hour, so I figure if I ask for it in increments…"

"I gotta get up."

"Three minutes?"

"I have an appointment," she argued as he planted a warm kiss on her lips. "I have to keep it."

"Well maybe I've got an appointment that you just don't know about."

She chuckled as he rolled them a little, pressing gentle kisses to her neck and over her collarbone. Part of her wanted to just give in and stay in bed all morning, but the rational, go-go-go side of her knew she had to get up and get moving. She had appointments and errands to take care of, and she really wanted to get them all out of the way so they could enjoy the rest of their weekend.

"I have to go to the post office."

"Uh-huh."

"I have to go get groceries."

"Yeah."

His ignorance to her protests should have made her mad, but it really made her care less about them anyway.

"I have to go to the bank."

"Mm."

"You're making my life difficult," she near-whimpered as his hand began to fiddle with the drawstring on her pants.

"Mm-hmm."

"Baby, I'm serious," she managed to get out, clearing her throat. "I really have to go."

He sighed and moved away from her, making guilt settle in her chest. It wasn't often that they had so much time off together and she knew they should be taking advantage of it, but there were things she had to do this morning or they couldn't be done for days.

"Hey," she said softly, reaching over to run her hand through his hair. "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

He gave her a half smile as his thumb came up to soothe over her lips.

"You really think so?"

"Tomorrow morning we'll stay in bed until noon."

"Ambitious."

"So were you. I love you, remember that."

"I know. Go, get out of here."

"Thank you," she said, leaning down to kiss him quickly. "I owe you."

"That's what they all say."

Giggling, she chucked a pillow at his head and made her way into the bathroom. She was actually running a lot later than she had originally thought, so she showered quickly and dried her hair, then threw some clothes on and was out the door.

She would have walked had it not been for the time and the groceries she needed to get, so she took the car, navigating the slushy streets carefully and scanning through the radio stations until she found something acceptable. She hummed along with it, as happy as if it was a sunny spring day, not an overcast and murky end of winter one. If snow stayed white and if the cold did nothing more than make your nose pink, and if the streets never froze over, she could almost accept winter as a season. But the snow was gray, the cold put static in her hair, and the streets were death traps in most places, so winter to her was something to be gotten through and forgotten.

The drive was fairly short and once again she was glad they lived just outside of the reach of the city that the commute wasn't far and they could still find parking in most places. The car alarm chirped behind her as she closed the door and headed inside the building, going through three doors before she entered the office she was looking for. She signed in and sat down loving her Saturday appointments when there was no one else around. It made her feel less like a spectacle that she knew she wasn't, but was always afraid of being anyway.

She thumbed through one magazine before the receptionist invited her back to see the doctor. It was always a few seconds of apprehension as she stood up from the chair, always wondering just for a moment if she was going to be labeled as crazy and thrown in the loony bin. She knew it wouldn't happen, but it still scared her if she thought about it too long. The walk back to the office was short and she soon found herself seated in a familiar plush chair, sighing in comfort because she knew this routine so well.

"Good morning, Lindsay," Dr. Cathcart greeted, sitting down in her own chair. "I'm so sorry I had to reschedule the appointment."

"Oh that's okay. It worked out a little better this way," she said, her mind briefly flicking over to the look on Adam's face when she'd gotten out of bed just a little while ago.

"Good. I know we've cut down our sessions some, so I always worry a little if I have to move them around."

"It's not a problem."

"So how have you been feeling?"

The one thing that Lindsay liked about Emily is that she didn't beat around the bush or walk on eggshells. She jumped right in and it felt more like talking to a friend than a therapist.

"Pretty good. Everything's fine and perfect, so no complaints."

"How's work?"

"It's work. It's never an easy day, but it's worth it, so I can't really complain."

"Any cases bothering you lately?"

"No, we haven't been working on very much that's earth shattering. It's really been a lot of the same."

"And how are things at home?"

"Really good. Colton's walking now. He's into everything, chasing the cats, hiding in places we never thought he could get to. He's crazy."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Mixed. Mostly I'm happy and excited and I love watching him grow up and learn things and I can't wait to see what's next. But there's that little bit of me that wonders where the last year went and why I can't keep him a baby forever."

"I suppose that's fairly common."

"A year ago he was a newborn. And in that long he's been an infant and a baby and now he's suddenly a toddler. I'll blink twice and he'll be in preschool and heading off to college and getting married and having his own family. It went so fast. I guess I wish I could control it, you know? Just press a button and pause him, just for a second."

"Do you feel like you need that control to be happy?"

"No, because I'm happy without it. Sometimes I feel like I want that control… maybe to be safe. I want to control what happens to him and when because I want him to be safe. And maybe it's not so much of a puppet master kind of thing as it is a desire to make things as perfect as they can be."

"Do you think that you bring that into your marriage at all?"

"I don't know," she sighed, shaking her head. "I've never felt the need to. Maybe it's because I know I'm safe with him. I can't think of a time when I have honestly tried to control him or us or anything like that. Maybe I do and I just don't see it, but I really don't think I do."

"What about at work?"

"Yeah, maybe a little bit."

"How?"

"I go too fast sometimes. Jump to conclusions that I should have waited for because I want… not to be right, really. I guess I want to be able to direct things a little. Make people head in a certain direction. I guess I just thought that that's how I am, but maybe it was a little bit of that desire for control sneaking out."

"Is that something that you think needs to change?"

"Maybe not so much the action as the motivation behind it."

They talked for a while longer, touching on a few but not finding anything that needed to be talked over. Lindsay was doing really well now, and she found herself in therapy more out of habit than need. Soon she would be comfortable enough without it, but she made herself an appointment for next month anyway.

* * *

The line at the post office was long and she kept glancing at her watch, knowing she couldn't make it to the bank before it closed if she went to the grocery store first. She hated having to change her schedule around, but that's how it worked. She sighed and looked at the few packages again, making sure they were absolutely ready to send and there would be no delays at the counter.

Her cell phone chirped and she wrestled it out of her coat pocket, blowing a strand of hair off of her forehead.

"Hello?"

"Hey so remember when you got that big thing of spaghetti noodles figuring they would last us a while?"

"Yes," she answered warily.

"Guess who just poured the bag on the floor and stomped them all?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"All I did was go to the bathroom, and I come out and find this."

"Sweep it up and pitch it, I guess."

"I already did. And while I was doing that, someone went into the bathroom and had a little fun with your shampoo. And by fun I mean pouring it all over the cat."

"Oh no."

"So I am trying to clean that up and I wasn't sure if sticking him in his crib so I could get it done was a bad move or not."

"It's exactly what I would have done. I'm sorry he's being such a pill."

"It's okay. I just thought you might want to know."

"Thanks babe. I should be home in a couple hours."

"You'd better be. The kid is nuts today."

"Yeah, I hear the screaming."

"Hurry up."

"I will. Bye."

She clicked the phone off and chuckled to herself. It was really no different than any other day, it was just that the two messes were harder to clean up than when all the DVD's got thrown on the floor or the cat bed was upside down.

Finally she got to the counter and mailed the packages with relative ease, then headed back out to the car. She really hated going to the bank, and this close to closing on a Saturday, it was bound to be busy. She parked in the last available spot and headed inside, sighing at the line before her. The poor tellers all looked a little frazzled at the abundance of customers and she seriously considered just waiting to deposit their paychecks until Monday. She stood there for a moment, trying to figure out what bills would come due before she could make it back to the bank, if they had enough to cover everything, and if she would actually make it a few days without losing the paper checks.

She was just about to turn around and head back out the door when a loud yell came from behind her.

"Everyone down on the ground, you know what this is!"

There was a small part of her that was annoyed at the intrusion on her day, but a bigger part of her that carefully lowered herself to the floor with the other customers.

"Nobody move or it'll be your last!"

Slowly she opened one eye and looked around at the four men who had now locked the doors and drawn the shades and were holding rifles while directing the tellers to fill bags with money. They were all wearing masks of course, but she knew almost immediately who they were. Flack had been working on a case for the last few months, a group of drug dealers who had resorted to robbing banks to pay their way. He'd talked about it a lot, frustrated at the lack of leads and grainy surveillance videos. The last robbery had been bad, three tellers and one customer dead while the group made off with a good chunk of money. She knew that Danny had been helping with the case and had heard from Austin how frustrating the whole thing was because they were really no closer to closing the case now than when they had started almost six months ago.

She kept the information in the back of her mind for now, concentrating instead on the voices and the words they used and the way they moved, hoping that it could help later, when she got out of here.

There was a commotion behind the counter and one of the men jumped over it angrily.

"Did you push it?" he yelled, waving his gun. "Did you push it?"

They must have been talking about the emergency button that most tellers had behind their counter for moments like this. She gulped, almost hoping that the button hadn't been pushed, or that the teller could lie because this would not turn out well if the police were on their way.

"I'll ask you one more time. Did you push it?"

There was some silence and then a deafening gunshot, which had Lindsay wishing she could bury her face in the floor. The panic started to rise in her body and she stiffened, trying to ward off the panic.

"Well someone pushed it!"

Another shot, this one seemingly rippling the floor.

"Was it you?"

She cringed as each teller was asked and then shot without a chance to respond. She was desperate to run or to hide or to do something other than just lay here, but the panic and the memories kept her cemented to the floor.

She was vaguely aware of sirens in the distance, though they could have been very close, for as far into her head as she had drawn. She breathed deeply, trying to settle her heart rate, but the images were coming too fast and the smell of coppery blood and deathly gunpowder flooded through her mercilessly, ripping down every vestige of calm she'd so carefully put up.

The tile floor was cool underneath her. The light was unnatural and bright. There was water running. Silence. Screams. Gunshots. His face. The bells on the door. Red. Everywhere, red. Sticky. Life on the floor. Life on the floor. The phone. The voice. Kelly's eyes. Hide. The bells again. Lifted higher, into warmth. Dark night, bright lights, commotion, questions.

Bile rose in her throat as she recalled the snippets of memory, each one hitting her as if a bullet, slicing into her and taking over completely. She felt it in her knees first, the shakes that wouldn't go away. She willed them to stop moving focusing all her brain power on that rather than the thoughts that so desperately wanted to devour her.

It seemed like forever that she laid there, silently fighting her demons while new ones flew around the room, finding minds to embed in and stay forever. She squeezed her eyes closed and tried to think of anything else but what had happened, what was happening. Nothing came to mind, nothing broke through the panic and she knew she was going to that scary place again.

There was a loud crashing noise, the sound of glass breaking, shouting and gunfire, and she trembled, wishing for silence, praying for silence.

It actually came a while later and she wanted to look and see what was going on, but she couldn't make her body obey her mind. She could hear voices, urgent but comforting. The people who had been on the floor next to her started to move, and with everything in her she pushed herself up off the cold stone and back up against the wall, for standing wasn't an option right now. She heard Danny's voice first and the relief almost knocked the wind out of her. She wanted to be able to call out to him, to have some kind of contact with normalcy to break her out of the shock that she was slipping into, but it had her too hard. She just sat silently, her eyes fixed straight ahead, blinking slowly.

"Lindsay?"

Flack crouched in front of her, tipping her chin up a little to look at her.

"Are you hurt?"

She couldn't respond, as much as she wanted to and that scared her possibly more than the events that had just taken place.

"Hey Danny, Lindsay's over here."

Danny rushed to her side, his face one of panic as he and Flack looked her over, checking for injuries.

"I think she's in shock," Danny said, brushing her hair back from her face. She wanted to tell him that she was fine, just a little shaken up, she could handle it. But the truth was that she couldn't. She'd been pushed to far back into that diner and she could see no way out again.

"Linds, can you stand up?"

She managed a whimper and he hooked one arm under her legs and one behind her back, lifting her easily off the floor.

"You're okay, Linds. Let's get you outside."

The cold air hit her and she shivered in his arms, afraid he was going to drop her.

"It's alright, I've got you."

He took her to one of the ambulances and she wanted so badly to protest, to refuse the hospital but she couldn't make a sound. He lifted her up onto a gurney, then hopped up next to her, turning her to face him.

"Linds, I need you to talk to me."

She opened her mouth but words wouldn't formulate, much less come out. She tried so hard, closed her eyes and concentrated, but she couldn't make a noise.

"I think you're in shock. I want you to go to the hospital."

She shook her head almost imperceptibly and he shook his right back.

"Lindsay, you're freezin', your pulse is racin' and you're breathin' really heavy."

She bit her lip and silently begged him not to take her in. He sighed and pulled her closer, trying to get her warm.

"Want me to call Adam?"

She nodded as vigorously as she was able, then closed her eyes and tried to at least regulate her breathing. Danny was saying something, but she couldn't be bothered to figure out just what that was. She found her body responding a little more to her mental commands and she drew her legs up onto the gurney, wrapping her arms round them and resting her chin on her knees.

"Adam's on his way. You gonna be alright? 'Cuz you're kinda scaring me here."

She gulped and nodded, not fighting it when he pulled her head down to his shoulder. Part of her wondered if he knew about the diner. He knew something had happened, but she'd never really given anyone the whole story, save for Adam. Austin had filled in the gaps between the few details she had shared, and of course Mac knew, but she had never said much to anyone else. She hoped he knew somehow, or this freak out would seem a little silly.

She kept her eyes closed and took a deep breath before finally speaking.

"I heard it," she whispered.

"Heard what?"

"They shot them. All of them."

"I know," he said, rubbing her arm to try and warm her up. "You're okay, Linds. It's all going to be fine."

He held her tightly and it helped to calm her a little but she still wasn't completely at ease. She wanted to pull completely within herself and shut down, lick her wounds in private as she was so rarely able to do. She needed warmth and peace and quiet and safety and she wasn't going to feel that sitting out here in the cold and noise.

"Danny?"

"Yeah?"

"Are they okay?"

"I don't know."

She shuddered and wrung her hands, slamming her eyes closed again, and trying to put herself somewhere else. She concentrated hard on somewhere safe, somewhere that was happy before her life had ever spiraled so far down.

"Linds, Adam's here."

She opened her eyes and found him just a few feet away, and reality suddenly snapped back. She wrapped her arms around him as soon as he was within reach, and the waxiness crumbled out of her mind.

"Hey, hey, you're alright. I have you."

Her breaths were shaky and she finally just let go, the sobs pounding against her lungs almost painfully.

"Shh, baby, it's okay."

"It happened again."

"No it didn't. It's not the same."

"I'm falling apart," she whispered against him.

"No you're not," he said pulling her away from him and looking into her eyes. "You're not going to let yourself, honey. This isn't the same. Do you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe me?"

"Yes."

He kissed her forehead and wiped her tears away then wrapped her more completely into his arms.

"Why does this happen to me?"

"I don't know, baby."

"I want to go home."

"Let me talk to Danny real quick, okay?"

She nodded and he let her go for just a second, walking a few feet away to talk to Danny.

"She alright?"

"Yeah, she's fine. She gets flashbacks sometimes, to what happened. She just has to pull herself out of it. Sometimes it takes a while. She wants to go home though. You guys need to take her statement?"

"We'll get it later. Just take her home."

"Thanks Danny."

He walked back over and helped Lindsay off the gurney, making sure she was steady on her feet before they made their way to the car. He opened the door and she got inside, slowly running her fingers over the seatbelt before she buckled it. He watched her closely for a moment before he closed her door and went around to the other side.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you need anything?"

"I just want to go home. Please."

"No problem," he assured, wiping a tear from her eye.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"That I can't hold it together."

"Lindsay, first of all, you can hold it together and you do hold it together. Second, holding it together is not all that important if you're denying what you feel. And third of all honey, you're always going to have this hurt. It's a part of you. But it is in no way your fault. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you. Thanks."

"I'll take you home and cuddle you for a while, okay?"

"You're the best."

"Only for you."

"Where's Colton?"

"He's fine. Austin took him."

"Okay."

"Let's go home."

* * *

"You still cold?" Adam asked, handing Lindsay a cup of tea.

"Little bit."

He sat down and put his arm around her, kissing the top of her head.

"You want to tell me what it was like today?"

She sighed and stared down at the mug she held, watching as the tea leaves and the water reacted together.

"It was the closest I've been to that panic since it happened. It was like it just grabbed me all the sudden. I wasn't even sure what was happening now and what was coming back from then. I was okay until I heard that first gunshot. It feels like it ripped through me. Not pain so much as it was like… I can't really explain it, it was just like it took over. I don't like it, Adam."

"When Danny called me he said you weren't talking. Was it because you couldn't?"

"Yeah. I was trying, I just couldn't make words come out. I'm not sure why though."

"What do you wanna do about it?"

"Right now? I want to forget it. But I think that tomorrow I'm going to need to talk about it."

"I'll meet you wherever you are."

"I know that."

He took the mug of tea from her and set it on the table, then pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around both of them. He didn't say anything, just held her as safely as he could while she did what she had done so many times before and banished the fears and thoughts one by one until she could breathe easier, and the tears that coursed down her cheeks were of relief and cleansing.

"Lindsay, I want you to know that no matter how bad this hurts you or when it happens or anything like that, you never have to keep anything from me."

"I won't."

She leaned up and kissed him softly and he felt her relaxing, little by little.

"Maybe this morning you should have stayed in bed."

She couldn't help but chuckle at his observation, as she had thought the same thing several times in the last few hours.

"There's my girl," he said, tracing her smile with his finger. She closed her eyes and sighed, using his strength and stillness for herself for just a little while.

"Thanks for finding me every time."

The kiss to her forehead promised forever and no matter what. Even when her world was crashing down, or when she didn't even know where her world was, he would be there to hold her and cherish her and keep her safe.


	76. Chapter 76

"… so taking all the variables into account, I can tell you that your killer is between 5'8" and 5'11" and quite possibly ambidextrous," Adam said, running his hand over his face. "DNA says male of Caucasian descent, but it was too degraded for me to be sure of much else."

"So we're pretty much looking at most of the guys in Manhattan," Flack said, making a note in his book.

"Sorry I couldn't be more help. 'Course, you could find me some more evidence."

"Don't be a brat, Adam," Austin said, flicking his head.

"Don't be a bigger brat, Austin."

"You're so juvenile."

"Whoa, big word."

"I'm going to tell your wife how mean you are to me."

"She has to take my side, it's the law."

"You've been in the lab way too long dude."

"Pass that along to Mac, would ya?"

"No problem."

"If you two are done being twelve years old…" Flack muttered, casting them both a long glare.

"Yeah, we're done."

"Then let's go get this description out," he said, heading out of the room.

"Yeah, I'll be there in a minute."

He just shrugged and Austin turned back to Adam with a sigh.

"What's up?"

"Is Lindsay doing okay?"

He sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"She hasn't been talking to you about it?"

"A little in passing. I don't like to ask."

"She's alright. I think she's mostly annoyed that it got to her so bad. She's back to nightmares for a while. She'd probably talk if you asked her though."

"Has she gone to her doctor?"

"Not yet. I brought it up once and she kind of… let's just say she wasn't that receptive to the idea. She needs some time."

"I worry about her."

"She knows."

"Is there anything I can do for her?"

"Just what you've already been doing. She'll talk eventually."

"I just feel kind of useless."

"You and me both. But I think she's gotta do this on her own."

"She probably needs this weekend, huh?"

"Yeah, it'll be good for her. A little out of the norm."

"I'm not really sure how this other best friend thing is supposed to go," she sighed leaning against the table and crossing her arms. He nodded in understanding, kind of surprised that she was actually concerned. Lindsay's friend Karen was coming to town for a few days, and Lindsay had been excited about it for a while now. Austin and Karen had met at the wedding and gotten along just fine, but now he wondered if there was some kind of middle school "she's my best friend" rivalry going on.

"You wanna know something that Lindsay would never say, but I already know because I'm just that good?"

"What?"

"They may have known each other since they were little and Karen may have way more Lindsay stories than you and I will ever have, even put together. But when it comes down to it, you are her best friend. You're the one she tells stuff to, you're the one she calls when I'm being a pig, you're the one that knows her better. Karen knows the girl that grew up in Montana, but you know the person she is now and that's far more relevant."

"Why would she never say that?"

"Because in a million years you would never ask her."

"Oh."

"I'm not a complete idiot about women."

"No, not completely," she agreed with a smirk.

"Austin, get out of here."

"Later dude."

He shook his head as she left, then turned back to the computer, watching as it scanned through hundreds of fingerprints, looking for a match. It was times like this, when there were several cases to sort through and hundreds of pieces of evidence that he didn't mind being a little hyperactive. As long as he kept things organized, he didn't make mistakes or misplace anything, or do the wrong test on a piece of evidence. It was something he had actually been worried about when he stared work at such a fast paced lab, but he was nothing if not flexible.

* * *

Lindsay sniffled a few times and wiped her eyes before sitting up from the bed and raking her fingers through her hair. She was finding that if it got too quiet and she was alone for too long, the feelings hit her so hard she couldn't shake them. She'd press them as far down as she could, not wanting Colton to see her like that. He could always tell when her mood wasn't just right at it would make him upset too. She would hold it back until he went down for a nap, then escape into the bedroom, bury herself in blankets and let it all out. She always felt a little better afterwards, and was hesitant to say she was depressed when she really believed she was just sad. She couldn't fault Adam for asking if she needed to see her doctor, but the assumption that she was struggling so much had thrown her for a loop. She thought she had been keeping it quiet and doing a good job of it too. And as much as she loved his ability to read her, sometimes she wished for a little distance, a little privacy.

Maybe that wasn't it. Maybe she actually did want him to know. Maybe she did want to spill it all as she had before, let him take it from her for just a little while. It scared her to trust him that much, even though it came so easily. It was possible that she had been so guarded for so long, that having someone standing beside her threw off her normal routines of coping. She loved him and she trusted him, but sometimes she had to remind herself that he loved her unconditionally too.

Standing up from the bed, she straightened the blankets and fluffed the pillows, not wanting Adam to have any clues about her afternoon crying jags. She felt like a liar doing it, but someday when it wasn't so fresh she would come clean. For now, it needed to just be her own hurt. She went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face, drying off and checking in the mirror to make sure she didn't look as worn out as she felt. It was going to take a little makeup and a few minutes, but she would be back to normal soon.

"Mama?"

She waited for a second, listening to see if he was really up or if he was just talking in his sleep again. He was quiet and she went back to the sink, finding her makeup and applying a little more, then checking to make sure it had done its job. She looked no worse for the wear, so she turned the light off and went into the kitchen. The cats swarmed her ankles immediately and she realized she had forgotten to feed them earlier.

"I'm sorry guys," she said, crouching down to get some food out of the container and dumping it in their dishes. They scrambled for it as if they were dogs and she grinned as she watched them. They had definitely been living with Adam for too long.

She moved to the counter and was sorting through the mail when the door opened.

"Hi honey," she greeted, trying to put more lightness into her voice than she was feeling.

"Hey babe. I brought you something."

"Oh really?" she asked, turning around. "Hey Aust."

"Hi."

Adam took his coat off and headed into the other room while Lindsay gave Austin a puzzled look.

"What's up?"

"Linds, you know I'm here, right?"

"I know."

"And you can always talk to me, and crap like that."

"I know, Austin."

"Just keep that in mind, alright?"

"Okay."

"You don't have to fake it."

"I'm not faking anything."

"Linds, you're faking it. We both know it. I seem to recall us having a similar discussion once before. About three years ago actually."

"Austin, I'm fine," she said with a sigh, tossing an envelope onto the counter.

"You're lying to me, and that's okay, I get it, I've done the same thing before. But at least don't lie to yourself."

"I'm not! Austin, I'm okay. Everything is fine."

"Look, you don't have to tell me what's going on, that's not what I'm asking you to do. I just don't want to see you spiral down to the places you've been before. I don't want that to happen to you."

"Did you ever think that maybe there really isn't anything wrong?"

"Right, because you're completely emotionless and you never feel anything and you're superwoman and how dare someone tell you that you don't seem okay. Well I'm sorry for calling you out but hiding it like this is not going to help. You know that as well as I do. I don't want to see you hurting like that and I know you don't want to hurt but you're going to have to do something about it," she said, finishing off with a sigh. "I love you Linds. I gotta go."

Lindsay sighed and tipped her head back against the cupboard, wanting to call her back, but not having enough humility to do it. Austin was right. Lindsay wasn't quite sure why she had so adamantly lied about it. It would have been easier to just admit that she wasn't ready to talk about it.

She never really could make decisions based on logic at times like this anyway. It frustrated her more than she would like to think it did and she slammed her fist against the counter, wanting to release some of the tension.

"Babe, you okay?"

"Did you talk to her?"

"What?"

"Did you talk to Austin?"

"Honey, she was worried about you-"

"So you guys just talked about me?"

"Why are you mad? You know we're right."

"Adam, don't even…I know you guys are right and I just don't want to face it yet, okay? Is that so hard to understand? Do I have to be a blubbering mess all the time for you to think I'm okay? Do I have to fall apart to deal with it?"

"Linds-"

"Don't touch me, Adam!" she said, pulling away from his arms. It was probably the most hurtful thing she could have said at that point, or ever and she knew it, but her frustration stood in the way of her filter. He backed away, almost halfway across the room, and she internally cringed at the look on his face. She hated what this did to her and what it did to everyone around her, and she just couldn't watch it any more.

She was a coward in her next move, spinning around and grabbing her coat before heading out the door. She punched the button on the elevator wishing she could smack herself instead for being so stubborn and stupid and just plain asinine. She always hurt everyone around her as much as she was hurting, and that wasn't fair. She felt like such a failure and wondered why anyone would ever put up with this off-putting and immature behavior.

The elevator carried her down to the ground floor and she went outside, not sure where to go or what to do, or really how she had ended up here. She ended up just walking, meandering the streets as the late winter snow fell around her. Her anger subsided in the cold and she sighed, trying to sort out the emotions into a logical order.

Above all else, she was scared. Scared that something so horrible could happen to her twice in a lifetime, scared that it might happen again, scared that she was always going to be fighting to keep her head above the proverbial water.

She felt guilty too, for making people worry, for lying and not trusting, for shutting out the two people who knew her best and loved her most. She really hated herself for that last one. She could fix it, she knew that, but she hated that she was going to have to.

There was a little bit of anger left too, at the whole situation, at her past, at the fact that Adam and Austin had gone behind her back to talk about her. They meant no harm, and she knew that, but it made her feel slightly betrayed and like they didn't think she was capable of taking care of herself.

It was getting darker out and she wasn't quite ready yet, but the cold turned her around and sent her in the direction of home.

It was with her tail tucked between her legs that she opened the door and stepped inside, finding the place quiet. She'd really screwed up this time. She hung her coat on the hook by the door and took a deep breath before she moved down the hallway and peeked into Colton's room. The boys were standing by the window, watching the snow fall and her heart clenched at the sight for more reasons than one. Words escaped her so she leaned against the doorjamb for a while, steadying her breathing. This was the biggest fight she and Adam had ever had, the only one where she was foreseeing a lot of talking to make things right again. She had a feeling that when they went to bed tonight things would still be uncomfortable, and a horrible feeling settled in her stomach as she imagined them sleeping on opposite sides of the bed, a wide and cold chasm between them. Her chest ached with regret and she took a deep breath before speaking.

"Adam?"

He turned and slowly crossed the room to her, his eyes completely unreadable and foreign to her. There was no light in them, no flicker of happiness. There wasn't malice at all, they were just sad, disappointed.

"Colton, go see your mama," he said softly, handing her a warm bundle of child who wrapped his arms around her neck and nearly fused himself to her. Adam crossed the hallway into their bedroom and closed the door behind him, leaving her utterly clueless as to what to do. She wanted so badly to follow him but the gentle click of the door closing echoed in her ears and she stood rooted to the spot. This wasn't like him. He was usually right there to hold her and make everything right again. She felt like he had turned his back on her. And he wasn't just hurt. He was angry.

Slowly she walked across the hallway, leaning her forehead against the door and being careful to keep her sniffles quiet.

"I'm sorry Adam," she said, with all the volume she could muster. "I'm really, really sorry."

She stayed still but didn't hear any movement from inside. Her hand moved up and landed on the doorknob, but didn't move it and she felt more alone in that moment than she had in years.

"Mama."

"Let's go make some dinner buddy," she said, moving away from the door and feeling the pit in her stomach grow unbearably larger.

"Dada?" he asked, sensing the rift between his parents, even if he didn't understand any of it. She ignored his question and took him into the kitchen and opened the fridge to find something for dinner. Her eyes scanned as far as the second shelf before the tears came and she couldn't take it anymore. Her chin met her chest and she cried. Colton held onto her tightly, kept calling her name, but she couldn't catch a good enough breath to calm herself. She could tell he was crying too, little baby whimpers that brought the whole thing rushing into even greater perspective.

"Mama," he hiccupped, one chubby hand reaching up to pat her face.

She held him a little tighter and he placed a few sloppy baby kisses on the end of her nose, the best comfort he knew.

"It's okay," she managed finally, looking at him and wiping the tears off his cheeks. "Mama's okay."

He dropped his head to her shoulder and tangled his hand in her hair.

"You want some applesauce for dinner?" she asked, switching modes and settling him into his highchair. "How about some turkey?"

He smiled and she returned it, finding him some food and setting it on his tray. He ate a few bites and played with the rest while she sat at the table, her chin resting on her arms. A tear escaped every once in a while and she brushed them away wondering what her next move was going to be. She considered calling Austin to practice the apologizing and honesty, but she knew she had to deal with Adam first. It was only fair anyway.

"Mama?"

"What bud?"

"Pay?"

"Alright, let's play," she agreed, lifting him out of the chair and taking him into the other room. They sat down on the floor and he grabbed a dump truck immediately sucked into his own imaginative world, while she sat staring at the wall, praying that this would be over soon.

* * *

"Lindsay I want to talk to you."

She turned at the sound of his voice breaking through the quiet of the dark apartment. It had been four hours since he had closed the door on her and she had since put Colton to bed and cleaned the kitchen. She was wondering if he had effectively banished her to the couch for the night or if he'd just fallen asleep in there or what. She bit her bottom lip as she looked at him, her eyes full of unshed tears. She wasn't trying to make a puppy dog face but she knew that's how it looked.

"Come here."

She hesitated a little, not out of fear but out of shame and surprise that he still wanted her.

"Lindsay, come here."

She stood up and slowly made her way to him, trembling as his arms came around her and he held her to him tightly.

"We promised to never walk out in a fight."

"Adam-"

"You already got to have your say, now you get to listen. We promised, Lindsay. And you broke that promise and you walked out that door. And that made me mad. I'm still mad at you if you want to know the truth. I don't like to be mad, especially not at you."

She nodded and his hands came up to frame her face, his gaze intense as he looked into her eyes.

"Don't do that again."

"I won't. I swear," she promised, her breath speeding up as she started to cry again. "I'm so sorry Adam. I didn't want to hurt you."

"It's all over sweetheart," he assured, his heart still stinging from the flaming verbal arrows she had slung at him earlier. He knew it was because she was dealing with something and trying to do it alone even though it was not a one person job. She didn't lash out from anger as much as fear.

"I do need you," she confessed, feeling her knees getting weak at the thought of confessing. "You were right, I'm trying to ignore it and keep things from you."

"Like what, baby?"

"Don't be mad at me," she whimpered, wanting to bury herself in him. "Please."

"Just tell me."

"I lied. I'm not okay. And I'm really scared that I'm never going to be."

"I'm scared too," he said, brushing her hair back. "I can tell when you're not you."

"I don't like it, Adam. And I don't know how to fix it."

"Coming clean is a pretty good step."

"It's hard. I can't do it."

"Yes you can," he said, letting her go and grabbing her hand.

"Where are we going?"

He took her into the darkened bedroom and sat down on the bed, then pulled her down so she was sitting between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her hair, making her feel as comfortable and secure as he could.

"I cry a lot," she whispered, shuddering. "I don't want you to know. So I hide it because it's easier that way and I don't have to think about it. I don't want to be like that anymore, but I don't know what else to do. I have flashbacks. Way more than I have ever told anybody. What happened in the bank was just a catalyst. It only brought up everything I've been feeling and hiding and lying about. I don't want to lie to you anymore. I hate lying to you and you don't deserve it and I'm sorry."

"I forgive you," he said, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. "And I understand. But don't do it anymore."

"I need you to help me."

"I will. Whatever you need."

"When I tell you things like this, I need you to second guess me. Ask me if I'm telling you the truth. I've gotten so good at figuring out how much to say so I sound believable but good enough that no one needs to dig any deeper. I think I need you to stop trusting me."

"No."

"Not forever, just a little while."

"No. Lindsay I will do anything in the world for you. But not that. Not something that is going to hurt both of us so badly. Never. I can't."

"Adam, I need to be broken and put back together. I don't see another way to do this. I don't know how else to get better."

"Lindsay, you don't need to be broken. Your problem lies in the fact that you already think you are. You've always thought of yourself as less than other people because you hurt. But baby everyone hurts. I don't want to belittle what you feel, but you're not a lost cause. You're not beyond help. You have to stand up and take it. You have to be brave and face it. And I will be right here behind you the whole time."

"I know."

"You still feel guilty."

"I told you not to touch me and then I left."

"Lindsay, I forgave you. Yes it hurt, and yes, I am a little mad still. But it's not something you need to feel guilty or worry about. I love you. I am always going to love you."

"I know. It's the only thing that keeps me halfway sane."

She turned halfway in his lap so she could put her arms around him too and they breathed together for a while.

"Linds, we're going to figure this out and we're going to beat it. One day at a time. But I need you to hear me loud and clear right now. If we're going to do this together, we are doing it all together. No hiding, no lying, none of that. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"That starts right here. Right this minute, it's not just you anymore. Okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"And now I need to apologize too."

"For what?"

"When you came home, I was still pretty mad, and I needed to not be around you for a little while. I should have told you that instead of just shutting the door. I'm sorry."

"If you can forgive me for what I did, then I can definitely forgive you for that."

He smiled and kissed her gently, feeling the overwhelming need for connection, but knowing that the verbal part was more important to them both right now.

"I'm so glad you're mine, Lindsay. Every single day."

"I'm glad you're mine too."

"You look drained baby."

"I am."

"What do you need?"

"I need to go to bed. And I need to make up for what I said before."

"What do you mean?"

"I need you to touch me. I need you to hold me. That's all you wanted to do and it's what I needed and I just pushed you away. I need a do-over."

He gave her a little half smile then kissed her again, letting it linger for a while before he pulled away and looked into her eyes. He was met with a complete openness and love and he knew exactly what she needed. He leaned back a little and took his shirt off, then started in on hers, slowly undoing each button, then dropping it onto the floor. He took a second to drag his fingers over her shoulder and look into her eyes. She gave him a little nod and he reached down to undo her belt buckle and slide her jeans off. Within a few moments everything was in a pile on the floor and they were tucked in together in the middle of the bed. They both needed the skin to skin contact and the gentle caresses. Nothing more, nothing less, just that as it was, the most basic of comforts. Their foreheads pressed together, noses nuzzled, lips brushed, and hearts mended.


	77. Chapter 77

A/N: Got some new ideas coming up, so I'm not going to have to skip ahead as much as I thought I would.

* * *

"Well as much as I enjoy all your girlish squealing and gossiping about people that are total strangers to me, I gotta go," Adam said, standing up from the couch.

"But you're our manly man!" Lindsay protested, pulling on the hem of his shirt. "Without you, we don't have a boy for our boy/girl party."

"You won't miss me once you start listening to your boy bands and singing into hairbrushes."

"Linds how did he know our plan for the night?" Karen asked, tossing a pillow at her.

"Because I'm a genius. And I know how juvenile my wife gets when she's unsupervised around her friends," he explained, giving Lindsay a pointed look.

"That's was only that one time," she said, holding back a laugh.

"We still can't go to that bodega without getting mean looks."

"Well Austin shoulda paid attention to where she was walking."

"You shoulda paid attention to who you were pushing."

"Well anyway it was before we had kids. We're much better now."

"Oh sure, that's why you guys were racing remote controlled cars the other day."

"You and Danny were the ones that thought it would be a good idea to coat the counters with Crisco and drive the cars over it."

"And every time you look at the dent in the wall, you're gonna laugh."

"We can't forget to fix it before we move out."

"Alright. Is Austin coming over tonight?"

"Yep."

"God bless this house and all who are in it…"

"Adam, go to work."

"I love you."

He leaned over the back of the couch and kissed her, taking a few extra seconds just because he could.

"I love you too. Be safe babe."

He tweaked her nose and left the apartment and she sighed a little while she watched him go.

"You guys are disgusting."

Lindsay looked down at Karen and glared.

"What makes you say that?"

"I dunno, you just are."

"Well thanks, but I put up with you and Doug sucking face daily since the seventh grade, so I am pretty sure you can handle a goodbye kiss."

"You were just jealous."

"Of you and dog breath? Not even."

"I will never understand why you and Doug hate each other so much."

"First grade. He stuck a lollipop in my hair and I missed the Christmas party tryna get it out!"

"I've heard the story. I just don't know why you still hate him for that."

"I don't really hate him, I just like to say I do. He's like another one of my brothers only if I kill him it doesn't increase my percentage of inheritance."

"Then why'd you let me marry him?"

"Because he loves you and you love him and therefore I love him too, no matter how much he can get on my nerves."

"Oh I see."

"Besides, he's proven he cares about me too… I seem to recall many a tongue lashing from him to those jerks that called me Typhoid Mary."

"Man, high school sucked."

"Once we got out though, we seemed to make up for that."

"Road trips to nowhere."

"Dance parties in the parking lot in the wee hours."

"Chasing geese."

"That will never be fun in any other context."

"There was the time that the one goose tripped and made you laugh so hard you fell into a mud puddle."

"I miss college," Lindsay sighed.

"You were the best roommate ever."

"Thanks."

The door opened and Austin stepped in, kicking her Converse off in her version of a greeting.

"I saw your butthead in the hallway. Did you let him cut his own hair again?"

"I apparently don't _let_ him do anything, but I did happen to leave him home with the scissors."

"He looks goofy."

"I told him he missed a spot and I am not going out in public with him until he fixes it."

"Is he really that cheap that he won't spend ten bucks for a haircut?"

"No, he's just male."

"Austin I have to thank you for saying something because I so wanted to," Karen said with a giggle.

"Don't make fun of him," Lindsay half pouted. "He's cute."

"He is a major dork."

"Yeah Linds. He's like one of those guys we would have made fun of in middle school."

"You guys are mean! I love him in case you haven't noticed. Plus he just so happens to be the best husband in the world, so you two can shove it."

"Oh, she's getting mad," Austin said, raising her eyebrows.

"Look, she's making that face."

"You guys are the worst friends ever," she teased reaching down to smack them both with a pillow.

"I love you too Linds."

She stuck out her tongue then sat up on the couch, tossing one of Colton's stuffed animals into the toy basket across the room.

"I don't know about you guys, but I am going to need some ice-cream if I'm going to stay up much longer."

"You always need ice-cream," they said together, looking at each other and grinning.

"Oh my word, I knew getting the two of you together was going to backfire."

"Two scoops please," Austin requested.

"Haven't you had like five gallons of ice-cream in the last week?"

"What's your point?"

"I just think it's funny. Eating for two again and all that."

"You're pregnant?" Karen asked with a smile.

"Just a little."

"You brave woman. How close are they gonna be?"

"Fourteen months apart, give or take some weeks."

"You're going to love it."

"I'm kind of looking forward to the chaos. And if it's a girl… oh man, poor Danny."

"I can't wait," Lindsay said, handing them each a bowl of ice-cream. "We need a newborn around here again."

"You could contribute you know."

"Maybe someday. We'll see."

"You guys plan it and we're like oh hey, again?"

"We didn't plan Colton. Well we did, just he kinda showed up about a year before we were thinking he would."

"Linds, once you get to kid number five you're going to find that all the planning you've been doing is a big cosmic joke," Karen said, taking a bite of her ice-cream.

"Nah, I am pretty sure Lindsay can plan the world and the world shall obey."

"I don't do that, I am just really good at convincing people that was my plan all along."

"Can I be you when I grow up?"

"Austin you're never going to grow up."

"Small technicality."

* * *

"Oh man, I ate too much," Karen groaned laying black on the floor. "I haven't gorged that much since that week when we decided to try every dish at the Chinese restaurant."

"As full as I am… everything on the Chinese menu sounds so good right now," Austin admitted, spinning a Funyun around her finger.

"Austin we just downed an extra large pizza with everything on it, all that ice-cream and a package of Twizzlers."

"What's your point?"

"Nothing I was just making an observation."

"Oh, okay."

"Mama!" Colton shouted from his room.

"Oh my word why is he up?" Lindsay groaned, struggling off the couch. "It's one in the morning."

"He knew we had food."

"Probably. Now that he's walking he's hungry all the time."

She made her way into the bedroom and found him standing in his crib, a huge grin on his face.

"Hey dude, what's up?"

"Wahna?"

She yawned and took the sippy cup of water off of the dresser and handed it to him. He drank it quickly then tossed it to the floor.

"Go back to sleep."

"No mama."

"Yes."

She laid him down and covered him with his blanket and he grunted and sat up again, ready to play.

"Baby, it's late, you need to go to sleep."

"Pay mama."

"No, we're not going to play. You're going to go to sleep."

She laid him down again and left the room, hearing his cries of protest even as she shut the door.

"No, one of my favorite things is watching Lindsay get hit on," Karen was saying in a tone that seemed like she was divulging a secret. "She gets all flirty and talks about some fictional boyfriend that's a sniper or a wrestler or some crazy thing and these guys would still offer her rides home or to buy her a drink or something. Totally unfazed like they couldn't handle themselves around her. And she would just stand there and let them make fools of themselves."

"Quit flappin' your gums," Lindsay admonished.

"She asked!"

"Yeah, Adam said she's got some good stories."

"Oh great," she muttered, flopping down onto the end of the couch. "Just let me know when it's over."

"Did she ever tell you about the time she broke Jordy's leg?"

"I did not break his leg!" Lindsay clarified. "I just so happened to be the ring leader in the stunt that he was participating in when his leg got broken."

"I must hear this."

"It was back when we worked at the grocery store, and Lindsay had just become a manager. Well one Saturday night we're all pulling a graveyard to put out the shipment for the next week. And there's like five of us in the backroom and it's just piled with all this stuff and we're having a hard time getting around. So Lindsay has the brilliant idea that we should put the ladders away and just climb up on merchandise to get to stuff. All of us being like seventeen years old think that is grand idea. But after awhile, Lindsay gets bored of that because scaling 12 feet of cereal is not that thrilling after all. So she starts jumping off of it to get down. Now most of us had grown up on or around farms and we spend hours upon hours jumping hay bales and hay rolls and all sorts of things and we know how to land so we don't get hurt. But Jordy was a city boy and he had never landed a thing in his life."

"I can see where this is going."

"I think it was about halfway down he started to realize what he was doing and he started windmilling in the air and he hits the concrete floor there was like this second of silence and then he gasps really loud and just kind of slumps over, passed out. So Lindsay's frantic, none of us know what to do and of course one of the guys says "Oh man, I bet his leg jammed up through his body and sliced through his stomach!" which we all know is impossible, but serves to freak us out more anyway."

"So what did you do?" Austin asked with a chuckle.

"Someone suggested calling an ambulance and Lindsay was like "No way, they'll come back here and know what happened and it'll be my fault because I'm supposed to be responsible or something!" So once he wakes up we take him out to her car and she's going to drive him to the hospital, but he's laughing hysterically because he's in shock and she doesn't want to be alone with him because she's afraid of him or something. So she goes back in the store and calls the owner and she's all nervous and stuttering and finally I hear her go "But I didn't tell him to jump, he just did it out of his own stupidity!""

"Well it was the truth. He didn't have to jump."

"Oh poor kid. He was on crutches forever."

"Lindsay you maimed a guy!" Austin laughed. "I am so proud of you!"

"Austin, shut up."

"You haven't even heard the best story yet."

"There is one that tops that?"

"This one customer was being a real nightmare one day and someone had the brilliant idea to let Linds deal with her. So the lady is standing there ranting and cussing and generally disrupting the whole store. And Lindsay is going "Ma'am… ma'am… ma'am," and the lady won't shut up. So finally Lindsay stomps her foot like she's three and goes "Ma'am, you need an attitude adjustment and I am going to give you some options here. You can either adjust it yourself and return to the normal state of being that most people are a part of, or I will adjust your attitude for you and let me just say it ain't no wussy outpatient procedure.""

"Oh my word. What happened?"

"The lady left the store and Lindsay got a promotion."

"Oh man. You're cooler than I thought you were."

"Yeah, whatever," she said, shaking her head. Everyone had always said she was a firecracker and she wondered where in the world that had gone too. She was more of a slow burn now, like one of those Pagoda fireworks that is lit and slowly pops up to full size. Her mouth could probably get her into more trouble now that she sometimes faced the business end of a gun than it could back then when the worst she ever faced was a cranky customer with a huge purse.

"Mommy!"

Lindsay lifted one eyebrow and looked at Austin, who seemed a little confused herself.

"Was that your child in there, because he never says mommy."

"I think it's because he's whining. Mommy sounds weird. That's your name."

"You have a strange child."

"He's is father," she said, standing up once again. "This may take a while."

She made her way back to the bedroom and Karen waited until she was out of earshot to speak.

"Austin can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is Adam good enough for her?"

"What do you mean?"

"Just what I said. Is he good enough for her? Does he make her happy? I haven't been around them together as much as you have so I don't really know."

"He's good enough for her. And she's happy. Crazy, insane, drive everyone else nuts kind of happy. And we tease her about being spoiled and living in a fantasy world because not everything can be this perfect all the time, but really, for them it is. They know each other so well that it's almost scary. I mean, Danny and I know each other completely, but we've also spent most of our lives together. Adam and Lindsay on the other hand know each other just as well after only, what four and a half years of knowing each other? I'm sure there's fights they have and things she doesn't tell me about, but she loves him enough to never cast him in a bad light."

"He takes care of her then? She doesn't know that I know much about the depression, but he's okay with it?"

"Yeah. He's really supportive. She doesn't tell me that much about it, but he's said some stuff to me before when he's been worried about her. When it comes down to it, he's kind of tough love on the issue, which is what she needs because she would devour a man that coddled her."

"She'd eat him for breakfast."

"He's figured out a good balance I guess. She told me once that no matter how bad and how dark the day, once she tells him it all sort of fades and it's not so bad anymore. She trusts him with that. And they're still as in love as I have ever seen two people be."

"That's what I've always wanted for her. I was so afraid that she would never let anyone in, and if she did he wouldn't be good enough and he'd tear her down. And she doesn't need that again."

"No, she doesn't. He is completely the opposite of those lowlifes she was with before. I mean you only have to hear him talk about her once to see how much he loves her. He makes these little passing comments sometimes, like the other day he was telling me how she had a million things to do and errands to run and all this. And she was still going to bring him lunch or something, and he just said "My wife is amazing, isn't she?" And it wasn't like he was trying to get anything from saying that, he was just stating a fact that still almost surprised him. And they always talk about who is luckier between the two of them and it's almost sickening how lucky they both really are."

"I was kind of worried that it was too much of a good thing, you know? Too much fairy tale and it wouldn't last."

"It'll last. Believe me. I am just as sure about them as I am about me and Danny. And that is a big kind of sure right there."

Lindsay stood in the hallway and listened to their words, not catching everything, but getting enough that a tear trickled down her cheek and she backtracked into the bedroom and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"Hey babe. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to say hi and I love you."

"Hi and I love you too."

She smiled and twisted a strand of hair around her finger, flashing back just a moment to some of their very first late night phone calls, when everything had been electrifyingly new and adventurous, every touch and I love you had given her chills.

"Are you sure everything is okay?" he asked, breaking through her reverie.

"Yeah. It's perfect."

"You know what I was thinking?" he asked, and she could see him leaning back in his chair, fighting the urge to put his feet on the table.

"What?"

"Once it warms up we should get out of here for a weekend. Take Colton and go camping. Get nothing but fresh air and fish and swimming in a lake somewhere."

"That sounds really good."

"Plan?"

"Plan. And get your feet off the table."

"You know me too well."

"I like it like that. I'll let you go. Sorry if I distracted you."

"You're my favorite distraction and I was just sitting here waiting for results anyway."

"Do you know how irresistible you are?"

"Yeah, and you remind me quite often, but I must say that I'm not the only one."

"When are you coming home?"

"You'd best loose that voice madam, I'm at work."

"I'm going to drive you crazy until the day you die."

"I'm takin' you with me."

"Deal."

"I'd better go. I don't think the city of New York likes to pay its employees to flirt with their spouses on the phone."

"I don't think the city of New York likes to pay its employees."

"Touche' my dear. I'll see you later."

"Don't forget to come home with your eyebrows still intact."

"I love you too babe."

She smiled and hung up the phone, her glance falling to the side table where one of their wedding pictures stood. She could attribute their happiness that day to naïveté or excitement or not really knowing what the world could throw at them. But when she looked at them now, saw how they were impossibly happier than on that crisp fall day, she knew their happiness had never had much to do with their surroundings. What it came down to was what so many people had said so many times. "You two really found each other." It was true though. They really had.


	78. Chapter 78

Her boots clacked against the tile floor of the buildings entry way and she hurriedly wiped them on the mat by the door. It had been a perfect spring rain, cold, but with that smell of life that only happened once or twice a year. She'd walked just a little slower from the car to the building, just so it could get her hair wet and cling to her clothes, like the promise of a new season that wasn't going to go away.

She took the stairs instead of the elevator, simply because she had the time and the energy, something that she had missed in the winter months. The mornings were a little brighter when they were warmer, and hopping out of bed as soon as the alarm went off was getting slightly easier. Of course, the leaving for work part wasn't as enjoyable, but she tried to focus on coming home instead.

She was met at the door by a worried Adam who handed her the phone.

"What happened?"

"Call your mom."

"Why?"

"Honey, just call your mom."

She stared at him and then at the phone for a moment before shaking her head.

"What's going on?"

"She's been trying to reach you all afternoon."

"My phone died."

"Call her, please?"

"You're making me nervous," she said, shedding her coat and hanging it by the door. "Is it that bad?"

"Sweetheart, please."

Giving him a look and a sigh, she sat down on the couch and dialed the long distance number, her stomach doing flips of uncertaintly.

"Hello?"

"Jake? Didn't I call mom?"

"Uh, yeah. I've got her phone."

"What's going on?"

"Do you want to talk to mom?"

"No, I want to talk to someone who is going to tell me what the heck is happening over there."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. Sis, dad had a heart attack."

"What?" she squeaked, clutching the phone closer to her ear as her breath started to come in gasps.

"Him and Taylor were out in the back field bringing in the cows in and she said he just fell down. She managed to get him onto the Mule and back to the house and mom called an ambulance."

"Is he okay?"

"He's in the cath lab right now. We haven't heard much else."

"Well… how was he when he went in there?"

"I don't know sis. I just got here. Wanna talk to Eli? He got here a few hours ago."

"Yeah."

"Hey Leonard," Eli said, his voice soft as he used her childhood nickname.

"Hey, how's dad?"

"He's strong sis."

"Eli."

"I got here just as they were bringing him in. He was… kind of gray looking. He was awake but he wasn't really talking or anything, just kind of staring at the ceiling."

"Is he going to be okay?" she asked, choking back the tears that wanted so badly to fall.

"Linds… I don't know."

"Should I come out there?"

"I don't know."

"I'm on the next flight."

"Linds-"

"Don't try to talk me out of it Elias William Monroe."

"Alright. I'll call you as soon as we know anything."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll talk to you in a while."

She sniffled and hung up the phone, turning to look at Adam who was sitting quietly beside her.

"Do you know? Did they tell you?"

"No, your mom only said they were taking him to the hospital, she didn't say what happened."

"He had a heart attack."

The words stuck on the end of her tongue and she wasn't sure if she had actually said them or not. Adam's arms went around her tightly and she leaned on him for a second before jumping off the couch.

"I need to go out there, Adam."

"I know. Go pack, I'll see if I can find a flight for you."

"Really?"

"We've got credit cards and this is an emergency. Go."

"But what about work? What about Colton? Who is going to feed you guys? I haven't been shopping-"

"We'll manage. I'll talk to Mac about work, Austin and Stella can help with Colton. It's going to be just fine baby. You don't worry about here."

"Okay."

"Go pack."

She turned and went into the bedroom and he took the laptop off the table, sitting down on the couch and starting his search for a plane ticket. He hated that this was happening, but it was really bad timing on top of that. Lindsay was supposed to go back to her doctor soon, in two days in fact. It had taken a lot to get her to agree to even keep the appointment, as talking about things was harder on her when it was so fresh. He knew she needed to go and now she wasn't going to be able to. Not to mention that this was going to throw a brand new wrench into the works of her progress. He hoped she went out there for no reason, that her father, a man she had basically idol-worshipped most of her life would be just fine. He knew it was not proper to be thinking about it that way, but he couldn't help but look at the effect on her first.

He scanned through several sites and finally found a cheap fare for early the next morning. He booked it, even though she was going to have to change planes twice. At least she would get there. He made a note of the flight times and stood up from the table, joining her in the bedroom. She was frantically throwing clothes into a suitcase and it was the least organized and planned her had ever seen her. She looked like a whirlwind and he knew she needed to be reigned in for a second.

"Sweetie?"

She turned to look at him, her eyes full of tears that spilled gracefully as she walked into his waiting arms.

"He has to be okay," she said, sniffling as he ran his hands up and down her back.

"I know."

"He can't… he just can't."

"Shh, don't think like that."

"But-"

"Honey, look at me. You don't need to think about that right now, okay? You just need to focus on getting out there and seeing him."

"I'm not ready for this. I'm not old enough. He's my… he's my… my daddy. He can't do this."

"I know baby. He's gonna need you when you get out there. I'm betting that smile of yours is going to work wonders."

She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Pick that skirt up and step over it, Nancy," she muttered, wiping her eyes.

"What?"

"That's what dad always said when we were bellyachin' about something stupid. I don't remember where it came from but my grandmother's name is Nancy, so I am pretty sure it's something my grandpa said to her."

He smiled and kissed her forehead before she stepped away, finishing packing her bag.

"I got you a flight for tomorrow morning. We'll have to get up kind of early."

"S'okay. I don't think I'll sleep tonight anyway."

* * *

The next morning broke dark and gloomy as they made their way over rainy streets to the airport. Her chest was tight with exhaustion and worry and many more emotions that she couldn't even sort out. Adam parked the car and turned it off and they both just sat there for a second before saying anything.

"I wish you were coming with me."

"Me too. I brought something though," he said, pulling a Sharpie out of his pocket. She grinned a little, the last time feeling like forever ago.

"We should just get permanent ones," she said as he slid the marker over her skin, leaving his words there.

"Are you serious or joking?"

"I'm tired, so I don't know."

"C'mon, we'll walk you in."

They got out of the car and headed to the ticket counter, checking her bag and making sure everything was in order before going over to the security checkpoint.

"Colton say bye to mama."

Colton grinned and leaned out of Adam's arms, hugging Lindsay around the neck and planting a sloppy kiss on her.

"Bye mama."

"Bye baby. You be good for daddy, alright?"

"Daddy," he agreed with a nod. She smiled and Adam hugged her tightly, wishing more than anything that he could be going with her.

"Call me when you land, okay?"

"I will."

"And eat something when you get a chance."

"I'll try."

"And don't talk to strangers on the plane."

"What about snakes on a plane?"

"You're a Parselmouth?"

She snickered and gave him a quick kiss.

"I'd better go before I can't go."

"Alright. We love you."

"I love you too."

She took a deep breath and walked away and Adam sent up a quick prayer to a God he rarely thought about to keep her safe in every way.

* * *

The flights were long and uncomfortable, but passed by in a blur as she half slept, half worried. By the time the plane touched down in Gallatin Field she was a twist of emotion, and definitely needing the big sky and fresh air to calm her. She called Adam first to let him know she was alright, then called Eli to come to pick her up. He was waiting outside once she got her luggage and she left it sitting on the sidewalk as he swept her into his arms.

"Hey sis. You doing okay?"

"I'm fine. How's dad?"

"No change. The doctor said some stuff about heart muscle, but I was sure you would talk to him yourself once you got here, so I only paid attention to the pertinent stuff."

"Big word for you there, brother."

"I'm getting better."

"Is dad awake at all?"

"He's conscious, but I don't think he's aware of much. He just kind of stares at us, like he's trying to figure out what's going on. It's not as bad as when gramps was in the hospital, but it's still not fun."

He hugged her a little tighter then let her go, stooping down to pick her suitcase up off the ground. He tossed it into the back of the truck, then opened the passenger door for her. She slid in and buckled her seatbelt and waited until he got in to lean over and change the radio station.

"Between you and the wife and kids, I never get a say in what to listen to," he muttered as the local country station blasted out of the speakers.

"It's Clint Black, you like him. I remember you belting out this song a time or two."

"Okay, you win."

She managed a small smile and rolled down the window, closing her eyes as the wind whipped over her face.

"Sis, have you eaten?"

"A little."

"And the truth?"

"No, not yet."

"You're not seeing dad until you eat."

"Eli, I'm fine."

"You're going to eat because you know mom is going to ask and if you have to tell her no you're going to be in big trouble."

"Okay, okay you're right."

"We'll get something at the hospital cafeteria."

"So you want me to eat but you also want me to throw it up about five minutes later."

"Their food's gotten better, I swear."

"Whatever," she said, grabbing the bottle of pop from the cupholder and taking a swig.

"Gross, warm Pepsi."

"I didn't tell you to drink it."

"At least it's not like I accidentally chugged out of someone's spit cup."

"Speaking of throwing up," he said, shuddering at the memory. She grinned a little and watched out the window as the town went slowly by the window. Country music and fresh air always took her back to carefree summers as a kid, running barefoot for three whole months, even to church because there was no point in putting shoes on such dirty feet. Dirty blonde hair up in braids that were over a week old, grass stains on the skin of her knees, mosquito bites littering her arms. Getting up at the crack of dawn and running wild until the crickets chirped their last. Climbing trees and exploring the woods and the only care was what kind of snake just shot through the brush ahead of you. Her feet itched to be free, but she was too old to run barefoot now, so encased in socks and shoes they stayed.

"What'cha thinkin' about so deep over there?"

"The whippin' rock," she answered, pointing to a boulder on the side of the road where her dad had once pulled the car over to spank all three boys for tormenting her after repeated warnings to leave her alone. The talking back had really been the final straw, and Lindsay remembered sitting in the car trying not to smirk as the boys lined up against the boulder to receive their spankings in front of everyone on the highway.

"Your favorite story ever."

"Justice had never been so sweet."

"You've always been daddy's favorite."

"Favorite daughter maybe."

"I'm glad you're here sis. It's going to be good for him."

He turned the truck into the hospital parking lot and she sat there for a second, as hesitant as she had been this morning.

"Eli… I don't want to see him like this. Tubes and machines."

"I'm not gonna lie sis. It's not easy to see. But under all that stuff he's still daddy."

She sighed and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders for a second before letting her go.

"Let's get some food in you, alright?"

"Okay."

They went into the hospital and he led her down to the cafeteria, paying for a fruit bowl and bottle of water for each of them, then finding a table in the corner.

"Mom and I got in a fight last time she called," she confessed, realizing just how long it had been since she'd been in contact with most of her family.

"I heard."

"She still mad at me?"

"No, she knows you were right. And I doubt she's really thinking about that right now."

"Yeah," she said, stabbing a piece of watermelon with her plastic fork.

"Is Adam gonna be okay while you're gone?"

"He'll be fine. He's more capable than you are."

"Thanks sis."

She grinned and stole a strawberry out of his bowl while he took a piece of cantaloupe out of hers.

"It's going to be okay," he said after a moment. She just nodded and pushed the last little bits of food around her bowl.

"You ready?"

"Yeah, let's go."

They dumped their garbage and headed upstairs, coming too soon to stand outside their dad's room.

"He might be asleep and he might not really act like he knows you're there, but I think he does. I'm going to stay out here so you can have a few minutes, okay?"

She nodded and placed a hand on the doorknob, taking a deep breath before turning it and stepping inside.


	79. Chapter 79

"Daddy?"

Her voice was shaky as she touched his hand, finding it clammy. His eyes were closed but fluttering and she wondered if he was just waking up or just falling to sleep. He was on a few machines but she tried not to look at them or the readouts. She didn't even want to sneak a peek at the chart that was hanging off the foot of his bed.

"Daddy, it's Lindsay. I know you're thinking I'm a dern fool for flying all the way out here just for you."

His eyes fluttered again and opened slowly and she smiled.  
"Hi daddy. I don't know if you can hear me or what. I love you. And you're going to get better, I know it. You're far too stubborn to let someone else do your job for much longer. Besides, you've got even more important things to do than that. You've got a grandson that you haven't had the chance to meet yet."

She sighed and held back a tear that wanted to fall.

"Maybe we should have tried to come out here for Christmas. It might have been doable. Sounds so dumb now, doesn't it? Worry about who is going to spend what holiday where. I'm guessing you bore the brunt of that disgruntlement, didn't you?"

One of his fingers flickered and she grinned.

"Yeah, you probably rolled your eyes a lot, didn't you? I was always more like you anyway. I know that drives her crazy. She finally gets a girl and all I want to do is roll in the dirt and work on cars. I know she loves me, you always said that, but you understood me better. You always did. You gotta get better, daddy. I still need you. We all do."

She sniffled and leaned down to rest her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and wondering if it was strong enough to keep going. She remembered being a little girl and sitting in his lap, the pens and pencils in his pocket pressing against her cheek. She would sit there late at night, listening to his stories before she went to bed. He'd carry her upstairs and tuck her in, kissing her before he left the room and she would go to sleep completely safe.

"You probably think I'm bein' silly sittin' here sniveling by your hospital bed, don't you? You always wanted us to think you were indestructible. I think I always thought you were. I maybe even thought that until yesterday. But this is just a little thing, right? It'll be over soon and you'll be back to work."

The door creaked open slowly and she turned to see who was coming in.

"Mama."

"Hi sweetheart," Anne said, leaning down to hug her. "How are you?"

"I'm fine. Are you okay?"

"I'm getting there. I've never seen him like this before."

"I know. It's not pleasant. Adam was in the hospital once and it really throws you."

"When was that?"

"Before we got engaged. I panicked when it was all over."

"I'm thinking this is gonna hit me in a few days."

"How's Taylor?"

"I don't know. She just went home to get cleaned up. She hasn't said much. I think she feels kind of guilty because she was with him."

"Maybe. What did the doctor say?"

"There's a lot of damage to his heart muscles, but not enough for a surgery. He said that he thinks your dad has been having chest pains for a while and never said anything."

"Sounds right."

"He'll be okay, but it's going to take some time," Anne answered. "You don't look like you've slept."

"I tried. I was tossing and turning too much and I kept waking Adam up so I spent the night watching TV and trying not to think."

"Why don't you let your brother take you back to the house so you can get some sleep?"

"I don't want to leave him."

"I know. But you need some sleep. Everyone else is coming around dinner time."

"The Monroe clan converges on the cardiac care unit."

"It'll make the evening news."

"We're deprived of entertainment around here."

"Go get some sleep, honey."

"Okay. I'll be back in a few hours, daddy."

She leaned down and kissed his cheek then hugged her mom and left the room. Eli was waiting outside as promised and he gave her a small smile.

"Want me to take you to the house?"

"Yes please."

* * *

"Lindsay!"

She looked up just in time to see Taylor fly down the porch steps and across the gravel driveway into her arms.

"Hey doll face."

"He just fell down," she breathed. "I looked over and he was on the ground."

"I know, sweetie. It's okay."

"I should have done more. I should have… I don't know."

"You got him back to the house, sweetie. You did your best. He's going to be okay."

"I was so scared."

"I know. Come on, let's go inside."

They walked back up the porch steps and into the house, where Eli set Lindsay's suitcase by the door.

"I gotta go pick up the kids, but I'll see you two later tonight."

He left the house and they sat down on the couch, Taylor curling herself comfortably into Lindsay's side.

"It was scary. I didn't know what to do. And he was just laying there."

"It's okay, Taylor. He's fine. I don't want you to be feeling guilty just because you were there, okay?"

"Alright. It's just… he's the only read dad I've ever had. And if something happens to him, I don't know what I'm going to do."

"I know."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. Are you headed out right now or are you here for the day?"

"I have class in a little bit. I didn't want to go, but your mom said that there's no reason for me not to."

"Dad would want you to go."

"Okay. I'd better get moving then. I'll be back in a couple hours."

"I'll be here."

She grabbed her messenger bag and left the house while Lindsay sighed and kicked her shoes off. The grandfather clock ticked slowly, a sound that had been as much a part of her childhood as this house. She made her way slowly up the stairs and into her parents bedroom, smoothing her hand over the quilt on their bed, moving to her dad's night stand. The old alarm clock that he never actually used, and old family picture, his nice watch, the much read, falling apart leather covered Bible. She ran her fingers over the cover and sighed softly, thinking of Sundays past and feeling a twinge of guilt over the fact that her own Bible hadn't seen the light of day in over ten years. Shaking her head, she moved into the hallway again and opened the door at the end of the hallway, which led up to her old attic bedroom. She made her way up the wooden steps, peeking in and smirking at the little touches that made the room Taylors. The furniture was still in the same place, the double beds both covered with the same quilts. There were different pictures and posters now though, different clothes strewn on the floor and spilling out of the closet. One of the beds was a mess, so Lindsay moved to the other one and took her phone out of her coat pocket before draping that over the end of the bed. She pulled the covers back and crawled in, smelling the unmistakable scent of homemade detergent and lavender. She laid back on the bed and breathed in for a while, her eyes ranging over the wooden rafters that still held chalked drawings and "The Five Musketeers were here… and we never left!" Smiling with nostalgia she checked for service on her phone, then called Adam.

"Hey baby, how're you doing?"

"I'm… medium."

"Did you see him?"

"Yeah. He's laying there not moving. His hands are clammy and he looks gray. Like his whole skin tone is just gray. He's on all these machines and pumps and medications and I can barely look at him. He's my dad, he's always been the same, and he's never supposed to change."

"I'm sorry, honey."

"I'm scared. I don't know if he's going to be okay or if he's going to recover fully or not. I hate not knowing but when it's something like this it's so much worse."

"Honey, I think you're just going to have to accept that you can't control it. Remember what we always say, it's just one day at a time. It's the same thing right now, you've just got to worry about today."

"It's hard."

"I know. Where are you right now?"

"I'm at the house."

"You need to get some sleep. This will be a little easier when you're rested."

"I wish you were here."

"You can pretend I am."

She chuckled and pulled the blankets tighter around her.

"Tell me something good."

"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and then you pick it up again when you get to heaven."

"How do you always know exactly what I need to hear?"

"Because it's usually what I need to say. Get some rest baby. Call if you need me."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

She put the phone down and pulled the pillow under her head, closing her eyes and letting the long awaited tears fall.


	80. Chapter 80

The week passed fairly slowly and Lindsay settled into a decent rhythm. She had to make sure the ranch was taken care of so coordinating schedules for the few people her father employed had been her first task. Her brothers were stepping in to pick up the slack and everything was getting done except for the morning milkings and feedings. She had taken that upon herself, and enjoyed the cold bright of the morning. She usually took a few minutes to call Adam and Colton to check on them and it made the rest of her day go a little better. Usually by that time David had shown up to take over the duties and she went inside to get cleaned up and eat. Then it was off to the hospital for most of the day.

Her dad was getting better, was off a lot of the machines and sitting up in bed. He still had one IV in him, and wheeled it along with him if he needed to go somewhere. He looked more tired than anything and she could tell he was itching to get back to normal. Being cooped up did not suit him. He didn't have so much pride that he was trying to rush his recovery though, and looked at it more as a chance to spend some extra time with the family.

She was now a pro at finding a good parking spot and navigating the small hospital so to avoid the more crowded floors before ending up in her dad's room. He smiled when she came in, his mostly eaten breakfast sitting on the tray in front of him.

"Morning daddy."

"Mornin' baby girl. You look bright eyed and bushy tailed."

"I went to bed early. Four a.m. comes fast."

"You're preaching to the choir."

She smiled and sat down in the chair, propping her feet up on the side of his bed. He gave her a look and she shrugged, then stole the newspaper off the table.

"Anything going on around here I should know about?"

"Same old, same old."

"Boring."

"You're restless here, aren't you?"

"No, not really. It's a good life, you know? Simpler, healthier. But it's the same every day."

"That's your mama talkin'."

"You've always been happy with predictability."

"And you have a yen for chaos that you never want to admit to."

"Maybe so."

"Speaking of which, how are things back at home? Are they surviving without you?"

"For the most part. Adam says that he thought he was doing half the work but now he thinks I do more than him. Which isn't true, I just have my methods so it takes me less time than it's taking him."

"Does he even change diapers?"

"He might change more diapers than I do actually."

"He's a good man."

"Yes, he is. Did mama come by this morning?"

"She had breakfast with me and then it was off to do whatever volunteer work she's got going today. Is she doing okay with all this?"

Lindsay sighed and picked at her now completely bitten down nails.

"I think she's alright. Every time I ask her she waves me off. She's been talking to Jake though, so at least there's that. She's not hiding it."

He gave her a look.

"I'm fine too, daddy."

"You swear?"

"I swear."

"And you promise?"

"Yes. Adam makes me talk to him about it every night. I'm okay."

"Alright, I'll take it."

"You want to watch some TV?"

"TV, Lindsay Joy? Am I that boring?"

"No, it's just that there's a lot of good stuff on."

"Like what?"

"I could find you a fishing show."

His eyes sparked with interest and she grinned, taking the remote and flipping through the channels until she found what she was looking for.

"There ya go. There not going to use Cheetos for bait like we do, but it's entertaining nonetheless."

"You're my favorite kid."

"I keep hearing that."

* * *

"Yeah Bruce, I understand the payment was due on that day, but you have to understand that you have a verbal agreement with my father and he was basically unconscious at the time the payment was due, so you're going to have to cut me a little slack here," Lindsay said, cutting a sandwich in half and handing it to her niece. "Yes I know that but… No, you don't seem to get it… Bruce, how long have we done business with you? More years than your IQ apparently. And in those years how often has my father let a few payments of yours slide? So I'm going to take a flyer here and bet that you're going to just wait until morning when I can have David bring the check by?... Now see that is how we do business in Montana, Bruce… Yeah, I'll tell him… No, I don't want to be a lawyer… Yes, he'll bring the check first thing in the morning… No it's not a hot check, my dad had a heart attack, he didn't spend the week in Vegas!... Yes, he'll be there. Bye."

"Aunt Lin?"

"Yeah, Tessa?"

"Is Mr. Potts kind of a mean guy?"

"No, he's not mean, he's just old."

"Like granddad?"

"Way older than granddad. Older than God maybe."

"Aunt Lin, that's impossible," she said with a shake of her head. "By the way, where's grammy?"

"She had to go grocery shopping."

"Why didn't she wait for me so I could go with her?"

"Because your daddy was running late dropping you off."

"So you're stuck with me all afternoon, huh?"

"Every single second Tink."

"Cool. Want the other half of my sandwich?"

"No thanks hon, I ate already."

Tessa nodded and pulled the crust off her sandwich, dropping it on the floor for the dog.

"Tessa that's going to leave a mess."

"Nu-uh, Reggie licks it all up!"

"Oh my dear stars you are your father's child."

"Well duh!"

Lindsay smirked and put the peanut butter back in the cupboard, then wiped off the counter. Sometimes she wondered what possessed her to leave this life, with the family always being around dropping in unannounced, involved in every aspect of her life. And then she remembered the part about the family always being around and dropping in unannounced and being involved in every aspect of her life. She was a little more into privacy than they were. She loved them and loved having them around, but she needed to run her own life.

"Anybody home?"

"Thinking of dropping in unannounced," she muttered. "We're in here Riley."

"Uncle Riley, Aunt Lin made me a peanut butter and pickle sandwich! Have you ever tried these things?"

"Where did she get her sense of taste?"

"I think from the other side of the family," Lindsay answered as he came into the kitchen.

"Hey I brought something for you."

"If it's a swirlie again I'll pass."

"I'm too old for that kinda stuff. Maybe it's a noogie."

"Riley, you are eternally ten years old."

"Do you want this surprise or not? It's good, I swear."

"Oh alright."

He stuck his head out into the other room and nodded and a few seconds later Adam and Colton came through the door.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well we had a long talk and figured since we've got the next few days off we should probably come out here. We missed you a little."

"I missed you too," she said, walking over to hug him and feeling that all was right with the world.

"Mama hi!"

"Hi baby," she greeted, taking him from Adam and kissing him. "Did you have fun with daddy?"

"Daddy, Ah Ah, Nee!"

"Daddy, Austin and Danny huh? Did they let you eat junk food?"

"Nah, he just ate about a whole thing of applesauce. I told Austin he could just share my chili but she said she didn't hate me enough for that."

"What were you doing over there?"

"Remember that report you had to do for Mac?"

"Oh no. I totally forgot."

"It's okay. Danny and I finished it for you."

"You did?"

"We had Stella look it over before we turned it in, don't worry. All your information was already there, we mostly just had to type it up."

"I'm spoiled."

"Don't say I never did nothing for ya."

She grinned and hugged him again.

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. How's your dad?"

"A lot better. I'm going to go visit him again in about an hour."

"We'll go with you."

Colton sighed and wrapped his arms around her neck, a sure sign he had missed her. She cuddled him close then moved back into the kitchen, preheating the oven for the roast her mom had asked her to put in for dinner.

"Well I've done my duty," Riley said. "I should get back to work. I'll see you at church in the morning."

"You gonna wear a tie?"

"Only if you're gonna wear a dress."

"When pigs fly."

"That's my girl. Later."

He left the house and Tessa brought her plate to the counter, sliding it up and into the sink.

"Dude," Lindsay admonished.

"It's plastic, it won't break."

"Oh brother."

"Can I watch a movie?"

"I don't know, Babs."

"I'm not a Babs Aunt Lin, how much I gotta tell ya?"

"At least three more times. What do you normally do in the afternoons with grammy?"

"Well sometimes she lets me help her cook and sometimes I watch cartoons and sometimes I play outside. Sometimes she paints my toes too cuz we're being girls cuz there's no boys around for once in our lives."

"Alright, go ahead and watch a movie but you have to promise me that you'll do all your homework later tonight."

"Every last bit, I swear."

"Okay."

"Can cousin Colton come with me? I never even got to play with him before."

"We'll see. He's kind of sleepy right now."

"Okay."

She drug a chair over to the counter and turned on the small TV while Adam gestured for Lindsay to come into the other room. They sat down on the couch and he held her tightly, kissing her forehead and enjoying the feel of her in his arms.

"We do not do well apart," he commented. She nodded and he tipped her chin up and kissed her.

"Are you really doing okay?"

"Yes. I don't lie anymore, remember?"

"I know. It's just hard to read you over the phone."

"I'm alright, Adam. It was scary for a while, but he's fine. I'm fine. Did you really think I wasn't?"

"I thought that maybe you felt fine but you really weren't. I think I just had to see you."

"And what is the conclusion?"

"I think you're fine."

"Good. How long are you staying?"

"We're going to fly back with you on Monday morning."

"We're using up our time-off, aren't we?"

"Yeah, but it's okay."

"I really wanted to have a real vacation."

"I know. It'll happen sometime."

"How was Colton on the plane?" she asked, looking down at their now sleeping son.

"Way better than last time. He just sat and played with his toys and we read some books and he had a snack and that was that."

She nodded a smile breaking across her face.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"Really what?"

"Nothin' just… it'll be nice to cuddle with you tonight."

"I think so too."

* * *

"Colton are you excited to meet your papa?"

"Papa?" he queried, tipping his head to the side.

"Yeah, your papa," she said, adjusting him on her hip and opening the door. "Anyone awake in here?"

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"Up for some visitors?"

"Always. Who's this little critter you're toting around?"

"Hi!" Colton greeted happily, giving him a little wave. "Mama."

"Yeah, that's your mama," Dale agreed, his voice full of pride for his daughter.

"Colton, you wanna show papa your Mo?" she said, placing him down on the bed. He happily crawled over to his grandpa, handing him his sock monkey.

"Mo," he said with a nod.

"Is this your favorite?"

He giggled and chewed on the monkey's arm.

"So who do you two think he looks more like?"

"I think he looks like Adam."

"But he's got Lindsay's eyes. And her pout."

"Hey!" she chuckled, smacking his arm.

"Not that it's not cute or anything."

Dale grinned and tuned out the rest of their banter, focusing all his attention on his youngest grandchild. He always thought Lindsay would have a family, but every year that passed he wondered if she wanted it for herself, or if she was content just being the daughter and the sister and the aunt. Not that there was anything wrong with that, or that it was less of a life, but he believed so much in her ability to raise a family that he felt she would be cheating what could have been if she didn't.

He remembered meeting Adam and seeing them together, and thinking that this could finally be it. Several months later she had called him just to talk and had mentioned in passing that Adam had helped her change the spark plugs and headlights in her car. It was something she could do alone, probably with her eyes closed, but that she had let Adam that close to such an independent part of her life had made him stop in his tracks. He knew in that moment that the life he saw her in was coming, it would just be a matter of time.

She'd always made him proud. Every moment of every day, even when her life was spiraling so far out of control into the darkness that he didn't recognize her, he was unfailingly proud of her ability to hold on through the storms. He'd sent her off to New York with a smile and a hug, but inside he had been torn apart watching his baby girl walk away without him. He'd been in a funk for days and it had been worse when she'd called and told him how homesick she was, that this had been a terrible idea and she needed to turn around and come back. And as much as he had wanted to have her run into his arms again, he told her to stay. It wasn't much longer before she started working and getting into a groove, found her own place and started to call the city her home.

He loved his sons unconditionally and was so proud of the men they had become. But there was something about his little girl, some special way that she had completed their family, and completed him as a father. That moment when she was born and he looked down at her it was like his world finally had its full meaning.

He watched her now and he knew she felt that too, and that was worth so much more than he could even describe. His heart hurt a little, but for a totally good reason this time.


	81. Chapter 81

Warm sunlight streamed through the window and filtered through the old lace curtains, slowly bringing wakefulness to the two inhabitants of the big brass bed. Lindsay fought the coherence, wrinkling her nose and turning her face away from the window. Adam yawned and propped himself up on his elbow reaching over to twist one of her curls around his finger.

He loved waking up and having her beside him. This week was the longest they had been apart since the wedding, and he had missed her warmth being the first thing he was aware of in the morning. She sighed softly in her sleep and he moved his finger from her hair down to the hand that rested next to her ear, tracing over her palm. He knew they were going to have to get up soon but he loved watching her sleep, so he just laid there for a while longer. He moved a little closer and wrapped around her, his hand coming to rest gently on her stomach. She relaxed more under his touch, this sigh slower and longer than the last one. He was a patient man, but couldn't wait much longer and pressed his lips to her shoulder.

"Mm."

"We should get up," he whispered, the gentle movement of his hand causing her short night gown to ride up a little.

"Mm," she repeated, turning her head to face him but not waking up. His hand found her bare skin and she moved against him, cracking her eyes open a little.

"Hi."

"Morning gorgeous."

"Morning."

"You gonna wake up?"

"No."

He chuckled and moved her hair off her forehead.

"We don't have to go to church," she said, moving her hand down to play with his.

"Why not?"

"I dunno. It's just not something we do."

"It's something we both used to do."

"When we were kids and didn't have a choice."

"Did you ever feel forced?"

"No. It was just a part of life. Then I went to college and I didn't have time for that anymore really. Just kind of slipped away from it."

"Yeah. That's kind of how it was for me. Mom took me every week. Bible camp in the summer, all that. Then I moved out and it just felt like I didn't need to go anymore."

"Do you regret that?"

"I never really did until Colton was born. I want to give him all the good things in life. But there's that little part that I just can't do."

"Everything changed when he was born. The things that were so important before became an afterthought. And things I never thought about are now the things that keep me up at night."

"I don't really have a solution for this."

"Neither do I."

"Interestingly enough that makes me feel a little better."

She chuckled and twisted his wedding ring slowly around his finger.

"Adam, do you think we're doing okay?"

"How do you mean?"

"You and I are fine. Better than fine actually. I just worry if we're going to screw up this parenting thing."

"I think he's happy and healthy and that's the most important thing right now."

"It's scary."

"I know."

She yawned and stretched then sat up, even though she would rather spend the rest of the morning just as she was.

"Gotta get moving," she muttered, throwing the blankets off and climbing out of bed.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"If you like, threw on some boots and went out and mucked the stalls just like that, I would be a very happy man and would never need another Christmas present as long as I lived."

"Oh brother."

"Hey, you should be glad that after all these years I still find you attractive," he teased with a grin.

"No hon, I think you're the one who should be glad that after all these years I still find you attractive."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

Grinning, she climbed back onto the bed and crawled over to him, placing a hand on either side of his face and kissing him deeply.

"Very attractive."

"Thanks for the reiteration."

"It would be very hard not to love you."

She kissed him once more then pulled away just as he was going to pull her closer.

"Honey we've gotta get ready," she half protested, pressing against his chest.

"I know. Sometimes I just can't help myself."

She snickered and kissed him a few more times before standing up and grabbing her robe.

"C'mon. Colton needs to be fed and dressed."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

The service was fairly short and Lindsay sighed in relief when it was over. It wasn't that she hated it, she was just uncomfortable in the life she used to have. Seeing people she hadn't seen in years made up for it though, and she was thoroughly enjoying catching up. The novelty of her life in New York had worn off three or four visits ago, so she wasn't doing much talking, save for drawing stories out of the group of ladies she was standing with. It was nice to hear normal things, nothing about crimes and drive-bys and other things that occupied most of her conversations normally.

"Mama!"

She heard the voice a split second before feeling a happy toddler crash into her legs.

"Hey bud."

"Up."

She swung him into her arms and kissed his cheek, receiving a giggle in return.

"How did your shirt get so wet?"

"He discovered the drinking fountain," Adam clarified.

"Filling up for round two huh?"

Colton grinned and pushed her hand away from his stomach, then tugged on her hair.

"What?"

"Go?"

"Yeah, we're going to go."

He pointed at the window and grinned, then stuck his finger in his mouth and looked at her seriously.

"Out."

"Oh you think you can tell me what to do?"

He nodded, not understanding what the question meant.

"I guess you're right. We'd better go and help grammy get lunch ready anyway."

She bid goodbye to her old friends and smiled as Adam took her hand and led her outside and to the truck they were using. They buckled Colton into his careseat in the middle of the bench seat, then climbed in themselves, Lindsay behind the wheel.

"I wanna go somewhere real quick," she said, as the old diesel roared to life. "It won't take long."

"Where?"

Biting her lip, she pointed to the cemetery on the side of the hill down the road from the church. He nodded.

"Do you want to stop somewhere and get flowers?"

"I don't leave flowers," she said softly.

He was quiet as she guided the truck up the winding dirt road, parking it under a willow tree. She took a deep breath and pulled some paper out of her purse, then unbuckled her seatbelt.

"Colton, want to come with mama?"

He grunted and reached for her, so she undid the straps in his carseat and pulled him into her arms.

"Adam, you wanna come?"

"Why don't you go ahead," he suggested, knowing she needed this time to herself. "I'll join you in a minute."

She returned his small smile and closed the door, walking around the front of the truck before setting Colton on the ground and taking his hand. He toddled along next to her happily, tripping only once to dirty up the knee of his corduroys. Adam watched them out the window of the truck, smiling as they made their way over the uneven ground. He took a mental picture of it, the way Lindsay had her jacket tucked around her against the wind, the way her flowered skirt swayed as she walked, the slight curl in her hair, her slender hand wrapped protectively around Colton's chubby one. The sky had turned overcast since the morning light, casting everything in a grayish hue. Not sad, just subdued. He watched as Lindsay walked over to a gravestone and knelt down. She put a folded up paper down and from his vantage point, he could barely make out that it was a cootie catcher. She pulled Colton into her arms and he could tell she was saying something to him. He was looking at her intensely, hanging on her every word not because he understood but because he was aware of the emotion with which she was speaking. After a moment she got up and walked a few feet to the next stone and repeated the actions before visiting the final one. He waited until she stood up before he got out of the truck and joined her. She smiled up at him as he took her into his arms and kissed her forehead.

"You okay?"

"Yep."

They stood there for a few minutes in silence, breathing in the fresh air and watching Colton pick at the grass.

"I'm really proud of you," Adam said finally.

"What for?"

"The last few days haven't been easy, but you've kept your head above water. I was worried that this might be too much for you."

"It was a lot," she agreed. "I think I realized that you're there for me no matter where I am, but when it comes down to it, there are things I have to do myself. And I can do them. That kind of came as a shock."

"Why?"

"I guess I attribute so much of the strength I have to you, when really…"

"I just made you see what you had all along."

"Exactly. I don't think I can ever call it even with you in that instance."

"Yeah you can."

"No Adam. I don't know if you understand what you did for me."

"Maybe you don't know what you did for me."

"Like what?"

"You gave me a purpose, Linds. Before you all I had was my job. Now there's just so much more than myself, more reason. That's worth everything."

"We really are perfect together, aren't we?"

"If we do say so ourselves. You ready to go?"

"Yep. Colton, let's go bye."

He looked up at her and grinned, handing her a dandelion he had successfully picked from the ground.

"Oh, thank you buddy."

She picked him up and kissed him before sticking the yellow plant behind her ear. He smiled happily and pointed to the truck.

"Go."

"Kid can't stay in one place for long," Adam noted. "Want me to drive?"

"Sure."

They climbed into the truck and Lindsay reached over to squeeze Adam's hand. She wanted to say she loved him, wanted to thank him for so much, but the words couldn't say as much as the touch did.

* * *

"Hey Aust, it's me."

"Stranger. What's up?"

"Nothing. I just felt like… well, I guess like a stranger, so I thought I would call. What's going on in your neck of the woods?"

"Well earlier Danny was playing airplane with Isa and she spit up on his face. So that was pretty great. And now I've got my feet up on the coffee table and she's playing with my toes. Danny's snoring on the floor."

"Perfect Sunday. Especially the puking part."

"I think so too. How's your dad?"

"He's better. They're letting him go home tomorrow."

"And how are you?"

"I'm alright. Exhausted."

"Better having Adam there?"

"Much better. I miss home though."

"Does that include me?" Austin asked, using her best whiny voice.

"Occasionally."

"Thanks. So what are you doing?"

"Taking advantage of the fact that the whole family is outside playing bocce ball and it's super quiet in here for the first time in a week."

"You're slowly pacing the whole house and cracking your toes as you talk to me aren't you?"

"I love that you know me that well."

"Yeah, even after five days apart."

"Allow me a snort of amusement."

"Granted. What time are you guys getting home tomorrow?"

"Late afternoon. We have a layover in Salt Lake."

"Don't sign anything you didn't read and don't trust a man on a bike."

"Got it. Hey, how's your morning sickness?"

"Blah."

"Sounds good. Try opening a thing of ginger ale before you go to sleep and drinking it right away before you get up."

"How come you never make these suggestions until I've been suffering for a while?"

"It makes you stronger."

"Well in that case."

Lindsay chuckled and looked out the front door, watching Adam and Colton playing on the porch. They had a bunch of plastic animals, and were parading them around happily, lost in a world of their own making.

"Linds, you still there?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry."

"What's going on?"

"Adam and Colton are playing outside and it's just… sometimes I just have to stop and stare at them."

"You picked a good guy."

"You did too."

"Speaking if your good guy, he asked me what you wanted for your birthday. All I could come up with was coffee."

"Sounds good to me."

"See, this whole bringing up your birthday thing was actually me fishing for suggestions on what to get you, because you are pretty much the hardest person to shop for. Ever. I thought Danny was difficult but you're like… you want for nothing."

"Sorry?"

"You've gotta give me something here. Anything in the whole world that you want."

"Maybe that teleportation device we've been talking about."

"Lindsay."

"I don't know, Aust. You're not easy to shop for either."

"Says the woman who already has my present done even though it's six months away."

"I couldn't pass it up. But really, I don't need anything. Let's just ditch the kids with their dads and go out to lunch."

"That's all you want?"

"Yep."

"Alright, then that's what we'll do. But you had better give Adam an idea soon because he's asked me at least four times now and the last time he looked at his wits end."

"I'll talk to him. After he's finished conducting this zoology lecture with Colton."

"Actually paying attention to something important? He is definitely your kid."

"He's drooling."

"Still yours."

"Shut up."

"Meanwhile I have a diaper calling my name, so I'd better go."

"Hey, just think in a few months you're gonna have diapers from two kids, not just one."

"Do you want to make me dread this?"

"Sorry. Maybe you can get them on a schedule so you can change them at the same time."

"You can come get them on a schedule and I will use it, how about that?"

"And there's your birthday present."

"Very funny. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

She hung up the phone and went outside, stepping around Colton and sitting down one step below Adam. He pulled her into his arms and she leaned against him, watching Colton play with his zoo animals.

"You okay hon?" Adam asked, running his hand over her hair and rubbing her shoulder.

"Yep."

He tucked his finger under her chin and turned her towards him, then leaned down and kissed her. She was smiling when he pulled away, her eyes still closed.

"This is the most relaxed I've been in a long time. A really long time."

"Good."

He kissed her again as Colton stood up and toddled over to the porch swing, pushing on it and finding himself knocked down when it swung back. He gave it a look and stood up again, being extra cautious this time as he tried to climb up on it.

"Daddy?"

"You want some help buddy?" Adam asked, untangling himself from Lindsay and standing up. They climbed up onto the swing, Colton grinning when Adam made it move a little.

"Mama, up."

She grinned and joined them, pulling her legs up onto the swing and leaning into Adam while Colton curled himself into her chest and let out a sleepy sigh.

"A nap sounds perfect. Good idea, bud."

He nodded and sucked on his finger while Lindsay kissed his hair.

"Hey Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"It can't get much better than this, can it?"

"I highly doubt it."

He smiled and tucked her a little closer, content to let a little of life go by while they remained still.


	82. Chapter 82

"Happy birthday to you, you live in a zoo…"

"Don't feed the bears," Lindsay muttered into her pillow before rolling over.

"Hello sleeping beauty."

"Hello. What time is it?"

"Five. How long have you been napping?"

"Only about an hour. Colton still out?"

"Snoring."

"How was work?"

"Babe," Adam started, leaning down to run his lips over her neck. "Why are you talkin'?"

She chuckled and lightly tickled his arms, causing him to fall on top of her. He flashed her a grin and she ran her fingers through his hair letting out a gentle yawn.

"I gotta take a shower.

"No you don't."

"What?"

"You don't need a shower. What you need is about fifteen more minutes of this."

She half rolled her eyes before he kissed her. She melted into it for a while then pulled away, taking a deep breath and catching his eye.

"We've got people coming over in an hour. And I spent half the day outside chasing your son and I smell like air, so I need a shower."

"Mm'kay."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. We've got forever."

"I really love you."

"I suspected."

She grinned and kissed him again before he slid over to the other side of the bed and she stood up, stretching a little.

"Would you go wake Colton up and change his dirty grass stained clothes and his diaper?" she asked, reaching down to play with his hand.

"Yeah. Could you wear a white t-shirt and a black bra more often?"

She smirked and looked down at her outfit, wondering once again how a pair of Austin's jeans had made their way into her wardrobe and why she always forgot to give them back.

"I had a flannel on earlier."

"Mm-hmm."

"I did! I wouldn't go out in public like this!"

"I believe you, I just don't want to."

"It's not like it was raining today."

"You can't put that image in my head and then just leave me here."

"I'm about to," she said, shimmying out of her shirt and tossing it at his head.

"Woman…"

She grinned and went into the bathroom, leaving him to chuckle at her before he rolled off the bed and went to get Colton.

"Hi daddy," he chirped, looking up from the stuffed animals he was playing with.

"Hey duder. Want to get out of there?"

"Out."

"Let's get you changed. Probably into something comfy so Flack and Jess don't have to put you in pajamas later. See, I'm thinkin' like mama. Aren't you proud?"

Colton chuckled and rubbed his eyes while Adam changed his diaper.

"Now what should we do about clothes? How about your dinosaur shirt and some sweatpants? Now that is what I would like to be wearing."

He pulled the clothes out of the dresser and changed him quickly, then set him on the floor.

"Alright man, run free. I'm going to pick up some of your excess of toys. I don't know why you have so many, you only like five of them."

Colton giggled and leaned down to peek under the crib where both cats were sleeping.

"Mow!" he shouted, patting his legs. The cats didn't move but to give him the stink eye. He roared at them and got pretty much the same reaction, so he stood back up and toddled over to Adam, raising his arms and sporting a toothy grin.

"Okay, let's go wrap mama's present. Don't tell her I waited until the last minute to wrap it though."

Colton nodded seriously and they went out to the other room where Adam took the present from its hiding spot. He knew Lindsay was going to snoop, so he hid it way up high where she couldn't even reach on a chair. Colton wiggled down to the floor and opened the bottom drawer, pulling out a few Tupperware containers to play with while Adam found some wrapping paper in the hall closet. He briefly wondered if he had enough time to finish, but he could hear the country station playing in the bathroom and Lindsay singing along, so he figured he was alright. He set to work cutting the paper and wrapping it around the small box, wishing he would have been in Boy Scouts so he could have learned how to do this properly. He was using more tape than paper and was sure Lindsay wasn't going to be able to open it without an Exacto knife. Not like she didn't have that jack knife in her pocket all the time anyway.

Her voice floated out to him and he knew she was reaching one arm out of the shower to turn the radio up. He smiled at her voice, wishing she sang more often, but knowing a request would fluster her too much. She had a really good voice, but she didn't really believe him when he said that. He supposed she'd done too much karaoke for fun that she figured she sounded like everyone else. He loved how she'd slip into a twang when singing along to the right artists, the little grin she'd get and how her eyes seemed to dance along to the music. A smile spread across his face as she hit a high note crystal clear and continued on as if it was nothing.

"_You can kiss me in the moonlight__  
__On the rooftop under the sky__  
__You can kiss me with the windows open__  
__While the rain comes pouring inside__  
__Kiss me in sweet slow motion__  
__Let's let every thing slide__  
__You got me floating, you got me flying__."_

He chuckled and looked the present over, figuring it was good enough, then cleaned up his mess. The shower clicked off and he waited a few minutes, then moved to stand by the door. She opened it in a swirl of steam and took a step back in surprise. Her damp hair curled lazily around her shoulders, she had a towel secured around her, and her face was completely free of make-up. He watched as her lips parted in preparation for asking him a question or admonishing him for surprising her, but he didn't let her get that far. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her, dipping her so far that the ends of her hair brushed the ground. She held on tight and giggled as he righted them, brushing a lock of hair out of her face.

"What was that about?"

"You were singing that song," he said. "Thought it might be a birthday wish."

She snickered and wrapped her arms around him, leaning into his chest and feeling as if she could burst.

"I think the amount that I love you might be illegal."

"I love when you're rebellious."

"Me too."

"Go get dressed."

"Thought you liked me rebellious."

"Yeah."

"And in nothing but a towel."

"Dear…"

"I'll go get dressed."

He let her go, then joined Colton on the floor, gently encouraging him to put the plastic dishes away.

"No!" he shouted, taking a lid back out of the drawer.

"Yes."

"No!"

"Young man, I said yes. Now you put that away please."

Colton jutted out his lower lip in a last ditch effort, then sighed and set the lid back in the drawer.

"Thank you for obeying," Adam said, drawing his son into his arms. "I love you buddy."

"Daddy."

"Are you going to be good tonight so mama and daddy can have a couple hours off?"

He spouted off some gibberish and smiled then wiggled away in search of something else to play with.

"Honey, what are we doing tonight?" Lindsay asked from the bedroom.

"I can't tell you."

"Well what do I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Can you just wear what you put on this morning?"

"It looked good when I had morning butt. Now I have evening butt."

"You've got to stop watching that show."

"Sometimes I think you don't understand me, Adam."

"I always understand you."

"Then understand my frustration about finding something to wear."

"Jeans. Shirt. Shoes."

"That it?"

"You know what I meant."

"Sometimes I can be kinda blonde," she teased, coming out of the bedroom in jeans and a black v-neck tee shirt. "Is this okay?"

"Perfect. Except you're going to need shoes."

"What kind?"

"Lindsay Ross."

She giggled and went back into the bedroom.

"I'm wearing your Chucks and you're gonna deal with it."

"Alright. Now come out here, you have a present waiting."

"But I gotta do my hair."

"You gotta?"

"I ain't gonna go out like this."

He chuckled and watched her walk into the bathroom, then made sure Colton was occupied before he followed her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, plugging the hair dryer into the wall.

"Hanging in your world," he replied, jumping up onto the counter while she ran a brush through her hair. "Can I do that?"

"I love you but no."

"Aw come on," he pleaded, pulling her into his arms. She laughed and let him hug her for a while before leaning back and kissing him.

"Why so touchy feely today?"

"I'm touchy feely every day."

"You don't usually follow me places to do it."

"Sorry."

"I didn't say I didn't like it," she said, running the brush through her hair one last time and placing it on the counter.

"Well in that case…"

He spun her around and turned the hair dryer on, and she shivered at the burst of warm air. His fingers ran through her hair, giving the air a place to go and she sighed happily. He pampered her often with hand massages or back rubs but she thought that this little display topped them all. Especially when his fingers grazed over her ear and down her neck to her shoulder. She closed her eyes and leaned back against him just a little until he turned the hair dryer off and wrapped his arms around her.

"I love you, babe."

"I love you too."

"Thanks for being born."

"Anytime."

There was a knock on the front door and he placed a loud kiss to her ear before jumping off the counter.

"Hurry up woman."

She grinned and pushed him out of the bathroom then grabbed the hair straightener and made sure it was heating up.

"Happy one year closer to death, Ross," Austin greeted with a grin. Lindsay looked at her and glared.

"Gee thanks."

"What'cha doing?"

"Make-up. Something you would know nothing about."

"I refuse to engage in such girliness. I still spit my eyebrows down in the morning."

"And here I was gonna say you don't need the make up anyway. Now I think you need some Lysol."

"Insert giggle here. What's that?"

"Eyelash curler."

"What the… why?"

"Do you think all this just happens? We don't live in a world of miracles my friend."

"Why do you have skin colored lipstick?"

"It's concealer. Don't twist it all up!"

"What are you concealing?"

"The dark circles of motherhood."

"You don't have any of those."

"That means it's working… Austin, don't stick your finger in my blush."

"That's what she said."

"Pregnancy makes you infantile."

"Hey, I see what you did there."

"Oh my word," she chuckled, shaking her head. "You sometimes make me feel young."

"Hey, it's not like play-doh is my favorite part of the day."

"I'm laughing inside."

"What is that?"

"Austin, you're not this clueless. This is eyeshadow."

"It's not bright blue. It threw me for a second."

"This is also not 1975."

"Good to know. Two colors of eyeshadow?"

"I'm tying you down and giving you a makeover, I swear."

"Danny would kill you."

"I wouldn't touch your hair, I promise."

"You're gonna have to catch me first, Montana."

"Ew, that sounded weird coming outta your mouth."

"Yeah. Never again, huh?"

"No, thanks. So do you know what we're doing tonight?"

"Yewp."

"And what am I going to have to do to get you to tell me?"

Austin shrugged and whisked the blush brush over her face then looked in the mirror and wrinkled her nose.

"Kill me."

"So once you're dead you'll tell me?"

"Yeah. Just rest in the fact that Adam and I planned this night together so you know it's gotta be good."

"You two together are even worse than me and you together."

"What's life without a little danger?"

"Iowa."

"Well played Ross. Well played."

"Thanks. Can I have that back?"

"You don't need no more make-up."

"Yes I do."

"Do not. And I think everyone would agree with me."

"Austin Grace Messer, don't you dare-"

"Hey do you guys think Lindsay needs more make-up?" she shouted into the other room.

"No!"

"See?"

"Austin, relinquish the cosmetics."

"Fine, but only because it's your birthday."

She handed everything over then picked up the straightener.

"What's this?"

"It's hot."

"But what's it- OW that's hot!"

"I told you!"

"It should have a big red flashing sign on it."

"Would that have stopped you?"

"No but I would have complained less. What do you do with this?"

"Various forms of medieval torture. Come on, you've seen a hair straightener before."

"Curling iron, yes. This… to do the opposite? No. And why do you need this, your hair is already straight."

"To achieve the perfect feather flip."

"Feminism is lost on me."

"It's okay. I love you anyway."

"Thought so. Are you almost done? I want dinner."

"Five minutes, less."

"Okay."

"Hey, don't let me forget, I have a pair of your jeans."

"What?"

"I don't know. They appeared a while ago. I thought they were mine at first but I put them on and they were dragging on the ground. I kept wearing them though."

"How did they even… why are my pants here?"

"I don't know. Remind me to give them back to you so we can correct this weirdness."

"That'll be good. "Hey Linds, don't forget to give me my pants back." I wonder what awkward situation I'll blurt that out in."

"Probably one that will turn into a great story to tell the kids someday."

"As all our stories are. Hey, you're pretty enough, lets go."

"But the-"

"Move it."

Austin pushed her out of the bathroom and flipped the light off.

"Mama go bye?" Colton asked, throwing himself against Lindsay's legs.

"Yeah. You want to stay here and play?"

"No."  
"But Isa's going to be here. She needs someone to play with."

He sighed and looked into the other room where Isa was quite happy with one of his toys. He watched her for a minute, then hollered and ran in there, taking the toy out of her hand and turning it the other way so she was using it right. She growled at him and took the toy back and he stomped his foot before walking away and finding something else.

"Non sibling rivalry," Austin muttered. "I wonder how long that's going to last."

"I'm placing my bets on a really long time."

"So they're gonna be like this the rest of the night?" Flack asked, suddenly regretting his offer to babysit.

"Probably not. They have taken up wrestling lately though. Isa usually wins."

"That's because she bites."

"She's scrappy, what can I say?"

Lindsay chuckled and rolled her eyes while Adam tossed her a jacket.

"We're going to be late if you don't get moving."

"Me? You don't even have shoes on."

"Because you're wearing mine."

"I thought I said you were going to have to deal with it. And since when do you only have one pair of shoes? You have more shoes than I do."

"Linds, don't tell people that!" he said, jamming his feet into another pair of shoes without untying them. "What will they think?"

"That you're very, very gay of course."

"Watch out RuPaul," Danny added.

"You guys suck."

"Let's go, I'm going to wither away and die from starvation."

"All hail the queen of the hyperbole," Lindsay said, kissing Colton goodbye. "Good luck tonight guys."

"I'll be fine," Jess said with a grin. "It's this guy I'm worried about."

"I'm not that great with poop and drool!"

"That's goin' on your tombstone, Duck."

* * *

"Where did you guys get this idea?" Lindsay asked, raising her eyebrows as Adam handed her a laser tag vest.

"We're just cool like that," he responded.

"That and Google," Austin added, adjusting the straps on her vest.

"Can you play laser tag pregnant?"

"Dude, I play Cops and Robbers pregnant."

"True."

"Hey Linds, I'm really glad somethin' like this appeals to you," Danny said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "It's not every day I get to run around and shoot at my wife."

"Um… you're welcome?"

"So how do you wanna do this? Boys versus girls?"

"Now wait a minute Adam, that puts you on my team and ensures that we'll lose."

"I play video games! You have no idea how good I am at Goldeneye."

"Yeah, you should see him standin' there painting the toilets on paintball mode," Lindsay offered.

"Alright, I'll take him. But that don't mean I won't sacrifice him if I gotta."

"Sounds fair," Adam agreed, testing out the trigger on his gun. "Good luck girls. You're gonna need it."

"Whatever," they chorused as the lights went down and the countdown started. They all scattered, feeling like high schoolers as they ducked behind walls and crates, wondering who was going to be the first to shoot, but knowing it was probably going to be Austin.

"Danny I hate you!" she hollered, missing him completely as he dropped to the floor and rolled behind a barrel.

"Austin now he knows where you are!"

"And now he knows where you are too, Einstein," she hissed, stooping down and shuffling across the floor, joining Lindsay behind a large crate.

"Then why'd you come over here?"

"I don't know. I don't have adrenaline because this isn't real, so I'm not really sure what to do here."

"We might have done a bad job of choosing teams."

"Watch your mouth."

Lindsay chuckled and took a quick peek around the crate, making out the silhouette of Adam's shoe before scrambling to a place where she could get a better shot.

"Missed!" he shouted victoriously. She wrinkled her nose and crawled back into a corner, hearing the guys start shuffling around, apparently trying to flush them out. They were much worse at whispering than she and Austin were.

"I thought I knew where they were."

"I thought I did too. Can a pregnant woman even more that fast?"

"She's not that pregnant, Danny. You can't even tell. It's not like she's waddling."

"Don't remind me about the waddling, the hormones come with it."

"Sorry man."

"Talkin' about us like we're not here," Austin grumbled as she made her way through the darkness. "And excuse me, but hormones? Danny's a wuss."

"I bet the girls went out for coffee," Danny sighed.

"Do you know how much they spend every time they do that?"

"Do I wanna know?"

"Just the coffee is bad enough, but I found a receipt in Lindsay's purse and it had pastries on it."

"We gotta do something about this, man."

They were standing about five feet away from the girls now, and Lindsay was trying hard to stifle her giggles. Austin smacked her arm and slowly looked around the corner.

"They're right there!" she mouthed. Lindsay snorted a laugh and would have fallen to the floor had she not already been laying on it.

A laser blast came out of the darkness and nailed her while Austin rolled away.

"Save yourself!" Lindsay shrieked with a giggle.

Austin laughed and inadvertently gave up her hiding spot. Danny took the chance and shot her and soon both girls were laying on the ground giggling.

"We both shot our wives, wanna get a beer?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, you gotta help your dead wives off the floor," Lindsay said.

"Alright, alright. Another round?"

"You boys ain't gonna know what hit ya."

* * *

Lindsay stretched and yawned, throwing back the covers and climbing into bed. After the four rounds of laser tag, in which they had come out tied, they spent over an hour in the arcade. She'd laughed the whole time, so much that her aim was off in the hunting games, causing Danny to tease her unmercifully. Of course, once he found out that she and Austin also stunk at skee-ball, his insults had gotten even better. It had been a really good night, but she was exhausted and couldn't wait to turn the light off and close her eyes.

"Hey sweetie, you can't go to sleep yet," Adam said, flopping down beside her.

"It's my birthday, I can do whatever I want."

"Well in an hour it's not your birthday anymore so I'm going to wake you up."

"You win," she said, sitting up. He grabbed her waist and pulled her into his lap handing her the small gift he had so hastily wrapped before.

"Adam…"

"What?"

"I thought we said we weren't going to do birthday presents anymore."

"Well I lied. Open it, I'm really proud of this one."

She grinned and spent a few seconds looking for a spot to start opening.

"Uh babe?"

"Yeah, I was thinkin' this might happen," he said, grabbing his keys off the nightstand. She took them and managed to get the box unwrapped. It was a plain jewelry box, but not the normal velvet. She turned it over a few times before cracking it open and finding an oval locket. It was silver and the filigree was similar to her ring.

"Adam, it's… it's beautiful. Where did you get this?"

"I never reveal my secrets. Look inside."

She opened the locket and found a picture of Colton on one side, and one of their family pictures on the other. A small tear sprung to her eye as she ran her finger over the pictures, then turned and looked at him.

"I love it."

"I thought you might."

"Thank you. It's perfect. You're perfect."

He brushed her hair back and kissed her softly, pressing his forehead to hers and nuzzling her nose gently.

"You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I love every moment with you, the good and the bad, because you're the one that's standing beside me. I am so glad I have you and I can't imagine what life would be like without you."

"You'll never have to know."

"I love you, baby. Happy birthday."


	83. Chapter 83

His head pounded in perfect rhythm with his pulse while his ears rang and his sinuses throbbed. He groaned and pulled his pillow over his head, trying to drown out the screeching of the alarm clock, but not thinking about turning it off. He pulled the blanket more tightly around him and felt a short tug back.

"Would you turn that thing off?"

Her voice was muffled, but he could tell that his sore throat seemed to have a companion. He reached out and hit the alarm, feeling her move closer to him and try to steal the blankets back.

"Hey, those were mine."

"You sound like crap."

"So do you."

She snuggled in behind him, wrapping her arms around him and placing a kiss on his shoulder blade.

"Late spring colds," she muttered, running her hand up and down his chest. "Do your ears hurt? Mine hurt."

"A little. Headache?"

"Yeah. Sinuses?"

"Not so good. Achy?"

"Yep. We should stop kissin'."

"Swappin' germs. You really gotta trust someone for that."

He felt her smile spread across his skin.

"I think you've got a fever," she noted, sitting up and sniffling. He sighed and coughed, then rubbed his eyes and rolled over.

"Babe, you don't look so good."

"Neither do you. I love you but you're looking a little puffy."

"Gotta go to work," he sighed, struggling to sit up but having a coughing fit halfway there.

"No you don't," she said, pulling him back against her. "Not like that."

"It's not that bad."

"I beg to differ. You're sick."

"So are you. You sound like Louis Armstrong."

"Hello Dolly."

He snickered and reached his hand up to play with her hair.

"I think you should call in to work," she said around a cough.

"Nah, I'll be fine once I get up and get showered."

"If you're not then will you please stay home? I don't want you to get worse or give it to someone else or sneeze on some evidence."

"Okay, if I call in then you have to call in too."

"I might feel better by the time I have to go."

"Yes but if we're both sick then the chance of passing it on is greater."

"Hawkes?"

"Dr. Oz."

She nodded and rolled her eyes.

"Besides," he continued. "You're worse than me. I can hear your lungs crackle every time you take a breath."

"What's it sound like?"

"Cellophane. Or snow chains on a road with no snow on it."

"That's… oddly specific."

"No one ever accused me of being vague."

"I'm sure not."

"Hey babe I just realized that we might have a problem."

"And that would be?"

"What if Colton's not sick and we are? How are we going to keep him from catching this?"

"Umm…"

"Should we even check on him and see if he's alright? Should we go in there?"

"I don't know. I guess we should see how he's feeling before we work ourselves into a tizzy."

"Tizzy," he chuckled before succumbing to another round of coughing. "Do we have any Day-Quil?"

"Somewhere."

"You've been most helpful."

"Well at least we know that's it's in the specific earthly confines of this apartment."

"Unless it's in the car."

"What?"

"Have you been hitting the cold medicine while driving?"

"You are sick," she chuckled as he stood up from the bed.

"I'm going to take a shower. You can hunt down the drugs."

"I don't know what comeback to use for that one, so I'm just going to nod and smile like you say that every day."

"That's a good wife."

"Don't pat my head, it's creepy."

He grinned and headed off into the bathroom while she tucked herself back into the warmth of the bed.

* * *

"Pretty sure that made things worse," Adam reported a while later, his congestion even more evident than it had been. "I feel like… something bad. Fix it babe."

"I would if I could," she muttered from underneath the pile of blankets. "But I am not Dr. Quinn or um… that one… from that show…what am I talking about?"

"I lost you before you started talking," he said, climbing back into bed and spooning up behind her. She coughed and rubbed at her already red eyes before turning over and burying herself in him.

"I would say you smell good, but I can't smell a thing."

"I might not smell great. I just stood there and rinsed for fifteen minutes. I don't think I used soap."

"I don't seem to mind."

"I like a woman with low standards."

"Or olfactory sensors that are out of commission."

"That was a lot of big words and when I'm feeling better, I am sure I will know what you just said."

"My head hurts. Did you call work?"

"Yeah, I talked to Mac. He said it's going around. He sounded like he was in the thick of it too, but he'll never take a sick day."

"He'd rather be bled by leeches for a cure than take a day off."

"Baby, that's gross."

"He would!"

"We have really weird pillow talk."

"Adam, we're really weird."

"We are?"

"I don't think anyone else counts Mario Kart as foreplay."

"If I didn't feel like crap I'd take you right now."

She chuckled roughly and closed her eyes against the sunlight, sure it was making the headache worse.

"Did Colton wake up yet?"

"No. He's probably sick too if he's sleeping this late."

"Late? What time is it?"

"I dunno, like a quarter to seven."

"He's usually up an hour ago."

"Why do we even have an alarm?"

"I don't know. I'm going to go and check on him."

He got out of bed and she shivered at the loss of warmth, then pulled the blankets around her as tight as they would go. She hated being sick, but would take this cold over the flu any day. Coughing lightly, she reached up and felt her own forehead, knowing she couldn't accurately gauge her temperature that way.

There were very few times in her life when she really felt as if curling in a ball and whimpering would make her feel better, but this was one of those times. It wasn't so much that she was in horrible pain and suffering as it was that she just felt pitiful.

"Hey mama, we've got another infestation."

She looked up to see Adam bringing a very sad Colton into the room.

"Mama," he croaked, reaching his hands out for her.

"Would snuggles make you feel better too?"

They climbed back into bed and Colton gave a half smile as he snuggled down between them, yawning before closing his eyes.

"He's starting to look more like you," Adam said, brushing Colton's hair back from his forehead.

"No he's not."

"Yes he is. He has your smile."

"Nu-uh, he has yours."

"He used to, but now when he smiles all I see is you."

"Either way he's pretty perfect. Snotty nose and all."

"I could say the same thing about you. Stuffy nose and all."

She grinned and reached over to tame his curls before sliding her hand down his face and tracing her thumb over his lips.

"I really love you, Adam."

"I really love you too. Let's get some sleep."

He held his hand up, fingers fanned out, and she pressed her palm to his, lacing their fingers together. They sighed in chorus and slid gently into sleep.

The phone rang a few hours later and Adam cracked his eye open just a little to make sure Lindsay was getting it and he was effective in fake sleeping through the noise.

"H'llo? Hey Stell… Oh, we're alive… Yeah, all of us… No, I think we're okay. I know there's some tissues around here somewhere… Okay, I will, thanks."

She hung up the phone and sniffled before pulling the blankets back nearly over her head.

"Mama?"

"What's up buddy?"

"Nummy?"

"Could you pretend you're not hungry for a little while?" she asked as he sat up and looked down at her with wide eyes. "Mama's tired dude."

"Nummy," he repeated, pointing out the door.

"Alright. I suppose we can eat something while daddy lays in here and pretends to sleep."

"How'd you know?"

"Because I'm not a moron."

"Oh."

"You sound so shocked."

He chuckled and sat up, throwing the blankets off and following them out to the kitchen.

"So what'll it be boys?"

"What do we have?"

"I forgot to go shopping yesterday," she sighed, opening the fridge and looking it over.

"Meaning?"

"We're down to oatmeal and spaghetti."

"I'm failing to see the problem here."

"Oatmeal it is."

She set to work making breakfast while the boys played on the floor with some trucks, amid lots of sniffling and sneezing.

"Oh no, there's a fire!" Adam shouted.

"No no!" Colton exclaimed. "Fi!"

"We have to go put the fire out. It's under mama's feet!"

They raced their fire trucks across the floor and drove them over her feet, making siren and fire hose noises as they went. She giggled at the feeling of the plastic tires running over her skin, and the sound of her husband abandoning every ounce of adult he had left.

"Oh no, the fire made mama's toenails red!"

"Mama?" Colton asked, looking up at her worriedly.

"It's okay honey. Your daddy is just crazy."

"Daddy?"

"Your mama's right."

"Okay," he sighed, driving the truck up Lindsay's leg.

"You're going to make her squirm, she's ticklish."

Colton sighed and dropped the truck onto her foot before getting up and scampering off to find another toy.

"Are you just going to stay on the floor?"

"All my energy is gone."

"Wanna mop while you're down there?"

"Slave driver."

* * *

"I'm pretty sure my nose is going to fall off soon," Lindsay complained, tossing the tissue towards the overflowing garbage can.

"I shall call you she who shall not be named."

She let out a sinister laugh and he playfully pushed her away, smiling when she overcorrected and ended up in his arms.

"Fancy meeting you here."

"I know, who'da thunk?"

He smiled and brushed her hair behind her ear.

"Merlin's beard woman, you're beautiful."

She half chuckled and half blushed, knowing she had red rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks and a chapped nose and he would still never think she was anything less than beautiful. Her hand reached up and pulled him closer, kissing him with as much gusto as she could manage.

"You taste like menthol," he noted.

"Is that bad?"

"I feel like I'm sucking on a Ricola."

"Gee thanks," she whined, stealing the fleece blanket from him and letting out a pathetic cough.

"Oh brother. Get back here."

"No way, I taste like Ricola."

"Lindsay, get over here."

"Nu-uh."

"C'mon, don't pout."

"I'm not pouting, I'm just making a face."

"I'm going to kiss that face right off of you."

She giggled as he slowly tackled her onto the couch and kissed her as senseless as he could manage with barely being able to breathe.

"Reason number four hundred eighty-seven why I hate having a cold," she remarked with a sigh.

"Me too. Want some more chicken soup?"

"I feel like I'm going to sprout feathers and start clucking."

"So the answer is…"

"Do we have something else? Vegetable beef?"

"So you want to start mooing?"

"I thought beef would balance out the chicken."

"How?"

"I don't make the rules dear."

"Very well then. I shall raid our end-of-the-world supplies and see what's up."

"You're such a good provider."

He smiled and stood up from the couch, tucking the blanket tightly around her and kissing her forehead before he went into the kitchen. She sat up a little and peeked down at Colton who had been sacked out on the floor for the better part of the evening. He was still asleep, his cheeks rosy and his breathing slightly ragged. She wondered if she should move him off of the floor but he looked comfortable enough and would probably wake up at the first smell of food, so she decided to just leave him there for now.

A cough shuddered through her and she rubbed at her eyes wishing this would go away. Being sick wasn't so bad. Not being able to take care of her boys when they were sick was horrible. She really was trying, but her body hurt and she had no energy and the thought of getting off the couch made her head spin. Adam seemed to be doing a little better though, and she could handle him being the caretaker for just one day. She craned her neck and peeked into the kitchen, smirking as he sock-skated across the floor to whatever music was going on in his head.

"Are you David Arquette or Tom Cruise?"

"Are you kidding? I'm the older sister in _Honey I Shrunk The Kids_."

She snickered as he returned to the couch, handing her a mug of soup with a spoon stuck in it. She took it gratefully, warming her hands up on it before taking a sip.

"Is it okay?"

"I wish I could taste it."

"Might be better this way hon."

"Nah, I trust you. Unless you put a Slim Jim in it again."

"That was only that one time! And it was years ago!"

"I won't let you forget it."

"You liked it until I told you what I put it."

"You told me about the same time my stomach started churning."

"I'm glad you gave me another shot or this whole thing may never have happened."

"I dunno, I was pretty happy about the situation, Slim Jims or not."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good to know."

They sat quietly and half ate their soup, putting it down after a while and settling in to flip through the channels.

"Hey sweetie?"

"Hmm?"

"We haven't really talked about it in a while, but I was thinkin'…"

"Hmm?"

"Linds… I want another one."

She sighed and smiled, running her hand over his.

"I know you do."

"I know you're not really ready yet."

"I'm ready. I am, I really am. I just feel like we need to wait a little longer."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I guess maybe it's just that I worry about Colton, that he's gong to be jealous or left out or something."

"He won't honey."

"I know that," she sighed. "But I don't feel that."

"I think you're making excuses."

"I guess I am a little scared. I just don't know if I have enough for two. I'm tired and busy and I feel like I'm spread too thin sometimes."

"I think everyone feels that way."

"Austin can do it. She's going to be just fine. Me? With two? No."

"Lindsay," he chuckled, turning her to face him. "You're amazing. If you want to do it, you can. If you had to do it you would. And it's not just you, remember? I know you do the majority of the work, but I can pick up some slack sometimes."

"I know. I don't want you to misunderstand me. I really do want another one. I think about it a lot. I feel like we're meant to have more. But we've always just said we'll talk about it later."

"Do you need this to be a definite yes or no?"

"I think so."

"Okay, so we are going to at some point in the future but not too distant future have a second child. Right?"

"Right."

They smiled at each other for a minute.

"We really just decided that, didn't we?"

"Yes we did."

"It's scary."

"A little. But now we know the ropes a little bit better."

"Yeah. Can we maybe, possibly wait just a little while?"

"How long?"

"Maybe… can we wait to start trying until after Colton's birthday? I know it's months away, but I think I still have a lot running around in my head and I just need a little while to get everything in order."

"Okay."

"That's fine with you?"

"Linds, we're going to have another baby. Whether you got pregnant tonight or a year from now, it doesn't matter that much to me. I just want us all to be happy and healthy. That's it."

"Thank you for knowing me so well."

"No problem. Want to find something better to watch than infomercials?"

"What could be better than infomercials?"

"I dunno. Let's find out."

She grinned and wrapped her arms around him, suddenly very thankful for a sick day.


	84. Chapter 84

Lindsay grumbled and kicked the machine, crossing her arms at the chemical stain that ran down the side of it. It was dead officially, and there was no getting it back. Dropping her head into her hands, she sighed and gave the machine another gentle kick before falling into a chair.

"Whoa dude, who dropped a turd in your punchbowl?"

"Hey Aust. What are you doing here, aren't you supposed to be starting your maternity leave?"

"This is my last shift before I get locked up. Are you alright?"

"Just a bad day."

"Divulge."

"Adam and I got into a fight this morning and I had to leave for work before we could make it better. The air conditioning went out in the car and it's about 100 degrees today. I spilled coffee all over my shoes and I haven't found any more yet and this stupid machine is out to make me assist it in its suicide."

"That is… some Tuesday there buddy."

"Yeah and it's only ten in the morning."

"What did you and Adam fight about?"

"That's the thing, I have no idea. It's like we woke up arguing. And we've been doing it a lot lately. I have no idea what it is."

"Want to hear my opinion?"

"Yes please."

"You're working a lot again, not seeing each other a lot again, and you haven't had even a weekend off in a long time. You just need to step back and breathe and talk to each other."

"Maybe. It's so weird, this has never happened before, you know? We always get over stuff, we never have problems getting along, none of it. I wouldn't know where to begin. It just doesn't make sense. I don't even know who's starting it."

"You guys are both just stressed out. You're getting used to someone else watching Colton, you spent almost a week in a courtroom, his dad's been calling him, you guys are due for a-"

"Wait, what?"

"What, what?"

"His dad's been calling him?"

"You… didn't know."

"The look on my face says that I didn't know."

"Oops."

"How come you know and I don't?"

"Don't be mad Linds. I just happened to walk in just as he was getting off the phone the other day and he told me because we talk about that kind of stuff and… you look mad."

"When was this?"

"Last week or so."

"Was it the first time he's called?"

"I'm not sure."

"Austin."

"I guess it's been going on since his dad dropped by that one time."

"That was over a year ago," Lindsay breathed in disbelief. "He's been lying to me for a year."

"Don't look at it that way."

"Why not? When I don't tell him things he calls that lying. How is this different?"

"I… Linds, I'm sorry I spilled the beans. Now you're upset."

"It's alright."

"You're mad."

"Not at you."

"But you're mad at him. Don't be mad, I'm sure he was just trying not to worry you."

"Because I'm so fragile and can't handle anything, or because he doesn't trust me, or because of some other insane reason I haven't thought of yet?"

"This is Adam we're talking about. He's not underhanded like that."

Lindsay just sighed and buried her face in her hands, trying to calm her heart rate which was rapidly rising from anger.

"I need to go for a walk."

"You don't look like you want company."

"Not unless you want to see my nasty side."

"I prefer to think my best friend is a goody two shoes. It's going to be alright, Linds. You're going to work it out."

"Yeah."

"Don't be mad. I mean, you can be mad at him, but promise you're not mad at me."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Aust. I'm not mad at you."

"Feels like you are."

"I'm not. He probably told you he was going to tell me."

"Yeah."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just…"

"Hurt."

"Very."

"I'm so sorry, Linds."

"I'll figure it out."

"You are going to talk to him, right?"

"Yeah, I'll talk to him."

"And maybe give him the benefit of the doubt?"

"That's pushing it."

"Okay. Call me if you want to vent about it."

She just nodded sadly, feeling completely betrayed.

* * *

"Hey, I stuck some dinner in the oven for you," Adam greeted when she walked in the door. "I thought I would try and make up for being grumpy this morning."

"Thanks."

"You okay?" he asked, jamming his foot into his shoe without untying it. "You didn't call today, you get busy?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"What's the matter?"

She just shook her head and moved into the other room, taking a glass out of the cupboard and filling it with water. She hadn't eaten anything all day, and the coffee this morning would have been the only thing she drank if it had ever made it into her mouth.

"Honey, what's bugging you?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"And you love me too, right?"

"You know that I do. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I was just double checking."

"Something's wrong."

"You're going to be late for work."

He just looked at her for a minute, then tugged on her sleeve and turned her around to face him.

"Hey, I thought we said we were going to tell each other stuff."

"Well you just hit the nail right on the head, didn't you?" she shouted stalking away from him.

"What in the world are you talking about?"

"I don't know, Adam. Is there something that you've maybe been keeping from me for a year now? Something that you should have told me and just figured it wasn't important?"

"I'm lost."

"Just think about it for a minute."

Suddenly it dawned on him and he sighed.

"How'd you find out?"

"It doesn't matter how I found out, Adam. The fact is that I didn't find out from you."

"I'm sorry, I just… I don't know why I didn't tell you."

"Go to work," she spat, turning the other way so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"No, I want to talk about this."

"We're not going to talk about this now because Colton is sitting ten feet away and I don't want him to hear us fighting like this, and you had better believe this is going to be a big fight."

"Lindsay," he started, grabbing her arms and pulling her closer. "Don't be stubborn."

"Things would be better for you if you just went to work right now."

She could feel nausea creeping up on her and she tried to ignore it. She hated fighting with him more than she hated anything, but being this mad was even worse. Being this mad made her not want to work it out. It made her want to ignore it until the hurt went away and they could forget it ever happened. It made her not want to even look at him. He wrapped his arms around her and she stiffened, wanting to push him away but knowing that no matter what, he didn't deserve that.

"I'll be home later. And I want to talk about this."

"We'll see."

"Lindsay-"

"No, we made a promise to always talk to each other. We made that promise twice. I thought it applied to both of us but apparently I was mistaken. I don't even know what I'm supposed to think now."

"I screwed up. I'm really sorry."

She didn't say anything, just stood there while he searched her face for something, anything that would help. She wasn't giving anything up.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"Mm-hmm."

"I know you're mad and you have every right to be. But can I please kiss you goodbye?"

"Don't make me say no."

He sighed and settled for a kiss on the forehead.

"Will you be awake when I get home?"

She hesitated for a second. She was so seething mad she couldn't imagine agreeing to anything he said, but there was that tiny part of her that hurt for him, for the things he must be going through with his dad calling.

"I'll try," she said finally. He nodded and sighed, tipping her chin up a little.

"Linds, look at me."

Her eyes met his and she managed to be mad and sad and annoyed and hurt all at the same time and all over again.

"I'm sorry."

She bit back the hurtful words she wanted to spew and just gave a short nod and stepped out of his arms. His heart sunk and he wanted to pull her back to him and fix it all right then, but he knew she needed time to sort her brain out and cool off. So he let her go, watching her walk over to the window and stand with her back to him, closing off for the time being. He sighed and said goodbye to Colton, then slipped out the door. He stood in the hallway for a while, not so sure he should actually leave. Maybe he should call in to work, just for an hour or two and try to find some way to fix this.

"Colton, can mama have some snuggles?"

Her voice was full of tears even through the door and he could nearly see her sinking down onto the couch while Colton toddled over to her happily. He'd really made a mess of things. Forgiving him was going to be very, very hard for her.

* * *

"What are you doing here? I thought you would have been home by now," Lindsay said, opening the door for Austin.

"I'm here, so I'm sorta home. And did you really think I was going to let you sit here all night being mad and hurt and quite possibly crying by yourself when I could come and let you vent to me for at least a little while?"

"I dunno," Lindsay replied, closing the door and flopping down on the couch while Austin chose the chair.

"You want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Want me to talk?"

"No."

"Want me to leave?"

"No."

"Well okay, that clears it up."

"I'm sorry. I'm just so… I can't even think straight. I'm so mad I can barely talk. What did I do that was so wrong that he can't trust me with this? Does he really think I'm that fragile? That something like this would break me?"

"I don't think he's thinking that, Linds."

"But why didn't he tell me? A whole year, Aust. A whole year that he kept it all a secret and lied to me. While I was spilling my guts and telling him everything, he was sitting on this. What else has he kept from me? In the name of securing my sanity, what does he not tell me?"

"I don't know."

"We promised. We said we would always tell each other everything. And I've held up my end of the bargain. It hasn't been easy, but I've done a pretty good job for a couple months now. And here I found out that that was just a rule for me, that he can do whatever he wants."

"I don't think it's like that."

"You know what? I think it really is. I'm the one that has the issues, I'm the one that can't seem to move on completely, I'm the one that hurts and I'm the one that's weak and needs guidelines to live by lest my mental health goes down the drain. He's fine, he doesn't need anyone to lean on, he doesn't need support, he would be just fine on his own. All I do is drag him down anyway. No wonder he doesn't tell me anything. Why should he trust me? Why should he think I can handle things? I'm just a crying little girl who jumps at the sound of gunshots and has nightmares and can't be around grieving mothers and has to fight anxiety attacks at the sight of too much blood."

"Lindsay, shut up!" Austin said finally, standing up from the chair. Lindsay looked up at her in surprise, having forgotten she was even there.

"What?"

"Stop talking about yourself like that. You know it's not true at all."

"So you're taking his side?"

"No. I understand his side. I understand your side. I'm going to be Switzerland on this and just be on the side of your marriage. Now don't you think that maybe, just maybe it might be a hard thing for him to talk about?"

"Of course I've thought that, but I don't care! It's not like things are easy for me either. It's not like "Oh lets have a spot of tea and a crumpet and have a little chat." It's not easy. But I do it anyway."

"Linds."

"What did I do wrong? Where did I mess up so bad that he can't even tell me his dad is calling? I can't imagine what it must be like every time the phone rings and he hears that voice. And it all comes back all over again. And now I feel guilty for being mad at him but I still think he should know better and I'm still hurt and this really sucks."

"Linds, I don't think it's that he doesn't trust you or that he thinks you can't handle it. If anything it's probably that he thinks he can't. He doesn't want you to see him fall down or be hurt. So he pretends it doesn't happen. It sounds like you if you want me to be honest."

"Ouch."

"I agree that he should have known better and I think he should have told you, but I think it just went on too long and he wasn't sure how to bring it up. Yeah, he made a mistake and yeah, you have every right to be mad. But remember that he forgave you for something similar not long ago."

"I know you're right but I just… still hurt. I mean, there's so much I don't know about him. I don't expect to know every detail of what happened with his dad, but I barely know a thing. I don't know anything really about his previous relationships, or what it was like when his mom remarried or any of that. And maybe it's not that important, but he knows everything about me. Everything. I cannot think if anything that he doesn't know about now. But his life before we met is just a vague blur to me. I know you probably don't know what that feels like."

"Not really. But Danny and I have been in each other's lives for a very long time. It would be almost impossible for us not to know everything about each other. He knows when I first started my period, Linds. But that's because he was there and I drug him to the store so I could buy pads and not feel weird about it. You two… you just have years of things that you still get to discover."

"I guess so."

"So what are you going to do?"

"What?"

"You always have a plan, like the spider in that Raffi song. Now what is it?"

"I guess I'm just planning to make it up as I go along."

"Well that's a start."

"What should I do? If you were me, what would your next move be?"

"Lindsay, I think you just need to listen to him. Let him talk about it. Don't get on his case for not telling you until you understand why he didn't."

"You're right. You're always right."

"Nah, you're always right."

"You're right about that."

They both chuckled a little and Austin stood up again, stretching.

"You good?"

"I'm getting there."

"I'm going to head home then. If you need me later…"

"I'll call."

"I'd hug you if we were the hugging kind of friends."

"I appreciate the sentiment. And thanks."

"Anytime. You know I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you."

"I know. I love you too."

"Go get some rest so you can talk to him when he gets home."

"I will."

Austin stood up and started for the door, then turned back around.

"Linds, I'm just guessing here, but I know that father issues aren't easy, and I know if it were me in his position, I'd be feeling really small right now."

"Got it."

"Good luck."

* * *

Adam tried to be quiet as he turned the key in the lock, not wanting to wake Colton, and especially not wanting to disturb Lindsay. He'd spent most of his shift at work pacing the lab and wondering how he was going to recover from his mistake. She was mad and he had a feeling sitting at home stewing was not changing her opinions on the issue. He wanted to run home and pull her into his arms or grovel at her feet or buy her a meadow full of flowers or anything that would let her know how sorry he was and how much he loved her and how he would never do anything so stupid again. He'd kicked himself all the way home for his actions, or inaction as it were. It wasn't fair to her and he knew that.

Slowly he walked down the hallway towards their bedroom, noticing that the lamp was still on. He creaked the door open and peeked in at her, finding her asleep. She was curled up in a tiny ball in the middle of the bed and he half smiled, glad she wasn't on her side of the bed, because that would mean that he was really in for it. He shed his work clothes and remembered to place them in the dirty clothes basket before he crawled into bed.

He wasn't quite sure what to do. If he woke her up she might still be mad. If she slept all night they might never talk about this. It was probably better that she be mad now than pretend it never happened, so he reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear, then gave her hands a squeeze.

"Lindsay."

She stirred a little and woke up, blinking a few times before she figured out what was going on.

"Hi," he whispered, not knowing what else to say.

She sat up and wrenched her hands from his and for a second he regretted waking her up until she threw her arms around him.

"I'm sorry," she said, holding back tears. "I shouldn't have jumped right to mad, I should have talked to you first. I shouldn't have yelled when I got home either. I'm so sorry, honey. You didn't deserve that."

"You were right though," he said, lifting her head up from his chest and looking her in the eye. "We both promised, not just you. I should have told you right away. I don't know why I didn't."

"I don't know why you didn't either."

"How mad are you right now?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands in the lamplight.

"I'm really mad, Adam. I'm trying not to be, because I kind of understand, but that doesn't make it hurt any less."

"No, it doesn't."

"I don't want to be mad at you. I hate it."

"I'm not a fan either. What do I need to do to fix this?"

"Will you tell me now? Talk to me?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything you never told me."

"You mean about my dad?"

"I mean about everything."

He sighed and she laid back against the pillows, taking his hand again.

"You don't have to do it now. I just don't think we should have secrets."

He nodded and pulled her closer, sighing but knowing she was right. All the words and stories floated around in his head, all the things he thought didn't matter anymore, he was finding out they did. As much as her pain mattered to them now, so did his.

She was quiet as she lay beside him, running her fingers gently over his arm, calming him and bringing him back to the reality of this dimly lit bedroom where she was all he had, all he needed.

"I don't think I remember when it started. Maybe it was always there. I remember when I was younger, it was just kind of shoving me around, grabbing me too hard, things like that. I always thought I was just a bad kid, but then I started going to other people's houses and I saw that their dads never treated them that way. I tried to be better, tried to please him. I remember it was his birthday or father's day or something. I was five I think. And I gave him this card. And I said "I love you dad." And I tried to hug him and he just pushed me away and left the room."

She didn't say anything, but moved a little closer, realizing just why it hurt him so bad when she denied his hugs in the name of being tired or mad or rushing out the door. That's why he used touch so often to communicate with her. That's why he held her every night, even if it wasn't always comfortable. She bit back her tears and gave his hand a squeeze, encouraging him to go on.

"I think that's when the verbal stuff started. You'll never amount to anything, I wish you were never born, you're the worst thing that has ever happened to me, you're a waste, you'll never make me proud. Over and over he would say those things. And he'd say them and he'd hit me. And every day was worse than the one before. I never did anything right. Never. Not one time. I always should have done better. I hated him for that but at the same time I wanted his approval so bad. I would do anything to hear him say he was proud of me. Anything. I went into the store and I stole things for him because he told me to and I thought it would make him proud."

He sighed and she wanted so badly to tell him to stop. Stop speaking, stop remembering, stop hurting. She wanted to protect him from it all, to wipe it from his memory. But she couldn't do that. As bad as it hurt, he had to know where and what he came from.

"My mom finally left him when I was nine. She was in Texas for three weeks, taking care of her aunt. I was home with dad, but I managed to steer clear of him for the most part. But one night, I don't know he was drunk and I was late coming home and it turned into a huge fight. He knocked me down the stairs and I hit my head or something. I woke up later and there were paramedics and the cops there. I guess a neighbor came over to drop something off and she found me on the floor. My dad had taken off and mom was still in Texas, couldn't get home, so I ended up in a foster home for a few days."

She couldn't stop the tears that fell now, for the pain that he'd suffered in those moments, those days being all alone. For the rehashing of the pain now, every time his father called and he had to hear that voice again. Her heart was truly broken, and for the first time it wasn't because of her own pain.

"Mom eventually made it home and we picked up our stuff and got out of there. Never looked back."

His voice cracked at the last few words, for now he had to look back. Every time he got a phone call, he had to look back and realize that there was a little part of him that still wasn't free. There was a little part of him that still wanted to please his father and there was a bigger little part of him that was still abandoned and hurt at the bottom of the stairs.

She rolled over to face him and they both reached out to wipe each other's tears away. There was so much she wanted to say but she didn't know where to start so she just held him instead.

"You're the first person to love me enough," he said after a moment, lifting his head a little to look at her. He never did. Mom… she tried, but I still never felt like I was worth protecting. And then you came along and you love me and you'll fight for me and cry for me and do anything for me. I have never wondered how much you love me because I already know."

"It kills me that you went your whole life never feeling that. Never feeling that someone loved you that much."

"It's okay."

"No it's not. No one should ever have to feel that way."

"I know. But it's okay. Because it makes me a better husband and a better father. I know that I can't ever do that to you guys. I know how important it is to show you I love you every day. I don't want Colton to grow up the way I did. I don't ever want him to feel rejected or like we don't love him as much as other parents love their kids. I don't know if I would realize that if I didn't go through all this."

"How'd you get to be so strong?" she sniffled, raking her hand through his hair.

"I've watched you do it for a long time now. Four years ago, I wouldn't have said a word about this to anyone. I would have just picked up and moved when he found me. That's why I left Phoenix in the first place. But I watch you fight these battles every day. I've learned from you. You've given me so much without even knowing it."

"Right back at ya."

He chuckled and pulled her to him feeling so much lighter, despite the gravity of the conversation.

"Thank you for making me speak, babe. I really needed to. For a long time."

"I want you to know that you always can."

"I will."

He kissed her softly, the way he always did when he needed to cement a promise.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."

"Want to try and get some sleep?"

"Yeah."

"And we'll talk more tomorrow. Whatever you want to know."

"It's a date. Goodnight."

"Night babe."

He kissed her again and she buried herself in him, happy to have him back, no matter how many scars he carried and how many hurts he couldn't leave behind. He was hers, even if he came to her bruised and sore and trampled, she would accept him and love him just the way he had done for her.


	85. Chapter 85

"Colton, leave Isa alone. She doesn't want you trying to hold her."

"Mama!" he replied, exasperated at Isa for walking away when he was trying to share his toys with her.

"Dude, you know as well as I do that you can't make her do anything."

He sighed and put the plastic horse down while Isa giggled and ran across the room, crashing into Lindsay's legs with a smile.

"Hey little miss."

"Up?"

Lindsay scooped her off the floor and planted a kiss on her cheek, sighing when Colton reached up for her too. He could share his toys but he didn't like to share his mama. She adjusted them both on her hip and made her way into the bathroom. Colton squealed in delight and wiggled down from her arms, running over to his basket of bath toys and throwing them in the tub. He clapped when the rubber alien hit the porcelain so hard it squeaked.

"Bath mama!"

"Yes, it's time for a bath and then bed."

"My mommy?" Isa chirped, looking out the door expectantly.

"Your mommy's at the hospital right now. She's having a baby."

Isa nodded seriously and stuck her thumb in her mouth, watching Colton skeptically as he continued to throw toys in the tub. Lindsay leaned down and turned the water on, adding a dollop of bubble bath more for propriety than anything. Colton ripped his socks off then looked up at her with a grin. She had helped him out of everything but his diaper when the phone rang. Sighing, she ran into the kitchen to grab it while the kids knelt by the side of the tub, splashing their hands in the water.

"Hello."

"Hey, it's Danny."

"Hey. Are you a daddy again?"

"Yeah."

She smiled and settled Colton in the tub, then pulled the barrettes out of Isa's hair.

"Everybody doing okay?"

"Yeah. It was kind of a whirlwind. Austin's exhausted enough that she's just laying there, I'm exhausted enough that I drank my coffee black, and Sarah's been sleeping pretty much since they got her all rolled up."

"Bundled up?"

"Yeah, that."

"You are tired."

"Very."

"Do you want me to bring Isa down there?"

"I dunno, just a sec."

She could hear a moment of conferring in the background before he came back on the line.

"Austin says just bring her in the morning. We're going to crash here pretty soon. Is she doing okay over there?"

"She is currently chewing on a shampoo bottle, so she's holding her own."

"Sounds like my girl. I'm sorry it was tonight, I know Adam's at work so you're stuck with both kids and-"

"Austin's done it for us enough times. It's not a problem. Would I deny childcare to a woman in labor?"

"Not if you knew what was good for you."

"Is she completely zonked out or can I talk to her?"

"You can talk her."

He handed the phone to Austin and she took it, blinking slowly to try to produce some wakefulness.

"Hey Linds."

"Hey, to the newest member of the two kids under two club. How are you feeling?"

"Sore, overwhelmed, exhausted."

"But she's perfect so it's worth it?"

"Yes. I can't wait for you to see her. She's so pretty Linds. She's got blonde hair and Danny's eyes and I can't stop looking at her."

"You're going to make me cry," Lindsay said, feeling her heart clench in remembrance of those first moments with a newborn.

"I already made me cry. I might be a little emotional."

"That's alright. You just enjoy that baby and get some sleep and we'll see you in the morning."

"I will. Give Isa a kiss for me."

"Consider it done. Night."

"Night."

She hung up the phone and looked down at the kids who were happily playing with toys, Colton driving his boats upside down while Isa tried to keep the floating toys underwater.

She watched them quietly for a long time, loving the fact that they would always have each other.

"Mama? Who is?"

"You mean on the phone? It was uncle Danny and aunt Austin."

"Au'tin!"

"Yep. Remember we talked about baby Sarah?"

"Baby Sa'ah."

"Mine!" Isa shouted at the mention of her new sister's name.

"Yep, yours. Who's ready to get their hair washed and go to bed?" she asked enthusiastically. Both kids clapped their hands and she laughed, managing to get them both shampooed, rinsed, and out of the water in a few minutes. The were giggling and warm and sweet smelling wrapped up in towels and she bent down to pick them both up and take them into the bedroom.

"Let's see, we need diapers and jammies and some blankies and a story. That sound good?"

"Blankie," Colton said, pulling the small quilt through the bars of the crib and handing it to Isa. "Isa have."

She took it with a giggle and buried her face in it while Lindsay grabbed her and changed her clothes.

"Alright my little exhibitionist, your turn."

Colton plopped down in front of her and she dressed him then kissed the top of his head, loving the way his hair curled more when it was damp.

"Mama?"

"What love?"

"Boot?"

"You pick a book and I'll read it to you."

She sat down in the chair and pulled Isa up with her, peppering her cheeks with kisses. She automatically loved her nephews and her niece, but with Isa and now Sarah, she had chosen to love them. And she couldn't imagine loving them any more than she already did.

"Here mama," Colton said, handing her the book and climbing into her lap. He adjusted himself in the crook of her arm, then reached over and held Isa's hand. She smiled at him and stuck her free thumb in her mouth as Lindsay opened the book and began to read. It had been her favorite story as a little girl, and it was the book that Colton most often picked out too. The words floated out of her mouth almost memorized as the kids drifted off to sleep in her lap. She stayed there for a long time, trying to figure out how to get up and get them both into the crib without waking either one. It was going to be impossible, so she had to gently deposit Colton on the floor and put Isa in the crib first. She snuffled and whimpered for a few seconds then settled down. Colton was already snoring deeply when she put him down, and she covered them both with a blanket and left the room.

She went into the bathroom and cleaned up, then into the kitchen to put the dishes away before finally flopping onto the couch with a sigh. She was tired down to her bones and the summer heat was sapping every ounce of energy she had left. Flipping through all the channels ate up a good amount of time and by the time she had settled on a World War Two documentary, Adam had arrived home.

"I'm so happy to see you," she said before he leaned down to kiss her.

"Are the kids driving you nuts?"

"No, I'm just happy to see you."

"I'm happy to see you too. There room on this couch?"

She nodded and scooted over so he could lay down with her. Things had gotten much better since their talk and they hadn't had an argument in over a month. They were both more aware of what they were doing and saying and how it affected the other. They'd always been in tune, but had taken it for granted and let themselves get out of practice. They were healing a lot stronger than they had ever been, and neither one of them could imagine hitting such a rough patch again.

"How was work?" she asked as his fingers drug through her hair.

"It was fine. Lots of tedium."

"No break?"

"Not much. My eyes are burning."

"Close them."

"I'll fall asleep out here."

"Then let's move. You look like a back rub would do you some good."

"You're so good to me."

* * *

"Why don't I drop you and Isa at the door and me and Colton will go find a parking space?" Adam asked, navigating the car through the back streets to the hospital.

"Think you'll find a space?"

"It might be kind of far away but I think I can find something."

She nodded and turned the radio up a little, glancing back and watching as Colton and Isa bounced in their carseats to the beat.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I kinda hate this song."

"Hold the phone. YOU hate a country song? I'm in shock."

"I don't hate it, hate it. Just that one part bugs me, where he says he's not leaving until they're kissin' on the porch swing. I mean really, what guy in his right mind is going to get up and leave once he's finally kissin' her?"

"I think he means that he's not going to leave until they have kissed on the porch swing. Cuz that's when the date's over."

"Apparently I have never kissed you on a porch swing before."

"Yeah, you must be thinking of someone else."

She snickered and shook her head.

"Isa sweet thing," Colton sang while Isa giggled. He continued to babble along with the song, singing just the title phrase every time it came through, and adding his best friend's name to it.

"Your son is a charmer," Lindsay noted.

"Yeah, I teach him stuff in my spare time."

"Then how come he's doin' so good?"

"Nice one."

She grinned and gave him a high five as he turned the car into the hospital parking lot.

"I think I'll go up and see what room they're in and leave Isa with them and then come back down and get you."

"Alright."

She got out of the car, then reached in for Isa, who screamed at being taken away from Colton.

"It's okay little miss, we're going to go see mommy and daddy and baby sister."

"My mommy?"

"Yes, your mommy."

They went inside the building and found the elevator, riding it up to the maternity floor. They checked in at the desk and went down the hallway to the last door. Lindsay knocked gently on it, then poked her head inside. It was the most quiet she had ever seen a group of Messers, and she almost hated to interrupt it. Austin was sitting in the rocking chair with a blanket over her lap while Danny sat next to her, holding Sarah. Isa smiled and squirmed and Lindsay took her over to Austin who looked very happy to have her whole family in one place.

"Mine?" Isa asked, pointing down at Sarah.

"Yep, your sister."

Lindsay smiled and excused herself, letting them have their family moment. She wandered back down the hall and to the first floor, going in to the gift shop to wait for the boys. She wandered the aisles for a few minutes, remembering her five days in this very hospital and being bored out of her mind, only able to visit Colton a few times a day. She'd done a lot of wandering around, wishing she could be upstairs with him all the time, but knowing she needed her own recuperation time. She still felt a little cheated, that she didn't get the same bonding with him that other mothers got, that those first days were still so fuzzy in her head. She felt like she had made up for it though, with all the time she was able to spend at home with him. It had been hard to make their schedules work out for that sometimes, and they had even had to pass him off in the lab a few times. She hated that they sometimes had to leave him with someone else, but Austin had helped out, and one of their older neighbors had been practically a God-send. They were still working the logistics, and she was sure with a second someday things were just going to get harder, but there was still a lot of time to figure that out.

"Even in the hospital she shops."

She turned around and grinned at Adam as he came through the door.

"Find a spot?"

"You shoulda worn your hiking boots."

"That bad?"

"At least its not cold out. Are we going upstairs?"

She checked her watch.

"I figure we give them a few more minutes. Might take us that long to clean up the toys that our son has taken off the shelf."

He looked over at Colton who had pulled about fifteen stuffed animals off the shelf and was trying to climb onto it.

"I don't know what we're going to do with you," Adam sighed, passing him to Lindsay and cleaning up the toys.

"I think he needs a jungle gym. He's already figured out how to make the drawers in the kitchen into stairs."

"He's got my brains."

"Heaven help us all."

"Well, if he has your common sense then he'll be sure to use his powers for good."

"I foresee this conversation rapidly becoming a discussion about if I should make him a cape or a whole costume."

"We've had that conversation before."

"That's the problem."

He chuckled and took Colton's hand, leading them out to the elevators.

"Feels like yesterday, doesn't it."

"In some ways. And in other ways, it feels like a million years ago."

"I look back at us then and just see young and stupid."

"We weren't stupid, we were just naïve."

"We thought we could handle it."

"Remember how we thought we were such great bath givers…" she started with a wincing grin.

"And then that horrible day when we realized we'd missed his armpits and that's where the extra milk had been dribbling."

"So gross."

"So, so gross."

"No diaper was ever that bad."

"Definitely not."

They grinned together and looked down at Colton who was holding their hands and happily walking between them.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"You bought him more new shoes?"

"He's growing!"

"You have an obsession with Chucks, honey. I declare intervention."

"They're plaid, how could I pass that up?"

"So we enable each other. Is that wrong?"

"I don't wanna be right."

"Yeah, that's never concerned you."

"You're feisty today."

"As opposed to?"

"Very true."

She smiled as the elevators doors opened to the fourth floor.

"Hey buddy, you're going to have to be quiet when we go in there, okay?" Adam said, crouching down and looking Colton in the eye. "Can you do that?"

"Shh," he answered, nodding his head.

Adam knocked on the door and opened it, finding Austin on the bed, holding both of her daughters while Danny fiddled with the TV.

"See mine!" Isa said enthusiastically, pointing at Sarah.

"I see!" Colton whispered loudly, lifting his arms up to Lindsay. She picked him up and he leaned over to look down at the baby.

"Sleepin'," he decided with a nod. "Hi Au'tin."

"Hi dude. You're very color un-coordinated today."

"Daddy dressed him," Lindsay explained, smoothing the wrinkle in his polo shirt. "He had a good idea, but I think he needs to take more lessons."

"I heard that," Adam said from the corner of the room where he and Danny were trying to figure out how to work the remote.

"Colton, do you want to hold the baby?" Austin asked while Isa crawled to the foot of the bed and peeked over the side. He smiled and Lindsay put him down on the bed and Austin helped him hold Sarah just right.

"Mama, baby Sa'ah pitty."

"Yeah, she is pretty huh?"

He nodded and smiled then looked over at Isa who was hanging half off the bed.

"What doin'?"

"She's just playing."

"I play."

Austin chuckled and took Sarah back while Lindsay lifted Colton onto the ground.

"Why don't you two play on the floor where you can't get hurt?" she suggested, taking Isa off the bed too. They giggled and immediately got down on their hands and knees to crawl under the bed.

"Hey kids, get off that floor, it's probably… ah, never mind."

Austin smirked and shook her head.

"Do they call moms like you lazy or easy going?"

"I believe it's something more akin to letting your child discover their environment naturally. In my case though I am just kinda lazy."

"Lazy she says, having been up since at least six this morning because she paid the bills and ran to the store and already put dinner in the oven."

"When did you start confusing me with Donna Reed?"

"I think I might still got some pain killers in me."

"Speaking of which, thanks for not dying."

"We're even now. Wanna hold the fruit of my labors?"

"I thought you were gonna call her the fruit of something else."

"Yeah, I guess I could have gone either way with that one."

"You never fail to amuse me. Now gimme that kid."

"Yes ma'am."

"Geez, you guys make cute babies."

"Classy Linds."

"What, you do!"

"And you don't?"

"Nah, we just got lucky with that one."

"How was Isa for you last night?"

"She was good."

"Except?"

"She had a little separation anxiety in the middle of the night."

"Was it bad?" Austin asked, wrinkling her nose at the thought of her daughter in discomfort.

"She cried a good while, but then we laid down on the couch and listened to AC/DC until she conked back out."

"Thanks for taking her all night. I was going to send Danny home, but I really needed him here last night."

"It wasn't a problem. Gave me an excuse to snuggle with her for a while. She doesn't let me do that very much anymore."

"She's never let anyone else do it at all, so you should feel special."

"I guess I do a little. We can take her again tonight if you want."

"Nah, Danny needs to go home and sleep in a real bed."

"You'll be okay here by yourself?"

"Yeah. Both grandmas are coming by later and Stella said she would swing by after her shift late tonight."

"You'll call me if the hospital heebie jeebies render you incapable of sleeping?"

"Yes, thank you."

"You guys need anything else?"

"I don't think so. I actually took a cue from you and planned ahead a little."

"Wow."

"I know. Danny was dumbfounded as well."

They talked for a while longer before Austin started to look like she needed some sleep.

"We'd better go," Lindsay said handing Sarah to Danny. "Colton can you give Isa hugs and say bye?"

"No bye!"

"Yeah buddy, we gotta go."

"Isa?"

"She's going to stay here."

"No!" he whined, cowering behind the door.

"Yes," Lindsay said sternly.

"No."

"Colton, you heard mama. Let's go."

He stared them both down for a moment, then jutted out his lower lip, looking at Isa and holding his hand out to her.

"Please?" he asked in the most pitiful voice he could muster.

"Maybe you guys can play tomorrow," Adam said, his voice light again. Colton grimaced and Isa mirrored his expression.

"Okay you two, very cute, but we gotta go. Say bye."

They took small steps and threw their arms around each other, chubby cheeks pressed together.

"I go bye," Colton said. Isa sighed and stuck her thumb in her mouth, her eyes big and wet with tears as Adam scooped his son off the ground. They said their goodbyes and both kids began to bawl, reaching for each other as they were separated. Colton kept up his antics even after they were in the elevator, and Lindsay reached up and gently put her hand over his mouth.

"I know you're sad and tired honey, but you need to settle down a little."

He hiccupped and sniffled, burying his face in Adam's shoulder while Lindsay's phone chirped.

"Austin says that Isa is standing by the door with her head on the wall crying," she reported, reading the text message.

"Ah family," Adam chuckled. "Nothing like it."


	86. Chapter 86

"But I mean, what's even IN New Orleans?" Lindsay asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "It's like beads and bourbon and paddywagons and hurricanes and mosquitos."

"So you think I'm only going to live there at Mardi Gras?" Stella chuckled, opening her desk drawer.

"Well then what else does New Orleans have?"

"A lab that needs me. Room to breathe. A change of pace."

"Yeah, yeah I know all that. But why there? Why not Philly or somewhere closer?"

"I just need it, Linds. I can't really explain it. Just to go somewhere that hasn't made up my whole life. Somewhere new. Find out who I am. Stand on my own feet and not lean on the city for a while. Jump out of the comfort zone."

"I guess I get that. I just wish you weren't going."

"Well you tell Adam to get to work on that human transportation beam and then it will be like I never left."

"But I am going to be the only girl in the whole lab."

"Jess and Austin will be around."

"Yeah, but it's not the same."

"I know. It's how I felt when Aiden left. But we got you in exchange, so you never know what you're going to get in my place."

"I hope it's not another boy."

"I'll let Mac know."

"Are you going to start rooting for the Saints?"

"After you guys have indoctrinated me with the Colts? Never."

"And you don't even like football. We done good."

"Apparently not on grammar."

Lindsay shrugged and ran her hand over the picture on Stella's desk, smiling at the memory. It had been a late night a few years ago, when the whole team had managed to sneak away for a dinner together. They were young and happy and unified. They always would be, but seeing it like that really made the distance seem much, much further.

"I'm happy for you Stell. I can see that you're excited and everything. But I just…"

"I know."

"I guess this just means we're going to have to do a girls weekend in the Big Easy, like we're freshman in college."

"We put enough make up on and we could pass."

"I wonder how many numbers we can get."

"Enough to drive the boys crazy."

"Aiming high there, Bonasera?"

"Have you ever known me not to?"

"Very true. Can I ask… how do you fit that much crap in your desk?"

"Careful organization. I do seem to have a lot of buttons."

"Why?"

"I have no idea."

"You could start a collection. It's a freaking cornucopia!"

"I should do something with them."

"Like?"

"I dunno, you're the crafty one."

"Search me," she said with a shrug, looking around the office and seeing again how bare it was without Stella's things all over it. "So um. You're leaving tomorrow to find a place and then you'll be back for a little while to pack up?"

"I'm already packed. I'll be back to finish the last of the paperwork on my place and get one last slice of Rays, then it's off into the sunset to get a mint julep."

"So tonight's basically it then?"

"Basically."

"This sucks."

"I know kiddo. Hey, I'm going over to Austin and Danny's for dinner, but I can drop by your place when I'm done. I'll bring ice-cream."

"Okay. Is this the last of everything?"

"Yep."

"This is sad. It's happy too but… you were the first person that made me feel like I belonged here."

"I was?"

"Yeah. Everyone else cut me slack. Slack I didn't need, but slack all the same. But you made me work for it. You treated me like I was just like everyone else. You made me prove what I said. Sometimes I hated it, but it was really what I needed."

"You're thanking me for being mean?"

"You weren't mean."

"Lindsay."

"Okay, maybe once or twice you might have come across as a little grumpy."

"That's better."

"I am going to miss you though. It's like this is our family and you're leaving us."

"Lindsay don't you dare make me cry."

"Sorry. Hey, is Mac going to be okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you're his best friend. You're the one that always burns the midnight oil with him and makes sure he eats and all that. Is he going to be okay without you?"

"He'll be fine."

"Okay."

"I should go," Stella said, taking one last look around the office and adjusting the box on her hip. "Hey, you and Danny could move into this office you know. More room for shooting spitballs at each other."

"You know about that?"

"He was practicing once and hit me."

"He's not supposed to practice! Dude is in big trouble."

"You two..."

"We know."

"Alright, I'll see you later tonight."

"It's a plan."

Stella gave one last look around the lab, then headed for the elevator while Lindsay pulled her cell phone out and called Austin.

"I need the hatrack back," she whispered conspiratorially.

"The fish flies at night."

"She's on her way."

"We're debating on whether or not we should jump out and scare her."

"Yeah, make everyone hide in the bathroom or something, wait until she's been there five minutes."

"That would be great. When are you getting here?"

"I'm giving her a ten minute head start. Need me to pick anything up on the way?"

"Some more ice because apparently when I write ice five times on the list Danny thinks I was just trying to be funny."

"Okay, I'll get ice. Anything else?"

"Nah, I think we're good."

"See you in a little while."

She hung up the phone and grabbed her jean jacket, looking forward to a night with everyone together, but dreading the finality of it at the same time.

* * *

"Stella please tell me you're not just feeding him the marshmallows," Lindsay said, watching as Colton happily ate off of Stella's plate.

"He likes them," she said. "They have Jell-o on them so it's not all bad. Though how Jell-o salad ended up at a fancy dinner…"

"It's all I know how to make!" Mac defended. "Besides, who had two servings already?"

"He was eating the marshmallows."

Mac smirked and shook his head, then reached over to steal some garlic bread off of Stella's plate.

"Thief," she said, elbowing him. He grinned back at her then offered her a piece of asparagus.

"Mac Taylor, you're a doof."

"If Mac is a doof then there's no hope for the rest of us," Hawkes noted.

"Hear, hear," Austin chuckled, raising her glass. They all toasted the observation with laughter.

The teasing and jokes continued as they ate, passing food and plates, laughing loudly and feeling like a lighthearted episode of _The Waltons_.

"Stella I don't know what we're going to without you," Austin said finally. "No one else will do the Macarena for a chocolate chip cookie."

"Hey!" Stella shouted as everyone else erupted into laughter. "You swore you wouldn't ever tell anyone about that."

"Nah, Linds swore. If you remember I stealthily stayed out of that end of the conversation."

"And she promised not to tell anyone about the slutty Sandy impressions while I made sure I was in the other room at the time."

"You just got owned, Stell," Flack said with a chuckle.

"Maybe a little, but I've got stories on all of you so watch it."

"Crap, she's right!"

"Now Stella, that was really immature of us. I mean, we never should have told stories on you. Ever. It was not an adult thing to do. You wouldn't really want to stoop down to our level would you?" Lindsay asked hopefully. Stella quirked one eyebrow in reply.

"We're screwed," Austin said with a nod. "The end."

Stella giggled and shook her head.

"I think I'm going to have to make a lot of trips back here because I'm going to miss the insanity."

"You might be able to hear it all the way down there," Danny said over Isa's scream as she reached for Lindsay's glass of soda that was just out of her reach.

"Well all have to converge on you one day," Flack said with a nod. "Loudly."

"Looking forward to that."

"Well bring noise makers," Mac added.

"You mean you'll bring the kids."

"Exactly."

"You're going to be so bored down there," Austin said, a slight whine in her voice. "You'll be back within the year."

"You want to put some money on that Messer?"

"Twenty bucks."

They reached across the table and shook on it while Danny rolled his eyes.

"She'll be out the twenty bucks and I'm going to have to hear about it."

"You could earn it back right now with a game of pool," Stella remarked.

"You're on," he said seriously.

"This is gonna be a good show," Hawkes said as everyone stood up and followed them into the other room. Austin and Lindsay were left sitting at the table, surveying the dirty plates and empty serving dishes.

"Well…"

"Hmm…"

They looked at each other and grinned, then stood up and took everything over to the sink.

"So I've been meaning to ask," Austin started, spraying down a dish and putting it in the washer. "Are you and Adam okay now?"

"We're good. Just a minor freak out."

"I wouldn't call that minor Linds."

"Maybe not minor but I did a lot of getting mad and yelling when I didn't really need to. I did what I said I would never do and I thought about how I felt before I even gave a second to what he was dealing with."

"Maybe in marriage sometimes you have to make mistakes like that."

"Probably. But it's better now. We're going to try and get out of town for our anniversary. Just us."

"That will be good for you. What are you going to do with Colton?"

"I don't know. We just decided this morning, so we haven't hashed out details yet."

"You can always leave him with us."

"I can't do that to you. Two toddlers and a newborn?"

"Sarah is about the easiest baby ever and Colton and Isa entertain themselves. Really, it's not a big deal."

"We'll see. We're not even sure where we're going or when."

"Keep me posted."

"I will."

"I think we should leave these dishes for Danny and go join the fun because they're having it without us."

"Great plan."

They went into the other room and found Danny miserably losing the game of pool, grimacing as Stella set up her last shot.

"Eight ball, corner pocket."

"Her name is Penelope," he said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Excuse me? You name your pockets?"

"It's less confusing that way."

"Yeah, that one over there is Lola," Flack said, gesturing. "That one's Brandi. Vivica. Bathsheba. Candy."

"You guys look through a hooker directory for those names?" Jess asked, swiping Flack's drink from him.

"Just Flack's little black book," Danny muttered. "You gonna take the shot or not Stell?"

"My head is kind of spinning," she said with a chuckle. "Alright, eight ball, Penelope."

She set up the shot and was just about to take it when Danny let out a high pitched shriek, causing her to miss entirely.

"Danny!"

"What? Twenty bucks is a whole thing of diapers. And we go through a lot in this place."

"Do over."

"No way."

"I call a do over! And I got witnesses."

"Fine."

"Someone shut him up before I ram this ball in his mouth."

Austin and Lindsay snorted with laughter, ashamed that they both had such a juvenile thought, but proud that both their minds went there at the same time.

"Alright," Danny said as Stella sunk the ball. "I'll give you ten now and ten when you come home for Christmas."

"Deal."

"Alright, I called next game," Flack said, racking up the balls again. "Let's go Stell."

"Bring it."

"You think you can handle this?"

"You think I can't?"

"She talks big, but I'm going to make her cry like a little girl."

"Well who better than the guy who has a ton of experience cryin' like a little girl?"

"Austin, shut up."

"Mac, while I'm gone, you make sure none of this changes, okay?"

"Done."

No one missed the smile they shared, the smile that said she'd be back someday. Maybe not forever, but she'd be back. This wasn't the last time they would all be together.


	87. Chapter 87

"So I have something to confess to you," Lindsay said, turning the radio down and glancing over at Adam.

"What's that?"

"I'm pretty sure I read the directions wrong."

"Meaning?"

"I told you left when I should have told you right."

"Hmm."

"So basically we should turn around but I'm looking at the signs and the traffic and I'm thinking that might not be so easy."

"Okay," he said, continuing to drive. "We'll find another way. Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"How come it took you this long to tell me you gave me bad directions?"

"Maybe I kind of thought it might be a little fun to get lost."

He grinned and reached over for her hand. It didn't matter to him if they really got lost and spent the whole weekend trying to find the hotel. They were both just glad to be able to be alone together, like it had been when they were first married. It wasn't that they didn't love Colton or that they didn't want him with them, but they realized the importance of having their own time together. Even sleeping in had become a rarity. In the early days they slept in at least one day a week, not getting out of bed until nearly lunchtime, preferring to spend the time curled up together in a place where no one and nothing took precedence over their bond. Now life was faster and there was less time for that kind of thing. They both missed it a lot, and he was hoping this weekend would help.

"Hey sweetie?"

"Yeah?"

Their eyes met and they smiled together, before turning their gazes back to the road. They drove for a long time, way past the estimated MapQuest time for their destination, but they were having too much fun laughing at every wrong turn and one way street to care how late it was getting. It wasn't a grand adventure but it was theirs together and that made it wonderful.

She finally pulled the directions out again when it got dark, turning on the overhead light to try and figure out where they were.

"You know what honey?"

"Hmm?"

"We've been in a five block radius of the hotel for the last hour."

"Only us," he laughed, shaking his head. "Where do I go?"

She gave him better directions this time and they were soon at the hotel, both tired from the drive and the early shifts they had both put in before leaving. They made it up to their room and dumped their suitcase by the door, looking at the king sized bed and grinning.

"Shall we?" he asked, holding out his hand. She nodded and they raced for the bed, climbing on it and jumping up and down like they were three years old.

"Our mothers would disapprove of this," she giggled.

"They'd disapprove of what I'm about to do as well," he answered, grabbing her around the waist and making them both tumble onto the mattress. Her bubbling laughter was swallowed with a kiss and she melted back into the pillows loving how he could make her so happy with simple actions like this. He pulled away after a moment, looking down at her with a smile.

"Thanks for coming with me."

"Well this wouldn't be as much fun on your own, now would it?"

"Nope."

She gave him a grin and rolled off the bed.

"Where are you going?"

"Checkin' out the bathroom. Haven't you ever stayed in a hotel before?"

He just laughed while she disappeared around the corner.

"Hey babe, come check this out."

He followed her voice into the bathroom, chuckling when he found her fully clothed in the empty tub.

"Jacuzzi bath," she said with a grin. "And they have a towel warmer. I think I am going to spend the weekend right here."

"There room for two?"

She nodded and he climbed in too, sitting across from her and leaning back to prop his feet up on the side of the porcelain.

"This is the life."

"I wonder if we could get someone to come up here and fan us with palm fronds and feed us grapes."

"Linds… sometimes I don't even know."

She grinned and moved into his arms, leaning up to kiss him while her fingers played with the hem of his shirt.

"I love you, Adam."

Her voice had turned completely serious and he touched his forehead to hers, brushing his fingers over her cheek.

"I love you too."

They stayed that way for a while before she sat up and climbed out of the tub, holding her hand out to him. He gave her a crooked grin and got up, taking her hand and following her back into the other room.

* * *

Morning had broken gently, a warm orange light settling over the world, filtering through the leaves on the tree outside and into their room. It was quite possibly the most beautiful morning on record, the kind that leaves one with a certain levity all day long, making a bad day virtually impossible.

Neither one of them noticed it.

They were too wrapped up in each other, had been since the moment their eyes opened. It was often like that with them; nothing else was quite as important as the whispers and touches and everything else that came with time together. Rather than the light of the sun, he saw the light in her eyes. Rather than the chirping of birds he heard her soft giggles and his name on her lips. Rather than the crispness of dawn he felt the warmth of her body against his.

She rested her head on his shoulder and ran her hand slowly up and down his chest while his fingers drew nonsensical patterns on her side. Their breathing had slowed almost to the rhythm of sleep and he moved a little bit just to keep her awake. She almost purred as he rolled onto his side to face her, pulling her more tightly against him. His fingers wound through her hair and rested on the back of her head, gently pushing her to look at him. There were unshed tears in her eyes and he leaned a little closer, wondering what had happened in the last few silent minutes that would garner such a reaction from her.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, his thumb drawing across her cheek to wipe away the one tear that had broken free.

"Nothing."

"You have tears."

"I know. I guess… sometimes I see how lucky I got. And I just can't really believe it."

"Me too."

"I always think back for some reason, to the bad stuff, the fights and everything, and I feel awful for things I've said and done. And I know you forgive me but I still have this irrational fear that one day I'll go too far."

"You won't. I love you enough that there is so such thing as too far. I won't let you go. Never."

"I hate the memories."

"Me too. That's why we make new ones."

"Like this?"

"Exactly like this."

"I love how we plan all this stuff to do, then end up spending the whole weekend in bed.

"Not the whole weekend. Just the majority of Saturday morning. We haven't done this in a long time."

"I know. It's kinda nice."

"Kinda?"

"Well, I didn't want to sound…"

"Ha. Ha."

"Don't make that face at me."

"Gee, why not?"

"You're big trouble."

"You don't mind."

"That's the problem."

"Also what I was counting on."

She giggled as his arms came completely around her and kissing took over for their words.

* * *

"We really should get out of bed at some point," Lindsay commented, stealing the remote from Adam and switching the channel from Cartoon Network to TVLand.

"Why?"

"Because when Austin teases me and says we spent the whole time in bed, I don't want her to be right."

"She'll say that?"

"She already says that."

"What in the world do you two talk about?"

"Everything. Nothing."

He stole the remote back and shot her a look as she threw the covers back and got out of bed, his Arizona Cardinals hoodie hanging almost to her knees.

"I'm going to shower."

"Can I come?"

She grinned and leaned over the bed, her nose brushing over his while she smiled.

"No."

"No?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Because it's one of the last things I can say no to you about."

"Fair enough."

She smiled and righted herself then headed into the bathroom while he continued to watch TV. After a minute a dark bra came flying out the bathroom door and hit him in the face.

"Linds!"

He could hear her giggle and the shower turn on, and he shook his head, tossing the bra down to the floor before he stood up and straightened the bed, opened the lace curtains a little and chuckled at their exploded suitcase. It sat on the suitcase stand while every piece of clothing that they had brought lay in a heap next to it. He picked everything up and put it back, then moved over to the counter where a small coffee maker stood. He could make espresso with the best of them, but when it came to drip coffee, it was better to leave it to someone else. Anyone else, actually. But this coffee maker had premeasured packets so he figured it couldn't be too bad, and pretty soon a whole pot was percolating. It smelled okay and he smiled, pleased with himself as he went back across the room, finding his cell phone to check the time. It wasn't nearly as late as he thought it was and he was sure she was going to talk him in to taking her out for brunch. She was a breakfast glutton and very unashamed of that fact.

He heard the shower turn off, so he went back to the suitcase, finding himself something to wear. She'd want to be out the door as soon as she was ready, so he needed to make sure he could catch up to her.

"You want to take me out for breakfast?" she asked coyly as the bathroom door swung open.

"I knew you were going to ask that. And yes."

She grinned and continued to towel her hair dry, then walked over to the window.

"Remember that place we saw last night? The café in the pink brick building?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know where it was?"

"I think I can get us there. We could walk."

She nodded and smiled.

"I'll be ready in fifteen minutes."

* * *

They walked leisurely, their joined hands swinging between them as they took in the sights of this small town. They pointed out small shops along the street, taking mental notes of places to stop in at after they ate. It was the perfect day for a long walk, cool with a breeze but still sunny enough that one could almost believe it was summer.

They reached the café a little later than anticipated, but neither of them noticed as they were taken to a booth and the smell of fresh pancakes filled the air. They ordered quickly, knowing what they wanted without a menu. She grinned as they held hands across the table, reminded of one morning so many years ago, when he had dropped by unannounced and taken her out to breakfast just because he woke up thinking about her. It made her swoon then and it made her swoon now just remembering it. Even then, when they were friends who had barely begun dating, when they didn't talk about the future for fear of jinxing it, when every move was a little hesitant, even then he had loved her. Maybe it wasn't as developed then, and certainly hadn't been tried by fire, but he loved her to the best of his ability.

"I should probably thank you for your salacious comment on the bathroom mirror this morning."

She grinned and wiggled her eyebrows at him while he chuckled and shook his head.

"I had to erase it for fear that the hotel would charge our credit card for such impropriety."

"I like to leave my mark, what can I say?"

"Ah Linds, I wouldn't trade you for nothin'."

"That's a double negative."

"It would be doubly negative if I ever traded you for anything."

"I see your grammatical logic and am amused by it."

"My job is done."

She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze.

"You know what I think?"

"What?"

"Anniversary tradition."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely. A different place every year?"

"Yes. And in seven years…"

"Cruise number two," she said with a grin.

"Except this time we'll be more aware of where the elderly people like to go when they're wearing nothing but a speedo."

"Those are not exactly the memories I like to keep from our honeymoon."

"There were much better ones. Like the midnight buffets."

"Definitely."

* * *

"So what do you want to know?" Adam asked as their feet crunched slowly through the leaves in the park.

"What?"

"You kept saying that there was a lot you don't know about me."

"I guess maybe not a lot… You know all my secrets. Big ones and little ones. I just feel like it's a little unbalanced."

"I don't have secrets Linds."

"You have things you don't talk about. I don't mean your dad. Just… who were you before we met? Who did you date? Why did you chose New York out of everywhere else?"

"That stuff matters to you?"

"Well… yeah. I mean, how would you feel if I never told you anything?"

"It's not like I never tell you anything."

"I know that. It's not like you're keeping anything from me it's just that you don't talk about stuff. And maybe that's okay, but I-"

"Linds, if you want to know things I have no problem telling you."

She nodded and they kept walking for a while before she finally found words.

"Were you ever in love before me?"

"Way to jump in there baby."

"Well… were you?"

"If you mean did I ever love anyone the way I love you, then no. If you mean did I at the time think I was in love, yes. But only once."

"With Carrie?"

"No."

She took a deep breath, wishing he had said yes because then she would know what she was up against.

"Well who was it?"

"Heather."

"You never said anything about her."

"It wasn't a good break up."

"Why not?"

"Is any break up ever a good one?"

"I guess not."

"I met Heather the first year of college. We dated really seriously for about a year, talked about getting married after college. She met the family, all that kind of stuff. But after a while we kind of drifted apart. We didn't have classes together, didn't have time for each other between school and work. We tried for a while, but we ended up fighting all the time and that's pretty much how it ended."

"Was the break up hard because you loved her?"

"Yeah. She was the first real relationship I ever had. Carrie… she'd been in my life for a long time. In high school when we dated it wasn't really serious. We went out maybe three times, I think I kissed her goodnight once. And then Heather came along and it was serious and it was fast."

"So she was um… your first…"

"Yeah. I really did think I was in love with her. But it never would have worked out. There wasn't enough substance. I never even looked her in the eye. We couldn't even manage to make a dating relationship work while we had little to no responsibility. We never would have made it out in the world."

She nodded and stared at her shoes, knowing now how he had felt when she eeked out the story of Brian before. It wasn't fun to picture him with someone else, no matter how over the relationship was.

"So who did you date after that?"

"Carrie kind of long distance. She was always kind of a fall back option. So really I guess after Heather, it was Nicole."

"And she was…?"

"Normal at first. Clinically insane later."

"What?"

"It started out normal. She was fun and smart and we had a lot in common. But she loved attention and she always had to be the loudest when we were in social situations. If there was a conversation going on that she wasn't a part of, she would butt in and change the subject. She was just really insecure and immature and I didn't see it at first, but once I did… I broke it off pretty fast. She moved on, or so it seemed. She would have some crush on someone and then they wouldn't be interested, so she would start talking to me again, because I was like her safe choice. She'd get really mad if I told her I was busy or something. I'd go months without seeing or talking to her and then all of the sudden she was there again, at parties or study groups I was in, calling me, e-mailing, showing up at work. And then she would have a crush on someone else and she'd disappear again. Psycho. That's what mom calls her."

"Wow."

"Yeah. After her I kind of swore off dating for a while. Concentrated on school, got a job. Then Carrie and I… well you know the rest of the story. And so here I am. With you."

"Would you change any of it?"

"Not the outcome. I kind of wish I'd never dated at all until I met you. I guess it's for a reason though."

"Yeah, I guess."

He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head gently.

"I love you, Lindsay. Only, ever you."

"I love you too. Only ever."

* * *

"Most couples on a weekend away would play strip poker. And yet here we sit playing fully clothed Go Fish."

"Well honey that's because if we played strip poker you would be naked really fast and that's not very fair."

"So you're saying you're a better liar than I am?"

"We're not playing BS," she clarified. "Poker isn't about lying it's about making people believe you're lying."

"Only if you get dealt good cards. Then you are lying."

"Fundamentally. But if you play your cards right and know a mind game or two, poker is pretty easy."

"You mean if your older brothers taught you how to play and then had you play all their friends and kept all your winnings."

"Exactly."

"I hear a country song somewhere in that story."

"I'll write one later. You got any Queens?"

He chuckled and handed her a card and she slid it into her hand.

"Twos?"

"Go Fish."

"Well it may not be a two, but I see a very bright future for me and the end of this game."

"Crap. Unless you've got an Ace floating around in there…"

She wrinkled her nose and handed him three cards and he pumped his fist in victory.

"You know, we could just forget the game," she said in her most sultry voice.

"You think you can use your feminine wiles on me? Distract me from what might be the biggest Go Fish victory of my life?"

"It's worked before," she said with a shrug.

"Move back over there woman."

She giggled and moved back to where she had been before, sitting against the pillows with her feet in his lap.

"Let's see, how about a seven?"

She gave him a disapproving look and handed him the card.

"You're cleanin' me out."

"Fives?"

"This is not funny anymore."

"Tens?"

"Go. Fish."

"How mad would you be if I told you I got a ten?"

"Did you?"

"How mad would you be?"

"I would be amused at least."

"Well it's not a ten."

"Why are you so weird?"

"Keep you entertained."

"Sacrificial lamb. Threes?"

"Sorry dudette."

She drew from the pile and they continued the game until he won by two books of cards. She giggled at his little victory dance, then gathered up the cards and shuffled them a few times.

"So now what? Speed? Egyptian Rat Screw? Slap Jack?"

"Nope. Come here."

He stood up from the bed and held his hand out for her and she took it, letting him pull her into his arms.

"Dance with me."

She smiled as they found a good rhythm, moving together to the music that came from his docked iPod. Nowhere in the world did she feel as whole and content as when she was wrapped in his arms, his heartbeat thrumming in her ear. He loved her wholly and completely and at the same time he could be tough on her, making her face fears and do hard things because it made her better. He didn't back down when it came to that and she doubted she would ever have found a man that was capable of loving her that much.

"Hey Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you for saying yes. That first time when you had no reason to, thank you for giving me that trust and jumping in with me."

She pulled away and looked up into his eyes, a smile cracking across her face.

"Thank you for being the person that never makes me regret it."

"Never? Not even when I leave my clothes on the floor and forget to put the milk back and let the garbage spill onto the floor and snore really loud and use all the hot water-"

"Never. Not once, not ever."

"Really?"

"I used to never want to get married, Adam. I'd look at my friends who had these perfect husbands and I believed in that perfection and then they would tell me these things that their husbands did that I knew I couldn't ever live with. I didn't want to be stuck with someone like that. And then you came along and you are really truly that good. It's not like you don't have flaws, but none of them mean you love me any less. I guess maybe I stopped believing in love like that, but you showed me it could be real and I could have it and I deserved it."

"You do deserve it. You deserve every wonderful thing the world has to offer."

"I have it already. You gave it to me."

"You give it to me right back."

She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair then pulled him down to kiss him. They could say these words to each other every day and it still wouldn't be enough. She loved him so much that it hurt, she could feel it in her chest every time she looked at him. She couldn't wait for the next three years, the next thirty years, the rest of their lives because she knew that it wasn't going to fade. It was going to be this much and this intense forever.

* * *

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to go home yet," Lindsay sighed as Adam guided the car down familiar streets.

"Really?"

"Well… sorta not. I liked not having to do anything or be anywhere, but I did miss Colton. A lot."

"It's the longest we've both been away from him at once."

"It was good for us, but we definitely can't leave him every weekend."

"Nope. We're going to have to do a family vacation eventually. Six Flags or something."

"Are you kidding? Lego Land!"

"Babe, you are so awesome."

She giggled and put her feet against the dashboard, tapping her boot clad toes to the new country song that filtered out of the radio. The chorus started and they both belted it out together, smiling at how well it fit them.

_There you go making my heart beat again__  
__Heart beat again, heart beat again__  
__There you go making me feel like a kid__  
__Won't you do it and do it one time__  
__There you go pulling me right back in__  
__Right back in, right back in__  
__And I know I'm never letting this go__  
__I'm stuck on you__  
__Whoa-oh, whoa-oh__  
__Stuck like glue__  
__You and me baby__  
__We're stuck like glue__  
__Whoa-oh, whoa-oh__  
__Stuck like glue_  
_You and me baby__  
__We're stuck like glue_

She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze as he stopped the car outside Danny and Austin's apartment.

"So next year, Charleston?"

"It's a date."

He smiled and tugged her across the car and into his arms, kissing her as deeply as he could manage in such a position.

"I love you baby."

"I love you too."

"Let's go get our kid."

They got out of the car and went upstairs, knocking on the door mostly because it was late and they didn't know if the kids were in bed or not. Danny opened the door and let them in.

"How was your trip?"

"It was good. How was the extra kid?"

"Not a problem. Isa's usually runnin' from one toy to another and all over the place, but she actually sits down and plays with something for a while when he's here. 'Course then when we have a real battle at bedtime, but it doesn't last long."

"Is he asleep yet?"

"Nah. Austin just took them in to read a book. You can go back there."

Lindsay smiled and walked down the hall to Isa's bedroom, peeking her head around the corner to find Austin sitting on the floor with the kids in her lap. She cleared her throat and they all looked up at her, Colton shrieking and jumping up to run over to her.

"MAMA!" he squealed as she lifted him up and covered his cheeks with kisses.

"Hi buddy. I missed you."

He kept his arms tightly around her neck, giggling as he said her name over and over again.

"I guess you missed me too."

"He only asked for you about five hundred times."

"Did he cry?"

"Nah, he was pretty brave and easily distracted."

"Were you a good boy?"

He gave her a smile and patted her cheek, then kissed her sloppily.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, daddy's here. Thanks for taking him, Aust."

"It was fun. We can do it any time."

"Alright. Bye Isa."

"Buh-bye!"

Lindsay gathered up Colton's diaper bag that has all his clothes in it and made sure he had a secure hold on his sock monkey before she went out into the other room.

"Daddy, daddy, hi daddy!"

"Hi little man."

Colton lunged for him with a happy holler and Adam laughed and held him close.

"We missed you dude. Are you ready to go home?"

"Home go bye."

"Alright, let's get out of here."

They put his coat on him and said goodbye, then went down to the car, buckling him into his seat. He babbled loudly, telling them all about his weekend, glad to have them back. By the time they arrived home he was asleep, snoring gently and looking very content in his carseat.

"I don't want to put him in his own bed tonight," Lindsay confessed as she carefully pulled her son out of his seat.

"Missed him too much?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, he can sleep with us."

"Thank you."

They went upstairs and changed their clothes, made sure the cats had food, then crawled into bed, exhausted from the events of the last few days. They settled Colton in between them, then reached for each other sighing and closing their eyes. As much as they loved the time alone, they were happy to have the whole family back together.


	88. Chapter 88

A/N: I can't kill Jessica Angell. No power on earth can make me. WAY easier to send Stella to Nawlins.

* * *

She chewed on the pen cap thoughtfully, her feet propped up on the side of the desk. Late afternoon sunlight poured through the window and she sighed, checking off another box on the paperwork before she stuffed it into the manila folder and put it in the basket for the courier.

"Lindsay."

"Mac, about how many times a week do you lose all faith in humanity?" she asked, not turning around.

"Probably twice."

"Guess I'm normal then."

"You're basing normalcy off of me?"

"You're the most stable person I know," she said turning around and finding Mac standing in the office doorway with a woman she had never seen before.

"Lindsay, this is Jo Danville. She's going to be joining the team."

"Hi, it's nice to meet you," Lindsay said, standing up and offering her hand and a smile. She wasn't sure exactly how she felt about a new member of the team, but she knew Stella would want her to be nice, and she would have hated if everyone had treated her badly when she had first arrived.

"Nice to meet you too," Jo replied, a tinge of Southern accent in her voice. "I've heard about your demonstrations."

"My reputation proceeds me."

"Not always a bad thing," Mac chuckled. "Why are you still here?"

"It's a long story. Basically my shift overlapped with Adam's and he was just going to bring Colton here so we could swap parenting duties, but then there was an incident with a jar of molasses and the cat, so he's running a little late."

"A jar of molasses and the cat. Can I ask how many things your son has dumped on the cats now?"

"There was shampoo, some flour, applesauce, a cup of milk and now the molasses."

"All the same cat?"

"Fluffy isn't so Fluffy anymore. I don't know why she walks anywhere near him."

"Your son is turning out just like his father."

"Hey, I heard that," Adam said, coming into the office with Colton on his hip. "And if you're talking about our rugged good looks, then okay."

"Yeah hon, that's exactly it. Mac was commenting on your rugged good looks."

"Never know," he said with a shrug, setting Colton on the floor.

"Hi mama."

"Hey monster. Did you cause some destruction today?"

"Whoops."

"Did daddy leave a mess? Am I going to have a meltdown when we get home?"

"Uh-oh."

"Don't believe him Linds. I really did clean it up. As best I could. Really. I called my mom and your mom for tips but they both just laughed at me. Dude, I even went online and I couldn't find anything."

"I appreciate your efforts. Maybe we can just cut that chunk out of the carpet."

"The dent in the wall, the hole in the carpet, that burn mark in the linoleum from the ill-fated midnight macaroni; I don't think we're ever going to get our deposit back."

"I told you we can fill the dent in the wall with toothpaste."

"Oh that's right."

"You'll get used to this," Mac said to Jo, chuckling a little. She just nodded.

"Hey Linds, are you leavin'?" Danny asked, poking his head into the room.

"You just got here, of course I'm leavin'."

"Nice. Hey if you and Austin do that thing were you watch a movie together over the phone then you'll probably do that thing where you both order a pizza and whoever's pizza gets there last has to pay the other one five bucks, right?"

"Probably."

"Could you tell her to get anchovies on ours and save some for me?"

"Why you want to ruin a perfectly good slice of Rays with anchovies is beyond me, but I'll pass along the message anyway."

"Thanks, Rocky Mountain Oysters."

"No problem."

Jo was looking at them with raised eyebrows and an uncertain smirk.

"You really will get used to it, I swear," Mac assured.

"I think I'm going to have to," she muttered amusedly.

"Okay Colton, let's get out of here."

"Go play?"

"Sure, we can go play, or we can talk about the finer points of not terrorizing your pets."

"No mama, play," he said seriously as she picked him up.

"Alright. Say bye."

"Bye daddy."

"Later dude."

"Layler do," he repeated with a smile.

* * *

"By the way, did you see Flack's hair recently?" Lindsay asked licking the last little bit of ice-cream off of her spoon.

"Yeah and ew. I am duct taping him to a chair and fixing those hideous bangs soon. And by soon I mean tomorrow because I don't think I can stand it much longer," Austin replied on the other end of the phone.

"The gray's not bad."

"No, it's really not."

"Hmm."

"Kind of a Clooney thing he's got going on."

"How long do you think it would take us to convince him to wear a Batman suit?"

"It would be a long process Linds, but if we could get Jess on board, he'll be fighting the Joker by Wednesday."

"Today is Wednesday toots."

"A toddler and an infant. I'm surprised I remembered what Wednesday was called."

"You did mess up the year the other day."

"Just wait until you reproduce again. You'll lose your mind too and then I'll be the one cackling with evil… evillity or something."

"Huh?"

"Shut up."

"So you wanna know something really sad?"

"No."

"How about really pathetic?"

"Sure."

"I ate half that extra large pizza myself. And some ice-cream."

"Gross."

"I really want a spoonful of peanut butter."

"Mmm, peanut butter."

"I know right? It sounds good. Of course Adam apparently used all our peanut butter to make cookies and then didn't write it on the list."

"So eat a cookie."

"He burned them."

"Why do you let him in the kitchen?"

"Sometimes he wears an apron and it makes me laugh."

"You guys are so very, very strange."

"Austin, I haven't even begun to tell you the strange stuff."

"It gets worse?"

"I'm gonna shield you from it."

"Bless you Sister Mary Margaret."

"Ah-men."

There was a moment of silence and Lindsay yawned, looking down at Colton who was sleeping with his head in her lap. She smiled and tucked a stray curl behind his ear as he cuddled his sock monkey closer.

"So I met Stella's replacement today."

"Replacement?"

"Whatever you would call the person that is now doing her job."

"Ponyboy?"

"She's nice."

"Nice? That's it?"

"She's from the south maybe. Like more of the northern part of the south. One of the Carolina's or West Virginia or something."

"Great. More country music."

"And she's… I dunno. She's nice."

"I'll probably meet her tomorrow."

"Yeah. Adam and Danny are working with her tonight I think. We'll have to grill them for details."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You alright?"

"I'm fine."

"I know you miss Stella. That's okay."

"I don't miss people, Linds. Danny is the only person I've ever missed in my life. I mean I've missed you when you're out of town or the girls when I'm at work, or sometimes Andy, but I've never missed someone to the point where I actually get sad thinking about it."

"Just because you haven't done it before doesn't mean it's bad."

"I know."

"She's always been there for you, Aust. For years. It would be weird if you didn't miss her."

"If anyone else moves away, I swear, Danny's going to have to put me on Lithium or something."

"Well that's cheery."

"Promise me you guys won't take off to Cornfield Indiana or Flatland Kansas or Sunblock Florida."

"I am one hundred percent certain that we will never, ever move to any of those specific places."

"And no going back to Montana or Arizona or anything like that."

"I will do my best."

"I feel like I should call Stella. Just see how she's doing."

"Yeah, I haven't heard from her in a week or so."

"Think she's forgotten about us?"

"I think she's busy. I bet you catch her at work."

"I wonder if she's going to start sleeping in her office like Mac."

"Probably. We should send her some really good coffee or something."

"Yeah we should."

"I've gotta go put Colton to bed before he falls off the couch. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah. Are you working tomorrow?"

"I pulled graves."

"Gross. I'll see you in a couple days then I guess."

"Alright. Let me know if you need me to take the girls when you're in court next week."

"I will. Night Linds."

"Night."

She set the phone next to her on the couch and picked Colton up, taking him into his bedroom and cuddling him for a little while before putting him down. He grunted and rolled over onto his stomach and she covered him with his quilt. It was almost time to get him a real bed. He hadn't started climbing out of his crib yet, but she knew he could do it if he wanted to, and he was getting too big to sleep in a crib anyway. Just another bit of his babyness gone.

She sighed and went back out to the other room, cleaning up her mess and taking a few minutes to straighten the pillows on the couch and make the room more presentable. It always seemed to go to the dogs when they were working too much. Adam did his fair share of cleaning up and with the earlier mess she couldn't be upset that there were toys all over the floor.

The phone rang and she grabbed it, half expecting it to be Austin again, but getting Adam instead.

"Hey babe."

"Yo word up home skillet."

"Adam, what are you smoking?"

"Danny made the coffee tonight. Yowza."

"No wonder Austin's always bouncing off the walls. What's up?"

"Nothing, just sitting here watching the computer work. Thought I would call you."

"So you think of me when you're bored."

"I do."

"Thanks. How's work?"

"Not a lot going on."

"Is Jo working tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Is she um… is she going to fit in?"

"She already knocked Flack down a peg. She's going to fit in just fine."

"Wonderful. He needs to be knocked down a peg every once in a while."

"What are you up to?"

"Cleaning up. Wondering if it's too late to run the vacuum."

"Probably. You going to bed or are you going to wait up for me?"

"I think I'm going to go crash for a while, but wake me up when you get here."

"Alright. I'd better go. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"I can't tell you exactly what it is yet," Jo said as she ran the unidentified substance through the mass spec. "But I can tell you that it stinks."

"Well that's a good starting place," Lindsay agreed from her microscope. "Whatever I've got here is certainly interesting also. Doesn't stink but it looks cool. I have no idea what it is."

"First thoughts?"

"_Horton Hears a Who_."

"'Scuse me?"

"That was my first thought. You know, teeny tiny trace."

"Okay, I'm with you now. Maybe I should have asked for first impressions."

"It's pretty unremarkable. It's like I'm staring at nothing."

"Are you on the highest magnification?"

"Yeah. Maybe I'm looking too hard," she sighed, leaning back in her chair and rubbing her eyes. "I hate the graveyard shift."

"Probably doesn't help keeping up with the rugrat later in the day does it?"

"I get home just after he wakes up and then he's awake until sometime in the afternoon."

"So when do you sleep?"

"Between _Sid the Science Kid_ and _The Wiggles_."

"The joys of motherhood."

"That's what they say. Speaking of, I need some coffee. Want a cup?"

"Sure."

She stood up and went into the breakroom, taking a minute to glance out the window. It was dark and calm, but nowhere near quitting time and she yawned, rolling her neck until it popped. She poured two cups of coffee and took them back into the lab, setting them on the table by the door where they were allowed to keep drinks.

"Plain black okay?"

"Perfect. Does the mass spec normally take this long?"

"Only when you're in a hurry."

Jo chuckled and scooted her chair over to grab the warm mug of coffee.

"Is everyone around this place paired up with someone else from around this place?"

Lindsay snorted and almost spit out her coffee at the bluntness of the question.

"What?"

"I've been here two days and I already know that you and Adam are married, Danny's married to a cop, Flack's datin' another cop, and Pete in ballistics is in the midst of a divorce with Gloria from the morgue."

"Well when you say it like that."

"Is it like a New York crime lab curse?"

"I wouldn't call it a curse. If they all start ending in divorce, I'm hightailin' it outta here."

"And you guys all just met at the lab?"

"Danny and Austin grew up together. All the rest of us… just kind of found each other."

"What about Mac?"

"Mac… he is his own storyteller."

"He's a tough read."

"That he is. Just wait a while, you'll get the hang of it."

"I feel like I'm running in fast motion just to keep up."

"I know exactly how you feel."

"How do you keep up?"

"Face the fact that you're always going to be running."

"Encouraging. Thanks."

"We don't mince words around here."

"Good to know."

"You'll find your rhythm. It doesn't take long."

"How long did it take you?"

"I found my rhythm in about three weeks. Stopped being homesick a while after that."

"I definitely haven't been homesick yet. But Montana to New York is a much bigger change than DC to New York."

"I'll give you that," she said with a nod as they went back to work.

"Does it normally make this noise?" Jo asked over the rapid beeping of the machine.

"Not normally, it's just temperamental."

"How do I fix it?"

"Kick it. Right where that scuff mark is at."

"You've done this a time or two?" Jo asked, chucking and giving the machine a gentle kick.

"You gotta give it some gusto, Danville!" Lindsay answered, walking over and giving the machine a swift kick. "There's just somethin' loose in there."

"Ever thought of taking it apart to figure out what it is?"

"Nah. It's something in the heating system, so it doesn't mess with the test results at all. It's like the backup fan or something. I might think about fixin' it if I could ever find a screwdriver in this place."

"Lemme guess… you can fix a tractor so they think you can fix anything."

"That and I spent a lot of time fixing the machines in Montana. I am apparently a good trouble shooter."

"If duct tape can't fix it, it ain't broke?"

"You're going to fit in just fine here, Jo. Just fine."


	89. Chapter 89

A/N: Sorry for doing a Christmas chapter after Christmas. Blah. And when the heck did the mini-Ross get this old?

* * *

"Linds wake up, Santa came."

"Santa says you should let your wife sleep in."

"Santa wouldn't want me to be late for work later would he?"

"If you're naughty that's one less present he has to get you, right?"

"Yuletide logic at its finest," he said, while she rubbed her eyes and got out of bed.

"Is Colton up?"

"I tried to wake him up once, but he pulled a you and rolled over and went back to sleep."

"We like our sleep. So what?"

He grinned and pulled her into his arms, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

"Merry Christmas honey."

"Merry Christmas. Let's go see if we can pry the boy out of bed."

They went into the bedroom where Colton was laying under a pile of blankets, just waking up.

"Good morning buddy."

"Hi mama," he replied with a grin. "I two."

"I know you're two," she said, leaning down to pick him up. "You've been two for weeks."

"I two daddy," he said, holding two fingers out to Adam.

"You're very proud of that aren't you? Are you going to be three next year?"

"No, I two."

"His math skills leave a lot to be desired."

"He gets that from you," she said with a grin.

"Hey!"

Smiling, they made their way out to the front room where a small tree stood with a few presents under it. Colton grinned and squirmed down from Lindsay's arms, running over to the tree and touching all the branches he could reach.

"Hi tree!" he said before leaning down to examine the brightly wrapped boxes. "Mama, what is?"

"Those are Christmas presents. Do you want to open them?"

"No, daddy do."

He climbed up onto the couch with her and sat quietly while Adam brought him a present.

"What is?" he asked, shaking the box.

"Open it and see."

He carefully ripped into the paper and tossed it on the floor, remembering the routine from his birthday.

"Oh boy!" he shouted upon seeing the toy trains. "Play?"

"Do you want to open a few more? You might need some tracks for those to drive on."

"Tacks?"

"Tracks, bud. Here, open this one."

He tore into the second box, finding the tracks for his trains.

"I play?" he asked again, looking excitedly from one parent to the other. They grinned and nodded and he climbed off the couch, wrestling with the box to open it. Adam helped him and in a few minutes he was content with his trains, driving them over the tracks and making honking noises as he went.

"So we'll save the other presents for tonight?"

"Looks that way. You want to open yours?"

"You always spoil me," he said, reaching for the box with his name on it.

"You have to share this with me, okay?"

"Will I want to share?"

"It'll be better if you share."

With eyebrows raised he opened the package and gave her a high five when he saw what it was.

"Babe, how did you find this?"

"It's not like all your internet wizardry hasn't rubbed off on me," she said as he took out the original Nintendo console. His old one had finally bitten the dust and he had been in near mourning for weeks.

"You even got the games I don't have! Linds, you're the best."

"I try."

He smiled and handed her present up to her, almost giddy as she slowly unwrapped it. They had agreed on a small Christmas, just one present for each other, but he couldn't think of anything good enough, so he had made one huge gift out of all the little ones.

"Adam."

"Do you like it?"

"It's everything," she said with a grin as she pulled the items out of the box. It was a lot of little things that she had mentioned in passing that he had somehow remembered and went back to get later. The fuzzy slippers, the perfume, the new watch. There were other things thrown in too, and with every piece of tissue paper there was a new discovery.

"Thank you honey."

"You're welcome."

He climbed up onto the couch with her and wrapped her in his arms, tipping her chin up to kiss her.

"You know what I love?"

"What?"

"Simple Christmas like this. Not a big blow out, not expensive, not glitzy. Just us."

"Me too. It's perfect."

"How long before you have to go to work?" she asked, snuggling down against him.

"An hour."

"I don't want you to go."

"I know," he said, pressing a kiss to her hair.

"Want me to make breakfast?"

"No thanks."

"No? You gotta eat."

"I'll grab something on the way. I don't want you to get up."

"I don't want you eating fast food for Christmas breakfast."

"I won't."

"Can we go back to bed?" she yawned, turning her face into his chest.

"No."

"Can we go to bed early tonight then?"

"Yeah. You gonna take a nap?"

She nodded and he chuckled.

"It's what Christmas is for."

"I don't think you're right about that honey."

She shrugged as Colton tugged on her pajama pants.

"Mama?"

"What buddy?"

"I hungry."

"You want to go make breakfast?"

"Okay!"

He took off into the kitchen and within seconds they heard a loud clatter.

"Colton, mama was kidding!"

He came back into the room with a bowl, a wooden spoon and a grin.

"Make, mama."

"What should I make?"

"Cecil."

"Cereal? But you always spill the milk."

"No, I do not," he countered, his hands on his hips.

"Stop that, you look like your daddy."

He giggled while she reached out to tickle his stomach.

"Stop mama. Food."

"Alright, let's go."

They got off the couch and went into the kitchen, gathering what they needed for breakfast. Colton stayed underfoot, wanting to see what they were doing and whining about being hungry. Lindsay finally put him on the counter and gave him some cups to play with while they finished the cooking.

"Mama, milk?"

"How about some juice instead. We're almost out of milk."

"Juice?"

"Orange juice. You like it, remember?"

He gave her a skeptical look and she poured some into a glass for him.

"See, it's good."

"Okay."

He set the cup on the counter and smiled at the plate of French toast Adam put in front of him.

"Lots of syrup so you'll be all hyped up and mommy will have to give you a bath too."

"Thanks a lot babe," Lindsay muttered as he handed her a plate.

"Look at it this way. By the time you finally get him not smelling like a maple tree, I might be home."

"You're not funny," she said, even as she smiled.

"I know."

They ate at the counter, managing to keep Colton fairly clean until his hand smacked right into the puddle of syrup on Adam's plate.

"Well, I gotta go."

"Adam!"

"Sorry, work calls."

"You're gonna pay for this mister."

"Oh yeah? Bring it."

"I'm going to bring it and then you're going to beg me to take it away."

"We really need to work on your threatening talk darling."

"We'll do that when you get home."

He laughed and leaned in to kiss her.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Colton say bye to daddy."

"No, daddy no bye!"

"I gotta go dude. You be good for mama and we'll open some more presents later."

"Daddy!"

"I'm sorry son," Adam said, hugging him and avoiding the syrupy mess. "I'll be home later."

He kissed them each again, leaving quickly while Colton cried.

"Daddy," he said, wiping his messy hand across his cheek. "Daddy home and play."

"I know buddy. I wish he didn't have to work too, but he'll be home tonight and we'll all play then, okay?"

"Daddy," he sighed again, looking to the door.

"Do you want to go take a bath? Wash your sticky face?"

"No."

"Well that's too bad because I got bubbles."

"Bubbles?"

"Yeah."

"Okay mama."

* * *

The sun had set by the time Adam arrived home, and it seemed that everyone in their building was gone. He made his way slowly upstairs, shaking the snow off of his shoes as he waited for the elevator to go up to their floor. It had been a long day, slow and seeming to drag on forever. Working on Christmas had never been fun, but he hated it more now that he had a family at home.

When he opened the door he found said family laying on the couch asleep, wrapped in a blanket. He smiled and watched them for a while before kneeling down next to them and brushing Lindsay's hair off of her forehead.

"Hi honey," she whispered with a little smile.

"Hey. Thought you were joking about the nap."

"I never joke about a nap."

"Are you ready to be up?"

"Yeah. I think your son drooled on me."

"Probably. Let me take him."

He took Colton from her arms, making sure not to wake him up as he sat down on the end of the couch.

"How was work?" she yawned, her eyes watering.

"Fine. Mac said the invitation is still open if we want to go over there tonight."

"Maybe."

"Just maybe?"

"I'm tired. And we still have presents to finish."

"Well then let's do that and see where we stand when we're done."

"Can I confess something to you?"

"Sure."

"As much as I love everyone and as much as I would love to go over there tonight, I'm feeling a little selfish and I just want it to be us."

"Then let's stay right here."

She smiled and leaned against him, feeling that the stillness of the night made everything right in her world.


	90. Chapter 90

"We should get frequent flyer miles for how often we drive to the airport," Adam commented, navigating the car through the parking garage.

"That would be nice," Lindsay agreed absentmindedly as she looked out the window.

"We're only five minutes late, babe," he chuckled. "She probably hasn't even gotten off the plane yet."

"I know. I just don't want to leave her by herself."

"She's not eight years old anymore Linds."

"Shut up, she is too."

"Okay, you can tell Taylor that and I'll remind her that you're just a little crazy."

"This is why we make a good pair. Hey, there's a spot."

"Good eye. You want us to go in with you?"

"It's too cold for you to stay out here," she shrugged as he turned the car off.

"Colton, want to play in the arcade?"

"Okay daddy."

They got out of the car and went inside, Colton staring at all the people and new sights with breathless wonder. They never had much of a chance to get him out of their neighborhood and exploring the rest of the world. It was something they both wanted to change, but life was still moving too fast and it was hard to take a morning and go for a walk, much less find a zoo or aquarium or something else he would be interested in.

"Colton, look at that," Adam said, pointing to the luggage carousel.

"What is?"

"It's a carnival ride for suitcases!"

"Why?"

"Because it's not fair for only people to get to ride them."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and shook her head while Colton giggled.

"I don't know what to do with you, Adam."

"Yeah you do."

She grinned and took his hand, suddenly realizing how long it had been since they had held hands. It had to have been a few weeks at least. She smiled and slid her fingers between his, catching his eye out of the corner of hers. He gave her a little squeeze back and they continued walking as close to the concourse as they could get. It was less than a minute before they spotted Taylor and Lindsay rushed to give her a hug.

"I missed you so much!" Taylor gushed. "Seriously Linds, you have no idea."

"I might have a smidgen of one."

They giggled together and rejoined the boys.

"Hey kid," Adam greeted, giving her a side hug. "Any good stories about other passengers?"

"I met a taxidermist. He told me stuff. Some animals hibernate really hard."

"Excellent. What do you ladies say to dinner?"

"I don't know about her, but I say yes please," Lindsay said as Taylor grabbed her suitcase off of the carousel.

"What she said."

"So pizza?"

"Again?" Lindsay asked, her hand flying to her hip.

"Please Linds? I've been craving New York pizza since the last time I was here. Do you understand how long ago that was?"

"Kindly unwrap me from your finger dear child."

"No way."

"Fine. Pizza."

"Yes!" Taylor and Adam exclaimed in unison. Lindsay shook her head as they made their way outside. This might be a long week.

* * *

"Tater, see?" Colton said, handing her a plastic drum.

"Wow, what is it?"

"It go bam!" he shouted, banging on the plastic top. Taylor chuckled and Colton hit the toy again, creating an even bigger noise.

"Is that fun?"

"Nope!"

He walked over to his toy basket and leaned over it, searching inside for something else.

"Tater, see?" he repeated, pulling out a large red airplane and pulling the trigger button that rotated the wing propellers.

"What is that?"

"Flyplane."

"Where's it gonna fly?"

"Dere!"

He ran off into the other room, making zooming noises as he raced around the kitchen and behind the couch then crashed down onto the floor next to her.

"That's a crazy plane, Colt."

"Crazy plane," he agreed with a nod. "Tater, read boot?"

"You mean a book? Sure, which one do you want?"

He scrambled off her lap and found a book in the pile, handing it to her with a smile.

"Dat boot," he said, settling back into her lap and putting his finger in his mouth. Taylor smiled and began to read slowly, hoping he would actually go to bed on time. In the two days she had been in New York Colton had become her little shadow, following her everywhere and even standing outside the door when she went to the bathroom. She loved it though, felt like it made up for all of his life that she had missed.

"Tater?" Colton interrupted, turning to look at her. "Where mama?"

"Mama and daddy went out on a date."

"Oh."

"Are you ready for bed?"

"Nope. Talk," he said, pointing down at the brightly colored page and giving her a smile. She smiled back and continued with the story until he slumped against her sleepily. She held him for several minutes, brushing his hair back and studying every inch of his face, keeping it in her memory until she could see him again. After a while she had to get up and take him into his room. He woke up for a moment, but settled again once she placed his quilt over him.

"Goodnight little boy. I love you."

She tiptoed out of the room and closed the door, going back into the other room and flopping down on the couch with a yawn. It wasn't that late but she was just getting used to the time difference. She loved Montana and would probably never leave permanently, but New York was quickly becoming her favorite place away from home. She could have days off of work and days off of school, but it never really felt like a vacation unless she was here.

The front door swung open and Lindsay and Adam tumbled in with suppressed giggles.

"Are you guys drunk?"

"Nope," Lindsay said, straightening her hair. She glanced over at Adam and they dissolved into quiet laughter again while Taylor grinned and rolled her eyes.

"You guys are so juvenile."

"We know."

"Alright girls, I'm going to hit the sack so I can actually get out of bed and make some money in the morning. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

He went back into the bedroom and Lindsay plopped down on the couch, taking her coat off and tossing it onto the chair.

"Thanks for babysitting."

"It was fun. He talks a lot."

"Yeah, one day he just kind of exploded into the English language."

"He's growing up too fast."

"I know. So what's up with you, sister? We haven't had one of our talks since you've been here."

"Yeah, I know," Taylor sighed. Most of the time she could tell Lindsay anything. Never mattered what it was, she could say it easily. But every once in a while, she let herself worry about what Lindsay would say and what she would think and balked and kept things to herself. It wasn't like Lindsay judged her or wouldn't listen. She just hated to be a disappointment.

"What's going on?"

"I flunked out."

"What?"

"This whole semester, I flunked out. And now I can't go to London and I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Sweetheart, how did you flunk out? I mean, how bad is it? Just one class or-"

"Out of eighteen credits I only ended up receiving six. It wasn't just one course Linds. I completely screwed up. My scholarships are gone, my financial aid is gone, I'm not on the deans list, I'm not on track to graduate, they're not going to let me study in Europe, and if I want to take the classes over, I have to come up with a couple thousand dollars by the time I go back."

"But how did it happen? I mean, it's so not like you."

"I don't know, Linds. It was just a bad semester. It was the last half of the sophomore classes and they say that the sophomore year is the hardest. I was trying to plan that trip. Jacob and I… I don't even know. I don't know if everything got away from me or if I got lazy. But I was sitting there taking my finals and just staring at them because I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted to tell you so bad, but I didn't want to disappoint you."

"You don't disappoint me, Taylor. You never have, and no matter what you do, you never will. I may not like things that happen and I may someday disagree with how you handle something, but when it comes down to it, I am still always proud of you. Do you believe that?"

"Yeah. Sort of. I just don't want you to be mad at me. I wasted all that time and money and-"

"Honey look, it's okay. Things happen. You dealt with them the wrong way, but you dealt with them. We'll figure something out. It's a bump in the road, not the end of the world."

"You're not mad at me?" she asked, wiping her eyes.

"No. I'm mad that it turned out this way, but I know that for this to happen, it had to have been a big deal to you. It's not like you just got lazy. I'm not saying that it's not your fault, but I am saying that even if I was mad, there would be no point in that. I can't help you figure out your next move if I'm mad at you."

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Yes you do. You're going to take until the fall to work and save up money and hopefully by the time fall semester starts you'll have saved enough to start school again and get better grades and get your scholarships back. If you haven't, you'll just wait until spring and start then, and then you'll be in the same place you would have been had you not fast tracked high school."

"You make it sound easy."

"But it's not. It's going to be hard and frustrating and you're probably going to regret this a lot, but in the end you'll be back in school and that's really what you want in the first place. This is the only thing you can do. Unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Unless you don't want to do college anymore."

"No, I do. I need the degree to get me to where I want to go."

"Okay, then is that the plan?"

"Yeah."

"Feel better?"

"Not entirely, but a little."

"Good. Now tell me what's up with you and Jacob. I thought he was Prince Charming."

"He was. He is. I guess I'm the problem."

"How?"

"I can't love him. He's perfect and he loves me and he's so good to me and patient and he understands me and makes me laugh and I should love him like crazy but I just can't. I care about him, a lot, but I can't make myself love him. And I want to so bad. I really do. I just don't think I'm capable of love. Not like that."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not capable of trust either. Because I'm afraid he's going to leave me someday and if I trust him and love him, then that day comes and I get hurt. And I don't want to hurt anymore. I'm tired of it. I don't like being left alone and I don't like being unworthy of someone's time. So I broke up with him. And now we both hurt."

"Oh sis, c'mere."

"I'm so tired of it, Lindsay. I'm tired of being the grown up all the time. What I have to do always comes before what I want to do. I always have to think about the future and how I'll survive and I never get to just think about now. I've never just been a kid. Never except when I'm sitting here with you and you're the one taking care of me. And then I feel guilty because you have your own kid and I'm an adult and you shouldn't have to take care of me and then I hate my parents because they did this to me and I wonder why I got dropped into that joke of a family and I just don't want to do this anymore. I want to give up and just… I can't even think of what I would do if I just gave up because I'm still thinking about bills and money and careers and I can't let it all go."

Lindsay let her cry for a while, surprised that Taylor was actually letting go like this. She had seen her full out cry less than five times in ten years, and if anyone had a reason to, it was Taylor. But she always thought she had to be tough and brave and the solution to all her own problems.

"I want you to take a deep breath and look at me. It's not fair. It never has been. You should have got to be a kid. You should be having fun right now instead of stressing yourself out. You should have parents that love you unconditionally and you should have everything the world has to offer. But it's not fair. And as much as I want to give it to you and as much as I want to tell you it's going to be okay, I just don't know. You got the bad end of the deal, baby girl. Nothing will ever change that. I wish you could let it go too. Live an easier life. But you're not like that. You don't run away. But you can take a break. You take a break and I'll do your worrying for a while. Okay? You just let me know. No more keeping it to yourself."

"Okay."

"As for you not being able to love Jacob, there might be a reason for that."

"Like I have no heart?"

"No, like you knew he wasn't the one for you."

"But he was."

"It may have looked great on paper, but your heart was hesitant. You have to listen to that too. Look, as much as I loved Brian, I didn't really love him. Not the way I love Adam. Not even close. So far off it can't even be a farce. And you know what, sweetie, I never had a hesitation there. Because he's the right one. Caution is okay and you should listen to your instincts, but there will come a day when you do find the right one and you will love him. You are capable of that, Taylor. You are, you just have to find the right person to give that to."

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That you're wrong. That he really was the right one and I screwed it up because I'm selfish."

"I guess you're just going to have to wait and see then."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"And what am I supposed to do while I wait?"

"I don't know."

"Sometimes you give really solid answers and sometimes you so don't."

"Sorry kid."

"Linds?"

"Yeah?"

She hesitated for a second, opening her mouth and then closing it again, not sure she was ready for another deep conversation tonight.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"I love you too."


	91. Chapter 91

A/N: Oh man I hated this chapter when I started it. I could not get it to go where I wanted. In the end it doesn't have the details I saw, no old jeans and ponytailed hair, but the feel of it is way more than I had envisioned. That's better.

* * *

"Hey Linds, have you seen my coat?"

"Which coat?"

"That brown one."

"I put it by the door."

"Oh thanks. Are you guys ready?"

"Just about," Lindsay replied, coming out of Colton's room.

"No hat mama."

"But it looks cute on you."

"No," he said, shaking his head and pulling the hat off.

"Oh alright. But if your ears get cold, don't come crying to me."

"Okay mama. Tater come?"

"Yeah, Taylor's coming."

Colton clapped happily as Lindsay tried to wrestle him into his coat. They were headed to the park for the afternoon and at Taylor's insistence that they needed current family pictures.

"Mama, we play?"

"Yeah, and we'll play sooner when you put your coat on."

He smiled and let her zip the coat up, then reached his hand up to her.

"We go now."

"Yes sir."

He grinned as they left the apartment, happy to be venturing outside. He touched all the walls in the elevator and babbled excitedly when they finally made it outside.

"See mama?"

"What is it?"

"Tree! Snow!" he shouted, taking Adam's hand too and pulling them down the street.

"I think he's excited," Lindsay said, quickening her pace to keep up with the boys while Taylor giggled and followed them.

"Swing daddy!" he screeched at the park entrance, before breaking away from them and running across the snow to the swings. He fell down partway there, but got back up and ran again until he got to the swings. Adam wiped the snow out of the seat and put Colton in it, then gave him a little push.

"Mama see I?"

"I do see you. Do you think daddy will let you go up higher?"

"Up daddy!" he hollered, kicking his legs in glee. "More!"

Adam continued to push him higher until Lindsay's heart jumped into her throat. It was a safety swing and he wasn't going as high as it seemed, but she couldn't help worrying.

"Daddy! Dat!" he said, pointing to the slide. Adam slowed the swing and lifted him out of it. Colton raced over to the small slide, climbing up it carefully and then standing there at the top, trying to figure out how to navigate the snow.

"Mama?"

"Do you need help?"

"Help."

She walked over and brushed the snow off the slide and Colton sat down happily.

"Go!" he shouted before pushing off and zooming down the slide so fast he didn't have time to put his feet down at the bottom. He skidded across the snow, coming to a stop a few feet from the end of the slide, and sitting up dazedly. For a second they all worried that he was about to burst into tears, but instead he clapped and stood up, begging to do it again. He completed a few more runs, then jumped up and pointed at the big slide.

"Dat?"

"No bud, I don't think so," Adam chuckled, imagining them both biffing it from the very top of the slippery slide. "Let's try something else."

"What?"

"Do you want to get some snowballs to throw at mama?"

"Yeah!"

His enthusiasm was misplaced though, as Lindsay had been quietly making snowballs when no one was looking and took the opportunity to pelt Adam in the face.

"Hey!"

She giggled and lobbed another one at him, hitting him in the chest just as he had managed to make his own snowball. Colton was in near hysterics, laughing and jumping up and down as his parents pelted each other with snow. Lindsay was a lot better at it, packing and launching at least five before Adam could make even one. And usually when he threw it he missed completely. Lindsay finally declared victory, tackling him to the ground and smashing a snowball against the side of his face.

"Ah, that's cold!" he shrieked. She just laughed as he tossed her into the snow.

"Watch out, it's Jack Frost."

"Let go of my nose," she said, shaking her head a little.

"I will on one condition. Next time we battle, it has to be something we're more evenly matched at."

"Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots?"

"Exactly," he said, standing up.

"Help me up, gentleman?" she asked, waggling her fingers at him. He obliged and pulled her to her feet, pressing a quick kiss to her lips before they dusted the snow off of each other. Colton stood there nearly transfixed as he watched them, grinning as they so blatantly flirted. He was used to seeing them like this, it was just how mama and daddy were.

"Again, again!" he chanted, hugging their legs.

"No way, mama gave me a brain freeze."

"That's just because daddy's a temperature wimp."

"Hey, don't talk me down in front of the boy."

She grinned as Colton tugged on her hand.

"Mama, over dere."

"You can't want to play on the springy toy, those things suck."

"Doggie," he said, pointing at the metal animal attached to the spring.

"Alright, but you're going to hate it."

She walked over there with him, brushed the snow off and lifted him up. He was happy for a second, looking around and rocking gently.

"I done."

"Told you."

* * *

They were wet and tired and cold walking back home an hour later. Taylor had stood back and snapped pictures while they played, capturing split seconds in time of happiness and love that were cemented forever.

"What do you guys think about hot chocolate?" Adam asked, unlocking the door and letting Colton rush inside ahead of them.

"Sounds good," Taylor said with a nod.

"As long as you make it really hot," Lindsay agreed, hanging the coats by the door. "I'm freezing."

"Now who's the temperature wimp?"

"Shut up Adam."

Taylor giggled and sat down in the overstuffed chair pulling her legs underneath her. Colton patted her knee and smiled at her, his cheeks still red from the cold.

"Tater, help."

She smiled and unzipped his coat, then helped him out of his boots.

"Did you have fun today, Colt?"

"Uh-huh. In snow."

"Yeah, there was lots of snow, huh?"

"Brr."

She smiled and pushed a stray curl off his forehead, wishing she never had to leave.

"Colton, come get your jammies on."

"No!"

"Not for bedtime buddy, we just need to get your wet clothes off. Come here please."

He sighed and went into the other room. Taylor chuckled and looked through the pictures on her camera, wondering how many of them would actually look good full sized. It was more a hobby than anything; she would rather be an intrepid traveler, snapping pictures of current events as they happened, the moments that would go down in history, or at least the cover of Time Magazine. Maybe though, these moments were just as important.

"Adam, don't you dare."

Taylor looked up and into the kitchen, smirking as Adam advanced on Lindsay with a can of whipped cream. They were so childish sometimes it made her shake her head and wonder how they survived in the real world. Colton was sitting on the counter watching them with an expression that said he was thinking the same thing she was.

"Daddy, chocolate."

"You sound like your mama," Adam said, setting the whipped cream on the counter and picking up a small mug, filling it partway with tap water before pouring some hot chocolate into it. "There you go. Don't spill."

Colton took the mug, holding it the same way the grown ups did, taking a sip before draining the whole thing.

"All gone. Candy?" he asked, pointing at the marshmallows. Lindsay offered him one and he looked it over for a long time before he took a bite.

"Good?"

"No."

Taylor smirked as she watched them from the other room, feeling like a fly on the wall, but wanting to stay there forever, wrapped up in this warmth that radiated from the three of them. She watched the way they all looked at each other, full of love and pride and happiness, and she took a picture, hoping that somehow she could trap that feeling. She looked at Lindsay, this person who came out of nowhere and loved her right away, fully, and without question, this person who had been the most important person in her life for the last ten years. Her hero, when one really thought about it. Lindsay was the one to pick her up when she fell down, hold her when life hurt, tell her that she was wrong sometimes. No one else loved her that much, no one else listened to her that much, no one else supported her that much. She'd watched Lindsay struggle through bad relationships, job changes and her past coming back to haunt her. And she'd watched her come out the other side better and stronger. With all her heart, Taylor wanted to be like that. Take all that had happened to her as a child and release its power on her. Turn her experiences around and use them rather than be enslaved by them. A tear slid down her cheek as she watched the scene in the kitchen and hoped that someday she would have that, someday she would be standing there with a child of her own, a husband of her own, loving so deeply and indelibly, just as Lindsay had done for her.

More tears clouded her vision as she tried to focus her camera on Lindsay's smile, the one that spread clear across her face and straight into her eyes. The one everyone could feel miles away. The one that said everything was going to be just fine, just right.

Through perfectly formed and assembled pieces of glass, she watched life play out for several minutes before she got up to join it.

* * *

"I can't believe you've never seen this movie," Taylor commented, shaking her head and taking another handful of popcorn. "Peter Boyle?"

"Gene Wilder," Lindsay added.

"Mel Brooks!" they chorused.

"It's on my bucket list!" Adam defended.

"You're getting old, we'd better watch this in fast forward."

"Shut it, Taylor."

She grinned and deflected the popcorn he chucked at her head.

"My grandfather's work was doodoo!" Lindsay shouted along with the movie.

"Dude, you tried to give me a lobotomy with popcorn and I missed my favorite line."

"Oh man, this IS a Mel Brooks movie," Adam chuckled, shaking his head. "Why am I not surprised that the two of you like it?"

"It might be our most quoted movie ever."

"Lindsay showed it to me when I was ten. The more I watch it the more I catch the adult humor. I can't believe you ever let me watch this."

"Sank you, doctor," Lindsay replied with a giggle. Adam sighed and propped his feet up on the coffee table. He didn't understand about half of what the girls said when they were together. That was okay though, they both seemed to be happy with their own language. Lindsay smiled and leaned into him, tucking up underneath his chin and hugging him gently.

"Thank you," she whispered so only he could hear. She didn't have to clarify it, he already knew. It was thanks for letting her be like this, a little younger than she was, a little more immature than she should have been, slightly more girly than normal. He smiled back at her and they turned their attention back to the movie, spending the rest of the evening snickering at the off-beat humor and the fact that there were still things in the movie that neither Lindsay or Taylor had ever noticed before. It was late when the VHS finally started to rewind itself, and Adam stood up from the couch, stretching and picking up the popcorn bowl.

"We'll I'm done for the night," he said with a yawn. "You two staying up?"

"Are you kidding? My eyes are burning."

"Me too."

They all moved around quietly, locking doors and cleaning up, Taylor making the couch into a bed again so she could sleep on it.

"Night kid," Adam said, giving her a little shove.

"Night other kid," Taylor shot back. He just shook his head and went into the bedroom.

"Goodnight sweet face," Lindsay said, pulling Taylor into her arms and hugging her tightly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"Sleep good."

"I will."

Lindsay turned off the light and padded into the bedroom while Taylor settled under the covers, feeling more at home, more wanted, and more cherished than she ever had in her life.


	92. Chapter 92

"Why is your child crazy?" Taylor asked, grabbing the wooden shish kebab skewers that Colton was trying to shove down the heat register.

"Have you met his father?"

"At least Adam does things with a purpose," she said, yanking the last skewer away from him. He glared at her and went back into the kitchen, opening another drawer and finding a meat thermometer. He looked it over for a moment, then dropped it into the cat's water dish before rooting through the drawer again.

"Colton, would you go play with your toys?"

"No mama."

"What if I tell you yes?"

He shook his head and ignored her in favor of a spatula, slapping it against the counter with a mischievous grin.

"Okay, you've gotta find something else to do," Lindsay sighed, wiping her hands on a dishtowel and taking him into the other room. "It's because of your playdoh in the dishwasher that we're having to do all these dishes by hand."

He gave her a look and found his toys, chucking them out of the basket one by one in protest. Lindsay shrugged, knowing that in this moment good behavior was a lost battle. She returned to the kitchen and finished washing the dishes while Taylor dried them, neither of them saying much while Colton created a lot of ruckus in the background.

"He has cabin fever," she sighed. "He hasn't done anything but sit around here in days."

"It's too cold to do anything."

"He doesn't seem to care about that."

"No he doesn't," Taylor agreed as a stuffed animal came flying into the room.

"I should probably take him over to Austin's at some point so he can play with Isa. That should help."

"Au'sin? Isa?" he asked happily as he came into the room.

"That you hear, but when I ask you to not scream in my face you ignore it."

"Isa?" he asked again, looking at her hopefully.

"Maybe tomorrow."

He threw his head back and wailed, crumpling to the floor in a pitiful heap of toddler, pounding on the linoleum as if his world had just ended.

"Get off the floor," Lindsay said, her patience wearing thin.

"No!"

"Colton Matthew Ross."

He continued to scream and she picked him up, carrying him into the bedroom and depositing him onto his bed, then leaving the room and shutting the door.

"Some days…"

"Hey Linds, he tipped over that plant out here."

"Dirt everywhere?"

"Cats walking through it. What do you suggest for cleaning this up?"

"A time machine back to when we picked an apartment, and choosing one with dark carpet."

"And in a non science fiction world?"

"I guess the vacuum."

They spent a while cleaning the mess up, glad the plant hadn't been watered in a good long time because damp dirt was a lot harder to clean up. By the time they were done Colton had stopped crying, so Lindsay put the vacuum away and went to check on him. He'd fallen asleep on the floor, his face still tracked with tears. She wanted to pull him into her arms and comfort him, but he needed a nap and she didn't want to wake him up. She pulled a blanket off his bed and settled it around him, then closed his door again.

"So I'm thinking about going to that coffee shop down the street," Taylor said. "Spend an hour people watching or something."

"Need to escape the insanity?"

"No, no. I just…"

"Get out of here, Tay."

"Thanks. I won't be gone long, I swear."

"Alright. Be careful and try to be home before it gets dark."

"I will."

Lindsay watched her leave, then went into the front room, cleaning up the destruction Colton had left in his wake. He was getting too old to be content being inside and at home all the time. He needed to be with kids his own age on a more regular basis. She didn't want to put him in daycare, but maybe a few hours a week would be alright. The thought of it made her tired, so she went into the bedroom and climbed into the messy covers, pulling them tightly around her and closing her eyes.

* * *

"Hey, I'm home," Adam said as he came through the door a few hours later.

"Hey," Lindsay returned, stirring the pot of soup on the stove. "How was work?"

"Same old."

He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing a gentle kiss to her neck.

"You missed me?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow and turning to look at him.

"It was a long day. What's going on here?"

"Remember when I said I was never going to buy a Pack and Play because I didn't want our child to feel like he spent half his life in a cage?"

"Yeah."

"I am reneging on that and we're getting one this weekend. That child is insane."

"What did he do?"

"Oh hon, the question is what did he not do."

"Where is he right now?"

"In his room. He went in there a few minutes ago and shut the door. He's either doing something really bad or… I don't know, I just didn't want to go in there."

"I'll risk it. Where's Taylor?"

"She went down to the coffee shop about four hours ago. I'm kind of getting worried."

"Did you call her?"

"No, not yet. I don't want to bug her."

"It's okay to bug her. Give her a little longer though. I'm going to go and see what our offspring is up to."

He released her and went into the Colton's room, finding him sitting on the floor, all of his toy cars in a circle around him.

"What are you doing bud?"

"See daddy?"

"Wow, it's a car show."

"Red," he commented, holding a red car out to him.

"Yeah, that's right. What color is this one?"

"Um… boo?"

"You're right buddy. You're too smart for your old dad."

"Oh. See lellow?"

"Yellow car. Which one is the best?"

"Dis!" he said, holding up the blue Jeep Wrangler.

"Is that because it's daddy's car?"

"Daddy's car!" he giggled, driving it over Adam's arm.

"So I heard you drove your mama batty today. Are you proud of yourself?"

"Okay."

"You gotta ease up on her buddy. She works too hard to have to be cleaning up after both of us all the time."

"I play."

"I know you're playing, but you need to be a good boy for mama, okay?"

"Okay daddy. Wesso?"

"You want to wrestle? You think you can take me? Never!"

Colton squealed as Adam tickled him roughly, blowing raspberries on his stomach and leaving playful pinches on his legs. They played like that for a while longer, until were both winded and laughing, their hair sticking up unnaturally. Lindsay stood in the door and watched them amusement spreading across her face as they both lay on the carpet.

"Daddy, get mama!"

"No way, she'll get me back."

"I get mama!" he said, jumping up and running towards her. The glee on his face completely made up for his earlier shenanigans, and she scooped him up, holding him tightly and kissing his cheek.

"I love mama," he said, tossing his arms around her neck.

"I love you too honey."

He smiled and planted a kiss on her cheek before giggling and hugging her again.

"Are you guys hungry for dinner?"

"Dinnah!" Colton shouted. "Go."

They went back into the kitchen, Lindsay and Adam both stopping at the threshold and looking at each other.

"Crap, I burned the bread!"

She put Colton down on the ground and threw the oven open, dark smoke swirling out from what had once been a loaf of French bread.

"I forgot I put it on broil," she muttered, turning the oven off and using oven mitts to try and get the bread out. "Ouch!"

"Here, let me do that, you go open a window."

"It's going to smell in here for weeks."

"At least you can't blame it on my socks now."

She rolled her eyes and went into the other room Colton following behind her as she threw the windows open. It was cold out, but not too cold, and she breathed in the fresh air while looking down at the street below.

It was a few minutes before she realized it was Taylor standing outside the building, talking to a young guy, both of them seemingly happy with the conversation. Lindsay watched for a few more seconds as Taylor checked her watch and gestured toward the building. They guy nodded and hugged her hesitantly, then pulled away and kissed her before giving her one last look and walking down the street. Lindsay's eyes grew wide as panic set in. Who in the world was this guy? What was he doing with Taylor? Was he a stranger? If not, how had they met?

"What are you looking at?" Adam asked, looking through the window too.

"Taylor was… some guy… and then they kissed."

"What?"

"I just saw it."

"So?"

"So? Adam, she doesn't know anyone here!"

"Maybe she met him at the coffee shop."

"And kissed him four hours later? Maybe some people do that, but not Taylor."

"Linds she's an adult, she can kiss who she wants."

"I don't care who she's kissin' as long as she knows who he is."

"Hon, you're getting a little panicked. Don't rip into her the second she walks through the door."

"Don't tell me what to do."

"Whoa, you need to about seven chill pills, babe."

"I don't-" she started as the door opened.

"Hi guys."

"Hey kid."

"Taylor who's that guy you were kissing downstairs?"

"Way to tiptoe around the issue," Adam muttered.

"Are you spying on me?"

"No."

"Then how did you know?"

"You're not denying it?"

"I stopped denying things when I was seven," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It doesn't matter how I know. Who was that guy?"

"None of your business."

"Are you kidding me?"

"What's the big deal?"

"Who is he?"

"He's just a friend."

"Taylor."

"I met him online, okay? Can we drop it?"

"Online? We absolutely cannot drop it!"

By this point Adam had taken Colton and retreated to the kitchen, still able to hear their bickering.

"Oh Lindsay get a grip. People meet online all the time. I've been talking to him for months and since I was going to be here anyway I decided to meet him. What is so wrong about that?"

"He could have been anyone, Taylor! Don't you get that? He could have been a rapist or a murderer or a psycho or any number of other things that you can't even imagine."

"But he's not. I wouldn't meet just anyone, he's a good guy."

"You first laid eyes on each other what, four hours ago and then he just goes ahead and kisses you? He moves pretty fast."

"This is New York, everyone does everything fast."

"Yeah, like beating you to death and pitching you in the river."

"Lindsay!"

"You have no idea, little girl. None."

"I'm not a little girl anymore, Lindsay. I'm an adult now and I am capable of making my own decisions."

"You can go ahead and make them Taylor but that doesn't mean they're right. Why would you do this? You haven't the first clue about what could have happened today."

"That's why I met him in public. I said that already!"

"So you stayed at that coffee shop that whole time?"

"Well no but-"

"How could you be this stupid?" Lindsay yelled, her heart pumping quickly with adrenaline. The thoughts of what could have happened pounded in her head and she could feel herself getting even madder. "I would never have expected this from you, Taylor. I would like to think that you were smarter than that, at least not this naïve. Or did you just figure you'd be fine, you could take care of yourself? You may be an adult, but you're not invincible and things can happen, especially when you put yourself into a situation like that."

"Lindsay, I-"

"Don't. Don't tell me it's not a big deal because I've seen the girls who said that and the next day they're bruised and bloody and broken and laying on a cold slab in the morgue. Don't act like you know when you don't."

"You're not my mother and you can't tell me what I should and shouldn't do."

"You're right, I'm not your mother. Heaven forbid you ever listen to me."

"Listen to you? I've done nothing but listen to you for the last ten years! When are you going to stop thinking I'm eight years old?"

"I don't think that Taylor! I never have and that's why I never expected this!"

"Am I allowed to do anything?"

"Fine, do what you want! I don't care."

Lindsay turned and stormed out of the room, slamming the bedroom door behind her while Taylor sunk down onto the couch, trying not to cry. Adam stood in the kitchen, not sure what to do. He figured they would wait a few minutes and talk it out, so he finished making dinner and was just getting the plates out when Colton tugged on his pants.

"What's up bud?"

"Daddy, Tater cry."

"She's crying?"

"Yes. In 'nere,' her reported, pointing into the other room. "Mama loud."

"Mama was upset. Why don't you play in here for a minute while I go talk to Taylor."

"Okay."

Adam went into the other room slowly, not sure what he was going to stay. Taylor was sitting in the corner of the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest and small tears making their way down her face. He sat down on the coffee table and she looked up at him with a sniffle.

"You okay?"

"She's never yelled at me before."

"I know."

"She's so mad."

"No she's not."

"Yes she is. Didn't you hear her?"

"I heard her, but she's not mad. She's just very aware of what could happen. She's seen it right up close. And not just at work. You know that."

"This wasn't the same."

"Exactly. Not knowing things scares her. And losing people scares her. She loves you and she doesn't want anything bad to ever happen to you."

"I know. And maybe what I did was stupid. But I really didn't think it was. I've talked to this guy every day for months. I feel like I know him. He's been a really good friend and he listens when I talk and… you're not interested in this."

"Yes I am."

"I don't want her to be mad at me."

"She's not. Take it from someone who screwed up pretty majorly, she doesn't stay like this long. Just give her a chance to cool off and she'll probably come out here and hug you and it'll be all over."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

"Okay."

"And just for the record, and if it makes any difference, I think you did this the best way you knew how. I wouldn't recommend it, but I think you were safer about it than most people."

"Maybe I should have told her what I was doing, but I was afraid she would never let me leave."

"Well not until she ran a background check on the guy at least."

She smiled and he stood up, giving her hair a little tug.

"It's going to be fine, Taylor. I promise."

"Okay."

"I'm going to go in there and see if I can speed things up a little."

"Thanks Adam."

He gave her a reassuring smile and ventured into the bedroom. Lindsay was sitting on the bed, her arms crossed, staring at the wall. It was classic defense posture, not angry, just hurt. He sat down next to her and brushed a strand of hair away from her face before he said anything.

"So that went well."

"Adam, don't be cute."

"I'm cute?"

She sighed and he became serious, his fingers gliding down her cheek and tipping her chin up.

"Linds."

"I know."

"You need to fix this."

"I will. I have to figure out how."

He slid his arm around her and she leaned into his shoulder with a sigh.

"First foray into parenting an adult. Big fat fail."

"You've got a long time to practice before you do it for real."

"I guess."

"You'd better go out there."

"Yeah."

"And do it fast so we can eat."

She rolled her eyes and stood up, then turned around and leaned down to kiss him.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

She stood up from the bed and went slowly into the other room. Taylor was still on the couch and Colton had climbed up into her lap with a book and was showing her the pictures in it.

"Hey," Lindsay started, sitting down on the other end of the couch.

"Hey."

"Can we start that whole conversation over again?"

"No."

"No?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Lindsay."

"I'm not going to freak out again, I swear."

"I think I just want to keep it to myself for now."

"Why?"

"Because it's more fun that way."

"Taylor."

"I just don't want to make you mad."

"You won't sweetie. I promise, I'm going to listen to you this time."

"Okay. It's not what you think. We really are just friends. That kiss was kind of an "I'll probably never see you again" kind of thing. He goes to NYU and as part of his student teaching or thesis or something he proofreads papers and helps to create study guides for tests. I sent him some stuff and he was really helpful and we got to talking and then we just never stopped. He's really nice but there's no attraction there."

"So that's why you felt safe meeting him."

"I guess. Maybe it was stupid, but it didn't feel stupid. We met at the coffee shop and we were there for a while and then we went for a walk. I had my phone the whole time if anything got weird and I wasn't going to leave the neighborhood. I'm not as naïve as you think I am. I knew what could have happened, but if I spent my whole life worrying about what could happen I would never do anything. If I had met him in Montana you never would have worried."

"Maybe you're a little right about that. But you know that I freaked because I love you."

"I know."

"I shouldn't have done that. I don't think you're stupid or incapable. I just get scared."

"I know, and that's okay. I probably should have figured you might."

"I'm so sorry honey. I don't want to hurt you and I want you to always talk to me and trust me."

"I want you to trust me too. I guess I should have told you a long time ago."

"I guess I should listen better. Are we okay?"

"Yeah."

"I'm gonna hug you now."

"Adam said you would."

"He knows me well," she said, scooting across the couch and giving Taylor a tight hug.

"I love you, Lindsay. And I didn't mean what I said about you not being my mother. You are, for all intents and purposes."

"Well we couldn't fight like that if I wasn't."

"Pretty much."

"So do you want to go eat dinner, or should we sit here and moan about how hungry we are until Adam serves us?"

"Second idea, definitely."

They grinned at each other feeling closer now than they ever had before.


	93. Chapter 93

A/N: AHHHHHHH! That is all.

* * *

"Mama, I have cookie?" Colton asked, bouncing from foot to foot as she took the tray of snickerdoodles out of the oven.

"You have to wait until they cool off. Maybe after daddy gets home."

"I love mama."

"I know you love me, but now you're just trying to butter me up."

"Cookie please?"

"Not now baby. Let's go read a book and when we're done we'll have a cookie, okay?"

"Okay. Mama's tummy okay?"

"Yeah, I feel better."

"We read eggs and ham?"

"Sure."

He grinned and scampered off into the other room while Lindsay followed him slowly. She was tired and would rather take a nap, but seeing his face light up at the mention of a book was reason enough to stay awake. He grabbed the book off the shelf and jumped up onto the couch, handing it to her when she sat down.

"Are you going to be my little bookworm?"

"No, mama. Read."

She cracked the book open and took a deep breath, reading the tongue twisting poem and letting him shout out the Sam-I-Am's. He turned the pages at the right time, mostly because they had read this book at least twelve times in the last week and he surely had it memorized. His last favorite had been _Alexander and the Terrible Horrible No Good very Bad Day_, but after a while he had tired of that and was now leaning more towards Dr. Seuss. They read to him several times a day at his request, and sometimes if he caught them reading their own books he would crawl in their lap and look too, as if he really could read it himself.

They had finished the book and were halfway through _Yertle the Turtle_ when Adam opened the door.

"Daddy!"

Colton raced across the room and into Adam's arms hugging him as if he hadn't seen him in days.

"Hey buddy. I missed you today."

"Made cookies. Read book."

"Processed evidence. Annoyed Mac."

"Eat cookies, mama?" he asked, looking down at her with a grin.

"Oh alright. Daddy can get you one."

Adam smirked and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"You still feeling a little crummy?"

"Not really, just tired."

"You want a cookie then?"

"No thanks. But you can pour me a glass of water."

The boys went into the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a handful of cookies and some water.

"Thanks hon. How was work?"

"It was good. Got a lot done. Watched Flack and Jess have a really weird conversation about interrogation techniques and which of them is good cop and which is bad cop."

"Where'd they land?"

"Jess is both and Flack just sits there and observes."

"Yeah, I think he was tired of arguing with her."

"When are they going to just go ahead and get married?"

"I'm guessing once she tells him so."

She chuckled and he sat down next to her, letting her lean up against him.

"Anyway, besides made cookies read book, what else did you do today?"

"Cleaned Colton's room, boxed up all the winter clothes that have been laying on the floor for two weeks, and finally got around to putting that bookcase together."

"After I left you grumbling about an upset stomach this morning?"

"Yeah."

"You're superwoman."

"I think I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"Sorry, I was trying to think of how to say it a little better than that."

"You… really?"

"I think so. I'm pretty sure."

"Did you take a test?"

"I was waiting for you to get home. I took it without you last time, and I wanted to find out together."

"Well get in there and go pee then!"

She giggled and stood up from the couch while Adam sat there, half in shock. They'd been trying for over three months now and he knew that Lindsay was starting to worry that it wouldn't happen. She didn't need to worry, most people had to try for a while. But she had her organization and schedules and had just figured this would fit into her timetable. He remembered her saying that maybe she couldn't get pregnant because she shouldn't. She thought she couldn't handle it. He knew that pregnant or not, he was going to have to find a way to rid her of these self doubts.

"Well?" he asked as she came out of the bathroom."

"It's still steeping. We've got three minutes."

"How did you manage to wait?"

"I just wanted you to be here," she smiled, taking his hand.

"So what makes you suspicious?"

"Little things," she shrugged. "I'm more tired than normal, I'm really hungry, I've been sick the last few mornings and I missed my period by a week."

"Hon, if it's not… are you going to be upset?"

"Yeah. But I'll be okay."

"So when do you think this shindig would be happening?"

She grinned and did some quick math in her head before answering.

"End of November, around Thanksgiving probably."

"So the kids would be almost exactly three years apart."

"Yeah. Kind of crazy."

"A little but we like it that way. Has it been three minutes yet?"

"More like one."

"Music?"

"Sure."

He grabbed the stereo remote off the coffee table and shuffled through the CD's in the player, picking one randomly.

"The Yeah Yeah Yeah's again?" he asked with a grin.

"Yeah yeah yeah. By the way, I found your Yanni CD…"

"Linds, Yanni is like a great study of musical appreciation and…"

"How not to use hair styling products?"

"Says the woman who has been caught rocking out to Lady Gaga."

"Only that one song and it's because of it that our son can roll his R's."

"That'll come in handy."

"It could be a trade someday, you don't know."

"Where do you even put that on a resume'?"

"Under special skills; where you put "slays dragons and eats massive amounts of Cheetos."

"That's my bio on xBox and you wrote it!"

"It was four a.m if I recall. I had eaten a whole thing of Twizzlers."

"You were laying on the floor telling me you hated me for making you bloated."

"I said you should get out of my life and quit makin' me fat."

"Seems like a million years ago."

"Before we started dating I think."

"Just a couple crazy kids," he said as she leaned on his shoulder.

"Know what we are now?"

"What?"

"A couple crazy kids."

"I'm alright with that."

They smiled together as the egg timer went off in the other room.

"You ready?" she asked, taking a deep breath.

"I'm more than ready."

He took her hand and they stood up from the couch, walking silently into the bathroom.

"Sweetie, before we look, I need you to know that if it's not positive, it's okay. It just means we try again later. Okay?"

"Okay. Deep breath."

"And the verdict?" he asked as she picked up the plastic stick.

"We're going to have to get Colton potty trained because I am not diapering two kids."

"Let me see."

He turned her hand so he could see the digital read out. Pregnant. Plain as day. He wanted to jump up and down but instead he wrapped her in a hug, overcome with a happiness he couldn't describe.

"I can't wait."

"Me neither," she said with a chuckle. "I can't believe it's finally happening."

"Are you excited?"

"Very."

"Think we're ready?"

"Yeah, I think we are."

"It's going to be perfect," he said, smoothing his hand over her stomach.

"You still gonna love me when I get big and fat?"

"I still loved you the first time."

"Yeah, but I'm older now."

"Maybe the baby fat will fill in your wrinkles, granny."

"You're hilarious," she said, slapping his shoulder playfully.

He leaned in and kissed her, completely overcome with joy at the new life that was growing inside her. The science of it all still blew him away if he thought about it too long.

He broke the kiss and stared into her eyes, both of them shedding a few tears. The first time they had been completely overwhelmed and not sure what to expect, so the initial excitement had turned into getting prepared and educated. This time they were more ready and could just sit in the happiness for a while, just let themselves be excited for longer.

"You want a boy or a girl?"

"I don't care. You?"

"I don't care either," he said with a shake of his head. "Either one will be perfect. It'll be ours."

She smiled and wiped her tears away, still in disbelief. She'd been convincing herself all day that it was just a coincidence. She didn't know how she could handle it if it was negative. She'd been so hesitant before, not sure if she could be a good enough mother for two kids. But now she knew she would be just fine, and she couldn't wait.

"Let's go out for dinner," Adam said, breaking into her thoughts.

"Where?"

"I don't know. Walk until we find something?"

"Sounds good to me."

He smiled and dropped his forehead to hers.

"Every day I love you more, but today… I can't even explain it."

"I know. Me too."

"Let's not tell anyone for a while. Just let it be ours."

"Absolutely."

"You're going to tell Austin as soon as you see her."

"I won't, I promise. At least I'll promise to try as hard as I can."

"Okay, it's a deal. Let's go."

She smiled and took his hand ecstatic at what the next nine months were going to bring.


	94. Chapter 94

"So I'll be home around three I hope," Adam said, sliding his coat on. "If I'm going to be late I'll call you."

"Alright. Just don't be too late because I have to work at four."

"I'll do my best. Colton?"

"What daddy?"

"Are you going to be a big boy and use the bathroom today?"

"Yeah."

"You're in charge of your own potty today, okay?"

"I in charge," he nodded seriously. "No messy."

"No messy. You be good for mama and when I get home we'll set up your train tracks."

"Okay. I love daddy."

"I love you too. I'll see you later."

Colton scampered into the other room while Adam pulled Lindsay into his arms.

"I'll call you later. Drink some more ginger ale and feel better okay?"

"I will. I wish this morning sickness would go away. It's been two weeks."

"I know. Hopefully it won't be too much longer."

"It's worth it."

"That it is, I just wish you didn't have to deal with it."

"Me neither."

"Call me if you need anything today."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

He gave her one last kiss and left the apartment while she made her way to the couch, sitting down and pulling a throw pillow under her head.

"Mama, go outside?"

"It's a little cold right now, but maybe later."

"What we do?"

"I'm not sure. Do you want to try that puzzle again?"

"Yeah puzzle!" he shouted, finding the box and dumping the pieces on the coffee table.

"Mama help?"

"Sure. Do you have to go potty first?"

"Nope, I in charge."

"Alright," she said, running her hand over his hair. He was talking more and more everyday, getting taller and smarter and she couldn't believe how old he was already. The best thing in her life so far had been watching him grow up and she couldn't imagine a better adventure.

They worked on the puzzle until it was done, then Colton tore the whole thing apart and started over, doing most of it himself this time. He finished and looked at her proudly, pointing down at the completed puzzle.

"Lookit mama, I do!"

"I know! What a smart boy."

"Nother one?"

"Sure, just put this one away first. Want to share some crackers with me?"

"Okay mama."

She went into the kitchen for the box of crackers and was just sitting down on the couch again when the front door opened.

"Au'tin! Isa! Sa'ah!" Colton shouted, jumping up from the floor and running towards them. Isa let out a gleeful shriek and they threw their arms around each other, having been apart for three weeks.

"Play with me," Colton said, dragging her over to his tub of Legos. "We make."

Isa grinned and sat down with him, pulling pieces out of the tub and snapping them together.

"It good," Colton said, nodding his head in approval. "It be big?"

Isa shook her head and snapped the last piece on the top, then kicked the whole thing over.

"Yah!" she shouted, her hands on her hips. Colton stared at her for a second, then erupted into laughter, kicking his own building over and clapping when all the pieces came apart.

"Well that should keep them entertained," Austin muttered, putting the diaper bag on the chair and sitting down on the couch.

"She's grown like a whole inch," Lindsay commented as she watched the kids play.

"She totally bypassed a whole shoe size. But she now owns two pairs of Chucks and leather boots."

"She's so cool."

"She knows."

"And what about this one?" Lindsay said, taking Sarah from her. "She's getting so old and chubby. Wasn't she just born yesterday?"

"Feels like it. Did I tell you she's been sleeping through the night?"

"Lucky."

"Isa still doesn't do that."

"Well okay, not so lucky."

Sarah cooed and Lindsay kissed her round cheek, brushing back the blonde hair.

"She can't be almost eight months old. It's just not right."

"You're telling me."

"So guess what?" Lindsay started, knowing she couldn't hold it in any longer.

"No way," Austin replied, knowing exactly what she was getting at. "You're pregnant?"

"Yep."

"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this!" she said excitedly. "How far along?"

"Nine weeks. We haven't told anyone yet, but we wanted you guys to know first. Why are you giggling so hard?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I think it might be my own hormones."

"NO WAY!"

"Guilty as charged. I feel like an Easybake oven for babies."

"Maybe you're just easy."

Austin smacked her shoulder.

"Look who's talkin'!"

They looked at each other and erupted into giggles.

"How far along are you?"

"About seven weeks. Oh, the guys are gonna hate this."

"I can't believe you're having three kids in two and a half years."

"Oh man, when you say it like that."

"You're like inhumanly super fertile."

"Thanks a lot."

"I'm just amused. You're getting all your baby growing out of the way while I have far enough between the kids that I am going to have to get used to no sleep again."

"You'll do it. You guys want a boy or a girl?"

"We don't care. A girl would be nice, but Colton's surrounded by girls, so it might be good for him to have a brother. You?"

"Danny wants a boy really bad. I just want one like Sarah, that doesn't cry or scream or spit up or do anything that makes me put forth pretty much any effort because Isa is crazy."

"At least she's cute crazy."

"Yeah, pretty much. She told Danny she loved him the other day."

"Oh yeah?"

"Don't tell him I told you, but he cried."

"I think it's a daddy thing. Adam teared up the first time."

"Our men are big softies."

"Or just good daddies."

"We'll go with that. How did we not notice that the kids tore open the box of crackers?"

"Because we don't mind."

"Oh yeah. So did you get a due date?"

"Last week in November. You?"

"First week in December."

"We could pull a _Father of the Bride_ and go into labor at the same time."

"We'll take a shot of castor oil one night."

"With a black cohosh chaser."

"Excellent."

Sarah crawled out of Lindsay's arms then slid off the couch, standing there and holding onto the cushions, bouncing happily and drooling out the side of her mouth.

"She's very proud of her standing abilities," Austin explained. "Still can't let go of stuff, but she'll stand there and dance until she tires out."

"We can't go this long without seeing each other again. Colton had no less than three temper tantrums begging to play with Isa."

"They look pretty happy now," Austin chuckled.

The kids were sitting on the floor side by side, sharing crackers and giggling. Colton had his arm around Isa protectively while last nights sports highlights played out on the screen in front of them.

"They remind me of me and Danny."

"Oh no."

"Colton is going to be sane though and he won't let Isa get away with too much. They'll be fine. And if not, you can do the punishing."

"Oh I can?"

"You'll be better at it. I'll totally back you up."

"So I get to be the mean one and you're the cool mom?"

"Yeah."

"That's fair."

"I think so too."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"You want to know the truth Linds?"

"What?"

"I'm kind of afraid that one day she's going to do something and I'm going to lose it. I just won't be able to-"

"Austin, you're not your father."

"I know."

"Are you sure?"

"Sometimes."

"Well you're not. Not even close. I've seen you with her, you have the patience of a saint. You're not him and you never will be. Case closed."

"Just like that?"

"If I thought any different, Colton would never be with you guys. You're not your father, Aust."

"Thank you."

"And I don't think you hear this enough, but you are a really good mother."

"Really?"

"Yes. And I'm not drawing on best friend bias here. You really are good at it, like you've been preparing for it your whole life. I know you worried if you would be good enough and I know you still worry, and that's okay. I worry about me too. But I can tell you that there aren't many people in this world suited to be a mother as much as you are."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'm as serious as I ever have been with you. Most people are just normal moms. Average. I'm one of those. You on the other hand… you have something special that no one else has. I still don't know what it is, but it's there."

"That means a lot coming from you."

"Why?"

"Because those are the same things I think about you. I've been watching you since day one and if it weren't for that, I would be completely lost."

"No you wouldn't."

"Maybe not, but you make it a lot easier."

"Well I guess then for the sake of the kids we have to be friends forever."

"Such a sacrifice we're making."

"And how."

"Mama!" Colton shouted, jumping up from the floor. "Potty!"

"Well go ahead and go."

"No come with me!" he requested, racing into the bathroom and slamming the door.

"He's shy about his bathroom time," Lindsay explained at Austin's raised eyebrow. "We'll know in about ten seconds whether or not he made it."

"Does he give you an announcement or something?"

"I win, I win!" Colton hollered.

"Yes he does."

"I am guessing, just taking a flyer here, that quite possibly Adam has been taking the reigns on the potty training thing."

"Yeah. Which is nice because I'm not having to explain aiming to him."

"Danny's going to balk when it comes to potty training."

"Adam's just sick of diapers and he crunched the numbers on pull-ups and underwear versus diapers and there was a clear winner, so we haven't used diapers in a week."

"That must be nice."

"I gotta start over again soon."

"So you're going to be buying diapers and pull-ups anyway."

"Hopefully by that time Colton will be done with them and we can move on with life."

"Mama, I did! I go potty!"

"I know. Should we put a sticker on your chart?"

"Yes!"

She got up from the couch and put a sticker on his chart on the wall.

"Only three more and you get to go have ice-cream with daddy."

"Three more potties?"

"Yep."

"Isa, I have i-cream with daddy!"

"Yay!" Isa shouted clapping her hands. She had no idea what was going on, but if he was happy about it, so was she.

"It does not take much to please that child."

"I gave him celery with peanut butter on it last night. You would have thought he died and went to heaven."

"He is definitely Adam's child."

"Oh yes. While Isa is a tornado of you and Danny with a smile and a tutu."

"I still can't believe she has that girly side."

"She'll grow out of it if you're any indication. She might have your wild parts but she's got the heart parts too. Of both of you."

"She's a little crazy sometimes."

"That's what we all love most about her."

"It is?"

"She wouldn't be Isa if she didn't scream like a banshee sometimes. Besides, who wants a boring kid?"

"Not I."

"Well there ya go."

"I never realized it before, but watching the kids grow up together is kind of… amazing I guess."

"It kind of is. I hope they stay this close forever."

"Me too. Everyone needs that."

"Hi Indy," Isa chirped, holding her hands out to Lindsay.

"Hi little miss. What's going on?"

"Mine," she replied, pointing over at Sarah, who was still standing by the couch, bouncing up and down.

"Did you teach her those dance moves?"

"Uh-huh," she replied absently, crawling down from Lindsay's lap and standing next to Sarah. They giggled together and bounced in rhythm while Colton wandered over to investigate. He stood on the other side of Sarah and all three kids wiggled around happily, grinning at each other.

"Just think, a year from now, we'll have a combined brood of five."

"I can't wait."


	95. Chapter 95

A/N: I cheat and fast forward sometimes. But only a little. Also I must be emotional because I just cried while finishing this chapter. Oh if only this was real life.

* * *

Lindsay climbed carefully out of bed, not wanting to wake Adam. His arm was wrapped tightly around her and she extracted it as slowly as she could before she stood up and stretched. They had stayed up late the night before watching _Scott Pilgrim vs. The World_ at Adam's request. It was probably their twelfth viewing in the last few months but it amused them every time.

Sliding into her slippers, she made her way into Colton's bedroom, smiling when she saw that he was already awake. He grinned up at her and buried his face in the belly of his sock monkey, giggling as she leaned down cover his cheeks with kisses.

"Good morning honey."

"Mornin' mama."

"Need to go potty?"

"I need snugglin' please."

"You do?"

"Uh-huh," he said with a nod, sitting up and crawling into her lap. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed the top of his head, breathing in his sleepy little boy scent.

"The baby in'nere?" he asked, patting her stomach.

"Yeah, it's in there."

"It come to play with me?"

"In a while. It's gotta grow bigger first."

"How big?"

"As big as you were when you were born."

"How big?" he repeated, throwing his arms out in question.

"Do you want to look at your baby pictures?"

"Yeah!"

He scrambled off her lap and ran out into the other room, pulling the scrapbook off the shelf and opening it before Lindsay joined him on the floor.

"Mama and daddy," he said, pointing to the first picture. "Laughin'."

"Yeah, we laugh a lot."

"You pretty mama."

"Thanks buddy."

"Daddy not pretty."

"Daddy's handsome."

"What dis one?" he asked, pointing down at the book again.

"That's one day when we went to the lake with uncle Danny and aunt Austin."

"Where Isa?"

"Isa wasn't born yet. Neither were you. Me and daddy weren't even married yet."

"You have sun-gassers."

"Yeah, those were my favorite sunglasses and Austin won them in a bet."

"Uh-oh. Lookit, mama beautiful!" he said, turning the page and finding their wedding pictures. "You happy."

"That was one of the happiest days of my life."

He smiled and looked at the pictures for a few moments before turning the page.

"Where dis?"

"We took that picture right up there on the couch the day we found out we were going to have you. You were just a teeny tiny baby in my tummy. And daddy and I were so happy we didn't know what to do with ourselves."

"You happy cuz I comin'?"

"Yeah, we were."

"I see pictures of baby Colton."

"Turn a couple more pages."

"Me?" he asked curiously.

"That's you."

"Big monster!"

"No, that's not a monster, that's a machine. You were kind of sick when you were born so you needed machines to help you get better.

"You sad mama?"

"No, I wasn't sad, I was just tired and I didn't feel too good either. But I was happy you were okay. And then you got to come home. And we had Christmas, and you met your grandmas. See, you started growing up into a big boy," she said, flipping through the pages slowly, letting him look at each one.

"The baby be little," he decided, once they had reached the end of the book.

"Do you want another boy like you or a girl like Isa and Sarah?"

"I want a doggie."

"Well that my boy is not going to happen."

"Okay."

"Should we go make some breakfast?"

"I help," he said, standing up from her lap. "Wear 'prin like daddy."

"You want to wear an apron?"

"Like daddy," he clarified, nodding.

"Okay, we'll find one for you."

He grinned and raced into the kitchen while she put the scrapbook back on the shelf.

"What makin'?" he asked, bouncing from foot to foot, giving her an impish grin.

"What's daddy's favorite?"

"Naner and 'tella sanniches," he answered, calling to mind the nutella and banana baked between two slices of French toast.

"Shh, he's still sleeping."

"No I'm not," he said from the door way.

"Hey, get out of here!"

"Outta here!" Colton repeated, running across the kitchen and jumping into his arms.

"Mornin' buddy."

"Mornin' daddy. Cartoons?"

"We'll go watch cartoons. Apparently mama doesn't want us in the kitchen."

"That doesn't mean I don't want you at all," she tossed over her shoulder as they walked out.

"Excuse me?" Adam said, poking his head back into the room.

"Just teasin'."

"On my birthday? AND Father's day? You are a cruel woman, Lindsay Ross. May you be infested with the fleas of a thousand dogs."

"Yeah like that'll up your chances of gettin' some."

"Lady," he started, coming back into the room, having deposited Colton on the couch.

"Yes?"

"You're evil."

She grinned and he wrapped his arms around her, backing them up against the counter and pressing his lips to hers in such a demanding way she almost yelped with surprise. It was still careful and gentle though and she ran her fingers through his hair, tugging him closer.

"Can we save this?" he asked, face flushed and breathing faster.

"We'd better."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"Not possible."

"Sorry, it's the truth."

"I love you more. No ifs ands or buts."

"Except I love you the most."

"Nope. I reject your reality and substitute my own."

"Sorry, not happening."

"You're impossible."

"And irresistible. All the makings of a good cult leader."

"I'll get the tambourines."

She snickered and pushed him away.

"Get outta here so I can provide for you."

"Yes ma'am."

He kissed her once more, then ran his hand over her barely-visible-unless-you-were-looking-for-it-baby-bump.

"Hurry up and cook, kid."

"Be patient. You know what macaroni is like only half cooked."

"You make a good point."

* * *

"You would think he'd be tired out of his mind right now," Adam said, looking into the back seat where Colton sat, playing with his goggles and talking to himself. "He just played in the pool for three hours."

"You look like you're tired out of your mind," Lindsay said, reaching over for his hand.

"Yeah, you should be the one driving, you just laid out on a deck chair all afternoon."

"It was hard work, I had to remember when to turn over."

"Remind me to never take you to California."

"That doesn't cancel out Hawaii."

"Oh brother."

"You're going to have a sunburn," she said, noting the pink tinge on the end of his nose.

"Give it three hours, it won't be red anymore."

"In three hours I'm going to touch it and see."

"You do that."

"Colton, you want to take a nap when we get home?" Lindsay asked, turning around and hoping his answer was yes.

"No mama. I play."

"Aren't you tired?"

"I hungry."

"But do you think you could take a nap for a little while?" she asked despite the eyeroll Adam sent her way.

"Nap for the baby. I big."

"But maybe you could just…" she sighed and propped her feet up on the dashboard.

"It's futile babe."

"I was trying for you," she whispered, batting her eyelashes.

"You are… and then… I don't even know."

"Pretty much."

He chuckled and shook his head, while she yawned and ran her hand over her stomach.

"So did we decide?"

"Decide what?"

"Are we finding out this time? Ultrasounds in a few weeks."

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"I don't mind either way. You get to pick."

"Then… I want to find out. Maybe let's not tell anyone, but I still want to know."

"Good because I'm dying to find out. Being surprised the first time was fun, but this time I want to know."

"I feel like I've got so far to go."

"You're almost halfway done."

"I know. Thanksgiving seems forever away."

"It does. But you know you get free foot rubs every day until you pop."

"Pregnancy perks for the win."

He chuckled and squeezed her hand, and they drove in silence the last few miles until they arrived home.

"We really need to think about moving," she said once he turned the car off. "We're not going to be able to fit two kids in that bedroom."

"I know. Maybe one of the bigger units will open up in this building so we won't have to go far."

"That would be nice. Guess who decided to take a nap after all."

"How does he get into those positions? I thought the safety restraints were to prevent him from moving that much."

"He's made of play-doh."

"Are we calling paternity into question here?"

"You are really tired."

He smiled and they got out of the car, carrying their son and the wet towels inside.

"I'm going to put him down," Lindsay said as Adam turned the air conditioner on.

"M'kay."

She chuckled, knowing from his response that he was going to go into the bedroom and faceplant into the pillows, not resurfacing for several hours. She went into the Colton's room and tucked him into his bed, slipping the goggles from where he had placed them on his forehead. She settled the blankets around him, then left the room, finding Adam just as she had imagined he would be. Grinning, she slid under the covers and cuddled up to him pressing her lips to his sun warmed skin.

"You awake?"

"Mmm."

She traced her finger over his shoulder then rubbed his neck gently.

"Feels good," he muttered, cracking one eye open to look at her. She grinned and tugged on his arm until he let her slide closer to him, both of them wrapping around each other loosely. He pressed a kiss to her hair and she nuzzled his chest softly before they both yawned.

"Just an hour or two," he said, his words slurring together.

"Or three," she agreed, slipping off into a warm and comfortable sleep.

* * *

"Mama."

Lindsay opened one eye and looked at Colton who was standing by the bed, his face tracked with tears.

"What's the matter honey?"

"I go potty."

"Where?"

"In the bed!" he wailed forlornly, rubbing at his eyes.

"Oh buddy don't cry. It was an accident."

"It icky."

"I know. I'm so sorry, I should have woken you up to go potty before I put you down for a nap."

"Not mad?"

"No, I'm not mad. Let's get you in the tub and I'll wash your sheets okay?"

"Okay," he hiccupped, following her into the bathroom. She turned the water on and put some bubbles in while he sniffled and chewed on his finger.

"I'll be right back. Don't get in the tub without me okay?"

"M'kay mama."

He stood sadly against the wall, tugging on the towel that hung on the rack and feeling sorry for himself until she came back.

"I sorry mama," he said once he was settled in the water.

"You don't have to be sorry buddy. It was my mistake."

"But I in charge."

"I know, but sometimes when you're in charge you still need a little help. I fell down on the job. I'm sorry."

"It okay mama."

"Alright. We'll just forget all about it okay?"

"Okay."

"Can I have kisses?"

Grinning he leaned up and kissed her with a loud "mwah!"

"I have kisses?" he asked hopefully. She smiled and obliged holding onto that second in her heart when he still loved her the most.

"Let's wash your hair and then you can get out."

"No gettin' in eyes."

"I won't."

Soon he was clean and dressed and happy his bare feet slapping across the floor as he played with the cats.

"You left me," Adam grumbled crossing his arms as he walked into the room. Lindsay gave him a half smile and reached up to tame his hair.

"Sorry, I had to deal with an accident."

"Oh. I'm hungry, should we order dinner?"

"Nah, I've got a plan. Maybe you should go in the other room and teach Colton how to play Duck Hunt like you've been wanting to do for so long."

"Serious? I thought you said you didn't want him getting in a video game habit this young."

"I didn't but I don't think we can fight it. Go."

"You're the best. Colton, wanna play a game?"

"Game with daddy?"

"Oh yeah. Mama said okay."

"I play!" Colton hollered happily, jumping up and down. Lindsay smiled and abandoned her search through the fridge in favor of leaning against the counter and looking into the other room while Adam set the game up and Colton danced excitedly across the floor.

"Do you want to watch daddy first?"

"No, I do!"

"Alright, here you go bud. Shoot that duck."

"Bam, bam, bam!"

Lindsay giggled as she watched him, totally determined, his tongue sticking out of his mouth and squinting one eye as if he had been doing this all his life.

"Babe, he shoots like you," Adam remarked. "Better aim too, he just beat the first level."

"And that is where I can finally say that he is the perfect combination of us both."

"I don't think I've ever been more proud in my life."

She smiled and watched the boys together, Adam crouching down to help Colton as the levels got more difficult. The gentle way he helped to hold the gun or how he whispered instructions in his ear. Her heart clenched as Adam reached over and put his hand on Colton's shoulder, a steadying and encouraging touch as they bonded over something so simple. Tears sprung to her eyes as she watched, completely overwhelmed. Knowing that she was about to burst into real tears of complete joy, she went into the kitchen and composed herself.

"Honey, can you come here for a second?" she asked after a while.

"Yeah, what's up?"

She turned around from the sink and crossed the room quickly to him, nearly jumping into his waiting arms.

"What's this for?"

"You're amazing. I can't even say."

"Sweetie…"

"You are the best daddy in the whole world and I wish everyone had a daddy like you. I know how lucky we are but today I see that it's more than I thought yesterday. And tomorrow will be more than today."

He smiled and touched their foreheads together gently before cupping her face and kissing her softly. There were no more words needed for the few she had spoke were more valuable standing out in the open like that than bookended with more. They were words she said often in some form or another, but never with so much gratitude laid out for him, as if he had taken the harder path in marrying the woman he loved and raising his own child. But no matter what was said between them, they would always be convinced that they had been blessed exceedingly and abundantly more than either of them had ever hoped or dreamed.


	96. Chapter 96

A/N: I've been meaning to for a long time and I haven't because I am so stinkin' lazy, but I want to take a second and thank all my reviewers. Sometimes it's hard to come up with anything to say but you guys always write reviews of substance and I appreciate that more than you know.

* * *

Colton reached as far as he could down into the bottom of the toybox, getting the last few items out and throwing them on the floor, crouching down to line them all up.

"What are you doing there buddy?" Lindsay asked, sighing because she had just gotten his room in order.

"I cleanin'," he said with a shrug.

"Don't you think cleaning means you should put it away?"

"No."

"Can you at least make sure your toys are put away before your Auntie Hannah gets here?"

"She play too," he decided.

"Yeah, she might want to, but let's put them away for now."

He sighed and stared down at the row of toys and then back up at her.

"Alright, leave them out, but before you go to bed we're going to put them away. Deal?"

"Deal mama," he said reaching his hand out to shake.

"My little negotiator. You gonna be a politician someday?"

"No mama I be a doctor."

"A doctor, really?"

"Uh-huh. I fix people."

She smiled and watched him as he carefully lined up the toys again, this time sorting them by color.

"Mama, when Hannah coming?"

"Daddy went to pick her up at the airport. They should be back soon."

"We can go outside?"

"Yeah, after lunch we'll go play outside."

"In the dirt?"

"Why not?" she chuckled.

He smiled at her and stood up, walking over to hug her legs, his forehead resting against her stomach.

"Baby come soon?"

"We still have a while to wait buddy."

He sighed.

"Tomorrow?"

"I wish. But it's still gotta get bigger."

"It kick me," he giggled at the slight movement.

"Yep. It's just saying hi to its big brother."

"Hi baby," he said. "Get big fast."

She smiled and crouched down to hug him, overcome with how much care he was already showing for his unborn sibling.

"Mama, the baby sleep in my bed?"

"No, the baby is going to sleep in the crib. Remember, that's why we had to move, so we could have more room."

"Crib in here," he clarified.

"Yes, in here."

He nodded and wiggled out of her arms.

"Baby need toys," he said, tossing a handful of miscellaneous toys into the crib.

"Colton."

"What?"

"Oh never mind."

"Baby bed, Colton bed, Hannah bed," he said, pointing to the crib, the toddler bed and the twin size.

"Yep, for now. I need to go make some lunch, are you going to stay in here and play?"

"Yeah."

She went back out to the kitchen, glad they had been able to get completely moved in and organized before Hannah's visit. It had helped that the new place was in the same building but just on a different floor, so the move hadn't really been that hard. And because of her early nesting tendencies, she'd ended up throwing out and giving away a lot of stuff that they had absolutely no use for.

She opened the windows, loving how quiet their neighborhood was in the morning and how sometimes she couldn't smell so much of the city on the air. Summer was so peaceful here, especially in the morning when things were slow and lazy. Things became a lot simpler when the birds chirped outside.

The door opened and Adam and Hannah came inside, laughing together over something that probably wouldn't make sense to anyone else.

"You know how grandma is, Adam. Don't pretend you're surprised."

"She's kooky, but you got her genes."

"Hey!"

She punched his arm and he tweaked her hair, renewing their sibling battle of picking on each other.

"Hi Lindsay!"

"Hi Hannie. Has Adam been picking on you the whole way home?"

"Yep," Hannah grinned, tucking her hair behind her ear. "It's okay, I'm better at it."

"That's my girl."

"Daddy home, daddy home!" Colton hollered, running out of his room and crashing into Adam's legs.

"Hey bud."

"Hi daddy. Hi Hannah. You come play."

He grabbed her hand and drug her into the other room, chattering excitedly while she tried to figure out what he was saying.

"I told Colton we'd go outside after lunch. Now I'm thinking about eating lunch outside because it's way too nice to be stuck in here."

"Sounds like a good plan. Hannah wanted to know if you would teach her how to make that apple pie you made when we were down there."

"She remembers that?"

"She claims it blew her mind."

"I'd love to teach her."

"Want me to help you make lunch and we can get out of here?"

"Sure."

"So what are we making?"

"I don't know."

"Sounds like a plan," he smiled as Colton ran through the kitchen.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Shh, I hidin'," he said, holding a finger up to his lips.

"Whoops, sorry."

Colton shrugged and continued his escape, most likely hiding under the blanket on the couch.

"She's going to be playing this non-stop for five days," Lindsay said. "Should we warn her?"

"Tomorrow."

"Okay."

They continued their search through the fridge and cupboards, coming up with enough ingredients to make a fairly healthy lunch that didn't include one ounce of take out.

"I'm kind of surprised at us for this," Adam commented.

"It if wasn't for the killer pregnancy heartburn we would at least have some pizza in here."

"So heartburn makes us healthy?"

"Apparently so."

"And how is the little garbonzo bean this morning?"

"First, you're going to have to think of another obscure food to compare our offspring to, and second, currently in love with rolling over."

"Box of butter."

"What?"

"A box of butter weighs a pound and so does fetus."

"I like that you're on board with never using gender specific pronouns for fear that we might let slip what's in there, but don't ever say fetus again, it sounds like the Discovery Channel."

"Developing progeny?"

"Sure, we'll go with that."

"Are you the only woman on earth that doesn't gain weight when pregnant?"

"I wasn't meaning to be snippy."

"I know, and I wasn't meaning to placate you. I just really think you're beautiful."

"Now you're meaning to make me swoon," she accused with a smile.

"That's what got us into this."

"Hush, your sister can hear and she's not clueless."

"She's ten!"

"She's not clueless."

"How old were you when you became not clueless on the whole birds and the bees issue?"

"I had brothers and I went to public school. I was never clueless, but it took a long time to separate the fact from the fiction."

"I don't think I'm comfortable with my sweet baby sister knowing anything about that. I'm going to convince her of the validity of the stork."

"Right, while I stand here five months pregnant."

"You have no idea of my powers of persuasion."

"Yes I do. That's what got us into this the first time."

He chuckled and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"Have I mentioned how much I love our conversations where we never really say much?"

"Well you never said you do, but…"

"Thanks for keeping up with the mental hyperactivity."

"You're welcome."

* * *

"What are you watching?"

Adam turned around at the voice, finding Hannah standing by the couch, one of her dad's old t-shirts falling well past her knees.

"Old reruns of _The Cosby Show_. What are you doin' up sis, I thought you went to bed."

"I did, but then I woke up. I kind of had a bad dream."

"Wanna tell me about it?" he asked, patting the couch cushion next to him.

"No," she sighed, sitting down next to him. "Where's Lindsay?"

"She went to bed a while ago. She has to be up pretty early. Wanna watch with me for a while?"

"Yeah."

He could feel homesickness coming off her in waves, and he wrapped his arm tightly around her shoulders. The excitement of going to the city all by herself for vacation had worn off and he knew she just wanted to go home. She'd be fine by morning.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"When I grow up are you still gonna love me?"

"Of course, squirt."

"Even though I won't be your little sister anymore?"

"You'll always be my little sister."

"But I won't be little."

"Little sister is more a state of mind than a state of being."

"What?"

"Let's put it this way. Every time I look at you, I still see a tiny, fat cheeked newborn with big blue eyes, wrapped up in a pink blanket and looking like a chubby burrito. And that means you're always my little sister."

"How old were you when I was born?"

"Twenty-four."

"How come mom never had any other kids?"

"I think it's because I'm a handful enough. She had to get me raised and out of the house before she could risk it."

"She did not."

"Yes she did. And then she had you and realized that you're a handful just as much as me."

"I'm not either, Adam!"

"Yes you are and we both got it from her."

"You mean mom was a handful?"

"Ask great-grandpa next time you see him. He'll tell you."

"Okay," she giggled, snuggling into his side. They watched TV for almost a whole episode before she said anything, sitting up and tucking her hair behind her ear.

"But for reals, how come?"

"How come mom didn't have other kids?"

"Yeah."

"My father wasn't a very nice guy, squirt. He was the complete opposite of your dad. It's kind of a long story, but it was a good idea that mom didn't have more kids until she got to you. Okay?"

"Was he mean to mom or mean to you?"

"He was mean to both of us. Now that's enough of that story."

"Is that why you call my dad dad even though he's not your dad?"

"Yeah."

"How old were you when they got married?"

"I was twenty-two."

"Did you like him right away?"

"Yeah. He makes mom happy and he loves her and that's the most important thing. Plus if they never got married, I wouldn't have you, would I?"

"Nope. And I'm one of a kind."

"We're just trying to figure out what kind that is."

She chuckled and leaned against him again.

"Adam, do you love me as much as you love Colton and the new baby?"

"I love you different than I love them. You are the only sister I have in the whole entire world. And I love you the most that I possibly can."

"Promise-trust?"

"Promise-trust forever."

She nodded and yawned forgetting the homesickness while the old sitcom played out in front of them. She missed her big brother terribly when they were apart and would rather be with him than almost anyone else in the world.

She gave in to sleep a little while later, and Adam turned the TV off before pulling her into his lap and standing up. She was so much heavier now than she had been ten years ago, but he held her against him just as he had that night, feeling a surge of love and protectiveness all over again. Carefully he laid her down in her bed, tucking the covers around her and pressing a kiss to her cheek before checking on Colton and leaving the room.

Lindsay was curled up in the middle of the bed, having commandeered his pillow and most of the blankets even though it was the dead of summer and there was no reason to have blankets in the first place. He slid in next to her, moving her gently so he could have his pillow back and she could use his shoulder for the same purpose. She sighed and snuggled into him and he laid still, hoping she wouldn't wake up.

"What time is it?"

"Go back to sleep."

"But what time is it?"

"I said go back to sleep."

"And I said what time is it?"

"It's midnight. Now go back to sleep."

"Is Hannah okay? I heard her get up."

"Starting a conversation is the very opposite of what you're supposed to be doing right now."

"I don't do what you say."

"Don't argue with me."

"Okay."

He chuckled and reached down to rub her stomach lightly.

"Don't wake up the baby."

"Why?"

"Because then there's movement and I can't sleep."

"What's it feel like?"

"Now you want to start a conversation?" she mumbled with a yawn

He didn't answer, just grinned and kissed her while she rolled her eyes.

"It feels like… um… the same way it feels on your hand but on the inside."

"Well, yeah. But what does it feel like?"

"I don't know. Like your heartbeat has a purpose. A dancer."

He just stared down at her in wonderment and jealousy of her description.

"You're really poetic for being only half awake."

"It's part of my charm."

"Well charming, can I kiss you goodnight?"

"Only if you know what's good for you."

He covered her lips with his, engaging her for just a little longer than he had planned.

"Goodnight, love."

"Night."

She drifted back to sleep and he held her close, happy to have his whole world together in these four walls.


	97. Chapter 97

"The vic was out by herself, in the middle of the night, wearing slippers and pajamas. I can see running down the street to the store like that, but she was four miles away from her house," Jo said with a sigh before leaning back in her chair.

"It doesn't track," Lindsay agreed from her spot on the rarely used office couch. "I mean, maybe it does for her, but I'm just not that lazy. Usually. Sometimes when I'm pregnant. But not usually."

"Well now that we've cleared that up," Jo chuckled. "Are you laying down on the job?"

"I didn't mean to," Lindsay yawned, rubbing her eyes. "I just sort of have this problem with being upright too long. My ankles swell up, my knees swell up, my hips… well let's just say that if Adam calls me Shakira one more time, I'm gonna smack him."

"The seventh month is a friend to us all. Insomnia?"

"I've been reading a lot late at night."

"When I was pregnant with Tyler I walked up and down the hallway for hours every night. I slept fine during the day, but at night it was a lost cause."

"Exactly. Plus they started me on some kind of steroid or something that I can't even remember right now so the baby's grown a little faster than my body can handle."

"Why steroids?"

"Colton was six weeks early and they want to make sure that the baby's going to be alright if I go into labor early this time too. It's not much but it's enough to make a difference."

"I didn't know he was early."

"Yeah. I have to see my doctor every two weeks now to make sure everything is alright."

"Stressed?"

"Not entirely. Adam's stressed enough for both of us. He's been doing dad math."

"Our kids better be smart because they're not going to college unless they get scholarships?"

"Exactly. And he's already worried about how he's going to take care of both kids while I'm at work."

"He's got a long time before that happens."

"I plan for things, he worries about the plans falling through."

"You two really found each other didn't you?"

"Guess so. And now I can't lay down anymore because I can't breathe," she said, carefully sitting up. She was dizzy for a second, but took a deep breath and regained herself while the phone rang.

"Danville. Oh hi Adam. Yeah, she's right here."

Jo tossed the phone to Lindsay who took it and yawned.

"Hey honey."

"You weren't answering your cell."

"I left it in the other room. What's the matter?"

"Now don't freak out…"

"Darling if you want me to not freak out don't preface what you're going to tell me by warning me not to freak out. It's counterintuitive."

"Before I start, just know that he's okay."

"Adam, what happened?" she asked, panic rising in her chest.

"Okay so I was only in the other room for a second and Colton was playing and I'm not sure exactly what happened but he jumped off the chair and fell against the bookcase and got a big gash in his ear and his arm's pretty banged up. He's okay though, he's not crying anymore."

"Where are you?"

"We're in the emergency room. He's got a lollipop laced with somethin' and a big goofy grin on his face. They'll be back to do stitches soon and then they're taking him up for an X-ray."

"I'm coming down there."

"Babe, don't panic, he's fine."

"I'll be right there."

"Linds-"

"I am not going to let my little boy sit there and get stitches without me."

"Okay, I'm just asking you to please not freak out because you need a clear head to drive."

"I know."

"Be safe."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Everything okay?" Jo asked once the phone had clicked off.

"Yeah. Sometimes I just don't take into account the fact that my son is a boy."

"And that he has his father's clumsiness and your penchant for finding trouble."

"I wonder if the emergency room has a punch card. Between Colton and Isa, I am sure we're all going to get very familiar with the place."

"Probably. Go take care of your baby."

"Thanks."

* * *

"Now just what were you doing?" Lindsay asked, brushing Colton's hair off of his forehead and checking out the stitches on his ear.

"I play Superhero mama. I fall."

"Yeah, I know."

"In trouble?"

"No, I think you learned your lesson. No jumping off the furniture anymore."

"I jump on the big bed?"

"You can jump on the big bed, but not by yourself. Fair enough?"

"Okay. You see my pictures?" he asked, pointing to the wall where his X-rays hung on the light board. "Not broken."

"They said it's not fractured but they want to keep it wrapped with a splint for a week." Adam explained, picking at the stray threads on the elastic wrap. Lindsay reached over and placed a hand on his back, knowing that he was feeling guilty.

"I sleepy," Colton said, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

"Why don't you rest your eyes for a bit until we can go home."

He nodded and she kissed his cheek before moving from the bed to sit down next to Adam.

"You okay honey?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"First time I felt like I failed at something important. Keeping him safe. When I heard him scream Linds, my heart stopped. And then the blood… I wasn't sure where it was coming from or how bad it was and he was crying so much."

"Adam," she started softly, scooting over and settling herself gently into his lap, not an easy task considering her temporary girth. "You didn't fail. This kind of thing happens all the time. It's what kids do."

"I couldn't make it better."

"You're not Doogie Houser."

"Very funny."

"I'm not trying to be funny. So he fell down and got hurt. No big deal."

"It wouldn't have happened if you were home."

"It could have. I don't watch his every move either. I command you this instant to stop feeling guilty. Okay?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Now kiss me and forget it."

"You always say that. You really think your kisses can fix the world?"

"Maybe not the whole world. But they can definitely rock your little corner of it."

"We need to work on our PDA problem. It gets worse the longer we're together."

"I think we just care less. We barely even held hands in public until after we were married. Austin once asked me if we were just getting married so we could play video games whenever we wanted."

"Well that was part of it," he said with a shrug. "I didn't get the ring until I knew for sure that you could beat Super Mario Bros. without cheats."

"I earned this sucker."

"You did, with three lives left over."

She smiled and leaned against him letting herself be calm and hoping he would take her cues because she could still feel the anxiety in his body. He poured every bit of himself into being a good husband and a good father and she knew how hard it was on him when something like this happened. It wasn't a big deal, but the love of her life was a closet perfectionist and he saw himself as the protector of their family, the one responsible for their day to day well-being. Not that the guilt would eat at him, it would go away soon, but she didn't want it to get worse.

"We should get milkshakes on the way home," she said, her voice bright. "That cures every bump and bruise you could imagine."

"Very true."

"Did you drive?"

"I called a cab. I was holding a towel to his ear and I didn't think I could drive and do that at the same time."

"Good thinking. I would probably have sat there freaking out and ended up calling you to come get us."

"Maybe."

"Is there um… blood everywhere?"

"Nah, I caught most of it with my shirt. Don't look."

"I won't. Hey, tonight's family dinner, should I call Austin and cancel?"

"Nah, as long as he doesn't run around too much he should be fine. We can always leave if it's too much for him. Besides, he hasn't seen the girls in weeks, it might make him feel better."

"It always seems to."

"I think it's good for all of us. I'm glad we started doing it."

"You know, I think the kids are going to grow up thinking they're actually related."

"We're family by choice. Best kind there is."

* * *

"Hey it's the most recent member of the emergency room club," Austin greeted later that night. "Gimme five dude."

Colton giggled and smacked her hand with his good one before she pulled him into a hug.

"Were you a brave boy?"

"Yep. I not scared. Daddy fix it all better."

"Oh he did huh?"

"With the doctor. I can go play now?"

"Are you forgetting something?" she asked, holding her pinkie out. He grinned and hooked his tiny finger with hers and they shook a few times before she released him.

"Isa!" he shouted. "Lookit, I got owwie!"

"Hurts?" she asked, staring at it in awe. She fell down a lot and got bumps and bruises, but nothing a band-aid couldn't cure.

"It not hurt now. I fall down and I cry. But I got candy."

"Candy?" she asked, her face brightening at the prospect.

"Uh-huh."

She looked down at the splint then smiled and took his other hand, pulling him over to the pile of books that she and Sarah had made on the floor.

"See Colt?"

"Lotsa books. We read?"

"Okay."

They sat down and began to flip through the books quietly and calmly, a far cry from how they normally were together. Sarah stumbled over to them, having just mastered the art of walking a few weeks prior at her birthday party. She crouched down and teary-eyed patted the splint, then gently touched the small bandage on his ear.

"I okay baby Sa'ah," he assured. She nodded and sat down next to him and shared the book he was reading while their parents all worked in the kitchen.

"I have," Isa said suddenly, taking the book from him. "Colt have."

He took the offered book and opened it, making sure to show Sarah the pages before he turned them.

"Hey, who's ready for dinner?" Danny asked.

"Me!"

The kids got up and rushed into the kitchen, Sarah grabbing the leg of her high chair in anticipation of food, while Isa and Colton climbed up into the kitchen table chairs.

"You two had better be careful," Danny warned, putting a hand on each of them to keep them from falling. "We can't handle no more accidents today."

"I tough, Unca Danny."

"We don't want you to use up all your toughness before you're three, sport."

"Oh, okay. I careful."

They all sat down to dinner, eating and talking while Isa and Colton played musical laps until they figured out which adult they wanted to sit with.

"Dum-Dum?" Isa said, jamming a spoon into Adam's mashed potatoes.

"What princess?"

"Eat."

"No thanks. You can have that."

Austin glared at him good-naturedly from across the table. She would have preferred a much less girly nickname for her much less girly daughter.

"Hey, until you teach her that my name is not Dum-Dum, I'm callin' her that out of spite."

"She knows that's not your name, it's just how she says it!"

"With much encouragement from her mother."

"Lindsay thinks it's funny too!"

"Sorry babe, it's really cute."

"You got a cool nickname like Indy and I am stuck with mocking."

"I got called Leonard until I was… well my brothers still call me that. In high school they called you the Flash. Some of us don't get cool nicknames like that."

"They only called me the Flash because right before I burned my eyebrows off that time my mix of chemicals made a huge flash, so really that was mocking too."

"Cupcake," Danny chuckled finishing off the lemonade in his glass.

"Okay, moving on to the part where we're not seven anymore, it's time for dads to do the dishes."

"We helped you guys set the table."

Austin just shot her husband a look and he sighed and stood up, gathering the plates and taking them to the sink.

"Adam?" Lindsay said, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm goin', I'm goin'."

"Let's retire to the parlor for cigars and brandy," Austin teased, wiping Colton's face off and setting him on the floor before turning around to get Sarah.

"Looks like someone is ready for bed," Lindsay remarked. Sarah was slumped over in her chair, sleeping with her head resting on a dinner roll.

"What is it with my children and their strange sleeping habits?"

"They're slowly starting a revolution."

"I'm so proud."

Austin went and tucked Sarah into bed, then joined Lindsay on the couch. Normally they would have sat on the floor to play with the kids, but since neither one of them could get up on their own, the floor wasn't an option anymore.

"So did I tell you?" Austin started, cracking her neck.

"What?"

"I have a feeling this is going to be our last baby."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Three seems good for us. Just chaotic enough but not so insane that it doesn't make sense."

"Three seems good. I can see you with three."

"When are you guys gonna be done?"

"Eh, someday. Whenever."

"As long as you at least get a boy and a girl."

"Yeah."

"So is that what you're going to end up with, a boy and a girl?"

"Austin, I am not going to tell you. I've kept it a secret for months now and I promised Adam so… sorry."

"You guys are just mean."

"Noted. Colton, would you stop chasing Isa?"

"She runnin' away!"

"Yeah because you're bugging her," she said as Isa climbed up onto the couch.

"But I play," he grumped.

"No," Isa growled. "Go bye."

"Sometimes girls just think boys are icky," Austin commiserated, pulling Colton into her lap. "It's one of the things that will always drive you nuts. Don't worry, Isa still loves you."

"I love Isa," he yawned.

"Who else do you love?"

"Mama. Daddy. Tater. Baby Sa'ah. Unca Danny. And Au'tin!"

"You really love all of us huh?"

"Yep," he confirmed, snuggling into her lap.

"My mommy!" Isa whined.

"You have my mama," Colton grinned. Isa looked up at Lindsay and smiled, climbing into her lap and snuggling against her happily.

"My Indy."

"My Au'tin."

"Well that's the most precious thing I've ever heard," Lindsay said, kissing the top of Isa's head.

"I think my heart just exploded. I love it."

"Me too."

The kids continued their conversation with each other sleepily as it was getting close to their bedtime. They smiled and reached out to hold hands a few times, perfectly content with where they were, being held by someone other than their mothers. Sometimes it didn't really matter.

"We'd better go," Lindsay said as Colton started to fall asleep. "I'm not sure how we're going to do this whole changing clothes thing with that stupid splint."

"You'll figure it out. Or he'll go topless for a week."

"Like spring break."

"Exactly."

They got up from the couch carefully, swapping kids, despite the protests. Adam and Danny were deep in discussion about fantasy football, a subject neither of the girls could get into, no matter how much they loved regular football.

"Are we gettin' outta here?" Adam asked.

"Yeah, he's suddenly wiped out."

"Failing at heroics can have that effect on a guy."

"Our place next week?" Lindsay offered, adjusting Colton in her arms so most of his body weight wasn't resting on her stomach.

"Sounds good," Austin agreed, reaching over to hug her. "Thanks for bein' the sister I never had."

"Thanks for bein' mine too," Lindsay replied with a grin.

"Take care of that boy."

"I will. Colton say bye."

He gave a yawn and a wave and was out like a light.

The two families that were really more like one said their goodbyes and the smaller half headed out into the night.


	98. Chapter 98

Fifteen minutes after she woke up, she already felt like it had been a long day. Traffic was horrible and she couldn't have coffee and crouching down at crime scenes to take pictures or gather trace was getting so difficult that she had to have someone help her up. No one ever said pregnancy was dignified, and had she not been partners with Danny so long her inabilities would have been embarrassing. As it stood, she was just annoyed. It was even getting hard to get close enough to the tables in the lab to look through the microscopes.

Sleep was nearly non-existent, and her emotions were all over the place. She'd been getting upset over the dumbest things, raising her voice to Adam and Colton almost without reason and then crying with guilt later. Adam had been so understanding, never fighting back, just reaching out and hugging her until she leveled out.

But from morning until night, she could feel her nerves sizzling and with over a month left to go, she was almost frantic to be done being pregnant. She tried so hard not to be despondent, to not complain about the aches and discomforts and to enjoy this time because it would end and she would miss it. But she wanted to hold the baby in her arms, see how their family would change with the addition of another child. Colton was excited beyond belief, constantly asking her when the baby was coming and why they had to wait so long and telling her all the things he wanted to do when he was a big brother. Adam was nearly on the edge of his seat, unable to wait just a few more weeks, less nervous now than the first time because he knew better what to expect. She wondered if they were really ready, forgetting all the difficulties in the wake of anticipation. She was certain they could handle it, and could only see happiness from here on out.

Sighing, she leaned against the elevator wall, two bags of groceries in one hand and her keys in the other. She'd just stopped into the bodega for paper towels, but had made the mistake of calling Adam to ask if they needed anything else. He'd given her a random list that didn't seem to track with the one she had written on the pad in the kitchen, but she was too tired to argue. Nearly thirty dollars later, she was almost home and could think of nothing but a hot bubble bath and going to bed early.

"I'm home," she called, dropping the bags on the table. She could hear giggling from Colton's room and she went in that direction, finding the boys playing with the bowling set.

"Strike!" Colton hollered as he knocked down all the alien pins. "I save the world daddy!"

"Yes you did."

"Mama! You see me do?"

"I did see. You're a better bowler than I'll ever be."

"You have good day?"

"Well, it was okay. Mama needs chocolate."

His face lit up and he jumped up and down happily."

"Daddy maked brownies! It's chocklit!"

"That's why daddy is the best," she smiled as Adam crossed the room to her.

"You didn't see it, did you?" he asked, a mischievous grin on his face as he kissed her.

"See what?"

"I got you something. It's in the other room."

"What is it?"

"You'll have to find it."

"I know, mama! It's a-"

Adam clapped his hand over Colton's mouth before he could give the surprise away.

"Don't tell her, she's gotta go see it."

"Okay."

"Should I be worried?"

"Nope."

Casting him a sidelong glance she went back into the front room, stopping in her tracks halfway there.

"Adam. How did you… what did you… when…"

She couldn't find the words as she stared at the piano sitting in the corner of the room. She'd mentioned once or twice that she wanted to play again, but they had never had room before.

"We went antiquing last week," he answered.

"I find it, mama," Colton said proudly, walking over and pulling the bench out.

"It's beautiful," she said, loving the faded white paint and the distressed wood and the little chip in the corner and the one key that was missing its white veneer. She ran her fingers across the keys, imagining how many hundreds of other fingers had done just the same, creating countless pieces of music over the years.

"Do you like it?" Adam asked hesitantly.

"It's perfect. It's exactly the one I would have picked. How did you know?"

"It just seemed like you. It needs to be tuned and cleaned, but I've got a guy coming tomorrow morning to do all that."

"Why did you do this?" she asked, her eyes filling with tears.

"Because. Everything's been so hard lately and you've been tired and miserable and I just wanted to give you something to help. I know it doesn't make your back hurt less or make time speed up, but I still think you needed this."

Her arms flew around him and she kissed him as tears ran down her face.

"You're amazing."

"You deserve it."

"I think the bag of sugar likes it too," she said as the baby rolled over and gave her several gentle kicks.

"Maybe we've got a musician floating around in there," he said, running his hand over her stomach.

"Maybe so."

"Mama, you play music?" Colton asked, pointing at the keys.

"I don't know if it will sound very good," she said, joining him on the bench and playing a simple scale.

"Again, do it again!"

She grinned and played the few notes again, finding that the piano wasn't as out of tune as it could have been, not even enough to offend her musical sensibilities.

"You play a song mama," he suggested. She could tell he wanted badly to touch the keys himself, so she pulled him into her lap and put his hands on the appropriate keys with hers over the top. It took a moment to find their rhythm, but they finally eeked out a decent version of _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star_.

"It fun. More. Daddy too."

Adam sat down with them and played the one simple song that still stuck in his mind from his piano lessons over twenty years before.

"Again daddy."

He played it once more, noticing that Lindsay was plunking out the harmony on the other end of the board. He looked over at her and winked, and she grinned.

"'Nother one!"

"He's a fan of live music."

"I guess."

"Play somethin' else Linds."

She bit her lip and stared at the keys for a moment before her fingers flew across them, recreating a sonata from memory. It was a simple one, but she still tapped it out on a flat surface whenever she happened to hear it.

"What was that?" Adam asked when she had finished.

"Mozart. Though I couldn't tell you which one."

"The baby dancin'," Colton reported happily. "For mama's music."

Adam placed his hand on the other side of her stomach as she started to play again. The baby surely was doing dance like motions, as much as it could in such a space. It was so simple, all of them sitting there together, the music floating around them peacefully. For a moment she forgot the pain in her joints, the exhaustion, the aches, the worries, and she melted into the symphony they were creating.


	99. Chapter 99

"I think this is the first "Happy Maternity Leave" party that has ever been thrown in the history of the world," Austin chuckled with a shake of her head.

"It's really a baby shower but if I would have called it that, the guys never would have shown up," Jo replied with a grin. Everyone was gathered in the small back room of a restaurant, eating cupcakes and trying to figure out who was going to deliver a bigger baby.

"Either way, it's pretty awesome. Of course at this point just getting out of the house is awesome, but this includes ice-cream," Lindsay commented. Austin nodded and gave her a fist bump while Jo chuckled.

"I was hoping that maybe all the baby talk would force Lindsay to tell us what she's having."

"She won't tell. I've tried Jo. Everything I can think of and she won't tell."

"You'll find out soon enough. Just be patient."

"I even tried asking Colton and he said "No, it's a secret, you have a big mouth." I don't think he came up with that on his own."

"Not entirely but you do have a big mouth, Aust. And how dare you try to manipulate a toddler into spilling the beans?"

"If the roles were reversed you'd ask Isa wouldn't you?"

"Absolutely."

"Well I've got a feeling," Jo said, playing with her necklace. "I think it's a girl."

"I dunno," Lindsay shrugged.

"You do know," Austin accused with a crook of her eyebrow.

"Yeah, I know, but saying that I don't is the only answer I can say."

"You don't know. You're just telling everyone that you know to drive us all crazy, but you really don't know."

"I do know, I just can't say, so it's almost like I don't know."

"But you DO know."

"Yes but pretend I don't."

"But I know you know!"

"Then you should know that just because I know, doesn't mean you're gonna know."

"You know what…"

"I know something you don't know?"

"You're lucky I love you so much Linds."

"Yeah. I know."

"You two make me dizzy," Jo laughed.

"Maybe that's why are we the…" Lindsay trailed off.

"What?"

"I don't know."

Jo laughed and shook her head as Jess walked over.

"First, how do I always end up in conversations with a bunch of boys?"

"Because you're one of them."

"Second, guess who's here?"

"Who?"

"Well look!" she said pointing to the door.

"Stella!" Austin squealed, jumping off her chair and crossing the room, Lindsay right on her heels. They both crashed into her with hugs and giggles, completely surprised.

"What are you doing here?"

"Touring Rikers. What do you think I'm doing here? You're both about to give birth, I wasn't going to miss it."

"I missed you, I missed you!" Austin said with a grin. "I feel totally like a fangirl right now."

"I'm missed you guys too. So much. And the kids are all grown up and huge huh?"

"Completely grown up. Driving already," Lindsay teased.

"Oh stop it."

About that time everyone seemed to notice the presence of their New Orleans counterpart and converged on her with hugs and stories of what she had missed.

"Okay cat who ate the canary," Lindsay started, looking at Jo who had an enormous smile on her face. "What did you do?"

"I wanted to do this party for you guys and I called her to see if she would come up. I know you both miss her, especially Austin. Anyway, Stella said she wasn't going to miss both of you this pregnant so… here she is."

"You have no idea how much… thanks."

"You're welcome."

"Where's she staying?"

"With me. She got in last night and told me Mac stories until one a.m."

"Nice. I'm glad you get along."

"It's no wonder you guys missed her so much."

"We'd miss you if you left too."

"Really?"

"Yes. Especially me. No one else understands when I confess that _All Jacked Up_ was my college theme song."

"Glad to be of service."

"Mama, I have cupcake?" Colton asked, hugging Lindsay's legs and staring up at her with huge eyes.

"How many did you have already?"

"Daddy give me one."

"Then you don't need any more right now. Besides you had cake for your birthday yesterday."

"I have juice?"

She gave him her glass of juice and he guzzled the whole thing, finishing with a smile.

"All gone. It tasty mama."

"Tasty huh? Where did you learn that word?"

"The TV. Yummo."

"You've been watching Food Network without me?"

"Bam!"

She snickered as Jo leaned down and picked him up.

"You're too cute for words. Do you know that?"

"I _very_ cute, Jo. Mama says."

"I'm sure she does."

"Mama say daddy cute too."

"Well that must be where you get it."

He grinned proudly.

"Mama, that Stella," he said, pointing over at her.

"I know. Do you remember Stella? It's been a long time since we saw her last."

"I know Stella, mama. She gives candy."

"Oh that's right. If it weren't for her you wouldn't be obsessed with Skittles."

"I love Skittles," he said with a nod.

"You have a sweet tooth like your daddy."

"Tooth like daddy?" he asked, wrinkling his forehead.

"It just means… oh never mind."

Jo chuckled and put him down, watching as he raced over to Adam, presumably to ask for a cupcake.

"Are you ready for number two?" Jo asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I'm ready to be done being pregnant at least. But yeah, we're ready."

"You're going to love it. Seeing siblings together… I just remember how Tyler was after we adopted Ellie. I think we got lucky but he just loved her immediately."

"I hope it works out that way. Colton seems to be pretty excited."

"He'll be a good big brother. Just look how he is with the girls."

Lindsay glanced over to see him helping Sarah off of a chair. He made sure she was safely on the ground, then gave her shoulder an affectionate pat and ran off to find Isa.

"Yeah, he'll be fine."

* * *

"So tell me the truth Bonasera. You still happy with your decision to move?"

Stella sighed and spun the ice around in her cup.

"Mostly. I love it down there and the work is good. I miss everyone here though."

"We're missable," Lindsay said with a smile.

"I can't believe how big the kids got in just a year. You need to send more pictures."

"I need to take more pictures. I barely have enough. Or we just need to have you visit more."

"Or you guys need to visit me."

"That's not a bad idea. We could use a vacation."

"Just don't come down on Mardi Gras."

"I have no problem with that," she chuckled. "How long are you here?"

"A week. So make sure you have that kid before I go."

"Don't jinx me, I'm already past my due date."

"Oh kiddo…"

"It's not so much fun, let me just say that."

"You're keeping your cool pretty well."

"I'd rather be late than early."

"Very true."

"Tomorrow I might not feel this way."

"Tomorrow you might have a baby."

"Or I might," Austin said as she sat down.

"Think so?"

"I just had a contraction."

"WHAT?"

"Shh. Danny's getting the girls and we're going to go but I don't want to make a big deal of it."

"You're going to call us later and let us know then right?"

"Yes."

"Good luck," Lindsay said, reaching over and hugging her. "I love you."

"I love you too. And you'll be soon, I know it."

"I hope so. Want us to take the girls?"

"Both grandma's are coming. We'll be okay."

"Love you, sweetie," Stella said, giving her a hug. "Let us know when it's over?"

"I will. Bye."

"And they're off," Lindsay said as she watched them leave. She could have felt left out, but the excitement for her friend was too great and she grinned. "How long do you think? Three hours?"

"I'm guessing before midnight."

"Danny's finally going to have his boy."

"I love this."

"I'm glad you're here. It would be incomplete without you."


	100. Chapter 100

A/N: Girlish squealing and flailing available upon request. Thank you SO MUCH for reading this far, for encouraging me to get to that 100th chapter and for laughing with me along the way. I still have a ton more planned for this story, so hold onto your hats Moss fans!

* * *

"It's not fair."

"Linds."

"I'm pregnanter than her! And she gets to sit in the hospital and hold her brand new baby and I'm still sitting here at home with blimpy ankles and insomia and a toddler just walkin' around in my stomach and kicking me in the lungs."

"Honey."

"Why can't I just give birth already? I'm so overdue I can't see straight and that was after the doctor switched my due date and I really want to just be done."

"Linds. Stop."

"I'm cranky."

"You're supposed to be."

"I'm wasting my maternity leave sitting here still pregnant."

"Linds, the baby will come when it comes. Get over here."

She sighed and walked over to the couch letting him pull her down into his lap. His arms wrapped around her and he kissed her forehead softly.

"I know you're frustrated. I know nothing I say right now can make you less frustrated, and I think you have every right to be frustrated."

"But?"

"But nothing. I just need you to know that I'm commiserating with you even if you don't feel like I am."

"I know you are. I don't want to be grumpy. I really don't. I'm just so…"

"I know," he said, rubbing her arms. "Do you want to get distracted?"

She arched an eyebrow.

"In what way?"

"Well I was thinking I could go to the store and get a lot of junk food since you're allowed to eat that right now, and I could come back home and maybe we could play some Mario Kart and then maybe do one of those five hundred piece puzzles, and maybe a paint by number and then maybe alphabetize our DVD's and then-"

"Let's just start with the junk food and the video games," she chuckled. "See how far we get."

"Alright. Should I leave now?"

"Yeah."

"I kinda like having you right here though."

"I'll be here when you get back."

"Alright," he said, untangling himself from her and standing up. "Colton, you want a snack?"

"Cheetos!" he chirped from his spot on the floor where he was diligently completing a coloring book.

"Cheetos it is. I'll be right back."

He took his coat and left while Lindsay giggled and ran her hand over her stomach. She might be anxious to give birth, but she knew she was going to miss the feeling of the baby moving inside her, even if it did keep her awake or make it hard to breathe sometimes.

"Mama?" Colton whispered, grabbing her face and leaning in close.

"What?"

"I can't wait for my Cheetos."

She snorted a laugh and pulled him into her arms, kissing his cheek.

"Do you know that I love you?"

"Yep."

"Do you know how much?"

"Forever and ever and more and more," he answered automatically.

"I'll always love you, no matter what. And when the baby gets here you might feel a little left out, but I still love you. You're my first baby."

"Not a baby, mama."

"I know. But you used to be and you were the first one I ever had. You're my first big boy too."

"Oh. You love the baby?"

"Yes, I do."

"Me too," he said with a nod, leaning down to kiss her stomach. "I take care of baby?"

"Yeah. Me and daddy are going to need your help. You get to be the big brother. That's a hard job. You have to be a good example."

"What's that?"

"It's like when daddy shows you how to do something so you can learn."

"Oh. I teach the baby?"

"Yeah."

"I do good job mama."

"I know you will," she said, yawning and running her fingers through his hair. "Hey, how do you feel about getting a quick hair cut?"

"Okay."

He hopped off the couch and went into the kitchen, dragging a chair into the middle of the floor before she caught up to him. He sat down backwards in the chair and she found a comb, a spray bottle, and the scissors. He'd stripped his shirt off, used to this haircutting routine simply because they had to do it so often. She'd gotten quite proficient at it and set to work quickly, snipping here and there until they had acquired a pile of curls on the floor and the hair that remained on his head look virtually untouched.

"All done," she said, ruffling his hair to make his curls into loose waves more like Adam's.

"Mama, when I have beard like daddy?"

"Oh, not for a long time."

"But I big boy."

"I know, but you have to be an old boy first."

"Okay."

She put his shirt back on him and was sweeping the floor when Adam returned.

"Here ya go bud."

"My Cheetos! My Cheetos! Mama, look, my Cheetos!"

"I know," she chuckled as she finished cleaning up.

"I eat now?"

"Yeah, but don't spill on the floor."

He skipped happily into the other room, holding his snack against him as if it were gold.

"Is that our fault?" Lindsay asked as she watched him.

"Could be. Is that bad?"

"Probably not."

* * *

"How am I in fourth place? FOURTH! This does not happen to me!" Lindsay said as her go-kart flew past the finish line, just a pixel away from being in third.

"I don't know babe, maybe just bad luck. I mean, you totally saw the bridge coming and still managed to fall into the lava."

"And then that stupid cloud set me down right in front of Bowser who had star power and blew me right back into the lava."

"This is the worst day of your life."

She smirked and settled back against him, waiting for the game to start up again. He had known exactly what she needed to relax her mind and she hadn't thought of the discomfort in hours. Colton was asleep on the floor next to them, his coloring and Cheetos long forgotten, his head pillowed on his sock monkey.

"Do you need to move or are you okay?" Adam asked, tucking her hair behind her ear and kissing her cheek.

"I'm okay. Could you do me a huge favor though?"

"What's that?"

"Stop jabbing me in the stomach with the controller."

"I knew this wasn't the best gaming idea," he said. "The baby kicked my thumb off the joystick."

She snorted a laugh and he tickled her side.

"Get your mind outta the gutter."

"Stop sayin' things that are so guttery."

"Is that a word?"

"My mental spell check says yes."

"Well alright then."

The next race started up and they both button smashed, determined to finish better than last time.

"Yeah, Peach's got it!" Adam mocked as a pink kart drove past him.

"Yeah, if it is syphilis."

"Linds!"

"What? You think Bowser has her up in that castle doing nothing?"

"You're depraved."

"You think Mario is a girl in disguise!"

"Have you heard his voice?"

"Yeah, it sounds like you when you get nervous."

"Excuse me?"

"It's okay, I know you're a boy."

"Wow."

"Watch out, bananas on the jump."

"That's how I know you love me."

"I do what I can."

"Drop back into second, I fired a blue shell."

"You so love me back."

"It's mostly self preservation."

"Either way."

They continued to race, Lindsay being so overcome with laughter at one point that she had tears streaming down her face and couldn't finish the course, making Adam do it for her.

"It wasn't that funny babe."

"I don't even remember what I'm laughing for," she mumbled as fresh giggles bubbled out. "What did you say?"

"I don't know," he chuckled, brushing the laughter tears from her face.

"I can't stop."

"No kidding."

She'd never before been so blissfully unable to breathe before and the laughter continued despite her best efforts to settle down. Adam had started in too, not because of what was said, but because of how delighted she was with it. In these moments he fell desperately in love with her again, to the point where his thinking got fuzzy and all he could see was her smile and all he wanted was for this moment to never end.

Her laughter stopped suddenly and her face changed to one of surprise.

"What?"

"Either I laughed so hard I peed or my water just broke. And I have amazing bladder control so um… want to help me up?"

"Are you serious?" he asked, standing up and helping her to her feet.

"I don't know."

"What should we do?"

"I'm going to waddle over to the bathroom because I actually do have to pee for real and you can pace across the floor until I'm done."

"Alright."

She moved into the other room while he cleaned up their junk food and Nintendo mess on the floor, taking a minute to move Colton up to the couch where he would be more comfortable.

"We'd better go," Lindsay said, one hand on her back as she tried to slide into her shoes.

"For real?"

"I just had the mother of all contractions and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need some drugs."

"Okay. Okay, what do I do?"

"I don't know, I'm just supposed to stand here in pain, I don't know your cues."

"We need someone to watch Colton, right?"

"That would be the first priority, yes," she agreed, amused at his state of panic.

"So I should call… uh…"

"Call Faye, she can be here the fastest," she answered, referring to Colton's sometimes babysitter that lived down the hall and spoiled him rotten because she had no grandchildren of her own.

"Right, that makes sense."

"I'm going to go and get the bags. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine."

She smiled and walked over to him, placing a hand on his arm.

"Adam, it's okay. It's going to be fine. All you need to do is hold my hand."

He nodded and leaned down to kiss her.

"I'm alright. I just don't want you to not be okay."

"I'll be alright. I'll be cursin', but I'll be alright."

"That's the game plan?"

"I think it's good. Because at the end we get a baby."

"Yeah, we do," he said, the thought calming him and allowing him to think straight.

"So I'll get the bags and you procure child care."

"I'm glad you're on my team Linds."

* * *

It was a long labor, despite being pretty far along upon arrival at the hospital. Things seemed to slow down in the sterile environment, and they had probably clocked two miles walking around the maternity ward. They were both exhausted and nothing seemed to progress until she'd been in active labor for almost ten hours. All of it meant nothing though, once it was over.

She'd missed this moment the first time around. She'd been too far gone then, passed out from blood loss and unable to even see him until he was hours old. This time everything went in slow motion. From the first few pushes until she knew the baby had arrived, from the "It's a boy!" to the new bundle being placed on her chest, his cries soft before his eyes opened and he stared at her- the first thing he ever saw. They contemplated each other quietly for a moment, breathlessly on her part.

"Hi, Benjamin," she greeted, watching as his hand fanned out in newborn greeting. She leaned closer and breathed him in, knowing no elixir quite as sweet.

"You look like your brother," she whispered, tracing over his face with her finger. He grunted back at her and then he was being lifted away from her to be cleaned and warmed. She slumped against the pillows and felt a kiss on her forehead.

"You're amazing," Adam said, his voice thick with tears. "You actually did that."

"Did I hurt your hand?"

"Nah. I did almost hit the floor though. I don't like seeing you in pain."

"It wasn't so bad," she lied. "He's here now."

"And he's perfect. I'm so proud of you. Thanks for making me a daddy again."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The nurse quietly brought their bundled Benjamin back to them, placing him in Lindsay's arms once again.

"Hey son," Adam said, leaning over to look at him. "He really does look like Colton, doesn't he?"

"Except he's really bald," Lindsay chuckled. "We're pretty good at this baby making thing, aren't we?"

"We're definitely not bad," he agreed, moving from his chair and up onto the bed next to her. Wordlessly, she transferred the baby to him, watching how his face changed and he nearly cried again. It was another moment she had missed before that she hadn't even thought of until now. Adam as a father, with his child was quite possibly the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. The way he looked at their baby, his eyes filled with love and reverence and tears, how she could feel the pride radiating off of him, all of that went straight to her heart. Smiling, she leaned her head on his shoulder and settled her arm around them.

"He's perfect."

"Yeah, he is."

"And wonderfully chubby," she added, stroking his round cheek.

"It was the Twinkies you had for dinner last night."

"Probably."

They spent the next half hour sitting just like that, talking to each other and Benjamin, wondering who and what he would be, absorbing every second with their son.

"You want me to call Faye and have her bring Colton down?"

"Yeah."

"And then maybe call some anxious grandmas?"

"Probably."

He stood up from the bed, then handed Benjamin to her.

"I'll be right back."

He kissed them both and headed out into the hallway, needing to stretch his legs a little.

"Hey little boy," Lindsay said, adjusting Benjamin in her arms so she could look at him better. He was awake and looking around, squinting unhappily at the light. She curved her hand into a shade over his forehead and he seemed to relax a little. He gave her a long, slow blink and she unwrapped the blankets a little. He stretched and she caught his hand, marveling at how tiny it was, but how she could already tell he had his daddy's hands.

She pulled her knees up closer to her chest and rested him against them, holding his hands and staring into his eyes. When she had done this with Colton she had seen such adventure behind his eyes, his whole personality shining back at her. With Benjamin it was a quiet contemplation, an old soul. He was reading her as much as she was reading him. He blinked again and she kissed his forehead before grabbing her cell phone off the side table and dialing.

"Hello?"

"Hey Aust, guess what I'm doin'?"

"I would guess that you're sittin' there starin' at your baby?"

"Bingo."

"Well now are you going to tell me what you had?"

"It's a boy."

"I knew it!"

"You did?"

"I can read you really well Linds. I've known almost as long as you have."

"You have?"

"I was about ninety percent sure. What's his name?"

"Benjamin Ryan."

"Named after his daddy. How big was he?"

"Seven pounds even. He's so cute, Aust."

"Cuter than mine?"

"I plead the fifth on that one. Junior's a heartbreaker already."

"Our boys are going to take high school by storm."

"Don't talk about high school, he's not even an hour old."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm tired. Really tired. But otherwise, totally over the moon."

"I can't wait to see him. Can I drop by in the morning?"

"Yes please."

"I just got mine to sleep so I am going to go grab a few hours. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Love you."

"Love you too."

They hung up and Lindsay smiled at Benjamin, who was still staring at her. He was so peaceful it was no wonder he had waited so long to come. He had been happy right where he was.

"Alright, Faye's going to be here soon," Adam said as he came back into the room. "And the grandmas have been called and I have listened to their squealing."

"You're such a good man," she said with a smile as he kissed her.

"I do my best. How's everyone doing in here?"

"We're just sitting here. I'm pretty sure he's a genius."

"How's that?"

"I dunno. He's our kid."

"Oh that makes sense."

He smiled and sat back down, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her hair. Never in a million years would he have pictured himself here, so happy and so loved. He never thought he deserved it. And now here he sat, the father of two boys, two sons, that he was responsible for raising into honest, hardworking men. The enormity of his role weighed on his shoulders, but it was a weight he embraced, looking forward into the future and knowing what great men they could be.

It was a few minutes later that the door opened again and Faye entered, carrying a very sleepy Colton.

"Hey buddy," Lindsay greeted. He looked at her and smiled, rubbing his eyes while Faye settled him on the ground.

"I sleepy, mama."

"I know you are. It's past your bedtime."

"I can see the baby?"

"Yeah, come over on this side so daddy can lift you up."

"That my brother?" he asked, once he had settled between them.

"That's your brother. Do you want to hold him?"

"Yeah, I know how. I be careful."

They moved Benjamin carefully, both impressed with how expertly Colton held him.

"I can talk to him?"

"Sure, if you want to."

"Hi brother Ben. I Colton. I bigger. I teach you Legos okay? And cars," he said with a smile. "Mama, I like this brother. We go home now?"

"No, we've got to stay in the hospital tonight. But the nurses brought in a bed for you so you can stay here too. Do you like that idea?"

He nodded vigorously, so vigorously in fact that it disturbed Benjamin who started to cry.

"Oh no! I sorry, I sorry. Benny, I sorry, no cryin'," Colton said, frantic and near tears himself.

"It's okay bud, sometimes babies cry. See, he's all better," Adam assured.

"You're going to be a good big brother," Faye added for extra measure. "I think you've already got it down pretty well."

"I gonna be the best," Colton said seriously.

"I should get out of your hair for tonight, but you'll call me if you need anything, right?" Faye asked, leaning down to hug Lindsay.

"We will. Thanks for taking him."

"My pleasure. Bye Sir Colton."

"Bye Lady Faye."

She slipped out the door and Benjamin started to fuss again.

"Why he cry now daddy?"

"I think it's because he's hungry."

"It bedtime."

"I know. Babies get hungry at weird times."

"He has to wait for breakfast?"

"No, mama will feed him right now. Why don't we get you into your jammies?"

"But I hold Ben."

"Maybe you can hold him again before you go to sleep, but let's let mama feed him now, okay?"

"Okay. I be back Ben."

* * *

Morning dawned with the winter sun breaking through the fog and filling up their quiet hospital room. Adam woke first, rubbing his eyes and looking down at the treasures in his arms. Lindsay was spooned up against him, Colton against her, and Benjamin in his bassinet, pulled as close to the bed as it could get. Colton's hand rested on the plastic side while Lindsay had managed to get her hand all the way in, her fingers just barely grazing Benjamin's pile of blankets. A ray of sunlight came through the windows, landing on all four of them as if the heavens had blessed them. He smiled a little, wanting them all to wake up so they could start their first full day as a family of four. But at the same time he was enjoying this moment, knowing that he was the only one in the world that would see it so perfectly. Still though, he turned very carefully and grabbed the camera, snapping a few pictures of the moment.

Lindsay stirred in his arms, blinking a few times before she really woke up.

"Good morning."

"Mornin'."

"I love you," he said, brushing her messy hair away from her face.

"I love you too."

"How many times did you get up last night?"

"Only twice. He ate for about ten minutes then fell back asleep. Colton woke up both times though and couldn't remember where he was, so I just brought him to bed with us."

"He did seem a little forlorn over there on that cot by himself."

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

"Less tired than I thought I would. I'm still exhausted, but my mental acuity is better. I think I'll sleep better at home."

"Probably. You should go back to sleep right now. Even if it only ends up being a few minutes."

"Okay."

He watched her as she drifted back into sleep, and he couldn't stop the few tears that trickled down his cheeks. He'd always been determined to be a good husband, a good father. Providing and guiding as his step-father always said. He strove for it every day, making decisions based solely off of that. And sometimes he was afraid of failure. But right at this moment, looking down at the three people who were loved more than any other three people in the world, he was assured that he could not fail. It was impossible, because every morning may not start out just like this, but every morning gave him this feeling, and that is what saved him.


	101. Chapter 101

The switch from one child to two was a lot harder than expected. She knew it would be difficult, but she had assumed it would mostly be jealousy issues and having enough time for both boys. Those hadn't been the problems though. Jealousy was non-existent and that meant that time for both boys came naturally as she could have time for them together. The hardest part had been keeping up with the laundry and food preparation and cleaning and bills and all the 101 things that she had made time for before, but just couldn't seem to muster up the energy for now. Two days home from the hospital and she was looking around the apartment with trepidation, knowing there were dishes to be done and garbage to be taken out and now when the boys were both fed and asleep and Adam was getting ready for work, she should be using this time wisely. Instead she sat on the couch, flicked through the TV channels and counted how many times she yawned during a commercial break. She had every right to just sit down and relax for two minutes and she would never begrudge any mother that time, but she felt lazy just sitting there.

"Sweetie, I'm going to head out."

She smiled as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Are you going to be okay here?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

"I really wanted to take a whole week off but-"

"Honey, people are out sick and they need you in the lab. It's okay. We'll be fine here. Besides, Stella's bringing dinner over, so I'll have an extra set of hands if I need it."

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her tightly.

"You are doing such an amazing job. Have I mentioned that lately?"

"Yeah, but it's always nice to hear it."

"And I'm really proud of you."

"I'm proud of you too. Thank you for getting up with me at night."

"I just bring the baby to you and then I usually go right back to sleep."

"I know, but just knowing you're there helps a lot."

"Well then you're welcome."

"Go to work. And then come home to me, alright?"

"I will," he promised, kissing her softly. "I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too, Adam."

The words carried so much more weight with their names attached, and they just stared at each other for a moment, grinning.

"I gotta go," he said finally, reluctantly.

"Go. We'll be here when you get back."

With one more kiss he left the apartment and she sighed. She didn't want him to go at all, but she was proud of him for stepping up to take a shift when he really didn't have to and for always doing things he didn't have to just to make things a little better. He did everything he could to provide for them and be a good role model for the boys. He was so much more than the Prince Charming she had dreamed of all her life.

She sat there for a few minutes more, then stood up and stretched a little, figuring she could get a few things picked up before the need for sleep completely took over. Colton's toys stayed where they were; once potty training had been tackled, next came learning to clean up after himself. He was doing a good job most of the time, but he still had to be reminded. She picked up the laundry instead, setting the basket on the couch and folding everything quickly. She wasn't sure how Ben had managed to go through eight outfits in two days, but she got a small thrill out of folding the tiny garments so she didn't care. Colton's clothes were so much bigger by comparison and she stood there for a second looking at their matching Buzz Lightyear footie pajamas and smiling. Her boys, both of them together, the fact that there were two of them was still blowing her away. Admittedly, after Colton was born she had seen them always being a family of three. They had seemed complete then, and while she had occasionally thought about more, she would have been happy with them being done. But the second the stick turned pink she knew they needed more. Whether it was just two kids, or if they ended up with twelve, she wasn't sure, but she couldn't wait to find out.

* * *

"Mama."

"Mmmm."

"Mama, wake up."

"Why?"

"Ben cryin'."

She cracked her eyes open and looked at him, sighing as Ben's cries registered in her ears. She was kind of used to it, but had fallen asleep on the couch, so she didn't hear it immediately.

"I get him, mama."

"No, buddy, I'll get him. He's probably hungry."

"Ben always hungry," he said, following her into the bedroom. "He need yogurt."

She chuckled and lifted Ben from the crib, kissing his cheek while he settled down a little bit.

"Mama, I feed him."

"No buddy, I'll feed him. Can you do me a favor though?"

"Uh-huh."

"Can you go in your bedroom and get a new diaper and the wipes and the powder?"

"Yeah! I race!"

He pranced out of the room, ecstatic to do anything to help his mama. It took him a few minutes to gather everything she asked for, putting them in one of his buckets and driving it back into the bedroom.

"I get it," he said, putting the bucket on the bed then climbing up and over the footboard.

"Mama?" he asked, reaching under the blanket to hold onto Ben's foot.

"What, handsome?"

"When Ben go bye?"

"Ben's not going bye."

"He not?" he asked, his voice rising.

"No, he's going to live with us forever."

"Forever and ever and ever."

"Yeah. Is that okay?" she asked, using her free hand to fix the drawstring on his hoodie.

"Yeah. I love Ben."

"You're such a good big brother. Do you know that?"

"Yep, I know. I hold Ben now please?"

"Wait a little until he's done eating and I change his diaper and then you can hold him."

He nodded and rested his head against her shoulder, sighing a little as he played with the edge of Ben's blanket.

"Mama, he eats loud."

Lindsay snickered.

"Yeah, he kind of does."

"Like the piggies on the farm."

"Exactly."

He smiled and they sat their in almost silence until Ben was finished, his eyelids drooping.

"Colton can you help me?"

"We make him burp?"

"Yeah."

"Burp, Ben, burp," Colton chanted, patting his brother's back. "You can do a big one like daddy."

"I don't know if he can burp that big just yet."

"Oh no, mama, he throwed up."

"It's just spit up, it's okay," she said, cleaning it up with the rag she always had for such accidents. "See, all cleaned up."

"That gross."

"It's kinda gross. Babies do it all the time though."

"You change diaper so I hold Ben, 'kay mama?"

"Alright," she chuckled, laying Ben down on the comforter and leaning over to kiss his cheek.

"What's going on baby boy? Did you make a full diaper for me?"

He gave her a grumpy look and started screaming once his diaper was off.

"I know, it's cold out here. It won't take me long, just don't pee on me okay?"

"Mama, he needs go in the potty like me."

"It's going to be a long time before he can do that," she said, finishing up the diaper.

"I hold him now?"

"Yeah, go sit by the pillows."

He obeyed and she placed Ben in his lap, making sure they were both comfortable.

"I'm going to go wash my hands, so don't move okay?"

"Okay mama."

She escaped to the bathroom for a second, washing her hands quickly before returning to the bedroom. They were sitting just how she left them, Colton wrinkling his nose.

"What's the matter?"

"My nose has itchies."

Smiling she scratched his nose gently while there was a knock on the door.

"Who that is mama?"

"It's Stella. Should we go get it?"

"Yeah. You carry Ben."

They made their way out to the other room, Colton swinging the door open and smiling at Stella.

"Hi! Looka my brother!"

"I see your brother," she chuckled, making her way inside and setting dinner on the table.

"He's little."

"Yeah, he is. Do you like him?"

"Uh-huh. I hold him."

"You hold him but can I hold you for a minute?"

He smiled and she lifted him up, smiling when he wrapped his arms around her neck.

"This kind of thing is going to make it really hard to leave in the morning."

"You could always extend your trip," Lindsay suggested with a shrug and a smile.

"I wish. You have no idea how much."

"Stella, you sit on the couch and hold Ben. I show you how."

"You'll show me how?"

"Yep. I good."

She chuckled and sat down, smiling as Lindsay handed Ben to her.

"Linds, he looks like you."

"You think so? Everyone keeps saying that but I see Adam."

"He's got Adam's eyes and ears, but the rest is all you."

"Maybe a little," Lindsay said, sitting down and pulling Colton into her lap, kissing his head and realizing that it had been a while since she'd cuddled him.

"So what do you guys think of Jo?" Stella asked, taking a piece of blanket fuzz off of Ben's hand.

"We like her. She's easy to work with. She doesn't seem to get frustrated. Ever. Even when Mac makes the coffee."

"So she's a saint?"

"Maybe not a saint, but more saintly than the rest of us ragamuffins. What do you think of her?"

"I think it's a little weird that someone else has my job, but I'm really glad it's her. I know she's looking out for everyone and she's been giving Mac a run for his money."

"Yeah, I think it's hard for him to go head to head with so much southern gentility."

"Oh yes. He's always had a hard time with ladies actin' like ladies."

"They get along really well but I think he misses you."

"I miss him too. It's weird not having him there every day. I'm not homesick anymore but… sometimes I just want to hear his voice."

Lindsay nodded, knowing that feeling well.

"Do you ever call him?"

"No. Maybe once or twice I have but… it's hard to know what to say."

"You can just tell him you miss him."

"Yeah, I guess. I don't want to talk about that. How are you guys doing now that you're home?"

"Pretty good. If we can get ourselves on a schedule, it's going to be so much easier. Hopefully it won't be too much longer."

"You'll manage. You did it so seamlessly last time, you've just got to had some more steps to the Rube Goldberg invention."

"Yeah."

"How's Adam doing?"

"He's good. He helps me so much, sometimes when I don't even know I need it. I don't even have to ask him to do things he just anticipates."

"Is it true what they say, that you love him more with every baby?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's not so much that I love him more, I think it's that I understand it better. I see it more. When it was just us it was kind of selfish, but now with the boys… part of the reason he loves them so much is because he loves me. And I can't help but see that every time I watch him with them."

"Can I admit something to you?"

"Sure."

"When you two first started dating…"

"Yeah?"

"I wasn't sure it would last."

"Why not?"

"Because you're so similar. It just almost seemed like you would be… I dunno, dating yourself."

"I was worried about that too. But we discovered enough different things to keep it interesting. We still discover different things. They're little, but there's just something about the unexpected."

"You guys… I've never seen people love each other the way you do. I didn't know it existed."

"We like to bring hope to the masses."

* * *

It was to a quiet and cozy apartment that he returned home that evening. The lights were off except for the one by the sink, which he crossed the room to turn off. There was lamplight coming from the bedroom, and he checked on Colton quickly before going in there. Lindsay was sitting up in bed, looking exhausted but happy with Ben in her arms.

"Hey, how was work?"

"The power went out so that was kind of an issue, but it came back on pretty quick with the generator or whatever they've got going on down there. How were things here?"

"No screaming and gnashing of teeth."

"And how were the kids?"

"You're hilarious."

He chuckled and sat down next to her, reaching over to touch Ben's hand.

"I don't think I've seen him this awake before."

"He's been like this for an hour."

"Without a wink of sleep in sight."

"I think he was waiting for you to get home," she said.

"Maybe so," Adam agreed, taking the baby from her and settling him against his chest.

"Better?"

"Much. I missed you guys a lot today."

"We missed you too."

"Mac said I could have an extra day at the end of the week, so I'm yours for seven more days."

"And then what, you're gonna leave me?"

"You know what I mean."

"Seven more days and then my parents will be here a few days after that, and then right after they leave your parents are coming."

"December is a very busy month for us."

"Yes it is, and we didn't even think about Christmas yet."

"Speaking of, I was thinking that I would take Colton out tomorrow to get a tree."

"He'll love it. Plus, who could pass up having daddy all to themselves?"

"No one it seems."

She smiled and rested against him with a sigh, craving the warmth that radiated from him.

"You know what Stella told me tonight?"

"I can only imagine."

"She said that when we first started dating she thought we might not make it."

"Because we're so similar?"

"Yeah."

"You thought that too."

"I didn't think that, but I wasn't unaware of the possibility."

"You know what though?"

"What?"

"I think it helped us out at the beginning. It gave us like a… safe foundation I guess. We read each other better, trusted each other faster. I don't know Linds, I guess from the first time you held my hand I just knew you were my forever."

"It's kind of unbelievable, isn't it? That we found each other out of all the people in the world, and just at the right time, when we both were ready and needed it and if anything had been different, we might not be here right now. One tiny change and we could have ended up as friends or maybe we wouldn't know each other at all."

"I don't want to think about that," he said, reaching over to brush the tear from her eye.

"Do you know how happy you make me, Adam? You know I'm happy, but do you understand how absolutely indescribably and wonderfully happy I really am?"

"About the same as me, I would guess."

"You do have your shoes on the bed though."

He chuckled and kicked his shoes onto the floor while she climbed under the blankets and laid down, reaching over to take his hand. She played with his wedding ring, spinning it around and around his finger, watching how the silver caught the light.

"Adam?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for making me that happy."

"Right back at you, babe. Get some sleep. We'll see you in a few hours."


	102. Chapter 102

"Mama, why Ben get bath in the sink?"

"Because it's easier this way," she replied, carefully rinsing Ben's hair.

"He not like a bath."

"No, he doesn't. I think he just feels cold though."

"When we leave?"

"In a little while, as soon as he's dried off and dressed."

"I wanna see granna and papa."

"I know. Why don't you go and clean up your trains in your room and get your shoes on and then we might be ready to go."

"Okay!" he agreed, climbing off the chair and running into his room. She smiled and gave Ben one final rinse and took him out of the plastic tub, wrapping him in a big fuzzy towel. He stared at her, squinting against the light as she took him in the other room and dried him off before putting a diaper on him. He stared at her solemnly, his eyes locked on her face.

"Hi Benjamin," she said, noting a flicker of recognition on his face. He didn't seem to respond to just "Ben" but he did seem to know his whole name, so that is what she used. "Why don't we put you on your tummy for a minute while I find you some clothes."

She watched him closely, making sure he didn't faceplant into the ground while finding him an outfit from the folded laundry in the basket. He just laid there, his head turned to the side, fussing because he couldn't see her. She chuckled and picked him up, dressing him quickly and putting a hat on his bald head. He wasn't actually completely bald, but he had received nearly white-blonde hair from somewhere in the family tree, causing his head to look more round than it actually was. Adam had taken to calling him Prince Toadstool. He snuggled into her, his eyes drooping in exhaustion, for fighting his bath was hard work. It took a few minutes to wrap him in blankets and get him buckled in his seat, and by the time she did, Colton was coming out of his room with the hood of his coat on his head, and his shoes on the wrong feet.

"Let's go, mama!"

"Can you put your coat on all the way?"

He nodded and put his coat on the floor, bending down to put his arms through the sleeves, then flipping the whole thing over his head and letting it slide down to rest on his shoulders.

"That how cool kids do it, mama."

"Who taught you that?"

"Unca Danny. Isa do it too."

"Why am I not surprised?"

"I dunno."

She chuckled and put her own coat on, making sure she had her keys and money for parking and the diaper bag and pretty much half of everything they owned that she might possibly need in the two hours they could feasibly be away from home. With Ben's carseat on one arm and Colton's hand in her free one they made their way downstairs.

"Mama, why we drive daddy's car?"

"Because it's bigger and we needed a bigger car today."

He nodded and sat back in his seat, buckling himself in and picking up the toy that had been left in the seat next to him. Pretty soon they were on the road, the heater on full blast and Colton chattering as they drove, commenting on everything he saw out the window.

"Mama, we go Au'tin's?" he asked as they passed Austin and Danny's building.

"No, not today buddy. We'll see them for a little while in a few days."

"When?"

"On Christmas eve. Remember you're going to help me make cookies to take over to Mac's and we're all going to have dinner."

"Oh yeah. Stella be there?"

"No, she had to go back home."

"Um, Flack be there?"

"Yeah, probably."

"And Hawkes?"

She chuckled and nodded, thinking it funny how most kids his age had friends their own age. He was more concerned to see her co-workers.

"Hawkes should be there too."

"And Jo?"

"Yep."

"And Jess too?"

"I'm pretty sure."

"And mama and daddy and Colton and Ben and Au'tin and Danny and Isa and Sa'ah and Junior?"

"Yes, that's everyone."

"It be fun, mama."

She smiled and looked in the rearview mirror at him. He was staring out the window with a sort of contented look on his face, as if all was right in his little world. He was quiet the rest of the way to the airport, smiling as he watched the city pass before his eyes.

Once they got inside the airport however, he started to panic at the crowds of people, holding onto her hand with both of his and practically climbing up her leg out of fright. She wanted to pick him up, but her hands were full, so she settled for finding a seat along the wall of baggage claim, putting Ben's seat on the floor and rocking it with her foot while Colton buried himself in her.

"Is it too loud in here?"

"Uh-huh," he said with a nod, his thumb sliding into his mouth.

"It won't be much longer. We just have to wait for granna and papa and then we can go."

"Okay."

"Hey buddy can you see the man with the purple hat?"

"Where?"

"Somewhere right over there."

He scanned the crowd seriously for a minute, then practically launched out of her arms.

"I see, I see!"

"How about the girl with the pink backpack?"

"She right there, mama!"

"You're good at this game."

"You see the doggie?"

"Where?"

"Over there mama! Look!"

"I don't see it. You stumped me."

"It on the picture!" he said, pointing to one of the advertisements on the wall.

"Oh you stinker!"

He giggled and stood up, clapping his hands.

"It papa! It papa!"

"Well go get him."

"Papa!" he shouted, running and crashing into his grandfather's legs.

"Hey there little mister."

"Come see my baby."

"Oh, okay."

"Hi granna! You see my baby too okay?"

"That sounds like a good plan," she said, lifting him into her arms and giving him a hug. "You've gotten too big for me. Are you already ten years old?"

"No, granna, I three! Ben is zero."

She chuckled as they made their way over to Lindsay and Ben.

"Hi daddy," she greeted, loving when he gathered her in his arms and kissed the top of her head.

"Hey baby girl. How're you doing?"

"We're good. How was your flight?"

"There's a reason I never leave Montana."

"That bad huh?"

"Plane seats are not made for people over five foot ten. Luckily you never will have that problem."

"Shut up daddy."

"Mama, we no say that!" Colton said indignantly, his hand on his hip.

"Whoops, I'm sorry. I'll try not to do it again."

"Okay. Granna, look in there, see Ben! He sleepin'."

"Yeah, he is," Anne said, crouching down to look at him.

"Mama say he look like me."

"He does, a little bit. I think he looks like your mama."

"No, he a boy, granna."

She chuckled and kissed his cheek.

* * *

"Linds, I'm not totally sure, but I'm mostly sure that this son of yours is quite possibly packing heat," Dale announced. He'd been sitting there silently holding Ben on the couch for the last ten minutes and these were the first words he had spoken since they arrived home.

"So you're going to change his diaper, right?"

"No."

Glaring, she got off the couch and went into the boys room for a diaper. What she found besides the diaper and wipes was Colton's trains on the floor, the ones she had asked him to pick up before they left.

"Colton, what did I ask you to do this morning?"

"Um…"

"Was it something in your room?"

"Yeah."

"And when I asked you if you had cleaned up your trains, you told me yes."

He nodded, remembering that that was a lie and not doing what he was asked could also mean he was in trouble.

"You need to go sit on your bed for three minutes for lying."

"But mama, I playin'!"

"I know, but you lied to me, so you need a consequence."

"No!"

"Yes. Go set your timer."

He sighed and got up, stomping into the kitchen to set the timer on the oven. She waited for his door to slam, but when it closed normally, she took Ben from her dad and started to change his diaper.

"That is the most mild time-out I have ever seen," Anne commented with a raised eyebrow. "Making him set his own time, is that like having him cut his own switch?"

"Yeah."

"It seems he's done this a time or two."

"We've been having a lying problem lately. He gets sent to time out for it a lot."

"Gee, I wonder where he gets that?"

"I will admit, I was quite the little liar myself. However, I always felt guilty and spilled my guts. He's not always aware he's lying until he's caught."

"Yeah, we always liked to sit there and watch you torture yourself over it. Better punishment than we could have given you."

"Then why did you always punish me afterwards too?"

"Well, you had to learn."

Sighing, she finished Ben's diaper and handed him back to her dad before going in the kitchen to wash her hands. The timer still had a minute left, and she returned to the couch just in time to see Ben's face scrunch up. They'd noticed that if he went too long without Lindsay holding him, he tended to get a little upset. She took him back from her dad, wrapping another blanket around him and settling back into the cushions as the timer in the kitchen went off. Colton's door opened and he shuffled across the floor, turning the timer off and then walking out to stand in front of her.

"Do you know why you got sent to your room?"

"For lie. And not obey."

"And what else?"

"Not respectin' mama."

"What did you learn?"

"I not lie. It bad."

"Do you have anything else you need to say?"

"I sorry. I try better."

"Now I just have one question left for you."

He grinned and looked up at her, meeting her eyes happily because he knew what was coming next.

"Do you know how much I love you?"

"Yep! More than all the stars!" he said, climbing up next to her. "I get hugs and kissies now?"

"Only if I can have hugs and kisses too."

Giggling, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed her.

"I play now?"

"Yep, go ahead."

He went back to the toy he had been playing with before, happy that it was all forgotten and his only responsibility was to try his hardest not to do the same thing again. It seemed simple in his mind, but he knew it was a hard task. He wasn't sure what he was doing wrong, he just knew it was wrong and he was determined to never make his mama or daddy disappointed in him again. Of course they never stayed mad, never even raised their voices at him, but he could tell when they weren't thrilled with the way he acted.

The door opened and he shot off the floor, ecstatic that his favorite part of the day was finally here. Daddy was home.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

"Hey buddy," Adam said, crouching down to gather his son in his arms. "How was your day?"

"I play. Mama say I can watch Superman. It scary. And Ben go potty all over and mama said a bad word."

"Oh she did, did she?"

"Uh-huh. We go get granna and papa too. I get in time out."

"Did you say sorry?"

"Yep. Then you come home! We play Star Wars now?"

"Maybe in a little bit. I need to change my clothes."

"You have mess on your shirt daddy."

"That's what happens when Danny starts talking with his hands."

"Like this?" Colton asked, flapping his hands in the classical chatterbox motion. "Like you say mama and Au'tin do?"

He looked up at Lindsay who shot him a playful glare.

"Looks like daddy's in trouble now."

"You're smilin'."

"I'm smiling because I'm going to tell Austin."

"Oh great. I'm dead meat."

"For the dinosaurs!" Colton agreed with a grin. "Roar!"

"Shh, indoor roaring only."

"Roar," Colton repeated quietly, raising his hands up like claws. Adam laughed and ruffled his hair, glad to be home.

* * *

"Papa, you read a story to me?"

Dale smiled and pulled his grandson into his lap, opening the book Colton had brought with him.

"Your mama's been reading you _Mother West Wind_?"

"Chug-a-rum!"

"I bet that's your favorite part."

"Chug-a-rum, chug-a-rum!" he repeated, pointing to the page. "This one, papa."

"Why Sammy Jay Has A Fine Coat."

"Sammy Jay have fine coat," Colton nodded.

Anne smiled from her spot on the couch, then gathered up the ice-cream bowls and headed into the kitchen. She stopped in the doorway for the scene that played out before her was not one that could survive an interruption.

Adam was sitting at the table, apparently in the middle of paying bills, but Lindsay had plonked down in his lap, her arms loosely around his neck. He looked quite pleased with the distraction, and Anne leaned against the wall as she watched them.

They were holding a whispered conversation, full of chuckles and deep staring into each other's eyes, totally tuning out the rest of the world. Adam reached up and brushed Lindsay's hair away from her face and she smiled down at him, her eyes so full of love and pride that Anne almost had to take a step back. She had never seen something like this, not even close. She wondered how they had found it, a love that was seemingly heads and shoulders above all others. Maybe it was just chance, fate, the collision of time and reason that culminated in the beauty she saw before her. Or maybe it was more deliberate than that. Maybe they had committed so deeply from the beginning and had laid themselves bare before each other, holding nothing back, giving and taking in perfect harmony. It was a love that she had never given herself, and for as wonderful a man as she had married, could not remember ever feeling either. It wasn't a bad thing, it didn't mean she hadn't found her soulmate, but it did make her love her husband more.

She stood there for a while longer, taking it all in before clearing her throat and taking the dishes to the sink. They didn't move from their spots at her entrance, just smiled up at her as if it was the most normal thing in the world, as if they were always like this. Who was she kidding, they probably always were like this.

"Mama, my story over," Colton announced, coming into the room dragging his sock monkey by the tail.

"Do you want me to tuck you in?"

"Lotsa snuggles," he requested, rubbing his eyes and resting his head on her knee.

"Lots and lots," she agreed, lifting him up into her arms. "Say goodnight to daddy."

"Night daddy."

"Goodnight son. I'll see you in the morning. I love you."

"I love daddy."

Lindsay stood up and took Colton to his room, tucking him in and laying down beside him. He yawned and spun a strand of her hair around his finger.

"Mama, what doin' tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure yet, we'll have to wait and see."

"We can go outside?"

"It's kind of cold, but maybe we can."

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"You stay in here?"

"I'll stay until you fall asleep."

He scooted closer to her and reached up to trace her face with his tiny hand.

"You pretty."

"I am?"

"Uh-huh. And beautiful, like daddy say."

"Thank you."

"I love you mostest mama."

"Really?"

"Yep. I love you more than daddy do."

"I don't know about that, bud."

"I do mama," he said with a sleepy nod. "I go night-night."

His eyes fluttered closed and he let out one last sigh before venturing into dreamland. Lindsay held him close and watched him sleep, thinking again, as she did every night, that she was the luckiest woman in the world. She stayed a few minutes more, then leaned down and kissed his forehead before standing up and leaving the room.

Her mom was in the kitchen finishing the dishes, Adam nowhere to be found.

"Mama, you don't have to do that."

"Oh hush, I might as well."

"Where's Adam?"

"Taking the garbage out. Without being asked."

"Yeah, I know I'm spoiled."

"And I'm jealous."

"Oh whatever, daddy spoils you all the way to rotten and back again."

"No, it's not that…"

"What?"

"You're a better mother than I ever was," Anne confessed, looking down at the suds in the sink.

"Mom, that's not true."

"Yes it is. I never had as much patience as you do. I don't think I said I love you or gave as many hugs to the four of you in a week or even a month as you did with the boys today."

"We knew."

"Yes but… I think I missed out on a lot. Like tonight during dinner when Colton wanted to tell you a story, you tuned out the rest of the conversation and listened to him. I never would have done that. Or how you went in there and laid down with him. You didn't just tuck him in, you actually took a few minutes just to be with him. I never did that. And my life never moved nearly as fast as yours. And I never hugged you kids either. Do you remember one time when I held you like you hold him?"

"Mama, we were different. It's not wrong, it's just how we were."

"But I missed out. You missed out."

"If you had been like that when I was little I would have hated it. I wasn't affectionate like that for a long time. Not until Adam. I had to get over it because he's very much that way. And it was totally comfortable with him. Never thought about it. So I guess it translates to the way we raise the boys and how we are together. But that doesn't mean that how you raised me was wrong."

"Didn't you feel like we didn't love you as much?"

"Mom, there were things that happened in life that were a little more detrimental than the fact that you didn't hug us every day."

"That was rather pointed," Anne said, putting the last dish in the rack. "You still hold that against me? Taking off like I did?"

"I never held it against you. I mean maybe at the time and maybe a little when I was older, but now I understand it more."

"I wasn't running from you."

"You were gone for a year. I know now that it was because of the depression. I know that you were scared and I know you didn't want to hurt us. But back then… mom I was four. I didn't know why you left and why you never called. But when it comes down to it, it didn't mean you loved us less. We all knew that. And you did come back."

"I guess I'm just feeling guilty."

"Why?"

"I watch you with your sons and I can see how much you love them. It just about hits you in the face when you watch it. But I have to wonder if anyone ever saw that with us."

"Maybe, maybe not. But it doesn't matter, because me and the boys, we all knew it. You're allowed to stop feeling guilty."

"Okay."

"I mean right now mom. Right this second."

"Alright, alright," Anne said, shaking her head. They had never had that conversation before, never even talked about that year when her depression was so bad she travelled the country alone and couldn't bear to return to the ranch.

"Is daddy asleep in there?"

"Yeah. Show me a recliner and I'll show you your father sleeping."

"Never fails."

"Lindsay?"

"Yeah?"

"I just want you to know… you're a wonderful mother."

"Thanks mama."


	103. Chapter 103

A/N: Christmas chapter already? I'm cheap.

* * *

"Hey little Ben, what's all the fuss about?" Adam asked, lifting Ben out of the cradle. "I'm pretty sure mama just fed you about twenty minutes ago."

"Seventeen," Lindsay grumbled, rolling over and looking at the clock. "Does he need his diaper changed?"

"No, he seems free and clear."

"So he's just being difficult?"

"I think so. Go back to sleep, I'll take care of him."

"Are you sure? He's probably going to cry for a while."

"You do this every night. It's the least I can do. Sleep honey."

"Thank you."

He gave her a smile and leaned down to kiss her while Ben continued to squawk.

"Alright dude, it's time to go to sleep," Adam said, sitting down in the rocking chair in the corner and holding Ben close to him. "Your mama needs some sleep and so do you. You haven't been doing enough of that lately, you know. I guess it's just the magic of the holiday season."

"Adam," Lindsay said with a chuckle. "He's two weeks old."

"The Christmas spirit permeates even the youngest of minds."

She gave a snort and rolled her eyes, burying her face in the pillow and trying to go back to sleep.

"Your mama thinks I'm nutso, dude. But you'll be on my side, right? I thought so. See, this is much better than crying isn't it? Yeah, much better. You're probably even getting a little bit tired, aren't you? I can tell because your eyes got all big and you're staring just like mama does when she's about to crash."

Ben gave a small yawn and stretched his arm out of the blanket, his hand landing on Adam's.

"You don't need to eat now dude. You're already getting chubby cheeks. Catching up to that brother of yours probably. Does this mean you two are gonna be competing your whole lives? I guess that's okay, as long as you don't hate each other. But you probably won't will you? I'm figurin' your mama's got that all worked out though. She thinks of everything. Let me tell ya, it makes everyone's lives a lot easier. Especially mine. You'll probably hear me say it a lot, but you're really lucky to have her for your mama. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure you feel lucky to have me for your daddy too."

They sat like that for a while longer until Ben lost the fight against sleep. Adam stood up carefully and put him back in the bassinet, then climbed back into bed himself. Lindsay rolled over and snuggled in close to him, smiling when his arms came around her too.

"I thought you were going to sleep."

"I tried. I was listenin' to you."

"Oh. Was I keepin' you awake?"

"No, sometimes I just like to listen when you don't know I am."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. You say good stuff."

He smiled and kissed her forehead.

"I just want them to know. I want that in their first memories. Not like mine were."

"It never will be, Adam. They'll always know how much we love them."

"Yeah, I know."

She leaned up and kissed him softly, and it suddenly occurred to her how little alone time they had had since Ben was born. It was a normal thing when one was blessed with a new baby, but that didn't make it easier. With strange feeding times, the holidays and her parents in town, she couldn't remember the last time they had a moment like this together, in such quiet. She silently thanked Ben for waking up when he had, and going back to sleep so they could have this moment.

"It goes fast, doesn't it?" he said, breaking into her reverie.

"You mean life?"

"Doesn't it feel like yesterday that… well everything seems like just yesterday."

"It does go fast," she agreed. "Sometimes I feel like I'm frantically trying to hold on to every second. And then I wonder what I'm missing while I'm trying to hold on."

"It's an ouroboros."

"Such a big word for five a.m. But I have to admonish you for the snake reference since you know how much I hate them and am now totally creeped out."

"Such a country girl, yet one mention of snakes or rats and you're all shivery."

"I don't know why, they just bother me."

He hissed and she shoved his shoulder with a little laugh.

"Jerk. You're scared of spiders."

"I'm not scared!"

"How come you always ask me to kill them then?"

"Because I'm a big fat sissy."

"You're not fat."

"But I am a sissy?"

"Babe, this spider has like 42 legs, come kill it!" she mocked, running her fingers up his side.

"I never said that! I would never exaggerate something so drastically."

"Sure you wouldn't."

He chuckled.

"I could just squeeze the stuffing out of you sometimes."

"Yeah, I'm pretty darn cute."

Grinning, he stroked her cheek and lowered his lips to hers, kissing her deeply. She sighed happily against his lips and pulled herself a little closer, enjoying the moment while it lasted. His hand ran gently up and down her back and then moved to her side, his thumb stroking over her skin. She reached down and moved his hand back to where it had been before and he broke the kiss in confusion.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"I know we can't… I mean, I wasn't trying to… why did you do that?"

She didn't say anything, just untangled herself from his arms and sat up a little, needing a sliver of space. He let her move and didn't say anything, just kept his eyes on her while she bit her lip and her eyes darted around the room.

"Adam," she whispered finally, so quiet he almost had to ask her to repeat it. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"Of course I do. You're gorgeous."

"I don't feel like I am," she confessed. He reached over and took her hand, holding it tightly.

"Why not?"

"Because. I had two babies. I don't look the way I used to. I'm never going to."

"Lindsay."

"I don't want you to see me."

The thought of her being unattractive to him was ridiculous, but he knew that it was something she really worried about. But to go so far as to say she didn't want him to see her meant that she had been thinking about this for a while.

"Sweetheart, look at me and listen to me like you've never listened before. You are beautiful. You're gorgeous. You're pretty. Sometimes I look at you and my knees buckle."

She gave him a teary smile and he continued on, running his hand over her as he spoke, calming the self-deprecating thoughts that flew through her mind. His hand grazed over her stomach and she tensed beneath him, wanting to move him away again. He ignored it though, sliding her t-shirt up and pressing gentle kisses to her skin until she relaxed.

"Honey, you carried our babies inside you. You kept them safe and healthy. You gave them life. And that is beautiful."

"But-"

"Lindsay, this is the one and only time that what you feel matters very little. You are beautiful. You always will be. Carrying a baby changes your body, yes. But they're not bad changes. You are as wonderful and amazing as you were the first day I laid eyes on you, and I will know that until the day I die."

"But I have stretch marks and I'm puffy and last time it took so long to get back to normal and I'm worried that I won't be able to do it again and-"

"I don't care. I don't see that, Linds. It doesn't matter to me. I think that you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Nothing will ever change that."

She nodded and sniffled and he reached up to wipe her tears away.

"Are you ever going to see what I see?"

"I see it," she said with a nod. "Sometimes I just worry that you'll stop."

"Never."

He tugged on her until she laid back down and he wrapped around her completely, wishing that he could make her feel as beautiful as she was.

"Thank you," she said finally, turning a little to kiss him. "I don't mean to be so insecure, I just can't help it sometimes."

"It's okay. I need to do a better job of reminding you. Now, we'd better go to sleep because I am pretty sure that the little boy in the next room is going to want to open presents about the same time the sun comes up."

"You're probably right," she sighed, reaching over and running her fingers through his hair. "I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Mama, mama, lookit!" Colton hollered, clapping his hands in excitement. "See what I have? A hocklitockter!"

"A helicopter," she corrected. "Can you fly it?"

He kneeled next to the coffee table, and examined the toy, wondering how to get the helicopter to fly. It was attached to a plastic arm that kept it in place and it basically just flew around in a circle, but he was still nearly jumping around in delight.

"Daddy, you show me how?" he asked. Adam scooted over to him and explained the controls, then helped him to get the helicopter going.

"Oh wow! Granna, lookit what I doing!"

"All by yourself?"

"Uh-huh, I a big boy."

He watched the helicopter for a few seconds more then let it land, moving over to the tree and pulling another present out from under it.

"I get this for Ben," he said, walking over and handing the present to Lindsay. "You open it mama."

"Oh look Benjamin, new clothes!"

Ben of course, just laid there, completely unimpressed with the whole thing.

"Ben, you say thank you to me for presents."

"He can't say thank you yet, son," Adam chuckled.

"Oh. Christmas done?"

"Nope, there's one more big present for you. It's right under the tree."

Colton grinned and wadded through the piles of wrapping paper, as Adam had gone a little crazy with gifts for him this year. He was at an age where he appreciated things more, and the toys that also became learning tools were too good to pass up.

"What is it, daddy?"

"I guess you're going to have to open it and see."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Push it over here."

He managed to get the box into the middle of the room, then tore into it gleefully, sitting down and staring at it when it was finally revealed. His mouth hung open and his eyes were wide as he reached out and touched the picture on the box.

"It doctor stuff," he said, almost reverently. "I be a doctor."

"Should we open it up and take a look?"

He gulped and nodded, watching closely as Adam opened the box. The pieces were made of wood and metal instead of plastic and would probably last for years and years.

"There's a stethoscope and a thermometer and a blood pressure cuff," Adam said, showing Colton each piece. "And a bunch of other stuff that I can't identify, and all of it fits in your nifty doctor's bag."

"Oh my," he said, running his hand over the canvas bag. "It my job."

Lindsay chuckled at his reaction. She hadn't been expecting him to take it so seriously, and had actually worried that he had grown out of his desire to be a doctor. Colton stood up from the floor and pulled the stethoscope from his bag, draping it around his neck as if he really was a grown up.

"Okay, who be sick? I fix you."

"Oh, I think I've got a touch of the vapors," Dale said pressing a hand to his forehead and putting on a high pitched southern accent. "Whatever will I do?"

"I fix you papa, I fix you! Where it hurt?"

"Oh doctor, I'm just so achy and weak and I feel as if I could fall right over."

"Don't worry, you be better soon," Colton said seriously. "You need medicine. It taste ewwie but you eat it."

"Will I get better soon?"

"You go home and sleep."

"Thank you ever so much doctor."

"You pay me money."

"Oh, I see your racket. Here you go."

He slapped a piece of wrapping paper into Colton's hand and he tucked it into his bag.

"Who sick now?"

Pretty soon they were all dropping like flies, and Colton ran between all of them, tending to their injuries and ailments, his eyes alive with excitement as they hopped up from the floor, cured of whatever the malady was.

"I think we'd better start saving up for med-school," Adam remarked, as Colton cured Anne's bout with the heebie jeebies.

"He sure seems to enjoy it," Lindsay agreed. "I should have mom make him a lab coat or scrubs or something."

"He'd flip. That would be awesome."

"And we've got Halloween costumes for the next five years or so."

"Then he'll want to be a zombie doctor."

"God willing."

"Daddy, it time for your shot. No cryin'."

"But I'm so scared!"

"Don't be a weenie, daddy."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Au'tin say it."

"Guess it could be worse. Okay Doc, cure me."

"Here come your shot!"

"Oh wow, I feel so alive."

"I fix you. Give me money."

"I've gotta get rid of this HMO, they're not helping me out at all."

"Uh-huh," Colton said with a nod. "HMO hurt? I fix you?"

"Nah, this is something that needs a home remedy."

"Okay. Ben all better?"

"Yeah, Ben's fine, he's just sleeping it off for a while. Why don't you take a break and put on some regular clothes. I don't know many doctors that work in their pajamas."

"Okay mama. I be right back. Get sick!"

Lindsay giggled and propped her feet up on the coffee table while Ben stayed still against her chest, one of his tiny hands gripping her shirt. Adam got up from the floor and joined them, sighing when Lindsay dropped her head onto his shoulder.

"I think it's naptime," she said as her parents went into the kitchen to make breakfast.

"You close your eyes and he's gonna give you CPR."

"Very likely."

He chuckled and wrapped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head and watching the snow fall outside. It was such a perfect peace that he didn't want to let go.

"Mama, I sit up there?" Colton asked. Lindsay chuckled at his messy hair and mismatched socks, being vaguely aware that the shirt was the one he had worn the day before.

"Yeah, come on up."

He grinned and planted himself in between them, snuggling in for warmth.

"I hold Ben now, okay?"

"Maybe in a minute. Remember you're going to call Isa to say thank you for the present she got for you?"

"Oh yeah. I can call now?"

"Yeah, just a second."

She dialed Austin's number and talked to her for a second before they put the kids on.

"Hi Sweet Thing," Colton greeted, using the long forgotten but making a comeback nickname. "I say thank you for my present…yeah, I find yours at the store. I wrap it too… Know what? I a doctor now. I fix you. You have owwies?... I fix it later. Okay?... Bye-bye, see you another day."

He clicked the phone off and handed it back to Lindsay as if he did this every day.

"Isa have owwie. I gon' fix it."

"Well that's nice of you."

"Yep. I hold Ben now."

Lindsay carefully transferred the baby to him, hoping that there wouldn't be any waking up and crying.

"He gonna sleep all day mama?"

"For a good chunk of it. Do you like being a big brother?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "He not play much."

"He'll play more when he's older."

"Okay. Mama, Ben love me?"

"I'm sure he does."

"I do good job?"

"You do a really good job," she said, pushing a curl off his forehead. He smiled up at her and rocked back and forth, then kissed Ben's cheek.

"I love Ben. He my best brother."

Lindsay smiled and put her arm around him, her chest nearly exploding with pride. She had envisioned it being such a harder transition, but this was just too good to be true.


	104. Chapter 104

"Did you know it's like giving the middle finger to point the bottom of your foot at someone in some Middle Eastern countries?" Jo asked as the GCMS began its scan.

"Did you know that when bats exit a cave at night, they always turn to the left?" Adam countered.

"Did you know that in the southern hemisphere the crown of someone's head will make their hair grow the opposite direction that it does here?"

"Did you know that American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars in 1987 by eliminating one olive out of their salads?"

"Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?"

"Don't you dare tell Lindsay, she'll make me find her some."

"She's still in withdrawls, huh?"

"Yeah. Lots of coffee flavored ice-cream has been consumed on the premises."

"Did she go cold turkey?"

"Yeah. The first time she had a little here and there, but this time she had a cup and Ben was up for hours, so she cut out all caffeine. Even the stuff in chocolate. It's been a rough couple weeks for her."

"And for you I would guess."

"It's not so bad. Mostly she's just tired, but she'd be tired with the caffeine anyway."

"More than likely. Is this thing almost done?"

"It's slow today. We need a new one."

"We're never going to be able to afford it."

"We'd have to all start selling our organs."

"I'm kinda fond of my kidneys."

Adam chuckled and spun around in his chair, going back to the computer to see if the results were up from his search in AFIS. He knew the prints were probably too partial for a match, but running a search couldn't hurt.

"Anything?"

"Not so far. I hate days like this."

"You mean when the case isn't blown wide open for you in the first hour?"

"You're mocking me, aren't you?"

"You are a sad, strange little man."

"I can deal with that," he chuckled as the computer finished its search and came up with no matches. "This however…"

"It's not the results that bug you, it's having to wait."

"I have a short attention span."

"No, really?"

"Anyone else I would tell them to shut up."

"I try to be charming."

"You're a problem."

"Don't tell Mac, he already thinks that, he doesn't need confirmation."

"No problem," he promised with a nod as his cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Adam, can you come home?"

"Babe, what's the matter?" he asked, his radar on high alert from the tone of her voice.

"Please just come home?"

"You gotta tell me what the problem is."

"Benjamin won't stop crying. I've done everything and he won't stop. Can't you hear that?"

"Yeah, I can hear him. Honey, why don't you just go put him down in the other room and let him cry it out for a while and I'll be home in a few hours."

"I tried that. He's been crying for four hours and I can't handle it anymore. I need you to come home. Please?"

"Hon, I can't come home right now. Can you call Faye and see if she'll come over and give you a hand?"

"I'm bad at this, Adam."

"No you're not, sweetie. It's just a bad day."

"I can't do it," she sniffled, causing him to want to cry too.

"Lindsay, you can do it. You are doing it. You're just really tired and he's cranky and you're overwhelmed."

"He's never cried like this before. I don't know what to do."

"Honey, go lay him down and close the door. He'll be just fine by himself while you calm down."

"Am I failing?"

"No babe, absolutely not. It's just not a good day. You're just fine."

"I can't make him better."

"It's okay sweetie. Just take a deep breath and you'll be okay."

"Alright."

"I'll be home as soon as I can."

"When is that?"

"I'm off in two hours. Just hang on."

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

He hung up and rubbed his eyes, sighing and wishing Ben would stop crying, just for a little while.

"Is everything alright?" Jo asked, chewing on the end of her pen.

"Yeah, Ben's just got some colic it seems. Linds feels like if she can't get him to calm down then it's her fault."

"It's not her fault at all."

"I know. She just wants it to be perfect and when it's not… I don't know, she's just having a rough time this go-around."

"Last time was easy?"

"For all intents and purposes, we got spoiled with the easiest baby on the planet. And we thought Ben would be the same, but he's had some issues the last few days."

"Why don't you go home?"

"Nah, if I go home, as much as she's begging me, she's going to think that I think she can't handle it. And I know she can, she just needs to have a pep talk here and there. If she calls back then I know she really does need me."

"You've got her figured out, don't you?"

"Well it is kind of my job."

"I wish my husband would have paid that much attention to me. I would have been less likely to throw that cookie jar at him."

"A cookie jar?"

"It was right there," she shrugged. "He deserved it."

"Remind me to never get on your bad side."

* * *

When Adam came home a few hours later, he could immediately hear that Ben was still crying. It seemed that Lindsay had taken his advice and put him in the other room for a while. She was laying on the couch, looking very sad and tired while Colton played on the floor.

"Hey sweetie."

"Hi."

"Hasn't stopped?"

"No. He won't even slow down enough to eat, so he hasn't nursed all day and I don't know what to do for him."

"I've got an idea."

"You do?" she asked, her demeanor totally changing as she sat up and wiped her own tears away.

"You go ahead and get ready to go outside okay?"

"Outside?"

"Jo told me that when Tyler was colicky, fresh air helped."

"It's cold out."

"We'll bundle him up. Colton, wanna go outside and go for a walk?"

"Yeah!"

He jumped up off the floor and grabbed his coat off the hook by the door, then brought Lindsay his snow boots.

"Put 'em on me, mama. We go out."

She smiled and obliged while Adam got up and went into the other room for Ben.

"I love outside," Colton said, playing with the zipper on his coat.

"I know, me too," Lindsay agreed, helping him to his feet and then pulling him into her lap. "Thank you for being such a good helper today."

"You welcome, mama."

"I'm sorry I didn't play with you very much."

"It okay, you have hard time. Ben bein' trouble."

"It's not his fault though."

"No, he just a little baby. Daddy home now, he make it better."

"Yeah, I think so too."

"You not cry more, mama," he said, reaching up and running his finger over the tear tracks on her cheek. "It okay now."

"Thank you, buddy."

They stood up from the couch and she pulled her coat on, noting that Ben's crying was a lot quieter than it had been. Either Adam was a miracle worker or he had finally cried himself out. At first she had just been frustrated with not knowing what to do. And then the sound had become too much, the constant whining and screeching and she could feel herself becoming frustrated with him instead of the situation. They were going to have to figure something out because she wasn't sure she could do this every day.

"Alright, I think we're warm enough over here," Adam said, bringing a bundled baby into the room. "Linds, you want to wear him or should I?"

She smirked as he dangled the baby sling in front of her, and as frustrated as she had been, she knew she needed that closeness to Ben again. Even if he was still crying.

It wasn't until he was securely slinged up against her that he started to calm, at least a little. The cries became less screechy and managed to hit a volume and pitch that didn't make her want to pull her hair out.

"Daddy, I ride on your shoulders okay?"

"Yeah, you can, let's wait until we get outside."

"Whuddup!" he hollered excitedly, jumping up and down. "Let's go!"

"He is so your child," Lindsay snickered, bouncing Ben gently.

"Are you making fun of his zest for life?"

"No, actually I'm glad he has it."

They made their way outside and Adam put Colton on his shoulders as they walked slowly around the block.

"You doin' okay babe?"

She smiled and gave him a little nod.

"I think I just needed to get out of the house too."

"And what about like… in general. You're okay?"

"Yeah. I've been watching for it," she said, not wanting to give a name to her struggles. "I haven't had any of the feelings I had before. But you'll know if I do."

"Deal. Hey, since we're out, do you wanna grab a pizza for dinner?"

"Yeah, sure."

"What was that look about?"

"Nothing, I just had a flashback to when we were dating and grabbing a pizza was so… normal. We don't do it very often now."

"We're more grown up with more refined palates."

"That or we've finally realized how expensive it is to order out all the time."

"Hmm, that could be. Extra pepperoni?"

"Do you even have to ask?"

* * *

Evening found them on the couch, Colton asleep across their laps, Lindsay rocking Ben's swing with her foot. The news was playing but it was in one ear and out the other as the hour got later and eyelids got heavier. Lindsay was dreading the next day, crossing mental fingers that Ben would be alright and the crying would be at a minimum. She knew she would be fine, but she hated to see him so upset. She wanted to do some research, see if it was colic, but she was afraid that it might be and she would have to resign herself to weeks of this. She hated the fact that she had begged Adam to come home early, like she couldn't do it herself. But of course he understood, understood better than she did, and didn't think she was incapable at all. Sometimes she thought that he was better suited to stay home with the kids while she went to work. He had far more patience and wherewithal to deal with the wrenches that seemed to get thrown into the works. Of course, he said the same thing about her, crediting her mothering instincts and downplaying his own abilities.

She supposed it was just the stress of the day that was making her question these things, so she put it out of her mind, yawning and resting her head on Adam's shoulder.

"Time to put the boys to bed?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Looks like someone's waking up," he said as Ben started to stir.

"I'll deal with that one, you deal with this one."

"Deal. I'll meet you back here and we'll share popcorn and watch Craig Ferguson?"

"Absolutely."

He stood up and brought Ben to her, then took Colton into the other room.

"Alright Benjamin, are you hungry?" she asked, offering her finger to him. He sucked on it greedily, then looked up at her as he realized it wasn't exactly what he wanted.

"Oh cruel betrayal," she said, running her hand over his head once he had calmed down enough to eat. "I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I guess we weren't seeing eye to eye, were we?"

He looked up at her and she swore she saw a mischievous grin, as if he had just won the upper hand in some kind of pseudo battle they had going. She smiled back and stroked his cheek, all thoughts of the day falling out of her head as she watched at him, looked at him, learned him. People were right, he did look more like her. She could see bits of Adam too, but he was definitely more like his mama. The fact delighted her and she dropped a kiss to his forehead. His arm waved in the air and then dropped down to her collarbone while he took a little breathing break.

"I love you, Benjamin. Do you know that? Who am I kidding, of course you know that. At least you look at me like you know it."

His eyelashes rested on his cheeks as he gave in to sleep, his hand falling from where it had been. She caught it in hers, pressing gentle kisses to his palm before adjusting her shirt and sitting him up to burp him. He wasn't thrilled with the movements and gave her a look to make sure she knew just how much he disapproved. She just gave him a smile and wrapped him in his blankets before taking him in the other room and placing him in the bassinet. He stretched and settled in, and she rocked it gently for a moment before going back out to the couch.

"Are you sure you wanna stay up, babe? You look wiped out."

"I'll go to bed in a little while," she said, pulling her legs up under her and snuggling against his side.

"I didn't burn the popcorn," he said, tipping the bowl towards her. She grinned and took a few pieces.

"Thanks hon."

"I'm proud of the way you handled things today."

"I didn't handle anything, Adam," she said with a sigh. "I just gave up and let him cry."

"You didn't give up, Linds. You needed some sanity and you holding him wasn't working so you had to put him down."

"But that didn't work either."

"You felt a little better didn't you?"

"A tiny bit. But I didn't fix him."

"There was nothing to fix. He was just crying. I'm not trying to belittle your frustration here honey, but I don't want you to beat yourself up over something that you don't have control over."

She just sighed.

"It's like when you have nightmares. No matter how tight I hold you and no matter how safe you feel before you go to sleep, I can't keep them from coming. Does that make me a bad husband?"

"Not at all."

"Then you're not a bad mother."

"Thank you."

"I knew you'd respond to logic."

She smiled and suddenly felt better as if he had removed every doubt from her mind merely with words.

"You're so good to me."

"Well I love you. And I might be trying to butter you up a bit."

"What do you want?" she asked, sleepily nuzzling his chest.

"Street hockey on Saturday."

"Will it be warm enough?"

"Yeah."

"And you won't go if we get snow?"

"I won't."

"You'll come home in one piece?"

"Yes."

"You won't let any pucks by?"

"I'll try."

"Okay."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. You need to relax too. Working all day takes a lot out of you and then when you come home you don't even just sit and play video games. You haven't gone in awhile. You need some time off."

"For real?"

"Yes."

"You gonna come watch?"

"Nope."

"Are you ever going to come watch?"

"I did that one time."

"Four years ago and you've never been back."

"You're the only fun thing to look at."

"You really hate hockey, don't you?"

"There's nothing wrong with it, it's just not my speed. Maybe when the weather gets warmer."

"I'm holding you to that."

"Alright."

"You're not going to make it through the opening monologue are you?"

"Nope."

"Can I put you to bed or do you wanna stay out here?"

"Right here."

"Good. I gotcha where I wantcha."

She grinned and wrapped her arms around him before drifting easily into a quiet sleep.


	105. Chapter 105

"Aust, we can't do this ever again," Lindsay said, grabbing a giggling Isa and giving her a hug as she passed.

"Do what?"

"Go this long without seeing each other. The kids miss each other too much."

"But you and I, it's no big deal."

"Oh of course not."

Austin chuckled and climbed off the chair where she had been changing a lightbulb in the kitchen.

"Okay, I think I have fulfilled my to-do list for the day. I mean, changing a lightbulb, you can attest to the difficulty of that," she said, picking Ben up from the couch cushion and sitting down.

"I totally agree with you there."

"We goin' in the room," Colton said, following Isa into the girls bedroom.

"Latah!" Isa shouted.

"Bye!" Sarah said with a smile and a wave. Three sets of feet pounded across the floor and the bedroom door closed behind them. Lindsay and Austin looked at each other and grinned, eyebrows up.

"In ten years that won't be cute anymore," Lindsay noted.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they won't do it when Danny's around."

"He's already been practicing his shot gun stare, I've seen it."

"He's really proud of it," Austin chucked. "I don't think he's going to have to worry about Colton though. He's going to be way too much of a gentleman."

"We hope so. He'll probably be jealous of any guy Isa even gives the time of day too."

"Maybe so. She's pretty irresistible."

"Sarah's gonna have boys lining up at the door, just waiting for her to look up from her book or whatever she's doing quietly in the corner to give them a smile."

"How did Danny and I manage to produce a Sarah?"

"You got lucky. Just imagine how life is gonna be with a second Danny Messer in the house."

"Everyone warned us."

"At least he's sweet now," Lindsay said, clucking her tongue at Junior who was quite content in her lap and making faces that Lindsay swore she had seen Danny make.

"Geez Linds, Ben looks like you."

"I think so too. He raised his eyebrows the other day and Adam about lost it laughing. He said all he needed was a hand on his hip."

"That is your trademark."

"One of them at least."

Austin chuckled.

"When do you go back to work?"

"Uhh, soon. I'm thinking about taking some more time though. I just don't feel ready yet."

"Me neither. After Isa was born I was pretty ready, but after Sarah it was too hard. And this time I don't want to even think about it."

"So that's why you kept getting pregnant."

"Oh yeah, of course that was it."

They both chuckled, somewhat tiredly.

"So, you doing okay?" Austin asked, picking some fuzz off of Ben's outfit.

"I'm exhausted. We had a rough few days, but we hit a good stride so we're doing better."

"Colton jealous?"

"Not so far, at least not outwardly. He's actually been a big help. He wakes up in the morning and the first words out of his mouth are "Where my baby mama?" which Adam thinks is hilarious and Colton can't figure out why we're laughin'. How're you guys doin'?"

"I'm tired. Danny's tired. The girls are just about beside themselves when they get to hold the baby."

"You love it."

"I know. It's weird, I always thought I would be bored by a simple life. It seems that it was actually what I was looking for all this time."

"You do seem more settled. You're still you but… I don't know, there's a little more calm in the storm."

"You think I'm stormy?"

"Just rain. A little lightning sometimes. A roll of thunder occasionally. And to stop you from making this face I have to include the fact that I mean all this as a compliment."

"How?"

"Because I love you?"

Austin gave her a look.

"Storms are my favorite weather."

"But you're comparing me to destruction."

"Okay I didn't call you a tornado. That's what I usually call you and you never get upset."

"I'm not upset, I'm just trying to figure this out."

"You're not a bad storm. You're those kind that come in the middle of summer. No one's expecting it and it comes out of nowhere and takes all the heat away and makes everything fresh again. It's the good kind of storm, I swear."

"How do you always see these things in me that I've never seen before?"

"Because you're my best friend and it's my job to see them."

"Ego stroker."

"Dirty."

Austin snorted and shook her head.

"We have issues."

"What gets into us?"

"I think there were some childhoods we missed out on," Austin commented.

"You are my later teenage years."

"We need a secret handshake."

"I'm too tired to think of one."

* * *

"Daddy, we home!" Colton shouted as they came through the door. He kicked his shoes off and ran over to the desk where Adam was sitting, checking his e-mail.

"Hey buddy. Did you have fun with the girls?"

"Yep. We was monsters, and then we play Toy Story. I Woody, Isa Buzz and Sa'ah be Slinky."

"That sounds like a good time."

"Yep. I not wanna come home, but mama make me."

"Well we'd miss you if you stayed there all the time."

"But I wanna play."

"Tell you what. Give me a little bit to talk to mama and then I'll come and play with you."

"Okay. I go get my toys out," he said, smiling and taking off into his bedroom. Lindsay smiled as she watched him go, then turned back to her seemingly out of sorts husband, running her hand through his hair.

"What's the matter?"

"Can you read this?" he asked, pointing to the e-mail he had up on the screen.

"Sure."

He pulled her down into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist as she read.

"Is this for real?" she asked once she had finished reading.

"I think so. I can't really verify it from here."

"He's claiming to be your brother. Do you think your dad could have had another kid?"

"It's completely possible."

"Wouldn't his sister know? I mean, you're still in contact with her."

"She took mom's side in the whole thing, so I don't know how much he talks to her. I mean, I know she's the reason he found me here, but I don't know. It sounds legit. He's got my dad's name."

"Timothy Ross. It's an awfully common name, honey. I think maybe we should do some checking."

"You're probably right."

"Want me to call Mac and see what he can do?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

She stood up and took the phone into the other room while he looked over the e-mail again.

_Are you Adam Ross, son of Timothy Ross, born in Phoenix, Arizona? If so, I'm your half brother. I know this is a strange way to find you, but I've asked your high school and your college for your e-mail address and I finally found you through someone you went to grad school with. I always knew I had a brother out there somewhere and I really hope I finally found you. I'm sorry if I've contacted the wrong person, but if it really is you, I would love to hear back. _

_Timothy J. Ross Jr._

He sat back in his chair, his hands running over his beard in frustration. He didn't need this now. He had half a mind to write back and say he was the wrong person. Part of him also wondered if this was his dad again, trying out yet another way to get into his life. No matter what it was, he was certain that he didn't want to deal with it right now.

"Mac's running a trace on the e-mail address. He said he'll call back as soon as he gets some information."

"Okay. Thanks babe."

"You alright honey?" she asked, reseating herself in his lap.

"I don't know."

"Tell me."

"I don't think I want it to be true. It's just another reminder of everything. And I know I can't live in the past and most of the time it doesn't hurt but right now, I just don't want to deal with it."

"Then let's not deal with it for right now. Just leave it alone, wait until Mac calls back and then decide what to do from there."

"Alright. Thanks hon."

"That's what I'm here for."

"What should I do while I wait?"

"You wanna change a diaper? Thing Two's got one cookin' over there."

"Okay, I'll change him. And then I think I am going to go and spend some time with my other kid that I've hardly seen in two days."

"Sounds like a solid plan. What do you want for dinner?"

"Eh, whatever."

"Liver and onions it is."

"Evil woman."

She chuckled as he left the room with Ben, then turned back to the computer, reading the e-mail over a few more times. A knot settled in her stomach with every pass over the name. Timothy J. Ross Jr. If this was real, if this was Adam's brother, then his father had passed his name on to the second son. And even though Adam was not a fan of his father, that fact had to be eating away at him.

She signed out of his e-mail and checked her own, managing to send replies to her mother and sister-in-law before the phone rang again.

"Hello?"

"Lindsay, it's Mac."

"Hey. What did you find out?"

"I tracked back from his e-mail and found his driver's license. He lives in Long Beach. I went further and found his marriage license and his birth certificate. I can't do DNA, but with the resources I have, I have to say that this is Adam's half brother."

She sighed and leaned back into the chair, rubbing her eyes.

"How old is he?"

"He was born in 1987 in Ohio, went to NYU, got married this past fall."

"So he's been in the city for a couple years then."

"It seems he moved here about the same time Adam did."

"Okay."

"Do you guys want me to look for anything else? I ran all the checks that I was able to legally. He doesn't have a record, not even sealed juvenile documents. His financials look to be in order, so I don't think he's trying to dupe you or anything."

"Thanks Mac. We'll let you know if there's anything else."

"Alright. Good luck."

They hung up and she sighed again, staring at the phone on the desk and wondering how to go about telling Adam. As always seemed to be better with them, she decided on straight forward and immediately.

She went into the boys bedroom and found the three of them laying on their stomach on the floor. Ben was chewing on his hand while Adam and Colton pored over a dinosaur book. They were both laughing, delighted at being together and she stood in the doorway for a while, just watching them. Colton looked up after a minute and motioned for her to sit on his other side.

"Mama, come and be dinosaur with us."

She smiled and laid down next to him while he chattered about the dinosaurs on the page and which one would win in a fight. Adam caught her eye but she didn't give anything away, wanting instead to actually talk to him about it.

"I got this one!" Colton shouted, pointing at the page before jumping off the floor. "In my toys!"

He ran over to his toybox and began the hunt for the plastic dinosaur while Lindsay sighed and took Adam's hand.

"So is it true?"

"Yes."

He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"What should I do?"

"I don't know, honey."

"Give me options."

"I think you've got three. You can either write him back and tell him he's got the wrong person, you can write him back and tell him you don't want to have anything to do with him, or you can wait a few days and let it settle before you decide."

"I don't think that I don't want to have anything to do with him, I'm just not sure if that would be a good idea. I don't know if he's in contact with my father, I don't know why he wanted to find me, and I don't know if he's someone that's safe for us to be associated with. If it was just me I might not be thinking about it so hard, but it's you guys too. What do you think I should do?"

"I can't tell you that, Adam. All I can say is that no matter what you decide I'm going to support you in it."

"I guess I'll think about it."

She smiled and ran her hand across his shoulders, wishing she could get inside his head and know exactly what he was feeling and what he was thinking about. She was pretty certain that he would give this guy a chance, and she knew that it could end up being a really good thing for him. He was going to have to reach those conclusions on his own though, or he would feel like he was forced into this and it would leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

"Colton, you want some grilled cheese for dinner?"

"Yes!" he shouted from the depths of his toybox. "And juice to drink?"

"Sure."

She gave Adam a little smile, then got up from the floor and went into the kitchen, giving him some space to think.

* * *

"I think I'm going to do it."

Lindsay looked up at him curiously, wondering how he had come to that conclusion so quickly. It had only been a few hours and she had figured he'd spend a day or two thinking about it at least.

"You're going to write him back?"

"Yeah. Not right this second. Tomorrow sometime."

"What are you going to say?"

"I don't know yet," he sighed, rolling over to face her. "I'm not exactly sure what I'm thinkin' you know?"

"Yeah. It's gotta be weird after this long, to find out that there's someone out there."

"I've never had a brother before. I always wanted one when I was a kid. Closest I ever came was my cousins, but they just liked to torment me."

"Are you going to tell your mom?"

"I don't know. Maybe after a while. You think I should?"

"I think it might be a good idea for you to wait."

"You think I'm doing the right thing, Linds?"

"I think that if you're comfortable, then it's the right thing."

"Thank you," he said, nuzzling his nose against hers. "How did I ever function before you came along?"

"Adderall," she replied seriously.

"You're better than drugs."

"Oh gag."

Chuckling he rolled them both over, pinning her gently to the mattress. She blew a strand of hair off of her forehead and grinned up at him, her eyes wide with amusement.

"Just for that smart remark…"

"Adam, don't even-"

His lips dropped to her neck and he blew a raspberry, causing her to giggle uncontrollably. She gave very little effort in trying to push him away, settling instead for pinching his side.

"Hey not fair!"

"You're not fair. You're bigger than me!"

"Yeah, but who here carries a gun and is a totally scrappy fighter?"

"I'm not fighting you, I don't want you injured."

Snorting a laugh he covered her lips with his, increasing the pressure until her now free arms came up and wrapped around his neck. She urged him closer and he gently let himself rest on top of her as her fingers drug through his hair.

"Adam," she started as his lips left hers and moved back to her neck.

"Lindsay."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He leaned closer, prepared to whisper something in her ear that was only ever meant for whispering when they heard a cry from the other room.

"Go back to sleep, go back to sleep," Lindsay chanted. There was a moment of silence and she sucked in a breath, hoping that luck was smiling on them. But then a second cry, louder than the first one came drifting over the air. She sighed.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright."

"I'm really, really sorry."

"It's okay. Go be mom. I'll be here when you get back. 'Course, I might be asleep."

"You're not funny," she said, tossing the covers off and getting out of bed.

"That's life baby. Deal."

The pillow that she lobbed across the room hit its target quite nicely.


	106. Chapter 106

A/N: I just have to thank Julia/Piper for giving me this little addition to my twist (don't say it, it's too easy kid). This would be quite pithy without it. I heart your face and cardboard and the fact that my facebook inbox is all you.

* * *

It was raining again, as Adam stared out the window of the silent apartment. Lindsay had escaped a bit ago to do the grocery shopping, leaving him alone with both boys. Of course she had waited until nap time, so Colton was currently on the floor, his sock monkey under his head and other various toys scattered around him. Ben was asleep too, stretched out on Adam's chest and breathing lightly. It was a completely relaxed way to spend an afternoon, but Adam's couldn't relax, so full was his mind of current events.

Tomorrow morning he was going to meet his brother. Sometimes the thought brought excitement, but other times he dreaded it. It could be a good thing, and he knew that. But he also knew the ramifications of having anything to do with anyone that had anything to do with his father. Several times he had told Lindsay that it might be better if he put the whole thing off. She hadn't helped his decision making, saying that she trusted him to do what was best for all of them. What he secretly wanted is for her to give him the perfect answer. But he knew she wouldn't even if she had it. He had to decide or it would be the wrong answer.

A little advice didn't hurt though, so he picked up the phone and stared at the numbers, his thumb touching each one in practiced succession, a number he had known for so long, but one he rarely used. He pictured the connection being made, from New York to a busy accounting office in Phoenix.

"Dave Nicklas."

"Dad, answering your own phone."

"Hey, Adam," Dave chuckled leaning back in his chair. "The secretary's on her lunch break. I gotta do some work around here once in a while."

"Yeah, you always told me that was good for a man."

"Keeps us humble. So what's up son?"

"I uh… just wanted to say hi. We don't really talk much, you know. I mean, we don't really need to I guess. But, I dunno, I just thought that while I was home I would say hey."

"What's goin' on son? You knock Lindsay up again already?"

"No," Adam chuckled, rubbing Ben's back to keep him asleep. "We've got our hands full with just the two for now. I actually was kinda… I wanted to tell you… I think I should tell you that is… um… well I got this e-mail last week. This guy, he said that he thought he might be my half brother."

There was a silence from the other end of the phone.

"You think your father had another kid?"

"He had the same name. We ran a background check. I had someone do a little investigating outside of that. Barring a DNA test… he's my brother."

"Wow. Have you written him back?"

"Yeah, a few times. I'm going to meet him for coffee tomorrow. I don't know if that's the best decision though, dad."

"You think it might be your father trying to get to you?"

"In a way. I don't know if he's that underhanded."

"Yes you do, Adam."

"I just don't want to think he's going to use this to… I don't know. Manipulate. I want to think he has nothing to do with this other than the fact that we're tied to him biologically."

"You want to know what I think?"

"Always."

"Think that you have to go into this hoping that it's going to be good, but you're going to have to be prepared if it's not."

"I wish I'd never opened that e-mail."

"No you don't son. You've always wondered if you had a brother or sister out there somewhere. No taking that back now."

"I know, I just… I guess this would be easier if it wasn't so difficult."

"You sound like your mother."

"Thanks dad."

"Son, I think you're just going to have to be extra cautions about this. You're not dumb and you're not going to do anything stupid, but be careful, alright?"

"Yeah."

"Did you tell your mom?"

"No. I don't want to get her all upset and this would make her really, really upset. I'm going to wait until I'm sure."

"Probably the best course of action. What does Lindsay say about all this?"

"She says that she's going to support me and be there for me no matter what I decide and no matter what happens. But she's not been giving me any opinions."

"She knows you well."

"Yes, she does."

"How are the boys?"

"They're fine," Adam answered, glad for the change in subject. "Ben's spoiling us by sleeping through the night. But Colton's taken it upon himself to wake us up around two by crawling into bed with us."

"It's not parenthood if you're getting a full night's rest."

"I guess not."

"Colton still taking to Ben okay?"

"Yeah. We've had a few issues where he'll throw himself on the floor and beg Lindsay to play with him when she's busy with Ben, but we don't think he's held that kind of thing against anyone but us. He's still as protective and loving to Ben as he ever was."

"It'll be nice when they're older and can play together."

"Yeah, we're looking forward to that," he said. "And I see what you're doing there, dad. Get me talking about the boys being brothers and all that."

Dave chuckled.

"Just offering a little perspective son."

"I think I get your meaning. Thanks dad."

"That's what I'm here for."

"I'd better let you go. I know you're busy this time of year."

"Yeah, I've got a few calls waiting."

"Thanks for taking the time."

"Whenever you want, son. I promised you."

"Yeah, you did. Thanks dad."

"You're welcome. Call back if you need anything."

"I will. Bye."

"Bye son."

He hung up the phone and looked down at Ben, who was awake and staring at him through sleepy eyes.

"Are you hungry little man? Mama left a bottle for you that I bet you would love to have right about now."

"I feed Ben, daddy," Colton said, yawning and sitting up from the floor. "Please?"

"Yeah, let my just warm up his bottle, okay?"

They went into the kitchen and Adam heated the glass bottle for a few seconds in the microwave, letting Colton have a cookie while he waited.

"Alright, go sit in your spot."

Colton ran out to the other room, sitting down on the couch and making sure he had a throw pillow under each arm.

"Okay, ready."

Adam made sure both boys were situated, then handed the bottle to Colton.

"Remember be gentle."

"I know daddy. Boy, he hungry today."

"Looks like it. He's going to have some big burps."

"Yep," Colton agreed, leaning down to kiss Ben's forehead.

"Do you love him, buddy?"

"Yep. He's pretty good."

Adam smiled and sat down, settling his arm on the back of the couch, watching his boys as they looked at each other. He couldn't explain the feeling that washed over him at that moment and he didn't really want to miss out on the present by trying to figure it out.

"Daddy, he all done," Colton reported after a while, handing him the bottle. "Help burping please."

"Alright. Let's see what we can get outta the little man."

"That a puny one, Ben. Try again."

Ben grunted and yawned, obviously done with the whole ordeal. Colton sighed and gently moved Ben so he was sitting up a little more.

"Now we watch some cartoons?"

"Well, I guess that couldn't hurt."

* * *

That's how Lindsay found them when she returned home an hour later, laden down with groceries.

"Need help?"

"Nah, I did the thing where you hang ten bags on each arm. And I am going to sit my tired behind down for a while so maybe you can put them away," she answered, plopping all the bags on the table.

"Yeah, I'll get to it in a bit."

She smiled and sat down on the couch with a sigh. Ben looked up at her and gave her the teeniest of smiles and she reached over to take him into her arms.

"Hey Benjamin. Did you miss me?"

"He had a big yucky, mama. Daddy got the air spray."

"Oh that bad huh?"

"It was nasty."

Lindsay giggled and kissed Colton's cheek.

"And what did you do while I was gone?"

"Nothin'."

"Nothing? Nothing at all?"

"I was sleepin'. Then I waked up. Then you come home."

"Sounds like a full day my friend."

"I not your friend, I your big boy."

"Oh right. How silly of me to forget."

He smiled and slid off the couch, bored with conversation when he could be playing.

"And what about you, daddy-o?" Lindsay asked, reaching over for Adam's hand.

"Oh, you know, played with the boys, watched cartoons, did a little soul searching. The usual."

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's alright," he said, pulling her feet up into his lap and taking her shoes off. She wiggled her toes at him and giggled while his hands gently massaged her feet, a little bit of pampering that he rarely ever gave her.

"That feels good."

"You play your cards right and I might pay attention to something more than your feet."

She opened one eye and looked at him with a lopsided grin.

"I'm sure you will."

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her quickly.

"Alright, I'm going to go and put those groceries away and then maybe we can get some dinner going?"

"Get back to me on that in twenty minutes."

They spent the next several hours doing a whole lot of not much, enjoying the chance to just be them without anywhere to be or any responsibilities. It was nice to get lost in Colton's imagination or try and decode all of Ben's coos and gurgles and not have to worry about what they could be doing instead. The dishes would be dirty tomorrow, the laundry was going to pile up anyway, but there was only one today.

Once the boys were tucked into bed and the heat had kicked back on, Lindsay turned on the stereo softly and joined Adam in the kitchen where he was wrestling with a cookie package to get it open. Smiling, she placed a hand on his back and took it away from him, setting it on the counter. He gave her a puzzled look, but she just smiled and kissed him, then wrapped her arms around him and held on. He sighed, a long puff of air across her neck, burying his face in her hair as they swayed slowly to the music.

"It's going to be okay," she said finally, pulling away to look at him. "Everything tomorrow is going to be just fine."

"You think so?"

"I do. What I'm more worried about, honey is that if you don't do this, it's going to bug you for the rest of your life. Even if it turns out that the two of you don't get along, or something even worse than that, at least you'll know."

"How come this is the first time you've said anything?"

"Because you had to decide this on your own or it wouldn't work. If I told you not to do it, you would have called the whole thing off without another thought just because you wanted to make me happy. That's not fair to you, baby. You had to decide for yourself."

"Okay."

"Are you mad at me for that?"

"No. It's just that we're a team. We're supposed to do it all together."

"I was right there with you. Remember when I had to go back to Montana for the trial? You sent me out there alone, but it didn't mean you'd left me. It just meant that I needed to do something for myself. This is the same."

"Okay. I get it."

"If I really thought this was going to be a bad thing, if I had serious reservations, I would say something. And I'm not telling you that I think it's going to be the easiest thing in the world, because I don't. But sometimes… sometimes you just have to do hard things."

"You make me a better man, Lindsay. Do you know that?"

"Well I don't know if I agree with that, I mean you're pretty perfect just as you are. But I'll take it."

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss her, almost in disbelief that this wonderful woman was all his.

"Cookies and milk in bed?" she asked with a grin. He nodded and released her, getting two glasses of milk while she finally got the cookies open.

"Hey Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"You're amazing."

She grinned and leaned up to kiss him.

"C'mon, let's go."

He grinned and followed her, knowing that no matter what happened tomorrow, hers would be the smile he would be coming home to.


	107. Chapter 107

A/N: One of my favorite chapters so far.

* * *

Adam turned the water glass around and around on the table, watching the condensation move across the plexiglass top. He'd ordered a pastry but hadn't touched it, taking tiny sips of water while he made quick glances out the window. He'd been early to the meeting and he suddenly wished he had made a worse impression and been late instead. No one in the world would have guess at his nervousness, just sitting here. He didn't fidget much, and looked like he was casually waiting for someone to show up. Of course he knew that he was going to start rambling and stuttering the second he had to speak. Lindsay was the only person who had ever been able to calm his speech in situations like that, just by being in the room with him. He wished she was here now to smile at him or make a joke about Godot or something else that would just be between them, a quiet port in the midst of chaos.

He smiled as he thought of her, the way she had looked this morning before he left; her hair all curled around her face, sitting gently on her shoulders. The black turtleneck that seemed to brighten her eyes, while the old blue jeans made her look taller, stronger. She'd held his hand for a long time before he left as their foreheads pressed together and his breathing had slowed to normal. She'd pulled away a little and kissed him, with as much love as she could convey. A tiny smile and a few words of encouragement had followed him out the door and he recalled them now, taking a deep breath as the coffee shop door opened.

If looks were any indication, there wouldn't be a DNA test needed. Tim looked just like him. They stared at each other for a moment across the room, contemplating, and Adam realized that he wasn't the only one nervous about this. He stood up from the table as Tim approached, and hesitantly they shook hands.

"Hi."

"Hi."

They both sat down, looking anywhere but at each other for several minutes before they got their bearings.

"I didn't know what to order you so…" Adam began, twisting his ring around his finger.

"I'm not really sure I want anything just yet," Tim replied, clearing his throat.

"So."

"So."

"How'd you find out about me?" Adam blurted finally.

"I've always known about you. Dad told me when I was a kid that I had a brother. Said he made some mistakes and you and your mom left him."

"Yeah."

"He never told me where you were though. I always just thought that… well, I thought you guys took off for no reason. I still don't know what happened, but I'm not really interested in that."

"Story for another day."

"Yeah. Anyway, I always wondered where you were and what you were like. I didn't start looking really seriously until I got engaged. I was hoping to find you before the wedding, but… well anyway, I found you now."

Adam nodded.

"So how's this thing supposed to go?"

"I have no idea," Tim chuckled with a shake of his head.

"I gotta ask you, and I don't want you to be offended, but I have to make sure. Did he put you up to this?"

"Dad? No. He doesn't even know. We're not that close. I mean, no offense to him, he was a great dad, we just never really had much in common."

"He was a great dad?" Adam asked, swallowing hard.

"Yeah. In the provided for us, loved us kind of way. I mean, I don't exactly want to be just like him, but I've seen worse. He was always around. Never skipped out on us."

"Oh."

"So um… you said you're married? Got some kids of your own?"

"Yeah, yeah," Adam said, shaking his head to rid himself of the revelation. "Lindsay and I, we've got two boys. Colton's three, Ben's two months."

"Stacy wants kids soon. She wants girls though."

"I can't give you any advice on girls," Adam said, leaning back in his chair. "Bein' married doesn't even give you that much insight."

"Nah, not really. So uh, you work at the crime lab?"

"Yeah. Not as glamorous as it sounds, but it gets the bills paid. You?"

"Programmer. Video games."

"Is that right?" Adam asked, sitting up again. "For real?"

"Yeah. Working on a few big projects right now. Early stages, but it could be big."

Adam nodded and smiled, intrigued with his brother and forgetting for now the father that they shared.

* * *

"Hey babe, how'd it go?" Lindsay asked when Adam came home. "You were gone for a while."

"Yeah. It went fine. Where are the boys?"

"They both conked out at the same time, if you can believe that. Come sit down, tell me what happened."

He just shook his head and went into the kitchen, leaning over the sink and staring out the window. Lindsay joined him after a second lightly running her hand over his back, then moving closer and pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

"Hon, what happened?"

He sighed and shook his head then turned and looked at her.

"My father. He never hit Tim."

She sucked in a breath and closed her eyes, feeling absolutely conflicted at that fact. On the one hand she would never wish beatings on any child. But on the other hand, she was pretty certain how this was making Adam feel.

"He told you that?"

"Yeah. All these years, I thought he was just an alcoholic with anger issues. Now I find out that it really was just me."

"Oh, Adam. It wasn't you. It was his fault. He made those decisions."

"I'm tired of hearing that," he said, pushing back from the sink and going to the fridge. "I need a drink."

She watched as he flung the door opened and grabbed one of the beers that was still sitting there from the last time the guys were over for a game. Neither one of them drank, they both had issues with alcohol and it was never in the house, so the chances of it being there when he was so angry and hurt only made Lindsay grab it out of his hand faster.

"What was so wrong with me?" he asked as she ripped the cap off the beer and watched it chug down the sink. "Why wasn't I enough for him? Obviously he could do the parenting thing without beating his kid to a pulp, so why me?"

"Adam-"

"Don't tell me he just had a problem, Lindsay. Don't tell me that because that doesn't help. The common denominator here is me. I was the one he hit. I was the kid that couldn't cut it for some reason. I was the one that wasn't enough. Every time he smacked me around, every time he told me I was a waste, I just started to believe that was a lie, and now I hear this. What am I supposed to think, Lindsay? That he only failed me because I failed him first? Because as soon as he got a more perfect child, all that anger and violence went away. He ran us off and then he was fine. So what was it? It was me. It was always me."

"Adam, stop-"

He cursed and punched the refrigerator door, leaving a small dent right on the weak point. Lindsay just stood there, her face not changing as she waited for him to meet her eyes. It took him a moment but he finally did, and all she saw there was guilt. He rushed across the room and took her into his arms, tears breaking free from his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Linds. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll never hurt you. Never. I love you. I love you. I'm so sorry."

She held tightly to him, crying tears of her own as she felt his grief. Years and years of anger that he had never expressed flooded out from him and she wanted to push it all away, far away from their home, which was supposed to be filled with happiness and light.

"It's okay Adam. I know. It's all okay."

He pulled away after a while, ashamed at himself for crying, ashamed for lashing out, ashamed that she had seen that side of him. But her eyes didn't reflect any of that back at him. There was only compassion, not pity, love, not anger, patience, not frustration. She reached up and gently wiped his tears away, then moved him over to the table and sat him down. She disappeared for a moment, and he stared at the spot on the fridge that he had hit, recalling all the places in his childhood home that had been dented by his father's hand, or by his own body being used as a cannonball. He'd wanted so badly then to stand up for himself. But every time he had tried, he had been met with a fist, or a screaming insult. He'd never had that power, and even now he couldn't reign in his own emotions.

Lindsay returned after a few minutes, working the disposable ice pack in her hands. She looked at him, raked her fingers through his hair, then sat down on his lap and pressed the ice pack to his hand. He winced at the temperature change, pulling his hand away until she wrapped the ice pack in a towel and tried again. They sat like that for less than a minute before he pulled his hand away again.

"Adam, you're hurt."

"She used to do this."

"What?"

"My mom. She would always ice his hands and calm him down before she would help me. I'd sit there with a bloody nose and he'd scream at me for bleeding on the carpet, and she would just ignore it until he'd cooled down. Then she'd sneak away when he wasn't looking to come and check on me but by that time I'd already fixed myself."

"Babe, let me fix you this time."

"No. It has to hurt. I'm sorry, but I need to get out of here."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just do."

"Adam Ross, you had better come home tonight," she said, standing up from his lap. "And you'd better come home safe."

He knew exactly what she meant and he nodded sadly. She wanted to grab him and hold him until it all went away, but she knew better than that.

"I love you, Adam. No matter what."

"I know."

* * *

He walked for a long time, until it was dark even, winding through their neighborhood and even further. He was angry at himself for so many things, angry at his father, angry at his mom, and angry that he was so angry at all. He'd promised himself that he would never lash out like he had, never use a fist to make a point, never yell and most certainly never turn to the bottle to deal with it. And today, he'd failed on all of that. He couldn't blame Lindsay if she was upset or disappointed in him, or even if she was scared of him. It would hurt to see that in her eyes and he knew it wouldn't be there, but he wouldn't fault her if it was.

There was a lot of hurt too. Physically, his head hurt from the yelling and the stress and the angst of the whole situation. Emotionally, well that was a whole 'nother story, one he didn't really want to open right now. There was so much there; failure, betrayal, guilt, loneliness, shame. It made him feel so grimy and unworthy and he couldn't imagine that someone would love him how he was.

He wanted to go home, sink into Lindsay's arms and just let her hold him, feel her loving him to a greater degree than he had ever been hated. She was the first place he had ever felt completely wanted and safe and trusted. She was the first one to ever heal wounds and help him see himself without the scars. She was the one who gave him a reason. And the boys, he wouldn't be half the man he was without them. They saved his sanity, made him love in a way he never had. And the loved him back for no reason other than he was daddy.

He wanted his family and needed them, needed to be swallowed up in the peace and goodness they created. He headed home, breathing deeper as he walked, setting the negative feelings aside and letting the sorrow go until he could deal with it all a little better.

It was quiet when he returned home, Colton playing on the floor and Lindsay cuddling Ben on the couch. He stopped in the doorway and watched them for a minute, smiling when Colton jumped up and ran into his arms.

"Daddy! I missed you!"

"I missed you too, buddy," he said, holding on tightly and wishing the hug would never end.

"Me and mama maked dinner," he reported proudly. "I stirred the chili."

"You're a good helper."

"Yep. I eated already, but mama waitin' for you. You hungry?"

"Yeah, I could eat."

"He could eat, mama! I hold Ben?"

"Why don't we let Ben play on the floor and you can keep an eye on him for a little bit?"

Colton nodded, suddenly serious at the prospect of such a big job. Lindsay put Colton down on a blanket on the floor, and he fussed for a minute before Colton handed him a toy.

Lindsay took Adam's good hand and led him into the kitchen, pulling a new ice-pack out of the freezer and handing it to him wordlessly. He took it and she snaked her arm back around his neck, tugging on him until his lips met hers.

"I love you," she said, not breaking the contact. "No matter what."

"Thank you."

She smiled and moved to the stove, spooning up a bowl of chili for each of them before returning to the table.

"You wanna tell me about the good parts?"

He gave a little chuckle.

"He's a pretty cool guy. Video game programmer."

"Oh great."

"There was talk of our kids trying out some new games."

"I'm not surprised."

"We got along really well. We have a lot in common, same sense of humor."

"Oh no, there's two of you!" she chuckled.

"It was good. I'm glad I went."

"I'm glad you went too. It'll be nice for you to have that."

"I think so too."

They continued to eat, Adam telling her bits and pieces of his conversation with Tim and finding that all the good of this outweighed the bad by leaps and bounds.

"Daddy, you come play now," Colton said, patting Adam's knee.

"What should we play?"

"Don't care. Come on daddy, please?"

"Alright, let's go."

"Yay! You're the winner, daddy."

"The winner huh?"

"Yep you win all the daddies."

"You mean I'm the best?"

"Uh-huh!"

Adam chuckled and followed him into the other room, finding a little more of what he had been needing.

* * *

Her arms wrapped around him and he rested against her, letting her be the comfort and strength. He questioned why, he worried if he would be the same, he cried for the pain he had been through and the childhood he had lost and for the parts of him that he would never get back. His tears soaked through her shirt, her tears soaked his hair, but neither one of them moved for hours. She didn't speak one word, just held him as if he would slip away, kissed him like nothing else mattered, listened as if he offered verbal gold. She let him be mad, let him be sad, let him yell and let him be silent. Her hands gently soothed him, cooling the fire within and giving him something else to focus on. Soft silence caressed over old wounds, just as loving lips flitted over the skin that had been so harmed. Everything was slow and intentional as she comforted him and cherished him the best way she knew how. Her gaze conveyed more than any words ever could and he gave one last shuddering breath, dropping his head to her chest and breathing deeply, focusing on the warmth that radiated from her. She moved a little so they were face to face and she ran her hand over his cheeks, wiping away the anguish that he had never let out until this night. She kept her eyes on his as she kissed him, wanting him to feel as completely and permanently needed and loved as she did. He got the message, smiling against her lips and holding her against him, so grateful for her patience and understanding and trust in him. He would never in a million years be able to repay her for that, but he knew he would never need to. His eyes closed in exhaustion and he let himself fall into sleep.

"You're mine now, Adam," she whispered, running her hand up and down his back. "He can never hurt you again. You're mine now. Forever."


	108. Chapter 108

"Isabeth Grace Messer, don't you dare throw that food."

Isa looked at Austin, then back at Colton, grinning devilishly before launching a handful of peas across the table. Colton hooted with laughter and lobbed a piece of meat right back at her.

"Colton!"

"Isa do it first," he said, picking up his garlic bread in defense of the spaghetti noodle Isa chucked at him.

"I don't think we can fight it," Danny said, deflecting a pea.

"The children have spoken."

"FOOD FIGHT!"

The adults all jumped right into the fray, throwing their food mostly at the kids, as they would be easier to clean up. By the time all the food had left the plates, Colton, Isa and Sarah were covered from head to toe in spaghetti, peas, bread and pieces of brownie.

"I think," Austin began, wiping her hands on a free napkin. "Some little kids around here need a bath."

"I agree," Lindsay chuckled, fishing a pea out of Sarah's nose.

"I also think that maybe some daddies who started the throwing of the spaghetti on the ceiling should be in charge of cleaning up the battlefield."

"You know Austin, you're technically taller than me," Danny said. "You should be the one to clean the ceiling."

"You're not going to do baths, Daniel. Last time you were in charge the girls ate soap and pooped bubbles for a week."

"I only turned around for a second! Next thing I know, they're taking shots."

"He called poison control," Austin said, holding Sarah at arms length.

"Shut up, Graceless."

"I can feel the love guys," Adam chuckled.

"Hey man, just cuz your wife don't got no sass…"

"Stick it in your nether regions, Messer," Lindsay retorted, thunking her finger against his forehead.

"Get outta my life, Montana."

"Sure thing, partner."

They stuck their tongues out at each other for good measure and Austin and Adam looked at each other and rolled their eyes.

"Sometimes I feel like I got two extra children."

"You and me both."

"C'mon Linds, quit pickin; on my ball and chain and help me clean these children."

"Yeah, yeah," Lindsay giggled, following her into the bathroom. "Spaghetti wasn't such a good idea, was it?"

"Nope. What a bunch of ragamuffins," she agreed, turning on the water and adding bubbles. "We'd better strip 'em."

"Alright buccaneers, arms up!"

All three kids lifted their arms, giggling as their mothers peeled their shirts off.

"Isa, I see your belly-button!" Colton squealed.

"I see your belly-button," she repeated, poking it. "Tickle!"

"Ducka, ducka, ducka!" Sarah giggled, tickling her own belly.

"Okay babies, into the drink with ya," Austin said, stripping the girls of their food laden clothes and plopping them into the bubbles.

"Colt comin' too?"

"Yes, he's coming," Lindsay said, putting him in the tub with the girls.

"Look Colt, I got a shark!" Isa said, showing him the plastic toy.

"That a Great White," he said with a nod. "This a Tiger shark. Daddy telled me."

"Is it just me or is Colton gonna be the kid that screws up the bell curve?" Austin asked, scrubbing the spaghetti sauce out of Sarah's hair.

"All the other kids are gonna hate him."

"He won't notice. So how's Adam doing?"

Lindsay sighed, wringing a washcloth out over Colton's head. He giggled and pushed her hand away.

"He's alright. He's had to think about it all a lot more lately, and that bugs him. Sometimes he just gets so sad I don't know what to do. It gets better, but he's never really dealt with it before, so it's a lot on him right now. Nights like this help."

"Good. He hasn't been himself recently."

"He's pushing through a lot right now, but it's getting better, I can tell. Has he talked to you about it at all?"

"No. I figure if he wants to hash it out he will."

"You understand it better than I do."

"Sometimes Linds, it takes someone who doesn't understand to make it better. I know you've helped me a lot when you don't say anything."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"I guess that's good then."

"Guess so. How are you doing with it?"

"I'm just holding on."

"Tell me the truth Linds."

"It's hard to see him like this. Just so broken down, you know? Where he goes through these bouts of feeling worthless. I hate it because he should never feel that way. And to think that someone made him believe it… I just get mad. And I don't want to show him that, I don't want to add fuel to the fire and put more negativity on the table. I want to be strong and good for him. But I'll admit, it's not easy."

"No it's not. You really, really have to love someone to go through all this with them. I'm glad he has you though, because I know you have the love and the patience to get him through this."

"I do my best."

"Keep doing what you're doing."

"I will."

"My hair stand up!" Colton shrieked delightedly. "I Alfalfa!"

Austin snorted a laugh and helped him pull his hair up higher.

"If you're Alfalfa, who's Spanky?"

"Isa is Spanky."

"What about Darla?"

He looked confused for a moment, then his eyes brightened.

"Sa'ah is Darla. Ben be Porky and Junior be Buckwheat!"

"Oh man Linds, he's been watching that movie way too much."

"Every day, at least twice."

"How do you stand it?"

"I turn it on in our bedroom and shut the door and leave him in there alone."

"Nice coping mechanism."

"He spends an hour and a half jumping on the bed while he watches so then he's ready for a nap. It's hands off parenting if I ever saw it."

"We've really gotta swap cheats sometime. You've got some good ones."

"I do pride myself on being as lazy as I can," she teased. "You've developed quite the skill set yourself, I've seen you holding all three kids and talking on the phone at the same time."

"Don't tell Danny that I can do that or he'll never help me again."

"Deal."

* * *

"It's time for sleep Mr. Man," Austin said quietly, tucking Junior into his crib. "For real this time."

He looked up at her and yawned and she rubbed his stomach gently before turning his night light on and leaving the room. Colton was standing in the doorway, having escaped from the girls for a moment. His eyes were big and he looked up at her in the darkness, sighing a little before he spoke.

"Austin?"

A tear pricked the back of her eye at the sound of her full name and not the "Au'tin" she'd grown so fond of.

"What's up buddy?" she asked, crouching down to look at him. He sighed again and looked out into the living room, then back at her.

"Why my daddy sad?"

The words were so simple, but tugged at her heart as she realized just how bad this had gotten. If Colton was noticing a change then Adam was a lot more upset about all this than she had thought he was.

"Why do you think your daddy is sad?"

"He not laughing."

She sighed and drew him into her arms, rubbing his back while he rested his head on her shoulder.

"It's hard to explain buddy. It's just grown up stuff that you don't need to worry about. Daddy's going to be just fine."

"I fix it?"

"I don't think you can fix it, but you can make sure to give him lots and lots of hugs, okay?"

"I do that good," he said with a smile, pulling back to look at her. "Mama okay too?"

"Mama's okay. It just makes her sad when daddy's sad."

"I don't like when Ben cryin'," he said, trying to equate the two things.

"Yeah, it's like that. Mama and daddy love each other so much that when one of them gets sad, the other one gets sad too."

"I sad too."

"I know, buddy. But I promise, it'll be better soon. Okay?"

He nodded and she kissed his cheek, holding him for a moment and wishing she could fix the whole thing for her friends. He pulled back from her after a moment and smiled, offering her his pinkie in their own little handshake. She took it and grinned.

"Do you feel better now?"

"Yep. I not sad."

"Good. That means you're gonna get tickling!"

He squealed and she lifted him up, holding him upside down and tickling his stomach. He laughed heartily and grabbed at her hand, trying to push it away, but enjoying the attention. She held him by his ankles and carried him into the other room.

"Look what I found."

"Colt up-a-down!" Isa hollered happily. "Mommy, I up-a-down!"

Austin lowered Colton to the floor and he giggled, running over to Adam and crashing against his legs.

"Hi daddy. I watch?"

"You wanna watch the game? Absolutely."

"Man, you excited for baseball startin' next month?" Danny asked, fast forwarding through the commercial of the recorded game that he and Adam had both missed due to work.

"Yep. We can go to game, Unca Danny?"

"Yeah. I dunno if Austin will let me go to a Yanks game without her, but maybe we can find a minor league game to take you kids to."

"I can wear a hat," he said with a nod.

"Yeah and maybe I'll get you a foam finger," Adam added.

"Okay! And buy some nutnuts and cracker tacks?"

Adam chuckled at the garbled lyrics.

"If they've got nutnuts and cracker tacks, you're totally getting some."

"Yes! Isa, we go baseball game."

"Whooo!" she cheered from her spot upside down in Austin's arms. "Today?"

"No, we in jammies, Sweet Thing!" he giggled.

"Oh. Next day?"

"I think you're going to have to wait a while for baseball," Austin said, lowering her daughter to the floor and sitting down in the recliner. "Why don't you watch this game for now? I bet I know who wins."

"That's because you girls already watched it last night," Danny scoffed. "Adam I think we should really petition for paternity leave. I wanna watch ESPN whenever I want."

"Don't say it so loud, they both gotta go back to work soon. And that means there's gonna be days when you're home with the kids and you'll wish you're at work because it's so much quieter there."

"Seriously Adam?" Lindsay asked, looking up from the book she was reading to Sarah.

"Well no one at work is usually begging you for a cookie."

She rolled her eyes and went back to the Dr. Seuss, smiling when Isa crawled up next to her and peeked at the pages.

"Me too?"

"Okay," Lindsay said, pulling Isa into her lap and kissing the top of her head.

"Read, Indy."

She continued with the story, only glancing up when Ben started to cry. Austin reached down and took him out of his carseat, holding him close and talking to him quietly until he calmed down. He looked up at her and smiled, grabbing onto her finger.

Lindsay smiled to herself, once again indescribably happy that the kids would always grow up like this; with a chosen family that loved them quite possibly more than blood relatives did. A family that would never fail them, would always support them, and would always give them a safe place to run to when things got hard. She'd never had that before, neither had Adam and it made her feel better knowing that Colton and Ben would always have this second family. She was glad it was Austin and Danny, she trusted them more than almost anyone. She knew they loved her kids as much as she and Adam loved theirs.

"Indy?"

"Sarahsponda?"

"Ah done," Sarah said, closing the book and yawning. "Nigh-nights."

Lindsay kissed Sarah's forehead and tucked her blonde hair behind her ear. She was so different than Isa, so quiet and gentle where Isa was loud and excited and living a life that wasn't big enough for her.

Sarah sighed and put her thumb in her mouth, then turned and nestled herself into Lindsay's chest while Isa climbed down off the couch, not wanting to catch the sleepiness bug.

"Colton's worried about Adam," Austin said, soft enough that only Lindsay could hear it.

"What?"

"He asked me why daddy and mama are so sad."

"We've been trying not to let him know."

"He can tell."

"What did you say?"

"I told him it was a grown up thing and he doesn't need to worry and it'll be fine in a while. He seemed okay with that."

"Thanks."

"Anytime. I'm sure you'll repay the favor at some point."

"Hopefully there won't be a need, but if there is, I will."

"Sa'ah sleeping?" Colton asked, standing on his toes to look.

"Yeah, she's asleep."

He climbed up onto the couch and leaned over, kissing Sarah's cheek.

"Night, Sa'ah. I love you."

He climbed back down again, joining Isa who was spinning in a circle while the Sportscenter theme music played. They giggled and bumped into each other, eventually falling to the ground and staying there, poking at each other tiredly.

"I think it might be time for us to go home," Lindsay said, not really keen on having to put the sleeping Sarah to bed.

"Yeah, Isa's running on fumes and I'm betting ten minutes until she starts getting cranky."

"I'll go put this one down," Lindsay said, standing up from the couch and taking Sarah into the girls bedroom. She tucked her in carefully, kissed her forehead and left the room.

Colton and Isa were protesting leaving each other, holding hands and frowning as Adam tried to put Colton's jacket on him.

"I no wanna leave! I stay with Isa!"

"My Colt, Dum-Dum. No go bye!"

"Sorry Princess. You wanna make a deal?"

Isa looked from Adam to Colton who nodded.

"Okay."

"If we can go bye right now, maybe later if it's okay with mommy and daddy, you can come and spend the night."

Isa contemplated that for a minute, chewing on her lip thoughtfully.

"Okay," she agreed finally, letting go of Colton's hand.

"You come over Isa and we play," Colton said, patting her shoulder.

"We do."

"I say bye-bye."

"Bye-bye," she repeated, giving him a hug. "Love my Colt."

"Love you Isa."

* * *

"Hey Linds, can I have a dance?"

Lindsay smiled at the request, leaving the boys door open just a crack and following him out to the other room. He turned the stereo on and pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. Tim McGraw's _Unbroken_ filtered out of the speakers and she held back tears, knowing he had picked it for a reason. They swayed slowly to the upbeat song, neither of them saying anything as the words of the song said the things they couldn't.

"Thank you, Lindsay," he said seriously, pulling back from her and framing her face with his hands. "Thank you for being so patient and holding me and everything you've been doing lately to keep my head on straight. I couldn't do this without you, not in a million years."

"Are you really doing better? I told Austin you're doing better but I didn't really know for sure. I know what you're saying but sometimes I can't hear your heart."

"It's getting better, honey. You're erasing a lot of the hurt. I'm not going to lie, it's been really hard unearthing all this stuff, but I'm glad you've been there."

"You'll tell me if there's anything else I can do, right?"

"Absolutely."

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too."

_You kissed me, and every__  
__Piece went back in place__  
__Every pain got erased__  
__You held me up to the sunlight__  
__Now it feels like_

_No one ever left__  
__Me out in the rain__  
__Cold words still remain__  
__Unspoken__  
__And I never got lost__  
__Spent years in the dark__  
__You're here, now my heart's__  
__Unbroken__  
__When I see you smile__  
__Feel my soul again__  
__And I'm unbroken.__  
_


	109. Chapter 109

A/N: I've been wanting to write this chapter FOREVER and could never make it happen because I had no idea where to put it or how to pull it off. And then I was like "Screw it, I'm writing it anyway!"

* * *

"Why, oh why did we all agree to this?" Austin muttered shaking her head and watching Jo and Lindsay dance around the bathroom.

"Because it'll be fun," Jo answered, stopping her movements for a second to apply her lipstick. "Because you need to get out of the apartment."

"Because there's a chance that someone is going to do something completely embarrassing before the night is over and will preface it with the words "I don't want to see this on Facebook in the morning." And most likely that will be Flack."

"See now there's a reason I can get behind," Austin chuckled, watching as her best friend flipped a cowboy hat in the air and caught it on her head. "You can take the girl outta Montana…"

"That's what they say," Lindsay drawled, adjusting the sleeves on her flannel shirt.

"Linds, why do you get an accent when Montana does not boast an accent?"

"I dunno," she replied. Of course it came out more like "own't know" but Austin knew what she meant anyway. "You gonna let us teach you to line dance?"

"Over Danny's dead body."

"You're a bad sport. Please Aust?"

"No way. I'm a dancing spaz. There's no way I could do a line dance."

"Even if we teach you the Tush Push?"

"Excuse me?"

"It's a real thing," Lindsay assured. "Of course there's a lot less tush in it than the name warrants."

"No, I am pretty sure I'll have just as much fun sitting back watching the two of you make fools of yourselves."

"Sorry, I grew up in a pool hall. This old girl may be an old girl, but I can still slap some leather."

"What she said," Lindsay agreed, clicking her boots on the tile floor.

"Aren't you worried that Adam's gonna disown you after tonight?"

"Nah, between me and Hannah he's used to this behavior."

Austin chuckled and shook her head, willing to spend the evening out at some honky tonk even though it wasn't in her element. Besides Lindsay and Jo it wasn't anyone else's either but that didn't mean it wasn't going to be fun. She was mostly looking forward to Mac's reaction. He'd probably nurse one whiskey on the rocks the whole night and grin and shake his head a lot.

"Hey mom can I-" Ellie began, poking her head in the room. "Oh dear heavens."

"What?"

"Why do you look like Shania Twain?"

"What'sa matter with that?"

"Nothing if you didn't look like her in the Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under video. And that came out in 1995."

Austin snorted.

"I'm proud that you know that Ells."

"How much Aquanet did you use mom?"

"Enough," Jo chuckled, pinching Ellie's cheek. "Gotta look the part."

"Of a 1970's cheerleader?"

"Elliana…"

Ellie giggled and reached up to adjust Jo's necklace.

"Well anyway, can I go over to Lauren's house?"

"Don't wanna be home alone?"

"Not really."

"Yeah, you can go. Gonna spend the night?"

"Probably. Tyler's taking me out for breakfast in the morning."

"Spoiled."

"I'm his favorite sister."

"Yeah, yeah. Get outta here, Sass," Jo chuckled, kissing her daughter's cheek.

"Night mom. Night girls."

"Night Ellie."

"Are all girls like that?" Austin asked, once they heard the front door close.

"Like what?"

"Perfect."

"I would hope so but I'm pretty sure I just got lucky."

"I hope I get that lucky."

"Don't worry. Parenthood is the most fun you've ever had. Even in the bad times."

Austin nodded, enjoying the little bit of mom-to-mom advice, especially from someone who had been through it already.

"Well girls, I think it's high time we get out of here."

"I'm glad we convinced Hawkes to come. He always skips out on these evenings of bonding," Lindsay said as Jo turned the light off and they made their way to the door.

"Yeah, I think he's just more mature than the rest of us."

"Even Mac?"

"Mac just goes to make sure none of us do anything stupid."

"Which we usually do."

"Flack after one amaretto sour."

"'Nuff said."

Jo chuckled and shook her head, tossing Lindsay her keys.

"Speaking of drinking, designated driver."

"Designated music chooser."

"Great, it's gonna be country all the way there," Austin groaned. "As if I'm not gonna get enough tonight anyway."

"You like Sugarland."

"You said you wouldn't tell anyone."

"Jo's not anyone."

"Thanks, Lindsay."

"I just say what I think," she teased with a grin. "Come on, the boys are gonna leave if we keep them waiting too long."

"I kinda wish I hadn't found a babysitter," Austin groaned, following them to the elevator.

"Austin, just remember you're doing this for me. And you love me, right?"

"Sometimes more than right now."

"But you love me and that's all that matters."

"I don't know what to do with you and that's what keeps me around."

Lindsay chuckled while Jo shook her head.

"I don't get you guys."

"Neither do we," they chorused with a giggle as they approached the car and got in.

"You need to bring the seat forward?" Jo asked while Lindsay glared at her.

"Shut it, Danville."

"Consider it shut. The button is on the armrest."

Lindsay grimaced but pushed the button anyway, waiting until the seat moved forward enough that she would reach the pedals, then turned around and smacked Austin's leg for laughing.

"Alright, let's get outta here."

* * *

"See now how do they do that?" Danny asked, pointing to the dancers on the floor. "It's like Riverdance with worse music."

"It's not that hard. Just two Dorothy's, four heels-"

"That's enough, Montana, don't pull me over to the dark side."

"We have pork rinds," Jo teased, stealing her drink back from Mac. "Believe it or not, I do actually like a shot of Jack to start."

"I'm surprised you still have a stomach. You sure that's just Jack in there?"

"You're too sober for this conversation."

"And it ain't gonna get any worse. Dude can hold his liquor."

"Don't call me dude, Don."

"You're one of us tonight Mac. Loosen up. Let your hair down."

"But don't squat with your spurs on."

"I am pretty sure that won't be a problem."

"Okay, okay, it's about that time," Jess said, putting her glass of whiskey down on the table. "Tradition folks. Hands up."

Grinning they all stuck five fingers up in the air.

"I've never…made out in a church building."

Danny and Austin each put one finger down, then looked at each other and burst into giggles.

"I've never… spent the night in a canoe in the middle of the lake," Flack said.

"Geez, are you tryna make us lose?" Austin asked, putting a second finger down.

"Yes."

"I've never… sang karaoke," Mac offered. His were always so mundane and he never lost at this game either. It never stopped them from playing it though.

Everyone groaned and put one finger down.

"We're changing that tonight," Jo said with a nod. "I've never… stolen a car."

Everyone kept fingers up, except Lindsay who dropped a finger and her head.

"Lindsay Ross, shut the front door, you have not stolen a car!" Austin shouted, amusedly enraged that she didn't already know about this.

"I so did."

"Darling," Adam began, clearing his throat. "Why did I not know that you committed grand theft auto?"

"Because. I was young!"

"How young?"

"I was fourteen and it was my idea and I got my cousin Scott to drive and it was his dad's car."

"Doesn't count if it was a family member," Danny said with a shake of his head.

"Does it count if we got arrested?"

"It does now," Mac laughed. "Please explain your sealed juvenile record."

"My uncle had just gotten this T-Bird and it was all restored and shiny and I convinced Scott that we should take it for a spin. So we pushed it to the end of the driveway and started it up and he was going like twelve miles an hour down the road and I told him to drive it like he stole it and he said "We did steal it, Stupid!" and I said that I wasn't the one drivin' and he got mad because it was my idea and we were still arguing when the cop pulled us over half an hour later. Now if it had been any other cop in town he woulda just let us go, but no, it was the sheriff who also happens to be our other uncle and who had just gotten a call that the car had been stolen, so he cuffed us, threw us in the back of the squad car, drove us to the station and called grandma to come and get us, and thus ends the most laughed about story to ever pass around the family dinner table."

"Linds, I am so proud of you right now I could cry," Austin said.

"I'm glad you approve. Hey look, Hawkes is here."

"Doc!" Danny and Flack greeted.

"Norm!" everyone else chimed in, scooting around to make room for Hawkes and his date. They all knew he had been seeing someone, but this was the first time he had brought her around.

"Guys, this is Willow Graham," he said, his eyes shining as her name came out of his mouth. He introduced her around and she almost immediately meshed into the group, laughing with them as they forgot their game and moved on to telling stories on each other instead. There was a lot of name calling and poking, and general childishness, but that was what they all needed in the wake of their professions.

"Linds, you think your hips can handle this one?" Jo asked as a new song started.

"I think they can but that don't mean I'm goin' out there."

"Don't get all shy now. Just think of the sound of your boots on the floor."

Lindsay sighed and let Jo pull her out to the floor where they joined in the quick line dance, both of them loosening up in a few seconds as the steps came back to them. Boots slapped against the wood floor as they moved their feet in better rhythm then they ever did when chasing suspects. They both used their hips and shoulders to put a little more oomph into the dance and ended up staying on the floor for one more song before giggling and making their way back to the table.

"Now I know why you had to wear the big belt buckle," Austin said, draining her glass.

"It's the look."

"No, you gotta have somewhere to put your hands so you don't smack no one when you're spinnin' around all like that."

"Aust, you're drunk."

"I ain't drunk, I'm slurrin'."

"It'll make it easier to get her onto the floor later," Jo shrugged. Lindsay tipped her head in agreement while the karaoke portion of the night started up.

"So it's okay for us to sit here and mock, right?" Danny asked as the first singer took the stage and showcased her lack of skills in the vocal department.

"You just gotta make sure her boyfriend ain't overhearin' ya," Jo said with a shrug, her accent getting deeper from the alcohol.

"Watch it there, Mississippi girl, you gone start thinkin' y'all home again."

"Lindsay, what did you just say?" Adam chuckled.

"I think I might be contact drunk," she said, rubbing her eyes and smiling at him. He raised and eyebrow and wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"You look happy," he noted.

"So do you."

"Those dance moves are nice."

She snorted and leaned closer to hug him.

"Major dork."

"I can live with that."

* * *

By the end of the evening everyone was giggling together at everything. They had been so close to getting Mac up onstage with the guys to cure his own "I've never" but at the last minute he changed his mind, preferring to sit back and watch the boys croon an old Conway Twitty song. Austin and Jess had both given the mechanical bull a try, and had done pretty well for first timers. They'd tried to convince Lindsay to do it, but her story about riding the real thing had stopped that train before it left the station. They'd managed to pull Austin onto the dance floor when the DJ threw Flo-Rida's "Low" into the dance mix. She wasn't as spastic as she claimed she was, but it was enough to send her butt straight to the floor.

Now it was nearly last call and couples were out on the floor, slow dancing in the blue lights. Mac and Jo had elected to stay at the table, with the excuse that this was a couples dance, but no one was really fooled when they saw Mac's hand snaked across the back of Jo's chair.

"Adam, you see that?" Lindsay whispered, taking the lead and turning them so he could look.

"Yeah."

"Thoughts?"

"Cool?"

"Sometimes I forget you're not a girl," she sighed. He chuckled and danced them a little closer to Austin and Danny.

"You saw it too?" Austin asked with a grin.

"That's kinda bold for Mac, don't you think?"

"Not as bold as that crafty little lean back she's got goin' on," Danny mentioned, dipping Austin so she could look.

"That's real live flirting right there, kiddies," Jess announced as she and Flack joined the little group.

"Stop lookin' at 'em or they're gonna stop givin' us somethin' to look at," Adam whispered as if anyone else could hear him anyway.

"We used to say the same thing about you two," Austin scoffed.

"Oh whatever, you did not," Lindsay said with a roll of her eyes.

"We did too, didn't we Danny?"

"Sure did."

"I think we're being teased, honey."

"Don't worry about it, they're drunk."

"You guys were bickerin' and you missed it," Flack chuckled, shaking his head.

"Missed what?"

"I'm not tellin' ya."

"Donald Flack," Austin warned, showing him her fist. "I know what you sound like when you scream."

"You think I don't got nothin' on you Grace?"

She glared and put her fist down while Lindsay put hers up.

"Well you don't got nothin' on me Flack."

"Eh, the moment's gone. Guess you're just gonna have to keep your eyes peeled."

She glared at him before Adam gave her a little spin.

"Now, now, I'm sure it's no reason to be actin' like third graders."

"Shut up dear," Lindsay giggled, just as last call was sounded over the bar.

"We should get outta this place. Who knows what we're gonna run into in the parking lot."

"A mountain of a man with a Born To Kill tattoo," Lindsay said, nodding.

"I hope not," Danny chuckled.

They gathered up their things and each other and made their way out of the bar, Jo stumbling on the sidewalk and Mac catching her before she lost her balance.

"How much Jack did you have?"

"Either too much or not enough," she chuckled.

"Lindsay, are you driving her home?"

"Yeah, seems so."

"Good luck with that."

"I appreciate it. Hey Adam, don't forget to make people pay for gas seven or eight times before you take them home, okay?"

"I won't. I'll see you at home hon. Drive safe."

They shared a quick kiss before she got into Jo's car and looked over at her friend.

"You can't be that drunk."

"It's the frivolity."

"You were just fake trippin' back there now weren't you?"

"No, that was real. I'm clumsy enough without alcohol. What are you lookin' at me like that for, Ross?"

"No, nothin'."

"You're as bad as Ellie."

"Thanks."

"Mac wasn't kidding when he said working here is like running a daycare."

"Says the woman who started a peanut fight with Jess."

"She had it comin'. Hey, tell me a story."

"What?" Lindsay asked, pulling the car out into traffic and being grateful once again that Adam had a full car of drunks to take home while she only had Jo.

"A story. Any story."

"What, like the three little pigs?"

"No. Like a real story."

"That could be a real story, you don't know."

"Tell me about yours and Adam's first date."

"Our first date?" Lindsay echoed with a grin. It wasn't that she never thought about it, but she'd never told anyone about it simply because it made her all swoony and the one time she had tried she'd been mercilessly mocked for being such a girl.

"It wasn't much," she started with a shrug. "I guess it was because we'd done stuff together before that it almost didn't seem like a real date. He did bring me some ugly fake flowers, and said it was because no one else had ever brought me something like that."

"You still have them?"

"Of course I do. They're not sitting out anywhere; I put them in my hope chest. But I could never get rid of them."

"Then what did you do?"

"We went for a walk. Stopped and got hot dogs and pretzels and went into the park because there was a concert there. It was one of those nights when old barbershop quartets and stuff will get up and do a half hour set. You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

"So we ate and talked and sat there and… it was really nice. I remember, my heart started beating really fast when he touched me. That had never happened to me before. And then at one point he reached over and he was playing with my hair. It's funny, he still does that. Colton does it too. I never realized that before."

"You're so in love. Seems like you were even back then."

"Maybe I was a little. It was like from that moment when we decided to try dating… it just made so much sense. I'd never felt so right before."

"What did you do after the park?"

"He walked me home. Really, really slow. And we stood outside my building for like fifteen minutes. And I could tell he wanted to kiss me and he was just working up the courage, you know? He just kept up the conversation as if we didn't both know what was coming. And he was doing that rambling stuttering thing, which is weird because he'd never done that around me before. But I thought it was cute and I was giggling about it and I grabbed his hand and then… all the sudden it was the best kiss of my life."

"Wow, that good on a first kiss when you're all nervous and trying to remember how to do it?"

"He knows what he's doing. I didn't have to do much thinking, lemme tell ya."

"That's a good story," Jo said, leaning her head back on the seat.

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" Lindsay agreed with a wistful chuckle. "I love him."

"Obviously. I guess I had the different perspective of not seeing it all from the beginning, but you guys are so… stable. I guess I look at every relationship wondering how long it will last. I'm a little cynical. But you and Adam, Austin and Danny… I genuinely believe you're all going to make it."

"I am pretty sure there would be torches and pitchforks if we didn't."

"You're exactly right," Jo chuckled as they pulled into her parking garage. "You'd better hurry up and get home to that man."

"I think he would agree."

"Thanks for helpin' me convince everyone to get in touch with their hillbilly bone tonight."

"Anytime. We should do it more often. Next time we're definitely getting Mac to sing."

"Oh absolutely. I'll even dig out the video camera."


	110. Chapter 110

A/N: Frick you guys, I don't even proof read anymore. Also, somewhere in my pathetic little life I made a lovely little Adam/Lindsay playlist. I know right?

* * *

"No, mama you not go to work!" Colton begged, holding onto Lindsay leg while tears dribbled down his face. "You stay here!"

"Buddy, I have to go to work. You're going to stay here with daddy."

"Who take care of Ben?"

"Daddy can take care of Ben just as good as I can."

"Mama stay!" he wailed, falling to the floor and kicking his legs. Lindsay looked over at Adam who raised his eyebrows almost to his hairline. Colton always got a little upset when one of them had to go to work, but never like this. Maybe it was just that he was so used to Lindsay being home now that he thought she would never have to go back.

"My mama! No go away! Please, I love you mama!"

"Colton-"

"NO!" he shrieked, his voice reaching a pitch that made her ears hurt. He threw himself against her again, crying as if his whole world had come crashing down around his ears. She managed to pry him off her leg, sitting him on the couch and holding his arms so he would sit still.

"Colton, that is enough. I don't need any of your theatrics this morning okay? Now, I'm sorry that I have to go to work, but that is just what I have to do. I would rather stay here with you, but I can't."

"My mama," he sobbed, trying to reach out for her. She kept him still so he would listen to what she was saying, even though she wanted to just hold him until the tears stopped.

"I need you to listen to me right now. I know that you're going to miss me. I'm going to miss you too. But that doesn't mean either of us should be carrying on like this. It doesn't make us feel any better does it?"

"No."

"You get to stay home and play with daddy and just before dinner time I'll be home."

He nodded sadly, his eyes not meeting hers.

"Can we make a deal?"

"Okay."

"If you let me go to work right now, I promise that I'll call you later."

"On the phone?"

"Yes, on the phone."

"Okay," he hiccupped. She grabbed a tissue and wiped his face, then pulled him into her arms, running a hand through his curls before she let him go.

"I love you and I'll be home soon. Alright?"

He nodded, his breath shuddering as he tried not to cry again. He wanted to be brave, he really did. But he also really wanted his mama. She gave the best snuggles and kisses and told him good stories. On the other hand though, daddy was just as good. They played and played together, video games, monsters, cars, whatever they wanted. He loved a day with daddy, but he wanted his mama there too.

"Bye, buddy."

He looked up at her, watched her kiss Adam and Ben and he couldn't stop the sob that burst from his mouth as he watched her go out the door. Lindsay could hear it outside and she leaned against the wall in the hallway, breathing deeply and fighting the urge to go back in there, call Mac and quit her job. She hated this. The hardest part of being a mom was when she didn't get to be one. It ate at her, a little voice telling her she was failing them by working, that they would always resent her for it, that they would never be as close as they could be if she had just stayed home. She worried about abandonment issues and whether or not they would ever feel loved enough.

A few tears ran down her own cheeks and she let them fall for a moment before rubbing them away and heading out of the building.

* * *

"We got a D.B. in the park," Danny said, standing up from his chair and stretching. "Grab your kit and let's get outta here."

"Okay," Lindsay agreed, turning off the computer and moving to get her kit.

"You wanna drive?"

"No thanks."

Danny stared at her, throwing his hand over his chest dramatically.

"You don't wanna drive? Where's my partner and what did you do with her?"

She gave him a half smile and slid into her coat, pulling her hair out of the collar and sighing.

"Hey, c'mon Montana," Danny started, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and giving her a hug. "You're still mama even when you're not right there."

"I know. I just miss them."

"'S'okay," he reassured. "I think you're supposed to. I miss the kids when I'm at work too. I can't imagine what it's like when you been home everyday an' all the sudden you gotta come back here and stare at my ugly face for eight hours."

She chuckled a little at that and he gave her shoulder a squeeze.

"Let's get outta here. I'll let you pick the music."

"Just because you feel sorry for me?"

"Yes."

"I could get used to this."

"You be good," he warned, picking up both their kits and leading the way to the elevator. "Once you get used to bein' back at work, Mr. Nice Guy goes far away and I'm back to blowin' spit wads at you."

"You're the extra brother I never wanted."

"At least you thought of me."

She rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall of the elevator, watching the numbers tick off as they traveled down to the lobby. She'd feel more settled once she had something to do other than paperwork. Once she had her hands on some evidence it would be better. Time would fly and she would be scrambling to get things done before she needed to be home.

She followed Danny out to the SUV, climbing in the passenger's seat and propping her feet on the dashboard while he started the car.

"You really okay, Linds?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Distracted, but okay."

"Alright."

"Is Austin okay going back to work?"

"Yeah, she's done a few shifts. She's pretty good at compartmentalizin' but I think it's still hard for her."

"That was a really big word for you, Danny."

"Yeah, we're tryna do better. Before we know it, Isa's startin' kindergarten and we want her to be ready."

"You want your toddler to use words like compartmentalizing? No offense Danny, but you'd better start tacking some g's on the ends of your words or she's gonna end up sounding like you."

"Colton says y'all."

"It's cute. And a compound word."

"No it ain't."

She snorted and shook her head.

"He's a charmer, Linds. Gonna be dangerous."

"I don't think he's gonna ever have eyes for anyone but your daughters."

"He'd better be careful how long he calls 'em Pretty Girls. They might start gettin' egos or somethin'."

"Yeah, with you and Austin as their parents they were never in danger of that before."

"Watch yourself Montana."

* * *

"Hi mama, it's me!" Colton greeted happily.

"Hey buddy. Daddy let you answer the phone?"

"He say it okay because it's mama. What you doing?"

"I'm just spinning in my chair, eating candy and playing with play-doh."

"No you isn't mama," he scoffed. "No tellin' stories."

"Okay, you caught me. I'm sittin' in the lab and I'm looking at fingerprints and I'm watching the computer."

"That not fun."

"No, it's not. What are you doing?"

"I just playin' cars," he sighed. "And watchin' TV."

"How's your brother?"

"He okay. He blowed spits at daddy."

"That's kinda gross."

"I teached him. But I not blow spits at daddy. I just blow spits."

"Oh, I see."

"I gotta take a nap today?"

"Yeah, you gotta."

"But I not tired."

"Well maybe you can just have some quiet time in your room."

"Okay," he sighed. "When you be home?"

"In a few hours. I'll come home and we'll have some dinner and I'll play with you, okay?"

"I love you, mama."

"I love you too. Can I talk to daddy?"

"Yeah. Daddy! Mama wanna talk to you. I not in trouble, I really not!"

"Okay buddy. Hey babe."

"Hey. Is everything going okay?"

"Yeah, been pretty quiet."

"Adam."

"We've had better days."

"What's the matter?"

"Ben's not too happy with the bottle. He takes it, he just gives me this look like "Dude, you're not my mom, what do you think you're doing?" He's got your glare."

"Great. Is Colton okay?"

"He had a rough morning."

"How rough?"

"He cried so hard he couldn't breathe, and then he threw up."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I cleaned it all up and we had a talk and I think tomorrow's going to be just fine when you leave."

"Okay. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Tired though."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I know it's not easy."

"It's not easy but it's not horrible. It's just being a parent."

"Yeah. I'll be home soon."

"Be safe babe. I love you."

"I love you too."

She hung up the phone and sighed, wishing that she could have been there, even for the blowing spit and throwing up and crying that had taken up most of the morning. It wasn't a glamorous life, but it was her life and she missed it.

"Hey Linds, Sid just sent up his report. He says that besides the actual stab wounds, there were smaller cuts or slices on the vic. They're not defensive wounds."

"How can he tell?"

"Classic hesitation marks he says."

"Isn't that usually equated with suicide?"

"That's what I thought too. He also said he found organic material near the wound. He sent it up to be analyzed. Came back as, get this, tears. From a woman."

"Any DNA?"

"I'm runnin' it now."

Lindsay wrinkled her nose and looked back down at the case report, sighing a little.

"What?"

"It just didn't strike me as a woman. I'm not trying to stereotype here. But normally a woman kills cleaner than this. She shoots a guy once or poisons him. She doesn't stab him twelve times and then go about making slices up and down his abdomen."

"If it doesn't track with you, let's talk it out," he said, sitting down and propping his feet up on his desk.

"It just doesn't seem right. It seems too gratuitous for the average woman."

"Well she's not average, she's a murderer," he shrugged. "How would you kill Adam?"

"What?" she asked, her stomach churning at the thought, even though it was a totally hypothetical situation.

"What would be your weapon of choice?"

"I would take away his xBox."

"That would do a lot of damage to the man. But really. Maybe not Adam, but if you had to kill a guy how would you do it?"

"Is this a rage killing or is it premeditated?"

"Premeditated."

"Am I trying to get away with it?"

"Think average citizen Linds. Someone you really hate. How would you do it?"

"Torture," she replied automatically. "Lots of superficial cuts, lots of salt and lemon juice. Constant noogies. A machine that gives Wet Willies every fifteen minutes. A swirly an hour."

"Now you're just bein' silly. C'mon, really. If I know what you would do, then I can imagine what Austin would do and I can protect myself."

"Do you know your wife at all? She would shoot first and tell you why later. That is of course if she actually wanted to kill you."

"This conversation has taken a disturbing turn."

"You turned it that way."

"So you're saying that this killing isn't feminine enough, right?"

"I guess. I mean, I don't want to rule it out but it just… women's intuition you know?"

"You don't want to stereotype but you'll tell me about women's intuition."

"How does Austin put up with you?"

"I'm hot."

"If that's the only thing you're bringing to the table, she's got a lot of patience."

"Shut up Montana."

* * *

She opened the door quietly and slipped inside, hanging her coat on the rack by the door and sinking tiredly into the couch.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted from the other room.

"Babe?" Colton asked quizzically. "Mama's home!"

She chuckled as she heard his feet pound across the floor from his bedroom right up to the couch. She opened one eye and looked at him, smiling at his red cheeks, his bright eyes, the way his exuberance at seeing her reminded her so much of they way Adam still looked at her when she walked into a room.

"Mama, you give me cuddles or what?"

Laughing, she sat up and pulled him into her arms, peppering his face with the kisses she usually doled out over the course of a day. He laughed and returned them before dropping his head to her shoulder and winding his hands through her hair.

"My mama," he sighed contentedly.

She rubbed his back and closed her eyes, knowing no feeling more sweet than his arms wrapped around her and their breathing in sync.

"Did you have fun with daddy today?"

"Yep. We maked a fort in my room. Daddy says I could sleep in it. Like campin', if you say okay."

"I say okay."

"Cool beans. You have a good day at work mama?"

"It was okay. Your uncle Danny drove me crazy."

"That what he always do. Austin say that why we love him."

"Yeah, she's right."

"Why you love me, mama?"

"Why do I love you? Well that's a loaded question."

"It 'cuz I'm cute?"

"Part of it. I love you because you're mine. You're my son and daddy's son and no one else's. I love you because you are the best thing in my life. I love you because I have never been happier than the day I found out you were coming. I love you because you make me and daddy better people."

"For really?"

"For really, and forever."

"I love you 'cuz you my mama and you make me dinner."

"Oh really?"

"And for snuggles and readin' books."

She chuckled and took his hand in hers, kissing it gently while he rested against her again.

"You go back to work in the morning?"

"Yeah."

"But you come home after, right?"

"Yes, I will."

"Okay. You can leave then. But always come home mama."

"Always, always."

* * *

"They missed you today," Adam commented softly. Lindsay smiled and looked down at the boys, Ben curled up on her chest while Colton stretched out across her legs, his head resting on her stomach.

"Did you miss me?" she asked raising her eyebrows and looking up at him. He gave her a half smile and nodded.

"I always miss you, babe. You're the wife and the mama. We aren't really functional without you."

"Oh it's not that bad."

"No, but we really, really do miss you when you're gone."

"I miss you guys too."

"I had a thought today."

"Just one."

"Sassy."

"Remember that you love me."

"Yeah, yeah."

"What were you thinking?"

"Well I was doing the bills. And I think, that if we're careful, and if you wanted to, you could work a lot less. And by a lot less, I mean not at all."

"We can't afford that."

"Yeah we can. We might not be able to put as much into the getting a house fund each month and the take out would have to stop, but we could do it. If you wanted to."

"I want to," she started with a sigh. "I would love to stay home with the boys all the time. But I know eventually I would go stir crazy. I have to work, Adam. I've been working my whole life in some form or another. I can't not."

"I know how much you hated leaving this morning."

"It was hard. It gets easier."

"I just don't want you to have to go through that five times a week."

"I don't want to either. Which is why I was thinking that maybe I would stay part time for a while. Just two days, maybe three. Work when you're not working. I know that means we don't see each other as much, but we'll figure that out."

"You're gonna be happiest that way?"

"Yeah."

"Then that's the plan."

"No questions asked?"

"Do I ever?"

"No, not really," she yawned.

"Let's put the boys to bed, and then I'll put you to bed," he said, giving her the look.

"Yeah, straight to bed because I have to be up early."

"You wound me."

She smiled as he stood up and took Colton, then helped her off the couch too.

"Hey Adam?" she asked softly, grabbing his hand.

"Yeah?"

She wrapped her free arm around his waist and leaned up to kiss him, words feeling like nothing but noise as they stood there, all of them together.


	111. Chapter 111

"Benjamin Ryan, I'm gonna get you! Here comes the tickle monster!" Lindsay exclaimed, running her fingers over Ben's belly. He smiled and blew bubbles at her, waving his hands happily.

"Ben-a-Ben-a-Ben-a-boo!"

He babbled back at her and yanked on her hair, his eyes shining with delight at the attention. He drooled out the side of his mouth and she used a rag to wipe it away, never losing eye contact with him.

"Are you gonna laugh for mama today, Benny Ben? You think you can give me a little giggle? Just one? If your first laugh is for daddy like your brother's was, I am never gonna live it down."

"I make him laugh mama," Colton sighed, climbing down from the kitchen chair where he had been very seriously coloring a picture for Isa. "Ben, look at me. Watch what I doing."

He shook his head vigorously from side to side, letting out an inhuman moan as he did it. Lindsay raised her eyebrows but then heard the tinkling sound of Ben's laughter.

"See mama, he laugh."

"Do it again."

Colton obliged, getting an even bigger reaction from his brother than he had the first time around.

"Does he always laugh when you do that?"

"Yep."

"Has be been laughing for a long time?"

"Pretty long."

"Oh. Are you almost done coloring so we can leave?"

"Where we gonna go? We go see Austin?"

"No, I'm going to attempt grocery shopping with both of you in tow."

"You say I not run around and be crazy, huh?"

"Yeah, that would be a good idea."

"I can get a snack?"

"If you're good, yeah I think you can get a snack."

"What else we gonna get?"

"Broccoli and mushrooms and peas and liver on a stick."

"Mama, why you always tease like that?"

"Because I've been married to daddy for too long."

"Oh," he said as if she had revealed the meaning of life to him.

"Go get your shoes on so we can get all the shopping done before daddy comes home."

"On mark, and set, go!" he hollered, running into the other room.

"Your brother is a crazy pants," Lindsay chuckled, lifting Ben off the floor and putting his jacket on him. He gave her a toothless grin and she spent a few minutes blowing raspberries on his cheeks. "Still not going to laugh for me, huh Ben Ry? Are you a tough cookie today?"

He was silent as he stared at her, his eyes wide before he grinned again.

"Mama, let's go out, I ready now," Colton reported, securing the Velcro on his shoes, which were on the wrong feet.

"Okay. Can you tell me the rules about the store?"

"No runnin', no screamin' for wanting stuff, and gotta hold hands or be in the cart."

"And?"

"No touchin' 'cept with one finger."

"Thank you buddy. Can you help me buckle Ben's seatbelt?"

He nodded and waited until Ben was comfortably in his seat before clicking the restraint into place.

"I do it like a good big brother," he said proudly, nodding.

"You are a good big brother. You're the best big brother in the whole world."

"I am?"

"Yes, you are."

"He's a pretty good little brother too. Come on mama, we need to get cereal."

"Cereal, really?"

"They gots toys in them."

"More like your daddy every day."

* * *

Colton walked quietly up and down the aisle, making sure he could see Lindsay at least out of the corner of his eye as he stared into the freezer case, trying to decide what kind of ice-cream to ask for. Chocolate was about all they ever got in their house, but he was definitely interested in the brightly colored sherbet on the middle shelf. He turned around, his hands safely tucked into his pockets after an incident in the fruit snack aisle.

"Mama," he whispered, looking up at her, his eyes large.

"What sweetie?"

"We can get ice-cream?"

"Mmhmm."

"I can pick?"

"Sure, you can pick," she agreed distractedly, checking her list to make sure she had what she needed.

"I go get it, okay?"

"Uh-huh."

Happily, he pulled his hands out of his pockets and skipped back to the freezer, yanking the door open and trying to find a way to get the ice-cream that was just out of his reach. It would be a lie to say that the question of how Isa would do this didn't cross his mind as he climbed up on the bottom shelf and stretched his arm out as far as it would go. His fingers grazed the cold cardboard and he tried again, standing on his tiptoes and pushing it enough that it finally fell off the shelf. Grinning, he jumped down and picked it up, running back to the cart and dropping it in.

"What was that?"

"Ice-cream, mama. I get it."

"I thought I told you not to touch anything."

"You say I could get it."

"I did?"

"Yeah, you say uh-huh. That mean yes, right?"

"Yes. I must not be paying attention."

"I in trouble?"

"No sweetie, you did what I said you could do. I'm sorry, I'm not all here right now."

"Well where are you?" he asked, climbing up on the side of the cart and holding on as she pushed it further down the aisle.

"Buddy, I don't even know."

He giggled and patted her hand.

"It's okay mama. I see you."

She grinned and leaned down to kiss him.

"You make me happy."

"I know," he said, stretching up to look at Ben. "He's sleeping."

"Yeah, it's naptime."

"It always naptime."

She smiled and put a few more things in the cart while he hummed to himself.

"Mama, look! It's Ellie!"

Lindsay turned around and saw Ellie approaching, a shopping basket on one arm and her soccer bag on the opposite shoulder.

"Hey Lindsay."

"Hey Ellie. What are you up to?"

"It's my day to bring snacks for soccer. I had to buy out all the carrots they had," she said, holding up her basket. "Mom reminded me for three days, but sometimes I guess I don't listen."

"That sounds about right. You have a game today or just practice?"

"Just practice. We've got a game next week."

"Are you doing outdoor or indoor right now?"

"Indoor. It's a lot rougher and mom isn't really a fan of it, but I think it's more fun."

"Definitely. Course, the Astroturf burns have gotta hurt."

"You wouldn't believe how much. Which is why I make sure I'm the toughest one out there."

"Funny, I think that's how your mom operates."

"Where do you think I learned it?"

Lindsay snickered and shook her head.

"Oh, I was gonna tell you and Austin that we're doing a soccer camp this summer, and we have a class for three year olds. You guys should sign the kids up."

"They would probably love that. Even if it just meant getting outside."

"I'll let you know when we get everything set in stone."

"Yeah, I'll tell Austin."

"Sweet."

"Colton, you want to learn how to play soccer?"

"Um, sure. Now?"

"No, later."

"Okay. You show me how, Ellie?"

"Yep, you'll be the best player out there when I'm done with you."

"Deal," he said with a nod.

"I gotta get to practice, but I'll see you guys later."

"Bye, have fun."

They watched her go and Colton looked up at Lindsay.

"I gonna be the best soccer boy in the whole world, mama."

She grinned at his enthusiasm; he wanted to be the best in the whole world at everything, and she hoped he kept that drive, but could also handle it when there was someone else that was inevitably better than him at something. As for her, it was going to take a little adjusting to the idea that he was going to do something without her. Not that she wanted to smother him or keep him home at all times or anything like that. But he wasn't just growing up anymore. He was grown up. Sure, he had a lot more to do, but he was getting to the point where he needed her less and less.

* * *

"So then Isa decided that the finger paints that her wonderful aunt Lindsay got her for Christmas were in desperate need of being smeared all over her brother."

"I hear sarcasm."

"I found blue paint in his fat rolls; I'm allowed a little sarcasm."

"Go on."

"So while I'm getting after Isa and trying to bathe Junior, Sarah decides to be helpful and feed Elvis, and she dumped the whole bag of food on the floor, so when I finally finished with Junior, Elvis had eaten all the food and subsequently puked all over the floor and Sarah was crying because she thought she hurt him and about that time Isa started to whine that she was hungry and I realized I hadn't put dinner in the oven and then Danny's mom called and so now I only have one ear, and then Danny came home and he's whining because he's coming down with a cold and you have got to know how big of a baby he is when he's sick. So how was your day?"

Lindsay chuckled and buried her feet under the blankets on the bed. It was their Monday night _Castle_ watching phone date, a new tradition they had started because life was too busy to offer either them more than an hour a week. Adam had the boys in the other room and Lindsay was able to shut the door and just be herself for a while. Danny gave Austin the same space and neither guy had complained one word so far.

"Oh, it was one of those days. I mean those in the general sense, not those like you just rattled off to me."

"I sense a disturbance in your force."

"Colton's growing up."

"Yes, that is the natural way of things, Linds."

"I know but some days… some days he's so old. He doesn't need me to do everything for him. And he gets stuff, you know? He understands our jokes. He knows when we're having a bad day. He can tell when I sugarcoat things."

"Then stop sugarcoating them."

"You want me to tell him that the reason mama's so tired is that she had nightmares all night long and was too scared to go back to sleep?"

"Well maybe not that. I don't know Linds. Kids grow up. They become people with personalities and attitudes and you get to be their sounding board when they try out their back talk."

"Thanks for the perspective."

"We're talking through the whole show."

"We're multi-taskers and it's recording in the other room anyway."

"Oh yes, that. Joking aside, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just feeling old. Don't you ever get all melancholy like this?"

"Yeah, but then usually I have to change a diaper and I can't wait for them to grow up. At least a little bit."

"Thanks for listenin' to me when I whine."

"Anytime. And you're not whinin' Linds."

"Thanks for that. Are you out of ice-cream too?"

"Just finished my last spoonful. Geez we even eat in tandem. Mint chip?"

"How did you know?"

"Because that's what I was having."

"I hope we never change."

"Don't worry, I'll stop you if you do. Same for me?"

"Absolutely."

"Secret handshake."

"Ditto."

"I love our Monday night dates," Austin chuckled, sticking her spoon to her nose.

"They do restore my sanity. Plus Nathan Fillion is really nice to stare at."

"I didn't think you went for that type."

"I don't. I mean, I could stare at a painting but that don't mean I want it in my house."

"Okay, so besides Adam, who would you want in your house?"

"I can't have Adam? George Clooney. You?"

"Matthew Perry or Tim McGraw. Making me laugh or making me melt. It's how I ended up with Danny."

"Ew gross."

"Geez Banana, shut your freaking gob okay? It's not like last week you didn't tell me about your…" she cleared her throat pointedly. "Frequencies."

Lindsay giggled and picked at the loose string on the comforter.

"You shouldn't ask if you didn't want to know."

"I didn't know I was gonna know that much!"

"I didn't tell you nearly close to everything."

"Oh my word."

"Quit slapping your forehead. I woulda told you more if you hadn'ta covered your ears and said you would never be able to look Adam in the eye again."

"Hey, whatever floats your boat. It's not like I'm jealous or nothing."

"Ew, that's my partner and my best friend you're talking about!"

Austin giggled.

"Tit for tat."

"Did you just say that word in this conversation?"

"Only you would notice that, Linds."

"That's why we work, grasshopper."

They sat in near silence for a while, giggling every few moments until the credits rolled and the next show came on.

"I'd better go."

"Yeah, me too. The kids are gettin' loud out there and I just heard Danny say a fake swear, so I think he needs me."

"Meanwhile I am hearing only silence, so something has got to be amiss. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright. I love you."

"I love you too. Go save Danny."

"Night Linds."

She turned the phone off and got up, absentmindedly straightening the blankets and turning the TV off before she went into the other room.

"Hey mama."

"You're still up?" she asked, leaning down to pick him up.

"I was waitin' for you. You gonna rock me tonight please?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, an' read a book?"

"Sure, I can do that. Which one do you want?"

"The blue," he said, squirming down from her arms and dragging her into his bedroom. He spent a few moments rooting through his books until he found the one he was looking for. "_Love You Forever._ This one, mama."

She gave him a half smile and he crawled into her lap happily, sliding his finger into his mouth and holding his sock monkey around the neck. She cleared her throat and started the story, letting him turn the pages. It was a story that always made her tear up but tonight it was hitting the nail right on the head. She stumbled over the words but Colton didn't seem to mind, taking the repeating stanzas for her, reciting them from memory. The book ended after a few minutes and she closed it, dropping a kiss to the top of his head.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too, Colton."

She stood up and tucked him into his bed, kissing him once more before turning the light off. She stood in the doorway and watched the way the moonlight fell on his face, how his eyelashes rested on his full cheeks, the tiny dimples he still had on his knuckles. He was still her baby, her first baby, and no matter how old he got or how little time he had for her, she was still his mama, his only mama.


	112. Chapter 112

The lab was full to capacity, and it felt like everyone was at work all the time. Evidence piled up but didn't seem to connect, crime scene photos littered every available surface and so much coffee had been consumed in the last week it was almost as if the New York crime lab was single handedly keeping Folgers in business. The machines were working non-stop to the point where several of them had overheated and replacements had to be brought in. Everyone seemed to have at least one manila folder cut somewhere on their person, due to the speed at which they were handing off files. Mac hadn't left in three days, Jo in two, and no one had slept more than four hours at a time.

Lindsay was supposed to still be part time but she had put in over sixty hours this week and Adam was close to seventy. Faye had taken the boys for a whole day twice and Lindsay missed them terribly. It seemed that the only time she actually was home was when they had gone to sleep. She missed Adam too, despite working beside him most of the time. They tried to take fast lunch breaks together, but it didn't always work out that way. In the end, no matter how much evidence they processed together they still felt far apart.

But that is what happened when a serial killer decided to make his or her debut in the city that never sleeps. And this killer seemed insatiable to say the least. They had been averaging one body every other day, people of different ages, races, sexes, lifestyles, all killed in the exact same way. A single bullet, fired through the top of the head, most likely right where they were left. The most recent body had been this morning, left in a playground. The head was facing north, the feet south, arms pointing east and west. They weren't sure if this was something religious, depicting a crucifixion, or if it was something more astrological, dealing with the alignments of the stars and the poles. Or maybe it wasn't either one of those, maybe it was a killer with OCD who couldn't leave his victims slumped somewhere without purpose.

Either way, it was disturbing and without any way to say who would be next, everyone was on edge. If they could just find one pattern, one link between victims, they could blow this case wide open. So far Sid had concluded that all the fatal shots had entered the victims at nearly the same spot, give or take a few centimeters. They were most likely shot while they were kneeling or standing, with the killer above them. It was as if everything had to line up. A straight shot from the gun through the top of the head. The most likely path of travel entrance to exit. The bodies arranged exactly as they had been. It made little sense, but it had an air of organization to it.

"Briefing in the conference room in two minutes," Jo said as she passed by. "Someone smuggled in donuts."

"Bless you," Lindsay replied, securing the victim's purse she had been going through and heading over to the conference room. Mostly everyone was there already, Mac with his sleeves rolled up and his tie missing, a sure sign that he was reaching the end of this tether. She took a seat next to Adam, smiling when his hand found hers under the table. She smiled and squeezed back, wishing for just ten minutes to melt into his arms.

Coffee and donuts were passed around, but everyone just picked at them, hands almost jittery with the need to get back to work. But Mac knew them well, knew they needed time to get everything out on the table and really communicate the evidence, because maybe just maybe there was something to be found there.

Everyone had been assigned to a victim and they spent the next half hour exchanging information and getting everyone up to speed on what was going on with the case. But no matter how much they talked, no matter what was shared, at the end, they all walked out of the room quite possibly more frustrated then they had been upon entering. There just seemed to be no where to go, nothing to say. They didn't want another victim, but they needed to get more evidence somehow. Mac told them that group of FBI profilers were ready to offer their help, but he was obviously not very thrilled at the prospect of someone else on their turf.

"You alright, sweetie?" Adam asked, pulling her aside as everyone went their separate ways. She nodded.

"I'm just tired."

"C'mere."

He grabbed her hand and pulled her down into that deserted hallway, the one he had taken her to so many years ago. She smiled and looked around for lurking eyes before wrapping her arms around his neck and letting him kiss her more deeply than he ever had in semi-public before. She whimpered against him as her back pressed against the wall and his fingers went through her hair. She tilted just a little to the side while his hands went down and met her hips, squeezing them roughly as he moved almost impossibly closer. She didn't want to, but after a moment she broke the kiss, panting to get her breath back, and giving him a devilish smile.

"I miss you too," she whispered, reaching up to wipe the little smudge of her lipstick off of his lips. He smiled and kissed her thumb, dropping his forehead to hers.

"When this is all over, what are your thoughts on playing hooky one day?"

"I have really positive thoughts about that. Long as you're gonna be there," she said, drawing her finger up his chest, tracing over his clavicle and tugging on the collar of his shirt.

"Hey babe, don't address the package if you can't deliver."

She grinned and removed his hands from her hips, sliding her fingers through his in exchange.

"Next day off I'm all yours."

"Aren't you all mine anyway?"

"Well yes."

"And don't I still gotta share you with the boys?"

"True. But there is a blessed thing called nap time."

"Perfect. It's a date."

"I'd better get back to work."

"Me too. You'll come find me before you leave?"

"Yes."

"My favorite word. You'd better get outta here before I need a cold shower."

"I love you too."

* * *

"What time is it?" Danny asked, shaking his head to try and stay awake.

"I would tell you if I had the motivation to find out. I don't even know what day it is."

"Tuesday?"

"I said I don't know."

"Maybe it's Wednesday."

"It's probably Monday."

"You're just sayin' that so you can disagree with me."

"I gotta stay awake somehow," she said, leaning down to look into the microscope. The image swam before her eyes and she stepped back and blinked a few times before trying again.

"Danny?"

"Linds?"

"Why am I looking at starch?"

"I don't know. Why are you looking at starch?"

"Is that what this is?"

"I don't know."

"Can you come look?"

"Didn't you learn what starch looked like in the seventh grade?"

"Did you dye it purple too?"

"I think we dyed it blue actually," he said, rolling his chair over to her side of the table. "Looks starch-ish to me. Where'd you find it?"

"Cuff of the jeans of the last vic. I'm running the rest through the… um… that."

He raised both eyebrows at her as she gestured at the machine.

"If you can't remember the name of the GCMS, it might be time for you to go home."

"You said you didn't know what time it was."

"You don't need a clock to know which way the wind blows."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I don't remember."

"How have we not like, fallen down storm drains by now?"

"We're more careful out on the street."

"Don't say it that way, you sound like a hooker."

"Adam, your wife just called me a hooker," Danny said as Adam passed by the door.

"These are working hours, she's your problem now."

"Have you no sympathy?"

"I know how she gets when she's tired. Give her twenty minutes, she'll start singing TV theme songs."

"She already asked me if we're going to try and take over the world just like we do every night."

"She's reached the point of no return. Did you even eat today babe?"

She sighed and thought for a moment, eventually shaking her head.

"No, I don't think I did."

"She's gonna waste away to nothin'," Danny said, taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes. "Just a skeleton wearin' plaid."

"A skeleton that could still kick your butt so watch yourself, Messer."

"Shakin' in my Cons."

She rolled her eyes and went back to the trace, upping the magnification so she could try to beat the GCMS to a determination on the exact type of starch this was.

"It's beeping Montana. You lose."

"Shut up," she grimaced, making her way over to the machine.

"Too competitive," Adam chuckled.

"Why's everyone pickin' on me?"

"It's easy," they answered in unison.

"And you guys say me and Austin are bad together."

"You are. You two barely say a word to each other and can have an entire conversation."

"We do our best. Laundry starch."

"What?"

"Laundry- oh never mind Danny, you don't iron clothes."

"Who do you think I am? Iron clothes, you've got to be kidding."

"You look like you're wearing a shar-pei."

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"Shut up. You're just laughing because she irons your clothes for you."

"I pay her good."

"I don't wanna know."

"Well that's done," she sighed, putting all the evidence into a lock box for safe keeping and gathering up her paperwork. "I'm going to go and file this and get out of here."

"You're ditchin' me?"

"Danny, I'm supposed to be doing less than twenty hours a week right now. I just did sixty-five. I don't even have a parting shot for you."

"First time for everything."

"Yeah, that's what you said when you finally took a shower this morning."

He glared and she smiled, yawning before she left the room.

"You gotta do somethin' about her," Danny said.

"Would if I could."

* * *

"I wanna sleep in your bed mama. Please?" Colton begged, hugging her legs and pouting.

"We'll see," she agreed tiredly. "Say goodnight to Faye and go get some jammies."

"Night Faye," he said as the older woman picked him up and snuggled him for a moment.

"Night little boy. Thanks for being so good today."

"You're welcome. Love you."

"Love you too."

She set him down and he gave her a smile and a wave before taking off into his room.

"Lindsay, please tell me you're not going back to work in the morning."

"I'm sorry, I know it's been a long week and I really appreciate-"

"Oh honey, I'm not talking about that. I love being with the boys. I just mean that you need some rest. And they've been missing you."

"I know. It's just hard to slow down sometimes. When everyone needs you."

"Sweetheart, your first job is being their mom. And you're going to need some sleep if you're going to keep doing a good job at that."

"You're right."

"Besides, you've done your time this week. I think the world of crime solving can go a day without you."

"I'm sorry we've needed you so much this week."

"Oh hush, you know I would watch the boys every day if you let me."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Go get some sleep, alright?"

"I will. Goodnight. Be safe walking down the hall."

Faye chuckled and slipped out the door. Lindsay looked at the couch and wanted so badly to crawl onto it and fall asleep but she could hear Colton calling for her in the other room.

"I'm coming sweetie. Did you get jammies on?"

He was sitting in his bed, his sock monkey tucked safely into his arms as he looked at her and nodded.

"Did you 'acide mama? I can sleep in the big bed?"

"No, but I'll sleep with you in here for a little while."

"Okay."

"What did you do today?"

"I played cars, I colored, I watch movies, I make cookies, I hold Ben," he listed off while she yawned. His voice became softer and softer as she closed her eyes and fell asleep. He looked down at her and grinned, reaching over to grab his quilt off the bottom of the bed. He settled it around her shoulders and kissed her cheek.

"Night-night precious mama," he whispered, snuggling down next to her. "I love you."

* * *

That's how Adam found them a few hours later when he finally made it home. He considered leaving them like that, but Lindsay was half falling off the small bed and was still in her work clothes too. He stooped down and tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek.

"Linds?"

"Mmm?"

"You gonna stay here all night?"

"Can't move."

"Want me to move you?"

"Don't care."

"You're bein' difficult."

She smiled and opened her eyes, reaching up to cup his face in her hand.

"I know."

"C'mon, let's go to bed."

He helped her up and let her make sure the boys were tucked in before leading her into the bedroom. She yawned and sat down, kicking her shoes off while to tossed her some sweats and a t-shirt. They changed clothes quietly, Lindsay giggling and jumping into bed first, stealing his pillow. He groaned and stole the blankets, causing her to yelp from the cold and crawl closer to him.

"You going in tomorrow?"

"No."

"Good."

He kissed her forehead and rubbed her back while she sighed and nuzzled into his chest. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he answered, twirling a strand of her hair around his finger.

"How come it took you so long to propose to me."

"What?" he chuckled. "Where did that come from?"

"Lots of time to think when processing trace."

"I see."

"So how come it took you so long?"

"Babe, if I would have asked you when I first wanted to, I would have scared you to death."

"When?"

"Our second date."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But… why'd you wait so long after that?"

"Honey, I wanted to ask you every time I was with you. But it had to be the right time. I wanted to ask you as soon as you got back from Montana, but I knew you needed some time to get your feet back on the ground. And then all that other stuff happened and I just wanted to wait until life calmed down. I didn't want anything else to be hanging off of it, you know?"

"Yeah."

"When would you have said yes?"

She smiled and looked away from him, blinking a few times in near embarrassment.

"What? When Linds?"

"Really early on. Probably even before it was a good idea."

"There was a time when it was a bad idea?"

"Well, no. I just mean that, before we really even know each other that well it might not have worked if we had gone all in."

"Maybe not."

"I was wondering for a long time when you were gonna ask me though."

"Were ya wanting to pull a Monica and propose to me?"

"No. But your time was running out buddy."

"Oh really? You were gonna give me an ultimatum?"

"I was gonna nudge you in the right direction."

"With a boot to my nether regions?"

"Not that bad, but you would have known how I felt."

"I had the ring for six months before I asked you."

"You did?"

"Mmm-hmm."

She smiled and shook her head.

"I love you."

"I love you too, darling."

"Goodnight."

He kissed her softly and she settled into his arms, slowing down enough to see that this is right where she had always belonged.


	113. Chapter 113

"But where are we going mama?" Colton asked for the fifth time.

"We're going to your Uncle Tim's for dinner."

"But who is that?"

"It's daddy's brother. Remember we talked about this."

"But why we goin'?"

"Because he asked us to."

"But we go to Austin and Danny's."

"Tonight we're not."

"But why?"

"Because."

"But why, mama?"

"Just because."

"But I wanna play with Isa!"

"I know that. You'll see her tomorrow when we go to the park."

"But I wanna play now!" he whined, throwing his head back in preschooler agony.

"If you keep acting like that you're not going to play at all."

"But I'm sorry mama."

"You're just out to get me today aren't you?"

He shook his head and spun his shoe around by the lace, sighing when he lost control of it and it fell on the floor.

"What we gonna eat for dinner?"

"I don't know buddy. Can you please put your shoes on so we'll be ready when daddy gets home?"

"Ben's gonna wear shoes too?"

"Yeah, I'll put some shoes on him when he wakes up."

"I can wake him up!" he hollered, running into the bedroom.

"Colton, don't!"

She set the curling iron on the counter and followed him in there, just in time to see him climb over the railing and into the crib.

"Wake up Ben boy, wake up!" he said, shaking the mattress. Ben woke up as requested and let out a loud squawk at being disturbed.

"Colton, why did you do that? Now he's grumpy," Lindsay admonished, picking Ben up and shushing him.

"But he awake now," Colton shrugged before climbing out of the crib. "You can put his shoes on."

She sighed and closed her eyes, counting down from ten so she wouldn't use the words that first came to her mind.

"I know you were just trying to help me, but can you please, please not ever wake your brother up unless I ask you to?"

"Oh. Okay mama. I'm sorry. I need to make him stop cryin'?"

"No, he'll stop in a minute. Thanks for offering though."

"I do my best."

"I know you do."

"I get my shoes on now."

"Hey, buddy," she started, crouching down. "I'm not mad at you."

"But I make a mistake."

"I know sweetheart. But it's like daddy says. Alls well that ends well."

"Okay."

She wrapped her free arm around him and kissed his forehead.

"It's okay buddy. You're a good helper and that's all you were trying to do."

"Yeah, I really just helping."

"I know. I appreciate every time you help me."

"I do 'cuz I love you."

"I know. And I love you too."

He nodded and kissed her cheek.

"I put my shoes on now. You can tie them?"

"Yeah, I will. Can you do me a favor though?"

"Yeah."

"I'm going to let Ben play on the floor while I finish getting ready. Can you watch him for me?"

"Yep. I will read him a book."

She smiled and settled Ben on a blanket on the floor while Colton found a book.

"Ben, this is the story of the gingerbread man. You ready?"

Ben gurgled and stared at his brother while Colton began to recite the story. Lindsay smirked and stood there listening for a second before she went back into the bathroom to finish getting ready.

* * *

Lindsay looked over at Adam wondering what he was thinking about. He'd been quiet when he got home and before she had a chance to ask him what was wrong they'd had to leave. She could tell he was agitated by the way he was steering, both hands at ten and two and gripping the wheel tightly. Colton was jabbering in the back seat, telling Ben about everything he saw outside the window, even though it was dark and he couldn't really see much.

Adam sighed and Lindsay reached over and rested her hand on his leg.

"You alright, honey?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine."

"What's on your mind?"

"Just this case."

"Still nothing?"

"Yeah. They don't have anything else to go on and I feel like I should be pulling something out of all the evidence. All we have still is that starch you found. We've narrowed it down to about fifty different laundry services in town. I'm just trying to connect some dots I guess."

"It's hard to leave it at work."

"Yeah, it is. Sorry, I'm putting it away now."

She squeezed his knee and he gave her a little grin.

"Kids do anything cute today?"

"They always do. But the laughing at the cats was pretty cute."

"It's no wonder the cats are always hiding under the bed."

"Under your side of the bed. They still hate me."

"Chewy doesn't hate you."

"Fluffy would like to see me die. You are the Peter Pan to her Tinkerbell and I'm just slutty Wendy."

"You wouldn't clap as hard as you could if she drank poison."

"I don't hate her, she's just a snob."

"You grew up with dogs, you don't understand cats."

"No, I don't."

"Thanks for putting up with them."

"They're less trouble than your dirty socks."

Grimacing, he reached over and flicked her shoulder.

"You're a brat."

"I know. Problem?"

"Nah."

"Daddy, mama's not a brat!"

"I was just teasing, buddy."

"You be nice to my mama, okay?"

"Okay, I promise."

"Or I will take her away."

"But I love her!"

"Then you be nice and give her hugs and kisses."

"But she's a girl! She's got cooties!"

"Mama's don't got cooties, Austin says."

"You just got told," Lindsay chuckled as he took her hand and slid his fingers through hers.

"I let him have the win."

* * *

Colton tugged on Lindsay's hand excitedly but silently, trying to be patient as the adults were all introduced, but wishing they would hurry up. He was much too enchanted to stand still much longer and he reached up and patted Lindsay's arm.

"Mama, excuse me but I gotta tell you somethin'."

"What?"

"There's a _doggie_ over there," he whispered seriously.

"I know."

"His name is Skywalker," Tim said, crouching down in front of Colton. "You wanna go see him?"

"Yeah. Skywalker like Luke?"

"Yeah, just like Luke."

"That's cool," Colton said, following Tim across the room. "My Isa have a doggie named Elbis. He's real big. Isa's my bes' frien'. But I'm not s'possed to kiss her no more."

"Oh really?"

"Yep, Uncle Danny say she not old enough for that. She gonna be three just like me. Aunt Austin say we can have a sleepover and eat popcorn."

"That sounds like fun."

"Yep. Me and Isa have lotsa fun. We make mama and Austin crazy," he said, squatting down and patting the dog's head. "They say we gotsta behave at Flack and Jess's weddin' later. We gonna dress up for it and I get to hold the rings and Isa gets the flowers. Hi Skywalker. I'm Colton. You're a nice doggie."

"Yeah, he is. If you roll this ball across the room he'll go get it and bring it back to you."

"Really? Can I try?"

"Yep, here you go."

Colton rolled the ball and the dog jumped up, running across the room and bringing it back.

"Go again!"

"He'll be occupied all night long," Adam chuckled as Stacy handed them drinks and they all moved to the couches. "So are you working on any good projects right now?"

"Always a good project," Tim answered. "Getting a lot of online begging to make a PC compatible version of a few games. We'll make one, PC gamers will hate it, we'll vow to never make another PC version, they'll beg for one… Guess that's just the way the cookie crumbles."

"GamesRadar users are the worst," Adam noted. "I read a thing about them wanting a PC version of Mirror's Edge."

"Is that the game that makes me nauseous every time you play it?" Lindsay asked, wrinkling her forehead.

"Yeah. The one you can't stop watching."

"Nothing ever happens in that game. You just look around and jump on stuff."

"It's a spiritual journey."

"Oh my word."

"We've got to put more into games than running and shooting people," Tim said "That's why we make storyboards."

"You sound like a girl," Stacy commented, rolling her eyes.

"Well we've got to do something to keep things fresh."

"Yeah, no one wants to play the same old game over and over again."

"You guys are talking like there's the chance that someone in the world is going to come up with something as visually pleasing, challenging, and enjoyable as Pacman."

"Adam, you married a good woman," Tim chuckled. "She has my approval."

"Great, she's gonna use that against me next time we fight. "But I have approval!""

"Well I do," Lindsay retorted, quieting Ben's crying with a pacifier.

"So you're saying a good game would be a single screen with four movement possibilities?"

"You say it like that and it sounds like crap," Lindsay said shaking her head. "I'm just saying simple is better. You don't need a half hour movie between levels. It just makes the kids stay on there longer. You need games with calculated strategy beyond what knife would be best for filleting the prison guard."

"And with a baby in her arms she says this," Stacy snickered. "I don't think anyone has ever told my husband so succinctly what's wrong with the video game industry."

"I wouldn't know half of what I know if I hadn'ta married my own geek."

"Shut up, you love me."

* * *

They stayed at Tim and Stacy's a lot later than they planned, and both boys fell asleep in the car. Ben had refused to eat dinner, saying he would rather play with the dog. After much convincing he'd tried a bite, said thank you and gotten back down to play. Lindsay figured it was a done battle and there was no use in chancing kicking and screaming in front of other people.

They carried the boys upstairs, changing their clothes and tucking them in with nary a peep and closing the door most of the way.

"So. Think that went okay?"

"Well, they're kind of the younger, richer version of us."

"You're just saying that because Stacy said she has a thing for distressed furniture."

"Yeah well just because we're gonna go antiquing…"

He chuckled and opened the freezer.

"Ice-cream?"

"Question in your mind?"

"I should know better. Lots or little?"

"Little. It's late."

He gave them both two little scoops and they jumped up on the counter, their feet dangling together. He slid is arm around her and he kissed her hair.

"Thanks for being… for doing… for just… everything."

She grinned and pulled him in for a kiss.

"I'll always be there. You know that."

"I know. But you've been really, really there. You've been patient when I'm angry and you've listened to me when it sucks and you've made me go through it because you knew I would regret it if I didn't."

"I just want what's best for you. I didn't want you to feel pushed."

"I did, but I needed to be. You're not afraid to do that."

"I would hope you would do the same thing for me."

"I would. You know, I don't think anyone else in the world loves each other as much as we do."

"You're probably right. There's some close seconds, but I think we're it."

He smiled at her words and forgot about the ice-cream as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Do you ever think about what it's gonna be like when we're old?"  
"What do you mean?"

"Like how we're gonna be. Little old lady and little old man. We still gonna jump up on the counter and eat ice-cream at midnight?"

"Maybe not jump on the counter but we can get step stools."

"I love the way you think babe."

"Let's go to bed and I'll show you just how much you can appreciate the way I think."

"And the way you do other things too?"

"Lots of other things," she confirmed, waggling her eyebrows and grabbing his hand.

"You spoil me," he said, his feet hitting the floor. He turned around and grabbed her waist, almost knocking her head against the counter as he kissed her.

"You complainin'?" she asked, her voice low and her eyes shining as she raked a hand through his hair. He chuckled and nuzzled her nose before kissing her again, cradling the back of her head in his hand and pulling her as close as he could get her. She reached up and unbuttoned his shirt, running her hands over his chest and around his shoulders, breaking the kiss to look into his eyes.

"It's gettin' late."

"Changing your mind?" he asked, his voice rough.

"Just telling you that you might wanna get things moving."

Chuckling, he swept her off the counter and into his arms, taking a second to get his balance before heading into the other room.

"You're not fixing to fall asleep on me, are you?"

Her dark eyes danced with amusement.

"Not if you play your cards right," she nearly drawled as he kicked the door closed behind them. He grinned as her lips met his again and he sat them down on the bed. They stayed that way for a moment before she pulled away from him.

"I'm so proud of you, Adam. Do you know that?"

"I know."

"You're amazing. Do I tell you that?"

"You tell me lots of things, babe."

"It's all true. You believe that?"

"I'm starting to. You make me."

"I love you more than you can even imagine."

"I know Linds. I know."


	114. Chapter 114

"Whoa, Montana, if you're tryin' to break some kinda record you might wanna make sure there's someone else in the room as a witness."

"Danny shut up," she huffed, walking across the room and retrieving the pen she had just chucked at the wall with all the force she could muster.

"I'm just sayin' it doesn't count unless you got a witness."

"I'm about to be the only witness to your murder," she snapped, sitting back down in her chair and glaring at him.

"What'sa matter?"

"I _hate_ this case."

"We all do."

"No, I mean I really, really, really hate this stupid, dead end, horrible, one step behind, makes no sense case."

"Tell me how you really feel."

"Can we honestly still have nothing but starch? Are we seriously so without anything to go on that we're bringing in an FBI profiler even though Mac hates that? This is like… I can't even think of an analogy!"

"So you're just gonna sit there clenchin' your fists and givin' me crazy eyes?"

"Would you rather I pulled my hair out?"

"Nah, this is fine. Here, have chocolate."

He tossed her a small wrapped candy and she grinned.

"You've been holding out on me, partner?"

"Nah, this is Austin's stash she doesn't I know I know she keeps in my desk so Flack won't steal it. So don't tell her I stole some for you, okay?"

"Now we're in cahoots?"

"Weren't we always?"

"Guess so," she said after a moment of thought. "You know I'm telling her next time I see her, right?"

"Yeah, I know. So what right now at the moment is stressing you out about this case?"

"Twelve victims in one month. No leads, no suspect, no pattern."

"And you're wondering who's going to be next and wondering how high the count is going to get before we catch him."

"Yeah. All the victims were alone. That's it. They were alone. What does that mean? Is it even important? Aren't most victims alone at the time of death? Should it make any difference? Should we swing the case a certain way? And if we should, which way is that?"

"You know it's not your job to make those decisions."

"I know but…"

"You can't help it."

"I can't."

"That's why you're good at this job, Montana."

"Stop it, I can't handle it when you're not makin' fun of me. It's like you're speaking a different language."

"It's weird for me too. You said Mac's bringing in a profiler?"

"Yeah. I might have been eavesdropping almost completely on purpose and I heard him talking to Jo about it."

"I think we're all feelin' pretty guilty around here."

"At least it's slowing down. Every three days instead of every other. But still."

"Yeah."

He sighed and grabbed his baseball off the desk, tossing it in the air and catching it while she opened up a game of Spider Solitaire. It wasn't not working, they both just thought better when they weren't looking straight at the case.

"1903, Boston Americans. 1904, no game. 1905, New York Giants. 1906, Chicago White Sox. 1907, Chicago Cubs. 1908, Chicago Cubs. 1909, Pittsburgh Pirates."

"Reciting World Series winners again?"

"Yep. 1910, Chicago Cubs."

"False. Philadelphia Athletics."

"Not."

"I've heard you recite this 100 times. 1910, Philadelphia Athletics beat the Chicago Cubs."

"Oh you're right," he sighed. "I gotta start over. 1903, Boston Americans."

She rolled her eyes as he continued down the list, getting to 1951 before Austin came in the room with a manila folder.

"Hey guys-"

"Danny gave me a piece of your chocolate."

Austin sighed and looked at him.

"I could divorce you for this."

"Could not."

Wrinkling her nose, she opened his desk drawer and pulled out the bag of chocolate, plopping it in Lindsay's lap.

"I think it'll be safer with you."

Lindsay nodded seriously, then stuck her tongue out at Danny and dropped the chocolate into her desk.

"As I was saying, I just got the background and financials back on our latest vic. One speeding ticket two years ago, otherwise clean."

She dropped the file strategically on both their desks but Danny snatched it up first.

"Folder cut," Lindsay grimaced, her finger immediately going to her mouth.

"You're like sharks at feeding time."

"You never taught him ladies first."

"I know ladies first, but you're not a lady, you're a country girl."

"Country girls carry buck knives and are generally proficient at butchering things and walking silently. Chew on that for a minute."

"You two are worse than the kids."

"Oh come on!" they chorused.

"What?"

"Worse than the… Austin you are totally the ringleader," Lindsay said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Sorry baby, but she's got a point. You are always the one to start poke fights."

"More importantly than my occasional immature behavior is the fact that despite the fact that we don't seem to have a pattern here, I think we have a pattern in the fact that we don't have a pattern."

"Huh?"

"Maybe that's the point. These people have nothing in common. They we all alone. They were perceived by the killer as being no one, nothing. They only thing they all share is the manner in which they died."

"So you're sayin' that he's picking off people who are alone? Like it's not just opportunity that they're alone, he's purposefully picking people who are by themselves as a part of his statement?"

"I think so. Linds, you're silent."

"I was just thinking. He's slowing down. Most serials increase their blood lust with every kill. But this guy seems to be winding down. That would indicate a change in his life, or something that interrupts his schedule. That starch we found was on the eighth victim. That's when we started finding a body every three days. That's when he started slowing down."

"You're thinking the starch and the change of pace are connected?"

"I don't know. Maybe he realized he'd left evidence. I mean if this guy is so focused on the last detail, maybe he would know something like that. Did it freak him out? Is he afraid of getting caught so he's giving us less opportunity to find him?"

"Maybe somethin' did change in his life. A new job or something that takes up more of his time."

Lindsay sighed and dropped her head to her hands, wondering if they would ever get a solid break. It was all blue sky conjecture and county fair hogwash and there was nothing concrete about either of those things.

"I think we need to look at those laundry services again. Maybe a frequent customer, or an employee. I know there's a long list but… maybe we get lucky."

"But what do we even look for?"

"I have no idea."

"Maybe that fancy criminal profiler will tell us," Danny said, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his nose where his glasses rested.

"So we sit around and do nothing until he gets here?"

"I dunno, I'm not the boss."

"Thank God," Lindsay and Austin said, snickering.

"You know that talkin' in unison thing? It's annoying."

"He's gonna tell us to cut it out, Aust."

"Or he's never gonna let me see you again."

"Horrible, mean man."

"I hate you both," he grumped, standing up from his chair. "I'm getting coffee and neither one of you are gettin' any."

They watched him go, mocking him until he was out of sight before Austin flopped into the chair by the door.

"You alright Linds?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Tired, frustrated."

"I meant not case wise."

"I'm okay. Do I seem not okay?"

"You seem a little in your head."

"Maybe a little, but I'm alright."

"Just checking. I'd better go. Flack's worse than a mother at midnight. See you later?"

"Yeah. And Aust?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for checking."

"Always."

* * *

"Oh, mama's beat little man," Lindsay said, sinking down into the chair and rubbing her eyes.

"How come?"

"Because it was a long day. And being a grown up is hard work."

"Daddy says hard work is good."

"It is good, but it's not always that fun."

"Oh. Daddy gonna put me to bed or you?"

"Want me to do it?"

He shook his head.

"No, daddy can. You tired."

"Are you sure? You don't want me to tuck you in?"

"You don't have to mama," he said, patting her hand. "It okay."

"Hey, you just wait a ripe old minute there dude," she chuckled, grabbing him as he started to walk away. "I'm never, ever too tired to tuck you in if you want me to."

His face brightened and he nodded.

"Okay, you tuck me in."

She smiled and picked him up, galloping into his bedroom while he giggled. She gently tossed him onto his bed and he scrambled under the covers before she could tickle his feet.

"I need my Mo," he said, pointing at the sock monkey in the middle of the floor. She retrieved it for him and he hugged it happily.

"We're going to have to let Mo go for a swim in the washing machine pretty soon."

"No thanks."

"Yeah, he needs to get clean."

"He cannot swim, mama. He cannot go in there."

"I'll put a lifejacket on him first."

"Okay."

"Ready for sleep?"

"I'm gonna dream 'bout playin' in the ocean tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

"You go with me?"

"I would love to," she said, her eyes shining at the unintentional throwback to so many years before.

"Goodnight my mama."

"Goodnight my big boy."

She kissed him gently and left the room, closing the door almost all the way. Adam had finished washing the dinner dishes and was sitting on the couch channel surfing, so she joined him, curling up against him, her head tucked under his chin.

"Glad you're home. Missed you today."

"I missed you too," she said, playing with his ring. "Anything good on?"

"Just sit-coms."

"So no."

"Nope."

"You're a man of few words tonight."

"I'm not feeling so great. Headache."

"Want to go to bed early?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

"You don't look like you want to get up."

"I'm comfortable for a bit."

She smiled and ran her hand over his stomach.

"You been working out?"

"No."

"Yes you have."

"Okay, so sometimes I do it on my lunch break. It's only half an hour."

"It's a nice half hour."

"Okay, stop it now," he chuckled, removing her hand.

"What, are you all embarrassed?"

"No."

She chuckled and leaned up, kissing the underside of his chin.

"You know you don't need the gym, right?"

"It's kinda fun. I actually don't feel like a bumbling idiot there."

"You're not a bumbling idiot, Adam."

"You don't see it because you love me. You don't hear the stuttering because it goes away around you."

"So why does it matter?"

"What?"

"Adam, no one else ever notices it either. Besides, it's just your brain moving way too fast for your mouth. Because you're a genius."

"Linds."

"What? Doesn't matter what you look like to anyone else, just what you look like to me."

"Where did you hear that cockamamie thing?"

"You."

"Oh."

She grinned and traced a finger over his lips.

"I think that I am the luckiest woman in the entire world, and I am sure that there are lots of women that would take one look at you and agree with me."

"You think so?"

"Baby just looking at you makes me drool."

Their eyes met for a second before they burst into laughter.

"You should write Valentines cards."

"Right because someone else on this planet has the same weird sense of humor that we do."

"You never know. You could be a hot commodity."

"I thought I already was."

"Your eyebrows say more than your mouth ever does, waggler."

"How's that headache?"

"You are such a dork my dear."

"Totally okay with that," she said, leaning up to kiss him.

"Am I going senile or did you hear that noise too?"

She turned slowly and looked behind them, grinning at what she saw.

"A little boy snuck out of bed and he's standing in his doorway watchin' us."

"Should I go put him back to bed?"

"Nah, let him stand there. He'll remember it when he's older and he'll think about how much his parents loved each other even when no one was looking."

"You talk pretty."

"I do my best."

"Hey, know what I found today?"

"What?"

"The long lost remote."

"Really? Where was it?"

"Under the couch."

"Why were you looking under the couch?"

"Escaped bottle."

"Alls well that ends well. Now we can actually do more than change the channel."

"I love the power of volume. I chucked the universal remote in the trash."

"Freeing, isn't it?"

"Yes it is. Simple pleasures."

"I like that."

* * *

"I'm gone for two days and you solve the case without me?" Lindsay grumped, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yes," Mac answered plainly, amused at her attitude.

"Well what happened?"

"You were right when you said something had made him change his pattern. He'd recently been hired at a laundry service."

"Interesting."

"He did have ODC like we thought, though he couldn't explain why he killed the way he did. We think he may have a compulsion to keep things in pairs. He sees someone walking alone, and he is forced to eliminate them because they are not a part of a pair."

"Score one for the Lonely Hearts Club."

Mac nodded and poured half a packet of sugar into his coffee.

"He's being held pending psychiatric evaluation, but he's not getting out any time soon."

"I would hope not. So what's on the agenda for today?"

He just looked at her until she groaned.

"Paperwork? Why do I always get stuck with paperwork?"

"You have the best handwriting."

"Lindsay has to clean the machines because she knows how. Lindsay has to do the paperwork because she has the best handwriting. Lindsay has to test the urine because she has kids and urine shouldn't gross her out. Well lemme tell ya, urine does gross me out when it's green."

"Don't forget to dot your i's and cross your t's."

"Mac, I say this with the utmost respect. You suck."

He chuckled and she shook her head, grabbing up the mess of files from the last few cases before leaving his office.

"You're mean to her," Jo said with a grin. "What'd she ever do to you?"

"Nothing. It's just fun."

"Fun?"

He shrugged and she laughed.

"You're gonna have to make it up to her someday."

"We'll see."

"Mac," Austin said, exasperated as she came into the room. "You got a spare spot in your desk?"

"What for?"

"My chocolate. Everyone keeps eatin' it! I thought I could trust Lindsay you know? Of all people, she would never eat my chocolate. And I come back and half the bag is gone."

"So basically you're saying you want me to hide it from everyone who might steal it."

"Yes please."

He sighed and took the candy from her, shoving it in the bottom drawer of his desk.

"You didn't see this," Austin whispered to Jo before leaving the room.

"This place is never boring."

"And now you know why I never leave."


	115. Chapter 115

A/N: Wanted to try something a little different with this one… It didn't turn out exactly how I saw it, but it's pretty freaking cute anyway…

You've Got A Prayer In Memphis

* * *

Colton danced around the kitchen in excitement, spinning around until he got dizzy and crashed into the fridge. He'd been waiting for this for a long time and now that the day was finally here, he could hardly contain himself. In truth he'd only been waiting two days, but it seemed to him an eternity.

"Mama, what time is it?"

"It's five o'clock."

"When is Isa comin'?"

"In half an hour."

"How long is that?"

"One episode of Veggie Tales."

"Oh mama, that's forever!" he wailed hugging her legs. "You call Austin, tell her to come fast, okay?"

"No bud, you just be patient, okay? Why don't you go get some blankets out of the closet so daddy can build you that fort?"

"Okay mama!"

He ran into the hallway and threw the closet open, pulling a stack of blankets off the lower shelf. He struggled to get it all into his bedroom, grunting with every step until he dropped it in the middle of the floor. Sighing he glanced over into the crib where Ben was just waking up.

"Hey brother. Know what? Isa's gonna sleep over tonight. We gonna play and play and play. But you can't because you is too little. Plus she's my best friend and not yours. But that's okay, you can play with mama and daddy tonight. Oh, and we get popcorn. Daddy said so."

Ben just looked at him through the crib bars, blinking slowly before giving his big brother a smile.

"You have stinky britches, brother," Colton said, shaking his head and running into the other room. "Mama, Ben is smellin'."

"You know, you used to stink too," Lindsay said, crossing the room and lifting Ben out of his crib.

"Nu-uh, mama. That's a story and we don't tell stories."

"That is not a story mister. All babies stink at some point."

He just shook his head, not believing her. There was no way he could ever have smelled like that.

"Is it time yet?"

"No, not yet."

"But I wanna see Isa!"

"Colton, I know you do, but you have to be patient. It's not going to be forever, I promise. She'll be here really soon, but if you keep up this attitude, I'm going to have to call Austin and tell her not to come."

His nose started to sting and he knew tears were coming so he blinked them back quickly. The thought of Isa not coming over after all was enough to make his stomach upset.

"Okay mama," he said quietly.

"But if you're patient just a little bit longer you'll get to see the surprise."

"A surprise? Really?"

"Yep."

"Is it a good one?" he asked, climbing up on the side of the crib so he could see her better.

"I think so. You'll like it."

"Will I love it?"

"There's a very strong possibility."

He wasn't quite sure what that meant, but she was smiling so he smiled too.

"Mama, what is for dinner?"

"Why do you always ask that question?" she chuckled, lifting Ben into her arms and kissing his cheek.

"Dunno," he shrugged, watching the smile that spread across her face as Ben gurgled at her. Sometimes Colton did feel a little left out. Because Ben was so cute and he couldn't do anything, so mama and daddy had to pay a lot of attention to the baby. But he himself was a big boy. He could feed himself and change his clothes, brush his teeth and put his own shoes on. He cleaned his own room and made his own bed and didn't even cry when he fell down. He didn't cry in the nighttime, even when he had bad dreams, and he certainly never spit up or made messes in his pants. But it still seemed that everyone liked Ben better.

There was a knock on the door and then it squeaked open and he jumped off the crib, bounding out into the other room to see his best friend.

"Isa, Isa, Isa!"

"Hi Colt!" she shouted, dropping her bag on the ground and throwing her arms around him.

"Mama said she got a surprise! And daddy said we could have a fort, and popcorn and even a movie too!"

"Oh yay!" Isa cheered. "Let's go play."

"Okay. Wanna play Legos?" he asked as they went into the bedroom, leaving their mothers in the kitchen.

"Okay. I make a monster."

He grinned and pulled down the bucket of Legos, lifting the lid off and dumping them on the floor. They set to work on their own creations, not saying much of anything to each other as the pieces snapped together.

"Isabeth, I'm leaving," Austin said, crouching down in front of her.

"Mm'kay," Isa replied with a nod.

"Do I get a hug?"

"I'm buildin', mommy."

"Just a fast hug? Because I won't see you until tomorrow."

"Okay," Isa sighed, abandoning her project for a moment and hugging her mom.

"I love you baby girl. I'll come and pick you up after breakfast."

"Uh-huh."

"You be a good girl and listen to your aunt Lindsay."

"Uh-huh."

"Have fun, okay?"

"Okay, mommy. Bye," she said, wriggling out of Austin's arms. She could never understand why grown-ups spent so long saying goodbye.

"Bye baby."

"Bye Austin," Colton said, giving her a wave. She stooped down and kissed the top of his head and he grinned.

"Bye bud."

They waited until she left and then looked at each other and giggled, ready for their sleepover party to begin.

* * *

"Please, daddy?" Colton said, grabbing onto Adam's hand.

"Yeah, please?" Isa said, jutting her bottom lip out and blinking several times. It was a face she used on her daddy and she knew it would work with Adam too. He looked at both of them and sighed, standing up from the couch.

"Alright, let's go make a fort."

They whooped and hollered and ran into the bedroom, dancing around in excitement. They'd been waiting for this fort all night long and now that it was almost time for bed, it had been looking like they wouldn't get it. But now it was happening, and as Colton had assured, Adam made the best forts in the world. They watched him work, handing him blankets and rubber bands, which he attached to kitchen table chairs. Soon the fort began to take shape and they stood there giggling, waiting until they could go inside.

"Alright, it's done, but don't go in yet," Adam said, crawling out from the blankets.

"Why not daddy?"

"Because mama got something for your fort and I need to go get it."

Colton nodded and took Isa's hands while they spun in a circle around the room.

"We gots a fort, Isa."

"Yep! It big."

"Yep. We put a elephant in'nere?"

Isa giggled and nodded then started to jump up and down.

"See how up I go?" she asked.

"Uh-huh. I not go that up. See?"

He jumped a few times, but not nearly as high as Isa. She giggled.

"We get a jumpoline, 'kay?"

"What's that?"

"A jumpoline," she repeated, stressing the word. "Grama got one. I jump on it."

"Oh," he said, as if he suddenly recognized what she was talking about.

Adam came back into the room, hiding something in his hands and crawled back into the fort.

"What is it, daddy?"

"A surprise. Give me just a minute, okay?"

Colton sighed and looked at Isa who sighed too. Why couldn't grown ups ever just hurry the heck up?

"Are you two ready to go to sleep?" Lindsay asked from the doorway.

"But we wanna play," Colton said, fighting a yawn.

"Yeah, play."

"I know, but it's getting late. And you want to get up and have breakfast in the morning, right?"

"Cereal?" Isa asked hopefully.

"If you want cereal, then cereal you shall have."

"Gots Fruit Loops?"

"I think we do."

Isa grinned and hugged Lindsay's legs while Adam climbed out of the fort.

"Alright kids, it's ready."

Squealing, they clambered into the fort, surprised at the plastic glow in the dark stars that were stuck to the inside.

"Wow, lookit, Isa! It's nighttime!"

"Cool! We outside!"

They giggled and climbed into their sleeping bags, staring up at the stars while Lindsay crawled in to kiss them goodnight.

"Okay, no playing in here. It's time for sleep."

"Oh, okay mama," Colton said, giving a long-suffering sigh. "Ben goin' to sleep too?"

"Yeah, I'll put him to sleep in a little bit, so you guys are gonna have to be quiet, okay?"

"Okay. Shh."

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"Goodnight baby."

"Night mama. Love you."

"I love you too."

Isa slid her thumb into her mouth, missing her mommy for just a second before Lindsay scooted over and snuggled her.

"Goodnight, my girl."

"A'night Indy," she said softly. She could say Lindsay's name just fine, but she preferred Indy. It's what she'd always said anyway. It made no sense to her to change it now.

Lindsay smoothed Isa's hair back from her face and kissed her cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you," Isa replied, reaching out and touching the locket Lindsay wore around her neck. She opened it carefully and smiled. "It's Colt and Ben."

"Yes, it is."

Isa nodded and held on for another snuggle before Lindsay crawled out of the fort. Colton turned on his side and looked over at Isa with a grin.

"Know what?"

"What?"

He smiled and reached into his pillow case, pulling out a handful of gummy bears.

"I stealed them," he whispered, offering a few to her. "Mama don't know."

Isa's eyes grew wide at his rebellion. He never, ever did anything wrong. But that didn't mean she wasn't going to enjoy the spoils of his escapade.

They laid there for a while, giggling and eating gummy bears, trying to stay quiet so they wouldn't get caught. About the time they finished, Lindsay came back into the room to put Ben in his crib. They were quiet, not moving a muscle and hoping she wouldn't check on them. She didn't and soon she left the room and closed the door partway behind her.

"Now what?" Isa whispered loudly, sitting up in her sleeping bag.

"Mama and daddy is watchin' the show. Come on."

She followed him out of the fort and into the dark kitchen, gripping his hand tightly and wanting to giggle. They stood in the doorway of the kitchen where they could see the screen and the last few minutes of the TV show playing.

"Look, thems dancin'," Colton whispered, pointing at the characters as_ Walking in Memphis_ floated over the air.

"Daddy dances with mommy," Isa said.

"My daddy dances with my mama too. A lot."

"We could dance too?"

"Yeah!"

They giggled and stumbled around in a circle, a slight imitation of what they had seen their parents do. Toes were stepped on but it didn't matter so much.

"Isa wanna know what?"

"What?"

"You is my favorite friend."

"I are?"

"Yep."

"Okay."

The episode ended and they scrambled back into their fort, not wanting to get caught out of bed. Isa yawned and stuck her thumb in her mouth, then reached over and gently pulled one of Colton's curls, smiling when it sprung back into place.

"Night, Sweet Thing."

"A'night, Colt."

* * *

He wasn't sure exactly what had woken him up and he blinked a few times, trying to remember why he was sleeping on the floor.

"Colt?"

"Isa?"

"Where my mommy?" she whimpered.

"You at my home, 'member? We sleepin' in the fort."

"I want my mommy," she said, rubbing her eyes. He crawled over and gave her a hug.

"It okay. She comin' in the mornin'."

"No, now!"

"You not go home, Isa, you sleep here today."

"I want my mommy."

"Here, you cuddle Mo," he said, handing her his beloved monkey. "He make it better."

"Mommy," she sniffled, taking the stuffed animal and tucking it under her head.

"I go get my mama for you, 'kay?"

"Scary out there?"

"Nah, I a big boy," he assured, climbing out of the fort. "Be back fast."

Isa laid there quietly, sniffling and thinking of her mommy and daddy, and wishing she could go and get in bed with them. She'd lay down right between them and they would kiss her cheeks and she would laugh and close her eyes, pretending to be asleep while they talked. She never knew what it was about, but she loved her mommy's voice and her daddy's strong arms and the sound of their laughter.

"Here, I bringed mama," Colton reported as he returned. "I gonna sleep again."

He settled back down and was asleep as quickly as he had woken.

"Hey sweetie pie, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked, laying down and brushing her fingers through Isa's hair.

"I want my mommy," she confessed, around the thumb that had slid into her mouth.

"I know."

"I sad."

"I'm sorry Isa. If I cuddle you for a while will that make you feel better?"

"Yes."

"Alright."

"Indy?"

"Yeah?"

"Mommy sings to me."

"She does?"

"Uh-huh. I not sad."

"It makes you feel better, huh?"

"Yes. You can sing to me?"

"What should I sing?"

"A song."

"Hmm."

She was quiet for a moment and Isa looked up at her, barely able to see her just by the light from the glowing stars. She cleared her throat gently, singing the first song that came to mind.

"Put on my blue suede shoes  
And I boarded the plane  
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues  
In the middle of the pouring rain  
W.C. Handy - won't you look down over me  
Yeah I got a first class ticket  
But I'm as blue as a girl can be

Then I'm walking in Memphis  
Walking with my feet ten feet off of Beale  
Walking in Memphis  
But do I really feel the way I feel"

Isa could feel herself getting tired and she cuddled closer, feeling that if she couldn't have her mommy, Lindsay was the next best thing. She yawned and smiled, letting her eyes drop closed as the song ended, suddenly feeling warm and safe and calm.

* * *

"Isa, wake up!" Colton said, shaking her shoulder. "Time to see the mornin'."

She sat up and rubbed her eyes, yawning a couple times before she said anything.

"I hungry."

"Yeah. We wake up mama and daddy. Come on."

She followed him out of the room, tiptoeing just like he was towards Lindsay and Adam's bedroom. He touched his finger to his lips and she nodded, watching as he climbed over the footboard and onto the bed. He motioned for her to join him and she managed to get up there after a few false starts.

"It's wake up time!" he hollered, jumping up and down a few times. "Let's go, get outta here folks!"

Isa giggled and jumped with him.

"We hungry!" she added, raising her arms in the air to get her point across.

"Make food!"

Lindsay and Adam chuckled at their antics then looked at each other for a second before each pulling a giggling child into their laps.

"They gonna tickle!" Colton warned as Adam's had came down on his belly.

"Oh no!" Isa cried, laughing uncontrollably as Lindsay tickled her sides. It went on for several more minutes until the kids managed to wiggle away, cheeks red and eyes bright.

"Alright, who wants waffles?" Adam asked.

"Me, me! Isa, say me, me too!"

"Me, me too!" she giggled as Adam scooped them both up off the bed.

"Well then let's go. Do we want chocolate chips in our waffles?"

"Yes!" they agreed, nodding happily.

"Why don't you two go and get dressed and then we'll eat," Lindsay suggested, stretching a little. She'd fallen asleep for about an hour on the floor with Isa, and her muscles weren't going to let her forget it.

"I pick?" Colton asked, hoping she would let him pick his own clothes. He really wanted to wear his Thomas the Tank Engine shirt.

"Yeah, you can pick. Isa, do you need help?"

"Yes."

She followed them into the bedroom, peeking in on Ben who was still sleeping soundly.

"I need socks," Colton said, opening all his dresser drawers. "Then undies, and pants and shirt and comb my hair."

Isa pulled her clothes out of her backpack and Lindsay helped her change quickly as it was a little chilly in the room.

"Should we get your hair out of your face so you don't get syrup in it?"

Isa nodded and Lindsay pulled her hair back into a ponytail, securing it with the hair tie she had around her wrist.

"Isa, you is a girl," Colton noted, wrinkling his nose.

"Yeah."

He stared at her for a second. He'd always known she was a girl, but as she stood before him with her hair all pretty and her shirt all pink it occurred to him that if she was a girl that meant she couldn't be a boy.

"You a boy," she said. "Daddy say boys is bad but you okay."

"Oh. We go eat now, right mama?"

"Yeah, let's go eat."

* * *

"Mama, put on the dance song please," Colton said, climbing down from the table.

"Which dance song?"

"Life's a dance."

She chuckled and found the song on her iPod, setting it to play. Isa giggled as she watched Colton dance around the room, knowing that he was a bad dancer, but not knowing quite how to tell him that.

"Life's a dance you learn as you go," he shouted. "A'time ya lead, a'time ya follow."

"Don't worry 'bout what you don't know," Adam added.

"Life's a dance you learn as you go!" Colton finished, taking Isa's hand. "C'mon Sweet Thing, you dance too!"

Pretty soon they were all laughing and dancing around the kitchen, bumping into each other and not caring that they were a little too loud for a Saturday morning. Isa and Colton mostly just jumped around, while Ben watched them from his spot in Lindsay's arms.

After a little while, the front door swung open and Isa squealed in delight.

"Mine!" she shrieked, running right past Austin and wrapping Sarah in a hug.

"Sissy!" Sarah greeted, just as happy to see her big sister.

"Hi Sarah," Colton said, waving at her. She gave him a shy smile and waved back.

"Lookit what we make," Isa said, reaching up and grabbing a roll of butcher paper off the counter. She unrolled it on the floor and crouched down seriously. "I lay down and Unca Adam drawed me. Then I color. Colt do one too."

"Yeah, see mine?" he said, retrieving his own paper. He'd giggled the whole time, so his tracing didn't look as nice as Isa's, but he had normal colored hair while hers was purple.

"Wow, looks like you guys had fun," Austin said.

"Yep. We have gummy bears at night-night."

"Shh, Isa, we wasn't apposed to tell!" Colton admonished, looking over at Lindsay.

"You had gummy bears in bed?" she asked, her hand on her hip. "Colton."

"I only taked some."

She sighed heavily and shook her head.

"We'll talk about this later."

He looked up at her and winced, knowing he was going to get in trouble for what he had done.

"We'd better go," Austin said, taking Isa's bag off the couch. "Gotta see the grandparents today."

"Unca Louie!" Isa and Sarah cheered. Austin shook her head and smiled.

"Isa, say bye to Colton."

"Bye-bye Colt," she said as they hugged. "I love you."

"I love you, Isa."

"You my favorite friend too."

He smiled and gave her a nod and a wave as they headed out the door. Even when they got really old like mama and daddy, he was sure they would still be each other's favorites.


	116. Chapter 116

"Do weddings make you a little weepy?" Austin asked, plopping down in the chair next to Lindsay and pulling Sarah into her lap.

"Maybe a smidge sentimental," Lindsay replied, reaching over to fix the flower in Sarah's hair. "Remember when that was us?"

Austin chuckled and watched as Samantha helped Jess with her veil.

"Yeah, I do. Was that yesterday or a million years ago?"

"I'm not sure."

They chuckled together while Isa approached, holding up two white baskets.

"Sarah, you gonna do flowers too?"

"I shy," Sarah replied, her excuse for never doing anything that made her uncomfortable.

"Colt be there."

Sarah sighed and looked down at the flower basket then up at Austin.

"Mommy?"

"I know you're shy, but maybe you can just try it and if you get scared that's okay."

"Try," Sarah said softly, reaching out for the basket.

"You and me and Colt, okay?"

"'Kay."

"Look, this dress is spinny," Isa announced, twirling around and letting the skirt fan out.

"I see London, I see France, I see Isabeth's underpants."

"Mommy, that's not nice," Isa said indignantly, crossing her arms.

"Well maybe that'll learn ya not to spin around in that dress then."

"I told you to put shorts on her," Lindsay chuckled, lifting Ben off the floor where he had been playing on a blanket with Junior.

"I never listen to you."

"I've noticed."

They looked at each other and chuckled.

"Okay guys, am I gonna send him runnin' the other way?" Jess asked, looking at herself in the mirror.

"Never," Austin answered. "And if he does, I'll make sure to trip him on the way out."

"You'd do more than trip him, Messer," Samantha chuckled. "You'd probably split his lip again."

"That was an accident and even if it wasn't he deserved it."

"All he did was steal your shoe."

"Stop stickin' up for your brother, traitor."

Samantha giggled and shook her head as someone knocked on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Colton Matthew Ross! I can come in there?"

Jess opened the door for him and he grinned up at her.

"Wow, you so pretty Jess!"

"Thanks, Colton. You look darn good yourself."

He grinned as Isa poked his shoulder.

"Hey, I pretty too?"

"Yep. And Sarah."

"Well look who's doling out the compliments. What about us dude? How do me and mama look?"

"You look good," he said with a nod. "And me?"

"You look dashing," Austin said, amused at the sight of a little boy in a tux.

"Yeah. Slicker than cow snot on a brass doorknob," Lindsay said. Colton grinned because he understood what that meant, but everyone else looked at her like she was crazy.

"It's about that time girls," Jess's mom said softly, adjusting her corsage and fighting back sentimental tears. "Are you ready sweetheart?"

"Yeah, I'm ready."

* * *

It was a quite the formal ceremony, what with the traditions on both sides of the family. Sarah made it almost all the way down the aisle before she spotted Austin and slid into the pew next to her. Isa and Colton sat on the bottom steps of the stage, whispering and giggling, but quieting down after stern looks from their mothers. Jo and Stella were no better, leaning over Mac to whisper to each other, until he discreetly moved so they could sit next to each other. Austin kept her eyes on Danny's the entire time, making sure he knew she was thinking about the kilt that Flack had told him he was going to have to wear as best man. Hawkes had snuck in at that last possible second with Camille, who had become a permanent fixture in his life after Willow moved to Paris.

"Linds?" Austin whispered about halfway through.

"Yeah?"

"You thinkin' about cake?"

"Yeah."

"And Jordan Almonds?"

"Buttermints."

"Punch."

"Frosting."

"Fondant roses."

"Cream filling."

"We're gonna lapse into sugar comas before we even get to the cake."

"Festive."

"Shh," Adam said, putting his finger to his lips. They grinned and made the exact same faces in reply, causing an eyeroll.

Before too long the ceremony was over and everyone made their way into the other room for the reception. The kids had found a second wind somewhere and were entertaining themselves under the table, untying everyone's shoes. Ben and Junior were still out for the count, but managing to be good sports as they got passed around the table to be fawned over.

"Hey mama," Colton said, crawling out from under the table and pushing his curls off of his forehead.

"Hey what?"

"I can take my coat off please?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

He wiggled out of it and she held her hand out for it, but he expertly tied the arms of the jacket around his neck.

"I have a cape," he informed her quietly, his face serious.

"Okay. Don't lose it."

"No worry mama. Isa, they's dancin' out here," he said, peeking his head back under the table. "You comin'?"

"Yeah. Come on, Sarah."

The girls crawled out from under the table, their once perfectly white dresses now with smudges of dirt and dust on them.

"Grumma," Isa sighed, patting Stella's hand. "My flower fall out."

Stella smiled and clipped the flower back into her hair.

"Better?"

"Yes. Thank you. I gonna dance. You too?"

"No sweetie, you go ahead."

Isa smiled and grabbed Colton and Sarah's hands and the three of them dashed out into the middle of the dance floor.

"Seems like they're pretty inseparable," Camille noted with a smile.

"They scream bloody murder when they have to leave each other," Austin replied. "It's amusing until you can't talk sense into them anymore."

"Then it's really irritating," Lindsay added. "Colton will cry for a whole day if I tell him he can't see the girls. It's quite pathetic."

"He's a ladies man," Adam defended. "Like his dad."

"You?" Lindsay and Austin asked incredulously in unison.

"What?"

They snickered and looked at each other, shaking their heads.

"Speaking of people who need to be kept apart."

"You keep us apart and it's gonna backfire on you."

"Oh yeah, there was that one time."

"The time that shall not be named."

"Or ever spoken of again," Austin added, her nose wrinkling in memory of their big fight.

"Amen, never happened. Better topic now please."

"Better topic like how much gel did Flack put in his hair today?"

"Perfect topic. I am guessing about ten times the dime sized amount they recommend."

"The dollar sized amount then?"

"Linds, get out of my head."

"Sorry."

"Hey, it's bad luck to pick on the groom on his wedding day," Danny said, sticking up for his friend.

"We'll pick on you then. Your hair all did and your face all shaved. You look like you're twelve."

"Shut up, Montana."

She grinned and deflected the cashew he chucked at her.

"And you act like you're four."

"We need to do something about this," Austin chuckled taking away the peanut that Danny was preparing to launch at Lindsay's head.

"I should think about separating them," Mac said.

"Hey, you can't do that. We're the dynamic duo!"

"Yeah, if it weren't for us, you wouldn't solve nothin'!"

"It's true Mac. You know it."

"They make a very convincing argument Mac," Jo chuckled. "But um… I don't know if the case solve rate makes up for the childish bickering."

"Me neither. Stell? What would you do?"

"I'd flip a coin and sack one of 'em."

"You take my partner away, I'll go on strike. Don't you think I won't."

"Lindsay I don't think you've ever been more serious about anything in your life."

"I'm just thinking about all the time it would take to train a new one."

"Thanks a lot, Montana. And what makes you think I would lose the toss and get sacked?"

"You're Danny," she explained as if that made sense. He grimaced.

* * *

"How much cake did you kids weasel out of people?" Lindsay asked as the kids ran around the kitchen, their nice wedding clothes exchanged for pajamas.

"More cake?" Isa asked, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Not even close."

"But… I your girl, Indy."

"That face is so not going to work on me."

Isa sighed in defeat and went back to playing while Stella chuckled.

"Pretty sure I know where she learned that face."

"What, this one?" Austin asked, making the same face Isa had.

"Precisely."

The wedding reception had run a little later than everyone had anticipated, and by the time it was over, everyone was in desperate need of dinner. There had already been a Ross/Messer family dinner planned and it really wasn't that much effort to include everyone else in it. The guys had managed to find something to watch on TV that satisfied all their curiosities and had been nearly silent for the better part of an hour while the girls got dinner ready.

"Hey does anyone else ever get the urge to call someone right after their wedding and ask them what they're doing?" Austin asked, pouring milk into the potatoes.

"It's the voicemail that's been sitting on my phone for years that I can't bring myself to listen to. I'm scared," Lindsay replied with a shake of her head.

"It's not bad. It's just me and Stell singing to you. We might have been slightly drunk."

"Might?" Stella asked. "Slightly?"

"Okay, we were completely shnockered."

"That's interesting because as I remember there was no alcohol at my wedding."

"Well see after you guys left early, ahem, there were several flasks shared by all."

"Thank you for shielding me from that."

"Your family cannot hold their liquor."

"I know!"

Jo chuckled and shook her head. She still sometimes felt like she was too far outside this family to ever fit in, but other times she felt like she had been with them for years and years.

"Hey Jo?"

"Hey Colton?"

"See this horse?" he asked, holding up a plastic toy.

"Yes I do."

"What kind is it?"

"I don't know."

"His name is Jeffrey."

"Jeffrey, really?" she asked biting back a laugh.

"Yeah. His brother's named Kevin."

"That's interesting."

"That's what mama says."

Lindsay shrugged. She was pretty used to Colton's antics, no matter how far out there they were. He came up with things sometimes that had no basis on anything and she had spent a long time trying to figure things out before. Better to just accept it and let it go.

"I've been sent on a mission to inquire about the projected time table for dinner," Mac said as he came into the room. "I want you to know that it wasn't my idea to ask, but I did draw the short stick."

"So you're saying don't shoot the messenger?"

"Yeah."

"Give us like two more minutes."

"Will do."

He turned and left the room, giving Jo's shoulder a squeeze as he passed. She smiled and no one seemed to notice except for Stella who shot her an amused glance complete with raised eyebrows.

"Shut up, Bonasera."

"I'm too busy giggling."

"Thanks for the support."

"What did we just miss?" Austin asked suspiciously, pulling plates down from the cupboard.

"Nothing dear," Stella answered with a grin. "Nothing at all."

"We always miss everything," she groaned, wrinkling her nose.

"I blame you," Lindsay said.

"Me? Why me?"

"Cuz you're standing right there."

"Linds, I'm disowning you."

"Again?"

"Just for a few minutes," she assured, setting the plates around the table and wondering how everyone was going to fit.

"I'm okay with that. Hey Adam?"

"What?"

"Would you c'mere?"

"No!"

"Dude."

"I'm comin'," he said with a sigh. "What?"

"Would you get the kids card table out of the closet?"

"You couldn't do that?"

"You better be teasin' mister or I'm gonna make you sit with those kids."

"It's in the closet you say?"

"Good boy."

He gave her a look and went to retrieve the table.

"Fifi, summon the gentlemen for dinner," Lindsay said with a wave of her hand.

"Food!" Austin shouted into the other room.

"Very nice."

* * *

"Hey Montana, that meatloaf recipe, can you give that to Austin? Because when she makes it… it totally doesn't turn out that way."

"At least I try."

"Yes, but your trying always leads to us ordering out."

"Maybe if you didn't run me out of the kitchen then I would learn."

"I do that so we don't become homeless."

"Danny be nice. She made the potatoes."

"Yeah!"

"Okay, okay. I'm being nice."

"Never insult a woman's cooking," Jo advised. "She may use it to end you."

"Some guys just can't hold their arsenic," the women chorused, chuckling.

"I'm afraid," Adam admitted, looking over at Lindsay warily. She grinned and shrugged.

"No!" Sarah screeched, standing up from the kids table and running over to Danny. He picked her up and she held on tight, glaring at Isa and Colton.

"What's the matter?"

"Not baby," she said, burying her face in his chest.

"Who's not a baby?"

"Sarah!" she said, exasperated.

"You gotta be the baby!" Isa said, her hands on her hips. "I the mommy, Colt the daddy, you the baby."

"No!"

"Sarah Claire Messah, you the baby, we say so, right Colt?"

Both girls turned and looked at him and he looked down at his plate.

"I just eatin' right now," he said, carefully trying to avoid the situation.

"Isa, why don't you go back and finish your dinner and leave your sister alone?"

"But…"

"No buts."

She stuck her bottom lip out as far as it would go, almost until it hurt, but he kept the same stern look on his face until she gave up and went back to the table.

"Are boys this difficult to raise?"

"Depends. Colton can throw a pretty good tantrum if he wants to. Although I think he learned that from Isa, so I should probably just take myself out of the judging process."

"Yeah, just wait until they're teenagers," Jo snickered. "You'll all be in for it."

"Don't mention the T word," Austin said, taking Sarah from Danny. "It freaks me out."

"You? I'm the one that has to get my shotgun out," Danny exclaimed.

She snickered.

"I am pretty sure that all the men around this table would be willing to get their shotguns out and join you."

"Our poor children. Their social lives are gonna suck."

"So did mine and look how I turned out!" Mac said with a half grin.

"We've got to get these kids out of the house," Austin deadpanned.

"Pronto."


	117. Chapter 117

A/N: Sorry this one took me so long to write. I think it's the longest I have gone between chapters. I started this out one way and I really could have split it into two shorter chapters but I didn't and I am too lazy to do it now. There might be some fast forwarding going on in the future so hold on!

* * *

"Bedtime for bonzo's!" Adam announced flying a giggling Benjamin around the kitchen, making jet engine noises as they went. Lindsay chuckled as she watched them, shaking her head at the way her husband behaved just like a little kid.

"It's not bedtime, daddy," Colton said, grabbing onto Adam's legs and smiling up at him. "The clock says it's playing time still."

"Well it's two minutes to bedtime."

Colton placed his hands on his hips and did an almost perfect impression of Lindsay's "what in the world are you talking about" face.

"What do you mean, daddy?"

"I mean it's practically bedtime."

"What's that mean?"

"It means that it might as well be bedtime."

"But what's _that_ mean?"

"Hey now listen here shorty," Adam started in his best cartoon character voice. "You gotta go to bed see, so you can grow big and strong and all those things, see? And besides, I wanna hang out with your mama and not have to share her, know what I mean?"

"Nope."

Adam sighed and looked over at Lindsay who just smirked and took Ben from him.

"All that negotiating and now it really is time for bed."

"Yeah see daddy, now the clock say eight zero zero."

"Oh well I guess you showed me."

"Yep, I did."

"You rugrat," Adam chuckled tossing Colton over his shoulder and heading into the boys room.

"I'm not a rugrat, I'm a Colton!"

"And a stinky, stinky one at that," he teased, dropping him on the bed and tickling him.

"Nu-uh daddy. I are not!"

"You are so."

They giggled and wrestled with each other for a few minutes while Lindsay sat in the rocking chair across the room, giving Ben his last feeding of the night. It made her into a huge pile of goo when she watched Adam with the boys, how gently he held them and how happy his eyes were. He was hands down the best daddy in the whole world.

"Time for a story, daddy. Can I have a big one?"

"I don't know. Maybe we should just pick one with our eyes closed."

"Um, can you read me _Stone Soup?_ I like that one."

Adam retrieved the book and laid down with Colton, cracking it open and reading over the familiar words. Lindsay watched them with a grin, loving the way their eyebrows went up at the same parts in the story and how they gave each other knowing grins as the story progressed. They were so much alike sometimes that it was almost ridiculous.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"We can make some stone soup tomorrow?"

"Maybe not stone soup but mama might let us into the kitchen if we ask really, really nicely."

"Can we mama? Please?

Lindsay smiled and tucked Ben into his crib.

"We'll see. But for now it's time for bed."

"What is you guys gonna do?" he asked as they both leaned down to kiss him.

"Read the financial pages."

"Study geometry.

"The usual."

Colton sighed at them as Lindsay tucked the blankets around him.

"Night little dude."

"Night."

"We love you and we'll see you in the morning."

"M'kay."

They shut off the light and left the room, both sighing from exhaustion. They'd both worked today, overlapping shifts that included a lot of tiny bits of trace and hours upon hours in layout. They both really wanted to just climb into bed and sleep, but they had promised each other time together no matter how tired they were. So to the couch they went. Feet went up on the coffee table and the TV turned on as her head came to rest against his chest and his arms tucked her closer.

"You know what?" he asked after a second, playing with her hair.

"Hmm?"

"When you're sittin' in the lab glarin' at the computer because you can't find a match on prints… that's pretty hot."

She giggled and shook her head.

"What? It is!"

"I appreciate that."

"I mean, there's lots of things you do that are hot, but sometimes I think it would be better if we didn't work at the same time."

"Oh really?"

"Like when you're looking in the microscope and you wrinkle your nose. Or how you pace with your hands in your back pockets."

"Seriously?"

"Yes."

"This is good information. What else?"

"I dunno specifically. You're just cute."

"You're not so bad yourself, you know."

"Yeah, I know."

She smirked and shook her head before leaning up to kiss him.

"Sweetie, can I suggest something to you?" he asked after a second, running his finger lazily over her face. She closed her eyes and nodded.

"Before you say no, just hear me out, okay?"

"Okay."

"I want you to think about maybe going to that high school reunion."

She sighed and sat up, raking her hand through her hair.

"Adam, it's a stupid reunion. And I hated high school. You know why."

"I know why. I do, and believe me honey, I'm the last person to say you should dredge up the past. But I think it would be good for you to go."

"Why?"

"Because you need to face those people again. I know you said that things settled down after a while, it went back to normal. But I think you need to prove to yourself that it's all in the past."

"But why?" she asked again, wondering why he was so determined about this.

"I can't give you much more of an answer than that. I just think you should."

"I'll think about it," she said finally. "But I can't guarantee anything."

"Thank you sweetie."

"So you don't know why you want me to do this?"

"Call it intuition."

"I'd have to see Brian, you know."

"I thought you dated him in college."

"I did, but we knew each other in high school too."

"Would it bug you to see him?"

"Not really. It's just… all of that is supposed to be over. And you're right maybe I do need to be in that environment again when I'm happy but it just doesn't appeal to me. High school reunion? I'm not Romy or Michelle."

"Don't you wanna show us off?"

"Well… yeah."

"Think about it. Don't give me an answer now. I just figure since we're flying out there anyway, why not kill two birds with one stone?"

"Okay, we'll see. But you have to promise me something."

"What?"

"If we do this, you are not allowed to mock me for anything I might have done in high school, including but not limited to the Macarena."

"I never make fun of you for the Macarena even when you do it now."

She snickered and buried her face in his chest.

"We were trying to see if we remembered it."

"Oh you remembered it. You girls even had some hip action going. You were having way too much fun to call it just trying to remember."

"Shut up."

"Austin really moves you past the point of embarrassment doesn't she?"

"That's why I keep her around."

He chuckled and gave her a little squeeze, completely lost for words. Even after all these years, he couldn't believe someone so beautiful, so wonderful, so perfect had picked him.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"I either need to go to bed or find something to eat so I can stay awake."

"You did toss and turn all night," he said, brushing her hair back. "Bad dreams?"

"Yeah, a few. It wasn't enough to wake you up for. I was okay."

"You're supposed to wake me up."

"I know. But they weren't even nightmares. More like the falling dream, you know? Like I was dropping one of the boys or you got hit by a car. And I woke up immediately, and I just thought that there was no use waking you up for something like that."

"I understand honey but… you know how fast this can get to you."

"I know. But it wasn't that. And I really am okay, I swear. I know that day is coming up and I know it's going to be hard but then I'll be alright. I promise, you'll know if I'm not."

"Okay. Now, what do you want to eat?"

"Ice-cream."

"You always want ice-cream," he chuckled, getting off the couch and walking into the kitchen.

"I require calcium."

"You require a lot of things my dear."

"And yet you keep coming back for more," she said, stretching and letting out a small yawn.

"The heart wants what the heart wants."

She chuckled as he came back and handed her a small cup of ice-cream. She glared.

"What in the world is this?"

"You never finish an entire bowl, so then you waste it and the next day complain that we're all out of ice-cream."

"You're head over heels in love with me."

He snorted and tweaked her nose.

"Yeah, I'm a sad case."

She grinned and they ate the ice-cream, setting their cups down on the coffee table and sighing.

"Hey sweetheart?"

"Yeah?"

He gave her a little grin and she moved into his arms while he laid back on the couch. Amid grunts and giggles they finally found a perfect position where she melted completely into him, closing her eyes and letting his warm hand tracing patterns over her back lull her into complete relaxation.

"Adam?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

He didn't need to hear specifics, for she said it every night. She was thanking him for the day, for being beside her when she woke up for giving her hand that little squeeze before they parted ways, for listening to her troubles and trusting her with his own. For being a daddy to the boys, for being a good example of what a man should be. For holding her every evening and always kissing her goodnight.

* * *

"Did you ever think we'd be soccer moms, Linds?" Austin asked, rubbing sunscreen on Sarah's nose while watching Isa out of the corner of her eye and giving Junior his bottle with her free hand.

"No. At least not this early. But I can say that I don't think it's going to last long for me. Dude has his father's athletic skills," Lindsay noted as Colton caught up to the soccer ball and tripped over it.

"Oooh, at least he falls with some… uh… charisma."

"He's been watching way too much TV if he can turn a face plant into a somersault."

"He could have a future as a stunt double."

"Don't you dare tell Adam, he'll encourage it."

Austin chuckled and wiped the excess sunscreen off in the grass then sighed as Sarah wiped her nose off.

"Don't come crying to me when you have a sunburn."

"Okay mommy."

Lindsay chuckled and readjusted Ben in her lap for the tenth time. Every time she let him go he went crawling off to find Colton and she had to get up and get him. It was getting old, but he screamed bloody murder if she strapped him into the stroller, so holding him is what she had to resort to. He grunted and stretched, arching his back to get away.

"Ben, I know you want to go and play with your brother but you're going to get beaned in the head. And I will always think you're cute, but I don't want a dent in your face."

"These kids have the accuracy of nothing," Austin chuckled. "They're just chasing a ball around."

"Well they are three. And it's not all of them that are uncoordinated. Just ours."

"Isa's not bad."

"She's supposed to be kicking the ball, not other kids."

"Yes, but Colton is sitting down playing in the grass."

"I have a feeling we're going to have musical children. Just a guess."

"They'll start a rock band and take care of us in our old age."

"Totally behind this idea."

"Me too," Sarah chirped, carefully inspecting a goldfish cracker before popping it into her mouth.

"You wanna play music, Sarahsponda? What do you think, lute? Susaphone? Lyre?"

Sarah giggled and shook her head.

"Silly Indy."

"Obscure instruments are for kids," Austin said, wiping Junior's face and setting him down in the grass. He grabbed a toy and banged it on the ground, hollering with excitement.

"Drums," they decided together.

"Oh great, what's going on over there," Austin sighed, tipping her glasses down and looking across the field where Colton and Isa seemed to be having some kind of issue. Ellie was crouched down in front of them and as she talked they both lowered their hands from their hips and nodded.

"It's scary how much she acts like Jo," Lindsay said, once the commotion seemed to be over.

"I think she just put them on separate teams."

"Brave woman."

Colton and Isa hugged each other then turned and joined their teams for another attempt at scrimmage.

"I'm sorry but we have the cutest kids of all time."

"Of all time!" Lindsay echoed with a laugh.

"They kinda suck at sports though."

"Yeah well."

They heard a throat clearing behind them and they turned around to see a very angry mother staring at them.

"Yes?"

"You shouldn't belittle your children like that," she sneered, casting long glances at them as if they were children themselves.

"They can't hear us," Lindsay replied with a quirk of her eyebrow.

"And they know they stink. Why do you think they're spinning around in circles at the end of the field?"

"Maybe because you never encouraged them."

"Oh really? You think our kids are just too stupid to know that they can't kick a ball?"

"Well maybe if their mothers were a little more supportive."

"Telling your kid to go out there and do something that you know they're going to fail at is a lot worse than telling them to have fun no matter how well they do," Lindsay said, rolling her eyes.

"And your kid is probably the one out there who is actually really good, but had a meltdown when he missed the goal and looked over at you like his whole world fell apart."

The woman was silent, glaring at both of them.

"I still think it's verbal abuse."

"Verbal abuse?" they chorused, amusement in their voices.

"It is!"

"Lady, you have no idea what verbal abuse is like. Not even close," Lindsay said, watching Austin out of the corner of her eye and knowing that this conversation could get a lot worse before it ended. "Besides, making your kid think that you only love him when he's the best on the team is far more damaging. He's three. He shouldn't have that complex yet. Give him a few more years before you totally screw him up."

"Excuse me?"

"Simmer down, lady," Austin nearly chuckled. "She's just talking. All she means to say is don't be such a hypocrite."

"A hypocrite?"

"If you really think we're such horrible mothers for accepting the fact that our preschoolers aren't good at soccer, then what kind of mother must you be for forcing your child to be the best at something that he doesn't even enjoy?"

The woman was quiet, glaring at them for a moment while formulating a reply.

"How will he ever succeed if he's not pushed a little?"

"Look lady, I don't know you and I can't judge you, but you don't know us and you can't judge us either. All I can do is look out there and see whose kids are having fun and whose aren't."

"It's not all about fun."

"It's is when they're barely out of diapers!"

"You just don't understand what it takes to be successful in the real world."

"Maybe we just measure success differently then," Lindsay shrugged, still not quite understanding what this woman's issue was. She seemed content to just pick at something, whether it made sense or not.

The woman ignored that and turned back to watch her son, shaking her head and looking as if she was completely irritated about the whole thing. Lindsay and Austin exchanged glances, surprised that she had started such an argument in public. They'd heard stories of mothers turning on each other and tearing each other down, but they had never spent time with anyone but each other, so it hadn't happened yet. To say they were irritated would have been an understatement.

The whistle blew and the kids were sent back to their parents all of them squealing with delight over the fun they had had. Colton and Isa ran for them, jumping up and down and grinning.

"Mama, we can play again later huh?" he asked, his shoelaces whipping his ankle. Lindsay chuckled and reached over to tie his shoe while he squatted down to hug Ben.

"Yeah, you can play again in a few days. Did you say thank you to Ellie?"

"Yu-huh. We gotsta call her Coach Ellie when we's playin' soccer."

"Oh, I see. Isa did you have fun?"

"Yup. I kicked the ball," she said, pushing her hair behind her ear. "But I not like runnin'."

"Not a fan huh?"

"I don't know," Isa shrugged, grinning and wrapping her arms around Austin's neck. "You see me mommy?"

"Yeah, I saw you. Want to play again?"

"Yep. You play too later, okay?"

"Maybe sometime when no one's looking."

"Okay!"

"What do you think kids, should we get out of here?"

"We could go see daddy?" Colton asked excitedly, showing Lindsay his crossed fingers.

"I don't think so bud, daddy's working."

"But… please?"

Adam had been working a lot during the day, sometimes not making it home until after the boys were asleep, then leaving again before they woke up. Even Ben seemed a little fussier without him.

"I see my daddy too," Isa requested inspecting the handful of clovers Sarah had picked.

Lindsay and Austin looked at each other and sighed.

"Maybe we should call and see if they don't mind an invasion."

"I'm sure they won't."

"We'd better call just in case."

Austin picked up her phone and called Danny while they packed up the toys and the kids and headed to the car.

"He said they're pretty slow today so we can drop in for a bit," she reported, securing Junior in his carseat and making sure the girls were buckled while Lindsay wrestled the stroller into the back. "How come it's always slow when the boys are working?"

"Because nothing in life is fair," Lindsay answered, shutting the back of the car.

"Like why you're drivin' a mini-van and takin' a bunch of kids to soccer?"

"Adam wouldn't let me get an SUV!"

Austin just laughed as Lindsay started the car and The Decemberists came out of the speakers. She started to back the car out then stopped short, cursing under her breath.

"Sorry kids," she apologized glaring out the back window at the Hybrid SUV that had cut her off. "Geez, what is that woman's problem?"

"Pretentious Patty?"

"I can't believe people. And now she's just sitting there, toying with me. Geez this is like in kindergarten when you're giving the pretty girl pig eyes over who gets the last pink crayon."

"You've gone head to head with mean girls since you were little haven't you?"

"I was a runt but I was a scrappy fighter so the boys left me alone. The girls kinda hated that."

"Sometimes I think we never would have been friends when we were younger, but then other times I think we so would have been."

"We would have taken the playground by storm."

* * *

"Hey little Beckhams," Hawkes greeted, giving the kids high fives. "Did you have fun?"

"Yep!" they said, grinning. Isa pointed at the grass stain on her knee, obviously very proud of it.

"Looks like you played hard little girl."

"Yeah," she shrugged like it was nothing. "See my kicks?"

He chuckled and admired her new shoes.

"Pretty spiffy."

"See mine Doc?" Colton asked, pointing at his Nikes. "Daddy picked 'em."

"He did a good job."

"Yup."

"Hey offspring," Adam greeted, coming around the corner.

"Daddy!"

Colton dashed down the hall and jumped into Adam's arms, nearly giddy. He started chattering a million miles an hour so excited to talk about his day that he could hardly handle it. Adam listened to him as if he was telling the most important story in the world, storing the information for later.

"I guess I'm going to have to take you next time."

"Yeah, yeah!"

"Unca Dum," Isa said, tugging on his t-shirt. "Me too?"

"Yeah, you too Princess."

She gave him a grin and then giggled as she spotted her own daddy. She and Sarah got to him at the same time, squealing when he picked them both up.

"I did soccer daddy."

"Was it fun?"

"Yep."

"I do this," Sarah said softly, showing him her handful of half wilted clovers.

"Those are pretty baby. You know how many you got?"

"One, two three, one two three, one two!" she said, slowly counting the flowers to the highest number she could remember.

"You two got some sun," Adam commented, wrapping one arm around Lindsay's shoulders and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

"Yeah, it's cheaper than fake and bake."

"You've never faked and baked."

They looked at each other and snickered, keeping the pact to never tell about that one boring Saturday before either of them had baby weight they didn't want anyone to see.

"I'm going to ignore that."

"Hey, we got into an argument with a soccer mom," Lindsay said with a grin.

"We totally bonded and shut her up."

"I'm very proud," Adam chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"You girls gonna make us some dinner?" Danny asked as Isa pushed his glasses up farther on his nose.

"I can dial for Chinese," Lindsay shrugged.

"Awesome. Order enough for Flack and Jess too."

"Tuesday night party huh?"

"We figure why not."

"We go have a party?" Colton asked, his eyes shining. "Now?"

"Yeah, we should go home now."

They said their goodbyes and Colton took Sarah and Isa's hands, the three of them skipping to the elevator.

"Wait girls," he said as they reached the end of the hallway. "We gotta look that way and that way before we go so we don't get runned over."

The three of them slowly looked one way then the other before running across the hall giggling.

"You remember when they were babies?" Austin asked, a hint of nostalgia in her voice.

"Yeah. They're little kids now. It makes me sad."

"At least they don't hate us yet."

"True, very true," she agreed, kissing Ben's round cheek and intentionally logging this moment into her memory banks. Life went too fast for her liking sometimes but she was glad she could hold onto these little moments no matter how old her babies got.


	118. Chapter 118

"But where's all the buildings mama?" Colton asked for the tenth time, staring out the train window, his hands pressed against the glass.

"You are such a city boy," Lindsay replied with a chuckle.

"I got 'spenders," he said, snapping his suspenders against his chest. "Like papa."

He'd picked out his entire outfit early that morning, proclaiming that if they were going to "Totana" he was going to look like his grandpa. They hadn't fought it as it was four a.m. and they were just trying to get out the door to catch their plane. It had been a long flight with two stops before they'd arrived in Idaho and caught a train to Bozeman. The boys had both been pretty good, Colton happy with his books and crayons while Ben slept most of the time, snuggled up against Adam's chest.

"Mama, 'member you say papa and granna gots horses?"

"Yeah, I did say that."

"I play with them, okay?"

"We'll have to wait and see. Maybe papa will take you out for a ride."

He nodded and climbed into her lap, sighing and playing with the clasp on her watch.

"Mama, was you a little girl once upon a time?"

She chuckled at that, running her fingers through his curls.

"Yeah once upon a time."

"Was you as little as me?"

"Yeah."

"Little like… Sarah?"

"Yep."

"Little like Ben?" he asked, his eyes dancing with amusement.

"Yep, a long time ago. Maybe granna will show you some pictures."

"Daddy was little too?"

"Yeah, daddy was a little boy just like you."

"You and daddy was friends like me and Isa?"

"No because I lived here and daddy lived in Arizona."

"'Zona's far away right?"

"Yeah, it is."

He sat quietly for a moment, mulling that over.

"But who was your favorite friend?"

"I had a lot of friends."

"But who was your favorite?" he asked again, stressing the word and finding it difficult to believe that she hadn't had her own Isa.

"I didn't have a favorite friend until I met daddy."

"Oh mama, that's sad."

She chuckled again and shook her head, wishing she could understand how his mind worked sometimes.

"Hey, when you was little you play outside?"

"Yeah, I played outside a lot."

"What did you do mama?"

"We climbed trees and dug in the dirt and jumped in piles of hay and went swimmin' in the pond and played in the woods."

"What's the pond?"

"It's like a lake. But it's smaller and dirtier and has all sorts of creepy crawlies in it."

"Why'd you go swimming in that mama? You crazy?"

"Certifiable," Adam mumbled, waking up from the snooze he'd been taking.

"You show me this pond, okay mama?"

"Okay, I'll show you," she agreed, looking forward to showing him all over the ranch, now that he was old enough to appreciate it. She wanted to take him horseback riding and show him how to gather eggs from the chickens and milk a cow. She was actually looking more forward to seeing Adam try to milk a cow and could almost see his disgusted face in the early morning light.

"Are we almost there?" Adam asked, rubbing his eyes and being careful not to disturb Ben.

"Yeah. Are you feeling alright babe?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You don't normally just fall asleep places."

"I got two hours of sleep last night," he explained, raising one eyebrow at her. Her face colored and she giggled.

"Well so did I. And don't talk so loud, people can hear you."

He smiled and played with the ends of her hair for a moment before sitting up.

"Hey mama?"

"What dude?"

"We could bring Isa next time?"

"Buddy, I don't know if Austin and Danny would let us take Isa to Montana with us. They'd be afraid she'd start talkin' like mama," Adam said, shooting Lindsay a smirk.

"But we could ask, right?"

"Yeah, maybe sometime."

He was satisfied with that answer and crawled off of Lindsay's lap to go look out the window again. He rocked back and forth in his boots lost in his own world for a while before suddenly jumping up and down.

"Mama, look at them donkeys!"

"I see them."

"There's so many," he said, even though there were only five. "They like tiny horses."

"Yeah, kind of."

He smiled at them and then his face dropped as he took in their sleepy expressions.

"Uh-oh."

"What's the matter?"

"You gonna make me take a nap huh?"

"We'll see."

"I do not want a nap," he said, turning back to the window and leaning his elbows against the sill. "I'm not tired."

"Would you rather go to bed a little early?"

"We'll see."

Adam snorted a laugh and Lindsay sighed, wishing she could take a nap herself. Adam had talked her into going to the high school reunion and she had forced herself to look forward to it. Now she just wanted to conveniently forget the whole thing. She wasn't connected to these people. They didn't keep in touch after high school, why should she try and make small talk with them now? Adam had promised her that they only had to go to the picnic on Saturday and if she didn't have fun they would skip the rest. It seemed like a good compromise at the time, and she knew he wanted her to face a bad part of her life and put it behind her, but she just wasn't interested.

His hand slid into hers and she gave him a smile, knowing that he sensed her discomfort and wanted to give her some reassurance. It was a nice gesture, but she was going to get back at him for this. Oh yes, he'd pay.

* * *

The truck bumped along the gravel road and Ben whimpered from his carseat, not used to being so uncomfortable. He was just scrunching up his face to cry when Colton leaned over and patted his hand.

"It okay, Ben. We almost there. Right papa, we almost there?"

"We are there," Dale said, parking the truck in front of the house. "Ready to get out?"

"Yep, I gonna play outside like when mama was a tiny girl!"

Adam chuckled and unbuckled him from his carseat, setting him down on the dusty ground.

"Why don't you go inside first and see if you can find granna?"

"Okay," he agreed happily, trotting off towards the house.

Lindsay got Ben out of the truck, running her hand over his face to calm him down.

"He gonna spend he rest of the day cranky?" Dale asked, getting their luggage out of the bed of the truck.

"Nah, he's just hungry. Nothing some strained carrots won't fix. And daddy, don't you dare carry those suitcases. I'll do that. You take the kid."

They made the exchange and were soon headed inside where they met Anne and Colton- who already had a cookie in his hand.

"Mama, granna say she gots pictures of you when you was a little girl! I get to see them later!"

"Oh, okay."

"You two look tired," Anne commented, giving them each a hug.

"They only sleep two hours last night," Colton reported, taking a bite of his cookie. Lindsay and Adam looked at each other and blushed, while her parents put two and two together and began to snicker.

"Why that funny?"

"It's… it's not that funny bud," Adam said. "Just eat your cookie."

"Okay."

The moment passed and they all went into the kitchen where Anne had prepared a late lunch. Lindsay half ate and half fed Ben, while Adam just tried to keep Colton seated long enough to take bite of his sandwich without choking. It wasn't too long before the desire for sleep won over the desire for food and they were excusing themselves from the table to go lay down. Colton fought it at first, but once they told him he could sleep in between them, he was glad to go and lay down. Lindsay apologized to her parents for their unsociability, then escaped upstairs to the spare room. Adam had just finished setting up Ben's travel bed and was wrestling Colton out of his boots.

"But daddy, I a cowboy!"

"Well even cowboys don't sleep with their boots on."

"Mama?"

"Daddy's right. Cowboys sleep with their boots right next to the bed."

"Oh, okay," he sighed, relinquishing the boots and making sure Adam set them right by the bed. "I guess I can take a nap now."

"I sure hope so," Lindsay said, yawning and crawling under the covers.

"Hey," Colton whispered after a moment.

"Yeah?"

"When is this nap over?"

"Sometime after you fall asleep."

"Alright."

He settled in with a sigh and they were all asleep in just a few moments.

* * *

"That was my mama when she was a baby?" Colton exclaimed with a giggle, looking down at the picture. "She so little."

"Yeah she was. She came a little early just like you did," Anne explained, smiling at the picture of her youngest child.

"Look, hers wearing a dress! She don't wear no dress now."

"No I certainly don't," Lindsay chuckled as she watched Ben crawl over to the couch and pull himself into a standing position. He was steady for a moment before he had to sit down again. He grinned at her and crawled into her arms, nuzzling himself into her neck.

"Why baby mama crying, granna?"

"Oh who knows? Your mama was quite the drama queen and cried whenever she didn't get her way."

"That what Isa do sometimes. Danny always tell her to shape up."

"It must be a girl thing. You know what your mama did one time when she didn't get her way?"

"What, what?"

"Mom, don't tell him," Lindsay moaned, shaking her head. "I'll never live it down."

"Your mama got so mad that no one would play with her that she stood right in the middle of the kitchen and screamed and made herself wet her pants."

"Mama!" Colton laughed, clapping his hands. "You was a bad tiny girl!"

"Yes, I know."

"Did she get in trouble, granna?"

"Oh yeah, big time."

"How old was she?"

"Oh, she must have been about two. She never did that again, that's for sure."

"Oh my goodness," he sighed, using the phrase he had picked up from Jo, complete with genteel southern accent. "Tell me more about tiny mama."

"Well your mama had a naughty streak a mile long and an acre wide. She pretended to be as sweet as pie, but the minute someone's back was turned she was stealing candy or making a mess or fighting with her brothers. And she always acted like she didn't do it. She would stand with her hands behind her back and bat her eyelashes and say "Who me? But I'm Lindsay and I'm just a little girl!" And she could worm her way out of any punishment papa gave her. And her brothers, well they picked on her a lot but they also spoiled her rotten. They would take the blame for things she did just because they didn't like to see her cry."

Colton giggled and looked over at Lindsay.

"You was a funny girl mama."

"Yeah, I guess so."

"What else, granna?"

"Your mama loved riding horses and playing hopscotch and cooking with me in the kitchen. And she's was very smart and studied hard so she could do well in school."

"Who is in this picture with mama?"

"That's your uncles. Jake, Riley and Eli."

"But I already gots my unca Danny and unca Tim. I gots more uncas?"

"Yeah, you do. And aunts and cousins also."

"They live in Totana?"

"Yeah, they all live here. You'll see them tomorrow night when they come over for dinner."

"Okay. What is mama wearin'?" he asked, pointing to a Halloween picture.

"She was dressed up as a jellyfish to go trick or treating."

"Oh. Mama, you look silly."

"That's because I am silly. But I happen to know that your daddy once dressed up as a Q-tip."

"What's that?"

"An ear cleaner."

"Why did daddy do that?"

"Because he's sillier than me."

"Granna, mama and daddy is nutso."

"I think you're right."

He smiled and turned the page in the picture album.

"Mama, you gots chubby cheeks like Ben!"

"I was a well fed child," Lindsay agreed, sitting down next to him. "And apparently had picked out my own clothes that morning. Yeesh."

"And I think your dad did your hair."

Lindsay giggled as they continued to look through the pictures, many of them that she hadn't seen in years or at all. Colton was beside himself with excitement, loving finding out about what she was like as a kid. He hung on to every word of his grandmother's stories and Lindsay was worried about what he was going to do with the information later. She could just see him relating the stories to Isa and the two of them deciding to recreate some of her "finer" moments.

"What's going on in here?" Adam asked, sitting down on Lindsay's other side and kissing her cheek.

"We lookin' at pictures of mama. See, she was cute, huh daddy?"

"Yeah, she sure was."

"How'd you guys fare outside?" Lindsay asked. Adam and Dale had headed outside to batten down the hatches for the windstorm that was supposed to arrive in a few hours.

"He's a harder worker than you ever were, dilly-dally," Dale reported, ruffling her hair.

"That's not sayin' much, daddy."

"Thanks a lot," Adam grimaced, pinching her knee before taking Ben from her. "Dude, you look a little jet-laggy. Are you going to sleep tonight?"

"Now that you've said that he probably won't."

"We'll take shifts."

"Daddy, granna say mama pee the floor when she was little."

"Temper tantrum?"

"Well I wasn't doin' it just for fun."

He chuckled and shook his head as the front door opened.

"Tater! Mama, look it's Tater!" Colton shouted, wiggling off the couch and running across the room to jump into her arms.

"Hey dude. I missed you."

"Miss you too. Where you been?"

"I was at work."

"Why?"

"Because I need to make money."

"That's why mommy say that too," he sighed, crossing his arms. "You can play with me?"

"Yeah, let me go change my clothes real quick, okay?"

"Also you need to see Ben, okay?"

"Okay."

She let him go and went up the stairs while he stood on the bottom step, patiently waiting for her.

"Bud, she's gonna be a few minutes. Why don't you come back over here?"

"Is she okay?" Lindsay asked her mom softly, looking up the stairs where Taylor had gone.

"She's been working a lot."

"Mom."

"You should spend some time with her while you're here."

"You're using that voice you used to use when you talked about me."

"She's had a hard life, sweetheart. It's catching up to her and she's letting it."

"What's she doing?"

"I don't know for sure. She's throwing herself into work and school, and we hardly ever see her anymore. Maybe it's nothing, but I've seen the look in her eyes."

"I'll talk to her. If she'll even listen to me."

"Why wouldn't she?"

"Last time she was in town we got into a fight. We made up but it hasn't been the same since."

"Lindsay that was a year and a half ago."

"I know it was. I was having such a hard time then and I wasn't even really aware of it. I fought with Austin about that time too. But Taylor and I… it's harder because she's not there. I can't read her that well over the phone and we didn't talk as often as we should have and I think I really messed up in that department."

"Maybe so, but Lindsay this might have nothing to do with you."

"Maybe you're right."

"Of course I am. I am all knowing."

"Right mom."

* * *

"Oh my word, Benjamin, go to sleep," Lindsay groaned, sighing into the darkness and pushing her hair back from her face. It was four a.m. again and Ben had yet to sleep more than twenty minutes at a time. She shouldn't have been surprised as he had slept all day long, but that didn't mean she wasn't annoyed.

"He's up again?" Adam asked, rubbing his eyes while Lindsay buried her face in his chest. "This is getting ridiculous."

"I'm so tired," she groaned, rolling away from the noise and wanting to ignore it for at least five minutes.

"I know."

"Gotta get up. Tame the savage beast."

He chuckled and pulled her in for a lazy kiss before she threw the blankets off and stood from the bed.

"Why must you torture me in this way?" she asked, taking Ben from his bed and holding him gently. He sniffled and leaned against her, whimpering until she found his pacifier and offered it to him. He took it and sighed, curling against her chest and making himself comfortable.

"I'm going to take him outside."

"Why?"

"Fresh air might help."

"Mmkay," Adam mumbled, already drifting back to sleep himself.

"Let's go, dude."

She slipped from the room and crossed the hallway, pulling an old quilt out of the closet and wrapping it around them before making her way outside. She settled down sideways on the porch swing and pulled her knees halfway to her chest, letting Ben lay back against them. He smiled around his pacifier and stared into her eyes while she brushed his hair back off his forehead.

"Did you just miss me, is that what this is? Stealing me away from a nice warm bed just to have me all to yourself? You're just like your daddy."

He burbled back at her and she held his hand, leaning down to kiss his cheek.

"Can you say mama? Mama."

He didn't make one sound just grinned at her again.

"My tough cookie. Your brother was saying mama by the time he was your age. Saying it non-stop in fact. But you… you're my strong silent one aren't you? What are you going to be like when you grow up, Benjamin? Are you gonna be a trouble maker? Or are you gonna be the good kid?"

He blinked slowly, tilting his head to look at her. She smiled and ran her hand over his cheek, yawning and leaning against the back of the swing.

"I love you, Ben. Do you know how much? I don't think you will until you have your own kids, but I know you know that I love you. I know because of that smile you get on your face whenever you see me. It's the same smile daddy gets. Yeah that one," she chuckled, leaning in close to kiss the end of his nose. He waved his arm at her and grabbed onto her hair, grinning when it kept her from moving away.

"Being your mama is the best job I've ever had. And you and Colton are the most perfect things in my life. No matter how bad anything gets, I still have you. And you'll always have me, no matter what. Okay?"

He hiccupped and reached out for her and she pulled him against her chest nuzzling the top of his head while his tiny hand rested on her collarbone. She knew no feeling quite as sweet as her babies curled up against her, their hearts beating against her own.

She rocked the swing gently with her socked foot and hummed a little as the birds started to chirp in the trees, a sign that the sun was about to peek over the mountains. She yawned and closed her eyes hoping to catch just a little sleep before the day started.

It was only a little while before Adam opened the front door and found them both asleep. He hadn't got much more sleep after she'd gotten up, and rather than lay upstairs and toss and turn, he figured he would come and find them.

The morning sun glinted off them both, a warm, rich color that nearly hugged them as they slept. He reached down and brushed Lindsay's hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear and smiling at the sleepy sigh she gave him. Ben was content where he was in his mama's arms, his cheeks drooped and rosy in sleep. As much as he would have liked to stand there and stare at them like this all day, he knew Lindsay couldn't be comfortable. He slid one arm behind her back and one under her knees, then carried them inside and up the stairs, settling them into the messy bed before opening the window. The cows were lowing outside and the sprinklers in the fields had started to come on already. A slight breeze nearly brought in the yellow sun and the blue sky and for a moment he fully understood why this place was so indelibly in Lindsay's heart.

He leaned down and kissed her and Ben, then slipped out of the room and let them both get just a little more sleep.


	119. Chapter 119

The wooden stairs creaked under her feet as she climbed them slowly, her hand sliding across the wall just as it had done thousands of times in her life. She reached the door at the top and turned the knob, peeking her head around it. Taylor was sitting on the bed, headphones on and several textbooks littering the quilt. She was writing furiously, her pencil in one hand and a highlighter in the other, chewing on her lip.

"Taylor?"

She started at the sound, then settled back, pulling her headphones off and taking a deep breath.

"You scared me."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to. I was going to ask if you were busy, but that seems like a dumb question."

"Yeah, I'm a little busy."

"Can I have five minutes?"

Taylor sighed and nodded, moving the books off her lap while Lindsay sat down on the side of the bed.

"Anything going on you want to tell me about?"

"No, not really."

"Anything going on that you don't want to tell me about but that I should probably know?"

"Nope."

"So the reason for your sullen withdrawnness is that you want to be just like Kristen Stewart?"

"I'm just really busy, Linds."

"Okay. Well if you ever feel like you want to talk… you know, like we used to, you know where to find me."

She stood up and headed for the door, disappointed that the talk wasn't going to go exactly the way she had planned. She had had a fleeting thought that this might happen, but had dismissed it. Surely Taylor would spill the beans. Surely she would come clean about whatever was happening in her world. That's what always happened right?

She was halfway out the door when a small timid voice stopped her in her tracks.

"My mom died."

Lindsay shook her head, certain she had heard the wrong thing.

"What?"

"She died. Three months ago. She was in North Dakota. They told me it was a drug overdose. They called and wanted me to identify the body and make funeral arrangements. But I didn't. I never called them back, I just forgot it happened. And now… it's too late. She's just a Jane Doe now. I don't even know where they buried her or what happened."

Lindsay sank back down on the bed not knowing what to say or do or even what to think.

"I'm okay I think. I've dealt with her death. But I'm mad at myself. I couldn't forgive her long enough to even give her a name. And that… Linds, that means I'm selfish like her."

"No it doesn't."

"It feels like it does. I don't know maybe I didn't deal with it. Maybe I miss her or something. I just… I haven't been okay since then. I'm just so mad. Nothing is fair. I just want to change it. And I can't and that frustrates me because for once I had the opportunity to make peace with her. And I didn't take it. All my life, all I've wanted was that. To put it behind me, to look at her and not see what she did wrong. And I threw that away. I can't get it back either. I don't know what to do. And then I get mad at her again because she was selfish and stupid and she did this to herself and I'm stuck dealing with it now. I'm the strong one, I'm the adult once again and it sucks."

She grabbed her book again, cracking it open a little more violently than was needed and picked up where she had left off, her brow furrowing in concentration.

"Taylor, stop."

"I have to get this done, Linds."

"You will, but that's not important right this second."

"It is to me."

"Be that as it may, I think you're avoiding things."

"I'll deal with it later, after things slow down. I have to finish this term and then I'll think about it."

"Sweetheart, you can't do that. People aren't wired that way. You can't just turn off a feeling because it's not convenient."

"So what, you want me to sit here like a blubbering fool and cry about it until I can't cry anymore, and then it's supposed to be better?"

"I never said that. Get mad when you're mad. Cry when you're sad. Do whatever you need to do. But don't close yourself off to the world."

"It's safer that way."

"I know exactly what you mean by that, but honey sometimes things are too big for you to hold alone. Especially when you don't have to."

"You've been telling me that for years. Why do I still do this?"

"Because you're stubborn. You don't want to be a burden, you don't want to be weak and you don't want pity. And you're scared. You don't think anyone will understand and it will all be a waste."

"I don't know what to do, Linds. I don't know how I'm even supposed to feel. I'm just… I'm tired of being the grown up. I don't want to do it anymore."

"There are things you can let go of."

"Like what?"

"School. You don't have to go full time. You don't have to work full time either. You need to have space to breathe, and running from class to work then home to study isn't making this any easier. Yes, maybe it helps you to forget, but it doesn't make it better."

"Because I end up keeping it all in and then I don't say anything about anything because I'm afraid a little bit might leak out."

"Yes."

"I learned that from you."

"I know. And I'm sorry, I never meant to teach you that."

They were quiet for a while, Lindsay leaning back against the footboard and racking her brain for something to say.

"I don't miss her," Taylor started, looking out the window. "I thought that after a while I might. You know that saying about no one being a saint until their funeral. I thought it would be like that. I would remember all the good parts. But then I realized there were none. I can't remember a time when she wasn't drunk or high or in jail. She always picked that over me. She'd get out of jail and be shooting up less than an hour later. I can't remember one time in my whole life when she wasn't like that. Even when I was really little, I knew something was wrong with her. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know it had to do with all the people that always seemed to be filtering in and out of our apartment. I didn't know it was why she slept all day long. But I knew something was off. I knew it was wrong. And maybe it made me stronger, but I don't think it was worth it. And I didn't get any say in it either. I didn't get to say it wasn't fair or that I wanted something different. I just had to live in it. So I can't even mourn because I really don't feel it. And I feel guilty for not feeling it, then mad that she still has that power and then I go back to not feeling anything."

"You know there's nothing wrong with that, right? There's no guideline of how you're supposed to feel."

"I know. But wouldn't people look at me and think I was heartless because I haven't cried?"

"Anyone who thinks that has never had to go through what you went through. And it doesn't matter what other people think either. You're gonna feel how you feel and that's all there is to it."

"I'm not psycho?"

"You are definitely not psycho."

"Good."

"I love you and I'm always here for you. And whatever you're afraid of, it's not going to happen with me. I promise. I know I messed up, but that had nothing to do with you. It won't happen again."

"Okay."

The door opened again and Tessa peeked inside.

"Gramma says dinner's ready and you two should hurry up before it gets cold."

"Okay, we're coming," Lindsay said before Tessa scampered off from whence she came.

"Can we talk more later? I miss you."

"We can talk as much as you want."

"I think I can put off the homework for a while."

"It's a date."

* * *

Colton looked around the room and sighed, sticking his finger in his mouth and chewing on the end of it. He was nervous around all these new people and it made him have an upset feeling in his stomach. He really wanted to just go home now, even if he had been having a great time playing outside. He would rather be in his own house with his own family. Of course, mama and daddy said that these people were his family; his aunts and uncles and cousins. But he didn't know them and he didn't like being around people he didn't know, especially grown ups.

"Daddy?" he asked, tugging on Adam's sleeve and staring up at him.

"What's up dude?"

He didn't know what to say, and he furrowed his brow for a second.

"My tummy hurts."

Adam was suddenly on high alert, picking him up and checking his forehead.

"Does it hurt like you want to be sick?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want to go and get some fresh air with me?"

"Just you an' me?"

"Yeah, just us."

"Okay."

They slipped out the back door and into the yard, where Adam laid down in the grass and looked up at the sky. Colton followed suit and sighed, pulling his arms under his head.

"It too loud in the house," he said after a minute.

"Yeah, mama's family gets that way."

"We can go home now?"

"Nah, we're staying for a few more days. I thought you were having fun."

"Yeah, with papa."

"But now you're not having fun?"

"I want my home. We have family dinner."

"But this is a family dinner."

"No daddy. With Austin and Danny and Isa Sarah Junior."

"You like that family better?"

"Yes."

"That's okay. I know mama's family can be kind of overwhelming, but you'll like it more when you get bigger."

"What's 'whelmin' daddy?"

"Overwhelming. It's like… remember last week when you turned my stereo up and when it came on it was so loud you ran and hid under your bed?"

"Yeah."

"That's kind of like overwhelming."

"That how my tummy hurt?"

"Probably."

"Oh."

"It happens to me sometimes too."

"Really? But you is a big man, daddy."

"I know. But sometimes I get overwhelmed or nervous. And I talk too fast. Or sometimes my tummy gets upset. You know when I married your mama I got really nervous."

"How come?"

"I don't know."

"Did your tummy hurt and you want to be sick?"

"Kind of. But then mama held my hand and I was okay."

"When else it happen, daddy?"

"The very first day I worked at the lab. Actually, probably the whole first year I worked at the lab. Sometimes you just have to face your fears and do what you gotta do."

"That's what mama say 'bout broccoli."

"Ew, broccoli!"

Colton giggled and climbed up to sit on Adam's stomach.

"My tummy's better. Let's wrestle."

"Wrestle? Are you sure you wanna take me on?"

"I will win you, daddy."

Adam laughed and tickled his son, sending him into fits of giggles. They rolled around on the ground for a long time playfully pinching and pushing each other until Adam gave up and laid down again, catching his breath while Colton climbed up onto his chest and settled down.

"I love you daddy."

"I love you too buddy."

"You be my daddy forever?"

"Yep. Forever."

"And I be your buddy?"

"Always."

"I down with that."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Danny say it all the time."

"We've got to get you some friends your own age."

"Okay."

"What are you two doin' out here?" Lindsay asked stepping out onto the porch.

"Just chillin'."

"Yeah mama, just chillin'."

She chuckled and joined them on the ground, breathing deeply while Colton reached over to play with her hair.

"Hey mama?"

"Yeah?"

"You get a hurt tummy when you 'whelmed?"

"When I'm what?"

"Overwhelmed," Adam clarified. "It's a little too loud and crowded in the house for us."

"Oh, I see. I don't really get an upset tummy when I'm overwhelmed. I either laugh or cry."

"It make you sad?"

"No, sometimes it just makes me stressed out and frustrated."

"Oh. Then why you laugh?"

"Because sometimes that's all you can do."

"Oh, okay. Mama, does granna gots dessert in there?"

"Yeah, there's been talk of pie."

"What kind?"

"Knowing your grandma, probably a couple different ones."

"We can go have some?"

"Yeah we can."

He sat up happily and tugged on their hands.

"I could try them all?"

"You can pick one kind to have and then it's going to be time for bed."

He nodded and pulled them towards the house, his previous nervousness overshadowed by the prospect of pie.

"Mama, I could call Isa to say night-night?"

Lindsay looked at her watch and sighed, figuring Isa the night-owl was still up anyway.

"Yeah, go ahead and get a piece of pie and we'll call her."

He clapped his hands in delight and followed Adam into the kitchen. Lindsay pulled her phone out of her pocket and sat down on the porch steps, leaning back against the railing and hitting the speed dial 2.

"Hey redneck. What's up?"

"I'm not a redneck Austin."

"Eh, close enough. So what's up? The reunion wasn't today was it?"

"No, it's tomorrow. I am pretty sure you're going to get a phone call after that though."

"I guessed."

"Isa still up? Colton wanted to say goodnight to her."

"Well if that isn't the cutest thing in the world. Yeah, she's sitting here waiting for her toes to dry."

"You painted her toenails?"

"Yes. And before you start making fun of me for being girly, I painted them dark purple."

"All is right with the world once again. Unless you painted yours too."

"She wanted us to match."

"I can't wait to have a girl."

"You can share mine until then."

"Sounds good. Okay, Colton's giving me the puppy dog face."

"Alright. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too."

She handed the phone off and Colton took it happily.

"Hi Isa, it's me. What doin'? … I just eating some pie… Yeah, it tastes really good. My granna maked it… I rided a horsey today with mama. We even runned, Isa. We go so fast. Next time you can come okay? … No, not a unicorn horse, just a horse. He's brown and he called Calypso and his mama is called Calliope and his gramma is called Cleopatra and she was my mama's horse… No, Ben stay here with granna… Okay, I can talk later. I love you. See you next time."

He hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his head on Lindsay's shoulder.

"We can ride horses 'gain tomorrow?"

"We're pretty busy tomorrow, but I promise we'll ride again before we have to go home."

He nodded and finished off his small piece of pie, the fork clattering into the bowl.

"I ready for bedtime now. Daddy tuck me in."

"Okay. I'll see you in the morning."

She kissed him and watched him follow Adam into the house before tipping her head back to look at the sky. She wasn't looking forward to tomorrow, but it was just one day, and she knew that she needed it. In twenty four hours it would all be over. Everything from that time would finally be at peace.


	120. Chapter 120

"Tell me again why I am doing something so stupid like going to my high school reunion," Lindsay grumbled, sliding into a pair of jeans and making a face at herself in the mirror.

"Because I told you to," Adam replied with a chuckled. "Linds, if you really, really don't want to go, we won't go."

She sighed and turned to look at him.

"I want to go. There's no reason for me to be feeling like this. All that stuff is over now. I just… would rather avoid it all."

"Why?"

"That's the thing. I don't know."

He made sure Ben was safe in the middle of the bed, then stood up and crossed the room, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head.

"I know you said things got better, they stopped talking behind your back and all of that. But I know how much it hurt you that these people you grew up with could be like that. I think you need to go there and see them now and let it all go. It's been a long time and maybe it still hurts you a bit. I promise you, if it turns out to be a bad idea, we're outta there. You just give me the sign and I'll fake a highly contagious illness, okay?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He tucked her hair behind her ear and let her go, picking her shirt up off the end of the bed and tossing it to her.

"You might need a little something extra under that. You know, if you don't want all the guys trying to steal you away from me."

She chuckled and slid into a tank top before putting the shirt on.

"Happy?"

"Mixed emotions here."

She smiled and he grabbed her beltloops, pulling her closer to him and kissing her before her mind had even caught up.

"You're beautiful."

"Thank you."

"And you're mine."

"Yes, let's not forget that part."

Their eyes met and she knew exactly what he was thinking, and kicked herself for not remembering or thinking about it earlier.

"Maybe he won't even be there."

"Maybe."

"And if he is, I'll avoid him. I have no desire to talk to him anyway."

"None?"

"None at all. You'll take one look at him and wonder what in the world I was thinking."

"Sure."

"You will. He's not even attractive. Besides, the dude works in a gas station now. I'm for serious, babe."

"A gas station?"

"He sells bad hotdogs and beer and live worms for bait. And the sad part is, I think that's his potential."

"Then why did you date him?"

"We've been over this part. I was young and stupid."

He nodded and she tipped his head up to look at him.

"But then I got old and smart and I picked you and I have never regretted that for one second."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

He nodded and she kissed his forehead, realizing once again that this would always be an uncomfortable subject with them. No matter how much they said it was all behind them and how much they both wanted to forget those old relationships, the fact of the matter is that they were real and they had happened and there was nothing they could do about it now.

"Hey, where's Colton?"

"He went out to play in the yard. I asked him to please not get dirty and he said "Oh daddy," and rolled his eyes."

"He's so much like me it's ridiculous."

"I know. Are we ready to get out of here?"

"Yeah, I think so," she said, scooping Ben off the bed and kissing his cheek.

They gathered their things and went outside, finding Colton by the barn, chasing the sheep.

"What are you doing?" Lindsay asked, opening the gate and stepping inside the pen.

"I's jus' chasin' 'em," he half drawled, wiping his forehead with his sleeve. "I's gonna ride 'em."

"You were going to ride a sheep?"

"Yup."

"Why?" she asked, taking his hand and leading him out of the pen.

"Cuz."

"Oh okay. Now what about what daddy said about not getting dirty?"

"I forgot that part, mama."

She sighed and brushed him off the best she could, then figured it didn't make much difference anyway.

* * *

"Geez Karen you know all the gossip," Lindsay said, taking a drink of her Pepsi. "Do you spend the day trolling Facebook and cyber stalking our old classmates or did you get a job working the city switchboard?"

"Which would make you more jealous?"

"It's like you know people got divorced before they even knew they hated each other."

"It's my way I guess."

"She can smell marital discord a mile away," Doug said. "I clothespinned her nose once."

"You're weird," Lindsay retorted, wrinkling her nose.

"You're short."

"Shut up."

Adam chuckled, suddenly knowing exactly how Lindsay had spent her last year of high school, or at the very least, her first few years of college. It was nice to get to see the part he had missed out on. She seemed so young again, sitting there in the sunlight and giggling over the past and he was once again glad he'd pushed her to do this. Maybe pushing wasn't the right word, but she needed it one way or the other.

"Mama, I gotta go potty!" Colton shouted, running over from the sandbox where he had been playing for the last hour. "Really, really much."

He danced in place, his eyes round as he tried desperately not to have an accident.

"Okay, let's go," Lindsay chuckled, standing up from the picnic table and taking his hand.

"Hurry mama it's comin'!"

They made it to the bathroom just in time and Colton sighed in relief once he was done and washing his hands.

"I not wait so long ever 'gain."

"Sure you won't."

"I won't mama," he said as she picked him up. "I know."

"Okay, I believe you."

They went back outside and he squinted at the sun, then buried his face in her hair.

"Is it sunshiney at our home too?"

"Probably."

"I would go swimmin'," he said. "At the pool. Daddy could take me."

"Yeah, he could. We need to get you into swimming lessons soon."

"Daddy teached me doggie paddlin'."

"I know and you look real funny when you do it."

They chuckled together for a moment before she heard a voice behind her.

"Lindsay."

She knew it well and blinked hard before turning around. And there he was. All six feet four inches of him, sandy blonde hair and green eyes and the smile that had broken her heart.

"Hi Brian."

"I didn't think you'd show up."

"Well I did."

They looked at each other for a moment, sizing each other up, trying to decide how this conversation was going to go.

"Mister, who is you?" Colton asked finally, bored with the silence. "You friends with mama?"

"I'm Brian. And I guess… yeah, your mama and I used to be friends."

"You not anymore? How come?"

Lindsay's stomach churned and she tried to think of something to say, but Brian beat her to it.

"A long time ago, I was kind of mean to your mama."

Colton's face turned immediately to indignation and he crossed his arms.

"You mean to my mama? That's not nice. You say sorry?"

"No, I never actually did."

"You say sorry now or you gonna be in big trouble."

"Colton, stop that," Lindsay admonished once she found her voice again. "You know better than to talk like that."

"But mama-"

"No buts, you heard what I said."

"Daddy would be mad if he knowed somebody bein' mean to you."

"Yes, I know."

"And Danny be mad too."

"I know."

"Austin would kick his butt."

"Colton Matthew."

"I say the truth mama."

"Why don't you go and sit with daddy?" she said, rolling her eyes and setting him on the ground.

"Okay. But you," he said, turning to Brian. "You better say sorry to my mama."

"I'll do my best, kid."

He nodded and ran off and Lindsay stood there suddenly feeling like a ball without a tether.

"So that's your kid."

"Yeah. Sorry he's so… um… he just… he's a little protective."

"He loves you."

"Yes, he does."

"You're happy," he said softly, his voice full of so many different emotions, she almost had to take a step back. He had that look in his eyes, and she wanted desperately to get away. She didn't want to hear what he was going to say because she already knew what it was going to be. She just wondered how her being married now was going to enhance things.

"Yeah, I am," she said finally, wanting to throw up.

"I waited too long."

"No, Brian," she sighed, one had going to her hip. "We never would have been together, no matter when you tried to get me back."

"You know that I loved you, Lindsay."

"Don't do this."

"You deserve to know that. I know I'm not him," he said, gesturing towards Adam who was trying really hard not to look in their direction. "But I did love you. And the thing is, I still love you now. Just as much, even more than I did then."

"You don't even know me anymore."

"You're still you, Lindsay. You're still beautiful, you still take my breath away."

"Brian, stop it, you're wasting your time. I have never once given you any indication that I would ever take you back. And now I show up with my husband and two kids and you somehow think that I'm going to change my mind?"

"I know you won't but I can't say I didn't wish you would."

She cursed under her breath and shook her head.

"You need to move on. You can't spend the rest of your life pining for me. And before you say you're not, I already know that you've been single since I left and you're not doing a thing with your life. You're better than that. From someone who still knows you really, really well, you deserve more than this."

"Lindsay I can't just stop wanting to be with you."

"You're going to have to because if you don't you're going to spend the rest of your life miserable. And no matter what happened between us I believe that you should be happy. You have to let go of me, Brian. You have to, because I have a life now that I love, that I would not give up for anything. You need that too and you're never going to get that if you're still waiting for something that's not going to happen."

"You're really happy, Lindsay?"

"Yes. Happy's not even a good enough word for it, but as I am lacking in thesaurus, we'll go with that."

"You look good as a mom."

"Thanks."

"And that man over there is the luckiest man in the whole world. And he'd better know that."

"He knows. But I'm even luckier than he is," she said, looking over at Adam and giving him a half smile. He grinned back at her and her heart pounded.

"You really are happy."

"Yes, I am. And you should be happy too, Brian. I'm serious. What happened between us, you shouldn't spend the rest of your life paying for. Promise me you won't do that anymore."

"Okay."

"Mama!" Colton shouted, racing back towards her and hugging her legs. "You done yappin' yet?"

"I don't know, should I be?"

"I dunno."

She smiled and reached down to run her fingers over his hair.

"You can come play with me please? I build somethin' in the sand and you can take a picture. And cuz Ben is crying and he don't want daddy."

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute."

"How much is that?"

"A tiny while."

He nodded and held onto her, as if he didn't trust that she would only be a minute.

"I guess I'd better let you get back to life, Linds."

"Yeah. You think about what I said, okay? I'm serious."

"I will. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"And hey. I'm sorry."

"Brian, I could blame a lot of things on you and hate you for a lot too, but if you hadn't done what you did, I wouldn't have moved on and left Montana and found Adam and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now. I hated what you did at the time but I'm also glad you did it."

"Is that what they call being the bigger person?"

"Or smarter."

He gave her a crooked grin and a nod and would have tipped his had hat he been wearing one.

"Bye Lindsay."

"Bye."

Colton gave him a little wave as they walked off, and he sighed to himself, watching as she crossed the grass and took the baby in her arms, kissing his cheeks and making him laugh while her husband looked at her as if she was the most wonderful woman in the world.

He had really, really missed out.

* * *

"I don't know if you've ever seen Lindsay really drunk-"

"Oh geez," Lindsay sighed, casting a long glance at her old drinking buddy Griff. He'd had a fake ID and she'd just wanted to forget things, so they had become friends of convenience. She hated remembering that time in her life, even if there were some good stories, which she was certain Griff was about to tell.

"This one night she got really wasted. I mean, she had a lot to drink, she was always a pretty sober drunk, but this night she must have had more than I thought she did and she was bouncing off the walls."

Adam gave her a half grin and she winced back, knowing what was coming.

"I took her for a walk to try and sober her up and she just couldn't stop giggling. And I know if she was going crazy or what, but she sees this flowerbed with those red lava rocks in it, and she goes "Griff look, bacon bits!" and she jumps in the flowerbed and before I can stop her she shoves one in her mouth."

"Ah gross," Adam said, wrinkling his nose.

And she sat there for a second then looks up at me and goes "Sweet baby Buddah, this isn't bacon!" spits it out, dusts herself off and starts getting after me for letting her eat it."

"Sounds about right," Adam chuckled, twisting a strand of her hair around his finger.

"Hey, now I haven't had a drink in a really long time and it's been even longer since I've been drunk."

"I'm telling Austin this story when we get home."

"Oh great."

"See, aren't you glad we came, honey?"

She shook her head and buried her face in her hands.

"That's it, no more stories Griff."

"Wait, I didn't even tell him about the time you tried to skateboard."

"Please don't. I have to leave here with some dignity. Besides you were a pretty ridiculous drunk yourself. I seem to recall you wetting your pants a time or two."

"Hey!"

She chuckled and adjusted Colton in her arms, wishing the wind would start blowing and clear away some of the heat. They'd been outside for a good six hours and she really wanted some air conditioning.

"Well I've gotta go spread more embarrassment to people who thought they could trust me in their worst moments," Griff said, standing up from the table. "See ya later, Kokanee."

"Bye," she said, rolling her eyes as he left them.

"You were quite a little spit fire," Adam said amusedly.

"You're just figuring that out?"

"No, I'm just now getting concrete evidence to back up my theory."

"At least I got it all out of my system."

"You so did not."

"Yes I did."

"Honey, you can't get your personality out of your system."

"You don't want me to, do you?"

"Not at all. Come on, we should get out of here and let our offspring sleep in real beds."

She nodded and they gathered their things and left the park, putting the boys into their carseats while the crickets chirped and night became darker.

"Hey, want to go somewhere with me when we get back?"

"Somewhere like where?"

"Oh I dunno, I think I could use a swim in some nice cold water."

"You want me to go swimming with you at night in that pond that is filled with slime and animals?"

"Yeah. But it's really not that bad, I promise."

"I dunno."

"Please? Just for a few minutes? You have no excuse, I packed your swim trunks."

"Alright, I'll go."

"I love you."

"Because I let you have your way?"

"Among other things."

He shook his head as she rolled down her window and let the air whip over her face. He could tell she was tired and knew that it had to be exhausting to transport herself back to one of the darkest times of her life while keeping a happy face on. She seemed to be alright though, accepting that it was the past and that's not who she was anymore. She'd made peace with it all in the last few hours and he couldn't have been more proud of her.

They made it back to her parents house just as the very last of the days light slipped away, and they carried the boys upstairs quietly, changing their clothes and tucking them in.

Pretty soon they were out the door, swimming attire on underneath t-shirts, large towels draped over their arms. They told her parents where they were going so they could keep an eye on the boys, then headed down the gravel path to the pond.

"You alright?" Adam asked, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head.

"Yep, I'm good."

"You seem a little lighter."

"What?"

"You're walkin' all happy."

"Must be the sun," she sighed. He stopped walking and turned her to face him, grabbing her waist and crushing his lips to hers. She laughed against him, sliding her arms around his neck for a few moments before pulling away.

"Come on, let's go."

He sighed as she took his hand and pulled him down the path until they reached the pond. It was a lot larger than he had expected, but then everything in Montana, like Texas, was bigger. The moon was out but not very bright, so he could barely see where he was walking, and he stumbled over a rock near the bank

"I'm kind of afraid of what's in this water."

"Oh Adam, don't be a baby."

"What if I get bit by something?"

"Then you'll have a good story to tell when we get back. Come on, it's perfectly fine."

Her voice was muffled as she pulled her t-shirt off and tossed it into the grass, where it was soon joined by her shorts.

"Am I going to look like a fool swimming alone?" she asked finally, her hands on her hips.

"Alright, alright."

He couldn't see her but he knew she had her hands on her hips, her head cocked to the side and one eyebrow up, and he grinned as he peeled his t-shirt off.

"Uh, Linds?" he asked, hearing her bathing suit drop to the ground. "What are you doin'?"

"What do you think I'm doin'?" she retorted with a grin, sashaying towards the water. Or at least he pictured her sashaying, because he really couldn't see a thing.

Not that he needed to. His memory was pretty sharp.

He heard a splash and then silence before the water surface broke again and he heard her almost teasing voice.

"Water's nice, Adam."

"Yep," he gulped.

"Even nicer if you get in it."

He couldn't think of a retort, so he went ahead and joined her.

"No one's gonna steal our clothes, right?"

"You've gotta be joking."

"Hey, someone here has to be pragmatic."

"Have you ever heard about seizing the day? C'est la vie? Eat drink and be merry? Livin' la vida loca?"

"Are you hurling clichés at me?"

"Just tossing."

He chuckled and moved closer to her, wishing the moon would brighten up so he could see her, even just for a second.

"So, uh, you come here a lot?"

She snickered and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"Not at night, no."

He smiled and rested his forehead against hers, sighing deeply and closing his eyes.

"What are you thinkin'?" she asked softly.

"I'm just wondering if your heart is okay right now."

"It's good. My mind's a little tired, but my heart is just fine. You keep it safe, remember?"

"I'm going to kiss you now, so I hope you don't got nowhere to be."

"Not unless you're goin' there too."

* * *

"Adam?"

Her voice was just a gentle noise, gently pushing into his relaxation as they lay back in the grass looking at the stars.

"Hmm?"

"I wasn't teasing before," she whispered, running her hand slowly over his chest. "I've really never done this."

"What, tricked a man into skinny dipping, then seduced him with mere words?"

She giggled and shook her head.

"Literally, you are correct. But that's not exactly what I was getting at."

"What were you getting at?"

"You saw him today, Adam. And you didn't meet him but you knew who that was."

"Yeah, I did."

"And I may have history with him, I may have things with him that I can't get back, but I have more with you that he can never touch. And I know it's not the same, but I need you to know that. You're mine and I'm yours and it's not because you won me or wooed me. It's because I handed myself over to you. I've never done that before, not completely. I wish you could be my first of everything, but as far as heart goes, you are. You have it all, Adam. You have everything."

He wished desperately that he could see her so he could look into her eyes and make her see what her words meant. But he couldn't, so he had to rely on his own words instead.

"I hope that I'm worthy of what you give me, Lindsay. Because it's the most beautiful thing I have ever been given."

Her hand found his and she slowly laced their fingers together before leaning up to kiss him.

"You're more than worthy. So much more."

They lay quietly for a while longer, soft hums of contentment being the only conversation they had. It was warm out but eventually a chill did start to set in, and she sat up a little.

"We should get back. Not that I really want to, but we should."

"Yeah, probably."

They got up slowly, putting their clothes on and making themselves presentable before heading back to the house. Everyone was asleep and they got ready for bed as quietly as possible, finally sliding under the covers with gentle giggles.

"Now I don't want you going home and telling the guys about this or nothin' okay?"

"They'd be so jealous!"

"Exactly why I don't want you telling them."

"Okay, deal."

They shook on it and she buried herself in him, getting as close as she could before sighing deeply.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too, Lindsay."

"Thank you for loving me."

"Thank you for letting me."

He kissed her and watched as she fell asleep in his arms, completely trusting, completely loved, completely his.


	121. Chapter 121

The radio was on and playing at a medium volume, while the TV fluctuated between loud and silent as Ben played with the remote. The sink was clogged and had somehow overflowed in the twelve seconds it had taken Lindsay to put the milk and eggs back in the fridge. Colton was running from room to room, happily engaged in a game of his own making, shouting and giggling while his shoes slapped against the floor, and the cats watched him warily from their spot under the table.

Lindsay was quite frustrated, not so much about the noise and the mishaps, but more because it had all happened before ten a.m. She finished mopping and caught Colton right before he ran over the clean floor, carrying him to the couch and setting him down. He matched her serious look, his eyes boring into hers until she chuckled.

"I need you to please play a quieter game for a little while."

"Oh, okay. I can play my cars."

"Good idea. Just let me get life under control."

"What's Ben doin' on the TV?"

She turned around and sighed, seeing that he had somehow ordered a movie on Pay-Per-View. Luckily it was before anything much happened, so she reached down and snagged the remote from him, turning the TV completely off. He wailed at the loss of his toy but was fine when she gave him something else. He rolled over onto his back and chewed on it, drooling out the side of his mouth and looking up at her with a smile.

"You're a stinker," she said, reaching down and wiping his face.

"Daddy say that too," Colton informed her. "When is the girls getting here?"

"Uh, sometime," she answered distractedly, giving the clock barely a glance. "Could you do me a favor and feed the cats?"

"I give them one scoop," he said, going into the kitchen and opening the plastic tub that held the cat food. He gave them each a scoop and closed the lid, then dusted his hands off on his pants.

"Mama, Fluffy not coming out to eat," he reported, coming back into the room.

"She'll eat later. Did you make your bed?"

"Yep. I fix Ben's bed too. He a messy sleeper."

"He sleeps like daddy. All over the bed and messing up the blankets."

"Hey mama, how come you and daddy gotta share a bed?"

"Because we're married."

"But why?"

"Why do married people share a bed? Well… because it keeps them married sometimes."

"But daddy snores."

She chuckled and shook her head brushing her fingers through his hair that was ready to be cut again.

"You snore too."

"I'm really like daddy, huh mama?"

"Yeah, you really are."

He gave her a huge grin, nodding proudly.

"When I grow up I'm going to be just like daddy 'cept a doctor. I will drive a blue Jeep and play video games."

"Really? What else?"

"I will marry a pretty girl. We will have cake for dinner. And no bedtime."

"That sounds like a really, really good life buddy."

"You will still be my mama, right?"

"I will be your mama forever."

"Okay, good."

She pulled him into her arms and stood up, swaying gently while they held each other. Sometimes it struck her that he was hers, and how much she loved him and she could do nothing but hold him close and breathe him in. It wasn't like she didn't have these moments with Ben too, but Colton was still her first baby. He was the one that had stopped her life and stolen her attention.

The door opened and Colton wiggled down from her arms excitedly, running across the room and throwing his arms around Isa.

"Hi Sweet Thing! I bringed you a present from Totana! Wanna see?"

"I love presents," she confirmed, clutching her hands together and nodding. "What's it?"

"It's a filly," he said, taking the knitted stuffed animal off the counter and handing it to her. "I pick it 'cuz your mama and my mama say you's like a wild filly. The lady say it's named Birdie, but you can give it 'nother name."

"Okay. I think 'bout it."

"Sarah, we get somethin' for you too," he said, handing Sarah the keychain that had her name written on a Montana license plate. "You can wear it on your finger like all the other ones."

Sarah's eyes lit up as she took the keychain and inspected it. Austin's keys were just about her favorite thing in the world, and she'd managed to acquire quite the collection of keychains before she was even two years old.

"What do you girls say?" Austin coached, moving Junior to her other hip.

"Thank you," Sarah said softly, hugging Colton as tight as she could. "Thank you."

"Thanks, let's play," Isa said, running off towards Colton's bedroom.

"You gonna come, Sarah?"

She nodded and smiled and he took her hand before they ran into the other room.

"I don't think inseparable is quite the word anymore," Lindsay chuckled, sitting down on the couch and watching Ben out of the corner of her eye as he got up on all fours and looked like he was going to crawl. He rocked back and forth for a moment, then dropped back to his stomach and grabbed at the teething ring he'd discarded earlier. Austin set Junior down beside him and the boys regarded each other for a moment, then smiled.

"So how was the trip? You're really tan."

"Trip was good. Still suffering jet-lag, but other than that."

"You still mad at Adam for making you go?"

"No, he was right. I needed to go."

"You saw Brian."

"Yeah. That part kind of sucked."

"Did Adam get jealous?"

"No, he was good about it."

"You're very succinct in your answers today, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm still tired. And there's not that much to tell."

"You sound really down."

"I'm not, I promise," she said, fighting a yawn. "The boys have been staying up late and getting up early. I told my dad not to put Colton on a farm schedule but he did and now I'm paying for it."

"How early?"

"He got up just before four this morning."

"Oh man," Austin groaned, shaking her head. "Isa gets up early but not that early. Why did your dad get him up so early anyway?"

"To milk the cows. Colton thought it was the greatest thing ever. And my mom thought it was a great photo opportunity so I'll have to show you some pictures."

"Does he want to be a cowboy now?"

"Nope, still a doctor, though I wouldn't be surprised if he became a veterinarian instead."

"The world is his oyster."

"I hope so. What happened here while we were gone?"

"Uh… Sarah's potty-trained."

"There is more to this story."

"Well it started out okay. She was doing pretty good and then Isa decided that she needed to help. I figured what could it hurt, right? So I just let them go together. And then they discovered the soap and the toilet paper and Sarah forgot about going to the bathroom and pretty soon she was having accidents at every turn."

"Not so much fun."

"No, and she was so embarrassed she would hide it as long as she could and then come to us crying. Eventually we got it all under control and she's out of pull ups even at night."

"And she's not even two. Smart cookie."

"Girls are easier I guess."

"And I have two boys. Great."

"Well you can give me tips when Junior's- Linds where are the boys?"

"They were just here! And they're not even mobile."

"Did they ride a cat?" Austin asked, half joking as they got off the couch and went in search of Ben and Junior. They found them in the kitchen, crawling across the linoleum together and giggling at their newfound freedom and cleverness.

"Benjamin Ross!"

"Daniel Messer!"

Both boys turned around, more at the sounds of their mother's voices than at their names, grinning from ear to ear.

"Cory, Shawn, are you two going to be trouble?" Lindsay asked, picking Ben up and kissing his cheek.

"More like Mutt and Jeff."

"Joey and Chandler."

"Harry and Lloyd."

"Fred and Barney."

"Alfalfa and Spanky."

"Zorro and Bernardo."

"Abbot and Costello."

"Yes, they'll take after us."

Austin chuckled and bent down to get Junior, who clutched at her hair and laughed as they moved back into the other room.

"So they've taught each other to crawl, how long before they figure out how to pick locks and hot wire cars?"

"Depends on how long it is before they find some girls they want to go meet."

"We're in for it. We're so in for it."

* * *

"Hey, I'm home."

"Daddy!" Colton shouted, running across the room and launching into Adam's arm. "Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

"I'm pretty darn happy to see you too bud."

"Can we play now, please?"

"Yeah, let me talk to mama for a bit and then I'll be right in there, okay?"

"Okay. Don't be late, daddy."

Adam grinned and watched his son run off into the other room before going in search of Lindsay. She was in the kitchen chopping vegetables for a salad and he snuck up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her hair.

"Hi gorgeous."

"Who are you talkin' to?"

"Who do you think?"

She chuckled and turned to face him, kissing him properly.

"You look a little worn out babe. Everything okay?"

"Just a long day. I'll tell you about it later but for right now, I think I just want to stand here with you."

"That works for me. I missed you."

"I wish we could all just be together all day, every day but I am pretty sure we would go crazy."

"And absence makes the heart grow fonder or some such nonsense."

"I don't think it's possible for me to grow any fonder."

"You talk so good," she said, leaning into him and sighing. They stood there for a minute, just holding each other and breathing before he pulled away.

"The honor of my presence has been requested in the bedroom of our son as he embarks on a journey of imagination."

"Okay, you're also a major dweeb."

"Thanks for the love baby."

"Hey, before you go in there, can you go and check on your cat? She's been acting funny."

"Fluffy? She's always acting funny."

"She wouldn't eat and then she spend an hour curled up on my lap. She hates to be touched and she hates me even more so that was kind of a big deal. She hid out under our bed for the rest of the day. I think she's still in there."

"I'll go check. She might be sick."

Neither one of them said what it probably was. Fluffy had been with Adam since college, was going blind and had a limp. She'd gotten even more cantankerous in the past few months, not even wanting Adam to touch her. She only liked the boys and then only just after she'd been fed. Lindsay loved that cat because she was Adam's and because she was a part of their lives before their lives had even come together. She loved Fluffy because Adam loved her, and that is as simple as it was.

"I'm not really that animal savvy," Adam said, coming back into the kitchen with Fluffy in his arms. "But she's not looking very good."

Fluffy gave a soft meow and closed her eyes, her breathing quite normal, but a little more shallow than it should have been.

"Do you want to take her to the vet?"

"I don't know. I guess… I suppose we should."

"Adam, would it be better for you if I took her?"

He sighed and looked down at the cat, petting her affectionately.

"Yeah, it might. Would you do that?"

"Yeah, I can. I'll take her right now."

He handed the cat over, without protests from anyone, scratching her behind the ears and at the middle of her back. She looked up at him but didn't make a noise and he knew that she was very close to being gone.

"I'll call you, okay?"

"Okay."

"Are you sure you don't want to go?"

"I don't. I'll just stay here with the boys."

"Okay. I'm sorry sweetie."

"I'm alright. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Where's this train going?"

"Um, I think to the park. It gonna zoom 'round for the people to ride."

"How fast is it going to go?"

"Like Speedy Gonzales, daddy. Faster than all the world."

Adam chuckled and finished putting the new batteries into the train, then set it on the track. Lindsay had called a few minutes earlier to tell him she was coming home. The cat wouldn't be with her. He was okay with that, he knew it was her time to go, but it still made him feel crummy.

"Benjamin, no putting toys in your mouth!" Colton snapped, yanking the toy out of Ben's hands. Ben sat there for a second, looking like he was going to cry, then crawled off and found something else to do.

"Okay, the train's ready to go. Is it going to carry cargo on this trip?"

"Nope, just peoples."

"Will they serve dinner?"

"Uh-huh. The peoples gotsta eat! That what Jo say."

"Jo says that the people gotta eat?"

"Uh-huh. She say that why she make so much food."

"Oh, I see."

"I seen her kissin' Mac."

"You did?"

"Yep."

"When was that?"

"I dunno."

"Where was it?"

"In her house. We was eatin' dinner. I goed potty inside. They was in there kissin'."

"Kissin' how?"

"Like you and mama. And they's laughin' too. They could get married right?"

"Well I don't know about that, but as long as they're happy we're happy."

"Yep. Like if mama not happy then nobody happy huh?"

"Kind of like that."

Colton giggled and used one hand to start his train moving while he kept the other on Ben's arm holding him back from infant destruction.

"Lookit the train going, Ben," he said, sitting back and putting his arm around his brother's shoulders. "See how it can make beliverties?"

"Deliveries," Adam corrected with a chuckled, using the controls to make the train deliver its load.

"Yeah, them things. Watch it go up the hill and then down, Ben! Watch!"

The boys cheered as the train crested the hill, then sped down the other side, taking a corner quickly before returning to normal speed.

"Daddy, you teach me the controls?" Colton asked, crawling over beside him. "Please?"

"Sure. This lever right here will make your train stop. Go ahead and try it."

He pressed the lever determinedly, his jaw dropping when the train actually did what he wanted it to.

"Ben, see what I do?"

Ben grunted and crawled away into the kitchen.

"Now what's this one?"

"That one makes it drop its delivery. So what you want to do is stop the train when it gets to a building and keep holding the stop lever while you hold the delivery lever too."

Colton concentrated hard, watching the train and stopping it just before it got to a building.

"I did it too fast."

"That's okay. It's actually good because now we can get the train exactly where we need it to go."

They worked together to make the delivery, Colton letting out a sigh of relief when it was done.

"That was hard work daddy."

"Yeah, it was. But that's what you've gotta do in life. Hard work."

"I like hard work. But I like to play too."

"Well then you have to find a job that's hard work, but hard work that you like to do."

"You like to do your hard work, daddy?"

"Yes I do. I'm pretty lucky. Mama likes her hard work too."

"Why you have to do hard work?"

"Because we earn money. And we need money to pay for food and clothes and toys for you kids, and anything else we might need."

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"If I not need toys, you not work so much?"

Adam chuckled and sat up, pulling Colton into his arms.

"It doesn't quite work that way buddy. There's other things mama and I need to pay for. I wish I could stay home and play with you all day every day, but I can't. And that's okay, because it means when I am home we don't take it for granted."

"That mean it more special right?"

"Yep."

"Okay."

"Besides, someone has to help catch bad guys."

"Yep. You is a good bad guy catcher, daddy. And mama too. And unca Danny and Austin and Flack and Jess and Mac and Jo. You catch all the bad guys in the whole world."

"We do our very best."

"Hey who let the baby escape," Lindsay said, coming into the room with Ben who was chewing on her hair.

"He was in my way mama."

"Oh I see. What do you have going on here?" she asked, sitting down and wrapping her free arm around Adam. He smiled and squeezed her hand.

"Well this is a town and this is a train and these are buildings and the train makes deli… um deliveries?"

"Yep, deliveries."

"Deliveries. And the train is blue."

"That sounds like fun."

"Yup, it is."

"Buddy can we talk to you for a minute?"

"Okay."

He crawled up into her lap and smiled, looking from her to Adam, wondering what they were going to say. Neither of them really knew where to start, they hadn't discussed a plan of action either and didn't know how much he could handle.

"Colton, you remember how Fluffy was acting strange today?"

"Yeah, she was tired huh?"

"Yeah, she was really tired. But she was also very sick and very old."

"She's sick? She throwed up mama?"

"No, it wasn't that kind of sick. See when animals get really old like Fluffy was, their bodies get tired. They start walking slower and sometimes they're not as healthy as they were before."

"So we give Fluffy vitamins? Like my racecar ones? She could share with me!"

"No son, vitamins won't help her," Adam said gently. "The thing is that sometimes when animals get old like that, they um… they die."

"Like the dinosaurs?"

"Yeah, like the dinosaurs."

"And they never come back like the dinosaurs?"

"Yeah. And buddy, Fluffy got really, really old, and her body was tired and she didn't feel good and she died."

"She's not comin' back?" he asked, his eyes growing large and filling with tears.

"No, she's not."

"But she's our kitty!"

"I know that. I really know."

"But the doctor? He fixed her?"

"He tried, buddy," Lindsay said. "But sometimes there's nothing a doctor can do. Sometimes it's better just to let her go in peace."

"No, the doctor gon' fix her! It his job!"

"Buddy, sometimes doctors can't fix things."

"Yes they can!" he shouted angrily. "They fix Fluffy and she come home and sleep in my bed!"

"No honey, they can't. They can't fix Fluffy now."

"I want my kitty!" he wailed, throwing himself against her chest. "She mine! She mine!"

Lindsay held him tight for a moment before he tore out of her arms and ran out of the room. Adam followed him and caught up to him at the door.

"I go get her. I bring her home and I fix her."

"Colton, you can't."

"Yes I can too!" he screamed, grabbing the doorknob. Adam picked him up and held him close until his rage tears gave way to sad ones.

"It's okay buddy. Fluffy might be gone, but she's in a place where her body will never get old and she'll never get sick. She'll have a lot of toys to play with, and lots of other cats for friends. We'll miss her and she'll miss us, but it will be okay. It's all going to be okay."

"I want my Fluffy, daddy."

"I know. I wish she was still here too. But we don't want her to be sick all the time, do we?"

"No."

"It's okay to be sad, buddy. Mama and I are sad too."

"Okay."

They sat down on the couch and Colton sniffled, wiping his eyes before chewing on his finger.

"Daddy, only animals have to go away forever, right?"

"It's not something you need to worry about right now, okay?"

"Okay, daddy. Is Chewy gonna go away?"

"No, Chewy is younger than Fluffy was. And he's healthier too. Chewy is going to be just fine."

"He will miss Fluffy though huh?"

"Probably."

"I will hug Chewy so he don't feel sad."

"That's a good idea. It will help you to feel less sad too."

"I could call Isa and say Fluffy's gone?"

"Maybe later. For now, let's all go in the other room and have some dinner and then you need a bath."

"I not hungry, daddy."

"Well then come and sit with me and mama while we eat. Maybe you can have a glass of milk."

"Okay, I have that. I can sleep in the big bed tonight?"

"We'll talk to mama but I think that will be okay."

He nodded and they went into the kitchen, finding a glass of milk on the table with a funny shaped straw in it. Colton smiled and wiggled down from Adam's arms, then climbed into his chair and took a drink of the milk.

"You maked me chocolate, mama?"

"I thought you might like it."

"Yeah," he said, taking another drink. "I maybe will have some dinner too."

She brought him a plate, then stooped down to wipe his tear streaked face.

"I all better mama. Fluffy not hurtin' no more."

"Okay."

She kissed the top of his head and sat down next to him, silently correcting the way he held his fork.

"I will sleep in the big bed tonight please?"

"Yeah, that's fine with me."

"And Ben too? We be all together, okay?"

"Alright. We'll be all together."


	122. Chapter 122

"Hey, how's the fort?"

"It's held down. How's your mom and Hannah?"

"Big babies."

She smirked and shook her head, sliding under the covers. Adam was in Arizona, helping his dad take care of his mom and sister who had been in a car accident and had each broken a leg. They were fine for the most part, but it was a lot for one person to handle, so Adam had taken a few personal days to go out there.

Lindsay was missing him horribly and he'd only been gone for one day so far. He'd left late the night before and waking up without him had started her whole day on the wrong foot. Nothing went right, the boys were cranky and clingy, she'd barely gotten out the door in time for work and she'd forgotten what she was doing at least twelve times in the course of an eight hour shift. Upon arriving home she found Faye frazzled, Colton in time out, and Ben with a teething fever. All the dreams of a hot bath had fallen by the wayside as she had calmed and fed the boys, then spent the next couple hours trying to get Ben's fever down. He'd finally fallen asleep around ten, a few hours after Colton had put himself to bed. Lindsay hated being pulled between the boys and doing bedtime by herself was the worst, but sometimes, it just has to be done.

"You still there?"

"Yeah, just thinking in seventeen different directions. I'm not sure how long my to-do list is exactly, but I think if I rolled it out, it would stop just shy of Buckingham palace."

"I'm sorry I left you in the lurch."

"It's okay. They need you. We'll do okay without you for a few days. But only a few, don't go gettin' none of them bright ideas."

"That's what you get for wakin' up in Vegas…"

"Don't sing Katy Perry to me."

He chuckled and she pulled his pillow under her head, yawning against it before breathing deeply.

"I miss you."

"How much?"

"A lot. I hate sleeping in this bed by myself."

"Maybe we should get bunkbeds for the times we have to be apart."

"You're ridiculous."

"Yeah, but no one else in the world would have it. Therefore, it's very us."

"You think we're more eccentric than we actually are."

"Stop being so mainstream."

"Let me get my glasses."

"Verbal sparring partners forever?"

"Forever."

They were quiet for several minutes, just listening to each other breathe and wishing they were together instead of half a continent apart.

"Colton told me he wants to go to school like _Sid the Science Kid_," she said on another yawn.

"I'm proud of his geek factor."

"I am too."

"Maybe we should think about preschool."

"No, he's still a baby."

"He's almost four."

"I don't want to send him alone. He'll be scared."

"Linds, you can't coddle him."

"I know I can't. I'm not trying to. I just don't want to send him too early and have him hate it."

"He's our kid, he's not going to hate it."

"Genetics doesn't solve everything."

"You just don't want him being taken care of by anyone else."

"No, I don't."

"You're going to have to get over that. We can't homeschool."

"I know."

"He's your baby. I get that honey. And I don't want to force him if he's not ready, but if he is, I don't want either one of us holding him back."

"I won't. I just need to think about it more."

"Preschool registration ends soon."

"How do you know?"

"I've been looking at places. I thought it doesn't hurt to be prepared."

"You and your internet."

"Yeah well."

She smiled and yawned again, this one bringing tears to her eyes.

"You need to go to sleep."

"But I miss you."

"I miss you too. But you need rest."

"I don't rest when you're not here," she said, reaching over and taking their picture off the nightstand. She loved the way he looked at her, how perfect they were together, how they just looked like they fit.

"You're going to have to."

"Tough love, huh?"

"That's what I do best."

"I know. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll be home before you know it."

"Goodnight."

"Night, babe."

She hung up the phone and replaced the picture on the nightstand before closing her eyes and snuggling down into the blankets.

"Mama!"

Her eyes snapped open and she waited a moment to see if he would call again.

"I said _Mama,_ mama!"

Sighing, she stood up from the bed and went into the boys room. Colton was sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes, his sock monkey clutched in his arms.

"What's the matter?"

"There's monsters under my bed."

"No there's not."

"There is too. Ben said so."

"Ben's sleeping."

"Well…he was scared."

"Buddy, go back to sleep."

"But there's monsters, mama. Daddy need to come and put them in the garbage."

"Daddy puts the monsters in the garbage?"

"Yes."

"Okay, you go back to sleep and I'll put the monsters in the garbage."

"You better get them all. They hide in the back."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah, of course mama."

Sighing, she got down on her hands and knees.

"Hey what do you know, all those monsters just up and left. Guess they didn't want to be thrown in the garbage."

"Oh, okay. Goodnight mama."

He laid down and she kissed him gently, making it halfway out the door before Ben woke up.

"Muhmuh."

"Go back to sleep."

"Muh," he whined, looking up at her with big eyes and a frown. She knew the face well, and sighed, picking him up and taking him into the other room. He gave her a mischievous grin while she moved pillows to make this easier. He was almost too heavy to nurse now and she thought he was completely weaned off of night feedings, but apparently he had other plans.

"Da?" he asked, pointing to the other side of the bed and noticing that Adam wasn't in it.

"Daddy went bye for a while. Hurry up and eat so you can go back to sleep."

"Muh."

"Yes, I'm mama, and I am also very, very tired and you are infringing on my sleep little one."

He grinned and sat up in her arms, obviously more interested in playing than nursing. Wrinkling her nose, she laid down and covered them both with the blankets, rubbing his back until he settled down. He took a deep breath and buried his face against her neck, tapping his fingers against her shoulder while she hummed softly. She could feel his warm breath puffing out over her skin and she reached down to stroke his hair softly, hoping to usher him into real sleep.

"Da," he breathed, turning his head in the other direction to see if Adam had mysteriously appeared.

"No daddy yet."

"Da."

"I know, I miss him too. He'll be home soon. Let's go to sleep, okay?"

He scrubbed at his eyes and tried to sit up, but she shushed him and gently pushed his head back down. He grunted in frustration but seemed to resign himself to sleep when she started rubbing his ears. It worked like a charm and it wasn't long before she joined him in dreamland.

* * *

"Mama, you can wake up now. It breakfast time, no?"

She cracked an eye open and looked at him, smirking at the expression on his face.

"That depends. What time is it?"

"The clock have a seven. And a five and another number too."

"Did the seven come first?" she groaned, sure she was going to be late.

"Yep!"

"Oh no."

She moved Ben off of her chest and sat up, finding that it was four minutes to eight and she had to be at work in an hour.

"Colton can you do me a huge, gigantic favor?"

"Yep!"

"Can you please go and get dressed and find something for Ben to wear? Don't try and dress him, just find him some clothes. Then go and put four diapers in the diaper bag."

"We goin' somewhere?" he asked as she got out of bed.

"I'm going to work but I'm dropping you off with Austin and Danny first."

"YAY!" he shouted, jumping up and down.

"I know you're excited, but can you help me out and do those things I asked you to?"

"Oh yes mama. I go right now!"

He sped out of the room and she checked to make sure Ben was still out for the count before going into the bathroom. She took a fast shower, not even bothering to dry her hair when she was done, just casually tossing it up into a ponytail. She even forgot make-up as she sped around, trying to get the boys ready.

"I put diapers in the bag. I help you more?"

"Go get some shoes for you and your brother."

"And for you, mama?" he asked, pointing at her socked feet.

"No I'll wear the ones by the door."

He returned a few minutes later with their matching Converse, jamming them onto Ben's feet, despite screaming protests.

"Benny, we gotsa help mama get ready! Now you stop crying and let me put your shoes on!"

Ben wailed as Colton tightened the shoelaces, then tied them in a knot.

"There, mama, I did it."

"Okay, can you do your own but please don't tie them."

"Sure."

She waited until he was done, then crouched down to tie his shoes properly.

"Ready to go now?"

"Yeah," she said, grabbing up the diaper bag and her keys, then lifting Ben from the couch and quieting his angry tears. "Go ahead and open the door but don't run down the hall please."

He nodded and did as he was asked, standing by the wall while she locked the door behind them.

"I push the button in the 'vator?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

The whole thing was all too thrilling for him as he punched the buttons and they made their way down to the car. He jumped from foot to foot having forgotten his missed breakfast. Ben on the other hand was fully aware that he had not eaten yet, and was positive that whimpering would produce him a bowl of oatmeal pronto.

"It okay Ben, Austin can give us breakfast. Or uncle Danny. He brings donuts."

"Danny feeds you donuts for breakfast?"

"Yep. I say they too much sugar and he say it okay 'cuz you eat them all the time."

"He's a fink."

"What's that mean?"

"It means he tattled on me for eating donuts."

"Oh. Mama, is uncle Danny your best friend?"

"Well… not really," she said, buckling both boys into their carseats. "He's more often like my greatest enemy."

"You not like each other?"

"We like each other fine, he just drives me crazy."

"Cuz of pickin' on you?"

"Yeah."

"He is your brother like my other uncles?"

"No. He's my partner at work. He's kind of like a brother I guess. Maybe a pretend one."

"So he my pretend uncle?"

"Uh, sure."

"But wait, how come he an uncle and Austin not an aunt?"

"Um… well she's kind of your aunt the same way he's your uncle, we just don't call her that."

"Why?"

"Because we called her that a long time ago and it was hard for you to say so we just stopped saying it."

"Is Austin your best friend mama?"

"Yes, she's my best friend."

"And daddy?"

"Daddy's my best friend too."

"You could have two?" he asked, shocked and excited.

"Yeah, you can have as many best friends as you want."

"Isa's my best friend. And Sarah. How come Austin call her Sarah Claire?"

"Because that's her name."

"But we call her just Sarah."

"Well that's her name too."

"I not understand, mama."

"Well it's a might too early for this conversation anyway."

"You not sleep much?" he questioned after a moment of contemplation.

"It's hard to sleep without daddy."

"When he's comin' back?"

"Hopefully in a couple days."

"I miss my daddy."

"I know."

"We almost there?"

"Almost."

"We spend the night?"

"Nope, I'll come and pick you up after work."

"Okay."

He fell quiet, staring out the window and she watched him in the rearview mirror, wondering if the sad look on his face was all in her mind.

* * *

"Lindsay, no offense, but you look rough."

"Thank you Hawkes."

"Hey, I said no offense. Isn't that supposed to make it okay?"

"You're thinking of bless your heart."

"Well bless your heart you look rough."

She shook her head and sighed.

"Are you alright?"

"I bow at the feet of single mothers."

"Not so easy without Adam, huh?"

"Does he have this many issues when I'm gone?"

"Energy drinks. Lots of them."

"I thought so."

"You'll make it," he said, patting her shoulder.

"Hey can I ask you for a favor?"

"Depends. What is it?"

"Well… Colton's got a yen for going to med-school. In the future of course, right now he's more concerned with pre-school. I was wondering if maybe sometime you wouldn't mind… I don't know, regaling him with doctor stories. He begs to watch those surgeries on TV all the time, maybe you could kid things up for him?"

"Yeah, of course. I could probably even find him a good book. Give him a headstart, you know."

She smiled and nodded.

"He would be over the moon."

"Just let me know sometime."

"I will. Thanks."

He left the room and Jo entered, the grin on her face about as large as it could get before it turned into a belly laugh.

"What?"

"You'll love this."

"What?"

"Seriously Linds, you're gonna die."

"What?"

"Well I heard some scuttlebutt in layout. I don't know where it started. I know no one believes it. And I am just about keeled over from trying to hold back the snorting."

"Jo. What?"

"Okay, this is great. I hear tell that the reason Adam took off to Arizona is because the two of you are separating, because you met some other guy."

"Oh really? When did I have time for that?"

"I didn't hear that part of the story. I just thought you might want to know."

"I'll be sure to let Adam know. He might be mad to be left out of the loop."

"Sometimes I'm glad people are immature. Gives us something to break up the day with."

"Is there anymore to this story? What other debaucheries have I committed?"

"I don't know, but I'll keep an ear out. Seriously, all the people on earth and it ends up being gossip about you."

"I'm not that lame, am I?"

"I guess we'll just have to wait for the rumor mill on that one."

* * *

"Indy! Indy!" Isa shouted, hopping across the room and hugging Lindsay's legs. "Colt sleep here tonight? Please?"

"I don't know, honey."

"Please?" she begged. "Mommy said okay."

"Let me think about it."

"Colt, she thinkin'!" Isa reported, running back into the kitchen. Lindsay followed her and found the kids playing with play-doh while Austin made dinner and looked like she had spent the day at the spa.

"Stayin' for dinner?" she asked, looking over at her friend and reading her expression.

"I dunno."

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Tired. Irritated. You have five kids today, six if you count Danny, how do you look so dang good right now?"

"This nice quiet playing that's going on? They've been like that all day. No screaming, no yelling, just perfection."

"I hate you."

Austin giggled and took a few plates down from the cupboard.

"Last chance. Danny's mom's recipe and I think I got it right this time," she said with a smile. "You don't want to go home and just have the boys to keep you company."

"I'm tired."

"Linds, stay. I'll feel bad if you go home."

"Okay fine, but I'm doing your dishes."

"Fair trade."

"Where is my other child?"

"Danny took the boys to put them down for a nap and he fell asleep in the rocking chair."

"Please tell me you have a picture of that."

"No, but I do have a picture of after I covered him with a pink blanket."

"You rock."

"I try."

"So wanna hear a story?"

"I dunno, how does it end?"

"It ends with me standin' here telling you a story."

"_Inception_?"

"No, strutting Leo, that was dreams."

"Well anyway. Go on."

"According to some very horrible crime lab sources who will most likely never achieve anything more than gossip in their little lives, I have not only cheated on Adam, but driven him away, won't let him see the boys and am now pregnant with the child of another man."

"You've had a full day."

"Never more excitement in my life."

"So how did all this come about?"

"Jo heard some rumor and I sent her off to investigate," Lindsay explained as Danny walked into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes and opening the fridge. He reached out for a beer and Austin swatted his hand away, giving him a frown before he pinched her side. She stuck her tongue out and moved to the other side of the kitchen and he followed her with his eyes for a moment before sitting down to play with the kids. Lindsay smiled fondly at their interaction, missing Adam all over again.

"And how are Jo's investigative skills?" Austin asked, turning the stove lower.

"Amazing. It took her ten minutes to figure how where all the hooey came from."

"Do tell."

"Well about a month ago the city hired four undergrads to do work study. They really can't do much, just run things from one place to another, sometimes if things are slow someone will let them touch a microscope. They're in the way, but it's temporary so we deal with it."

"You deal with it," Danny grumbled. "They didn't steal your lunch from the breakroom."

"The one day you don't go out for pizza. I'd like the odds on that in Vegas."

"Can it, Montana."

"Anyway," Austin prompted, rolling her eyes at her husband.

"Anyway, there's this one girl who is totally dingy, complete airhead, not sure how she's survived this long out of the womb, don't know the back end of a cow from a hole in her head."

"Descriptive."

"Thank you. So I guess about two weeks ago I had given her something to run over to Hawkes for testing. It should have taken about fifteen minutes but half an hour later she wasn't back so I went looking for her."

"And she found her chattin' up some guy in the hallway," Danny chuckled.

"She was! So I might have sort of yelled at her a bit."

"A bit? She was shaking!"

"Whatever. Basically she hates me and avoids me like the plague."

"So she's twelve."

"In that respect yes, but in the next… well anyway. She's the one who started the rumor. So I called Adam to tell him about it and he tells me that a few days after I yelled at her, she'd asked him out for coffee. He declined of course and said he was married. She was all batty eyelashes and "your wife wouldn't mind," and he said that even if I didn't mind, he still did and she asked again and he was pretty much grossed out and got out of dodge. I guess before that she hadn't put the two of us together, but the next day I brought the boys by and apparently that spawned even more hatred. I don't know if she's just immature or if she actually thinks she's somehow going to break us up like we're in the eighth grade or something, but I almost think I should be watching my back."

"Wow."

"She walked by me in the hall today and I just stared at her like "Girl, I will cut you.""

Austin and Danny busted into laughter and Lindsay sighed, shaking her head and jumping up to sit on the counter.

"What?"

"Adam's right, you do say funny crap when you're ticked."

"I'm serious. Chick needs to check herself before she wrecks herself."

"Linds, have you been watching _Jersey Shore_ again?"

"No."

"MTV in general?"

"Well yes but that has nothing to do with this conversation and it's your fault anyway."

"I remain proud of that fact."

"You two. Time apart, that is the key," Danny said, molding a baseball mitt out of play-doh.

"Why would we do that? We'd just mind read instead."

"Yeah Danny, don't you know anything?"

He scoffed and shook his head, knowing that the two of them together were more akin to wildfires and mass hysteria than tea parties and shopping trips, and there was no changing that.

"So what's going to happen if you see her tomorrow?"

"I dunno, prolly just give her the stare."

"What stare, Montana?"

"Yeah, show us."

Lindsay gave them the most glaring stare she could come up with and hold for more than three seconds without laughing. Austin and Danny chuckled and both facepalmed, shaking their heads.

"You're good entertainment, that's for sure."

She smirked and gave a shrug, knowing that if she couldn't be home with Adam, she could be happy just being here.


	123. Chapter 123

"Colton, Ben does not need dinner in his hair."

"Yeah, he said so."

"No he didn't and even if he had you know better. You need to stop blaming your brother for things that he didn't actually do. That's lying you know."

"No mama, Ben really say."

"You know what, I don't feel like arguing about this. Please just keep your hands to yourself."

He frowned and sat back in his chair, turning his fork over and over in his food while Lindsay wiped Ben's face.

"I want daddy," he grumped looking up at her with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Yeah, well I wish daddy was here too because you never misbehave when he's home."

"You bein' mean."

"I'm not being mean, you're being naughty."

He crossed his arms and made a face, watching her as she cleaned up the kitchen and hoping she would notice how upset he was.

Ben reached over and babbled at him, dropping a piece of chicken into his lap.

"No Ben! Mama say hands to yourself!" he shouted, pushing Ben's hand away and throwing the chicken on the floor.

"Okay, that's it, you're done," Lindsay said, lifting him out of his chair and clearing his food from the table.  
"No, I not done!"

"Yes you are. Go pick out some pajamas."

"Mama you so mean!" he shouted, stomping his foot. "You no like me no more!"

She snapped her finger sharply and pointed to his room, her face set in a no nonsense expression.

"Go into your room for a time out."

"No."

Sighing, she picked him up and took him into his room, setting him on the bed.

"You have three minutes."

He screeched at her in frustration and kept his arms crossed, staring her down, hoping she would relent in the punishment. He was out of luck. She left the room and he sat there, kicking his feet against the side of the bed and wishing for daddy instead. He never got in trouble with daddy. Mama was just mean to him today. Daddy would never be mean.

"Are you ready to talk nicely?"

He nodded.

"Do you know why you got a time out?"

"Because my bad attitude."

"Yes. And I'm sorry I got mad at you right away. I know you did it because you miss daddy right now. I miss him too. But he'll be home soon and we don't want him to come home and find us unhappy do we?"

"No."

"Okay. Can we call a truce and both say sorry?"

"I sorry, mama."

"I'm sorry too Colton. I love you."

"I love you."

She pulled him into her arms and sat back on the floor as Ben crawled over to them. She lifted him up into her lap, despite the food in his hair and on his face and cuddled both boys close, letting a tear slide down her cheek.

"What wrong mama? I say sorry."

"I know you did. I just really miss daddy."

"When he be home?"

"I don't know. Probably really, really late tonight or in the morning."

"That not far," he whispered, his little hand gliding across her face and wiping her tears away. "He come home and give you kisses and hugs and cuddles."

"Yeah, I know."

"It okay, mama."

She smiled and kissed his cheek then gave them both a hug.

"What do you think about a nice bubble bath and then a movie?"

"Okay. Benny, I sorry I push your hand."

Ben gave him a grin and Colton leaned over to kiss his cheek.

"All better now mama. We can go have a bath now."

"Okay, let's go."

He stood up and held his hand out for her and then went into the bathroom, shedding his clothes on the way there. He climbed into the tub before she even had a chance to plug it and start the water, and dumped is basket of toys in too.

"Come on, mama, put Ben in so we can play!"

She smiled and started the bath, and they were soon both happy, splashing in the water and laughing together. She loved watching them interact, the way Colton kept one eye on Ben so he didn't get hurt, and they way Ben tried to copy everything Colton did. Colton may say that Isa was his best friend, but when it came down to it Ben was his first concern every morning and they were together all the time. Ben's first real word had been calling out for his brother and he often shouted out "bo" when Colton was out of his line of sight. They were inseparable.

Pretty soon the water was getting cold and the boys were tired, so she wrapped them in towels and dressed them, taking them out to the couch and putting a blanket over all of them.

"I not want a movie, mama. I want a book."

"Why don't you pick one off the coffee table?"

He grabbed a few then settled against her, yawning as she cracked the first book open. Ben squealed and patted the page as she started to read, making her words softer and softer, hoping they would fall into sleep. Just as she thought they were about to drift off, the door opened and Adam stepped inside.

"Daddy!" Colton shouted, sleeping forgotten as he leapt off the couch and ran towards the door. "Daddy, daddy, daddy!"

Adam dropped his bags and crouched down and gathered his son in his arms, holding him tight and kissing his cheek.

"Oh buddy I missed you so much."

"I miss you too daddy. But you home now. You go kiss and hug and cuddle mama."

"Pretty sure I can do that."

"Da, da, da!" Ben said, reaching his hands out to Adam.

"Hey Ben Ry. Did you miss me too?"

Ben grinned and moved from Lindsay's lap to Adam's, taking a second to snuggle with his dad.

"And what about you, mama? You miss me?"

"Maybe a little," she said with a shrug and a grin. He smiled and leaned over to kiss her. He had been hoping the boys were in bed by the time he got home. Not that he didn't want to see the boys, but sometimes he just wanted his wife to himself, especially after this long.

"What do you think boys, is it bedtime?"

"No, I wanna play with daddy," Colton whined, rubbing his eyes. "He my daddy."

"You're so tired dude. Why don't you take this book into your room and daddy will read to you?"

"Okay. Come on, daddy. Get Ben too."

Adam gathered the boys up and took them into the bedroom, laying them down in Colton's bed and picking up the story where Lindsay had left off. They were both soon asleep and he spent a few minutes just watching them, stroking over their faces gently before kissing them both and leaving the room.

Lindsay was laying on the couch and for a second he feared she had fallen asleep on him too, but then she cracked one eye open and smiled at him.

"Hi."

"Hi. Got room for one more on that couch?"

"Only if that one more is you."

He toed his shoes off and lay down with her, kissing her more fully than he had before.

"I missed you."

"I missed you too. It's kind of pathetic how attached we are."

"Maybe, but I'm okay with that," he said, kissing her forehead. "Your hair is all tousled."

"Yeah."

"Did you do that on purpose?"

"I know you like it."

He grinned and ran his fingers through it, then wrapped his arms around her.

"So what happened while I was gone?"

"Not a whole lot more than what I told you. Ben stood by himself for a second today."

"Really?"

"I think he's going to walk soon."

"He only just started crawling."

"I know, but he's getting frustrated always being the last one somewhere because he has to crawl."

"Competitive?"

"Nah, just doesn't like being left out. Colton likes to throw tantrums when you're gone."

"Oh really?"

"Because he knows that I'll say it's okay because he misses you."

"You're such a softie."

"Not compared to you."

"Okay, you're right."

They smiled and she closed her eyes, nuzzling his chest and sliding her arm around to his back.

"And how about you? Anything exciting happen while I was gone?"

"Nothing more than I told you. Also I discovered that you're a good alarm clock and I cease being capable of getting out of bed on time without you in there griping at me."

"You have cold toes in the morning and they always seem to wander over to me to get warm."

"Sorry, wearing socks to bed freaks me out."

He chuckled and shook his head, even loving her cold morning toes because it was her.

"Are you hungry?" she asked suddenly, sitting halfway up and staring at him. "There's dinner in there."

"Nah, I'll eat later."

"But if you're hungry-"

"Let me just hold you for a bit, okay?"

She nodded and he pulled her back down against him, pressing several soft kisses to her forehead and smiling as she played with the buttons on his shirt.

"Hey, I know what that means."

"I'm too tired for it to mean anything right now," she yawned. "But in the morning it probably will mean something."

"I'm good with that."

"How are your mom and Hannah doing?"

"They have crutch races around the house."

"So basically they're just fine."

"Yeah. Dad was worried though. It was a bad accident, the car is totaled and I could just see it in him, you know? Like he saw himself losing it all. They got better and so did he, but that look in his eyes… I never want to feel that."

She nodded and gave him a little squeeze.

"I am banking on you won't ever have to."

* * *

"Things I have learned this morning," Adam started, rolling over and pinching Lindsay's side.

"Hey!"

"First, Ben is capable of climbing out of his crib. Second, our sons are very comfortable being co-conspirators. Third, I even missed your cold morning toes."

"That's a lotta learnin' before seven a.m.," Lindsay mused. "How did you learn these things? The first two I mean. The last one is pretty obvious."

"I figured out the first one because I heard it happening, and the second one because they came in here and Colton boosted Ben onto the bed. It was all without speaking, like they had already drawn a diagram and practiced or something."

"Yikes."

"And of course you didn't wake up. You were dead to the world."

"I wish I still was."

He chuckled and slid his hand under her shirt, his thumb gently caressing her stomach while he kissed her cheek.

"Go back to sleep."

"Didn't you need me for somethin'?" she asked, raising an eyebrow but keeping her eyes closed.

"Later," he answered, pressing a kiss to the wrinkle in her forehead. "You need rest."

"Later's better," she agreed with a yawn. "I'll want you more then."

"You say strange things."

"I forgot to put the filter in between my mind and my mouth. Too early."

"Sassafrass."

"Don Quixote."

"Chandelier."

"Cardboard."

He grinned at their random word game and planted a kiss behind her ear.

"Did you think any more about our anniversary?" she asked, now unable to go back to sleep.

"It's two months away."

"I know."

"And we can't go anywhere."

"I know. But it's number five. It's a big one."

"Yes it is. Have you thought any more about it?"

"I didn't have time to think about it. Besides, you're more romantic than I am."

"Oh so it's my job to plan everything all the time."

"I went through labor and delivery twice, you can plan an anniversary."

He wrinkled his nose at that.

"What if we just have the boys spend the night somewhere else and I'll have you all to myself."

"Besides the sending the boys part we do that a lot. Not that I mind. I just want to do something different."

"Alright, I'll think about it but you have to think about it too, okay?"

"Okay. Speaking of the boys, did you put them back to bed after they came in here?"

"Yeah."

"And when was that?"

"Like three hours ago."

"So they're going to be up soon."

"Probably."

She sighed.

"Later."

"Remember when we never had to wait until later?"

"Yes and that led to us having to always wait for later."

"Worth it?"

"Absolutely."

He smiled and she rolled over to look at him, running her hand over his face. She had missed him fiercely but it wasn't until now that she realized how much that really was. He was her other half, her better half and she was lost without him, even for just a few days.

"Don't leave again, okay? I'm coming with you next time."

"Deal. It's easier when you leave than when you stay home isn't it?"

"A little. Being home is like a constant reminder that you're not here. And I can't just fake myself into believing you're at work."

"I'm still working on that independently wealthy thing."

"You've been saying that for years."

"All things that are worth it take time."

"Look who's all philosophizing."

"That's not a word."

"It is too!"

"I wouldn't accept it in Scrabble."

"Which is why we play with a dictionary right there."

"You didn't accept dawg!"

"That's because you had to look it up on Urban Dictionary! That doesn't count. They have misspellings on there," she grumbled, poking his chest.

"Hey!" he said, retaliating by taking her in his arms and holding on tight enough that she could move but not get away. "Don't poke."

She snorted a laugh and shook her head before he rolled them over and pinned her to the mattress.

"This'll learn ya," he growled running his free hand over her side. She squealed and tried to push him away but he was too fast and she was soon rendered incapable of getting away.

"Stop, stop, I'm sorry!" she laughed. "I'll never do it again."

"Of course you will," he said, stopping for just a moment to look down at her. "You love to bug me."

She grinned and he leaned down, rubbing his nose against hers but keeping the eye contact.

"Keeps you on your toes."

"Something like that."

He ran his hand over her hair then leaned down and kissed her slowly, as if rewinding time and making up for the days he had been gone. She wiggled her arms from underneath him and wrapped them around his neck instead, pulling him closer as he broke this kiss and dropped his lips down to her shoulder, over her throat and to her lips and then down again.

"If you leave a mark you're going to be in trouble."

"I never leave a mark."

"Yes you do! You always say you didn't."

"Shut up," he said, kissing her again, rougher this time but with laughter in it. She sunk back against the pillows and letting him "work his magic" as he called it, once again exquisitely happy he was home.

"Daddy?"

They froze for a second before Lindsay giggled.

"What's up buddy?"

"When you's done kissin' mama, you come and watch 'toons with me?"

"I don't know if I'll ever be done kissin' your mama."

Colton sighed and tipped his head a little, blinking a few times.

"But you can't kiss mama forever. You gotta work someday."

Adam laughed and sat up.

"Alright, I'll be out in a minute. Is your brother awake?"

"Yep, hims playin' with his stuffies," he reported. "We hungry."

"I'll watch cartoons with you and mama can make breakfast."

"Fair trade," Lindsay said with an eyeroll, sliding out of the bed.

"You could make cereal mama," Colton offered, bouncing over to her. "Then you could watch too."

"I think that's a good idea."

Adam grumped in her direction, standing up from the bed and stretching.

"I ate fast food and macaroni and cheese and cereal for the last few days because dad and I can't cook and you don't want to make me a good breakfast?"

"No, I don't."

In one motion he grabbed a pillow and threw it at her, catching her in the hip. She laughed and threw it back, then ran into the other room, scooping Ben out of his crib.

"You wouldn't chuck a pillow at a lady holdin' a baby would you?" she asked as Adam rounded the corner, a pillow in each hand.

"So not fair," he said as Colton grabbed one of the pillows and whacked Lindsay in the leg.

"I do it daddy. I get her."

"Hey, traitor!" Lindsay admonished with a laugh. Colton squealed and thwacked her again and Ben clapped with amusement. "Is this pick on mama day?"

"A slight reprieve from picking on daddy."

Lindsay snickered and stole the extra pillow from Colton then hit Adam in the chest.

"And it's over."

She chuckled and dropped the pillow at his feet, a sign of treaty, then hugged him to seal the deal.

"We're really glad you're home."

"I am too."


	124. Chapter 124

She could feel him watching her from the moment she opened her eyes and she smiled against him, wondering how long he'd been up. She snuggled slightly closer and glanced over at the clock, seeing that it was far from time to get out of bed. His arms tightened around her, one hand splayed against the small of her back while the other twisted her hair around his finger. She wanted to say something, just so she could hear his voice in response, but she also didn't want to break the silence. Sighing softly, she closed her eyes again, concentrating on the sound of them breathing together and the feel of his skin against hers. He was warmth and strength and he felt like home. He smelled so good, the perfect combination of sleep and body wash and a little something else that was just him. She traced her fingers over his stomach, not teasing or exploring, just sleepily touching while his lips came down on the top of her head. She readjusted and leaned up a little, their lips meeting halfway and both of them sighing as if they had been waiting years for this. Tongues dueled for a brief moment before she broke the kiss and settled back against his chest, content with just that for now.

"How long have you been awake?"

"'Bout fifteen minutes."

"How long you been starin' at me?"

"'Bout fourteen and a half minutes."

She smiled against him while he reached over and took her hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing each of her fingers. She sighed and stretched up to press a line of kisses along his jaw.

"What were you thinkin' about?"

"You."

"Don't you ever get tired of that?"

"No. Besides, last night gave me a lot to think about," he said with a wink.

She blushed and chuckled, running her lips across his collarbone.

"I love the way you look when you sleep," he said, playing with her hand, sliding his fingers in and out of hers. "You're all peaceful and young and you always have this little smile on your face."

"I do?"

He nodded.

"I love the way that you sometimes roll over away from me, but you always roll back after a minute. I love how you hum for a few seconds right before you wake up. I love that even after you've gotten out of bed in the morning, you always come back for just a second to kiss me. I love how your hair is always kind of messy when you wake up and how your eyes are all clear and bright."

"Adam…"

"Wait, I was thinkin' for fourteen and a half minutes, I got more."

She giggled and shook her head a little.

"I love that when one of my jokes falls flat at work or something I always think "Lindsay would have got it." I love how cute your toes are. I love that you're always excited to tell me things just because I'm your best friend and you can't stand me not knowing everything. I love how you dance, in the kitchen when you're cooking or when you're trying to get the boys to sleep or sometimes when you're just happy and you just look so free and innocent. I love that when I come to bed after you, you mumble things at me and I have no idea what you're telling me and you don't seem to mind that I don't answer. I love that after you shower you walk around in just your bra and jeans and bare feet. I love how you know where everything in this house is, no matter how obscure the item is. I love how you whine about feeling all bloated and gross but you still believe me when I tell you you're beautiful. I love how we can speak in inside jokes and no one else knows what we're talking about. I love that you have your struggles but you're honest and you handle them with such grace and humility and you're not afraid to admit them anymore. I love how you're excited to see me when I get home. I love how sometimes you only blink one eye when you're tired. I love the way you say my name and I love the sound of your voice and the sound of your laugh. I love that you are the most wonderful woman in the world and you chose me and you let me know that you didn't pick someone beneath you and you think I'm just as amazing as I think you are."

"Well," she said softly after a moment. "You're going to give me a big ego if you keep waking up fifteen minutes early."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead.

"I'll compile a list for you as soon as I stop swooning," she said, her voice wavering just a little. He leaned down and kissed her and she melted against him, squeezing his hand and wondering how it was possible to fall so deeply in love every single day. It wasn't just how he made her feel either, so much of it was the man he was, how he was always trying to be better, to grow and stretch himself and never just settle for comfort if it wasn't best for them. She was as proud of him as she was in love with him.

"Mama!" Colton called, knocking on the door. "I can come in?"

"Uh, just a second," she said, leaning over the side of the bed and grabbing the pajamas that had been discarded the night before and sliding into them while tossing Adam's boxers to him.

"What's this for?"

"Saturday. You have to make breakfast and we're not newlyweds anymore so you can't cook naked."

"Hey, once we're empty nesters can I do that again?"

"We'll talk."

He chuckled as she got out of bed and opened the door for Colton, who hugged her legs before she picked him up.

"Can we eat now? I want breakfast."

"You'll have to ask daddy."

"Daddy, I'm starvin' like Marvin. Pancakes?"

"We'll have to see if we've got everything for pancakes, but I think that's okay."

"Mama you sure gots a big smile this mornin'."

"Do I not usually have big smile?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, grinning and hugging her neck. "You go get Ben?"

"Yeah, he's probably awake now huh?"

Colton nodded and they detoured into the bedroom before joining Adam in the kitchen. Ben was just waking up, his eyes glassy and his face screwed up in confusion as he stood in the crib and held onto the side, waiting to be rescued, for he was too tired to climb out on his own.

"Mama," he said, reaching a grubby hand out for her. She leaned down and picked him up, adjusting him on her other hip and vaguely recalling when she was younger and would see a woman carrying two children and thinking she could never do that.

"Mama hold us at the both time!" Colton giggled. Ben laughed and leaned against her shoulder as she made her way out to the kitchen. Adam was already hard at work on breakfast, but turned around when they entered, smiling and crossing the room to wrap all three of them in a hug. They stood there together for a moment before Colton wiggled down to check on the pancakes.

"Daddy, it's burnin'."

"I always burn the first one."

"Why?"

"Because it's my test pancake. Let's me know if the griddle is too hot."

"Like a 'speriment? Like at work?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"Oh. What we gonna do today?"

"You'd better ask mama that. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news."

"Bad news bears? Mama?"

She looked up from the paper and grinned at his expression, one of trepidation as he considered the possibilities of what they were going to do today.

"I just thought maybe you would like to go to the park today."

"Yay, the park, the park! When? Now?"

"Later this afternoon. First we have to clean this place up."

"Aw, mama, I don't wanna clean up!" he said, his head tipping to the side and a nice whine hanging onto his words. "It not fun."

"We'll make it fun."

"Scrubbin' ain't fun," he sighed, climbing up into his chair and stealing the comics from her. "Garfield not cleanin' today."

"That's because Garfield is a lazy bum."

"I wanna be a bum today. Like a jammie day, can we have a jammie day?"

"No, we've really got to get stuff cleaned up around here honey. I promise, it won't take all day and all you have to do is clean up your toys, okay? Then you can watch a movie while you wait for me and daddy to be done. Deal?"

"Okay, we make a deal on that. But I not puttin' Ben's toys away. They gots slobber on them."

Lindsay chuckled and looked down at Ben who was chewing on the financial section.

"You're going to have an inky mouth, baby," she muttered, taking the paper from him. He grimaced, then slapped his hands down on the table, hollering and kicking his legs in such a display of attention getting they were almost startled. He was always such a quiet kid that to see him like this was really weird.

"Mama, Ben need some drums."

"I'll get right on that."

* * *

"Babe, how did we accumulate so much stuff?" Adam asked, shutting the DVD cabinet as Lindsay climbed onto the couch and pulled a throw pillow under her head.

"Because we're both materialistic jerks."

"We have three copies of _The Goonies_."

"How is this a problem?"

"I don't know, I was just commenting."

She grinned and yawned, stretching as her muscles protested the sudden lack of movement. They'd been working for hours, cleaned the place from top to bottom, found four boxes of clothes and toys for donation and had thrown out two whole bags of junk. The boys had been napping for a few hours and would be up soon but Lindsay wanted to get a few minutes of rest before they woke.

"Hey," Adam whispered, crawling over to the couch and resting his face just a few inches from hers.

"Hey what?"

"You're pretty."

She smiled and ran her fingers through his hair.

"What's gotten into you today?"

"Hey, if this isn't normal then something's wrong."

She chuckled and maneuvered so she could kiss him. She grabbed onto his shirt and tugged a little so he would know she wanted him up on the couch with her. He obliged with a smile, settling himself over her and brushing her hair back from her face. She slid her hands under his shirt, loving how fast simple words could carry them away. He had just started to play with the buttons on her shirt when the phone rang.

"Ignore it," she grumped as his lips moved away from her throat.

"It's for you."

"How do you know?"

"It's Austin," he said, showing her the caller ID on the back of the phone. "Plus she always keeps calling back when we ignore it just to bug us."

"Guess you're right," she sighed, taking the phone. "H'llo?"

"Hey Linds. What's up?"

"You're interrupting a really good make-out session," she reported, causing Adam to wrinkle his nose and blush.

"You guys are gross."

"Yeah. How are you going to make this up to me?"

"I can't even think of an answer for that one."

"Rendered you speechless. I can now die happy."

"Please don't."

"So what's up? This had better be good."

"How would you feel about a dog?"

"What about a dog?"

"Having one."

"I'm sorry what are you talking about?"

"We're at the animal shelter," Austin started. "And Isa saw this dog and she's begging me to take it home and give it to you because you're all so sad about Fluffy and apparently another pooping animal will ease the pain."

"I see."

"So I told her I would ask you."

"Well… what kind of dog is it?"

"It's a mutt. The guy here says it's a chihuahua pug mix. He's 8 months old and he's fixed and he was owned by a little old lady so he's house trained. And I know you don't like chihuahua's but this one is super cute, I swear. And he's sitting here all sad and alone and we can't have another dog and Isa is just going to cry and cry if we have to leave him here."

"Just a second," Lindsay chuckled, wanting to say yes but knowing she had to ask Adam first.

"What are you two planning?" Adam mumbled, still resting against her.

"Do we want a dog?"

"I don't know, do we?"

"It's little and house trained."

"Yeah, okay."

"Really?"

"No reason to say no."

She grinned and kissed the top of his head before uncovering the phone.

"Okay, bring it on over."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"You guys are awesome."

"We try."

"We'll be over in about an hour."

"Okay, we'll put newspaper down."

"Very funny."

"We'll see you in a little while."

She hung up the phone and turned back to Adam, smiling at how comfortable he seemed.

"You wanna pick up where we left off or have you lost interest?"

* * *

"Colt!" Isa hollered as she came through the door, the puppy in her arms but in danger of falling to the floor. "We brunged a puppy!"

"What?" Colton shouted back, coming out of his bedroom. "What puppy?"

"This one! We brunged it for you to have," she said proudly, shoving the dog at him. He looked at it for a second, then up at Lindsay who smiled.

"Mama, what this mean?"

"Isa brought you a puppy to have," she clarified, crouching down and patting the dog gently. "Do you want to hold it?"

"I don't know."

"I show you Colt. Jus' like a baby, 'cept like this," Isa said, moving his arms so he was holding the dog just right. "There, see? Hims happy."

Colton looked down at the dog and the dog looked at him and Lindsay suddenly worried that he would know this was a replacement for Fluffy and would hate it.

"Mama, we could name him Waligi?"

"Luigi you mean?"

"Yeah, Waligi."

"We'll see."

He nodded and stood there for a second.

"Now what?"

"Why don't you kids take him into the kitchen and play with him for a little while?"

"Okay. Come on, Isa. You teach me doggy games like with Elbis."

"Okay. Sarah, you come helpin' please."

Sarah smiled at being included and they all went into the kitchen.

"It's a boy right?" Lindsay asked, checking out the pink collar and leash and bowl that Austin had brought.

"Isa insisted on pink. Have you ever tried to say no to that face when she's really serious?"

"Usually I tell her to go ask you."

"Thanks Linds."

They smiled together and watched the kids play for a moment, all of them squealing in delight as the dog jumped on them.

"So where's Adam? Is he indifferent to a dog, or prepping Chewbacca for having a canine in the house?"

"No, he's in the other room. Ben's not feeling very good."

"Him coughin'," Colton offered. "And snottin'."

"Sounds lovely."

"Adam says it's genetics and I should be ashamed that I passed summer colds onto my children."

"Yes, but he passed along an addiction to Mt. Dew and I think that's far more damaging."

"Thanks for always being on my side."

"No problem. We should go. Gotta pick Danny up from work and then we're meeting his parents and my mom for dinner."

"Late birthday?"

"I guess something like that."

"Well have fun."

"We'll see. Come on girls. Time to go."

"Oh, but I could stay for longer?" Isa asked, pressing her hands together and making her eyes big as Sarah obediently headed for the door.

"No, we have to go."

Isa's shoulders fell and she sighed, looking over at Colton.

"I gotta go now. She bein' mean and sayin' no."

"Isabeth…"

"Bye Colt."

"Bye Isa. I love you, okay?"

"Okay."

Austin rolled her eyes at Lindsay and herded the kids out the door.

"Now what we do mama?"

"Well maybe we should play with him."

"What do doggies do?"

"They can do lots of things. Why don't we give him something to eat and drink and then maybe we'll take him for a walk."

"Okay," he agreed, watching the dog carefully, still not sure what to make of it. If it had been a big dog like Elvis, or Tim's dog Skywalker, he would have been totally in his element. But a dog the size of a cat? He was having a hard time figuring that one out.

He watched as Lindsay set the food dish on the opposite side of the kitchen from the cat food, then filled it from the small bag of kibble Sarah had brought inside.

"I could pet him?"

"No, not when he's eating. Just leave him alone for a little while and then you can play with him again."

"What are we callin' him?"

"I don't know. Let's ask daddy, he's got good names."

"He does?"

"He picked your name and Ben's name."

"I think daddy would pick Waligi."

"Well he might pick Luigi but I doubt he'd pick Waligi."

"I don't know what you sayin' mama."

"Oh well."

He shook his head and stood up, dusting his hands off on his pants.

"Hurry up and eat, dog so we can go outside."

The dog looked up at him, then went back to his food and Colton stood there monitoring the whole situation until the dog was done.

"Okay mama, now let's go outside."

"Go tell daddy where we're going."

He skipped off into the other room while she put the collar and leash on the small dog, taking a minute to really look at him and see if he hand an obvious injuries or signs of disease. He seemed to be just fine and she scratched his ears, then moved out of the way so he couldn't lick her face.

"I telled daddy, let's go now," Colton said, reaching down to Velcro his shoe.

He kept his hand in hers as they made their way downstairs, then skipped along the sidewalk to the park. She watched him with a smile staying close to him while he played on the slide but making sure the dog did his business too. She briefly wondered how she was going to juggle a preschooler, an infant, and a new dog, but she figured she'd done worse. It was all a part of this family life, the life she had wanted for so long, the life she and Adam worked every day to make as perfect as they could. No turning back now.


	125. Chapter 125

A/N: Super short chapter guys but if I had made it any longer, I would have had to change the rating. AHEM.

Daughter o'mine, thanks for writing that part for me. I lurve it. Almost as much as I love you. September. Putting a kibosh on the return flight methinks.

* * *

"What's a 'versary, mama?" Colton asked, tipping his head to the side and looking up at her while she wiped the oatmeal off of Ben's face.

"An anniversary is kind of like a birthday. It comes every year. Your birthday is the anniversary of the day you were born."

"You get presents on a 'versary?"

"Sometimes. Daddy and I aren't doing presents this time."

"What you gonna do?"

"We're just going to go out to dinner."

"That all?"

"We might do something else, we'll see."

"How long you been married to daddy?"

"Five years."

"I 'most four."

"I know."

"You been married then I born, huh?"

"Yeah."

He climbed up onto the rung of the chair and stood there for a second, contemplating what she'd said.

"Mama, when you knowed daddy?"

"What do you mean?"

"I knowed Isa all the days. But you didn't knowed daddy all the days 'cuz you live in Totana and he live in 'Zona."

"Yeah, we didn't meet each other until we were grown up. We both moved to New York and we met each other at work."

"When was that mama?"

"That was seven years ago."

"Seven is bigger than five."

"Yes it is."

"You not marry daddy fast?"

She chuckled and shook her head and tied Ben's shoe, then took him out of the high chair and let him stand next to a chair.

"No, daddy and I were just friends first. Then we dated, then we got married."

"Dated?"

"We were boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Like Mac and Jo?"

"Kind of the same but kind of different."

"Oh. You always love daddy?"

"Daddy was my best friend for a long time. And I loved him like that. And then it became a different kind of love."

"There's other kinds?" he asked, flabbergasted. Love was love and he didn't see why there should be any difference.

"Yeah, there's some different kinds."

"How?"

"You love Isa and Ben both right?"

"Yeah."

"You love Isa because she's your best friend but you love Ben because he's your brother. You can't love Isa for being your brother can you?"

"No!" he laughed. "Isa's a girl. She can't be no brother."

"See, you love them different."

"I love Chewy 'cuz hims my kitty and I love Qwerty 'cuz hims my doggy. Like that mama?"

"Yeah, kind of like that."

"So you love daddy 'cuz he your friend and then you love him 'cuz he your boyfriend and then you love him 'cuz he your hubband?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"Okay."

"It will make more sense when you're older."

"You always say when I older."

She smiled and finished cleaning up the kitchen, wondering if she was going to have time to get ready to go or not. Adam would be home in half an hour and she hated making him wait, even for a few minutes.

"Come on Ben, let's go play," Colton said, taking his brothers hand and tugging him towards their room. Ben let go of the chair and stood for a second before he took a step. He was getting so close to walking alone but still needed someone to hold his hand. Colton was patient and walked slowly beside him, not trying to pull him along or getting frustrated when Ben fell down. Lindsay grinned as she watched them toddle away already babbling to each other, lost in their imaginations.

* * *

Candlelight flickered with the beat of their words and soft laughter wrapped completely around them. They were essentially unaware of anyone else in the room and the rhythm of their banter was less than interrupted by the waiter who discreetly refilled their coffee several times after their food was gone. The subjects were light and inconsequential and they held hands across the table like a young couple madly in love, but also like an old couple deeply in comfort. His thumb grazed across her knuckles as he smiled at her and she blinked slowly back at him, an age old ritual of flirtation. It never seemed to get old, they could perform these dances thousands of times over and never get tired of them. His eyes drifted in the direction of the door and he cocked his head to the side in question. She nodded and they slid out of the booth, putting their coats on and heading out into the night. Their hands swung between them as they walked, feeling like the only two people in the world. She'd been worried about being alone when she first moved here, being by herself in a city of millions. Sure, she'd found her footing at the lab, but it wasn't until she'd found Adam that she had stopped feeling so isolated.

"Phase two?" he asked softly, dropping her hand and wrapping his arm around her shoulder instead. She hugged him back and kissed his cheek.

"I'm game if you are."

"I'm always game," he chuckled, leading her down the street and around the corner.

It had started out as a joke and the more they talked about it, the less of a joke it became, and the more she thought that a Sharpie tattoo wasn't going to cut it anymore. They'd both been inked on their own time and it wasn't a proclivity for either one of them, but this just seemed right. They'd actually waffled a few times on if they were going to do it, but finally she'd thrown her hands up and said "Well, are we or aren't we?" in such an exasperated tone that he could do nothing but laugh and tackle her onto the bed. Once they'd decided, that was it. They could have done it weeks ago, but there was something about making it an anniversary outing that made it more meaningful.

They entered the tattoo parlor giggling, her boots clicking on the floor. They'd made an appointment and pretty soon were seated in chairs next to each other. The finger tips of her right hand brushed those of his left as she reached across the empty space between them to take his hand. The needle didn't hurt so much as it bore a dull ache into her bones that was reminiscent of a horrible cramp but she craved his touch. It never failed to amaze her, even after five years, how one touch of his skin against hers could chase away any physical ailment. His eye caught hers and she saw the corner of his mouth turn up at the furrow of her brows. His thumb traced over the calluses that plagued her hands from years of rawhide braiding and she sighed.

"Adam."

"You okay?" he asked as his free hand tried to relieve the tension building in the carpals of her free wrist.

"Yeah," she nodded and watched as the artist replicated her husband's handwriting. "Peachy."

"Don't pass out on me."

"Me pass out on you? Dear, you're the one turnin' white."

He chuckled a little and shook his head.

"You knew I was a wimp when you fell in love with me."

"I was so tired of all those macho men," she teased, squeezing his hand. He smiled and leaned over to kiss her, but not pulling completely back when he broke it.

"You're almost done," he said, glancing down at the words across her skin.

"It's pretty small," she said, letting out a deep breath. "Good thing I'm not getting a tramp stamp."

He snorted a laugh.

"It wouldn't be bad. Kinda hot."

"I'm not Kat Von D," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Hallelujah."

She smiled then gave a tiny grunt as the needle went over a particularly sensitive spot.

"Babe?"

"I woulda chickened out if you went first," she breathed. "How did I do this the first time?"

"You were younger and pretending to be tough?"

"I think it was a shot of whiskey."

* * *

"Come on, I wanna see it," Adam begged as they stepped off the elevator. "It's been two hours, you can take the bandage off."

Lindsay grinned and reached into his pocket for the keys.

"It's all icky and so is yours."

"So?"

"So? I don't want you to see it until it's pretty. Let me wash it off. You're gonna want to touch it and that's just gross."

"You know me well," he said as the door swung open and they stepped inside.

"You can wash off in the kitchen and I'll wash off in the bathroom okay?"

"Alright. When did you tell Jo we'd pick up the boys?" he asked over his shoulder as she went into the bathroom.

"Tomorrow morning."

"Well what are we going to do until then?"

"Play Mario Kart… and other things."

"You're the only person in the world that finds Mario Kart to be an aphrodisiac."

"It might just be the guy I'm playin' with," she said in a sultry tone as she stepped out of the bathroom. He turned around and stared at her, the way the one light over the sink reflected in her eyes, how she leaned gently against the doorframe, the way her hair curled and framed her face and how her smile tugged on his heart. He walked over to her and kissed her gently, cradling her head in his hands and holding back from the intensity with which he really wanted to kiss her.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," she whispered, raising both eyebrows. He grinned and lifted his wrist so she could see it and she slowly brought hers up to the same level.

There was something so intimate about having each other's handwriting permanently on their skin and they both stood there silently for a moment, their eyes ranging over the words.

_I love you_

So simple, so true and so permanent, they both fleetingly wondered why they hadn't done this before. She looked up and met his eyes, smiling softly at how his breathing had quickened, nearly imperceptible to anyone else. She slid her hand up his shoulder and drew his lips to hers, nibbling gently before he stepped closer, pressing her up against the wall. She nearly moaned as their bodies came together as close as they could possibly be, his hands tightly on her hips and hers tangled in his short hair.

"You're beautiful," he said, his lips tickling over her neck and then up to tease her ear. She hummed gently and moved her hands so she could hold him tighter as her knees were already getting weak. He smiled at the effect he had on her, especially when her hand slid to the buttons on his shirt, undoing them quickly and trying to push the troublesome fabric off his shoulders. He chuckled and paused his own motions to help her, stopping to look into her eyes and say the things that never seemed right coming out of his mouth. She smiled, catching her breath again as his forehead touched hers, another point of heat between them.

"I love you," she said, husky voice breaking down the little bit of restraint he had left.

"I love you too," he managed to get out before they both sunk to the floor and forgot all the other plans they had had for the night.


	126. Chapter 126

"I finished getting prints off the burned fingers," Hawkes announced, coming into the conference room, holding the skull and a computer print out. "Computer's looking for a match now."

"Any DNA?" Mac asked.

"Running it now."

"The sticky reside we found was hair gel," Adam added. "Inexpensive, sold at hundreds of places around town. I found it in two places on the vic's shirt and no where else."

"Danny and Lindsay are back in the alley again, but did anyone else notice the steam pipes back there?" Jo asked shuffling through the crime scene photos. "See there. Is it possible the vic could have grabbed onto that hot pipe during the struggle? Maybe that's how her hands were burned. Sid said it was fresh."

"Hawkes, call Sid, have him document the size and shape of the burns and pull up any trace that he can. Then call Danny, have them document any steam pipes in the alley and swab all of them for DNA. It's possible the killer came into contact with it as well."

"On it."

"Adam, have you finished processing the vic's clothes?"

"Almost done. Not much so far, but I haven't got to the shoes yet."

"Let me know when you do," Mac said, a phrase of dismissal. Adam nodded and left the room, taking a quick detour in the break room to chug down a cup of coffee and call home. Faye answered and he could hear the boys playing in the background. He wished he was home with them instead of here, but there was not much to be done about that now.

"How're the boys doing?"

"They're just fine. I have no idea what this game is that they're playing but they seem to be enjoying it."

"Good. I'm going to try and be home early tonight, maybe around four."

"Alright. I'm going to take them for a walk after lunch and hopefully they'll both crash out after that."

"Fingers crossed. See you later."

They hung up and he went back into the lab, pulling the vic's clothes out of lock up and turning the black light on, making sure to swab every glowing patch on the jeans. It was tedious work, going over such things with a fine toothed comb, and before he knew it an hour was gone. His head pounded and his stomach was upset, but he wanted to finish with the shoes before taking a break. Sighing, he rolled his neck and went back to work, scraping dirt from the sole of the shoe and collecting it in a dish.

"Adam."

"Yeah boss?"

"Secure this evidence."

Mac's voice was tight and Adam spun around, wondering what he could have done wrong.

"What?"

"Secure the evidence," he ordered again. Adam did as asked, quickly, but confused.

"Boss, what's-"

"You need to get down to the hospital. Something's happened, Lindsay and Danny are there now."

"What?"

"Go."

That was all the urging he need and he jumped up from the light table and ran down to the parking garage, not even bothering to grab his coat. Austin was down in the lobby, apparently coming to find him, and they wordlessly made their way to the car, jumping inside and peeling out of the space, not bothering with seatbelts.

"What happened?" he asked, hoping she would have more answers.

"I don't know. Jess called and said Danny had called for backup and an ambulance and then they couldn't get him back after that."

Austin was as frantic as he was and that seemed to calm him a bit, unless he looked directly at her. He'd never seen her more haunted and for just a moment he forgot his own worry and wondered if she was going to make it. She seemed to be almost swaying in the seat next to him as he sped towards the hospital and he finally reached over to give her hand a squeeze.

They arrived at the hospital and parked in a spot that probably wasn't meant for parking, and ran inside the Emergency room. It took them a few minutes to even find the front desk and by the time they did, Danny was walking down the hall towards them. He had blood on his jeans and his shirt was ripped but Austin ran to him anyway.

"Danny! I thought you… we were… are you…?"

"I'm fine," he managed, softly. "I'm fine."

"Where's Lindsay?" Adam asked, afraid of the answer.

"Surgery. They took her up a few minutes ago. They won't tell me anything."

It felt like a punch to the gut and Adam stumbled over to a chair to sit down and get his breath back while Austin begged Danny to tell her what happened.

"We went back to that alley," he started, his voice strained. "Guess we weren't paying attention too good. The perp must have come back for some reason and he grabbed her and… it happened so fast, I didn't even have time to… he had a knife. He got her right in the side and she just fell and he took off and I called for an ambulance and… I don't really remember."

Adam didn't want to hear anymore anyway and jumped up from the chair, stalking to the elevator and punching the buttons for the 8th floor. He stepped inside when it arrived, hitting the button to close the door, then pacing until it arrived at the surgical ward. The nurse at the desk was polite despite his demands to know where Lindsay was and his yelling that she shouldn't be doing this job if she didn't know where patients were at any given time. She assured him the doctor would be out shortly, then directed him to the waiting room, where he paced back and forth, not sure what to do at this point. He was vaguely aware of Danny and Austin joining him and sitting across the room. He didn't care though, he just wanted some information, he needed to know how bad this was.

It felt like hours but it was probably only a few minutes before the doctor entered and cleared his throat.

"Where is she?" Adam asked after the doctor had introduced himself.

"She's still in surgery. The knife entered quite high and did a lot of damage to her liver, so we're trying to repair that now. She's lost a lot of blood and she's given us a few scares but she's stable for the moment."

He couldn't really give them much more information than that, and left after a few minutes.

_Lost a lot of blood, lost a lot of blood, lost a lot of blood._

It rang over and over again in Adam's ears, just as it had the first time when Colton was born and they weren't sure if Lindsay was going to make it or not. He felt sick but more than that, he felt anger snapping through his veins like a whip and he took it out on the first person he saw.

"You were supposed to protect her!" he shouted at Danny, knowing it wasn't his fault but having to blame someone. "You're supposed to have her back!"

"I know, I know! It happened so fast…"

"I trusted you. You're supposed to keep her safe and you didn't. This is your fault!"

"I know! I tried Adam, I tried."

He wanted to plow his friend into the wall and slap him around a little, but he couldn't do that, so instead he turned and rammed his fist into the plexi-glass vending machine. It hurt and he wanted to do it again, but there was a part of his brain that spoke in Lindsay's voice, telling him to stop and cool down because this wasn't helping anyone. Without another word he left the room.

* * *

He held her hand between his, elbows on his knees and lips grazing over her fingertips. The surgery was over but she had yet to wake up and he couldn't get over how cold she seemed. He knew it was from the blood loss, it would probably take a while before she felt warm again, but that didn't matter. She was okay. She was fine.

Austin sat on the opposite side of the bed, after taking Danny home to get cleaned up. Neither one of them had said a word so far, he was still embarrassed by his loss of control, and she was still slightly freaked out by it. She'd never seen him mad, not even annoyed and to see him like that had really shaken her. She knew why it had happened and didn't really blame him for it, but that hadn't made it any easier to watch.

"You know, this one time," Adam started, clearing his throat. "We had the radio on, and she asked who sang the song that was playing. And I told her I thought it was Hanson. She got the most horrified look on her face and she clutched at her heart and dropped to the floor like she was dead, except she kept her foot twitching. And I just stood there staring at her and she opened one eye and asked me why I didn't care that I had just killed her with pop music."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"That's Lindsay."

"She hates Hanson."

They smiled together for a moment, then fell back into silence, still not sure what to say to one another.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Danny did his best."

"I know he did. I don't doubt that. I just… I was scared, Aust."

"You scared me," she confessed, drawing one knee up onto the chair with her.

"I'm sorry."

"You're not supposed to do that. You're the one that always keeps his cool."

"I know. And I'm really sorry I did that and I'm even sorrier you had to see it. I know what that must have felt like."

"I measure myself by you, Adam. If you can snap then so can I. I don't like that."

"Austin. You're not going to snap. Sometimes though you have to let yourself get mad. It's not comfortable and I know you don't like doing it, but it's not wrong. It's people like us that hold it all in and we end up hurting ourselves and everyone else. Don't do that."

"Okay."

"You're not like he was, Austin. It's not genetic and it's not lying in wait. Okay?"

She nodded.

"And I'm sorry I did that."

"Okay."

They went back to silence for a while, not needing any other words. They both understood that part of each other better than their spouses did, and they didn't really need explanations or apologies. It was what it was and what it was, and that was all in the past. It couldn't touch either of them now, not unless they let it, and neither one were keen on letting that happen.

It was nearly another hour that they sat there, speaking occasionally but being quiet for the most part. Austin would have gone home but she just couldn't make herself leave until Lindsay woke up. She was worried about Danny, knowing he was feeling guilty, but also knowing that he needed some time to get his equilibrium back. It would be better for him to just sit with the kids for a while, get his mind together and then have her come home.

"Hey Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"How scared were you before? Scale of one to ten."

"Fifty."

"Enough to ask her to stay out of the field?"

"I'm not sure. The thought's definitely crossed my mind. Probably not very fair to ask that of her, is it?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"That's one place where she and I are different. She could be in the lab or out in the field and it wouldn't matter because she was doing her job. I feel like I'm slacking if I'm just at the precinct. That's not to say that if Danny asked me to stay behind a desk I wouldn't at least give him the courtesy of thinking about it. But Lindsay… I don't know Adam, I think if it's something you feel strongly about she would do it. Especially after this. She doesn't make stupid decisions and she's good about staying safe, but sometimes things happen."

"I know. I just don't know if I could go through this again. I don't know if she could."

"I have no advice to give you there. I do know that she'll listen to you though. She's not going to ignore what you're saying if she doesn't want to hear it."

"She does give me the benefit of the doubt quite a lot."

"You're spoiled."

"Hey, so is she!" he said with a grin.

"Yes, we do tease her mercilessly about it."

Adam smiled.

"I don't know what she'd do without you, Aust."

"Adam, she'd be fine."

"Why do you two always act like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like you aren't as close as you are. You always act like she doesn't need you and she acts like you don't need her but you would both be lost without each other."

"I would be. She… she's stronger than I am, Adam."

"I don't know about that. I don't think she could go through losing someone again. Especially not you."

"I'm pretty sure it will end me if something like this ever happens again."

"You're not the only one."

"Shuddup," Lindsay croaked suddenly. "Tryna sleep."

"And she's back," Austin chuckled, squeezing her hand.

"Hey darlin'," Adam said softly, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "You okay?"

"I dunno, you both got that look."

He grinned.

"On drugs and you're still like this."

"I'm going to go find the doctor," Austin said, excusing herself and slipping out of the room.

"Adam, what happened?"

"You don't remember?"

She closed her eyes tightly and tried to recall what happened, but there were only little snippets. She remembered pain and sirens and that was about it.

"Is Danny alright?"

"Yeah, he's fine."

She nodded and let out a deep breath.

"It hurts."

"I know sweetie. The doctor will be in soon."

"How bad is it?"

"You're going to have a really cool scar."

"Adam."

"No lasting effects, honey. They patched you up just fine, you'll be back to fighting crime before you know it."

She gave a wry smile as he brushed her hair back from her face.

"You're okay. You're okay."

He was saying it more for himself than for her, and she squeezed his hand even though the simple motion ached.

"I'm okay."

The door opened and the doctor stepped inside, quickly going over the extent of the injury, projected recovery time and then apologizing for not having the time to talk to her as he was on his way to an emergency surgery. Lindsay didn't really mind, she was only half coherent anyway.

"I'd better go," Austin said, raking her hair away from her face.

"Thanks for stayin'."

"Young lady don't you ever do that again, okay?"

"I'll do my best."

They gave each other's hands a squeeze and a look that said they would talk more later, and Austin left again.

"Where are the boys?"

"Jo went over there to stay with them."

"Are they alright?"

"I called a couple hours ago. Ben keeps asking for us and Colton… he's pretty worried."

"Why?"

"The last time someone in our family went to the doctor they didn't come back."

"Oh."

He moved from the chair to the bed, being careful not to jostle her too much.

"You want to call them now?"

"Yeah, please."

He picked the phone up off the bedside table and dialed the number, tracing his finger over the lines on her hand as he did it.

"Hey Jo, it's Adam… Yeah, she's awake, she wants to talk to Colton… Okay, just a sec."

He handed the phone to her, then just helped her hold it since it hurt to move her arm that way.

"Mama?"

"Hey baby."

"Mama, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just fine."

"You coming home? Please?"

"I can't come home tonight baby. I need to rest and get better."

"But you can't sleep at the doctors!"

"I have to. I really want to come home but I just can't do that tonight."

He started crying, pitiful sobs that ripped through her chest and she wanted to jump out of this bed and run home and hold him.

"Mama please."

"Baby, I can't. But you can come and see me tomorrow, okay? I'm just fine, Colton, I promise."

"You not dyin'?"

"No, I'm not."

"Okay."

He hiccupped and she could tell he was wiping his eyes with his sleeve, just like she did.

"Buddy I need to go back to sleep now, but you be good for Jo and take care of your brother, okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you more mama."

"Goodnight buddy."

Adam hung the phone up and wiped her tears away.

"You should go home," she whispered. "It'll make him feel better."

"You want me to go home without you? Not a chance babe. I'm staying right here."

"I'm so tired."

"It's okay. Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up. And every day after that."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Hey Montana."

Lindsay looked up from the crossword puzzle she was doing and smiled.

"Hey."

"You're sittin' up, that's good right?"

"It's some kind of progress," she agreed as he sat down.

"How are you feeling?"

"I got a lot of drugs."

"Good."

"You?"

"No drugs."

"Danny."

"I'm fine. Feelin' a little guilty, but I'll get over that."

"You'd better. This isn't your fault."

"I know. I just feel like-"

"Danny stop it. If you hadn't been there, I would have died. Simple as that. You saved me. Don't ever sell yourself short on that."

"Alright, alright."

"Now, are you going to go and find that guy or are y'all waitin' for me to get out of this bed and do it?"

"I'm heading into work right now. He's gonna be a very unlucky guy when I get my hands on him, let me tell you."

"Video it for me."

"Done."

She smiled and he squeezed her hand.

"I gotta go, but Austin'll be in soon. She's on the phone with Flack."

"Okay."

"You be good, okay Montana?"

"I will."

"Love you."

"I love you too."

He left the room and she sighed, stretching as much as she could before it hurt. She'd woken up only an hour ago when Adam left to go home to the boys and she already wanted to go back to sleep. Getting well was exhausting.

"Mornin' butthead."

Lindsay snorted at Austin's greeting and put the crossword on the table beside her.

"Mornin' snot face."

"Still in that bed? Wimp."

"Shut it, Messer."

"Bored yet?"

"What do you think?"

"Well I am here to save the day," she said, plopping down in the chair and kicking her feet up on the metal bedframe.

"Ouch, don't jiggle me."

"Sorry. I brought you stuff."

"Contraband chocolate?"

"No, I don't want to hospitalize you further."

"But-"

"Liquid diet."

"Chocolate syrup?"

"Lindsay."

"Austin."

"Anyway, I brought you trash magazines so you can draw moustaches on Angelina Jolie. And I ran by your place and got your laptop and Monty Python DVDs. And a newspaper because I was at the stand anyway."

"You're the best best friend ever."

"I do what I can. So how are you feeling? Honestly, none of this "I'm fine" crap."

"I hurt everywhere and I'm nauseous and I'm tired and I really, really want a long shower."

"I'm sorry."

"Dem's da breaks man," she sighed, picking at a thread on the blanket. "Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

"If something ever happens to me, like really happens, will you take care of Adam and the boys?"

"Lindsay stop it."

"I'm serious right now. I have to know they'd be okay."

"You don't have to worry because it's not going to happen."

"Austin please," she said, a tear sliding down her cheek. "I have to know they would be okay. I have to. If they weren't, I-"

"Okay, okay. I'll take care of them, I promise," Austin said quickly. "You don't have to worry, they'd be fine."

"Thank you."

"I'm only obliging because you pulled out tears on me, lady. No more talking about dying, you got it?"

"I got it."

"Geez, bring the whole room down."

Lindsay snickered.

"Can I ask you just one more question?"

"Sure."

"Adam freaked out on Danny didn't he?"

"A little."

"Was it bad?"

"It was understandable. They talked later though. They're fine."

"Good. How long do you have?"

"As long as you want me. Danny's mom has the kids. She's taking them to the zoo."

"Brave woman."

"I swear she has twelve arms."

"You wanna watch the Lifetime channel with me then? Mock the bad movies?"

"Is there gonna be one on?"

"It's the Lifetime channel, Aust."

"Well then surf on."

Lindsay giggled and scooted over slowly and carefully, wincing a little when she moved too much.

"You okay?"

"Yep, I'm fine."

Austin grinned and sat down on the bed beside her and they both leaned back against the pillow.

"Ooh, is this the one where the husband is a cheater?" Lindsay asked excitedly.

"I think you have a ninety nine percent chance of being right."

"I'll take those odds."

"I'm gonna hug you now, tell me when it hurts."

"Never."


	127. Chapter 127

A/N: Sorry for such short chapters and far between lately. I've been exhausted and sitting in front of the computer makes it worse. I have jury duty coming up too but hopefully that won't be too bad. I still have plans for this, never fear!

* * *

"Mama! MAMA!" Colton shouted, bursting through the door and running towards her bed. "Lift me up!"

"I can't lift you honey," she said with a chuckle. "And use your library voice please."

"But I so happy," he reported, trying to climb up on the bed. "Daddy help me please."

Adam lifted him up and set him on Lindsay's good side, reminding him to be very careful because she was still hurting.

"You feeling better, mama?"

"Yeah, I'm feeling a lot better."

"When you coming home?"

"I'm not sure honey. Maybe tomorrow."

"Could I sleep here with you?"

"No, you have to go home with daddy. But don't worry about that now, okay?"

"Okay. Wanna know what me and Ben did today?"

"Yeah, what did you do?"

"Well first before daddy come home we was playin' play-doh with Jo. And Ben, he tried to eat some and Jo said "No, don't eat that it's toxic!" and Ben spit it out and Jo throwed it away a'cuz it was spitty. And then daddy come home and he make breakfast and we was watching cartoons and then a movie come on and we was watchin' it but it got too scary so daddy put the kibosh on it."

"He put the kibosh on it?"

"Yep that what him said. Then we was eatin' lunch and it was macaroni, and then Ben and daddy taked naps but I just read my books and then we come here to see you."

"Well it sounds like you had a long day already."

"Yeah, but I not tired. So can I see your owwie?"

She chuckled and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"No, not right now. It's all gross and it has a huge band-aid on it but maybe sometime."

"It hurt bad mama?" he asked, reaching up to pat her face while snuggling against her with his head on her shoulder.

"No, I've got lots of medicine."

"From the doctor?"

"Yes, from the doctor."

"So doctors is good still?"

"Yes, they are."

"Okay. So what you done today mama?"

"Austin came to see me and we watched movies for a little while and then she left and I took a nap and now here we are."

"I the only one that taked no nap today!" he exclaimed, feeling quite grown up and proud of himself.

"Yes you are, but you still need to be quiet."

By this time Ben was growing tired of exploring the room with Adam and reached out for her desperately, his eyes wide. She couldn't put him in her lap or on her bad side and she didn't really want to move Colton either. The dilemma brought tears to her eyes as she tried to figure out which son to hold. Adam solved the problem for her, sitting down on her bad side and having Colton crawl across the end of the bed and back up to him. Ben took Colton's spot and they were all soon happy again.

"Mama, can we watch Yo Gabba Gabba?"

"Who let you watch that?"

"Um well, Jo."

"Well if Jo doesn't mind that inane singing that's her deal but I'm not suffering through it."

"Well how 'bout somethin' else?" he asked, taking the remote from Adam and flipping through the channels. "I find somethin'."

Lindsay smiled as she watched him figure out the remote, aiming it at the TV and flipping through the channels until he found something colorful and animated.

"There we go. Ben wanna watch this?"

"Bo!" Ben agreed, nodding his head and sticking his thumb into his mouth.

"So how are you feeling?" Adam asked quietly, once the boys were completely entranced by the story playing out before them.

"I'm tired and sore but I really just want to go home."

"Did you talk to the doctor today?"

"He said no lifting over ten pounds for a week, no more than fifteen for two weeks and I'm not allowed to do the dishes or clean up after the kids or scrub the toilet-"

"Lindsay."

"Okay so he just said the lifting thing, but I'm supposed to be really careful about bending down too."

"Did he say when I can take you home?"

"Tomorrow if all my tests come back okay."

"Good. I don't like leaving you here."

"I'm fine here," she said softly as he twirled a strand of hair around her finger.

"You know how much I hate sleeping alone. I'm not looking forward to it."

"Me neither."

"I'll feel better once you're home. It's still kind of scary."

"I'm alright, Adam."

"I know, but for a while there you weren't."

She nodded and found his hand, squeezing it gently.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Can you not think about that for a while?"

"Why?"

"Because if you think about it now you're going to be really over protective and constantly asking me if I'm okay and that will just make me irritated."

"I irritate you when I love you?"

She snickered and shook her head.

"I'm just high maintenance."

"I can deal with that."

"You have to dude. Stuck forever."

* * *

The car ride was especially bumpy, the elevator seemed to have to stop at every floor and by they time she was finally home, she wanted to beg to go back to the hospital for some wonderful pain medication.

"Honey, you okay?" Adam asked, holding onto her shoulders and leaning down to look at her.

"It hurts really bad," she said, her voice strained and cracked. "I need to lay down."

"Okay, we're going inside. Do you want me to carry you?"

"No, I can walk."

They hurried through the door and closed it behind them, taking a moment to shed their coats.

"Mama's home!" Colton chirped from the table, waving his fork in delight as bits of his lunch went flying everywhere. "Jo, mama's home!"

"I know. And from the look on her face, I am betting your mama needs some peace and quiet."

"But I not seen her since yesterday."

"That doesn't mean you need to yell," Adam said softly, more in reminder than reprimand. "Let mama get settled and then you can come in and talk to her."

"Okay," Colton grumped, sitting back down to eat his lunch. Lindsay gave him a half smile, then let Adam half carry her into the bedroom. She winced when he lifted her onto the bed, gritting her teeth at the pain that shot through her side.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry," he said, slowly removing her shoes and drawing the quilt up over her.

"It's okay."

"Do you want me to run to the pharmacy and get your prescription filled?"

"Yes, please."

"Alright. I'll see if Jo will stay with the boys until I get back. Sit tight okay?"

"Okay."

He leaned down and kissed her forehead, noticing that it was a little warmer than he would have liked it to be.

"Do you remember what the doctor said about a fever?"

"I dunno."

"You've got one."

"It's probably just from moving around. I'm fine."

"Okay," he said, half convinced. "I'll be back in a little while."

She nodded and closed her eyes, breathing deeply to make the pain go away.

* * *

The boys spent the majority of the day snuggled up in bed beside her, watching movies and reading books and seeming perfectly happy to just be next to her for a while. She needed rest but she needed the boys even more. They kept fudging on bedtime until it was a whole hour later than normal and Adam decided to put them down, despite their cries for their mama.

He returned a few minutes later and found her half asleep, curled up in a position that couldn't have been comfortable, but had been easier to hold both boys. He leaned down and kissed her more awake, taking a second to look into her eyes before he said anything.

"I brought you a present."

"Oh did you?"

"Want to guess?"

"Chocolate?"

"No, not quite," he chuckled, pulling the DVD from behind his back.

"_Lost In Space_," she chuckled. "The one with Matt Le Blanc?"

"The one and only. I thought cinematic crap might make you feel better."

"Especially if I get to watch it with you."

He gave a half smile, then let his eyes drift down to her stomach.

"What?"

"We have to change your bandage."

"It hurts."

"I know, but if we don't change it, it'll get infected."

"Gross," she whined, wrinkling her nose.

"It'll only take me a minute."

"Okay," she agreed, knowing he would do his best not to hurt her.

He took the gauze and other wrappings off the side table, drawing in a deep breath before slowly gliding her shirt up over her skin. He didn't want to do this any more than she did and his fingers trembled lightly with fear. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, wishing he would hurry up and get it over with. She didn't like being taken care of like this, even by him. It wasn't a thing of vulnerability, it just wasn't comfortable.

He was suddenly still and quiet and she opened her eyes, finding him with his head bowed and his shoulders shaking.

"Adam?"

"It was so close," he whispered. "I almost lost you."

Her breath caught at his words and tears pounded against the back of her eyes. She knew it had been on his mind all day, but the gravity of the situation was hitting him harder now as he stared down at the very real wound that had almost taken her. She didn't know what to say, there were no reassurances that would work. She stayed silent as he finished what he was doing, the pain of it fading away as she watched him closely. He'd nearly slipped into stoicism by the time he was done, setting all the boxes and spools of tape back on the table before shutting the light off and climbing into bed on her good side. He wrapped his arms around her and carefully pulled her closer, nuzzling her hair and kissing her cheek before dropping his head to her shoulder and letting out the tears that had wanted to fall for so long.

"I love you so much," he said finally, the only words he could think of.

"I love you too."

"I couldn't do it, Linds."

"Do what?"

"Live without you."

"Yes you could," she said, swallowing hard at the idea. "You would have to."

He shook his head.

"I'd be so gone. I wouldn't know how to function. I would figure it out, I would have to for the boys but I just don't know how I could do it."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either," she sniffled, running her hand gently over his arm. "I think I would just be a zombie most of the time."

"I could never be with anyone else," he confessed, kissing her shoulder.

"What?"

"Linds if you were gone, I don't think I could ever love anyone again. Not the way I love you. And I would have to love someone that much to be with them."

"I wish I could tell you that I would want you to be happy and fall in love again but I'm too selfish. I would never be with anyone else either. I'd feel like I was cheating on you."

He gave her a wry smile, then sighed and tucked her under his chin.

"What if it was for the boys? To give them a father. Could you do it then?"

"They already have a father."

"I know that, but if I was gone tomorrow-"

"They don't need a substitute. They have grandfathers and uncles and no one could ever take your place in their lives. No matter what. I wouldn't bring someone into their life and into my life just because I think they need something. They would need me more than they would need that."

"What if it was you? They need their mother, but what if you were gone? I'd never want anyone else, but where do I find that mother figure for them?"

"It would be the same, Adam. We have family, we have friends. They would be okay. If it happened and you decided that they needed someone… I guess it's up to you then."

"Linds, I'm not asking you to tell me to marry someone else. I just don't know if I could give them the world if you're not there with me."

"You could Adam because you already do."

He sighed and wiped her tears away before taking care of his own.

"I would miss you so much. I miss you just thinking about it."

"It scares me," she admitted. "I'm always scared of losing people, but losing you… I can barely think about it."

"I'll let you go first," he said quietly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I won't make you go through that again. But you gotta promise not to leave me until we're really old."

"Like nine hundred."

He laughed and tipped her chin up, kissing her long and deep until all the fear retreated and he could just be happy she was home in one piece.

"So what do you think, time for a movie?"

"Yes."

He got off the bed and put the movie in the player then came back and they spent a few minutes adjusting how they were sitting until they were both comfortable. He kissed the top of her head and played with her fingers while she breathed through the little bit of pain that was still there.

"Matt Le Blanc is weird in this movie."

"There were three words too many in that sentence babe."

"That's what I was thinking as the words were coming out of my mouth."

He grinned and traced over the words on her wrist.

"Need some pain meds?"

"No."

"You're wincing and squinting."

"Yeah, because of this movie."

"Linds, you need something," he said, starting to get up. She grabbed his arm tightly and shook her head.

"If you get up then we're going to have to move again and that hurts worse."

"Sweetheart I can see in your eyes how much this hurts. Let me get up and help you."

"Okay."

"Sit up."

"It's not really that easy," she half laughed as he slowly moved her forward and then gently moved her back.

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault."

"I'll be right back."

She wrinkled her nose and stretched a little, wishing she could have a full out stretch from head to toe but knowing the kind of pain that would involve. It was almost worse than recovering from labor and delivery, but at least this time she didn't have to deal with lack of sleep as well.

"Your narcotics, miss," Adam said, returning to the room with her meds, a glass of water, and a towel draped over his arm.

"Don't make me laugh."

He handed her the medicine and she took it while he resumed his previous position.

"Thank you for takin' care of me."

"You're welcome, baby. Just don't let it happen again."

His half teasing earned a smile and a kiss. She couldn't promise that they would both be safe forever, but she could promise for now.


	128. Chapter 128

A/N: Someday, I really, really wish to have my own Colton and Ben.

* * *

"Our son sounds like a seal when he coughs," Adam noted, rinsing the last of the dinner dishes and handing them to Lindsay to dry.

"I know. He's sounded kind of funky all day but this is irritatingly high pitched," she agreed.

"I'll go check on him. Finish those dishes, missy."

"Whoa, someone's cruisin' for a bruisin'," she retorted.

"I sure hope so," he retorted with a flick of his eyebrow.

She snapped the dishtowel at him and he grinned before going into the other room.

"Hey Ben, you having some upper respiratory issues tonight?"

"He sound like a clown's nose, daddy," Colton mumbled, turning over and pulling his blankets up higher. "Waked me up."

"I know. Go back to sleep."

Colton grunted and was out in a matter of seconds, while Adam busied himself with wiping the snot off of Ben's face.

"Dada."

"Let's go see if mama's got some medicine, okay?"

Ben coughed in response, a high chirping cough that sounded like he'd sucked down some helium.

"Babe, I think we need to call the doctor. He's got a fever."

"We really just can't win can we?" she sighed, taking Ben from him and checking his forehead. "You were just fine when we put you to bed."

He wrinkled his nose and rested against her shoulder, coughing again.

"You know what that sounds like?" Lindsay sighed, patting his back.

"What?"

"Croup."

"That's bad isn't it?"

"It's not bad unless it gets worse."

"That's reassuring," he muttered, gently reaching over to stroke Ben's cheek.

"He'll be okay. Steam helps though, so if you want to find the humidifier, I'll take him in the bathroom and run the shower for a while."

"You're so calm."

"It's not a big deal, honey. It only lasts a couple days and there's hundreds of home remedies. All my nephews had it at some time or another."

"Okay, if you're sure he doesn't need the doctor."

"He doesn't. He's not having stridor, he has color in his cheeks and his fever isn't all that high. He's fine. Stop doing the daddy-worry dance."

"I'm allowed to worry a little."

"I know. Go find that humidifier."

"Alright," he agreed reluctantly. It was hard for him to see his family uncomfortable and he wanted to be able to fix it all.

"Let's go get all the yuckies out, Ben," Lindsay said, taking him into the bathroom. She left her voice light knowing how well he could sense her emotions and how he could get upset if he knew she was. The crying would lead to worse coughing and would exacerbate the illness and they really didn't need that.

She went into the bathroom and turned on the shower as hot as it would go, then closed the curtain and sat on the side of the tub with him, using a cold wet cloth to keep him from getting too warm. He wiped at his nose and grimaced, shaking his head when she tried to grab his now snotty hand to clean it off.

"You're all boy, aren't you bud?"

He sighed and leaned against her chest, sticking his thumb in his mouth and closing his eyes. The steam seemed to be helping, but she knew he could have another attack in the night and would need to sleep in their room just in case.

"Mama," he mumbled around his thumb. "Mama."

"I know you don't feel good, Benjamin. We'll get you better, I promise."

He coughed again and she rubbed his back, knowing that there was not a lot more she could do than what she was already doing.

Soon the hot water ran out and they had to leave the bathroom. He was half asleep and clinging to her so hard she barely had to hold him.

"I put the humidifier in our room. I didn't think we should put him in his own bed tonight."

"You'd be correct."

"I got some water for him, I guess we have to keep him hydrated."

"Oh yeah?"

"I googled."

She smiled and handed Ben to him.

"You go hydrate him and I'll change clothes and then we can go to bed."

He nodded and looked down at his son who was pretty much asleep by now.

"I'm glad mama knows what she's doin'," Adam whispered. "Because I sure as heck would have loaded you in the car and taken you to the emergency room by now. I guess that would have been what we call an overreaction."

Ben sniffled and sighed, sounding and looking very close to normal. Maybe he would be just fine after all.

* * *

Lindsay woke several hours later, alone in bed. Adam rarely left the bed in the night so she stood up and stretched, then headed out to the other room. He was standing at the window with Ben, both of them quietly breathing the night air. Adam rocked back and forth gently and Lindsay leaned against the wall watching them. Ben looked so calm and so safe and so tiny in Adam's arms that she had to remind herself he was almost a year old, not a newborn.

"Mama, hi," he croaked, spotting her over Adam's shoulder and reaching his chubby hand out for her.

"Hi baby. Did you get the coughs again?"

"He was going at it pretty good."

"Did I even wake up?"

"Yeah, but I made you go back to sleep. You have to work early."

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah. We tried the steam again but he wasn't really digging it, so I thought the cooler air might help."

"Seems to be working."

"Go back to bed, I've got it under control."

"You sure?"

"Yep, we're good here."

"Okay. Wake me up if you need me."

"I will. Goodnight babe."

"Night."

She kissed them both and went back to bed while they kept vigil by the window.

"Should we watch some TV, Ben? I bet there's something really trashy on. Or cartoons."

Ben gave him a smile and nodded, acknowledging that his dad was talking rather than agreeing with what he was saying. They sat down on the couch and Adam turned the TV on, finding old cartoons to zone out to while Ben wavered on the edge of sleep. He'd often had these quiet times with Colton, just the two of them together. He hadn't had as much opportunity for it with Ben and sometimes he felt like he didn't really know his son. He supposed part of it was that they were busier now, and another part was that Ben didn't talk and they couldn't have conversations like he could with Colton. The love wasn't different, he loved them both the same, but there was a different bond. Ben was more attached to Lindsay too, more apt to seek her out when he was hurt or wanted to be held. They had the same personality and he felt the same sense of calm with them both. It was just going to be different with the boys because they were different people. He would keep bonding to Ben, it would just be in way dissimilar to the way he bonded with Colton.

Either way, he had his sons and he loved them both more than he ever thought possible. Sometimes he wondered if he had had kids with someone other than Lindsay if he would have loved them this much. He was sure he would, but he knew that part of the reason he loved the boys so much is because they were part Lindsay too. It wasn't to say that having a child with someone you didn't love meant you didn't love the child, but he couldn't imagine it. He looked down at the boys and saw a perfect mix of him and Lindsay and every time, it made him love them all just a little bit more.

* * *

"Linds, why do you still knock?" Austin asked, opening the door with Junior on her hip and a half smirk on her face.

"Force of habit," Lindsay shrugged in return. "At least I eat out of your fridge without asking."

"At least I never go shopping so there's never anything in there for you to eat."

"Touche'."

"You want your kid back? Because I think we're keeping him."

"Can I exchange him for one of yours?"

"Nope."

"No deal Messer."

"Drat, I was banking on it."

"So I take it he behaved himself?"

"He helped with the lunch dishes. I wasn't even going to do them but he hopped up there and looked at me with those huge eyes. I couldn't say no."

"He's irresistible."

"Apparently Isa agrees with that statement because she demanded that he share her bed for naptime rather than sleep on the floor."

Lindsay raised her eyebrows.

"Quite the brazen little lady you have there. Wonder where she gets it."

"Shuddup, Ross."

Lindsay giggled.

"Are they still sleeping? Wait, dumb question, it's quiet in here."

"They've all been asleep for about a half hour. Coffee?"

"Yes please."

Austin poured them each a cup, then set Junior down to play. He looked up at her and Lindsay confusedly, then peeked around the corner.

"No, Ben's still not here," Austin said with a slight chuckle. "Go play with the dog."

He sighed and toddled off into the other room.

"Okay so I have to tell you something. I'm sworn to secrecy, but you're the other half of my brain so you must know too."

"I don't think a conversation has ever started out better," Lindsay chuckled. "Go on."

"Okay. You can't tell a soul, not even Adam."

"You're asking me to keep a secret from my husband?"

"I'm tellin' not asking."

"This had better be good."

"Oh yes, it's good. Flack is gonna be a daddy."

Lindsay nearly did a spit take across the kitchen.

"Are you joking?"

"Totally serious. They're not telling anyone yet, but of course Flack called Danny and Danny can't keep a secret to save his life."

"I'm so glad he can't."

"I'm so excited for them."

"Me too. I also am worried about Flack's ties."

"That's what I said!"

"We'll have to throw Jess a baby shower."

"She'll hate us for it."

"And secretly love it."

They chuckled together, finishing their coffee and ruminating on the future with so many NYPD babies running around. It was going to be loud and chaotic and they were certain no one would have it any other way.

"I'd better get Colton and go. I'm sure Adam's needing a break by now."

"Is Ben doing any better?"

"A little. Croup gets better during the day so I can't judge for sure, but Adam said he hasn't been coughing as much."

"Poor kid," Austin sympathized. "No wonder you're keeping Colton away from him."

"I definitely don't want two sick babies," Lindsay affirmed, standing up from the table and heading into the girls room.

Sarah was curled into a tiny ball in the middle of her bed, sleeping deeply and not making a peep. Isa and Colton however were a tangle of tiny limbs in Isa's bed and were both snoring like it was going out of style. Lindsay crouched down and wondered how to extract her son from his best friend without waking either of them.

"It's like Jenga and Don't Wake Daddy all in one," Austin whispered. "Ideas?"

"Um… maybe if we can pry their hands apart you can move her arm and then… I don't know, we might just have to douse them in cold water."

"I think Danny would be in favor of that."

Lindsay smirked and leaned down to kiss Colton's sleep sagged cheek. He grunted and opened his eyes, not quite sure where he was at first.

"Mama?"

"Hey. Wanna go home?"

"No. Stay with Isa."

"It's time to go."

"No," he whined, glaring at her. "Stay here."

"No," she whined back. "Go home."

"Stop it, mama."

"It's time to go."

"No takin' Colt, Indy," Isa grumped, sitting up and yawning. "Colt's mine."

"But-"

"NO!" Isa screamed, grabbing onto Colton's arm and glaring at Lindsay.

"Isabeth Grace, it's time for Colton to go home," Austin said, keeping her voice even.

"No, he stays here!"

"I know you want him to stay and I'm glad you love him that much, but it's time for him to go home."

"Indy's mean!" Isa shouted, clenching her fists. "Takin' my Colt away!"

"Isabeth, that is enough. You know better than to carry on like this. Now say sorry to Lindsay and bye to Colton so they can leave."

"I don't wanna!" she wailed, throwing herself against the bed. "Colt please stay here, please?"

"Not today. Maybe next time, but not if you're going to have a tantrum."

She hiccupped, her tiredness evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. Won't be bad 'gain."

"Thank you. Now say bye."

"Bye Colt. Love you."

"I love you Isa. I stay longer next time, 'kay. And you come to my house later."

"Okay," she agreed as he hugged her tightly.

"Now say sorry to Lindsay for yelling."

"Nope."

"Yes."

"No, I mad still."

"Isabeth."

Isa crossed her arms and stared Austin down and Lindsay would have laughed at the battle of wills had Isa not been in trouble. Colton's eyes were wide as he had never seen Isa in this much trouble before. It scared him to some degree, but at the same time he was in awe of her stubbornness.

"I say no," Isa spat, laying back down and covering herself with her blanket. She wasn't trying to be naughty, she'd just been woken in the middle of a nap and was majorly out of sorts. Austin was thrown for a loop, not having had to deal with this kind of disobedience before. Isa had her outbursts but never anything like this.

"I think we'll go," Lindsay said, not sure what else to do.

"Okay. Let me know if you need me to take the duder tomorrow."

"I will. Thanks. Come on Colton, let's go see daddy."

He slid his hand into hers and looked back at the lump of Isa under the covers.

"Bye, Sweet Thing."

She didn't respond and he sighed, looking up at Lindsay.

"Mama, why she so crazy?"

"Because she's a girl buddo."

* * *

"Ben get better," Colton sang, holding onto the bars of the crib and swaying back and forth. "We need to play cars. Stop coughin' too Benny. Don't be sick no more. I love you."

"Dude it's really nice of you to sing to your brother but you need to let him sleep so he can actually get better."

"I was singin' him to sleep daddy. Like mama does when I'm sick."

"I appreciate that. Let's go and play in the other room so we don't bother him, alright?"

"Okay," Colton sighed, giving Ben one last look before tromping out into the other room. Adam had the Legos out, spread all over the floor because Ben wasn't there to put them in his mouth. Colton jumped up and down in excitement and slid down to his knees, snapping pieces together before he was even settled.

"I'm gonna make a plane, daddy. It's gonna fly to China and get fortune cookies!"

"Really?"

"Yes. You want anything from China?"

"Nah, not this time."

"Mama! You want anything from China?" he shouted, even though she was sitting three feet away.

"No thanks, you go ahead and fill the plane with fortune cookies."

He nodded and flew his chunk of Legos around the room, zooming into the kitchen and back.

"Okay, the cookies is here. Who wants one? Mama?"

"I'd better not, I need to watch my figure."

Adam snickered and she shot him a look.

"The holidays are coming up!"

"Right, right."

"Maybe I will just let myself go then."

"Don't do that. I'd still love you but I'm also happy with how you are."

She rolled her eyes and he reached over to pinch her thigh.

"Ouch!"

"Just checking out the goods."

"Oh dear heavens," she sighed, shaking her head and pulling her legs up onto the couch. Adam chuckled and went back to his Lego creation. He loved to tease her almost as much as he loved to kiss her and based on how much he did the latter, the former was loved an awful lot.

"Daddy, are you making a gas station for my plane?"

"Um, sure, I guess it could be a gas station. What kind of fuel does the plane need?"

"Gas fuel, daddy. Not gas like toots, gas like in the car."

Lindsay snorted and raised her book to cover her face, not wanting Colton to know how amused she was. Sometimes if he caught them laughing at him, he would stop whatever he had been doing and get shy and Lindsay didn't want him to start being insecure in his own imaginings. She composed herself after a moment and lowered the book, just in time to see Colton using his teeth to take two Lego pieces apart.

"Hey, don't do that," she admonished, wrinkling her nose in disapproval.

"But it's stuck."

"What happened to that thing daddy got for you to use when they're stuck together?"

"Qwerty's chewin' on it," he said, pointing across the room.

"Qwerty!" Lindsay said, exasperated. The dog looked up at her happily, but his face soon fell as he realized that she wasn't pleased.

"Give me that… that thing."

Instead of dropping the Lego, Qwerty jumped up and took off into the kitchen, hiding underneath the table and growling playfully. She chased after him, reaching down to grab him but missing as he ran into the bedroom.

"I feel ridiculous yelling Qwerty all over the house," she huffed, peeking under the bed and finding two eyes staring back at her. "If we had just named you Silas like I wanted to."

He barked once then picked up the plastic toy and dashed out the other side of the bed.

"You stinkin' dog, get back here! I swear, Austin's gonna pay for this."

"Stinkin' dog," Colton laughed as Qwerty jumped across his lap and hid behind a chair.

"I give up," Lindsay said, flopping back onto the couch. "Choke on it."

Qwerty dropped the Lego and ran to the couch, jumping up on her and settling down against her chest.

"You're a jerk," she said, scratching him behind the ears despite herself. "I should kick you out the door."

"No mama, he's sayin' sorry. You gotta say it okay."

"You think that's how it works?"

"A'course."

"Alright dog, I won't be mad, but don't do it again."

"He promise he won't mama," Colton said matter-of-factly.

"Well as long as he promises."

"He do. Can we go wake up Ben now? I wanna play with him."

"No buddy, we need to let him sleep."

"But he's my brother!"

"I know that."

"I not played with him today, mama! He not play with nobody but daddy."

"Hey, is that so bad?"

"Brothers gotta play with brothers, that's what you say when I don't wanna play with him."

"Yeah, but we don't want you to catch what he's got. Maybe tomorrow he'll be better and then you two can play. Deal?"

"Okay," he sighed, half-heartedly building a car. "If I don't feel good, could I sleep in the big bed like Ben did last night?"

"Do you really feel bad or do you just want to sleep in the big bed?"

"Um, well… I don't know."

Lindsay smiled and reached over to brush her fingers through his hair.

"Maybe once Ben is all better you can sleep in the big bed one night. Okay?"

"Okay."

He went back to the Legos, helping Adam to build a castle, complete with a moat and a dragon. At least it was supposed to be a dragon. All Lindsay saw was every green Lego they owned piled together with possibly a tail coming out of one end.

It wasn't very long before Ben started crying from the other room and she got up, retrieving him from his crib and checking him for a fever. He didn't have one, but he needed some water anyway, so she took him to the kitchen and got a bottle. He sucked half of it down before taking a breath, then finished the other half a little slower. She put the bottle in the sink, then walked him slowly around the living room, shutting off every other light, hoping it would make the boys sleepy. Adam was laying on the floor almost asleep, while Colton sat on his chest and told him some story about being the king of the castle and Isa and Sarah being the queen and princess.

"Well if you're the king, where do me and mama live?" Adam asked on a yawn.

"Uh, you could live on the ceiling," he said, meaning the roof.

"Really? You don't go no other room for us?"

"Well I be sleepin' in the big room and the girls are sleepin' in the next big room. And there's a room for the horses and one for the soldiers, and one for the cook too. Also we have a TV room, and a room for coloring, and one for ping-pong, and also there's a room for Ben too."

"Geez, when I was little castles only had princesses in them."

"Daddy, when you finded mama, you had to rescue her from a castle, huh?"

"Well, uh…" Adam trailed off shooting a glance at Lindsay who was snickering. "I guess you could say that. I mean she was stuck in the lab most of the time."

"Was she trapped by Bowser or a mean stair mother?"

"You mean a step-mother? No, she wasn't really trapped. She was just all alone."

"No Bowser?"

"No Bowser."

"Daddy," he whispered. "Is that a'cuz you couldn't winned Bowser?"

"No, I could beat Bowser any day, especially when vying for the affections of your mama. Nah, I was just lucky I didn't have to go through all that. The only thing I really had to do is to convince your mama to fall in love with me."

"Was that a hard job?"

"Sometimes, but it was worth it. And now I got her for the rest of my life."

"That's a good story, daddy. Is you the king of this house and mama the queen?"

"Yep, and you're our little court jester."

Colton laughed and laid down on Adam's chest, sighing deeply.

"Daddy, I could live in this house castle with you and mama forever and ever 'til the cows come home?"

"You can live with us as long as you want buddy."

"And Ben too?"

"Ben too."

"Good. We stay together for all the days."

"Yeah buddy. All the days."


	129. Chapter 129

"It's a party day!" Colton shouted, pushing the bedroom door open and jumping onto the bed. "Wake up mama, it's almost time to go."

"It's not either. It's seven a.m.," she groaned, pointing at the clock. "And you kids stayed up late last night."

"You sayin' I gotta go back to bed? A'cuz I got the girls up already. They's eating Poptarts."

"How did you get Poptarts?"

"Me and Isa climb on the chair and I climb on the counter and I get the box and I give it to Isa and she give it to Sarah and then we climb down and I open the box and Isa use her teeth and open the wrapper and they eatin' Poptarts now."

"Well why do you need me to get up?"

"Because it's morning time."

"Why don't you wake daddy up instead?"

"Okay. Daddy!"

"Linds, I hate you," Adam grumbled.

"You went to bed two hours before I did."

"Fine."

He stretched and got out of bed, rubbing his eyes and dropping his pillow on Lindsay's head before following Colton out of the room.

"Mornin' girls. How was your sleep over?"

"I sleep under the bed," Sarah said, giving him a grin.

"Oooh, like the Batcave. Sweet," he said stealing a piece of Isa's Poptart.

"Hey Dum, that's mine!" she shouted, slapping his hand away playfully. He chuckled and stuck his tongue out at her while Sarah handed him half her Poptart.

"Here Adam. You share with Sarah."

"Aw, thanks squirt!"

"Daddy, I want oatmeal," Colton said, climbing up to the counter again. "Strawberry."

"You want me to make oatmeal?" Adam asked in theatrical shock.

"Yes please."

"Oh but I hate making oatmeal! I just hate it so much I could crumple up and die!"

The girls giggled and Colton sighed, one hand on his hip.

"Mama, daddy's being weird again."

"He's always weird," Lindsay replied from the bedroom.

"Him embarrassing."

"You think I'm embarrassing now? Just you wait bud."

Colton shook his head and climbed down from the counter, then joined the girls at the table.

"Sorry my daddy so strange."

"My daddy strange too," Isa offered. "That's what we always say."

"Yeah," Sarah agreed quietly.

"I think all daddies are strange," Lindsay said, yawning as she came into the room.

"A'mornin' Indy," Isa chirped, getting down from the table and wrapping her arms around Lindsay's legs.

"Mornin' little girl. You've got a Poptart sprinkle on your forehead."

Isa grinned and picked it off then popped it into her mouth.

"All gone. Time for the party now?"

"No, not for a few hours. We'll eat breakfast and take baths and change clothes and then we'll be ready," she answered, picking Isa up and kissing her cheek.

"Got time for cuddles?" Isa whispered with a quirk of her eyebrow.

"I always got time for cuddles with you."

Isa gave her a smile and wiggled back down to the floor.

"Coffee?" Adam asked, already filling the pot.

"The day has already been long, so yes please."

"I'll make extra."

"Thank you."

They were having a triple birthday for all the boys, with a huge train cake and lots of boy type decorations. Colton had asked for a few things for his birthday and Lindsay felt bad that he wouldn't have his own party, so she let him have the special treat of both the girls coming over to spend the night. He'd been so thrilled to have his best friends that he didn't seem to mind sharing his party with Ben and Junior. Of course they all wondered if it was bad that he thought it was normal for girls to spend the night with him, but he was still young so it didn't really matter.

"Auntie," Sarah said, tugging on Lindsay's hand.

"Yes angel face?"

"When daddy coming?"

"We're going to Jo's for the party in a few hours and he'll be there to take you home."

"Mommy too?"

"Yep, mommy too."

Sarah smiled and went back to her breakfast while Adam brought Ben into the room.

"Mama, hi!"

"Hi baby. Happy birthday."

He gave her a toothy grin and held his hands out for her, giggling when she blew a raspberry on his cheek.

"Do you know how old you are?"

He stretched his arms out as wide as he could, eyebrows raising happily.

"No Ben, that how big you are, not how old!" Colton admonished, shaking his head and standing up on his chair. "You is one years old. Just one. I four now and you is one."

Ben frowned and looked hard at the finger Colton was holding up.

"Whu?" he asked, sticking one finger up and wrinkling his forehead at Lindsay.

"That's right, one."

"One. One. One. Daddy, one."

"I know. Ask mama how many fingers she should hold up."

"Adam why are you pickin' on me?"

"Easy target."

"You'll pay buddy. And just remember you have to hold up four more fingers than I do."

"Why do you always remind me of that?"

* * *

"And they say boys are always waiting for girls," Lindsay said, shaking her head and watching the girls dance around the room while Adam tried to get the boys ready in the other room.

"You could help me you know."

"No way. I got the girls ready and cleaned up the kitchen. You can dress your sons."

He grunted and she flopped down on the couch, kicking her feet up onto the coffee table and wondering how late they were going to be. Isa climbed up with her and settled into her lap, sighing gently.

"It almost time to go?"

"Yeah, if uncle Adam can ever get his act together."

Isa giggled and opened the locket Lindsay wore.

"Indy?"

"Yeah?"

"A'member when I say you mean?"

"I remember."

"I sorry," she whispered, bowing her head. "You not mean. You my Indy. I sorry, sorry."

"I know, Isa. It's okay. You were upset and tired."

"My mama say I not talk like that a'cuz you love me."

"I do love you."

"Even when I naughty?"

"Even when you're naughty, little girl. Always."

"What 'bout when I yellin'?"

"Even then."

"When I cryin'?"

"Then too. I will always love you, Isa. No matter what."

"What if I be a bad guy and go to jail?"

"Always, Isabeth. No matter what I will always, always love you."

"Okay. I always love you too Indy."

"Good."

Isa smiled and tucked herself under Lindsay's chin, snuggling in as close as she could and being quiet and still just for a moment.

"Okay, we're dressed and ready to go and you're just in here bein' lazy on the couch," Adam huffed, coming out of the bedroom with the boys.

"I not lazy," Sarah said softly, holding up her book. "Readin'."

"Yeah, we's ready Dum, we's just waitin' for you gettin' your act together."

"You sound like you've been listening to your aunt Lindsay."

"Yup!"

He rolled his eyes and they got the kids into their coats, then out the door and buckled into the car in just a few minutes.

"Imagine if we had four kids for real."

"Adam, don't curse us."

"What? I thought you wanted a lot."

"I do, but I don't want them all now. Too much lifting."

"Plus they're loud," he said, turning the heat on while Colton and Isa chatted excitedly in the back.

"Yeah, pretty loud."

* * *

"This is madness!" Flack announced holding his plate of food up higher so he wouldn't spill it as the kids ran by, chasing Mac and begging him to give them airplane rides. Colton and Isa were neck and neck with Sarah just a step behind, while Ben and Junior toddled after them, trying so hard to keep up.

"Just wait until yours joins the mess," Austin chuckled. "That's when it's going to get crazy."

"My kid ain't hanging out with yours, Grace. No way, no how."

"You think my kids are so horrible? Bad influences?"

"No, I think you are."

She scoffed and chucked a birthday candle at him.

"You think Austin's the bad influence, dear?" Jess asked, raising an incredulous eyebrow. "I beg to differ."

"That's just your hormones talking."

He received four very feminine glares for that remark, and raised his hands in surrender, backing out of the room.

"Geez dude, you gotta train him better," Lindsay said with a lift of her eyebrow.

"I'm trying, I swear! He's just so stuck in his male ways. How in the world do you ever truly break a man?"

"The age old question springs up again," Jo chuckled, putting the finishing touches on the boys train cake. "It takes a lot of patience."

"And a lot of sex," Lindsay and Austin added in unison. Jess dropped her face to her hands and shook her head.

"I was just thinking that I would be lost without you, but then I had one of those moments where I just don't want to know."

"You'll come back around, Jess. You would be lost without us. Me and Lindsay already talked about all the stuff we need to tell you before you have this kid so you don't end up covered in pee or something."

"That really happens?"

"More than you would think. Especially with girls."

"What? No it doesn't."

"She knows what she's talking about," Lindsay said with a shrug. "Boys are easier to deflect because you're expecting it. Girls… they do it on purpose. Or maybe just Austin's girls do it on purpose."

"Very funny. But you're probably right. Don't worry, we'll teach you everything you need to know."

"You promise not to leave anything out?"

"Swear. Now if we were telling Flack, we'd leave a lot out. But we like you."

"Well I'm going to need all the help I can get."

"She says with such trepidation. Are you already freaking yourself out Jess?"

"I should be freaking out! And it's not… I mean, not just…" she stuttered, looking around warily. "It's not even one, it's two."

"Excuse me?" Jo asked, letting the spatula drop to the counter.

"We found out yesterday and we were going to wait to tell anyone but it's wiggin' me out guys."

"No. You're joking."

"I am not! Why would I joke about something like this? I'm going to be gigantic! And can you imagine the screaming and crying and tantrums and I'm just talking about Don."

They all just sat there in shock for a moment, not quite sure if this was real. Suddenly Austin burst into almost giddy laughter, covering her mouth and shaking her head.

"Oh Jess. You're so in for it."

"I'm done for is more like it."

"No you're not. You'll be fine. Once you have them it will all fall into place."

"You promise? Cuz I'm kind of scared to death."

"I promise. We all promise right?"

"Absolutely."

She let out almost a sigh of relief at that, letting her hand drop to her barely there baby bump.

"Jess, it's going to be the most fun you've ever had in your life," Jo assured, patting her hand. "Scary, yeah. But fun. I promise."

"Thanks guys."

Colton wandered into the room and silently climbed into Lindsay's lap, wrapping his arms around her neck and resting his head on her shoulder.

"What's the matter buddy?"

"Well I was thinkin' somethin'."

"What were you thinking?"

"Well um, on birthdays people always singin' that song. And I don't think I like that. It make me overwhelmed and my tummy sick."

"Do you want us to not sing?"

"If you singin', I hidin' under the table, 'kay?"

"What if we said you couldn't have cake unless we get to sing?" she teased.

"Then I don't want no cake mama. No cake at all."

"Okay, we won't sing."

He nodded and twirled her hair around his finger.

"Is we gonna have candles on the cake? A'cuz I don't think the little boys could blow them out. So maybe just I can have candles?"

"They'll have candles, but I think Austin and I will help them blow them out."

He nodded then sat up and looked at her, his eyes clouded with worry.

"Mama, I think maybe I not wanna be four."

"What? Why not?"

"Bein' four is too big to sit in your lap. I don't wanna be too big for that. I like it."

"You can always sit in my lap, buddy."

"But someday, I be big like daddy and then I not fit in your lap no more."

"Well that might be the case but I don't think you'll want to sit in your old mama's lap anymore."

"Yeah I will, mama."

"We'll see. But you don't worry about turning four, okay? You're still my baby boy."

"Okay mama. Time for cake now?"

"It is definitely time for cake," Jo said. "Can you go tell everyone to come into the kitchen?"

"Yep, I can do that," he said proudly sliding off of Lindsay's lap. "I a big man now a'course."

He ran into the other room happily, then stood still, his hands on his hips.

"Hey peoples! Time for cake!"

He returned a few moments later, dragging Ben and Junior who were grumpy at being taken hostage, but didn't really mind too much as they were headed for food anyway. Isa and Sarah followed behind them, walking on their tiptoes to see the cake, then whispering to each other about which piece they wanted. Lindsay and Austin picked up the boys who both squealed in delight and air swam for the cake, mostly because it was bright and smelled good.

"We'd better do this fast, the natives are restless," Austin said as Colton stood between them, silently counting the candles on his portion of the cake. He watched carefully as Mac leaned over to light the candles, then held his hands up suddenly.

"Wait, wait!" he said, trying not to get nervous as all eyes turned to him. "We not 'posed to light fires inside the house!"

"But we're going to blow it out," Lindsay explained, fighting Ben's kicking legs.

"That doesn't mean you can light a fire in the house and say you're going to blow it out," Adam added for good measure. "Speaking from experience, it doesn't work that way."

"Okay, we blow them out now a'fore the smoke detective goes! One, two, three, four!"

They blew all the candles out while Sarah and Isa stood next to them, chanting for cake. Mac made quick work of cutting the cake while Jo plated up the smaller pieces for the kids and moved them over to the card table. Ben and Junior dug into their own slices of cake making a mess rather than eating.

"I should have remembered this part and worn different clothes," Austin said, moving to rescue her pants from smashed cake.

"I was just thinking the same thing," Lindsay agreed, right before Ben turned around and patted her mouth with his frosting covered hand. She grimaced and found a napkin to clean up with while he giggled and slapped his hand back into the dessert.

* * *

It was several hours later, after everyone had eaten lunch and the kids were playing quietly on the floor while the dads helped Jo to clean up the party mess that the sugar finally wore off and two tired little boys completely crashed. They curled up against their mothers and were out for the count hopefully not to wake for a few hours until dinner time.

"I can't believe it's been a year already," Lindsay mused, inspecting Ben's hair for curls.

"I know. Or four years already for that matter."

"You know, I think it was exactly four years ago that you came to see Colton in the NICU. It was the day before we took him home."

"It seems like it was-"

"Yesterday," they said together, grinning.

"A year from now we're going to be talking about starting kindergarten."

"Don't remind me."

"Isa's been asking when she can go."

"Colton too. Why do they want to grow up?"

"I don't know. I certainly don't want them to. At least not all the time."

"I'm glad we're doing this together. It'd be awful without you."

"I agree. I don't dare think what it would be like if I was doing this on my own."

"I think I would be curled up in a ball somewhere."

"Thanks for bein' there, Linds. Not just for me, but for the kids. I don't know what it's going to be like as they get older, but I know they're going to need more than just me and Danny sometimes. And I'm glad they'll always have you and Adam."

"I'm glad my kids will always have you. You're the only two people in the world we trust completely and I'm including blood family in that."

"That means a lot."

"I know."

They smiled and were both about to say more, but were interrupted by the bigger kids climbing up on the couch between them.

"Read, please," Sarah requested, burrowing into Austin's side and smiling.

"I hold the book," Colton announced. "Isa you turn the page, and mama and Austin read it. Okay? Here we go."

They read a few pages normally, then started to do voices for all the characters, causing the kids to break into giggles and requests for "more please mama, so funny!"

"We need a picture of this for Stella," Jo said, coming into the room with her camera. She'd been snapping pictures for Stella all day long and probably had over fifty to send to New Orleans.

"For Gramma, for gramma!" Isa said, bouncing up and down. "Smile good for gramma!"

Jo chuckled and snapped the picture, then let Isa look at it on the screen.

"We look pretty good," she decided with a nod. "Gramma be happy 'bout it."

"We ready to go?" Danny asked as he and Adam came in the room, obviously tired from the clean up.

"Wait, don't move. You two sit down."

"What?"

"I said sit," Jo repeated, pointing to the ends of the couch. Danny and Adam gave each other long suffering looks and obeyed, sitting down next to their wives so the entire family was piled on the couch together. Jo snapped several pictures until the kids became restless and Danny begged her to stop.

"Okay fine, but you'll thank me someday."

"Yeah, yeah. Sentimental," Danny teased. Jo gave him a glare and he grinned back at her.

"He's trouble, I know," Austin said as they wrestled the kids into their coats. "I'm super close to breaking him of that."

"Remember what we said about breaking a man before."

"I don't need none of the second one I'm sure. Just a lot of the first."

The girls snorted in laughter while the guys shook their heads. It was no use fighting it anymore.

"Thanks for letting us have the party here, Jo."

"Easier this way. Plus I got to make Mac decorate. That was payment enough."

In a few minutes they were all out the door and into the night air, headed to their cars.

"Dinner on Wednesday?"

"We'll be there."

There were hugs and kisses exchanged between the kids before the families went their separate ways.


	130. Chapter 130

"I'm not mad," Lindsay clarified, shutting the lamp off and rolling over in bed. "I'm annoyed."

"Babe, there's not anything I can do about it now, so I don't see the point in being mad."

"I'm not mad," she repeated, stealing a glance at him over her shoulder.

"Then why are you turned the other direction and sleeping as far away from me as you can?"

She turned over to face him, cuddling up to him in her usual position.

"There, happy?"

"What is with you?"

"Just full of yuletide spirit."

"Linds, there's nothing I can do about it now. Someone has to work Christmas day."

"But why does it have to be you?" she asked, her tone almost accusatory while she narrowed her eyes at him. "You've worked every Christmas since we got married, even the ones when we had a newborn in the house. We've never spent an entire Christmas together and it's not fair."

"Okay, come on," he said, standing from the bed and holding his hand out to her.

"What?"

"We aren't allowed to fight in the bedroom so let's get out of here."

Sighing, she followed him, allowing some of the fire to dissipate. He sat on the couch and propped his feet up on the table, taking the stance furthest away from antagonistic that he could think of. She sunk down on the opposite end, drawing her knees up to her chest and sighing.

"Look hon, everyone else has family in town. People they see at Christmas. They have plans. We don't. Why should I be selfish and make someone else work and miss out on time with their family?"

"Okay, maybe that was okay when you were single, but what about me? What about the boys? Do we make any difference?"

"Of course you do! Sweetie, I just want things to be fair."

"Okay well last year Ben was like three weeks old and my parents were in town and you still worked. How was that fair?"

"Honey-"

"Can't I just be irritated at you?"

"You can be as irritated as you want, but you need to understand my side of this too. I was off work today, I said we could do Christmas earlier but you refused and said it wasn't the same unless it was really Christmas. I tried to give you a compromise and you didn't take it. I don't know what more I can do for you."

"It's just not fair."

"I didn't say it was. But you know, we get at least one vacation a year together, and most people don't."

"We're better planners."

"Maybe so, but don't you think they might think that's not fair?"

"Maybe. But it's just one day."

"You're exactly right. It's just one day."

She sighed and he scooted over, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head.

"Lindsay, when we got married, we knew this would happen sometimes. When we had kids we knew it would happen. Why are you surprised that it's happening?"

"Because it's every year, Adam. Every single year, you have worked at Christmas. Are we ever going to have a Christmas together, just the four of us? I'm just asking for one day. Just one."

"Sweetie, I can't do anything about this year. But I'll make a note of it for next year, okay?"

"Okay."

"I promise you, I won't work next Christmas."

"Alright."

"You might have to work, but-"

She pushed him away, a little smile curling up her lips.

"See, you weren't really that mad."

"Not mad really. I just feel like we haven't seen each other that much lately. Again."

"I know. It's not been very easy, has it?"

"No, it hasn't."

"You know it's just temporary. Things always go back to normal."

"Maybe I'm just selfish."

"I know you are."

She wrinkled her nose and he leaned down and kissed her.

"Linds, you know that I love you and the boys and I would rather be home than working, right?"

"I know that."

"Are you upset with me still?"

"No, I'm not. I promise."

"Are you upset in general?"

"I'm making a face at the world. Is that okay?"

"As long as it's not at me, you can make all the faces you want babe."

"Good."

"Now, let's go to bed so Santa can leave more presents."

Rolling her eyes she stood up and headed into the bedroom.

"I'm going to check on the boys and then I'll be in."

She nodded and crashed face first onto the bed, not even bothering to pull the blankets over herself. The last few days had been tiring and were starting to catch up with her. She really wanted to burrow under the covers and sleep until spring, but even a solid six hours would be welcome at this point.

"You must be exhausted," Adam commented, shutting off the other lamp and kneeling over her.

"Yup."

He lay down over her, gently so he wasn't crushing her but still able to be comfortable. She sighed softly as he kissed her neck and slid his hands down her arms where his fingers threaded through hers.

"I'm sorry, baby."

"Adam, you're right, there's nothing you can do about it."

"That's what I'm sorry for."

"It's okay. I'm sorry for being such a crank."

"Grumpy Gus."

She smiled as he sat up and started rubbing her shoulders, kneading at the little spots he knew were knotted.

"You really are sorry huh?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Random display of affection."

"I thought I was always affectionate," he said, swooping down to nibble her ear. She chuckled and jerked away.

"You are, but this is a little outside the bell curve."

"Well maybe I should change that."

"Maybe you should. You're really good at this. Or maybe you're just living in fear of my wrath."

"I might like your wrath," he whispered, pinching her side.

"Now, now, you behave yourself young man."

"You make that awful difficult, little lady."

"You just watch where that hand is going, buster."

He chuckled and reached around to tickle the back of her knee and she yelped in surprise, as he leaned down to kiss her.

"Forget about it, you're not gettin' any," she mumbled around his lips.

He laughed and released her, settling back onto the bed and opening his arms as she moved over to him.

"I love you, babe."

"I love you too."

* * *

"So what we gonna do while daddy's gone?" Colton asked, looking from the door to Lindsay.

"I don't know buddy. Whatever we want."

"Can we play daddy's video games? Like the guitar one? You play Rockband with me mama?"

"I think so. Let's wait until Ben wakes up from his nap, okay?"

"I wish he would hurry up."

"Do you want to help me make cookies while we wait?"

"Yep. What kind could we make?"

"Whatever you want."

"Oatmeal with raisins in it?"

"That sounds good. Can you get the magic popcorn bowl out?"

"We gonna have popcorn too?"

"No, I'm gonna use it to mix the cookies."

"But… daddy say that magic popcorn bowl is magic for popcorn. Popcorn, mama. Not cookies."

"Well I know that but it's magic because it doubles as a mixing bowl."

"But it gots popcorn in its name, mama."

"I know that. Can you hand it to me anyway?"

He sighed and got it out of the cupboard, handing it to her with trepidation.

"I don't know why you gots to use the magic popcorn bowl for darn cookies anyway."

She bit back a laugh and set him on the counter so he could retrieve the oatmeal and raisins while she gathered everything else.

"Can I crack them eggs please? I do it right over the bowl and I be careful. Not like daddy. He not careful sometimes. He drop the eggs on the floor. Then Qwerty lick it all up and daddy say not to tell mama and… oops. I telled mama," he said, clapping his hand over his mouth.

"That's okay. I won't tell daddy you told me."

"Phew," he said dramatically, wiping his forehead. "Hard job keepin' secrets."

"Yeah, sometimes it is."

"You got secrets, mama?"

"I don't know if I should tell you. You just said it was a hard job keepin' secrets."

"But I could keep your secret, mama."

"Well, just between you and me," she said, looking around the room as if there were ears everywhere. "I sometimes sneak out of bed at night and raid the fridge."

"You do! But don't you get in trouble mama?"

"Not unless daddy finds out."

"I not tell him, mama. I keep my lips zipped and throw 'way the key, okay?"

"Okay."

He giggled and she helped him crack the eggs into the bowl and add the rest of the ingredients. She stirred them all together while he carefully dropped handfuls of raisins into the measuring cup until he had enough.

"Now we put them on the pan, right?"

"Yep. Do you want to use daddy's special spoon?" she asked, handing him the cookie dropper.

"Yes please. I make perfecter cookies that way."

She smiled as she watched him determinedly scoop up dough and drop it onto the cookie sheet. She wanted to rearrange them into nice rows, but he was so proud and having so much fun she decided to leave them where they were.

"Not enough left for one more cookie, mama," he said, showing her the little bit left in the bowl.

"You know what that means."

"Eat it!"

He pulled the little bit of dough out and handed her half, then popped the other half into his mouth.

"We make good cookies, mama."

"Yes we do."

He smiled and reached up to wrap his arms around her neck, then kissed her soundly.

"I love you, my mama."

"I love you too, my Colton."

They stayed that way for a few moments until he sighed and looked down at the cookies.

"They ain't gonna bake themselves, huh? We gotta get them hot in the oven."

"Yes we do."  
The second she closed the oven and set the timer the phone rang and Colton clambered off the counter to get it.

"Hi, this is Colton and this is my mama's phone. Who are you? … Hi Isa! What you doing? … Is you gonna get more presents over there? … Well daddy goed to work and me and mama is makin' cookies and then we's gonna play Rockband when Ben wakes up. Hey, did you like the present I got you? … Yep, I picked it out all myself and I buyed it with the pennies I find on the floor… Okay, I talk at your face later… I love you too, and Sarah and Junior and your mama and daddy… Bye Sweet Thing."

He slid he phone shut and sighed.

"Isa's goin' see her grama and grampa and all them. And she say she love you and daddy and Ben. Can I go see her tomorrow?"

"No, not tomorrow. But we'll see her the day after that, okay?"

"I cannot wait that long mama."

"Maybe you can Skype tomorrow."

"Skypin' when Isa in the computer, right?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Like when we talk to Auntie Hannah or granna and papa?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"Okay. I still sad we not seein' her tomorrow, so I need a squeeze hug now."

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him, squeezing until he laughed.

"Can Ben get awake now?"

"If he's not awake by the time the cookies come out I'll go get him."

"Okay. I will go set up the game all by myself like daddy teached me and then it will be all ready. I will play the guitar and you will play the drums and we won't do singin' cuz Ben breaked the mic."

"He did?"

"Yup, bury it in the plant."

"Wonderful. What did daddy say?"

"Daddy say a swear and then she shaked his head and say none of us good at singin' anyway 'cept you and you don't do it none."

"Well that's fairly accurate," she chuckled, thinking of Adam's singing voice.

"Cookies is beepin', we better get them 'fore they burn."

"I'll get them, you set up your game."

"It's a dealio, mama."

She pulled the cookies out of the oven and let them cool on the counter while she went to check on Ben. He was sitting in the corner of his crib playing with his stuffed animals and looking pretty happy.

"Hey chubbles. You ready to get up?"

"Up, mama."

She lifted him out of the crib, smiling when he rested his head on her chest and sighed.

"I love you, Ben."

He gave her a grin and she kissed his cheek, deeply breathing in his baby scent.

"You have the most kissable cheeks when you wake up, Benners. Wanna come and play with me and brother?"

"Bo bo!" he shouted, clapping his hands. "Dada?"

"Dada's still at work, but we're going to play Rockband. Wanna come?"

He nodded his head seriously and wiggled down to the floor and took off in search of his brother.

"Bo bo!"

"I here, Ben. I just fixin' my guitar strap. Me and mama are gonna play but we don't go no 'truments for you to play on."

Ben sighed and picked up a drumstick, handing it to Lindsay.

"Thanks bud. Alright, who are we gonna rock out with tonight?"

"Smash Mouth first and then you can pick."

"It's a deal."

They started the song up and played it through while Ben jumped around and hollered in time with the music. Colton wasn't that great at it, but he knew what to do, it was just a matter of moving his little hands fast enough. Lindsay's drumming skills left Adam's in the dust, but that really didn't say much.

"It's too hot in here," Colton announced when the song was over. He stripped his shirt off and threw it on the floor, then took a second to check out his muscles before stepping out of his pants.

"Yeah, now you look like a real rockstar," Lindsay chuckled.

"I ready to rock now. You pick, mama."

She scrolled through the song list until she found one she liked, while Colton climbed onto the couch.

"What are you doin'?"

"I wanna jump 'round like on the TV concerts."

"Okay. Don't fall."

They went through a pretty big set, at least ten songs and were all dancing around by the time the decided to be done. Lindsay collapsed onto the couch, feeling like she'd had a full work out. Colton giggled and tumbled down on top of her while Ben grabbed her hand and tried to pull her up.

"Ee, mama."

"You wanna eat? What if I don't wanna cook?"

Ben wrinkled his forehead at her while Colton laughed.

"You gotta cook mama. How else we gonna eat?"

"Well you've got me there. What should we have?"

"Lotsa food."

"So you're saying we should eat all the leftovers?"

"Oh, okay."

She smiled and pulled herself off the couch and before long both boys were quiet and eating.

"Mama, is it still Christmas?"

"Yes it is."

"Will daddy come home before Christmas is over?"

"No."

He sighed and twirled his fork around in his left over spaghetti.

"But I wanna play with him."

"I want to see him too, but sometimes daddy's gotta work. Sometimes I've gotta work. It may not be fun and it may not be fair, but that's life."

"Life don't make me happy, mama."

"I know."

"I guess I can play with daddy tomorrow."

"I guess so."

"Is it time for bed?"

"After a bath."

"Will daddy be home then?"

"No buddy. Not until late."

"Midnight huh?"

"Yep, midnight."

"I be way asleep by then."

"Hopefully so. Are you done eating?"

"Yeah, my tummy full."

"Okay. Let's go get you boys in the tub and then bed."

* * *

Adam returned home well after midnight, trying to be quiet as he locked the door behind him and made his way to the bedroom. He was exhausted from work and still feeling a little guilty about going at all and he really wanted to curl up next to Lindsay and fall into the kind of sleep that was almost impossible to wake up from. What he found when he stepped into the bedroom was enough to make him want to stand upright and stare for the next few hours.

There was a single lamp on and Lindsay and the boys were all asleep soundly. The book she had been reading them laid open in her lap, Ben was curled up next to her with his thumb in his mouth, while Colton had his hand tangled in Lindsay's hair. They seemed to all have been asleep for a while and they couldn't have all been comfortable, but he couldn't bring himself to move them. Instead he just stood there and took it in, his entire world before his very eyes.


	131. Chapter 131

A/N: I know the site was being a "B with an itch!" the other day and some of you might have missed chapter 129. Make sure to go back and read it… vital information was revealed within!

* * *

Adam pulled the bag of pretzels from the cupboard and set them on the counter while Lindsay sidestepped him to put an ice cube tray back in the freezer. She closed the freezer and moved a little so he could open the fridge to retrieve the summer sausage he'd picked up earlier that morning. He set it on the counter and she handed him a knife to cut the wrapper before she turned and grabbed a cup of applesauce and set it in front of Colton. Adam grabbed a cutting board and Lindsay handed him a plate and it wasn't until he went looking for the crackers that their rhythm was thrown off and they ran into each other.

"Hey babe," Adam said, forgetting the crackers and pulling her into his arms.

"Hey."

She slid her arms around his neck and smiled when his forehead met hers.

"What were we thinking when we invited everyone over here for New Years?"

"I think we were thinking it was our turn."

"Oh that."

She smiled and gave him a mischievous look before undoing the top button on his shirt and pressing a kiss to his chest.

"You think you can get away with that?"

"Yes," she whispered, trailing her lips up his neck, around his jaw, and everywhere except where he wanted her.

"You're an evil woman and you must be punished," he half growled, backing her up against the counter and kissing her as thoroughly as he could in front of young eyes. She upped the ante by hooking her fingers through his belt loops and drawing him closer. He had to press his hands to the counter to regain his balance and doing so only closed the last measure of space between them. He willed her not to move, or to fight him when he pulled away. They had people coming over and Colton was right there and this was really the wrong time for her to be acting like this.

"You guys makin' out again?" Austin said, herding her kids in the door.

"Yeah, we are. Go away so we can finish," Lindsay retorted.

"Linds, you're embarrassing your husband," Austin shot back.

"Adam?"

"I'm not takin' sides here, but it's time for you to go play hostess dear."

Lindsay grinned and patted his cheek.

"Sorry babe."

"Yeah, you will be."

"Your parents are disgusting," Austin muttered, leaning down to kiss the top of Colton's head.

"They is _always_ kissin'," he replied with a sigh. "All the time. You don't even know."

"Oh I don't huh?"

"No Austin, you gots no idea 'bout this."

"You're sassy like your mama today. What did you eat for breakfast?"

"Cold sketti," he shrugged, finishing off the applesauce and letting his spoon clatter to the table. "C'mon girls and Junior, I show you my new puzzle."

"Colton, be quiet, Ben's taking a nap!"

Her admonishment fell on deaf ears as the kids ran into the other room.

"Cold spaghetti? Sounds more like me than you," Austin noted.

"He wanted it and his daddy didn't feel like talking him out of it."

"I was picking my battles, at six in the morning," Adam said in defense. "And now I am getting out of here before you two start double nagging me."

"Oh whatever."

"I swear it's like having two wives."

"Get outta here," they chorused.

"Yeah, I'm just going to go clean up the other room."

He made a big show of rolling his eyes before he left and they giggled at his departure.

"Our husbands put up with a lot," Austin noted, opening the fridge and getting out the veggie tray.

"How did you know I wanted that?"

"Didn't you ask me?"

"I didn't say a word."

They stared at each other for a moment.

"You gotta get outta my head dude."

"It's scary in there anyway."

They smiled and Austin hopped up onto an empty part of the counter, popping a radish into her mouth.

"Why did I just do that?"

"I don't know but you're not hacking it up into my sink."

"Yeesh," Austin groaned, swallowing the vegetable, then going to the fridge for a can of Coke. "What was I thinking?"

"You were still in my head."

"Gross. Why would you put that on a veggie tray? Like, who eats that crap anyway?"

"Hawkes."

"We need to introduce him to Fried Fridays."

"We really should stop eating like that."

"Speak for yourself. I don't care how much weight I gain, as long as I had fun doin' it."

"And there's the Austin we know and love."

"Hey, speaking of me, how are you?"

Lindsay laughed and shook her head in amusement.

"I'm fine."

"Okay, but in all seriousness now."

"I'm fine, Aust."

"It's winter," she clarified, knowing the effect such a dark and cold season could have on her best friends frame of mind.

"I know. But it doesn't happen every year, and it's not happening this year. There's been days, but that's fairly normal. I'm okay."

"You'd better be," Austin said seriously, stopping to look her in the eye. "I worry about you."

"You don't have to. I'm okay. And if I wasn't, I would tell you."

"Okay."

"Thanks for asking. Adam never asks."

"Why not?"

Lindsay sighed and leaned against the counter, wrapping her arms around her waist.

"I think he's scared of what I might say. He's afraid it'll come back. He's afraid of losing me to it again. It's not that he doesn't care, it's that… it's my job to tell him and he's not going to give me the easy way out. And I think he doesn't want me to think that he's always looking at me like something's going to happen."

"You two are really good at avoiding things."

"Maybe at first, but we're good at talking it through later."

"Linds, do you ever feel like something's wrong with you?"

"No. I used to, but now I know it's not my fault and it's not something that's wrong, it's just something that's not completely right. I do worry about it happening to the boys and I wonder if they'll have to deal with it as much as I have, but I think if I'm honest about it and if they know what it is they'll be able to deal with it better."

Austin sighed and reached out to tug on Lindsay's hair.

"You know you can always tell me this stuff, right?"

"I know. And I do. Believe me, you know everything."

"Okay."

"Thanks for not… being scared by it or making me deal with it alone."

"Never. I'm always gonna be around, you can't get rid of me."

"I know."

"I think we've filled up our sappiness quota for the year."

"And then some."

They grinned together, knowing that for conversations like this, the sappiness quota would never quite be filled.

* * *

"I'm a pirate!" Colton shouted, brandishing his play sword and waving it in the air.

"I Isabeth Swan and I is the girl pirate!" Isa declared, her hands on her hips. "You Jack Sparrow?"

"Savvy!"

Sarah giggled as she watched them, almost more content with seeing it play out than trying to figure out which character she could play.

"C'mon Isabeth Swan, we gotsa get all the gold 'afore Captain Bobonose gives it to all hims pirates."

"You try wearin' a corset!" Isa replied, galloping off into the kitchen.

"Avast!" Colton hollered, following her with Sarah on his heels.

"Dead men don't tell no tales!" she added.

Lindsay and Austin looked at each other, raising their eyebrows and grinning.

"Obviously they've seen that movie one too many times."

They both looked over at Adam who held his hands up in innocence.

"You two go out to lunch for four hours, what was I supposed to do? I just wanted the screaming to stop!"

"You didn't think of a different movie?" Flack asked.

"It was either that or _Animal House_ and I didn't think their mothers would appreciate that."

"You guys own _Animal House_?" Austin asked, half shocked.

"Just because we own it doesn't mean we watch it."

"I'm kind of proud right now. I'd be prouder if you would come clean about knowing the entire Thriller dance."

"I do not know it!" Lindsay defended, crossing her arms. "I swear."

"You're a liar."

"Shut up, Messer. I've caught you singing to Britney Spears."

"I was reminiscing!"

"How do you and Danny deal with them?" Flack said with a raised eyebrow.

"We normally turn on EPSN and drown them out."

"Which we don't mind because we're usually talking about them anyway."

"And how."

Adam and Flack shook their heads in unison, and Flack looked towards the door.

"When are the rest of the guys getting here? I'm feeling outnumbered."

"Danny and Hawkes get off work at ten. One more hour of the female chatter."

"Hey, I haven't said a word!" Jess admonished.

"Nah, you're okay," Adam assured. "Besides, you're pregnant and would kill me if I said any different."

"Probably true," she granted, shrugging and turning back to Dick Clark.

Three pairs of feet ran across the room again, stopping in front of the couch. The kids all had sweet looks on their faces and Colton even put his hands behind his back and rocked back and forth, a full body version of the puppy dog face.

"Mama?"

"Colton?"

"Um, we's gonna stay up late, right?"

"Yeah, if you're good."

"So can we watch a movie in the big bed?"

"It's okay with me if it's okay with Austin."

"Austin, you can say yes please?"

"Yeah, that's fine with me," she said, reaching over to take the barrette out of Sarah's hair.

"Mama, can we watch like um, not a cartoon? Can we watch _Princess Bride_?"

"As you wish. Why don't you go get your jammies on first?"

"Well, I don't think so because I'm not going to bed yet of course."

"I know you're not, but in case you fall asleep, I don't have to change your clothes later. And you'll be more comfortable."

"But I would like to not be in my jammies," he said in the most diplomatic voice he could muster.

"Well I would like you to be and I trump you," she returned.

"But mama-"

"No buts," Adam cut in. "Mama asked you to do something and you need to go and do it."

"I don't want to," he said, raising his voice a little.

"Well that's too bad."

He stomped his foot and stared them down.

"I said no."

"Colton," Lindsay began, reaching for his arm to pull him closer so she could talk to him.

"You almost catched Jack Sparrow," he said, jerking his arm away and crossing it over his chest.

"You need to go to your room."

"No thanks. The girls is here so I can't do that right now."

"You most certainly can do that right now and you will."

"No," he said determinedly. "I will not."

"Colton," Adam warned in the most stern voice he had ever had to use on his son. "Go to your room."

"I am telling you no right now, okay?"

"That is not acceptable and you know it."

"Shut up, mama."

A hush fell over the room and Lindsay and Adam could do nothing but stare at their son, wondering where he had heard such a thing. Sure, they flung it at each other, but only in fun, never in a real argument. How had he known to use it like that? And more importantly, how in the world had their sweet little boy turned into an antagonistic, defiant, borderline brat?

"That's it," Adam said, feeling an anger that he had never felt before. "Go to your room right now."

Colton must have sensed the gravity of what he had said, because his chin quivered just a little before he stomped off into his room and slammed the door.

"What was that?"

"I have no idea," Lindsay said softly, squeezing Adam's hand and trying to relieve some of the tension she could feel building in him. They'd been lucky up until now, discipline had consisted of nothing more than reminders and time outs. Neither one of them had ever had the chance to really be mad at their son because it all seemed to pass fairly quickly. Adam had never had to worry about getting mad and lashing out, which he would never do, but didn't want to think about either. But intentional disobedience was totally new territory.

"I not like Colt when he bein' mean," Isa said, looking quite shocked herself. She had her moments, but nothing nearly as bad as what she had just witnessed. To say she was disappointed would have been fairly accurate.

"I'll go talk to him," Lindsay decided, standing up from the couch. She didn't really want to but someone had to and Adam was definitely not feeling confident enough to go through with it. She made her way into the bedroom and found Colton pacing the floor, and chewing on his finger. His head snapped up when she entered and he glared at her.

"I want my daddy."

"Well you've got me instead. Tough cookies."

"I'm not happy."

"Neither am I. Sit down."

Grudgingly he plopped down on his bed and looked up at her with wide eyes until she crouched down to his level.

"Now what was that all about?"

"I don't wanna wear my jammies."

"I understand that. But why did you use such rude words?"

"You makin' me mad, mama. You not listening to me."

"I was listening to you, but you're the kid and I'm the mama and if I tell you to do something you need to do it."

"But I don't wanna."

"There's a lot of things I don't want to do that I have to do. That doesn't matter. Daddy already talked to you about obeying us."

"But the girls is here."

"I don't care. They're already in their jammies anyway."

"I don't want to go to bed."

"I didn't say you had to. Maybe you weren't listening to me."

He crossed his arms and tried to breathe over the tears that were threatening.

"I just want my daddy!"

"Daddy's going to tell you the same thing I'm telling you."

"But I want him!" he wailed finally, throwing himself down on the bed. "He always gone workin' and he never playin' with me no more!"

Lindsay sighed as she realized what this was really about. She couldn't excuse what he had said and done, they had had too many conversations about how he was supposed to act and she didn't want to confuse him by saying it was all okay. But at the same time she knew where it was coming from, and it really didn't surprise her all that much. Adam had been working a lot, at least six days a week, and often times he didn't get home until the boys were asleep. She missed him too and often developed her own surly attitude when she hadn't spent enough time with him. He held them all together.

"Colton, I understand that you miss daddy. I really do. But that is no excuse for bad behavior. Do you know that?"

"Yes, I know. I just want my daddy."

She sighed and brushed his hair back from his face.

"Okay. Stay here."

Standing up, she went into the other room and crooked her finger at Adam.

"Linds, if he's-"

"He's not. He misses you."

"That's no excuse."

"I know that and he knows that, but I think you need to go in there and talk to him about it. Right now it's going to mean something coming from you. He doesn't want me."

"Okay," he sighed. "I'm just kind of… mad at him."

"I know. That's okay, no one ever said you can't be mad at your kid."

"The way he talked to you…"

"Don't worry about that right this minute. Just go in there and talk to him."

He nodded and she stretched up to kiss him softly before he went.

"Colton?"

"Daddy, I sorry. I not 'posed to talk like that. I done so much bad."

Adam leaned down and drew his son into his arms, holding him tightly and finding that the love and compassion far outweighed the spark of anger.

"I know you're sorry and we'll talk about that in a minute. Right now I need you to tell me what's bothering you."

"You always workin' daddy. All the time. We don't get to play like before. I gotta play dinosaurs all by myself 'cuz Ben's too little and mama don't know how. You always gone, daddy. You even love me?"

"Of course I love you. I love you and Ben and mama more than anything in the world. That doesn't change, no matter how much I work. Never. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry I've had to work so much. I don't want to but sometimes you just have to."

"Could I go to work with you?"

"No, we can't do that."

"But I could help you with your job. I could find fingerprints, daddy, I really could! I could help you and then we could be together and I not have to miss you no more!"

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"I wish we could do that son, but we can't. I want you to know that every time you miss me, I miss you too."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You have to work tomorrow?"

"No, I don't. Should we go and do something, just me and you?"

"Yeah! We could do that?"

"Yes we could."

"I'm very happy about that."

"Good. Now we need to talk about something else."

"How I bein' bad."

"Yeah. You know that was wrong, don't you?"

"Yes."

"I'm very upset by the way you talked to your mama. She didn't deserve that. It made me really mad because I love her so much and I don't like it when anyone treats her that way."

"I very sorry. I love mama too, I really promise."

"I know you do."

"What we gonna do, 'bout it?"

"I think first you're going to apologize to mama."

"And then be grounded huh?"

"Yes."

"For four days from the TV and the games?"

"I think that's fair."

Colton sighed.

"But what 'bout watchin' a movie with the girls?"

Adam balked a little at that. He knew it was best to carry out the consequence immediately, but it wasn't fair to punish Isa and Sarah by proxy.

"I'll tell you what. Tonight you can watch a movie with the girls like we promised. But tomorrow morning your punishment starts. It doesn't mean that what you did was okay, but sometimes we have to make exceptions."

"I can get my jammies on, then 'pologize to mama now."

"You do that. I'll send her in."

Colton nodded and rubbed at his eyes. He always hated apologizing and saying that he had done something wrong. It made his tummy hurt. But like daddy said, he had to be a man and own up to his mistakes, not matter how much he didn't like to.

"Hey buddy."

"Hi mama."

"Daddy said you have something to tell me."

"I sayin' I sorry for talkin' mean and sayin' the shut up words and for not havin' respect and for not obeyin'."

"I forgive you."

"I love you mama, I promise, really."

"I know you do, Colton. I know."

He sat up and launched himself into her arms, sniffling the last of his distress away. She kissed his head and rubbed his back and rocked him gently back and forth until he calmed back to normal.

"Okay, it's all over now. Let's get your jammies on and you can watch a movie with the girls."

They changed his clothes quickly and she went into the bedroom to put the movie in while he went to get the girls.

"You not gonna be mean no more, right Colt?" Isa asked, her hand on her hip.

"Right Colt?" Sarah echoed softly.

"I not be mean no more, I promise. Let's go watch the movie. And not be scared of the big rats or the six-fingered man."

Grinning, the girls followed him into the other room just as Lindsay was coming out.

"No jumping on the bed, you hear me?"

"Yes mama."

"We not jumpin' Indy!"

"I make sure, Auntie."

Lindsay snickered and sat down on the couch, pulling her legs up underneath her and leaning into Adam's side.

"You're a good daddy," she whispered.

He didn't respond, just gave her a half smile.

"You are, Adam. I swear. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."

She leaned up and kissed him, knowing that no matter what this new year brought them, they would still be just as happy, together, and in love as they were right now.


	132. Chapter 132

His feet crunched through the frozen snow as he walked, the wind whipping around him. The pancake breakfast sat like a brick in his stomach and he breathed deeply to keep it from coming back up. He hadn't planned on breakfast with his brother going in the direction it had, but after almost a year of knowing each other it felt like time to tell Tim the truth about their father. It had been hard to say it all and Tim had sat there, listening to the entire story, and for a moment Adam thought it would be alright. But then Tim hadn't believed him. Or maybe it wasn't disbelief so much as it was the inability to come to terms with it. Either way, Tim had shook his head, crossed his arms and said it didn't jive with the father he knew. Sure, his father had been distant emotionally, they rarely spoke even now, but he'd never been violent. Adam could understand how hard it was to hear, but at the same time, he had vaguely hoped that his brother would get it, that his brother would see it.

He jammed his hands deeper into his coat pockets, anger flashing through him as he thought of that day so many years ago. He'd finally plucked up the courage to tell someone. He still remembered the sound of the clock ticking on the wall, the cool veneer of his teacher's desk under his hands as he had waited for her to finish grading a paper. The classroom was quiet, he had stayed in during recess because he needed to say something and he couldn't keep it in anymore. He was doing it partly for himself, but also for his mother. Last night he'd seen his father push her. In fright, he had run back upstairs and hid under his bed, closing his eyes and reciting episode titles of _Superfriends: The Legendary Super Powers Show_ until the yelling had stopped.

He remembered the gentle way his teacher had spoken, asking him what was wrong, giving him her undivided attention. He'd stumbled over his words, nearly choking on them until they finally burbled forth. A sigh of relief had escaped him and for a moment he managed to cling to the hope that it was all over.

But instead of being his defender, his teacher had dismissed him. Told him he was making too much of a normal argument between his parents. Discounted his claims of his own abuse. He'd been too betrayed at that point to show her the bruises, and he wondered if he was weak like his father said, if he was making too much of something that wasn't a problem. Maybe every family was like this. And if they weren't maybe his father was right and he didn't deserve better.

He'd never spoken to anyone about it again, not his mother, his grandparents, even when the truth came out, he didn't say a word. Not until Lindsay, until he was entirely able to place his trust in her. She'd believed him without a second thought, without pity, without distancing herself.

But it didn't take away the doubts in himself. He remembered the way his father was, talking his way out of speeding tickets, charming everyone around him to the point where no one could believe such a man would ever treat his family that way. He told people that his son was trouble, impossible to discipline, how he was rebellious and always doing something wrong. Adam had always thought that was false, he was a good kid, he never did anything he wasn't supposed to. But on the other hand, he was always getting in trouble. He tried so hard to please his father, do whatever he could to make him happy, no matter how large the fire of hatred inside him had grown.

He'd been lied about and lied to so much that by the time he was nine years old he didn't trust anyone or anything. Not even his mother when it came down to it. She told him she loved him, but if that was true why did she let him get hurt? His grandparents said they loved him, but if that was true why didn't they rescue him? The truth, the only truth he could find in the midst of all the lies was that something was wrong with him, he wasn't worth anything, and that is why he was stuck in such a nightmare. The irony of it was that his father was the one to tell him that truth. Over and over and over again.

Now as an adult he knew the complexities of the situation, he understood that his mother loved him, even if she hadn't necessarily shown it the way he wanted her to. He knew he wasn't unlovable, he knew that he was a good man, he even had a little pride in himself for rising above what had befallen him.

But the human mind is hypocritical, and lets one believe two opposing things at the same time, truth or not. The logical side told him the truth, that he was not like his father, that he wasn't the things his father said, that he was worthy of love and home and family. The emotional side of his brain was still that child standing in the classroom all alone, with no one to rescue him or to even believe he needed rescuing.

He knew how unfair it was to listen to that side, but it was so much more comfortable to believe the worst. He knew that it bothered Lindsay, that she could spend so many years loving him, telling him how wonderful he was, showing him in so many ways that he was worthy, and yet that small part of him could take over and make him doubt it all. And that meant he had disappointed her, failed her, and he felt worthless again.

He trudged into work, leaning against the wall of the elevator and sighing, trying to clear his mind of the doubts he was having, trying not to go to the place where he started questioning the things Lindsay told him, questioning her word and throwing away trust in her because of his own discomforts. He was ruined and he was angry and he needed to be somewhere that truth was truth, things were black and white and there was no changing it.

He stepped off the elevator and entered the lab, quickly getting updated on cases and throwing himself into work, blocking out everything around him and focusing only on that which cannot lie. He barely spoke all morning unless he had to and even then he couldn't make more come out of his mouth than what was absolutely required. It was noticed but he didn't care.

It was after lunch when Austin came into the lab, crossing her arms and leaning against the table. She narrowed her eyes at him and cleared her throat until he looked up from what he was doing and sighed.

Austin was the one person in the world he had never distrusted, not even for a split second. He knew that honor should have gone to Lindsay, and it wasn't her fault that it didn't. Austin just had a way about her, never sugar coating, never putting on rose colored glasses. She would tell you the truth no matter how much it hurt, but she never did it in a way that was harmful. She understood, possibly more than anyone, how the things his father said stuck with him. He'd found a sister in her, someone who had been through it all and had come out on the other side stronger. They didn't discuss it much, but there was always that understanding.

"Dude," she started, raising an eyebrow. "What's your deal?"

He sighed and shook his head and she knew immediately what he was thinking about. The look in his eyes spoke volumes, volumes that she knew backwards and forwards.

"Most of the time it's okay. Sometimes it sucks."

"What happened?"

"I told my brother. He didn't really… he didn't believe me. Not entirely. I don't blame him you know, because it's so far out of line with what he knows. I get that. But it's just another person that doesn't believe me. Another person that thinks I'm a liar."

"You're not a liar, Adam. What happened really happened."

"I need to know the truth right now. What does Lindsay say about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the things she says to me, the good stuff… does she tell you those things about me too?"

"Are you asking me if your wife is a liar?"

"No. I mean, not really. I mean… I just want to know if she says things to placate me or not."

"She's never said a bad word about you. Never. Not even when you've been upset with each other. She thinks you're the most amazing man on the planet and that has never wavered. She doesn't just think it, she knows it. Adam, she knows you better than anyone and if she says all those things about you, then they're true. And it's not like she's just blinded by love. The rest of us see it too. We all know that you're as good as she says you are."

"But what about… he always said… I always believed…"

"Let me ask you a question. Do you think should never have been born?"

"No!"

"Do you think I'll never amount to anything?"

"Of course not!"

"Do you think that no one will ever love me?"

"Austin, you know that's not right."

"Do you think that the things your father said to you hold any more water than the things mine said to me?"

"Well…"

"Remember what we said about our fathers being cut from the same cloth? The one that came from the inner circles of hell?"

"We were being poetic that day."

"That cloth, Adam, it's full of liars. They lied to us. They manipulated us. They were weak and mean and full of anger and spite and they had nothing better to do than terrorize their children. They're nothing."

"I know that. I know it as well as I know anything, but I still can't get over it."

"Stop making the excuse that you can't get over it and just do it. Don't let him have that power over you."

"It's hard."

"Well duh! Do you think it's easy for Lindsay when she has to deal with the depression and the nightmares and the flashbacks?"

"No, it's not."

"But she does it because she wants to be better. She knows that it's not who she is. But she never knew that until she listened to you. You saved her from that, and if you never have believed anything good about yourself, if you never believed you were worth anything, that right there changes it all. Do you get what I'm saying?'

"Yeah. I get it. I really do."

"I'm not yelling at you, but I really hate to see you like this."

"I know."

"I get it, Adam, You know I do. I know it's hard, I know you hear it in your head when you least expect it, but you can't let yourself believe it anymore."

"I won't."

"Good. Now, where can I find this brother of yours and tell him a little truth?"

He chuckled.

"I think he'll come around. He just never thought about it before. My father never hit him."

"And once again, we're kindred spirits."

"Bad circumstances but I'll take it."

She smiled a little and pushed off of the table, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"No more of this nonsense, Adam Ross, do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

"Daddy's home!" Colton shouted, running across the room and grabbing onto Adam's leg. Ben followed suit, screaming happily and raising his arms to be picked up.

"Dada!"

He crouched down and pulled them both into his arms, getting in hugs and kisses where he could, while Colton jabbered on and on about his day and Ben echoed in grunts and shrieks. The joy they had in seeing him was completely unbridled, and he let himself revel in it instead of wondering why it existed.

"Where's your mama?" he asked, once their volume had lowered.

"In 'nere," Colton said, while Ben pointed to the bedroom. "Gettin' ready for work."

"I forgot she had to work today."

"Yup, in the afternoon after daddy gets home. That what she says."

"I guess we're just going to have a boys night then. What should we do?"

"Eat dinner and play in my room. I teachin' Ben all my cars. He cannot say Ferrari."

"I guess we'll just have to try again."

"Okay boys, mama's gotta go," Lindsay said, sliding into her coat.

Adam stood up and pulled her into his arms, feeling awful that she had to leave.

"Be safe baby."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too. Boys, give mama kisses."

She knelt down and giggled as they both showered her with wet, sloppy kisses and fierce hugs. Adam watched the way her eyes closed as she drank it all in, accepting it and cherishing it instead of letting herself feel unworthy of such a gift.

"Bye mama. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you in the morning. Be good for daddy."

"I do my best."

She smiled and ruffled his hair, then stood up and kissed Adam once more before she was gone.

"Well what do you think? Should I make dinner or order pizza?"

"What is you gonna make?"

"I can heat up leftovers."

"Then I think we need pizza. Lotsa olives."

"Okay."

"And daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I will do the dishes."

"There won't be any."

"I know!" Colton laughed, clapping his hands at his own joke. Adam chuckled and stood up, taking his coat off and hanging it by the door.

"Um, by the way, daddy… you could… if you want you could also pick me up too sometimes."

Adam chuckled and lifted him up, then carried both boys into the kitchen. Colton was at the age where he thought he was too old to be held all the time, but he still really wanted to be. Adam knew that the "daddy's" would soon turn to just "dad" and there wouldn't be as much hero worship as there was now. He had to remind himself to cherish the time while he could.

They spent the rest of the night playing together, wrestling on the floor, reading books and learning about dinosaurs and cars. The boys both crashed earlier than normal, leaving Adam with a feeling of accomplishment that they had really played hard. He tucked them both into Colton's bed- it was safer than the crib if Ben decided to escape- and went into the living room to drop on the couch.

He was feeling much better than he had this morning, and he stretched out on the couch and turned the TV on, finding it on the History channel. Lindsay must have been watching it last. He let it play for a while, then channel surfed until he landed on something mind numbing.

When it was quiet like this, when he'd spent so much time with the boys and life seemed wonderful, it was easy for him to dismiss the words of his father. It was even laughable that he ever believed them. The bad times were few and far between and it really didn't come to mind very often. Nights like this, he was just himself, adored daddy and beloved husband, something that his own father would never know. The thought gave him pause and for just a moment he felt pity on the man, but it passed soon enough. He had brought such a life on himself, could have turned it around at any point, but he hadn't. His decision, his outcome.

The next few hours passed fairly fast, right until the last hour before Lindsay would be home. He was craving the feel of her in his arms, the way her head would rest on his shoulder, how she so perfectly fit into his lap, how she would run her fingers through his hair and kiss him deeply, the way no one ever had before. If he really thought about it, everything had been a first with her. No other kiss had counted the first time his lips pressed to hers. The whispers in the night had been something completely new. Even their wedding night had been totally different, as if they had waited their entire lives instead of taking detours that they later regretted. He supposed that it was because his heart had never been in it before. He'd never loved anyone else this much, never to the point where it was almost unbearable.

Every little noise made his eyes drift to the door and he would sigh every time it was just the building settling or a figment of his imagination. He was actually getting a little disappointed by the time she actually did come home, and it took everything in him not to jump up and tackle her.

"Hey baby," she yawned, hanging her coat next to his and kicking her shoes off.

"Hey. How was work?"

She sighed and sat gently in his lap, snuggling in while he wrapped his arms securely around her.

"Same old, same old. I'm all squinty."

"Stuck with microscopes all day huh?"

"Yeah."

He crooked his finger under her chin and tipped her face up so he could kiss her. It was gentle and lazy and they both melted into it for several minutes, making up for regular kissing they had missed during the hours they were apart. It wasn't until they spent the entire day apart that they realized how much time they really spent being affectionate. It was more than even a handful of kisses and hugs and I love you's during the day, probably more like a handful an hour.

They pulled away after a moment, but only long enough to half catch their breath before she stretched up and captured his lips again. She smoothed her hands over his chest then ran them through his hair while he ran a finger up and down her spine until she shivered.

"I missed you today."

"Gee Linds. Couldn't tell."

She smiled and leaned into him, closing her eyes against his neck and just breathing for a while. She always felt so safe with him, so secure and she was sure he could protect her from anything, even harmful silences like cancer or heart attacks.

"How was breakfast this morning?"

"Eh."

"Just eh? What happened?"

"I told him."

"Didn't go so well I'm guessing," she sighed, sitting up a little so she could look at him.

"He didn't yell, he didn't really call me a liar, but I could tell he didn't believe me. Not entirely."

"Oh sweetie," she sighed, running her hand up and down his arm, the best calming technique she knew. "Are you alright?"

"I wasn't earlier, but I'm fine now. Everything always comes back I guess. I have to spend a lot of time convincing myself… I know it's hard for you to understand how I can still let those things get to me, but I don't understand it either. You can tell me things a hundred times and I still don't see them. I still have those days where I wonder why in the world you would love me so much. It's not so much that I doubt you love me, I just don't understand how you could."

"Adam, look in my eyes. Don't you see it? Can you not tell that the things I say to you, the things I think about you are right there in my eyes? It's all right there. And you have to let yourself believe it because if you don't then the boys are never going to believe it either. What your father did and said shouldn't dictate who you are. Because if it does, then you're not giving me everything that you are. And I know that's hard, I still struggle with it too. But we can't let any of it get in the way of us. We're more important than our fears and our doubts. That's part of the reason I fell in love with you, Adam. You've always been able to chase those things away. Tell me what I need to do to be that for you."

"Nothing, Linds. You do that already. You do it so well, but there's days when it just doesn't all connect. I have to be reminded."

"Are you going to let me remind you then?" she whispered, letting her breath tickle his ear. It had the desired affect and he grabbed her tiny hips, pulling her into a more intimate position.

"You can remind me all you want."

"I love you, Adam," she said, her eyes growing dark. "Trust me."

"I trust you, Lindsay. I love you."

* * *

The phone rang early the next morning and Adam groaned and rolled over to grab it. Lindsay whimpered and chased him, snuggling into his back and pressing a kiss to his shoulder while he answered.

"Hello?"

"Adam. It's Tim."

"Oh. Hi. Gimme a second."

He put the phone on hold and sat up, looking for something to cover up with.

"Linds."

"Hmm?"

"This isn't funny."

"I have no idea what you mean."

"Give me them."

"What incentive do I have?"

"Linds, my brother is on the phone. Give me my boxers."

She made doe eyes at him and he sighed, reaching under the covers to pry the boxers from her hand. She made a face and he put them on quickly, then kissed her before taking the phone and heading out to the other room.

"Hey, sorry about that."

"It's okay. I just wanted to call because… I felt bad about yesterday. I wasn't really receptive to the while thing and I'm sorry about that."

"It's okay. I wasn't really expecting much reception."

"I called dad."

Adam didn't know what to say about that, just stayed silent and waited for an explanation.

"He denied it. Not that I believe his denial, in fact it only made me believe you more. He got really mad, mad like I've never heard him before."

"Yeah, he does that."

"I guess he was never like that with me, so it was hard to… I don't know, I'm not good at this talking stuff."

"Me neither," Adam agreed. They were on the same page now. It didn't take much.

"So um… I'm testing out a new game this weekend. Wanna come?"

"Lindsay's working so I'll have to find someone to watch the boys but I think I can swing it."

"Sweet. Saturday afternoon. I'll call you later when I found out what time."

"Okay. Thanks man."

"Talk to you later."

He turned the phone off and went back into the bedroom and climbed back under the covers.

"Short conversation."

"Yeah, we're guys."

She chuckled as he wrapped himself around her and kissed her hair.

"Thanks for being there Linds."

"Right back at you."

"We're both going to be just fine, aren't we?"

"Now and always."


	133. Chapter 133

"So what time are you guys going to be home?" Lindsay asked, setting Ben on the counter and tying his shoes.

"Around dinner time," Adam answered, zipping up Colton's coat. "I'll call if we're going to be later."

"And what exactly are you doing?"

"Daddy, don't tell her! 'Amember it's just our day."

"Sorry babe, it's a secret."

She smiled and shook her head. They were always like this on their days. They never told her where they went or what they did, even once they came back. She had a feeling it involved lots of junk food and arcade games and that was fine with her. She was glad they had their own little thing. She knew how much they both looked forward to it, Colton could barely sleep the night before, and Adam would spend hours online finding just the right activity for them. She often sat next to him in bed while he looked, her own reading being interrupted with occasional "Oh sweet! I love New York!" followed by feverish writing on the Post-It pad next to him. Her heart clenched to think about it, the ridiculous amount of love that filled their home.

For her part, Daddy and Colton days meant she got Mama and Ben days. They usually didn't do much, but she found herself learning more and more about her secondborn every time. He was quieter than Colton had been, worked new words over in his mouth a few times before trying them out loud and he loved to hold her hand. Most days they would just stay at home and catch up on chores before spending a few hours napping on the couch. She loved days with Ben and couldn't get enough of staring into his eyes and letting him read her. Today though, she had errands to run.

"You guys be safe today alright?" Adam said, leaning in to kiss her while Colton stood at the door.

"We will. You too."

"Done. Bud, you gonna say bye to your mama?"

"Oh yes," he replied, as if he had totally forgotten. "Bye mama. Love you."

"I love you too."

"I gotta hug Ben too."

She settled Ben on the ground and the boys hugged each other, both laughing as they parted.

"See you guys later!" Colton shouted, running out the door with Adam on his heels.

"Well I guess it's just you and me, Ben-a-little."

He smiled and pointed to himself and then her, nodding his head.

"I need to go get dressed and find my lists. Can you play in your room for a little while?"

He nodded and toddled into his room while she put the breakfast dishes in the sink and went to get dressed. She hadn't been real grocery shopping in a long time and she wasn't looking forward to filling an entire cart with things they needed that she had been paying twice as much for at the bodega because she was just too busy for a full morning excursion. She found her lists and shoved them in her purse, then made sure she had diapers and wipes for Ben before she struggled him into his coat and headed out the door.

"Bo bo?" he asked as she put him in his carseat.

"Brother went with daddy, remember?"

He sighed and looked over at the space Colton usually occupied.

"Bo bo," he repeated forlornly.

"Ben, can you say brother?"

"Bo bo."

"Listen to mama. Say brother."

He looked at her and worked his mouth a few times before sighing.

"Budder."

"Good job."

He grinned up at her and clapped his hands twice before she kissed his cheek and closed the door.

* * *

"Mama."

"Yes?"

"Whass'at?"

"That is an eggplant."

"Oh. Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Whass'at?"

"That's a piece of ginger."

He nodded and placed his hands on top of hers on the handle of the cart, furrowing his brow as he played with her ring. She smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of his head.

"Mama?" he asked again, swinging his feet back and forth.

"Yes baby?"

"Whass…'at?"

His question was hesitant as she stared down the pineapple and scooted as far away from it as he could.

"It's just a pineapple honey," she chuckled, picking it up and showing it to him.

"Owwie."

"No, not owwie. See, it's okay," she said, taking his hand and making him gently pat the pineapple. He cowered for a moment, then realized it was okay and smiled.

"Say pineapple."

"Pi-ahh."

"Good job Benjamin!"

He grinned at the praise then shyly dipped his head down to stare at his hands again. Perfectionist he may be, but he didn't really like attention that sometimes came with his accomplishments. He was a lot like Adam that way.

"Okay, we need to go get some meat and cheese and milk and then we'll be ready to go."

He rested his cheek on their joined hands then reached up to rub her wrist. She did the rest of the shopping slowly, taking the time to answer each and every one of his "whass'at" questions and letting him hold things and inspect them until his curiosity was satisfied.

He started to get cranky about the time they were checking out and she knew it was getting close to lunch time. He whined as she put the bags in the car, and whined even more when she strapped him into his seat.

"Ben, we're going to go home and eat lunch but you need to stop making grumpy noises, okay?"

He leaned back in his seat and stuck his thumb in his mouth, silently agreeing to do what she had asked. Giving him a reassuring smile, she closed his door and got in the driver's seat.

"Ready to go home?"

"Ho, mama."

She snickered despite herself and started the car to go home, looking at him in the rearview mirror occasionally as she drove. He stared down at his shirt and shoes but not really out the window the way Colton did. Ben was more inside his head, he had some kind of old wisdom about him. She couldn't wait until he started talking for real, just so she could be privy to what was going on in his mind.

They made it home and it was slow going from the car to the apartment with all the groceries, but they finally managed. Ben was happy to follow her around the kitchen while she put things away and was near ecstatic when she put him on the counter and let him tuck the boxes of crackers and pasta into the cupboard. He clapped for himself and slammed the cupboard shut, then took the half sandwich she handed him and bit into his with gusto. She jumped up onto the counter next to him and ate her own sandwich while he giggled and handed her bits of his crust.

"Thanks buddy. I love crust," she teased, dropping it into the disposal. "Full of nutrients my big toe."

"Toe!" he shouted suddenly.

"Yes, toe."

He nodded and sighed, finishing his lunch and looking up at her sleepily.

"Wanna take a nap with me? We can snuggle on the couch with the big blanket."

He reached his hands for her and she pulled him into her arms, taking his shoes off as they made their way to the couch. Her own boots met the floor and she sunk against the cushions, loving how he molded himself against her chest and sighed before he looked up at her and patted her lips. Colton had done the same thing, wanting her to sing to him, but Ben preferred when she talked. It could be about anything really, the sound of her voice seemed to lull him to sleep. She'd done a lot of talking to him when she was pregnant and she figured that's why he had such a deep love to hear her speak now.

"You want to hear a story?" she asked, smoothing his hair back. He nodded and reached out to run his fingers over the texture on the back of the couch. She smiled as a spark of remembrance flickered and grew in her mind and though he would not understand or ever remember, she had to tell him.

"A long, long time ago, before I even knew you would ever come to be, your daddy and I were laying on this couch just like you and I are right now. There was a movie on but we weren't really watching it, we were just teasing each other. I don't remember what I said but it made him laugh. And he was playing with my hair and I could hear his heartbeat and all the sudden he looked at me, right deep into my eyes and he said "I love you, Lindsay." That was the first time he ever said it like that. He'd said it a few times before that, but that was just a friendly kind of thing. This time… he meant it for real. I wanted to say it back but I couldn't get the words to come out. I just looked at him with what was probably the dopiest smile on my face and he looked back at me and we were just quiet for a while until I finally found my words and said it back. And maybe we didn't wait all that long to say it in the grand scheme of things, but it meant something. It meant more than either one of us ever dreamed, even at that moment. I'll tell you this later in your life but I want to tell you now too. When you fall in love, Benjamin, you take your time. You enjoy it. Because you can never go back and see it all again. And when you find that person, the one who makes your life complete and who makes you better, you make sure that when you say "I love you" you mean it with every bit of yourself. With everything you have. And when you find that person, you hold onto them as you have never held onto anything before. Because son, when you find that, your entire life will change and it will be so much better. Don't ever give up on love, baby. It's always there waiting for you."

He gave her a nod and popped his thumb into his mouth, his eyes at half mast.

"And no matter what happens in your life, daddy and I will always be holding onto you too. We both love you boys more than life, and even more than that and we'll always be here for you, no matter what."

He popped his head up and smiled at her before leaning down to press a kiss to her lips with a loud "mwah!" before settling back down and closing his eyes. She pulled the blanket around them tightly and was in dreamland within seconds.

* * *

"… and I cannot say what we do all day, but daddy getted me two dinosaurs," Colton reported, holding up the plastic toys.

"Wow, two?"

"Yep. What did Ben get? Did Ben get nothing?"

"Ben got to hang out with me all day. I think that's better than dinosaurs, don't you?"

"Well… I don't know for sure. I get back to you on that."

"He's never going to love me again," Lindsay teased as Colton and Ben took off for their bedroom.

"Sure he will. You just gotta wait until the head snaps off of one of those dinosaurs."

"Wonderful."

"So what did you do all day?"

"Groceries. Nap on the couch."

"While I chased our hyperactive child all over Manhattan? How is that fair?"

"All over Manhattan, huh?"

"Well maybe not all over… or close to all over either."

"So basically you played at the park?"

"Nah, it was too cold. We did our morning thing and had a late lunch and came home. What do you think about having some dinner out tonight?"

"Out? Really? We haven't done that in a while. Not with the boys at least since… well probably forever."

"I know. Plan?"

"Plan."

"Geez this couch is lumpy," he complained, trying to get into a better position. She giggled and shook her head at the irony and he grimaced at her.

"What?"

"Nothin'."

"Seriously. You don't think it's lumpy?"

She couldn't stop giggling long enough to tell him, so she just shook her head.

"Babe, what has gotten into you?"

"It's not even funny," she managed to spit out after a moment. "I was just thinking earlier about when you told me you loved me. The first time, do you remember?"

"Yes, but how is that funny?"

"It was looking at the couch that prompted the memory and I was telling Ben about it and… I told you it wasn't that funny."

He smiled at her and pulled her into a hug, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Is it just me, or are the boys too quiet in there?"

"We should only be worried if we hear screaming. Everything else can be repaired."

"I love your live and let live outlook."

* * *

"Should I wear a blue tie or a gray tie with this shirt?"

"Honey, you only have two ties."

"I know. Which of them should I wear?"

"Blue. How much starch did you put on that shirt?"

"I don't know. A handful? How much should I have put on?"

"You're supposed to sprinkle it babe," she snickered, twisting her hair around her finger as she finished the last chapter of the book her dad had sent her. Adam had court in the morning, something that he hardly ever had to do. It made him nervous and he spent the night before tossing and turning and wondering if he was going to ramble or stutter or make a bad joke at the wrong time. He could nearly give himself an ulcer over it sometimes. She'd promised to stay up and help him go over his case notes one more time, but he had insisted on ironing his clothes first and she was yawning too much to make it even another half hour. She looked up to ask him to hurry and let out a snort at the sight she saw.

"What? Why are you always laughing at me tonight?"

"I'm not… I mean this time I am, but last time I wasn't."

"Why are you laughing at me now?" he asked, slumping his shoulders and turning the iron off.

"You're standin' there ironin' in your underwear. It makes me laugh."

"Why?"

"Because you're cute."

"Oh brother."

"You did not just roll your eyes at me."

"Oh whoops, just did it again."

She grabbed a Kleenex off her bedside table and chucked it at him. He laughed when it fell to the floor not even halfway to its destination and she grimaced before going back to her book. He put the ironing things away and climbed in beside her, turning his lamp on and grabbing his notes.

"Want my help?"

"No sweetie, you go to sleep."

"But I was going to help you. I always help you."

"Yes you do. But I'm not going to be on the stand more than ten minutes. I'll be fine. Get some sleep."

She put her book away and turned her lamp off then slid down and over towards him, nudging his arm with her head until he lifted it and pulled her close. She'd been having trouble sleeping at night lately. Naps were easy, but at night she couldn't seem to make herself tired enough. She had to be touching Adam in some way before she could relax, and even that wasn't enough sometimes. Once she did finally fall asleep, it was light and the littlest things woke her up. She didn't have nightmares that she remembered, but Adam said she'd been whimpering a lot in her rare sleep. She figured it was just a phase and it would pass but it didn't really make daily life all that enjoyable.

She lay there quietly, breathing slowly and trying to imagine her whole body turning into goop. But then came the mental images of rapid decomposition that Sid had so delightedly shown them all last week and her eyes snapped open again.

"Lindsay."

"I can't help it."

He chuckled and kissed her forehead, then put his notes away and turned his lamp off.

"Okay, I'm going to put you to sleep. I want you count out to the end of pi."

"Do you have secret dreams of being married to a human calculator?"

"Yes, and I would appreciate you not teasing me about it."

She smiled as he pulled the blankets tighter around her and repeatedly ran his fingers through her hair.

"I want you to stop thinking. Just close your eyes and let yourself fall asleep. Think of how warm it is when you're asleep, how it's quiet and peaceful-"

She snickered.

"Lindsay, you're not doing what I said."

"I'm sorry, I really am trying. Keep talking, I promise I won't think."

He sighed and was quiet for a moment, before she looked up at him questioningly.

"What's wrong?"

"I should ask you the same thing."

"Nothing's wrong, I just can't sleep."

"Well yeah, but is there a reason for that?"

"I know what you're getting at and that's not it. I just can't settle myself down."

"Do you want to try taking something?" he asked hesitantly.

"No!"

He knew how she felt about taking any kind of medication for anything. She even hated the high dose Tylenol after giving birth. Everything made her feel like a zombie and she couldn't stand it. But maybe just one herbal sleep aid for one night would be okay. Apparently though, she was having none of that.

"Okay, it was just a question. I hate seeing you miserable like this."

"I'm sorry," she sighed, sitting up. "You go ahead and sleep in here, I'll take the couch."

"You had better not be serious right now."

"You actually have to sleep tonight. I don't go into work until noon, I can afford to stay up for a little while," she explained, grabbing her pillow. "You don't need me in here not sleeping because I know that keeps you awake so I'll just go out to the couch."

He grabbed her pillow back from her and put it where it went, then wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her back into the bed. She sighed, knowing he was right but still feeling guilty over something so small.

"Babe, you forget that I need you to sleep too. We don't sleep on the couch, we never have, and we're not going to make a habit of it either. You're staying in here and you're going to fall asleep. Got it?"

She nodded as he held her tightly.

"You're safe with me, Lindsay. You know that right?"

"I know."

"You can close your eyes. I won't let anything happen."

She let out a long sigh and let her eyes fall closed while he continued to whisper in her ear. He mumbled reassurances and love and words he had said so often that she sometimes needed to hear again. It wasn't that she distrusted the words, or him for speaking them, but she did need to be reminded occasionally.

"Sleep, baby. Today I love you and tomorrow I'll love you just the same."

There was a second of panic that someday it would be too much for him, that she was too high maintenance, but his words overpowered that and she fell into a sweet sleep.


	134. Chapter 134

"You boys be good for Uncle Danny, okay?"

"We always good, mama. Don't be silly."

"Okay, okay. Just don't drive him crazy."

"Montana they'll be fine. If not I'll just put them in the bedroom and shut the door."

"It's what I usually do with them," Austin said, shrugging into her coat.

"Yeah, you think I can't handle the kids? C'mon, give me a little credit here."

"You say that at the same time you turn on SportsCenter."

"I need background noise."

The girls looked at each other and rolled their eyes. At least the kids were old enough that they didn't need to be watched every second.

"We'll be back later."

"Don't burn the joint down," Austin added. "Kids, you watch your daddy."

"What is it with you women?"

"Wait, mommy!" Sarah squealed, crashing into Austin's legs. "I wanna go with you and Auntie please."

"I thought you wanted to stay home and play."

"But…" she said soft enough that Austin had to crouch down to hear her. "Colt and Isa not wanna play. And I not wanna play with the babies."

"So you want to come with us instead?"

"Please?"

"Okay. You might get bored, are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Alright. Go get your shoes on."

Sarah smiled and scrambled for her shoes, then jumped up and jammed her arms into her coat.

"Ready, ready," she said, taking both their hands and pulling them towards the door.

"Danny, we're taking the middle munchkin."

"Okay."

"So don't call me later freaking out because you can't find her."

"Okay."

"Bye daddy!"

"Bye."

Lindsay and Austin exchanged a look and headed out the door while Sarah skipped between them, happy to have a little attention all to herself.

"Let's stop and get some coffee. I need caffeine."

"That would be mean. Jess can't have coffee right now. We can't just wave it in her face like that."

"She doesn't like coffee."

Lindsay stopped walking and her jaw dropped open.

"She doesn't like coffee?"

"Nope. She's a tea drinker."

"How… what… I can't even…"

"I know. I was similarly shocked."

"That just doesn't seem like her. She's a whiskey girl but she doesn't drink coffee? How does that work?"

"I don't know. And we thought we were the enigmas."

"Interesting. I guess we can get her some tea then. Sarah love, you want some hot chocolate?"

"Yay!"

"You love to spoil my children."

"Yeah, 'cuz look how happy they get about it."

"They're easily pleased."

"What we gonna do today?" Sarah asked as they walked to the car.

"We're going shopping with Jess to find some clothes and stuff for the new babies."

"I happy for the babies. They will be little huh?"

"Yeah, really little."

"I will hold them and rock them and sing them songs."

"I bet you'll be good at that."

"I like babies."

"Are you going to have babies when you grow up?" Lindsay asked, buckling her into Ben's carseat. She was too little to fit in Colton's but almost too big for Ben's.

"I will have many babies. Just girls. No boys."

"I used to say the same thing."

"And you got no girls at all, auntie. How come?"

"Because your uncle Adam can only handle one lady in the house."

"Austin you're mean."

"You're the queen of that house, Lindsay."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that they think you're the most important person in your family and in the world. You're the only girl with a bunch of boys. They'd spoil you if you'd let them."

"They do love me a lot."

* * *

Jess sighed and blew a strand of hair off of her forehead, hauling a box of diapers into the cart.

"More," Austin coached.

"One more box?"

"Oh young grasshopper… That might get you through a few days," Lindsay chuckled

"Okay, be straight with me here. How many diapers will I change in a day?"

"I am guessing around ten. Per kid."

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"No."

"Don said he wasn't going to do diapers. I'm totally screwed."

"Adam said the same thing. Believe me, after a little while and some very well placed complaining, he'll change his mind. You'll get the hang of it and it won't be so bad. All the mommy instincts will kick in and you'll wonder what you were so worried about in the first place."

"She's right Jess. Gave me the same speech almost four years ago."

"You guys promise?"

"Yes. And we'll be there to help you out too. You won't be alone."

"Thanks. I can't even tell you how scared I am."

"It's okay to be scared, Jess. It makes you a better mom."

"Are you sure?"

"Believe everything she says, Jess. Lindsay's got like super mommy wisdom or something. She's always right. I don't have her on speed dial just because she's my best friend."

"Whatever," Lindsay chuckled, checking out a pair of pants for Colton and deciding they were too long.

"I'm serious! You've gotten me through a lot of days where I wanted to pull my hair out. Honestly Jess, use her."

"I will."

"But use Austin too. She's very good at telling you that crayon marks wash off the wall and screaming only lasts until the voice box gives out."

"I'm glad you guys did this first."

"You'll be great Jess. You're like the best multi-tasker I have ever met. I've seen you cuff a suspect, shout orders over the radio and in the same breath take Flack down a notch. Twins are going to be a piece of cake."

"Mommy, a'scuse me," Sarah whispered, tugging on Austin's hand and holding up a fluffy skirt. "Could I have this?"

"I don't think so, baby. Not today."

"Okay," Sarah sighed, dropping her shoulders a little and putting the skirt back on the rack. "Lookit at those cute baby shoes over there!"

Austin chuckled at her change of subject, then grabbed a skirt in the right size and tossed it into the cart.

"I thought you said…"

"She's being good. I like to surprise her."

"Guys, my back hurts and I think I need to sit down for a while."

"You're looking a little wiped out. We can go to the restaurant next door for lunch."

"You don't think I'm a wimp, do you?"

"You're carrying twins. You are so not a wimp."

"I feel like a wimp. And a blimp."

Lindsay and Austin gave each other knowing looks.

"She needs iced tea."

"And fast."

They made their purchases quickly and stashed them in the car before going into the restaurant. Sarah was delighted to get her own paper menu with crayons and quickly snuggled into what was left of Jess's lap. Her tongue stuck out of the corner of her mouth as she colored, balancing one of her baby dolls on her lap.

"Jess, when you gots two babies, how you gonna color?" she asked suddenly, genuinely concerned.

"I guess I'm just going to have you do all my coloring for me, sweetheart."

"I could do that. I like to color."

They ordered their food and talked of all non-baby things. Lindsay and Austin could both see how stressed Jess was getting and they remembered their own similar days of frustration while baby shopping the first time. It was a horribly scary unknown and no amount of reassurance would completely stop the nerves. It was something that she could only get through with Flack.

They sat talking long after their food was gone and Sarah was sleeping. It was nice to get out for a while with no schedule or obligations for later. Lindsay and Austin did it more as the kids got older, but this might be the last time Jess could do it for a while.

"You guys wanna join us for family dinner tonight?" Austin offered, taking Sarah who grunted at the movement but didn't wake up.

"I don't know. Which one of you is cooking?"

"Lindsay is but she's using my kitchen. I've been banned for a two month stretch because of what happened last time."

"What happened last time?"

"I tried to skip a step in the mashed potatoes. It didn't go well. The house smelled like scorched milk for weeks."

"Austin don't lie. You tried to skip two steps."

"Why would you cut the potatoes if you're just gonna mash them later anyway?"

"Because they have to… never mind, I am not having this argument again."

"You're like little old ladies in a nursing home, fighting over who used the Fixodent last."

"You jest, but that's what the psychic lady said too."

"She also said to stick to instant potatoes, but you didn't listen to that."

"Lindsay Ross, I'm gonna pull your hair."

"I love you too."

"You're the kind of friends that have slap fights then eat raw cookie dough together, aren't you?"

"There's spies everywhere," Austin whispered.

"Oh heavens," Jess chucked shaking her head. "I can't keep up."

"That's what they all say."

"How does anyone understand you two?"

"They usually just stop trying."

* * *

"Flack, you're lookin' a little gray over there," Danny mentioned, propping his feet up on the coffee table and looking over at his friend.

"Yeah man, you've got that look," Adam agreed.

"What look?"

"The 'oh crap I'm about to be a father and I have no idea what I'm doing.' It's a look we know well."

"I still got a couple months and I feel like I'm going to puke."

Danny and Adam nodded in sympathy. They'd had a few short discussions on the subject, neither one of them really comfortable admitting their fears, but only having each other as a fellow father to talk to about it.

"Don't be scared, they can smell it. And I'm not just saying that, they really can," Adam started.

"No way."

"Serious, man. If you're scared they're gonna be scared of you. Just relax and you'll be fine. And always think twice before you make a decision. Because sometimes it seems good in the moment, but later they'll use it against you," Danny added, knowing all too well how fast Isa's mind worked to contradict what he had just told her.

"And don't be afraid to tell them you screwed up. They respect you more for that."

"When you're gettin' after them and they say somethin' funny, don't laugh. Whatever you do, don't laugh."

"You can laugh later when they can't see you though."

"And make sure you tell 'em you love 'em even when you think they're too little to understand."

"And don't let Jess get lost in the shuffle. Life is easier if you make sure she knows she's still number one."

"That might be the most important thing right there," Danny agreed. "She's gonna need you more than she'll admit."

"Your kids are always your kids, but a marriage, you've always gotta work at. Make sure you listen to everything she says, even if it doesn't make sense to you."

"Are you guys gonna write this down for me?" Flack asked on a long sigh.

"You weren't payin' attention?"

"I'm going to forget it all later."

"Maybe once or twice, but you'll fall into a routine after a while."

"Uncle Flack, lookit I made for you!" Isa shouted, running across the room to him and jumping into his lap. "It's a tie!"

She handed him the mangled piece of construction paper, colored with stripes and adorned with stickers.

"You can wear it to work. I made it specially for you 'cuz you wear ties always."

"Thanks little girl."

"You don't have to wear it to work if you don't wanna. It might rip when you'res chasing bad guys with mommy."

"Maybe I'll just have to keep it hung up with my other ties."

"Okay. I gotta go make somethin' else now," she said, kissing his cheek and scrambling off his lap.

"I wish I had a tie like that."

"Daddy, you don't wear no ties!" Isa proclaimed indignantly, her hand on her hip. "I make you somethin' else."

"Okay."

She scampered off and Flack chuckled.

"I better get used to wearing paper ties, huh?"

"Among other things, buddy."


	135. Chapter 135

A/N: This is a rather dark chapter. And by dark I mean really dark. I would give it an M rating actually. Read it carefully and at your own risk.

_Little Miss_ by Sugarland. Even if country is not your persuasion, listen to it when you're done with this. I listened to it no less than 25 times while writing this.

Julesy, thanks for the help and the listening. It's so much better with you. You're perfect to me.

* * *

Winter had thawed into spring, trees were blooming, birds were singing and it was her favorite time of year. Things had slowed down at work and there had been a lot of family time lately. The boys were growing and happy and every day seemed to be nearly coated in sunshine. Life had reached that luscious point of dancing in the rain and spinning, spinning, spinning because the absolute joy was bubbling over and uncontainable.

Yet for some reason she felt as if she was still clogged up with the gray winter cold and slush. The world may have thawed but she hadn't. The sun may shine, but there were clouds over her head. The boys may laugh and giggle and give hugs and kisses, but the normal quickened pace of her heart in those moments was nowhere to be found.

To be honest, it wasn't just "for some reason." She knew exactly what it was and why it was happening. The difficulty was in wrapping her head around it all again, for what felt like the thousandth time. The difficulty was in putting it into words and getting to the place where she could even be coherent in her speech when she talked about it. The difficulty was in accepting that not only was it happening again, it had been triggered by almost nothing, in a season of her life that was so dizzyingly perfect. The difficulty was in the wondering how long it was going to go on this time.

She moved automatically, cleaning up the breakfast dishes and getting lost in her own head as the boys sped around the room. If she had stood still long enough she would have noticed that Ben's shirt was too short, as he had grown an inch in a very short time. She would have realized that at almost eighteen months old he was too big in all respects for the twelve month clothes he was currently sporting. Colton was getting big too and was in desperate need of new shoes. They didn't look like ragamuffins and they didn't seem to care that their clothes didn't fit, but had she stopped to look she may have sunk to the floor in mourning of how much she was missing. It could have possibly been better that she wasn't looking.

"Mama, are we leaving soon?" Colton asked, stopping to wrap his arms around her legs and hug her.

"Yeah, soon," she answered, patting his head before he tugged on her hand.

"Mama, you havin' a rough day?"

"Yeah, kind of a rough day."

"Bend down so I can hug you."

She obliged and his tiny arms went around her neck, lessening the fog that was so thick this morning. She kissed his cheeks and sighed from deep within herself, imagining a stream of water pressure washing her mind out, clearing it of all the dirt and grime and ick, making it so clean and happy so that nothing bad could ever stick again. It didn't work, it never had, but it might make her strong enough, just for the boys, just for today.

"I don't want you to have a rough day no more, mama. I really, really love you."

"I love you too, Colton. You make the rough days less bad. I promise."

"It's okay to cry sometimes if you're sad."

"I know. Thank you for reminding me."

"Too, too!" Ben hollered, wedging himself between them so he could hug her also.

"You boys know that I love you to the moon and back, right?"

"I know that mama. I don't know how far it is."

She smiled and kissed them both before standing up.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep. I'm ready and Ben said he's ready too, right Ben?"

Ben gave a short nod and headed for the door, not sure what was going on, but thrilled that it was something. Both kids were tired of being stuck inside and the prospect of an entire day with Danny and Austin and the kids at the park had them nearly trembling with delight. Lindsay knew it wasn't good for her to be alone, but she also knew that she needed a few hours away to get her thoughts in line. She wasn't sure where she was going to go or what she would do, but she was planning on making the most of it.

It was a short drive and she would have taken a cab but it was easier to put the kids in the car than it was to wrangle their seats into a cab. She hated to drive lately, not just because of the traffic, but because every time someone cut her off or stopped short, the thought "what if they hit us" ran through her mind. It would snap into overdrive and she would start thinking what would happen if she was gone. If it was just Adam and the boys, and how much better things would be for them. They would never have to worry about her again. The logical side of her knew that wasn't anything she should be thinking about, and she knew how devastated they would be, but at the same time, she couldn't stop the imaginings. They thundered behind her eyes and for a moment she thought she may get sick. A quick rolling down of the window cured that, but also cooled the few tears that trickled down her cheek, making them much more noticeable.

She was such a mess, such a horrible mess, and she felt as if it would never be over.

* * *

"A whole day of freedom, Montana. Whatever will you do?"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Oh you know, max out the credit card, eat a pound of Twizzlers, get my nails done."

"That sounds right up your alley. Except I've watched you eat a pound of Twizzlers. Makes my stomach hurt."

"Then don't watch, doofus."

"Mama, why you call Uncle Danny names? He not say mean names to you."

"Believe me, doofus is one of the nicer things I've called him."

"Yeah, she used to call me butt-face."

"Mama, you gonna get a time out for that."

"Yeah, I'll get right on that."

"Okay Linds," Austin started, coming out of the kitchen and pulling her hair out of her jacket collar. "Gimme your keys."

"What?"

"Gimme your keys. We both know you don't have anything planned and I have somewhere I want to take you. Cough 'em up."

Lindsay handed the keys over, wondering how much of her freedom she'd just surrendered in the process.

"But what about the kids?"

"Danny's staying."

"I feel like I should be paying him three dollars an hour and giving his number out to all my friends that might need babysitters."

"Make sure to give my number to that hot brunette with the three ankle biters. I'd love to work for her," he requested, waggling his eyebrows at his wife.

"Do you double as a pool boy?" Austin asked in a sultry tone.

"I can if you want me to."

"You guys are nauseating."

"Yeah, well you and Adam are worse," Austin said, headed for the door. "Hurry up woman, we don't got to the end of time."

"Geez, you're demanding today."

"Today?" Danny asked. "And you say you're best friends. Shouldn't you know she's like this all the time?"

"I was being polite."

"Move it, Annie Oakley."

The door closed behind them and the got into the elevator, leaning against opposite walls and staring each other down.

"Seriously, where are you taking me?"

"To my leader."

"Austin."

"Just a place. You'll like it, I swear."

"Are you sure?"

"Do I know you or do I know you?"

"You know me."

"You'll like it. Now if you really did have something planned today…"

"I didn't."

"Good," she said as they stepped off the elevator and out of the building. "Where did you park?"

"Down there," she answered, pointing to the only spot she had found, half a block away.

"Well get movin'! No one ever got no where just saunterin'."

Shaking her head, Lindsay followed her and got in the passenger seat while Austin made a face and struggled to move the seat back just a little.

"If you weren't so short…"

"If you weren't so tall…"

"Stuff it."

"Can it."

Austin shook her head and got into the car, starting it up as Lindsay scrolled through the iPod, looking for something they both liked. She settled on Mumford and Sons and soon they were on their way, windows cracked and both singing along to _Little Lion Man_. It was one of those moments that felt like freedom and for a while she managed to close her eyes and concentrate on the wind and the sun and shouting the chorus because she could nearly feel it in her bones.

It was a forty minute drive into the Bronx and with every mile Lindsay became increasingly curious about where they were going and why. It wasn't like Austin to be able to keep a secret very long so it was either really good or not all that exciting. She didn't know where to place her bets.

"Okay, so before I show you what I wanna show you, I have to kill the first bird with this stone."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning," Austin started, parking the car. "I have to run in and get the blankets Danny's mom knitted for the twins, lest they are born tomorrow and have absolutely nothing to be wrapped in."

"She's never heard of receiving blankets?"

"Those thin things? Heaven forbid a child ever be confined to something so awful. They will truly resort to a life of crime if they are not allowed the loving comfort of a homemade blanket."

"Oh, she's one of those kind."

"She's worse than your mom. I mean that lovingly. But really."

"Why didn't she make blankets for your kids?"

"She said that any children with the combined DNA of me and Danny would most likely rip the blankets to shreds before they had a chance to enjoy it and she wasn't going to waste her time until they were older. Flack children however have a saint for a father."

"She's a Don fan?"

"She would trade Danny for Don any day of the week. I think it's because he always called her Mrs. Messer and minded his manners."

"While you and Danny mocked him for it?"

"Of course. We'da given him a swirly if he wasn't so tall."

"I can't believe he stayed friends with you guys."

"He got used to it pretty fast. He wasn't popular in high school, he had to be friends with someone."

"Poor Flack."

"Yeah, but Grace always gave him the biggest piece of pie. Comin' inside?"

"Well…"

"I'll show you a really embarrassing picture of Danny."

"How embarrassing?"

"You'll cackle, I swear."

"Okay, I'm comin'."

They got out of the car and went up the porch steps where Austin threw the screen door open and hollered inside.

"Hey, are you geriatrics home or what?"

Lindsay snickered and followed her inside.

"What a way to greet your family. Did anyone ever teach you manners?"

Austin chuckled and made her way into the kitchen, finding her mother and mother-in-law sitting at the table with cups of coffee.

"You both tried and you both failed," she said, grabbing her mom's coffee and taking a drink. "This is Lindsay. We ditched the kids with Danny for the morning."

"Lucky. We never got to ditch you kids."

"Yes you did, you just shoved us outside and locked the door."

"We always left sandwiches on the porch."

"You gonna make up for that by givin' me some coffee?"

"Since you already finished mine?" Katherine asked.

"Hey. Three kids and I didn't get none yet this morning."

"I suggested stopping but you said we were on a time schedule. A time schedule, really Aust?"

"You believed me."

"I was in a weakened state."

They exchanged a look and giggled while Grace stood up from the table.

"I've got those blankets in the other room, and I have some stuff for your hoodlums too."

"You got anything for me?"

"I let you marry my son, didn't I?"

"Touche'," Austin giggled, following Grace into the other room.

"You want a cup of coffee before my daughter comes back in here and drinks every last drop of it?" Katherine asked, standing up and getting a mug down from the cupboard.

"Sure, thanks."

"So you're the Indy that my granddaughter won't stop talking about."

"Really?"

"Rumor has it you tell really good stories."

"Isa's fascinated with Paul Bunyan."

"She says you even do voices."

"Now I'm embarrassed."

Katherine chuckled and handed her the warm coffee.

"I never thought my daughter would have a best friend."

"What? Why?"

"Because. Don't act like you don't know why. Austin never lets herself get close to people. I was worried she never would."

"She just needed someone that's always on her side," Lindsay said. Her eyes suddenly shot up to meet Katherine's and she swallowed hard. "I'm sorry I didn't mean that the way it came out."

"I know you didn't. She's told you?"

"Yeah."

"You probably think I'm a horrible mother."

"No," Lindsay said quickly, shaking her head. "I admit my first inclination is to get mad and protective, but that's not fair. My husband grew up pretty similarly, and I've spent a lot of years accepting the fact that I'll never understand the situations."

"You still think I should have done something."

"I think there were a lot of people that should have stepped in for the both of you and they never did. I think she was let down but I think you were let down too."

Katherine sighed and looked down into her coffee for a moment before speaking.

"It's no wonder Austin picked you. You don't mince words any more than she does."

"She's taught me well."

"Thanks for being there for her."

"She's repaid the favor. We're even."

"I promised and I delivered," Austin announced, slapping an old picture down on the table in front of Lindsay.

"Oh. My. Word."

Danny was about thirteen years old, wearing a dress and glaring while Austin hugged him and kissed his cheek.

"This is like a picture of your entire marriage."

"It's going to be Colton and Isa in ten years."

"Nah. Colton's got more backbone than Danny does."

"That is actually pretty accurate."

"First, can we make copies of this? And second, why didn't this go on the wedding invitations?"

"Because I didn't think of it fast enough," Austin replied, pouring herself a cup of coffee and sitting down. "How bad do you think he would kill me for showing that around?"

"Not bad enough to dissuade you from showing it around. I'm thinking poster size."

"My evil sidekick. I'm so proud."

* * *

An hour later they had been released from the mothers and were on their way to whatever Austin had wanted to show Lindsay in the first place.

"Sorry for all that back there. I knew you weren't really in the mood to meet people and the mother units can be a little overwhelming."

"It's okay. It was just like looking at us in thirty years."

"Stop. You're scaring me."

"Sorry. So where are we going?"

"Just a place. I promise, you'll like it. It's just down the street."

Lindsay sighed a little and followed her, knowing that most of her energy for the day was sapped. That was another part of the depression, it made her want to sleep all the time. Simple things were exhausting, and not just physical exertion either. Conversations made her tired. Thinking made her tired. Even just watching TV made her tired. She was constantly trying to catch up, she just didn't know what she was chasing.

"I used to come here when I was younger," Austin said as they walked into a small park. "When it got too loud at home or I just needed to be by myself, I'd walk down here. There's a creek through those trees and there's a little footbridge over it. I used to sit there and watch the water for hours. Sometimes I would keep checking my watch to see how long it was taking for someone to come look for me, but mostly I didn't pay attention to the time. I once sat out here an entire day. And I never told anyone about it. Not Andy, not Danny."

"How come?"

"Because… because I needed my own spot in the world. Because when I came out here, nothing else could come with me."

"So why are you bringing me out here?" Lindsay asked as they stepped into the stand of trees and onto a small dirt path.

"Because best friends are supposed to share. And you need this right now. Especially today. It's the seventh."

Lindsay nodded as they sat down on the bridge, dangling their feet over the side, just above the water. Austin always remembered the day and she should have known that's what this was all about.

"Plus you haven't been you lately. Like, really far from you, Linds. I'm worried."

"I am too."

"Do you want to tell me? Is it like last time?"

"It's not like last time at all."

They fell quiet, both swinging their legs back and forth, looking for words.

"I'm still trying to sort it all out. Adam knows but I haven't said anything yet. I was going to tell him tonight."

"Do you want to wait and tell me later?"

"No, no. It's easier to start with you."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't affect your life every day. I mean, I know you worry about me and I know you check up on me and listen to me when I need to talk but with Adam it's different. With him it's like I'm saying "Okay, our life is about to go into a tailspin again. Hold on." He doesn't have any choice. He has to be in the thick of it. You can take a step back if you need to."

"Linds, I won't ever leave."

"I know that. I really do. I just mean that… at the end of the day you can hand me over to him. You can go back to your life. But for him, this is his life. He doesn't get a break from it. And I feel guilty about that because who wants that in life?"

"He may not want that Linds, but he'll take it if it means he can have you."

"I know."

"So tell me what's going on. I've been noticing it for over a week now."

"Can I ask… how do you know it's happening?"

Austin sighed and leaned back on her arms, her palms flat against the old wood.

"It's a bunch of little things, Linds. Things no one else would notice but me. You start sending me shorter texts, and then I start watching you more. Your nails are shorter than normal, probably bitten down that far. You drink your weight in coffee and you hardly eat anything at all. Your smile doesn't reach your eyes, your laugh is not the same. You don't turn the radio up, you don't change it to the country station. You bite your lip a lot and you won't keep eye contact. It's just all the little things that are so you kind of vanish and melt away until you're just this shell of my beautiful best friend and I just… I want you back."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, her throat tight. "I don't want to… I never wanted to be that person."

"I feel different around you. It's like that old wall's up between us again. And we tore that thing down ages ago. I mean, we obliterated the crap outta that sucker. But sometimes I still get that feeling."

"It's not there, Aust, I swear it's not."

"I know it's not. It's just the same feeling of knowing there was something going on that you're not telling me. I know you need time to get things in order in your mind and that's why you wait so long, but it's how I know."

"Thank you for paying attention."

"Always. Now, tell me what's going on."

"It started out with not being able to sleep. Then I started having really bad nightmares. And then it all just stopped. It went back to normal. And I thought it was weird but maybe it was hormones or something. And then a few days later I just… hit me. So hard and so fast and I couldn't shake myself out of it this time. I was drowning before I even knew I was in the water. And now I'm so far in… I don't know how to get out."

"What's it doing to you this time?"

There was a long silence and Lindsay's eyes wandered around while she pulled her knees up to her chest and started rocking back and forth. Austin reached out and grabbed her arm, slowing the motion a little.

"Lindsay. Tell me."

"I don't want to."

"Yes you do. Say it, Linds."

"Don't be scared of me," she whimpered, clenching and unclenching her fists.

"I won't be scared of you, Lindsay. Just tell me, please. Don't make me guess."

"Sometimes… sometimes I…" she stuttered, fighting the urge to shut down or run off or just plain refuse to talk. "I just want… sometimes I just want to hurt myself."

Her heart stopped for what felt like eternity and when it started beating it practically thumped like a bass drum in her ears. She knew it was bad, horrible, worse than she could imagine but she never believed that it would get bad enough for that to be an option. She wanted to wrap Lindsay in a hug so tight that the rest of the world would fade away. Place her in a bubble where nothing could hurt her anymore. Her mouth was dry and she spoke the only words she could think of in that moment.

"I love you."

Lindsay couldn't hold it in any longer and the tears burst out before she could stop them. It would have felt like her entire soul was emptying from her body if she believed she had any soul left.

"'S okay," Austin whispered, keeping a tight hold on her even as she herself wanted to run away from the situation. She was terrified that the admission of want was also an admission of what she had already done and the thought made her squeeze her eyes shut and wish it all away.

"I won't," Lindsay choked out finally, getting a slight handle on her tears. "I won't do it. I don't know why I want to. It doesn't make sense, but sometimes I want to so bad."

Austin didn't know what to say so she kept quiet and stopped fighting her own tears.

"I don't want to die, Aust. I don't. But sometimes I don't really want to be alive either."

The words fell from her lips before she had even realized they were true and she desperately wanted to shove them back in and swallow them down to where they would never see the light again.

"I love you, Linds. So much. We all do. We need you so bad. Please, please don't do anything. Don't go away. Promise me. Please, promise me right now."

"I promise."

They sat like that for a while longer, neither of them knowing what to say or do or even to think. The tears stopped and the breathing calmed and they both sat back up, wiping their faces.

"I'm sorry. I don't want to put this all on you."

"You're not doing anything wrong, Linds. This is what families do."

"I don't know why I feel like that. There's no reason for it. It should be just the opposite, you know? My life is perfect. It really is. It doesn't make sense. I feel like such a waste. So worthless."

"But you're not, Lindsay."

"I know that. In my head I know it. But I don't feel it. It's like something is missing there, a connection is gone. I can't feel anything but the bad stuff and I feel that so much. I'm just broken. I'm a mess. I've completely fallen apart."

"No you haven't. You're still you Lindsay. You're not broken or a mess. You just need a tune up."

Lindsay gave a half smile at that.

"You're still in there," Austin said, tugging on Lindsay's hair. "We're going to find you again. We're going to figure this out and make things better. I'm not giving up on you Linds, and no one else is either."

"Thank you."

Austin stood up and held her hand out.

"Let me take you home. We'll drive until you can breathe again."

"Okay."

They silently made their way to the car and got inside. Lindsay curled into a ball in her seat and leaned against the door, closing her eyes and concentrating on the sound of the road beneath the tires and the soft country music that was coming from the radio. If she thought hard enough, she could be twelve years old and headed to the lake with her family, under a pile of blankets in the backseat with her walkman practically suctioned to her ears and Trisha Yearwood up as loud as she would go.

The windshield wipers squeaked across the windshield as a sudden spring storm fell upon them. It was rather fitting and she opened her eyes a little, staring at the sunlight that was still there in the rain. It calmed her to a degree and she unclenched her fists, rubbing her thumb over her right palm where her nails had left indents. Once they were gone she switched hands and sighed, seeing the tattoo on her left wrist. She traced over it several times, part of her wondering how it could still be true.

The song changed and Austin began to sing along, a song they had both sang to Isa and Sarah at separate times since it had been released. She smiled at the sound of Austin's voice and let the words wash over her in a way she never had before.

_Little Miss Down On Love__  
__Little Miss I Give Up__  
__Little Miss I'll Get Tough__  
__Don't you worry 'bout me anymore__  
__Little Miss Checkered Dress__  
__Little Miss One Big Mess__  
__Little Miss I'll Take Less__  
__When I Always Give So Much More_

_It's alright, it's alright, it's alright  
__Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win  
__It's alright, it's alright, it's alright  
__It'll be alright again_

_It'll be alright again, I'm okay  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay_

_Little Miss Do Your Best__  
__Little Miss Never Rest__  
__Little Miss Be My Guest__  
__I'll Make More Anytime That It Runs Out__  
__Little Miss You'll Go Far__  
__Little Miss Hide Your Scars__  
__Little Miss Who You Are__  
__Is So Much More Than You Like To Talk About_

_It's alright, it's alright, it's alright__  
__Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win__  
__It's alright, it's alright, it's alright__  
__And it'll be alright again_

_It'll be alright again, I'm okay__  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay__  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay_

_Oh, Lord__  
__Oh, and you are loved__  
__Are loved_

_Little Miss Brand New Start__  
__Little Miss Do Your Part__  
__Little Miss Big Ol' Heart Beats Wide Open__  
__She's ready now for love_

_It's alright, it's alright, it's alright__  
__Well, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win__  
__It's alright, it's alright, it's alright__  
__It'll be alright again_

_It'll be alright again, I'm okay__  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay__  
__It'll be alright again, I'm okay__  
__It'll be alright again_

They finished the song together, both their voices wavering as it ended and the car stopped outside Austin and Danny's building.

"Do you want to take the boys and go home, or do you wanna stick around for a while?"

"I think I'll go home. I just need…"

"I know."

"I'm safe, Austin. I promise, I really am."

"I know you are. Let's go."

They made it upstairs looking no worse for the wear, both checking their faces in the metal paneling in the elevator.

"Thanks for today. It helped."

"Always Linds."

They opened the door and all five kids headed their way, happily chattering about going to the park and how long Danny had let them play before they had to come home. Ben held onto Lindsay tightly and kissed her cheek over and over while Colton prattled on about Uncle Danny jumping off a swing and Isa chasing a squirrel. Lindsay laughed as she listened to the story and soon gathered their things to head home.

Once they had gone, Austin leaned against the door and sighed while Danny came over to rub her shoulders.

"She okay?"

"I don't know," she answered, dialing Adam's number on her cell phone and waiting for him to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Adam."

"Aust?"

"Adam… it's worse than we thought."


	136. Chapter 136

Adam had never made it home from the lab quite so quickly before. He had been getting ready to leave when Austin called and the panic in her voice had sent him nearly running for the train. First he cursed himself for taking the train instead of driving, and then he thanked his lucky stars when he looked out the train window and saw how backed up traffic was. He practically ran from the station home, pounding up the stairs because at the time it seemed to be faster than the elevator. He took a deep breath before turning the knob and going inside. It was quiet and he hoped the boys were both down for naps or otherwise occupied because this wasn't going to be something they needed to see or hear.

Lindsay was sitting at the kitchen table, her hands wrapped around a mug of coffee. He'd noticed the weight loss but it wasn't until he saw her slender fingers wrapped around that ceramic that he realized how bad it really was. Her ring was practically falling off and the sweatshirt that normally fit looked a few sizes too big. She was tiny enough to begin with, and this alone had him worried.

"Linds."

She spun around in her chair and met his eyes for a moment before standing up and crossing the room to him. She fell into his chest and he wrapped her in his arms, holding on tight while she cried. They were gut wrenching sobs and they slowly fell to the floor together.

"I'm sorry," she wailed, clutching at his shirt and trying to catch her breath. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shh. It's okay. It's gonna be okay baby."

"No. It's not. I can't."

"Lindsay it's going to be alright. I won't let it not be."

"Don't let go of me. Please. Please."

"I won't. I won't baby. You're safe."

She continued to weep until she had nothing left and had wilted in his arms. He scooted back against the counter and continued to hold her, running his hand over her face, hoping to brush away the tear tracks.

"I need help, Adam," she whispered. "You can't… you can't fix it this time."

"I know that. I shouldn't have tried before."

"I don't know what to do."

"Baby, we're going to get help. I promise, I won't let you down this time. I won't. It's going to be alright. I won't let you go."

He grabbed her shaking hands and put them against his heart, holding them there so she couldn't move them.

"I'm not goin' anywhere babe. Neither are you. Do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"I love you. I love you so much, Linds. We need you. We can't survive without you. Please be strong baby."

"Help me. Help me."

"I won't let you go. This isn't going to take you from me. You're mine, Linds. Just mine."

"Why? Why do you even want me?"

"Stop it. Stop letting it talk, stop listening to it."

"I need you to love me but I don't think you should. I'm such a mess, Adam."

"You are not. And even if you were I would still love you anyway. I'm not perfect. I have my own weaknesses and you love me no matter what. Do you think I'm less of a person than you are because I wouldn't love you no matter what?"

"No! No, I don't. I just… this is bad, Adam. It's so bad. I can't even… I don't know what to do."

"Baby, listen to me. We're going to get through this. You and me. We'll get help, we'll do whatever you need. I love you and I'm not going to let you go. Never. Do you understand me?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to call Emily tomorrow and see if you can get an appointment in the next few days?"

"Yeah."

"Austin told me what you told her."

"I know. I knew she was going to call you as soon as I left."

"Does that bug you?"

"No. I was going to tell you tonight, she just… got to me first. You guys have been talking about it, huh?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I start to see things and I ask her if she notices too. If she doesn't then I know it's just my mind running away with me. I know you don't want to feel like we're constantly looking over your shoulder. We're really not. It's just easier to know someone else is looking out for you too."

"I just don't want to be a burden. I don't want to wear you out. I know it's hard to deal with. I know if it was reversed I would be so scared and I wouldn't know what to do or how to take care of you and I would be frustrated and mad and… I don't want you to feel any of that."

"Sweetheart, for now, until we figure this thing out, please don't worry about me. Please. We both need to focus on you right now."

"But you matter too."

"Yes I do, but sometimes in life you have to put one thing to the side to take care of something else. It doesn't mean that thing is any less important. It's just that the other thing is a little more time sensitive."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Lindsay. Absolutely nothing."

"I didn't tell you right away."

"That's alright. I know it takes you a while to figure out the words. I was tracking with you. You didn't leave me in the dark."

"I'm scared."

"I am too."

"I don't know where the thoughts come from. I don't know why I get them. I don't want to leave you and the boys. Never."

"I know you don't."

"I've never thought those things before."

"Can you tell me about it?"

She shook her head and looked away, not wanting to meet his eyes. Out of fear or shame, she wasn't sure.

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to scare you. I don't want you to think I'm dangerous. I don't want you to keep the boys from me or think that you have to constantly be with me to make sure something doesn't happen."

"Lindsay, you need to tell me. Please."

She didn't know where to start, she didn't know what she was ready to say or what he was prepared to hear. He put on a good face, but she didn't know if he could actually handle it.

"Sometimes… when I'm walking to work," she started, her voice shaking. "I s-stand on the corner and I just… I wonder what it would be like to step out into traffic. I don't know why. I just think about what would happen. It's like I'm a different person."

If he hadn't been holding her as tightly as he could before, he sure was now. He wanted to be strong for her but the truth was that he was terrified. Not of her, really. He was scared that one day the curiosity or the crazy desire would get to be too much and she would actually do something. She might actually step off the curb. And then he would lose her completely.

A fresh batch of tears started for both of them and he kissed her gently, not knowing what else to do. She clung desperately to him, wanting to bury herself inside him where it was safe until everything went away, until she was well again.

It wasn't until that moment that she realized that she was still holding onto hope. She was still looking at this as having an end, as getting better. The idea of it nearly gave her a thrill. She always worried that it would be forever, that it would never go away, never get better. But right now, she somehow knew it would. It wouldn't be easy. It may take a long time. Still, there was a small part of her that knew someday, somehow, it would be okay again.

"I don't want to leave you," she assured after a moment. "I don't want to leave and I would never want to take you with me. I would never do something like that. Not to you and not to the boys. I still have enough rationality left in me. You don't have to believe that. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't."

"I believe you, Linds. I really do. I'm just scared that one day it's going to be too much for you."

"I am too."

"Do you know what starts it? Those thoughts?"

"I don't know. They just pop up sometimes. I don't know how to change it."

"How do you keep yourself from stepping off that curb?"

"I think about you telling the boys what happened. I can't do that to you. I can't do it to them either. They don't deserve to grow up without their mother. You shouldn't have to be both parents."

He sighed and tucked her hair back, wiping away the tears that marked her face. He hated how much she hurt and how guilty she felt about it. It wasn't her fault.

"Mama?"

They looked up and found Colton in the doorway, tears trickling down his face as he chewed in his finger. They knew he hadn't heard anything, they had been talking too quietly, but he knew something was very wrong.

"Come here baby," she said, holding her hands out for him. He hesitated for a moment then walked to her, settling in her lap and wrapping his arms around her.

"What's 'a matter, mama?"

She looked up at Adam for help, not sure what she was supposed to say. She wasn't going to lie to him but she didn't want to tell him the awful truth either.

"Why you so sad?"

Adam cleared his throat and moved them a little so he could look his son in the eye.

"Colton, I don't want to think that this is because you did anything wrong. You didn't buddy."

"But why is you and mama cryin'?"

"We don't want you to worry, but mama is sick."

"Like throwin' up?"

"No. This is a different kind of sick. It's a kind of sick where mama is very sad all the time. Even if there's nothing to be sad about."

"Because why?"

"We don't know. It's just something that happens to people sometimes."

"Well… I could make you happy, right mama?"

"You can, and you do, Colton. But this kind of sickness, it takes away all the happy from me. That's not your fault, it's because I'm sick."

"Are you gonna go to the doctor and get better?"

"I'm going to try."

"You be okay tomorrow?"

"No, not tomorrow. It's going to take a while, buddy. I'm going to do my very best to get better soon, but it might take some time."

"That why you don't wanna play no more? Are you sleepy 'cuz you sick?"

"Yeah."

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"How did you get sick? Somebody cough on you?"

"No, sweetie. This is different. This sickness is in my head. It makes my brain act funny and that makes me act funny."

"Will I get sick too?"

"No, you won't."

"What 'bout daddy?"

"Daddy won't get sick either. This is something that doesn't happen very often. You don't need to worry about it, okay? I'll be all better as soon as I can."

"I not like it when you cry."

"I don't like it either. Sometimes it makes me feel better though."

"When I cry it just hurt my eyeballs. Can I help you feel better?"

"You just keep giving mama lots of hugs and love," Adam said. "That helps a lot."

"That no skin off my nose. I love huggin' mama."

She smiled and brushed the last tear off his cheek.

"Is the doctor gonna give you medicine?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"But what if you think it taste icky and you hide it in the couch like I hide my fever chewies?" he asked, referring to the chewable fever reducer she'd given him a few weeks ago when he had a cold. "Then you won't get better."

"I won't hide my medicine. I'll take it, I promise. I want to get better no matter what."

"Is you gonna be mad that I hide my chewies?"

"No, I'm not mad. Just don't do it next time I give them to you, alright?"

"Okay. That will make you happy," he decided with a nod.

"Mama!" Ben shouted from the other room. "P.U!"

"Him got a bad diaper," Colton sighed. "I could change it."

"No, that's okay. I'll do it," Lindsay said, standing up from the floor, suddenly feeling frigid at the loss of contact. They boys watched her go and Colton turned to Adam, his face scrunched up in a frown.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"What I do wrong? I thought I bein' so good. I do my best, really. You tell me what I did bad and I say sorry and then mama okay again, right?"

Adam hugged him as tight as he could, working up the strength to keep his voice level as he spoke.

"Colton, you didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. Do you understand me?"

"But why she so sad?"

"It's not something that we can really understand, buddy. But you have to know it's not something you or me or Ben did. Nobody did anything wrong."

"But why it happen? Why to _my_ mama?"

"I don't know. I really wish I knew so I could fix it better, but I don't know. I really don't know."

"I just love mama. I want her to be happy and not cryin' or tired."

"Me too."

"I want her to take me on the swing at the park. And I will sit on her lap and we can swing very high like all the time before. And I wanna play tickle monster too. And hugs and kisses and when she reads me books and she do silly talking."

"I know buddy. And I'm sorry she can't do that right now. She really wants to though. It's just so hard for her."

"She really get better, right? What if when Ben is a big boy like me, mama not better yet? He not know how… that… when she laughin' and how it makes your tummy feel good. Ben not 'amember that. His tummy will never feel good."

"Yes it will. Mama will get better, I promise. Sometimes the sickness might come back for a while, but we'll always make it go away again. You don't need to worry, okay? You just trust me. Trust me that this is going to be alright."

"Okay. She will be all better."

"Yes, she will."

"I will be brave for mama. She need me to be brave."

"That will help a lot."

"Daddy, I will be brave for you too. You could talk to me 'bout it if you want."

"We'll see. Now, what do you think about ordering pizza and popping some popcorn and having a movie night?"

"I think that is a good idea, daddy. And even could we have some pop?"

"Maybe a little."

"Could we watch the dragon movie? I really like that one."

"I know. I like it too."

Colton grinned and hugged him tightly.

"Everythin' gonna be okay."

* * *

Her right foot twitched uncontrollably and she couldn't slow her breathing. She thought calling Emily for an appointment would mean waiting a week until a slot opened up. But as soon as she had started talking, Emily had made her an appointment for the next day. She hadn't had time to prepare for this. She wasn't good at this counseling thing. She didn't like bearing her soul to someone. It took enough out of her just telling Adam and Austin, and she trusted them completely. It's not to say that she didn't trust Emily too. Emily had heard it all from her and had listened as well. She respected Lindsay's desire to never take medication, she asked questions for clarification, she called when Lindsay missed an appointment, instead of having her secretary do it. Lindsay felt safe and taken care of with her, but that didn't mean it was easy.

She wanted to run out of here, go home and hug the boys until the anxiety went away. She wasn't ready for this. She needed someone to hold her hand and she couldn't do this alone. Just as she was getting ready to make an excuse, the door opened and Emily stepped into the waiting room.

"Lindsay, are you ready?"

She took a deep breath and stood up.

"Yeah."

The office door closed quietly behind them and Lindsay sat down on the couch, breathing deeply and trying to calm herself.

"Do you need a minute?" Emily asked, sitting down in the chair across from her.

"No. No, I'm okay."

"I know it's hard to come back. You told me a lot on the phone. Do you want to add to any of that?"

"I um… I don't know where to start. I feel like I've talked and talked and talked and I haven't gotten anywhere."

"Do you feel like no one's listening to you?"

"No, they're listening. I know they're listening. I just don't know what good it's doing."

"Is that why you decided to try this again?"

"Yes. It's just so bad this time, it's to the point where I'm scared and I don't know if I'm going to make it. I have a husband and two little boys that need me and I don't want them to be hurt by this. By me. I have to fix myself or everything is going to fall apart."

"Why don't you tell me what you feel is the most important thing to work on first."

"I need to feel better. I need all the thoughts to go away. I need the exhaustion to go away. I need the anger to go away. I can't learn how to deal with it next time if I am sitting in the middle of it right now. I'm tired of being hurt and scared and I'm tired of everyone worrying about me. I can't do this anymore. I can't live like this."

Her voice broke on the last word and Emily reached over to touch her hand.

"That's a good place to start, Lindsay. A very good place. I know that you know how hard this is going to be and I need you to commit to this or you're not going to get anywhere."

"I'm doing it. For real, I promise. I'll do anything. My life just can't be like this anymore."

"Is Adam on board with this?"

"Yes."

"Would he be willing to come in with you if the need arises?"

"Yes."

"You have friends and co-workers you can trust with this?"

She nodded and took a deep breath, already feeling things come into perspective. The talking was calming her a lot. It didn't take the thoughts away but it didn't give them something to feed on either. She didn't feel as if she was being attacked from the inside. She knew the feeling wasn't going to last and it was going to be a tough road, but she could hold on. She still had strength. She still had reason.

* * *

"You two are scarin' me," Danny said, crossing his arms over his chest and watching the way Adam and Austin both fiddled with their glasses of iced tea. "What's goin' on? It's Lindsay, right?"

"Yeah," Austin answered, clearing her throat.

"Depression," he guessed, having noticed how off she had been lately.

"Yes."

"Okay, well it's happened before. We've helped her before. Why do you two look like it's the end of the world? She's smart, she's strong-"

"She wants to die."

Danny's head snapped up at that, narrowing his eyes at his wife as if she had just told him the world was flat.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not Montana. No. She doesn't… she wouldn't… Adam, it can't be all that bad."

"It doesn't make sense, I agree," Adam noted. "But it's how she feels."

"So what are we sayin' here? Are we talkin' about havin' someone with her all the time?"

"No, it's not like that, Danny," Austin clarified. "It's just… it's really serious this time. She needs us, all of us. Adam and I, we can listen a lot, we can help in that way. But you're her partner. She's going to need you when neither of us can be there."

"She might not say much, Danny, but you're pretty good at reading her. Just watch her a little closer."

"She knows you're tellin' me this?"

"She knows. She says she doesn't want anyone else knowing. She said to just keep it in the family and no one else needs to know."

He sighed and rested his chin on steepled fingers. He knew this was something Lindsay struggled with, he'd seen it in the past, he'd been there when the anger came out and Austin was the one feeling the force of it. He'd seen her work sometimes slow down and sometimes go at an almost frenetic pace. He'd watched her steel herself at crime scenes, he'd seen her sitting quietly in their office with the lights out long after she should have gone home. This wasn't a huge surprise. But the fact that it was this deep and this dark really had him thrown for a loop. Besides those rough patches, she was the happiest person he knew. She teased and laughed and could always snap out of a grumpy mood. She made him laugh when there was too much weighing on his shoulders. He couldn't reconcile that person with what they were telling him.

"What do I do then?"

"Just be there if she needs you. Don't make too much of it, she needs some things to stay the same. She needs stability. We all need to give her that right now. As much normal as possible."

"She might be taking a leave of absence from work," Adam added.

"Why, to check herself into some hospital?" Danny asked skeptically, not really enthused with the idea.

"No. It's just a lot for her to handle. She went to see her counselor yesterday, and she got a prescription that might help. She needs time to let it work, and it's easier if she can do that at home."

Danny sighed and shook his head. He was going to have a hard time figuring out what to do here, even if they spelled it out for him. It just didn't make sense.

"Look, I wouldn't be asking anyone else for help with this," Adam said finally. "I'd try to do it on my own and I'd screw it up. I need you guys to help me help her. I don't know what else to do. And I need to know if I can rely on you guys or not."

He left the question hinging on the two of them, even though he already knew Austin was all in.

"Yeah, buddy, I'll be there."

"Thanks. I'd better go, I should get the boys from Faye so we can be there when she gets home."

"Call us if you need anything."

"I will. Thanks guys."

Adam left he apartment, feeling slightly better at the promise of reinforcements, but disappointed in himself for needing them. She was his wife. He'd been entrusted with her care, both physically and emotionally, and even though he understood the beast of depression, that didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that he couldn't fix her himself. He wanted to snap his fingers and make all the hurt go away, but maybe all the work is what she needed. The proof that he would always be there, through everything, that he would fight for her. Maybe the struggle is what would save her.


	137. Chapter 137

Over the next few days, Lindsay found that if she kept herself busy, made schedules and had a little control on things, she was able to keep her demons at bay. If she didn't have time to sit and think about them, they didn't have the ability to become stronger and eat her alive. It wasn't a solution, just temporary coping until she figured out how she wanted to handle it.

The prescription sat in her purse, waiting to be filled. Adam had done research on the drug, but it was fairly new and there wasn't a lot available. She'd been prescribed the lowest dose possible, but she was still worried about what it would do to her. She'd tried several different kinds in the past and all of them sent her into a stupor, sometimes making her sleep, sometimes making the depression even worse. Playing with levels and combinations had eaten up enough of her life already, and now when she had so much more to live for, she was increasingly hesitant to give herself over to chemicals. But things were bad and she really needed some kind of help, even if she didn't like it. She was different now, drugs were different now, and maybe they could find something that would work.

The phone rang loudly and she cringed, having found herself sensitive to sudden sharp noises.

"Hello?"

"Hey Linds."

"Hey Aust. What's up?"

"I was just wondering if you guys were going to see Flack and Jess tonight."

"Yeah, when Adam gets off work. Why?"

"Because I made them dinner, more specifically, I went and ordered them a lasagna and I can't get it to them tonight so I was hoping if you were going over there you could stop off on the way and get it."

"Yeah, we can. Did you see them last night?"

"Yeah, neener neener. Tiniest babies I've ever held. Maybe except for Colton, but they're pretty little."

"Is Flack a blubbering mess?"

"I wish. He's very protective, even told me to make sure I supported their heads."

"To the woman with three kids he says this."

"He's a dad. It's kind of endearing."

"How's Jess?"

"Well, remember what it's like with a newborn?"

"Yes."

"Times two plus a Flack."

"I'll bring her some chocolate."

"Good plan. How's your brain today?"

"Pretty sure I'm going to give myself ADD, but other than that."

"Well you and Adam will match then."

"I'll order the jogging suits tomorrow."

"In complimentary colors. Can I do anything for you?"

"Um, not right now. Can we talk tomorrow maybe?"

"Absolutely. I'm working nights right now, so any time during the day."

"Thanks."

"And Isa just dumped an entire bag of flour on the floor, so I gotta go."

"Don't vacuum it up or use water."

"Got it. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye."

She hung up the phone and shook her head. Almost every conversation ended with someone's child spilling something on the ground. She could count on one hand the number of times it hadn't.

"Now Ben, we is walkin' on a tightrope like in the circus," Colton was saying. "If you fall off you will crack your head on the ground and then die. So you can't fall off."

Lindsay peeked around the corner and watched as they carefully walked across the uncurled ribbon they'd placed on the floor. Colton held his hands out at his side and pretended to loose his balance and recover nicely a few times. Ben wasn't sure what to do really, so he copied Colton, save for the fact that he stayed nowhere near the line.

"Yay, we did it! Now we is gonna be lion tamers. Qwerty is our lion, okay? He's vicious. He's gonna jump through this hoop right here."

He held up their nylon play tunnel and directed Ben to the other side.

"Now you gotta call him Ben and make him go through."

"Woof!" Ben said, patting his legs. The dog looked from him to Colton, then sauntered off in search of something else to do.

"Our lion's tired today. I guess we just gotta be clowns. Now, we are going to juggle. Here, you have daddy's socks and I will juggle… um… maybe I will juggle our sippy cups. We gotsta throw them and catch them, right Ben? Here we go!"

They threw the objects into the air and Colton scrambled to catch them while Ben waited until they fell to the ground to pick them up.

"Yay!" he shouted, jumping up and down.

"We done it, Ben! One more time!"

They repeated the previous actions, except this time in his haste to get the falling sippy cups, Colton tripped over Ben. They tumbled to the floor with laughter and stayed there for a while.

"That what daddy says is slapstick clowns. Gettin' theirselves hurt all the time."

"Do slapstick clowns walk around with flat tires on their feet?" Lindsay asked, noting the way both boys had their socks slid down their feet so there was extra hanging off their toes.

"Thems are our clown shoes, mama."

"Oh, I see. Well what happens next at the circus?"

"Um, I don't remember from when daddy taked me."

"Were there acrobats?"

"You mean the jumpin' people? Yeah, Ben, come on, we gonna be acrobats and jump on the big bed. Hurry up!"

They ran into the room and Lindsay followed close behind, not minding them jumping on the bed, but not wanting either of them to take a header off of it either. They bounced around giggling for several minutes and Lindsay even worked up enough energy to pretend she was a savage beast out to eat their toes. They squealed with laughter as she took them down and tickled them until they couldn't breathe.

"Mama, that was fun," Colton said as she climbed up on the bed with them. "We could do it again tomorrow, huh?"

"I think I could work that in."

"It's okay if you get too tired."

"I'll try my best."

He rolled over and patted her face, then kissed her forehead like Adam did.

"I love playin' with you mama."

"I love playing with you too."

"You my favorite."

"Really?"

"Yep. Right Ben, mama's our favorite huh?"

Ben nodded and crawled over to Lindsay's other side, staring deep into her eyes before he gave her a half smile. She reached up and ran her finger over his cheek and for a moment they just looked at each other. She had always known he was more in tune with her than Colton was. He could tell when she was in a bad mood, even if she did an award winning job at covering it up. All he had to do was look in her eyes.

After a moment he curled up against her side, sucking his thumb and rubbing his free hand over her ear. She smiled as Colton copied Ben's position, one arm around her and one hand playing with her hair. Her eyes fell closed and for a moment she let time simply stop so she could record this moment and this feeling forever. It was beautiful and perfect. It was love and happiness. It was just her and her babies, nothing dark, nothing bad, nothing between them.

"Hey, daddy's home and no one comes runnin'?" Adam called from the other room.

"We's in here snugglin' mama! We can't come runnin'!" Colton hollered back.

Adam chuckled as he entered the room, kicking off his shoes and laying down next to Ben.

"Well I wanna snuggle mama too. Is that okay?"

"You gotta share that side with Ben."

"But she was mine first!"

"Yeah, but she my mama. She just your wife."

"Well I love her more."

"No daddy, you do not! I love her more!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

Lindsay grinned as they fought over her, wondering how this was going to end. Ben sighed and looked up at her, then crawled up onto her chest and buried his face in her neck. He may not have been able to verbalize it, but he was quite sure that he loved mama the most.

"Wait a minute, do you love mama more than you love me?" Adam asked, feigning shock.

"Well… um… that is different, daddy."

"How's it different?"

"I love you for bein' a daddy and I love mama for bein' a mama."

"Yeah Adam, it's apples and oranges," Lindsay teased while he leaned over and kissed her cheek.

"Yeah, just like what mama said."

"Fine, I give up. But I still loved mama way before you did."

"That's only 'cuz you _had_ to love mama or I woulda never been borned."

"He's got you there honey."

"I guess he does. Okay you win."

Colton giggled and nodded, happy with his success.

"I still love you more," Adam whispered as he kissed her.

"Yeah, I know."

"Are we gonna leave?" Colton asked, sitting up and using both hands to push his hair off of his forehead.

"In a little bit."

"Yeah, give me a few minutes to snuggle mama too."

"Daddy, you are so weird. Come on Ben, let's go get our shoes on. Leave the crazies alone."

"Mm'kay," Ben agreed, sliding off the bed and following him out of the room.

"So how was your day?" Adam asked, scooting closer and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I couldn't sleep after you left, so I got up and I… I reorganized the closet."

"Which one?"

"Um… all of them. And then I cleaned the kitchen and then the boys got up and while they ate breakfast I cleaned the bathroom. And at some point I switched out all the winter clothes for summer clothes and put some of the boys stuff in boxes for the thrift store and I made dinner and I thought we could take it to the park and have a picnic."

"Sounds good."

She sighed and played with his fingers for a moment.

"Linds."

"I know, Adam. I know. I just… can't slow down."

"If it helps you get through the day, I'm all for it."

"Okay."

"I love you sweetheart, no matter what."

"I love you too."

He squeezed her a little tighter and ran his fingers over her arm to help calm her just a little.

"I think it might be time to fill that prescription though."

"I really don't want to," she said on a long sigh.

"I know."

"I'm scared. I don't know what it's going to do to me. What if it gives me nightmares or makes all of this worse or-"

"Stop."

"What?"

"It's okay to worry, but the more you worry the worse it's going to be. Just relax."

"Good joke honey. Just relax? Right, like I can do that."

"I don't mean that you ignore that you're scared. But if you get yourself all worked up about it, nothing is going to help."

"I know."

"I work tomorrow and then I have the next two days off. If you want, you can start with the meds after I get home tomorrow, and then I'll be here for a few days if they don't work or if it gets bad or if you just need me. Will that work?"

"Yeah. I want to get better Adam, I swear I do. I'm just… I don't… I'm scared of what it's going to take to get there."

"I am too, baby. But I'll be right there. I won't let you go. You're not doing it alone like you did before. You have me now and I'm not going away."

"I know."

"Okay, deep breath," he coached, wiping away a stray tear that had snuck from her eye. "We better get movin'."

She nodded and pulled him down for a long kiss, keeping contact until the butterflies in her stomach were gone.

* * *

"So how come you gots to have two babies Jess?" Colton asked curiously, quirking his eyebrow but making no other movements while he held the baby carefully.

"Because sometimes that happens."

"Like when a cow on Papa's farm has two babies?"

"Well I don't think I'm like a cow, but sure."

"Well who was borned first? I think boys is always borned first, but Isa's a girl and she was borned first and even Sarah was borned a'fore Junior."

Jess chuckled and adjusted the pillow under his arm.

"Liam was born first, but his sister wasn't too far behind."

"Well then Liam, that means you a big brother and you gotta take care of your sister Teagan a'cuz that your job. Even though you not that much bigger right now. Did he understand me?"

"We'll make sure to tell him later," Flack chuckled. Colton nodded and turned to Lindsay seriously.

"I think it time for us to have a baby sister."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. We just got brothers in our house."

"So you think we need to balance out?"

"I don't know what you sayin', but I think I need a sister."

"You're going to have to talk to your daddy about that one."

"Hmm. Okay."

The conversation turned to more adult things and Colton tuned it out concentrating on holding Liam just right so he was comfortable. It made his arms tired, but he could remember holding Ben and Junior when they were babies and he knew if he moved the tiniest bit, it wouldn't be so bad anymore.

"Hey Liam, I gotta tell you somethin'. I am the biggest of all us kids, and 'cuz you don't got a big brother, I could pretend to be your brother if you want. And Isa will be your big sister. 'Cuz we is all a family 'round here, that what the grown ups say. Also, I will teach you to ride a skateboard. Uncle Danny is teachin' me, but don't tell my mama. It's a secret."

Pretty soon it was time to go and Colton sighed, relinquishing Liam back to his mother.

"I could come back and hold him again? Or maybe I could hold Teagan next time. I am pretty good at holdin' babies you know."

"Yeah, you're very good at it," Jess agreed with a smile. "You can come over whenever your mama says it's okay."

"You hear that, babies? I will be back," he said softly as they headed out the door. "Really mama, you gots to have a sister for me."

"I don't know. Maybe someday."

He sighed as they waited for the elevator.

"Daddy, tell mama I need a sister."

"I don't know, buddy. I think mama and I are happy with the two boys we've got. Maybe someday we'll decide to have another baby, but for right now, we're pretty much set."

"Okay. I guess I will just have to wait."

"I guess so."

The truth was that they really did want another baby. They figured it would happen when it happened, but with everything so up in the air right now, they weren't sure it was such a good idea at the moment. Things needed to settle down and get on an even keel again before it would be fair to even think about such things. It may end up being an unfulfilled dream too, and they had to accept that. Things may never get to a place where having another baby would be good for any of them. They were both well aware that this depression affected everything in their lives.

"Hey Ben, when we get to the park, you is big enough now to do the teeter totter with me. I promise not to shoot you to the moon and I won't let you drop to the floor either."

"'Kay!" Ben agreed as Adam started the car and they headed for the park.

"And then we could go on the slide. 'Cept you have to be careful and put your feet on the ground at the end or you will fall on your tushie and all the air will go out of you."

"Oh."

"I will show you, Benny. Don't worry. I will show you."

Ben nodded while Lindsay and Adam snickered in the front seat. Colton was constantly trying to talk like an adult and mostly it just came out sounding so funny they had to laugh. He wasn't aware that they laughed at him though, so he just kept prattling on, to anyone who would listen.

They arrived at the park and Colton ran across the grass, headed for the teeter totter.

"C'mon Ben hurry! Mama will help you," he said, climbing into the seat and holding onto the handles. Ben was soon situated in his seat, laughing as he watched his brother high up in the air. But as soon as it was his turn he started to panic, gripping the handle and shaking his head.

"No, no, no, no. Down. Mama, down."

Lindsay chuckled and returned him to the ground, taking him out of the seat and making sure Colton made it back to earth okay too.

"Are you all done?" she asked as he wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Done," he repeated, eyeing the teeter totter warily.

"Benny, I will take you on the slide. Just the little one, 'kay?" Colton asked, crouching down to his eye level. Ben hesitated a moment, then let go of Lindsay and took Colton's hand. They walked over to the small play structure and Colton helped Ben up the ladder. Lindsay started to go over there, just in case a foot slipped, but she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Let them go," Adam whispered. "They're okay."

She sighed and watched as the boys sat at the top of the slide, conversing quietly for a moment before they scooted around so they could slide together. Colton wrapped his arms around Ben and pushed off and they zipped into the plastic tube. Squeals of laughter erupted from both of them in the few seconds before they came out the other side, their feet hitting the ground.

"Mo!" Ben shouted, requesting another go. Colton laughed and took his hand and they repeated the process over a few more times. Lindsay's heart swelled up in her chest, almost painfully as she watched them. They were so happy and loved each other so much and she wondered why this darkness had to come and be in the way of her always seeing that.

Adam's arm tightened around her as if he was reading her mind and he pressed his lips to hers.

"It's alright, babe. All of it. It's alright."

"I know. I was worried that this was going to hurt them but… I think they're fine. Look how happy they are."

"They look like you when they laugh."

"And they sound like you."

"Pretty perfect I think."

"I agree," she sighed, letting the smile crack across her face.

* * *

"Adam, I think they are sufficiently messy," Lindsay chuckled, watching as the melty popsicles dripped from the boys to the floor.

"Want me to pitch them in the tub?"

"Yeah, I think we're going to have to. They've both got grass stains on their knees."

Adam came into the room and laughed at the state of his sons, who were dirty and sticky and shirtless, pantsless, and shoeless. Ben still had one sock on, but it was covered in blue popsicle.

"Well, it's summer," he said, stepping over a puddle of red sugar water. "Did you guys even try to eat those things?"

"They was cold," Colton answered, chasing the last bit of popsicle down his arm. He finally managed to get it, but left a red streak all the way to his elbow. Lindsay just smiled as she leaned against the counter, loving how sunkissed and outdoorsy they looked.

"Okay, bath time," she said. Her mind clicked into overdrive and captured the split second when they both looked up at her and smiled, the evening sun glinting through their hair, bouncing off their big brown eyes. She breathed deeply and hoped to log that into the memory banks forever.

"Can we have bubbles?" Colton asked, tipping his head to the side, the same way Adam did when he asked for a back rub.

"Sure, why not."

"Yay!"

They ran off into the bathroom where Adam was already filling the tub and pouring in a generous amount of Mr. Bubbles. The boys whooped and hollered until he lifted them into the warm water where they immediately started playing some game involving submarines and horses. Adam managed to get them both clean somewhere in the middle of their made-up world, then ended up joining in.

Lindsay would have joined in too, but she was busy pacing the kitchen, warding off the anxiety attack that was starting in her chest. She was getting tired and the laughter echoing off the tiles in the bathroom was only teasing her now frayed nerves. She didn't know how it happened so fast, but she had to get out of there, to somewhere that it was quiet. Adam had seen the look on her face and knew what was happening, even though it had never happened before and she hadn't spoken a word.

She heard the tub start draining and she retreated to the bedroom, closing the door because she just didn't know if she could take it. She paced back and forth, stopping every few steps to straighten the bed or rearrange the stuff on top of the dresser. She was fidgeting and she knew it, but the bunching of her muscles made it almost impossible to stop moving. She cracked her knuckles and listened to the bedtime rituals in the other room. A chapter of a book, a short whispered conversation, and hugs and kisses before the lights went out. She hated to miss it, but tonight she had to.

"Hey," Adam said softly, coming into the room. "What happened?"

"I don't know. I don't know."

"C'mere baby," he said, pulling her into his arms. He held her tight enough that she couldn't get away and he could feel the exhaustion taking over. She'd pushed herself too hard today, didn't store up enough energy reserves to make it until she fell asleep. That's all it was. They swayed gently and he dropped a kiss to her hair while she let her brain slow back down. It took a few minutes as her mind ran through its image bank, flashing on the mental pictures that she held so dearly. They brought her back to a place where she was safe again, where she wasn't worried about falling farther, just about holding on.

"I need to go to sleep," she said finally. He didn't reply, just moved to the bed and pulled the blankets back, guiding her to sit on the mattress. He took her shaking hands in his and kissed her fingertips slowly before urging her to lay back against the pillows. She sighed as he removed her socks and her shirt, then slowly slid her jeans off and dropped them to the floor. He left her tanktop on and replaced the blankets over her, then brushed her hair back from her face.

"I love you, dearlin'," he said, kissing her softly. She smiled at his combination of dear and darling, a term he hadn't used in a very long time.

"I love you too. Thank you."

"Infinity. Go to sleep baby. I'll still be holdin' your hand."


	138. Chapter 138

The small pill rolled back and forth on the palm of her hand, as she contemplated taking it. It was such a small object, but it could really change things. For bad or for good. It was terrifying to think how something that she could crush between her fingers could also make or break her. She'd woken this morning with apprehension, knowing what was coming. Austin had listened to about ten minutes of waffling on the subject before she laid down some tough love.

"_Linds, you can take it or not. It doesn't matter to me or anyone else. Just make sure that you don't make your decision just because you're scared, because you could miss out on something that might be good. I love you no matter what you do or who you are. You do this for you."_

Adam had said much the same thing, all day long sending her texts saying that she was brave and strong and he would always love her. The words helped her to feel better, but they didn't change the fact that this was a risk.

"Babe, are you gonna eat?" Adam asking, pulling her chair out from the table

"Yeah," she whispered, sitting down and setting the pill on the table.

"What's that mama?"

"It's just medicine. Eat your dinner."

Adam reached over and took her hand, stroking his thumb over her knuckles while they ate quietly. After a moment she sighed and picked up the pill, looking it over a few times before finally putting it in her mouth and swallowing it. Adam squeezed her hand, knowing how difficult that simple act had been for her. He knew the nervousness was making her nauseous, but she ate her dinner anyway, trying to put on a good face for the boys. He was proud of her for all that she was doing and he was going to do everything he could to make sure she knew that.

"Well boys I guess since you're playing with your dinner you're done eating."

"I guess we're full. Time to go play?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Adam said, reaching over and wiping Ben's face and hands before they dashed into the other room.

"You alright love?"

"Yeah. I just… I should have told you what happened before. What it was like."

"If you want to tell me you can, but you don't have to. I don't want you letting yourself think this is going to be like last time. Okay?"

"I know."

"Let's just live in the moment for now."

"Alright."

He tugged on her hand and she moved over into his lap, resting against him and sighing.

"I love you, Linds."

"I know. Thank you for taking care of me."

"You're welcome. I have a feeling I might not get to keep you otherwise."

She gave a half smile and stood from the table.

"Want to help me with the dishes?"

"Sure. Want to make me some popcorn later?"

"Half burnt? Sure."

He smiled and stood up, kissing her deeply.

"I'm proud of you, sweetie. I hope you know that."

"I know."

"Come on, let's not sit here and get our heads all in a twist about this. Whatever happens is going to happen and it doesn't need to take up our time right now."

"Thank for the perspective babe."

They piled the dishes into the sink and started to wash them, forgoing the dishwasher because it used a lot of water and ran loud. It had always been something they liked to do together anyway, and reminded them both of the early days. She loved the way he would snake his hand under the bubbles and wrap his fingers around hers teasingly before retreating and going back to drying a plate. It always made her stomach do flips and she would look over at him accusingly and he would smile back like nothing had just happened. She called him a jerk and he smiled and leaned over and kissed her, pulling away just when she decided to give in.

"You're so mean," she pouted, grabbing a palm full of bubbles and blowing them in his face.

"You love me. Hard."

She made a gagging noise and he splashed dirty dishwater on her before pushing her gently against the counter and kissing her properly. She wanted to pull him closer but her hands were soapy so she used them to brace herself against the counter.

"Do you have any idea how bad I want you right now?" he whispered before running his lips over her ear.

"Probably the same amount you always do," she managed to reply as he moved on to her neck.

"Nah. More."

"Why do you always do this when the boys are awake?"

"Because it drives you crazy."

"Gonna drive you crazier in about three seconds when one of them wanders in here and asks what we're doing."

He sighed and moved away from her, shaking his head.

"Babe, you really know how to kill a mood."

"Don't blame this on me. You started it about two hours too early."

"So you're saying if I try again in two hours?"

"I might fall asleep before that."

"I could turn a movie on for the boys…"

The look in his eyes had an interesting agreement on the tip of her tongue, but that went away as they both heard little feet shuffling across the floor.

"Hi mama."

"Hi Ben."

"Play?"

"Yeah, we'll come play in a few minutes. Just give me and daddy some time to finish our own game, okay?"

Adam snickered as Ben nodded and ran out of the room.

"Linds."

"What?"

"You're… amazing."

She smiled and hugged him tightly.

"You're not so bad yourself. I love you."

"I love you too sweetie. Come on, let's go take care of those things that we caused with the other thing."

* * *

She'd fallen asleep relaxed and happy, not even worried about what the pill was going to do to her. She'd actually forgotten about it completely as he showed her how real his love was. Now she laid next to him, sleeping deeply, wrapped warmly in the blankets while he sat awake checking the internet again for the kinds of things to expect if the medication went wrong. He knew he was scaring himself with it, but he needed to be prepared for this. He needed to know how best to help her if something happened.

So far he had found that the most common side effects were a worsening of the feelings of depression, more thoughts of suicide, higher levels of anxiety, and a disturbance in sleep habits. These were things she was aware of and afraid of, and they both knew what to look for, so he wasn't worried about it taking either of them by surprise. He just didn't want her to give up on this because she was scared or it was too hard.

It was a few hours later, almost one in the morning when she whimpered in her sleep and rolled over. He glanced over at her, watching in the artificial light of the computer to see if she was breathing normally. It was a little fast, but not enough to worry him. He kept vigil for a moment, reaching over to rub her back before he went back to work. He really should try and go to sleep, it was getting late and he knew the boys would be up early. Sighing, he turned the computer off and put it on the side table before settling into bed. His eyes had been closed for less than a minute before he heard her whimpering again.

"No," she muttered, her body tensing as if she had just been slapped. "Stop."

"Linds."

"Let me go!" she shouted suddenly. "Leave me alone. Let me die."

"Lindsay!" he said, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her into a sitting position. She arched her back and tried to get away from him, twisting back and forth in a desperate attempt to be free.

"Kill me," she wailed as he held on. "Kill me now. I want to die."

He knew it was a nightmare, knew she was in a horrible state of sleep addled mind, but he couldn't bear hearing the words coming from her. He couldn't stand the feeling it gave him and he felt his own tears starting as he held her.

"Lindsay, wake up. Please baby, wake up. You're safe. I have you."

"Let me go. Let me die."

He couldn't handle it anymore and he shook her shoulders, calling her name until a sharp intake of breath told him she was awake.

"No!" she screamed, pushing against him and fighting to get up. She wanted to run, she wanted to run so badly but he wasn't going to let her out of his sight. He didn't know what she was going to try. Her fists crashed into his chest with severity and he knew they were going to leave marks and she would feel guilty in the morning.

"Lindsay, it's Adam. Come back to me."

Her fists moved from his chest up to her head and she pulled at her hair and shook her head back and forth. She was either not fully awake or not aware of what was a dream and what was real.

"Get it out. Get it out of me. I don't want it."

He risked her flying out of his arms as he carefully reached up and pulled her hands down. She twisted again and he almost lost his grip on her, and even though he didn't want to, pinning her down seemed like the best idea at this point. She was still crying and begging to die, her arms almost pinwheeling to push him back. He laid her down against the bed and pinned her arms down, hating what he was doing but knowing no other way. She managed to get one leg free and dealt him a swift kick to his shin.

"Ow! Linds, come on baby, wake up."

She grunted and tried once more to get away as her brain caught up with what was happening and she was allowed to see what was reality.

"Adam?"

"It's okay. It's me. I'm here."

She shuddered out a sob and he fell down beside her, pulling her more gently into his arms. Her entire body was shaking with exertion and she felt as if she was falling so deep, somewhere she would never be able to get out of.

"It's okay love."

"Make it go away," she begged, seeming to almost shrink against him. "It's killing me."

"Shh. It's not killing you. You're still here, I still have you."

"Don't let it take me."

"It won't baby."

"I can't breathe. My chest hurts."

He helped her sit up again and he rubbed her back and shoulders until she managed to catch a regular breath. He could feel the heat of her body through the old t-shirt she was wearing, and wondered if all the exertion had given her a fever. She breathed for a moment and he held her clammy hands between his.

"I'm going to be sick," she said, jumping up from the bed and running into the bathroom. The door slammed behind her and he stood slowly, waiting until the toilet flushed before he opened the door. She was leaning up against the bathtub, her knees pulled to her chest as she rested her cheek against the cool porcelain. Wordlessly he got her a cup of water and brought it to her lips. She took a small sip and sunk back again, closing her eyes.

"Come on baby. You can't sleep in here."

She didn't say anything as he reached down and helped her up, didn't even make a noise when her legs failed her and he carried her back into their bedroom. Quietly, he straightened the blankets and tucked her into them, leaving the room for a moment to get her a glass of fresher water. He set it next to the bed and climbed in next to her, turning on his side and propping his head up on his elbow. She didn't say anything, just stared at the ceiling with a blank expression on her face. He wondered if the lights coming in from outside were messing with her mind, making it harder to relax, but he didn't know what to do to get rid of them. They came through the curtains anyway. He leaned down and nuzzled against her neck, brushing her hair back from her face.

"Lindsay."

She didn't say a word, didn't move, didn't do anything to acknowledge the fact that he had said her name or was even laying there next to her. He wondered for a moment if she had even heard him, and he squeezed her hand to get her attention. She let out a shuddering breath, but didn't make any other moves.

"Sweetie, please look at me," he said, turning her to face him. "I love you. Do you feel that?"

She just stared at him and he sighed, leaning in to kiss her forehead.

"I know you're in there, baby. Please come back to me. Come on, don't let this get you. Please, say something."

She wrinkled her forehead and opened her mouth, but couldn't squeak out a word or even look him in the eyes.

"It's okay. I know you're trying babe. That's all we need. Just try. The rest will come."

He slid his hand over her stomach until he found her skin, then rubbed his thumb back and forth until her hand slowly met his and gripped tightly.

"You're going to be okay, love. It's all going to be okay. I love you so much. I'm never letting you go. No matter what. You're mine."

She sighed and he held her close not knowing if it was better for her to fall asleep or stay awake. Whichever way she went, she needed to be relaxed. He continued moving his thumb back and forth, then laid down and let his other hand stroke through her hair.

"Let it go. You just hold onto me."

* * *

It was a long night in which neither of them slept much. He was too worried about her to relax and she couldn't keep her eyes closed. When morning broke and the boys got up, Adam knew he was going to have to call in reinforcements. He could see it in Lindsay's eyes, she wanted to get up and move, but she just couldn't talk her body into it. He was hoping it would just be one day like this, until the medicine finally released its hold.

He stood from the bed and replaced the blankets around her, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"I'm going to go take care of the boys. You join us when you can, okay?'

She managed a little nod and he brought his hand up to cup her cheek.

"I love you."

Her eyes said it back to him and he gave her a smile before he left the room.

The boys were already in the kitchen, Ben holding onto the chair that Colton had used to climb onto the counter and get them a box of cereal.

"So you guys don't need me here, huh?"

"Want some Cookie Crisp?"

"Now let me tell you a little story about Cookie Crisp," Adam chuckled, taking Colton off the counter and filling two bowls with milk and cereal. "When I was little I never, ever got to have Cookie Crisp."

"Why not?"

"Because your grandma said it was just cookies. I thought it was cereal, but she said it was just cookies and I wasn't allowed to have cookies for breakfast. So one day, I took my Christmas money to the store and I bought a box. But on the way home I realized that I would have to eat all of it before I got home so I wouldn't get in trouble. And lemme tell you son, Cookie Crisp is just cookies."

"So you don't want any?"

"Nah, I'll just have Cap'n Crunch."

"Mama says that's full of sugar and empty cal'ries."

"Yeah, but she bought it anyway. And she eats it when she thinks no one is looking."

"I know 'acuz she's a sneaky lady huh?"

"Yeah, she is."

"Where is mama, daddy?"

"She's still sleeping. She's not feeling good."

"Oh. She sick still huh?"

"Yeah."

"I wish she could get better."

"Me too."

"She taked her medicine, I watched her."

"I know."

Colton sighed and spooned some cereal into his mouth.

"Me and Ben was talkin' and we think it time to go to the zoo 'gain. Ben wantsa see the elephants."

"Oh, Ben does huh?"

"Yep. We should go so he will be happy."

"Maybe tomorrow when mama's feeling better."

"But what will we do today when she is not feeling better?"

"I don't know."

"Can we go outside? It's sunshiney."

Adam sighed and put the milk back in the fridge. He really didn't want to leave Lindsay alone like this especially not for too long. He really hated keeping the boys cooped up though. He was being pulled in too many directions.

"Maybe later mama will be feeling better and we can go somewhere."

"Okay. I hope so. But me and Ben can play in our room if we can't go bye."

"We'll find something fun to do. Maybe I can find the fingerpaints and you can make something for mama."

"That make her feel better."

Adam nodded as his cell phone rang. The call was from Austin and he wondered for a minute why she was calling so early.

"Hey Aust."

"Hey. Sorry for calling so early, I've been up a while."

"That's okay. What's up?"

"How's Linds doing?"

He sighed and went into the other room so the boys wouldn't overhear.

"She had a hard night. We didn't sleep much."

"Nightmares?"

"She had a bad one and it… I don't know, she woke up and now it's like she can't speak or something. She just lays there. She's trying, it's like she can't make the words come out."

Austin sighed on the other end and he knew she was playing with a loose thread from the rip in her jeans.

"What do we do?"

"I have no idea, Aust."

"I um… I could come over."

"No, that's okay. I'm sure you've got other stuff to do today."

"Not really. Danny's brother is coming over, I can escape for a couple hours. I can distract the boys or you can take them and I'll stay with Lindsay."

"You don't have to do that."

"I know. But she would do the same thing for me. And how dare you try to keep me away from my best friend!"

He gave a wry chuckle.

"C'mon Adam. Give yourself some time with the boys. I'll be over after lunch. The end."

"You're a demanding woman, Austin Messer."

"I know what's good for you."

"Okay. I'll see you later then."

He hung up the phone and sat back on the couch, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey daddy?"

"Hey Colton?"

"Mama not sleepin' no more. I go in there and she won't talk to me. She just layin' down."

"I think her throat is hurting her," he lied. "Let's just leave her alone for now, okay? You two go ahead and play while I take a shower."

"Okay daddy. I will keep Ben safe."

"Thanks."

* * *

"She still in bed?" Austin asked, setting a bag of groceries on the counter.

"Yeah. What's that?"

"Get your nose outta here Dum," she said, shoving him away. "It's for Lindsay not you."

"She won't eat."

"Yeah she will."

"No she won't."

"I'll make her."

"Aust, she's not just being stubborn."

"I know that. Just lemme try my way?"

"Okay. I'm just going to take the boys and run some errands. We should only be gone a few hours. And you can call me if you need me. She got… she was fighting pretty hard last night."

"I can handle it. Go. We'll be okay."

He sighed and motioned for the boys to come with him.

"Austin look, all us boys is wearing the same shoes!" Colton exclaimed, looking down at their Chucks.

"Yeah, that's because you're spiffy," Austin replied, leaning down to hug him. "Go have fun with your daddy."

"Okay. You help my mama to feel better."

"I'll do my best Colton."

The boys headed out the door and Austin tiptoed into the bedroom to check on Lindsay. She was in the middle of the bed, turned on her side with the blankets tucked tightly around her and she looked absolutely forlorn.

"Hey," Austin greeted, flopping down on the bed next to her and knowing she wasn't going to respond. "Geez, you guys have a comfortable mattress. You get to sleep on this and I sleep on lumps and springs every night. Not fair. Danny's buying me a new one."

She rolled over and pulled a pillow under her head and sighed.

"So you're having a hard time getting up. I know the feeling. You really want to but your body is working against you or something. It sucks. It's the worst feeling in the world and you're wondering if you're going to get out of it. And I think you really want to say something right now but you can't because the words just aren't connecting. And that's okay. We can deal with that later. But you're going to have to start somewhere."

Lindsay looked up at her, eyes wide.

"You're wondering how I know. I'll tell you that later. For right now, I'm going to make you lunch. It shouldn't take me too long. Half an hour. You have that long to figure out how to get out of bed."

Lindsay's look was one of shock. Adam had just let her lie there, figuring out for herself when to get up. Austin on the other hand… well she had never been one to let someone off easy.

"Sorry Linds. I wouldn't do this if I didn't love you," Austin sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear. "And I really love you a lot, so I ain't givin' you no outs here. You want to ask what I am gonna do if you don't get up in half an hour. I'll come in here and get you up myself. And you are going to hate that. A lot."

A look passed between them and Austin stood up.

"Half an hour, okay? And don't come out here before that because I have been sworn to secrecy on this recipe and you'll make that face and I'll give it to you and then feel guilty and also the wrath of Danny's mother will come into play. Don't put me in that position Linds."

The joke earned her a tiny smile and she returned it before going out to the kitchen. She'd chopped the vegetables and cooked the chicken earlier, while Danny hovered over her shoulder, and it didn't take long to get the noodles cooking in the chicken broth. She put the vegetables in then cleaned up the mess she had made before adding the chicken and seasoning. She was feeling pretty good about herself, even after she tasted it, and she hummed lightly as she moved around the kitchen, getting bowls and spoons knowing where everything was almost without thinking about it.

Everything was done soon and she was just setting things on the table when Lindsay shuffled into the room.

"And she walks! It's a miracle!"

Lindsay just stared at her, blinking for a few seconds.

"You know how they always say we talk without speaking? All that practice has been leading up to this moment. Sit down, I promise the food won't kill you."

Lindsay sat and slowly grabbed the spoon drawing her knees up to her chest before she attempted a bite. Her eyes got round and she swallowed hard, looking up at Austin nearly flabbergasted.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you there's ginger in it. What would you call that? Puttin' some hitch in your… giddy-up?"

Lindsay smiled and attempted the soup again. Once she had a chance to prepare her palate it was actually pretty good.

"Danny made this for me a long time ago. After I got out of the hospital, when he saved me… well anyway, he made a huge pot of it and it's pretty much all I wanted to eat for a week. I have to say though, mine is better than his. But his mom does it in the crock pot and I am pretty sure it could cure cancer and stupidity. I know. Even stupidity."

Lindsay smirked and her eyes drifted down to her bowl while she sighed.

"You know Linds, it's okay. It's not your fault. And no one who knows you would ever believe that you're not trying. Everyone knows how strong you are, and this is just… it's just hard. I know you're thinkin' about that. I know you too well to think this doesn't bother you."

Lindsay nodded a little and Austin got up from her chair and moved to the one closer to her friend.

"I love you. Adam loves you and Danny loves you and the kids love you and that's not going to change. You've got all of us, no matter what. You read me?"

There was a short nod, but Austin knew she'd gotten through, so she stood up and sighed.

"You'd better eat that before I steal it from you, Linds. I'm not afraid of germs."

Lindsay smirked and finished, half amused as she watched Austin move around the kitchen like a mother hen. She wanted so badly to say something snarky but she just couldn't quite get her mouth around the words.

"I'll finish in here. You go take a shower because it will make you feel better and it's productive and you can't live in that t-shirt forever even if you do look all cute and tousled as I am sure Adam really likes."

She was given waggled eyebrows for the comment and she smiled, knowing she wasn't all the way back, knowing she wasn't even near it, but knowing she wasn't completely lost either.

* * *

"Sit down, I'll braid your hair. It's easy when you don't want to get up because it doesn't get dirty as fast. Plus when you take it out it'll be crimped like it's 1987 and you can listen to George Michael albums all night long."

Lindsay arched one eyebrow but relinquished the brush before sitting down on the couch. The TV was playing quietly but neither one of them were paying attention to the "Who's the baby daddy" episode of Maury.

"Wake me up, before you go-go, don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo," Austin mumbled under her breath. "Wake me up, before you go-go, I don't wanna miss it when you hit that high."

Lindsay turned her head slightly and stared while Austin giggled.

"Sorry. Sometimes I think about the 80's and wham! I think of Wham. And you're wondering what planet I dropped off of."

Lindsay let out a chuckle, surprising both of them.

"Okay, I can do a French braid or a regular here and stop dropping your jaw, yes I know both. I did a stint as a girl a few years back. Just watch out, I might side-ponytail you."

They were quiet for a few minutes, Lindsay keeping her eyes closed and letting herself relax.

"Austin?" she said finally, her voice shaking and strained, but still clear.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Anytime. This will get better Linds. I promise. You're strong and when you feel you aren't, you've got me."

"I know."

"I'll put it in a song in case you ever forget."

"I won't."

Austin secured an elastic band in the braid then reached forward and pulled Lindsay gently into her arms.

"You just keep talkin' Lin. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you. And I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."


	139. Chapter 139

"Now before we go in, you need to remember the rules," Lindsay said seriously, crouching down in front of Colton. He looked from her to the entrance gate and back to her, his eyes wide with anticipation.

"No runnin' and I gotta hold hands. Mind my manners."

"One more."

"I gotta have fun."

"Alright, are you ready?"

"Yes, let's go, come on, hurry before the animals take their naps!"

He grabbed onto Adam's hand and pulled him towards the entrance while Lindsay followed behind, pushing the stroller. They bought the tickets and made it into the zoo, Colton jumping up and down with excitement.

"What can we see first?"

"I don't know. What do you want to see?"

"Um, I think the monkeys."

"Well it looks like they're kind of far out of our way," Adam said, checking the map.

"Well what is on the way, daddy?"

"I think maybe we should hit the children's zoo first. It looks less crowded in that direction."

"Okay daddy."

They walked quickly, Lindsay chuckling at Colton's enthusiasm. He was in a constant state of chatter over everything he saw pointing in one direction and then another, and making absolutely no sense to anyone but himself.

"Hey mama, let Ben outta there so he can come and pet them horsey things too."

"You mean the llamas?" Lindsay chuckled, bending down to get Ben. He gave her a grin and patted her cheek before she set him on the ground.

"Go to daddy."

He ran and grabbed Adam's other hand and the boys inspected the small petting zoo. Colton reached out to pet a baby goat, but then it made the mistake of looking at him and he ran over to Lindsay, grabbing her leg.

"Did it scare you?"

"S'afraid, he's gonna bite me, dude," he answered.

Lindsay hid her laugh and took his hand, leading him back over to the goat.

"What if he bites, mama?"

"He won't bite. You just have to be gentle and not scared."

She showed him what to do and he copied her actions, smiling when the goat gently nuzzled his arm.

"He likes me, mama."

"Yeah, that's because you're not scared."

"How come granna and papa don't got goats on the farm?"

"They've had them before but granna doesn't like them very much. She thinks they're too loud."

"I bet I could hide this goat under my bed at home. I could have him for a pet."

"No, we already got a dog and a cat. We don't need any more animals. Especially one that eats everything in sight."

"Hey goat, leggo my shirt!"

Lindsay managed to get the goat away from him and they moved on to the other animals until they had visited all of them. Adam directed them to the next exhibit and the boys skipped along next to him, highly anticipating what was next. They were both happy to get out of the house, happy to do something different, but really the best part for both of them was getting to spend an entire day with mama and daddy. Lindsay felt guilty about that, that having both their parents was such a treat. She'd been missing in action a lot lately, despite taking an entire month off of work to get everything figured out. She just hadn't been mentally there, and they could tell. Things were getting better, she'd finally found an anti-depressant that helped a little, at least she was able to get out of bed and the nightmares had been few and far between. But there were days when she was just going through the motions, hugging and kissing out of habit.

Today was a good day though, and she was going to grab every second that she could, even the moments when Ben threw a fit about walking and had to be strapped back into the stroller and even when Colton refused to leave the monkey house because he wanted to see the monkeys swing on the trees just one more time. It didn't even stress her out because she was alive and that was all that mattered today.

"Daddy, what is that?"

"It's a tiger."

"But I thought tigers was sharks."

"Well there are tiger sharks, but this is just a plain old tiger."

"Oh. Lift me so I can see better?"

Adam lifted Colton up onto his shoulders and he cheered.

"I can see the whole world up here."

"Yeah, cuz daddy's just that tall," Lindsay snickered. Adam leaned over and pinched her arm while Ben sighed from the stroller and tried to see what was going on.

"Are you going to be a good boy?" Lindsay asked, crouching down and undoing the straps. He nodded and made his eyes as wide and innocent as he could while she lifted him up so he could see.

"Mama," he said, patting her shoulder. "Up. Budder."

"Up like your brother?" she sighed, placing him on her shoulders. "Hold on, okay?"

"Watch out, his feet are in range," Adam warned, grimacing down at Colton's sandals. "I don't know about that one, but this one's got stinky toes."

"Hmm, I wonder where he gets that."

"Now Lindsay…"

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him while the boys hollered about the tiger running across the grass.

"Lookit him go!" Colton said, bouncing up and down on Adam's shoulders.

"Ouch, dude, you're heavy."

"Well you was the one that feeded me breakfast," he reasoned, stopping the bouncing.

"Yeah, at least you don't have to worry about him filling his diaper," Lindsay added, wrinkling her nose.

"What's next daddy? Elephants yet?"

"Looks like the bears next and then elephants."

"Efalents," Ben echoed, nodding his head.

"And lions and giraffes," Colton added.

"Oh my!" Lindsay and Adam chorused, heading further down the path, each of them taking one handle of the stroller.

"Is the bears gonna be eatin' honey? Like Winnie the Pooh?"

"I don't know, we'll have to see."

"Or maybe they eatin' fish like on the one movie. Or maybe marmalade like Paddington Bear. Or stealin' people food like Yogi! Are they the Bearenstain bears?"

"Who knew there were so many bear cartoons?"

"I wonder if he'll be upset that these bears aren't animated and wearing t-shirts."

"How do you explain to your kid that it's okay for bears to be naked all the time but not people?"

"Why do we have a kid that would question that?"

"We've ruined them for life."

* * *

"But I wanna see the animals!" Colton sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "That's why we comed to the zoo after all."

"I know that, but it's time for lunch. You're crabby."

"I not a crab, mama. I not!"

"I didn't say you were a crab," Lindsay clarified, starting to get irritated. "I said you were crabby."

"Well whatever."

"Daddy, will you deal with this?"

Adam crouched down in front of his son, putting on his most stern voice and serious face.

"Colton, it's time to eat lunch. We'll see more animals later. For now, you need to sit down and eat."

"But-"

"No arguments. You can either eat now or you can wait until dinner. What'll it be?"

Colton gave a heavy sigh and laid his head down on the picnic table.

"I eat now."

"Good choice because we're getting corndogs."

"I only like the dog part, not the corn."

"I'll eat your corn part," Adam offered. "If you eat all your applesauce."

"Shake on it?"

"Such a politician," Adam said, shaking Colton's hand. "Can you come with me and help me get the food?"

"Okay."

They went to get in line and Lindsay shook her head, smiling down at Ben who was giving her a knowing look.

"Your brother, I swear he has the temperament of a cow at sunrise."

"Cow?"

"Yep."

"MOO!"

She chuckled and checked her phone for the time, finding three texts from Austin.

_You guys didn't really go to Jersey, did you?_

_Please tell me you didn't go to Jersey._

_If you went to Jersey, Imma thwack you!_

"What's the deal with Jersey?" she muttered, contemplating leaving her best friend hanging. "You'da thought I told her the Mets are better'n the Yanks."

Ben giggled and stood up on the picnic bench, clapping his hands before plopping into Lindsay's lap and wrapping his arms around her neck.

"I love you Ben."

"Love you," he replied softly with a yawn.

"Are you getting tired?"

"No."

"Are you sure? It's almost your nap time."

"No no, mama."

"You don't want a nap?"

He shook his head and snuggled closer.

"Peas."

"Okay, you said please. No nap," she agreed, knowing he would probably fall asleep soon after he was fed anyway.

"Happy," he whispered, his normal phrase for when he was pleased with something.

"Yeah. Me too."

They sat there for a few minutes and let the sun soak into them. Colton had never really been a fan of just sitting somewhere. He liked to have entertainment in some form or another. It didn't have to be much. But Ben was perfectly content to just be. He could sit for a long time without needing anything to play with or look at. It was like he was already comfortable just existing.

"We are men," Colton announced as he approached the table. "We brunged the food."

"Did daddy tell you to say that?"

"Yep! How you know that mama?"

"I'm really, really smart."

"Oh yeah, I already knowed that. Daddy got you a sandwich a'cuz you don't like corndogs."

"Oh, thanks honey."

"You're welcome. Ben, you gonna make it? Want to eat some lunch?"

Ben nodded and took the peanut butter and jelly half sandwich that Adam offered him and held onto it while leaning against Lindsay.

"Okay bud, I need you to help me figure out where we can go next," Adam said, unfolding the map on the table. Colton sighed and looked down at the paper, chewing on his corndog stick.

"Well, where are we at?"

"Still in the place where you end sentences with prepositions."

"What you said daddy?"

"Nothing. Which way should we go?"

"I wanna see the giraffes and the gorillers and the elephants."

"Guess we'll go this way. We'll have to see the elephants last, okay?"

"Oh, that's okay. Long's we don't forget."

"How could we forget the elephants?"

"We couldn't. Ben, hurry up and eat! We gotta go soon."

Ben took a bite of his sandwich and chewed it slowly, causing Colton to sigh.

"Colton, have a little patience."

"But I wanna get movin'."

"I know. Hey, we forgot our list!" Adam said excitedly, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. He and Colton had made a checklist the night before of all the animals they wanted to see, and they now set to work checking off the ones they'd already spotted.

"Man, this has been a hard workin' day," Colton said as he looked at the list. "Lotsa checker marks."

"Yep. Are you having fun?"

"Well mostly. 'Cept for the smell of the animal P.U."

"Yeah, that's not so good. But are you having fun otherwise?"

"Yep. I like that we is all together."

"Yeah, me too."

* * *

"I think we've got some tired kids," Adam noted, brushing Ben's hair off of his forehead.

"Almost time to go," Lindsay agreed as the monorail started to move.

"But we not seed the elephants," Colton yawned, rubbing his eyes.

"We're going to see them soon. We're just going to take the monorail to do it," Lindsay said, hoping he would stay awake to see them. They would never hear the end of it if he didn't.

The monorail drove slowly over the tracks and the four of them just sat and relaxed, having been on their feet for hours now. The boys were doing well, not cranky anymore, and had thoroughly enjoyed themselves. Adam had been regaling them with facts about all the animals and they were both entranced and looking at him like he was the smartest man in the world. Lindsay couldn't help the bubble of pride that rose in her chest as she watched all her boys together. She really did have the most amazing husband ever.

"Lookit at those things, mama," Colton said, pointing. "What is it?"

"An antelope."

"Like in the Simba movie."

"Yep."

"Will we see the wildernessbeasts too?" he asked, his eyes growing wide. "I don't want them to run over my daddy like they runned over Fumasa!"

"You mean Mufasa? No, the wildebeests won't run over your daddy."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure," she said, tucking him in close.

"What's that over there?"

"Um… I can't tell."

"I think it's a red panda, bud."

"Him not red. Him brown."

"Yeah, but that's what he's called."

"Oh."

They rode on in silence until Ben jumped off the chair and pointed frantically into the grass.

"Efalents! Efalents! Mama, efalents!" he said, staring out at the animals with wide eyes. His mouth hung open and he was motionless until the elephants were out of sight. He then turned and went back to the bench, snuggling in next to Adam and closing his eyes.

"You done for the day Ben Ry?"

"Ah done," he said, sticking his thumb into his mouth. He had seen all he came for and he was ready to move on.

"That's a rhino over there," Colton said. "He gots a horn."

"Yeah, he does."

"Mama, when we get home, I could call Isa and tell her 'bout all the animals? And about my corndog for lunch?"

"Maybe if it's not too late."

"I hope it not be. I don't wanna forget nothin' 'fore I talk to her."

Adam chuckled and reached out for Lindsay's free hand. He knew exactly what Colton meant about not wanting to forget anything.

The monorail ride came to an end and they trudged off, both holding a kid and not looking forward to the walk back to the car.

"Wanna switch babe? Ben's lighter."

"Nah, I got it. Just help me with the stroller."

It was a long walk, but they finally made it to the car and got everyone inside.

"How long is the drive home again?"

"Including traffic?"

"I didn't think about traffic," he sighed. "You wanna take the wheel?"

"Nope. I promised to love, honor, cherish, and make you drive."

The thirty minute trip took them almost an hour, and the boys were completely conked out in the back seat by the time they arrived home.

"Can we just get the boys out and leave the diaper bag and all that other crap in here until tomorrow?"

"Read my mind babe," Adam answered.

Once inside they flopped down on the couch with the boys who were starting to wake up and catch their second wind.

"Can I call Isa now please? I gotta tell her 'bout when the bears was wrestlin'."

"Why don't you go see if they're on Skype," Lindsay yawned, not wanting to put out the effort to find her phone.

"Okay."

He went over to the computer and opened it, waiting for a minute before signing on.

"It's kind of ridiculous that he knows how to do this," Adam commented. "He must see his mama on there all day long."

"He does not," Lindsay grumbled, wrinkling her nose.

"Hi Austin! Can you see me?"

"Yeah, I can see you."

"I could talk to Isa please? I gotta tell her somethin'."

"Where did you go today?"

"We goed to the zoo! The one in da Bronx a'cuz it has the mostest animals."

"Okay, just makin' sure," she chuckled. "Isa will be here in a second."

"I here now! Hi Colt!"

"Hey, guess what? I seen two bears and they was wrestlin'! And also there was a goat that eated my shirt and I had a corndog for lunch and I seen a giraffe baby too."

"You are so lucky," Isa huffed, crossing her arms. "Can I come the next day you go?"

"Maybe. I will ask mama and daddy. I will bring you some pictures later because we brunged the camera with us. I will show you the animals when I come over soon. Maybe we could have a sleepover."

"Yeah. We could have junk food."

"Yep."

"Here comes Sarah. She's gonna say hi too."

"Hi Colton. I miss you."

"I miss you too," Colton said, resting his chin in his hands. "We gotta ask the grown ups when we can play. I hope they say tomorrow!"

"Me too!" Sarah chirped. "I like it when we play."

"I like it more," Isa said, putting a hand on her hip. "Colt's my best friend."

"But I love him too," Sarah said quietly.

"Yeah. But I love him _more_."

"Okay."

"Hey girls," Colton said, shaking his finger at the screen. "You can both love me the most. I is irresistible like mama says."

The girls giggled and he gave them a lopsided grin.

"Uh-oh Colt, we gotta go eat dinner. We see you soon."

"Okay. I love you and I love you!"

They all kissed their fingers and touched the screen, then signed off.

"Mama, when can I go play with the girls?" he asked, sliding off the chair. "I miss them very a lot."

"I know. I'll call Austin later and we'll figure something out, okay?"

"Okay. I would like to play with them for a whole day, not just in the morning."

"I'll see what I can do."

* * *

It was with heavy eyelids and a tired body that she slid into bed later that night. She yawned so hard her jaw popped and her eyes watered. It was a good tired though, with a reason behind it rather than just being exhausted for the sake of being exhausted.

"How many drinks of water does that kid need?" Adam asked, joining her in the bed.

"I think probably three more."

"Accurate assumption is accurate," he mumbled, sighing and turning to look at her. "Hi."

"Hi."

He smiled and reached over to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He rolled onto his side and pulled her closer, feeling as if he couldn't get enough.

"You know somethin'?"

"I know lots of somethin's," she answered with a half smile. "I request increased specificity."

"You're weird."

"I was normal until I met you. I'm your fault."

"I have no response for that."

"Why don't you tell me what you were going to say before I stole your thunder."

"The moment's gone."

"Well bring it back," she suggested with a little pout. He laughed and took her hand, threading their fingers together, then staring at them in the moonlight, marveling at how perfect they were. How well they fit. How complete they looked.

"Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know what an amazing mother you are? Don't make that face, I'm serious. You've always been this way, but lately, with everything… you haven't wavered, honey. Not even a little. You have done everything you can for them and you've love them just as much. You get up in the morning even when it's hard. You spend the whole day out like this, even when you're tired. You dance them around the living room even when you would rather go and cry. You dole out hugs and kisses even when you just want to be alone. Lindsay, there will never, ever be a time when they don't know that you love them. And hopefully someday they will fall in love with women just like that, so they can be as happy as I am."

She sniffled and he kissed her gently.

"I'm proud of you, baby. So proud. You're my hero and I'm buying you a cape for Christmas."

"I couldn't do it without you, Adam. You make me stronger than I would be on my own."

"Forever and ever."

"And ever and ever and ever."


	140. Chapter 140

The clock could not move nearly fast enough and Colton sighed as he watched the hand tick slowly around the face. He knew the time would pass, he just didn't know when. Lindsay had told him to stop watching the clock and even gave him things to do, but he always came back to sit in front of the clock and watch it tick. Ben sat beside him, staring at the clock too but not knowing why.

"Boys, stop watching the clock."

"But mama, I have to know when it's time."

"I know that, but-"

"I have to watch and Ben is helping."

Lindsay shrugged her shoulders and gave up, figuring that if they weren't whining about it, it wasn't a problem. She went back into their bedroom to get their overnight bags ready while the boys kept vigil in the living room.

"Hey Qwerty, c'mere. Look at the clock with us."

The dog walked over and sat down on Colton's other side, and they all fell into silence.

"Budder?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"Why?" he asked, pointing at the clock.

"When the long part is on the number six and the little part is on the number five, that is when Austin will come over and get us. Then we will go to their house to spend the night."

"Mama daddy?"

"Mama and daddy is gonna stay here. I don't know what they is gonna do, but I bet they are gonna play with our toys."

Ben's eyes popped to twice their normal size and his mouth dropped open.

"Yes?"

"I bet so, Ben. I bet so," Colton sighed, wrapping his arm around his brother's shoulders.

"Dunner?"

"Yup, you could play with Junior and I will play with Isa and Sarah. You guys will prob'ly have to go to sleep early 'cuz you're littler than us."

"Oh."

"But I bet Austin will give you popcorn first."

"Po'corn!"

"Yep."

The front door opened and they both jumped to their feet, running across the room and grabbing onto Austin's legs.

"Hey dudes."

"You are here a'fore the clock said so!"

"Yeah, I made good time."

"Didja get some bad guys today, Austin?" Colton asked curiously, noticing that she was still armed.

"Nah, mostly I just made fun of Flack."

"You is always teasing peoples Austin."

"That's my job."

"No, your job is bein' a police!"

"I guess you're right."

"I know I am right. That's why I said that."

"You sound like your mama."

"You'd better mean that nice, Messer," Lindsay said, bring the boys backpacks out.

"I always mean every insult nicely."

"Well at least you're consistent."

"So what are you two doing tonight?" Austin asked, taking the bags and swinging Ben up into her arms.

"I don't know. Maybe just go to bed early."

"Well I already guessed that…"

"I meant to sleep."

"Linds."

"And the other thing, but mostly sleep!"

"What other thing?" Colton asked.

"Pillow fights," they both responded.

"Oh wow! I wanna do that!"

"We'll see," Austin chuckled. "You ready to go?"

"I been ready all the day long."

"I figured as much."

"Let's get outta here!"

"Aren't you gonna say bye to your mama?"

"Bye mama. Later."

"Hey! That's not a proper goodbye young man."

He sighed and walked over to her, giving her a tight hug.

"I see you in the morning, mama. I love you."

"I love you too. Be good."

"Mm'kay."

She kissed Ben goodbye and they headed out the door, Colton grabbing onto Austin's free hand.

"Hey Austin?"

"Yeah?"

"I said to Ben that we might get popcorn. I did not tell a lie, right?"

"I think we could probably have popcorn."

"You is the best."

* * *

"Colt! Sarah, Colt's here!"

"Yup, here I am," Colton announced, dropping his backpack on the floor. "What is we gonna do first?"

"Well, I don't actually know," Isa sighed, crossing her arms. "Daddy said Sarah could pick."

"Well Sarah? What we gonna do?"

"Din'saurs," she answered definitively. "I eatin' trees."

"Ahh!" Isa screamed. "I are a tree! Run away!"

The older kids took off into the bedroom while Austin settled Ben on the ground next to Junior.

"Hi Binyin."

"Hi Dunner."

"Les'go."

"Okay."

They walked into Junior's bedroom and sat on the floor. Junior pulled a plastic basket of toys over to them and handed Ben a fire truck.

"Pirepuck."

"Oh?"

"Uh-huh," Junior replied, taking his own truck out of the basket. "There."

They made siren noises and raced the trucks around the bedroom, Junior jabbering as if he was a fireman, and Ben answering as if he knew what was going on.

"Boys, I need help!" Danny said from the doorway. "There's a fire out here!"

They both jumped up and ran into the other room, Junior shouting when he saw the pile of orange and red blankets in the middle of the floor. Ben wasn't sure what the commotion was, it was just blankets, but he decided to go along with it.

"Oh no! Binyin!" Junior shrieked, pointing to a blue washcloth. Ben stared at him for a moment, then watched as he threw a similar washcloth onto the blankets.

"Wadder!"

"Oh," Ben sighed, tossing the washcloth where Junior indicated.

"Yeah, put that fire out dude," Danny coached. Ben smiled and picked up another washcloth and helped Junior put out the fire.

"Yay!"

Their victory was short lived, however, as the big kids ran through and trampled the pile of blankets.

"No!" Junior shouted, stomping his foot. "Isa!"

"What? We was playing first!"

"No, bad!"

"You're bad!"

"DADDY!" they both wailed while Sarah covered her ears and Colton giggled. Ben stood there with his finger in his mouth and watched as they continued to argue. Junior pushed Isa and she pushed him back, knocking him to the ground.

"No, 'Sa!" Ben hollered, stomping over to her. "No."

"He push me first!"

"No yellin'," Sarah sighed while Colton dropped his arm around her shoulders.

"What is going on in here?" Austin asked, her hands on her hips.

"'Sa no! Dunner!" Ben said, trying so hard to convey the fact that his best friend had been slighted.

"Nu-uh! He pushed me first, ma!"

"Isabeth-"

"Ow!" Junior shrieked, as if he was really injured, falling all the way back to the ground and putting on very impressive fake tears.

"Daniel Messer, that's enough," Austin said, hauling him to his feet. "You two say you're sorry."

"Sorry, Isa."

"I'm not sorry. He pushed me first."

"Isabeth."

"No, ma. Not gonna."

"Then you can go sit in the corner."

"But we have _guests_," she whispered.

"Then you need to be nice and say sorry to your brother."

"But-"

"No buts, Isabeth."

"Goin' to the corner," she said, crossing her arms over her chest and stomping off to the stepstool in the corner. Sarah took Colton's hand and pulled him into the other room while Ben and Junior stood staring at their destructed fire.

"Want me to help you make a new one?" Austin asked. Junior shook his head.

"Binyin. Come on."

Austin cleaned up the mess as the boys headed back to Juniors room. Halfway there, Junior detoured into the bathroom, tiptoeing inside and closing the door behind them.

"What, Dunner?"

Junior pulled the toilet paper and handed it to Ben.

"In'nere Binyin."

Ben stood there for a second. He knew that playing in the bathroom and putting things in the toilet at his house was a bad idea. It tended to make mama and daddy upset. But maybe things were different at Junior's house. Carefully, he put the end of the toilet paper into the toilet.

"Loud," Junior warned, reaching for the handle.

They both laughed as the paper spun off the roll and was sucked down the drain, but backed away when the toilet started to overflow.

"Uh-oh. Bad."

"Binyin?"

"Hmm?"

"Run 'way!"

They ran out of the bathroom and smack dab into Danny who was coming to investigate.

"What did you boys do?"

They stayed quiet and smiled, rocking back and forth on their heels until Danny sighed.

"The big kids are coloring, why don't you two join them?"

They skipped back into the kitchen and found the markers, sneaking them off the table when Austin wasn't looking. They didn't need to talk about this one, they were both pretty excited to be coloring on anything, but could not be limited to paper. They stood there for a second, both feeling the fright of knowing they had a very short amount of time to make their mark as it were. Eyes drifted over the room until they spotted their unsuspecting victim.

"Elbis?"

"Elbis."

They headed for the old greyhound and popped the lids off their markers, adorning his stomach with vivid colors. He didn't seem to mind, just stared at them for a moment before laying his head back down on the floor. They colored for a few more minutes, giggling until they heard footsteps.

"What did you two do?" Austin exclaimed, surprised but not mad.

"Pretty!" Ben offered, pointing at Elvis.

"Oh dear."

* * *

"Isa, I not wanna smell yours stinkin' feet," Colton grumbled, pushing Isa's feet away from his face. "We's wrestlin' not grossin' each other out."

Isa laughed and tackled him and he scrambled out from underneath her, waiting until the precise second when she wasn't paying close enough attention, and tackled her back. They laughed as Sarah joined them, her main wrestling weapon being tickling. They all rolled around on the floor for a while, wrestling and laughing until they were exhausted.

"Hey Isa?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I call my mama? I just wanna tell her I love her."

"You don't wanna go home right?"

"Um… a little."

"But we don't want you to leave!"

"Yeah. Stay. We love you," Sarah agreed, giggling and poking his arm.

"Okay. But I still wanna call my mama."

"I will ask. Ma! Colt wantsa call Indy!"

"Just a minute," Austin hollered back from the other room where she was fighting Ben and Junior into their pajamas.

"She said just a minute," Isa reported, as if they hadn't heard. "Want fishy crackers?"

"Yeah!"

"I get 'em."

She went into the kitchen and Colton and Sarah sat in silence for a minute.

"You sad for your mama?" Sarah asked softly, patting his knee.

"Nope, I'm okay, Sarah. I be here when I not at home."

Giggling, she tackled him back to the floor and patted his cheek.

"Know what?"

"Huh?"

"You my best friend."

"Mama say I could get two best friends. So you is mine too. And Isa."

She smiled as Isa came back into the room with a box of crackers.

"Dig in!"

They all ate happily for a while, playing with the crackers and creating an entire underwater world on their sleeping bags.

"You kids ready to watch a movie?"

"Yeah! Can we watch the 'Cred'bles movie?"

"Sure. Want to trade your fishy crackers for popcorn?"

"Yep!"

Austin put the movie in and grabbed the crackers, going into the kitchen to make popcorn. The kids all snuggled into their sleeping bags and gravitated to each other until they were one big pile of kid. Ben cuddled up to Colton and slid his thumb in his mouth. He was getting a little homesick for his own mama and his own bed, but he didn't want to cry in front of everyone, so he needed his brother.

"Hey Ben, it's okay. We see mama in the mornin'."

"My mama."

"She would give us snuggles huh?"

"Yes."

"And maybe she would tell us stories 'bout bein' a little girl in Totana with her big brothers pickin' on her. And daddy would give us squeeze hugs a'fore we falled asleep."

"Yep."

"What's you two talking 'bout?" Isa asked as she sat up.

"Just brother stuff," Colton answered. "You not understand it, Isa. You is a sister."

"You are awful and mean!"

"Not my fault you is a girl!"

"Ma! Colt called me a girl!"

"Perish the thought."

"That is not very nice! I could be a boy too if I wanted to. I just don't want to."

"Hell gots no fury," Colton said with a shake of his head.

"What?" Austin chuckled, setting the bowl of popcorn down on the floor.

"That's what daddy say when mama's carryin' on 'bout somethin'."

"Oh really? What does mama carry on about?"

"When she's tellin' daddy stuff and he's playin' the video games. And he say "Yeah babe, gotcha," and she throws a pillow at his head and calls him a jerk and he just laughin' and then she starts chewin' him out and then he say that thing and she tells him to shut up and then they kiss and laugh."

"How often does this happen?"

"Oh, 'bouts every night."

"I'm not surprised. Alright, you kids can watch the movie and then it's time for sleep."

"Okay. You gonna go 'way so we can watch?" Isa asked.

"Sure," Austin chuckled, watching as the kids moved into more comfortable positions, not caring that someone's elbow was in someone else's face, or that they were almost all twisted into Picasso versions of themselves.

"I don't know where one kid ends and the other begins," Danny muttered, coming to stand next to her.

"I don't think they do either."

* * *

"Isa, I will trade you a bite of mine for a bite of yours," Colton offered, showing her his blueberry poptart."

"Um… okay!" she agreed, leaning over and taking a bite of his breakfast. They grinned at each other as they shared food, while Austin sighed and shook her head.

"Hurry up and eat, we've got places to go and people to see."

"Like who? Who?" Sarah asked insistently.

"Like the guy at the shoe store, Miss Growin' Toes."

"Oh. Colton and Benjamin gonna get new shoes too?"

"No, they're goin' with daddy and he's going to take them home. Speaking of which… Danny, you're gonna be late."

"Yeah, I'm comin'," he said, sliding his wallet into his back pocket. "You boys ready?"

"Yep, I am. Come on Ben. We's goin' with uncle Danny."

"Yay!" Ben hollered. "Unca Dan."

They said goodbye to the other kids and each took one of Danny's hands, following him out the door.

"Could we ride your mocorcycle?"

"Motorcycle? Nah, your mama would be very, very upset if I let you ride it. Maybe someday when you're older I'll take you."

"That could be awesome."

"Yeah, I think so too."

"Are you goin' to work?"

"Yeah, after I drop you off."

"Do you miss mama workin' with you like before she was sick?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Maybe she will get better soon."

"She's gettin' there. Sometimes it takes a while."

"Danny, is my daddy gonna get sick too? He is so tired like mama was."

"Nah, your daddy's the real kind of tired. He's working a lot and trying to take care of you boys and your mama."

"Everything's gonna get better, right?"

"Yep. I promise."

* * *

"I really missed gettin' hugs and kisses last night," Colton sighed as the door closed behind Danny.

"I did too," Lindsay confessed, kneeling down in front of him and pulling him in for a hug.

"Austin gave us lotsa hugs and kisses, but it not the same."

"No, it's not."

Ben toddled over and snuck between them, not wanting to be left out of this.

"I like sleepin' over there, but I like when I comin' home too. Even when I get to be a big man like daddy, I could still live here, right?"

"I don't know if you'll want to then, but you can live with me and daddy as long as you want."

"Okay. I will live here forever, except maybe I will move away when I get married."

"Where are you going to move to?"

"Phil'delphia."

"Really? How come?"

"I like sayin' the name."

"Good reason. What about you Ben? Wanna live with mama and daddy forever?"

"Nope!"

"Well where are you going to live?"

"Dunner, 'Sa, 'Sa-'Sa."

"You're going to live with Junior, Isa and Sarah?"

He nodded and grinned.

"Love, mama."

"I love you too."

"Mama, where's daddy?"

"He's in the shower getting ready for work."

"He will be out soon so I could hug him, right?"

"Yeah, I think he'll like that."

"I will go wait by the door. Could you bring me a book?"

"Sure."

"Hey mama, I just gots one question."

"What's that?"

"We is all gonna be a family forever, right?"

"Yeah, we are."

"Even Austin and Danny and the kids?"

"Always. No matter what, they will always be our family."

"Good. A'cuz I love our family and I would be sad if they were just friends."

"I would be too, buddy."

He smiled and kissed her cheek before sitting down by the bathroom door. He was happy and for the first time in a while, he felt really, really safe. Everything was going to be just fine.


	141. Chapter 141

A/N: Shorter chapter, but it was really needed. All of it. Even if the ending is not my norm.

* * *

"So you wanna do dinner before or after?" Adam asked, filling the cat's food dish.

"Before. Faye's going to be here in a few minutes. We don't have time for anything fancy, but we could still call it a date."

"Perfect."

She crossed the room and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his chest and giving him a smile.

"Thank you for going with me."

"Anytime, babe. Plus you promised me a milkshake afterwards so…"

"Seven years together, bribery is my greatest tool."

"And your feminine wiles. Don't forget about those."

"I know you won't."

"You're adorable."

"I do my best," she said with a tip if her head before she backed out of his arms.

"So can you give me a little spoiler?"

"About?"

"Why you got a session with Emily in the evening and why I'm going with you."

She took a deep breath and opened the dishwasher, pulling out a few cups and putting them away before she answered.

"Because I'm not the only person suffering with this right now, Adam."

"Sweetie-"

"I know you say you aren't, but at the very least it's hard for you to see me go through this, and at the very most you're already resenting me for it and anything like that… I just want to head it off at the pass."

"Linds, I'm not mad at you. I'm not resenting you."

"I know you don't feel like you are, and I don't feel like you are, but that doesn't mean you're not. I just… I need you to come with me."

"Okay. I'll always come with you, sweetie. I love you."

"I love you too."

He stroked his fingers across her cheek and spent a moment just looking at her. He'd gotten so used to seeing pain in her eyes, he was almost shocked it wasn't there. At least not in full force, not as it had been for what seemed to be so long. He couldn't really find the words to say at that moment, didn't know how to describe the way he felt about her.

"I could have some chocolate milk please?" Colton asked, running into the room and hopping around their legs.

"Yeah, you can have a little bit."

"Could daddy make it?"

"You don't like my chocolate milk?"

"Daddy makes it with so much chocolate. So much, mama."

"Yeah, daddy can make it for you. Ben, you want some chocolate milk?"

"Yes please. Lots," he requested, coming into the room carrying his backpack. It was stuffed with blankets and toys and he rarely went anywhere without it now. He even tried to sleep with it on most nights.

"When is Faye comin'?"

"In a few minutes."

"She say that she bringin' me a new game to play. A doctor game."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. She telled me last time she comed here. She telled me that when I am a doctor that I will make her better when she gets sick. Because that will be my job. I will know all the medicine. Also I will take care of sick kids. Not just grown-ups."

"Are you just going to do regular fixing or will you do surgery?"

"Well, I think I will do everything. 'Cept I don't wanna to the stuff Sid does. I will just make sure my people don't die."

"Oh, okay."

Adam handed both boys their cups of chocolate milk and they drank greedily, the only noise being their throats gurgling.

"Yummy," Ben reported upon finishing. "Fank you daddy."

"You're welcome."

"Yeah, thanks daddy. Is you guys leavin' us?"

"We're not going to be gone too long, but you'll be in bed before we get back."

"Why can't we go too?"

"Because we're going to do grown up stuff."

"Oh. You not wanna be with us because we're not grown ups?"

"Hey, I never said that," Adam chuckled. "Sometimes grown ups just have to do grown up things, and you shouldn't have to come with us because you'll be bored out of your mind."

"So you want me to stay here and play, right?"

"Yeah, that's the idea."

"Well I could do that I guess. Come on Ben."

"Where?"

"In our room. Gonna play with toys."

"Toys!"

They skipped off into the other room and Lindsay rolled her eyes.

"They're so you, Adam."

"Yep. Coolest kids ever."

* * *

The couch was supposed to be comfortable, the room was supposed to be serene, but tonight everything felt hot and sticky. She was sure it was because she was on the spot, because she had never brought someone to a session with her, because she was so scared about bearing her soul for the umpteenth time that she was at least slightly nervous. Adam held her hand and she knew that if he wasn't, she would have been on the verge of a panic attack. He moved a little and ran his other hand over her arm, stopping to trace over her tattoo.

"Lindsay," Emily said finally. "Can you do this?"

"Yeah, I just… I don't know how to start."

"Just tell Adam what you told me."

She took a deep breath and turned to him, knowing that if she could just meet his eyes, she would be okay.

"Adam, I… I love you."

"I know you love me sweetie. I love you too."

"I'm worried about you."

"About what?"

"That you're getting lost in the shuffle. That you're carrying all the weight of this. That you're holding everything together and you're getting torn apart. That someday it's going to be too much for you and you're going to have to walk away," she confessed, trying to keep her sniffles to a minimum. "I don't want you to feel trapped."

He tried to keep his jaw from dropping to the ground as he ran through her words again. He knew she felt guilty, he even knew she had moments of distrust, but he could tell by looking at her that this wasn't just the depression talking. She was still, after all these years, afraid that he would stop loving her. It wasn't that she didn't trust him, it was that she didn't trust herself to be lovable enough.

He couldn't find words to tell her how wrong she was and he just sat there gaping at her for a moment. She finally met his eyes, her expression one of fright that she had hit the nail on the head, that her fears had a foundation, that now they were going to have to wrestle with this demon too.

"Lindsay," he started softly, knowing his voice was enough to cure whatever ailed her most days, but today it may only take the edge off. "I'm not getting lost. I'm not getting torn apart. It's not too much."

"But it is," she protested as the tears came back for round two. "You have to watch me go through this and you know you can't fix it. And there's days when I know you're frustrated and you're tired and… this is hard on you. And you're spending so much time on me and I'm not spending any time on you. I'm not giving you anything back."

"Sweetheart, don't you understand that you are giving me something back? You're giving me you. I'm not the only one working here. You're trying so hard to get back to where you were before. You're giving me my wife back. Do you see that?"

She cried so openly, so brokenly and for a moment he wondered if he could ever convince her. He wanted to hug her but he knew that comfort was too easy and she needed to hear him right now. Carefully, he took both her hands in his, ignoring the room, ignoring Emily, ignoring everything but Lindsay. He moved down to the floor, on his knees, needing her to be above him, needing her to look down through her shame and see him.

"Lindsay. I love you. Forever. I don't care what we have to go through, or how bad it is, or how much work we have to do. It's always going to be us together. You're never going to do it on your own and neither am I."

She tried to catch her breath and he reached up to brush a few tears away before clamping his hands around hers again.

"Sweetheart, have I ever walked away? Have I ever left you, even for a little while? Have I ever stopped loving you?"

"No."

"Then why would I do it now? We've been through hard things, baby. Really hard things. Why would I go now? Why would I wait until now when things are getting so much better? Why would I ever leave you when I know that we are the only thing that keeps each other afloat? I wouldn't, Lindsay. I can't and I won't. Ever. Because I love you. Every single day, every moment, I love you."

She would later want to say that she suddenly just remembered what she had known and accepted all along, in his depth of love and devotion to her. But the truth was that for the first time she finally understood it. She accepted it in that moment and didn't question it in her mind, wondering how long it would last. It was forever.

Adam had always been a man of action, showing her how he loved her even more often than telling her. He loved with a ferocity that was unfathomable and as moments in time flashed back to her, she felt even more fully enraptured than she had when they were happening. It was a revelation that should have happened years ago, but for some reason she hadn't allowed herself to claim it. Sure, she knew how much he loved her, she knew that when her chest felt full to bursting with love for him, that he felt much the same way. She felt absolutely unequivocally loved every second of every day. She knew it and she felt it, but it wasn't until now that the knowing and the feeling married together and she consciously realized that he wasn't going anywhere. Nothing she could do, no circumstance or twist of fate could tear them apart. He would never let it.

It was nearly paralyzing and she just sat there with tears running down her face, wondering how this had happened, how she had let that speck of doubt remain in her mind, how he could love her this much. It was so much to think about and she felt her body trembling slightly from the gravity of it all.

Slowly he leaned up and pulled her into his arms, holding her against him, hoping the rhythm of their hearts and their breathing would drive out the stiffness in her body. It took a moment but she soon let herself collapse into him, crying in such state of surrender that he felt his own tears spilling over. Finally, finally, the smallest little speed bump between them had been completely obliterated. It had taken lots of work and love and frustrations, it had taken seven years, a marriage and two kids, but it was so worth it.

"I love you," she whispered, her voice cracked and throaty. "I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm sorry. I knew it all along, I swear I did. You love me. You love me so much."

"I do."

They stayed that way for a long time, neither one of them wondering what came next or even what all of this meant. It was more a moment of joy in the fact that they were finally at their full potential, their pinnacle, and it wasn't all downhill from here. It was simply beautiful.

* * *

"Whoa."

"Wow."

"Was that…?"

"Yowza."

"Did not know we could do that," she said finally staring up at the ceiling as her breath caught back up to her. "I mean, I knew we were good, but that…"

"Bam."

"I can't even…"

"Pow."

Slowly and with great effort, she dropped her head to the side, smiling when her eyes met his.

"You sound like a Batman comic."

He managed a crooked grin.

"Bazinga."

She smiled and let her eyes slide closed as he expended the very, very last of his energy reserves and scooted closer to her.

"Holy Toledo," she muttered as he tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Hey, I just want to let you know that I did not give you that hickey."

"Oh, so it was someone else? You're okay with that?"

"I just don't want to get involved when someone notices."

"It's visible? Adam I have to work tomorrow!"

"Not my fault you're so hot."

"Is it my imagination, or did we knock a lamp onto the floor?"

"Dang."

She giggled and rolled over to face him, running her hand over his short beard, smiling when he pressed his lips to her palm. They took a moment to get lost in each other's eyes, even in the darkness as all the emotions of the day, good and bad caught up with them. His hand slid over and rested against the small of her back while she nuzzled into his chest, dropping a kiss to his warm skin.

"I love you," he whispered. Her breath caught in her throat, almost as if he had said it for the first time. It was almost like the first time really, for how new it was to hear it without her doubts hanging on. It wasn't like they had been prevalent, or that she had always noticed them, but they were there in her subconscious, eating away at the beauty of it. But now, it was coming to her whole, and it was almost overwhelming.

"I love you too."

He reached up and grabbed her hand, sliding his fingers between hers and touching their foreheads together. They closed their eyes and breathed deeply, even as their hearts were still racing.

"We've got the whole world, baby. Nothing is ever going to take us from each other. Ever."

"I know," she said softly, giving him a smile he had never seen before. "Hold me tighter."

He let go of her hand and brought both arms around her, holding her the way he had thousands of time before, but the same way that never got old, that she never stopped craving. They could both stay like this for hours, only letting go for the sake of limbs that were falling asleep.

Slowly he reached over and adjusted the blankets as best he could, cocooning them together, knowing they would probably not move from this spot all night long. She sighed against him and he knew her eyes were slowly sliding closed, so he leaned down for a goodnight kiss, lingering a little longer than normal because he couldn't bear to break it.

"Sleep. I'll be here forever."


	142. Chapter 142

"What kind of music do you guys want to listen to?" Lindsay asked, adjusting her rearview mirror so she could keep an eye on the kids while she drove.

"Def Leppard!" Isa shouted, kicking her feet against the seat.

"No, Jimmy!" Colton countered, shaking his head. "Jimmy, mama."

"No, I said it first and I say Def Leppard!"

"No Isabeth! It's my car!"

"Don't call me Isabeth!"

"Isabeth, Isabeth, Isabeth!"

"Colton Ross, you're a butthead!"

"You're a poopface!"

"Hey, that's enough!" Lindsay hollered, just to be heard over the din. Ben and Junior stopped their nonsensical singing for a split second, in which Sarah piped up from her spot in the back.

"Auntie, how 'bout Zach Williams? That be good right? Okay."

"Yes, that's a good idea. Colton, keep your hands to yourself. You don't pinch people, especially girls and especially not your best friend."

"She's not my best friend," he snapped, crossing his arms and glaring at Isa. "I don't like her today."

Isa's chin quivered a little as she looked at him and Lindsay knew it took a lot to make that happen.

"Colton, that's not true and you know it. Say you're sorry."

"But mama-"

"Now."

"Isa, I sorry I call you Isabeth and I sorry I call you poopface and I sorry I say you not my best friend. Okay? Now don't cry."

She kept her bottom lip jutted out and he leaned over as far as he could and hugged her.

"I sorry, Isa. I love you, a'member? You is my best friend for all the days."

"Okay," she said, looking out the window. It would be a while before she would forgive him, but it would happen eventually. She wasn't a fan of the times when someone fought back.

Lindsay turned the music on, followed closely by the air conditioner, and drove the car out into the street, navigating the holiday traffic on the way out to the Bronx. The kids had begged for another sleepover and since they were all going to Danny's parents house for a fourth of July barbeque anyway, it seemed like as good a time as any. The kids had been crazy the night before, but not into trouble. They just couldn't stay entertained with one thing for very long, and Lindsay found herself cleaning up after them well after they'd all fallen asleep in her bed. Adam had been at work and didn't get home until five minutes before the kids woke up, and he'd promptly crashed into bed, planning to hitch a ride with Flack and Jess and meet them at Danny's parents by mid-afternoon.

Once they hit Henry Hudson Parkway, she turned the A/C off and rolled the windows partially down, drowning out the little arguments that were still going on in the back seat. Ben and Junior were both asleep, oblivious to their older siblings unraveling drama. Isa was still staring out her window while Colton tried unsuccessfully to apologize and Sarah watched them, her legs tucked as close to her body as she could get them.

It wasn't long before the car stopped in front of the Messer house, and Sarah clapped her hands excitedly.

"Unca Louie is here! Isa, Unca Louie will throw us in the air!"

"Yeah," Isa sighed, unbuckling her car seat while Lindsay got Ben and Junior out. Sarah jumped out of the car and raced across the lawn, hopping up the front steps and right into her uncles arms.

"Colton, come see my Uncle Louie! Hurry up."

The other kids followed her up to the porch while Isa hung back with Lindsay, her head bowed and her sighs long.

"What's the matter sweetie girl?" Lindsay asked, crouching down and tucking Isa's hair behind her ear. "Are you upset with Colton?"

"I know we was arguin' but he didn't gotta say that."

"I think you're right. I know he apologized, but that doesn't mean you're not still hurt."

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry that happened, sweetie. I'm really sorry."

"You didn't do nothin' mean, Indy."

"What I mean is that I feel bad that you feel bad."

"Could you carry me? I just wanna be holded."

"Yeah, come here."

She lifted Isa into her arms and they just stood there quietly for a second.

"I love you, Indy."

"I love you too baby."

"Hey, is she okay?" Austin asked, coming out of the house, quite surprised at seeing her wild child so silent.

"Yeah. Colton was being mean to her."

"Makes me sad," Isa added, lifting her face to look at Austin for a moment before sighing and closing her eyes.

"And I bet you kids didn't get much sleep last night either."

"You'd bet right."

"Isabeth, you want to go see grandma and grandpa?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You just guess?"

"I'm very sad right now," Isa sighed again. "I don't wanna."

"You don't wanna what?"

"I don't wanna nothin'!"

"Okay, you don't gotta anything. There is some lemonade inside if you decide you want it."

Isa nodded and her dark hair spilled into her face, but she didn't bother pushing it back. She'd be in a funk for a while longer, but soon she would forget and everything would be back to normal.

They made their way inside and Isa refused to be put down, letting out a whining "Noooo!" every time Lindsay tried to coax her to the floor. After a few minutes she traded Lindsay for Danny and he carried her into the other room for a nap.

"You had five kids all by yourself, all night long?" Danny's mother asked, handing Lindsay a glass of lemonade. "You're a saint of a woman. I should put some vodka in that for you."

"Nah, Linds doesn't drink," Austin said, her accent coming out thicker. "She's what we call my good influence."

"She must not be doin' a good job, you're still as awful as you ever were."

"Shuddup, Gooey Louie," Austin retorted, throwing a wadded up napkin at her brother in law. "You disgust me."

He reached over and started to give her a noogie but she slapped his hand away.

"See Linds, I told you all brothers everywhere are exactly the same."

"Better kept underground?"

"Exactly."

"I'm glad you didn't have friends when we were kids, loser," Louie muttered, making his way out of the kitchen.

"Jealous! You never had no friends n'matter how old ya were!"

* * *

"Are you sure we can leave the kids here?" Lindsay asked while Austin stood in the doorway, fanning herself with the screen door.

"Yeah, they're fine. Danny knows we're leavin', he'll keep an eye on them."

"Are you sure?"

"Linds, do you wanna get away from the screeching for half an hour or not?"

"Okay, you got me," Lindsay chuckled, following Austin out the door and down the street. They were headed in the same direction they had been two months before, almost to the day, but this time the air was warmer, the sun was brighter, and their steps not so heavy. They sat down on the old bridge over the water, taking their shoes off and letting their toes drag in the water. The only noise was the creek bubbling and a soft wind blowing, and they both just sat there for a little while.

"I don't know how to skateboard," Austin said after a moment, spouting off the first thing that came to her mind. "Danny always tried to teach me, but I was a sad case. The first tiny bump and I'd be tossed off. Fall flat on my face. Rip my pants. Yes, that happened. In front of Danny and Louie and half the neighborhood at a block party, I ripped my pants while trying to ride a skateboard. Did I mention this was the same night the straps on my training bra gave out and the cartwheel I was doing made the back part snap apart and the bra fell out my sleeve in front of everyone?"

The laughter started in her toes and crept up until it bubbled out her mouth and her stomach cramped from the force of it. She leaned down, pressing her forehead to her knees while her shoulders shook with mirth. Austin gave her a strange look before letting herself be taken by the contagious laughter.

"Welcome back, Lin."

"What?"

"Welcome back. You're you again, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Good. I missed you, dude. Do you know how many one liners I've saved up until I had an appropriate audience?"

"Did you write them down and save them in a hat box?"

"A hat box? What kind of snoot do you think I am?"

"One with a one-liner filled hat box of course."

"You are so weird."

"You're the one that wanted me back."

"Yep. I'm a glutton for punishment."

Lindsay giggled and lifted one foot out of the water, letting the water drip off her heel before she put it back.

"I really did miss you though, Lin."

"I know. I missed you too. I felt really off-kilter."

"Is it going to happen again?"

"I don't know. I hope not, but it's possible. Maybe it won't be so bad the next time."

"I hope not. It scared me," she confessed with a sigh. "Especially when three days would go by and I wouldn't hear from you."

"I'm sorry. I tried, I really did. There were just some days…"

"I know. I talked to Adam, I made sure you were okay but it's hard to go that long without my best friend. As much as I hate admitting that I need you."

Lindsay gave a half chuckle.

"When in the world did we become so co-dependent?"

"I don't know. It's disgusting."

"It's really bad."

"We're never going to change, are we?"

"I hope not."

Austin smiled and leaned back on the bridge, closing her eyes and looking up at the sky.

"Do you ever think that we've been through enough in our lives and nothing else could possibly go wrong?"

"I think that, but I know it's probably not true. I don't think there's tough times rollover minutes or something."

"Do you think we have an allotment?"

"I don't think so. If we had a quota of bad things, then we would necessarily have to have a quota of good things. And that would be a bad thing."

"You're blowin' my mind."

"I've had a lot of time for thinkin' lately."

"I think that even our bad things are no match for the good things we've got."

"I think you're right, Aust."

* * *

"Help! Help!" Sarah screeched, running across the back yard. "Benjamin got hurt!"

"Lin!" Junior shouted, following behind his sister. "Binyin!"

Isa and Colton brought up the rear, carrying a crying Ben between them.

"Mama, a bum-bum bee stinged him in the arm!" Colton reported.

"I stomped it," Isa said as they set Ben on the porch. "That bee won't sting no one else now! I killed it dead."

Ben kept crying until Lindsay picked him up and looked at his arm.

"Ow mama. Ow!"

"I know. It's okay."

She inspected the area and found that the stinger wasn't in very deep.

"No!" Ben shrieked, shaking his head and pulling his arm away.

"Honey, you need to let me fix it, okay?"

He wailed loudly, tipping his head back while the other kids just stared at him, fascinated with the torture he was obviously enduring. Lindsay carefully pulled the tiny stinger out and dropped it into a bush.

"There, all done."

Ben stopped his crying and looked down at his arm then back up at her and grinned.

"Happy."

She nodded and he wiggled out of her arms, showing off his battle wound proudly.

"Does it still hurt?" Colton asked, slightly jealous that he hadn't been the one to get so heroically injured.

"Yep," Ben shrugged with a sigh.

"Wow Binyin," Junior breathed, staring down at the red spot.

They marveled for a minute more, then ran off to play.

"Doesn't take much to entertain them, does it?" Lou asked, draining his beer.

"Nope," Austin answered, giving up on fixing the broken toy that Junior had brought her almost half an hour ago. "I swear we could give them sticks and strings and they'd be entertained for hours."

"Unlike you."

"What's that supposed to mean, pop?"

"I never knew anyone could make a one syllable world last an entire minute."

"I got skills."

"I'm bored," he mocked, drawing the word out as long as he could before Austin reached up and smacked him.

"Between you and your sons I don't know how I ever got any self-esteem. Always pickin' on me."

"Still pickin' on you," Danny said, poking her cheek.

"Knock it off ya pickle-head."

"You been hanging out with Montana too much. Startin' to talk like her."

"Nah, you ain't heard some of the compound insults she's come up with."

"Like what?"

Lindsay and Austin looked at each other and giggled.

"It's better not to say in mixed company. But put the words stain or wipe on the end of any four letter word and it's strangely satisfying."

Danny thought for a moment and a grin cracked across his face.

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Startin' the party without us?" Flack asked, coming around the corner of the house.

"'Course!" Austin replied. "Gimme a baby."

"Which one?" Jess chuckled.

"Whichever one had the most recent diaper change."

"You act like I should know these things," Jess sighed, handing her daughter over to Austin. "She's grouchy."

"Just like her daddy."

"Shuddup Grace."

"See, just like that. But you won't hate me like he does, will you Teags? Yeah, I didn't think so."

"She makes these deals with everyone's kids," Lindsay chuckled. "I'm pretty sure she told Colton that he should not so secretly want to be her child."

"Yeah, well Isa's not so quiet about her preferences either."

"Next time Colton throws a tantrum I'm sending him to you."

"Yeah, and I'll set Hurricane Isabeth on a path for your place."

"Least ya got a plan," Jess chuckled.

Adam grabbed Lindsay from behind and pressed a kiss to her hair while she giggled.

"Hi honey."

"Hey. You get some sleep?"

"A little. Enough. You're driving home."

"Gotcha."

He leaned a little closer, his breath tickling her ear.

"You tryna drive me crazy?"

"What?"

"You're the hottest woman I've ever seen."

Her face colored and she shook her head.

"Stop."

"Would it be bad manners to throw you over my shoulder and tell everyone we'll be back in an hour?"

"Adam!"

"What?"

"An hour?"

"Twenty minutes, I don't know. Depends on how long you play cat and mouse."

"Talk. Quieter," she grumbled, knowing he was saying all this just to get her riled up. He chuckled against her and left a kiss on her temple before righting himself and joining the conversation that had been taking place while they were flirting.

"I heard that," Austin said, casting Lindsay with a side-long glance.

"Sorry."

"It was entertaining. Dirty talk rookies."

"Rookies? Okay, I'll admit that when we started out it was like that one episode of _Friends_ but we're more like Cinemax at night now. That was just talkin', that weren't nothin'."

"Sure."

"I may tell you a lot Austin but there's some things I could never ever tell you about. And that's that."

"I love how you get so defensive, like I've underestimated you or something."

"Well maybe you have."

"I've heard enough to know I haven't."

"I don't know what to say to that."

* * *

Night was descending slowly as the kids twirled around in the grass with their glow sticks. Everyone had gathered at a large park for a fireworks show, and the kids were still wound up from the smaller fireworks they'd shot off in the middle of the street earlier. Everyone was sitting on old quilts, keeping an eye on the kids but mostly just enjoying a night of relaxation.

The conversation was kept light, wives leaned against husbands and crickets chirped a loud symphony, almost as if they knew they were about to be drowned out by gunpowder and sparks. Lindsay was wishing for a bonfire and a lake and even mosquito bites that would for days tell the story of a perfect summer night. But this was New York and as much as she loved this place and as deeply as it was rooted in her heart, it had nothing on the big sky of Montana that had made her what she was today.

The fireworks started with a loud pop and sizzle and the kids jumped up and down, cheering excitedly. Sarah, however, was not a fan and ran back to the adults, her hands clamped over her ears. She looked of at Danny and noticed that he was holding Liam, so she plopped herself into Adam's lap, closing her eyes tightly.

"Too loud?" he asked, leaning down closer to her so he could be heard. She nodded and tried to cover her eyes too. Chuckling, he took his sunglasses off his head and put them on her, then covered her ears gently. She smiled and leaned back against him, enjoying the show more now that her nerves weren't working overtime. Lindsay reached over and squeezed Sarah's tiny hand, and Sarah squeezed back and held on as they watched the sky light up.

Pretty soon the rest of the kids joined Sarah, finding different laps to sit in as bedtime approached. Ben was happily wrapped in Austin's arms, Junior was chattering animatedly to Jess and Flack's lap was being shared by Isa and Colton. No one had their biological children, but they all had their kids.

"Whoa, that one was 'spensive!" Colton shouted as a big firework went off. Isa laughed and nodded.

"Costed all the dollars daddy got in the bank."

"That's lotsa dollars, Isa."

"My daddy's rich. He could buy all the toys in the world."

"Yeah, my daddy too," Colton said with a shrug. "And the fireworks."

"Yep."

Lindsay couldn't hear everything they said, but she caught enough to piece it together. She loved that the kids still thought their daddies were superheroes and their mommies were queens. She wanted them to hold onto that innocence for as long as possible. She looked down at Teagan sleeping in her lap and smiled at the beautiful luck of it all. Eight years ago she had breathed in the air of New York and had been completely alone. Now she had her own family with Adam and the boys, and another family that had just sort of fallen together and stuck there, permanently. They wouldn't all be together every holiday, life might get in the way and they would go a while without spending time together, but they would be there always and forever, in a way that blood family just hadn't been able to do.

By the time the firework show ended, all the kids were cranky or asleep and it was definitely time to go home. The twins were returned to their parents and everyone else got up, gathering blankets and children and taking them to the cars. Sarah slept against Adam's shoulder, holding tightly to him as his sunglasses slid down her nose and he patted her back gently. Lindsay could nearly cry at the sight and she couldn't stop the wave of baby fever that rushed over her, along with the tide of desperately wanting a daughter. She watched as Adam tucked Sarah into her carseat and kissed her cheek, then leaned down and helped Isa into her seat too.

Clearing her throat, she checked that her own sleeping children were safely buckled in, Colton holding onto his sock monkey while Ben had a death grip on his sock elephant. They both cocked their heads to the left when they slept, their mouths hanging open slightly.

"Still want me to drive?" she managed to ask.

"Nah, I'm good. You look a little dazed."

"Yeah, just tired," she said, climbing into the car and closing the door. He smirked at her and got in on his side, starting the car and heading for home.

"Are you sure that's all it is?"

"I was just thinkin'," she sighed, propping her feet up on the dashboard.

"Thinkin' what?"

"How many kids did we say we wanted?"

"Honey are you pregnant?"

"What? No! At least I don't think… no, I'm not. Would that freak you out?"

"No, I don't think so. What are we talking about here?"

"Not being pregnant now but maybe later."

"You want another baby."

"I know we've both said that we feel like we're done but… Adam, I don't. I've never felt like we're done. Happy and complete, yeah. But not done."

"I didn't think we were either. I just didn't think it was such a good idea, given the circumstances."

"I know. I don't think right now is such a good idea either. But eventually."

"Like in six months?"

She laughed, then turned serious.

"Yeah."

He grinned and reached over for her hand.

"Well how many more do you want, Mother Goose?"

"At least one more. Maybe that's all. And maybe we never get our girl, but I just feel like there's supposed to be another carseat in here."

"Linds, this isn't just tonight, is it?"

"No. I mean it hit me kind of hard tonight, but I've wanted another for a long time. Since Ben was born."

"So… we're going to try again."

"Yeah… I mean, only if you want to. If you don't want to then-"

"Honey, I will never tire of having babies with you."

"I think you're just remembering the making babies part."

"Hey, that's the bonus you get in advance for changing diapers."

"Oh, is that how it works?"

"I'm hoping."

She chuckled and shook her head.

"What if you get pregnant with quadruplets?"

"Then we'll move into a shoe and maybe we'll get a show on TLC."

He laughed and brought her hand to his lips, kissing her fingers gently.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Hey, when we get home," he started, looking over his shoulder as he changed lanes. "I was thinkin' that in light of the evening, being patriotic and all, we might could make some fireworks of our own."

"Well of course. When do we not?"


	143. Chapter 143

One cream. Two sugars. Three stirs and a spoon in the dishwasher before she brought the warm mug to her lips.

"Halt."

Her eyes flicked up and she looked at Danny, glaring as he kept her from the caffeine.

"What?"

"We got a body. We gotta go."

"But… the… pretty coffee!"

"Yes, I know. Pitch it."

She sighed and jutted her lip out until he rolled his eyes and moved past her, reaching into the depths of the cupboard and producing a travel mug.

"Here. Pour. Let's go."

She obeyed, sticking the mug in the dishwasher and following him down the hall. He grabbed both their kits out of the office and they caught the elevator down to the parking garage. Danny was quiet, starting the car and navigating through mid-town traffic while Lindsay played with the radio and tried to figure out what was eating at her partner.

"Danny."

"What?"

"What's the matter?"

"Nothin'."

"Stop bein' a girl and spill it."

"Stop bein' a girl and thinkin' I need to talk 'bout it."

"Whoa, okay, just sittin' here. Didn't know you had a stick up your butt. Backing off now."

"Sorry," he sighed, glancing over at her and dropping his shoulders. "It's not you, Montana. They passed down the verdict on the Townsend case."

"He's walkin' around a free man?"

"Yeah. Went right back home to his wife and kids. He terrorized them so bad they couldn't testify. Even if one of them had spoken up…" he trailed off, smacking the steering wheel. "We all know he did it. Murdered that guy in cold blood. And now he just walks away."

"I'm sorry Danny," she sighed, leaning her head back against the seat. "I know how hard you worked on that case."

"I thought we had him, you know? It was all right there. Politics. Screwing up science every time."

"It's not your fault."

"I know."

"Yeah, but you still feel guilty about it. That's why you're growling."

He gave a wry chuckle and shook his head.

"He's gonna do it again Linds."

"He might not. It doesn't really matter if he doesn't, he still did this one."

"I hate the justice system sometimes."

"Really doesn't ever do its job, does it?"

"I don't know. Do you feel like it did its job for you?"

She sighed and cleared her throat before answering the only way she knew how.

"It can't bring the girls back or make the nightmares go away. Justice never promises to restore life to the way it was before, and I think sometimes we assume that it does."

"Do you feel like it did do what it promises?"

"I know it did everything it could, but I still feel like it didn't. I guess that's the human part of me that wants it all erased. Maybe that's why we do this job. Erase as much of the fear as we can."

He sighed and swiped his hand across his forehead while she reached over and turned up the air conditioner.

"It's not good enough."

"It never will be, Danny. We can't turn back time or ever overcome the evil in the world. We can't always solve a case or even give someone the answers. But I know that having someone caring, someone on your side, that helps. It helps a lot."

"Does it really or are you just sayin' that to make me feel better?"

"I wouldn't lie to you, Danny."

He nodded and focused on the road, their conversation done for now. He'd pick it back up again in a few days, as if no time had passed, but he would be a bit more settled with the issue. Lindsay had grown up with enough boys that she understood their operation, and that it often took more than one conversation for them to land on something.

They drove for quite a while up north to what Danny called "Country Club Hell." They turned off County Highway 104 and onto an unpaved road that wound into a wooded area.

"Where are we goin'?"

"New house construction," Danny said. "Found a D.B. when they were diggin' up for the foundation."

"Fresh?"

"Just bones as far as I know."

She nodded as he stopped the car and the got out, crossing the yellow tape and joining Flack at the edge of a now shallow grave.

"Well," he started, searching for the right words. "What you see is what you get. Found the body this morning. Not sure what was around it, they found it in the dirt pile after they'd lifted a load of dirt from the ground. No one's touched anything."

Hawkes moved around the body carefully, making note of the age of the bones, looking for any usable tissue. There wasn't much; the body seemed to have completely decomposed and no clothing even laid over the bones. The only telling mark was a gunshot wound to the head.

It was going to be a long day.

* * *

"You're not going to get coffee today," Danny said, poking his head in the office door.

"Am too!" Lindsay declared, taking a huge sip of the hot liquid. Danny cringed and shook his head while she drained the cup. "Told ya."

"And for the next five days while you can't taste anything, you just remember that you had the last word on that one."

"I will."

"Sid needs us down in autopsy."

"Okay," she sighed, pushing back from the desk and following him down the hall. They got in the elevator and fought with each other to be able to push the button first. Danny finally relented and she smiled victoriously, turning around to make a face at him. Instead she found herself pulled into a tight hug.

"What's this for?" she asked, hugging him back.

"I'm just glad you're alright."

She nodded understanding as he released her.

"I'm sorry I worried you."

"Not your fault. Just glad I got my partner back."

"Yeah, all your tormenting skills have to be used somewhere."

"Yeah, like yours don't?"

She laughed as they stepped off the elevator and walked down the hall to autopsy.

"Glad you're here," Sid said, snapping his glasses apart and looking up at them. "Got some trace on the gunshot wound."

He handed Lindsay a plastic vial with a few small pieces of fuzz or something in it.

"I've also found a wrist fracture, fresh around the time of death. Not sure what it's from, but I've got the measurements and force required for you."

"Male or female?"

"Male, around thirty years old, Caucasian. I'm waiting on some results but I'm putting death and burial around twenty five years ago. I'll know more later."

"Got anything else?"

"I'll have my report as soon as I can. I've got dental records coming down, hopefully that will give us an ID. If not, I'll see what kind of DNA I can come up with."

"Okay. Thanks, Sid."

They made their way back upstairs and into the lab, each donning white coats and gloves and going over to the microscope.

It was a boring look at a cotton fiber and they both sighed, taking samples to run the gamut of tests, determining origin and hoping that it would be a link in the chain of evidential pieces.

"Well now what?"

"Don't know," Danny answered. "Either wait around here for Sid's report or call ten hours a day and go home."

"Ten hours, really? I've gotta get out of here. I don't think I even called Adam all day."

"You didn't take a lunch break either."

"I stole some Handi-Snacks out of your desk."

"Well I stole some cookies out of yours."

"We're way too comfortable with each other."

"It keeps us fed," he shrugged as they tied up loose ends and got ready to leave. "Speaking of food, is your clan feeding ours tonight or the other way around?"

"I don't know. Did Austin work today?"

It took him a lot longer to answer than it should have.

"I think she had court this morning but was off the rest of the day. But I don't even know for sure what day it is."

"Right. Well why don't we both call our better halves and see what they want to do?"

They both took out their phones and were soon lost in their own conversations.

"Hey, what are you doin'?" Lindsay asked when Adam answered the phone.

"Me and Austin are watching Firefly while the kids run around naked, screaming their heads off."

Lindsay exchanged a look with Danny who had gotten the same answer from Austin.

"So you're both rotting your brains out watching Firefly for the fortieth time and the kids are somewhere, but you haven't heard a peep in a while and are both too chicken to investigate."

"Brava on the deduction darling."

"It's my job. Dinner. Thoughts?"

"We need to eat. Might as well do it soon. We could all just go out somewhere. We never do that."

"Well you'd better dress the kids so we don't get kicked out."

"I'll get right on that. Get home safe."

"I'll be there soon."

* * *

All the plates were empty and the kids were still happy with their menu coloring pages, sharing crayons as if they had been sent to refinery school. Austin and Danny lounged back in the booth like it was a love seat, looking like a pair of high schoolers on a Friday night. Lindsay was leaning her elbows on the table while Adam rubbed her back and played with the ends of her hair, listening more to her voice as she spoke than the actual words she was saying. He often found himself doing that and having to ask her to repeat what she'd been saying because he'd been so enraptured by the sound of her voice that the words she was forming didn't sink into his consciousness. It irritated her, but he also liked her irritated voice, so he wasn't going to tell her why he was only truly listening half the time.

"We all know about it, they can stop pretending to hide it," Austin said with a chuckle.

"Yeah. Like what, we're in middle school or something?" Lindsay agreed.

"Now wait a minute. You two hid your relationship for months!"

"Well yeah," Lindsay defended, putting a mental hand on a mental hip. "But no one knew we were hiding anything. No one suspected except Stella."

"That's because no one paid attention to us," Adam interjected.

"Yeah, no one cared."

"Okay, wait a minute," Danny started. "I knew somethin' was goin' on with you, Montana. I just didn't know that something involved Geek Boy."

"Yeah, no one ever caught you two kissin', just high fivin'."

"What? That is kissin'!"

"Oh my word," Austin chuckled, shaking her head. "I don't… I can't… let's just not go there."

"Okay, well then back to Mac and Jo and how to get them to admit what's going on."

"They're practically married. Geez."

"Dude," Danny coughed. "Why are we listening to this?"

"Because we married into it, man," Adam commiserated.

"Are you guys goin' out of town this summer? You know, to get these two away from each other for a while?"

"Hey!" the girls chorused, each smacking their respective husband in the arm.

"And if you are, could you make it now?"

"We're not goin' anywhere this summer," Lindsay sighed.

"Yeah, her parents don't want us back. She wrecked the tractor last time."

"I did not wreck the tractor! It was already wrecked! Besides, I thought I was runnin' over a tumbleweed, I didn't know it had a boulder in the middle."

"Because why, Linds."

"Because I leaned over to push my brother out of the tractor and I wasn't payin' attention to where I was goin'."

Austin snorted and shook her head.

"Lin, you make me so proud."

"Thanks."

"So you're not leaving town?" Danny asked for clarification.

"We're going to Arizona in October. And why are you so anxious for me to leave Danny? You just got me back."

"Yeah, I like you at work. I don't like the two of you teamed up. Scares me."

"He's onto us," Austin giggled.

"Our evil plan to actually comb his hair!"

"Ditch them for Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders?" Danny suggested.

"Doesn't hurt to try," Adam said with a one shoulder shrug. "By the way, what are our kids doing?"

They looked over at Colton and Isa who were sword fighting with breadsticks, but doing it like they were stuck on slow motion.

"So they don't break the breadsticks," Lindsay clarified.

"Duh."

Adam and Danny looked at each other and shook their heads. They were used to this, but that didn't mean they ever understood.

* * *

"Dental records just came in," Hawkes reported, tossing a manila folder onto Danny's desk. "You guys are gonna want to look at this."

Danny flipped the folder opened and sighed.

"David Cobb. Why's that name sound familiar?"

Hawkes gestured to the report again.

"Went missing in the spring of 1988," Danny continued. "He was a cop working out of the 50th- wait, I know this case. My father, he worked it back then. Austin's dad too. You sure on these records?"

"Positive. Double checked. Sid's running bone marrow DNA as we speak for further confirmation, but this is David Cobb."

Danny stood there for a second, reading over the small amount of information Hawkes had given him.

"We need to get the old records from the case. Feel like gettin' dusty, Montana?"

"Dustier than you, pretty boy."

Hawkes rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to go see if Sid's ready to release his report yet."

"Thanks. We're gonna go over to records."

They left the office after Danny tossed the folder on his desk.

"So what do you remember about this case?" Lindsay asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Not much. My dad didn't really talk about work at home. I know it stressed him out though. Cobb went missing after work one night. He'd walked home from work but never made it there. His wife was six months pregnant. Cobb was teamed up with a guy named uh… Bridger I think. I don't really remember much else."

"Bridger?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"The house."

"The one bein' built?"

"Yeah. Wasn't that house being built for a woman named Bridger?"

Danny pulled a small notebook out of his back pocket and flipped through it for a minute.

"Yeah, Tallie Bridger."

"The world isn't that small, is it?"

"I dunno. Probably not in a court of law."

They made it down to the records room, both sneezing in unison at the dust that had accumulated and the old paper smell.

"So. Where do we start?"

"Well, figurin' this thing ain't even organized none… your guess is as good as mine."

"You go from country slang to proper English in the middle of a sentence."

"I'm awesome Danny."

He arched an eyebrow and the set to work, looking at labels on boxes for a good twenty minutes before they even made it to the right year.

"Found it, you owe me a slushie."

"We stopped doin' that years ago, Montana."

"We fell out of the habit, that don't mean it's not still in play."

"How does Austin keep up with you?"

"The heck? How do I keep up with her?"

"How do me and Adam keep up with either of you?"

She smiled and shook her head, opening the old bank box and sneezing again.

"Dash, can't anybody wiggle a dustbuster around in here once a decade?"

"Who?"

"What?"

"Dash?"

"Oh. Means damn."

"Right."

"Danny you should know by now."

"Know what?"

"It's just no use."

He chuckled as they started to go through the papers in the box, finding very little more than they already knew. It was like the investigation had been at a dead end before it even started.

"Hey, do you think we could get your dad down here? Ask him some questions, maybe he remembers something that's not in the files."

"I could ask. I know it was a really hard time for him, but he might be willing."

"I could use my charms," Austin said suddenly from the doorway. "I got all the Messer men wrapped 'round my little finger."

"That's what we want you to think," Danny retorted. She flicked his ear and grabbed the papers out of his hands. "You remember this?"

"Vaguely," she said, biting her lip as she skimmed over the old typewritten document.

"You were knee high to a grasshopper."

The girls just stared at him for a second before letting out complimentary sighs.

"Moving on."

"We should see if we can find old newspaper articles. I remember my dad getting interviewed for something around this time," Austin suggested. "Maybe there's something."

"Worth a shot."

"Speaking of, did Sid recover a bullet?"

"Negatory," Danny replied. "He thinks it might have fallen out when he was being transported. If there was flesh left he could tell if the bullet had been removed intentionally, but so far…"

"Dead end."

"Exactly."

They all dropped their shoulders in early defeat. This was beginning to stink like a cover-up or something even deeper than that, and they all knew how that would turn out. Right back in this room, putting the unsolved case into the box again.


	144. Chapter 144

"Okay I have time for two snuggles," Lindsay said, leaning down to pick up a crying Ben. He wasn't used to having both parents gone at work all day long and as much as he loved Faye, he'd been a little spoiled recently. Lindsay sat down on the couch with him, holding him tightly until his tears went away. He nuzzled against her chest, sniffling while she ran her fingers through his hair.

"I have to go to work now sweetie."

"No mama!" he wailed, clutching at her desperately.

"Yes. I'll be home later-"

"NO!"

She sat back and held him away from her, trying to get his attention while he hiccupped.

"Benjamin, listen to me. Daddy and I will be back from work later tonight. You get to stay here and play."

"Want mama," he whimpered, fighting her gentle grip and falling back to her chest. She sighed and stood up, knowing the clock was ticking and she had to leave soon.

"I'll snuggle you when I get home tonight, okay?"

He let out a tortured sob and she peeled him off of her, handing him to Faye then stepping back before he could lunge for her.

"You boys be good," Adam said as they headed for the door. "Love you."

"Love you too!" Colton chirped, looking away from his playdoh project for just a moment. "Don't be dangerous, 'kay?"

"Okay."

They slipped out the door and Adam reached over, taking her hand and squeezing it tightly.

"I hate that part so much."

"I do too. But the coming home part makes up for it, right?"

"I guess."

They stepped into the elevator and he held her tightly, kissing her forehead.

"Stop feeling guilty. He'll be over it soon."

"I know. He's probably fine already. I just… I can hear him crying in my head. I hate that."

"Me too."

"Life must go on," she sighed as they exited their building and headed for work. It wasn't a short walk, but they made good time, taking several shortcuts that they'd discovered in the last few years. They didn't say much to each other as they walked, but nothing much was needed. They were both just enjoying the short time together.

"Want to sneak away for lunch?"

"Yes. I'll come find you."

They'd be in the same building all day long, and would probably see each other several times, but he couldn't help stopping in the middle of the hallway and drawing her into his arms again.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Neither of them minded the people rushing around them as they shared a short kiss, staring into each other's eyes for a second before going their separate ways.

* * *

"I don't even know anymore," Austin sighed, tossing the file folder onto Danny's desk.

"Me neither," Danny agreed.

"Similarly afflicted," Lindsay sighed, spinning around slowly in her chair. "Let's start a club."

"Too much effort."

"But we could have matching sweatshirts."

"Well lah-di-dah," Danny snorted, tossing a baseball into the air and catching it.

"Okay fine, you think of something."

"I dunno."

"This stuff is disgusting. Why am I still eating it?" Lindsay whined, taking a bite of the grape flavored Twizzler.

"Because you're bored and there's nothing else to do while you're waiting for reports to come back," Austin said, leaning over and swiping the candy. "And now you're going to share with me."

"Hey!"

"Ew, this is gross!"

"And yet you just took a second bite."

"We spend too much time together," Austin said around a mouthful of sugar.

"You two do that, I'm going to read over the autopsy report again. You know, actually do the work I was paid for."

"Hey, I can't go find the bad guy until you do your job," Austin reminded him, kicking his desk.

"Technicality," he replied, keeping his eyes on the report while he shoved her foot away.

"Anybody doin' any work in here?" Jo asked, coming into the room with a stack of papers.

"We were workin' on figurin' a way to look like we're workin'," Lindsay answered. "Ideas?"

"David Cobb's arrests from the year he went missing. Might find something."

"Thanks."

Jo set the papers down, then stole the last Twizzler off of Lindsay's desk before leaving the room.

"You know it was a bad time when someone's mugshot includes a fluorescent yellow windbreaker."

"Or shoulder pads. On a man," Austin added, picking up a second arrest report. "E-gads. How did we survive the eighties?"

"Kept our heads down and mourned John Belushi."

"You were too young to have ever appreciated Belushi," Danny scoffed.

"Danny, you're not that much older than us."

"I feel older."

"You look older."

"Walked into it."

They continued to go through the reports, organizing them into different piles based on how strong a lead it may be. It was frustrating and a last ditch effort to try and bring some closure to an old case, but maybe the answer would lie in a place that had been overlooked.

Two cups of coffee and an hour later they had things organized better and had a small list of leads, one looking extremely promising. It was an arrest made three months before Cobb's disappearance, and the suspect had been released just days before.

"What time's Pop comin' down?" Austin asked stretching her arms over her head.

"He should be down there any minute. What's say you two go down and see if he can help while Flack and I go pick up this other guy?"

"Compare notes later," Lindsay suggested. "Play crack the case."

"We have mad crime solving skills."

* * *

"Do you remember much about the case?" Austin asked, pouring a glass of water for her father-in-law.

"Anything that might help us out now?"

"Girls, this was twenty five years ago. And we got nowhere with it."

"We know that. Could you just tell us what you remember?"

Lou sighed.

"What I know is probably what you know," he said, moving his glass around on the table before sitting back in his chair. "I don't know how anything I say is going to help."

"Pop," Austin started, taking a deep breath. "We've got more resources now than you did then."

"That's not going to make a difference, Austin. What happened still happened."

They stared at each other for a second and Lindsay scrambled to catch up to what had just passed between them.

"Pop what aren't you telling me?"

"Look, it was a bad case. Took its toll. It was hard enough losing David, but to have to tell his pregnant wife that we were at a dead end and had nothing left to do for her? That hit us all pretty hard. We couldn't even find a primary crime scene. Everyone thought Bridger had something to do with it, ruined his reputation. There's just a lot that went on that… it may be a long time ago, but that stuff is all still there."

"Are you sayin' this was an inside job?"

"Austin."

"Now wait a minute Pop. This was in '88. That was right in the thick of everything. Dirty cops and the politics and… what are you not sayin'?"

He was quiet for a second, staring her down.

"I know things were bad back then. I know that's when my dad… why he… I know how much it stressed you all out, okay? But you don't need to protect me from whatever it is you're not saying."

"Austin," Lindsay started, seeing the beginnings of a shouting match brewing in her best friend's voice.

"Was my dad involved in this? He worked the case but was he involved in it?"

"Hey, kiddo-"

"Don't! I need to know what happened. I deserve to know, don't you think?"

"Austin," Lindsay repeated sharply. "Out."

"What?"

"Out."

Austin looked at her for just a second before standing up and leaving the room, slamming the door behind her. Lindsay jumped slightly at the noise, wondering if she had just started a fight.

"She listened to you?"

"I've earned it. Now is she right? Is there something you're not saying?"

"Look, back then, things were different. You couldn't even trust your partner. You didn't know who was dirty and who was clean, who was caught in the middle. You just didn't know. You had to tread carefully and hope you didn't stumble upon something you shouldn't. Some of these guys are old timers, but the younger ones are still on the force now. You kids are into something that's deeper than you know."

"I can't believe that unless you're straight with me here."

"No wonder my son hasn't ditched you for another partner."

She sighed and sat back, figuring she would wait him out just like she did with Danny. Eventually the silence would drive him nuts and he would speak.

"It started out small, a few cops taking bribes here and there. By '88 it had turned into something much bigger. Lots of cops involved, not just taking bribes, but selling guns, diddling with the mob, the sorts of things you see in movies. They were careful to do it on their own time, figuring they would get caught doing it on the job. There were stricter rules because of what happened in the 70's, but the underbelly was still there. These cops were using their power and their connections to get what they wanted. Austin's father wasn't involved up to this point but later… how much has she told you about him?"

"Basically everything."

"When everything started at home, it wasn't a secret. I called other cops, I called CPS, I tried to get favors from judges, and no one would budge. Nothing would stick. Jack had friends, okay? I don't know if he was involved in all this or if he was a smooth talker at the right times, but somehow he managed to get away with it. I don't want her to know that. I would rather have her think that I failed her than believe that there was another thing stacked against her father's integrity."

"I won't say anything, it's not relevant to the investigation."

"Thank you."

"But Jack worked the case with you. And someone else, Charlie Hendricks?"

"Yeah. We were at it for months. We found nothing. You've read the reports."

"It looks pretty unsolvable."

"You kids need to tread lightly. These guys, their power runs deep. You have families. You have to keep them safe. Please just… keep them safe."

"Do you really think that after all these years they would-"

"Yes."

"Can you give me names? Any names at all?"

"I can't do that."

"It sounds like you don't want this case solved either."

"I do. I'm just afraid of what that might mean."

"Are you going to let us all find out on our own? Just jump in? Because none of us are letting go of this one."

He gave a long sigh.

"Check out Bridger. Ask his wife for anything he may have written in that time, letters, journals, anything. Start there. Be careful."

"Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Yeah."

"Why did you drop the case?"

"I never dropped it. Captain ordered us off it. No reason. Just told us hands off."

"We'll be careful. I promise."

They stood up and left the room and she watched as he walked by Austin's desk, giving her shoulder a squeeze. She looked up at him and smiled a little before he walked away.

Lindsay sighed and walked slowly across the room, plopping down in the chair next to Austin's desk. They didn't say anything for a few minutes, just regarded each other quietly.

"I'm sorry I-"

"No, you were right. I was getting too involved."

"It's okay to be like that you know. Invested."

"Not when you're screaming at your father-in-law for no reason."

"Okay, maybe that's a little excessive, but that wasn't what you were doing. If you didn't have that passion you shouldn't be a cop. So tough cookies."

Austin cracked a smile and shook her head.

"What would I do without you Linds?"

"Go insane faster and more alone."

"That sounds awful."

"Precisely."

"I'm starving. Want to grab lunch?"

"I told Adam I would go find him when I was ready to go. Rain check?"

"Yeah. Besides maybe I can con Danny into getting me a slice of Rays."

"That's not going to take much effort, all he ever wants to eat is Rays."

"True facts."

"Let me know when the guys get back."

"I will. Go be disgusting with your husband."

"Okay," Lindsay giggled.

It was a short walk back to the lab and she found Adam staring so intently at a computer screen that he didn't even hear her come up. Grinning, she walked over and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Hey."

"Hey. Hungry?"

"Yeah, just gimme a second to finish this up."

She kissed his cheek and righted herself.

"I'm going to call the boys."

"Okay. I'll be right there."

She walked into the office and plopped into the chair, smiling at the family picture that sat atop the desk before she picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi Faye, it's Lindsay. How are the boys?"

"Oh pretty good. Just finishing their lunch. I think they're going to have a rest here in a few minutes."

"Did Ben stop screaming?"

"It took him a bit, but he's okay now. He wants to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Hi mama."

"Hi baby. What are you doing?"

"I food. Pickle!"

"You ate a pickle? Was it sour?"

"Yum, mama."

"Are you going to go have a little sleep?"

"Big bed?"

"Yeah, you can sleep in the big bed."

"Talk budder. Bye mama."

"Bye baby."

There was a shuffling noise and then Colton came on.

"Hi mama. What are you doing? Did you 'rest any bad guys today? You and Austin and Danny do that and daddy be's a scientist today?"

"Well, daddy was a scientist today, but I didn't arrest anyone yet."

"Oh. Me and Ben was playin' that we was a store and we buyed stuff and then we selled stuff to Faye and made money so we could go on vacation okay?"

"Oh, okay. Where are we going to go?"

"Most magical place on earth like you and daddy says. Disneyland mama!"

"We'll have to wait and see."

"Mama, I need to take a rest too like Ben?"

"Yeah, just a little one. You don't have to sleep, just have some quiet time, okay?"

"Okay, I could do that. I could lay on daddy's side of the bed and Ben could sleep on your side."

"Yeah, you can do that."

"When you and daddy will come home?"

"We'll be home around dinner time."

"Okay. I gotta go mama or Ben's gonna get daddy's side!"

"Bye honey."

She hung up the phone and found Adam in the doorway with a small smile on his face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What?"

He shrugged and walked over to her, offering his hands and helping her out of the chair.

"I just like listening to you sometimes."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Okay. What are you hungry for?"

"I don't know. Wanna run over to that deli?"

"Yeah, let's go."

* * *

"Boys, it's time to go to bed," Lindsay hollered around her toothbrush as she heard the boys giggling in their bed again.

"We know this mama. We just talkin' first."

"I know this," she replied with a grin, shutting the bathroom light off. "But it's bedtime for bonzos and you're both bonzos."

They hooted with laughter as she stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips.

"Can you come in here mama? One more bedtime cuddle?"

It was getting late, but she couldn't resist their smiles and messy hair and matching dinosaur pajamas and the way they both just sat there expectantly with their hands in their laps.

"Okay, one more cuddle."

They giggled as she climbed into the bed with them, smiling as they snuggled up to her as if she was the most important person in the world.

"Room for daddy?" Adam asked as he joined them, dropping a kiss to Colton's head.

"Yep. Just don't let mama fall off the bed."

"Mama fall," Ben repeated with a yawn.

"Ben, are you ever going to sleep in your own bed?" Lindsay asked, looking over at the toddler bed that Ben had never climbed into.

"No. With budder."

"Yeah I protect him from all the scary stuff in the dark," Colton said, rubbing his eyes.

"That's what brothers are for, huh?"

"Mm-hmm."

"Sounds like you're getting tired," Adam said quietly, watching as Colton's eyes fluttered opened and closed.

"Everybody gots buttcheeks."

"What?"

"Everybody gots buttcheeks," he repeated. "I gots buttcheeks. Ben gots buttcheeks. I bet you gots buttcheeks daddy."

Lindsay was trying so hard not to laugh that her entire body was shaking and moving the bed. It woke Ben up and he stared at them all for a minute before yawning and closing his eyes again.

"Yeah, everybody's got buttcheeks. The book that's sweeping the nation."

"The sequel to _Everybody Poops_?"

"More like the prequel if you think about it."

She snorted and buried her face in the pillow.

"C'mon, they're asleep."

They got up and went into their bedroom, sliding under the covers and sighing. It was early, but rare were the days that they didn't hit the sack soon after the boys. They could have stayed up, they weren't really that tired and there were things to watch on TV. But sitting side by side in bed, reading or just talking seemed to be the perfect way to end a long day at work. He settled in with a gaming magazine while she curled her legs underneath her and picked up the novel she'd been working on for the last few weeks. They were quiet for a few minutes, while the night air came through the window and he reached over and rested his hand on her hip. She smiled and wrapped her arm around his, scooting over to lean on him.

They had finally found that perfect position, the one they could stay in for hours, when her phone beeped. Sighing, she reached over for it and opened the text from Austin.

_What are you guys doing?_

_Laying in bed. What are you guys doing?_

_Laying in bed. We had a thought._

_Collective?_

_What if it wasn't Cobb at all? What if Bridger was the one that got in too deep?_

_Possible. Maybe they were planning on killing Bridger…_

_And got Cobb instead._

_He was alone, wearing that hoodie. One could be mistaken for the other._

_And maybe they realized their mistake, dumped Cobb on a piece of land Bridger's family happened to own._

_They couldn't get revenge by killing him so they decided to frame him instead._

_But no one found the body until now._

_By jove…_

_Hopefully Bridger's wife will have something for us tomorrow._

_Hopefully. Night Roz._

_Night Ava._

She put the phone back on the night stand and resumed her previous position.

"I'm going to sleep."

"Okay. I'm just going to finish this one article."

She nodded and yawned, closing her eyes and letting herself rest safely against him as the night grew darker. She stretched her toes out as he tossed his magazine onto the side table and scooted down the mattress, pulling the blankets over their heads.

"What are you doing?"

"Makin' a fort."

She chuckled and wrapped her arms around him.

"You're really cute, do you know that?"

"Yeah, kinda."

"Don't ever change."


	145. Chapter 145

A/N: So sorry it's been taking me so long to get through this case. I just don't do the procedural well so it's been like pulling teeth to get my muse to cooperate. Hopefully things will get back to normal now. I've got the next 5 chapters planned and I must say that you will all be very pleased with how things go from here on out.

* * *

The clock ticked gently on the wall, back and forth, marking the passing of ever increasing seconds. Danny and Lindsay looked at each other for a moment, then back at Mrs. Bridger who was searching through a filing cabinet, looking for the old documents they'd requested. She'd been nothing but helpful to them, making sure they knew that her late husband was innocent, but that she would accept whatever they found as fact. The wound of her husband's death only six months before was still fresh, and going through his things was taking its toll on her. They could feel the anguish and both wished they could tell her that they would be back another day, but they needed this and she was willing.

Lindsay couldn't imagine the pain of being suddenly alone, your husband gone, never to return. It hit her hard and brought on nausea as her imagination took over and she pictured her life without Adam. It would have doubled her over in pain had she not been able to clear it from her head so fast.

"Here they are. He started keeping private case notes pretty early on, but I never looked at them so I don't even know what's in there."

"Thank you," Lindsay said, taking the stack of papers reverently.

"Is there anything else you can remember about that time? Anything at all?"

"I've been thinking about it so much, but it was so long ago, I don't know what's a real memory and what's… just what I want to remember," she said wistfully, sinking down into the desk chair. "He never talked about it. He would send a Christmas card to David's wife and son every year, but other than that, it was as if it never happened. Losing a partner is hard, and he never really got over it."

Lindsay and Danny exchanged a look, knowing exactly how they would deal with losing a partner. Not well, would be the long and short of it.

"How about before all this, maybe the year before. Did he talk about any investigations? Was he happy with his job?"

"Everything was fine. Sometimes he stayed later at work, or he'd go in on his days off, but I figured it was a case. Everything seemed normal."

"Sleeping habits?"

"I really don't remember. Believe, if I knew these things, I would tell you. Ever since this happened… we've been outcasted by everyone. For some reason they all think he had something to do with it and I just don't believe that! I don't."

"Mrs. Bridger," Lindsay started softly. "Did any other cops ever come around the house? Before or after this happened? Maybe someone that made you uneasy?"

"Yes. I can't think of his name… Haskell I think. Dwayne. Yes, Dwayne Haskell. He and Thomas had been in the academy together. He was nice enough but something about him and his partner was just strange. They only came over once. It must have been about a week before David disappeared. I left the room, I figured it was sensitive information, but when they left Thomas was angry. He came in here to the study and closed the door. Didn't come out until morning. I didn't ask, he normally didn't talk about his cases, I just assumed it was a bad verdict or something. Left him alone."

"Have you had any contact with David's wife or son?"

"They came to Thomas's memorial service. We talked for a while. She's still angry that nothing was ever done. She doesn't believe Thomas had anything to do with it either. She says she's sure of what happened but she can't say."

"We're heading over to speak with her next. Do you think she'll be receptive to it?"

"I don't know. She doesn't trust cops, but I guess you're not exactly on the beat, are you?"

"No, not really."

"I don't know. She might be okay. I assume someone's been keeping her updated with the investigation."

"Yes. She's still in shock, we haven't really had a chance to talk to her about things."

"Will you keep me updated? Let me know what you find out?"

"We will."

They bid her goodbye and headed out of the brownstone to their waiting car. Lindsay sighed heavily as she sunk into her seat, closing her eyes against the glaring sun.

"What?"

"I don't know. It's just… I'm worried about what we're going to find. I'm worried about not finding anything."

"Just want it to be over with," he agreed, starting the car. "You get any impressions back there?"

"Not really. I think we're on the right track though. I think it goes a lot deeper than an unfortunate accident."

"Question is, how deep?"

* * *

"Talk about meticulous," Lindsay sighed, rolling her neck and stretching. "This guy recorded everything."

"Hopefully that will help," Hawkes added, shuffling through the papers they had laid out on the table. "At least it would help if we could break this code he's using to write people's names."

"I wonder if it's just gibberish. No code at all."

"Maybe we're going to have to find the actual records and compare to figure out who people are."

"Shouldn't there be a computer program for this?" Austin sighed.

"Yes. There should."

"Tell Adam to get right on that."

"I'll tell him but I'm gonna shelter you from what I am certain he'll say."

They all spent several more minutes reading through the old papers and trying to come up with connections. It was obvious that there was corruption in the police force, and it was obvious that Bridger had found out who was involved and how. Of course with all the names coded, there was no way to figure out who those people were. And with Bridger dead of a heart attack, asking him was out of the question. They began to scribble notes, each taking one character and writing down all references to him with dates and times and other information, that they could cross reference with police records at the time. It was the most tedious work they'd had to do in a long time and headaches were coming quickly.

Austin stood up suddenly, dropping the file on the table and walking out of the room without a word.

"What was that?" Hawkes asked, watching confusedly as she punched the elevator buttons.

"Give her ten minutes," Lindsay explained.

"She'll be back."

"You two aren't worried about her?"

"Nah. She'll be fine," Danny shrugged. "She just needs some air. I'll go find her in a bit."

They went back to work as if nothing had happened, finishing up the last little bit Austin had left before trying to put things back into the order they were in originally. They could have just piled everything together, but this case was sensitive and they needed to treat everything in it as if it were sensitive too.

"Montana, you wanna go catch up with Mrs. Cobb now? She said anytime after two."

"Yeah, that's fine. Let me just call home and make sure the kids haven't taken Adam hostage."

"I was teachin' Isa different knots last night."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and shook her head, knowing he was probably telling the truth.

"Is Adam at home with all five kids?" Hawkes asked, trying to picture the situation in his head.

"Yep."

"Wow."

"He loves it. Says it gives him an excuse to play with Legos and watch cartoons all day."

"He does that anyway."

"That's what I said, but it's the least he can do. Danny's returned the favor quite a few times."

"We all have. Takes a village kind of thing."

"Our kids are gonna take more than just one village."

"Isa's gonna take more than one village," Danny corrected.

"She will never be accused of being boring, that's for sure."

"Yeah. You call home, I'm going to go check on Austin and I'll meet you at the car."

She nodded and took the stack of files into their office, locking them in the filing cabinet before collapsing down into the chair. The phone rang four times before Adam answered, out of breath and distracted.

"Hello?"

"Hey. What's going on? You sound like you're in the middle of a war zone."

"We were playing freeze tag. Do you know how fast these little buggers are?"

She chuckled and played with a pencil she found on her desk, spinning it between her fingers and back again.

"Is everyone doing okay? Do you need reinforcements?"

"Nah, we're good. No temper tantrums, everyone ate lunch, Ben and Junior are sleeping. Colton and Isa did tell Sarah she was too little to play with them, which resulted in major crocodile tears, but she got some chocolate milk to make up for it."

"That's good."

"When will you be home?"

"I don't know. I'm on until six, but I have no idea what's going to happen between now and then, so… I'll let you know when I do."

"How's the case?"

"Unsolved. Getting cold."

"I'm sorry."

"We'll figure it out, we just have to find that one little thing."

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Just tired and frustrated and in need of some Advil."

"You go find some. I gotta go, they found the foam swords."

"Okay. Hey baby?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too sweetie. Be safe."

* * *

From the moment they sat down, Katie Cobb could hardly keep her tears under control. It had been a very long time since her husband went missing, and she had had years to make her peace with it. But finding his body was bringing forth some intense emotions for her, and talking about any of it was difficult. Lindsay sat by her side patiently, waiting for the right moment to start asking questions, while Danny kept his distance, standing at the threshold to the room like a sentry. He didn't think about it when he did it, but it did give Katie a sense of calm and safety and made her tears slow.

"I know this is hard," Lindsay said softly. "I know it hurts to go back to those days, but we really need your help."

"I know. It's just such a nightmare."

"I don't know how you feel, but I understand, believe me. We'll do this as quickly as we can, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you remember anyone on the force that David was having trouble with? Anyone he didn't like, or someone that didn't like him?"

"He used to say 'Haskell is a sleaze.' I don't know why, he never said, but that's the only name that pops into my head. Haskell. I remember it because after David had been missing for a few weeks, Haskell came over here and brought me flowers. His wife had made dinner for me. Gave me his card, said to call if I needed anything. I remember thinking it was weird that he would do that if he was such a sleaze."

"Did you see him after that?"

"At the candlelight vigil for David the next year. And possibly the one after that. I don't know, I don't remember if I ever talked to him again."

"Was there anyone else who came to you afterwards? Anyone who helped you out?"

"David's partner, Thomas Bridger. We don't see him much but he's been around. I think he felt guilty because that night… he and David always walked partway home together. He stayed late to finish something up and David walked alone."

Lindsay looked up at Danny; they had a new piece of information that fit right in with the theory they were all currently subscribing to.

"Was David happy at work? Did he talk to you about it?"

"A little. I was pregnant at the time so we mostly talked about that, plans for the future," she answered, her voice breaking. "Sometimes he would come home frustrated, tell me the system was bad and no matter how hard he worked, the city would never be safe. He said they could do miracles and get all the crooks off the streets, but that would never make it safe for our son."

"Do you remember any other cops coming by the house before David went missing? Showing up unexpectedly?"

"No, never. He didn't know many of the guys, he was the rookie, you know?"

"Did he keep any notes on cases or anything? Maybe he had some files or something?"

"No, I don't know of anything he kept here. You know it's a sensitive line of work, they're really not supposed to talk about things."

Lindsay nodded and looked to Danny, not really sure where to take the questions next. He shook his head a little, knowing that they'd reached another dead end.

* * *

"I think we've got a break," Hawkes said, joining them as they stepped off the elevator. "We found bullet fragments in the dirt surrounding the body. I put them back together and I just got the results back. We got a match."

"Are you serious?" Lindsay asked while Danny took the printout from Hawkes.

"It's a match to a gun used in a home invasion ten years ago. An unregistered handgun. The home owner?"

"Dwayne Haskell," Danny finished, letting out a low whistle through his teeth. "What's a cop doin' with an unregistered handgun?"

"Running with the wrong crowd. He should have been thrown in jail, but he only got a slap on the wrist and a desk job."

"Where is he now?" Danny asked excitedly, like a dog on a scent trail. "Let's go pick him up."

"Can't. He's dead. Car accident."

Danny probably would have put his fist through a wall if he had been standing near one.

"This just keeps getting better and better."

"So basically Cobb was murdered twenty five years ago by someone who died and therefore we can't take the case to trial."

"Yeah."

"Well now what?"

"Let's go see what Mac has to say."

They went to Mac's office and gave him a brief overview, watching while he sighed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I think you're going to have to put it to bed for today. Pick it back up tomorrow, see if you can find any connections between Haskell's dealings and anyone he worked with. There were accomplices to this crime, and based on what I know of that time, there were a lot more rats in the woodpile. Write me up a report then go home and get some sleep."

They nodded and left his office for theirs, sitting down at their desks and wordlessly filling out reports for the next hour. Tedious work that only exacerbated the frustration of a dead end case that while solved, would probably never be completely closed.

"Go home, Montana," Danny said after a while.

"But-"

"I'm waitin' for Austin anyway. I'll finish up. Get outta here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. We'll be over to pick up the kids in an hour or so. That alright?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

He shooed her away and she left the room, exiting the building and starting the walk home in a near daze. She was exhausted mentally and physically, and a short glance at her watch told her she'd put in another ten hour day. Breathing deeply, she tried to wake up her senses and get back to normal, at least for a few hours until the boys went to bed and she could decompress.

She entered the apartment and found all five kids sitting on the floor, staring at an episode of _Bill Nye the Science Guy_ while Adam sat on the couch looking half asleep.

"Hey babe."

"Hey," she replied, leaning down to kiss each of the kids on the top of their heads before joining Adam on the couch.

"So?"

"It's gonna be the kind of case that sits on the corner of someone's desk until the DA can figure out how to try it."

He opened his arms to her and she snuggled down against his chest, feeling safe and secure.

"I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie."

She lifted her head up and caught his eyes while her hand pressed against his chest, feeling his heart beating against her palm.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you," she whispered, trying to fight the tears that had been threatening since this morning with Mrs. Bridger.

"Linds, why are you thinking like that?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry sweets. Just tell me what's going on."

"It's just this case. These women, they lose their husbands and then they have to figure out a way to keep living. How does someone do that? I couldn't. I would miss you too much. I just… I want to be with you forever, even after we die. You got any plans for the afterlife?"

"Just you and me and a hammock in the shade by some water somewhere. Lemonade and iced tea. Birds singing. Haven't really put much more thought into it."

She chuckled and reached up to trace his face gently, sighing when his lips met her wrist and his other arm came more tightly around her.

"Every line. Every word. Everything."

"You are the sappiest man in the world but it just makes me happy."

"Well it's your fault I'm sappy. You've done away with my ability to be an emotional flat line. One look at your eyes baby, and I'm done for."

"Has it always been that way?"

"Well I don't know if I want to admit that you had an effect on me the moment I met you."

"Oh really?"

"You were gorgeous. I mean, you still are, but that was the first thing I thought of when I saw you. And you just had this light about you. I wanted to get close to you, just so I could feel that, you know? I fell hard for you."

"And then you got to know me and backed up to "let's be friends," right?"

"No. Linds, I was never, ever interested in being just friends with you. If that was what you wanted, I would have stayed that way, happy to at least be in your life. But really this life we have now is what I wanted. Maybe not from the first second, but definitely early on."

"I guess it took me a little longer… I was scared I think. Really scared, deep down and I didn't know it. As soon as I started to feel something for you I pushed it away and told myself I wasn't ready. But I was always happy when you were around and sad when you left and I still get butterflies when I look at you."

He smiled and kissed her, feeling that same surge he'd felt the first time they spoke, the first time they touched, the first time her head had rested on his chest, the first time he'd held her while she slept. He felt it every time she was near, and it had only grown in intensity over the years, and he sometimes fleetingly wondered if it was normal.

He didn't really care if it was or wasn't.

They stayed that way for a while, talking softly and getting lost in each other, even as the kids bickered over which PBS show to watch next. Life wrapped warmly around them and they just enjoyed it while it lasted, not worried about when it might end.

"Hey, we've come to collect our offspring," Danny said, coming through the door a while later.

"Okay. You can leave with whichever kids you want. I'm not picky."

Austin snickered and leaned down to kiss each of the kids. She looked better than she had earlier, and Lindsay made a mental note to ask her what exactly had happened.

"I think we'll just take the ones that share our DNA for now, but we might need to make an exchange later."

"Come on little Messers. Let's scoot," Danny said, lifting Sarah off the floor. She giggled and let go of his hands, running over to hop onto the couch and wrap her arms around Adam's neck.

"Thanks for chocolate milk."

"Anytime."

She grinned and leaned over to hug Lindsay before scampering back to her parents.

"Bye Binyin. Bye," Junior said solemnly, patting Ben's shoulder.

"Bye Dunner."

They nodded at each other as if a secret had passed between them, then parted ways.

"Isa, I will see you on Skype later, 'kay? We could finish our story."

"Yeah! Maybe tonight I will learn to write all the letters and spell and then I could write it down so we don't forget it."

"That's a good idea. I will find some cool paper, like the yellow stuff."

"Okay. We gots a plan now."

"Yep. Love you, see you later."

"Love you too."

After a few more hugs the Messers left, and Colton and Ben stood in the middle of the room, looking around and sighing.

"Colton, what's the matter? You look like you're suffering a bout with the higgledy-piggledys."

"Well," he started, knowing she meant he looked confused. "I just don't know what to do now."

"Are your friends the only source of your entertainment?"

"I don't not what that means mama, but I think so."

She chuckled as the boys climbed up onto the couch with them and began to tell her everything they had done that day. She listened as intently as she could, even as the thought of David Cobb rattled around in her head. He thought that the city would never be completely safe for his son. She hated that thought, but understood where it came from, and she was bound and determined to prove him wrong.


	146. Chapter 146

"We goin' see my Crampa, we goin' see my Crampa!" Colton sang happily, his feet kicking against the seat as he looked out the window. "Daddy, what's those silly naked trees with just hair on the top?"

"Those are palm trees, bud," Adam answered, turning the air conditioner up. "Are you excited to go see Grandpa?"

"Yep, I love my Crampa! Ben, you love Crampa too?"

"Yay!"

"Daddy, where is us?"

"Arizona, remember?"

"Yeah. I telled Isa last night that we was going to here and she say if it's another planet."

"No, not another planet. Montana is another planet."

"Hey!" Lindsay chuckled, reaching over to smack his arm. He shot her a grin and took her hand, running his thumb over her knuckles. She'd told him before she left that she loved going to Montana to visit her family, but when they went to Arizona it felt like a real vacation. Everything was a little more laid back, they could sleep until ten and not feel guilty about it. He wanted to make sure that she got a good vacation, a good rest. She'd needed it for a while. They both had.

"Hey, you know who else we get to see?"

"Gigi!" Colton shouted, using his name for his grandmother. "My Gigi. She makes me cookies."

"Yep. And who else?"

Colton thought for a minute, tapping his chin before clapping his hands and answering.

"Auntie Hannah, we getta see Auntie Hannah! Are we 'most there? I wanna get out of the car. It is not our car. It smells funny."

"What do you think Ben?" Lindsay asked, turning around to look at him. He grinned at her and gripped the bill of his Yankees cap before patting the window.

"Out, mama."

"We'll get out in a while. Is it too hot back there?"

"Nope, it's just right, like the baby bear's porridge!" Colton said. "Hey, what the heck in the world is porridge anyway?"

"It's like oatmeal. Or grits. Or something kind of like that."

"Like hot cereal?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Well why you not just say that, daddy?"

"I have no idea."

Colton was quiet then, staring out the window and humming to himself, lost in his own world where everything made sense.

"You tired?" Adam asked softly, glancing over at Lindsay.

"Nope. Just right."

"You're cute."

"I try."

"So what do you think about maybe day after tomorrow we can leave the boys with my mom and go have a date?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I kind of planned something."

"An anniversary something?"

"I wouldn't be a good man if I didn't."

"You know, you don't have to always plan the dates."

"You went through pregnancy and labor twice. The least I can do is plan the dates."

"You're wonderful and I really want to kiss you right now but I don't want you to wreck the car because of hormones."

"So I can wreck it for other reasons?"

"As long as it's not embarrassing. I don't want to tell the cops that you wrecked the car because we were making out."

"Yeah, that might be a little awkward."

"Hey, I'm not going to be meeting any of your ex-girlfriends on this trip, am I?"

"I highly doubt it. Why?"

"Because I don't know if I would be able to refrain from going "neener neener neener!" And no one wants that."

"Would be a boost to my ego."

"Very true."

He squeezed her hand twice and gave her the little smile that he had only ever given her. She returned one of her own and they drove on.

* * *

The sun was hot and the wind was still and even though it was the middle of fall, Lindsay knew they were going to need sunscreen and lots of water. The boys were chattering happily with their grandparents, telling them all about their plane ride and whatever else came to mind. They were all sitting on the front porch where the air was cooler but still fresh and they weren't cooped up inside. It was early afternoon and the neighborhood was quiet and it was the perfect moment of summer captured months later.

"Gigi, where is my Hannah?"

"She's still at school. She doesn't know you're here."

"Oh wow! We is gonna be a surprise. A surprise like mama says I was!"

Lindsay snickered and shook her head. Even when she had been saying that, she was sure he was going to repeat it.

"Colton, do you think we could go for a walk down to Hannah's school? We could meet her there when school is over."

"Oh, okay! Can we go now?"

"Let's wait a little while. She won't be done for an hour or so."

"What we gonna do until it's time?"

"I don't know, what do you think we should do?"

"Um… do you gots any toys from when you was a little boy, daddy?"

"Oh, I don't think so."

"I might have some still," Sharon said. "Pretty sure they're in the attic."

"I'll go help you find them," Dave offered, holding out his hand.

Colton hopped up from the floor and took his hand excitedly, as if he was taking him to the toy store. Ben stared after them then looked up at Lindsay.

"Mama, Budder go?"

"No, why don't you stay here. They'll be back soon."

His bottom lip jutted out slowly and he blinked several times before tipping his head back and letting out a wail. His arms fell slack at his side and tears dribbled down his cheeks, even though his eyes remained open to make sure everyone was watching and feeling bad for the pain he was going through.

"Benjamin, that's enough," Lindsay said sternly, leaning down to speak to him. "You don't need to be carrying on like that."

He continued his weeping, falling to his knees and hiding his face in his hands, knowing he was really in trouble now. He and Colton both knew better than to throw fits like this, especially in public. It was one thing to cry if you were sad, but to keep up this play for attention was something that was not tolerated, and he was very aware of that.

"Benjamin, do you need to have a time out?"

"No!" he hollered, shaking his head before collapsing completely onto the porch, pounding it with his fists and kicking his legs.

"Guess that's my cue," Adam said, standing up and reaching down for his son. Usually whichever parent doled out the first warning was off the hook as far as carrying out the punishment. It showed that they were united in the discipline process and the boys had never tried to pit one parent against the other.

Adam slung Ben over his shoulder, despite the screaming and took him inside. He'd wait until Ben calmed down, then give him a short time-out, and then they would discuss what had happened. Not that Ben could fully comprehend it all, but it was never too young to start being consistent. It would end with a hug and a promise that no matter what, they would always love him. And then it would be over and everyone would be happy again.

"Does that happen often?" Sharon asked, rocking the porch swing slowly with her foot.

"Not too often, but both of the boys are really good at it."

"Adam doesn't like it, does he?"

"He hates it, but he knows it has to be done."

"I'm surprised he does it at all."

"He knows he's not like his father," Lindsay said softly. "He does most of the punishing because he needs to know that he can, but when it gets bad or he's really upset, I do it instead. Luckily that's only happened once or twice."

Sharon was quiet for a while, watching the sprinkler move slowly across the yard.

"Does he talk to you about it very much? What happened?"

"He's told me."

"Everything?"

"Yes."

"I know how much you love Adam, and I know you think I wasn't good enough for him."

"I don't think that," she sighed, remembering a similar conversation with Austin's mother. "There's always going to be a part of me that doesn't understand, and a part of me that may always resent you, and always believe that you could have protected him better."

"I believe that too."

"I just don't get it. I don't know how you can see your child in pain like that and just… not do anything. I mean, if someone was hurting Ben or Colton, they wouldn't see another day. I would do everything I could to protect them. I would kill for them. And I know it's not because you didn't love Adam. I know you loved him, I really do. I just don't understand why you didn't protect him. I don't know why you let him grow up in a nightmare."

"I don't know either, Lindsay. I've been over and over and over it in my head, so many times for so many years. I grew up like that too. I thought it was normal, but I never wanted that life for my son. I don't know why I never got out. I really don't."

"You know, sometimes when the subject comes up, or I see that scar on his head or the one on his knee or when he tells me he feels worthless, I get so mad at you. Sometimes I even hate you. Because I know that if you had gotten out earlier, he wouldn't have those scars and he wouldn't think those things. And I want to blame you as much as I blame his father. But I hate being mad at you because I really do love you. I just… I love Adam more than anything in the world and it kills me that he went through that. I'm so proud of the man he is and how he's overcome what happened, but I still wish more than anything that it wasn't a part of his life. Because he's perfect and wonderful and he didn't deserve that. He didn't do anything to deserve that."

She took a deep breath to fight the tears and the pain that shot through her heart at the thought of Adam being hurt in any way.

"I know he didn't. And he's done nothing since to deserve it either."

"I know," Lindsay echoed, wiping the tears from her eyes.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry I hurt him that much and I'm sorry that it hurts you too."

Lindsay sighed and looked down at her hands, spinning her ring halfway around her finger and back again.

"Is this something you can forgive me for? For not protecting him enough?"

"Yes."

Sharon stood up and moved over to the wicker loveseat, pulling Lindsay into her arms.

"Thank you for loving him so much. Thank you for showing him what that really is."

"I'll always love him. He's never going to get hurt again."

"I know."

"Geez, look at us sitting here blubbering like a bunch of girls," Lindsay chuckled, wiping her eyes again.

"We don't normally do this," Sharon added with a wry chuckle.

"I know, we usually just shop."

They laughed a little together and managed to cover up the heavy conversation before the boys came back through the door.

"Mama, Gigi, lookit all daddy's old toys!" Colton shouted happily. "I gots so much to play with, okay folks? I be here all night."

"What are you going to play with first?" Adam asked, settling a calmer Ben back on the porch next to the large cardboard box.

"Well, I don't know," Colton sighed, looking through the box. "Hey lookit, you had one of them cabbage dolls like mama had too."

"Yeah, I think everyone had one of these."

"This is not very cute, daddy."

"Hey, that's mean. It was my first son."

"You are crazy. I was your first son! This just a doll. You played with a doll, daddy?"

"He was a learning tool and his name was Anthony!"

Lindsay snickered as Ben took the doll and cradled it gently.

"Honey, you do realize that everyone is going to hear about this, right?"

"I don't care. It's why I'm a good father."

"I can't argue with that, can I?" Lindsay asked.

"Nope, I don't think you can," Sharon answered. "Besides, the thing lost its novelty in a week but he would never let me throw it out. I don't think he ever paid as much attention to it as Ben is."

They looked over to see Ben sitting on the ground, holding the doll and singing softly to it, the way he had watched everyone do with the twins. He'd never shown an interest in real babies, but this hadn't just come out of nowhere.

"Daddy, how 'bout this game?" Colton asked, pulling out a box of Slot Cars. "You play with me?"

"Sure. I bet I'm going to win."

"Why are you so nutso, daddy? 'Course, I'm gonna win. I always win!"

* * *

The wind had picked up a little by the time they went to meet Hannah, so the six block journey there wasn't as bad as it could have been. The boys ran ahead, then stopped a few houses away to wait for Lindsay and Adam to catch up. Then they would run off again, Colton jumping over cracks in the sidewalk as he ran, while Ben would slow down and step carefully over them. They both fell a few times, but never cried, just got back up and kept running.

"Ben runs like he's drunk."

"With one arm tucked in and the other out for balance. He kind of looks like the Heisman trophy, but with a diaper on."

Adam chuckled and called out a warning for the boys to stop at the corner and wait. Colton crouched down and grabbed something off the ground, then handed it to Ben who studied it carefully, his mouth hanging open.

"What did you find?"

"It's a rolly-polly bug, mama! She how it is in a circle now?"

"Yeah, I see."

"That's to 'tect itself from predators," he reported. "When it know that Ben not gonna hurt it, it will stretch out to normal. And then it will crawl on his hand."

"No," Ben said, handing the insect back over. "No do that."

"See lookit! It's crawlin' on me now! See Ben, it's not hurtin'. I was just showin' now we put him back and he go on his merry way. Bye rolly-polly!"

He dumped the insect into the grass, then took Adam's hand so they could cross the street. The school bell was just ringing and they waited for a moment while the big wave of kids scattered across the playing field and into the neighborhoods. Colton jumped up and down, looking for Hannah, shrieking suddenly when he spotted her.

"Daddy, it's her, it's my Hannah!"

"I know, I see her."

"Hannah!" he hollered. "Auntie Hannah, it's me!"

She finally spotted them and her face broke into a huge smile as she ran across the grass. Adam caught her in a hug and she giggled as he lifted her off the ground, kissing her cheek.

"What are you doing here?"

"Surprisin' you," Colton reported. "Was it a good surprise? Huh?"

"It was a really good surprise bud," Hannah said, crouching down to hug him. He giggled and wrapped his arms around her neck, holding on even when she stood up.

"Gimme a piggy back ride! Like you did when you come and visit us a'fore?"

"Maybe later. I'm kind of tired right now."

"Well okay. I will just hold your hand instead," he decided, slipping his hand into hers.

Adam took her backpack from her and held Colton's other hand while they headed home.

"Hey Hannah, guess what? Mama got me water wings so I could play in the pool! Also I can almost swim in the deep end now. I don't like going under the water though. And I can't swim real fast."

"That's okay. I don't swim very fast either."

"Could we go swimming when we get back to the house?"

"Maybe. I have to do some homework, but I could swim for a little while."

"I really like this vacation," Colton said, turning to look at Lindsay. "Let's stay here for a long time."


	147. Chapter 147

"Are you boys going to be good for Gigi?" Adam asked, wiping Colton's lunch off his face.

"Yeah, prob'ly."

"What does that mean?"

"Uh, means that maybe I might make a mistake and then if I promised to be good it would be a lie. And then I would be in even more trouble for lyin'."

"How about you promise to try to be good?"

"But Yoda say there is no try."

"That's just for Jedis. You're not a Jedi yet."

"Oh, okay. Then I will try to be good," he said with a nod, wrapping his arms around Adam's neck. "Where are you takin' my mama?"

"On a date."

"But where, daddy? You could tell me, I can keep secrets."

"Nope, I never, ever tell where I'm takin' your mama."

"Is it gonna be romantic?"

"Nah, we don't have time to be romantic."

"But don't you love mama?"

"Well of course I do. That's why I'm taking her on a date."

"But it gots to be romantic if you love her!"

"Okay, it's going to be romantic."

"Good. You gonna kiss her a lot?"

"Depends if she lets me."

"You gonna be back to tuck me in before sleepin'?"

"We'll try."

Colton giggled and rested himself against Adam's shoulder.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, son."

They stayed like that for a second before Colton pulled away.

"Hey Ben, you gonna try to be good for Gigi too?"

"Yep!" Ben agreed, playing with the rest of his lunch while Lindsay came at him with a washcloth. He shook his head back and forth, but she finally managed to wipe the peanut butter off.

"I think it's time for you to have a nap."

"Need efalent," he said, rubbing his eyes and looking around for his sock elephant. "There is."

Lindsay retrieved it from the floor and handed it to him while her phone rang. She looked at the screen and wrinkled her nose, answering as she went into the other room.

"What are you callin' me on my vacation for?" she said before going out of earshot. Adam chuckled and took the lunch plates to the sink where his mom was washing everything.

"So where are you two going?"

"I've got something in mind," Adam answered with a shrug. "She'll like it."

"Would you tell your dad that this old girl would love to go on a date sometime soon?"

"Don't worry mom, your time is coming."

"It is?"

"Yes, and I can't say any more."

She grinned and he slid his arm around her shoulders, kissing her cheek.

"Thanks for watching the boys for us. We haven't gone out in a while."

"My pleasure. It's the grandma's job after all. And I never get to see them so this is a bonus."

"Okay. We won't be too late I hope."

"Take your time. You both need it."

"Thanks," he said, giving her shoulders a squeeze.

"Daddy, is you and mama leaving now?"

"Yeah, as soon as she gets off the phone."

"Who's on the phone?"

"By the way she answered, I am betting it was Danny."

"Oh, do you think he's at home? Maybe I could talk to Isa and Sarah a little?"

"I bet he was at work, but maybe you can talk to the girls tomorrow."

"Okay," he agreed as Lindsay came back into the room. "Mama, was that Danny?"

"Yep."

"What did he say?"

"He wanted to be sure you were getting tickled enough," she teased, picking him up and kissing him.

"Mama, that's a story. Danny did not say that."

"He was just calling about work."

"What about work? Was it good news?"

"Yeah, it was."

"Did he catch a bad guy?"

"Yep, a really bad guy."

"Was it the man that hurt the old police man?"

"How did you know about that?"

"Me and Isa heard you grown ups talking. Did someone go to jail yet?"

"Yeah, someone's going to jail."

"I thought the guy who pulled the trigger died a while ago," Adam said, trying to remember the case from a few months ago.

"He did, but that doesn't mean we can't charge his old cohort with accessory and conspiracy."

"How do you think it will go?"

"I think it will go just fine," she said with a grin.

"Speaking of going, are you ready?"

"Yeah. You boys are going to be good right?"

"Daddy and I discussed this already."

"Oh, okay," Lindsay chuckled, kissing him and setting him back on the ground. "We'll see you later then."

"Have fun bein' romantic!" he said before following Ben into the other room.

Lindsay chuckled while Adam took her hand.

"Let's get out of here."

They said goodbye to his mom and left the house, both breathing in the warm air and just looking at each other for a second before hopping in the car.

"I can't believe we escaped that easily."

"Don't question it, babe."

"Can I question something else?" she asked as he started the car.

"Shoot."

"Where are you taking me?"

"Linds, after seven years, can't you just accept the fact that it's going to be a surprise until we get there?"

"No."

"You are difficult," he sighed, running his fingers over the palm of her hand while she propped her feet up on the dashboard.

"I'm worth it."

"That you are, my dear. That you are."

They spent the rest of the drive talking about nothing, enjoying the fact that they were together and were free from life for a while. They loved every moment they spent with each other, but moments like these, times of their own making were so special and rare that it didn't matter what they were doing.

"You wore good walking shoes, right?"

"You told me to."

"We're going to walk a little bit."

"How much is a little bit?"

"A mile or so."

She nodded as he parked the car in the lot for the botanical gardens.

"We've never done this before."

"First time for everything."

"Adam?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

They spent a few hours meandering around the botanical gardens, letting time get away from them as they soaked in the sun and the calm. By the time they returned to the car they were both in need of water and food and they drove a few miles with the windows down and the radio on before they came to a sushi and steakhouse. It wasn't their normal fare, but it sounded good and it wasn't very busy. They were seated fast and spent several minutes giggling over their menus before placing their order.

"So I wanted to talk to you about something," Adam started, wiping the condensation off his water glass.

"Mysterious. Go on."

"I was looking at our bank accounts, seeing how much we spend each month, where we can cut back, all that."

"Is it bad?"

"No, it's good. All our student loans are paid off and we have a lot more in savings than I thought we did. But our apartment, that's a money sucker. We're paying a lot in rent for a space that's still pretty small and doesn't have a yard or very much privacy. It's a nice place, but I hate that the boys are cooped up in it so much."

"So your solution?"

"Start looking for a house."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I've looked at a couple in what I think might be our price range and I've estimated that if we save up a certain amount every month until the beginning of the summer, we'll have enough to put down that our mortgage payments would be slightly less each month than we're paying in rent."

"How are we going to find a house in the city?"

"There's a lot in Brooklyn right now."

"Brooklyn. We'd be closer to Austin and Danny."

"There's pros and cons to that," he chuckled, reaching across the table for her hand. "I know buying a house is a big deal. But I think we can do it. Especially if we find the right one. Think about it?"

"I'll think. It's kind of scary though. It's a big commitment."

"Yeah, but so was marriage and we're doing that just fine."

"It would be fun to decorate. And it'd be nice to have a yard, even if its just a little one."

"See?"

"We do need more space. The boys can't spend their lives inside."

"No, they can't."

"And we don't really have a place for grandparents to stay when they come to visit either."

"No, we don't."

"It's a good idea and I think it's time. I'm just scared of the finances."

"When we get home I'll show you what I've been working on. It doesn't seem so scary all written out."

"Okay," she agreed with a smile.

"You trust me with that?"

"What, to do the math right? Of course I do. It's why I married you. You can do the taxes."

He grinned and shook his head, wishing they were alone because he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and hold her for a very long time. Instead, he settled for squeezing her hand.

"Do you want to stay in Manhattan or try to find a place in Brooklyn or somewhere else?"

"I like Brooklyn. It sounds right. It's pretty there. And the boys would be happier with more space. I think we should do it."

"We're big kids now, babe," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, we are. You know, we could be about to buy the house that we'll retire in."

"We'll have rocking chairs on the porch."

"It's a deal."

* * *

Their feet left the ground and Lindsay sucked in an apprehensive breath, gripping Adam's arm tightly. He chuckled and removed her hand, instead wrapping his arms around her from behind, trying not to move too much as the hot air balloon rose higher and higher.

"It's perfectly safe," he assured softly, even as her heart pounded.

"I know that."

"Then why are you shaking?"

"Because hot air is the only thing keeping us from plummeting to our death."

"Yes, and bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly either."

She smirked and turned back to look at him, catching his eye just before he swooped down to kiss her.

"Come on, admit this is nice."

"It is, actually. As long as I don't think about it too much."

"Or at all," he said, his voice slightly lower. "Do you see that, babe?"

"See what?"

"All that. Everything out there, as far as you can see."

"Yeah."

"That's how much I love you, Lindsay. As far as you can see in all directions."

She smiled and leaned back against him, closing her eyes for just a moment.

"I love you too, Adam. Forever. Even in my next life, I'll find you."

He twisted a strand of her hair around his finger, then stole another kiss, wishing time could stand still for just a moment so he could look into her eyes and find his world in them. He turned her slightly towards him and a slow smile spread across her face while her hands clasped against the small of his back. He rested his forehead against hers and nuzzled her nose gently while she let out content sigh.

"We're supposed to be looking out there," she commented after a few moments.

"Linds, do we ever look out there?"

"You're better to look at."

"So are you."

"We're disgusting."

He chuckled and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"I really should have thought to get a hotel for the night."

"Adam…"

"What? I should have."

"Now you're going to be thinkin' about it for two more days until we're home."

"And then watch out, lady."

They spent the rest of the ride taking in the scenery and flirting with each other, and for a while, it was almost as if it was new. She slowed down enough to think about how his arms felt around her, how his voice sounded, and the butterflies that still swarmed in her stomach when he whispered her name.

By the time their feet were back on the ground, the sun was setting and they were both ready to fall into bed. They stayed silent the entire drive, then sat quietly in the car once they had arrived. The stars were coming out and they watched them for several minutes, holding hands and taking in the silence.

"Adam?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Thank you for tonight."

"You're welcome."

"We should go in."

He nodded and they went inside, saying hi to his parents before going upstairs to check on the boys. They were sprawled out on the bed together, having kicked the blankets off. Ben was clutching his elephant and his pillow, while Colton was stretched out on his stomach, taking up as much room as he possibly could. Lindsay gently replaced the blanket over them and they both woke up, staring at her for a moment.

"Mama," Ben said, smiling and reaching up for her. She sat down and hugged him, kissing his plump cheek several times until he giggled.

"You guys had fun?" Colton asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah, we did," Adam answered quietly.

"Did you kiss my mama?"

"Yeah, I kissed her a lot."

"I don't know why you do that, daddy. Kissin' is gross."

"How do you know?"

"I kissed Isa to try it out. It was spitty."

"That's because you're not old enough to kiss yet," Lindsay chuckled. "Does anyone else know you kissed her?"

"Just Sarah. She said it was gross and ewwie."

Adam laughed and tucked the blanket tighter around the boys.

"Time for sleep. We'll see you in the morning."

They gave the boys one more snuggle before standing up and leaving the room.

"You goin' to bed?" Adam whispered as they stood in the hallway.

"Yeah. You comin' with me?"

"Yep."

They went into their own bedroom and fought yawns while they changed clothes and brushed their teeth and got in each other's way as much as possible. Finally they climbed into bed, gravitating towards the middle and each other. She slithered up onto his chest and ran her fingers across his skin before kissing his shoulder and sighing.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure," he answered, his hands on her hips and his thumbs stroking over her sides.

"You saved me, Adam."

"What do you mean babe?"

"You saved my life. You didn't know it then and I wasn't really aware of it then either. But when we met, I was really bad off."

He didn't have to ask what she meant, but he held her a little tighter.

"And then we met and we seemed to always be together, and I wasn't so alone any more. You made me laugh. You made the darkness go away. Before you even loved me, before you really knew me, you saved me from myself. You saved my life."

He was quiet, not knowing what to say. He'd had no idea at the time that anything had been wrong, she'd been so happy and full of life, and that's what had attracted him to her initially. He'd never known her struggles at the beginning, never would have guessed.

"Thank you for seeing in me what I thought I had lost. And thank you for always making sure I see it again."

He was so overcome in that moment, with all the things they had been through all that was to come, and he couldn't even begin to sort it all out. His hands drifted up and found hers, lacing their fingers together and pulling her close to kiss her. She returned his fervor, breaking one hand free to run her fingers through his hair as he flipped them over.

"Adam," she breathed as his hand slid under her shirt and scaled up her stomach. He pulled away and looked down at her in the moonlight, dropping his forehead to hers and breathing deeply. She smiled and rubbed his shoulder gently before they moved again, curling up together the same way they did every night.

"Rain check?" she suggested.

"Yes."

She leaned up and kissed him softly, knowing they couldn't, because of their accommodations, take things where they wanted to take them.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too."

"Thank you for saving me."

"You are the most precious thing in my life, babe. You always have been. Thank you for letting me save you."


	148. Chapter 148

Colton sighed and opened his eyes slowly, blinking against the light that came in through the window. He stretched and looked over at his little brother, shaking his shoulder gently.

"Hey Ben, wake up."

"What Cole?" Ben asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Today is my birthday, Ben. I am five."

"Five?"

"Yep. Five years old today. Because it's my birthday. And now I am a whole hand," he said, holding up five fingers and grinning.

"Me?"

"You almost two. In a couple days. But you know what?"

"What?"

"Mama says that after I turn five, I could go to school. Kindergarten! I just gotta wait for Isa to turn five and then the summer and after that, I can go to school."

"I go school."

"No Ben. You too little. But I will learn stuff there and then teach you, okay?"

"Okay."

"Let's go get mama and daddy awake. Then we could have breakfast."

They rolled out of bed, hair sticking up and pajamas rumpled, and trotted into Adam and Lindsay's room, pushing the door open and climbing onto the bed.

"Good morning!" Colton shouted, crawling in between his parents as best he could.

"Morning," they responded in unison, knowing it was too early to be awake, but knowing that their sons would not go back to sleep.

"Hey, don't you have something else to say to me?"

Lindsay chuckled and wrapped her arms around him, kissing his cheeks over and over.

"Happy birthday, Colton."

"Do I look like I'm five yet?" he asked curiously.

"Well, maybe a little," Lindsay sighed, being once again reminded of how his hair was losing its curl and how he was using less and less improper words when he spoke.

"Good. I want to look five. And you know what I was thinkin' of?"

"What?"

"Well today I turn five. Also today is day five in December. Isn't that neato?"

"That is neato," Adam chuckled. "What do you want for your birthday breakfast?"

"I don't know. Ben, what do you want for my birthday breakfast?"

"Waffle! Banana!"

"Yeah, waffles with banana!"

"Okay, waffles it is."

Ben giggled and pushed on Colton, wanting to be snuggled up between their parents too.

"Mama my birthday means the day I was borned, right?"

"Yes."

"So that means that I have been borned for five years?"

"Yep, five whole years."

"Was I a cute baby? Did you love me right away when you saw me? Did I have a big head like Ben?"

"No Cole!" Ben said, clapping his hands down over his head and burying his face in the mattress.

"I'm sorry Ben. I'm not making fun. But you do got a big head, man."

"He doesn't have a big head," Adam defended. "It's just round."

"Oh. Well anyway, are you gonna answer my questions, mama?"

"Yes, you were a cute baby. And daddy and I both loved you right away, even before you were born."

"I was in the hospital for a lot of days, right?"

"Five days."

"Was there other babies in the hospital with me?"

"Yeah, there were a couple in there with you."

"How could you know that I was your baby? Didn't us kids get mixed up in there?"

"No, we knew you were ours."

"How?"

"Well I knew because you looked like daddy. You still look like daddy a lot."

"How did you know I was your son, daddy?"

"Because they told me you were. But also because when you were sleeping you made the same face that your mama makes. And when I held you the first time, I just knew."

"Did you know with Ben too?"

"Well it was different with Ben because he never had to go in a different room with other babies."

"Oh yeah, I remember. We was always your boys, huh?"

"Yep. Always."

"I'm glad we was. I don't want no other mama or daddy."

"Good, because we don't want you to be someone else's kid either. Come on Ben, let's go make breakfast."

Lindsay yawned and snuggled back down into the bed, smiling when Colton reached up to play with her hair.

"What do you want to do today?"

"I don't know. What are we gonna do?"

"Daddy and I thought we would let you decide. You can do anything you want today, within reason."

"Well," he started, tapping his chin. "I really love Ben you know."

"Yeah, I know."

"He's my best brother. But could I have a day with just you and daddy? Sometimes Ben makes us slow down when we have to change his diapers and when he has to take a nap. So I think that even though I love him, I would like to have you and daddy all to myself."

"We might be able to do that."

"I really love Ben though, mama. I really, really do."

"I know."

"Are you mad that I don't want him to be with us today?"

"No, I'm not. It's just like how sometimes no matter how much I love you boys, I just want to be alone with daddy."

"Yep, like that. I didn't know why you said that before, but now I know."

She smiled and brushed his hair back, her breath hitching when he smiled at her. He may have had her eyes, and he may have looked like Adam, but more and more she was seeing a little person emerge. He was someone new and she felt as if she couldn't get enough of him.

"Hey Colton?"

"Yeah, mama?"

"Even when you grow up, will you still be my little boy?"

He giggled at the question, one she asked them a lot, then shook his head.

"No, I will be your grown-up boy. But I will still hug you and kiss you and love you all the time, okay?"

"Okay."

"Could you and daddy take me ice-skating?"

"Ice-skating?"

"Yeah. You know what it is. Isa went with her uncle Louie and I wanna go too."

"Okay, but I have to warn you, I am a very bad ice-skater."

"You are?"

"Daddy took me one time."

"When? I don't remember that."

"It was before you were born. It was the very first Christmas after we got married. We went ice-skating and I fell a lot so he got me some hot chocolate and then he rubbed my feet."

"Well I could get you some hot chocolate, but I will not rub your feet, okay?"

"Okay."

* * *

Ben was more than happy to be left with Austin and the kids for the afternoon and Lindsay could barely kiss him goodbye before he and Junior were off to cause trouble together. He would most probably not even know they were gone.

Colton was nearly jumping up and down with excitement as they rented their skates and sat down on the bench to put them on, and he could barely stop chattering about how much fun they were going to have.

"No babe, you're doing it wrong," Adam chuckled as Lindsay tried to lace the skate. Colton giggled and Lindsay shot him a look while Adam leaned over to lace the skate for her.

"Mama, you weren't jokin' 'bout this huh?"

"No I wasn't," she said as Adam helped her to her feet.

"Well… you don't gotta come. Me and daddy can go and you can watch us," he suggested, a little forlornly.

"Nope, I'm coming," she replied, crouching down to his eye level. "It's your birthday and we're going to have fun no matter how many times I fall on my butt."

He giggled and wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Thank you mama."

"You're welcome. Now daddy, help me up or we'll be here all day."

Adam pulled her to her feet and held onto one of her hands, while helping Colton along with the other.

"You guys ready?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, here we go."

They stepped onto the ice together, glad that it wasn't too crowded. Colton held onto the wall and found his footing fairly quickly, going slow so he could keep his balance. After a moment, he let go of Adam's hand and kept himself steady.

"Look, he's showin' you up, babe," Adam chuckled, twisting around and skating backwards so he could hold Lindsay's hands.

"I'm not even insulted by that. Colton, how do you do that?"

"It's just glidin' mama. Just smooth motions."

She looked down at him and raised her eyebrows, not sure where he had come up with that.

"Yeah, don't you know how to glide Linds?"

"You're not funny," she managed to get out before her legs went out from under her. She hit the ice rather gracefully and Colton let out a hoot of laughter.

"You okay mama?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Adam helped her up and held her close for a second, dropping a kiss onto her forehead before releasing his grip and moving back to just hold her hands. His lead was steady and she managed to gain a little confidence, and coach her legs to moving appropriately. Colton had let go of the wall and was slowly trucking along beside them, concentrating on what he was doing, but looking up occasionally to make a comment, or giggle when Lindsay fell. They made it around the rink twice before Lindsay forfeited and went to sit down. The bench was hard beneath her and her muscles ached in a way she hadn't felt since her short days in the rodeo. She unlaced her skates and traded them for her shoes, then looked over to watch Adam and Colton. They were skating faster than they had been with her and Adam was keeping a close eye on his son so he wouldn't fall. She was surprised how quickly Colton was catching on and she felt a surge of pride as he laughed and sped up to catch Adam. He stumbled a little but caught himself, and they went around the rink a few more times, waving at her every time they passed. She smiled and waved back, remembering five years ago, the first time she had seen them together and how small Colton had been in Adam's arms. They'd been buddies right from the start and her favorite moments in life had been watching them together. She loved how Adam listened to everything Colton said, as if it was the most important thing in the world, and how Colton looked at Adam like he was a superhero. She hoped it would always be this way.

* * *

"This is good hot chocolate," Colton reported, his tongue darting out to lick the whipped cream from his lips. "It has peppermints in it."

"Really? What a bonus!"

Colton giggled and grabbed a French fry, looking it over before he ate it.

"I like this lunch. We should eat here more."

"Would you get the same thing next time?"

"Yep, I would," he said, scooting across the booth and into Lindsay's lap. "How 'bout you, mama?"

"Yeah, maybe. Daddy's hamburger looks pretty good too though."

"What do you want to do now buddy?"

"Could we go get Ben and go home and open presents and have some cake? And maybe I could Skype too."

"Maybe so. Do you want to do anything else before we go home?"

"Nope. I miss Ben now."

"Okay, we'll go home. Do you want to watch a movie later?"

"Yeah! I will find one when we get home. Could I go play in that arcade for a minute?" he asked, looking over at the blacklights and neon signs.

"Yeah, sure. Here's some quarters. Go wild man."

Colton's eyes lit up at the four quarters in his hand and he stared at them for a second before jumping down from the booth and walking the few feet to the arcade.

"How are you doin' mama?" Adam asked, keeping an eye on his son.

"I'm okay."

"Feeling old and nostalgic?"

"Not as much as I thought I would be. I guess I'm still enjoying his growing up so much that I don't miss the baby stage right now."

"I can't believe it's been five years," he said, squeezing her hand.

"I know. I can't wait for the next five."

"And the next?"

"And the ones after that. And I'm glad I get to do this with you."

"Me too, babe."

"Hey lookit what I got!" Colton hollered, running back over to them with a stuffed racecar.

"Hey, how did you get that?"

"I used that claw machine! I saw this in there and I just clawed it and it came out! I'm gonna give it to Ben 'cuz he won't get no presents today and I don't want him to be sad."

"That's really nice of you buddy."

"I know. I'm a nice boy. Can we leave now?"

"Yeah, let me pay the bill and we'll go."

* * *

"Happy birthday Colt!" Isa shouted, running across the room and nearly knocking him over with a hug.

"Thanks Is. I went ice skating and mama fell a lot, and then we went to eat lunch. Did you have fun today?"

"Me and Sarah was just playin' games," she shrugged. "I wanted you to come over with Ben."

"Well I was busy. Where's Sarah?"

"She's reading on the couch. Come on."

They skipped into the other room and Colton hopped onto the couch, wrapping his arms around Sarah.

"Hi Colton," she said with a smile. "I'm readin' a book."

"I know. Is it good?"

"Yeah, it's okay," she said, tossing the Dr. Suess book onto the table. "I don't know what all the letters mean though."

"Me neither. But me and Isa will learn that when we go to school."

"Yeah."

He chuckled and kissed her cheek before climbing off the couch.

"I gotta go now. We're gonna open presents and stuff."

"Okay."

"Mama says we're gonna have family dinner in a couple days and we'll have cake for all us boys birthdays. So we will play then."

The girls both nodded and he smiled, putting his hands into his pockets.

"I really love you girls."

"I love you too Colt."

"Yeah, I love you too, too."

They both hugged him and he went back to the front door where Adam and Lindsay were getting ready to leave. Ben was grumpy and crying against Adam's shoulder, not wanting to leave just yet.

"Bye Austin!"

"Hey wait a minute buddy. You're not going to leave until I get to smooch you."

"Aw man!" he shouted as Austin pulled him into her arms and kissed his cheek.

"Happy birthday, little man," she said, linking her pinkie with his. "I love you."

"I love you too, Austin. Thank you for takin' care of Ben so I could go with mama and daddy."

"You're welcome. I'll see you later."

"Bye!"

* * *

"Ben, I'm givin' you this car because I don't want you to be sad that you don't get to have presents," Colton explained, handing the car over to Ben, who grabbed it and smiled.

"Car!"

"Yep. It's just for you Ben. Do you say thank you?"

Ben nodded happily and squeezed the car.

"Mama! See?"

"I see. Can you say thank you?"

"Sanks Cole."

"You're welcome, Ben. Can we open presents now mama?"

"Yeah we can. Go ahead and sit down while I get them out of their hiding place."

The boys climbed onto the couch and Colton put his arm around Ben.

"What do you want for your birthday Ben?"

"Play."

"Okay. I will play with you for your birthday. Maybe daddy too."

"Maybe daddy too what?" Adam asked suspiciously.

"We will all play on Ben's birthday."

"Oh, yeah, we can do that."

"Ooh, presents!" Colton squealed, jumping off the couch. "Can I open it?"

"Yep, go for it," Lindsay coached. He ripped into the paper and squealed when he saw what it was.

"A marble track, a marble track! You remembered what I wanted!"

"Do you like it?"

"Yes! Can we make it now?"

"It's kind of late to do it tonight, but we can get it out in the morning. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"It glows in the dark."

"Oh man, this is so cool! I will play with this for years and years! Right Ben?"

"Yeah!"

They sat and looked and the box, Colton explaining what was inside and how it worked until they were both yawning.

"I think it's time for bed."

"Oh but mama, we didn't watch a movie yet! Daddy said we could."

"Well… how about if you go get in your jammies and we'll all lay on the pull out and watch a movie."

"That is a compromise I could live with," Colton decided, taking Ben's hand. "C'mon, let's get ready."

"Okay Cole."

They were back in a few minutes in their matching Star Wars pajamas, and they climbed up onto the makeshift bed and fluffed their pillows as if they had done this hundreds of times. Adam put the movie in and they all snuggled down under the old quilt as the animated story started to play. Ben's thumb immediately went into his mouth and he climbed into Adam's lap, sighing a few times before he fell asleep. He hardly ever fought the sleep anymore, especially if someone was there to hold him. Colton stretched out with his head on Lindsay's lap, then reached over to hold her hand. She knew the days were coming when he would reject cuddling with her in favor of falling asleep on his own. She knew that someday he would beg her not to kiss him in front of his friends, or in private either. She knew that someday he would have his own life in his own world, and she wouldn't be his only source of home and safety. She desired all those things for him, but she also dreaded the day when every shred of his little boyness was gone. She so often wanted to pause time, but mostly she just wished it would slow a little bit. She looked down at him, the way his long eyelashes rested on his cheeks, how his fingers curled around hers, how gently he breathed on the cusp of sleep. No matter how big he got or how old he got, he would still be her son and they would always love each other.


	149. Chapter 149

"So, how was the eye doctor?" Adam asked curiously as both boys trudged past him, dropping their coats on the floor and kicking their shoes off.

"Well… it started out okay," Lindsay said, picking up the coats and hanging them by the door. "They both did really good, and Colton was pretty excited about the machine where you have to click the button every time the hot air balloon comes on. Ben was harder to test, but he sat still, so that was good."

"Why are they so grumpy?"

"Well Colton's got perfect vision, which he was pretty proud of. Ben on the other hand is going to need glasses."

"Is it bad?"

"The doctor said his left eye is starting to turn in, which I hadn't noticed, but he says he's farsighted pretty bad. That's probably why it took him so long to talk, he couldn't see our mouths moving unless we were really close. Even about a foot away is kind of fuzzy for him."

"So he's getting glasses soon?"

"Yeah. We tried a few pairs on him and he was less than thrilled until I told him that he could have glasses like uncle Danny. Then he bawled when we had to leave the display glasses there. Colton is upset that he doesn't get to wear glasses like Danny, and they bickered in the back seat all the way home."

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"Did you remind Colton that he could be glasses free like daddy?"

"Yeah. He said he already looks like you enough."

"Ouch."

"Anyway, Ben's glasses will be here in a couple weeks."

"What if he breaks them?"

"I got the most indestructible ones they make, and the doctor said the kids glasses always come with a second pair."

"Well that's good. I am assuming the regular doctor visit was uneventful."

"Basically, except when they discovered the paper on the exam table and ripped it all off before I could stop them."

"Sounds about right."

"They're both healthy though. Colton's a little tall and Ben's a little short, but nothing that's a big deal. He said he thought Ben's speech might be a little lacking, but he was just shy and didn't want to talk today."

"Sorry I couldn't take the day off to go with you."

"Not a problem. Besides, you get to take them clothes shopping tomorrow. That's way worse."

"I know. Quit gloating."

She smiled and looked over at the boys who were playing on opposite sides of the room, stealing glares at each other every few minutes.

"Hey guys, you should probably work on getting in a better mood if we're going to have someone over for dinner."

"Who's comin' over?" Colton grumped. "And why for? Tonight is Thursday, it's Skyping with Taylor night!"

"You can Skype with Taylor still, but don't you want to see uncle Freddy too?"

He shot off the ground and clapped happily, dancing in a circle.

"I love uncle Freddy! He always plays Pull My Finger. It's so funny, mama."

"Yes, I know, that is one of his finer qualities."

"When is he comin'?"

"He'll be here in about an hour, so I need to go get dinner ready. Do you think you two can get rid of the grumpy pants before he gets here?"

"Oh yes, we can. Right Ben? We can be happy boys again huh?"

"Yep," Ben sighed, wiping the back of his hand across his snotty nose. Adam moved in and cleaned it up before he could get it on anything else. "Ick, daddy."

"I know it's ick and that's why I don't want it on your hand."

"Gwasses," he said, pointing to his eyes. "Unca Dan."

"I know. Will you wear them all the time?"

"Yep. Not sleepin'."

"Yeah, you can take them off at night."

"I don't get to have glasses, daddy," Colton sighed.

"Well maybe someday you can have a hearing aid."

"Yeah! That will be cool!"

"Or dentures!"

"Yeah!"

"Or a peg leg."

"Then I could be a pirate for real!" he hollered, punching the air happily. "Then maybe I would get a patch over my eyeball and a parrot on my shoulder!"

"Yeah, maybe you could."

"I will be patient for all that. Now I will just be a regular kid."

"I think mama would appreciate that."

* * *

She'd burned the bread. It didn't happen often, but when it did it really drove her nuts. An entire loaf, wasted. At least the weather had started to warm up a little, the winter snow had melted days ago and she could crack open the windows so the apartment didn't smell so bad. Ben and Colton were running around laughing and holding their noses while Adam scraped the burnt bread out of the pan and into the disposal.

"Why does this always happen to me?"

"Because you've got too much going on. No one has to know about this, okay?"

"Yeah, make sure to keep it a secret since it is such a blow to my ego."

"Bread burner."

"Shut up."

He smiled and drew her into a hug, suddenly realizing that it had been at least three days since they were able to catch a moment together. He held her for several minutes, running his hands up and down her back before he kissed her. She smiled against his lips and slid her arms around his neck.

"Love you."

"Love you too. Even when you burn the bread."

Wrinkling her nose, she slapped his shoulder and turned back to the stove as there was a knock on the door.

"Uncle Freddy's here!" Colton said, running for the door and flinging it open. "Hi! Come inside and play Freddy! Come on, hurry up!"

"Colton, give the man a second to breathe," Lindsay chuckled, even as Freddy knelt down to hug the boys.

He was her father's youngest brother, only fifteen when Lindsay was born and he'd always been her favorite. When she was four and her mom had taken off for a year, Freddy had been there to help take care of her. He taught her how to ride a two wheeler, how to tie her shoes, and had taught himself how to braid her hair just right so it stayed out of her face. They'd spent hours playing with her Easy Bake oven, taking the horses out for a ride, and laying on the porch eating sunflower seeds.

When she'd moved to New York she'd been nervous and not sure she should do it, but one phone call from him had cemented her decision. She remembered those first few weeks, being homesick and uncomfortable at work, not knowing where she fit in. She would come home and find him watching TV and making dinner and he would tease her until she laughed and felt okay again. She was almost as close to him as she was to her brothers and her father and it was a pity that they lived so close and rarely saw each other.

"What's goin' on boys?"

"We were just waitin' for you to get here! Could we play checkers? I think I could beat you this time."

"Yeah, we can play. Benjamin, you want to be on my team?"

"Yay!"

"We'll go get it after dinner."

"Alright," he agreed, returning the boys to the floor. "Hey Peaches."

Lindsay smiled and accepted his hug feeling like a little girl for a moment.

"Why do you call mama Peaches?"

"Because when she was your age all she wanted to eat was peaches and she would cry and cry when we made her eat something else."

"Mama, you were such a weird girl."

"Yeah, but I think it was because I was around uncle Freddy too much."

"More than likely. I smell food."

"Don't be fooled," Adam chuckled. "She burned it."

"Honey don't be a jerk."

They all sat down to dinner and the boys chattered non-stop, telling Freddy stories, some made up and some real. They were so excited to see someone else that they could barely eat their dinner, and after twenty minutes Lindsay had to tell them to quiet down and eat their food. They both sighed and obeyed her, eating as fast as they could because the adult conversation was boring. It didn't take long before they were done and clattering their plastic plates into the sink, then tugging on Freddy until he finally relented and got up from the table.

"Okay, okay I'm coming."

"I'll save your plate," Lindsay chuckled as the boys drug her uncle off into the other room.

"We need to have him over more often. Gets the kids out of our hair."

"Yeah. Did you ever call Tim back today?"

His brother had been leaving messages for two days and he hadn't sounded like he just wanted to chat.

"Yeah. Him and Stacy aren't doing so good."

"Are they separating or something?"

"I don't know. He said she won't talk to him so he doesn't know what's wrong. She said that he works too much and they make a mistake getting married so young."

"Uh-oh."

"I'm going to meet him for lunch tomorrow and see if I can help him figure this out. He thought that maybe you could talk to Stacy sometime."

"I don't know. I can try. We haven't talked in a while."

"I'll see what Tim thinks. I hope it's just a rough patch and they can work it out."

"Me too. They seem so together."

He nodded and reached across the table for her hand.

"Have you ever worried about that happening to us?"

She sighed and nodded a little.

"Not worried like it was possible, but I have worried that I'll screw up. And then I think about how much it would take to that to happen and I just… it's impossible."

"I think so too."

"Mama, come in here and help me! Freddy's gonna beat me at checkers!"

"I'll be back," she said, standing from the chair and going into the other room. Freddy was on the couch with Ben on his lap while Colton sat on the other side of the coffee table, concentrating hard on the checker board.

"Mama help! If I go here, he will jump me! If I go here he could be a king! What do I do? I don't want to sacrifice a man!"

"Well it's a good thing this isn't like chess bud. Sometimes sacrificing a man isn't the best choice. Now let's see what we can do here."

"It's hopeless, mama."

"No, it's not hopeless. Look right here. You've got a double jump just waiting for you."

"A double jump! I didn't even see it! I got you now Freddy!"

He jumped the red piece over two black pieces in succession, then clapped his hands and took the jumped pieces off the board.

"Ah, I'm wounded," Freddy said dramatically, falling back onto the couch.

"Hey!" Ben said, patting his face. "Wakey!

Freddy roared and sat up, catching Ben before he toppled to the floor.

"Again, again!" the boys chorused, laughing with bright eyes.

"Wait, don't you want to see who wins checkers?"

"Nope, be a monster!"

"I'm too old for that."

"Oh come on!"

"Give him the puppy face Colton," Lindsay said with a grin. "That's right."

"Did you teach him that?"

"Yes I did."

Freddy shot her a look and gave in, crawling onto the floor and roaring at the boys. They squealed delightedly and ran around the room, trying to get away from him but also wanting to be caught. They seemed to have unending energy, and it wasn't long before Freddy sprawled out on the floor, too tired to continue.

"Too much for the old man?" Lindsay teased, poking his ribs with her foot.

"Yep."

She chuckled and he sat up, breathing heavily.

"You were never like this."

"I'm a girl."

"I mean, you were crazy, but never like this."

"You were stayin' with us for free. You had to earn your keep."

"You were a pretty cool sidekick. Every time I took you to town that little grin of yours got me a couple numbers."

"You used me to pick up girls?"

"They were women, Peaches. Women."

"Did my daddy know you were doin' that?"

"'Course he did. Karma came back to bite me, it's how I met Kathy."

"My innate adorableness is the reason you met your ex-wife. Great. Do you know how hard it's going to be for me to be adorable now?"

"You have the Midas touch. But I guess it's alright, she's still my best friend even if I can't live with her."

"You guys are weird."

"Oh well. Monroe's have never been much for normal."

"As evidenced by the way you taught me to swim."

"You learned quick and you didn't drown."

"Yeah but I didn't set foot in the water for years after that."

"I only scarred you because I love you."

"Yeah, you were pretty cool. I always felt so special because I got to hang out with you all the time and the boys didn't."

"You know, despite the circumstances, when they ask if you could go back and relive a part of your life, that year is always it for me."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We had fun, didn't we?"

"Yep. Probably too much."

"Hey, that was the best slingshot I ever crafted."

"I know, and I still get sad thinking about how dad broke it over his knee when I mis-shot one too many times."

"If you had just let me teach you."

"If I had let you teach me I still wouldn't know how to shoot."

"Such sass."

"Now that is what I let you teach me."

* * *

The next few weeks passed slowly for Ben and he wondered if the day would ever come that he could get his glasses. He didn't understand when they told him it was just a few more days, and he didn't understand why he couldn't have them now. He wondered if he would look older with them, as grown up as uncle Danny did.

Finally it was time and he was so excited that he could barely sit still as Lindsay buckled him into his seat.

"Ben, you is gonna look cool I think," Colton said, having had a change of heart about the whole matter. "You will look like Smarty Arty Orange on the Squeez-It bottles."

"Smarty?" Ben asked curiously.

"Yeah. Like you got lotsa brains and know lots of stuff. Like how daddy and mama are smarties about science."

"Oh."

Lindsay chuckled and watched them in the rearview mirror as they slipped into a different conversation, and she wondered if Colton understood what Ben meant with his two word sentences, or if he just guessed and Ben went along with it. It was a short drive to the optometrists office and she hauled them both out of the car, taking their hands and going inside.

"Here for gwasses!" Ben said as they approached the front counter.

"You must be Benjamin. Dr. Richardson is waiting for you right in there."

Ben grinned and looked up at Lindsay, tugging on her hand.

"Colton, you want to stay out here and play with the toys in the waiting room or do you want to come with us?"

"Um, I want to come with you."

They went into the other room and Ben climbed up into the chair without being asked, sitting back and folding his hands in his lap.

"Alright, are you ready to try these on?" Dr. Richardson asked, opening the shipping box. Ben nodded enthusiastically and his feet wiggled in anticipation as the doctor slipped the glasses on him.

"Looks like a pretty good fit. How do they feel buddy?"

"Good!" he giggled, catching his reflection in the mirror. "Ben! Mama, I Ben!"

"I know," she said with a smile, watching how his eyes lit up behind the silver frames.

"Hey Cole!"

"Hi Ben," Colton giggled. "You can see better now, huh?"

"Yep."

The doctor did a few more adjustments on the glasses, making sure they were sitting comfortably, then gave them the extra frames and some cleaning spray. They went back out to the front desk to make sure the bill was paid and Ben spent the time looking intently at things. He could see a lot higher up now, not just things that were right in his face. There were so many things he had never noticed before.

"Ben," Lindsay started, holding out her hand. He turned and looked at her over his shoulder, bottom lip sucked in and brown eyes round with curiosity. She smiled and reached out to run a finger over his cheek, loving how happy he looked.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep! Daddy?"

"Yeah, we're going to go meet daddy at work."

He slipped his hand into hers and they made their way to the car and through rush hour traffic to the lab. The boys were always excited to visit and had to be constantly reminded to be quiet and not run around. Lindsay held their hands tightly as they walked down the hall, making a game of peeking into rooms looking for daddy.

"I spied with my little eye, someone that is my daddy!" Colton said, breaking away from Lindsay and running across the hall to the conference room. Adam was just coming out and he stooped down to gather the boys in his arms.

"Wow Ben, nice glasses. Did you pick them out?"

"No. Mama."

"Well mama did a good job. Do you like them?"

"Yep."

"He looks pretty cool, right daddy?"

"Yeah, he does look pretty cool."

"Hey boys," Jo greeted as she came out the door. "Wow, who's this smart lookin' guy?"

"I Ben!" he giggled, shaking his head and knowing that she was teasing.

"You look so grown up."

"Yep. Uncle Dan."

"I guess it does make you look like Danny," she conceded, crouching down to look at him. He smiled and reached out to hug her, giggling when she tickled him.

"You boys need to come visit more often."

"I like comin' to the lab," Colton said with a sigh. "But mama's afraid we're gonna cause too much ruckus."

"Well, you two are a lot like your daddy."

"Hey!"

Lindsay smiled as Adam wrapped an arm around her shoulder and they each held a hand out for the boys.

"Time to go home kids. Say bye to Jo."

Both boys hugged her and kissed her cheeks, promising to see her again soon. They begged her to baby-sit and she promised that she would do it as soon as she could. The boys each gave her a final hug, then took their parents hands, and the little family of four ventured out into the night.


	150. Chapter 150

"Colton, will you go ask mama if she knows where the screwdriver is?" Adam asked, looking closely at a toy that the boys didn't want to play with anymore. It was still in good shape and he figured he could box it up and donate it, but he'd have to take it apart first.

"Mama!" Colton hollered, running into the hallway and meeting Lindsay as she was coming out of the bathroom.

"What?"

"Daddy needs a screwdriver."

"Go ask him if he needs a Phillips or a flathead."

"Daddy!"

"What?"

"Mama says if you need a Phillip or flat one."

"Tell her I need a Phillips."

"Mama!"

"What?"

Colton was slightly winded by now, but excited to be charged with the task of messenger.

"Daddy said a Phillip one."

"Go tell him it's going to take me a while to find it and ask him if he could use a flathead anyway."

"Daddy!"

"Yeah?"

Colton stopped for a moment, leaning against the wall and taking a breath before starting again.

"She said it will be a while to find, but if you could use the flat kind anyway."

"Tell her no and how dare she make me wait."

"Ben, you come help me remember."

Ben jumped up off the floor where he had been playing with the cardboard box, and followed his brother out into the kitchen where Lindsay was sorting through the junk drawer.

"He said no and how dare you make him wait."

"You go tell your daddy to stop being so picky and learn to plan ahead before he does a project."

"C'mon Ben, 'fore I forget."

They tromped back into the bedroom where Adam was disassembling the rest of the toy.

"Mama said… mama said… Ben, what did mama say?"

Ben shrugged his shoulders and shook his head.

"Oh yeah! Mama say you stop bein' picky and plan ahead now."

Adam chuckled.

"You go tell mama she's being snotty."

Colton took off again and Ben plopped down on the floor, pushing his glasses up before inspecting the box again.

"You didn't want to relay messages because me and mama are too lazy to talk to each other?"

"Yeah," he sighed, laying back on the floor and rolling over to pick up a book.

"Daddy, mama says she's not bein' snotty, you are just bein' um… in… um… incorrigible."

"Go tell her I don't know the meaning of the word."

He was off again and Ben giggled.

"What's so funny Ben Ry?"

"Cole runnin'."

"You think your brother runs funny?"

Ben nodded and pushed his glasses up again, being careful not to smudge them.

"Mama said that she gots a bun in her oven and it's all your fault," Colton reported, one hand on his hip.

"She has what?"

"A bun in her oven. 'Cept I don't know what that means because she's not cookin' nothin', but that's what she said."

Adam sat there for a second, not quite sure what to say. It was April first, but he was almost certain that she wouldn't trick him with something like this.

"Babe," he started, standing up from the floor and going into the kitchen. The look on her face as she leaned against the counter was enough to let him know that not only was this not a joke, it wasn't even a "maybe, maybe not" kind of thing. She nodded slowly and a grin cracked across her face.

"Are you… I mean… for real?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm… yeah."

They just stared at each other for a second before he started laughing and pulled her into his arms.

"When did you find out?"

"A minute or two ago. I was pretty sure when I spent the entire morning puking my guts out, but I figured taking a leak on a stick wouldn't hurt."

He didn't know what else to say and she was pretty in speechless herself, so they both just stood there silently for a while. Finally she couldn't hold it in anymore, and burst into laughter.

"What?"

"I wasn't expecting this. We went from talking about a baby to talking about a house and I just wasn't thinking about it at all. I'm a little surprised."

"Well you shouldn't be that surprised babe. After all, you're the one who kept forgetting to go to the store."

He cleared his throat pointedly and she laughed, not even bothering to argue that he could have gone to the store too. It really didn't matter at this point.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked suddenly, slipping into protective mode, his hand reaching up to her forehead, even though there was no reason to be checking her temperature.

"Yeah, I feel fine."

"Do you want to sit down?"

"Adam."

"Sorry. I kind of forgot how this all goes. I know we talked about more but… it was kind of in the back of my head that we were done."

"I know. But now it feels like there was something missing before."

He brushed her hair back and kissed her, completely overwhelmed at something he hadn't been expecting.

"I love you, Linds."

"I love you too."

"Hey, what's goin' on in here?" Colton asked, crossing his arms over his chest. "I thought I was going to be givin' the messages! How come you came in here, daddy?"

"Mama and I are just really, really happy right now."

"Why?"

"Because we're very lucky people, that's all."

"Ben come out here! Mama and daddy is huggin' without us."

Ben ran into the room, his cheeks jiggling with the movement, and crashed into Adam's legs with a laugh.

"Yay! Happy!"

"Yeah," Lindsay said with a smile. "Very, very happy."

* * *

"Thanks for taking the morning off," Lindsay sighed as they left the doctor's office a few days later. "I know it was a lot of just sitting there."

"Yeah, but I want to be there for all of it. I was last time and the time before. Besides, it's kind of thrilling to hear a doctor confirm it."

"Yeah, it is."

He took her hand and they walked slowly back home glad Faye had offered to take the boys for the morning. They had passed it off saying they had errands to run, as they weren't sure when they were going to tell people.

"So remember that appointment with the realtor?"

"Yes."

"I'm kind of getting a little antsy."

"Antsy?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because now we really, really need to move. And I get all… well you know how I get. I'm just worried that we won't find anything or we'll be moving when I'm nine months pregnant and ready to just burn everything we own and start over."

"Well then let's hope we find something."

"That's it? That's all the reassurance you're giving me?"

"Yep."

"You're mean," she grumped, leaning against him as they walked.

"You're gorgeous."

She giggled and looked down at the sidewalk.

"Wonder how long it will be before I can't see my feet."

"Never if you got clown shoes."

"Why are you the way you are?"

"If I changed you wouldn't love me as much."

"Maybe."

"And that nausea you've been ignoring all morning has finally gotten the best of you."

"I need to go home."

"I'll still love you if you puke in a garbage can."

"I've done it before. Austin held my hair. We bonded."

"You think she's going to get pregnant this time too? Like how you always PMS at the same time?"

"Nah, I don't think so."

"December seems really far away."

"It's going to be a pretty busy month for us. Three birthdays and Christmas."

"I know. We'll spend the rest of the year recovering."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Me neither."

"So do you want a boy or a girl?"

"Either. A girl would be a nice change, but I like having boys. And you would get to keep being the queen of the house."

"I can see that being good."

"What do you want?"

"I don't care. I would love to have a girl someday, but if we don't have one, I don't care. I've got Isa and Sarah to dress in frilly clothes."

"I love when you're pregnant."

"Oh really? And why is that? Besides the inevitable infant I mean."

"You're really glowy. I don't know, there's just something about you."

"You know what?"

"Hmm?"

"You're a little glowy when I'm pregnant too."

"We men call it a high gloss."

"Okay, so you're pretty glossy."

"Do you want to wait a while longer before we tell people?"

"I want to tell Austin and Danny but wait with everyone else."

"Until you're showing like we did the last times?"

"Yeah. I'm comfortable with that."

He smiled and stopped walking, drawing her into his arms and holding her tight.

"Thanks for being fertile hon."

"You're welcome."

They sauntered the rest of the way home, as the fresh air was helping to lessen her morning sickness. They boys were playing quietly when they got home and Faye headed off to do errands of her own. Lindsay sat down on the couch, feeling slightly dizzy, but grinning when Ben jumped up into her lap.

"Hey Benners. Did you miss me?"

"Miss mama. Play."

"Did you have fun playing?"

"Yeah."

"Hey honey, should we tell them?"

"Yeah, we might as well."

"Tell us what? Tell us what daddy?" Colton asked, hopping from one foot to the other, then crawling into Adam's lap.

"Well sometime around your next birthdays, something really exciting is going to happen."

"What is it? I can't wait! What's going to happen?"

"I know it's a long time to wait for it, but it will go by pretty fast."

"What is going to happen?" Colton asked again, getting frustrated by Adam's evasiveness.

"We're going to have a new baby in the family."

Ben just stared at them, his brow furrowing in confusion. He was happy that they were happy, but he really didn't understand why.

"Another baby? You mean I will have another brother?"

"Or a sister."

"A sister? It might be a sister?"

"Yeah. We won't know for a while but-"

Colton whooped and jumped off the couch, running around the room as if nothing more amazing had ever been revealed to him.

"I am so excited!" he hollered. "I don't know what to even do! I gotta tell somebody!"

"We're not going to tell anybody just yet, okay?"

"Okay, but I really want to. Mama, I am _thrilled_."

* * *

"Okay, if you kids are just going to play with your food, it might be time to be done eating," Austin sighed, doing the best she could to remove the mashed potatoes from Junior's hair.

"Okay, we're gonna play!"

Within seconds the table had been vacated of all children, and a deafening silence filled their places.

"Why do they lose all sense of manners around each other?"

"Linds, do they actually have manners?"

"Well, I guess not. They more closely resemble co-eds on spring break at times."

"Linds, did you ever go on spring break?"

"Well," she started, not able to look her best friend in the eye. "Not in the traditional sense."

"What's a hick version of spring break?" Danny asked, getting ready to tease her mercilessly.

"We went to Idaho."

"You did what?"

"We went to Idaho, okay?"

"But… what did you even do there?"

"Kind of… nothing. We just went to see one of our friends who went to college there and we went hiking and ate and drive-ins and went downtown and watched the cruise, but it was pretty tame."

"I did spring break one year," Adam confessed. "It took us two days to get to Florida and two days to get back and the two days that we were there we pretty much laid on the beach and slept. I didn't have any desire to go back."

"Guess I didn't miss anything," Austin shrugged. "You two and your college lives. Was it really as fun as it looks on TV?"

"Yeah, but not as wild. There's a lot more studying and all nighters with flashcards than there is study dates and all nighters with flashers."

"Hey, that was kinda poetic babe."

"Yeah, I thought so too."

Austin snickered and Danny shook his head.

"You two are ridiculous."

"Yes, well so are you."

"Speaking of which, did you two find a house yet?"

Adam and Lindsay exchanged a look and a smile.

"We've got a couple on our list, but we haven't made any offers yet. We can't quite agree."

"Are you going to put it on hold for a while?"

"No, we need to find something. Pretty quick too."

"Why- wait. Linds, are you… you are!"

"Yep."

"Wait, she's what?"

"Pregnant, Danny. Get with the program."

"Are you really?" he asked his eyes growing wide as he looked at her.

"Yep. Got a doctor's note and everything," she teased.

Congratulations were said and Austin held back happy tears, even though it was so unlike her to cry at all. They all talked about what it would be like with another kid running around at family dinners and how they were excited to see how this new child would fit in, what place he or she would hold in the family.

Adam and Danny got up after a while, gathering the dishes and taking them to the sink while the girls went into the other room and sat on the couch.

"How long have you known?"

"Just a few days. We went to the doctor yesterday to double check but…"

"I can't believe it," Austin grinned, tucking her legs underneath her.

"Me neither. I just keep thinking about what it's going to be like and I can't wait."

"Is Adam excited?"

"For the most part. Last night we were laying in bed and all the sudden he's like "Babe, I only have two hands! How am I supposed to hold three kids?" It took me twenty minutes to convince him that it will be fine and no one is going to die."

"Danny can give him some tips too."

"Yeah, once I mentioned that he seemed to simmer down a bit."

"I know there's not much there yet but… can I touch it?"

Lindsay snorted.

"Yeah, go ahead."

Austin moved over and put her hand on Lindsay's stomach.

"I can't even believe there's a kid in there."

"I know. Remember when we were pregnant with the boys and if we stood close enough they would start kicking at each other?"

"Inseparable even from the start. Did you tell Ben and Colton yet?"

"Yeah. Ben was indifferent. I think he'll understand once I balloon out some more. I've never seen Colton more excited about anything. He didn't even sleep last night. He kept coming into our room and asking questions and how many more days it would be and if he could hold the baby first and if we could be sure to have a girl."

"You need a girl. Though I can see you with all boys too."

"I don't even care. Healthy is all I want."

They lapsed into silence for a while, just sitting together as they found themselves doing more and more, not needing very many words.

"I'm going to do better this time," Austin whispered finally.

"What do you mean?"

"You've always been there for me when I was pregnant. Especially the first time, you called to check on me and you brought us food and you listened to me when I was scared. And then with Sarah you did the same thing, and you took care of Isa for me when I was sick and couldn't get out of bed. You were always there. And I never did that for you."

"Austin."

"No, I'm serious. You were pregnant with Colton and I was in California for months. I didn't throw you a baby shower, I didn't cry over ultrasound pictures with you, I didn't help you find his first outfit. None of that. I've always regretted that I missed so much. I'm going to make it up to both of us this time though, I swear."

"You don't have anything to make up to me Aust. Nothing. Life was the way it was. You came home. That's all that matters."

"Well if I have nothing to make up to you, can I at least make stuff up to me?"

"Okay. But when I can't sleep and I have weird cravings and I'm fat and bloated and don't want to be pregnant anymore, you're going to be the one to hear about it."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

They giggled together and Lindsay ran her hand over her stomach, completely taken with the life growing inside, and desperately looking forward to the coming months.


	151. Chapter 151

"Mama?"

Lindsay opened her eyes just a little, groaning at the light and the movement. It felt like the worst hangover ever and her ears even seemed to be ringing. The morning sickness was fierce this time, only breaking enough that she could go to work and even then she would barely make it through a shift before she needed to be sick again. Danny was doing a good job covering for her as they still hadn't told anyone, but she didn't really want this to continue much longer. She knew she needed to be gaining weight, but her body was working overtime to fight that.

"Mama, you okay?" Colton whispered, brushing her hair back from her face.

"I'm okay honey."

"Your tummy is sick from the bun in the oven again?"

"Yeah."

"That baby in there should really try to cool it."

She gave a half laugh as his cool hands grazed over her face.

"Do you need something to drink?"

"No sweetie, I'll be fine."

"But you were throwing up, mama. Daddy always says you have to have a drink so you don't get a'hydrated."

"Dehydrated," she corrected. "Okay, you can bring me some water from the fridge."

He smiled and kissed her cheek before scampering off in search of water. Ben shuffled over to her and patted her stomach, then rested his head on her chest.

"Love you, mama."

"I love you too, Ben."

"Here you go, mama. It's very cold water."

"Thank you."

He unscrewed the cap and gave it to her, raising his eyebrows until she took a sip.

"Feelin' better now?"

"A little bit," she said, even as her stomach started to churn.

"Mama?" he asked warily as the color drained from her face and she jumped up from the couch and went into the bathroom. He could hear her getting sick and his heart started to pound. He really thought the water would make her better, but it seemed to have made it worse. He and Ben looked at each other for a moment, both worried about their mama and if she would ever get better. They had to take care of her, they just didn't know how. Desperately, Colton searched for Lindsay's cell phone, finally finding it on the coffee table, under a magazine. He wasn't supposed to use the phone unless he had asked or it was an emergency, but he knew how to use it and this seemed like a scary situation anyway. Sighing deeply, he pressed the number one and the star key, then waited for the call to go through.

"Hey."

"Daddy?"

"Colton. What's the matter? Why are you using mama's phone?"

"She's really sick, daddy!" he said, panic in his voice. "She threw up and then I gave her water to feel better but then she threw up again! I made her even more sick and I can't make it better! I'm a bad doctor daddy. Just bad!"

"No you're not, buddy. You're not a bad doctor. Mama's just sick and it's going to be a while before she really feels better. The water is good for her, her tummy just has to start wanting it."

"She is still throwing up, daddy. And coughing a lot. It makes me so sad."

"I know. It makes me sad too."

"How do I help her?"

"You and Ben just be good, okay? I'll be home in a few hours, maybe you can watch a movie until then."

"I wish this baby didn't make mama so sick. Is it a bad baby or something?"

"No, it's not. Hey buddy, I gotta go, but if you need to call me later you can do that, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

"Thanks for being such a good boy and taking care of your mama."

"You're welcome."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

They hung up the phone and Colton turned to Ben with a sigh.

"There's nothin' we can do to help mama. Daddy say we should watch a movie."

"Okay."

They found a DVD without much arguing and put it into the player, sitting back while it started and Lindsay staggered out of the bathroom and back to the couch.

"Did you get all the throw up out of you mama?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Do you feel better?"

"A little bit."

"I called daddy because I was worried about you," he confessed, looking down at his feet.

"Thank you for worrying about me, honey, but I'm going to be fine. This is normal when you're first pregnant."

"Really? Why?"

"Because growing a baby in your belly is really hard work."

"Is that why you love me and Ben so much, cuz you had to work hard for us?"

"Yeah."

"So bein' sick isn't so bad."

"No, not this kind of sick."

"Did you get sick a lot when I was in your tummy?"

"At first I did, but then it went away."

"How about when Ben was in your tummy?"

"I wasn't sick as much but I was really, really tired."

"Maybe this baby should grow really fast so you don't have to be so sick."

"No, it's okay honey. Don't worry about me. I'm tough."

"Okay mama."

The computer beeped, interrupting their conversation and he raced over to it, climbing into the chair and squealing excitedly.

"Mama, it's Taylor! And maybe Josh too! They're calling us."

"Go ahead and answer bud."

He clicked on the green button happily, almost forgetting his earlier anxiety.

"Hi Taylor!"

"Hey buckaroo."

"Is Josh there also?"

"No, he's at work."

"Oh. What are you doing today?"

"A little bit of a lot of stuff. What are you doing?"

"Well mama doesn't feel good," he started, careful not to say anything about the baby. "And me and Ben are just watching a movie until daddy gets home. I played Lincoln Logs before and we made a cabin and even it had a chimney on it."

"It did? Wow, that's some real talent you've got there."

"Yep, I teached myself how. I will show you someday."

"I'll be waiting for that. What else have you been up to?"

"Nothing. But mama got me some school books and I can write my name and Ben's name and Isa and Sarah and Junior too. And I can write all the numbers. Daddy says I just need to learn zero to nine because all the rest of the numbers are made up of those ones. And a zero is like an O and a one is like a little L so that's kind of cheating but mama says I'm doing so good to think of that."

"Do you think you're doing good enough to write me a letter soon?"

"On paper? Like in the movies?"

"Yeah."

"Yes! I could write you a really long letter. As long as I just can talk about me and Ben and Isa and Sarah and Junior."

"It sounds like a good letter already."

"Yeah. I will start it as soon as I can get some pretty paper. Do you want to talk to mama?"

"Yes please."

"Okay. I will see you later."

They blew each other kisses and he hopped of the chair so Lindsay could use it.

"Hey kid."

"Hey Lindsay. No offense but you look awful."

"Yeah, feelin' the love."

"I've got something to tell you."

"I have something to tell you too," Lindsay said with a grin. "But it's a secret."

"You go first."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. It's a secret after all."

"Okay. Are you ready for this?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

"This had better be good, Linds."

"I'm pregnant."

"Oh, that is good! How pregnant? And why is it a secret?"

"Eight weeks. And we're just not really in the business of telling people."

"So what, you're going to wait until the kid is graduating from high school?"

"No. We're just not telling the grandparents at least until after the ultrasound and we're not telling the co-workers until I start to show."

"But why?"

"I don't know. That's just how we've always done it."

"When are you due?"

"Colton's birthday. We'll see how that goes."

"You guys reproduce on a pretty consistent time table. Every third December."

"Yeah, we're cool like that. So what's your news?"

"Well… Josh and I have been together for a year and a half now, and we went on a date last night."

"Uh-huh," Lindsay said, nodding her head, certain of where this was going.

"We went out to dinner and then up to the point when the stars came out. And we were there for a while and then it started to get cold, so we stood up to leave. And then he said he thought he had a rock in his shoe and when I turned around he had this ring and he was just sitting there with this look on his face and then he asked me to marry him and I said yes and the wedding is in September and you have to fit into a bridesmaids dress, okay?"

"Okay, but give me a second to simultaneously cry and laugh."

"Do you think it's too soon?"

"Too soon? Of course not. You've been together for a while now, he makes you happy, you have love in your eyes. Why, do you think it's too soon?"

"No. I was just worried about what you were going to think because you've never met him for real and… I just… I don't know."

"Darling, I'm going to give you a little tip about falling in love. Very rarely does it matter what anyone else thinks."

"And this is coming from the woman who can't help butting in to everyone's lives."

"Okay so maybe sometimes it does matter what other people think, meaning it matters what I think and I think it's amazing so it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks."

"You've got pregnancy tongue again."

Lindsay grinned, wishing they were in the same room so she could wrap Taylor in a huge hug instead of just talking to her through a computer screen.

"Do you think you can make it out here in September? Josh said he doesn't care when we do it and all I need is for you to be there."

"I'll be there, sweetie. I promise. Nothing in the world will stop me unless they put me on bedrest or if I would have to be gone on Colton's first day of school but even then I'll find a way. I don't know if Adam and the boys will be able to come but we'll try."

"Okay."

"Do you have much planned yet?"

"Your mom is making my dress and your dad is walking me down the aisle."

"Really?"

"Yeah. They were waiting for me when I got home last night. Josh told them what he was going to do and they stayed up until I got home. Your mom bawled and your dad couldn't stop smiling."

"They love you."

"I know."

"Just a warning though. When dad walks you down the aisle he's going to be a little nervous and he'll probably hold your arm really tight and he might leave a bruise, but it won't be on purpose."

"Speaking from experience?"

"Adam asked me about twelve times what exactly went on at my bachelorette party."

"He didn't believe that we just drove around town aimlessly before watching old movies and eating junk?"

"Nope. He still doesn't believe that."

"Maybe you should ask him just what he was up to on his last night as a free man."

"Turning the tables. Nice. You're going to make a wonderful wife, sweetie."

"I hope so. I gotta go."

"Alright. Congratulations honey. I love you."

"I love you too. Call me after your ultrasound?"

"Definitely. Boys, say bye to Taylor."

"Bye!" they shouted, waving frantically and blowing kisses.

"Talk to you later, kid."

"Bye."

They closed the call and Lindsay sighed, glad the happy feeling was stronger than the nausea for a while. Gingerly, she climbed back onto the couch and laid down, closing her eyes. Just a little rest and she would be fine.

* * *

"Hey. Upchuck McSnazzy Pants."

"Adam don't be cute."

He grinned and brushed her hair back from her face, checking her temperature while he did so. He'd been wondering all day if this was actually the flu with really ironic timing. She'd been weaned off her anti-anxiety medications months ago, so he knew it wasn't the effects of that. But this sickness just seemed so much worse than it had been with the boys. He was starting to worry that something was really wrong.

"Are you feeling better?"

"No."

"Not even a little?"

"No."

"Can I get you anything?"

"No."

"Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

"No."

"Is no the only word in your vocabulary today?"

"No."

He chuckled while she rolled onto her side, wrapping her arms around her stomach and closing her eyes again.

"Have you kept anything down today?"

"No."

He took her hand and checked her skin for dehydration, finding that she was okay.

"Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Do we need to go to the hospital?"

"I'll be fine."

"Can you sit up without getting sick?"

"Sometimes."

"If you go another day like this I'm taking you to the doctor."

"What's the doctor going to do, Adam? Tell me to drink flat 7-Up and eat crackers? Been there. Barfed up that."

"Maybe there's something you could take."

"Like Nauzene? Are you forgetting what that did to me last time?"

"Yes, I was forgetting. Maybe there's something else you can try."

"Can you just let me be sick?" she asked, keeping her eyes shut tightly. "I don't want to move and I don't want to think. Can you just leave me alone?"

"Linds."

"I'm sorry," she sighed, fighting back tears. "I just don't know what to do right now."

"It's alright sweetheart."

"I don't want to be sick anymore. I feel like I'm doing something wrong and I know I'm not, but that doesn't make it easier."

"I know."

"I have to eat something. I have to keep it down, I just don't know how."

"Keep trying I guess," he suggested, reaching over to rub her back.

"My poor teeth."

"What?"

"Between puking and brushing them constantly, they're taking quite a beating."

He chuckled and leaned down to kiss her forehead gently.

"You're amazing honey, do you know that?"

"I do my best."

"Why don't you go in the bedroom and lay down. It's comfortable and quiet and dark in there. I'll take over the parenting duties for the rest of the night. I'll even stick a trash can by the bed so you don't have to get up."

"Okay."

"Want me to carry you?"

"I would never refuse an offer for the Cleopatra treatment."

"Um, honey… Cleopatra?"

"I mean just the carrying aspect. Also if you wanted to feed me grapes sometime."

Shaking his head in amusement, he lifted her slowly off the couch.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Gonna puke on me?"

"Nope."

He took her into the bedroom and made sure she was comfortable in the bed, then brought her a trashcan, a glass of water, and her cell phone.

"Need anything else?"

"When the boys go to bed you'll come in here and cuddle me, right?"

"When do I not? Speaking of the boys, where are they?"

"Sent to their room. We were having an issue."

"What kind of issue."

"Jumping on mama."

"You're such a good sport."

"They've been in there a while. You might want to release the hounds."

"I will. Get some rest."

* * *

It was several hours before she woke up again, and this time she actually felt refreshed. She was thirsty and needed to stretch, but she was scared to move for fear that the nausea might come back. Adam was snoring gently next to her, one arm thrown around her middle while his breath grazed over her neck. She yawned and he stirred but didn't wake up, and for a moment she just watched him sleep. She ran a hand slowly over his face, taking in every bit of it and how it looked in the moonlight; the color of his skin, the slope of his nose, the way his lips were parted as he breathed. She moved her hand down his chest, feeling the warm softness of his skin and his heart beating steadily before she grazed over his shoulder and down his arm to join his hand that rested on her stomach. She threaded their fingers together repeatedly, stopping to play with his wedding ring. It had been an impulsive purchase, she hadn't planned on getting it that day, but it had been sitting in the display window and she knew it was the right one. She remembered how it felt picking it out, and even more what it felt like on their wedding day to slide it onto his finger and promise him forever.

He moved a little again, murmuring her name before burying himself deeper into the mattress. Carefully, she lifted his arm and scooted out from his grasp, moving slowly as to not upset the balance in her stomach. She made it into an upright position without much incident, and shuffled out to the kitchen for water. She got it straight out of the tap, not caring that it was warm, and spent the next ten minutes drinking it, small sips at a time. She had to start keeping something down, even if by force. She couldn't lose this baby. She couldn't. The thought alone about took her knees out and she braced herself against the counter, shaking her head to rid herself of the thought.

She discarded the glass by the sink and tiptoed into the boys room, where they were sleeping back to back, the blankets kicked off. She replaced the sheets over them and kissed their cheeks, then went back into her own room and climbed into bed.

"Can I keep you?" Adam asked sleepily, scooting over to her and nuzzling her neck.

"Please do."


	152. Chapter 152

"Benjamin, don't climb up there," Adam said, taking Ben down from the exam table for the fourth time.

"Daddy, I bored," he sighed, pushing his glasses up. "Wanna play."

"I know. You're going to go to the park soon, but we have to wait until the doctor gets here so we can see the baby."

"But how?"

With special doctor magic," Adam replied, chuckling. "Just be patient buddy. I promise, it's really cool."

Lindsay grinned at them and let her dangling legs swing back and forth while they waited for the ultrasound technician. Colton was walking around the room, inspecting everything he could see. His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized the posters, taking an extra moment to look at the one that showed each month of pregnancy with the fetus at actual size.

"Mama?"

"Yeah?"

"How big is our baby?"

"About this size," she said, pointing to the second picture. Next week it's going to get bigger, and then bigger and bigger until it's this big."

"Why does it take so long? Can't the baby eat all its dinner and get big faster?"

"It just doesn't work that way."

"Well I don't like waiting," he said, walking over to her side. She grinned and leaned down, pressing her nose to his.

"Neither do I."

He grinned and reached his hand up to touch her nearly flat stomach.

"I know there's a baby in there but I just can't see it."

"You'll see it soon enough," she sighed, looking at her watch and being fully aware of how long it had been since she had used the bathroom and how many glasses of water she'd had to drink earlier. Her stomach was upset and hadn't given her any relief in the past few weeks, but at least she wasn't throwing up constantly anymore.

The door creaked open and the nurse stepped inside, holding a chart in one hand and two lollipops in the other.

"I hear there's two very patient boys in here. Mom, are lollipops okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. What do you boys say?"

"Thank you!" they said in unison, their eyes lighting up at the small treats.

"You're welcome. Sorry I made you wait so long."

"That's okay. I was lookin' at all the stuff," Colton said, tearing the wrapper off his candy. "I'm gonna be a doctor when I get big like daddy."

"Oh really? What kind of doctor?"

"I don't know. A really good one who fixes people from being sick. I will take care of little babies but also old people because they get really sick sometimes."

"You're right, they do."

"So, what are you going to do to my mama?" he asked curiously as she set up the ultrasound equipment.

"Well this wand right here is going to send soundwaves into your mama's belly and then they'll bounce back into the computer and show us what they saw."

"I don't know what that means. It sounds smarty though."

The nurse grinned and they started the ultrasound, Colton getting startled at the sudden whomping heartbeat.

"What is that noise?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"That's the baby's heart beating. Look on the screen, you can see it."

His eyes grew wide at the black and white screen and he leaned closer to look at it.

"That doesn't look like a baby."

"Well that's because the baby's so little that it doesn't really look like a baby yet. Also because this isn't the best picture."

She continued to take measurements and he watched her, entranced and totally oblivious to the tears in Adam's eyes or how Lindsay couldn't stop looking at the screen.

"Alright, are you ready to see the baby in all its glory?"

"Yeah!" Colton said enthusiastically, biting his lollipop in half. The nurse made a few adjustments and the screen changed, showing them a grainy picture of a small object that resembled a peanut/baby hybrid.

"Look! Mama look, the baby is moving! Can you feel it?"

"No, not yet."

"It's just swimmin' around in your tummy. It's so cute, right?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Wow, look at it go. It's like when me and Ben's dancin' around when daddy turns on Anamanaguchi."

Adam chuckled and looked over at Lindsay, catching the wonder in her eyes and saving it in his mind to look at again later.

"Okay, it looks like everything is measuring right where it should be," the nurse said finally after several minutes of watching the monitor. I'll get the pictures and video ready for you."

She stepped out of the room and Lindsay sat up, grinning at the still picture that was left on the monitor.

"I like something best in the video. I liked when the baby was head bangin'."

"You like that best, huh?"

"Yep. Can we come and look at the baby tomorrow?"

"No, we can't look at the baby for a while."

"Well when is next time?"

"In a few weeks. We'll come back and they'll tell us if the baby is a boy or a girl."

"What if it is a boy when I want it to be a girl?"

"Well that just means you're going to have another brother to play with. It will be just like how you like to play with Ben."

"Oh, okay. I could have a brother if I have to. Could I ask one more question?"

"Sure, go ahead."

The door opened just at that moment and he turned back to smile at the nurse before sighing.

"How in the world did that baby get in your belly, mama?"

"Um…," she trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"Did it just appear? Like when you make a Mii on the Wii games?"

"Uh, sure."

"Oh. But how did you make it?"

They looked at each other uneasily while the nurse chuckled and handed them their paperwork.

"I don't really know how we made the baby," Lindsay choked out after a moment, trying to usher the boys out the door.

"Who maked it? You and daddy?"

"I have to pee," she answered finally, turning down the hall to go to the bathroom.

"Daddy, do you know the answer?"

"I don't think I do bud," Adam answered. He figured the question would go away and maybe he had another five years at least before he had to explain to his son the birds and the bees. He just had to avoid it for now.

"I will ask someone else then. Someone around here gots to know. Hey Ben, you was a baby once. You remember how you got made?"

Ben raised an eyebrow and shook his head, then scuffed his foot across the carpet.

"I guess I will have to do more 'vestigating."

"Yeah, you should just ask all the kids. The grown ups won't know," Adam fibbed as Lindsay came back out of the bathroom.

"Okay, let's get out of here so daddy's not late to work."

She took Ben's hand and they went outside, into the warm fresh air.

"What are we going to do while daddy's at work?"

"We're going to meet Austin and the kids at the park, remember? We're having a picnic."

"Oh yeah! I was stoked 'bout that this morning."

"Are you still stoked now?"

"Yep. Plus I will ask Isa and Sarah to help me with my 'vestigation and we will find out how babies are made. Plus if we need help we could ask Flack because he's a detective you know."

"Son, maybe you don't need to know how babies are made. Maybe it's better when it's just a mystery."

"No daddy, it's not. See, when the baby is born after bein' in mama's belly it won't know about the whole world. So I will have to tell it everything and I will have to start with how it got made. If I don't know that, then how do I tell the baby all the rest about the world?"

Adam and Lindsay exchanged glances, cursing their combined personality trait of curiosity and stubbornness and regretting that it had been passed on so fiercely to their first child.

"His logic is kind of terrifying."

"I'm still not telling him."

"I could hear you talkin' about me, you know. You know the answer and you won't say because you're mean!"

"Colton."

He crossed his arms over his chest and glared at them.

"We don't tell lies in this family."

"Okay, you're right," Lindsay said, crouching down to look him in the eye. "Someday we'll tell you how babies get made, but it's really something that kids don't need to know about."

"But it's a mystery to solve!"

"I know. But all good mysteries take some time, right? You just be patient."

"I don't like that answer."

"Well that's the answer you're going to live with. At least for today."

She was feeling a little guilty keeping it from him and never thought she would balk during "the talk," she just wasn't quite sure how to explain it to a five year old without damaging him forever. Maybe she could come up with something in the next few days, but right now she really didn't have any ideas.

"So you could tell me tomorrow?"

"Colton… just let me and daddy figure it out, okay? It's a very long kind of story and you'll get bored hearing it all."

"Oh. Okay, I guess."

He continued down the street, satisfied with that answer for now, his mind returning to the trip to the park and playing with the kids.

"Dodged a bullet on that one," Adam sighed.

"You know, you could have taken the lead on that. You're the man."

"How do you know?"

"Three kids, daddy-o. That's how I know."

He chuckled and grabbed Colton's shoulder as he started around the corner.

"Hey wait a minute dude."

"What?"

"I've got to leave you guys now so I can go to work."

"You gonna take a cab?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"I'll see you when I get home tonight, okay?"

"Okay."

"Can I have a hug or are you just going to mug me?"

Colton giggled and jumped into Adam's arms, hugging him tightly around the neck.

"I love you daddy. You be safe at work."

"I will. You be safe at the park."

"Okay."

He returned Colton to the ground, then picked Ben up, hugging him tightly.

"I'll see you later Ben Ry."

"Bye daddy," he whispered, his eyes downcast.

"Hey. I love you."

"Ben loves daddy too."

"You be good for mama."

He nodded and squirmed down, joining Colton on the sidewalk where they marveled over a sun dried worm.

"Want me to pick up dinner on the way home?"

"Yes please."

"Any preference?"

"Not really. Whatever you want."

"Okay. Call if you need me to come home early."

She nodded and he leaned down to kiss her, taking just an extra moment to let his hands lightly squeeze her hips.

"I love you."

"Love you too. Be safe."

* * *

"So eating outside was a great idea," Austin commented as the kids sprinted off to the playground, leaving sandwich crusts and half eaten strawberries in their wake.

"I love how the shrieking and hitting was kind of deadened by the fresh air," Lindsay agreed, shoving all their trash into a garbage sack.

"There's a reason they call it the great outdoors."

"Yes there is."

They both sighed and laid back on the picnic blanket, their heads propped up with diaper bags and other kid paraphernalia so they could keep an eye on the playground where their offspring were currently all engaged in some game that involved them walking around backwards.

"Okay, so did you bring me ultrasound pictures?"

"Oh yeah. Sorry."

Lindsay reached over and grabbed the print outs from the side pocket of the diaper bag and handed them to Austin who grinned.

"Never gets old," she said, shaking her head a little.

"I know. It's weird how it goes from blob to mini-human in like two weeks."

"Everything is healthy?"

"Yep."

"Are you guys going to find out and actually tell people this time?" Austin asked, casting Lindsay with a side-long glance.

"Yeah, I think so. Knowing our luck we'll have a modest kid and we won't even be able to find out."

"Lin, you're gonna jinx it!"

Lindsay snickered as Sarah skipped over to them, plopping down on the blanket between them.

"We got anything to drink?"

"Here," Austin said handing her a bottle of water. Sarah drained half of it, then closed the lid and put it away.

"What's that?"

"Pictures of the baby."

"Oh, I want to see, I want to see!"

They handed her the pictures and she stared at them for a moment before her eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped open.

"It's a little tiny baby! I can see how it has a nose even! Right there!" she exclaimed, pointing to the profile shot. She traced her finger over all the pictures, pointing out things she could make out and asking about what she couldn't.

"You know what?"

"What?"

"This baby will be my best friend," she decided with a nod of her head.

"Oh really?"

"Yep. Colton and Isa is best friends and Ben and Junior is best friends and I don't got a best friend, so this baby has no choice."

"I think the baby will be just fine with that," Lindsay chuckled, reaching over to tuck Sarah's hair behind her ear.

"Would it be okay for me to have one of these pictures?"

"How about I take them home and make copies for you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Okay!" she agreed, handing the pictures back over and jumping up from the blanket. "I'm going to go tell the other kids!"

They watched her go, then looked at each other and snorted with laughter.

"How did you guys get a Sarah? She's so sweet, she's nothing like you."

"Yeah, and you ended up with Colton who is really smart and nothing like you either."

They giggled and watched the kids play together as cohesively as if they were all siblings, but still almost as politely as if they were all just friends. They watched as Ben fell off the end of the slide and Isa pulled him to his feet and swiped the bark chips off his back. They watched Sarah hang from the monkey bars while Colton jumped up and down encouraging her to go a little further, but hugging her when she dropped to the ground anyway. They watched as all five kids climbed up to the top of the slide and went down in a chain, shrieking with laughter the entire way down.

"You know," Austin started softly, examining the ends of her hair. "If I had to go through life the way I did, without a close family, I am pretty sure this right here makes up for it."

"Hard to imagine it being any other way."

"When we're eighty-"

"Ninety."

"One hundred and ten. Do you think we'll be watching our great-great-great grandkids playing together?"

"I hope so."

* * *

"I forgot to say goodnight to the baby!" Colton hollered from his bedroom, throwing the covers off and running out to the couch. He climbed up and pressed his hand to Lindsay's stomach for a moment, speaking solemnly.

"Goodnight baby. You do some growing, okay? And I will find out where you comed from."

Lindsay sighed and looked at Adam who arched his eyebrows in response.

"Colton stay here for a second."

"What mama?"

"I'll tell you how babies are made, but I am only going to give you the Cliffs Notes."

He nodded, knowing that sometimes when they explained something scientific or complicated to him they didn't tell him everything because he would get confused.

"Someday we'll tell you all of it, but for now, this is all you need to know, okay?"

He nodded again, wishing she would get on with it.

"When a mama and a daddy really, really love each other, sometimes their hearts get really full. And they just can't hold all that love anymore, like when you fill up your glass of water until it spills over the top."

"Uh-huh."

"Sometimes a mama and daddy's love spills over the top like that and it makes a baby."

He thought about it for a minute, his brow furrowing.

"Well then how come you and daddy don't gots more kids?"

"Because… um… sometimes it spills over to make a deposit in the love bank."

"Well what's that for?"

"You know how sometimes daddy and I have arguments and we get upset with each other? We get over that by dipping into the love bank."

"Oh, get it!" he said, even as Adam snorted at her description. "I could go to bed now."

He hopped off the couch and went back into his room while Adam erupted into laughter.

"What? I didn't see you doing any better!"

"I was avoiding. Love bank?"

"Well, I don't know."

He shook his head and tightened his arms around her while she glared at him.

"Hey," he whispered softly. "You remember the specific night that our love bank got too full…"

"I remember a lot of specific nights," she purred, her eyes turning darker.

"You know what I mean."

"Yes I do. And yes."

They blinked slowly together and sighed. It may not have been the specific night, but it was the one they were sticking to. It had been a spur of the moment kind of evening, starting out slowly and transforming into a drawn out encounter that had ebbed and flowed for several hours until they both fell into a blissful sleep, then had picked up again as the sun was coming up. It was a night that would be permanently etched into their minds forever, even if it hadn't resulted in their third offspring.

"We need to start thinking of names," she said softly, breaking the spell.

"I thought we weren't going to start until we figured out what it was rolling around in there."

"Well yeah, but it might not be as easy for us to pick something as last time."

"Yeah, especially since we've named ourselves into a corner."

"What?"

"Reverse alphabetical order."

"Ending with N," she finished with a sigh. "I guess it doesn't have to be a pattern though. We don't have to tell anyone."

"Really Linds? You think that you and I are going to sit here and see a pattern and not run with it?"

"Yeah, I guess. So we're down to A names."

"That end with N."

"Why doesn't anything come to mind?"

"Allen."

She scrunched her entire face up at that one.

"What? It's not a horrible name."

"No, it's not. I actually don't hate it. But I am not birthing a 45 year old man."

"Point noted. Hey, I was thinking earlier, if it's a boy, maybe we use Monroe for the middle name."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's a strong name and it fits with our middle name pattern."

"Okay. I can see that."

"Linds?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love you."

"I really love you too."

He leaned down and kissed her, cradling the back of her head in one hand while the other rubbed gently over her stomach. She hummed under his persistent lips, dragging her fingers up to play in his hair.

He broke the kiss after a while, dropping his forehead to hers and giving her a little smile.

"You wanna go make a deposit in the love bank?"

"When do I not?"


	153. Chapter 153

The smell and the dust and the clutter was overwhelming, and Lindsay tried her best to be discreet when she covered her nose with the back of her hand.

"Lindsay, the guy is dead. I doubt he's gonna be upset that you think his place stinks," Flack said with a chuckle.

"Says the man who still wears a clothespin on his nose when he changes a diaper."

He shot her a look while Danny muffled a laugh.

"Your secrets are not safe with your wife."

"She's gonna pay. Big time."

He flipped his black notebook closed and moved into the other room while Danny snickered.

"It only took me a few months to get rid of the clothespins. He's had over a year."

"He's weak."

"Speaking of weak, you're looking a little yurpy there Montana."

"With all the puking I've been doing lately," she sighed, crouching down to get a better angle on the area surrounding the victim.

"Still?"

"Oh yeah."

"Like all the time?"

"No. Just most of the time."

"You been to the doctor?"

"Yeah. It's fine, I keep enough down, gained two pounds."

"Sorry, I'm not being nosy, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay Danny. But thanks."

He didn't press for more information than that, even if Adam had asked him to keep an eye on her.

"So do you think this guy was a hoarder or just messy?"

"I don't know. Think that's a pizza box collection or he was building a fort?"

"Suddenly I see what Adam's life woulda been if he had never met me."

Danny chuckled, knowing that it was probably true of Adam, but also of himself if he and Austin had never managed to work it out.

Their conversation stopped as they moved around the room, taking pictures and gathering little bits of evidence, just in case this didn't turn out to be death by natural causes. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, knowing how bad the morning sickness still was even this late in the pregnancy and knowing that she was doing whatever she could to cover it up. He didn't understand why they hadn't broken the news yet, it would make things easier on her, but he had to go along with it and not say anything. No one even suspected yet and even though he knew, he never would have guessed.

"Ready to go?" he asked, once the large box of evidence had been collected and the body had been removed.

"Yeah," she yawned, picking up the cardboard box. He grabbed it out of her hands and she gave him a look.

"Just bein' a gentleman," he said with a little shrug. She didn't argue, just sighed and walked out the door, holding the screen for him. They both breathed the fresh air deeply and he could see her coloring returning to normal as he put the box in the back of the SUV.

"That was over fifteen pounds," he said, starting the car.

"Danny," she sighed, buckling her seatbelt and scraping her hair away from her face.

"What?"

"It was not over fifteen pounds."

"There was a bowlin' ball in there, Montana. You shouldn't be lifting stuff like that."

"I like that you want to talk care of me, but it's going to drive me nuts."

"I don't care."

"Why are you always like this, Danny? You always do irritating things in the name of helping me or protecting me or being a good partner or-"

Her diatribe stopped suddenly and he looked over at her, worried. Her brow was furrowed and she hand one hand over her stomach and for a second he wondered if something really bad was about to happen. Then he saw the grin spread across her face.

"What?"

"It moved."

"What, the baby? It moved? You felt it?"

"No, we already share a psychic connection. Of course I felt it."

"This early?"

"I'm almost halfway done, Danny."

"Oh yeah. You have been cranky for about three months now."

"Shut up."

"Is it still moving?"

"No, it stopped. I guess I just kind of forgot what it felt like."

He looked over at her and grinned.

"You're so much nicer when you're smilin' like that and not yellin' at me."

"Shut up, Messer."

They drove the rest of the way back to the lab in silence and he unloaded the car while she stood with her hands on her hips.

"You'll thank me for this later," he said, ushering her into the elevator. She yawned and leaned against the wall, wanting desperately to close her eyes and fall into sleep. She'd been more tired than nauseous lately and she was currently cursing every pregnant woman who said the second trimester came with boundless energy. She wasn't feeling that in the slightest.

"Lindsay?"

"Hmm?"

"You could leave early. Midnight is a long ways off."

"I know but I don't want to leave you with this."

"We'll probably find out that the guy died of a heart attack, case closed."

"I just need my second wind."

"That's what you said four hours ago."

"I did?"

"You did. Go take a break. Fifteen minutes at the least. Call home or close your eyes for a bit. I'll come get you later."

"Thanks, Danny."

They stepped off the elevator and she made her way into their darkened office, grabbing her cell phone and plopping down on the couch. She really would have preferred a fifteen minute nap, but she was missing the boys and it was almost their bedtime, so she felt obligated to call.

Adam picked up on the fourth ring, sounding out of breath and irritated.

"Hey, what's going on there?"

"The boys are channeling a young me again. They're into everything tonight."

"You sound upset."

"I keep telling them- Ben, put that down, I said no!"

There was a clatter in the background and he sighed.

"Put it down doesn't mean chuck it on the floor."

"Adam," she said softly, knowing how much it bothered him when he started to get angry.

"What?"

"Calm down. They're overtired and they're testing you. Go put them to bed."

He sighed at her reassurance and leaned against the kitchen counter.

"I will. I'm just…"

"I know. It's okay honey, that's what kids do. Drive you bonkers until you question all your parenting abilities."

"I guess you're right."

"Let me talk to them?"

"Yeah, just a second."

There was a few moments of shuffling noises and some conversation she couldn't make out before Colton came on the line.

"Hi mama."

"Hi Colton. Are you drivin' daddy crazy?"

"We're just playing."

"Well stop whatever you're doing that he keeps telling you to stop doing."

"Okay. When are you coming home?"

"Long after you're in bed."

"Oh alright. Talk to daddy again."

He handed the phone off with nary an 'I love you' and she sighed, wondering what had gotten into the boys.

"I've got to go put them to bed, but call me back if you get a chance, okay?"

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too. Gotta go."

* * *

She could have nearly crashed face first onto the couch and fallen asleep halfway down, but she would never sleep well that way and would wake with a crick in her neck at three in the morning when Adam woke up freaked out because she wasn't in bed. So as good as the couch sounded, she kicked off her shoes and staggered into the bedroom, leaving her clothes in a pile on the floor, donning an old t-shirt, and climbing into bed. Adam was asleep but not snoring, as if he was half waiting up for her, and she scooted closer to him, wrapping her arms around him as best she could. He stirred a little under her touch and rolled to face her, battling sleep for a moment before he opened his eyes.

"Hey babe."

"Hey," he responded, his voice quiet.

"Something wrong?"

He shook his head and leaned over to kiss her.

"No, it's fine."

"Adam."

"I yelled at the boys."

"Honey…"

"It may not seem like a big deal to you but it was to me."

"What happened?"

"It was after we got off the phone, I had told them three times to stop playing with the soap in the bathroom and I walked in there, and it was all over the place. I told them to go get in bed and they just ignored me and kept playing and all the sudden I was yelling at them and they were crying and I am the worst father on the planet."

"I am pretty sure that title has already been taken by several men, including but not limited to your father and Austin's dad and Alec Baldwin. You're not a bad father. Not even close."

"But-"

"No buts. I know how it feels and I've yelled at them before. Sometimes you're just so tired and frustrated that it comes out before you can stop it. There's not necessarily anything wrong with a slip up like that, but it's not something we really want to do. Did you talk to them about it later?"

"No, I just sent them to bed."

"You're going to want to talk to them in the morning."

"I know."

"It's normal honey, and it's probably going to happen again. But you are not like your father and you never will be and I want you to stop feeling guilty right now."

"I can't," he sighed, getting up from the bed and running his fingers through his hair.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to talk to them now."

"Adam, they're sleeping."

"I know, but I have to."

She sighed and watched him go, knowing the guilt would eat at him even after everything had been smoothed over. He'd gotten better at the discipline, he was far more firm with punishments than she was, but this was really going to bug him.

She rolled onto her back and ran her hand over her stomach, noticing that she was showing slightly more than she thought she had been. It was getting close to time to tell people, but for some reason she liked keeping it a secret more. It had been fun to tell the family, even though it had to be over the phone, and she was looking forward to telling all their friends, but it just didn't seem like time yet.

She felt another flutter inside, and smiled wishing she could feel it on the outside too. She left her hand on her stomach and closed her eyes, breathing deeply and relaxing her body to try and fall asleep. It was true she was exhausted all day long, but she then had troubles falling asleep, or was hit with wave after wave of nausea, or had nightmares that woke her up. This pregnancy had already been harder than the other two, and she wasn't sure it was going to get easier.

"Did you wake them up?" she asked as Adam came back into the room and cracked the window.

"Yeah. They'd forgotten about it."

"Told you."

"Still felt bad," he said, stretching as he laid down beside her. "You're starting to show."

"Yeah. I felt movement today."

"You did?" he asked, his rough hands moving over her stomach. "Jealous."

"I know."

"What do you think is in there, boy or girl?"

"I don't know."

He smiled and leaned up to graze his lips over her face, then kissed her until her eyes shot open.

"I was thinking."

"About?"

"You cutting back on work hours."

"Why?"

"Because you're having a rough time, sweetie. I can go to five tens instead of five eights, give you a little more wiggle room."

"I don't want to do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to be the only one working."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I just feel like… you come home from work and you immediately start taking care of the boys and playing with them and helping me with dinner or whatever I need. You don't decompress, you don't watch TV or play video games. You're superdad. I come home and I just want to sit or go to sleep. I want to do all the things you do but I just feel like I can't. And you're working way more than I am-"

"No I'm not. You're here with the boys all day long. You take care of them every day, every night. The only time you don't is when you go to work. Just because being home doesn't bring in a paycheck doesn't mean you're not working just as hard as I am, if not harder. If we move, we're going to have to be really careful with who works when. We're not going to have a babysitter right down the hall anymore. We might have to do some finagling with our schedules. I don't know yet. I just want you to know that staying home is an option for you, okay?"

"Okay."

"We're doing all this together, honey. It doesn't matter who's holding up the paycheck end and who is holding down the fort, as long as we're doing it together."

"I just don't want us to go broke."

"Honey, we're doing just fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Do you want to look at our financials? Because I think you'll be surprised."

"How much money do we have?"

"We have enough. More than we had last time you freaked out like this. We're good at saving and we haven't spent much more than what we've really needed in a long time. You've saved a lot with coupons, I've saved a lot with internet deals and with our credit the way it is, we're going to have no problems getting a small home loan. Everything is going to be just fine, okay?"

"Okay."

"Can you do me a favor though?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me next time you're freaking out about something."

"I will. Sorry."

He was quiet for a second, watching how her eyes roamed over the ceiling.

"What else is going on in your head babe?"

"I'm worried about us," she said quietly, reaching down for his hand.

"What about us?"

"Having two kids is crazy enough. We planned so many weekends away that we just never got around to. I'm afraid that adding a third is going to take away even date nights and we're going to just become parents and not be a couple anymore."

"Are you really worried about that or are you just anxious about how things are going to change?"

"The second one."

"Lindsay."

"Yes?"

He crooked a finger under her chin and turned her to face him, leaning close and nuzzling her nose with his.

"I love you. We're going to be fine, we just have to be intentional with it, like we always are. It'll be okay."

"I'm just selfish and I want you all to myself all the time."

"Ditto."

* * *

A small hand reached up and tugged on her pants, and she smiled turning to look down at Ben who lifted his arms up to her. She reached down and picked him up, stroking his cheek gently and kissing the end of his nose.

"Mama?"

The tone of his voice told her he was about to use his elusive words and really say something to her, so she leaned against the counter and gave him her full attention.

"What's the matter, baby?"

"Mama love Cole?"

"Yes, I love Colton."

"Mama love Ben?"

"Yes, I love you too, Benjamin."

"Mama," he sighed, looking down at her stomach. "Love baby?"

"Yes, I love the baby too."

He contemplated that for a moment, trying to put into words what he was worried about.

"Mama love baby and Ben and Cole?"

"Are you asking if I have enough love for you and Ben and the baby?"

He nodded sadly and she crushed him to her chest, rocking them gently back and forth.

"Oh sweet boy. I will always have enough love for all of you. Always. You don't have to worry, Benjamin. I will love you and Colton and the new baby forever and ever and ever."

"Daddy?"

"Daddy will too. I promise, you never have to worry about that. We will love you until the end of time."

He grinned and threw his arms around her neck, holding on as tightly as he could.

"Ben loves mama big."

She chuckled and held him for a while longer, running her hand up and down his back and enjoying the way her not so little baby boy still wanted his mama.

"Can I have kisses?"

He giggled and kissed her with a loud _mwah _before wiggling back down to the floor.

"Ben play now," he said, trotting off into the other room. She watched him go, then peeked around the corner into the other room. The boys were laying on the floor with a book, taking the small magnets out of the container and sticking them to the magnetic pages, talking softly about what was going on. Despite the stresses and the changes, she couldn't wait until the day when their third little love would join them.


	154. Chapter 154

"This house was built in 1925," the realtor started, unlocking the door of the brick and white house. "It's 1600 square feet with original floors and windows. It's been in the same family since it was built."

Adam glanced over at Lindsay and smiled at the look on her face. They were barely in the front door and she was already in love. She was taking in the old wood floors, the white woodwork on all the doors, the narrow staircase that was the first thing you saw when walking in the door and she was going to a place where nothing could convince her that there was any other house in the world for them.

The realtor led them left, through old French doors into the living room where a small white brick fireplace stood. The room extended almost the length of the house, and through a small door was the laundry room and back entrance. The living room connected to the dining room via a small hallway, which also had the door to the basement. They walked into the dining room and Adam and Lindsay didn't have to say a word to each other as they both silently approved of the size. It would be perfect for family dinners. They walked through to the kitchen and Lindsay almost stopped short. It was perfect. A window over the deep sink looked out over the large sideyard and street corner. It was too narrow a room for an island in the middle, but other than that it was perfect. The entire room was white and the cupboards had glass facings and it would probably have sun shining through the window most of the day. She stood there for a long moment, taking it all in, willing her heart not to beat too heavily. They came back around to the front door and started up the stairs, noticing how it creaked under their weight. At the top of the stairs was a bathroom with black and white tiles, a small shower and an old clawfoot tub. They peeked into the bedrooms, one on either side of the house, both long and skinny with windows at one end and a closet at the other. The bedroom that stood over the living room was slightly smaller, and the hallway that ran next to it led them to yet another staircase. This took them up to the third floor, or "master suite" as the realtor called it. It had just been finished in the last few years and had windows overlooking the front yard and both sides of the house. The ceiling was sloped just four feet shy of the floor and the closet was nothing more than a little nook, but they could both picture themselves up here.

They spent another ten minutes going through the house again, looking a little closer at things, seeing if it was something that had hidden problems or hidden potential. Everything looked to be as wonderful as it had seemed the first time, and after a while, they bid the realtor goodbye and made their way back to the car.

"You want it," Adam deduced with a grin, watching her as she put her seatbelt on.

"I don't not want it," she replied carefully, leaning back in the seat and putting a hand on her stomach.

"Linds."

"I love it. A lot."

"But?"

"But it's at the higher end of our price scale. It doesn't come with appliances, and the bedrooms aren't all on the same level, and I know you wanted that."

"It was a preference, not a must have. And we can offer something a little lower. We're not taking out that huge of a loan in the first place."

"Yeah."

"Lindsay, I can see how much you love that house. That makes me love it too."

"Really?"

"I can see Christmas morning by that fireplace. Breakfast in the kitchen. Family dinners in the dining room. So what if it only has one and a half bathrooms? So what if the halls are narrow and the stairs are steep? It feels like home to both of us, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does."

"So then… let's make an offer."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Really, really?"

"Yes. We'll get an inspector out here and figure out what has to be done before we can move in, you can go look at paint colors and furniture and tell Austin how close we'll be to them, and I'll figure out how we're going to get our bed up two flights of stairs."

"We're really doing this."

"We're all grown up now."

She took a deep breath and squeezed his hand.

"Let's buy a house."

* * *

Committing to buying a house may have been scary, but later that afternoon, buying kindergarten school supplies seemed much more daunting. Lindsay and Austin had both perused the list several times unbelieving that their children were already in need of school supplies, and would be embarking on kindergarten very shortly. Part of the reason for moving specifically to Brooklyn was so Colton and Isa could go to school together. It was still up in the air if that would happen or not, but so far the kids hadn't asked and were just excited to be headed to kindergarten. They held their mothers hands and laughed together as they made their way into the store, both immediately going for the display of backpacks they spotted first.

"Mama, I need this! It's a dinosaur! I need it so bad mama!" Colton said, jumping from one foot to the other. Lindsay sighed, suddenly wishing they had come without the kids. There were too many school supplies adorned with cartoon characters and animals, and she was sure they weren't going to get out without a few bouts with the gimme's.

"We'll put it in the cart and think about it," she said finally. He whooped and threw the backpack into the cart, while Isa tossed her selection in as well.

"This is going to be a long afternoon," Austin sighed, having had a talk with Isa about not throwing a fit or yelling and whatever mommy says goes.

"We'll enjoy it and be sentimental about our babies growing up, and then we won't be so desperately wanting some tequila at the end of it all."

"Plan."

They made their way to the school supplies, which were all displayed brightly, even though it was still early summer. Lindsay told Austin all about the house as they picked their way through erasers and glue sticks and scissors and the kids picked out their crayons and folders.

"I don't know if they'll take our offer, but I really, really want this house."

"I can tell."

"I'm probably letting it get to my head too much, because nothing says we'll get it but… it's just so perfect. I'm already thinking about how I want to paint the master bedroom and shouldn't be thinking like that because I'm going to get disappointed. What do I do if we don't get it?"

"You look for something else and realize that the perfect family doesn't always need a perfect house."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Buck up, private. You're going to get out of that apartment, one way or another."

"Yeah, that's true."

"So when's your next doctor's appointment?"

"Next week."

"And you're going to find out?"

"Yeah, and I'll tell you, I promise. We figure after the appointment we'll spill the beans to everyone else."

"I don't like admitting this, but I feel kinda special that you guys told us first."

"Of course we told you first. Told you first last time too."

"Even before your family?"

"Yeah. The only time I didn't tell you first was the first time and… well anyway."

"Anyway."

They moved on from the subject and started contemplating the price of crayons, and if the kids really needed the 64 pack that they so desperately wanted.

"Colton, do you know how many of these crayons are going to get busted or lost and you'll be upset and I'll have to buy you a whole new 64 pack?"

"No, but I want a lot of crayons."

"But the list says a twelve pack is all you need," she argued, pulling a twelve pack off the shelf.

"Sweet Thing, you see what she's trying to buy me?"

Isa looked at the small box and raised her eyebrows.

"Indy, don't you know nothin' 'bout kids?" she asked, one hand on her hip in the most striking display of being Austin's daughter that Lindsay had ever seen.

"I guess not. Here I was thinking kids would want some ice-cream after shopping. I must have been wrong. Pity."

"Yeah, I was under the impression that kids liked sprinkles on their two scoops. That must be just for mamas. We'll get ice-cream. You two can look at your crayons."

"No, we want ice-cream too!" Colton said, looking over at Isa whose jaw had dropped in astonishment.

"I don't know Linds. Maybe if they agreed to split the big pack we could take them out for ice-cream."

"Yeah, maybe that would be okay."

"We'll split it," Isa promised. "Even Steven, like daddy makes me and Sarah do with cookies."

"Yeah, we could split as long as I get the gold color."

"Okay! I hate that one. It's trashy."

Austin laughed silently and shook her head, wondering how Isa came up with some of the things she said.

Once the crayon debate was settled, the kids forged ahead with looking for folders and notebooks, Colton stopping to smell a box of pencils.

"What is your kid doing?"

"He had a little nervous moment this morning and I told him that when I was little I loved the smell of crayons and pencils and it made me feel better when I was homesick at school."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No."

"Wow. I can't even… wow."

Lindsay shrugged and took the bag of erasable pens out of the cart.

"Taylor set her wedding date."

"And now you shall weep and feel old."

"Basically. It's two weeks after the kids start school. I think I'll only go out for three days, but maybe four. I'm not sure yet."

"Who's going to watch the boys while Adam's at work?"

"Faye said she could come for a day or two, Ellie might take a day. I'm not totally sure but we have a while to figure it out."

"Can I go with you?" Austin asked, before she had really thought it through.

"What?"

"I dunno, I just… suddenly want to go with you."

"Really? To Montana."

"Yeah. You always talk about it and when we were there for your wedding I didn't really get to see much and the guys promised that someday we'd get to have a girls weekend with no kids."

"You're right, they do owe us."

"I don't have to come with you, I just thought it might be fun."

"Are you kidding? You can't back out now. You're coming with me."

"You won't be embarrassed of me for being such a city girl?"

"I don't think anyone will understand us enough for me to be embarrassed."

"True that is."

Lindsay chuckled and found a pencil box for Colton.

"This will be the best vacation ever."

"I'm actually pretty thrilled myself. No glitter glue, Isabeth."

"But ma-"

"Remember our talk?"

"No glitter glue," she sighed, putting it back on the shelf sadly. Austin crouched down and pulled Isa into her arms whispering something in her ear that made her giggle. Isa took off running, crashing into Colton and tickling his sides as he laughed and tried to get away, then turned the tables on her, grabbing her in one arm and tickling her with the other.

"Colt no!" she squealed, twisting in his arms.

"Okay, now we're all filled up on ticklin' okay?"

"Okay."

They shook on it and moved on down the aisle while Lindsay and Austin shook their heads.

* * *

"Hey Isa?"

"Yeah?"

"Is your rootbeer almost gone?"

Isa slurped through her straw and grinned.

"Is now."

"You wanna share mine?"

Grinning, she pulled her straw from her rootbeer float and stuck it in his.

"I just got spittle left in mine," she informed him.

"Let's drink it all. Ready? Go!"

They slurped until the rootbeer was gone and all that was left was a warm blob of ice-cream.

"Are you happy for school to be starting?"

"Yep. But I wish Sarah could come with us too."

"Yeah. We will miss her."

"She's pretty cool for bein' littler than us, huh?"

"Yep. We will go to school and learn how to do all of it and then we will teach Sarah and she will be the smartest kid in her kindergarten."

"And then she could come to the next kindergarten with us!"

"Yeah!"

They high fived over the table, then sat back on the high stools, grinning. They were very excited to get to have their own table while Lindsay and Austin sat halfway across the shop, and were feeling quite grown up without the supervision.

"Daddy says that in school you have to have homework," Isa sighed. "Did your daddy say the same thing?"

"Yeah. Mama too. But they promised to help me. I don't want to do bad on my work."

"I don't either."

"Maybe we could help each other too."

"Yeah! We will always help each other, huh Colt?"

"Yep, all the time. Did you know that I love you?"

She giggled and twisted a strand of hair around her finger.

"Yeah, I know that."

"I love you like my daddy loves my mama. He said he loves mama so much that when she comes into the room his heart beats faster."

"My daddy says he loves my mama so much that his arms hurt when he's not huggin' her," Isa said with a nod. "You love me that much Colt?"

"Well my arms never hurt," he said, contemplating what she said. "But I sure like huggin' you sometimes."

"Will you be my best friend forever and ever and ever?"

"Yep. Maybe someday we will get married and live in a house together. And we will have family dinner and you will cook."

"I can't cook, I'd blow up the whole place!"

Colton laughed.

"Do you wanna get married Isa?"

"Yeah, when I am a grown up lady."

"Okay. I will wait for you to be a grown up lady."

"Colt?"

"Yeah?"

"What if you love someone else when you get to be older? What if you marry some other grown up girl?"

He shrugged.

"I will still love you for all the days Isa. I can't break my promises."

A grin cracked across her face and they leaned closer to each other, pressing their noses together.

"Hey Colt. You only gots one eyeball."

"You do too. Your eye is a different color than mine."

"Yep. Yours is brown. Your mama and Ben gots brown eyes too, huh?"

"Yeah. Daddy gots blue ones. Your daddy has blue ones too. And Sarah and Junior too?"

"I think so. You got freckles too huh?"

"Yeah, mama says I get them in the sun but they go away in the winter. She had freckles when she was little like me. Hey, you kind of have cute ears."

"Why are you lookin' at my ears, Colt?"

"Because they're just sittin' there," he explained, keeping his nose against hers.

"Sometimes you say things that your daddy would say."

"Yeah, I know."

"Hey, wanna try to kiss again?"

"I don't think so. Remember it was spitty last time?"

"Oh yeah. Kissin' is gross. Why do the grown ups do that?"

"I don't even know, Isa."

* * *

Colton sat on his bed, staring intently at the school supplies spread out before him. Lindsay had told him he could look at them but he couldn't lose any and he wasn't allowed to play with them until school started. That was fine with him, he was more concerned with fitting everything into the Yankees bag that Danny had gotten for him. Isa had one also, and they had been thrilled to come home and find those waiting for them. He'd packed the bag three times now, wondering how it would work best.

"Hey buddy, time for bed."

He looked up from his plastic ruler and smiled at Adam.

"Daddy, how many more days until school?"

"Two months."

"That is so long."

"It won't be too bad, I promise. Let's put your stuff away."

They packed the bag up and Colton slid under his covers, yawning a little.

"Where's Ben?"

"He's cuddling with mama for a little bit. Want me to read to you?"

"No. Could you tell me about school?"

"Again?"

"Yes."

"What do you want to know?" he asked, smoothing Colton's hair back from his face.

"Is school scary? Are the teachers mean? What if I don't like school, can I come home?"

"No, school isn't scary bud. It might be a little intimidating at first, but you'll get used to it and it won't be so bad anymore."

"Will I make friends?"

"Of course you will. People would be silly not to be your friend. Of course there's always some kids you won't get along with, but if you are the nicest person you can be, I don't think you'll need to worry about having friends."

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"If school is bad, can I just wait and try again later?"

"Nope."

"Okay. I just wanna know my options."

Adam chuckled and leaned over, kissing Colton's forehead and giving his hand a squeeze.

"I love you bubba."

"Love you too daddy."

They shared a hug and Adam stood up, turning the light out before going back into the living room. Lindsay and Ben were curled up on the couch together and he was nearing sleep, but just wanting to be around his mama for a bit longer. She was whispering gently to him and brushing his hair back from his face, and Adam stepped a little closer so he could hear what she was saying.

"I know it makes you feel left out when Colton gets to do things that you don't get to do. It's just because he's older so it's his turn to do them. But in a few years it will be your turn to go to school."

He nodded and played with her hand, spinning her ring around her finger.

"Ben stay home mama?"

"Yeah, you'll stay home with me or daddy when Colton's at school."

"Cole bye lots?"

"No, not very much. Just a few hours in the mornings."

"Ben miss Cole."

"I know you'll miss him, but it won't be very much and you'll get mama or daddy all to yourself those days."

"Mornin'?"

"No, kindergarten doesn't start in the morning. Not for a long time. You are going to have plenty of time to play with your brother before that."

He sighed and cuddled into her more, patting her stomach.

"Baby sleep?"

"Yeah. And it's time for you to go to sleep too."

His arms went around her neck as she picked him up and carried him into the bedroom.

"You want to sleep in your bed or Colton's bed?"

"Ben bed."

She pulled the covers back and settled him in under the firetruck quilt, then leaned down to kiss him.

"I love you Benjamin."

"Ben love mama. Sleep night."

She slid his glasses off and he closed his eyes, sighing and letting sleep take him. She moved over to Colton's bed, kissing his cheeks and his forehead before tucking the blankets just a little closer around him.

She tiptoed into the kitchen, finding Adam raiding the freezer for dessert. She smiled and walked up behind him, sliding her arms around his middle and resting her head against his back.

"Hey. I found cream puffs in here."

"I haven't bought cream puffs in a really long time. Actually I don't think I have ever bought them."

"Then what are they doing in our freezer?"

"Obviously they're on a suicide mission," she chuckled as he pulled the box out of the freezer and opened it.

"Well their plan backfired because they are freezer burned and I am not eating them."

She chuckled and leaned back against the counter, watching as he threw the cream puffs into the trash.

"Well now what are you going to do?"

"It must be a sign that I should skip dessert. I've been putting on sympathy pounds you know."

She smiled and shook her head while he stuck his stomach out.

"I think I'm even bigger than you are babe."

"Stop standing like that, you're going to throw your back out."

"I'm not that old," he said, walking over and placing his hands on either side of her.

"Yes you are. You're ancient. You're creaky. You're three days away from needing a wheelchair and fake teeth."

"You wound me."

"Cradle robber."

He smiled and swooped in to kiss her, then tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Adam?"

"Yes?"

"Can you hug me for a while?"

His arms clamped around her and drew her to his chest where she buried herself and closed her eyes. Neither one of them said anything for a long time, they just stood together and breathed.

"Feeling like things are moving a little too fast?" he asked after a moment.

"Yeah."

"Me too."

"We should schedule some downtime."

"We're going to be really busy really soon."

"I know. Maybe we can take the boys to the beach, just for the day."

"I think we should. Just us."

"It would be nice to get away for a little bit."

"We'll find some time in the next month or so."

She nodded and he began to sway them slowly, to music that didn't exist, music that they didn't need, because happiness was their rhythm.


	155. Chapter 155

A/N: Sorry for the shorter chapters lately... I seem to be getting everything done very succinctly. There's more surprises and exciting things coming up soon.

* * *

The pens scratched quietly over the papers as they both signed their names, middle initials included. It was quite possibly the riskiest step they had ever taken, and the second most important legal document either of them had ever signed. As the pens were placed back onto the hardwood table, they couldn't help but look at each other and think the same thing.

_We own a house._

It was such a big step, one that they had been dreaming about separately and together for years, and it was hard to believe it was finally here. They actually had a house befitting of the home they had already created. They had a permanent place to raise their family and grow old together. A perfect place to store their memories and to make more.

There was a little more paperwork to do, but soon they were handed keys and sent on their way, joining the ranks of millions of American homeowners.

"We need to commemorate this day," Adam decided as they got into the car.

"How's that?"

He pulled out his cell phone and snapped a picture of them holding their keys.

"There. Commemorated."

"Alright then."

"We've got an hour to kill before we have to be at the doctors. Want to swing by the house?"

"Yes."

He smiled and started the car, driving them through the streets carefully while she looked out the window and daydreamed. Life was even more perfect than she had ever imagined it would be. She could feel the happiness in her bones, such a stark contrast to the darkness she had been feeling just a short year ago.

"You know what we should do tonight?"

"Hmm, what?"

"Order pizza and have everyone over for dinner."

"To the house?"

"Yeah."

"But… we don't have chairs or plates or… anything."

"So we sit on the floor and use paper plates. Come on, it'll be fun."

"You promise to help me up from the floor?"

"Of course. You know, it might be a good time to break the news that you're pregnant. You can only wear loose fitting clothes so much longer."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"You have a freakish attachment to keeping this a secret."

"Sorry?"

"It's okay. Kind of fun. What time should we tell people to come over?"

"Around seven maybe. I can call Stella and tell her before that."

He nodded and parked the car on the side of the house, taking a deep breath.

"Okay, let's go in."

They walked up the porch steps and he used his key to open the door, while she fought hers onto her key ring. They stepped inside and breathed deeply, looking at each other and smiling.

"So tell me what you're planning in here," he said, walking into the living room.

"I was thinking blue, and then leave the wainscoting how it is. Then a different blue in the dining room."

"What about the kitchen?" he asked, as they made their way around and he leaned against the sink.

"I think I just want to leave it like it is. Of course we need a fridge and a stove. We'll just see what's on sale."

He took her hand and pulled her up the stairs, knowing she would want to fix the creak in the fourth and twelfth steps, but she'd leave the old wood just as it was.

"Hallway?"

"Just repaint it kind of off-white. I was thinking gray for the boys room."

"And the other room?"

"I figure we just leave that until after the baby is born. I don't want to do an entire nursery, then change it all up after a year. Besides if it's a boy, he's just going to move over into the other room and this will be a guest room and I'd like that to be a little more neutral, you know?"

"Did you miss your calling as an interior decorator?"

She smirked and led him down the hall and to the other stairs, tugging on his hand.

"Come on. I've got big plans up here."

"I'm sure your plans for up here are not quite the same as my plans for up here," he chuckled, following her anyway. She slowly turned to look back at him, raising her eyebrows and giving him a smirk before continuing into their bedroom.

"Where are we going to put everything?"

Despite the sloping ceiling, this bedroom was just a little larger than their current one, and had more windows, but that also meant slightly less wall space for furniture.

"I'm thinking we can stick the bed over here and the dresser across from it. That leaves enough room for the bassinette there after the baby comes. But that also means that there's some room to… I don't know, maybe build me a window seat."

"You want a window seat?"

"It's kind of a life long dream."

"I'll see what I can do. Are we painting?"

"Yes. But I have no idea what color yet, so maybe it's going to be a project for later."

"How about that bathroom down there?"

"I don't know. We're all going to have to share it so maybe something plain would be fine."

He grinned and hugged her, loving how much thought she had put into making their house more livable, how much time she had spent dreaming about their future, the important stuff included, but also paint colors and furniture placement.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too Adam."

They stood there for a while, their foreheads pressed together, both dreaming of all that was to come in the next few months.

"My brothers all offered to come out here and help us move."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. I don't know if they'll all be able to make it, but Eli is definitely coming."

"He is my favorite of your brothers."

"Because he gives me the hardest time!"

"Exactly. Plus he's got the most embarrassing stories on you."

"That's because he's a jerk."

"Don't say that if you want him to help us move."

"Okay, okay."

"We'd better get going. Don't want to be late for the big reveal."

She smiled and took his hand, letting him lead her back downstairs.

"I'm going to have to figure something out for these closets," she said, stepping into the baby's bedroom and surveying the walk-in cubbyhole. "Maybe figure out a way to hang a curtain or something up."

"Hey look at this," Adam said, peeking into the closet. On the side wall there were several small drawers built in, not large enough for clothes, but possibly installed to hold jewelry or other small items. He opened all the drawers and looked inside, finding nothing except that they were lined with old newspapers.

"That's kind of rad," Lindsay said, looking at the drawers. "I wonder if the boy's closet has that too."

She stepped across the hall and checked, finding no nifty cubbyholes in their room.

"Must be special," she decided, stepping into the bathroom and looking in the medicine cabinet.

"Ready to go?"

"Yep. Maybe afterwards we'll get the boys and bring them over here to see it."

"Yeah, let them run around and break it in."

They went back downstairs and were almost out the front door when he turned around and kissed her.

"Thanks for being my home Linds. No matter where we are."

"Thank you for being mine."

* * *

"Okay, now I have to warn you that there is always room to be inaccurate," the nurse said as she looked at the ultrasound screen. "It doesn't happen often but it's been known to happen. And baby might not give us a peek today either, so don't be too disappointed if you don't get to find out."

Lindsay and Adam both nodded, wishing she would turn the screen their way so they could see the baby. They had really wanted the three dimensional ultrasound, but they were increasingly harder to get, so a regular one was going to have to do.

"And there's your baby."

They both looked at the screen, letting their breath get taken away by such a clear profile shot. They could see everything, all the bones, the spine, the puckered lips. It was several minutes of taking measurements of the head, the arms, the legs, to make sure everything was growing properly. There was a lot of time spent watching the heart beating, more time watching the baby moving around and trying to find its thumb. The nurse spent several minutes trying to find out if it was a boy or a girl, but having no luck.

"I think you've got a stubborn one in there," she said as the baby kicked, hard. "Oh wait, I think we got something."

She captured a quick still photo and looked at it closely for a moment.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"It looks like you're having a boy."

There was a moment of silence before Lindsay burst into laughter.

"Another boy," she said, covering her mouth and shaking her head.

Adam just stared at the blurry picture on the screen his mouth agape. Sure they'd wanted a girl but now, this third little boy was all they wanted.

"Three boys. Adam, three boys."

He nodded and looked down at her, a huge smile spreading across his face.

"Our house is going to be so loud."

"I know. I can't wait."

The nurse finished up the ultrasound and soon they had their pictures and video and were on their way out the door.

"I can't believe it," Adam said, once they had gotten into the car and sat silently for a few minutes. "Another boy."

"I know. It's crazy," Lindsay agreed, smoothing her hand over her stomach. "And we're already halfway there."

"Livin' on a prayer."

She chuckled and reached over for his hand, overwhelmed by all the events of the day. Who would this baby be? Who would he look like? What would he do with his life, what would he be passionate about? They were thoughts she'd had with all her pregnancies, but after watching Colton and Ben grow, seeing how fast they developed personalities, she knew this baby would be born as his own person. December seemed so far away and she couldn't wait to finally meet him.

* * *

They drove back into Brooklyn both of them realizing that this was where they lived now. It was close to Austin and Danny's so they parked the car at the house, then walked over there to pick up the boys.

"Well?" Austin asked, throwing the door open before they had even knocked. "What's in there?"

Lindsay chuckled and looked at Adam who seemed to be nearly spilling over with pride.

"It's a boy."

Austin grinned and let them come inside.

"I lost the bet with Danny but that's totally okay," she said with a chuckle, pulling a ten dollar bill out of her pocket. "Here."

He took the money from her and raised an eyebrow.

"What's this for?"

"It's a boy."

"Alright. Adam, you're the man."

Adam chuckled as Colton and Ben crashed into his legs.

"Daddy, daddy, is it a brother or a sister? Why couldn't we go with you? I wanted to find out! What is it? Tell me daddy!"

"Well," Adam said, crouching down to their level. "You guys are going to have to be good about sharing your toys because you're going to have a little brother."

Ben smiled and clapped his hands while Colton sighed and looked down at the carpet.

"But I really, really, really wanted a sister."

"I know you did. But this will be fun too. Our house will be filled with all boy stuff, no frilly girly pink things, no dolls, no dresses. It'll be a man's house."

"Excuse me?"

"With a little bit of mama too."

"Well okay, I guess that's alright. Maybe this brother will like cars more than Ben."

"Maybe so."

"We could have a boy then. That's okay."

"I'm glad you approve duder. Get your shoes on so we can go."

The boys plopped down on the floor and struggled with their shoes for a bit before Adam crouched down to help them.

"We're having everyone over to the new house for dinner tonight. You guys coming?"

"Sure. Seven?"

"Yeah."

"We'll be there."

* * *

The kids were running circles around the main level of the house, hollering and laughing as they went while the adults sat on the floor in the dining room, eating pizza and getting conversation in between squeals of laughter.

"What do we think about installing a racetrack in the house?" Adam asked. Lindsay just looked at him for a second before ignoring his suggestion.

"Okay, guess not."

"So what are you guys going to do with that spare room?" Jo asked, swiping her pizza crust back from Mac, who chuckled.

"A guest room eventually," Lindsay started.

"But for now it'll be a nursery."

There was a long silence, long enough that all the kids ran through once, screaming.

"You're pregnant?" Jess asked finally, not sure if they were alluding to the far now or the right now now.

"Oh yeah. Thought we might as well mention that at some point."

"Okay now wait a minute here," Jo began, shaking her head. "It was like three months ago Jess and I thought you were pregnant."

"I was, I just wasn't saying anything about it."

"Let me just say that you should all be proud of me for keepin' it a secret this long," Danny piped up. "Thought I would spill the beans a long time ago."

"Yes, we're very proud of you for havin' some semblance of restraint you should have developed before you were eighteen. Brava."

Danny gave Lindsay a look and chucked a napkin at her head.

"Well Mac, looks like you're going to have another surrogate grandchild."

"I'm not sure if you're all making me old or keeping me young," he chuckled, not so secretly loving all the kids running around.

The guys moved on to talking about the house and small things that needed to be fixed before move-in, while the girls chattered about the new baby. The conversations went on for a while until one by one, all the kids stopped their running and playing and moved into their parents laps.

"I think it's time to go," Flack said as Teagan started to cry, fighting sleep, and Liam figured if his sister was going to cry, so was he. The rest of the kids were similarly grumpy, and it wasn't long before everyone had headed home.

"Guess we'd better lock up and get out of here for the night," Adam said with a yawn as they filled up the garbage bag with pizza boxes and paper plates.

"Yeah, probably."

"We're not gonna sleep in our home?" Colton asked, his hands flying to his hips and his eyebrows shooting up.

"We don't have any of our stuff here dude," Lindsay chuckled, crouching down to pick Ben up.

"But isn't this our home? Don't we live here?"

"Well yes, it's our home but we haven't moved in yet. We have to move all our stuff out of the apartment and into this house and then we can stay here."

"But I like my new room! I want to sleep in it!"

"We will. Hopefully in a week we'll be ready to move in."

"But I wanna stay here tonight!"

"Colton, I promise you we will stay here as soon as we possibly can, okay?"

He sighed and walked over to her, resting his head against her stomach.

"Life is just so frustratin' mama."

"I know. Don't worry, we'll be back."

"Yeah dude. Mama and I didn't just plunk down all the money for this house if we're not going to be back."

"Okay. I just been disappointed lots today."

Adam chuckled and leaned down to pick up his son, giving him a bear hug.

"Well maybe tomorrow won't be so disappointing."

"Maybe."

"Why don't we go home and you can go to bed and then tomorrow will be here. Look, Ben's already got a head start on sleeping."

"Okay. But we will stay here very soon, right? Qwerty could sleep in the room with me and Ben like he always does in our apartment right?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

"Let's go home but you promise we will be back for real, right?"

"I promise bud. Mama promises too."

He nodded and rested against Adam's shoulder.

"Let's go home and sleep then."

* * *

"The children are nestled all snug in their beds."

Lindsay chuckled as Adam crawled into bed next to her, kissing her forehead before collapsing against the pillows and running his hand over her stomach.

"Visions of sugar plumbs?"

"Visions of a new room is more like it."

"I'm glad they like it."

"More room to run around. And we're going to need that with another little beast on the way."

She smiled and her hand met his.

"You wanted a girl didn't you?" he asked suddenly.

"No. I mean, yeah, but I really just wanted a baby. Boy or girl didn't matter much to me."

"Lindsay, you wanted a daughter."

"So maybe I have three sons first."

"So you still want more after this?"

"Why not? Adam, I don't care. As long as they're healthy. You know what, even if they're not healthy, they're still ours. No matter if they're boys or girls or happy or sad or anything. They're our babies. That's all I really want. All I've ever wanted. Just you and me and our babies."

"That's all I want too, Linds."

"I guess it's good that we got it then, isn't it?"

"Come here."

He pulled her into his arms and kissed her softly then pulled back to look at her.

"You're beautiful," he whispered, brushing her hair back from her face, then kissing her again. "I love you."

"I love you too," she said, running her hand up and down his arm. "Thank you for giving me such a perfect life."

"Thank you for being my perfect life."


	156. Chapter 156

"I think we just brought new meaning to the phrase "Shop 'til you drop," Jo commented, sliding into the passenger seat and closing her eyes for a brief moment.

"It's that good kind of tired though," Lindsay agreed, sitting back and not starting the car.

"And I still want to go back tomorrow. There was that entire section of that antique store we didn't even look at."

"I know. I think that if I spend any more money though Adam's going to start demanding receipts and he doesn't need to know how much lemonade we bought at the flea market drink stand, now does he?"

"I totally support lying to your husband. Besides, I think you made out pretty well for getting a couch and a dining room table and all the other stuff you got for less than three hundred bucks."

"I think so too. Now I wonder if Adam's at the house so he can unload some of this stuff for me."

"He can do that and I'll make us lunch and you can put your feet up because I know they're killing you right about now."

Lindsay nodded and started the car, looking into the back to double check that they'd closed the hatch and nothing was going to tumble out on the expressway.

"I'll borrow Tyler's truck tomorrow and Mac and I can go get that couch and the table for you."

"Are you sure? It's only twenty bucks for delivery."

"I'm sure, Besides, it'll be nice to see Mac do some heavy lifting."

"Oh gross."

Jo snickered and Lindsay shook her head, turning the radio up a little.

"Nothing like some country music on a day like this."

"Nothing like country music, period."

"Of course, this is the version where Ludacris raps in the middle of it."

"Who?"

"Jo, you've got to get out more."

"I spent a lot of my young life getting out, I don't have the energy for that anymore."

"You're not that old, woman."

"I feel that old occasionally."

"Well maybe. But so do I."

"Very funny Lindsay. Very funny."

The drive back took another twenty minutes and by the time they arrived at the house they had both slipped into soft southern twangs, singing along with the country greats and rolling the windows down for the fresh air. Adam had said he was on his way to the house with the boys and some groceries and he'd unload the car for them.

They were slowly getting things moved in, Danny and Adam had spent an entire day making trips back and forth with boxes and the apartment was almost completely cleared out. There were just a few big pieces of furniture left. The house needed to be painted still and Adam wasn't going to let Lindsay do it, but she refused to set things up until the walls were done, so they were at an impasse. It had been a slightly grumpy conversation before she'd left that morning, ending with her arms crossed over her chest while he hugged her and told her they could paint next summer, but he wasn't going to have her do it while she was pregnant. She didn't like it, but that was the way things worked and she was just going to have to live with it. The paint she'd bought already would still be good in a year so it didn't matter too much.

They pulled up outside the house and got out of the car, grabbing the few things they could out of the car before heading inside. Adam and the boys arrived just as they got to the door, so they waited for him to come and open it.

"Geez babe, did you buy out every flea market from here to Timbucktu?"

"No," she answered shortly while he struggled with the new key. He threw a look at her over his shoulder and she half scowled back, knowing that there was no reason that they should still be upset with each other, but not ready to forget the frustrations either.

"Mama, what did you get?"

"Just a couple things. I'll show you when we get inside."

"We should hurry, I gotta go pee."

"How polite of you to say."

"Sorry. I mean I need to take a leak."

Jo snickered as Adam finally got the door open and they stepped inside.

"What the heck?" he mumbled, stopping in the doorway.

"What?"

"We have painter elves."

Lindsay peeked around him and saw that the living room walls were now the light blue she had picked out.

"Adam…"

"I had nothing to do with this."

"I told you they were comin' back!" Austin hollered, coming around the corner, her clothes covered in different colors of paint, with one green streak on her nose. "Hey guys."

"Austin, did you do what I think you did?"

"Yes and we sang painting songs while we did it."

"You Lorelai'd my house!"

"It wasn't because of a ratty transgression, but it was because I love you. We started at the top and worked down and the guys are just taking all the tape off."

"Are you serious?" she asked, stepping into the living room.

"Yep. And we might have spilled a little bit of paint on the floor but…"

"Leave it. I like it like that."

Austin chuckled as Lindsay surveyed the room, suddenly overcome with hormones and gratitude, not able to stop herself from tearing up.

"Oh you big blubber," Austin chuckled, shoving Lindsay's shoulder.

"Oh you big boy," Lindsay shot back, wiping her eyes.

"You only had to say "well that happened" one time for me to know what happened and that you needed a little help."

"I owe you big time."

"Make me some of that apple pie and we'll be even."

"You did everything? Like… really?"

"Yeah. Started last night, slept a few hours, finished this morning. Flack and I only got in one paint fight and Jess only had to grab Danny by the ear once. It was quite successful."

"I can't even…"

"Come upstairs, you need to see how it looks. We've been airing it out all night so it's not paint-fumey anymore."

Lindsay set her handful of purchases on the floor and followed Austin up the stairs.

"Hey Aust?"

"Yeah?"

"Y'all got a paint handprint on your butt."

"Daniel Dominic Messer!"

They heard a loud manly laughter from around the corner, then reached the top of the stairs where Jess was standing with a paint handprint on her chest.

"Um, Jess…"

"Don't say one word."

"Long night?"

"Men are infantile."

Lindsay giggled as they rounded the corner and went up the last flight of stairs. The green she'd picked out for the bedroom looked even better than she'd imagined and she stood there for a moment, taking it all in.

"You like it?"

"It's… perfect."

"Well you picked it, we just did the messy part. Do you feel a little less stressed out now?"

"Much less. Thank you."

"We just didn't want you to go into early labor due to frustration with your husband."

"I appreciate that."

* * *

"So what did you get?"

"Just some stuff," Lindsay replied, putting the groceries into the fridge while the boys laid on the floor in the entry way filling their coloring books with scribbles.

"Are you still mad at me?"

"I wasn't mad at you."

"That crisper drawer would beg to differ babe. You're mad at me."

"I'm not mad, I'm irritated."

"Because I wanted you to not be irritated and that irritated you?"

"Adam," she sighed, tipping her head back and leaning it against the counter while closing her eyes. It only took about two seconds for her to realize what she had done and by then it was too late to fix it because he'd already stepped closer and pressed his lips to her neck.

"I'm tryin' to make up here," he whispered, settling his hands on her hips. "You're not makin' it easier."

"So you think you're going to seduce me and I'll forget the argument?"

"Isn't that what normally happens?"

"Adam."

She said it a little more firmly and he backed off a little, still keeping his hands on her.

"Could you please just try to listen to me when I'm stressed out?"

"Yes. I'm sorry, it's just sometimes the joking around makes it easier on you. I forget that sometimes that's not the best way to do things. I'm sorry sweetie."

"It's okay. I should have told you I didn't want to joke about it."

"Okay. Are we fine now?"

"We're fine now. What else do we need to get done today?"

"I was going to put the boys beds together, but that means I'd have to put ours together se we can stay here tonight. And if that's the case we're going to have to unpack all our clothes and bathroom stuff and I don't know if you have the energy for that."

"I'm game if you're game. Is our bed even here?"

"Yeah, Danny helped me bring it upstairs when you took the boys to the park."

"I guess we could stay here tonight. What's left at the apartment?"

"Just the entertainment center and the piano and the cat and the dog."

"Maybe we should go get the cat and the dog. Lest they kill each other or conspire against us."

"I can run home and get them while you make dinner, then put the beds together while the boys have a bath. And maybe on the way home I'll stop and get a pie that we can eat once they're asleep."

"You're a good planner, babe."

"Been married to you long enough. Might as well learn something."

She smiled and hugged him, feeling all the stress go away.

"So really, what did you buy today?"

"I got a new kitchen table because ours is small. I got a couch but it needs to be recovered. I found desks for the boys and a couple other odds and ends."

"I'll ask how much you spent later. Do I have enough time to run and get the pets?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Gonna take a kid with you?"

"Yeah. Colton, you want to come with me?"

"Okay daddy. Ben, don't color my pages."

"'Kay."

They left the house and Ben looked up at Lindsay, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

"Hey mama?"

"Hey Ben?"

"Hungry."

"I know. I'm going to start dinner in a few minutes."

He stood up and walked over to her, climbing up on the stool and sitting down on the counter.

"Something on your mind?"

"Our house?"

"Yes, this is our house."

"Two house?"

"No, we don't have two houses. Our old house is going to be someone else's new house."

"Oh! Ben and Cole sleep 'stairs?"

"Yes, you sleep upstairs in that nice bedroom in your own bed with those brand new big boy sheets."

"Mama and daddy 'stairs?"

"Daddy and I sleep up some more stairs, that's right."

"Far 'way."

"Ben are you scared of being too far away from me and daddy at night?"

He nodded his head and she chuckled, hugging him tightly.

"It will be okay honey. Colton will be in the same room as you and so will Qwerty. And if you need me in the night all you have to do is call for me, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll tell you what. If you feel like you're too scared and you can't sleep tonight, then you can come and sleep with me and daddy for just one night. Okay?"

"Ben brave mama."

"That's my boy. Want to help me make dinner?"

"Nope."

"You want to sit there and watch while I make dinner?"

"Yep," he giggled stealing a grape out of the bowl. "Kiss, mama."

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him, then found some hot dogs in the fridge and set them on the counter before filling a pot with water and putting it on the stove.

"Hothots, mama?"

"Yes, hot dogs. Daddy didn't do the greatest shopping in the world but at least he got something I can turn into dinner."

"Mac-oni?"

"You want some macaroni?"

"Yeah!"

"If daddy got some, I'll make some."

He nodded and continued to eat grapes, peeling them and dropping the skins into the sink before popping them in his mouth. Lindsay had never seen such behavior before, but she didn't mind it, and continued to make dinner until Adam and Colton returned.

"Daddy, Chewy is trying to get away!"

"You can let him down now. All the doors are closed, he won't get out of the house."

Colton dropped the cat on the floor and they watched him run and hide behind some boxes.

"I thought we could eat outside tonight."

"Maybe. We'll have to watch it though, I think it might storm."

"Okay. Ready in a few minutes."

* * *

"Mama!"

Lindsay sighed and rubbed her eyes, wishing she could just tell Ben to tough it out. She had no idea he would be up so many times in the night. The thunderstorm probably didn't help but he'd slept through them before.

"Want me to get him?" Adam offered, rolling over and going back to sleep.

"Absolutely dear, please get up and tend to your child."

He didn't move and she sighed.

"Don't worry babe, I'll do it."

"Mama!"

She got out of bed and spent a moment regaining her balance before making her way to the boys room. Ben was sitting up in bed, sniffling with his knees pulled up to his chest.

"What's the matter now baby?"

"Scary!"

"What are you scared of?"

He hiccupped and she sighed, pulling the blankets down and settling him beneath them again.

"Okay, it's time for sleep."

"Mama stay."

"No, you need to learn to sleep by yourself."

"Big bed! Mama say!"

"Well mama changed her mind. You need to learn to sleep in here. There's nothing scary in the house."

He sniffled and her heart broke for him. She knew it was important for him to learn to sleep in his own bed, but tonight neither one of them was going to get any sleep if they kept doing this.

"Okay, I'll sleep with you tonight okay? But tomorrow you sleep in here by yourself like a big boy, alright?"

He nodded and she laid down, yawning while he snuggled as close to her as he could. She rubbed his back up and down, the same way she did for Adam when he couldn't sleep. Ben sighed and put his thumb in his mouth and she watched him in the soft glow of the nightlight as he fell asleep. She was suddenly struck with how hard this three kids thing was going to be. It was hard enough with two, stretching her time between them, making sure they both had what they needed. How was she going to do it with an infant too? She knew how much time babies take, she knew how hard it was, especially those first few weeks with little sleep. It wasn't often that she wished for her mom, but she knew she was going to need an extra pair of hands while Adam was at work.

It could have been exhaustion or the stress of the day or hormones or everything put together, but soon a wave of tears overtook her. Her shoulders shook and she tried to be quiet, but soon she felt a tiny hand on her shoulder.

"Mama? What's the matter? Why are you crying? Are you sick again?"

"No baby," she assured as Colton crawled up into bed with them. "It's just been a long day."

"Do you like our house?"

"I love our house."

"You still happy about the baby?"

"Yeah, I am. It's just kind of scary."

"Why? You think you will drop him?"

"No," she chuckled. "I just worry that I won't have enough time for you and Ben and the baby."

"You will have time, mama. I can help take care of Ben and the new brother. Then I could stay up later than them and you can have time left for me."

She smiled and hugged him as best she could in the position she was laying in.

"It will be all okay and happy mama. You will see."

He kissed her cheek then went back to his own bed. He was right. It would be okay and happy afterall.


	157. Chapter 157

A/N: It seems that some people missed chapter 155… so if you did, It's A Boy! And really that was all the importance in that one, so you didn't miss a ton. Anyway, yes. Three boys.

* * *

It had been a half hour of yelling and giggling from the back seat as they drove towards the ocean, and Adam was about to suggest a round of the quiet game when the boys finally settled down.

"Wow, that's the ocean!" Colton announced, pointing out the window. "It's so huge!"

"Huge!" Ben echoed, leaning over as far as he could. "Water!"

"Ben, get outta my space."

"Colton."

"I mean Ben could you not be so close to me please?"

"Okay."

Lindsay snuck a peek at them to make sure that they were alright, then settled back against the seat, closing her eyes. She hadn't been able to shake the exhaustion, and she was glad it was that instead of nausea still, but it didn't make the day to day any easier. Sometimes fresh air helped though, so off they went to the beach for the day.

Colton was starting school in two weeks then she was headed off to Montana and it would only be a few months before the baby would be born. It was going so fast and she really needed some time to focus on the family as it was now, to try and prepare them for the addition.

"Daddy, are you gonna stop the car so we can play?"

"Yeah, just a little further."

"Babe, the ocean is right there," Lindsay half whined, looking longingly at the wide blue ocean and the warm sand and the very sparsely populated beach.

"I know that."

"Where are we going?"

"Just a little further."

She sighed, knowing he was probably looking for a good parking space and the several they had passed weren't good enough. It would have frustrated her if she didn't trust his judgment so much. That didn't mean she wasn't curious though.

"Honey," she started gently. "I thought we were going to the beach, not just driving by the beach."

"Don't you recognize this place?" he asked, pulling into a lot and parking. She looked around for a second then smiled.

"Of course I do."

"What is this place daddy?" Colton asked, knowing somehow that they weren't just talking about the beach.

"Well a long, long time ago I brought your mama here and I asked her to marry me."

"Oh," Colton said, nodding his head. "This is where our family started huh?"

"Yes, it is."

"Hey Ben, if it weren't for this beach Ben, we wouldn't be at this beach!"

"Very astute observation son," Adam chuckled. "But I think mama would have said yes no matter where I took her."

"Oh. Can we go on the beach now?"

"Yeah, let's go."

They got out of the car, figuring they could leave everything in the trunk until they needed it, then walked down to the sand. Colton stepped in it and stopped, turning around to look at Lindsay.

"Mama, this feels bizarre."

"Why?"

"Because the ground is moving!"

She chuckled and set Ben in the sand, watching to see if he would freak out. Instead he knelt down and grabbed a handful of sand, letting it slide through his fingers.

"Wow," he whispered, looking at the grains of sand that remained stuck to his skin. "Look!"

"I see. Come on buddy lets get closer to the water."

He stood up and took her hand, giggling at the game of chase that Adam and Colton were already having. They splashed through the water happily and Ben whooped, then let go of Lindsay's hand, running over to join them. She grinned and sat down in the sand, watching her boys play together and imagining next time, when there would be one more little boy there, thinking his daddy was a superhero.

* * *

After a second coat of sunscreen (which wasn't doing very much, considering the boys had both already turned a shade darker) and a sandwich, the boys were happily constructing castles in the semi-wet sand, while Lindsay and Adam looked through baby name books. They'd started out with every A name that ended with N and were now paring it down to the ones they could at least pronounce. It wasn't a very long list, and neither one of them had found anything they really loved.

"So what survived?" Adam asked, moving over onto his stomach.

"Aaron, Aiken, Allen, Anakin-"

"Don't make that face Linds, it's a real name."

"Ashton, Aspen, and Auden."

"And you don't like any of those."

"I love the galactic empire, but I am not naming my son after Darth Vader."

"Darth Vader killed Anakin, babe."

"Oh my word. You know what I mean."

"This would be easier if you were a girl," he said, leaning over to kiss her stomach.

"You know… no one has to know about our pattern," she said suddenly.

"Linds."

"I know, it will drive us both crazy. I don't actually hate the name Aaron. It's kind of nice."

"I don't mind Aiken."

"What does that mean?"

He flipped back through the book and chuckled.

"Little Adam."

"It does not."

"Yes it does. There it is in plain English babe. It also means oak trees. Strong name."

"Okay, it makes the cut."

"Really?"

"I like it. I don't know if I'm completely sold on it, but close enough."

He smiled and closed the baby book, knowing that would be the name they stuck with. Usually it was the first name they both liked. There hadn't even been discussion about Ben's name, just an offhanded suggestion that had gone onto the birth certificate without another thought.

"How are you feeling lately?" he asked, encompassing inquiry about the pregnancy and her mental health all in one.

"Just tired," she sighed. "Happy though."

"You've been kind of quiet."

"I guess. I'm just trying to figure out how this three kids things works. I've asked Austin but she's been annoyingly vague, which I suppose is only fair since I did the same thing to her before Isa was born, but I'm a little scared."

"What are you scared of?"

"Just not having enough time for three. When the baby is crying and Colton needs help on his homework and Ben is hiding in the corner again because he feels left out, how do I stretch myself that thin?"

"You don't. I'm not taking off on you hon."

"I know that. But there's going to be days when you're at work and I need extra hands."

"I don't know what to tell you. I just trust that we're going to figure it out. Both of us. Maybe some days the homework will have to wait so the boys can play while you take care of the baby. Maybe Ben is going to have to learn to entertain himself. Maybe you're going to have to feed the baby with one hand and read a story with the other. You'll do it. You'll juggle."

"I just don't want someone to get left out. I don't want Ben to be Jan Brady and Colton to feel like he missed out on his childhood because he was helping me take care of his brothers."

"Lindsay, that's not going to happen. You won't let it."

"Thank you."

"You're going to be amazing."

"I really hope you're… Boys what are you doing?" she exclaimed, sitting up.

"We's makin' rivers!" Colton answered while he and Ben peed in the sand.

"Why do you think it's okay to go to the bathroom outside?"

"I didn't see a toilet no where," Colton shrugged. Lindsay buried her face in her hands while Adam chuckled.

"An amazing mother would have seen that coming."

She snorted a laugh and shoved his shoulder.

"Sometimes I hate you a little."

* * *

"Ben stop it!"

"Cole stop!"

"Don't copy me!"

"No push!"

"Ow, don't pinch me! It's my toy!"

"Mine!"

"Mama!"

Lindsay stood up and took the shovel from them. They knew the rules. Fighting over a toy meant that no one got the toy and they had to find something else to play with. Ben shrieked and flopped down onto the ground, sand collecting on his tear stained face and sticking to his glasses.

"Benjamin Ryan Ross."

He popped his head up and looked at her, sniffling while she took his glasses off.

"No! Ben glasses!"

"I know they're your glasses but I need to clean them off or they'll get scratched."

He sniffled again as she poured some of the tepid water from their water bottle over the frames, clearing the sand from them, then using her shirt to dry them.

"There, all better."

"Are you boys grumpy enough that we need to go home without dinner?" Adam asked, looking from one son to the other. "Or do we just need to take a walk down the beach?"

"A walk!" Colton decided, jumping up from the sand. "I wanna walk all the way to there where they are flying kites. Can we?"

"Yeah, we can. Come on Ben, you can ride on my shoulders."

"Yay!"

They began to walk, Ben laughing at his new perspective, and Colton holding his parents hands, running and jumping so he could swing between them.

"Have you ever flied a kite before, mama?"

"A very long time ago, when I was your age. Uncle Freddy taught me how."

"I want to do it someday. Have you did it daddy?"

"No, I don't think so."

Colton thought for a moment, his brow furrowed in concentration.

"Hey daddy, could you and me learn together? It could be our projec'!"

"Yeah, it could. I'll have to find us a kite and a good place to do it, but we'll definitely try to learn together."

"Okay daddy. I am so happy for that."

They walked a little farther and watched the kites for several minutes before the boys got bored and insisted they go back to their spot so they could "bury daddy in the sand like a mummy."

The sun was getting ready to set and they should probably have been thinking about going home, but it had been such a warm, wonderful day, they didn't really want to leave. There were several groups of people on the beach that had started bonfires, and Lindsay wished they would have thought of that too. There was nothing better than firelight after a long day, and she wondered if there would be time for a little fire in their fireplace when they got home.

"Um, excuse me," a teenage girl said as she approached them. "I uh… I took this picture of you guys when you were walking and um… I wanted to give it to you."

She handed Lindsay a Polaroid picture, then gave them a smile and disappeared back into a group of teenagers.

It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing Lindsay had ever seen in her life and she stared at it for what felt like hours, completely enraptured by the image of their little family.

It was just them walking down the beach, laughing together as the sun illuminated them from behind. Adam was looking down at Colton who had his feet kicked up in a jump. Lindsay had one hand on her small baby bump while she looked up at Ben who was laughing at his big brother. It wasn't anything really special, but it warmed her heart and brought a tear to her eye to think that such a beautiful moment had been witnessed by a stranger who had been compelled to capture just a split second and share it with them. It was one of the best gifts she had ever received, and interestingly enough, the first picture of their entire family of five together.

* * *

"But I don't want to leave!" Colton wailed, hiccupping as if they had told him that he would never again see the light of day.

"It's getting late and you needed to go to bed, so it's time to go," Lindsay said softly, drawing Colton to her side. He buried his face against her stomach and cried desperately wanting just a little more time at the beach.

"I know it's hard to leave honey, but we need to get home. The beach will always be here, I promise. We'll be back soon. We'll try to come back once more time before it gets too cold, okay?"

"Could Isa and Sarah come next time?"

"Maybe. We'll have to see. But for right now it's time to go."

"Can I bring my driftwood home?"

"Yeah, daddy already put it in the car."

"I wanna make something with it. Can we?"

"We can try. Come on, let's go."

She took his hand and walked with him back to the car, letting him stop and give the beach one last look before they got in the car.

"Ben want a toy," came Ben's quiet voice as he sighed and looked out the window.

"No toys this trip buddy," Adam said, closing the trunk. Ben shrugged and continued playing with the shells he had collected while Colton climbed into his head and buckled himself in.

"You wanna go back to the beach Ben? Later? We could try to stay forever."

"Ben want a toy."

"No, I was askin' 'bout the beach. You don't listen."

"Colton, stop being cranky with your brother."

The boys both sighed as Adam started the car and headed for the road.

"Ben want toy."

"We could play toys when we get home 'cuz mama says we need a bath. We could play with our bath toys. You could have one of the squirties and I will have the other one, Ben."

There was a long silence and Lindsay figured they had come to an agreement and had moved on from the horror of being taken away from the beach.

"Dammit!" Ben shouted suddenly. "Ben want toy!"

A silence passed over the car and Lindsay and Adam looked at each other, wondering where he had heard that word and how he knew to use it that way. They were careful with their language in front of the boys, especially in anger. It didn't really bother them as much as it surprised them.

"Well Ben, you're not gonna get a toy now!" Colton chuckled, shaking his head. Ben sighed and covered his face with his hands.

"I think we need music," Adam suggested, not sure what else to say at that point. He turned the radio on and Lindsay hooked up the iPod, putting it on shuffle. It wasn't long before they were all singing along to classic rock and Lindsay was laughing at the fact that Colton knew every word to "Don't Stop Believin'."

It was dark out, almost ten o'clock when they arrived home, hot, sandy and all in need of bed. Adam was quite possibly more dirty than the rest of them, as he had been a good sport and let the boys bury him in the sand. They trudged inside, the boys cranky upon finding out that they couldn't have a snack before bed, and dropped all their stuff by the back door.

"I'll clean it up tomorrow," Lindsay shrugged, taking Ben's shoes off and trying not to get too much sand on the floor. "Okay boys, let's go take baths."

They ran up stairs and stripped down quickly, standing by the tub while it filled.

"Mama, I got sand in my toes," Colton said. "And in my hair. And my armpits!"

Ben laughed loudly at that as Lindsay lifted him into the tub. The boys splashed around happily for a while until she managed to settle them down enough to at least get a little soap on them. Their skin had turned so dark in just one day and she could swear that Ben's hair was just a little lighter. They both looked like farmer boys and she wanted to stick cowboy hats and bandanas on them just for fun.

"Hey boys, the baby's moving," she announced as the baby rolled over and over. Colton squealed and his hand shot out to touch her stomach.

"Oh wow. He's wrestling in there! Ben feel the baby!"

Ben touched her stomach hesitantly, staring in awe when he felt movement.

"Baby?"

"Yeah, that's your little brother in there."

Ben nodded and took his hand off her belly, not sure what to make of the whole thing.

"Oh, he stopped. Did he go to sleep?"

"Probably. And it's time for you two to go to sleep too."

"Can you read to us mama?"

"I'll read you one book and then it's time for sleep, okay?"

She got the boys out of the tub and dried them off, applying just a little aloe to the apples of their cheeks where the sun had been more harsh. They still smelled like sunscreen and ocean air and she breathed them in as she dressed them and tucked them into their beds. She was willing to read a story, but they were both yawning and fighting sleep as she leaned down to kiss them.

"Goodnight Benjamin."

"'Night. Ben love mama."

"I love you too."

She waited until he closed his eyes and his head dropped to the side before she went over to Colton's bed.

"That was the most funnest day, mama," he sighed. "I like when we is our whole family together."

"Me too."

"I am so happy for the baby to come. I will teach him so many things mama. I will give him lots of cuddles too."

"I know you will."

He reached over and touched her stomach again, sighing.

"I love you baby. See you soon."

Lindsay leaned down and kissed him, then shut off their light and went back into the bathroom. She could hear Adam cleaning up and locking the doors downstairs, and she loved the feeling of safety that rose within her as she thought about how he took care of them.

She took a quick cool shower and toweled her hair dry, smiling at the blonde sun streaks that ran through the curls.

"You done in there?" Adam asked, meeting her outside the bathroom door.

"Yeah. I'm going to bed."

"Okay. I'll be up in a few."

She leaned up and kissed him before heading up to their bedroom. He'd brought the Polaroid picture up to their room and left it on her nightstand and she grabbed it and the barely used baby book before climbing into bed and turning her lamp on. She looked at the picture for a long time, taking in every tiny detail, letting her breath get taken away by the absolute beauty of it. She kept it next to her as she opened the baby book to the first page, where she had been occasionally writing things to the baby. The pen twirled between her fingers as Adam came into the room, sighing and laying down beside her.

"Tired?"

"Yeah," she answered as he rolled over onto his stomach. "Want me to turn the light off?"

"Nah, it's fine. I'll be asleep in five minutes anyway."

"Okay. Goodnight."

"Goodnight sweetie."

She watched him for a moment, then reached out to run her hand up and down his back while she wrote.

_We went to the beach today and I think we all agree that we can't wait until the time when you get to go with us. The closer your arrival gets the more I am aware of how much we need you in our family. I can't wait to see what you're going to be like and as much as I love you now, already, I know that this is only going to explode the moment I lay eyes on you. Your daddy can't wait to have you here and he often talks about what it's going to be like as a family of five. He is the best daddy in the world and he loves you kids so much, he would do anything for you. Your big brothers are thrilled too (well Colton is, Ben just doesn't quite know what to think. He's the strong silent type). They've already been planning games to play with you and I don't have the heart to tell them how little you're going to be when you're born. And as for me? I am the luckiest woman in the world. I am aware of your presence every single day and feeling you move has been the best experience of my life. I can't wait to meet you, and I promise to always love you, no matter what._

She placed the picture into the baby book and shut the light off, snuggling down into the bed and closing her eyes, as tomorrow was going to be just as wonderful as today had been.


	158. Chapter 158

"Mama?"

Lindsay opened her eyes and sighed, seeing that it was still dark outside. Colton was leaning against the bed, his face pressed close to hers and she could barely see him in the darkness but she knew exactly the look he had on his face.

"What time is it?"

"Four oh, oh," he replied, looking at the clock.

"It's too early to be up."

"But mama… I can't remember my teacher's name!"

"Well it's four in the morning so I can't either."

"But mama!"

She sighed and yawned, clearing her mind a little.

"Her name is Mrs. Lawrence. Go to bed."

"Mama?"

"What?"

"Does she gots a daughter named Topanga?"

"I doubt it."

"Mama?"

"What?"

"Is her name Topanga?"

"What?"

"Is she married to Cory?"

"Son," Adam started, rolling over. "If she was married to Cory her name would be Mrs. Matthews. Now go to sleep."

"You got a point, daddy," he sighed. "Can I please sleep in this bed for a while?"

He was climbing up onto the bed before they could even decide and he wiggled himself between them.

"Hey dude I was here first," Adam grumbled as he had to move his hand off of Lindsay's stomach.

"Sorry daddy. I need to have snuggles this morning because my tummy is very, very upset."

"Are you nervous about school?"

"Yeah. I just don't want to make enemies, you know? And what if I'm not smart and the other kids are? What if my teacher is mean? What if I get lost going to the bathroom? What if I don't learn enough and then I can't go to college and be a doctor? What if I never am a doctor just because I was so bad at kindergarten?"

"Aw bud," Adam chuckled, wrapping his arms around his son and kissing his head. "It's going to be just fine. Kindergarten is just to get you ready for real school. It's like the first level of a video game. It might be kind of hard at first but the more you do it the easier it will be. You don't worry about the other kids, okay? You just go and learn all you can and have fun. That's your only job when you're a kid. Okay?"

"What was it like when you went to kindergarten the first day, daddy?"

"It was a little scary, but I made some friends and I had a really good teacher. I liked kindergarten a lot."

"Yeah, I did too," Lindsay agreed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I got to go do something all by myself, without my mom and dad or my brothers. I learned to read in kindergarten. And once you learn to read buddy, you can go on an adventure whenever you want to."

"I can?"

"Of course," Adam said with a nod. "Once you can read, you can read any book in the world and you can get into any story you want. You could read about spending the night in a museum or hunting a great white whale, or you could solve mysteries."

"How many days until I could read?" he asked, suddenly excited about school instead of nervous.

"Well it's going to take some time and hard work, but you should be able to read a little bit by the time Christmas comes."

"That means you will buy me books for Christmas right?"

"If you wanted some books I bet we could."

"I want so many," he yawned. "I want to read all your favorite books so I could go on your adventures too."

"Okay. Get some more sleep, it's going to be a long day."

Colton drifted off after a few moments and Adam looked over at Lindsay to see how she was feeling about the whole thing. She looked so sad laying there, watching Colton as he slept and holding his hand.

"Babe?"

"He's getting so big," she whispered. "He was a baby, like three days ago. And now look at him. He's a little man. I can't believe how fast he grew up."

"He's not completely grown up yet honey."

"I know. I guess I just don't know what comes next really. It's as scary for me as it is for him."

"I know. I always wonder if I'm doing a good job. Teaching him to be a good man and a good person. It's so much responsibility and it gets heavier every day."

"I know. But I don't worry about the kind of men they'll be. Because they have you and if all they ever do is watch what you do and then go out and be just the kind of man they see you being, then they will be very good men."

He just smiled, not sure exactly what to say.

"Think we can get a couple more hours of sleep before he's up again?"

"We can give it the old college try."

"Kindergarten try."

* * *

"Well what do you want to wear?" Lindsay asked, exasperatedly tossing another polo shirt into the drawer.

"I dunno."

"Well if you don't know what you want to wear how do you know what you don't want to wear?"

"I'm so smart mama."

She snorted and shook her head.

"Okay, why don't you take five minutes and find something to wear while I make your breakfast."

"Oatmeal please, mama. With flax in it for crunchy."

"Yes, sir," she said, giving him a salute before leaving the room and starting down the stairs. The phone was ringing when she entered the kitchen, and she grabbed a pot out of the cupboard before answering it.

"Hello?"

"Hey. Isa's asking if we can meet you guys at your house and walk to the school instead of meeting you there. I think she's a little nervous."

"Yeah, that's fine. What is she wearing?"

"Jeans and a t-shirt. I figured she'd be more comfortable in something she picked."

"You're so smart. I just gave up."

"You guys still want to do brunch like a bunch of yuppies afterwards?"

"Yeah, I think so. Are you as nervous as I am about this whole thing?"

"Yes. I was pretty nauseous all night long. I can't believe they're this old."

"It's ridiculous."

"I think they're taking it better than we are," Austin chuckled. "Isa's jumping on the bed, singing some song about crayons and cubbies and recess."

"I'm not surprised."

"We'll meet you at your place in like twenty minutes?"

"Yeah, that should work."

They hung up just as the water in the pot came to a boil and Colton galloped down the stairs. He was wearing a Star Wars t-shirt with an unbuttoned short sleeved flannel over the top, a pair of Levi's and some cowboy boots.

"You look like daddy," Lindsay commented with a grin.

"That's what I was aiming for. Is my breakfast ready?"

"Almost. Why don't you get your backpack and make sure you have everything you need?"

He dashed into the back room and grabbed his Yankees bag off the hook by the door, then brought it back to the kitchen, climbing up on one of the stools at the counter.

"What's this paper, mama?"

"It's those questions your teacher wanted you to answer, remember?"

He nodded and looked down at it, not able to read it, but remembering the kinds of questions that were on the sheet. He'd answered questions about his family and friends, things he liked to do and what he hoped to learn in school. It wasn't clear to him why his teacher needed to know those things, but he hadn't minded being interviewed about his life. It made him feel quite important.

Lindsay placed a bowl of oatmeal in front of him and repacked his bag while he ate.

"Where's daddy and Ben?"

"They went for a walk to go get a newspaper. Do you want some banana too?"

"Mama, if you feed me too much I will throw up on the tire swing later!"

"Okay, that's fine."

He ate quickly, then let out a huge burp, laughing hysterically at the look on Lindsay's face.

"That was gross."

"Mama, I heard you do bigger ones."

"You have not. I'm a lady."

"Daddy says you score a ten."

She giggled and started to clean up the dishes as Adam and Ben returned.

"Mama, we go!" Ben hollered, handing her the paper. "Outside in sun!"

"I know, it's a really nice day isn't it?"

"Yep. See Dunner now?"

"In a little while. Do you want some oatmeal?"

"Nu-uh," he answered, climbing up on the stool next to Colton. "Hi Cole."

"Hey Ben. Do you wish for to come to school with me?"

"Yep!"

"Maybe I could take you for show and tell! I don't got nothing else cool to take."

"Ben cool?"

"Yeah Ben, you're cool."

"Mama! Daddy! Ben cool! Cole say!"

They chuckled at his enthusiasm, and Lindsay felt a pit start to form in her stomach as she wondered how the boys would handle being apart more often. They might bicker and fight over toys, but they really did love each other and didn't really enjoy spending time away from each other.

Colton finished his breakfast and jumped down from the stool, then stopped to help Ben down too.

"When are we going to leave for school?"

"When Isa gets here in a little while."

"Do we have time to play?"

"Yeah, but don't make a mess."

They ran off into the other room and Adam leaned against the counter, chuckling.

"Don't make a mess?"

"I know it fell on deaf ears but at least I tried."

"Could be said for so many things."

"Like "Adam why don't you ever put your dirty boxers in the hamper?" Things like that?"

"Or like when you tell yourself you can only have one piece of pie."

"I'm pregnant, I can eat whatever I want."

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her.

"You're a hottie with a body."

"Thanks."

He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him, feeling the baby kick ferociously as his space was invaded.

"He's a fighter," she said as a foot was placed firmly against her lungs.

"He gets that from you."

She smiled and kissed him, holding onto his biceps as he dipped her just the slightest bit.

"Wooing me?"

"Always."

"Don't you think I've been sufficiently wooed?"

"Nope. I'm going to woo you so hard…"

She snorted and he let her stand up, releasing her just as the Messers came in the front door.

"Indy!"

"Isa!"

"You like my outfit?"

"I do. Did you and Colton plan to dress the same?"

"Yep. Last night on Skype. But he wanted to wear boots and I wanted Chucks."

"Oh, I see."

"Hey Indy," Isa whispered, crooking her finger. Lindsay leaned down and smiled at the whispered secret. "I am so excited for school."

"I know you are. Should we go now?"

"Yep. Colt come on!" she shouted. "Let's go!"

* * *

The sun was shining and the birds were singing and everything said that this was going to be a perfect day. But for two mamas, there were dark rainclouds over everything. They watched as their kids held hands and walked down the sidewalk, chattering excitedly to each other. It was bittersweet to watch them all grown up, about to embark on a new part of their lives that their mamas couldn't regulate.

"I wonder if it's like this every time or just the first," Austin sighed.

"I hope just the first. I don't want to do this two more times."

They were quickly approaching the school and Colton and Isa were slowing down a little, the reality of it all sinking in. They were going to have to do this alone. Without the other kids, without their parents. Just each other. That's all they were going to have. They stood at the door of the school, a door they'd walked through only once before to meet their teacher and see their classroom and suddenly all the preparing wasn't enough. Neither one of them wanted to look back at their parents, neither one of them wanted to show fear, but their grip on each other's hands tightened exponentially.

"Are you guys ready?"

They both snapped to attention at Danny's voice, nodding solemnly as he opened the door for them. It was just as they remembered it, with colorful paintings and drawings on the walls, lots of art supplies and books and desks arranged in squares of four. There were names on all the desks and the kids hesitantly looked around for their names, finding them close to each other through alphabetical order, but they would be sitting back to back.

They were greeted by their teacher who knelt down and put them at ease within seconds, telling them what they were going to do that day. It didn't take long before they were sitting in their desks, unloading their backpacks and organizing things just how they wanted them. They looked so confident, so happy, that everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. Sarah wandered over and checked out the set up while Ben and Junior begged to leave because this was not fun anymore.

All too soon, the clock ticked and it was time to leave. Danny and Adam both crouched down to give their kids hugs and words of advice, then wrangled the other kids into the hallway. Lindsay and Austin took a few minutes longer, telling the kids how much they loved them and would miss them and how much fun kindergarten would be. It was almost getting to the point that the teacher was going to have to shoo them out of the room, so with final hugs and kisses, they joined the rest of the family in the hallway.

"You two gonna blubber or can we go get breakfast?" Adam asked, stopping Ben from pushing the water fountain button again.

"Breakfast," they answered together. Just breakfast and soon it would be time to pick the kids up again.

* * *

"I remember my first day of kindergarten," Danny said, swirling the last of his coffee around in his mug while Sarah bounced around in his lap. "My ma wouldn't leave, kept telling me how I was her baby, kissin' me in front of the other kids. I was so glad when she left I don't even remember the rest of the day."

"My mom was like that too," Adam agreed with a chuckle. "I thought she was going to turn around and take me right back home."

"I told my mom to high tail it out of there before I screamed that she was a crazy woman trying to kidnap me," Austin added with a laugh. "She left and came back late to pick me up, just to teach me a lesson."

Lindsay smiled along with them, but for the first time she really realized how different her first day of kindergarten had been. Her mother hadn't been there. She'd been off who knew where, doing who knew what, at a time when Lindsay had really needed her. She felt a surge of resentment, as she often did when she thought of that one year without her mother.

"Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"Your first day of school?"

"Oh. Um… my mom wasn't there," she said quickly. "But my dad took me and he sat in the hallway outside my classroom all morning. When I came out he'd rolled the bill of his baseball hat so far that he couldn't wear it."

"Worried that you wouldn't be able to hold your own?"

"More like worried some poor kid would look at me wrong and I'd use those fighting skills my brothers taught me."

"So basically he's still stranglin' his hat?" Danny asked with a chuckle.

"Basically."

"I remember some kid that sat in the back row of my class made farting noises all morning," Adam said with a laugh. "The teacher couldn't figure out which kid it was and no one was going to rat on him because he was a bully, so she just had to try and teach over the top of the noise. I'm pretty sure she took a shot of something during recess."

"Adam, are you sure you weren't the kid in the back of the class?"

"No! I sat in the front of the class and I didn't disrupt, not even once. Even the time I fell asleep and fell out of my chair, no one noticed."

"Aw, poor cupcake," Danny laughed. "My school would have eaten you alive."

"I'm sure it would have. I was the wimpiest kid on the planet. Didn't help that my mom dressed me like a dork."

"Your mom don't dress you no more, what's your excuse now?"

"Shut up, Austin."

She laughed as Sarah switched from Danny's lap to hers, continuing to color on the paper placemat that the waitress had brought.

"What are you drawing sweetie?" Lindsay asked quietly while everyone else kept talking.

"Just me and Isa playin'. I miss her."

"Yeah. Do you think she's having fun?"

"I bet. When is it time to go get them again?"

"In a little while."

Sarah looked up at her, unshed tears in her eyes.

"I miss Colton too," she said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "I just want our whole family to be together right now."

"I do too. But as you guys grow up you're going to have to go to school and do things away from our family."

"But it will be scary."

"I know it will. That's why you have a family, so after you do the scary thing, you have somewhere safe to come home to, and people who love you and will make it better."

"That's what a family is for?"

"That's part of it. The other part is to get you ready before you go and do the scary thing so it's not so scary anymore."

"Oh, I get it! We need the biggest family we can get, huh?"

"Yeah, that's the idea."

Sarah nodded and returned to her drawing while Lindsay tuned back into the conversation.

"And pretty soon they'll be going to prom and graduating high school and- "

"Adam, shut UP," Austin said, annoyed. "They're not going to grow up that fast! They have many more years of driving us crazy before they fly the coop!"

"Or maybe they'll never fly the coop."

"Don't say that either!"

* * *

"It was the best day of my life!" Colton hollered, running out of his classroom and crashing into Lindsay's arms. "It was so fun mama! We got a pet in our classroom and he's a hedgehog and his name is Mortimer and we also have some fish named Ginger and Wasabi and sometimes we could take them home on the weekends! And we learned how to write our names today and me and Isa did so good but she did not want to write Isabeth, just Isa, so I writed just Colt and the teacher said that was okay for today, but later she wants us to write our whole names. And we learned how to hold pencils and not choke them and we got new pencils too and mine is snakes and I get to practice writing with it tonight on special paper that my teacher gave me!"

He stopped to take a breath then launched back in.

"Recess was so much fun and Isa and me taked turns on the tireswing and then we had a snack time too and nobody else in the whole class had carrots and hummus like I did! And then we drew pictures of us and wrote our names on them and hung them in the classroom. And mine said that my name is Colton and my favorite color is green today and blue tomorrow. And at the end we could do whatever we wanted and me and Isa drew a big picture of our whole family and teacher put it on the wall. Except we will have to make a new one when the baby is born later and I know what he looks like. Also sometimes I got scared so then me and Isa held hands and we weren't scared anymore. I can't wait to go back tomorrow, it's the best day of all my life!"

Lindsay laughed as she hugged him, completely relieved that his first day had been a success.

"I really did miss you, mama," he whispered so no one else would hear. "I wanted you to come to kindergarten with me."

"I missed you too. Are you ready to go home?"

"Yep. I want to show you all my stuff! And Ben too! I think I could teach him to write his name now."

"You can certainly try."

He gave her another hug, then stepped back and moved over to Austin, throwing his arms around her neck while Isa traded her mom for Lindsay.

"Did my girl have fun today?"

"Yep! I love kindergarten, Indy."

"I'm glad."

They headed out of the school and met the rest of the family on the playground. Sarah and Isa crashed into each other with hugs while Colton hopped from one foot to the other, recounting his day for Ben and Junior who didn't really care, but were fascinated enough at Colton's newfound independence that they listened anyway.

It was nearing noon by the time the families separated and went to their own homes. Colton and Isa hugged each other tightly before they parted, both exclaiming how excited they were for tomorrow.

"Come on Ben," Colton said, once they were inside. "You can watch me do my homework. It's very important!"

They dashed up into their room and Lindsay stood at the bottom of the stairs, one hand on her stomach as she leaned against the wall.

"You okay?" Adam asked, running a hand through her hair.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm just so glad he liked it because if I had to force him to go I would hate myself for a very long time."

He smiled and kissed her.

"You're the best mother in the world. And I am so proud of you."

"You'll hold me when I cry later?"

"Yes, I will."


	159. Chapter 159

Everything hurt.

Every joint, every muscle, every body part that she didn't even know she had was aching so much she could barely move. The shooting pain in her back was enough to cause nausea, and the baby acrobatics were not helping that at all. She needed Adam to come home and help her get moving, to see if the blood flow might help a little. Either that or she needed him there to rub her back and listen to her moan about how much she hated water weight and the last exhausting trimester of pregnancy. They were getting close now, less than eight weeks away, but she wasn't sure she could make it that long. All she wanted to do lately was lay on the couch, and then she felt like a bad mother for ignoring Ben, but he seemed pretty content to sit on the floor and do puzzles for hours on end. Colton was at school so she didn't have to worry about much until the afternoon.

Adam was working six days a week, ten hours a day to try and save up a little time that he could use when the baby arrived. She missed him of course, but knew that she would rather have him home when there was a screaming infant than now when there wasn't much that he could do to help her.

Austin had been coming over a lot, on the pretext of letting the kids play or just hanging out, but Lindsay knew it was because Austin was worried about her. She felt awful about that, Austin had taken care of her and worried about her more in the last few years than almost anyone else had in her entire life. She didn't feel like a burden, she knew Austin wouldn't do it if she didn't want to. But she didn't feel very good about not doing things herself.

The couch was uncomfortable, the chairs were uncomfortable, her bed was uncomfortable and even a hot bubble bath lost its appeal after a few moments. She was just plain miserable and couldn't wait for the baby to be born, because at least that would be a distraction.

She hadn't gained a lot of weight, she still only looked pregnant in profile, but it had all happened so fast that her body didn't have time to catch up and make room. Her hips were bearing the brunt of it, and although Adam didn't say anything, she knew her knees and ankles had become slightly fluffy.

Sighing, she rolled onto her back and closed her eyes, doing battle with the headache that was creeping up on her.

"Ben help mama," came the little whisper in her ear. "Ben give kisses."

She smiled as a chubby hand brushed her hair back and soft lips came down on her forehead.

"Thank you Benjamin."

He knelt down and picked up one of Colton's dump truck toys and ran it up her leg, over her stomach and back down the other leg.

"That feel good mama?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Ben take care of mama."

"Thank you Ben Ry."

He rested his head on her stomach and sighed.

"Baby out now."

"No, not yet. We have to wait a while longer."

He nodded and kissed her belly, whispering softly to it the way Adam did. He'd been growing more fond of the baby lately, asking more questions and contemplating the bump seriously. He didn't really understand it, but he knew a baby was coming at some point and it would be a brother. He'd tried to spit his name out and they'd told him over and over that it was Aiken, but he was convinced his brother would be named A'Ben.

"Mama?"

"Yeah?"

He pointed out the front window just as the door creaked open and Austin came in with Junior and Sarah.

"You guys have got to do something about that door."

"I'll get right on that," Lindsay chuckled as Sarah leaned over to hug her.

"Hi auntie."

"Hi Sarah love."

"Is baby Aiken movin'?"

"Nah, I think he's asleep."

"Hey Aiken," Sarah said, patting Lindsay's stomach. "This is your best friend Sarah. I love you. I will play with you soon."

Austin chuckled as Sarah dashed off to join the boys in their game of make-believe.

"You don't look so good Lin. I mean, no offense, I love you dearly but… You've seen better days."

"I know."

"Can I do anything?"

"No, I just have to wait it out mostly. Get used to it."

"I hate seeing you like this."

"It's alright. Could be worse."

"How do you even get up the stairs at night?"

"Slowly. Actually getting up the stairs isn't so bad, it's going down where I have the issues."

"Does Adam help you or mock you?"

"Both at the same time. He's been calling me Ducky because I waddle. I said I would make him waddle too but I wasn't fast enough and then when he came back around I had no energy."

Austin tried not to laugh, but her eyes belied her serious expression and Lindsay shook her head.

"I know, I'm a case. Haha, it's hilarious."

"I'm sorry. It's really not funny, just kind of… I don't know, I just feel really bad for you."

"It's okay. Just something to hold over the kids head for the rest of his life."

"Yeah and you haven't even gotten to labor and delivery yet."

"Don't remind me."

Austin gave her a smile and stood up from the coffee table.

"I'm going to go get the bigs from school. Want me to leave the littles or take them?"

"You can leave them if they want to stay. I don't mind, they've been really low maintenance lately."

Austin ended up just taking the boys while Sarah found a stack of books and asked Lindsay to read to her. They snuggled up on the couch together and Sarah turned the pages while Lindsay read. They were halfway through a _Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle_ story when Sarah suddenly turned to Lindsay, her eyes wide and wet.

"Auntie?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

Sarah gulped and closed her eyes before the words rushed out.

"You love me same as you love Isa?"

"Of course I do! What in the world makes you think I don't?"

"'Cuz… you always say how Isa's your girl. You never say that about me! You don't want me to be your girl too?"

"Oh Sarah, I'm sorry! I love you just as much as I love Isa, I promise. I just call her that because I've always called her that, even before you were born. You are just as special to me as your sister is, and for different reasons too."

"Like what?"

"When Isa was born she was the first baby besides Colton that I ever loved so much. And you… when I held you for the first time, I knew you were different. Isa's wild and crazy and we all love that about her because that's who she is. But you… there's just something special about you that I can't quite put my finger on. It's like you've got a little secret that no one else knows. I love Isa with all my heart but I love you just as much."

"Really?"

"Of course. If there was no Sarah I would be very, very sad. Like sometimes when we're all eating dinner and I look up and you make a funny face for me that no one else sees? Who else would do that if there was no Sarah Claire?"

"Nobody can make funny faces like me."

"Exactly. You are so special to me, Sarah, and no one else could ever take your place. I will always love you, no matter what."

"I am special as much as Isa?"

"Always. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"If I have to live in a house full of boys that means I can't braid anyone's hair or paint anyone's toenails or do any of that girly stuff. And Isa doesn't want to do that either, but you do. So I need you for all that stuff too."

"Well, I do like when you make my hair pretty."

"See, we can't live without each other."

Sarah giggled and snuggled herself into Lindsay's side.

"I love you auntie."

"I love you too Sarah. Always."

* * *

"We've been served," Austin greeted a while later as she herded the kids into the house.

"What do you mean?"

"Summons."

"I'm confused."

Austin handed her an envelope and crossed her arms over her chest.

"We've been summoned to a parent/teacher conference to discuss the kids behavior, next Tuesday at six."

"What kind of behavior?" Lindsay asked, opening the envelope, finding a vague letter that was identical to the one Austin had.

"I don't know. I was too confused to try and ask them about it on the way home."

"Did their teacher give these to you?"

"Yeah."

"Did she seem mad?"

"No, she just said to let her know if the time doesn't work for all of us and we'll figure out something else. Like she wants all four of us to be there."

"Does she know we all work?"

"Yeah, that's why she offered another time."

"Is this new behavior? They've been in school for two months, shouldn't she have said something before?"

"I know what you know, Lin," Austin sighed, sinking down onto the couch. "I thought I had at least until the second grade before this kind of thing was going to happen."

"What kind of behavior… Colton come here."

"What's the matter, mama?"

"Have you been getting in trouble at school?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep! I got white dots every day and I got to pick out of the treasure chest! I only need a few more dots to go in again!"

"What are you talking about?"

He sighed and placed a hand on his hip, launching into an explanation as if he had memorized it. Which knowing him, he most probably had, in his desire to always be good and follow the rules.

"In our class we have colored paper clips. When we do something bad we have to put a paperclip on our name tag. The different colors are for different bad things and their letters spell How I Act. First is hullaballoo and that's red. Next is out of order and that's yellow. Then work missing is blue and intentional disobedience is green. Attitude lacking is orange and courtesy lacking is pink, and tardy from recess is brown. If we don't get no clips in the day, we get a white dot sticker on our name tag. When we have 30 stickers we get to go hunt in the treasure chest for a toy. If we have to put on three clips in one day, we have to go see the prize bull."

"The prize bull?"

"Yeah, the boss of the school. I think she's called that because she takes all the prizes away and gets mad like a bull."

"No Colt, she's called the Princess Po," Isa corrected. "Because she is the princess of our school and I don't know why the Po part."

"Do you guys mean the principal?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, I understand. But are you sure you haven't been getting in trouble for anything?"

"Nope, not us! Everyone at our tables has nothing but white dots. 'Cept for Jayden Jones Luttel."

"Who's that?"

"Mama, don't you remember anything I telled you? Jayden Jones Luttel is the bully in school! He has to post a red or yellow clip almost every day! He has no 'spect for our teacher and he has horrible handwriting too."

"Yeah and he pulled my hair!" Isa added. "And I didn't even hit him back like I wanted to, I just told him my daddy was a cop and then I walked away."

"Yeah, and I wanted to push him on the ground but I didn't because I didn't want to get into trouble and go to jail."

"Oh, I see."

"Why are you asking about getting in trouble, mama?"

"Oh, nothing important. Your teacher just wants to talk to us about you. Do you have any idea why?"

"Nope, we done nothing bad, right Isa?"

"Right."

They scampered off into the other room and Lindsay sighed, reading over the note again while Austin sat on the couch beside her.

"They have an entire world that we're not a part of."

"I know. It freaks me out."

"Prize bull?"

Lindsay snorted.

"He has an active imagination. At least Princess Po made some sort of sense."

"True. So I guess we just wait and see what their teacher wants to talk about?"

"I guess. Maybe it's not bad at all. Maybe she just wants us to be room parents or something."

"Yeah sure, because you're going to be able to do that with a newborn."

"And you definitely have time between parenting your other children and you know, protecting and serving the entire city."

"Exactly."

* * *

"Why do I feel like this is judgment day?" Danny asked as the four of them stood outside the kindergarten classroom.

"I never got in trouble at school and when I did I would force myself to throw up so they would forget what I was in trouble for," Lindsay admitted, shaking her head.

"You did that?"

"I had issues as a child, okay?"

Austin snickered and shook her head.

"What did you get in trouble for?"

"There once was a man named Bill, who swallowed a dynamite pill. His chest expired, his butt backfired and his balls blew over the hill."

"Classy."

"I can't believe I just repeated that in a school."

"You got it out of your system?" Adam asked, knowing that she had several other not so appropriate limericks saved up. He was sure Austin had heard a few last month when they were in Montana, as Lindsay's brothers seemed to be able to make them up on the spot and loved spouting them off to near-strangers.

"Yeah, I'm good."

He opened the classroom door and they stepped in, greeting Mrs. Lawrence who directed them to a long table to sit down.

"I'm sure you're wondering why you're here. I would have been more specific in my note, but I thought it was better all explained at once."

"Are the kids doing something wrong?" Danny asked. "If they are we can fix it."

"No, they're not doing anything wrong, really. I'm worried about their social behavior."

"In what way?" Adam inquired skeptically. He remembered teachers saying the same thing about him as a kid, and he was more than slightly sensitive to the issue.

"I understand that they're very close, best friends. They work very well together and help each other a lot. They don't disrupt the class for the most part. I did move desks around because they kept turning around to talk to each other, but now they sit side by side and barely make a sound all day."

"So what's the problem?"

"They don't talk to anyone else. On the playground it's just the two of them. They don't like to work in a group, they eat their snacks by themselves and anything else where they could participate with the other kids, they don't. They're not rude to the other kids by any means, they just would rather be by themselves. It was fine at first when they were just starting out, but they should be getting more comfortable around other children by now."

"I'm sorry, but how is that a problem?"

"Because next year they more than likely won't be in the same classroom and they won't have learned how to make new friends either."

The parents looked at each other guiltily. They knew the kids were close and always encouraged it, but they'd never seen the flip side of the coin. It wasn't wrong, but there was some of it that could be a problem.

"So what do we do?"

"Just encourage them to play with the other kids. They don't have to stop playing with each other by any means, but include other kids as well. I'm sure they'll be open to the idea, I just don't think it's ever occurred to them. I'm just guessing, but your families don't branch out much?"

Danny and Adam held their tongues while Lindsay and Austin looked at each other guiltily.

"Maybe not as much as we could," Lindsay admitted carefully. "I guess they've pretty much been thrown together with no one else."

"That's not bad. Kids need that kind of stability. But they also need to put themselves out there and make other friends too."

Austin had been mostly silent the whole time, nodding along and agreeing, but not saying what she was thinking. It was almost another half hour of discussing the kids and their behavior, and one request for room parents, and then they were excused.

"Okay so that wasn't so bad," Adam started with a shrug. "At least the phrases Ritalin and intense therapy didn't come up."

"Austin, you're uncharacteristically silent," Lindsay noted as they started to walk home.

"She's right and I agree with her but I don't feel right forcing the kids into friendships that they may not want. Being alone really sucks, but being alone and rejected is even worse. Especially that young."

Adam nodded, understanding where she was coming from. It had been hard for him to make friends when he was a kid too.

"Maybe it's something we need to let them decide for themselves."

They continued to discuss it as they walked back to the Rosses, where Mac and Jo were watching the kids.

"What did our teacher say?" Colton and Isa asked in unison as soon as their parents had made it in the door.

"Well, you're not in trouble."

They high fived and turned around to go play again when they felt hands on their shoulders.

"Not done yet."

They went into the dining room and the kids sat down nervously, wondering what they had done that was so bad that they were getting talked to by all the parents.

"Do you two like the other kids in your class?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Colton answered with a shrug.

"Yeah, but not Jayden Jones Luttel."

"Is there a reason you don't play with the other kids?"

"We're already playing together," Colton explained.

"But don't you want to be friends with the other kids?"

"We are friends with them. They're nice."

"Do you think that maybe you could start playing with the other kids too?"

"You can't keep all your awesomeness to yourself. That wouldn't be fair."

"Oh!" Isa said, nodding her head. "I get it. We need to show the other kids how to be awesome!"

"Yeah, something like that."

"We could do that, right Colt?"

"Yeah, long as no one thinks that you could be their best friend too."

"Nope, just regular."

"Okay, we could be friends with other kids too."

"Glad we've reached a decision," Danny chuckled, tugging Isa's hair. "Go get your partners in crime so we can leave."

"Okay daddy."

The kids ran off and a long silence passed through the room.

"Is it over? It was that painless?"

"Must be."

"I expected more wailing and gnashing of teeth," Lindsay admitted as they all stood up and moved to the front door where the kids were gathered saying goodbye to each other.

"Live and learn."

The kids were laughing and exchanging hugs with Jo and Mac who were trying to head out the door but showering them with lots of affection anyway. It seemed that it took longer and longer for the families to say goodbye every time, and it was several minutes before the kids had been extracted from their babysitters and each other.

"Hey Aust?" Lindsay started, stepping out onto the porch to catch her best friend for just a moment before they went home.

"Yeah?"

Neither one of them was really expecting the hug that came, but they both held onto it for several minutes.

"Thank you for doing this parenting thing with me. I didn't really realize how much I needed it."

"I couldn't do it without you either," Austin agreed.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Night Lin."

"Night Aust."


	160. Chapter 160

A/N: You guys, I have been waiting for this chapter FOREVER. I am so excited.

Also, I've updated a lot lately, so make sure you've read them all.

Also again, I started this story almost exactly a year ago. For real. Happy anniversary to me!

* * *

There was so much left to do. She wasn't prepared for the baby yet, and the fact that Colton's birthday was tomorrow had her ignoring the slight contraction pains in her back. She still had presents to wrap and a cake to make, not to mention the fact that Adam was at work and with the snow starting, it would take him longer to get home than normal. She didn't want to go into labor now, so she simply wasn't going to.

Unfortunately for her, Austin was over and could read her better than that. She was watching her out of the corner of her eye while Colton and Isa worked on their homework and Lindsay was trying to stay out of her line of vision as best she could.

"Okay, that's enough."

"What?"

"Are you in labor?"

"No."

"Lindsay."

"I'm fine. A little uncomfortable but I'm fine."

"You're pale. Are you having contractions?"

"Just a few but they're not real. Probably Braxton-Hicks."

"Lin!"

"What?"

"How far apart are they?"

"Like… five minutes or more but-"

"I'm taking you."

"No. Adam's not here and-"

"He'll meet us there. Danny's just off work, he can come and take the kids. Call Adam and let him know."

Lindsay knew there was no arguing and Austin was probably right as much as she didn't want her to be. She grabbed her phone and called Adam getting just his voice mail.

"Hey it's me. Don't panic, but I had a little contraction and Austin's freaking out and dragging me to the hospital. I'll let you know if anything changes, but I think it's a false alarm and I'll be home soon. Love you."

"You're that calm?" Austin asked, arching a dark eyebrow.

"Obviously someone has to be."

"Danny will be here in five minutes, so let's get your bag and… are you having another one?"

"Yeah. It's just a little uncomfortable."

Austin cursed and plopped Lindsay down into a mismatched dining room chair.

"This is no time to be cavalier, Lindsay Ross. Now sit there and breathe."

Lindsay did as she was told, as she didn't really have the energy to argue.

"I'm going to get your stuff. You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm alright."

Austin rushed off to get the bag while Colton walked over to Lindsay, patting her shoulder.

"Mama. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I think maybe I'll have the baby tonight."

"Really?"

"Maybe so."

"When can I see Aiken?"

"Maybe tomorrow."

"That's my birthday!"

"I know."

"That's pretty exciting."

"I think so too."

"Hey!" Danny called from the front door. "Your water broke yet?"

"Shut up, Messer."

He took one look at Lindsay and shook his head at how pale she was.

"Need me to carry you to the car?"

"No, I can walk."

"Let me help you."

She gave him a look and he chuckled, helping her to her feet. She stood still for a second and breathed as the blood rushed from her head.

"I've got you, Montana. You're okay."

She took a moment longer to breathe before she felt she could take a step.

"Okay. Let's go."

He helped her slowly out to the car and settled her into the passenger seat, dropping a comforting kiss to the top of her head.

"You be good. We'll be waiting."

"Thanks."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

He closed the door and turned to his wife who looked on the verge of panic.

"Babe?"

"I can't do this."

"Yeah you can. You just gotta breathe."

"What if Adam doesn't get there in time?"

"I don't know. He went with Jo and Hawkes to a scene, they're pretty far out."

"I don't think I can do this for her."

"You have to. Go. Hurry up."

He gave her an encouraging hug and she got into the car, taking a deep breath.

"You ready?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Yeah. Adam will get here soon. Don't worry."

* * *

"It hurts," Lindsay whimpered as a contraction released its hold on her and she was able to breathe normally again.

"I know," Austin said softly, smoothing Lindsay's hair back from her face, an action that seemed to comfort both of them. "What hurts the most?"

"Well it's not my big toe, Aust."

"Lin-"

"It feels like Edward Scissorhands is trying to have his way with me."

The nurse smothered a laugh and Austin shook her head.

"Lin, I don't even know about you."

"No one does."

"I know, my life as your best friend is a terrifying one. Want to find something on TV to get us through these long and horrible hours upon hours of labor?"

"I want to pinch you right now."

"Here, have an ice-chip."

"Are you patronizing me?"

"Maybe so."

Lindsay glared and took the cup of ice-chips, eating one before sighing and closing her eyes.

"This time is worse."

"Worse than with the boys before?"

"Yeah."

Austin didn't say anything, just tried to be as calming as possible. She'd never been on this end of labor and he hated to see Lindsay in this kind of pain, so she wasn't really sure what she should be doing or how to help her.

"What does Adam do for you?"

"Nothing more than what you're doing right now."

"Are you nauseous?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want the life saving barf bucket?"

"Keep Pinkie close."

Austin chuckled and tucked Lindsay's hair behind her ear, wishing Adam would get there.

"At least you get to have your baby while the snow falls. Want to put a sock in your mouth so you don't scream?"

"Watch out, I'll put your leg in a cast."

The door opened slowly and the doctor stepped inside, he shoes squeaking on the floor.

"Alright, let's check and see how far along you are."

"That is my cue to try and call Adam again," Austin said standing up. "Back in a few minutes."

She slipped out into the hallway and breathed for a while before calling Adam for the third time. He still didn't answer, and she figured the scene he was at was out of range, so she left him another message before calling Mac. He promised to try and get a hold of Adam at the scene and she made it clear to him that she really wanted reinforcements.

She then called Danny to check on the kids and to see if he was surviving. He assured her that they were fine, ordered pizza for dinner and were happily playing in the snow. They talked for a few minutes before she hung up and went back into the room, finding Lindsay just starting a contraction.

She pulled the chair back to the bed and sat down while Lindsay closed her eyes and hummed through the pain. It was nearly a minute before it was over and Lindsay kept her eyes closed for a while.

"Lin?"

"Is he coming?"

"I left another message. What did the doctor say?"

"Halfway there."

"Are you going to get an epidural?"

"Not yet. It speeds things up and I don't want Adam to miss anything."

Austin wanted to argue with her because she knew the epidural was probably a good idea, but she figured she'd wait a little while.

"Lin, can I do anything else for you?"

"No. Just don't leave me."

"I won't leave you," Austin whispered. "Not on your life."

* * *

"I want Adam," Lindsay whimpered, her breathing shallow. "Where is he?"

"He's on his way, it's just taking longer because of the snow. It's okay, I'm right here."

"I can't do this."

"Yeah you can."

"It hurts. I'm too tired."

"Don't wimp out on me now," Austin said, trying to keep her tone light as she reached over to rub Lindsay's back. "You have to do this."

"It hurts so bad," she said as tears ran down her face.

"I know."

Lindsay sniffled and wiped her eyes. Nothing had let up the entire time, it just seemed to be getting more intense. She didn't remember it being this bad either time, even with Colton when she'd been so scared.

"You know what's really not fair?"

"What?"

"When I have contractions I scream and bite things and call Danny names. When you have contractions you hum and then blink a few times like it was nothing."

"It's not nothing. These hurt so bad."

"I can read by the light of your face, Casper."

"Don't make me laugh."

Austin smiled and leaned down to grab something out of the bag, then scooted her chair over to the end of the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Painting your toenails."

"Okay. Why?"

"Baby's gotta have something pretty to look at during that traumatic experience."

"Thank you for thinking of that."

"Hey Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"If Adam doesn't get here… are you going to make me stay in here?"

"No. You can leave."

"It's not that I don't want to be there for you, I just… don't really… um…"

"It's okay, Aust. You can go. You don't even really have to be here now-"

"Don't talk crazy, I couldn't leave you right now if I tried. I just don't know how well I do when things get… uh… they natural way they get with the uh… graphicness."

"First of all, you're two years old. Second, you can just do what Adam does and turn your back to it."

"He does?"

"He says it's awkward and he doesn't wanna know what's going on down there unless he's the one doing it."

"Thanks for making me throw up in my mouth."

Lindsay giggled and reached for the remote, wanting to find something that would distract her from the horrible pain.

"I love you but if you turn on one of those crappy infomercials, I am going to take your ice-chips away."

"You'd withhold hydration from a laboring woman that weighs seven hundred pounds?"

"Yes."

"Okay, as long as I'm prepared."

"You're freakishly calm right now."

"Yeah, another one is coming so I'm holding on to sanity as long as I can."

"Linds, will you please think about getting an epidural?"

"I don't want-"

"I know you don't want Adam to miss anything, but if you don't get an epidural he's going to miss the circulation in his hand when he gets here."

"Just a little longer," Lindsay managed to squeak out as the next contraction hit. She held onto the side of the bed and breathed through it as best she could, counting in her head until it started to ease.

"Well your toes are done," Austin said, moving back to the head of the bed. "Just don't move."

Lindsay gave her a look and used the cold washcloth to wipe her face.

"You know, you're going to forget it all the moment you see Aiken."

"Yeah… except I was thinking that maybe that's not this baby's name."

"Yes it is. It's prefect and you both love it."

"I know. I just… I don't feel it."

"Hormones talking."

"Probably," she sighed, flipping through the channels.

"Oop, stop there, that's something good."

They watched the show in silence for a while, through one more contraction, through which Austin brushed Lindsay's hair back again and breathed with her, then sat back and held her hand.

"You're pretty good at this Lin."

"Good joke. Are you going to start doing whale song?"

"What?"

"Sorry, that's an Adam joke."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"You never told me how you guys kind of… fell in together."

"You mean how we met?"

"Yeah. Like obviously it was at work, but how did you guys become friends?"

"It was actually Danny's fault. He and I got into an argument about Star Wars originals versus prequels-"

"Originals, duh."

"That's what I said. And he said they were all valid and Adam was our tie breaker and he agreed with me and then we decided to watch them and… the rest is history."

"That's it?"

"We started hanging out a lot after that. Movies and video games and before I knew it we were together pretty much every night after work and then suddenly… I don't know, it just kind of came out of nowhere."

"You get all starry-eyed when you talk about him."

"Yeah."

"You know when I first met you, I had no idea you two were together. I mean, I could see that he liked you. He would light up when you walked into a room. He wasn't as nervous around you. I even asked Danny if there was something between you two and he was of course oblivious. But then when you told me, it all made sense. You guys just go together."

"We think so too."

"We think what?"

They both turned at Adam's voice as he came in the door.

"Adam," Lindsay said softly, smiling as he came to her side.

"I'm sorry honey. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

He kissed her and brushed her hair back, closing his eyes and feeling guilty for not being there earlier.

"I'm going to go," Austin said quietly. "I need to rescue Danny from the kids."

"Thanks for staying," Lindsay said as Austin pulled her coat on.

"Anytime. Call me when it's over. Love you."

"I love you too."

Adam caught her by the door and hugged her tightly.

"Thanks for takin' care of her. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime. You know that."

"Yeah."

"Be good. Don't look down."

"What?"

"Never mind."

She left the room and Adam went back to Lindsay sitting down and pressing his forehead to hers.

"I didn't know I didn't have service up there and-"

"Shh," she said, pressing her fingers to his lips. "You're here now. And I'm about to have a contraction, so hold my hand?"

He took her hand and held on until it was over and the doctor came back in for an exam. It was uncomfortable and she hated it, but it had to be done.

"Well there's some good news and some bad news."

"I don't like hearing that."

"The good news is dad got here just in time because you're really almost ready to push. The bad news is that you're so far along that an epidural is probably not going to have much effect on you."

There was a long silence before Lindsay managed to find words.

"I should have listened to Austin."

* * *

"Please, please, I can't do this anymore," Lindsay cried, swiping her hand across her forehead.

"Yeah you can honey. You can do anything."

"Can I spit ice-chips at you?"

"Whatever you want, love."

"Will you buy me a pony?"

"Absolutely. After you push some more."

"I can't."

"I don't care if you can't. You have to. I seem to recall this being your fault in the first place."

"It was so your fault," she argued weakly as he stroked her face.

"I know. You need to do this sweetie and you need to do it now."

Tears were streaming down her face despite the joking and he dropped his forehead to hers.

"Breathe with me okay? And then we'll count to ten."

She nodded and they worked together for a while, shutting out the pain and the noise and the lights until a soft voice broke through the concentration.

"Okay, stop pushing. You're almost done."

Lindsay drew in another breath, the pain so intense that it was nearly to the point of not noticing it. Her ears were ringing and everything was swirling around her, and she wondered vaguely if this was an insane kind of dream.

"And it's a girl."

"What?" Lindsay gasped, trying to sit up so she could see, while Adam stared in shock, his jaw dropped halfway to the floor.

"It's a girl," the doctor repeated, placing the screaming baby on Lindsay's chest.

"You're a girl. You're… Adam, she's a girl."

He didn't say anything, couldn't say anything because if he did the tears in his eyes would surely fall.

"Hi baby. I'm your mama. And you're… you're not a boy, are you?" Lindsay chuckled, wiping the baby's face off and counting fingers and toes. "Adam."

"She's beautiful. She's just… I can't believe we have a girl."

"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry I've been calling you a boy."

"She doesn't seem to mind. She looks like you."

"Really? We got one that looks like me? It's a miracle."

He chuckled as the nurse came over and took their daughter from them, to get her cleaned and bundled up.

"Oh Linds I'm so proud of you," Adam said leaning down to kiss her. "I love you so much."

"I love you too. Can you go make sure she's okay?"

"She's fine honey, I can see her from here."

Lindsay closed her eyes and sighed getting her breath back and trying to calm the shakes of adrenaline that were still rushing through her.

"I can't believe we have a girl. A girl."

* * *

"Are you a mama again?" Austin asked tiredly, as she had only been asleep for a few hours.

"Yeah, I am."

"And how's the little bun?"

"Well… what we thought was a boy was actually an umbilical cord, so I am sitting here watching Adam rock his daughter."

"Are you serious? Oh Linds I could cry."

"I already did. Twice."

"Is she perfect?"

"So perfect. And really tiny. And she's got a lot of hair and her eyes… they're just like Adam's, like exactly. And she's just… I don't even have words."

"Oh wow. I can't wait to see her. First thing in the morning?"

"Yes. Can you call me before you leave? I want to tell the boys."

"Yeah, I will. Enjoy that baby and get some rest, okay?"

"I will. Thanks for everything today Aust."

"Always. I love you."

"Love you too."

She hung up the phone and put it on the side table, smiling as she watched Adam rock their pink blanket swaddled daughter. He was staring at her in awe, rocking slowly in the dim light, one arm cradling her close while his other hand traced over her face.

"Hey."

He looked up at her and smiled, standing up from the chair and joining her on the bed.

"We're going to have to name her," Lindsay said staring at her once again.

"Guess Aiken's out, huh?"

"Guess so. Can I have her now? Please?"

He sighed and carefully transferred the baby to Lindsay. A lump rose in his throat as he watched them together, mother and daughter. It was so many years ago when Lindsay's dad had told him that he loved his daughter differently than he loved his sons. Adam had never understood that until this moment, when he looked down at his wife and his baby girl and felt a greater surge or protection and love than he had ever felt in his life. He took a deep breath to reign in the emotion, and reached out to take his daughters hand, marveling at how small it was.

"So what names are befitting of our little girl?"

"I don't know. Do you remember any of the names we talked about before the day that medical science failed us?" Lindsay asked.

"Not really. I think there was Allison and Autumn and I think Avalon."

"I don't like any of those anymore. They're not good enough."

"She needs something special."

"Very special."

"Hey, do you remember that song we were listening to?"

"There's been a lot of songs, babe," she chuckled while he kissed her shoulder.

"Remember on the way to the doctor that day? _Dear Avery_? We were talking about if it was a boys name or a girls name."

"Yeah."

"Averylin," he suggested, even before he had thought it through.

"I like that," she said, as bits of the song flitted through her mind. _Headstrong, you and your long arms, listing lazily, on the cusp of your teens. But you were my Avery, when you needed saving, I could just grab you, by the nape of your neck. There are times life will rattle your bones and will bend your limbs… please Avery, come home._

"It'll be special. And she'll have part of your name too."

"Yeah, she will."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it. It's perfect."

"And what do you think, baby girl?" he asked, kissing his daughter's hand.

"She's chill. She digs."

He chuckled and put his arm around both of them.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Can I hold her again?"

"I've only had her for like three minutes of her whole life."

"Yeah, but you had her for nine months before that."

"My baby."

"Hey I worked hard too."

Her eyebrows shot up and she gave him an incredulous look.

"How do you figure that?"

"I gave you like a hundred footrubs."

"But you don't mind doing that."

"Still work."

"Okay fine, we can call it even for now. I'm too tired to banter with you."

"Save it for later."

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"We really do have the best life in the world, don't we?"

"Yeah. The very best."


	161. Chapter 161

They only got a few hours of sleep in the wee hours of the morning, what with nurses bustling in and out and Averylin waking up with her first diaper. She hadn't been interested in eating much, but once the sun came up it seemed to be all she wanted to do, and she spent a good hour doing just that. It wasn't the easiest or most comfortable nursing Lindsay had ever experienced, but she was determined to do it and convinced it would get better.

Adam was basically holding his daughter every chance he got, walking her around the room, rocking her slowly in the chair, and standing by the window, looking out on the city and whispering softly to her. Lindsay loved watching them together, intrigued at how different Adam was with Averylin than he was with the boys. He was somehow gentler, softer. She smiled when he sat down next to her, and she reached over to adjust the little cotton hat on Averylin's head.

"Think we should call the boys?" he asked.

"It's kind of early but I bet they're up," Lindsay decided, picking up her phone and calling Austin. Colton answered the phone as if they'd all been sitting there waiting for the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey buddy. Happy birthday."

"Hey yeah, it is my birthday! I forgot because I was so excited for the baby!"  
"I'm glad you're excited," she said, pressing a button to put the phone on speaker. "You and the baby have the same birthday now."

"Yes!" he hollered happily.

"And you know what else?"

"What?"

"You got your wish. You have a little sister."

"Really? But I thought it was going to be a brother named Aiken!"

"Well we made a mistake."

"I really got a sister? For real?"

"Yeah for real."

"Yes! Ben, we got a sister!"

"I guess you're pretty happy about that, huh?"

"Yeah! Can we come see her now? Please? Please?"

"Yeah, let me talk to Austin real quick okay?"

"Okay. Bye mama."

He handed the phone back to Austin and Lindsay took it off speaker.

"Hey, did you get much sleep?"

"Nah, just preparing for the big time."

"A friend to us all."

"Can you do me a gigantic favor?"

"Sure."

"I don't have any girl clothes. I have nothing to take her home in and I don't have any clothes for her to wear once I get her home and do you have any I can borrow?"

"Yeah, I grabbed some stuff already. I found the outfit that Isa and Sarah both went home in."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I figure it can be a family tradition."

"I like that idea."

"I'll bring the boys and some clothes down in a little while."

"Bring the rest of the kids too."

"Really?"

"Yes please."

"Okay, I will. Need anything else?"

"No, that's all."

"Alright. We'll be there in a little while."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay looked down at Averylin, grinning as her eyes opened.

"She's so pretty. She's got your eyes."

"You think so?" Adam asked, looking closer.

"Yeah. I hope they stay blue. At least one of our kids should pass on those eyes."

He smiled as his phone rang in his pocket. Carefully handed the baby to Lindsay and answered the phone, walking over to the other side of the room.

"Hi sweet girl," Lindsay whispered, leaning down to kiss her daughter's cheeks. "You have no idea how much I wanted you. I would have been happy with another boy. I would have been so happy. But little girl, you are what I've been dreaming about all my life. And I am so glad I don't have to wait anymore, precious. I'm so glad you're finally here."

Averylin made a little grunting noise and yawned.

"You're going to meet your brothers soon. Are you ready for that? They're a little bit crazy sometimes but they love you so much. You have the best big brothers in the world, and I should know, because brothers are all I've got. You're so lucky Averylin. So, so lucky."

* * *

"Someone lift me up there please! I want to see my sister! Daddy? Austin? Danny? Someone please!"

Danny chuckled and lifted Colton onto the bed next to Lindsay.

"Okay, I want to hold my sister now," he said, holding his arms out. "Put her right there please."

Lindsay chuckled and helped him hold the baby. He smiled and cooed at her, even though she was asleep.

"Oh mama, I really love her so much. She is so cute. Do you think she likes me?"

"I think she will."

"Can we take her home now?"

"No, not today. Tomorrow we will."

"I just can't stop loving her so much," he sighed. "I'm so happy she's here."

He continued like that for ten minutes until his arms got tired and it was Ben's turn. He wasn't quite as interested as Colton had been, and was quite content to just sit and look at her rather than hold her. He gave her a few kisses and cuddles, then hopped off the bed to play with Junior.

"Is it my turn?" Austin asked, looking slightly pathetic.

"Yes, it's your turn."

Austin sat down next to her and took the baby in her arms almost gasping at how tiny and alert she was.

"Oh my word. Where did girlfriend get the red hair?"

"From her daddy. His was really red like that as a kid."

"She's so pretty Linds. Can you even handle it?"

"No, I can't."

"Did you settle on a name?"

"Yeah. Averylin."

"That's pretty. Are you going to call her by her full name?"

"I don't know. Whatever comes out probably."

"Who's she named after?" she asked, knowing the kids were always named after someone.

"Me, with the Lin. And you."

"Me?"

"Her middle name is Grace."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is. We put it on all the paperwork."

"She's named after me? For real?"

"Yes. It was important to us that she have your name because… you've been there. For so long you and Danny have been the only people in the world that we can rely on, no matter what. And you've been there for me, you don't even know how much. And we just want her to look up to you and learn from you and we want her to have your heart."

Austin's green eyes swam with tears as she looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms.

"I hope I can be all that for her."

"You already are, Austin."

"You're making me blubber like a wimp."

Lindsay chuckled and reached over to tuck the blanket closer around her daughter.

"Can I see her now?" Sarah asked softly as she and Isa stood next to the bed.

"Yeah. Get someone to lift you up."

They both looked over at Danny and he chuckled, lifting them both onto the bed. Sarah crawled over to Austin and fawned over the baby while Isa snuggled into Lindsay's side quietly.

"Hey Indy?"

"Yeah?"

"You got your own girl for reals now. So does that mean I'm not your girl anymore?"

"Of course not. Are you still Isabeth Grace Messer?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're still my girl."

"Okay," Isa giggled.

They all sat there for a while, looking down at the baby and planning different outfits for her, complete with bows and frills and pink in every shade imaginable. Isa and Sarah were totally prepared to dress their younger counterpart up in tiny clothes and teach her how to dance.

"Hey, do I get to hold that baby anytime soon?" Danny asked, crossing his arms and looking at his daughters.

"You're a boy daddy. You don't know how to hold a baby!"

"Well then how did I hold you?"

Isa looked at him with a scowl as he lifted the baby into his arms.

"Adam, looks like you've got a mini Montana on your hands. You got a stick to beat the boys off with?"

"Yeah, they make them down at the gift shop. I had it engraved."

"Nice."

Lindsay and Austin rolled their eyes as the guys continued to talk about raising daughters and the appropriate age to let said daughters date, in which fifty-four was agreed upon. They all spent a little more time together, until Averylin made it known that she was not happy and needed food immediately. Everyone left after that, Adam keeping Ben and Colton with them, as he would take them home later to sleep. For now, he figured a walk around the hospital would help expend some of their energy, so he took them out of the room.

Lindsay was left with her screaming daughter who didn't want to have anything to do with eating, even though she was hungry.

"Come on sweetheart, you did this once before."

She just continued crying and Lindsay tried to swaddle her better, wondering if she had just been overly stimulated with all the visitors. She held the baby securely and shushed her for a while until the cries lessened and she could eat.

"See, mama's always right. You're going to hate that when you get older, but we'll deal with that when it comes."

She smiled at the little eating noises, the involuntary arm and leg movements, the long blinks and tiny sighs. She'd missed these quiet times a lot. Her mind was suddenly blank of all memories of the newborn stage with the boys and she looked down at her daughter, amazed that she got to do it again.

"Are you done sweetie?" she said after a while. "Let's see if you can blow your brother's burping record. Make daddy proud. Okay, well that left a little to be desired, but we can work on it. Now, should we change you into some warmer clothes? I don't think this shirt is all that comfortable. Let's see what Austin brought you."

She leaned over and grabbed the bag of clothes that were sitting on the chair, rifling through them with a smile.

"Daddy picked this out for Isabeth after she was born," she said pulling out an "I'm a princess" onesie. "She threw up on it the second Austin put it on her. And this was one that Stella got for Sarah. See the tutu on it? I'm surprised it's still intact, actually. Don't worry, we'll get you some clothes of your own, but I think sharing is okay for now."

"Hey, how're our girls doing?" Adam asked as he and the boys came back into the room.

"We're just shopping. She's got the eye of the tiger already."

"Do I want to know what that means?"

"Hide your credit card."

"Mama, what are you doing?"

"I'm going to change your sister into some regular clothes."

"Oh. Can I help?"

"Can you see if there's socks in that bag?"

Colton nodded and rooted through the bag, finding a pair of yellow socks.

"Here mama. How come she keeps her arms all curled up like that?"

"Because she was in my belly so long that she hasn't learned how to stretch out yet."

"Oh. Could I teach her?" he asked, climbing onto the bottom rungs of the bed and grabbing Averylin's hand.

"No sweetie, don't pull on her."

"Oh! I'm sorry."

"It's okay, she's not bothered."

"Then why is she makin' that mad face?" he asked, right before the baby displayed her full lung power. Ben took one look at her and tipped his head back, letting out a cry of his own. It wasn't clear if he was scared or sympathizing and Colton looked from one sibling to the other, utterly confused as to who he should comfort first.

Lindsay half laughed and picked the baby up, cuddling her close and trying to calm her down while Adam assured Ben that it was normal for babies to cry and there was nothing wrong with his sister.

"Wow, she sure is loud," Colton said, gently folding a pair of pajamas. "Can she wear these?"

"Yeah she can. Will you put her socks on her?"

Colton nodded and concentrated hard, finally figuring out what he was doing. He was so proud of himself he looked as if he could burst.

"Can I hold her now that she's dressed, mama? Please?"

"Maybe in a little bit. Daddy hasn't held her in a while."

"But neither have I!" Colton whined, crossing his arms. "And it's my birthday!"

"Well then you're old enough to be patient. Did you finish your homework from last night?"

"No, we forgot about it."

"That's okay. Would you like me to help you with it right now?"

"Yeah!"

He dumped his backpack onto the bed and climbed up with her while she pulled the bed tray over so he had something to write on.

"My teacher says I am really good at math," he said proudly. "I can do some adding now without using my fingers. See look, three and three is six!"

"Did you memorize that or do you figure it out every time?"

"Mostly I remember it. Ask me one mama!"

"Do you know two plus three?"

He scrunched his forehead up and thought for a minute.

"Well two plus two is four and three is one more than two so does that mean it's five?"

"Yes it is."

"I really like math, mama. It only has one answer."

"You're right, it does. And you're going to use a lot of math if you want to be a doctor. Lots of math and science."

"We don't do much science in school. But we do a lot of reading. Me and Isa are both good at reading. I forgot to tell you that my teacher said that at Christmas time when we take a vacation from school, she's is going to give us all some books to try to read. She said we might need some help on long words but I think I can figure it out because I know all the letter sounds."

"Does that mean daddy and I can't spell things out to keep them secret from you anymore?"

"No, you could still do that. I will just know the secrets."

She chuckled and looked down at the homework he had spread before him. The block letters on triple lined paper, the large numbers practiced over and over again. A colored picture of what appeared to be Christopher Columbus with the date 1492 written underneath it.

"Mama, we learned about a mystery! I forgot to tell you! It was a mystery about Roanoke! And there were people there and they disappeared. And nobody knows what happened to them. And it's been a mystery for as long as we have had our country."

"It is a pretty good mystery. What do you think happened to them?"

"I think they moved away somewhere else in the winter and I think they couldn't find food and they died."

"That's plausible."

"But it did happen a long time ago and maybe it's supposed to be a mystery forever."

"Maybe so," Lindsay agreed, surprised at the wisdom he displayed.

"I still like learning about everything though. Can you tell me how to spell Averylin's name? I want to draw her on my family picture. And I want to hang it on the wall in her room so she will not feel sad when she has to sleep in there by herself."

"That's nice of you. Do you have the picture?"

"Maybe I will make a new one. I have some crayons in my backpack," he said, pulling out the supplies and setting them on the hard surface.

"Ben color?"

"Yeah, I got lots of paper in here and we can share crayons but don't break them okay?"

Ben nodded and moved a chair over to climb onto the bed. He pushed his glasses up and worked diligently on his own scribbles while Colton was careful to depict his stick family just right. He drew them all as he had so many times before but added a blob at the end, with red hair and pink lips. He wrote their names underneath, painstakingly writing his sister's name, as it was a lot longer and had more obscure letters than the rest.

"There! I drawed all of us! One, two, three, four, five. That's a big family. And even we have Chewy and Qwerty too."

"Yeah, we do."

He nodded and held up the picture to show Adam.

"See daddy? There's you and mama holdin' hands, and me with my doctor bag and Ben with glasses on, and Averylin sleepin'!"

"That's a good picture. Thanks for drawing me so skinny."

"Well you're not like Santa Claus daddy."

"I'm glad," Adam chuckled, sitting down in the chair that Ben had used to climb up on the bed. "I think our family looks pretty good like that. What do you think?"

"Well, we cover a whole page," he said. "I think it looks very good."

"Ben did! Color pretty," Ben reported, holding up a picture of scribbles. "Baby sissy."

"Do you like your sister?"

He nodded and leaned over to look at her.

"Ben hold?"

"Yeah you can hold her."

"But I asked first!" Colton reminded them, suddenly indignant.

"You can hold her when you finish your homework, okay?"

"Oh alright. Be careful Ben and don't drop her."

"Ben not drop sissy. Ben hold."

He cradled Averylin against him as best he could, whispering to her quietly and rubbing his nose against her cheek.

"Mama, sissy soft. Ben love."

"I'm glad you love her."

"Look! Sissy 'wake! Hi! Sissy pretty," he said, grinning as he looked at her.

"Hon, will you be okay with all three of them here for a bit?" Adam asked quietly.

"Where are you going?"

"I thought I would go down to the y-r-e-k-a-b and get a e-k-a-c for someone's y-a-d-t-h-r-i-b."

Lindsay looked at him funny until she realized he was spelling the words backwards.

"Yeah, as long as you don't take too long. Do you want to take one of them with you?"

"Maybe. Ben, do you want to go with me?"

"Okay. Cole hold sissy."

"Yay!" Colton said softly as they placed his sister into his arms.

"Back soon," Adam said, zipping up Ben's coat and leaning down to kiss Lindsay. "Love you."

"Love you too."

Adam and Ben left the room quietly and Colton sighed.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"How do I be a good big brother?"

"You already are a good big brother."

"Well I am a good brother to Ben, but we like to fight and wrestle a lot. I can't wrestle my sister. She's too little. She will break."

"Now she would but if you wait a few years she'll be bigger and you can all play together then."

"Okay."

"When you have a little sister one of the main things you've got to remember is to always protect her. Always stick up for her and always, always love her, no matter what."

"I can do that mama. Cinchy."

"Where did you learn that word?"

"Just at school. It means easy peasy lemon squeezie."

"And everyone thinks I have too many weird phrases."

"Like when daddy says he will make dinner and then he burns it and we have to get pizza and you tell him his cooking is knocked up into a cocked hat? And then he says there's a reason womens are s'posed to be in the kitchen and you say to him to go boil his shirt? Like that kind of weird phrases?"

"Yeah, exactly like that."

* * *

After one small slice of cake each and a trip to the bathroom the boys were exhausted and not even interested in holding their sister anymore, and just wanted Lindsay to hold them and read them a story. Adam was going to take them home to sleep and didn't really want them to fall asleep here, but it was looking like they would all be spending the night together.

Adam rocked Averylin next to the window, not willing to put her down even though she was sound asleep. He couldn't get enough of looking at her, taking in her delicate features, the way she breathed, how she was almost a clone of her mama. It was an indescribable feeling really, and he tried to think back to how it had been with the boys. There had been so much pride with them, his boys, his little men, his sons. This was somehow different. There was still pride of course, but there was a stirring in his soul that he hadn't felt just like this before.

"… until neither the plain nor the star-bellies knew, whether this one was that one or that one was this one, or which one was what one, or what one was who."

Adam smiled at Lindsay's soft voice, noticing how she was slowing down as the boys fell into sleep. They were both half draped over her sleeping peacefully, and she maneuvered carefully, putting the book on the side table and taking Ben's glasses off.

"Mama?"

"Go back to sleep honey."

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Colton. Happy birthday."

She kissed his head and stroked his hair back until he finally fell into a real sleep. Adam stood up from his chair and handed the baby to Lindsay, then took the boys one at a time to the cot the nurses had brought in for them. He tucked them in tightly and kissed them both before returning to the bed.

"Are you as exhausted as I am or exponentially more?"

"That last one."

He chuckled and brushed her hair back, staring into her eyes for a moment, simply because it seemed so long since he had. She smiled slowly and he kissed her, giving her a moment to try to speak, before tiredness took over and she was rendered speechless.

"Ready for bed?"

"Can I hold her and sleep at the same time?"

"No."

"Okay. Goodnight chickabiddy," she said, kissing the baby's cheek. "I love you."

Adam took the pink snoozing bundle from her and as much as he hated it, placed her in the plastic bassinette. She didn't seem to mind being left alone, but he wheeled the tiny bed closer to the rest of them anyway.

Lindsay was fighting sleep so hard she had tears in her eyes, and he smiled, laying down next to her. There were so many words to say but they didn't have then energy to say them, so they simply lay there quietly for several minutes.

"Lindsay."

"Adam."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He held her closer and watched as she fell asleep, joining her in a few moments, happy to have their whole family all together.


	162. Chapter 162

"Hey mama, Mac and Jo is here," Colton reported, looking out the window. "They brunged presents! Can I open the door?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Lindsay chuckled, still trying to find a comfortable position on the couch. It wasn't so much that she preferred the hospital bed as it was her body had gotten used to it. Averylin snuffled and squawked at the movement, unhappy about being disturbed while she slept. They'd discovered that she had a slight attitude and was very cuddly but could not stand to be bothered when she slept. She was a good sleeper though, a solid four hours at a time at night. She was still having eating issues and being born at only five pounds meant that it was imperative for her to start gaining weight. Lindsay wasn't too worried, certain that as they got a routine down, Averylin would start eating better.

"Hi guys!" Colton greeted, holding the door open. "Come in and see my sister Avery."

They stepped through the door, each of them holding two gift bags, which Colton couldn't help but try and peek into.

"Come see Avery," he repeated, tugging on Jo's hand. "Come see how pretty she is."

Jo chuckled and let him pull her over to the couch while Mac hung their coats by the door.

"Are you going to hold her?"

"Well we decided that Mac would hold her first because if I held her first he would never get a turn."

Colton nodded as Mac came over and Lindsay handed Avery to him. He held her carefully, this whole infant thing being rather old hat now, but still special to him every time. Avery whimpered and fussed and he bounced her gently.

"Shh, none of that, little girl," he said quietly. She fought sleep and wakefulness at the same time, staring her blue eyes straight into his and falling silent. They kept the eye contact for a while before she sneezed and lost her focus.

"You're the prettiest thing I ever done laid eyes on," Jo said softly, holding onto Mac's arm and standing on her tiptoes to see the baby. "Yes, in all my born days darlin' girl."

Mac chuckled and exchanged a look with Lindsay who just grinned back at him while Adam came down the stairs.

"I thought someone was here," he said, closing the door that Colton had left open.

"Hey," Jo greeted, hugging him tightly. "Has it hit you yet that you have a daughter?"

"Yeah, but I think it will hit me harder in about thirteen years."

She chuckled and moved to the couch to sit next to Lindsay.

"How are you doing, mama?" she asked softly.

"I'm okay. Tired and overwhelmed and sore and a few other things that I can't put into words, but I'm happy too."

"You look it," Jo agreed, pulling her friend into a hug. They stayed that way for a minute, Lindsay needing to feel like a daughter, even for a second to feel like she had a mother taking care of her.

"You boys feel like opening some birthday presents?" Mac asked, nodding to the presents they'd brought.

"Yeah! Are those really for us?" Colton asked, surprised.

"Sure are. That blue bag is for Ben and the red one is for you."

"Red for Cole," Ben repeated. "Blue for Ben."

They each grabbed a bag and opened them Colton whooping excitedly at what he found.

"Wow, army guys!" he said, holding up the G.I. Joes. "I don't got any of these! Neato! Thanks Mac! Thanks Jo! Daddy can you open them for me?"

"Are you sure you don't want them to be collector's items?"

"Nope, I wanna play with them."

"Okay, I can open them. Ben, what did you get?"

Ben held up his new copy of _The Very Hungry Caterpillar_ and inspected it carefully.

"Ben don't read," he started, flipping through the pages. "Ben like pictures."

"Maybe you could get Mac to read that to you," Jo suggested with a wink.

"Mac read for Ben?"

"Yeah, I can do that," Mac chuckled, handing Avery to Jo and sitting down in the chair. Ben climbed into his lap and opened the book, pointing at the first page.

"Go."

Mac began to read while Adam and Colton inspected the action figures, checking out the moving and removable parts.

"I knew you needed a girl," Jo said, stroking the baby's cheeks. "She's just so tiny, she looks like a doll."

"I know, she really does. I'm afraid to change her clothes or her diaper because I'm afraid of hurting her."

"She's probably pretty tough. Although look how small her fingers are."

"I know. I don't think she's going to be able to braid rawhides."

"Probably not. She's going to be your wild flower pickin' daisy chain makin' horseback ridin' girly girl."

"I hope so."

"She's so pretty. She's cute too, but she's just really, really pretty."

"I completely agree," Lindsay said, reaching over to take Avery's hand. "Isn't she just so…"

"Yeah, she is."

"Don't you just feel better when you hold her?"

Jo just smiled at how smitten Lindsay was with her daughter.

"That pink bag has a little something for her," she said, motioning to it. Lindsay picked up the bag and found a baby sized jean jacked and a pair of pink cowboy boots.

"Oh my word, I want to put her in them now," Lindsay said with a sigh. "My mom has a huge box of all my baby clothes that she's sending. Poor girl's gonna look like she up and joined the rodeo straight from the womb."

"Then everyone will know she's your daughter."

"I hope so."

* * *

"Hey there little girl," Adam said in a hushed tone as he bounce-walked Avery across the bedroom. "It's time for sleep. Mama fed you and you're nice and warm and it's so quiet in here."

"Except for your incessant prattling," Lindsay teased. He shot her a look, then continued begging his daughter to go to sleep.

"See here's the thing, you need to stop crying and fall asleep so mama can fall asleep and not just suddenly tip over out of exhaustion. And that would be bad because I'm pretty tired too and I might fall asleep too and then who is going to hold you and bounce you and cater to your every want and desire?"

Avery continued crying, almost as if to tell him that she remained unconvinced.

"Here, let me try," Lindsay said, standing up and taking the baby into her arms.

"Did the boys do this?"

"No, they didn't. Maybe I should try feeding her again. She doesn't ever eat much, maybe she's just hungry."

"Do you want to try formula? We have some downstairs."

"I really don't," she sighed, sitting down on the bed. "I really, really don't."

"Linds…"

"I know, I just want to try this a little longer."

"If you're stressed out it's not going to be good for either of you."

"Thank you Dr. Oz."

"Don't get snippy with me, I'm telling you the truth."

"I know. I'm sorry," she said, swaddling Avery a little tighter in the flannel blanket. "I just feel like I have to keep trying just in case."

"I get it. But in the end you have to do what's best for her, not what makes you the most comfortable."

She was quiet and he walked over, kissing her forehead.

"I'm going to make sure the boys are still asleep."

He walked quietly out of the room and Lindsay looked down at Avery, sighing.

"Can you try to eat again, sweetie? Please?"

The crying continued, and Lindsay shushed her, holding her upright and patting her back, hoping it was just air.

"Shh, it's okay. You're just fine. You are so tired, baby, you need to go to sleep. Daddy and mama need sleep too because we're both so cranky. Like that fight we got in earlier was because we were tired, not because I was really mad at him. Do you think you can let me sleep, baby? Please, just for a few hours?"

The crying lessened at her voice, so she stood up and paced around the room, talking about whatever she could think of.

"You were born into a kind of different family, honey. Your grandparents all live pretty far away, so we don't see them very often. I'm sorry for that sweetie. I wish they all lived closer. We have a pretty good family here though. There's always going to be someone there for you, when you don't know you need them and even when you don't think you do. You have so many people that love you so much. You have Austin and Danny who love you so much and you're not even their kid. Mac and Jo and Jess and Flack will always be around for whatever you need. And me and daddy… we love you so much I can barely even talk about it. I hope that you always know that and you always feel that too. Even when you get older and we fight, because Lord knows that's going to happen. But no matter what I will always love you."

Avery hiccupped and Lindsay sat down on the bed, propping the baby up on her legs so she could look at her.

"Hi pretty. Let me wipe off those tears, they aren't very ladylike. There, much better. Are you a little calmer now, do you want to try and eat? Or maybe we should just sit here and take advantage of the fact that you're not crying for the first time in an hour."

Avery grunted and flexed her hands and Lindsay pushed her hair back, grinning when it stood straight up.

"You like having your head rubbed honey? Yeah, you're like a cat aren't you?"

"She gets that from you," Adam said from the doorway. Lindsay looked over at him and grinned as he walked over to the bed and sat down.

"Did the boys wake up?"

"Ben dropped his elephant and he was wandering around looking for it. I think he was sleep walking though. I put him back to bed."

"And Colton meanwhile, slept through an atomic bomb."

"Basically."

She chuckled and he put his arm around her, running his fingers through her tangled hair.

"Ouch that hurt."

"Sorry babe. You got a brush or something in here?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, looking over at her messy side table, the only part of the house that was ever a mess. "Maybe."

He chuckled and leaned over her, being careful of Avery while he rooted around for a brush. He finally found one, and began running it through her hair.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome babe. Think she's going to sleep?"

"She'd better. We've got a long day tomorrow."

"Want me to put her down?"

"Yeah, sure. Good night little girl."

They both kissed her and Adam settled her into the bassinet, then climbed back into bed himself, sighing and drawing Lindsay into his arms.

"I love you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her temple. "I'm sorry we fought earlier."

"Me too. I can't believe we got into the cliché "whose turn is it to take out the garbage" fight."

"Imagine if we'd included recyclables."

She giggled in the darkness and rolled over to face him, leaning in to kiss him deeply.

"I am even more in love with you at this moment than I ever have been in my life and I didn't think that was possible."

"Babies are like Miracle-Gro for love."

She snorted and tapped a finger against his chest.

"You're tired."

"So are you."

"Sleep?"

"Sounds awesome."

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too Linds."

* * *

Ben and Junior ran excitedly around the house, completing the loop of the lower level over and over and over again, laughing as they went and making racecar noises. Lindsay wanted to shush them but they were having so much fun and the looks on their faces were way too happy to put an end to. Avery was sleeping quite contentedly for a change, so the boys were allowed to run as much as they wanted. Adam was upstairs, making a gigantic fort in Avery's room, as it was furnitureless at the moment, and the boys had requested a gigantic castle to play with Legos in.

"Mama?" Ben said, huffing and puffing as he came into the room. "We hungry."

"Oh you are?"

"Hungry, Lin," Junior assured her. "Tummy's growlin'."

"Okay, what would you like for a snack?"

They looked at each other for a moment, contemplating such a big decision.

"Popcorn!" they announced together.

"I am pretty sure that could be done. Do you want to hold Avery while I make it?"

"Ben to hold sissy. Dunner hold sissy too."

"Yeah, I help Binyin," Junior added, climbing onto the couch. "We hold sissy."

Lindsay chuckled and arranged throw pillows under their arms so the baby would be safe and comfortable, then tucked her into their arms. They both started cooing at her, stroking her cheeks and her hands, talking softly and holding her as if she was breakable. Lindsay made sure they wouldn't move, then went into the kitchen and threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave.

"Hey Binyin?"

"Yeah?"

"What we play next?"

Ben sighed and thought for a minute.

"In fort. Daddy be done. Legos."

"Okay. I make dragons. You make dragons, Binyin?"

"Maybe," Ben shrugged. "Ben likes cars and a home."

"I could make a home. I make my home and you make your home?"

"Yeah. You have big home," he said, referring to the big building the Messer's lived in. "Ben have house."

Junior nodded and Ben sighed.

"Dunner like sissy?"

"Yeah, I like sissy. She little."

"Sissy cries and Ben cries. Ben not like sissy cryin'," he announced with a sad shake of his head.

"No baby in my home," Junior sighed. "Ma say I the baby."

Ben laughed.

"Oh Dunner, you not baby."

"Yup, I know."

Lindsay came back into the room with the bowl of popcorn and smiled at how still they were sitting.

"Can I take your picture, boys?"

"Yep!" they chorused, smiling before she'd even retrieved the camera. She snapped a few pictures before Ben shook his head and told her it was enough. She smiled and took Avery from them and they both reached for the popcorn bowl, shoving a handful into their mouths.

"Thanks Lin. This good popcorn," Junior said, rescuing a piece off his shirt.

"Yeah Lin, it's good."

"Hey Ben, I'm your mama, not your Lin."

"Yeah," Junior agreed. "My ma is your Austin!"

"Oh yeah," Ben nodded, standing up from the couch and walking to the bottom of the stairs. "Daddy! Fort done?"

"Yeah, come on up."

Hollering with glee, the boys grabbed the plastic bowl and headed up the stairs. They had to push aside a sheet that was hanging in the doorway of the bedroom and were immediately in a cave like blanket structure, a pile of Legos waiting for them in the middle of the floor. They squealed and slid to the floor, grabbing at the small pieces of plastic and shoving them together, chattering excitedly about what they were making.

"Can I stay in the fort and play with you guys?" Adam asked, eyeing the Legos.

"Yeah," Junior decided. "You okay, Uncle Adam."

"Thanks for that dude."

"Daddy, you help us?" Ben asked tipping his head to the side. "When Cole home?"

"I'm going to pick your brother up from school in an hour or so. Then you guys have the rest of the day and all night to play as much as you want."

"Yay!"

They all played together for almost an hour, making buildings and animals and nondescript blobs of blocks until they had no Legos left.

"Daddy go get Cole?"

"Yeah, I will. When we get back maybe I'll find the Lincoln logs and we can add to our city."

They clapped their hands in delight and set to work arranging the buildings just how they wanted them while Adam left to pick Colton up at school. They were so engrossed, they didn't even notice Lindsay standing outside the door listening to them. For the last few months she had been noticing that Junior spoke so much better than Ben did, as far as the words he used and the length of his sentences. She knew every kid was different and Ben could barely get a word in edgewise when Colton was talking non stop so much, but it had still worried her slightly. But as she stood there outside the room, she realized the boys were on more level playing fields that she had thought. She knew how Ben clammed up in front of strangers, how he let the other kids talk when it was just the family, and even around the dinner table, his sentences were short and to the point. But as he talked to Junior, she was surprised to learn that he could speak in full sentences, even asking more complex questions, and not leaving out so many words. He still referred to himself as Ben rather than I or me, but she wasn't wondering where all his connecting words were. It had taken him a while to speak and he hated saying words wrong, and maybe with Junior, who was learning at the same time he was, it was less of an issue for him to make mistakes. Maybe with Junior he was just more comfortable. At any rate, it settled her heart to know that her little boy was just fine.

* * *

"Hey Colton, no headlockin'!" Junior hollered as the wrestling got a little too intense for his liking. His sisters may have been scrappy fighters but he was more able to anticipate their moves. Ben and Colton were all boy when they wrestled, throwing down moves that Junior had never seen before, and quite frankly scared him a little. He sat back against the wall and watched as Colton and Ben tossed each other onto the carpet, pushing and pulling each other while they growled. Colton pinned Ben down on the floor and cleared his throat, preparing to spit.

"NO!" Ben shrieked, knowing what was about to happen. "Mama say no loogies!"

Colton stopped his preparations, then stared down at his brother.

"Okay Ben, but I still winned you on that one. Done wrestlin'?"

"Done," Ben agreed as they both got up from the floor. "Next?"

"I don't know," Colton shrugged. "What do you guys want to do?"

They looked at each other and shrugged.

"I'll go ask daddy. He will have an idea."

Colton raced down the stairs and Ben fixed his socks so they weren't almost falling off.

"Mama will say it's time for bed," he reported with a sigh. "We sleep in the fort, okay, Dunner?"

"Okay."

"You miss your ma?"

"Yeah, but she comin' tomorrow," he yawned, rubbing his eyes.

"I'm happy it was our birthdays."

"Yep. We're three now. What do we do when we're three Binyin?"

"I don't know. Ride bikes."

"Yeah! Let's ride bikes."

"You can ride bikes later," Adam said as he came into the room with a very unhappy Colton. "For now it's time for bed."

"But daddy-"

"Colton, mama and I both said it's time for bed and you don't need to argue. We let you stay up late tonight, but you still need to get up in the morning. That means it's bedtime."

Colton sighed and opened his dresser drawer, finding some pajamas for himself and some for Ben. Junior got his out of his backpack and they all changed quickly, running into the bathroom to brush their teeth.

"Daddy, Ben say night night to sissy."

"Yeah go ahead. She's downstairs with mama."

They all went downstairs into the living room where Avery was fussing and Lindsay was getting frustrated with it.

"Night Avery. See you in the morning. Don't be sad, I love you," Colton said, kissing her cheek.

"Sleepy sissy. Ben loves sissy."

"I love sissy too," Junior said, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "Dream good ones."

They said goodnight to Lindsay as well, then went upstairs, climbing into the sleeping bags that Adam had rolled out in the blanket fort.

"Alright, no playing in here, it's time to sleep."

"We know, daddy. We're just gonna tell stories," Colton said, rolling onto his stomach. "Night."

"Goodnight boys. Sleep good."

He closed the door and they all wiggled around, yawning and finding comfortable positions on the hard floor.

"Night Ben," Colton whispered, reaching out to bump knuckles with his brother.

"Sleep night Cole. Sleep night Dunner."

"Night bye, brothers."

* * *

It was an early morning full of pancakes and shouting from the boys, and spitting up and crying from Avery. Lindsay was exhausted, refusing to look into any reflective surfaces because she knew she had bags under her eyes. Adam wasn't much better, falling asleep at the table, as he couldn't sleep when his daughter and his wife were both uncomfortable.

"Lin? More please?" Junior asked, wrapping his arms around her leg and looking up at her with round eyes.

"You look like your dad when he wants me to do his paperwork for him."

Junior giggled as Lindsay crouched down to hug him. He hugged her back tightly and she smiled, feeling a little frustration melt away.

"You can have as much more as you want, guy."

"Two more?"

"As you wish."

She put the pancakes on his plate and handed it to him, smirking at the way he walked to the table, resembling his father even in his gait, then falling off the chair he was trying to climb on, just like Austin would have.

"Daddy?" Colton asked, shaking Adam's shoulder. "Daddy, you're droolin' on your pancakes, daddy."

"Huh?"

"You're usin' your drool for syrup!"

Adam sat up and rubbed his eyes and shook his head.

"Honey, do you want coffee?" Lindsay asked, feeling sorry for him.

"I'm not having any if you can't have any."

She shook her head and handed Avery to him.

"I'm making you coffee. Hold the grump."

He gave her a half smile and took his daughter, kissing her cheeks despite her crying. She breathed deeply at the contact, opening her eyes to look at him before wailing again. He held her against his shoulder and she moved on to whimpering.

"That better?" he asked, rubbing his hand over her small back. She hiccupped and sniffled and he kissed her head.

The front door opened and Austin came in, stomping the show off her boots.

"Hi ma!" Junior shouted, waving his fork in the air in greeting. "Whuddup?"

"Not much home slice, just chillin' with my homies," she answered, leaning down to kiss his head.

"Word up," he replied with a nod.

"Did you have fun with your homies?"

"I down with it."

"That's phat, yo."

He giggled and shook his head while Adam and Lindsay just stared at her.

"What?" she asked, brushing her hand over Avery's head. "I gotta keep up with the times."

They snickered and she moved to steal a bite of Adam's pancakes, but his hand shot out to grab her wrist.

"Normally I would have let you eat those, but I am feeling nice today."

"What, are they bad?"

"Daddy drooled on 'em!" Colton reported. "He was sleepin' at the table."

"And now I am totally turned off to pancakes," she chuckled. "Need some caffeine there geek boy?"

"I'm trying to be the company that misery loves," Adam said as Lindsay put a cup of instant coffee in front of him. "But she won't let me."

"She loves you."

"Yeah, I know."

She smiled and moved into the kitchen where Lindsay was washing the dishes and yawning so hard her eyes were watering.

"You alright there Linds?"

She nodded, suppressing another yawn.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Look at me."

Lindsay sighed and looked up, her eyes betraying the rest of her cool exterior.

"Oh come here," Austin said with a wry chuckle, pulling her friend into her arms and just holding her for a minute. "What's bugging you the most?"

"She cries so much. I don't know why. I can't fix it. I think it's just colic, but she's so little, it shouldn't have started this soon. And I can't sleep and Adam can't sleep and I have never been so tired in my life."

"It'll get better. I promise and I'm not just saying it to say it. It will. You'll figure it out, she'll outgrow it, whatever," she encouraged, pulling away to look Lindsay in the eye. "Have you called her doctor?"

"Yeah. He keeps suggesting vaccines I don't want to give her. We have an appointment tomorrow and I'm worried that she's not gaining weight but he doesn't seem to think it's an issue right now."

"Listen to your mommy instincts, Linds. If you feel there's something more wrong with her, then you need to advocate for that."

"I know. And I will. I'm just beyond exhausted right now."

"Do you want me to take the boys so you can get some rest? I don't mind."

"No, we haven't had much time together just us since she was born. We promised them a movie night. So basically I have to sit through _Megamind_. Again."

"At least you have an excuse for falling asleep."

"I guess."

Austin chuckled and went back into the dining room.

"Come on dude, time to go."

Junior nodded and picked up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder, then hugging Ben.

"Bye Binyin. I had fun."

"Ben have fun too, Dunner. Again?"

"Yep."

They high fived in promise and Austin giggled before leaning down to kiss Avery's head.

"Bye bug-a-boo. Ease up on your mama and daddy a little, okay?"

She grunted in response and Adam sighed.

"I can't wait until she's a teenager."

"At least she'll cry behind her slammed door then."

"True."

She gave the baby one more kiss and zipped up Junior's coat so they could leave.

"What now?" Ben asked, as silence descended on the house.

"Why don't you two go play in your room and let me and mama get some rest."

"Okay, we can do that," Colton agreed, sliding down from his chair. "C'mon Ben."

They scampered off into their room and Lindsay sat down at the table, sighing as Avery let out another squawk.

"Oh little girl," she sighed, shaking her head. "I wish I could fix you."


	163. Chapter 163

"Please baby girl. Please stop crying. I don't know how to help you anymore," Lindsay pleaded, walking across the length of the bedroom and trying not to jiggle her too much as that seemed to make the screaming worse. Avery screeched at the top of her lungs, arching her back in discomfort, her face beet red. They'd tried everything they could think of, from a warm bath to a ride in the car to letting her cry it out to cuddling her for hours on end. But she wouldn't stop. The doctor had said it was just early colic, the spitting up was normal and it would pass. Unfortunately that had been a week ago, and Avery had yet to go a day without marathon crying jags, spitting up, and she still wasn't gaining weight. Lindsay was worried, but she didn't know what else to do about it. The internet didn't offer many solutions and her mother instincts were so tired, they weren't saying anything. It was enough to make her break down in tears and she sunk down on the bed, holding Avery tight and crying it out with her.

"I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm trying, I really am. I just don't know how to help anymore."

Avery let out quite possibly the loudest shriek to date and threw her hear back as best she could.

Lindsay picked up her phone, her fingers shaking as she dialed the number, sniffling and trying to get her emotions under control.

"Hello?"

"I don't know what to do anymore," she sniffled, without greeting.

"Lindsay? Honey, are you okay?" Jo asked, hearing the screams and going on high alert.

"She won't stop crying. She's in pain from something and I can't get her to stop."

"Is she just crying or is she squirmy or-"

"She's screaming and she arches her back a lot but she can't even hold her head up so I try to hold onto her but I can't so I put her down and then she screams louder and I pick her up and she freaks out some more and I just can't fix it. I don't know what to do."

"Is she spitting up a lot?"

"Every time she eats, which isn't that often."

"Do you have any Mylanta?"

"What?"

"Just trust me. Give her two ml's of Mylanta. I promise it will help."

"Are you sure?"

"Sweetheart, I'm positive. I wouldn't tell you to do anything that would hurt her. Just try it."

Lindsay stood up and went downstairs to the bathroom, finding the Mylanta and the medicine dropper. It took a minute, but she finally saw her opening as Avery wailed pathetically, her mouth wide open like a baby bird. She dropped the medicine in and waited a few moments until the crying slowed and stopped.

"Was I right or was I right?"

"You… you were right. How did you know?"

"My niece did the same thing when she was a baby. Her mouth is dry, right?"

"Yeah."

"You need to take her to the doctor."

"But-"

"Right now. She's got reflux and it sounds really bad and they're going to need to give her some medicine."

"Are you sure?"

"Lindsay, you need to take her in. Especially if she's not eating."

"I can't… Adam had to go to work and I have the boys and-"

"I will meet you at the hospital and take care of the boys, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

* * *

It felt like the walls were closing in on her and the screaming was getting louder and louder. The doctor was trying to start an IV in Avery's foot and she was none too happy about it. Lindsay didn't want to look for fear she would pass out or just pick her up and run away. Adam was on his way, probably in the hospital already, and she needed him to hurry up because she couldn't do this on her own anymore. It was just too much and she felt like such a failure. Protection and healing, that was her job as a mother, and she hadn't been able to do it at all.

"Okay, I'm going to start the line," the doctor said finally, causing Lindsay to scowl.

"I thought that's what you were doing!" she snapped, completely out of character for her.

"I had to make sure she had a good vein. She's dehydrated and tiny so it's a lot harder."

Lindsay sighed and looked down at her screaming daughter, wishing desperately to take that pain away, to put it on herself.

"Okay, all done. We'll get some fluids in her and see where we need to go from there. You can hold her if you want. I'll be back in fifteen minutes. Just page the nurse if you need anything."

She nodded and the doctor left the room, the door closing behind him.

"Oh sweetie I am so, so sorry. I know that wasn't fun. It will help you to get better, I promise," she said in the calmest voice she could muster as she picked the baby up and held her close. "It's okay. You're going to feel better soon, I promise."

They both calmed down a little, Avery still fussing but not screaming and Lindsay sniffling but not crying. They were rocking back and forth in the chair, looking at each other intently when Adam came in, panic on his face.

"Is she okay? Are you okay? What's going on?"

"She's going to be fine, honey," Lindsay assured, even though her stomach was still in knots. "The doctor says she's got severe reflux and she's dehydrated, but they can help her and we can take her home later tonight probably."

He let out a relieved sigh and ran his hand over Avery's face.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't here, little girl. I came as fast as I could."

"I think she just said that it's okay because you're here now."

"How are you doing?" he asked, turning his attention to his wife and running his fingers through her hair.

"Just mildly freaking out."

"And ten minutes ago?"

"Completely wigged. I just feel so guilty. I should have brought her in sooner. Everything in me told me to bring her in but I didn't listen to it. I just went with what the pediatrician said and I let her down."

"Sweetie, you didn't let her down. She's here now."

"I know but if I had brought her in sooner she wouldn't be dehydrated. If I had brought her in sooner it would have been so many less days of pain. She wouldn't have cried so much, we wouldn't have lost so much sleep. I failed her, Adam. I really just… I screwed up. I'm a horrible mother."

"You are not. Lindsay look at me. You are not a horrible mother. Do you understand?"

"I am. A better mother would have figured it out and helped her and I didn't. I didn't do that. She deserves better and she should hate me forever and-"

"Stop it right now. Honey, every parent makes mistakes. You've got to give up on the idea of being the perfect mother because sooner or later, you're going to slip up. And me and the kids will still love you just as much. It doesn't matter to us. But you're beating yourself up for something that's not your fault. And maybe you just need to say these things to get them out of your head, and that's fine. I get that. But don't you dare ever say that you're a horrible mother again. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah."

"She's going to be fine, right?"

"Yeah, she is."

"Then it's all okay."

"I just don't want her to hurt. She shouldn't have to go through this. She should feel safe all the time. She doesn't understand it and I don't even know if she's scared, but I mean, she would have to be, right?"

"I don't know. Right now she just needs you to hold her and comfort her and let her know it's going to be okay."

"I just feel like… maybe… never mind, it's stupid."

"What?" he asked, stroking her hand and looking into her eyes.

She was quiet for a long moment, looking down at Avery who was staring up at her with wide blue eyes.

"I'm afraid that I haven't bonded to her the way I did with the boys. And I'm afraid I can't get that back."

"Honey, what are you telling me? Do you think you don't love her?"

"No, I know I do. I love her so much I can't put it into words. I just feel like there's a connection missing. I can't really explain it. It's stupid."

"It is not stupid, Lindsay. You feel it, it's real."

"I've spent so much time just trying to calm her down and get her to stop crying, I don't feel like I've really learned her."

"I feel that a little too. Like when Colton was born and we weren't the ones taking care of him. When he was in the NICU and the nurses took care of everything. It was hard to believe we were his parents. It was hard to know what we were supposed to do. We were so focused on getting him strong that we didn't really look at him. But we managed, didn't we? When things slowed down again it got better."

"Yeah. I guess I forgot about that."

"It'll get better. You're exhausted, she's exhausted, she hasn't been eating right and that doesn't help things either. It's going to be just fine once we get this under control."

"Thank you."

The doctor came in at that moment, checking Avery's IV before adding a medication to the bag.

"That should start to help with the acid in a little while, but if she starts to get more uncomfortable, page the nurse."

"We will. Thanks."

They fell into silence after the doctor left, watching Avery as she sniffled and yawned, fighting sleep as best she could.

"I'm going to call Jo, make sure the boys are alright. You okay here for a minute?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

He kissed them both and left the room quietly. Lindsay looked down at Avery, brushed her cheeks gently and kissed her forehead. They locked eyes for a moment and Lindsay couldn't help the tears that rolled down her face; tears of relief and tears of guilt. She held Avery close and cried so hard she couldn't stop. She'd been so scared that the crying would be a siren call for her depression, that the lack of eating would take a permanent toll, and a myriad of other things that had wandered through her mind on those sleepless nights.

She cried for several minutes before calming, then looking down at Avery and seeing that she was asleep. Finally, after so many days and nights of light sleep if any at all, she seemed to be really sleeping hard, her mouth slightly open in total relaxation. She was the most beautiful, perfect baby girl that Lindsay had ever seen, and her tears stopped as she looked down at her. They would both be okay.

* * *

"Hello there most beautiful girl," Adam whispered, lifting Avery out of her carseat and snuggling her close. "This is more like it. Yeah, this no screaming thing I could get used to."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head, looking through the discharge papers from the hospital, and through the list of foods she couldn't eat if she was going to continue nursing. There wasn't some magic cure for the reflux, she would continue to battle it, but if they took the preventative measures there would be less frequent occurrences and the pain would be a lot less. The doctor had prescribed formula, the same stuff Colton had been on that was quite possibly the most disgusting substance known to man, but they didn't have to give it to her unless everything got worse. Sighing, she put the papers on the fridge, then made sure the discharge papers and anything they would need for her medical file were tucked safely into the drawer full of bills before she went out and joined Adam on the couch. Jo had fed the boys dinner and put them to bed, and they had thanked her profusely for everything before she'd left. Lindsay's heart pounded in fright, wondering what would have happened if Jo hadn't been there for them. She didn't want to think about it.

"You okay, honey?" Adam asked, glancing over at her and noticing that she was biting her lip.

"Yeah. I'm just overwhelmed, overtired."

"Should we go to bed?"

"Yeah. I need to feed her first."

"You do that. I'll lock up and check on the boys."

He handed Avery to her and went to check all the doors and windows. He'd gotten even more vigilant about it when they'd moved into the house, especially now that the kids bedrooms were so far away from theirs. He really was afraid of someone breaking in during the night and she didn't tease him for it because she had been scared of the same thing.

She went upstairs to their bedroom and turned the heat up just a little higher, then changed Avery's rumpled and uncomfortable pajamas. She got a deep stare and a spit bubble for her efforts, and she smiled, taking in the silence and comfort.

"Oh baby, you look so much happier now. I'm so glad you're better. Do you want to try eating?"

Avery whimpered and Lindsay held her close, keeping her voice level and peaceful.

"It's okay sweetness, it's not going to make your tummy hurt this time. You've got medicine in you now, okay? It's going to be just fine. See? It's okay."

They sat in silence for a while, Lindsay inspecting every inch of her daughter that she could see, taking in the curves of her face and the slope of her nose and all the tiniest bits that she'd been missing before. They held hands for a few moments, getting wrapped up in each other as the rest of the world faded into gray.

Avery finished eating and Lindsay sat her up, rubbing her back to get her to burp, as patting her could upset her stomach. The baby burped and squawked, then settled back down, breathing deeply in exhaustion.

"Hey, the boys wanted to see their sister," Adam said softly from the door as Ben and Colton tried to crowd past him.

"Avery! You're not cryin'!" Colton noted, rushing over to kiss her cheek. "You are so much cuter now."

"Ben hold sissy?"

"No, there will be time to hold her and love her tomorrow. She needs a lot of rest right now, okay? I promise, tomorrow you can hold her all you want."

"Okay mama," Ben sighed, running his hand over the top of his sisters head. "Love sissy."

"Sissy loves you too."

They both kissed her goodnight and went back down stairs while Adam climbed onto the bed and laid down, sighing deeply.

"Being a parent is hard work."

"Only took you six years to figure that out?" Lindsay asked, moving to lean against her pillows.

"Yeah. Can I hold my daughter?"

"Excuse me?"

"Our daughter."

"And?"

"Please?"

She smiled and shook her head.

"No."

"What? Hey, I haven't held her hardly at all!"

"Oh fine."

They made the transfer quickly and Avery curled up on Adam's chest while he rubbed her back. They took a long while to stare at each other, and Lindsay kept quiet, not wanting to miss it. He was such a good daddy already, but seeing him with his daughter continually took her breath away. He was soft and gentle and loved their daughter near desperately.

"I really think she looks like you Linds."

"Yeah?"

"I can't quite say what it is exactly. There's something about her that's just like you."

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She smiled and brushed her fingers through his hair.

"I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Austin called earlier and I should call her back before she worries herself into an ulcer."

"That might be a good idea."

She kissed him again and went downstairs where her cell phone sat on the kitchen counter.

"What's going on?" Austin asked desperately, without so much as a greeting. "Just texting me that she's fine is not adequate."

"I'm sorry. But she really is fine now."

"Okay. Are you alright?"

"I'm getting there. Lots of mommy guilt but it's going away."

"I'm hugging you both later. Deal?"

"Deal."

"So Danny and I were talking about Christmas earlier."

"What about it?"

"Well we weren't sure what you guys were doing Christmas eve, but we thought we could all get together for dinner and the kids could open their presents from each other. We both kind of feel bad that you guys don't really have anywhere to go at Christmas and we thought maybe this could make up for that at least a little."

"We can probably do that. Adam works that night, but maybe we can do something in the morning."

"Yes please. Come over early and we'll have breakfast. And then I am keeping you all day because I am not going to send you home to an empty house. Got it?"

"I got it. I'll double check with Adam, but count us in."

"I always count you in, Lindsay. Even when you're like "Austin there is no way on God's green earth I am doing that," I still count you in."

"I love you too."

"Go get some sleep. I'll talk to you later."

"Goodnight."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay went back upstairs, finding Adam and Avery both asleep just how she had left them. She couldn't resist a few pictures before taking the baby and settling her into the crib.

"Sleep good baby girl. I'll see you in a few hours."

She climbed into bed and closed her eyes, reveling in the silence and peace.


	164. Chapter 164

"And we really get two whole days of Christmas?" Colton asked for the seventh time as the elevator went up to the top floor.

"Yes, two whole days," Lindsay confirmed again. "Don't question it bud."

"Just roll with it?"

"Yep, just roll with it."

He nodded and waited for the elevator to stop, rushing out when the doors opened.

"C'mon Ben, let's go see the kids!"

Ben followed him down the hall and they knocked on the door before opening it.

"Hey Messers, we're here!" Colton hollered. "I brunged presents!"

There was squealing from the rest of the kids as they all piled up in front of the door chattering excitedly about Christmas and trees and presents and ornaments. None of them had really been told about Santa Claus, and they were all too inquisitive to ever be fooled about it anyway.

"I thought you would never get here," Austin said, closing the door behind them all. "It is so not like you to be late."

"Yes well we forgot about planning for every hang up."

"What she means is there was a diaper explosion."

"What he means is I cleaned it up while he played Nintendo."

"What she means is… ah never mind, she's right."

Austin chuckled and shook her head, then took Avery from Lindsay and kissed her cheeks.

"Hey bug-a-boo. I've been missing you something crazy. Thanks for having an exploding diaper before you came to see me. It's very considerate of you."

"Yeah, we raise our kids to be ultra polite," Lindsay chuckled.

"Can we open presents now?" Isa asked jumping as high as she could to get into Austin's line of vision.

"Yeah, if you go tell daddy to get his scrawny butt out here."

"Daddy! Get your scrawny butt out here!"

"And apparently the verb "go" was lost in translation," Austin muttered as Danny came out of the other room.

"Alright, hold your horses."

Isa squealed and the kids ran to sit by the tree, bouncing up and down excitedly while their parents sat down on the couches.

"I think maybe we should wait a while before we let them open presents," Adam said.

"Yeah, like an hour or two?" Danny added, watching the kids for a melt down.

"That's probably a good idea."

"I know you two are just teasin' and I want you to know it's not funny," Colton sighed.

"Okay, okay. Go for it but only open the presents you got for each other."

They all squealed and ripped into the brightly wrapped boxes, shouting in gratitude and trying to get the toys out.

"Mama look, mama look!" Colton hollered, so excited he could barely speak. "I got this sky light thing! It makes the whole sky on my ceiling! Oh my gosh, it's just so amazing!"

They all laughed at his reaction, but he didn't seem to mind, rushing over to Adam to open the box.

"Bud why don't we leave it in the box for now so it doesn't get wrecked?"

"Okay but can we do that as soon as we get home? I wanna sleep under the stars like mama does in Montana."

"We'll try to remember."

He nodded and joined the kids again, helping Isa to read the instructions on her music memory game. Junior tried to get his walkie-talkies open while Ben concentrated on his robot and Sarah examined her charm bracelet kit. They were all excited about their gifts and after they'd begged for batteries and everything else they needed to play with them, they were pretty much occupied. Their parents sat on the couches and yawned; it had been an early morning with rambunctious kids on all their parts and they were slowly feeling the effects of that.

"Guess it's time for someone to make breakfast," Austin sighed, looking pointedly at Danny.

"Who me?"

"You lost the coin toss."

He sighed and stood up.

"C'mon cupcake, I ain't doin' this alone."

"I'll keep you from burning the place down," Adam said following him into the kitchen.

"So what are you guys doing tomorrow?" Austin asked, adjusting Avery in her arms.

"Adam says he wants Christmas to last all day long. I don't know what that means or how he's going to do that, but I'm too tired to question it. What are you guys doing?"

"Hitting the Bronx. Listening to hours of the grandmas bemoaning how we never let them see their grandchildren. Drinking my weight in wassail and possibly eggnog if it's not spiked too much."

"You're going to be so sick."

"Probably."

Lindsay smiled and yawned.

"You okay there?"

"Yeah. She wakes up a lot at night. She wants to be held all the time so she wakes up even when she's not hungry and cries until we pick her up."

"Why don't you just let her sleep in the bed with you?"

"We usually do now but we don't want to make it a habit."

"You love it."

"What?"

"Having such a cuddly baby. They boys were always content to be in their cribs or something, but you love that she wants to be held."

"Yeah, I do."

"You're exhausted though."

"I am. I'm glad Colton's on Christmas break. He helps me with her so much. He holds her when I don't have enough hands, and he'll rock her to sleep if I need to do something else. He is so good with her. It really takes a lot of pressure off of me now that Adam's back at work."

"You're proud of Colton, aren't you?"

"He was born to be a big brother. He loves it."

"I can tell," Austin said, looking over and watching Ben sitting in Colton's lap as they played with a toy.

Lindsay nodded and looked over at Avery, smiling as she woke up.

"Hey beautiful. Did we wake you up?" she asked, stroking the baby's cheeks. Avery stretched and grunted, her arms in the air and her fingers fanned out as she looked at her mama. She cooed a little and blinked several times opening and closing her mouth.

"I forgot what newborns are like," Austin sighed, running her hand over Avery's head. "I love her stick up hair."

"Me too."

"I've missed her."

"I know. I hate that we've all been so busy lately. We've missed you guys a lot."

"I think I've only held her for a couple of hours all together."

"Well you can have her all day."

"Not if she's going to cry and need to eat," Austin chuckled as Avery scrunched up her face.

"She's not hungry, she ate less than an hour ago."

"Diaper?"

"Nah, shouldn't be."

"She just needs her plug, mama," Colton said, expertly putting the binkie into his sister's mouth. "See, now she's happy again. Right baby Aves? I know what you need."

He kissed her head and went back to playing and Lindsay chuckled.

"Okay, seriously, you have the sweetest kids in the world."

"Yeah, well so do you."

"Very true."

Avery whined and spit her binkie out, kicking her legs against Austin's stomach.

"What does she want?"

"To be cuddled better."

"Better? She's particular about how she's held?"

"She wouldn't be my child if she wasn't. She wants you to pick her up. She doesn't want to just lay on your legs like that."

"Seriously?" Austin chuckled, lifting Avery up and settling her in against her chest.

"Seriously. See? Now all she needs is her plug and she'll be happy."

"I forgot what it's like to learn your baby like that."

"It's kind of fun. And frustrating when the learning curve isn't so great."

"You seem to be doing a lot better now that she's not breathing fire anymore."

"Yeah, I was worried there for a while."

"How come?"

"Thought it might never stop. Thought that she'd hate me because I couldn't make her better."

"Oh Linds."

"It was just crazy worries. We're good now. She loves her mama."

"Yeah she does. She watches you so close."

"I know. She does not like me out of her sight."

"You should crash out for a while. You look really tired."

"I am, but if I sleep now I'll screw up my schedule."

"Vicious circle."

Lindsay smiled and reached over to take her daughter's hand.

"Totally worth it."

* * *

"Okay, I gotta head to work," Adam said, bringing a glass into the kitchen and setting it next to the sink where the girls were doing the dishes.

"Already?"

"Yeah."

"Where's our daughter?" Lindsay asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

"Danny's got her, she's fine. I'll see you when I get home."

He leaned down and stole a kiss then stroked her hair back and took another before leaving the apartment.

"Aww, he loves you."

"Yeah, somethin' fierce," Lindsay chuckled, drying her hands on a towel as Ben tugged on her pants.

"Mama hold Ben please."

She leaned down and picked him up, smiling when he wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Ben loves mama."

"Mama loves Ben."

"Happy Chris'mas."

"You sound British."

"That how 'Mione says it."

"Has daddy been letting you watch Harry Potter again?"

"The boy what lived," he confirmed.

"I am so proud of you right now."

Austin snorted and shook her head.

"Nerds."

"Excuse me, we're not nerds. Not in this situation anyway. We're geeks."

"What's the difference?"

"Nerds have to do with academics, like a math nerd or a grammar nerd. Geeks are about more superficial things, like comics and internet memes. Therefore, in the context of this conversation, we're geeks."

"I think you are a nerd of the distinction between nerd and geek."

"See, now you're catching on."

Ben giggled at their banter, then leaned back to look at Lindsay.

"Hey mama?"

"Hey Ben?"

"Accio snacks?"

"You just had breakfast."

"Okay. Hasta la vista baby."

He wiggled back down to the floor and Austin and Lindsay gave each other the same look.

"Do you ever think that your kids are even weirder than you and Adam thought they would be?"

"Yes. It's frightening."

"They're cute when they're weird."

"Yes they are. I'd better go check on the girl."

She went out to the front room and stopped in her tracks, grinning at what she saw. Danny was asleep in the recliner with Avery on his chest. She was sleeping too, and he had one hand over her back while the other held onto her feet. Sarah had snuggled up with them and had her head on Danny's shoulder and was rubbing Avery's arm and whispering to her quietly.

"Hey Austin, come here," Lindsay whispered. Austin came out of the kitchen with a quirked eyebrow, but then grinned at the trio in the chair.

"That's precious. Pictures?"

"Absolutely."

They only managed a few pictures before Sarah noticed them and smiled.

"I was just telling the baby Avery how she's my best friend. We're gonna stick together, you know?"

"Yeah, I bet you will," Lindsay chuckled, leaning down to kiss Sarah's head. "She'll be very lucky to have a best friend like you."

"We will be best friends like you and mommy. We will go have coffee a lot and we'll tell jokes that no one else thinks is funny. And someday I will have babies and she will have babies and they will be best friends too!"

"That sounds like a really good plan."

"Yep, I thinked of it on my own. We will all be a family forever and ever amen."

Lindsay smiled in agreement and Avery started to fuss, having been woken up by the talking. Danny's eyes snapped open and he glared at Lindsay when she took the baby from him.

"We were in the middle of a nap."

"I know that look on your face Daniel Messer," Austin warned with a grin. "We're not having another one."

"But look how cute and small she is!"

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"Well fine, then can I have her back?"

"I'd let you Danny, but you can't feed her."

"Too much information, Montana."

"I never said I wasn't blunt."

"Can I have her majesty back when she's done eating?"

"Absolutely if you don't mind getting puked on."

"What's a little puke between family?"

Lindsay sighed and looked over at Austin with a raised eyebrow.

"I know. You don't have to tell me."

* * *

Adam arrived home late that night, stepping inside and stomping the snow off of his shoes, then closing the door behind him. It had been a long shift and he was tired, hoping the boys would stay in bed until a decent time before jumping up and begging to open more presents. He made his way through the house, checking the doors and windows that Lindsay had probably already checked, then heading upstairs to look in on the boys. They were both sleeping soundly and he tucked the blankets closer around them, kissing them both before going up the last set of stairs.

Lindsay had left a small lamp on, and he changed his clothes by the light of it before shutting it off. He went to the cradle and looked down at Avery who was sleeping with her arms stretched up almost to the top of her head. He wanted to pick her up and hold her for a little while, but he didn't want to wake her either, so he left her alone. Carefully, he slid into bed, smiling when Lindsay moved back against him and grabbed his arm, tightening it around her waist.

"Hey love."

"Hi."

"Did they go to bed okay?"

"Yeah. I told them they had to be in bed for at least eight hours so the sooner they fell asleep the sooner they could get up."

"Crafty," he said, dropping a kiss to her temple.

"Mmm," was her only reply.

He chuckled and it sent a shiver down her spine and her eyes opened, despite how tired she was. She turned over in his arms and ran her hand over his face before leaning in to kiss him.

"I love you," he whispered softly.

"I love you too."

"I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

"No Ben, I wanna be in the middle of mama and daddy!"

"No Cole! Ben there!"

"No, it's my turn to be in the middle! 'Member you got in the middle yesterday!"

"Ben's turn," Ben whimpered, letting a tear fall and looking up at his brother.

"Oh fine."

Ben grinned and went to move between his parents, then sighed.

"Cole? Sissy there."

"Aw man! Now we gotta make it Avery's turn!"

Lindsay chuckled and opened her eyes, rescuing Avery from the bed and letting the boys both settle in between her and Adam.

"Did we stay in bed long enough mama?"

"Maybe, but let's let daddy sleep some more, he had to work late."

"I'm already awake," Adam said, not opening his eyes. "I can take a nap later."

"It's six in the morning honey."

He shrugged and sat up, rubbing his eyes and grabbing a book off of his side table.

"You guys want to read a chapter before we open presents?"

"Yeah!" they chorused happily, cuddling into the blankets while Adam cracked the book open and Lindsay found a blanket to wrap Avery in while she ate. The boys sat enraptured at the story of _Matilda_, Colton leaning over to try and read along. Adam read them a full chapter, then book marked it and put it back on the table.

"I wish I could have powers like Matilda," Colton sighed.

"What would you do with them?"

"I would make my own breakfast in the morning and make my dirty clothes float to the hamper."

"Spoken like a true man," Lindsay chuckled.

"Are you boys ready for presents?"

"Yep!"

"Wait!" Ben hollered, causing them all to turn and look at him. "Cole school got Trunchbull?"

"No Ben," Colton sighed. "Trunchbull is a _fictional character_. I learned that in school. Means she's not real. Like Darth Vader."

"Darth Vader not real!"

"Well he's not _not_ real," Adam explained. "You know, because in the beginning, it says "A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." So really, we don't know that Darth Vader wasn't real a long long time ago. But he's not real in our world."

Ben sighed sadly and looked down at his hands.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah buddy?"

Ben looked up at him, tears filling his eyes.

"Is Yoda real?" he squeaked as he started to cry.

"Oh yeah buddy," Adam chuckled taking Ben into his arms. "Of course Yoda is real!"

He waved his hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi and Colton pointed at him, shocked.

"Ben, daddy just did a Jedi mind trick on you!"

"No, no, that was just a reflex! I was talking about the force, it just happened! Yoda's real."

Ben sighed and flopped down on the bed, burying his face in the comforter.

"Ben not know what is true."

"Hey," Adam started, lifting him up. "Look buddy, it's kind of hard to explain. Yoda is like a characterization of wisdom and goodness. So he doesn't really exist like you couldn't shake his hand, but he does exist in your mind. And that means he'll never go away."

Ben nodded in understanding and wiped his tears away.

"Ben learn force now."

"You work on that, buddy. Should we go open presents now?"

"Yep. Ben open first," he said, waving his hand.

"Honey, you really screwed the pooch on that one," Lindsay chuckled, standing up from the bed.

"I did my best!" he defended as the boys ran down the stairs. She just smiled and shook her head, following the happy shouts and squeals as the boys saw all the presents by the tree.

"Bikes, bikes! We got bikes! Mama, we got bikes!"

She chuckled and sat down on the couch, sitting Avery up in her lap so they wouldn't have any reflux problems this morning.

"Do you like them?"

"They're so cool, mama! Can we go ride them now?"

"Yeah now?"

"Maybe later today if it's not too cold. Do you want to get into your stockings?"

"Yeah! Daddy can you get them off the thingie?"

"Should we let Avery open hers first?"

"Daddy, she won't even know what it is! She's a baby."

"I know, but there's some stuff in there for her," Adam said, taking the stockings off the mantle. He handed Lindsay the pink Converse stocking and she unloaded it, pulling out binkies and cowboy boot socks and little bows for her hair.

"Well that's all good but can we open now?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

They dumped their Converse stockings on the floor, inspecting everything inside and thanking Lindsay and Adam after every item. They were up to their ankles in candy, colored pencils and Playmobil toys and barely knew what to use first.

"Why don't we have some breakfast and then we can open some more presents?"

They boys agreed and they trooped into the kitchen. Adam held Avery and helped the boys get their Playmobil's out of the boxes. Lindsay made a fast breakfast of French toast and eggs, and pretty soon they were all sitting on stools at the counter, eating and talking and teasing. Avery was falling back to sleep in her daddy's arms and Lindsay was suddenly thrown forward to next year. The boys would be a little bigger, Avery would be sitting in a high chair with syrup on her face and her red hair in barrettes and they would all be happy and laughing. She would be nostalgic for today of course, and all the years before, but at the same time would be looking ahead to all that was to come.

* * *

They unwrapped presents every few hours, making the delight of the morning stretch all the way until after dinner. The boys had stars in their eyes all day long, wondering what they were going to open next and figuring out their new toys. It took a lot out of them though, so it was early to bubble bath and early to bed. Adam had turned on music in the bathroom and Ben had put in too many bubbles, so the tub was filled to the brim as they danced around happily. Their bare feet slapped against the floor as they hopped around, limbs flailing in time with the techno music. Adam laughed and finally managed to wrangle them into the tub where they both continued to dance while he tried to balance laughing and washing their hair. He finally got them both scrubbed and rinsed and let them keep dancing around while he cleaned up the water that has splashed onto the floor.

"Hey babe," he shouted out the door as Lindsay walked by. "Can you grab some pajamas out for the boys?"

"We have Christmas pajamas for them to unwrap still."

"You didn't do that last night?"

"No, you weren't home. We didn't want you to be left out."

"I appreciate that."

"You can make it up to me later," she said, leaning down to kiss him.

"You want a back rub don't you?"

"Yes please, thank you for suggesting it."

He grinned and was about to give her a cheeky response when Ben suddenly lost his footing and slipped under the water. His feet shot up in the air then splashed down under the bubbles. Just as Adam was about to reach in and grab him he stood back up, covered in bubbles from head to toe. There was a moment of silence as he stood there and Colton continued to dance, oblivious to what had just happened.

"Buddy, you okay?"

"I want out," he said in a deep voice close to tears, trying not to open his mouth for fear of bubbles getting in.

"You want oot? Are you Canadian now?"

"I want out," he repeated. Adam chuckled and rinsed him off, then lifted him out of the tub and dried him off with a towel.

"Better? Go get in your skivvies if you think you can stay dry tonight."

He nodded and went into the bedroom while Colton finished his bath and his dancing.

Soon the boys were clean and dressed in their new pajama's, tucked into their beds and falling asleep quickly.

"Goodnight boys, we love you."

They closed the door halfway and Adam took the baby from Lindsay.

"Why don't you go take your own bubble bath and relax for a while? I'll take care of Avery, you go chill."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. You need some peace and quiet. There's bottles in the fridge so you can sit in there until the water gets cold and then fill it up again."

"Really?"

"Yes. Go."

"You're the best," she said with a smile as she hugged him. "Really. You have no idea."

"You just come to bed relaxed and smelling sweet. You've earned it."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Get scootin'."

She smiled and disappeared into the bathroom while he took Avery downstairs and sat on the couch with her.

"What do you think baby doll, should we watch the news for a bit?"

She gurgled and he ran his hand over her back, kissing the top of her head.

"What did you think about your first Christmas honey? Was it all you dreamed of? I hope it always will be. I hope I can give you everything in the world baby. You are so special to me. You're my only little girl and I can't even tell you how much I love you. I hope you always know that. I am so scared honey. I don't know if I will ever admit this to your mama or anyone else, but I am terrified of you getting older. I don't want us to fight. I don't want to make the wrong decisions for you. I don't want to ever hear you say you hate me and I don't want any doors to slam between us. I know it might happen, but I want you to know that I will always love you. No matter what. Nothing you can do and nothing I can do will ever, ever change that Averylin. I love you more than life baby doll. I will always be here for you, even when you don't think I am and even when you don't want me to be. You and your brothers and your mama are my number one priority. That will never change. You will always be safe that way. Always, always."

She tried to lift her head up to look at him and she grunted with the effort, then dropped back down to his chest. He smiled and stroked her hair, running his finger over her ear. She made a happy grunting noise and he chuckled.

"You like that just like your mama does. Sometimes I think you'll be just like her and then other times… I don't know if I want you to be. I don't know if I could deal with two of you. Just the puppy dog faces alone."

They laid on the couch for a while, watching the news while Adam commented on things and told her stories. She started fussing after a while, so he went into the kitchen and found a bottle in the fridge, then set a pot of water to boil so he could heat it up. He walked around the house, picking up little bits of wrapping paper and trying to shush her while he waited for the bottle to warm. Her face was beet red by the time they headed upstairs and he offered her the bottle at the top of the stairs.

"Is she okay?" Lindsay asked from the other side of the bathroom door.

"She's fine. Fill that tub up again."

"No, I'm done."

"Linds."

"I'm done," she repeated, pulling the plug and letting the water drain. He chuckled and took Avery up to their bedroom, sitting down in the rocking chair while she finished the bottle. He could tell she wasn't happy with it, but she took it anyway.

"She fussy?" Lindsay asked, coming into the room.

"She's fine. You want to take her while I go get ready for bed?"

"Yeah. Hey little chickabiddy. Are you going to sleep good for us tonight?"

Avery hiccupped and stretched and Lindsay smiled, snuggling her close and breathing her in.

"I love you little girl."

They locked eyes for several moments and Avery finally yawned and let herself fall asleep. Lindsay cuddled her for a while, then stood up and put her in the cradle as Adam came back and slid into bed.

"C'mere hon," he said, his voice low. She smiled and snuggled up next to him, smiling as he kissed her. His hands tangled in her hair and she let out a long contented sigh.

"You smell good. Like really, really good. Even better than normal which I didn't think was possible."

She giggled as he nuzzled her neck and grazed his lips over her ear.

"Did you put cologne on, honey?"

"No, I just naturally smell that way."

"You normally smell like Old Spice?"

"It's not Old Spice, it's Beckham!"

She just stared at him for a second and he sighed.

"That was a trap."

"And suddenly that fish guy from Star Wars pops up-"

"Admiral Ackbar! Get your facts straight. Where's the woman I married?"

"Choking under a cloud of cologne."

"I'll go wash it off."

"Don't you dare leave this bed."

He looked back at her, seeing the twinkle in her eye and he sighed, taking her in his arms again.

"You'd better know how much I love you, woman."

"I love you more."

"Not this fight again," he chuckled.

"Merry Christmas honey."

"Merry Christmas."


	165. Chapter 165

A/N: Everything by Michael Buble. Yes, it is on my Adam and Lindsay playlist. Yes, I do have one of those. No I don't have a life or very many friends. How did you guess?

* * *

"Alright, you've got to tell me what's bugging you," Lindsay sighed as the boys stomped out of the room, upset that Adam didn't want to play with them.

"Nothing's bugging me," he sighed, continuing his work on the computer. "I just think they can play by themselves sometimes. I don't have to entertain them all the time."

She dried her hands on a dishtowel and gave him a surprised look.

"What?"

"I'm just a little shocked. You aren't usually like that. Usually you'll… never mind you're not paying attention anyway."

"No, what do you want to say?" he asked closing the laptop and looking at her, his eyes narrowed slightly.

"I'm not going to talk to you when you're like this," she sighed, grabbing the baby monitor off the counter and leaving the kitchen. She went into the utility room and pulled the clothes out of the dryer, throwing them into a basket.

"Hey, you don't just leave it hanging like that," Adam said, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorjamb.

"You know what Adam? Figure it out."

"You're mad that I needed to pay the bills before I played with the boys?"

"No. I'm mad that you've been grumping around here for an entire week. You're constantly snapping at the boys and they didn't do anything wrong, you go hours without saying a word to me and the other times I've brought it up you change the subject. You don't want to talk about it Adam? Fine, then I don't either."

They stared at each other for a while and she was about to lay into him again when he sighed and dropped his head.

"My father's been calling."

"That's what this is about?" she exploded, slamming the dryer door. "Seriously? That douchenozzle calls you and you think that gives you license to act like a jerk?"

"You know how it bugs me, Lindsay!"

"Yeah I know it bugs you but you're not nine years old anymore. Don't let him dictate how you treat your family."

"I know that! Don't you think it bugs me too? Don't you think I hate being like this?"

"No, I don't think you hate it, I think you don't care because you haven't stopped! I don't want to talk about this anymore. Just get your act together."

She shoved past him and grabbed the laundry, taking it over to the couch to sort it.

"Hey!"

"What?"

"Now I admit I've been a complete-"

"Crapstain?"

"Okay, fine. But that doesn't give you the right to walk out on me."

"Maybe it doesn't but I don't really care at this point."

"Lindsay," he started, grabbing her shoulders. "I'm sorry. I really am. I know how I get but it's like my nerves are frayed and I just can't stop myself from being angry."

"I get that. I really do. But that isn't my fault and it's not the kids fault either."

He sighed and bowed his head in shame. She wanted to lift his gaze up again, but she needed him to feel the impact of his foul mood.

"Are you going to tell me about it? What does he want this time?"

"To see me. Meet you and the kids."

"How many times did he call?"

"Every day for the last week."

"And you didn't tell me because?"

"Because I didn't want you to worry. With him calling that much…"

"Okay, that's fair but if you're worried that we're not safe, don't you think you need to tell me that so I can be aware of it?"

"Yeah."

"You're going to have to do something about this."

"What can I do?"

"I don't know. You don't have anything to go on for a restraining order. Is he still calling from a blocked number?"

"Yeah."

"Then we'll change ours and hope he doesn't find out where we live."

"Okay."

"Beyond that… have you thought about giving him what he wants?"

"You had better not be talking about what I think you're talking about," he said in the angriest, most stern voice he had ever used with her.

"Look, I know what happened back then. I understand that you don't want to have anything to do with him. But he can't hurt you now. He has no power over you-"

"No!"

"Adam!"

"I am not seeing him, I am not letting him around you or the boys."

"Maybe it will make him go away!"

"Are you serious? That's just going to give him more power. Giving him what he wanted is what my mom did for years. That's why he managed to hurt me so bad, Lindsay. I am not giving him what he wants. I'm not."

"Adam, maybe he really has changed! He didn't hit Tim, maybe he changed after-"

"Stop it! He didn't change Lindsay. He didn't stop hating me, he just went away. He's a manipulator and he only wants to hurt me again."

"Adam-"

"I'm going for a walk."

He stomped out the front door and she slumped to the couch, holding her head in her hands and ignoring Avery's crying for just a minute. She needed to breathe. That was the worst fight they'd ever had, as far as volume and the anger in his voice. She couldn't believe it had actually happened.

"Mama! Sissy cryin'!"

She stood from the couch and went upstairs, scooping Avery out of her crib and shushing her.

"It's okay baby. Sorry we woke you up. Shh, it's alright. Go back to sleep. It's not time for you to be awake yet."

She sat down in the rocking chair and continued talking in a soft voice, holding her close until she calmed down.

"There, that's better. Have your plug and go back to sleep sweetness."

Colton peeked into the room, his face drawn with worry and his finger in his mouth.

"Mama?"

"What's the matter baby?"

"Um…" he started, walking over and climbing into what was left of her lap. "Did daddy leave?"

"He just went for a walk honey."

He sighed and rested his head on her shoulder.

"Are you and daddy gettin' badorced?"

"Getting what?"

"Badorced, mama," he said again, lifting his head up and looking her in the eye. "Badorced."

"You mean divorced? No, Colton, of course not."

"But my friend Oliver at school, his mama and daddy was fightin' all the time and they got… that word you said. And now he lives with his mama or his daddy but they are not a family together anymore. I don't want us to stop bein' a family! So you and daddy can't fight anymore. Please mama, please don't fight with daddy anymore!"

The tears that ran down her face matched his and she wrapped her free arm around him as her stomach churned.

"Colton, daddy and I are never going to split up. Never, ever, ever."

"But you was fightin'!"

"That wasn't a fight honey. Sometimes grown ups just have to yell and get all the frustrations out."

"But why did daddy leave?"

"Daddy and I both feel better after we get some fresh air. That's all he's doing."

"It was really loud angry yelling, mama."

"I know it was. You know how Ben gets upset when you tell him he has a big head? Because that's his sore spot and it really bothers him? Daddy has a sore spot too and I picked at it today. Neither one of us was wrong and neither one of us was right, but I should have been gentler with his sore spot."

"What's daddy's sore spot?"

She sighed and continued to rock the chair, not wanting to lie and not wanting to tell him the truth either.

"It's just grown up stuff, baby. Someday daddy and I will tell you about it together. It's not something you need to worry about though, alright?"

He wiped his tears away and sat up.

"How long will daddy be gone?"

"Not very long."

"He's been very unhappy with us, mama. Did we do something wrong?"

"No. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes it's hard for adults to compartmentalize. I mean, it's hard for us to stay angry at the bad thing and sometimes it spills over into things that we don't need to be angry with."

"Bein' a grown up is complicated, mama."

"Yes it is. It really, really is."

"Are you sure that you and daddy aren't gettin' divorced? Are you really, really, really sure?"

"I am sure, Colton. Me and daddy, we have a kind of marriage where we can't get divorced, no matter what. We are always going to be a family. Daddy and I will never leave each other and we will never give up on each other."

"How do you know? How do you know that you love daddy and that daddy loves you that much?"

"Because I just know. Because we've got three babies to prove it. "

"How much do you love daddy?"

"I love daddy more than any woman in the history of the whole entire world has ever loved any man in the history of the whole entire world."

"Wow. That is a lot. Will it go on forever and ever?"

"Yes, it will. I will never ever stop loving your daddy."

"Okay."

She raked her hand through his curls and rubbed his back, sighing and still feeling sick about the whole thing. She knew Adam would be back and she knew they would be fine, but she was also increasingly more aware of what she had said to him and how he had taken it and what she had really asked him to do. It hadn't been fair and even though she'd often wondered why he just didn't get it over with, she knew that she didn't completely understand where he was coming from. She tried, but never having been in the situation herself, she didn't know where his mind was, at least not completely. She knew that if he could do it, he would do it, but if he wasn't going to do it then it was something that he couldn't do.

"Mama, could we go read a book together in the big bed?"

"Yeah, sure. Why don't you and Ben pick out a few and meet me and sister up there?"

"Okay."

He scampered off into the other room and she went upstairs, settling onto the bed and grabbing her cell phone, knowing the boys would be several minutes picking books.

"Hey Lindsay –Loo."

"Um, this can't be Austin, she would never say something like that."

"I had coffee. A lot of it. Too much of it."

"Should I call you back once you've returned to a normal state of being?"

"No, I actually have time to talk right now, we can't waste it. What's up?"

"I'm a really bad wife today."

"You're never a bad wife, Linds."

"You're going to retract that statement in a minute."

"What did you do?"

"His dad's been calling again."

"I figured. He's been cranky."

"Yeah. I may have suggested that he might want to maybe… I can't even tell you, it's so stupid."

"Lin."

"I said that maybe he should meet with his father."

There was a silence from the other end of the line and Lindsay closed her eyes preparing for the words she was about to hear.

"You're not wrong."

"What?"

"You're not wrong, Lin."

"I'm not?"

"No. I'm not Adam, so I don't know exactly how he feels, but I can say that confronting his father might not be a totally bad thing. And I know you're thinking what do I know, I run away from that kind of confrontation any chance I get, but I know that they can change and if that's what's happened, he's going to be sad that he missed it."

"Austin?"

"Yeah?"

"What was in that coffee?"

Austin chuckled.

"He went for a walk right?"

"Yeah."

"Give him that time to cool off and figure out what he wants to do, and then support him in it. Even if you don't agree, you have to trust that he knows the situation better than you do, and he will make the right decision."

"I know. I do trust him. It's just so hard to communicate with him when he's like this. He just gets so mad and hurt and I don't know how to make it better for him."

"Let him be mad and hurt. He wants to take care of you and protect you and provide for you and all that other "I am man, I bring food" stuff, and he knows that in order to do that he has to take care of himself too. Let him lick his wounds and figure things out. If I know one thing about that man it's that he is never going to let anything come between the two of you. Ever. He'll be home and he might want your input, so just be open to what he's saying, okay?"

"I will. Thanks."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Call me back if you need me."

"I'll always need you."

"Right back at you. Bye Lin."

"Bye."

They both stayed on the line for a few extra seconds, their unconscious way of reassuring the other that they hadn't really left for good. Neither one of them knew when it had started but it always felt strange when they had to say a rushed goodbye and hang up immediately. A few more seconds passed and they disconnected the call.

Avery was looking up at Lindsay intently, blowing bubbles without realizing it, and waving her hand happily. Her crying jags had been few and far between and they were so close to getting a smile out of her it was almost exhilarating.

"Should we turn on some music, lovey? Wanna shake your groove thing?"

She found the remote for the stereo and turned it on, taking Avery's hands and gently making her dance to the music. She cooed happily at the soft music and Lindsay leaned down to kiss her.

"Are you a happy girl today smoochy? You look happy. When are you going to grow more hair so I can put pretties in it?"

"Yeah Avery," Colton agreed, coming into the room laden down with books. "Girls s'pposed to have longish hair. You have boy hair baby."

Lindsay chuckled and sat Avery up in her lap while the boys settled in on either side of her.

"Sissy share blankie with Ben," he said, draping the blanket over his sister.

"You're a good big brother, Ben."

"Hey, hey, I am too!"

"Yes, you are too Colton. Avery is the luckiest little sister in the world."

* * *

Adam walked for a long time, weaving through the neighborhood, not sure where he was going, but knowing that he had to move. He didn't want to fight and he didn't want to be angry, but Lindsay just didn't understand how hard this was for him. His father's voice, even when it was just saying normal things still struck him and all he could hear was the hate. How in the world could he meet the man, face to face? How could he look at the person who had hurt him so badly and scarred him so deeply? Where in the world would he find the strength for that?

He briefly considered going to talk to Austin about it, knowing she understood it better than Lindsay did, but would never take sides on the matter either. In the end though, he knew what she would tell him, and he also knew that he needed to talk to Lindsay again first. Austin would be there to understand, but the longer he stayed out, the bigger the wedge would be driven between him and Lindsay on the matter and he needed her as close as he could get her right now.

He trudged back home and through the back door, lining his boots up where they went instead of just leaving them in a pile on the floor. He hung up his coat and sighed, finding the house pretty quiet. It was getting close to naptime, and maybe Lindsay had climbed into bed for a few winks herself. He didn't want to disturb her but he did need to make things better, so he went upstairs. The boys weren't in their room and Avery wasn't in her crib, so they must have all crashed out together. About halfway up the stairs he heard music and by the time he reached their door, he could tell what it was.

_You're a falling star, You're the get away car.__  
__You're the line in the sand when I go too far.__  
__You're the swimming pool, on an August day.__  
__And you're the perfect thing to say._

_And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.__  
__Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.__  
__Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.__  
__Cause you can see it when I look at you.__  
_  
Lindsay and the kids were sitting on the bed with books spread all around them. Avery was half asleep, Ben had his thumb in his mouth and Colton was running his finger along the page as Lindsay read. Her voice was soft and he could hear it over the music and for a moment he just watched her, the way her mouth moved, how she managed to sneak kisses to all the kids between pages, how the boys looked at her as if she was the most wonderful person in the world.

_And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times__  
__It's you, it's you, You make me sing.__  
__You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.  
__You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,_

_And you light me up, when you ring my bell.__  
__You're a mystery, you're from outer space,__  
__You're every minute of my everyday.__  
__  
__And I can't believe, that I'm your man,__  
__And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.__  
__Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,__  
__And you know that's what our love can do.__  
_

He leaned against the doorjamb, hoping they wouldn't notice them for a bit so he could just watch them. The four most precious people in the world and they were his. Even when he was upset, even when he made mistakes, even when he didn't deserve them at all, they were his. And right now, he was feeling very, very undeserving.

_And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times__  
__It's you, it's you, You make me sing.__  
__You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.__  
__You're every song, and I sing along.__  
__'Cause you're my everything._

They'd been through too much together for this argument and this situation to bring them down. Issues with his father, battles with her depression and everything else that they'd had to work through together, and they'd done it. Nothing had pulled them apart permanently, it had actually brought them closer. Of course he didn't wish for more trials, he prayed for at least a season of steady calm, but he was grateful for the ones they'd had.

She looked up and met his eyes, giving him a half smile and a wink before finishing the book. He crossed the room and knelt down by the bed, taking a deep breath and knowing he needed to talk to the boys, because Lindsay wasn't the only one he'd hurt with his anger lately.

"Hi daddy. Did you get some fresh air?"

"Yeah, I did."

Ben crawled over and hugged his neck, holding on tightly, as if he knew that's what Adam needed right now.

"I need to apologize to you guys," he started, his voice serious. "I've been a real grouch lately and I'm very sorry for that. You didn't do anything wrong and I shouldn't be snapping at you because I'm in a bad mood."

Ben just hugged him tighter and Colton patted his hand.

"That's okay daddy. We still love you. Mama 'splained it to me real good."

"Oh she did?"

"Yup. She said it was just another of them grown up things."

"Yeah, it is. I just want you to know that no matter how many grown up things there are and how many times I mess up, I still love you. I hope you can forgive me."

"We forgive you, right Ben? We still love daddy lots and lots."

"Yep, lots," Ben confirmed with a solemn nod.

"Will you play with us now, daddy? For a little while?"

"I'll come play with you for a long while if you give me a few minutes to talk to mama."

"Deal! Let's go Ben!"

They scrambled out of the room and Adam turned to look at Lindsay. She held his gaze for a second, then looked away, knowing that they both had fires of anger burning still. He had a choice to make here, he could either wait for her to apologize for the fact that she didn't understand, or he could apologize for the week of bad attitude and very little love he'd put her through. The clock ticked twice before he reached over and touched her hand.

"Babe."

"I'm sorry, Adam."

"No, no I'm sorry. You're just trying to help me the best you know how and I… I just… I acted like a moron. I am really sorry honey. I just don't know what to do here."

"That's okay. You don't have to know what to do. You don't. It will get figured out. Either you'll figure it out or we will together, but either way, it's going to be fine. Just let me in, okay?"

"I will. I promise I will."

"Okay."

They looked at each other, knowing they both had so much more to say, but that they both needed some more time with their thoughts before they could say them. They needed to talk about the words they'd said, they needed to talk about how to fight fair, and she was certain they needed to better address Colton's fears about them splitting up. But it was on its way to resolution, so they could count one battle won.

He smiled and moved to sit down next to her, hugging her tightly and kissing the top of her head.

"I love you, Lindsay. More than anything."

"I love you too."

* * *

A/N: And with that… OFFICIALLY one year since I started this. Look how far they've come. So proud.


	166. Chapter 166

"The kids all asleep?" Adam asked, setting his book down on the coffee table.

"Yep, all three of them, snoring like their daddy."

He ignored the comment and grabbed her wrist, pulling her down into his lap.

"Is Avery in our room or hers?"

"I just put her in ours. I don't want to have to move her later."

She yawned and rested her head on his shoulder, her eyelashes fluttering against his neck. Her fingers traced over the tattoo on his shoulder and she closed her eyes for a moment, very aware of how safe and secure she was feeling.

"I've been thinking," he started, running his hand over her knee.

"About what?"

"What you said. About my father."

She sat up a little, not sure if she was preparing for an argument or not.

"What have you been thinking?"

"I was thinking that you might be right," he sighed, leaning back against the couch and keeping her tightly wrapped in his arms. "Maybe I should just get it over with. And maybe he has changed."

"But?"

"But I don't know if I'm ready to find out just yet."

"Okay," she said, closing her eyes and wrapping her arms around him.

"Are you okay with that?"

"If you're okay with it, I'm okay."

He tucked her hair behind her ear and kissed her forehead while she breathed him in deeply.

"Can you tell me something?" she asked, running her fingers up and down his arm.

"What?"

"When he calls you… what does he say?"

Adam sighed and shook his head.

"Linds, I don't really want to talk about it."

"Not talking about it is what gets us into this mess, isn't it?"

He was quiet for a while and she scooted out of his lap to give him some space.

"He says he wants to see me. He says he misses me. He always asks how the kids are. Asks about you. If I didn't know better, I would say he's just trying to connect, but that's not who he is."

He stood up from the couch and began to pace slowly, his hands on his hips as if he was trying to work through a problem rather than let loose a little more of what happened in his head.

"I hate hearing his voice. I hate it. Sometimes I just hang up on him, sometimes I can't do anything at all. And then I feel like a wimp, like a loser, just like he said I was."

It was her normal inclination to rebut him then and there, not let him get any further, but for some reason she just sat silently, giving him space to speak.

"The way he says my name and how he calls me son, it brings it all back. Even when he's speaking normally, his voice still has that little slur, like he's just taken a shot of whiskey. You know sometimes he would hit me first. That wasn't so bad. If he hit me before he yelled I knew it wasn't going to be much. But if he was yelling first, I knew it was going to be a bad one."

She wanted to leap off the couch and wrap him in a hug and make it all go away. He'd told her things before, told her about the very last beating, but he never really told her how it made him feel in the moment or how he survived day to day. She wanted to hear it, wanted him to pour it all out for her, but at the same time she didn't want him to have to feel all that again.

"I used to go inside my head," he continued valiantly, not shedding a tear or letting his voice betray him. "I called it the control booth. I would move away from it and watch it from another place. Somewhere that I could control it. I could move a lever here, push a button there and he would stop or I wouldn't feel it, couldn't hear it."

He kept pacing, his speech becoming faster and she knew he wasn't nearly done.

"The first time I remember it really well, I must have been about Ben's age. I was playing with some toys on the floor when he came home. I don't know what he was mad about, but I remember scrambling to pick things up and get out of his way. I knew what was coming. He cuffed me on the back of the head and I fell onto the floor. I bit my tongue and there was blood everywhere. I remember looking down at it and knowing that is was going to make it worse. I knew he was going to get angrier. I couldn't help screaming at the blood and I tried to cover it up, but he grabbed me off the floor and he started yelling at me to look at what I'd done. Like it was my fault. And I wanted to yell back but every time I got in a deep enough breath he'd shake me or hit me again. I know my mom was there, she was begging him to stop. And then he finally did. He finally dropped me onto the floor and walked away. I don't remember being scared, I remember knowing that was what was going to happen. At three years old. I was already used to it."

Her stomach was in knots as she sat there, hardly able to breathe as the tears poured down her cheeks. She couldn't help but think of Adam as small as Ben was receiving a beating that some grown men couldn't withstand.

"I fought back once. I'm still proud of myself for that. I was six or seven I think. He was yelling at my mom, calling her all sorts of names. And I was sitting there listening to him and I couldn't take it anymore. I just started hitting him and screaming. I was so mad I couldn't stop. He threw me on the ground and hit me back, over and over until I couldn't move. I curled into a ball and kept my hands over my head and I told myself a story until he was done. I knew then that I couldn't ever fight back. Next time he would kill me."

He fell quiet then suddenly turned to look at her, their eyes meeting hesitantly. She didn't know what he wanted or what he needed, but she jumped off the couch anyway, crashing her body into his, holding him as tightly as she could.

"I love you. I love you. I love you."

She felt as if she couldn't say the words enough and they tumbled out several more times as they held each other.

"I love you, Adam. You are so much stronger than he is. So much stronger. He is nothing, Adam. Nothing."

No tears broke from his eyes, at least not as many as the ones that broke from hers. She tried not to cry, she needed to be strong for him, but at the same time he needed to see his own value in her sadness, for someone not worthy would surely not cause so many tears.

Slowly they made their way back to the couch where they sunk into the cushions and held each other for several minutes. Neither of them knew what to do or where to go from here.

Carefully, she sat up and framed his face with her hands, staring deep into his eyes for a moment before she leaned up and pressed a kiss to the scar on his scalp.

"You are the most wonderful man in the world," she whispered, making sure her lips were right near his ear. She ran her hands gently over his shoulders and arms, over the skin that had been grabbed and bruised so many times. Her hands met his and held on, her thumbs gliding over the knuckles that had been battered and bloodied. She continued her soft ministrations, making sure to touch everywhere that had been harmed, pull the lingering pains away with just her hands. Her words were gentle as she counteracted the ones his father had made him believe, whispering them with more conviction than he had ever heard. They'd done this before of course, but tonight he needed it more than he ever had.

It was several minutes before she returned her attention to his head, kissing it and pulling all the memories of the words out. She stopped for a moment to look him in the eye again, then stooped down to kiss his chest, right over his heart.

"You're mine," she said finally, cuddling into him. "I love you more than he hurt you. I'm never letting you go, Adam. I will always want you. Always. Forever."

He held her tight and kissed her forehead, grateful that she let him speak and that she had listened so intently. He hadn't planned on telling her all that, but now that it was out he couldn't believe he'd waited so long.

He could feel a smile spreading across her lips and he tucked his finger under her chin and guided her eyes to his.

"What are you smilin' about?"

"Nothin'. Just that I get you and no one else does. I'm pretty happy about that."

He smiled back and they stretched out along the couch, listening to the last of the fire crackling in the fireplace and the soft creaks of their home.

"We need to make some new rules," she said finally with a heavy sigh.

"What kind of rules?"

"Colton heard us fighting the other day. You left to get some air and he thought we were getting a divorce and that you were never coming back."

"He said that?"

"Yeah. He's six, he has friends at school who have divorced parents. It made sense to him. I just hate that he thought that, for even a second."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him it would never happen. I don't think he really understands it. You know, he and Ben fight and they have to apologize right away. With us he didn't see that. He knows we love each other but he didn't see us apologize or anything."

"Walking away worked before they could see it."

"It still works for us, but I think we need to figure something else out. I don't want to hide disagreements from them, I think they need to learn that it's okay to argue about things, but we need to show them how to deal with it too. We need to be more complete with that."

"You're probably right. Any suggestions?"

"Maybe we can walk away but we can't leave the house. Maybe we need to tell the boys when we've apologized instead of just assuming they know."

He nodded and brushed her hair back behind her ear.

"It's a good thing we only fight every few years."

"Not to jinx us, but we are pretty good at this marriage thing."

"I'm enjoying it," he agreed with a chuckle.

"You're the only person in the world that has the patience to be married to me."

"It's not patience babe. You're just really hot."

She snorted a laugh and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thank you for being you, Adam. You're the best."

"So are you."

* * *

"And me and Isa are boy and girl of the week!" Colton said happily, showing Lindsay the badge he got to wear.

"Yep, that means we get to be the line leaders and the paper passer-outers and we get to take 'tendence in the mornin' and so many other things!" Isa added happily, spinning around the kitchen.

Lindsay and Austin looked at each other and snickered, amused at how the kids were so excited about something seemingly so small.

"We get lots of 'sponsibilities," Colton said seriously, climbing up on a stool to look in his backpack. "We got extra homework and you have to help us. We have to write about what we want to be when we grow up. I already know what I am going to be. I've knowed that since I was born I think. Isa, what are you gonna be when you grow up?"

"A grown up. Duh Colt."

"No, I mean what is your job going to be?"

"No job. I will just be rich."

"How will you get money, Isa?"

"I will marry you and take yours."

Austin busted into laughter.

"You think Colton's going to just let you take his money like that Isabeth?"

"Yep. He lets me do whatever I want."

"It's true," Colton sighed. "If everything was mine I would give it to her."

"You be careful about makin' promises like that son," Lindsay chuckled. "Girls will take you for all you've got."

"Yeah, but then she would have to be my friend forever. She would owe me."

"Yeah, that would be the deal," Isa explained.

"You guys have talked about this?"

"We talk about everything."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"Well baby girl, if Colton gives you all his money, don't forget about your dear old mom, okay?"

"Okay. Can we go play now?"

"Yes, go play. We'll call you when it's time for dinner."

They sped happily out of the kitchen and Lindsay shook her head in amusement.

"I kind of hope they never mature in their thinking."

"They keep thinking love is perfect?"

"Yes."

Austin nodded and pulled the salad bowl out of the cupboard.

"How's Adam doing?"

"Better. We've been talking about it a lot."

"Has his father still been calling?"

"Yeah. I answered once."

"How was that?"

"I wanted to jump through the phone and kill him."

"Sounds right. What did you say?"

"I used a few choice words when I told him to never call back again."

"Good girl."

"It's just bad and I wish Adam didn't have to deal with it."

"He has you though. You support him and love him and that's really all he needs."

"Thanks for being there for both of us. I don't know what we would do without you."

"Aww."

Lindsay chuckled and pulled the roast out of the oven while Adam came into the kitchen with Avery.

"Someone wants her mama."

"Sweetie are you givin' your daddy a hard time? I thought we had a talk about this."

Avery calmed down in Lindsay's arms, blinking hard as she looked around.

"Hey bug-a-boo," Austin said, leaning over to kiss the tear tracked cheeks. "Usin' those lungs mama gave you. I love that you have her in a headband by the way Linds. I thought you swore you wouldn't be a headband mom."

"I said that and then I had a girl and I've been looking online for petticoats because how cute would that be?"

Avery grunted and waved her hand in Austin's face.

"Can I hold you so mama can finish dinner because if I try to do it I'll ruin it and she'll be mad?"

Lindsay chuckled and handed her daughter over.

"So do you have the child that just refuses to gain weight or what?"

"She's dainty. She did fine at her appointment yesterday, she's healthy and gaining weight, but she's just delicate or something."

"She loves to be held doesn't she?"

"Yes she does. And we all love to hold her so it works out pretty well."

"Are you going to be spoiled rotten? Are we all just going to hold and cuddle you your whole life? Will you do us a solid and stay a baby forever? Are you going to smile for me? Because you look like you're going to smile."

"If she does it would be the first," Lindsay said, leaning over to look.

"You're so close, kiddo."

Avery stared at her for another second, then let a huge smile crack across her face.

"She looks just like you when she does that. I mean, she looks just like you all the time, but especially with that smile on her face."

"You think so?"

"Look at her, she's a clone!"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head, watching as Avery kept smiling at the faces Austin was making at her. She'd been getting much more interactive lately and besides being held, her other favorite thing to do was lay on the floor and watch her brothers play. It didn't always last very long and she would scream at the top of her lungs until someone picked her up. She was very definite about what she wanted, but once she had it, she was content. She was the perfect addition to their family and Lindsay and Adam couldn't help but feel that she was the last one.

"She's getting that look on her face," Austin said after a while. "Do you have a binkie in here?"

Lindsay produced one out of the drawer and Avery sighed deeply once she had it, now completely relaxed and happy.

"There, much better. Are you going to take a snooze?"

"She probably will, it's about that time."

Austin leaned against the counter and held the baby close, stooping down to kiss her cheeks. It had been a long time since she'd held a baby uninterrupted. She remembered those days with Isa, but she'd forgotten them with Sarah and Junior as she had other kids to tend to at the time. She would never admit it, but she always felt a little gypped by that, like she didn't get to revel in time with her younger children. Not that she hadn't spent time with them, she just hadn't been able to spend hours staring into their eyes or watching them sleep.

She reached up with her free hand and stroked Avery's hair back, then kissed her forehead softly, amazed at how quickly she'd fallen asleep.

"You're magic," Lindsay commented. "Normally she needs to be walked all over the place."

"I've got the touch," Austin grinned. "Don't you just want to hold her all the time?"

"She's pretty irresistible isn't she?"

"It always kind of amazes me how we can love each other's kids so much."

"Me too. Wouldn't trade it."

"Not for the world. By the way, what is that noise upstairs?"

"Blanket sleds."

"One more time."

"Blanket sleds," she repeated. "The ultimate in "mama doesn't want to take us outside to play in the real snow" winter time activity."

"Or the ultimate in "leave mama alone because you're too loud right now" game you made up in a desperate moment?"

"Maybe a little of both. The only time they fight is when Colton realizes he's tired of pulling the blanket so he sits on it and makes Ben pull and Ben can't pull him and then they're both upset."

"You have eventful days."

"Something like that."

Another round of squeals sounded above them and they chuckled.

"Nothing better is there?"

* * *

It was late and what was most likely the last real snowfall of the year was lazily falling outside. The boys had been completely wound up from having the other kids over so late and it had taken almost an hour to get them calm enough to even consider putting them to bed. Even after that it had been three whole chapters of _The Indian in the Cupboard_ before they finally started to drift off.

Exhausted but nearing the point of "I could make it another two hours" she went upstairs slowly, stopping to yawn twice before she made it into the bedroom. Adam was laying on the bed half asleep with Avery cuddled up on his chest and even though it was an almost nightly occurrence, it still made her stop and stare. After a moment she joined them, rolling onto her side and yawning again. Avery smiled and kicked her legs in happiness when she recognized her mama and Lindsay reached over to rub her back.

"You like layin' on daddy like that, huh? Yeah, it's my favorite place too."

Adam gave her a smirk and she leaned over to kiss him, running her fingers through his hair.

"You know what I think?"

"Usually I do, but specifically at this moment… what do you think?"

She smiled and grabbed his hand, sliding their fingers together.

"I think that we have the luckiest kids in the world because they have you, and you love them more than they'll ever know."

He smiled and she moved so she could look down at him.

"You know what else?"

"What?"

"I have never been more proud of a person in my life than I am of you every single day."

He finally opened his eyes and looked at her, reaching up to stroke his fingers down her cheek.

"Thank you babe. I love you."

"I love you too."


	167. Chapter 167

Colton sighed and tipped his head back, blinking several times and trying to work up the best whiny voice he could.

"Mama," he started with a frown. "Are we almost done?"

"I just have a few more things to get. We haven't been here that long."

He crossed his arms and looked into the shopping cart.

"But it's full, mama! We can't fit nothing else in there. Let's go home."

"Colton I need you to be patient for ten more minutes and then we'll go home."

He let out a pathetic fake sob and rested his head against the cart.

"I have to get up early every day to go to school," he started with a sigh. "And on Saturday you make me get up early and go grocery shopping. I am old enough to stay home by my ownself."

"Well I have to get up early every single day to get you ready for school and make your breakfast and take care of your brother and sister and then on Sunday you always come in our room before the sun is even up and wake us up and ask to go to the park."

She didn't normally talk back to the whines but she didn't enjoy grocery shopping any more than the kids did and she was feeling just as irritated as he was.

"Well I am a kid so I shouldn't have to go grocery shopping. I don't even like groceries."

"I don't like your attitude and I have to put up with that, don't I?"

"But you choosed to have kids, mama. We didn't choosed to be born."

She sucked in a beep breath and closed her eyes for five seconds.

"Colton please hold onto the cart and keep your mouth closed until we're done."

He growled low in his throat but did as she asked, glaring at her as they moved through the store.

"Mama, I be good," Ben said softly. "Have this please?"

"No, you know we don't eat that kind of stuff," she said, not giving more than a glance to the bag of salty, oily chips.

"Daddy eat it."

"I know daddy eats it but he's trying to be healthier so we don't need to bring them into the house."

"But I be good!"

"Ben I know you're being good, but I said no. Put it back on the shelf."

He nodded and waited until her back was turned, then shoved the bag of chips into the cart, underneath some bread. Colton saw him do it and his jaw dropped, but he knew he couldn't say a word so he just stood there while Ben grinned and pressed one finger to his lips.

Lindsay found what she was looking for and put it in the cart and Colton hoped that Ben would get caught in his deception, but now she was trying to hurry and didn't pay attention.

As promised, ten minutes later they were going through the checkout line. Ben had offered to help put the groceries on the belt and had managed to keep the chips pretty well hidden while Lindsay tended to a crying Avery. Colton remained silent, wanting to tattle, but also wanting to see how it all played out, and what kind of trouble his brother would get into. Everything was bagged and they loaded up the cart, managing to get all of it and themselves into the car.

"Alright Colton you can talk now."

He was almost bursting with news to tell her, but he was also very patient and knew that her finding out on her own would result in something much more exciting.

"That's okay," he said finally. "I think I like being quiet."

She shrugged and they drove home silently, except for the radio and Avery's fussing. Ben kept a mischievous grin on his face the entire time, looking out the window and kicking his feet gently against the seat. He'd never done something so obviously disobedient before, and he couldn't help but feel a little thrilled. He knew it wasn't going to go over well, but that was okay. For a little while, his mama would have to pay attention to him. Just him. Not Colton, not Avery, just Benjamin. She might yell and he might get sent to his room, but there would be hugs and cuddles after that.

That would be worth it.

* * *

"Is it time for lunch now? How about now? Right now mama? How about-"

"Colton. Enough."

"Now?"

She wanted to raise her voice, but not at him, so she turned away and ignored the question. He sighed and leaned against the fridge, watching as she put the groceries away, rubbing his stomach because he was most certainly about to die from hunger, and the groceries were not getting put away very fast.

"Benjamin Ryan Ross!"

"Yes mama?" he asked innocently, looking up from the toy he was playing with at the counter. She held the bag of chips up and cleared her throat.

"What?"

"Did you put these chips in the cart?"

"No," he answered in such a tone that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he had just lied to her.

"Ben, I asked you a question and you need to tell me the truth. Did you put these in the cart?"

"No mama. Them snacks falled in."

"No they didn't!" Colton shouted, unable to contain himself. "I seen him put them in there, mama. And he made the _shh_ sign to me and I couldn't say nothing because you telled me not to talk but he is lying mama, right to your face like Larry Boy and the time there was the fib from space! It's Benjamin's fault, he took the chips, he's very naughty!"

Lindsay didn't acknowledge the outburst, as surprised as she was about Ben telling a lie. He'd never done such a thing before and it was completely unexpected.

"Benjamin, you need to go up to your bedroom now."

"Why? I done nothing wrong."

"You lied to me twice and you disobeyed me in the store. Go to your room."

"But mama-"

"Now, Benjamin."

Sighing as if he had been seriously slighted, he went upstairs and closed the bedroom door behind him.

"Mama?" Colton asked softly, sensing that she was more upset than he had anticipated.

"What Colton?"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you first."

"That's okay. I understand."

"Are you real mad at Ben, mama?"

"I'm very mad that he lied. I don't know where he learned it."

"I mighta teached him, even though I try not to lie."

She crouched down and took his face in her hands, kissing his forehead.

"He didn't learn it from you, honey. You do a very good job of always trying to tell the truth."

"Could I go tell Ben how it makes you sad when we lie and how he should not do it because then you can't ever believe what he says?"

"No, I'll tell him. Thank you for offering though."

He nodded and started to help her with the groceries, managing to get all the vegetables put away before Avery started crying.

"Where is she, mama? I will go make her feel better."

"She's still in her carseat in the other room. Can you go give her a binkie and I'll be there in a minute?"

He nodded and went into the other room, kneeling down and smiling at his sister, stuffing the pacifier in her mouth.

"There you go. Does that make you happy?" he asked, leaning down and kissing her cheeks. "I really love you baby Aves. I think you're cute. Remember how I am your big brother? Because I will always protect you."

He reached in and took her hand and smiled when she gripped his fingers.

"When you get bigger I will teach you some stuff, okay? I don't know what I will teach you, but it will be important, so you always be listenin'."

She smiled at him behind the pacifier and he rocked her carseat gently back and forth and she kicked one leg, obviously forgetting what had been bothering her in the first place.

"You are the cutest sister in the world," he sighed, tipping his head to look at her. "Someday when you get big all the boys will want to kiss you and I will tell them no because I don't want them boys kissing on you. It is gross. I know because me and Isa tried once. It was yucky. Don't do it. Even though mama and daddy say it's not gross. Don't listen to them. They are too in love to know how yucky spit is."

She grinned and cooed at him, her pacifier falling out of her mouth.

"Looks like you've got things under control in here," Lindsay said, peeking in on them.

"Yep. She's happy but maybe you could get her out of her seat?"

Lindsay nodded and lifted Avery from the seat, kissing her cheeks before settling her on the blanket that was spread on the floor.

"I'm going to go deal with your brother. Can you keep an eye on her for a few minutes?"

"Yep, I can," he said, nodding with great importance. Lindsay watched them for a second, making sure they were okay, then went upstairs. She opened the bedroom door and found Ben sprawled out on his bed, his face buried in the pillows. He looked up at her and frowned, blinking his eyes.

"Do you know why I sent you up here?" she asked, sitting down next to him. He shook his head sadly.

"I done nothing bad."

"Benjamin I know you lied to me. You told me you didn't do something that you did do. That's wrong and you know it's wrong."

"But mama-"

"No buts young man."

His chin quivered and he started to cry.

"Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

He sniffled and crawled into her lap, wiping his eyes on her shirt.

"I love you mama. Ben loves you."

He used his own name to emphasize his point and she sighed, hugging him back and brushing his hair back from his forehead.

"I love you too, Benjamin. I don't like it when you lie to me and disobey me."

"Okay I love you mama," he repeated, reaching up to pat her face.

"I know you love me and I love you too, that's why you need to have a consequence."

"No mama. I not like conquests."

"Consequences. And I don't care if you don't like them. If I let you get away with everything you would not be a happy kid and I would not be a happy mama and we wouldn't have a happy family. You read me?"

"No. Can't read."

She sighed.

"You're going to go to bed early tonight as your consequence."

He groaned and covered his eyes.

"Not happy, mama."

"I know you're not, but maybe this will teach you what happens when you lie and disobey. Now, you can come out of your room and play with Colton and Avery or you can stay up here. It's your choice."

He crawled out of her lap and into his bed, pulling the blankets over his face.

"So you're staying here?"

"Yup."

"Alright. Whenever you decide to come out you can."

She stood up and left the room, and he let a few tears slip down his cheeks. That did not go as planned. Usually getting in trouble ended with lots of hugs and kisses. Maybe he hadn't cried enough. Maybe he wasn't bad enough. Maybe she didn't love him as much as she loved Colton. He would have to try again later.

* * *

"We'll see you boys in the morning," Adam said crouching down to hug his sons. "I don't want to see you before then because you were naughty and we had to come and get you."

"We are always good," Colton said while Ben nodded.

"Just making sure."

"Where are you and mama going?"

"No where special. Just on a date for a few hours and you guys get to spend the night here and we'll be back in the morning."

"Okay. Bye daddy!"

They raced off to join the other kids and Adam stood up, giving Lindsay the signal that it was time to go. She gave him a look back that she wasn't done talking and he leaned against the door with a grin.

"I have no idea what the deal is with him, but if he lies to you, don't hesitate to discipline him. For some reason that's his thing lately."

"Oh how fun," Austin sighed. "You don't love it."

"I hate it. It's driving me crazy. I know he's pulling a Jan Brady but the lying really gets to me. I question almost everything he tells me now and that really bugs me. Anyway, do what you have to do."

"Would you like a report back?"

"Yes."

"You got it. Now get out of here and go have a date. You're wasting precious time. And I am sure that Jo is concocting a plan to kidnap Avery. She's been alone with her for twenty minutes, she's probably already dyed her hair and started calling her Patty."

"Hearst?"

"Yes."

"You're awful but I love you."

"I love you too but get out of my house."

"Thanks for taking the boys. We'll see you in the morning."

They made their way outside and Lindsay stopped on the sidewalk, just breathing for a moment before she started to laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"It's so quiet out here, I almost can't handle it."

"Quiet?" he asked, taking her hand and pulling her into his arms. "In New York City?"

"There are no screaming children out here. A train could go by and I would still think it was quiet out here."

"So it's more the quality of the sound than the quantity?"

"I suppose you could say that. Where are we going?"

He smiled and took her hand.

"Dinner. Dancing."

"I'm not dressed fancy."

"You don't have to be. We're not going anywhere fancy."

She smiled and leaned into him, feeling the warmth of the kiss he pressed to her forehead travel all the way down to her toes. They walked slowly for a while, to a small neighborhood restaurant where the lights were dim and golden and the calm quiet was very appreciated.

* * *

"Hey! Austin, Ben smacked me!"

"Nu-uh, I did not."

"Yes you did too!"

"No Cole, I did not. You hit me!"

"Ben I just watched you hit him," Austin said, sounding bored. "Say you're sorry."

"No! I not wrong!" he argued, crossing his arms over his chest. "Not sayin' it."

Austin stared at him for a second before she looked at Danny. When Lindsay had warned them about Ben's behavior they had both honestly thought she was making too much of it and never imagined they would have to see it. They hadn't really been prepared for this.

"Ben," Danny warned. Ben just shook his head defiantly, his eyes narrowing behind his glasses.

"Binyin, you going to get in trouble."

"I not sayin' it. I not hitted."

"But I seen you! We all seen you!"

"I. Not. Hitted."

There was a long pause before Danny stood up and grabbed Ben's hand.

"But I not do nothing!" Ben protested, even as his grumpy behind was settled down onto the timeout chair.

Danny didn't reply, just walked away, feeling weird about punishing a kid that wasn't his own, and trying to remember how Adam and Lindsay usually disciplined the boys. Ben kept his arms crossed over his chest. He had not expected to be punished here. It had never happened before and he had really been expecting that they would ignore it and it would be dealt with later at home. He waited for a few minutes and Danny and Austin finally returned. He knew they were out of their element with him, somehow he sensed that they were a little unsure and to be honest, even though he didn't understand it, he felt bad for them.

"Ben, you know that you hit Colton, didn't you?"

"Yes," he admitted with a sigh. "I did."

"And then you tried to lie about it."

"Yep."

"Do you know that's wrong?"

He nodded and looked down at the floor, swinging his legs back and forth.

"I'm sorry. I am so bad."

"No, you're not bad, buddy. You just made a bad decision," Danny assured, patting his shoulder. "You can go say sorry to your brother and then we don't have to worry about it anymore, okay?"

"No consequence?"

"We'll leave that up to your mama and daddy this time, okay?"

Ben nodded in relief as Danny bumped knuckles with him.

"Not so fast little man," Austin said, grabbing him around the waist as he tried to follow Danny out of the room.

"What Austin?"

She smiled and held him tight, tickling his bare feet and dropping kisses into his sandy colored hair. He was a lot lighter and more wiry than she imagined him to be and he settled himself into her arms, reaching up to trace over her face.

"I hear you've been getting in trouble a lot lately," she said in a light voice, hoping he didn't feel like this was a confrontation.

"Yep," he affirmed. "I done lyin' a lot."

"Why?"

He gave her a half shrug.

"Mama gives me snuggles when the bein' mad is over. She loves me after."

"Oh Ben. Don't you know that your mama loves you all the time, with all her heart?"

"But sissy… mama only hold sissy and give her kisses. Not me. Not Ben."

"I know your mama has to take care of your sister a lot. I know that maybe you feel a little left out. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you. She loves you so much Ben."

"I was little," he sighed. "Sissy come and Cole doin' school. And me…" he gulped as he tried to think of what to say. "Me, nothing. I want mama and daddy love me like a'fore."

She squeezed him a little tighter and took his glasses off so she could wipe the tears from his eyes.

"Benjamin, I promise you that your mama and daddy still love you as much as they did before. You don't have to be bad to get their attention. If you just ask your mama for a hug she will be more than happy to give you one. Or ten."

"Really?"

"Yes. We all love you, Ben, no matter how many other kids there are."

"Okay. Austin?"

"Yes?"

"I like to lie."

"You what?"

"Like to lie. Mama listen everything I sayin'."

"She always listens to everything you say, Ben."

He sighed and shook his head and Austin moved into a more comfortable position, thinking this talk was going to be a little bit longer than she had anticipated. He knew the power of his voice, knew that he could make everyone stop and listen because his speaking was so rare. She didn't understand how he could have come to the conclusion that lying was an appropriate means of getting more attention.

"You know if you keep lying, no one will believe anything you say, even when it's the truth."

"But why?"

"Remember when your daddy gave you kids some jelly beans? And he said they were really good, but then you ate them and realized they were the Harry Potter ones?"

"Them taste like throw up."

"Yeah. And then when your daddy tried to give you real jelly beans, you didn't believe him, did you?"

"He tryna trick again."

"That's what people are going to think about you if you keep lying, Ben."

He buried his face in her chest and she could feel him start to cry as he understood the situation.

"Austin, you believe me?"

"I will believe you as long as you don't break my trust. As long as you don't lie to me."

"I not lie no more. I say truth now."

"Good."

"I got a truth!" he said, wiping his nose with the back of his hand.

"What is it?"

"I love you."

She smiled and hugged him tight.

"I love you too, Ben. More than you know."

"I not your baby," he said. "How you love me?"

"I love you because you're Ben. And you're cute. And you give the best hugs. And our family wouldn't be the same without you."

"Mama say all us kids are special, huh?"

"Yeah, you're all very, very special."

He smiled and patted her cheek.

"I feel happy now, Austin."

"I'm glad."

"I going to play."

* * *

"Mama! Daddy! You are here! Guess what, guess what!" Colton hollered rushing to hug them. "Know what we done last night? You know what we done?"

"What did you do?" Lindsay chuckled kneeling down so she could see him better.

"We was all sleepin' in bed and then Danny comed and waked us up because it was snowin' and we putted on our snow clothes and went to the park and played in the brand new snow! And it was dark outside and we done it anyway! And then we comed back and had hot chocolate and went back to bed."

"You did? Well I'm jealous."

"You should be, it was so fun. And 'member what you said that we wasn't going to get any more snow? You was wrong 'bout that. Also Danny pushed Austin in the snow and then she put the snow all in his face and then he put snow down her pants! Down her pants for real mama!"

"Oh my goodness."

"It was the funnest night of my life. You know what else happened?"

"What?"

"We had spaghetti and meatballs and we was so messy that Austin just taked off all our clothes so we just eated in our underwear!"

"Really?"

"Yup. Do we have to leave now?"

"Yeah, it's time to go."

"Okay, I will get my shoes on. I will be right back."

He ran into the other room excitedly and they could hear him jabbering to the rest of the kids about something.

"Were they good?" Lindsay asked, afraid of what answer Austin might give her.

"Better behaved than Danny was."

"Austin."

"Colton was fine. Ben had an issue."

"What kind of issue?"

Austin briefly told them what had happened and watched as Lindsay's face fell, whether in shame or disappointment, she wasn't sure.

"I think he's just trying to figure out what he's going to be if he's not the baby of the family. I don't think it's something permanent."

"I thought I was doing alright. I was making special time for just him every day. I guess that's not enough."

"I think it's enough but he's just a mixed up kid who doesn't really know what to do with himself. It's not your fault."

"And as much as you want to hug him and make it all go away," Adam started, leaning down into the stroller to give Avery her pacifier. "He needs to have a consequence for that."

"I know. He'll have one, I just feel bad."

"You're going to feel worse if he starts doing it more often."

"Why do I feel like you're going to make me be the bad guy on this one?"

"Because you're paranoid and agitated."

Austin chuckled.

"You two really are something else, aren't you?"

"Yeah, we are."

"Hi guys! I'm Binyin!"

They looked up and saw Junior, his normally spiked hair patted down and Ben's glasses on his face.

"Well hi Ben," Lindsay chuckled. "Are you ready to come home and do chores?"

"Binyin, you not say nothin' 'bout chores!"

"Cleanin' room day," Ben said. "I stay here and play. You go to my home."

Junior looked up at Lindsay skeptically.

"I don't want to be Binyin no more."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep. Binyin will be Binyin."

She nodded and kissed his forehead before releasing him. He gave the glasses back to Ben and they held a quiet conversation for a moment before Ben tore across the room and into Lindsay's arms.

"Mama!"

"Ben!"

He held her tightly and giggled at the kisses she dropped all over his cheeks.

"I got in trouble," he reported. "Me 'n Austin was talkin'. I say truth now, okay? I do my best."

"I'm very glad."

"I make one oops the mornin'."

"You did?"

"Yup. I say to Cole that he a stinky poopy, but he not one a'those."

"Did you tell him the truth later?"

"Yup! He say sometimes I act a doo-doo head."

"He did?"

"Mmm-hmm. I not sad. Sometime I do act a doo-doo head."

"Well if you do or you don't, I love you anyway."

"Okay. I dig it. We go home now? I be done with consequence."

"Oh, you want to get it over with?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, we can go home."

He smiled and hugged her neck.

"I love you Benjamin."

"I love you too mama, for all the earth."


	168. Chapter 168

"Help! Help! My mouth is fallin' out! HELP!"

Ben woke up and rubbed his eyes, looking over at Colton who was holding his hands over his mouth and looking close to tears.

"Cole? What'sa matter?"

"My mouth is fallin' out, Ben! See it's bleedin'."

He moved his hands and showed Ben the bleeding top gum.

"It's the tooth that was loose I think! Is it bleedin' everywhere?"

"Uh-huh. Mama!"

Lindsay and Adam had both heard the first shouts and came into the room, half panicked.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm bleedin'! Don't you dudes see that?"

Adam chuckled and sat down on the bed, inspecting Colton's mouth.

"You must have bit down or whacked it in your sleep. Can I wiggle it?"

"No daddy! It will hurt a lot!"

"No it won't. I won't move it any more than it already moves on its own."

Colton whimpered as Adam gently wiggled the top tooth back and forth.

"You know what I think?"

"What?"

"I think that tooth is going to come out today."

"Today? Will it hurt?"

"Nah, it's pretty much hanging on by a thread. Should we pull it out right now?"

"No! I don't want to do that! I like my tooth where it's at!"

"I know, but it can't stay there forever. You have to make room for your grown up teeth."

"But I don't want it to hurt!"

"It won't buddy."

"I am keeping it in until it just falls out by it's ownself, okay? My tooth can do whatever it wants."

"Okay, just don't swallow it."

Colton's eyes grew wide in horror and he clamped his hand over his mouth.

"I will not be eating today," he said. "No way."

"Well that's too bad because we were going to have waffles for breakfast before I take you to school."

"That's okay. I will pass."

"Okay then. Why don't you boys get dressed and mama and I will make breakfast."

They left the room and Ben got out of bed, rubbing his eyes and finding some clothes to wear.

"Know what I get to do at school today Ben?"

"What?"

"I get to have a Valentine's party. I am gonna get cards and candy and teacher said we're going to have cupcakes too!"

"I want cupcakes," Ben sighed, sliding his glasses on.

"I don't know if there's gonna be enough, but when I get home maybe you could have one of my candies."

"Yeah?"

"Yup. I think I am going to wear my red shirt today, for Valentines day. What are you going to wear today Ben?"

"Din-saur clothes," he replied, pulling out his dinosaur costume. "I be scary today. Roar at mama."

"Why would you roar at mama?"

"She act like she scared. It funny. We play while you gone."

"Really?"

"Yup. Sissy sleep and me and mama play. She chase me around. Today I be a din-saur. I chase mama."

"That sounds like fun Ben. Not as fun as school, but still pretty good. Do I look like a Valentines boy now Ben?"

"Yup. I look like din-saur?"

"Sort of. You needa be zipped up. Turn 'round, I will do it."

Ben obeyed and Colton zipped the costume up, then patted his shoulder.

"All done. Let's go see 'bout breakfast."

"You said not eatin' Cole," Ben reminded him, his forehead creasing in confusion as they made their way downstairs.

"Well I am very hungry. Maybe I will not use my loose tooth."

"Oh. We gonna have waffles real?"

"I think so. It's daddy's favorite that mama makes. Maybe she will put strawberries on it."

"Yeah!" Ben hollered, jumping down the last two steps, his dinosaur tail slapping against the floor. They rounded the corner into the kitchen and stopped, both sighing and crossing their arms.

"They're kissin'," Colton whined. "Again. Look there's smoke on the eggs!"

Adam snorted a pointed laugh which Lindsay smacked his arm for, then turned around to removed the botched breakfast from the heat.

"I think mama and daddy need to be babysitted," Colton sighed. "They are always doin' this."

"Hey, not always," Adam defended. "And don't you think it's good that I love mama so much that I can't keep my hands off her?"

"No. Ben and Avery don't think so either. You should keep your hands apart from mama. Teacher says that boys are blue and girls are pink and we should not make purple."

"I don't even know how to respond to that."

Colton just nodded and helped Ben climb up onto a stool.

"You know what I am going to do today guys?"

"I don't know, what are you going to do?"

"Today I will ask Isa if she will be my girlfriend."

Adam chuckled and shook his head, while Lindsay stopped mid-stir and put her hand on her hip.

"Now just wait a minute here, dude. You think kissin' is gross, you don't even want me and daddy huggin' each other and you just said boys and girls can't make purple, and you think that you're going to ask Isa to be your girlfriend?"

"Yup."

"How in the world does that make sense?"

"I dunno what you mean."

"You're a hypocrite."

"Mama, I am not fat."

"What?"

"You called me a hippo!"

"No, I called you a hypocrite… oy, never mind."

"Bud, I think she means, what the heck are you going to do with a girlfriend?"

"We will always play together and swap lunches."

"Don't you do that now?"

"Yes, but if she is my girlfriend no other boys can take her from me."

"That actually kind of makes sense," Lindsay sighed. "But you're on your own when you go and ask Danny's permission."

"Oh that will be fine, mama. I am Danny's buddy you know. He will say okay."

"You think that now, but you don't know what it's like to have a daughter," Adam chuckled, taking a sip of coffee.

"Someday I will. I will have a lot of kids. I think five."

"Really?"

"Yep. Or maybe fourteen-eleventy."

"Good luck with that."

* * *

"Hey!" Colton shouted, running down the street to catch up to Isa and Austin. "Hi Sweet Thing."

"Hi Colt. Did you 'member to bring your Valentimes?"

"Yup, I gots them," he confirmed, holding up a bag. "I really gotta ask you somethin' later, okay?"

"Okay. Ma, can I go to school now?"

"Yeah go ahead. Colton, aren't you going to say bye to your daddy?"

"Oh yeah, bye daddy. See you later."

Without giving their parents a second glance they ran into the classroom and jumped into their seats. Most of the other kids were already there, chattering to each other, excited for the party.

"Know what my mama maked me for breakfast Isa?"

"What?"

"I gotted heart waffles and red strawberry milk!"

"Really?"

"Yup! What did you eat?"

"Daddy boughted us Valentimes cereal. But my ma maked me a peanut and jelly sandwich and she cut it into a heart for snack time. What did you bring for snack time?"

"I don't know, mama just put it in my backpack. I asked for pretzels and peanut butter last night."

"Oh, that will be good. Hey how come we didn't have no family dinner in forever?"

"Daddy say that it because they is all workin' a lot and we don't have time. He say that we will have one pretty soon and then we could play. I will show you what granna and papa sended me and Ben. It is very cool."

"Okay."

"I could ask you somethin' now, Isa?"

"Yep."

He was just about to speak when they were joined by Oliver and Samantha, their best friends besides each other.

"Hey guys!" Isa greeted. "What's goin' on?"

"Nothin'," Oliver answered, wiping his nose on his sleeve. "Teacher says we're gonna make Valentines mailboxes for our cards. Did you guys put candy on yours?"

"Yep!" they chorused.

"Me and Colt, we maked them together with our mamas," Isa confirmed. "And the little kids tried to steal the candy and Ben got one and then he wouldn't give it back so he had to go to his room."

"Yep, he was bein' naughty. Today he is dressed like a dinosaur because he wants to chase mama."

"Oh brother," Isa said, rolling her eyes. "That Ben is crazy, crazy. He could never catch your mama, she run almost fast as my mama. And that is fast because they have to catch bad guys."

"Yep, I know."

"Um, my mommy said that you could all come over to my house on Friday after school to play," Samantha squeaked. "She is calling your mommies today to ask them."

"That will be so sweet!" Isa said with a nod. "You don't got no little kids in your house do you?"

"Nope! Just me. We can play wherever we want to because I got a playroom with lots of toys in it and no one else ever plays with me so we will all share."

"That will be good. Mine and Isa's mamas with say yes I bet. Oliver will you go?"

"Yup. My mommy lets me do whatever I wanna do."

Their teacher got the attention of the class and told them about the shoeboxes that they were going to make into mailboxes for their Valentines. Colton was already planning in his head what he wanted his to look like and he couldn't wait to get his hands on it. All the other kids rushed the front table, grabbing boxes and taking them back to their seats. Colton waited until the madness had died down before he grabbed his. There were just a few left to choose from, and he stood there, absentmindedly wiggling his tooth until he picked the small square one. It was already covered in red paper and a hole was cut out of the top, but it would be perfect for what he wanted to do. He returned to the table where Isa, Oliver and Samantha were already hard at work, using crayons and markers and scraps of construction paper to make their boxes.

"Colt, what is yours gonna look like?"

"It's gonna look like a real mailbox for real mail," he answered. "Then I will hang it by my door so people can bring me mail. Ben could get mail in it too since he also lives in my room. I will make another one for baby Aves later."

"That's a good idea. I will write you letters to go in there, okay?"

"Okay."

They all worked in silence for a while, concentrating on making their mailboxes exactly how they wanted them.

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie," Colton started absentmindedly.

"That's amore!" Isa added with a giggle.

"When the stars seem to shine like you've had too much wine."

"That's amore!"

"Bells will ring, ting-a-ling-a-ling, ting-a-ling-a-ling."

"Then you'll sing vita bella."

"Hearts will play tippy-tippy-tay, tippy-tippy-tay."

"Like a gay tarantella. When the stars make you drool just like pasta fazool."

"That's amore!"

"When you walk down the street with a cloud at your feet."

"You're in love."

"When you walk in a dream but you know you're not dreaming."

"Signore!"

"Scuzza me but you see back in old Napoli."

"That's Amore!"

They didn't care that the other kids were looking at them weird, after all they were both raised in homes where bursting out in song was pretty common and they both felt it would be strange to not sing whatever song popped into your head. At least it hadn't been Lady Gaga this time.

They all continued with their mailboxes until they were completed, and then it was time for morning math lessons. They were learning to count by twos and Colton enjoyed the pattern of it and how he could always predict what came next. It was just adding, and he'd figured out that if you started with an even number and added two, you would always get an even number. He liked math a lot because it made sense. Isa on the other hand could not understand why they had to go over the same things time and time again if she already knew it. Sure it hadn't come completely easy to her, but it also wasn't the most difficult thing in the world, and she found herself bored by the whole thing. She was more interested in reading because at least then she could go at her own pace.

"Hey Isa, come on it's recess time," Colton said, tugging on her arm. "Let's go get a tire swing."

She followed him outside and they ran to the tire swings, finding them occupied.

"Maybe let's go on the slide instead."

"We'll have to wait in line," she sighed.

"That's okay. Remember I was gonna ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Isa, do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"I don't know. What's a girlfriend do?"

"You just be my best friend and no other boys can be your best friend. Also when I have money I will take you on a date to get ice-cream and hotdogs."

"Hmm. Does that mean you're my boyfriend?"

"Yep. Daddy telled me lots of stories about when he was mama's boyfriend so I know what to do. I will take you dancin' in the kitchen and we can watch movies together and I will tell you how much I love you."

"Okay, I could be your girlfriend and you could be my boyfriend but you will have to ask my daddy 'fore you take me anyplace."

"Okay, deal."

* * *

"I want that!" Ben said, pointing at the small chocolate heart.

"No, I am keeping that one. You can have the Tootsie rolls and also this fruit snacks."

"But that one!" Ben insisted, grabbing for the candy.

"Benjamin, Colton is being nice and sharing his candy with you and you will be happy with what you get."

Ben grumbled but took the offered candy anyway.

"Today we played BINGO with candy hearts and some other kid winned that game and then we learned about the first Valentines man."

"Wow Cole."

"Yup, it was fun. Someday you will be in kindergarten so you will get to do it too."

"That be fun."

"Yup it will. Mama, is it time for lunch?"

"Yeah, go sit at the table."

"You need help? I could bring the plates. You only got one hand cuz you're holding the baby."

"Thank you sweetie, that would help me a lot."

"I will take my plate and Ben's plate. Could I not eat the carrots because of my tooth?"

"Can't you eat them on the other side of your mouth?"

"Nope because I have a loose one over there too. It's the one right next to this wiggly one."

"Are all your teeth going to fall out of your head?"

"No, then I would look like Avery!"

He set the plates down on the table and climbed into his seat.

"Hey Cole. I see your fang?"

"Yeah."

Colton opened his mouth and in a split second, Ben had grabbed the tooth and yanked it out.

"Ow! Hey Ben what did you do that for?"

"I dunno. I put it back."

"Nah. How do I look?"

"Bleedin' 'gain."

"Oh cool. Now what do I do with the tooth?"

"Well you've got a few options. You can sell it to papa for two bucks or you can leave it for the toothfairy and see what she brings you."

"The toothfairy ain't real so she will probably just bring me Monopoly money. I will sell it to papa. What will he do with it?"

"He keeps all the grandbabies teeth in a jar and then he is going to make a necklace out of it one day."

"That is gross, mama."

"That's what he always said, but I think he's teasin'. You can do whatever you want with your tooth, okay?"

"I will ask daddy what he thinks when he comes home."

"Okay. Now don't stick your tongue in that hole."

"Why?"

"Because if you don't you'll grow a gold tooth."

"Okay."

"Come here and let me look at you."

He walked over and smiled at her and she smiled at the new space in his mouth. She wanted to cry as she blinked once and saw a tiny baby but at the same time she stared at her growing boy in wonder.

"After lunch I'll teach you how to blow water through there, okay?"

"Okay!" he said reaching up and hugging her neck. "That will be so sweet."

She chuckled and held him close for a minute, noticing the freckles across his nose and how it was her eyes staring right back at her.

"I'm gonna eat my tuna now okay?"

"Okay baby."

He went back to his chair and sat down and continued to tell Ben all about what he'd done that day. Avery laid in her lap, half asleep but seemingly paying attention because she giggled each time the boys did. She was getting so much more interactive and on days that reflux didn't flare up, she was making noise from morning until night. There wasn't even babbling yet, just coos and gurgles, but she wanted them to know she was still there.

"Hey monsters," Adam greeted, coming through the back door. What's goin' on in here?"

"Daddy! What you doin' home?"

"I thought I would come home and grab lunch. How's the tooth?"

"Ben pulled it out, see?"

"Whoa, that's a gnarly one."

"Yeah. What should I do with it? How much does the tooth fairy pay?"

"I don't know. I hear the going rate for a first tooth is five bucks."

"Five bucks?" Colton asked in delight while Lindsay asked the same thing, but more skeptically.

"Yeah, first teeth are pretty important."

"This one is wiggly too! What about second teeth daddy?"

"Second teeth aren't worth so much, but I'm sure it's more than when I was a kid."

Colton nodded and went back to his lunch while Adam stood up and headed for the kitchen, making a quick stop to kiss Lindsay.

"Really, five bucks?"

He just shrugged.

"Whatever you say, Adam. Here, I'll make your lunch, you hold your daughter."

"I can do that. Hey Butterball. You look happy today."

She smiled at him and cooed loudly, spitting her pacifier out in the process. He caught it before it hit the floor, then quickly clamped his teeth around the bow on her headband and pulled it back into place.

"My coolest ninja moment and you're the only one who saw and you can't say anything."

She just kept smiling as if it was their secret and he leaned down to kiss her cheek.

"I love you sweetie girl. Always stay little enough to fit in my arms, okay?"

She held onto his finger and curled herself into him contentedly, sighing and letting sleep come to take her. He brushed his fingers over her hair, which was getting thicker and redder by the day.

"Here you go," Lindsay said, setting the plate down in front of him. "Want me to take her back?"

"No."

She smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of his head before reaching over to stop a food fight between the boys. No sooner had she sat down than Ben crawled into her lap, yawning and settling himself in for his afternoon nap. He was still wearing the dinosaur costume from this morning, even though he's spilled breakfast on it. It was sticky and smelly but she had chosen her battle and let him keep wearing it because it wasn't really a big deal. Of course she had asked him if he wanted to take it off before they went to pick up Colton, but he had insisted the he was a dinosaur and he would be one all day long. She moved the hood off of his head, chuckling at his cowlick.

"I be din-saur, mama," he said sleepily.

"I know baby. You can be a dinosaur after I get this washed, okay?"

"Daddy?"

"Listen to what mama says buddy."

"Mm'kay."

"I'm going to go put you in your bed okay?"

He nodded and held onto her while she stood from the table and went up the stairs. She settled him onto his messy bed, pulling off his shoes and wriggling him out of his costume. He sighed and she pulled the blankets up over him before taking his glasses off and putting them on the side table. He sucked his bottom lip in and closed his eyes tighter when she leaned down to kiss his cheek.

"I love you Benjamin. Sleep good."

She started back down the stairs and met Adam halfway, bringing Avery up to put her to bed too.

"Are your afternoons normally like this?" he asked, gently putting the baby into the crib.

"You mean quiet? Lately, yeah."

"I'm never going back to work."

She chuckled and hugged him as they stood in the doorway, resting against him and sighing in the silence.

"You should play hooky."

"Oh really?"

"No, but I wanted you to know how desperately I want you to just be home all the time."

"Point taken. I do have to leave though. I'll be home for dinner."

"Okay. Be safe."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Hey mama?" Colton whispered from the stairs. "Can we have a movie date while the kids is asleep? John Wayne?"

"Yeah, we can do that."

He smiled and held his arms out until she picked him up.

"I would invite you too daddy, but John Wayne movies is me and mama's thing, just for our ownselves okay?"

"Alright, I can deal with that. You be good and I'll be home later."

"Love you daddy."

"I love you too bud."

He kissed them both then went back downstairs, the back door closing behind him as he left the house.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"I am just really happy and glad that I am your son."

"I am too, Colton. I am too."


	169. Chapter 169

"If you want to wear pink today, lay there and do nothing," Lindsay said, grinning down at Avery who was giving her a look of absolutely zero amusement. "And we have a taker!"

"Mama, you're so weird," Colton sighed from the couch, shaking his head as he flipped the channels between two cartoons. "Of course the baby Aves will wear pink. She is a girl after all."

"Yes I know. I've waited a long time to have a girl because boys just don't look good in pink and frills."

"How do you know they don't look good? Mama did you dress me up in girl clothes?"

"No, I would never do that!" she said, carefully leaving out the time Danny and Adam had swapped Colton and Isa's clothes just to be funny.

"Well okay then. Can I go find a hair pretty for her to wear?"

"No, I'm going to put her in a hat because we're going outside."

"We are?"

"Well me and Avery are. You boys are staying here."

"With who? Daddy went to work."

"Faye is coming over."

"She is?" he shouted jumping off the couch and running around in an excited circle. "She is, she is, SHE IS?"

"Yes, settle down."

"We have not seen her forever!"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head. It had only really been two weeks, but she could understand his enthusiasm.

"If me and Ben are staying here, where are you and the baby Aves going?"

"We're going to go shopping with Austin."

"Mama, Austin don't like shoppin'."

"I know, which is why we go together because if we didn't she wouldn't go."

"What kind of shopping are you doin'?"

"We're lookin' to buy a spaceship."

"Oh brother."

"Alright Pickle why don't you have some tummy time while I throw this diaper away."

"I will watch so she doesn't biff it in the face," Colton offered as Lindsay rolled Avery over onto her stomach. She squealed loudly in anger and clenched her fists up, but calmed down a little when Colton laid down on his stomach in front of her, patting her head.

"It's okay baby. Remember this is how you make your neck strong so your head don't fall all over the place no more. You are easier to hold when we don't gotta worry about your head. At least it's not as big as Ben's head though."

She grunted at him and he smiled, rubbing her hands while she kicked her legs.

"You are so cute," he said with a smile. "I like how you have chubby cheeks because they jiggle. You have the same color eyes as daddy but me and Ben have the same color as mama. I like when you smile like that too. You have the same smile as mama and you sound like her when you laugh. It makes me feel happy."

She drooled a little and he wiped it away while Ben came over and squatted down to investigate what they were doing.

"Hi guys. What up?"

"We're just hanging out. You wanna lay here too? The baby Aves don't like bein' by herself on her tummy."

"Okay. Sissy, I tell a joke. How make a tissue dance? Put boogie in it! That mean a snot booger."

Colton laughed and Avery grinned, laying her head down on the floor and yawning.

"Hey Ben, Faye is coming over to play with us."

"Yay! I love Faye."

"Me too. Remember how she tells stories of when she was a tiny girl?"

"Uh-huh. She sleeped in a log in the woods."

"Yep, when she runned away."

"Her doggy get skunk on him."

"Yeah. Maybe she will tell us a new story."

"Mm-hmm."

"Mama is gonna go with Austin. Shoppin'. Maybe she will bring us a prize."

"We be good, Cole."

"Yep."

Lindsay came back into the room and joined them on the floor. Avery shrieked in delight and her head bobbed up and down with excitement.

"She loves mama the best," Colton whispered to Ben. "But I think in secret she likes me more because I am the big brother."

"I big brother!"

"Oh yeah you are huh? Then she like us both the best. Then mama and daddy after us."

"Okay."

"But I love her the most because we are birthday buddies."

"I love sissy too! Big!"

"I know. I love her bigger because I am bigger than you."

"Well I'm bigger than both of you so I love you all bigger than you even know."

"Mama right," Ben said with a smile.

"Yup, she's always right. 'Cept when Daddy is right."

"When is daddy right?"

"Never."

* * *

"I just popped a kid out, there's no way I'm wearing skinny jeans," Lindsay grumped, sticking the jeans back on the rack. "How are these still in style?"

"I don't know," Austin chuckled, adjusting Avery in her arms and kissing her forehead.

"I think I want to give up."

"Linds."

"I know I need clothes. I just don't want to buy them. Can't someone just measure me and make something that will make me be skinny?"

"No."

"How come you always look good?"

"Because I don't care?"

"I am not happy with you right now," she said, even as she giggled.

"Linds, you've lost all the baby weight and I think even then some. You look better than you think you do."

"I know. I really do. I think I just don't feel good about myself or something."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm too tired to feel good about myself."

"Then you need to get some sleep because you look good. Maybe skinny jeans aren't a good idea for you but who are they a good idea for anyway?"

"Thank you for the perspective."

"Shopping break?"

"That would be nice. Do you want a baby break?"

"No. I would like to continue holding this child until you take me to court to sue for your custody back."

"I understand."

They made their way out of the store and down the street slowly, holding their few bags and breathing in the cool late winter air.

"Julianne's?" Austin asked after a moment, referring to their favorite coffee shop.

"Absolutely. That white hot chocolate with raspberry will cure anything."

"There's my best friend."

"Don't tell Adam I told you this…"

"Already the best story ever."

"He was in the bathroom shaving this morning and I walked by and he was half dancing and singing "White and Nerdy" into my hairbrush."

"He was not!"

"He was. He noticed me looking at him and he grinned and went back to singing."

"He is such a dork."

"I know. It's getting bad."

Austin laughed as they made their way inside the coffee shop, breathing in the scent of gourmet coffee and chocolate. They hadn't been here since before Avery was born and they'd really only discovered it a few months beforehand. It was geared towards mothers of small children and had a full toybox and baskets piled with children's books. There was just about every kind of coffee imaginable, but it wasn't pretentious or overpriced, and the pastries were well worth their weight in gold.

They both ordered their drinks and sat down on their usual couch, a giant overstuff floral number that would look ridiculous in any other place but was so fitting here. Avery was fussing so Austin handed her over before getting back up to get their drinks.

"I feel like we don't talk anymore," Austin said bluntly as she sat down again.

"I know. I hate it."

"I really miss you."

"I miss you too. I kept wanting to call you but then the boys would be fighting or she would cry or I would just fall asleep and forget."

"It's a vicious circle," Austin said, knowing all too well how her best friend was feeling.

"We have a lot of those."

They lapsed into silence, the first time in a long while or possibly ever that they didn't know what to say. It wasn't uncomfortable, just quiet. Maybe that was what they needed for the moment. Austin drew her legs up underneath her and tucked her hair behind her ear, taking a sip of coffee and watching Lindsay closely.

"Hey Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you thinking about?"

"I'm not really even sure."

Austin gave her a half grin.

"When are you going back to work?"

"I don't know yet. I'm meeting with Mac this afternoon to figure that out."

"You don't want to go back at all."

"Not really. I didn't want to go back the other times either but I did it because I didn't really think there was another choice. This time… the thought of it almost makes me sick. I just don't want to leave her. For some reason it's harder this time."

"Because she's your last baby."

"Yeah."

"You've noticed that it's different with a girl than it is with boys."

She nodded, running her hand over Avery's cheek, matching her smile.

"I don't really know why, but I am more desperate to keep her little than I was with the boys. I feel like she's more fragile or something. The boys are so much like Adam, I just see little men running around. But with her, she's just a baby. She's just so precious and sweet and… I don't know how to explain it. It's like I worry about her more. When I think of the boys growing up it's all good. Not that they won't have struggles, but it's going to be easy for them. I look at Avery and I'm nearly sick with worry. Especially when I start thinking about middle school and how horrible people can be and how emotional she's going to be and I just want to keep her little forever."

"I know. Imagine if you had all girls."

"I can't."

"What would you have named Colton if he had been a girl?"

"Paisley Anne. Ben would have been Willow Grace and if we kept with the theme Avery would have been Violet Joy."

"Willow Grace sounds like _Will and Grace_."

"We didn't not think about that."

"Are you guys hippies?"

"Nah, we just like nature names. We also thought about Rose, Sage, River, Larkin, Winter, Rain… a couple others that I can't remember."

"Rose, River and Rain Ross. Now you're just trying to be funny."

"I swear! We really did talk about those. Adam really liked Daisy. He said it reminded him of this old picture of me with daisies in my hair. He said it was whimsical or something."

"He's wanted a girl for a long time, hasn't he?"

"Yeah, he has," she said with a sigh. "I'm scared for her."

"About what?"

"That she's going to end up like me. That I passed it on to her."

"Oh Lin."

"My mom gave it to me, you know? I just don't want her to have to go through that. I don't want her to ever have to feel the things I felt, I don't want her to ever get as close to the edge as I did. Maybe it's not even genetic, maybe it was just happenstance but I can't help feeling like I gave her a disease. I mean what if… what if she never finds her Adam or her Austin and she doesn't have anyone to help her the way I did."

"Lin, you're forgetting something really important. Our failsafe, remember? All of our kids will always have all of us. You were alone when you were a kid. You were alone in it for most of your life. You didn't understand it and you had no idea what it was. That won't happen to her. I know you, Linds, you're not going to lie to the kids about it or ignore it. They'll know what it is and they'll know that they can come to you or Adam or me and Danny and we'll help them. They won't ever have that loneliness. And it wouldn't be your fault, Lindsay. Do you blame your mom?"

"For not taking care of it, yeah."

"Well obviously, but that's not going to happen with your kids, is it?"

"No."

"I'm not saying you shouldn't worry. I'm not saying you should ignore the possibility. I just think that if it happens, to any of them, it's going to be a lot easier on them than it was on you. You are their greatest resource and their greatest comfort and they're going to be okay."

"Thank you."

"I just tell the truth."

"What do you worry about with the kids?"

Austin sighed and pulled at a strand of her dark hair, frowning at the ends of it before answering.

"I don't worry about Daniel so much. Except I worry that he will never find someone that will love him like I do. I worry he'll get his heart broken. But at the same time I know he'll be okay. He's got too much of his dad in him. The girls though… I worry that Isa will be me and Sarah will disappear. Or that Isa will spend so much time being that loud, crazy, sassy girl we all know and she'll hide the other parts of herself behind that. I worry that they'll hate me. I worry that we'll fight constantly. I worry that when the time comes for them to leave the nest I won't be able to let them go. I worry even more that they'll be too scared to leave."

"Your kids? Scared?"

"It's been known to happen."

"I think you've given them all a sense of adventure that they're going to spend the rest of their lives trying to quench. I don't think they're going to be adrenaline junkies but I do think they're all going to try a lot of things until they find their passions. And I think you're going to have the best time watching them."

"I think so too. Do you ever think back on life before the kids and wonder what in the world you did to occupy your time?"

"Every day."

Avery yawned and stretched in her sleep, then settled back down, sucking on her bottom lip the way Ben did.

"She's so pretty," Austin sighed, looking down at the baby with a smile.

"I know. I catch Adam staring at her all the time. He just sits there and looks at her. They'll spend like ten solid minutes staring at each other almost like… like they're enchanted. And when he comes home at night, the second she hears his voice she starts looking around for him."

"She does the same thing with you even if you've been gone for thirty seconds. She starts laughing and kicking her legs all over."

"I love that."

"She's a mama's girl."

"She's a pretty hardcore daddy's girl too."

"What is it about daddy's and daughters?"

Lindsay just smiled and shook her head, once again amazed at the love.

"I still remember the first time I held Colton," Austin started, looking out the window, the expression on her face far away. "He was so little and I was afraid I would hurt him. I was so scared then too because he was hooked up to all those tubes and wires and he looked like the bionic baby."

"I know."

"And you and Adam acted like it was no big deal, you were old pros at it. And then you handed him to me and… I guess I had thought that I would love him the same way I loved Dallas and Mikey but it was so different. I can't even explain it."

"I know. It was like that when I held Isa the first time too. It's like you just love them from your toes up. You can't even stop it. I'd never felt that before. Even with my nephews and my niece it always took awhile to feel connected to them or something. I can go a long time without seeing them and it's not a big deal. Your kids? Five days and I'm having withdrawals or something."

"Exactly. I tried explaining that to Danny and he looked at me like I was nuts. He tries to hide it but he loves your kids a lot too. Especially this one, I think he's smitten."

"She's like the last piece of the puzzle or something."

"Can you imagine Linds, if we'd never bothered being friends? If we just kept it to colleagues and didn't go out for that first cup of coffee or didn't find a common bond in irritating Danny or something? Can you imagine what it would be like now?"

"Really empty for all of us."

* * *

The elevator stopped with a jerk and deposited them into the lab before the doors slammed shut behind them. Lindsay turned back and looked at it, wondering if it needed to be serviced or if her mind was playing tricks on her. Shrugging, she made her way to Mac's office, adjusting the carseat in her arms, amazed that Avery was still sleeping. Usually she would wake up when she was moved, but maybe she was taking advantage of the fact that she didn't have two brothers fawning over her and begging her to wake up so they could cuddle her. Lindsay told them to leave her alone but at least twice a day she would find a big brother holding onto the bars of the crib and reaching in to touch her. She loved that they loved her so much but it was getting to be a little annoying.

She saw Adam out of the corner of her eye and she watched him work for a minute before he noticed her. He looked up and gave her a grin and she went over to his workstation, leaning down to kiss him quickly.

"You going in to talk to Mac?"

"Yeah. I thought you would be home by now."

"I'm leaving in about five minutes. I'll go home and get the boys and then head to the airport to pick up your parents, unless you think you'll be ready to go in time."

"I don't know, Mac said we're going to have to figure out how long I can be gone before I have to get recertified or… whatever, I don't know."

"Want me to take her with me?"

"Probably not. I don't know how long I'm going to be."

"Okay, well let me kiss her before you go."

She smiled and lifted up the carseat so he could lean in and kiss his daughter. She opened her eyes and gave him a sleepy smile before sighing and falling asleep again.

"You two be safe okay?"

"We will. You too."

She kissed him quickly again, then turned and went into Mac's office. He had the door halfway open and waved her in, even though he was on the phone.

"Lindsay just walked in, you want to talk to her?"

She gave him a confused look as he handed her the phone.

"It's Stella."

"Oh, thanks. Hey Stell."

"Hi Linds. How are you doing?"

"Oh, you know. Tired, stretched too thin, loving every second of it."

"Sounds about right. How's Avery? You don't send enough pictures."

"I just put some in the mail for you this morning. She's really good. Colton keeps saying that her cheeks are just too chubby to handle. I tend to agree. Right now she's half awake, half asleep because Mac took her out of her carseat and he's making fishy faces at her."

"Are you pulling my leg?"

"Not even a little. Now she's laughing at him but I'm not sure if it's amused or pity."

"I wish I was there."

"We wish you were here too. How's your man friend?"

"Ew don't call him that. And he's fine."

"Are you going to come visit soon so we can all cast our votes on him?"

"I'll be up in May I think. I'm not sure if he's coming or not. I'm sure you'll all pass judgment anyway."

"We just love you, Stell."

"I know. I appreciate it. How are the boys?"

"They're… interesting. Ben wants to grow up too fast and he's been talking a lot more lately. He has this weird circular way of thinking and sometimes I don't know where he comes up with stuff. And Colton is growing up way too fast. He wanted to grow his hair out because it's lost all its curl and we told him he could if he kept his room clean for a month and did all his homework. So now he is sporting hair that I am really, really temped to cut."

"How long is it?"

"It's in his eyes and it covers his ears a little. He has this funny cowlick in the back and whenever he combs his hair on his own he does this really exaggerated comb-over and he looks like his scalp is on sideways."

"It looks cute on him though."

"Yeah, it does. He's proud of it but Adam keeps calling him ragamuffin, and then he suddenly wants muffins and… well you can imagine what it's like."

Stella chuckled and shook her head.

"I really miss that kind of stuff. Maybe you guys should come to New Orleans sometime."

"Austin and I were actually talking about that this morning. We're trying to figure out what six kids on a plane would be like."

"Something to write home about."

"For sure."

"I've got to go. Tell Mac I'll talk to him later."

"Okay. We love you."

"Love you too. Bye Linds."

They hung up and Lindsay looked over at Mac, thinking that the spit up on his tie served him right for waking the baby up.

"Don't laugh Lindsay, it's not funny."

"I'm not laughing because it's funny."

He shot her a look and adjusted Avery in his arms.

"You don't want to come back to work, do you?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"Not really. I do, because I know once she's in school I'll have to come back or I'll go crazy. But at the same time I really don't want to leave her right now."

"So it really has nothing to do with finding a sitter or anything."

"No, as long as Adam and I can work different shifts that's fine. I just don't want to be swallowed in work and busy all the time."

"I understand. You've got a week of maternity left, do you want to take that and then come back part time, two days a week like you've done before?"

"That would be good. I was wondering how much time I could take off before I lose my licensing and certifications."

"If you were to just take a leave of absence, you would have six months. If you take longer than three months you're going to have to retest in a few areas and if you take the full six months you're going to have to do it all again."

"Okay," she sighed.

"You want to have your cake and eat it too," he chuckled, kissing Avery's forehead.

"You would too, Mac. You big softie."

He shook his head and handed her a manila folder with paperwork to fill out, then turned his attention back to the baby, who was practicing her spit bubbles and her charm.

* * *

"Yeah sweetie, it's good to see you, now let me have my granddaughter."

Lindsay raised her eyebrows at her mom's half teasing and handed Avery over anyway.

"Hi little girl," Dale greeted.

"Hi daddy."

He leaned down and hugged her, lifting her off the floor until she giggled.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good. What about you old man?"

Dale chuckled and brushed her hair back from her face, staring into her eyes for a moment. His little girl was more grown up every time he saw her, but if he looked close enough, he could still see that giggling little thing that tried to walk as fast as him, would hold onto his belt loops when she got scared, and always managed to fall asleep in his lap so he would have to carry her to bed.

She hugged him a little tighter and was about to say something when Ben and Colton grabbed onto her legs.

"Hey mama is it dinner time yet?"

"I suppose it could be," she answered, crouching down to their level and hugging them both. It hadn't been that long since she'd seen them but she had missed them anyway. "Did you have fun with Faye this morning?"

"Yup, just like always. She maked us baked apples for a snack."

"Yeah," Ben interjected. "Baked apples an' chocolate."

"Really?"

"Yeah mama. She put the apples cut in half in the stove and then she put tiny candy bars on them and melted them good and they tasted like heaven."

"Like heaven, really?" she asked with a chuckle. They nodded together and she kissed them both, finding them absolutely irresistible.

"Yeah, can we have dinner now?"

"I'll go see if it's ready. Entertain your papa."

"Okay!"

She went into the kitchen and found Adam already taking the roast out of the crockpot.

"Stop right there, hottie."

He laughed and turned around, burying his nose in her hair when she hugged him.

"So what did Mac say?"

"I have a week of maternity left and then I would have to take a leave of absence. So I'm going back part time."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"No, but that's what I need to do. It'll be okay. Just like the other times, I have to find my rhythm."

"Okay. Just remember that if you ever want to change that, you can."

"You take such good care of me."

"I know. You deserve it."

She smiled and held onto him for a few moments while he whispered in her ear, words that no one else needed to know about. Locking her hands together behind his back, she stretched up and kissed his neck, letting her eyelashes flutter against his skin just because she knew what it did to him. The whispers stopped and he kissed her ear, then pulled back to look at her.

"It's going to be okay sweetie. I know you don't want to go back to work, but really, it will be fine."

"I know. I'm just going to try and enjoy the next week."

"Okay. We'll see how it goes and make adjustments from there if we need to."

"Thank you. I know it doesn't make it easy on you that I keep waffling on this."

"It's okay. I understand. And it's not hard sweetie. It's life and marriage and parenting and I signed up for all of it, alright?"

"Thank you for that. For being everything you promised and more."


	170. Chapter 170

The morning was cool and quiet when Adam woke up, stretching a little and trying not to disturb Lindsay. She sighed sleepily and moved closer to him, nuzzling into his chest and sliding her leg in between his. He smiled and kissed her forehead, running his fingers through her hair and getting all the tangles out. He watched her sleep for a few minutes, noticing how her eyebrows twitched from her dreams. He really wanted to stay there for a little while and just hold her but he knew he had to get up and get moving. Carefully he untangled from her, wrapping the blankets around her and kissing her back to sleep when she whined at his departure. Quietly he grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on over his boxers then walked over to check on Avery. She was happy to be back in their room, at least she seemed happy with the way she was blowing spit bubbles and waving her arms at him. Smiling, he leaned down and picked her up, listening as she burbled a story to him.

"Wanna go with me to start the coffee?"

She grinned and he kissed all over her face before taking her downstairs and starting a large pot of coffee. The only difference between having house guests and not was having to make a bathroom schedule and having to make an entire pot of coffee instead of just half. He didn't mind it though, Lindsay loved having her parents in town and the boys couldn't be more thrilled with extra attention.

"Think I should put some hot water on for mama's tea? Will that earn me some brownie points?"

She cooed at him but he could tell she was getting hungry too so he pulled a premade bottle out of the fridge and warmed it up in the saucepan they usually kept on the stove. He managed to get it warmed and into her mouth before she started fussing, then held her with one arm while his hand circled around to hold the bottle and he used his other hand to start breakfast. He could feel her staring at him and he looked down at her, popping his lips until she giggled. He was getting good at the one handed food preparation, one handed dressing the boys, pretty much everything that could possibly be done one handed. He didn't mind it, he loved holding Avery and he would rather have her snuggled in his arms than put her down to get something done faster.

"Good morning Superdad."

He turned around and found Anne standing in the doorway, one hand on her hip.

"Morning."

"Now, you can't really be this perfect," she said with a grin.

"What?"

"Making breakfast and taking care of the baby."

"Yeah, this is our thing. It's nice to have time just with her on days I have to work."

"Are you working a lot?"

"Depends on the day. When they don't need me out in the field I work a regular shift, but if I have to go to a scene it's more likely going to be a long shift."

"Lindsay hates that?"

"She's not a fan of it, but she understands. She's had to do it too. We've learned not to promise each other much on work days."

"She's really happy with you."

"I hope so, she's kind of stuck with me forever."

Anne smiled and stealthily moved him away from the stove so she could finish breakfast. He leaned against the sink and made faces at Avery while she ate, and she would give him smiles every few minutes.

"What do you think baby girl? Are your brothers going to get up early today or will they be slug-a-beds like your mama?"

She just giggled in response and soon he heard the pitter-patter of feet coming down the stairs.

"Hi daddy," Ben greeted, grabbing onto Adam's leg and yawning. "Smelled bre'fast."

"You did?"

"Mmm. Cole telled me get up."

"Yep I did. Granna, what are you makin' for breakfast?"

"Your daddy started pancakes, I'm just finishing up."

"Daddy makes good pancakes. Mama makes good waffles. And I am the best cereal maker in the whole house. Ben says so."

"Cole put enough milk on the Kix."

"And sugar, right Ben?"

"Yep. I like sugar."

Anne chuckled and shook her head, hearing so much Lindsay in that declaration she couldn't even believe it.

"So buddy did you decide who you want to go with you to grandparents day?"

"Well," Colton sighed, glancing at his grandma. "I was just thinkin' that when we had grandparents day the first time, Jo went with me. Even though she say she is not an old codger. But I think this time I will ask papa. And then next time granna can come and then after that maybe Mac will go with me and Jo will go with Isa. Is that okay, granna? You come next time?"

"That's fine with me. Papa never really got to go to grandparents day with your cousins because he always had to work."

"Oh good, it's fair. Ben, who will you take with you when you are in kindergarten?"

"Granna, Papa, Mac and Jo-Jo."

"You can't take four."

"And other grampa gramma too."

"That's six!"

Ben shrugged and took an apple out of the fruit bowl and pulled the stem off, then did it with the other three in the bowl.

"Where is mama?" he asked with a sigh.

"She's still sleeping. She was up with you last night because you had a bad dream, remember?"

"Nope. I am not scared no more."

"We heard him screaming," Anne said softly. "We were going to go in there but then we heard Lindsay come downstairs. He was really worked up."

"We think it's just a phase. The doctor says that night terrors are common for kids his age. He doesn't remember them though."

"I don't remember if Lindsay ever… I mean, I don't even know if she ever had them."

"She does now. Not very often, but she gets them."

"I've never had them. Is it scary?"

"Yeah."

They didn't say more on the subject as Dale came into the room, the latest he had slept in probably in his whole life. He wasn't used to jet lag.

"Papa, you're comin' to school with me, okay? You can sit by my desk and you will get to meet Isa. She is my best friend. Also she is my girlfriend but I can't take her on a date yet because Danny said 'No way Jose.' Also I only have five bucks."

"Yeah, five bucks won't get you far."

"I told her we could share ice-cream and she said that I need to take her to the movies too, so I need to work on losin' some more teeth."

"Colton Ross," Lindsay admonished from the doorway. "Do you really think you're going to pull all your teeth out for Isa?"

"No mama, you don't understand. I will get all my money from my teeth but I will be patient. I have my whole life to take Isa on a date. Plus I got to figure out how to make her wear a dress. That will take a while."

Lindsay snorted and shook her head, mentally writing that one down to tell Austin.

"Hey Ben, are you going to meet a girlfriend soon?"

"No. Girls icky."

"Are you sure?"

"Yup."

"Colton, why are you so concerned with everyone getting a girlfriend?"

"Because," he sighed. "You and mama always say how happy you are to love each other and I think that everybody should be happy like that. But without all the kissin', for real."

"Yeah, no kissin'," Ben agreed, wrinkling his nose.

"Wait ten years, you'll change your tune."

"Kissin' makes babies and I can't have any of those until after I am a doctor," Colton said, as if they were children. "Then I would have to change diapers and I would have no time to learn to use a stethoscope."

"Don't argue with him, Adam. In fact, let's keep reminding him of this later in life, right?"

"Yeah, that might be a good idea."

"Papa, are you so totally stoked to come to school with me?"

"I don't know what that means, but I think I am."

"I bet it's been a hundred years since you was a little boy in kindergarten."

"Well not a hundred years, but quite a few. What time do we leave?"

"Right after I eat breakfast and go potty and put my clothes on. Also I have to give the baby Aves a hug when I leave so she doesn't cry. Then we will go to the school."

"Okay, I can be ready by then. Do we get to have recess?"

"Yep! Me and Isa like the tireswing the best. Sometimes we play sharks with Oliver and Samantha."

"That sounds like fun."

"It is so fun, papa. I love kindergarten. I am worried that first grade will not be as much fun."

"I'm sure it will. You'll probably get two recesses a day in first grade."

"Two? That is super sweet!"

* * *

"Sweetheart do you need my help with anything?"

"No mom, this is your vacation," Lindsay said as she tried to dry the dog off from his romp in the mud puddles. Ben was covered with mud from head to toe but at least he was standing still. Qwerty wanted to jump all over everything and it took her several minutes to get him into the utility tub by the back door.

"Okay, I take that back. Can you go give Ben a bath?"

Anne chuckled and looked down at her grandson, who looked back up at her with innocent eyes.

"Did you have fun out there?" she asked, peeling off his rain coat and helping him to step out of his books.

"Yep. Don't wanna get floor messy."

"You won't. It was mostly on your coat anyway. Come on, I'll run you a bubble bath."

"Okay. Thank you letting me jump in puddles, mama."

"You're welcome baby," Lindsay replied, leaning down to kiss him. "Go take a bath."

He grinned and followed his grandma upstairs while Lindsay looked down at the muddy dog. He had not been given permission to play in the puddle and apparently when she hollered "Qwerty, no!" he'd taken that to mean "Run away from me and roll in the barkdust!"

He sat patiently in the sink now, giving her a smile as she tried to wash him off and keep herself clean in the process.

"I swear, you're like one of the kids," she grumped, pouring some shampoo on him and scrubbing as hard as she could. "Blah, blah, blah Ginger."

It took almost a half an hour but she finally got all the mud out of his fur and towel dried him. She left him in the utility room so he could stop smelling like a wet dog, and went upstairs to change. She peeked in on Avery who was sleeping soundly in her crib before going into her room and throwing on some different clothes. By the time she made it back down stairs Ben was running around naked while his grandma chased him down to dress him.

"Benjamin, what are the rules?"

"Gotta wear underwear," he sighed, putting on the offending material. "I like bein' free."

"I know you do, but you were free in the tub and now you need to have underwear on."

"Daddy lets us be free when you're not home."

"Yeah, well you're boys so you don't mind but us girls don't want to see that."

"Okay. Gotta wear the rest of the clothes?"

"We'll compromise, just keep your underwear on."

"Okay!"

He went back into his room and started to play while Lindsay rolled her eyes.

"Is that a normal boy thing?"

"Your brothers did it too. Boys are just weird."

Lindsay sighed as Avery started to cry, waking up from her short morning nap.

"Oh sweetie, you've got to learn to sleep longer," Lindsay said, lifting her out of the crib and kissing her. "Either that or eat until you're full instead of until you get bored."

She sat down in the rocking chair and noticed that her mom was silently standing in the doorway, wringing her hands.

"Mom? Are you okay?"

"We need to talk, honey."

Lindsay looked at her confusedly, never having seen this look on her face before. She sat down on the bed and pulled a pillow into her lap, studying the stitching on it and taking a breath before she spoke.

"Sweetheart. I have cancer."

Lindsay stopped rocking the chair, stopped breathing, stopped even seeing anything but her mother sitting just a few feet opposite her but seemingly light years away. She cleared her throat and shook her head, certain she had heard wrong, yet knowing she hadn't.

"I didn't mean to drop it on you like that. I'm not that sick, sweetie. They caught it early. I got really lucky."

"Mom…" she managed to get out, willing herself not to cry.

"Do you want me to start at the beginning?"

"Yeah."

"I thought it was hormones. Some weird post-menopausal thing. But I just didn't really believe it, something felt off. I went to the doctor and they ran so many tests, but nothing they came up with seemed right. It was on a whim that they tested for cancer. Ovarian cancer. It's not very advanced, sweetie. It hasn't spread yet and I'll be going in for surgery soon after we get back to town. It's going to be just fine honey."

"But mom," Lindsay whispered, almost finding her voice. "It's cancer."

"I know, Lindsay. I'm really scared too, but I can't dwell on that. I don't know what's going to happen to me, but I do know what I can do, and that is to spend as much time with my family as I can."

"How long have you known?"

"A little while. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away but I needed to say it in person. I needed you to see me and see that I'm alright."

"So the plan is surgery. What about after that?"

"I'm not sure yet. The doctor wants to do the surgery and we'll see how that goes and decide from there."

"Are they taking everything?" she asked quietly.

"Yes. Just to be safe. I know it's scary sweetheart. I really do. But I'm going to be fine."

Lindsay sat silently for a long time, rocking the chair back and forth while Avery ate, oblivious to what was going on around her. Beyond the fright, Lindsay was feeling a deep guilt for all the times she'd blamed her mother for her own struggles, blamed her for the things she couldn't control. She felt guilty about the deep resentment she'd always felt, even if it had been shoved away and ignored. She felt guilty about not including her mother in everything, for pushing her away and telling herself she didn't need that.

"Honey, look at me," Anne said, moving from the bed to kneel next to the chair. "It's going to be okay."

"But what if it's not?"

Anne shook her head and ran her hand over Lindsay's cheek.

"That's not an option and we don't worry about it. Do you understand me?"

"Yes mama."

"I don't want you to worry, baby. I know it sounds bad. I know it looks bad and I know you're not going to sleep very well thinking about it. But please sweetheart, I need you to be hopeful for me. Especially you sweetie. I need you to be my sunshine, just like you've always been. I need you there to smile for me when I can't anymore. Can you do that for me?"

Lindsay bit back the tears and looked down at her own daughter, understanding now, just a little bit what her mom was needing from her, probably what she'd always needed.

"I can. I will."

"Thank you sweetheart."

* * *

"Lindsay."

She sniffled and kept her eyes closed as Adam wrapped his arms more tightly around her. Leaning back into him she took a deep breath and tried to figure out what she was feeling so she could figure out what she needed to say. Adam kissed the top of her head and took her hand, playing with her fingers while they breathed together, knowing it would calm her down.

"Talk to me honey," he whispered, running his lips gently over her shoulder. "Tell me."

"I don't know what to say. I'm scared. I've never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know how to handle it. She needs me to be there for her and to be strong and happy and I don't know how to do that. Especially for her. And there's that guilt because I don't feel like I even want to do that for her. Because as much as I love her, I am still so mad at her for what happened so many years ago. For feeling betrayed by her and abandoned and all that comes with that. And I know it's not as bad as what it could have been. I was lucky. But it still hurts when I think about that. And then I feel guilty because it shouldn't be that way."

"Honey, just because your mom is sick, that doesn't mean that the mistakes she made hurt you less. It doesn't mean that the resentment is suddenly gone. And if you act like it is, that's not being honest, is it?"

"No. I just don't think I ever forgave her. Even when I was older and understood it more, I still didn't forgive her. I should have though. I really should have."

"Sweetie, you can still do that."

"I know."

"The hurt doesn't go away, but you can forgive her. It still hurts that my mom didn't get way from my father a lot sooner, but that doesn't mean I don't forgive her."

"I know. I think I just have to accept the fact that it's going to take time to get there. I've ignored it for so long that I'm not really sure what to do with it all."

"Take your time, Linds. She'll understand. You'll work through it together. And I'll be there for you too. I can help."

"Thank you."

"No matter what happens babe, we'll get through it. I'll always love you no matter what. And really honey, it's going to be okay."

"I don't know how much more life I can take."

"Don't talk like that."

"I didn't mean it that way. I just don't know what I'm going to have to cut out to deal with all the rest. There's nothing I can let go of right now except myself and as we both know, that doesn't ever go well."

"You've got enough strength in you, love. I know you do, I've seen it time and time again. I think you don't see that in yourself, but it's time to start because your mom needs you to be strong right now."

"I can be strong for her. But I'll need you to be strong for me."

He wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her cheek.

"Strong enough?"

"Always."


	171. Chapter 171

_Through several panes of glass and through two different rooms, he watched her. It would have been stalking, but he knew that if he was caught she would be amused. He watched the way her hands move as she talked, then went to her hips so her thumbs could hook through her beltloops as she listened. She shifted her weight to one leg while rolling onto the other heel. She was wearing boots today, and for some reason that made him smile. _

_Her hair had lost most of its curl in the last few hours and it was laying almost limp against her back. He could tell from the way that she stood at the machine that she was tired and getting close to grumpy, even though she was still grinning. He wanted to sneak over there and give her a hug or rub her shoulders or something, but he knew he wasn't allowed. Sure, he'd broke through her bubble a few times, she now allowed him hugs goodnight and occasionally rested her head on his shoulder while they watched TV. He'd even grabbed her hand last night as they crossed the street, more out of reflex than anything. She hadn't protested and they'd let go once they reached the other side, but he could safely say that no other hand had ever felt so perfect in his. _

_She knew he had a crush on her and she was nice about it, keeping distance but not shutting him out either. He didn't know what she was thinking but he was happy with the rhythm they'd struck, and he could be for a long time. He felt very lucky to even get to hang in her world, much less be her best friend and the only one in this place she confided in. He knew a part of her that no one else did. _

_His phone buzzed and he picked it up, finding a text from her and assuming it was "I'm hungry, want to go get me food?"_

_He was wrong, however, and was met with a "Quit starin' at me, Mooney Eyes."_

_Chuckling he shot back "You are so vain, Monroe. I bet you think this song is about you. And don't you dare make fun of my singing voice." He sent the text and kept watching her, making it into a game now. He could tell from her posture that she was writing something back with enough wit that he would be saving it to his phone, but she was interrupted halfway through with another bag of evidence from Danny, which she took with a grimace. _

_There had been some flirting between the two, but it had died down and now they were just partners, friends, with about zero interest in each other in that way. While Adam felt lucky to not have the competition, he also wondered why every man in the world wasn't falling to their knees, begging Lindsay to give him even half a shot. To him, she was the absolute perfect woman. _

_His phone buzzed again and he tried not to grab it too fast, in case someone saw his desperation and called him on it. _

"_I would never make fun of your singing voice. Maybe your falsetto voice, but never your singing one," she wrote. "I think you should buy me dinner tonight and I'll make you an ice-cream sundae. Fair deal?"_

"_Three cherries on top and it's fair."_

"_I'll pick a movie."_

"_We're a bunch of agoraphobics."_

"_Hey if we were stuck together inside for the rest of our lives I don't think we would get bored."_

"_I'm raising my eyebrow suggestively."_

"_Oh brother."_

_She turned and looked at him and he caught her eye, giving her a little wink. She smiled and winked back._

Nine years later and he was watching her again except this time she wasn't that far away and she was pacing. Back and forth across the waiting room, her hands in her back pockets or running through her hair. He wanted to reach out and touch her, calm her a little but she needed to get the anxiety out.

Her mom was seeing a doctor at the Mayo clinic, just for a second opinion and wanted them to go with her. It was probably a good idea for Lindsay to hear the facts from the doctor, as she'd spent the last two days biting her nails down and nervously twisting her hair into knots. He'd tried to calm her anxious nerves, used every trick he knew, but even when she was faking it, he could tell that she was still sick with worry. He'd held her all through the night, wishing she would just take a deep breath and put it out of her mind for a few hours so she could sleep, but she just laid there, stiff as a board, and no amount of gentle words and soft touches could make her feel better.

Dale was watching her too, quite possibly more worried about his little girl than he was about his wife. He'd never seen her quite like this, so emotionally frantic. He needed to get up and assure her it was going to be alright, but he wasn't so sure himself.

"Lindsay? Sweetheart, come sit down."

She gave him a look, one that included a wrinkle in her brow and a biting of her lip. Adam held his hand out to her and she took it, sitting down next to him and leaning into his side. He said something to her and she nodded, giving him the slightest smile before he kissed her forehead. Dale watched with a grin, loving the sight of his daughter so happy and loved and taken care of. He couldn't have picked a better man than Adam, and he had never really said how grateful he was that his baby girl was in good hands. He could see the way they loved each other, even in this dark time it was shining straight out of them both.

The three of them sat silently for a long time all lost in their own thoughts until Anne came back into the room. She was smiling when she entered, and Dale got up to join her at the door.

"What did the doctor say?"

"That we're on the right track. Surgery is the best option, and she's confident that with that and frequent check ups, there shouldn't be any more surprises. And other than this she says I'm healthy."

"Are you sure?" Lindsay asked shakily, biting at her thumbnail.

"I'm sure, sweetie. I wouldn't lie to you. It's never going to be gone completely but, it's manageable. I'm still going to be around."

They all sat down and discussed the specifics for a while longer, Lindsay feeling better now that there was more opinion and a backed up plan. They headed home after a while, having promised the boys a day at the park. Adam could tell that the weight of worry was lifted from Lindsay's shoulders a lot, but he could still see the emotions of guilt and hurt in her eyes. It had been so prevalent these last few days, and it was almost the same as when she was depressed. He knew it would be fine because at least this time there was something to go on, there was a reason for it and something she could tangibly hold onto to bring her out of those emotions. This wasn't a random thing for no reason.

* * *

The boys were bouncing off the walls, having spent the last few hours with Jo, who usually spoiled them rotten enough anyway, but had let them have rootbeer floats today. She left the house after a few rounds of hugs and "Love you Jo-Jo's" and questions about when they could see her next.

"Hey Linds," Adam said softly, gesturing for her to follow him into the kitchen. "I had a thought."

"What's that?"

"What if your dad and I take the boys to the park and you and your mom can have some time?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"I know what you're saying but I don't think I'm ready for that yet."

"Well you need to get ready because they're going home tomorrow and you and I both know that if you don't talk about it now, you're never going to."

She knew he was right and she nodded while he squeezed her hand.

"It's not going to be easy baby, but I think you need to do it. I really think you do. There's a lot of hurt in you that you've been ignoring since you were a little girl. There's stuff there that scares you because you don't want to hurt our kids the same way. And it's not good for you to be scared like that. You need to do this, Lindsay. For you and for her and for all of us."

"Okay."

He pulled her into a tight hug and held her that way for a while.

"Dearlin' you know that I will always love you, no matter what, right?"

"I know. I love you too."

"You're going to be alright?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Soon, all the boys were headed out of the house, leaving Lindsay and Anne on the couch with Avery who was ready to fall asleep.

"You want to talk."

Lindsay nodded and looked down at Avery, drawing some strength from the little smile and bright eyes.

"I think there's some things we need to get out in the open. At least things I need to talk about."

"I thought there might be. Go ahead honey."

Lindsay took a deep breath, knowing she was going to have to delve into things she'd never talked about before, not even to Adam. She'd told him the facts of things that had happened, but they'd never really discussed how she felt about it. Not that he hadn't guessed, but she'd never had the strength to say it outright.

"I don't want to resent you anymore, mom. I don't want to be mad like I was when I was five. I want to be able to forgive you, but I can't do that if I don't know why it happened. I need to know why you walked out of my life for so long. I need to know why you never fought for me. I need to know what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Lindsay Joy. And I know it isn't an excuse, but I think that I wasn't ready to have kids. I got married at seventeen, Jake was born a year later and by the time I was thirty, I'd had three more kids. I tried so hard, Lindsay and you kids didn't make it difficult for me or anything. I just couldn't get myself together. And then I had the miscarriage and… I think I lost it, sweetie. And it wasn't that I wanted to get away from you. I don't know what it was. I just had to get out."

"You didn't call or write or anything. An entire year, we didn't know where you were. You left us without a mother, you left dad without a wife and you took away any feelings of security I had back then. I never got those back, not when you came home, not years later. I didn't trust anyone or feel safe with anyone until I met Adam. And even then, as much as I know he's never going to leave me, sometimes I still worry about it. I know it wasn't my fault, but at four and five years old, I thought it was. Those feelings are still there. And that's not fair to me to feel like that all the time. It's not fair to Adam for me to always be questioning whether he loves me or not."

"I know."

"I am so mad at you, mom. I always have been. Even when you came home, I didn't want to have anything to do with you, but I did it because dad asked. I did it to make him happy but by the time you came back I wanted you to stay gone. I don't want to be that mad anymore, mom. I've tried so much, but I just can't forgive you for it. I can't."

Anne sniffled, her head bowed in shame. She'd always tried to ignore how the kids felt about her leaving and just start fresh when she got back. She knew it wasn't the best way to deal with it, but she had been so emotionally battered at the time, she didn't know what else to do. She had a weight of guilt upon her about it, but as time went on and the kids warmed back up to her, things slipped into a normal rhythm, she assumed it was okay. Apparently she was very wrong.

"I need to figure out how to forgive you, mom. I can't imagine what it would be like if I made a mistake and Avery held resentment against me for so long. I need to do better including you in my life because there is so much I don't tell you about. You're never the first person I call for anything. If I need some support or advice or just to talk, I go to Austin or Jo. I don't ever think about calling you for anything. I don't want it to be like that anymore. I want my mom back. I want it to be like it would have been without what happened. I want us both to be happy with our relationship. And I can't just do that on my own. We have to do it together."

"Sweetie, I know you probably don't want this right now, but I really need to hug you for a minute."

Lindsay was hesitant but nodded, letting herself be held for a moment. She couldn't help the stiffness in her body, couldn't make herself return the hug, and really just wanted to pick Avery up off the couch and go cuddle her on the other side of the room instead.

Anne sighed, slightly aggravated that her daughter couldn't manage a simple hug. She knew that part of it was her fault, but it still hurt, and she couldn't keep that hurt from evolving into anger.

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm trying. I just can't do it."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm mad at you!" she said, jumping up from the couch. "Because you hurt me more than anyone else has ever hurt me in my life. You were supposed to be there for me all the time. You were supposed to protect me and love me and you didn't."

"I did love you, Lindsay."

"No you didn't! Love means never walking away from someone, no matter what. But you did walk away. You didn't say goodbye or promise to be back. You were just gone. Love doesn't do that. Ever. So I have a hard time believing you ever loved me, mom, not the way that you were supposed to. Do you know what it was like? Do you understand how it felt to wake up every morning and know that I didn't have a mother? No one was going to braid my hair or have breakfast with me or teach me how to cook or any of that. The boys went to school, dad went to work and as much as uncle Freddy tried, he wasn't a mother. He wasn't you. You were what I needed and I wasn't enough to keep you around. And don't tell me that you just couldn't handle it, mom. Don't spin that, because I've been there before. I've wanted to run so far away, and I thought it would be better for everyone. But I didn't do it because I love my kids way too much. I would miss them and I could never survive without them. And you know what? They got me through it. It was better for them to have half a mom for a little while than to have no mom at all."

She was seething now, all the anger that had been locked up inside since she was a little girl came spilling out and she couldn't even stop to censor it.

"Then you came back and you expected to be mommy again. You thought that we would love you and trust you right away. And I really tried. Believe me, I tried as hard as I could. I wanted to be your little girl, but I knew you could flit in and out of my life whenever you wanted. I tried to love you and I would wait until I was alone to hate you. Do you know how hard that is for a kid? I didn't know what to think, mom! I finally started to trust you again and you let me down. You didn't get me help when I needed it. I know we talked about this years ago, but that still hurts. It still hurts really bad that I still wasn't enough. After what happened to the girls you should have been there for me. You should have saved me from myself, but you threw me in the deep end and let me swim. I drowned, mom. I drowned and I had to figure out how to save myself. A mother is supposed to be a champion for her kids, but you were just sitting there, occasionally glancing over for the sake of keeping up appearances, but you weren't in tune. It's like you didn't want me to make it. You didn't want me to survive. And I so desperately needed love that I just accepted that. I moved on. I ignored all the hurt and I let myself love you and trust you again. By the time I moved here we were so close that I missed you every day. I thought that I had finally gotten over it. I thought I understood why things had happened the way they did. I thought it was okay, that we were okay, that things were finally how they should be."

"Lindsay."

"And then Colton was born. And I looked down at him and I loved him so much, and I couldn't understand you anymore. I knew I could never do to him what you did to me. I would do anything to make sure he was happy and safe. I would die for him a million times over. But you… you didn't even want to look at me when I was hurting. So I have a hard time believing that you loved me. Not the way you should have, and not the way I needed."

Anne sat there rigidly, tears streaming down her face as it became apparent to her just how much her actions had hurt. She had been trying to protect herself from emotions she didn't understand, and in the process she had hurt her children beyond belief.

"Despite all that, and even more than the anger, I still love you. I want to forgive you. It's going to be really hard to do that, but I have to because I can't live like that anymore. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking it's normal or okay. I don't want you to hurt because I'm mad at you. I don't want you to think that you never did anything right. Because you did. You did a lot of things right. I need to try and remember all those things. It's going to be hard mom, but I'm doing it because I love you. I really do."

"How? After all that."

"Because you're my mom. Because no matter what happened back then, I know you love me now. And I can't not love you, mom. I can't."

* * *

By the time the boys returned they had stopped the tears and the high emotions, and were sitting on the couch watching an old movie and eating popcorn. Avery was stretched across their laps, sleeping with one arm over her head, drooling out the side of her mouth.

"Hey, popcorn!" Colton exclaimed, rushing over and grabbing a handful.

"Usually you come home and run for me, not popcorn."

"You don't got butter on you, mama."

"Well I'm glad."

Ben glanced at the popcorn, then down at Avery, giggling before he kissed her.

"Lookit how sissy cheeks is fat," he said, pinching them gently. "Sumo wrestler."

"The baby Aves got big cheeks, Ben got a big head and I am just normal," Colton declared, eating another handful of popcorn.

"You're gonna get a big belly if you keep eating like that."

"Nu-uh. I have lots of energy to burn off and that is why when I am in bed at night I kick my legs all in the air."

"Cole, you do that 'cuz you weird."

"Maybe but people will 'member me always."

"Mama'n Austin say that when theys weird."

"Yup."

Lindsay chuckled as they climbed onto the couch with her.

"Hey mama, that's Audrey Hepburn, right? She's 'Liza Doolittle?"

"Yeah, it is."

"And that's 'Enry 'Iggins, huh?"

"Yep," Lindsay chuckled. "I think maybe we watch too many movies together."

"Don't tell me we're not gonna watch our movies anymore! That's my best part of the day!"

"We won't quit watching movies," she assured. "Maybe not every day though."

He nodded and reached over Ben to grab some more popcorn.

"I like when the movies got no color," he said. "It feels like I am in another world, mama."

"I not 'joyin' this," Ben remarked, sliding off the couch. "Gonna play 'stairs."

"You have some opinionated children honey," Anne noted with a grin.

"They make me aware of that daily."

"Hey granna?"

"Yeah?"

"You really gotta leave tomorrow?"

"Yeah, we do."

"I don't agree with that. I think you should wait longer."

"Oh really?"

"Yup. Until at least summer so we can go to the zoo in the Bronx."

"Maybe next time."

He nodded and snuggled himself into Lindsay's side, wrapping one arm around her middle. She ran her fingers through his long hair, glad they had let him grow it out. It was in need of a trim but she liked it long like this.

"Where's daddy and papa?"

"They're outside lookin' at the leakin' porch roof."

"Is papa telling daddy how to fix it?"

"Yup. 'Cept daddy thinked he already knowed and papa telled him a way to do it on the cheap."

"Oh, I see. Daddy likes cheap."

"Are you cheap, mama?"

Lindsay and Anne snorted with laughter while he looked at them confusion all over his face.

"What did I say? Somethin' funny? Or somethin' stupid and you're laughing at me? Come on, stop laughing! Fine, I'm gonna go be on Skype for a while until you two settle down."

"Don't talk to anyone you don't know," Lindsay reminded him as he went into the other room.

"I'm just gonna talk to a Messer. I don't even care who, they don't laugh at me."

"Hey, we're not laughing at you."

He peeked back around the corner and glared at her.

"Don't you dare try to pull a fast one on me, mama. I am way too smarty for that."

"He sounds exactly like you."

"I know, I'm terrified."

* * *

"Adam, this isn't the way home," Lindsay said, confused as to where he was taking them. They had just dropped her parents off at the airport and she assumed they were going home, but he seemed to have other ideas. He was heading east towards the ocean instead of west towards home and he just reached over and took her hand.

"Remember when we were first dating?" he asked with a wink. "Taking drives when we couldn't sleep."

"Stealing kisses at stoplights."

"No wonder we fell in love."

She smiled and he brushed his lips over her knuckles.

"I just thought you might need that again."

"Thanks, Adam."

He reached over and turned up the music, loud enough that she could get lost in it, but quiet enough that it didn't bother the kids in the backseat. She propped her feet against the dashboard and closed her eyes, sighing deeply and letting the music take her back to that carefree time when everything was happy and nothing could touch them. Every touch had been thrilling, every shared smile sent an electric current of excitement through her. Every time their eyes met she'd been overcome with the desire to lose herself in his embrace, forgetting everything else. Every time he held her in his arms their future had flashed before her eyes and she never wanted to let go.

She realized that none of that had changed even now, so many years later. The touches, the smiles, the eye contact, being wrapped up in each other, it all still evoked the same emotions, possibly even stronger than they had been before. Maybe the struggles had only added to their bond, and now that she knew how good life was and could be, it made it all more exciting than it had been when it was unknown.

She opened her eyes and squeezed his hand, smiling when he looked over at her.

"I love you."

"I love you too sweetie. And when we get home?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to cuddle you so hard."

She giggled and raked her hair out of her face before he quickly pulled her in for a kiss.

"Adam!"

"Stoplight."

She laughed and shook her head, examining their clasped hands. The only hand she would want to hold for the rest of her life.


	172. Chapter 172

"Well Ben, what do you think we should do today? Your choice."

Ben tapped his chin and looked up at the ceiling as he thought. Lindsay was at work, Colton was at school, and Avery was taking a nap. Ben couldn't remember a time when he'd had his daddy all to himself and the idea of it was pretty exciting.

"Daddy, we build a Vulcan?"

"A Vulcan? Like Spock? I've told you boys, this is a _Star Wars_ house!"

"A Vulcan," he said again. "Lava."

"Oh a volcano! Yeah, let's see if we've got enough stuff to build a volcano. I think I've got some leftover chicken wire from fixing the fence. Sit tight, I'll go in the backyard and see."

Ben nodded and grabbed onto the chair holding onto it while Adam went into the backyard. It felt like hours that he was gone, but Ben stayed where he was, obedient to the end.

"Buddy, what are you doing?"

"I sitting tight, daddy," he replied his body tensed up.

"No, that just means stay where you're at. You can stop sitting tight now."

"Phew. That hard."

"Yeah, I can see how it would be. Look, I found chicken wire. I think there's some cardboard in the basement that we can use to make a volcano. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll find what we need."

Ben nodded and hopped off the chair, making his way into his bedroom. Finding a pair of jeans was easy enough, and he slid them on before searching the drawers for something else. The bedroom really was a mess and he knew they would be in trouble if mama or daddy walked in. Quickly he shoved all the mess under the beds, then found himself a t-shirt and a clip on tie, along with two socks, which didn't match, but got the job done. He put the "Geek In Training" t-shirt on, then clipped the tie to it before sliding his feet into the socks. He went into the bathroom to look himself up and down in the mirror, then tiptoed into Avery's room to check on her. She was sleeping quietly, and he reached his hand through the bars of the crib to stroke her hand. He liked watching her when she slept, it made him feel very grown up and responsible, like she was his to take care of, even just for a moment. He liked how soft her skin was and how round her cheeks were and he liked when she would sit in his lap for a few minutes, instead of squirming to get away. He liked how she smelled after her bath and how her laugh reminded him of mama. Most of all he liked that she was the little sister and he was a big brother and he could teach her everything he knew.

After a few minutes he went back downstairs, finding Adam in the kitchen, wrapping chicken wire around some cardboard.

"Looks like mountain," he observed, climbing up onto the stool.

"That's the idea. Why are you wearing a tie?"

"I finded it."

"Oh, I see. Can you go into the other room and get the newspaper off the coffee table?"

"Sure daddy."

He hopped off the stool and returned a few moments later, newspaper in hand and a smile on his face.

"What this for?"

"Well if we're going to do a volcano, we have to do it right. Once I make the volcano shape I'll attach it to this piece of wood. Then I'm going to fix the inside so that we can get a really good explosion. After that we'll cut strips of newspaper and glue them onto the outside with water and flour. I'll turn some fans on it and let it dry. After Colton gets home we'll paint it and then after dinner we can explode it."

"It take long time."

"Yeah it does, but it will be worth it. You'll see. We'll have to take it outside because it's going to be pretty messy."

"Mama will see?"

"She might still be at work by the time it's ready, but we can try to wait for her."

"Okay."

They worked quietly for a while, Adam using an old two liter soda bottle as a reservoir for the eruption material. Ben didn't say much, just sat and watched, marveling at how fast the volcano took shape. Before he knew it, they were making glue out of water and flour and were covering the volcano in strips of wet newspaper. He didn't like getting messy, but this was fun so he didn't mind being a little uncomfortable.

"Hey daddy?"

"Yeah Ben Ry?"

"You do this with Cole?"

"Nah, Colton and I never made a volcano. We made pirates booty once though."

"How you done that?"

"I can't tell you. It's a pirate secret. Arrr!"

Ben giggled and shook his head.

"Daddy you a freak a' nature."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Mama."

"Figures. Do you want to do a second coat of newspaper?"

"Yeah. How the volcano 'splode?"

"We're going to use vinegar and baking soda and dish soap."

"No. The real volcano."

"Oh. Well… that's quite an involved process. It's like the earth is burping."

"Sissy burps loud. She a volcano, huh daddy?"

"I guess in that context, yeah. Are you going to be a scientist when you grow up? Like daddy?"

"Nah. I jus' like 'splosions."

"So what do you want to do when you grow up?"

He gave a half shrug.

"I jus' make peoples happy. Cole make peoples better. Dunner gonna be a superhero. Sarah like to dance. Isa… she be a big boss lady. She tell people no."

"So you think maybe she'll work for an HMO? Or be the president?"

"Yup, Isa be president."

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"Probably not far off buddy."

"Sissy's cryin'," he commented, just before Avery's fussing came over the baby monitor.

"How did you know?"

He shrugged and Adam rinsed his hands off in the sink.

"I'll go get her. Can you work on this by yourself for a few minutes?"

"Yep."

He nodded convincingly and Adam went upstairs, finding Avery just on the verge of red faced and screaming. He picked her up and ran his finger down her nose, smiling when she scrunched it up.

"Hey Tink. Are you supposed to be awake now?"

She sniffled and stretched and he kissed her cheeks before taking her downstairs.

"Hi sissy," Ben greeted, giving her a little wave.

"Does mama give her a bottle in the morning?"

"Nah, she jus' wanna be holded now."

"Oh, okay. Wow, you covered that volcano pretty good."

"Done my best. Time for Cole?"

"We've got a little while before we leave. Want to play chess?"

"Yeah. I wash my hands. I the white team."

Adam chuckled and went into the other room, taking the game out of the cupboard it was stored in. Colton had started playing chess when he was about Ben's age, but he didn't really like it. Ben was just starting to learn all the rules and had already legitimately beat Colton once. He was no Bobby Fischer, but he could hold his own. His mind operated that way, even if it did take him a minute or two before deciding on a move.

They sat down on the floor around the coffee table and Avery fussed until Adam found her a pacifier. Ben set up the game board carefully, making sure all the pieces were exactly in the middle of the squares. Occasionally Adam would worry about these little perfections Ben seemed to need. He didn't like his food to touch and he would only eat one thing at a time. He had to have his blue blanket on his bed before he could go to sleep, even if it was too hot for an extra blanket. He got irritated when there were smudges on his glasses, and he didn't like more than one ice-cube in his drink at dinner time. He liked the same schedule every day, especially at night, and if he wasn't warned before it was changed he couldn't fall asleep. He never melted down when these things went wrong, he would simply fix them or ask someone else to help him. Adam wondered if it was OCD or if Ben was just a peculiar, particular child.

"Okay daddy. We play."

They moved their pieces quietly for a while, concentrating on the game and not really thinking about anything else.

"Hey, what's that?"

"Check, daddy!" Ben giggled, pushing his glasses up and crossing his arms. "What gonna do when a'come for you?"

"You think I'm a bad boy?"

"What gonna do, daddy?"

"I don't know buddy, you worked me into a tight place here."

Ben sat patiently while Adam figured out his next move, sacrificing a rook, albeit reluctantly. Ben grinned with pride and made his next move, one that Adam was almost certain he'd been planning for the last few rounds.

"Bud, you're getting really good at this. Better than me even."

"Like chess," he said with a shrug. "Fun."

"You just like to beat daddy at something."

"Yep! Checkmate daddy! I wonned!"

"Holy cow."

Ben leaned back against the couch and grinned. It had been a short game, and either Adam was just not into it, or Ben was a lot better at chess than he'd previously let on.

"I wonned. You clean up. I hold sissy."

"Alright. Climb up on the couch and you can hold her."

Ben obeyed, sitting in the corner of the couch and holding his arms out for his sister. She settled into him with a quiet babble and he kissed her round cheek.

"Love sissy. Orange hair."

Adam snickered as he cleaned up the game and watched the kids. The bond between siblings always amazed him. He'd never experienced it from such a young age, and as much as he loved Hannah, he knew they didn't have the same bond that Colton, Ben and Avery had. The boys were so protective of their sister and loved her so much and he knew the three of them would grow to be the best of friends.

"Alright, lets go get your brother."

"You gonna sling sissy?" he asked, pointing to the fabric sling they used to carry the baby when they went on walks.

"Yeah. Go get yourself a jacket."

He nodded and found his jean jacket while Adam bundled Avery up and got her settled against him in the sling. Ben held his hand as they left the house, walking the few blocks to the school.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah bud?"

"I get big, go school?"

"Yeah, when you get big you'll go to school too. You and Junior will go at the same time. Is that a good idea?"

"Yup. Dunner my bes' friend."

"I know."

"Sissy go school me too?"

"Nah, Avery's got to wait a long time before she gets to go to school. You'll be in third grade and Colton will be in sixth grade when she goes."

"Yeah?"

"I think so. Want to wait for Colton out here or go inside?"

"Inside! We take Isa home?"

"No, not today. Danny's probably already in there waiting for her."

They climbed the steps and went inside, sitting down on the bench outside the classroom. There were paintings and other art projects on the wall and Ben inspected them closely, wishing that he could make art projects someday very soon. He was halfway down the hall when the bell rang, and he dashed back to Adam, not wanting to get trampled by the big kids like he had once before.

A line of kindergarteners filed out of the classroom, headed for the playground where most parents did pick up. Adam didn't really like that part, it would be too easy for someone to just snatch up a kid. That's why he always waited inside.

"Hi daddy!" Colton greeted, struggling to get his backpack on. "Isa comin' home with us?"

"Not today, I think Danny's just running a little late."

"I bet daddy tripped and falled down!" Isa giggled. "That's why he's late."

"You are so strange, Princess," Adam chuckled, pulling her in for a hug. She accepted it then patted Avery's head.

"Did you guys have fun at school today?"

"Yep!" they chorused with vigorous nods.

"Know what? We get to do show and tell tomorrow! I don't know what to bring. Isa's gonna bring somethin' cooler than I will."

"I know! Cole, you bring our 'cano!"

"What?"

"Gots lava!"

"You maked a volcano?" Colton deduced excitedly.

"Uh-huh. We 'splode it nighttime."

"Awesome!"

Isa crossed her arms over her chest.

"You're cooler than me, Colt, you bring a volcano and I just bring a dumb old guitar!"

"Hey now wait a minute," Adam started, drawing Isa closer. "You're learning to play that guitar, aren't you?"

"Yeah."

"And someday you'll be a really awesome guitarist. You'll be like Joan Jett."

"And the Blackhearts?" she breathed.

"Yeah, the very same ones."

She smiled and nodded.

"Colt, you want my autograph when I'm famous?"

"'Course. You can be the singer and I will be your roadie."

They were about to do a spit shake when Danny walked in, out of breath.

"Hi daddy!" Isa exclaimed. "I'm gonna be Joan Jett and the Blackhearts and Colt's gonna be my roadie!"

"Colton, you sure you wanna deal with that, buddy?"

"I gotta deal with it. I love her."

"Wide-eyed innocence," Danny muttered. "Sorry I was late pickin' you up baby."

"That's okay daddy. Uncle Dum was here."

"Ready to go?"

"Yep, let's have lunch!"

He took her hand and they led the group out of the building. Ben walked slowly, holding onto Adam and Colton's hands, feeling very important for having made a volcano. Every day it seemed he felt more and more like a big boy. Now if he could only stop the scary dreams that made him need mama in the middle of the night, he would really be a big boy.

They said goodbye to Isa and Danny and made their way home.

"What do you boys want for lunch?"

"Grilled cheese and 'mato soup," Colton answered as if he had been thinking about it all day long. "C'mon Ben, let's go play with Qwerty."

* * *

It was very late when Lindsay got home that night, so late in fact that she was thinking the lights wouldn't even be on. She was sure that the kids would be in bed and even Adam would have turned in by now. She hated how her shifts always ended up running hours over when they were supposed to. She felt like those two days a week she didn't even get to see the kids. Yawning, she opened the front door, finding the TV on and boys not in bed. They were asleep, sprawled on the floor in their boxers and t-shirts, Colton's hand in a bag of Cheetos. Adam was on the couch, dressed the same as the boys with Avery on his chest, sleeping as well. Lindsay stood there for a second, taking in the cutest Fruit of the Loom commercial she had ever seen. She took off her shoes and left them by the door, then leaned down to pick Colton up. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her neck while she carried him upstairs.

"Hi mama."

"Hi baby."

"I miss you mama. I don't like when you work when it's dark outside."

"I know sweetie. I don't like it either," she sighed, pulling the covers back on his bed and tucking him in.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Colton. We'll have breakfast together in the morning, okay?"

"Okay. Give me kisses now."

She smiled and kissed him a few times before tucking his shaggy hair behind his ear.

"Sleep good honey."

She waited until he had fallen back into deep sleep, then went back downstairs to get Ben. He whimpered when she picked him up, pushing away from her because in his sleepy state he didn't know what was happening.

"Daddy?"

"Shh, it's mama, you're okay."

"Oh mama," he sighed, clinging to her tightly. "Love mama."

"I love you too honey," she said, climbing the stairs again.

"Sleep in my bed?" he asked as she entered their bedroom.

"No sweetie, I'm just tucking you in."

"Miss you mama."

"I know baby. I miss you too. I'll come and snuggle you awake in the morning okay?"

"Like mornin' snuggles."

"Me too. Sleep good Ben. I love you."

"Kissies."

She smiled and kissed him before making another trip downstairs. Avery was awake now blinking against the light of the TV and trying to raise her head. Lindsay crouched down to her level and Avery squealed happily, kicking her legs.

"I'm happy to see you too goober. Are you getting hungry?"

Carefully she tried to lift Avery up, grinning when Adam tightened his arms around her.

"It's just me honey, go back to sleep."

He let the baby go and Lindsay lifted her up, snuggling her close and breathing deeply. This was the longest they had ever been apart and while she had missed the boys, it was much harder to be away from her baby girl.

They made their way upstairs and Lindsay sat down in the rocking chair in Avery's now rosebud wallpapered bedroom. They'd added white wainscoting to the bottom half of the walls and the wallpaper to the top. A hope chest full of quilts stood under the window and the rocking chair next to that. It was a cozy room, odd shaped but full of white furniture and blankets. It reminded Lindsay of her old childhood room, with all the homey colors and textures. It was one of her favorite rooms in the house, but that changed depending on which room she happened to be when she thought about it.

She rocked the chair slowly while Avery nursed, obviously having missed her mama and not enjoyed having to use a bottle all day. None of the kids had been fans of the bottle which had been frustrating for Adam but always delighted Lindsay just a little. They preferred their mama, and that made her heart swell.

"I missed you a lot today, Averylin. I wondered if you were okay and if you missed me too. I can see that you did. That makes me feel good, even if it might have made you a little sad. I guess that's a mama thing."

Avery stopped eating for just a moment, breathing deep and smiling at Lindsay in the moonlight. They locked eyes from a moment and Lindsay smiled, feeling an old song in her chest. It was one her mom had sang to her so many years ago. It was actually one of the only memories she had of her mom before she left, and the sound of it had always brought her a gentle peace. There had been many hymns sung to her as a child and she still loved them to this day, despite not remembering every verse in her head. Her dad had been a big Burl Ives fan and often was caught singing "Ghost Riders in the Sky," while her mom had been more partial to Johnny and June. But for lullabies or just "mama sing to me" songs, she'd picked something a little different.

"So dear to my heart, that Septembery day. When that old shady lane we strolled, was just turning scarlet and gold. So dear to my heart."

Avery sighed and slowed her eating down, a sure sign of being tired.

"So dear to my heart, that Decembry day. When that first touch of frost and snow, had painted every tree in the road. So dear to my heart. I can still picture the flowers in a shower, and that picnic in July, and I still treasure each and every hour of those years that had to fly. They're locked in my heart, in a corner apart, while I tenderly hold the key. As long as I live they will be so dear to my heart."

She hummed the song through once more as Avery fell asleep, then sat there and held her in the darkness for a while. She definitely hadn't gotten her fill of any of the kids today, but it was getting late and she needed to get some sleep herself. Standing up, she settled Avery into the crib and made sure nothing would fall on her in the night.

"Sleep sweet lovey girl. See you in a few hours."

She made her way back downstairs for the last time, feeling much like a mother hen gathering her chicks. Adam was still asleep on the couch and she smiled, watching him for a few minutes before leaning down to kiss him awake.

"Hey," he whispered, as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"Hi. You coming to bed?"

"You don't want to stay down here with me?"

"With you, yes. Down here, no."

He pulled her down against him anyway, kissing her lazily.

"You've got plans for me then?"

"I don't know. Those eyes of yours are at half mast, we'd either have to be really quick or put it off for a few days. And you know how I don't like being quick."

He laughed and opened his eyes a little more.

"You think I'm not up to the challenge?"

"I'm a challenge?"

"This conversation is going to a very strange place."

She grinned and rested against his chest, sighing deeply.

"I missed you today," she whispered, feeling her muscles bunch and release at her sudden lack of movement.

"We missed you too."

"How'd the volcano go?"

"Ben cried for an hour because he wanted you to see it. I finally calmed him down and we set it off just as it was getting dark. I'm thinking of rigging some kind of light in there so it looks like the entire volcano is about to blow."

"You're twelve."

"Maybe but I keep the boys entertained."

"Very true. Everything else go okay?"

"Yeah, it was fine. Normal day, just no mama here to chase us out of the kitchen."

"Is that all I do?"

"No, you do a lot more than that. I'm tired it was the first thing that came to mind. How was work?"

"Mmm."

"Really?"

"Yep."

He smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Let's go to bed. I'll carry you."

"Adam, don't be ridiculous you can't carry me-"

Her protest was cut short as he scooped her up and began to carry her up the stairs. She tried to keep her giggles quiet and he tried to keep her head from banging against the wall.

"Honey, you're going to kill yourself," she said as he started up the second flight of stairs.

"Am not."

She rolled her eyes as he opened their door with his foot, then gently placed her on the bed. Tugging on his arm she pulled him down with her, smiling against the insistent kiss he pressed to her lips.

"We left the TV on," she remembered after a second.

"Am I supposed to care?" he countered stopping what he was doing for a second to look at her.

"No, not at all. Carry on."

He smiled and kissed her again, brushing her hair back from her face.

"Don't go back to work."

"Adam."

"Sorry. I just want us all to be together at the same time."

"So do I. We just can't do that right now. But there is something we can do, so get workin' there buddy."

He smiled and rubbed his nose softly against hers.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	173. Chapter 173

A/N: I totally forgot to unabashedly pimp out a few new stories. First is "I'll be" by rachelandjuliabwsc. That would be me and Piper and it's a Lindsay/Austin story and it's amazing and it took us six months and you should read it. You should also read "Like you" by me if you want to see some pre-dating Adam and Lindsay. Just for grins and giggles.

* * *

Lindsay watched Adam closely, the way his hands pressed against the Formica tabletop, how he chewed the inside of his cheek, the way he couldn't keep his leg from shaking up and down. She reached across the table and took his hands in hers, squeezing them gently and making him look up at her.

"It's alright. Nothing bad is going to happen. He has nothing over you."

"I know."

"I'll be right here."

"No."

"What?"

He shook his head and sighed, looking around the room before he met her eyes.

"I don't want him to know who you are. I don't want him to follow you or find the kids-"

"Okay. I get it. I'll go sit over there."

He nodded and she leaned down to kiss him.

"Give me the high sign if you need me."

"I will. Thanks for understanding."

"Always. I love you."

"Love you too."

She left the table and walked across the small coffee shop to a single overstuffed chair, knowing that even if it hurt a little that he didn't want her right next to him, he was probably right in what he said.

It had been increasingly frequent phone calls, late at night, early in the morning, random times during the day, and Adam had finally decided to confront his dad in person. He wasn't planning on giving him any ins, and wanted to tell him very firmly to leave him alone. She could tell he was scared about it, knew he thought he didn't have the strength, but he was wrong. All he had to do was think about what happened, think about their kids and tell himself again that this was worth it, that he had to do it for his family.

She sipped her coffee and caught his eye, giving him a look before he smiled back. She knew he needed a moment to himself so she broke the gaze and found her phone, hitting the second speed dial.

"Hey, so what's going on? Is he there yet? Can we kill him?"

Lindsay gave a wry chuckle at Austin's enthusiasm.

"No, he's not here yet. Adam shooed me into a corner."

"Trying to protect your identity? Call WITSEC."

"Exactly."

"Is he freaking out?"

"A little but I think he'll be fine. It's stuff he needed to say for a very long time."

"I'm going to hug him when I see him."

"He'll need that."

"Are you guys coming to dinner tonight?"

"Yeah, I have court this afternoon but we'll be there. Did Stella make it in okay?"

"Yeah, she flew in early this morning."

"So tell me what you know about this man of hers."

Austin chuckled and moved to a more comfortable position on the couch, patting Avery's back and kissing the top of her head.

"His name is Jesse. He works on an oil rig so he'll be gone for weeks at a time occasionally, which kinda works for Stella."

"I can see that."

"He's a little younger than her and he has a daughter, Savannah. She's seven and practically worships Stella who basically worships her right back."

"I love that."

"Savannah came with her so we'll get to meet her too. Jesse's out on the rig and normally Savannah stays with his parents but she begged to go with Stella this time."

"That's precious."

"I know. I can't wait to meet her."

"Are they staying with Jo?"

"Yeah, so I guess that's why we're all having dinner over there tonight."

"It's going to be loud."

"I really hope Mac and Stella get in another argument than ends with her sticking her tongue out at him. That was great."

Lindsay smiled and shook her head, then took in a breath as the door opened. It was Adam's father, she was sure of it. Looks ran in the family, but she would never tell Adam he looked a little like his father. Timothy was shorter than his son by an inch or two and probably seventy pounds heavier. Just from the way he walked, Lindsay would have felt sorry for the man, had she not known who he was and what he'd done. She wanted to jump out of her chair and ram a fork into his neck, but she restrained herself, observing from afar.

"Linds? You went radio silent."

"He's here."

"He is? Do you want to jump out of your chair and ram a fork into his neck?"

"How did you know?"

"Well? What's going on?"

"They're sitting. He's talking, Adam's giving him the "You've got to be kidding me" face."

"Getting any vibes?"

"I don't know. It's just all around uncomfortable. Adam's crossing his arms and shaking his head, but he's leaning back in his chair. He's not scared. He's mad. I've never seen him this mad. This might be inappropriate but it's kind of hot."

Austin snickered and shook her head.

"Linds."

"Um, they're still just talking. Adam's leaned forward now. He's talking with his hands. He just said "absolutely not." And his dad looks like he's begging for something."

"To meet you guys huh?"

"Yeah, probably. Uh-oh."

"What? What's the matter?"

"He's stuttering. Running his fingers through his hair. Oh Adam, you're okay."

"Can you get his attention?"

"Yeah, yeah, I think so."

She stood up and discreetly made her way across the room to a place where Adam could see her but Timothy couldn't. She stood there silently for a moment until he looked up and saw her. She could see how his demeanor changed, relaxed and he got control over his stuttering. She gave him an encouraging smile and went back to her seat, tucking her legs underneath her and sighing.

"Okay, he's better now."

"And you?"

"Remember that fork from before?"

"Oh Linds."

"I hate this. It shouldn't be this way. He shouldn't have to…"

"I know."

"You never should have had to either."

"Is he doing okay?"

"Yeah, he seems a little better. I wish you were here, this is nerve wracking."

"Plus it would be fun to kick the crap out of his dad together."

"Oh, no doubt. Okay, now he's leaving. He looks really mad but he's leaving and that's all that matters."

"Good. Now go hug your husband because he really needs you."

"I will. Thanks for the talk."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up and Lindsay made her way over to the table, running her fingers gently over Adam's hand. He sighed and looked up at her, his expression somewhere between frightened child and relieved adult.

"How'd it go?"

"It went," he sighed, turning his hand over to squeeze hers. "Let's walk."

She nodded and they left the coffee shop, donning light sweaters and joining hands as they started to walk through the neighborhood. She didn't ask him what was said; she'd gotten enough of the gist that if he never offered it she would still know the important parts.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm good. It was easier than I expected. Thanks for getting in my line of vision."

"Always."

They fell quiet for a while, just strolling and breathing the fresh air and early spring sunshine.

"He wanted to make amends. He says he accepts what he did and he knows it was wrong. He wants to have a relationship with me. I realize that people can change, but you saw what it did to me, just being around him. You know how it is when he calls. I couldn't let him in my life again. Not if that's what it does to me. I can't be a good father to the kids if I'm like that. They come first, not me, not him or his feelings. They're the only ones that matter in this and if it would hurt them in any way… I just couldn't do it."

She stopped walking and stood in front of him, her eyes shining with tears as she gripped his hands.

"I am absolutely, exceedingly proud of you, Adam."

"Thanks babe."

She smiled and hugged him tightly, unable to express just how proud of him she really was. It was so intense it almost hurt.

"Let's go home," she said after a moment, taking his hand again and pulling him down the street.

"Don't we have to go get the kids?"

"We will. Later."

He just nodded and they walked quickly home.

* * *

"Stop running!" Lindsay and Austin hollered in unison as the kids thundered by, lost in their own make believe world.

"Jo lets us run," Colton said, winded. "It's okay."

"Well I said no, so you're going to stop running now. There's too many people here."

He sighed and looked for Jo, spotting her across the kitchen talking to Stella.

"Hey Jo! Can we go play in the backyard? We wanna run!"

"We're going to eat in a few minutes but if it's okay, you can go outside after that."

His shoulders slumped and she chuckled, crouching down to pull him into her arms.

"I'm sorry, cowboy. You'll have to think of something else to do."

"I'll ask Isa."

She grinned and kissed his head and he walked away to report back to the other kids.

"We gotta think of a different game," he said with a sigh. "And then we gotta eat soon."

"I'll think of something," Isa said, leading the kids into the other room.

"Nothing changes," Stella chuckled. "I could be gone for two weeks or twenty years."

"Stell, don't you dare be gone for twenty years," Austin warned with a grimace.

"I'm just teasing."

"Don't tease."

Stella chuckled and walked over to wrap Austin in a hug.

"There are such things as airplanes, kiddo."

"Can you imagine my kids on a plane?"

"Okay, granted."

"Anyone want to help me carry the food to the table?" Jo asked, grabbing the plate of perfectly carved roast beef that Mac had spent a half hour slicing.

They all grabbed plates and bowls and set them around the table, which had been pulled out to its full size to accommodate the number of people that were sitting around it. Everyone found spots around the table, the kids sitting in laps or sharing chairs. Savannah was shy, especially with all the new people around, and snuggled herself into Stella's lap. The two of them had a hushed conversation and Savannah giggled quietly, gently pulling one of Stella's curls and watching it spring back.

"But I don't like green beans, Mana," she said softly, using a Greek word for mother. "I want corn instead."

"Well how about I'll eat the green beans and you can eat the potatoes."

"You don't want your potatoes?"

"Well we need to get some kind of vegetable in you, Savvy Sue. Otherwise your dad will be upset when he calls tonight and finds out you didn't hit all five food groups."

"Sugar is in the food groups Mana. Don't forget."

Stella chuckled and kissed the little girls hair.

"I won't forget."

"I have an announcement to make," Mac said, clearing his throat. Everyone quieted and snapped to attention. He hadn't been expecting such a fast reaction and he cleared his throat again, suddenly overtaken by nerves. Jo giggled from the seat next to him and he looked at her and glared a little.

"You know, you could make them guess," she suggested with a flick of her eyebrows. His expression didn't change and she giggled again, while he cleared his throat once more.

"You okay there Mac?" Danny asked. "You need a cough drop?"

Mac smiled but otherwise ignored him.

"Oh just tell them Mac," Jo encouraged. "Or I will."

"Or I will," Stella echoed with a smile.

"Or me," Ellie offered.

"Okay what the heck does everyone else know about?" Austin said finally, half exasperated, staring Mac and Jo down. "Did you two like, elope or something?"

Everyone's laughter was silenced within seconds at the look that Mac had on his face.

"Well at least you didn't have to tell them, Mac," Jo chuckled.

"You got married without us?" Austin and Lindsay exclaimed, both slamming hands down on the table.

"The Justice of the Peace has a pretty small office," Mac said, grinning. "Couldn't fit the whole family in there."

"So that's why you suddenly came to town," Flack deduced, looking over at Stella and narrowing his eyes playfully. "You didn't miss us kids."

"You could argue that either way," Stella said, her face scrunching up into her truly happy smile.

No one quite knew what to say, but laughing congratulations were passed around anyway, along with jokes about the curse of the NYPD crime lab, and getting a ring by spring or your money back. It was happy news, if slightly unexpected. They'd never been obvious about their relationship, but it wasn't a secret either.

Pretty soon the kids got bored with the conversation and the food, and began to beg to go outside. They were starting to get irritating and Adam finally agreed to take them out. He stopped down and kissed the top of Lindsay's head before he went. She patted his hand and gave him a little smile.

"Is he doing okay?" Austin whispered so only Lindsay could hear.

"I think so, but I don't know for sure."

"It's never really over."

"No, it's not."

"I'm going to go talk to him."

She stood from the table and made her way into the backyard. The older kids were running around shrieking while Liam and Teagan wrestled in the grass. Adam was sitting on the porch, and Austin leaned one hand on his shoulder while she lowered herself to the deck next to him. They stayed quiet for a few minutes, just watching the kids play.

"Linds told you?"

"Yeah. How do you feel?"

"Honestly? Pretty pathetic."

"Why?"

"I'm a grown man that finally just stood up to his father. Most guys do that when they're eighteen."

"Well you're not most guys, Adam."

"You know what I mean. And then I feel guilty."

"Guilty about what?"

"All he wanted was a family, you know? He really could have changed. He said he knows what he did to me was wrong. He was sorry. He's alone, wanted me to forgive him, start fresh so we cold all be a family. That's all he wanted and I said no."

"You had a pretty good reason to say no."

"Maybe. But if he's changed…"

"Adam, you don't owe him anything. Whatever he possibly did for you, providing for you or whatever it happened to be, that was all moot the second he hit you. You don't owe him anything."

"I still feel like I do. I guess… I've never been good at not forgiving people. I've been watching Lindsay while she's been working through this whole thing with her mom and I guess, I don't know I thought it might help, to get it all over with. Now I just feel worse."

"So you feel worse because you feel better?"

He gave a wry chuckle.

"Yeah. I guess so. You know, Lindsay keeps telling me that she's proud of me. That I'm doing what I think I need to do to protect our family. I wonder if she's right."

"First of all, I don't think I need to remind you of the futility and risk of questioning your wife," she said, bringing a little levity to their discussion. "And second, what good would it do having him in your life?"

"Probably none. I guess even if he had changed, I wouldn't want to have to explain the truth to the kids someday. Not about a grandfather that they would love. I couldn't do that to them. I couldn't lie either."

She just nodded, the subject and specificity hitting extremely close to home.

"I don't know how to make you feel less guilty, Adam. I don't. All I can say is that you did the right thing, even if it doesn't feel like it now. Your father, he lost his chance with you. He tried to have another family and maybe he improved a little, but it's not like he has a great relationship with your brother either, is it?"

"No. Guess not."

"If he really wanted a family again, why hasn't he tried to fix that? Because he thinks he can still manipulate you. He thinks that you're still that little kid. But you're not. You've caught onto his game and you've counter-moved in a way that he didn't expect. Hold onto that, Adam. Keep that power."

He nodded and she nudged him with her elbow.

"I'm proud of you too, you know. It takes a lot to be able to stand up to your father, especially when just seeing him does what it does to you. You did the right thing. I don't think anyone would disagree with me on that."

"And if they did…"

"They'd soon regret it."

"I think I'll start calling you Xena."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, you wear more clothes than her, but if this was 1811, you would be likely to ride by on a horse with a huge sword, decapitating anyone who set locusts free on your crops."

"I don't even know how to respond to that, Adam."

* * *

"I need help!"

The desperate cry shocked everyone into silence, and they turned to find Ben standing in the bathroom doorway, his shirt pulled down over his bare legs. He was looking around desperately, his eyes large behind his glasses.

"What do you need help with?"

"I need daddy!"

"He's outside with the other kids. Do you want me to help you?"

"No! It a boy thing."

"Ben," Lindsay started softly. "Did you have a zipper problem again?"

"No! I need boy help!"

"I'll go," Mac chuckled, standing up from the table while Ben backed into the bathroom. "What did you do, buddy?"

"I almost go in my pants!"

"Did you panic?"

Everyone else could hear the conversation and tried to keep their snickering to a minimum.

"Dunno. Taked my pants off fast. Inside out now."

"Well it's quite a mess you've gotten yourself into."

"Mac, I not make a mess. Got it all in the potty."

"I know that, I just mean that your pants are in a mess."

"Oh. You fix?"

"Yeah, just a second."

"Thanks. I need my pants."

"Yeah buddy, we all do."

"Mama not want me to be free no more."

"Oh really?"

"Not 'propriate."

"I see."

They finished up and came out of the bathroom, Ben immediately turning red as he realized everyone knew what had happened.

"I not wanna have accident!" he hollered before turning and running the other way.

"You have the weirdest kid," Danny commented with a shake of his head.

"We thought he would be the normal one. Yesterday he ran around the house with boxers on his head all day and refused to say a word except for "Tra-La-La.""

"Why?"

"Adam read him _Captain Underpants_."

"You have a weird husband as well."

"He knows. I think he's kind of proud of it," she said as Adam and Austin herded the kids back inside.

"Daddy said it's too dark outside," Colton said, climbing into Lindsay's lap. "And we smell like air."

"You do smell like air."

"It's the smell of a hard playin' boy."

"You mean the stink of a hard playin' boy."

"I know the difference, mama. That's not very nice."

"Oh how I've missed this," Stella chuckled, shaking her head.

"Hi Jo," Isa whispered, moving Jo's hand out of her lap, then climbing up and snuggling against her.

"Hi sweetie. Did you have fun outside?"

"Yeah. I like that one tree in your backyard. I climbed it."

"How high did you go?"

"Pretty high. Then Uncle Dum got scared so I came down."

"He just didn't want you to get hurt."

"Yeah, I know."

"Are you feeling okay, baby?" Austin asked, stooping down to check her daughter's forehead on her way to get a glass of water for Sarah.

"Yeah ma. I'm fine."

Austin looked a little harder at her then sighed. Isa didn't normally just snuggle into someone's lap. If she ever did, she'd pick Lindsay every time, except the rare occasions when Stella was around. It was curious indeed, but she wasn't going to discourage it.

"Hey Jo," Isa whispered, leaning up and whispering in her ear. "Are you my new grumma?"

"What?"

"'Cuz you're married to my papaw now. That means you're my grumma."

"No, sweetie. Stella's still your grumma."

"Okay. We're all a family right?"

"Yeah we are. Now you should go have a cuddle with that grumma of yours, I think she'd like that."

"Okay."

Isa slid off her lap and made her way over to Stella, stopping part way there to tug on Lindsay's hand.

"I'm gonna come snuggle you in a minute, okay Indy?"

"Okay baby."

"Hey," Colton said, popping his head up from Lindsay's shoulder. "Where's our baby?"

"Ellie and Savannah are playing with her."

"What if they don't do it right?"

"Oh Colton, it'll be fine."

"But mama, I know how to play with her right. I am gonna go make sure."

He wiggled off her lap and she sighed, shaking her head as Austin sat down next to her.

"Hey Linny."

"Oh my word."

"What? I kinda like that."

Lindsay just chuckled and shook her head. She could tell when Austin was in an exceptional mood because she called people all sorts of names that she'd either never called them before, or that weren't even close to their names.

"You doing okay?" Austin asked after a moment.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"It's hard on Adam but it's hard on you too. And everything with your mom…"

"I'm okay. Mom and I have been talking a few times a week. It's hard. I understand now that she didn't have support. She didn't have anyone to turn to. And while I still feel hurt and while I don't think I will ever trust her the way I should, we're repairing what's left. It's not easy but it's worth it."

"I can understand that."

"I know."

"You might never have a normal mother/daughter relationship with her, Lin."

"I know. I just want us to be able to have the best relationship that we can. I know it will probably never be as close as with Stella and Jo, but it's something. I can't just write it off. I don't want Avery to grow up thinking that's okay."

"I think you're going to be fine," she said as Isa ran over and jumped into Lindsay's lap.

"Hi Indy."

"Hi sweetie."

"Saved my best cuddles for you."

"You did?"

"Yup! Know why?"

"Why?" Isa looked at her seriously for a minute, then leaned up to whisper in her ear.

"Cuz you're the only Indy I got."

"Oh Isa. I love you a lot."

"I know."

* * *

"Adam?" Lindsay started softly, looking away from her book and drawing her fingers up and down his arm.

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

He looked away from his own book and nodded.

"I think so."

"You know that I support you, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Remember our New Years resolution? Everything better, right? No more junk food, no more take out, no more crappy TV, no more staying up late just because the kids are in bed. We're going to eat natural and organic as much as we can, we're going to walk more often, spend more time outside, grow a garden, read more, go to museums. All the good things. Only the good things, remember?"

"Yeah."

"Your father isn't a good thing, honey. The only good thing that ever came from him was you. We don't need him and we don't want him."

They shared a smile and he caught her hand, kissing her fingertips.

"I love you, Linds."

"I love you too. Thanks for being the best thing."

He smiled and put his book on the bedside table then scooted closer and wrapped his arms around her. He dropped a kiss to her shoulder and ran his fingers over her neck.

"Thank you for being there for me. Especially with this."

She smiled as he leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"I think we make each other better."

"I think we do too. Let's get some sleep."

He kissed her a few more times before they turned off their lamps and snuggled in together. Everything could only get better.


	174. Chapter 174

"Hey Isa, can I borrow the silver crayon?" Colton asked, discovering that he needed one to color the dimes on his worksheet.

"Nope."

His head snapped up at that and he scowled at her.

"Why not?"

"Cuz. Remember we split the box, that was the deal. You got gold and I got silver. You could use gray."

"Isa, dimes are silver. Not gray. Can't I borrow it?"

"Nope, it's mine. Fairsies are fairsies."

He sighed and watched the iron grip she had on the crayon, even though she wasn't using it. He didn't know if she was just messing with him or if she really didn't want to share the crayon.

"Hey Isa, you could use the gold one if I could use the silver."

"Nope. I don't need no gold crayon. Looks like poop."

"It does not!"

She let a giggle slip out and he knew she had been at least partly joking, but he wasn't amused.

"Isabeth," he hissed, scrunching up his nose to make it sound as awful as possible because he knew how much she hated people calling her that.

"Shut up Colton Matthew Ross!"

"Make me, Isabeth Grace Messer!"

She jumped to her feet, knocking her chair over in the process.

"You're a big fat jerky-jerk!"

"Yeah well you're a whiny face!"

"I'm not your girlfriend no more and I am not sitting by you at family dinner ever again!"

"Fine! That's okay because you don't even gots no table manners!"

"Yes I do! You're the one what always spills his drink! And you cried when Indy said you could not have a straw!"

"Yeah, well you got sended to the corner last night because of putting sketti noodles up your nose!"

"I hate you!"

"I hate you more! Selfish meany Isabeth!"

"Stinky poopy Colton!"

"Colton, Isa, that's enough," Mrs. Lawrence warned, raising her voice just slightly. They both turned and looked at her, crossing their arms over their chests. "Sit down and finish your worksheets please."

They sat, glaring and moving as far away as they possibly could from each other. They'd never had a fight before. They'd never said they hated each other before. Colton wasn't certain what it all meant, but it did make his tummy hurt and he wondered if they would ever be able to talk nice to each other again. He was pretty mad.

The class moved on to their history lesson and Colton sat there quietly not really paying attention. This was turning out to be a very bad day.

Little did he know, it was about to get worse.

He didn't notice right away, but after a moment he felt something cool and sticky on his scalp. He looked across the table at Oliver and Samantha who were sitting there with their eyes wide and their mouths dropped open.

"What. Is. Happening?" he asked, terrified.

"Cameron is putting glue in your hair."

He wasn't sure what to do so he just sat there for a moment. He wanted to yell for his teacher but he didn't want to be called a baby for it. So he sat.

And sat.

And then realized what happens when glue sits for a long time. All he could think about now was having his hair stick up permanently like the time Ben got into mama's hair gel, or having to shave all his hair off and be bald.

He didn't make a decision to scream, it just came out on its own and it actually scared him for a second. He kept his eyes closed because he knew he would start crying if he opened them and saw everyone staring at him. He could hear them chattering away as Mrs. Lawrence led him into the small bathroom and put his head in the sink trying to wash the glue out of his hair.

"Colton, I'm sorry, I don't think I can get this glue out."

"This is the worst day of my life!" he said, brushing the water away from his eyes. "It's even worse than the day that the baby Aves had runny poops and stinked up the whole house! I didn't have to shave my head that day!"

He wanted so badly to start crying and beg for his mama, but he knew he couldn't do that. He was a big boy now. He had to be brave.

That meant he would have to face his friends with glue in his hair.

* * *

No one wanted to play with him at recess time. Oliver and Samantha sat by him for a little while, but then decided they didn't want to waste their recess by sitting on the curb. Isa was off playing karate with Cameron of all people, and every other kid in the glass had walked by and called him Glue-Head. It was bad enough having glue in his hair, but to have it sticking straight up was awful. He sighed and rested his chin on his knees, watching as Cameron and Isa laughed together. That was usually him. Isa always laughed with him. They always played together at recess. They were best friends after all. They used to be boyfriend and girlfriend too, but that was another story.

He watched as they ran across the playground, sighing when they moved to the other side of the play structure where he couldn't see them. He stood up from the curb and walked over there, peeking around the corner to spy.

"Now I will be Zelda and you will be Link."

He growled low in his throat. He and Isa always played Zelda and Link at recess. If it weren't for him, she would have no idea who Zelda and Link even were! He was starting to wonder if Isa had really been his true friend all along, or if she was just waiting for someone cooler than him. If only he had blue eyes like Cameron, or was a little taller, or if his front teeth would grow in all the way. Maybe then he would be cool enough for Isa.

The bell rang and he slowly made his way back to the classroom, finding himself at the end of the line. Mrs. Lawrence gave him a sad look, and he shook his head, not wanting to talk about it. He sat down in his chair and picked up his pencil, carefully writing his name on top of his spelling page. He copied the words down from the chalkboard, not really remembering what they were, but not caring either. He just wanted to go home. And maybe never come back.

Yeah, that would show them! He was a fun boy after all, they would miss him if he just quit school, wouldn't they? Who else would tell the best jokes and sing the best songs and be friends with everyone?

Right before class was over it occurred to him to wonder why Cameron had poured glue in his hair in the first place. It didn't make sense. Who would even think of something like that? Who besides the Evil Dr. Porkchop from _Toy Story_?

When class was over he stayed in his seat, waiting until all the other kids had left before he picked up his backpack and headed out into the hallway. Austin had come to pick up Isa, and Sarah and Junior were with her. They were running around the hallway with Ben and Colton wanted to join in, but Isa was playing, and he didn't want everyone to see his hair anyway. Thinking fast, he pulled the hood of his jacket up over his head, took a deep breath, and stepped out into the hallway.

"Hey bud- what happened to your hair?"

He couldn't take it anymore and burst into tears, hating this whole day.

"Daddy," he hiccupped. "I wanna go home!"

Adam and Austin both crouched down in front of him as he cried. He knew he looked pitiful but he couldn't help it. He was just so sad.

"Colton, tell me what happened."

"Daddy I don't wanna talk 'bout it. I want to shave my head and get it over with now."

"I don't think we're going to have to shave your head buddy. Let's go home and see if mama has some ideas, okay?"

"I have never been this mad and sad in all my entire life."

Austin wrapped her arms around him and pulled him close. He calmed down a little when she hugged him because he knew she would always love him and never laugh at him. He sighed and she rubbed his back for a minute before she said anything.

"If worst comes to worst, buddy, maybe your mama will let you wear it in a Mohawk."

"Really?"

"We'll see."

"That would be okay I think."

She smiled and kissed his cheek and he really wanted to blurt out how mean Isa was and how Austin should punish her, but he just couldn't do it. Isa may have hurt his feelings, but he still loved her. He'd promised for all the days.

* * *

Colton sniffled quietly as Lindsay washed his hair for the third or fourth time, using another remedy Adam had found online. Nothing had worked really well so far, probably because the glue had been allowed to set for so long. It was still a tangled mess and his scalp really hurt from all the tugging and scrubbing.

"Mama?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"I'm sorry."

She stopped scrubbing for a minute and tipped his chin up to look at him.

"This isn't your fault honey."

"But it's frustratin' to you."

"I am frustrated, but not at you. I'm just mad that someone would do this to you."

"I'm mad too, mama."

"Your teacher called to tell me what happened. She said she didn't know why Cameron put glue in your hair. Do you have any ideas?"

"Nope. I am a nice boy all the time. He's a nice boy too, I thinked! Not like the mean boy what kicked Mrs. Lawrence and can't come to our school no more. I so did not see this coming."

She gave him a half smile and continued to scrub while he sighed.

"Nobody likes me no more," he whispered.

"What?"

"They don't wanna play with no Glue-Head at recess time."

"Nobody played with you?"

"Nope."

"Not even Isa?"

He just shook his head, unable to say what had happened between them. He was so ashamed and so sad. He didn't want anyone to know that they weren't friends anymore.

"There is no way this is Elmer's glue," Adam said, bringing a bowl into the bathroom. "I think that little demon child had Tacky-Glue. Let's try some peanut butter."

"I don't wanna smell like a sandwich! My shampoo is strawberry!"

"You won't smell like a sandwich for long, honey, I promise."

He sniffled some more as Lindsay worked the peanut butter into his hair. He did not like this one little bit and he was never ever going to go back to school. Forget being a doctor, he was going to do something else. He was going to be a racecar driver. All he had to do was learn how to drive fast and make pit-stops. He could do that easily. He didn't need to learn grown up stuff.

"I'm going to let that sit on your hair for a few minutes, okay? I'll be right back."

Colton nodded sadly as Lindsay left the room, then looked down into the murky bathwater. He did not feel very clean at all.

"Hey Cole?"

"Hi Ben."

"You sad?"

"No," he answered, trying to be brave for his little brother. "Just irritated."

"Oh. Head hurt?"

"A little."

"Brunged juice. Sneaked it."

"Really? Ben, you're my best friend!"

"I are?"

Colton nodded enthusiastically before taking a drink of the juice.

"Yup. Thanks!"

"Welcome. More?"

"No, that was enough. It tasted very good."

"I love you Cole."

"I love you too Ben."

"Benjamin!" Lindsay hollered from downstairs. "Did you spill juice on the floor?"

Ben's eyes grew wide and he moved towards the door.

"I hide under bed now."

"Okay. I keep it a secret."

Ben scampered out of the room and Colton smiled, feeling a lot better than he had just a few minutes ago. He would always have his brother and sister after all. They could all be best friends. He didn't need anyone else.

* * *

The weekend passed by way too fast and Colton was not ready to go back to school. He hadn't seen Isa all weekend or talked to her on Skype or anything and he wasn't sure if she was going to remember their fight and still be mad at him or if she would have gotten over it.

He took a deep breath before entering the classroom, relieved that he was one of the first kids there. It was a quiet and rainy morning and Mrs. Lawrence had quiet music playing. That made him feel a little bit better, and he sat down in his chair, taking his spiral notebook out of his desk. They were allowed to do quiet activities until class started, and he was almost done drawing the Zelda and Link picture that he was planning to give Isa for her birthday. He was still going to give it to her, whether they were friends or not. He was currently trying to fashion Zelda's skirt into pants because Isa didn't like skirts. He worked for a few minutes until he was ready to color, and selected the best green crayon out of his collection.

"Hey Colton. Did your mommy get all the glue outta your hair?" Samantha asked, sitting down across from him.

"Yeah. I had a headache all the next day. I had to go get my hair cut a little too."

"It looks cool still."

"Thanks. What did you do for the weekend?"

"I seen my grandma and grandpa. We played in the park."

"I like to play in the park. Sometimes when I go with Isa, her daddy and my daddy chase us around and do lots of roaring."

Samantha giggled.

"That is funny. My daddy doesn't like to play much games."

"Maybe you could come to my house. My daddy loves to play games. That's all we ever do at our home. Me and Ben and daddy, and even mama when the baby Aves is asleep. We done hide and seek the other day and I hided behind the couches and no one found me for a long time. They even gived up."

"Wow! I want to play at your house!"

"Okay. I will ask my mama for sometime that you could come over after school. Maybe Oliver too. But we have to play with my little brother Ben or it's not fair."

"That's okay he sounds like he's cool."

"He kind of is but he don't talk that much."

"Can Isa come too?"

"No, she doesn't like me no more. Even though we're family and we gotta stick together."

"She doesn't wanna stick together?"

"Nope. We been friends since we was borned. I guess she's bored of me now."

"Oh. Well I will still be your friend, okay?"

"Okay. Wanna play at recess?"

"Yeah. Me and Oliver been playin' a game with dogs, from this one movie. I am a cat named Sassy and Oliver is a dog named Shadow and you could be the dog Chance."

"Hey I knowed that movie! I will play it with you."

She gave him a smile and they went back to their separate drawings. He didn't feel so bad now. Maybe he didn't even need Isa after all.

He may have had that independent thought, but by the end of the day he wasn't feeling quite so confident anymore. He and Isa had gotten into two more arguments and he was feeling a lot crummier than he wanted to admit. By the time school was over he wanted to go home and crawl into his bed and hide under the covers alone for a long, long time. He didn't want to ever go back to school or see Isa ever again. He didn't hate her, but every time he saw her, it reminded him of how much his feelings were hurt.

"Colton, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked as they walked home.

"Nothin'."

She stopped walking and crouched down in front of him.

"You can tell mama."

He shook his head.

"I don't want to talk about it today. Or tomorrow. Or ever."

"You make me worry, buddy."

"I'm tough like daddy. It's okay."

She sighed and tucked his hair behind his ear, looking into his eyes for as long as she could.

"Alright. But if you change your mind, you let me know."

"I will."

"I love you, mister."

"I love you too."

They continued walking and he sighed a little, not even happy about splashing through puddles. His untied shoelaces were wet and slapped his legs with every step, making the cuffs of his jeans wet and muddy. Normally that would have bugged him at least a little, but today he didn't really care.

When they got home he hung his backpack by the door and kicked his shoes off, then went and curled up on the couch under a blanket, refusing the lunch that Adam offered him.

"Buddy, are you sick? Does your tummy hurt?"

"No daddy. Just my feelings."

"How did your feelings get hurt?"

"I don't wanna say."

"Do you want to do something to take your mind off of it?"

"Like what?"

"Want to play a game before I have to go to work?"

"No thanks daddy."

"What can I do to make you feel better?"

He sat up and rubbed his eyes, then sighed.

"Is families forever? Like for really forever?"

"Families are forever."

"And you got no choice right? You have to be a family, right?"

"Basically. What are you getting at buddy?"

"Well… what if someone decided not to be in our family anymore? Or what if they decided that they did not want someone else in our family? What if someone said they don't want me in our family no more?"

"Buddy, what are you talking about? We all want you in our family. Forever. Who said they don't want you in our family?"

"Nobody, daddy. I was just wondering. Can you hug me now for a long time?"

"Sure, bud."

He leaned down and picked his son up, worried about what could have brought this on. Colton was never mopey like this, nor did he refuse to talk about what was bothering him. It had to be something big.

* * *

"Mama?"

She looked up from the book she was reading and found Colton standing in the doorway, chewing on his finger and dragging his sock monkey behind him.

"Why are you awake honey?"

"I can't sleep. Can I come in bed with you for a little while?"

"Yeah, sure. You want to sleep in here until daddy gets home?"

He nodded and climbed onto the bed, snuggling against her side.

"What are you reading?"

"A book about love letters from soldiers."

"Oh. I'm ready to talk about my feelings now."

"Okay, I'm ready to listen."

She put the book down and gave him her full attention, smoothing his hair back from his face.

"Well me and Isa had a fight the other day. And we are not friends anymore. We said we hate each other. And then she played with Cameron after he put the glue in my hair. She really did, mama. And we will never be friends again. And that's why I am so sad."

"Oh Colton," she sighed, wrapping her arms around him and kissing the top of his head. "I'm sure you'll be friends again."

"I don't think so. We fighted again today. Two whole times."

"Can I tell you a story?"

"Okay."

"A long time ago, before Ben was born, me and Austin got in a big fight."

"You did? But you're super best friends! You love each other so much!"

"I know. And we loved each other then too, but that doesn't mean we don't argue. We both said things to each other that were really mean and we didn't talk to each other for a long time."

"But how did you become friends again?"

"We never stopped being friends honey. We just had to stop being mad at each other long enough to listen to the other person. We loved each other enough to fix the fight, and you know what?"

"What?"

"We love each other more now than we did back then. Because we had a fight. I know that's kind of confusing, but we both know that we'll always be there for each other, no matter what. And so will you and Isa. Fights aren't forever unless you want them to be. Do you want it to be forever?"

"No! She's my best friend!"

"Then it won't be forever, honey. You and Isa will be okay again, I promise."

"Should I say sorry?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"Can I talk to her now? I don't want to go to sleep if she's still mad at me."

Lindsay checked the time and picked up her phone.

"Okay, I'll call Austin but Isa might have gone to bed already. We'll see."

Colton nodded and closed his eyes with a sigh. Maybe it would be okay after all.

"Hey Aust."

"Hey, I was just about to call you. Isa told me what happened."

"Yeah, Colton just told me too. He wants to talk to her if she's still up."

"She's right here."

They handed the phones off to the kids, then pretended not to listen to the ensuing conversation.

"Hi Colt."

"Hi Is."

"I'm not mad at you no more."

"Me neither. Mama says that her and your mama got in a fight one time."

"My ma telled me that story too!"

"Isa, I didn't like how you played with Cameron 'stead of me. How come you done that?"

"Because he asked me to and I not wanting him to put glue in my hair too!"

"Why did he put glue in my hair?"

"Because you and me was fighting and that crazy boy gots a crusher on me."

"So he was bein' mean to me because he likes you and wants to kiss you and make you his girlfriend?"

"Yeah."

"Well you could be his girlfriend then Isa."

"No! I am your girlfriend! Just yours!"

"But you said you were not anymore!"

"I was just mad. I still love you Colt. I don't like us to fight anymore. I won't play with Cameron, just you now. I promise. I was just being mad at you for callin' me Isabeth."

"That was really mean of me, Is. I'm sorry. I know you don't want no one callin' you that 'cept for your mama. I won't do it no more."

"Okay. Sorry I telled about you crying."

"Sorry I telled about the sketti in your nose. I really love you Isa, even when I am mean."

"I love you too Colt. Can we be best friends and boyfriend and girlfriend again and forever?"

"Yep, forever. I will see you at school, okay?"

"Okay. You could borrow the silver crayon."

"That is a deal. Night-night Isa."

"Night-night Colt."

He handed the phone back to Lindsay and smiled happily. All was once again right in his world.


	175. Chapter 175

"Oh sweet chunk-a-munk, it looks like we're going to have to loosen the straps in your carseat again," Lindsay sighed, settling Avery into her seat. "Have you been getting up in the night and raiding the fridge?"

The six-month-old stared back at her with a devilish, drooly grin and blinked a few times before giggling. Lindsay snickered and brushed the unruly red curls off of her forehead, then backed out of the car to help Ben in.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Danny, Austin, Isa, Sarah, Dunner at the beach too?"

"Yeah, they're meeting us there."

"All day?"

"Yeah, we'll spend the whole day together. Are you excited?"

"Uh-huh! Build castles. Play in water too."

"I'm sure you will."

"What mama do?"

"Mama's going to work on her tan."

"Yeah, because she's not dark enough already," Adam said with a roll of his eyes. Lindsay and the kids all turned several shades darker after just a little while in the sun. He managed to get dark too, but it took him a lot longer.

"I would like to get in the car," Colton said, squeezing himself through the door and into his seat. "Geez Louise, it is hotter than poop in here."

Adam snickered and reached in to start the car so the air conditioning would kick on.

"Do we have everything babe?" he asked, moving back to close the trunk.

"I think so. Did you get the water bottles out of the fridge?"

"Yeah, they're in the cooler. Do all the kids have something to drink?"

"I think we're set."

"Then let's hit the road."

They got into the car and pulled out of the driveway, both donning sunglasses as they headed for Coney Island. It had been Isa's birthday request, and they figured it would be a good way to celebrate school being out and the beginning of summer at the same time. They were all looking forward to having the family all together for a day, as things had been busy and they hadn't had a dinner together in weeks.

"We need some tunes up in this joint," Colton said, staring out the window. "Somethin' awesome. I love country but I don't want that."

Adam chuckled and found something on his iPod and Colton nodded in approval.

"I like this music, daddy."

"I pick music?" Ben asked, frowning.

"You can pick the music on the way home."

"That is a deal."

"Ahh!" Avery screamed, not wanting to be left out of the conversation. They all looked at her and she giggled.

"Sissy, you silly," Ben said, finding her pacifier wedged between her leg and the seat and handing it to her. She grinned, big enough to show her dimples, and he put the pacifier in her mouth.

"Are we almost there?" Colton asked after a while, his forehead resting against the window.

"Almost. Just a few more minutes."

"I really wanna go in the ocean."

"We will."

They got stuck in traffic a few miles from the beach but Lindsay made up a game so the boys didn't really seem to mind. Once they finally got to Coney Island it took half an hour to find a parking space and they were going to have to do quite a bit of walking. They got their stuff out of the car and loaded up their arms and the bottom of the stroller, then set out to meet the Messers on the boardwalk. Avery fell asleep after just a few moments in the stroller and the boys chattered happily about all they planned to do that day.

"Dunner!" Ben hollered, letting go of the stroller and dashing across the boardwalk to his best friend.

"Binyin!"

They hugged each other happily, comparing outfits and stories about what had happened since the last time they saw each other.

"I haved Coco Puffs for breakfast."

"I had Engelheiden muffin-hoofers."

"What is that?"

"They is good for doctors and good for roofers. Daddy calls them English muffins."

"Oh. We have those with jelly sometimes. Ma, can we go on the beach now?"

"I thought you wanted to play some games."

"Yup!"

The ten of them headed off for the midway where the kids played games, losing every single one because they were rigged, but not really caring about that. They were only halfway through all the games when it started to get crowded, so they all headed for the beach, promising the kids they would be back later.

"Let's go swimming!" Colton said, kicking his sandals off and throwing his t-shirt to the ground. "C'mon daddy, swim with me so I don't drown!"

"Yeah daddy, you take me too!" Isa said, tugging on Danny's hand. "We can all go in the water!"

"Alright but it's going to be cold."

Fathers and children scampered off to the ocean while mothers gathered the discarded shoes and shirts and piled them up nicely before laying back on beach towels and letting out twin sighs.

"This is so nice," Austin sighed. "What are you staring at?"

"Adam. With his shirt off."

"Oh dear."

"What? You're starin' at Danny."

"I can't get enough."

"Yeah so quit mocking me."

"Has Adam been working out?"

"Mm-hmm."

"I think he's more ripped than Flack."

"So don't want to know how you know that."

Austin chuckled and shook her head while Avery stretched and grunted then started to cry when no one rescued her from the stroller.

"Come here, bug-a-boo," Austin said, reaching over and getting her out. "Hi pretty girl."

Avery smiled up at her, the pacifier falling out of her mouth and into the sand.

"I think she got my dimples," Austin teased.

"Nu-uh, those are mine!" Lindsay shot back, reaching out to touch her daughter's cheek.

"Nope, she got it from her aunt."

"Right because that makes sense."

Austin chuckled and took the cotton hat off of Avery's head.

"I can't believe she has enough hair for the Flintstones look. Shall we call you Pebbles, baby?"

Avery shoved her hand in her mouth in response and Austin kissed her forehead.

"How's your mom doing?" she asked Lindsay after a moment.

"She's pretty good. The surgery went well, the doctor thinks they got it all and she's up and around again."

"You were really worried about her for a while there."

"Yeah. I guess we just didn't know what to expect. It was really scary, but now we kind of know where things stand. She's keeping up on doctors appointments and meds and I really think she's going to be okay."

"That's good. Stressful though."

"Yeah, it is."

"Hey can I have my daughter?" Adam asked, reaching down to take Avery from Austin.

"Honey, you'd better hold her really tight if you take her out in that water."

"Don't worry, she'll be fine."

Lindsay sighed, knowing he was right, but not wanting her little girl anywhere near that ocean.

"She's grown up too fast huh?"

"She's not grown up, Austin."

"You know what I mean."

"Wasn't she born yesterday? She can't really be six months old already. Do you remember how little she was?"

Austin grinned and watched as Adam dipped Avery's toes in the water. She could hear the squeal of laughter ever from that far away and she chuckled.

"Is she a daddy's girl?"

"I think she's half and half right now but she's going to be a daddy's girl when she's older, I'm sure of it."

"She has your laugh."

"That's what everyone keeps saying."

"I miss having a baby in the house."

"You miss the crying and the pooping and the lack of sleep and the insane amounts of laundry and only ever having one hand free and did I mention all the drooling and the diapers?"

"Yeah but you forgot to mention the smiles and the snuggles and the milestones that are way better than any of those are bad."

"Very true."

They smiled together as Colton approached, carrying his very wet sister around the waist.

"She was splashin' and splashin' and then she was not happy," he reported, plopping the wiggling baby into the sand. Avery wailed and tried to scoot towards Lindsay, getting herself completely covered in sand in the process.

"Crazy daughter," Lindsay sighed, lifting Avery up and trying to brush the sand off of her. "You have sand in your tears."

"Sounds like the opening line to an Emo song."

Lindsay shook her head and tried to wipe the sand off of Avery's skin, but she knew it wasn't going to work out so well.

"Alright, back into the drink with you," she said, standing up and heading back to the water. Avery giggled when she was placed into the water, and Lindsay spent a few minutes getting as much sand off of her as she could. It would take a real bath tonight, but for now she couldn't stand the thought of rough sand on her baby's soft skin.

"There, that's better."

"Ba, ba, ba!" Avery said, pointing at Adam.

"Do you see daddy?"

Avery let out a happy squeal and Lindsay chuckled, standing up and making her way through the surf to Adam.

"Hey munchkin, I thought you were over the water," he said, leaning down to kiss Avery's cheek while keeping a tight hold on Ben's hand.

"Well we needed to wash up a little. We're going to go back where it's warm and dry but someone wanted to see you first."

"Well I appreciate that. Now did her mama want to see me too?"

Lindsay grinned and he leaned down to kiss her as another wave crashed over their legs.

"Her mama always wants to see you."

"Have I mentioned that I like the low-cutness of the top you've got on today?"

"You didn't have to mention it, I could see where your eyes were wandering this morning when I put it on."

"Oh really?"

"You're so not sly, Adam."

"I can't help it if you've got a lot going on for you there."

She gave him a smile and a wink before sashaying back across the beach.

* * *

They spent most of the day on the beach, the kids running between the water and sand castles, stopping occasionally for a snack. Adam and Danny kept them wrangled for the most part, and Austin and Lindsay spent the day putting sunscreen on every arm and leg they could grab for a few seconds. Avery took a long nap on a pile of towels, and Ben took a short nap with his head resting against the drink cooler. Colton and Isa constructed what they saw as a very intricate castle, complete with a moat while Sarah read a book and Junior dug a hole as deep as he could.

"Look! Ice-cream man!" Isa hollered, jumping up from the sand and pointing at the small ice-cream cart. "Can we get some?"

"Yeah, let's go."

The kids ran happily towards the small cart, looking at the pictures on the sides before making their decisions. Isa got the Powerpuff Girls popsicle with the bubble gum eyes, Sarah went for a fudge pop, and Ben and Junior both chose the Rocket popsicle. Colton scanned over his options several times, trying to decide what kind of thing he wanted before he finally pointed to a ChocoTaco.

"Are you sure you want that buddy?"

"Yep. I like chocolate and tacos."

"Alright then."

They brought the treats back to their spot in the sand and the kids all stood there, breaking into the wrappers. Colton took one bite of his ChocoTaco and made a face, then examined it closely before shrugging his shoulders and taking another bite. Ben stood there watching him, mouth agape as his popsicle melted and ran down his arm. He was strangely fascinated not only by the strange ice-cream treat but also by the fact that Colton didn't seem to enjoy it but was eating it anyway.

"Ben, are you going to eat your popsicle?"

He broke his gaze away from his brother for a moment to look at his melting dessert, then went back to staring at Colton again. Truly this was a very curious occurrence.

"This isn't very crunchy," Colton said, continuing to eat his treat. "It's bad ice-cream. Why would someone make this? I will never get one again. It doesn't taste like chocolate or tacos! This was the worst decision of my life."

He let out a long sigh and shook his head before wrapping the last bite up in the foil.

"I can't handle this anymore daddy. Take it away from me."

Adam laughed and put the offending object into the garbage can.

"There, is that better?"

"Yeah. I am never going exotic again."

Lindsay and Austin burst into laughter and clapped their hands over their mouths, their shoulders shaking.

"You have the strangest kids ever."

"I know. I really know."

* * *

It was early evening when they packed most of their stuff into the cars and headed back to the midway, planning on exploring the places they'd missed earlier. Colton and Ben especially begged to play all the games and as much as Adam told them they were rigged, they wouldn't let up. Finally he said they could each play one game. Colton immediately went to the ring toss, as they had had one at the school's end of the year carnival. He bought five rings for a dollar and concentrated on tossing them around the milk bottles. Not one ring even got close. He shrugged it off, happy that he had even been able to play one game. Ben on the other had approached every stand carefully, standing there and watching someone else play before he would walk away, saying that was not the game he wanted to play. Adam encouraged him to just pick something, and he finally chose a shooting game. He climbed up on the stool and examined the toy rifle that was affixed to the counter.

"Jus' tell me when ya want the game to start, champ."

Ben gave the old man a nod.

"Okay. Ready."

The game whirred to life and Ben took a deep breath, his tongue coming out of his mouth as he concentrated on shooting his targets.

"Wow, he's got your dead-eye, Linds," Austin commented as Ben hit every one of his targets.

"Hey champ, you got a bonus round!"

"That okay," he said with a grin. "I pick a prize?"

"Well that's fair enough. What prize would you like?"

He surveyed the wall for a few moments before pointing at a stuffed bear with a huge smile.

"That. White Teefy Da Bear."

"White Teethy The Bear, huh?" the man chuckled, retrieving the stuffed animal for him.

"Yup. Gots white teefs."

"Well I think that's a good name for him."

"Yep. Bye, mister."

He grabbed the bear around its neck and sighed happily.

"Can we go in the haunted house?" Isa squealed, jumping up and down.

"Yeah!" Junior shouted, pumping his fist in the air. "Wanna get scared!"

"I don't know guys, it might be too scary for you."

"Nu-uh! Colt will hold my hand!" Isa said. "We will be brave. Please daddy?"

In the end, Adam, Danny and Austin took the kids into the haunted house while Lindsay stayed outside with Avery and Sarah.

"Hey auntie, are we going to eat dinner soon?"

"Yeah I think so. It's getting kind of late isn't it?"

"Mm-hmm. Do you think we could have pancakes?"

"I don't know, maybe we can find a place."

Sarah nodded as Lindsay absentmindedly braided her hair.

"I'm gonna go to kindergarten after summer."

"I know. Are you excited?"

"Yeah. Will I be smart enough?"

"Sarahlove I think you're more than smart enough."

"Okay."

They fell into silence for a few moments before the rest of the kids came squealing out of the haunted house.

"Mama, things jumped out at us!" Colton reported breathlessly. "It was awesome!"

"Were you scared?"

"A little but it was so fun. Right Isa?"

"Yep. Us kids screamed and then daddy pinched mommy and she screamed and then we all laughed! You should been there Indy."

"That sounds like fun. What did you think, Ben?"

"Not scary," he said, holding his stuffed bear close.

"Oh really?"

"I gots White Teefy Da Bear with me. Nothing scary gonna hurt him with his big ol' smile."

"Oh, I understand."

"Should we go find some dinner?" Danny asked, stretching his arms over his head.

"Daddy, I told auntie I want to have pancakes."

"You know, there's that little breakfast joint further down that way. Kind of a walk, but we could make it. Everyone else want pancakes?"

The rest of the kids agreed, so the family made their way off the boardwalk and down some side streets until they came to the 24-hour breakfast place. It served other food too, but was mostly known for pancakes. They commandeered the largest table in the place and Ben made sure his new bear had a seat to sit in as well.

"Daddy," he whispered. "I know what I want."

"What do you want?"

He pointed down at the menu, indicating a dish in the appetizers section.

"You want hot wings?"

"Yeah."

"But they're spicy."

"It's okay."

"They'll make your mouth burn."

"I got it, daddy."

"Bud," he said, dropping his voice to a whisper. "It will hurt next time you go potty."

"Daddy, I handle it."

Adam gave Lindsay a look and she shrugged. They knew it was important to let the boys make their own mistakes, especially ones that weren't going to harm them, at least not too much.

"Okay you can get the hot wings."

He nodded seriously and patted his bear on the shoulder while the waitress came to take their orders. Everyone got pancakes or French toast, except for Ben who indicated to the waitress that he would like "the hot things."

"You really want those, kiddo?"

"Yup."

"Anything for your friend here?" she teased, pointing at his bear.

"No," he replied, as if she should know better. "He's stuffed."

She snickered at the double meaning in his words, and took the order back to the kitchen.

"Her thought my bear could eat," Ben whispered to Junior. "She's weird."

"Yeah, don't she know he can't open his mouth?"

"Yeah, duh."

* * *

It was late and dark by the time they arrived home. Colton was half asleep when they pulled into the driveway, Avery was completely conked out, and Ben was wide awake, holding onto his bear and staring out the window.

"Let's just put the kids to bed and worry about cleaning out the car tomorrow," Lindsay yawned, wishing Adam would carry her up to bed too.

"Mm-kay," he agreed, his energy completely sapped by the sun and the running around and the junk food. They sat quietly for a moment before getting out of the car. Adam reached in and got Colton while Lindsay helped Ben out, then reached in for Avery.

They made their way slowly upstairs and Adam helped the boys get changed while Lindsay put Avery in a fresh diaper and let her nurse for a few minutes to fall back to sleep.

"Hey babe? The boys have invoked the right of mama."

"Okay. Will you put her down then?"

"Yeah."

She handed the baby to him and went across the hall to the boys room.

"Ben gots to use the fire exit!" Colton said with a grin.

"Oh really?"

"Yup, because his mouth is on fire."

"Oh I see. Lay down so I can kiss you goodnight."

"Night mama. That was the funnest day at the beach in my life."

"I'm glad. Me too."

She kissed him softly and he hugged her before rolling over and going to sleep.

"Is your tummy feeling alright Ben?"

"Yeah."

"If you need me in the night, just holler okay?"

"Okay. You don't need to kiss me, mama."

"I don't?"

"Nope. White Teefy Da Bear will keep me safe tonight 'cuz he is happy. And that's what happened. You could kiss him though."

"Sorry hon. I'm not kissing anything that's been hanging in a carney stand for two years."

"He will 'tect me from monsters in the night."

"Oh, so you're saying you don't need your mama anymore?"

"Still need you to tie my shoes!"

Laughing she leaned down and hugged him tight.

"Benjamin, do you know how much I love you?"

"Yep. Bigger than the world."

"And I am gonna kiss you whether you like it or not."

"Aw mama!"

She made sure to give him extra kisses and snuggles before standing up from the bed.

"Goodnight Benjamin Ryan."

"Goodnight my mama."

Smiling, she made her way upstairs, making sure to leave the bedroom door open just a crack before exchanging her clothes for a long t-shirt and climbing into bed.

"Adam," she giggled as he scooted closer and nuzzled the back of her neck. She wasn't stupid, she knew exactly what he wanted.

"You smell good."

"Under normal circumstances I would be totally on the same page as you, but tonight I am going to have to pass because I can't keep my eyes open long enough."

"Oh alright."

"But I'll make you a deal."

"What's that?"

"You let me sleep now and you can wake me up extra early in the morning."

"Oh yeah?"

"By any means you prefer."

"I like that your dirty talk has no dirty words whatsoever."

She smiled and turned to kiss him, lingering just a bit longer than usual because she felt bad for turning him down.

"I love you Adam."

"I love you too. Hurry up and go to sleep."

Their shared, soft laughter followed her all the way into her dreams.


	176. Chapter 176

A/N: Sorry this had taken so long guys. I have ideas, I am just having a terrible time writing because… well… I don't want to make Avery grow up. Isn't that sad? I know she's their last baby so I'm taking my sweet time. I am also pathetic.

* * *

"But when will they be here?" Colton whined, holding onto the counter and letting his feet slide under him.

"In a little bit, just like I told you before."

"I wanna see grampa and Gigi and Hannah."

"I know you do, but whining at me isn't going to make them get here faster."

"Mama is Hannah really going to stay with us for a lot of days?"

"Yeah, for a week. And your cousin Tessa will be here too."

"But grampa and Gigi are not staying?"

"They'll be here for two days and then they're going to London to see grampa's brother and then they're coming back."

"Grampa's got a brother?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't know that! I didn't know grampas could have brothers."

"Of course they can. Uncle Freddy is papa's brother."

"Oh yeah, I forgotted. Mama will I be a grampa someday?"

"Yeah, you will."

"Hmm. What will you be then?"

"Then I will be a great-grandma."

"Will you get gray hair?"

"Probably."

"I think you will be very beautiful with gray hair, mama."

"Thanks buddy," she chuckled, leaning down to kiss him. "Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure!"

"Can you go and get the newspaper off the front porch?"

"Yup. Be right back."

He dashed out the front door and Ben sighed from his spot on the barstool.

"Mama?"

"Yeah?"

"I not get the paper?"

"I only asked Colton because he was standing right there. You can get it next time."

"I a big boy too. Stand up when I pee-pee."

She hid her laugh and nodded.

"I know you're a big boy. I promise you can get the paper tomorrow."

"Oh, okay. I so hungry. Time for dinner now?"

"In a little while. Do you want to fold the napkins for me?"

"I would like to, mama."

She handed him some linen napkins and he folded them into triangles, just like she'd taught him. He hummed as he worked and Lindsay chuckled as she recognized the theme song. Clearly when Adam said he'd spent the day with the boys it meant he'd been educating them on the finer points of every TV show he deemed essential to a young boys repertoire.

"They're here!" Colton declared, coming back inside and dropping the paper on the counter. "I just seen them drive up! Can I go outside and help bring all their junk in?"

"Yeah, but don't call it junk in front of Gigi."

"Okay. C'mon Ben, gonna need help. You are gettin' strongish."

"I are?"

"Yup, you are. Let's go!"

They ran out the back door and Lindsay chuckled, dropping a handful of Cheerios onto the highchair tray. Avery shrieked and grabbed for them, gumming one happily as she bounced up and down.

"I can't believe how big you are, sweetie," Lindsay remarked, fixing the hair clip that had become a prisoner of the auburn curls.

"Mmm," Avery responded, inspecting a Cheerio.

"Is that all the opinion you have on the subject?"

"Dada!" she squealed, spotting Adam as he came in the door. He gave her a wave and moved into the living room with the luggage. "Dada? Dada!"

"I'm coming honey, just give me a second."

She sighed and tried to look around the corner.

"Dada!"

"Averylin, daddy will be here in just a minute, you don't need to shout."

She made a pouting face instead and Lindsay chuckled, lifting her out of the seat.

"Alright bean, we'll go see daddy."

"Dada!"

They went out into the living room and Avery kicked her legs happily and yelled for Adam again. He took her and kissed her cheek before she nuzzled into his neck and sighed softly.

"Dada."

"I was only gone for an hour, Tink."

She giggled and held her hand out for Lindsay, wanting them both at the same time. She could never decide who she wanted and they spent more time passing her between them than they did actually holding her.

"Hey mama, let's eat dinner!" Colton hollered, slamming the back door. "Everyone is hungry!"

"Well if you want to go set the table, then we'll eat."

He gave a long sigh and ran the back of his hand across his forehead.

"I gotta do it all. Ben wanna help?"

"Nope," Ben decided from his spot in Hannah's arms. "Got Hannah. You do, Cole."

"No one is helpful 'round this place 'cept for me," he muttered as he went into the kitchen. "I always gotta do all the things and I don't even get no money for it like the other kids. What is up with that even?"

They could hear him getting plates out of the cupboard and stacking them on the counter before he took them two at a time to the table.

"He sounds just like you, Adam."

"Mom, that's not very nice. You know I was the most helpful kid on the block. Remember that time I took out the trash?"

"You mean the time you took out the trash and dragged the leaking bag all over my carpet?"

"Hey, I was helping!"

"Sure, whatever son. Can I have my granddaughter now?"

"Yeah. Avery, go see your Gigi."

"Gigi, you hold sissy safe, right?" Ben asked. He was becoming more and more protective of his sister every day and often coached people on how to hold her right. He'd even gotten after Mac for holding her facing out instead of in.

"Yeah, don't worry."

"Okay. Because she is just little."

"Yes, I know. You used to be this little too."

"Nu-uh, Gigi! I are big boy!"

"You are now, but you used to be a baby."

"Mama?"

"She's right, you used to be a tiny little baby. So did Colton. So did I and so did daddy."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "This not real."

"Sorry buddy, that's life. We were all babies at some point."

"Pictures or it not happen."

"You've seen pictures. You refused to believe it was you."

"Hannah, I was a baby?"

"Yeah, you were."

"I don't enjoy this."

"You two are cursed with opinionated children."

"Yeah, we've been discovering that. It's interesting to say the least."

* * *

"You look like you've got something to talk about son," Dave noted, once all the kids were being tucked into bed and Hannah was in the other room on the phone. "Is something wrong?"

Adam sighed and shook his head, not really sure how to go about telling his parents what had happened. He hated talking about his father in front of the man that he called his dad, simply because he felt it was almost insulting. Dave hadn't raised him at all, but he'd been there for him more in the last fifteen years than his father had been in his life. It seemed wrong to call someone else "father" even if he meant it in the least respectful way. He would rather believe that the stork dropped him on his mother's doorstep and the first years of his life were just a nightmare and hadn't really happened.

"Adam."

"My father's been calling again. A lot. It was getting to be about every other day. And he would always beg to see me so I figured I might as well get it over with."

"You saw him?" Sharon asked skeptically. She knew even better than Adam did what a manipulator his father was.

"I did. I figured since telling him over the phone wasn't working, maybe face to face would. I told him I didn't want to see him and I didn't want him to call and he had no place in my life."

"And how did he take that?"

"He seemed to take it fine, which means he didn't take it well at all. He hasn't called since, but I'm a little worried about what's coming. I don't know if he's suddenly going to call back again or if he'll start calling you. I'm just not sure, so I thought you should know."

There was a long silence before Sharon spoke.

"He called last week."

"He did?"

"I wasn't sure it was him at first, he kept asking if it was me and I was about to hang up and then he started yelling. He said that I had to do something about you because you didn't want to have anything to do with him and how could I have brainwashed you to hate him so much. I did hang up eventually, but I'm beginning to wonder if he won't come down to Phoenix."

"Okay, so if he came down, what would he do?" Dave asked, defensive for his family, but not actually worried for their safety.

"I don't know. I don't know if he would do anything but harass me. But he's been violent in the past."

"Honey, he couldn't get into the house. He has to have a passcode to get past the gates to even get into the neighborhood."

"I know that. But what if he finds me somewhere else?"

"What would he do then?"

"Yeah mom. He's a lot older now. The years have not been kind. He's put on a lot of weight, he walks with a limp. I don't think he could hurt you like he used to."

"You don't understand," she said softly. "You don't know."

"You think I don't know, mom? I know what he did to me. I know how he is."

"Adam, honey, you don't remember everything. You don't know all that he did."

"Okay, then tell me. Tell us both why you're suddenly so scared again."

"He pulled a gun on me. The first time I tried to leave him. I was pregnant with you. He held that gun right against my stomach and told me he would pull the trigger if I tried to leave. Any time that I tried to leave after that, he'd do the same thing. Point the gun at you, use you as a bargaining chip. I know you don't remember but one time I did make it out. Made it as far as the front gate before he found me. I was holding you and trying to get away. He drug me back inside and he held that gun on me all night long. He made me stand against the wall and every time I moved, he'd pull the trigger. It was like Russian Roulette, I had no idea when the bullet would be in the chamber. I stood like that until morning when he got bored with it and locked us in the bedroom so he could go to work. He could be old and in pain but he could still have a gun. He didn't manipulate just with his fists, Adam."

A silence fell over the room and Adam took a deep breath. He'd often wondered if something like this had happened, but figured she would have told him if it had. He wanted to go to her and apologize for blaming her for not leaving, but he couldn't move. All he could do was sit there, imagining what it was like for her, alone in that house way out in the country, the closest neighbor at least half a mile away, no where to go to get away. Being so tortured that eventually all plans to get out were thwarted with the thought that he might get them. He might kill them. Up until this point he didn't really understand why it had been so hard for her. But now he did, and he had a great desire to see his father again, simply to show him what real fear was like.

* * *

Lindsay watched out of the corner of her eye as Adam changed his clothes and threw them in the hamper, running his fingers through his hair. She'd been halfway down the stairs and heard everything his mom had said, but she couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking and feeling right now. She stood up from the bed and crossed the room to where he was starting to pace and put a hand on his arm. Neither of them said a word as he wrapped her tightly in his arms, letting out a long, sad sigh. They stood there for a few minutes before he reached up and framed her face with his hands.

"Linds, honey, have I ever hurt you?"

"No Adam. Never."

"You swear to me, I have never hurt you. Not in any way?"

"Sweetie, no. We've had our fights but you have never hurt me, Adam. Not like your father hurt your mom. Not even close."

"You heard it?"

She gave a slight nod and he rested his forehead against hers.

"I don't know how you can claim to love someone and do that to them."

"You don't know because that's not love. And you love me, Adam, so behavior like that doesn't make sense to you. It's never going to, but you have to remember that he didn't love her. She was a thing to him, something he owned. He never loved her the way you love me. And if you're worried that you'll be like him, stop. You're not him and it is absolutely impossible for you to be like him at all."

"Thank you."

"Now, come to bed. No more talk about that pathetic human being in this house. You understand me?"

"I like when you get protective."

She gave him a little smile as they turned off the lights and curled up together.

"So let me ask you a question," she started, pulling at the blankets until she had wrestled half away from him. "How do you feel about your baby sister having a boyfriend?"

He gave a disapproving grunt and shook his head.

"She's too young. I don't know what they're thinking letting her date."

"Oh Adam, it's not a big deal. She's fourteen, she's going to want a boyfriend."

"That doesn't mean she should have one. And really, what does dating mean when you're that young?"

"I don't know if you want me to answer that, but I will say there's gonna be some kissin'."

"No little punk is kissing my sister."

"Well you'd better talk to her then because she asked me how to do it."

"How to kiss? What did you tell her? You had better not have told her how to kiss the way you do it."

"Now what's wrong with the way I do it?"

"Nothing if we want every teenage boy chasing after her."

"Well I didn't tell her how to kiss like I do. I told her that when it's the right time it will come naturally and until then she should just wait."

"So apparently you weren't ready for your first kiss."

"Shut up. In an ideal world is all I am saying."

"And how long do you think she'll listen to that?"

"She actually looked relieved. I think a talk from her beloved big brother might cement things a little."

"I don't want to talk to her about that!"

"Well pluck up the courage mister because she's going to ask you."

"What, ask me how to kiss?"

"No, ask you what you think. Your opinion means a lot to her and she loves you and wants to make you happy. If you told her to break up with her boyfriend, she would. By the way, don't tell her that."

"I won't. Mostly it just makes me feel old."

"Wait until Avery starts dating."

"Silence, woman."

"You've got a while before you have to worry about it."

"Yeah, hopefully about fifty years."

"You keep telling yourself that, babe. I'm sure she'll be completely happy as a single middle aged woman."

"She'd better be."

Lindsay rolled her eyes and shook her head, having had this conversation at least twelve times since Avery was born. Adam wasn't completely serious of course, but the idea of his little girl growing up scared him.

He sighed and brushed her hair back from her face.

"I just want her to find someone that loves her as much as I love you, and I don't think that's possible. I don't think anyone could love someone as much as I love you."

"I don't think so either, but let's hope for the sake of all our kids that it's possible."

He smiled and pressed his nose to hers until she giggled.

"And now we shall stop talking about it simply because talking about it could make it all go faster."

"You're a superstitious man, Adam Ross."

"Not superstitious. Just a little stitious."

"Super dork."

"Well yeah," he muttered, leaning down to kiss her.

There was a small knock on the door and Lindsay sat up.

"Who is it?"

"Me Ben. I could come in if the door is closed?"

"Yeah, go ahead and come in."

The door creaked open and he ran over to the bed climbing onto it and snuggling in between them.

"Cole and sissy both snorin' in there. Cannot sleep."

"Well daddy snores too," Lindsay chuckled.

"Daddy's snorin' sound like a garbage dumper truck."

"Yeah, it's pretty loud, huh?"

"Yup."

"Well how are you going to sleep through daddy's snoring?"

"Daddy gots a rhythm. It okay."

Adam chuckled and kissed his son's hair.

"Thanks for the support little man."

"You got music for snoring. I think I will sleep here tonight, okay?"

"Well I was kissin' on your mama…"

"Save it for when you wake up daddy."

"I guess you could sleep in here for one night."

"That is awesome. Goodnight guys. Don't roll over and smush me."

"Thanks for the advice buddy."

They both watched him quietly as he fell asleep, their minds going to the same place. How could someone, angry or not, not do everything to love and protect their own flesh and blood? What had to be wrong with a person to treat someone in such horrible ways? And how could they ever protect their own kids from that kind of false love once they were grown up and out in the world, where that kind of thing was common and ran rampant?


	177. Chapter 177

"Hey! Is anyone home around here?" Austin hollered, walking in the front door and slamming it behind her.

"We're upstairs!" Lindsay shouted back. "Putting on tons of eyeliner and perfecting the Rachel hairdo."

"As much as you want to be 14 again Linds, it's not 1994 anymore."

"Don't speak such blasphemy!"

Austin chuckled as she and her niece Dallas made their way up the stairs. With Hannah and Tessa both in town for a week, and Dallas visiting for a long weekend, Lindsay and Austin had decided to take the girls out shopping. It wouldn't be all that thrilling, but the girls were excited.

"Oh my word, are you listening to Ace of Base?"

"I wanted the girls to know what life was like for us when we were their age."

"You want to emotionally scar them?" Austin asked, half horrified as she teasingly pulled her niece close.

"Hey, it's better than the flashback to the 80's I used to subject Tessa to."

"Yeah, believe me, anything is better than that. She used to Rick Roll me before Rick Rolling had even been invented."

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna-"

"Shut up!"

Lindsay giggled as Austin introduced all the girls to each other.

"So I thought we could take the girls to Juliannes after we shop," Austin suggested, grabbing Lindsay's curling iron.

"That's a good idea. Wanna know what's not a good idea? You holding a hot object."

"Watch out, I'll poke you with a hot object."

"Austin you're gonna-"

"I burned myself!"

"You're three."

"No Linds, this really hurts. Holy crap you stick your hair in that?"

"Let me see."

"No, you'll hurt it more!"

"Austin Messer if I am allowed to bandage your children, I am allowed to bandage you. Now let me see it."

Austin relinquished her hand and Lindsay examined it carefully with a sigh.

"How do you always manage to hurt yourself?"

"I don't know, I'm an idiot. Lemme put water on it."

"That's not going to help. Come with me."

"Where are you taking me?" Austin whined, following Lindsay out of the room while the girls giggled and continued to play with the make up that was sitting on the counter.

"I'm going to make sure you don't scar. Now come in here."

Austin followed her into the kitchen with a frown, jumping up to sit on the counter when Lindsay pointed at it.

"Isn't this where you put the kids when they scrape their knees?"

"Yes. And that should tell you just what I think about your mishap."

Austin stuck her tongue out at her friend but couldn't help grinning afterwards.

"What are you doing with that honey? Are you going to bury me up to my neck and let ants crawl all over me?"

"Honey is a natural antiseptic and it pulls the burn out too. Give me your hand."

"I don't like where you're going with this young lady."

"Oh my word," Lindsay sighed, shaking her head and grabbing Austin's injured hand, squeezing some honey onto it and spreading it over the burn with a spoon.

"Can I lick it?"

"What, your hand?"

"No, the spoon. Also my hand."

"You can have the spoon little girl, but you can't lick your hand unless you want people to think you're a cat."

"Meow."

"You're lucky I love you so much you freak."

Austin grinned and slid off the counter wrapping her arms around her best friend.

"Yep, I am pretty lucky."

"Don't get honey in my hair."

"Hey, I'm hugging you elusively dude, honey in your hair is secondary. And just think of it this way, you're stuck with me."

"I guess I can live with that. But don't tell no one, m'kay?"

"You've been listening to Reba this morning, haven't you?" Austin asked, backing away.

"How did you know?"

"You twanged."

"You know me better than I know myself."

"Are we leaving?" Tessa asked as the girls came down the stairs. "You can't tease me with New York shopping and then not come through on it Aunt Linds."

"Okay, we're going."

"Are we taking the tiniest munchkin with us?" Austin asked, giggling as Tessa and Lindsay both slipped into cowboy boots.

"Nah, Adam took her with them to the park. She wasn't happy about it."

"I thought she was a daddy's girl."

"She is but she was having issues with the fact that her mama wasn't going too."

"She wants to have her cake and eat it too?"

"Yes."

"She is so your daughter."

"Shuddup, she learned it from you."

"Oh my word," Dallas said, rolling her eyes. "You two are like the Golden Girls."

"As long as I'm not Blanche," Lindsay shrugged.

"You're more like a Rose if you want me to be honest."

"And you are a Dorothy."

"I am going to punch you so hard."

Lindsay giggled and grabbed her keys off the hook by the door.

"Alright, let's go. Hannah, no calling the boyfriend, this is girls day."

"I can't help that he's addicted to me," Hannah shrugged.

"Think you've been hanging around Lindsay too much," Dallas deadpanned. Lindsay gave her an amused grin as the five of them left the house.

* * *

"Linked arm walking has never proved successful for us," Lindsay sighed as Austin hopped on one foot, putting her flip-flop back on.

"It would be fine if you wouldn't step on my foot."

"Then stop walking like a drunk."

Austin giggled as they caught up with the girls who were standing by a store window, gazing in at the shoes.

"They're too expensive," Lindsay called out to them.

"Pish-tosh," Tessa said, pointing at the Jimmy Choos in the window. "They're orange."

"Your father would kill me if you came home with shoes like that. He'd think I was tryna sell you at the kissin' booth at the fair."

"If I got to wear those shoes, I don't think I would mind."

"Tessa Monroe."

"What? Those are nice shoes."

"Look at that price tag, grasshopper."

"Ouch. Okay, moving on."

"That's a good girl."

They made their way further down the street, the teenagers giggling over boys and music, as if they had known each other their whole lives.

"Think we would have been like that?" Lindsay asked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"We are like that Lin."

"No, I mean when we were younger would we have been friends?"

"I think it depends on when we met. If we'd known each other forever we would have been. Middle school, not so much. High school could have been okay."

"I like to think that we would have always been like we are now, but I guess we couldn't have gone through the things we've gone through to get to the place we are now if we were friends back then."

"You're blowin' my mind here, Ross."

"We could have been friends in an alternate universe."

"Adam told you about alternate universes, didn't he?"

"Nah, I knew about them before I knew about him. I'm not a complete sci-fi virgin."

"Pick spot on ground and stare."

Lindsay chuckled and closed her eyes, breathing in the New York air.

"You used to choke when you did that," Austin noted. "Told me you were gonna get cancer just from tryna breathe."

"Yeah, you told me to shut my dirty rotten mouth."

"I think that was one of the first times we ever did anything not work related."

"And life hasn't been the same since."

"We were awkward when we first met."

"I was scared of you."

"You were scared of me? Really?"

"Well not scared," Lindsay clarified. "Intimidated."

"Why?"

"Because you had your life together. You had a place you fit in. You had people who worshipped the ground you walked on. I was just the country bumpkin in the big bad city. You could hold your own and I didn't even know what my own was."

"I had to work for it, Linds. You just kind of fell into it."

"I faked it. I felt completely out of place for a long time."

"Until you met Adam."

"Yeah. But even after that. You guys were all connected and together and Adam and I were the outsiders."

"That's probably part of why you two bonded so fast."

"Possibly. We talked about that a lot. Neither of us felt like we belonged for a long time."

"When did it happen?"

"Um… probably about the time you and Danny got married."

"That long huh?"

"Yeah."

Austin didn't say anything, just nodded.

"It wasn't you," Lindsay explained. "I always felt fine with you, I mean after a little while. It was just the entire dynamic I guess. Or maybe it was me. I don't know. I guess it doesn't matter now."

"If you ever felt like that again, you would tell me, right?"

"Of course I would. But why would I feel like that again?"

"I dunno. Sometimes when you get sad you go into your little emotional hidey-hole and don't come out for a while. I don't know if it's because you're avoiding or you think we don't want you."

"I don't know either. It's hard to remember how it feels when I'm not in it."

"Well let's hope you don't ever remember how it feels."

"Okay."

"I mean, I'll always be there if you do."

"I know."

They dropped the subject for now, knowing they would probably pick it up again in a few months. It wasn't something they liked to dwell on, but they knew that talking about it in the good times was just as important as talking about it in the bad times.

"I want ice-cream," Dallas said suddenly.

"It's not even noon yet," Austin replied, surprising herself. Dallas, Hannah and Tessa all gave her the same look and she turned to Lindsay, her mouth agape.

"Did I just say no to ice-cream?"

"I think you did."

"Why?"

"I am having a hard time understanding your motivations right now."

"Okay, let's have ice-cream!"

* * *

"And this, girls, is the place where New York gets all of its oxygen," Austin announced as they stepped into Central Park.

"What, are these the only trees until you get to Jersey?" Hannah asked, looking around.

"Hush you. Did Lindsay tell you to slip Jersey into every conversation just to tick me off?"

"Yeah."

"Well it's working."

"Hey, you're the one that always teases me about Manhattan, Montana," Lindsay reminded her. "Like I can control what a bunch of hicks named their city a hundred years ago."

"But it's ironic," Austin said. "Irony is funny, right?"

"You can take the girl out of Montana but you can't stick her in Manhattan… no wait. Seriously Austin, the joke gets old."

"Then you gotta quit leaving me "If this is Austin I still love you" voicemails."

"Never."

"Okay then."

"You two are really, really weird," Dallas noted with a shake of her head. "Uncle Danny wasn't exaggerating."

"Danny, exaggerate? Never!"

"Perish the thought."

"Why don't you two weirdos go away?" Dallas asked. "Us normal people are going to go and sit on that bench until you're not an embarrassment anymore."

"I thought you wanted to go to Strawberry Field to get a picture for your dad."

"I do, but we can wait until the two of you are appropriate for a public place."

"We're appropriate," Lindsay assured her. "I'll keep Austin in line, don't worry. Austin don't kick me."

They made their way west to the John Lennon memorial, where Austin and Lindsay sat down on a bench and watched the girls explore.

"I feel younger today," Austin sighed.

"You're acting younger. Stop kicking me."

"What, do you feel older?"

"Yeah. Not in a bad way. I guess I just feel bad because there's a lot of Tessa's growing up that I've missed. She was four when I left and I haven't been around since. She was so little, she didn't really understand, and I remember her crying when I said goodbye. I mean, she was sobbing and begging me not to leave her. I'd talk to her on the phone and she would cry when I had to go. I missed her too, but I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to go back to Montana. But if I had known that it was going to be like this, that I would miss so much, I would have thought about staying."

"I missed a lot with Dallas too. She's my niece, I should know everything about her, be her best friend, you know? I wasn't there for her either."

"I don't think they hold it against us."

"Probably not. Hannah probably took it hard when Adam left, huh?"

"Yeah. He was her hero. Still is. I don't think a little sister has ever idolized her brother more."

"He's pretty good to idolize."

"She's a major daddy's girl, but she would lay down and die for her big brother."

"He'd do the same for her."

"No hesitation. He told me once that he didn't really love anyone until he held her for the first time."

"Danny never says stuff like that."

"He doesn't have to, you already know."

"I guess that's true."

"You were there for all the big moments of his life. You got to see it happen. He doesn't have to tell you about it."

"Yeah but I would like to hear about it sometimes."

"Then ask him."

"Nah, he wouldn't say."

"Yeah he would."

"How do you know?"

"Because we talked a lot when you were gone. I asked him things and he answered."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"You."

"Oh."

"He just needed an ear, Aust. He missed you."

"I know."

"I don't mean to make you feel bad. I'm just saying that you should ask him stuff if you want to know."

"Yeah."

"Aust?"

"Hmm?"

"He's always gonna love you."

"Yeah, I know. I guess sometimes I just look at you and Adam and I see something different than what Danny and I have."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know. I guess it's just how you talk to each other. The two of you talk about everything. I think sometimes you overtalk things. Danny and I, we just kind of let it be unspoken. We know what the other is thinking and that's that. You and Adam know what the other is thinking but you talk about it. You know what he's thinking but you also know how he's feeling. Danny and I don't have that part. The feeling part."

"You've done pretty well without it."

"I guess."

"I think you know better than you think you do, Austin. Neither of you may say the words, but you both know. And that's okay."

"Yeah. It's not bad, just different. I guess I just get a little jealous of how you and Adam have those midnight conversations. Danny and I don't really do that."

"Then start."

Austin smiled and drew her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on them gently.

"Do you have things that bug you too?"

"You mean in marriage? Yeah."

"Like what?"

Lindsay sighed and picked at her fingernails for a moment before she answered.

"I hate that we've both been with other people. I hate that the first time isn't something we shared together. I wish it was. I really wish it was."

"Do you think it's hurt your relationship?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Mm-hmm. It's always going to be there. We can't get rid of it. No matter how long Adam and I are together it doesn't erase the fact that at some point in our lives we thought we were in love with other people. And sure, that happens all the time but for me… it just really hurts. It hurts to know that there's a part of me he'll never have because I gave it to someone else."

"Does it bother you that he's had others?"

"Sometimes. We've talked about it, I know all about his relationships and he knows all about mine, but sometimes it hurts that I don't know everything. I wish I would have saved it for him and that he would have saved it for me. I guess hindsight is 20/20."

"Do you think that's why you guys are so um… close in that way?"

"Prude. And yeah. I think it's like we're trying to erase all of the past or something. To me, it never meant anything until it was with him. At least it didn't mean what I thought it did. And he knows that. He knows how much I cherish him and how much more important he is to me than anyone else has ever been. I think in some ways it makes us stronger too because we don't take each other for granted."

"I don't think I've ever seen two people more in love than you are."

"Right back at you."

"Our kids are really lucky."

"Adam and I were talking about that the other night. Wondering if they would ever find this kind of love."

"I don't think any of them will settle for less."

"I like our talks."

"So do I. Let's never stop having them."

* * *

"And mama, I'm not done with my story! After we were playing at the park we went to the store and daddy let me and Ben pick a candy to share. And we picked Butterfinger. And when we came home daddy cut it in half and I got the butter part and Ben got the finger!"

"Yup, got the finger," Ben added with a nod. "Tasty."

Lindsay smiled and nodded, storing that one for future reference. Isa, Sarah, and Junior were chattering to Austin about their day at home with Danny and from the squealing Lindsay guessed they were just as excited about what they had done as Ben and Colton were.

"Mama, daddy take sissy on slide! Goed zoomin' fast. Sissy laugh and laugh. Face turned red!"

"She must have really liked the slide, huh?"

"Yup. That why she so conked out," he explained, climbing up onto the couch next to her and patting his sister's back. "She cute when she sleepin'. Yucky drool gettin' on your shirt, mama."

"That's okay, I can wash it later."

"She miss you. She love you most, mama."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

"Did you miss me today too?"

"No, I miss Hannah. She my Hannah."

"Oh, I understand."

"I go see her now?"

"Well the girls are all upstairs talking about boys. I guess you can go knock and see if you can go in but if they say no I don't want you to pitch a fit, alright?"

"Mama, if Ben goes upstairs I wanna go too and see my cousin Tessa!"

"Well…"

"I will go up there and see Dallas!" Isa added. "Why are those girls all up there in secret anyway?"

"Because that's what girls do, dear," Austin said with a grin.

"Yeah but girls is supposed to make dinner and the daddies are makin' dinner tonight!" Isa protested, her hands on her hips.

"I don't have an answer for that."

"Then we're goin' upstairs!"

Colton and Isa led the rest of the kids up the stairs and their mothers sighed, figuring they wouldn't fight it anymore. They propped their aching feet up on the coffee table and sat in silence for several minutes, both too tired for conversation.

"Where are the kids?" Adam asked as he and Danny came out of the kitchen.

"Upstairs. Where's your aprons?"

"In the trash."

Austin nodded as if this was an acceptable answer as they guys plunked down next to their wives.

"So you gave Ben the finger?" Lindsay asked with a yawn.

"I did no such thing!"

"The Butterfinger."

"Heh, oh yeah."

"I also hear he lets your kids run naked around the house," Danny commented.

"What? It was hot out!"

"No one lets me run naked around the house."

"Daniel, that's disgusting," Austin sighed. "And I'll tell you the real answer later."

"Oh gross," Lindsay protested, wrinkling her nose.

"You don't leave much to the imagination either," Austin reminded her.

"Excuse me?" Adam asked, wondering if he'd heard right.

"Don't worry about it babe. At least I'm not a liar."

"Danny, I think we need to put a no contact order between these two."

"I think you're right."

"Thou shalt not remove thy wife from her best friend for if thou doth, thou shalt feel the wrath of both merry wenches."

"You just called yourself a wench."

"It means independent woman."

"If you were independent you wouldn't need Austin."

"Don't speak of such things."

"Yeah Adam we're attached at the hip. Separation surgery will most surely kill us both. Are you willing to risk that?"

"I'm weighing pros and cons here."

Austin was too far away to smack him and Lindsay was too tired so they shot him evil looks instead.

"Hey, where's dinner? I thought you two were in there burnin' it."

"We were. It's in the oven. Don't get all womanly on us. We took care of your children all day long. What did you two hens do, shop?"

Lindsay turned to Danny and Adam backed away, knowing this was going to be bad.

"Wanna rephrase that?"

"Your uh… feet must hurt from all that walkin'. You two should just rest now. We'll bring you dinner. Don't bother gettin' up to go to the table."

"Wow Linds, I couldn't get him to take that back if I tried for the rest of my life."

"Yeah well, I've seen her backhand a suspect. She'd do it to me if she could reach me."

"I can reach you," Austin countered.

"Yeah but you'd still love me after. Linds would hold a grudge."

"Yep, I would," she confirmed as Avery woke up and let out an unhappy squawk. "See, she agrees with me."

"Nah, she's mad that you're raggin' on me."

"She doesn't care about you."

"Yeah she does. She loves her uncle Danny."

"She loves her uncle Danny's credit card."

"Spendin' too much time with you two," he said as the oven timer went off in the kitchen. "Guess that's our cue, cupcake."

They got up from the couch and Avery whined, reaching out for Adam.

"Dada!"

"You cry all day about wanting your mama, and then when you have her you want me again?"

"Dada," she repeated, giving him a frown until he picked her up and took her with him into the kitchen.

"I don't think she's a daddy's girl so much as she doesn't want to be left behind."

"Maybe she has been spending too much time with us."


	178. Chapter 178

"Boys, I really need you to be good today when we go to the dentist," Lindsay said, fastening Ben's sandal. "I need you to sit quietly in the waiting room and do everything the dentist asks you to."

"What is the dentist like?" Colton asked warily. "I don't want someone putting their fingers in my mouth."

"I know that. I should have taken you to the dentist a long time ago but I just kept forgetting. All he's going to do is look at your teeth and make sure they're clean."

"Will it hurt?"

"No, it's not a big deal. He might use a spit sucker on you too."

"What about scary drills like in that book we read?"

"No, he shouldn't need to use drills today. He's just going to make your teeth shiny and clean."

"Will you go in there with me, mama? And hold my hand if I get scared?"

"We'll see. I think you're going to be brave enough."

"Okay. What about Ben?"

"We'll see what happens. Are you ready to go, Ben?"

He shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Not goin' mama. Sissy go for me."

"Sissy doesn't have any teeth for the dentist to look at. Now you wanted to be a big boy and this is part of being a big boy."

"No. I a baby now."

He took his glasses off and put them on the table then curled up on the floor and pretended to cry.

"Benjamin, that's enough."

"I are a baby! Wahhh!"

Lindsay just stared at him for a moment, not quite sure what to do in this situation. Had it been Colton acting like this she could have told him that babies didn't get ice-cream after the trip to the dentist. Ben wouldn't care. He would keep up this act as long as he could.

"Well you're a baby with teeth so you get to go to the dentist too," she said finally, taking his hand and hauling him up from the floor. "And you're a baby who is going to get a time out if he doesn't settle down."

Ben frowned at her and put his glasses back on, then took her hand without further argument as they went outside. The dentists office was in walking distance, and there was a cool breeze blowing, so they made their way leisurely there. The boys seemed to forget about the whole ordeal as they spotted things on the street, laughing about the dogs running in the park and the old man that was chasing them. Avery was asleep in the stroller, her head tipped to the side and her little legs dangling over the edge. She'd been sleeping a lot the past few weeks, probably on the verge of a growth spurt. Lindsay didn't want her to grow right now, she wanted to keep her little for as long as she could. She was already trying to crawl and pull herself up to stand. It was going too fast. She was still cuddly when she got tired, wanting to be held and loved on by anyone who had the time. And there were no shortage of arms to hold her. Colton rocked her to sleep for her afternoon nap almost every day. He told her stories and kissed her cheeks as she fell asleep and she would stare up at him as if he was the greatest thing she had ever seen. Ben loved his sister too, and doted on her constantly. He got upset when she cried and he was always the first one to know when she was going to wake up. The boys loved their sister and Lindsay knew that Avery loved them right back. The three of them would always be close.

"Okay boys, remember what I said. Best behavior."

"Yes, mama," they both agreed, nodding their heads and going inside. Lindsay checked in at the desk and the boys found chairs to sit on, each grabbing a book to look at while they waited. It was only about ten minutes before the dentist called them back, suggesting they all go together, since it was the boys first time at the dentist.

"Alright, Colton, you look like you're pretty brave. You want to hop up into that chair first?"

"Yup, I will do that. See Ben, this is cool."

Ben remained unconvinced and kept his hands tightly clasped in his lap. The dentist pulled the light over and gave Colton a pair of sunglasses to wear.

"Looks like you've already lost some teeth."

"Yup, they are just fallin' out like nobody's business. But see how my grownup tooth is comin' in that one spot? How does it look?"

"It looks pretty good. You brush your teeth three times a day?"

"Yep, I do! I like to get them clean because I don't want my breath to smell bad like the dogs."

"How about flossing?"

"I tried that one time and I am not good at it so daddy has to help me."

"That's good. Can you open your mouth so I can get a better look?"

"Are you gonna use all them utensils over there?"

"I am, but would it make you feel better if you knew what they all were?"

"Yes please. That hook looks scary."

The dentist showed him everything on the tray, explaining what it was and how he would use it and what it would feel like. Colton nodded in understanding and finally opened his mouth.

"Mama?" Ben whispered, tapping her shoulder. "It hurtin' Cole?"

"Nope, it doesn't hurt. You just have to remember not to squirm."

"Okay."

"Well it looks like you've got one more wiggly tooth on the side there."

"Yep, I saw that this mornin' when I was brushin'! Daddy says I still have to take care of it until it falls out."

"Your daddy's right about that."

The dentist worked for a little while, checking every tooth, then cleaning and polishing them all.

"There, how does that feel?"

"I feel like the gum commercial when the people have a dirty mouth and they have to clean it up!"

"I think that's a good thing, right?"

"Yup! Ben, it can be your turn now!"

Ben shook his head and turned around in the chair, figuring if he couldn't see them, they couldn't see him.

"C'mon Ben, it's okay! The polisher tickles a lot! And you get to wear the cool shades! I will stand on the other side and hold onto your hand if you get scared, okay?"

Ben turned around and nodded, and Colton helped him into the chair, walking over to the other side where he would be out of the way.

"Alright Ben, can you show me your teeth?"

Ben shook his head and kept his mouth clamped shut.

"How about if I don't touch for right now? Would that be okay?"

"Yup."

"Can you make a scary face?"

Ben made the scariest face he could muster, showing off his teeth rather well.

"You've got some nice teeth in there kiddo! Do you know how many there are?"

"Nope."

"Do you want to know?"

"Yup!"

"Alright. If you open your mouth, I'll count your teeth."

Ben thought about it for a second, then opened his mouth and held tightly to Colton's hand. Lindsay watched with amusement and pride at the way Colton cared for his brother and how much Ben trusted him. They'd always been close, but this was the first time she'd really seen evidence of their bond.

"Do you have a sore throat today? It's kind of red."

"Just a little."

"Okay. Looks like your teeth are all there. Would you like to make them as shiny as your brother's teeth are?"

"Um… okay. Fast?"

"Yeah, I can do it pretty fast. Is grape flavor okay?"

Ben nodded and the dentist set to work, polishing all of his teeth in record time.

"There you go, all done."

"Really?"

"Really. You can hop down from the chair. Does your sister have any teeth coming in?"

"Not yet," Lindsay answered. "I think we might be on the verge though. She's been cranky."

"Can I take a look?"

"Yeah, of course."

Avery had been sitting there quietly in a daze and opened her mouth automatically when the dentist came closer.

"Yeah, it feels like there's something working its way up. Bottom front."

"We'll watch for it."

"Alright kids, everything looks good. I'll see you again in six months, okay?"

"Okay! The baby Aves will have more teeth by then."

"I'm sure she will."

He walked them out to the waiting room where Lindsay made appointments with the receptionist.

"I think next time daddy should take you," she commented as they left the building.

"Are we going to go have lunch with daddy now?"

"Yeah. Should we ride the nasty stinky icky bus or walk back home and get the car?"

"The bus!" both boys hollered. Lindsay knew she never should have given them a choice.

"Alright, let's ride the bus. But don't stick your fingers in your mouth or pick anything up off the ground or touch things if you don't know what they are."

"We know, mama. It's a rollin' germ, you always say that."

They walked to the closest bus stop and got on, the boys giggling excitedly at being allowed to ride without carseats. They were very good, sharing a seat and staring out the window as the city rolled by, remembering not to touch anything. Avery was bouncing up and down in Lindsay's lap, happy to be out of the stroller and able to see everything that was going on.

It was a long ride across town and by they time they got to the crime lab, all four of them were a little cranky.

"Hands," Lindsay said, taking out a bottle of hand sanitizer. The boys were obedient and rubbed their hands together, washing away at least some of the germs.

"I want my daddy," Ben said as they got into the elevator.

"I know you do, and we're going to see him in just a few minutes. What are the rules when we go to the lab?"

"No runnin', no yellin', but we can ask all the questions we want to."

"I have question," Ben started with a sigh. "Mac the boss?"

"Yeah, Mac is the boss."

"Mac the king?"

"Well, not really."

"He not wear no crown?"

"No, but I bet Jo would wear a crown."

"I make a crown for Jo-Jo."

"You do that," Lindsay chuckled as they rounded the corner. Adam was supposed to meet them in the break room, but they were a few minutes early, so the boys climbed up onto the chairs and waited quietly.

"Hey boys, how's life?"

"Hey Dr. Hawkes!" Colton said excitedly. "What are you doing today? Is it exciting?"

"I'm headed down to talk to Dr. Hammerback about something."

"I like Old Sid," Colton said with a nod. "Can I come?"

"You know, another time I would say yes, but it's really crowded down there today."

"Oh, that's okay. Some other day maybe I will go down there and see him and the dead bodies."

"Okay buddy."

Hawkes gave them a wave and headed out, just seconds before Adam headed in.

"Daddy!" the boys chorused, tumbling out of their chairs and into his arms. They laughed loudly as Adam hugged and kissed them both, having not seen them since last night. He'd been up and out the door before they had even woken up, and he really missed not seeing them in the morning. He enjoyed their messed up hair and sleepy questions and hugs before he had to go and face the day.

"We gone to the dentist, daddy! And I was not scared. Ben was a little but he done pretty good!"

"That's what I like to hear. Are you taking good care of your teeth?"

"Yup! The doctor even said so!"

"That's good," he confirmed, lifting them both back into their chairs.

"Mama says you get to take us next time!"

"We'll see."

"Dada!"

"Hey Tink. What's up?"

She giggled and held onto him tightly, one hand petting his beard.

"Hi sweetie."

"Hey."

He wrapped his free arm around his wife and kissed the top of her head, wondering what was bugging her. They hadn't seen each other much in the last few days either, and she had suggested meeting him for lunch under the guise that he needed to see the kids, but also because she missed him a lot. Sure, he came home and curled up in bed with her, but it wasn't the same as actually spending time with him. She missed telling him about the day, hearing about the things he had done, planning for the near future together. It seemed that it happened a few times every year, where life got away from them and they were both left frazzled and lonely. It never really did permanent damage, but it did create obstacles.

"I'm going to get out of here early tonight," he whispered. "In time to put the kids to bed and then you can have me all to yourself."

Her eyes lit up and she hugged him tightly. Despite being apart, he knew just what she needed.

"Daddy, tell us all about what you done today!" Colton hollered as Lindsay handed him a sandwich. "I would really like to know if that is okay."

"Yeah, that's okay," Adam chuckled, sitting down. He started to tell them all about his day and they listened intently while Lindsay smiled. She loved having them all together, even if it was just for a little while.

* * *

"So is there a new rule about reading the kids two books before bed?" Adam asked, coming into the kitchen and joining Lindsay at the sink.

"No. Did they trick you into reading two books?"

"Yes."

She smirked and handed him a plate to dry.

"I'm glad you're home tonight. We've missed you a lot."

"I've missed you guys too. Things should be back to normal soon."

"That will be nice. I want us to get on a more permanent schedule before Colton goes back to school."

"Is he chomping at the bit to go back?"

"Yeah. He keeps asking me how many days and he's been talking about all these plans he has to sit next to Isa and he's really excited. I don't have the heart to tell him that he and Isa won't be in the same class."

"Does she know?"

"Nah. Austin and I were going to take them out school shopping and tell them then."

"It's bad enough the boundaries changed and they have to go to a totally new school. I don't like the idea of them riding the bus."

"I don't really either but I think they'll be alright. It's not that far and they school guarantees a certified driver and one teacher ride along on every trip. They'll be safe. It will be a shorter walk for us just going to the stop and back."

"I guess it will be okay, it just seems like he's so young."

"And then other days he seems so incredibly old."

"I can't look at him without remembering when he was born. How scared we were and how little he was. I can't help but think that we've only been adults since then. That our lives didn't really start until that day."

She smiled and reached into the sink to pull the plug, then dried her hands on a dishtowel before turning to look at him. He grabbed her hands and inspected them carefully, pressing his lips to her fingertips.

"We've got to get that dishwasher fixed. You need to have pretty hands again."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

He leaned down to kiss her but she moved away, a glimmer of mischief in her eyes.

"You wanna kiss me, you're gonna have to catch me first."

"I caught you a long time ago, dear."

"Yeah, but the chase is pretty fun isn't it?"

"Linds."

She smiled and took off out of the kitchen, laughing as he chased after her. He almost caught her but she took a quick turn and he missed.

"Woman, get back here."

"Run faster."

She turned around and thought she was going to get away, but his hands clamped around her waist and they tumbled onto the couch. He pinned her down and tickled her until she was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her face.

"No, stop!"

"You asked for a chase and you got it."

"Adam, please."

He flipped her over but kept her pinned down, letting her catch her breath again.

"I will catch you every time, Lindsay Ross."

"I know."

He brushed her hair back and stared down at her for a moment, trying to come up with something to say.

"Can we just stay here like this for a while?" she asked quietly. "I just want to be with you."

He smiled and settled them into a more comfortable position, holding her hands and staring deep into her eyes. She knew he had missed her too and she knew he was trying to use the little time they had to make up for the days of not talking much.

"Sorry I haven't been home much," he said after a moment.

"It's okay. It can't always be helped."

"I know but I'm still sorry."

She smiled and ran a hand through his hair.

"We know you love us, Adam, and you would be here if you could. It's just temporary."

"Still not ideal."

She nodded and changed positions so he could hold her tighter.

"It's a balance. Gotta take the good with the bad."

"We have a lot of good. If this is our bad, I won't complain."

She yawned and rested against him, wanting this moment to last forever, wanting to never let go, never be apart.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Mario Kart?"

She chuckled and looked up at him with a smile.

"We haven't done that in a really, really long time."

"Afraid your skills are rusty?"

"Never!"

"Do you accept my challenge?"

"Yes, I do. Let's go for it."

They got off the couch and he set up the game while she popped a bag of popcorn. It wasn't long before they were racing and shouting at each other about banana peels and lightning bolts. She laughed like she hadn't in a long time and he enjoyed her laugh like he hadn't in a long time. They played a few more rounds than normal before she showed him that her thumb had a controller print on it.

"You look tired."

"I am tired."

"Come on, I'll carry you to bed."

She smiled and let him pick her up as they started carefully up the stairs. She tried not to giggle about it as he made his way up the final steps and kicked the bedroom door open.

"You're so manly."

He plopped her onto the bed and she grinned as his hands braced against the mattress on either side of her. His eyes grew dark as he looked down at her and she grinned slightly, reaching up to tug on his shirt. They didn't say a word to each other, not about the morning, not about locking the doors, not about checking on the kids. They just stared for the longest time before she reached up and hooked her hand around the back of his neck, drawing him closer.

"Kiss me for a while."

He smiled and settled down against her, taking his time to trace over her lips before he kissed her. She wanted to pull him closer but she liked how slow he was going too, as if he was making up for lost time. He broke the kiss slowly and looked down at her again, smiling slightly at the redness of her lips and the look in her eyes. Carefully they changed positions so they were laying next to each other. He leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead, then another, and another.

"You know how much I love you? I love everything about you. I love when you let me inside your mind. I love how you think and who you are."

She smiled as he moved in again kissing her closed eyes.

"I love the way you look at me. When our eyes meet and it's like nothing else can touch us. I love how you look at me and I know you're letting yourself be vulnerable."

She sighed as he rubbed his nose against hers.

"I love how you crinkle your nose when you're amused and how you wiggle it when you sleep."

She wanted to stop him but she was enjoying this too much, knowing that they were the only two people in the world that were having this moment, that it would be something special, that no one else would ever know.

He got as close to her lips as he could, making the most gentle contact without really touching, so even air could not slide between them.

"I love your voice. I love every word you say. I love how I can tell your mood just by the words you use rather than the tone of your voice. I love they way your lips feel on mine and how they can heal anything."

She pressed a slender finger to his lips, letting him know that he wasn't the only one living in a state of complete adoration.

"I love the way you listen. How you never interrupt me, you always pay attention to what I say and even more what I don't say. I love how you love, with everything you have in you, you love all of us so much. I love how strong you are, how you could carry this whole family, keep our heads above water, and love us through everything. I love how safe you keep me, how I never have to worry when I'm with you."

He smiled and moved in closer, his lips playing over her neck for a few moments before he looked her in the eye again.

"I love you more than anything."

"I love you more than anything too."

He dipped down and whispered in her ear, words that made her heart beat faster and her breath come in gasps. They would definitely be making up for lost time tonight.


	179. Chapter 179

"I can't believe you're going to have two kids in school," Lindsay commented as she and Austin followed Colton, Isa and Sarah into the store.

"You make me sound so old."

"You're younger than me."

"By like four months."

"Yeah, so if you're old then I'm old and I don't want to be old."

"How do you feel about your son the pimp daddy?"

Lindsay looked over at Colton who was holding hands with Sarah and Isa, and looking very happy.

"I think I might be a little proud and a little embarrassed."

Austin chuckled and grabbed a basket while the kids giggled and started to pick out their supplies. Colton and Isa grabbed the first things they saw, while Sarah took her time, examining every piece, comparing it to others and holding onto it for a few minutes before she finally decided and put it in the basket. She was bound and determined to do well in school and she knew she needed the right tools to do that.

"Look mama! Crayons! Can me and Isa share like we did in kindergarten? We won't fight about them this time, I promise."

"No, you should probably just get your own packs."

"But… we can share when we sit next to each other."

Lindsay and Austin exchanged a look and crouched down in front of their kids, knowing this news wasn't going to go over well.

"We have something we need to tell you," Lindsay started, clearing her throat.

"What, mama? Are we in big trouble mister?"

"No, you're not in big trouble. It's just that um…"

"You two are going to have different teachers this year. In different classrooms."

"We know that! We can't keep our kindergarten teacher forever," Isa said with a slight roll of her eyes. "She's not Mr. Feeney."

"No, I mean that you are going to be in one classroom with a new teacher and Colton is going to be in another classroom with a different new teacher."

There was silence as the news sunk in and they just stared at their mothers for a few moments.

"Well that must be a mistake. Cuz me and Isa, we always stick together. We are always best friends and on the same team. We will just have to call them and tell them that."

"We already tried, honey. We can't switch classes right now. Your kindergarten teacher thought it would be a good idea for you to be apart."

"Is she crazy?" Isa hollered. "He's my Colt and him and me are best friends! No one can take us apart!"

"Isabeth, I know you love Colton-"

"I won't go to school if we're in different classes."

"Me neither."

"Kids, you have to go to school," Lindsay said, trying to use her calmest voice. "Look, me and Austin are best friends and we don't work right next to each other everyday. We survive it. Sometimes it's better that way because we don't get annoyed with each other."

"I don't care," Colton replied, putting his arm around Isa. "We are not going without each other. You can buy our school tools if you want to, but we won't go."

They turned and walked to the end of the aisle, looking at a display and whispering to each other.

"Well that could have been worse."

"Colton would have thrown a fit if we weren't in public."

"I'm surprised Isa didn't. I wonder if it will hit them more the first day of school."

"I don't know. It breaks my heart as much as it breaks theirs but I know it's going to be good for them to be apart too. It's not like we said they won't ever see each other again."

"I know. Oh well, they'll get used to it. It will be an adjustment, but they don't see each other every day now, so it shouldn't be a big deal."

"Maybe it will be okay."

"I hope so. Sarah, what's the matter?"

"I just don't know what re-raser to get," she said, holding up two pink erasers of different brands. "I just don't know!"

"Oh honey," Austin chuckled, taking both from her. "Which one is cheaper?"

"I don't know. I think that one."

"Then we'll get that one. When in doubt, always get the cheaper one."

"Okay. Did I get everything on my list?"

They went through the list and made sure she had everything, while Lindsay picked up where Colton had left off, making sure he was prepared as well. Her phone rang just as she finished up, and she steeled herself, wondering what was so bad that Adam had to call her.

"What's the matter?"

"Ben says his throat still hurts him."

"Did you look in there?"

"He won't let me. I felt his neck and it feels swollen."

"Let him have a spoonful of honey and I'll be home as soon as I can. Is he running a fever?"

"No, he seems fine, he just keeps complaining about his throat."

"Alright, I wouldn't worry about it too much, he's probably just trying to milk it."

"Okay. I'll see you when you get home. Want me to start dinner?"

"Yeah, if you want. No big deal either way."

"Alright. You guys have fun."

They said goodbye and she looked up to see Colton taking all the school supplies out of the basket and putting them back on the shelf.

"What are you doing?"

"Not goin' to school. I don't even care about the first grade anymore. I just want Isa in my class."

"Colton-"

"What if someone separated you from daddy? Wouldn't you be sad and want to cry?"

"Yes, but this is different. No one said you couldn't be friends or see each other anymore. You'll probably see each other at recess and you'll ride the bus together too. The only time when you won't be together is when you're supposed to be learning anyway."

He sighed and drooped his shoulders.

"But mama, don't you understand? It's just like you and daddy! Like how you want to share your life like you always say. I wanna share my life with Isa and how do I do that if she's in a different class?"

"Honey, I know you don't want to hear this, but I need you to listen to me. I know you love Isa. She's your best friend and I would never, ever want you to not be best friends. But you can't be together all the time. Even if you want to be, even if you love her, there's going to be times when you have to be apart. That's life."

He sighed and leaned forward to hug her, knowing that she would never lie to him but wishing it wasn't true. He just couldn't imagine school without Isa.

"Mama, what if she gets a new best friend?"

"Maybe she will. But that doesn't mean she loves you any less. Nobody is ever going to have the same kind of friendship the two of you have, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, let's finish getting your supplies so we can go home for dinner."

He nodded and found everything he had put back and dumped it into the basket. Isa was similarly sad, but they managed to get all the supplies purchase and were soon headed to family dinner.

* * *

"Do you think this is a good idea, Colt?" Isa asked warily, looking down at what he was doing.

"Yep."

"We won't get in trouble with Indy?"

"My mama will see that we are right and then she can't get mad at us! Come on, let's go show them."

"I'm not sure about this," she sighed as they struggled to their feet.

"Well I am," Colton reassured as they made their way carefully down the stairs. They joined their parents in the dining room and the conversation stopped.

"What did you do?"

"We are stuck together now, daddy! You can't take me and Isa apart!"

"Did you use an entire roll of duct tape?" Adam asked, looking at their joined legs.

"Yep! And also some clear tape! We tried glue but it wouldn't dry."

"Do you guys realize that it's going to hurt when we take that tape off? You're wearing shorts aren't you?"

"Yep we are but you're not taking the tape off. We have to be together. We have to go to school together. Don't you know that?"

The four adults let out a collective sigh, not sure what to do about this.

"Alright then," Danny said finally. "Stay taped. Isa, you can sleep here tonight. See how much you like being taped together."

The kids high fived, unaware of how counterproductive this was going to be.

"We will show them that we're better together."

"Just like all the songs!" Isa agreed as they struggled back up the stairs. "Your plan done worked, Colt! And even I get to sleep over!"

"I know. I am brilliant like my daddy."

They walked back into the bedroom where Ben, Junior, and Sarah had been waiting to hear the verdict.

"The grownups said okay! I get to sleep here tonight and we get to stay stuck together."

"Are you sure this isn't a lesson?" Sarah asked, well aware that their parents often let them make their own mistakes.

"How could it be? We winned. We get to have a sleep over, Sarah. Don't you understand?"

Sarah just nodded. She knew they would get tired of being stuck together. Ben and Junior, upon seeing how well it had gone for their oldest siblings, were hatching a plan to tape their legs together too. Unfortunately they were out of tape. First Ben, and then Junior started to cry.

"Wait guys! I got an idea! Don't cry. I know what to do. Sarah we need your help because you can go faster than me and Isa."

"What should I do?"

"Go downstairs in the kitchen to the junk drawer. Inside is a stapler. Can you do this mission?"

If anyone else had asked her, Sarah would have refused, but she knew Colton would never ask her to do anything wrong. She made her way downstairs and found the stapler, then rushed back upstairs to deliver it. Without a word, Colton set to work stapling the boys shorts together. Sarah had a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach and she backed out of the room and rushed downstairs, into Danny's arms.

"What's the matter, honey?"

"I don't understand children."

"Are the other kids doing something wrong?"

"I can't tattle. I can't, daddy."

"Sarah, what's goin' on upstairs?"

"They're just bein' too quiet. All I did was get the stapler, I didn't know why."

Danny sighed and the adults stood up from the table, all making their way upstairs. Sarah was quiet as she followed them, not sure of the fate that was about to befall the rest of the kids.

"What is going on?"

"The boys wanted to have a sleepover too, so I done stapled them together!" Colton said, proud of his ingenuity.

"You stapled their shorts?" Lindsay asked, leaning down to inspect.

"Yup! I'm so clever, right?"

"Oh Colton."

"What?"

"This was not a good idea honey."

"But you didn't get mad when me and Isa taped our legs together!"

"Tape and staples are different."

"I'm sorry, mama. They wanted to be stuck like us!"

"Colton…" Adam started, not sure what to say. He left it dangling there while Lindsay and Austin crouched down, trying to figure out how to get the boys shorts apart.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, Colt. I got an itch on my leg."

Colton sighed and swiped his hand across his forehead.

"I was just tryin' to make a statement."

* * *

Ben sighed and rolled over in bed, wanting to fall asleep because he was so tired, but not able too because of the bickering going on in the other bed. Colton and Isa were still taped together and trying to sleep, albeit uncomfortably. They were definitely not enjoying being stuck this way.

"Isa, you are too close to me!"

"I can't get no further away Colt!"

"We need to get this tape off."

They continued to argue and pull at the tape, and Ben buried his head under his pillow. His throat still hurt and he wanted to go to sleep. That was the only time his throat didn't hurt anymore. He was tired of cough drops too.

"Ouch! Colt, you're pullin' on my leg skin!"

"Well I gotta get the tape off."

"Ow! OW! Indy! Help!"

Ben laughed a little to himself and sat up in bed, excited to see this drama unfold. Lindsay and Adam both came into the room, yawning and disheveled.

"What's the matter?"

"We can't sleep! We can't move!"

"My leg hurts so bad!"

Ben watched it all with a grin as Colton and Isa hollered in pain when the tape was taken off of their legs.

"Ow! Indy that hurt!"

"Well honey I don't know what else to do for you."

"Duct tape is not water soluble guys."

Colton was pouting and Isa was on the verge of tired and frustrated tears.

"This is the worst sleepover ever!" she shouted, rubbing her leg. "Colt, I am never gonna do what you say ever again!"

"I'm sorry, Isa! I promise, I didn't know!"

"Indy, this hurts really bad."

"Alright sweetie, we'll put something on it. Come with me."

They left the room and Adam sighed, cleaning up the duct tape.

"Colton you really didn't think this through, did you?"

"I'm sorry, daddy."

"We all make mistakes buddy. Just try not to involve your best friend next time."

"Okay."

The girls came back into the room and Lindsay tucked Colton and Isa back into bed, making sure they were both comfortable before she kissed them goodnight.

"Alright Benjamin, show's over."

He smiled and slid under the covers again.

"Night, mama."

His voice was croaky and she turned his bedside lamp on.

"Sweetie, can I look in your mouth?"

"Why?"

"Because. Let me see it."

He opened his mouth and she looked into his throat with a sigh, as she had done so many times in the last few months. It was red and swollen, one tonsil almost touching the other. No wonder he had no appetite.

"It's a good thing we're going to the doctor in the morning honey. Do you need a drink of water?"

"Nope. Gimme nigh-night kissies."

"Alright. Come and get me if your throat hurts more baby."

"I go to sleep now mama."

She kissed him goodnight and turned the light out before leaving the room.

"Hey Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever play with duckie tape."

"Okay Cole. Don't even have a hurtin' throat."

"Okay. Night Ben."

"Night Cole."

* * *

"Well Mr. Ben it looks like you have tonsillitis again," the pediatrician said, after examining Ben's throat. "How bad does it hurt?"

"I cry," he reported, curling into Adam's lap.

"I bet you do, bud. It might be time to get those tonsils out."

"You really think he needs that?" Adam asked, panic rising in him. He didn't want to even think about Ben getting surgery.

"He's had so many sore throats in the last few months. They're not just small ones either, every time I've examined him it's gotten a lot worse and I don't want it to get any worse than it is now. Does he snore a lot when he sleeps?"

"Um… I don't really know. He complains that his brother snores too much, but I don't know. His mom would know."

"I do snore, daddy. Jus' like you."

"Well I guess he does snore then."

"He sleeps through the night?"

"Um, no hardly ever. He usually wakes up a few times."

"We might think about an adenoid surgery too."

"Daddy, what that means?"

"We'll talk about it with mama okay?"

Ben nodded as Adam and the doctor continued to talk. He was a little scared about what this all meant but he knew that the doctor wanted him to feel better, so maybe it would be okay.

It wasn't long before they were headed home, Adam silent as they walked.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"What is the matter?"

"Nothing really, son. I just don't want you to be sick anymore."

"What is gonna happen?"

Adam swung Ben into his arms and held him tightly.

"Well basically what is going to happen is that you'll fall asleep at the doctors and while you're asleep he's going to fix your throat so it doesn't hurt anymore."

"I be all better?"

"Yeah."

"Why you so sad, daddy?"

"I just wish you didn't have to be sick."

Ben nodded and rested his head on Adam's chest.

"We go home. Tell mama I be better."

"Wanna ride on my shoulders?"

Ben laughed and nodded and Adam put him up on his shoulders where he giggled and held on tight as they galloped home.

"Well, what's the verdict?" Lindsay greeted as they came laughing through the door.

"Doctor says he needs his tonsils out."

"Mama! I gonna feel better!"

"Well if that's what we need to do, I guess that's what we need to do."

"He wants us to come in next week for another appointment and to talk about having his adenoids done too."

"We'll talk about it later. I know you're itching to get on that computer and research it for yourself."

"A little."

"Come on Ben, I made lunch for you. Are you hungry?"

"Yeah. But my throat so hurts."

"I know. I made you some chicken soup and you can have some Jello too."

"Oh yum! Cole and sissy eated?"

"Yeah, Avery's taking a nap and Colton's reading."

"Sissy not sleep," he said, climbing into his chair. "She up now."

"You think so?" Lindsay asked, just seconds before Avery started to cry from the other room. "Ben, how do you do that?"

"I jus' know," he said, taking a bite of his lunch. Lindsay gave him a look then went to get Avery while Adam sat down at the table with his laptop.

"Are you studyin' 'bout my throat?"

"Yeah. I need to figure out what's going to happen."

"Can I see?"

"Nah, not while you're eating."

"Okay," Ben agreed, reaching over to pat Adam's hand. "It be alright, daddy. I good."

Adam gave him a half smile before pulling his son into his arms.

"I love you, Benjamin."

"I love too, daddy. Don't be scared."

"Okay buddy."

He'd try his hardest not to be scared, but he knew that he would not feel better until that surgery was over and Ben was back to his normal self again.


	180. Chapter 180

"No! It's mine!" Ben shrieked as the nurse tried to take his blood for the pre-op work.

"It's okay-"

"NO!" he wailed, pulling his arms close and letting the tears slide down his face. "I want my daddy!"

"Ben, I'm right here," Adam assured, moving closer to the bed and holding Ben's free hand. "It's only going to hurt for a minute, okay?"

"Daddy please."

"I'm sorry buddy. You need to be really still, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'm going to hold you really tight, okay?"

"Where's mama?"

"She's right outside the door and she'll be back in after a minute," Adam explained, gathering his son in a hug and letting the nurse do her work.

"Why she out there?"

"Well, mama just hates to see you upset like this."

"I know her does. OW! Ow, daddy that hurts!"

"I know. It's almost over. You're being so brave son, I'm really proud of you."

"I make you proud, daddy. No cryin'."

"Alright kiddo, it's all over. There's only going to be one more needle stick later and then you won't have to worry about it anymore, okay?"

He nodded and sniffled as she left the room and Lindsay came back in.

"I was brave mama!"

"I know you were honey," Lindsay said, leaning down to kiss his tears away.

"You not like to see me when I am sad. It makes your heart hurt, huh?"

"Yeah, it does."

"I know. My heart hurts when your heart hurts, mama."

"It does?"

"Yeah. How long until I fall asleep?"

"Well it's going to be another hour until it's time for you to go to sleep. Do you want to see Colton and Avery for a little while before they go with Jo?"

He nodded and Adam went out of the room to get them.

"Mama?"

"Yes baby?"

"Why you scared?"

She stared at him for a minute, surprised that he knew of the fright which pounded through her entire body. She'd done so well keeping it hidden and had even told him there was nothing to be scared of.

"I'm just scared because I have to trust the doctor to keep you safe. I can't do it by myself."

She brushed his hair back as he stared into her eyes, his look one of question.

"Mama, you are very scared and sad. You think something bad to happen."

"No I don't honey. I really don't. It's just a little scary. You are going to be just fine, Benjamin. You'll go to sleep for a little while and when you wake up daddy and I will be right here."

"Did you do this when you was little?"

"Yep, I did."

"And daddy?"

"He did too."

"I be okay, you see mama."

"Hey Ben," Colton greeted. "Nice clothes."

Ben giggled and looked down at his hospital gown.

"Stylin'. Daddy said so."

Avery whimpered and reached out for her big brother, and Adam settled her onto the bed. Ben put his arm around her and she cuddled against him, sucking furiously on her pacifier.

"It okay sissy. I good."

Colton climbed up onto the bed too and all three kids sat there giggling together, and looking through the books that Ben had brought with him. Adam reached over and took Lindsay's shaking hand in his, then drew her into his arms.

"He's going to be alright honey. I promise."

"I know. I just get scared."

"Me too."

They moved over to the bed and sat down, all five of them together for a while. They read a few books and laughed together until it was time for Ben to go into surgery. He bravely bid goodbye to his siblings when Jo came to get them. Adam and Lindsay fawned over him and held him tightly while the nurse started his IV.

"It be over soon?" he asked as they wheeled him down the hall.

"Yeah honey, very soon. It will be so fast."

"I need hugs and kisses."

They both leaned down and hugged him, telling him how much they loved him and that he would be done in no time. Pretty soon he was taken into the operation room, where they couldn't get to him. Lindsay let a tear dribble down her cheek and Adam kissed it away.

"Let's go wait. It won't be long."

* * *

The next sixty minutes felt more like sixty years as Lindsay paced across the waiting room. She knew he would be fine, this was a routine surgery, his doctor had probably performed several a day in the last few years, but that didn't mean there wasn't a chance that something could happen.

"Linds, honey, come sit down."

She sighed and planted herself in his lap, closing her eyes and trying to calm her heart rate.

"When is this going to be over?"

"In a while honey."

"I'm glad this isn't a major surgery, I would be a total mess."

"He's going to be just fine. And he's not going to have to deal with sore throats and waking up in the night so much. It's going to be so much better for him."

"I know. I just don't want to see those bags under his eyes anymore because he can't sleep."

"I know. Everything will be better, you'll see."

She was about to reply when the door opened and the doctor stepped in.

"Is he okay?" Lindsay asked, before he even had a chance to greet them.

"Yes, he's doing just fine. The surgery was very fast, no complications. His tonsils were a lot worse than we thought they were so it was good that we got them now. He should be waking up any minute. He'll probably be really disoriented, so he'll need you there."

They followed him down the hall to recovery where Ben was laying on the bed, looking cozy and in a deep sleep. Lindsay went to his side and took his hand, leaning down to kiss his warm forehead.

"He has a fever."

"Yeah, just a little. It's not uncommon for kids to have a fever as they're breaking through the anesthesia. It's not very high, it should be gone in an hour or so."

Lindsay nodded and tuned out the rest of the conversation between Adam and the doctor, and just focused on Ben. He looked like a baby laying there, his round cheeks sagging and rosy. She stroked her hands over his soft skin and through his short sandy hair wanting to pick him up and hold him close to her for as long as she could.

It was several minutes before he stirred, opening his eyes and grunting as he reached for her.

"Hi baby. You're okay, it's all over."

"Dunner?"

"Junior's at home, you'll see him in a few days."

"See," he replied softly.

"You need your glasses?" she asked, sliding them onto his face. "There you go. Is that better?"

He gave a short nod and held onto her hand before going back to sleep.

"Is that normal?"

"Yeah, he's really tired now. The anesthesia is mostly worn off, but he's going to be tuckered out for a few hours. We'll discharge him as soon as he wakes up for good. There's a button on the side of his bed that you can press if you need a nurse."

He left them alone and Adam sat down on the other side of the bed, taking Ben's free hand. He kissed the tiny fingers and rubbed the chubby arm, then leaned up and kissed the full cheeks.

"See, he's just fine."

"I know."

"It's okay that you worried though," he commented softly, reaching over to hold her hand too.

"It better have been okay."

He gave her a short smile as she watched their son sleep. It was several moments of quiet contemplation about their often overlooked middle child. They'd had three years with Colton alone, endless hours to stare at him and marvel over him and come to grips with the fact that he was made up entirely of the two of them. It was easy to do that with Avery now, she was their only daughter, a nightowl who never went to sleep until shortly before they did. They spent a lot of time with her, wondering who she was going to be like, and how they were going to raise a girl.

Ben never got that kind of attention. Not that they loved him any less, or that he wasn't as special. He was just the kind of kid that didn't make much noise. There had been issues when Avery was first born, but that was just an adjustment. They had never just sat and stared at him like this, taking in all the features of his little face, learning things about him as he slept.

"I wonder how long he's going to have that baby face," Lindsay mused, running her fingers gently up and down Ben's arm.

"I hope for a long time. He's pretty cute."

"Yeah, he is. He looks so much like you."

"I think he looks like you."

"I don't know. Maybe he looks like both of us."

"Maybe so."

They fell into silence for a while, both lost in their own thoughts, in their own worlds. It was probably an hour that they sat there in quiet contemplation before Ben woke up again.

"Mama. Hold."

He had reverted back to short sentences again and she was sure it was just because his throat hurt so badly, he didn't want to say much more. Carefully she lifted him out of bed and into her arms where he nestled against her, his head on her shoulder.

"Mama."

"You're okay baby. I'm right here, you're just fine. You can go back to sleep."

He fussed for a moment and reached up to wind his fingers through the ends of her hair. It was almost like a security blanket for him when he was sick or scared. He tried to stick his thumb in his mouth but she wasn't sure he should do that, so she pulled his hand away. He didn't say a word, just rubbed his nose against her shoulder and went back to sleep.

"How's his fever?"

"A little better. Do you want to come over here and hold him?"

"I'll come over there, but I don't want to move him just yet."

They both got up and made their way to the small couch against the wall, sitting down in such a way that they could both hold their son.

"He's going to be just fine," Adam whispered again. "Just fine."

* * *

It was late in the day when they finally arrived home. Ben was too tired to walk, so Adam carried him into the house and up to his bedroom. Jo had actually taken the time to change Ben's sheets and put fresh blankets on his bed, and Adam settled him into them, making sure he had enough pillows and he would be comfortable.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah bud?"

"Ow."

"I know it hurts. Just go to sleep for now. Mama will bring you some medicine in a few hours."

"Hungry."

"You can't have anything else yet, but we have Jello for you later."

"Daddy, was din-saurs."

"There were dinosaurs?"

"Mm-hmm. Flied."

"Dinosaurs that flew, huh?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Go back to sleep. Mama will be up to check on you in a little while."

"Daddy. Kiss."

Adam chuckled and kissed his son, then pulled the blankets up a little higher and left the room.

"Daddy, I wanna see Ben!" Colton said as Adam came down the stairs.

"Shh. He needs his rest right now."

"I will go rest too! I just wanna see my brother!"

"Why don't you wait a while and you can go see him when mama goes to give him his medicine."

"Oh alright. I will just keep playing with the baby Aves."

"Thanks buddy. Is mama in the kitchen?"

"Yup. Jo just leaved. She said to give Ben a kiss for her."

"Okay, we'll make sure. Watch your sister, I'll be right back."

He went into the kitchen where Lindsay was leaning against the counter, reading over the post operative instructions one more time. He approached her quietly and she looked up at him, smiling before she stepped into his arms.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little overwhelmed, but I think we're going to be okay. Did he go to sleep?"

"Yeah right down. I told him you would bring his medicine in a little while and that he could have some Jello later."

"Okay. I think I'm going to go and take a nap for a bit. I don't think I'm going to be getting much sleep tonight."

"Okay. I'll field all the anxious grandma calls. Go rest. Maybe take Avery with you though, she's getting cranky."

"Wake me if you need me."

She went into the other room and gathered Avery from the floor where she was whimpering in frustration.

"Hey chubbles, want to go take a nap with mama?"

"Mama!" she replied happily.

"Yeah, let's go up and take a nap."

"Hey mama, can I come too?"

"You want to take a nap, Colton?"

"Yeah. Can I go in my room though? I will take a nap in there where Ben is."

"Okay, go ahead, but don't wake him, alright?"

He nodded and they trooped up the stairs quietly. Lindsay made sure Colton was settled, then checked on Ben before going up to her own bed. Avery was yawning and clingy as they laid down, and for some reason she wanted to be held but she didn't want to just rest easy. Lindsay let her go, figuring she didn't want to cuddle, but then she cried and rolled back over to her mama.

"Sweetie I don't know what you want," she said finally after several minutes of that.

"Mama," she replied with a sleepy smile before tugging on Lindsay once more.

"Do you want to nurse, is that your issue? Alright, come here."

Ben and Colton had never really wanted to nurse much after they'd had solid food. Sure, a nighttime feeding was something they both wanted until they were about a year old, but midday feedings were nonexistent. Lindsay thought Avery would be the same, but after a few days of solid food, she'd gone back to her previous schedule. She still liked solids, but Lindsay suspected she wanted time alone with her mama too. She didn't mind, it was one more baby thing that she could hold onto for a while.

"There, are you happy now honey? Oh please don't grow any bigger for a while. Mama can't take it. Will you stay my sweetie petitey forever and ever?"

Avery smiled and reached up to grab the locket Lindsay wore, which had been updated with current pictures of her kids on one half and the Messer kids on the other. Avery looked at it as she held it between her fingers, turning it one way and then the other, her face one of true curiosity, as if she had never seen it before.

"We could almost put your hair in a ponytail now baby," Lindsay mused, inspecting her daughter's curls. "Will you let mama dress you in pink and lace like a little girl, or do you want to rough and tumble with your brothers?"

Avery gave her a little smile, her eyelids drooping as she slid into a lazy afternoon nap.

"I think I'm going to join you, sleepy girl," Lindsay said, readjusting them both so they were curled up together in the middle of the bed. "I love you, Averylin Grace. All my heart."

* * *

The coughing that woke her up was loud and raspy and she bolted out of bed, rubbing her eyes and trying to see in the dark. Half stumbling, she made her way downstairs to Ben, who was laying in bed, coughing and crying.

"Mama. Hurt."

"I know honey. Sit up and have a drink of water."

He whimpered and whined between sips of water and she pulled him into her lap, rocking him gently and hoping that would soothe him at least a little.

"Benny, you okay?" Colton asked, getting out of bed and hugging his brother. "I love you."

"Love Cole."

"Oh mama, doesn't he have some medicine?" Colton asked, nearly in tears. "He is hurtin' so bad."

"He has some but I need to go downstairs and get it."

"My poor little brother."

"Will you cuddle with him while I go find his medicine?"

Colton nodded and sat down on the bed and Ben crawled into his lap.

"It be okay, Benny. Mama make you feel okay."

"Ow."

"Yeah, it hurts huh? You are a brave boy, Ben. A big brave boy."

Lindsay smiled and went downstairs to get the medicine, then came back up as quickly as she could. The boys were still cuddled up in bed and Colton was stroking Ben's hair away from his face.

"It will be alright Benny. Mama's here."

"Here's some medicine, sweetie."

"Ew mama, icky."

"No, this isn't icky. Remember the doctor made it taste like oranges?"

"Okay."

She gave the medicine to him and he sighed, reaching his arms out for her.

"Hold."

"Okay, come here sweetie."

She lifted him into her arms and he nuzzled into her while Colton watched worriedly.

"Colton, go back to bed honey. Ben will be okay. We're just going to go walk downstairs until the medicine works."

He nodded and got back into his bed, and Lindsay took Ben downstairs.

"Are you thirsty honey?"

"No."

"Are you hungry for some Jello or pudding?"

"No. Want mama. Want Dunner."

"You can see Junior tomorrow hon."

He slumped against her and she walked with him all over the house for the next twenty minutes while his pain killers took effect. Qwerty followed along after them, seemingly concerned as to why they were up so late and what was wrong with Ben.

"Mama."

"Yes sweetie?"

"No ow."

"It doesn't hurt anymore?"

"No. Bed?"

"Yeah, I'll put you to bed. Want me to snuggle you for a while?"

He nodded as they started up the stairs. She held him tightly and just breathed him in before she had to put him back to bed.

"I love you so much, Benjamin. Sleep sweet little boy. I'll see you soon."

She gave him one last kiss and watched him breathe in the moonlight, just as she had so many nights before when he woke up. This time he would be okay. This time he would be fine.


	181. Chapter 181

"Well you have to do something big, Danny. It's not just a regular birthday, she's turning 35."

"I don't think she wants to be reminded of that, Montana."

"Well, okay, but you should do something special anyway."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. How longs it been since the two of you went away together?"

"Italy. Our honeymoon."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"Messer, you'd better do something about that."

"Why?"

"Because. Going away together is… well, it's just different than going away with the kids."

He gave her a look over the top of the casefile and she sighed, shaking her head.

"Well it's different and it's better and you'll enjoy it more, okay? So find somewhere to take her for a few days and leave the kids with us."

"Are you sure? Six kids?"

"They might be crazy but they're well behaved and you would do it for us, so what's the big deal?"

He sighed and tipped back in his chair.

"I don't know if we're the going away type."

"Afraid it's going to end in disaster?"

"She told you that story?"

"Of course she did. But seriously, Danny. She'd love it."

"How are you so sure?"

"Because I know her. And I know how much she loves you. And I know that no matter how much she loves the kids, time alone with their dad would be nice for her too. I mean, I'll still help you with what you've already thought of, but you should think about a little trip too. Just some womanly advice for ya."

"You're probably right. I'd have to surprise her with it though or she won't do it."

"Definitely need to surprise her. I mean, what we've already planned is kind of a big deal, but I think she needs something like this too."

"You're probably right."

"When am I not?"

"Now don't go playin' that game."

She grinned and went back to the casefile while Danny flipped a calendar open and started looking at it.

"When do the kids start school?"

"Two weeks."

"Would you rather have them when they're in school so you can at least have Isa and Colton gone most of the day?"

"It doesn't matter to me. Whatever works better for you guys."

"Tryin' think of where to take her."

"Honestly Danny, you could just get a hotel room for a week and she wouldn't mind."

"Nah, it's gotta be special."

"Maybe up to the lake then. I'm sure they've got cabins up there so she wouldn't have to rough it too much. It wouldn't be too terribly cold yet, you could still swim or fish if you wanted to."

"Maybe."

Lindsay snickered to herself as Danny opened up a webpage and started to search for getaway spots. She knew he wouldn't come up with anything good. He was a very smart man, but when it came to finding deals or really searching for something online, he was a lost case. He'd come up fruitless after a day or two and ask Adam to help him.

"What are you getting her?" he asked suddenly.

"Just taking her out to lunch like we always do."

"Can I ask… what do you even talk about for that long?"

"Everything."

"No, I mean really."

"Everything," she repeated, amused. "Women need that. No agenda. Just whatever."

"You turned my wife into a woman."

"I… don't even know what to say to that."

He shook his head.

"She wasn't like this before she met you. She used to just spit and swear and stuff."

"She still spits and swears."

"I know but ever since the two of you became joined at the hip she's gotten more like… uh… internal or something."

"What does that mean?"

"She talks about her feelings and stuff."

"Sorry?"

"Nah, it's good. It's just that sometimes I forget that you know her so well and that she tells you things she don't tell me. I'm not really used to havin' to share her with someone else."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Nothing, just interesting."

"Why?"

She shrugged.

"I guess I just never thought of it that way."

"We're off on a tangent. You really think she'd like going away?"

"Yes, she would. Now, is everything else ready for the other thing?"

"Yeah. You guys have a babysitter?"

"Yeah, Faye's going to come over. Are you dropping your kids with your mom?"

"Yeah. Flack and Jess still have to find a sitter but they'll be there. And Mac said he'd come if he could."

"Oh don't worry. He'll be there. Jo's gonna drag him by his ear, she already promised me."

"And everyone knows not to spoil it?"

"I didn't tell Adam anything on account of he can hardly keep a secret, but everyone else knows to keep their mouths shut. She is going to freak out. I can't wait."

He nodded and chuckled.

"Always nice when you're able to pull strings. Thanks for helpin' me figure it all out."

"You're welcome. Austin's been suspicious of why you and I are always texting each other lately."

"I know, she keeps asking me what we're planning. She knows it's for her birthday, but she has enough restraint to not go through my phone and figure it out."

"Does she realize we've been planning this for three months?"

"Nah, but lets leave out that little detail."

* * *

The stadium was crowded with people, some casual fans, some rabid, but all of them looking forward to a game between their beloved Yankees and their rivals, the Red Sox. Danny hadn't just pulled a few strings, he'd pulled a lot, reserving a bank of seats behind the home team dug-out, about ten rows up. It was close enough that they could catch fly balls but far enough away that they could see the entire game.

Danny and Austin were decked out in all Yankees gear. Austin was wearing a blue and white bandana, and had even let Lindsay paint her toenails to match. Jo had shown up in a plain jersey but she already had a foam finger that she must have picked up years ago, judging by how faded it was.

"Where did Danny take Austin?" Adam asked as they all sat down.

"Oh, just down to the field."

"She's going to freak out."

"Yeah, she's also going to throw out the first pitch."

"Seriously? Does she know that?"

"Nope."

"Oh man."

"I know. I wouldn't be surprised if she started shaking and couldn't even throw a pitch."

"Don't jinx her!" Jo laughed.

"No Linds, please jinx her!" Flack begged. "It'll be great."

Jess punched his arm and he laughed, adjusting his hat against the sun. They all sat back and waited, Lindsay unable to control her giggles as they watched Austin take the field. She shot a look in their direction and they all whooped and hollered for her, even Mac who was normally so reserved in these situations. It wasn't the greatest pitch ever, but they all chalked it up to nerves as she professionally trotted off the field.

"Did anyone get a picture of that?" Lindsay asked suddenly, kicking herself for forgetting her own camera.

"Yeah, I got a few," Jess said with a nod. "Though, when has there ever been a flattering picture of someone pitching?"

"Well okay, that's going to be hilarious."

They all laughed together and sat back to watch the game for a few minutes before Austin and Danny joined them.

"I can't believe I just did that," Austin muttered as she sat down. "My heart is still pounding."

Lindsay chuckled and leaned over to hug her.

"You looked good."

"Did you know about this?"

"Maybe."

"You knew? How did you not say anything?"

"I just kept picturing you up there and I knew it would be way better if it was a surprise."

"You two spoil me," Austin sighed, giving Lindsay and Danny looks.

"We love you," they replied in unison.

"Yeah, yeah. Watch the game. And get me some nachos."

"Yes ma'am," Danny chuckled as she put her feet up on the unoccupied seat in front of her. He stood up and went in search of food, motioning for Adam and Flack to come with him.

"So, who are we rooting for?" Lindsay teased.

"I am not even going to react to that, Linds. Not even."

"No wait, who are we rooting for?" Jo asked. They weren't totally sure if she was joking or not, but they all threw their programs at her anyway.

"Wow, tough crowd," she fake pouted, leaning her head on Mac's shoulder. He leaned down and whispered something to her and she giggled.

"I like when he smiles like that," Lindsay noted softly, watching them out of the corner of her eye.

"Yeah. It's been a while."

Lindsay contemplated that tone of voice for a full minute before she spoke.

"She's not trying to replace Claire."

"I know. It's just… weird to see him with anyone else. After what happened, I thought… I don't know, I just didn't think he would ever fall in love again."

"Isn't it good that he has?"

"Yes. And I wouldn't change it for the world. It just takes a little getting used to."

"Do you think Jo and Claire would have been friends?"

"I don't think there is a soul on earth that wouldn't get along with either of them. They would have been very good friends."

"Not as good as us though right?"

"No one could be as good as us."

It was a few more minutes before the guys came back, laden down with hotdogs, pretzels, chicken wings and nachos. There was enough to feed a small army, which was good since they all practically were one.

"Babe, are we allowed to eat this stuff?" Adam asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

"We'd get thrown out if we didn't. We won't eat too much."

"Good because those hotdogs look disgustingly amazing."

"Split one?"

"Amen. I was going to stop and get us something from that farmers market in there, but I wasn't sure I could handle the ridicule."

"Probably not," she sighed, watching for his reaction out of the corner of her eye.

"You're supposed to reassure me that I can handle anything."

"You can. Except the ridicule of your peers."

He chuckled, leaning over and kissing her softly. They both loved their kids but it was really, really nice to just be adults, not have to be parents for a little while.

It was a long first half, both teams neck and neck, making for some exciting plays. At halftime everyone sat back down and stretched out a little, chattering amongst themselves and mostly ignoring the festivities on the field below. They flung popcorn, insulted each other, and basically acted like teenagers. Even Mac got in on it, stealing Jo's foam finger and starting a game of keep-away with it. They were all having a great time, that is until the kiss cam panned over them. They all froze, staring back at themselves on the big screen, then simultaneously sticking their tongues out. It was stupid, it was childish, but they all had a good laugh over it. And no one was even drunk.

The game got more intense as it was picked up again, the score so close that everyone was on the edge of their seats. Austin, Danny, and Flack were screaming at the top of their lungs, chanting as if their lives depended on it. It was the bottom of the ninth. The bases weren't loaded, but the score was tied and the Yankees were at bat. Austin was practically shaking with anticipation, having run out of curse words half an hour ago. She was just whooping and hollering nonsense instead, jumping up and down and everyone was pretty much watching her instead of the game.

"She looks like she's possessed," Adam said softly so only Lindsay could hear him.

"That or she's imbued with the spirit."

"Hallelujah!"

They laughed and he slipped his arm around her, kissing the top of her head as they watched the rest of the game and listened to Danny and Austin scream in joy when the Yankees won by one run.

"That was the best game. Ever."

"I think I have to agree with that."

"And the best birthday ever. You guys spoiled me rotten."

"Not over yet."

"Oh really?"

"Next weekend, you and me undisclosed location, sans children."

"Seriously?"

"Yep."

Austin giggled and nearly clapped her hands in joy.

"I am so far passed rotten."

"Yeah Aust. We know."

* * *

Five children were running laps around the house while one old greyhound chased them and one baby girl cheered with every pass.

"You sure you want our kids and our dog?" Austin asked, handing the kinds suitcases to Lindsay.

"Yes, of course I do. I have a thing for chaos you know."

"I've noticed. But really, four days is a long time-"

"We'll be fine and if we're not I'll take them up to Danny's mom. I swear Aust, it's going to be fine. You go have fun and don't worry about the kids."

"I'm not worried about them, I'm worried about you," Austin replied as the kids thundered passed them. "And your sanity."

"My sanity and I will be just fine. Get out of here and go have your man all to yourself."

"Hubba hubba."

Lindsay chuckled, fleetingly wishing she and Adam were the ones going away.

"Messers, front and center!"

All three Messer kids came running at the sound of their mother's voice, and she hugged and kissed them all as if she was going to be gone for a year.

"I love you guys. Be good okay? Lindsay's not afraid to stick you in a corner. Or in the pokey."

"Ma, we'll be good," Isa sighed. "Swear."

"Okay, okay. Give me one more kiss so I can go."

They all obliged and Isa dashed off, not one for goodbyes. Sarah wasn't quite sure what to do, but she clung to her mother as long as she could, then sighed and grabbed onto Lindsay's leg while Austin left the house.

"I'm gonna play!" Junior announced. "Hey Binyin!"

Lindsay and Sarah were left in the doorway, watching Danny and Austin drive away.

"Auntie?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"I want my mommy and daddy."

Lindsay crouched down and took the little girl in her arms, hugging her tightly.

"I know sweetie. They'll be back before you know it. Do you want to help me make lunch?"

"Could I sit on a stool next to Avery?"

"Sure. Are you two going to be buddies for the next few days?"

"Yeah."

They were about to go into the kitchen when they heard a loud bang from upstairs and the sound of delighted child laughter.

It was going to be a long four days.


	182. Chapter 182

"There ain't no reason you and I should be alone, tonight now baby, tonight yeah baby! I got a reason that you're who should take me home, tonight! I need a man that thinks it's right when it's so wrong, tonight now baby tonight yeah baby! Right on the limits where we know we both belong, tonight!"

Lindsay laughed as the kids all jumped up and down on the couch, belting out the rest of the song, not really knowing what it was about, but enjoying it anyway. Ben and Junior pretended to play the guitar and Colton played air drums while Isa and Sarah sang into fake microphones and danced around. It had been a long morning already, but this was making up for it. They were all so excited to spend the next few days together, and their happiness could not be denied. She didn't care that they were jumping on the couch or that the girls hair was messy or that Colton only had one sock on. Avery was sitting on the floor next to the couch, squealing in delight and bouncing up and down. Giggling, Lindsay scooped her up and they danced around the room while the kids continued to pretend they were a rock band.

"I'm on the edge of glory!" Isa hollered, louder than the rest of the kids as she jumped off the couch and spun in a circle on the floor, pumping her fist in the air. By the time the song ended the kids were all exhausted, laying on the floor and singing along to the next song that came on the radio.

"What do you guys think about some lunch and a movie?"

"Yes!" came the answer, along with whoops and hollers. She was certain she could have suggested nothing at all and they would have been just as happy about it.

"What should we have?"

"Fish sticks!"

"Macaroni!"

"Sandwiches!"

"Ravioli!"

"All of those are good suggestions. Let me go see what we have."

She stood up and took Avery into the kitchen, settling her in the high chair before going to the cupboards to find lunch.

"Auntie, I will help you, okay?" Sarah said, coming to stand next to her.

"You don't have to, honey. You can go play."

"But I want to help. Ooh, can we have those nuggets in the freezer?"

"Yeah, that sounds good," Lindsay agreed, pulling the bag out of the freezer. She poured the nuggets onto a cookie sheet and stuck it in the warming oven.

"Can we have some fruit massacre salad too?"

"I don't know if I have all the fruit for it, but we can try."

"I just like the bananas in it a lot."

Lindsay smiled and gathered the fruit, then let Sarah peel the bananas and take the tops off the strawberries while she chopped everything else. They soon had a big bowl of fruit salad, just as the chicken was ready to come out of the oven. Avery was screaming in hunger and Lindsay gave her a spoonful of fruit before making five plates for the rest of the kids. Sarah helped her take them to the table and then went and hollered at the kids to come and eat. They all stampeded to the table, taking their chairs and giggling as they ate.

Lindsay went back into the kitchen and cleaned up while Avery worked on her own lunch.

"You just can't wait to be a big girl and run around with the rest of the kids, huh?"

"Dada?"

"Daddy's at work, baby. He'll be home later tonight."

"Mama!"

"Yes, mama. Are you ready to be done?"

Avery held her hands out to be washed off, and then Lindsay lifted her out of the highchair.

"I think it's nap time, lovey."

"Mama, let Avery give us hugs before she goes to sleep!" Colton said, standing up on his chair. Lindsay took Avery to him and he hugged and kissed her softly.

"Sleep with good dreams, baby. I love you."

"Me too! Kiss sissy!" Ben said, also standing up on his chair. He pressed several sloppy kisses to Avery's cheeks, then stopped and looked deep into her eyes.

"I love you sissy. Ever and ever."

"I love sissy too," Junior piped up. "Have a good nap."

Avery giggled as Lindsay took her upstairs, walking around the bedroom for a moment to calm her a little, then tucking her into the crib.

"Mama!" she wailed, hating to be left alone.

"It's time for a nap, baby doll. I'll be back in a few hours. Get some sleep."

Avery whimpered and stuck her bottom lip out in a pout, but didn't protest any more as Lindsay left the room, taking the baby monitor with her. By the time she went back downstairs, all the kids were done eating and had tossed their plates into the sink. She thought for a moment about doing the dishes, then decided she would rather join them watching a movie. They were all huddled around the entertainment center choosing a movie, making a pile for ones they wanted to watch and another pile for ones they weren't interested in. They finally picked "The Apple Dumpling Gang" and Colton put it in the player, then turned the TV on.

"Hey mama, could we all lay on the couch-bed?"

"Yeah, sure. Help me move the coffee table."

He nodded and they moved things around, tossing the couch cushions on the floor so they could pull out the bed. In a few minutes they were all settled in together, watching the old movie play out. Ben and Junior were both on the verge of sleep and Sarah had grabbed a blanket to wrap up in.

The phone rang and Colton grabbed it, staring at the TV while he answered.

"Hello, this is my mama's phone. Oh, hi Austin, I will let you talk to Isa."

He handed the phone over and Isa smiled.

"Hey Ma. What are you and daddy doing? … Oh. Well we're just sitting on the couch-bed watching a silly movie, and I get to cuddle with Indy because Sarah stinks at rock paper scissors… yeah, I miss you but it's okay because I am having fun so I don't miss you that much… okay, talk to Sarah."

Sarah kept the phone for a good ten minutes and was going to pass it off to Junior, but he was in a deep sleep. Lindsay took it instead, yawning as she realized how exhausted she was.

"Hey, how's it going? Are they driving you mad?"

"Nope, not at all. They're all being really good."

"Were they okay at bedtime last night?"

"Yep. There was some scurfuffling about who was going to sleep where, but we got it figured out."

"How's Elvis?"

"He's fine. He mostly just lays around and sleeps. He knows you're gone though. Adam said he'd take him out for a walk later tonight."

"Okay."

"Are you guys having fun?"

"Yeah. It's really nice to get away."

"Where did he take you?"

"I'm not allowed to say."

"Alright then. We'll see you when you get back."

"Okay. Kiss the kids for me."

"I will. Stay safe."

"Bye Lin."

"Bye Aust."

* * *

"Popsicles!" Colton hollered, jumping up and down. "I want blue!"

"No, I want blue!" Isa shouted.

"Purple!" Sarah chirped while Ben and Junior both asked for red.

"Okay, okay, let me just grow an extra hand here," Adam chuckled, trying to unwrap all the popsicles at once. "I want you to go straight out to the porch when you get your popsicle, okay?"

They all nodded and he managed to give all of them their dessert and herd them outside.

"Have they been like this all day?" he asked as Lindsay brought another stack of dishes in from the dining room.

"Yes. They're going to bed early and so am I."

"How did you do it all day?"

"After a while I made them play upstairs. I suggested they play that they were spies and couldn't get caught."

"Who were you, Senator McCarthy?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I love my oddball wife," he chuckled, leaning across the counter to kiss her. "And I missed you today."

"You miss me every day."

"Well I guess that's true. You wanna come here?"

She smiled and joined him, loving how his arms wrapped around her and wishing they could spend a whole day just like this. His heart thumped underneath her ear and they breathed in sync while his hands clasped together against the small of her back.

"This is the life," he said, kissing her forehead.

"Yes it is."

They both sighed and she closed her eyes just to hold onto the peace and tranquility until…

"Mama! Dropped my popsicle!"

"How can they holler through doors?"

"It's a special power, like how you have eyes in the back of your head. Are you going to give him another one?"

"No."

He smiled and they stayed as they were until the kids came parading through the door again.

"Can we go play in the dirt in the backyard? Okay, we're going out there."

Adam and Lindsay just laughed together as the posse of kids trooped out the back door.

"Why do they even need us anymore?"

"No idea. Want me to help you finish the dishes?"

"Nah, I'll do it. I think you'd better go pay some attention to your daughter. She's making that face."

"Hey Tink, what's going on in your corner of the world?"

She grinned and chewed on her hand as he lifted her out of the high chair and kissed her cheek.

"Dada!"

"That's my name."

She grinned and snuggled against him, giggling when he kissed her.

"You grow too much when I'm not home, sweetness. You gotta slow down a little. Don't make daddy sad."

"We've had this talk already. She won't."

"Stubborn child, just like her mama."

"Hey."

He grinned and leaned over the counter to kiss her cheek quickly.

"We're going to go play in the other room. Join us when you can, prune hands."

"You wanna buy me a new dishwasher sometime?"

"We'll see."

She crinkled her nose at him as he left the room.

"What should we play with, Tink?" Adam asked as he sat down on the floor with Avery. She smiled and scooted out of his lap towards the toy basket, pulling out a few things before making her way slowly back to him. She drug a fabric book along with her and handed it to him before he pulled her into his lap again. It was the "Who Loves Baby" book and Avery loved to look at it just because of all the family pictures that were in it.

"Mama and daddy love the baby," he read, opening to the first page. Avery laughed and laughed, pointing at the old picture.

"Mama. Dada."

"Yeah. You look just like your mama, do you know that?"

"Mama."

"Brothers love the baby," he continued, showing her the picture of Colton and Ben holding her as a newborn. She smiled and patted the page before turning to the next one.

"Aunts and uncles love the baby."

Avery hollered happily and touched every face in the Messer family picture.

"Grandmas and grandpas love the baby. Friends love the baby. Everyone loves the baby!"

She clapped her chubby hands together as he finished the book, then turned back to the first page.

"Mama," she said carefully. "Dada."

"Yep, that's us. A long time ago before we had all you munchkins. We took that picture on our first date. I was pretty sure I wanted to be with her forever, but I didn't know it was going to be this good."

Avery smiled and leaned down to place a sloppy kiss on the picture, then patted it again.

"I love this picture too. See how happy we looked? We had no idea it would just get better and better and better."

She laughed uproariously as he blew raspberries against her cheek then held her tight and kissed her properly.

"I love you, Averylin. Do you love me too?"

She squealed in reply, dropping her head to his shoulder and hugging his neck.

"Pretty sure she does," Lindsay said from the doorway before she came to join them on the floor.

"Ah! Mama!"

"Hi gumdrop," she said, taking her daughter from Adam. "I'm gonna kiss your face off."

Avery giggled as Lindsay held her close and attacked her with kisses before sitting her upright. She looked dazed but gave them a gummy smile anyway, jamming her finger into her mouth.

"Wow, that's an old picture," Lindsay mused, looking down at the book that was still open on Adam's lap.

"I know. Seems like forever ago. What's it been now, nine years?"

"I guess so. Everything was so exciting back then."

"It's not exciting now?"

"Nah, it is. Just in a different way."

The back door flew open and all five kids paraded in, covered in dirt and smiles.

"We maked something so cool!" Colton announced. "You have to come and see!"

Adam and Lindsay got up and followed the kids into the backyard.

"Look! A muddy snowperson!"

They'd created a snowman out of mud, complete with stick arms and hair made of leaves. It was joined by several baby snowpeople who were without appendages, but still obviously a part of the muddy family.

"I got mud in my hair!" Isa said, showing them the afflicted strand. "Can I keep it in there?"

"No sweetie, I don't think so. Are you guys done playing in the mud or do you want to stay out here for a while longer?"

"We're done. I think I got mud in my butt!"

"Colton!"

"What? I do!"

"Adam, what are your thoughts on bathing these kids?"

"Ladies first I think. They're less muddy anyway. Why don't you take them upstairs and I'll try to hose the boys off a little bit."

"Okay. Come on girlies, you can have a bubble bath."

"Yay!"

She took them upstairs and rinsed them off with the shower attachment before filling the tub with warm water. Avery hooted and hollered until she was allowed into the tub too.

"Oh my word, Isabeth. Your hair is a tangled mess."

"Yep. My ma wants to cut it but daddy said no way. He says I have to keep it long because that's how I am. And Sarah gets her hair cut because she is proper like that."

"Oh, I see."

"Auntie, be careful of my eyes," Sarah said as Lindsay scrubbed the shampoo through her hair. "No stingin'."

"I'll be very careful, honey. Close them up so I can rinse."

Pretty soon the girls were clean and smelling sweet, wrapped in towels with their hair dripping down their backs.

"Let's go get jammies on."

"But it's still light outside."

"I know. You guys don't have to go to bed for a while, I just think you should at least not be running around naked."

She found pajamas for them and got them dressed in just a few minutes. Avery sat on the floor in her diaper and played with a stuffed animal while Lindsay quickly put braids in the girls hair.

"I look glamorous," Sarah said, looking at herself in the small mirror.

"You are very beautiful," Isa confirmed. "Ow, Indy that hurt!"

"I'm sorry sweetie, you have a huge tangle. Just give me a second, I'll get it out."

"Ow! Ow! OUCH!"

"I'm sorry honey. It's all out, I promise."

"My head just hurts so bad," she sighed. "Bein' pretty is hard work."

"Yes it is. But now you're all done."

"Are you gonna braid your hair Indy?"

"No, I don't think so."

"What about Aves? Is her hair too short?"

"Yeah."

"You know what? Sometimes it is fun to be girly instead of boyish."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. I like to get muddy but I like when my hair is pretty too. What do you think, Sarah?"

"I am a girl all the time."

"Yeah. You don't like boy stuff. Hey Indy, could you tell me 'bout when I was borned?"

"You want to hear that story again for the millionth time?"

"Yeah! I like the part best when you holded me."

"And auntie, then you could tell about when I was borned too?" Sarah asked, climbing into her lap. "I like when Colton called me pretty."

Lindsay chuckled and leaned back against the crib, both girls in her arms as she told them the stories they had requested. They listened with rapt attention while she talked, smiling when she spoke of seeing them for the first time.

"What about when Colton was borned?"

"He was very sick when he was born so he had to stay in the hospital for a while."

"Was he cute? Was he chubby?"

"He was cute but he wasn't chubby yet. He got chubby later though."

"I 'member when Avery was born. And she was cute and little and she sleeped all the time."

"All the live long day," Sarah added softly.

"Yeah, she did. And now she's getting big. She's going to catch up to you two."

"She is very fat, Indy."

"She prefers to be called plump, thank you very much."

Avery noticed they were all looking at her and she giggled, then scooted over to them.

"Auntie, will she crawl very soon?"

"I don't know. She gets around pretty fast just pulling herself like that."

"I will teach her to crawl," Sarah decided assuming the crawling position. "Come on, Averylin. Follow me like this."

Avery scooted after her and Sarah shook her head.

"No, up like me. Here, I will help you."

There was some grunting and fussing, but Sarah finally got Avery up on all fours.

"Now come with me like this. You are a big girl now, and it is time for you to crawl."

Avery followed her, slowly but surely as they made circles around the room.

"Indy?"

"Yes honey?"

"You 'member when I was so little like Aves?"

"I do. You liked music a lot. And dancing with your daddy. And you and Colton liked to fight over toys."

"Yep, we did. I like how he was my best friend then and now too."

"Think you'll be best friends forever?"

"Yep."

"Mama!" Avery giggled, crawling as fast as she could.

"Oh my big girl! I'm so proud of you!"

She giggled and tried to climb into her mother's lap, but Isa was in the way.

"Averylin Grace! Don't push me!" Isa shouted.

"Hey, there's room for everyone, you just need to move a little. Sarah, you want to sit with the girls?"

"Yep."

Lindsay groaned as all three girls moved around on her lap until they were comfortably leaning against her. They talked softly for a while and one by one they started to fall asleep. She was just wondering how she was going to get up when Adam peeked into the room, grinning at them.

"The boys are all asleep too. Bubble baths work wonders."

"Can you help me?"

"Yeah. Who should I get first?"

"Sarah. She won't wake up. Are the boys all in one bed?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Put the girls in the other bed, but make sure Sarah's closer to the wall."

He nodded and leaned down to pick her up, cradling her gently so she would stay asleep. Carefully, he walked across the hall and tucked her in before returning for Isa.

"Dum?" she said softly, nuzzling against his shoulder.

"Go back to sleep, princess. I've got you."

He left the room to tuck her in and Lindsay stood up and laid Avery down on the changing table, quickly putting pajamas on her.

"There you go, lovie. Time for bed."

"Yeah, for us too," Adam whispered from the door. Lindsay nodded as she put Avery down and left the room.

Their bedroom was a little warm when they walked in, so they opened the windows and turned on a fan before changing clothes and sliding into bed.

"Was everything really okay today?"

"Yeah, it was fine."

"Six kids babe, it couldn't have been fine."

"It was. They're all really good. There was some fighting and stuff but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes."

"Because I could stay home tomorrow."

"No, don't do that. It was fine. Loud and crazy but fine."

"Okay. You're amazing, you know."

"Oh stop it."

"You are."

"Okay, well that's good."

He sighed and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

"Can't you just believe me when I tell you that?"

"I believe you. I don't know why you think that, but I believe you."

He sighed and shook his head, leaning down to kiss her.

"Goodnight, crazy."

"Night."

They were quiet for several minutes until she sat up, smiling down at him and framing his face with her hands.

"Thank you for everything you do, Adam. For working long hours and coming home and still being involved and for telling me I'm amazing, even if I don't want to hear it. I couldn't do life without you."

"And I couldn't do it without you, babe."

She smiled and kissed him before settling back down and going to sleep.


	183. Chapter 183

"We're goin' to the park, we're goin' to the park! I wish we could leave right now and we're goin' to the park!"

"Colton, I'm glad you're so happy about going to the park, but could you please attenuate the cacophony?"

"What does that mean?" Sarah asked with a grimace.

"She means shut up but she means it nice and with manners," Colton explained. "She doesn't want me to sing about the park anymore."

"Oh, I see. When are we leaving?"

"In a little while, but you kids need to brush your hair and teeth and put shoes on and let me put sunscreen on your faces."

"So much work to do," Colton sighed. "Come on, other kids, let's start."

He led them upstairs and Lindsay sighed, looking over at Avery who was slapping her hand into her oatmeal.

"Oh baby."

"Mama!"

"Are you done? Do you want to get down?"

Avery smiled and pushed her bowl away, so Lindsay got her out of the chair and wiped her face and hands.

"Let's go get you dressed. I think you might be grown out of all your shorts."

They went upstairs where the kids were running around in various states of dress, playing some kind of game that Lindsay didn't have the energy to interrupt. Austin and Danny would be back this afternoon and the last four days had left her exhausted. She'd do another four days or even weeks if they needed her to, but she was looking forward to a little more quiet.

"Indy, I can't fix my dang belt!" Isa sighed, trying to work the buckle on the zebra print belt. "It's just not workin'!"

"Come here, sweets, I'll fix it."

She used one hand to hold Avery and the other to fix Isa's belt, applauding herself for being so flexible.

"Thanks Indy. When's my ma comin'?"

"They'll be here after lunch."

"Oh. Okay."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just thought they were comin' after breakfast."

"I know you miss them."

"Yep. But we're goin' to the park!"

"Yes we are. Can you do me a huge favor? Can you go downstairs and find matching sandals for all the kids?"

"Yep! And even for Avery too?"

"No, I've got some for her up here."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

"Hey wait a minute. Aren't you forgetting a hug and a kiss?"

Isa giggled and came back, hugging Lindsay around the waist and accepting the kiss to her cheek.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Indy."

She ran back out of the room and Lindsay gave a wistful smile. As tired as she was, it was going to be weird not having the three extra pieces of her heart with her every day. She would miss Isa's hugs and Sarah's quiet comments and the way Junior always patted her hand as he walked by. It was going to be weird to be without them.

"We are all ready!" Colton announced, peeking into the room. "Mama, the baby Aves isn't even dressed yet!"

"I know, we're almost done. Go get shoes on."

"Okay. Come on other kids, let's go!"

"What do you think, baby girl? Should we give you the Pebbles Flintstone look?"

Avery smiled and chewed on her hand while Lindsay pulled her red curls into a purple bow to match her clothes.

"Hey honey, want to do me a favor? Don't ever lose those big blue eyes of yours. Daddy needs a baby that's got his eyes."

Avery nodded slowly, not because she agreed, but because it was her newest skill to nod or shake her head when a question was posed. Lindsay just smiled and kissed her cheeks before lifting her off the changing table.

"Okay, let's get out of here."

* * *

"No Ben! We are teaching you soccer!" Colton shouted, exasperated.

"Soccer means only kicking. No hands," Isa added, a little gentler.

"But I run fast if I hold it," Ben argued, thoroughly confused.

"You have to learn then. See, Junior can do it good. You kick when you run."

"I not like sports," Ben sighed, crossing his arms. "I play with Sarah now."

He turned away from the faux soccer game and joined Sarah at the tree line, crouching down with her to look for bugs. Lindsay watched the entire thing over the top of her book, snickering at how established all the kids personalities were. It never failed to be humorous.

Colton, Isa, and Junior kicked the ball between them in a circle while Sarah and Ben crawled over the grass and Avery napped on a blanket. Lindsay felt like napping herself but she had to keep an eye on the kids, no matter how capable they were of taking care of themselves.

Her phone rang and she put her book down, checking the screen before answering.

"Hey Aust."

"Hey. How are the kids?"

"They're good. We're at the park because the house doesn't really do so well at letting the noise out."

"I was wondering how long it would be before you had to jump out the escape hatch."

"It's not bad, just loud."

"Well you'll have a reprieve in about three hours, if I can coax Danny away from the lake."

"Take your time, we're good here. Adam was just covering a half shift today so he'll be home soon. Don't worry about rushing."

"Okay. I gotta go, but give all the kids a kiss for me."

"I will. You guys drive safe, okay?"

"We will. I love you."

"I love you too."

She hung up the phone and was about to pick up her book again when she heard Ben calling for her.

"Mama! Need help!"

"What do you need help with, baby?" she asked, making her way over to where he and Sarah were kneeling on the ground.

"This rock, auntie. Can you turn it over? There will be bugs underneath it."

"Yeah, sure."

She flipped the rock over and they both gasped at the pill bugs and worms that had been happily living in the moist ground.

"Oh man, Benjamin look at them all!"

"Catch 'em!"

They set to work gathering the bugs and some dirt into the old baby food jars that Sarah had insisted she needed to bring. Lindsay helped them for a moment, then stood up to check on the rest of the kids.

It all happened in slow motion. The ball shot across the grass and into the street. Isa chased after it, her tennis shoe hitting the pavement just as a car came around the corner. Tires squealed, a horn honked and the car swerved. Isa stumbled back in fright, falling into the grass, the wind knocked out of her.

Lindsay's feet had never carried her so fast before, and her chest had never been so tight with terror as she raced over and knelt at Isa's side, making sure she was okay. She hadn't seen the entire thing, the car had been so close that she couldn't tell if Isa had actually been hit or not and the way she'd stumbled back and tripped over the curb made it look almost as if the car had clipped her.

"Are you hurt? Isa talk to me."

"I'm okay."

Lindsay hugged her tightly for a moment before the adrenaline started to set in more.

"What were you thinking? You know you can't just run out in the street! You didn't even look! Why would you do something so careless? You could have been hit by that car. You could have been killed!"

Isa didn't say another word as Lindsay hugged her again.

"Don't you ever, ever do something like that again. Ever, do you understand me, Isabeth?"

Isa didn't speak, just set her mouth in a tight line while Lindsay gripped her shoulders and stared into her eyes.

"We're leaving," Lindsay decided after a moment. "We're going home. Now."

The other kids just stood there quietly, watching the scene unfold. None of them had ever seen Lindsay lose it like that, and none of them had ever seen Isa so obviously upset over something.

They picked up all their things, settling Avery in the stroller and finding a buddy to hold hands with as they walked. Colton held Isa's hand and they led the way, not saying a word to each other. Ben and Junior were right behind them, talking quietly, confused about what had just happened and trying to figure it out. Sarah held onto the stroller and stole glances at Lindsay every few steps. She understood that Lindsay had been scared, but she was worried that Isa was going to get in trouble for making a mistake, when she was so upset already.

"Auntie?"

"Yes?"

"Are you very mad?"

"No. It just scared me."

"Me too. My tummy still hurts a little."

Lindsay reached down and pulled Sarah a little closer, needing just a sliver of calm. Her heart was still racing and every time she blinked she saw it all again. Her hands were actually shaking now and they needed to get home so she could sit down and breathe for a moment. She also knew she was going to have to apologize for the yelling. Isa was like her mom, yelling like that scared her and made her want to run away. There was no excuse for it except that she couldn't stop it because she'd been so scared.

"Mama," Colton said quietly as they made their way up the front steps. "Me and Isa are going to go talk upstairs and we don't want the other kids to come and play with us for a while, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

She didn't really like that they wanted to exclude the other kids, but she had a feeling Isa just needed to be alone and quiet for a bit. She'd go check on them later. They went upstairs and Ben, Junior and Sarah found a puzzle to do, pouring it out on the hardwood floor and starting to put it together. Avery was just waking up, so Lindsay sat down on the couch with her, cuddling her close and trying to get her equilibrium back. She knew the crisis had been averted, but her stomach still seemed to be eating away at itself.

Sighing, she settled Avery on the floor with some toys and went upstairs. The boys bedroom door was closed and she knocked on it softly, wanting to press her ear to the wood and hear what they were saying, but not wanting to betray their trust like that.

"Who is it?" Colton asked.

"It's mama, can I come in?"

There was a long pause and she could hear talking but she couldn't make out any words.

"Okay, you can come in."

She opened the door and found the kids sitting side by side on the bed. They both looked up at her with wide eyes and she sat on the end of the bed, taking a deep breath.

"Colton, can you go downstairs and keep and eye on your sister while I talk to Isa?"

He looked over at his best friend for permission, then nodded.

"I will be right back in just a minute, Sweet Thing."

He scooted off the bed and out the door and Lindsay looked over at Isa, not sure where to begin. She wanted to just pull the little girl into her arms and hug her and tell her it was all okay, but Isa was too much like Austin for that to ever work out well.

"Sweetheart," she started gently, noting the way Isa stiffened at the word. "I'm sorry I yelled at you. I was just scared and sometimes when you get scared you do things like that. I wasn't yelling because I was mad, Isa. I'm really sorry."

Isa nodded, then stood up from the bed.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," she said quietly before leaving the room. Lindsay sighed and leaned back against the wall. This was going to be a lot harder than she'd thought.

* * *

"They're here! They're here! Isa, Daniel, they're here!"

The shouting was very uncharacteristic for Sarah, but there was no denying her joy at seeing her parents. She jumped off the couch and flung the door open, squealing in delight when Danny lifted her into his arms.

"Hi daddy! Did you have fun with my ma?"

"Yeah, of course I did. Did you miss me?"

She nodded and kept her arms tightly around him as they came inside.

"Hey, can't I get some lovin' too?" Austin asked, her hands on her hips.

"Yep!"

Sarah launched herself from her dad to her mom while Junior came barreling down the stairs.

"Daddy!"

"Hey sport!"

Danny knelt down and caught his son in a hug, while Isa creeped around the corner shyly, her eyes lit up with playfulness. She wanted to sneak up on them but she couldn't hold it in any longer and she ran to Austin, grabbing onto her leg.

"Ma, pick me up too! I am so glad you're here, let's go home."

"Hey, now wait a minute. We need to get your stuff together first."

"Uh-uh. Dum already did that for us. See? Our bags are packed."

"Well don't you want to say bye to the kids?"

"Oh yeah."

The three kids ran back up the stairs to say goodbye while Lindsay joined Austin and Danny by the door.

"Were they good? I mean really?" Austin asked warily. She knew her kids weren't bad, but she'd worried about their ability to make even the most simple situations crazy.

"Yeah, they were fine."

"You don't sound okay."

Lindsay sighed as Danny picked up the kids backpacks.

"Isa's not talking to me. It's a long story, she's not in trouble or anything, but she's not happy either."

"What happened?"

Lindsay hesitated as the kids all came down the stairs.

"I'll tell you later."

"Do I need to know?"

"No, it's okay. We'll figure it out."

"Linds, if she's upset, I want to know why."

"Maybe you should just talk to her about it."

Austin sighed, knowing Lindsay was right, but wanting to get the whole things sorted out now.

"Okay kids, say thank you to Adam and Lindsay for putting up with you."

Sarah and Junior both hugged Lindsay and then Adam, thanking them for the fun time. Isa hesitated for a moment before she walked over and hugged Adam.

"Thanks for playing with us, Dum."

"You're welcome, princess."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

She scampered off and was partway out the door when Austin grabbed her arm.

"Hey, aren't you going to say bye to your Indy?"

Isa sighed and turned around but didn't move closer, keeping her eyes trained on the floor.

"Bye Lindsay," she said finally before turning and running outside to the car and jumping into the backseat. Lindsay took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Not hearing "Indy" was really a knife to the heart.

"Linds, what happened between you two?"

"We were at the park and she ran out in the street to get the ball and a car almost hit her and I freaked out and I yelled at her. I was just scared and I tried to explain that to her, but she didn't want to hear it."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's… whatever."

"You and her not getting along is like you and me not getting along."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'll talk to her about it."

"Alright."

"Thanks for taking them. We owe you one."

"No you don't."

"Well I'm taking you out to dinner anyway, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll talk to Isa and then call you later."

Lindsay nodded and Austin hugged her.

"It's going to be fine. She's still going to love you."

"Okay."

"I gotta go. I'll talk to you later."

Lindsay nodded and closed the door after her.

"Babe, you alright?" Adam asked from the couch.

"Yeah. I'm going to go lay down for a little bit."

"Linds, she's just stubborn. She doesn't hate you."

"No, but she might think she does."

"She'll get over it."

"Yeah, maybe."

She didn't say another word, just went upstairs and crawled into bed. She wasn't just sad, she really was exhausted and figured an hour of sleep might do the trick. Her eyes were just closing when she heard small feet walking towards her.

"Mama?"

"Colton?"

He sighed and climbed up onto the bed next to her, mirroring her position.

"You should not have yelled at Isa."

"Honey, I wasn't really yelling at her because I was mad."

"I know. You was scared. That's what she told me. But you didn't have to yell. Her feelings is hurt so bad."

"I know that. And I told her I was sorry. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, Colton."

He sighed and reached over to pat her face.

"But you did hurt them, mama."

She knew he wasn't trying to talk down to her at all, he was just talking to her the same way they talked to him when he'd gotten into an argument with Ben.

"What do you think I should to do make it better?"

"I don't know, mama. She told me that she is scared of you for yellin' and she doesn't want you to yell at her again."

"I know."

"Maybe after she has cool off time it won't be bad anymore. I will talk to her later."

"Okay."

He sat up, then leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"I was scared too, mama. I thought Isa was gonna die. But she didn't and I will hug her more harder every day now."

She smiled and reached over to tuck his hair back.

"You are a very smart dude, Colton Ross."

"Yeah, I learned it from you and daddy."

He leaned down and hugged her tightly.

"It'll be alright, mama. Isa loves you just like I love Austin. And this family sticks together forever, that's the law."

"Thank you for reminding me, bud."

He leaned down and kissed her cheek,

"And I love you, mama."

"I love you too."


	184. Chapter 184

A/N: That episode! Oh my word. I am verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

* * *

"MAMA! DADDY!"

The horrified cry pierced the night and Lindsay gasped, shooting up in bed and pressing her hand to her chest. It was three in the morning and Ben had been waking up every few nights for the last two weeks, always at this time.

"I'll go," Adam offered, rubbing his eyes.

"Sure?"

"You have to work in the morning."

"Come get me if you need me."

He nodded and made his way quickly downstairs where Ben was still screaming and crying as if he was being tortured.

"Ben, shh. It's daddy, you're okay," he said, sitting down on the bed. Colton was already there, trying to wake his brother up from the nightmare.

"No! Scary! No!"

"Ben wake up! Nothing will get you," Colton pleaded, holding his brothers hand. "Daddy is here and he is strong. You are safe, just wake up."

Adam pulled his son into his arms, holding him firmly so he couldn't fight back.

"Benjamin, it's time for you to wake up now. You're having a bad dream, but nothing can get you. I need you to wake up, son."

Ben continued to wail shaking his head as he tried to wake up. Adam stood up and tried to jiggle him awake at least a little, but it only made the crying slightly quieter.

"Colton, go ahead and go back to sleep."

"Is he okay, daddy?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine."

He took Ben out of the room and down the stairs, talking softly to him.

"You're safe, Ben. I have you and I won't let anything happen to you. It's time to wake up now, alright? I need you to wake up for me. Come on, buddy."

Ben let out a whimper and shook himself awake, his entire body trembling with exertion.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, it's me. You're alright bud."

Ben pulled in a frightened breath and broke into more tears, clutching at Adam as tightly as he could.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy."

"You're okay, son. You're just fine."

He kept crying and Adam sat down in the rocking chair, pulling a blanket around them and rocking gently back and forth.

"Shh. It's alright, son. Nothing can hurt you. You're safe in my arms. I'll never let anything happen to you."

They rocked back and forth like that for almost an hour, Ben crying without letting up and Adam trying to reassure him everything was okay. They knew night terrors were common in kids, it was a phase that would pass eventually. But they had been getting more frequent and severe, and Ben was harder to wake up every time too. They needed to get some help; they couldn't all be waking up for this long every night. Ben would sleep in really late in the morning afterwards, then be listless and lazy for the rest of the day.

Finally he wore himself out, having cried so hard that his throat was raw and his eyes were almost swollen shut.

"Come on, buddy. You can sleep with me and mama for the rest of the night."

They went upstairs and Adam checked on Colton and Avery who were both sleeping soundly. Lindsay was only half asleep and didn't waste any time taking Ben into her arms and holding him as tight as she could get him.

"We can't keep doing this," she sighed.

"I know."

"What are we going to do?"

"I don't know babe."

"I feel so bad for him. I don't think he really understands why we can't make it better."

Adam nodded and was quiet for a while. It really bothered him to see his son so upset and it was even worse when he didn't know what was wrong.

"Maybe I should call the doctor in the morning. See if she has any ideas."

"Okay."

They were quiet for a second before Adam half-chuckled.

"Remember when you were pregnant with Ben and we'd lay here like this, and the closer I got to you, the more he would kick?"

She gave a small smile and nodded.

"We said he'd be a mama's boy because he was already staking out his territory."

"I miss you being pregnant."

"Why?"

"Because. It's like a mystery."

"I like "Well I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder, what's in a Wonderball?""

"Exactly," he chuckled, reaching over to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Go back to sleep. We'll figure all this out tomorrow."

She yawned and leaned down to kiss Ben, taking a moment to pray that this would stop happening to him.

* * *

"Daddy?"

"Hey bud, you're up."

Ben nodded and yawned, shuffling into the dining room, rubbing his eyes.

"What is you doin' on the computer?"

"I'm just reading some stuff. Do you want breakfast?"

"Yeah. Where's mama?"

"She went to work."

"Where's Cole?"

"He's at school."

"Sissy?"

"She's down for her first nap."

"I sleeped long time."

"Yeah. You had a bad dream, remember?"

"No. I did wake up in the dark. You was there and you rocked me."

"Yeah. Do you remember your dream?"

"No, I do not. I feeled creepy."

"What do you mean by that?"

Ben shivered hard, then reached around to touch his back.

"Like that, daddy. There. And scared too."

Adam's brow furrowed, not knowing what his son meant but, storing it away to think about later.

"What are you hungry for, buddy?"

"Um, just toast. I want to call mama please."

"Okay. Here, dial the number 1 and the star."

Ben nodded and pressed the buttons, smiling when the screen lit up.

"Look, a picture of my mama!"

"Yeah, that's her."

Ben smiled and yawned again, climbing up into the office chair and opening up a game of Minesweeper while he waited for Lindsay to answer.

"Hello?"

"Hi mama."

"Hey sweetheart. Did you just wake up?"

"Yup. I got sleepin' voice?"

"Yeah, you do a little. How are you feeling?"

"I feel tired. Daddy's makin' me breaffist."

"Oh, okay. Where's sister?"

"Sleepin'. I wish you would be here for mornin' cuddles."

"I'm sorry, baby. I had to go to work and I didn't want to wake you up because you were sleeping so hard."

"I miss you, mama. Muchly."

Lindsay chuckled.

"You say muchly like Austin does."

"Yu-huh. When you will come home to me, mama?"

"Around dinner time. Will you be ready for snuggles then?"

"I try to be. I gonna snuggle sissy today for she was cranky yesterday."

"Oh, I see."

"My food is ready, mama. I will talk to you later."

"Let me talk to daddy, okay?"

He didn't say goodbye, just traded Adam the phone for his breakfast.

"Hey babe."

"Hey. Did you call the doctor?"

"Yeah. She said she can see him tomorrow afternoon."

"Did she have any idea what it might be?"

"No. She just said that it's fairly common, but with it getting more severe she wants to check him over and make sure it's not some strange side-effect from his surgery."

"She didn't sound worried?"

"Nah. She said that if he has them at the same time every night, we should start waking him up about that time and hopefully break him out of that sleep cycle."

"I guess we're setting our alarms for three a.m."

"I guess."

"Hey honey, I gotta go. Machines beeping everywhere."

"Go save the world. I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up and Ben looked at Adam, a ring of peanut butter around his mouth.

"Daddy, I are sick and to go to the doctor?"

"No, we're just going in to talk to your doctor."

"For why?"

"To see if she can help so you don't have bad dreams anymore."

"Oh. I not like them bad dreams. They's bad, daddy."

"I know. Finish your breakfast and then get dressed and I'll take you and Avery to the shoe store."

"Why?"

"Because you both need new shoes."

"But… mama does that job."

"Well yeah, usually she does but today you need shoes and she's working so I'm taking you. How hard could it be?"

"Oh daddy," Ben sighed, patting his shoulder. "You don't know."

* * *

"This is the third night in a row," Lindsay sighed, throwing her blankets off and standing up from the bed.

"What time is it?"

"Two."

"I'm coming with you."

They made their way downstairs and found Ben half out of bed, clawing at the air and screaming. Colton was sitting up in his own bed, blankets pulled up to his chin while he cried. Without discussion, Adam went to Colton and calmed him down while Lindsay tried to wake Ben.

"Sweetheart, it's mama. Time to wake up."

"No! No do that!"

"Benjamin, open your eyes. It's a dream and it's not real."

"Go 'way from me!" he hollered, kicking his legs and catching her in the hip. "No!"

Adam cam over to help her and they lifted Ben out of bed while he hollered and cried.

"Okay, let's go downstairs."

The three of them made their way downstairs and were standing in the entryway when Ben suddenly screamed again, his hands in fists as he tried to twist away from them. Lindsay held onto him the best that she could while Adam held onto them both tightly, at his wits end about what to do.

"You're alright, Ben. Nothing bad will happen. Daddy and mama are both here. You're safe."

"We love you, Benjamin," Adam continued softly. "We'll never let anything happen to you. It's time to wake up. I promise, nothing scary is out here. Just wake up, buddy."

Ben whimpered and groaned as his body went limp, exhausted from fighting the horrors in his mind.

"Safe?" he whispered softly.

"Yes Ben. You're safe. Daddy and I are both here."

"Somethin' bad happen."

"It did? What was it?"

"Dunno."

His words came slow and quiet and they knew he was only awake enough to not be dreaming, but not awake enough to really hold a conversation. They knew it was a good idea to wake him up more so he would pull completely out of the dream, so they took him into the kitchen for a drink of water.

"Mama?" he asked after two large gulps of water. "Is you sad?"

"No, baby. I'm not sad."

He looked up at her curiously before nodding.

"You worried then. 'Bout me. And the bad dreams."

"How do you know that?"

"Because your face telled me."

"It did?"

"Uh-huh. And your talkin' too."

"Oh, I see."

"Daddy, you scared?"

"A little bit. I just don't know what's happening to you and why it's happening and I know I can't fix it."

Ben nodded and held his arms up.

"I scared to sleep. Snuggle in big bed please?"

Adam nodded and picked him up while Lindsay shut off the lights and they made their way upstairs. Lindsay peeked in on Colton, going into the room to tuck the blankets around him a little more. She dropped a kiss to his cheek and he sighed, reaching for her as he woke up a little.

"Mama? What is wrong with Ben? Why is he so angry when he sleeps?"

"He's not angry, honey. He just has really, really bad nightmares. Remember how I told you that I used to have nightmares like that sometimes?"

"But not now because you sleep next to daddy and he makes the scary stuff go away."

"Yeah."

"But mama, why? What is Ben scared of? What happened to make him so scared?"

"What do you mean?"

"He is just a little boy. He should not know to be scared unless something scary happened in his real life. What happened to him, mama?"

"No, nothing happened, baby. Dreams are just… we can't always explain them."

"But I need to 'splain it so he is not scared."

Lindsay took a deep breath, not wanting to cry in front of him because that would only worry him more.

"I don't have any answers for you baby. I just don't right now. We'll figure it out. It will get better."

"I am worried for my brother, mama."

"I know you are. You just let me and daddy worry about him."

"I just love Ben. I want him to be happy and okay."

"I know. That's because you're a good big brother."

"I am?"

"Yes. You are the best big brother in the whole entire world."

"Oh wow."

She smiled and leaned down to kiss him again.

"Go back to sleep little man. I'll see you in the morning."

She left the room and checked on Avery who was sleeping soundly, her arms raised and her hands curled up near her ears. Lindsay didn't disturb her, just took a second to brush back her thick curls, then left the room and headed upstairs.

"What they would do, daddy?"

"Well before we went to the doctor, you would have to stay up all night long."

"Late?"

"Yeah, late. Mama or I would stay up with you. Then we would go to the doctor. They would put sensors all over your noggin and the sensors would tell them what your brain was doing. Then you would get to go to sleep and the sensors would keep working to show the doctors what is going on in there that makes you have bad dreams."

"Them sensors hurt?"

"No, they just put them on your forehead like stickers. You might get to wear a hat of some kind."

"We could do it soon? I need learn sleepin' better."

"We'll talk about it. For now why don't you just try to get some rest. Mama and I will be right here."

"Thanks takin' care of me."

* * *

"Oh honey, you don't look so good," Jo commented, her face turned into a frown.

"Yeah. We haven't been sleeping much," Lindsay replied with a sigh.

"Everything okay?"

"Ben's having nightmares. Or night terrors. I don't know. He screams in his sleep and he fights us when we try to wake him up. Sometimes it goes on for just a few minutes, other times it's longer. It keeps getting worse too. Last week it happened a few times and we could get him back to sleep afterwards but the last few nights have been really bad."

"What happens?"

"Last night we went in to wake him up before we thought he would start having the dreams and just as we walked in the door he sat straight up and started screaming. We tried to touch him and he screamed louder. Colton was upset, Avery was crying and we just didn't know what to do."

"How long did he scream?"

"Probably just a few seconds but it seemed like forever. His eyes were open and he was staring straight at us, but he was asleep still. Then he got up and was trying to run away or something. It was really scary and we didn't know what to do for him."

"Have you taken him to the doctor?"

"Yeah. She suggested a sleep study to find out what sleep cycle he's having the dreams in. She said she wouldn't be worried but with it happening almost every night she thinks there might be something wrong. They say it should happen between one and four hours after he falls asleep, but it's not happening until he's been asleep for six hours or more. She thinks that he might be waking up once earlier than we think, maybe from regular nightmares that are making the night terrors worse later."

Jo nodded and joined her on the stiff office couch, not really caring that they had evidence to process. It could wait.

"You know, Ellie had nightmares when she was Ben's age."

"She did?"

"Yeah. I'm sure hers had more to do with what was going on in her life, with her mother the way she was and everything else."

"What did you do for her?"

"I just brought her to bed with me for a while. Then I had her sleep in my room, then eventually she slept in her own bed. She just had to learn that she was fine and nothing would happen. It's not the same as what Ben's going through but I understand how scary it is and how helpless you feel."

"I just don't know what to do for him. And then Colton asked me the other day if it was because something bad happened to Ben. And I know nothing did. He's only ever with us or Danny and Austin or you and Mac. I know nothing happened to him at all but then I wonder if he saw something on TV or just… I don't know. I don't know why he's so scared or how he even knows to be scared."

"You know that you haven't done anything wrong, right?"

"I know. We keep telling him we're trying to make it better and I wish that we really could. It's so hard to watch him like this."

"Lindsay, you know that this has nothing to do with you or Adam as parents, right?"

"I don't know."

"No, listen to me. This is something that is happening that neither of you have any control over. It's not happening because you did something wrong and you are doing everything you can to help him. Do you know that?"

"I know."

"Linds…"

"I can't make him better," she said softly, holding back the tears of frustration and guilt. "I'm supposed to always make it better for him and I can't. I failed him."

"Oh sweetheart," Jo sighed, pulling her friend into her arms. "You didn't fail him. Failing him means not standing up for him, not fighting to help him. You're not failing, Lindsay. I don't want to hear you say that again. You are an amazing mother and struggles or not, those kids are so lucky to have you. Do you understand me? I know it's hard and I know it hurts to see your baby go through this, but it will get better."

"We're all so tired," she said, letting the tears finally fall. "I can't even tell myself that it will be better in the morning because before we get to the morning it happens again. He's starting to get scared during the day too, he wants to know where all of us are all the time. When he knows someone's at work he asks us to call them and make sure they're okay. I don't know how to comfort him anymore. Adam's so worried about him that he can't sleep and then he feels sick so he doesn't eat and so he's been losing weight and I'm worried about him too. I feel like I'm trying to hold us all together and I can't."

"Yes you can, Lindsay. You need to stop thinking of the worst things here. I know it's hard to even see past any of it, but I promise you, you're going to figure it out. It's hard because it's your baby and you want to protect him but you don't know how. You're frustrated and scared and that is okay. That's normal. You need to remember that while this is disturbing his sleep cycles and making him scared, it's not harming him. It might feel like it, but it's not."

"But he's so scared."

"Honey, do you think part of the reason he's so scared is because he knows you're scared?"

"Probably. I put on a really brave face for him but he can see right through it. He knows how I feel before I even feel it."

"He can read you really well."

"Yeah."

"Why do you think that is?"

"I'm not sure. I think that's just who he is, he's very compassionate and he just cares about everyone else so much. And part of it might be other things too."

"Such as?"

Lindsay wiped her eyes and sighed, sitting up a little.

"I think that when I was sick he didn't understand it. Not that Colton did either, but Ben was only a year and a half old. He couldn't ask questions or really understand when we said that I was sick. He just knew that I cried a lot and I didn't get out of bed and I didn't always want to play. I think he tried to figure it out and he learned me really well. He's more sensitive to me than Colton is because he had to be. He had to just guess a lot. And I think that because I got pregnant with him right after I was depressed too, there was a lot of heightened emotions that got transferred to him. So it's hard to tell him that I'm not scared because he can see right through that. Maybe the problem is he doesn't know that it's okay to be scared sometimes."

"You know what I think Ben needs?"

"What?"

"I think he needs some one on one time with his mama. I know it won't chase away the bad dreams but it might make him feel a little more secure."

"That's a good idea. I haven't had time with just him in a while. Adam does it a lot but I'm always running errands or cleaning or taking care of things for the other kids. He gets lost in the shuffle a lot."

"Maybe some time out of the house will help him too."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"I'm off, I can take Avery for you."

"Really?"

"Of course. You know I would do anything for those kids, and for you."

"I know. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now take a deep breath and just keep reminding yourself it's going to be okay."

"It's going to be okay."

"That's my girl."

"Thanks, Jo."

"You're welcome. You come and find me if you need to talk more, alright?"

"I will."

* * *

"That a fancy lunch, mama," Ben commented as they strolled down the sidewalk to their car. "Yummy too!"

"I'm glad you liked it."

"I enjoyed the 'brella in my drink."

"Yeah, that was a nice touch wasn't it?"

"Mama, can you an' me go there for always? Jus' you an' me?"

"You want to make that our special place?"

"Yeah. When I am a old big boy too. Old like daddy."

She crouched down and smiled at him before grabbing him in a hug.

"Nothing would make me happier. I will always go there with you and no one else."

"That is special," he decided with a nod of his head. "I love you, mama."

"I love you too, Benjamin."

They stayed like that for a moment longer before she stood up and took his hand.

"I think on the way home we should get some hot chocolate because it's such a gloomy day."

"Oh yes! We get some for Jo-Jo say thank you for watchin' sissy?"

"Sure, we can do that."

He smiled and skipped along beside her, looking more rested and happy than he had been in a while. His little hand was soft and warm in hers and she wanted to pick him up and kiss him all over for how sweet he was. She'd save it for later, when he was sleepy and wanted to be cuddled anyway.

They made it to the car and hopped inside, then headed for home. Ben stared out the window and counted buildings as they passed, but just the brick ones because he didn't like the other kinds.

"Hey mama, it's rainin'," he reported after a while, watching the raindrops chase each other down his window.

"Ben?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to go dance in the rain with me?"

"Yeah!"

She turned down a sidestreet and stopped the car at the park, then helped him out of his seat. It wasn't pouring but it wasn't just sprinkling either and he grinned up at her as she reached in the car to turn the radio up. They hopped through puddles and spun in circles and laughed until their cheeks were red. Ben squealed with joy as she swept him off his feet and held him close, singing along with the old Patsy Cline ballad that could barely be heard over the now driving rain.

"Fly the ocean in a silver plane. See the jungle when it's wet with rain. Just remember 'til you're home again, you belong to me. I'd be so lonesome without you, maybe you'd be lonesome too, in blue. Fly the ocean in a silver plane. See the jungle when it's wet with rain. Just remember 'til you're home again, you belong to me."

She slowed their dancing down and he rested his forehead against hers.

"You 'long to me too, mama. Okay?"

"Okay."

He hugged her tightly around the neck and she breathed him in for a moment before the wind picked up.

"We'd better go, buddy."

"Okay."

She got him situated in his seat, then got in the car and turned the heaters up full blast.

"Thank you for this day, mama. Love you very much."

She smiled and reached back to hold his hand.

"I love you too, Benjamin. I promise you, everything is going to be alright again."

He nodded and gave her hand a squeeze and neither one of them said anything else as they listened to the rain.


	185. Chapter 185

A/N: A lot of new alerters lately. Hi folks! Say hi, don't be shy. I don't bite. Unless you're a warm piece of sourdough bread with butter. Then I am vicious. Also if you have a good grasp of the Harry Potter world will make this chapter slightly better but it's not necessary.

* * *

In retrospect, letting Adam plan the Halloween costumes for all six kids might not have been the most grand idea to ever come to fruition in their family. He assured them that he had something really awesome planned, they wouldn't have to do anything, and besides, Danny would help him get all the kids dressed anyway. Lindsay remained skeptical while Austin was completely unconvinced, and it was with trepidation that they walked up the porch steps after work on Halloween evening.

"I wonder if he dressed them up as the Brady kids. Colton would make a pretty good Greg," Austin noted.

"If that's not what he did, that's what we're doing next year. That or the Partridges."

"Oh yes! I love that we so get each other."

Lindsay chuckled and opened the front door where they were greeted by silence.

"Anyone home?"

There was a small noise in the living room and they peeked in, finding Avery sitting on the floor, dressed as a cat. She smiled and crawled over to them, reaching up to Lindsay and meowing.

"Are you a kitty?" Lindsay asked with a grin, kissing the chubby, whisker lined cheek.

"Mow," Avery replied with a smile. No wonder Adam had been trying to teach her what kitties say.

"Well you make a very cute kitty. Where are the rest of the kids?"

"We are in here! Ready to see us?" Colton shouted from the dining room.

"We're ready."

Out marched all five kids, dressed up like characters from Harry Potter.

"My name is Albus Percival Wolfric Brian Dumbledore!" Colton said, raising his fake wand in the air. "I am old and wise."

"And I am Minerva McGonogall," Isa added. "I am the most awesome woman in the whole world."

Sarah grinned then, knowing it was her turn.

"I am Hermione Granger because I am smart and brave and a great warrior."

"I am Ron Weasley," Junior said as he itched at the red wig he was wearing. "I will always take care of my friends."

"And I am 'Arry Pottah!" Ben shouted in a terrible British accent. "I wear glasses. Expecto Patronum!"

Lindsay and Austin laughed as the kids danced around with their wands.

"That must mean you're Crookshanks, huh baby?" Lindsay asked as Avery meowed again.

"Yep. That's my kitty," Sarah said with a nod. "Uncle Adam let us watch the movie. So we could learn our characters."

"Oh, I see."

"Daddy watched it with us. He liked it too, even though he told Uncle Adam it was a geek movie."

Austin snorted and shook her head as the guys came out of the dining room.

"Well, what do you think?"

"I am actually pretty surprised it turned out this well."

"I have been planning it for a few months you know."

"Yes I do. Who did Avery's hair?" she asked, giggling at the two ponytails that stood up behind the cat ears.

"I did," Danny said proudly. "I thought they looked pretty good."

"They do. Are you kids ready to trick or treat?"

"Yes!"

They all jumped up and down with excitement as Adam handed out the pillowcases he'd let them decorate the week before.

"Is it just me or did Adam miss his calling as a preschool teacher?"

Lindsay snorted at the observation but nodded in agreement as all the kids lined up by the door.

"Okay, are you guys going to remember to say thank you when someone gives you candy?"

"Yes mama. And no runnin' away and always hold hands to cross the street and no eating any candy until you grown-ups 'spected it. We already know. Daddy told us."

"Alright then, let's go."

Avery was plopped into the stroller and the rest of the kids made sure they were holding a hand before they made their way down the street. It wasn't very late so there weren't many people out and several of the houses gave the kids handfuls of candy rather than just one or two pieces.

After an hour all the kids had bulging pillow cases, tired feet and cranky voices. They'd gone out before eating dinner so they could still get to bed at a decent hour, and they were going to need food soon or there would be meltdowns.

It started to rain just as they made it inside and the kids plopped down by the fireplace to look at their loot. There were excited shouts about the good candies and groans of disappointment at the peppermints and boxes of raisins. They had all gotten mostly the same things and sat there swapping for their favorites while Austin and Lindsay got dinner ready.

"So how's Ben doing?" Austin asked, slicing the loaf of bread so there would be enough for all of them.

"Better. He still has nightmares quite a bit, but not the night terrors he was having before. He falls back to sleep a lot faster."

"What are you doing different?"

"We make sure he has a quiet time during the day so he's not exhausted at bedtime. He doesn't have any red meat at dinner and he eats more vegetables during the day. He goes to bed and wakes up at the same times every day so he has a better schedule. We took the nightlight out of their room and put it in the hallway instead so they still have light under their door but it stays darker and there aren't shadows there to scare him when he wakes up."

"Does he wake up a lot?"

"Every night now. Not always from nightmares though. Most of the time he just crawls into bed with Colton and goes right back to sleep, but he does have nightmares about three times a week."

"Does it bother him?"

"Apparently not. We were talking about it last night before I put him to bed and I said I was doing my best to help him and he said "It's okay mama, that is just how I am." And that made me feel worse because it's like he doesn't want me to worry about him or something."

"He's just trying to be brave."

"I know. But he shouldn't be. He's just a little boy. He should cry when he's scared not try to comfort me and tell me that he's okay."

"You know, maybe he does that because that's what he sees you and Adam doing. You always take care of everyone else before you take care of yourselves."

Lindsay didn't say anything and Austin moved closer, squeezing her shoulder.

"Your kids are so much like you two. All the best parts. All the reasons I love you both so much. But you have to remember how detrimental that's been for you Lin. You take care of everyone else and then you forget about you. And then what happens?"

"I know."

"It's not all bad, Lin. Just don't let him take it as far as you do. Sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish."

"I know. You've been telling me that for years."

"And for some reason you still don't get it," Austin chuckled, poking Lindsay's forehead. She chuckled and moved away, but still let her best friend catch her in a hug.

"I love you anyway though."

"Yes, I know. I love you too."

"Ben's going to be alright. I really think he'll grow out of it."

"I do too. I just hope it's sooner rather than later. So tell me, is Isa still mad?"

"She's not mad. She's just… Isa," Austin sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong Lin. She's just stubborn."

"I know. I miss her. She doesn't talk to me anymore. When it's my day to pick them up from the bus stop she's quiet the entire way home. I tried asking her things and she wouldn't talk."

"I'm sorry Linds."

"It's okay. I know she needs to figure it out on her own. Maybe someday she'll love me again."

"Hey. She still loves you. You two have that special thing, she's not going to let that go."

"I know. I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now."

"What can I do to make it better?"

"Nothin', I'm alright."

"Okay. Guess we'd better feed the gremlins."

"And the kids too."

Austin chuckled and they each picked up as many full plates as they could, taking them out to the living room where the kids were still dressed in their costumes and watching the second Harry Potter movie.

"We get to eat on the floor?" Colton asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Sure. Just don't go crazy, okay?"

Avery looked at all the kids eating, then glanced up at her mother, giving her the best pout she could muster.

"Oh are you hungry too?"

"Mama?"

"Maybe your daddy can feed you."

Avery looked up at him and patted his knee.

"Remember how I changed your exploded diaper today, Tink? Mama can feed you."

Lindsay grimaced and picked her daughter up.

"Daddy's right. I'll feed you."

* * *

Dinner was over and the movie was getting intense. The kids had all scattered from their semi-circle on the floor and had found laps to crawl into. Ben was cuddled up against Austin, chewing feverishly on his fingers while Junior was leaning so far forward he was almost falling out of her lap. Sarah was sitting with Danny, covering her eyes and peeking through her fingers while Colton and Isa remained on the floor, brave until the end.

"Snake!" Isa shouted suddenly, bolting up from the floor and scrambling to find a lap to sit on. Lindsay's was the only one open, but she crawled up onto the back of the couch instead, cowering in the corner. Lindsay sighed deeply and Adam slid his free arm around her, kissing the top of her head and knowing how bad that simple and probably innocent action had hurt her. Avery must have felt it too for she gave Lindsay a sleepy smile and crawled into her arms, nuzzling against her neck and breathing in deeply.

"Mama."

"Thank you baby."

The kids were all shouting, half excited and half scared as the movie reached its peak, then breathed sighs of relief as the hero was the victor once again.

"Alright Messers, I think it's time to go," Danny said, lifting Sarah off his lap, then standing up and stretching.

"But daddy! There's more movies to watch! They go all the way to seven!"

"Yes, but you have the rest of your life to watch them, while I curse Adam for turning my children into nerds."

"Geeks!" Lindsay and Adam corrected in unison.

"Whatever."

The kids yawned as they gathered their candy and said goodbye, Colton and Isa lingering by the door and having a quiet conversation, stealing glances at their parents to head off eavesdropping.

"I think this is a good plan, Isa. You will tell me in code how it goes right?"

"Yup. You too?"

"Mm-hmm. Remember our code words."

"Yes. I will never forget them."

They did a secret handshake and hugged quickly before she walked back inside and hugged Adam tightly.

"Thanks for the costumes and movies Uncle Dum."

"You're welcome princess."

She whispered something in his ear and he chuckled, kissing her forehead.

"I'll see you later."

"Bye Dum."

The Messers vacated a few minutes later and Lindsay yawned, herding her own kids upstairs.

"Can you boys go get your jammies on while I put sister to bed?"

"Mama, I wanna wear my costume to bed. I wanna be Dumbledore all night!"

"Well I have it on good authority that Dumbledore sleeps naked."

Colton thought for a minute, then scrunched up his forehead.

"Does that mean daddy is Dumbledore?"

Lindsay's eyes grew wide and she knew her face was turning red.

"No… um… well daddy doesn't always… um… you know what, go take your costume off. And put your pajamas on."

He shrugged and went into his bedroom, Ben following closely behind while Lindsay took Avery into her room to change her.

"Oh my dear child, are you going to grow up and embarrass me to no end like your brothers do?"

Avery blew a spit bubble and laughed in reply and Lindsay smiled before cleaning the cat nose and whiskers off her face with a wipe.

"Do you know how beautiful you are little girl?"

"Ah mama."

"Are you getting sleepy? It's kind of late for you to still be up," she said, sliding her costume off and putting fleece pajamas on her. "There, all cozy. Should we rock for a few minutes?"

Avery burbled and popped her mouth open and closed several times and Lindsay smiled down at her, running a finger down her nose.

"Okay sweetie. Just a few minutes."

She sat down in the rocking chair and got them situated with a fuzzy blanket right before the boys came in for a progress report.

"We changed our clothes, mama! Now what should we do?"

"Go wash your faces and brush your teeth."

"Mama, I keep my scar on?" Ben said, pointing at the jagged fake scar on his forehead.

"If you wake up in the night with a headache it's your own fault," she teased.

"I might get headache? I wash it off."

She snickered as they went into the bathroom to finish getting ready for bed.

"Oh Averylin Grace, stop growin' so fast. I don't think I can handle another sassy talker around these parts. Can you stay this little forever? We're not going to be able to do this much longer. You're getting too old and I can't hold you like this if you grow more."

Avery gave her a tiny smile and reached up to grab her hand, clutching it tightly, then closely inspecting each finger.

"I love you so much baby doll. And I hope you always love me as much as you do now."

Avery stopped eating for a moment and took a deep breath before she smiled and went back to what she was doing.

"Expelliarmus!" came the shout from the bathroom.

"Reducto!"

"Lumos!"

"Ridiculus!"

"Avada Kedavra!"

"Expecto Patronum!"

"Expecto a spanking if you don't brush your teeth," Lindsay hollered back, her voice serious about brushing but not about spanking. There was a moment of silence and then giggles and water running.

"Hey babe?" Adam said, poking his head into the room.

"Hmm?"

"I'm going to set the oven to clean, so if that awful smell wakes you up, don't start freaking out that I left the oven on broil."

"Thanks for the warning."

He came into the room and stooped down to kiss Avery.

"Night Tink. Daddy loves you."

She gave him a half smile and he slipped back out of the room and downstairs.

"I should really do somethin' special for that daddy of yours. He did a lot of work today, didn't he?"

Avery nodded slowly and stopped eating, this time done for the night and ready for sleep. Lindsay held her for a few minutes longer before standing up and settling her into the crib.

"Goodnight my love. See you in the morning."

She left the room and crossed the hall, finding both boys already in bed. They were whispering softly and she shut their light off before laying down with Ben.

"Did you have fun tonight baby?"

He nodded and she reached over to rub his nose where his glasses had left marks.

"I like bein' Harry. He is brave and strong. He is not scared of bad dreams."

"Well wait a minute there. Harry had a lot of bad dreams and bad things that happened to him."

"Yes. But he used brave magic make it go away."

"Brave magic?"

"Patronus. 'Member?"

"Yes, I remember. You know what though?"

"Hmm?"

"I think you're very brave. I know you get scared, but that's part of being brave. If you were never scared how would you know that you were brave at all?"

He sighed and shook his head.

"I am a big scaredy-dog."

"Scaredy-cat you mean. And you're not, Ben."

"I think I are. I scared of nothin', I think it scary at night."

"Ben, do you think I'm brave?"

"Oh yes mama. You is a grown-up. And you can fight all the monsters."

"You want to know a secret?"

"Okay."

"I get scared. A lot."

"'Bout what?"

"Different things. Grown-up things. My point is that everyone is scared but when you stand up to what scares you, that's when you're brave."

He nodded and reached up to run his hand over her face.

"You an' me work on bein' brave?"

"Yes, we can."

"Dealio."

She smiled and shook his hand then leaned down to kiss him.

"Goodnight Benjamin. I love you."

She stood up and tucked him in tighter, then moved over to lay down with Colton.

"Mama, tell me a story 'bout when you were little."

"What kind of story?"

"When you was a little girl. Tell me your happiest day."

"Well I have a lot of happiest days when I grew up. You mean my happiest day when I was a little girl?"

"Yes."

"Well, I guess that happened when I was six. I'd been fishing a lot of times before, but this particular day we were camping at Flathead Lake and we were going out in a boat. We sat there for an hour and no one caught anything. No one even got a nibble on their line. Papa said it was time to go in and we could try again later. But I really wanted to get a fish. So I cast my line again and I reeled it in really fast."

"Didja catch somethin' mama?"

"Well at first I thought it was just a little nibble, but before I knew it the pole was almost coming out of my hands."

"Oh no! What did you do?"

"I hollered for someone to help me. And your Uncle Jake came over and he helped me reel that fish in. And we were fighting so hard for that fish that my knuckles turned white and my hands turned red. But it was getting closer. We could actually see it just below the surface of the water, swimming towards our boat. We knew we were going to get that fish. We started fighting even harder and we pulled and reeled and pulled some more. And we finally got that fish out of the water."

"What kind was it? How big was it? Did it taste good?"

"It was a bull trout and he was twenty-two pounds and it was the best fish I ever tasted in my life."

"Someday I wanna do that, mama. Can we go to Montana again?"

"We'll see."

"I wanna go fishin' with you. You could teach me how, right?"

"Yeah, I would love to teach you. I'll teach daddy and Ben and Avery too."

"Just our family sittin' in a boat and fishin' and eatin' sandwiches. That would be a very good day."

"I think so too."

"Night, mama. I love you."

"I love you too, Colton. Sleep good."

She left the room and went upstairs, stretching and yawning before tossing her clothes into the basket and donning one of Adam's old t-shirts. He came into the room just as she was sliding into bed and she heard him drop his own clothes onto the floor.

"Stop right there, mister," she said, not turning over.

"What?"

"Don't you dare come to bed without some form of apparel."

"Excuse me?"

"Colton says you sleep naked all the time so if you do it now it will skeeve me out."

"I'm not even going to ask how that came up in conversation," he chuckled, sliding into bed and wrapping his arms around her.

"That might be best. So I have something to run by you."

"Let me guess. You and Austin thought of something and you're going to do it whether I like it or not but you're telling me now so I can't get mad later and say that you never told me."

"No, this one is really up for discussion."

"Okay, shoot."

"We were thinking about a big family vacation. This summer. North Carolina."

"Outer Banks?"

"Yeah. They never go on vacation really, and the only vacation we go on is to see family and that's not always like a real vacation anyway."

"I think we should do it. The kids would be over the moon about it."

"We also thought Disneyland in a few years."

"Oh no."

"That was more of a passing thought, but she also mentioned camping in Montana."

"Was she drunk? Austin doesn't camp. Not the way you camp."

"We were spitballin' mostly. But we thought North Carolina would be fun. We could road-trip down and back, spend an entire week there on the beach."

"It sounds really good. Let's figure out vacation schedules for work and then book a trip. And not tell the kids until the night before."

"They're going to freak. It'll be awesome."

He smiled and rubbed his nose against hers while she grabbed his hand.

"Adam?"

"Lindsay?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"For everything you did today. For the kids and making sure I didn't have to worry about it and that you're willing to do stuff like that all the time and you're willing to go on vacations together because you know it will make us happy."

"You act like I hate doing all that family stuff."

"I dunno, you're a boy."

"You think it's not important to me?"

"No I just think… me and Austin kind of threw this whole family together and you and Danny didn't get a chance to tell us to knock it off."

"Would you have?"

"No. I just think sometimes that the two of you are forced together when you don't have to be. You're not best friends and you don't have a ton in common but you have to be together all the time."

"Danny and I have more in common than you think we do. You and Austin always say that you couldn't do the mom thing without each other, but Danny and I couldn't do the dad thing without each other either. If it weren't for him, I would have no idea how to raise a daughter. Don't think we don't care. This family means just as much to us as it does to you two old hens."

She grinned and he tucked her hair behind her ear.

"I love you, you crazy, worrying about everything woman."

"Yeah, I know. You have the patience of a saint."

"You know, it's not really that late," he said, glancing down at her lips and them back at her eyes again.

"No, it's not," she agreed softly, acting like she didn't know what he was talking about.

"And you know, we've both been so busy lately…"

"Oh we've just been swamped."

"I miss you."

"You do? How much?"

"Hmm, how would you like me to show you?"

She chuckled.

"I don't know. You're pretty creative, I hear. Maybe you should surprise me."

His eyes went wide and she gave him a devilish smile before pulling him closer and kissing him. One hand held onto the back of his neck while the other skittered up and down his back and she could tell with the fervor of his kisses what those simple actions were doing to him.

"Hey," she said softly, pulling away for a moment.

"You're breakin' up the flow here, babe."

"You'll recover just fine," she chuckled, running that free hand over his chest. "I just wanted to say that it's pretty hot when you're rockin' the daddy thing."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mm-hmm. Makes me wanna give you more little munchkins."

"I thought you were done doin' that."

"I am. But there's times when I would like to drag you away from your parental duties and remind you of your marital ones instead."

"If not for the high chance of getting interrupted several times, I would encourage you to do just that."

"We should start caging our children."

"You know, you could give a guy an ego trip."

"It's well deserved."

"It's probably a good idea for you to just stop talkin' now babe."

His lips pressed into her neck and she swallowed hard, trying not to lose her breath already.

"Why? I'm not afraid."

His head popped back up and he looked down at her with dark eyes.

"Maybe we should send the kids on vacation and just stay home alone. Never leave the room."

A small smile tugged at her lips before he kissed her. They could dream of things like that all they wanted, but when it came down to it, what they had now was way more than enough.


	186. Chapter 186

"You know, I told Mac I wanted to get out in the field more," Adam sighed, putting a marker down near a possible partial shoeprint. "But I didn't expect him to only send me to the grisly ones."

"That's how he breaks you in," Lindsay replied with a grin. "At least he never made you sift through tiger dung. Or jump in a dumpster."

"I had to look for a murder weapon in an airplane waste container! I win."

Austin snorted and shook her head.

"This is why I'm a cop. Small chance of ever having to do something disgusting."

"Just wait, you're going to have to go undercover as a hooker," Lindsay muttered.

Flack let out a huge laugh.

"It would be like _Pretty Woman_ except she would be more awkward and Richard Gere would never give her a second look."

"You've seen _Pretty Woman_?" Lindsay and Austin chorused.

"Jess likes it! Shut up!"

The girls continued to look at him and he flipped his notebook closed and stalked off.

"I know for a fact that Jess hates that movie," Austin giggled.

"Poor Flack," Adam said with a sigh. "You two pick on him more than you pick on me. And that is a lot."

"He gets riled up faster than you do," Lindsay shrugged, gathering some trace in a small bag while Austin stepped away to answer her phone. "Does this look like gold to you?"

"Um, pretty close. Maybe more like gold plating. I'll have to look at it in better light."

She nodded and labeled the bag, tucking it safely into the cargo box that already had several bits and pieces in it.

"You know, I think this is the first time we've been out in the field together," Adam noted, placing another marker down while she snapped a picture of it.

"Probably. It's weird not seeing you with microscope marks around your eyes."

He gave her a look and she smiled. Truth be told, it was kind of thrilling to be out in the field together. It was like coming full circle in some ways.

"Does this blood spatter look funny to you?"

"It looks like close range cast off, but that doesn't really make sense, does it?"

"You know what it looks like?"

"Hmm?"

"When Colton makes his sandwich for lunch and he shakes the jelly off the knife."

"I hate when he does that, there's always jelly all over the counter."

"Look at this though. Huge spot here and little splatters all around."

She took another look at it and snapped pictures from different angles before nodding her head.

"It definitely looks weird."

"You talkin' 'bout me?" Austin asked, her hands on her hips.

"Always."

"That was Danny on the phone. He said Avery just puked and then promptly stuck her hand in it."

"Oh. Gross."

"He wanted to know when someone is going to pick the kids up."

"I'm off in an hour if he can wait that long."

"I'll let him know."

"Tell him sorry too."

"He says you owe him."

Lindsay shook her head, half her mind now on her daughter instead of the case.

"We get this stuff back to the lab and you should sneak out early," Adam suggested.

"Normally I would say no but…"

"You're feeling sorry for her being sick and Danny trying to take care of her and five other kids."

"Yes. It saves on babysitters when there's always one of the four of us to take the kids but it makes things a little crazy for whoever draws the short straw."

"It takes a village."

"Maybe so, but which one of us is the idiot?"

"I am not gonna answer that one babe."

* * *

"How's she feeling?" Lindsay asked softly, looking down at her flushed daughter snuggled against Danny's shoulder.

"She hasn't puked again but she's got a little fever."

"I'm so sorry, Danny."

"Hey, it's not your fault. I'm sure she'll feel better now she's got her mama."

He handed Avery to her gently, and the baby let out a sad whimper.

"It's okay baby. We'll get you home and into a nice bath."

"Mama."

"I know."

"The boys are almost ready to go."

"Were they good?"

"When are they not, Montana?"

"Well, you never know."

"You got all the kids tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah."

"If Avery's still sick my mom can take our kids."

"I'll let you know. She might be fine."

"Okay. Hey boys, are you ready to go?"

Ben and Colton trooped out of the other room, shoes and coats on.

"Hey mama. Avery threw up."

"Yes, I heard."

"It looks just like it did when she ate it."

"That's wonderful."

"Uncle Danny almost threw up too!"

Lindsay shot him an amused look and he shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't like puke, what do you want from me?"

She smiled as he helped her get Avery bundled up to go outside.

"Thanks, Danny."

"You're welcome," he said, leaning down to kiss Avery's cheek. "Feel better little girl."

Lindsay herded the boys out the door, holding Ben's hand while Colton hooked two fingers into her jacket pocket.

"What will we do when we get home, mama?"

"Well I am going to give your sister a bath and put her to bed. You need to do your homework. And it's Ben's night to feed the pets."

"Will you help me with my math? Just checkin' my answers."

"Yeah, of course."

"Mama, I take Qwerty 'side to go potty?"

"No, it will be dark soon. I'll take him."

Ben nodded and wiggled his hand around in hers. He'd recently started doing a lot of "softing" as he called it. He'd always loved to hold hands and snuggle but recently he'd started touching everyone's skin a lot. He would stroke Avery's cheeks while she slept or trace over the lines on Lindsay's palms. He often patted the face of whoever he was talking to, studying them intently. It seemed to be a calming ritual for him so no one really minded.

The house was cold when they entered and Lindsay turned the heat on, knowing it would be a while before they would feel the warmth. They had a boiler system that worked fairly well most of the time, it just took longer to kick on than an electric system. It was much cheaper though, just boiling water running through pipes and radiators all over the house, rather than an electric bill that climbed every time the temperature dropped.

"Mama, do I have to do my homework right this minute?"

"Depends on how much you have."

"A math worksheet and some reading and I think just one other thing."

"Why don't you do one thing now and then you can play for a bit and we'll work on the rest in an hour or so."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

He grinned and dumped his backpack on the kitchen floor where their coats and shoes already were.

"What's wrong with this picture?"

"What picture?" Ben asked, looking at her curiously.

"It's an expression. It means something is not right here. What is it?"

They both looked around the room confused.

"Oh, I know! The lights are not all on!"

"No, I meant… are you going to pick up your coats?"

"Oh!"

They grabbed their coats off the floor and Colton put his backpack on the counter.

"You two are just like your dad," she sighed, shaking her head. "I'm going to go take care of sister, and I want you to do some homework, Colton."

"And Ben to feed the pets right?"

"Yes, Ben please feed the pets."

"Okay mama."

She took Avery upstairs, shivering at how chilly it still was.

"I don't even want to take you out of your coat, little one," she said, leaning down to turn the water on in the tub.

"Mama," Avery whispered, rubbing her nose.

"I think maybe I should take your temperature real fast."

Avery whined and squirmed for the three seconds it took to take her temperature, and she let out a huge sigh when it was over.

"Looks like you're fine boo-boo. Did you just eat something that didn't agree with you?"

She reached over and shut the water off, making sure it wasn't too hot or too cold.

"I'm going to get you from the clothes to the water as fast as I can, I promise," she said, taking a deep breath before stripping the clothes off and getting her into the tub before Avery even had a chance to protest. "There, that's better isn't it? Nice and warm in there, huh?"

Avery slapped at the water, smiling when it splashed her in the face. She loved bath time, it was the one time of day where she got to play with all the toys and not get them taken away by screaming brothers. She got to just be quiet with mama or daddy and be the center of attention.

"Mama?" she asked suddenly, holding up one of the toys.

"That's a frog. A frog croaks and ribbits."

Avery tipped her head to the side quizzically and Lindsay smiled.

"Ribbit! Ribbit!"

"Mama?" she asked again, holding up a duck.

"Ducky. Quack quack! And that is a sheep. Baa!"

Avery smiled and dropped the animals into the water, staring down at them for a moment before dunking the frog. It popped back up and she clapped her hands happily, then did it once more.

"Mama!"

"Yeah, I see. Daddy would try to explain buoyancy to you but I think I am just going to smile and think it's the most awesome thing in the world."

"No Ben what have you done?" Colton screeched from downstairs.

"What happened down there?"

She heard two sets of feet running up the stairs and the half closed door swung all the way open.

"Mama, Ben let Qwerty get out! He ran away!"

"What?"

"I take him 'side to go potty. He seen somethin'. He runned 'way!"

"He'll come back."

"What if he gets hurt? What if he falls in a ditch? What if he forgets his home? What if he goes to the Statue of Liberty and we never see him again?" Colton wailed, huge tears rolling down his cheeks.

Then Ben started to cry.

Then Avery started to cry.

And despite three crying children, all Lindsay could do was laugh. She knew the dog would be back, he'd gotten out several times and he always came right home. But the sight of all three kids with their faces tipped to the sky, sobbing as if their world had ended only amused her.

"Okay, that's enough. Your dog will come home and he will be just fine."

"You promise?"

"No, I don't promise because sometimes bad things happen, but I really think he'll come home soon."

The boys sniffled and nodded, unconvinced, while Avery went back to playing with the bath toys.

"Can we go look for him, mama?"

"No, sweetie. Qwerty has run off a lot, he always comes back by morning."

"But what if someone decides to make him their doggy?"

"Then he will escape from them and come home to us."

"Okay."

They left the room sadly and Lindsay sighed, shaking her head.

"Those brothers of yours, Averylin, I don't know what we're going to do with them."

"Bobuhs."

"Yes, brothers."

"Dada."

"Daddy will be home in a few hours. I'm sure he'll have some time to snuggle with you."

Avery nodded and raised her arms, ready to get out of the tub. Lindsay leaned down with a big fluffy towel and scooped her up, wrapping her tightly so she would stay warm. They made their way into the bedroom and Lindsay dressed her in the warmest pajamas she had, then went back into the bathroom and used the blow dryer on the lowest setting to dry her curly hair.

"There you go, all warm. Are you feeling better now?"

She pointed out the door and Lindsay smiled, kissing her cheek.

"Shall we go join Colton and Ben?"

"Co. Beb."

"Colton and Ben, you're right."

"Bobuhs."

"Yes, they are your brothers. You're so smart, baby."

"Bebe!"

"Do you really know these words or are you just repeating mama?"

"Mama."

"Oh I see. Let's go downstairs and start dinner. Want some chicken soup?"

Avery babbled in response and they went downstairs, joining the boys in the kitchen. They were both sitting on stools at the counter, concentrating hard on a piece of paper.

"What are you doing?"

"We're makin' a poster for our lost dog, like the movies. We are even givin' a reward."

"Oh really?" she asked, putting Avery in the high chair and then bringing it over closer to the counter. "What's the reward?"

"All my Pokemon cards, everything in my piggy bank and my new watch."

"And White Teefy da Bear," Ben added with a nod.

"Boys, those are some of your favorite things."

"No mama. They are just stuffs. Qwerty is our doggie."

Lindsay came around to their side of the counter and hugged them both tightly.

"He'll come home guys. I don't want you to worry about him."

"Can we leave the outside light on so he can see our house in the nighttime?"

"I'll leave the back porch light on for him."

"Can we call daddy and tell him? And maybe Flack can make a BOLO."

Lindsay snorted at the child logic and the fact that her six-year-old knew about issuing a Be On the Look Out and what it was called in vernacular.

"We can call daddy, but we can't really issue a BOLO on our dog."

"Okay."

She handed him the phone and he dialed carefully, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"Hi daddy. Qwerty ran away. Can you look for him on the way home? … Well Ben took him out to go to the bathroom… mama says he will come home… Okay, in a while. Bye daddy I love you."

He hung up and slung his arm around Ben's shoulder.

"Daddy said mama's right and we should not worry. But I am gonna finish our poster just in case."

Ben nodded and handed him a crayon.

"I sorry I make a mistake."

"It's okay Benny. It could happen to anyone."

"Not mad Cole?"

"Nah. Qwerty decided to run away by his ownself. You did not tell him to leave us."

"I should let mama do it like she say."

"Maybe, but it's okay Ben. It will be over soon."

* * *

Between Ben's nightmares, Avery's fussing through a slight fever, and the dog returning home at the wee hours and barking at the door, Lindsay had gotten about two hours of sleep all night. Adam would wake up with her but she insisted that he go back to sleep because he had to work in the morning. He hadn't argued with her, and she'd gone about the motherly duties, wishing for just a minute that the kids were older and didn't need her so much. Then of course she would feel the heavy weight of one of them in her arms and realize just how big they were and how fast they were growing and that she had better not jinx it by wishing something in a moment of exhaustion.

She'd sat down this morning with a cup of tea, knowing that Colton would soon be off to school and it wouldn't take much to convince Ben to have a quiet day. But then she remembered that it was Saturday. And she was about to be invaded by Messers. Not that she didn't want to see the kids, she just wasn't sure how easy this was going to be on so little sleep.

At the moment Avery had just gone down for a nap and the kids were all outside, hopefully running off a bunch of energy so her suggestion for an afternoon of board games would be received well. She stretched out on the couch, taking a deep breath and figuring she could close her eyes for just a minute. Exhaustion had other ideas, however and rather than sleep, tears sprang to her eyes. She didn't want to cry and didn't have time to do it properly, but it happened anyway. She was tired and worried about Ben and missing Adam because of his almost seventy hour work week. The holidays were coming up and she hadn't even started planning anything yet, not to mention Avery's first birthday, the car needed to go in for a few maintenance things and there were hundreds of other little to-do's rattling around in her head. She was overwhelmed to say the least and couldn't stop the tears from coming.

The back door slammed open and closed and she heard a pair of feet run quickly by her and up to the bathroom. She took a few deep breaths and tried to compose herself, wiping her eyes and hoping they weren't too red. She didn't want to be found out.

Unfortunately for her, all five children had keen little eyes and none of them would just ignore what they saw. She tried to look busy cleaning up the coffee table when Isa came back down the stairs, but the little girl wasn't fooled, no matter how rocky their relationship had been lately.

"Are you cryin'?" she asked softly, tilting her head to the side, her long dark hair spilling over her shoulder.

"I'm okay, Isa. Just tired."

Isa nodded, her brow furrowed because she was unconvinced. Hesitantly, she sat down on the couch, breathing deeply for a few minutes.

"Isa, I'm fine. You can go out and play."

A long moment passed where they just looked at each other. Lindsay had long ago resigned herself to the fact that her bond with Isa had run its course, she was getting older and didn't need her like that anymore. She didn't like it, but she knew that things happened and people grew apart and Isa was more than capable of choosing who she wanted in those special places in her heart.

"I'm sorry for bein' so mean to you," she whispered, obviously struggling with it. "My feelings got hurt."

"I know."

"I don't want to be mad at you anymore. It just scared me when you yelled at me."

"Well it scared me when you walked in front of a car."

Isa nodded and Lindsay wanted to wrap the girl in her arms and let her know it was okay, but they might not be ready for that.

"I wanted to say sorry long ago. But you didn't want me anymore."

"What are you talking about?"

"You stopped tryna hug me. You stopped tryna talk to me. I thought you didn't want me."

"Sweetheart, I will always want you. Always, always. There is nothing you could ever do that would make me not want you. You're my girl, remember? Sweetie, I just stopped doing those things because I thought you wanted me to. I thought I should give you a little space."

"Why didn't you tell me that?"

"Because… I was afraid that talking to you would make you even more mad at me than you already were."

"But I wasn't really mad! I was just being a jerk! I know I am your girl but I thinked that I was just too bad now and you didn't want me anymore. And that means that you lied about forever. And then I was mad and my tummy hurt a lot and every time I saw you it hurt more."

Lindsay looked down at Isa, the dark green eyes full of unshed tears and her heart broke all over again.

"I'm sorry, Isa. I should have tried harder. I really should have."

"Me too. I know you were just scared of what could happen because you love me so much. But the loud yelling was scary and then you called me my whole name and I knew you were mad. You've never, ever been mad at me before."

"I know, sweetheart. I didn't want to yell at you. I really didn't. But you have to understand something. If you are ever doing anything where you could get hurt, I am going to yell. Not always at you, but I am going to probably scream my head off until you stop."

She was exaggerating, but Isa got the point, a faint smile creeping up her face.

"Because you love me so much and you don't want me to get hurt huh?"

"Yes."

"I will remember that. Maybe next time you could tell me why you're not huggin' me and then I won't feel so sad."

"I promise."

Isa was quiet for a moment, doing her best to keep her emotions in check but eventually losing the battle and bursting into tears.

"I'm so sorry! I won't be mean to you ever again. I love you, Indy. I love you."

It had been three months since she'd heard those words and she couldn't just sit there anymore. In one motion she leaned over and grabbed Isa, pulling the little girl into her arms and rocking her slowly back and forth.

"I love you too, Isa. So much, you have no idea. I'm sorry you felt like I didn't want you. I never ever wanted to hurt you like that. Do you know how precious you are to me?"

Isa nodded and rubbed at her eyes.

"I know. You tell me a lot."

"I think we both need to be a little better about talking about things. What do you think?"

"Okay. My ma said that you and her used to be really bad at that kind of stuff."

"She's right. We were terrible at it for a while."

Isa nodded and sniffled, wiping her eyes.

"Would it be okay if we had a cuddle for a really long time? Nobody else cuddles me the same as you do."

Lindsay smiled and stretched out along the couch again, smiling at the way Isa curled into her. It had been so long since they'd had a moment together, and she hadn't really realized how much she missed it. She twirled Isa's hair around her finger, humming softly while Isa yawned.

"Indy?"

"Yes?"

"You know how I am wild?"

"Yes, I know exactly how you are wild."

"I don't feel wild when you hug me. I don't feel like runnin' around or hollerin' or nothin'. I just feel like regular Isa. And I don't have to be exciting for you to love me."

"You don't have to be anything but Isa."

"You make me calm. Sometimes when I am bein' crazy it gets too loud and then I get in your lap and it's quiet and okay again."

"I'm glad."

"I will always need you Indy, because I will always be crazy and I will always need to be calm again."

"And I will always need you, Isa because my heart would not be the same without you."

"I am happy we had this talk."

"Me too, sweetie. Everything feels much better now."

"I love you with my whole entire heart Indy."

"I love you with my whole entire heart too, Isa. Always and forever."


	187. Chapter 187

A/N: Sorry this chapter took me soooooo long. I had another project (We Run) that I was working on. This chapter was originally supposed to have a lot more in it, but it got too long, so I divided it into two. Enjoy! And go read my other story. Yes I beg and I am not ashamed.

* * *

"So what time are you-" Lindsay asked, getting interrupted by a happy squeal from Avery.

"Around four but-," Adam replied.

"I learned a new song today!" Colton hollered, stabbing a meatball and using his fork like a microphone. "In 1492 a stranger from New Delhi was walkin' round the streets of Spain, sellin' hot tamales!"

"I are a shark!" Ben announced before taking a huge bite of his dinner.

"Are you going to take-"

Lindsay's question and Adam's answer were cut off by another yelp and clapping from Avery.

"He said the world was round-o! He said it could be found-o! That calculatin' navigatin' son of a gun Columbo!"

"Now I are din-saur. ROAR!"

"I didn't hear you babe, are you taking a-"

"Wha!" Avery screamed, tipping her head back before smashing her hand into her dinner.

"He marched up to the queen of Spain, asked for ships and cargo! He said I be a son of a gun if I don't bring back Chicago!"

"I are a donkey. Hee-Haw!"

"Beb!" Avery laughed, shaking her head.

"He said the world was round-o! Hey, no one is listenin' to my song! I am going to sit on the floor with my dinner. See how you like that!"

Colton grabbed his plated and climbed off his chair, sitting on the floor to finish his song.

"Yeah, I'll take a cab. I don't want you to have to get the kids up that early and-"

"See me be a bear!"

"It would be a lot easier-"

"Co? CO!" Avery hollered

"I am not comin' up there, no one was listenin'!"

"I'll just say bye to the kids when-"

"Now a turtle!"

"It's only three days but-"

"You don't want me to sing!"

Avery grinned and grabbed a meatball, licking the sauce off it then throwing it across the table. It landed and rolled off the edge, right onto Colton's plate.

"AH! Mama! Lookit what the baby Aves done!"

Ben hooted with laughter and Avery clapped her hands, spraying spaghetti sauce everywhere.

"I'm glad we could have this talk," Adam said, getting out of his chair and helping Colton up.

"Yeah, I really feel like we covered all the bases," Lindsay replied as she wiped Avery's hands off.

Adam chuckled and they leaned across the table, sharing a short kiss while the boys groaned in disgust.

"You should not swap spit at the dinner table! It's not stationary!"

"You mean sanitary?" Adam clarified with a chuckle.

"Yes. That. Gross!"

"You think he would be used to it by now."

"You are touching lips! That is just nasty!"

"You don't think it's nasty when mama kisses you before bed."

"That's different."

"How?"

"She don't kiss me that long! You got each other's spit in your mouth."

Adam snickered and looked over at Lindsay, who knew exactly what he was going to say.

"Hey babe, gimme my spit back."

"Oh alright."

They kissed again, longer this time, while Colton shook his head and covered his eyes.

"Love is so gross."

"Well hey at least you realize that it's love."

Colton shrugged one shoulder.

"I am done eating now. C'mon Ben, let's go play."

"Cole, teach me the song?"

"Yeah!"

They ran into the other room and Avery squealed, reaching her hands out in the direction they'd gone.

"Co! Beb!"

"You can play with your brothers in a while. For now, you've got spaghetti sauce in places it shouldn't be."

Avery smiled and sported a toothless grin, reaching up to pull a noodle out of her hair.

"Maybe it's not us that's gross," Adam sighed. "Maybe it's our daughter."

"I totally think you're right. Come on puddin', time for a bath."

"Bass," Avery repeated with a nod. "Baby."

"You're getting really verbal lately. I love your little accent."

"Dada?"

"Daddy's going to clean up after dinner. You and your brothers made quite the mess."

"That's because your mama made spaghetti," Adam said with a grin. Lindsay shook her head and handed Avery to him.

"Here, you bathe her."

"Oh fine. Let's go, dumplin' butt."

She giggled as he galloped upstairs and started the water. She blew a raspberry and shook her head, then stared down into the tub.

"Wa?"

"Water. Two syllables."

"Wawa."

"Exactly. Oh gross!"

She giggled as he pulled her diaper off, finding a handful of spaghetti in it.

"I think mama and I need do watch you a lot better. Alright, into the tub."

She squealed and splashed for a moment until he stilled her hands.

"Sweetie, I gotta talk to you," he said, kissing her hands. She tipped her head to the side and looked at him curiously as he spoke.

"I've got to go away for a few days. Not very long. I need to go to Phoenix for a funeral. Your grandpa's sister died. I need to go and be there for the family for a few days. I know you don't understand that but I want to tell you anyway. I know you're going to miss me but I want you to know that I'm coming back, okay? Just a few days. Daddy will never leave you for real, little girl. I'll always come back."

She sat quietly for a second, then smiled and kissed his hands.

"Dada."

"Averylin."

Their eyes met and he chuckled, surprised that he was getting such a quiet moment with his daughter. She was often so wound up in the evenings and Lindsay was the only one who could calm her very well, so while he got to do the rough and tumble playing with her, they rarely had silence together. He leaned over and kissed her forehead softly, brushing her messy curls behind her ear. Leaving the family was always hard, but he had a feeling these next three days without his little girl were going to be the worst.

* * *

"What time should I set the alarm for?"

"Three."

Lindsay nodded and fiddled with the alarm clock for a moment before getting it set and resting against Adam's chest. He held her tight and kissed the top of her head while she sighed.

"Did you pack already?"

"No, I forgot."

"Don't get up. I'll do it in the morning."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm going to be up anyway."

"Remember the first time you packed for me?"

He felt the smile spread across her face and she looked up at him, her eyes twinkling.

"I sure do. And do you remember what you did when you got home?"

"I gave you a ring and made you an offer you couldn't refuse."

She chuckled and shook her head against him while he rubbed her back.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too."

"I kind of wish we could all go. Not really a happy occasion though."

"It's okay. It's only three days and everyone's coming over tomorrow so that should make it easier."

"Do you need me to throw the turkey in the oven before I leave?"

"Yes please."

"Are you going to be okay doing the whole dinner alone?"

"Austin's coming over early and Jo said she would stay and help me clean up."

"Okay. I just don't want to leave you in the lurch."

"It's going to be fine, honey. You need to go down there and do the family thing. Everything will be fine here and if the house blows up while you're gone, well that's why we got homeowners insurance."

"Don't joke."

She smiled and ran her hand up his chest.

"We need to go to sleep. The alarm is going off in five hours."

"Why do you always do that babe?"

"What?"

"Tell me how long I have to sleep before I go to sleep because then I can't fall asleep because I am watching the clock figuring out how much time I have to sleep."

"I'm sorry. What if I give you a back rub to help you fall asleep?"

"Packing my bag, back rubs… you're the best wife ever."

"Well alls fair in love."

* * *

"Mama! Dada!"

Lindsay sighed and rolled over, having just fallen back to sleep after Adam left. Avery must have known he was gone, she never woke up at this time of morning. Lindsay lay there for a moment, wondering if Avery would fall back asleep, but after a moment there was another cry. She sighed and stood up, stumbling downstairs. Avery was standing up in her crib, holding onto the bars and sniffling, then wiping her nose and running her hand through her hair.

"Dada!"

"Daddy went bye for a few days."

Avery reached her hands out and whimpered and Lindsay picked her up, trying to shush her so she wouldn't wake the boys up.

"Should we go snuggle in mama's bed? Maybe you'll go back to sleep."

Avery frowned as they walked upstairs, pointing down and asking for Adam.

"You really know he's gone, huh? I know, I miss him too. We don't do well without daddy, do we?"

They lay down on the bed and Avery crawled over to Adam's pillow, burying her face in it and crying.

"Dada! Dada!"

"Shh, let's not wake your brothers up."

"Dada," she repeated as tears started to dribble down her cheeks. "DADA!"

"Oh baby, c'mere," Lindsay sighed, pulling the little girl tightly into her arms and kissing her cheeks. "Daddy will be home in a few days. I miss him too but it's going to be okay. He always comes back."

"Mama, wha's wrong with the baby Aves?" Colton asked from the doorway where he and Ben stood.

"She just misses daddy."

"Where is daddy?"

"He had to go to Arizona, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I forgot because I was sleepy. I miss daddy."

"I know."

"Mama, I want daddy," Ben said, letting his lower lip slide out. The boys probably wouldn't be upset if it wasn't so early and if Avery wasn't crying.

"I know. You guys want to come and get in bed with us for a while? We don't have to get up for an hour or two."

"Okay. Ben you lay on that edge and I will lay on this edge because we are the men of the house and we have to protect mama and the baby Aves."

Ben nodded and cuddled up to his sister while Colton wrapped his arm around Lindsay's waist.

"Mama, this feels sad without daddy."

"I know."

"When will he be home?"

"Sunday afternoon. That's only three more sleeps."

"Today is Thanksgiving. I am not thankful today because daddy is not here."

"Hey, that doesn't mean you can't be thankful today," she said, rolling onto her back and putting an arm around him.

"Like what?"

"Like that daddy is able to go down to Arizona when he needs to. That we're going to spend the day with our friends. That we have food to eat and a house to live in and we all love daddy so much that we're this sad when he's gone."

"We are thankful for bein' sad?"

"In a roundabout way, yes."

He sighed and shook his head.

"Still miss daddy."

"Do you ever miss me this much when I'm gone?"

"Probably not."

"Why?"

"Well daddy works a lot at the lab and you are here a lot takin' care of us. We see you lots. We don't see daddy as much. Our time before we miss him is shorter."

"Yep," Ben agreed with a serious nod. "Love you the same. Daddy's gone more."

"Okay, I guess I can understand that."

"Is it really three more sleeps?" Colton whined, letting the tears fill his eyes. "That's a long, long time."

"It's not that long, honey."

"It's forever!" Ben agreed, starting to cry. "Daddy will not come home forever!"

"I won't see daddy until I am a real man!" Colton wailed.

Lindsay knew they were just extremely tired, up much too early and to bed too late the night before, but that didn't mean that their tears didn't hurt her heart. She just lay there quietly for a few minutes, wondering if they would cry it out and fall back asleep. Colton's crying seemed to be slowing down, just turning into whimpers about wanting his daddy, while Ben was overly dramatic and Avery just wailed, wanting to be heard. They all stopped the second the phone rang and Lindsay answered it with a roll of her eyes.

"Hello?"

"Hey babe. I'm just about to get on the plane, I thought I would call."

"Okay. Would you talk to your kids? They're all having a meltdown."

"How fun for you."

She put the phone on speaker and Adam talked to the boys for a while, promising he would be back soon and telling them to be good while he was gone. He had to hang up after a while to board the plane and Avery grabbed the phone, holding it close to her and whimpering.

"Dada."

"Sweetie, I don't want you having the phone all day. Who knows what would happen to it," Lindsay sighed, trying to take the phone away.

"No!"

"Averylin, that's mama's phone."

"Dada!"

Lindsay sighed and stood from the bed, going to Adam's closet and finding one of his shirts. She remembered when she was little and her dad would help drive the cows to winter grazing every year, he would always leave one of his shirts with her and it made her feel better until he came back.

"Here baby, you can have daddy's shirt."

Avery took the shirt and dropped the phone before curling up against the pillows and closing her eyes.

"Sissy miss daddy too. It okay sissy. I hug you."

Ben curled up around his sister and kissed the top of her head while Colton scooted closer and wrapped his arm around both of them.

"Daddy will come home. He doesn't want to be gone from us you know. He loves us very much."

"Promise, Cole?"

"I promise. I still miss him though."

"I like how daddy wake us up with the growlin'."

"I like when he teaches us lots of stuffs and how he is so happy when he teaches us stuffs. How about you, mama? What do you like about daddy?"

Lindsay chuckled and lay down with them, trying to figure out how to explain that the things she loved most about their daddy was the three of them.

"You know, I like everything about your daddy."

"Even when he snores?"

"Yep, even when he snores."

"What you like the very mostest?" Ben asked with a yawn.

"I like how much he loves us."

"What was the first thing you liked about daddy? I mean at the beginning of time?"

Lindsay chuckled, turning on her side and propping her head up on her hand.

"I liked that he was dorky and silly and he made me laugh. I liked that he was a good guy and he never lied to me."

"Mama, do you think we got the best daddy in the whole wide world?"

"Yes, I do."

"I like when he tells us how to be good men when we grow up. He tells us how to be like him and I want to be just like daddy when I grow up."

"You do?"

"Yep! Daddy is the bestest, goodest man in the world and I want to be like that too."

"I'm sure you will be."

"Me too, mama?"

"Yes Benjamin, you too."

"Sissy?"

"I don't think sissy will be a good man," she chuckled.

"Will she be a good lady? Like you, mama?"

"I hope she's a very, very good lady."

The boys both nodded seriously as she pulled the blankets up over all of them.

"Mama are you very happy that you married daddy?"

"More happy than you know, Colton."

"Will I ever know?"

"I hope so, son. I really, really do."

"Mama, if I am a really good man someday like daddy, I will marry a very good lady like you and we will have very good kids like me and Ben and the baby Aves. And then you and daddy will be real proud of me, huh?"

"Daddy and I will always be proud of you. All three of you."

Colton nodded and yawned.

"I will practice now by bein' the man of the house. And I say we should all have a little more sleep."

Lindsay smiled and leaned over to kiss all three kids. This was going to be a long three days without Adam, but she had a feeling the loneliness she normally felt when he was away was not going to be as strong this time.


	188. Chapter 188

"We should do some singin' and dancin'," Colton said, counting out the right number of forks and setting them to the side. "Can we do that?"

Lindsay blew her hair off her forehead and tried to figure out what needed to go into the oven at what time.

"Yeah, go ahead and turn something on, but not too loud."

"Okay. When is everyone comin' over?"

"Danny and Austin should be here soon and then everyone else sometime after that."

He nodded and sat down at the computer, pulling up some country music.

"Wanna sing with me? Loretta and Conway?"

"You wanna be the Mississippi Man?"

"You be my Louisiana Woman, okay?"

She chuckled as he started the old song and they sang along together, liked they'd been doing since before he could talk. He was her kid that knew every word to every song and didn't really care how he sounded when he belted them out at the top of his lungs. Ben on the other hand, just stared at them for a moment. He didn't like attention or to be in the spotlight at all, but he didn't mind watching.

"I could help ya with somethin' mama," he offered, watching as she gathered ingredients from the fridge.

"Sure. You could do me a huge favor and fold the napkins that are on the table."

He nodded and dashed away, feeling very important to have such a big task. Avery watched him go and sighed from her spot in the high chair where she was sucking on her pacifier and clutching Adam's shirt.

"Mama?"

"Are you hungry, baby? Do you need a little snack?"

Avery nodded and smiled when Lindsay gave her a handful of goldfish crackers.

"Atta, mama."

"You're welcome sweetness."

They all fell silent while the old country music played around them. Avery inspected her crackers closely and Colton triple counted the knives and spoons before stacking them up to be put on the table. There was a knock on the door and Ben rushed over to greet the Messers, all the linen napkins draped over his arm.

"Greetings," he said carefully. "We on best behavior here today."

"Binyin, why is you talking so weird?"

"Best behavior, Dunner. I say that already."

"What are you up to with those napkins bud?" Danny asked, collecting everyone's coats to stash upstairs.

"I are doin' a huge favor to my mama. I foldin' 'em."

"Oh, I gotcha."

"It's very 'portant, you know. We cannot eat if we got no napkins. Because it is best behavior day."

"Well I guess I'd better get out of here then. You know me and manners."

"You burp at the table," Ben agreed, shaking his head. "You try better, okay Uncle Dan?"

"Okay."

"Does your mama need help in the kitchen?" Austin asked, suppressing her Ben induced giggles.

"Yup. She also say she need help in her noggin when daddy forgot puttin' the turkey in the oven before he goed away."

"Uh-oh."

"She say she is gonna go nuts."

"I'd better go in there and help her."

"Come on, rest of you. I will show you where to put your coats. Make self at home."

Danny snickered at the formality but decided to play along anyway. All the kids were good for a laugh, especially Ben who seemed to always be a surprise.

"You can put those coats upstairs on the bed in sissy's room. After that, you may sit in here. Choose to watch on TV. Mama have food done soon."

"Alright. Thanks for being such a good host."

"Daddy be proud of me."

"Yes, I am pretty sure your dad would be proud of you."

Ben nodded and adjusted his glasses.

"I shall fold the napkins now. Sit tight."

Danny snickered as Ben and Junior ran off into the other room and Sarah and Isa went looking for Colton. He figured he might as well go into the kitchen and see if he could help, even though he knew Lindsay and Austin would shoo him out.

"Hey girls, you need anything?"

Before they could answer Avery hollered and kicked her legs, reaching out for him and wanting to be picked up.

"You're so demandin'," he said, taking her out of the high chair and kissing her cheek. "What's goin' on, Mini-Montana?"

She tiled her head to the side and pressed a chubby finger into her chest.

"Mimo?" she asked, trying to clarify what he'd said.

"Yeah, guess that's close enough."

She grinned and hugged his neck.

"What's this she's totin' around?" he asked, tugging on the t-shirt.

"Adam's shirt. She's having daddy withdrawals."

"Poor girl."

Lindsay nodded and smiled as Avery curled herself into Danny's chest. If she couldn't have her daddy, apparently Uncle Danny was the next best thing.

* * *

"Is she alright?" Jo whispered to Austin as they set the table, trying to figure out how to seat 17 people around it.

"Who, Linds?"

"Yeah. She seems a little off today."

"She doesn't do so good when Adam's gone. She'll be fine."

Jo nodded and glanced into the kitchen where Mac and Sid were arguing over who should get to carve the turkey. Sid was brandishing a brand new scalpel, presumably as a joke while Mac just stood there shaking his head and Lindsay tried to ignore the whole thing.

"Is she okay otherwise?"

Austin stopped her motions, thinking quickly over the last few weeks, knowing what Jo was getting at and wondering if she'd had any indications of something awry in her best friend's mental state.

"She's kind of in that "my baby's turning one and I can't handle it" phase right now. I know it's really getting to her."

"Did they decide to be done?"

"Yeah. She knows that everything with Avery is the last time. It's been really hard on her for some reason."

"But she's okay otherwise?"

"Yeah, she's fine."

They continued to set the table in silence, until Sid stalked out of the kitchen.

"I carve things for a living!" he said, as a parting shot.

"Yeah. So take the day off," Mac retorted with a flick of his eyebrow. Jo and Austin exchanged a look as Sid stalked off, albeit good naturedly.

"Children," Lindsay muttered, shaking her head and setting a dish of cranberry sauce down on the table.

"Yeah, but we love them."

"Sort of. Speaking of children, where's my youngest one?"

"Her highness is holding court with her subjects," Austin said, pointing into the other room. Danny and Flack were both down on the floor playing with Avery who seemed to be having the time of her life. She was giggling and patting them both on the head while they made faces and talked to her in silly voices. No child had ever been quite so spoiled with attention.

"That girl."

"She learned those skills from her mama."

"Oh shut up Austin."

They both giggled and went into the kitchen to bring the rest of the food out to the table. It was going to be very crowded but that didn't really matter much to them. No one minded knocking elbows.

Once the table was perfectly set, the turkey in the middle, they called everyone in to eat. Everyone sat down together, the kids on their knees or on phone books because no one believed they should be made to eat at a smaller table today. Avery was plopped into her high chair where she immediately raised her arms, knowing that her dress would have to come off before she ate, as usual. She was a very messy eater and Lindsay didn't want her to stain her new dress anyway. The rest of the kids sat wherever they wanted and waited patiently while the closest adult made a plate for them. It took a while but soon everyone had full plates and were laughing together, almost like a Norman Rockwell painting.

Colton stood up on his chair suddenly and cleared his throat until everyone looked at him, at which time he tapped his finger against his plastic cup.

"On this Thanksgiving," he started in a serious voice. "I would like to make a toast about bein' thankful for this turkey and also for pie!"

"Hear, hear," Ben piped up, holding his sippy cup in the air.

There was a second of silence before Avery grabbed a handful of food and raised it above her head.

"Haaaaa," she growled before shoving the food into her mouth. Colton got back down and continued to eat as if nothing had happened, while Isa stood up and went through the same thing.

"On this Thanksgiving, I would like to make a toast about bein' thankful for the Yankees and AC/DC!"

"Hear, hear!" Danny agreed.

"My turn!" Ben said, standing up. "I like to make a toast for Thanksgiving for toast 'cuz it is a good breakfast. With cinnamon. Hear, hear!"

"Haaaaa!" Avery repeated, a handful of cranberry sauce in her hand.

"On this Thanksgiving," Junior said, climbing up on his own chair. "I are thankful for Christmas!"

"Hear, hear!" all the kids shouted loudly, while Avery growled once more.

"Okay, as cute as you kids are, that's enough now."

"Best behavior is not standin' on chairs," Ben concluded, looking downcast. "Sorry, mama."

"It's alright."

They all went back to the regularly scheduled dinner and it wasn't long before plates were clean and most of the dishes were empty as well. Everyone just sat for a while, talking quietly and relaxing before they had to get up and do the dishes. The kids all waited patiently before they were excused from the table, then dashed upstairs, their feet pounding on the hardwood floors. Teagan and Liam were big enough to follow the older kids around now, even if it did take them a little longer to get up the stairs.

"Mama?" Avery asked, pointing in the direction the kids had gone.

"I don't think so, Goose."

She grumped and threw her head back, getting ready to wail, but Lindsay clapped a hand over her mouth.

"No."

"Dada," Avery responded.

"Naptime."

Avery looked around the table for some sympathy, her eyes resting on Austin and Danny.

"Ahmin! Nanny!"

"You heard your mama," Austin said, shaking her head. "Sorry Avery girl."

She made her eyes as big as they would get and turned them on Danny who held his hands up in surrender.

"Don't gimme that look, kid. I can't take it."

She reached for him and whined, cranking up the begging as high as she could make it go. The kicker came when she tilted her head to the side and took a deep breath before letting her bottom lip creep out.

"Nanny," she repeated softly, blinking twice.

"Aw come on, can't she stay up a little longer?"

Lindsay laughed and shook her head in amusement.

"Oh fine, but if she starts whining she's going to bed."

"Deal. C'mon Mimo, let's get outta here before your mama makes me wash dishes."

He took Avery out of the high chair and she grinned, clapping her hands.

"She's got you completely wrapped around her fat finger," Lindsay noted.

"How could she not? Look at this face!" Danny responded, squishing Avery's cheeks.

Lindsay grinned while Danny took Avery into the other room.

"He's a goner."

"Oh yeah."

* * *

"It's daddy, it's daddy! Mama, daddy's on the phone!"

"I know. Why don't you talk to him instead of just standin' there shoutin'?" Lindsay teased. Colton nodded and took the phone into the laundry room, Ben following close behind. Lindsay sat down on the couch next to Austin, pulling her legs underneath her and resting her head on her friend's shoulder.

"You okay?"

"Hug please."

Austin chuckled and obliged.

"You really miss him, huh?"

"Yeah. I think with everyone here I realize that he's not."

"I know. Are you going to turn on Christmas music tonight?"

"I thought about it. I just don't want to start any of the Christmas stuff without him."

"I get that."

"Do you think it's pathetic that I miss him this much? It's only been twelve hours."

"No. I think I would miss Danny that much too. You just show it more."

"I guess."

"Want to go shopping tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

"You're blue."

"I'm sorry."

"I must cheer you up."

"How are you gonna do that?"

"Pick a fight with Flack."

"That does usually amuse me."

Austin grinned and was about to start something when the kids came back into the room.

"Is there any food left?" Isa asked curiously.

"Not much. We just finished eating an hour ago, are you already hungry again?"

"Yeah. We played it all off and now we need more fuel."

"And energy," Sarah added with a nod.

"Wait dudes, maybe we need music!" Colton decided, running over to the computer. "The pirate song!"

"If I have to hear "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" one more time…"

"No, not that pirate song, mama!"

"How many pirate songs could there be?" Austin chuckled.

"Sail away where no ball and chain can keep us from the roarin' waves!" Colton and Ben belted out as the rest of the kids danced around. "Together undivided but forever will be free! Sail away upon our rig the moon is full and so are we, seven drunken pirates we're the seven deadly sins!"

"Should they really know the words to this song?" Mac asked with a chuckle. Lindsay just shrugged and giggled as the kids continued to dance spastically around the room. Sarah was the only one that had rhythm, the rest of them just kind of jumped and swaggered around.

"C'mon, let's show these kids how we used to dance back in the day," Austin suggested, jumping up from the couch.

"Aust, I don't think I want to relive the Macarena, thank you very much."

"Every party needs a pooper. And I know you can do electric slide. Jess, help me convince her."

"Are you serious?"

Flack hopped up from the couch and joined the kids, having been rid of any form of shame years before. It wasn't long before they'd opened up a playlist of 80's and 90's dance music and were all dancing around the living room, while Mac, Jo, and Sid just stared at them. This was definitely not the music or dancing they were used to, but it was entertaining to watch anyway.

"Haddaway!" they all shouted together before breaking out into a round of "What is Love."

"I'm too old for this," Sid announced with a shake of his head. "You two want pie? I'm getting pie."

"Pie would be good."

Pretty soon, the impromptu dance party was over in favor of dessert, all of the kids begging Sid to give them the biggest piece or to give them extra whipped cream. He held his own pretty well, managing to get them all a little of what they wanted but not so much that they would regret it later.

* * *

"You still awake?"

"Colton, why are you up?"

"I's jus' comin' up here. Checkin' on you."

"Sweetie, go back to bed."

"You are okay, mama?"

"I'm fine. Are you okay?"

He nodded and climbed up onto the bed, rubbing his eyes.

"I was just awake, worryin' 'bout the kids."

"What?"

"Daddy says that at night he thinks about me and Ben and the baby Aves and he worries about us. And I am the man of the house right now so I have to worry about that."

"Well what kinds of things are you thinkin' about?" she asked, completely intrigued about how his mind was working and what kinds of things were important to him.

"I was thinkin' about when Ben goes to school. And I was thinkin' that he is so quiet around other kids. And I was thinkin' he might not make friends. And I will have to help him make friends because I am a good big brother you know. But I can't be in his class and we won't have the same recess, so I don't know how to help him with that part."

"Yeah."

"And I was thinkin' 'bout the baby Aves and how she doesn't walk yet. And you know that she is getting bigger and she should walk soon. But then I thinked that if she was walking, she would make way, way more messes and disasters than she already makes. And I worry about her fallin' down the stairs too. So I am the man of the house and I need to come up with a solution for this business."

She hid her laugh and reached over to move his hair away from his face.

"Colton, you don't have to worry about those things. Daddy and I will do it."

"But daddy's not here."

"I know he's not here, but that doesn't mean he's not your daddy anymore."

"You think daddy thinks 'bout that stuff when he is gone?"

"Yeah, I know he does. He thinks about you kids all the time. He's always trying to figure out how to make your lives better and how to keep us all safe and happy and healthy."

"And that's a daddy's job?"

"Yeah. It's a mama's job too."

"Maybe I am not ready for all that. I need to be bigger and smarter first."

"Good. I don't want you growing up too fast."

"I feel better. I will go back to bed now, and when he gets home I think I will tell daddy thank you for doin' all his hard thinkin' and worryin'."

"He would like to hear that a lot, Colton."

"I'll tell him. For right now I will just go back to bed."

"Okay sweetheart."

He sat up and kissed her cheek before scampering out of the room and back down to bed. She was certain that no other father in the world could have instilled such wisdom and gratitude into such a young child, and she was glad to call them both hers.

* * *

It was late Sunday night when Adam finally arrived home. Lindsay let the kids stay up to see him and they were in various states of cranky when the front door opened. The boys ran to him, squealing and hooting with glee, grabbing onto him before he could even crouch down to pick them up. Avery wiggled off the couch and crawled over to them, shouting his name the whole way with a huge smile on her face. He scooped her up too and she wrapped her arms around his neck as hard as she could. Adam laughed and managed to get his arms around all three kids, picking them up and taking them all over to the couch where he sat down next to Lindsay and leaned over to kiss her.

"Daddy you missed so much stuff! Sid teached us The Robot! He said we gots to pretend we gots hinges on all our bones inside! And then mama put the wishbone in the oven and when it was all dry the next day, me and Ben got to pull it and make a wish! And Ben's wish is gonna come true!"

"What did you wish for, buddy?"

"I wish for daddy come home," Ben said seriously, nodding. "Comed true for I didn't tell it."

"What else happened while I was gone?"

"Sissy potty in the tub."

"She did?"

"Yup. Gross."

"Were you two stuck in there with her?"

"No, she was takin' her own bath," Colton said. "Mama drained out all the water and bubbles and then she said it was nasty."

"Well it was!" Lindsay defended with a grin. "I wasn't prepared for it."

"What did you do in Arizona, daddy?"

"Just lots of grown up responsibility stuff. I wished I was here instead."

"That proves it, daddy. You can't leave us ever again."

"Well I don't want to. I must say though, that it is way, way past all your bedtimes."

"Mama said we could wait up for you, but not much longer because I have to get up for school in the mornin'."

"Guess I'd better tuck you in."

"Okay. C'mon Ben, I will race you!"

They clambered up the stairs and Adam took Lindsay's hand, pulling her up from the couch.

"You want to take the girl and I'll deal with the boys?"

"Yes please. And hurry, okay?"

"Yeah?"

"Well duh. I missed you too. Didn't you miss me?"

"Babe, you have no idea."

She grinned and leaned up to kiss him, spending an extra moment just because they both felt like it had been so long.

"I'll meet you up there in ten minutes."

"That'll give me time to change."

"You mean into something? I thought…"

"Adam, believe me. You want me to change into something."

"I… uh… I'll be there in five minutes."

She gave him a short nod and sashayed up the stairs, leaving him speechless and firmly convicted that he never wanted to leave home again.


	189. Chapter 189

"Babe, wake up."

Lindsay reached back and tried to pull the pillow over her head but Adam stilled her hand.

"What?"

"I think Austin's here."

"It's midnight."

"I know, but that was her knock I just heard. You'd better go down there."

She yawned and sat up, running her hand through her hair before grabbing the light thermal robe off the end of the bed and putting it on over her pajamas. She made her way downstairs, rubbing her eyes and wondering what in the world constituted a midnight visit rather than a midnight phone call. She checked through the peep hole just in case, then opened the door.

Austin was standing there in a t-shirt and yoga pants shivering near violently from the cold. Lindsay pulled her inside and looked her from head to toe, trying to figure out what was wrong. There were frozen tear tracks on her bright red face and she had goosebumps on every inch of visible skin. She was wearing socks that happened to be completely soaked from the snow and Lindsay nearly shivered just looking at her. Slowly, she guided Austin to the couch and made her sit down, then pulled her socks off, tossing them on the floor.

"Austin?"

"Linds?"

It was then that Lindsay realized that Austin was stuck in a flashback. It was rare, she'd heard about it more than she'd seen it, but she still knew exactly what it was. Austin had probably walked here automatically, not really knowing where she was going, for her mind was so, so far away.

They regarded each other for a moment in the darkness before Austin started to cry. Her body was shaking so hard that Lindsay couldn't even wrap a blanket around her shoulders.

"Austin," she started, using the voice she reserved for calming the kids down, and holding her friends ice cold hands between hers. "I need you to take a breath."

"Please," Austin whimpered, almost imperceptibly, her green eyes cloudy.

Lindsay wasn't quite sure what to do; she'd seen Austin like this before, not quite as bad, but it wasn't totally foreign.

"What do you need, Aust?"

A new round of tears started and Lindsay shook away the little voice in the back of her head that said touching her would be bad. She moved from the coffee table to the couch and was only half surprised when Austin scooted as close as she could get, pulling her legs up onto the couch and trying to make herself as small as possible. Yes, it was very clear what this was.

"Austin, you're not a little girl anymore. He can't hurt you. He's gone. He'll never hurt you again. You're with me and you're safe. I have you and nothing can happen."

Austin's tears didn't stop completely but slowed enough that Lindsay could wrap a blanket around her.

"It's alright. You're safe."

"Danny."

"You want me to call him?"

Austin shook her head vigorously and Lindsay tightened the hold she had her in just a little.

"You want to tell me what happened?"

"Cold."

"I know. You'll warm up in a bit. Want me to go get another blanket?"

"Don't leave."

"Okay. I'll stay right here," she assured, brushing the dark curls away from Austin's face. "It's gonna be okay."

"We had a fight."

"You and Danny?"

Austin nodded, leaving Lindsay still confused. Austin and Danny fought all the time. Meaningless fights mostly, but they still argued a lot. Nothing had ever reduced her best friend to tears like this.

"What happened?"

"I'm not sure. Something happened at work and he was really upset. He went out with Flack and they had a drink. Or maybe a couple, I don't know. He came home and he was still mad."

"Tell me."

"We started arguing. I don't know why. I can't remember. We were both yelling. I think he was more drunk that he thought he was. Or just more mad. I don't know. I could smell it on him. The same beer my dad used to drink. And then Sarah started crying and I must have left because I don't remember anything until I got here."

"You were back in it pretty bad."

"I was scared. I had to get somewhere safe."

"You're safe here, Austin."

"I know. I'm sorry. I woke you up, didn't I?"

"It doesn't matter. You're still shivering. Let me make you some tea."

"No, don't go."

"Okay."

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Austin started to cry again, silent tears this time, but ones that tensed her entire body up. She tried even harder to curl into herself and for a moment Lindsay was afraid she was going to spiral back down to those memories.

"Austin, you need to let go."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. You've done it before. Don't let your father have that power over you."

"But he does!"

"Austin."

"He ruined my life. I'm still scared of him so I run out on my husband and my crying child. Didn't he know how that would affect me? What did I do that was so wrong that I deserved that? He had to punish me and-"

"Austin Grace you look at me right now," Lindsay said firmly, laying a hand on either side of Austin's face, absentmindedly wiping a few tears away. "You were abused. It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. You're not anything that he said you were. You are amazing and beautiful, even though he tried to break you. He's worthless and he didn't deserve to have you for a daughter. You are too good for him. You didn't do anything wrong, Austin. Nothing. Don't you dare ever think that again."

"I'm cold."

"Let me get up, I'll get another blanket."

She nodded and Lindsay stood up, walking upstairs to the closet.

"Hey," Adam whispered from behind her. "She okay?"

"I think so."

"I called Danny to tell him she was here. Is she staying?"

"I don't know. I think I'll take her home eventually, but for right now she just needs to crash here."

He nodded and went back into their bedroom while she carried the old quilt downstairs. Austin was still curled up on the couch, her arms wrapped around her legs and her chin resting on her knees. Lindsay sat down next to her and draped the quilt over both of them, then settled her arms around Austin, giving back just a little of the comfort she'd received in the past.

"Is this the quilt you bought when we were in Montana?"

"Mm-hmm."

"It's warm."

"Yes it is. Are you feeling better?"

"A little. I was just thinking…"

"About what?"

"Why I came here. All I remember thinking is that I wanted to be safe. And then I was here."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I don't see how it would be bad. It's just… Danny was my only safe place. I've never run from him before."

"You didn't run from him, Austin. What happened just brought up the horrible memories. It's not your fault and it's not his fault and if you need a place to calm down and feel safe before you have to go back and deal with that, then I'm glad you're here and not at a bar or wandering the streets getting frostbite on your feet because as much as Danny loves you, I think that might freak him out."

Austin gave a short chuckle and buried her face in Lindsay's shoulder, the same way Isa did when she needed a little space from the world.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

"No, you can't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not good for the kids to wake up and realize that mommy's not there. Because you and Danny need to talk. I mean really talk, Austin. And as much as I love our sleepovers, those things are more important. But I am not kicking you out for a good long while."

"Good because I don't think I could make it just yet."

They sat in silence for a long time, the minutes ticking by on the clock and no words passing between them. It was a silence they'd shared so many times before, but each time it spoke more and different volumes than the time before.

"Hey Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"Wrong with you? Like what?"

"Just something… I can't get over it. What he did to me. I still have those reactions and those fears and I think there's something wrong with me."

"Austin, you grew up in a nightmare. Did you expect to leave that completely behind as soon as you left?"

"No."

"It's a process. Do you think there's something wrong with me because I have nightmares and flashbacks?"

"No. But your nightmares and flashbacks don't really affect anyone else. They don't make you leave, they don't make you scared of Adam, they don't make you afraid of yourself."

"Oh honey," Lindsay said, her voice dropping into a little accent to mask the emotion. "I thought you knew me better than that."

"What are you talking about?"

"Austin, I run just like you do. I take those late night walks and I take days off from my life. I get scared and I get angry and I let it get the best of me. Austin, you and I are always going to have those things to deal with. We can get control of ourselves and we can decide how to deal with it, but there is nothing we can do to keep it from coming. And that's not our fault."

"I shouldn't have left."

"Maybe, maybe not. Maybe you should have stayed and let Danny take care of you. Maybe leaving was right because you got out before you made it worse in your head. I don't have that answer for you, but I know you would never do anything the purposefully harm yourself or your family. I can deduce then, that you did the right thing."

Austin sniffled and moved a little, wrapping her arms around herself and trying to bury her feet in the couch.

"Still cold?"

"Still gonna make me go home?"

"Austin."

"What? I'm a scaredy cat."

"You're not either. You need to stop talking about yourself like that."

"Leave it to you to kick my butt."

"That's what I'm here for," Lindsay said in the most serious tone she could muster.

"I love you, Lin."

"Love you more."

They fell into silence again for a very long time, long enough that Austin started to warm up and she finally uncurled from herself a little.

"What was that noise?"

"Ben. He's having a nightmare."

"You wanna go up there?"

"Nah, we give him a minute to get out of it before we go in."

"Poor boy."

"He's getting better, unfortunately I don't think this one is going to be better."

She got up from the couch and went upstairs, finding Ben in the middle of his bed, crying softly.

"Hey baby. You're okay. Let's lay down and go back to sleep."

"No, mama hold me."

"Want to come downstairs with me for a bit?"

He nodded and she picked him up, running her fingers through his hair and guiding his head down to rest on her shoulder.

"Scary dream, mama."

"I know."

They went downstairs and she flipped on the kitchen light because it made him feel safer much faster.

"Austin?" he asked softly, mostly just making out her shape without his glasses on. "Why you here?"

"I just came over to talk to your mom."

"You crazy ladies is always talkin'," he replied, yawning as Lindsay sat down on the couch. He rested against her chest, one hand wrapped around her fingers while his other hand snaked up to play with her hair and trace over her ear.

"You had a bad dream, huh?"

"Yeah. It always happen. Mama come and get me. Save me from all the scaries."

"Your mama's good at that, huh?"

"Yep. You have a bad dream too, Austin?"

"Kind of."

"Uncle Dan not make you feel better?"

"Nah, this time I decided I needed some face time with your mama."

"Sorry my dream interrupt your talkin'."

"Oh that's okay. We were just sittin' here pickin' on each other."

"Oh. I think we need some milk an' cookies."

"That is just what your daddy would say."

"We could have some?"

"We don't have any, honey."

"Well we gots a kitchen huh?"

She smiled shook her head.

"I love you, Ben."

"I love you mama. No cookies an' milk? I will go to sleep now."

"Goodnight baby."

He was back to sleep in a few minutes, and Austin reached over to run her hand up and down his back.

"He still seems like a baby to me."

"I know. I think it's because he's still so chubby."

Austin chuckled and looked closely at the face that was so often covered with glasses. He was the perfect blend of Adam and Lindsay, both in personality and in looks and she had a special place in her heart for her sons best friend. The two of them were more like twins with the seamless way they communicated. They'd been like that since birth, before that even and she often entertained the idea that they had some kind of psychic connection.

"Can I have him?"

Lindsay nodded and shifted her son to her best friends arms, smiling because Ben didn't seem to notice a difference.

"Do you think his nightmares will ever stop?"

"I hope so, but if they don't… we'll just deal with it."

"They're getting better, aren't they?"

"A little. He goes back to sleep a lot easier."

Austin nodded and ran a finger down Ben's cheek, his simple sleep breathing making her feel so much better. She knew then that she needed to get home, cuddle her own kids and get her mind straightened back out again.

"Lin, will you take me home?"

"Yeah. Go put him in bed, I'll get coats and you can borrow some shoes."

"You're the best, do you know that?"

"Well, I try."

Austin grinned and stood up, cradling Ben against her. She loved the feeling of her arms being completely full and she walked slowly, just to make the moment last longer. He gave a little snuffling sigh as she placed him into his bed, tucking the blankets tightly around him and moving his stuffed animals into his arms.

"I love you, Benjamin," she said, leaning down to kiss his cheek. "Sleep good."

He nuzzled into his pillow and she moved away, taking a second to adjust the blankets on Colton's bed before she left the room. Just their simple existing was making everything okay again.

* * *

"Hey Linds, c'mere a minute."

Lindsay wordlessly followed Danny into the office, knowing what he was going to talk about but confused as to the look on his face.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothin'. I don't know. Is something wrong?"

"We've always been good at reading each other but you're going to have to start over because I'm completely lost here," she sighed.

"Austin talks to you."

"Um, yes."

"What did she say the other night?"

"She just told me what happened and said that she had a flashback."

"Was she mad at me?"

"No, I don't think so. Didn't the two of you talk?"

"Yeah, but I know she tells you things that she doesn't tell me."

"Oh, so you want me to betray her trust just to make you feel better?"

"I didn't say that, Montana."

"Well what do you want from me then?"

"I just want to know what I did wrong."

She sighed and rubbed her temples, taking a deep breath before she spoke.

"Do you really not get it, Danny or are you trying to make me let you off the hook?"

"You're mad at me."

"How can you not understand what you did?"

He held up his hands in confusion and she plopped into her chair, crossing her arms on the desktop and fixing him with a narrow gaze.

"You had a bad day at work. You didn't come home, you went straight out to the bar. I don't care if you were really drunk or a little tipsy, but the fact of the matter is that you used alcohol to cope with a bad day. And then you came home and the two of you got in a fight. I don't know who started it and I don't care. But you smelled like beer, and you'd been drinking and you were yelling at her all because you'd had a bad day. Now, does that sound familiar to you at all?"

He sighed and sat down in his own chair, tossing his glasses onto the desk and letting out an aggravated sigh.

"That's all that was?"

"All that was?" she echoed, nearly astounded. "Are you stupid?"

"What?"

"Don't you get it, Danny? Don't you understand what those memories do to her? It's not about you or how safe you make her feel, it's about the fact that he screwed with her mind so hard that sometimes there's nothing she can do to get control over it. You were right there when it was happening, Danny and you still don't understand her triggers? Still after all these years?"

"I… I…" he mumbled.

"What is wrong with you?" she asked, her voice raising in anger. She hadn't realized before how mad at him she actually was and while she suspected that a lot of it was protective anger she still harbored towards Austin's parents, she was going to unleash it all on him.

"Lindsay."

"Shut up, Danny. You screwed up. You went to blow off steam and you ended up coming home just like her father used to. You're supposed to be the one that protects her from stuff like that. You're supposed to catch things like that before she even sees them. And now you're acting like it's some big hassle and she should be over it by now. Well here's a newsflash, Messer. She's never going to be over it. It's a part of her and it's always going to be there. You're supposed to love her no matter what and protect her and be there for her, not make it worse and make her feel guilty about it. You left her once, Danny, don't think that doesn't play into this a little too. It's not all about you but it's not completely off your shoulders either. I know you make the excuse that you were a dumb kid and you didn't know how bad it was, but whether it was one black eye or fifty, it should have tipped you off that it wasn't right."

"You're blamin' me for what happened to her?"

"No, I'm blaming you for taking so long to grow some balls and realize what was going on. She could have died, Danny. And when someone you love is dying you do everything it takes to save them. Nothing else matters. At least it's not supposed to, but I guess your little baseball career was more important to you than she was. Did you ever think about her while you were gone? Did you ever wonder if she was alright? Do you even care now or do you just think it's something that happened so long ago that it doesn't matter? Huh?"

"I did care about her! I worried about her every night!"

"Then why didn't you help her? Why did you just figure that there was no easy solution so there was no solution at all? Why didn't she mean more to you than that? She would have done anything for you, even back then. She didn't ask you to stick around to protect her, she didn't make you feel guilty when you left. What did you give her in return? You abandoned her. What did she have to do to make herself worth it to you? Tell me that. Just tell me what would have made you love her more."

"I was a kid, Lindsay. What would you have done? Everything is stacked against you, there's nowhere to turn, what would you have done?"

"I would have taken her and run away. Nothing else would have mattered but her life and getting her out of there. Not a career, not college, not even the next meal. Keeping her safe and alive is more important. I don't know what else in the world was so vital that you could just walk away from her."

"You don't understand-"

"I don't understand? Are you a complete idiot? Stop making excuses like everyone else! Just admit the fact that you were scared and it was easier to walk away than it was to help her. Just say it, Danny."

"If you're trying to get me to say I don't love her-"

"I never said that! Obviously you're not really paying attention here."

"Lindsay-"

"Screw off, Danny!" she hollered, standing up and leaving the office, stalking down the hall and into the elevator. She was seething, raging mad, but at the same time the guilt was weighing down on her heavily. Everything she'd said was true, but she shouldn't have said it that way. She shouldn't have gotten herself involved in their problems.

As soon as she had the thought, she took it back. True, there was no reason to be a busy body, but hadn't she just lectured Danny about not getting his nose in Austin's business? Hadn't she just preached to him about standing up for the people you love? The problem was that she loved them both, and while she couldn't really understand why Danny hadn't rescued Austin a lot sooner, she knew that it never had anything to do with how much he loved her. She never should have even danced around the idea of him not loving Austin, because she knew he did. Everyone with eyes or a pulse would know it. She wasn't just exaggerating, she would have taken Austin and run away. It wouldn't have even been a question, and she couldn't wrap her mind around the fact that for all the rest of them, the hesitation had won out. Her own heart would never, ever understand.


	190. Chapter 190

"This is the birthday song, it isn't very long. Hey!" Colton shouted, spinning in a circle around the kitchen. "I am seven and Ben is four and the baby Aves is one whole year old!"

"I am four!" Ben confirmed with a nod. "Four, four, four!"

"I 'member when I was four," Colton said wistfully. "Those were the days."

Lindsay and Adam both erupted into laughter at the words and Colton smiled. He was used to them laughing at things he said, and he was tired of asking why it was funny, so he just acted like he knew.

"So what are we gonna do today?" he asked, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it again.

"We're going to go bowling first, and then we're going to come back here for cake and ice-cream and birthday spankings."

"Don't forget the pinch to grow an inch."

Colton nodded, ignoring their teasing.

"Okay, so today is my actual birthday and Avery's actual birthday. And tomorrow is Juniors actual birthday, and Ben's is a few days later, right?"

"Yeah, on Wednesday."

"I like that all our birthdays are together, but I wish Isa and Sarah had their birthdays with us instead of in the summer."

"That would be crazy," Lindsay said, scraping the rest of the frosting out of the bowl and touching up a few thin spots on the cake. "Are you going to want seven candles on your cake, or just the number seven?"

"I don't know. Can I think about it?" he asked, looking at the yellow cake. "Can you tell me what kind of cake it will be?"

"Nope, that's a surprise."

"Okay mama. Can you tell me about Ben's cake?"

"Nope, you'll tell."

"How about the baby Aves cake? I could tell her and she won't even know!"

"Nope, it's all a secret. Fair is fair."

"Okay. How come the baby Aves gets a big cupcake too?"

"Because everyone gets their own little cake on their first birthday."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why mama?"

"She's gonna play in it," Adam answered. "Smear it all over everything."

"That's what she always does with her food."

"Yeah, well she's ahead of the first birthday curve then. Speaking of our daughter, should I go get her up?"

"Yeah, I told her last night that she could relax in her crib as long as she wanted this morning because it's her birthday," she teased, half wondering why their little screamer wasn't awake and gracing them with her vivaciousness.

"How come you didn't tell me that, mama?" Colton asked as Adam started up the stairs.

"Because you would have been up at the butt crack of dawn anyway."

"Oh, that's right. So how long until we leave to go bowling?"

"After lunch."

"Aw man! What do we do until then?"

"If you want to get your coats and gloves and boots on, you can go play in the backyard."

"Ben, wanna go outside with me? We could check on our snowman!"

"Okay. Mama put my boots on."

"Go get them and I'll help you."

The boys dashed off into the other room while Adam came downstairs with Avery on his hip.

"Happy birthday Stinkbug Jones," Lindsay greeted, walking over to kiss Avery's cheek.

"She's got a massive runny nose, watch out for the snot."

"Oh, poor baby. Did you get a cold, honey?"

"Mama. Ew."

"Yeah, you have snot all over your hand. You might need a bath before we leave."

"Itty?" she asked reaching up to tug on one of her red curls.

"Yeah, we can make your hair pretty. Maybe daddy can give you a bath so I can finish with the cakes."

Avery patted her belly and gave a puppy dog look while Lindsay grinned.

"Alright, breakfast then a bath. Whatever the birthday girl wants."

* * *

"I don't get it. We want to get a strike?" Colton asked, thoroughly confused. "I thought strikes were bad!"

"In baseball they're bad but in bowling, you want them. You want to knock down as many pins as you can. If you knock down all ten in one throw, that's a strike. If you get down all ten in two throws, that's a spare."

"A spare what?"

"Nothing, it's just called a spare."

Colton nodded and examined the black bowling ball while Ben tucked both hands behind his back, leaning forward and watching the people in the other lanes. Avery was standing next to the chairs, taking it all in, grumpy because she knew she wasn't going to be able to play, and she would have to sit and keep score with mama.

Finally the boys were ready to play and the bumpers came up so they wouldn't have to contend with gutter balls.

"What do we do, daddy?"

"Here, I'll show you," Adam said, taking a ball and sliding it down the lane. It turned at the last minute, just past the bumpers, completely missing any pins.

"Okay, so don't do it exactly like I did. Try to hit the pins."

Colton nodded and stepped up to the line taking a moment to choose what he was going to do before he set the ball down on the ground and pushed it as hard as it could. It rolled slowly down the lane, taking out three pins.

"What's that called, daddy?"

"That's a potential spare. That ball is going to pop back through and you get another shot."

Colton nodded and waited for the ball, grabbing it when it came up. This time he swung the ball back and forth between his legs a few times before letting it go. He managed to knock down a few more pins and was happy with his score for the moment.

Ben had been analyzing everything from the beginning and approached the line carefully, swinging and releasing the ball with precision. It rolled quickly and haphazardly, bouncing off the bumpers until it made its way unceremoniously to the end of the lane where it knocked over one pin.

"Yah!" Avery hollered, clapping her hands. "Beb!"

Ben turned and looked at her, raising one finger to his lips. She repeated his action, then looked at Lindsay, letting out a soft "shhh." Lindsay nodded and watched as Ben picked the ball up again, taking a deep breath before swinging and letting go. It was much better this time and he managed to get most of the pins down, from force rather than precision.

"Wow, nice job Ben!" Colton said with a nod. "I am gonna try your way next time. Your turn, daddy."

They continued this way for a long time, stopping twice because of tears over the score, but for the most part, by the seventh frame they'd all found their strides. Colton, however was becoming increasingly frustrated at the fact that his ball always rolled to the side. He knew it had to go straight down the middle for a strike but for some reason he just couldn't do it. After several attempts with different variables, it occurred to him that something outside his control must be making this happen. It had to be something wrong with the floor.

He got down on his hands and knees, then lay down, pressing his cheek to the slick floor, checking to see what could possibly be wrong.

"Colton Matthew, get up off the floor."

"But mama-"

"It's disgusting. Get up."

"But you're letting the baby Aves lick a seat!"

Lindsay looked down and found Avery gumming the orange plastic chair.

"Oh Averylin! That is no. Ew, ew, ewwie!"

Avery sighed and sniffled, running the back of her hand over her still runny nose and then over her nice sweater.

"Oh child," was all Lindsay could say before Avery cheered, letting go of the chair for just a moment to stand on her own. She grabbed it again quickly, not loving standing free. Sometimes she would let go of something and even try to take a step before she would remember that she was unassisted and get scared. Most of the time she figured out how to grab onto something, but occasionally they had found her standing right next to the couch crying because she didn't know what to do.

"The floor is slanted for real!" Colton said suddenly, crouched down and inspecting the floor. "It really, really is! That is why I stink at this."

"Colton, the floor's not slanted-"

"Yep it is. This is not fair! It only slants when I throw the ball!"

"Colton-"

"I don't want to play anymore!"

He stomped over to the chairs and sat down, crossing his arms over his chest while Ben bowled, getting a spare and shouting while jumping up and down.

"Mama, mama, did you see? I done got a spare! I did, I did!"

His excitement was uncharacteristic and Lindsay snickered at his uncoordinated jumping.

"Daddy did you see?"

"Yeah, I saw. I think that means you have a better score than I do now."

"That's not faaaaaair!" Colton whined. "He is littler than me and he ain't even good at sports!"

Avery side stepped over to him, holding onto the chairs until she reached him, patting his knee.

"Co. Hi."

"Hi," he responded darkly. "I bet you're better at bowlin' than I am."

"No," she said, shaking her head before smiling and half dancing to the music that was playing.

"Colton, do you want me to show you a bowling trick?" Lindsay asked, feeling bad that he was getting so frustrated.

"You know a trick mama?"

"Yeah, I do. Come here and have your turn and I'll show you."

They walked over to the line and she stood behind him, stooping down to whisper in his ear. He nodded seriously as he listened, throwing his arm out in practice. After a moment she handed him the ball and he took a deep breath, using the method she'd described to knock down six pins.

"Whoa did you see that?"

"Cole, you did that! Could get a spare now!" Ben said enthusiastically. He'd never been competitive and just enjoyed being involved rather than winning.

"I could I bet. What do you think, daddy?"

"I think you can try and see what happens."

He nodded as his ball came back up through the chute, grabbing it and walking to the line he took a second to line up the shot, then threw the ball, waiting in anticipation as it knocked down three pins, the fourth one teetering for a second before falling over. They all cheered for him and he spun around delightedly.

"Mama, can I call Isa and tell her about this?"

"Not right now sweetie. Why don't you wait until tonight and then you can tell her all about it."

"Okay. Now it's Ben's turn!"

They played the rest of the game, then ended up buying ten more frames because the boys were having so much fun. Avery on the other hand was getting cranky and discontent, rubbing her nose almost non-stop. She was in need of a nap but she didn't want to be held when there was so much going on around her. She fought out of Lindsay's arms every time, then subsequently crashed into a crying heap on the floor. She was absolutely impossible, and by the time they handed their shoes in, she was wailing and kicking her legs.

"I don't wanna sit by her in the car!" Colton said, shooting a glance at his sister. "She is being a totally naughty baby!"

"It won't be long before we get home and she can take a nap while the rest of us watch a movie."

Avery cried as she was buckled into her seat, and Ben reached over to hold her hand.

"It's okay sissy. You are just so tired. You don't wanna turn one, huh? It's okay. You can cry."

She whimpered and looked over at him and he used his sleeve to wipe her nose.

"There, that is better. Close them eyes and rest now."

She whimpered and squeezed his hand before closing her eyes and going to sleep.

"Wow Ben, you sure know how to take care of the baby Aves, huh?" Colton asked.

"Yup. She my sissy. It's my job."

* * *

It was with great joy and laughter that the kids greeted each other later that evening, as if they hadn't seen each other in several weeks instead of just a few days. Colton and Ben babbled on an on about their bowling trip, giving the other kids barely seconds to respond between sentences. Lindsay went into the kitchen, checking on the four cakes that were resting on the counter. Colton's was an _Operation _game board, Junior was a fireman theme, Ben's was a giant Lego, and Avery's was a muddy pasture with a fence and pink frosting pigs on it. Lindsay was pretty proud of herself for coming up with all of them and pulling it off while keeping it a secret from the kids.

"Hey Montana."

She turned around at Danny's voice, letting herself look into his eyes because she knew that she could never hide from him. They hadn't spoken since their blow out the week before and Austin had done her best to avoid the entire thing.

"Danny… um, I'm-"

"If you say you're sorry, I'm gonna be really mad at you."

"Why?"

"Someone should have said all that to me a long time ago. It wasn't because I didn't love her, but I was lazy and I didn't want to know how bad it was. I never really apologized to her for all of that until the other day and I don't think I ever would have if you hadn't said it."

"I shouldn't have said it that way, Danny. I was just mad and I hate seeing her like that and I just…"

"You were right though, okay? At first I was mad at you because I kept tellin' myself that you didn't understand how it was back then. But I guess I realized that it didn't matter. She's your best friend and you should be mad about what happened to her, and you should be mad at me for not doin' everything I could to get her out."

She stayed quiet, leaning against the counter until he walked over and hugged her tightly.

"You are about the only person in the world that could say all that to me. So thank you, because I needed to hear it."

"Swear?"

"I swear."

"You mad at me?"

"No. You just promise me that you'll always kick my butt when I need it."

"Okay."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and stepped away, surveying the cakes.

"You did all this, Montana?"

"Yeah."

"When can we eat them?"

"Oh get out of here, you're as bad as the kids."

He laughed and left the kitchen while she took dinner out of the oven.

"Mama, can I come in there?"

"No, the cakes are out and you can't see them."

"Aw!"

"Go play, Colton."

"But mama… don't you remember when I was a cute little baby? It was seven whole years ago. Don't time just fly?"

She knew what he was doing and she chuckled, going over to the doorway, scooping him up and moving away so he couldn't see the cakes.

"I think maybe I'll do a magic spell to make you into a baby again."

"No mama!" he laughed. "I can't hug you if I'm a baby!"

"Oh alright, you can stay all grown up. But I'm still gonna smooch ya."

He giggled as she dropped kisses all over his face, then playfully pinched his side.

"I love you little man. Thanks for bein' the best first baby I ever had."

He smiled and pressed his nose to hers.

"You are so strange. I love you a lot."

She smiled and held him close for a moment, wishing she could go back in time to the first time she'd laid eyes on him. That wonderful, life changing moment. The best and most perfect things in her life had started the second he entered it and nothing had been the same since. Every day had been better than the last and she couldn't imagine what it would be like if he was any different.

"Hey mama?" he asked after a moment, lifting his head off of her shoulder.

"Yes?"

"I am real happy that I was born and that you and daddy are my parents and Ben and Aves are the other kids and I don't wanna be in any other family in the whole world, not even the Bradys."

"We get billing over Mike and Carol Brady?"

"Yup!"

"I should tell daddy, this is a monumental moment!"

"Like I said, mama, you are strange."

* * *

"I didn't know anyone could make this big of a mess with one little piece of cake," Danny said, standing on a chair to reach the cake that Avery had managed to fling onto the ceiling.

"My daughter has mad skills," Adam replied.

"The messiest kid on the planet?"

"Hey, it could be a trade someday."

Danny gave a short chuckle and stepped off the chair, carefully avoiding the frosting that Junior had spilled.

"So lemme ask you a question. Did Linds ever lay into your mom the way she laid into me?"

Adam gave a half shrug.

"She didn't tell me what you two talked about, but from what I can tell, it wasn't pretty. And I know that she keeps things as nice and pleasant as she can with my mom, so I doubt they ever had a conversation like that. Why?"

"I dunno."

Adam didn't say anything for a long time, cleaning off the table and the high chair, taking a while to figure out what he wanted to say.

"You know, sometimes I forget too."

"Forget what?"

"What happened to Lindsay. I guess I just don't see her like that, how she was back then. I think you probably don't see Austin that way either. It's easy to forget the triggers, especially when they happen so fast."

"Lindsay's got things too?"

"You notice that she never stacks the dishes?"

"What?"

"After dinner, she'll make ten or fifteen trips back and forth to get all the dishes and take them to the sink, but she won't stack them up to make less trips. Once they're in the kitchen it doesn't matter, but at the table they can't be stacked."

"Why is that?"

"Because that night in the diner, right before she got up from the table, she'd stacked her dishes up. I don't know why that particular thing gets to her, but it does. So I don't stack my dishes."

"Did she tell you that or did you notice it?"

"She told me. She doesn't know why it's like that but it is. It's an easy one to remember. But there's other things I forget. I'm not perfect. No one expects you to be either."

"Yeah, but I screwed up. I'm sure you heard."

"Lindsay ranted a little. I kind of get it though. When they're doing so good, it's harder to remember those things. And you don't want to think about it either, you just want everything to be alright. It's not a screw-up, Danny, it's a mistake. You didn't do it on purpose."

"I know that."

"Then it's time to move on. Don't do it again, but don't spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about it."

"You sound like you speak from experience."

"Kind of. I've messed up a few times, keeping things from Lindsay is usually the culprit. And I don't do it to hurt her, but it ends up hurting her anyway. The longer I feel guilty, the less inclined she is to listen when I say I'm sorry. She doesn't want some whiny kid who moans about how bad he feels for what he did. It's better to make the apologies and move on."

"Not worth the time to dwell on it, huh?"

"I don't think it is. And those two in there, I know that if I make Lindsay mad, then Austin's going to be mad, and that is a double roundhouse kick to the face that I am just not prepared enough for."

"Yeah, I'm glad we've both managed to avoid double teams from them."

"Although there was that one pick up basketball game…"

"I still have a mark from Montana elbowing me in the gut."

Adam laughed and shook his head.

"We're very lucky men, but we are also necessarily very, very brave."

"I agree with that one, cupcake. Whole heartedly."

* * *

"Kids, it's time for-" Lindsay began, then stopped as she came up the stairs into the bedroom. Adam had a son under each hand and was tickling them mercilessly while he leaned down and blew raspberries all over Avery's cheeks. The kids were all squealing with laughter and every time he would stop they would beg him for more.

"Again, daddy again!" Ben hollered, laughter tears forming behind his glasses.

"Again? Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, you asked for it!"

He launched in again and Ben screamed kicking his legs against the bed in absolute glee.

"My turn daddy, my turn, tickle me!" Colton begged.

"Here it comes!"

Colton howled and tried to get away, turning it into a game of chase.

"Daddy, get mama!"

"No, I don't wanna-"

Adam ignored her, crossing the room and grabbing her around the waist just as she was about to run. One hand held her close while the other ran up and down her sides, across her stomach, up her back to her neck, then all the way down again. She struggled to get away, but with the laughing she was doing it was hard to even breathe, much less move. He moved her to the bed and playfully pushed her onto it. The kids didn't need any coaching, they all attacked her too, tickling everywhere they could reach. She tolerated it as long as she could before she begged them to stop and they all crashed down onto the bed, giggling and trying to catch their breath.

"That was fun," Colton said after a moment.

"Yes. I like the ticklin' mama the best."

"Yeah Ben, me too."

"Ticka mama!" Avery agreed, giving them a one toothed grin. She sighed and lay down, resting her head against Lindsay's chest for a moment.

"You know what I think, kids? I think sometime when he least expects it, we're going to have to launch a full blown tickle daddy attack."

"Yeah!"

"Hey, now that's not fair! You've got time to plot against me!"

"Yes we do. But for right now, it's time for three rambunctious, scrumptious children to go to bed."

"What's scrumptious?" Ben asked.

"It means delicious and irresistible."

"I are not delicious," he said, licking his arm. "I taste ewwie."

She chuckled and pulled him to her, kissing his cheek.

"Well I don't think so. I think you're delightful."

"I are a pretty awesome boy," he agreed with a nod. "Daddy tuck us in tonight?"

"I think daddy and I will both tuck you in. Come on little penguins, let's scamper."

They all went downstairs into the boys room and Ben picked a book while Lindsay got their beds ready.

"Can you and daddy read together?" Colton asked, climbing into his bed and smashing his pillow into the perfect shape.

"Sure. Should we ask daddy to do funny voices?"

"Yeah, daddy do funny voices!"

Adam chuckled as they sat down on the floor, letting Avery crawl up into bed with Ben. They cracked open the book, _Bread and Jam for Frances_ and began to read in silly voices while the boys giggled and Avery yawned.

After one more book it was time for lights out. Adam spent a few more minutes tucking the boys in tightly and kissing them goodnight, while Lindsay took Avery into the other room, sitting down in the rocking chair to snuggle her for a little while longer.

"Oh sweet girl. I can't believe you're already a year old. I can't even think what our lives would be like without you."

"Abap," she replied sleepily.

"Yes, I am sure it would be less messy around here, but who needs a clean house all the time? Surely not me. You know something, sweetie? You're absolutely perfect. I love you with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. I will always be here for you. I might make mistakes, honey but it's because of me, not you. And I hope that you'll be able to forgive me for that."

"Mama."

"Happy birthday my love," she whispered, standing up from the chair, feeling as if it was her very last moment that she would be a mama to a baby. It was so much harder than it had been with the boys and she felt the tears coming to the back of her eyes.

"Sleep good darling."

She settled Avery safely into the crib then sat back down in the chair. She would only stay a few minutes. Just a few.


	191. Chapter 191

"What kind of sandwich did you pack me today, mama?" Colton asked, tying his shoes as he sat on the bottom of the stairs.

"Turkey like you asked for."

"And avocado slices?"

"Yes. And a string cheese."

"Cool. I am really excited for this field trip. I love museums."

"I know you do. Now, remember what we talked about. You pay attention to what all the grown ups are telling you and mind your manners."

"I know mama. Because there is three first grade classes going and that is a ton of kids so I need to be very good. Me and Isa already talked about it. We're going to be really, really good."

"Okay. Do you think you need to wear a hat today?"

"Can I wear my snowboardin' hat that daddy gave me?"

"Sure, do you know where it is?"

"Yup. Be right back!"

He ran off into the other room and she yawned. It had been a long morning, he'd been up since dawn excited about his field trip to the children's museum. It would be his first field trip and he'd been excited about it for weeks, especially since Isa's class would be joining his and they would get to spend the day together.

Lindsay was a little nervous, knowing that he wasn't going to be in the safety of the school and she was going to have to rely on other parents to keep an eye on him. She would have volunteered for the trip, but all the parents rotated and she wasn't up for a day with the class for another month.

"Ah mama!" Avery greeted, crawling around the corner.

"Hi baby. Are you ever going to walk again?"

Avery giggled and slapped her hands down on the tiles as she crawled into the kitchen. She'd been doing well, walking pretty hesitantly for a few days, but then Danny had innocently and playfully growled at her as she tried to take steps and she hadn't walked a step since then. She was either stubborn or suffering from the baby form of PTSD.

"Hey sissy come back!" Ben hollered, jogging into the kitchen. "We is still playin'!"

She sat on the small rug in front of the sink and giggled at him when he leaned down to wrap his arms around her chest and pick her up.

"You is so chunky," he said, staggering across the kitchen. "And enormous."

"Bye mama," she said with a little wave as they went back into the other room.

"Geez sissy, you are so hefty," he mumbled, setting her back down on the floor where they had been playing with their plastic farm set.

"Beb?" Avery questioned after a moment, holding up a toy horse.

"That's a horse, sissy. It's a Paint. Can you say that? Paint horse?"

"Pah hos."

"Yep! You are smarty. Now look at this cow. It says moo and it gives milk."

"Moo!"

"Now this aminal… I not know what kind it is. Hey mama, what this?"

"That's a goat," Lindsay answered, checking through Colton's backpack to make sure that he had everything.

"Oh yes. Goats, they eat everythin'. Sissy, you is a goat."

As if agreeing, Avery took the small toy from him and put it in her mouth, chewing on the head of it.

"Mama, they're here! Time for me to go!" Colton announced, sliding into his coat.

"Come here, let me button that up for you."

He gave a long sigh as she buttoned his coat and the front door opened.

"Colt, you ready?" Isa asked, fighting her long curls into submission and tossing them over her shoulder.

"Yep, my mama's just fixin' my coat. Sarah do you gots kindergarten today?"

"Nope," she answered quietly. "I'm gonna stay here with Daniel and Benjamin and Averylin and your mama. My ma has to go to the courtroom. Daddy is workin' too."

"Oh. It would be cool for you to go on a field trip with us. Maybe someday."

"Yep," she agreed, hugging her sister. "Bye, Isa. I love you."

"Love you too Sarah. Have fun."

Colton and Isa left the house, dragging Austin between them so she could drop them off at the bus stop. Sarah sighed and looked over at Ben and Junior who were ignoring Avery in favor of a book about football.

"Hi baby Averylin," she greeted. "Can I play farm with you?"

"Sah! Hi!"

Lindsay smiled and made sure they were all occupied before going upstairs to change. One would think that having all the kids for the day would be exhausting, but it really was never any crazier than having just her own kids. She was glad they all had each other and that they got along, because they would all grow up that much happier and safer.

* * *

"Colt!" Isa whispered fiercely, squeezing his hand.

"Shhh! We're s'posed to be quiet!"

"But Colt, I really, really gotta go to the bathroom! And you're my buddy, you have to come with me!"

"I can't go in the girls bathroom!" he said, raising his eyebrows.

"I am going to pee my pants!"

Colton jumped up and down and raised his free hand, waving it dramatically.

"Miss Shaumberg! Mr. Orlob! Isa has to pee!"

"Thanks a lot, Colt!" she said dropping his hand and running into the bathroom while the other kids laughed. "Oh shut up guys, at least I didn't go in my pants!"

The teachers and parents took a few moments to calm the kids back down before letting them explore the World Brooklyn exhibit. Colton was inspecting the stationary shop in the kid sized Brooklyn when he felt someone walk up behind him.

"Hey Little Ross. What are you doing?"

"Um, just looking at these things," he said. He recognized the voice without turning around. Zach was a bully. Zach picked on him all the time. Zach was a jerk.

"Oh yeah? I saw you holdin' hands with that _girl_," he sneered. "You know what I gotta do to boys that play with gross girls."

"Isa's not gross! And she's practically a boy!"

"But she's still a girl. And I gotta do what I gotta do."

"Why? Is this the He-Man Woman Haters club? Like on the movie?"

"Stand still, Little Ross. I'll show you what happens when you play with a girl."

Zach grabbed Colton's shoulder and turned him around, then grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled up. He called it a Turkey on the Log and he did it almost every day. Colton hated it but he wasn't exactly sure how to fight back. He yelped in pain, looking around for the teachers who never seemed to notice when he was getting picked on.

"Hey!" Isa shouted suddenly. Colton turned and saw her in a split second run over and knock Zach to the ground. "Don't mess with my best friend!"

She then called him a name that Colton had heard Austin say only once and he was certain Isa was not allowed to say it. Zach stood back up from the floor, his fist raised.

"You'll pay for that, Little Messer!"

His fist launched back and suddenly Colton found himself jumping onto Zach's back, putting him in a headlock and hollering.

"Don't you dare hurt Isa! I will smack you so hard that spit will come outta your mouth and hit you on the back of the head!"

Zach spun in a circle, trying to free himself while Colton continued to rant at him.

"You don't hit girls unless you're a barbarian! You just don't hit them!"

He felt someone picking him up and moving him back to the ground and he couldn't help but repeat the name that Isa had called Zach. He was mad and scared and he felt the muscles in his arms get tight because he was so nervous about finally standing up to a bully.

From the look on the teachers faces though, he knew this was not going to be received well, no matter who he had been trying to protect. And Isa wasn't going to be off the hook either. He already knew there was going to be a very, very long talk at home tonight.

* * *

"So then I got to thinking that a garbage disposal, while dangerous installed, it's pretty harmless uninstalled. The disposal that Drew Evans got his hand caught in was in a sink somewhere. I compared the wounds to the blades and found that it's an industrial disposal, used in restaurants and school cafeterias. I'm still tracking down a list of anyone who has it, but I thought maybe Danny and Flack could start canvassing the restaurants within a few blocks of where we found the body."

Mac nodded at Adam's assessment and looked through the print-outs with the specs on the garbage disposal.

"I'll tell them. Let me know if you come up with anything else."

"I did. The substance under the vic's nails was mirepoix."

"What?"

"Sorry, Lindsay's been watching the food channel recently. A cooked mixture of carrots, celery and onions. It's often used to line the bottom of a baking dish before making a roast or something."

"Seems all signs point to a kitchen of some kind."

"Exactly. Now I was thinking-" he began, but was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. "Uh, sorry boss, I gotta take this, it's Colton's school."

Mac gave him a nod and he answered the phone conversing with the person on the other end for a few minutes before hanging up.

"Everything alright?"

"It sounds like Colton and Isa got into a fight with another kid. The school couldn't get a hold of anyone else, so they want me to go down and pick them up."

"Sent home early?"

"No, suspended."

"Really?"

"That's what they said."

"You can leave and go get them."

"I've got to finish up here."

"Go ahead and bring them back here then," he said pointedly.

"You want to talk to them?"

"I think I do."

Adam gave a half amused nod, knowing the talk was more to instill fear into the kids than actually punish them. He never expected that either of the kids would get suspended, but if it had to happen, he wasn't surprised it was for fighting. They both had too much of their mothers in them to take bullying laying down and as upset with them as he was, he really wanted to hear directly from them what had happened.

The streets weren't as crowded as he was expecting and he arrived at the school in about half the time. Colton and Isa were sitting side by side in the office, eyes downcast and their legs swinging back and forth. They both looked up at him with large eyes when he came in, but he went over to the front desk first.

"Mr. Ross, hello. We haven't been able to reach Isabeth's parents and since you're listed as an emergency contact, we were hoping you could take her home."

"Yeah, she was going to end up at our house anyway. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm not sure. Let me call one of the teachers down here."

He nodded and moved over to the chairs to wait, sitting down next to Colton and giving him a look.

"But daddy, that kid was about to hit Isa!"

"And he was pickin' on Colt too!" Isa added. "That's why I done it."

"Guys-"

"I know we said swears but daddy, you woulda said swears too! Zach is the biggest, worstest meany in the whole entire school!"

"Colton, just settle down please. Once your teacher gets here I'll get everything straightened out."

"But daddy-"

"No buts, mister."

Colton sighed and looked over at Isa, who was chewing her bottom lip. She had never seen Adam so stern before, and she wasn't scared but she was a little worried about what the other grown-ups were going to think. Colton must have sensed what she was thinking and he slid his arm around her shoulder.

"It'll be okay, Isa. We won't be in huge trouble I bet."

"They'll be disappointed."

"Maybe, but we done the right thing. Zach won't pick on me or you anymore."

Isa nodded and sighed as both of their teachers came through the door. All the adults had a hushed conversation for a few moments before they all seemed to agree on something.

"Okay kids, lets go."

"Are we in huge trouble, Dum?"

"Let's just go."

They each took one of his offered hands and headed out to the car, climbing in to their seats. They both stood beside their decisions to do what they had done, but neither one of them knew if everyone else would see it that way.

"This isn't the way home," Colton commented, looking out the window at the passing buildings. "Where are we going?"

"Back to the lab. I have to finish up some work. You two can wait for me in Mac's office."

The two of them exchanged a look and a sigh. It was bad enough to get in trouble at school and with their parents, but they were none to happy about Mac being involved.

The rest of the drive and the elevator ride up to the lab were silent and they walked slowly into Mac's office, sitting down on the chairs against the wall.

"Hey Isa?"

"Yeah?"

"Is Mac gonna be real mad at us?"

"I dunno. If he is, I will just make my cute face, okay?"

"Okay. That always works."

They sat quietly for a few minutes until Jo walked by the room, then backed up and peeked in at them.

"What are you two doing here?"

They looked at each other and Colton sighed.

"My daddy picked us up from school. We're waitin' for him to be done."

"Why the long faces, there partners?"

"Uh… well, we kinda got in trouble at school."

"What do you mean kinda?"

"We got in big trouble, Jo."

"Oh you did, huh?"

"Are you mad at us?"

"Aw, I could never be mad at the two of you."

"Really?"

"Sure!"

"Good, because Mac is gonna come in here and talk to us. I just know it, Jo!" Isa moaned. "He will be so upset with us."

"Now why would you think that, Isa Messer?"

"Because, Mac likes the rules. And we broke the rules."

"Just connectin' A to B to C," Colton added.

"I see. Well Mac may love the rules but let me tell you two a little secret."

"Okay."

"Mac loves you kids more than he loves the rules."

"He does?"

"Yes, he does. And I don't know what he's going to say to you, but whatever he says, it's because he loves you. Got it?"

"Got it," they answered together.

"Good. Now I gotta go get some work done, but I'll see y'all later. And just remember for next time, for whatever you two did that got you into this, you can't keep trouble from visitin' but you don't have to offer it a chair."

And with that she was gone, leaving them alone again.

"Colt?"

"Hmm."

"What does that mean? What Jo just said."

"Y'all?"

"No, that other thing. About the chair?"

"Oh. Mama says that sometimes. Means that bad stuff can happen but you don't have to help it along. Like when the sink spilled over in the kitchen and me and Ben splashed in the water. We just maked the problem worser."

"Oh, I get it. Like today we maked the problem worser by fightin' Zach instead of tellin' a teacher."

"Yeah, kind of."

"Jo and Indy say lots of weird stuff."

"Yeah. Mama always says that bein' a cowboy means never sayin' it hurts, because pain is just the other side of feelin' good. I pinched Ben's arm to test it out and I got sent to my room, so I think mama was confused about what that really means."

"Grown-ups don't understand life."

"Amen."

They both looked up and noticed Mac standing in the doorway and they sunk back into their seats.

"Hi kids."

"Hi Mac," Colton said, taking a deep breath.

"Hi Papaw. You mad at us?"

"Oh no, I'm not mad. A little disappointed."

Isa nodded and sniffled while Colton reached over and patted her back.

"Did you two do something you knew was wrong?"

They looked at each other and Isa gave Colton the look that said she couldn't answer right now.

"Well Mac, you see, we kind of knowed it was wrong but we feeled it was right."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well you see this kid on the playground is a big bully. He's supposed to be a second grader, you know. He is very much taller and stronger than me and every day he picks on me and calls me Little Ross and gives me a Turkey on the Log. Every single day, Mac! And he was doin' it today and so Isa knocked him over for bein' a jerk and a bully. But then he was gonna hit her! He maked his hand into a big hitting fist and he pulled it back all slow like in the movies so I jumped on him and holded onto his neck like when I wrestle daddy. And then the teachers comed but me and Isa had already called him a real bad name that Austin said once and so we're in trouble for fightin' and for that word."

"We know we're not s'posed to fight, Papaw. But we were protectin' each other. That's what friends do!"

"Yeah! And that guy can't hit a girl. I don't even care if I get put in jail, he will never hit Isa, ever."

"So see, we shouldn't in be in trouble."

"And you know what happened to him, Mac? You know? Nothin'! Not anything at all! He's not in trouble because none of them teachers was lookin' and saw nothin'! And that's not fair!"

"You're right, Colton, that's not fair."

"That's all you're going to say? Nothin' else?"

"Nope. Your parents can figure out what to do about this. I just wanted to hear the story straight from you."

"You're not even mad that we broked the rules?" Isa asked with wide eyes.

"Well, I'm not happy about it. But I'm proud of you for sticking up for each other."

"Jo says you love us more than the rules."

"She's a smart woman. Adam's almost done working and then he'll take you both home."

He stood up and started to leave the room before Isa called him back.

"Papaw?"

"Yeah?"

"If you was us, what would you have done?"

He gave a long sigh before answering.

"Isa, I probably would have done the same thing. That doesn't make it right, but that's probably what I would have done."

* * *

"Well the daddy, what are we gonna do?"

Adam sighed and ran his fingers through his hair before setting his book on the side table.

"I don't know. I guess we go to that stupid parent teacher conference. I'm confused about why Colton didn't tell us he was getting picked on in the first place."

"I don't know," Lindsay replied, sliding into bed. "His excuse that he didn't think we would care is just not cutting it for me."

"I thought we'd taught him to use his words."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything in kid world. It bugs me that some jerk is picking on him in the first place."

"I know."

"Did you get picked on at school?"

He just gave her a look and she scooted closer to him, sliding her arm around him.

"I mean really, Adam."

"A little here and there but surprisingly not much more than any other kid. I got teased, but never really maliciously. You?"

"I had three big brothers and I was known to inflict vigilante justice on anyone that deserved it. So no, not until high school."

"My little Calamity Jane."

She snorted and he dropped a kiss into her hair.

"So seriously, what are we supposed to do?"

"I don't know, babe."

"I don't want him to think that he can't stand up for his friends but I don't want him to think that he can only do that by fighting. How do you explain that kind of balance to a kid?"

"I don't know. How did your parents explain it to you?"

"I don't remember. Maybe we should just tell him that he has other options and see what he can come up with on his own."

"That sounds like a good idea. We'll test out the effectiveness tomorrow."

"Okay. Now how about him not telling us stuff?"

Adam sighed again. This was the most difficult parenting thing they'd ever done, not because of the level of stress, but because the way they taught him now would effect his interactions with people for the rest of his life. They didn't want him to be a bully and they didn't want him to be a pushover either.

"That bugs me. He always tells us things. I don't know why he suddenly feels like we wouldn't care."

"I know. I thought we were doing really good, making sure we have special time with all the kids. I guess we were wrong."

She nodded against him, her brain working overtime to try and figure out where she could add extra minutes in the day. She always tried to carve out extra time for Colton because he spent the day at school and she didn't get to see him and spend time with him as often as she did with Ben and Avery. She tried to make sure that the other kids were down for a nap or otherwise occupied with Colton came home, so she could focus on him for a little while.

"Babe?" Adam asked suddenly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Maybe we aren't doing it right. Maybe what we thought he needed isn't what he needed."

"I don't know."

"I don't want him to think we don't care."

"He doesn't think that, honey. He just thinks… I guess he didn't want to bother us."

"He shouldn't be worrying about that. If he has a problem he should always feel like he can tell us about it. I don't want this to happen again with something bigger."

"I know. Look, let's stop worrying about it right now. There's nothing we can do for him tonight and we have two days of suspension that we can use to talk this all out. It's going to be okay, he's a good kid and he's smart and we're not completely stupid about this parenting thing either."

"I just wish…"

"That it was perfect all the time and we never had to worry."

"Yes."

"Keep dreamin' babe."

She chuckled softly and he tipped her chin up to kiss her.

"Either way, we've got a really good kid and even if he didn't do the exact right thing, his heart was in the right place and that's something we can be proud of."

"Okay."

"We're good parents, Linds. You know that, right?"

"I know."

"Good. Now go to sleep. We'll all feel better in the morning."

She nodded and closed her eyes, still feeling like she'd been doing something wrong. There was a little comfort in the idea that even on the days that she wasn't up to par as a parent, Adam still was and their little family would be just fine.


	192. Chapter 192

"No Ben, you don't get to go. You have to stay here with daddy and the baby Aves. Me and mama are having just a day together."

"Wanna go!" Ben protested, putting his shoes on. "Day with mama and Cole and me too!"

"No Ben. You can't come. I done telled you that three times."

"Mama! I wanna go with Cole!"

"Sweetie, not today," Lindsay said, crouching down and sliding his shoes back off. "You and me can have a day to ourselves soon, alright? Pretty soon your sister is going to go down for a nap and then you can have daddy all to yourself."

Ben crossed his arms over his chest, letting his glasses slide down his nose because he knew how sad it made him look.

"Why you love Cole more? Why he get to go and not me? Not fair!"

"Benjamin, you get to spend time with me and daddy when Colton is at school. You get to do that every day. I don't love Colton more than I love you and you know that."

"But mama!"

"What?"

"Wanna go!"

"I'm sorry, Ben. Not today. I will plan a day for just us soon. Deal?"

Ben sighed and stood up from the bottom step, stomping off to hide behind the couch. He knew they were right but his little heart still hurt. He hated being left out. Colton was the oldest and Avery was the baby and he was always forgotten about, unless he was having a nightmare. Then they just wanted to get him back to sleep.

He heard them getting their shoes and coats on, peeked around the corner of the couch and watched Adam kiss them both goodbye. It was really happening. They were really leaving him for a whole day.

A grubby hand appeared on the floor next to his and he looked up, giving his sister a half grin.

"Beb!" she hollered happily. "Pay!"

"I don't wanna play, sissy. I am sad."

She tipped her head to the side and patted his knee then hollered with joy when she found an old pacifier on the floor. She popped it into her mouth then climbed into his lap, resting her head against his chest.

"I love you too, sissy."

He hugged her tightly and she giggled, sucking ferociously on the pacifier. They were trying to break her of the habit and it always excited her when she found one.

"I am a little less sad now. I will play with you. Wanna crawl and race?"

She nodded and they moved from behind the couch and got down on all fours, Ben making racecar sounds.

"Okay sissy. Mark. Set. GO!"

They crawled off quickly, in through the dining room and kitchen and back to the living room. Avery laughed heartily with her tongue hanging out the entire way, her hands slapping down on the hardwood floor.

"Hey, what are you two doing?" Adam asked as they crawled through the second time.

"We's racin' daddy. I'm gonna win sissy."

"Alright, go for it," he chuckled, turning back to the research he was doing on the computer.

"Okay daddy. Sissy, turn on the turbo boosters!"

Avery hooted and crawled after him, determined to at least catch up. They went through three more rounds until Ben stopped and stood up.

"My knees is tired, sissy. How you crawl all day? Stann'up and walk."

She tipped her head to the side and looked at him curiously while he held his hands out for her. She took them and he helped her to her feet, dropping one hand and walking beside her. It took her a while to get her balance and they walked slowly around the room for a moment.

"Now sissy, I gonna drop yours hand. Gonna walk on your own."

She gave him a serious look and he let go of her hand and walked away.

"Okay sissy. Go for the gold."

She whimpered a little and he took one step closer, crouching down a little to look into her eyes.

"I catch you if you fall, sissy Grace," he promised. "Jus' walk."

She took one hesitant step, then another and another, wobbling a little as she followed him.

"Daddy! Sissy's walkin'!"

Adam peeked around the corner and grinned at his toddling daughter. Her face was set in steely determination and she looked so much like Lindsay that he couldn't help laughing.

"Daddy!" she said with a smile, carefully turning in his direction.

"Hey Tink! Are you walkin' like a big girl?"

"Ahhh!" she replied, quickening her steps to reach him. He swung her into his arms and kissed her cheeks while Ben clapped for her.

"She walked, daddy! I help her do walkin'!"

"I know. You're such a good big brother."

"Yep, I am. C'mon sissy, let's go walkin' again. This time fast."

Adam settled her back on her feet and she waddled after Ben, laughing the entire time.

* * *

Lindsay suppressed a smile as she looked over the top of her book at Colton, who was sitting in a chair across from her, reading so intently that a bomb could have gone off and he wouldn't have noticed. He had his feet up in the chair with him, his fingers curled around the chapter book and his mouth silently forming the larger words as he read. He'd been wanting chapter books a lot more lately, and hardly ever asked them for help. He was partway through a Hardy Boys book that he'd left at home, but she was afraid they were going to have to buy the book he had in his hands now too. He found most of the books at school to be boring, though he would read them to Ben every night. What they'd told him so long about learning to read so he could go on adventures had really stuck with him, and he was reading at a level way beyond what most kids were even interested in. She was proud of him, but she was worried he might get bored in class and start causing trouble. He was excelling in math as well, but writing was his hang up. He hated book reports even if it had been the best book he'd ever read. His handwriting was terrible and he often got worse marks on assignments because what he wrote couldn't be read.

"Hey mama?" he asked suddenly, sliding off his chair. "What is this word?"

"Population."

"I know how it sounds. What does it mean?"

"Population is the number of people living in a specific area. Like the population in our house is five."

"Nu-uh. It's seven. You forgot Chewy and Qwerty."

"Oh yes. Seven."

"I get it. Thanks mama."

"Hey, do you want to stop reading for a bit?"

"Let me finish my chapter."

She chuckled as he climbed back into his chair, burying his nose in the book again. The bookstore had been her idea, but he'd requested the one that served coffee and had board games too. He'd ordered a hot chocolate but it sat next to him nearly untouched for as caught up as he was in the world of fiction. Lindsay's coffee was long gone and her book was halfway finished, so she couldn't blame his literary fervor without scoffing at her own.

He'd chattered all the way to the bookstore telling her about things at school and how he and Isa wanted to do something for the talent show but they couldn't come up with anything that they actually knew how to do. She'd suggested another dramatic reading of _The Night Before Christmas_ like they'd done at Mac and Jo's on Christmas Eve, but he'd just given her a look that said he wasn't amused.

"Okay, I can stop. Can we play a game?"

"Sure, go pick one out."

He walked over to the bookshelf and spent a few moments looking at all the games before picking one and running back over to her with it.

"Here. I get to be the banker."

"Alright," she chuckled, setting the game board up. He organized all the money and handed her a small stack then triple counted his own. She let him roll first and within minutes he was sucked into the game, probably planning strategies for buying property and putting houses on it.

"Hey buddy?"

"Uh-huh?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Uh-huh."

She rolled the dice and moved her marker before she spoke.

"How come you didn't tell me and daddy that you were getting picked on at school?"

He shrugged.

"Not important to life, mama."

"What makes you think that?"

"Someday I will never see him anymore. I should not worry about it now."

"But honey, if he's hurting you then-"

"It's okay, mama."

"No Colton, it's not."

He looked up at her, his eyes narrowed just slightly.

"If he gets in trouble he is gonna beat me up. That's what he said. And if he beats me up, then who will protect Isa? I can't tell. I let it slip on accident. You can't tell no one, okay?"

"Honey-"

"No mama. You can't. He will kill me until I am dead."

"Colton, you listen to me. If someone is hurting you, I want you to tell. No matter who it is and no matter what they said to you. If it's another kid or a grown up, I want you to tell me and daddy right away. Sometimes when people hurt other people they threaten to hurt them more if they tell. That's a lie, okay? If you tell, daddy and I can keep it from happening ever again."

"Mama, you don't have to be in school with him! He is a real big mean kid! If you tell the teacher and the teacher tells his mama and daddy and then he gets in trouble, he will make my life a nightmare!"

"If someone was hurting Isa, would you tell us?"

"Yes."

"Then why won't you tell for yourself?"

He looked down and a tear splashed onto the game board.

"I want you and daddy to see me bein' brave. I didn't wanna be a wuss! I wanted you to be proud of me!"

"Oh Colton. Daddy and I are always proud of you. But you have to tell us things like this right away. That's part of being brave, asking for help when you need it."

"I didn't know that."

"Well now you know it."

He looked up at her and sighed, walking over to her and climbing into her lap.

"Mama, Zach is really mean. He hurts me on the playground every day. He calls me mean names. He says I am stupid. He teases Isa for bein' a girl and likin' boy games. He calls her dumb. He said somethin' mean to her and she cried."

"She cried?"

"Yes. It was really, really, really mean, mama. She cried mad tears and I hugged her so the angry would go away. She was gonna hurt him back but then recess was over."

"Why did he start picking on you two?"

"Because I am a shorty and Isa is my best friend and boys and girls is not supposed to play together. That's the rules when you're a kid."

"No, that's not the rules, Colton. You can play with whoever you want to play with."

"Well he thinks they are the rules and he is the biggest kid so those are the rules."

"Oh, so whoever is the biggest gets to do whatever they want and you have to just deal with it?"

"Yeah. Isn't that how it works? You gotta do whatever the boss says?"

"Not if the boss tells me to do something wrong. Not if the boss is hurting me."

"If Mac was mean to you, what would you do?"

"Mac doesn't have the ability to be mean. But if he was I think I would tell him he was being mean and he needs to stop it."

"What if he didn't?"

"I would tell daddy."

"What if he was still mean, mama?"

"Then we would have to talk to him and his boss at the same time."

"So I gotta find a bigger bully than Zach?"

"No. When he picks on you and Isa, you need to go find a teacher."

"And they will fix it?"

"I hope so. Sometimes teachers think you're tattling or they just don't want to deal with it. Keep trying, okay?"

He nodded and sighed heavily.

"First grade is so much hard work, mama. And that's just recess time."

"I know, honey," she said, hugging him tightly. "You just keep doing what you know is right, okay?"

He nodded against her and she kissed the top of his head, amazed that her little boy was growing up so fast and so well.

"All the other kids think I am a bad kid because I got suspendered."

"Suspended," she corrected. "It doesn't matter what they think. You did what you believed was right."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No, Colton. Daddy isn't either. I wish there had been another option but we understand that you two couldn't think of one and you were trying to protect each other. We're very proud of you for that, because that's something we've wanted to teach you your whole life. You stick up for the people you love."

"If Zach hurts Isa's feelin's again I want to punch his ugly face."

"You might want to, but what will you do instead?"

"I will go find a teacher. But that doesn't mean I stop wantin' to punch him."

"Okay, that's fair."

"What about when Hermione punched Malfoy? Was that right or wrong?"

"Well… You know, Malfoy wasn't hurting her. Even though he's very mean and he calls her names, he wasn't doing anything right then. So punching him was probably not right."

"But she's Hermione! She doesn't do anything wrong!"

"Even the good guys can do wrong things sometimes. That's what makes them humans."

"Then mama, how come I spend all the time tryna be perfect if I don't have to be?"

"Because daddy and I taught you to always do your best and that's what you're trying to do. I don't want you to think that being good isn't worth it. It really is. But it's okay to mess up sometimes. Daddy and I have both messed up in our lives and we wish we hadn't, but it doesn't make us bad people. Okay?"

"I think I understand now."

"Good. So what are you going to do next time you run into trouble on the playground?"

"I am going to tell the mean person it is not right and then I will tell a teacher."

"That sounds like a good plan. Do you know that I love you and I'm very, very proud of you and I think you are going to be a very good man someday?"

"Yeah, I know. That was what I was aimin' for, mama."

* * *

"Howdy-ho, we're home!" Colton hollered as they entered the house later that evening. There was no response and he lifted his eyebrow and gave Lindsay a look.

"I wonder where they are," she said, hanging their coats by the door and putting the shopping bags on the floor.

"Maybe upstairs?"

She nodded and they started up the stairs, peeking into the boys room. Adam, Ben, and Avery were all asleep on Ben's bed, looking like they'd crashed there several hours before. It was dark outside already and there was just starlight streaming through the window.

"They look really peaceful, huh mama?"

"Yeah," she said with a little chuckle. "They do."

"Should we wake 'em up? I wanna give Ben his present."

"Yeah, we should."

She shook Adam's shoulder a bit, smiling at the way his arms tightened around the kids as he woke up.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"You guys been asleep for a while?"

"What time is it?"

"Almost five."

"Yeah, we've been out for a few hours. Did you two just get home?"

"Yeah. I was thinking about dinner. Want to come help me?"

"Sure."

"I will wake the kids up," Colton offered as Adam stood from the bed. "Hey Ben! Hey Aves! Time to wake up now!"

Both kids stirred and rubbed their eyes, disoriented for a few moments.

"Come downstairs so me and mama can show you what we got today."

Ben stood up and followed him while Lindsay lifted Avery into her arms and kissed her cheek.

"Did you miss me today, puddin'?"

"Mama. Hi."

"She walk today," Ben reported as they started down the stairs. "She show ya later."

"Did you really walk today baby?"

Avery nodded proudly and wiggled down to the floor once they were off the stairs. She held her hand out for Ben and he took it until she steadied herself, and then he let her go. She did several shuffling steps across the room, then turned around and gave them a huge smile while she clapped.

"That was twelve steps," Ben reported. "That's the most she done today."

"You've been counting?" Lindsay asked as Avery started back across the room again.

"Yup. I teached her and I coached her."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. C'mon sissy, you could do it, if you put your fat into it!"

Lindsay and Adam both laughed and Avery clapped for herself again, obviously feeling like a big kid now. She was very excited about it, even if her mama was having a lot of mixed emotions at the moment.

"Hey Ben, we brunged you something cool," Colton said, rooting through the bag from the bookstore.

"Really?"

"Yup. We know you like books and dinosaurs so we got you a dinosaur book."

"Oh wow! Can I see?"

"Now Ben," he started, holding the book behind his back. "We are not rewardin' your bad behavior and poutin' from a'fore. We just wanted you to know that we was thinkin' about you and we love you and also this book was on sale."

Ben nodded and Colton handed the book over.

"I looked at it real fast and I could read it to you if you want me to."

"Yes!"

They climbed up onto the couch next to each other and opened the book, immediately shutting the rest of the world out.

"We have some pretty awesome kids, don't we?" Adam asked, hugging Lindsay from behind and resting his chin on her shoulder.

"Yes, we do. I think they take after both of us, but only our good parts."

"All three of them got your stubborn."

"And your ADD."

He chuckled and nuzzled her neck as Avery made her way to the couch, climbing onto it and settling herself into Ben's lap.

"You're heavy, sissy," he commented, adjusting her a little bit while she leaned forward, sucking on her pacifier and staring at the book as if it was the most intense thing she'd ever seen. Colton read the story dramatically, throwing in pauses and high pitched voices so the other kids were totally entranced.

"C'mon, let's go make dinner," Adam whispered after a moment. He pulled her into the kitchen and she smiled, leaning against the counter as he started to pull things out of the fridge.

"So what are you makin' daddy-o?"

"I was thinkin' about the Adam Ross special, with an assortment of cheeses."

She snickered and hopped up to sit on the counter while he put together some grilled cheese sandwiches and got a can of tomato soup out of the pantry.

"So how was your day with Yacko?"

"Good. Sometimes he just talks and talks and talks and other times he's just silent for the longest time. He's hard to figure out. How were Wacko and Dot?"

"They're kind of a strange duo. Ben tries to protect her and teach her things but she's so determined to do it on her own that she pushes him away and then he gets his feelings hurt and he hides behind the couch and she goes over and hugs him and he tries to help her again and… well, there you go."

"Your stubborn comment is not off base."

"Didn't think so. Do you want the sandwich with the cheese tongue?" he asked, pointing his spatula at the sandwich that was spilling cheese over the side.

"Adam, how long have you known me?"

"Over ten years."

"Name a time when I have ever rejected the cheese tongue."

"Never."

"So this question would be?"

"Superfluous."

She nodded and reached out for his hand, tugging him over to her and pressing a lazy kiss to his lips.

"The amount of love I have for you is crazy, ridiculous, and insane."

"Ooh, the trifecta."

She replied with a half giggle, half snort and he smiled, reaching up to tuck her hair behind her ear.

"The amount I love you is astronomical, infinite, and unquantifiable."

"We're so pretentious."

"We could be worse."

"Like what?"

"We could be politicians."

"Touché."

"I missed you today."

"I missed you too."

He grinned and leaned in to kiss her again, smiling when she clutched at his shirt and didn't let him go.

"Babe, dinner's going to burn."

"Hmph," she replied unhappily.

"It's not my fault you always want to make out when there's a burner on."

She gave him a lopsided grin as he moved away to flip the sandwiches over.

"It's not my fault you're irresistible even when there's a fire hazard."

"I can't respond to that, Linds."

She gave him what she thought was a sultry look, but he just laughed.

"You look like your eyebrows are having a seizure."

"Shut up," she giggled, shaking her head. He reached over and squeezed her hand and they fell into comfortable silence, amazed that after all this time it was still a delight to be together, that each day was something new.

"Adam?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Thank you."

He smiled and leaned over to kiss her again. Every day was perfect now, because at the end of every day, they were still together and happier than the day before.


	193. Chapter 193

"Mama!"

Lindsay groaned and rolled over opening her eyes and trying to give Ben a smile.

"Honey, what are you doing?"

"Time to go to the 'quarium?"

"Benjamin, it's five in the morning."

"And?"

She smiled and ran a hand through her hair.

"Honey, it's too early to get up."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Why are you wearing a suit?" she asked, taking in his attire.

"It's a 'portant day."

"Honey, I think you'll be more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt."

"But mama. I wanna look nice. It's our day."

She smiled and played with his tiny hand in the blue light of the dawn.

"Okay sweetie. Want to climb in bed with me for a little while?"

"I can't wrinkle my suit," he answered, patting his tie down and pushing his glasses up.

"Why don't you kick off your shoes and take your jacket off and come have a little rest. If you don't you're going to be tired and cranky by lunch time and then we won't be able to have our whole day."

"Okay mama," he sighed, taking her suggestion before climbing up into the bed. "Why you and daddy sleep touchin'?"

"What do you mean?"

"I sleep in Cole's bed, we not like to touch. Too hot in'nere. I snuggle sissy but she too hot later. Daddy snuggle you all the night long."

"Yeah well I really like snugglin' your mama," Adam said in a gravelly voice that made Lindsay want to tell Ben that he could go and rest in his own bed. "And all you kids have an iron grip on snuggling her most of the time, so I gotta take it where I can get it."

Ben thought about that for a minute, reaching up to play with Adam's wedding ring.

"It not get hot?"

"Well-"

"Adam," Lindsay warned.

"No, it doesn't. Not when you love someone like I love mama."

"Oh, I get it. When you love so hard, nothin' else is bad."

"Yeah, that's right."

"Will I love a girl like that someday? The way you love mama?"

"I hope you do find love like that, buddy. It's the best thing in the world."

"I know 'cuz you two are always smilin'."

Adam tightened his grip on her and she closed her eyes locking this moment so tightly into her heart that nothing could ever take it away.

"Time to get up yet?" Ben asked after a moment of silence. "We go pick up Dunner and go have a day."

"Not yet, honey. When the clock says that it's six, we can get up and start getting ready."

"I taked a shower already."

"You did?"

"Yes. It was cold. I shuvered."

"Shivered?"

"Yes. Like snow in there."

"Honey, why didn't you turn the water warmer?"

"Not know how. Thought the hot water was sleepin' still."

"Ben you are one of the coolest kids ever."

"I know that, daddy. It because I try to be like you."

Lindsay snickered and kissed the top of Ben's head, noting that his hair was still a little damp and worrying that his early morning shower might turn into a cold later. He rolled over and smiled at her, reaching up to run his finger over her lips.

"I love you mama. Happy we gonna have a day together."

"I'm happy too."

"Where sissy gonna go?"

"We're going to trade sissy for Junior for the day."

"Oh, she go with Austin. Cole and Isa and Sarah in school?"

"No, Sarah doesn't have school this morning."

"Sissy and Sarah play. Me and Dunner play. Cole and Isa school. That how it works."

"Yes. Now close your eyes and rest a little more, okay? You were up for an hour last night and you're going to be very tired later."

"Okay. I'll close my eyes now."

She rubbed his back gently as he fell into sleep. The nightmares had stopped for a few weeks around Christmas time, but then they'd started up again. She was wondering if it had something to do with the weather, that it got darker earlier or something, and she was hoping that the closer they got to spring, the less he would have them. He didn't wake up as frantic as he used to, but he was more willing to talk about it now which meant they were up for a lot longer. He took marathon naps in the afternoon to make up for it and they were really just trying to go day by day at this point and make sure he was healthy and happy. As long as that was happening they weren't going to stress out about the nightmares.

"You'd better go back to sleep too, babe," Adam suggested. "You're spending the day with two little boys who communicate telepathically."

"Yes, but they both love me dearly and would never drive me crazy if they could help it."

"Whatever..."

* * *

"Binyin!"

"Dunner!"

They crashed into each other with hugs and excited chatter while Austin giggled at Ben's outfit.

"Should I have put Daniel in something a little nicer?" she asked.

"No, Ben is just weird. He's been up for hours, running around the house, counting up as high as he can, looking at the aquarium website and asking me about a million times when we're leaving."

"Daniel's been doing the same thing. We should have let them Skype or something."

"That would have been a good idea, why didn't you have it yesterday?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, turning her attention to Avery. "Hey sweetie girl. Are you going to come see me or are you attached to your mama today?"

"Mama," she answered, burying her face in Lindsay's neck.

"Don't you want to stay here and play with Sarah?"

Avery whimpered and held on tighter while Lindsay tried to pry her off.

"Honey, mama won't be gone for long," Lindsay soothed. "Stay here and play with Sarah and Austin, okay?"

"No!"

"Mama, she not comin' with us!" Ben said, crossing his arms. "Not fair!"

"She's not coming with us, Ben, I promise."

"Averylin, I got a tea set, wanna see?" Sarah asked, tipping her head to the side and holding out her hand. "It's pink and purple."

Avery glanced down at her and sniffled, then nodded as Lindsay lowered her to the floor.

"Bye baby."

"Bye mama."

"Be good."

The girls moved to the other side of the room where Sarah had her tea cups set up on a small card table.

"She'll be okay, Linds. Go, before the boys declare mutiny and wander off by themselves."

"Alright. Cheng, Eng, are you two ready?"

"Yep!"

"Binyin, why your mama always calls us other names?"

"I dunno," Ben answered with a shrug before picking Junior's coat up off the floor. "Here. Put this on."

Junior took it from him and put it on and they each grabbed onto one of Lindsay's hands, pulling her out the door.

"Boys, slow down. The aquarium will be there all day long."

"But feedin' time, mama!"

"Oh yes, feeding time."

"Hurry up Aunt Lin!" Junior sighed, hitting the door close button on the elevator. "Can't miss nothing."

"Alright, alright," she chuckled. This was shaping up to be a very long day, but she was going to enjoy every second of it.

* * *

"Mama, why that opatus got a log?"

"The octopus has a log because they put his food in there and he has to figure out how to get it out."

"Why?"

"Because in the wild all the animals have to figure out how to get their food, and they need to do that at the zoo too."

"Binyin lookit, it's changin' colors!"

The boys pressed their faces as close to the tank as they could, staring in at the octopus that seemed so other-worldly. They stood there entranced for a good ten minutes before asking to move on to the shark tanks. She held their hands tightly as they made their way through the crowds, and they kept a good speed up, sticking as close to her as they could. They finally made it to the shark tanks and the boys were pleased to find that the turtles were in the same tank. They held hands as they stood by the glass, pointing out the different things in the tank, and making up names for things they didn't know. Sometimes they didn't speak at all, one would point and the other would nod in understanding. She marveled at their communication skills, smiling at the memory of when she'd first noticed it, when they were just a few weeks old. They'd both been laying on a blanket on the floor, heads turned to the side as they stared at each other. They gurgled and cooed quietly, not taking their eyes off the other baby. It had been like that ever since, especially before they were verbal. Lots of time spent just looking at each other, seeing if one could do things that the other had accomplished already. She remembered them hugging each other and crying when they were separated. They never fought, weren't competitive with each other, and she knew that their friendship would probably last their entire lives.

"That shark's eyeball is lookin' at me!" Junior announced. "Watchin' where I go!"

"He wants to gobble ya," Ben replied. "Shark bait, ooh ha, ha!"

Junior chuckled and shook his head.

"Aunt Lin, what's your favorite in here?"

"I like those ugly fish over there," she replied, bugging her eyes out and making a fishy face before she leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"Hey mama, fishy kiss me too!"

She smiled and obliged.

"Are you boys ready for lunch?"

They both shook their heads and she sighed. They'd already been here for over an hour and while she was glad they were this occupied, she would have liked to sit down for a few minutes.

"Hey Binyin. I didn't knowed you was wearing your flashin' shoes."

"Yup. They was all I finded in the dark," Ben replied, stomping his foot to set off the lights in his shoe. "Daddy buyed them for me at the computer. They from the 90's."

"Oh, wow!" Junior said, his voice one of awe. "They are from a long, long time ago."

"In a glassery far, far away."

Within seconds they'd transformed their arms into light sabers and were whooshing around loudly. Lindsay grabbed both of them gently and shushed them.

"Boys, a Jedi never displays his light saber in public. He uses the force."

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Don't tell daddy."

"Okay, I won't."

"Shark," Ben said softly, waving his arm in front of the glass. "You will swim now. I am not the droid you is lookin' for."

"Me either," Junior whispered. "Your food is thattaway."

Lindsay chuckled and pulled them both into her arms.

"Oh, what would my life be like without you two?"

"Borin' aunt Lin. Real borin'."

* * *

"I'm gonna play on slide," Ben said excitedly as Lindsay leaned down to tie his shoe. "And swings. And that tater-tot!"

"You mean the teeter totter, honey?"

"Yeah. What you gonna do, Dunner?"

"I gonna be a helitoptacer."

"A dinosaur?"

"No Binyin! A helitoptacer! It flies!"

"Oh, a hoclitoctor."

"Helicopter," Lindsay corrected with a grin, grabbing Junior so she could button up his coat.

"Yeah, that. What are you going to do, Aunt Lin?"

"I think I am going to sit my tired self down on this bench for a little while."

"Grown ups is boring."

"Thanks guy."

The boys ran off to the playground and she sat down, taking a deep breath. She loved them and she loved how well they got along, but they were exhausting. They'd been very good, and she'd never had to remind them to hold hands or to talk in lower voices or anything. But for some reason she felt in need of a very long nap.

Junior knelt down on the ground and picked up two handfuls of pine needles then put one in each hand then started to spin around in a circle, making buzzing noises. She wasn't sure how that was a helicopter, but if that's what he thought he was, that's what he was. Ben had started to climb up the slide but suddenly stopped and jumped down, his shoes lighting up when they hit the bark chips. Lindsay wondered what had made him stop, but then she saw two little girls playing on the tire swing.

"Hi, I'm Ben. I'm four," Ben announced as he walked over and stuck his hand out. This was not normal behavior for him and she sat there intrigued and amused. "That is Dunner. Wanna play with us?"

The girls just looked at him for a minute, then got off the tire swing, walking away, while Junior continued to spin in a circle, oblivious to the fact that Ben was trying to procure them some kind of preschool double date.

"You wanna play on the slide with me? Girls?"

They continued to walk away and he chased after them, begging to play. It wasn't until they were obviously heading back home that he pulled out his wild card.

"But I'm four!" he hollered after them. "I'm Four! I'M FOUR!"

Lindsay didn't want to laugh at him but she couldn't help seeing Adam as a child and she snickered a little. Ben bowed his head in defeat and walked back over to her quietly.

"Honey, what happened?"

"I just wanted to play with them girls," he sighed. "I even telled them I am four."

"I know, sweetie."

"I was just tryna fall in love like you and daddy."

"Oh Benjamin," she chuckled, pulling him into her lap. "You don't need to fall in love now. It will happen when you are a little older. You will find someone that you love with all your heart and the best part of it is that it will take you by surprise. You won't even be looking for it, someday it will just happen."

"What I do to kill time?"

"You just keep being the best Benjamin Ross in the whole world, just like you already do now. Keep being a good friend and a good brother and someday you will fall in love. Don't rush it though, okay?"

He nodded and sighed a little.

"I really thinked one of them girls could be the one, mama."

"Honey, you're going to think that a lot as you grow up."

"Cole knows he gonna marry Isa."

"He just says that because they're best friends."

"I not gonna marry Dunner! His feets smell."

She didn't have an answer for that so she just laughed.

"Ben, I don't know who you're going to marry, but I don't want you to try and figure it out now because you might miss out on the adventure of it. Okay?"

"That make sense. I'm gonna go play with Dunner now."

He slid off her lap and walked over to his friend, who was getting very dizzy and wobbly.

"Binyin. I gotta go potty."

"It's over there."

"I cannot walk."

"I help you, Dunner," Ben said, throwing his arm around Junior's shoulders. They made their way to the small bathroom and stepped inside and Lindsay wondered how long it would be before they figured out they'd gone into the girls bathroom.

It was a while before they emerged again, Junior's face pale and Ben's face terribly worried.

"Mama! Dunner throwed up!"

"What?" she asked, standing up and crossing the grass to meet them. She knelt down and kissed Junior's forehead to gauge his temperature, noting that his skin was clammy.

"He finished goin' potty and then he just throwed up!"

"Honey, are you okay?"

"My tummy hurts from spinnin'," he whispered. "I don't wanna be a helitoptacer no more."

"Okay. Should we take you home so you can rest a little?"

"No aunt Lin. I don't wanna go home! It's not time yet!"

"I know sweetie. How does your tummy feel now?"

"Feels rumbly."

She ran her fingers through his blonde hair and sighed. His stomach might just be upset from spinning around, but he was the kid that never got sick and the fact that he didn't feel better after throwing up had her a little worried.

"I know you two aren't going to like this, but I think it's time to go."

"No! Mama you promise a whole day! You sweared!"

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I'll make you a deal though. Once Junior's feeling better, you two can have a sleepover."

"Promise, mama?"

"I promise, Benjamin."

"Well okay. Dunner I not want you get sicker."

Junior nodded slowly, his eyes on the ground.

"I sorry, Binyin. I wreck your day."

"Nu-uh! We goed to the 'quarium and had hot dogs for lunch and played at the park a little. If you not get sick, we not get a sleepover later. It's okay, Dunner," Ben assured, patting his friends back. "We take you home to your ma."

He nodded and Lindsay picked him up, holding him close. He wrapped his arms and legs around her and sniffled a little against her as they walked to the car.

"Want my ma."

"I know, guy. It will only be a few minutes. Do you feel like you need to be sick again?"

He nodded as they approached the car and she reached into the pocket on the back of the seat, producing a plastic grocery sack. After checking to make sure there were no holes in it, she buckled him into the booster seat and handed him the bag.

"If your tummy feels sick again you can throw up in the bag, no harm no foul. Okay?"

He nodded and held the bag open, staring into it while Ben climbed into his own seat and buckled himself in.

"Dunner one time Cole done that too, pukin' in a bag. Nothin' to be 'shamed of."

Junior just nodded as Lindsay started the car and they drove the few blocks from the park to the Messers. The drive passed without incident and Ben climbed out of the car while Lindsay helped Junior.

"I did not throw up in the bag," he reported. "But I am gonna now."

He opened the bag and threw up and Ben stared at him half in disgust, half in shock.

"I am done now."

He threw the plastic bag in the garbage can on the sidewalk, then held his hands out to Lindsay until she picked him up.

"Okay, let's go inside."

Ben led the way and they went inside the building, then got on the elevator. Junior kept his head buried against Lindsay's shoulder, not even budging when they walked through the front door.

"What happened?" Austin asked, alarmed at seeing her son so limp.

"He's not feeling well."

"Threw up two times," Ben commented. "He needs to lay down."

"Daniel, are you okay?"

"Wanna lay down, ma."

Austin frowned and kissed his forehead before Lindsay walked back into the bedroom and settled Junior under the covers.

"You let me know when you feel better and we'll plan that sleepover, okay?"

"Okay. Love you aunt Lin."

"I love you too, guy."

She brushed his hair back and kissed his cheek before stepping out of the room.

"Does he have a fever?" Austin asked, peeking in at him.

"No. He was spinning around and then he threw up, but he didn't feel better after that, so I'm thinking it might be something else."

"Thanks for bringing him home."

"You're welcome. Where's Avery?"

"Crashed out on the couch. I think she hit a wall in her sugar high. She kept asking for cookies and Sarah kept feeding them to her because "she is just _so_ cute," and she couldn't say no."

"Apparently Adam's not the only one that's been suckered by the face."

"I plead the fifth on that one."

Lindsay chuckled and went into the other room where Avery was sprawled out on the couch, snoring loudly while Ben and Sarah discussed the aquarium visit.

"Is Danny getting Isa today?"

"Nah, Mac is. He's taking her out for ice-cream after school."

"I bet she's thrilled."

"Through the roof."

"Family dinner on Tuesday?"

"We're planning on it. Danny said he would be a little late though."

"That's okay because it's Adam's turn to cook, so Danny might be doing himself a favor if he didn't show up at all."

"Oh, Adam can't be that bad of a cook."

"He's not, he just thinks he is and then he gets all frazzled… well I'm sure you can imagine."

"Oh yeah. I'll let you know if we decide we can't make it."

"Okay. C'mon Ben, let's go home."

He nodded.

"Austin, if Dunner needs me you will call me?"

"Sure, buddy. Thanks for being such a good friend to him."

"He's my best friend."

"I know."

"Okay mama, we can leave. I get sissy."

"No, Ben you know she doesn't like it when you try to pick her up when she's sleeping. I'll get her."

"Lemme kiss her first."

She smiled as he walked over to the couch and kissed his sisters cheek, then stroked her arm before leaning down and whispering something to her.

"What did you say to your sister?" Austin asked as Lindsay picked the baby up off the couch and expertly wrestled her into her coat without waking her.

"I telled her I loved her and missed her today."

"Well that was nice of you. I'm sure she's glad to hear that."

"Yep. I will play with her when she wakes up. She will like that."

Austin smiled and hugged him tightly feeling nearly overwhelmed at his tender heart.

"I'll see you next week, alright buddy?"

"Okay Austin. I love ya."

Lindsay hugged Sarah goodbye then gathered up her own kids and headed out. Ben held her free hand tightly as they made their way out to the car and he waited patiently while she got Avery buckled into her seat.

"Hey mama?"

"Yes Benjamin?"

"Thanks for the 'quarium and the park."

"Thanks for wanting to spend the day together."

He smiled and slid into the car, then wrapped his arm around her neck as she leaned over to buckle him in. He caught her eye and patted her cheek, giving her this certain look, the one that played over her heart as if they had shared a secret.

"I love you, mama."

"I love you too, Benjamin."


	194. Chapter 194

"Hey babe, time to wake up."

"No."

"C'mon. We made you breakfast and there's presents."

"Mmm. Why doesn't Mothers Day ever mean sleeping in?"

"Because you have three kids that made you a mother and are very anxious to tell you how much they love you."

She grinned and opened her eyes, finding all three kids standing next to the bed, their hands behind their backs and smiles on their faces.

"Mornin' mama!" the boys chorused while Avery bounced up and down with a big grin on her face.

"Good morning."

"We maked you breakfast. And got you presents. And we maked something so cool for you too, mama. Wanna see it?"

"Well I would actually like to view the inside of my eyelids for a little while longer, but I guess for you three I can get up."

The kids clambered onto the bed with her and Adam brought breakfast over, two trays piled with enough food for all of them.

"You really think it's wise to let Avery eat in our bed? We're going to have to wash the sheets. Or even burn them."

He gave her a look and she rolled her eyes as the kids dug into the breakfast they'd made.

"This is good sausage daddy, but where is all the bacon you made?"

"Between your mom and your sister, it's gone already."

"I like bacon too," Ben noted with a nod. "Also strawberries."

"I like eggs and pancakes!" Colton added, taking a bit of both.

"And I like mama," Adam said, leaning over to kiss her.

"Why do you guys always do that? You make all excuses to kiss!"

"Yep, and you always complain about it."

"I'm the son, it's my job."

Adam chuckled and grabbed Avery's hand right before she plopped it into a puddle of syrup.

"Daddy," she said, giving him a little pout.

"Your mama's right, this was a bad idea for you," he said, picking her up and putting her in his lap. She grimaced but was consoled with a piece of fruit.

"Mama, we have a lot planned for today," Colton said. "I cannot tell you all of it though. It's a surprise."

"Okay. I like surprises."

"You don't even want to guess?"

"No, daddy went to a lot of trouble to keep it a secret. I don't want to ruin it."

"Wow, you are patient. I was beggin' to know and it's not even my surprise!"

She smiled and ruffled his hair.

"Daddy, can we give her the first surprise now? Please?"

"Why don't you wait until we finish eating?"

"But we waited for weeks!"

"I know that."

"Please daddy? Please?"

"Okay, go get my computer but be really, really careful."

"I will put it in the bag, okay? Be right back."

He hopped off the bed and ran out of the room happily while Ben watched him go.

"Cole got a rip in his jammies. In the butt."

"Thanks for letting me know, buddy."

"He's not wearin' underwears."

Lindsay snickered and shook her head, finding it safer to not question the antics of her first born.

"Ah mama?" Avery said suddenly, her little head tipping in question.

"Yes baby?"

"Ewwie."

"Oh, that's something you need to talk to daddy about."

"Ewwie, daddy. Ewwie."

"Honey, I don't want to change your diaper. It's gross. I'm tired of diapers. Why don't you just start going in the bathroom?"

She sighed and made her eyes round and innocent until he stood up from the bed and took her downstairs.

"I never goed potty in my diaper," Ben said, picking up one of the last strawberries. "I am a big boy."

"Yes, you're a big boy now, but you used to go in your diaper."

"Forget it, mama. I not want to know."

"You are the strangest child I have ever known in my life, Benjamin."

"Yep, that's what I do."

She chuckled and started to clean up the breakfast that Adam had probably spent an hour on, but was gone in just over five minutes. She loved when he made breakfast and even more when it was breakfast in bed, but the cherry on top was all the kids piling in with them. It was the perfect start to what she had a feeling was going to be a great Mother's day.

"I brought daddy's computer," Colton said, hefting it onto the bed. "We made a present for you. It's on there."

"Oh really?"

"Yes, but wait for daddy and the baby Aves."

"Okay."

The boys leaned back against the pillows, both sighing while they waited for Adam and Avery to return.

"Do you like bein' a mama?"

"Of course I do. It's my favorite thing in the whole world."

"What is the best part?"

"There's three best parts. And they're called Colton, Benjamin, and Averylin."

"Hey Cole, that's us!"

"I know Ben! We must be pretty awesome for mama to say we're the favorite thing. I thought it would be the fruit snack taxes she takes when she opens our fruit snacks."

"That be my favorite part if I were a mama," Ben agreed. "I like fruit snacks."

Lindsay chuckled. She could never predict the kinds of things they would say and even if she tried it was never as amusing as what came out of their mouths.

"Okay, Little Miss Poop is all clean," Adam announced as he came into the room with Avery toddling behind him.

"That's funny, daddy. Little Miss Poop. Aves you are Little Miss Poop."

"No! Baby!" Avery protested, frowning at him. "Baby Avee."

"And Little Miss Poop."

"Okay, that's enough of that moniker," Adam said as Lindsay leaned over the bed to lift their pouting daughter into her lap.

"I don't think you're Little Miss Poop, baby. I think you're Little Miss Pretty. How's that?"

Avery grinned and nodded while Ben reached over to hold her hand.

"Okay, are you ready?" Adam asked, opening the laptop and hiding the screen from her so she wouldn't be spoiled.

"Yes, I'm ready."

"Okay, here we go."

He turned the computer around and hit 'play' for the video he'd created. It started with a clip of the kids all sitting on the couch, smiling and waving.

"Happy Mother's Day, mama!" the boys chorused while Avery clapped. The video cut to just Colton, sitting on his bed, deep in thought.

"Colton, what do you like best about your mama?"

"Um, I like that she's pretty and she gives us hugs and kisses all the time. And she makes my lunch for school and draws me cartoons on my napkin. And she loves us and cooks us dinner and cleans our whole house and does the laundry and even scrubs the toilet. And she is always nice to us and she says the truth all the time. And I love when we dance around the house and sing songs and when we watch movies and she does silly jokes and I like how she wakes me up in the morning with hugs and tickling. And I like that my eyes are the same as hers too."

"Is there anything you want to say to her for Mother's day?"

"Yep! Thanks for bein' my mama and takin' care of me so much and always saying how you love me. And I really love you back a lot too and you are the best mama in the whole world and you're the prettiest lady and I think you win all the other mamas in the whole universe!"

"Okay, should we go talk to Ben now?"

"Yup! This is Colton Matthew Ross, signing off. Stay safe out there, folks."

Lindsay chuckled and leaned over to kiss the top of Colton's head.

"I meaned every word, mama."

"Thank you sweetie."

"Shh! My turn," Ben said, pointing at the screen.

"Hey Ben, what are you doing?"

"I just playin' with this," Ben answered, holding up the cookie dropper. "I put it on my toe."

"Remind me to wash that."

"Okay. Wash this, daddy."

"Great, thanks buddy. Hey, remember what we talked about?"

"Yes. For mama's day. You gonna ask me questions?"

"Yeah. What do you love about mama?"

"I love about mama that she 'tect me from bad things. She snuggle me big when I have scary dreams. She read to me a lot. We do puzzles too. I love about mama that I fit in her lap real good and how she always kiss my cheeks. I like how she love me and sissy and Cole as big as the world. I like how she love you too, daddy. And she take care of our pets. And I grow big an' strong 'cuz she feed me good food. I just love mama a lot and a lot and a lot!"

"That's good. Do you want to say anything else to mama?"

"Mama one time when we haved punkins for carvin' I maked a monster, 'member that? It was big and mean but then we throwed him in the trashcan and then he was just a loser."

"I meant did you want to tell mama anything for Mother's day?"

"Yes. It is mama's day later. And I will love you that day and give you smooches an' hold your hand 'cuz I like to. See you later mama, bye!"

The video changed again, this time finding Avery on the couch where she was trying to chew on her foot.

"Hi baby."

"Hi daddy."

"Can you say hi to mama?"

She giggled and waved at the camera.

"Ah! Hi mama."

"Baby, do you love mama?"

She laughed loudly and threw her head back as she clapped.

"Mama! Mama!"

"Can you say I love you mama?"

"Ah luh mama!"

"Can you say happy Mother's day?"

"Hatty mama say!" she repeated, bouncing up and down with a big grin.

"Blow kisses!"

"Mwah!"

The tape cut back to the kids on the couch and they were all grinning from ear to ear.

"We love you mama! Happy Mother's day!"

Lindsay wiped a little tear from her eye as the video ended. She knew she'd be watching it over and over and over probably until the kids were grown up and had babies of their own.

"Did ya like it mama?"

"I loved it."

"Good. Me and Ben, we had to plan out what we was gonna say because it couldn't be just blatherin' words. It had to be special."

"It was very special. It was one of the most special things I've ever gotten."

"We got you more presents. They're down in the kitchen."

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Why don't we all get dressed and then we can go downstairs for more presents?" Adam suggested, taking Avery and lifting her over his head until she giggled.

"Okay daddy. Whatever we wanna wear?"

"Yep, whatever you want to wear. Probably jeans and t-shirts."

"Okay. C'mon Ben, let's go!"

They boys hopped off the bed and ran down to their room while Adam tickled his daughter and kissed her cheek.

"Well baby girl, what say you and I clean up breakfast and get you dressed all cute while mama takes a nice not shower?"

"Ah daddy."

"I think that's a yes, Toothy McSquiggles."

She giggled and bared her few teeth at him while he stood up.

"You madam," he said, pointing at Lindsay. "Should go take a nice shower or a bubble bath with those bubbly things you like and don't worry about the kids or the house for a bit. Okay?"

She nodded and he leaned down to kiss her.

"Happy Mother's day, darling. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"You didn't."

"I did."

"But… it's… do you know how much these cost?" Lindsay asked, staring at the brand new, stainless steel espresso maker that had taken up residence on her counter.

"Yes, of course I know. I've been saving up for a while."

"A while?"

"Since we were dating."

"You what?"

He chuckled at the expression on her face, the raised eyebrows and flushed cheeks and the way her voice went up a few octaves.

"I wanted to get it for you earlier but I wanted to wait until you were done having kids so you could have coffee whenever you wanted."

"Adam… I don't even know how to use this!"

"I'll teach you. Do you like it?"

"I love it. I really, really love it. Can I have coffee now?"

He chuckled and nodded.

"I think we might need to send the kids up to have a nap though," he commented. All three kids had been up since five and were yawning and rubbing their eyes and were just a few minutes away from getting very cranky.

Without much argument they took the kids upstairs and tucked them in, promising it would be just a short nap and they would all have lunch once they woke up. Avery was asleep before her head hit the pillow and the boys weren't too far after her. Lindsay and Adam tiptoed back downstairs into the kitchen where Adam gathered up the espresso beans, the shot glasses and the flavor syrups, then set them on the counter next to the machine.

"So honey, can I ask you a question?"

He nodded and she grabbed one of the syrups, glancing at the ingredients before she spoke.

"How come you can make fancy coffee but your drip coffee sucks so, so bad?"

He chuckled and shook his head.

"I have no clue. Come over here so I can teach you."

"Can I wear an apron?"

He gave her a look and shook his head before explaining all the pieces on the machine. Once she'd learned all the terms, giving him a hard time the entire way, he put the beans into the top of the machine.

"Okay, now you have two options here. You can either tamp your own shot which is my preference, or you can let the machine do it for you."

"We'll have the machine do it for me."

"Okay. Now before we start there is one very important thing when making coffee."

"What's that?"

"You can't let a shot go bad. You have ten seconds to mix it with milk before it gets bitter. So you're going to want to start steaming your milk before you run your espresso. Got it?"

She nodded and he helped her along, steaming the milk until it foamed.

"Okay, now hit the button for the shots. We'll make two shots and I'll let one go bad so I can show you."

She made sure the shot glasses were lined up under the spouts, then set the machine to make two shots. They were ready within seconds and as he poured the first one into the steamed milk, he pointed at the second.

"See how it's changing color? You don't want it to do that. Once it gets too pale when it's flowing you want to pull it off. See how the dark heart of it is rising? You need to get it in the milk before that happens. Once your milk is done steaming you can put in your flavors, but not if it takes too much time and distracts you from pulling the shot."

She nodded slowly and he chuckled, throwing out the bad shot and handing her the latte he'd made.

"There's no syrup or anything in this, it's just the shot, milk foam and regular steamed milk."

"And that makes it…?"

"It's a latte. Now if you want flavorings, you can add that in. Like if I take this peppermint syrup and add that, and then this whipped cream and just a few pinches of crushed peppermint candies…"

She grinned as he spruced up her drink, looking either like a mad scientist or a very serious coffee engineer.

"There, try that."

She took a small sip and let her eyes light up in coffee bliss.

"That's amazing."

"And much cheaper than going out, no?"

"Adam, this is the best present ever! Make me another one?"

He chuckled and stole a sip of her drink, then set it on the counter and pulled her into his arms.

"I love when you teach me stuff," she said with a grin. "Plus you look really hot when you're all knowledgeable and stuff."

He smiled and rested his forehead on hers, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"I can't believe you've been saving up for this so long. Are you for real?"

"Yes I am."

"You're amazing."

"Yes I am."

She smiled and reached up to trace over his lips with her thumb.

"Linds?"

"Hmm?"

"You are the most amazing mother in the world and our kids are so, so lucky."

"Do you really think that?"

"No, I know that. No where in the world could I have found someone as perfect as you to raise our kids. Thank you for everything you do for us, Linds. We'd be lost without you."

She didn't know what to say and her eyes drifted shyly to the ground for a moment. Embarking on motherhood had been terrifying and she knew she was doing well, but she didn't think it deserved all the accolades. And it wasn't just today either, Adam always bragged on her for being a good mother and a good wife and she sometimes wondered if she really measured up. She knew he wouldn't lie to her though, so she was forced to believe that he really thought those things about her.

He leaned down and kissed her slowly and gently, threads of their very first kiss running through it, along with all the strength of their relationship since then. It was powerful in its simplicity and her heart started to pound heavily while he pulled her closer.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too."

He released his tight hold on her and was about to say something else when the doorbell rang.

"You gonna go get that babe?"

"Oh, is it for me?"

He gave her a short nod and she kissed him quickly before going to the door. He stopped what he was doing for a moment just to listen for the squeal of happiness and surprise when the door opened.

He wasn't disappointed.

"Taylor what are you doing here? When did you get here? Why didn't you tell me?"

There was more laughing and squealing and Adam chuckled to himself. It had been Taylor's idea and he was glad she'd suggested it.

"How long are you staying?" Lindsay was asking as she led Taylor and Josh into the kitchen.

"Only until Tuesday, but we figured a short time was better than no time at all."

"Yes it is. Come in, we'll make you coffee."

"Oh, so you're already pimping out my coffee making skills?" Adam asked.

"And you're surprised?"

"Guess not."

* * *

The kids woke up just an hour later, happy and hungry and ready to eat lunch. Adam had picked a seafood place on the beach because the kids had never had it and Lindsay had been asking for it for weeks. Josh and Taylor followed them to the little diner on the beach where they were all served huge portions and stayed for over an hour, as if they didn't have a care in the world. All three kids loved shrimp and fought over the last one until Josh plucked it off the plate and ate it himself, saving the entire group from a meltdown.

The afternoon was warm and breezy as they headed to the park, the place they couldn't stay away from for more than a day. Ben and Colton begged Josh to push them on the swings and he happily obliged, pushing them so high that Lindsay was sure they were going to scream with fright. They didn't though and Avery clapped as she watched her brothers drift higher and higher into the sky.

"Mama! Avee up?"

"No baby, I don't want you to go up that high."

Avery grumped and glanced over at Taylor, her eyes wide.

"Avee up?" she asked hopefully.

"Nope. Listen to your mama."

She was about to throw herself on the ground and have a tantrum when she spotted the Messers on the other side of the playground.

"Ahmin! Hi!" she squealed, pulling herself to her feet and wobbling slowly over to them. Austin scooped her up and kissed her cheeks, then joined Lindsay and Taylor in the grass.

"So why do you think the guys planned this for Mother's day instead of sending us to a spa?" Austin asked, without greeting.

"Because you would never go to the spa?" Taylor said with a chuckle.

"Small technicality."

"Ahmin," Avery interrupted, trying one more time. "Avee up?"

"On the swings? I am betting your mama said no to that. There's no baby seat over there."

"Big!"

"You might be a big girl but not big enough for the swings. Sorry sweetie girl. Out of luck."

Avery frowned and crinkled her nose up while crossing her arms.

"Ah daddy."

"Yeah, go find your daddy, see what he says," Lindsay chuckled, knowing Adam would be even less inclined to put his youngest child on the swings. Avery stood up and walked unsteadily across the grass, wrapping her arms around Adam's leg when she found him. He picked her up and she motioned hopefully to the swings, but he shook his head. Frustrated she shrieked and dropped her head to his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. She wasn't upset about not getting to play on the swings so much as she was upset about being told she was too little to do something.

Adam walked back over to them and held Avery at arms length, silently asking which one of them wanted to take her. They all refused and Avery wailed louder, very upset with her predicament.

"Okay, okay, I'll take her," Lindsay said, reaching up for her daughter. "What a pair of lungs you have my dear."

"Mama Avee big."

"I know honey. You're big, just not big enough."

"Yeah, kiddo," Austin said sweetly. "If we were judging on fat rolls, you would be the first one on the swings."

Avery sniffled and folded her hands in her lap, leaning against her mama unhappily.

"Don't grow up too fast baby. Your time will come," Lindsay assured softly, smoothing Avery's bright red curls back and kissing her forehead. The laughing and teasing continued around her and she sat back, watching every member of her family, seeing how much they all loved each other, observing how happy and comfortable her kids were and knowing down in her very soul that this day was a celebration of the most wonderful things in her life.


	195. Chapter 195

Colton and Isa skipped along happily, chattering to each other and each holding one of Lindsay's hands as they headed for the bus stop. There was about a month left of school and the kids were excited for the summertime, even though they both admitted that they would miss school too. They loved the independence of riding the bus every day, even if there was always someone to take them there and bring them back home.

"Hey Colt, after school do you wanna make a fort?"

"Like what kinda fort?"

"Well remember that big box your daddy brought home? We could maybe make one outta that."

"That's a good idea. We could draw on it too. Sarah could help us with that part. And maybe daddy would cut out doors and a window!"

"That would be so awesome! Do you think we could stick it in a tree like in the movies when they have a tree house and they can sleep in it?"

"We don't got a big enough tree in our yard. We would have to take it to Jo and Mac's house and they probably don't want it in their yard."

"But if they did, we could all hang out in there and Jo could bring us those lemon cookies!"

"Those things are the best! What do you think about our plan mama?" Colton asked, noticing her for the first time.

"I think you two have big plans and I'm glad you're always willing to try things," she answered with a smile. "I don't know how it will work out, but I know that you can at least use the box. That's what daddy got it for anyway."

"Isa, I can't wait until school's over," Colton sighed, spotting the bus coming down the street. "We gotta go, mama."

"Hey, don't run off without hugging me."

They both gave long-suffering sighs and walked back over to her.

"Bye Indy. Take care of my sister and brother today. Don't let Adam feed them all the candy."

"You got it dude. I love you, Isa."

"I love you too."

She scampered off to the bus and Colton held back for just a second, hugging Lindsay as tightly as he could.

"See you in the afternoon, mama."

"I'll be right here. I love you."

"Love you too!"

He hopped onto the big yellow bus right before the doors closed and she smiled to herself as she watched him through the window, sitting down next to Isa and talking animatedly to her, more than likely about their afternoon fort adventure. It seemed that every day she was taken aback at how fast he was growing up. It wasn't that she still felt like he was just a baby, but more that she felt like he was so much older than his years, so much wiser and more considerate than most kids his age. She wanted to say it was good parenting, but she knew that most of it was just him, the little person he was.

She walked back home quickly, not wanting to leave Adam alone with all four kids for too long. It wasn't that he couldn't handle it or that they weren't good kids, she just didn't want him to get run ragged before lunch time. Once she stepped through the door she knew that wouldn't be a problem. Sarah was sitting on the couch with her nose buried in a book while Ben and Junior played with a train set on the floor. Adam was cleaning up the lunch dishes while Avery sat on the floor next to him, pulling all the paper napkins out of the bag and tossing them to the floor. It could have been worse, really.

"Averylin, what are you doing?"

"Coley?"

"Colton's at school. Do you want to go grocery shopping with me?"

"Ah, mama, so."

"Should we take Sarah with us too?"

"Sayuh!"

"Yeah, I think maybe we'll go to the big store today. You need some new shoes, missy."

"Soos!"

"Yep. Let's pick up those napkins now."

Avery frowned as she watched the napkins go up onto the counter, but soon forgot about them as Lindsay lifted her up from the floor.

"Honey, are you going to be fine with the boys?"

"Yeah, go ahead. We won't make any messes, I promise."

She chuckled and found Avery's coat before poking her head into the other room.

"Sarahlove, you want to go shopping?"

"Okay!" Sarah agreed, jumping off the couch and grabbing her jacket. "Can I put the food on the rolly runway?"

"Sure you can. And you can help me pick out something for family dinner tonight."

"Okay. Could we get hot chocolate too?"

"I think we can. Just don't tell the boys."

"It's a secret!" Sarah said with a nod. "Zippin' my lips up real tight like daddy does."

"When does daddy do that?"

"When he's 'bout to take the last word from my ma."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"That sounds about right."

"My daddy is smart like that."

"Yes he is. They call it survival instincts."

"Yep," Sarah agreed, buttoning up her light jacket. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, let's head out before the boys think they need to come."

Sarah giggled as they went out the back door and Lindsay buckled her into Ben's carseat. Avery squealed as she was placed next to Sarah, delighted because she always had to ride next to her brothers.

"Hi Averylin. I like how your hair is today. It's getting longish. And I like those little bows in it."

Avery smiled and nodded her head in agreement.

"Pitty," she said softly, reaching out for a lock of Sarah's blonde hair. "Sayuh."

"Thank you. You are pretty too. I like when you wrinkle up your nose like your mama does. It's cute."

"Mama! Avee cude!"

"Yeah, I know you are," Lindsay chuckled. "Did you tell Sarah thank you?"

"Sank sa Sayuh."

"You are welcome, Averylin. You are my best friend, remember? Ever since you were in your mama's belly."

"Bes' fen'," Avery repeated solemnly. "Love."

"I love you too," Sarah said softly, taking Avery's hand. "I'll be your best friend forever. Just like our mamas are."

"Mama. Ahmin."

"Yep. Except we won't be crazy. Because they are crazy, Averylin. They laugh from nothing at all. But they give lots of hugs to each other. I will give lots of hugs to you like that when we are old ladies too."

Lindsay chuckled at that, looking back in the rearview mirror at the way Sarah spoke so seriously and Avery listened as if it was the most important thing in the world. Life would change and all the kids would probably move on from each other, but there would always been that permanent, deep devotion and bond, and nothing could ever break it.

* * *

Loud laughter from the other room startled Lindsay so badly, she almost dropped the picture frame she'd been trying to hang on the wall. She climbed off of the couch and took a deep breath, walking into the other room where Adam was on the computer.

"What in the world could be that funny?" she asked skeptically, one hand on her hip.

"I was trying to clean up files on the computer," Adam started, catching his breath. "And I was going through all the pictures. And I found this one from when you took the boys to the zoo. And there's a picture of a seal that looks just like Ben!"

"Our son doesn't look like a seal!"

"No, the seal looks like him!" Adam corrected. "Look!"

Rolling her eyes, she looked down at the picture he indicated and chuckled. The seal was looking over its shoulder at the camera, making the same face that Ben always made when they called his name.

"Okay, it does look like him."

"It's even funnier when you say it like Junior does. Binyin."

She snorted and shook her head. Adam found deep amusement in the strangest things.

"And it's even better when you scroll back to this picture from earlier of Ben making that face."

"Oh my word, Adam," she laughed, shaking her head. "You are so odd."

"Yeah, I know."

She smiled and kissed the top of his head before she went back out to the other room, surprised all four kids were still napping. Sarah had fallen asleep right after lunch, insisting that she was only "just a tiny piece tired," and if she could lay down for just a quick second, she would be okay. Ben and Junior had been persuaded to take a nap with the promise that they would be woken up in time for dinner. Avery hadn't been so easy and she'd whined and cried for a good ten minutes before they just left her in her crib to pout. Within minutes she'd been asleep and Lindsay figured it was a good time to hang up the pictures that she'd been planning to put on the wall. They'd all been taken at the park on Mother's day, impromptu family pictures full of sunshine and laughter and grass-stained knees. The picture of all ten of them was so perfect and fitting that it had earned the right to be printed on canvas and hung up over the couch. All the rest surrounded it and once she finished, she stepped back to admire the entire wall. She'd probably switch out pictures here and there, but she was happy with how it was for now.

The pictures in the dining room were almost a year old and the last pictures they'd all taken together. A messy paint fight in the backyard, all six kids covered in paint from head to toe while their parents tried to get in on the fun without getting too messy themselves. The colors fit perfectly into the dining room and these pictures fit perfectly out here.

She was about to get back on the couch and adjust one of the frames just a little bit, but the clock caught her eye and she realized she was running late picking the kids up at the bus stop. She grabbed a light jacket as the day had turned a little darker, shouted to Adam where she was going, then headed out the front door. She wasn't too late yet and the kids often took their time getting off the bus, rarely meeting her halfway at the corner like they were supposed to.

The wind picked up and she pulled her jacket tighter around her, trying to remember if Colton had put his coat on this morning like she'd asked. It was always hard getting out the door in the morning, and it was especially hard for those last few minutes after Austin and Danny dropped their kids off and suddenly everyone was needing more breakfast or a story read to them or a movie put in the player. It wasn't bad and she wouldn't trade those mornings for anything, it just often left her wondering if she'd remembered everything.

"Indy!" Isa shouted, tearing around the corner and almost knocking her over. She was sobbing near hysterically, and Lindsay crouched down and drew her close, kissing her forehead and trying to calm her.

"Baby, what's the matter? Did you and Colton have another fight?"

"No!"

"What's the matter?"

"He's gone!"

"What? Who's gone?"

"Colt! The man grabbed him and took him away and I tried to hold on-"

"Who took him?"

"I don't know, I don't know! He was in a truck and he got out and he grabbed Colt and Colt screamed and I holded on and he pushed me down and he threw Colt in the truck and he drove away! He's gone, he's gone!"

Panic rose in her throat as her hand clamped around Isa's and she drug her down the street to the bus stop. Colton wasn't there. No one was there. It felt like someone had poured fresh asphalt down her throat and she could hardly move or breathe or think, much less remember what she was supposed to do at a time like this. Slowly, she crouched down, gently framing Isa's face with her hands, making the scared little girl look into her eyes.

"Isabeth, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Exactly, baby."

"We got off the bus," Isa started, calming down a little now that she wasn't alone. "We were walkin' and this big red truck drove up and… there was one tire on the sidewalk, Indy! He drove up on the sidewalk and he stopped his truck and he ran around and he grabbed Colt's arm. And he said for Colt to come with him. And Colt screamed and I grabbed his other arm really tight and the man pulled him and I pulled back and Colt was cryin' and the man shoved me and I fell and I accidentally let him go. It was an accident! I didn't mean to. It's my fault, I shoulda held on more!"

"No baby, no. It's not your fault," Lindsay assured, trying to calm Isa and figure out what to do next. Everything felt like slow motion as she scooped Isa up and went back to the house. Her chest was pounding in fright and she could barely hang on as they made their way through the front door.

"Adam!"

"What? What's the matter?" he asked, knowing by the tone of her voice that something was terribly wrong.

"Colton's gone."

"What?"

"Someone took him!" Isa said, a fresh batch of tears starting. "A man in a truck!"

Adam didn't ask any more questions, just went for the phone while Lindsay sunk down on the couch, not sure if she could breathe, much less if she should.

"I think I hurt Colt, Indy," Isa said, holding up her hand and showing her the small amount of blood under the nails. "I'm sorry. I tried hard."

"I know you did, baby. I know."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No. You did a good job sweetie. Just… don't worry, okay? We'll find him. Just don't forget anything okay?"

"I won't forget, I promise. Daddy and ma say to always remember exactly what happens in crimes because it helps the police better."

"Mac's coming," Adam said, pacing and watching out the front windows. "Isa, do you remember what the truck looked like?"

"It was red. It had silver on it."

"Was there anyone else in the truck?"

"No."

"Did the man say anything to you?"

"No, he just told Colt to get in the truck. He was scary and he had kind of a moustache, or like a Santa beard sorta. Colt was cryin' and he said no and leave me alone. But the man wouldn't. My wrist hurts. I landed on it. Is Colt gonna be okay?"

Lindsay was silent and just held onto her, trying not to let her mind run into all the horrible scenarios. He could be hurt or dead already. He might be somewhere that they would never find him. What if he was taken overseas? What if he was hidden in plain sight? What if they never found him? She was practically choking on fear and it seemed like years before the front door opened and Mac, Jo, Flack and Jess came inside, along with a few other cops who after a moment went down to the bus stop with Flack.

Questions swirled around so fast she could barely answer them. Her hands shook as Isa told the story again, taking her time and being as specific as she could. Lindsay would have been proud of her if she could have even thought about that, but it was just like it was after the diner. Nothing was making sense. Everything was garbled in meaning but clear in volume and she just wanted it all to stop so she could think. She felt like no one knew what they were doing, like she had to be the one to fix it all because they didn't know how she felt. Suddenly she didn't trust anyone.

"Sweetheart, let's go over here so Jess can talk to Lindsay, okay?" Jo suggested softly.

"No, no!" Isa shouted, suddenly panicked wrapping her arms around Lindsay tightly.

"Isa-"

"No please don't take me away."

"Okay. I won't sweetheart. You can stay here with Lindsay."

By this time the other kids had started to filter in, all of them asking what was wrong. Ben snuggled up next to Lindsay and twirled his fingers through her hair.

"Mama, what's a'matter?"

"Coley?" Avery chirped, looking around the room and finding that her big brother was nowhere in sight. "Coley mama? Daddy, Coley?"

"Auntie, what happened?" Sarah asked softly. "Isa, what's goin' on?"

"Colt got taked!" Isa said, hiding her face against Lindsay's chest and starting to cry again.

"Kids, let's go play," Jo suggested, holding her hands out for the kids. Avery took her hand after a second and Sarah and Junior waited for Ben before they followed. As much as Lindsay wanted to keep all the kids next to her right now, she knew it was probably better if they weren't there for everything.

Isa sniffled and slid her thumb into her mouth, turning herself so she was cradled like a baby in Lindsay's arms. She was never like this, never so scared, never so immobile and Lindsay held her tighter, needing her to know that it was going to be okay, needing to hold onto her because Isa was the most fresh connection she had with Colton at the moment and she needed to keep that close to her.

"Isa I need you to do something very important," Jess said, pulling a sketch pad out of her coat pocket. "It's going to be hard work, but I really need your help, okay?"

"Okay."

"I need you to tell me everything you remember about the man who took Colton. Tell me exactly what he looked like and I'm going to draw a picture of what you tell me."

Isa nodded and sat up a little, rubbing her eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Do you remember if he was skinny or fat?"

"Um, kinda fat but not like Mr. Gregg at school. He was like um… he wasn't chubby, he was just big. He was tall like Papaw, but not like Flack."

"What did his face look like sweetie?"

"He had a beard. It was kinda longish and gray, but not longish like Dumbledore. His skin was wet too. And um, his nose, it was skinny and he had blue eyes."

"What else do you remember?"

"He was stinky and his hands were dirty. And his teeth were yellow. They were really yellow Jess, and one of them poked out."

They continued for a while longer, Isa trying so hard to remember things that she started to get frustrated.

"It's okay baby," Lindsay comforted, brushing her hair back. "You're doing such a good job, I'm so proud of you."

"I don't remember any more."

"It's okay. You remembered a lot," Jess assured. "I think I have enough to finish this sketch and then you can tell me if it's right or not, okay?"

"Okay."

They settled back into the couch and Isa sniffled a few more times. Every time she closed her eyes she saw it all again, that mean face, the red of the truck, the tears in Colton's eyes. She didn't want to close her eyes or ever sleep again. She just wanted her best friend back. She wasn't naïve, she knew what could happen to kids who were taken away. She knew what to do when someone grabbed you like that, but she didn't know what she was supposed to do when someone grabbed her friend. She'd wanted to scream but she didn't even think about that until the truck had roared away and she realized that Colton really was inside. She kind of remembered him hitting the window, trying to get out, but she remembered that in a different car, so she knew it was something she'd seen on TV rather than in real life. The windows in the truck were dark. The privacy kind so no one could see what you were doing in your car. She wasn't even sure if Colton had a booster seat in there like he was supposed to. And now she was worried about a car accident too.

Adam sat down next to them and pulled Lindsay into his arms and brushed the tear tracks off of Isa's face. That made her feel a little better and a little less scared, but her heart was still thumping in her chest.

"Princess are you hurt anywhere?" he asked softly, staring deep into her eyes.

"Just my wrist," she said bravely, wanting to say that her whole heart was hurting, but not really knowing just how to word that.

Gently he rubbed over her skin, noting that it was already swelling a bit and would probably continue if they didn't put ice on it. She might need to be checked out by a doctor as well, but for the moment he took comfort in the fact that it wasn't bothering her too much.

"Anywhere else?"

"No. Just from fallin' down."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

He went into the kitchen and got a bag of ice and a towel, then brought it back out to her and settled it gently on her wrist. She sniffled a little and took a deep breath, for the first time wishing for her parents because as much as she loved Lindsay and Adam, it just wasn't the same as kisses from her ma and strong hugs from her dad. She started to cry again, feeling like a baby for doing so but also not caring in the slightest.

Lindsay rocked her back and forth, shushing and soothing her like she'd done so many, many times before. Isa cried for several minutes before she noticed that Lindsay was crying too. Carefully she reached up and wiped the tears off of Lindsay's face, trying to be as brave as she could.

"Indy, they will get Colt back. I just know it. Papaw is here and Flack too. He will come home soon. They will find him and he will be safe."

"I hope so, sweetie."

"I still need him around. He is my best friend. And you need him too because he is your Colton. And the other kids need him because he is the oldest and he takes care of all of us. He can't be gone when we still need him. So he has to come back, okay?"

"Okay, sweetie," Lindsay replied, not sure what else to say.

"Isa, can you sit up a minute so I can show this to you?" Jess asked gently, once her sketch was complete. "Is this the man you saw?"

Isa gulped and nodded vigorously while Adam and Lindsay stared at the drawing in shock.

"Adam… that's…."

"That's my father."


	196. Chapter 196

Lindsay wasn't sure if knowing that Adam's father had Colton made her feel better or worse. On the one hand there was a lot more to go on, the motivation was quite obvious, and she was certain that Colton wasn't in mortal danger. On the other hand, she didn't know if Tim had taken him for the long term as an act of revenge, or if it was for the short term, as a cry for attention. He was under a lot of stress now, she was sure, and with his history, he was very likely to lash out. She prayed that he wouldn't take it out on Colton, for if he did, she would have to kill the man with her bare hands.

Adam sat quietly beside her, cracking his knuckles over and over again. She could tell he felt guilty and for a moment she was able to channel her anger and fear into helping him. He had to see that this wasn't his fault. Gently, she rested her hand against his, willing him to stop his actions and look at her.

"We'll find him," she whispered. He nodded and squeezed her hand, hoping for sooner rather than later. He knew of the absolute terror his father could inflict and he couldn't imagine his son going through something so horrible. His stomach was in knots and he wanted to vomit at the thought of it all, but he knew he had to hold it together. Right at this moment, he needed to call his brother to see if he knew of their father's whereabouts. Carefully he stood up from the couch and grabbed the phone, letting Mac know what he was doing.

"Indy?" Isa said, her throat scratchy from crying. "That man was Adam's daddy? But that means he's Colt's grandpa! And Colt says his grandpa is nice!"

"It's hard to explain, sweetie. Colton's grandpa Dave is Adam's step-dad. The man that you saw is Adam's real father, but he is a very, very mean man."

"Mean how, Indy?"

Lindsay sighed, not sure how to explain it, not even sure if she should. It wasn't something a little girl needed to hear, but at the same time, she knew she couldn't lie about it either.

"He was… he used to hurt Adam. When he was a little boy."

"You mean like he spanked him?"

"No. He would hurt him a lot, honey."

"Like punching?"

"Sometimes punching. Sometimes worse than that."

"But why?"

"There are some people in this world that don't think that's wrong, Isa."

"But… why? It's not right! A grown up cannot hit a little kid! It's so wrong!"

"I know, honey."

"What happened to Adam?"

"Well eventually he and his mom left and never looked back. But his father says he's sorry and he wants to be part of Adam's life again."

"I would not forgive him. What he did was too bad."

"I know."

Isa sniffled again and took a deep breath.

"If that guy took Colt, can't we just go to his house and get Colt back?"

"We have to find him, sweetie. We don't know where he lives, but now that we know who has Colton we know better where we should look."

"I'm still really scared, Indy."

"I am too, baby."

The front door opened again and Isa jumped slightly, then breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Austin and Danny. They both rushed to her, checking her over to make sure she was okay and she assured them that her wrist only hurt a little. Danny left after a moment, meeting up with Mac to get briefed and told where he was needed. Austin sat down on the couch and took Isa's hand, looking at the swollen wrist.

"Ow ma, that hurts!"

"Sweetie, I think we need to have a doctor look at that."

"No! No! I need to stay here with Indy!"

"Baby-"

"No! The man will come back for me!"

"No he won't," Lindsay assured, rocking her a little. "He won't come for you, Isa. You're just fine."

"I need my Colt," she answered with a sob. "I am not brave without Colt."

"Isa, you listen to me," Lindsay said firmly, shutting her mind off for just a moment to what was going on and focusing on setting Isa straight. "You are brave, sweetie. With or without Colton, you are very, very brave."

"But I didn't hold on tight enough! I let him go!"

"Nothing that happened is your fault. If you weren't there honey, we wouldn't know who has him."

"I just miss him," she sniffled, rubbing at her eyes with her good hand. "And my wrist hurts. And I'm scared."

"I know, Isa. It's okay to be scared. I'm scared too."

"Ma, are you scared?"

"I'm really scared, honey. Even though I am sure he'll be home soon, I'm still scared for him. Part of being brave is being scared."

"That's what Ben telled us about his scary dreams. That if there was nothing to be scared of there would be nothin' to be brave for."

"Yeah, that's right."

Isa sighed and snuggled closer to Lindsay, feeling like she just needed to get warm and close her eyes for a while.

"I'm going to go check on the kids," Austin said, turning her attention to Lindsay. "You need anything?"

"Could you talk to Mac? I need to know what's going on."

"Of course. I'll be right back."

She moved off the couch and went upstairs and Isa sat up a little in Lindsay's lap.

"Me and Colt was talkin' about our fort," she said. "He said he gots a shoebox that we could use for the chimney. I said we should not have windows and then we could make it super dark in there and we could take our glowsticks inside. And he said that is a good idea and that I am smart. And he said that we could use his glowy stars in there too. And I said that I am glad me and him are a team. And then the truck came. And the man took my Colt away. And now I am really afraid."

Lindsay nodded and held her tighter, having never before felt so helplessly lost for words.

* * *

At times it felt like everything was moving too fast, but in the next moment it felt excruciatingly slow. Lindsay wanted to jump up off the couch and hit the streets and just look for her son because she felt as if sitting here was doing nothing. Another part of her wanted to stay here, to flip on all the lights in the house, to make food and clean and do laundry because Colton would need a nice, happy, warm house to come home to. The battle inside caused her to stay where she was, on the couch, staring blankly into space.

Adam's brother had come over earlier and was racking his brain, trying to come up with places his father could be. Up until recently, the elder Ross had been living in the city, but he had moved, it was just unclear where to. They had leads in Jersey and Pennsylvania, but nothing was certain. They couldn't even say that he'd taken Colton back to his house. There was an Amber Alert out as well, but only a handful of calls on that, saying that the truck was parked in an abandoned lot. They'd tracked the car down and found that it was rented to Adam's father, but with only a P.O Box on the address line. This wasn't some crime of opportunity; he hadn't been following them just to see them and feel like he was a part of their lives. No, he'd planned this. He'd planned this so well, watched so closely that he swooped in at that precise moment, when Lindsay had been just a little late and the bus had been just a little early and everything else aligned for him to execute his plan perfectly.

The thought of him watching them for so long made her shiver. How long had it been? Since that day at the coffee shop? Longer than that? She wondered if there had ever been close calls before, moments when he could have snatched one of the kids from her while they were all out together, or nights when he'd peeked into their windows, waiting until they were asleep upstairs, away from the kids. The thought of it terrified her and she pulled her legs up onto the couch, shivering as if he was watching her now.

"Hey Lin," Austin said softly, sitting down next to her on the couch and handing her a cup of tea. "Where's your mind?"

"I don't know."

"I put the kids to bed. Avery went right to sleep, but I had to stay up there and rock Ben for a while. He's really upset."

"He's going to have nightmares tonight. I know he is. Bad ones. I don't know if I can handle it."

"I can stay if you want me to. I'll stay in Colton's bed and I'll be there if Ben wakes up in the night."

"But don't you need to go home?"

"No. Danny already took the kids and I'm sure they'll be asleep soon."

"Okay. How's Isa's wrist?"

"It's sprained. Hawkes put a brace on it. It looks pretty cute."

Lindsay managed a flicker of a half smile and wrapped her hands around the warm mug, breathing deeply.

"Aust… what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, Lin. You and Adam both need some sleep. Some food would be a good idea too."

"I can't sleep, Austin. How could I, knowing he's out there?"

"I don't make the rules. I just know that if you stop eating and stop sleeping and start subsisting on just coffee, you're going to become more of a hindrance than a help. You have to take care of yourself so you can be strong for Ben and Avery too."

"I know. I just don't know if I can do that."

"You can. You've always been able to pull yourself up by the bootstraps before."

Lindsay sighed and rested her head on Austin's shoulder, her mind telling her to get up and do something, but her body refusing to move.

"I just want him back," she whispered.

"I know."

She started to cry again, her chest tight and her hands shaking. It came in waves like this, times of numbness, times of crying, times of frantic movement. It was like she didn't know how to compartmentalize in these moments and everything came with more ferocity when she didn't know what to expect.

"Lindsay, you're going to hyperventilate. You need to breathe."

"Can't."

"Yes you can. Linds, he's going to be fine. We're going to bring him home. You need to breathe and then you need to go upstairs and sleep. Trust Mac, trust everyone else to work through the night and then in the morning you'll be refreshed and have a clearer mind and you can help more."

"He must be so scared. He has no idea what's going on."

"You guys haven't ever told him, have you?"

"No. We want to and we know that we should, it's just hard to know when the time is right for that. You understand."

"Yeah."

"I wish I would have been paying more attention. If I had left the house one minute sooner, this wouldn't be happening. If I met them at the bus stop every day instead of around the corner, this wouldn't have happened."

"Lindsay, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is! If I had been doing what I should have been doing I would have been there in time and this wouldn't have happened. Colton would be here right now, with us. Isa wouldn't be hurt and scared, Adam wouldn't be feeling guilty and everything would be fine!"

"Lindsay, stop it. You can't do this to yourself. You have to be strong right now. When he comes home and this is all over, then you can beat yourself up and feel awful, but right now you cannot do that. Do you hear me?"

"It's easy for you to say that, Austin. It's not your kid out there all alone and scared and hurt and in danger. You can't tell me how to act or how to feel right now because you don't know!"

"Lindsay-"

"Stop it, Austin. Just leave me alone."

She sprang up from the couch and went into the kitchen, gripping the counter and breathing deeply. She couldn't function right now, she couldn't talk about this, she couldn't figure out what she was supposed to be doing or feeling and she couldn't concentrate on watching her words and actions right now. She was vulnerable and scared and confused and she just couldn't be anything other than that right now.

She wasn't sure how long she stood there but after a while she raised her head and walked over to the kitchen window, staring out into the darkening night and imagining Colton playing in the side yard in the dirt like he loved to do. He would have bare feet and no shirt and he would look up at her and wave, then point to his mud creation with a big smile on his face. Once it got dark he would come inside, hugging her around the waist and telling her about what he'd been playing outside and she would kiss the top of his head even though he was dirty, and she would look into his big brown eyes and be thankful for her sweet boy who was still little enough to hug his mama.

She closed her eyes and her shoulders shook with silent sobs as the gravity of the situation hit her once again. Shaking knees threatened to draw her to the ground but after mere seconds Adam's arms were around her, and they both sunk slowly to the floor, unable to be strong for just themselves, much less for each other. She buried herself in him finding small comfort in the fact that the tears that were running down her face were being joined by his and his body was shaking just as much as hers was.

She grabbed at his shirt and held on, her knuckles going white with the desperation, but her heart feeling like if she didn't hold onto him, she wouldn't make it.

"I'm sorry, Linds. I'm so sorry," Adam choked out, leaning down so only she could hear him.

"It's not your fault," she answered, shaking her head. "It's my fault."

"No."

"I want him back," she sobbed almost wishing the floor would open up and devour her.

"He'll be back."

"He's my baby."

"I know. I know. We'll find him."

"Adam, I can't do this. I can't."

"I can't either," he admitted, reaching up to wipe her tears away. "But we have to, honey. We can't fall apart or he won't have anything comforting to come home to."

"What do we do?" she asked, her head dropping to her hands.

"I don't know, Linds. I don't know."

* * *

"Stella?"

"Austin? It's late. Is everything okay?"

Austin lowered herself down to sit on the back porch, her heart seemingly breaking with every beat. She pulled her legs up to her chest and took a deep breath before she started.

"Colton's missing."

"What?"

"Adam's father took him and we can't find him. Everyone is falling apart."

"Slow down and tell me what happened."

Austin stumbled through the events of the last several hours stopping several times to catch her breath lest she burst into tears.

"What if we don't find him, Stella? What if he never comes home?"

"Austin, don't you dare say that. Don't. He will be home. Nothing is going to happen to him.

"I don't know if I've ever been this scared before."

"That's okay. You're allowed to be scared."

"We need you, Stell."

"I'll be there."

"What do I do right now?"

"The same thing you always do. Be there for them. Cry when you need to. Be patient with Lindsay because she's going to explode at you because you're the only one that can take it and you're the only one that's not going to run from it. Talk to Adam because you're the only one that comes close to understanding how he's feeling. Make sure they eat and sleep."

"I will. I just can't stop thinking about Colton and where he is. All the things he might be going through. What if he's hurt? He's just a little boy. He shouldn't have to know this kind of evil. And I keep thinking about Isa and what if my father had taken her and disappeared. I can't even think about it. I don't know how I would react. I would be frantic and panicked and I can't even image what it would be like. I close my eyes and I see Colton crying and hurt and scared and I need to go and save him Stell, but I don't know how. I just don't. I don't even know where to start. And this is my job. This is what I do. And I'm so lost. I'm helpless. I can't just go out and find him and bring him home. He doesn't belong out there. He belongs here, at home with his family, tucked into his bed all nice and safe, not out there somewhere with someone he doesn't know, someone who's going to hurt him so badly."

She didn't realize until then how hard she was crying and she sucked in a deep breath, trying to slow it down to a more normal rate while Stella spoke.

"I don't have any answers, honey and I can't do anything to fix this or make you feel better. All I know is that sitting outside by yourself is not working for you right now. You need to go back in there and jump in and do something or you're going to drive yourself crazy. Understand?"

"What do I do?"

"First you need to take care of Lindsay. She's emotionally spent and you and I both know what happens when she gets like that. Make sure she doesn't spin out of control. Make sure she sleeps. That's your first job, and then you can move on to the next thing, okay?"

"Okay."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I love you, Stella."

"I love you too. Get inside, sweetie."

Austin shut the phone off and stood up, walking back into the house. She went into the dining room first where Mac and Adam were deep in conversation, obviously trying to get as much background on Adam's father as they could. Lindsay was sitting at the table too, staring at her hands and breathing slowly, having slipped back into her state of silence.

"Hey Lin," Austin whispered, crouching down next to her. "Why don't you come with me to check on Ben and Avery? Then you can go to bed."

"I can't."

"Maybe not, but you're going to. C'mon."

She took Lindsay's hand and pulled her out of the chair, exchanging a look with Adam, who just nodded, knowing that Lindsay didn't need to hear brainstorming information right now, because it would just give her more scenarios to entertain. Slowly they made their way to the stairs and up, not a word passing between them. They peeked in on Ben first, finding him still tucked in tightly, his arms full of his favorite stuffed animals and blankets, and using Colton's sock monkey for a pillow. Lindsay knelt down next to his bed, wanting to pull him into her arms and hold him for a long time, but knowing that he needed as much sleep as he could get. Instead, she brushed his hair back and kissed his round cheek, taking a moment to whisper reassuring words to him before she stood up and walked across the hall to Avery's room.

The baby was sleeping peacefully and Lindsay just stared at her for a few minutes, trying to rid her mind of everything for just a brief moment so she could find some peace to sort everything out. All she wanted was her son home and safe. She didn't much care about anything else in the world but her little boy. Austin stood next to her for a while, then gently pulled her away from the crib and out into the hallway.

"You need sleep, Linds."

"I know."

"Do you want to take a sleeping pill?"

"No, but I'm not going to sleep if I don't."

"Go upstairs and change and I'll find one of those herbal ones, okay?"

Lindsay nodded and went upstairs while Austin made her way into the bathroom, finding the small bottle of pills in the medicine cabinet. She checked the dosage then filled a glass with water and took it upstairs. Lindsay was pacing across the room and Austin pulled the covers back on the bed, then pointed at it until Lindsay sat down.

"Here, take this. The bottle says it's a half hour before it works."

"Okay."

Austin moved to the stereo and turned the station to something more on the calmer side, then turned it on softly.

"Austin?"

"Yeah Lin?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand."

They didn't need more discussion than that and Lindsay sniffled, taking a small picture off the nightstand.

"He's such a good big brother," she mused, tracing over the image. Austin leaned over and looked at it, finding a recent photo of all three kids walking away from the camera, the boys holding Avery's hands and walking at her pace. It was something she'd seen a lot in real life, but it didn't mean less now as she stared at it, the words of the song on the radio swimming through the air.

"_There's a blaze of light in every word, it doesn't matter which you heard, the Holy or the broken Hallelujah. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah."_

"I feel guilty for sleeping," Lindsay said finally.

"It's okay, Lin. You need it."

"It kind of feels like when he was in the NICU. There was nothing I could really do. I had to trust everyone else to help him."

"I know."

"Can you go get Adam? I don't want to be away from him."

"Yeah. I'll be sleeping right down in the boys room if you need anything, okay? And don't worry about Ben tonight, I'll take care of him."

"Thank you, Austin."

"It's going to be okay, Lin. Colton's going to come home."


	197. Chapter 197

A/N: I had this planned out at three chapters, I really did.

* * *

"Mama! Mama!" Ben shrieked at the top of his lungs sitting up in bed and crying loudly. He was tangled up in the blankets and that scared him and the dream scared him and he couldn't see anything because his glasses were off and that scared him even more.

"Mama!" he hollered again, surprised she wasn't coming to his rescue.

"It's okay, Ben."

"My mama!"

"It's Austin, honey. You're just fine."

"Want mama!"

"I know, honey. Let me hold you."

He continued to wail but held his arms out so she could pick him up. She held him close, letting him cry against her, rubbing his back and trying to soothe him. He clung tightly to her, mumbling under his breath about something she couldn't understand.

"It's okay, Ben. You're safe."

"Want mama," he hiccupped, leaning back from her. "Want Cole."

"I know, baby. Your brother will come home, we'll find him."

"I wanna see Dunner."

"He's at home sleeping right now. He'll come back over in the morning so all you kids can be together, okay?"

"Okay."

She continued to walk the length of the room while he cried quietly, his mind too young to understand everything that was going on, but old enough to understand how bad the situation was.

The door creaked open and Adam came in, rubbing his eyes.

"He alright?"

"Getting there," Austin answered. "Have you slept yet?"

"On and off," he answered with a yawn. "Ben, you want daddy to hold you?"

Ben nodded and Austin handed him off, then sat down on Colton's bed, leaning against the wall and breathing for a few minutes while Adam walked an almost sleeping Ben around the room.

"Adam, are you doing okay?"

He shook his head slightly and moved over to the window, staring out for a few moments before he spoke.

"I know it's not my fault. And I know we'll find him. I'm just worried about what's going to happen to him between then and now."

"Adam, I don't think this has anything to do with Colton. I think it has everything to do with the fact that he needs something to control and his calls to you before have been that for him. He needs more control. He wants you to notice him and he thinks that if he shows you how desperate he is, maybe you'll give him another chance."

"I think you're right about his motivations at least in part. But I don't think the violence is something he outgrew. I think he was able to stop and get sober with the shock of us leaving him and because he found another family. But just like most other alcoholics, he went back to the bottle and I'm afraid he is now just the same as he was when I was a kid."

"You think he's going to hit Colton?"

"I hope not, but the stress he's under, the fact that there were empty beer cans in the truck, it only brings me to one conclusion."

"Maybe he won't, Adam."

"Aust, if he's bold enough to kidnap my kid when he knows it won't be hard to find him, he's not going to bother trying to have restraint."

"You can't think like that, Adam."

"If it was your father, wouldn't you be?"

"Point taken."

"You know, he almost killed me once. When I was a kid."

"What?" she asked, tipping her head to the side in confusion. She was sure that they'd both shared their worst stories long ago.

"I think I was eight. It was a really bad winter, he'd been laid off and we didn't have much money back then. In one way I can understand why it was hard on him. As a man he wanted to be the breadwinner. I get that. It had to have been embarrassing when we couldn't pay the electric bill and it got shut off and we had to figure out where to get food. It had to be embarrassing when my mom went to work and he stayed home. For a man who relies on pride to define him, that had to be the worst thing that could have ever happened. And then he's stuck at home with me. All winter break, the kid he hates more than anything in the world, 24 hours a day, he had to take care of me. I should have known by then to just stay out of his path, but there was always this little voice inside of me that said this time would be different. This time maybe he would just yell instead of hitting me. I always tried, and maybe I was stupid for that."

"You weren't stupid, Adam. I tried too. I think every kid does. You just wanted a dad. You would do anything to get that, even if it meant hurting for a while."

"I should have known that it would set him off though. I should have just not said anything at all."

"What did you say?"

Adam sighed and stood there for a moment, rubbing Ben's back and checking to make sure he was asleep before speaking.

"I told him he was a good father. I just didn't want him to be so mad anymore. He thought I was mocking him."

"What did he do?"

"He yelled for a while. He just kept getting angrier and angrier. Then he suddenly went quiet. He had this look in his eye, it was like one I'd seen before, but worse. I took one step to run away and he grabbed me. He put his hands around my throat and he squeezed. He must have known what he was doing because it seemed like forever. Everything started closing in and I thought that was it. I thought I was dead. And then it just went black. I was probably only out for a few minutes and I don't think I ever stopped breathing completely, but when I woke up he was telling my mom that I had red marks on my neck because I was allergic to something and it was a rash. I think he actually scared himself that time. But it makes me wonder if he went that far then, how far would he go now?"

He spoke so calmly, so clearly it was almost if he was reading a script for the first time. She watched him as his head bowed and he started to cry quiet tears, holding onto Ben as if his son was a lifeline back to everything good, away from all the hurt and bad memories. Austin wasn't quite sure what to do so she just stayed seated, letting him deal with it his way.

"He takes my childhood away from me and then he takes my son," he said after a moment. "He hurt Isa, the rest of the kids are scared and confused, Lindsay's falling apart. How can he do this to us? Wasn't I enough for him? Didn't he terrorize me and my mom enough to fulfill his needs? Why should he ruin even more lives now?"

"Adam-"

"I'm not as worried that Colton's going to be scarred from this, Austin. I'm scared out of my mind that he's going to do to my son what he almost did to me."

The words hung there, almost visible in the air and she wanted to reach out and shake the possibility right out of them. There was no way. It couldn't happen. Colton would be just fine, just fine, just fine.

She noticed her own tears about the same time she noticed her shaking hands and she couldn't help but think of all the times growing up that she'd closed her eyes and thought it was the end. Never before had she been forced to picture her child in that same situation. She could handle her own demons just fine, but to make any of the kids face them was too much. She would lay down and die before that happened.

"I've got to go do something," Adam said after a moment, backing away from the window. "I can't just stand here anymore."

"What are you going to do?" Austin asked, knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do right now.

"Whatever it takes to find my son," he answered, handing Ben to her and leaving the room. She sighed and looked down at the little boy in her arms, feeling her heart swell in protectiveness and fear.

"Oh Ben," she whispered, nuzzling his cheek and trying to hold back her tears. "I don't know what to do."

* * *

"Indy? Indy? Where are you?" Isa demanded upon coming in the house later in the morning. "Jo, where's my Indy?"

"She's in the dining room, honey."

Before Jo could say another word Isa took off running into the other room, stopping in the doorway to take in the scene before her. Everyone was gathered around the table, there were papers and laptops and phones everywhere and it all looked very busy and important. She looked around the room for a moment before she found Lindsay standing back a little bit, chewing on her thumbnail.

"Indy?" she said softly, approaching her and tapping her arm.

"Hi baby," Lindsay replied, her eyes brightening just the smallest amount as she crouched down and pulled Isa into her arms.

"They find my Colt yet?"

"No sweetie, not yet."

"I thought they would find him by morning."

"I know."

"Can you hold me for a long time today too? I just need you because you make me feel better."

"You make me feel better too," Lindsay said, lifting Isa into her arms.

"Indy, I really miss Colt."

"I do too. I want him to come home really bad."

"I had a dream last night that me and him were playing in the yard. I don't remember what we were doing but when I woke up I thought it was real."

"I'm sorry it wasn't, baby."

"What are they doing in here anyway?"

"They're just working, trying to find Colton."

"Why can't we just go to every house and knock on the door and see if he's there?"

"I wish it was that easy, baby. Let's go in the other room, okay?"

Isa nodded and they went into the other room, sitting down on the couch.

"Mama?" Avery said softly. "Coley?"

"Not yet honey."

Avery sighed and sat down in the place on the floor that Junior vacated as he went into the kitchen. He wasn't sure what he was looking for in there, but he did want to see who was in the house and what they were doing. He found Adam walking back and forth between the fridge and the sink, over and over again.

"You okay uncle cupcake?" he asked, his big eyes clouded with worry.

"I will be."

"It's okay to cry. I did. I miss him too."

"Thanks bud."

"Can I help ya?"

"Yeah," Adam said, crouching down. "If you just go and be a good friend to Ben, that would help me a lot."

"I do that all the time. I could do it today extra good though."

"That would give me one less thing to worry about and I would really appreciate it."

"You got it. Here comes Sarah," he said before going back into the other room. Sarah stood there quietly in the doorway, watching Adam for a moment before she walked over and patted his face.

"My daddy is the best cop in the world. He will find Colton. I know he will."

"I think he will too, honey."

"And Papaw and uncle Flack too. And Jess. They will bring him home soon."

He smiled and pulled her into a hug. He had complete faith in his colleagues and he wouldn't trust this investigation to anyone else, but it was nice to hear such a ringing endorsement to back up his feelings.

"Uncle Adam, I don't want no one to know I am afraid."

"Why not?"

"Because. Someone has to be not afraid. Somebody has to be the hugger of the scared people."

A true smiled cracked across his face and he pulled her into his arms and stood up.

"You know, it's okay to show that you're scared, even when you want to be the hugger. So let me make you a deal."

"I like deals."

"Whenever you decide you need to be scared for a while, you come find me. You can be scared and I won't tell anyone about it, okay?"

She nodded and hugged him tightly around the neck.

"It's a deal. And you can be scared in front of me too."

He nodded and kissed her cheek.

"Thanks for bein' you, sweetie."

"You're welcome. I'm gonna go check on the rest of the kids now."

He set her back down on the ground and she went into the other room, looking around at all the other kids and figuring that since Isa was still wrapped in Lindsay's arms and Ben and Junior were having a whispered conversation, the only kid left for her to take care of was Avery.

"Averylin, do you want to talk about this?" she asked, sitting down on the floor next to her.

"Coley," was Avery's only reply.

"He will come home soon. Are you afraid?"

"No. Food?"

"You are hungry? Auntie can Averylin have food? Like those grapes we bought yesterday?"

"Yeah, I'll go get them," Lindsay replied softly. "I'll be right back, Isa."

"I wanna come with you," Isa protested, getting off the couch and sliding her good hand into Lindsay's. "You promised not to leave me."

"I know. You can help me carry things back in here, okay?"

Isa nodded and they went into the kitchen, opening the fridge and pulling the grapes out to put into bowls for the kids. Lindsay set them on the counter, then turned back to get the green grapes for Ben, but stopped short when she saw the brown paper sack that had Colton's lunch in it. She'd made it the day before so he'd have it for today and she wouldn't have to rush around in the morning. She'd written him a note on the napkin and drew a little picture on the bag, unaware that he would never see those little tokens of love, he'd never eat that lunch, and he'd never come home and thank her for the extra dessert in there.

As much as she tried to stop them, the tears came full force, sobs pouring out of her as if the emotions were too much for her body to contain. She had to get out of this house, she couldn't stay here anymore, not in a place where her little boy wouldn't be. She'd promised not to leave Isa and in the back of her mind she knew there would be repercussions for this, but she didn't really care. She had to get out before she lost it completely.

Shutting the fridge, she wordlessly walked to the front door and left, despite Isa's begging for her to come back. Her feet carried her body and her mind was left to its own devices as the space between her and the house stretched further and further. Everything about this was so indescribable that she wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. Of course there was fear and anger and sadness but everything else was a jumbled mess and she couldn't sort it all out.

There were footsteps coming behind her, familiar but slow, someone who came to watch over her, but not to force her to return. She wandered for a few more minutes before turning around and finding Mac, looking a lot older than he had yesterday. He didn't say anything and for a moment, they just regarded each other before he took the few steps to her and squeezed her shoulder.

"You need to trust me, Lindsay. I won't rest until he's home."

"I know."

He didn't say anything else, just kept his eyes on hers until he knew she was ready to go back. They walked slowly together for a few minutes until he reached over and put his arm around her shoulder.

"You have two other kids at home, Lindsay. They need their mom. I know you want to run away, but you can't do that. They need you to be here for them."

"I know. But there's no rule book for this. No one tells you how to keep your family together when part of it is missing."

"But if there was, the first rule would be that you can't do it yourself. One of the reasons that I am always glad I hired you Lindsay is that you take every case to heart. You're a team player, but you rest a lot of it on yourself too. That's good when it's not personal. But right now you need to be a mom. Not a CSI, not a cop. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

They stood for a second longer before the tears started to dribble down her cheeks and he drew her into his arms, the exact same way her father always had, for as long as she could remember. It was safety and caring but it wasn't pity or duty. It was the comfort of someone who was feeling the pain too, someone whose heart was desperately in the situation.

"I miss him, Mac."

"I know."

"What if he never comes home?"

He took a deep breath at the words, for they were so close to the ones he had thought and said about Claire on that awful fall morning so many years ago. The wondering and waiting had been in some ways even harder than finally saying goodbye. This was different, but in some ways it was very much the same, and he wasn't too stoic to admit that seeing people he loved like family going through such horrible emotional torture was almost more than he could bear.

"Today that question doesn't matter, because today you can still say that he'll be home soon. There is no other option but that right now. He'll be home soon."

He said it with such determination, such conviction, a man who never committed to anything without basis, that her heart leapt in absolute joy that her son would be home soon. It wasn't just a desperate wish. He would be home.

"Now, let's go back to the house. People need us there."

She nodded and he released her, and they fell into step together until they reached the house.

"Mac?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

He just gave a short nod and held the front door open for her. She was barely inside before Isa stomped into the entryway, her arms crossed over her chest, fresh tear-tracks on her face.

"You promised."

"I'm sorry, honey," Lindsay breathed, leaning down to take the little girl's hand. "I just needed to take a walk."

"But you promised me, Indy. You said you wouldn't leave me."

"I know I did. I made a mistake and I'm sorry."

"Okay."

"I won't leave you anymore today."

"I am just really worried about Colt. My tummy hurts."

"Wanna know something? My tummy hurts too."

Isa gave a sad smile and blinked a few times, holding back the tears.

"I just want everything back to good."

"Me too, sweetie. Me too."

* * *

Night fell, bringing with it darkness, unseasonable cold, and no new leads. Adam's father had been working under a different name, so it had taken longer to track him down, and one they had, they only learned that he hadn't shown up for work in a week, and the address the store had for him was old. There had been visits to his old neighborhood, bars near his job, but no one seemed to know anything about where he had gone. It was like he'd just disappeared off the face of the earth.

Tomorrow agents from the FBI would step in and while it was good to know that people who did this for a living would be taking over, it was also a little frightening to know that it had gotten this bad, and that people they didn't know or trust were now responsible for the safe return of their son. There had been talk of a press conference but there was some dispute on what to say and how to say it, so that was going to be left up to the FBI as well.

It was late by the time Ben and Avery were calmed down enough to be put to bed and even then they were not happy in their own beds and were now cuddled up between Lindsay and Adam. The room was silent save for their little sleep sounds and Lindsay's occasional sniffles. Adam reached over and took her hand, finding her eyes in the moonlight and letting them speak better than he could.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this," she admitted.

"You can do it until he comes home," Adam answered, his thumb rubbing over her knuckles.

"This isn't right. Us here without him. It's just not right."

"I know."

"I can't sleep," she said after a few moments of silence.

"Where are you going?"

"Downstairs… I need to do something, I can't just lay here."

He nodded and she stood from the bed, throwing her robe on and going downstairs. It was dark and quiet and she walked around slowly for a while, glancing out the windows and straightening the throw pillows on the couch. She arranged them one way, then another, then gave up and left them where they were so she could move on to cleaning off the coffee table. She stacked the kids drawings into piles, put all the crayons back in the boxes and was gathering up their empty Capri Sun pouches when something on the side table caught her eye. It was a walkie-talkie, the one Colton brought to her every morning so he could still talk to her while he was getting ready for school. She'd be making breakfast or checking over his homework and she'd hear his crackly voice through the speaker.

"_Calling mama, calling mama! I love you! Over and out!"_

She held onto the toy desperately wishing for his voice to come through one more time, just to let her know that he was okay. Just one word. Turning the dial carefully, she pressed the button on the side, clearing her throat, needing to speak even though she knew it would never get to him.

"Calling Colton. I love you. Please come home. Over."


	198. Chapter 198

A/N: Sorry this is taking me so long, guys.

* * *

The agents from the FBI showed up at the house bright and early to begin their investigation. Adam and Lindsay were interviewed separately and extensively, going back not just to Monday afternoon, but even further than that, back to the last time they had seen Adam's father and working forward. Agents from the Phoenix field office were interviewing Adam's mom to try and get more history and maybe figure out hobbies and places he would go to, while other agents were interviewing his last wife to try and figure out his state of mind. It was several hours of talking and answering questions, and by mid-morning, they were both exhausted.

They kids were upstairs with Jo, and Austin was bringing her kids over soon. They had found that things were a lot easier on the kids if they could be together, so even if it made the house a little crowded, it also made things slightly more bearable. Ben was restless however, not happy about being kept from his mama and daddy and he was finally allowed to go downstairs and join them after what seemed to him like forever. They were sitting side by side on the couch, talking softly and he climbed up between them, making sure not to interrupt.

"How are you doin' buddy?" Adam asked.

"I'm fine. I miss Cole."

"I know."

"I done somethin' bad," he said quietly, pushing his glasses up.

"What did you do, baby?" Lindsay asked, tipping his chin up.

"I dunno. I done something bad, that's why Cole go away."

"Ben, this isn't happening because you did something bad."

"Sissy done something bad?"

"No."

"You guys done something bad? I will forgive ya."

"No Ben," Adam started, trying to figure out how to explain the harsh reality of life to his four year old. "No one did anything wrong. This isn't a punishment for us."

"But if we are good, why is this happenin'? I am not a understander."

"I don't really understand either, son."

"Why, daddy?"

"I don't know, Ben. I don't know why this is happening and I wish it would stop. It's not fair."

"I am not only sad. I am very, very mad at the bad person what stole my big brother."

"I'm mad too," Lindsay admitted. "I'm so mad I just want to yell and scream and cry."

"Yeah, that's how much mad I am too!" Ben said with a nod. "Our Cole is not for takin' for other people! He is for our family and no one else."

"You're absolutely right, Ben."

"If we done nothin' wrong, then doin' somethin' right will not make Cole come home, huh?"

"It doesn't work that way."

"We need changin' the rules, okay? I am tired of him bein' gone."

"I am too."

"What if he does not benember us?"

"Colton will remember us, buddy."

"You think he is thinkin' 'bout us right now? Wantin' to come home? You think he is cryin' for us? I would be cryin' if I was with a scary person. I am just glad if one of us was gettin' taked it was not sissy because she not be able to handle that. 'Specially if that bad person did not give her no food."

"Yeah, she'd have a meltdown, wouldn't she?"

"Yep. Cole is very much brave and smarty. He will be alright until his time to come home, yeah?"

"I hope so," Lindsay said softly.

"I got another question."

"What's that?"

"Why did the person take Cole?"

Adam and Lindsay glanced at each other warily; they hadn't discussed how much to tell the kids about everything, but it was getting increasingly harder to be vague.

"We think that this person took your brother because they were lonely," Adam started. "Maybe he wants a family of his own."

"But why doesn't he just fall in love like you and mama done?"

"I don't think that's worked out so well for him in the past, buddy."

"Well maybe he should have asked. Maybe we might said yes."

They didn't have an answer for that and he sighed and snuggled deeper into them, adjusting his suspenders and yawning.

"Can we go find a genie? I will just ask for one wish. For Cole come home. Then I set the genie free."

Lindsay smiled a little and he reached up to wipe the tear off her cheek.

"Don't cry, mama. He is still Cole, even when we don't gots him."

"I know."

"Everythin' gonna be alright. He come home and know what? I can't wait to hug him so big. And I will tell him how much we was lookin' for him. And then he will never ever leave us again. Okay mama? We gotta be patient."

She nodded and he climbed up into her lap, wrapping his arms around her neck and pressing himself as close as he could get. He brushed her hair aside and whispered in her ear gently, then sighed and rested against her, twirling her hair in his fingers. The three of them sat there for a while before Adam's phone rang and he left the room to answer it. It was his mom on the other end and he indicated he'd be tied up for a while.

"My mama," Avery said as Jo brought her down the stairs.

"Yeah, there she is. You want to cuddle her?"

"No, Jo-Jo, I am already doin' that," Ben announced. "Sissy can cuddle you."

"But she wants her mama," Jo said, sitting down next to them.

"Okay. I will play with Qwerty then," he said, clambering off the couch and onto the floor where the dog was sitting, watching the front door.

"Squirty!" Avery said, Lindsay forgotten as her one track mind focused on the dog. Jo chuckled and let Avery down to the floor, then looked over at Lindsay with a sigh.

"How are you doin' honey?"

"Not good."

"Come here, sweetheart."

Lindsay sniffled and closed her eyes, allowing herself to be comforted in a way she hadn't been since she was a child. Jo didn't say a word and Lindsay didn't cry a tear, they just sat in the kind of silence that could only be shared by mothers. It was the first moment of actual peace Lindsay had felt since Monday afternoon and she tried to relax into it for just a minute, get some clarity and balance that she knew she needed.

"Have you been talkin' to your mama?" Jo asked after a few minutes.

"Yeah. She calls every couple hours for updates. It's kind of hard to know what to say."

"What do you mean?"

"I've never heard her so upset and worried before. And it's the first time in my life that I'm ready to admit that I need her and she's not here. I just… I want my mama so bad."

"You have a hard time saying that, don't you?"

"Yeah. I don't think I've ever said it. Is that normal?"

"I think that you've got a lot of pride, Lindsay, and I think you have a hard time letting go of hurts. But right now you need to put that all away because she's your mama and you need her and there is nothing in the world she would rather do than be there for you."

"Why is it easier to talk to you than it is to talk to her?"

"Because she's your mama. That's why your kids have Austin and her kids have you. Sometimes you just need someone else."

Lindsay nodded and closed her eyes again, finding that if she couldn't have her mom right now, Jo was a pretty good substitute.

* * *

As much as Lindsay and Adam wanted to keep the kids close to them, it wasn't healthy for them to be cooped up in the house for this long, and their begging to please go outside was a getting to the point where it was annoying and setting their nerves on edge. Austin and Jo were gracious enough to take all five kids into the backyard to play, as Lindsay just couldn't let them go as far as the park. She and Adam stayed inside, knowing that they needed a little time together because as much as they loved each other, it was getting very hard to communicate when they were both hurting so badly.

They would have sat down on the couch, but he opted for the recliner and pulled her down with him, needing her to be close. She adjusted herself in his lap and curled against him, holding on for dear life.

"What are you thinkin' babe?"

"I'm not even sure anymore. I just keep wondering what he's doing and if he's okay. I don't even care what happens once we get him back. I just want him back."

"Linds… do you blame me at all? I know you're going to say no, but I want you to really think about it."

"No Adam, I don't blame you. I never will."

"I feel like we're pulling away from each other."

"I don't mean to be. I think I'm just scared. Are you scared?"

He nodded and pressed his forehead to hers.

"We can't let this tear us apart. We can't."

"We won't," she promised. "We just need to keep talking. I know I'm not telling you very much, I just don't want to pile too much on you."

"I know. No one ever tells you how to get through things like this."

"I think the only way we can is together."

He nodded in agreement, his hand finding hers and holding in tightly. They often felt the need to reconnect to each other, for no other reason than the great importance of always being bonded. But in times like these it was especially important and increasingly difficult. They both had so much on their minds that it was hard to listen to each other's non-verbal cues and even harder to take in what they did hear.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm really scared. I mean really, really scared. I'm scared for him and I'm scared for us and for the kids and I'm scared that this is going to mess me up again and I'm scared that all the horrible things I dream about at night are going to come true," she confessed, sniffling and rubbing her eyes. "I'm losing it, Adam. I don't think I can keep it together."

"Yes you can. Worry about today right now. Just make it through today. Tomorrow isn't here yet."

She nodded and looked up to meet his eyes, taking a deep breath before she spoke.

"Adam you can tell me things too."

He blinked twice and sighed once before reaching up and cupping her cheek in his hand, his thumb barely brushing away a tear.

"I don't know what's going to happen when he comes home. I don't know what kinds of questions he's going to have and I don't know if I'll have the answers. I don't want this to take away his childhood, or make him see the world as completely evil. I don't want him to know the truth about things just yet, I want him to still be innocent. I want him to still be that silly, thoughtful, wise, happy little boy that he's always been. I don't want him to change. I don't want him to be afraid. I don't want him to be bitter. I don't want him to lose faith in anything good. His whole life, I've promised that would never happen to him and I swore I would protect him and now I've failed."

"You didn't fail," she said softly. "Your father stole that right from you for now. But Adam, when Colton comes back, you're going to be the only one that understands and the only one that will be able to find those answers. I always knew that you would be a good daddy, but I think you're the only daddy in the world that could handle all this."

He nodded and she leaned up to kiss him softly.

"I think if I take a little of your fear and you take a little of mine, we might just be alright."

"It's a deal."

He gave her a reassuring smile and she sighed, watching the way his hand held hers, just how it always had. They weren't going to lose each other.

* * *

By the end of the day, emotions, exhaustion, and frustrations were running high. The FBI's ways were a lot different and instead of letting them know everything that was happening with the investigation, they stayed quiet. The agents were askers, not tellers so Adam and Lindsay felt very much in the dark about the progress and any new leads. Mac kept them up to date as much as he could, just enough to reassure them that things were happening, there were a few leads and the FBI wasn't slacking on the case. They had shifted their focus to Jersey and were certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that that's where Adam's father had taken Colton. They were getting close and the anticipation was high, but they were all still aware that things could change at any time.

It was later than usual when they finally got around to bathing Ben and Avery, taking extra time to just be with them, try and comfort and calm them before bed. Ben hadn't said very much for the last few hours, and when he did speak it was one word answers and short questions about when his brother would be back. Avery seemed absolutely discontent, not because she missed her brother so much as she knew something was wrong but she didn't really understand what that was. She'd been clingy all day, her feet rarely ever hitting the floor because someone was always willing to hold her. She couldn't ask questions or even understand many answers, so they just had to make her feel okay in the moment.

"Alright kids, time for bed," Lindsay said, leaning over to drain the tub while Adam wrapped both kids in warm towels.

"Mama," Avery said quietly, reaching her hands out and frowning until Lindsay picked her up.

"Let's go get you into some jammies and all tucked into bed. Ben, does that sound okay?"

"I not wanna sleep without Cole. He doesn't have no jammies with him."

"I know."

"How is he sleepin'?"

"I don't know, buddy," Adam said. "Let's go get you ready for bed."

Ben sighed and they went into the other room while Lindsay took Avery into her bedroom.

"Okay, we need a diaper and some nice jammies," she said, knowing that if she kept herself talking and distracted, it would be easier to get through the night time ritual. "How about these ones? They have birdies on them."

"Bud."

"Yeah, that's right. Birdies. What does a birdie say?"

Avery shook her head and frowned, pushing the shirt away when Lindsay tried to put it over her head.

"Sweetie, don't do that. You need to get dressed for bed. It's too cold for you to sleep in just your diaper."

"No, mama."

"Yes, Averylin."

"No."

"Stop pushing me away. It's time for you to go to bed."

Avery growled in frustration but gave up the fight, letting Lindsay dress her.

"There, that's better. Do you want to rock for a little while?"

"Coley, mama."

"I know," Lindsay breathed, grabbing a small quilt out of the crib and wrapping it around her squirming daughter. "I miss him too, baby."

They rocked back and forth, back and forth for a long time, Lindsay holding on as tightly as she could while Avery fussed and asked for her brother. There was no answer she could give, no promises she could make, so she just ignored the pleas, closing her eyes and wishing him back.

After a while Avery was quiet, blinking slowly and showing all signs of being ready to sleep. Lindsay placed her gently into the crib and settled the blanket over her, but was surprised when Avery sat up, rubbing her eyes and whining.

"No, honey. Time for sleep. Lay down."

She tucked the baby in again, but Avery was not going to be deterred now, and sat up again, grabbing onto the crib bars and holding on with all her strength.

"Averylin, it's time for bed. Let go."

"No!"

"Yes. You need to lay down and go to sleep."

"No! Coley!"

"Avery, stop."

"No!" she shrieked, trying to climb out of the crib. "Bad mama!"

Lindsay was dumbfounded for a moment, but recovered quite nicely.

"Averylin Grace you are going to bed right now."

"No! No! Coley!"

As her voice reached higher volumes and pitches, Lindsay could feel her resolve cracking and despite the knowledge that she needed to walk away, she carefully pried her daughters hands off the crib.

"Stop it! That is enough! Go to bed right now!"

She couldn't remember ever raising her voice at the kids like that before and Avery just stared at her for a moment before screaming and trying to climb out of the bed again.

"I said no!" Lindsay blurted out, grabbing Avery and tucking her into the bed, less than gently.

Avery burst into tears and screamed for Adam while Lindsay backed away from the crib, bumping into the wall and sliding to the floor, her own tears coming just as loudly as her daughters. Adam was there in seconds, looking from his wife to his daughter and back again, not knowing who to comfort first. Ben was right on his heels and went straight for Lindsay, kneeling down in front of her and wrapping his warm hands around her wrists.

"Mama, stop cryin'. Please stop. Cole not want you to cry. He not want you to be sad."

His words didn't help much but she was able to lift her head and pull him into her arms before the sobs came again. He held onto her and cried to as Adam and Avery slid down onto the floor next to them. They were all together in it, but that meant if one of them fell apart, they all did. A family of five could not function as a family of four, and if they could not function, how ever would they survive?


	199. Chapter 199

She'd lost the battle with willpower and gravity before the alarm had gone off, but she'd actually let herself feel the defeat when the sun flooded through the windows, rousing them both more awake. There was no way she was going to get out of bed this morning, and the chances of being up by noon were slim to none.

Adam moved a little beside her, sliding his arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to the back of her ear.

"New day," he whispered. She just nodded as he stroked her hair back and rubbed her shoulder, trying to channel some of his strength into her. He felt good today, like it would be over soon, like they would have Colton back before they knew it. He wanted to give her some of that hope, but he knew right now what she needed was to just be as she was.

"I'm going to go shower and get the kids up. Why don't you call your mom?"

She nodded again and he slid out of bed, handing her the cell phone and tucking her in tightly, then moving the pillows behind her so she felt secure.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."

He kissed her once before stepping out of the room to give her a little space. She sighed and dialed the number without much thought, knowing she would talk herself out of it, given the chance.

"Hello?"

"Hi mama," she croaked, unable to distance herself by using just 'mom.'

"Hi honey. Did you just wake up?"

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?"

"I can't get out of bed, mama. I don't even want to."

"Because he's not there."

"I feel like no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. If I go out and look for him then I'm being reckless and I'm not taking care of Ben and Avery. If I stay here then I'm not doing all I can to bring him home. If I ask too many questions, I'm interfering with the investigation. If I stay quiet they think I don't care."

"If you were on the other side of this, what would you tell the mother?"

"I would tell her to trust me to do my job. It's easier to say that and to take on that responsibility than it is to give it over to someone else."

"I know."

"I'm so scared, mama. I just keep thinking about him and where he is and if he's hurt. He's got to be terrified out of his mind, he's got to be so confused and there's no one there to tell him that we're coming for him or anything. I mean, what if he thinks we forgot about him?"

"He won't think that, honey. He knows you love him and he knows you will do anything to get him back."

"I should have gotten to the bus stop sooner. I should have paid more attention."

"Stop that right now, Lindsay. You know that when these kinds of horrible things happen, there's not anything you can do to reverse time and go back and fix it. Kicking yourself isn't going to do anything but make you look back. You know better than anyone that looking back doesn't help."

"I know."

"Lindsay, be honest with me. Do you really think he's not coming home?"

"I know he is. He has to."

"Then you need to stop your mind every time it tells you something different."

"I had nightmares all night long. They're so much worse when it's not me getting hurt. Now it's him and I'm standing there and I can't do anything. Or it's Adam as a little boy, or it's all of them and I just stand there."

"Honey, that's not what happened. That's a nightmare. Your mind loves to torment you, it always has. You're stronger than that, and you know it. When you wake up, you have to remember that it was a dream. You have to hold onto reality because if you don't, you're going to slip into a place that I know you don't want to go."

"I need you, mama," she confessed finally, letting the tears come. "I need you here so bad."

"You do?" Anne asked, unable to keep the shock out of her voice.

"Yes, please mama. I need you."

"I'll do the best I can, sweetheart. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Please hurry."

"I will, sweetie."

"The kids are up," she said, taking a deep breath as she heard noises over the baby monitor. "I gotta go."

"Okay honey. I'll talk to you in a while and I'll look for a plane ticket. Be strong, okay?"

"I will. I love you, mama."

"I love you too, Lindsay."

They hung up the phone and she wiped her tears away, taking a few moments to catch her breath before she sat up. Ben and Avery were standing in the doorway shyly and she gave them both a little smile.

"C'mere, babies."

Ben jumped onto the bed without any other coaxing, but Avery stayed in the doorway, sucking furiously on her pacifier.

"Avery, come here sweetie. Mama's sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you last night."

She took a hesitant step forward then ran full speed at the bed, raising her arms to be lifted up.

"Good morning love. I'm sorry for last night. I made a mistake."

"You were just frustrated at sissy, huh?"

"A little, but it wasn't her fault. I'm very worried about your brother and it makes me a little on edge."

"I know what that means. When you're watching a scary movie and somethin's gonna happen and you sit on the edge of the couch."

"Yeah, something like that."

He nodded and reached over to stroke Avery's arm.

"You are not upset with mama no more, right sissy?"

She nodded and leaned sleepily against Lindsay's chest.

"Mama?" she asked quietly, the word garbled by the pacifier.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"That. Daddy."

Lindsay smiled as Avery traced over the words on her wrist.

"Yes, daddy has one too."

"What does it say, mama?" Ben asked curiously.

"It says 'I Love You.'"

"So you and daddy always 'member that you love each other?"

"Yep."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I like that. I get bigger, I get one of them on my arm, one with a heart what says mother like we seen on the TV that time."

"Oh really?"

"Yep. For I love my mother. And on my arm for daddy gots that one on his arm."

"But you don't call me mother."

"It's more 'ficial that way."

"More official? Oh Ben, where do you come up with this stuff?"

"In my head," he replied, leaning over and hugging her tightly. "I maked you smile, mama. Austin telled me that if I could make you smile, I done my job."

"Yes, you did. Thank you, baby."

"Ah smile mama," Avery chirped, grinning widely. Lindsay chuckled and kissed her cheek as Adam came back into the room.

"Hey, what's going on in here?"

"We're just tryna make mama smile a little," Ben answered. "But soon we have to think 'bout Cole bein' still gone."

"Coley," Avery said with a nod. "Bye-bye."

"He'll come home, Tink," Adam assured. "Big brother will be home."

* * *

Lindsay managed to get out of bed after that, even making the kids a good breakfast and cleaning up the kitchen before she ran out of steam and had to curl up on the couch. Austin was there by that time and took over for her, knowing that Lindsay would never ask anyone else to do it.

Isa had joined Lindsay on the couch, getting as close as she could but not saying a word. It wasn't that her own parents couldn't make her safe or that she didn't want anyone else. It was just that she felt as if Lindsay was the only one who understood how scared she was, the only one who would just take her as she was without asking any questions. It was a bond they'd always shared, a simple and easy trust and Isa was just beginning to really understand it and realize how important it was.

"Indy?" she questioned softly, playing with the Velcro on her wrist brace.

"Yes?"

"When Colt comes back, do we treat him normal?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well when Ben got his tonsils out we had to be quiet and nice to him and not play rough because he went through a hard time. And like when Sarah or Daniel gets hurt I have to remember to have… um… compassion. Are we going to have to do that with Colt? Treat him fragile?"

Lindsay smiled and shook her head.

"I think you should treat him how you always treat him. He's going to want things to all be normal again."

"Can I give him tackle hugs?"

"Of course."

"Okay. Will he want to talk about it?"

"I don't know. But if you just let him know that you are willing to listen if he wants to talk, that will help him a lot."

Isa nodded.

"What are you going to do for him, Indy?"

"I think I'll spend a few days just hugging and kissing him until he gets sick of it."

"Wanna know a secret?"

"Sure."

"Colt telled me that he wipes off your kisses because he's a big kid, but he still wants you to kiss him anyway. He said he's his mama's boy but he doesn't want no one to know."

"I kind of suspected that."

Isa gave a half smile.

"I love you, Indy."

"I love you too, sweetie."

"Can I sleep here tonight? In your bed with you? I was having lots of bad dreams last night and I just wanted to be with you this time."

"We'll talk about it sweetie, but I think it's better for you to be at home."

"You don't want me here?"

"Of course I do. I just think that you'll sleep better in your own bed."

"Daddy's been workin' this whole time. He doesn't come home much because he's lookin' for Colt. I don't think no one else could find Colt. But my ma says that daddy and Flack have been in Jersey a lot. I said that daddy will need a long bath when he comes home to wash all the Jersey off him."

"I bet your ma was really proud of you for sayin' that."

"She laughed a lot. Is Jersey far away?"

"No, it's pretty close."

"What if Colt is not in Jersey? What if they made a mistake and he is somewhere else?"

"We don't worry about that, Isa. We just think about him coming home."

"I heard my ma and daddy talkin' a little bit last night when daddy came home for a bit and they thinked I was sleepin'."

"Oh yeah?"

"Daddy asked if you and uncle Dum were okay and ma said for now and then she said she was worried 'bout you. She said you were shuttin' down again. What does that mean?"

"It's not a big deal, sweetie."

"But ma was worried about you. I never heard her say that before."

"It's okay, Isa. I don't want you to be upset about it, okay? I'm just fine."

"But what did that mean, Indy?"

Lindsay chewed on her bottom lip as she thought about what to say. She was afraid of the same thing Austin was, but she was determined that she would overcome it before it happened this time. She just wasn't sure how to explain that to Isa if she could barely articulate it herself.

"Your ma just gets herself worried about me sometimes when she doesn't need to."

"But she said again. Did something bad happen before? And what does shuttin' down mean? I thought only robots could do that."

Lindsay smiled and twisted a lock of Isa's hair around her finger.

"Sometimes, not very often, but sometimes, I get very, very sad. It's no one's fault and there's not anything anyone can do about it. I get very sad and tired and some days I don't want to get out of bed. It's like I turn off and I don't do any of the things I'm supposed to do. And it really worries your mom because she loves me and she doesn't want me to be like that forever."

"I don't really understand."

"That's okay. I don't either. But I promise you, Isa, that's not what's happening right now. You don't need to worry about me."

"I will tell my ma not to worry about that too. But I am still gonna check on you to make sure, okay?"

"You are just like your mom sometimes, do you know that?"

"Yep. Daddy says I am all the parts of her that maked him fall in love."

"I love you, Isabeth Grace Messer."

"I love you too, my Indy."

* * *

"Okay kids, time for lunch," Jo announced, carrying several plates into the dining room and setting them on the table. "Let's try to eat our vegetables today, alright?"

"Is ketchup a vegetable?" Ben asked hopefully, dipping his chicken finger in it and making a face at the green beans.

"No, it's a fruit sauce," Jo answered, ruffling his hair.

"I not like beans of green."

"They're green French fries."

"Oh! I could eat them!" he agreed grabbing one and sliding it through his ketchup. "This not taste like a fry, Jo-Jo."

"I know. It's a green one."

"Oh, okay. Sissy, eat yours green French fries."

Avery stared at him for several minutes before squeezing the green bean she had in her hand until it gushed through her fingers.

"That was highly classy of you," Austin chuckled, reaching over and wiping her hand.

"Ahmin, kiss?"

"You're so odd," she chuckled, leaning down to kiss Avery. "And I love you very much. Now eat up."

The kids were all soon distracted by their food and Jo and Austin just played with theirs, exhausted from being everyone's support and trying to deal with their own worries at the same time. Lindsay had been thanking them over and over for all their help and Adam was constantly bringing them coffee or ice-cream or anything else he could think of to let them know that he appreciated all they were doing for them.

"Hey ma, do I gotta eat them French fries too?" Junior asked, pointing at his plate.

"You at least need to try them. Three bites."

"That's what aunt Lin always says."

"I know and she's very smart."

He sighed and broke one bean into three small pieces, then gave her a smile before eating the smallest piece.

"One bite."

"Oh Daniel," she sighed, shaking her head.

"That's my name," he replied. "Don't stretch it out!"

It was probably the stress and worry that caused Austin and Jo to burst into laughter and even though they felt guilty for it, they couldn't really stop. The kids just looked at them like they had finally cracked, then burst into laughter too because they had all learned that if you can't beat them, join them was the best course of action in situations like this.

"What are you crazies laughin' at?" Lindsay asked as she came into the room.

"Daniel said something," Sarah started with a giggle. "And ma and Jo laughed. And then we just laughed too."

"He said "that's my name, don't stretch it out!"" Austin chuckled, wiping her eyes. Lindsay giggled a little bit and leaned down to hug Junior.

"What would we do without you, Guy?"

"You would laugh at no one and Binyin wouldn't have a best friend!"

"Well I guess that settles it then," she chuckled, sitting down next to Isa.

"Mama, is Granna comin'?"

"She can't get here until Saturday, but she'll be here," Lindsay replied, her heart constricting as she thought once again about the fact that Colton might not be home by Saturday.

"Granna will make us all feel better. She make us the cowboy cookies and I will help and it will all be okay."

"I hope so," Lindsay whispered.

"Where's daddy?"

"He's taking a breather."

Ben nodded and went back to his lunch, knowing that Adam was taking more and more breathers outside, and wondering exactly why.

Austin's phone rang and she looked at the screen, then excused herself into the other room, saying it was Danny.

"What day is today?" Isa asked, taking a drink of her juice. "I don't know because I haven't been in school."

"It's Thursday."

"And Colt's been gone since Monday. That's three days now, huh?"

"Yeah, just about."

"Indy, what about our homework?"

"I think your teachers will understand that you won't have any to turn in."  
"Okay."

Sarah was about to ask a question of her own when Austin came back into the room, her face flushed and her eyes wide.

"They found him."

"What? They did? Where is he?"

"Danny's got him. They're going to meet us at the station."

Lindsay stood up from the table without another word and went out to the back porch to find Adam.

"Ma, I wanna go," Isa said, sliding out of her chair. "Please, please, please, I need my Colt!"

"No, Austin, I wanna go. He is my brother!" Ben protested.

"Benjamin, I need you to stay here and take care of your sister," Lindsay placated as she and Adam came back into the room.

"But I want to see my big brother!"

"Coley!" Avery added for emphasis.

"We'll bring him home soon, honey," Lindsay assured, kneeling down to look at him. "But right now, Isa really, really needs to see him and see that he's okay."

"So she not scared of what she seen?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I stay with sissy and Dunner and Sarah and Jo-Jo."

"Thank you. We'll be back and we'll bring your big brother home to you."

He nodded and they all headed for the door together, Isa jumping down the front steps in absolute excitement that she was going to get to see her best friend. She clambered into the back of Austin's car and waved back at the kids, who were standing on the porch. Sarah had her arm around Junior, Junior had his arm around Ben, Ben was holding Avery's hand, and Avery was crying because she wasn't leaving too.

"They're bringin' him home, Binyin," Junior said as the car drove away. "They're bringin' him home!"


	200. Chapter 200

A/N: So first of all, happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for sticking with me this long. I know this chapter sounds like the end, but believe me, it is very far from it. Ending this story would be like giving up my first born or something. Anyway, thanks for all the reviews (I live for them), all the feedback (always makes my story better) and all the support. I am glad to know this story reaches people not just on an entertainment level, but also emotionally. That has always been my goal as a writer, to make everything I type be meaningful. This story has literally saved my life and I hope that my loyal readers have been able to take just a little away so far.

* * *

Colton wasn't exactly sure how long he'd been in this room. He knew that he'd fallen asleep a few times, and besides two apples, he hadn't been allowed to eat. He was really thirsty, and there was a glass of water sitting across the room, but ever since the scuffle earlier, he'd been tied to a chair and couldn't get up. His head hurt so bad and he knew it was cut, he just wasn't sure how bad. It had bled a lot and his face itched where the blood had dried.

He was scared. This man was so angry and he never knew when he was going to come upstairs and yell at him or hit him or anything like that. He'd been pretty nice at first, kept saying that they were a family and he just wanted everyone to know that. Colton had been confused but he didn't make a fuss about it, just nodded along and tried to figure it all out. But then they had gotten to the house and Colton started to get scared. He knew he wouldn't be going home that night and he'd started crying. The man had gotten very upset. He was yelling at Colton and kept saying that they were a family and he didn't need anyone else. He had put Colton to bed without any dinner, telling him that they could start over in the morning.

Colton stayed awake for a long time, sitting up in bed and counting as high as he could, reciting his lines from the Thanksgiving play earlier in the year, saying everyone's full names over and over and over again, trying to stay awake. Finally he'd heard the TV downstairs turn off and the man went to bed. He waited patiently for a while after that, then got up from the bed, tiptoeing to the bedroom door and quietly twisting the knob. He shut it again behind him then walked to the end of the hall and down the stairs. The last stair creaked loudly and he stopped, certain he was caught. But there had been no movement upstairs, so he ran for the front door, twisting the knob, trying to open it. He was frantic and just the second he realized that the door was locked and he needed to unlock it, a large hand had clamped down on his shoulder.

After that things had gotten bad. The man had hauled him back upstairs, holding his arms so tight he was sure they would break, yelling so loud that his ears hurt. At the top of the stairs Colton had tried to fight back, stepping as hard as he could on the man's foot. That had been a bad idea, as he'd found himself nearly flying through the air, his head coming into contact with the latch on the door. That's where the cut had come from and he'd screamed in pain, falling to the floor and begging for his mama and daddy. The man swore and picked him up, placing him on the chair in the room and tying his arms and legs to it, saying that until they learned to trust each other and Colton forgot about his other family, he would have to stay in the chair.

He'd spent a lot of the next day yelling at the man, telling him that the police were coming, screaming for his parents and calling the man all the bad names he could think of. And then he'd gotten tape put over his mouth, and he realized that there was nothing he could do now to get home.

He tried to be as quiet as he could, knowing that when the chair or the floor creaked, it made the man mad. He had the hurt on his cheek to prove it. No one had ever hit him before and it scared him a lot. Every time the man came upstairs, he told Colton that they were a family. Colton argued, saying that families didn't do this, families loved each other, and families didn't hit. All that did was make the man hurt him more. In his head he thought about his injuries, checking them off like a list. There was the big cut on his head, his cheek stung from getting slapped, and he probably had bruises on his arm from being grabbed and pushed. That was all he remembered at the moment, but he was sure there was more because his entire body hurt a lot.

He'd spent a long time trying to work it all out in his head. The man said he was daddy's dad, but that didn't make any sense. Colton already knew daddy's dad. And if this man was his grandpa, why was he so mean? Grandpas were supposed to be nice. They weren't supposed to say swears or drink beer or hit people either. Certainly this man was lying.

All Colton wanted was to go home. He wanted to play with Ben and Avery and he wanted to talk to mama and daddy about this man. But more than anything, he wanted to see Isa. She'd fought the man pretty hard and falling on the ground like she had must have hurt a lot. He knew she was scared and he needed to see her again and make sure she was okay.

Everyone else was probably worried but he knew they would find him soon. They were the good guys after all. Flack would throw the bad man in jail and then Colton could go home to mama and daddy and Ben and Avery. They could have family dinner and all the kids could play together and all of it would be okay again.

That's what he kept thinking about, going home, taking a nice bath, eating a good dinner, snuggling up with his family on the big bed, watching a movie and falling asleep. That's all he wanted because he knew that once he was home, no one could ever hurt him again. He wondered if this had ever happened to anyone else, if any other grown ups ever hurt other kids. It made him mad to think about it and he really hoped he was the only kid in the world that this would ever happen to. He could take it, as long as no other kids had to go through this.

He took a deep breath through his nose and used his tongue to push at the tape. It was getting loose and while he hadn't figured out exactly what he could do once the tape was off, he knew it would at least be more comfortable. He closed his eyes and thought of other things, as it often helped him to not be so scared.

There was suddenly a loud noise and lots of shouting in the house and he strained to hear what was going on. He knew the police were there, but he wasn't sure if they knew he was there.

"Colton? You up here buddy?"

He tried to yell, but the tape made it impossible. He started rocking the chair instead, making as much noise as he could, hoping they wouldn't give up and think he wasn't there and just leave. He was screaming behind the tape, crying and feeling like this was his only chance to get away, that the police might make a mistake and leave him behind.

The door flew open and Danny rushed across the room, ripping the tape off, then untying his hands and feet, freeing him from the chair.

"I gotcha, buddy. I gotcha."

"I want my mama!"

"I'll take you to her right now. Dude, I am so glad to see you."

"Where's Isa?"

"She's at home. She's just fine, but she's worried about you."

"I'm okay 'cept he hit my face hard and my head hurts. Do I look rough, Danny?"

"You look rough and tough, bud. C'mon, lets get you out of here."

Colton clung tightly to him, finding comfort in the crinkling of Danny's leather jacket.

"What day is it?" he asked as he was carried out of the house.

"It's Thursday."

"I missed so much school!" he said. "Danny is my mama okay? Is she sad? What about daddy?"

"They're all just waitin' for you to come home. Let's get you in the car, okay?"

"Please don't leave me, Danny!"

"I won't buddy. We'll let someone else drive us, okay?" Danny assured, sliding into the back of one of the cars, keeping Colton in his lap and holding onto him tightly. "You're goin' home, bud. Really, really soon."

"Can you see the cut on my head? Is it big?"

"Yeah, it's pretty big. We're going to have to have a doctor look at it," he confirmed, knowing it was infected from not being treated for so long. "We'll need to wash you up a little too. You look like you've been through war."

"I did get beated up a lot."

Danny just nodded as they drove through the streets. He wanted to wait until they were closer to the station before he called Austin because he would rather get Colton there and cleaned up a little before Lindsay and Adam saw him. They didn't need to be faced with the reality if what he'd gone through just yet.

It was a long drive in the traffic, and Colton was fighting sleep by the time they reached the precinct. Austin was on her way with Lindsay and Adam, and Danny took Colton inside quickly, through a side door and into a bathroom. He called Hawkes to come and look at his head while Colton used the facilities. They then went into one of the smaller interrogation rooms and Danny let him sit on the table while he made a few more phone calls.

"Where's my mama?" he asked after a moment. "I wanna go home."

"You will, buddy. You just gotta be patient for a bit. I'll stick right by ya, okay?"

Colton nodded as the door swung open and Hawkes and Mac entered. He shuddered a little, then blinked once and realized he was okay and they were there to help him. He sat still while Mac took pictures of his injuries and Hawkes patched him up as best as he could. There was nothing they could do about the cut on his head, it had been open too long, so it was cleaned and dressed, but there were no stitches. Hawkes told him he would have a pretty neat scar and he nodded, knowing that his daddy had a scar on his head too, so they could match. He was feeling a lot better by the time Jess came in with a sandwich for him. He gave her a big smile and took the sandwich, wishing it was one his mama had made, but being too hungry to protest.

"Hey buddy, guess who's here to see you?" Danny said, shutting his phone.

"My mama and daddy?"

"Yeah, let's go see them."

Colton grinned happily as they helped him off the table and out of the room.

* * *

"Colton!"

"Mama!"

Her feet couldn't carry her fast enough across the room and they met each other halfway and she dropped to her knees, wrapping her arms around him and holding him tighter than she ever had before. She couldn't stop the tears of relief that were streaming down her face and her hands were shaking with adrenaline. She was vaguely aware of Adam holding both of them but she didn't even know where he'd come from.

"Oh baby. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm okay, mama. I'm not hurt really that much. I missed you. I wanted to come home the whole time."

She smiled and sniffled, leaning back to look at him. He had one swollen cheek and a cut on his chin, a suspicious square of gauze at his hairline and blood on his shirt, but he was healthy and smiling and didn't look too much worse for the wear.

"Where's Isa? Is she okay? Did she get hurt? She was crying."

"She's okay buddy. She's just fine."

"I want to see her. Can I see her? Please? I have to make sure she's okay."

"I'll go get her," Danny offered. "Be right back."

Colton nodded and relaxed in his parents arms. He wasn't scared anymore and he knew that even though the man who took him was right in the other room, he couldn't get him anymore. He was safe now. He wanted to hug them and never stop and he actually started crying in relief as they both told him how much they loved him and how they'd missed him and been so worried.

"Colt?"

His head snapped up at the voice and his eyes filled with more tears as he looked over at his best friend.

"Isa!"

Lindsay let him down and the kids ran to each other, squealing and laughing and crying, wrapping their arms around each other like they would never let go.

"Are you okay? Did it hurt when he pushed you down? Were you scared? I love you."

"I love you too. I was really scared that you were never comin' home. I was so super scared Colt. I done nothin' but sit in your mama's lap while you been gone. I missed you so much. Did that man hurt you?"

"Only a little. It's okay. I am tough."

"Me too. Did I scratch you on your arm when I was holdin' on?"

"Yeah but that's okay because you was trying to save me. I am home now and we don't have to be scared no more, okay?"

She nodded and he hugged her once again, oblivious to the fact that they were being ushered into the hallway as his kidnapper was brought out of the interrogation room. Lindsay wasn't oblivious however, and rose to her feet unable to stop the whip of anger that snapped inside her. Every curse word she could think of suddenly came tumbling out of her mouth as she rushed the man, knocking him out of the officers arms and to the floor. His hands were behind his back and he couldn't break his fall or defend himself, but no one really rushed to his aid. It was like she went out of herself for a moment, screaming at him for what he had done, hitting him as hard as she could. Things were flashing before her eyes as she let into him; imagining Adam as a kid, cowered in a corner, picturing how scared Colton must have been, seeing the terror in Isa's eyes. And then suddenly the man laying on the floor was Jack Hawthorne and another wave of hatred took her over. She hit him as hard as she could wanting his face to flatten into the ground so no one would ever, ever have to be hurt by him again. She wasn't even aware of what she was saying and she shrugged off the first hands that tried to pull her away. Just when she could feel herself winding down, her hands came down and grabbed his throat, squeezing until she could see the fear in his eyes.

"How do you like that?" she asked, squeezing a little harder. He blinked and she wanted to say something else, but there were suddenly arms around her, lifting her up and away, back across the room. She fought the grip but she was so tired that once she was back in a chair she crumpled into herself, letting all the tears of the last few days flow free.

Adam sat on one side of her and Austin sat on the other and she was suddenly aware that they had been the ones to pull her away. She could feel the anxiety in Adam's embrace, and he pressed several reassuring kisses to her forehead before handing her over to Austin and standing up and crossing the room. His father was a sad mess, probably a broken nose, a split lip and bruises already forming on just about every inch of skin. Adam almost wanted to laugh at how pathetic he was, getting beat up by a girl who had never hit someone in her life, a girl who was less than half his size. There were so many things he'd wanted to say to his father, but up until this moment he'd never been brave enough. Right now though, he couldn't stop himself, and everything came out calmly, almost as if he had spent weeks planning it. He took his father down to the lowest peg with mere words and after a few moments, he walked away satisfied. He joined Lindsay again, holding his hands out for her and pulling her to her feet. He hugged her tightly, then pulled back and looked at her hands, running his fingers over her swollen knuckles before kissing them.

"Let's take him home."

* * *

They actually ended up staying at the station for several hours while Colton was interviewed. He had the option of coming back tomorrow but he said he would talk today to get it over with. He couldn't tell them much really, and there wasn't a lot they needed from him, but they did want to be thorough. It was after dinner by the time they were finally allowed to go home and Colton yawned almost constantly as they drove, asking to see Ben and Avery so he could go to bed. Lindsay carried him up the porch steps and to the front door, then set him down so they could go inside.

"Cole!" Ben shouted, jumping up from the floor and running across the room, slamming into his brother with a hug. "You are home, just like I dreamed! Are you okay?"

"Yep, I am."

"That man what stole you needs a big time out."

"Don't worry Ben. He's gettin' one."

"Coley!" Avery said, crashing into his legs. He smiled and crouched down, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off the ground.

"I missed you, Aves. You gotten bigger while I been gone."

"My Coley," she said softly, patting his face. "No bye-bye."

"Nope. I am home now. Promise."

She kissed his cheek and he set her back down on the floor while Sarah and Junior both came over to hug him too. It felt so good to be home and knowing how much they had missed him made him want to cry again, but he took a deep breath instead.

"Mama, I am so hungry. Can we eat dinner?"

"Yes, we can. What do you want to eat?"

"Just anything, mama. And I want us to all eat at the table. Everybody. And Jo should stay too. Can you stay, Jo?"

"If you want me to, buddy."

He nodded and turned back to Adam, raising his arms.

"Please hold me, daddy."

Adam smiled and picked his son up, holding him close as they all moved into the living room. He took a moment to just look at him. He had small, thin lips and a slender nose, the same one that ran in the paternal side of the family. His big brown eyes were happy yet curious, something hiding behind them.

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I am so glad to be home. So glad I could just pop."

"I'm glad too, son. Through the roof and over the moon."

"Tomorrow, after I rest, I want to talk to you and mama 'bout all this."

"Okay."

"I got some questions."

"I hope I have some answers."

* * *

Lindsay couldn't bear to be apart from him that night, insisting that all the kids pile into their bed to sleep. She needed him close and Adam had no desire for the kids to be in the other room either. The five of them snuggled up under the blankets, the kids warm and sweet smelling after their baths. The injuries to Colton's face were more apparent now that the dirt was washed off and Lindsay's stomach churned every time she looked at it too closely. It was bad enough that her baby was hurt, but added to that was the fact that this is probably how Adam had frequently looked as a kid and her heart broke tenfold.

"Hey Cole?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"How you get saved?"

"Well I was just in the house and then I heard a bunch of yelling. I closed my eyes tight to make it go away and then I heard Danny and Flack and Flack had handcuffs on that man that said he was my grampa, and Danny was takin' the ropes off my legs and my arms and then he picked me up and took me to the police station to mama and daddy."

"Why the man say he was your grampa?"

"I don't know. Grampa's is supposed to be nice and he was not nice. He hit me in the face when I said he was not my grampa because his name was not Dale and it was not Dave and those are my only grampas."

Adam and Lindsay looked at each other, silently agreeing to tell Colton the truth later, after things had settled down a little. He would probably take it just fine, but they needed to be sure before they said anything.

"Coley, love," Avery whispered with a yawn, holding on tight to him.

"I love you too. Were you scared?"

She nodded and put her pacifier back in her mouth and closed her eyes, ready to go to sleep.

"I am happy you're home Cole. I wanted to play with you."

"We could play all the day long tomorrow, okay? It will be fun. I missed playin' with you too. I didn't get to play while I was there."

"That is bad, Cole."

"Yup. I'm happy to be home now. I am never riding no bus never again."

"You never get taked again, okay? I will be upset."

"Okay, Ben. In the morning, want to play treasure hunters?"

"Yep. I draw the map firstest so you could have the treasure."

"Okay. Daddy, you wanna play with us?"

"I would love to. Maybe you guys will have to go on an adventure to find the map before you can even look for the treasure."

"Oh wow! We always play it just like the Goonies, we just find the map in the house!"

"We're taking it to a whole new level, buddy.

"What mama and sissy do?"

"I don't know, you got parts for two girls?"

"Hmm. I will think of somethin'."

"Hey Cole?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"What you done the time you was gone from us? How you not be scared?"

"Well lots of times I just thinked a lot about stuff. When I had to go to sleep I just singed in my head. All the hymn songs that mama and granna singed to us when we are sick or sad. I singed them in my head in mama's voice and then I wasn't scared and I didn't feel lonely either. But I had to sleep in the chair, so I felt uncomfortable."

"Cole you gotta sleep in your street clothes?"

"Yep, I did but they were stinky and dirty."

"Yeah. Happy to be in your 'jamas?"

"Yep. I will be happy to have life be regular again. And to go back to school. Can I go back to school on Monday, mama?"

"We'll see, honey," she answered, knowing she probably wouldn't let him go back so soon. He might be feeling ready now, but she knew that sometimes it took a while to come to terms with everything.

"I am really tired right now. Are you tired, Ben?"

"Yep, I is."

"Let's go to sleep. Night mama, I love you."

"I love you too, Colton," she said, leaning over to kiss him.

"Night, daddy. Love you."

"I love you too, buddy. Sleep good, okay?"

He nodded and the boys were asleep quickly, holding onto each other as if they would never let go. Lindsay and Adam watched the kids, all three of them sleeping peacefully, as if nothing had ever been wrong in their lives.

"It's kind of amazing, isn't it? How resilient he is?"

Adam just nodded and she reached over for his hand, squeezing it gently.

"Are you okay?"

"It just brings it all back," he said with a sigh. "I know just what it was like for him. I hate that he went through it and I hate that he'll always remember it."

"I know. But I think he'll be okay, Adam. We're going to help him with it and we're going to be there for him and we're going to make sure he's okay."

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

She gave his hand another squeeze and looked down at their son, feeling that no matter what had happened, no matter how awful it had all been, that was all outshined by the fact that he was home and safe and they were all together, now and forever.


	201. Chapter 201

The airport arrivals terminal may not have been crowded, but Lindsay was still too short to see over most people. Fortunately, her mom was aware of this and had disembarked the plane last so by the time she came around the corner, most of the people had moved on to the luggage carousel.

"Mama!"

"Oh my baby girl," Anne breathed, taking Lindsay into her arms.

They didn't say much else, just stood there together for a long time until they both realized that they looked ridiculous.

"Maybe we should-"

"Nope, still hugging," Lindsay said, not willing to let her mom go just yet.

"I don't think I'll fight it."

"Good. Just give me a few more seconds here and then I'll have it out of my system."

"Lindsay, you are my strangest child."

"I know. I'm the most like daddy."

Anne just laughed and pulled away a little, looking her daughter over carefully, trying to read her face.

"How are you doing?"

"I don't know," Lindsay admitted on a long sigh. "None of us are sleeping very well. Colton's got so many questions and we just don't know how to answer him. We knew it would be hard when he came home, but I don't think we realized it was going to be like this."

"I would offer you a piece of advice here, but I have no idea what to say."

"That's alright. I don't know if I could even understand advice right now. Let's get your bag."

They moved across the large room and retrieved the suitcase, then headed outside to the car.

"How's Adam doing with everything?" Anne asked, buckling her seatbelt as Lindsay started the car so the air conditioner could kick on.

"It's been hard for him. You know, my nightmare was Colton being gone. He's finding that the worst part for him is knowing how it felt. That's his little boy, he feels like he's supposed to always protect him and he messed up. He said that it was almost as bad as if he'd hurt Colton himself."

"No he didn't."

"Yeah. I didn't even know what to say to that, you know? I just stared at him, I couldn't believe he would feel that way because he's the best daddy in the world and I didn't understand why he felt so guilty for something that's not his fault. And now he hasn't said much about it because he doesn't think I believe in him or he thinks I blame him or something and I don't know how to assure him that I don't blame him and I feel like I'm trying to hold everything together and I can't."

"Honey, turn the car off."

Lindsay obeyed, glad she hadn't pulled out of the parking space yet, and pulled the keys out of the ignition.

"Lindsay, you have always felt like you needed to hold everything together and sometimes you do it to your own detriment. I'm not telling you not to be concerned, but it's not just you anymore, it's Adam too, and you have to lean on him a little. I have a feeling that you two are in serious need of a long talk and you've been putting it off, saying you need to worry about Colton right now. But if you want to help Colton the best that you can, you two need to do it together. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

Anne hesitated for a moment, not sure of her place, then unbuckled her seatbelt and moved a little pulling her daughter into her arms once again.

"It's going to be okay, little one. Mama's here."

Lindsay sniffled a few times and relaxed into the embrace, knowing that everything her mom had said was true. Sometimes she needed things spelled out for her, even if she already knew them. Normally Austin was the one that did that, but this time she was finding more and more that she needed her mom.

"Thank you," she said after a moment, regaining her composure. "I didn't know how badly I needed to hear that."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. Are you going to be okay to drive?"

"Yeah. We should go, the kids are dying to see you."

"Likewise. I bet they've all grown into miniature adults by now."

"At least in attitude," Lindsay said with a little chuckle, starting the car again. "Colton acts just like Adam, it's hilarious. I always catch them making the same faces. And Ben reminds me so much of daddy, he's so in tune with what people are feeling and he just has this quiet way about him."

"And Avery?"

"Avery is um… well… remember how you always used to get frustrated with me and say that you hoped I would have a kid just like me someday?"

"So she's crazy?"

"She is so weird. I won't even give you any spoilers, but suffice it to say we don't need TV anymore because she's entertainment enough."

"I can't wait."

* * *

"Ah, mama!" Avery greeted happily as they arrived home a while later.

"Hi baby. What are you doing?"

"Da woof," she explained, pointing at the dog. "Da mow-mow."

"Playing with the dog and cat, huh?"

Avery nodded and ran in place, indicating that she'd been chasing the dog again.

"Where's daddy and the boys?"

"Food."

"They're eating? I was going to make dinner."

Avery grinned and tugged on Lindsay's hand, pulling her into the dining room.

"Daddy," she announced. "Boys."

They were all at the dining room table, building pizzas on homemade crusts, piling on lots of toppings and extra sauce.

"Granna!" Colton hollered, sliding off his chair and running for his grandma. "I am so glad you are here!"

"I'm glad too. Let me look at you, honey."

He gave her a smile and she looked down at him, cupping his cheek in her hand.

"My brave boy," she whispered, amazed that he had been gone and returned, safe and sound when that was not the case for the majority of families who had to endure something similar.

"Later I will show you my cool gash," he said, pointing at the fresh gauze on his head. "It is gross and mama goes "Ew, gross!" when she has to clean it. Then I scream because it hurts and then Ben and the baby Aves cry. But it is over fast."

"Oh, I see."

"We're makin' pizzas for y'all," he continued happily. "I made this one for mama, it has a pepperoni smile. I'm gonna put on sausage eyebrows and a green pepper beard. What kind of face do you want, Granna? I could make most anything."

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe we should just come up with one together?"

"Yeah, let's do it! Here, you can sit in the chair next to me. It is Isa's chair for family dinner, but you can use it because she's not here."

"Well alright then."

"Hi Granna," Ben said, leaning across the table. "See my pizza? Dinosaur on it. Roarin'!"

"Oh my, you're like a pizza Picasso," she chuckled, looking at the random pile of ingredients on his pizza.

"Yup, that's me! Daddy make a heart pizza for sissy. See it- no! Sissy, you cannot eat it yet! Not cooked!"

Avery looked up at him with wide eyes, her hand halfway to a piece of pepperoni.  
"Don't do it, sissy. Move your hand to your pocket so you not be tempted."

Sadly, she stuck her hands in her pockets and pouted, walking over to Adam and resting her head on his leg.

"Oh, did you just get told?" he chuckled, lifting her into his lap. "Poor girl."

She rested her head against him and yawned, her long day without a nap catching up to her.

"Maybe you should have dinner and then go to bed," Adam suggested.

"No."

"Yeah, I think that might be best."

"No! Mama?"

"You heard your daddy."

Defeated, Avery curled back up against Adam and let quiet tears flow. There were days when she was dramatic to get her point across, and other days when she was like this, hoping that they would see how pitiful she could be.

"Averylin, no whining," Lindsay warned. She would never tell the kids not to cry when they were sad, but she didn't tolerate tears for attention and would rather that they try to use their words. Avery may not have had a big vocabulary, but she was no exception to the rule, and she knew that very well. Taking a deep breath, she looked up and blinked a few times.

"No night-night."

"I know you don't like to go to bed, but daddy and I both said that you'll need to soon, so that is what is going to happen. You didn't take a nap today so you're going to have to go to bed early. You don't have to go to bed until we've had dinner, so you don't need to worry about it yet, alright?"

Avery didn't understand all the words, but she understood the tone of voice and she nodded solemnly in agreement.

"Now, maybe daddy should put these pizzas in the oven and you and I can go upstairs and help Granna unpack."

Avery nodded and the girls trooped up the stairs, with the boys following behind.

"Granna, you got lots of stuffs in this suitcase?" Colton asked pulling it behind him.

"Yeah, I might."

"Presents?" Ben asked hopefully.

"You think I would fly all the way here and forget the presents?"

The boys giggled as she took the suitcase from them, setting it on the bed and opening it.

"I've got Matchbox cars for Colton and some dinosaurs for Ben, and for Avery-"

"Oh!" Avery said softly, picking up the small hand mirror that had been packed on top of the clothes. "Hi, Avery."

Lindsay chuckled as she watched her daughter patting at her hair and observing herself from all angles.

"Hi Avery," she continued, giving her mirrored image a little wave. "Hi. Hi."

"Mama, sissy think it another sissy in that thing. Another sissy what is called Avery too."

Anne and Lindsay chuckled at his observation as Avery continued to admire herself in the mirror.

"Mama. Avery pitty."

"Yes, you are pretty, but we don't want you getting a big head about it," Lindsay replied, taking the mirror from her.

"Yup, a big head like Ben!" Colton chuckled.

"No Cole! Daddy say you not tease 'bout my head no more!"

"Sorry Ben. It was just too good to pass up. At least you got a handsome face on that big head."

Ben frowned, then took the mirror from Lindsay.

"I is handsome and my head is regular," he decided. "Don't you be tellin' me no different, Cole Matthew Ross."

"Okay Ben. I am really sorry. You forgive me?"

"Yeah, I forgive ya. Let's go play."

"Thanks for the new toys, Granna! Me and Ben will write you a card later."

The boys dashed off into the other room and Anne chuckled, shaking her head.

"What?"

"They're more like you than you think."

"Was I really that weird?" Lindsay asked, lifting Avery off the bed and kissing her cheek.

"Oh honey, we have lots of talking to do."

"What do you think, Averylin? Was mama silly?"

"Mama, Ahmin silly."

"Yes, I suppose that's accurate. I think you're silly."

"Avery pitty, mama."

"Oh dear."

"Mama," Avery said again, grabbing Lindsay's face in her little hands and squishing her cheeks together. "Avery pitty."

"Okay, I understand."

"Mama boofull."

"I'm beautiful?"

Avery nodded and leaned in to kiss her cheek.

"Well thank you, sweetheart."

"My mama," she said with a nod.

"Should we go back downstairs and help daddy with dinner?"

"Daddy."

"You want to let Granna hold you?"

"Ah Granna. Hi."

"Oh sweetie, you look just like your mama."

Avery grinned and tipped her head to the side, spinning one of her curls around her finger and wrinkling her nose as she often did when she was shy.

"Yep, exactly like her."

* * *

"Mama, can I see Isa tomorrow?" Colton asked, yawning as she tucked him in.

"Yeah, we're all going to have dinner."

"I wanna see her more than that."

"I'll call Austin in the morning and we'll see what we can do. Okay?"

"When we were talking on the phone, she told me that she has scary dreams about me bein' taken away again. I want to talk to her calm like you do for Ben until she doesn't have dreams anymore."

"Oh Colton."

"It's my fault she has the dreams."

"No it's not. It's not your fault that she's scared and it's not your job to make her feel better. Your job is to just be her best friend. Austin and Danny can take care of her."

"Mama, if Austin was havin' bad dreams, wouldn't you try to fix it?"

"Of course I would, but this is different."

"Why? Because I am just a little boy?" he asked, sitting up in bed. "I am not a little boy anymore, mama! I am brave and smart and I am not scared about anything anymore! I can protect myself and now I need to protect Isa from the dreams. Don't you understand what best friends do, mama?"

She took his hands in hers and looked deeply into his eyes, hoping that the words would come to her because she had no idea what to say.

"Colton, I need you to listen to me right now. I know that what happened to you was bad and I know that it's affected everyone, but that doesn't make it your fault. Do you understand me?"

"Yes, mama."

"I don't want you to feel guilty about Isa's bad dreams, alright? They happen because she loves you, but they will go away eventually. All she needs is for you to love her and be her best friend. And it's okay for you to be afraid or sad about it too."

"I'm not afraid or sad, mama. I am brave. Not a little scaredy-cat."

"Honey-"

"Mama, I am a big kid okay? Do you understand?"

She knew exactly what he was doing because she'd done the same thing herself. Be adamant that you were fine so no one would ever guess how scared you were. He was even better at it than she had been and she wanted to tell him that she knew what he was doing, but she knew he wasn't going to listen right now. He needed to feel like he was fine and brave and strong and he needed to get to the place where he realized he wasn't fine anymore. She couldn't do that for him.

"Okay son, I understand. Lay back down, it's time to go to sleep."

He was still disgruntled as she tucked him in and kissed his cheek, telling him how much she loved him and that she would see him in the morning. Quietly, she left the room, leaning against the wall and taking a deep breath.

"Someone sounds like his mama," Anne said softly, having overheard the whole thing while she was rocking Avery to sleep.

"I am so sorry, mom."

"It's okay, honey. You were hurting and confused and your dad and I didn't know what to do. No one blames you for how you coped with it."

"I don't want him to be like me. I don't want him to bury it all like I did. I was so messed up, mom, I don't want him to be like that."

"I know you don't. And he won't be because he has you to be there for him and understand a little of what he's going through."

"I don't know what to say or do for him."

"That's okay. Neither did I. Of course, I just gave up instead of trying to figure it out, but I know you, and you're not going to do that. You're so much braver than I was, I just sat there scared that I would ruin you if I tried anything, so I just backed off."

"I didn't know that. I thought it was because you didn't want to help me."

"I did want to help you, Lindsay, and I would have done anything, I just didn't know what was best, so I didn't try anything."

"I held that against you for a long time. I shouldn't have. I should have realized that you were floundering just as much as I was."

"It's okay. I think we both messed up a little, but I think we were strong enough to come out the other side still intact."

Lindsay nodded, feeling the emotion bubble up in her chest, wanting to hug her mom and never let go because she finally understood. She wanted to make up for all of it, for all the years of being distant, for all the moments they'd never shared due to her own stubbornness and selfish hurts. She couldn't spill it all this moment, here in the hallway where the kids might hear. But she wasn't going to let her mom get back on that plane without saying it all.

"Sweetie, can I go talk to him?"

"Are you sure?"

"I think he needs to hear some things."

"Yeah, okay."

Lindsay wanted to stand by the door and listen, but she needed to trust her mom in this moment, so she walked quietly downstairs, leaving them to their discussion.

"Hey Colton."

"Hi Granna. You came to say goodnight?"

"Yeah. Can we talk for a minute?"

"Yep!"

She sat down on the bed and moved his hair back from his face, taking a deep breath before she started.

"You know, when your mama was a teenager, she went through something really, really scary."

"What kind of thing, Granna?"

"I'll let her tell you that someday, but all you need to know is that it was scary for her. And after it happened, she was still scared. She had bad dreams and she was really, really sad for a very long time."

"She wasn't brave?"

"Of course she was brave. Your mama is the bravest person I know. The problem is that she didn't ask for help. She didn't tell us she was still scared. You know, she told us she was fine and brave all the time. She didn't need help. But honey, she really did need help and because she didn't ask for it, bad things happened."

"What bad things?"

"Your mama was angry all the time. She didn't want to talk to me or to your papa. She started doing dangerous things a lot because she just didn't care about herself anymore. And she thought that the bad thing that happened was all her fault."

"Why are you tellin' me about this?"

"Because sweetie, I want to tell you what I should have told your mama back then. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to ask for help. It doesn't mean you're a baby or you're not brave. What happened is not your fault."

"But I am a big boy. Big boys don't cry. Especially about this stuff. Because that man can't get me and it's all over now."

"So do you think that your mama wasn't being brave?"

"Well… no. But that was different."

"How?"

"Well Granna I haven't exactly figured that part out yet."

"Colton, I know you're brave. All of us know that. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're scared and you will feel much better if you're honest about it. Just think about that for now. I'll see you in the morning."

"Okay, Granna. I think you are wrong, but I will also take it into my thoughts because that is the right thing to do when you disagree."

"That's very grown up of you. Sleep good, honey."

"Night. I love you."

"I love you too."

She slipped out of the room and he sighed, turning over to lay on his stomach. He had a strange feeling in his whole body, one that had been there for the last day. It made his eyes blink a lot and it made his breathing faster and he wondered why he felt like this. Sometimes he wanted to crawl into his daddy's lap and stay there for a long time where nothing bad could ever happen. Other times he just wanted to talk to his mama, just so he could hear her voice over and over and over again. It made him feel calm and safe.

They were right. He was very brave and he could face anything now, but maybe it was okay to still have moments of being scared. He thought about it for a while, the way that daddy got upset sometimes and how he had been very quiet lately. He thought about mama and how she had nightmares and sad days. They were grown ups and they were very brave, so maybe it really was okay. But just in case they weren't, he was going to make sure he didn't cry in front of anyone.

* * *

"Adam, are you asleep?"

He mumbled something and rolled onto his back, rubbing his eyes.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Then why did you ask if I was awake?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"Sorry. Go back to sleep."

"No, you asked for a reason. What's up?"

"Can we talk?"

"Linds, I know what you want to talk about and I just don't feel like it, okay? Go to sleep."

"Adam, don't you think-"

"I said go to sleep, Lindsay."

She closed her mouth and settled back into bed for a moment, feeling anger burning in her chest. Sure, they hadn't talked yet and that was her fault just as much as his, but she hadn't banked on him shutting her down so fast. Normally she would have just waited until he was ready, but that didn't always work so well.

"No Adam, I'm not just going to go to sleep," she said finally, sitting up and crossing her arms. "We need to talk. You know we do."

"Lindsay, we're just going to talk in circles. Let's not bother."

"Okay, you don't want to talk? Fine. You just lay there and act like nothings wrong and we're not falling apart. But I'm going to talk," she said, standing up from the bed and pacing back and forth. "You act like you're the only one that's feeling anything anymore, like you're dealing with it all by yourself. You seem to think that because of what you went through as a kid, that gives you some kind of license to hide behind this one event and never speak to me about anything of importance again. Our son needs us, Adam! He needs us to work together to help him and you're just sitting there silently watching it all happen. And now he's doing the same thing. He's just like you and he knows it and he's taking his cues from you. If you won't talk then neither will he so how is this going to get any better?"

"Lindsay, you don't understand what it was like back then and you don't get it now either. You don't know what it's like to look down at your kid and see the same horror in his eyes that you saw in the mirror every day. You have no idea how that feels and you have no right to tell me how I should be handling this."

"So you're just going to sit there and lick your wounds and let him deal with it on his own? You know what it feels like to deal with it by yourself, why would you make him do that too? He's your son, Adam, he's supposed to come first."

"Don't you dare say that I don't put him first!" he hollered, standing up from the bed. "I'm a good father, I would never neglect my son."

"I didn't say you were but you're headed down that road. I don't care what your father did to you or how much it hurts or what kind of memories you still have. You've had years to deal with that and I think you can put it away for a while and be there for your son. And if you can't do that, you're not the man I thought you were."

They stood there silently for a while, breathing heavily, the air thick and full between them. They'd fought before, bad ones even, but nothing vicious like this. She wanted to take it all back and tell him she didn't really think that, but she knew that wouldn't be a good idea. He needed to realize what he was doing and how it made him look.

He was still angry and he moved towards the door, hoping to at least pace downstairs and cool off. She blocked his path, her lips set in a determined line, her hands nearly shaking with adrenaline.

"You're not walking away from this Adam. You're not walking away from me. Not right now. You need to face this because you never have. You had horrible things done to you, Adam and they weren't your fault. Colton getting taken was not your fault. You can't change any of that. What you can change is now and how you're going to deal with it. I'm not the best at this either, I have no idea what to do, and I need you to help me."

"Why would you want me to help you? If I'm such a bad father-"

"No. You are not a bad father. You're not. But you can't keep doing this. You've got to help me hold things together or we're all going to fall apart. Don't let us fall apart."

She didn't realize that tears were running down her cheeks until his started to fall too.

"I love you and I know you can do this. But I can't argue with you like this again. We can't be two separate people wandering aimlessly through it. We have to be united."

He took a deep breath and turned, walking across the room and sitting down in the window seat, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands covering his face.

"I'm sorry, Lindsay. I know you're right. I just don't know where to start."

Slowly she walked across the room and knelt down in front of him, moving his hands and meeting his eyes.

"I think we have to tell him. Everything."

"No."

"Adam, he needs to know. I don't want to take that innocence away from him either, but if we don't tell him now, he's always going to think we lied to him. He's old enough to hear it."

"How do we tell him?"

"Gently. But we tell him the truth. Just the way you told me."

He nodded and she moved closer, wrapping her arms around him and holding on as tightly as she could.

"I'm sorry I said what I said, Adam. I'm sorry that I don't understand. You are the best father in the world and you're the only one that can get him through this. You're the only person I want on my team, okay?"

"I'm sorry for not being there."

"It's okay. We just can't let it get like this again. We have to talk about it."

"I will."

"You've got to keep me in check too. You may have to teach him how to talk about it, but I have to show him it's okay to be scared or angry or whatever else he's feeling. And that scares me because I'm going to have to face the fact that I feel those things too. You can't let me chicken out, and I won't let you clam up."

"Deal," he said, giving her a little grin. He knew that the things she'd said and the ferocity with which she'd said them were not borne of hatred or anger, but out of love for her family and the desperation to keep them all together and happy. He loved her more for it, for fighting that hard even when it wasn't easy.

"We need to come up with a plan," she said quietly. "And we need to get help because we can't do it all on our own."

"I know."

"I love you, Adam. I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens. Do you believe me?"

"Yes."

"I know we have more to talk about but I don't think we're going to get much accomplished tonight."

"I don't either. Let's sleep on all of it and in the morning we'll have a coffee date on the front porch and we'll figure out our plan of attack."

She nodded and they walked back over to the bed, adjusting the blankets and sliding in beneath them, moving closer to each other and finding comfortable spots in the middle of the mattress.

"We're going to be okay, Linds. I promise."

"Just keep telling me that because I'm scared to death."

"We're going to be okay."


	202. Chapter 202

"Hey, good mornin' guys," Colton greeted, poking his head out the front door. "What are y'all doin' out here?"

"We're just talking," Adam answered from the porch swing, setting his coffee down on the windowsill. "Want to come join us?"

"Okay. Granna is feedin' breakfast to Ben and Aves. Did you eat breakfast yet?" he asked, climbing up between them.

"No, not yet."

"So what are you talkin' about?" he said, taking a sip of Lindsay's coffee.

"Oh, lots of things," Lindsay said hesitantly. "Mostly we were just wondering if you had any questions about what happened."

He sighed and thought for a moment, tapping his chin and staring off into space.

"Is that man going to stay in jail? What if the judge says he can leave?"

"He's staying in jail, honey. He can't ever get to you again."

"Well do we have to go to court? And talk to the lawyer and judge? I want to. I want to tell them all what happened. I don't want that man to lie about anything. I want them to know the real truth."

"They know the truth, sweetie. They know that he took you."

"I know, but I want to tell them about how he hurt me. I want him to get punished more. I want him to go to jail for a very long time. I don't want him to get out later like sometimes other bad guys do. I don't want him to ever take no other kids!"

"He won't-"

"I have to tell them! I cannot be a cop or a judge or nobody, but I could tell the truth. I am the only person what knows it! Me and him. And he would lie. So this is my job. You get it?"

"I get it, honey. I understand how important it is to tell what happened," Lindsay assured. "But you need to trust me and daddy right now. We are here to listen to you, but you might not have to tell your story in front of anyone, okay?"

"I want to. Just remember I want to when you are makin' your decisions, okay?"

"Okay sweetheart. We'll remember. Do you have any other questions?"

"Yes. I just want to make sure of something. That man hurt me, but other kids don't ever get hurt, right? Because it is wrong for grownups to hurt kids and they know that and no other kids ever get hurt by a grownup, right?"

They were quiet, hating to tell him the truth, surprised that he was old enough and wise enough to ask the question and to be ready for the answer. Lindsay knew Adam couldn't speak the words and it was up to her to say it.

"Colton, unfortunately, it does happen to other kids."

"Why?"

"Because people are bad. It's not fair."

"How come the police don't stop them?" he questioned, his eyes full of tears.

"Sometimes they do. But a lot of times they don't even know it's happening. People keep it a secret. Sometimes no one says a word about it. Sometimes the kids don't even know it's wrong, or they think it's their fault."

"But why? Why do some kids get hurt? Why them? How come you and daddy don't hurt me and Ben and Aves but other kids get hurt by their mama's and daddies? How come other kids and not us? It's not fair! Other kids should not get hurt! I will get hurt for them. No one else should ever get hurt again!"

"I don't have the answers, Colton," Lindsay confessed, wrapping her arms around him. "I don't think there really are any good answers. You are absolutely right, no one should get hurt. It's not fair and that's part of the reason that daddy and I do the job we do, so we can make sure the bad people go to jail and they don't hurt anyone else."

He sniffled and wiped his eyes, feeling angrier than he ever had.

"Do you think that man ever hurt any other kids?"

"Yes, he did."

"I want to hurt him back. I know it is wrong of me, but I want to hurt him back real bad."

"I do too," Adam said softly.

"Really, daddy?"

"Yes, really. It's hard to make that feeling go away."

"Can I ask another question?"

"You can ask as many questions as you want."

"Well, I was wonderin' why that man said he was my grandpa. But I don't know if you know the answer to that."

"Actually honey, we do know the answer."

"You do? Well why did he say it?"

They both took deep breaths and Lindsay reached over for Adam's hand, giving him support because he was the only one who could tell this part of the story.

"Colton, you remember how grandpa Dave isn't my real dad? He's my step-dad."

"Yeah, but you said that don't matter because your real daddy was not nice and grandpa was a good daddy to you even though you were a grown up."

"Yeah, that's right. The reason that man said that he was your grandpa is because he is my real dad."

"No!"

"Yes, he is."

"No! He is a bad man! He is really bad, daddy! He can't be your real dad!"

"He is though. I wish I could change it but I can't."

"I don't understand. I don't like this."

"Colton, when I was little, my dad was a bully. He was mean to me just like he was to you."

"He hurt you?"

"Yes, he did."

"No! No, it's not true!" Colton shouted, starting to cry. "It's not fair! I don't believe you!"

"Colton-"

"No daddy! It could not happen to you! Never, never! I'm gonna hurt him back even more, I really am! Nobody hurts my daddy. I will punch that man in the face, I will hurt him just like he hurt us!"

He tried to get up but Adam held him back.

"You can't do that, Colton," he said quietly, breathing through his own tears.

"Why did that happen daddy?" he lamented quietly, sobs shaking his body. "What did we do wrong?"

"We didn't do anything wrong, Colton. That man is just very bad."

"I love you. You are the best daddy in the entire world. I love you very much."

"I love you too, son."

"Thank you for not being like him, daddy."

They sat like that for a while, both of them crying through the pain and confusion until they calmed back down. Lindsay was barely holding it together at this point, but she knew they needed her to be strong and let them feel things right now. Later she could cry with them, but at this moment they needed to lean on her.

"Daddy, how much did he hurt you?"

"He hurt me a lot, son. For a lot of years, every day."

"Was it scary?"

"Yes, it was."

"Did Gigi know?"

"Yes. And she tried to protect me as best as she could but sometimes he hurt her too."

"How come you didn't run away?"

"We did eventually. We ran away and we never got hurt by him again."

"I am glad for that, daddy. But I am really sad about the rest of it. Did you ever get hurt when you were little, mama?"

"No, I didn't."

"Did Danny get hurt when he was a kid?"

"No," Lindsay answered, hoping he wouldn't ask what she was certain was coming next.

"What about Austin?"

"Yes, she did."

He seemed to almost wilt at that, angrily rubbing the last tears from his eyes.

"I need to tell Isa."

"No, you don't. What happened to Austin, that's her story to tell. Just like you want to tell your story, she needs to tell hers when she's ready. Don't do it for her."

"Okay. I am going to just hug Austin really big when I see her tonight."

"That's a good idea."

He sniffled and leaned back against them, breathing deeply as he tried to come to terms with what he'd just heard. It was so much information to take in, and it wasn't just facts either. He felt old now, not like a kid anymore. He felt like all the bad things in the world were more than the good things. And he didn't want it to be that way. He didn't want Ben and Avery to ever feel like this. He was going to make sure that they had all good things in their lives, so they would never see the bad stuff. And someday, when he was a grownup, he would make sure of that for his own kids. The world would be good again and he needed to start changing it now.

* * *

"Hey Messers!" Colton and Ben chorused, opening Danny and Austin's front door later that night.

"We are here. We brunged our Granna," Ben announced proudly. "What's for dinner?"

Austin laughed as she came around the corner, a big spoon in her hand.

"A big pile of burnt if your mama doesn't get in here and rescue me like she's the Bare-Foot Contessa."

"You should learn to cook, Austin," Ben sighed. "Or you will make us all sick."

"Thanks for the support, buddy," she laughed, picking him up and kissing his cheek. "Daniel's in his bedroom playing with his daddy if you want to go in there."

"Okay. Hey Dunner!" he shouted, making his way into the bedroom.

"Austin's where's Isa? I gotta talk to her."

"She's in her room with Sarah."

"Will Sarah be mad if I just wanna talk to Isa?"

"No, that's fine. Go ahead."

He went into the other room and Avery wiggled down from Adam's arms, toddling off in search of Sarah.

"Well now that the children are occupied, what say you come into the kitchen and save our dinner?"

"What say we just make that into a t-shirt so you don't have to waste your breath asking again?"

"Why are you so sassy?"

"Why are you questioning this? Mom, you'd better come in here and keep the peace."

Anne chuckled and followed them while Adam made his way down the hall, wanting to make sure that Colton wasn't telling Isa too much.

The kids were sitting in the bathroom doorway, both leaned up against the doorjamb, legs criss-crossed and knees touching. They looked very serious and Colton reached out for Isa's hand.

"You don't got that brace on it no more?"

"Nah. They said it was just swollen and it's okay now. I just have to be careful."

He rubbed over her arm thoughtfully then took a deep breath.

"Isa, I have to tell you some stuff. And it's not good stuff. It's bad."

"What do you have to tell me Colt?"

"First I have to tell you that the bad man is my daddy's real dad."

"I knowed that already. Indy told me."

"He hitted me a lot, Isa. And he hitted my daddy when he was little. And you know what else? Lots of kids get hitted by grownups. Lots of them. Other people don't have parents that love them like we do. And other kids get hurt."

"Why?"

"Mama says it's because people are bad. It makes me very mad, Isa. And I don't want to be mad like those bad people are. So I need your help."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Make sure that I don't stay mad. I want to make the world very good and if I am always mad, then I can't do that."

"So I have to make you laugh lots?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. It is time for me to tickle you!"

He shouted with laughter as she flew at him, tickling his sides and wrestling him to the floor. He tickled her back and they rolled around in the hallway for a few moments before they were joined by the rest of the kids, who decided that they needed to take part in the laughing and tickling as well.

"It's good to have them all back together, isn't it?" Danny asked, appearing at Adam's side.

"Yeah, it is."

"Come on, we can watch the sports highlights if we make it out there before the hens catch us."

"Always a good option," Adam agreed, following him into the other room.

The kids continued their rough playing until it was time for dinner. They all clambered onto their chairs, shouting about how hungry they were and how much they wanted to eat.

"Binyin eats my corn," Junior explained, pushing his vegetables onto Ben's plate. "I eat Binyin's cel'ry."

"I have all the kids carrots," Sarah added. "Averylin eats the potatoes."

"And me and Isa eat all the other stuff!" Colton finished. "That's how we clean our plates, Granna. Teamwork. Except sometimes Aves puts food down her diaper."

Avery looked up when she heard her name, grinning widely and holding up a dinner roll.

"Mine!" she said, opening it up and licking the butter out of the middle. "Yum!"

"Well at least you've got a system," Anne chuckled, watching as the kids dumped the bits of food they didn't want onto the plates of someone who did want it. "Aren't you worried about germs?"

"Nah. Germs are okay. We love each other enough."

* * *

"Well you see I only looked away for a second," Sarah said quietly, shaking her head. "And the next thing I knowed, Averylin was covered in markers. Are you mad at me, auntie?"

"Why would I be mad at you, Sarahlove?" Lindsay asked with a chuckle. "You don't know how many times Avery's gotten away from me and done something wrong. That's just what happens when you have kids. Besides, it's not your job to make sure she stays out of trouble."

"But she is so messy."

"It's okay. She'll have a bath tonight."

Sarah sighed and shook her head.

"Averylin, you are crazy."

"Sayuh, play?"

"I will play with you when you are all cleaned up. I will be in my room."

She headed off and Avery pouted, holding her hands out so Lindsay would clean them faster.

"Mama, go."

"How about next time you don't color on yourself, and then you'll be able to just keep playing?"

"Ah color."

"Yeah, you're so artistic. But let's not color on our skin, alright?"

"Right mama. Play?"

"Alright, go play."

Avery toddled off, shrieking happily as she made her way down the hall.

"Indy, Avery looks like she's from that one movie that's like Pocahontas but with blue people. You know what I mean?" Isa said, kneeling in front of the bookshelf. "That aviation or whatever."

"She means _Avatar_," Colton laughed as he went into the kitchen. "You're crazy, Isa."

She made a face at him and he laughed again before ducking into the kitchen, finding Austin at the sink. He wrapped his arm around her waist, leaning his head on her hip while she finished scrubbing one of the pots from dinner. She finally finished up and dried her hands on a kitchen towel before running her fingers through his hair.

"You okay there bud?" she asked, running her finger over the red and swollen skin on his forehead that housed the most obvious sign of what had happened. He looked up at her and sighed and she let go of him for just a moment top hop up onto the counter. Grinning, he climbed up with her, leaning into her side.

"I talked to my mama and daddy this mornin'," he started, swinging his legs back and forth. "And we talked about how the bad man hurt my daddy when he was little. They said it happens to other kids too and sometimes no one can stop it. And even the cops don't know about it."

"That's right," she said quietly. "Sometimes we can't but whenever we can, we work very, very hard to make sure that it doesn't happen to that kid ever again."

"Mama said that she wasn't hurt like daddy was," he continued, taking a deep breath and holding it in for a little longer than normal before letting it go. "And she said that Danny didn't get hurt either. But she said that you did."

Austin's breath almost left her, and she wasn't sure what to think. Everyone who knew what had happened to her had been told by someone else. Adam and Lindsay were the only people she'd really spoken the words to, and that had been hard enough. But to look down at this little innocent boy, the one whose very existence had pulled her back to reality and taught her how to love and to have to tell him the awful truth nearly crushed her.

"Yes Colton. I was hurt a lot by my dad when I was little."

He nodded and thought for a minute, chewing on his bottom lip the same way Lindsay did.

"It's not fair, Austin."

"I know it's not. But if it makes you feel better, I got away and my dad never hurt me ever again. Your daddy got away too and so did you."

"We are pretty brave, aren't we?"

"Yes. And you, Colton Matthew Ross are the bravest kid I know."

"I am?"

"You're my hero, buddy."

"No, you're tellin' stories," he said shyly pulling away from her hug just a little.

"Nope, it's the gospel truth. You're my super hero, buddy. Just don't tell uncle Danny."

"I love you, Austin," he said solemnly, returning her hug.

"I love you too, Colton."

They stayed motionless for a moment before he lifted his head and whispered in her ear.

"I won't tell Isa about this. Because it is your story and you are the only one who could tell it to her. I promise."

"Thank you, buddy."

She knew how hard it was for him to keep something from Isa, but she also knew that he never made certain promises like this. He always just said he would try his best. But this one, she knew he would keep.

"You know what I think Austin?"

"What?"

"I think that kids who get hurt like that don't know how to love as good. And I think that you and daddy are very brave and smart and gots huge hearts because you love bigger than most people in the whole world, even good people. And I am glad you are not angry about it and you've done forgiving because that will teach me and the other kids to do forgiving. And mama says that's the hardest part but you have to do it because it makes you a better person. So you did a very hard thing by not living an angry and mean life and doing forgiving."

She gulped back a round of tears at his innocent observations, knowing he was right. It was hard, and for the first time, she allowed herself some credit for not letting what her father had done to her shape her life negatively. Sure there were obstacles, but she was not the person he said she was, not the person his abuse tried to make her.

"And you know what I decided?" he asked, his eyes lighting up as he moved on to a happier subject.

"What did you decide?"

"Well I want to make the world good. And I know I can't stop all the bad people from hurting kids. But I decided that instead of bein' a regular doctor, I am going to be a doctor for kids. And so when they come to me because they are hurt from bad people, I will be able to fix them and tell them that it is okay and not to be scared because I know about it and I will make sure that the bad person gets punished. I will do everything I can to keep all those kids safe."

"Colton, I have never been more proud of anyone than I am of you right now."

"You don't gotta be proud of me, Austin. All the people in the world should want to be like that. I am not nothing special to be proud of."

"Yes you are, Colton. You are someone amazing, and don't you ever think different."

"Okay, if you insist," he agreed with a smile while she ruffled his hair. "I love you, Austin."

"I love you too, Colton."

"I'm gonna go play now," he said, sliding off the counter. "Thanks for talkin' to me."

She leaned down and kissed him quickly before he tore off into the other room, leaving her to catch her breath and her emotions. She wiped her eyes on the dishtowel, then hopped off the counter and went back into the living room.

"Hey," Lindsay greeted as Austin plopped down on the couch next to her.

"Hey. Did you know that you have quite possibly the sweetest, wisest, strongest, bravest, most loving little boy in all the world?"

"I know. I can't even believe it. Sometimes I look at him and wonder how in the heck he's even related to me. I hope I didn't step on your toes by telling him all that."

"No, you didn't," Austin answered, moving Lindsay's arm and snuggling into her side. "I actually think it was good for me."

"Alls well that ends well I guess."

"How are you holding up?"

"Oh, you know, just one day at a time and I'll tell you the real answer later."

Austin just nodded, pretty sure that the real answer was something that couldn't be put into simple words, at least not right now.

"We have to go down and talk to a lawyer tomorrow. And we have to figure out when Colton should go back to school, or if he can stay out for the last two weeks. I don't know which is better for him anyway. And I need to make an appointment for him so he can talk to someone about this because I don't want there to be residual stuff left over that he never deals with until he's in his thirties or something. I guess I thought that once he was home we would have time to relax and get everyone's heads on straight again, but that hasn't been the case so far."

"No one wrote a book on what to do, Linds."

"I am well aware of that."

"I'm just saying that no one wrote anything so there aren't any rules, so all you have to do is what feels right for you guys. As long as you're all comfortable and safe, that's all that matters."

"I really, really love you."

"I thought you might. You know what might be good?"

"Hmm?"

"That beach vacation we talked about. I checked that one vacation house last week and it's still open the week after the fourth of July. If we can all get our time off worked out, we should do it. The kids would love it, and we all need to get away."

"I'll talk to Adam. Other than time off of work, I think we could do it."

"Good. I'll get us all squared away on this end. I highly doubt Mac will deny you guys your vacation days at least."

Lindsay smiled and nodded, already smelling the salt air and feeling the healing power of the waves crashing against her ankles.

"It's a plan. We're going."

"And everything will be perfectly right with the world again."


	203. Chapter 203

A/N: Thank you to all you readers for always being supportive and respectful and never hiding behind having no account in order to tell me that I suck and am the worst person on the planet. I am never writing anything for this fandom again, except this story. Nothing else is safe. People are evil and mean and selfish and childish and… well anyway, that's all.

* * *

"Mama, I am done with my test!" Colton announced from the dining room. "I even checked all my answers. Can I come in there?"

"Yep, just put your test on the counter so we don't lose it."

He hopped off his chair and took the test over to the counter and set his pencil next to it. They had all decided together that he didn't need to go back to school, but he could finish up his schoolwork at home. He kind of liked it this way, at least for a little while. It was fun to have mama and daddy teach him things and he liked being able to spend time with them after Avery and Ben were asleep. But he would be ready to go back to his regular school after the summer, and see his friends.

"So what's goin' on out here?" he asked joining Lindsay and Ben in the living room.

"We is jus' foldin' all this clothes piles and watchin' this show 'bout aminals in the ocean. That's what me and mama watch together."

"Can I watch too?"

"Yup! You can fold the big towels."

"Okay Ben. Where's Aves?"

"She was just here a second ago," Lindsay sighed, matching a pair of socks. "Averylin, where are you?"

They heard giggling from the laundry room and Lindsay waited to see of there was going to be more of an answer. There wasn't.  
"Honey, what are you doing in there? Are you spilling soap again?"

"Ah mama. See Avery!"

The three of them stood up and went into the laundry room to investigate Avery's latest escapade. She was sitting in one of the laundry baskets, wearing just her diaper, and one of Lindsay's nylons on her head.

"Aves, you look like a robber!" Colton laughed, looking at her smushed face.

"Mama, she gots daddy's socks on her fat legs!" Ben giggled. "Lookit how her legs is more fatter at the top!"

Avery giggled and poked at her chubby legs then grabbed the top of the nylon, trying to pull it off. All it did was stretch out and in one moment, her face went from amused and adventurous to scared and sad.

"She's stuck!" Colton squealed, clapping his hands. "Loot at her face! It's okay Aves, don't cry. This is funny!"

He ran into the other room, grabbing Lindsay's phone and bringing it back to take a picture of his little sister's predicament.

"You are so crazy Aves," he said as she tried again to get the nylon off. It didn't budge and she let out a scream of frustration, slamming her fists against the laundry basket.

"Okay, okay, I'll help you," Lindsay said, holding back her own laughter and taking the nylon off of Avery's head. "There, is that better?"

"No funny," she replied, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"We won't laugh at you anymore. Do you want to take daddy's socks off your legs?"

"No! Mine."

"Okay, whatever. Maybe it's time for some lunch."

"I like lunch," Ben noted as they all went into the kitchen. "Like dinner better, but I like lunch more'n breakfast."

"So your day just gets better and better," Colton deduced, climbing up onto the barstool.

"Yep, it do. What are we eatin' mama?"

"I don't know, what do you want?"

"We can have leftover spagatanni granna maked a'fore she goed home?" Ben asked, opening the fridge and pointing to the covered glass bowl. "I like that stuff. Gots real live 'matoes in it."

"Live tomatoes, huh?" Lindsay chuckled, pulling the dish out of the fridge.

"Yup. Like the tomato Bob, from our movies."

"Oh, I see. What else should we have with our lunch?"

"Bread and some fruit," Colton suggested, watching Avery as she spun in a slow circle.

Lindsay put the spaghetti in a pot to heat up, then found some fruit in the fridge and washed it.

"Hey mama? Where am I goin' this afternoon?" Colton asked, seeing his name and a time on the calendar. "To the lawyer again?"

"No, today you're going to go talk to my friend Emily. She's a doctor."

"Am I sick?"

"No, she's a different kind of doctor. Remember how sometimes my brain gets sick? Emily is the doctor that helps me to fix it."

"My brain is not sick, mama."

"I know. She's just going to tell us what we can do to make things easier for you."

"What do I have to do?"

"She just wants to talk to you."

"And she made you better before right?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I could talk to her. Does she have candy?"

"Actually, yes she does."

"Well that is what we in the biz like to call a fair trade."

Lindsay snickered and walked across the room to hug him.

"I'm really proud of you, Colton."

"That's what everybody keeps sayin'."

"You're a very brave boy."

"I think so too. Could I have milk to drink?"

She chuckled and ran her fingers through his hair. He was going to be just fine.

* * *

"You got a pretty nice place here, Miss Emily," Colton said with a nod as he sat down on the couch. "No wonder my mama likes it here."

"Well thank you, Colton."

"Mama said you want to talk to me. About everything that happened and stuff."

"If you want to. If you don't feel like it, we can talk about some other things."

He sat back in his chair and tapped his chin thoughtfully for a moment.

"Could I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can, Colton."

"I would like to know why you grew up to be a doctor like this."

"No one's ever asked me that question before. Why would you like to know?"

"Because I am gonna grow up and be a doctor for kids. And I want to know because you are a doctor for minds. And I never thinked about that before."

"I just wanted to do something that would help people. I was going to be a doctor like you want to be, but then I found out that I liked this kind of being a doctor even better. I like to talk to people and help them with their problems."

"Oh! That's just like me! Except I want to fix their hurts too. Mama says that everyone needs both kinds of doctors."

"Yeah, she's right."

"Have you ever talked to a kid that got hurt by someone before?"

"Yes, I have."

"Were they scared?"

"Yes, they were. It's okay to be scared. Getting hurt by a grownup is probably the scariest thing a kid can go through."

"Okay. Sometimes I have scared times. Like right before I go to sleep. And right when I wake up. I think sometimes that the man will come back. My head knows he won't because he is in jail, but sometimes it forgets and it makes me scared."

"That's perfectly normal, Colton. It's good for you to remind yourself that it's all over and you can't get hurt again."

"I feel better when I tell myself that in my head."

She nodded and made a little note on her paper.

"Miss Emily, are you gonna tell my mama and daddy what I am saying?"

"I won't tell them anything you don't want them to know."

"Could you keep a secret for me?"

"Sure."

"I don't like how everybody keeps saying they are all proud of me and that I am brave and stuff."

"Why not? Do you think you're not brave?"

"No, I know I am brave. I just think that other people are even braver. And they don't have to keep sayin' it, even though they are bein' nice. And I like that they are proud, but it makes me feel funny when they say it because I didn't even do nothing much. I just sitted there the whole time. I didn't do a thing."

"Maybe they are proud of you because of how well you're handling it."

"But I am just bein' me. Bein' proud should be for something special. Like if I had arrested that man myself. Or if I had escaped. Or if I didn't let Isa fall and get hurt."

"Does it bother you that Isa fell and got hurt?"

He nodded vigorously as a few tears sprang to his eyes.

"She was wearin' a thing on her arm for a while. Because it was hurt. She was tryin' so hard to save me and she got hurt. They should all be proud of her for doin' her best and tellin' them what the man looked like. Isa is the brave one. Not me."

"You really love Isa, don't you?"

"She is my best friend. If someone taked her, I would be so sad and mad and scared. But she runned and telled my mama and was brave for a lot of days while I was gone."

"Did you tell her all this?"

"No, she doesn't like when people compliment her. Maybe I should tell her anyway?"

"I think it might be a good idea."

"I will do that next time I see her."

"That's a good plan."

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Absolutely."

"When will my life be all regular again?"

"I don't know that it will go back to being the same, but that doesn't mean it's going to be a bad life. What do you want to change?"

"Well, I am the big brother. Ben and Aves, they are the littler kids. It is my job to help them and give them advice and just be a good big brother, you know? But sometimes in the night Ben wakes up and he checks on me. And he asks me if I am okay. But I am the big brother, so I should check on him, right?"

"Not necessarily. You might be the big brother, but being a brother means that you both take care of each other. Don't you think it's good that Ben wants to take care of you? It means that you've been a good brother and you've taught him well."

"Hey yeah! I never thought of that before! That's okay for Ben to check on me then. And now he can be a good big brother for Aves! That is somethin' that they can be proud of me for. I am a good big brother."

Emily gave him a smile and his legs swayed back and forth on the couch for a moment.

"You know what? I really want that man to go to jail. Really a lot. He hurt my daddy and he hurt me. And I think he should go to jail forever. But that is not being very forgiving, is it?"

"That man needs to be punished for what he did, whether you forgive him or not."

"Just like how when I get a time out, mama and daddy forgive me for what I done?"

"Yes, just like that."

"Okay. I didn't understand that before. I forgive him then because I don't want any hate in my heart. It makes my heart heavy and then it can't be used as good for loving."

Emily sat in near shock. She'd had so many patients, adults that still held onto things that happened to them, people who could not grasp this concept and their lives were spiraling out of control because of it. And here was this seven year old boy, so wise and so set on forgiveness. It was the first time in a while that she had felt this kind of tenderness towards someone. She would never forget this moment, ever.

* * *

"What time are you getting up in the morning?" Lindsay asked with a yawn, pulling the blankets up higher.

"Six. Do you want to go with me?"

She sighed and shook her head. She did feel like going to the first hearing about the case in the morning, but she didn't want to leave the kids, even for a few hours, and even with Austin. She still needed them very close and was glad that Mac had been so accommodating with their schedules.

"I want to be there to support you, but I just can't leave the kids right now."

"I know. I think it's probably better for you to stay with them anyway."

"You don't feel alone, do you?"

"No. We're working together to make everything okay. Sometimes we have to divide and conquer."

She chuckled and snuggled against him feeling a lot more bonded to him than she had in the last week. It had been hard to cope with everything and they were burning the candle at both ends, having no time for each other. Things hadn't been tense between them, but the laughter that was so foundational to their relationship had been lacking, causing a lot of the other things to peter off as well. In one way it was good, it forced them to bond in different ways, and to work for their relationship. But in other ways it was simply draining and depressing.

"You miss your mom?" he asked softly, playing with the ends of her hair.

"Yeah. This is the first time, I think. Usually when she's gone I miss her for a few hours. This time is different. I called her twice today and she called me once."

"I'm glad you're Lady Chatterly's again. I know how hard it was for you to have that wall up."

"I think it was even harder on her. I can't imagine if Avery carried around that kind of resentment towards me. It wasn't very fair. I can't take back how I felt, but I wish I would have talked it all out with her a lot sooner."

"Do you feel like everything is better?"

"Much better. I'm sure there will be things that we discover later, but right now, I don't think either one of us could be happier."

"That's what I like to hear."

"I'm sorry I was so angry with her for such a long time. It wasn't a good example for the kids."

"Maybe the point of it wasn't what you did wrong, but how you fixed it later. I think those are the more important lessons."

"Like when you burned the burgers and made them into Salisbury steak instead?"

"Exactly like that."

She chuckled and sat up a little, looking down at him with a smile.

"Have I told you lately how happy I am that I married you?"

"No, but I've always known. And the feeling is mutual, believe me."

She smiled and ran her hand gently over his chest, letting her eyes find his for just a moment.

"Are the kids asleep?" he whispered, raising an eyebrow. She gave a short nod and a smile.

"Yes they are, sound asleep. What do you think we should do with this freedom?"

"I don't know, so many options."

"Want to draw out of a hat?"

He chuckled and slid his fingers through her hair.

"I love you, Lindsay."

"I love you too."

"You gonna kiss me or what?"

She laughed and leaned down slowly to oblige. It took a few minutes to find the perfect rhythm they were comfortable with, and after so long with nothing there were a few giggling stumbles before they were able to relax in it. It was gentle and intentional but moving slowly, just cherishing each other for a stolen moment.

Then they heard the sound of frantic feet running up to their door and they barely had time to break the kiss before their door flew open and Colton ran into the room, screaming and crying, unable to speak and barely breathing. He seemed disoriented and Lindsay got out of bed, catching him before he crashed into the dresser.

"Colton, honey it's mama. You're okay."

His small body was shaking and while the screams stopped, the sobbing continued ferociously. In one second he clung to her and in another he tried to get away. He was fully awake but didn't seem to know what he wanted and she scooped him up, taking him over to the bed and settling him in the middle. His crying continued until they both wrapped around him tightly, whispering reassurances that everything was okay.

"Calm down sweetie. You need to breathe. In your nose and out your mouth."

He obeyed her instructions and found himself calming down a lot, even though he was still afraid.

"Daddy."

"I'm right here, buddy. You're safe."

"I'm scared. I don't want that man to come back. I don't want any other people to get me either. I feel like someone is watchin' me all the time. I don't want to be by myself because someone will take me. I am not brave! Not at all! I am just scared!"

"It's okay, son," Adam assured firmly. "There is nothing wrong with being scared. Everyone gets scared sometimes. Mama and I get scared, Danny and Austin get scared, soldiers and firemen and other heroes get scared. There's nothing wrong with it and it doesn't mean you're not brave."

"I don't like bein' scared. It's just scary."

"I know, buddy."

"Can you please make me not scared anymore?"

"We can't do that, son. The only thing we can do is be there for you when you are scared. And mama and I will always be there for you. All you have to do is ask us."

"Could I please sleep here tonight? I am too scared to sleep by my ownself."

"Yes, you can sleep in here."

He took a deep breath and nodded, reaching up to wipe his face.

"Honey, do you want a drink of water?"

"Yes please, mama."

She kissed his cheek and stood up from the bed while Colton cuddled up to Adam.

"Daddy?" he asked, once Lindsay had left the room. "Granna told me somethin' 'bout mama. She said that when mama was a teenager somethin' bad happened to her. Do you know about that, daddy?"

"Yes, I do."

"Is it the reason mama gets sad and has bad dreams?"

"Part of it, yes."

"What happened?"

"I can't tell you that. It's mama's story. Just know that she and I both understand, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

They laid there silently for a few minutes until Lindsay returned, handing Colton a cup of water. He sat up and drank most of it, then handed it back to her.

"Thank you, mama. I think if you both cuddle me, I could go back to sleep now."

They all settled in together and in just a few minutes, he was asleep again. His breathing was even and he seemed so calm and content.

"Do you remember when he went through that stage when he was a couple weeks old where he wouldn't sleep in his cradle? And we'd lay here like this for hours with him and he'd just stare at us?"

"Yeah."

"I remember holding his hands and wondering who he really was, what he was going to be. And we always talked about how much we loved him and how it couldn't really be put into words."

"It's weird to think that that little tiny baby grew up into such a funny, loving, smart little boy."

"I'd like to say that we did a good job, but I think he was destined to be this way."

"I can't believe he's ours. We get to be his parents. No one else will ever know him the way we do."

Adam smiled and reached over to hold her hand.

"I know you're scared, about how this is going to turn out, honey. I know there's a lot of unknowns about how he's going to get through this and what's going to happen with my father. But I want you to know that no matter what, we're going to be together. All of us. Even if we're not okay."

"I know."

"I think we've been together pretty much since the day we met."

She chuckled and squeezed his hand.

"I think so too."

"Get some sleep. Life starts again bright and early in the morning."


	204. Chapter 204

A/N: I thought this chapter took me forever, and then I went back and realized it only took me like two days. I think my brain is fried. Happier stuff coming up in the next chapter, I promise.

* * *

Austin had meant to be at the hearing, figuring she could slip away for an hour or two so she could sit in and hear everything that was said. But her suspect decided to have some lip with her and that had taken a lot more time than she'd planned. Jess finished up the booking for her so she could make it to the court house but by the time she got there, everything was over.

She met Adam coming out the door and she fell into step with him, not saying a word as they left the building and walked down the front steps, hitting the sidewalk and picking up an angry speed. She wasn't sure what had gone on, but she knew it wasn't good, and Adam's need to walk was telling her that this process was not going to be fast and easy. She could have waited for Danny and Flack, who had been sitting in as well, but something told her that Adam was going to need someone to talk to.

His hands were jammed into his pockets and he kept his gaze straight ahead, never once looking at her even though he knew she was there. She wanted to reach out and touch him, make him slow down a little, but she knew he needed to blow off steam, so she just kept walking beside him.

After what seemed like an hour he began to slow down, faster than a stroll, but not enough that she felt as if she needed to wear running shoes.

"He's pleading guilty on the kidnapping charges and taking a minor over state lines," he started, obviously with the good news first. "But innocent on the charges of child abuse and endangerment. Which means that at the very least, Colton's going to have to talk to the judge, and it could mean that he actually has to go up on the witness stand."

"You think he pleaded that way because he knew that's what would happen?"

"That's exactly what I think. He wants to be able to sit there and use that stare to get Colton to fumble his words or get scared. He didn't bank on the fact that my son is more brave and bold than I ever was."

Austin gave a half smile at that as Adam ran his fingers angrily though his hair.

"Does Colton know that he might have to testify?"

"There's always been the possibility and he keeps saying he wants to and it's his job and stuff, but I don't want him to have to relive that."

"I know."

"He should be able to move on at his own pace, he shouldn't have to wait for the court to tell him when it's over."

"This will probably help him, Adam. I know it doesn't seem like it, but just think about it. Didn't it help you a little the first time you told your story?"

"The first time I told my story, Austin, no on listened or believed me."

"But-"

"I was just a kid, not much older than Colton is now. I never said a word about it again until I told Lindsay. So no, talking about it didn't help."

"Okay, so the first time sucked. What about after that when you've talked about it to me or to Lindsay? Doesn't that help a little?"

"No, it doesn't. I would rather never think about it again."

"You're not over it," she deduced quietly, actually surprised. She always thought he had a much better handle on it than she did, but it suddenly occurred to her that he'd just put a cap on that emotion. That's why he became so irritable when is father had called him, why he lied about it and pretended it wasn't happening, why he could barely speak a word about it. It was still torturing him because he had never accepted it and worked through it.

"Adam," she started, knowing that she was the only person in the world that could tell him this. "You've got to let yourself heal. I know that a lot of this is about you and your father and he's doing this to hurt you by hurting Colton. I get that. But you've never let yourself rise about it, have you? You've never left it in your past."

"Have you?"

"Yes. It took a very long time, Adam, but it's something that happened to me a long time ago and it won't happen again."

"What, you think I'm scared that my father is going to come into my house in the night and beat me senseless like he used to?"

"No. I think you're still scared to death that you're going to be like him. I think if you keep your fear in your head, constantly remember what he did, never let it go, you assume it keeps you from doing what he did. I think you're under the impression that if your forget it and keep it in the past you won't remember what it did to you and you'll do it to your kids."

He didn't reply but he really didn't need to. She knew she'd hit the nail on the head.

"Do you think that I would ever hit my kids?"

"No," he answered firmly.

"Then why do you think you would?"

"You don't understand. You have good memories of your father. Before it all started and even after you moved out you were able to repair things with him. I don't have that. I don't have one good moment with my father to hold onto that says I have something other than abuse to look forward to."

"I get what you're saying. If you really think you're capable of that, if you really don't trust yourself then maybe you shouldn't be a father."

His expression burned like fire as he stared her down. She hated saying those words, knew they were some of the most hurtful she'd ever said to anyone, but she also knew they needed to be said.

"I would never hurt my children, Austin. I am a good father, and I would never do what he did. Ever."

"Then what are you so scared of?"

He sighed.

"I don't know."

"Adam, do you think if you let go of what happened, you're going to let go of a part of yourself?"

"No."

"Then why can't you move on from there?"

"You know, I've thought about that for a lot of years and I just don't know."

She grabbed his arm and they stopped walking, turning to face each other. They didn't say a word as she reached out and hugged him tightly.

"You're not him. You love your kids, you love Lindsay and you are never going to do what he did. It's not genetic, Adam. It's not."

"I know."

"He's nothing. He doesn't have power over you unless you let him. And once this is over, it's over. It will be something that happened in the past that can't control you or your emotions anymore."

"It's weird to think that it actually has an end, you know?"

"Yeah."

She let him go and he took a deep breath.

"I hate how angry it makes me."

"It happens to me too."

"How do you get over it?"

"I go shootin'."

He chuckled and shook his head.

"You and Lindsay."

"Watch out if we ever make plans to go together, then you and Danny are in for it."

He grinned and they continued to walk, slower this time.

"It's going to be okay, Adam. Colton's going to do just fine, and so are you. And if you're not, you'd better believe I will kick your butt until you are."

"I have no doubt about that, Austin."

* * *

"I can do it, daddy, I promise!" Colton said, wringing his hands. "I will tell the truth in the court, okay? I promise I am brave and if it makes the bad man learn his lesson for longer, I will do it."

"I know you want to son, but I have to make it clear to you that it might not be as easy as you think it is."

"I trust you, daddy. What if I don't have to talk in front of everyone? What if I just talk to the judge like we said before? Would that make you feel better?"

Adam sighed and hugged his son tightly.

"Let's not worry about it until we know for sure."

"Okay daddy. What do you think, mama?"

Lindsay sighed from her spot on the couch and Colton scooted over to her, his eyes wide and pleading.

"Honey, I just don't know right now. Let's wait and see how it goes."

He nodded and hugged her tightly.

"I want to know somethin'. How come you guys are more scared of me tellin' what happened than you were about me getting stoled?"

"We're not more scared, Colton. It's just… we don't really know what to expect and we want everything to turn out the best for you."

"Why won't it? If I tell the truth, what else can the man say? He taked me, mama and he hurt me and he yelled. He didn't do anything right or good and that is the whole entire truth. If that is the truth and that is what means he will go to jail, then that is what will happen and that will be the best for everyone right? So what are you so worried about?"

"Sometimes in the adult world it isn't that simple."

"Well then I don't want to grow up!" he said, sliding off the couch. "I am going to go upstairs and think about this."

He left the room and pounded quickly up the stairs while Adam sighed.

"Can I ask you something Adam?"

"Sure."

"Did you ever get to talk about it? I mean really talk about what happened to you?"

He sighed and shook his head.

"Not really. I think I was scared to bring it up to my mom; I didn't want to make her sad. I guess I just figured that it was something that was over. I'm beginning to see that was probably not the best thing."

"Probably not."

He shook his head and stood up from the couch.

"I'm going to go to the store and see if I can knock out that grocery list."

"Okay, coupons are in the drawer."

"Ben, you want to go to the store with me?"

Ben looked up from the train tracks he'd been putting together and gave a half smile.

"I need to go potty first. I will decide then."

He got up and went into the bathroom while Adam moved into the kitchen, taking the coupons out of the drawer and putting the ones he needed into a pile.

"Honey, are you going to talk about it?" Lindsay asked, following him and trying not to seem like she was badgering.

"Yeah. Just give me some time, okay?"

"Fair enough. I know it's not on the list but you could pick up some chocolate if you were so inclined."

"I was thinking Rice Krispies and marshmallows."

"With chocolate on the top!"

"Are you pregnant?"

She smiled and shook her head as Ben bounded back into the room.

"So do you want to go with me, Ben Ry?"

"Oh. I wasn't thinkin' 'bout goin' to the store!" he said distraughtly, hiking his shorts up higher. "I was thinkin' 'bout Batman!"

Adam chuckled, then snorted, then let out a full blow guffaw, one that took his breath away and forced him to lean on the counter for support.

"Oh man Ben," he said, once he'd recovered a little "I needed that."

"Needed what? Hey, how come my shorts keep fallin' down?"

"Because they're Colton's shorts honey," Lindsay replied. "Why don't you go change before you go with daddy?"

"Okay. I will be right back."

He took off upstairs as fast as he could entering his bedroom and finding Colton sitting at the desk by the window.

"Me and daddy is goin' to the store. Wanna come Cole?"

Colton shook his head and kept his eyes on his paper.

"What is you writin'?"

"A letter. I am writing to the judge what is gonna be the ruler in the court and I am telling it that I want to tell the truth. And after I am done I am gonna write to that bad man and tell him that he should tell the truth because it is not good to lie. And then I am writin' a letter to mama and daddy so they will understand."

"Oh," Ben said with a nod, changing into a pair of his own khaki shorts. "You got lots of work today."

"Yeah. I think I will be up here all the day long workin' on this. Is daddy and you takin' Aves and mama?"

"No, just me and him. Sissy's still takin' her nap."

"Mama could go with you and I could stay here and watch sissy. I am a grown up now."

"No you are not!" Ben shouted. "You is still a kid like me! You are short and you're seven."

"Yeah Ben, but bad stuff happened to me."

"It makes me sad if you will not be a kid anymore. Then you will never play, you will just pay bills and work. Don't be a grownup, Cole. Please?"

"Don't got no choice, Ben. I am a grownup in a little kid's body now."

"Will you still play with me?"

"Can't. Got too much work to do. You will have to play with sissy and Junior and the rest of the kids now."

Ben's stomach started to hurt and he gave Colton one last look before he left the room and slowly walked downstairs.

"You okay buddy?" Adam asked as he entered the kitchen.

Ben burst into tears before he could stop them and he stood there in the doorway, crying for all he was worth, not caring for once that his glasses were getting wet and foggy or that the tears made his face itch and his head hurt.

"Ben, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked, picking him up and holding him close.

"Cole not be my brother no more!" he wailed pitifully. "He be a grownup now!"

"What are you talking about?"

"That's what he say! Got too much work to play with me. I jus' want my brother again!"

"Oh Ben, he's not going anywhere. He's still your brother."

"But he say he is a grownup now! He will be boring and go to sleep and we won't whisper stories at night! And no more playin' games! And wrestlin'! I don't got no big brother no more!"

He continued to cry and no amount of reassuring and shushing would calm him down. Lindsay sat down on the couch with him and wrapped a blanket around both of them, wondering if the things he was saying were really the things that were bothering him, or if this was a delayed reaction to Colton being gone.

"Ben, I'm going to go talk to him okay?" Adam said softly. "I'll be right back."

He went upstairs, completely unsure about what he was going to say, much less what had really gone on between the boys. He peeked into the bedroom and found Colton still at his desk, writing furiously.

"Why is Ben crying?"

Colton turned around in his chair and shrugged.

"I don't know. Did you ask him dad?"

Adam nearly took a step back, shocked that he didn't get the usual "daddy." His heart ached for a moment, wondering if he'd heard it for the last time. He figured they wouldn't call him daddy forever, but there was a little part of him that held onto the belief that they might. Lindsay's brothers still called their dad daddy and despite the rarity of such a thing, he thought it might be something special that would stay in the family.

"He said you don't want to be his brother anymore."

"I didn't say that exactly. I just said that I have a lot to do. I am grownup now, and I don't have time to play as much."

"Why do you think you're grownup now?"

"Because," he started with a long sigh. "Grownups have stress. You and mama talk about boring and complicated things. I just don't feel like I belong with the other kids now. I feel like I am boring and complicated. I don't want to have fun no more."

"You think grownups don't have fun?"

"Different kinds. I just have a lot of angry in my heart about the bad people. And the angry is big and there's no room for the happy I used to have. I cannot forget about the hurt kids and the bad people, so my heart stays angry. I can't be happy like a little kid who doesn't know anymore. I am different now."

"You're not different, son. You just know things now that most people don't learn until they're older. And I'm sorry you had to learn them. I wish I could take that away. But I don't want you to think that you can't be happy like you used to."

"But when I try to be happy, I feel bad for forgetting the kids!"

"When you forget them it doesn't mean that you're ignoring what happens. It just means that sometimes your brain needs a break and it has to be happy again for a while. It doesn't let you be mad and angry and upset like that all the time. It's not good for you."

"So I can be a happy kid at the same time as I know all these bad things?"

"You can."

"I will figure out how to work on that. You said Ben was cryin'?"

"Yeah."

"I better go speak with him. I don't want his happy to go away."

They went downstairs together and Colton ran over to the couch, throwing his arms around Ben.

"Don't cry, brother! Daddy 'splained it to me! I can be happy again."

"You is a kid Cole!" Ben said firmly. "You is a kid and you is not a grownup yet! Okay? You hear me?"

"I hear you Ben. I was just confused. Daddy told me that I can still be happy and a kid no matter what happened to me. So that is okay, right? And daddy, I was just tryna be a grownup when I said dad instead. I don't gotta call you just plain dad. I seen the face you maked and you didn't like that huh?"

"Not one of my better memories, no."

"Okay, well since I am your kid then you are my daddy. There, that is simple. Is everyone happy? Good. Let's wait for Aves to wake up from her nap and then we will all go to the store together and be a whole family, okay?"

* * *

"Averylin," Lindsay sighed, picking up the bags of pasta that Avery had knocked over.

"Oh no, mama."

"Remember how I said to keep your hands in the cart?"

Avery sighed and put her hands in her lap.

"Sissy get in trouble?" Ben asked, somewhat hopefully. He didn't like that Avery got in trouble, but he liked to put his arm around her and tell her it would be okay.

"No, she's not in trouble, she is trouble," Lindsay clarified. "She also has a dirty diaper."

"Oh daddy! Sissy stinks!" Ben chuckled, holding onto the end of the cart.

"So what else is new?" Adam asked as he and Colton dropped boxes of cereal into the cart.

"Hey, be nice. She can't help that she's still in diapers. You don't want to get potty trained yet do you baby?"

Avery shook her head and tried to bite into the box of Pop-tarts.

"Sissy, that is not food until mama puts it in the toaster!"

Avery giggled and tossed the box over her shoulder, into the cart, then tried to unbuckle herself. Lindsay reached out and stopped her without even looking. She'd never had to actually buckle the boys in like that, but Avery was a different story.

"Honey, what should I make for dinner?"

Adam shrugged and checked her list for anything else in this aisle.

"Whatever you want. Everything you make is good."

"Thank you for the support, but I was hoping you could think of something."

"Do you have time for roast? I'll mash the potatoes."

She gave him a little smile and he came to stand behind her, his arms around her so he could push the cart too.

"Ben, they're bein' cute again," Colton sighed, climbing onto the side of the cart and peeking in. "Does that bother you?"

Ben shook his head and pushed his glasses up.

"Means they love each other. Ever and ever."

"Guess so. Daddy, does mama make your heart beat all funny?"

"Yeah, she does."

"I guess that's good. Can we get some macaroni and cheese?"

"Sure, grab a few boxes."

He carefully picked four boxes and dumped them into the cart, then added one more for good measure.

"I like the shaped ones," he said absentmindedly. "They taste better."

"Yeah, they do."

He was quiet for a while as they walked, checking things off their list and filling the cart. Avery was cranky and kept trying to climb out of the cart, eventually laying her head down on her hands and falling asleep. The boys were holding hands as they walked the aisles leisurely, pointing at different things the wanted to try or food that looked funny. There was much laughing at the pickled pigs feet and sounds of disgust when Adam showed them the cows tongue and Lindsay admitted that she'd tried it before. By the time they reached the registers the cart was full and bellies were hungry for lunch, and the boys were happy to unload the cart if it meant getting food faster. The watched as the groceries were bagged, then helped Adam load them back into the cart.

"Your boys are very well behaved," the cashier noted as Lindsay slid the bank card in the machine.

"Oh, thank you."

"They seem really happy. We don't usually get such pleasant kids in here."

"Really?"

"Normally they're screaming and dumping things on the floor. I was kind of watching you shop and the kids seem like they're just happy to be together."

"Yeah, I think they are," Lindsay said with a little smile. Sometimes she forgot that people didn't know what they had just been through, and that it wasn't right there on their faces for everyone to see.

"You must be really good parents."

"I… thank you."

The cashier smiled and moved on to the next customer while Lindsay near dazedly followed Adam and the kids out the door. She got the kids buckled into their seats while Adam loaded the trunk and put the cart away. They met up behind the car, crossing paths to get to their own seats and she stopped him, hugging him as tightly as she could.

"What's this for?"

"We're good parents, Adam."

"I think so too."

She didn't say another word and he didn't ask, they both just knew, and that was all they needed.


	205. Chapter 205

A/N: I told you guys it would get cheery!

* * *

It was a bright sunny morning, the beauty of it belying the day that was about to follow. Most vacations start as soon as the bags are packed and the car leaves the driveway. This one however was not going to start for several hours, as a road trip with six kids, no matter how happy and in good spirits they were, was not going to be an easy thing.

"Austin, are we absolutely insane?" Lindsay asked, checking the cooler to make sure there were enough chilled drinks to keep the kids hydrated for the eight hour trip.

"Why are you asking this? Of course we are."

Lindsay sighed and closed the cooler, glancing at her watch. They were leaving town as early as they could, she and Austin and the kids, to try and make it down to the Outer Banks before dinner time. Danny and Adam both had to work today and would be driving down the next morning. It was an eight hour trip which with the kids could easily translate into twelve. They'd rented a large ten passenger van that was big enough to accommodate the kids and all their stuff, and would guzzle gas like crazy, but was still cheaper than flying for ten people. It was brand new and managed to look like a regular minivan, but Austin had still taken to calling Lindsay Octomom.

"Okay kids, hop in," Adam said, leading the kids out the front door in a single file line. "Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle, lest they be shorn off by a semi."

"Adam, that was gross," Austin said, finding her sunglasses and putting them on.

"Road rules," he shrugged, lifting the kids one by one into the van so they could get into their seats. "Ben, don't push."

"Want the window seat!"

"You have the window seat," Adam noted. "And you're right by Junior so you couldn't be happier."

Ben chuckled and climbed into his seat next to Junior while Adam strapped Avery in next to Sarah. Colton and Isa were sitting in the very back seat and were already deep in discussion about something or another and would probably stay that way for most of the trip.

"Now Montana, I want you to drive safe," Danny said, holding the keys just out of her reach.

"When do I not drive safe?"

"Whenever you drive us to a crime scene."

"Yeah, but I don't care about you as much as I care about them. I'll be safe."

"You swear?"

"Danny."

He handed the keys over to her and she smiled, patting his arm.

"Don't worry, okay? We'll be fine."

He nodded and crossed the driveway to Austin while Adam grabbed Lindsay and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"You promise you'll be safe?"

"Yes."

"And call when you get there?"

"Yes."

"And call when you stop for lunch?"

"Adam."

"And when you stop to stretch your legs?"

"You're pushing it, bud."

He chuckled and hugged her again.

"I'll miss you."

"Oh brother. It's only one day."

"Hey, you'll miss me too!"

"Yeah, I know. Be good and don't eat crap for dinner just because I'm not home to cook for you."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

He kissed her a few times, then pressed his nose to hers until she giggled.

"Have fun and don't go insane," he whispered. "There's earplugs in the jockey box."

"Bless you."

He kissed her again before she climbed into the van and started it. The kids waved through the windows as they backed out of the driveway and headed for the interstate, happy to be on their way. Austin fiddled with the radio until they found some acceptable music and the kids were quietly engrossed in watching the city fly by. It seemed like this might actually be a stress free road trip.

At least it seemed that way for about fifteen minutes.

"Ew!" Sarah squealed. "Averylin's picking her nose and eating it!"

"Avery, that's no," Lindsay said, glancing at her daughter in the rearview mirror.

"It's salty, huh sissy?" Ben asked, leaning forward a little.

"Your kids are disgusting," Austin chuckled, propping her feet up on the dashboard.

"Junior still gives poop reports when he goes to the bathroom."

"I never said mine weren't disgusting."

Lindsay chuckled and turned the air conditioner up higher so it would get to the kids faster and there wouldn't be any heat sickness in the backseat.

"So how are things with the trial?" Austin asked, dropping her voice so the kids couldn't hear.

"We're just waiting. He waived his right to a speedy trial."

"Obviously so you can't move on completely yet."

"Exactly. They say we might have a court date sometime in early fall, but we're not holding our breath. Colton on the other hand…"

"He told me that he's tired of waiting and he's going to write his story down so he can just give it to the court."

"This hasn't been easy on him."

"Or you."

"Let's just say we all need this vacation."

"Amen. I cannot wait for the beach."

"Me neither. I can almost smell it."

"Think of all the sun we're going to get."

"Like either one of us really needs more," Lindsay chuckled.

"No! Binyin don't take my dinosaur!"

"It's mine, Dunner!"

"I haved it first!"

"It belongs to me! See my name on it? B-E-N! Binyin!"

"You are not sharing! Aunt Lin, Binyin's not sharing!"

"Benjamin."

It was all she needed to say for Ben to hand the toy over and in a few minutes they were back to playing nicely again. Colton and Isa were giggling in the back seat and Avery and Sarah were on their way to falling asleep, and maybe, just maybe there was a chance that they would luck out and get a few good hours out of the kids.

* * *

They were just outside Trenton, New Jersey when the screaming started.

"Mama, I gotta go pee!"

"Me too, I have to use the bathroom!"

"I really gotta go ma! Can we stop driving?"

"I pee-pee!" Avery announced, clapping her hands.

"Averylin, it's not polite to 'nounce it like that."

"Okay, Sayuh."

"Mama, please, I am 'bout to burst!"

"Alright, let me find a place. Can you hold it for ten minutes?"

"Only if I can do seat dancing!"

"Go right ahead."

Colton and Isa burst into song and movement, giggling as Lindsay found an off-ramp that boasted a fast food restaurant. It was sure to have a bathroom and it was right off the freeway, and it seemed almost too good to be true.

After getting all the kids out of the car and safely herded inside, Lindsay took the girls into the bathroom and changed Avery's diaper while Austin ordered small snacks for the kids and kept her eye on the men's room door so the boys wouldn't escape.

In about twenty minutes they were all loaded up into the car again the kids happy and quiet with their snacks.

"Okay, so besides all the lifting, that wasn't so bad," Austin commented, taking a sip of the iced coffee she'd ordered.

"I feel like we're naïve if we think that this won't get worse," Lindsay chuckled.

"I dropped my snack!" Isa hollered. "Colt, gimme some of yours."

"No Isa. Mine is mine."

"But Colt! I dropped mine. Don't you love me?"

There was a long pause before he handed her the entire snack. She smiled and took half, then handed the rest back to him.

"That's love, Colt."

"Ew gross!" Lindsay and Austin mocked.

"What? We're not kissin' it's okay!" Isa defended. "You two just keep your eyes on the road."

Austin snorted and shook her head as they got back onto the freeway, heading south.

"How long 'fore we get there, mama?" Ben asked, kicking his legs gently against the seat.

"About seven more hours."

"How long we been in this car? Ten hours?"

"Just one, honey."

"We're gonna be in here forever!" Ben wailed. "This 'cation is never gonna start!"

"Ben, why don't you close your eyes and take some deep breaths, okay? We'll be there before you know it."

"I don't wanna do that, mama. You trick me to sleepin'. I wanna have music. Hyper music."

"Alright," Lindsay sighed as Austin grabbed the iPod. She knew what the kids wanted to hear and she scrolled down until she found Soulja Boy. The kids all started to dance to the old song, but they were buckled into their seats and could only do the parts with the arm movements. Snorting with laughter as she watched them, Austin pulled out her phone and took a video of it, complete with Avery laughing and clapping because she didn't know the dance but didn't want to be left out.

"I am sure they will hate me for this in a few years, but that is going on the internet."

Lindsay rolled her eyes, once again thankful that the internet was mostly just imagination when she'd been a kid.

* * *

"Oh my word, make it stop!"

"The screaming. I can't handle the screaming."

"I swear, I am going to get into a fender bender, just for one second of silence."

"I think "be quiet" has lost all meaning."

"As has "shut the choice expletive up!" I didn't know they could reach this volume."

"Linds, I think my brain melted and ran out my ears."

"Four more hours," Lindsay chanted. "Four more hours. Hey you kids don't make me come back-"

She stopped mid sentence and her eyes grew wide.

"Lin? Lindsay, you okay?"

"I just turned into my mother."

"Ouch."

"I need a second."

"Holy Moses."

"That was terrifying."

Austin gave her a half smile and rubbed at her own ears.

"How much longer did you say?"

"Four hours. Halfway."

"You know what that means? Bon Jovi."

They looked at each other for just one second before bursting into song, over the din of the kids and the sound of the road, they sang at the top of their lungs, as badly as they could.

"We've got to hold on, to what we've got! It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other and that's a lot. For love, we'll give it a shot. Whoa, we're halfway there, whoa-oa, livin' on a prayer, take my hand and we'll make it I swear, whoa-oa, livin' on a prayer!"

They continued through the chorus a few more times until their voices were tired and their lungs gave out and the kids had finally quieted down.

"Now," Austin started, turning around and clearing her throat. "There will be no more yelling, no more screaming, no more fighting for the rest of this trip and the rest of the week, or we're going to do that again. Louder. In public. Get it?"

"Got it," the kids all answered together.

"Good."

She turned around again and they both sighed.

"I love the sound of nothing," Lindsay commented, suddenly feeling a lot happier. "I could drive like this for hours."

"Do you want me to drive at some point?"

"If you want. Doesn't make no difference to me."

"Then I think I will pass because I don't know if I could drive the Kate Gosselin-Mobile."

Lindsay snickered and glanced back at the kids in the rearview mirror.

"Ben, you've got a funny look on your face. Are you okay?"

"Me and Dunner, we gotta pee!"

"Again?"

"We drinked lots of water! Hurry mama, 'fore it runs down my leg!"

Luckily (the first luck of the day, it would seem) they were only a mile out from a rest stop. She didn't really want to pull over there, but it was better than losing the deposit on the car because of the mess on the seat.

"Anyone else have to go?"

They all nodded and she pulled into the parking lot, finding a space that was close to the restrooms. The wind was blowing hard when they got out of the car and Sarah screamed, clutching at her pink Yankees cap.

"We're gonna blow away to Oz!" Isa shouted, jumping in the air and spinning around. "Ma, look at me, I'm a tornado!"

"If only you knew how true that statement was, Isabeth," Austin said. "Come on kids, lets go to the bathroom."

The kids all followed her while Lindsay stayed back at the van to change Avery's diaper once again.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Food?"

"Yeah, I guess it's about time for lunch, even if you kids have been eating all morning. Maybe we should stay here and have a picnic in the grass."

"Food," Avery repeated happily.

"You have a one track mind, don't you my dear?"

"Ah, mama."

Chuckling, Lindsay leaned down and blew raspberries against her daughter's full cheeks. Squeals of laughter erupted and she did it a few more times before finishing up with the diaper and cleaning her hands with some sanitizer.

"There, all done. Look, the kids are coming back already."

"Hi!" Avery shouted, waving at the kids. "Food! Eat!"

"Are we gonna eat, mama?" Colton asked, looking around. "On this grass?"

"Yeah, we might as well."

"Mama! Mama! I done peed on a spider!"

"You did what?" Lindsay asked crinkling her nose in disgust.

"I done peed on a spider," Ben repeated. "He was livin' in the… um… the hangin' thing what's for your pee."

"The urinal?"

"Yup, that. And I peed on him."

"Ben, how did you reach the urinal? You're not quite tall enough are you?" Austin asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Nope. But Dunner got on the floor like he was crawling and I standed up on his back and Cole holded onto me so I didn't fall!"

"It was teamwork, ma," Junior added proudly.

"Daniel, you were on all fours on a public bathroom floor?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you wash your hands?"

"No, I'd already peed in the regular toilet. Then this guy comed in and said "What in the blazes is you kids doin'?" so we decided to leave."

Her face one of revulsion, Austin led her son back to the bathroom to wash his hands.

"Are we gonna have a picnic Indy?" Isa asked hopefully. "I just love it out here."

"I do too."

Isa grinned and hugged her tightly around the waist for a long minute.

"Hey Indy?"

"Yes baby?"

"We have not had a snuggle in a long time. Think we could have one soon?"

Lindsay smiled and crouched down, drawing the little girl into her arms and kissing the top of her head.

"Anytime, Isa Grace."

"I love you."

"I love you more, my dear."

"Nu-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

They grinned together for a moment before Isa skipped off to play again. For as much noise as they all made, for the scrapes they found themselves in, for the messes left in their wake, these six kids were worth everything.

* * *

"I never thought the most awesome club I'd ever go to would be with my kids," Austin commented with a yawn as she flopped down onto the big couch in the vacation house.

Lindsay nodded her agreement as she watched the kids dance and jump around the room. They'd made it to the Outer Banks in ten hours and once the kids were out of the car and the luggage and food was inside, they'd spent twenty minutes exploring the big house, going up and down the stairs and dashing in and out of the many bedrooms. It was a much bigger space than they felt they needed, but it would probably feel small by this time tomorrow.

The kids were all in their pajamas, happy and fed and burning off a little energy before they would be tucked into bed. They'd begged to go down to the beach, but it was late and getting dark and Lindsay and Austin were not sure they could handle all the kids in a space a big as the beach, so they'd been relegated to the large living room.

Avery was nearly delirious, running into the other kids, the wall and even the coffee table once before Lindsay scooped her up and wrapped her in a soft blanket. She settled in between them, reaching up and grunting until Lindsay moved so Avery could grasp her hair. Contentedly, she ran her fingers through it as her eyes drooped further and further towards sleep.

"I think it's time for the rest of the kids to follow in her chubby footsteps," Austin noted, yawning once again.

"I think I might be asleep before I can tuck them in," Lindsay noted. "I might have highway hypnosis."

"Is that a real thing?"

"Is now."

"Okay kidlets, time to pack it in and head for the barracks."

"Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to bed we go!" Isa started with a giggle.

"With jammies on and singin' a song!" Colton finished as they marched down the hallway. All the kids were going to share one big room, and they were extremely excited about it. Colton and Isa would share one of the bunk bed sets while Ben and Junior would share the other. There was one twin sized bed between the two bunks, and Sarah and Avery would sleep there.

"We could have a night time story?" Ben asked, tipping his head to the side as Lindsay slid his glasses off and put them on the small night stand. "You and Austin could tell us one?"

"I don't know. Aust, do we know any good bedtime stories?"

"I think we know that story about the kids who talked and talked one night when they were supposed to be sleeping and they drove their mother's crazy and had to visit them in the psych ward for the rest of their lives."

"And their mothers wore matching straight jackets," Lindsay continued, kissing Ben, then standing on the side of his bed so she could lean in and kiss Junior. "And ate oatmeal and watched soap operas and painted pictures with just one color."

"And when the kids came to visit they just felt so badly for staying up and talking one measly night when they were so tired and should have gone straight to bed."

Lindsay and Austin swapped bunk beds, each kissing the kids they hadn't gotten to yet.

"And that is the story of the children that should have gone to sleep. Now what have you learned?"

"We ain't allowed to jabber all night," Colton said with a smile.

"Exactly. Now snuggle down in those beds and get some sleep."

There was rustling of blankets as they all did just that, Sarah curling around Avery protectively. There were whispered goodnights as they slipped from the room, closing the door most of the way.

"We survived," Lindsay said breathlessly as they made their way back to the couch.

"We are amazing."

"As if there was ever any question."

They crashed onto the cushions of the U shaped couch, pulling throw pillows under their heads and simply laying there for a while.

"You know what is the most awesome thing about this house?"

"Hmm?"

Lindsay reached her hand out and grabbed a small remote from the coffee table, then aimed it at the sliding glass door before pressing a button. The curtains moved back and the door opened, causing Austin to giggle in fascination.

"Meet George Jetson," she said, sitting up a little as the cool air waved lazily into the room. "This is the life."

"Ditto."

"Now if the guys were here to rub our feet…"

"Austin stop, you're making me yearn."

Austin gave a deep chuckle and rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey Lin?"

"Yes McGruff the Crime Dog?"

"What?"

"Your voice gets deeper when you get tireder."

"That's not a word."

"I'm too tireder to care."

Austin chuckled and rubbed at her eyes.

"I love you, Lin."

"I love you too."

"I think I might just sleep on this couch all night long."

"I can't move."

They lay there quietly for a few moments until Austin rolled over again.

"We should see about doing a bonfire on the beach before we leave. The kids would love that."

"The kids would love the marshmallows."

Austin giggled.

"I'm glad they all get to be raised together. I don't think they would be as happy if they didn't have each other."

"I think the same goes for their mothers."

"Amen."

"Night, Aust."

"Night Lin."


	206. Chapter 206

A/N: There's a new story waiting for y'all on my page if you're so inclined.

* * *

"Wake up, wake up, time to go to the beach!"

"It would be a lot easier to wake up if I didn't have so many children jumping on me," Lindsay dead-panned, burying her face in the pillow. She'd woken up in the wee hours and moved from the couch to the bed, but the kids found her anyway.

"Get up mama!"

"Have you jumped on Austin yet?"

"Yup. She told us to go jump on you!"

"Go tell her that she'd better be able to hold her arsenic."

"Oh great," Isa said with a sigh, crossing her arms over her chest. "They're gonna make us do this all day."

"We be like owls," Ben decided, happy with the task of relaying messages. "I will be Hedwig!"

"Hedwig is a girl, Ben. Do you wanna be a girl owl?"

"No," Ben sighed, looking down at his feet.

"Okay kids, give me like half an hour. Go jump on Austin."

They dashed out of the room, save for Sarah and Avery who had crawled under the covers and made themselves at home.

"Auntie, did you know that Averylin moves a lot when she sleeps?"

"Yeah, I knew."

"She kicked me so many times on accident."

"I'm sorry, sweetie. She can sleep in here with me and Adam tonight if you want."

"No, that's okay. She's my best friend."

Lindsay smiled and brushed Sarah's blonde hair back.

"It's rainin' outside, auntie. I told the kids we would not go to the beach in the rain, but they think we will."

"Maybe after it stops raining we can go to the beach."

"I will build a sand castle. Will you and my ma help me?"

"We can try."

"When is daddy getting here?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should call Adam and see if they're on the road yet."

"Here's your phone," Sarah said, taking it off the night stand and handing it to her. Lindsay hit the speed dial for Adam and waited a few minutes before he answered.

"Hey babe. How's the sanity?" he greeted.

"Still intact. Have you guys left yet?"

"Yeah, three hours ago."

"Three hours? What time is it?"

"Eight. Are you still in bed?"

"Shut up, you would be too."

"I'm sure," he chuckled. "How are the kids?"

"Anxious to go to the beach."

"Is the house nice?"

"Yeah, it's really nice. King sized beds."

She could hear his grin and she wondered if Danny was paying attention to that end of the conversation.

"I couldn't sleep without you last night," he confessed after a moment. She grinned and deduced that they must have stopped somewhere and Danny wasn't in earshot, or Adam would never have let those words come out of his mouth.

"Oh yeah?"

"Too quiet. I had to go downstairs and turn the TV on so it sounded like someone else was here."

"Were you afraid?" she teased as Avery climbed up and sat on her stomach.

"Why does your voice sound funny?"

"Because your chubby daughter just plopped her big ol' butt right on me and I can't breathe."

"Big butt!" Avery repeated, clapping her hands.

"You want to say hi to daddy? Well, she's at least waving at the phone, so the sentiment is there."

"Give her a kiss for me."

"I will."

"We should be there after lunch sometime."

"Okay. Call us when you get close."

"I will."

"Drive safe and if Danny's accent gets too thick, find some sports talk radio. It shuts him up pretty good."

"I'll do that. I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up and Sarah yawned, pulling the blankets tighter around her.

"Auntie, how did you and Uncle Adam fall in love?"

"Magic," Lindsay answered automatically.

"No, I mean for reals!"

"Well, he was my closest friend at first. And I loved him a lot. And then one day we realized that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives and that we loved each other so much and that we wanted to get married and have a family."

"What do you love the most 'bout him?"

Lindsay chuckled and sighed, trying to figure out how to put it into words.

"I love that he is only himself. He doesn't try to be anyone else. He's just Adam and he's the only one just like him."

"Like Tigger. Or Isa!"

Lindsay laughed out loud at that one, leaning over to kiss Sarah's cheek.

"Or like you, Sarah Claire Messer."

"How come you and my ma are bestest friends but you are not like each other?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you like different things. And you make different kinds of jokes. You do big long snuggles and ma does big fast squeeze hugs. You are different from each other, but you are still best friends."

"I think your mom and I didn't really have a choice. We had to be best friends or we would both be miserable people."

"Oh. Like how if Averylin wasn't my best friend I wouldn't have one?"

"Yeah, like that. Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes."

"Why do you call the kids by their whole names?"

"Because," Sarah said with a shrug. "That's their names."

"What if we'd named Ben Throckmorton J. Pennywhistle the Third?"

"Well that is a very long name and it's very silly and he would not want to be called that, so I would call him just whatever his nickname was, like how Isa does not like to be called Isabeth 'cept by ma. How come ma calls you Lin and daddy calls you Montana and Uncle Adam calls you babe? And how come sometimes ma calls you other silly names like Lindsay-Loo and Lindalino and Lindsay J. Ro and stuff?"

"Your daddy calls me Montana because he wanted to make fun of me for bein' a country girl and he just never stopped calling me that. Adam calls me babe because… I guess he didn't like many other nicknames. He calls me dearlin' sometimes though. And your ma calls me all those different names because she is really weird."

"You are weird too and you don't call her much names."

"Yeah, she just doesn't have a name that spawns any nicknames that won't get me punched in the arm."

"You call me Sarahlove and you call Daniel guy and you call Isa your girl. What do you call Colton and Benjamin and Averylin?"

"I call Colton buddy and Ben is Ben Ry and Avery gets called whatever name I think of when I'm talkin' to her."

"Someday I want to have some kids and they will have lovey nicknames like all us kids got. I will have a girl and I will call her sweet pea. And my boy will be called just boy. That will be that."

Lindsay laughed and drew the little girl into her arms, kissing the top of her head.

"Sarah, I love our conversations."

"Me too!"

"I can't wait to watch you grow up and get married and be a mommy. I mean, don't grow up too fast."

"Okay, I won't."

They would have continued the conversation, but the rest of the kids came back into the room with Austin who was holding Junior upside down.

"Does anyone in here know why my kid's face looks like a butt?"

The kids hooted with laughter and Junior squealed as Austin dropped him onto the end of the bed.

"I guess maybe it's time for you kids to have breakfast."

"Food!" Avery hollered, bouncing up and down.

"Ug, Avery, don't do that, you're killin' me."

"Ah mama. Food."

"Okay, okay, we'll feed you."

"And then we could go to the beach!" Colton declared, pumping his fist in excitement.

"The beach, the beach, the beach!" the kids chanted happily, filing out of the room.

"This is going to be a long day."

* * *

The rain was gone after breakfast but it was still chilly out, so jumping into the ocean was out of the question. The kids were more than happy to wear jeans and sweatshirts and play in the sand while their mothers sat beside them, staring out at the huge expanse of beach and ocean and sky.

"Hey Aust?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you think the chances are of us never leaving?"

"Realistically?"

Lindsay just smiled and shook her head, picking up a handful of sand and letting it fall through her fingers.

"Think the guys are driving each other nuts yet?" Austin asked, chewing on a piece of sea grass.

"I hope not. We need them to be getting along so when they build us a bonfire tonight, things don't go horribly wrong."

"You're going to let them build a bonfire?" Austin chuckled, shaking her head. "Why do you want us all to die?"

Lindsay chuckled and yawned as Austin reached over and tugged on a strand of her hair.

"Gettin' long," she said softly.

"Yeah. Adam still won't let me cut it."

"He won't let you?"

"I mean that he likes it long so I keep it long because I like him."

"You're such a good wife."

"As long as he's happy, I'm happy, which works out well because what makes him happy is me being happy and… well anyway, I'm pretty lucky."

"Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you'd stayed in Montana and married Brian or something?"

"Don't make me puke."

Austin chuckled as Avery toddled over to them, falling several times because of the unstable sand before she plopped down in Lindsay's lap.

"Are you tired?"

"Cudda mama. Sleepy."

"Are you going to take a nap and wait for daddy to get here?"

"Daddy!" she giggled, sitting up and clapping her hands. "Whay?"

"I don't know what that means."

Avery sighed and pointed back at the house.

"Daddy. Hi."

"You want to know when you can say hi to daddy?"

"Yeah!"

"After lunch. You have time to take a nap."

Avery nodded and settled in for a nap, never wanting anyone else but her mama when she was sleepy.

"It's ridiculous how much she looks like you. She's got Adam's eyes but the rest is all you."

"I know. My mom said she acts like me too and she always makes the same face of disapproval."

"When you wrinkle your nose and narrow your eyes?"

"Yep."

Austin chuckled and played with the fraying on her jeans before she spoke.

"Do you think when we're dead and gone our kids will still do things like this together?"

"Well I hope we've raised them to be completely dependent on each other."

"Oh yeah, that's healthy."

"I think they realize we're a family, Austin. I know you guys have your parents close, but our kids don't have biological family in their day to day lives. This is all they know."

"Fake trumps real?"

"Most of the time."

"Well good. Because I don't think they will ever be understood by anyone else," she commented as Ben and Junior both bent over, put the tops of their heads on the sand and started to move in a circle.

"Bath night," Lindsay decided with a grin.

"Isn't every night bath night for your kids?"

"In the summer, yeah. They get so dirty. I don't know where it comes from, they're just constantly covered in stuff. And this one right here, I'm always finding dirt in all her little creases."

Austin snickered.

"She's got sand stuck to her snot."

"Sick."

Lindsay used her sleeve to clean off her daughter's face, then made a face at the mess it left.

"Hey Aust, when you were younger, did you think that you and Danny would end up together?"

"Depends on what age you're asking about. Or what day even. I guess I never really thought about it much. I kind of knew it would happen. Wasn't really planning on the kids though. That was a twist."

"Yeah, it's always a little surprising."

"Hey!" Colton yelped. "Isa's been pourin' something in my pants!"

"It's just sand, Colt! You had a crack showin'!"

"But what if I toot! I will make a sand storm."

"Colton, that's gross."

"I guess it's better'n the time daddy sprayed pressed air in there."

"That will teach you not to let that crack show," Isa said with a shrug. "Have fun walkin' Texas Ranger."

He gave her a puzzled look and stood up, thinking all the sand would fall out his pant leg. He was very wrong.

"Oh no! Mama, there is sand in places there is not supposed to be none! This is not comfortable! Ug, get it out!"

"Isabeth, why did you do that?"

"Because! I don't like butt cracks and his was showin'!"

"She's got a point there Aust," Lindsay remarked, watching as Colton danced around the beach.

"What do I do to get this sand out?"

"Take your pants off and shake it out," Lindsay replied simply, taking one of their towels and putting it around Avery to keep her warm from the wind that had started to pick up.

"Then I will be in my underwear on the beach! No way mama!"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"I need the bathroom," he sighed. "Isa, this is not something I think is funny."

"Well I asked you to pull your pants up four times Colt. What didja think I was gonna do about it?"

He glared at her and shook his head.

"Can we go back to the house now mama?"

"Yeah, I'll start lunch." She stood up from the sand and kept Avery close, grinning when Sarah ran to join them.

"I will help you with making lunch, auntie. I can count the plates."

"That would help me a lot, sweetie."

"Would you two quit talkin' and get over here to let me in the house?"

"Oh Colton," Lindsay sighed, unlocking the door and knowing he was going to make a trail of sand from the entryway to the bathroom but figuring that it might be a good idea to have Isa help clean it up.

Colton ran inside to the bathroom and slammed the door while Sarah giggled.

"Know what?"

"What?"

"That sand was my idea," Sarah confessed proudly. "I just whispered it to Isa and she did it on her own."

Lindsay laughed and shook her head.

"Sarah, I love you so much."

* * *

"They is here, they is here! Mama, we seen them out the window!" Ben whooped excitedly. "Can we go out there?"

"No, stay inside. They'll be in soon enough."

"Dunner, it's our daddies! Now our 'cation could start!"

"Yes! Now they will let us eat junk and stay up late, for that is a 'cation after all," Junior agreed happily. "Hurry up guys, I wanna have some marshmallows!"

"Over the fire! In S'mores, like mama done in 'Tana."

"Binyin, where is the 'Tana place were aunt Lin lived?"

"It's 'cross the country. When you fly in the plane then you see all the farms that's when you finded 'Tana."

"What else is there?"

"Cows! And tractors! And a rooster what cock-a-doodle-doos every mornin'!"

"Wow! You like it there?"

"I don't 'member it for I was little when we goed last time. But Cole 'members some. He played with goats."

"Did they eat cans?"

"I dunno."

"Hey Colton! Those goats in 'Tana eat cans?"

Colton shrugged.

"I only saw them eatin' regular goat food. One of the horses ate a apple clear outta my hand though."

"Wow! Ma, can we go to 'Tana sometime? I wanna feed a horse a apple and play with goats and hear a rooster cock-a-doodle-doo!"

"We'll see if we can make it through this vacation before we take another."

"Okay, that's fair. Look, they're comin' inside!"

All six kids rushed to their fathers squealing with joy as if they hadn't seen them in weeks. Stories tumbled out one on top of the other and Danny and Adam couldn't even try to keep up with all the kids were saying, so they just smiled and nodded. Isa climbed up into Danny's arms without his help and Sarah pouted until he leaned down and picked her up too. Junior just held onto his dad's leg, making it impossible for Danny to get anywhere. Colton and Ben grabbed both of Adam's hands and started to lead him around the house. Avery screamed at being left behind, then ran and buried her face in the couch, sobbing uncontrollably.

"Averylin."

"My daddy!"

"I know he's your daddy but you know what? I didn't get to say hi to him yet either."

Avery looked up at her mother, blinking a few times before wiping her own tears away.

"My daddy, mama."

"I know. I'm sure he wants to see you too, but let the boys show him around first okay?"

Avery sighed and held her hands up, smiling a little when she was picked up and snuggled.

"I love you, Avery."

"Avery love mama."

"Hey, are you throwing a fit over here?"

"Daddy!" she shrieked, throwing herself at Adam and completely forgetting Lindsay. She kissed his cheek and laughed when he rubbed his beard against her face.

"Hi Tink. Have you been good for mama?"

She nodded and hugged him around the neck. She was never happier than when she was with her daddy.

"I'm glad you guys didn't wreck or something," Lindsay said, leaning up to kiss him.

"Yeah, it woulda put a damper on the trip, huh?"

"Oh brother."

"I've got something to tell you later," he said, dropping his voice a little.

"Good somethin' or bad somethin'?"

"Good somethin'."

"Okay."

"Hey daddy! C'mere to the window and look at the thing we builded earlier! You can see it out there on the beach all by itself. See? It even gots a remote!"

"You mean a moat?"

"Yeah, that's what I said! We wanted to make a draw-bridge, but we didn't know how. Could you help me and Isa and Sarah?"

"Maybe tomorrow. We'll see."

"This is going to be the best vacation ever! Me and Isa already decided. Can we play all day tomorrow?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. Danny and I have a surprise for you kids, but you have to be good tomorrow, okay?"

The kids whooped excitedly but Lindsay and Austin were a little more wary of this surprise.

"Do you think we might need to figure out how to get to the closest Urgent Care center?"

"It would make me feel better," Lindsay agreed.

"So, are you two going to make some dinner?" Danny asked, mostly wondering if they already had, not really thinking that they should.

"Wait, when does this vacation start?"

"About the same time I find the number for a pizza place."

"Amen, sister."


	207. Chapter 207

"Mornin', Montana."

"Hey, you're up early," Lindsay commented, chuckling at his bedhead that looked so much like Juniors.

"Yeah. Austin's snoring."

Lindsay chuckled and set a cup of coffee down in front of him.

"Why are you awake?" he asked, taking a swig of the too hot beverage.

"Avery. She came into our room and climbed in bed and the next thing I knew I was falling out of it."

"Well that's rough."

"Yeah, but this just means Adam gets to be the one to change her morning diaper."

"Morning diapers are the worst."

"Exactly why I scrammed out."

Danny chuckled and rubbed his eyes, looking out the window as the sun rose.

"How's Colton been doin'?"

"Pretty good. We talk about things a lot. Adam just told me that we finally have a court date, and even if Colton wants to testify they're going to do a closed door interview."

"That might be best for him."

"Yeah. We never really thought the judge would let him testify, at least not in front of everyone, and Colton's not going to be happy about it, but at least he gets to have a hand in it."

"That's one brave kid you've got there. Gets it from you."

"No, not from me."

"It took a lot of courage for you to testify, Linds. I know you weren't a kid, I know it had been a long time since it happened, but it wasn't any less scary for you."

"Yeah."

"Between you and Adam as parents, Colton's going to get through this just fine."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Want help with breakfast?"

"Nah, that's alright. I've got a rhythm. You could set the table though."

"I think not, Montana."

"Male."

He nodded and took another drink of his coffee.

"Hey could I have a drink?" Isa asked from the doorway, her long hair spilling over her shoulders as she rubbed at her eyes.

"I don't think so, spastic."

"But daddy, I like the taste of coffee!"

"No you don't. Not this kind."

"But daddy!"

"Fine, have a drink."

Grinning victoriously, she took the mug and sipped it carefully, wrinkling her nose before spitting it right back into the mug.

"Why would you drink that? It tastes like the stuff they put on the street when they're fixin' it!"

"Montana, your coffee sucks."

"It does not!"

"Indy, that stuff is so gross!" Isa protested as Danny laughingly took another drink.

"Danny, you just drank that after she spat it back in."

He shrugged.

"I've done worse."

She just laughed and turned back to the stove as the rest of the kids started to filter into the room. They sat down at the table, save for Ben who walked over and wrapped his arms around his mama, making it almost impossible for her to move.

"Honey, I'm glad you love me, but this would be easier if you would walk with me a little."

"Could you hold me?"

"Not right this second. Go get daddy and tell him to come out here and hold you."

"But I want you, mama!"

She crouched down and hugged him tightly, rubbing his back to try and help him wake up.

"Is something bothering you?"

"I not used to wakin' up in that one room. Makes me nervous."

"Do you just need a little love?"

He nodded and she held him for another moment before he pulled away.

"Feel better now. Breakfast? Are you makin' pancakes?"

"Yes. Maybe you could set the table since Danny won't do it."

"Okay mama."

There was a pitter-patter of feet and Avery appeared in the doorway in just a diaper, her curly hair sticking up on one side of her head and matted down on the other side.

"Hi!" she said, raising her arms above her head. "I Avery!"

"Yeah, we know that," Colton said, rolling his eyes. "You have a saggy diaper."

She nodded and thought hard for a moment before expertly whipping the diaper off and letting it fall to the floor.

"Eww!" the kids all squealed together while Lindsay let out a long sigh.

"Averylin Grace, how many times have we talked about not taking off your diaper?"

"Ah mama. Eww."

"Danny, can you finish breakfast so I can clothe my streaker child?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Lindsay cleaned the dirty diaper up off the floor, then took Avery into the kids room to change her clothes.

"I can't believe you little girl," she started with a sigh. "Crazy child. I wish I could blame it on your daddy, but I know you take after me."

"Mama?"

"Yes dear?"

"Pretty."

"Who's pretty?"

"Mama!"

"Are you just trying to butter me up? It's working."

Avery smiled as the summer dress was pulled over her head.

"Side?"

"We'll go outside later. For now we need to do something about your hair. Should we go with your signature style? Or maybe a little Pebbles Flinstone action? Or maybe we can take advantage of the fact that your hair is long enough for down piggytails."

Avery nodded and sat still while Lindsay did her hair and buckled sandals onto her feet.

"There, all set."

"See?"

She really loved looking at herself in the mirror once her hair was done and she had an outfit on, and Lindsay was certain that was the only girly characteristic her daughter possessed.

"Ooh," Avery said, looking in the bathroom mirror. "This?"

"That's your normal pigtails just moved down a little."

"Oh. Avery pretty."

"Yes you are. Can I have kisses?"

"No!" she giggled, batting her eyelashes at herself in the mirror.

"Okay, time to go join the real world, chickabiddy. We don't need you having an obsession with your own reflection."

They went back into the kitchen where everyone was eating happily and there was already a syrup spill on the table.

"Daddy?"

"He's probably still in bed. You want to go get him?"

Avery nodded and ran off into the other bedroom, pushing the door open and walking over to the bed.

"Daddy? Daddy, up! Food!"

He grunted and moved a little, and she giggled, sticking her finger up his nose.

"Okay, I'm up!" he said, yawning and looking down at her with a grin.

"Avery pretty," she said softly, holding her dress out so he could see it. "See hair?"

"Yeah, mama did it different today."

She nodded seriously and tugged on his hand.

"Up, daddy. Play Avery."

"But my bed is so comfortable! I don't want to ever leave it."

She shook her head and pulled on his hand again. Laughing maniacally, he picked her up and tossed her in the air above his head, grinning when she squealed with delight. Her legs kicked in the air and she clapped her hands, her face begging him to do it again. They played like that for a while, both laughing together as he gently tossed her onto the bed and tickled her stomach.

"More daddy!"

"I can't do that. I'm exhausted. Time for me to go back to sleep."

"Daddy, food."

"Oh there's food? Well we must go and have some."

She nodded as he scooped her up and took her out into the kitchen where she announced his entrance.

"See daddy!" she hollered, raising her arms happily. "My daddy!"

"Yeah, he's pretty awesome or somethin'," Austin teased, pouring Isa a glass of milk.

"Awesome daddy," Avery repeated.

"And don't you forget it."

"Cake!" she replied, reaching for the pancake on Ben's plate.

"No! Daddy, belt her in 'afore she steals my pancakes what got blueberries in 'em!"

Adam chuckled and settled Avery into the high chair, then sat down on the other side of her.

"Bacon!" she said quite plainly, her eyes growing wide. "Bacon!"

"Okay chubs, you can have some bacon."

She ate it happily while everyone else finished up their breakfast and the rest of the kids went to get dressed.

"Well, I guess Adam can do the dishes since he was the last one up," Lindsay said quickly as she, Austin and Danny vacated the table.

Adam sighed and looked over at Avery who was happily working on a pancake.

"Your mama always makes me do the dishes. Maybe when you get older you'll be my dish washing buddy. What do you think about that?"

"Okay daddy," she agreed with a nod as he turned on the docked iPod and set it to shuffle. He stacked up the dishes and put them in the sink, then ran the hot water over them as he brought everything else to the sink. Avery watched him carefully from her chair, giggling as he half danced across the linoleum and sang along with the old song.

"Tell me why, I love you like I do. Tell me who can stop my heart as much as you. Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you some of mine. They say nobody's perfect well that's really true this time."

Avery hollered along with him until he picked her up and danced around the kitchen with her, singing the rest of the song.

"I don't have the answers, I don't have a plan, all I have is you so darlin' help me understand. What we do- you can whisper in my ear, where we go- who knows what happens after here. Let's take each other's hands as we jump into the final frontier. Mad about you baby. Whoa, mad about you!"

Avery laughed heartily as he spun them around once more, then leaned against the counter, kissing her cheek.

"Your mama and I used to watch that show all the time when we were dating," he started, spinning one of her pigtails around his finger. "I think it helped us fall in love."

He could have construed her expression as an eye roll and a sigh, but she was about ten or eleven years too young for that, so he assumed it was approval.

"If you decide to fall in love someday, it had better be with someone that loves you as much as I love your mama."

"Mama!" Avery repeated, pointing at the doorway where Lindsay was standing watching them. She was grinning at their interaction and walked slowly to them, kissing Adam quickly.

"What's that look in your eyes, Mrs. Ross?"

"Nothin'."

"Nothin'? It's not the "I want another baby because look at what an awesome daddy you are?" I know that look pretty well babe."

"You are an awesome daddy, but that doesn't mean I want another baby. I think we would have to wait until Avery's out of the house because she is much too much work right now."

"I can agree with that."

"Avery work!"

"Yeah kid, you're a full time job."

* * *

The rest of the day was spent on the beach, running in hundreds of directions, making sand castles, splashing through the waves and picking up shells. The kids were thrilled when a group of wild horses were spotted in the tall grasses and they spent the next half hour watching them and begging to go over there and see them closer.

Lunch was eaten on the beach and Avery settled in for a nap while the rest of the kids engaged in a story telling session, which they whispered and refused to share with their parents. Around dinner time a strong wind came up, forcing them inside for the rest of the evening. It was a quick dinner of tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches before Adam and Danny were ready for their surprise for the kids.

"Inside these bags are several items. There will be no fighting over any of them. You are all going to use them to make yourselves costumes."

"What kind of costumes daddy?" Colton asked curiously.

"Costumes for the fight of the century. You're going to need to come up with names for yourselves too. We'll meet you back out here in twelve minutes."

The kids grabbed the bags and scrambled into their bedroom while Austin and Lindsay raised skeptical eyebrows at their husbands.

"Hey, you were the ones that stuck us in the car together for a day. Did you really think we weren't gonna come up with something like this?"

"If there are any injuries you two will never hear the end of it."

"We figured. Here, someone needs to be the videographer and someone else can be the announcer," Danny said, handing over the video camera. Lindsay and Austin just looked at each other as the guys left the room.

"I don't know about this."

"You man the camera, I'll be the announcer," Austin offered, standing up from the couch.

"You mean you're okay with this?"

"Yeah. I'm going to turn on Jock Jams."

Lindsay considered playing the worried, cautious, thrill-killing mother for just a moment before Sarah and Isa came out of the bedroom, decked out in cheap athletic shorts, princess tiaras and visors, among other things.

"Indy, can you do my hair crazy? I want to be scary when they come out here to do battle."

"Crazy how?"

"Stickin' up everywhere."

"Okay."

"The boys is puttin' makeup on themselves," Sarah reported as Austin pulled her hair into a wild ponytail. "And they put football lines on Averylin."

"Football lines?"

"The black lines that the football men wear under their eyes!"

"Yeah Indy, she looks funny! She is wearin' a giganto shirt and a tie!"

Lindsay chuckled and fought Isa's hair into something crazy as the boys and Avery joined them. Their outfits were just as strange and Colton requested a ponytail high atop his head too because then they would not recognize him and he could get the upper hand.

"We need to make up fighter names," Isa decided after a moment. "Like Andre the Giant, only better ones."

"Yeah. Cole, you could be Cole the Constipated!"

"I'm not constipated!"

"That what they call the boss cops in jolly England!"

"You mean Constable, honey."

"Yeah, that thing what mama said!"

"No, I don't like that one. Isa, you could be Isa the Beth!"

"Or I could not," she fired back crossing her arms. "Daniel the Destructor! That's a good one!"

"Yeah!" Junior whooped, fist pumping. "I will be that Destructor. Binyin, what are you gonna be?"

"I gonna be Ben the Binyin. How about sissy, what we call her?"

"How 'bout Avery the Annihilator?" Isa suggested.

"That's good Is," Colton confirmed. "How 'bout you can be Isa the Incorrigible. That's what mama always says daddy is and it means stubborn."

"I am really stubborn!" Isa said with a happy nod. "Now we just need names for you and Sarah."

"I will be Sarah the Sly," Sarah decided. "Because no one will ever 'spect me to be such a great warrior."

"And I will be Colton the Courageous! They use that word a lot in my books."

"You kids might want to come up with a game plan," Austin chuckled, watching the excitement in their eyes.

"Mama," Avery whispered as the older kids began to come up with a strategy. "I wrestle."

"You ready for that?"

"Yep!"

"You'd better go over there and join your teammates."

She toddled over happily and Lindsay moved across the room to the fireplace where she could stand on the hearth and get a better angle on the entire match. Austin stood next to her, giggling and unsure if she could carry out her announcer duties without dying of laughter first. The kids looked so funny, dressed in clearance clothes that didn't fit, their hair messed up and their accessories useless and cheap. They certainly were a menacing bunch of ragamuffins. They stood in a huddle and put their hands in the middle as they'd seen on TV so many times.

"We got to chant somethin' like that 2, 4, 6, 8 thing," Colton said, trying to remember how it went.

"I know what you're talking about," Isa said, leading them all in a pre-game chant. "One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!"

After they had whooped and hollered their intentions of winning, Austin directed them to go into the kitchen and then come out when she called their names. Nearly trembling with excitement they obeyed her instructions and waited while she started the music and Lindsay started filming.

Using a booming voice, Austin announced all six kids, who came out of the kitchen totally pumped up and dancing to the music. They were absolutely ready for this.

"Are you ready to RUMBLE?" came two voices from the hallway. The kids turned and looked, laughing as their fathers emerged looking just has ridiculous as they did. Adam was making vicious faces and growling while he flexed his muscles, but Danny was pirouetting behind him, which was only fitting, as he was wearing a purple tutu. Adam noticed the dancing and turned to his counterpart confusedly.

"What are you doing?"

"What are you doing?" Danny countered. He had been under the impression that they were trying to be goofy.

"I can't… I don't think… there is no way I can even announce this," Austin said, unable to stop laughing at the pair of them. Besides the tutu, Danny was wearing an "I heart Nickelback" t-shirt and a pair of white jeggings, along with a blue bandana on his head. Adam looked even worse, as he was wearing a pair of hot pink capris with flowers on the hem, a jockstrap, an Arizona Cardinals t-shirt that was three sizes too small, and a red and white plastic gingham table cloth as a cape. The bandana on his head was yellow and he was wearing his sunglasses backwards. They were a lot more unsightly than the kids were and Lindsay was sure that whoever watched this video would get seasick from the way the camera was shaking due to her suppressed laughter.

The wrestling match commenced without another word as the kids rushed their dads and they all fell to the floor, pushing and tugging on each other, but mostly laughing. Avery stood off to the side, cheering and waiting for a time when she could enter the fight. It was a little too rambunctious for her at the moment, but she was happy to watch for now.

The boys all used their body weight to try and get the advantage, while Isa yelled and Sarah randomly slapped at people with a lone slipper. At one point Avery seized the moment and grabbed onto the back of the jockstrap Adam was wearing, pulling it as hard as she could and shaking it as if it were the reins on a horse while she squealed joyously.

"Ahhh, I breaked my spleen!" Ben shouted, giggling as he tumbled off Danny's back and onto the floor.

"Get up Binyin! Quit bellyachin' about your spleen! We gotta win this fight."

Valiantly, Ben stood up and went in for round two while Avery jumped onto the couch, exhausted from her efforts. Isa and Colton were working together to beat up on Danny, who was actually putting up a little bit of a fight, but getting tired when matched up against their combined energies. Ben, Junior, and Sarah were attacking Adam, mostly with couch cushions that they couldn't toss with much force. Austin's announcing had fallen by the wayside before it had really started, and once the kids started to really get tired, Lindsay shut the camera off.

"That was the most funnest thing ever," Isa decided, panting as she lay on the floor. "Can we do it again sometime?"

"Maybe a rematch before we go home."

"Who winned?" Ben asked, pulling his arms under his head and staring at the ceiling. "Or is we gonna have to ask them women folk?"

Lindsay and Austin glanced at each other for a moment, not needing to discuss their thoughts at all.

"The daddies are the winners in the costume portion of the evening," Austin started, smirking at the way Danny's tutu had ridden up.

"And the kids are the winners in the wrestling match."

"Whoo-hoo! We winned, we winned, the daddies lost and we winned!" Isa said, standing up from the floor and jumping around. "In your face suckas! We are the champions my friend!"

Growling loudly, Danny grabbed her around the waist and tossed her onto the couch, tickling her sides. Avery clapped as all the hullaballoo rocked the couch and bounced her up and down. Wanting to defend Isa, she crawled over to them and did a flying leap onto Danny's back, screaming out a babbling battle cry as she did so, holding onto his neck with one arm while the other was raised in the air in toddler victory. Adam started to make his way over to pull her away, but Colton and Ben circumvented his plan by wrestling him down to the floor.

"Free Isa! Sarah, Junior, you're her only hope!" Colton hollered. Sarah and Junior both jumped on their dad, distracting him enough that Isa managed to slip away from him. The ensuing battle was even more zealous than the first and about halfway through Lindsay and Austin were pulled into the fray.

"No, I'm not dressed for this!" Austin protested.

"Here ma, have my tiara! Now you look like one of us!" Isa said proudly, plopping the plastic toy onto Austin's head.

"Well that's good but how do you expect to keep your daddy from ticklin' me?"

"Just tickle 'im back!"

While the Messer kids helped their mother out, the Ross kids had flopped loyalties and were helping Adam hold Lindsay down on the floor and he was tickling her sides unmercifully. She squealed and tried to get away, and Avery, caught up in the fervor, leaned down and blew a raspberry on her neck.

"Ahhh!"

"Ew Aves, that was juicy!"

Avery sat back up and chortled, clapping her hands at her cleverness.

"Gotta be fair, time to get daddy!" Ben announced, changing allegiances. They muscled Adam to the floor but it wasn't long before parents turned on children again and soon after, everyone crashed into laughing heaps on the floor. Avery puttered around checked on everyone, patting their faces and making sure they were okay.

"Well kids, seems like it might be time to turn in."

"Oh, do we have to?"

"It's getting late."

"We're on vacation!" Colton and Isa protested in unison.

"That doesn't stop time. Come on kidlets, off to bed."

There was a little groaning and complaining as the kids had their faces scrubbed and their clothes changed, but by the time they hit the pillows they were yawning too much to argue anymore. They would probably chatter well into the night, but as the minutes slipped by, they would all drift off to sleep.

Leaving the door open a crack, exhausted parents made their way back to the couches, flopping down on them and not uttering a word for several minutes.

"Danny you're still wearing a tutu," Lindsay commented with a snicker.

"It fits like a dream," he said with a yawn. Austin rolled her eyes and pushed on him and he snorted and pushed her back.

"I don't know about you lunatics, but I'm going to bed," Adam announced, rubbing his eyes and standing up from the couch. "You comin' babe?"

"Yeah sure, if you carry me," she sighed, figuring all his playfulness and energy had been expended and he would refuse. He surprised her by sliding one arm behind her and the other under her knees, lifting her off the couch and heading towards their bedroom.

"You two behave in there!" Austin called after them.

"You're stealin' my thunder, Messer!" Adam called back before pushing the door shut with his foot and dropping Lindsay on the bed.

"Well that certainly set the tone for the rest of the evening."

"Wrong tone hon. I'm going straight to sleep."

She sat there with a grumpy face while he changed his clothes and slid into bed without another word.

"You're a tease, Adam Ross. A major tease."

"Mm-hmm."

She unceremoniously dropped her pillow onto his head, then stood up from the bed and changed her clothes.

"So you're really going to sleep?"

"Yup," he answered from under her pillow.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yup, I'm sure."

"Can you look me in the face and say that?"

"Why do you think I haven't rolled back over yet?"

She chuckled and slid in behind him, making one last effort to get him to change his mind.

"Fine, we'll compromise. Let me sleep now, and you can wake me up early if you lock the door."

"Deal."

He rolled over and pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head.

"I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you in a couple hours."

He laughed but the look on her face said she was not joking and he quieted after a moment.

"I can't believe you sometimes babe."

"Says the man who was wearing a jockstrap and a table cloth."


	208. Chapter 208

A/N: The kids' adventure was the request of a faithful reader and reviewer, afrozenheart412! It was so much fun to write, thanks for the suggestion!

Sorry this one took me so long to finish. I've been having a hard time with chapter endings lately, no matter how long winded I am beforehand. Happy reading!

* * *

The kids were much too excited to sleep that night and while Avery drifted off fairly quickly, the rest of the kids stayed up whispering to each other for quite a while. They were too busy planning their day tomorrow to sleep. They were going to Roanoke Island first thing in the morning and not only would they visit the aquarium, they would also get to go to the Roanoke Island Festival Park where they would get to spend most of the day at an interactive museum. Colton and Isa were excited to tell the rest of the kids all about the Lost Colony and Sarah corrected their story a few times while Ben and Junior listened attentively.

"What if we disappear on Row-Your-Boat Island?" Ben asked curiously.

"We won't disappear. We are not settlers."

"But them settlers didn't think they was gonna disappear!"

"Well I don't got all the answers in the world Ben, but I know we are not gonna disappear, okay?"

"I am creeped out," Junior sighed. "Where did the people go?"

"I been tryna figure that one out since kindergarten," Colton sighed, feeling as if it was such a long time ago.

"I don't mean to interrupt," Sarah said quietly. "But I just noticed that Averylin is not here anymore."

"What?" Colton asked, sitting up in bed.

"Well she was right here sleeping and then when I got up to go potty she must have woked up and left and when I comed back, you see I am not used to sharin' a bed with someone so I didn't notice she was gone until just now!"

"We have to go find her," Colton decided, climbing out of bed. "She is just a little baby in a strange house and she might get herself all lost and scared."

"Yeah, she is our sissy, it's our 'sponsibility to find her."

"Plus if she gets in trouble for bein' up, we don't want her to be too sad," Junior added.

"It's settled," Isa concluded. "We need to go find Avery. Now, who has ever listened to the moms and dads do the boring talk about work? Anyone? What do we do first?"

"I don't listen to the boring talk, but I have watched _Blues Clues_," Sarah said with a shrug. "We need a notepad for making lists of clues."

"I got one," Colton said, opening his backpack and peering inside until he found what he was looking for. "And a pen. Who will write down clues?"

"I will do it. I have good handwriting," Isa offered, joining him by the door.

"I will be the leader detective. Because I shoulda been watchin' her," Sarah said. She took her baseball hat off the dresser and put it on, then grabbed Isa's hat and put it on backwards, making her own version of a Sherlock Holmes hat.

"What about the little boys?"

"We are not little, Isa!" Ben protested. "We are going to be the two cop friends. Like Jon and Ponch on the old, old show. Or like Ryan and Esperoni on that show what mama and Austin like 'bout the man what's called Castle."

"Uh, okay…" Isa agreed hesitantly, not sure what he had just said.

"We had better go, and go quietly," Colton said, pressing a finger to his lips. "We don't want to 'tract 'tention. Now, if any of us was the baby Aves, where would we go?"

They all thought for a minute before coming to a unanimous decision.

"To the kitchen!"

They tiptoed out of the big bedroom, down the dark hallway, stopping once when Isa stubbed her toe on the doorjamb. Colton clapped his hand over her mouth to keep her from yelling and in a moment they were moving again, down the half flight of stairs and into the quiet kitchen.

"Averylin is not here," Sarah said, her voice quavering. "Now what?"

"We need to see if she was here," Colton reassured. "She does have a headstart. See over there on the floor? Those cookie crumbs and her binkie? That means she was here. She eated a cookie off the plate on the table and she left her binkie there because she probably took the cookie with her. Ben, gimme your glasses."

Ben handed them over without argument and Colton used them as if they were a magnifying glass, inspecting the linoleum closely for any sign of cookie crumbs.

"Well, anyone have a idea where Aves went next?"

"She always gots to take a bath after she eats. Maybe she is in the bathroom."

They made their way out of the kitchen and to the bathroom by the front door, finding it closed. They peeked inside anyway, but deduced that Avery would not have gone in here, because she was too short to reach the doorknob. There was still one other bathroom to check, so they went back up the stairs and peeked in there. She was no where to be found and Sarah's chin was starting to quiver as her worry increased. Colton took her hand and held it tightly for a moment until she calmed down.

"It's okay, Sarah. We know Aves is in this house. She did not get taked by someone. She leaved the room by her ownself. She eated a cookie so we know she is not hungry. We also know that she does not have her binkie so she might be crying soon, and we need to find her before that because we don't want her to get in trouble for all this. Aves likes to go sleep in bed with mama and daddy, so maybe she is in there. We will have to be quiet just in case, okay?"

Sarah nodded and took a deep breath, keeping hold of Colton's hand while they all walked down the hallway. Slowly, Colton turned the knob and peeked inside the room, finding just his parents asleep in the bed. He closed the door again, taking extra time to do it so it wouldn't make a noise.

"It's getting late," Isa said, looking down at her notes. "Avery's probably tired now. Maybe she went somewhere to have a sleep."

"But she was sleepin' in bed just fine," Colton noted. "Maybe we missed her. Maybe she went back into the bedroom!"

Excited about this new turn in the case, the kids trooped off to the bedroom. Avery however, was not curled up in bed sleeping peacefully like they all imagined.

"Maybe she goed in one of them other rooms," Junior suggested, gesturing down the hallway at the few bedrooms that weren't being used. "There's beds in them too."

"That's a good idea. Should we split up and look?"

"I am too scared to split up!" Ben moaned. "Please let's stick together."

"Okay Ben."

"And if we don't find sissy in these rooms, it will be time to call Mac and Cheese."

"You call Jo Cheese?" Isa asked, appalled.

"Yeah. Sometimes I call her Jo-Jo, but when I say her name with Mac, I call her Cheese! Because them go together."

"He called Ellie Hot Dog because that's what he likes with his Mac and Cheese."

"Yep."

"Ben," Isa sighed, placing her hand on her hip. "You are one strange, weird kid."

"I just bein' who I are."

The discussion ended as they ventured down the hallway, peeking into the first room and finding it empty. Sarah began to sniffle and Isa took a few seconds to give her a pep talk in the hallway before they entered the second empty room.

There laying on the floor in a deep sleep was Avery. She was missing a sock and was snoring loudly, but they were all so relieved that they just stood there staring at her for a minute.

"Isn't she so cute sleepin' like that?" Isa asked with a sigh.

"Yep, my sissy is just a doll. That's what Granna says."

"We had better bring her back to bed," Colton said with a nod. "I can carry her top part if someone else will carry her feet part."

Sarah agreed to help him and he reached down to pick up his little sister. She whimpered in her sleep and he kissed her forehead to calm her down while Sarah grabbed her legs. Isa spotted for them while Ben and Junior ran ahead, pulling the covers back on the bed so they could put Avery straight into bed.

"Aves, you'd better not do nothin' like that again," Colton whispered, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

"Yeah, Averylin. I was worried sick," Sarah said, climbing into the bed and wrapping an arm around her little friend. Colton knelt down and tucked the blankets in tightly on one side of the bed while Isa tucked them in on the other side, making sure Avery wouldn't escape again tonight.

"Boy Binyin," Junior started as the kids all climbed back into their beds. "Your sissy is very stressin'."

"Yup, she is. Now you knowed why my mama and daddy sleep so much!"

"I always thinked it was 'cuz they liked sleepin' with each other and cuddlin'."

"That's part too. You like to cuddle, Dunner?"

"Nah, it's a girl thing and boys only do it to make their girls happy and I don't got a girl to make her happy."

"We had better get some sleep. Tomorrow is gonna be a exhaustin' day."

"Goodnight all the rest of the kids," Sarah said with a yawn. "I love you all."

"Love you too Sarah. We will all see each other in the morning."

* * *

How they ended up at the island fifteen minutes before anything opened was a complete mystery and a miracle at the same time. It was also an inconvenience because it meant they were going to have to entertain the kids for a long stretch of time and that had never proved to be easy before. They could have gone down to the beach, but it was a little windy and the kids had taken to screaming when the wind was too heavy.

"Well… what should we do?" Austin asked as they sat in the parking lot.

"Eat!" Avery suggested, even though she'd just barely finished breakfast.

"Besides eating, Duchess of Gluttony," Lindsay clarified, rolling her eyes.

"We could tell you 'bout our detective work we did last night," Sarah suggested.

"No we can't! That was just for us kids."

"Oh that's right. Well we could not tell you about that."

A silence descended on the car and they all just sat there for a minute or two before Lindsay told all the kids to get out.

"What are we doing? We don't play in parkin' lots!"

"We're not playin' we're dancin'!"

The kids all looked at each other for a second, then bolted out of the car and onto the rapidly warming asphalt, dancing crazily around to the random song on the radio. It was the perfect activity to keep them occupied and get their wiggles out and by the time everything opened they were in very good moods.

"Hey mama, I need to show you the writing what daddy done on my arm in this morning," Ben said as Lindsay fixed Avery's shoes. He turned sideways and showed her the marker tattoo on his arm, a heart with the word mother in it.

"I telled ya I was gonna do it," he said, tracing over it with his finger. "It's for how much I love you."

Smiling she crouched down and kissed his cheek.

"I love you very much, Benjamin."

"I know that. And that's how I learned to love you too."

"Hey c'mon Binyin!" Junior hollered, motioning for him to join the rest of the kids.

"I'm comin'!" Ben shouted back, taking off running across the parking lot. Lindsay chuckled as she watched him go, then closed up the car and followed him. They were already standing in line for the tour of the recreated settlement site and the kids were hopping around with excitement, wondering what they were going to see.

"Is someone going to take pictures of everything? I want to take them to school so I can show my friends what I did this summer."

"Hey Colt, that was my idea first! I want to show people it!"

"But we got different friends, Isa! That means I could show mine and you could show yours and we could show our same friends together."

She paused for a moment, then placed her hands on her hips as she stared him down.

"You got friends I don't know about? That's not fair Colt! You got some other best friend hiding somewhere too?"

"Geez, what's the matter with you?"

She grumped at him and stomped off to go stand with Austin while he was left bewildered.

"Excuse me daddy, but what just happened?"

Adam shrugged and shook his head.

"I have no idea, kid."

"Mama?"

"Sometimes Isa's girly side comes out."

"That was not girly, that was mean."

"I just mean that sometimes us girls are a wee bit irrational."

"Buddy, the best thing you can do is go over there and talk to her."

Colton sighed and walked over to Isa, taking her hand and not saying a word. She smiled up at him and all was forgotten as the tour finally started. The guide started up his introductory speech about what they would see that day and about the rules for the tour. After a few moments he asked if anyone had questions. Nearly jumping out of his sandals, Ben's hand shot up in the air.

"Excuse me. But how did the people get here in the whole first place?"

"Well, a lot of them came on boats."

"Did they row the boats? Is that why it's Row-Your-Boat Island?"

"Actually, it's called Roanoke Island."

"But why? If they rowed their boats?"

"It was named after the Roanoke Carolina Algonquian people who inhabited the island when the English settlers arrived."

"Oh! Well that's a much better answer than my brother gaved me. He just said I was bein' stupid for not listenin' to what he was saying."

The tour guide chuckled a little.

"You must be pretty creative because you're the first kid that's ever asked me if it's called Row-Your-Boat Island."

"Yeah, or somethin'," Ben agreed, suddenly shy as he noticed that people were looking at him. "Let's go get on with it."

* * *

They spent far more time exploring on the island than they had intended, but the kids turned out to be far more engaged in everything than they'd predicted. Most of the morning was spent practicing their hands at blacksmithing, looking around at some of the houses to see how people had lived when they first came to the island, and there was even a gun demonstration. After lunch they'd visited the Elizabeth II, a replica ship from the era. The kids had never been more excited in their lives, and they got to help set the sails and swab the decks while Danny stayed on dry land with Avery, claiming that he would most certainly be seasick, even anchored in eight feet of water.

After so many bustling activities, the kids were more than happy to sit in a cool, dark theater for an hour and watch a play about a boy named Jim who has to walk the plank. Avery sat through most of it, but had to be carried out in the last ten minutes because she was making too much noise and kept hitting Junior on the back of the head. After the play they managed to squeeze in an hour at the adventure museum where the kids got to dress up in period costumes and learn about pirates and shipwrecks. Their excited chatter and seemingly boundless energy was only a warning of the crankiness to come if they didn't get some dinner in them promptly.

They were soon headed back to the house where the kids ran around the living room, talking about their day and reenacting things that had happened. Colton, Isa and Sarah seemed to retain most of the historical information, even remembering important dates and names. Ben and Junior were more enthralled with the pirates and the ship while Avery was still excited that she'd been allowed to help churn butter.

"I think we should feed them, bathe them, then send them to bed early," Danny suggested, stretching as the adults created an assembly line to get the proper food onto the proper plates.

"We promised them a beach bonfire," Lindsay reminded him. "And we can't let them down now."

"Yeah, they overheard us talking about S'Mores, we'll never hear the end of it if they don't get any. And you two men are stuck in the car with all of them, all the way back to New York. You can be sure they'll be whining about S'mores the entire trip," Austin added.

"Okay, okay. But after that bonfire, they're going to bed."

Six plates loaded with food were carried out onto the back deck and placed on the picnic table just seconds before six kids came rushing over, ravenous and impatient, even if it was just sandwiches and watermelon.

"Do you ever look at them all and just get dizzy?" Lindsay muttered, watching as Avery practically demolished her watermelon down to the rind.

"They're like a group of tornadoes."

"Tomatoes?"

"Lin, you need some rest," Austin chuckled. "Tomatoes, that's a good one."

"Shut up; I've got three tornadoes and you just have one, and two strong wind gusts."

"When we get back home, I will trade you kids for a day."

"That can't go no place but disaster."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"Come on, let's get some adult food in us. I will die just subsisting on sandwiches all week long."

"Subsisting is quite a big word for you, Aust. I'm proud."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Look at my mustache!" Junior hollered, having spread peanut butter above his lip. "I am a real grown up man!"

"What real grown up man do you know that has a mustache?"

Junior thought for a second, then spread the peanut butter all over his face.

"I'm Uncle Cupcake!"

Ben gave him a strange look.

"Dunner, you are not my daddy, you are just a peanut butter face."

"Butter!" Avery hollered, stretching her arm as far as it would go to nab some of the peanut butter from Junior's face. "Yum!"

"Okay, that was cute, but you just see how much you like peanut butter on your face," Austin said before going inside.

"That is pretty gross, Daniel," Sarah chirped, shaking her head.

"Yep and sticky too! But we get to be messy when we's eatin' in the outside."

Austin closed the screen door and shook her head, hoping that the peanut butter would be the biggest mess of the night.

"So maybe you two can settle this debate for us," Adam started as the four of them sat down to dinner.

"No they can't settle this debate," Lindsay scoffed.

"I'm sure you've already told Austin anyway."

"Told me what?"

"I want another baby and she doesn't."

"I have three kids and two hands. I think I'm sufficiently outnumbered, don't you?"

"But you're so good at it."

"He's going with flattery, Aust. Can you believe this?"

"Um…"

"I'm not having another. I'm not. I'm too tired."

"You promised me a quiver full."

"Yeah, that's before we got married, when I was stupid."

"Are you trying to say you're stupid for marrying me?"

"In this conversation, yeah."

"I object. We already have three kids, what's one more?"

"One more is one more, Adam."

"Meaning?"

"Look out there. Six kids, perfectly balanced table. The noise level is just right. You want to add one more into it?"

"Yes, I do."

"We can get another dog then."

"Linds."

"I am not getting pregnant again. If you want another baby, you're going to have to pay some woman to pop it out for you because my body is not doing that again."

"Aw come on!"

"No."

"What ever happened to compromise?"

"My uterus had a veto vote and it used it."

"Okay, I could have gone my whole life without hearin' that," Danny chuckled shaking his head. "I think I'm going to have to side with Montana on this one."

"Hey, no one asked you."

"You asked me, dude."

"I'm sorry honey," Lindsay said, patting Adam's hand. "If you really want a compromise I'll make one. I will have another baby. Once Avery's moved out."

"Okay, well then there's still hope."

They shook on it and Austin rolled her eyes.

"So you guys didn't really need us for this, did you?"

"We like an audience."

"Oh brother. Danny, aren't you glad we're normal?"

The laughter that followed that comment was much louder than the kids outside.

* * *

It took a long time to set up the bonfire, partly because Austin and Adam complained about having to haul the wood down from the house and partly because Lindsay and Danny kept arguing about the best way to actually make a bonfire. Eventually they got it going though and the kids all sat around it, entranced by the light and warmth.

"Hey babe, come walk with me," Adam said, standing up from the sand and holding his hand out. Lindsay took it and he helped her up while Ben asked if he could go too.

"No Ben. Only mama is babe and that's the only person daddy invited."

"Well I was askin' him to 'vite me too," Ben grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You can go on a walk with me later," Adam reassured before he and Lindsay set off across the sand. He held her hand gently as they walked towards the water stopping to pick up smooth rocks along the way.

"Hey honey?"

"Hmm?"

"You know, I'm okay with not having more kids," he started, turning a rock over and over in his free hand before skipping it over the waves. "There are times I want more, but overall, I really am happy with three."

"I just don't want you to be mad at me for saying no."

"I'm not mad honey. I understand."

"It's not that I don't love the kids we have. I really do and I know I would love any other kids we had. But I just don't think I can do it again."

"I know. That's okay. I'm still happier with three than I thought I ever could be in my life."

She nodded and he pulled her into his arms, kissing the top of her head and just standing there for a while.

"I love you Linds."

"I love you too."

"I'm really, really happy."

"Me too."

"Can I ask you one thing?"

"Sure."

"Are you opposed to adopting someday?"

"No. I always had it in the back of my mind that we might do that someday."

"Something to think about."

"Very true."

"For now, want to go back and join the kids we've already got?"

"Kiss me first?"

"Yeah, I guess I wouldn't mind fulfilling that request a few times."

"Then shut up and do it."

From across the beach, Austin chuckled as she watched them.

"What?"

"Remember when you used to say that he wasn't good enough for her?"

Danny hmm'ed and watched the pair as they walked back to the fire.

"Yeah. I didn't think anyone was good enough for her. Or crazy enough, either one."

"You think anyone was good enough for me?"

"Nope."

"Not even you?"

"Nope."

Suddenly Avery burst into song, babbling a happy nonsense as she kept her eyes closed and gently swayed back and forth. No one paid her much mind while they started roasting marshmallows and preparing S'mores for everyone. Sarah threw her arm around Avery's shoulders and swayed along with her, while Ben and Junior whispered to each other about how they were going to make their S'mores. It was quiet and peaceful and simple, the perfect ending to a perfect day.

"Waaaaaaaa!" Avery screeched suddenly, raising her arms in the air as she swayed back and forth.

"Somebody shut her up!" Danny begged while Adam shoved a small dessert at his daughter.

"Honey look, a S'more!"

"Waaaa- oh! Haaa!" she said happily, grabbing it and taking a huge bite. "Yummy!"

"See, I told you she's a handful," Lindsay chuckled, raising an eyebrow at her daughter. "And really, really weird."

"No auntie, Averylin is not weird, she is just Averylin and that's good enough for me."

"It's good enough for me too," Lindsay agreed as Avery finished her treat and clapped in approval.

"More?"

"No more tonight, honey."

Avery would have protested but she was too busy inspecting the marshmallow and chocolate that were all over her hands. She whimpered in distress and looked around, hating having anything on her hands, surprisingly.

"It's okay Averylin, just wipe it on your pants."

She did, but then saw the resulting mess on her pants and burst into tears.

"There, there, it's okay Averylin!"

"Sleepy!" Avery replied, rubbing her eyes and whimpering. Adam went over and picked her up and she leaned into him, obviously exhausted.

"Did you need your daddy?" Lindsay asked with a chuckle, knowing the feeling of just needing Adam.

"Yes. My daddy."

"Are you going to go to sleep now?"

"Yes. Sleep. Hand, mama."

"You want me to hold your hand?"

"Yes."

The fire crackled and the night became darker as the kids became tired and cuddly. Colton had his arm around Isa as she leaned on his shoulder and yawned. Sarah had traded the sand for her daddy's lap and the little boys were snuggled up with their mothers, close to falling asleep. It was as peaceful a night as any of them could have planned, and while they may not all remember it the same or even at all, it would remain a fixed point in their family timeline forever.


	209. Chapter 209

"And that would be next summer?" Lindsay asked, running her fingers through her hair while her mom chattered on the other end of the phone.

"Yes, probably in August before everyone goes back to school. Do you think you guys could come?"

"We'd have to talk about it. We were planning on Arizona next year but we might be able to figure out a way to do both."

"Well don't feel like you have to, but it would be nice for you to catch up with some of your cousins."

"Yeah it would," she agreed as Austin walked into the room and flopped down on the bed. "I'll talk to Adam about it and we'll try to figure something out."

"Okay honey. I'll let you go so you can get back to your vacation. I love you."

"Love you too mom. Bye."

She hung up the phone and raised her eyebrows at Austin whose hair was an untamable entity this morning.

"Hello."

"Hey."

"You came to visit?"

"The kids are loud and it's quiet in here."

"Well it was."

"Shut up. Hey why did Adam leave at like eleven last night?"

"He had to go to the store and pick something up."

"What?"

"What do you think he had to go to the store to get late at night?"

"Ice-cream?"

"You cannot be this clueless."

"What?" she asked slowly before realization dawned on her. "Oh ew! Why do I even ask questions anymore?"

Lindsay chuckled as Austin pretended to gag.

"Gross! He had to do to the store that late… for that? You didn't pack enough? Sickos!"

"I did pack enough but I couldn't find them."

"Avery's probably squirreling them away, thinking they're candy."

"You jest, but it's very possible."

"Oh wait, and then you used them? On this bed? Gross!"

She jumped off the bed and brushed her clothes off as if she was infested with something. Lindsay just laughed and shook her head.

"When you're done being thirteen…"

"I could have gone without knowing that. Couldn't you two hold off for one night?"

"We could have but we decided not to."

"Okay I don't need to hear this."

"Apparently you've never been married before. Prude."

"Yeah whatever. Are you going to get out of bed?"

"You said it was loud out there."

"Well yeah, but it's a normal loud. The faster we get the kids fed and dressed the faster the guys will take them to the flight museum and the faster we can go do our girl thing."

"Okay, okay. I'm getting in the shower," she said, throwing the blankets off and getting out of bed.

"Hurry up! No excessive posing."

"Oh my word," Lindsay muttered, escaping into the bathroom and shutting the door while Austin giggled and made her way back into the kitchen.

"Okay so I burned the eggs a little, but it wasn't my fault!" Danny was saying while Adam threw the offending breakfast into the sink and turned the water on so it would stop burning.

"You burned them a little? It's like you tried to offer it up as a sacrifice to the chicken gods!"

Austin snorted a laugh and stood in the door, watching the argument play out.

"What, you've never burned somethin' before?"

"Yeah, I just did it with a little less flaming baton fanfare than you did."

"Oh come on, it's not like I started the Great Chicago Fire!"

"Yeah, but only because we don't happen to be in Chicago."

"Well you could always just make more eggs, since you're so perfect."

"First of all I'm not perfect, I just don't cook with a scorched earth policy. Second of all, we are now out of eggs."

"Well you could always run to the store and pick up another dozen," Austin said. "I hear you're good at running to the store when you're down to the wire."

His eyes grew wide and his face colored.

"You're not allowed to speak to my wife ever again."

Austin chuckled and walked across the kitchen, kissing Danny and patting his face.

"I still like you, even if you burned the eggs."

"Yeah, tell that to Cupcake over there."

"I don't think I want Cupcake kissin' you honey."

"We gonna eat soon?" Isa asked, coming into the room with her hands on her hips.

"Yeah, as soon as I can clear up this culinary tragedy, Princess," Adam replied.

"Why does it smell in here?"

"Because your dad burned the eggs."

"Well that was very dangerous, daddy. You'd better let Uncle Dum cook next time," she advised before skipping back into the living room with the rest of the kids.

"Geez, you even turned my own kid against me."

"She is pretty smart."

"You just stand there and cook, pretty boy, and I'll have a moment with my wife."

"Yeah, just don't be gross. Kitchens are supposed to be sanitary."

"Ooh, hear that honey? We just got told, and now have permission to scram out of here to somewhere far secluded from the kitchen."

"Leaving Adam with the cooking and child responsibilities. Only seems fair after the way he treated you."

"Whatever guys," Adam chuckled, starting a new round of breakfast. "I can handle it."

"Daddy! Cole say I'm dumb!" Ben hollered, coming into the room. "He said I say stuffs are up when they are down 'cuz I am arguin' about stuff I don't know! I am not dumb!"

"Colton, don't call your brother dumb."

"But daddy, he said that the ocean water is blue and I said it's the sky reflection and he said no the water is really blue!"

"Okay, you're right but he didn't know that. He's not dumb, he just hasn't been in school to learn it."

"Then why did he argue with me?"

"Because you're both stubborn like your mama. And now you're going to apologize for calling him dumb."

"But-"

"No buts. And while you're at it, why don't you teach him why the ocean is blue instead of calling him dumb for not knowing."

Colton sighed and placed his hand on Ben's shoulder.

"Okay look Ben, you are not dumb. But the water in the ocean is not blue. It looks blue from the reflection of the sky. Like how a mirror doesn't got your face on it unless your face is there to be reflected on it. Get it?"

"Yep, I do. I just don't like when you say I am dumb."

"Sometimes I forget that you don't know things I know because you don't go to school. You are pretty smart about some stuff, Ben."

"I am?"

"Yeah, you know more about dinosaurs than me."

"Yep, that's the truth."

"I will not call you dumb no more and I will try to understand, okay?"

"Okay. I will listen when you tell me stuffs."

"It's a deal. There daddy, are you happy with us now?"

"Yeah, go play."

They ran off into the other room and Austin laughed.

"They sure have learned to fight civilly, huh?"

"They're very mature!"

* * *

"Lin, hurry it up!" Austin shouted from the running car. She was getting impatient to leave for Hatteras Island. They were going to be girly and visit the house from _Nights in Rodanthe_, but they were mostly planning on visiting the lighthouse and spending a few hours just going wherever the wind went.

"I'm trying, but I have a child that doesn't want me to leave," Lindsay answered from the front door, while Avery held on to her leg and cried. "Adam, will you come get your daughter?"

"No mama! No bye! Avery go!"

"Baby, I'll be back later."

"No! Mama!"

"Go with daddy. I love you."

Avery tipped her head back and wailed as loudly as she could while Lindsay slipped out the door and into the car. She was doing it mostly for attention and Adam felt a little bad for her, but mostly annoyed as he took her back into the house. She scrambled down from his arms and ran over to the couch where Colton and Isa were sitting and hopped up between them.

"Aves, we're tryna have a talk," Colton said with a sigh. "You can sit here but don't interrupt me, okay?"

Avery nodded and wiped her theatrical tears away, watching the big kids closely as they tied their shoes.

"What are you worried about, Colt?" Isa asked, continuing their private conversation.

"You know how my mama always says I am just like my daddy?"

"Yep."

"Well what if I am like his daddy too? What if I am a mean like that?"

"You won't be like that, Colt. You love people too much."

"What if I change when I get older? What if I become a daddy and then I find out that I am actually a really mean person and I hurt people?"

"Colt. You won't do that. Your daddy didn't do that. Your daddy loves you and Ben and Avery a lot and he would never hurt you right?"

"Yeah."

"And you learned how to be a daddy from him and he teached you right. You won't be mean like that Colt. You aren't that kind of person."

"Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am real mean to Ben."

"That's because he's your brother and he is kind of frustrating sometimes."

"Yeah, but that's no excuse. He is my little brother and I love him a lot and I don't know why I sometimes don't have patience with him."

"I think everybody makes mistakes, Colt. And Ben knows you love him. Sometimes he could be mean too. All of us can be mean no matter how much we love each other. Like how our daddies pick on each other and how our moms say they hate each other sometimes. Or how that one time Daniel sat his naked butt right on Ben's face. He wasn't bein' mean, he just needed somewhere to sit. Or even how you and me get in yellin' fights a lot. It's not because I don't love you with all my entire heart."

"Yeah. I guess maybe if I am careful I will not be a person like that."

"You're not a person like that, Colt," she assured once again, leaning over to kiss his cheek. "You're a person like you. And I love you."

"I love you too, Isa. For all the days."

"And Avery?" the little girl asked, looking up at him hopefully.

"Of course I love you, Aves! You are precious and beautiful!"

She grinned and he kissed her soundly, then hugged her tightly.

"I could never be mean to Aves. She is so cute I want to just eat her right up."

"Ew Colt, you can't eat people!"

"Well that's the only way I know how to make that come outta my head!"

"Oh dear," Isa sighed as Ben and Junior ran by screaming. "I just don't understand boys. Do you understand boys Avery?"

"I food," Avery responded, patting her belly before sliding off the couch. "Sayuh!"

"I'm right here, Averylin," Sarah said, coming around the corner. Avery ran to her and tackled her with a hug that knocked her to the floor. Colton and Isa burst into laughter for a moment, then got up to make sure Sarah was okay. She was laughing, but pinned under Avery who was happily professing her love for her best friend. Colton and Isa helped them up as Ben and Junior came to see what all the commotion was about.

"Well, I think that means it's time for a group hug, kids," Colton decided, opening his arms wide. The rest of the kids followed suit and they stood like that for a bit, just holding onto each other.

"Love!" Avery shouted finally, breaking away to clap her hands.

"Yep Aves, that's love."

* * *

"It's so much easier to enjoy the great outdoors when you don't have multiple children pulling on your hands and begging to show you the great outdoors off in the other direction."

Lindsay chuckled and adjusted her sunglasses as she looked out over the water, watching as the waves crashed onto the shore.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. It's nice to be able to just stop for a while, you know?"

"Definitely."

They sat like that for a while longer, until Austin couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"We haven't talked in a while."

"About what?"

"Things of consequence."

Lindsay pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her cheek on them, turning to look at Austin.

"What's up, Goose?"

"If that makes you Maverick, I take offense because Goose dies."

"I called you Goose, not Gooseman, therefore it's a nickname not a prediction."

"Well then I accept."

Lindsay chuckled and glanced down at her wedding ring, making a mental note to get it cleaned when they got home.

"So then Detective Austin Grace Messer, wife of Danny, mother of Isabeth, Sarah and Daniel, strong of bone and sly of wit…"

"I do hereby bequeath to you all the sand that is stuck to the bottom of my foot at this moment."

"I don't know what to say, this is so unexpected."

Austin chuckled and raked her hair back from her face, grimacing at how frizzy it was.

"So how's your brain?"

"Still sloshing around in there," Lindsay answered with a grin. "I know what you're getting at, Aust and I'm okay. Do I not seem okay?"

"You seem fine, but you always seem fine before things happen."

"Nothing's gonna happen. I'm alright. I'm a little nervous about how things are going to turn out, but other than that, everything's fine."

"I guess I just expect a little more… angst or something."

"I think what happened really put things in perspective. It's hard to feel sad or depressed about anything when I know that I have my son back. Everything else seems so insignificant in comparison."

"Yeah. I'm really proud of him for how he's dealing with it. He seems very level headed and willing to talk about it."

"He is."

Austin hesitated for a moment, not sure she wanted to say what needed to be said. She'd never had to bring up something like this and she wasn't exactly sure how to go about it.

"Linds… you know I love Colton, right?"

"Yeah," Lindsay answered, more like a question.

"I'm kind of worried about him."

"Why?"

"He's just changed so much Linds. Three months ago he was the happiest kid on the planet. He'd spin around in circles and jump in puddles and put a box on his head and pretend he was an astronaut. He used to almost knock me over when he hugged me, he was always telling the rest of the kids that he loved them. He was always laughing and teasing and dancing and you couldn't be around him and keep your bad mood. But something changed, Linds. He's not like that anymore."

"A lot of things happened to him, Austin."

"I know that. And some of the way he's behaving is fine. I just don't see a little boy when I look at him anymore. He's so hard and tough and straight-laced all the sudden. I love him so much and I don't want to see him lose that innocence he had once. I know you might not want to hear that and I don't want you to think I'm attacking you or anything, but you guys need to do something to help him."

"I know. And we are trying, but it's been hard for him to figure out where he belongs. He feels like he doesn't have much in common with the kids anymore, but he knows he's not an adult. He doesn't ask us what we're talking about anymore, or ask for explanations. He says he doesn't want to know grownup things anymore, it's just too sad. I don't want him to feel like that. I want him to be excited to grow up, but I don't want him to do it to fast and I don't want him to be jaded about the world."

"Everything feels off balance, doesn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Are you and Adam talking about it much?"

"Yeah, we are. We've been good about talking about it every day. He doesn't know what to do any more than I do."

"Have you talked to anyone else?"

"Yeah. He's been seeing Emily every two weeks, but he's reacting so differently than most kids that she's not sure how to help him. You know most kids that are abused are either scared or angry about it. Most kids that are kidnapped are terrified it will happen again. Colton's just sad. It's such a different situation and a different reaction for him that no one really knows how to help him and we're just doing it a day at a time."

"Why didn't you tell me, Lin? You know how much I love him and you know I would do anything for him. Why didn't you ask me for help?"

"It's hard to know what to say. We don't even know what he needs, really. It helps a lot when everything is just kind of normal like it is right now. He seems better this week, doesn't he?"

"Yeah. He still gets that look in his eyes sometimes though. It's like he's in another place."

"The thing is Aust, I don't think things will ever go back to the way they were. He's never going to forget it and he's never going to be able to stop his new way of looking at things. I hope that as time goes on he softens a little, but I don't know if that's going happen."

"It definitely changed him."

"What would you do?"

"I don't know Linds. I guess you just keep showing him that there are more good things in life than bad things. Listen when he wants to talk about it but don't force him when he doesn't. I know that the best thing is time. What did Adam say about it?"

"He said that after he and his mom left he didn't talk about it for a long time. It wasn't until he was in college that he talked about it to her and other than that he didn't tell anyone but me."

"It's easier to keep it a secret and try to forget than it is to confront it."

Lindsay was quiet, closing her eyes and sighing while Austin reached over and squeezed her shoulder.

"You and Adam are amazing parents. Colton is going to be just fine. He knows how much you love him and he knows that what happened to him and to Adam and to me is not normal and it doesn't happen to most kids. Once the trial is over I think he will be a lot better."

"I hope so."

The conversation was ended by mutual yet silent agreement and Austin laid back in the sand, staring up at the sky. She was reminded of their trip to Montana almost two years ago, several days in which she had been introduced to the sky and mountains in a way she never had before. The thought was relaxing and she was sinking into it and her eyes were drooping before her mind snapped awake again.

"Hey Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me something you've never told anyone before."

"Never told anyone? I've told you or Adam everything."

"Are you sure? There's got to be something."

Lindsay laid back in the sand and thought for a few minutes before finally coming up with something.

"I got in a bar fight once."

"What?"

"Yeah. When I was all messed up, me and my friend Griff drove out of town to this bar-"

"Is this the time you thought the rocks were bacon bits?"

"No, and I am going to kill Adam for telling you that."

"It's a good story. I don't think I've ever been drunker."

"Anyway," Lindsay sighed, narrowing her eyes. "We were in this bar playing pool, and of course its in the middle of nowhere Montana so they aren't exactly big on checking ID's anyway. This big nasty guy comes up to me and wants to dance and I told him no. He starts calling me all these names and trying to grab me and Griff is of course chickening out, so I shoved the guy pretty hard and he starts cussing and he grabs my arm so I took my beer bottle and broke it over the table and shoved it pretty close to his face. And he backed off and we ran out of there but not before he chucked a chair at us."

"I love you a little more than I did two minutes ago."

"I thought you might."

"I really wish we would have known each other back then. We would have had way too much fun for our own good."

"We might have got ourselves killed."

"Would have had fun doing it though."

"Life would have been fun if we knew each other then, but what if that meant we couldn't know each other now?"

"Then I would reject it. I love you too much now to chance you back then."

"I think I need you more now than I ever needed you then even though back then I would have killed for someone like you."

"You just put two mediocre song lyrics in that sentence."

"I am nothing if not a possessor of mad skills."

"Lindsay Ross, I love you so frickin' much."

* * *

"Who wants popcorn?" Adam asked, setting the large bowl down on the floor in front of the kids. They didn't answer him, just dove practically head first into the bowl.

"Yikes, piranhas," he said, backing away and joining Lindsay on the couch.

"Yeah, you gotta be careful of their teeth and their desire for blood."

"They're insane. When are Austin and Danny getting back?"

"Hopefully not for quite a while. They haven't had a real date in a long time."

"We're on bedtime duty for six kids?"

"We've done it before."

"Yeah, I guess."

She smiled and shook her head, then pulled his arms around her.

"Well it's our turn tomorrow, so don't begrudge them any time lest you want karma to come back and have it's way with us, in something akin to the second date pie snafu."

"Hey, that date was pretty good. And I think number three made up for the misunderstanding."

"Yes, however, the possibility of disaster was still there. And I don't want to tempt fate."

"So you're talking about something more like the sixth date chow mein imbroglio."

"I thought we were never going to speak of that again."

"I didn't speak of it," he said, kissing the top of her head. "I referenced it."

"Oh well, let's just split hairs over it then."

"Hey, now you're the one reenacting it."

She laughed and reached around to pinch his side while Ben screamed and jumped up from the floor.

"Oh no, the kitty! Oh no!"

"I didn't think _Milo and Otis_ would be too intense for him."

"Our son is kind of a wimp," Lindsay chuckled as Ben hid his head under a blanket and Junior pleaded with him to come out because the scary part was over.

"It's okay, Binyin. That catty did not drowned! It is safe in a box. And there is a lot of movie left, it is too much time for a catty funeral."

"I jus' don't want that cat to die. It looks like Chewy."

"It won't die, Binyin. The movie is named after the cat and the dog. It will be okay. Now come out of there and sit by me."

"Okay Dunner."

The boys moved back to the floor and all the kids kept a close eye on the movie, except for Avery who ate most of the popcorn then fell asleep with her head in the bowl. Lindsay got up from the couch and picked up her sleeping daughter, wiping the kernels from her face before taking her into the kids bedroom, checking her diaper and carefully tucking her in.

"Goodnight baby dear. I love you."

Avery yawned and opened her eyes, letting a sleepy smile crack across her face.

"Mama."

"Go back to sleep, darling. I'll see you in the morning."

"Love mama. Avery do."

"I love you too. Sleep good, Sarah will be in later."

Avery cuddled down into the bed and Lindsay tucked her in tightly, then slipped out of the room.

"Ready for round two?" Adam asked as she came back into the room. "The boys are sacked out."

She picked up Junior and he grabbed Ben, and they walked quietly into the bedroom, putting both sleepy little boys into their beds and tucking them in.

"Lin?"

"Yes guy?"

"My ma come in an' see me?"

"I'll send her in as soon as she gets home."

"Night Lin."

"Night sweetie."

They went out to the living room once again and had no sooner settled into the couch than Sarah climbed up and snuggled between them, bringing her blanket with her.

"Are you okay Sarahlove?"

"Yes. Just a little cold. Uncle Adam is always warm."

"Yeah, he is."

It wasn't long before Colton and Isa had joined them on the couch and soon after that both girls were asleep.

"Hey Colton, can I talk to you?" Lindsay asked, brushing Isa's hair back from her face.

"Okay mama, but I am a little tired."

"I just want to check in."

He nodded and rested his head against Adam's shoulder as the movie credits rolled.

"I been talkin' to Isa 'bout lots of stuff. She is smart. She helps me."

"Is there anything you want to talk to us about?"

"Well I do wanna say thank you for bringing us on this vacation. It makes me feel better."

"That's good. I think it makes all of us feel better."

"I don't want to forget the bad stuff," he continued. "But if that's all I think about, I will not enjoy this vacation. That's what Isa told me in the car. I am trying to not think about it so much and I am still having fun. So it is good for me. I am kind of afraid that when we go home I won't be able to do that no more."

"Once you make it a habit, you can," Adam noted. "It's important for you to remember that you're still a kid and you have to trust the people that are older and wiser than you to do everything they can to fix things. Whatever we can't get done, then that's your responsibility. But until then, you don't need to worry about it."

"Jo told me that I could have compassion for the kids."

"Yeah, that would be a good idea."

"This is really hard for me to deal with," he said with another yawn. "Sometimes I dream about Ben and Avery getting hurt. Those dreams make me scared, but I learned that I don't have to think about them during the day. I need to think about real life. Plus I made a decision. I think that if the bad man goes to jail for what he did to me, then just between us, we could say that he is in jail for what he did to you too, daddy. I think that will make us all feel better. For him to have justice for the bad things he's done."

"I think you're right, son."

"I know I can't save all the kids, but if just one bad guy goes to jail, then that's a point for us good guys."

"I guess that's right."

"It is right. Now I need to go to bed."

"Yes you do."

They carried the girls in and tucked them in, then both leaned down into the bottom bunk to kiss their son.

"I love you, Colton. Don't forget that you promised to always be our little boy."

He nodded and smiled.

"You just keep remindin' me and we will all be fine."


	210. Chapter 210

A/N: Ben is the freaking funniest kid ever. I cannot get enough of that fictional little dude.

* * *

"Hey kids, it's mornin' in the swamp!" Ben hollered, sitting up in his bed and looking around the room. All he could see were sleepy blobs and he grabbed his glasses, putting them on and adjusting his eyes to the light.

"Hey, is you kids gonna get up?" he asked again, throwing back his blankets.

"Up, Ben!" Avery said, rolling over and giving him a huge smile. "Story?"

She slid out of her bed and crawled into his, snuggling up to his side while the other kids slept.

"I will tell you a story sissy, but it's gonna be one I not maked up, okay?"

"Okay Ben."

"Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a girl what was off to see her gramma," he started, twisting one of Avery's curls around his finger while he spoke. "This girls name was Little Red Riding Hood. Her name was that for she wore a red riding hood. I not sure what that is, but that's what mama said. Anyway sissy, this Little Red Riding Hood was off to see her gramma. And she was skippin' in them there woods and this ol' wolf seen her and he wanted to gobble her up so he runned to her gramma's house faster and he growed a big ol' beanstalk and he made the gramma go up there to see the giant what said "Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smelled the blood what's of a Englishman!" And then the wolf got in the gramma's clothes just when Riding Hood came to the house. And she opened the door and he pretended to be the gramma because Riding Hood looked good to eat. And Riding Hood knowed what was going on and her said "Mr. Wolf, I will huff and I will puff and I will blow your house down!" And the wolf done said "Not by the hair of this chinny chinny chin!" And then Red Riding Hood, well she climbed up that beanstalk and rescued her gramma from that giant, and then they followed their bread trail back to the house where they was saved from that giant and where they throwed that wolf in the oven. The end."

"Wolf, Ben? Bad?"

"Yeah, that wolf is bad. He likes to eat people. You will be careful and not go in no woods by yourself on the way to gramma's house. You will take a grown up with you."

"Okay Ben."

"I love you, sissy. That's why I tell you this cautionary tale."

She nodded and chewed on her pacifier thoughtfully before popping it out of her mouth and inspecting it.

"Avery see mama daddy. Bye Ben."

She rolled off the bed and started to toddle out of the room, but he called her name when she was halfway out the door. She turned back and looked at him with a grin and he chuckled.

"Diaper's saggin' sissy."

She grinned and pulled it up before waddling out of the room.

"Hey there Binyin. I heared that story you were telling to sissy."

"I like to tell stories. I just wish she would not smell so bad when she comes and snuggles in my bed."

"I could smell her all the way up here," Junior agreed, leaning down from the top bunk to look at Ben. "I don't know how Sarah shared a bed with her all night long."

"I plugged my nose," Sarah said with a yawn. "Until I falled asleep."

"Mama says Aves smells because she sleeps hot and because she wears those diapers all night," Colton explained. "She won't stink so much once she gets potty trained."

"Well that better be soon because she stunk up this whole entire kids room!" Isa giggled.

"Yep she did. You know what I was thinking? We should go make breakfast for all the parents because they have been making food for us this entire vacation."

"Hey, that's a good idea Colt! Maybe we can even deliver it to them!"

The kids hopped out of bed excitedly, and made their way into the kitchen, not realizing that it was just after five in the morning and their parents would more than likely not be happy to be woken up. Colton and Isa climbed up onto the counters and found bowls then handed them down to the rest of the kids who had already grabbed spoons.

"What kind of oatmeal will they want?" Isa asked, looking at the box of microwave fruit oatmeal.

"I dunno. We can surprise them."

They poured some of every flavor into each of the four bowls, then added some water and stuck them in the microwave.

"We doing a good job," Ben noted, nodding his head and pulling four napkins off the table to fold.

"Yeah. They will be proud and not hungry," Junior agreed.

Once the food was done, the kids grabbed bowls to take to their parents and set off down the dark hallway.

"Hey mama, daddy," Colton said, pushing the door open with his food while Ben followed him slowly so he wouldn't spill the bowl he had. "We made breakfast."

"Oh great," Adam croaked, having just fallen back to sleep after Avery joined them. "I love breakfast before the sun is even up."

"Here you go, daddy," Ben yawned, handing him the tepid bowl. "It's lots of flavors."

"Awesome."

"Here mama- No, Aves, this is for mama not you!"

Avery shrieked and fell down onto the bed, burying her face in the blankets and crying.

"Her done got up too early," Ben observed, watching the way his sister kicked her legs. "And she love her food too much."

"Avery, here you can share with me," Lindsay said, hoping there wasn't too much pleading in her voice. Avery sat up happily and wiped her tears away before stealing the spoon and taking a huge bite of the oatmeal.

"Daddy, was I a foodaholic like mama says sissy is?" Ben asked, settling in between his parents.

"No, not really. You sure raised a stink if anyone took it away from you though."

"Well I don't like stealers."

Adam chuckled and handed his bowl of oatmeal to Lindsay as she wasn't going to get hers back from Avery any time soon.

"Well dudes, what should we do today?"

"We get to pick?" Colton asked, his eyes wide. "I will go ask Isa-"

"Put the brakes on, little man."

"Why?"

"Because, today the Messers Five are going to do their own thing and we are going to do ours."

"But… I thought this was a family vacation for all of us!"

"It is, but we thought it would be a good idea to be smaller families for a day."

"Oh. Well could we find a place to play tiny golf? And skee-ball?"

"And pizza!" Ben chimed in excitedly.

"Maybe daddy can find a place like that," Lindsay suggested. Adam picked up his phone and opened the browser on it, taking less than a minute to find something that would please the boys.

"Okay looks like we've got a plan then. This place doesn't open until ten so why don't we all go back to sleep for a few hours?"

"Because everyone else is up already," Colton reasoned. "Could we watch cartoons on that TV?"

"Maybe if you watch quietly and let me and mama sleep some more," Adam agreed, grabbing the remote and turning the TV on. The kids were immediately entranced by a superhero cartoon, leaving their parents to snooze until the morning was a little brighter.

* * *

"Hey Ben, which ball is yours? Is it the blue and mine is green?"

"Yeah. Daddy's is red. Mama and sissy have pink."

"I keep forgettin' but you always remember."

"Yep, I do. Show me how do this again?"

"Put your ball on that little hole there. It will hold it steady remember?"

"Steady, yeah. And I push the ball gentle, not hit it, right?"

"Yeah. If you do it at an angle you can almost get it around the corner and closer to the hole. See what I mean?"

"Like this?" Ben asked, hitting the ball softly and watching it roll towards the hole, bouncing off the brick barrier.

"Yeah, just like that! Good job Ben! Now it is mama and Avery's turn."

Lindsay sat the ball down and helped Avery hit it towards the hole, surprised it actually went in the direction she intended. Avery ran towards the ball laughing and picked it up, replacing it on the ground at the start of the green.

"More!" she said with a smile. "Mama, 'gain!"

"Aves, that is not how you play tiny-golf," Colton said with a roll of his eyes, which Ben mimicked.

"Honey, it's mini-golf," Lindsay said. "Or putt-putt golf if that's easier."

"Butt-butt gowf!" Avery laughed, waving her hands in the air in excitement.

"C'mon kids, people are stacking up. Let's move to the next hole," Adam said, leading them to the outdoor part of the course. Ben looked around the course and surveyed the green carefully while Adam and Colton played through. Lindsay was busy arguing with Avery over the proper way to hold a club and Ben waited for them to be quiet so he could putt in peace.

"Okay folks, this be it," he said to himself, feeling very much like the sports announcers he'd seen on TV the last time he'd been over at the Flacks to play with Teagan and Liam. "Ben Ross is gonna hit him that hole in one. He needs aplete silence. The difficulty is a bajillionty. Par eighty ninety twody."

Determined to get his ball in the hole, he lined up the shot and took a deep breath. The ball rolled faster than he wanted it to, over the tiny hills and just to the turn, bouncing off the bricks and backwards, almost up one of the hills again.

"Well George, this sucks for Ben Ross. A rookie in this game, he ain't no Tiger Woods. No Bill, him sure is not."

Lindsay was laughing so hard she almost dropped Avery and Adam had to turn his back on his sons in order to regain his composure.

"That's okay, Ben. You still got the best form of any duffer I'd ever seen. Duffer's what they call golf dudes."

"Oh. Sissy, you gonna take your turn?"

Avery nodded and squirmed from Lindsay's arms walking over to the hole and dropping the ball into it.

"Avery win!"

"No sissy, you gotta do it with this club!"

"Oh!"

She ran back to Lindsay and got the club, then held it over her head as she ran back to the ball.

"Lookit, sissy looks like a warrior."

"Goin' into battle with her weapon," Colton agreed with a chuckle as Avery pulled the ball out of the hole then swept it back in with her club. "Well that's one cheatin' way to do it. I guess her score just don't count this time."

Avery watched them as they talked, then got distracted by her sandals, crouching down to pick at the flower on them. Certainly mini-golf wasn't really her thing, but it was hard to make all three kids of varying ages happy, and easier to keep Avery entertained while the boys did their thing.

"Let's go to the next hole, Ben. Maybe by the time we are done we will be real good golfers."

"Yeah. Then we could be in magazines!"

"On the cover! I will stand like this and you will stand like that and we will look at the camera very serious."

"Babe, why are our kids so weird?" Adam asked, watching as Avery tried to stand on her head.

"I don't have an answer for that. I just resign myself to utter amazement."

* * *

"Averylin Grace we do not stand up on tables!" Lindsay reprimanded, taking her daughter off of the table and putting her into a high chair.

"No mama!"

"I said you could sit with the boys if you were good and you most definitely were not good. And I don't want to hear any whining about it either."

Avery crossed her arms and stared down at the pepperoni on her plate. They didn't have pizza very often so she should have been excited about it, but she was too upset about being sentenced to the high chair to even care about the food placed before her.

"You know, I like pizza when we're lookin' out at the beach," Colton mused. "It makes me think that life is just fine and dandy. Do you think we could live in North Carolina for all the days?"

"I wish we could honey. Maybe when you grow up you could live here."

"Oh maybe I can. I didn't know I had that choice. I will ask Isa if she will come with me."

"You know buddy, you don't have to only do things that Isa does too," Adam reminded him, stealing the rejected sausage off of Lindsay's plate.

"I know that daddy. But stuff is so much better when she is with me. That's why she's my best friend."

"I know. I just don't want you to limit yourself. You can stay best friends and I would never want you to not be friends, but you two might need to go on different paths someday."

"I get it daddy. But would you want to go on a different path from mama?"

"Of course not! There's a difference though. Best friends can go on different paths, but when you're married you're saying that you want to make a new path with that person."

"Oh. Well then maybe someday Isa and me will make a path together. But maybe we will just have paths that sometimes meet each other. Besides, we can call each other most every day."

"That's true."

"What about me? Where will I live?"

"Well Ben… you could live on the moon!"

"I don't wanna get shot into outside space. Where else I could live Cole?"

"Maybe in Disneyland! Because you are hilarious."

"I am a man, Cole. Not a mice."

"Well then Ben, I don't know where you could live, but you could stay with me until you figure it out. Deal?"

"Deal. And sissy?"

"Aves will stay with mama and daddy forever because no man will ever love her enough like she should be because she is a beautiful princess."

They all looked over at Avery who was doing her best to prove that she wasn't a beautiful princess, by shoving a green pepper up her nose.

"Hi!" she exclaimed when she realized they were all looking at her.

"Averylin, we don't put food up our noses either."

"Gee mama, you won't let Aves do nothin'!"

"Because I don't want her to fall off the table or get food stuck up her nose. And I would also like to maybe, if I get lucky, instill some kind of restaurant behavior into her at some point."

"Oh. Maybe sissy just means she is done eating."

"Yeah, I think she's done. Do you boys want to hit the arcade before she crash lands into naptime?"

"Yeah, let's go!"

They paid for their lunch and headed off down the street, Lindsay carrying Avery who was almost asleep and Adam with a son under each arm, letting them fly down the block. They laughed delightedly before Adam set them on the sidewalk at the entrance to the arcade.

"Alright, let's lay down some ground rules before we go in. First off, no running away. We all stick together. Second, no throwing fits if you lose a game or don't get enough tickets to get the toy you wanted. Third, once you are out of quarters, that's it. You got it?"

"We got it daddy. We are gonna play skee-ball, right Ben?"

"Right Cole."

The five of them trooped inside and the boys made a beeline for the skee-ball game. They were both terrible at it, as was Adam when he tried to show them how to do it, but Lindsay managed to get the highest score while holding Avery and not waking her up.

"Wow, look at all the tickets mama got!" Colton said excitedly, collecting them from the machine. "What are you gonna use it for?"

"I think I'll just wait until we're all done before I decide."

They moved around the arcade for almost an hour, watching each other play games and figuring out if they should use their precious quarters on risky games or not. With a pile of tickets they made their way to the counter where all the tickets were weighed and a final count was given. The tickets were split evenly between the boys who both suddenly had very wide eyes as they looked at all the prizes they could get. Adam crouched down and helped them to decide what the best use of their tickets would be.

"Hi lady, I am Benjamin Ryan Ross," Ben said, climbing up onto one of the stools. "I am from Yew Nork and I like one of them potato guns please."

"Well okay Benjamin," she giggled, counting off his tickets. "One potato gun. Now you remember, no aiming that at people or animals."

"I know. I knowed how to use this too. You stick the end in a potato and pull it out and when you shoot it the air pusher makes the potato chunk come flyin' out! My mama had one and she shooted my uncle Riley in they eye when she was a tiny girl. That's why he call her Sharpshooter."

"Oh okay. You have some tickets left, do you want to get anything else?"

"Nah. You can keep them tickets for some other kid what doesn't have enough. Thanks lady!"

He moved off to the side and examined his new toy while Colton looked briefly into the lighted case.

"Ma'am, I know what I would like to get."

"What can I do for you kiddo?"

"Well see that pretty green necklace? I want to get that for my friend Sarah. Her birthday is coming up. She will be six. Do you think she is old enough for jewelry?"

"I think so," she said, pulling the box out of the case. "Do you want to get something for yourself with the rest of your tickets?"

"Do I got enough for that green diamond ring for my friend Sarah?"

"Yeah, sure you do. Is that what you want?"

"Yep! Mama will wrap it for me so I can give it to her. Thanks for your help lady and thanks for such a fun arcade!"

* * *

"How'd you guys shake out today?" Austin asked, jumping to sit on the bathroom counter while Lindsay got ready to go out.

"The kids had fun. Our mini-golf trip was cut short when Ben somehow lobbed his ball into the parking lot, shouted "FIVE!" and broke a windshield."

"Five?" Austin laughed. "Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"That kid is hilarious. So now you guys have to pay for a windshield?"

"No, the people were parked on the sidewalk and there's signs warning them what could happen, so they just had to pay for it themselves. So that worked out okay. How about you guys?"

"We sat around here for a while, went out to lunch. I stole Isa and your car and took her out for a few hours and Danny took the other two to a movie. Then we all went skimboarding."

"I bet the kids were thrilled."

"Through the roof. I biffed it so hard I've got sand lodged in uncomfortable places."

"Name a comfortable place to have sand lodged."

"Between the toes."

"Well I guess you and Danny will both have good stories to tell when you get home what with his wipeout on that bike last night. What possessed you two to rent beach bikes?"

"Jack Lalaine. So where are you and Adam going?"

"After all these years, don't you know that Adam never tells me where we're going?"

"Oh that. Have you ever planned a date Linds?"

"I planned a wedding. He owes me four more years of date planning before we're even."

"You've discussed this?"

"He was half asleep but I have it in semi-legible writing."

"Oh yeah?"

"I got my bases covered."

"That's my girl. Now come on, you're pretty enough and you got a man waitin' for you."

"I like to keep him waiting. He appreciates me more."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. Sometimes if I get ready on time I stand in the bathroom and clean the sink or reorganize the towels or something just to keep him waiting."

"You're mean."

"Yeah well let's just let that be our little secret."

"Deal. Danny made fun of my pedicure last night."

"Why? It's not like you're ever going to get another one."

"There was a foot massage involved, Linds. I am definitely getting another one and I am making Danny go with me."

"Austin, I love you."

"Yesterday you only tolerated me."

"Yeah because yesterday you refused to stop poking me."

"I like driving you nuts."

"Funny, so do the children."

"You just said you love me."

"I'm thinking about toleration again."

"Sure. Okay, be done with the beautification and go get your man and get out of here while you can."

"But-"

"Linds, go."

"I look okay?"

"Oh my word, get out of the bathroom."

Lindsay chuckled and shut the light off before going out to the kitchen. Adam and Danny were getting dinner ready for the kids who were spinning around in circles and singing while they waited.

"Whoa, look at my mama!" Colton said when he spotted her. "She looks a different kind of beautiful!"

"Thank you sweetie."

"Daddy sure will be happy to have you holdin' his hand tonight."

"Yeah son, someday you will learn that a beautiful woman by your side legitimizes you as a man," Adam said, taking Lindsay's hand and turning her in a slow circle. "And you do know how to rock a pair of jeans babe."

"Yeah, my whole life in style has been leading up to this moment."

He chuckled and they got the kids situated with their dinner before unceremoniously leaving the house.

"Do you hear that amazing sound?" Lindsay asked, turning to face him as they walked.

"The sound of silence and several hours of you."

"And you," she reminded him with a smile, wiggling her fingers between his.

"We need to date more often," he said as they turned the corner and headed into town. "I kind of like it."

"Me too. Makes me feel a lot younger and less like I may or may not have kid snot somewhere on my person."

"I'd still like you anyway."

"I hope so. Because having kid snot somewhere on my person is a constant state of being."

He smiled and led her into the restaurant that he'd picked out before the trip. It wasn't something really fancy, or something that had five stars in a Zagat guide because they were both more concerned with being together than having an amazing culinary experience.

They sat there for almost two hours, eating slowly and talking about everything under the sun, enjoying the fact that there were no children to entertain or messes to clean up, or bathroom trips to make. The sun was getting ready to set when they finally left the restaurant and they walked onto the beach, ditching their shoes and rolling up their pants so they could stand in the water. They didn't speak for a while, just breathed in the healthy sea air and watched the way the sun shone from behind them and cast over the water.

"Can I tell you something?" he asked after a moment, unsure if he'd ever said this before.

"Sure, what?"

"At the beginning, I never thought we would be together. I mean, I think I wanted to be with you pretty much right away but I didn't think it would happen."

"Why not?"

"Because you were you. It just didn't seem possible. Like, it was too lucky, you know? I figured you would never want me."

"Honey," she said with a little chuckle. "All those times you would tease about kissing me or marrying me, I always wished you'd stop teasing and do it for real."

"You did?"

"I played it cool, but I spent a lot of months waiting for you to make a move. A lot of months convincing myself that I wasn't thinking about it or that I'd dreamed it and that's why I was thinking of it. I thought there was no way you would want to settle down, at least not with the likes of me."

"Geez. Too bad society tells us to hide how we feel or we would have gotten together a lot sooner."

"I wouldn't change our lives now for anything, but it's interesting to think how it could have gone if we weren't such chickens."

He smiled and leaned over to press a kiss to the top of her head while the last lights of the sun faded behind them and the sky darkened.

"Come on, the best part of the date is waiting."

"Oh is it?"

"A little research before a trip always helps," he said mysteriously. He wasn't sure exactly where he was going because he'd left the address sitting on his night stand, so they wandered for a few blocks before they came across what he'd been looking for.

"I hope you saved room for dessert."

"Adam, is this what I think it is?"

"Cereal bar. And yes, I know I am the perfect man."

She laughed as they entered the small building, which was set up like an ice-cream parlor, but served all different kinds of cereal and toppings instead. It took them both a while to decide and once they sat down with their large bowls of breakfast for dessert, she couldn't wipe the smile off of her face.

"How did you think of this?"

"I just thought "Lindsay, cereal." It didn't take that much brain power. Cereal to you is like chocolate to any other woman."

"I think Colton was right, we need to move here. We could have dinner here every night."

"My wife, the woman of the most simple pleasures."

She chuckled as her phone buzzed insistently, indicating a text message from Austin.

_Sorry to bug you but Avery's up and she's bawling and all she'll say is "Hutt my winsah!" What does that mean? She won't stop crying._

Lindsay laughed, partly surprised that Austin didn't understand Avery's gibberish.

_Winsah is how she says finger. She probably lost her binkie and traded it for her thumb, then bit her thumb and now she's being difficult. Just kiss it and put her back to bed._

_Now she's patting Danny's face and telling him he's "pitty." Your kid is weird._

"I am guessing one of the kids is up?" Adam asked as he came back to the table with a packet of sugar.

"Avery. How long do you think it's been since our kids have all slept through the night or until a decent hour in the morning?"

"A long time. Remember what a good sleeper Colton used to be?"

"He was awesome."

"I have something I want to discuss with you that is loosely related to our sleep habits and our children."

"Oh, and what's that?"

"Well I was thinking that next year is our tenth anniversary. I think that means we should do something big."

"Such as?"

"Ditch the kids and leave town for a week or so. Go far away. Do whatever we want. Spend a day in bed. Watch movies all night."

"That sounds pretty good. Where are we going?"

"You plan that and I will do the rest."

"Really?"

"Anywhere you want to go."

"I can't argue with that."

"Good. I like a woman that doesn't argue."

"Well when she has a man like you, this lady doesn't have to argue."

"Come on, let's get out of here. We still have to dance on the beach."

"Adam?"

"Yes?"

"I love you a lot."

"I love you too. Let's go."

She took his hand with a smile, knowing that always before and always after, their path was the same and she would walk beside him anywhere.


	211. Chapter 211

The last day at the beach started not with the kids waking their parents up, but with everyone sleeping in until almost nine in the morning. They all ate a slow breakfast, got dressed slowly, went down to the beach slowly. It was almost as if they were trying to make every last moment count, as if they all knew that they had very little time left to enjoy their escape from the real world.

The kids busied themselves with more sand castles and sculptures to add to the ones they'd been making all week. Avery dug little holes with her shovel, then waddled off to grab sea grass and stick it in the hole before covering it up. This must have been serious work because she didn't even look up when she was offered a snack or when the rest of the kids were begging to play in the ocean.

"Avery honey, want to go play in the water?" Lindsay asked, desperate to get out of the heat for a few minutes. "Everyone else is down there."

"No mama. I do."

"Don't you want to take a break for a few minutes? Come with mama."

Avery sighed and looked down at the half dug hole, then out at the ocean before nodding and taking Lindsay's hand. They walked down to the water's edge and Avery hesitated as the water rushed at her toes.

"Up mama!" she said near frantically.

"No baby, it's okay," Lindsay said, crouching down and pulling Avery into her arms. "It's just water."

"Cold."

"I know it's cold, but it feels nice."

Avery sucked in a deep breath as the last bits of a wave hit their toes and the foam gathered around her ankles.

"You see all that ocean out there?" Lindsay asked softly, the tone of her voice enrapturing Avery almost immediately. "That ocean wraps around the whole world. There's ocean everywhere and it never really ends. You know that the deepest part of the ocean is more mysterious than outer space? Someone told me that when I was little and I wanted to be a marine biologist for a long time so I could discover what was down there. I guess the mysteries I solve now aren't quite as happy, but maybe there are some things are better left to the imagination, you know?"

Avery nodded and looked out at the water with a smile. She didn't understand every word but she liked having this special moment with her mama.

"I hope some things in your life stay a mystery, baby. I don't want you to ever settle, okay? Keep asking questions and keep wondering, especially about the good things."

"Okay mama."

"I love you bigger than that ocean, Averylin Grace. So much bigger."

"Love mama," Avery replied, turning and planting a kiss on Lindsay's cheek. "Ocean."

"Yeah, that's the ocean."

"Fish?"

"Yeah, there's fish in the ocean. And whales and sharks and seahorses and starfish and jellyfish."

"Turtle?"

"Yeah, there's turtles in there too."

Avery nodded and crouched down, splashing her hands in the water and giggling.

"Mama, Avery, ocean!"

"Oh yes my dear. You are getting quite the vocabulary, aren't you?"

"Cabary," she repeated with a serious nod.

"Oh baby, you're too cute for your own good."

"Cute. Daddy?" she asked, pointing to where Adam and the boys were playing a little further down the beach.

"Okay, let's go see daddy. But I'm holding onto you because he's going to get the grand idea to throw me in the water. And no one wants that."

"Haha, mama."

"Your fake laugh is awesome. Don't ever get rid of it."

Avery smiled and clapped her hands as they walked through the surf to meet the rest of the family.

"Daddy! Ocean, fishies!" Avery hollered.

"I know! Are you excited?"

"Yeah!"

"Hey sissy, this also in the ocean," Ben said, showing her a handful of seaweed. "Austin say that crazy people eat it."

"Ew!" Avery shrieked, half laughing as Ben squeezed the clump of seaweed between his fingers.

"See how gross it is? C'mon sissy, I will show you what else I finded."

"No, Avery mama."

"Well if you want mama to hold you, then she can come too. I wanna show you the sandallos what I finded."

"Sand dollars?"

"No, they are shells, mama, not money."

"I know, but they're… never mind. Can you show them to me?"

"Yeah, c'mere. I got them over in my bucket. I got a few," he said, taking Lindsay's hand and leading her over to the bucket that was filled with sand, water, and several broken shells. "This is a broked sandallo. And this is a clam shell what Dunner finded. And this one is a bicep."

Lindsay couldn't contain her laughter as he held up the broken mussel shell for her to see.

"What is so funny mama? Did I call it the wrong thing?"

"It's um… honey, it's a mussel, not a bicep."

"But a bicep is a muscle! It's the muscle what daddy flexes when he say he got two tickets to the gun show!"

Laughter tears were streaming down her face and Avery reached up to wipe them away while Ben stood there with his hands on his hips.

"Why do you always laugh at what I say? I am just tryna be smarty like everyone else!"

"Honey, I'm not laughing at you, I promise. I just never realized those words were so similar. They're spelled different, honey."

"Well I can't read!" he huffed, dropping his arms at his side. "How was I supposed to know?"

"You weren't supposed to. Here, I'll show you," she said, crouching down to write both words in the sand.

"See this is the kind of mussel you're holding in your hand, and this is the kind of muscle that's in your body."

"Does that kind of mussel got the other kind of muscles?"

"I really don't know honey."

"Oh," he said looking down at the shell. "That's fascinatin'. And confusin'. Hey daddy! Mama teached me 'bout mussels what might got muscles! And look at my sandallo!"

"That's really cool about the mussels and muscles, buddy. That other one is called a sand dollar though."

"Why does everyone keep sayin' that?" he shouted, throwing his arms in the air in frustration. "I'm gonna go stand over here, alone with my sandallo!"

He stomped off across the beach and Junior ran to catch up with him.

"Hey Binyin! Binyin! Wait for me! I believe in sandallos!"

"Geez, even on vacation not everything is perfect," Austin chuckled, watching as the boys sat down in the sand.

"Ben is just dramatic," Adam replied, shaking his head. "Gets it from his mama."

"I'm gonna go over there alone and pout," Lindsay teased, setting Avery down in the sand.

Adam took that split second chance and grabbed his wife, swinging her into his arms and running into the water where he dumped her right into a wave. The kids screamed with laughter while Austin gave Danny the "don't you get any ideas" look.

"Adam Ross you dad-blamed skeesick!" Lindsay hollered, coming up from the water. "You had better watch your back."

"Oh yeah? What are you going to do?"

"Why would I tell you that?"

"You don't have a plan! Mwahaha!"

She glared at him as he walked away and considered jumping on him and pulling him back into the water. That would be predictable though, and that was not her style. Not her style at all. She was going to wait until the opportune time to launch her attack.

* * *

"And you're sure the kids aren't going to wake up just as the murderer slices his victim's throat?" Danny asked setting a bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table. "Scar them for life?"

"The kids are out for the count and we don't have to be parents for about two hours."

"Well good. Now are you girls going to be screaming during this movie or can we mock it?"

"Give it like fifteen minutes and then we'll decide," Lindsay suggested, settling into the couch and pulling a throw blanket over her legs while Adam finally got the DVD player to work.

"Who watches scary movies in the middle of the afternoon?" he asked, sitting down by Lindsay who moved further down the couch. "Hey, what's that for?"

"You threw me in the drink," she said, giving him a frown.

"But… you didn't drown!"

She kept glaring at him until he sighed and looked away, ashamed.

"Hey wait a second!" Austin hollered. "You accused me and Lindsay of screaming during a scary movie!"

"Well it was a valid question," Danny defended, holding his hands up.

"I'm not sitting by you either. Linds, scoot over, you're the only one in this room that will never betray me."

"Yeah, we gotta stick together."

"Just wait until the movie gets scary and you two want your husbands back."

"Danny, do you really think there exists a movie on earth that would scare me or Austin enough that we would need our husbands to hold our hands?"

"That's what you said right before _Paranormal Activity,_ Montana."

"Yeah, and who screamed at the end? You did."

"You two were screaming through the whole thing."

"Well when she's sitting on that swing and she's just staring, that's frickin' creepy!"

"Yeah, and it doesn't help when the two of you start grabbing us at moments like that," Austin added with a glare.

"But it sure was fun, wasn't it Cupcake?"

"Yeah it was."

"Okay you two, shut up, the movie's starting."

It wasn't the best scary movie in the world and they did more laughing and pointing out plot holes than actually watching the movie.

"Woman if he tells you he wants your blood all over him just let him know you'll be on your period next week!"

"She could avoid this whole mess by grossing him out."

"And why, why would she go looking for the guy? Anyone in their right mind would sit in the corner with a blunt object to whack him in the cojones until the police showed up."

"I'd go looking for him."

"I said anyone in their right mind, Aust."

"Oh that."

"And what about this friend she's got? I mean, I'm not saying she's a prostitute, but in order to buy that skirt, she'd have to be a prostitute."

"You can't get into the curtained off section of the department store if you don't have your streetwalkers card."

"She looks like she hopped out of a Julia Roberts/Richard Gere rom-com."

"All that's missing is blue lipstick and crimped hair."

"And a wad of bubble gum."

"And cheap cigarettes."

"And John Hughes."

"You two are terrible to watch movies with," Adam complained, shaking his head.

"Shut up!" they both replied, tossing pillows at him.

"Lindsay. You did not just chuck a pillow at me."

"It was Austin's idea! She told me, telepathically!"

"You realize it's war now, right?"

"Okay."

The movie reached its predictable end just as the kids started to wake up and filter into the room. They were all coming out of sleep, had rosy cheeks and bleary eyes and looked much too cute for their own good.

"What are we going to do the rest of the day?" Colton asked, yawning even though he had been the one to most loudly protest a few hours of quiet time.

"We're all going out to dinner in a few hours, but we didn't have much of a plan besides that."

"Could we play a game?" Isa suggested. "Like hide and seek? Me and Colt found some awesome places to hide. You will never find us. Right Colt?"

"Right. Can we play?"

"You kids can play, but us parents need to clean this house up and start packing so we can leave early in the morning."

"But don't you want to play with us?" Junior asked as Sarah stood up from the couch and went to look out the window. "We're fun kids!"

"Yep, we are," Ben said with a nod. "We are awesome!"

"Maybe if we can get everything done fast, we'll play with you."

"What time do we gotta leave in the mornin'?"

"Right after breakfast. If you kids could sleep in the car, that would be the best thing ever."

"We will try to be sleepy, uncle Dum! Maybe all us kids will stay up all night!"

"Great, now look what you did, Adam!"

He shrugged as Avery slid out of his arms and joined Sarah by the window.

"Sayuh? Sad?"

Sarah gave a little nod as she sniffled. Avery frowned and started to cry as she patted Sarah's back. This only made Sarah burst into tears while Avery started to cry even harder.

"Hey girls, what's wrong?" Danny asked as he moved over to them.

"I don't wanna leave the beach!" Sarah sniffled. "I don't want to go away from here!"

"Oh kiddo, I'm sorry. But vacations have to end."

"I know."

"Avery, what's the matter with you?"

"Sayuh!" she wailed. "Sayuh sad!"

"Hey, it's okay, Mimo."

She scrubbed at her eyes and turned to look at Sarah thoughtfully.

"Side. Sayuh Avery go."

"We can't go to the beach by ourselves, Averylin. We need a grownup or a lifeguard."

"Oh. Sad."

"Maybe if we are really, really, really good one of the grownups will take us down to the beach just one more time. Can you be really, really, really good, Averylin?"

"Avery good," she said with a nod, taking Sarah's hand. "Nanny, ocean?"

"Maybe in a little while, girls. Just be patient."

"Come on, we'll go make our bed all pretty and clean up the toothbrushes from the bathroom counter. That will help the grownups do their cleaning. After that I will show you how to dance like the ballerinas do."

"Oh! Okay! Sayuh dance."

* * *

"Well I picked out my handsome clothes," Ben announced as he came into the kitchen, wearing a button down shirt and khakis and sporting a lopsided bowtie. It was the outfit he'd picked out when they told him and Colton to pack one nice thing to go out to a fancy dinner. No nice outfit was complete without his bowtie.

"Do I look sportin'?" he asked, sticking his thumbs into his suspenders and pulling them out before snapping them back. "Ow! My boy boobs!"

"Ben, you are so weird," Adam chuckled, walking over to fix his son's bowtie. "But you look very nice. Mama will be happy."

"You look good too, daddy! What are we gonna eat tonight?"

"Seafood. You want to try some squid or something?"

"Sure. But do we have to eat the Little Mermaid? Or King Triton?"

"What?"

"Cole said that seafood is food what comes from the sea. Like fish. And I don't wanna eat Disney cartoons. They'd taste like crayons."

"How… never mind. We won't eat any cartoons, okay?"

"Okay. Are we almost ready to go?"

"Yeah, you were the last one to get dressed. Everyone's outside getting ready to leave."

"Okay, let's go!"

Ben took Adam's hand and they left the house, joining everyone else on the sidewalk.

"Hey daddy can I ride on your shoulders like Dunner's ridin' on Danny's? I would really like that."

"Alright here we go. Blastoff!"

Ben laughed as he was placed on his dad's shoulders.

"Hey mama, I can see the top of your head!"

"I bet you can."

"Dunner, we're so high up here!"

"I know! Hey lookit, I can see how my daddy's goin' bald!"

"Hey!" Danny hollered. "I ain't goin' bald!"

Austin choked on a laugh while Lindsay outright guffawed.

"Shut up you two."

"Daddy, we don't say shut up," Sarah reminded him as she stepped over a crack in the sidewalk. "We ask the person to please not talk like that."

"Maybe that's the rules for school, but in this family, we say shut up."

Sarah giggled and continued to skip down the street to the restaurant. It was kind of a risky thing to go out to eat with six kids at a restaurant that was a little less than family friendly, but the kids had promised to be on their best behavior, and they couldn't leave a beach vacation without having fresh seafood.

They were seated fairly quickly, and menus were thrust upon them, almost as if the server resented such a large party and so many kids. Food was decided upon and the order was placed, and the kids were all very excited to be served water with slices of lemon in it.

"Hey Dunner," Ben said quietly, being sure he wasn't going to disturb the other guests. "I wanna tell you 'bout this movie that we seen the other day. It was a movie what gots cowboys in it. Now there was this one cowboy what was called Quiet Burp. And that confused me lots because my burps is always noisy."

"That's weird, Binyin. Why would they name a cowboy after that? How would you be knowed for burpin' quiet? No one would hear it! How would they even know he burped?"

"That's what I been thinkin'. That's why I asked you 'cuz no one else knowed what I been sayin' about."

"I understand ya, Binyin. That's what best buddies is for."

"Hey Dunner if you gots a cowboy name, what you think it would be?"

"Hmm, I dunno. Maybe it would be somethin' about how I am good at sports and things. Maybe it would be Michael Jordan. And I think the Binyin the Cowboy would be a good name for you."

"Yeah. What about you, Cole?"

"Well my name is a cowboy name, and that's why mama said she and daddy picked it out. I don't need another name, but if I did, it would be John Wayne. Isa would be Calamity Jane."

"Could I be Jessie the Yodeling Cowgirl?" Sarah asked, her eyes lighting up. "I so like her."

"Sure! Now what about sissy?"

"Her could be Mrs. Eats a lot. Because she haved three biscuits already," Junior suggested.

"She could be the lady what is fat and makes the people drinks in the bar," Ben added. "When she serves Kool-Aid in the glasses for them. And that's where all the gunfights happen. And someone always shoots a glass of Kool-Aid. Sissy would have to clean it all up. You like that idea sissy?"

Avery grinned and nodded her head, reaching for another biscuit.

"No, you've eaten enough for now. Wait until your dinner comes," Adam said, putting the bowl out of her reach. She was about to throw a fit, but after stern looks from the rest of the kids, she nodded her head and folded her hands in her lap.

"Avery wait."

"That's a good girl."

"Mama, Avery good!" she whispered happily.

"Yes, you are."

She smiled and sat back in her chair, patting her belly absentmindedly while the rest of the kids continued their make believe story.

"You know, we might be able to do this more often," Lindsay commented imagining family dinners with a lot less cooking.

"Don't jinx it Linds," Austin chuckled, holding out her pinkie for their childish jinx-back handshake. Lindsay rolled her eyes but complied while Adam and Danny shook their heads.

"Danny, I don't know what we're going to do with them."

"Me neither. I figure it might be better to just let them be as they are. Changin' them might throw off that whole time/space thing."

"The backfire on that would be astronomical."

"I'm glad you two understand," Lindsay said, leaning against Adam's shoulder.

"Babe, we do a lot of time understandin'. I think we both deserve something like a special award for that."

"I think you'd better look at what you've got before you ask for something more."

"Noted," he chuckled, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

* * *

In the distance a storm rumbles over the ocean, thunder, lightning and rain. It comes on a strong wind, one that picks up sand and blows mightily through the sea grass. The sun is setting to the west while the storm chases it from the east and for one moment they meet, dark fierce clouds competing with the pinks and reds and purples of the daylight. They crash together as if serendipitous, a beautiful collision of opposites.

Inside a fire crackles. Windows are half open and the lights are off and where the firelight does not reach, there is no illumination. Music plays and children dance happily around the room, the last few minutes before they will be tucked in carefully to bed. Little girls in summery white nightgowns twirl around squealing until their father lifts them both into his strong arms, dancing them around in a slow circle. Two little brown eyed boys grab their daddy's legs and he picks them up too, swaying slowly to the music. One more little boy is scooped up by his mother who kisses his cheeks and buries her nose in his hair, clinging to the love of her life. One sleepy baby lays against her mama's shoulder, entranced by the firelight, safe in the arms of the one who loves her the most.

It's a special moment for this family that chose each other, as they all wind down from the day and band together against the raging nature just outside these four walls. There is a desperate beauty in the room, an everlasting perfection and one that will always be remembered as the one night before the storm. Their voices, good or bad, young or not so young, knowing the words or humming along, all swim together in the air, meeting the music.

_Sing til you mean it__  
__And love til you feel it__  
__Cos' I still believe in your heart__  
__Don't let the waves push and pull you away__  
__Now you're free and it sets you apart__  
__Now you're free and it sets you apart_

Children are getting increasingly tired and their daddies help them into bed, tucking them all in beneath warm blankets, kissing them goodnight, promising a goodness in tomorrow.

Mamas sink down onto the couch together, quietly discussing the happiness of the day and the perfection of these last moments, vowing that it will never change. They sit together and watch the storm roll in, sharing an old wool blanket and whispering about years gone by, inside jokes that are still funny, secrets they've never shared.

The storm hits land with force, wind blowing in every direction, rain beating down on everything while thunder and lightning crash overhead. The waves just keep rolling in, over and over, as consistent as they've been since the beginning of time. Darkness takes over the sky and while it is so violent in nature it is almost like the most comfortable of embraces, powerful and constant.

They sit for a long while without saying anything, their minds on the same track. How far they've all come, as individuals and together. The horrors and struggles of the past and how they were somehow intricately designed to put them all together. It's more than luck and more than fate because it is so full of simple, bright and wonderful goodness that it can't just be happenstance or the order of the universe. Everything that happened is made dull and powerless in the light of the present. They have come so far to get so far, to some place few feet will ever trod.

They're free now and it sets them apart.

* * *

A/N: I'm with Sarah. I HATE to leave the beach.


	212. Chapter 212

His toes ached in his shoes and he wiggled them back and forth, wishing that he would have picked a different pair. These were his nicest shoes and he felt very important wearing them, but they pinched his toes pretty badly. Sighing, he decided to tough it out and looked down the hallway at the door that went into the court room. His parents had been in there for a long time and with every moment, his stomach became more and more upset. He was really nervous to talk to the judge and he was afraid he would say something wrong. He was glad that Jo would be going in with him, but he knew this was the most important time to tell his story, and he was worried he might forget something.

"How are you doin' skeeter?"

He shrugged and slid his hand into hers before looking up at her seriously.

"Jo… what if I forget something?"

"You won't forget, honey."

"But what if I do?"

"That's okay. Sometimes there are things we don't remember for a long, long time. You just tell what you remember and what you felt and make sure it's the truth. Don't worry about anything else."

"You will promise to stay in the room, right?"

"Yes. I can't say anything, but I will be right there with you while you talk to the judge."

"I am glad that I don't have to talk in the court in front of everyone. I would be so nervous I would throw up."

"I know the feeling."

"Did you ever have to talk in the court?"

"Yeah, I've had to lots of times. Always when I was a lot older than you though."

"What's it like?"

"Oh, it's not too bad. As long as you're not the one in trouble."

He grinned and leaned his head against her shoulder.

"Will I feel better about everything when this is all over?"

"I think so."

"Do you think he will go to jail?"

"Yeah, he's going to be in jail for quite a while."

"I wish he could get punished for what he did to my daddy too. You know what I mean?"

"Yeah, I do."

"I know that today is just about what he did to me, but I wish that my daddy could talk to the court about what happened when he was a little boy too. Did you know that man one time pushed my daddy down the stairs? And another time… well I don't actually like to think about my daddy gettin' hurt like that because it was a wrong thing. Did you know that Austin got hurt by her dad too? I am not supposed to tell that to the kids though. But did you know that?"

"I had an inkling."

"It's a horrible thing, huh?"

"Yes, it is."

"Do you think the bad people like being bad or do you think they don't know it's bad? Or maybe they lose control and they can't stop themselves from being bad?"

"I think it's different with every person, Colton. I think that sometimes they regret what they've done, but I am sure there are people who don't think its wrong."

"That's so sad, Jo. Why can't people just love their kids?"

"I don't think we will ever know the answer to that."

"Okay."

"You know, it's good for you to ask these questions. Even if you don't get any answers, and even if you feel like you always ask the same questions, it's okay to ask."

"It's sad to talk about, but it makes me feel better."

"I'm glad, honey."

He closed his eyes and squeezed her hand, wanting to see his daddy again for just a few minutes. He felt like they had a special connection now, one that Ben and Avery would never have. He couldn't really describe it, but it made him feel very safe and loved all the time and he knew that it was only because of the bad things that had happened, but that didn't make it any less special.

* * *

"Hello Colton. I'm Carlotta Evans. How are you doing today?"

"I'm doing just alright Your Honor," he replied, looking around the room and feeling his stomach settle a little bit. The room reminded him of the principals office at his school and he really liked his principal, so certainly this judge couldn't be bad.

"That's good. Do you know why you're here today?"

"Yes. I am here to tell the truth about what happened with that man while I was gone."

"Yeah, that's right. Before we start, do you have any questions?"

"Yes. How is it goin' out there?"

She gave him a little smile, trying to find the right words.

"It's going alright. Why don't you tell me what you remember, starting from the beginning."

He took a deep breath and looked over at Jo who gave him an encouraging smile and a wink. He was really glad she was here and he wasn't so alone.

"Well you already know how he took me right? So I will start after that. He drove me in his truck for a long time. It was smelly in there and there were cans on the floor. He told me that we was a family a lot. Then we got to a house and me and him argued for a while. Then he put me to bed and said we would talk in the morning."

"Did he hurt you that first day?"

"Just when he was taking me. But then at night I waited until he went to bed and then I tried to get away. But he heard me and he grabbed me and there was some hitting and he throwed me against the door. See how I still got that scar on my head? That's what he did."

"What happened after that?"

"He would come in and let me go to the bathroom. And he was very mad and mean. He hit my face once and he did lots of grabbing and pushing and yelling. He shaked my shoulders sometimes when I yelled back at him. You know what? One time he was yelling and he called me Adam. And that is my daddy's name. And I said that to him and he called me a really bad name and he throwed me down and said that I taked his family away from him."

He stopped talking for a moment, catching his breath and chewing on his lip. He'd forgotten about being called by his daddy's name and he wanted to ask why that had happened, but he also needed some time to work it over in his head first.

"I didn't get to eat much when I was there. Just two apples."

"Did he give you anything to drink?"

"I can't remember. Just some water I think."

"Okay. How did you feel while you were with him?"

"Scared. I thought I would never get to go home. I was mad too because he kept saying how we are a family and he was not treating me like a family should."

"How have you been since you came home?"

He sighed and looked over at Jo, wishing she could take over and answer these questions, but as he'd been told, all of it was important to tell.

"Sometimes I am sad. Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I have bad dreams. A lot of the time I am very confused."

"What are you confused about?"

He squirmed in his seat and pulled his feet up with him, wrapping his arms around his legs tightly. He had so many questions in his head. So many things he didn't understand and so many things he understood too well and didn't want to know. His stomach lurched and his eyes burned with unshed tears and he wanted to run out of the room but one small smile and nod from Jo convinced him to stay where he was and finish this out.

"I just would like that man to go to jail for a very long time. That's all I need to say. He should not hurt no one else."

She gave him a small smile and a nod and he blinked a lot, not wanting the tears to fall in front of a stranger.

"I think I want to be done now. Can I be done? Please?"

"I think I know everything I need to know for now. Do you have any other questions?"

He shook his head violently and she reached over to pat his hand.

"Thank you for your help, Colton."

"You're welcome," he managed to squeak out before they all stood up and he and Jo were dismissed from the room. They walked down the hallway to the bench they'd been sitting on before and she kept her arm around his shoulders while they sat down.

"Colton?"

"Yes?"

She turned to face him, tipping his chin up and catching his big brown eyes with her own.

"I am very, very proud of you. You are so brave and you are a good man."

She hugged him as tightly as she could and he held on, playing her words over in his head. She'd called him a good man. That's always what mama said about daddy. It made his chest feel big and he couldn't stop the smile coming across his face. Jo didn't have to say anything nice to him, she'd just done it because she wanted to and she felt like it was the truth. She didn't say it to make him feel good, she said it because she believed it. And if Jo believed he was a good man, then he really must be.

"Thanks for sayin' that, Jo."

"You're welcome. I love you."

"I love you too. When are mama and daddy gonna come out here?"

"I don't know, sweetie. Would you like to go with me to get some lunch?"

"I'd like that a lot."

* * *

Adam didn't know that he was going to feel so relaxed and at peace all morning as they sat through the hours of testimony, just to get to the sentencing portion. He thought he would be antsy, waiting to be disappointed or angry. But it turned out that he felt completely content no matter what the sentence was. His father would be going to jail, there was no question about that. It was just a matter of how long at this point. They'd already proven him guilty of the child endangerment and neglect that he'd plead innocent to and the judge had decided to push on through and do sentencing in the same day. It wasn't typically done that way, especially since he'd waived his right to a speedy trial, but the judge could see how desperately everyone wanted this to be over.

The clock continued to tick and Adam couldn't help glancing at it, willing everything to go faster so he could leave this room and go check on his son. That's what he was really worried about, that Colton would be okay no matter what happened.

He thought back, trying to remember how he'd felt in those first few months after he and his mom had escaped. It was hard to remember that time, whether he'd blocked it out or his mind had never latched onto it in the first place, he didn't know. He was sure there was some relief, and the fear of his father coming back for them had been there for a lot of years. To be honest, that fear sat with him until he'd moved to New York. As often as he and Colton discussed what had happened he still didn't know exactly how his son was feeling. It scared him a little in some ways, but in others it made him proud to know that his son was strong enough to work through some things on his own.

He was so deep in thought that he didn't notice that the sentence was being handed down until Lindsay squeezed his hand.

"For the charge of first degree kidnapping the defendant will serve a term of twelve years. For the charge of unlawful transportation of a minor over state lines, the defendant will serve three years. And for the charge of aggravated abuse and neglect of a minor, the defendant will serve ten years. Sentences will be served consecutively for a total of twenty-five years."

His breath left him in a whoosh and his chin met his chest in disbelief. Finally, after so many years of abuse, so many years of mental torture afterwards, after everything that had just happened, justice was being served. It was even more than he thought it would be and his hands started to shake as he felt the pull his father had start to fade, faster and more permanently than it ever had before. He'd been released from that hell for thirty-one years, but this was the first day that he was truly free.

He lifted his head and found Lindsay looking at him, a smile spread widely across her face. He smiled back at her, unable to describe what he was feeling right now, but not feeling any pressure to do so. She held his hand tightly then reached her other hand up to cup his face.

"It's over."

"I know."

"He's going to rot in there."

"Let's get Colton and go home."

She nodded and they went out into the hallway where Colton and Jo were still sitting after returning from lunch.

"Mama? Daddy? Did it go good?"

"It went great, buddy," Lindsay said with a smile. Colton ran to them happily and laughed when he was scooped up into his daddy's arms.

"How do you feel, daddy?"

"So much better, son. You did a really good job."

"Is he goin' to jail?"

"Yeah buddy. For a really long time."

"I'm so glad, daddy. You and me never have to worry 'bout the likes of him ever again. That is so great. I am real happy."

"Me too bud."

Colton dropped his voice and cupped his finger around Adam's ear.

"You are the best daddy in the world. Thanks for teachin' me to be a good man."

* * *

"Goodnight Avery. I'll see you in the morning."

"Ah mama, night. Sleepy."

"I know you're sleepy. Close your eyes and snuggle down there. Want your penguin?" she asked, handing her the sock animal.

"No. Blankie."

"Okay baby. Sweet dreams. I'll see you in the morning."

Lindsay slipped out of the room and closed the door partway, then tiptoed across the hallway where the boys were tucked into bed and whispering quietly to each other.

"Hi mama," Ben greeted. "We was finishin' up some discussin'."

"That's alright, I just came in to say goodnight."

"Well then aren't you gonna kiss me?"

She chuckled and sat down on his bed, brushing his hair back and kissing his cheek.

"I love you Ben. I'll see you in the morning."

"Love you too, mama. Sleep really good."

She moved over to Colton's bed and he smiled up at her, that face she hadn't seen in months.

"You doing better honey?"

"Yep. I don't feel like all the air is heavy on me anymore. You ever felt like the air is heavy mama?"

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. It feels much better, doesn't it?"

"Yes. I told Isa about it and she said it feels like when she gets in trouble and Danny and Austin hug her afterwards. It makes everything the way it used to be."

"Yeah, as close as it can be. Are you going to be okay tonight?"

He nodded and played with her hand, yawning a little.

"Mama, could you tell Jo I said thank you for bein' with me today?"

"I'll call her in the morning."

"Tell her I so 'preciated it."

"I will. Did daddy already say goodnight?"

"Yeah, he tucked us in while you were changin' Aves."

"Okay. I love you Colton. And I'm really proud of you."

"Thanks mama."

"I'll see you in the morning."

She leaned down to hug him and he held on a little longer than normal before letting her go.

"Goodnight."

She left the room, planning on going upstairs to find Adam, but feeling a gentle breeze from the bathroom window. Peeking out, she found him sitting on the back porch roof, staring up at the few stars he could see.

"Room for one more?"

He turned and smiled at her, nodding gently and chuckling as she shimmied out the window and sat next to him.

"What are you doin' out here babe?"

"Sittin'. Thinkin'. Fresh air."

She sighed and wrapped her arm around his, leaning against his shoulder.

"We haven't sat out here for a long time."

"Yeah and you were pregnant last time and I made fun of you for the way you tried to get in and out of the window."

"Shut up," she giggled.

"Remember what we talked about that night?"

"There were a lot of things. You told me that when you were a kid you used to want to go to the moon and look at the stars from there. You wondered if they would look different."

"I still wonder that."

She smiled and they fell into silence for a while, both looking up at the few stars that shone brightly enough to be seen over the city lights.

"What was it like, Linds?"

"What was what like?"

"When you testified in court and heard that the man that had ruined your life was going to jail forever. How did that feel?"

"Scary. Testifying was hard, but when that sentence came down… I don't know. You can't ever change what happened, but it definitely gives you a point to start from to make things into a new normal."

"Yeah."

"How do you feel right now?"

"Happy. I'm not overjoyed, you know. Can't be with everything that happened, but I think I'm in a better place than I've ever been before."

"I've never known you without this hanging over your head," she noted softly. "Not that you live by it or let it define you, but it's always been there."

"I'm sorry, babe."

"For what?"

"For always having that wall up. It's not a huge one, but it's there and it's between us."

"What do you mean honey?"

He sighed and looked down at her, tucking her hair behind her ear and letting his eyes search hers for a minute.

"Let's go inside."

She nodded and followed him back through the window, shutting it behind them before they went upstairs. He didn't say anything, just changed his clothes and slid into bed, so she followed his lead, pulling a pillow under her head and laying on her side to look at him. She could tell he wanted to say what was on his mind but he was having a hard time finding the words, so she reached out and brushed her hand gently over his face, making her eyes wide, knowing that the openness could help him.

"I haven't been everything to you that I could be," he said after a moment. "Or to the kids. I've held back something from you and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry."

"What do you think you've held back?"

"I'm not exactly sure. I just don't think I've given you all of me. I want to do better."

She looked at him confusedly for a moment, sighing and trying to figure out what he was really saying.

"Adam, you know that I wouldn't change anything about you, right?"

"I know that. I just feel like I've given in to the anger and resentment my whole life and I don't want to do that anymore. It's not fair to everyone else. It's not fair to me."

"Okay," she said softly, still not sure what he was getting at, but trusting that as long as he knew it would be alright. "I love you."

"I love you too babe. Goodnight."

* * *

Her feet were heavy and her hands shook as she walked through the door and sat down in the booth the guard had indicated to her. This visit to the jail was more on instinct than anything else and even though she hated to keep it a secret, she wasn't sure she would be telling Adam yet. Eventually of course but now while everything was so fresh, she didn't need to bring it up.

The door buzzed and Adam's father was shoved into the seat opposite her. He stared at her for a moment and she kept a poker face before picking up the phone. He was hesitant but picked his end up too, taking a deep breath. He looked older than he had yesterday and for just a brief moment, she wondered how hard this had been on him.

"Hello, Lindsay. We've never formally met before."

"We don't need to."

"Then what are you here for?"

"Why did you do it?"

"I think the court answered that for you yesterday."

"Not good enough. I want to hear it from you."

He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Lemme tell you what. You want to know why? You gotta give me something in return."

She lifted her eyebrow at him and nearly laughed.

"I'm a cop. I've seen this routine a hundred times. Never mind, you're not worth it."

"Hey, wait! Don't go yet."

"You're a pathetic man, do you know that?"

He didn't answer and she sighed, wishing she hadn't come.

"Why did you do all this? Take Colton from us, make us go through this trial, all the calling for years beforehand. Why?"

"Because Adam is my son and I want to be a part of his life."

"Then why did you beat him every day when he was a kid? Why did you hold a gun on his mother when she tried to leave?"

"I was sick."

"Why did you hate your son so much? Why do you still hate him?"

"I didn't hate him," he growled, slamming his fist down. "I love my son. I made mistakes and I am paying for them but that doesn't mean I never loved him."

"Yes it does. You loved the power you had over him and you couldn't even let go of that so he could live his own life. You're a pathetic excuse for a man. I am so glad he turned out to be nothing like you and I wish I could come over there and beat you into the ground again for everything you've done, but you know what? We get to move on and you get to spend hopefully the rest of your little life rotting in a cell, all by yourself, no family to visit you, no one to wield your power over, nothing to be proud of. I hope you're happy."

She slammed the phone back onto the hook and stood up, turning to leave the room.

"I'll always be in their heads," he shouted after her, through the plexi-glass. "And I'll always be in yours too. I win!"

"No you don't win!" she yelled, turning around. "You don't win at all. Because you're alone and we're not. You may think that you're in our heads but you have no power there because we know the truth and we know how weak you really are. Soon you'll be nothing but a story, and before you know it, it will be like you never existed. So you can think you won all you want, but you're still the one behind bars and we're the ones that are going to be just fine."

She turned on her heel and stalked out of the room, out of the building and down the street for several blocks before she slowed down to breathe normally. Maybe it would be best to not tell Adam about this for quite some time.


	213. Chapter 213

A/N: Do you like Austin? Do you want to know more about where she came from? Go read "May I" by Piper Maru Duchovny. You won't regret it.

* * *

"Her name is Katie Eacker, she's a kindergarten teacher in Queens," Flack said, reading out of his notepad and motioning to the girl that was laying half in and half out of a phone booth. "Twenty-seven years old."

"She was beat pretty bad," Danny commented, adjusting the settings on the camera to take a closeup of her face. "Who called it in?"

"Anonymous call came in an hour ago," Austin answered.

"Did anyone find her missing shoe?" Lindsay asked, scrutinizing the tear in the sock. "Looks like she ran for a bit without it."

"I've got some rookies on it. We're canvassing right now to see if anyone saw or heard anything."

"Maybe we should let our fingers do the walking," Lindsay suggested vaguely, knowing that only Adam would have understood the direct reference but Austin would at least get the gist.

"Check the phone booth to see if she called anyone?"

"That and maybe there's some fresh prints."

"Maybe she dialed M for murder," Danny suggested. Lindsay and Austin just started at him for a minute before exchanging a fast look.

"What? Flack woulda said that you two woulda thought it was so cute. I say it and I get the look, double time."

"That's because Flack is more likely to reference Colin Farrel in a phonebooth, rather than a classic."

"So you expect more from me, but you're still gonna insult us both about it?"

"Basically yes."

"I don't have a problem with this," Flack noted with a shrug. "I'm gonna go check on the canvass."

He walked away from them and Austin shook her head, crouching down to inspect the victim's fingernails.

"Looks like she fought back."

"Danny, are you done takin' overalls so I can bag her hands?"

"Yeah, go for it."

Lindsay pulled two bags out from her kit and secured them around the victims hands, noting that rigor hadn't started to set in yet, despite the warm temperatures which usually sped up the process. That could place time of death at a lot less than three to four hours. She glanced around them, noting the buildings on either side, but knowing that this area wasn't very populated, and in the wee hours of the morning with this had probably happened, it wasn't surprising that no one had come forward with information.

"Whatcha got?" Hawkes asked as he joined them, sliding on his gloves and crouching down to make his examination.

"Bruising around the neck indicates she was choked from behind," Danny started. "Haven't moved her much to check but from what I can see it looks like bare hands."

"Petechial hemorrhaging in the eyes. Scratches on the neck. Definitely presents as a strangulation. We'll make sure to fume the body before autopsy."

They continued to collect the little evidence they could and in a little while the body was being loaded into the coroners van.

"Always catch a body at the end of your graveyard shift, huh?" Danny chuckled as he and Lindsay secured all the evidence in the back of the SUV.

"Never fails."

"You gotta get home?"

"No, Adam doesn't come on until noon."

He nodded and they got into the car where he changed the radio station. She'd picked on the way out, so it was only fair that he got to pick for the ride back. This many years of going to scenes and they'd only figured out that compromise a week ago.

"I'll buy you breakfast before we go back to the lab."

"No thanks."

"You gotta eat, Montana."

"I'll eat when I'm dead."

"Do you know anything about zombies? They eat brains, not breakfast."

"You sound like your son," she snickered hearing Junior say the same thing.

"I've got strong genes."

"That's for sure. Yesterday Isa told me that even if I was right she wasn't going to admit it because in some other universe I would be wrong."

"That's my girl."

Lindsay chuckled and rested her feet on the dashboard, closing her eyes for a moment as her long shift caught up with her. Going from days to nights to graves was enough to set the internal clock into a tailspin and when there were kids to take care of at home, there was no hope of getting anything resembling enough sleep.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked after a moment.

"Sure, what's up?"

"I went to see Adam's dad."

"What?"

"Last week. The day after the trial. I kind of yelled at him a bit."

He sighed and glanced over at her for a moment before she recounted the entire visit to him in great detail.

"Montana… you told Adam yet?"

"No, and I don't want him finding out either."

"You can't keep secrets from him, especially not like that. I know what happens when you two aren't honest with each other."

"Austin told you?"

"That and I'm not an idiot."

"Well I can't tell him right now. It's too fresh and he needs to find his footing before I can say anything."

"So then you'll tell him and he'll have to start this process all over again."

"Danny…"

"You say my name all exasperated, but you know I'm right."

"I shouldn't have said anything to you."

"Hey now, I'm your friend and I am on your side and I'm listening to you. That's a lot to ask for from a man."

She rolled her eyes and he cleared his throat, shifting his eyes to her once more.

"I'm not gonna tell him, Linds, but don't get so used to keeping it a secret that you never say anything."

"I know. I won't."

"I'm gonna ask you about it later."

"Okay. Thanks Danny."

* * *

The sun had only been up for an hour when they made their way to the morgue and Lindsay was more than ready to go home and sleep for a few hours, but duty was calling loud and clear.

"You get through this, I'll get you some coffee."

"Why didn't you offer that before?"

"I offered breakfast, that includes coffee."

"I'm cranky."

"No kiddin'."

She shoved him half-heartedly as they got off the elevator and walked into the morgue. Sid was standing over their victim, making notes on his clipboard.

"Hey Sid, whaddya got?"

"Nothing spectacular. Cause of death is strangulation from behind with someone's hands, just as you suspected at the scene. I fumed the body and got partial prints, but it looks like they were mostly wiped off. I've got them here for you."

He handed the prints to Lindsay and she looked over them for a second before a yawn made her eyes water.

"I would estimate time of death at three this morning. I sent blood up to tox and I'll call you when the results come in."

"Hey thanks Sid," Danny said as they turned and left the cold basement room. "Montana, you should go home. Get a couple hours of sleep before you gotta be on kid duty."

"Are you sure?"

"You've been on for ten hours already and you're gonna be useless soon. Go. Get out of here."

"You're really sure?" she asked, handing over the fingerprints as they reached their office.

"Yes. Leave. Go now!"

"I am not tired enough to not catch that you're mocking _White Noise_ nor am I forgetting how you and Adam riffed it the entire way through, calling it Brown Noise and making fart sounds."

"It lends itself to bein' mocked."

"Okay. I'll see you later. Keep me posted."

"I will."

They went their separate ways and she took a minute to call home and tell Adam she was on her way. He was only half listening, presumably partway through feeding the kids breakfast.

She rolled her eyes and ended the call, yawning once more as she went down to the parking garage, glad for once that she'd driven today because she would most certainly fall asleep on public transportation, and that could only end in disaster.

Morning rush hour killed whatever patience she had left and by the time she stumbled in the door it was definitely time for bed.

"Hey babe, Ben's preschool called, they need you to fax them that allergy and prescription sheet."

"No hello?"

"Mornin' hon. Ben's preschool called."

"Why do I even bother?" she sighed, leaning up to kiss him. "I'm going to bed for a few hours. Wake me before you leave."

"Okay."

"Where's Avery?"

"I think she's playing with the dog or somethin'."

"You're so attentive," she chuckled, walking over to hug the boys.

"Do we get to play with you today mama?" Ben asked hopefully.

"Yes, after I get some sleep."

"Did you have a lot of work?"

"Yeah, quite a bit."

"Hey mama how much longer until school starts?"

"Two weeks buddy. We'll go clothes shopping in a few days."

"Okay. Have a good sleep. I will keep daddy and the kids quiet for you."

"Thanks Colton," she chuckled. He just nodded as she left the room and went upstairs to sleep. She had to stop and pick up clothes and towels off the bathroom floor before finally making it all the way into her bedroom where she found yet another thing to clean up.

Avery was sitting in the bed, the blankets pulled up to her chest, eating a bag of Cheetos.

"Hi mama!" she said, waving happily before shoving another treat into her mouth.

"Hi baby. What do you have there?"

"Cheese!"

"Oh, that's great. Make sure to wipe your hands on daddy's pillow, alright?"

"Okay mama. Sleep?"

"Yeah, I'm going to grab a few winks," she said, kicking her shoes off and changing into sweats before crawling into bed.

"Avery shhh," the baby assured, nodding her head. "Cheese."

"Alright sweetheart."

"Night-night."

Lindsay rolled over and closed her eyes, not minding the crunching that was going on behind her because she was so incredibly tired. She was just on the cusp of sleep when the boys thundered through the downstairs hallway laughing and shouting.

"Quiet!" Avery hollered. "Mama sleep!"

Lindsay snickered as Avery reached over and patted her head a little too vigorously.

"Nice mama. Sleep mama. Pretty mama. Precious mama."

"Hey baby do you think you could take your snack downstairs and eat at the table?"

Avery jutted out her bottom lip and blinked a few times, then looked down at her hands.

"Want mama."

"If you put those Cheetos away and let me clean your hands, you can lay down with me for a little bit."

"Okay," she agreed, crawling over to deposit the Cheetos on Adam's side of the bed while Lindsay found a pack of wipes on her bedside table.

"Alright, all clean. Are you going to take a nap and be quiet?"

"Uh-huh. Shh mama."

They snuggled down together and Avery pressed her nose to Lindsay's.

"Love mama."

"I love you too baby."

* * *

"Hey Linds, you want to hear something interesting about next of kin?" Jo asked.

"Katie Eacker?"

"Yeah. Twin sister. Identical."

"That is interesting. Anything else so far?"

"Not really. As you know there weren't many hairs and fibers at the scene and really all we have to go on is the handprint of unknown origins. They did finally find the shoe though, it's waiting to be processed. All the rest of the clothes have been tagged and catalogued so they're done but all the trace has to be run still."

"So that's what we're doing tonight huh?"

"Absolutely."

"Good because I don't mind sitting for the next eight hours."

"Long day?"

"Very little sleep."

"Well let's see what we can get done before we have to resort to the coffee."

They split all the clothing up equally and began to work in silence, taking swabs and scrapings for almost an hour before they started sending everything through the GCMS.

"Sid did find some trace on the body. Pain relief rub on her shoulder and spilled scotch on her chest. There was also some trace in the handprint on her neck, but it was composed of so many things it's taken a while to break down."

"Do we know her whereabouts last night?"

"She went out with some friends for a birthday party, they hit a few bars. That was the plan at least, according to her sister Laura. Last I heard they were still trying to track down her friends."

"I hate working the night shift. I feel like I don't know anything that's going on and all the evidence is without context."

"Not to mention the sucky hours."

"Yeah, that too."

"Hawkes and Danny spent the day going to bars near the scene, but no one could really remember Katie. She's not exactly someone that stands out, and from what her sister said, her personality isn't one that would turn heads either."

"You know, she's got a plethora of trace on the soles of her shoes. Some of it is sticky but I've got some stuff that looks like motor oil, and this looks like a peanut shell stuck in the tread."

"Peanut shells on the floor of one of the bars maybe earlier in the night."

"I wonder when the scotch got spilled on her. Did anyone track down exactly what kind it was?"

"Adam spent a few hours on that earlier," Jo said, sliding her chair across the floor to grab the file that had all the test results in it. "Common brand, served at most bars around town. The muscle rub was generic as well, and she had the tube in her purse."

"We need to find her friends, she if she met anyone at any of the bars. I'm thinking that when that scotch was spilled on her, she wasn't very happy."

"Maybe someone a little too aggressive?"

"Scotch is kind of a douchy drink."

Jo snorted a laugh and nodded.

"Good men drink whatever's on tap?"

"Real men aren't picky."

"I agree with you there. Coffee?"

"Yes a million times over," Lindsay said, securing the evidence and collecting all the test results they'd printed out so far. "I want the biggest cup we have in there and I think I might dig out that old French press."

"Why don't you just eat the grounds?"

"Because that would be ridiculous and would probably make me heave."

"But you were thinking about it for a second."

"I won't lie. I was entertaining the idea."

They went into the break room and found that the coffee makes was still on and the little bits of coffee left had scorched to the inside of the pot.

"Oh great, now we've got to clean this up," Lindsay grumped, wrinkling her nose.

"I'll do it. You have this."

"Instant coffee?"

"I keep it hidden on the top shelf in the back. I've needed it instantly too many times."

"Jo, have I told you lately that I love you?"

* * *

"I don't like this shirt," Colton said, holding it up for Lindsay to see. "See how big this tag is? Tags always itch my neck."

"Okay. Was the size okay when you tried it on?"

"Yeah, it fit me good."

"Alright. I picked out some more for you to try."

"Can I try on pants instead? I'm bored of shirts."

"Yeah. I have some jeans and some slacks to try."

"Hey mama, whatever clothes I pick out, Ben will wear them someday right?"

"If they fit him, yeah," she answered, not wanting to think about Ben that grown up. Watching Colton turn into a little adult was fun and she loved having real conversations with him, but she wanted to keep Ben just as he was for now.

"Well then maybe we can get this shirt right here. I like it but it has that dinosaur on it, so Ben will love to have it someday."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, why not? Besides, by the time Ben is my age, this shirt might not be here anymore."

"Okay then honey," she said, adding the shirt to the small pile of clothes they'd decided to buy. "Why don't you go in there and try on those pants, but I need to see you in all of them to make sure they fit."

"I'll be fast."

He took the pants and went into the fitting room while she leaned against the cart and wondered how in the world she had gotten such a well mannered and agreeable child, even when faced with a day of clothes shopping. She remembered taking Adam out just to find a new pair of pants to wear to court and he'd whined and complained the entire time, and they'd ended up arguing, forgetting the pants and she'd had to fix the hem on the old ones early the next morning. That had been just a few months after they were married and she'd never taken him clothes shopping again. Colton had been graced with a lot more patience and desire to please than his father had.

"How do these ones look, mama?"

"They look nice. They're a little long, but we can save them back for a few months because I'm sure you're going to grow. How do they feel?"

"Pretty good. I like 'em."

She nodded and he went back to change into another pair.

"Mama, somethin's wrong with these pants," he called after a minute. "Or maybe somethin's wrong with my legs!"

"Unlock the door so I can help you."

The latch clicked and she opened the door, finding him struggling with a pair of skinny jeans.

"Oh, I didn't know those were in the pile."

"Why are they so tight? I can't get them on or off! They're stuck!"

"Let me help you," she chuckled crouching down to get the denim off of him.

"Wow. Those pants feel like a scuba suit."

"I'll put them back."

"Good. I never wanna see pants like that ever again."

"Go ahead and try a different pair then."

She slipped back out of the room and put the rejected jeans carefully back on the rack while her phone rang.

"Hey Aust."

"Isa just told me she is not wearing a skirt to school no matter what."

"She did?"

"And then she threw the skirt down on the ground, said it made her knees look funny, locked herself in the fitting room and said she wouldn't come out until I got rid of all the girly crap. Her words not mine."

"That's fantastic. Did you get rid of the girly crap?"

"I did and she kept pouting, so I told her I was picking out hair bows and tights."

"The two of you are going to kill each other one day."

"I know. How goes shopping with the boy?"

"Perfect except he got stuck in a pair of jeans and he's grown three sizes since the last time I bought clothes for him. He's all tall and skinny and opinionated. Where did that come from?"

"Couldn't tell you. Maybe we can switch kids for a day. I think Isa would listen to you more than she listens to me, and I would love to know what it's like to have an agreeable child for a few hours."

"You're forgetting Sarah."

"She picks out her own clothes. I don't have to do anything except tell her it doesn't match, but that argument falls on deaf ears."

"What she lacks in volume she makes up for in statement."

"That she does. Anyway, mostly just wanted to check in. Tell you I love you. All that good stuff."

"I love you too, but I am not telling you what you're getting for your birthday."

"It was worth a shot. I'll talk to you later."

"Good luck with your clone."

"I'm hanging up now."

Lindsay chuckled as the call ended. They'd both been busy and their conversations had moved from being marathons to just being quick runs around the block. She was glad they could say a lot to each other in a short amount of time, otherwise she would be feeling very distant and curmudgeonly.

"All these pants were too short or too tight," Colton reported as he came out of the fitting room. "But all these ones fit me good. Is that enough clothes for today? Can we go home?"

"Yeah, I think that's enough for now. Maybe we should wait until you grow some more to find anything else for you. Unless you want to try shoes today."

"Not really. Could we go to the bookstore instead?"

"Really?"

"Yeah! I really miss you when you have to work at crazy times and we could go to the bookstore and have coffee and catch up on our lives!"

"Okay buddy," she laughed, crouching down to hug him. "I would love to get caught up on your life."

"Good. It's a date."


	214. Chapter 214

It was a few days and a change in shifts before Laura Eacker was visited for an interview. She was still so distraught over her sisters death that her boyfriend had to sit with her, nearly holding her up when she had to walk. At first it seemed like an act, unbelievable that someone couldn't hold it together enough to answer some questions. But the more Lindsay thought about it, the more she remembered how hard it was to hold things together in times like this. She thought about how hard it would be if she lost Austin and suddenly the desire for an interview fell by the wayside and all she really wanted to do was sit down next to Laura and cry with her and tell her she knew how she felt.

But duty and justice came first so she steeled herself and sat down next to Jo, across from Laura and her boyfriend Dane, who looked to be just as upset as his girlfriend was. A silence fell over the room as Jo expressed her condolences and Lindsay looked over the information they already had.

"Laura I know it's hard to remember details right now but can you tell us anything abnormal that happened with your sister in the last few weeks?"

"No. She was so busy, getting things in her classroom ready for the start of the school year. We hadn't seen each other much, but we'd been talking a lot."

"How was her state of mind?"

"She was happy. Couldn't wait for the new year."

"Going out with her friends, was that normal?" Jo asked softly, letting a little more accent into her voice because she knew the calming effect it had.

"In the summer she went out with them sometimes. Not often, but it wasn't something she never did."

"Was she involved with anyone romantically?"

"No. Katie hasn't dated since college. Always said she wanted to get her feet on the ground and figure out her own life first."

"We tried to get her to date," Dane added. "She wasn't opposed to meeting people but she didn't want blind dates and she wasn't a fan of doubling either. She finally just told us to let her do it on her own."

"What kind of hobbies did she have? Places she went often, people she might have known casually through every day encounters."

"She did Pilates seven mornings a week. She was planning on becoming an instructor."

"Do you know where at?"

"I… I really don't. I don't know who her friends were outside our mutual friends. I don't know where she got her groceries, where she got coffee. I don't know anything."

"Yes you do," Jo assured. "You might not know where or why, but you have a special connection to your sister that no one else has. If there was something she was hiding, if she was scared of something or anything like that, you might be able to feel that."

"I didn't know her as well as I thought."

"You might know more than you think."

The interview didn't last much longer and when it was over, they didn't know much more than they had at the beginning. There were a few leads to go on but nothing really solid and while it didn't feel like it would go cold, it definitely didn't seem that hopeful.

"Well, what's next?" Lindsay asked as they got into the car to drive back to the lab. Under normal circumstances, they would have conducted the interview at the precinct, but this time called for an exception.

"I don't know."

"Do you think it was random? The more we learn about it, the more it seems like it had to have been a stranger. Nothing in her life indicates that she was being followed, that she had any bad blood with anyone, that she was hanging around with people she shouldn't have. It just doesn't make sense unless it's random and then it makes even less sense."

"I love this job, but I hate this job."

"Right with you on that. I'm going to call Danny and see if they got the security tapes from the bars she was at the other night."

She sunk back into the passengers seat while Jo navigated the city streets, cursing softly under her breath when a taxi cut her off, and cursing a little louder when a pedestrian stepped off the curb without looking. Lindsay chuckled as she listened to Danny give her an answer that didn't really answer her question. She wasn't sure if he did it on purpose or if he really forgot what she'd asked and just kept talking, hoping he would stumble upon the answer.

"So Danny, did those security tapes come in yet?"

"They're on the way."

"Thank you, Blues Traveler."

"Huh?"

"You gave me the run-around. I would so beat you in musical Trivial Pursuit."

"You remember what happened last time the four of us played Trivial Pursuit? Austin chucked the popcorn bowl at me, had bad aim and hit Adam in the face."

"Remember how his nose bled?"

"Remember how he cried?"

She laughed and shook her head, realizing that night had been many years ago, before any of them were joined by children.

"I married a girl."

"Like that Katy Perry song."

"Danny, that was _I Kissed a Girl_."

"Well didn't you experiment in college?"

"I went to college in Montana."

"So your song was more like I Kissed a Cow."

"What happens in the rodeo stays in the rodeo."

"That's what you get for wakin' up on a dairy farm."

"Okay, you win that one. I'll see you back at the lab in a bit."

"Later."

She hung up the phone and Jo shook her head in amusement.

"What?"

"I'm just waiting for the noogies to start."

"That man doesn't dare give me a noogie. He tried it once with very bad results."

"The good thing about him is he never makes the same mistake twice?"

"Mostly."

"So did the videos come in?"

"Not yet, but they'll be there soon. I'm just hoping we can get something from them, for as long as it's taken to get them."

"That would be fair."

"So you're saying it won't happen?"

"I am not saying anything because I am a strong believer in jinxes."

"You carry a horseshoe, don't you?"

"And a rabbit's foot."

"What if one cancels the other out?"

"That's why I have a barnstar over the front door."

"I thought that was just your down home southern charm. Now I find out you're superstitious."

"Not superstitious, just prepared."

"Difference noted."

* * *

"Oh my word, this reminds me of that episode of X-Files where Scully had to stare out the window at the seamy underbelly," Lindsay whined, rubbing her eyes and trying to focus on the fourth hour of security tapes from one of the bars that Katie and her friends had been to that night.

"Welcome to my world babe. You get to go out in the field and I have to sit here and sift through evidence for hours on end."

"Okay Adam, we're even. Just remind me why I said I would sit here and do this with you."

"Because you love me and you miss me and we can look at this like movie night."

"The plot is terrible."

He chuckled and reached over to rub her shoulders.

"Oh wait, right there."

"Right here?"

"No, Adam on the screen," she chuckled. "See that guy right there talking to Katie? I wonder if that's the guy she met online."

"She doesn't seem to be that impressed with him, but he doesn't look like he's bugging her."

"She's humoring him. See how she's chewing her nails?"

"So when you chew your nails, you're saying you're just humoring me?"

"No, I would never just humor you honey," she said, smirking and looking quickly away.

"You're gonna get it."

"Adam, we're supposed to be working."

"What's work?"

Sighing, she pushed her chair further from his and concentrated on the screen while he watched her.

"Stop lookin' at me."

"What are you doing tonight?"

"Going to sleep very early."

"You wound me."

"Tell you what. You get some work done and maybe I will change my mind."

"Really?"

"You know I can't resist you, but I've got to cut a deal to save face."

"Whatever makes us both happy," he chuckled, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Yeah. Now can we get to work?"

"Yes."

She took the video off pause and they slowed it down, trying to get a good visual of the man's face.

"Hey baby, you wanna go back to my place?" Lindsay said in a deep New York accent as the man moved on from Katie and tried to flirt with another girl.

"Um like do you have games? Like Twister?"

"I got a twister for you, baby."

"Is there alcohol in this? I am so drunk!"

"That's nice, I like them drunk. Where'd you get that skirt? It's fly."

"My daddy bought it for me. He has a lot of money. I used his credit card!"

"Lemme buy you a drink hot stuff. And then after that you could repay me."

Adam crinkled his nose and shook his head.

"Avery's never leaving the house."

"Agreed."

"And finally after all that MTV imitation he finally looks towards the camera," Adam said in relief, creating a screen capture to run through the facial recognition database.

"Excellent. I am going to go throw back some coffee and call to check on the kids."

"Alright, I'll be here in the nerdery with my calculator."

"That's where I like you."

He chuckled and she dropped a kiss to the top of his head before crossing the hall into the breakroom and pouring another cup of coffee. Her stomach rumbled at the bitter caffeine and she remembered that she hadn't eaten today, except for a bit of waffle that Avery had graciously offered her early this morning. Leaning against the counter she pulled out her phone and called Austin, who had all six kids today.

"Hello?"

"Hey, how's things?"

"Well the good news is that Colton, Isa and Sarah have been working on a 300 piece puzzle for the last hour with no signs of getting bored and Avery is taking a nap with Elvis. The bad news is that Ben and Daniel got in their very first fight and Ben won't come out of the bathroom."

"What did they fight about?"

"I'm not sure but they were both crying and saying the other one started it. I tried talking to Ben but he said "Go away from me, I wanna be me, myself and my eyes." I had to leave because otherwise I would have laughed."

"Can you tell him I'm on the phone? Maybe I can talk him out of there."

"Yeah, just a second."

There were a few moments of quiet and then a squeaking noise as Ben reached his hand out of the bathroom for the phone.

"Hello mama. Are you coming home soon? I don't want to be here anymore."

"Why? What happened?"

"Me and Dunner yelled at each other! He said I was bein' mean because I am goin' to preschool and he is not! I said we will be friends and he said no and we is supposed to do stuffs together. And I said he should be happy that I get to learn stuff and he was jerky for wantin' me not to have fun. And then we wrestled because we felt mean and then we called each other names and my feelings were hurt so I cried and hided in the bathroom. And that's the story of what happened."

"Honey, maybe Junior is just a little jealous because he wants to go to preschool too. Maybe it would be better if you didn't talk about it all the time. It makes him feel bad."

"Like how he gets to do baseball and I don't?"

"Yeah. It's good for you two to do separate things sometimes but that doesn't mean you're not friends."

"Okay."

"You should probably go apologize to him. You know Junior doesn't get mad very often so his feelings must be really hurt right now."

"Okay mama. I will do that. But what if he doesn't forgive me?"

"Sometimes it takes people some time to get over their hurts. If he doesn't want to play still, you can just give him some space and do something else until he is ready. Alright?"

"Okay. I feel better talkin' to you mama. I will go talk to Dunner. You wanna speak with Austin again?"

"Yes please. I love you."

"Love you too. And know what else? My bottom feels funny from sittin' on the floor so long."

"Yeah, it's probably numb. It will feel normal again later."

"Will I feel it if I toot?" he whispered curiously.

"Pretty sure you will."

"Good. Don't wanna embarrass myself."

She chuckled as he handed the phone back to Austin.

"I guess sometimes little boys just need their mamas."

"Yeah, Ben does at least. Is everything else okay?"

"Colton's refereeing a fight between Isa and Sarah, but he's holding his own pretty well. Lots of drama around here today."

"Adam should be there in a few hours."

"Don't worry about it. They're all pretty good, it's just normal kid stuff. Avery just woke up though and she's giving me that mug face because I don't have an entire table of food ready for her."

"Do you think we should put her on a baby diet?"

"No, she just likes to try things, she doesn't eat too much. Yes, I'm talking about you Avery. Don't look at me like that, I'm getting you fruit snacks."

"She's quite the diva and it's Adam's fault."

"I think some of it might be maternally genetic."

"Hey, he's the one that feeds into it."

"At least she's cute about it."

"Yeah. I'll let you go, but one of us will be there before dinner time. Thanks for doing this."

"You're welcome. Dinner on Sunday?"

"Yeah, that works."

"Love you."

"Love you too."

They hung up and Lindsay looked down at her empty coffee cup, deciding that she needed food to balance it out or she was going to be very sick. Luckily there was an apple in the fruit bowl on the table and she grabbed it, inspecting for bruises before she bit into it.

"Hey Linds, I got a name to go with that face," Adam announced poking his head in the door. "Nick Aleto."

"Got an address to go with that name that goes with that face?"

"Sure do. And I will give it to you under one condition."

"What?"

"Take someone with you. And be careful. It's always when you just go to innocently question someone that you end up getting hurt."

"I know. I'll be fine," she promised, taking the file from him. "And if I'm not, at least you know where the coupon drawer is."

"That's not funny."

"What? I expect you to still use coupons."

"Lindsay, don't joke."

"I'm sorry, honey. I won't joke about it."

"Alright. Take this and be safe."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Nick Aleto, NYPD! We need to ask you a few questions."

"What?" came the confused voice from inside.

"NYPD!" Jess answered back rolling her eyes. "Open up!"

"Okay, okay. Hold your horses lady!"

"That's not going to go over well," Jo whispered so only Lindsay could hear.

The door clicked open and the man from the video stood there looking disheveled and like he'd just rolled out of bed, even though it was three in the afternoon.

"Yeah, so what do you want?"

"Can we come in or did no one ever teach you how to receive guests?"

"Uh, sure."

They stepped inside the messy bachelor pad and exchanged looks of disgust while he settled himself down on the couch.

"Now what did you want to talk about?"

"Were you at Club Mercury on Friday night?"

"There's been a lot of clubs in my life, lady."

"Let me refresh your memory," Lindsay said, pulling out a photo. "Katie Eacker."

"Oh yeah, I know her. Yeah. Met online. She was okay, kind of cold."

"Well now she's really cold."

"Huh?"

"On a slab."

"What?"

"In the morgue."

"Where?"

"Stone cold dead, Nicky," Jo explained, crossing her arms. "What happened at that bar?"

"She's dead?"

"Yes, she's dead. She died Friday night shortly after leaving the bar. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?"

"No, I only talked to her for a while. She wasn't interested and there were better options for me."

"She rejected you then. Did that make you mad?"

"Even if she had rejected me I wouldn't have minded. There were a lot of women at that bar the other night and only one Nick Aleto."

"How wonderful for all those women," Jess dead-panned, her eyes revealing not even a flicker of amusement.

"Yeah, I know, right?"

"Why don't you just tell us what happened that night?"

"She texted me late, said she was going to be at that bar if I wanted to meet up. I wanted to meet her so I went. We had a drink, decent conversation, but no chemistry. I might have been a little drunk. I spilled my drink on her. She laughed and said she'd had much worse spilled on her. I could tell she wasn't interested so I moved on. No hard feelings, nothing weird. I left with someone else."

"Oh did you now, Hef? Does she have a name?"

"Uh... Sherry? No, Brandy. Yeah. I got her number around here somewhere."

He started to look through the garbage on his coffee table, spilling papers and take out containers on the floor.

"Here it is. I was with her all night."

"I'm sure you were, Casanova. Can I have that number to confirm your alibi?"

"Yeah sure, I wasn't gonna call it anyway. Nick Aleto doesn't call the girls, the girls call him."

"Do they talk in third person also?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. We'll call her and confirm, but just in case, don't leave town."

He gulped and nodded and they showed themselves to the door. Nick wasn't really a suspect, but it was nice to watch him squirm a little as they led him to believe he was. Maybe he would think twice before continuing in his current lifestyle. Or maybe it would at least make him clean his apartment.

* * *

"So back to the security tapes?" Adam groaned, making a disgusted face. "That's it, I'm moving to Guam."

"You are not running away to a tropical climate unless you take me with you," Lindsay retorted, poking his shoulder.

"I'm never going to get to be my own person again, am I?"

"Should have thought of that before you popped the question."

"I did, and I decided I was bored of me."

"And you're glad you did, right?"

"Most days."

She glanced around to make sure no one was watching before she leaned down and kissed him as deeply as they were comfortable with in a public place.

"And today?"

"Glad."

She smiled and found her own chair, sitting down next to him and taking control of the video, zooming out so she could get the best perspective on the room.

"Did you happen to see when she left the bar?"

"Yeah, it was just before three. They stopped serving at two but people stuck around for a while. Really though, why would you want to stay in a cramped bar that smells like spilled beer, bad cologne and B.O. if you can't even drink the unpleasantness away?"

"Because sometimes you don't want to go home."

"And sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name," Jo added as she breezed into the room. "Anything yet?"

"Not so far."

"I've got her phone records, but it looks like she must have left her cell at home because the last thing she did was text Nick around ten and told him to meet her at the bar at one. She probably forgot it, considering she had the muscle cream in her purse. Phone seems more important than that."

"Maybe a little. Or maybe she left it on purpose, just wanted a night to herself. Did you find anything else on her call records?"

"A few calls to her sister in the last week. Short calls though, less than five minutes. There were a lot of calls between her and another teacher at her school, but they were coordinating curriculum for the year, so that explains that. No sales calls, no burner phones. Nothing suspicious yet again."

"You talked to all her friends? No cat fights?" Adam asked, distractedly, his eyes on the video.

"Cat fights? Who do you think these women are?" Jo snickered, shaking her head.

"I dunno. Girls fight. Girls have hormones, Girls are intense. It's not entirely out of the realm of possibility."

"Are you sure you want to stick to that statement?"

"What? I'm sayin' girls are tough enough to kill. You should take that as a compliment."

"You think we need your compliments?"

"Why don't you just go ahead and let me know when I can actually win in a conversation. I'll just be quiet until then."

They ignored him and looked over the phone records again, checking off names that they'd already ruled out.

"Are either of you two gonna watch this since I don't know what I'm looking for?"

"He has a point," Lindsay sighed, sitting down next to him. "As much as I hate to admit that."

"Geez, you used to think I was somethin' special."

"I still think you are," she chuckled, winking at him. "I just don't need to say that in front of people. You might start gettin' a big head."

"Yeah whatever."

Lindsay rolled her eyes as Jo joined them, all of them taking the same security tapes from the different angles and going over them slowly, keeping their eyes on Katie in every screen but also trying to look for people that were watching her or following her. They all watched through to the end, then started back at the beginning, trading angles.

"Hey Linds, doesn't this guy look familiar to you?" Jo asked, stopping her video. "Right there."

"That's Dane, Laura's boyfriend. He said he was at home that night."

"That's right he sure did."

"Ay, that's a mite suspicious ladies," Adam mused in his best, but very terrible Irish accent.

"I think it's time for you to go home honey."

"Yeah like half an hour ago."

"Don't just make crap for dinner okay? There's chicken in the fridge and a recipe on the counter. And yes the kids like it even if they whine."

"Okay, okay. Thinkin' I can't handle my own kids," he mumbled, standing up and dropping a kiss to the top of her head. "Although that daughter of yours is becoming quite the little sass machine. I'm beginning to question paternity. She reminds me a lot of Conan O'Brien."

"Yeah, sure honey."

He smirked and left the room right before Jo burst into laughter.

"He is so weird. How do you keep a straight face?"

"Lots of practice, though I can say that there have been probably less than ten days since we've known each other that he hasn't made me die laughing."

"He's a good man."

"Yes he is. Dane on the other hand, is going to have some explaining to do."

"Oh yes. What's say we bring the young lad in bright and early tomorrow morning?"

"I think it's a plan."


	215. Chapter 215

"This is the final countdown!"

Lindsay opened one eye to look at the clock, then groaned and pulled her pillow over her head. It was way too early to have all three kids jumping on the bed.

"If you mean the final countdown to tickle punishments, you're right," Adam said, sitting up and pulling all three kids down into his lap. They squealed delightedly as he tickled and kissed them all, foiling all their attempts at escape.

"Sissy's wigglin' away!" Ben hollered while Avery managed to slide out of Adam's hands and crawl over to Lindsay.

"Away!" she giggled, burying her head under the covers. "Avery go!"

"Don't you think mama's going to tickle you too?" Lindsay asked, peeking at her daughter, chuckling at the static and stuck up hair.

"No. Mama hugs."

"No, mama tickles!"

Avery tried to get away but Lindsay was too fast and grabbed her around the waist, blowing raspberries on her stomach. She couldn't imagine still living that small apartment with three kids who were loud and crazy this early in the morning. Their neighbors would have hated them bitterly.

"Okay, now that we got that junk outta the way," Colton started, stretching his arms over his head. "It is one week until school starts. That's why me and Ben said that thing about the final countdown."

"Oh, I thought you'd raided our eighties music stash," Adam chuckled, taking Ben's grubby glasses off of him and using the sheet to wipe off the lenses.

"Gimme back my glasses daddy."

"Here, now you're not seeing in a world of fingerprints and grape jelly from yesterday."

"Oh thanks. Talkin' of grape jelly, can we have breakfast?"

"Yeah, we should get up and moving so mama and I can get to work on time."

"Why do y'all have to go to work all the time?" Colton asked with a sigh. "I like goin' to Austin and Danny's and I like when Faye comes over and takes care of us too, but I like it better when you take care of us."

"I'm sorry buddy. We have to work so we can bring home the bacon."

"I won't eat no more bacon!" Ben offered with a grin. "Then you people stay home!"

"Oh bacon!" Avery laughed, patting her stomach.

"We could all go vegan, but mama and I still need to work. So march, offspring. Time for breakfast."

The boys hopped off the bed and headed down to the kitchen while Avery snuggled into Lindsay's arms and slid her pacifier into her mouth.

"I think it's time to get rid of that binkie," Lindsay said, taking it from her.

"No mama! Mine!"

"Nope, you're too big. Binkies are for babies. Are you a baby?"

"Yes!"

"Averylin, I don't want you to have this anymore. All done."

She put the pacifier in the nightstand drawer and Avery stared at her for a few seconds before bursting into tears.

"Daddy! Daddy! Mama bad! My binkie!"

"That is not nice of you, Avery. I said no, it's time to stop with the binkie. That's how it's going to be."

She felt pretty bad about just taking it away, but they'd been trying to wean her off of it for weeks with no success and they'd decided last night to just go cold turkey with it. They'd scoured the house for all the pacifiers and were pretty sure they'd found them all, and the only one left was the one Avery went to sleep with.

"My binkie!" she hollered again, kicking her legs against the bed. "Mine!"

"Avery-"

"NO!"

"Okay, let's go downstairs and have breakfast," Lindsay suggested, figuring that ignoring the tantrum was a good first countermeasure.

"No food! Binkie!"

"Avery, you don't even use your binkie during the day. Now come on, I bet daddy has some cereal for you."

Avery kicked and screamed and even spit before Lindsay figured getting her downstairs was a lost cause.

"Okay, you can sit up here and have your tantrum. Come downstairs when you're ready to behave."

She took the pacifier back out of the drawer and walked out of the room with it, leaving Avery to wail without an audience.

"That doesn't sound like it went well," Adam noted when she came into the kitchen.

"She's stubborn. It might have been a good idea to talk to her about it first, but I think she'll be okay once she gets used to it."

"It would be harder to take her thumb away, wouldn't it?"

"Put quinine on her thumb and she'll stop sucking it quick enough!"

"Movie reference I don't know…_Gone with the wind_?"

"You do know it honey."

"You're very proud, aren't you?"

"Yes I am," she said, taking out the kitchen scissors and snipping the end off the pacifier just in case Avery dug it out of the garbage, which had happened on one of their first attempts at separation. "Hey, you wanna make me some cereal with bananas in it?"

"I would, but I saved strawberries for you instead."

Her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide with happiness.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"I could tell by the strawberries."

He laughed and kissed her, then handed her the box of cereal.

"I'm going to go shower and I'll save you some hot water."

"Thanks babe."

* * *

"You failed to mention you were at the club that night, Dane," Jo started, her voice smooth and soft. "Is there a reason you left that out?"

He swallowed and stared down at the metal table, seemingly weighing his options.

"You can't deny it, Dane. We have you on the security tapes."

"We just need to know why you were there and how you didn't see her."

"I just went out for a drink."

"That's not really a place many people fly solo. Not to mention it's a little far out of your neck of the woods."

He stalled, staring at his hands and taking deep breaths for a few moments until he could steady himself and decide what to say.

"I was there. I didn't see Katie."

"Are you sure about that? She looks exactly like your girlfriend you know. It would be hard to miss her."

"I didn't see her."

"Funny because you followed her out the door when she left. Ready to change your story?"

"I was just going to say hi to her. When I got outside she was gone."

"Oh was she? What happened to your hands, Dane?"

He flipped his hands over and studied the road rash on them, as if he had never seen it before. They were infected and puffy and Lindsay was dying to swab them to see if her hunch was correct.

"I… uh…it happened at work."

"I see. Well then you don't mind if we take a sample, do you?"

"Hey, am I under arrest here or something? You called me in here and said you just wanted to ask some follow up questions."

"These are follow up questions to you lying about the last time you saw Katie. We just want to make sure we've got everything straight."

"I saw her but I didn't talk to her okay? Can I go? I don't want to leave Laura alone for too long."

"Let me swab your hands first. If you're telling the truth then it will rule you out. How about that for a trade?"

"Fine, whatever."

They had been hoping he would crack under the pressure of the questioning or at least give himself away a little more, but at least with this swab of his hands there would be hard evidence to come back at him with. They'd noticed the abrasions the first time they'd met him but it hadn't all connected until they saw the video. The trace amounts of asphalt and other road dirt on Katie's neck didn't just appear there magically, and it was quite suspicious that they were concentrated right in the area where she'd been strangled.

"Okay Dane, you're free to go, but we would like you and Laura to stay in town so we can let you know of any new information," Jo said, standing up and opening the door for him.

"And maybe you could figure out exactly what happened that night, since you still seem to be unsure," Lindsay suggested, sealing the evidence bag.

Dane gulped and exited the room while Jo raised an eyebrow at Lindsay.

"So we're playing good cop bad cop?"

"Yeah. I thought that was clear."

"Well then the bad cop can go process that trace and the good cop is going to go out to lunch."

"Meeting Mac?"

"Yeah, he's in court today."

"I'll expect you back in no less than two hours."

Jo nodded knowingly and they left the interrogation room, going their separate ways.

"So how'd it go?" Jess asked, tossing the Nerf ball back across the room to Austin.

"If we were betting you would have just won."

"Sorry for the jinx."

"Yeah well, it won't be long if the GCMS decides to cooperate."

"How long have you two been playing that?" Flack asked as he had to walk around the Nerf tossing game to get to his desk.

"One hour. Not a record but not shabby," Austin answered.

"Well I would hate to break a record but I really can't let this hullabaloo go on any longer."

He jumped up from his desk and tried to intercept the ball, but tripped on a piece of paper and fell to the floor. He writhed there for a moment before letting out an embarrassed whimper and clutching at his shin.

"And he's out of commission," Jess sighed, standing up from her chair and going to check on him.

"Did you see his limbs all akimbo?" Austin laughed trying not to fall out of her own chair. "He looked like Mowgli."

"And his hair stayed perfectly shellacked in place."

"Hey shut up, I coulda broke a hip!"

Austin was sent into gales of laughter as Flack struggled up off the floor.

"Shuddup Grace!"

"Between that and the image of you jumping into a frozen lake, I may be laughing for the rest of my life."

"Glad I could be of service, now go get me an ice-pack."

"Does this count as an on the job injury?"

"How would you even classify that one?"

"Idiot seeks workmans comp."

"Jess! You should be on my side here."

"I am. But you're an idiot. And you stopped our game. And if you injure yourself into disability I am the one that has to work for the rest of my life. So I have very little compassion for you right now."

"Geez."

"I need to go actually do my job," Lindsay chuckled. "But thanks for the laugh, Stuntman."

"Yeah, whatever."

* * *

"Hey babe what'cha got cookin' over there?"

"Not sure yet," Lindsay replied with a yawn as Adam walked by and dropped a kiss to the top of her head. "You?"

"Various bits and bobs of trace from the Freeman case. You gonna be at the stove long?"

"Oh my word you are so weird. And just a few more minutes."

"I can deal with that. You're off on Sunday right?"

"Yes, hopefully. Why?"

"I thought we could do something special with the kids before school starts."

"Like what?"

"Pajama day maybe."

"I love pajama day. I wish every day was pajama day."

"It's a plan then. I'll find some movies."

"That sounds really good."

"You know what doesn't sound good? You popping your neck like that."

"It makes it feel better."

"Yeah and you'll regret it when you get arthritis in your spine someday."

"Popping and cracking bones has actually not been linked to arthritis."

"I hate that you know things that rebut me when I'm trying to do what's best for you."

"You need better arguments."

"I didn't know being married to you would be like every day on the debate team."

"At least being married to me doesn't get you teased every day."

"Yes it does."

"Okay, but that's only because I am so insanely smitten with you that if I didn't poke fun at you on a daily basis, I would be constantly emotionally verklempt."

"So you have to bring me down a notch in order to save your sanity?"

"It's not my fault you're so irresistible."

He chuckled and they locked eyes for a moment, both wishing they weren't at work right now.

"You gonna kiss me or what?" she asked after a while, waggling her eyebrows. He looked around to make sure no one was watching then leaned down and kissed her softly.

"I love you."

"Love you too. And I am all done with the stove, you can use it now," she said, taking everything out and printing off the reports.

"You gonna sit here and entertain me?"

"Can't. I just solved the case."

"Actually you took the evidence out in time. Machine solved the case."

"Is that your way of bringing me down a notch?"

"Yes it is."

"Okay I can deal with it. I'll see you at home later."

"Be safe."

"I will. You don't worry."

"I won't."

She gathered everything up and left the room and he sighed to himself. He always worried when she was out in the field and with the few scrapes she'd gotten into in the past he felt that was justified at least to some degree. He had nightmares of getting phone calls, racing to the hospital, finding her dead because it had just been a simple interview and she hadn't taken the necessary precautions. He dreamed that every time they were in the middle of a case, every time she was out in the field instead of in the lab with him where it was safe. He hated those dreams not because they scared him but because with one bullet they could so easily be true.

* * *

"Dane, open up, it's us again!"

Lindsay snickered at the way Jess announced them so unprofessionally but without shame. She'd never really be one to break the rules, but there were times when she couldn't be bothered with the tried and true manners of the NYPD.

There was a scuffling noise from inside the apartment and they could hear some arguing going on too.

"Dane, we've got a warrant and I don't really think you want us kicking the door down. They're not cheap to replace."

"What are you doing Dane? Just open the door!" came Laura's voice, sounding worried and confused.

"Stay out of this!"

"What did you do? What did you to do Katie?"

"Shut up!"

"Dane, you've got five seconds to open this door," Lindsay warned, grabbing for her gun. "Or we're going to kick it down. And I don't want to do that. These are new shoes."

"Look, you've got the wrong guy."

"No we don't. Open the door, it will be easier on everybody," Jo added, trying to add a level of calm.

"Dane let me go! Open the door, please!"

"This is all your fault!"

There was the sound of a scuffle and the girls didn't waste any time in kicking down the door. Laura was scrambling away from Dane who looked to be absolutely out of his mind, having covered it up to the point where it was eating him alive. There wasn't time to feel sorry for him though, as they cuffed him and placed him under arrest. Laura was crying, certain she knew what was going on, but not sure why. Jo helped her out of the apartment while Jess and Lindsay took Dane down to the squad car. He'd fallen silent and they knew they couldn't do much in the way of talking to him, so they made sure he was secure in the car before they shut him in.

"Jo, you okay takin' Laura?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. We'll meet you there."

The drive back to the precinct was long and hot and when they finally arrived, Dane asked for a glass of water and a lawyer, then refused to say a word. He couldn't afford a lawyer so they had to wait for a public defender, which was going to take a while. It was already late and the sun was setting and Lindsay glanced at her watch, figuring on at least a fourteen hour day, if not more.

"I'm going to call home while we wait. Adam's going to need some moral support."

"The Binkie Battle?" Jess asked with a chuckle.

"Yeah. And you know how loud that daughter of mine can scream."

"Yes I do. Go call. Let me know if he needs a white jacket that ties in the back. I know where to get them cheap."

Lindsay laughed and went into the hallway, calling Adam's phone and waiting as it went through his ringback tone twice before Colton picked up.

"Nerd girl I don't deserve you, I don't get the references you refer to. I like your Lipsmackers and your lack of perfume, I hope to get you home by curfew!"

She chuckled as he continued singing along with her ringtone, as if he had heard it a million times before.

"Hey buddy. Why are you answering daddy's phone?"

"Because he's trying to put Aves to bed and he told me I could answer it and talk to ya. What's goin' on?"

"I was just calling to say goodnight."

"Talk to Ben first, I need to brush my teeth."

"Okay."

"Hi mama, this is Benjamin speaking."

"Hi Ben Ry. Are you getting ready for bed?"

"I am already ready mama! I'm all snuggled in with White Teefy the Bear."

"Oh good. Did you have a good day?"

"Yep! Faye took us to the park and we played there all mornin'. Then when we came home and ate lunch and sissy throwed a fit about her nap and Faye told her that she was not allowed to act like that and sissy cried herself to sleep. And me and Cole played in the yard and I finded some flowers for ya, but that was a secret so don't remember it, okay?"

"I have no idea what you're talkin' about Ben."

"Okay. Daddy maked pesto pizza for dinner. We gobbled it all up and then we 'membered that you didn't get none and we feeled bad but daddy said you would just eat cereal anyways."

"He's probably right."

"When will ya be home mama?"

"Late."

"Will you come in and kiss my cheeks?"

"Yes I will."

"Okay. Cole is back. Night mama. I love you."

"I love you too Ben. Sleep good."

"Hey mama can you smell my minty fresh breath through the phone?"

"Colton, you sound like your daddy."

"That's what I was thinkin' when I thought of sayin' that!"

She laughed as he got into bed and snuggled himself down into his blankets. He cleared his throat and his voice dropped lower as he started in on his normal bedtime questions.

"Did you catch a bad guy today mama?"

"Yes, I did."

"What did he do?"

"He hurt someone. And he lied about it."

"Oh. But now people are safer?"

"Yeah, a little."

"That's good. I miss you mama."

"I miss you too buddy."

"I like that you call us at bedtime though. I like hearin' your voice before I go to sleep."

"Then I will work extra hard to remember to call when I can't be there."

"That's a deal," he sighed, reaching up to scratch at the mosquito bite on his forehead. "I love you a lot."

"I love you a lot too."

"I am kind of worried about going back to school."

"Why?"

"Just all the kids asking questions. When you are home next time can you and me and daddy talk about it?"

"Of course we can."

"Okay. I am about fallin' asleep."

"That's alright, I've got to get back to work. I'll call daddy in a bit."

"Night mama."

"Night Colton. Sleep good."

They hung up and rubbed her eyes, wishing she was home with her babies instead of here. She wouldn't ever want to quit her job, she just wished there were more hours in the day so she could be there for them every waking moment and still do the job she felt called to do.

* * *

"I know you love Laura, Dane and I know that you thought of Katie as your sister and you loved her too. You need to let Laura have closure. If you really love her, tell us what happened."

He sat there quietly, staring at the table and clenching and unclenching his jaw while his lawyer consulted the case notes and made if very clear that his client had nothing to do with the crime and had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"See that's where you're wrong. We have the evidence. We really don't need your confession at all. We just thought you might have an easier time at sentencing if you came clean and let us know just what happened."

"I can see that you're sweating, Dane. I know somethin' inside you is just dyin' to get out," Jo added, leaning forward in her chair.

"What is it? What happened? Come on, we all know that keeping it in isn't going to help anyone. It's going to eat you from the inside out. Are you prepared for that Dane? Day in and day out, constantly gnawing at you, there at every turn, driving you mad? Are you really ready for that?"

"Detective you would be kind to stop badgering my client."

"This isn't a court of law, sir. I can ask him any question I want. Including why he killed Katie. That swab I took of your hands? The same traces of road water were found in your abrasions as were on Katie's neck. And the muscle cream she used that night was inside the cuts as well. And when we booked you and took your handprints, they matched the small prints we already had on her skin. You put your hands around her neck and you strangled her."

"I didn't mean to!" Dane shouted suddenly. "I didn't know it was her!"

"So then who did you intend to kill?"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry."

"What happened that night, Dane? Tell us."

"One of my buddies called. Said he saw Laura at the club and I might want to come down there and see what she was doing. When I got there I saw her flirting with some guy, drinking, dancing. She told me she was at work! She lied to me. I was mad and I kept drinking and when she left, I followed her to confront her. She wouldn't stop when I called her. I chased her. I was so mad. She was cheating on me just like I thought. It was over before I knew it happened. I looked at her and it wasn't Laura. It was Katie. I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt her!"

"You didn't realize you had the wrong person until it was already done."

"I would never have hurt her. I loved Katie. I just didn't know. It was dark. I was drunk. I didn't know."

He dropped his face into his hands while his lawyer fumbled around, trying to come up with something to say to salvage this case in his favor. Simply put, there was nothing he could do. His lawyer helped him up out of his chair and out the door where he would be moved to a temporary cell before they could get him transferred to prison.

"Sometimes you don't really feel a sense of closure after a case," Jo mused, picking up the papers and putting them back in the file.

"No. There's just no winning this one, is there?"

"Now that I think about it, I don't think we ever really win."

Lindsay sighed and stood up from her chair. Jo was right, no matter how hard they worked and how many truths they uncovered, the victory was never really secured because learning the truth didn't make anything go back to how it was before. Nothing could erase the loss and for as nobly as they worked, they would probably always feel a sense of not really being done.


	216. Chapter 216

A/N: I am pretty sure that Ben is one of the best characters I have ever written.

* * *

A shrill scream from Ben ripped through the entire house effectively stopping Adam and Lindsay's conversation and making their hearts race. They both ran for the stairs wondering what in the world could have made him scream so loud and if they would be visiting the emergency room tonight.

"Do you think that's his Kevin McCallister impression or did he zip his thing again?"

They found Ben in the bathroom, standing on his little stool and leaning over the sink, his small hands gripping the sides.

"Buddy, what's the matter? What happened?"

"I'm going bald!" he shouted, tears running down his cheeks as he held up one single hair.

"What do you mean?"

"I was just combin' my hair so I could look all fancy for school tomorrow," he started, sniffling. "And then this hair falled out! Right into the sink!"

"Ben, that doesn't mean you're going bald."

"Oh yeah?" he challenged, pushing his hair back from his face. "I gots more of my forehead tonight than I did yesterday!"

"You've been making a conscious effort to check?"

"No! I just know I got more!"

Lindsay was trying so hard not to laugh, but she had to step out of the bathroom and into the hallway where she leaned against the wall and slid to the floor, her shoulders shaking at Ben's perceived mid-life crisis. She glanced into the boy's room, seeing Colton sitting up in bed, hiding his smile behind his Hardy Boys book.

"Ben, settle down. You're not going bald."

"But a hair falled out! Hairs don't just fall out! Not unless you're going bald, which I are!"

"Hey don't wig out-"

"That's not funny. I am gonna need a wig to cover up how I am baldy!"

"It's normal for some hair to fall out occasionally-"

"It's gray!" he shrieked, holding the hair up to the light. "Look at it! I am old and bald!"

"Benjamin, you need to take a deep breath and settle down."

"But daddy this is bad! I was just mindin' my own company, combin' my hair all nice and then this hair falls out, it's gray, and I'm findin' out that I actually am forty!"

Lindsay snorted with laughter and fell over onto the floor.

"And now we got a pig in the house!"

"Ben, be quiet and let me talk to you. You're not going bald. Hair falls out all the time. It's totally normal. See?"

He reached up and grabbed one of his own hairs, yanking it out.

"Then how do you 'splain how mine is gray?"

"It's not gray, it's blonde."

"But my hair is brown!"

"I know it is but you have some blonde hair in there too. Everything is just fine. Your hair isn't falling out and you're not going bald. You need to calm down and get ready for bed."

"Are you sure?"

"I wouldn't lie to you, Ben. Now brush your teeth. I need to go put your sister back to sleep."

"Okay," he sniffled, looking at the offending hair for a moment before dropping it into the trashcan.

"It's going to be okay Ben," Adam assured again, leaning down to hug him. "I promise."

"I 'spose I am just on edge because of startin' school. Don't know what to expect."

"Would you like to talk about it with me?"

"Yes daddy."

"Okay. Get ready for bed and I'll be in there in a couple minutes."

Ben nodded and got his toothbrush ready while Adam left the bathroom, helping Lindsay up from the floor and wiping her laughter tears away.

"How did we get that kid?" she asked as soon as she caught her breath.

"Pure luck. Come on, Avery woke up."

They went into Avery's room and found her awake, holding onto the bars of her crib and jumping up and down, curious about what all the noise was.

"Okay baby, time to go back to sleep."

"Mama, icky."

"Oh so you've been raising up a stink in here? Daddy smell her, make sure this isn't just a ploy for her to get out of bed."

"I'm not smellin' her."

"You either do the smellin' or the changin'."

He sighed and hesitated so long that Lindsay just pulled Avery out of the crib and brought her over to the changing table.

"Mama binkie?"

"No, we've talked about this. You're too old for that. Remember all the binkies went bye-bye and they are with little babies now."

"Mine!"

"No, not yours," Adam said, leaning down to blow a raspberry on her cheek. "Can you be daddy's big girl and sleep without it tonight?"

"No!"

"Yes. No arguments. Me and mama made a decision and that's it."

She sighed and jutted her lip out, letting a few tears flow down her cheeks as Lindsay finished with the diaper and replaced her pajamas.

"Okay, time to go back to bed."

"No mama. Hugs."

They both hugged and kissed her before tucking her into the crib where she grunted and whined until she found a comfortable position and closed her eyes. They left the room and found Ben in the bathroom still, struggling to put a shower cap on.

"Ben, what are you doing?"

"I'm puttin' this on. So my other hairs don't get no wild ideas."

"Why is my hairspray on the floor honey?" Lindsay asked, crouching down it pick up the container and finding it empty.

"I used it all up."

"Ben."

"I'm serious about this business mama. You don't know."

"Okay, but you're going to have to sleep like that."

"That's what I was plannin' on. Carry me in there daddy!"

Adam chuckled and lifted him up, zooming him into the bedroom and onto his bed.

"Now, what kind of questions do you have about preschool?"

"Will the other kids like me?"

"Of course they will. As long as you just be yourself, the kids will like you just fine."

"Cole, what do you think?"

"I think you're a cool kid Ben, even if you do look funny right now. And I think if some kids don't like you, then that's just because they are not as cool as you are."

"Really?"

"Yeah! You will be fine, Ben."

"Okay. And mama will pick me up as soon as it's all over?"

"Yes, I will be right by the door."

"But Dunner really can't come?"

"No honey, he can't."

"Okay. I think I am ready then. It will be good."

"Yes it will. How about you, Colton, how are you feeling?"

"Well," he started with a sigh. "I am sad that me and Isa have different teachers. I was lookin' forward to bein' in class together. But I think it is cool that I am in the class that is for first grade and second grade and I am glad Sarah is in there with me. I will like bein' a leader for the kids that are littler than me. And I will be happy to see all my friends again."

"Well it sounds like you boys are both going to have a good time tomorrow. Now, time for bed."

Ben waited until he and Colton were left alone, then rolled onto his side.

"Thanks for sayin' I am cool, Cole."

"You're welcome Ben. I love you."

"Love you too. Goodnight."

* * *

"Hello? Mama?"

As much as Lindsay loved the kids, she was getting tired of these early morning wake-ups, especially since the sun wasn't even up yet and the entire room was blanketed in the blue light of dawn.

A cold hand ran over her face and she opened her eyes to find Ben standing there in a wife-beater and slacks, his hair damp and his eyes wide behind his glasses.

"What's the matter, baby? Why is your hair wet?"

"Taked a bath. To get ready."

"Oh honey, it's so early."

He nodded and climbed up into the bed beside her, his dress shoes clunking against her shin.

"Could you rub my arms?" he asked sleepily.

"Sure honey."

"Ben, just rub your chest and your arms will take care of themselves. Remember?" Adam asked, his voice gravelly as he rolled over.

"No, I am not cold daddy. I am nervous. It makes me feel better when mama rubs my arms."

"Oh I see. You have fun with that, I'm going back to sleep."

"Goodnight daddy."

Lindsay yawned and gently stroked over Ben's arms while he took deep breaths and ran the satin edge of one of their blankets through his fingers.

"Mama, my tummy is real nervous."

"I know. It's okay. Once you get to school you won't be nervous anymore. And then on the next school day you'll be just fine."

"Okay. I just hope it is all I dreamed."

"What were you dreaming of?"

"Well, lots of friends, learning new stuffs, and a snack!"

"That sounds about right honey."

He nodded and raised his leg in the air.

"I'm wearin' my nice shoes. The ones what got toe brushes on them," he said, pointing at the tassels.

"I see that. I figured you would dress up for school."

"I like to dress up in my fancies. It makes me feel grown up."

"It makes you look grown up too."

"How many hours until it's time to go?"

"Four."

"That's how many ages I am. Mama, are the other kids in my class four too?"

"Yeah, they are. There might be a few kids that are three. I'm not sure."

"Okay. I think I will fall asleep now. Will you comb my hair nice and gentle when I wake up so I can make a good 'pression?"

"Yes, I will."

He gave her a little smile then cuddled closer and shut his eyes, almost instantly asleep. She wouldn't be joining him anytime soon, she much preferred just laying here and looking at him. She remembered that after he was born she'd been so much more tired than she had been with Colton and she didn't take as much time to look at his face and count his toes and memorize all his curves and bits of chub. She did remember how funny he'd looked in a diaper because his legs were so skinny and she remembered his very specific cry and how she had to clip his fingernails almost every day because they grew so much. She felt like the older he got the more things she learned about him, not just through observation but because he wasn't too shy to just say it like it was. He'd been so quiet for so long about things and then suddenly he found his voice and now he couldn't shut up if he tried. She loved that about him, the way he always said what was on his mind, even if he said "dat" and "dere" instead of "that" and "there" and the way he nodded his head when he was saying something important. She wanted to keep him just like this forever because she couldn't imagine the years and wisdom making him more enjoyable than he was now. His innocence and simplicity were the things that made him who he was and she didn't want him to ever grow out of them. The hope was that preschool would give him a little more confidence and independence, foster his intelligence and the strange way his mind worked and show him different things in the world while he was still young so he would be accepting of all different people. His trouble was that he saw the world as right and wrong with no gray area. Most of the time that was okay, but they didn't want him to ever shun someone because they believed something different than he did. They wanted him to be able to communicate well and respect people even if they didn't agree. Colton was more likely to listen, but Ben stood behind the things he believed and thought and no one could convince him otherwise. He liked to find out for himself rather than being told and this one extra year of school might make him a little more flexible in that area.

He yawned in his sleep and she kissed his forehead softly, incredibly grateful for the funny, smart, passionate little person he was turning out to be.

* * *

The house was chaos soon after breakfast with kids going in all different directions. Austin and Danny came over to drop Junior off for the day and to take Colton to school with the girls. Ben grabbed their hands and drug them inside so he could show them his fancy outfit and how he planned on walking into the classroom with his coat slung over his shoulder and his briefcase in hand. He'd insisted on a briefcase, even over the dinosaur backpack that Lindsay had offered him and nothing would change his mind. School was serious business and he needed serious tools, like a briefcase, pencils and paper, and a thermos filled with fruit punch.

"See this is how I'm gonna walk in there," he said, sashaying across the living room floor. "Because the Julie Andrews lady says we don't shlump like this."

"Oh Ben," Austin laughed, leaning down to hug him. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Austin. Do you think I look like a big preschool kid?"

"I think you do."

"I wish Dunner was comin' with me. Won't be the same now."

"It's okay. Daniel will have fun here with your mom and before you know it school will be over and you can play together."

"Okay. He isn't mad at me about it is he?"

"No he's not. He might feel a little left out, but he knows you're still his best friend no matter what."

"Good. How do you think I look uncle Danny?"

"I think you look like a goofball."

Ben laughed knowing that was a good thing coming from Danny. He wasn't the type to really give a solid compliment, so usually something silly was as good as they got.

"I got my glasses 'justed yesterday. The fit me better but the doc said I need new frames because these is small. I picked ones just like yours again!"

"If I picked out pink glasses, would you pick out pink ones?"

"No. I am smarter than to fall for that one!"

Colton laughed and shook his head as he finished getting into his jacket.

"I'm gonna go to school now Ben. Are you ready?"

"Yeah Cole, I am."

"Okay. I will see you when I get home. You have fun and do a good job."

"I will. You do that too Cole."

The boys hugged each other tightly before Colton said goodbye to Adam and Lindsay, who had a little harder time of it, and left the house. Initially they'd wanted to take him to school and walk him right into the classroom, but they'd soon decided that normal was the best way to do it and it would be easier to say goodbye here than in the classroom with everyone watching. He was brave and he would be fine, and it was important that he took this step alone.

"Hey Dunner, are you okay that I am goin' to school?" Ben asked, jumping onto the couch next to his friend.

"I'm okay."

"I wish you were comin' with me. That would be so much more funner. Like how Cole and Isa and Sarah get to go to school all together."

"Yeah. But my ma says next year when we are both five we will get to go to kindergarten. And maybe we will be in the same class Binyin!"

"That will be radical. Maybe you will be the president and I will be the mini-president."

"How come I get to be the president?"

"Because yours face is sexier than mine and everybody knows you gots to have a sexyish face to be the president."

"Oh, okay! When you come home will you teach me all the stuffs you learned?"

"Yep! It will be the plan, Dunner."

* * *

The steps up to the school seemed very steep and scary, and Ben clutched at Lindsay's hand tightly, suddenly feeling his stomach wiggle. He glanced over at Junior who gave him a reassuring smile and a pat on the shoulder as they went through the open door and down the hallway to the classroom.

"Are ya ready Binyin?"

"I'm ready, Dunner."

Junior handed the briefcase to Ben and the four of them stepped into the classroom. It was decorated brightly with paintings and posters and Ben nodded in satisfaction, remembering that it had looked just this way when he'd visited the week before. There were no other kids there yet, but that was okay, it gave him time to scope the place out a little.

"Good morning Ben. How are you doing?"

"Well hi Miss Teacher! I am good today. This is my best friend, his name is Junior but I call him Dunner. And this is my sissy what's called Avery. And you meeted my mama earlier."

"Yeah, I remember. Did you really bring a briefcase?"

"Yep. That's what daddy brings when he has to go talk in the court."

"Well it's good that you brought it to carry all your things in. Would you like to come in and find your special cubby?"

"Yes! C'mon Dunner, help me find my name! It starts with B!"

"Okay Binyin."

They found the cubby quick enough and Ben stashed his coat and briefcase inside.

"Guess this means it's time for y'all to go," he said, noticing that other kids were starting to arrive.

"Aunt Lin can we stay longer?"

"No, we have to go, but we'll be back soon. Besides, I need someone to help me make a cake for Jo's birthday. Nobody licks the spatula better than you do, guy."

"Okay," Junior agreed. "Bye Binyin. Have lots and lots of fun."

"I will," Ben said, hugging Junior. "Tell ya all about it. Now it's time to hug sissy."

He crouched down in front of Avery and placed his hand on her shoulder, taking a deep breath.

"Now sissy, you will be a big girl and not cry when you leave. But if you do I love you anyways. Hug me real quick."

She hugged him and kissed his cheek, then stood back and sniffled, taking Junior's hand and leaning against him. She didn't like to see her brothers leave and even though she didn't really understand why, she knew that she couldn't cry right now.

"Okay mama your turn. Bend down so I can hug you 'round the neck for that's your skinniest part and I gots short arms. And then you will kiss me on the part of my cheek what's the most chubbiest."

Lindsay smiled and obeyed his directions, holding him for just a little longer than she intended. It had been hard to leave Colton in kindergarten, but this was proving to be much, much harder.

"I'll see you in a few hours Ben. I love you very much."

"I love you too, mama. I will make ya proud. Don't look back."

He gave them all a final wave before they walked out the door and he rushed to the window so he could watch as they walked down the street. Junior was watching his feet as he shuffled along, his shoulders down, looking dejected. Avery was crying hysterically, her head tipped back and her face red. Ben knew they were sad to leave him and he felt sad for them but he also felt really good that they loved him and wanted to be with him so much.

He went back to the table that his teacher told him he would sit at, and smiled at the boy sitting next to him.

"Hey kid, I'm Ben! What's your name?"

"I'm Hunter. I'm scared."

"That's okay! We will be friends and now you don't gotta be scared no more because you're not alone. How is that?"

"That's good. Are you four like me?"

"Yep! What do you think we will get for a snack today?"

"We get snacks here? This is gonna be awesome!"

"I know. Preschool is the best thing ever."

* * *

"Hey guy, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked as Junior brought his juice cup back into the kitchen.

"Nothin'."

"Somethin's bothering you sweetie. C'mere and tell me about it."

He walked over to her and she lifted him onto the counter, brushing his hair back from his face.

"I just miss Binyin," he confessed.

"I do too. It's not much longer until we can go pick him up."

"Aunt Lin, do you think Binyin will find other friends than me?"

"He might find other friends Junior, but he will never, ever, ever find a best friend like you. I promise."

"Okay."

"You want to help me with this cake?"

"No, I will watch though. I like to sit on the counter like this."

"How come?"

"Cuz, you put us kids up here when you fix our owwies or check us for bein' sick or when you just want to talk to us and no other kids. It's a special spot, aunt Lin."

"Well you're a special boy."

"Do you love me a lot?"

"Yes I do."

"How come?"

"There's a lot of reasons why I love you, guy. Mostly it's because you are who you are."

"You know what?"

"What?"

"I like how our family is all together. I like that you and my ma is best friends. I like that my daddy and uncle Cupcake punch each other's shoulders and laugh. I like that all us kids are friends. I am glad I was borned to this family and not some other one that doesn't got as much love and laughin'."

"I'm glad you were too, guy. It wouldn't be the same without you."

"When I grow up, I'm gonna ride a motorcycle," he said, changing the subject. "And I will take my ma for a ride on the back like daddy does. And I will wear the black jacket like the one he wears."

"Do you want to be just like your daddy?"

"Yep! Except I will be not a policeman science guy. I will be a baseball man or a skateboarder. Or maybe a fireman person. Or a racecar dude."

She chuckled and kissed his forehead.

"You act a lot like your daddy, guy."

"Yeah except I don't tease you as much like he does."

"That's very true. If you want to go get your shoes on, I'll put this cake in the oven and we can go get Ben."

"Okay!" he agreed as she lifted him off the counter and kissed his cheek before setting him on the floor. "Hey sissy, get your shoes on!"

Avery shouted back at him from the other room and he ran through tossing her jacket to her. They were soon out the door and in the car, Junior happily humming along with the radio while Avery looked out the window and babbled to herself.

"Hey aunt Lin, sissy's got a snot bubble in her nose."

"Oh gross."

"I will pop it. There you go sissy. Better?"

"Ah, sanks Dundo."

He gave her a little smile and a nod as Lindsay parked the car in the lot and helped them to get out of their seats. Junior tugged on her hand and pulled her towards the building, so excited to see Ben that he couldn't even figure out how to push the door open. Lindsay let him struggle for a minute before she helped him and they made it to the classroom just in time.

"Binyin!"

"Dunner!"

Ben ran out of the classroom and crashed into Junior, both of them laughing through the long hug.

"It was so fun, Dunner! It was so much fun and I wished you were there!"

"I missed you! I had to play with sissy!"

"What did you and sissy do?"

"I read her a book."

"Dunner, you don't know how to read!"

"She don't know that. I don't think she liked the story much though. What did you do today?"

"Well," he started grandly, while Lindsay talked with his teacher and gathered his things. "We did lots of stuff. There is another kid in my class what's named Ben too! And my teacher said she could call us Ben B. and Ben R. but then the other kid called Ben said he would like to be called Benjamin, so that is that. And me and him are friends now and we maked a club called the Ben-Benjamin club! Also I meeted a kid called Hunter and a girl called Lillian."

"Oh. That's cool."

"Don't worry, Dunner. None of those other kids what I mentioned will be my best friend. None of them have been there for me through thick and thin."

"You sure Binyin?"

"Yep! I only gots one best friend in the world and that's a buddy called Dunner and you is the only Dunner I knowed."

"Okay Binyin. Maybe sometime I could meet the other kids and we could all play because we would have more kids for better games."

"That is a good idea. Preschool is pretty swell but it would be a lot funner with my buddy Dunner. Hey, I maked a rhyme!"

Junior laughed and clapped Ben on the back.

"You got all kinds of smarty today Binyin. Come on, let's go back to your house. Your mama maked a cake for Jo and also one for us to eat after lunch."

"Oh cool! Can we go home now mama?"

"Yeah, we can."

He handed her his briefcase, then slung his arm around Junior's shoulders as they walked out of the classroom, chattering to each other as if they'd never been apart.

"I also drawed this picture," Ben said, unrolling the piece of construction paper he'd been holding. "It is of our family. See over on this side is daddy and mama and Cole and me and sissy. And over on this side in the other house is Danny and Austin and Isa and Sarah and you Dunner! That's our whole family. And the teacher said we only have to drawed our house family but I said that all of us is a family and that's how I was gonna draw us."

"I like that picture, Binyin."

"Good 'cuz I did it for you! And also there's a dinosaur on the back so when you get bored of the family picture on your wall, you can turn it around!"

"Awesome!"

"But mostly it's for you to remember that you is my best friend and in my family. And that never changes for now you gots it on paper."

"Okay Binyin. Aunt Lin, is that what you were tryna explain to me earlier?"

"Yeah, that's it."

"Good, I get it now. Let's go Binyin!"

They held hands and ran across the parking lot to the car while Lindsay smiled and watched them. It was good to see that all the things they'd been trying to instill into the kids their whole lives were finally coming into a functioning fruition. They were definitely all doing something right.


	217. Chapter 217

"Ben, put your underwear on!" Adam hollered as he tried to get the boys ready to leave. "And don't put them on your head!"

Lindsay chuckled as she listened to the playful screaming and roughhousing downstairs. It was the end of the school week and the boys were full of energy and could not be settled down. Avery had fed off of it for a while, but had eventually worn out and joined Lindsay upstairs, watching her get dressed and put her make-up on.

"Mama, this?"

"That's lipstick honey," Lindsay answered, rescuing the small tube from curious hands and exchanging it for a blush applicator. "Here, play with this."

"Oh! Mama, this nice!" she said, rubbing it on her face. "Soft."

"Yes it is."

"Pretty on?"

"No, you don't need makeup on there. You're pretty all by yourself."

"Okay," she giggled, running the brush up and down her arm. "So nice."

"Are you going to be good for Mac and Jo tonight honey?"

"Mac Jo?"

"Yeah, you kids get to go over there for a few hours. Is that okay with you? You'll probably fall asleep over there."

"Alwite mama," she agreed with a nod, her curls bouncing.

"That's my girl."

"Mama daddy bye?"

"We are going to go out to dinner with Danny and Austin."

"Okay. Oh hi daddy!"

"Hey Tink. Did you know your brothers are crazy and have entirely too much energy to be healthy?"

"Ah daddy. Mama see?"

"Yeah, I see her. I can't keep lookin' at her or my heart might stop."

"Oh brother," Lindsay muttered, rolling her eyes. "Avery why don't you let daddy change your diaper?"

"Uh-huh daddy," Avery nodded, taking his hand. "Diaper."

"You know babe I think women wear makeup so they always have an excuse for not getting the kids ready."

"Oh no Avery, he's on to us!"

"To us!" Avery laughed, jumping up and down.

"You girls, what am I going to do with you?"

"Buy us pretty things."

"Avery, I've got to get you out of here before your mama brainwashes you."

She laughed as he galloped out the door and down the stairs into her bedroom where he changed her diaper and her shirt which had drool all over it.

"There, much better. Look at my beautiful girl," he said, kissing her cheek. "Do you know how much I love you Averylin Grace?"

"Dance, daddy!"

He swung her into his arms and they danced around the room together for a while before the boys came in.

"Are we leavin' yet daddy?" Colton asked, adjusting the blanket that was draped over the side of Avery's crib.

"In a little while," Adam replied putting Avery down. She stepped onto his feet and held her hands up, tipping her head to the side.

"Dance daddy," she requested again. He smiled and took her hands, dancing her in a circle while she looked up at him like he was her own Prince Charming.

"Hey Aves, wanna dance with me?" Colton asked, holding his hand out to her after a moment.

"Okay Coley," she said delightedly, stepping onto his feet. Ben doted on her and always played with her and told her that she was cute and he loved her. Colton didn't pay as much attention to her and she really wanted him to, so when he finally did it made her feel extra special.

"Daddy could sons dance with daddies?" Ben asked curiously, his hand on his hip.

"Sure buddy, why not?"

"I like your softy hands, Aves," Colton said seriously. "You sure are gettin' tall. I remember when you was born and you were just a tiny little baby. And now you're a grown up girl!"

"Yep!"

"I been tellin' you Cole," Ben giggled as Adam spun him around. "She's a fun kid to play with. You can tell her to do stuffs what get us in trouble and she will do them. Like stealin' cookies!"

"Yeah cookies!"

"Ben, you've been having your sister steal cookies?"

"I forgotted you were listening daddy."

"Well maybe you should think next time if that is being a good example for your sister."

"You're right daddy. Sissy, sorry for teachin' you to steal cookies from the jar. Tomorrow I will teach you how to ask for them with what's called a puppy face."

"Okay Ben!"

"Are you guys ready to go?" Lindsay asked, peeking into the room. "We're running late as usual."

"Yeah, but who was the last one ready? I believe that would be you."

"Adam, don't use logic on me."

"Danny and Austin are going to be later than we are."

"I doubt it. She just texted me and said they were ready ten minutes early and they're going to beat us there. I hate that she knows I'm competitive."

"Alright kids, let's go before mama starts shooting steam out of her ears."

"That would be so funny!" Ben laughed. "Mama, can you really do that?"

"I've never tried. I usually end up pinchin' your daddy instead."

"Watch out, she's got claws!" Adam laughed, sliding passed her and out the bedroom door. The kids hooted with laughter and followed him while Lindsay picked up the few things off the floor and turned the light off.

Jo had been begging to see the kids because she hadn't been able to spend much time with any of them recently and she missed them. The kids had been asking to see her and Mac too, so it seemed like a good excuse for the grown-ups to have dinner. Add to that the fact that the events of the last several months had finally caught up to Lindsay last night and she definitely needed to get out of the house and away from normal life for a while.

* * *

"I can't believe you guys do that," Austin muttered, chewing on an ice-cube because the waitress hadn't come back to refill their drinks.

"Do what?"

"Swap dinners. Halfway through without even discussing it, you just swapped."

"We've always done that," Lindsay said with a shrug. "You're just now noticing it?"

"Yeah. You don't find it weird at all?"

"That we share dinner? No, I don't."

"And you don't mind either Adam?"

"Nah. I get a little confused, I mean tonight she doesn't mind sharing dinner but last night she accused me of eating an entire batch of cookies then lying about it."

Danny snorted his amusement and shook his head.

"Was she really misguided in thinkin' that?"

"No because I've done it before but I would admit it if I had. She just wouldn't take no for an answer and she kept saying "Well if you didn't eat the cookies Adam where did they go?" And the kids were in bed and the dog was asleep and I didn't know where they went and then she started freaking out because maybe she'd eaten a whole dozen cookies and forgotten about it and she went to bed thinking she was crazy and needed to go to the gym and this morning she wakes up and realizes she turned the oven off but didn't take the cookies out of it first."

"Okay, laugh if you must, but who was the one doing laundry, cleaning up after dinner, letting the dog out because he's been going all over the floor, making sure the cat doesn't step in what the dog left on the floor, putting the kids to bed, doing another thing of dishes, answering the phone when your mom was feeling chatty, making three dozen cookies for Colton's bake sale and trying to pay the bills while someone else was sitting on the couch, playing video games and yelling at the screen so loud that he woke up two out of three of the aforementioned children?"

"See, I was busy playing video games, how could I have eaten the cookies? Also that was a run-on sentence."

She pursed her lips in annoyance, but couldn't stay that way for long, and burst into laughter.

"Why do I put up with you?"

"Because I'm hot."

"No, that's not why. Sorry honey."

"Oh, that was harsh. You okay there buddy? Need a drink?"

"Nah, I'm used to her insults. I'm just happy she's still payin' attention to me."

"Be more pathetic honey I dare you."

"I'm going to go weep in a corner now unless you tell me that you should have believed me when I said I didn't eat the cookies."

"I should have believed you when you said you didn't eat the cookies."

"You're very sorry and it won't happen again."

"You're pushin' it bud."

"Are you guys like this when you're alone too?" Austin chuckled, trying once again to flag down the waitress.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"You amuse yourselves, don't you?"

"Most of the time. But really we're no weirder than when you girls are together."

"I guess that's probably true," Austin admitted while Lindsay tried not to laugh, certain that some of their escapades were better kept secret from the guys.

"I've got quarters, I'm going to go use them," Adam sighed, sliding out from the booth and nodding towards the arcade.

"I'm comin' too. Air hockey rematch?"

"Sure."

The guys got up and wandered off to the arcade, from whence they were certain to come back sweaty and arguing, as they always did when they set themselves up to compete at something.

"So have you told him yet?" Austin asked, resorting to spinning her straw around in her glass.

"Told who what?"

"Told Adam about seeing his dad."

"How did you know about that?"

"Danny can't keep his mouth shut."

"Oh."

"You haven't told Adam, have you?"

"No. I'm telling him tonight though."

"Why tonight?"

"Last night was bad. I can't keep it from him anymore. The longer I ignore it the longer I'm stuck in it. I don't want to be there anymore. In a place where my kid is gone and I can't do anything about it. It's time for it to be over."

"How do you think Adam's going to do with it?"

"He's going to be pretty upset. Not really about what his dad said or even that I went without telling him but that I've kept it from him for so long."

"You thought you were protecting him."

"Kind of. I just wanted him to be okay with everything. He was finally moving on and I didn't want to hold him back."

"Keeping it from him doesn't help either one of you."

"I know, Austin. I'm going to fix it and its going to be okay. I mean, what would you want if you were in his position?"

"I have been. Danny went and let my dad have it once. He came home and told me right after it happened. It didn't make anything hurt more, Linds, all it did was make me realize how much Danny loved me."

"I know I screwed up, you don't have to tell me again."

"Linds, I don't think you were protecting him. I think you were protecting you."

"If anyone else said that to me…"

"I know, which is why I did."

"Look, I don't need you to make me feel guilty about it."

"I'm not trying to Linds. Sometimes you just need to hear things again, for that moment when you try to tell him and you chicken out."

"I hate that you know me so well."

"Hi, I'm your conscience!"

Lindsay chuckled wryly and shook her head, feeling a stress headache coming on.

"Do you think I will ever stop screwing up?"

"If you stop being human you might have a shot."

"Commencing robot status…"

"I love you Lin."

"I love you too."

"I'm not the perfect wife, you know. I'm selfish and impatient and whiny. None of us are perfect, but I think we've all learned forgiveness pretty well."

"I hope so."

"It'll be fine, Lin. He loves you and he can't stay mad at you for long, even when he tries."

"I know."

"You'll call me if it's bad?"

"I always do."

* * *

"So Ben's teacher talked to me when I picked him up today," Adam mused, twisting a strand of Lindsay's hair around his finger.

"Is he in trouble?"

"No, it was his first day doing show and tell. He didn't bring anything to show. And you know how hard it is to shut him up when he gets talking."

"Yeah. I'm worried."

"He was telling about his family and he felt it important to mention that mama and daddy wrestle at night a lot."

"No."

"Yeah. I really hope it never occurs to him one day what that actually is."

"So like he saw it or um… heard it or… what?"

"I asked him. He said that that's just what he thought we were doing when we were laughing with the door closed and why your hair is messy later."

"I am never going to be able to drop him off again."

"I don't think she's going to look at you funny. Might be a little jealous."

"Okay, we've got to get off this topic."

"Serious face have you. Weighing on your shoulders something is?"

She gave him a small smile and sat up a little, reaching over to run her fingers through his hair.

"I don't want you to be mad at me," she started, taking a deep breath. "I mean, you have every right to be mad, but I didn't do this to hurt you or to make you mad. Does that make sense?"

"It would make a lot more sense if you told me what you were getting at."

"I went to see your father."

"What?"

"The day after the trial. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

He fell silent for a moment, not meeting her eyes as he tried to take in what she'd told him. He hated that she'd waited so long to tell him and he felt like he deserved honesty right away, but he knew that she'd done it for a reason, misguided or not.

"What happened?"

"I just asked him why. He said the same things he normally does and I told him off and then I left."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to have to deal with it right then."

"You think I can't handle things?"

"No, I just didn't want you to have to."

"Why did you go?"

"I wanted him to know that I hate him."

"Babe."

"Honestly, I just thought about going and what it would feel like and what I would say and suddenly I was there, I didn't think about the why."

"Who else knows?"

"I told Danny. He told Austin. That's all."

"You told Danny?"

"You talk to Austin about things that you don't talk to me about."

"Okay, I get it."

"Are you mad at me?"

"I'm frustrated with you," he said on a sigh, taking her hand. "We always promise that we're going to be completely honest even when we don't want to be. And then something like this happens."

"You don't trust me do you?"

"I trust you babe. I really do. But it feels like you don't have much faith in me."

"I do. It's like when you wash my car for me. It's not because you think I can't do it, it's because you love me and don't want me to have to do it."

"This is a little different than washing a car, Lindsay."

"I know. I just am never sure what do to in situations like that. I want to protect you but I don't want to keep it from you and I have to decide if it's easier on you to tell you now or to tell you later. I never know what's going to be better and so I put it off and… I'm sorry honey."

"I know you are. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to start wondering what else you've kept from me."

"There's nothing. I swear. And you don't have to believe that but there really has been nothing. I don't do it to hurt you."

"I'm going to get up and go sit downstairs for a while."

"Okay."

"It's not that I'm mad at you sweetie. I just need to have some time to think about all this, okay?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know. I'll be back up in a little while."

He stood up from the bed and went down stairs while she stared at the ceiling. She was never going to be a good wife, she was always going to screw up, she would never be able to support him the way he needed. He should have fallen in love with someone else, someone who would never do things that made him leave the room or go for a walk or any of the other things that her actions had caused Adam to do all the coping things he'd done in the past. She wished that just for once she would do the right thing for him in these situations. Just one time her actions wouldn't oppose her heart and she could actually help him instead of hindering his healing process. As it stood she only seemed to keep throwing up roadblocks no matter how good her intentions were. She hated herself for that and she would never do those things again if she could just figure out what she should be doing instead.

"Mama?"

She glanced over at the door and found Avery standing there, her curly hair a mess and her nightgown falling off one shoulder.

"Baby, how did you get out of bed? Did you climb over the crib?"

"Uh-huh. Fall."

"Come on, let's put you back to bed."

"No. Mama daddy."

"You can't sleep with us tonight sweetheart."

Avery burst into sad tears and Lindsay picked her up, cuddling her close and trying to calm her. She'd probably woken up and thought it was morning and was now upset that she wouldn't be getting her morning cuddles.

"Want mama to rock you for a bit?"

"Yes."

"Sweetie, you're burning up," she sighed, checking Avery's forehead and cheeks.

"Ow mama."

"Does your belly hurt?"

Avery shrugged her shoulders and pointed at her nose, then buried her face in Lindsay's shoulder.

"Oh you're just getting a cold. Want mama to get you some medicine and rock you for a while?"

"Uh-oh. Oh no."

"What's the matter?"

The words were barely out of her mouth before Avery lurched forward and threw up all over both of them, then burst into tears.

"It's okay sweetie. It's okay. Let's go get in the tub. You're fine."

Avery kept crying as they made their way downstairs and into the bathroom where Lindsay turned on the water to fill the tub.

"Linds, what's going on?"

"Avery's sick," she answered, not looking up at him. "There's a mess on the floor in our room."

"I'll clean it up. Want me to bring you something else to wear?"

"Yeah, that'd be good."

He nodded and went back up to their room while Avery sniffled and rubbed at her eyes.

"Ewwie, mama."

"I know. It's okay. Let's get you into the tub."

Avery shivered even though the water was warm, and she didn't splash around like she normally did.

"Here's new clothes," Adam said. "And I didn't know you meant the mess was right in the doorway."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'll just throw the socks in the wash."

Lindsay nodded and changed into the clean clothes, letting him take the dirty ones down to the washer. He'd never been finicky about their children's bodily fluids and she was glad she didn't get stuck with the comforting and the clean up.

"Are you feeling better honey?"

"No."

"Do you want a drink of water?"

"No."

"Do you want cuddles?"

"No."

"Okay, do you want to stay in the tub?"

"No."

She sighed and rested her chin on the porcelain watching as Avery scooted a toy around in the water. She certainly wasn't her normal self and Lindsay suddenly realized the Avery had never been sick before. Save for a few sniffles here and there, she'd always been healthy, even moreso than the boys, so this sudden illness was a little disconcerting.

"I threw everything in the wash. Need any help in here?"

"I think we're okay."

She expected Adam to go back upstairs and go to bed, but he knelt down next to her on the bathmat, reaching over to rub her back.

"We're okay, hon. Just something else to work through."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. Now I know and I'm fine with it. We're good. We can move on."

"Okay."

"Unless there's anything else you want to tell me."

"Just that you're pretty cute."

"Thank you."

"No," she said with a little tease in her voice. "Thank you."

"Uh mama?"

"What baby?"

Avery whimpered and was sick again, right into the bathwater. She shrieked and tried to get away and Adam whisked her out of the water before it could get to her.

"This is going to be a very long night," he said with a sigh.

"And I just heard the boys wake up. Want to bet we're not going to get any sleep?"

"Bet you a back rub."

"Deal."


	218. Chapter 218

"So I just had all three kids puke on the floor at the same time. The dog decided to try and help me clean it up. How was your morning?"

"Um, no dog, but there was puke involved," Austin replied with a little chuckle. "Sarah's displaying all signs of becoming a vomitorium for the next 24 hours."

"How's Isa and Junior?"

"They seem fine. I loaded them up with those vitamins and stuff you insisted that I was going to need. They are currently fighting over who gets to ride the dog like a horse and who gets to go to the store with Danny, so I think they're good."

"I think the kids must have picked something up at school, but Avery seems the worst. She was up all night."

"Oh man. Sarah just started this morning."

"Do you want to bring her over here? Quarantine her and save the others?"

"I can't add another sick kid to your triage list."

"Yeah you can. I mean, if you're okay with it, maybe we can avoid six vomitoriums."

"I'll talk to Danny and call you back."

"Okay. I've gotta go, Ben's convinced he's about to die."

"Both ends?"

"Poor thing."

"I'll call you back in a bit."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay went into the other room where Ben was laying on the couch, his head hung over the side.

"Filled up my throw up bowl."

"Oh sweetie that's okay. Do you want a new one or do you want to have your turn in the bathroom?"

"The bathroom. I wanna lay on the floor. It's cold."

"Okay. Let me go get your brother out."

She took the bowl and went into the bathroom where Colton was laying on the floor, his head pillowed on a wadded up towel.

"Hey sweetie, can Ben have the bathroom now?"

"Yeah. I wanna watch TV."

She cleaned out the bowl and helped Colton to his feet, holding him up because he was pretty wobbly. She tucked him into the couch, then took Ben into the bathroom and got him situated with the towels. She wasn't sure what the novelty of sleeping on the bathroom floor was, but it was giving them something to smile about, so she'd take it.

"Okay, you just yell if you need me."

Ben nodded and she went back into the other room to check on Avery, who was curled up on the smaller couch, holding her blankets up to her chin and staring up at the ceiling.

"How are you feeling sweetie?"

"Daddy?"

"He went to get some ginger ale and crackers and some other stuff to make you feel better. Do you want to try some water?"

"No mama. Lap."

"Okay. But only for a few minutes, I have to start more laundry."

Avery nodded and Lindsay picked her up, careful to make her movements slow and gentle so she wouldn't upset a momentarily calm belly. Avery snuggled in happily and yawned, rubbing her eyes. She still hadn't slept and it wouldn't be long before she had no fight left in her and would hopefully sleep for several hours. They all sat quietly for quite a while, watching Nickelodeon cartoons and yawning. None of the kids had said much all morning, even Ben who was normally so full of words that it nearly burst from him. Today they were all very mellow.

"Mama!"

The cry wasn't one she'd heard before, so she carefully tucked Avery back in to the couch and went into the small bathroom where Ben was. He'd gotten sick again and there was a mess all over the floor.

"I try to get to the potty," he said. "But I not make it fast enough."

"That's okay sweetie."

"But mama, it come out my other side too. I need a bath!" he wailed forlornly.

It took everything in her not to break down and cry out of frustration too, but she cleaned him up as best she could, then helped him upstairs and into the tub.

"Mama, don't tell no one about this."

"I won't."

"Dunner don't need to know."

"He won't know. Let's get you cleaned up."

He continued to cry as she scrubbed him down and put him in clean pajamas.

"There, is that better?"

"Yeah. I would like daddy though."

"I'm not good enough?"

"You is. I just want daddy too."

"He'll be home soon. Let's go back downstairs."

He raised his arms and she lifted him up, carrying him down the stairs and trying to gauge his temperature. It was hard to determine because he'd just been in a warm bath, but he did feel better than expected.

"Mama, I threw up, but I made it to the toilet," Colton reported, looking quite happy at the news. "And Austin called your phone and she said to call her back."

"I will as soon as I clean up the bathroom."

She settled Ben onto the couch next to Colton and smirked as Avery climbed up with them, all three holding onto their plastic bowls as if they were lifelines. She couldn't help but take a picture of it, awful circumstances, but it was kind of cute anyway.

It took a long time to clean the bathroom and Adam returned home before she finished, sticking his head in the door to say something to her, then quickly backing out again.

"Don't be a chicken, Adam."

"How does it smell so bad?"

"I'm not even going to get into that. Did you get the stuff?"

"Yeah and there's a little something extra in the kitchen for you."

"Is it a Xanax?"

"Hilarious."

She finished cleaning the floor and threw all the dirty towels into the wash, setting them to a rinse cycle before she would wash them.

"Okay, I need to call Austin. Sarah's sick too."

"You offered to take her didn't you?"

"Well yeah, but only because I don't want the other kids to get sick."

"You're so nice. I doubt Sarah would be any trouble anyway. Probably make Avery feel better."

"That's what I was thinking."

"Mama! Aves threw up again!"

"Round five."

* * *

Sarah had not been in the door more than one minute before she threw up in the dead potted plant next to the door and burst into tears.

"I'm sorry auntie! Now you won't want me to stay with you!"

"Oh Sarahlove that's okay. That plant was dead and now Adam doesn't have any excuse for not throwing it out. You did me a favor."

"Okay. I am just very sick."

"I know. All the kids are sick here too."

"Ma and daddy let me decide to come here. I said I would because I don't want Isabeth and Daniel to get sick too. I don't want them to catch my germies. And if I cannot be at home I want to be here."

"Well good because we're glad you're here."

"I packed her a bunch of extra clothes just in case," Austin said, handing the backpack to Lindsay. "Are you sure about this, Linds?"

"Of course. We'll be just fine."

"Okay. If you get in over your head, give us a call and we'll come get her."

"No ma, you can't come until I am better. I don't wanna make the kids sick. Okay? Deal?"

"Okay sweetie. But if you change your mind, we can manage."

"Alright. Maybe you should go now so you don't make my germs travel home with you."

"You call me if you need me, okay baby?"

"Okay ma. Auntie will take care of me. I love you."

"I love you too, Sarah Claire."

After a few more minutes of hesitation Austin left the house and Sarah took Lindsay's hand.

"Auntie, my tummy really hurts a lot. I didn't want to worry my ma. I need to go lay down."

"I thought you might. Let's get you situated on the couch and I'll get Adam to clean up that plant."

"I'm very sorry."

"It's okay honey. Here, you can share a couch with Avery."

Sarah climbed in under the blanket and sighed, looking down at the plastic bowl on the floor.

"What's that?"

"That's in case you need to be sick and you can't get to the bathroom."

"Oh, I always get to the bathroom," Sarah assured. "But just in case."

Lindsay smiled and checked on Avery, who'd been snoozing on and off since her last use of the bowl. Her fever was still raging and the cool cloth on her forehead needed to be changed.

"Hey Sarah," Colton said softly, sitting up a little. "Remember how Logan got sick at school and then he had to stay home for a lot of days? Maybe we caught his germs."

"Yeah I bet so. Because he shared my pencil. And he's a pencil biter. So he got spit on there."

"Yeah. And I played Wall-Ball with him and we high fived."

"I guess that's how we got sick, huh Colton Matthew?"

"Yep."

Lindsay smiled and went into the bathroom to freshen up Avery's cool cloth, then returned to place it on her little forehead.

"Hi mama."

"Hi sweetie."

"Water?"

"No, you need to wait a little bit before we try again."

"Oh. Hi Sayuh!"

"Hi Averylin. Your cheeks are very red."

Avery reached up and touched her cheeks, then crinkled her nose.

"Hot."

"You still look cute with red cheeks," Colton commented, changing the channel. "And Sarah you look pretty too, even if your eyes are watery."

"Thank you Colton Matthew," she whispered shyly, her eyes drifting down to the blanket. Ever since they'd been placed in the same first and second grade class they'd been finding out that they had a lot in common. She'd been calling him by his whole name mostly because she liked to be formal but also because no one else called him that and she felt like it made their friendship a little more special and quite honestly, she liked sharing something with him that Isa didn't. She didn't want to steal her sisters best friend by any means, but this made her feel important too.

"Maybe we should just wrap you in plastic for the rest of the day, huh Ben?" Adam asked as he carried Ben down the stairs, having just had to change his clothes once again.

"That would be a silly idea, daddy. I think I got all the throw up and other stuff out of me. Hi Sarah."

"Hi Benjamin. How does your tummy feel? Hurts?"

"Comes and goes," he said bravely, pulling the blanket around himself. "Dunner's not sick?"

"No, Daniel and Isabeth are both okay."

"That's good. But sad that you are throwin' up too. Did you bring extra clothes? This is my number four jammies today."

"Oh no. I make sure to throw up in the toilet."

"That's good Sarah," Ben said with a nod. "I are not so fortunate."

"Yeah and neither are mama and I," Adam said, leaning down to kiss Sarah's cheek. "Hi sweetheart. How are you doin'?"

"I'm okay. Your beard feels scratchy on my face."

"Imagine how it feels on mine."

She gave him a little smile and pulled the blankets high around her. Her heart wanted to be at home with her family, but she was very afraid of making them sick, so her mind comforted her with the fact that she could be here with her second family who loved her very much.

* * *

"Do you think they might all sleep for a few minutes?" Lindsay whispered, retrieving Avery's stuffed animal off the floor and tucking it under the quilt with her. "I need to eat something very soon."

"I concur, even if the idea of food seems abhorrent right now."

They went into the kitchen and fumbled around quietly, putting together sandwiches and taking them to the table where they sat and ate, holding hands and not saying much. They were both exhausted, having not slept all night long after being up fairly early the day before. They could have taken the time to get some sleep now but they both knew that they would be so out of it that they might not hear it if the kids needed them.

"I'm glad you're home today," Lindsay said after a moment.

"I'm glad you're home too. We make a pretty good team."

"Like a smelly bucket brigade."

He smiled and tugged on her hand until she stood up and moved into his lap.

"I'm sorry about last night," he said, running his hand up and down her back.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because sometimes I listen to your words and ignore your heart. I shouldn't have done that."

"Adam…"

"I should know by now that you only have good intentions."

"You don't trust me."

"Yes I do. I think I'm just afraid of those good intentions backfiring. I'm going to have to stop being afraid at some point."

"You're getting there," she said, leaning into him and closing her eyes.

"I wouldn't be at all without you. You've made me better Linds. Always."

"Like you said, we make a good team."

"I wouldn't want to clean up puke with anyone else."

"Call Hallmark, we've got a Valentines day winner."

"I love you baby."

"I love you too. I might love sleep almost as much right now."

"I think we can both smush down into the recliner like we used to do."

"I liked us pre-kids."

"Me too."

They stood up from the table and went into the other room, checking the kids once more before they curled up into the recliner together.

"Can I tell you something Adam?"

"I thought you said you didn't have any more secrets."

"It wasn't a secret. Just something I never told you."

"Okay, what's that?"

"I used to dream about you."

"When?"

"Before we were dating. I would have dreams about us just like this. I always woke up so happy. But I thought that if I dreamed about it, it couldn't come true. So I tried to not think about it so I wouldn't dream it. I didn't realize until just now how much I wanted this even back then. I don't think I even understood it."

"Did you stop dreaming it?"

"Not until I was living it. And no, I don't care how cheesy that was."

He chuckled and ran his fingers through her hair wondering for the millionth time how he got so lucky.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. Even if your kids seem to have an endless supply of puke."

"My kids? Excuse me?"

"You're a boy so you are gross, so the kids are yours when they're doing something gross. A to B to C."

"I can't even argue with that."

"Mission accomplished."

"Go to sleep. You're much less trouble when you're sleeping."

"Haven't I been saying that to you for years?"

"Yes. Close your eyes. And your mouth."

She winked three times, their own Morse-code "I love you," then closed her eyes and settled against him, taking advantage of the few moments of quiet and peace.

* * *

"Hey Sarah," Colton greeted, coming into Avery's room and finding Sarah tucked into the bed. "Did you get to talk to your ma on the phone?"

"Yes. Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

"Yeah but I wanted to come and check on ya. Because I didn't get to say goodnight."

"Oh."

He knelt next to the bed and pressed his cheek to the mattress, just like he'd seen Adam do so many times when he wanted to talk to Lindsay while she was still in bed.

"Are you feeling better Sarah?"

"No. My tummy hurts still."

"Mine too. Are you sad that you're not at home?"

"No, I'm okay."

He smiled and patted her shoulder.

"You know what?"

"Hmm?"

"I love Isa a lot. She's my best friend. I love you a lot too. I like how you are different than Isa. How you are calm. Sometimes keepin' up with her makes me tired. I like that you are always sweet."

"Thank you, Colton Matthew."

"You're welcome. Can I think of a nickname for you?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know yet. I'll think of somethin' and let you know."

"Okay. I need to vomit."

"I will hold your hair back."

He helped her from the bed and into the bathroom where he held her hair as promised and rubbed her back, while she threw up in a way that could only be described as dainty.

"Here, have a new cup to swish your mouth out."

She nodded and took the paper cup, rinsing her mouth before rubbing at her eyes.

"I don't remember what it feels like to be not sick," she said with a little sigh.

"Me neither. I feel a little better than I did before. I will help you back to bed. I could even sit by you until you fall asleep."

"Okay. I would like that."

They went back into the bedroom and she climbed under the covers while he sat down on the floor, shivering from the fever. She sat up and handed him one of the extra blankets from the end of the bed and he smiled in gratitude.

"Thanks Sarah."

"You're welcome. I'm wonderin' something."

"What are you wonderin'?"

"Just how come you are being so gentle to me?"

"Because you're sick. I want to take care of you. That's what friends do. And I am practicing to be a doctor too."

"Oh."

"What do you want to be when you grow up, Sarah?"

"I don't know. I think I would like to have a fun job. I would also like to be a mommy. I would like to have a nice home and a smile always on my face. How do you want to be, 'sides being a doctor?"

"I want to have a happy house. I want to have a wife that I love as much as daddy loves mama. I want to have children and teach them to help people. And when I die I want the world to remember me as someone that did a lot of good."

"That's very noble."

"What's noble mean?"

"Um, it means like… you know how Papaw Mac always does the rightest things? And he is wise. It means havin' high goals for yourself."

"Oh. You are like that too."

"I try to be," she said with a yawn. "I think I need to go to sleep now. I have a headache."

"I'll stay right here until you are all the way asleep. I will even hold your hand so you know I'm not goin' nowhere."

She smiled and he held her hand, waiting until he was certain she was asleep before standing up and planting a kiss on her cheek and going back into his own room.

"Cole? Where was you at?" Ben asked tiredly.

"I was sayin' goodnight to Sarah."

"Do you got a crush on her or somethin'?"

"No. She's just Sarah and I love her. We don't have no other Sarah do we?"

"No, guess not."

"I just think she should feel special, that's all."

"What about Isa?"

"Isa don't need to be telled she's special, Ben. She makes herself special and she knows it. Sarah is another story."

"Sarah's a story?"

"Don't you know? All girls is stories. They are like real big books. And you can't just read the back of it and 'spect to know them. You have to take time to read every page. You have to treat them good. And just maybe they will let you have a part in their story. That's what daddy told me."

"Wow, that's cool. I didn't know girls was stories. Is sissy a story?"

"Yeah, but her story don't got many plot twists yet. Mostly it's just about eating and yelling right now."

"Oh. So mama and Austin and Jo-Jo are long stories huh? Because they are old?"

"Yeah, I bet so."

"I'm glad to learn this, Cole. Thanks for sharin'."

"You're welcome Ben. Goodnight."


	219. Chapter 219

Morning broke much too early with all four kids still sick and feverish. They hadn't eaten very much so cleaning up after them wasn't as unpleasant as it had been the day before, but they were going to have to get some kind of nourishment soon. Sarah had been announcing everyone's trips to the bathroom and the most commonly heard phrase of the morning was "Averylin vomited." It wasn't that she was shocked or trying to embarrass anyone as much as she didn't want the mess to be left too long because it made her want to throw up too. Colton kept steering her away from it but she couldn't help glancing over her shoulder every time.

There had been talks of taking Avery to the doctor because she could barely keep water down, but because her fever was nearly gone, they were sure the nausea was going to end soon. She seemed to be in high spirits though so it was possible she was getting sick just for the attention.

"Sarah would you like to watch a movie with me?" Colton asked as he knelt on the floor by the TV, looking for a movie.

"Okay," she agreed from her spot on the couch. She was feeling a little sad about not being at home but Colton was doing a good job distracting her and making her feel better.

"Here, this is _The Princess Bride_. You ever seen this one before?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It is the best movie when you are sick," he said, sitting down on the loveseat with her and handing her a large bowl. "How's your tummy feelin'?"

"A little rumbly. I didn't throw up my water though."

"That's good. I didn't either."

"I think your daddy is tired," she said with a little smile. "He was sleepin' with his head on the table earlier."

"Yeah. Ben waked up a lot last night."

She nodded and they watched the movie for a while until Lindsay came in to check on them.

"You guys need anything?"

"Could I please have something to eat?" Colton asked hopefully. "I haven't thrown up in an hour."

"We can try some crackers. How about you Sarah?"

"No thank you."

"Are you sure sweetie?"

"Yeah."

"Do you want to call your mommy?"

"If it's not too much trouble."

"Oh sweetie of course it's not. Here, dial the number two and the star."

Sarah nodded and was soon talking to Austin happily while Colton paused the movie so she wouldn't miss anything.

"Hey mama?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Are we ever going to get better?"

"You'll be better very soon."

"When we get better could we still keep Sarah? I like havin' her here."

"I don't know, buddy. What will we give Danny and Austin in return?"

"Aves. And some money maybe because she eats so much."

"You want to get rid of your sister?"

"No, guess not."

"I like having Sarah here too, but we can't keep her."

"Maybe someday our whole family could move into one house."

"As much as I love that idea I don't think it would work too well."

"Because we don't have enough bathrooms, huh?"

"Yes, that's exactly why."

"Okay then. Maybe we will just have to do another vacation."

"That's a good idea."

"Hey guys, I'm wearing jammies what are too small for me!" Ben announced, coming into the room in his Robin pajamas that fit him when he was two. Now the pants stopped midway down his calves and the shirt was so tight he looked like Hulk.

"Honey, where did you find those?"

"In my drawer, in the backy-back. Daddy finded them because I am out of jammies for I keep messin' them up."

"I see. Well as long as you're comfortable."

"Yeah. Daddy's just finishin' up sissy's bath. She splashed him real big and he has to change his shirt. You gonna have lotsa clothes to wash."

"Yeah, I will. Can I get anything for you?"

"I wish I could go outside," he said with a sigh, climbing onto the couch. "Could I go breathe the air?"

"Maybe in a little while. It's still chilly outside but once it warms up you can go out."

"Okay mama."

He snuggled down into the blankets and rolled over so he could go back to sleep.

"Okay, if no one else needs a bath, I am going to go change," Adam said, handing Avery to Lindsay. "Can you hold the fort down?"

"I think I'll be okay."

He nodded and leaned down to kiss her, then went back upstairs.

"Uncle Adam has very funny hair in the morning," Sarah was saying. "And Auntie kisses him anyway. Yep, she even loves him with messy hair, Is. I need to throw up in a minute. I will call you later. Bye."

She handed the phone to Lindsay then carefully got up from the couch and went into the bathroom.

"She sure is polite about it, isn't she mama?" Colton asked with a half smile. "Nothin' like the rest of the Messers."

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"Nope, not quite."

* * *

At lunchtime all the kids were allowed to eat a little bit of bread and chicken soup, except for Avery who had just been able to keep water down and was more interested in throwing food than she was in eating it. Then it was upstairs for naps, which the boys protested. They were feeling much better now and wanted to go spend some time outside, but Lindsay compromised and let them sleep with their window open. They begged her to read them a chapter from their book and she finally gave in, sitting on the floor between them and letting herself get lost in the fantastical world of Mossflower and Redwall Abbey and all the creatures that inhabited the world. Soon the boys were snoring and she had to tear herself away from the book.

Adam had been charged with putting the girls to sleep and as she walked into the hallway she could hear a quiet conversation between Adam and Sarah. She couldn't make out what they were saying but there were a few giggles as the rocking chair moved back and forth against the wood floor. She peeked in the door and watched them for a while, not wanting to be seen. Sarah looked very comfortable wrapped in a blanket and settled into Adam's lap while he stroked her hair back from her face and talked to her in a soft tone. Her eyelids were getting heavier and heavier and in a few minutes she was asleep and he stood up, tucking her into the bed. He stooped down to kiss her cheek, then walked away, slightly startled to see Lindsay there watching him.

"What?"

"Nothing. What would you rather do, more laundry or take a nap?"

"How 'bout we bring the laundry upstairs and fold it and then we can take a nap."

"This is what happens when I leave it to you to make decisions," she said with an amused sigh. "Okay, we'll do your idea."

"Are you going to make me feel bad about it?"

"No. Go get the laundry. I'll be waiting."

He smirked and went downstairs while she went up and made the bed so there would be somewhere to put the laundry. She needed to sweep all the floors in the house, but she never got around to it because they didn't look as messy as they would if they were carpeted. Everything needed to be dusted too, but every time she dusted Ben and Adam sneezed for days so she had to come up with another way to do that.

"I think we're running out of laundry baskets," Adam said, dropping everything onto the bed. "Geez."

Lindsay chuckled and began to sort the clothes back into baskets so they could work on one thing at a time, which seemed to make it go faster.

"Folding laundry used to take us like twenty minutes for a whole week. Then with each kid it seemed to take about an extra half hour. I thought that was bad enough. Then they got sick and you decided to wash their sheets too."

"What can I say, I like the smell of Tide."

He chuckled and threw a towel at her, which she batted away with a smile.

"So what should we do for Christmas this year?"

"You're already thinking about Christmas?"

"It's my favorite holiday. It's like being a kid again."

"Adam you're like a kid again every day."

"Yeah, but on Christmas you can't mock me for it."

"I still will. So what were you thinking of?"

He pulled in a deep breath and folded one of Colton's shirts before he spoke.

"I was thinking that the kids birthdays are all really close to Christmas and maybe we should make their birthdays a little more low-key."

"Like how?"

"That's why I'm bringing this up to you. I was thinking that we could do something special, but I don't want to just give them whatever they want or make them think that they're royalty on their birthday. I want to do something as a family that will show them the things we've been trying to teach them."

"It's a good thought."

"I figured those three things we always tell each other we want to teach the kids, we never really tell them. At least not outright. Maybe it's time to start talking about it."

"Love people, be a giver, do your best," she said softly, wondering where he was going with this.

"Why not put that into action? I was thinking that especially at Christmas time there are always food banks and soup kitchens that need help. There's toy donations and all sorts of things we can all do together to teach the kids what those three things mean. What do you think?"

"It's a good idea and we should do it."

"But?"

"No buts. I do think it would be a good idea if we did it more than just once a year."

"I agree. I'll start looking at specifics once we're all back to normal around here. And once the computer has dried out from Colton's gigantic glass of water spilling on it of course."

"Of course," she said with a little grin.

They continued to fold laundry, talking about nothing important but sharing a very significant moment all the same. Eventually everything was folded or hung up and put away and they both stretched out on the bed, letting their bodies rest for just a while.

"Do you realize we're laying on the wrong sides of the bed again?"

She turned to him with a smile, one that went all the way to her eyes.

"Not wrong, just different."

"Yeah," he agreed softly, turning on his side to hold her. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He was about to say something else when a small voice came over the baby monitor, speaking quickly and sounding much like a distress call.

"Um, excuse me but Averylin vomited," Sarah announced, sounding unsure if what she was saying would get to them. "Help!"

"I guess we'd better go down there," Adam sighed, not moving.

"Too bad it's your turn."

"Curses," he muttered, standing up and going downstairs. Avery was sitting up in the crib, blinking slowly and looking down at the mess she'd made. She was trying to cry but only managed a few sniffles as he stripped her shirt off and picked her up.

"It's okay Tink. I think we'll take you to the doctor and you'll be all better."

She glanced up at him and lifted her hand to pat his face, then seemed to wither in his arms.

"I would like to go to the doctor with you and Averylin," Sarah said hopefully. "I would like to hold her hand and say to her that it will be okay if she is scared."

"I appreciate that sweetheart, but we'll have to ask Lindsay what she thinks."

"Okay. I just want Averylin to feel better."

"I do too."

* * *

In the end Avery made the decision for them, crying her little heart out until Sarah was allowed to go with them to the doctor's office. Lindsay stayed home with the boys who were concerned about their little sister, but much too tired to be actively worrying about her. Lindsay let them go outside for a little while, and they walked around the backyard, gathering rocks and twigs for some game they were playing that she didn't understand. After a while she called them back in, noticing that they looked a little better than when she'd sent them out.

"You boys need another rest now?" she asked as they both headed for the couch. She was definitely going to have to clean the thing when this whole sick stint was over.

"Yeah. We decided to play cards," Colton said with a nod. "You want to play with us mama?"

"I would love to, but I've got to finish up some more laundry. Can I take a rain check?"

"Yeah, that would be fine. Right Ben?"

"Mama always cash in her rain checks," Ben agreed with a nod. "Go Fish Cole?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

Lindsay left them to their game and went into the utility room, gathering what was hopefully the last of the major laundry out of the washer and throwing it in the dryer. They'd gone through half a jug of detergent and she was sure their water bill was going to be astronomical when all the baths and toilet flushes were added in. It was bad enough to have one sick kid and no matter how agreeable they all were, having four kids throwing up at every turn was possibly more exhausting than having a newborn.

The phone was ringing when she came out of the room and even though she didn't feel she had the energy to talk to anyone, she answered it anyway.

"You've reached the Ross Hospital Recovery Ward," she greeted when she saw it was Austin calling. "Press one to hear the latest on number of puke sessions today."

"They're still all going?"

"No, the big kids are well on their way to normal. Avery on the other hand…"

"Poor baby."

"Adam took her to the doctor. Sarah went with them; the girls seem to be inseparable."

"I thought that might happen. You know Lin, if you and I ever hate each other we won't be able to be out of each other's lives."

"They say love will keep us together but I think it's going to be our demanding children."

"I agree. Do you want us to come pick Sarah up tonight?"

"No, I'd rather keep her forever."

"This house is insane when she's gone. I never realized the balance she brings to the Hurricanes Isabeth and Daniel."

"You can come get her if you want, I'm just worried she's still contagious."

"Maybe we'll wait until morning and see what she thinks. How are you and Adam doing?"

"You know how when people go through a really trying time in their lives, it brings them closer together?"

"Yeah."

"This is one of those times. Which I kind of feel weird about, seeing as how we're flirting over puke piles and dirty laundry."

"Have I told you lately how ardently I admire and love you?"

"Yes. But I never tire of hearing about your admiration."

"Well you're super mom."

"My special power must be sarcasm."

"Yes and mine is striking beauty, which renders my foes speechless, giving me ample time to disarm them."

"Austin Grace Messer if you weren't in my life I think I would go stark raving loony."

"I'm glad I'm of some use."

"Always."

Austin chuckled, knowing that the sentiments might have been veiled behind humor, but that didn't mean the power of them was lost.

"Call me back when Adam and the girls get home or I'll be worried about your little butterball all day."

"I will. Talk to you later."

There was a short pause before they hung up the phone and Lindsay sighed, surveying the mess that the living room had become.

"Are you boys feeling up to helping me clean?"

They both looked back at her with the blank expressions they'd learned from Adam and she rolled her eyes.

"Can you at least fold the blankets you're not using?"

"We were gonna use them to make a fort," Colton said, having just thought of the idea and realizing that it might get him out of folding blankets.

"That would be great if you would fold them up until you're able to make a fort, okay?"

They got off the couch and worked together to fold up the blankets, making a neat pile on the floor by the couch while Lindsay cleaned up cups and napkins and other miscellaneous things that had accumulated in the room over the last two days. Even laying on the couch for hours on end, it was amazing what a mess kids could make. After a while everything was neat and tidy and she felt like there was a light at the end of the stomach flu tunnel.

"Hey, daddy and the girls are back!" Colton announced, looking out the window. "I hope Aves is okay."

"Me too," Ben said with a nod. "I not like how sissy is so sicker than us."

"Yeah I don't either. Because she doesn't talk much so she can't tell us how she feels."

"Poor baby," Ben sighed, shaking his head as the door opened.

"Mama," Avery said, rubbing her eyes. "My mama."

"Are you feeling any better sweetie?"

"Belly."

"Your belly hurts?"

She nodded and reached for Lindsay while Sarah fidgeted anxiously, trying to get her coat off.

"The doctor said she's not dehydrated yet and we should give her some of that electrolyte stuff instead of water," Adam reported, rubbing his daughters back.

"Okay. I think I have some of the popsicle ones. You want a popsicle baby?"

"Yes," Avery said with a nod.

"Auntie, Averylin did not like the doctor but she was very brave. I held her hand while he took her temperature. She did not like to have her shirt off in front of a stranger."

"That's funny 'cuz she sure does like to take her clothes off all other times," Colton said with a little laugh.

"Thanks for coming with us, Sarah. I think Avery really appreciated it," Adam said, crouching down to hug her.

"I was glad to help," she confirmed while he took her jacket off of her. "Averylin do you want to come and sit with me?"

"No Sayuh. My mama."

"Okay. I will sit here by the boys."

"Alright Avery let's go get you a popsicle and see how that goes," Lindsay suggested, walking her into the kitchen. "Do you want to try a strawberry one?"

"Uh-huh," Avery said with a nod, perking up at the idea of a treat. "Mama have?"

"No, I'm not going to have one," Lindsay answered, pulling the popsicles out of the freezer and tearing the top off. Avery licked at it hesitantly for a moment before deciding that it was good to eat and giving an approving nod. They went back out to the other room where the kids were nestled into the couch together watching _Dennis the Menace_ and commenting on how they liked to spend their summer vacation. Lindsay and Avery settled down next to Adam on the other couch and Avery offered him her popsicle too.

"No thanks Tink. That's just for you."

"Docta?" she asked, raising one eyebrow.

"If you get better we won't have to go back to the doctor, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

She settled herself in between them while Adam glanced over at Lindsay and gave her a little smile.

"What?"

"I don't know how you manage to look this beautiful when you're sleep deprived."

"Because I don't."

"Yes you do," he argued, reaching over to brush her wavy, air-dried hair back from her face. "You are beautiful and you are also not allowed to rebut me."

"Well alright then."

He smiled and pulled her a little closer, dropping a kiss to her forehead.

"Thanks for bein' my wife babe."

"Thanks for puttin' up with me."

"No problem."

* * *

"Well Sarah, I am glad you are well," Colton said as he zipped Sarah's backpack up and handed it to her. "But I am kind of sad you're not going to stay with us anymore."

"I will miss being roommates with Averylin. She does not sleep loud like Isa does."

"Yeah. It will be good for life to get back to normal around these parts you know."

"Yeah. I will see you soon at school."

"Okay Sarah. Have a good sleep tonight. I love you for all the days."

They hugged each other tightly, cementing their new-found friendship before Sarah went to say goodbye to Ben and Avery.

"Hey bud can I ask you a question?" Austin asked, ruffling his hair.

"Sure. What's up?"

"How come you say all the days instead of forever?"

"Because daddy says that's what forever is. All the days before and all the days after. Every single day. And I figure that there are always days, even when you fight with someone or stop bein' friends for a while. All the days means that I love someone all the time no matter what."

"Well then Colton, I love you for all the days."

He grinned as she hugged him tightly, then locked her pinkie with his.

"Thanks for being so nice to Sarah these last few days."

"It was my pleasure. I think she will be happy to sleep in her own bed."

"I think so. Come on Sarah Claire, time to go home."

Sarah skipped over and with one more goodbye, they were out the door.

"Alright Ross clones, time for bed."

"But mama-"

"No buts. March."

With no more arguing all three kids went upstairs where Adam already had their pajamas laid out. Lindsay dressed Avery and rocked with her for a while before tucking her into bed and joining the boys, listening as Adam finished up another chapter in their book. The kids were tired and barely able to keep their eyes open and it wasn't long before they were both in a deep sleep.

"I think I am going to take their cues and head to bed myself," Adam said, standing up from the floor and rubbing his eyes.

"Me too. I feel like sleeping for about three days."

He held his hand out for her and they made their way upstairs, changing their clothes and climbing into bed quietly.

"Okay so hopefully that won't happen again."

"I'd rather have them all sick at once than have it spread out over the course of a few weeks."

"I gotta hand it to you, babe. You didn't gag once cleaning up all that puke."

"You didn't either, Adam."

"But you cleaned up a lot more than I did so your chances were higher."

"Oh I see. I'm pretty proud of us for not arguing that entire time."

"We're pretty awesome," he agreed, leaning over to kiss her cheek.

"Hey honey?" she asked after a moment of silence. "I have some bad news."

"What's that?"

"I am pretty sure I am going to need to throw up soon."

He sighed, wanting to laugh.

"Well babe, I guess it is only common courtesy for me to just get in line behind you."


	220. Chapter 220

"But I don't know where my homework is!" Colton whined, holding up his backpack. "I finished it! Can't you just write a note to my teacher, daddy?"

"Hold on just a second, mom," Adam sighed, moving the phone away from his mouth. "Son, go look in your room on your desk again. If it's not there and it's not in your backpack where it's supposed to go, then you have to deal with the consequences of that."

"But daddy!"

"Go look. See if Ben knows where it is."

Colton stomped off upstairs while Adam tried to get the oatmeal out of Avery's hair.

"Okay, sorry about that mom. Lindsay's on third shift this week and mornings are crazy without her."

"That's alright. You seem to be holding your own."

"I do my best."

"You're a good dad."

"Mostly I believe that, but occasionally I wonder what the heck I've gotten myself into. Avery don't pour your milk on the floor!"

The laughter that came through the phone just made him shake his head and feel comforted in the fact that his mom had probably gone through these same things with him at one point or another.

"When does Lindsay get home?"

"Soon I hope."

"How do you guys sleep when you're on third shift and the other is at work and you have to take care of the kids?"

"Not much," he answered. "And time together? Forget about it."

"You get irritable when she's gone."

"Yes I do."

"Why don't you call me later when you're not being pulled in five different directions."

"I'll call you after the kids go to bed tonight."

"Okay honey. I love you."

"Love you too."

The hung up the phone and he tried to push out of his mind the beginning of their conversation. It had been about his father and he really didn't want to think about it anymore, especially when he wasn't in that great of a mood to begin with. He turned around to clean up the rest of the breakfast dishes when he saw a puddle of milk on the floor with Avery's sippy cup next to it and his daughter nowhere to be found.

"Averylin Grace Ross!" he hollered, going over to look behind the couch where she usually hid when she'd done something wrong. She was sitting back there crying with her hands over her face. For a moment he felt bad about yelling but just because she was crying didn't mean she'd learned her lesson. He picked her up and took her back into the kitchen, giving her a handful of paper towels.

"You need to clean up your mess and then you are going to have two minutes on the step for disobeying."

Her face crumpled and she cried harder, asking for her mama in the false hope that she could pit her parents against each other.

"You can be sad but that doesn't mean you don't get a consequence. Clean up your mess."

She sniffled and wiped the paper towel through the milk, actually doing a decent job of getting most of it off the floor. Adam hadn't expected perfection, just a lesson in obedience, so after a moment he helped her finish then took her over to the stairs to sit for two minutes. She crossed her arms and gave him the most pleading look she could muster, but she knew that her parents did not budge on giving consequences. Resigned to her fate, she sat on the step while Adam went back in the other room to try to finish cleaning up once more.

"Daddy I can't find it!" Colton announced, stomping his foot in frustration. "And Ben won't help me look!"

"I never said Ben had to help you look," Adam said, getting more frustrated with his firstborn than he'd ever been. "You made bad decisions yesterday and now you have to deal with it today. I'm sorry it happened this way-"

"Daddy, I did my homework!"

"Yes, you did. But not when I asked you to get it done. You sat in your room and played until it was almost time for bed and then you decided to do your homework. You are the one that didn't put it back where it goes when you were done and you have no right to be angry at me for it. Now, I need to go talk to Avery and then I will come up there and help you look one more time."

"Fine," Colton sighed, crossing his arms and going back upstairs. He must have stomped too hard on the step Avery was sitting on because she roared at him and tried to slap at his leg as he passed.

"Avery, we don't hit in this house," Adam warned crouching down to get at her eye level.

"No," she agreed, hanging her head.

"Do you know why you have to sit on the step?"

"Milk," she answered. "Floor."

"Right. After I told you not to do that."

She nodded sadly and he reached out to hold her little hand.

"When mama or I tell you to do something, what should you do?"

"Obey."

"That's right. Will you obey me next time I tell you something?"

"Yes. Sorry."

"I forgive you sweetheart," he said picking her up and holding her close. "I love you Averylin."

"Love daddy."

He hated doling out consequences to the kids but he knew it was effective, even with Avery who some might argue was too young for something like this. They'd been using less and less warnings to correct her behavior and as a result the temper tantrums she'd been throwing were becoming rarer.

"Do you want to go play in your room until mama comes home?"

She nodded and gave him a huge smile as they started up the stairs.

"Puppies, daddy."

"You're going to play puppies?"

"Yes."

He took her to her room and watched her for a minute while she scattered her stuffed animals all around the room and started to bark, even though she didn't get down on all fours like a real dog.

"Okay Colton, I can help you look now."

"It's no use, daddy! It's just gone! Flew out the window or something. I will now fail second grade and have to do it again. And it's all my own fault."

"Maybe you could be in preschool with me!" Ben suggested from his spot on the floor where he was playing with his dinosaurs.

"I can't do that, I'm not a little baby kid like you!"

Under normal circumstances Ben would have been very upset by that comment, but he could feel the tension in the room, so he shrugged and went back to pretending he was the ruler of all the dinosaurs.

"Son, you need to calm down and backtrack. What did you do with your homework when you finished it last night?"

"I left it on my desk. Then I went to brush my teeth. Then I came back in here and looked at Ben's picture he was coloring and then we went to bed."

"Ben, where did you get the paper to color on?" Adam asked, certain of what had happened.

"In the desk by the other paper."

"Where did you put that drawing?"

"I sleeped with it. It was special to me."

Adam walked over to Ben's bed, flipping back the covers and finding Colton's homework, half crumpled, with a crayon drawing on the back.

"Ben why did you do that?" Colton shouted, exasperated and at his breaking point. "Why would you color on my homework? You are the worst brother in the world!"

He ran into the bathroom and slammed the door while Ben burst into tears feeling deep guilt over what he'd done and rejection from the brother he adored.

"Ben, Colton didn't mean that."

"Yeah him did! And now my special picture's gonna get gived to a teacher what I don't even know!"

"Buddy, take a deep breath. I'll fix the problem, alright?"

"Cole thinks I am a bad brother."

"No he doesn't. He's just mad right now."

"I don't want to go to preschool today. I want to sit in my bed and cry."

"Ben, come here. Colton doesn't think you're a bad brother. He loves you a lot. He's very frustrated because he made a mistake and it's easier to get mad at you than to get mad at himself. Calm down buddy, it's going to be okay."

Ben rubbed at his eyes and climbed onto his bed anyway while Avery came in to see what was going on.

"Ben," she said softly, climbing up next to him and patting his face. "Sad?"

"I'm real sad, sissy."

She nodded and settled herself in his lap with a little grin. He liked to hold her like a baby and she hated it but she thought it might make him feel better.

"I love you sissy. You are the best sissy in the whole world," he said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek. "And I promise I be the best brother."

Adam smiled at the tender moment, then went and knocked on the bathroom door before opening it. Colton was standing by the window, looking out onto the backyard quietly, his arms crossed.

"Son, you've got some things to fix, don't you?"

"I'm upset."

"I know. And I am glad that you can verbalize your feelings. But you've got a very sad little brother who thinks you don't love him anymore."

"Of course I love Ben! I am just mad about my homework! I don't know what to do. I don't want to take his special picture away from him."

"Why don't you go in there and apologize to him and I will go downstairs and make a copy of the homework side, and then Ben can have his drawing back."

"You would do that?"

"Yes I would."

"Even though you are very frustrated with me?"

"I'm frustrated but I still love you. Go talk to your brother and I'll be right back."

Colton nodded and Adam went downstairs, firing up the scanner so he could make a quick copy of the homework, looking at the clock and wondering why Lindsay was late and why the fates conspired to make her late this morning of all mornings. Pretty soon the copy was made and he put it in Colton's backpack, then took the original back upstairs.

"Well Daddy that was very distressin' but we comed to a incision," Ben announced, his tears now dry and a distant memory.

"We're gonna put that picture up on our wall, so we will always remember this fight and that we can forgive each other and we will be brothers forever."

"Also for me to 'member not to color on Cole's work."

"That's a very good idea and I'm very proud of both of you for thinking of that. Why don't you put it up with a little piece of tape and after work tonight I'll buy you a frame for it."

"That would be great, daddy!"

The boys set to work, finding tape and hanging up the picture while Avery watched, in awe of her big brothers.

"Hey, is anyone home?"

"Mama!" all three kids shouted, running out of the room and down the stairs to greet her. She was nearly mowed over by their hugs and chatter and she tried to keep up with all they were saying while also trying to read the look on Adam's face.

"Mama, do you have to go back to work late at night?"

"Yes, for just one more night and then it will go back to normal."

"We sure miss your face in the daytime," Ben said with a nod. "You gonna make sissy take a nap with you while you're sleepin' and us boys are gone?"

"No, I think we'll stay up and play but after we pick you up from pre-school we might have to all take a nap together."

"Boys, go get coats and shoes so I can take you to school."

The boys ran into the other room while Adam grabbed Lindsay and held her close for a long moment.

"I miss your face in the daytime too babe."

"I miss yours too. Can we go on a date soon?"

"Yes please. I'd love that."

"We'll plan on it then."

"For now, I've got to get the boys to school and get myself to work. I'll call you later."

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you more."

* * *

The computer blipped and beeped as it scanned through the DMV database searching for a face that could possibly maybe somewhat match the blurry image they'd gotten off the surveillance footage of the crime scene. It always made Adam's head spin to watch the images flash so fast, and he sat back after a while, rubbing his eyes. The computer beeped slowly as another possible suspect was added to the list. It was slow work but he was glad the computer did the worst of it.

His phone buzzed and moved towards the edge of the table and he reached out to catch it before it fell to the floor. It was Lindsay calling so either the kids were driving her nuts too, or she was trying to take a nap and couldn't fall asleep. He loved when she called him no matter what the reason was and he answered with a smile.

"Hey."

"Hi daddy," came Avery's whispered voice. "Doing?"

"Hi sweetie. I'm just at work. What are you doing?"

"Shh."

"Honey, did you take mama's phone?"

"Uh-huh!" she said, launching into a huge story that he couldn't understand, except for a few words here and there. He pretended to be following the story and threw in a few questions, but mostly just laughed at her little voice. After a little bit his phone beeped to alert him that he had another call, so he told Avery to wait just a minute and clicked over to see that Lindsay was calling him from the house phone.

"Hey babe."

"Hey. I can't find my phone."

"You can't?" he asked, deciding to play along for a while.

"No. I put the kids down for a nap and I swear I had it in my pocket and then I went to call Austin but it wasn't there and I can't find it anywhere. And the ringer is off, I've already tried calling it."

"Are you sure you've looked everywhere?"

"Yes."

"Did you check Avery's crib?"

"What?"

"I've got her on the other line. She pilfered your phone and called me."

There was a second of quiet before Lindsay started to laugh.

"I'm over here freaking out over a two hundred dollar phone and the entire time Princess Drool is holding it hostage."

"I'm laughing at the mental image of you tearing the house apart while she plays Angry Birds on the sly."

"Very hilarious. Alright, I am going to go rescue it from her. I'll talk to you later."

They hung up the phone and Adam laughed, switching back over to the other line.

"Hey Avery, mama's coming up to get her phone so we need to say bye now."

"Oh. Bye daddy. Safe. Loves."

"I'll be safe and I love you too."

"Gotta go, bye."

He hung up the phone and set it on the table, chuckling as he turned around in his seat and found Jo and Austin standing in the door way smirking at him.

"What? It's not my fault she loves and adores me and can't stand being away from me."

"No, she just knows you have the credit card," Austin corrected. "Or at least she'd better, I've been telling her since she was a day old."

"Thank you very much. Here's your list of scumbags to look through," he said, handing them the print-out. "You got anything else on your to-do lists I can knock out?"

"Yeah, go pick up my dry cleaning."

"And I want a cup of coffee."

"Hey now, hold your horses, ladies. You gotta get in line."

"I know your flaws Adam," Austin chuckled. "I can get my own coffee."

"Who's going to watch Sci-Fi movies with you when I start to ignore you completely?"

"Daniel actually digs them. So I don't need you."

"Are you two absolutely certain that you aren't actually siblings?" Jo asked with a raise of her eyebrow.

"We're sure. I don't want her in my gene pool."

"Watch out, someday Colton and Isa will get married and then you won't have a choice in the matter."

"Heaven help me."

* * *

"Okay boys, go to sleep, no talking."

"Could we whisper?" Ben asked hopefully, raising his eyebrows.

"You can whisper for ten minutes and then you need to go to sleep."

"Alright daddy. Tell mama we said goodnight."

"I will. Sleep good."

He slipped out of the room and downstairs where Lindsay was sitting in the porch swing with a cup of coffee. She'd gotten very little sleep going into this last graveyard shift and he could smell the strength of the coffee as he stepped outside.

"Whoa. You going to resurface the road with that?"

"Thinkin' about it," she chuckled as he sat down and put his arm around her shoulders.

"I talked to my mom today," he started after a moment, quietly.

"How's she doing?"

"She feels guilty about what happened, even though there was nothing she could do about it. She says she should have come up here when it was happening or she should have come up for the trial or something."

"Did you tell her that none of it is her fault?"

"She knows that, but it doesn't make that guilt go away. She feels like she should have done more to protect me, she should have kept his whole family away, you know?"

"Hindsight maybe, but I think she was just trying to get you guys somewhere safe when she got out, I don't think she was really worried about the long-term."

"I know. It's not more her fault than it is mine, but we're both carrying around a lot of guilt about it and I don't know when that's going to go away."

"Maybe it's not. Maybe you just have to stop."

"I don't think it's that easy."

"What if you've been telling yourself that for so long and you haven't realized that it could be that simple."

"To forget?"

"No. To let go of misplaced guilt. You're getting there honey, and I know you know it's not your fault but that doesn't mean you don't wonder what you could have done differently."

"I still feel like I didn't protect my family."

"Adam, if a tornado dropped down right now, would that be your fault?"

"No, but this is different."

"No it's not. You can't change his actions. What happened is over, we make our peace with it, we learn from it and move on. That's all."

"I'm trying."

"I know you are. And I wish it was easier, but I understand that letting go of it all takes some work. As long as you don't think you're like him and you know it's not your fault, I think you've made more progress than most people would have."

He was quiet for a moment, tucking her close and kissing the top of her head while the crickets chirped and a cool breeze blew.

"Sometimes I forget that you're fighting this battle with me," he confessed after a moment. "I'm sorry for that. I know you're on my side, sometimes I just want to protect you from it so I pretend you're not there at all."

"It's okay. I understand."

"I'm really lucky. I don't deserve you."

"Yes you do. No one else in the world could love you as much as I do."

"I'm convinced."

She chuckled and stood up from the swing, then leaned down to kiss him.

"I have to get going, but think about what I said, alright? And don't forget, tomorrow we have to plan Halloween costumes."

"And a fun time will be had by all."

"I love you Adam Ryan Ross."

"I love you too. Be safe."

She disappeared inside to finish getting ready and he sat back in the swing, watching the stars come out and thinking that no matter what his father had done, it didn't change the fact that he'd gotten away and made a life for himself and had a family that he loved. Nothing could ever touch him again.


	221. Chapter 221

"I think I've done all I can do today," Austin announced, poking her head into the room and finding Lindsay staring at a computer screen. "And I'm leaving. So shouldn't you be ready to leave like half an hour ago?"

"Mm-hmm," Lindsay answered absentmindedly, giving a short nod.

"And yet you're not ready. What are you doing?"

"Just my job."

"Linds."

"Sorry. I think I need to step away from this for a while. My eyes hurt."

"What are you doing?"

"Reading every encyclopedia entry I can find about cotton. I'm at a dead end with the evidence and I'm just kind of waiting for something to jump out at me. I figured reading up on all the trace I have couldn't hurt."

"Boring."

"I never said it wasn't," Lindsay chuckled, logging off the computer and grabbing her coat off the back of her chair. "But my ability to sit and read is the reason I do this and your inability to stay still for twelve seconds is the reason you carry a gun and spend your days running all over town."

"And our mutual need for balance is why we're best friends."

"All is right in the universe," Lindsay chuckled, shutting off the light as they walked to the elevator. "So, did you get any special deliveries today?"

Austin laughed and wrapped her arms around Lindsay, hugging her tightly.

"Only you would send me chocolate Halloween flowers in the middle of the day because you know I was stricken with PMS, even though I didn't say a word about it."

"My special power is knowing when you're hormonal."

"You should wear a cape. Super Hormone Detector. You may well have saved Flack's life today."

"I've always wanted an indentured servant for life."

"Flack's a pretty good one. He never complains about bringing you a milkshake."

"Maybe that's because his milkshake brings all the boys to the yard."

Austin's laugh was loud and brought tears to her eyes and didn't stop until they'd gotten to the parking garage and were buckled into the car.

"Linds. Why?"

"You can't say milkshake to me and have me not think of that song."

"I am actually crying."

"All I can picture is Flack going "He-eyy!" and shaking his butt."

"Linds, stop. It's too accurate."

"Really?"

"Remind me to show you pictures from high school."

"Oh yes please."

They giggled as they made their way through evening traffic, taking almost forty-five minutes to get home.

"So last year was Harry Potter, what do you think the guys dreamed up for the kids costumes this year?"

"I don't know, but I bet it's good. Adam bought a wig for Isa but he wouldn't tell me what it was for."

"Isa's going to love wearing a wig."

"Yes she will. Ready?"

"To swipe the kids candy after every house? Yeah."

Lindsay chuckled and they walked up the porch steps, then opened the front door.

"They're here!" came an excited Sarah-giggle from the front room. Suddenly music started, a well known theme song that certainly gave away the theme of the evening.

The kids were dressed up as the Brady kids and not only were they singing along to the theme song, they were all poking their heads through a cardboard cut-out that had been made to look like the opening credits of the show. That is to say that the oldest three were singing along; Ben was making up his own words and Junior was bouncing his head to the beat while Avery reached around the side of the cardboard and waved happily.

"Hi mama! I Cindy!"

Lindsay laughed and crouched down to look at her pig-tailed daughter.

"Cindy was always my favorite."

The kids stepped out from behind the cardboard, clad in 70's era clothing and hair styles. Ben even had freckles drawn across his nose just like Bobby Brady and Junior had a set of plastic buck-teeth like Peter.

"You like our outfits? Don't I look awesome with blonde hair?" Isa asked excitedly, barely able to stay in one place. "I'm Marsha. Do I look like Marsha? I don't act like Marsha."

"No, you certainly don't."

"Uncle Adam told me to say that Marsha did it again, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" Sarah explained. "I don't know why."

"Because Adam has watched the Brady Bunch way too often," Lindsay answered, lifting Avery into her arms.

"Yeah, but it made for awesome costumes."

"I just want to know which one of you is dressing up as Alice."

"Hey, Halloween is for the kids, Montana. Don't go gettin' no wild ideas that we're dressin' up as anything."

"Oh because I was thinking that Adam could be Alice and you could be Sam the Butcher and Austin could be Cousin Oliver."

"And what would that make you?"

"Sherwood Schwartz."

"You watch too much TVLand."

"Next year the kids should go as the characters from _Gilligan's Island_."

"Adam, you ever tried an intervention with this one?"

"Yeah, I tried to take the remote away and she bit me."

"Oh I did not! I just nibbled your hand a little."

"You two are gross," Colton said, handing Avery her doll.

"Yes, but we are gross together."

"See what I mean, Isa?" he asked with an arch of his eyebrow. "Disgusting."

"I dunno, I don't think it's that gross, Colt. Flirting isn't gross. Love isn't gross."

He stared at her for a long second before shaking his head.

"I forgot that you are actually a girl."

She sighed at him and shook her head while he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well you two already look married," Danny chuckled.

"Hey did you guys know that Barry Williams and Maureen McCormick actually had a fling during the years that they played Greg and Marsha?"

"Did you know that when they mowed their lawn it was actually Astroturf?"

"Shut up Danny!"

* * *

"And this is our dog Qwerty what's playing the role of Tiger!" Ben announced as the patient home-owner dropped several pieces of candy into each bag. He was making sure that every home they stopped at knew exactly who they were and even Avery was starting to get annoyed with his happy proclamations. The kids said thank you for the candy and hopped off the porch steps and down the sidewalk while Ben asked them all what they'd gotten.

"Hey Ben," Colton started in the kindest voice he could muster. "No offense, but you're gettin' kinda obnoxious."

"Obnoxious? What's that mean?"

"It means shut up," Isa supplied, shooting him a look. "Of course I mean that nice."

"Oh. Okay."

He was quiet for the next few houses, no matter how much he wanted to speak up, and by the time they had rounded the corner to head back to the house, his head was dropped and he watched the ground as he straggled behind the group. It wasn't so much that he was hurt by what the kids had said as he was having a few moments of deep self-examination, something most people don't do until college or well beyond. He was trying to see himself the way they saw him, walking a mile in another person's skin, like Atticus Finch said. Maybe they were right. Maybe he did talk too much.

"Ben, you comin' buddy?" Adam asked, stopping and holding his hand out. Ben nodded and walked faster to catch up, giving a half smile when he was lifted off the ground and into his daddy's arms.

"Gettin' tired?"

He just nodded, feeling confused, rejected, and angry with himself. Obnoxious seemed like an awful word and the more he thought about it, the worse it felt.

"Are you going to be ready for dinner in a little while?"

"Uh-huh."

"Is something the matter?" Adam asked, having not heard the kids conversation beforehand and being utterly confused as to why his normally unstoppably verbal child was so quiet.

"No daddy. I'm just thinkin' 'bout bein' obnoxious."

"Who said you were obnoxious?"

"Cole did. But he was not mean for it. I do talk lots."

"But Ben, that doesn't mean you have to stop talking."

"It's okay daddy. It's my cross to bear."

Adam sighed, knowing that there would be no arguing with Ben's conclusion right now. All three kids had Lindsay's stubbornness and it was hard to talk them out of anything they'd decided on, even things they didn't want to do.

"Well then let's go home and have dinner."

Ben nodded as they all made their way home, the rest of the kids excited to dig through their candy and start swapping it. Ben joined in half-heartedly, letting Junior make his trading choices for him, which worked out just fine anyway. Avery was so happy to be included with the big kids that she was jogging in place.

"Avery, do you want to use the potty?" Lindsay asked, realizing how long it had been since she'd changed a diaper and hoping that maybe, just maybe Avery would want to try and be a big girl.

"No mama. No potty. I dance."

Lindsay and Austin exchanged amused glances, then collected the candy and took it into the kitchen while Danny and Adam settled the kids down and started a movie. Ben wandered into the kitchen with them, watching as they got pizza toppings out of the fridge.

"Hey Ben the Dude. What's going on?"

"I have a question," he said, lifting his arms so Austin could pick him up.

"What's your question?" she asked, rubbing her nose against his.

"Do you guys think I talk too much?"

"Too much?" Lindsay clarified, kneading the pizza dough Adam had made earlier and spreading it around one of the big pans. "You talk a lot, Ben Ry, but that doesn't mean it's too much."

"Yeah, one of my favorite things is listenin' to you talk," Austin assured. "I love when you tell me stories."

"The other kids don't like it. I'm obnoxious."

"Benjamin," Lindsay said, taking his face in her hands. "You are not obnoxious. Maybe the kids didn't like that you explained your costumes at every house, but that's just their opinion. You keep being you. Don't let anyone else tell you not to be yourself. You are the most perfect Ben Ross in the world. Understand?"

"I understand."

"I love you."

"I love you too, mama," he said, some of the light coming back into his eyes. "You love me Austin?"

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you," she said, pressing kisses all over his cheeks. He laughed at the feeling and wrapped his arms around her neck.

"Love you so much Austin. I'm not a obnoxious boy! I am just Ben!"

"No, you are Binyin!" Junior chuckled, sliding on his sock feet into the room. "Come sit with me on the couch and watch this 'Laddin movie with us."

"I gots a idea 'bout that movie," Ben started, wiggling down from Austin's arms. "I was thinkin' that the guy at the start had that lamp what was the Genie's house. So maybe that guy at the start, you know, the one selling his wares? I think he is the Genie after he got freed."

"I bet it is, Binyin!"

They raced off into the other room and their mothers chuckled as they watched them.

"They remind me of us," Austin mused, finding a cheese grater. "They don't even question their friendship, it just is."

"It's better not to question the best things in life."

"I'm one of your best things?"

"Adam and the kids, cereal, you."

"I'm that close on the scale to cereal? Be still my heart."

Lindsay chuckled as Austin started to grate the cheese and cringed when she felt like Austin was going to grate her own fingers.

"Hey Goose maybe you shouldn't do something that includes sharp edges. Here, put the pepperoni on."

"I'm not five, Lin."

"You are wearing a Powerpuff Girls band-aid that you picked out because you tried to cut your fingernail in a pencil sharpener. You're right, you're not five. You're two. Stop blinking at me."

"You're mean," Austin said with a sneer, moving over to place the pepperoni on the pizza.

"I am very concerned for your safety!"

Austin just laughed and they made two large pizzas before putting one in the oven to cook.

"When I was younger I used to think I wanted to travel. Leave this whole city and never come back. I wanted to do everything and see everything and soak up the whole world."

"You did? Austin, I never thought wild motorcycles could drag you away from this town."

"They could have. But now, I don't think I could ever leave. Every good thing is right here, in this house, in this city. I've never felt that before. My life's happiness doesn't depend on out there. It's kind of a freeing thought."

"Well I'm glad you're here because I don't feel like chasing you all over God's green earth. I mean, I would do it. I just don't feel like it. I can't fit all my favorite clothes in a suitcase."

"Lin, we're awesome."

* * *

"Okay Colton, it's really time for bed now," Lindsay sighed, seeing that he hadn't moved off of the couch in the ten minutes since she'd warned him before.

"But mama, this is interesting!"

"It will be on again."

"But they're findin' junk and makin' money out of it! I could do that too! I could find lots of junk in daddy's side of the closet! It could be worth money!"

"Colton."

"Alright, alright," he sighed, turning the TV off. "Can I ride on your back up the stairs?"

She wanted to tell him no, that he was much too big, that she would topple over backwards, but she couldn't deny him this little joy, especially since every day that passed brought them closer to the time when he wouldn't enjoy these things anymore.

"Okay, hop on."

He laughed and held on tightly while they went up the stairs and she dropped him onto his bed.

"I will see you in the morning bright and early."

"Who is taking me to school?"

"I'm taking you. Daddy has to work really, really early."

"Okay. I love you mama."

"Love you too."

She kissed him and made sure the blankets were tight around him, then moved over to say goodnight to Ben.

"Honey why are you wearing a hat to bed?"

"Because. You an' Austin say I should be myself. This is myself."

"Okay, I understand but you're not going to sleep well with that hat on."

She moved to pull it off but he clamped his hands down over it and started to whimper.

"Ben, what's going on?"

"Nothin'! I didn't make a mistake!"

She was almost positive what she was going to find under his hat, but she peeled it off anyway.

"Adam… you'd better come in here and look at your son!"

"What's going on?" Adam asked, coming down the hallway and poking his head into the room. "Ben! What did you do?"

Ben started to wail loudly, throwing his arms over his head so they couldn't see the horrible haircut he'd given himself.

"I didn't think ahead!" he said while Lindsay pulled his arms away and tried to inspect the damage. It was very, very bad. It looked like he had started on one side of his head and clipped away. There were patches of regular length hair and patches of very, very short hair. He'd started on the other side too, but it wasn't as bad as the first. The only way to fix this would be to buzz it completely.

"Honey, why did you do this?"

He sat up in bed and rubbed at his eyes while Adam turned the light on so he could look at it for himself.

"Well the other day when we was in the store, I seen a kid what had his hairs just stickin' up in the middle. And I thinked to myself "Hey Ben, I like the look of that hair!" And then tonight mama, you and Austin telled me to just be me. And I thought that me would like to have hair like what that kid gots. So I tried to do it! And now I look like a monster!"

"Ben," Lindsay started, not even sure what to say. "When did you do this?"

"When I was in the bathroom. I taked all my hairs and I putted them under the sink so maybe we could glue them back on."

"Where did you find scissors?"

"In Cole's desk," he admitted, shrinking down against his pillows. "I shoulda had a professional do this."

"You thought to yourself "Hey Ben?"" Adam asked, not even sure what else to say.

"I always think my name to myself. Otherwise myself won't know who I am talkin' to!"

"Ben, you have school in the morning. We don't have time to get this fixed beforehand."

"Oh no! What am I to do? Tomorrow is show and tell! Everyone will be lookin' at me!"

"Well maybe you should have thought of that," Lindsay sighed, brushing his hair back to see if she could do a little damage control. She'd warned the boys about cutting their hair so many times and she was beginning to think it wasn't going to be a problem. At least it wasn't Avery's perfect baby curls on the floor, but this wasn't exactly no big deal either.

"Are you mad at me, mama?"

"I don't know why you thought this was a good idea."

He dropped his head and rubbed at his eyes while Colton got out of bed and threw his arm around his little brother's shoulders.

"You know somethin' Ben? You are much more brave than me. One time I wanted a haircut and I was afraid to do it myself because I thought it would turn out bad. But you just went for it! I kinda admire that."

Ben turned slowly and gave Colton a strange look, then pointed to his new hairdo.

"Cole. You wanna look like me? I am a fool!"

"Nah, you're just misinformed! It's okay Ben. Hair grows back. And it's not the end of the world. By the time you're my age, this will be a distant memory!"

"I like that idea," Ben said, running his hand over his hair. "How about we just keep this a secret with ourselves. No one 'sides us gots to know about me doing it."

"You still have to go to school in the morning," Adam reminded him gently.

"Maybe for my show and tell, I will tell the kids how it is not a good idea to cut your own hair. They will see it for themselfs."

"That's a good idea, Ben. Like how Aves learns from our mistakes, now your friends can too."

"Yep. Mama, that what it means when Jo say the thing about making lemonade when life gives you lemons?"

"Yeah, that's what it means."

"Well alright them. I will go to school and tell the kids what went wrong."

Lindsay and Adam shared a short, amused look before tucking the boys back in and saying goodnight. They checked on Avery, who was clutching her new doll tightly against her chest as she slept, then went upstairs, where they found every bill for the month and the checkbook on the bed.

"Adam?"

"I was paying the bills. I got distracted."

"I thought we were never supposed to bring finances into the bedroom," she teased, starting to put the papers into a pile.

"Hey wait, I have a method."

"You do?"

"Yeah."

"Is that method to be a mess?"

"Hey, how many times have we overdrawn our bank account?"

"Never."

"How many times have we missed a bill?"

"Never."

"Then my method must be working right?"

"Can you teach me?"

"Why? I thought you never wanted to do the bills again."

"I don't. But someday I might have to and what if you don't have time to show me how you do them and then I mess them up?"

"Linds-"

"Just like you have to know how to do all the stuff I do too. Just in case."

"No one is going to die babe," he said, trying to put his arms around her. She shrugged him away and gave him a look that made him realize she wasn't joking.

"Don't say that, Adam."

"I'm sorry. C'mere, let me show you the ways of the master."

She smiled and they sat down on the bed together and he picked up the checkbook and a pencil.

"First thing I do is write a check for the mortgage, but I write the amount in pencil."

"Why?"

"Because after I pay the rest of the bills, I add ten percent of what we have left in checking to the mortgage payment. That way we're paying more on the principal every month and we'll be out from under it faster."

"Okay, then what do you pay?"

"Utilities next, then car payments which are almost done, cell phones, cable and internet, Ben's school and then I put money in the kids college accounts."

"How much are you putting in there every month?"

"Fifty each every month but that will go up once the car is paid off. Then after that I put money into savings, finish the mortgage and I'm done."

"Then how come it takes you so long to do the bills?"

"I hate spending money. I look at all our utilities to see what went up, I calculate how much we've paid on the mortgage and how far ahead we are. I research other cable plans, I look into putting the kids college money into other types of accounts. I stress myself out."

"I'm glad you do. This isn't easy work."

"I figure you making dinner mostly every night is more labor intensive than me doing the bills once a month."

"I guess it's a pretty fair trade then. You know I don't like math."

"Exactly."

She smiled and leaned against his shoulder while he finished up writing checks and making the bills as paid. With her hours cut back so she could spend more time with the kids, he was the primary source of income for the family. He didn't just provide the money though, he set it up in a way to keep them financially secure in the event that they lost their jobs or had huge medical emergencies or anything like that. He looked for way to improve things, and his care didn't stop with their finances. He cared for them in every other way, just as diligently. When they had first started dating she wondered if he was ready for a wife and kids and a house and everything that came with it, but more and more she was seeing that he'd been preparing and planning for things long before he'd even met her. That thought made her mind a lot less that he did so little cleaning around the house and that it took two days to get him to mow the lawn. He was pulling his weight, more than pulling it, and she vowed to never nag him again. As much as she felt like he didn't see all the work she did, she began to realize that she didn't see all the work he did.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love you."

"I really love you too," he chuckled, gathering up all the papers and setting them on his bedside table to file later.

"You're the best man in the world."

"Where is this coming from?"

"Where it should have come from a long time ago. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at the things you do anymore, really."

"Babe if this is about the bills and stuff, it's nothing special. I wanted a family and I wanted you and I signed up for it all. Taking care of you and the kids is what it takes to deserve the reward of having you."

"Do you ever feel like you want to just let go of the responsibility for a day?"

"Not really. Sure, sometimes it would be nice to go play hockey again or something but I know that the second I'm out there, I'll be thinking about being here again."

"Do you think that I shouldn't go out without the kids then?"

"No, I think you need that because of the way you're wired. When we're at home with the kids we can both be fully engaged in everything, but when they need something they're asking you. Sometimes you need to go and not be mama for a while."

"If I was doing something wrong, would you tell me?"

"Yeah. Like right now, you're overthinking things and you're going to start to doubt things that you have no business doubting."

"Okay."

"Lindsay, I am happier with you and the kids than I would be alone. We can get through anything that life throws at us and I wouldn't change a day. You got it?"

"I got it. But don't tease life like that."

"Like what?"

"Don't be all "Come at me bro!" because someday it might."

"Okay, okay," he chuckled, shutting off the bedside lamp and scooting down under the covers with her. "Now go to sleep. It's easier to keep your mind corralled that way."

"I love you too. Goodnight."


	222. Chapter 222

A/N: Shorter chapter, sorry! It's fun as usual though.

* * *

It had been a bad morning from the start, from the moment the alarm went off ten minutes late to arriving at work and realizing his shoes didn't match. He wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even Lindsay, but it was really freaking him out to not be matching. As Ben would say, he was very distressed.

"Hey Adam, we've got a scene to get to," Jo said, joining him in his walk down the hallway. "Get that nice shiny new kit of yours and meet me at the elevator in two minutes."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair, wishing he could just spend the day with microscopes and computers. He was glad for the opportunity to get more field experience and most of the time he enjoyed it, but he had really wanted just a quiet day by himself.

He went down to his locker and grabbed his kit, then met Jo at the elevator as requested. She was on the phone with Ellie, so he had a little while to get himself together while they loaded up the SUV. He started the car and headed to the address she indicated, finding himself more frustrated with traffic than normal.

"Hey, what's the matter?" Jo asked, pulling the visor down to protect her eyes from the late autumn sun.

"Nothing. Long day."

She tipped her head to the side and looked at him for a second before letting a wry smile creep across her face.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in a bad mood before. What's going on?"

He sighed and gripped the wheel, trying to figure out how to explain what was wrong without revealing things that should remain private.

"Lindsay and I argued this morning. It wasn't a huge thing but it bugs me."

"What did you argue about?"

"We always have a small Christmas. Just us. We like it that way, we've always done it that way, we don't have to plan for anything, we don't have to travel, it's nice. My mom called last night and she wanted to come out for Christmas. I told her okay, I didn't even think about it. Lindsay was upset that I didn't talk to her about it first. I started asking if it was because she didn't like my mom or something and it just turned into an argument that we never should have had."

"Did you guys fix it?"

"Not really but it was implied. I was running late and I had to leave. I was taking Ben to school and he all the sudden goes "Why the long face little buckaroo?" So I had to tell Lindsay about that and I think we're okay. I just tend to stew on it and think she's still mad at me."

"That's not good."

"No. It's alright, everything will be fine soon. It's just kind of a downer."

"Well," she said on a sigh. "Are you going to be sulky all day?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Because if you are, that's fine, I just have to adjust to the alternate universe."

He chuckled and shook his head.

"Okay, you're right. I'm fine."

"Now, do we need to talk about your shoes?"

"No one else is going to notice right?"

"Adam, we're paid to notice the small details. You have one blue shoe and one black one."

"But at least it's dark blue!"

She tipped her head back and laughed, whether at him or with him, he wasn't sure.

"Adam you sound just like Ben."

"I would like to think that Ben sounds like me."

"Well, same difference. Lindsay needs to stop asking where she got kids like she got. She married the answer."

"Hey, I'm proud of my kids. They stand out."

"Speaking of standing out, what is Avery's deal with stripping down to nothing but her diaper every time she gets the chance?"

"Did she do that while you guys were watching them the other night?"

"Yeah. I went in the other room for two minutes and when I came back out she was sitting there in her diaper and she just waved at me with the biggest smile on her face."

"Avery's something else, that's for sure. I think she's like Lindsay but Lindsay won't claim her when she's performing some of her antics."

"Such as?"

"She's taken to putting things on her head and saying it's her hat. Things that don't even resemble a hat. Couch cushions, the phone, an ice cube tray."

"Is that what she means when she says "myatt" and gives you that defiant face?"

"Yes."

"Do you guys ever stop laughing at the stuff your kids come up with?"

"No, not really."

"I love having the kids around. They make me feel younger."

"They make me feel older. Colton legitimately beat me in a wrestling match last night because my hip started to hurt."

"Don't mention that to Austin, she'll never let you forget it."

"Lindsay already told her."

"You live in a battlefield my friend."

* * *

"Hey Dum. Out in the field today?" Austin asked, looking up from the body as he set his case down on the ground.

"Nope, just thought I would come out here and stare at a homicide vic," he retorted.

She shoved his shoulder and he shoved her back and they would have broken out into a childish slap fight if Jo hadn't cleared her throat and shot them a look.

"Deceased is Ricky Winstead," Jess started, while Adam started to take pictures of the body. "He was found about an hour ago."

They all continued to talk and posit theories while Adam documented the scene through photos, then started to set out markers and take samples. The initial sweep of a crime scene took several hours and he was glad this one was inside and contained as opposed to just somewhere out on the street.

He hadn't set out to really get field experience when he started this job so long ago; he'd mostly seen himself in the lab, maybe becoming a lead technician one day. After Lindsay cut down her hours to tend to the kids more he'd found it boring to be in the lab if she wasn't there too. He figured that branching out wouldn't hurt, so he'd been slowly getting some field training. He liked it fairly well, it was different from being in the lab but he was still doing the same job, so the learning curve hadn't given him a headache so far.

It was past lunchtime when they finally packed everything up and headed back, the SUV full to the brim with trace and other evidence that they would probably spend the rest of the day sorting through and logging into the files.

"I didn't know about the heavy lifting part of the gig," Adam groaned, picking up a particularly heavy box to place on the cart that they were using to haul everything inside.

"Would it have deterred you at all?"

"Yeah, probably."

She laughed and pressed the button on the elevator, then leaned against the wall and waited until the bell dinged and deposited them on their floor.

"After we log all this we can get lunch."

"I kind of hate the chain of custody when I have leftover roast chicken for lunch."

She laughed and was just opening the door to one of the larger layout rooms when they heard the pitter-patter of little feet and an excited squeal.

"Daddy! I Avery!"

"Oh, I didn't even recognize you," he laughed, scooping her up into his arms.

"Avery an' mama here. Shoes! Daddy shoes!"

"You brought me shoes?" he asked with a laugh as Lindsay caught up to them.

"I saw you had one of each left at home so I figured we'd come and rescue you."

"Thank you very much honey," he said, taking the shoes and leaning down to kiss her.

"You're welcome," she replied with a little twinkle in her eye.

"Where's Ben?"

"He had a playdate after school. We're on our way to pick him up now."

"Okay. Be safe."

"We will. Avery, let's go get Ben."

"NO! Stay daddy! Please?"

"You can't stay with daddy at work honey."

Avery dropped her head and started to cry softly but didn't fight the inevitable.

"She needs a nap. Avery say bye to daddy."

"Bye daddy. Love you."

"I love you too sweetie. Be good for your mama."

Adam drew Lindsay into his arms again and kissed her softly, whispering a promise to her that he was going to make up for their earlier argument. She gave him a smile and a wink, then she and Avery made their way to the elevator, Avery holding her hand out towards Adam and giving him the most pathetic face she could muster. He smiled and waved at her, then ducked back into the layout room to join Jo.

"That girl's pretty attached to you."

"Avery?"

"Yeah, she is but I was referring to Lindsay. You guys really had a fight this morning? I wouldn't have guessed if I didn't already know."

"Yeah, we're pretty mature like that."

"Okay, we'll go with that."

* * *

The house was quiet and all that could be heard was the rain on the roof and the dishwasher running downstairs. It was a peaceful night if not a little chilly and Adam and Lindsay sat snuggled in bed talking about nothing important, just enjoying the rare moment when it could be just them.

That was short lived however, when they heard the boys coming up the stairs. They'd been put to bed two hours ago and if they were still up now, it was going to be a long night.

"Hello you two," Ben said, bounding through the doorway. "We can't fall asleep!"

"We're not scared or nothing. We just aren't that tired. We tried to fall asleep, didn't we Ben?"

"Yep, we really tried. I counted sheeps in my head but then I got to wonderin' if sheep go into business just to be counted. And then I asked Cole and he was already awake still, recitin' the Pledge of the 'Merican United States to try and sleep. And both of us haved no luck."

"Well what did you want us to do about it?"

"We didn't have specifics," Colton said with a small sigh. "Ben just reminded me how you guys always have solutions to our little problems."

"Well guys I was going to go and get a late night snack. You want to go on a Taco Bell run with me?" Adam asked, hoping that if he got the kids on board, Lindsay wouldn't talk him out of it.

"Yeah!" they both agreed excitedly, jumping up and down.

"Let's go get your coats and shoes."

"And I'll go make sure you didn't just wake Avery up with all the racket."

"And the mention of food," Ben added as they all started down the stairs.

The boys went and found their coats and shoes while Lindsay replaced Avery's kicked off blankets and rescued the teddy bear that was stuck in the slats of the crib.

"You guys need coats too," Adam reminded them while Lindsay laughed at the sight of them in pajamas and boots.

"Y'all look like you're goin' to the privy."

"What's a privy?" Ben asked curiously, wrinkling his nose at the word.

"An outhouse."  
"A house what's outside? All houses is outside!"

"No, it's an outside bathroom," Colton explained with a shake of his head. "For when you're gonna stink so much you might run everyone out of the whole house."

"We've gotta get these kids back to Montana," Adam chuckled. "They don't know nothin' 'bout theys ancestry."

"Adam we're from Montana, not Kentucky. Fix your accent if you're going to mock me."

"Okay. Come on boys, let's make like Mexico and get some tacos."

They headed downstairs and got into the car, the boys giggling at this adventure. They had never thought that they would get to leave the house much less take an adventure to get junk food. It was a rare occurrence, being allowed to eat something that didn't provide nutritional value, and even more rare to be allowed to eat something that was so terribly bad for the body. But once in a while was okay and the boys chattered excitedly about what they were going to get.

"Boys, we're just getting a few tacos, okay?"

"But daddy, what about those chips with cheese what we got last time? The ones what sissy just licked up all the cheese sauce and leaved her chips?"

"No, just tacos tonight."

"Okay daddy," Colton said with a nod, knowing if he was on board, Ben was less likely to argue. "What were you and mama talkin' about when we came upstairs?"

"It was just grown up stuff that stays between me and mama."

"Like secrets?"

"I got top secret stuffs what only Dunner knows stuff about, on account of he's my most trusted 'visor," Ben piped up. "I would never tell you and mama some of that stuffs."

"Yeah, and me and Isa share secrets too that I would never say to no one else out loud."

"Well it's good to know you guys don't want to tell me important stuff," Adam said with a sad little sigh.

"It's not 'portant stuffs daddy!" Ben said. "Just stuffs like how I don't always wash my hands after I pee!"

"Hey, me too!" Colton laughed. "If I don't get anything on them, why should I wash my hands?"

"That's what I think too. Waste of water," Ben nodded.

"You guys should wash your hands every time," Adam told them, wrinkling his nose. "Germs are invisible."

"But… nothing gets on my hands!"

"You go ahead and tell your mama that and see what she says."

"No daddy, we can't tell mama! It's a secret."

"Promise me you'll wash your hands?"

"Okay, we'll wash our hands."

Adam shuddered thinking about all the cookies and other things he'd eaten that they'd helped to make, all the times he'd kissed the palms of their little hands when he put them to bed. Kids were gross, plain and simple.

The line at the drive-thru was very long and by the time Adam ordered, the boys were both asleep in their seats. He'd kind of been picturing the three of them sitting at the table in the semi-darkness, eating tacos and laughing together, but maybe he would just have to wait for another night for that father/son bonding moment.

They were still asleep when he parked the car in their driveway and he thought for a second about how he was going to get both kids inside without waking them up. It took a lot of finagling but he finally managed to lift both boys into his arms and shut the car door, then, with the food bag clamped between his teeth, he navigated into the house and up the stairs, settling them into their beds. Colton grunted a little at the movement, but neither one of them woke up and Adam mentally patted himself on the back as he went upstairs.

"Hey babe, want some tacos?"

Lindsay chuckled as he sat down next to her and opened the bag.

"Remember when we used to eat like this all the time?"

"Yes I do. Those were the days."

He smiled and handed her one of the tightly wrapped packages and she unwrapped it, her eyes lighting up despite herself as she took a bite.

"I love you so much," she said, her mouth full. "Oh my word."

"Isn't it about the best thing you've ever eaten?"

"You have no idea. Give me another one."

He laughed and handed her a second one before he'd even finished his first.

"So I learned something interesting tonight."

"What's that?"

"Colton and Ben keeps secrets from us."

"Important ones?"

"No, just silly things."

"That's okay."

"It is?"

"Yeah. They need to feel like they're independent and grown-up and it's really okay for them to have lives outside of us. As long as they know they could tell us if they wanted to, and as long as it's nothing important, it's okay. Maybe when they get older we'll have to talk more about it, but it's okay for now."

"I guess you're right. I guess I just always thought of the boys and me being best friends, you know? I mean, I'm their dad first, but I wanted us to always be close and it kind of feels like if they have secrets, we're not as tight as I thought we were."

"I'm sorry honey. But part of being a parent is letting them discover their own lives."

"Yeah. Not easy though."

"No, it's not."

"You're a good daddy, Adam. They are always going to love you like they do now, and probably even more as they get older. Maybe they won't tell you everything, but you are the person they measure themselves against. It's not like you don't have any influence over them."

"Did you keep secrets from your parents at that age?"

"Of course. Most of it was stuff they knew already."

"So it's normal? Our kids aren't weird?"

"I wouldn't go that far, Adam."

* * *

Meanwhile, Avery was downstairs, having been woken up by the sound of Adam and the boys coming home. She'd watched through the slats of her crib as they came up the stairs, and then she'd watched as her daddy had carried a bag of food up to her mama. She knew that no one ever ate any food around here without letting her join them and it was possible that daddy had just forgot, so she decided to head to the party on her own.

Currently she was holding onto the side of her crib, having scaled it with the plan of climbing over and jumping down, but in the dark she wasn't sure how far it was to the ground, so for now she clung as tightly as she could. She'd found that if she moved too much, the crib moved too, and that made her nervous. Finally her stomach won the battle and she rolled to the side, letting go of the crib and falling to the floor. It hurt a little but she landed mostly on her diaper, so it wasn't horrible. She didn't want to cry out and wake up her brothers because then they would want food too and there would be less for her.

She stood up from the floor and dusted herself off. It was a little cold and she regretted having taken her pajamas off earlier, but there wasn't much time to change it now, so she just headed down the hallway and to the stairs. It took her a long time to get up them and she stopped partway through to catch her breath. She made this trip quite often when she woke up in the mornings, but she was tired right now and it was making things more difficult. Finally she reached the top and toddled over to her parents open bedroom door. "I can't believe we just put away ten tacos," her daddy was saying, with a little laugh in his voice.

"I can't believe you actually went out and bought ten tacos."

"Hey, I was hungry."

Avery walked to their doorway and stood in it, angry that they had eaten all the food, that it had taken her so long to get upstairs, and that they had basically forgotten about her completely. They talked and laughed together for a few minutes before she was spotted in the doorway.

"Hey babe, the warden's here," Adam whispered. "Hi honey. What are you doing?"

"Taco," she said softly, shaking her head and taking a deep breath. "Taco!"

She turned and ran out of the room, leaving Adam and Lindsay to stare at the spot she'd been standing in wonderment.

"She looked like a linebacker standing there," Lindsay giggled.

"A linebacker whose neck ran away."

"We've really got to think about putting her on a diet. She is really very rolly."

"I like her all chunky like that. She wouldn't be Avery if she was skinny."

"Very true. I did like her taco battle cry though," Lindsay commented as they heard Avery thumping down the stairs.

"What was that we were saying earlier about our kids not being weird?"


	223. Chapter 223

The kids had been cranky all day long, whining about the littlest things and not going longer than ten minutes without getting into an argument. They'd fought over who got which bowl at breakfast, who finished eating first, whose turn it was to hug mama, who had to feed the dog, who was being good, who was being bad and who had to help Avery with her princess puzzle. Avery had loudly refused the help, screaming at the top of her lungs for so long that the dog and cat were still in hiding somewhere.

Now the kids were all upstairs in their rooms, Avery taking a much needed nap and the boys sentenced to half an hour with the challenge to figure out how they were going to get along for the rest of the day. Lindsay and Adam were stretched out on the couch, doing their best to ignore the bad morning and focus on their plans for the rest of the day. At least it started that way, but it quickly evolved into a laughing, high-school-esque make out session.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"You keep doing that and we're going to have to go upstairs."

Lindsay smiled and ran her fingers across his chest only one more time before sitting up and fixing her hair.

"Well we don't have time for that before the kids will be fighting again, making us totally turned off to the idea of anything even coming close to procreating."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. What time do you want to leave?"

"Earlier I was thinking about having lunch somewhere, but I don't think I want to subject the rest of the world to the kids behavior, so I'll make something here and then we can go."

"I really hope we don't have any melt-downs in the toy store. That would be embarrassing."

"Maybe the boys will need to have a talk with their daddy before we leave."

"Consider it done."

"Can we come out of our room now?" Colton shouted from the top of the stairs. "Seriously!"

"Have you guys discussed how you're going to get along?" Adam hollered back.

"Yes! Can we come out now?"

"Alright."

There was the sound of a scuffle at that top of the stairs, then both boys thundered down, their brows knit in annoyance.

"I thought you were going to get along."

"We're doing that by way of not speaking to each other," Ben said with a scowl. "Figured that was the safest way."

"Okay then. Who wants to go wake Avery up from her nap?"

"Not me! She will yell my head off," Colton grumped. "She is mean today."

"I don't wanna either! She smacked me already once!"

"Okay, I'll go get her," Lindsay sighed, standing from the couch. She was a little tired of the boys attitudes today and as she went upstairs, she hoped that Avery didn't wake up the same way.

She was just waking up, smiling brightly and stretching, enjoying sleeping in her big girl bed instead of a crib.

"Hi mama."

"Hi sweetness. Are you ready to get up?"

"Uh-huh! Brush hair?"

"Yes, I can brush your hair. Did you have a good nap?"

"Yes, mama. My bed."

"I can't believe you're old enough to sleep in a real bed honey."

"Mama, I two."

"I know. Are we going to have a party in a few days?"

"Yes! Cake for Avery, Coley, Ben, Danyo."

"That's right. What are we going to do today?"

"Um… ah, shoppin'!"

"That's right," Lindsay said, chuckling at Avery's accent. She sounded so southern sometimes, and it was so deep that they couldn't even blame it on Jo, so they had no idea where she got it.

"Mama, we go now?"

"Let's have lunch first. Want some macaroni?"

"Oh yay! Mac'roni!"

They made their way downstairs and into the kitchen where Avery immediately found the phone book and put it on her head.

"Mama, my hat! Like?"

"Yes, I love your hat. So good of you to recycle."

Avery giggled and stood up, holding onto the phone book with one hand as she walked across the kitchen to stand by the stove.

"Doin' now?"

"I'm boiling water for noodles."

"Avery like noodles."

"I know you do. And then we'll put some cheese in there too."

"Oh cheese! Avery love cheese!"

"I know."

Avery let the phone book drop to the floor, then pulled out the drawers to make stairs so she could sit on the counter. It was an art she had perfected in the last few weeks and as long as she stuck to the drawers with potholders and towels in them, Lindsay didn't mind too much.

"Avery sit," she announced plopping down on the counter by the sink while Lindsay started to shred the cheese. "Cheese, noodles?"

"And we'll put some milk in there too."

"Yum, mama!"

Lindsay gathered the rest of the ingredients and continued to make lunch, while Avery watched, humming to herself and playing with a whisk.

"Sweetie, do you want to pour the milk in?"

"Oh yay!" Avery laughed, holding her hands out for the cup of milk.

"Be careful."

"Careful," Avery whispered as she tipped the cup and poured the milk into the pot. "Careful. All done!"

"Thank you sweetie."

"Now?"

"Now we stir it up until the cheese is melted and then we throw it in the oven."

"What that?"

"That's mama's secret."

"Bacon?"

"No, it's prosciutto."

"Oh. Yummy?"

"Yes. Why else would I use it, silly?"

Avery chuckled and rubbed her stomach while Lindsay put the whole thing into the oven.

"Now?"

"Now we clean up our mess."

"Oh. Adios."

She climbed down from the counter and waddled off into the other room while Lindsay laughed. She'd apparently taken turning two as her cue to start talking constantly and clearly and she'd suddenly figured out when she was being funny because she would look over her shoulder sometimes and wink if she could manage it. So far the two's hadn't been terrible, but they were only one day in, so things could definitely change.

* * *

"Not wear coat," Avery protested as Colton tried to help her put her winter coat on.

"But Aves, you gotta wear it! It's cold outside. We don't want you to get sick and the sniffles!"

"No coat," she repeated, shaking her head.

"Mama, Aves won't put her coat on!"

"Okay. She'll change her mind when we get outside. Let's go get in the car."

They headed out the back door and Avery shrieked at being cold, then gladly accepted her coat as they piled into the car.

"No Ben! Mine!" she squealed when he used her carseat as leverage to climb into the car.

"I was just touchin' sissy! Don't be so mean!"

"Away, Ben! Now."

"You are rude," he grumped, buckling his seatbelt. "You are a big rude meanie face, Averylin Grease!"

"No! Ben, no! Bad! Mama!"

"Avery, hush. Ben, don't call your sister names."

"But I thought it was clever!" he said, gently kicking his feet against the seat. "Averylin Grease."

"Ben, I say no. Avery GRACE!"

"You're not bein' very graceful right now Aves. S'ppose that's cuz you were named after Austin and she ain't graceful either."

"I Avery Grace," she whispered to herself, close to tears. "Avery Grace."

"It's Avery_lin_ Grace," Colton corrected. "Don't you know your name?"

Her face screwed up into one of absolute frustration and tears started to pour out of her eyes.

"Love Avery? No!"

"Boys you need to stop being so mean to your sister, right now."

"We're not being mean! I was just telling her what her name is!"

"I don't want to hear another word from any of you until we get to the store, alright?" Lindsay said finally, at the end of her rope. Adam reached over and squeezed her hand as he drove, understanding the frustration. Normally the kids were so good and pleasant and easily guided that when there were days like this, it was more difficult to deal with than it should have been.

"Hey kids you need to be on your best behavior today," Adam started, his voice one of no nonsense. "I know there are going to be a lot of things that you want to look at and things you'll want to buy, but today we are not getting anything for us, alright?"

"Who are we buyin' stuff for? I forgetted."

"We have some names of kids that won't get presents for Christmas, so we're buying presents for them. You each are in charge of finding things for one kid, okay?"

"Okay. But do we get presents for our birthdays?"

"Remember we're going to do something all together soon for your birthdays."

"Oh that's right! Well what about for our Christmas presents? What about those?"

"You'll still have some Christmas presents. We just don't need to be buying you everything in the world."

"Oh! Because there's starvin' kids in China?"

"Yeah, exactly."

Ben nodded and looked out the window while Avery continued to pout in the seat next to him, and Colton played with the calculator on his watch. They seemed to have mellowed out a little but that could all change as quickly as a gust of wind.

The parking lot was packed as it was only a few weeks before Christmas, and it took them forever to find a spot. They made their way through the snowy parking lot to the store where Adam and Lindsay immediately opted for a cart, without discussion because as hard as it would be to navigate, it would be easier to corral the kids if they had something to put them in.

"It's like herding fish," Adam said, lifting Ben in to the back of the cart while he kept one eye on Colton.

"Look at that family over there. I am counting seven kids and look how well behaved they are. How does that happen?"

"Patience. Lots and lots of patience."

"I suppose," she agreed, taking three paper angels out of her purse and looking them over. They'd picked one for each of the kids, making sure that the ages were close so they would be better able to pick out appropriate presents. The boys would be allowed to pick things out with little guidance, but Avery would need some help.

"Alright Colton, here's yours."

"This kid is named Ethan and he is seven and he likes cars. I could find him the perfect thing I bet! Come on, to the Hot Wheels section!"

They followed him across the store to the aisle that had all the cars in it, and he took it all in slowly, his jaw dropping.

"I never knew that there were so many car toys in the world," he breathed. "Look at this, a model car! And here is a garage for a bunch of cars! And look, a remote controlled one! How many can I get for Ethan?"

They had a price limit, but they didn't want to tell the kids that, so Adam helped to narrow Colton's focus a bit and in a few minutes they'd picked out a few things that Colton was really proud of.

"This kid Ethan is going to be so happy when he sees this present. I am glad I got it for him. Ben, what are you gonna get for your kid?"

"I don't know. I can't read what this says."

"Here, I will help you. It is for a boy named Logan and he likes to read and he likes cowboys and he is five."

"I could get him a book and also some toy cowboys! Hurry and push the cart over there, mama!"

Ben was just as excited to pick things out as Colton had been, if a little more indecisive. Things went into the cart and back out again several times before he finally decided on a Play-Mobile set and a stack of books about animals. He was very pleased with his decisions and sat back in the cart, looking at the books carefully, secretly wishing he could have them too.

"Alright, let's find something for Avery's kid."

"I will read this one too," Colton offered. "This is a girl that is two and her name is Kayla and she like princesses and playing house. Aves, what do you want to get for this girl Kayla?"

"A sandwich," Avery answered plainly with a shrug.

"Great, this is gonna take a long time, huh?"

"Nah, mama will help her. Let's see if we can navigate our way over to the girl toys."

Avery sang happily in gibberish at the top of her lungs as they walked, clapping her hands when they went down an aisle that was totally pink. She stopped her singing and looked around solemnly, as if she was suddenly in the holiest of places.

"Oh mama," she breathed, looking around. "See?"

"I know."

"Hey Aves, here is a princess thing! It's a tea set like Sarah has! Do you want to get that for Kayla?"

"No. That," she said, pointing up high on a shelf at a package of plastic food and toy cookware. Adam pulled it down and let her look at it and she nodded in approval.

"Mine?"

"No honey, this is for someone else. It's a present."

She scrunched her face up in confusion but nodded anyway as Ben pointed out a Rapunzel doll.

"Sissy, this could be your second thing, huh? You like that movie with the girl with the long hair?"

"Oh yes Ben!"

"You want to get this for Kayla?"

"Yep."

"Okay, looks like we're all done. Ready to check out?"

"Wait mama! We never got nothin' for Dunner for his birthday is today!"

"We already got him a present last week, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Okay, let's go."

They got in the very long line to check out and realized they were going to be there for quite a while. Kids were screaming all around them, Colton was getting overwhelmed at the noise, Ben was begging to go join the kids playing at the train table, and Avery was no longer happy to sit in the cart and wait.

"Sweetie, it's going to be just a little while longer. Be patient."

"No mama. Avery out."

"I can't let you out honey, we'd never see you again. Here, want to play with my phone?"

"Ah!" she said happily, grabbing for the phone. She was soon distracted by the games on it and she would probably stay quiet until they took it away from her.

Finally it was their turn at the register and Colton put things on the conveyor belt while Ben predictably chattered to the cashier.

"We got these toys for some kids for Christmas. They might not get much so we're makin' their Christmas brighter. That is a very nice thing and mama and daddy is doin' this to teach us how to be giving to people. Because we are lucky to have the things what we got."

"Oh I see. Well I know these presents are going to make some kids very happy."

"Yep, that's the whole reason! When we go home we are going to wrap the presents and then we will take them back to the police station where we got the angels from, so our police friends can take the presents to the kids! Isn't that a good idea miss?"

"I think it's a very good idea."

"Well, see you next year when we do the same! Bye miss!"

They headed out of the store and Colton started to breathe a little easier now that there weren't so many people around. Avery was getting tired and Lindsay carried her to the car while Adam carried the bags and held the boys hands.

"That was fun," Colton said as they got back into the car. "I want to do that again."

"We'll do it again next year."

"Mama, could we pick out more kids next year? Maybe we could pick out one more kid and he could have my presents."

"Colton, you don't have to give up your presents."

"Well could we save up some extra money for this whole year and then buy presents for lots of kids? I want a lot of kids to be happy at Christmas. Because I know how sad the rest of their lives might be."

Neither Adam nor Lindsay knew what to say to that, and even if they did, there was no way they could say it without their voices cracking with pride.

"I would like to pick more kids too," Ben said with a smile. "Because it makes them happy and you know what? I am happy too! All my angry feelin's from this morning are gone! They just went all away because we done something nice. Even sissy is not screamin' no more."

Avery giggled and patted Ben's head when he leaned it on her carseat. It definitely was a change from that morning.

"Hey babe, not to sound braggy or anything, but I think we're doing a really good job."

"I agree."

* * *

"Hey Cole, you want the rest of the candies in my bowl?" Ben asked, showing him the few M&M's that were left from their popcorn and candy snack.

"No thanks Ben. I'm full."

"Okay. Anyone else want these candies?"

Everyone else refused, so Ben set the bowl on the coffee table, then returned to his spot on the floor.

"Can I call Dunner now to say happy birthday to him?" he asked hopefully. "Please mama?"

"Why don't you go in the other room and try and Skype with him for a bit."

"Okay!"

He jumped up off the floor and ran into the other room and Avery ran after him, not sure what he was doing, but she wanted to be included anyway.

"So now that we're done with these presents, can we decorate our Christmas tree?" Colton asked. "Then we can put the presents under there until we take them back."

"Bud, I think mama and I are too tired to decorate the tree tonight."

"But yesterday when we got it you said we could decorate it today."

"I know. Maybe after dinner we'll do it."

"Can we have dinner then?"

"We're too tired to make dinner."

"Oh fine, I will do it, but you will have to be happy with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches."

He hopped off the couch and went into the kitchen while Lindsay's jaw dropped slowly.

"I can't believe he's old enough to make dinner. I am so using this to my advantage."

"Don't go too gusto about it or he's going to catch on."

"Yeah I know. I found that out with you."

"Hey, I do my part!"

"I know. And I appreciate it."

They fell into silence, listening to Ben and Avery's excited chatter on the computer and Colton's clunking around in the kitchen and knew that no matter how the day had started, the things they always wanted to teach the kids were actually sticking in their heads and coming out in their actions. There could be slip ups, but at the end of the day they knew what was important.

"Hey mama and daddy! Dunner wants me to spend the night for his birthday! Can I?"

"No honey, you have preschool in the morning."

"But Cole didn't go to school today!"

"That's because it was a day off today for teacher's meetings," Colton answered.

"But… mama!"

"We'll let you do something with him this weekend, okay Ben?"

"Okay," he sighed. "But you had better break the news."

Lindsay stood up from the couch and went into the other room, finding Junior staring back at her from the computer screen.

"Well aunt Lin? Could Binyin come over?"

"I'm sorry guy, not tonight."

"But it is my birthday you know."

"I know, but he has school in the morning and you would want to spend the whole day with him tomorrow, right?"

"Well yes."

"We can try and do something this weekend, alright? I'll owe you one."

"Could Binyin spend the night tomorrow? We could pick him up from his school!"

"That's a good idea. I'll talk to your ma later and we'll figure it out, alright?"

"Okay! Thanks aunt Lin! I am gonna go say neener neener to my sisters. Bye!"

He waved and signed out, leaving Lindsay to chuckle at his antics. There was really no mystery involved as to why the boys got along so well.

"Would you all come to the table, I made dinner!" Colton announced, setting five plates at their different spots. He'd even cut Ben's sandwich in half and Avery's into fours and given everyone the kind of jelly they liked the best.

"Oh my little chef," Lindsay chuckled, hugging him tightly and kissing his cheek. "How would you like to make dinner more often?"

"I wouldn't," he said plainly, squirming in her arms. "But I would like to eat this dinner right now, however."

She laughed and let him go, not sad in the least about how fast he was growing up because she was enjoying it so much.

"Hey Cole, you made mine with strawberry jelly! Thanks! Mama and daddy always give me grape and I don't like that kind much."

"I remembered. Because I like grape and not strawberry."

"What kind did sissy get?"

"I mixed hers. She will love it."

Avery had torn her sandwich apart and was licking the jelly off of it with a big grin on her face and by the way she was navigating it into her mouth, she would need a bath tonight, without a doubt.

"Sanks Coley," she said after a moment. "Avery like."

"I'm glad you do. Well, eat up mama and daddy! We have that tree to decorate!"

There was a lot of laughing around the table as they ate together, the boys telling them stories about school and Avery chiming in when she could add a word to the conversation. They sat there for a long time after they were all done, just enjoying each others company, not feeling the rush of having to do anything next.

"Is it going to snow soon?" Ben asked suddenly, looking out the window. "I would like to play in it and teach sissy to make a snowball. Because she can throw things far. I comed to find that out when she throwed my shoe at my face yesterday."

"Yep!" Avery giggled, slapping her soggy, spitty pieces of bread back together.

"Well, why don't we get you kids in a bath and pajamas and then we can decorate the tree."

"Yes!" the boys chorused together, leaving the table and running upstairs, most likely shedding their clothes on the way so they could get into the bathtub faster. Avery turned and rolled off the side of her chair, then toddled off to join her brothers.

"If you want to clean the kids up, I'll go down to the basement and get our Christmas stuff out."

"Good plan. I'll send the boys down when they're done so they can help you put the lights up."

Adam went downstairs and Lindsay went upstairs, finding the kids all standing in the bathroom, watching as the tub filled up. She checked the water and adjusted the temperature, then sent Colton into the small shower, and plopped Avery and Ben into the tub. They splashed around happily and Ben pointed out places that Avery needed to be washed better because she had "lots of dirt in her skin lines."

Once all three kids were clean and dressed, they headed down stairs where Adam was just finished unraveling the lights for the tree. He showed the boys just how to string the lights and they followed his directions carefully while Avery watched silently, hear head tipped to the side in confusion. She didn't know what was going on or why they had a tree inside but her brothers were happy about it so it couldn't be all bad.

Once the lights were up they took their time putting all the ornaments on, Adam and Lindsay telling stories about the special ones. Colton could almost reach the highest branches of the tree and Ben was really good at finding sturdy branches for the heavier ornaments. Avery just liked looking at everything, especially the ceramic ornament with her baby picture on it.

"Alright, time for the angel. Come here Tink, it's your job to put it on top."

Avery's eyes grew wide at the sight of the tree topper and she clapped as Adam lifted her onto his shoulders. He handed the angel up to her and she looked it over before letting Lindsay help her place it on top.

"Avery do it!" she giggled, her hands clenched in excitement. "See me?"

"Good job sissy! That angel looks great!"

Avery nodded as Adam set her back on the floor and she took her brothers hands.

"Avery love us," she said with a wistful smile. "Lights?"

"Alright, here we go," Adam said, turning off the overhead lights and flipping the switch for the tree. The kids all gasped and marveled at the glittering lights, something of wonder that could only be ascribed to this season. The looked it over for quite a while until it was time for bed, then trudged up the stairs chattering about the upcoming holiday and how excited they were for it. Despite their enthusiasm, it didn't take long for the boys to settle down and climb into bed. They were both yawning when Adam shut the lights off and he thought Lindsay would meet him in the hallway, but he could still hear her talking to Avery in the other room.

"Yes, it will be just mama and Avery tomorrow morning."

"Play?"

"Of course we'll play. Maybe we'll go outside for a bit."

"Okay mama."

"Now, it's time for sleep."

"Daddy, kiss?"

Adam obliged and she giggled when he rubbed his beard over her cheek.

"Mama kiss?"

"Okay, but then it's time for sleep."

"Night-night mama daddy."

"Goodnight Averylin. We love you."

"Love also."

The turned the light off and crept out of the room, going back downstairs to finish decorating. It didn't take long; they decided to keep the snow globes boxed up because there was really no mystery as to what would happen to them. Once they were done they sat down on the couch together, enjoying the quiet and stillness.

"I think this is perfect."

"I do too. Everything is always perfect, even when it's not."

"Linds have I ever mentioned that sometimes you don't make sense?"

"Yes, but you usually agree with me anyway."

"Yeah, because even if it doesn't make sense, I know you're right."

"I've waited years to hear you say that."

He smiled and gave her a squeeze, not caring about any of the not so perfect times, because they didn't matter nearly as much as this one right now.


	224. Chapter 224

A/N: Occasionally I still discover things about them that I didn't know before.

* * *

Trying to frost four cakes, talk on the phone, clean up the dining room and keep the kids out of the kitchen all while keeping her sanity intact was not working very well and she knew she was going to have to figure out another way to do this. Putting her hand over the phone she told the kids to clean up the dining room and then help Adam put the laundry away. They were so hyper that they didn't argue and she could go back to her conversation and frosting the cakes.

"Okay Stell, sorry. The kids are insane today."

"Winter cabin fever," came the amused voice from the other end of the line. "It's so nice and warm down here."

"Not funny, Bonasera. Get your keister up here and battle the snow with us."

"Can't do that right now, but we're planning a spring trip."

"We? You mean we might finally get to meet this man of your dreams?"

"Yes, but if you and Austin pull out a bright lamp and play good cop/bad cop, I will disown you both."

"Threat received and ignored."

"Lindsay!"

"What? We love you, and we would like to love him too, but we've got to put the fear of God into him so we can see his true colors."

"Well alright then. I am pretty sure he can stand up to whatever you dish out."

"Are you guys going to ever have a real wedding? I mean, I know you've signed all the papers but none of us got to be there."

"I know. We just didn't really want to make a big thing out of it. Maybe we'll all have a nice dinner when we're up there."

"Okay, I guess that's good enough. How are you liking the step-mom thing?"

"I love it. Savannah's the perfect child. There were some bumps in the beginning and we've run into some independent streaks, but with Jesse gone on the rig so much, we've kind of been forced into making it work."

"You sound really happy, Stell."

"I am. I never had a family like this, you know? Come home to the same place with the same people every day. It's what I've always wanted, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I didn't."

"I'm glad you got it."

"Me too. I've gotta go. Give the kids kisses for me."

"I will. We love you."

"Love you too. Bye Linds."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay sighed, noticing Avery creeping into the kitchen.

"Hey, what did I tell you about comin' in here Calamity Jane?"

"Uh…"

"Go help daddy."

"Sarah comin'?"

"Everyone will be here soon. Go help daddy please."

"Okay!"

She dashed off into the other room and Lindsay finished up with all four cakes, then used piped frosting to write the kids names on the tops. She couldn't think of something special for each kid this year, so she'd gone with four round cakes made into balloons. As long as they could eat it, they would be happy. She arranged it all on the counter and put the appropriate number of candles on each cake; eight for Colton, five for Ben and Junior and two for Avery.

"Hey babe, those look great," Adam noted, peeking over her shoulder. "They'll love them."

"I think so too. How are you doing?"

He shrugged and she turned around to hug him. It had been a long day for him with the kids and their energy and he hadn't woken up on a good side of the bed to begin with.

"I love you honey."

"I love you too."

"Can I do anything to make you feel better?"

"Can I lick that frosting spatula?"

She laughed and handed it to him.

"All is right with the world."

"Don't let the kids see you with that."

"Should I escape onto the back porch?"

"No, just eat it fast."

He cleaned the spatula and put it in the dishwasher just as the front door opened. The Messer kids streamed inside, shouting for their best friends and all six children soon ran upstairs to play.

"Hey Cupcake, you're winning Fantasy Football," Danny called into the kitchen. "I want to know what kind of voo-doo magic you're doin' on your picks."

"I'm havin' Linds pick for me," Adam answered, going to join Danny in the other room.

Lindsay chuckled and turned back to the counter, cleaning up the little frosting spills and making the room presentable again.

"Hey best friend that I haven't seen in weeks," Austin greeted, coming into the kitchen. "I'm about to hug the crap out of you. Be prepared."

"Oh my lord, it's the crush of death," Lindsay laughed, wondering if this was the force with which Austin took her suspects down.

"I missed you a lot."

"So much you want to see my intestines? Because you're about to."

"I love your guts, remember?"

Lindsay chuckled as Austin joined her at the sink, drying the few dishes that Lindsay had washed. They'd been running pretty much opposite schedules in the last few weeks and they'd seen each other in passing but they hadn't had more than a few minutes to really talk to each other. Not that they were saying much now either. Sometimes words were all superfluous and just standing there side by side was good enough.

"Ahmin!" Avery shouted happily, thundering into the room, her bare feet slapping against the wood floor. "My Ahmin!"

"My Avery," Austin laughed, scooping her up and kissing her cheek. "My goodness how big you are."

"My belly," she clarified. "Big."

"Yes it is but that's okay, you're still cute. And you have a lot of years before you need to be faced with body image issues."

"Yep," she agreed absentmindedly, spying the cake. "Oh look!"

"Nope you don't get any cake yet."

"Please mama?"

"Nope, after dinner."

"Okay. Sarah! Play!"

The girls ran off into the other room and Austin chuckled.

"I've missed your off-spring a lot. How's potty training going?"

"It's not. Everyone says that boys are way harder to train but she is proving to be the most difficult, stubborn, lover of diapers that I have ever known."

"Not a fan of the potty huh?"

"No. I even went out and bought a new princess potty chair that chimes when you press a button on it and I tell her she can have candy every time she goes, but she refuses. She'll walk in the bathroom and go in her diaper just to be defiant."

Austin was trying not to laugh but it was proving difficult because of the mental image of Avery's behavior.

"The boys were excited about it because they wanted to be big kids but she just says "No mama, Avery baby!" and waddles away, like that's the end of it."

"She's just like you."

"I know and I hate myself for that. Adam keeps telling me to not worry about it, wait a few weeks and try again, but I'm afraid if I quit trying I'll have to start all over again."

"You're frustrated."

"And annoyed. It wouldn't bug me so much if she didn't do it on purpose. She knows what she's doing because she smirks and nods every time."

"She's trolling you."

"She totally is! I'm going to see how she does tomorrow with Adam and if it's just a mother/daughter rivalry or what."

"Good luck with that one."

* * *

"But it's not fair!" Isa whined, flopping onto the couch. "Colt always gets to turn an age before I do!"

"That's cuz I was born first, Is."

"But I want to be older sometime."

"Well I don't know how we could fix that. Daddy, how could we make Isa older?"

"C'mere princess, I'll draw some wrinkles on you."

Isa giggled and rolled off the couch, shaking her hair out of her eyes.

"I know I can't really be the oldest, but it would be fun to see what it's like sometime."

"It's a lot of responsibility, Isa. I have to be a good example for all of you. I'm the one who gives out advice and stuff, you know?"

"Yeah. Maybe I would just like to be the boss."

"Isa," Colton said seriously, tipping his head to the side. "Between you and me, who do you think is the boss?"

"Me of course but only because you let me be."

"Well that's for sure," he muttered, following her up the stairs.

"Hey Dunner, who you think is the boss 'tween you and me?" Ben asked, tapping his crayon against his chin in thought.

"I don't know. I think neither one of us is the boss because we don't have any disagreements. We just always choose the same choices."

"Yeah, because we're best buddies."

"Binyin, you know we've been best buddies for five whole years? And for our whole lives?"

"Yeah! We done all our livin' together. Wanna go play on the computer? Daddy got us a new game called The Oregon Trail. It's real fun!"

"Alright."

"Well four down and two to go," Sarah sighed, watching the boys go. "Averylin, what do you want to do?"

"I stay daddy."

"Okay. I am going to go with Colton Matthew and Isa, alright?"

Avery nodded and rubbed at her eyes while Sarah went upstairs.

"Do you father units want to go in and do the dishes before they get crusty?" Austin asked hopefully, raising her eyebrows.

"I guess we'd better go do them now before you two hens start clucking any louder," Danny replied, standing up from the couch. "You guys have got to get a dishwasher."

"If a dishwasher dropped out of the sky and into my kitchen I would be praising all the fairies and butterflies and little lambs that romp the earth and make life wonderful," Lindsay joked, her voice wistful.

"Whatever, Montana."

Adam deposited Avery on the couch and she curled up between Lindsay and Austin, obviously ready for bed.

"So is everything okay with Adam?" Austin asked after a moment, running her fingers through Avery's hair. "He seems really different tonight. Quiet or… I don't know, just not himself."

"He had a hard day," Lindsay replied softly, inspecting Avery's toenails, then turning to grab the bottle of nail polish that she remembered seeing in the drawer of the side table. She shook it up and opened it, taking Avery's tiny foot in her hand and painting her toenails.

"Linds. There's more than that, isn't there?"

She stayed quiet for a moment, then sighed, knowing that what she was going to tell wasn't a secret and never had been but it was never exactly something they told people about either.

"When Adam was in college, he had this girlfriend, Heather. His first girlfriend, and they were pretty serious. They were together for a while but they eventually drifted apart. A few weeks after they broke up, he found out she'd had an abortion."

"What?"

"She was cheating on him, he never knew if it was his or not. It really bugs him sometimes, especially like today because he was not enjoying being with the kids at all and he just wanted to get out of the house. That makes him feel guilty because he tells himself that he should want to be with the kids all the time because at least he has them. He doesn't think about it that often, but some days it gets to him, that he could have had another child."

"Wow. I never would have guessed that."

"Yeah."

"How long have you known?"

"He told me the story a long time ago, before we were dating. Never told me names, just said what happened. Later when he told me about his past girlfriends, I didn't think that Heather was the one, but… anyway."

"Does that bug you? That he could have had a kid with someone else?"

"Not really, because I could have too."

"Lindsay, how do you still have secrets from me?"

"I thought I told you a long time ago. I had a pregnancy scare with Brian."

"Okay, you've got to let me get a grip on this real fast," Austin said, her eyes wide. "Wow. Just… wow. When did this thing happen with Brian?"

"Um, a couple months before we broke up. I put off taking a test for two weeks and the first test I took wasn't clear. I freaked out for a few more days before I took another test and it was negative."

"What would you have done?"

"Honestly, I think Brian and I would have gotten married. It would have been a bad idea."

"If you had been, how old would that kid be now?"

"Fourteen, almost fifteen."

"What about Adam? If Heather had kept that baby, what do you think would have happened?"

"They wouldn't have been together, but he would have been there for his kid. He or she would be graduating high school this year. Definitely, if things had gone differently neither one of us would have ended up here, never would have met, any of that."

"Wow. I thought I knew everything about both of you."

"Sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. I just...sometimes I forget that you guys had adult lives before you even moved here. I guess I feel like all of us have grown up together."

"In the most important ways I think we have."

"Adam is old enough to have an 18 year old kid."

"I know. I married an old codger."

"Do you guys ever talk about this?"

"The fact that he's old?"

"No."

"The rest of it? No, we don't. Like I said, he doesn't dwell on it much, I haven't thought about what happened with Brian in years. None of it has much bearing on our lives now."

"I can't imagine what it's like. To know your husband has been in relationships with people other than you."

"It's not fun, that's for sure. We try to leave it in the past and for the most part it stays there, but I still wish none of it had ever happened."

"Lindsay, you know you can tell me things like this right? I mean, I'm not asking you to betray Adam's trust or anything like that, but if you don't talk about it together… neither one of you are good at holding things in."

"I know. When we first got married, it actually came up more often. I was insecure sometimes, thinking that he would regret settling down with me when there were others out there. He thought I was always comparing him to what I'd known in the past. We weren't as good at talking back then, so there was a lot of silence about it and a lot of wondering on both ends."

"How long did that last?"

"A couple years. It wasn't all the time, we didn't just walk around with that hanging over us every day. I don't want you to think that. It was just… when we had arguments or if we'd been busy and couldn't spend time with each other, those thoughts started to creep in. Now that we know everything, it doesn't really affect it anymore. At least not in the way that it used to."

"My mind is kind of blown here. That had to have been so hard on Adam, what Heather did to him. He didn't even know about it, he didn't have a choice in it or anything."

"I know. I don't think she did it to hurt him, I think she was scared and maybe didn't even know if Adam or the other guy would stick around, and I kind of understand, but it hurts Adam, so it hurts me too."

"He holds onto guilt for things that he had no control over."

"Yeah, he does. I wish I could change that, but I think that a lot of it is how compassionate he is, and I don't want to change that part of him."

"You married a very good man."

"So did you. I always think of Danny as a bad boy because that's how he seemed when I met him, but he really is just a fuzzy pink bunny, isn't he?"

"I'm telling him you said that."

"Go right ahead. It's better than the time I called him Danielle for three weeks and told him to get off the rag."

"Linds, you're mean to him."

"Only because I know he can take it."

Avery sat up and sighed, looking from one of them to the other, chewing on her finger and sighing.

"What's the matter honey?"

"Snuggle?"

"Yes, I'll snuggle you. Come here."

Avery gave a little smile and climbed into her mama's lap, curling up contentedly and closing her eyes. It was a little early for her to be tired, but she'd been up a few times in the night and hadn't taken a nap, so maybe she just needed to reset her clock. It was preferable for her to fall asleep early, rather than become a whining, screaming, exhausted child fifteen minutes from now.

"Can we stunt her growth a little?" Austin whispered. "I don't think I'm ready to not have a baby around here."

"I know. I'm having a hard time letting her grow up. I'd still be nursing if teeth didn't freak me out so bad."

Austin snorted knowing it was an exaggeration, but not a huge one. It was always hard to let the kids grow up, whether it was the first or the last.

"Can I hold her?" Austin asked after a moment, holding her arms out for the baby. Lindsay nodded and handed her daughter over, then draped a blanket over her.

"So I guess since you spilled some stuff, it's my turn."

"Oh yeah, you've got stuff to spill?" Lindsay asked with a giggle. "Like what, you used to sneak over and short-sheet Danny's bed?"

"I did that once when I was seven for your information and just for that snark I'm going to tell you a secret you're not going to like."

"Oh great."

"Okay, when you very first moved here, Danny and I were broken up. He used to talk about you all the time."

"He did?"

"Yeah. I thought it meant he liked you or something, but it was just because you were the first person he'd ever met that talked about skinning a deer like it was no big deal. But at the time I thought you were competition, so before I even met you, I really hated you."

"You did? When did you stop?"

"I never really stopped."

"Austin!"

"It didn't last long. Danny and I worked things out, I realized I didn't have to worry about it and I figured I could tolerate you."

"How kind of you."

"Hey, you would have hated anyone that you thought was a threat to you and Adam."

"Yes I would have."

"It's kind of funny to think about back then. Before we were all friends, when we just worked together. I mean, logically, you and I should not even be friends."

"Don't speak such blasphemy. But yeah, I know what you mean."

"If it weren't for a shared love of coffee, we might not be."

"That's scary."

Austin gave a little smile while she thought over everything she'd just heard. It was sad to think about Adam being betrayed like that, a guy who had done nothing to deserve such treatment. He would have made a great dad even back then and it really didn't surprise her that he went out of his way to raise his kids with the knowledge of how much he loved them. She'd always been impressed with the way he parented, so unlike his own father and while most of it was just because of the person he was, she could see now that some of it stemmed from the hurt from so long ago. She understood some of that feeling of loss and how it translated into the way she was with her own kids. She and Adam were a lot more alike than she'd ever thought.

* * *

"Can't we wrestle some more daddy?" Ben asked with a sigh as he was tucked into bed. "I really like doin' that a lot."

"It's time for bed right now, but we can wrestle later."

"Tomorrow? Could we tomorrow?"

"I have to work tomorrow, Ben."

He jutted out his lower lip and blinked hard a few times before rolling onto his side.

"You always have to work, daddy. Instead of playing with us. I hate it."

"I know. I hate it too."

"Is it because we were annoying today?" Colton asked softly. "When we were rowdy and didn't listen to you much? Do you want to go to work to be away from us?"

His tone wasn't accusatory but one of true inquiry and Adam's heart about plummeted to his feet at the question. It was hard to hide it when he got frustrated with them and he'd never been one about lying to his kids and acting like their behavior didn't affect him, but at the same time, he never wanted them to feel guilty or think that what they did was the only thing that controlled his mood. They needed to know that a bad day wasn't always their fault.

"Alright guys, we need to talk," he said, sitting down on Ben's bed. Colton threw his blankets off and joined them and they all sat in silence for a moment while Adam found his words.

"What happened today wasn't good. None of us were very patient with each other. I don't like when that happens any more than you do. I know sometimes you guys get carried away playing and it's hard to settle down, but I need you boys to do better at listening, okay?"

"We can try, daddy."

"And I'll try to tell you when I'm getting frustrated before I start talking so harshly to you, alright?"

"You really aren't annoyed at us daddy?"

"No, I'm not. Sometimes when we're all not getting along and we're not all on the same page I get a little discouraged because I don't want you guys to feel like that's how it's always going to be."

"It's not always like that daddy. Mostly we all have a lot of fun!" Ben assured with a smile.

"Yeah. You teach us a lot of important stuff and you always come up with good games. Maybe we need to appreciate that more, Ben. Because some kids don't got daddies like we got, you know."

"Yeah. Some daddies don't like to play with their sons. Some daddies just like to do the taxes."

Colton nodded in agreement while Adam chuckled.

"I just want you boys to know that I love you more than anything and I would rather be here with you than anywhere else, even on bad days."

"We love you too, daddy!" Colton exclaimed, throwing his arms around Adam's neck. "You are the best daddy ever. We'll try to do better."

"Yeah, we are lucky for you are the only daddy in the world what could love us so much!"

He chuckled and pulled Ben into his arms too, hugging them both tightly. He was glad they were so quick to understand and forgive him and he wished that he would never have to ask for it again, but he knew that he would still make some mistakes occasionally.

"Alright buds, time for bed."

"Could we play when you get home tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I'll be looking forward to it all day long."

"We will too! Mama likes to play with us, but she doesn't like wrestling much. She always turns it into a cleaning up game."

Adam laughed and tucked both boys back into bed kissing them goodnight and telling them how much he loved them one more time before slipping out of the room and crossing the hall to check on Avery. She was deep in sleep already, her blanket pulled up to her chin and her arms crossed over her chest, the same way Lindsay slept when she was especially tired. He leaned down and kissed her cheek a few times, holding her hand and watching her sleep for a while. He wanted to lay down and cuddle with her but he knew that would wake her up, so he kissed her cheek again and headed downstairs. Lindsay was just finishing cleaning up the kitchen and he helped her silently until everything was washed and put away and tomorrows' dinner was marinating in the fridge.

"So, you want to head to bed or live on the wild side and stay up another hour?" she asked with a little twinkle in her eye.

"I don't know. What's your idea of the wild side?"

"I'm not sure. What do you want to do?"

"Um… we could watch a movie."

"That's longer than an hour, we'd fall asleep. We could play cards."

"Last time we played cards babe, you chucked the deck and me and accused me of sleeping with the queen."

"Well we could play Clue."

"Babe, we play Clue for a living, plus, didn't Avery eat Colonel Mustard?"

"Oh yeah."

"How about Mario Kart?"

"Avery sat on our second controller."

"Dang it. Want to just watch some TV?"

"There's nothing on."

He stretched out on the couch and sighed, crooking his arm behind his head while he thought.

"Why don't you go upstairs and I'll make something to eat and bring it to you as a surprise," he suggested finally, watching her rearrange the pillows on the other couch.

"You did that last week and it ended with jelly burritos," she laughed, settling down against his chest and reaching her hand up to trace over his lips. "You know I think we could spend the next hour just discussing what we should do with this hour, when the whole time the important part was that we discussed for an hour."

Adam gave her a huge smile and crooked his finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"What in the world did I do to deserve you Linds?"

"Nothing honey. You were just you."

She leaned up and kissed him, putting an end to his wonderings, at least for the time being. She never tired of reassuring him of his worth, and he never tired of returning the gestures either. It was moments like this when no matter the strength of the pain of the past and the betrayal of others, everything was right, everything was okay, and nothing could ever go back to the way it had been before they'd stumbled into each other's lives. Together were more permanent than any harm that had been done and each minute that ticked by, each hour they spent simply in the presence of the other only heightened that power and deepened that bond. Together they really could chase it all away.


	225. Chapter 225

Christmas came a lot faster than expected and it was late on Christmas eve before the presents were even pulled out of the closet to be wrapped. Adam's parents and sister had flown in the day before and life had been loud and crazy since then, and remembering to wrap the presents hadn't crossed anyone's mind. That is to say it hadn't crossed the mind of any of the adults, but the kids were chomping at the bit to wrap the presents they'd picked out for their siblings.

Avery got to go first, and was very excited to sit with her mama and daddy, and stick the tape in the places they told her to. She babbled on and on about Coley and Ben and she loved them and these were presents for them. Adam took her hand and helped her to write names on the tags of the presents and she bounced up and down gleefully when everything was done.

"Presents, secret," she said, putting one finger to her lips. "No say."

"We won't tell honey, I promise."

"Mama, Avery presents for you?"

"Daddy and I got presents for each other. We'll have things to open."

"Oh. Daddy, you get mama?"

"I can't tell you what I got for mama, she's sitting right here!"

Avery giggled and climbed down from the bed, smoothing out the wrinkles in Adam's old t-shirt that she wore and insisted was a "beau'ful dress."

"Can you go downstairs and tell Ben that it's his turn to wrap presents?"

"Yup! Avery do that."

She practically skipped out of the room and down the stairs and after a moment they heard her yell for Ben.

"She's turning into quite the little diva isn't she?" Adam chuckled, finding the presents Ben had picked out and setting them on the bed.

"Yeah. I don't know where she gets it."

He laughed and pulled her into his arms, unable to resist the fleeting moment alone with her.

"You're so naïve. It's cute."

"I know, I am pretty cute," she replied, lifting an eyebrow. "I bet you don't know how cute I could be."

"You always keep me guessing," he agreed with a smile, before leaning down to kiss her. They were interrupted by a clearing throat and tapping toes from the doorway. Ben stood there with his arms crossed over his chest, staring them down over the top of his glasses.

"Excuse me but I thinked I was invited up here?" he said after a moment. "This don't look invitin' for no one but you two."

"We were just killin' time until you got up here. Ready to wrap presents?"

"Yep. Guess I'd better sit 'tween you two or you'll be slobberin' all over each other. That's what Dunner says his mama and daddy do."

"Oh is that right?"

"Yep. Now, which present should we do first? I think I want to wrap Cole's first. I am envious of it so it would be best to cover it up."

"Where'd you learn the word envious, Ben?"

"From Jo-Jo. Tonight she telled us kids that when you want what someone else gots, that's envy and another word for jealous. I like that word. It sounds mean, like how envy is sometimes. She 'splained that to us too. She said that when we want somethin' because we don't want someone else to have it, that's mean jealousy and that's why it's envy instead."

"Jo sure is smart, isn't she?"

"Yep. I like when she tells us stuff like that. Now, help me cover up this present so I don't got envy no more."

They laughed and showed him how to wrap it and in a few minutes it was all done.

"Great, now I am ready to wrap sissy's present. I don't got no envy 'bout this one. I don't like girl dolls."

"Well aren't you going to play with it with her?"

"Yeah, but I got my boy doll. Remember the cabbage kid what was daddy's long ago?"

"Oh yeah."

"His name was Anthony back then, but I named him Howard. So if sissy wants to play dolls with this girl doll, then I will play too, but only with Howard. No girl dolls for me."

"So it's not that you don't like dolls, it's just that you don't like girl dolls."

"Yeah! Dolls teach ya how to be a good daddy so they're worthwhile. But girl dolls, you gotta dress them up. Boy dolls can wear the same clothes day after day. That's the difference."

"Oh, I get it."

"I guess if sissy really wanted me to play with her girl dolls, I would do it for her. I do love her quite a bit after all."

"Well that's good. She loves you too."

"I know by the way she sometimes in the night comes and cuddles in my bed with me when she is scared. And how she pats my cheek when I'm distressed."

"Yeah, you ended up with a pretty good brother and sister, didn't you?"

"Yep. And I know I am a good brother because I love them a lot. You think this present is wrapped good?"

"Yes, it looks great."

"Thanks for helpin' me. I'll go tell Cole it's his turn."

He hopped off the bed and ran out of the room and a few minutes later, Colton came up.

"Why'd you take your shirt off buddy?"

"I got hot," he replied with a shrug. "We ready to wrap presents?"

"Yeah, sure."

He climbed up on the bed with them and concentrated hard on wrapping the presents, not saying much as he folded and refolded the paper a few times before he was satisfied.

"There. I did a good job," he decided, picking a small piece of tape off of his finger and leaning back on the bed, his arms behind his head. "Remember at our little apartment how me and Ben had those glow stars on our ceiling?"

"Yeah, I remember," Lindsay said, laying back with him. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just remembering when we lived there. It was nice back then."

"You don't like this place?"

"I do like it. A lot. And I'm glad we have Aves now too. But sometimes I remember the old apartment and I think about how I was a little kid when we lived there. And ever since we've been in this house, I feel more like a grown up. How come that is?"

"Well buddy, it's probably because since we've lived here you've grown up a lot. You started school, you learned to tie your shoes and ride a two wheeler. You've had to do a lot of brave things, son. That's why you feel more grown up."

"Oh. Could maybe… maybe we could get some stars to put on mine and Ben's ceiling again? Just for old times sake? And maybe so… so Ben will feel like a little kid for longer?"

"I think that's a good idea. Maybe daddy could help you put them up so they look exactly like the night sky. How would that be?"

"That would be great! I'm going to go and tell Ben!"

He jumped off the bed and ran out of the room while Adam and Lindsay stayed where they were, laying against the pillows amid bits of wrapping paper, tape, and a few pairs of scissors.

"You know, we've got sixteen years left before all our kids are adults," Adam mused quietly. "Does that seem like a long time or a short time?"

"Depends on the day," she said with a smile. "For now I am going to call it a short time. Let's go downstairs and set out some milk and cookies for the man in red."

"You know my dad is going to eat it, right?"

"Yeah. I figured we could leave a shredded cotton ball on the plate and tell the kids it's beard hair."

"I thought we could put some soot around the hearth and tell them Santa pushed it out on his way down."

"I think we have way more fun having kids than most people do."

He chuckled and held his hand out for her and they went downstairs. The kids were running wild, so excited for the holiday and that they had guests that they could barely contain themselves.

"Hey check out how I can jump over the coffee table!" Ben announced, launching himself from the arm of the couch straight for the coffee table. Adam caught him halfway down, saving him from certain injury.

"Ben, you know better than that. No stunts when mama's home. It gives her heart palpitations."

"Oh brother," Lindsay sighed, pulling a singing Avery out from behind the tree. "Honey, you look very festive with tinsel in your hair but there's not really room for you back there."

"I chubby," Avery agreed with a nod.

"Yes, you are. Are you ready to unwrap your Christmas Eve present now?"

"Oh present! I sit Hannah!"

She climbed up onto the couch and into Hannah's lap, smiling widely and clapping her hands.

"Now present, mama. Now present."

"Very astute, honey. Now is also the present," Adam chuckled, finding the three presents under the tree.

"No daddy. Present. In hand."

"Oh, you want the present I have in my hand?"

"Yes!"

The boys clambered up onto the couch too, both knowing that they were going to get Christmas pajamas, because that's what they got every year. They were still excited to see it and the way Avery was clapping her hands and kicking her legs made them play into it a lot more.

"I turn!" she hollered, wanting to go first. Adam handed her the present and she turned it over in her hands for a moment before Hannah showed her where to start ripping.

"Oh jammies! What that?"

"That's a moose," Hannah chuckled, tracing over the design on the thermal pajamas.

"Moose. Roar!"

"Moose don't roar," Colton said with a shake of his head. "They… um… mama what do mooses do?"

"They kind of grunt I guess."

"Aves, mooses grunt."

"Oh. Moose grunt," she repeated with a nod. "Boys have jammies?"

"Yep we do!" Ben said, ripping into his package. "Hey, I got a moose on mine too! I like the look of this moose!"

"We all got mooses! Let's go put them on!"

They boys dashed upstairs with Avery hot on their heels, displaying much less finesse than her brothers. She had gotten pretty good at dressing herself at least in pajamas and they boys could help her if she got stuck so they would all be fine on their own.

"I thought Christmas pajamas were supposed to have Christmas things on them," Sharon chuckled, picking up the wrapping paper that Ben had left on her lap.

"Well with normal kids that might be the case, but the boys will refuse to wear the pajamas any other time if they're too Christmasy."

"Hmm, sounds like someone else I know."

"Mom, it just didn't feel right wearing a Santa shirt in the middle of March!"

"Yeah, but you didn't have to protest it so vehemently."

"What did you do, honey?" Lindsay chuckled turning her gaze on him.

"I ran around naked for a day in rebellion."

"Why am I not surprised? I should never wonder where our children get their weird behavior."

"I won't deny it. I've got weird genes and I passed them on!" Adam agreed with a laugh.

"We got our jammies on," Ben announced from the top of the stairs. "We're coming down to show you!"

The boys hopped down the stairs and showed off their matching pajamas, while Avery thunked down the stairs behind them. Her feet slapped against the floor as she walked over to the doorway, hollered some gibberish and did a Sumo stance, her face one of total seriousness. They all laughed at her as she checked out her little muscles and stomped her feet a few times before clapping her hands and running to jump up on the couch with a little laugh.

"I think we'd better start getting you kids ready for bed. We don't want Santa to pass over and think we don't celebrate Christmas."

Ben's eyes grew wide and he rushed upstairs while Colton just chuckled and followed him. They'd never believed in Santa, but they liked to make a game of it for Avery. They'd been talking about Santa for weeks and she now knew that it was something very exciting, but she wasn't sure why.

"Mama, Santa?"

"Yeah, we'd better get you to bed."

"Hannah tuck?"

"Sure, I'll tuck you in. Come on babe."

"Hey, if Aves if gettin' special tuck ins, we want one too!" Colton hollered. "Grampa and Gigi need to come up here please!"

"You've been summoned," Adam chuckled as they stood up from the couch and headed upstairs.

"Our stairs have been getting quite the workout today," Lindsay commented softly

"I know. I'm exhausted and we still have to put presents out, and put Avery's kitchen thing together."

"Well maybe your dad can help you with that," she replied with a little yawn, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"It might be comical if we try it now."

"Like when we had to put Avery's new bed together? I still can't find that screwdriver."

"We make pretty neat kids but we're not really good at constructing anything else together."

"I know, it is our one marriage downfall."

He laughed and cuddled her close, kissing the top of her head. They knew they had more things in their marriage that could be better, but it was okay to tease about perfection sometimes. Especially when the mood was light and the future seemed so clear.

* * *

"Oh goodness!" Avery exclaimed, twirling around in delight as she looked at the kitchen set that was by the tree. "Oh _goodness_!"

"Wow sissy, that's awesome!" Ben said, looking at the toy and nodding in approval. "It has a oven!"

Avery opened the oven and squealed happily when she found dishes inside. There was fake food in the fridge and it was with trembling hands that she put on the apron that was made just to her size.

"Do you like it honey?"

"Avery so like," she breathed, setting a frying pan on the stove. "Make eggs now."

"Sissy, I bet you will be a real good cook for you really know what you like!"

"Yep! Anyone bacon?" she asked, sniffling the last of her happy tears away and wiping her hands on her apron.

"I think I'd like some bacon Avery," Dave said, giving her a grin.

"Okay grampa."

She pretended to cook for a minute, then handed him a strip of fake bacon.

"I make. You like. Okay?"

"Okay honey."

She beamed and ran back to the kitchen, getting completely lost in her little world, humming to herself and putting different foods in all the dishes. She even made sound effects.

Ben and Colton were soon ripping into their presents, hollering excitedly at what they got. Ben was beside himself with a remote control robot and Colton had already opened the trunk of _Harry Potter_ books and was reading the first one. They didn't have any other presents to open, but they had stockings, which hung forgotten above the fireplace.

"I think you guys are going to have a hard time topping this one next year," Sharon chuckled.

"Yeah. They're easy kids to buy for."

"Didn't you two get each other anything?"

"Yeah, we'll do ours after breakfast. Makes the day last longer."

"Oh no! Eggs burn!" Avery hollered, whipping her potholder through the air before dropping the small frying pan in the sink, then making the sound of water pouring over it.

"Guess she learned that from daddy," Colton commented, his nose buried in his book.

"Hey dude!"

"What? She did!"

"Yeah daddy, Cole says the truth. You burn things lots. Even the other day you spilled my cereal onto the stove."

"Thanks for rattin' me out Ben."

"You're welcome daddy! Anytime, I am glad to help."

"My sarcasm skills are lost on him."

"Poor Adam."

"Hey kids what do you think about having some breakfast and then we'll go play outside?"

"Can I take my dinosaur?"

"Can I read my books?"

"I cook in snow!"

"I think you just got rejected babe," Lindsay chuckled as the kids all went back to their new toys.

"They don't understand the importance of quality time," Adam said, even though they really did understand it.

"Hey kids, what if I come out and play in the snow with you?" Dave asked.

"Yeah! Let's go!"

"Wait!" Lindsay shouted, making all three kids stop in their tracks. "You need to get dressed first and eat breakfast. Then you can go out."

"Aw mama!"

"It's going to be cold out there you know. It snowed two more inches last night."

"More inches!" Colton and Ben whooped in unison, jumping up to look out the window.

"You shouldn't have said that, Linds. Now they're going to be chomping at the bit to get out there."

"I guess we're both failing today."

"Hey, at least we're failing together."

* * *

They spent almost an hour eating breakfast, not wanting to rush the day too much. The boys were happy to hear stories about Adam when he was little, and Avery kept asking how to make everything on her plate. They obviously weren't upset to not be outside just yet, but the second Adam told them that there were more presents to open they all groaned.

"But daddy, us kids already got our presents. Why do we gotta watch all you grown-ups open yours?"

"Because it's polite."

"But-"

"Listen to your daddy. And help me clear the table."

"Oh man mama, you gotta wash the dishes too?"

"Well what are we going to eat on for lunch if I don't?"

Colton sighed and started to gather plates while Avery jumped out of her chair and ran into the other room.

"Dishes," she said, bringing in an armload of her metal toy dishes. "Avery make. Mama wash."

"I don't think so, baby bird. You've got a sink in that kitchen, you can wash them in there."

"My hands!" Avery sighed, going back into the living room forlornly.

"Where does she come up with the things she says?" Sharon asked with a laugh.

"From her mother," Adam answered, pinching Lindsay's knee under the table.

"Maybe so. Now, who is going to help me with these actual dirty dishes?"

"No one. You're going to leave them in the kitchen and I'll do them later."

Lindsay agreed and soon breakfast was cleaned up and they had all congregated around the fire again. Dave and Sharon exchanged their presents, just small sentimental things that really only meant something to them. Hannah had been spoiled with the things she'd gotten and they were going to have to ship some of her books back to Arizona as they'd had them sent to New York when they'd ordered them, and not thought about the added weight in their luggage.

Adam and Lindsay had agreed to go small this year, as they promised every year, but both of them were holding back gifts that had been in the works for several months. They were definitely both excited about the gifts and had almost slipped up and told each other what they were getting several times.

"I've got to go get yours, it's hiding somewhere," Lindsay said, standing up from the couch. "Be right back."

She went upstairs and found the oddly shaped package in Avery's closet, then headed back downstairs, finding a large box sitting in the middle of the room, and the kids inspecting it closely.

"But what is it, daddy?"

"I can't tell you. You're just going to have to wait and see."

"But it's so huge. Did you spoil mama rotten?"

"I guess we'll just have to see."

"Whoa mama, that's a funny lookin' present! What's in there?"

"Something for daddy."

"Well, are you going to open them?"

"Sure we are. Daddy first."

"Are you sure babe?"

"Yes. I've had this hidden for six months. I'm very impatient."

He chuckled as she handed the gift to him. He looked it over for a moment, then ripped into it, finding that everything inside was wrapped separately, but it was very obvious that one item was a new hockey stick.

"But… babe… I don't even play anymore."

"Because you insist that you don't miss it, but I know you do. Now you have all new gear and no excuse."

"Really?"

"Yes. As soon as the streets are clear, you're playing."

"Thanks Linds."

She gave him a bright smile and he kissed her softly. He didn't know that she knew how badly he wanted to play and how much he wanted to do something that was just his own. He tried to downplay it, but the truth was that it would be nice to get out of the house just for fun sometimes.

"I've never seen you play hockey, daddy! I didn't even know you could do sports! This is pretty cool!"

"I don't like hockey," Ben noted with a shake of his head. "You don't get into the fights that they do on the TV do you?"

"Nah, I don't play that kind of hockey. Maybe sometime I'll let you guys come watch."

"Have you ever watched it mama?"

"Yes, I suffered through three different games before I realized he liked me whether I went or not and I didn't have to keep going to games just to keep up appearances."

"This is great babe, really."

"There's one more thing in there."

"Linds," he said opening the small package she'd indicated. "You got me a new watch."

"Yeah. You were always complaining about how your old one always knocked into things because it was too big and the face was all scratched. This one is a little smaller and it has a waterproof band on it, plus it's got a scratch-free face."

"You're awesome, do you know that?"

She just nodded and flipped the watch over so he could see the engraved _23_ on the back. He didn't need any explanation and he smiled, knowing that the thought she'd put into the gifts could only ever be fully appreciated by him, and the gifts themselves, while perfect in their own way, would never mean as much as the reasons for them.

"I do my best."

"Your turn now."

"I think it's going to take me days to unwrap this thing. What is it?"

"I can't tell you, just dig in honey."

She hesitated for a moment, then giggled and sliced the wrapping paper with her fingernail.

"Adam…" she said when she realized what it was. "You didn't."

"Yes I did."

"Where are we going to put it?"

"I'll figure it out."

"You got me a dishwasher. Really?"

"You always act like you don't want one, but a couple months ago you were saying how much you really did. So much time every day is taken up with washing dishes and this will give you more time to sneak into the pantry and eat chocolate and read a book or spend time with the kids or whatever you want to do. Plus it will make your hands pretty again. I didn't get you this as a woman in the kitchen joke, you know. I just want to free you up to do what you want sometimes."

She just stared at the appliance, her eyes watering because she never thought that something so practical would make her heart beat so fast. They'd never had a dishwasher in their entire marriage and for him to buy her one now said so much more than if he'd found her one years ago. She loved when they would do the dishes together and that didn't have to stop, but this would make things so much easier. No more dreading being in the kitchen and having to maneuver around dirty dishes. This really meant more to her than most people would ever understand.

"Oh mama. Wash Avery dishes in'nere?"

"I don't think so honey. Not right now at least."

"Well why don't you go ahead and look inside anyway?" Adam suggested.

"What did you put in there?"

"I don't know."

She smiled and opened the dishwasher, finding a brand new, charcoal black pea coat, the one she'd been eyeing since early fall.

"You are amazing."

"So are you."

They smiled together as the kids started to play and the room grew louder with happy chatter, knowing that the feelings they had in this moment had nothing to do with the money or the time that they'd spend planning gifts, but more with the time they'd spend learning each other and the work they put into their relationship every day. Neither one of them could possibly be happier.


	226. Chapter 226

Ben tapped his feet quickly on the floor as he awaited his turn for show and tell. It was his favorite part of preschool and even though he'd never found anything really good to show the kids, he loved to tell them stories. Right now one of the boys was talking about the new skates he'd gotten for Christmas and while Ben was really interested in it, he had half his mind on the story he was about to tell.

"Okay, thank you Kyle. Who wants to go next? How about Ben?"

He nodded happily and shot out of his seat, running to the front of the room and standing there proudly with his hands behind his back.

"The other day me and my best buddy Dunner went on what is called a guy date!"

"You went on a date with a boy?" one of the kids asked, confused.

"Yep! It's not a romantical date, just two buddies hangin' out! His daddy taked us to this place what's called _Hooters_. He taked us there to make our mamas mad. And it worked. But the milkshakes were pretty good. But today I want to tell you about Dunner. He is my most best friend. We've been friends since forever because we are the same age, and our mamas is best friends too. Dunner and me like to play together and tell each other our secrets. Sometimes I think that no one in this world really understands me much, but then I remember that I got my best friend Dunner! Here is some pictures of him that we taked last time he came over to my house."

He pulled one of Adam's old wallets from the waistband of his jeans and opened it, letting the plastic picture holder tumble out. Almost every picture was of Junior.

"I don't just got pictures of him in my wallet, there's pictures of my family too. But mostly of him because he is my closest friend. We made a promise to be best friends our whole lives, except we think that sometime when we're sixteen we will have a fight, probably about a girl. But we will become friends again after. The moron of this story is, keep your friends close and your best friends closer. The end!"

He skipped back to his seat happily and sat down, putting the pictures back in his wallet.

"Hey Ben," came a whisper from the boy next to him.

"Yeah Wyatt?"

"You're the weirdest kid I ever meeted."

"Why?" he asked, not wanting to dispute the fact, but wondering why he was being called out right now.

"Because you go on dates with a boy. You can't go on dates. You're only four!"

"It wasn't a romantical date and I'm five now!"

"How did you pay for it?"

"His daddy did! That's what I said."

"Well you're weird anyway."

"So what? Least people will 'member me. That's what my mama says. Our whole family is weird, so there! Every last one of us. Especially my sissy."

"Dunner isn't even a real name. Your friend is probably fake. No one would be friends with you. I don't believe you."

"I never said Dunner is a real name. That's just what I call him because I always called him that. And he always called me Binyin, what's not a real name but I am a real kid. His real name if you gotta know is Daniel Dominic Messer Jr. He is five and he like sports and his dad is Danny and his ma is Austin and he gots two sisters and a dog what's called Elvis! He's a real boy!"

"You can't have a friend, you're too bizzaro!"

"I do got a best friend you mean kid! And you will never have such a best friend like I do because you are not kind. And for that reason I feel sad for you."

"Whatever Ben. I always knowed there was something wrong with you. Ever since that time you cutted your own hair. I knew you were whack."

"So what if I'm wacky? I like bein' me and the people what love me the mostest like me too, just the way I are. So put that in your juice and drink it."

He turned back around, crossing his arms over his chest and trying to listen what his teacher was saying. He felt a little angry, but he also felt very good about the situation because he'd handled it so well. Everyone would be very proud of him.

* * *

"So Colton what was your high point of the day?" Adam asked as they all sat together to eat a late dinner.

"My high point was that I got all the words right on my spelling test. Even the words I wasn't sure of, I thought hard and remembered them pretty good. Sarah also did good on it and she was the only first grader that got only one wrong."

"What was your low point?"

"Um… I didn't really have one actually. Well maybe the low point was that we started something new in math and I had a hard time doin' it."

"Do you want me and mama to help you with it?"

"Maybe you can look at my homework and tell me if it's right. I did my best."

"Well your best is good enough for me."

"Oh! And something else I remembered. This isn't a high point or a low point of my day, it's just somethin' that happened. My teacher said that we're gonna have this 'sembly later this month about safety and she asked me and Sarah if we wanted to share anything with the other kids because I told her about how us kids took that special class on safety during the summer. And me and Sarah said maybe and we asked Isa at recess so now us three are going to maybe help with the 'sembly later. And my teacher said she would call you tomorrow to make sure it was okay. Would that be okay?"

"I think that's a great idea buddy," Adam said with a nod. "What do you think you guys will talk about?"

"We said that the most important thing is to teach kids how to get away if someone tries to take them. Remember all those things we learned? We can teach the kids those things. Sometimes it's scary to think about getting taked, but you have to know what to do in a crisis. That's what we learned. Is that a good idea mama?"

"Yeah, I think so. Maybe you guys can practice a few times before you do it."

"Yep, that's the plan. Now it's Ben's turn to talk. What was your high point Ben?"

"Well," Ben started, bored with the talk about Colton's day. "My high point was actually three of them. Firstest that I got to do show and tell today, secondest that me and sissy had really a lot of fun playing with her kitchen today, and thirdest that I got picked on for my very first time!"

"You got picked on?"

"Yep! I handled it quite well."

"That was your high point? That you got picked on?" Adam asked in disbelief.

"Yep! Because it means I am a more grown up kid now. Plus how I dealed with the whole thing. You'd been so proud of me, daddy. I telled that kid that he was mean and I didn't yell or call bad names or nothin'. It was a good day. And the low point of my day was when my teacher let us do paintin' and I spilled my paint on my shoes, but that's actually a good one because now my shoes is so colorful! I didn't got no low points today!"

He stabbed at the chicken on his plate and picked up the whole piece on his fork, gnawing on it like it was a piece of candy.

"Well… Avery, how was your day?"

"Shh. Eatin' chicken."

"I s'pose that was sissy's high point!" Ben said with a grin. Colton started to laugh and snorted milk out of his nose.

"Oh boy, that's never happened here before! Nice shot Cole!"

Lindsay sighed and cleaned up the mess, then made Colton blow his nose a few times before they could all continue with their dinner in a normal fashion.

Once everyone was done and the dishes were in the washer, the kids were shuttled upstairs to put on their pajamas. It was a lot later than they normally ate dinner but the kids didn't protest not being able to play before having to go to bed. They were all tired and in good spirits as they were bathed and tucked in.

"Well hon, you ready for bed too?" Lindsay asked with a yawn, turning off the hall light.

"I've got that book to finish. Mind if I have the light on?"

"No, that's fine."

She followed him upstairs and they both changed their clothes, then crawled into bed. She could tell something was on his mind, but he didn't say anything just turned his lamp on and opened his book. They were both quiet for a while before he cleared his throat. She looked at him hopefully but he just went back to reading. Figuring he was just content to be in his own world, she rolled over and closed her eyes.

"Hey babe?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm thinkin' that we should pull Ben out of school."

"What in the world are you talking about?" she asked, totally bewildered.

"He got picked on."

"Oh Adam, it's not a big deal. He said it's okay. It's the first time, it's not like he's being harassed."

"Don't tell me it's not a big deal, Lindsay. Our kid just got picked on today. It is a big deal. Especially to him."

"Adam, he sounded like he was fine."

"That doesn't mean he is."

"You really think he lied about that?"

"He was covering."

"Adam he's okay. I'm glad you're concerned about him, but he's just fine."

"Look, I don't want him to hate school forever because of one kid, I don't want him to feel like he's not safe there, I don't want him to start to believe what kids say about him."

"What do they say?"

"That he's weird."

"Adam, Ben is weird!"

"I know. I don't want him to stop being weird or being himself just because of what some mean kid says."

"I think our kid has a little more sense of self than you're giving him credit for."

"Linds, you don't know what it's like to get picked on, no matter how confident you are in yourself."

She sighed and sat up, raking her hands through her hair.

"It's no reason to pull him out of preschool, Adam. Maybe if every kid in class was picking on him, maybe if he came home everyday in tears, but it was one time and it didn't bother him. No kid of mine is going to quit or run away from something so small."

"You think this is small? His self-esteem and confidence are that little of an issue to you?"

"I never said that. I just don't think either of those things are in danger. We don't have a weak child."

"So I was a weak child, is that what you're saying?"

"Adam where in the world are you even coming from right now? I'm not taking our kid out of school because you're still insecure about the way other kids treated you when you were younger. He was proud of how he handled himself and I would rather encourage him to keep doing the same than teach him to run away from the situation. Yes, I'll keep an eye on it and I will talk to his teacher too, but we can't do something so drastic over what may have been a two minute conversation. I'm sorry, but I won't raise my kids that way."

"Your kids? They're mine too."

"Adam-"

"Lindsay, I am not going to sit here and let our son get picked on. I don't want him to feel like we did nothing about it, like we didn't care."

"Do you think he's stupid or something? He knows we care. If he had a problem and if his feelings were really hurt then he would have said something. Don't you trust him to do that?"

"I do but I don't want him to be scared or think that we see him as a baby."

"Then why would you pull him out of school? What do you think that tells him?"

"You don't understand, okay? You never got picked on as a kid, you don't know what it feels like."

"Come off it already! I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it hurt you, but other than this wonderful moment we're having right now, I don't think you're really worse for the wear. Don't tell me that I can't make a decision for my kid because I didn't live the life you lived. That's not fair."

"What, are you going to hold it against me because it's making me think differently about this than you are?"

"No. Are we just going to fight in circles all night long?"

"No we're not," he said, standing from the bed and grabbing his pillow.

"What are you doing?"

"Sleeping downstairs."

"Adam Ross, you have got to be kidding me right now."

He didn't say anything, afraid he was gong to start yelling and telling her how he really felt, so he decided to just keep walking. She called him back once, but he didn't turn and she sighed angrily, punching her fist into his remaining pillow. She hated when he didn't just say things right out. At least he wasn't lying or pretending that there wasn't more, she knew he needed time to sort things out, but it still bugged her that for some reason he couldn't be in the same room with her while he figured that out. She slid down in the bed and pulled the blanket up to her chin, figuring their disagreement would be over by morning. He would come upstairs and crawl into bed with her and they would talk it all over, just like they always did, and it would be one disagreement behind them.

* * *

"Cupcake, you gonna pack up that evidence so we can go or what?" Danny asked, hefting his box into the back of the SUV.

"I'm comin', I just didn't want to break these wine glasses that were put on the bottom of the box," Adam grumbled, walking across the sidewalk.

"Geez, what's your problem?"

"Nothing, just a bad mood. Let's just go."

They got in the car quietly and Danny began to drive, sneaking glances over at his friend. He'd never seen Adam so angry before, his jaw clenched and his hands tight.

"What's going on with you?"

"It's nothing."

"Right."

"Lindsay and I had a fight."

"You mean you didn't kiss her before you left for work?" Danny half laughed.

"No, I mean a real fight. We've never had one that bad before."

"What happened?"

Adam quickly explained the argument, leaving out the parts that he'd come to realize were stupid on his part. He was still mad at her, but it was less about what they'd said and more about the way he felt like she thought of him.

"So do you think Ben can't handle it or do you think you can't?"

Danny had hit the crux of the matter with one simple question and Adam cast him a sidelong glare before admitting it was valid.

"I think he can, I just don't think he should have to."

"And what about you?"

"Not about me."

"I think it's a lot about you. I don't think it has anything to do with Lindsay and I don't think it has anything to do with Ben. I think it has to do with the fact that you don't feel like an adequate father because your sons are far braver than you think you ever were."

The silence sat between them as Adam tried to accept that truth and Danny tried to say something else to make it not sting so much.

"Look, no good father ever feels like a good father. We feel like there's more we can give our kids. But sometimes showing them our weakness is much better than hiding it and showcasing our strengths."

"Maybe."

"Look, I know your childhood wasn't that great, even after your dad was gone. That doesn't mean you're any less of a person. Your boys will always look up to you, no matter what you went through."

"That's not terrifying or anything."

"I think you really have to make a decision here though. Do you really want to pull Ben out of school, knowing how much he loves it and how good it's been for him?"

"No, I guess not."

"Then I guess I'm gonna agree with Montana on this one."

"Yeah, I figured everyone and their mom might."

"You're not wrong, you're just not right."

"Well great."

Danny chuckled and shook his head a little, having often felt the same way, like no matter what he did, he wasn't as good as his kids deserved. It never came down to him not being good as much as it was about the kids being better than he could have ever imagined, and with him loving them more than he'd ever thought possible.

"Hey look, if it will make you feel better, tonight at dinner, I'll tell Lindsay I'm on your side. How's that?"

Adam gave a short laugh and shook his head.

"That would be great but it might land me in even more hot water."

"Sometimes you just can't win huh?"

"Yeah. I guess it's not a very common thing though; it's not like we fight all the time."

"You let her have her way?"

"No, we just usually talk it out. I started a conversation when she was tired and had a headache and I hadn't really thought it through yet. I should have waited a little bit I guess."

"Well live and learn, cupcake."

"Yeah. Hey what do you think our wives talk to each other about for hours on end?"

"Us."

"That's scary."

* * *

"Okay time for your bedtime story," Adam announced, directing the kids into the boys bedroom.

"Sissy, you gonna cuddle with me, your big brother Ben?"

"Uh, with Coley," she decided with a nod, climbing into Colton's bed.

"You don't wanna cuddle with me?" Ben asked, his voice quavering.

She shook her head and yawned, unaware of the angst she was putting her brother through.

"But you always cuddle with me durin' stories!" he said, bursting into tears. "Why don't you want to tonight?"

She looked at him confused, then looked up at Colton for some kind of advice.

"I have no idea why he's carryin' on like this."

"Hey Ben, buddy, take a deep breath."

"But daddy! I like how sissy feels chubby in my arms! I like to hug her!"

"I know you love your sister, but tonight she wants to lay in Colton's bed. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you."

"Sissy, you love me?"

"Yes. Coley blankets."

"You just like Cole's blankets better?"

"Yep. Today."

"Oh. So your betrayal's got nothin' to do with me?"

"Nope!"

"I could deal with that. Read the story daddy."

Adam rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor, reading them the last chapter of their book. Ben had a million questions about why it had ended that way, what happened to the characters next and if there would be a movie about it later.

"Ben, maybe you could just enjoy the story how it is," Colton suggested with a shrug. "That's how the writer telled it after all."

"Yeah, I s'pose. What did you think sissy?"

"Like," she answered with a smile and a yawn. "Daddy, Avery sleep here?"

"No, you're going to sleep in your own room."

"Hey daddy how come sissy gets her own room and me and Cole gots to share with each other?"

"Because she's the only girl and that's just how it works," Adam answered, leaning down to pick his daughter up, then fix Colton's blankets. "I'll see you boys in the morning."

"Love you daddy."

"Love you too. Goodnight."

He took Avery into her room and tucked her into the bed making sure to put pillows on either side of her because he was still afraid she was going to roll off the mattress in the middle of the night.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"Stay with Avery?"

"Sure, I'll stay in here for a while."

She smiled and he stretched out next to her, brushing her hair back from her face. She reached up and grabbed his hand and examined it closely, running her little finger over the lines and creases and sucking on her bottom lip thoughtfully.

"Um daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"This owwie?" she asked, pointing to the callus on his hand.

"Yeah, it's just from working and stuff."

"And stuff," she whispered, blinking hard to stay awake. Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Love Avery? Ben? Coley? Mama?"

"Yes, I love all of you very, very much."

"Avery most," she decided with a nod.

"Sure honey."

She gave him a smile then snuggled into his arms and closed her eyes. He watched as she fell into sleep, her breathing evening out and her nose twitching a little. She was so sweet when she slept, it was hard to reconcile her to the crazy lunatic of a child that usually ran around the house all day long. He realized that he hadn't had a chance to really just exist in her presence very much lately and he laid there for a long time, looking closely at her face, memorizing rhythm of her breathing and the way her eyes fluttered back and forth. He'd have to make sure to have these quiet moments with her in the future too.

* * *

The next thing he knew there was a warm hand on his shoulder as a blanket was placed over him. He opened his eyes and found Lindsay standing over the bed, having just gotten home from work. He couldn't quite read the expression on her face, but he was sure their argument from the night before was still skimming the surface of her heart.

"You just get home?"

She nodded and tucked Avery's stuffed animals closer around her.

"You still mad at me?"

"Nope, I'm fine. I'm going to bed."

He tried to read her tone of voice but his mind was hazy and she was being as neutral as she could, making it much more difficult for him to decide what his best course of action was going to be.

"I'm coming with you."

"You don't have to," she tossed over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.

If that didn't make it obvious how she was going to play this, then nothing did. He sighed and stood up carefully, making sure he didn't wake Avery up, then followed Lindsay upstairs.

"So you are still mad."

"No I'm not. I told you I wasn't," she replied lightly, unbuttoning her shirt and tossing it into a laundry basket.

"Well fine then I guess we don't need to talk about it."

"No I guess we don't."

She finished changing her clothes and climbed into bed, moving as far away from the middle as she could without being obvious about it.

"Lindsay."

"Hmm?"

"Don't go to bed mad."

"I told you I wasn't mad. What else do you want from me?"

He sighed and shook his head, figuring another night on the couch might do them both some good. He was about to grab his pillow when he changed his mind.

"You know what Linds? I'm not going to dance around this all night and make it worse. Yeah, I was being stupid and I should have thought things through a little more, but neither one of us ended up being fair about the whole thing either. I'm sorry I got mad at you and I'm sorry I slept on the couch. I'm willing to talk about this now if you are."

She just lay there quietly and for a moment he worried that she was going to keep ignoring him. Then he stepped closer and peeked at her, seeing that she had tiny tears trailing down her face.

"I hate when you're mad at me."

"I'm not a fan of you being mad at me either Linds."

They regarded each other for a long moment and he reached out to brush her tears away.

"What you said last night really bothered me. You made it sound like I was less of a person because of what happened to me."

"Adam, you know I don't think that."

"I know. But that didn't stop me from feeling that."

"I'm sorry honey. I just don't want to teach our kids to run away from things. It's okay to step back if something is too painful, but don't run at the first sign of discomfort."

"I get that babe. I really do. I just worry about him. I don't want him to pretend he's okay if he's not."

"Ben doesn't pretend anything. That kid wears his heart on his sleeve and then tells people about it to make sure they understood."

Adam gave her a half smile before sitting down next to her.

"I'm sorry that went how it did last night. I should have thought about it more before I said it and I should have waited until you were feeling better."

"And maybe you should have slept up here?"

"Yeah, that too."

"Next time I'll listen to what you're trying to tell me instead of just what you're saying. I wasn't being very patient with you and I should have been."

"I think we need to talk about Ben still, but that can wait until morning when we're both a little more clear headed."

"I think that's a good idea."

"I'm really sorry babe."

"I'm sorry too. We've been arguing a lot recently. Any idea why?"

He shook his head as she rolled over to face him, her eyebrows quirking in question.

"I don't know. Maybe we need to escape the house for a while and see if we can figure that out."

"Maybe."

He ran his finger down her arm then pulled her closer to him, feeling like everything was okay again the second he wrapped himself around her. He'd slept horribly on the couch the night before and he was sure she hadn't done so well up here alone either.

"Tomorrow we'll make everything okay again," he promised, dropping a kiss to the part in her hair.

"We always do."

"I love you Linds."

"I love you too."

"Thanks for going to bat for the kids, even when I don't agree."

"Thank you for doing the same."

No matter the words that could pass between them, or the misunderstandings they might have, in the end they were still on the same page and they would always be there together.


	227. Chapter 227

"Why is this house so crazy this mornin'?" Colton hollered, dumping his empty oatmeal bowl into the sink and running his sleeve across his nose. "It's so loud in here!"

"You're not exactly helping much with your yelling," Adam commented, trying to clip Avery's hair back with one hand and hold her with the other. She kept squirming and giggling like it was a game, but he was starting to get frustrated.

"Well then I will help somehow else. Ben, let's get our coats on us so we can leave soon."

Ben jumped down the last three stairs and spun in a circle excitedly, his hands clenched in anticipation.

"I'm so happy today Cole! You know why?"

"Because you're Ben and you're always happy?"

"Yep! And also because today daddy is going to preschool with me!"

Colton laughed and shook his head.

"That's not exactly what's goin' on, Ben."

"Yep it is! Today is a field trip and we're goin' to check out my new kindergarten. Dunner's comin' with us and there will be lots of mama's and daddies going too. And you don't get to hang out with daddy or Dunner today Cole, so my day is better than yours."

"Yeah maybe so. Let's get ready to go anyways."

They sat right in the entryway to put their shoes on and Adam had to navigate around them while he tried to get into the other room for Avery's coat.

"Babe, you're gonna be late," he shouted up the stairs. "You have fifteen minutes to get to work."

"Bah, lemon zesters!" came the reply as Lindsay flew down the stairs. Avery and Ben had both woken up in the night, which meant she woke up too, then overslept when the alarm went off this morning. She kissed the kids and threw her coat on, not bothering to check her hair one last time.

"See you tonight," Adam said as he kissed her.

"I gotta pick up a pregnancy test on the way home," she whispered hurriedly, without any other explanation. He stood there slack-jawed and she gave him a shrug of apology before heading out the door.

"Daddy?" Avery asked, pushing his chin up to close his mouth.

"Your mama had better be pullin' my leg, that's all. C'mon boys we gotta get going."

He made sure he had his keys and the boys both had their backpacks, then they headed outside and down the street to the bus stop. The Messers were already waiting there and Colton and Isa wrapped each other in hugs, as if they'd been apart for days.

"Hey Dunner are you stoked 'bout comin' with us to the kindergarten and preschool today?" Ben asked, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Yep I am! Except I think I will not like school. They don't got enough sports."

"That could be a issue," Ben said with nod. "Maybe you can say that at the school today and then they will make more sports."

Junior agreed enthusiastically as the bus pulled up and the older kids boarded, feeling quite important in light of Ben and Junior's perception of school.

"Alright Tink, you ready to go with Austin?"

Avery clapped her hands and nodded, her legs kicking with happiness.

"Au'tin! Avery Au'tin!" she shouted as Adam handed her over.

"Yep, just us today kiddo. You ready to go grocery shopping with me?"

"Yes!"

Austin laughed and leaned down to kiss her son goodbye, even though he wiped it off his cheek.

"I'll see you later this afternoon, okay? You be good for Adam."

"I will ma. I am always good. Sissy Aves, you be good for my ma okay?"

"Okay! Au'tin, we go!"

Austin obliged and they headed down the street, Avery babbling incoherently the entire way. She didn't know that she was going to spend the entire day with Austin and she was beside herself with excitement.

"I need to go get my shopping list," Austin said as they entered the apartment. "Will you stay here and wait for me?"

Avery nodded and walked over to the couch, patting her legs.

"Elbis!" she called, peeking around for the dog. "Elbis, here! I Avery!"

"Honey Elvis is probably sleeping."

"It day."

"I know it's day, but Elvis is getting pretty old so he sleeps a lot."

"I see Elbis," she clarified, looking all over again. "Elbis out to me!"

"Maybe later he'll wake up for you. Come on, let's go."

"Bye-bye Elbis," Avery said, waving at nothing in particular. "See later."

* * *

The small bodega was completely packed with bodies and it took Austin and Avery almost an hour to navigate the store. By the time they were done Avery had lost the barrette that had been in her hair and Austin was convinced that it was time to hire a personal shopper.

"Well kiddo, what do you think about putting these groceries away and taking Elvis to the park?"

"Um, okay."

"Just okay? Do you want to do something else?"

"No. Park with Elbis."

"Maybe later you can help me pick out something for your mama's birthday."

Avery gave her a confused look, her forehead scrunching up.

"I know, I'm shopping kind of early and it's very out of character, but I thought I would seize the day."

"Seize the day," Avery repeated with a nod as they walked down the street. Her boots clacked against the sidewalk as she held Austin's free hand and enjoyed being allowed to walk on her own. Usually she was carried places because she walked too slowly and she loved being held but it was nice to be able to move at her own speed sometimes.

"You're awfully quiet honey. What's the matter?"

"My mama."

"You miss your mama?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry baby girl. You'll get to see her tonight."

"Yes. Get Elbis?"

"Alright we can go get Elvis."

They made their way back to the apartment and inside where Elvis was laying by the couch. He glanced up at them as they entered and Avery ran to him, patting him softly and kissing his face.

"Hello Elbis," she greeted excitedly. "Puppy Elbis."

"He's not quite a puppy anymore."

"Old. Mac."

"I will tell Mac that you said that. He'll be overjoyed."

Avery grinned and walked over to the front door where the dog leash was rolled up in a basket. She pulled it out and examined it closely for a moment before sliding her wrist through the end and taking it over to Elvis. He sniffed at her and yawned as she tried to get the leash hooked onto his collar. Her little fingers were no match for the metal attachments and she groaned unhappily.

"Au'tin. Help."

"I'll help you in a little bit."

Avery dropped the leash and walked into the kitchen, fixing her jean skirt as she stood there and waited for Austin to put the groceries away.

"What's up honey?"

"Au'tin. Love you."

"I love you too Averylin."

Avery smiled to herself while Austin finished with the groceries, then raced into the other room and tried to convince Elvis to get up and go to the park.

"Elbis, come. Park now! With Avery!"

The dog gave her a look and dropped his head back down to his paws tiredly. He was getting old, and keeping up with three Messer children wasn't an easy task.

"Come on Elv," Austin said, clucking her tongue at him. "Want to go for a walk?"

He just sat there and she chuckled, rubbing his ears.

"Well Avery, looks like it's just going to be you and me."

"Oh Elbis sleepy," she said with a nod. "Avery Au'tin go bye. Find mama's bir'day?"

"Sure, we can do that."

"Mama be old?"

"Your mama's going to be thirty-seven this year."

"Oh. Daddy?"

"Daddy's old. He's almost forty-one."

"Oh my! Old, old. Avery two. See? One, two," she said, holding up two pudgy fingers.

"You're so smart honey," Austin chuckled, crouching down and taking the little girl in her arms. "Did you know that you say my name just like Colton did when he was your age?"

"Uh-huh."

"You're so sweet. Could I just hug you and kiss you all day long?"

"Nope. Lunch time."

Austin laughed and shook her head, then straightened Avery's plaid shirt.

"Oh my darling, you are always going to be an eating champion aren't you?"

"Yes. We go out?"

"Yeah, let's go. I think I have an idea of something we can get for your mama."

Avery smiled and slid her hand into Austin's as they headed out the door again.

"You want to do some painting, baby girl?"

"Oh yes! Ben paint. Avery watch. Not do. Much messy."

"I see. Well I think you might be alright today. We'll paint together, how about that?"

"Happy."

They had to take the bus because the place Austin had in mind would be a very long walk for Avery's little legs.

"Oh wow," she whispered as they entered the little shop and she saw all the pottery sitting on shelves. "What this?"

"We're going to pick out some things to paint for your mama's birthday," Austin said after the clerk had greeted them. "I think I'll make her a coffee mug. What about you?"

"Not know."

"Do you want to make her a plate maybe?"

"No. This! Pig! Mama say Avery piggie."

"You are kind of a little piggie. Alright, you can paint that one."

They chose a table and Austin gathered their paint colors, trying to decide what she wanted to paint while watching Avery out of the corner of her eye to make sure she wasn't getting the paint everywhere.

"See? Piggie pink. This tail?"

"Yeah, pigs have tails."

"Pig in mud huh?"

"You're right sweetie."

"You make?"

"Just pretty colors for now. I think if I can use one of those paint pens I might write something on it too."

"Write? What?"

"Just somethin' your mama and I say to each other a lot."

"Oh. Mama coffee in'ere?"

"Yes, I bet she will have lots of coffee in here."

"Avery like this," she said with a little smile. "Relax."

"You like to relax like this?"

"Mm-hmm. Like Sarah do."

"Oh, I see."

"Au'tin?"

"Yes sweetie?"

"I chubby."

"Yeah, I know you're chubby. That's okay, you're still little."

"No Au'tin," she clarified, pinching her thigh. "I _chubby_."

Austin snickered and leaned over to kiss Avery's cheek.

"I love you Averylin Grace, no matter how chubby you might be. I still think you're beautiful."

"Aw shucks."

Austin laughed and finished up with the mug then helped Avery to cover the rest of the pig with paint.

"There. Should we be done now honey?"

"Uh-huh. Lunch and nap?"

"That sounds like the most wonderful day that could ever be had by two carefree ladies."

Avery chuckled and they paid for their creations, leaving them there to get a final glaze and firing before they would be ready. Avery wasn't too happy about that but Austin appeased her with promises of chicken nuggets. She skipped happily along the street, tripping over her boots a few times but catching herself before she fell. By the time they arrived back at the apartment she was singing at the top of her lungs about nothing in particular.

"Hey look uncle Danny's home!" Austin said as they walked through the door and found Danny on the couch.

"Nanny!" Avery hollered, thundering over to him and jumping into his lap. "Love you!"

"Hey Mimo. Geez, you're gettin' big."

"Chubby," she said with a nod, taking his glasses off and putting them on herself. "I gorgeous."

"You're weird, that's what you are," Austin laughed. "I'm going to go start lunch, you want to stay here with Danny?"

"Yep, my Nanny."

* * *

"And there was this part of the classroom what was for Arthurs Crafts! I don't know who Arthur is but he sure got some creative ideas!"

"Binyin," Junior said with a little laugh. "That's arts and crafts."

"Oh!"

"Man, I don't even go to school and I know this stuff."

"I was just thinkin' faster than what that lady was saying. Now it's your turn to say somethin' 'bout that kindergarten Dunner!"

"Well, we get a snack time! That will be the best part for me. And recess!"

"I remember when we got snacks in kindergarten don't you Colt?" Isa asked, her mouth full of spaghetti. "When our teacher used to give us pretzels all the time?"

"Yeah. And the one day you got mad because you were tired of pretzels and asked if we could dip 'em in something exciting like buffalo sauce."

"The look on that teacher's face was so great."

They giggled together as Ben and Junior kept talking about their day and the trip to the kindergarten classroom. Austin was trying not to get too emotional at the thought of her youngest child in school. Her last little baby, striking out on his own.

"I can't wait for us to be in school together," Junior said finally, nodding his head. "I could do all the sports and games and you could do all the homework."

"I don't know 'bout that, Dunner, but I am sure we will have fun anyway. I will teach you how to hold your pencil. It's a complicated process."

"Hmm, okay. Now, when will sissy Aves start school?"

"When she's older. She's just a baby still."

"No Ben! Avery big!"

"I know you're big sissy," Ben started. "I just mean that you're my little sister so sometimes I think of you as a baby because you're littler than me and you're so darn cute."

"Oh. Okay."

The older kids started to chatter about their own kindergarten experiences while Ben and Junior listened intently, excited about what was coming up and anxious for the next several months to be over so they could get on with it.

"Mama," Avery asked after a while, picking a green bean off of her shirt. "I school?"

"No, not yet. In a few years."

"I play?"

"You can play at home."

"No kids home," she whined, wrinkling her nose.

"Well maybe you're going to have to go to preschool too someday."

"Yes!" she hollered pumping her fist in the air happily. She then sat back up in her chair and devoured the rest of her dinner in record time, wiping her face with a napkin and letting out a burp of approval.

"Averylin."

"Yum dinner, Au'tin," she said with a smile.

"Thanks for your endorsement honey," Austin chuckled. "And thanks for helping me make it."

"You helped make dinner?" Lindsay asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Yes. I get beans," she replied, proud of herself for getting the cans of beans out of the cupboard. "I down now."

She shimmied out of her chair and went into the other room, apparently in search of the dog.

"Can all the rest of us be excused too?" Sarah asked after polishing off her glass of milk.

"Yeah, go ahead."

They all clambered out of the room with shouts and giggles, leaving their dirty plates and cups on the table.

"That's our cue, Cupcake," Danny said, standing up and resigning him to the fate that had been established long ago. To keep things even, the dishes were their responsibility.

"Was Avery good for you today?" Lindsay asked once the guys had cleared all the dishes.

"Yeah, she was great. She's hilarious. It takes me a while to get a hang of her accent but she really says funny things sometimes."

"She's weird, that's for sure."

"Every single face she makes is a face I have seen you make at one time or another."

"I know. She is me and I am proud."

"She informs me every time she's gone to the bathroom but she never says anything beforehand. You are never going to get her potty-trained."

"I'm thinking of just sticking her in underwear and letting her be uncomfortable for a day. See how that goes."

"You should get some of those puppy training pads to put around the house for her."

"Adam already suggested newspaper."

"I would tell you to let her run naked all day, but she would enjoy that too much."

"She hasn't been doing her normal disrobing as often lately, but I think it's because she's found other things to do."

"I think you'll have to let me have her more often. I caught her singing "Wock-a-bye Elbis," while she held his head in her lap. She's a kick in the pants."

"I think she knows."

"Oh hey mama!" Ben said as he and Junior ran back into the room. "Somethin' I forgetted to say! There was this one lady at the school what thinked me and Dunner was twins! I had to tell her that we comed out of different mamas."

"Yep and then that lady said that me and Binyin were in sync."

"And then I said that I don't like Justin Timberlake and then she laughed a lot."

"I asked her if she dances with N'Sync like our ma's do. And she shaked her head. And then uncle Cupcake told us to not embarrass you before school even started."

"We didn't know we was embarrassing yous."

"Oh well. I'm sure you'll do much worse in the next few years."

"Well ain't that the truth," Junior laughed, shaking his head. "C'mon Binyin, let's go play in my room."

They ran off happily as if playing together was a rare treat.

"I think they're going to do just fine in school," Austin chuckled. "At least for the first few days."

"They'll be fine. I think they're better together than apart. Unlike Isa and Colton, who are like fire and gasoline."

"Impressive but dangerous when not controlled."

"Exactly."

* * *

"You can't just drop a bomb on me like that and walk out the door," Adam sighed, sitting down on the couch and pulling Lindsay into his arms.

"Hey, if I had said that I was for sure pregnant then walked out the door you would have something to complain about. As it stands it was a false alarm so I guess we don't have anything else to say on the matter."

"You don't sound so happy."

"I'm okay. I dreamed about it for a few hours but it's okay that it's not happening."

"Okay."

"So how do you think Ben did today?"

"He loved it. He was a little worried that he doesn't have long enough legs to be a kindergartener."

"What?"

"I'm not sure either. But I think other than that he's really looking forward to it and he's going to be fine."

"Good. Want to channel surf with me for a while?"

"Yeah, if you let me hold the remote."

"Yes your majesty."

She handed him the remote and leaned into his side, not caring what he landed on.

"They're buying a three hundred thousand dollar house and they're only putting ten thousand down? Are they crazy?"

Lindsay flicked her eyes opened at Adam's exclamation snickering at how fired up he was getting over the Home and Garden channel.

"I think they exaggerate for ratings."

"Ratings? This is the Home and Garden channel!"

She just laughed and sat up, taking his face in her hands and kissing him.

"I don't even know how I manage to keep loving you sometimes."

"Hey!"

"I mean, I can't help myself but sometimes you're just really odd."

"I thought that's why you loved me in the first place."

"Yeah, puppy love."

"Oh phooey."

She laughed and kissed him again, making sure he knew that she was just kidding.

"Goofy or not, I am glad you're mine and no one else's."

"Right back at you."

"Have you thought more about our anniversary trip?"

"Actually, there's something we should talk about."

She sat up and gave him a quizzical look, afraid that he was going to drop something on her that she wasn't ready to handle.

"What."

It came out more as a wary statement than a question and she felt her mouth go dry at the look on his face.

"I got a phone call today. It was a job offer."

"A job offer? Where?"

"Georgetown."

"Doing what? What did you say?"

"They need someone to head up their computer forensics department. It's fairly new, under the computer sciences branch."

"They want you to head it up?"

"Yeah. The undergraduate division."

"So we would move to D.C."

"Yeah."

She sighed and sat there for a minute, taking it all in. She didn't even know he was thinking about a career change.

"Do you want to do it?"

"There's a lot of pros. I would be making more there than both of us make here. Summers off, slightly lower cost of living, a new start."  
"Is the job something you want?"

"I don't know. I didn't want to get too set on anything until we talked about it."

"I don't want to move, Adam. The kids are happy here, we live in our dream house, I don't want to leave the people I love again."

"I know."

"But if you really think about this and you come to the conclusion that it's something you would love to do, something you would love more than the job you have now, then I will follow you there."

"Babe-"

"Adam, I would. It wouldn't be easy but if it made you happy, there would be no questions asked."

"But would you be happy too?"

"I would try. I can't say I wouldn't be happy. I just don't want my initial feelings to stand in the way if this is something you really want to do."

"So you're leaving it up to me?"

"I know that you will do what is best for all of us. I have no doubts about that."

"Way to put the pressure on."

She gave a half smile, not wanting to let him know how awful she felt about the entire idea and how much she wanted to beg him to forget all about it. She didn't want to move and she'd thought when they bought the house that they were totally settled.

"Were you looking for another job?"

"No, I wasn't. Remember that money laundering case a while back? That's how they found me I guess."

"I'm proud of you. Getting a job offer that way is not common and if they saw you as someone who could head up a department that's a big deal."

"I might have a slightly inflated ego right now."

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him softly.

"I love you, Adam. Anywhere we are together is home and I will be happy there. I support whatever you decide."

"I love you too babe. Thanks for trusting me."

* * *

A/N: Sorry to leave you all hanging right there.


	228. Chapter 228

The early spring air was crisp and cold and the wind blowing through the trees was more reminiscent of winter. Lindsay pulled her scarf tighter around her neck, surprised at herself for being so sensitive to the cold, even though everyone at the scene seemed to be more bundled up than she was. She vaguely wondered if D.C. had milder winters or if it would even matter. The idea of moving made her sad and surly and as she approached the scene and saw Austin there, she knew she was going to have to keep herself in check because her best friend could see right through her. Adam had asked her to keep things quiet because he didn't want anything else influencing his decision. Her stomach was in knots whenever she thought about it, the only thing keeping her sane being the knowledge that it would still be the two of them and the kids.

"Mornin' girls. You look bright eyed and bushy-tailed," Austin commented sarcastically while Jo yawned so hard her eyes watered.

"What do we got?" Lindsay asked, crouching next to the body and snapping her latex gloves on.

"Alan Deerhurst, eighteen. Joggers found him this morning."

"I'm fixing time of death around midnight," Hawkes said, hovering over the body. "Cause of death is strangulation with that belt. I'll know more when we get him to the morgue."

"Only eighteen," Jo whispered, shaking her head. "He's just a baby."

The mood turned even more somber at that and they started to work quietly, working from the body outward to collect evidence and take pictures of the scene.

Lindsay busied herself with documenting the footprints in the area, graphing out where they were exactly and then making molds of each one. She had a good rhythm going and was just double checking that everything was right when she spotted a very small spot of blood on the ground. Carefully she took a sample and labeled it hoping it was from the perp.

"What's goin' on Lin?" Austin as softly, crouching down next to her, pretending to be interested in the trace evidence.

"Nothing."

"You're not you. Are you okay? I need you to tell me the truth."

"Yes, I'm fine. I promise."

"Then is something bugging you?"

"No, I'm just tired."

"You can't lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you, Austin. I'm really just tired, okay?"

"Okay, whatever."

"Don't be upset with me, I can't handle it right now."

"What's going on Linds? This isn't just you being tired."

"Look, I can't talk to you about it right now. Just trust me on this one, alright?"

Austin sighed angrily and shook her head.

"Fine."

Lindsay rolled her eyes in frustration as Austin stood up and walked away. It was true, she really couldn't handle this right now, all it made her want to do was run home and bury herself under the covers and not come out until everything was over. The idea of the possibility of moving was stressing her out so badly that the idea that they may actually pick up and move was even worse.

They spent a few more hours at the scene, waiting until the body was hauled away, then doing one more sweep of the area before loading up the SUV with the evidence and heading back to the lab. Jo drove and Lindsay sat in the passenger seat, her head tilted against the window and her eyes closed.

"Mac told me about Georgetown," Jo said softly after a little while.

"He knows?"

"Yeah. How do you feel?"

"Uneasy. I know Adam's going to make the right decision but I'm afraid the right decision is going to be to move."

"Do you have pros and cons?"

"A few. The pros are that the pay is really good, I would be able to stay home with the kids."

"Is that what you want to do?"

"Right now I do. As they get older and they're in school more I might want to go back to work, but right now I feel like I'm missing a lot of their lives. I wish I could just pause work for the next five years or so."

"What about cons?"

"We'd be leaving the life we've made. This is the city where we met and fell in love and started our family and bought our first home. It's where everyone is, it's the only place the kids know. We're happy here. If it weren't for this job offer we wouldn't even be thinking about leaving."

"Do you think Adam would like the job?"

"I don't know if he would love it, but he would be so good at it. It's what he went to college for in the beginning. He thought he would work for some big company, the crime lab came later. I know he stumbles over his words and makes stupid jokes and takes forever to get to a point and drops things a lot and gets nervous and his voice gets all high and-"

"Linds."

"He would be really good at it. Teaching people how to do what he does means equipping more people to solve more crimes and that's so important to him. I don't know how he couldn't love it."

"You want him to be happy."

"Yes I do. More than anything," she said quietly, wiping a tear from her eye. "The kids and I can adjust. We love him and we would go anywhere. But it's not easy."

"What about you? I mean, Adam might be happy and doing something he loves, but will you be happy too?"

"At first I might not be. But I know that providing for the family is very important to him, and having our family stable and healthy is important to me, so once I settled in, yeah, I would be happy."

"So it's just the initial move that's bothering you?"

"I think so. You know, right now when I need Austin, she's a ten minute walk away. The kids are all so close, they would be devastated to leave each other."

"I'm sure Adam's taking that all into account."

"I know he is. He's probably so stressed out right now and I'm just worried about me."

"Have you guys talked about it?"

"Not a lot. We kind of don't know what to say sometimes."

"That's okay right now I think. But sooner or later you're going to have to discuss it because that man is not going to make a decision without you."

"I kind of wish he would."

Jo chuckled and shook her head.

"You say that now but you'd be mad if he did it all on his own."

"Probably."

"It's going to be okay Linds. Whether you stay or go, everything works itself out."

"I know."

"Have you told anyone?"

"No."

"Not even Austin?"

"I could never say the words to her. It would kill us both."

"You're going to have to tell her."

"I know."

"But until you do, you can talk to me, okay?"

"Thank you."

* * *

"The blood I found on the ground next to the body is female," Lindsay said, falling in step next to Jo as they walked down the hallway. "I'm running further testing on it right now, but it seems to be fresh. You get anything?"

"Partial fingerprints on the belt, running them through CODIS now. Swabbed for epithelials and other trace and I'm running that now too."

"I think we have two perps here. That's a man's belt and Alan was wearing his. It would suggest that the perp is a man, but then we have female blood too," she sighed, biting her lip. "Definitely looks to me like a sexually based crime, but I don't want to jump to that conclusion this early."

"Lindsay, not jumping to conclusions? Usually you run with every theory."

"Yes well I don't feel like running today."

Jo laughed as they stepped into Mac's office, finding him deep in concentration at the computer. If the sound had been turned down just one notch more he might have gotten away with it, but it was just barely detectable over the noise of the lab.

"Mac Taylor," Jo started, placing a hand on her hip. "Are you playing Angry Birds again?"

He looked up guiltily and nodded his head.

"I can't get past this one level," he admitted, somewhat forlorn. "If it gave me one more bird…"

"Forget it," Lindsay said, shaking her head. "I was stuck on that level for three months before I gave up. That was over a year ago and I haven't played since."

"Well if the queen of video games can't do it then I am out of luck. What are you two up to?"

"Just came to update you on the case and tell you that we don't got much."

"Intriguing."

"Actually we were just going to go pick up lunch and since you've been here since four this morning…"

"She complains when she makes dinner at home, but she doesn't mind running out somewhere to pick it up," Mac said to Lindsay who just nodded.

"Doesn't matter how far you have to go to get it. At least you didn't have to make it."

"The logic of women astounds me."

"At least you still believe it's logic," Jo said with a shrug.

Mac rolled his eyes and told her what he wanted while Lindsay struggled to get her ringing phone out of her pocket. She finally found it right before it went to voicemail and nearly dropped it before she could answer.

"Hello?"

"Babe, don't freak out, okay?"

"Don't ever start a conversation that way if you don't want me to freak out. What's wrong?"

"Remember how Ben was complaining that he didn't feel good last night?"

"Yes."

"He said he was fine when I took him to school this morning, but when I got there to pick him up he had a high fever and he said his stomach hurt. I thought he was getting the flu again but his fever crept up a little and he said he didn't feel like throwing up, his stomach was sore. I touched it and he about had a fit so I called the doctor and she said to take him to the ER."

"Why, what's she thinking it is?"

"She said it could be appendicitis."

"Are you going now?"

"Yeah, I'm just headed out the door. He threw up just a minute ago and he said it's because it hurts so bad."

"Okay, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Someone needs to get Colton after school."

"Alright. I'll figure it out. Drive safe okay? Tell him I'll be right there."

"I will."

They hung up and she stared at the phone in her hand for just a moment before springing into action.

"I gotta go. Adam's taking Ben to the hospital," she said, stumbling over the words. "I need to… gotta get…"

"Lindsay, slow down. What do you need?"

"Someone has to get Colton from school. Danny and Austin are both working, Danny's mom is watching their kids. Um… I don't know what to do."

"You go to the hospital," Mac said authoritatively. "I'll get Colton at school."

"Thank you."

"It's not a problem. Are you going to be okay getting to the hospital?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Go, get out of here."

* * *

"Mama, you maked it!" Ben said as she opened the door to his hospital room. His eyes were red and swollen from crying and he was pale from throwing up and having to get IV's, but he still had a smile on his face.

"Oh baby of course I made it. How are you feeling?"

"I gotta get cut open," he sighed heavily while she kissed his cheek. "Doctor's orders. I want Cole here. Need my big brother."

"I know sweetie. It's going to be okay."

"I'm scared," he said softly.

"Me too honey. But the surgery will make you feel so much better."

"Oh Ben," Avery said from her spot in the chair next to the bed. "Oh Ben."

He glanced over at her and gave her a little nod.

"It's okay sissy."

She slid off her chair and walked over to the bed, reaching up to hold his hand.

"When are they taking him up?" Lindsay asked, her eyes on Ben but her question directed at Adam.

"They should be back in a minute," he answered. She noticed that his skin seemed somewhat gray and he was having trouble holding the pen to fill out the paperwork because his hands were clammy. She didn't know what to say really, so she focused on calming Ben down so he wouldn't fight the doctors when they came to take him away.

"Will it hurt mama?"

"You'll be in pain at first but they're going to give you lots of medicine so you'll feel better really soon."

"Can Dunner come see me?"

"Maybe in the morning honey. You're going to be very tired and cranky later so it might be best if you didn't have any visitors tonight."

"What are they gonna to do me 'zactly?"

"They're just going to make a tiny little cut in your belly," Adam started. "Then they're going to put an itty bitty camera in there so they can see what they're doing, and then they're going to take your appendix out and put you back together."

"Why do you need to know Ben Ry?"

"For show and tell," he answered softly as the door creaked open and the doctor and a few nurses came in. "Is it time for me to be sliced?"

Avery tipped back her head and wailed at the words, then dropped Ben's hand and ran over to the small couch, burying her face in the cushions.

"Yeah kiddo, it's time to go," the doctor said, pointing to a smaller gurney. "You want your mommy to help you move onto that bed?"

"Yeah. Mama you carry me there?"

She lifted him up and held him close for a moment before laying him gently on the gurney.

"Want me to hold your glasses?"

"No! I can't see without them!"

"I know sweetie but you can't take them in there with you."

"I need them mama I need them!" he said, holding onto his glasses and starting to cry.

"We can leave them on until he falls asleep," one of the nurses offered.

"Thank you. Hear that Ben, you can keep them on."

"Okay. I need to be able to see."

"You'll be just fine buddy," Adam assured him, kissing his head. "You're going to do great and this will all be over before you know it."

"Can you come with me?"

"We'll walk there with you, okay?"

Ben sniffled and sat up craning his neck around looking for Avery.

"Sissy, you need go with mama now. I be okay baby sissy. I be okay."

She rushed over to them and Lindsay lifted her up so she could kiss Ben on the cheek.

"Avery love Ben. All heart."

"Love you with all my heart too sissy. You be brave and I will be brave, 'kay?"

"'Kay."

They shared a tender look for just a second before it was time to wheel Ben down the hallway to the operating room. He tried to be brave but it wasn't long before he broke down in tears, reaching for someone to hold his hand.

"You're going to be just fine, Ben," Adam assured. "They're going to give you some special smelling air and you'll fall asleep. And it will be the best sleep of your life. And when you wake up it won't hurt anymore. Mama or I will be right there, okay?"

"Can you come with me daddy?"

"I'll be waiting right outside son. I love you."

"I love you too."

He was whisked behind the doors quickly and Avery whimpered, reaching out for him.

"My Ben!" she whimpered, burying her face in Lindsay's hair and crying.

"I know baby. Let's go sit down here okay?"

They went into the waiting room and Avery continued to cry softly, looking up hopefully every time someone walked by the room, then sniffling and rubbing her eyes when it wasn't Ben.

"You didn't get your nap today did you?" Lindsay whispered.

"She didn't get lunch either. Maybe we should go down to the cafeteria and let her eat something."

"Baby you want some lunch while we wait for Ben?"

"No."

"She'll change her mind once we get in there."

They stood up and left the waiting room, checking in at the desk so the doctor would know where to find them if anything happened.

The cafeteria was pretty quiet, a few doctors on their breaks were eating in the far corner and one family had pulled three tables together to accommodate all their kids.

"Avery, look at all the food! You want to decide what to have?"

"No."

"Isn't your tummy hungry?"

"Ben. Where Ben?"

"Ben's getting all fixed up so he'll feel better. Now why don't you have some fruit salad?"

She shook her head but they got her something anyway. She grumbled unhappily when they sat down and she shoved the food away, burying her face in her arms. Lindsay knew just how she felt, overwhelmed and scared, but right now she had to focus on getting through the next hour or so. She could cry and hyperventilate when it was all over, even though she wanted to do that right now.

Adam reached across the table for her hand and she let a tear slide down her cheek.

"He's going to be okay baby. They found it in time. No complications. He's good."

"I know."

"Your heart is in your throat huh?"

"Yeah."

"Mine too."

* * *

"Glasses!" Ben wailed, jerking his head from side to side as he came out of the drug-induced sleep. "My glasses!"

"They're right here," Lindsay intoned softly, trying to stop his movements so she could put his glasses on him. She finally managed and he looked up at her, taking a deep breath before he started crying again.

"Dunner! I want Dunner!"

"Not right now sweetie. I'm sure he'll come to see you in the morning, okay?"

"Mama they asked me if I liked bubble gum! I said yes and then I smelled bubble gum and then I falled asleep and I don't got no gum!"

"Shh, honey, it's okay. You need to calm down. Everything is fine."

"Mama my belly still hurts."

"I know. You're going to be achy for a little while."

"I don't like this! Where's sissy? Can I have a color book? I want some applesauce!"

"Ben, settle down. You don't need to yell okay? Everything is alright."

"Mama it was scary! I haved a dream. Don't 'member it much. Everybody gotted hurt. I had to fix them. Cole could not help me for he was hurt too."

"It was just a dream, baby," she said, stroking his cheek gently. "It's all over."

"What did they do with my 'pendix?" he asked, starting to mentally clear away the fog.

"What do you mean?"

"The 'pendix what they taked out of my belly mama! What they done with it? Will they fix it and put it back inside me? Will I have to eat it to get it in my belly? Did they make me a new one?"

"No sweetie, it's all gone."

"Did they throw it in the trash? What if I need my 'pendix later on in my life?"

"You won't need it later honey."

"I feel like a part of me is missin'. A part I didn't even knowed I had."

"Honey I think it's time we lay off the country music."

"Could you please hold me mama? My whole noggin inside feels real weird."

"Does it hurt?"

"No. It's confused and tired. And sad. Can you hold me mama please?"

"I can't hold you just yet honey."

"Well then could you hug me because I'm 'bout to start cryin' like a puppy what's got no home."

She smiled and leaned down to hug him, being careful of his incisions and IV ports. He sniffled a few times and she was pretty sure he used her hair to wipe his eyes, but she didn't really care. His chubby hand reached up and clasped the locket around her neck, opening it skillfully, as he'd done hundreds of times before.

"Mama, where's Cole and sissy?"

"Colton's on his way here from school. Mac's bringing him. Avery's outside with daddy. She wants to see you very much but they can't let her come into this room."

"I want to see them."

"You're going to get moved to a different room in a little while and then you can see them, okay?"

"When can we go home?" he asked in a whisper, his lips close to her ear.

"In a few days baby. You get to stay here where it's quiet and comfortable and you have the nurses right there to take care of you if you need anything."

"I don't want to stay by myself!" he cried, tears spilling down his round cheeks.

"Oh honey, you won't be by yourself! Daddy and I will take turns getting to stay with you."

"Really?"

"Yes. You won't be alone Benjamin, I promise."

"I sure love you mama."

"I love you too baby. Now it's time for you to lay back down because you can't be sitting up too much right now."

She settled him back against the pillows and he sniffled as she took his glasses to clean them off.

"Can I tell you somethin' mama?"

"Sure honey."

"Daddy was real scaredy today. When we was drivin' to the hospital he kept blinkin' a lot and he was askin' me "Ben are you okay?" again and again."

Lindsay giggled at the way Ben pinched his nose in order to imitate Adam's voice.

"He was pretty worried about you. Appendixes can be tricky little boogers."

"He done a good job gettin' me here. He was drivin' real, real fast. Sissy throwed her arms in the air and said "Wheeee!" for a very long time!"

"I'm sure she did."

"I am very tired now. If I take a nap, you won't tell no one, right?"

"Scout's honor."

"Mama, you was not a Boy Scout!"

"I was a Girl Scout so neener neener."

He grinned up at her, trying his best to wink.

"You're a weirdo, mama. I love you lots."

"I love you too honey. Get some rest."

He sighed and closed his eyes and she watched him closely until the rhythm of sleep took over. She held his little hand in hers and stroked the soft skin, her mind tip toeing around the events of the day and what could have happened. She thought of the victim from this morning, so young, his life barely started. He was someone's son. Tonight that mother would not be so lucky as to sit by her son's hospital bed and hold his hand and thank the Lord above that he was whole and happy.

Lindsay fixed her eyes on her son, grateful that she had him, happy that he was who he was, overjoyed that he was healthy, and entirely aware that the blessings in her life had not run out today.


	229. Chapter 229

Ben woke up on and off for the rest of the afternoon and evening, sometimes confused and scared about where he was, but mostly in good spirits. He didn't mind when Avery hugged him and wouldn't let go, or when Colton asked him to describe the entire ordeal over and over again. He cracked jokes and asked weird questions just like normal and if it wasn't for the hospital setting, no one would know that he'd just undergone surgery.

Just before bedtime the doctor had him get up and walk, just a few steps across the room. He was scared to do it and he whimpered the entire way, but he managed it pretty well and looked very proud of himself as the blankets were tucked around him again.

"I'll be back to check on you in the morning Mr. Ben," the doctor said, patting his hand. "Get some sleep."

"Thanks doctor. I 'preciate it."

Avery was starting to get fussy again, rubbing her eyes and picking at her clothes while groaning. Her hair was a mess, she'd had snacks all day and no meals and she'd never gotten the nap she needed either.

"Who is gonna stay with me here tonight?" Ben asked expectantly, his eyes drifting from Lindsay to Adam and back again. "Whoever will gets to hang with me!"

"Oh, could I stay here tonight?" Colton asked, the thought just occurring to him. "I will keep Ben company and he won't be alone!"

"No, it's gotta be me or mama."

"Well… that's not very fair," Colton muttered, sitting down next to Ben. "I just want you to know that I would like to stay with you Ben."

"I know that Cole. I'd like you to stay too but maybe we would be talkin' and laughing too much for us to get rest."

"You're probably right," Colton agreed, placing his arm around his brother's shoulder. "I love you Ben."

"I love you too Cole. And sissy, I love you too."

She stopped her whining for a moment to smile up at her brothers, then went back to fussing and griping.

"Hey Cole?"

"Yeah?"

"Someday when you are a doctor, I will let you fix me when I get sick."

"Thanks Ben! That means a lot to me."

"I know you will be a good doctor. Know how I know? Because the doctor I got is real nice. And he reminds me of you. So I know you will be a good doctor."

"Wow! I hope I don't disappoint you."

"You won't. Brothers don't get disappointed. They just play together."

Colton laughed and nodded.

"Okay it's a deal between you and me Ben."

"Deal."

They shook hands on it, sealing their promise.

"Ben, mama's going to stay with you tonight," Adam said, coming over to the bed to tuck Ben in better.

"Okay daddy. You stay with me the next night?"

"Yeah, we'll plan on that. Right now I've got to take Colton and Avery home so they can go to bed too."

"Alright. Mama will be here for me. I love you daddy."

"I love you too Ben. I'll see you in the morning."

Colton and Avery said goodnight too and were wrestled into their coats before being ushered out the door.

"Mama, did you got jammies?"

"Jo brought me a bag with all my stuff in it."

"Jo-Jo was here?"

"She and Mac came to drop Colton off earlier."

"Oh. Did they see me?"

"Yeah. You were sleeping pretty hard."

"I been sleepin' a lot today," he sighed while she stretched out on the bed next to him. "Can we call Dunner? I really want to see him. Please mama?"

Lindsay checked the time and bit her lip, remembering the slight tiff with Austin at the crime scene this morning. She didn't really feel like calling her now, but Ben looked so cute with his pleading eyes and his love for his best friend that she couldn't say no.

"Alright, I'll call them but they might not be able to come, okay? You might have to wait until morning."

"That's okay mama. I just need to speak with him."

She smiled and found her phone, dialing Austin's number and waiting through four rings, wondering if she was even going to answer.

"Hey Lindsay."

"Hey. Do you have a minute?"

"I always have at least a minute for you Linds. I might even have two."

It would have sounded sarcastic to the untrained ear, but Lindsay knew it was a comment that said their earlier gruffness with each other was forgotten.

"So um, Ben's in the hospital."

The screeching on the other end told her that dropping a bomb like that wasn't acceptable and she spent the next few minutes trying to get the entire story out while Austin berated her for not calling sooner.

"He's doing fine now, he's been out of bed and he kept some juice down."

"You could have opened with that! Geez Lin, I'm over here sweating bullets for no reason!"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. He's really fine?"

"Yeah. He's been begging to see Junior for hours."

"I can bring him by for a little while."

"You don't have to do that."

"Hey, Ben just got himself all sliced up, I think the least I can do is bring his best friend to see him."

"Okay. We'll see you in a little while."

They hung up and Lindsay yawned, brushing Ben's hair back from his face.

"Well?"

"Austin's going to bring Junior by in a little bit."

"Okay. Will you tell me a story while we wait?"

"What kind of story?"

"A story you really like. One what makes you happy when you think 'bout it."

"Did I ever tell you what it was like the very first time I saw you?"

"Don't think so."

"You were so handsome Ben. You had no hair and you had really chubby cheeks and you looked just like your daddy. You looked up at me with those big wide eyes of yours and I couldn't look away."

"Why not?"

"I don't know. You just had some special kind of magic."

"I had magic? Was I wearing a hat with a rabbit in it?"

She laughed and kissed his cheek.

"No, you weren't wearing a hat."

"Maybe I really are Harry Potter! Could I get a owl? And a broom what's for playing cabbage?"

"Quidditch, honey, and no you're not Harry Potter. That's not the kind of magic I was talking about. There was just something in your eyes Ben, I felt like you could read my mind. I felt like you knew me better than anyone else in the world could ever know me."

"I like that, mama. Like how I know when you're sad even if you're laughin'."

"How do you know it Ben?"

"Because," he sighed trying to think of how to put it into words. "Some of your beautiful goes away."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't really know mama. Mostly when you smile when you're sad, I don't see all your teeths."

She snorted and started to laugh, finding herself more amused at the total seriousness in his voice than in the words he actually said. There was no reason to think that he wasn't telling the truth. He wouldn't make up something like that, and that was possibly what made it more amusing.

"Ben I love you so much I can't even describe it."

"I know. You tell me and kiss me all the time."

"I can't help it. You have the most kissable cheeks known to humankind."

"That's what they say," he sighed with a shrug, as it was somewhat of a burden.

She smiled and they fell into silence for a while, watching each other, holding hands and letting the day calm around them.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"I wish daddy was here too. Life is best when we're all together. I like when sometimes we take a nap together, all of our home family. I love how we are all close to each other. That's my favorite."

"Mine too, baby."

* * *

"Whoa Binyin!" Junior said in a whisper, surveying the room. "All this junk to keep you alive?"

"Yep! They taked somethin' out of me what they're not gonna give back!"

"My goodness," he replied with a shake of his head, sounding like Jo. "How are ya feelin'?"

"I feel loopy. Because of the medicine."

"Where is the thing they taked out of you?"

"Dunner, no one will tell me!"

"Ma, can you lift me up there to sit next to Binyin?"

"Sure sweetie," Austin said, lifting him up and putting him on Ben's good side. "There, don't be rowdy."

"Okay ma."

"Ben I think I need to kiss ya," Austin said, hugging him tightly.

"I think mama already kissed my cheeks until they're gone, but you could kiss right here!" he suggested, pointing to his forehead. She laughed and kissed his forehead a few times before looking into his eyes.

"I'm glad you're okay little man."

"Me too. I would not feel good 'bout dyin' right now. I still gotta go to kindergarten."

"Yes you do."

He turned and started talking to Junior, so Austin moved to one of the chairs next to his bed.

"How are you doin' Lin?"

"Fine. It'll hit me in a few days."

"Did you have a cry yet?"

"A little one, but then he woke up and started crying too so I had to stop."

"Did the doctor say the surgery went okay?"

"Yeah, for the most part. They had to give him some extra blood though, and that part freaked Adam out."

"You and Ben are both bleeders, huh?"

"Yeah. But the rest of the surgery was fine, they said it was really fast and not complicated or anything. He had a hard time waking up, he was really confused and drowsy and then all the sudden he was crying and sad. It was like a teenage girl."

"Poor little Binyin."

"He's okay now. Doesn't mind staying in bed and having broth to eat. He might be my hospital baby but he's a good patient."

Austin was quiet for a moment while they watched the boys have their own conversation.

"Lin, something else is going on isn't it?"

"Yeah," she confessed with a sigh. "It doesn't really seem important right at this minute though."

"Are you going to tell me?"

"Adam got a job offer in D.C."

"So that's what it feels like when the rug is pulled out from under you."

"He hasn't decided if he's going to take it or not but… we might move."

"Does Ben have one of those pink barf buckets over there? I need to throw up."

Lindsay stayed silent while Austin breathed deeply and tried to line everything up in her head.

"Is it a good job?"

"Yeah. It's a lot of money. But I don't know if that really matters much."

"Lin, you guys can't leave."

"I know. Believe me, I don't have any desire to go. But I've been thinking that if we do, we can still visit, there's still phones and Skype and we can still vacation together sometimes too. It won't be terrible. It's not an entire world away. It's a four hour drive, we could meet about halfway in Wilmington sometimes. And none of that really makes me feel much better."

"Me neither. Ten minute walk to a four hour drive. I'm not happy about this. When does he have to decide?"

"He needs to let them know by next week."

"What do you think he'll decide?"

"I don't know. I don't think he knows either. It's a great job, he would be good at it and if it was here, he probably would have taken it already. He's just trying to decide if the perks outweigh the moving part of it."

"They don't."

Lindsay just nodded sadly, her heart constricting.

"I don't want to go."

"Maybe you won't have to. Maybe he'll decide to stay here."

"Yeah. I'm trying not to worry too much about it."

"Why didn't you say anything?" Austin asked after a moment of silence.

"Because Adam didn't want anyone influencing his decision. I wanted to tell you so much but…"

"It's okay. I won't tell him I know, but if he decides you guys are moving, I will hold it against him forever."

"Okay."

"I should take Daniel home, it's getting late."

"Yeah, Ben needs his sleep, no matter how much he claims he's not tired."

As if to agree with their observations the nurse entered the room at that moment to check Ben's vitals before bed.

"Nurse Shirley, this is my best buddy Junior but I call him Dunner."

"Hi Junior. Are you keeping Ben company?"

"Just for now. My ma said we could only stay a few minutes."

"Yeah, it's getting late," she agreed, sticking a thermometer into Ben's mouth. He wrinkled his nose but kept it I there until it beeped, showing no fever.

"Okay Ben, looks like you're ready to go to sleep. Do you need anything before I go?"

"No thanks nurse Shirley. You've been very helpful."

She smiled and gathered her things before leaving the room.

"Daniel, time to go."

"Just a little while longer ma?"

"No sweetie. Ben needs sleep and so do you."

"Okay ma. Bye Binyin. I will see you when you get home to your house. I hope you feel better real, real soon."

"Thanks for comin' to see me on such short notice Dunner."

They shared a hug and Junior climbed down from the bed to join Austin by the door. The boys gave each other a little wave and a smile and soon Ben and Lindsay were left alone.

"Well I think I am going to change clothes and go to sleep. How 'bout you baby?"

"Will you lay in my bed with me and hold my hand?"

"For a little while."

"Thanks mama. You're a special lady."

* * *

Two days later Ben was allowed to go home, much to the relief of everyone except Ben himself, who had found that he very much enjoyed telling all his stories to the new audience of every doctor, nurse and orderly that would listen. It was as if he felt that his entire duty in life was to tell stories and he took the whole thing very seriously.

Once they got home he crashed hard into bed, holding his stuffed animals and sleeping as if he hadn't slept in weeks. Avery was very upset that he couldn't play, and threw a tantrum in the hallway, indicating that she would need a nap as well. Colton on the other hand was content to sit on the bedroom floor with a book, looking up at his brother every few minutes to make sure he was okay. He'd become even more protective over the last few days and had admitted that he was very mad that they had not taken him out of school immediately so he could be there for Ben.

For their parts, Adam and Lindsay were both exhausted beyond measure, both physically and emotionally and as they lay sprawled on the couches Adam could do nothing but let out a wry laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"Babe, we're not moving."

"What?" she asked, wrinkling her forehead. She hadn't thought about the job offer in days.

"We can't move. We'd never survive on our own. Can you imagine trying to juggle two kids and a third in the hospital with none of our friends to help us? There is no way."

"I don't want you to make this decision right now, Adam-"

"Linds, I've already made it. The money doesn't matter, the job doesn't matter, what's best for our family is staying here. The only reason I held out this long is because you told me to really think about it."

"But… don't you want the job?"

"Sure I want the job, but I also want to be headmaster of Hogwarts and that's not going to happen. I would rather have our family be happy than be able to produce a powerful patronus charm."

She laughed and rolled off her couch to join him on his, kissing him softly with gratitude for his decision. She'd promised to support him if he decided to move, but she was so glad he'd decided to stay and she wouldn't have to fight off resentment.

"Adam, I don't know why you are the way you are but I'm glad that you are."

"Well… you're welcome."

"You know I would have gone with you right?"

"Of course. Divorce is expensive and you hate paperwork."

"Adam Ross."

"Yes, I know."

She smiled and closed her eyes, feeling like a huge weight had lifted off of her, a weight that she hadn't realized was quite so heavy. She wanted to say something incredibly mushy that sounded so stupid in her head that it almost embarrassed her and she would have said it anyway if it weren't for Colton hopping down the stairs and climbing up to lay across the back of the couch. He sighed lightly and looked down at them with a face of concentration then yawned a little.

"What's goin' on in your world bud?" Adam asked.

"I've got a problem I need y'alls help with."

"I like your use of y'alls. What's the problem?"

"Well, you see it might be more like a dilemma," he started, resting his head on his arms and sighing deeply. "I have these two friends at school. And one of them is my best friend in the world. And the other one is a girl I got a crush on."

"So it's Isa and another girl?"

"Yes. See, me and Isa always hang out at recess because we don't have class together. I love Isa a lot. Like really a lot. Well you know how much. And I want to play with her all the time. But here comes the dilemma. The girl I got a crush on, her and Isa don't play together much. They like each other just fine. They are nice to each other. But the problem is that they like to play different stuff and I want to play with both of them; Isa because she's my best friend and the other girl because I like her a lot and she makes my heart do this funny beating thing that feels good. So what do I do? I don't want to make Isa mad by not playin' with her. And I don't want the other girl to think I don't like her because I am playing with Isa. So now what?"

"Well buddy I didn't have a problem involving two women until I was… well actually I never had this problem. You're quite the Casanova son."

"Yeah, except that doesn't exactly solve my problem daddy."

Adam and Lindsay both laughed, feeling guilty for it because this was something very important to Colton.

"Honey have you talked to Isa about this?"

"I'm kind of afraid to."

"Why?"

"Because mama. I don't want her to be jealous. I don't want her to be mad. I don't want her to think I don't want to be her friend anymore."

"I don't think Isa will think any of that honey. You've been friends your entire lives and I don't think there's anything that could make you two stop being friends so easily. And it's always best to be honest."

"Okay. How should I tell her?"

Adam and Lindsay exchanged a brief look, silently battling over who was going to have to field the question.

"I think maybe what you should do is tell Isa that you have a crush on someone. If she gets mad you don't have to tell her everything right then. And if she seems okay, you can keep telling her about it. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. So I just gotta roll with the punches."

"That might be your best course of action."

"I feel better talking about it. I'll tell Isa next time I see her. Thanks for helping me."

"Hey Colton," Adam started, grabbing his hand before he could slide off the couch. "Thanks for letting us help you. You know you can ask us for help anytime, no matter what, right?"

"Yep I know. I'm gonna go check on Ben."

He ran quietly upstairs and Lindsay smiled as she watched him go.

"We've got pretty good kids, huh?"

"They're quite astounding, especially taking their parentage into account."

"Hey we're not so bad. A little nerdy. Easily amused. Definitely not the cool parents."

"I don't know about that, we might be. Guess we're going to have to wait and see what we're up against."

"I guess so."

He smiled and squeezed her tightly while pressing a kiss to her forehead.

"Up against the world, just another day."

"Wouldn't trade it for anything."


	230. Chapter 230

A/N: Sometimes you don't need anything but a normal day.

* * *

It was the first morning of direct sunlight that they'd had so far this spring, and her eyes fluttered open before the alarm went off, just so she could look at it. The house was silent, meaning the kids were either still asleep or they were just laying in bed too, and Adam wasn't even snoring. She sighed gently and rolled over, smiling at his sleep face that made him look like a kindergartener with a beard. He cleared his throat and she reached up to push her fingers through his hair. His nose wrinkled a little and he opened his eyes, smiling when he saw her.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"What are you doing awake already?"

She shrugged and found his hand silently inspecting it.

"What are you doing?"

"Memorizing your fingerprints."

"Worthwhile endeavor I suppose," he said, not even beginning to question her answer. "So what's on our menu for today?"

"We promised the kids the zoo if it wasn't raining. I thought on the way home we could sign the boys up for swimming lessons this summer."

"Okay. I like days off."

"Me too. Except I'm still thinking about that case."

"Which one?"

"Alan Deerhurst, the kid that was strangled in the park. It's really bugging me that we can't match that female blood sample."

"DNA takes a while sometimes."

"I know. I just feel bad having a day off where there's an open case."

"Don't start thinking like Mac or I might as well just buy you a cot and let you sleep there."

"Okay."

He chuckled and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"We would miss you. You know we can't survive without you."

"Mama, Aves is stinky!" came a yell from downstairs.

"Yeah, her diaper is so full!"

"Why do they always shout for me when the diaper needs changing?"

"I trained them that way," Adam retorted, rolling over as she stood from the bed. As soon as he said it, he wanted to take it back because a pillow came slamming down across his back.

"Mister, do you not realize the danger of saying such things before I've had coffee?"

"I do realize, however-"

"I believe you need consequences for your ignorance."

"Babe, don't-"

"And your cowardice!"

She swung the pillow again and he tried to roll out of the way, but her aim was bad and he ended up rolling right into it. In the second that she let herself laugh, he leapt forward and grabbed her around the waist, wrenching the pillow from her hands and tossing it to the floor. She let out a yelp of surprise and tried to get away before they both tumbled back to the bed, their knees knocking together painfully.

"Pillow fights aren't supposed to hurt!" he said, trying to hold onto her and tend to his aching joints at the same time.

"You're the one that grabbed me," she replied, blowing her hair out of her eyes and pressing her foot against his thigh, hoping to break his balance so she could pin him down. It was an unneeded strategy because he sneezed just a second later and she was able to gain the upper hand, pinning him down by straddling his stomach.

"Babe no offense but I can't breathe."

"Lungs aren't in your stomach Einstein."

"Stomach has to expand to make room for air, Edison."

"Insulting me with science? Don't you know how risky that could be?"

"I am pretty sure the risk outweighs the probable result."

"Ahem," she said pointedly, her eyebrows dancing. His eyes drifted to the door and he frowned, finding all three kids standing there giggling. Avery had stripped her pajamas off in the night and her hair was standing up everywhere, while the boys sported undershirts and no pants.

"As we said, sissy gots a dirty diaper," Ben announced, his hand on his hip. "And one of you gots to clean it."

"Maybe Avery should clean it herself," Adam suggested hopefully. All this did was make Avery burst into tears and shouts of "Can't! Can't!" while stomping her feet.

"Daddy, you made her cry, you'd better go change her," Lindsay sighed, letting him go. He grumbled and rolled off the bed, scooping Avery carefully into his arms and taking her downstairs. The boys hopped onto the bed and rubbed the sleep out of their eyes then bounced around on their knees.

"Ben, be careful honey," Lindsay reminded him, watching closely. It had only been two weeks since his surgery and the doctor said he could go back to school but he still couldn't play rough. Colton had been accommodating to his brother's predicament, and they'd spent a lot of time reading and drawing together. A few times Lindsay had walked into the room and heard them both speaking in serious voices, although she couldn't make out what they were saying exactly. She had a feeling it was something they deemed very important that she would probably never find out about. That was perfectly fine, she was glad they had such a close relationship, especially at a time when their age gap was so pronounced.

"I'm being careful mama. My body tells me when I need to slow down. Right now it is sayin' to me "Keep bouncin' Ben. This is fun!" So I will bounce just a bit longer."

She laughed and shook her head.

"Okay honey."

"So it's not rainin'," Colton said with a happy sigh, laying down next to her. "That means we get to go to the zoo, right? With the Messers?"

"Yeah, we're going to the zoo."

"I 'member the last time we went, when Ben was littler than Aves. You remember Ben?"

"Nope. Me and mama and Dunner goed to the 'quarium. Where the fishes live."

"I went to an aquarium with my class before, but it was not the big one you went to Ben. Last time at the zoo, me and daddy made a list of all we wanted to see. Want to make a list with me this time Ben? You could be the official check mark maker."

"I could, I really could?" Ben asked excitedly, his eyes wide. "I will do the best job, Cole!"

"I know, that's why I suggested it. Maybe you and Junior could do it together. Me and Isa could spot the animals and Sarah will show you where they are on our list. Aves will watch and learn. Do you want to do that?"

"Yes, but what will the grown ups do?"

"They'll hold our stuff of course!"

"I can't wait to go to the zoo! Mama, are you happy?"

"Yes, I'm happy. Why don't you two go and get dressed. Jeans and longs sleeves please."

They climbed down from the bed and went downstairs, talking loudly all the way about what they were going to see at the zoo.

"And Ben, we'll get to see the naked mole rats!"

"Naked!" Avery hollered, clapping her hands.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

"Daddy may I ride on your shoulders?" Sarah asked sweetly, her eyes wide and her hands clasped together tightly.

"Sure. Up you go!" Danny said, swinging her up and onto his shoulders. She was almost too tall for this, but she definitely wasn't too heavy yet, so he wasn't going to mention it.

"Daddy, shouldas?" Avery asked, wanting to be just like Sarah.

"Okay, but only if you tell me when you have to go potty."

"Okay, okay! Up!"

She laughed as he settled her onto his shoulders and she gained a totally new perspective.

"Ah mama, see Avery!"

"Wow baby, you're so tall."

"Avery up, up, up!" she said, clapping her hands and kicking her legs. "Ben see?"

"Yep sissy, I see," Ben replied, not looking up from the list that he and Colton had made. Avery frowned, but then her attention was taken away by animal sounds in the distance and she hollered loudly in reply.

"Averylin do you think you are one of the monkeys?"

"Yes! Monkey, ooh, ooh!"

"Maybe we should leave her with her kind," Adam chuckled, holding her legs so she wouldn't kick him again. Lindsay chuckled and tried to figure out how they were going to keep track of all the kids in such a crowded place without losing their minds. Avery would probably move down into the stroller after a while and Sarah would be content to hold a hand. Colton and Isa could be persuaded to at least stay within grabbing distance and Ben and Junior didn't like crowds and would stick close without much prodding. It was the initial excitement and the afternoon crankiness where the problems would arise.

"So where are we goin' first?" Isa asked, hopping from foot to foot. "I want to see every animal you know. We'd better get started."

"Alright Ms. Pragmatic," Austin said, crouching down to tie Junior's shoe for the third time. "Are you going to get the map out and lead us somewhere?"

"Heckles yes I am!"

She tore the map out of her pocket and looked it over, turning it in her hands a few times to try and figure out where they were.

"Colt, what am I doing?"

"I don't know. Here, put it on this bench so we can see better."

They perused the map for a while and decided that the sea lions would be the first attraction. It was only about 50 yards away but getting there was slow going, especially when Ben and Junior wandered off and immediately started screaming that they were "losted."

"Ben, cay-ful," Avery admonished, shaking her head. "No go bye."

"I'll be careful, sissy. I'll hold mama's hand so I don't get leaved 'ahind."

Avery nodded solemnly as they made their way into the sea lion exhibit. There was a demonstration going on, and the kids were more than happy to sit and watch the animals perform tricks and have a feeding.

"Lookit that ma, those sea lions are kissin'!" Junior laughed, shaking his head. "They don't got no lips!"

"No, I guess they really don't."

"How come they got those longish hands?" he asked, scratching his ear and adjusting his backwards hat. "There's no fingers, how do they get things open?"

"They use 'em to swim, Dunner," Ben offered. "They don't got to open much, far as I know. I think I'd like to be like them."

"Me an' you could swim deep down in the ocean! You guys wanna come with me and Binyin when we become sea lions?"

Isa shook her head.

"I'd rather be a land lion. I want to be the man one so I could be the leader. Cole, you wanna be the man tiger so we could be best friends still?"

"Yep. Sarah, what would you be?"

"A giraffe," she answered. "They have long legs to do ballet. Averylin?"

"Avery monster. Roar!"

"No, what kind of animal do you want to be?"

"Oh. Bear! Roar!"

"Oh Averylin," Sarah sighed, shaking her head. "You are just so silly."

Avery giggled and pulled on Adam's hair.

"Ow!"

"Go daddy! Fast!"

"Avery, I'm not a horse."

"Oh horse! Avery horse!"

"Honey, do you want to go in the stroller?"

"No!"

"Okay, okay."

After a while they left the sea lions, letting Sarah pick what to see next. She picked the Madagascar exhibit, but it was pretty crowded so they didn't stay long. Ben and Junior were happy to lead the way to the monkey house, but Ben wasn't so happy when a pigeon swooped down and left a dropping on his shirt.

"Ew! Ew! Ew! Mama! That bird done left a poo on me!"

"It'll wash off," Lindsay said with a shrug. She was long past caring about dirty clothes.

"But it's poo, mama! On me!"

"Wear it like a badge of honor."

"Oh alright. C'mon Dunner, race ya!"

The boys set off at top speed, but Junior was too concerned with the mark on Ben's shirt to pay attention to where he was going, and he tripped over a crack in the ground and fell ungracefully to his knees.

"Dunner falled!" Ben shouted before Junior had a chance to take stock of his injuries. "Get 'im 'fore he gets stepped on by the tourists!"

Austin grabbed Junior off the ground checking his knees and elbows, finding lots of scrapes and cuts from the gravel.

"You okay bub?"

"I need bang-daids."

"I don't have any, honey."

"Aunt Lin gots 'em. She keeps 'em for sissy for she always fall down."

"Avery fall," Avery confirmed with a nod. "Boo-boo knee."

Lindsay handed Austin the small first-aid kit she kept in the diaper bag, and pretty soon they were on their way again, Junior clinging to his mom not because he was actually hurt but because it was an excuse to have her all to himself.

* * *

By lunchtime Avery had fallen asleep on Adam's shoulders, her arms clasped around his forehead. He didn't mind, but she produced a lot of heat when she slept and it was getting uncomfortable in the midday sun. Lindsay took their snoring daughter from him in exchange for Ben who had dirt stuck to the snot on his face.

"I think these kids need lunch and I am saying that mostly because I need lunch," Austin admitted, pulling a leaf out of Isa's hair.

They got all the kids situated at the tables while Adam and Danny went to buy lunch. Colton and Isa were deep in conversation about something and Sarah sat across from them, nodding along and chewing on her fingernail.

"As much as I love them, these kids are a lot of work," Lindsay said, trying to juggle Avery and wipe Ben's face at the same time.

"I know. Good work, but work all the same."

Avery woke up then, bursting into tears for no apparent reason. Ben reached over and patted her back until she calmed down, then gave her a little smile.

"You didn't miss too much while you was sleepin', sissy. Just when Cole an' Isa fighted over the map. But then we finded another one."

"Okay Ben. Avery have mama."

"Okay. You have mama."

She nodded and closed her eyes again, obviously not quite done with her nap. She'd fight sleep as long as she could, and she would fight waking up just as much. Adam said she had too much Lindsay in her, but Lindsay wasn't sure she was quite that stubborn.

"I'm glad you guys are staying here," Austin commented. "I have no idea what we'd do without each other."

"I agree. They did offer for Adam to come down there and teach a summer course, so he still might go do that."

"How long would he be gone?"

"Four weeks. He can try it out and get it out of his system I guess."

"You're gonna be a wreck with him gone."

"I know. I was thinking about taking the kids to Montana one of those weeks, but I don't know about doing vacation without him. I guess time will tell."

"You're so chill about it. I mean you're feigning chill."

"You know me well."

Their conversation was interrupted by the guys coming back with the food.

"I don't want that!" Ben whined, pointing at the perfectly acceptable lunch sitting in front of him.

"Benjamin, you know the rules."

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit," he recited, resignation in his voice. "But I am not throwin' a fit, I am gently statin' my 'pinion!"

"And now you're arguing with your mama."

"Oh sigh," he grumbled, sitting down and eating his lunch.

"Where did that kid come from?" Danny muttered, raising an eyebrow.

"I think we might have taken the wrong one from the hospital," Adam whispered back.

"Hey ma!" Isa shouted suddenly, waving her hand to get Austin's attention. "Was I a Oreo?"

"A what?"

"A Oreo! Was I one?"

"Um… sure."

"That's what I thought."

She returned to her conversation while Austin and Danny exchanged a strange look.

"What in the world was that about?"

"Last night the boys asked where babies come from. Since I answered last time, I figured Adam could handle it this time," Lindsay started casting a long glance at her husband. "And somehow in the conversation they concluded, despite his fumbling attempts to correct them, that all babies start out as cookies."

"I couldn't save it!"

"Then they fought over which one of them was a chocolate chip and which was peanut butter, but agreed that Avery was one of those gigantic frosted sugar cookies."

"Really brings new meaning to the phrase Girl Scout Cookies, doesn't it?" Danny chuckled, shaking his head.

"How does that even make sense?"

"Well apparently the mom eats the cookie and it turns into a baby somewhere over the course of nine months. Apparently Jess ate two cookies at once, and that's why she had twins."

"What if you're just eating cookies because you like them?"

"Oh see, the dad has to bring the cookie to the mom. This makes the cookie magical and able to turn into a baby. If you get the cookie yourself, it's a dud."

"That is some awesome deductive reasoning your cookies have," Austin said with a chuckle.

"I blame their father."

"Hey, I did my best!" Adam defended. "Would you rather they heard the nitty gritty?"

"No. And don't go thinking you're going to be very familiar with the nitty gritty yourself for a while, okay?"

The look on his face was worth making that statement out loud and she smirked before moving Avery into the stroller.

"See Danny, I was right about her," Adam said, shaking his head. "She's evil."

"Bring her a cookie, it'll soften her up."

"I think this is going to be a running family joke for many years to come."

* * *

"Sissy's splashing all the water outta the tub!" Ben hollered into the hallway where Adam was getting towels out of the closet.

"Avery, stop splashing."

"Daddy, fun!" Avery argued, her hands slapping through the water again.

"Avery, I told you-"

His admonishment was cut short as he walked into the bathroom and slipped in the water, falling flat on his back on the floor. He couldn't stop the profanities that tumbled out of his mouth, and Avery and Ben stared at him in awe.

"Oh my daddy," Avery whispered after a moment, her splashing hands stilled.

"Mama! Daddy falled down and hurt hisself and swored! Come quick!"

Colton and Lindsay came up the stairs, finding Adam still on the floor, trying to get his breath back.

"Babe, are you alright?" Lindsay asked, carefully making her way over the wet tile floor to crouch down next to him.

"I'm fine."

"How many fingers?"

"Three."

"How about now?" she asked, pulling her hand back.

"Four. My head hurts."

"I'd say so. Can you sit up?"

He managed to sit up with her help, feeling dizzy and a little nauseous.

"You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"You're bleeding. Go lay down upstairs and I'll be up in a minute."

He managed to stand and stagger upstairs while Lindsay cleaned up the bathroom floor.

"Who splashed?"

"Avery," she admitted, dropping her chin to her chest and letting tears come into her eyes. "Hurt daddy."

"No more splashing in the tub, okay?"

"Sorry. Oh mama, so sorry!"

"It's okay. Finish your bath, I'll be back in a minute to get you out. Colton will you keep an eye on them?"

"Sure mama."

She gathered some supplies and went upstairs, finding Adam face down on the bed.

"You okay honey?"

"Yeah. Knocked the wind out of me."

"Let me see your battle wound."

"You know, bath time should come with hazard pay," he said while she inspected the new cut on the back of his head. "Or helmets."

"Or husbands that are more sure-footed."

"Babe, I'm injured!"

"Sorry sweetie. Are you going to scream if I clean it out?"

"Nah, go for it."

She poured some peroxide onto a rag then dabbed it gently at the cut. He made a noise of discomfort and she finished quickly, figuring that there wasn't really a way to bandage him up.

"Okay, all done. Want a lollipop?"

"You're very forward, aren't you doctor?"

"I still have the peroxide, sir."

"Thank you miss, that will be all."

She giggled and leaned down to kiss him before heading back downstairs to put the kids to bed. Ben had already climbed out of the tub and was drying off while Avery sat in the water, staring at her pruny hands with a frown on her face.

"Ben, go get your jammies on and I'll tuck you boys into bed in a little while."

"Okay mama."

They boys left the bathroom and Lindsay drained the tub, then pulled Avery out of the water and wrapped her in a towel.

"What's the matter baby?"

"Avery hurt daddy."

"No, daddy's okay. It was a mistake."

"Avery naughty. Sad."

"You don't need to be sad. Everything is okay."

"Oh."

"Want to get into your jammies and I'll rock you for a while?"

"Yes mama. Nice."

They went into Avery's room and Lindsay dried her hair with the towel, then found comfortable pajamas for her.

"Mama," Avery said as they started to rock in the chair. "Pretty."

"I'm pretty?"

"Yes."

"Well thank you honey. Did you know you're pretty too?"

"Uh-huh. Avery look mama. Daddy say."

"Daddy said you look like me? Did he say something about you being stubborn like me too?"

"Yes mama!"

"That daddy of yours…"

"Mama, sing Avery. Please."

"I don't feel like singing tonight. How about you sing to me instead?"

"Okay. Twinkle star, twinkle star, E, F,G, spider spout. Twinkle star, what you are, N, O, P, rock-bye baby, diamond sky, twinkle star!"

"Oh, that was good."

"Baby 'aluga, baby 'aluga! Mary a wittle wamb school a'day. Twinkle star, twinkle star, sing with me!"

"Averylin Grace you are the silliest girl I have ever met in my life."

Avery giggled and pulled the quilt over her head.

"Like my hat?"

"I love your hat baby. Ready to go to sleep?"

"Cuddle. Mama an' daddy."

"Daddy's laying down and I need to put your brothers to sleep, but how about you come upstairs and cuddle in our bed in the morning?"

"Okay mama."

Lindsay stood up from the rocking chair and tucked Avery into bed, kissing her softly and making sure her favorite stuffed animals were securely in her arms.

"I love you baby girl. Sleep good."

She slipped out of the room and moved across the hall, finding that both boys were halfway asleep. She tucked them in and kissed them both, then picked up their dirty clothes off the floor and went upstairs.

"Feelin' okay babe?"

"Yeah. I'll be hurtin' in the morning, I know that for sure."

"Take some ibuprofen to try and head it off at the pass," she said, handing the bottle to him. He shook two out and chewed them while she changed her clothes and wrinkled her nose at him.

"I don't get how you chew those like that," she said, climbing into bed and checking the alarm clock.

"They work faster when you chew them."

"That's what the psychotic dad in _The Shining_ did. Are you going to start calling yourself a dull boy?"

"Redrum!"

"Adam you're so dorky. Why did I marry you?"

"Because I'm so dorky."

"Oh yeah, that's right," she grinned, rolling towards him. "Guess it keeps things exciting."

"That it does."

"Goodnight dork."

"'Night, dork lover."


	231. Chapter 231

A/N: Sorry this chapter is taking me SO LONG. I've been super busy and when I get home I have basically nothing in my head to write so I just read instead. Casework is always difficult to write, so it's back to your regularly scheduled meaningless fluff 'n stuff soon.

* * *

"Good news, we've got a hit on the DNA," Jo greeted without specifics.

Lindsay looked up from the computer, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. She'd fallen behind on every case lately, with Ben's surgery and recovery and then the normal day to day things, her mind wasn't even anywhere close to being on work at all. It had taken her over an hour to make it partially through case reviews and that usually only took twenty minutes. She was going to need specifics if this conversation was going to go anywhere.

"What?"

"Alan Deerhurst. 18 years old, found him in the park strangled with a belt."

"Okay, gotcha."

"Got some epithelials on the belt. No match in any database but it does give us a slight profile. Male, brown eyes, dark hair. More work to be done, but there's at least something."

"Three weeks and that's all we have?"

"We've been backlogged, but at least it's something."

"Anything back on the female blood at the scene?"

"Nothing so far, it's next up in the queue. Danny's been analyzing the casts we took at the scene of the foot prints and it looks like the vic walked up and surprised two people in a compromising situation."

"You know, we used to be able to do this a lot faster. I mean, machines were slower ten years ago, but we have so many more cases coming in every day, we've all get our hands in at least three at a time, if not more. I can't concentrate on one, I feel like I'm missing pieces of every case, like that one crucial clue is going to slip through the cracks."

"We need more bodies," Jo agreed, nodding slowly. "More bodies and more money. There's no shortage of people wanting a job, but there is no where to pay them from. Unfortunately that slows the wheels of justice, making people vote no on raising taxes to funnel into the system, and the cycle repeats itself."

"As always," Lindsay muttered, taking the file and looking it over. "Why would a man kill someone just because he stumbled upon two people procreating?"

"Embarrassment?

"Doesn't track. It had to have been something worse than just that. What else could he have interrupted?"

"Linds, I just got a bad feeling about this one."

"Me too. I think we need to check reported rapes."

"And hospital admissions."

"We're never going to get anything from the hospitals without warrants though, are we?"

"Probably not. Let's see what's been reported."

Lindsay opened a program on the computer to pull up recent police reports while Jo used another program to weed through 911 calls from the night of the murder.

"You know, we're doing all this on a hunch. We have no evidence that this happened."

"Maybe so Linds, but we don't have much evidence to go on at the moment. Might as well try every available avenue."

"I suppose. Do you know how many reported rapes there were in the last three weeks? It's disgusting. And there were probably four times as many that went unreported."

Jo nodded sadly, unable to say much because nothing really made it any better. They worked on in silence for quite a while searching through the seemingly endless results from the databases, looking for something, anything that might connect to their case.

"Alright, on the first go through I've got a few call reports here that might be something. The first one is a ten second call, sounds like someone running and then hanging up. The second is someone that reports an attempted rape and assault then hangs up, and the third is just someone crying before the phone starts cutting in and out then shuts off."

"I guess let's give them a listen."

It was several hours of playing and replaying a dozen 911 calls and matching them up with police reports to see who they could interview. It was a delicate process, they couldn't just barge into someone's house and start asking them questions about what was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to them. They had to be sure, they had to be gentle, and despite all that, they had to be fast.

Around noon Jo stood up from her chair, stretched as far as she could and said that she needed to go call Ellie and gently remind her once again to always carry her keys between her fingers. Lindsay nodded in understanding and hunkered down with the last call on their list, playing it through three times before filtering out the top layer of sound and listening to the background noise. She tracked the number back to a payphone right outside of Central Park, then ran into a roadblock waiting for the security cameras from that area to download their videos from the time and date she was looking for.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted, poking his head into the room. "Concentration face."

"Yeah. Waiting. Did you just get here?"

"A few minutes ago."

"Did Freddie show up on time to watch the kids?"

"Yeah. Ben was really excited about it and kept running around the house saying "I fink we should see Uncle Freddie every live long day!" and Avery was chasing him, trying to get the apple he had in his hand and when she tripped over the rug she thought it was his fault, called him Binyin, and then he yelled at her for calling him the name that only Junior is allowed to call him. They were both bawling when Freddie got there so I just apologized for the mess and left."

"Sounds like an average day."

"Basically. I think the two of them might do well with some time apart though. They get on each other's nerves."

"Only because they're so alike."

"What, strange?"

"Yes. I found Avery taking a nap in the tub the other day. When I woke her up she said "I a mermaid mama!" and kicked her legs like a tail. I don't know where she comes up with things."

Adam chuckled and crossed the room, leaning down to kiss his wife.

"Hey you two, none of that in the lab," Mac commented as he walked by. They pulled apart, embarrassed, but then saw the glint in his eye. He wasn't one to tease people normally, but everyone had caught him and Jo being affectionate in the lab too and no one had let it slip by unnoticed.

"So anyway, the house should be in a catastrophic state when you return."

"I appreciate it, especially since it was in perfect condition when I left."

"Leave it a mess and I'll help you clean up when I get home."

"Believe me, I will."

"I've got about ten thousand bits of trace to process so I'll see you later."

"Hey, c'mere," she said, grabbing for his hand as he headed out the door. "You gonna kiss me goodbye or do I have to spend the rest of the day wondering why you don't love me anymore?"

"I'll be right down the hall."

"Adam Ross, you kiss me right now or don't bank on kissin' me again for quite some time."

"Yeah right, like you could resist me for longer than a day."

"You want to play that out, see how it goes?"

"I'll think about it. For now I'm going to hedge my bets and kiss you."

"Smart man."

He kissed her for a fraction of a second longer than he normally kissed her in public, then stepped away, his face triumphant while she shook her head.

"Go forth and solve crime," she said, waving her hand at him.

"Same to you babe."

He left the room and she rubbed at her eyes then went back to the computer, wishing the distraction of him had lasted a little longer. She wasn't really interested in the seamy underbelly of the world right now and would rather be at home with the kids, watching movies and drinking hot chocolate. Hearing panicked phone calls over and over again wasn't really the ideal way to spend a rainy morning.

She listened to the phone call once again, trying to make out the sentence that she couldn't understand, playing it over and over and filtering it different ways to try and separate the street noise from the voice. She finally figured out that the voice was partially echoing off the plexi-glass of the pay phone station and managed to filter it out better.

"_Another man… he's hurt."_

"Bingo."

"Bingo sounds like you've gotten somewhere," Jo said as she came back into the room.

Lindsay nodded and let her listen to the call again, all cleaned up.

"I think we need to find this caller. Any luck?'

"Still waiting for the surveillance video feeds to download. If they don't catch anything I think we're out of luck."

"Nothing in any of our reports indicated another man at the scene, injured or otherwise. Maybe she never filed a report. She just hangs up at the end of this call, right?"

"Yeah. I guess officers were sent to the phone but she wasn't there anymore. Lifting prints isn't going to be an option after three weeks."

"No it's not. And you know, once we find this victim we're still going to have to find the guy that did all this."

"I feel sick."

"Me too."

The computer trilled indicating that the surveillance footage had been downloaded. They both pulled their chairs closer to the screen and began to watch the feed that was closest to the payphone. It was grainy and dark and they tweaked the few frames almost to the point of ridiculousness before they managed to get a decent screen capture of the callers face.

She was young, probably in her early twenties, tall with dark hair. Her clothes looked rumpled and she was hugging her arms around herself as best she could.

"Once we scan her face through the database Jo, there's no going back. We're going to have to question this girl about what happened to her."

"I know."

"I don't know if I want to do that to her."

"I don't either but we have to."

Lindsay nodded and sent the photo through all facial recognition databases then sat back and watched the computer work.

"Is there anything else we can do right now? We're just going on a hunch."

"I know. I think this is all we've got."

"Okay. I'm going to go call home and check on the kids while this is doing its thing."

Jo just nodded and Lindsay slipped out of the room, feeling nothing but guilt that their investigation now hinged on something that would be so painful for this victim.

* * *

The apartment was frigid as the rain dropped outside, tinkling against the glass whenever the wind blew. Lindsay wanted to sit on her hands to keep them from shaking but she couldn't do that; it made her look closed off, and she knew that wasn't going to be helpful right now.

"Shea, can you tell us what happened that night?"

They young girl sat quietly, her dark eyes darting around the room, looking like she hadn't eaten a full meal in days. Everything about her seemed hollow, her eyes, her voice when she'd spoken the few words at the door, the air around her even seemed like it had nothing in it. She was totally wasted away, yet still alive and breathing, almost as if her soul had been taken from her.

Lindsay's stomach quaked at how familiar it all seemed, the breaths of nothingness, the deep pain that caused numbness, the desire to run away, the fear that the calm was just a dream, that waking up would mean having it all come back. Her breath hitched in her throat and she tried to shake the feelings away, to push it all back so she could do her job.

"I worked a long shift," she started finally. "Didn't get my run in before the sun went down. I… I decided to go anyway."

No one said anything as Shea took a breath, trying so valiantly to collect her thoughts and say what had happened without bursting into tears or becoming so upset that she couldn't speak. Lindsay reached over and touched the cold, tiny hand, knowing that a sliver of human contact could help more than reassuring words, or sitting in silence.

"He came out of nowhere, pulled me into the bushes. And then he… started to…"

"It's okay."

"I tried to fight him but he was bigger than me. He held his hand over my mouth."

"And then what happened, Shea?"

"I don't remember. There was a man's voice and then… then I don't remember."

"I know it's hard," Lindsay said softly. "But I want you to close your eyes and take a breath and think through that day from the beginning."

"Okay."

"Now I want you to tell me everything that happened after you got to the park."

"The man had me behind some bushes. I kept my eyes closed. I thought he might kill me. And then I heard someone yelling. I don't know what he said, but then the first man was letting go of me and I got up. He was fighting with the second man and I thought I needed to stay and help but I just ran. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have been there in the first place. This is all my fault."

"No," Lindsay said, a little too sharply. "This is not your fault. Nothing that happened that night is your fault."

"If I hadn't gone into the park nothing would have happened. That kid would still be alive."

"It is not your fault, Shea. You did nothing wrong. You fought to survive."

"I didn't go to the police."

"You called 911," Jo said softly. "Sometimes that's all you can make yourself do. Sometimes the horror of what happened is so great that survival is the only thing you can think about. There's nothing wrong with that. Feeling guilty is only letting this man win."

"Would you be willing to come down to the precinct and give a description to a sketch artist?" Austin asked from her spot by the door, where she'd been standing silently for the last few minutes.

"I can try. But I don't remember much. I don't want to remember."

"That's alright. We can work with what you do remember, okay?"

Shea nodded and reached a shaky hand up to wipe her eyes. Her mannerisms reminded Lindsay so much of herself that it gave her pause. She knew exactly the feelings of guilt and fear and confusion and it was getting to be a little too much. She just wanted to go home and be with the kids and forget this entire case.

* * *

"Hello, this is Ben Ross and I am answerin' the phone because my Uncle Freddie said it was okay! Who is this?"

"Ben Ross, this is your mama, calling from work again because I'm going to be late coming home."

"Oh hey mama! I have the hic-hiccups! I don't know how to get them to away!"

"You can have a spoonful of vinegar or a spoonful of sugar if you want."

"I will do that after hic-we are off the phone."

"You know, you used to have hiccups a lot when you were in my tummy."

"Back when I was a cookie? Did it gi-hic give you them hiccups too?"

"No, but it sure felt funny."

"When I was in your tummy mama did you and hic-me have our talks like now?"

"No, you couldn't talk back, silly!"

Ben giggled and hiccupped.

"Speaking of talking, can I talk to Uncle Freddie real quick?"

"Well maybe, but I think sissy gots other ideas."

"Okay, I'll talk to her first."

There was a shuffling and crashing noise, then a frustrated scream from Avery before she came on the phone.

"Hi mama!"

"Hi Avery. What are you doing?"

"Play kitchen. Freddie tickle."

"Uncle Freddie is ticklish under his chin."

"Oh yay! I do. Mama home?"

"I'm not going to be home for a little while. Daddy will probably make it home before I do."

"Oh. Dinner?"

"Freddie or daddy will feed you."

"Rock mama?"

"I will try to be home in time to rock you, baby."

"Okay mama. Coley here. Homework."

"Does he want to talk to me too?"

"Coley! Mama on phone!"

The phone dropped to the floor with a loud clatter and it was a moment before Colton picked it up, sighing heavily as if Avery had inconvenienced him by her actions.

"Hey mama."

"Hey buddy. How's the homework?"

"I'm tired of it. What are you doing?"

"Working like crazy. I'm going to be home late tonight."

"Oh. Okay. I was hopin' to talk to you about somethin' important."

"You can talk to me right now honey."

"Well, I was thinkin' about talkin' to you and daddy at the same time. I can wait."

"Okay, but if you change your mind, you call me. Got it?"

"I know. When will daddy be home?"

"Sometime after seven. Will you help Freddie get Ben and Avery in their pajamas so they're ready to be put to bed when daddy gets home?"

"Yeah, I will," Colton said with what she was sure was a serious nod. "Want me to help with anything else?"

"No honey. It's a school day, you don't have to do any chores."

"Okay mama. What time do I have to go to bed?"

"At your normal time," she said with a grin, knowing that he was trying to get an extra few minutes because she'd given him a responsibility. "I'll come and kiss you goodnight as soon as I get home."

"It's a plan."

"Will you tell Uncle Freddie that I'm not going to be home by five and that there is some dinner in the fridge he can make?"

"Yep, I can."

"Thanks sweetie. I gotta go, but I will talk to you as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay mama. Be safe out there. I love you."

"I love you too Colton."

They hung up the phone and she rubbed her eyes, then glanced into the other room where Shea was sitting with one of the officers, creating a sketch of her attacker. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and she looked a lot thinner than she had been in the pictures they had seen in her apartment. Lindsay wanted to go in there and try to talk her though it, not what had happened but the last three weeks, after everything had changed. The time after a life changing event, the days where you weren't sure what to make of it could become much more damaging than the tragedy itself in some ways.

* * *

"Hey Linds. Coffee?" Jo asked, handing her the Styrofoam cup, made exactly how she liked it because the way people took their coffee was one of the first things Jo had learned upon arriving from DC, and it had ended up being one of her smartest first impression moves.

"Thanks."

"Are you okay? You've been quiet."

"I'm fine."

Jo perched on the side of the extra desk that had been shoved into the corner of the squad room and didn't say anything for a while.

"Can I ask you a question? You're free not to answer, but can I ask anyway?"

"Sure."

"What happened to you, Linds?"

Lindsay didn't know what to say, so she sipped her coffee and inspected her cup for several minutes, to the point of feeling like she was ignoring the question.

"I can tell you sometime, but not right now."

"Okay."

"Suffice it to say, the feelings you have after the fact are not lost on me. I know how she's feeling right now, to some degree at least."

"You wanna go home?"

"Jo, you know me better than that," she answered with a small grin. "No, I need to see this through."

"Alright. This coffee is terrible, who bought Yuban?"

"I don't know but I think I might swear off coffee for a while because of it."

"Lin, you couldn't swear off coffee if your life depended on it," Austin scoffed, sliding a report into the file Lindsay was holding.

"Here, you try this then," Lindsay said, handing the coffee up to her. Austin stubbornly took a long swig of it, then nearly spit it out.

"That's terrible. Gross."

"Then why do you keep drinking it?" Lindsay laughed, poking Austin's stomach.

"Because. Are they almost done with the sketch?"

"I think so. I'm going to go peek in and see."

Jo moved from the desk and slipped into the other room while Austin absentmindedly tugged on Lindsay's hair.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I think I just need a vacation."

"Don't we all?"

"Yeah. Can I ask what you're doing to my hair back there?"

"Sarah's teaching me how to braid. She's declared me a lost cause so I'm practicing when I can. Isa's tired of me yanking on her hair."

"Well carry on, just not so tight. That is of course until you realize you're being girly in the precinct."

"I am pretty sure everyone here has seen enough of our antics over the years to not really care much."

"Yeah. So why is Sarah wanting you to braid her hair now? Didn't you just perfect the bun-making?"

"I did. But the cool moms do braids and buns."

"Oh dear."

"I have to be the cool mom."

"Did you tell her you're already the cool mom?"

"Yes!"

"Did you show her your music collection?"

"She asked me if I had any Mozart because that's her favorite to warm up to."

"I'm so proud of her and yet… are you sure you brought the right kid home from the hospital?"

"Sometimes I wonder the same thing."

* * *

"If you need anything Shea, don't hesitate to call me, alright?" Lindsay said, holding out a light jacket for the younger woman. "If you want to be updated or if you just want to talk, you call that number anytime, okay?"

"Anytime?"

"Anytime. Middle of the day, middle of the night, six in the morning, don't think twice."

"Are you sure?" Shea asked as they headed out the front doors. "I don't want to bother you."

"It's not a bother. I'll have the time or make the time, alright?"

"What if you never find him?"

"I don't have a good answer for that. I wish I did."

"How do I move on? Knowing he's out there, knowing what happened because of me?"

"You stop telling yourself it was because of you. Don't worry about anything else right now. This isn't your fault. You are always going to feel guilty about it, you are always going to question how things could have been different, but you have to remember that you did not decide to do anything that was wrong. You are a victim and you are a survivor. You didn't cause this."

Shea stayed quiet and held her hand out for a taxi while Lindsay sighed a little.

"Please call me okay? And I'll let you know of anything new on the case, alright?"

"Yeah."

Shea climbed into the taxi and after one short glance out the window she was gone. Lindsay pulled her coat around herself and shivered, even though it wasn't that cold out. There was a rock sitting in her stomach, but there was nothing she could do to change Shea's mind either. Sighing deeply she walked back inside, gathering her things and saying goodbye to Austin who looked worried, and heading for home. She took the bus, staring out the window and counting the stops, feeling like there were way too many before she would be home. All she wanted to do was snuggle the kids then slip into a hot bath for a little while before falling asleep next to Adam where it was warm and safe.

The bus stopped several blocks from home and she had to hoof it the rest of the way, but she didn't mind much with the way the rain was falling around her, accompanying her on her journey. Her heart was so heavy that her steps were solid and long and by the time she reached the front door, she was exhausted out of her mind.

"Mama home, mama home!" Avery was shouting as she climbed off the couch. "My mama! Hi!"

"Hi baby," Lindsay said, crouching down and hugging her daughter close.

"Oh, mama wet."

"It's just rain. It's okay."

"Mama, Avery love you! Avery kiss you."

She pressed kisses all over Lindsay's face, her enthusiasm for seeing her mama just what Lindsay needed at the moment.

"I missed you so much today honey."

"Miss mama. We go play now huh?"

"No, it's time for bed. Where's daddy and the boys?"

"Uh… Avery night-night. Daddy boys in room."

"Averylin Grace, did daddy put you to bed already?"

There was silence from the little girl and she tipped her head to the side, batting her eyelashes furiously.

"Avery love mama. Sing me?"

The giant blue eyes rendered Lindsay incapable of doling out any punishment and she smiled, nuzzling Avery's cheek.

"What should I sing?"

"Jenn'fer Nett'os. Suga'land. Please."

Lindsay smiled and nodded, proud that her daughter could name a favorite singer even at this age. How could she say no to that request?

"When the weight of the world bears down so strong you leave footprints on the street, and there's too many miles to face without a few more hours sleep. The storm clouds overhead won't shed any rain to quench your thirst, I wanna be the one you reach for first."

"More mama," Avery yawned as they started up the stairs. "Sing more."

"When your faith is stretched so thin that you can see straight through your soul, and you can't find a nickel to buy a smile, 'cause your pockets all got holes. You wanna shut the door and hide before the day can get much worse, I wanna be the one you reach for first."

Avery buried her face in Lindsay's neck and hummed along with the chorus, having heard it so many times in her short life.

"Fall into me; my arms are open wide and you don't have to say a word. 'Cause I already see, that it's hard and you're scared and you're tired and it hurts and I wanna be the one you reach for first."

Avery smiled as she was tucked into her bed and Lindsay kissed her softly.

"Goodnight Averylin Grace. I love you."

"Love you mama."

"Sweet dreams darling. See you when the sun comes up."

She closed the bedroom door partway and took her coat off, draping it over the banister before going into the bathroom and drying her hair with a towel. Her clothes weren't that wet and she was seriously considering forgoing a hot bath in favor of crawling straight into bed. She went into the boys room where Adam had just finished up with their story for the night. Ben gave her a huge smile at first, then frowned.

"Mama," he started, squinting at her without his glasses. "You look despondent."

She gave a half smile and shook her head.

"Nope, just tired."

"Well c'mere and kiss me goodnight. My hiccups goed away. You won't catch 'em."

She chuckled and leaned down to kiss him.

"I love you Ben."

"Love you too mama. See you tomorrow."

She and Adam swapped kids and he spent a minute saying goodnight to Ben while she had a few minutes with Colton.

"You still need to talk to me honey?"

"Well, not really."

"Oh? How come?"

"Believe it or not I talked it out with Ben. He's a real good listener. So now the matter isn't so pressin'. Daddy said you're in the middle of a case."

"I always have time for you if you need me though."

"Yep, I figured. I'll tell you about it later. I feel better just talkin' about it. It's nothin' for you to worry about though mama. Okay?"

"Okay son. I love you."

"Love you too."

She kissed him gently and stood up, following Adam out of the room.

"You alright babe?"

She nodded and reached down for his hand.

"Let's go to bed. This day needs to be over."

He nodded and held her close, pulling her thoughts temporarily back into this house, where everything was okay.


	232. Chapter 232

Avery yawned and stretched in her bed, rolling over and looking out the window where the birds were perched on a telephone wire. She giggled and waved at them, then tumbled out of her bed and rubbed at her eyes as she walked across the hall to check on her brothers. She stopped part way there and went into the bathroom, standing on the stepstool so she could see herself in the mirror.

"Mornin' Avery," she said, patting her messy hair down. "Be a good day."

With that self encouragement, she stepped off the stool and went into the boys room. Colton was sleeping pretty hard but Ben was just waking up and he smiled at her, patting the bed next to him.

"Wanna come snuggle with me, sissy?"

"No. I dirty diaper. Snuggle mama daddy."

"Oh. What did you come in here for?"

"Hungry."

"I could make you some cereal! You want some cereal sissy?"

"Yes. Most cereal?"

"Most cereal? What's that mean?"

"She means lots," Colton groaned, rolling over. "You kids should not talk so loud."

"Hey, you're a kid too Cole."

"Yeah Coley!"

"Whatever," he muttered, rolling over and going back to sleep.

"Well sissy, it's 'ficial. Cole is a teenager with attitude."

"Teenager?"

"Daddy says teenager is what happens when you get snotty. It comes after kid. I am a kid. You are a baby."

"No! Ben I not baby!"

"But sissy-"

"No!"

She shoved his shoulder and ran out of the room while he shouted at her to let him explain. She ignored him and thundered up the stairs, shoving Lindsay and Adam's door open and running to the side of their bed.

"Mornin' Avery," Lindsay sighed, not even opening her eyes.

"Hello mama. Daddy?"

"Hey sweetie. Why are you up at six in the morning?"

"Hungry daddy."

"I should have known," he said, burying his face in his pillow while Lindsay leaned down to help Avery into the bed.

"Oh honey you have a stinky diaper."

"Yes," Avery agreed, climbing over her so she could settle in the middle of the bed. She nudged Adam's arm and grunted until he hugged her and kissed her cheek.

"That better," she sighed. "Mama hands."

Lindsay reached over and held Avery's small hands in hers and the three of them were just drifting back to sleep when the door swung open again and Ben stood there, his hands on his hips.

"Mama, daddy, Cole's bein' a _teenager_. He just said that I was irritatin' him!"

"Maybe he's just kind of cranky this morning."

"Well can I come and get in bed with y'all?"

"Sure, climb on up."

He hopped onto the bed then looked down at Avery and sighed.

"Well sissy if you had not run away I woulda been able to 'splain to you what I meaned when I said you were a baby. Now listen with rapt attention."

Avery's eyes grew big and she stared at him while Adam and Lindsay tried to hide their laughter.

"Now I said you were a baby because you are little and cute. I didn't mean you are a baby like one what can't do anything. Do you understand me?"

"Ben like Avery?"

"Of course I like you! You're my sissy. But sometimes I wanna just make you small so I can protect you better. You make me feel precious."

Avery nodded and Ben reached out to stroke her face.

"I sure love you sissy. And don't you forget that okay?"

"Okay Ben."

He gave a little nod and snuggled in next to her.

"Now, what do you want to do today?"

"Play, Ben. Kitchen?"

"Okay! 'Member the game we were playing yesterday? Feedin' the lumberjacks?"

"Yes. Again?"

"Yep, let's go."

They clambered off the bed and out of the room, leaving Lindsay and Adam to stare at each other and yawn.

"We have morning breath."

"Meh."

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her forehead.

"Your hair is a mess. And you don't have make-up on. And the shirt you're wearing is about ten sizes too big."

"And?"

"I love you."

"I'm not sure if I love you, mentioning all my early morning faults so smoothly, as if you've been thinking about it forever."

"Well I do wake up to you every morning."

"Adam."

"What, that's my point."

"What is?"

"I still wake up next to you every morning. So I must think you're pretty awesome."

"You have sleep goop in both your eyes."

"And there's Paul Harvey with the rest of the story."

She giggled and leaned up to kiss him, running her fingers through his hair.

"You're pretty handsome, did you know that?"

"I figured."

She smiled and slid her hand over his chest, then snuggled in close to him.

"I have to get up in half an hour. Why does Avery always come up here and wake me up before the alarm?"

"Because she's Avery," Adam answered. "Might as well get up. Have yourself a fancy cup of coffee while you have time."

"You gonna make it for me?"

"If you'll let me share."

She smiled and got as far as throwing the blankets off before she flopped back down on the bed. Adam rolled his eyes and propped his head up on his arm, having been certain that the promise of coffee would have gotten her out of bed. She tossed her legs gently over him and closed her eyes, wanting just five minutes more of sleep.

"You have to be to work in two hours," he said softly, teasingly as he wandered his fingers over her calves.

"Shut up."

"That means you have to leave in an hour and a half."

"Adam, stop it."

"You need to get up really soon."

"Junk. Knock it off."

He chuckled and leaned down to drop small kisses to each of her knees.

"What are you doing?" she asked with an eyebrow raise.

"I like your knees. They're cute."

"Why are you weird?"

"Because if I wasn't then I wouldn't have ever caught your eye."

The look she gave him was so similar to Austin's "Really?" look that he snorted with laughter.

"I gotta get moving," she said with a sigh and a side-long glance at him. "Don't pull me back into bed."

"But… why not?"

"Because of reasons, okay?"

"Reasons?"

"You can pull me into bed when I get home tonight, okay?"

"Totally understand."

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him, then got out of bed, feeling readier to face the day because of the look in his eyes.

* * *

"Jo, we got a match on the epithelials on the belt from the Deerhurst case," Lindsay announced all in one excited breath. "He's got a record a mile long in Jersey, violent crimes that seem to have escalated in the last three years."

"What's his name?"

"Peter Holland. He was just released two months ago, staying with his cousin in the city. I just sent his DNA through again to see if it matches the DNA we pulled off the clothes Shea gave us. Flack is getting a warrant right now."

"You look better than you've looked in weeks."

"I feel like this is it. Like we finally caught him."

"I have a good feeling too. Should we head over and see about that warrant?"

"Don't have to," Flack said, stepping into the room. "Hot off the presses."

"If the rest of the DNA has run through, want to grab me another one?"

"Austin's waiting for your call right now. She said ride along with the second warrant if we need it."

"Do you want to call Shea?" Jo asked, pulling her coat on. "You said you'd keep her updated."

"I want to be sure first. It won't help her if we're not sure," Lindsay replied softly, finding her own coat and looking over the warrant.

"I've got your DNA results back," one of the young techs reported, bounding into the room and handing Lindsay a file of papers. "There was a match from the DNA on the clothing to Peter Holland."

"You're sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Thanks."

The tech nodded and made her way out of the room while Flack called Austin letting her know that they would need the second arrest warrant.

"Okay ladies, let's jet."

Jo and Lindsay just stared at him for a short moment before leading the way out of the room.

The drive was long in traffic, and Lindsay's stomach was nervous with apprehension and excitement. The very first time she went to arrest someone she felt bad about the excitement. Putting someone in jail was the right thing to do, but to find a joy in it seemed wrong. It wasn't until much later when she realized that it was okay to feel that way, to revel in the pride of serving justice.

This time was a lot more personal for some reason that she couldn't put her finger on, and instead of feeling like it was a point for the justice system, she felt like it was more of a private victory. There was just something about this one.

"Linds, you coming?"

"Oh. Yeah."

They got out of the car and waited on the sidewalk for Flack and Austin, who had apparently bickered the entire drive over, as usual. Flack's face was red and Austin was blowing her hair off her forehead in annoyance, but as soon as they secured their weapons and checked for their handcuffs, they fell into their more professional roles.

Making their way up the rickety front porch, Flack knocked forcefully on the front door, which seemed to shudder at the power of it, almost coming open on its own, even though it was definitely locked.

"Peter Holland, NYPD. Open up!"

"He's not here," came a call from inside as the door was unlocked. "I'm his cousin Hugh."

"Where is he at?"

"I don't know. Went out last night, I haven't seen him this morning. Is he in trouble?"

"Oh yeah he's in trouble. Any way of getting ahold of him?"

"He's got a cell phone but he never answers. He had a meeting with his parole officer later today I think."

"We've got a warrant for his arrest and to search through his stuff."

"By all means," Hugh said, standing aside and letting them come in. "He's been staying in that room over there."

They made their way over to the room he indicated, finding it mostly empty, but still a total mess.

"I'd arrest him just for this pigsty," Jo muttered, making a face and kicking a pair of dirty boxers aside. "If Tyler ever got this messy I think I would disown him."

"You'd better never peek into my kids rooms then. Especially Isa's. Hers is worse," Austin said, thinking of how she'd seen the room that morning with clothes and toys and other things scattered onto every flat surface, Isa sitting in the middle of it all with her nose buried in a book and her hair tangled.

"It's organized chaos," Lindsay argued. "That's what she told me, though I doubt she knows what that means except she's pretty sure of which pile her shoes are under."

Austin chuckled as they combed through the room, looking for anything that could tie Holland back to the murder and rape. They bagged up the three pairs of shoes he had, most of his clothing, his toothbrush and comb, and several other odds and ends that would either hold DNA or could possibly be placed at the scene.

"Hey, what's goin' on out there?"

All four of them looked up from what they were doing and listened to the voice of the person that had just come through the front door.

"What are you talking about?" Hugh asked, his act of innocence not at all believable.

There was a moment of silence and then the sound of feet pounding towards the door. The four of them took off out of the room and through the front hallway, in pursuit of Holland who was headed for the front door. Jo caught up to him first but just barely, her fingers clamping around his ear. He yelped in pain and tired to get away, sending a clenched fist towards her. She didn't move fast enough and it knocked the wind out of her and she lost most of the grip she had on him. It was no matter though, as Lindsay grabbed him from behind and tackled him to the floor, his face smashing against the door frame and the screen door coming back to hit him on the top of the head.

"It wasn't me!"

"What wasn't you, Pete?" Flack asked, training his gun on the man should Lindsay lose her grip.

"Whatever you're here for!"

Lindsay ground her knee into his back and reached out for a pair of handcuffs. Austin dropped them into her hand and she cuffed him tightly, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes.

"Lemme guess. You were a sprinter, not a distance runner, huh Petey?"

"Shut up!"

"Peter Holland, you're under arrest for the rape of Shea Sanders and the murder of Alan Deerhurst."

Austin continued to Mirandize him as she and Flack took him outside and loaded him into the SUV they'd brought, then called for backup to secure the scene. Jo and Lindsay moved back inside, finding Hugh on the couch, his eyes wide.

"He really… did that?"

They just nodded and moved back into the bedroom, collecting the bags of evidence they'd found so far, and continuing on with the rest.

"You alright Linds?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're not but you don't want to talk about it."

Lindsay chewed on her lip as she found another shoe under the bed and put it in an evidence bag.

"I'm fine. I am able to do my job, I am mentally sound. Don't worry about it."

"I'm not worrying about you as a co-worker Lindsay. I'm worried about you as a friend."

"I know you are. But we're working right now."

"Okay."

They continued their work in silence for quite a while, Jo stealing worried glances at Lindsay and Lindsay refusing to look in her direction. It wasn't a fight, but neither one of them was very good at disagreeing and leaving it alone.

But the time a second wave of CSI's came, Lindsay and Jo had gathered up probably everything that would yield any evidence at all. They loaded everything up into the car and headed back to the lab quietly, even through the heavy traffic. Eventually Jo leaned over and turned the radio on, making the silence a little less awkward.

"It's not that I don't want to talk to you," Lindsay started quickly. "It's just that I don't quite understand it right now I and I need to close this case before I start to muddle through my own head."

"I'm not nagging you, Lindsay. I'm really not. You just haven't been yourself."

"I know. But I'm okay. And someday I will tell you everything, but I have to be ready to say it. I can't just spit it out."

"That's normal. And as long as you're really okay, I'm not going to worry about it."

"Thanks."

"Now, do you want to call Shea or should I?"

"I call her when we get back to the lab."

* * *

"So it's really him?"

"Yeah, we got him."

Shea nodded and kept staring at the floor as they walked down the hallway. She identified Holland in a lineup, no hesitation or stuttering, just a point blank identification. Lindsay was proud of her for doing it without wavering, for being so sure of herself.

"Will I have to testify?"

"I don't know yet. We have your written statement and hopefully that will be enough, but I can't guarantee anything."

"Is he going to be tried separately for each crime?"

"I think so."

"So… my job is done? I can put it behind me?"

"You can start. Can I give you a ride home?"

"No. I'll take a cab."

"It's raining, it will take you forever to get one. Let me take you."

Shea hesitated for a moment, then nodded.

"Okay."

Shea was quiet then entire time in the car and Lindsay didn't want to push her to talk so she didn't say much either. The rain was coming down in sheets by the time they arrived at Shea's apartment and suddenly Lindsay felt like she desperately needed to say something, anything.

"Shea, are you alright?"

"Yes. I'm fine."

"What are you thinking about? I know all this is hard and…"

She let her words trail off because she didn't know what she could possibly say to make it better.

"If I hadn't been there, this wouldn't have happened. That poor kid would still be alive. It's not my fault but it feels like it. And I have to life with that forever. So yeah, I'm fine."

"Do you want-"

"No, I don't want anything. Thanks for the ride."

She got out of the car quickly and slammed the door behind her leaving Lindsay to wonder if she was uncomfortable or mad or any number of other things. She sat there in the running car for awhile before realizing she was double parked, and heading home. She'd just have to give Shea a call in the morning when things had time to simmer down.

The kids were all cranky when she arrived home. Adam had only been home for ten minutes and reported that Freddie had had a rough day with the kids. Colton was grumpy and quiet, except the times when one of the other kids annoyed him. Ben was sad about it and wouldn't stop whining, while Avery screamed at the top of her lungs to be noticed. Lindsay stood in the doorway taking it all in, wishing she could run back out the door.

"Mama Cole hates me!" Ben wailed, running across the room and throwing himself into her arms.

"I don't hate you Ben, just leave me alone!"

"You don't like me if you don't wanna be around me!"

"Ben! Leave me alone!"

"See mama he's talkin' so mean to me."

"Mean!" Avery shouted, jumping up and down on the couch, one pigtail falling out of its bow.

"Avery, I said to stop jumping on the couch," Adam grumbled, taking her down. "Two minutes on the step."

Grunting and balling her fists, she stomped over to the stairs and sat down, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Colton, you need to speak nicely to your brother and Ben, you need to give Colton some space."

"But daddy-"

"Benjamin, that's what I said and that's the way it is."

"Well that's fine but what is you gonna do 'bout my feelings?"

"Ben-"

"I want results!"

"Benjamin Ryan Ross, that is no way to talk to your daddy. Go take your step for five minutes."

He burst into tears but went to sit on his step. Avery reached up and patted his foot, but he didn't acknowledge her, and she pulled her hand away again in anger.

"And as for you mister, what's going on?" Lindsay asked, sitting down on the couch next to Colton. He kept the frown on his face and didn't answer, curling into the couch and staring at the wall.

"Son, your mama asked you something."

"I'm in a bad mood because me and Isa had a fight and we're not friends anymore okay?"

His eyes filled with tears and he tried to blink them away while Lindsay pulled him into her arms.

"I know you're upset honey. And I'm sorry that you feel bad and you're hurt. But that is no reason for you to speak meanly to your brother and sister, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you want to talk about it?'

He sighed and nodded.

"I told Isa that I like another girl. She got mad at me and said I only liked her until I met someone else to like more. And I said that if she really thought that then maybe we weren't best friends. And she said okay. And now we're not friends. And I miss her a lot in my heart."

"Buddy, that's a lot to deal with. Why didn't you tell me and mama?"

"Because I don't like talkin' about it. It makes my stomach feel bad."

"Sometimes, once you start talking about it, you feel better."

"I would just like to forget about it for tonight. Can we play Monopoly?"

"Sure buddy. Why don't you go get it while mama and I deal with the time outs."

Colton jumped up and went to the game cupboard while Lindsay and Adam went to the stairs.

"Averylin, do you know why you're on the step?"

"Jump on couch. Daddy no."

"You disobeyed, didn't you?"

"Jump on couch play!"

"I know sometimes we let you jump on the couch, but today I told you no."

"Oh," she said with a nod. "Obey."

"Yes, you need to obey."

"Sorry daddy."

"I forgive you Tink."

"Hug now," she said, wrapping her little arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. "Love daddy."

"I love you too. Go help Colton."

She scampered back into the living room, leaving them alone with Ben, who was still sitting on the stair, his face buried in his arms as he cried.

"Ben?"

"I am just very upset right now and I would like to be left alone at the moment."

"Are upset that you're in trouble or are you upset about your feelings getting hurt?"

"Can't I be upset about both? I'm a very sensitive boy!"

Adam couldn't help laughing and had to get up and walk into the kitchen as to not disturb their sensitive child further.

"Ben, you need to stop crying."

"I've had a hard day mama."

"I know honey. But if you keep thinking about how bad it was, you might miss something good. Now, do you know why you're on the step?"

"Because my tone of voice to daddy was not nice. I'm sorry about that. Daddy, I'm sorry 'bout that!"

Adam came out of the kitchen and held Ben tightly in his arms.

"I forgive you Ben. Let's try to make sure it doesn't happen again."

"Okay daddy."

"Now, do you want to be on my team for Monopoly?"

"Yeah! Could we be the iron?"

Adam nodded and they went into the living room where Colton had set up the board and Avery was sorting the money by color.

"Mama see! Avery do!"

"Good job sweetie. Want to be on my team?"

"Uh-huh! Be this?"

"Sure, we can be the thimble. Come sit in my lap."

They all sat down around the table to play and were halfway through the game when Lindsay's phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Linds, you need to get to the hospital."

"What? Why? Jo, what's going on?"

"Shea's here. She tried to kill herself."

"What?" Lindsay asked again, moving Avery off her lap and standing up. "When?"

"She was brought in a little bit ago. Lindsay, it's a gunshot wound to the head. They're trying everything but she's not going to make it."

"I'll be right there."

She hung up the phone without saying goodbye, her heart in her throat. She should have known.

"Babe?"

"I gotta go. I don't know when I'll be home."

"Call me later."

"Okay."

And with that she breezed out the door into the cold and rainy night.


	233. Chapter 233

A/N: I seem to have lost some readers… well no mind. I mostly write for myself anyway.

* * *

"_It's all your fault. You wanted to go to the diner. You wanted to stay out late. You wanted to stay and get dessert. They shouldn't have been there so late. It was all your idea. Its your fault they're dead. _

_Your fault._

_Your fault._

_Your fault."_

_She pulled her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, rocking back and forth, to the rhythm of the voice in her head. There were real voices around her, doctors and nurses, her parents and family, but the voice in her head, the loud, accusing, correct voice was so much louder and she couldn't do anything to shut it out. It was all her fault. All of it. She'd talked them into going into the diner, talked them into breaking curfew and staying there just a little longer. If they'd left on time, the diner would have closed earlier and they would have all been safe. _

_It was all her fault and she was the one that lived. She shouldn't be alive. It wasn't fair to everyone else. She should be the one covered in blood, laying on that cold floor. It should be her. She should be dead._

"Linds."

"Jo, what happened?"

"There was a call of shots fired. When the officers got there she was on the floor."

"I just saw her. Two hours ago, I dropped her off."

"Lindsay-"

"I should have seen it. I should have known. She was asking if we needed her help anymore, kept saying this was her fault. I should have seen it but I didn't try hard enough."

"Lindsay, you helped her as much as you could."

"No I didn't. I figured she would be fine, she'd call if she needed someone."

"It's not your responsibility to see those things, Lindsay."

"Well if it's not my job, whose is it?"

"Come here, sit down."

Lindsay allowed herself to be led to the bench across the hall and she sat down, her hands clenched up as she tried to breathe.

"You can't let yourself feel guilty about this."

"I should have seen it! She was saying all the things that…that I said. She feels like it's all her fault, like if she hadn't been in the park, Holland wouldn't have raped her and that poor kid never would have come across them and tried to save her. She feels like it's her fault he's dead. It's a crime that doesn't make sense, it has no rhyme or reason and she's trying to figure it out. Blaming herself gives it a meaning. It's like a book without a plot, and if she can blame herself it all makes sense. But blaming yourself, you have to do something about that. You can't live with yourself if you let it be your fault. I looked at her feelings of guilt and I saw my own. Instead of trying to help her, I got scared and didn't want to see myself like I was back then. It's my fault. I could have saved her, I was just too scared."

Jo was quiet for a moment, unsure of exactly what to say.

"Austin told me what happened to you Lindsay. She said you still feel guilty about it, like you didn't deserve to live."

"Sometimes."

"Can you honestly tell me that you can look into the eyes of your babies and feel like everyone would be better off without you?"

"I don't think that way anymore. I just don't understand why. Why did I get up from that table, why was I in the other room, why were they killed and I wasn't? I don't understand it."

"Did anyone ever try to explain that to you?"

"Not back then. I think the girls parents and everyone in town was wondering the same thing, and my family was just happy I was alright so they didn't question it. Adam and Austin always tell me there's a reason, that neither of them would be what they are without me. Adam says he would still be alone, he wouldn't have the kids. Austin says that… well she wouldn't be very happy either. But all I think about is the girls, and how many people they could have made happy by now. I know those things were going through Shea's head too. She figures if she's gone it can all be over. She's the bad luck. And if she's gone, life can be better for everyone. She didn't have anyone to talk to. No friends, her family is far away. It's no wonder that she… did this. I just wish I could have told her that this wasn't the way."

"Lindsay, sometimes people don't want help. Did you?"

"No. I didn't deserve it."

"What happened is awful, Lindsay. But don't add to the tragedy by blaming yourself."

"I'm always going to blame myself. I'm always going to wonder what would have happened if I had followed her inside and talked to her for just ten more minutes. Maybe it wouldn't have changed anything but maybe it would have. And I can't stop thinking about that."

"I know."

The door at the end of the hallway creaked open and Austin walked through, her hair a mess and dark circles under her eyes. She and Flack had been close enough to be second responders to the call, arriving at the same time as the ambulance. She'd been filling out paperwork since arriving at the hospital and her face showed the grimness of the situation.

"We need to call her family," she said softly. There was no other explanation needed.

"I'll look at her file and see if there's a number in there," Jo offered, standing up from the bench. "I'll be back at the lab if you need me."

The hallway door slid closed behind her and Austin leaned against the opposite wall, her arms over her chest.

"You alright Lin?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Real answer?"

"Let's just deal with this tonight and I'll worry about me later."

Austin nodded in understanding and let it go. Pressing the issue right now was not going to help.

* * *

Lindsay tossed and turned all night long, sleeping for scant minutes at a time, then waking up again. She got up and paced, she tried to read, she ate something, she even went and laid down on the couch with the TV on. Nothing helped. Figuring she might as well stay up, she made a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch with an old photo album, opening it to the first musty yellow page.

"Mama, why are you awake?"

She glanced up from the book and gave Colton a little smile.

"I couldn't sleep. Why are you up?"

"I couldn't sleep either. Well at first I could but then I woke up. I heard you down here," he explained, coming to sit next to her. She slid her arm around him and he yawned, pointing at the first picture in the album.

"I remember this picture. It's you when you were a baby."

"Yeah, it is."

"You looked like Aves."

"Yeah, a little bit."

He nodded and continued to flip through the pages. He'd seen copies of most of these pictures before; he'd always loved to look at photo albums with his grandma. Some of them were new to him though, and he looked at them intently, asking her questions about what had been going on. He was getting close to the end of the book and he frowned suddenly, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Mama, these are not happy pictures," he said, pointing at the small newspaper clippings.

"I know."

"It's too dark in here to read them. What are they about?"

She took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to answer the question as he turned the page.

"Mama."

He was old enough to hear what had happened, maybe not everything in great detail, but he could handle hearing most of it.

"This is what they have in graveyards. How come you got pictures?"

"Sweetheart, remember the pictures of my friends from a few pages ago?"

"Yeah. Amy and Kelly and Stephanie. They were your best friends all your life."

"They were."

"How come I never met them when we went to Montana? I met your friend Karen once, I liked her."

"A long time ago honey, Amy and Kelly and Stephanie died."

"They died? How?"

"It was a very bad man that… um…"

"Killed them, huh mama?"

"Yes, son."

Colton was quiet for a moment, then flipped back to the previous pages.

"You mean these girls are not alive anymore?"

"No sweetie, they're not."

"How old were they when they died?"

"They were sixteen. We were all sixteen."

"I'm half that age," he whispered, staring down at the old pictures. "Was it really sad for you mama?"

"Yes it was. It was one of the saddest times in my life."

"Do you miss them?"

"Yes, I do. Very much."

"Are you scared that people will die again? Like how sometimes I am scared that someone will take me away again."

She nodded and dropped a kiss to the top of his head.

"I get scared a lot. I get scared that you kids or daddy are going to get hurt. I worry about Austin a lot, I worry about Danny and Isa and Sarah and Junior. Sometimes I have nightmares about it."

He sighed and moved closer, throwing his arms around her and trying not to cry.

"Oh mama. I wish that didn't happen. I don't want you to be sad and scared."

"I don't want you to be either."

"You and me are kindred spirits, huh? We both did something scary and no one else knows how it feels."

"I guess you're right."

"Mama, I know I am too big for this but would it be okay if I snuggled in your lap? I don't want to go back to my bed."

She moved the picture album to the coffee table and pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, then let him crawl into her arms. He was so big now, she hadn't held him like this in years, and for a moment she was startled at how fast the time had gone. She remembered so many nights like this when he was a baby, the two of them sleeping on the couch because Adam was at work or Colton was teething or they just plain couldn't sleep. They were special times that she had almost forgotten about because it had been so long since they'd happened. He was so old now, eight going on nine, but often seeming even more grown up than that. She looked down at his now sleeping face, the way his eyelashes rested on his cheeks and the small scar on his forehead that you could only see if you knew it was there. She brushed her hand through his hair and smiled when he snuggled closer to her, feeling for a moment like they were the only two people in the world.

"Thank you, sweet boy. Thank you for always being there for your mama."

* * *

Morning came a few hours later, dapples of sunlight through the window that were a nice reprieve from the constant spring rain of the last week. Colton was still snoring peacefully in her lap and she kissed his cheeks, then lifted him up and tucked him in to the other end of the couch. He sighed and scrubbed at his eyes, then settled back down, pulling the blanket up almost over his head. She kissed him once more and went into the kitchen. She didn't feel any better than she had before, and staying up all night thinking about everything hadn't really helped the issue. Pulling the dishes from the washer, she mulled it over in her head again, trying to figure out why she hadn't seen it, what she had done wrong, anything that could have changed the outcome. But there was nothing, and as easy as it was to blame herself, she realized that wasn't fair.

Once the dishes were put away she figured a shower couldn't hurt, so she headed upstairs. She could hear chattering from the boys room and stole a glance inside when she made it to the door. Ben was standing in the middle of the room in just his underwear while Avery sat on the floor with a group of stuffed animals lined up next to her, her hands clasped in her lap.

"Now folks, today we is gonna learn how to dress ourselves. The firstest thing I like to do is put on my pants. It's easy really, just put in one leg and then the other! Then you will have to have mama or daddy help you with the zipper part. Next will be your shirt. This one is trickier, but if you watch me, you can do it right. First put the shirt on the bed like so and put it so the cartoon on the front is touchin' the bed like this! After that, you stick your arms through these holes and lift it high so it falls over your head. Sometimes you gotta pull it down. Then you are done, except for socks, what we don't like to wear in this house. Any questions?"

Avery and the stuffed animals remained silent.

"Well that's the end folks! And remember, if you have any questions, you come find me!"

He bowed as if he had just given a great performance and Avery clapped her hands and hooted happily for him.

"What are you two doing up here?" Lindsay asked, as if she hadn't just heard the whole thing.

"We were havin' a meetin' on how to take care of ourselves so you don't have to do it."

"What do you mean so I don't have to? I like taking care of you."

"Do you wanna be dressin' sissy when she's sixty?"

Lindsay laughed and leaned down to pick Avery up.

"No, not when she's sixty, but I don't mind right now. However, if you could figure out a way to get her to quit using diapers, I would be very thankful."

"Okay. Now sissy, mama would be very happy if you could do the thing what you've been hearing lots about, what's called goin' potty in your potty chair! Could you do it?"

"No way."

"Well mama I tried my best but she won't budge. Maybe next year."

"Maybe she can dress herself this morning since you did such a good job teaching her. Do you think you can get dressed Avery?"

"Yes mama. Wear dress," she said, sliding down to the floor and running into her room.

"She's growin' up so fast," Ben said with a little sigh and a shake of his head. "Seems yesterday she was just a little baby. Are you gonna have another baby mama?"

"Nope."

"Oh good. I don't know if I could teach another kid stuff too. Sissy is a difficult student."

Lindsay laughed and scooped him up in her arms, kissing his cheeks.

"Ben, I love you so much."

"I know that mama. Can I go make me some breakfast?"

"Yeah sweetie, go ahead."

Feeling very important he tromped down the stairs while Lindsay went into the bathroom to hop in the shower.

"Babe, did you sleep at all?" Adam asked, poking his head in the door before she could close it.

"No."

"You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah."

"Can I kiss you?"

"Yes please."

He kissed her gently then held her for a moment, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Come back to bed with me next time. I'll help you fall asleep."

"I'm sure you will."

"I'm being serious."

"I know. Thank you."

His arms stayed around her and she yawned, wishing that time could freeze and they could stay like this for a while longer where it was safe and happy.

"I love you Linds. I am so glad I have you."

"Even when I'm cranky?"

"Every moment. You made me believe in things that I'd never believed in before. All I could see in the world was bad, no matter how much I tried not to. And then there you came and I found that there had to be balance, that for such evil to exist there had to be good. You showed me that good, Lindsay. You outweigh every bad thing that has ever happened, you've tipped the scales completely in a way I never believed would happen. Do you understand what I'm getting at here?"

She smiled and nodded while he brushed her tears away.

"Thank you for telling me that."

"You're welcome," he whispered, his lips on her forehead, before changing the subject. "Take all the time you need in here to feel human again, and I'll worry about the kids."

She agreed and he slipped back out of the room, leaving her to decide on a warm bath rather than a shower with the window cracked so she could smell the spring air.

She certainly felt a little better as she leaned against the tub, closing her eyes and letting her mind drift. It was safe to do so right now, while she was so relaxed and peaceful, her family right outside the door and her soul calmed by Adam's words. Carefully and slowly, she thought back to her darkest days, the ones that had shaped her and molded her and yet left no deep marks on the surface. Most of those days had passed her by in a blur, whether she had been numb to emotion or had been using a vice to escape it, there were no specific memories. She did remember very clearly some of the thoughts that had flitted through her head, especially late at night when she could look out her window and see nothing but stars and sky, neither of which judged her for the darkness of her mind, for darkness is what they were displayed in best.

At first she'd thought obsessively of death, the science of it, the morality of it, the unknown of it. What was death? Was it an ending? A beginning? Was it just something, nothing, a void? She wondered about the girls, what they had been thinking about in their last seconds, what it was like for them to cross into some unknown, a place no living person had ever been and no spirit could ever disclose. She became fixed on the idea of death as a secret, something that was different for everyone, something that was so personal to everyone that even if someone could come back and explain, it would be futile, for everyone's experience would be different.

Shame covered her now as she remembered those thoughts, the impatience, the desire to die herself, just to experience it. She didn't much enjoy living at the time, didn't see a reason for it, wanted to move on. So heavy were her grief and guilt that she could not adequately discern between curious fascination and desired self-destruction. It weighed on her for days, months, the idea of having control of when and how, of not having to leave the way the girls did, in terror. It was one thought that brought a morbid sort of light to her, the knowledge that she had the strength to dictate this, that she could make that decision for herself.

It wasn't long after that, a cold winter day when she found herself in the house alone, various methods of quenching her curiosity at her disposal. She daren't touch any of them, realizing that as much as she enjoyed the power, she was also scared out of her mind at the aspect of death, self-preservation telling her that it was not as pleasant as she had imagined it to be. The guilt drug her down into a different darkness, one full of self loathing and hatred and anger, a place where she felt that no matter what death was, she deserved the harshest of it, for it had tried to take her once and failed. Everything that happened in the diner that night became her fault. She'd convinced her friends, led them like lambs to that slaughter and for that, she didn't deserve to take another breath.

The older, wiser, stronger Lindsay sat up in the bathtub so suddenly that water splashed over the side and created a bubbly wave in the water. As much as she could blame herself for not seeing the warning signs in Shea, she had to remember that she had not pushed the younger woman to this. Shea was capable of making her own decisions, and Lindsay, while possibly at fault for not paying more attention, was not guilty of failure. It didn't ease the sting very much, but it did get her mind back working in the way it was supposed to. A young version of herself had found a strength to say no to it, had for some reason been spared yet again, even from herself. Shea had not been so fortunate. She had not been given the same resources, right from the start of her life, and she was programmed differently in the processing of her grief and terror and shame. There wasn't guilt for either one of them. They had both fought. Fighting was victory, whether a battle was won or not.

There was a timid knock on the door and a small little voice, bringing her back into the real world.

"Mama? I dress," Avery announced proudly. "My hair?"

"Go eat breakfast and I'll do your hair when you're done."

"Mama?" she repeated, rubbing her hand against the door. "I want."

"You want me, sweetie?"

"Yes mama."

"Okay. I'll be right out."

"I count! One, eight, five, e, f, g, cinco, apples, ten! Out where you are mama!"

Lindsay laughed and leaned down to drain the tub.

"Honey, I'm not hiding."

"Oh. Mama out please?"

"Alright, alright," Lindsay sighed, stepping out of the tub and wrapping herself in the bathrobe that hung on the back of the door.

"Oh hello mama!" Avery greeted, as if they hadn't seen each other that morning. "I dress. See? It beau'ful."

"You are quite the fashionista, missy. I never would have thought to put in on you backwards."

"I dress self. I big girl," she said, shaking her hips so the skirt fanned out around her. "Mama go bye?"

"Just for a little while this morning honey. I'll be home by lunchtime and then we can take a nice long nap together, okay?"

Avery's bottom lip came out so far it was almost impossible, and her big blue eyes filled with tears while her chin met her chest.

"Mama no. Stay with Avery! Please!"

The last word came out on a sad sob and Lindsay crouched down, taking the little girl into her arms and hugging her as tightly as she could.

"I want to stay with you honey. I promise I do. But I just need to go and do a few things, and then I'll be home. And I won't work tomorrow or the next day at all. The boys will be in school tomorrow and it will just be mama and Avery. How's that?"

"Mama put on pretty?" she asked after a moment, wanting to watch Lindsay put her make up on.

"I need to get dressed and do my hair first. Go downstairs and have breakfast honey. I'll come get you in a little while."

"Love mama so," Avery whispered, squeezing her around the neck. "Come home."

"I'll always come home baby. Always."

Avery smiled and let go, reaching up to brush Lindsay's hair away from her face.

"Happy mama. Be happy."

Lindsay just nodded. She wasn't looking forward to work, facing all that had happened last night and closing a chapter of this case. But looking into those big blue eyes that shone with so much love and innocence, she couldn't help but resolve that in a few hours it would be over. It would have to be. She had three little souls to nurture, and they were far more important than anything else.


	234. Chapter 234

"Hey daddy! That toilet's throwin' up water! Come quick!"

"When did we put the kids to bed?"

"Two hours ago."

"How many times have they been up?"

"Every ten minutes. We're never going to get through this movie. You'd better get up there."

Adam groaned and tried to figure out how to get off the couch without having to make her get up too because she looked too comfortable to move. Finally he stood up and moved the throw pillows and blanket around her, cocooning her so much that it was comical and she giggled.

"I'll be right back."

"Okay, and tell those kids if they bother us one more time we're going to make them clean the toilets with toothbrushes and their bare hands."

"I'll let them know."

She smirked as he went upstairs, then buried her face in the throw pillow with laughter when his made up swear words drifted down from the bathroom. He was done soon and came back down the stairs, shaking his head.

"Avery sent toilet paper down again," he sighed, joining her on the couch and sliding his arms tightly around her. "I think we need to start locking it up."

"No. Then the boys would never use it," she yawned, reaching for the remote. "I forgot to pause it, we missed a bunch of stuff."

"I don't want to start it over again."

"This is worse than the time we tried to watch _Inception_ when Ben had colic."

"Altogether a terrible idea."

"Within a terrible idea."

"Idea-ception."

She snickered and reached up to pat his cheek.

"I really love you."

"I really love you too."

"Mama! I potty!"

Lindsay closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

"Is the zoo looking for a new exhibit?" she grumbled, standing up from the couch.

"I don't think the zoo would take them. Their quiet hours start much earlier than our kids would be willing to settle down."

"Maybe they need to be shipped off to military school then."

"The boys could be. Avery has to be potty trained first."

"She's just never going to leave home."

By the time Lindsay made it upstairs, Avery had fallen back to sleep and her diaper was clean. More than likely, it had just been a ploy to get out of bed. Annoyed, she opened the window a little to get some airflow, then tucked her in again and left the room. Ben was standing in his doorway staring at her, his head tipped to the side.

"So mama," he started quietly. "Do you think it would be okay if I came back downstairs with you and daddy?"

"No it wouldn't. It's way, way past your bedtime."

"But here is the thing! See I can't sleep. So if I could come down with you and daddy, that would be what we call quality time! That's good for bonding! And remember that book you readed 'bout the love languages and how to show your kids you love them? Well I was quality time, 'member? So if you love me, I could come downstairs."

"Benjamin, I love you, but I also need you to be happy in the morning and ready for the day, and you're not going to do that well unless you get some sleep."

He frowned and sighed, turning back to his bed and looking at it forlornly.

"I just don't see the appeal," he muttered.

"Well I do, and mama knows best, so get in bed."

"Can't I have a glass of milk?"

"You already had one. Lay down and close your eyes."

"I thought I was a funny kid. I thought that would get me somewhere in life."

She bit her tongue to keep from laughing.

"Even funny kids need sleep. I am not going to tell you again. It's time for bed. Goodnight."

He rolled onto his stomach to avoid the kiss she tried to press to his cheek, so she tucked him in and left the room without it.

"They're half yours," Adam reminded her as she came back into the room wearing a grimace.

"Why did we have them? I mean I love them but sometimes I've got to wonder what we were thinking."

"We had them because you got pregnant."

"And who got me pregnant?"

"We both did."

"Right but who initiated-"

"Okay, the first one was all me, but we're pretty happy with him!"

"I'm happy with all of them, I'm just cranky."

"There's some chocolate ice-cream hidden in the freezer that I got for your birthday but we can have it now if you want."

"You got me ice-cream for my birthday?" she asked, not having realized it was only a few days away now.

"Yeah."

"Well…let's save it. We can have something else."

"Are you sure?"

"You bought it special. Besides, I have donuts hidden in the cupboard."

"You realize we hide our junk food not from our kids, but from Austin right?"

"Her sweet tooth is like a blood hound."

Adam laughed and they went into the kitchen where she made him turn around and close his eyes so he wouldn't see her hiding place.

"You want the chocolate or the powdered kind?"

"Both. Why would you make me decide?"

"Because I didn't think you would want a donut around your middle," she answered, poking his stomach.

"Hey, we've been married almost ten years. I shouldn't have to stay good looking anymore. I should be like an appendage by now."

"Okay well what would you do if I got fat?"

"Buy a bigger bed."

"You'd still want to sleep with me?"

"You'd still be you, just with some more fluff. I like fluff. Now what would you do if I got fat?"

"Nothin'. Here, have two donuts, let me prove my love."

"You're hot."

She smiled and pushed him out of the room so she could put the donuts away, then went back and joined him on the couch.

"Hey look what's on."

"Richard Simmons? Don't you think that's a little on the nose?"

He laughed and pulled her down onto the couch, kissing the top of her head.

"You doing alright sweetie?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Can we watch something else? His hair really takes away my appetite."

"Maybe that was his racket all along," Adam laughed, changing the channel while she stole a bite of his donut. "What do you want to watch?"

"Whatever."

"Quit eating my donut."

"But I want the chocolate kind."

"Then why didn't you get the chocolate kind?"

"Because I didn't know I wanted it until just now."

"Babe, what am I going to do with you?" he sighed, letting her eat the rest of his donut.

"Love me, love me, say that you love me."

"Don't push it, lady."

She smiled and cuddled up next to him while he flipped through the channels, not minding that there wasn't much on that was worth watching. It wasn't really about that right now anyway. They'd both felt that one on one time between them had been lacking a lot lately and had decided that staying up a little late to be together would have to do.

"Hey sweetie, we need to talk about me going to D.C."

"I don't want to talk about that. You're going to be gone for four weeks."

"I know. I talked to Mac today though, and he said because it can be classified as educational purposes, my leave can be for up to six weeks, which means we can take a vacation when I get back."

"Really?"

"Yeah. At first I thought we would drop in on all the in-laws and get it out of the way, but now I think it would be nice to stay closer and do a weekend for just the five of us."

"That would be nice."

"It's going to have to be cheap because we have to pay for our anniversary trip later, but I'm sure we can come up with something good."

"That means you already found something," she said with a grin, glad he was such a planner.

"Yurts."

"Yurts?" she laughed, imaging the five of them crammed into one of the small huts for three days.

"It's a few hours away, in East Meredith I guess. They're pretty big places, they have king sized beds inside and full kitchen and plumbing. But it's still like camping. And I know it's kind of expensive per night, but we'll be saving on entertainment because we'll be out in the woods so we won't need any. Plus, there's stables nearby so we can take the kids riding one day. They would love it and I know you would be really happy to see your kids roughing it like that."

"It sounds really good."

"And after the kids go to bed at night, you and I can sit out on the porch and listen to the wild animals and crickets and watch the campfire die down. I know you want that."

"I do, let's go now."

"I don't have objections to that, but I think it will be nice to look forward to while I'm gone."

"Yes it will."

"You going to be alright without me for four weeks?"

"No, but I'll live. I just wish you could come back on the weekends."

"Me too."

"We've never been apart this long. What's our record, a week?"

"I think so."

"And that was hard enough."

"Linds… if you want me to stay home I will."

"I don't want you to stay home. I think you need to do this. I'm not going to be selfish about it or stand in your way. It's just going to be hard that's all. Not impossible. Besides I am sure the kids will keep me busy enough that I won't have time to blubber like an idiot because I miss you."

"Well here's to hoping."

"I'm not going to even get to kiss you for a month."

"I know. You'd better send me off well."

"I will. I think the kids will go to bed early the night before."

"That will be nice. And then when I come home…"

"I'll make it worth your while."

"Oh yeah?"

"I'll have a month to plan won't I?"

He chuckled and twirled a strand of her hair through his fingers.

"There's the bright side."

She sat up suddenly, turning to him and taking his face in her hands before kissing him deeply.

"Thank you for being the wonderful person that you are and making me miss you so much."

"I didn't come like this, babe. You made me better."

"You made me better too."

"Well we're just all around pretty awesome aren't we?"

"And exceedingly humble to boot."

* * *

"Whee! Whee! Oh fun!" Avery hollered from downstairs. Lindsay cringed and wondered what could possibly be making her that happy, but decided that since she was occupied, there was no reason to disturb the peace. Besides, there was too much laundry to be put away and other housework to be done for her to be worried about what the kids were doing downstairs. Colton was down there with his nose buried in a book, but he could usually be counted on to make sure Ben and Avery didn't injure themselves with whatever scheme they were concocting.

"Hey honey can you go get that last load out of the dryer? I want to be done with laundry as soon as possible."

"Yes ma'am," Adam agreed, finishing shining his dress shoes. "Are you going to need more hangers from the laundry room?"

"Yeah, thanks."

He went downstairs whistling and she finished putting their clothes away, tossing all the socks into a basket to be sorted by the next kid that needed a punishment.

"Uh babe, you'd better come down here."

"Why, what happened?"

"Well, Ben and Avery are very, very clean. That's the good news."

Groaning and wondering what could have happened, she made her way downstairs where Colton was sitting on the couch smirking and Adam was standing in the doorway to the laundry room, his hands on his hips.

Water and soap covered the floor, having overflowed from the washer. Ben was standing there looking frightened while Avery did spastic pirouettes in her diaper, giggling every time she fell into the soapy mess.

"What on earth happened in here?"

"Well mama, it's a long story," Ben said with a sigh. "And I'd like to tell you about it. But I got laundry to do."

"Benjamin."

"Why do I always get called that when I am on thin ice?"

"So you'll know you're on thin ice," Colton offered.

"Oh."

"Ben, what did you do?"

"Well I needed to learn how to do my own laundry," he started. "I'm growin' up after all, mama! And you will not always be around to wash my underpants."

"Where do you think I'm going?"  
"Maybe China since you love their food so much," he answered with a shrug. "I am thinkin' that maybe I went overboard on the soap though. Maybe a big jug was too much?"

"Oh Ben," Lindsay sighed while Adam just kept staring at the mess. "What are we going to do?"

"Well… you won't gotta mop this floor for a long time!"

"I think we just have to start bailing it, hon," Adam suggested. "Ben, what did you put in the washer? We didn't have any dirty laundry left."

"Sissy's clothes. They were messy!"

"What were they messy with?"

"They're sissy's clothes, they're always messy! Right sissy?"

"Uh-huh!" she agreed, sitting down on the floor and spinning herself in a circle. "Whee!"

"I think we need to get her cleaned up first. She's going to get a rash from all this soap if she stays in it too long. Avery, go with mama and get cleaned up."

"I swim! Mermaid!"

"Come on Ariel, this water is contaminated."

She grabbed her slippery child and took her upstairs while Adam grabbed the mop bucket from the cupboard and started to bail the water into the utility sink.

"Daddy are you very angry?"

"No, I'm not angry at you Ben. You were trying to do something good, you were just a little misguided."

"I just want to learn this."

"Tell you what. If you help me clean this up and promise to always ask for help when you want to learn something, then I will teach you how to do laundry later. Okay?"

"You really will daddy?"

"I will. Let me get this water off the floor and then you can help me clean the rest up."

"It is good I thinked fast and putted the doggy bed over there so the water wouldn't get on the rest of our floors huh?"

"Yeah, I'm very glad you did that. It was a good idea."

Ben nodded proudly and rocked back and forth on his heels while Adam continued to clean up the mess. It didn't take as long as he thought it would to get all the water off the floor and pretty soon they were rinsing it with clean water and drying it with towels.

"Wow, these floor sure do sparkle! Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea!"

"Don't you dare do it again Ben."

"I'll make a note of it," he agreed. "My socks is so wet they feel like walkin' on a whale's tongue. I will go change them."

"Give them to me and I can throw them right in the wash."

"Okay here you go! I'm gonna go tell mama that we're done."

He thundered up the stairs and skidded to a halt in the bathroom, breathing fast.

"Mama. We're done cleanin' the room down there. Are you done cleanin' sissy?"

"Yes I'm done."

"Good! Now we could eat dinner outside like you promised! Come on sissy!"

"No, wait sissy," Lindsay chuckled, making sure Avery was all the way in her pajamas and her hair was at least mostly dry. "Okay now go."

The kids giggled and took off down the stairs while Lindsay cleaned up the bathroom and wondered if other mothers in the world had figured out how to sit down and do nothing while their kids were still awake.

"Babe, we're takin' the food out. You comin'?"

"Yeah."

She joined them downstairs and got the plates of food ready while Adam and Colton started a fire in their fire pit. Ben and Avery sat cuddled up in one of the camp chairs, eagerly awaiting their food and excited about doing something out of the norm.

"Oh that fire!" Avery said, pointing at the scant orange flames. "Lovely!"

"Yeah, they are a sight to behold, aren't they?"

"Yes. Are."

"Wow mama, this chicken is sure good," Colton said, getting sauce all over his face. "Thanks for makin' it for us."

"You're welcome buddy."

"I think it's good too!" Ben said, waving the drumstick in the air. "Also I like the rest of this food! I like it even more than sissy does!"

Avery's food sat ignored while she started at the fire, nearly in a trance. Her eyes were huge as she watched the flames grow, then she held her hands out and giggled as they got warm.

"This so fun," she decided with a whisper, looking up at Lindsay and smiling. "Like this mama."

"Me too. Why don't you eat your dinner honey?"

Avery sighed and ate her food, staring at the fire the entire time. They were all quiet sitting there, enjoying the fresh air and simplicity. Lindsay was starting to think even more that Adam's idea of getting away for a weekend was a very good one.

"I sit your lap," Avery said after a while, her dinner mostly eaten. She slid out of her chair and climbed into Lindsay's lap, settling in to more than likely fall asleep. Normally in the evenings she wanted Adam or the boys to hold her and preferred Lindsay to just tuck her in, but occasionally only her mama would do.

"Can we cook something over this fire?" Colton asked, picking a stick up from the ground. "This would be a good one for marshmallows."

"We don't have any marshmallows this time, but maybe next time."

"Well okay."

"Oh no I feeled a raindrop!" Ben shrieked, jumping up from his chair and looking at the sky. "Those are angry clouds! It's gonna make a storm!"

"Ben, not so loud," Adam started to say, but was overpowered by a clap of thunder, which caused all three kids to scream in delight.

"A storm!" Colton shouted happily, standing up and doing a little dance. "Maybe it will be a flood!"

"Yeah! Maybe we could get in the car and drive in it!"

"Yeah, we could follow it! Could we daddy? Like storm chasers?"

"I don't know if it's going to be a big enough storm to follow boys."

"How 'bout if the power goes out, then could we?"

"Okay, if the power goes out, we'll go chase the storm. For now let's get cleaned up."

The boys were quick about stacking up plates and taking them inside while Adam folded the chairs up and leaned them against the house.

"Think we should put out that fire?"

"Yeah, it might not rain enough to take care of it," Lindsay said, maneuvering down to grab the container of sand while still holding Avery on her hip. "Ready to go inside sweetie?"

"No fire?"

"We'll have another one later."

"Bye fire," she said, waving at the smoking pit. "See later."

They went inside where the boys were rinsing the dishes and putting them in the sink, chattering about the storm and if the power would go out or not.

"What can we do while we wait for the power to go out?" Ben asked, certain that it would happen just because he wanted it to. "Could we play somethin' fun?"

"It's time to start settling down. Why don't you boys go get in your pajamas-"

"Aw man!"

"And we'll read a couple chapters."

They grumbled but went upstairs to change while Adam took the cushions off the couch and reached down to grab the pull out bed.

"More comfortable than cramming on the couch," he explained when Lindsay gave him a questioning look.

"Mama, no go night-night."

"Not yet sweetie. Daddy's going to read to us. Is that okay?"

"It okay. Blankie."

"We're ready!" Ben announced, his hair sticking up from changing his shirt. "Cole broughted the book."

They all clambered up onto the bed together and settled into the pillows while the storm gained power outside. They managed to get through a chapter before the rain and thunder were so loud that they couldn't hear each other. Adam stood up and turned the lights off so they could all watch the rain out the window.

"I like the look of that rain," Ben announced after a moment. "It makes me think about all the roads bein' rivers. And that maybe there would be fish in them. And that we could go fishin', like when mama was a kid."

"Hey Ben, in school I learned that faraway in Italy, there's a town that has rivers for roads. And people use boats to get around."

"Do they have to look both ways before they cross the road?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"What if Dunner lived on the other side of the road? And I wanted to go there but I can't swim and I can't drive a boat?"

"Well I think there is some bridges."

"Oh whew. That would be a close call if I lived in Italy."

"Hey Ben if you could live anywhere in the whole world, where would it be?"

"I would live here, in our house. What about you?"

"I think I would live here too. Except we would have a pool in the backyard. And a tree house. And a second house for the Messers."

"Yeah, that would be fun. How 'bout you sissy?"

"With mama."

"You would live wherever mama lived?"

"Yes. And daddy."

"Well mama and daddy will always live together. Won't you?"

"Don't worry Ben. Mama promised me long ago that her and daddy will always love each other and live together. For all the days."

"Good, I am glad. Daddy, you don't mind livin' with mama even though she's a girl?"

"What does being a girl have to do with it?"

"Well girls smell like flowers and boys don't like flowers."

"Yeah, but I like your mama more than anything in the world. I'd rather live with her and smell flowers all the time than not live with her at all."

"Wow, love is really strong, huh?"

"It's like how sometimes you don't want to play the game that Junior is playing but you'll play it just because you want to play with him."

"Oh I get it! Mama, do you love daddy enough do to stuff with him what you don't like?"

"Yeah, like when he wants me to rub his feet."

"Ew!" both boys hollered, laughing.

"Or like when you still kiss each other even when you're mad?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"I don't know that I got enough patience for love," Ben concluded with a sigh. "But I got a lot of years before I need to fall in love anyway."

"Yeah, me too," Colton agreed. "That's why we got mama and daddy, to show us how love goes."

"I like this. Could we sleep here together tonight? Just our family?"

"I don't know," Adam sighed, glancing over at Lindsay to see if she already had plans for the night.

"I guess we could just this one time," Lindsay decided, watching as Ben's eyes lit up. "But you have to actually go to sleep. No horsing around just because you're not in your own bed."

"Okay mama I promise!" he said, taking his glasses off and handing them to her before settling into the blankets.

Adam and Lindsay grinned at each other over the tops of the kids heads, planning on sneaking upstairs after all three had drifted off.

"This day was real good," Ben yawned. "Despite the problem with the laundry. All days is good in our home. All days."


	235. Chapter 235

"All done mama!"

"Okay, you can get down from the table."

"Ben!" Avery shouted, sliding off of her chair. "I done! We play!"

"Sissy, I'm in the middle of somethin' else! You taked too long!"

Grunting in anger, Avery ran upstairs and a fight ensued, which Lindsay tuned out because she was way too tired for such things. Adam had just taken Colton to school and headed to work, and she had just enough time to clean up breakfast before it would be time to take Ben to school. And she still had to get dressed.

"No sissy! Stop that!"

"Mine! MINE!"

Stuffing all the dishes in the sink, Lindsay stomped up the stairs and found the kids locked in a life or death battle over an old broken Frisbee. She took it away from both of them and sent them to their rooms, despite their arguments, and shut both of their doors, then took the Frisbee upstairs and put it in the closet, where it would sit until they learned to share.

She changed her clothes quickly and ran a brush through her hair before going back downstairs.

"Okay, you two can come out of your rooms now."

The doors opened and the kids rushed towards each other, hugging tightly with tears streaming down their face.

"I sorry! I love Ben!"

"I'm sorry too sissy! I love you so much!"

"Oh Ben, we play now?"

"Well until I have to go to school. Do I have to go to school now?"

"Yeah, it's time to leave."

Avery threw her head back and wailed as loudly as she could, gigantic tears dribbling down her cheeks.

"Sissy, it's okay! It's okay I will be home soon."

"You're going to Junior's after school," Lindsay reminded him gently.

"Oh. Oh no, sissy is gonna be so sad!"

"Avery," Lindsay started, crouching down in front of the baby and wiping her eyes. "I know you're sad about not playing with Ben, but you get to have me all to yourself for the rest of the day."

"Avery an' mama?"

"Yes baby."

"You play I want?"

"Yes, whatever you want."

The tears were long forgotten and Avery smiled, nodding her head and letting her pigtails bounce.

"Avery an' mama play so most!"

"As soon as we get home, but for right now we need to hustle Ben to school."

"Shopping?"

"Nope, I promised you we would play this morning, so we'll go grocery shopping after your nap this afternoon."

"Wow sissy, that's pretty special! Mama always does the shoppin' in the morning!"

"Yep. Let's go!"

Avery led the way down the stairs, jumping off the last one and clapping her hands as if it was a new feat that she'd never done before.

"Mama, I have show an' tell today. Know what I am talkin' about?"

"I can only imagine," Lindsay chuckled, helping the kids into their coats.

"Today I'm gonna talk about Qwerty and how we are teaching him tricks. And teacher said that one day at the end of the year we are havin' a animal day and we can bring our pets! Would it be okay to bring Qwerty?"

"We'll have to wait and see, okay?"

"Okay mama. Now sissy, hold my hand while we walk to the car so you don't run out in the street, okay?"

"Okay Ben."

* * *

"This tea," Avery explained, waving her hand grandly over the small table in her room. "This sugar. This crumpets. And this milk!"

"Wow, I've never been to such a fancy tea party before," Lindsay chuckled. "And you're such a good hostess too."

"Yes. Drink tea please. It hot."

"Oh I'll be careful."

Avery nodded importantly, then made a whooshing noise as she pretended to pour milk into her own cup of tea.

"So, how you are Miss Windsay?" she asked, folding her hands in her lap.

"Oh, I'm very well, thank you for asking. How are you Miss Avery?"

"Well, I grand. Tea good?"

"Yes, it's very good. Is it a special recipe?"

"Oh yes. Secret. Shh."

"So who are all these other people you've invited?" Lindsay asked, gesturing to the dolls that sat around the table.

"This Lola," Avery started, pointing around the circle. "This Honey. An' this… um… oh! Redda-Heada! Mama's baby doll!"

"That's right, she was mine when I was little. And she has red hair just like you. Are you very good friends with all of these dolls?"

"Oh yes. We play. Most tea?"

"Oh thank you sweetie, I would love more."

Avery made a whooshing sound again, then stood up from the table and excused herself. Snickering, Lindsay peeked around the corner and saw that Avery went into the bathroom. She rummaged around for a few minutes, then came toddling back, a small jar of nail polish in her hand.

"Mama, you do this? My toes?"

"Sure. Why don't you go sit on your bed so I can see them better."

Avery jogged to her bed and climbed up, letting her feet dangle over the side, while Lindsay sat on the floor in front of her.

"Wow, what a beautiful color you've picked, Avery."

"It purple."

"Yes it is. Do you want to do your fingers too?"

"No. They pink."

"Oh that's right. So what would you like to do for the rest of the day?"

"Um, I do mama's hair. Get Ben. Eat lunch. Cuddle nap."

"I think that sounds like the perfect day. All done! What do you think?"

"They so beau'ful. Thank."

"You're welcome. Can I have a kiss?"

Giggling, Avery leaned down and kissed her, then hugged her tightly.

"Avery love mama so."

"I love you too sweetie."

"Avery do hair now."

Lindsay turned around and Avery set to work, humming to herself and basically just picking up sections of hair and dropping it, or twisting it around her finger then letting it go. She kept at it for quite a while, even getting up to find a brush just to make it "most pretty."

Lindsay's eyelids were getting heavy with help from the gentle touches and she yawned, trying to stay awake.

"Mama, 'lax. Shh."

"I can't fall asleep right now honey. We need to go get Ben pretty soon."

"Oh."

"But next time I need to fall asleep I might just have you brush my hair."

"Feel nice," Avery agreed, clucking her tongue.

Lindsay's head had just become much too heavy to hold up when her phone rang, startling her out of the nice doze she'd been about to have.

"Hello?"

"Lindsay, it's Jo. Where are you honey?"

"I'm at home with Avery."

"Okay. I don't want you to panic."

"What's wrong?"

"Adam and Mac were on the way to the lab from a scene and they got into a minor accident."

"How minor?"

"Well…"

"Jo, are they okay?"

"They're fine. A little banged up and sore. The other car hit on the passenger side, so Adam's worse off. He's got a lot of bruising and… you might want to just come down to the hospital."

"Are you sure he's okay?"

"He's going to be fine sweetie."

"Okay… I'm going to… I'll get the boys and I'll be right there."

"Linds, don't panic. He's just fine."

"Are they discharging him?"

"Not just yet."

"Then he's not fine."

She turned the phone off and picked Avery up, unaware that she had even gotten to her feet.

"Mama what?"

"We need to go get the boys."

"Why?"

"Because. Daddy's hurt."

"No! Daddy not hurt!"

"He's going to be okay."

Avery whimpered and held on tight as they made their way out the door.

* * *

"They're just making sure his breathing is okay," Jo said, meeting Lindsay as she stepped off the elevator. "His seatbelt really caught and they've ruled out lap belt injuries, but they've just finished up the X-Rays to check for cracked ribs."

"Where is he?"

"The room at the end of the hall."

"Kids, stay with Jo please."

"Mama! Avery want daddy!"

"I know you do sweetie and you'll see him in a minute," Lindsay assured, handing her daughter over. "Be good, I'll be right back."

"Come on kids, I'll show you the vending machine," Jo said, adjusting Avery on her hip and holding her hand out for Ben and Colton. Their voices faded as Lindsay walked down the hall, gently opening the door at the end.

"Babe, I'm fine," Adam said upon seeing the look on her face. "I'm just sore and kind of beat up."

She didn't say anything, just crossed the room to him, sitting down on the bed holding back tears as she kissed him.

"Lindsay, I'm okay," he said, pressing his forehead to hers. "I promise. Why are you laughing?"

"Just… when does it end?"

A wry grin cracked across his face as she leaned down to gently hug him.

"Oh Adam."

"I know babe."

"I'm just glad you're okay."

"I'm fine. They're going to let me leave as soon as the films are back. You look a little pale honey."

"Yeah, well I wasn't exactly expecting this. I thought we could settle down for a little while, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. Where are the kids?"

"Jo has them out in the waiting room. Ben's upset that he's not going to Juniors."

"He can still go. We'll drop him off on the way home."

"Are you sure?"

"Linds, it's not a big deal. I'm fine I swear."

"Listen to him, he's right," the doctor announced, coming in the door with X-Rays in his hand. He put the films up on the light board and showed them that everything was fine, and the bruising would go away in a few weeks.

"You're free to go, unless you'd like a script for some pain management."

"Nah, it's not so bad."

"Alright. I'll send the nurse back in with your discharge forms."

"See babe, alls well that ends well," Adam said brightly, sitting up and swinging his legs over the side of the bed. "I didn't even have to put on one of those cheap gowns."

"You think you're being funny," she sighed, playing with his hands. "But you're not."

"Are you going to be grumpy for the rest of the day? Because if you are, I might request they keep me here."

The glare she gave him was not one he ever wanted to see again so he toned down the smile and took her concerns seriously for a moment.

"Lindsay, look at me. Sitting there thinking about what could have happened is not going to make you feel any better, but it will try my patience. I know you love me and I know this kind of thing really freaks you out, but today, nothing really bad happened. You need to remember that."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. We'll go home and I'll kick your butt at Mario Kart and all of this will just be a distant memory."

"Did they give you some pain killers already? Because you're delusional if you think you can beat me at Mario Kart."

"You know, we've never let the kids play it with us."

"I don't know if I'm disappointed in us for not sharing the wealth, or if I kind of like that it's just ours."

He shrugged, then sucked in a breath of pain, then moaned at the pain the breathing had caused him.

"Okay so I'm not Superman. Sorry to disappoint you."

"Superman's not what I call you," she teased, her voice dropping low and her eyelashes batting against her cheeks. His eyes bulged out and his face turned red while she kept up the sultry expression as long as she could.

"You know I call you-"

"Stop!"

She giggled and rested her head on his shoulder, running her fingers lightly over the back of his hand.

"I'd never say it out loud. At least not in public."

"I never knew you were like this when I met you," he whispered as the blush receded from his face. "Never would have guessed."

"Well, you almost just died. I can't help being like this."

"I didn't almost die Linds."

"In my head you did," she whispered gently. "Don't do that again, hmm?"

"I'll do my best."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"We're kind of corny," she commented with a grimace.

"Yeah, but together, so…"

"When the rest of the world turns their backs on us, we'll have each other?"

"So romantic."

* * *

Avery stood in the kitchen with her hands on her hips, surveying the cupboards and drawers for a moment before grabbing her step-stool and pushing it up against the sink. Reaching as far as she could, she turned the water on and let it dribble over her hands, then turned it off again and wiped her hands on her shirt. With a little sigh she climbed down from the stool and started opening drawers, using them as stairs to climb onto the counter. Daddy was very tired and mama was helping him, so it was up to her to make dinner. It couldn't be that hard, especially since the boys were at the Messers for the night. Certainly she could cook dinner. Opening a cupboard she found what she was looking for, and grabbed the box of spaghetti noodles and the jar of sauce. She set them on the counter next to her and stared at them for a while, not sure what to do next. She knew the noodles went into the sauce, but she wasn't sure how. Curious, she slammed the box down on top of the jar.

"Avery, what are you doing in there?"

"Make dinner mama. You sit!"

There was laughter from the other room and Avery frowned as Lindsay came in to help.

"Well I guess we can do this together."

"No. Avery do."

"Sweetie, you can't use the stove and the pots are going to be too heavy for you. Why don't you just help me-"

"No! I care of daddy."

She climbed off the counter and walked purposefully into the other room, climbing up on the couch next to Adam.

"Oh daddy," she murmured, running a chubby hand over his face. "Make you better."

"I'm okay, Tink. Just a little tired."

"You hurt," she decided, tipping her head to the side and gently touching the cuts on the back of his hand from the glass.

"It's alright sweetie."

"Daddy most brave," she whispered, leaning against his arm. "So most."

He smiled and pulled her into his lap, hugging her tightly and kissing her cheeks.

"You're so much like your mama."

"Yes. Like mama. An' like Au'tin."

"Yeah, some of your weird ways are a lot like Austin."

"I weird?" she questioned.

"Yes, you are very weird."

"I weird!" she shouted happily, clapping her hands. "Mama, I weird!"

"Yeah, I knew that the first moment I saw you."

Avery threw her head back and laughed hysterically until her face was red and she was drooling out the side of her mouth.

"Oh mama funny," she wheezed after a while, catching her breath.

"I think you're the funny one, baby," Adam chuckled as she leaned against his chest and sighed.

"I do best," she answered, using a mangled version of the phrase she'd heard Colton say so often.

"I know you do. Did you know you're my favorite daughter?"

She giggled and nodded her head, then squeezed his arm.

"Daddy strong."

"I'm not that strong."

"Daddy hero."

Her voice was so firm that he didn't argue just smiled and enjoyed the fact that she was still young enough to think he made the sun rise in the morning.

"Daddy hungry? Mama cookin'," she said after a moment. "Owwies better?"

"Yeah my owwies are getting better. I could probably eat soon."

She gave a short nod and patted his stomach, then her own.

"My belly," she said after a moment. "It big."

"You're a growing girl. And it's not that big anyway. It's just because you're short."

"I cute. Sarah say."

"Daddy says so too."

"I cute. Mama beau'ful. Daddy beau'ful?"

"No, daddies are handsome."

"Daddy han'some."

"Thank you honey."

"Thirsty? I get water."

"I could really use some water right about now. That would be great."

She smiled and slid off of his lap, galloping into the kitchen with a big grin on her face.

"Mama, cup please. Daddy water."

Lindsay handed her a cup and watched with amusement as Avery opened the fridge and turned the faucet on the filtered water container inside. Her face was set in deep concentration as she filled it almost to the brim.

"There," she said, mostly to herself. "I give daddy."

She left the fridge door opened and went into the other room, sloshing water out of the cup as she swiveled her hips to make herself look more grown up.

"Here daddy. Drink up."

He smiled and took a drink of the water while she watched him carefully.

"This is the best water I've ever had, Tink."

She gave a short nod of satisfaction, then went into the kitchen, intent on setting the table. She could get used to this taking care of daddy thing.

* * *

"Okay, are you comfortable?" Lindsay asked, nervously fluffing the pillows on her side of the bed one more time as if it mattered.

"Yes, I'm fine. Ten more minutes and the pain pills with kick in and all your obsessive worrying will just fade away as I fall asleep."

"I can't help that I love you," she defended, leaning down to kiss him.

"I wouldn't ask you to try. Thanks for taking care of me."

"Thanks for bein' alive for me to take care of."

"Absolutely."

"I'm going to go wrangle Avery into bed and call Austin to make sure Colton did his homework and then I'll come to bed. And you will be completely crashed out by then huh?"

"I'm feeling the pull already."

"I love you Adam. Goodnight."

"Goodnight sweetie."

She leaned down and kissed him once more, then stood from the bed and went downstairs. Avery was sitting on the couch in her pajamas, a photo album open across her lap.

"Hi mama. Lookin' pictures."

"Can I look with you for a little bit?"

"Oh yes."

Lindsay sat down and smiled at the old pictures on the page.

"This mama an' daddy," Avery explained.

"Yep. Austin took that picture on New Year's Eve."

"Where Avery?"

"Oh, daddy and I weren't even married yet. We had no idea we would ever have an Avery."

"Coley and Ben?"

"Nope, we didn't know about them either. We were just falling in love."

"Oh. What this?"

"That is a long story," she chuckled looking at the strip of pictures from a photo booth.

"Tell."

"Well one time me and daddy and Austin and Danny decided to drive out to Coney Island after a very long, sad day at work. We were all very tired and cranky and Austin made us all climb into this photo booth and make faces and get our pictures taken to make us feel better. And it worked. See, by this last picture we're all laughing. Of course that could be because we were all about to fall out of the booth because there wasn't enough room for all of us in it."

"I like," she whispered with a nod. "Now this one?"

"Your daddy took this picture one day when I fell asleep on him. He wanted to prove to me that I looked cute when I was sleeping."

"Rascal daddy."

"You are correct my dear."

"An' this?"

"Daddy got a new phone and insisted that we break in the camera on it. That's why most of these are blurry."

"Oh! Mama princess!" Avery squealed, turning the page.

"Yeah I did fee like a princess that day."

"What doing?"

"That was the day daddy and I got married."

"Oh. I see. Mama love daddy so. Smile much."

"It was one of the happiest days of my life."

Avery nodded and continued to look at the pictures intently, as if she was memorizing every inch of them.

"Mama daddy kissin'!"

"Yep."

"Kiss lots. Avery kiss?"

"Someday I hope you fall in love with someone that loves you as much as daddy loves me. And when you do, I hope that you get to kiss them all you want, just like me and daddy."

"Oh."

"I hope you never settle for someone that doesn't love you that much honey. I hope that daddy and I can teach you better than that."

"Time night-night?"

"Yeah, let's go get you tucked in."

They went upstairs and Avery took a few minutes to arrange her stuffed animals and crawl into bed, but no sooner had her head hit the pillow than her eyes closed and she fell into sleep. Lindsay should have gone back downstairs to clean up and call Austin but she just didn't feel like it, so she went upstairs instead and crawled into bed beside Adam, watching him breathe while he slept. Tears flowed down her cheeks at the thought that someday would be the last day she would ever be with him, that one day he might be gone. And despite how fine he claimed he was, that day could have been today, and she was nowhere near ready to let him go.


	236. Chapter 236

"Daddy can we go swimming?" Ben asked hopefully, already wearing his swim trunks and goggles. "I said to Dunner that you would take us!"

"Ben, I can't take six kids to the pool. It's too many to watch."

"But I telled Dunner!"

"Well maybe you should have asked me first. If you're patient I can get your pool set up in the backyard."

"That's a little pool daddy. It ain't the same!"

"Well I don't know what to do for you then."

"Could we have the sprinkler? I would like that! Could we daddy? And waterguns?"

"How about after lunch? It'll be a little warmer then it's too cold for that right now."

"Okay! Hey Dunner! We get to do the sprinkler!" Ben hollered as he ran up the stairs.

Adam sighed and turned the dishwasher on, already exhausted. The kids were well behaved and were getting along alright, but he'd been at work until well after midnight and then had woken up early to take care of them. He didn't mind having them all at once but he simply wished that they would all decide to take a nap.

"Hey uncle Dum!" Isa greeted. "I got gum in my hair."

"You did what?"

"Got gum in my hair," she repeated, holding up a tangled, messy strand. "Right here. It's grape."

He stared at the mess for a second, almost in panic. Her hair was so long and the gum was stuck just above her shoulder and he couldn't just cut it out like he'd had to do with Avery's once. This was bad. Austin and Danny were going to kill him.

"Uncle Dum? Hello? Are you gonna help me?"

"I don't even know what to do Isa."

"I can't live with gum in my hair!" she shouted angrily. "You're the grown up! You gotta fix it!"

"Why is there so much of it?"

"Well see me and Colt and Sarah was having a contest about who could put the most gum in their mouth. And I won. And then I was laying on my back and I blew a bubble, but it kinda got away from me. I tried to get it out but I just made it worse. So what do we do?"

"We Google!" Colton announced from the doorway. "That's what daddy always does when he doesn't know the answer. Mama says it's like he's flying to the BatMobile but I gotta remind her that daddy doesn't have a cape."

Isa laughed heartily and they followed Adam over to the computer where he pulled up the search engine and typed in the query that apparently almost every internet user had typed at some point or another.

"Colton, go see if we have any peanut butter."

"I'm on it, daddy."

He went back into the kitchen while Isa pulled a chair up next to the computer and squinted at the screen.

"You're gonna put peanut butter in my hair?"

"Yeah. It will help to get the gum out."

"Gross!"

"It's okay, I'll wash it out too."

She groaned and wrinkled her nose as Colton brought the peanut butter back into the room with a huge grin on his face.

"Now don't worry, Is. This is just like the time in kindergarten that the kid put glue in my hair. Except this time at least I am not laughing at you."

"I'm real sorry about that Colt. Uncle Dum, is this gonna hurt?"

"No. It might pull a little but-"

"Help! Averylin's choking!"

Adam ran up the stairs as fast as he could and skidded to a halt outside Avery's room, just in time to see her finally cough up a piece of gum. She breathed heavily and stared at it for a moment, her eyes wide. Then she and Sarah both burst into tears.

"That was so scary!" Sarah wailed, tucking Avery into her arms. "I thought you were not going to be okay Averylin!"

Avery took a deep breath then reached down and grabbed the gum off the floor, popping it back into her mouth.

"Averylin Grace!" Adam said, fishing the gum back out of her mouth. "No more gum for you."

Avery just cried harder and held onto Sarah, as if her friend could make it all better again.

"Where did you get this gum, Avery?"

"Coley! Room."

Sighing heavily he went into the boys room and found their Easter baskets exploded all over the floor, the plastic grass stuck in every nook and cranny, and unwrapped candy on the beds. Ben and Junior had chocolate all over their faces and looked up at him innocently when he walked in.

"What… who… why are you kids determined to make me crazy today?"

"My ma said that there's six of us an' one of you," Junior started, taking the chocolate out of his mouth and inspecting it. "And we have to be good. So we were entertainin' ourselves!"

"But who told you to get into the Easter candy?"

"Sissy did!" Ben and Junior replied in unison, pointing at Avery who was standing in the doorway, eyeing a sucker.

"Yes Uncle Adam, it's true. Averylin said "candy please" and then Colton Matthew and Benjamin gave her some and then we all ate some and then we had the gum contest and now you know the rest of the story. Are you very, very mad at us?"

Adam sighed and looked down at Sarah who was on the verge of tears. He could be mad at the rest of the kids but there was no way he could ever be mad at Sarah.

"No honey, I'm not mad. I think that we'll put the candy away for now though."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, dropping her head.

"Sarah, it's okay," Adam assured, reaching down and picking her up. "I promise, I'm not mad. It's just been a long morning. It will get better. Maybe we should all go outside and I'll start the sprinkler. How does that sound?"

"Well you have to put up mine and Isabeth's hair."

"Isa's hair! Crap I forgot. Hey kids, who wants to see Isa with peanut butter in her hair?"

They all laughed and followed him downstairs, where Colton had coated the strand of Isa's hair with peanut butter and was patiently working the gum out.

"I'm almost done," he said, with a sigh. "I read the directions a lot before I started. Am I doing it right daddy?"

"Well that's a lot of peanut butter, but I think it's helping. How are you doing Isa?"

"I smell like a sandwich."

He chuckled and helped Colton with the rest of the gum, and in a few minutes it had all been pulled free.

"Okay, let's wash your hair and then we'll go outside."

Colton ran upstairs to get the shampoo and Adam made quick work of washing Isa's long hair in the kitchen sink. She complained that the water was getting in her eyes, but she started giggling when he put on a terrible British accent and acted like she was a client at a high end spa.

"Alright madam," he said once she was done. "Let's put your hair up so you don't get anything else stuck in it."

"Like what?"

"Like a garden gnome."

She hooted a laugh as they went upstairs where the other kids were changing into their swimming clothes, except for Avery who was just running around naked.

"Averylin, let me help you please," Sarah pleaded, holding up a small pink swimsuit. "It is very unladylike to run around in your birthday suit."

"And gross," Colton added, snapping his goggles onto his face.

"Avery, let Sarah help you get changed please."

"Oh daddy," Avery sighed, but obeyed him anyway.

Isa followed Adam into the bathroom, clenching her fists when he started to brush through her hair.

"Hey, this doesn't hurt!"

"Yeah, I'm magic."

"And you can do a pretty good braid! How do you know this? You're not a mom!"

He laughed and finished up the braid, smiling as she inspected it in the mirror.

"Thanks Uncle Dum. I'm gonna go change."

"Okay. Have Sarah come in here so I can fix her hair too."

"Okay!"

She ran out of the room and Sarah and Avery appeared a few minutes later, the latter with her swimsuit on, but backwards.

"She insisted," Sarah explained, standing in front of him and letting him put her hair up without complaint. "Averylin is strange."

"Yes she is. All done."

Grinning, Sarah turned back around and threw her arms around him.

"Thank you Uncle Adam. Can we go outside now?"

"Yep, let's go."

Isa joined them in the hallway and they trooped downstairs and outside, where the boys were already unwinding the hose and bringing it out to the middle of the yard.

"Daddy, I don't know where the sprinkler is. But we did find the water guns!"

"Okay. Now if I turn the sprinkler on do you guys promise you won't get into any more trouble?"

"Yes!" six little voices promised.

"Alright, here we go."

* * *

The kitchen was clean, lunch was on the table and the candy upstairs had been cleaned up and sufficiently hidden. Adam was currently mentally composing a letter of thanks to whoever had invented the sprinkler, both as a lawn care device and a strategy for child entertainment. Basking in the feeling of his good fortune, he poured six cups of juice and had just taken them to the table when he heard a blood curdling scream from outside.

"Daddy! Help!"

He ran outside with his heart pounding in his chest, having never heard screams like that before.

"Dunner's hurt!" Ben reported, tears streaming down his face. "His leg is gonna fall off!"

At the dramatic proclamation Sarah and Avery burst into loud tears and held onto each other. Colton and Isa were huddled around Junior, who was laying on the ground with blood flowing steadily out of his knee.

"He slipped on the grass," Isa explained, brushing Junior's hair back from his forehead. "And he slid right into those rocks Indy has around the garden. And it was a sharp one. It hurts him so much."

"Let me see, kiddo," Adam said, crouching down and inspecting the cut. It was deep and bleeding but it was a clean cut and there was no need for stitches.

"Ben, I need you to go inside and get a clean towel from the kitchen. Walk carefully so you don't slip."

"Okay daddy."

"Sarah, go ahead and go upstairs to the bathroom and get the first aid kit. Do you know where it is?"

"Yes."

"Go ahead and grab it for me. I think we can just butterfly this."

"Butterfly?" Junior breathed. "I'm a boy."

"It's not a real butterfly kiddo," Adam chuckled. "It's just a big band-aid."

"This really hurts," Junior sighed, causing Isa to cluck her tongue and hold his hand tighter.

"I know. It'll be okay."

"I brunged the towel, daddy! You gonna wrap Dunner's leg in it to keep it on?"

"His leg isn't going to fall off Ben."

"Sure looks like it. Then you could be a pirate Dunner!"

Junior just looked at him and rolled his eyes while Adam used the towel to staunch the blood flow.

"Ow! Ow! That hurts!"

"I know. I need to try and stop the blood. Isa, I'm going to pick him up and I need you to hold the towel on his leg, okay?"

She nodded quietly and did as he asked while Colton turned off the water and grabbed Avery's hand so they could all head inside.

Settling Junior on the couch, Adam took a better look at the cut on his knee, glad that the sprinkler had been running so there wasn't any dirt in the wound. He used the bandage Sarah offered him to cover it up, then dabbed the rest of the blood away with the towel.

"Okay, I think it's time to admit defeat. Everyone on the couch, it's movie day."

The kids all climbed onto the couch together, Isa with her arm around Junior. He leaned against her and she kissed the top of his head, whispering to him that it would be okay.

Adam brought their lunches out to them and turned on a movie while they all sat there quiet and subdued. He was certain he could get them to take naps after lunch, especially after a morning of playing in the water.

"Here bub, let me get your juice for you," Isa said softly, reaching for Junior's cup and giving it to him. "Do you need anything else?"

"Could I have a pillow to put my leg on?"

"Yeah. Sarah, you have to help me. Pick up his leg and I will put the pillow under."

The girls bustled around until Junior was comfortable, even covering him with a blanket so he wouldn't get the shivers. Most of the color had returned to his face and he seemed no worse for the wear, but Adam figured it might be a good idea to call Austin anyway. He went into the other room and picked up the phone, hitting the speed dial for her cell.

"Hey Dum, how's everything at PeeWee's playhouse?"

"Well do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

"Oh great. The good I guess."

"We got the gum out of Isa's hair and we didn't have to use scissors."

"And the bad news?"

"Junior fell outside and gashed up his knee pretty good. He's fine, doesn't need the doctor or anything but I thought he might feel better if he talked to you."

"Was he crying?"

"Sniffling. Sarah and Avery were more distraught and Isa has suddenly turned into Florence Nightingale, which to be honest is kind of freaking me out a little."

"She's got a soft spot for her baby brother."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"Are you okay? Sounds like your day was nothing short of eventful."

"I'll survive. But the grandmas aren't allowed to send Easter baskets ever again, that's for sure."

"Oh Dum. I'm so sorry."

"Eh, don't be. It's fine, the kids are all okay. It's just normal stuff. Want to talk to Junior?"

"Yeah thanks."

He handed the phone off and sat down in the recliner, forgetting his own lunch and basking in the silence for a while. He could feel his eyes sliding shut and he let himself fall into a light sleep, keeping one ear tuned in to the kids, just in case.

* * *

"Don't forget the fairy wings," Isa whispered as Sarah's small tongue poked out between her lips as she perfected her drawing of a flying unicorn.

"Do you think he will like it?"

"Uncle Dum loves everything us kids do."

Sarah gave a short nod as Adam stirred, waking from his nap. The girls stared down at him as if they had never seen anyone wake up before.

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Not long," Sarah replied, giving a one shoulder shrug. "The other kids fell to sleep."

"Oh," he said, looking over at the couch where the rest of the kids were curled up and snoring. "Where's Colton?"

"He had to go to the bathroom."

"What have you two been doing?"

"Sarah drew you another tattoo," Isa explained, pointing to his arm. His eyes grew wide when he looked down and saw the childlike drawing in permanent marker on his arm.

"Do you like it Uncle Adam?"

"I… I… um…"

Sarah's eyes started falling to the carpet so he quickly switched tactics, pulling her up onto his lap and kissing her cheek.

"I love it. It means a lot to me that you would share your drawing with me."

"It does?"

"Yes it does. But this is going to wash off after a while, so do you think you could draw it for me on paper so I can keep it?"

"Oh yes! I will do that right now!"

She hopped down from his lap and ran into the other room, rifling through the bottom drawer in the desk to find a piece of paper that wasn't crinkled or already had an Avery scribble on it.

"I knew you couldn't make Sarah cry no matter what," Isa announced with a little snicker. "I also know you don't like girly stuff like that drawing. This has been a prank."

Adam stared at her for a split second before deciding she was probably the most clever child he had ever met. He laughed loudly and pulled her into his arms, blowing raspberries on her cheeks and tickling her stomach. She squealed and tried to get away, but was loving the attention too much to try very hard.

"Daddy's ticklin' Isa!" Ben shouted, stretching as he woke up. "Let's get tickled too!"

He and Avery jumped up from the couch and rushed across the room while Junior stayed on the couch, his face downcast.

"Dunner, c'mon!"

"Binyin, did you forget 'bout my knee? I cannot walk! Won't play sports never again."

"You can walk Daniel," Sarah corrected, her soft voice still somehow audible over Isa's laughing screams. "You just have to believe you can."

Colton was just coming down the stairs and heard what Sarah said, then started laughing. She shot him the worst glare she could muster up, which really wasn't that scary, but it shut him up quickly.

"Okay, that's enough tickling," Adam announced, winded from keeping up with the kids. "Let's all go and have a snack."

The kids all followed him into the kitchen, except for Colton and Isa who sat back on the couch together.

"I'm glad we're not fightin' anymore Colt," she said quietly picking at the loose thread on her bathing suit.

"Me too. I don't like when we fight."

"It wasn't nice of me to be jealous. I know you're my best friend and I am yours no matter what happens."

"Yeah. My daddy says that sometimes ladies need to be reminded how much someone loves them, even when they get told all the time."

"Will you love me forever, even if sometimes you get crushes on other people?"

"Nobody else has been my best friend my whole life. Not even Ben and he's my brother."

"Okay."

"You know what else? Last night at dinner we were talkin' 'bout our first memories. Mama said hers was riding a horse when she was three. Daddy said that he remembers cooking with my grandma. Ben said he remembers when he used to be an astronaut, except I think that was a dream and not a memory. But my first one was this time me and you were taking a nap together and my mama came to get me and you cried because you didn't want me to leave."

"Yeah, I was kind of immature back then."

"But see? You're in my first memory. My very first one."

"Even your brain likes me best."

He laughed and threw his arms around her, smiling when she did the same.

"I love you lots, Isa."

"I love you too Colt."

"If we was our parents, we would kiss after that."

"Gross."

"I'm glad we agree. Wanna go see what's for snack?"

"Sure. But if it's something we gotta share, you mind giving me the bigger half?"

"My daddy always gives mama the bigger half. So no."

"Oh Colt."

* * *

"You took care of six kids all day long, fielded gum in the hair, a choking incident and a bleeding wound, managed to feed them something other than junk, had them all read for half an hour and you made dinner for ten people. I don't know Adam, I think you could market yourself as the robot from _The Jetsons_."

"Shut up Austin, you're just jealous of my apron."

She laughed and flicked a pea at him, which he deflected, only to have it hit Avery in the face.

"Oh!" she exclaimed happily, as if it had fallen from heaven. "A pea!"

Grinning widely, she popped it into her mouth and rubbed her stomach.

"Love peas," she whispered, nodding her head.

"Those are good for you Averylin. Hey ma, did you see the drawing I did for Uncle Adam?"

"Yeah. It's too bad you're not a tattoo artist, I'm sure he'd love to have it permanently."

"Yeah. Daddy, could I draw you something too?"

"I think I'm done gettin' inked Sarah. But maybe you could draw me something that I can hang up at work."

"Ooh! I will do just that!"

"How about the rest of you kids, how did you fare today?" Lindsay asked, reaching over to stop Avery from spilling her drink.

"It was crazy-town," Ben reported with a sigh. "And even daddy burnt his hand on the oven earlier. It's been quite the day. I'm ready to hit the sack."

The rest of the kids murmured their agreement and Adam was sent three shocked adult looks in return.

"And they're ready to go to bed early? Cupcake, how do you feel about bein' a Manny full time?"

"I feel like I need a Tylenol and a foot rub."

"I'll give you two Tylenol," Lindsay offered with a shrug. "And I'll do the dishes."

"Lose some, lose some," he muttered, catching the wink she gave him.

"And sissy peed the couch," Ben continued with a small yawn. "Daddy forgotted she wasn't wearin' a diaper and she just goed. Daddy sweared and then we all had to sit on the floor while daddy used the doggy clean-up vacuum. Cole roped off the area."

Austin and Lindsay snorted with identical laughter while Ben looked proud of himself for being funny, even if he didn't know how.

"I pee-pee," Avery agreed, then looked down at her plate, her eyes wide. "Peas?"

"Different kind, Tink," Adam chuckled.

"Oh dear."

Her confusion was cut short as Junior fell asleep, his head tipping forward and landing in his mashed potatoes.

"Oh Daniel!" Sarah exclaimed as some gravy shot across the table. "You are so tired."

He managed to sit up again, blinking his eyes several times before bursting into tears of embarrassment and exhaustion.

"It's okay Dunner! It maked a cool splash, like when the divers in the 'Lympics jump in the water. You could be in the gravy 'Lympics!"

"I don't want a medal, I just want to be cleaned up!" Junior cried while Austin came at him with a wet rag.

"I think it's time for us to go," Danny said, noticing the tired frown that had taken up residence on Isa's face. "Not that we want to eat and run or anything but… well you know how things can get."

The kids all hugged each other goodbye knowing they would see each other in the morning, as the week of spring break had been carefully planned so they could be together every day. Colton walked the Messers all the way out to their car, standing on the sidewalk and waving until their car was out of sight.

"Okay kiddos, time for bed," Adam said, lifting Avery out of her highchair. She sighed and wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder.

"But I got my second wind!" Ben argued, sliding down from his chair.

"Use that second wind to brush your teeth and get your pajamas on," Adam countered. Ben sighed but went upstairs, followed by Colton who was yawning loudly.

"Give me my child and go sit down. You've worked enough today," Lindsay suggested, holding her hands out for Avery.

"Are you sure?"

"Handling six kids is much harder and exhausting than playing with a microscope all day. Go."

He smiled and handed Avery over, then went into the other room to sit down.

"Did you have fun with your daddy today?" Lindsay asked as they started up the stairs.

"Oh, most fun. Love daddy."

"Yeah, you got pretty lucky to get a daddy like him, huh?"

"Yes, Avery do."

They made it upstairs to find the boys playing in the bathroom rather than brushing their teeth. Lindsay gently redirected them and all three kids lined up by the sink, yawning as she put toothpaste on their brushes.

"Mama, help."

"You could brush yourself sissy," Ben noted. "It's easy with that song what daddy teached us."

"But she can't sing while she brushes Ben," Colton reminded him.

"Oh yeah. Well sissy, I suppose you do need help."

Avery wrinkled her nose and opened her mouth to get her teeth clean and pretty soon everyone was ready for bed. The boys opted out of a story because they were both so tired, so Lindsay just kissed them both and shut their door partway.

Avery had reached the point of tiredness where she was particularly grumpy, and finding a pair of pajamas that didn't make her burst into tears was quite the feat. Finally they found something that worked and Avery was tucked into her bed with her stuffed animals.

"Goodnight sweetie."

"Night mama. In mornin'."

"I'll see you in the morning."

She slipped out of the room and went downstairs, finding Adam stretched out along the couch, his eyes closed as the TV played quietly.

"Incoming," she giggled, laying down with him and kissing his cheek.

"What do you want?"

"I've barely seen my husband all day," she pouted, tugging on his shirt. "I miss him. And his manliness."

"Go tell him that."

She snorted a laugh and leaned up to kiss him.

"I love you."

"I love you too but you're not getting any tonight."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"I mean are you really, really sure?" she asked, playing with his hand.

"Yeah."

"Baby I think you should entertain some other options here."

"What's in it for me?"

"You know what's in it for you Maestro."

"But I'm tired."

"If tired stopped us we'd never do it."

He frowned and opened his eyes, knowing full well that looking at her would be his downfall.

"Okay. But you remember that I didn't officially use a veto this time."

She grinned and leaned in to kiss him, feeling victorious.

"I can talk you into anything. Buy me a pony?"

"Don't push it, woman."


	237. Chapter 237

A/N: I am pretty sure that Adam and Lindsay just killed me with "themness" at the end of this chapter. Holy crap I adore them.

* * *

"Now put your pretty feet in your pretty shoes and get your cute butt moving!" Adam hollered up the stairs. Lindsay hopped around on one foot, trying to get her shoes on while Avery sat on the bed and laughed at her.

"Oh mama."

"Hey, someday you will be getting ready to go on a date and something like this will happen to you and then I will be the one laughing."

"Okay."

Lindsay chuckled and finally got her shoes on, then looked in the mirror and fluffed her hair until it looked just right.

"Alright butter butt, let's go downstairs."

"Mama, where goin'?"

"Daddy and I get to go on a date and you get to stay here with Mac and Jo."

"Mac an' Jo! Yay!"

"I'm glad you're so happy. You love Mac and Jo?"

"Yes. Mac play monsters."

"He does?"

"Yes. Roar most loud."

"I think they spoil you guys, that's why you love them so much."

"Jo make snacks. Marshmallows."

"Oh dear."

"Love marshmallows. Most yummy."

"What if I tell Jo to only feed you broccoli?"

"No mama, Jo make marshmallows."

"How old are you?"

"I two."

"In two years of growin' up, where did you find the time to get such a little attitude?"

"I don't know."

Lindsay chuckled and they went downstairs where the boys were laying on the floor, concentrating very hard on a mess of papers and markers.

"What are you guys doing?"

"We're makin' the specs for this spaceship we want to build," Colton replied, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "It has a scooper on the front of it and so it can go to Saturn and scoop some of its rings up, then bring it back to earth so we can study it!"

"That's going to have to be a big spaceship."

"It launches from Mt. Everest," he explained seriously.

"Mama, you think Mac could help us with this?"

"I bet he would love to try."

"Mama, I hungry," Avery reported.

"You are always hungry. Unfortunately, you just had dinner."

Avery frowned and wiggled down to the floor to join her brothers as the front door opened and Mac and Jo walked in.

"Well hey there Mac and Cheese!" Ben greeted, tipping his imaginary cowboy hat. "Ma'am."

"Hey pardner," Jo chuckled, stooping down to kiss the top of his head.

"Hope you don't got your spurs on ma'am! I hear tell you can't squat with them on!"

She laughed and stood back up as Avery crashed into her.

"Ah Jo! Marshmallows."

"You want marshmallows?"

"Yes!"

"Are you really going to give her marshmallows?" Lindsay asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I tell her it's marshmallows. It's cauliflower."

"You're a genius. I keep forgetting that."

"Hey Mac could you help us with the specs on this spaceship?" Colton asked, holding up an extra marker. "You could write all the part names."

"Yeah sure, just tell me what to do," Mac said, his knees cracking as he got down on the floor with the kids. Lindsay chuckled seeing once again that Mac would always do whatever he could to make the kids happy and even though he wasn't their grandfather, he took it upon himself to fulfill that role as much as he could.

"Babe, you ready to go?" Adam asked as he came out of the kitchen.

"Yeah, I'm ready. You kids had better be good. Colton, Ben, Avery, you need to be good too."

"Very funny Linds," Jo chuckled swinging Avery up into her arms. "You two had better get out of here or Mac and I are going to decide to usurp your date."

"Okay, we're gone."

They said goodbye to the kids and headed outside to the car.

"So what are we doing Mr. Date Planner?"

"Oh, you know."

"No I don't that's why I asked."

"I'll put it this way. You're going to love it."

She smiled and slid her hand into his then leaned back against the seat and sighed.

"Thank you for still dating me after eleven years."

"You're a hot date honey. How could I say no?"

"You couldn't."

"You're beautiful."

"Keep your eyes on the road, Adam."

"Then stop looking at me like that."

She smiled and shook her head as he deftly moved the car in and out of traffic, heading north. She studied him carefully as he drove, noticing the flecks of gray hair he was getting near his temples, the laugh lines near his eyes that had become even more pronounced over the years and enjoying the fact that even with age he still looked the same as he always had. She waited until he stopped the car for a red light, then leaned over and kissed him.

"What was that for?"

"Because I love you. And you're pretty irresistible in case you didn't know."

"Thanks for reminding me. My ego needs a boost occasionally."

"What was it you told me that time? That as long as I was the one on your arm your ego would be just fine?"

"Well I may have said that once-"

"Are you trying to say I'm not the catch I once was?"

"No, I'm saying that I'm a lot worse now."

"Oh brother."

He chuckled and squeezed her hand.

"Thanks for not gettin' bored of me after eleven years."

"I don't think you're allowed to get bored of someone when you're dating. I think that only starts after like seventy years of marriage."

"So you only have sixty more years to enjoy me."

"Once I get bored I think I would just like to die. I'll be falling apart by that time anyway."

"I thought we were going to live until we were a hundred!"

"Yeah, but maybe we will be senile enough to think we're a hundred."

He laughed and looked over at her, shaking his head.

"I'm glad it's you I get to be senile with, babe. It'll be fun."

"I can't wait. I'm gonna steal your dentures."

"Oh you think so? Then I will steal your wig."

"I'm not gonna wear a wig!"

"I know. Because I will have stolen it."

She threw her head back and laughed, letting him win that round with no argument.

"I don't think you understand how much I love you right now."

"No, I get it."

"No one else has ever made me laugh like you do."

"Not even Ben?"

"He's a close second."

* * *

"You are the most wonderful, creative, romantic man I have ever had the pleasure of knowing in ten lifetimes."

"And you are queen of hyperbole."

"You recreated our first date. You're perfect."

"You deserve it. Does it make you feel young again?"

"Very," she said with a smile, leaning back against him as a barbershop quartet took the stage. "Life was a lot different back then."

"So after this long, can I ask you what you were thinking about on that first date?"

"I was thinking that you gave me butterflies and no one else had ever done that before," she started, glancing up at him. "I was thinking that I was really lucky to fall for my best friend. I was wondering if we would miss all the friendship stuff and if things were going to change in a way we weren't ready for. I was hoping that I had been honest with you about who I was and what I was and you wouldn't feel like I'd mislead you. I was scared to death that I was going to screw up and I would lose my best friend. I was nervous because I didn't know what I was supposed to do or how this was going to work. But I think mostly I was just amazed that someone like you had an interest in the likes of me."

"That's a lot of stuff going through that mind."

"What were you thinking about?"

"How hot you were."

She laughed and hugged him tightly while he spun a strand of her hair around his finger.

"We've been through a lot since then," she sighed, lowering her voice so only he could hear. "Mostly good. But a lot of bad too."

"The bad always gives way to good. We always find each other through it."

"We do."

"You know, when we sat here that first night and I let myself imagine how it might be, I didn't think about the bad things that could happen. And right now, sitting here like this I'm not thinking about the bad things that have happened. Well, I guess I am kind of remembering the fight over how to clean the computer keyboard. That was funny."

"My optimist."

"Optimus," he corrected. "Prime."

"When did you take dork lessons?"

"Never had to. I was born with a PhD."

"Dr. Dork."

"Want to be my nurse?"

"Hey now, we're in public."

He opened his mouth to say something, but by the look in her eye, she already knew what he was thinking, so he just shook his head and stayed quiet.

"Hey honey?"

"Yes darling?"

"Thanks for asking me on that first date."

"Thanks for saying yes. To everything."

"Well, you are pretty irresistible. I didn't have much choice."

"And given a choice?"

"I'd make the same decision."

He framed her face with his hands and dropped his forehead to hers, his voice turning serious.

"You'd go with me all over again?"

Her eyes filled with tears at the words and she smiled, wondering why tonight was bringing out the nostalgic in them.

"Over and over and over."

They fell into silence and scooted closer together, enjoying the small breeze that floated by and the rich voices of the performers on stage. So many times, spring had brought on the bad things, and while it was supposed to be a rebirth, she oftentimes dreaded it because all of the pain it seemed to bring. But sitting here tonight as the sun dipped below the city all she could think of is how wonderful it all was, how beautiful and hopeful everything seemed, how the events of springs past had served as a guiding light to this one.

"You two been married long?"

They glanced over to see on older man and his wife sitting on a picnic blanket a few feet away, enjoying the music but obviously watching all the people around them too.

"Almost ten years," Adam answered with a grin, suddenly shocked at all the time that had passed.

"You hold onto that girl of yours," the older mad advised with a grin. "You only get one shot at the best things in life."

"I won't let her go anywhere."

Lindsay grinned as Adam held her tighter, pressing a kiss to her forehead. The man and his wife turned back to the music and Adam couldn't help but think that no matter how much they had loved in their lives, how many decades they'd been together, it didn't hold a candle to how much he loved this woman in his arms.

* * *

"Did you and daddy have fun on your date?" Ben asked, taking his glasses off.

"Of course we did. I always have fun with daddy."

"What did you do that was fun? Did you go on a roller coaster?"

"No sweetie."

"Did you drive a racecar?"

"Nope."

"Did you play Legos?"

"No, we didn't."

"Then how the heck did you have fun mama?"

She chuckled and kissed his cheek while Colton sighed.

"Mama and daddy are old, Ben. They have fun just starin' at each other."

"Oh. I don't see how that's fun. Unless you're playin' the starin' game. Was that what you was doin'? Who winned? I bet it was you; daddy always blinks."

"I think we tied," Lindsay answered, tucking his blankets around him a little tighter. "Did you kids have fun with Mac and Jo?"

"Yep! Mac telled us 'bout his days in the Marines! Did you know he is a real life hero?"

"Yeah, I did know that."

"And Jo-Jo telled us 'bout when she was growin' up in the south. And she has a lot of brothers and a sister and they had a dog too! And we were in the middle of that story when sissy sneezed so much snot out of her nose and Mac grossed out."

"Jo laughed a lot and Aves looked embarrassed, so I cleaned her up," Colton added. "It was a pretty nasty one. She has a lot of snot in her small nose."

"I thinked Mac was gonna throw up. He looked disgusted."

"I would look disgusted too. Are you boys ready for bed?"

"I think I need a cup of hot chocolate," Ben requested. "I'm famished."

"Famished means hungry sweetie," Lindsay chuckled. "No dice."

"Aw nuts!"

"It was a good try, Ben. If you had used the right word, I bet mama would be getting you hot chocolate right now. You needed to say "I'm dying of thirst." Can I have some hot chocolate mama?"

"Nope, you already brushed your teeth."

"We would brush them again!"

"No hot chocolate boys. But it was a good attempt."

She tucked them in tightly and kissed them both before shutting their lamp off and leaving the room. Stepping across the hall, she found Adam and Avery sitting in the rocking chair, talking softly to each other in the moonlight. Avery reached up and patted Adam's face as she talked, her eyes wide with excitement with whatever she was talking about. Adam was completely entranced by her, running his fingers through her hair and gently tracing along her face to try and get her to fall asleep.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah baby?"

"Love Avery?"

"Yes. I love you with all my heart."

She smiled widely and snuggled in closer to him.

"When you get to be a big girl, Averylin, do you promise to let daddy cuddle you like this?"

"Yes daddy. Love cuddles."

"Even when you're a teenager and you don't like me anymore?"

"Avery like daddy. All time."

"Okay, now you just remember you promised."

She giggled and nodded her head against his shoulder while he stood up and took her to her bed. She didn't protest climbing under the blankets or that fact that it was time for bed, she just grabbed her stuffed animals and lay down, closing her eyes.

"Sweet dreams baby girl. I love you."

"Love daddy."

He kissed her a few times then stood up to leave, but decided that a few more kisses were in order. She was smiling sleepily by the time he managed to pull himself away from her and meet Lindsay in the doorway.

"What? She's adorable."

"Charming just like her daddy," Lindsay said with a grin, taking his hand and pulling him towards the stairs.

"Where are we going?"

"Up."

"And?"

"Adam, what do you think we're doing?" she asked with a sly smile, her eyebrow shooting up.

"Well yeah I got that but… babe, we didn't have dessert you know!"

She stopped walking and chuckled, turning them around to go downstairs.

"Alright, I'm sure we can find something. But remember this if I fall straight to sleep later. You had a choice."

"You won't fall asleep babe. And if you promise to stay awake, I promise to give you a massage later."

"You're really pulling out all the stops aren't you?"

"Just want you to know I love you."

"I know."

"And I want you to remember because I'm going to be gone for a while-"

"Stop talking about it!"

"Okay, okay," he chuckled, shaking his head and flipping on the kitchen light. "So, ice-cream?"

"We don't have any."

"Cake?"

"We don't have any."

"What about those donuts you hid?"

"I ate them last week when we fought about how long to run the sprinkler and you called me controlling."

"Cookies?"

"Austin ate them."

"They weren't hidden?"

"Hey, when my best friend is having a bad day, the cookies come out of hiding."

"Okay so what do we have?"

"Graham crackers and frosting."

"As good as anything. Where is it?"

"Turn around."

He gave her a cheeky grin and turned in a complete circle while she rolled her eyes because it was exactly something that Ben would have done.

"Fine, turn in a semi-circle."

He obeyed and she grabbed the unopened can of frosting from its spot.

"You hide it behind the vitamins! You minx!"

He tickled her sides and she squealed, throwing the can of frosting up in to the air while she tried to get away. It splattered on the floor behind them but neither of them really noticed as a small war ensued.

"No, no that's not fair! Adam you can't tickle me there you'll make me pee!"

He laughed and started to pull her into the other room, but slipped on the frosting and had to let go of her to catch himself.

"Well there goes dessert."

She snickered and bent over to clean it up, but he took advantage of her position to swing her up into his arms and carry her into the other room.

"You're tracking… frosting… all over… my floor!" she protested while he kissed her. "My nice… perfect… beautiful… floors!"

"You sound like my mother," he said quickly as he tossed her onto the couch. "Stop it."

She laughed as he stood over her, clucking his tongue.

"Well I got you where I want you. Now what shall I do with you?"

"You could take your shoes off so I'm not preoccupied by the frosting you're tracking all over everything."

He grumbled and kicked his shoes off then stood with his hands on his hips looking her up and down.

"Well, well, well. What have we here?"

"Certainly it's a damsel in distress," she offered with a grin.

"You jest. This is not a damsel, this is a merry wench."

"Hey!"

"She must be kissed into submission!"

He'd jumped onto the couch and started kissing her well before she could even react, so her laughter bubbled up into the kiss, causing a strange sensation but one that they were used to.

"Adam," she said after a moment, trying to find her voice. "You know I started this upstairs right?"

"Mm-hmm," he mumbled, dropping his lips to her neck where they would be put to better use if she was going to be talking anyway.

"Okay, I just want to be clear whose idea this was."

"Uh-huh."

"Because you're not getting points for this."

"Yeah."

"And you're not listening to me either are you?"

"Not at all."

"And you're going to finally buy me that pony right?"

"Not on your life."

She chuckled and he stopped kissing her for a moment to look her in the eye.

"I love you Linds."

"I love you too."

"Even when we fight over stupid stuff like the sprinkler and I call you mean and unfounded names like controlling and cranky."

"You never said cranky."

"I sure thought it."

She laughed and pinched his arm while he settled in on top of her, obviously planning on staying that way for a bit.

"We're going to have to move down just a little or I'm really going to need that massage you offered."

He groaned and they moved carefully until they were both comfortable, arms and legs exactly where they wanted them.

"Now, quit killing the mood here, woman."

"I thought I was adding to it."

"How?"

"Witty repartee has always been part of our-"

"Shut up."

He kissed her and for one moment she let herself fall into it, but quickly snapped back o their conversation.

"See, it must be a part of it because you were so driven by your desire for me that you couldn't even stand to hear the end of the sentence you just had to kiss me right away. So it was the talking that made me irresistible."

"Surely you've been taking hits off of something."

"Don't call me Shirley."

"Babe, you are beautiful and smart and strong and I love you very, very much and I would like to make out with you now so please, please shut up."

"Well alright. As you wish."

"Finally, geez."

He kissed her softly at first, teasing her because he knew she wasn't in the mood for something so gentle. He kept it up for a good long while, even when she gave an overly dramatic bored sigh, just because it was funny and it was okay to be like this and it was something they shared together.

"Adam," she groaned after a moment, nearly rolling her eyes. "If you're going to do this would you do it right?"

"I thought any way was the right way. All roads lead to…" he trailed off, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

"Well yes, but there is the slow, five mile an hour road or the twisty road that goes over mountains and forests and junk, or there's, you know that straight shot road that doesn't take long and you don't waste a bunch of gas along the way. Which one would you rather take?"

"I don't know, I've always kind of thought getting there was half the adventure."

"I can't reason with you."

He gave her a crooked smile then kissed her properly and just the way she liked.

"How's that?"

"By jove I think he's got it! Wanna do that again please?"

"I don't know. Don't want to squander riches and all that."

"Adam Ryan Ross, there is no one in the world quite like you."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Both. On the one hand it's good because you're the only one and I get you all to myself. But on the other hand it's bad because I am sure there are other women in the world that would kill for a man like you."

"So I guess it would be fair to say that I am a desirable commodity."

"It would be fair to say that this has suddenly turned around to where I want you to shut up and kiss me."

"Hmm, funny how that works."

Realization dawned on her and her jaw dropped in awe of his subterfuge. It was quite possibly the best move he could have made in the situation and she felt a nice blush creeping up her cheeks as her heartbeat quickened slightly.

"We should go ahead and get upstairs. Like right now."

"Babe-"

"Run like the wind, Bullseye!"

He laughed and dashed up the stairs with her hot on his heels.


	238. Chapter 238

"So sissy how do you make pancakes?" Ben asked curiously, watching as Avery bustled around her play kitchen. "Could you make me a short stack?"

"Yes Ben," she said with a nod. "This how."

She pretended to scoop some batter into the frying pan, then made a sizzling noise and flipped it.

"It hot," she said, handing him a plate. "Careful amigo."

He nodded and began to "eat," giving nods of approval with every bite.

"Sissy, you sure is a good cook. Maybe you could have your own show. Like Paula Deen! That lady likes her butter and so do you!"

Avery nodded and clasped her hands together. She loved butter so much that every morning she snuck down to the kitchen and opened the butter dish to slide her finger through it and have a bite of butter. No one had found her out yet and she wanted to keep it that way.

"Like my hat?" she asked putting the frying pan on her head.

"Not really. Isn't it hot?"

"Yes! Oh, owwie!"

She tossed the pan into the sink and grabbed a bowl, putting that on her head instead.

"Like this hat?"

"Yep, I do. Now what are you gonna make, sissy?"

"Mac'roni. How mama make. It yummy. You see."

He nodded and moved across the room to sit in front of the cardboard box they had designated as the TV.

"Sissy I will be daddy and you be mama. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Hey babe when is that food gonna be done?"

"Shut up!"

"Why are you so mean to me? I love you!"

She walked over to him with one hand on her hip and a spatula in her hand.

"Love you too. You is diff'cult."

"C'mere and I will smooch ya."

"No way Jose."

She stomped back into her kitchen and Ben continued to act like he was playing video games until she came back and brought a plate to him.

"Well thank you honey! You are the best!"

"You is best. You is cute."

"Yep, I am."

"Now Adam, eat."

"Yes ma'am."

"Oh no! Stove on!"

She rushed over to the kitchen but stopped partway there, spotting Lindsay in the doorway.

"Ah… mama?"

Lindsay was laughing so hard at their portrayal that she had sunk down to the floor and laughter tears were streaming down her face. She could barely take a breath to explain why it was so funny, even if she didn't understand exactly why it had struck her.

"Ben! Mama cry!"

Avery rushed over and pulled Lindsay into her arms, shushing her and patting her head.

"It okay mama. It okay. No cry," she assured, small tears making their way down her own cheeks.

"Sissy, mama is laughin', not cryin!"

"Tears Ben!" Avery hollered before letting out a sob of epic proportions.

"Avery," Lindsay chuckled, trying to grasp her composure. "Honey, I'm not crying."

"Sad, mama."

"No, I'm not sad. You guys just made me laugh so hard that I cried."

"How does that work, mama?" Ben asked curiously, his head tipping to the side.

"I don't know. I think it's a girl thing."

"Oh. Sissy you wanna keep playin'?"

"No. Avery done."

He nodded and started to clean up the dishes while Avery gathered her composure, taking a deep breath and wiping her eyes.

"Hey peoples, we're home!" Colton hollered up the stairs as the front door hit the wall. "Where are all y'all?"

"We're up here Cole!" Ben shouted, jumping to his feet and forgetting the clean up. "Daddy's gonna teach me clothes foldin' today!"

He dashed out of the room and down the stairs while Lindsay wiped Avery's face.

"Well, what do you think, baby girl?"

"I hungry mama. Want chips."

"Chips, really?"

"Yes. Let's go mama."

They made their way downstairs where Adam was already raiding the kitchen for a snack. Avery was happy to join him and together they opened every cupboard and drawer looking for something suitable.

"And so my homework is to stick all these stickers on poison stuff around our house," Colton explained to a greatly intrigued Ben.

"You mean to tell me that there's poison in this home?"

"Yep. It can be as simple as the cleaners under the sink."

"Wow."

"And I need to teach Aves about it too so she doesn't eat stuff she shouldn't."

"Cole, make me your poison deputy!"

"My what?"

"Your deputy of poison! I will help you put the stickers on things what are poison! And I will teach sissy the song what you just telled me!"

"Well… I don't know."

"Come on Cole! I will help ya! See under here? This is 409. It is a cleaner so it must be poison! Gimme a sticker to put on it!"

Colton handed over a Mr. Yuck sticker hesitantly and Ben put it on the bottle.

"What doin'?" Avery asked curiously.

"We're savin' this household! I have a song to teach ya, sissy. It's about this poison man and Cole just teached me it. Ready?"

"Ready Ben."

"Tongue sticks out. Skin what's green. A'member what this sticker means. If you see his face on bottle jar or can, he's Mr. Yuck the Poison Man!"

"What?"

"It means sissy that if you see these Mr. Yuck stickers on anything, you can't eat it or you will die."

"Oh goodness."

"Now let's go find some poison!" he shouted, nabbing the sheets of stickers from Colton and running upstairs.

"But that's my homework!"

* * *

"And I said to daddy that I didn't like the look of that shirt and he should throw it out," Ben explained to the rest of the kids around the dinner table.

"Was it a ugly shirt?" Junior asked.

"Yeah. It was ugly. And I didn't know daddy weared it. And he said he just weared it to bed, but I telled him that it grossed out mama for him to wear ugly shirts to bed."

"Did you like folding the laundry Benjamin?"

"Yep! Me and daddy had a great talk."

Ben continued to tell them about his afternoon folding clothes, while the parents sat at the other end of the dinner table, discussing their current case. It wasn't meant for small ears so they were keeping their voices low and tuning out the conversation from their tiny counterparts.

"The only thing I didn't like was when I had to fold the socks. That was hard work and daddy says that's why mama saves them for when we are in trouble."

"You should get in trouble more often Ben. Because you already know how to fold the socks," Isa said with a glint in her eye.

"I know what you are doin', Isa Messer. I'm not gonna fall for it."

Isa shrugged her shoulders as he kept talking. It wasn't that she hated Ben, it was just that their personalities didn't mesh in any way, shape, or form. He was always so happy and talkative and nothing could get him down. She herself was more realistic and sometimes his extraordinary happiness over absolutely nothing drove her crazy. On the other hand though, he was always the first to offer her words of encouragement, or to give her a hug when she was sad, even if she didn't really want it. She loved him, but there were times when she didn't like him very much.

"And then I finded this thing what I wasn't sure what it was. So I asked daddy and he said it was mamas. And I said to him "Hey daddy but what is it?" and he said they're a special kind of underpants called song underpants!"

His joyous proclamation was loud enough to interrupt the adult conversation and Lindsay's face turned red as Isa looked at her, eyes dancing.

"You got underwear that plays music?" she asked excitedly. "What song does it play?"

"_For He's a Jolly Good Fellow_, now eat your corn," Adam answered, quite possibly as embarrassed as Lindsay was. He'd tried to avoid the question about the thongs but Ben was relentless and even if he'd remembered the name of them incorrectly, it was close enough that everyone else knew what he meant.

"And I was thinkin' 'bout that song underpants that it might give you a big wedgie all the time! Why would you wear those mama?"

She buried her face in her hands while Danny and Austin hooted with laughter.

"This is not funny you two. Shut up."

"Mama no say shut up," Avery reminded her gently. "Not kind."

"But they're laughing at me!"

"Au'tin, Nanny, nice to mama. Okay?"

"You don't know what a sacrifice I'm making not laughin' at her, Mimo."

"Do for me, Nanny."

Danny laughed and shook his head.

"Alright kiddo, I won't laugh at your mama.

"Thank you. Ben, story."

"I finished that story sissy," Ben sighed while Adam apologized to Lindsay over and over again. "But I might have another one up my sleeve! Who wants to hear the story 'bout the man what me and daddy seen on the street what had his zipper down on accident?"

"I don't want to hear that!" Isa exclaimed, wrinkling her nose. "Ben, don't you got no sense of decorum?"

"I don't even know what that means!"

"We don't do decorum in this family," Austin said with a little laugh. "We barely even do politeness."

"So I could talk 'bout the man what haved his zipper down?"

"No, you're in mixed company, son."

"Now that I understand! Anyone else got a story?"

"I got a story about your mama eatin' bugs!" Danny offered with a laugh. "Ask her how she likes that grasshopper chutney."

"Danny knock it off."

"Auntie, you ate bugs? I don't think I can finish my dinner."

"Your daddy ate them too!"

"Yeah but you started it, Montana."

"Oh my word why didn't I get the memo that it was pick on Lindsay day?"

"Because we can't warn you about it, then it's no fun!" Austin laughed, tossing a wadded up napkin at her.

"I think these grown-ups are weirder than us kids," Colton sighed. "Let's go do something else."

The kids all left the table quietly and went upstairs while the adults were left to bicker over the dirty dishes.

"Maybe you just need to be a better sport, Montana. You know, take the hits and roll with 'em."

"That's an idea. Or you could just take the hits that I would like to administer to your face."

"You can't reach."

"I am about to crawl across this table and strangle you," she said, trying to keep the laughter out of her voice.

"Whatever, Montana."

"Zing."

"Watch out Danny, once she's zinged you, she's halfway done planning her revenge," Adam warned with a grin and a quick adoring glance at Lindsay.

"Well crap."

"Now boys, go do the dishes."

"And wear aprons while you do it," Austin added, standing up from the table. "Now skee-daddle, us womenfolk have lots to talk about."

"We do?"

"Yes. Come along."

Lindsay snorted and followed Austin into the other room where they sat down on the couch together, moving various toys and coloring pages to the coffee table.

"Okay, so what's up?"

"Jo told me that when you and Adam go away for your anniversary, you're going to leave the kids with her and Mac."

"Yeah."

"May I ask why they got billing over us?"

"Because I didn't want to saddle you with three extra kids for over a week."

"You'd take my kids for that long."

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because that's my choice. And I know you Austin, you wouldn't have said no even if you wanted to, because you can't say no to me and you can't say no to the kids. If we were going to be gone during the summer I probably would have just dropped them on your doorstep with only the clothes on their backs. But during the school year it would just be too hard. Making sure all the kids are ready and out the door with their homework done and their clothes on straight while you have a two year old that loves to scream for no reason? I can't ask you to take that on."

"But we're a family. That's the kind of stuff families do for each other."

"Do you have something against the kids being with Mac and Jo?"

"No, not at all. I just would have liked it if you would have asked."

"I'm sorry."

Austin stayed quiet, a slight frown on her face.

"I love you Austin. A lot. Really, I swear."

"I know. I've just been ticked off since she mentioned it."

"I was going to tell you tonight. Believe me, I would feel bad if you left your kids with someone other than me too."

"Well I guess as long as you understand how I feel I can't be mad. Can we at least nab them for the weekend then?"

"If you want to take that on, go for it. I'm sure the kids will be happy about it."

"Have you guys decided what you're doing yet?"

"I hope so, we already booked everything."

"Who was being indecisive, you or him?"

"It was me. I just kept thinking that we may not ever get to do a big trip, just the two of us and I had to pick something really good. But everything I thought of was just not very us, you know?"

"Yeah, I was wondering what had gotten into you when you were looking at hotels in Hawaii."

"I was just trying to entertain every possibility. We thought about Canada, but we're both too lazy to get our passports renewed. Thought about Alaska, but we went there on our honeymoon."

"So where did you decide?"

"Oregon coast. We've both been there but never together. It's a place we both love and his parents timeshare has a resort there that we can stay at for really cheap. And that's all I know so far because he's planning everything else."

"Okay but you're going in October and doesn't it rain in Oregon like all the time?"

"No. It rains a lot but it mostly mists."

"You're going to be really cold the entire time."

"Then we just won't leave the hotel room."

"You're gross."

Lindsay shrugged and inspected a throw pillow, noticing a stain on it that she was sure came from Ben. He was the only one that liked grape popsicles.

"I'm sure you guys will have fun either way, but are you sure you can leave the kids for that long?"

"I think I'll be a wreck for most of it, but if they're okay, I'll be fine."

"You guys deserve a trip. The last one wasn't exactly the most pleasurable experience in the world."

"What, you mean the Outer Banks? It was a good trip. I just wish we could have all taken it as a vacation rather than an escape from what had just happened."

"We all needed it, but it would be nice if all the memories were good."

"That's true. Of course, we could always do a big family vacation again."

"What are you two concocting?" Danny asked warily, seeing the looks on their faces.

"Something you'll hate of course. It can't be much worse than the stuff you two come up with."

"Probably not."

"Look at these white bullets what we finded in the bathroom!" Ben shouted, jumping down the last stairs and holding up the cardboard box. Lindsay's face immediately turned red again.

"Ben where did you find that?"

"In the drawer in the bathroom. There was these special bullets and these other neato stickers things!"

Austin had burst into giggles again and it only got worse as Avery came down the stairs with the "neato stickers" stuck all over her body.

"I used them to make sissy into a great warrior. See, it's her armor! Where can we get more of this fun stuff?"

"It's a rare commodity," Adam sighed, standing up and taking the box from Ben. "You can only use it once a month, and it makes mama cranky every time she uses it."

"Well why is that? They're great toys!"

Avery continued to pose and growl like she was a warrior then screamed her head off when Adam tried to remove her armor.

"No, daddy mine!"

"Honey-"

"MINE!"

She tore out of his arms and back up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door.

"Do you really gotta take these toys away?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. I will just go find more stuff to put the Mr. Yuck stickers on. Maybe Dunner will help. Hey Dunner!"

He scrambled up the stairs and Lindsay gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Babe, remember when we moved in and you said in a few years we were going to have to build another bathroom because there's no way five people can share one? Well that time is now. Google contractors because I am not letting that happen again."

"Yes ma'am."

"And go close our bedroom door. I can just see Ben coming downstairs declaring that these special balloons are great!"

"Point taken," Adam muttered, going upstairs.

"So it's probably a good thing that Flack and Jess couldn't make it tonight, huh?" Austin laughed. "You would have thrown up from embarrassment."

"I'm feeling a little nauseous anyway, now that you mention it."

"I'm sure our kids will embarrass us at some point too," Danny said, trying to make her feel better. "Or at least we could make up a good story about it."

"I think you two embarrass yourselves enough."

"She's got us there."

* * *

"One more week of school and then we will have a kindergartener and a third grader."

"Adam stop. We're not old enough to have a third grader."

"I am. As you well know, I am about to have my twelfth twenty-ninth birthday."

"Oh honey," she yawned, dropping her head to his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too. Ready for bed?"

"Yeah. Help me up?"

"You get lazy when you're tired," he chuckled, turning the TV off and standing up to take her hands.

"Probably. But you adore me no matter what my faults are."

"Yes I do."

They went upstairs and peeked in on the kids who were all snoring, arms thrown over their heads in deep sleep. Lindsay tiptoed over and kissed Colton's cheek, smoothing his hair back from his face and reminding herself to take him for a haircut soon. Making sure his blankets were around him, she moved over to Ben, gently moving his arms down because he always complained that his armpits hurt in the morning "for having them up all night." He muttered something in his sleep and she kissed his cheek softly. He sleepily reached his arms up and hugged her, pulling her down to him.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Benjamin. Even when you embarrass me."

He grinned in his sleep and she kissed him again before standing up and straightening his blankets, then making her way across the hall to check Avery while Adam came out of Avery's room on his way to check the boys.

"Do you think they remember that we check on them at night?"

"I doubt it. Did you tuck her back in?"

"She growled at me just like her mother."

Lindsay smiled and went into Avery's room, picking up her scattered toys and clothes and putting them on the rocking chair to be put away in the morning. The baby was sleeping in the most uncomfortable position that she could possibly achieve and Lindsay chuckled, being as careful as she could when she moved her.

"Mama," she whispered, her eyes still closed.

"Shh. Go to sleep love."

Avery stretched and rubbed her eyes, then reached for Lindsay's hand.

"Night."

"Night-night baby."

She slipped from the room and went upstairs where Adam was already pulling the covers back on the bed and throwing the extra pillows on the floor.

"Why do you insist on making a mess of the pillows instead of putting them on the window seat where they go?"

"To prove that I would be lost if you ever left me."

She giggled and tackled him onto the bed, kissing him over and over while they both laughed.

"What was that for babe?"

"Because I adore you," she answered, rolling off of him to stare at the ceiling. "And sometimes I think you should be forcefully reminded of that."

"It's a good thing you're not a linebacker."

She snickered and toed her shoes off, letting them fall to the floor.

"Were you serious about a new bathroom?" he asked after a moment, bracing himself for the answer.

"Yes. You promised me one when we moved in."

"I know but I meant when the kids were older and spent hours in the bathroom."

"Yeah, well I meant whenever I wanted it."

"Well…"

"What do I have to do to get myself into a new bathroom today?" she asked, rolling over and looking down at him.

"We're going to have to figure out how much it will cost and where we're going to get the money. Because I can bet we're going to run into one problem or another."

She wrinkled her nose and flopped back onto the bed, dissatisfied.

"Hey."

"What?"

"We'll figure it out. We don't need it, you just want it."

"I know. But I already picked out paint colors."

"Linds!"

"Okay, I can deal with someday. It's fine. I'm not pouting."

"Good. Now you wanna go back to talking about what you can do to convince me?"

"Nope."

She stood from the bed and changed her clothes while he unashamedly watched her with a smirk on his face.

"You know back when we first got married it used to bug you when I watched you change clothes."

"Yeah, but my irritation never stopped you so I just figured it was a lost battle."

"All I have to do to get you to do what I want is be persistent?"

"I guess," she shrugged, putting the pillows onto the window seat and climbing into bed.

"So in that case, do you wanna-"

"I'm too tired, persistence ain't gonna work on that one buddy."

"Well fine."

She smiled as he climbed into bed next to her and tucked her into his arms.

"Hey, I love you anyway."

"I love you too, dearlin'. Now I'm going to go to sleep so I don't have to look at you anymore."

"Wake me up early and stop pouting about it."

"If you can pout about the bathroom, I can pout about this."

A short silence passed where they just stared at each other before laughing.

"Goodnight Linds."

"Night."


	239. Chapter 239

Colton yawned and pulled the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head and watched the windshield wipers brush the rain away from the front window. The car bumped along the road and he yawned again, wondering why he had to get up so early for this.

"Daddy where are we going again?"

"To the hardware store, remember?"

"Why so early?"

"Because it's a guy thing. Drink your coffee, it will put some hair in your chest."

"I don't want hair on my chest, I want to go back to bed."

Adam chuckled and handed him the commuter mug of coffee as he slowed the car for a red light.

"I'm glad we get to spend the day together, daddy. But I was not planning on getting up at the crack of dawn."

"Yeah, I thought you could handle being thrown for a loop. You got the list?"

"Yep. I bet you're glad you brought me. Ben would have lost the list then cried all day."

"Son, I think you've nailed it."

"That's fitting because we need a ton of nails."

Adam laughed and shook his head, parking the car at the hardware store.

"You are just like your mama sometimes."

"I know."

They got out of the car and headed up to the hardware store together, hand in hand. They were gathering all the supplies needed to build a tree fort in the backyard. Mac was going to help them and they'd already bought all the lumber, but they still needed a lot of other things. They wouldn't be able to build it until later in the summer, but Adam wanted to spend some time with each of the kids before he left for DC, and this seemed like a good activity for them to do together.

They wandered the aisles for awhile, looking at different things and talking about what they could be used for before they finally got everything on their list. Colton helped to put everything on the conveyor belt, then watch closely to make sure everything rang up at the correct prices. He dutifully carried the bag out to the car and took a swig of the lukewarm coffee once they got in.

"Ready for some breakfast?"

"Sure! I bet I could eat more than you daddy."

"You might be able to since you hollowed out your leg."

Colton chuckled and leaned against his window, hoping he could get hot chocolate with his breakfast.

"So how are you doin' buddy?"

"I'm doing good. I've had a few scary dreams but mama says that's okay and I don't need to worry. But I don't think about it very much."

"You remember that it's okay to talk to me and mama about it, right?"

"Yeah I know. Mostly I never have much to say."

"That's alright."

"Daddy, was there ever a time when your dad was nice to you? Even just one time?"

Adam sighed and kept his eyes on the road while he thought, genuinely trying to come up with a time when his father hadn't seemed to hate him. Just one moment that he could make into something more.

"I can't remember a time. Maybe there was one but I can't think of it."

"That's sad. But I'm the opposite. I can't remember a time when you were a bad daddy!"

"I'm sure I've made mistakes."

"Maybe but I don't remember them. Can I have hot chocolate with my breakfast?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

Adam glanced across the table and looked at his son in a new kind of wonderment, finding him as a kindred spirit, a little companion, a buddy. He wasn't a little boy anymore but he was still their son and would not be treated like a friend. But that didn't mean there wasn't fun to be had and discussions to take place. That didn't mean he couldn't enjoy every second with his son.

"Daddy, do you think we could get another cat since Chewbacca ran away?" Colton asked, stabbing a piece of pancake.

"You really think mama wants another cat?"

"Well me and Ben and Aves do. So if you want another one, then four outvote one right?"

"I think we should just wait and see, okay?"

"But Qwerty is so lonely. Him and Chewy were best friends."

"I know that. We'll talk to mama and see okay?"

"I wish Chewy didn't run away. I don't understand why he did. We give him the best food and play with him a lot."

"Well, sometimes when cats get old, they run away because… um…"

"They want to die in private?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I guess if that's what he wanted to then that's okay. Besides, maybe you're wrong and he just went on an adventure."

"Maybe so."

"What are we going to do after this?"

"I don't know. What do you want to do?"

"Well, I need a haircut."

"You want your hair cut or just trimmed?" Adam asked skeptically, knowing how attached Colton was to his shaggy hairstyle.

"I think it's time for a real haircut. More like yours daddy. So it looks better."

"Are you sure you want that?"

"Yes. I look too much like a little messy kid. I'd like to look a little more put together."

"Oh you would?"

"Girls don't like boys that look shaggy."

"Oh so you like girls huh?"

"They're pretty. And soft."

"Soft? You been testing out that theory?"

"Well when I hug Isa and Sarah… they're just kind of softish."

Adam laughed and made a mental note to share that little tidbit with Lindsay later.

"Well I guess you're right about that, girls are kind of soft. Why do you care what they think though?"

"Because one day I will marry one of them. And girls have secrets. So the girls I know now might tell the secret to my wife that I used to be shaggy. Then she won't kiss me and then how am I supposed to get a job?"

"Bud, you sure worry about a lot of things, don't you?"

"Well life is important."

"I don't want you to get yourself all worked up about things that don't matter much right now. I want you to still have fun and be a kid."

"I know," Colton said softly, dropping his head. "I try to be a silly kid a lot of the time. But daddy, I think I was born older than I am. I think I am the oldest kid for a reason and I need to be someone the other kids look up to. You know what I mean?"

"Buddy, come over here."

Colton slid off of his chair and went around the table, crawling up into Adam's lap.

"Son, I want you know that I am really, really proud of you. You are such a good kid and you always do what's right, even when it's hard. But I also want you to know that you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. I know we give you a lot of responsibilities because you can handle them, but I want you to know that you're allowed to let go a little too. It's good for you to want to be a good example, but it's also okay to make mistakes because you learn from them."

"I know that daddy."

"Do you feel pressure on you to be a certain way?"

"I don't know. I just know that I want to be good. I want to be wise. I want to be helpful. I want to be… I want to be like you daddy."

Adam didn't say anything for a moment, just hugged his son tightly.

"Colton Matthew Ross, you are already a much better man than I am. I am so proud of you son. And I want to make it clear that I am not just proud of the things you do, I am even more proud of the man you are and the heart you have."

"I'm most proud of me for that too."

"Now, I think if you go ahead and finish your breakfast, we can go get you that haircut."

"Hey daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"When you're gone, will I be the man of the house?"

"Kind of."

"You got any special jobs for me to do?"

"You just be a good boy and help your mama out. And remember that you can call me if you need me."

"I'll remember. I wish you weren't going, daddy. I'll miss you so much."

"I'm going to miss you too. But it's going to be a lot better when I get home. We just have to remember that part, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks for havin' this talk with me daddy."

"Anytime, buddy."

* * *

"Daddy after you teach me to ride a two wheeler, could you teach me how to pop a wheelie?" Ben asked excitedly, pedaling his bike to the playground while the training wheels thunked against the pavement. "I'd really much like to do that, so I could be sporty like Dunner!"

"What do you mean sporty like Junior?"

"You know how he does sports? Well I think poppin' a wheelie would be a radical extreme sport, you know?"

"Ben, you're hilarious."

"I know that already. C'mon slowpoke, before all the sidewalk is taked!"

Adam quickened his steps as they made it to the park, finding it almost deserted because of the overcast weather.

"Alright buddy. Park your bike here so I can take the training wheels off."

"This is a big moment for me," Ben said with a small sigh. "I can't never go back to the safety of trainin' wheels. How come you only taked one off?"

"Because this is the first phase. You get used to being a little wobbly and you learn how to balance without falling off so much."

"Wait just a minute daddy. I might fall off this?"

"Maybe, but I'm going to help you so maybe you won't."

"I'm scared."

"Don't be scared. Just get on the bike and I'll hold you steady okay?"

"Well…"

"Ben, do you trust me?"

"Yes daddy."

"Hop on the bike and let's go for it."

Ben hesitated for a moment then grabbed the handles of the bike and climbed on determinedly.

"Okay daddy, let's move."

"Alright, you start pedaling and I will hold on to the back of your bike. When you're ready I'll let go."

"Okay daddy. Is my helmet all secure?"

"It's good. Ready?"

"Here we go!"

Ben started pedaling and Adam jogged to keep up as they went over the sidewalk. Ben pedaled faster and faster, obviously gaining confidence with every yard.

"Let go daddy! I can do it."

Carefully, Adam let go of the bike and stood still, watching his son ride on his own. He wobbled back and forth and let out a loud shriek before righting himself and continuing on his way. Ben was quite obviously proud of himself, but Adam's stomach jerked when he started to turn the bike, intending to come back to where he had started.

"No buddy don't turn!"

The bike tipped and Ben spilled to the ground, his helmet thumping against the ground.

"Ow! Daddy help! I died!"

Adam ran over and lifted the bike off of him while Ben hollered and screamed as if he had been the victim of a massacre.

"Buddy, you're just fine."

"I'm bleedin' all my blood out!"

"No you're not. You have one scrape and it's not even bleeding."

"Well in that case, let's try that again! I wanna be ridin' before lunchtime!"

Ben popped up from the ground and stood his bike up, then adjusted his helmet.

"C'mon daddy, let's go."

Adam helped him to get started, then watched him ride away, making a hesitant but more successful turn this time.

"I done it! Daddy I done it all by my ownself! Did you see?"

"Yeah buddy, I saw."

"I'm gonna do this again and again and again until I am ready for the other wheel to come off. Here I go!"

He wobbled up and down the sidewalk for quite a while, learning how to balance his bike, how to turn and how to stop safely. He gained confidence with every pass, shouting out words of encouragement to himself.

"You can do this Ben! You is the goodest bike rider."

Adam chuckled as he watched him, wondering when he had turned into such a big kid instead of a little boy. Maybe it was just when he blinked.

"Daddy, I'm ready for no trainin' wheels. None at all. I wanna ride this with just two wheels. Okay?"

"Alright. Why don't you drink some water while I take this wheel off."

"Okay. I will sit and watch you so when I have a kid someday I will know how to do this."

Adam chuckled and grabbed the tools again, having a harder time taking this wheel off because it was rusted. He rapped his knuckles and grunted in pain while Ben raised his eyebrow.

"Don't do a swear, daddy. You know how much mama gets upset when you say that one swear."

"Yeah, I know. But would you believe that's your mama's favorite swear too?"

"Mama doesn't swear. She says stuff like balderdash."

"You'll find out a little differently when you get older."

"I like learning stuff from you daddy."

"Even when it's stuff like that?"

"Yep. Mama says that when someone teaches you something, they're sharin' a bit of theirselves with you."

"That's true."

"Daddy, who teached you to ride a bike?"

"My aunt Abby did, when I was about your age."

"Was it special to you?"

"Yeah, it was very special. It is one of my best memories from when I was a kid."

"That's cool daddy."

"All ready for you bud. I'm going to go back to holding onto the bike for a bit, okay?"

"That will be safer. Whoa, this is a lot more hard!"

"Yeah, you have to learn to balance the bike yourself."

"This is scary, I can't do it! Put a wheel back on!"

"Nope, you have to do it now. You're a big boy and it just takes some practice, alright?"

"Don't let go of me, daddy. Please?"

"I won't let go until you're good and ready."

Ben took a deep breath and nodded his head before he started pedaling.

"I'm scared, I'm scared!"

"I've got you, Ben. You won't fall."

"I'm wobbling!"

"You just pedal that bike and trust me."

"No, I gotta stop."

He put on the brakes and sniffled, wiping at his eyes.

"I'm afraid."

"It's okay to be afraid son."

"I don't wanna take this risk."

"Okay. You don't have to. We can go home."

"But wait! I can't quit!"

"What's bigger? Your fear, or how much you want to learn this?"

"I want to learn it more than I am afraid! You promise you will hold on?"

"I will hold on Ben. I promise."

"Okay daddy, here we go."

They took off again and Ben whimpered a little as they went, but was holding the bike pretty steady himself without help.

"You're doing a great job Ben."

"I don't feel like it."

"That's okay. We'll keep practicing."

Up and down the sidewalk they went, over and over again until Adam was sure he was going to collapse due to exhaustion.

"Buddy, can we take a break?"

"If I quit now, they win!"

"Who wins?"

"Them!"

"Then I think it's time for you to go ahead without me."

"I think it's time too. Just help me steady?"

"Okay. You ready?"

"I'm ready! I'll start going, then let me go!"

Adam obeyed and watched with pride as Ben pedaled away down the sidewalk all on his own.

"Look at me daddy! I am doing it! I am riding a two wheeler!"

He laughed in excitement and carefully turned around at the end of the sidewalk, the smile stretching from one side of his face to the other.

"Daddy, here I come!"

"Ben, you're doing such a good job!"

"Are you proud of me daddy?"

"Yes. I am very proud that you didn't quit and you stuck to it."

"This is fun! I'm going to keep going!"

He pedaled away again, whooping in delight while Adam sat down against the tree, keeping one eye on Ben as he dialed his phone.

"Hey, how's bike riding?" Lindsay greeted on the other end.

"He's off on two wheels all on his own."

"My little baby. Is he excited?"

"He's ecstatic."

"And you sound very not ecstatic."

"I don't want to go to DC for a month. I'm going to miss way too much."

"Honey…"

"I can't do it, Linds. Could you be away from the kids for a month?"

"No, I couldn't."

"It's too late to back out now."

"You leave day after tomorrow."

"I kept telling myself that I would be okay, you know? And now that it's almost here, I just keep thinking about everything that I'm going to be missing. Avery's crazy hair and stinky diapers in the morning and how she always crawls into bed with us. The funny things Ben says when he's not trying to be funny, and how he tips his head to the side when he's making a point. Talking to Colton at the end of the day because I swear he's the smartest person I've ever known. And you… I don't know how I'm going to survive without you."

"We'll still talk. We can Skype every night. I know it's not the best but it's better than nothing."

"I know."

"We're going to miss you too honey. And don't worry, I'll write down all the funny things Ben says and if you want, I can send you a picture of Avery with her crazy morning hair."

"Yeah."

"I love you Adam. I'm glad you're doing this thing just to see what it's like. But I won't lie, it does suck."

He sighed and chuckled as Ben started singing to himself.

"Once it's over, I guess I never have to be away again."

"That's true."

"I should hang up, I'm supposed to be spending the day with our weirdest kid."

"Alright. I love you honey."

"I love you too."

* * *

"Daddy?"

"Avery?"

"I eat cupcakes?"

"Yeah, you can eat the cupcakes when we're done."

"They yummy?"

"I hope they will be. Don't stick your hand in the batter."

"Okay daddy."

He finished filling the pan with batter, then put it in the oven.

"Now, what would you like to do while those bake?"

"Play tea party," she decided with a nod, brushing her hair out of her eyes. "C'mon."

He helped her off the counter and she pulled him upstairs then directed him to sit on the floor by the table. She stood in her closet and clucked her tongue, obviously deep in thought.

"Okay. This daddy hat. This Avery hat."

She pulled two floppy straw hats out of the closet, handing him the pink one while she took the plain for herself.

"Like my hat?"

"Love it."

"Daddy want tea? Coffee?"

"I'd like some tea. Do you need help making it?"

"Nope."

He snickered as she bustled around the kitchen, stopping to grab the phone.

"Hello butthead," she greeted, holding the phone between her cheek and shoulder. Adam burst into laughter and Avery gave him a half grin, covering the mouthpiece with her hand.

"That how mama say," she explained with a little nod. "Au'tin on phone."

"Oh, gotcha."

She went back to her conversation and tea making and in a few minutes he was presented with an empty pink cup.

"Au'tin having bad day," Avery reported, sitting down across from him. "Flack beed mean."

"Flack was mean?"

"Yep. Teasin'. How you, daddy?"

"I'm doing pretty well. I've got a big trip coming up, but I really don't want to go."

"Oh dear. You come home?"

"After a while I will."

"It okay. How the family?"

"Oh I think the family is fine. I've got a silly little girl named Avery that's a lot of fun."

"Yes, Avery is. More tea?"

"I would love some. How are you doing?"

"I well. Busy. Makin' tea an' pancakes. Ben eat lots."

"Your brother sure does like your cooking."

"Yes. Kitty runned away. I sad."

"I know you are."

"I have this kitty," she said clearly, pulling the stuffed animal off of her bed. "Whiskers."

"What a funny name for a kitty."

"An' this dolly. It old. Was mama's. Shelby."

"Do you like that doll?"

"My friend. Oh an' this! Lion. Mac an' Jo-Jo gived."

"That's right."

She smiled and put the toys back on her bed, then turned around and refilled his tea again.

"Where mama, boys?"

"They went to the store to get some summer clothes."

"Oh. Avery?"

"You got clothes with mama the other day."

"Oh! I show! Avery have dressie!"

She ran into the closet and pulled a dress off the hanger, holding it up to herself and giggling.

"Most beautiful. It on?"

"No, you've changed your clothes twice already today. Maybe you can wear that tomorrow."

"Okay daddy. Read me book?"

"I would love to. Got one picked out?"

She shook her head and walked over to her bookcase, squatting down in front of it and examining each book one by one.

"You find your book and I'll go take the cupcakes out of the oven, okay?"

She nodded distractedly, her eyes scanning over all of the colorful books, wondering which one daddy would like the best. It took her quite a while, but she finally chose one, handing it to Adam when he came back into the room. She hopped up on her bed and smiled when he joined her, cracking the book open.

"Like this," she yawned. "Fun with daddy."

"Fun with Avery," he replied, starting on the first page.

"Daddy?"

"Yes dear?"

"Love you most."

"I love you too Averylin."

"Daddy come home," she said with a little nod. "Home to us."


	240. Chapter 240

A/N: Holy poo, chapter 240? Insanity! This story must be my therapy or something, considering I often start writing new chapters well after midnight when I have to be up at six. Or something like that.

* * *

"Boys, time to wake up," Lindsay said softly, opening their shades. Neither one of them moved, as it was much earlier than they were used to getting up. Gently, she shook Colton, knowing that he would be much grumpier than Ben.

"Baby, gotta get up."

"No!" he grunted, rolling over and covering his ears.

"Colton, we have to take daddy to the airport."

"No I don't want to! Leave me alone, I'm sleepy!"

"Geez, is this really how I am when someone wakes me up?"

"Yes, it's exactly how you are," Adam said from the doorway, giving her a small smile. "Should we double team him?"

She gave a nod and they sat on either side of him hugging and kissing him until he sat up in order to get away.

"You guys are not nice alarm clocks," he grumped, rubbing his eyes. "I hate getting up early."

"We do too."

He slid out of bed and headed for Ben, shaking his shoulder.

"Ben, wake up."

"Oh hey Cole! What's up?"

"You annoy me when you wake up happy like that."

"I can't help it! It's a new day and miracles could happen, like gettin' McDonalds for lunch. You just gotta believe, Cole!"

Colton rolled his eyes but Ben wasn't phased, jumping out of his bed and adjusting his shirt.

"Why is it so dark out?"

"Because the sun is still trying to come up."

"Why are we awake?"

"To take daddy to the airport," Colton grumbled, crossing his arms. "Even if we don't want him to go."

He stomped out of the room and woke Avery up less than delicately, causing her to holler in excitement and run into the boys room.

"Coley mean. Wake me up! I mad."

"That's okay, we needed to get you up."

"Oh. Breakfast?"

"We're going out for breakfast. Let's go get dressed."

Lindsay took Avery into the other room to dress her while Adam helped the boys to pick out clothes. Ben chose several costumes and clothes that didn't fit, and Colton grumbled the entire time, but soon they were dressed and had their hair combed and teeth brushed.

"Girls are you ready?"

"Yep!" Avery answered, dashing out into the hallway, her pigtails bouncing on her shoulders. "I hungry!"

Adam laughed and swung her up into his arms, making his way down the stairs with Ben chattering excitedly behind him. Colton stayed sitting in his doorway, staring at his hands.

"Honey, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked, crouching down next to him.

"I don't want daddy to leave!"

"I know. I don't want him to leave either."

"But why does he have to? Aren't there other teachers in the world?"

"Yes there are. But this college asked daddy because they thought he would be the best at it, and he feels like it would be a good thing to do."

"Why?"

"Because he will be teaching people how to solve crimes like he does. That means there will be more people working for the good guys. And we can miss daddy for a little bit for that, can't we?"

"Well yeah. But it just makes me really sad to think about him being so far away."

"I know. Listen though, bud. You and I are going to have to be a team on this one. We've got to be brave today. It will be easier on daddy if we're in good moods. And later when Ben and Avery are asleep you and I can be as grumpy and grouchy together as we want to be. Is it a deal?"

"Yep! Plus, if I spend all day being happy, I might not feel like being grumpy and grouchy later."

"So I guess if we're not grumpy and grouchy, you'll just have to share some ice-cream with me."

He laughed and sat up, wrapping his arms around her neck.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Colton. Come on, we'd better go. Avery's pretty excited about breakfast."

"She's always excited about food. And Ben is just always excited. Where did we get these kids?"

She laughed as they went down the stairs and outside, joining the rest of the family in the car.

* * *

"Averylin Grace!"

"What mama?"

"You do not throw jelly across the table!"

"Sissy didn't throw it _across_ the table! It splatted in the middle."

"Benjamin, you're not helping."

Ben made a scared face, then went back to eating his pancakes, while Lindsay cleaned Avery's hands.

"There, now can you have some manners?"

"Oh manners? Okay!"

Very daintily, she picked up her cup of juice and sipped at it, sighing softly and smiling. Lindsay rolled her eyes and returned to her breakfast, her appetite basically gone anyway.

"We should probably leave in a few minutes," Adam whispered, leaning over so the kids wouldn't hear.

"Yeah, okay."

He pulled her close and kissed her softly, ignoring the tears that came to her eyes because he knew that mentioning them would only make it worse.

"I'm done eating and that was the best breakfast ever!" Colton announced, wiping his face. He was going a little overboard with the being happy thing, and even Ben could tell it was an act.

"I'm done too! But does that mean it's time to take daddy to the airport?"

"Yeah, it's about time to go. Why don't you boys go into the bathroom and wash your hands before we leave."

They agreed and dashed off across the small restaurant into the bathroom while Lindsay cleaned Avery up yet again and took her out of the highchair.

"Mama?"

"Hmm?"

"No sad. We play. At park?"

"Not at the park today sweetie, it's fixin' to rain. But maybe we can find something fun inside."

"Okay mama."

Avery patted her face gently, having no understanding that her daddy was about to leave for four weeks. Had she been able to understand she would have been a sobbing mess on the floor, so it was probably better this way. They had talked about it a lot, preparing the kids for what would be a temporary but big change, and no matter how normal it had become, Avery still didn't really comprehend time and distance and basically thought daddy would be home by morning.

"Alright, lets go," Adam said as the boys came out of the bathroom, in a heated discussion over something. They all went out to the car, getting inside and buckled just before the rain started.

"But Cole, I was there first!"

"I know but I am taller so I could put my hands higher under the air blower and you could put yours under mine! That's what I was sayin'."

"But then I wouldn't get no air for it would be all taked up by your hands!"

"But I was leaving a gap, Ben! Why don't you listen to me?"

"I do listen, you just are wrong!"

"I am not wrong!"

"You are too and you gots big wet hands!"

"Ben you're rude and you're little!"

"You're mean and stinky!"

"I am not! I wasn't the one that tooted in the bathroom!"

"You said you wouldn't tell no one!"

"Well the old man in there heard too!"

"You're a rotten promise keeper Cole Matthew Ross!"

"Okay that's enough!" Lindsay said loud enough to be heard over the bickering. "No talking for five minutes."

The kids fell into stunned silence and Lindsay crossed her arms over her chest and put her feet on the dashboard. Adam reached over and fumbled for her hand until he found it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Babe, take a breath."

"This isn't a good day, okay?"

"I know."

He didn't press the issue further, just drove on, glancing in the rearview mirror at the boys who seemed to have forgotten their argument, as Ben had his head on Colton's shoulder. Avery was watching them closely as if sensing that something wasn't right, her forehead creased. If Adam hadn't been feeling awful about leaving them already, this was doing it.

"I like the look of that car," Ben said suddenly, then clapped his hand over his mouth.

"What did you say sweetie?"

"I said that I like the look of that car."

"You do?"

"Yeah!" he said, brightening up and pointing to the silver car in the next lane. "I could see myself drivin' a car like that someday. With a kid in the back what looks like me!"

"You think you'll have a son?"

"Yep, I will. Because I am gonna be a dad."

"What are you going to name that son?" Colton asked, very interested in the answer.

"Scotty Blake Ross."

"Will you have a girl too?" Lindsay asked, turning around to look at him.

"Yes. Her name will be Pinkie."

"But Ben, Pinkie is a nickname," Colton said gently. "She has to have a real name and you can just call her Pinkie."

"Oh. Then her real name will be Pinkitrude."

"Pinkitrude?" everyone asked, not sure they'd heard right. Even Avery had her eyebrow up skeptically.

"Yes, Pinkitrude."

"Well are you going to have a wife then?"

"I guess if I gotta. Girls is trouble and I don't want to work for one."

Adam burst into laughter loud enough that Lindsay reached over and smacked his arm.

"What? He's a very observant kid!"

"I swear."

"So what do you think you'll do for work Ben?"

"I think I will do somethin' what helps people and makes lots of money. Like maybe I will be a garbage person. Because you help lots and lots of people every day and that's lots of money. Plus I wish my chore was takin' out the trash instead of fillin' Qwerty's food and water."

"And what will you do for fun?"

"Play with Scotty Blake and Pinkie. And eat food."

"What will your wife be like?"

"Well if I gotta work for a girl, she will be the best one. She will be very pretty but mostly she will just be nice and polite and have lots of good ideas and he funny and be a good mama. Also I would like if she had long hair and pretty eyes."

"Sounds like you've got it all planned out."

"Yep. And now I know what car I will drive!"

They were all in slightly better spirits when they arrived at the airport and although none of them wanted to go in, they felt like everything was going to be okay.

"I will pull your suitcase daddy," Colton offered, holding his hand out. "Then you can put Ben on your shoulders and hold mama's hand."

"Thanks buddy."

They made their way into the airport and to the ticket line, Avery exclaiming loudly the entire time about all the things she saw.

"Sweetie, indoor voice please."

"Mama, see that?"

"It's a picture of a waterfall."

"So pretty!"

"Daddy can we come visit you in that DC place?"

"I wish you could Ben. But it's too much money for you all to fly down there and I won't be able to spend that much time with you. But I promise that we can Skype every day, alright?"

"Will you send us pictures of where you're staying?"

"Sure, I can do that."

"Well okay. Look it's our turn! Hi lady, I am Benjamin and this is my daddy! He's going on a trip!"

Once they got the ticket sorted out and the suitcase tagged, they headed off to the security checkpoint where they would have to say goodbye.

"Avery, you be a good girl, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

"Can you try and use the potty while I'm gone? No more diapers when I get back?"

"I see. Love you daddy. Safe."

"I'll be safe honey."

He gave her one last hug and kiss, then set her down and picked Ben up.

"Daddy I will miss you so so so much! I will miss wrestling with you and playing stuff and I will miss it when you give me real strong hugs."

"I'm going to miss all of that too buddy."

"I love you a lot daddy. I am proud of you for helpin' people learn important stuff. I will be so happy when you come home."

"I will be too. Be a good boy and help your mama and your sister."

"I will daddy."

Colton hung back a little, his eyes filling with tears and not wanting to say goodbye.

"Hey son, c'mere."

He sniffled and walked over hesitantly, trying to be brave despite how bad his tummy felt.

"Time is going to fly by and before you know it, I'll be home again."

"I don't want you to leave!"

"I know."

"It's okay because you are doing good. But I will miss you a lot."

"I'll miss you too, son. You remember all we've talked about okay?"

"I will. I'll help mama and be a good kid and make you proud."

"Thank you. I feel a lot better leaving knowing you're going to be helping out."

"I love you so much daddy."

"I love you too Colton. More than you know."

"You'd better start sayin' bye to mama, it's gonna take you forever."

Adam chuckled and stood up, pulling Lindsay into his arms and holding her tightly while the kids hugged their legs.

"It's going to be okay honey."

"I know. Just not easy."

"I'll call you as soon as I get there."

"You'd better."

"I love you. And I'm going to miss you so much."

"I miss you already."

He kissed her tenderly, making it last as long as he could, wishing away the tears and wanting to transport them somewhere else.

"I gotta go."

"I know."

He didn't know what else to say so he hugged her tightly and kissed her again, then bid the kids goodbye and headed for the security checkpoint. Giving them a final wave, he disappeared behind the barrier where they couldn't see him anymore.

"Daddy airplane?"

"Yes, he's going on an airplane."

"Oh. We go bye now?"

"Yeah, let's go. What do you boys want to do today?"

Ben and Colton both shrugged, holding hands as they followed her out of the airport.

"What if we all just have a lazy day and watch movies and eat popcorn all day long because we miss daddy?"

"Okay! Could we get back in our jammies too?"

"Sure buddy. That sounds like a great idea."

* * *

"Hey Lin. How you guys doing?"

"We're pretty blue."

"I'm sorry. Anything I can do?"

Lindsay sighed and pulled a throw pillow under her head, watching all three kids sleeping peacefully on the pull-out bed together. Avery was in the middle and both boys had their arms around her, something she normally hated, but today seemed to be different.

"No. Thanks for offering though."

"Go check your front porch."

"What?"

"Check your porch."

"Austin," she sighed, standing up and shuffling to the front door. "What did you do?"

"What best friends are supposed to do."

Lindsay opened the door and found a huge bouquet of bright wildflowers sitting there. She crouched down and inspected them, a wide grin spreading across her face as she read the card.

"I love you."

"I thought you could use something nice today."

"Thank you."

"You're going to be fine, Lin. And when you don't feel fine, you come complain to me okay?"

"I always do, don't I?" Lindsay chuckled, picking up the flowers and bringing them into the kitchen.

"Well, we're even. You guys want to come over for dinner tonight?"

"I think the kids would like that but I'm just so… I'm not feeling social tonight."

"That's okay. Want me to come over when the kids are in bed and we can eat ice-cream with hot fudge and watch _Footloose_ and sit under that big quilt and talk about Emilio Estevez and the best way to do a side ponytail?"

"I adore you, do you know that?"

"I know."

"Yeah come over. I have the stuff for that chocolate drink thing we gorged on that time."

"The one with marshmallows on top?"

"Yeah."

"Lin, we're gonna get so fat. I'm totally there. It's a date."

"Thanks Aust."

"Anytime. Let me know if you need anything else."

"Okay. I need to go throw the clothes in the dryer so I should let you go."

"Exactly the same here except I should really try and make a dent in the mountains of laundry we have instead of just buying more clothes."

"I am sure your checking account would agree."

"You're so sassy."

They hung up without saying goodbye and Lindsay spent a few minutes arranging the flowers in the vase before Avery came toddling into the kitchen, searching for food.

"Mama, where daddy?"

"He went bye, remember? We talked to him on the phone."

"Oh. Home later?"

"Much later sweetie. Do you need a snack?"

"Yes! Pineapple."

"I don't have any pineapple honey. How about a regular apple?"

"Oh okay."

"Can I share with you?"

"Yes."

Lindsay washed the apple and cut it into sections then lifted Avery onto the counter so she could eat it.

"Mama sit also. By Avery."

Lindsay grinned and hopped up onto the counter too, amazed by her ability to still do so. The two of them sat in silence for a while and were half finished with their apple when Avery suddenly spoke.

"Mama, I go A'tana."

"You want to go to Montana?"

"Yes! Yay!"

"When did anyone tell you about Montana?"

"Coley. Say farm an' cows. We go?"

"We can't go right now. Maybe next summer when you're a little bigger and then you and I can ride horses together. How about that?"

"Most happy! Daddy go?"

"Yeah, daddy could go with us. He likes it there even if he pretends not to."

"Oh."

"What else do you want to do with your life sweetie?"

"Eat sandwich. Tea party. Go night-night. Daddy home."

"That sounds like a good plan so far. Let's go check on your brothers."

Avery nodded and they went into the other room, finding both boys still snoozing and snoring while a Bugs Bunny cartoon played quietly. Avery sighed and looked around the room, then back up at Lindsay, her blue eyes full of tears.

"Mama?"

"Yes sweetie?"

"Want daddy."

"I know baby. So do I."


	241. Chapter 241

A/N: Sorry this has taken so long. Writer's block and all that.

* * *

"No, no, no, no!" Avery screamed at the top of her lungs, kicking her legs against the floor and beating the wall with her fists. "No dressed!"

"Averylin Grace you stand up right now and be a big girl."

"No! Daddy! Daddy!"

"Sissy, daddy is not here! Stop screamin', you're hurtin' mama's feelin's!"

"No! Want daddy! My daddy!"

The sobs wracked her body and she almost collided with the floor from the force of it. Her face was redder than her hair and there were tears streaming down her cheeks as if her world had just ended and she would never be the same.

"Avery, you need to stop right now," Lindsay said firmly, wondering for a brief moment if pleading would be better.

"No mama! Daddy! Want my daddy! Daddy now!"

Colton sighed and knelt down on the floor, rubbing Avery's back and speaking in an even voice.

"Aves, I know you miss daddy. I miss daddy a lot too. But he wants us to be happy while he is gone so him and mama don't feel so bad."

"Want daddy."

"Me too."

She sat up and sniffled, wiping at her eyes before crawling into his lap.

"My Coley," she whimpered, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Love you. Hold me."

"I will hold you if you let mama dress you. Is that okay?"

"It okay."

He used his shirt to wipe the tears from her eyes and she stood up, walking over to Lindsay and hugging her tightly.

"Sorry mama. I sad."

"I know. I think tonight you're going to go to bed early as punishment for throwing a fit, but I forgive you because I understand."

"Mama u'stand."

"Now, let's get dressed so we can leave."

"Where are we goin' mama?"

"Grocery shopping. If I can survive it," Lindsay muttered, getting Avery into her clothes.

"You'll survive mama," Ben assured, nodding his head. "C'mon sissy, let's go get our shoes and practice our store manners."

Avery giggled and followed Ben down the stairs while Colton stayed where he was, watching Lindsay clean up the few toys on Avery's floor.

"Mama… um… I didn't mean to try and be Aves' parent, you know? I just knew you were getting upset and I-"

"Colton, you didn't do anything wrong. You helped me a lot. That's what being a team is about. Thank you for doing that. Sometimes when she throws fits like that it makes me all agitated and it helps both of us if we have someone there to be calm."

"Okay. Life is just pretty rough without daddy."

"Yes it is."

"Did you talk to him today?"

"Just for a couple minutes this morning."

"Does he miss us?"

"He misses us very, very much."

"I can't wait for later when he calls us. That's my favorite part of the day."

"Mine too. Come on, let's go to the store and you can help me find something to make for dinner."

He grabbed her hand and they went downstairs finding Ben and Avery arguing, as usual. This was going to be an extremely long day.

* * *

"I don't like broccoli!" Ben whined, dropping his arms in despair. "It tastes like foots."

"Ben, you liked broccoli three days ago."

"But that was three days ago! People gotta change!"

If she hadn't already been so aggravated, she would have laughed but right now she could feel her body wanting to run out the door. She wasn't sure how other people did it, how they could be single parents and keep their sanity at the same time.

"Hey Ben maybe by the time mama makes the broccoli you will like it again."

"Don't talk reason to me Cole! I don't want the broccoli in the cart to be even touching me."

"Ben don't talk like that to mama!"

"No Coley! No be mean to Ben!"

"Aves, I am having a discussion with my brother about his behavior!"

"Cole, you are not sissy's daddy!"

"Ben no yell at Coley!"

Lindsay could feel herself wanting to burst into tears and have a melt-down in the middle of the produce aisle. She suddenly had no idea how to diffuse the situation and she started to panic, gripping the handle of the shopping cart so hard that her knuckles turned white. She could hardly breathe and she closed her eyes, counting to ten before she opened them again.

"I need you kids to stop talking right now," she said softly, trying not to burst into tears. "Just stop."

They all fell silent and looked up at her wondering what had gone wrong. Ben's bottom lip jutted out and he blinked several times while Avery whimpered and sighed.

"Mama?"

"Stay here by the cart. I need to call daddy."

She moved a few feet away where she could see them but they couldn't hear her and called Adam's phone, knowing she would start crying as soon as she heard his voicemail greeting but she needed to let him know what was going on because she felt incomplete if he didn't.

"Babe, what's going on?"

"I didn't think you would answer the phone."

"We took a break from the lecture. You don't sound good."

"I can't do this without you."

"Linds breathe. Tell me what's going on."

"They miss you so much. Avery had a tantrum this morning and then one again when we got to the grocery store and she wanted to be at the other store. Ben argues and whines and complains about everything and Colton's trying so hard to help me that he comes off as bossy and snippy with Ben and Avery so then they argue with him and it's so loud and I don't even know what to do."

"Where are you right now honey?"

"At the store still."

"Why don't you go ahead and buy what's in the cart, then head home, put them all down for naps, have a good cry and try shopping again later."

"Alright."

"I love you sweetie."

"I love you too. Thanks for talking me down."

"Anytime. I'll call you as soon as I'm done today alright?"

"Okay. Stay safe."

"You too babe."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay returned to the kids, not speaking a word as they headed for the check stand. The kids looked at her warily and exchanged glances with each other, unsure of how to proceed, but coming to the conclusion that staying quiet was going to be the best idea right now.

Once they had bought the groceries they headed outside to the car, the boys trying their best to be helpful while Avery sat quietly in the cart, staring at her hands. No one spoke a word until they were in the car, buckled into their seats.

"That in there just now was not good," Lindsay started, gripping the steering wheel tightly in her hands but not looking at them. "I know you guys miss daddy and so do I, but that was unacceptable. We're not going to survive if stuff like that keeps happening. When we get home you're all going to your rooms for some quiet time and I want you to think about how we're going to make this better. Okay?"

They all nodded, even Avery who didn't entirely understand what was going on.

"Alright. After today we won't talk about this again and we'll move on."

"Mama?"

"Yes Colton?"

"Would daddy be very disappointed in us kids?" he whispered, his eyes falling to his feet.

"I think he would be disappointed in all of us. Let's go home."

* * *

The next day started off much better and went downhill from there. The boys bickered at every turn, Avery threw fits and when Lindsay tried to discipline them, all three would burst into tears and wail about how much they missed Adam. Clearly, this wasn't working very well. By lunchtime she'd raised her voice so many times that her throat was sore, and the kids all had red-rimmed eyes due to dramatic tears. She had just broken up a fight between the boys, having to actually pull them off of each other, as their argument had turned into a wrestling match. Avery had been standing there screaming, but was now curled up on the couch, crying silent tears because Lindsay had snapped at her. And to think this was only day four of twenty eight.

"Just go to your rooms. Go and don't come out."

"But-"

"Go!"

Three sets of feet stomped up the stairs and two bedroom doors slammed but she couldn't be bothered to go up and deal with that behavior right now. Her hands were shaking with anger, not really even at the kids, just at the entire situation. She was mostly mad at herself for not being able to handle it, and there was a flicker of resentment at Adam for leaving them like this. She didn't like to admit it, but she didn't want him to go to DC any more than the kids did, even if she was trying to be supportive. And she couldn't tell him that because then he would feel guilty and be in a bad mood for weeks. She knew that being down there away from the family was extremely hard for him, but staying here wasn't exactly a walk in the park either.

She sat down on the couch and pulled the big quilt around herself, letting tears of frustration flow as she stared at the wall and tried to convince herself that three and a half more weeks was nothing. Of course her mind couldn't console itself and she started to calculate out the minutes and seconds, adding up how many meals she would eat without him, how many hours she would sleep alone, how many bedtime stories she would read to the kids without him sitting next to her, reading every other page.

She didn't even know how hard she was crying until there was a small knock and the front door opened. It wasn't a surprise to find Austin there; she'd taken up the habit of popping in every once in a while with some excuse or another, but Lindsay was almost certain that Adam had asked her to do it, though it was kind of freaky that she always seemed to show up at the right time.

"Oh Lin," she said, sitting down on the couch. "You really miss him, huh?"

"Everything is falling apart without him," Lindsay confessed, trying to catch her breath. "I can't do this without him and I just want him to come home."

"I know."

"Can't I just sleep through the next three weeks?"

"No, because then I would miss you too much."

Lindsay gave a short chuckle at that and wiped her eyes.

"You guys want to come over tonight? Danny's on graves. We could have a sleepover. The kids will be together and you and I can camp out on the pull-out bed and eat junk food and watch trash TV like we used to before we had kids."

"Okay."

"That's my girl. Come over at dinner time. The kids will be back from the grasp of Danny's mother by then."

"Where'd she take them?"

"Water park. They're going to be as tan as you are when they get back."

"Yeah, well I can't help it."

"Everything is going to be okay. I know it sucks right now and it probably won't stop sucking until it's over, but at least it will be over."

"I know. It's an adjustment and it's really hard."

"Yeah, but you can do it."

"I can try. I should go upstairs and talk to those children of mine and try to remind myself why I love them."

"Okay. Come over around dinner time."

"We'll be there."

Austin hugged her tightly for a moment, then got up and left the house, as simply as she'd come. Lindsay stayed put on the couch for a little while, trying to figure out what she wanted to do about the kids. She wanted to yell and scream and tell them how upset she was about what they were doing, but at the same time she understood how upset and sad they were and that the rebellion and fighting was the only way they knew how to express it.

Standing up from the couch she went upstairs and into Avery's room first, finding her little girl quietly crying on her bed. Guilt washed over her and she perched on the side of the bed, leaning over and brushing Avery's hair back from her face.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry I had a short temper with you."

"Mama yell."

"Yes I did yell. But what do you think you were doing wrong?"

"Avery screamin'. Not nice."

"No it's not."

"Sorry mama."

"I'm sorry too. I am going to do my best not to yell when I get frustrated."

"Avery not scream mean. Try."

"Thank you honey. Now come here and let me snuggle you for a minute. I'm tired of being upset."

Avery smiled and crawled into Lindsay's lap, sighing softly and rubbing at her eyes.

"How are you feeling sweetie?"

"I sad."

"It's been a rough few days, huh?"

"Yes."

"You want to go see Austin and the kids tonight?"

"Yes! I play Sarah! We do colors."

"You like to color with Sarah?"

"Oh yes, so most."

"Good. Maybe that will make you not so sad anymore."

"Yes, it do."

"Should we go talk to the boys? I'm sure they're sad too."

"Okay mama."

They went across the hall to the boys room, finding them both sitting on their beds with books.

"Boys sad?" Avery asked, climbing up onto Ben's bed. "No sad. We go Messers!"

"We're going to the Messers?" Colton asked, raising an eyebrow. "Even after how we behaved?"

"Yes. I don't want you to think your behavior was okay, but I think we'll all feel better getting out of the house for the night."

"The whole night? Like a sleep over?'

"Yes."

The boys would have whooped and hollered if they weren't so blue to begin with, but the smiles on their faces said enough. Everyone felt a little lighter and happier at the prospect of getting out of the house and spending time with their best friends.

"We need to talk about what happened today. I know you guys miss daddy. I know you're mad that he has to be gone and I know there's a lot of feelings that you can't really understand right now."

"Like why my tummy feels so sick but I can't throw up?" Ben asked, tipping his head to the side. "Like that mama?"

"Yeah, just like that. I know we all feel bad without daddy and like nothing is working out right. But we have to figure out a way to talk about how we feel so it doesn't bottle up inside like it has been."

"Well mama, me and Ben, we try not to cry from missing daddy because we don't want to make you more sad."

"If you miss daddy and you want to cry, go for it. I don't want you to feel like you can't just because you don't want to make me sad. I'm already about as sad as I'm going to get."

"Daddy wants us to be strong."

"Yes he does. But strong people can cry. You don't have to be ashamed about it."

"Can I tell you what I miss about daddy?" Ben asked, wiping away the tears that had fallen from his eyes. "I miss how he gives us so many hugs and kisses every day."

"Yeah, most daddies don't do that," Colton said with a nod. "Most daddies don't even say I love you as much as our daddy does. I miss the way his beard tickles when he hugs me."

"I like how he plays with us all the time. Even when he is tired and grumpy, he comes and plays with us."

"I like that he's goofy. And how he takes care of us so much and keeps us safe."

"I like daddy play," Avery added. "We play tea party. He wear hat. It so funny!"

"Yeah and I like when daddy lets me ride on his shoulders, even if my feet stink!"

"Know what I like the most? I like how happy daddy makes you, mama. I like that you kiss each other even when it is gross. I like how your faces look when you see each other. Because your eyes get big like hearts are coming out of them."

"Oh is that what it looks like?" Lindsay asked, laughing for the first time in days.

"Yep, exactly. Even now you are sad but you are talkin' about him and your eyes get bigger."

"Mama love daddy," Avery agreed. "Daddy love mama."

"And that's how it is," Ben added with a smile. "Now that we're all feelin' happier maybe we could go play outside?"

"Yes, lets go outside. I have some popsicles in the fridge that are just dying to be eaten by hungry kids."

"I hungry!" Avery shouted, sliding off the bed and running downstairs.

Maybe everything wasn't perfect, but that didn't mean they couldn't make the best of it.

* * *

"I love the change in atmosphere when the kids fall asleep," Austin remarked, bringing two bowls of popcorn to the couch. "It's so quiet."

"Ben and Colton have had a lot of trouble falling asleep the last few nights. It's nice to see them settle down with no problems."

"Have you told Adam about that?"

"No, I don't want to make him feel guilty. We just have to get used to it. It's only a month."

"Remember the first sleepover we had? When we watched _Hope Floats_ and you said Adam reminded you of Justin Matisse and I told you that no matter what you did you couldn't make Adam a cowboy and then we laughed for an hour at the idea of him chewing on a piece of wheat."

"Oh my gosh I love us so much."

"And then we talked about Danny as a surfer."

"And you almost peed your pants."

"I miss those days."

"We still have them. Just not as often."

"Yeah, we have to get straight to the point now."

"By the time we're ninety we won't have to say anything else."

"Which will probably work out okay because I will be deaf and you will be blind and we will both be bald."

"And yet we are going to be the most sought after gals in the nursing home."

"Hey Lin, thanks for growing old with me."

"Of course."

She sighed and leaned back on to the couch, rubbing her eyes.

"I'm so tired."

"I'm not surprised."

"Thanks for making us come over."

"You would do the same for me. Besides, I get bored when Danny's not here."

"I would too, you guys have terrible channel selection."

"Shut up Lin."

"Can I tell you something that I've never told anyone else?"

"Sure."

"Sometimes my kids drive me crazy. So crazy that I don't even want to be around them. I know Colton's super smart and Ben is hilarious and Avery is always doing something interesting but sometimes I just want to shut them in their rooms and not see them for a day."

"That's not abnormal you know."

"I feel like it is. I have the greatest kids in the world and I don't even appreciate that sometimes. I love them more than anything but sometimes it's just so hard."

"I know."

"When Adam's gone it's even worse. And I don't know why at all. I just feel like such a crappy mom right now."

"Well you're not a crappy mom, just a stressed and overwhelmed mom, so stop telling yourself you suck."

"Okay."

"Linds."

"Okay, okay, okay! I get it."

"I love you. Everything is going to be okay."

"Mama!"

"Except right at this moment when your most interesting child won't sleep."

"She probably woke up at least one kid, if not two."

The predictive statement was validated as all three girls came out of the bedroom, rubbing their eyes.

"Mama, I scared!" Avery announced, running and jumping onto the couch. "Monster on me."

"There was a monster on you?"

"Yes! Taked my dinner."

"Oh goodness."

"Averylin kicked me a lot when we were asleep and then I woke up," Sarah explained, curling up next to Austin. "I switched beds with Isa, but then Averylin kicked her too."

"Yeah, right in the shin. Like we were playing karate," Isa added, pushing her tangled hair behind her ear. "Maybe she could come sleep out on the couch with you two."

"Well after you told us what a delight she is to sleep next to…"

"Or maybe we could all sleep out here! Yeah, that would be fun! Right girls?"

"Yes Isa!" Avery agreed with a yawn. The three of them found spots in between their mothers and settled in happily.

"See Linds? You're a good mom. Even my kids think so."

"Okay, I'll stop worrying about it."

"You can get through this Linds. Adam would never have left if he thought you couldn't handle it."

"I guess you're right. Thank you."

"Anytime. And remember, I live to be your back up plan."

"And I live to be yours."

"I am so glad I have you."

"Ditto."


	242. Chapter 242

"Hey, good morning baby girl!" Adam greeted from the computer screen as Avery climbed up into the chair.

"Hi daddy! What doing?"

"I'm just getting a few things ready to teach my class today. What are you doing?"

"Eat breakfast. Avery dressed."

"Aren't you doing something special today?"

"Yes! Avery go tumblin' class! Wear this!" she said, indicating her leotard.

"Oh wow. I wish I could be there to see you."

"I learn pepper-salt."

"You'll learn what honey?"

"Pepper-salt," she repeated with a sigh.

"Somersaults you mean?"

"Pepper-salt."

"Oh, alright. What else will you learn?"

"Uh, flips! An' Avery do tricks. Sarah say Avery um… uh… dunno."

"You forgot what Sarah said?"

"Uh-huh! I eat toast and sausage," she said, moving onto another subject. "Ben have candy. Mama mad. Ben in room."

"Uh-oh. Where did Ben get candy?"

"Dunno. I look."

"I'm sure you did look for it. Where's mama and Colton?"

"Mama talk to Ben. Coley readin' book. He say not for Avery. I little."

She hung her head down in disappointment and Adam chuckled.

"He just means it doesn't have pictures in it for you to look at."

"Oh! Okay. You have breakfast daddy?"

"Yeah, I had a little something."

"You come home 'morrow?"

"No I can't come home tomorrow. Remember we have to count lots of days."

"Yes daddy. Avery want snuggles and play," she said, ticking the items off on her fingers.

"I promise as soon as I get home I will snuggle you and play with you for as long as you want."

She laughed and clapped her hands happily while Lindsay carried Ben into the room. He had a red face from crying, but the second he saw Adam was on Skype he brightened up and slid down to the floor, running over to the computer.

"Hi daddy! It's me Ben! Can you see me? I am wearin' a blue shirt what's got a itchy tag in the back!"

"Yeah I can see you buddy. What have you been up to?"

"Well mama punished me already an' said we don't need to discuss what I done no more. But this morning Cole teached me to read some words! I can read seven words now what aren't no one's name! Isn't that awesome?"

"That is awesome buddy. I can't wait to see how many you'll be able to read when I get home."

"I will be workin' on it. Cole is a good teacher too. He teached me 'bout the sounds the letters make and he is patient when I go slow. Mama says I am lucky to have a nice brother like that. Next he is gonna teach Dunner some words so we will be the smartest in our class."

"That sounds like a good plan. Are you getting excited about kindergarten?"

"Yep I am! My tummy gets kinda nervous when I think 'bout it. But it will be okay for Dunner will be with me."

"That's right."

"Daddy are you bein' a teacher today?"

"Yeah I am."

"Well maybe you should make sure that the people you're teachin' aren't nervous, okay?"

"I will."

"You know what I said to mama? I said that I needed a picture what was of me an' you so I could keep it with me all the time, to remember the kind of man I is supposed to be!"

"Oh really?"

"Yes. Because me and Cole, we was havin' a hard time bein' good and I said that to mama for I wanted to 'member what we was strivin' for."

"I'm glad you want to be a good boy while I'm gone."

"We wanna make you proud. Speakin' of Cole, you wanna talk to him too? Hey Cole, daddy's on the 'puter!"

Colton slammed his book closed and ran into the room, out of breath.

"Daddy! Daddy! Know what? I am almost done with that book you left for me! I really like it a lot. And I learned a few new words that I have never heard before too."

"Good, I was hoping you'd like it."

"I do a lot. When I am done I will read it to Ben."

"You will?" Ben hollered almost jumping out of his shoes. "I'm so 'cited!"

"We've created literary nerds," Lindsay chuckled, fighting Avery's hair into a ponytail.

"I don't see a problem with this."

"Me too!" Avery agreed, wanting to be a part of the conversation.

"When do you have to leave honey?"

"About two minutes ago, but I'd rather just do this all day."

"You need to go. And we need to go too, we don't want Avery to be late for her first tumbling class."

"Yay tumblin'!"

"Take lots of pictures for me okay?"

"We will. Talk to you at dinner time?"

"Okay. I love you guys."

"Love you too daddy!"

The kids all blew him kisses before they signed off the messaging service.

"I like when daddy calls us in the mornin'. Starts the day off good," Ben said with a happy sigh. "But not when I eat candy what I shouldn't have."

"Yeah, except for that. Lets get our shoes on so we can get out of here."

The kids ran for the back door and Colton and Ben found their shoes and put them on in record time while Avery just stood there, holding hers and frowning.

"Here Aves, I will help you. Put your feet in and I will tie them."

She obeyed then stood there while Colton carefully tied her shoes.

"Hey mama! Sissy's diaper and her Leonardo are goin' up her crack!"

Avery whined and covered her backside while Colton snickered.

"I know, I forgot to put her shorts on over the top. And don't point out things like that so loud."

"Oh, I forgot. Sissy your butt isn't showin' at all!"

Avery wrinkled her nose as Lindsay helped her into her shorts, then ushered the kids out the door.

* * *

"This is borin' watchin' all these little kids roll around on the floor," Ben sighed, propping his chin up on his hands. "I wish Dunner was here. That would be more funner."

"Shh! I'm trying to read!" Colton whispered loudly from his spot by the window.

Ben rolled his eyes and looked back at the toddler girls who were flopping around the floor, apparently learning how to be graceful.

"Mama how much longer?"

"They just started honey."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"I asked you if you wanted to bring something and you said there would be too much to look at."

"But I was wrong mama! This is just like watchin' sissy run around the house on a normal day. I thought it would be like the circus."

"Our house is like a circus on a normal day," Lindsay muttered, leaning over to wipe his nose.

"Nu-uh, we don't gots lions!"

Lindsay chuckled and pulled Ben up into her lap, kissing his cheek.

"Here, you can play with my phone."

"Alright! Awesome!"

Within seconds he was engrossed in a game and had fallen silent with nothing to complain about. Avery seemed to be having fun in her class for the most part, but was definitely the most uncoordinated of the group, despite Sarah's previous attempts at coaching her. She was currently having trouble doing a somersault and by the look on her face she was getting upset that she couldn't do it. Her legs were too short to push her over well and she wasn't using her arms to help her either. One of the teachers came over and tried to help, but Avery had reached the point of frustration that she wouldn't return from. She stood up instead and crossed her arms over her chest, watching as the other girls tumbled expertly all over the floor. It wasn't a secret that she felt left out and she wished she could do it too, but her shoulders sunk in despair and she turned around, running to the edge of the mat and putting her hands on her hips.

"Mama I can't."

"Yes you can. Go try again."

"No I done."

"Averylin, you need to go out and try again. You can do it. Just take your time."

"I think her hiney is too big," Ben noted.

"Ben hush. Avery go try one more time for mama."

"Okay."

Avery ran back to the middle of the floor and took a deep breath, muttering something to herself before squatting down and executing a very crooked somersault.

"Mama! Mama! I do! Avery do pepper-salt!"

"Good job honey. Go out there and do some more."

Avery hopped up and down happily and ran off to join the rest of her class, who were lining up to try something else. Lindsay was trying so hard not to laugh at Avery because no matter how enthusiastic she was, she just couldn't improve her coordination. She was cute and determined about it though, which meant she was having fun.

"Mama, what are we doing after this?"

"I don't know yet Colton. Do you guys have to be entertained every second of the day?"

"Yep, we do," Ben said with a nod. "Don't you know that mama?"

"It would be nice if we could go home and you kids could entertain yourselves so I could get some housework done."

"Yeah, the inside of our house does look kinda sloppy."

"Ben!" Colton said, shocked. "That's not a nice thing to say to a lady!"

"Why not? It's the truth!"

"Okay I guess it's decided. We'll go home and you kids will clean your rooms and the bathroom while I clean the rest of the house."

"Aw man! Look what you did Ben!"

"That's okay! I like to clean. There's always the chance of findin' new stuffs."

Colton rolled his eyes and went back to his book.

"Mama look at sissy! She's swingin' on those things! I wanna do that!"

Lindsay laughed as she looked over at Avery who was holding onto the rings for dear life, her toes perfectly pointed and her face one of terror.

"I down!" she shrieked, starting to kick her legs, giving the instructor a tough time getting her down. "I go potty!"

"Oh great," Lindsay sighed, lifting Ben off of her lap and walking across the room to meet Avery at the edge of the mat.

"Mama," she sniffled. "I potty."

"You need to go or you already did?"

"I stink."

"Oh Averylin."

They made their way into the bathroom while Colton buried his nose in his book and Ben laughed.

"Oh man. That sissy of ours is sure good for a laugh huh?"

* * *

"Are the kids in bed?"

His voice was rough and tired on the other end of the phone and she shivered as she slid into bed.

"Yeah. Avery fell asleep right after you called earlier and I let the boys make a fort and sleep in it, so they're sawing logs pretty good down there."

"What are you wearing?"

"A big sweatshirt that has paint stains all over it and a pair of your sweats that have holes and grass stains all over them and I have goop on my face."

"Way to kill the mood."

"You know, years ago the thought of me in your clothes would have turned you on."

"Yeah, that was back when I was adventurous."

"Adventurous? You just asked what I was wearing. I think you're still adventurous."

"Just a little lonely."

"Okay you're making me blush. Change of subject."

"You wound me."

"Hey, we're almost one week down. You're a trooper."

"You owe me."

"You owe me too."

"Come visit me."

"I want to but I'd never leave."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

"Whoever said that was a quack. It just makes me grow grim about the mouth."

"Time to take to the sea babe."

She chuckled and pushed the pillows around until they were just how she wanted them, then settled back and yawned.

"I booked the yurt," he said after a moment. She burst into laughter so loud that he had to hold the phone away from his ear.

"What is so funny?"

"You sounded just like Ben and yurt is the funniest word ever."

"You seem a lot happier than you have been the last few days."

"I am. I still miss you but the kids are doing better so that helps a lot. Anyway, back to the yurt?"

"I booked it for the Tuesday through Thursday after I get back. That way I can help you pack on Monday. I booked an hour of horseback riding on Wednesday morning. I thought you could take the boys and Avery and I can go fishing."

"I wanna go fishing too!"

"Well then we'll all go riding and then we'll go fishing. How's that?"

"Good."

"I can't wait. It's gonna be nice to be back together."

"I know. Is your class still going okay?"

"Yeah. I keep thinking of things to add. Definitely not running out of material, it's just hard to make it all fit."

"Are you having fun with it though?"

"For the most part. Definitely wouldn't want to do this all the time though. It's fun to geek out about this stuff but I'd rather be in the lab actually doing it."

"I know what you mean."

They fell into a comfortable silence and she traced her finger over the stitching in the comforter.

"I wish you were here right now. I don't feel like I'm home without you."

"I know."

"Can we stay on the phone all night?"

"Sure. Want to listen to me brush my teeth?"

"Of course."

He chuckled and the hotel bed creaked as he stood up and walked into the small bathroom.

"So how was the Chinese take out for dinner?" he asked.

"Okay, here is something you need to know about that stinkin' restaurant. Their food sucks, okay? Their General's Chicken was made with ketchup and Tabasco sauce. I am not joking. It was so gross. So I figured I would just eat the rice but no, there was a hair in it. I decided to take it from the kids too but they didn't even mind because it was so gross. Austin came over to drop something off and even she wouldn't take a bite. It was disgusting okay? I couldn't even throw it away in the house, I had to take it straight out to the outside can. So don't even talk to me about dinner."

"There you go trying to make things a little easier and finding out the hard way that the easy way is the hard way," he laughed picturing the face she always made when she was ranting about something.

"Bite me, Chuckles."

"I'd love to."

"Oh my gosh I started it again."

He laughed and climbed into bed, shutting the lamp off and adjusting the pillows and scratchy blankets, wishing for the millionth time that he was home.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Hmm?"

"I keep waking up in the middle of the night. Like every hour or so, I wake up looking for you."

"Even your subconscious misses me," Lindsay crooned with a smile. "I don't blame it, I'm pretty awesome."

"Among other things. What are you guys doing tomorrow?"

"I'm working in the morning and Faye is coming over to watch the kids. Ben spent an hour making her a card today. He says he couldn't draw the flowers quite right so he made them into aliens "what got stems for thems bodies and leaves for thems arms." I asked him if Faye likes aliens and he told me that she has to now."

"That kid is so strange."

"How we ended up with him, I'll never know, but I'm not complaining."

"He is the strangest bits of both of us."

"He's like our combo platter."

Adam laughed and yawned, realizing that his Saturday morning lecture class was going to come pretty early. He needed to sleep but there was no way he could tell her that.

"Hey honey?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too babe."

"Earlier today I was thinking about how different things were years ago before we started dating. I kind of miss that sometimes."

"What part of it?"

"I don't know really. We never had hard times back then, you know? Everything was easy. I wouldn't trade now for anything, but sometimes I miss those simpler days."

"They may have been easy for you, but not for me."

"Why?"

"I had to make sure I didn't overstep my boundaries. That wasn't easy. I was pretty sweet on you."

"You should have just gone for it."

"Woulda freaked you out."

"Maybe, but not enough to tell you no."

"I think it's better that we had that time. Our communication skills would have ended us if we didn't have that foundation from the beginning."

"Maybe. It's interesting to think about different ways it could have gone but I'm happy with what actually happened."

"Me too."

"We should probably sleep. Morning's coming."

"We're staying on the phone right?"

"Yes please."

"Okay. Goodnight honey. I love you."

"Love you too."

She settled the phone next to her and closed her eyes, feeling not quite so far apart anymore.


	243. Chapter 243

A/N: Took me forever... eh no one reads this anymore anyway. Two years and one day with this story and I never planned this much at all but it's the most faithful friend I've got most days and I wish everyone in the world loved it as much as I do, but I've learned that it's just fine for it to me be mine and no one else's.

* * *

"I'm sorry for doing this to you," Lindsay apologized, her voice tight as she handed three backpacks over to Jo. "I just need to get away. I need to go see him and… I just…"

"Sweetheart, I understand."

Lindsay sighed deeply and watched the kids beg Mac to take them outside. She didn't want to leave them on such short notice and she hated to take over Mac and Jo's weekend by sticking them with kid-duty, but she was slowly going insane without Adam. They were halfway through and he kept telling her it was all downhill from here, but she had no idea where she would draw her strength for the next two weeks from.

"Thanks for taking the kids."

"Not a problem. You and Adam need to see each other and the kids will do well with a change of pace. Everyone's going to feel better after this weekend okay?"

"Okay."

"Now say goodbye to the kids and go catch your plane."

Lindsay smiled, so grateful for the understanding that she would never really be able to say. Walking across the room she crouched down and hugged the kids tightly, assuring them that she would be home on Sunday night and they were going to have fun while she was gone. The boys didn't take much convincing, they loved hearing stories about when Mac was in the Marines and they enjoyed the grandmotherly side that Jo showed them. Avery was a little more skeptical about the whole matter. With Adam gone she'd become slightly more clingy than normal and while she wasn't insecure or having separation anxiety, she was certainly aware that not all was right at home.

"I won't be gone for very long sweetie. Just two sleeps."

"One, two? Avery two!"

"Yes you are. Are you going to be a good girl?"

"Yes mama."

"Are you going to be the boss of your potty?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to mess your diapers?"

"Yep!"

"Oh Avery."

"Mama go bye. Call on phone later?"

"I'll do my best. You be a good girl. I love you."

"Love you mama! Most."

She skipped off across the room and jumped into Mac's lap, snuggling herself against his chest.

"See, they're fine. Now get out of here. Go see your man."

"Thanks Jo. Really. I know this isn't-"

"Lindsay Ross, move it!"

"Okay okay!"

She bid them goodbye one more them, then escaped out to the car, feeling waves of guilt and relief battling for her attention. It didn't seem fair to leave the kids when they already missed Adam so much, but the last few days had drained her to the point where she couldn't function as a good mother right now. She was snapping at the kids for nothing, she was sad and she just needed some time away.

Adam didn't know she was coming, she wanted to wait until she was almost on the plane before she told him. She knew he had a class on Saturday mornings, but she figured she could find something to occupy her time for a few hours while he was gone.

Winding her way through the New York streets towards the airport, she turned the music up a little louder and no matter how lonely she was without Adam, she was embracing the solitude at the same time. It was nice to let things go for a while, not worry about the kids or the house or work or anything else. She could just think about seeing her husband and feeling better and having two days to just exist without anything to do.

Parking in the closest lot she could find, she made sure the car was locked and the carseats were in the trunk before she grabbed her suitcase and made her way into the airport. They'd decided that there wasn't enough time or money for Adam to come home every weekend, which was kind of a moot point now seeing as her ticket had cost an arm and a leg for being bought so close to the flight time. She didn't really care though, money didn't make a whole lot of difference in the grand scheme of things.

It took a long time to get through security and by the time she reached her gate, the flight was already boarding. The sun was setting out the window and she sighed happily, glad she was finally headed to where she needed to be. She grabbed her phone out and prayed she still had a few minutes before they would make her turn it off, then called Adam.

"Hey babe. What's up?"

"Not a lot. What are you doing?"

"Grabbing some dinner. What are you doing?"

"Sitting on a plane bound for DC. Want to pick me up in an hour or so?"

"What?"

"Do you need me to repeat that or are you just stunned?"

"Stunned. When did you decide this?"

"Last night. I gotta go, but I'll text you when we land at Dulles okay?"

"You sure know how to take a guys knees out."

"I'll see you in a little bit."

They hung up the phone and she chuckled to herself, feeling light and happy and impatient for this flight to take off.

* * *

"So… what was the straw that broke the camel's back?" Adam whispered gruffly, nuzzling her cheek.

"There were a lot of straws," she answered softly, running her fingers over his arm.

"Like?"

"I was having nightmares. I didn't sleep for two nights. Austin and I got in a fight. Work sucked. I just missed you a lot."

"I missed you too. I'm glad you're here, this is the best surprise you've ever given me."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Well, it ranks pretty high up there, that's for sure."

She chuckled and pulled his arm tighter around her waist, her mind barely caught up to the fact that she was finally here with him.

"You and Austin had a fight?"

"It wasn't a big deal. We're fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. It wouldn't have been a fight if I wasn't so… well anyway, it's over now."

"That's good."

They didn't say anything for a while, just lay there together breathing and thinking. He hadn't been enjoying his time away from the family at all, even if the quiet was a change. He had started to miss the noise of three happy, crazy kids, the constant thrum of the dishwasher or washing machine, the familiar creak of the wood floors, the constant tocking of the grandfather clock and the comforting, gentle sounds of his wife sleeping next to him. There was no replacement for those simple things.

"I would rather be home than anywhere else," he said finally with a deep sigh. "You and the kids, I don't know why anyone would ever want anything different."

"Well we don't want anybody but you so that shakes out pretty well."

He chuckled and she rolled over to face him, running her hand over his face and stretching up to kiss him.

"I've really just missed looking at you."

"Oh really?"

"Mm-hmm. I like your face."

"Babe, you're so weird."

"This morning Ben was telling me how he's planning to introduce himself when he gets to kindergarten."

"Really?"

"Yeah. First he said "Mama, I am a planner just like you is." I asked him what he meant and he said that he's had his first day of kindergarten planned forever."

"So how's he going to introduce himself?"

"My name's Ben and I'm five! I kinda got chubby cheeks but don't let that make you think I'm a baby! I wear real underpants!"

"No."

"Yes. Then he told me that first impressions are worth their weight in gold."

"Where does he come up with this stuff?"

"I have no idea. He seriously cracks me up."

"Such a strange kid."

"And Avery. That child is so goofy. She's started yelling everything she says in this deep voice with that accent she has. I can't even imitate it but she seriously yells for everything. Not even exciting things, just normal sentences like "I'm wearin' purple!" She just so intense sometimes. One second she's fine, the next she's screaming."

"She's you."

"I'm ignoring that."

"Are Ben and Avery having trouble getting along? The other day you said they'd been at each other's throats."

"They got a little better but when they fight it might as well be the end of the world."

"How's Colton?"

She sighed deeply and dropped her eyes down a little, trying to temper the truth, but unable to keep it from him.

"He misses you a lot. He doesn't keep it all inside though, he talks to me about it all the time. It's making me realize how much he understands about life and how smart and observant he is."

"How do you mean?"

"He comes and talks to me every night before he goes to sleep. The other night he came and got in bed with me and started crying so much he couldn't talk. When I finally calmed him down he said that he was scared that I was going to get sad again like I did that time and you weren't going to be there to make it better so maybe I would be sad forever. And he kept telling me all these things he was going to do to make me happy and I just sat there with my heart breaking because that kid takes on so much and I don't know how to tell him he doesn't have to worry about it without acting like I'm ignoring the problem. This morning when I told them I was coming to see you he got so excited and he told me that I was finally going to have shiny eyes again. I wish he could always be happy like that."

"I think we got a very compassionate child and we need to figure out a way to nurture that and teach him how to let go too."

"I think he got those traits double time from both of us."

"I think you're right."

They sighed together and he reached up to brush her hair out of her face, glancing deep into her eyes and hoping that he could convey the question without asking.

"I'm okay Adam. I promise."

"Okay. But you would tell me if you weren't?"

"I would tell you. I'm not going to go through all that again and I'm not going to put you through it either."

"I know. Now come here, I still miss you."

* * *

This store was probably no bigger than her living room, but it was stacked floor to ceiling with books and she could very easily get lost in it. She absentmindedly read titles on the old and faded spines while holding the phone to her ear and trying to keep track of the time as well.

"Austin I'm sorry I yelled, I just didn't want to hear it right then."

"I know and maybe I should have waited a while, but when it's about the kids I just feel like I have to say something right now."

"I know. And I would do the same thing. I know Avery's not as disciplined as the boys were at her age. I know it's my fault. But I don't know what to do."

"Lin, I didn't say all that to make you feel guilty. I really didn't. I just worry about her sometimes. It's not like she's running the family or she's some evil kid, but she doesn't respond to no very well. And by that I mean she completely ignores it."

"She doesn't ignore it all the time Austin. She's just trying to push her boundaries right now."

"Okay, I get that. But think about what the boys were doing at her age. They cleaned up their toys, they asked to be excused from the table, they were potty-trained, they always listened when they were told to do something. They pushed their boundaries but they weren't this combative about it."

"I know I suck as a mom, okay? But Avery's a different kid. I can't expect that she responds the same way to discipline as the boys did. I can't expect her to do everything at the same rate they did."

"I'm not saying you should. I just don't want you to give up and let her do whatever she wants."

"I don't let my kids do whatever they want, Austin. She minds pretty well at home, maybe she's just testing you. You're allowed to discipline her too you know."

"Lindsay-"

"I know you don't like to but that's part of taking care of the kids and if you can't do that then I guess they don't need to be over there anymore."

"How did this turn into you taking the kids away from me?"

"Look Austin, you act like it's too much for you to handle, that there's something terribly wrong with my kid, I can't imagine why you would want them around if you really feel that way."

"That's not fair! I just want what's best for them because I love them. I feel like you're in over your head with Adam gone and I want to help you. I don't want to fight with you and I don't want you to keep the kids from me."

"Well then what do you want Austin? You tell me that Avery is wild and she doesn't listen but what do you want me to do when I'm not there? You say you want the kids but you don't want to punish them when they need it so they walk all over you. What am I supposed to do about that? I can't change your relationship with them one way or another."

"You know what? Forget it. Obviously you don't want to discuss this like adults, you want to get your way by taking the kids from me and I guess I have no argument here."

"Okay, whatever."

They both hung up in frustration and Lindsay stalked out of the store without buying anything, her arms crossed over her chest. There was truth to what Austin was saying but it felt like an attack on Avery and an attack on her parenting and she just wasn't quite ready to listen to it, no matter how well intentioned it was. At the moment she was fighting the urge to call back and really lay into Austin for things her kids had done in the past, but she knew that was petty and the only people really getting slighted then would be the kids. She tried to put herself in Austin's shoes but that didn't help either, it just made her more upset at the whole situation. It would probably be better if they didn't talk for a little while.

She glanced at her watch and settled into the bench. It would be a few minutes before Adam would join her and she needed to be in a better mood before he showed up or this whole weekend could turn bad really fast. She picked up her phone again and called Jo, even though she'd just called to check on the kids a few hours ago.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be spending time with your husband?"

"Yes, but he's not quite done with his class for today. How are the kids?"

"They're good. Mac took the boys with him to run some errands and Avery's helping me weed the garden."

"Is she behaving?"

"Yeah, of course. She loves shaking the dirt off the roots."

"I bet she does. But she's listening and being polite and everything?"

"Yeah, she is. Why?"

"No reason. Can I talk to her?"

"Sure. Avery, wipe your hands off on your shirt and you can talk to mama."

There was a squeal in the background before Avery grabbed the phone, her hands probably grubby all over it.

"Hi mama!"

"Hi baby. What are you doing?"

"Pull the weeds with Jo-Jo. Weeds bad. They kill pretty flowers. Find a worm!"

"You found a worm? What did you do with it?"

"Put in dirt! It pink mama!"

"Oh wow. Are you having fun?"

"Yes, most fun. Mama and daddy home soon?"

"I'll be home tomorrow night. Are you using the potty like a big girl?"

"No mama. I diaper. Potty is loud. Scary."

"Okay, I gotcha. But I want you to try anyway, alright?"

"Okay mama. Avery try for you. Uh-oh, 'nother weed! Gotta shake it!"

"Alright sweetie. You have fun and be a good girl."

"I do, mama. Bye!"

They hung up the phone and Lindsay smiled to herself, wanting to be in two places at once.

"Hey babe," Adam greeted as he approached. She grinned at the sight of him in slacks and a button up shirt, so different from his normal jeans and t-shirt. She'd teased him this morning about a tweed jacket and even if she'd acted like it would have been totally unattractive, the mental image was definitely one of her favorites.

"Hey. How was your class?"

"It was good. I cut it short though. The AC went out in the building so there was no point in staying if we were going to melt."

"Always a good course of action," she agreed as he leaned down to kiss her.

"What have you been up to?"

"Nothing worth mentioning. I just got off the phone with Avery. She found a worm and was very excited that it was pink."

"I miss her so much."

"She misses you too. Ready to walk?"

"Yeah."

After consulting the map she'd printed out he took her hand and they set out at a leisurely pace, checking out the shops along the street and commenting on this city that neither one of them was very familiar with.

It was a long walk to their destination, but it just didn't feel right taking a cab so half an hour later they finally reached the Reflecting Pool. It took one walk all the way around the pool before they finally reached an empty bench and sat down together, breathing and watching the world go by.

"I've thought about this for a long time," she said after a moment.

"What?"

"Sitting here by the pool together. Just existing. Coming full circle."

"Full circle to find the truth," he added, earning a smile for the inside joke. "The only problem with coming full circle is that means an end."

"No. Because we can spiral."

"You suck at geometry honey."

"I know. But you think I'm totally adorable anyway."

"That I do," he agreed, pulling her against him and kissing the top of her head. "So let me ask you a loaded question."

"What's that?"

"One year from now, what do you hope will be different than today?"

"You mean as far as our life in general?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think I would change anything. I hope the kids are still happy and healthy and growing. I hope you and I are as happy as we are now and that everything keeps moving forward I guess."

"No big dreams for the future?"

"I'm living every big dream I've ever had."

"No places you want to see, things you want to try, scary things you want to conquer?"

"Nope. I could have done those things years ago. I chose this instead. I regret nothing."

"So there's nothing I could do to make you happier?"

"Just be you. I'm happier every day than I was the one before so I think that's a good sign. Don't mess with a good thing."

"Okay."

"Why do you ask? Do I seem unhappy?"

"No. It's just that you always seem to catch on to little things that make me happy and I don't feel like I do that for you."

"What do you mean?"

"The way you fluff my pillow before I get in bed. Or how you remember to buy me oval shoelaces instead of round ones."

"Or how you remember that I like Ghirardelli chocolate better than Lindt or Godiva. And how you look into my eyes and tell me you love me every chance you get?"

"Those aren't special things though."

"What I do isn't special either. It's just because I love you. Get it?"

"I know. But babe, you're incredible and I'm… I'm just me and I am totally undeserving of you."

"No you're not. You're perfect and wonderful and you're everything I could ever want."

"Yeah?"

"Yes. I love you."

"I love you too."

"And now I'm going to have to gag because we're disgusting."

He laughed and kissed her forehead, then hugged her tightly.

"Thanks for being here babe."

* * *

"But where's daddy?"

"He had to stay in D.C. Ben."

"But I thought you were pickin' him up from there! I thought we would get to see daddy! This is the worst day of my life!"

He burst into tears and ran across the room to Mac who scooped him up carefully and let him cry.

"Want daddy!" Avery shouted, stomping her foot. "My daddy!"

"Aves, daddy has to be down there for longer," Colton started, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. She growled and pushed him away, crossing her arms.

"My daddy home! Now!"

"Averylin you won't throw a fit right now when mama is tired and sad. You know better than that."

Avery's eyes went wide and she screamed suddenly pushing Colton away from her.

"Coley not daddy! Stop!"

"I'm just trying to help mama!"

"Cole don't yell at sissy!" Ben hollered, wiping his eyes. "You're not the daddy."

"Ben I am the man of the house when daddy's gone!"

"You don't make the rules Cole Matthew Ross! Quit being bossy! Nobody likes you!"

Colton just stood there looking at his siblings, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Please tell me they weren't like this the entire time," Lindsay muttered, close to tears herself as she gathered the kids belongings.

"No, they were fine. I think they're just overly tired. Take them home and put them to bed and you'll all feel better in the morning," Jo assured.

"I know. Come on kids, let's go home."

Colton sniffled and made his way to the door while Avery followed, her steps heavy and mad.

"I wanna stay here with Mac!" Ben declared. "I don't wanna go home."

"You can't stay here buddy. Your mama needs you at home," Mac explained, his voice calm and gentle.

"But daddy's not there! It's not the same!"

"I know it's not the same. And I know you miss your daddy a lot, but your mama needs to have all her kids in one place."

"I just miss my daddy," Ben hiccupped, rubbing at his eyes.

"Well look at it this way. If you didn't have such a good daddy you wouldn't miss him so much, would you?"

"Maybe."

"You're lucky you have such a good daddy Ben. And a good mama."

Ben nodded and hugged Mac around the neck before slipping off of his lap.

"Thanks for taking care of me and the other kids while mama was gone. And thanks for all the fun stuff we did."

"You're welcome buddy."

Ben crossed the room to Lindsay and hugged her legs, then went out to the car while she sighed.

"You're going to be okay," Mac assured, pulling her into one of his rare hugs. "You're doing just fine."

"I'm glad you believe in me because I don't."

"Well you're stubborn so it won't matter if you can't. You will anyway."

"Thank you."

"Get those kids home and into bed. I'll see you at work tomorrow bright and early and hopefully fully rested because you have to get the lab ready for inspections."

"I don't like you right now."

"Bring your cleaning gear."

She narrowed her eyes but smiled at him as he let her go.

"Thanks for taking the kids."

"Anytime."

Wishing she could stay here longer, a place that felt like home where her childhood could come back to her, she went outside to find Jo buckling the kids into the car.

"And you're going to be good for your mama, right?"

"Yes Jo-Jo," they all answered automatically.

"And you're going to clean your rooms and make your beds and clean up your toys?"

"No Jo-Jo," Avery answered with a shake of her head. "Not do that."

"Well it was worth a shot."

She leaned in and kissed them all goodbye, then shut the car door and gave Lindsay a motherly look.

"You okay honey?"

"I'm fine."

"Austin called. She said you're fighting."

"We fought. Now we're not speaking."

"That's not good."

"I'll fix it later. I have other stuff to worry about right now."

"Okay. You let me know if you need anything else."

"I will."

She got into the car and glanced back at the kids, wishing there wasn't sadness in their eyes. They were all quiet as she drove home, lost in their own thoughts. Luggage was left in the car as they made their way inside, all silently going upstairs to change into their pajamas and get in bed. Avery just stripped down and climbed under the covers, clutching her stuffed animals close and going to sleep without saying goodnight. Colton wasn't much different, turning over to face the wall and pulling his blankets over his head as to not be disturbed. Ben seemed a bit more restless, pacing around the room and chewing on his finger until Lindsay guided him into bed.

"Mama, life is hard," he confided, sliding his glasses off. "I wish that I was just swimmin' around in your belly again. Do you think I would fit?"

She chuckled as he curled into a little ball and gave her a half-smile.

"I might make you fat but I would 'preciate it if I could move in. It was quiet in there I remember. And cozy."

"Oh Ben."

"Times was simpler back then," he sighed wistfully. "At times I long for those days."

"Sweetie you are so strange."

"I know. Kiss me on my cheeks so I can go to sleep and dream 'bout daddy bein' home."

She obeyed his request and tucked him in tightly, taking a moment to watch him.

"I love you Benjamin."

"I love you too mama. Have sweet dreams."

She stood from his bed and walked over to Colton, taking a moment to hug him and tell him how proud he made her. He gave a little smile and leaned up to kiss her goodnight, a sure sign that her compliment far outweighed the squabble with his siblings. Everything felt off-center and misplaced as she went upstairs to sleep, but she knew they were over halfway done and things would be normal again soon.


	244. Chapter 244

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews and notes on the last chapter! It makes me feel a lot better that people are reading. This story has become so much more to me than a hobby and I feel sometimes like maybe, just maybe some of the things I put in it will reach somebody somewhere. There are a lot of things I have written or plan on writing that convey things that I learned later in life, but that I wish I had learned sooner. Hopefully that can help someone somewhere because that is what this really is all about.

* * *

"But mama, it's the one thing I want to do mostest in the world today!" Ben whined, jumping up and down with a movie, pushing it repeatedly into her line of sight.

"Honey, I'm so tired and I have a lot to do."

"But mama please?"

Lindsay sighed and looked down at his pleading face, finding her resolve cracking fiercely.

"Can we make a deal?"

"I love deals mama!"

"Here's the deal. I will watch this movie with you if you don't mind me using my laptop and doing a few things while we watch."

"That's a great deal! Because mostly I just want you next to me!"

"Okay. Why don't you go start it and I'll join you in just a minute."

"Whoo-hoo! Hey Cole, wanna watch a movie with me and mama?"

Colton looked up from the book he was reading and glanced at the movie in Ben's hand.

"Maybe I will do both. That was my favorite movie when I was little."

"I 'specially like Spanky, for he gots big cheeks like me. Also I like Darla for she is a pretty girl. I always thought those two should get together."

"Hey me too!"

Lindsay chuckled at their conversation and put dinner in the oven, then rolled her neck from side to side until it popped and relieved a little of the tension she had stored there. It had been a long day at work and the rain outside, while normally a great mood enhancer was this time just making her feel worse. She wanted nothing more than to spend the evening with the kids, but a lot of household things had fallen by the wayside in the last little while and she felt like checking them off her list was much more pressing than sitting on the couch and watching a movie for two hours.

"Avery wake!" came a shout from upstairs, followed by little feet pounding on the floor.

"Uh-oh, here comes Hurricane sissy," Ben chuckled as Avery ran down the stairs.

"Ah mama home! Yay!"

"Hey baby girl. Did you have a good day with uncle Freddie?"

"So most! He tickle, tickle, tickle!" she reported with a nod of her head. "What doin'?"

"We're going to watch a movie. How do you feel about that?"

"That good. I sit daddy's chair."

She toddled across the room and climbed onto the couch where Adam normally sat, then rested her hands in her lap and crossed her legs.

"Ready."

"We gotta wait for mama to get her laptop sissy. She's gonna do some work because that was our deal. Before this starts I am gonna get a snack. You want a apple too?"

"And cookie."

"I can't reach the cookies. I will bring ya a apple for now."

"Okay Ben."

Soon everyone was situated and the movie had started. Ben was on the edge of his seat, as if _The Little Rascals_ was the most intense thing he'd ever seen.

"I wish Dunner were here watchin' this with me," he remarked partway through the movie. "I haven't seen him in days."

"Yeah, I haven't seen Isa either," Colton said a little sadly. "I sure miss her a lot."

"My Sarah," Avery added, licking the apple core. "Love in my heart."

All three of them looked at Lindsay expectantly, hoping she would suddenly say that they were going to the Messers for dinner so the kids could all be reunited once again. But she didn't say a word, didn't have the first clue as to what to tell them anyway so she kept her focus on the movie and ignored their pleading eyes as best she could.

It was tearing her apart inside not only to not be speaking to Austin but also to be keeping the kids away from each other because of it. She was still hurt by what had been said and while she knew that her reaction to it had been disproportionate to the concern, she wasn't ready to ask for forgiveness just yet. Not speaking to her best friend meant that there was a lot running through her mind and going unsaid, whether it be important or trivial, and it was full to capacity. At least this fight wasn't like the last one. At least this time they were both more rational and trusting and this time she knew everything would work out. It had been a ratty thing for her to do, to play the kid card in the middle of a fight like that and she wasn't so cocky that she couldn't admit that to herself, but saying it out loud was a little too hard at the moment.

"That Porky kid is the boy version of sissy," Ben commented. "The way he's real happy to be eatin' that pickle."

"Ben, it's Buckwheat that likes pickles."

"Now I am real upset that my comparison falled short."

"Like pickle," Avery shouted with a nod. "I got two pickle hey, hey, hey, hey!"

Colton laughed and jumped off of the loveseat, sprinting over to Avery and wrapping her in a tight hug, kissing her cheeks.

"Good gosh Aves, you're about the cutest girl in all the world. Did you know?"

"Nu-uh! More hugs!"

He hugged her again and then Ben joined them and they were soon laughing and teasing with each other, the perfect moment of sibling bliss. Lindsay's heart felt like it would burst out of her chest as she watched them together, just enjoying each other in a special way that best friends could never be a part of. Ben and Avery, while often adversaries, were, on the other side of the coin, extremely affectionate with each other. Colton never seemed to want to be included in those things, especially the sillier moments and he might watch with a smirk on his face, but he never joined into the frivolity. Today seemed to be different though, he was laughing and carrying on as if this was a normal, everyday occurrence. He looked like a little kid again, like the events from last spring were finally dissipating from his daily thoughts. She'd been praying and longing for this time for him, for a time when he could just let go and not filter every thought and action through the past.

"I really sometimes like that Waldo kid, on account of he's always wearin' his fancies like me!"

"But he's the villain, Ben."

"I know. But I like his sense of style. 'Course, he doesn't got the toe brushes on his shoes like what I got."

Lindsay chuckled as Ben climbed up onto the couch beside her, lifting her arm and snuggling into her side.

"I enjoy this mama."

"You enjoy what?"

"Just this. When daddy is home he always hogs cuddlin' with you. I enjoy bein' able to do it."

"I enjoy it too," she chuckled, closing her computer and setting it on the coffee table. "Thanks for making me join you."

"Anytime, mama."

He settled against her and she dropped a kiss to his sandy colored hair, grinning when he held her hand tightly.

"This is the most saddest part of the movie. But it is also the most true. You only get a once in a lifetime buddy once in a lifetime."

Lindsay didn't say anything but Ben looked up her curiously.

"Don't you see it mama? Don't you see? You and Austin is just like Spanky and Falafel! You're the bestest of friends and you're the only best friends what each other gots. You gotta learn to work together. Plus also too, you gotta get along so me and Dunner can see each other."

She smirked at him and he tipped his head to the side for further explanation.

"I know that sounds selfish mama, but peoples need their best buddy! Like that time that Cole had glue in his hair he coulda really used Isa's support. Or like the time when me and Dunner were at the park and he needed me to help him to the bathroom so he could throw up. Or the times that Sarah has gotten sissy unstuck from some place she shouldn't have been! See people need their buddies to have their backs and you need Austin to gots yours. I know you got daddy for that but he is your husband not your best buddy so it's different. Plus, y'all been best buddies for a thousand years. You can't just throw that out the window. That's a waste and we don't waste in this house."

"Ben, it's a lot more complicated than that."

"Why do grown ups always gotta be complicated? Why can't you just say what you think? Like me! I'm a real happy person because I say what I think."

"I know that sweetie. But part of the reason we're fighting is because we both said what we think."

"Well then you are just going to have to get over it because this is a family and it doesn't work when two people don't like each other," Colton said, keeping one arm around Avery while his other hand rested on his hip. "Isn't that what you always tell us?"

"Well yes but-"

"Don't say this is different. You're two people that love each other and are fighting. That's no different than us kids mama."

"Yes it is."

"No it is not and I bet daddy would agree!"

"Yep he would! He would say that you and Austin are just bein' silly," Ben added, crossing his arms. "He would tell you to forgive each other, okay?"

"Daddy would understand that it's complicated," Lindsay argued, wondering why she was in this battle of wills with her kids.

"There you go usin' that word again!"

"Ben I know you don't agree with my decision, but that is no reason to speak disrespectfully. Do you understand me?"

"Yes mama. It's just that… I'm very distressed about this."

"You don't need to be distressed honey. Austin and I will eventually figure it out and forgive each other."

"Eventually is always a long time," Colton whispered sadly. "I miss Isa a lot right now."

"I know you do. I'll figure something out, alright?"

"Okay mama. I'll trust you."

* * *

It was easier said than done to figure out a way to diffuse the situation. Despite racking her brain and running through possible scenarios in her head she couldn't come up with one that actually seemed like it would end well. Her feelings were still hurt but she couldn't deny the fact that Austin's probably were as well, and that made her feel even worse.

"Hey Montana?"

"What?"

"Wow, grouchy."

"Sorry. What's up?"

"I need your John Hancock on some reports that you neglected last night."

"Are you serious? I thought I got them all," she whined, securing her evidence and disposing of the latex gloves.

"Not so."

She wrinkled her nose and followed him into their office, groaning at the small stack of papers on her desk.

"I swore I did these last night," she sighed, sitting down and taking the first page off the stack. "Danny Messer, these are signed! Why would you-"

"Okay what is so urgent that you drag me away from a game of don't drop the rubber band ball with Flack, which I must say, we were about to break a world record?"

Lindsay glanced up and saw Austin coming into the office, looking disheveled and annoyed.

"Oh. Danny if you're-"

He was already out the door, closing it behind him and shooting a smirk over his shoulder as he walked down the hallway.

"I think he's been conspiring with the kids."

Austin didn't say anything for a moment, just sat down in Danny's chair and shuffled the papers on his desk while Lindsay tried to think of what to say.

"Lin, what happened?"

"I'm sorry. I was so overwhelmed with everything and I just… blew up. It wasn't your fault."

"Are you sure that's all it was?"

"Yes. No. I don't know right now."

"Thanks for the clarification."

"Austin I really am sorry. I can't make excuses because I shouldn't have said what I said, period. You're right about everything you said about Avery and I'm glad you said it because now I know it's not just me."

"Linds, let's not worry about that for right now. You need to talk to me about what's going on with you."

"It's nothing more than I just said. I'll be fine once Adam comes home."

"I need to know if you would ever keep the kids from me. For real."

"Never. But I felt like that's what you wanted."

"Lin, why would I ever want that? In a million years why would I ever want that?"

"I don't know."

Austin gave a wry chuckle then sat up, leaning across the desks a little, her eyes wide as she spoke.

"Lin, I love you with all my heart but you are insane."

"I try not to be," Lindsay chuckled. "I'm just overwhelmed and tired and overly-sensitive and… well I'm sure you haven't forgotten your first-hand experience with all my current afflictions."

"Not yet, but what do you say we forget the whole thing and have a family dinner tonight and make Danny do the dishes and you and I can start the conversation over again?"

"Okay."

"I love you even when you're a lunatic."

"Thanks for putting up with me."

"You put up with a lot more than I do."

"That would make me a saint and that's not possible because I look terrible in a halo."

Austin snorted and flicked a wadded up straw wrapper across the desk at Lindsay.

"Come over at six. I'll order something so I don't accidentally kill y'all."

"Thanks Aust."

* * *

"Dunner!"

"Binyin!"

"Our plan worked Dunner! The rascals and their advice saved us!"

The boys ran into each other's arms, whooping and hollering excitedly, then dancing around in a circle together.

"I telled my mama that her and your ma were like Spanky and Falafel!"

"I told my ma that too! And she said to me "Daniel it's more complicated than that." And then I looked at her face and said to her that the word complicated is a cop-out. Then she told me to go to my room."

"Wow. The things we do to get these crazy womens back to bein' best friends. I think we deserve to play something real good before dinner."

"Yeah! Come with me, I got something awesome that my daddy got for me at the store! My ma said it was junk."

"What mama's say is junk is the best toys ever!"

They took off into Junior's room with the older kids trailing after them and Avery running along, screaming in excitement with both arms raised over her head.

"Oh my word," Austin started, watching Avery thump out of the room. "That child is so chunky."

"I know. She's the shortest and fattest kid in her tumbling class and also the only one that's about to burst out of her leotard."

"What does Ben call it again?" Danny asked with a chuckle.

"Her Leonardo. He got upset the other day because he didn't have a special Leonardo suit to wear."

"Where was he plannin' on wearing it to?"

"He said a place where he needed to look "special sportin'."

"How did you not laugh?"

"I didn't say I didn't laugh. But then he took the leotard and tried to put it on while Colton laughed himself into a gagging fit and Avery cried her eyes out and Adam was watching the whole thing on Skype and I couldn't tell if he was amused or horrified."

"I'm horrified just hearin' about it," Danny laughed. "Maybe Ben will grow up to be in the Ice-Capades."

"Oh no, don't say that! I don't want to have to keep making up Scott Hamilton jokes."

"Linds, you're the only person in the world that can come up with the name of a male figure skater at the drop of a hat."

"The 1984 Olympics were the highlight of my preschool days."

"And you wonder how your kids ended up so weird."

"Nah, I don't wonder anymore."

"Alright why don't you two ladies take a load off while I go make dinner?"

"Make dinner?" Austin asked, raising both eyebrows and tossing a worn couch pillow at him. "Unless your name is head chef at Wah Hings, you didn't make dinner."

"Fine, I'll heat up dinner."

He disappeared into the kitchen and the girls dropped onto the couch.

"It's weird without Elvis here," Lindsay said after a moment, missing the old greyhound curling up at her feet.

"Yeah. I miss him."

"Have you thought about getting another dog?"

"I thought about it. I don't know. He was my first baby. It just seems wrong to get another dog."

"I haven't seen you look this sad in a long time."

"I haven't been this sad in a long time."

"That dog grew up with you. He was the first thing that was all yours and he never left you."

"You're going to make me miss him more."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Moving on. You gonna survive the next week?"

"Yeah. Three down one to go. Doesn't seem as bleak as it did a while ago."

"You're doing a good job."

Lindsay gave a snort and shook her head.

"I am a great actress. I'm really barely holding it together."

"How come?"

"I don't know. I think because the kids miss him so much and ask for him every day. It's hard to see them upset."

"Why didn't you tell me you weren't doing so good?"

"Because."

"Well that's a good reason."

"I'm sorry. I just don't like being needy all the time."

"You're not needy, Lindsay."

"Well I don't like feeling like I am even if I'm not."

"I can't wait until Adam gets back and you return to normal."

"I signed Avery up for a full year of gymnastics," Lindsay said, changing the subject. "She wants to go every day and she's finally figured out how to do a somersault so she's really excited about that."

"She's going to love it. Maybe it will help her shed a few of those pesky holiday pounds."

Lindsay chuckled and pulled her feet up onto the couch.

"Apparently I was built like a tank when I was little too so I'm not worried about her. She does pat her stomach and call herself chunky all the time, but I think she just likes to watch it jiggle."

"She is so odd."

"And bratty."

"I never said that."

"I know. I said it. I've been noticing it a lot. And she's been getting a lot of time outs, but she's different than the boys were and it is so much easier to give in to her. I might tell her that she can't have whatever it is she's raging about, but instead of punishing her for throwing a fit I pick her up and hold her and make her think it's okay. And I have got to figure out how to stop doing that."

"You're such a softy."

"I know. I try really hard. Plus she's going back and forth on potty training and I don't know if she's ready yet."

"You want to know my honest opinion that doesn't change my view of you at all?"

"What?"

"I think she might be ready but you're not because she's your last baby and you want to savor it while you can, even if it means dirty diapers and a screaming kid, you want to baby her as much as you can."

"You're right."

"There's no harm in wanting her to stay little but you can't avoid encouraging her to grow up."

Before Lindsay could answer Avery ran into the room and hopped onto the couch between them, out of breath.

"Mama."

"Avery."

"I sing daddy."

"You want to sing to daddy?"

"Yes. Please?"

"How about after dinner?"

"No mama. I sing daddy now."

"Daddy's still working. So you can sing to him after dinner or you can sing to him right before bed. Those are your choices."

"After dinner," she sighed, dropping her shoulders. "Avery Grace make song."

"You made up a song to sing to your daddy?" Austin asked with a giggle.

"Yes! It pretty. Daddy love it."

"I'm sure he will."

Avery nodded proudly and sighed a little, lost in a thought.

"Mama?"

"Yes dear?"

"Me Avery Grace. But… Isa Grace?"

"Yes, you have the same middle name."

"Sarah Claire?"

"She has a different middle name."

She sucked in her bottom lip and knitted her eyebrows together in confusion.

"Isa Grace, Avery Grace."

"Don't forget Austin Grace," Lindsay reminded, tucking Avery's hair behind her ear.

"Au'tin Grace too? Oh my."

Austin laughed and pulled Avery into her arms, kissing her cheeks and pulling gently on her curls.

"Do you know why your mama and daddy gave you the same middle name as me?"

"Uh, nope!"

"Because they knew you were going to be as crazy as I am."

"That's not the reason," Lindsay chuckled. "Although, a very valid point."

"Averylin don't you want to play?" Sarah asked, pirouetting into the room. "I was going to teach you to point your toes and no sickled feet."

"Sarah, I cuddle now."

"Oh. Okay. Well then I will join you. Auntie I would like to sit in your lap if that's okay."

"Sure that's okay. Come here and tell me about ballet class."

"Oh it is so much fun! I can't wait until I get older when I can do pointe. And sometime I will make up a dance all by myself. It's called… um… choreography!"

"I bet you would be good at that. Now when do we get to watch you dance?"

"Well… you see here's the thing Auntie. I really do love to dance. But you see… I don't want anyone to watch me."

"How come?"

"Well my teacher explained it really good. She said that when I dance it's like writing in a diary. Because that's how I learn um… my emotions. And you wouldn't want people to read your diary would you?"

"No, I guess I wouldn't. That's okay sweetie. It's good for you to have a special thing that's just your own."

"So you don't want to see me dance?"

"Oh, I would love to see you dance sweetie, but only if that was okay with you."

"Maybe someday."

"Okay."

"Now, I would like to say that I am proud of you two ladies for becoming friends again."

"We weren't ever not friends, Sarah Claire," Austin explained. "Sometimes you just need a break from each other."

"Then I am glad the break is over. Now I just wish for Uncle Adam to come back so life will be normal again."

"Adam my daddy!" Avery said, perking up. "He fly on plane!"

"You're right, he's coming home in one week."

"Daddy be home. All be well."

"That's right Averylin. When we are all together, those are the happiest days of my life."


	245. Chapter 245

"I see plane! Daddy in it!" Avery squealed, waving frantically as she watched the plane overhead. "Him wave back to Avery!"

"Sissy, you been sayin' that about every…" Ben trailed off. He wanted to tell her that there was no way she could see someone waving back but he also knew that would make her upset and mama had said no fighting today.

"I mean, that's cool sissy, that daddy waved back! I can't wait to see him, can you?"

"No, I not wait. I hug him so most."

"Me too! I can't wait until he picks me up in his strong arms and hugs me and kisses my face with his scratchy beard. That is so much fun."

"Yay for daddy!" Avery shouted, jumping up and down with so much exuberance that her jean skirt eventually fell down around her ankles.

"Whoops sissy. Your enthusiasm gived your skirt a run for its money."

Avery laughed and Ben helped her back into her clothes, then hugged her tightly.

"I love you sissy."

"I love you too Ben."

"Let's go by the car to wait for mama and Cole."

"No Ben. Mama say on porch."

"Oh yeah. I forgot. Thanks for tellin' me sissy. Hey mama and Cole, hurry up so we can go to the airport and fetch our daddy!"

"I only just now found the shoes I wanted," Colton explained coming out onto the porch and letting the screen door slam behind him. "Otherwise I would have been ready long ago."

"Where did you find your shoes?"

"One was under my bed. The other one was with the stuffed animals in Aves's room. I looked there a lot but I guess I didn't look hard enough."

"Where's mama?"

"She's doin' her make-up. To impress daddy."

Ben cackled and shook his head.

"Don't she know she already 'pressed him for good?"

"I guess a lady just has to remind herself that some dude loves her."

"Oh. Well that's weird. Is she almost done?"

"I hope so. It's almost time to go."

"Mama! Hurry!" Avery shouted, pounding on her chest like Tarzan. "We go!"

"Okay, I'm coming."

She opened the front door and stepped onto the porch while the boys both gasped and Avery squealed in delight.

"Oh mama. You look so splendid," Ben said, looking at her with a smile. "You're really gonna 'press daddy like that!"

"Like what?"

"Mama, you really outdone yourself. You are so beautiful! And your hair is so different than normal too!"

"It's not different."

"It is! You made yourself extra pretty for daddy! You're wearin' a dress!"

"I did not make myself pretty and I am wearing a dress because it's hot out. Now get in the car."

"You tryin' to get daddy to fall in love with you again?"

"No, Benjamin. I'm not doing anything," she answered, helping the kids to buckle themselves into their seats.

"Is this why you was usin' that rock to scrub your feets and make them soft? Because you wanted to 'press daddy with your smooth feets?"

"Ben-"

"And why you put on that perfume in the really pretty bottle?" Colton added, his eyebrow raised.

"And why your fingernails is painted a pretty color?"

"And the reason you been singin' all day long?"

Lindsay sighed and looked at all three kids for a moment.

"You know how much you guys miss daddy? Well I miss him about ten times more than that."

With that, she gave them all a grin, shut the door and climbed into the front seat, adjusting the mirror and allowing a quick glance at herself before starting the car. Maybe she'd gone a little overboard, but for some reason seeing him today was making her as nervous and giddy as she had been right before their first date.

"How long until the airport? I am dyin' back here!"

"Ben, don't be dramatic. It not that far."

"It feels like a journey of a thousand miles what beginned with one small step."

"The phrase is "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"" Colton corrected.

"Well I was quotin' a different phrase, Cole."

"No squat with spurs on!" Avery hollered with a laugh. "Avery squat."

"Yeah, when you're goin' number two in your diaper."

"Yes, Avery do that."

Lindsay laughed and glanced back in the rearview mirror as the kids started a friendly game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. They'd been happy and agreeable all morning, even at times when they could have thrown tantrums or gotten into fights, they'd just seemed to move on and forget about being frustrated. She knew it was just because they were happy that Adam was coming home, but it didn't stop her from wishing that every day could be like this.

"We're to the airport everybody! Mama don't drive by it! We gotta get daddy!"

"I'm not going to drive by it Ben, I'm just finding better parking."

"Okay but I am just really excited out of my mind about seein' my daddy. Aren't you excited Cole?"

Colton nodded vigorously, bouncing up and down in his seat.

"I missed daddy so, so much! My chest feels all explodey because I'm excited."

"How 'bout you, sissy? You excited to see daddy?"

"Oh yes. Daddy play. And we eat! Go out to a place."

"Mama, sissy wants to go to a restaurant. Can we?"

"Maybe. Let's see what daddy thinks."

"Daddy always thinks yes for stuffs like that sissy," Ben assured with a nod of his head. "We is gonna be drinkin' outta straws in no time!"

Avery clapped and laughed while Colton pointed out all the parking spaces that Lindsay was driving by. He was getting visibly frustrated but she needed to find a space with no car on either side because it was much easier to get the kids in and out that way. Finally she found one and parked the car, begging the kids not to undo their seatbelts until she'd actually turned the car off.

"Now listen to me you three. Before we go in we need some rules."

"Oh man!"

"There will be absolutely no running away from mama. There will be nothing but nice indoor voices, and there will be no arguing with each other. I reserve the right to modify or add to these rules at any time. Is that understood?"

"Yes mama."

She helped them out of the car, then took Ben and Avery's hands, directing Colton to walk on the other side of Avery and to keep close.

"It is really crowded in here," Ben whimpered when they stepped into the airport. "I don't like this mama."

"I know baby. We're going to find a quieter place to wait for daddy."

Ben gripped her hand tighter and all three kids seemed to suction to her side as they made their way through the throngs of people to the far side of baggage claim where they found a few empty chairs.

"This is so much noise," Ben said, burying her face in Lindsay's shoulder. "I wanna get daddy but I don't wanna do it here."

"It's okay honey. I'm right here."

"But it's just so many-"

"DADDY!"

Colton bolted out of his seat and ran across the room while Avery screamed in delight and toddled after him. Ben hesitated slightly then screamed with laughter and ran for Adam too. Lindsay watched as Adam knelt down and hugged all three kids tightly, not wanting to let them go. They laughed and hugged him back, chattering about everything he had missed and how excited they were that he was finally home. After a long while he stood up, lifting Avery into his arms while the boys grabbed onto his legs, giggling as he slowly made his way across the large room.

"I think they're glad to see you," Lindsay remarked with a smile.

"Well I am awesome after all."

She laughed as he set Avery down and walked towards her, pulling her into his arms and kissing her deeply.

"Dearlin' you are a sight for sore eyes."

"Mama got extra pretty for you daddy!"

"I did not. I'm just naturally like this."

"Blushing?"

"Okay, that's enough."

He laughed and kissed her again, longer this time until the kids started complaining that it was gross and taking forever.

"I'm glad you're home."

"I'm glad too, and I never want to stay in a hotel again. Have you noticed how boring they are when you're alone?"

"I suppose so. Let's get your stuff and get out of here. Ben doesn't like all the people."

He nodded and she bent down to pick up Avery, who was suddenly interested in the dirt on the floor and melted into a sobbing pile of toddler when she was taken away from it.

"Mine!"

"No, it's not yours. We don't play with all the dirt and junk on the floor in a public place."

"Unless we want to get scabies."

"Adam!"

"Hey, you know you were thinking it."

* * *

"Mama? Daddy? Are you two okay?" Colton asked, knocking on their door.

"We're fine."

"We heared a big thump noise!" Ben added, rapping his knuckles against the door. "Did ya fall outta bed?"

"Um… yeah."

"Well why did you do that?"

There was silence from the bedroom and he pressed his ear to the door, wrinkling his nose.

"Hello in there!"

"Um, we were wrestling."

"Yeah, daddy tickled me too much and um… we fell off our bed."

"You are supposed to be takin' naps! You said it was family nap time!"

"Okay we'll go to sleep."

The boys turned and went back down to their own room, shaking their heads the whole way.

"Boy, it sure is a lot of work having parents."

"I know what you mean Ben. Sometimes they forget what they are supposed to be doing."

"Ain't that the truth."

"You know what Ben? Since they aren't havin' a nap, maybe we don't have to either. Maybe we could go downstairs and play!"

"Are you sure we won't get in trouble Cole?"

"Um… maybe if we're real quiet. We could play Checkers."

"But you always win me at that game!"

"Because you need more practice. Let's play it but we won't let any of the games count. Okay?"

"Alright."

They made their way downstairs and found the game in the cupboard then set it up on the coffee table.

"Hey Cole?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"Is there anything I gotta be worried about for kindergarten?"

Colton tapped his chin in thought as he moved his first piece on the board.

"I don't know Ben. Kindergarten was one of the best things in my life."

"But what if someone pours glue in my hair?"

"Junior will beat them up and mama will get the glue out."

"What if I am stupid?"

"Benjamin we don't say stupid in this house. You are not stupid. You are very smart."

"I am?"

"Yes. That's why I like to talk to you. You aren't a baby like Aves. You're smart and you're nice and you're funny. That's all the things you need to be in kindergarten."

Ben sat back on the floor and stared and the game-board, deep in thought.

"Are you sure? I want to make friends like you did. And I want my teacher to like me. And I don't want lots of homework."

"You don't get homework in kindergarten, Ben. Don't worry about it. You were good in preschool and you will be good in kindergarten too."

"What if I get scared?"

"You will have Junior with you. That won't be scary. Plus I will be in the same school, just a different classroom. If you are really scared or worried you can tell your teacher and she will let you go to the office and then I will come there and talk to you. They let Sarah and Isa do that before, and some other kids in my class too. Nothing will be bad in kindergarten Ben. You will have a lot of fun."

"Okay Cole, if you say so. But now what about sissy? She will be here all by herself with no one to play with."

"Ben, if you haven't noticed, Aves likes that. Because she gets mama or daddy all to herself and she gets to be the center of attention."

"Why is that girl like that way she is?"

"I don't know Ben but she sure is weird."

"I'm hungry. Lunch was a long time ago. Do you think we could find something to make for dinner?"

"I bet so! Let's go look for something."

They ran into the kitchen and started opening drawers and cupboards, looking for anything that resembled a ready made meal. The noise must have woken Avery up because it wasn't long before she strutted into the room, rubbing her eyes and smiling.

"Hello boys," she greeted. "What doin'?"

"We're findin' something to make for dinner. Cole! I finded macaroni and cheese!"

"That's great Ben. But I don't know if I can make that. Maybe I will get on the computer real quick because mama found that place that has all the safety rules. You get out the milk and butter and I will be right back."

He ran out of the room and to the computer, shaking the mouse until the screen came on, then carefully typing in the password. Avery pulled up a chair and sat next to him, her hands clasped in her lap.

"Oh look! We get a call!" she said, pointing to the flashing Skype icon. Colton clicked on it and found all three Messer kids staring back at him.

"Hey guys! What's up?" he asked, giggling at the pipe cleaner in Isa's hair.

"We're playing but we wanted to call you kids for a while. What is going on at your house?"

"Well mama and daddy are taking a nap and me and Ben are making some dinner, and Aves is sitting here next to me chewing on mama's pen."

"I wanna see Binyin, where is he?"

"In the kitchen. Hey Ben! Messers are on Skype!"

"Okay!"

"Aren't you gonna come in here?"

"I can't 'zactly do that at the moment Cole. You see I am havin' what we call a problem."

"Aves, go check on Ben."

Avery obediently climbed off the chair and skipped into the kitchen, her eyes growing wide at what she saw.

"Uh… Coley! Help!"

Colton sped into the kitchen, stopping in his tracks when he came across Ben, who was hanging upside down, the belt loop on his jeans having been caught on the drawer pull.

"Ben. What happened?"

"Cole, I don't wanna talk about it."

"But why were you up on the counter?"

"I don't got time to 'splain! Just go get mama!"

"Okay!"

Colton zoomed out of the room again while the Messers hooted and hollered from the computer.

"What is happening to Benjamin? Is he injured?" Sarah asked, her voice full of distress.

Avery crouched down on the floor and patted Ben's head, trying to comfort him.

"Um sissy, I am happy that you are bein' all nice to me, but the fact remains that you smell real bad, like a dirty diaper and cheese. So if you could back away a little, that would be great."

Avery shuffled back and sighed, shaking her head.

"Oh Ben. This bad."

"I know it's bad. Don't ever get up on the counter like what I done. Because now I am stuck upside down with my bottom showing."

Avery snickered.

"Ben what are you doing?" Lindsay asked as she came into the room.

"I'm just hanging!"

Adam started to laugh but Lindsay shot him a look and unhooked Ben's pants from the drawer.

"Thanks mama. I thought I was gonna be there 'til I was a old man and then my beard would grow upside down!"

"How did you manage to get caught on the drawer?"

"It all happened so fast…"

"Why were you up on the counter?"

"I can't tell you that mama. It's embarrassin'. And the Messers is on Skype and they will hear it."

"Hello Ross peoples! Did Ben die?"

"No Isa!" Avery answered, running to the computer. "Ben fall up-a-down. Mama save him. He better now."

"Oh. Did he get hurt?"

"Nope!"

"Well that's not very exciting," Isa sighed, shaking her head. "It sounded excitin' a minute ago."

"Boys, what were you going to do with this box of macaroni?"

"Uh-oh. Boys in trouble. Gotta go!"

* * *

"I knew they weren't going to sleep in their own beds tonight," Lindsay whispered, running her fingers through Avery's hair.

"I thought we were in the clear for a while."

"Leave it up to Ben to upset that perfect bed-time balance we had going on."

"I didn't know that when he said he wanted to sleep "wiff daddy" he meant that he wanted to be surgically attached to me."

"He's sleeping now, you could move him."

"I tried. He just grabbed on tighter. I think I am missing some skin now."

"He loves you."

"And yet I am certain I will wake up with his foot jammed into my face."

"Hey, Avery's not much better. I woke up a few days ago and found her actually in my shirt. While I was still wearing it."

"Do you think they have separation anxiety or are they just weird?"

"They're just weird. Look at their parents."

"Point taken."

"Speaking of which, my shoulder still hurts."

"You need to learn how to land, babe."

"Maybe you should give me a warning that we're about to fall. Not landing on top of me might be prudent as well."

"Are you telling me to take lessons?"

She stayed quiet and he laughed at the look on her face.

"Okay then. Now that we've had an embarrassing moment that we will never tell anyone about, we can move on."

"I like this idea."

"Speaking of ideas, I had one-"

"No."

"You didn't even hear it!"

"No. No more ideas of yours for a long, long time."

"Even if it's-"

"No."

"Lindsay!"

"Veto!"

"You just vetoed yourself."

"Did not."

"I said your name and you vetoed it therefore you vetoed yourself and you cannot reject my idea."

"Fine."

"I was thinking that after we get back from our camping trip we should take the kids to the water park."

"Okay how come when I preemptively strike down one of your ideas it always turns out to be a good one but when I trust you with an idea it's something like "I'm going to leave for a month." That's not fair."

"Neither is that stupid voice you do when you're irritated at me. You make me sound like Scooby-Doo's grandpa."

Lindsay snorted and turned her face into the pillow so she wouldn't wake the kids.

"Adam, you make me really happy."

"Usually after I make you crazy."

"At least you redeem yourself."

He smiled and reached across the kids to take her hand in his.

"I'm never leaving again."


	246. Chapter 246

"Well, this stinks."

"Yeah, it kind of does."

"How did you get stuck with being responsible for yearly cleanings? You're not an underling."

Lindsay shrugged and scrubbed at the filter, making sure it was spotless before replacing it in the machine.

"I think I made Mac mad once and the punishment just stuck."

"And how did I get stuck helping you?"

"Because you love me."

"You look funny with goggles babe."

"C'mere and kiss me."

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her, only stopping when he heard a throat clearing behind him.

"You two really need an intervention," Danny commented, his arms crossed over his chest. "C'mon Cupcake."

"C'mon where?"

"Got a scene."

"Hey wait a minute! You two have a scene and I have to stay here and clean the lab?" Lindsay screeched, obviously annoyed.

"That seems to be the case, Montana."

She narrowed her eyes at both of them as they left the lab.

"So that's going to backfire later."

"Probably. And you don't have to live with her."

"Watch your step buddy."

They laughed and made their way out of the lab, grabbing their kits on the way. Adam had been out in the field pretty often, almost enough to be field rated, and while everyone else was encouraging him to go for it, he was pretty happy with his Emperor of the Lab status. It wasn't settling really, it was just what he preferred.

"So how was that camping vacation?" Danny asked as he started the SUV and started to drive out of the parking garage.

"It wasn't bad. Lindsay taught the boys how to fish and how to shoot a bow and arrow and how to ride horses and Avery and I gathered sticks."

"That's quite the role reversal."

"I know. Then they went into town to get more tackle and she brought me back an apron because I was making dinner that night. We didn't speak for a few hours."

"Well you sure showed her."

"She also got the smallest piece of chicken and then the apron went in the garbage."

"At least you two have a system that works."

"Yeah. And I couldn't stay mad at her the next morning when she went out and stood in the middle of the lake with waders on."

"What was she doing?"

"Letting the fish acclimate to her before she tried to catch them. Mostly she was doing it to make me laugh."

"She's weird."

"She knows. But you know, your wife is pretty weird too."

"I sometimes forget because nothing she does surprises me anymore."

"The kids take after both of them too. It's really dangerous being us."

"I know. Bein' away sucked really bad no matter how crazy it is here though right?"

"Yeah it did. So where are we headed?"

"Pretty far north. I don't know what we're getting into, it sounds like someone found a body, but I don't know how decomposed it is or anything like that. Hawkes left a few minutes ago, he should beat us there."

"I'm getting the feeling it's going to be a long day."

"You ain't gonna be squeamish are you?"

"I've seen bodies before."

"I know, I know. I'm just asking if you're used to it enough that you can do your job."

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Believe me, seeing a body is not usually as bad for me as all the trace I have to sift through sometimes."

"But if you didn't do it, who would?"

"Maybe one of those new interns."

"Yeah right. I wouldn't trust them with my coffee much less important evidence. Is it just me or are they gettin' worse every year?"

"I don't know, we've got a few good ones. But there are definitely some in there that desperately need to go back to school. I wonder if anyone thought that about us."

"I still think that about you man."

"Thanks a lot, Danny."

* * *

"Body hasn't been here very long," Hawkes reported, circling the body for what felt like the tenth time in the last minute. Adam was getting dizzy just watching him. "She's badly decomposed from the weather, but I don't see any signs of animal disturbance."

"Any guesses on age?" Danny asked, adjusting the settings on his camera and taking preliminary shots.

"I'd say early twenties but I'll know more once we get her back to the morgue."

"C.O.D.?"

"Not sure yet."

They continued to converse back and forth about the body while Adam opened his kit and took a quick inventory of everything he had, then started a sheet to keep track of numbered pieces of evidence. It was tedious and precise work, as was everything in relation to this job, but it did help him to keep his mind focused on one thing.

"Hey yo Cupcake, you payin' attention?"

"Eventually whatever you two said will catch up with me."

"Right, right. You wanna bag her hands and feet? I don't wanna lose anything."

Adam nodded and started the process of preserving evidence at the same time as he was collecting it. Yawning, he shook his head and tried to wake up a little. There had been a few peaceful hours of sleep until a noise downstairs had woken both him and Lindsay up. In a sleepy panic they'd both rushed downstairs to find Ben sitting on the couch in his underwear, eating chips and watching an infomercial about timeshares. He'd greeted them happily and informed them that he was thinking about getting himself one of those time shares and if they could start giving him an allowance he might be able to afford it. It took almost a half an hour to convince him that he couldn't afford one, nor should he be awake at two in the morning, and then another half hour to pull themselves away from the next infomercial on some kitchen gadget that they had never thought about needing but suddenly couldn't live without. Once Ben was back in bed, there had been a little argument about money and who was a penny pincher and who spent too much and the conclusion drawn was that they just needed to stop watching TV late at night. It was almost four in the morning before they made it back to sleep.

It was a long and tedious process to gather and inventory all the evidence and there was even more to be done once the body was moved, and it was well after lunchtime when they headed back to the lab. Danny was grumpy from the heat of the day and Adam was still tired so they stayed quiet the whole way, neither one really feeling like starting a conversation. The air conditioning in the lab was a welcome feeling and they both perked up quite a bit when they stepped off the elevator with the boxes of evidence.

"Whoa. Montana, what happened to you?"

"That machine over there? It's evil. It spits fire."

"Oh does it?"

"No. I just forgot to close the valve before I put new chemical in and it took me forever to clean it up and Mac just stood there and laughed at me because he's a jerk."

"Sweetie I love you but-"

"I know, I stink. I'm going to change right now and don't you two dare laugh at me."

"You have goggles marks on your face!"

"Adam you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"I'll watch infomercials then."

She rolled her eyes and headed off for the locker rooms while Danny and Adam took over a light table in the layout room. They started to organize all the tagged evidence in numeric order, just to keep things easier, checking it off on their list as they went.

"I think we got everything. Divide it down the middle?"

"Yeah sure."

They split up the evidence and started to work in silence, sharing only pertinent information as they came across it. By the time they thought they were done, the clothes were coming up from the morgue, so they had even more to catalogue, making them both cranky and further away from a meal.

"Hey boys, we got an ID," Austin announced, poking her head in the door. "Victoria Jessen, she's 28. No missing persons report on her, had to get dental records. You find anything?"

"Nope," they answered together.

"Ooh, you two sound like Daniel and Ben when they can't get their video games to work. Bad day?"

They both gave non-committal grunts and Austin rolled her eyes.

"Okay, I'll just leave this here and hope you two have gotten over your moodiness by dinnertime. Remember you promised we'd all go out?"

They both groaned and she chuckled, shaking her head.

"I'll see you later boys."

* * *

"Mama and daddy are home!" Ben shouted, running down the stairs and crashing into their legs with a squeal. "I'm so excited! Did you think about my allowance? Can I buy that timeshare in the place what's called Santorini?"

"No you may not," Lindsay chuckled, lifting him up and kissing his cheek. "But you can buy a timeshare right in this house."

"I just need a place to escape all the hustle and bustle. A place to be alone with my thoughts."

"Have you tried the coat closet?" Adam asked.

"Yes but there is shoes in there what aren't comfy to sit on. Is there a timeshare in this house for real mama?"

"I'll find you one okay? You can pay me in hugs and kisses."

"I think I could do that, least until I can make my own way in the world. Maybe until next year when I am a little older and wiser. Hey Cole! Mama's gonna sell me a timeshare right here in this very house! I only gots to pay her in lovin'!"

"No Avery!" came a holler from upstairs. "You don't have a diaper on!"

Despite Freddie's protests, Avery came bolting down the stairs anyway, obviously in the middle of a diaper change.

"Ah mama!" she screamed happily, holding onto the handrail and trying to shuffle down the stairs. "Mama! Avery go potty!"

"Where did you go potty?"

"My diaper!"

"Well honey I would be proud of you but you're supposed to go in the potty."

"Oh."

A diaper came whizzing down the stairs and Avery laughed hysterically, clapping her hands as Adam put it on her.

"Super diaper!"

"Freddie, we're going out to dinner. Want to come?"

"No thanks, Peaches. I got a date."

"What? Shut the front door."

Avery slammed the door and clapped for herself, not understanding that the expression was one of surprise, not a command.

"What, you think I'm too old and senile to get a date?"

"Yes, actually I do."

He came down the stairs and flicked her on the forehead.

"You're a brat Lindsay."

"I love you too. Thanks for watching the kids."

"I would say that it keeps me young, but I don't want you to have the last word in this conversation."

"I will respect your decision. Kids, say bye to Freddie and make sure you're super sweet about it or he won't come and watch you tomorrow and then I will have to miss work and Mac will ground all three of you."

They knew she was teasing but they obeyed anyway, giving Freddie lots of hugs and telling him how much they loved him before he finally made his way out the door.

"Alright munchkins, this mama needs to go shower very badly before we leave, so you need to clean up your messes and find your shoes, pronto."

"But mama!" Colton started with a whine.

"Yes?"

"I didn't have an argument I was just hopin' that if I said that you would change your mind."

"Doubtful. Get moving."

He groaned but went off to clean up the arts and crafts mess he'd made all over the coffee table while Ben and Avery set to work cleaning up their farm set.

"Adam?"

"Hmm?"

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just… I need a shower too."

"Well I'll be done in five minutes."

"Did you not understand my eyebrow waggle or are you ignoring it?"

"Ignoring, and taking ten minutes."

He chuckled and watched her go up the stairs, then walked into the other room to help the kids. For some reason the case this morning had put a bad taste in his mouth and it was really weighing on his mind. There were very few answers and they had an interview scheduled with the victim's estranged husband in the morning, but there wasn't very much more to look forward to than that.

"Hey daddy, me and Uncle Freddie started making this thing today," Colton started, showing him the shoebox diorama. "It's a battle from the Civil War. I found the picture in a book."

"That looks awesome bud. What do you have left to do to it?"

"We're going to make some cannons and some more people I think. And then I am going to write something about the Civil War and type it on the computer then glue it to the back."

"Sounds like homework."

"No, it's not homework, I made myself do this."

Adam chuckled and looked the project over, impressed with Colton's enthusiasm for something resembling schoolwork in the summer.

"Daddy, Cole wouldn't let me touch his project so me and sissy had to play farm. But then we needed a bigger barn so Freddie helped us make one from the Legos. It has two stories and it gots a place for barnyard dancin'! That's when the cows and horses dance together I think."

"Sounds like you guys had a lot more fun today than I did."

"Yep we did! Now what are we going to do?"

"We're going out for dinner so that means you need to be on your best behavior."

"I don't got no other behavior but my bestest," Ben assured with a smile.

"Does that include the time you flinged butter across the table and hit mama in the face?" Colton asked with a wrinkled nose.

"No, that wouldn't be includin' that time," Ben said, hanging his head. "And we don't talk 'bout stuff like that, Cole."

Adam laughed and helped them clean up the rest of their toys, then turned on the radio while they found their shoes.

"We dance it out!" Avery exclaimed with a grin, shaking herself in a way that was supposed to resemble dance. "We spin 'round like this!"

"I'm not gonna spin 'round like that sissy. I don't wanna fall on my tushie like how you did."

"Okay Ben. Hold my hands. We dance. Come here now."

Ben sighed and took Avery's hands and they hopped and spun around the room, laughing as they crashed into the couch.

"You two look like Danny Zuko and Cha-Cha at Riddel High," Lindsay laughed as she came downstairs.

"Nah, I don't think they're that bad," Adam argued. "At least Avery's wearing appropriate clothing."

"She has no pants on!"

"I'll let you deal with that while I go get ready."

"I expect nothing less from you."

* * *

"And then after that daddy smushed his thumb with the hammer and he said a swear and mama got mad at him and then he said something to her what I didn't understand and they runned into the house laughin'. So then it was just us kids outside and sissy tasted all the nails what we had and me and Cole practiced poundin' them into a piece of wood what was leftover. And then after that, daddy came back and got after us for usin' all the nails what were supposed to be for our fort. And Cole said that we wouldn'ta done it but we didn't know how long him and mama were gonna be inside flirtin'. And then-"

"Oh my word!" Isa cut in dramatically. "Ben Ross, the kid who never shuts his face!"

"Isabeth," Danny and Austin warned together.

"He hasn't stopped talking since we got here! He even talked too much to the waiter!"

"I'm a friendly kid!" Ben defended, crossing his arms. "I just want people to feel happy 'round me!"

"Well I don't feel happy around you because you talk too much!"

"Maybe you don't talk enough Isa!"

"Maybe that's 'cuz I can't get no words in edgewise because you're carryin' on so much!"

"Well I just gots more to say than you do and that's nothin' for you to be jealous about."

"I ain't jealous Ben Ross! You take that back! I would never be jealous of a preschooler!"

"I'm almost in kindergarten!"

"Kids-"

"Well maybe in kindergarten they will teach you to shut up!"

"Isabeth!"

"You're mean Isa! Real mean and nobody likes you!"

"Benjamin!"

The rest of the kids sat there silently, unsure of what side to take in the matter. Isa and Ben were both crying tears of anger now and Isa looked like she was ready to hit someone.

"People do like me Ben!"

"Nu-uh! Cole is the only friend you got because you're too mean to everyone else! Mean and bossy!"

Lindsay stood up from the table and walked over to Ben, pulling him out of his chair despite his protests, and taking him away from the table.

"Benjamin, that is no way to talk to your friend."

"She's not my friend mama! She's not! She is mean and rude."

"Ben-"

"You didn't hear what she said to me!"

"Yes I did, but no matter what she said to you, that was no reason to talk to her the way that you did."

"But she was being mean!"

"I know she was. But you know better than that. You need to apologize."

"It's not fair! You and Austin fighted and you didn't have to say sorry or talk to each other!"

"Ben, I'm your mother."  
"Well I hope to be a mother someday so I can always be right!"

He sobbed and hugged her tightly, burying his face in her stomach.

"Mama do I talk too much?"

"Sweetie, you don't talk too much unless you think you're talking too much okay?"

"Am I annoying?"

"No, you're not. I want you to apologize to Isa for what you said."

"But I felt it was true in my heart!"

"There are much nicer ways to say things like that, Ben."

"Like how?"

"Well… um… uh… what do you think?"

"Maybe I coulda said that it would be easier to be nice if she was nice too?"

"Yes, that's a very good way to say it. Now, are you sorry for what you said?"

"Yeah. I didn't really want to hurt her feelings, mama. Because then that makes me mean huh? And I am not a mean person."

"No, you're not."

"Okay, I am ready to apologize."

She took his hand and they went back to the table where Ben climbed into his chair and cleared his throat.

"Attention peoples! I would like to say something 'portant to Isa. Isa, I am very sorry for what I said to you. It was very mean of me and it wasn't the whole truth either. I don't think you're always mean, just sometimes. And you do got more friends than just Cole. You got me too. I will be your friend even if you think I talk too much. Can you forgive me for what I said to you?"

"Fine."

He nodded and sat back in his chair, then tipped his head to the side in question.

"Mama, she didn't say sorry to me."

"You don't worry about Isa, you just worry about you."

"But mama! It's only polite."

"Ben what did I just say?"

He sighed then looked over at Austin.

"Um, so is Isa not sorry?"

"She decided that she would rather take a punishment when we get home than say sorry to you."

"Oh. Well then that's that."

He went back to coloring on his menu as if nothing had happened while the other kids stayed quiet, treading lightly for fear of starting another fight.

"So it seems that our kids pick up on our faults pretty well," Lindsay said, running her finger around the top of her glass.

"Ben used the excuse that you and I never say sorry?"

"Yes he did. He's too smart for me sometimes."

"As long as you never let him know that."

"I'm still pretty good at covering it up. So what punishment did Isa take?"

"No music and no TV for a week."

"Man, she must really be morally against saying sorry."

"She's going to learn very fast that saying sorry would have been a lot easier. And at the end of the week she's still going to have to say it. Is Ben upset that she didn't?"

"No, he'd be crying if he was. I think he's just happy his part is over."

"This little slapped together family of ours ain't doing so good lately," Austin mused, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

"We're all just cranky. I think it's time for school to start so the kids can get out of the house more," Adam noted.

"I think we all need a change. And another beer might be nice."

"Danny I thought you said it tasted like skunk water."

"It did but now I'm slightly buzzed enough to not care."

"I wish there was a way to keep a buzz like that without having to choke down a bad beer."

"And if you ever wanted to sell that idea, all you would have to do is make the investors spend five minutes with these kids."

"It either makes us better people or it is going to make us die younger."

"I figure it's worth it either way."


	247. Chapter 247

A/N: I basically started this story just because I had the thought of Colton. And now… well he's not what I expected.

* * *

"Mama, I play outside okay? Okay."

"Avery you need to wait for me or Colton to go out with you."

There was a whiny sigh from the other room and the sound of Avery flopping to the floor in defeat. At least she wasn't screaming to get her way anymore, but the pouting was almost as irritating.

"Ben I don't wanna be by you! Let me do my own thing."

"But Cole, you promised we would play!"

"I don't want to play anymore, you're making me mad."

Lindsay could sense that Ben was about to burst into tears so she quickly dried her hands on the dishtowel and went into the other room.

"Colton, take your sister outside."

"Yay!" Avery squealed, jumping up and down. "Avery play outside!"

"I'm not taking her out there, I'm busy."

"Colton-"

"She's not my responsibility mama! You take her outside. You're the grown up!"

"Colton Matthew Ross, go to your room."

He stomped up the stairs while Ben whimpered and Avery stomped to the back door, very upset. All she wanted to do was collect bugs from the garden but apparently no one was going to let her do that today. She sat down on the floor and sniffled as Qwerty walked up to her, nudging her hand.

"Squirty, I play outside. You come?"

He laid down on the floor and she sighed, patting his head.

"Later Squirty. We play later."

She stayed like that for a while, then stood back up and went into the other room where Ben was moping and pacing across the room.

"Ben? You is okay?"

"No sissy, I'm real upset that Cole yelled at me."

"Yeah. That's bad. You play with me?"

"In a minute. I'm gonna go try and talk to my brother. You wait here. This might get messy."

He went upstairs and Avery wandered into the kitchen, pulling out the drawers and climbing up to sit on the counter.

"Hi mama."

"Hi baby."

"Ben and Coley is sad. Avery not. Avery be happy. Help mama clean dishes. Yes. That what I do."

"I would appreciate that very much honey."

Avery swished her hands around in the water and hummed to herself while Lindsay scrubbed at the dishes that had been left in the sink the night before.

"Um, mama?"

"Yeah?"

Avery was about to ask a question when the door opened and Adam came in.

"Oh daddy! Yay!"

She took a flying leap off the counter, her feet slapping against the floor as she dashed across the room and threw her arms around his legs.

"Daddy, I miss you! Let's go play!"

Adam swung her up into his arms and kissed her cheeks before cuddling her close.

"I want to talk to mama real quick, but as soon as I'm done I'll come upstairs and play with you. Dress-up?"

"Oh yes! I go get ready."

She ran upstairs while Adam crossed the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Lindsay's waist and pressing a kiss to the back of her head.

"Babe, have I told you lately how much I love you?"

"Yeah."

"Have I shown you?"

"Of course you have."

"Good. Because I really, really do love you."

"I really, really love you too. What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Adam."

"Remember the Victoria Jessen case?"

"A few weeks ago right?"

"Yeah. Turns out she was killed by her boyfriend. He beat her to death. She'd been cheating on her husband and came clean to him when the boyfriend started beating her and she wanted to go back home. He kicked her out and she felt that she had nowhere to go but to the boyfriend. Her husband still loves her and now he feels so guilty that he didn't forgive her, that he never told her that he still loved her. Talking to him today I just realized again that… babe, if I lost you, I would want you to know. Okay?"

"I know. But thank you for telling me again."

Ben came running down the stairs at that moment, tears streaming down his face.

"I need to be holded!" he exclaimed running for Lindsay and grabbing her legs tightly.

"What's the matter?"

"I can't tell you!"

"Well what happened?" she asked, crouching down to look him in the eye. He threw his arms around her neck and sobbed, whispering something that she couldn't understand.

"Baby, take a breath and tell me what's the matter."

"I can't tell. Cole sweared me to keep the secret!"

"Ben, is it something me and daddy need to know?"

"Yes, but I sweared on it! I sweared!"

"How did you swear, buddy?" Adam asked. The boys knew about keeping secrets, but he had no idea they knew about swearing on them.

"Cole told me to keep it a secret and I said okay and then he said to swear it so I said "crap and fart I promise" and now I sweared it and I can't tell!"

"What would happen if you tell?"

"Cole would hate me with his whole heart forever!" he wailed, rubbing his eyes. "I don't want my brother to hate me!"

"Sweetie, if it's something me and daddy need to know, then you should tell us. If Colton's going to be mad at you, then that's not fair."

Ben sniffled and used his shirt to blow his nose.

"Cole said that he was runnin' away because no one in this family wants him no more. And I said that I still want him and he said I don't count and that you hate him and he is going to leave to a place where he can be his own self and he is never coming back and he said to me that we will never see him again!"

"Okay, what happened around here today?" Adam asked, thoroughly confused.

"Cole doesn't wanna do what mama tells him to. Then he gets mad and says mean things and then he has to go to his room and then he wants to run away."

"I told him to take Avery outside and he got mad about it. Everything I've asked him to do today he's refused and said I'm the grown up so I should do it because he's just a kid," Lindsay explained, her feelings very obviously hurt.

"Cole says that mama doesn't love him and he just works here. And he's mad that he doesn't get paid to take care of me and sissy."

"He said that?"

"Yeah. I told him you love him but he said that you don't. He says he's tired of being a grown up and if he has to be one then he is gonna go live on his own where he can choose what grown up things he wants to do."

The look on Lindsay's face was the most hurt that Adam had ever seen, and for a moment he felt an intense anger and surge of protectiveness. Then he realized it was anger towards his son and guilt started to eat at him from the toes up.

"I'd better go talk to him."

"No, let me go. I think it would be a good idea for him to hear some tough love from his dad."

Adam went upstairs and opened the boys bedroom door, finding Colton frantically stuffing clothes into a duffel bag. He was sniffling quietly and it looked like he'd pushed his hand through his hair in frustration many times.

"You look just like me," Adam started, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. "I used to pack my bags just like you are now."

"You did?"

"Yeah. Of course, I never disrespected my mother and made her cry beforehand."

Colton slowed his movements but didn't turn around.

"Mama's crying?"

"She started to. You want to tell me why you think it's okay for you to say the things you said?"

Colton stayed quiet, knowing he was wrong, but not ready to admit it.

"If you say you're a grown up then you should be one right now and go downstairs and apologize to your mama."

"No. I don't want to talk to her."

"Why? Because she asks for your help with something?"

"I'm just a kid!" Colton exploded. "I don't have to take care of Ben and Aves! I don't have to do all the chores in the house! I don't have to go to my room every time I make a mistake! Ben gets a hug when he gets in trouble and I get sent to my room! It's not fair!"

"Son, when you were Ben's age, we hugged you during your punishments too."

"I don't care! It's not fair and mama doesn't even love me anymore. I hate this house because I don't get treated good and I don't want to be in this family anymore!"

This would be the point in the conversation where most parents would act indifferent as a way to get their child to recant their statements. Adam wasn't really aware of that style at the moment.

"You know a lot of things about the world now Colton. So you just use that brainpower and think about the kind of family you could have ended up with. Then you can tell me whether or not your mother loves you."

Turning on his heel he walked out of the room and slammed the door, surprised at the volume he'd just used to yell at his son. Avery peeked out of her bedroom, her bottom lip quivering as she looked at him. She'd never heard him raise his voice like that before and it scared her a lot.

"Daddy?"

"C'mere Tink. Daddy's sorry."

She let a few tears fall as she walked towards him, her arms raised so he could pick her up.

"I'm sorry Averylin. I didn't mean to yell like that. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Daddy upset?"

"Yes, I'm upset. I need to take a breather. Want to come outside with me and have a popsicle?"

"Okay."

She rested her head on his shoulder as they went downstairs where Lindsay and Ben were curled up on the couch together, talking softly.

"Hey, you two feel like having a popsicle? Avery and I are going to split one to improve our mood."

"Red one daddy?"

"Sure, we can have a red one. You want one Ben?"

"Okay. Mama, want to share a blue with me?"

"Sure baby."

* * *

The sun was barely up but the knock on the door was insistent and wouldn't go away. Austin rolled over and opened her eyes, looking at Danny to see if he was going to budge. He wasn't.

Sighing, she stood up and ran a hand through her hair, praying the wrath of God down on Flack for waking her up so early. Why he couldn't just call and tell her he had a lead, she didn't know, but at least when he came right to the door he usually brought coffee. Stumbling into the other room, she opened the door and barely had time to take a breath before Colton barreled into her and burst into tears.

"They don't want me! They don't want me!"

She knelt down and pulled him into her arms, confused and trying to keep up. How did he get here and why and who was he talking about?

"Honey, who doesn't want you?"

"Mama and daddy!"

"Okay, come inside. Let's sit on the couch and you can calm down and tell me about it."

He followed her in and took a shaking breath while she pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and put it around him.

"Colton, how did you get here?"

"I ran. I was running away so I had to run, right?"

"By yourself?"

"Of course! That's what running away is for."

"Colton, I don't think I have to tell you how dangerous that was."

"I know."

"We can talk about that later. Now what happened at home?"

"Me and mama got in an argument. Then daddy came home and yelled at me. So I stayed in my room all night and then when it started to get light out I sneaked out and came here."

"What did you and your mama fight about?"

"Just a lot of things. I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay. Well whatever you fought about, I have to call her and tell her you're here."

"I don't wanna go back home!"

"That's not up to me."

He sniffled and laid down on the couch while she stood up and went to get her phone. She had no idea what possibly could have happened but she knew Colton and Lindsay had been butting heads a lot lately. He was getting to a stage in his life where he wasn't sure how to act, whether he could be a kid or an adult. It was magnified intensely by what happened, and by the fact that he had always acted older than his years, causing Adam and Lindsay to give him a little more responsibility than was probably normal for kids his age. They talked to him on a more adult level, were honest with him about life and didn't sugarcoat things, even slightly. Austin didn't really think that was a good idea, but she wasn't about to say anything now.

"Hello?"

"Hey. I think I have something of yours."

"What?" Lindsay croaked, trying to shake the sleep out of her voice.

"Colton's here."

There was a second of silence then an intake of breath that meant Lindsay was fully awake.

"He's there?"

"He said he waited until the sun came up and then he ran here."

"I thought he was asleep in his room."

"No. He's asleep on our couch."

"He ran there?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be right there."

"Lin, you okay?"

"I don't know."

They ended the conversation and Austin went back to the other room, sitting down on the end of the couch. The movement woke Colton from his short snooze and he crawled over to her, leaning against her side and yawning.

"Are you mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you. I'm really confused about what's going on."

He didn't say anything, just pulled the blanket closer around himself as Isa wandered into the room, her long hair flowing down her back in a tangled mess.

"Colt, what are you doing here?"

"I ran away."

She stopped mid-step, then rushed towards the couch and hugged him tightly.

"Oh Colt, what happened? Why did you run away?"

"Because, Isa. Because I just don't like it there anymore. Because I don't even know what to do all the time. And I'm frustrated."

"You don't know where you fit in. Like you were telling me the other day."

"Yeah."

She clucked her tongue a little and squeezed his hand.

"Remember what I said to you? You fit in with me."

"For all the days. I remember."

They'd almost forgotten that Austin was even sitting there, as was normal with them.

"Colt, we're a family. All ten of us. You can't leave."

"I won't leave you, Isa. I will always be your friend. But I gotta do what's best for me too."

"Can you give it another shot?"

"I don't know."

"Colton Ross, we don't quit family!"

He hung his head and stared at the floor while she hugged him, fussing over him in a way she never had before.

"Ma, can Colt stay here with us? He can share a room with me. And he doesn't eat that much. He can share my food. And my allowance. Ma, I promise I will be good forever if we can just keep Colt!"

"Isabeth, no matter how much I love Colton and how much I would love to have him here, that's not an option right now. He needs to go home."

"But he doesn't want to."

"I know that. But like you just said, we don't quit family."

Isa sighed and patted Colton's face, then kissed his cheek.

"You hungry Colt? We have Pop-Tarts. I'll share one with you."

He shook his head and sat back on the couch, steeling himself for what he knew was coming. Isa snuggled into his side and he put his arm around her, feeling a bit better with her there. He wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen now, who was coming to get him, if they would be furious with him or if they would just be happy he was okay. More than likely they would hug him when they got there, then yell at him all the way home, and then he would be sent to his room again. Maybe this hadn't been the best idea.

"Wanna come play in my room with me?"

"No thanks, Isa."

"I love you Colt. Does that make you feel better?"

"A little. I love you too."

There was a knock on the door and it squeaked open. Colton took a deep breath and looked up at Lindsay, their eyes meeting for a long moment.

"Isabeth, let's go," Austin said, wanting to give them some space.

"But ma!"

"Come on."

They shuffled out of the room and Lindsay and Colton were left alone, regarding each other as if they had never met before.

"You want to tell me how things got to this point son?"

"A series of very bad things happened all at once."

She walked across the room to him, sitting on the other end of the couch and sighing.

"What should we do about that?"

"Ground me I guess."

"Is that going to fix the problem?"

He shrugged.

"Colton, you've got to tell me what's going on with you because I am really clueless here. What did I do wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Why can't we get along?"

"Because! I don't like you tellin' me to do stuff!"

"Well that's tough because I'm your mama and that's what I do."

"You want me to do all the grown up stuff and the chores and help take care of the other kids and be responsible but then you boss me like I'm a little kid too! So I have to do all the unfun stuff of being a grown up and all the unfun stuff of being a kid and I don't get the fun stuff of either of them and you don't care because you don't listen to me!"

"How can I listen to you when all you do is get mad and yell and me and stomp off into the other room?"

"I don't know! I'm just a kid!"

"We have to work together here. I understand what's bothering you but I don't understand why you're so upset with me for it."

His breathing got faster and she could tell he was about to explode with whatever his secret was, so she stayed quiet, letting it happen.

"Mama, you and me used to be buddies! We used to watch old movies together and we spent lots of time together just you and me. And now we don't anymore! Everything in the whole world changed after the bad stuff happened. And I'm just so mad!"

His voice was raised louder than she'd ever heard it and he jumped off the couch to pace around the room. It seemed like he was panicking and she wanted to pull him into her arms and tell him it would be okay, but he needed to get everything out.

"I didn't get a choice! It happened to me and I didn't get to say no. And now everything is different. I'm so mad. I don't want to be mad anymore but I can't stop! And that makes me more mad. And then I know that I will always be mad for the rest of my life."

He stopped walking in front of her, his chest heaving with emotion, his big brown eyes blinking back the tears.

"Colton, I'm mad too. I'm mad about everything that happened to you. I'm mad about what happened to me and to daddy and to all the other people we love. I'm very mad Colton, and you know what? That's okay. You're right, it never really goes away. But you learn how to live with it. You learn how to just be mad once in a while and be happy for the rest. But it's a long process and you have to ask for help with it. You can't just carry it around in your heart all the time. That's not fair to you."

He started to cry and he fell against her, releasing everything for the first time. She held him and rocked him back and forth shushing and soothing while he cried.

"Mama. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do."

"I know, baby. I'm sorry that daddy and I haven't guided you very well, but we're not really sure what to do either. We'll try to do better, I promise. But we need you to tell us things and be honest about how you feel."

"I'll try."

She pulled him into her lap and kissed his cheek, wiping his tears away.

"Colton Matthew I love you more than anything in the world, and no matter how upset with you I am, I will always love you that much. Always. Do you understand me?"

"Yes mama."

"Hey, don't you love me too?"

He nodded against her and wrapped his arms around her neck, holding on for dear life.

"I want to be little again mama. I want to fit in your lap and be happy. Like Ben! He's always happy about everything. He's still little. I wish I could be like that again."

"Is that why you've been spending so much time with your brother and then getting mad at him so much?"

"I like to be with him because I kind of feel like a little kid again. But then it makes me jealous and I get mad at him. That's not very fair to Ben is it?"

"No it's not. But that doesn't mean he doesn't still love you. Ben looks at you and sees this really awesome older kid that just so happens to be his brother and he adores you. He wants to be just like you."

"He does?"

"Yeah. He told me that last night. He said that when he grows up he wants to be as nice and smart as you are, but he doesn't want to get mean like you do sometimes."

Colton shuddered a little and leaned back, looking up at her as if the most horrible thing had just dawned on him.

"Mama, do you think I get mean like daddy's dad used to?"

"What?"

"Do you think someday when I have kids I will hurt them? Or hurt my wife? Or even hurt people now?"

"No. Never in a million years Colton. You aren't like that man and neither is daddy, so we don't have to worry, okay?"

He sighed and wiped his eyes and she cradled him against her a little, also wishing he was just a little boy again. A year and a half ago everything had been so simple and perfect but the in course of just a few days that had all changed permanently. She longed for it to go back to the way it was, but she knew it never would.

"I'm so sorry mama. I really am."

"I know. I forgive you. Now we need to go home and talk to daddy about all this, and then you're going to explain to Ben and Avery what you did and why it was wrong."

"Okay mama."

"And after that you're going to go to bed and get some rest. When you wake up we'll start fresh."

"I am pretty tired. I stayed up all the night long."

"Well you can sleep for a while this morning."

"Mama do you think you could lay down with me? Just for a little while? And tell me a story about Montana like you used to?"

"Absolutely."

He gave her a real smile and climbed off her lap, running into the kitchen.

"Everything's going to be fine!" he announced happily, hugging Isa. "Me and mama understand each other a little now. And I'm not quitting the family either!"

She giggled and they spun around in a circle together, bumping into one of the chairs.

"Hey kids you need to be quiet. Everyone else is sleeping."

They giggled quietly together and continued to spin in a circle while Austin went back to the couch to check on Lindsay.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just… thought it was over. I thought we were past it. He didn't ever indicate that it was still bothering, except for the occasional nightmare. I guess I should have paid more attention."

"Maybe so. But you know your kid Linds. He wasn't going to talk about it if he wasn't ready because I am sorry, but he is a really good mix of you and Adam. One set of stubborn doesn't cancel out the other."

"I know."

"But it's going to get better now. Okay?"

"Keep reminding me of that?"

"Every day."

* * *

Lindsay and Colton walked home together, hand in hand, not saying much but listening to the birds chirping in the trees around them. When they got back home Adam, Ben and Avery were sitting on the couch together, but Ben jumped up and ran for Colton, hugging him as hard as he could.

"Cole, don't you ever run away again! It made me so scared when daddy telled me! I thought you would never come home for real!"

"You know, when I sneaked out the back door, I didn't think I would ever come back either. I need to talk to you and Aves about what happened. Let's sit down."

The boys moved to the loveseat and Colton kept his arm around Ben's shoulders while Avery climbed up with them.

"What I did this morning was very wrong. I shouldn't have ran away like I did. And what happened yesterday wasn't right either. All the yelling and being mad was very wrong. Mama explained it to me that even though I am not a grown up yet, I am still growing up, and that means I learn from my mistakes. The good thing about you guys being younger is that you learn from my mistakes and you don't got to make them yourselves. So I need you guys to promise me two things. The first one is that you never make the same mistakes that I did."

"Okay Cole. I will do my best. Sissy?"

"Okay Coley."

"And the second one is that you will forgive me for what I did."

"I forgive you! It's okay to make mistakes. I still love you Cole."

"Thanks Ben. That means a lot to me."

"I love Coley."

"I love you too Aves. Now I need to go upstairs and go to sleep because it's been a long day."

He hugged both of the kids again, then slid off of the couch and walked over to Adam.

"Daddy, can you come up and tuck me in so we can talk for a bit? Then send mama up so she can cuddle with me?"

"Yeah buddy, let's go."

They made their way upstairs and Lindsay sat down on the couch, breathing a sigh of relief. Later they would figure out where to go from here and how to prevent this kind of thing in the future, but for now, they were all under one roof and they were all just fine.


	248. Chapter 248

A/N: I'm going to be gone on a camping trip for a few days, so I won't be writing or updating. And then after that I'll be getting ready to move, so I might not be able to update for a while. Sorry! I promise I am writing in my head though. And as always, anything you'd like to see or ideas you have, let me know. I love giving readers a little something special like that.

* * *

"I need more cereal!"

"Where's my backpack?"

"Fruity Pebbles please mama!"

"I can't find my shoes either."

"I would take Cocoa Pebbles if that would be faster!"

"Ahhh! My diaper spilled!"

The shouts from downstairs were drowned out by the giggling coming from upstairs.

"Do you think this is going to be big enough for a bathroom?" Lindsay chuckled, trying to get away from Adam's wandering hands.

"I think so. It'll look different once they start working on it," he replied, checking out the two by fours that framed the room for now. "And it will definitely be big enough if you get off the idea of having a claw foot tub. We already have one downstairs.

"I know, but that's going to be the kids bathroom. I want one for me."

"They'd have to reinforce the floor or you'd fall into Avery's room when you filled the tub up."

She giggled and he grabbed her around the waist, pulling her out of the unfinished room.

"Think we should go downstairs and get the kids ready for-"

"My diaper spilled!" Avery yelled again, panic obvious in her voice. "Please help!"

"I think she mentioned that she wanted daddy to help her."

"Yeah, and she added that her mama really needs to get cracking on this potty training thing."

"Hey!"

She smacked his arm and he headed out of the room, knowing that the teasing had earned him diaper patrol.

"Well there you are finally!" Ben said as Adam made it into the kitchen. "I need some Cocoa Pebbles."

"I gotta take care of your sister's cocoa pebbles first."

Ben and Colton erupted into laughter while Avery whined in embarrassment and followed Adam into the other room to get cleaned up.

"Hey Cole, could you get me some more cereal?"

"Yeah. But there's no pebble kinds left. What about these Grape Nuts?"

"I've never had grape cereal before! Go ahead and put it in my milk!"

Colton poured a generous helping of the cereal into the bowl and Ben took a huge spoonful, cramming it into his mouth.

"Oh gross! This doesn't taste like grapes at all!"

He spit it back into the bowl and made a face, wrinkling his nose.

"What kind of crazy person would eat that stuff?"

"I would," Lindsay chuckled, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. "They're better hot."

"That sounds even more grosser. I'm not hungry anymore. Time for school?"

"Not quite. You still need to get your shoes and socks on and find your backpacks."

"Wanna race, Ben?"

"Sure! On your mark get set go!"

They raced up the stairs while Adam came back into the room with Avery who was crying.

"What's the matter baby?"

"Daddy mean!"

"Daddy's not mean, Averylin. What happened?"

"We had a talk about her love of diapers and I told her that once this pack of diapers is gone she doesn't get any more and she wasn't too happy about that."

"Avery have diapers. Daddy take them away."

"I don't know Adam, maybe we should talk about this."

"You want to talk about it but you don't want to do it," he sighed, sending Avery upstairs to get her shoes.

"Are you saying it's my fault?"

"I'm saying that maybe if you actually tried, I wouldn't have to be the bad guy."

"If I tried? Adam I don't know what to do with her! I've tried everything I can think of and nothing has worked."

"Every kid gets potty trained at some point."

"So it's all up to me?"

"I didn't say that."

"But you're blaming me for it. That's fair."

"Linds."

"I don't want to have this fight."

"Okay, so you wanna have it when she's three? Four? Getting told she can't go to kindergarten because she's not potty-trained?"

"I think they call that a slippery-slope fallacy," she snapped, turning to go back into the kitchen.

"I don't care what it is! You tell me when this ends and I will stand behind you in it, but you've got to come up with a plan here babe."

"Why do I have to come up with a plan?"

"Because you've shot down every plan I've had. We have to stand together on this. So you make a plan and I will support it but you've got to do something."

She ran her fingers into her hair then rubbed at her temples, frustrated at this turn of events.

"Linds, do you really want to be changing diapers anymore? No."

"We're fighting about potty-training. Twelve years together and we're arguing about the bathroom habits of our kid. When did this happen? When did we stop fighting about whose turn it was to hold the remote?"

"When we got two remotes."

She gave a half amused snort and he pulled her into his arms and kissed her as much as she would allow.

"I'm sorry I put it all on you babe. I guess I keep comparing her to the boys and maybe that's not fair, but I don't want her to be behind."

"I don't either."

"So how shall we potty-train our strong-willed child?"

"We become strong-willed parents."

"By jove…"

"Let's do the no more diapers thing and get ready to wash lots of clothes."

"Can I get a fist bump on that one?"

"Let's see how it goes before we rush into anything."

"Isn't that what you said when we started dating?"

"Yeah. Look how well that turned out though."

"Fighting about the bathroom habits of our child."

She laughed and hugged him, glad their disagreement was short lived and that she always knew he was well intentioned.

"Okay can we go now? I wanna see Dunner before school!" Ben asked as he jumped off the last step.

"Yes we can go. And after today you will probably never be this excited to go to school."

"Yes I will silly daddy. Yes I will."

* * *

"I go school too," Avery said, walking carefully across the line in the floor. "Go tumblin' school."

"Oh that's right you do," Austin chuckled, pulling the little girl into her arms. "Mama and I will come and watch you while the boys are in school."

"Au'tin I show you how I pepper-salt. And the cartwheel."

"Oh, I can't wait to see that sweetie."

Avery smiled and skipped back down the hall, turning around halfway to walk across the line towards them again. The classroom wasn't open yet, so Ben and Junior were sitting on a small bench outside the door. Junior was very nervous, kicking his legs back and forth and staring at the classroom door as if he was about to go to the doctors office.

"You know somethin' Dunner? It's gonna be okay. I promise you will like school. I will show you the ropes."

"Ropes? Do they tie us up?"

"No Dunner, that's a phrase what means I will show you how it works."

"Oh. But Binyin, I don't think I'm ready to leave my ma. She needs me, you know."

"Yeah I know. But eventually all the little birds gotta leave the nest."

"I'm not a bird Binyin."

"It's another phrase what means something else."

"Oh. I am just pretty nervous. I wish my dad was here but he took the girls to their classrooms."

"It's okay Dunner. This is going to be a great day. And if you start feelin' like it's not great, then just look to the side and I will be there next to you. That's what Cole told me about life and how he will always be my big brother. So this is about kindergarten and how I will always be your best friend."

"I feel better thinkin' about that Binyin."

"There's somethin' we need to talk about. I don't think that we should call each other by our nicknames anymore. Least not at school."

"How come?"

"Because it's not our names. And we don't wanna get maked fun of for still usin' the names what we called each other when we were babies."

"So what do we call each other?"

"You can call me Ben like everyone else does. And I will call you Daniel? Or Junior?"

"Call me Junior. Only my ma calls me Daniel. Because usually that's the name she uses when she's upset with my dad."

"Okay. I will call you Junior and you will call me Ben, but when we are at home we can be Dunner and Binyin again."

"Sounds good Biny- I mean Ben."

"I agree Junior. Do you think we will get to sit next to each other in school?"

"I hope so! That would be fun! Hey ma, do you think me and Ben will get to sit next to each other?"

"Maybe so. You'll have to wait and see."

Junior seemed much happier at the prospect and the boys fell into a quiet conversation for the next few minutes until the classroom door opened.

"Yay! Let's go Dunn- I mean Junior!"

They held hands and stepped through the door together, Avery shrieking and following them.

"Wow, kindergarten is just like Cole said it would be!" Ben marveled, looking at all the pictures on the walls and buckets of toys. "Hi teacher! Remember me and Junior?"

"Of course I remember you," the teacher said with a smile, coming over to greet them. "Are you boys excited for today?"

"I am! Junior is almost. He would like to know about snack time."

"We will have snack time in about an hour. How does that sound?"

"I like that very much. My ma packed me a snack in this lunchbox."

"That's a neat lunchbox!"

"You like the Yankees too?"

"Well of course I do."

"You're a good woman, teacher. We will get along just fine. Hey ma! You could leave now. Me and teacher are friends because she likes the Yankees too! I'm in good hands!"

Austin chuckled and leaned down to hug him tightly.

"Why don't we find your desk and get you all settled before I go."

"Alright! Teacher, you put my name Junior on my desk right?"

"Yep, that's what you asked to be called. I put you boys right next to each other for now."

The boys both shouted with happiness and raced over to the desks she indicated.

"Look I got dinosaurs on my name!" Ben hollered. "Look sissy!"

"Oh wow!" Avery giggled. "Dan-yo have baseballs!"

The boys sat down and began to unload their backpacks into their desks as other kids filtered in. Ben greeted them all with a friendly smile and Junior just nodded along when he was introduced as Ben's "bestest buddy." They seemed happy and ready to do this on their own but neither one of their mothers really wanted to leave. They stayed and stayed until the last moment, most of the other parents had left.

"Okay Ben are you ready?"

"Of course mama! I done pre-school, I am sure this will be easy-peasy!"

"Okay. We'll be back to pick you up after Avery's tumbling class."

"I know. Now shoo mama. It's time for me to learn."

She smiled and hugged him tightly, then kissed his full cheek before taking Avery out into the hallway. Austin took a little longer to say goodbye and when she joined them her eyes were teary.

"Aust?"

"He's my last baby. You don't understand, you get to do this again!"

"You could always get knocked up again."

Austin made a face and Lindsay giggled as they made their way out of the school.

"I didn't know it was possible to drop the f-bomb without saying a word."

"Seriously, Lin?"

"Your face for all the awards."

Austin rolled her eyes as they made their way to the car. Avery was singing to herself about her tumbling class and before she climbed into her seat, she stripped her jean skirt off to reveal her leotard.

"That was a quick costume change," Austin chuckled, wiping her eyes.

"Are you ready to tumble?" Avery shouted, clapping her hands while Lindsay tried to buckle her in.

"Is that how you get yourself all psyched up for it?"

"Yep!"

Lindsay got in and started the car and soon they were on their way to Avery's gymnastics class. She was quivering with excitement once she saw the building and by the time they got out of the car she was nearly dancing.

"Au'tin I show you my class. Come inside."

She grabbed Austin's hand and pulled her towards the doors, running almost at full speed.

"Here we go! Hello! Avery's here!"

The rest of the kids looked up from their pre-class game of tag and waved at her, asking her to join them. Happily, she hopped onto the mat and joined the game, falling several times when she tried to run, but laughing and getting up to try again.

"Do you think she's really that popular or is it just that she won't be denied?"

"The second."

"I never thought I would see that girl this excited over anything but food," Austin mused.

"I know. She really loves it. We thought it would just be a summer thing but I think we're going to keep her in until she stops liking it."

"That may be a while. Look at that grin on her face."

Even though the kids were being made to sit in a circle for the start of class, Avery looked beside herself with joy.

"You gonna be okay, Aust?"

"What, with letting my youngest fly the coop?"

"He didn't fly the coop, he went to kindergarten."

"Yes I'm fine. It's just that he's always been my baby. Sarah's been in school for two years, so that's two years I've had him home with me most of the time. I didn't get that with the girls really. It's different. I'm having a harder time with this one."

"It will get easier I'm sure."

"You just wait until you have to take Avery to school. You're going to be a blubbering mess."

"Well according to Adam that might be a long time because she's not potty-trained yet and he suspects they'll reject her from school if I don't get on the ball."

"Oh, so you two had a fight and that's why you didn't kiss him goodbye this morning."

"We made up but I wasn't all that fond of him still."

Austin smirked and watched as Avery took her turn on the bars.

"Maybe you need to leave it up to her. Don't say anything about it anymore. That's what we did with Isa."

"Oh that's right. But wasn't that the reason she would leave dirty diapers in weird places and you wouldn't find them for days?"

"Okay so in theory it's a good idea."

"In theory and you are a cop, not a scientist."

"You're just stacking the cards against me, you realize that right Lin?"

"I guess."

"I'm glad the boys got to sit next to each other today," Austin said, changing the subject. "Daniel was really worried about it."

"He gets your puppy-dog eyebrows when he's worried. It's cute."

"That's pretty much all he's got of mine. Otherwise he's just like Danny."

"He's like you in a lot more ways than just your eyebrows Aust."

"Like how?"

"He doesn't cry. Not that you never cry. Just that he puts on a brave face a lot. I think at his age it's good because it shows him that things do get better. Whereas Ben bursts into tears at the very slightest thing."

"Well, as he says, he's a very sensitive boy."

"They make a good pair. Ben learns to toughen up a little and Junior can see that it's okay to feel things."

"I used to think that Isa and Colton's friendship was just like ours, but I think it's the boys."

"Yeah, I think you're right. Of course I don't think the boys will make a habit of sharing blankets on the couch and watching John Hughes movies when they're bored."

"And if they do, well at least maybe we could join."

* * *

"Mama, so many things happened today! I think my desk doesn't like me much because one time I standed up and it flipped over. Then the other time I was tippin' in my chair and all my stuffs come crashin' down all over me!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have been horsing around."

"It sure maked all the kids laugh though. Even the teacher smiled when I said that the desk was treatin' me unfairly."

"What else happened today?"

"Me and Dunner maked some new friends! Some boys named Derek and Micah and Mason, and a little girl called Rosie. I think she is going to be my first girlfriend."

"Oh you think so huh?"

"Yep. We got lots in common. She likes Batman like I do."

"I'm glad you made some friends."

"Me too but I missed sissy really much."

"She missed you too. She couldn't wait until it was time to pick you up and now she's all tuckered out from her class."

Ben nodded and reached over to pat Avery's back.

"I will play with her when she wakes up. Can we go home and have lunch?"

"Yeah. Let me put all this stuff back in your backpack and you can go ask Austin and Junior if they want to come over for lunch."

"Okay! Hey Austin and Dunner! Wanna eat at our house?"

He galloped off across the hall to them while Lindsay fought all his papers back into his bag and tried to keep a hold of the sleeping Avery.

"Mama they said yes! Let's go, I'm starvin'!"

He grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the doors, looking across at the playground where the older kids were having recess.

"Hey Cole! COLE!"

Colton looked up from the game he was playing with some friends and ran over to the fence with a smile on his face.

"Hey Ben! How was your first day of school?"

"It was great Cole! I will tell ya all about it when you come home okay? Where's Sarah and Isa?"

"Playin' with some kids in their class. They get to share a class this year like me and Sarah did last year. But this time I'm left out."

"That's too bad Cole."

"It's okay, I made some other friends. Did you?"

"Yep, me and Dunner maked four friends. We're gonna go have lunch now."

They waved goodbye to each other and Ben and Junior joined hands, skipping along to the car.

"I think they're going to be just fine, Aust."

* * *

"Today our teacher told us that we were going to have elections for a class president," Colton said with a yawn as Adam tucked him in. "The class president gets lots of jobs like taking attendance and getting to run errands to the office. Also the class president of our class gets to go with the class presidents of the other third grade classes and they get to learn how to be crossing guards and some other stuff. And I really wanted to do it. But then I was thinking about it and I decided to let someone else do it. Because like mama says, I am growing up but that doesn't mean I have to do every grown up thing all the time. So I decided that I didn't want to take on this responsibility. And I thought that was a very grown-up decision to let myself be a kid."

Adam chuckled and hugged his son.

"I think that was a good idea buddy. There will always be other opportunities too."

"That's what I thought. Goodnight daddy."

"Goodnight Colton."

Adam moved over to the other bed to tuck Ben in again, then left the room, making sure the door was just barely open.

"Mama, it my diaper," Avery whined softly from the other room.

"I know. But once they're all gone, you don't get any more."

"I want them!"

"That's too bad. It's time to go on the potty like a big girl."

"Why?"

"Because daddy and I said so."

Avery whimpered and wiped at her eyes while Lindsay rocked her slowly in the chair.

"And now it's time to go to sleep."

"'Morrow, I play with Ben."

"Yes, you get to play with Ben tomorrow."

"Dan-yo come too?"

"I can't remember if Junior is coming over tomorrow or not. I'll let you know in the morning."

"Mama, kiss me."

Lindsay chuckled and kissed her, then stood up from the chair and took Avery over to her bed.

"I be in your bed in morning?"

"You can come upstairs and get in bed with us when the sun comes up."

"Okay mama. I sleep good. I love you."

"Love you too Averylin. Goodnight."

She tucked her daughter in a little tighter then slipped out of the room, joining Adam in the hallway.

"Hey."

"Hey."

They were quiet for a moment before he reached over and took her hand.

"Wanna go upstairs?"

"No."

"Not for that! I thought we could pick paint colors."

"Oh. Well in that case, I'll go find dessert."

He rolled his eyes at her and she went downstairs for ice-cream while he went up to their bedroom and found the magazine they'd gotten from the hardware store that had different paint colors in it. They hadn't had time to thumb through it before but he knew she wanted to have a plan for the bathroom as soon as possible.

"I like the green one," she said, closing the bedroom door behind her.

"Which green one?"

"Page three. That green color with the cream trim."

"It's nice."

"You don't really care do you?"

"As long as it's not neon purple, no, I really don't mind."

"That was my second choice."

He chuckled and took one of the bowls of ice-cream from her while she climbed onto the bed next to him.

"You know, I think the whole house could do with some repainting."

"No."

"What?"

"No way. The paint is only three years old and none of it needs changing."

"What about the outside of the house?"

"I like that it's all chipping and gross. Makes burglars believe we got nothin' in here."

"Chipping paint is your security system."

"You sometimes forget I grew up in the country, don't you?"

"Well what's going to happen in a few weeks when we finish building that fort out back and it's painted nicer than the house?"

"Then we move into the fort."

"Babe, the boys would never let us do that."

"Okay, we'll paint the house next summer, but we're hiring someone."

"Deal. Now, back to the bathroom."

"I decided against the claw foot tub, but I do want jets."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Do you know you're spoiled?"

"Yes."

"Okay, I'll price jetted tubs but if it doesn't fit or if they're ridiculously expensive, no tub bub."

"Then maybe you could look for something that's big enough for two."

"Did you know you're really bad at flirting?"

She giggled and leaned her head on his shoulder enjoying the knowledge that no matter how bad she could be at flirting, he would still love her. For a moment she started to think about just how they'd gotten here, jumped from being friends to being deeply in love in what seemed like a short amount of time. She'd often wondered if somewhere buried deep down, they'd always been waiting for each other and once they met it was as if there was nothing that could stop them. They really didn't seem to have a choice, and didn't really want one either.

"Hey honey, you done with that ice-cream?"

"Yeah why?"

"Because remember how I said no earlier? I changed my mind."


	249. Chapter 249

A/N: I am seriously SO SORRY this has taken me so stinking long to write. I've been busy and I've had writers block.

* * *

"Hi mama. I Avery Grace!"

Lindsay snickered and opened her eyes, finding her messy-haired daughter standing next to the bed with her nightgown hanging so loosely around her that she'd managed to get one arm comfortably out of the collar.

"I know you're Averylin Grace. What are you doing up so early?"

"Birds was singin'," she explained, using the side table to climb up into the bed. "I wake up, come to see you!"

"Oh I see. Did you want to snuggle or did you want to wake me up to make you breakfast?"

"I snuggle mama an' daddy."

"Good, I was hoping you would say that."

Avery smiled and climbed under the blankets, giggling when Lindsay tickled her side.

"What we do today mama?"

"We're going to take the boys to school this morning and then daddy and I are taking you to the doctor."

"No!"

"No what honey?"

"No doctor!"

"Why not?"

"I dunno!"

"There's nothing scary about the doctor, Avery. He's just going to see how tall you are and how much you weigh to make sure you're growing right, and then if everything goes okay, you get a piece of candy."

"Oh, some candy? I do that."

"Then after the doctor we're going to pick Ben up from school and then daddy will go to work."

"Then?"

"Then it's naptime for you and Ben. After that we'll go and get Colton from school."

"Then?"

"Then you kids can play and I'll make dinner, and after a while daddy will be home from work and we can eat dinner and then it will be bedtime."

Avery nodded and yawned, pulling the blankets up over her head.

"I go sleep now, for a bit."

"Okay."

"Mama," Avery started, reaching up to trace her little hand over Lindsay's face. "Mama, I look you?"

"Yeah, I think you look like me a little. Daddy thinks you're my clone."

"I be like you mama. And smile."

"You want to be happy like me?"

"Oh yes so most. I fall love a good boy. I work. I laugh lots."

"Is that what you think I do?"

"Yes."

"Well then I hope that's the life you get to have baby."

"Mama, I grow up, be your baby?"

"You and Ben and Colton will always be my babies, no matter how old you get."

"Okay mama. I go sleep again."

"Alright honey."

Avery sighed gently and curled up into a ball, tugging on one of her curls as she slept. Suddenly she'd started talking a lot more, stopped screaming for no reason, and stopped crying over every perceived slight. It was almost as if overnight she'd grown up.

Adam sighed and rolled over, blinking a few times as he woke up. His hair stuck up in all directions and Lindsay smiled as he tried to become aware of what was going on.

"Ug, this weird kid again?" he croaked. "Doesn't she have the decency to not crawl in bed with us when she has a wet diaper?"

"No she doesn't."

"Maybe we should teach her that."

"Maybe we should also teach her not to come and get in our bed at five in the morning."

"That would be awesome too. You gettin' up now?"

"I don't know. I'm tired but I have a lot to do today."

"Like what?"

She began to list off things and she was only halfway through when he shook his head and held his hands up.

"Okay, okay, you've got a lot to do. But do you really have to can the fruit today?"

"Yeah. If I don't do it today the fruit will go bad and then we will have wasted a whole day of picking."

"Oh no, not an entire day of picking! There is no way we could sacrifice that for your sanity!"

She rolled her eyes and he leaned over to take her hand.

"Whatever I can do, leave it for me, okay? I'll clean the bathrooms."

"How about, I will clean the bathrooms and you can paint the new one."

"We'll see how far you get on the list."

She smiled at his negotiation and stood up from the bed, stretching a little while Adam watched her.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just like what I see."

"You always seem to."

She gave him a wink over her shoulder, then went downstairs to find Ben standing in the hallway with tears streaming down his face.

"Mama! I forgot!"

"What did you forget sweetie?"

"My math page! It was homework and I forgot to do it! And now my teacher is gonna be so mad at me and I will get in trouble and then you and daddy will be mad and now my tummy is so upset and I just-"

He let out a sob and ran into the bathroom, throwing up right before he made it to the toilet, which made him cry even harder.

"Ben, settle down, it's okay."

"Not it's not! I failed. I can't even throw up right!

Chuckling, she pulled him into her arms and ignored the mess on the floor for the moment.

"Honey, why don't you go ahead and go back to bed for a little while. Just calm down. I'll help you with your math worksheet before school, okay?"

"You'd do that for me mama?"

"Of course I would. Rinse your mouth out and go get back in bed."

He obeyed her instructions and she cleaned up the small mess on the floor, chuckling a little because he was so dramatic about things, especially things that he'd watched Colton get upset about in the past.

Once the mess was cleaned up she went downstairs and started in on the laundry, moving one load into the dryer and another into the washer, after filling one basket with freshly cleaned laundry. Sometimes it felt like the day to day chores were never ending and no matter how much they all pitched in, nothing would ever be done. The boys took care of Qwerty almost all on their own, even being reliable enough to write dog food on the shopping list when it was needed. Avery had started picking up after herself, even if she did have to be reminded and redirected quite a bit, and that had given Adam and Lindsay a lot more time throughout the day to get other things done. It would have all worked perfectly if dishes and laundry didn't seem to breed overnight.

The sun was streaming through the kitchen window, giving the room a yellowy glow that reminded her so much of early mornings in the barn with her dad when she was a little girl. Sometimes she wished that her kids could know that kind of life, that making your own way, providing for your family beyond the monetary, and seizing every moment of daylight was the most rewarding way to live. Try as she might to teach them these things, she knew that it wouldn't be as meaningful unless or until they lived that life.

"Good mornin' mama."

"Hey Colton. What are you doing up?"

"Ben."

She chuckled at his answer as he rolled his eyes then walked across the kitchen to hug her.

"Could we watch _Gilligan's Island_ together mama? We haven't done that in a long time."

She hesitated for a moment, looking at the dishes in the sink, thinking about the lunches she hadn't prepared for the kids last night, remembering the basket of laundry that needed to be put away. But then she looked down into his eyes, saw the smile of longing on his face and she knew there was no other possible answer.

"Sure buddy. Want to share a blanket?"

* * *

"Ooh, what this?" Avery asked, stretching to try and reach the thermometer that was attached to the wall.

"Baby, please stop touching things. Come sit with daddy and read your book."

Avery sighed and climbed off the stool, crossing the room to Adam. He smiled and lifted her into his lap, then opened the book they'd brought along.

"Quack, quack," Avery said, pointing at the picture on the page. "Two duck."

"And what's that?"

"I a big purple goose! Honk!"

"What are the ducks and the geese doing?"

"They find food and home. Not know where go."

"That's right. But who's this guy?"

"Him a duck man guy. He take them home. To food."

"And what do they say when they get their food?"

"Quack, quack, quack, quack, honk, honk, quack!" she giggled, clapping her hands with every word.

"Shall we read it backwards?"

Avery laughed and kicked her legs excitedly, for her favorite part of any book was always when Adam read it backwards. She bounced up and down in his lap as he read, chortling at the funnier backwards sentences and asking him to read it again. He would have too, if the doctor hadn't arrived at that moment, causing Avery to whimper and shrink back against her daddy. Her eyes grew large as she stared up at the doctor, who was going through her chart and confirming things with Lindsay.

"Good morning Avery," he said finally, crouching down to look her in the eye. "How are you today?"

"I'm two," she answered, her voice wavering. "An' a half."

"You are?"

"Um yes. Done now?"

"Well, it won't take long. Would it be alright if you stepped on this scale so we can see how big you are?"

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her stomach.

"I know. I chubby."

"How about if we measure how tall you are?"

"Hmm. Okay. We do that."

She took his hand and hopped off Adam's lap, walking across the small room to the scale that also had a height bar on it. She stood there patiently for a bit, watching intently as the doctor measured her and made some notes on his clipboard.

"I well?" she asked after a moment.

"Yes you are. You're just where you should be."

"Oh good. Now what?"

"Can I look at those pretty eyes of yours?"

"Okay!" she agreed happily, batting her eyelashes. "See them? They blue. Like daddy."

Adam and Lindsay shared an amused look while the doctor went about his examination, making sure that Avery was hitting all her developmental milestones. Partway through he promised her a piece of candy if she would draw a picture for him. It took some prying but she eventually agreed, and he took note of her fine motor skills and her hand-eye coordination. It took a while but they were finally finished and Avery was given a little certificate that she clutched proudly in her hands, announcing to the nurse as they left the building that she was normal.

"Well that took a lot longer than I thought it would," Adam said, starting the car and backing out of the parking lot."

"Yeah, but this doctor is a lot more thorough than the doctor we had for the boys."

"That's true. I guess sometimes-"

"OH NO!"

They both looked in the back seat where Avery was sitting with tears running down her face.

"What's the matter baby?"

"Mama… doctor forgot my candy!"

She continued to cry forlornly, not throwing a fit but displaying all her emotions quite nicely anyway.

"Hey Tink, what if we get you an ice-cream cone? Will that ease the pain?"

"Okay," she agreed wiping her eyes. "I so sad."

"The doctor just made a mistake, honey. He didn't mean to."

"Avery know that. Still sad."

"Okay sweetie. You just go ahead and let yourself be sad."

Her chin touched to her chest and she sighed a few times while they drove, only perking up a little when they reached the ice-cream parlor. Normally this small store produced skipping and shouting from all three kids, but today Avery could not be bothered with such joy. Today she just took their hands and walked into the building reservedly, scuffing her foot against the floor while they ordered for her. They handed her the strawberry ice cream cone and she gave a little smile, looking it over before trying it out.

"This stuff okay. We go home."

She managed to eat halfway through the treat before they even got to the car, and once she was strapped in, her eyelids grew heavy. Adam and Lindsay didn't notice that she'd fallen asleep until they were almost all the way home, and she already had ice cream melted all over her clothes.

"Well."

"Yeah."

"I gotta go to work."

"Adam, if I wake her up to give her a bath, she's going to be so upset for the rest of the day."

"Yeah, but you wanted to be a mom."

She snickered and smacked his shoulder as he pulled into the driveway and Avery let out an "I-don't-want-to-wake-up-yet" whimper.

"If I take her upstairs will you hose out her carseat?"

"Sure, but what's she going to sit in when you go to get Ben from school?"

"I'll throw some towels in there, she won't mind."

"Okay then."

"Sometimes we suck at parenting."

"Our attention spans leave a lot to be desired."

They managed to get Avery out of the car without waking her up and Lindsay carried her upstairs carefully, as to not transfer too much of the ice cream mess onto herself.

"Mama, I icky."

"I know. Want to take a bath?"

"Please. My shirt off."

They went into the bathroom and Lindsay started the water, chuckling as Avery tried to get her messy shirt off.

"Mama help. I icky."

Lindsay reached over and helped her and soon Avery was happily in the tub, playing with some toys and humming to herself.

"Babe, I'm going to head to work," Adam said, walking into the room and dropping a kiss to Avery's head. "Need anything from the store on the way back?"

"I'll let you know if I think of anything. Be safe."

"I will. I love you."

"I love you too."

He kissed her gently then left the room while Avery giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"Mama, that so sweet. You an' daddy."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes. So most."

* * *

"But mama, I don't understand! Why do me and Dunner gotta take a nap?"

"Because it's nap time," she answered simply, turning out the bedroom light.

"My ma never makes me take naps after school," Junior added. "And she might be mad if you maked me."

"I don't think so, guy. You boys need to rest, okay?"

"I'm all rested up!" Ben argued, jumping out of bed. "So I could just not take a nap, okay?"

She looked down at their little faces and felt her resolve crumble.

"Okay, you don't have to take a nap, but you are going to have to be quiet while I get some things done, okay?"

"We can do that Aunt Lin! Me and Binyin play this game at school called the quiet game because our teacher used to have to remind us to be quiet. So now we're real good at bein' quiety."

"Yep mama, that's the truth."

"It's the truth that you two got in trouble for being too loud in class?"

The boys looked at each other and Junior gulped, having never been in trouble with Lindsay before.

"Well you see mama, that's only the first half of the story. The second part, and the mostest importantest part is that me and Dunner can be quiet. So you see that is the moral of this story what we telled to you."

"Yeah Aunt Lin. What Binyin said."

She chuckled and shook her head, seeing so much of their fathers in them that it was almost unbelievable.

"Okay boys, let's go downstairs and you can watch a movie. But don't tell Avery that I let you skip a nap, okay?"

They both nodded vigorously and followed her downstairs where they picked a movie and climbed up onto the couch together, their arms slung around each others shoulders. Ever since school had started, they'd been even more inseparable than normal, often discussing things in low tones that no one else could hear. She was sure it was just another part of their friendship, they possibly felt like with all the new friends they were making, they needed to hold onto each other more. She knew the feeling well, having been through it at various points in her life; when everything was changing there was a desperate need to hold onto the things that had never failed.

Leaving them to their own devices, she went into the kitchen to continue canning the fruit. Everything was peeled and mashed with sugar which had been easy enough with the kids running around, but boiling water and pectin together and getting it just to the right temperature and mixing it with the fruit at just the right time meant that she couldn't have distractions. She worked for quite a while, measuring and watching the water until it boiled just right, then mixing it with the fruit and letting it cool just a little.

"Hey Aunt Lin, what'cha doin' with that stuff? You makin' sketti? I love sketti."  
"No, I'm making strawberry jam."

"You work for Smuckers?"

She laughed and shook her head while he rocked back and forth on his heels, his arms crossed over his chest.

"So Aunt Lin," he started conversationally. "What's been goin' on?"

"Not very much. What's going on with you?"

"Same old stuff. I was wondering something."

"What were you wondering?"

"Would it be a possibility for me and Binyin to have a snack?"

"What kind of snack were you thinking of honey?"

"Somethin' that tastes good that we could share. Something that's my favorite."

"Well what's your favorite?"

"Anything you make Aunt Lin."

"You look just like your daddy, do you know that?"

"My ma says I use the charms that he passed to me."

"She's definitely right about that one."

He smiled and leaned against the counter, watching her intently for a moment before speaking again.

"So how 'bout that snack, huh?"

She chuckled and shook her head, leaning over to kiss the top of his head.

"Aunt Lin, how come you're always kissin' us kids?"

"Because you're pretty darn tootin' adorable. Where's your partner in crime?"

"You mean Binyin? He goed outside to do a duty."

"A duty?"

"Somethin' we learned about in school. He's giving money to poor people."

"What?"

"Oh come on, I will show you."

She followed him out onto the front porch and found Ben standing on the curb, dropping something into the sewer grate and concentrating heavily.

"Benjamin, what are you doing?"

He turned around and she spied an old coffee can in his arms, the same one Adam used to collect loose change.

"I'm givin' money to the poor peoples!" he answered, dropping another quarter into the drain. "They will think it's raining nickels!"

"What are you talking about?" Lindsay asked, pulling him away from the road.

"In school we learned about money. And then later we learned about sharing with people what got less than we do. So then I thought to myself "Hey Ben, you got a lot of stuffs what you can share!" so I goed upstairs and got daddy's money. I throwed it down the drain, for that goes to the under the ground, and that's where the poor people live, on account of that's where the train tracks are!"

She stared at him bewildered for a moment before he looked down into the coffee can and sighed.

"We don't need all this money. It's heavy."

Partially amused but mostly touched she smiled and pulled him into her arms, kissing his cheeks and holding him close for just a moment so he would know that she loved him.

"Sweetie, I'm very happy that you want to share and I'm very happy that you're grateful for all you have."

"I am not like the kids what lived in a boxcar, even if one of them was named Ben."

"I know."

"On third thought, maybe I should not be sharing daddy's money. But you see, I don't got none of my own."

"Why don't you let me and daddy worry about that? You just keep wanting to share and daddy and I will help you."

"Okay. Can I throw more money down the drain?"

"Not right now. It will get lost in the sewer. Let's go inside and you boys can finish your movie and then we'll come up with a plan for how to share stuff with the people that don't have a lot."

"That's a good plan mama. Hey Dunner! We're gonna do somethin' for the poor people! Wanna help?"

"Yeah! I got a lot of things too!"

They raced into the house and Lindsay stared down at the abandoned coffee can in her hands, knowing that Ben would give away every last thing he owned just to make someone happy. Maybe they were getting the hang of this parenting thing after all.


	250. Chapter 250

A/N: How did I get myself into this ship? Seriously.

* * *

The kids sat quietly on the couch in the living room, yawning and rubbing their eyes as they tried to wake up much earlier than they were used to. It had been a late night for all three of them, but at least they were just tired instead of cranky.

Qwerty had run away two days ago and had yet to return. Normally when he got out he came home within a day, but this time it seemed that he might be gone for good. Adam and Lindsay hadn't let the kids in on that part yet, but they knew they would have to soon.

"Ben, where we go?" Avery asked, unsatisfied with grunt that Colton had just given her.

"We's goin' to stay with Mac and Jo-Jo and mama an' daddy is goin' on their 'versary trip 'cross the country."

"Why?"

"So they can find out why they are still in love."

"Oh. Okay."

Lindsay chuckled and stuffed a few more things into her suitcase while Adam tried to match pairs of shoes for the kids. They had thought they were all packed last night, but it seemed as if they had been terribly mistaken.

"Mama, I go you an' daddy."

"No sweetie, you would be really bored. You get to stay with Mac and Jo and they're going to take you to do something really fun."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Mac said it was a surprise. But they both have a lot of fun things to do. You'll see."

"No, I sleep at Au'tin's home."

"Maybe in a few days but I'm not sure."

Avery sighed and leaned against the armrest with a big yawn. She didn't understand how long they would be gone or how far away they would be, but she knew she didn't like it. Last night they had all looked at a map together, seeing where their mama and daddy would be while they were gone, but that wasn't really enough. She wanted to go with them to make sure they stayed safe. Who else was going to take her to tumbling class?

"Okay, I think we're ready to start loading the car. Kids, you want to go get in your seats?"

They slid off the couch slowly and went outside where air was cold and the sun had not yet risen. Shivering and stretching, they climbed into the car and got into their seats, Colton helping Avery with hers before doing his own. They sat quietly and Ben rubbed at his eyes, then stared at the clock on the dash.

"Hey Cole. Is four-five-five early in the morning?"

"Yeah. We don't get up until seven."

"That must be why that sun isn't up yet. It's sleeping. I wish I was sleeping."

"Me too. Maybe we can take a nap when we get to Mac and Jo's. Aves, you wanna take a nap too in that one huge bed at their house that we always share?"

"No. I no take nap. I not a baby. I a sissy an' big girl."

"But don't you wanna rest a little?"

"No. Play with Mac. He play ponies."

The boys both giggled at the thought of Mac playing with Avery's ponies, knowing he would do it if she asked.

"You kids all ready to go?" Adam asked, closing the trunk of the car.

"Do you and mama really gotta go?" Ben whined. "I really like you guys and I will miss you!"

"We like you too son, but I promise that we will all like each other even better if mama and I take off for a few days."

"Are you gonna do lots of talking?"

"No, we're not going to say a word to each other the entire time."

Ben's eyes got wide and he tipped his head to the side.

"That was sarcasm, honey. Daddy's bad at it when he's tired."

"Oh. Well then maybe he needs to practice. Is it time to go now?"

"Yeah, let's get out of here."

After Lindsay dashed into the house one more time to make sure everything was locked and after they had to circle back for Avery's purse that she suddenly had to have, they were finally headed to Mac and Jo's, half an hour later than they originally planned. Mac was bleary-eyed when he opened the door but Jo was bustling around as if she'd been up for hours and she greeted the kids warmly, kissing their cheeks and hugging them tight, the same way she always did.

"Jo-Jo, me and Cole want to go back to sleep in that big bed upstairs. Can we?"

"Sure, but don't you want to say bye to your mama and daddy?"

"Sure. Goodbye parents. Have fun at the beach without us kids, and try not to think about how we are apart."

"Ben you're so dramatic."

"That's what I do."

They both hugged and kissed him and he went upstairs to the spare room that he liked best.

"I'll help take care of the kids," Colton promised with a yawn. "But I won't be too grown-up about it."

"Thank you buddy. We'll miss you but we'll call you every day."  
"Okay. Love you and be safe."

He hugged them and followed Ben upstairs, leaving just Avery, who had already taken up residence in Mac's arms and would probably stay there for most of the morning.

"We'll see you in a little while Avery."

"Little while? Lunchtime?"

"Well, in a few days then."

"Okay. Get me presents."

She waved at them and settled into Mac's lap, her eyes already transfixed on the early morning cartoon he'd found for her.

"Well I guess they're going to be fine honey."

"I guess."

Adam squeezed her shoulders, knowing she was suddenly uneasy about leaving them for so long.

"We should be in cell service most of the time so call us if you need anything. Austin and Danny have copies of all their medical stuff, so if something happens…"

"They'll be fine Adam," Jo assured. You two should get going so you can make your plane."

"Avery wakes up in the night sometimes so if she won't go back to sleep you can call us."

"Linds."

"And Ben's started throwing up when he's worried but he's not really sick I promise."

"Lindsay."

"And make sure Colton has fun, he really takes things too seriously."

"Honey, you're leaving for a week, not forever. Go have fun and trust me. They'll be okay."

"But-"

"Babe, let's go. Come on, that's it. One foot in front of the other."

With one last sigh she followed him out of the house and into the car, grabbing the travel mug of coffee and taking a long sip to try and combat her tears.

"Hey. What's the matter?"

"I miss them."

"I know you do."

"I definitely don't want them to come with us, but I miss them anyway."

"You're hopeless."

"I think you're right."

* * *

"Oh blessed fresh air!" Lindsay exclaimed happily as they exited the Portland airport later that afternoon. "Doesn't it smell so good? Like rain and… look at the trees over there! They're green Adam!"

"You have been in the city way too long," he chuckled as they walked to the parking garage to get their rental car. "I need to take you out of it more often."

"Please do. Can we go to the beach now?"

"As soon as we find our car and figure out how to actually get to the beach."

"You brought the GPS didn't you?"

"I did, but I hear tell that this is the most GPS unfriendly city in the country."

"Oh you hear tell huh?" she asked with a little wink. "Well then we're in for a screaming good time."

"Our car fights are the best."

She smiled as he unlocked their rented car and put the suitcases in the back.

"And now our vacation starts."

"Finally."

"Still miss the kids?"

"Well of course I miss them. But don't remind me of that right now okay?"

"Alright. Want to grab lunch before we head out?"

"Sure. Junk?"

"Yes."

He did a quick search on the GPS and found a place on their way, then headed out of the parking garage. He kept glancing over at her as they drove, enjoying the little smile on her face and how different she looked here, as if she was somewhere that she was meant to be.

After a few wrong turns and a longer jaunt off the highway than they planned, they were on the road to the beach with burgers in hand and The Beatles on the radio. The day had started out overcast, but a strong autumn sun had started to peek through the clouds as they drove through little towns with funny names and found themselves in the middle of a national forest, surrounded by tall fir trees and small creeks on either side of the road. Lindsay sighed and put her feet up on the dashboard, tapping her toes gently. They'd been silent for at least half an hour and it was nice to be together but alone with their own thoughts.

"So."

"So."

"I've been thinking."

"I've been preparing to listen."

She smiled and took her feet off the dash, turning in her seat so she could look at him.

"I want another baby."

"You can't do that to me when I'm driving!"

"I guess I should have opened with something else," she commented, her hand clutching her chest in reaction from his near miss with the guardrail.

"You told me absolutely not, there was no way we were having another baby and now you're saying you want one?"

"Well… yeah. I don't necessarily mean that I want to have a baby, but I would like to have a baby. I mean, I don't want to have to give birth, but I would like to have another child. In our family. One that's ours."

"You know we can't have another baby if you're going to keep smoking the crack."

She sighed and shook her head.

"Why can't you listen to me when I'm blathering on without actually being able to tell you what I actually mean?"

"Um…"

"What I mean is that I was thinking that maybe in a few years or maybe even now we could revisit the idea of adoption. And I know maybe we're not ready to jump in tomorrow, but I just kind of want to make sure the idea is still on the table."

"It was never off the table. I thought we were just waiting."

"I know. We hadn't talked about it in quite a while so I thought… I didn't want to forget, you know?"

"We won't forget."

"I don't want to keep putting it off. I don't want to get into the cycle of saying that next year life will be calm enough. Life will never be calm."

"Okay. Then what's the earliest you'd like to start the process?"

She shrugged and watched the forest whip by the window as they drove.

"Probably not until Avery goes to school."

"Okay. Then that's when we start. No excuses."

"It can take years."

"I know. We'll get informed and figure it out from there, okay?"

"Okay."

"Now, is there anything else you want to drop on me?"

"Um… I love you."

"I love you too."

"Hold my hand."

"My pleasure."

She sighed happily and was quiet for the next few miles, leaning forward at every turn and wondering if suddenly, behind the hill, they would stumble upon the ocean. She was disappointed every time and he laughed at her, pointing out that they were still a few miles away and they had to merge onto a different highway before they would be there.

"So Adam, are we good?" she asked after a bit, looking at the small house turned surf shop.

"Yeah. Why?"

"I just mean… Is our marriage really better than everyone else's like I think it is?"

"Of course it is."

"We didn't get the seven year itch. Does that mean we're doing something wrong?"

"Babe, are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Then we're doing everything right."

"I just like feedback."

"Just wait a little while and I'll give you tons of feedback."

Her brow furrowed in confusion and he just smiled, turning his gaze back to the road.

"What do you… Oh Adam."

The dance his eyebrows did only made her shake her head in amusement.

"You were scoffing at me and you missed the first glimpse of the ocean."

"Oh wait, I want a do-over!"

"That'll teach you not to roll your eyes at me."

"Fine, fine."

He turned the music down a little and glanced at the GPS, following the directions to their hotel. It was right on the beach and looked much more like a resort than a hotel. It had to be one of the tallest buildings in town and he was hoping their room was facing the beach instead of giving them a birds eye view of the street below.

"Adam, this place is huge."

"I know. Let's see, I'm going to park right here for now and check us in. You want to call the kids?"

She nodded as he parked the car and got out, heading inside the building. She glanced in the windows and through the lobby, noticing the huge windows on the other side the looked out over the pool and hot tub, and the ocean. It had turned into a blustery day again, but she didn't mind much; they'd been planning on a cold beach trip. That was something people didn't really understand, beaches didn't have to be hot and humid. They could be blanketed in fog, swirling with wind, the waters frigid, and the experience could be even richer.

Grabbing her phone she called Jo, wondering how long the kids had slept this morning and if the interruption in their sleeping had made them grumpy.

"Hey, how's the trip?" Jo greeted as she answered the phone.

"It's good so far. We just got here. It's beautiful and foggy and I don't care how cold it is, I am putting my feet in the ocean."

"Atta girl."

"How are the kids?"

"They're doing fine. The boys set the table for dinner and Avery helped me put ice in everyone's cups and now we're just waiting until the food is done."

"Are they being good? Not fighting or anything?"

"Nope. They've been really helpful all day. Avery was pretty clingy until lunchtime, but I think once she saw food she felt better. Colton just walked in, want to talk to him?"

"Yes please."

Jo handed the phone over and Colton took it, climbing up into the big recliner and burying himself a little quilt.

"Hi mama! Are you and daddy having fun?"

"Yeah we are. We found a prize for you at the airport already but I can't tell you what it is yet."

"Okay. Me and Ben went with Mac today to the music store because he got his bass fixed and he had to pick it up. And we went there and the guy that fixed the bass was in the Marines with Mac and they told us stories about fun stuff they used to do when they weren't on duty. Then when we came home Mac showed us pictures of back then. The Jo came in and said how Mac was so handsome and then his face turned red and we stopped looking at the pictures. After that we had lunch and then us kids played in the backyard. Did you know Mac is making a fountain out there for Jo? Well he is. He just has a hole dug right now for the water and we played in the hole for a while and then Jo said it was time for naps and Aves pitched a fit and Mac gave her a talkin' to and she shaped up and we all took a nap."

"Quite an eventful day you've had buddy."

"Yep. It was fun. I like stayin' with the Messers but over here is really fun too. Feels like our other home."

"I'm glad. We really miss you guys."

"We miss you too. I told the kids that we are happy you and daddy are having fun."

"We'll send you guys some pictures, okay?"

"Okay mama. It's time for dinner now. Can we call you at bedtime?"

"Of course. I'll talk to you then honey. Be good."

"Bye mama, love you!"

They hung up the phone just as Adam came out of the building with their room keys.

"So guess what."

"What?"

"They upgraded our room. We were back in the corner but they put us in one of the rooms that looks right over the beach."

"Oh? Why did they do that?"

"It's a low season and they had rooms open and I talked them into it. Start thinking of ways to thank me now."

"I'm always thinkin' babe."

He gave an exaggerated shiver and turned the car on, driving into the parking garage and finding a spot relatively easily. They unloaded the car and went into the building to their room, which was about halfway up the building and had a large deck that looked out over the ocean. She dropped her suitcase and went out to look, leaning against the rail and breathing deeply, taken aback at the expanse of everything.

"What do you think babe?" Adam asked, appearing behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "Did I do good?"

"Very good," she assured, turning to look at him.

"You know, the bedroom looks over the beach too. Want to come see?"

* * *

"It's freezing cold out here Linds. Why are we doing this?"

"Because it's lowtide. That's when you can find the best shells."

"I thought beach combing was supposed to be relaxing."

"We're hunting. And you have hot chocolate so stop complaining."

"Babe, you're walking down the beach at midnight with a flashlight when its less than forty degrees out. No shell is worth this."

"Ben asked for a whole "sandallo" and I am going to get one for him."

"We can buy one at one of those gift shops."

"He asked for one from the beach and I am getting him one from the beach. If I wait until morning the seagulls will have cracked the shells open."

He sighed and kept walking next to her, his arm around her shoulders and enjoying the moment even if it was cold and windy. They were together, even if he wasn't comfortable.

"You know what?"

"Hmm?"

"I feel like we're newlyweds again. Remember the day on our honeymoon when the cruise ship docked in that little beach town in Alaska?"

"It was considerably colder that day."

"Yeah, but we still had fun didn't we?"

"Only because the woods were so thick."

She shot him a look and felt a blush creeping up her face even though there was no one around to hear his vague reference.

"I didn't mean that. I meant the fact that it was just us together and no one else and we did our own thing and… you know what, stop laughing at me!"

"I'm not laughing at you really honey. I'm just thinking about pine needles."

"Okay so we had a romp in the woods ten years ago. I'm sure lots of people do it."

"I doubt lots of people have the experience of realizing there was a bear thirty feet away the entire time."

"You still haven't told anybody about it right?"

"Of course not!"

"Good."

He smiled at the look on her face, then pulled her shoulders gently so she would stop and look at him.

"What?"

He kissed her gently for a moment, letting her take the lead and pull them closer. His free hand tangled in her hair and his thumb circled around her ear over and over again until she had to break the kiss to take a breath.

"How do you do that?"

"It's a gift."

"I would say it's marketable but I think I want it all to myself."

"I wouldn't make you share."

"Well if you want to increase your skills, I'm always a willing partner."

He gave her a smile and they kept walking, this time away from the beach and back to the hotel. He kept pinching her sides and grabbing her waist, flirting as shamelessly as he always had, in fact, almost proud that he couldn't keep his hands off her.

"Shh, there's people trying to sleep around here."

"I don't care."

"Adam."

"Where's the key?"

"It's in my back pocket but-"

He found the key and gave her a little pinch as he did so, leaning down to kiss her while he unlocked the door. He pulled her inside and they stumbled through the hallway into the bedroom where the moon was shining through the windows. He pulled their coats off and dropped them on the floor and she giggled to herself as he placed her on the bed and peeled her shoes off.

"What are you doing?"

"Opening the window."

"Why?"

"Ocean."

"Okay."

He joined her again, taking control of his fervor as he lay down next to her and pulled her into his arms.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Thanks for marrying me."

"Thanks for asking."

He was about to say something but stopped, staring deep into her eyes for a long time before she reached up to gently scratch her fingers through his hair.

"I can't believe you're mine Lindsay. Never in my life did I think I would get this lucky."

"I never thought I would either. And we get forever. Don't forget that part."

"Sometimes you make me care about nothing but right now."

"Carpe Diem."

"Oh believe me, I'm about to."


	251. Chapter 251

"Did you make coffee? Tell me you made coffee."

"I made coffee."

"Now did you actually make it or did you just tell me you did because I asked you to?"

"Both."

Lindsay chuckled and rolled over, finding Adam kneeling next to her, somehow very chipper despite how late they'd stayed up the night before.

"What's up?"

"Nothing."

"I thought we were going to sleep in today," she sighed, blinking a few times.

"It's ten."

"Sleeping in is relative to the time you went to sleep, not how close it is to lunch. Seeing as how you kept me awake until three, this is not sleeping in."

"I beg to differ, dear. Sleeping in is merely a phrase used to describe when one sleeps later into the day than normal. For example, if I normally wake up around six, then getting up at seven would be sleeping in, even if I went to bed at midnight."

"Ah, but sleeping in is meant to be a luxury, and therefore can really only occur when one sleeps for more hours than normal, no matter what time of day the sleeping takes place."

"You are basing your argument on the connotation of the phrase, rather than the denotation, which, as we all know is the proper use of the phrase in this discussion."

"Good sir, I believe you are mistaken."

"A pox upon thee!" he declared, rolling out of the bed and walking across the room. She giggled as she watched him, wondering just how determined he was about this.

"I'm going to use the newfangled internet contraption to once and for all silence your argument!"

She smiled and stretched, listening to the sound of the ocean in the distance and the rain right outside the window. She couldn't think of a better way to wake up.

"Forsooth, I am correct dear woman!"

"Well dang," she drawled, rolling over onto her stomach and dangling her arm over the side of the bed.

"That was the most anti-climactic argument we've ever had."

"My mental faculties are suffering because you didn't allow me to sleep in."

"But I did and we've established that!" he said, jumping back in bed next to her and valiantly taking the pillow to the face.

"Why did you wake up anyway?" she asked as his hands went to work tickling her gently. "You didn't sleep any more than I did."

"Yeah but I wanted to spend the entire day with you, so I woke up early. But you were sleeping and you looked so cute with your nose all crinkled up that I couldn't wake you."

"I'm adorable."

"Totally agree."

"I'll be more adorable once I get a shower. So up you go, get off of me."

"I haven't even kissed you good morning yet."

She cracked a small smile and he kissed her a few times before letting her go.

"You go shower. I'm going to call Jo and check on the kids and then we can go for a walk."

"Okay. Are you going to feed me too?"

"Yeah, we'll find something."

She went into the bathroom and he stood from the bed, going into the other room to find his phone, then heading out to the deck. The rain had slowed to a drizzle and he sat down in one of the chairs, propping his feet up on the railing while he placed the call.

"Hey Adam. Avery and I were just getting ready to call you guys."

"Oh really? And how is Miss Avery this morning?"

"Better than she was last night."

He grimaced and let out a sigh.

"What happened?"

"After you guys called to say goodnight she started crying and couldn't stop. She wouldn't let us hold her, she kept escaping when we tried to put her to bed and when we tried to calm her down she just cried harder."

"Oh man, I'm so sorry. Did she ever go to sleep?"

"Colton ended up grabbing her and holding her until she stopped crying and then the kids all talked for a few minutes and she seemed to be better. We were going to let her sleep in the other room but she insisted that she wanted her brothers, so they all slept in one room together. I think she'll be better tonight, she was just overly tired."

"I hope she didn't put you out too much."

"No, it was okay. We figured at least one of the kids would have some separation anxiety. She's okay now, I promise."

"Can I talk to her?"

"Sure. Avery, someone's on the phone for you."

"Um, hello?"

"Hey Tink!"

"Daddy! Oh daddy!" Avery said, starting to cry. "Miss you so most!"

"I miss you too baby. Don't cry, it's okay."

"I cry an' cry daddy. Want you an' mama."

"I know. We've been thinking about you this whole time. Did you do anything fun?"

"Um, go to the park. I ride Mac's shoulders."

"That sounds like a lot of fun."

"The boys go school. Coley gived me kisses and Ben gived hugs. Me and Jo-Jo play today."

"Are you going to take a nap soon?"

"No. Mac gotted Ben. They back soon. Me an' Ben play in yard."

"Okay. But if Jo tells you it's naptime, I want you to listen to her."

"Okay daddy. Oh! I go in the potty! Like big girl!"

"You did?"

"Yes! Jo-Jo an' Mac clap for me! I do good job!"

"Avery, I am so proud of you! What a big girl!"

"Mama be proud?"

"Yes she will. I'll tell her all about it."

"Daddy come home?"

"Six more sleeps honey. We'll be back on Sunday afternoon."

"Okay. Love you daddy."

"I love you too Averylin. Be a good girl."

"I be good. Bye bye."

They hung up and he looked down at the picture of the kids on the screen of his phone. He was glad that he and Lindsay could get away like this, but he did miss the kids a lot. There was no place he would rather be than with them, even if it was nice to have a little break occasionally.

"Hey. How are the kids?" Lindsay asked, shutting the screen door behind her and forgoing the other chair in favor of sitting in his lap.

"Seems like they're doing fine," he answered. "Avery said she went in the potty like a big girl."

"Finally."

"She's very proud of herself so hopefully it lasts."

"Yeah, that would be good."

"You ready to get going?"

"Can we just sit here for a bit? It's cozy."

He tightened his grip on her and kissed her forehead in response and she smiled and closed her eyes.

"We should come back here with the kids someday. They'd like it."

"Yeah."

"Especially that arcade down there."

"And the bumper cars."

"The rain smells good."

"So do you."

"So do you."

He chuckled as she stood up and held her hand out for him, apparently ready to go.

"Come on, I want to go exploring."

"Okay. Did you want to drive up to the Goonies house today or tomorrow?"

"Let's go tomorrow. I don't feel like driving today."

"As you wish," he said, grabbing his wallet off the counter. "Where to first?"

"I want to check out that toy store."

"What for?"

"To buy a pony?"

"I thought we said we weren't getting a bunch of presents for the kids."

"We're not. I just want to see if I can find them each something special."

"Wanna hit that Chinese restaurant for lunch?"

"Sure. And then maybe we should go grocery shopping because eating out all week isn't prudent."

"Hey, there's no sales tax here. I forgot about that."

"Let us celebrate with a ridiculous purchase, just for the receipt."

"Yeah, that's prudent."

* * *

"I don't think we really needed all this pop," Adam commented with a chuckle as they left the little shop each carrying two six-packs of mix and match pop bottles.

"We don't need it? Adam, this one is called _Leninade_. Don't tell me we don't need it."

"And it's true, I haven't had birch beer in a really long time. I'm just wondering how we're going to get this all home."

"I'll figure it out. I'm excited about the Lime Rickey Soda. And the Sarsaparilla."

"I can't believe they had a brand called _Avery's Gross._"

"I know, what could be more perfect?"

"Let's go put all this stuff back in our room and then we'll go to dinner."

By they time they put everything away and made it back downstairs, the sun was starting to set over the ocean. They stood at the end of the boardwalk for a while, watching the sun sink further and further down in the sky until the light from it skimmed across the water.

"I wish we could see that every day."

"Me too. Come on, I'm hungry and I want surf and turf."

She smiled and followed him down the street to a seafood restaurant where they were seated quickly and given ample time to look over their menus.

"I want everything," Lindsay decided finally.

"So I'm ordering for you?"

"Yes please."

She put her menu down and checked her phone finding no messages about the kids or otherwise. There was a little ping of disappointment, but she reminded herself that no news was good news and as long as the kids were getting along okay, then she could enjoy the vacation.

"Want to rent a movie tonight? I feel like staying in and not doing much," Adam suggested once their order had been placed.

"I was actually thinking the same thing. Stretch out on that big couch and watch something stupid. Have popcorn that's not burnt because we had burnt last time."

"Okay. But I pick the movie."

"Fair trade."

"I like this relationship we've worked out."

"Me too."

He reached across the table for her hand and they stared out at the darkening ocean, being in silence together because it was comfortable and safe.

"Ten years," she said softly after a while. "I can't believe it's been that long."

"Feels like five minutes."

"Yeah. And I don't feel nearly that old."

"That's because we haven't chased the kids for two days."

She smiled and propped her chin up on her free hand and sighed a little.

"You're beautiful."

"You made me that way."

"Do you believe me when I say that?"

"I believe that you believe it, and that's good enough for me."

"That's my well-adjusted wife."

"I love you a lot you know. Really a lot. In a way that's probably not scientifically possible."

"Defying the laws of science just to love me? I'm in shock."

"No, that's love too."

"And that weird feeling in my stomach?"

"Love."

"Wow. I love you a lot."

"I always suspected."

He stood up from the table and came around to her side, wrapping his arms around her despite her questioning look.

"What are you doing?"

"I just needed to do this for a minute."

"You don't care that people are looking?"

"Nope."

"Okay."

He hugged her for a minute more then went back to his side of the table with a little grin.

"Adam, you're so odd."

"Yes, yes I am."

"I like that."

* * *

"When I pictured us laying out on the beach, I didn't really think there would be three layers of clothing involved," Adam chuckled, laying back against a log on the beach and crossing his legs at the ankle.

"I like it better this way. Cozy."

"It's forty degrees out."

"I'm warm," she argued, nuzzling a little closer to him. "It's not so bad."

"This is coming from the girl who used to play outside in the snow until her eyelashes froze together."

"Fresh air is good for you."

He rolled his eyes and kissed the end of her frigid nose, wondering why he always let her talk him into things that he regretted later.

"Besides," she continued with a little sniffle borne of the colder temperature. "We said our life is an adventure right?"

"Yeah, but so is climbing Mt. Everest without a guide and we don't do that, do we?"

"No, but only because you don't like heights."

"You're lucky I love you so much."

"Yeah, I know."

He found her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing each fingertip separately before pressing it to his chest to warm it up.

"If I fall asleep out here…"

"I'm blaming it on hypothermia."

"Babe, stop being such a whiner. Look, the moon is out and it's bright, the sky is clear, we can hear the waves, there's no one else out here and you've got me laying here with you. What do you have to complain about?"

"Lack of feeling in my toes."

"Okay that's it," she sighed, standing up and brushing herself off. "You need to move."

He grumbled and stood up too, watching her wander over to the set of swings that were set back further from the water. She picked the one in the middle and sat down, kicking off from the ground and giving him a little smile.

"You gonna join me or are you just going to stand there?"

He gave her a grin and walked over to the swings, moving behind so he could push.

"Thought you were going to swing with me."

"Nah, this way I can check out your butt. And maybe touch it."

"I'm gonna barf into the sand."

He laughed and gave her another gentle push, watching as the wind blew her hair back and forth, tangling the curls all over each other and creating a headache for her in more ways than one. She didn't seem to mind, and he was handy enough with a comb that he could probably work most of the knots out for her later. She'd be happy with the gesture and he'd be happy that she was happy so there really was no reason to fret about tangles right now anyway.

After a while he sat down on the other swing and kicked off, matching her height until they were swinging in sync.

"Look, we're married!" she giggled, glancing over at him.

"What?"

"You never did that? When I was a kid if you were swinging exactly at the same time, you were married, if it was opposite you hated each other and if you were facing different directions but swinging at the same time you were divorced."

"Not much to do up in Montana is there?"

"Shut up."

He laughed and jumped off of his swing, into the sand, being reminded halfway down that he wasn't eight anymore.

"Oof!"

"Hey! You cheated on me!" she exclaimed, jumping off after him, then letting out a grunt of pain as she came to rest on the ground. "That hurt."

"We are not so spry."

"No we're not. But you're not deathly cold anymore are you?"

"Nope."

He rolled onto his side and brushed her hair away from her face then pressed his nose gently to hers.

"I'd rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world, no matter how cold it is."

"I'd rather you be here with me no matter how much you complain."

"Good. Now, how about that movie?"

She gave him a nod and they made their way back to their room where Adam immediately shed his several of his layers, then exclaimed that it was too hot.

"Honey, you've got to be kidding me," Lindsay chuckled as he whipped his shirt off.

"What? I'm hot."

"No comment."

He slid his pants off and left them in a heap on the floor, then found the movie they'd rented and put it into the player. She just stared at him while he stretched out on the couch and reached up to turn the lamp off.

"You gonna join me or just stand there?"

She hesitated, slowly taking off her shoes, then her socks, then deciding to just go for it, and shedding the rest of her clothes and grabbing an extra blanket because she knew they would be cold in a little while.

"Why are we watching a movie in our underwear?" she asked after a moment.

"Because you succumbed to peer pressure. If you didn't do it then it would just be me sitting around in my boxers."

Smirking because he was right, she laid down on the couch with him and sighed when his hands ran over her skin.

"Better be careful what you're doing or we'll never make it through this movie."

"I'll be good."

"Thank you. You can be bad later."

"Don't say that or this movie is going to feel a lot longer than two hours."

"Maybe we'll have to break for intermission."

"I really, really love you. I might rescind that statement if you tell anyone about this."

"Anyone?"

"Austin."

"What, you don't want her to know that we spent the week eating way too much food, sitting around in our underwear and participating in the maritals every chance we got?"

"Hey, we went shopping too."

She just rolled her eyes and dropped the conversation. It was no use trying to convince him that she didn't tell Austin everything all the time, he would never believe that.

"Hey so why did we get this movie?"

"Because you said you wanted to see it."

"I did? Why are we suddenly trusting my taste in movies?"

"Because it was the only thing we could rent."

"Oh. We didn't think about finding something on TV?"

"You really don't like this movie do you Linds?"

"No, not really."

"Okay then. What are we going to do instead?"

"Make pancakes."

"Is that code for something or-"

"I'm hungry and we're making pancakes okay?"

"Yes ma'am. But you're going to have to get up in order for this to happen."

She hesitated for a moment, then sighed and shook her head.

"I guess this movie isn't too bad."

He laughed and held her closer for a moment, then kissed her head.

"I'm really glad I married you, you know that?"

"Right back at you."


	252. Chapter 252

"Hey Cole. Cole. Wake up! It's me Ben!"

"I know it's you. Who else would it be?"

"I dunno. Could be like… Ronald McDonald."

"Ben why would Ronald McDonald be in our room?"

"Looking for fries," Ben replied with a shrug.

"Right. Why are you making me wake up? It's dark outside."

"I heared Mac making breakfast. I thought we could go downstairs and have some."

"I'm more tired than hungry but you can go. I'll stay here with Aves so if she wakes up she doesn't have a meltdown."

"Melt? I hope Mac melted cheese on something!"

Ben jumped out of the huge bed and ran downstairs into the kitchen, finding it empty.

"Wait just a minute here! I thinked I heared cookin'!" he grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I was just starting the coffee and I went to get the paper," Mac explained as he came into the kitchen. "What are you doing up?"

"I was hungry."

Mac chuckled and Ben climbed up onto the counter, rubbing at his eyes.

"Mac? I really miss my mama and daddy. My greatest wish is for them to come home."

"They'll be home in a few more days."

"See, my brain knows that. But my heart doesn't. And it makes my eyes want to cry because I just… I want mama to kiss my cheeks and for daddy to give me a strong hug. And my heart just feels very fat and heavy and it needs to have a little cry. But that's not being a brave good boy like daddy asked me and Cole to be. So you see now I am makin' a tough choice about if I want to cry or be brave. I don't know what to choose."

Mac chuckled a little and stood in front of Ben, choosing his words carefully.

"You know what I think? I think that sometimes being brave means letting yourself cry. So if you want to cry buddy, you go for it."

"Oh Mac thank you so much! I am going to go in to the other room and sit in your big chair and cry and then I will come back and help you make breakfast, okay?"

"If that's what you want to do."

"It is. Then after that could we maybe call mama and daddy?" he asked, his chin quivering a little. "I just want to say to them that I love them so much."

"We'll call them a little later okay?"

"Okay. I'll be right back."

He headed into the other room just as Avery came down the stairs with her hair sticking up in every direction and her eyes red and puffy with sleep.

"Ben? What is doing?"

"I'm gonna cry. You can go and hang out with Mac."

She tilted her head to the side in question then wandered into the kitchen, grabbing onto Mac's leg without greeting.

"Good morning Avery. What can I do for you?"

"Want drink. I no potty in diaper. And snuggles please. Where Jo-Jo?"

"She's still sleeping. I don't know how you kids wake up so early. I might have to talk to your mama about this."

"Oh mama!" Avery hollered, bursting into tears, as if she had forgotten. "Avery want mama! Mama!"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to remind you," Mac said, picking her up and holding her close while she cried. "Hey guess what?"

"No guess! Want mama!"

"Oh but if your mama comes back today you won't get to see the fun surprise."

"Su'pise?"

"Yeah. Do you want to know what the surprise is?"

"Yes."

"Today none of the kids have school so we're going to go to the children's museum and Isa and Sarah and Junior are all coming with us."

"Oh my! So fun! We go now?"

"Not yet. After breakfast."

"Yum breakfast. I have egg an' toast?"

"You sure can. Why don't you go check on Ben? He said he would help me."

"Okay!"

She wiggled down from his arms and ran into the living room, seeing that Ben had just finished his crying session and was wiping his eyes.

"Wow sissy. We really are a mess without mama and daddy aren't we? I think we are. But we got each other."

"Ben, you help Mac! Make food for Avery eat!"

"I will go help but you can't whine if it takes too long. That's what's called bein' a ungrateful guest."

"Oh. Okay Ben. I watch. And eat."

"That's what you always do anyway sissy."

* * *

"Did we really think this through when we decided to take all six kids to the museum?" Jo asked, her accent getting thicker as they tried to navigate around the throngs of people.

"Maybe not. I thought the kids would all fall in line when I asked them to. I didn't realize that they don't listen when they're excited."

"Too much to hope for. Avery don't touch please."

"But this is a hands-on place!" Isa reminded them. "We're supposed to touch. Go ahead Avery. Touch that other thing instead."

"Jo-Jo say no. I be good girl. Like Sarah."

Isa rolled her eyes and went back to the car racing display that she and Ben had been playing with. It was a lesson in gravity and kinetic energy, but they were much more interested in which car was going to win the race.

"Um Papaw, can you lift me up to see over there? That tornado machine. I gotta take a look."

Mac smiled and picked Sarah up, putting her on his shoulders so she could see across the large room.

"I decided I would like to go over there. Can you take me?"

"Sure. Let's see if Colton and Junior want to go too."

"Colton Matthew and Daniel! Me and Papaw are going to that thing over there. Want to come?"

Both boys agreed and they headed off across the room while Jo kept an eye on the other three.

"Ben I think if you pull that thing back a little bit more, then your car will go farther."

"How far Isa?"

"All the way back. Far as it will go. Try it."

He obeyed her instructions then whooped with joy when his car beat the previous time.

"Thanks for the help Isa! That was fun! Wanna do somethin' else now?"

"Sure! What looks good?"

"Look at that pet place over there! You could be a real animal doctor!"

"How about I be the owner and you can be the doctor. And maybe Avery could be something too."

"I be somethin' too!" Avery agreed with excitement. "I play with big kids!"

Jo laughed and let her down to the floor and then followed the kids as they ran into the miniature veterinary clinic. Ben grabbed a stethoscope and immediately started taking care of a stuffed dog that Isa had picked out of the pile. Avery flitted about anxiously, as if the dog's life hung in the balance.

"Well I gots some good news! Your doggy will be as good as new! All he gots to do is eat his veggies! Now, I need to write you a bill for this so you can pay me. What is your doggy's name?"

"Jimi Hendrix."

Ben nodded and scribbled on the pad of paper, then handed it to Isa.

"You need to pay me eleventy dollars and fifty-two census."

Isa giggled and pretended to hand him money, then walked out of the clinic.

"Thanks doc!"

"You're welcome! Tell your friends!"

"My turn!" Avery hollered, bringing over a stuffed chicken. "Him sick."

"You need to be more specific, ma'am."

"Him sick!" she repeated with a shout.

"Not louder sissy. Tell me what his issue is!"

"Him don't make eggs. Need eggs for eatin'. Him broke."

"Oh dear. Does he cluck?"

"No. Moos."

"Sissy, chickens don't moo."

"Um… Isa?"

"Chickens cluck, Avery. But is this a boy?"

"Yep. Boy chicken."

"Then that means he's a rooster. And roosters don't lay eggs. He's cured!"

Avery squealed happily and hugged the chicken while she pranced around the room.

"Now that is what's called stealin' my thunder, Isa."

"I didn't mean to, Ben. I was just um… I was playing that I was your nurse! Yeah, I was helping you with your patient."

"Oh! In that case, you can steal my thunder any old time!"

"Could I be the doctor now? I would like a try."

"Sure! I will be the owner of this kitty! It's a girl kitty what's called Linda."

Isa snickered but turned it into a concerned cough.

"Well kitty Linda, what seems to be the trouble today?"

"She gots diarrhea," Ben reported somberly. "And she can only walk backwards."

"I have never seen a case like this! In fifteen hundred years of bein' an animal doctor. Let me talk with another doctor real quick."

She grabbed the toy phone off the wall and spoke into it quickly, nodding her head seriously before hanging up.

"Okay, I have a solution! First to make her um… tummy better she needs to drink some coffee because our ma's say that fixes everything. And then to get her walkin' straight we need to spin in backwards circles real fast and reverse the spin of the earth!"

They both started to spin quickly while Avery watched in fascination and clapped her hands louder the faster they went.

"Are we reversin' it yet Isa?"

"Just a few… more… turns…"

"I feel like I'm goin' back to the future!"

"One more spin and done! Kitty Linda should be walkin' all normal now."

Ben staggered over to the table and looked at the cat, deciding she was fine.

"Yep, you cured her Isa! Fantastic job! How much do I owe you?"

"Um, you could just say this one is on the house."

"Who's house?"

"Mine."

"Oh. Okay."

Isa chuckled and reached her hand out to ruffle his hair.

"You know what Ben? You're actually a pretty cool kid."

* * *

"Mama, you won't believe what Ben said at the dinner table tonight! Something that is so bad that he had to have a talk with Mac!"

"Are you tattling?" Lindsay asked, leaning back in the chair and yawning.

"No because he was already punished by not getting dessert."

"Okay then, what did he say?"

"Well first he said "Hey, how come this pizza don't got no sauce on it?" and then Mac told him it was Stromboli and it doesn't have sauce and then Ben said… well Ben said real loud "Well what the hell man?" and then Mac choked on his dinner and Jo was upset because she knows we don't use those words. So Mac had a talk with him and Ben said he only said that because Isa said it but Mac said it was not the time to get Isa in trouble."

"Sounds like a lot of excitement."

"Yeah it was. What did you and daddy do today at the beach?"

"We went for a drive and visited a lighthouse and bought some chocolate."

"I wish I could have been there. I miss you guys."

"We miss you too. Can we have a mama and Colton day when we get back? I'd really like to hang out with my favorite first-born."

"Okay! I'll start thinking of things to do right now! I'll write them down so I don't forget."

"I'll think of things too and then we'll compile our lists and do something that we both thought of."

"That's a real good plan mama. I'm gonna go get started! Here's Ben!"

There was a quiet shuffling noise and Ben came on the phone with a sigh.

"Well I suppose you heared about my disappointin' behavior of before."

"I did, but it seems that Mac took care of it, so we don't need to discuss it now. How was the rest of your day?"

"It was fun mama. We played and played and played with the Messers and then we had to take naps but that was okay. And then we ate dinner and Mac had to leave to do his job so now it's just us kids and Jo-Jo and also Ellie came over. We're going to watch a movie and then have bedtime. And if you talk to sissy could you relay the message to her that she kicks too much in her sleep and it hurts me?"

"I'll do my best baby."

"Know what happened at the museum today? Well Mac and Jo-Jo losted sissy! She was just gone! And I was very upset and I said to them "How could you lose sissy? Her is huge!" and then we finded her. She was hidin' behind some kid because she thinked it was funny. Then Mac had to hold her for the rest of the time, on account of he didn't want her runnin' off no more. She didn't like that of course, but she haved her chance."

"She's probably learned her lesson then."

"I miss you and daddy so, so, so, so much. I really need to hug you real hard. And then I will do a deep breath because of the fact that I like the way you smell like a pretty flower in the sunshine."

"That's what I smell like?"

"Yep! It's a smell what comforts me when I'm distressed."

She laughed and shook her head at his antics, wishing she could wrap her arms around him and hold on for three or four days.

"I love you Ben Ry."

"I love you too mama! Our movie is startin' soon because the popcorn is ready. I will go snuggle with Jo-Jo and you be good over there at the beach okay?"

"I'll be good sweetie."

"Okay bye mama!"

The phone clicked off and she giggled to herself, missing the kids so much that it hurt, but grateful that they were having so much fun.

"Hey, you almost ready to go?" Adam asked as he came out onto the deck.

"Yeah."

"Talking to the kids?"

"I miss them a little."

"Come on, let's go dancing and get your mind off of it."

He pulled her up from the chair and wrapped his arms around her while she sighed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Not much longer and we'll be back with the kids again."

"I know."

"Until then let's enjoy ourselves okay?"

"Alright. Now where is this honky-tonk you speak of and what possessed you to want to take me there?"

He gave her a little grin and took her back inside, sliding her jean jacket around her shoulders.

"Because dancing makes you happy."

"You don't like it."

"I like watching you and I am grateful when you let me dance with you because everyone else in the whole place is really jealous of me."

"He uses flattery! It's highly successful!"

"You make me laugh."

"I do my best."

They left the room and made their way down to the car where Adam fought with the GPS and Lindsay laughed at him.

"Shut up."

"It's funny! You spend your days solving crime using very high tech devices, but you still can't get a GPS to give you the proper directions."

He glared at her and they were finally on their way across town to a place he had found online that boasted an authentic country feel. He was certain that it wouldn't feel real to her but as long as the music was loud and there were boots on a hardwood floor, she would be happy.

* * *

"You never told me you were in a band. How did I go so many years without knowing this?"

Lindsay just laughed and shook her head, wondering why the old memory had never surfaced in all their years together.

"I think I repressed the memory. No one wants to admit that they were the keyboardist in a cover band back in the late 90's."

"Okay, how did this come to be? How did you find yourself doing Joni Mitchell covers?"

She laughed again and rolled her eyes, realizing now that there was a reason she had never brought this up.

"There was this guy at my high school who was trying to do a benefit to raise money for the local hospital. He wanted to make it a dinner and a talent show, and at the last minute a few of us formed a band to help him out. We called ourselves "Since Tuesday" because we'd only been around since Tuesday."

"And how long were you together?"

"Probably about three months. We never played anywhere but at that benefit, then we just tinkered around in my friends' garage during the summer. It wasn't really anything to put on my resume."

"Maybe not but it's still interesting to me."

"You're easily amused."

"I must be because I think you are absolutely hilarious."

"You're a punk."

He smiled and spun her out and back to him again, humming a little tune. The country themed club they'd gone to had closed almost an hour ago, but they were still dancing in the parking lot because there was no reason for them not to. He held her in his arms every day, often for hours, but there was something different and special about this, and he couldn't bear to let go. She didn't seem to want any space either.

He slid his fingers through her belt loops to pull her even closer, and she rested against him with a sigh, memories tumbling through her head, bringing tears to her eyes and she thought of how lucky she was.

"Hey."

"Hmm?"

"You know that fake fireplace in the room?"

"Yeah."

"We should go try it out."

"That's what you want?"

"Yep."

"Alright, let's go."

"Thanks for takin' me dancing."

"Anytime, love."

They walked back to the car and he held the door open for her, then leaned in to buckle her seatbelt and kiss her softly.

"All safe in there?"

"All safe."

He smiled and closed her door, then walked around to his side of the car, getting in carefully, grinning when she reached her hand out for his, even before he had started the car. As they drove through town it seemed that everyone had gone to bed long ago, and that they were the only ones in the world. He briefly considered taking her down to the beach again, but she had requested the fireplace, and the beach could wait.

"Do we have any candy left from earlier?" she asked as they walked to their room.

"I think there's some saltwater taffy left."

"Mm, perfect. I'm going to go change."

He grabbed her waist and kissed her gently before she went into the other room, then walked over to the fireplace and turned it on. It sprung to life, crackling semi-realistically and putting off a fair amount of heat for something that was fake.

"Ooh, that looks pretty."

He smiled and turned to look at her, seeing the baggy sweats and her combed through hair.

"So do you."

"Stop."

He smiled and toed his shoes off then sat down on the couch and pulled her down with him.

"Tell me something."

"What?"

"Anything."

She thought for a few moments, chewing on her lip before she thought of something.

"Spiral staircases freak me out."

"Why?"

"I don't know, they just do. Always have."

"Do you think you're going to fall?"

"No. I just always feel like they're haunted or something. Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing. I think it's interesting, that's all."

"Your turn."

He tapped his chin in thought and gave a few long sighs until she elbowed him in the ribs.

"Okay fine. After my parents split up, my mom didn't have a lot of money. She had to go back to work and for the first year she worked two full time jobs and occasionally a third. I hardly ever got to see her and I spent a lot of time alone or with the neighbor kids. But once a month she would save up some money and she would take me to the cheap theater in town and let me get popcorn and a slushie and we'd watch the last show of the night so I could stay up late. I always knew she didn't really have the money for stuff like that, but she saved up so we could spend some time together. Just for those few hours once a month, neither of us worried about anything. I think that tradition is what kept me on the straight and narrow as I grew up. She may have made some mistakes when I was younger, and it may still hurt to think about those, but that extra time and effort she took later helped to ease a lot of that hurt."

"You know that your mom loves you, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I didn't understand it as much until we became parents, but now I realize it. Sometimes I watch you with the boys, how they light up when they see you and how they always let you hug them in front of people. You're their queen, you really are. And I realize that my mom was that to me too. No matter what was happening, even in the bad times and even when I did feel betrayed by her, she was still the one person that I knew would never leave me. I felt safe with her, even when I wasn't safe, I think I believed that she could fix everything. I don't know, it's complicated because of my father but the longer I'm a parent the more I remember the good things that happened when I was growing up."

"You're a good man," she said softly, pushing his hair back from his face. "I'm constantly amazed by all that you've gone through and the person you are and I'm so proud that our kids are turning out to be like you."

"I do my best."

"I know you do."

"Linds when we were dating and engaged, were you ever worried that I might make the same mistakes my father did?"

"Never."

"Not once?"

"Nope. I have trusted you completely from the beginning and I know that you loved me way too much to do that."

"I do love you too much. You are the most amazing woman I've ever known and I am so lucky to have you."

Tears sprung to her eyes and she leaned up to kiss him, grabbing his shirt to pull him closer.

"I can't get enough of you," she whispered after a moment. "I just want you with me all the time."

"Let's quit our jobs and cash in our investments and take the kids and find a place to live off the land together."

"That's a good idea for next Tuesday, but what about right now?"

"I've got something in mind."


	253. Chapter 253

"Last chance, you gotta make a decision. Are we stopping at the cheese factory now or on the way back?"

Lindsay bit her lip and watched the miles tick down further and further until…

"Now, I want cheese now!"

He laughed and followed the signs and cows to the Tillamook Cheese Factory, the one place she'd been talking about going since they'd started planning this trip. At first he wasn't sure why she was so excited, but when she mentioned cheese samples and fresh ice-cream, he started to understand. It was the simple things in life that kept her happy. He shouldn't have been surprised.

"First I want to go on the cheese tour and have samples," she stared, looking just like Ben did when he was excited. "And then I want to have lunch. And then I want to go to the gift shop. After that I want ice-cream. In a waffle cone."

"Have I mentioned lately how much I adore you?"

"Yes, you have."

"Good. Can I ask what you want to go shopping for?"

"If I said cheese, would you still think I was adorable?"

"No."

"No?"

"Part of your adorableness is your intelligence, something you seem to be lacking in if you hadn't thought about how we're going to get cheese all the way back to New York."

"Oh that. Usually when I come to a block in the road I just whimper a little until you sort it out."

"I suppose we could employ some dry ice… but that's going to cost quite a bit. If we buy cheese we're not going to be able to do the glass blowing later."

"You're making me choose between food and art. You're evil."

"Think about this in the long term babe. There's cheese in New York."

"Okay we won't buy any cheese but I am sampling as much as is humanly possible!"

"Thank God we're not going to a cereal amusement park."

"We need to Google to see if this exists!"

"It sort of does. It's at the Mall of America. It was the second choice for our honeymoon. You can even make your own box of cereal."

"Why have we never gone there?"

"Because it's in Minnesota which is close to Wisconsin, which is also known for cheese. Same reason we never go to Vermont. Cheese and syrup. You'd go crazy."

"I have the palate of an eight year old."

"I love you anyway."

He found a parking space quite a distance away from the door, but they'd both become accustomed to the almost constant drizzle of the last two days, so they really didn't mind a longer walk.

"I feel kind of bad coming here without the kids," Lindsay admitted as they stepped through the doors. "They really wanted to go."

"Maybe someday we'll bring them back here. Besides, you and Avery together in this place might constitute a disaster."

"Hush you."

He smiled as they started the self-guided tour around the building, taking their time because they had so much of it.

"I couldn't imagine working in a place like this and having people constantly staring at you through windows, watching you work," Adam decided as they watched the workers packaging the cheese. "It would be intimidating."

"Yeah because all the people watching know the intricacies of cheese making and would be able to spot a foul up a mile away."

"You mock my pain."

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him.

"I think that's a health code violation."

"Well at least we're not down there then."

"I really love you babe."

"I love you too. Let's go have some samples."

She grabbed his hand and pulled him in the other direction and he went with her willingly because he couldn't say no.

"It's a freakin' cornucopia!" she whispered excitedly, seeing all the small cubes of various cheeses just waiting to be tried. "What do I pick first?"

"I don't know. Why don't you scope it out before you make any decisions?"

"Stop laughing at me."

"I'm not laughing. I am offering a legitimate solution to your seemingly unimportant problem."

She smirked at him and dropped his hand, wandering off to check out the goods. He watched her intently and took out his phone so he could call and check on the kids. Jo had to work today so it was just Mac on kid duty and he was certain they were giving him a run for his money.

"Hello, this is Ben."

"Ben are you supposed to be answering Mac's phone?"

"Yep! He said I could because it was you! Also because he's busy at the moment… what with cleanin' up sissy's mess and all."

"What kind of mess did Avery make?"

"Well… a bathroom mess. One what stinks."

"I'm sure Mac is really enjoying cleaning that up."

"Nope, he's not at all. Sissy is in the bath gettin' clean and Mac is doin' his best to clean up but he keeps stoppin' and comin' into the hall to breathe. What are you and mama doing?"

"Mama's eating cheese and I'm watching her."

"That sounds very boring. Are you at that cheese place what me and Cole wanted to go to?"

"Yeah we are. I think we're going to have lunch here in a little while."

"We haved lunch long ago. That's why Mac is flustered because it's almost time to get Cole from school. He said he was going to have to ask Austin to bring him because he's not gonna get cleaned up in time."

"You guys are really giving Mac and Jo a rough time aren't you?"

"Not on purpose daddy! We're just rough kids! Me and Cole are doin' our best to be good. It's sissy what's makin' things difficult."

"Well you tell her that she needs to remember that they're doing us a favor and she needs to be good."

"I'll remind her. How many sleeps until you and mama are home?"

"Three more sleeps and one very long day. We'll be back very late on Saturday night."

"Can we stay up?"

"That will be up to Austin and Danny. You're going over there after school on Friday."

"Oh yeah! Me and Dunner planned a fun game. I will tell you about it when you get back. What else is you and mama gonna do today?"

"We're going to eat some ice-cream and go explore a different city. Then we're going to go to a candy shop and pick up some surprises for you kids."

"That's fantastic! Mac said that we could watch a movie while we eat dinner tonight! He's making us cheeseburgers! Isn't that awesome?"

"That sounds great buddy."

"I think so too. I liked that picture what you sended yesterday of you and mama at the Goonies house. I would like to go there someday I think. Me and Dunner will go and have a trip together."

"That would be fun for you guys."

"We will have to wait a lot until we are old enough to drive. Or fly in a airplane without you grownups."

"Probably. How was school this morning?"

"It was okay. We learned some more math what I am bad at. But then teacher helped me and I understand now. And we had a good recess inside because it was rainy. So we played in the gym and even I seen Cole and Isa and Sarah! And all of us hugged each other and Dunner tried to sneak to class with his sisters but he was spotted. I think I gived him away for I kept yelling to him "Junior you're gonna get catched!" but it might not have been on account of my yellin'."

Adam chuckled and shook his head.

"Ben, you're one of a kind, do you know that?"

"Yep. Everyone tells me that. I need to hang up the phone now because sissy is splashing in the tub and I should stop her before she makes Mac more upseter. I will talk to you before bedtime daddy. I love you so much!"

"I love you too Ben."

The phone clicked off and he laughed to himself constantly amused by Ben's antics and his explanation of them after the fact.

"You look happy," Lindsay said, holding up a small bouquet of toothpicks with cheese cubes stuck on the ends.

"I was talking to Ben."

"Enough said. Are they doing okay?"

"Well apparently, "sissy maked a baffroom mess, one what stinks." At least they're happy, though I can't say the same for poor Mac."

"We'll have to bring him something really good to make up for it. Here, I swiped some cheese for you."

"True love."

"You can eat it while we stand in line for the café."

"You'll still love me when I'm fat?"

"Of course!"

* * *

Laden down with presents for the kids, ice-cream cones, and more calories than two people should consume in a meal, they sluggishly made their way to the car about an hour later, arguing about who was going to drive the hour to the next beach town. Lindsay pointed out that Adam was the man and he should have to drive, and Adam countered with a muddled argument about the feminist movement and revoking her right to vote if she didn't drive. They piled their purchases into the trunk and moved around to get into the car, Adam automatically going for the driver's side. He cursed quietly and shook his head when he realized what he'd done.

"Okay I'll drive but you have to stay awake and keep me company."

"Deal."

He reached across the top of the car to shake on it and she grumbled a little, having to open her door so she could have a foothold so she could reach his hand. He counted her discomfort a slight win, and they got in the car as if nothing had ever happened.

"I really love us," he said after they'd been on the road a few minutes. "We're pretty fun."

"Yeah, I'd be friends with us."

He reached over and took her hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

"Hey, slow down and turn your blinker on."

"What?"

"There's a hitchhiker over there. Slow down and turn your blinker on."

He would have questioned her but he obeyed, wondering what she had in mind.

"Now speed up and wave!"

Laughing, he stepped on the gas and waved at the man, who flipped them off for getting his hopes up.

"That was so not like us," Adam said, shaking his head. "We're not mean people."

"Maybe not but we are funny people. And that was kind of funny considering we just passed a sign that said there is a fine for hitchhiking in a national forest."

"I guess I don't feel so bad then."

They drove on for a while in silence, listening to classical music on the radio and watching the trees and towns along the road.

"Hey Linds, can I ask you something that might freak you out but I really want to know the answer to?"

"Um… sure. Go for it."

He took a deep breath and glanced over at her a few times, wondering why it felt so weird to ask her this.

"Babe, if I died… how long do you think it would take for you to be able to move on?"

"Never."

"No, seriously."

"Never. Why, do you want me to?"

"I just don't want you to be unhappy."

"Adam if you were dead, 'unhappy' would be the mildest of the emotions I would be experiencing."

"I just mean that I wouldn't want the rest of your life to be unhappy. I would want you to be able to smile again, you know?"

"I would smile again honey. I would be happy. I would still have the kids you know."

"I know."

"No matter how much I would miss you and how devastated I would be, it would never be enough to make me want to be with someone else. After all, if I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby."

"Just promise me one thing then."

"What?"

"Promise me that you'll be happy. Promise me that I won't have to worry about you."

"You won't. I promise. Now please let's not talk about this anymore or I'm going to be really upset."

"Okay. I have another question for you."

"What's that?"

"Tomorrow can we stay in bed all day?"

"Yes. But you need to realize that when we go home, things have to go back to normal because we don't have as much time for… you know."

"I know. That's why I am not taking it for granted now."

"Okay then."

"Want to have dessert for dinner tonight? Live on the wild side?"

"If we can find apple pie, then yes. Or cobbler. I love cobbler."

"You just love food babe."

"Shh, that's not polite to say about a lady."

"How do you stay so thin?"

"I eat tiny bites of a lot of things. Also magic."

"You're very weird."

"Yes I am."

* * *

Adam was definitely in heaven. He wasn't the only one that could plan fun things to do on this trip, so Lindsay had taken it upon herself to find something that he would like. While they waited for their blown glass creations to be cooled and packed for shipping, they went down the street to an old building that seemed to be leaning from years and years of coastal wind. The once bright blue paint was now almost gray and peeling from the moisture and salt in the air, and the windows could never possibly be cleaned in a way that would make them functional again. Certainly it was a building that most people would overlook, but she'd done extensive research and knew exactly what was inside and that her husband would be overjoyed at what he found. She had been correct. Antique toys and games were right up his alley.

"Blokus! I haven't seen this game forever. The boys would love it."

"Colton would love it. Ben would get frustrated and cry, but I'm sure it would be okay if his daddy was on his team."

Adam nodded and tucked the board game under his arm, obviously forgetting that they had already agreed to get no more presents for the kids.

"Oh, and Connect Four! That's one the boys could play together. Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Avery will enjoy that one. She's getting good at counting too."

Lindsay snickered and took the stack of games from him so he could look through more.

"Ooh Fireball Island! We could all play this one together. Do you remember it?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Okay, we're getting it. You'll love it. I'm going to get Risk, Colton and I can play that together. What games did you have as a kid?"

"Trouble. I think we went through three different game boards because we kept breaking the Pop-o-Matic in frustration. And by we I mean my brothers because I always won."

"I'm going to add it to the stack."

"Oh my word the Mrs. Pac-Man game! We have to get this one, Austin and I were just talking about it last week."

"Mousetrap!"

"Get it."

"Ooh, Stop Thief. Did you play this game? My older cousins had it. It's great. It's like Clue, but you have to figure out where the thief is going to go next and there's an electrical scanner that you use. We can let all the kids play at the next family dinner."

"I have a feeling it's going to be the parents that are grouped competitively around the table."

"We'll invite Flack and Jess too, they can bring a little maturity to the situation."

"We just found nine board games that we can't live without."

"It's important for family bonding time."

"We'd better stay away from the toy section or we're going to have to leave all our clothes here in order to get all our stuff in our suitcases."

"I know. I'm going to ask the owner if there's any way we can order stuff online for Christmas."

"Adam, I love you so much."

"Look, Teddy Ruxpin!"

"No."

"But-"

"No. I had a recurring nightmare about Teddy Ruxpin where he ate my fingers off. No."

"Ate your fingers off?"

"Don't ask. He's looking at me. Like he remembers."

"Look, a fully intact Little People house set! Didn't you want to get one for Avery?"

"Yeah, I couldn't find it anywhere. This was my favorite when I was little. I wonder if I could get them to ship it to us."

"Maybe so. Should we keep looking, or would it be better if we were done?"

"I think we should be done. I feel like I'm six again, but with a credit card this time."

"Dangerous."

They went up to the counter and paid for everything with big grins on their faces. It didn't take much convincing for the Little People house to be shipped and while the store still didn't have a website, the owner assured them that they could call at any time with specific requests.

"Well now what?" Adam asked, putting everything into the trunk.

"Want to go put our feet in the shortest river in the world?"

"Really?"

"Yeah. The D River, right there. Of course, the Roe River in Montana is technically shorter, but they measured this one at extremely high tide, in order to regain the title."

"And that's how city folk fight out in the west."

"Shut up."

"Okay, let's go put our feet in. We'll tell the kids all about it and they will be jealous that we did something so monumental."

"I can hear Ben already. 'You done somefin' 'portant wiffout us? I finked families was s'posed to be togedder!'"

"I love the way he talks."

"I know. I wish it was appropriate for him to never grow out of it."

He chuckled and took her hand and they walked down to the beach, ditching their shoes and rolling up their jeans before stepping in the river that ran from a small lake into the ocean.

"Wow that's cold. Careful babe, some of these rocks are slippery."

His warning came too late as she slipped on the algae and landed in the water. It wasn't that deep but the resulting splash managed to cover her quite effectively.

"Are you okay?"

"I landed on a rock. I'm going to have a huge bruise on my butt. I'm going to have to sit on a plane for hours with a bruise on my butt."

He laughed and reached down to help her up, being careful to keep his footing, because it only made sense for him to fall in too.

"Honey you're going to catch a cold if we don't get you dry and warm fast."

"Do you suggest I stick my butt under a hand dryer in a random bathroom somewhere?"

"Actually, that's not a bad idea."

"Not happening. Do you know how far I would have to stick it out to get it under the air?"

"You're not exactly Kim Kardashian," he chuckled, patting her backside to prove his point.

Wrapping his arms around her he pushed her now tangled hair out of her face and kissed her forehead.

"Why don't I go see if our glass stuff is done yet, and you can sit in the car with the heat turned up, and if you have to discard the jeans, I don't think I will object."

"Of course not."

They grabbed their shoes and walked back up the beach as the wind picked up, causing her to shiver.

"You know, staying in bed all day tomorrow might be a good idea. I think it will take me that long to get warm again."

"Miss Dramatic."

"Shut up, my butt hurts."

He smiled as they got in the car and he headed back to the highway to drive to the art studio. She turned the heat up full blast and by the time they'd made the seven minute drive, he was ready to roll down his window.

The studio was almost ready to close when he went in and he inspected their pieces briefly. He hadn't been feeling very adventurous so he'd just made a glass float with different colors of green in it, figuring it would go in their bathroom quite nicely. Lindsay had been more artistic, choosing a starfish and coloring it with bright oranges and reds. He paid for the shipping and cringed and the total amount they'd spent, and the items were packed up. When he got out to the car Lindsay had taken his suggestion and her jeans were in a pile in the backseat and she was curled up in the seat with her jacket over her legs.

"You know, it's a two hour drive back to the hotel. If you lay those jeans out better they might dry enough that you won't have to streak through the hotel."

"While that would make a good story, you're probably right. Now what are we going to do about dinner?"

"Want to have a late one when we get back? If we hurry, that one place is open until ten."

"Okay, let's go. I'm starving."

He nodded and they got back on the road, heading north as the sky darkened even more. He reached across the console rested his hand on her knee, smiling when she yawned and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I'm going to sleep for a bit."

"Okay. Rest your butt."

She giggled and closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh as the car lulled her to sleep. He couldn't watch her as she slept, there were no streetlights once they got out of town, but he could imagine what she looked like with her eyes shut gently and her lips parted. He's slept next to her for ten years but he still couldn't grasp the concept that she could allow this kind of vulnerability in herself. How had he been awarded this kind of trust?

Automatically his mind wound back through the years to the beginning, recalling all the little moments and seeing them in a totally different light now. He remembered her little giggle that first afternoon they'd spent together, the way she'd shook her head at his bad jokes, but given him a smile that put him at ease. He remembered feeling so relaxed when he left, like he had a friend that understood him, at least a little bit. He remembered the first time he'd hugged her, chuckling because she was so stiff and standing there with his arms around her until she relaxed. That was the last time that his touch hadn't been received well, and he was glad he stuck it out. He remembered falling asleep on the couch late one evening, and waking up a few hours later to find her in his arms looking perfectly comfortable and happy. He'd sat there for a while watching her sleep before she woke up and gave him a half smile. That had been very early on in their friendship, but he could pinpoint that smile as the moment when his heart had given the first leap of attraction and hope.

Before he knew it they were back in town and headed to their hotel. She stirred awake as the car slowed, yawning a little and rubbing her eyes.

"I didn't mean to sleep the whole time."

"It's okay sweetie. You didn't sleep too well last night."

She nodded and yawned again, remembering tossing and turning, unable to take her mind off the kids and how much she missed them.

"I'm hungry."

"I know. We'll go up and you can change and then we'll go out, okay?"

"'Kay."

He parked the car and waited for her to slip into her almost dry jeans, then walked her inside, leaving their things in the trunk for now. She leaned against him heavily and he kept his arm around her shoulders, wondering how long it would be before she fell asleep again.

"Hey babe, why don't you just change into pajamas and I'll go grab a pizza."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Grab the couch and relax. I'll be back in a bit."

She gave him that same sleepy smile again and he hugged her tightly, still in wonder, but full acceptance of just how blessed he really was.


	254. Chapter 254

"Mama and daddy is here!" Ben hollered, jumping off the couch and running across the room. "I am so happy I am squealing like a little pig!"

Lindsay caught him in her arms and hugged him tightly, showering him with kisses while Colton ran past them and into Adam's arms. Both boys were almost buzzing with news and proclamations of how much they had missed their parents. After a little while they swapped, starting their stories over again.

"Sissy, mama and daddy is here! Are you comin'?"

There was a shriek from Sarah's bedroom, and it wasn't long before Avery's feet came pounding down the hall.

"Mama!" she shrieked, bursting into tears. "My mama!"

"Oh, come here honey."

"She's very tired," Ben commented, reaching over to rub Avery's back. "She did not sleep at night."

"You didn't sleep, baby?"

"Wait for you come home," Avery explained, wiping her eyes. "Want my mama."

"I missed you too sweetie. So did daddy."

"Oh daddy!" Avery wailed, reaching her hands out for him. "Miss so most!"

He held her close and she buried her face in his shoulder, hiccupping and sniffling.

"I think someone needs some tips on how to convey emotion," Lindsay chuckled as Ben pulled her towards the couch.

"Mama, come stare at Dunner. His arm is all hurt."

"I know."

"Hey Aunt Lin," Junior greeted, his words slurred because of the pain medication he was on. "See my cast? I got red because of the Yankees."

"What about the Red Sox?"

"It's a cast, not a sock."

She smiled and leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"How'd this happen, guy?"

"Well first I was up… and then before I knew it I was down."

"I will translate, mama. We were at the park and Dunner climbed a tree higher than Isa and then he sneezed and losted his balance. He landed on the ground all fine and then he had so much glee in him that he runned for his skateboard and he jumped on it and falled off and that's when we had the problem with his arm."

"Poor little man," Lindsay said, brushing his hair back. "Will you ever play baseball again?"

"Yes, the doctor said so. Will you sign my cast Aunt Lin?"

"As soon as I think of something good to write on it. You rest, okay?"

"Yeah but first gimme a kiss on my cheek like you do for Binyin."

"You won't let me give you a kiss on your cheek," Austin chuckled, bringing him another blanket.

"You're my ma. Kids get maked fun of for kisses from their ma."

"Oh, but it's okay from your aunt?"

"I don't make the rules, ma."

Austin laughed and tucked him into the couch while he fell back to sleep.

"I've got the kids stuff all packed up. They've been waiting for you since lunchtime."

"I figured they might. We ran home real quick and took our stuff inside or we would have been here a little earlier."

"You were out of cell phone range last night. Where did you guys go?"

"Out of cell phone range."

"Oh come on Lin."

Lindsay chuckled and shrugged, picking up the bags from the floor.

"Adam rented an old fire lookout in the woods. I'll show you pictures later. We were up kind of in the mountains, miles and miles away from anything. It was perfect."

"You're so spoiled."

"I know. Were the kids good for you?"

"Yeah, they always are."

"Did Avery really not sleep?"

"I don't think she did. I brought her to bed with us after a while and turned cartoons on for her and she just sat and watched all night. I asked her why she wasn't sleeping and she kept saying you'd be here soon, like she didn't want to miss it or something."

"I have a feeling she's not going to want us to put her in her own bed tonight."

"She kept asking for the big bed at Mac and Jo's. And she said she wanted a Susie bath, which after half an hour of texting with Jo, we figured out was the Jacuzzi bath that she had over there the other night."

"Great, she's been spoiled."

"She's just a lady that knows what she wants."

"Hey Indy, do you really gotta take Colt and the kids?"

"Yes, they need to sleep in their own beds."

"Do you gotta go now?" Isa whined, cocking her head to the side and making a disgusted face.

"Yeah. I'm tired."

"I'm tired of you saying you're tired."

They looked at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter.

"Oh Isa, what are we going to do with you?"

"I dunno. Lots of fun stuff!"

"Come here, I missed you too."

"Aw man Indy, stop squeezin' me so much!"

"But if I don't squeeze you, who's gonna?"

"Hopefully Derek Jeter."

"Oh you darling girl. Can I take you home with me?"

"Sure! I'll pack a bag!"

She started to run off but Austin grabbed her arm, laughing a little.

"Not tonight, but maybe next weekend, okay?"

"But…"

"Next weekend Adam's going to be working at night so you know what that means," Lindsay reminded her.

"Girls get popcorn in the big bed! YES!"

Austin laughed as the kids all swarmed around together, laughing and whispering their goodbyes like they wouldn't see each other for a very long time.

"Okay Rosses, time to go. We'll have family dinner in a few days."

"Austin when Dunner wakes up will you tell him that I will see him later and I hope his arm feels better and I am glad it's not really broked and next time we play, I want to be Batman?"

"I'll try to remember all that buddy. Maybe you can call him tomorrow."

"I'll write it down so I don't forget. Mama, don't let me forget to write it down."

"Okay Ben. Here, take your backpack."

"It's funny that it's filled with my clothes and not my school stuffs!"

He grabbed Colton's backpack and handed it to him, then both boys went into the kitchen to say goodbye to Danny.

"Mama, hold Avery please."

"Do you want to go home and go to sleep?"

"No. Wanna play."

"If you stay awake in the car, I'll play with you for ten whole minutes."

"Ooh, yippee!" Avery said with a yawn. "We go bye."

"Alright sweetie. Thanks for taking them Austin."

"It was easy for us, but Mac and Jo…"

"Don't worry, we're got them something really good."

"Okay. Go home and get some sleep."

It took a few more minutes but soon they were out the door and in the car. The boys kept asking questions about the vacation and speculating about the presents that were waiting for them. Avery wasn't interested in that, she was just upset that no one was holding her at the moment and she sat in her carseat with her arms over her chest, crying quietly.

"Avery, sweetie, mama is going to get you out of the car the minute we get home, I promise."

"Need holded!"

"I know you do. Just give us a few minutes okay?"

She whimpered and leaned back in her seat, falling asleep just before they got home.

"Oh wow, this place is a sight for sore eyes," Ben announced, unbuckling his seatbelt. "Can't believe it's been so long since we seen our home."

"Yeah, it will be nice to sleep in my own bed. The bed at Mac and Jo's was nice, but I like my own the best," Colton agreed reaching over to unbuckle Avery before he got out of the car. "Let me help you with the bags, daddy."

They made their way inside and the bags were dropped by the front door when the boys saw their presents on the couch.

"Whoa, look at this Cole! It's a game what I don't know how to play! Let's learn it!"

"Daddy, is this a game for me and you to play together? Can we play first thing in the morning? Please?"

"Sissy, look, I think this is for you! It's a cow bag what's for kids!"

Avery wrinkled her nose at being woken up, but reached down to get the cow purse that Ben was shoving in her face.

"Mine?"

"Yeah sweetie, that's for you. Because you like purses, remember? And it moos too if you press his ear."

Avery nodded happily and pressed the ear, then tucked the cow purse under her arm.

The boys were allowed a few more minutes to look at the new games and toys, and then it was time for bed.

"I'd like you to tuck us in firstest, mama. And daddy will tuck in sissy and then you will trade," Ben decided as he brushed his teeth.

"Okay we can do that. Come on Avery, want to fly to your bed?"

She nodded sleepily and Adam picked her up, holding her over his head and zooming her into her bedroom.

"Those was the days. Back when I was little enough to fly to bed. Now I gotta walk like ordinary folk."

"Ben, you're really weird sometimes."

"I know that Cole. But I like myself. Mama, come tuck us in now. I got things to tell you."

"Alright, let's go."

Colton settled into bed quickly and with one goodnight kiss, he was almost asleep. Ben needed a little more, often wanting to debrief about his day before he said goodnight. Lindsay stretched out on the bed next to him, leaving his glasses on because he liked to run his fingers over her face when he talked and taking his glasses off too soon was a surefire way to get poked in the eye.

"I really want to see pictures of all the stuffs you and daddy did while you were gone," he started, rubbing her nose. "Because it was like an adventure what you taked, and even though we didn't get to be a part of it, it would be nice to share it with you. You know, I was so scared when Dunner fell down and hurted his arm. And then Danny taked the rest of the kids home and I went to the hospital with Austin and Dunner, I feeled real important because the doctor gave me the special job what's called "distractin' the patient." Dunner was the patient and I had to tell him jokes and make him smile while they did the x-ray. And then the picture telled the story that Dunner's arm was not broked but it was something else. Cracktured I think."

"Fractured honey."

"Yes that. Cracktured. So it was a busy day yesterday and today Dunner just feeled like laying on the couch so I sitted and watched TV with him while the other kids played. Also I haved a snuggle with Austin on account of missin' you so much, but then… hey mama when I look deep in your eyes, it's like lookin' deep in the eyes what are mine!"

Lindsay chuckled and kissed his cheek, then slid his glasses off.

"Time for sleep, baby. Daddy will be in soon to give you a hug and kiss."

"Okay mama. I love you so, so much. Thanks for coming home to me."

"You're welcome. I love you."

She kissed his cheek and stood up, heading into Avery's room where she could hear soft crying.

"What's the matter?"

"She won't lay in her bed. She starts bawling every time I put her down."

"Give her to me, you go say goodnight to the boys."

"Mama I no go bed," Avery whimpered, rubbing at her eyes.

"Yes, it's time for sleep. You're exhausted, I don't know how you've managed to stay awake this long."

"Mama stay with Avery. Please?"

"Do you want to rock for a little while?"

"Okay. My blankie an' my purse."

Lindsay chuckled and gathered the blanket and the new purse, then sat down in the chair.

"Mama, no go 'way 'gain. Promise?"

"Daddy and I don't have any vacations planned for a very long time."

"Oh. We stay home."

"Yes, we will."

"Avery go potty!"

"I heard that you made it to the toilet a few times. I'm very proud of you."

"I grow up. Mac say I get big girl now. I not a baby no more."

"No, you're not a baby."

"I want be a baby. Rock in the chair with you."

"You can still rock in the chair with me even when you're a big girl."

"Oh! I be big and rock."

"Okay sweetie. Do you think you can be a big girl and go to sleep in your bed?"

"Be here in mornin'?"

"Of course I will be here in the morning. Want me to tuck you in really nice and comfy?"

"Yes and give kisses!"

Lindsay stood from the chair and tucked Avery into her bed, making sure all the stuffed animals were secure.

"There, now you're all safe and cozy. Sleep good and you can come upstairs and snuggle with me and daddy when you wake up in the morning."

"Okay mama. Love you."

"I love you too Averylin. Goodnight."

* * *

By the time morning rolled around, all three kids had ventured upstairs to join their parents. It wasn't really surprising at all but it did make for very uncomfortable sleep. Avery woke up first, pushing her unruly curls out of her eyes and yawning a little while she thought about what to do next. She could wake everyone up, but sometimes that meant her brothers were grumpy, and she really wanted to play with them today. She sighed and decided that waking up mama would ensure her breakfast, and fast.

"Mama. Mama. Open eyes. Mornin'."

"It's early morning, honey. It's not time to get up."

"Oh yes. Some food please."

Lindsay sighed and extricated her arm from Ben's firm grasp, then stood up and stretched.

"We eat, mama?"

"Sure, let's eat."

Giggling, Avery jumped off of the bed and dashed downstairs, grabbing the bread out of the bottom drawer and tossing it onto the counter.

"Mama, want toast an' cinn'mon. Butter too. An' juice."

"Okay. Can I start the coffee first?"

"Hurry fast."

She climbed up on one of the stools at the counter, resting her chin in her hands and sighing until breakfast was placed before her.

"So what do you want to do today? Daddy and I decided that you kids get to pick."

"Oh wow! I wanna play! With the boys. In the yard."

"What else?"

"Coley say we go pun'kin pickin'. Do that today?"

"Yeah, we could try. We'll see what the boys want to do."

"Me and Jo maked bread. It most tasty. And we make cookies. Mac take me tool store. He buy me present."

"What kind of present?"

"A hammer."

"A hammer? Really?"

"It purple."

"Wow, that's pretty special."

Avery nodded and licked the cinnamon sugar off of her toast before sitting back and sighing.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Squirty never come home?"

"No honey. I don't think Qwerty is coming home."

"Where he go?"

"I don't know. Sometimes dogs run away to start a new part of their lives."

"He be havin' fun?"

"Probably."

"Okay."

She didn't seem sad, so either the breakdown was coming, or Avery was handling the loss of a pet very maturely.

"Hey daddy, you were right! They maked breakfast without us boys!" Ben hollered as he jumped down the last stair. "I'm starvin' mama. What's cookin'?"

"I got toast!" Avery said, lifting her food high above her head.

"And now your toast is rainin' crumbs and junk on you."

"Oh dear."

"Yes, oh dear is correct. So mama, do you got some breakfast what I can have?"

"What do you want?"

"Can I have toast with jam? And a glass of milk? And a hug and kiss?"

Lindsay laughed and put a slice of bread in the toaster, then turned around and pulled his warm, pajama-clad body into her arms, kissing his cheeks over and over.

"Ben, promise me you will never, ever want me to stop hugging and kissing you."

"Of course I won't want you to stop! Just don't start in front of the general public."

"Okay, I won't."

She tried to stand up but he kept his arms around her as tightly as he could manage.

"Wait, I need to hug more. Because you were gone for a lot of days that I didn't get hugs from you. I gotta make up for lost time."

"I love you so much."

"Even though I got mornin' breath, huh?"

"Even though."

"Daddy is on his way down here and when he gets here I will take a big hug like this from him too. Because I missed him as well."

"I'm sure he'd like that."

"Mama, I got to thinkin' earlier. I was thinkin' how Dunner is my bestest buddy, but how I love Cole so much too and him and me share secrets what me and Dunner don't. So Cole is maybe my other bestest buddy. But then I thinked about you and daddy, and how I love you so much and how I tell you whispers and how me and daddy have special days together and how I once lived in your belly. And I think that you and daddy are my even other bestest buddies. But then I wondered how that is even possible."

Lindsay chuckled and pushed his hair back, kissing his forehead while she thought.

"Sometimes we have lots of best friends but they're all our best friends for different things. Like daddy is my best friend in the whole wide world and we have secrets and memories that no one else shares. But Austin is my best friend in the whole world too, and she and I have secrets and memories that no one else shares. I love them both very, very much, but because they are different, I need them at different times."

"And what about Danny?"

"You know, Danny is about the only person on the planet that I can't fight with. There's things that we've gone through together at work that daddy and Austin won't ever understand because they weren't there."

"I understand that I think. Like how you are my parent and so is daddy but daddy and me do different stuffs than what you and me do?"

"Yeah, kind of like that."

"So you could really have more than one bestest friend and not be breaking any rules!"

"Absolutely."

"This is good information for me to know."

"Thanks for asking me honey."

"Here comes daddy, I gotta hug him!"

"Mama, I clean my mouth," Avery announced, holding up her used napkin. "All clean, time for dressed."

"Okay sweetie. Let me finish making Ben something to eat and then I'll help you get dressed."

"Okay! Here come Coley down the stairs. Mornin' Coley! Ready to play?"

Colton rubbed his eyes and walked over to the counter, resting on his arms.

"I don't wanna play yet, Aves. Later."

"Okay! Ben, we think of game!"

The two kids ran into the other room while Colton chuckled wryly.

"Those kids are crazy. How come they are never tired in the morning?"

"I don't know buddy. Maybe they're normal and you're the weird one."

"I'm too tired to care," he said, yawning and rubbing his eyes. "Maybe I will go back to bed."

He yawned again and made his way to the couch where he would probably spend another hour or so.

"You know, as much as I loved that vacation, I'm really glad to be home," Lindsay mused putting Ben's breakfast on a plate.

"Me too," Adam agreed. "I'm pretty sure I've had my fill of being away from the kids."

"Avery suggested going to the pumpkin patch today."

"That sounds good. We'll get some apple cider too and when we get home we can make some leaf piles for the kids to jump in."

"Perfect day."

"The perfect family deserves it. You want waffles?"

"Sure."

"And a kiss?"

"Yes please."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"You'll be happy to know that me and sissy thinked of a game," Ben announced as he climbed up onto the stool to eat his breakfast. "It's called Library and that is what we are gonna play. I am gonna check out books and sissy is gonna be the library lady and she will let me have the books, and Cole is gonna be the kid what forgotted to turn in his books and he has to pay a fine. That happened to a kid in my class and he had to give the library lady a nickel before he could get another book."

"You'd better not lose your library books then."

"I know. I keep them in my pack-pack all the time."

"Very good. Eat your breakfast and then you can go and change into clothes for the pumpkin patch."

"Oh wow! I will put on farming clothes, like what Papa wears when he milks the cows in Montana! I just need to find my 'spenders. And sissy could wear my old ones!"

Lindsay chuckled and wiped the jam off his face.

"And then we could send a picture of me to Papa so he knows that I look like him!"

"Okay Ben. Whatever you say."

* * *

There were many more things to do at the pumpkin patch than just look for pumpkins, which was a good thing because the kids found their pumpkins pretty quickly. After paying and putting them in the trunk of the car, the five of them ventured over to the farm animals. Avery skipped ahead happily, her cow purse swinging in her hand and her curly hair flouncing with every step.

"Avery, don't go far honey."

"I not! I see ducks!"

"When she gets closer and realizes they're geese and about twice her size," Adam whispered with a grin. "Do you want to rescue her or shall I?"

"I don't know. Let's just see what happens."

"Aves got pecked!" Colton shouted, not two seconds later. "By a goose!"

Avery was running towards them with tears pouring down her face.

"Ow! I hurt, I hurt!" she wailed, turning to look behind her, and seeing that the goose that had pecked her was walking along slowly behind her. She let out another terrified screech and picked up speed, crashing into Adam's legs.

"Daddy save Avery! Big mean duck!"

He laughed and picked her up and she rubbed at her chest where the goose had pecked her.

"It's okay honey. The goose won't get you anymore."

Avery just shook her head and kept crying, not really in pain or fear, but because she knew that the tears would get her whatever she wanted.

"Sissy, you dropped your cow bag," Ben said, handing it up to her. "It's not dirty. How come you got a ripped sock in there?"

"In case," she hiccupped, as if that was answer enough. Ben sighed and shook his head, then followed Colton across the grass to look at the pigs, stretching his suspenders as he went.

"Hey mama come see this! Did you ever have pigs when you were a kid?"

"No, we never had pigs. Just cows and goats and sheep."

"How do you take care of pigs so they make the most tastiest bacon?"

"I don't know buddy. I'm sure they have to eat lots and lots of vegetables."

"I don't like veggies, so that means I would not turn into tasty bacon."

"Oh Ben," Colton laughed, shaking his head. "You're a person, not a pig."

"Then how come when you are complainin' about my side of the room bein' messy you call me a pig?"

"It means you're sloppy."

"Oh. See, I learned something new! Mama lift me up to see the pigs please! How come they don't stink that bad?"

"Probably because the wind is blowing away from us."

"Oh. Well how about those cows over there. Can we see those?"

They made their way around the farm, seeing all the animals twice while Avery whimpered and rubbed at her chest.

"Do you guys want to paint some small pumpkins before we go?"

"Yeah, I want to paint one for Isa since the Messers didn't come with us."

"And I will paint one for Dunner, on account of he has a hurt arm!"

"I make for Sarah!"

The kids were soon settled at a picnic table with small pumpkins and paint, chattering excitedly about what they were going to make. Ben was convinced that he was painting an airplane, but it more closely resembled a blimp. Colton kept looking at it and shaking his head, but not saying anything discouraging. Avery was happily slapping paint all over the pumpkin, only stopping long enough to ask Lindsay to write Sarah's name on it.

"This most fun."

"I like it too sissy. Can I have that green paint what you got?"

"Yep! I done. Wow Coley, that beautiful!"

"Think Isa will like it?"

"Oh yes. She like purple an' blue."

"Good. What are we gonna do while these pumpkins dry?"

"Well, why don't we go get some apple cider?" Adam suggested, setting the kids pumpkins on a drying table. "Would you guys like that?"

"So most!" Avery hollered, not knowing what apple cider was, but certain it was something she could consume.

"I'm glad they're so happy," Lindsay mused, watching the kids walk across the lawn, holding hands.

"I never realized what I missed by being an only child. Thanks for having more."

"You're welcome."

"Like I said before, perfect family."


	255. Chapter 255

Time seemed to speed up drastically when they had somewhere to be, and Monday mornings were the worst. The kids were sluggish waking up, fussy about their breakfast, and reluctant to be ushered out the door. Colton kept sighing and heading back to the couch to watch TV and Ben was forever changing his mind on what he wanted to bring for show and tell. They were getting down to the wire on time and they were going to have to leave in the next three minutes or they would never get to where they were going on time.

"Ben, pick one thing and come downstairs, right now!"

"I can't decide!"

"You have to the count of three and whatever you're touching is what you're bringing!"

"But-"

"One, two three."

"Aw dammit!"

"Benjamin Ryan Ross!" Adam and Lindsay chorused as Ben appeared at the top of the stairs, holding a pair of underwear.

"This is what I was touchin' when you said three, mama! I can't show these! They're dirty!"

"Okay quickly pick something else and you are getting one consequence for swearing."

"Aw man!"

He went back into his room and Lindsay tried not to laugh while Adam shook his head.

"I've gotta get my mouth under control."

"I think we both do."

"Okay I found something to take."

"Good. Let's go. Colton, get off the couch, it's time for school."

He sighed and stood up, letting his backpack drag across the ground as he shuffled to the front door.

"Avery, come say bye to mama and the boys."

A scream came from the kitchen and Avery ran out crying harder than she ever had before.

"No mama! Stay! With Avery!"

"I have to go to work."

"No!"

"Avery, daddy is staying here with you and he has a fun game to play I'm sure-"

"NO! Mama stay!"

"Avery, I can't. I have to go to work. Adam would you help me out here?"

He picked Avery up to try and comfort her but she continued to scream at the top of her lungs, so hard that she couldn't catch her breath. Lindsay ushered the boys out the door despite their protests that they must stay home to take care of their sister.

"Averylin, that's enough."

"Want my mama!" she screeched, trying to wriggle out of his arms for the door.

"Mama is going to be home later tonight, I promise."

"Mama!" she screamed, throwing her head back as far as she could, nearly knocking it on the wall. Adam couldn't tell if this was a tantrum or a meltdown, but either way, he wasn't quite sure what to do. The screaming and crying was louder than he had ever heard and he was afraid that Avery was going to turn herself purple with the way she was struggling to breathe.

"Sweetheart, calm down. I'm right here and you're okay."

She used all her strength to push away from him and he tried to hold on but it was as if she'd suddenly turned into a flopping fish and he couldn't do anything but slowly let her down to the floor. She kicked her legs against the hardwood, screaming even louder now until her whole body had turned red.

"Mama!"

Kneeling down on the floor he quietly rubbed her back, hoping it would calm her down. The crying became a little softer but she was still in hysterics, so he picked her up off the floor and took her upstairs to her room. She was holding onto him tightly now and wouldn't let go when he tried to put her in her bed. It reminded him of how Ben had acted when he had his nightmares so many years ago, but there was something different about this. Avery was crying almost like she was in physical pain.

"Shh, it's okay. Mama will come home. Let's lay down and have a sleep okay?"

"Daddy, I want mama."

"I know. Right now I want mama too."

"She mine."

"I know sweetie. Just relax. Take a deep breath."

"Daddy I want mama. Please."

"She had to work, baby. It's okay, it's not forever. She's coming home."

"My mama."

"I know. Why don't we have a little nap before your tumbling class? Would that be okay? We can both relax."

She hiccupped and coughed and rubbed at her eyes, trying to hold back her tears but not succeeding very well.

"What can I do to make you feel better sweetie?"

"Want mama home now."

"Well, besides that."

A fresh round of tears started up and he brushed her hair back from her face, wishing he knew how to calm her down. After what seemed like forever she closed her eyes and her crying became softer and softer until she fell asleep. Adam stayed with her for a little while, checking the time and seeing that they would have to miss her class today. He supposed it couldn't be helped; he wasn't going to wake her up now for fear that she was going to dissolve into an emotional mess again.

Carefully he stood up from her bed and tucked her in, backing out of the room quietly so she wouldn't know he was leaving. The floorboard creaked underneath him and he paused, but she gave no indication that it disturbed her so he quickly made his way downstairs to the kitchen to clean up the breakfast dishes. Avery had never had a separation problem before, even when they were gone on their trip she'd been easily consoled. He couldn't get out of the back of his mind the fact that Ben's nightmares had been about something bad happening, right before Colton was kidnapped, and had stopped soon after Colton came home. He wondered if the kids were sensitive to impending danger or if he was just reading too much into one isolated incident. Either way, he had a bad feeling about the whole matter.

* * *

"And then she realized she missed tumbling class and she threw the biggest fit I have ever seen her throw. She called me mean," Adam sighed, wiping down the kitchen counter while Lindsay started the dishwasher.

"I'm sorry honey. Maybe she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"I hope that's all it is because she was awful all day. I don't want you to have to deal with it tomorrow."

She tipped her head to the side in question and reached for his hand, her eyes going completely round with understanding.

"Adam… were you afraid you were going to lose your temper?"

"Yeah. I put her in her room for a while and then she came out and started chucking stuff down the stairs and screaming at me. I was calm until she clobbered me in the head with her toy frying pan, and all I could think was what if it was Ben coming up the stairs, what if she hit him with something even worse?"

"What did you do?"

"I went up there and picked her up and put her in her room and told her to stay on her bed. She obeyed but she was very loud about the fact that she wasn't happy."

"What was Ben doing?"

"Standing outside her door, telling her he was disappointed in her behavior."

"Well that's not surprising."

"I don't enjoy being the disciplinarian, I much prefer it when you're the one throwing down the gauntlet."

"Because you don't like to do it or because you don't trust yourself?"

"Both."

"Look, you've been through really stressful things and had to deal with the kids at the same time and you've been fine. You're not going to hurt them. You know that."

"I do know. It's just that in those moments I start to feel like it would be so easy. Not to hurt them, but to do the wrong thing. To yell or call them names."

"You won't do it."

"I know. I just hate that it's a possibility in my head. Walking up those stairs thinking "Am I going to lose it? Can I really handle this?" I don't like living like that."

She sighed and hugged him gently, knowing that her faith in him would never waver, but sometimes he felt like that was never going to be enough.

"Have you thought about talking to someone about it? I don't mean that like you need help or something, but maybe just that… it might help to talk to someone that's impartial. Figure out a way to keep those thoughts from going through your mind."

He was quiet for a moment before sighing and shaking his head.

"I don't want to unbury the past."

"No one does Adam. But sometimes it helps."

"Can I tell you that I'll think about it?"

"Will you actually?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Let's go sit and watch a movie and put this whole day out of our minds, okay?"

He nodded and followed her to the couch where they flipped through the channels for a few minutes before settling on an old sit-com. She cuddled up to his side and relaxed against him, a sure sign that she was pulling out all the stops on letting him know that she trusted him even when he didn't trust himself.

There was a noise from upstairs and he turned the volume down so they could listen for it again. Just when they were about to dismiss it, the noise came again, from Avery's room.

"I'll go," Lindsay offered, standing up. "If she begged for me all morning, maybe she'll be happy to see me."

Adam chuckled wryly as Lindsay made her way up the stairs, peeking into Avery's bedroom. She was sitting on the floor with her stuffed animals and some books, looking quite pleased with herself.

"Oh. Hello mama. Wanna play? We is the library. This doggie in trouble."

"Well someone else is in trouble too little missy."

"Who?"

"The librarian."

Avery's eyebrows knitted together in confusion and Lindsay picked her up from the floor.

"Daddy and I put you to bed and we expect you to stay there. In the morning you need to clean up your toys before breakfast."

"Mama 'set?"

"I'm not upset, I just don't think I need to remind you to go to bed when we've already tucked you in."

"I play time. See, that doggie wanna play. So Avery play."

"No, Avery goes to bed."

"No mama. Cannot. Time for play."

"Averylin."

"Yes?"

"What did mama say?"

"Mama lie. It play time."

"I did not lie to you Averylin Grace. It's time to sleep. Lay back down."

"I say no!"

"Avery-"

"Mama not the boss. I the boss. I say play! You go away."

"Excuse me, but you do not talk to me that way."

"Yes I do."

"Tomorrow you are going to spend the morning cleaning your room because of your attitude."

"I not attitude. You attitude."

"Kid, you are so lucky daddy and I decided not to spank our kids or you would be crusin' for a brusin'."

"Whatever mama. You go bye now."

"You know what? Why don't you get out of bed and we'll go and tell daddy how you're acting."

"No!"

"Yep, let's go."

Avery whined and whimpered, knowing Lindsay meant business and she'd gone a little too far. She didn't want to go downstairs because once mama was upset, daddy would be too, and then she most definitely wouldn't get to stay up.

"No mama I not wanna!" Avery declared, going limp. Lindsay dropped her arm and let her fall in a heap to the hallway floor, rather than hold onto her and risk pulling her arm out of the socket. Avery hollered in non-existent pain and tried to slither away but Lindsay picked her up and took her downstairs.

"So what's going on girls?"

"Avery, would you like to tell daddy what you said to me?"

"No!"

"Would you like me to tell him then?"

"No!"

"She told me that I lie and then she told me to go away and said she was the boss and that I had attitude."

"Well Avery that doesn't sound like you're being a very good girl. I guess I'm going to have to back mama up on this one."

Avery screeched and threw herself to the floor, whining and kicking her legs against the couch.

"No con'quence! No!"

"It's too bad that you decided to disobey and be disrespectful to your mama and now you have to have a consequence, but that's how it goes."

"You bad! Mama an' daddy is bad!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way Avery. Now, it's time for bed and in the morning you'll have your consequence."

She screamed as loudly as she could, pounding her fists against whatever she could reach. Lindsay reached down to try and pick her up but Avery arched her back, making it nearly impossible.

"Averylin, that's enough. Stop."

"Leave me 'lone!"

"I guess we're going to have to double team her."

Feeling very foolish, Lindsay grabbed Avery's arms while Adam grabbed her legs and they moved her to the couch. She growled in anger and went rigid, making it easier for Adam to pick her up and take her to her room. She pushed hard against him and when he finally put her into her bed she was getting ready for the second round of her tantrum.

"Averylin, stop this right now. It is unacceptable and we did not teach you to behave like this."

She burst into hysterical tears, kicking at her covers while all her stuffed animals fell to the floor.

"This not fair!"

Lindsay wanted to yell back that Avery had no idea what fair was, but she bit her tongue, letting Adam take over.

"I'm sorry you feel that way," he said calmly, tucking her in tighter. "Goodnight Avery, I love you."

He managed to kiss her cheek despite her flailing body, then backed away from the bed.

"I love you too and I'll see you in the morning," Lindsay assured, not brave enough to try and kiss her goodnight; she wasn't keen on getting a black eye.

They slipped from the room and shut her door all the way so her volume wouldn't wake the boys, then went back downstairs where they flopped onto the couch, exhausted.

"That was no fun."

"Not at all. If we have to start dealing with that all the time, I'm going to abandon ship."

"I'm going with you."

* * *

"C'mon sissy, me and Cole are playin' in the backyard! Want to come?"

"Yahoo!" she shouted happily, jumping up from the floor and following Ben downstairs. It was getting colder and colder outside each day and she knew that she was going to need her coat, so she pulled it off the hook by the door and stuck her arms through the sleeves, not caring that it was on backwards.

"Me and Cole decided that you could come and play in our fort with us! We're playin' army and we need another soldier."

"I be a soldier!"

"That's what we thinked too! Firstest I said that girls couldn't be soldiers, but then Cole reminded me about how good a wrestler Isa could be and I think that maybe girls can be soldiers after all! Will you make us proud?"

She nodded and followed him into the fort where they both stopped and saluted Colton.

"At ease, gentleman and lady. Today we have a serious mission. Today we must gather all our backyard toys… I mean landmines and bring them into our barracks for um… because we have to turn them off for the winter."

"Yes sir!" Ben said, saluting again.

"Now Soldier Benjamin, I think you should be in charge of all the regular toys. Soldier Averylin, you can be in charge of all the sandbox toys that we play with in the dirt. Is that clear?"

"Yes sir!" they chorused, saluting, then marching out of the fort into the yard.

"Commander Colton sir! What will you be doin' sir?"

"Organizing all the toys, troop. Because Admiral daddy says that whatever is on the ground at the first snow is going in the garbage. This is a reconnaissance mission troops!"

"I ain't seen enough war movies to know what that means," Ben muttered softly, picking up a few toys. "But he's right."

Avery just nodded as the back door opened and Lindsay stepped out onto the porch.

"Averylin, did you clean your bedroom for your consequence?"

"Yes mama!" Avery shouted back, intent on carrying out her mission before Colton had to leave for school.

"Sissy, that is not a sandbox toy. It's a regular one. It's my job."

"I helpin'."

"Oh, okay! We should take this load of junk into the fort so Cole could disarm them."

Avery nodded and followed Ben into the fort, where Colton directed that they drop the toys on the ground so he could organize them into different buckets.

"Excellent effort troops! I call this mission a success!"

"Sir yes sir!"

"Averylin Grace Ross, you come in this house right now!"

"Uh-oh. You are in major trouble sissy," Ben warned. Avery whimpered and glanced out the fort window, then dove under the old card table, hiding her eyes behind her hands.

"What is she doin' Cole?"

"She thinks if she can't see us then we can't see her. She's hiding from mama."

"Why?"

"Because she's going to get in trouble again. What did you do, Aves?"

"Don't know!"

"Well if you tell us maybe we can help you!"

"Yeah sissy! Cole is right!"

She cried from behind her hands as a shadow appeared in the doorway.

"Avery, come out here right now."

"No. Can't. Hiding."

"Avery."

"You'd better go sissy. Mama has the voice what means business."

Giving one final whimper, Avery crawled out from under the table, took a deep breath and looked up at Lindsay.

"Let's go inside."

Avery was slow about following but she obeyed, her head downcast, trying to figure out what she had done wrong this time. She found herself being placed on the couch and she blinked back tears, letting her lower lip slide out in the hopes that she would be given a little mercy.

"Averylin, what was your consequence this morning?"

"Clean toys and no movies."

"And when I asked you if you had cleaned up your toys, what did you say?"

"I don't know!"

"You told me you had. I went upstairs in your room and I found that your toys are still on the floor and so are half of your clothes from when you got dressed this morning."

"Oh."

"That means you lied to me. Do you understand what a lie is?"

"No mama."

"This pillow right here is blue."

"No! It green!"

"You're right, it is green. When I said it was blue, that was a lie."

"Oh!"

"You thought a lie was when I said something you didn't like."

"Yes, I think that."

"Do you understand me now?"

"Lie say wrong."

"So did you lie to me when you said you'd cleaned your room?"

"Um… I in trouble?"

"I would like you to understand what you did wrong."

"I lie."

"You lied and you didn't take your consequence."

"Uh-oh."

"Right now we need to take Colton to school, but when we get home you are going to clean up your mess and have a time-out on the step."

"No!"

"Yes. You will also be going to bed early tonight. There will be no arguing about it and no throwing fits. Do you understand?"

"I not like it!"

"That doesn't matter. Do you understand me?"

"Yes mama."

"Okay. I would like you to put your coat on correctly so we can leave."

Avery wanted so badly to protest, she wanted to cry, but she was a soldier so she nodded and obeyed, fighting with her coat until she finally got it on. The boys had been rounded up and were getting their coats on too, so it didn't seem like this was a part of her punishment.

"Comm'der Coley? You do my zipper?"

Colton nodded and crouched down to do the zipper on her coat, then hugged her tightly.

"Whatever you did wrong Aves, me and Ben still love you a lot."

"Love you Coley. Thanks for help."

"You're welcome. Come on, let's go."

Many mornings they walked to the school which was far enough away that they had the bus option, but close enough that walking didn't take all morning. Today it was too cold though, so they piled into the car and drove the few blocks, parking at the far end of the lot and meeting the Messers in the hallway. Avery walked immediately to Sarah and hugged her as tightly as she could, feeling a few tears slip out of her eyes.

"Oh Averylin, what's the matter?"

"I so sad, Sarah. An' bad. I bad girl."

"You're not a bad girl! You're my best friend!"

"Mama give me con'quence."

"Oh dear. But you know that auntie loves you, right?"

"She so 'set."

"Mama's don't like it when their kids disobey. I will tell you about it later, okay?"

"Okay."

"Do you get to go to tumbling class today?"

"No!" Avery cried, shaking her head. "It Tue'day!"

"Don't cry Averylin! I am sure you will do tumbling class tomorrow! And we will have family dinner very soon! It's our turn to have it at our house, so you can come and play in my room and I will show you how to do some ballet, okay?"

"Okay. You go school. Love you."

"I love you too Averylin."

Ben decided to go home with Austin and Junior, a fact which made Avery very upset, and caused her to cry the entire way home. She wasn't looking forward to her consequences, but she was even more distraught at the idea of spending the day all alone with no one to play with. This was shaping up to be the worst day of her life.


	256. Chapter 256

"Lindsay decided that Avery's consequence for that little episode would be to not come to family dinner. There was much kicking and screaming, but we didn't back down. So Lindsay stayed home with her and I am sure they are avoiding each other as much as possible."

"Wow," Austin sighed, stirring the pot on the stove and shaking her head. "What is going on with that girl?"

"Not sure."

"So are you guys going to try for family pictures again or are you just going to buy the ones with Avery screaming?"

"I don't know. I wanted to ask but Lindsay was so ticked I figured it's a conversation for way later."

"Like on the seventh of never?"

"That's what I was thinking."

"Are you doing okay with all this?" Austin asked, leaving the stove to grab something out of the fridge.

"I'm not okay with it. You mean am I dealing with it?"

"Yeah."

"I'm trying. Linds wants me to think about talking to someone. She says I don't trust myself and that's not good."

Austin shook her head contemplatively then leaned against the counter next to him, stealing his glass of water and finishing it off.

"Sometimes I wonder if we think we're going to be like our fathers because we keep hearing "break the cycle" over and over again, but really we're at no more risk than anyone else. Initially I mean."

"Like, if we hadn't been told so much not to do it, it wouldn't be in our heads that we might?"

"Yeah."

He shrugged and took the glass back from her, spinning the ice-cube around in the bottom while he thought.

"Sometimes when she throws tantrums like this, I get a voice in my head saying "don't be like him, don't be like him." And I'm focusing so hard on not being him that I forget I'm supposed to be correcting her behavior. So then I feel like a failure in a totally different way. I broke one cycle and started another."

"You're a good dad, Adam whether you feel like it every waking moment or not."

"Thanks."

She reached up and squeezed his shoulder, feeling a moment pass between them that no one else would ever understand.

"Avery's pushing her boundaries and testing you right now. She's going to figure out soon enough that all these consequences don't add up to fun, just like the boys did. Unfortunately for Avery, she's about ninety percent Lindsay and that kind of stubbornness gets stronger with every generation. I mean, look at Isa."

Adam chuckled.

"I think our kids, no matter what kind of bad genes they have, are also blessed with some pretty good ones. What's that you and Lindsay say? Strong of bone, sly of wit."

"Yes that's true," Austin laughed. "Although sometimes I wish the kids weren't so sly of wit. Makes it hard to send them to their room when they crack me up."

"Yeah, you try punishing Ben when he says the things he says."

"At least you don't back down. I've watched you send him to his room and start cracking up when he's out of earshot."

"See, that's the difference between Avery and the boys. They might argue a little but they take their punishment. She fights and screams and acts like she's trying out for The Exorcist on Broadway or something. It's really kind of frightening how she gets."

"Do you think there's something actually wrong with her?"

"No, I think she's just found out how to get attention. And I kind of think that maybe she feels like she's left out. All the other kids get to go to school and she doesn't."

"She has her tumbling class though."

"She does. But it's not the same. She packs a backpack every night and puts it by her bed like the boys do."

"Have you thought about putting her in preschool?"

"Yeah. We want to wait until she's potty-trained a little better. And we don't want to do it now so she sees it as a reward."

"You guys sit up late at night and talk about your kids while Danny and I sit up and talk about the Yankees."

"Parenting styles. I never believed the hype."

"I thought there was just good and bad. I figured I would create a bell curve and fall in the middle."

"You're not in the middle. Unless cooking skills are taken into account."

"Just because my kids subsist on peanut butter and jelly and your kids are specific about what kind of salad they like doesn't give you license to mock me. Besides, I've heard of your cooking skills dear sir."

"Okay fine."

She chuckled and patted his knee before moving back to the stove where the soup she'd spent all day on was just about to overcook.

"It'll be okay, Adam. She'll grow out of it and when she starts dating you'll look back and wish for the tantrums again."

"Thanks for the perspective, Scrap."

* * *

"Daddy do we really have to go to bed already?" Ben asked for the fourth time as they made their way inside a few hours later. "We only just gotted home."

"I know, but it's late. Go up and get ready."

The boys obeyed, whispering as they went up the stairs to their bedroom. Avery's crying could be heard through the whole house, and Adam wondered how long she'd been carrying on this time. If she'd broken her two hour record, he was seriously considering permanent ear plugs. He opened her bedroom door and found her on her bed, staring at the ceiling and crying for Sarah.

"Hey sweetie," he started, sitting down next to her.

"Want my Sarah," she blubbered, sitting up and wiping her eyes. "Mama say no."

"Your consequence was to stay home tonight. I'm sorry you didn't get to see Sarah, but you did get to talk on the phone."

"She not love me."

"Sarah doesn't love you?"

"No!"

Adam shook his head and hugged his daughter tightly. Sarah had been distraught about the phone call too. She'd just called to say hi to Avery and talk to her for a few minutes and he wasn't sure what exactly had been said but by the end of the call Sarah was crying, saying that Avery was too upset to talk to. Adam had tried to get the story out of her, but she'd just shaken her head and climbed into his lap, refusing to say a word. They'd work it out, he was sure, but he didn't like seeing Sarah so upset, especially when it had been Avery's fault.

"Of course Sarah loves you. She was just upset about whatever you two argued about."

"I not wanna be mean to Sarah. I so sorry!"

"Let's call her in the morning and you can tell her you're sorry."

"I can?"

"Yes you can. Where's mama?"

"She say time for bed."

"So she put you to bed?"

"Yes. Then… I not know."

"Okay. Why don't I tuck you back in and I'll see you in the morning."

She sniffled and shook her head, but was so tired from the day that she didn't protest when he put her down and tucked the blankets tightly around her.

"Goodnight Averylin. I love you."

"Love you daddy."

After checking on the boys and tucking them in, Adam went upstairs and found Lindsay in the bathroom. The tub was filled with bubbles and she was sitting there serenely with her eyes closed and her head tipped back against the back of the tub while candles flickered from different corners. She must have broken out the aromatherapy ones because he could definitely smell eucalyptus and mint, which meant she'd needed a little stress relief.

"So how was your night?" he asked, leaning down to kiss her softly.

"Mm," she answered, keeping her eyes closed.

"Did you know Avery was crying?"

"I had the baby monitor on."

"Honey, are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. What happened?"

"She broke the grandfather clock," Lindsay sighed, finally opening her eyes.

"What? How?"

"She was mad that she didn't get to go to dinner and I told her that she could be mad as long as she wanted and when she was done she could come in and have something to eat. I left her in the living room and a few minutes later I heard glass breaking. She threw a toy and it hit the clock and broke the glass on the front."

"Oh babe," he sighed, reaching over to wipe away the tear that was starting down her cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'll get it fixed. I just feel like the worst mother on the planet for not figuring out why she's acting like this."

"You're not. We'll figure it out together."

"After I put Avery to bed I went and checked my e-mail and the photographer had sent me a picture from this afternoon. It was before Avery had her melt-down. We all looked so happy. And all it did was make me sad."

He sighed and knelt down on the bathmat, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She sniffled a few times and he kissed her while he thought of what to say.

"Did you eat yet?"

"No, I was mad about the clock."

"Why don't you finish up in here and I'll make you something and then we can talk things over until you feel better and we'll go to bed and I'll let you have most of the blankets."

She smiled at that and he kissed her once more before standing up.

"Adam?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm not hungry and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. Can we just go to bed?"

"Sure sweetie. I'll meet you up there in a little while."

* * *

"Aves? Can I talk to you?"

Avery looked up from her toys and smiled at Colton, nodding her head enthusiastically.

"Come sit, Coley. Sit by me an' play toys."

He gave her a little grin and sat down on the floor, taking the stuffed animal she offered him and joining in her game for a few minutes.

"Hey Aves?"

"Yeah?"

"I really love you a lot."

She giggled and crawled over the floor to hug him.

"I love you Coley. You so nice for play toys."

"Well, I do like playing with you because you come up with some crazy things."

She smiled and went back to her toys while he sighed and reached over to play with one of her curls.

"Aves, I don't think you are a baby."

"Nope, I not. I big girl."

"Yeah. That's how come I think it's time for me to tell you the truth."

"What's that?"

"The truth? Remember how mama explained to you about a lie?"

"Yes."

"Well the truth is the real story, without lies."

"Oh. Okay."

"Can you stop playing for just a minute so I can tell you the truth?"

She nodded and folded her hands in her lap, looking up at him with a small smile on her face.

"Aves, here's the thing. When you get mad and cry a lot, that makes mama real upset. Did you know that?"

"No Coley. I upset."

"Well I know that. Because you get mad huh?"

"Yes! Yes I do."

"Well that makes mama and daddy very sad. Because they want you to be happy. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Can I ask you to do a favor for me?"

"Okay!"

"Could you try not to get so mad? Just try. Maybe a good idea would be to take a deep breath when you get upset."

"Oh. Coley, I try for you. Make you happy."

"I know you will try. And maybe, when you're upset, you could use your words to say it, like a big girl. Instead of crying."

"I try so most."

"Even if you don't do it right I will still love you so much because you are my little sister."

She blinked several times then closed her eyes tightly before scrambling into his arms, taking the hug he was offering.

"I want be good," she confessed, starting to cry. "I just be mad an' naughty. I most bad girl."

"Hey Aves, you aren't a bad girl. You're not. You're really good mostly, and you're funny and smart and… well, you're my sister and I love you!"

She took a few deep breaths and calmed down while he hugged her.

"Avery, mama and I need you to come downstairs please!"

She sniffled and Colton wiped her eyes before helping her up from the floor.

"I'll come with you and hold your hand okay?"

"Thanks Coley."

They went downstairs together to the living room where Lindsay and Adam were sitting on the couch.

"Colton, why don't you go into the other room while we talk to your sister."

"No Coley stay please!"

"Aves, I can't. Remember you're a big girl. You can talk to mama and daddy by yourself. Remember to try."

She whimpered and nodded and he gave her one last hug before going into the other room.

"Avery come sit over here with us. We want to talk to you."

She walked over to the couch climbed up between them, feeling her skin growing hot and her stomach starting to get rumbly. She didn't like being in trouble and it seemed like she'd been getting in a lot of it lately.

"Averylin, mama told me about you breaking the clock last night."

"I so sorry."

"We know you're sorry about that. But we need to take the clock in to be fixed and you need to pay for it."

"With money?" she asked, thinking of the piggy bank upstairs in her room that was full of pennies. She didn't want to give those pennies away.

"Yes. We will take the money out of your piggy bank and use it to fix mama's clock."

"It my money."

"It's mama's clock and it is your fault it's broken. If mama broke something that was special to you, wouldn't she have to pay money to fix it?"

"Yes daddy."

"Okay. In a little while you and I are going to go together to get the clock fixed. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Last night you told me you were a big girl now," Lindsay started, tucking Avery's hair behind her ear. "So daddy and I decided that it's time for you to have big girl consequences."

"Uh-oh."

"Your consequence that daddy and I agreed on is that you are grounded from tumbling class."

"Oh no!" she wailed, dropping her face into her hands and starting to cry. "I love to tumble!"

They didn't bother telling her that the class was already over for the holidays, it had just been a convenient punishment that drove the point home.

"After your birthday and after Christmas you will be able to go back to your tumbling class. You're not grounded forever Avery."

"I mad!"

"It's okay to be mad. But Avery, the things you do have costs. Do you know what that means?"

"No."

"When you do something wrong and something bad happens like breaking mama's clock, you have to make it better. That's why it's called a consequence."

"I pay money for clock."

"Yes, that's right."

"But why no tumblin'?"

"We took away your tumbling class because you continued to throw fits last night, even after you had a consequence."

"Oh."

"Daddy and I want you to be happy, Avery."

"That what Coley say. Tell me to try be good."

"However you feel is okay. What is not okay is acting rude and disrespectful and disobeying. Big girls don't do that. Do you understand?"

"Yes mama. I sorry I break clock!"

"I forgive you honey."

Avery cried and climbed into Lindsay's lap, settling there and letting her tears flow freely for several minutes.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Averylin. Are you going to try to be a good girl from now on?"

"Yes! I try, I try!"

"Good. That makes me happy."

"Avery, why don't you sit here with mama for a bit and I'll go get your pennies and then we can go and take the clock to get fixed."

"Okay daddy," she whispered, wrapping her arms around Lindsay's neck and weaving her fingers through her hair. She felt so much better now, sitting there with her mama instead of being so mad and yelling at her. All she wanted now was her mama and daddy and nothing else. She didn't even care about her consequences anymore.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"Most sorry."

"I know you are honey. And I forgive you and I love you. Nothing you could ever do would make me stop loving you, okay?"

"Mama love me forever?"

"Forever and ever and ever."

"Oh good! I so worried."

"You don't ever have to worry."

* * *

He'd never really enjoyed talking about his father in depth, and even if he was very open about his feelings, that didn't mean he enjoyed talking about them with a therapist. It wasn't like Emily was a stranger; she'd been there to counsel Lindsay for years, they'd gone to her together, and even Colton had a few sessions with her. But he'd always been very exclusive about who he shared his past with, and he wasn't sure how to talk about things with anyone outside that close circle.

"When it comes down to it, are you worried about abusing your kids, or are you worried that you're not the perfect father?"

He chuckled wryly.

"You make it sound like it's one or the other."

"You think it's one or the other."

He was quiet for a moment, looking at his hands and trying to figure out how to put it into words.

"I don't want my kids to ever look back and think that I did something wrong. It's okay to make mistakes, but I don't want them to think that was normal for me. I would like to be a dad to my kids without ever worrying about being like my father. I don't even want it to come up."

"You still don't feel like you're free from your father."

"No, I don't. What he did has affected me more as an adult than it did as a kid."

"Do you want to know why I think that is?"

"Go for it."

"I think that as a kid it was something that happened to you, and you didn't fully understand how wrong and hurtful it was until you became a dad, and everything he had ever done flew in the face of what you discovered fatherhood to be. It wasn't just wrong because it hurt. You found out what it means to love your child, to want to raise them to be good people, and what you're afraid of isn't really making a mistake. What you're afraid of is failing altogether. So when the kids act out, you automatically worry about what you're going to do not because you were abused, but because your father didn't raise you not to be like that. You overcame it on your own."

"So you're saying it's not foundational for me."

"Exactly. That's why people talk about it being so hard to break the cycle. Because no matter how much you don't want to do it, it's not instinctive to do it right. You had to learn how, go against what was ingrained in you as a child."

"That makes sense."

Emily nodded gently and looked down at her notes for a minute, then back up at him her face quizzical yet non-judgmental.

"Adam, I have to ask, even though I know the answer. Do you feel like you are a danger to your kids?"

"No, I don't."

"Okay. How often do you talk to Lindsay about your struggles with this?"

"Not very often. I try to let it go as soon as it comes up but sometimes… I guess I tell her about it when I feel like I need to talk. Most of the time I'm fine not hashing it out."

"Any chance you could try and talk about it more?"

He shook his head then stopped and thought about it for a moment before going back to a negative response.

"I don't want it to become who or what I am. I don't want to be constantly dwelling on it. I don't want the people I confide in to get so bored with it that they don't listen when I really need it."

"I'm not trying to get you to talk about it all the time. I just think it might be a good idea to check in with yourself every few days about how you feel. Talk to Lindsay, let her know moments where you worried and times when you didn't. You'll start to pinpoint the specifics and eventually it will get easier to not think about your father when you're dealing with your kids."

"Is it normal for people in my situation to feel this way?"

"I've seen ranges of emotions from people in your situation, but for someone as stable as you are, yes, this is normal. You have to remember that getting out of his house, or turning 18, or moving away didn't fix what he'd done. It's always there, it's a fact and it doesn't go away. You're never going to make it go away no matter what you do. But what you can do is banish it so far from your mind that you don't let it influence you day to day. You've learned valuable lessons from it, and in kind of a roundabout way it makes you a better father than most. You value your children in a different way than people who grew up in a happy home. Everyone has parenting struggles. This is yours."

He nodded and let her words sink in for a while, thinking about the kids and how he would make sure that his mistakes weren't the norm, that it wasn't what they remembered someday when he was gone.

"Can I ask your personal opinion on something?"

"You can ask."

"Lindsay and I want to adopt in a few years. Do you think we're fit parents?"

"Yes. I would recommend you for any kind of adoption."

"My past isn't going to work against us? Her depression?"

"You've proven that you're different than your father. Lindsay hasn't shown signs of lasting depression in several years, right?"

"She has her days, but nothing lasting, no."

"There would be no reason for you to not become adoptive parents in my opinion. Just because you struggle with one thing doesn't mean you struggle with it all."

"Okay. Thank you."

"Adam, I want you to remind yourself what a good father you are. Because the kids you have, they didn't just happen. The two of you are good parents and you're raising them to be the way they are. Don't focus on the rough patches because when you look down and your child, that's not what you see."

"No, it's not."

"Then when they look at you, that's not what they'll see either."

For the first time in his life, it was like every worry he had was making sense, every hurt had a purpose, every scar had a lesson and every setback had forward motion.


	257. Chapter 257

"You are so sleeping on the couch Adam Ross," Lindsay sighed. "For a week. At least."

He couldn't stop giggling as she tried to politely dig the peas out of her shirt.

"Seriously, how old are you?"

He shrugged and waited until she'd gotten everything out, then launched another pea at her.

"Mac, would you make him stop?"

Mac just laughed and shook his head while Danny tried yet again to toss a pea down Austin's shirt when she wasn't looking. He missed.

"This is not Thanksgiving behavior. I'm very disappointed in you Adam."

"Hey, you should be proud that I finally beat Danny at something somewhat sport related."

"Maybe I should be but I'm not."

"I just can't win. Even when I win."

"Maybe you should not use your wife as a backboard."

A looked passed between them and she bit down hard on the side of her cheek to keep from laughing.

"Okay. Lesson learned."

"Very good."

"I think it's time for you boys to go get some dishes done," Jo remarked, surveying the table and feeling satisfied that the cooking was still a harder job than the clean-up. The guys didn't seem to agree, grumbling as they gathered plates and dishes and took them into the kitchen.

"I like this tradition," Lindsay said, discreetly checking down her shirt for more peas. "But I don't always enjoy what food overload does to our men."

"Sometimes I think that maybe they have reached the highest level of maturity they can possibly achieve, and they have to backslide a little."

"You're giving them too much credit, Jo."

"Hey, at least we've got them."

"I guess that's true."

Avery ran into the room at that moment, tears streaming down her face. She jumped into Lindsay's lap and sobbed with everything she had in her, crying so hard that she sounded like she was going to get sick.

"Honey, take a deep breath. Be calm."

"They say I too little!"

"Who did?"

"The big kids! They gonna play a game and I too little!" she reported, trying as hard as she could to get her story out without tears. "Sarah telled me no! Said I eat the pieces! I not eat pieces! I not! I not a baby!"

She scrubbed at her eyes as if to prove her point, then hiccupped and buried her face in Lindsay's shoulder.

"Mama, they so mean to Avery!"

"Honey, they're just older than you-"

"I not like this. I gettin' mad!"

"Why don't you and I go for a walk?"

"Just you an' me?"

"Yeah, just us. It's starting to snow. We can bundle up and see if anyone is making a snowman yet."

"Okay mama! Babies not have walks in snow."

"You're right, I would never take a baby out in the snow like this. Let's go get your shoes and coat on."

Avery nodded and ran into the front hallway where Jo had hung all their coats when they arrived. She found her boots and pulled them aside and was just tugging on her plaid pea coat to try and get it down from the hook when Lindsay joined her.

"Here, let me lift you up so you can reach."

Avery smiled and grabbed the coat and they both bundled up before heading out the door. It was just cold enough to snow and the sidewalk was still almost visible, but Avery was delighted anyway.

They walked slowly through the neighborhood, leaving footprints behind them, and making occasional comments to each other.

"Mama?"

"Yeah honey?"

"You like my hat?"

Lindsay chuckled and reached her free hand over to fix the ear-flap winter hat that Avery had picked out at the store last week. It was made to look like an owl and had caused much happy squealing from Avery when she first saw it.

"I love your hat. You know what I love more?"

"What?"

"The girl wearing the hat."

Avery chuckled and squeezed Lindsay's hand.

"Mama, I not mad."

"You're not?"

"No. I like this. Me an' you an' the snow."

"I like it too. Did you know that me and your uncle Freddie used to take walks in the snow when I was a little girl in Montana?"

"You was little, mama?"

"Yes I was. I was little just like you. And your uncle Freddie and I used to go on walks in the snow in the afternoons. Sometimes we would just take a walk around outside the house, but sometimes we would get in the truck and drive into town. And we would go to this restaurant and get hot chocolate and he always let me get extra whipped cream on the top."

"Oh mama! Mama! Me an' uncle Freddie, we haved hot chocolate! Boys at school!"

"Last time he came over?"

"Yes! I not know you do that too!"

"Yep, we did."

"Mama, I so like snow. It pretty. Why it fall?"

"It's just like rain, only colder."

"Oh."

They continued on their way around the block, arriving back at Mac and Jo's just as it was getting too dark to be wandering around the neighborhood.

"Mama," Avery said as they started up the porch. "Thank you for walkin' me."

"You're welcome honey. I bet by now the kids are done playing their game so you could go join them."

"Well… I want sit with mama an' the ladies."

Lindsay laughed and swung Avery up into her arms, kissing her cheeks softly.

"Averylin, I love you so much."

"I love you so much mama. We go inside the house an' talk with the ladies now."

"Okay sweetheart."

* * *

By the end of the night all the kids were grumpy and arguing with each other and Avery had thrown a fit of such grand proportions when she'd been told it was time to go, that she'd worn herself out and fell asleep right in Mac and Jo's entryway. She'd crawled onto the pile of shoes and grabbed one to cuddle with as she slept and while it was funny that she would chose a loafer for comfort, Flack had been the unfortunate owner and had to endure teasing from Austin that Avery wasn't really asleep, she was just passed out from the smell.

Adam pried the shoe from his daughter's chubby fingers, then pulled her up into his arms while Lindsay put her coat over her. Ben was getting tired too, holding onto Adam's leg and whining about having to leave Junior and asking repeatedly why they couldn't have a sleepover. Junior was similarly upset, crossing his arms over his chest and declaring that he wasn't going home unless Ben was coming too.

"Boys, I know you love each other, but it's getting late and it's time to go home. You'll see each other on Monday at school."

"That's too far!" Ben protested, whipping his glasses off so he could wipe his eyes. "Me and Dunner want to still play!"

"Hey Ben. I'll play with you for a while when we get home," Colton offered with a little shrug. "After all, that's why we have brothers and sisters, to play with when our friends aren't there."

"Hey yeah! Dunner, is that okay with you? You could play with your sisters."

Junior sighed and nodded.

"Okay Binyin, but next time we need to plan this earlier."

They hugged each other and pretty soon everyone was heading home, laden down with leftovers that Jo insisted they all take. Ben was asleep before they reached the end of the block and Colton was yawning every few minutes. The snow was slippery on the roads and hadn't been plowed yet, so it was slow going from Manhattan to Brooklyn. Lindsay leaned over and turned the radio on quietly, putting her feet on the dashboard and leaning back in her seat just a little.

"So was Avery okay when you went for your walk?"

"Yeah. I think she just needs to be reassured that she's not a baby. The other kids are so much older than her and sometimes they do stuff that she just can't keep up with."

"Feels a little left out huh?"

"Yeah. Maybe we should think more about putting her in preschool. It might help her to have friends her own age."

"Does Ben's old preschool take them that young?"

"I think so. I can check next week. We need to think of something for her."

"She'd enjoy something that was all her own. Especially if it made her feel grown up."

"Yeah probably."

"So you want to stay up and watch a dumb movie with me?"

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"Maybe like _Napoleon Dynamite_?"

"Nah, Austin and I watched that a couple weeks ago."

"You quoted the whole thing and she kept asking why in the world you were watching it."

"Exactly."

"We'll find something stupid. Hey, stop light coming up."

"And?"

"Aren't you going to kiss me?"

She chuckled and leaned over the console to kiss him briefly, before pointing to the road again.

"Now, pay attention."

"Yes ma'am."

They arrived home late and Colton had managed to stay awake enough to get inside the house under his own power, but he wasn't able to change his clothes before crashing face first onto his bed. Lindsay carried Ben carefully up the stairs, realizing suddenly how big he was getting and how hard it was to carry him.

She tucked him in gently and removed his glasses, watching him for a moment as he slept. He had a loose tooth and the baby fat was slowly leaving his cheeks, and he didn't sleepily scramble for a stuffed animal to hold onto at night. She wasn't looking at a baby boy anymore. He was a little kid now. She leaned down and kissed him a few times, then smoothed his hair back and tucked him in, leaving his jeans and polo on, because he would be thrilled about it when he woke up. She spent a few minutes cleaning up the room, then tucked Colton into his bed, smiling when he reached his hand out lazily until he found hers, then pressed it to his cheek, just like Adam sometimes did.

"Goodnight son, I love you."

He gave her a sleepy half-grin and rolled over, pulling the blankets up to his chin. He looked older somehow too; maybe it was the fact that his ninth birthday was looming just around the corner, or possibly it was the magic way that he looked more and more like Adam every day. No matter what it was, she couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic for the nights when she'd rocked him to sleep in that little bedroom that was lit up by a novelty nightlight, where the cats curled at her feet and Colton kept his eyes on her until he just couldn't keep them open anymore. She missed those times more than she thought.

Quietly making her way out of the boys room, she checked on Avery, who was already in bed, snoring like crazy. She definitely needed a good nights rest after a day with no nap, and hopefully tomorrow would be okay. Her tantrums had been few and far between, but much more intense when they did happen. She didn't seem to get as mad as before, but she still whined and screamed until she wore herself out or accepted the fact that she wasn't getting what she wanted. No matter how frustrating it was, Lindsay couldn't help but tiptoe over to the bed and give her little girl a goodnight kiss, then stand there for a moment and watch her sleep.

"Hey babe," Adam whispered from the doorway. "You left your phone on the couch. You have fourteen missed calls from Taylor. Might want to call her back."

"Yeah okay," Lindsay agreed, leaving Avery's room and taking the phone from Adam, then following him downstairs.

"Fourteen calls is a lot. Did she leave a message?"

"Of course not. She hates the way her voice sounds and she doesn't want anyone to record it to play back later."

"She's not even related to you and she acts just like you."

"I trained her."

Adam laughed and opened the cabinet, looking for a movie while Lindsay stretched out on the couch and returned the calls.

"So you don't answer your phone?" Taylor greeted, sounding like she was trying to fake being mad but not succeeding very well.

"I left it because I was scatterbrained this morning. What warrants fourteen calls? Did you and Josh with the lottery?"

"No, but if we did I would probably only call you seven times because after taxes, the lottery isn't that awesome."

"I see. So what's going on?"

"Well… first of all, I don't want you to feel old."

"Taylor."

"I'm kinda pregnant."

"What?"

"I mean I'm really pregnant but just coming out and saying it like that is still awkward to me, so throwing the 'kinda' in there helps to make it better."

"You're pregnant."

"Yes."

"I'm so happy right now I don't even know what to say."

"I'm glad you're happy. I'm scared to death."

"Happy at all?"

"I think I'm in shock Linds. We weren't planning on having kids. And I'm afraid I'm going to suck at it."

"You won't suck Taylor. No one ever gets it completely right."

"You do."

"No, not at all."

"You did with me."

"That's not the same. You don't worry about being perfect, you just worry about being good. And you are going to be good, sweetie. I promise you."

"Will you be here when it happens? I'm due at the end of July."

"Of course I will. I wouldn't miss it for anything."

"Good. I am kind of excited too. Josh is going to be a really good dad. He can't wait."

"Well, share in his enthusiasm. I think pregnancy takes so long so you have time to adjust to it."

"Maybe. Do you mind being called granny?"

"Yes, I mind. I'm not ninety-four."

"How about nana? Is that okay?"

"I can deal with that."

"Okay. I need to go throw up some more."

"Alright sweetie. Call me back tomorrow and we'll talk more. I love you."

"I love you too."

They hung up the phone and Lindsay stared at it for a while.

"So, you're gonna be a grandma?" Adam chuckled, sitting down with her.

"And you're gonna be a grandpa, old man."

"No, just you. Grandma."

"Stop."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

"Is she excited?"

"She's scared, but I think she'll be excited really soon. She just has to get used to it. And it's quite the change in plans for them."

"It's an adjustment for now but she'll be fine. She's been around you and your mom enough that she's going to find herself a lot better prepared than she thought."

"I'll let her know."

"Feel old?"

"Shut up."

"Maybe we'll send you out there in a few months to help her get ready. I'm sure it would make you both feel better. Maybe you could take Avery with you."

"That's a good idea. Just a long weekend or something. Avery does keep talking about wanting to go to Montana because Colton said there's horses."

"She'll love it. We'll look at tickets tomorrow, and then we'll figure out when we can all go this summer."

"All of us?"

"Yeah, you promised your mom we would do vacation there this summer. Might as well kill two birds with one stone."

"Okay. You're wonderful, do you know that?"

"I'm just making up for the fact that my parents are spending Christmas here again."

"You don't have to make up for anything, I love your parents. And the fact that your mom cooks the entire time she's here, leaving me enough leftovers that I don't have to cook for another week after they're gone."

"You're really spoiled sometimes aren't you?"

"Yes, and I'm comfortable with that."

"I'm sure you are."

* * *

"Avery, let's go!" Adam shouted up the stairs, checking his watch.

"I comin'," she hollered back. "My shoes on!"

"Come down here and I'll help you."

She appeared at the top of the stairs with a shoe in each hand, then looked at the handrail and whimpered. She didn't like to go down the stairs without holding onto something.

"Just roll your shoes down the stairs honey."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

Giggling, she pushed her shoes down the stairs and clapped as they clunked all the way down.

"Where we go?"

"We're going to go pick up mama's clock. It's finally fixed."

"Oh," she sighed, hanging her head as she walked slowly down the stairs. "I break that clock. With mad."

"Yeah, I remember, but mama forgave you and the clock is fixed so we don't have to talk about it anymore."

She sat down on the bottom step and he crouched down to put her shoes on while she sighed.

"Daddy, I so sorry."

"I know you are."

"I bein' a good girl?"

"You've been a very good girl lately. I know it's hard for you sometimes when you get frustrated, but you're learning."

"Yes, I learn. But… the boys is good. I is bad."

"You are not bad. Making mistakes does not mean you're bad. Mama and I both make plenty of mistakes."

"No, you not."

"Yes we do. Everyone does. You just have to learn from them."

"Oh, okay. That good. We go now?"

"Yes, we're ready to go."

She raised her arms and he picked her up, giving her a tight hug and kissing her head.

"I love you Tink."

"I love daddy. We go get mama's clock an' a present?"

"A present for who?"

"Me! Because I learnin'!"

"Well, we'll see. Maybe we can pick up a movie for you and the boys to watch tonight."

"Okay! That be most fun."

He chuckled and they went outside where Lindsay and the boys were playing in the leftover snow that had only accumulated to an inch.

"We're leaving but we'll be back in a little while. Boys, be good."

"We will daddy! How could we be bad playin' in the snow?" Ben asked, his hand on his hip. "Extra-specially on a day when I waked up wearin' the clothes what I wored all day long!"

"I knew he'd be happy about that," Lindsay chuckled, adjusting Avery's hat. "You guys be safe okay?"

"We will. Have lunch ready for us when we get back."

"Yes sir."

Avery laughed and saluted as they made their way to the car.

"Daddy, we have music?" she asked after a while.

"Sure honey."

She nodded along to the music he found on the radio, staring out the window at the passing cars and kicking her legs gently against the seat.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah sweetheart?"

"I 'joy this. With you."

"I enjoy spending time with you too."

"I your little girl," she announced. "Mama say I get big but still be little girl for you."

"Yeah, that's right. Papa still calls mama his baby girl."

"Oh."

"That's just what daddies do."

"I love my daddy. You the goodest."

"I am?"

"Yep."

He smiled and let his eyes float from the road to her reflection in the rear-view mirror a few times, wondering just what he had done so right in life to deserve the kids he had.

They arrived at the clock repair shop a little while later and hopped out of the car. Avery looked longingly at a puddle in the middle of the parking lot, but then looked down at her boots and decided that she didn't want to get them dirty.

The bell on the door tinkled as they entered and an old man came out of the back, adjusting his glasses.

"Hi man!" Avery said, giving him a wave. "We get mama's clock. I breaked it."

"Oh that's right," he chuckled, reaching under the counter to get the box. "I've got it right here, good as new."

Avery smiled and stood on her tip-toes, trying to see until Adam lifted her up.

"Sorry I break you, clock," she said, reaching down to pat the box. "I not do again."

Adam chuckled and paid for the repair, then set Avery back on the floor so he could carry the box.

"Come on sweetie, let's take this to mama."

"Okay!"

She took his free hand and skipped as they went back to the car, then stood patiently while he put the box in the trunk and made sure it was secure.

"So, what do you think about having some hot chocolate before we go home?" he asked when he buckled her into her seat.

"Oh yes! Most yummy daddy!"

"Good. We'll go get some. It will be our treat."

"Oh daddy, love you so!"

"I love you too little girl."

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"I like be good girl. It happy."

"Yeah sweetie. It makes me happy too."

She reached up and patted his face and he gave her forehead a little kiss, glad that the lessons they'd tried so hard to teach were finally sinking in.


	258. Chapter 258

"Come they telled him, ba-rum-ba-bum-bum! Our newborn thing to see, ba-rum-ba-bum-bum!" Ben sang happily, making his voice as deep and as loud as he could because he liked to sound like Bing Crosby. "I am a poor kid too, ba-rum-bum-bum! This is a gift I brunged, ba-rum-ba-bum-bum!"

"Hey Ben, we need go to the grocery store," Lindsay chuckled, coming up the stairs. "I know you're practicing for your Christmas pageant but we really need to get going."

"I know that mama, but it's tonight! I need to make sure my voice is in shape!"

"You can't work your voice too much honey," she countered, taking the comb from his hand and fixing the mess he'd made of his hair.

"I just like to be prepared. And daddy says that the 'coustics in the bathroom are the best for practicin'."

"I see. Why don't you go get your shirt on so we can go?"

"Okay. Can I practice later?"

"Maybe. We'll see."

He went into his room and got a shirt, then went downstairs where Colton was giving Avery a piggyback ride around the room, and both of them were laughing loudly.

"Ben! Look at me!"

"Hey, Cole, you never gived me a ride like that!"

"You're too heavy. Aves is just the right size."

"Well I wanna play too!"

"You can play when we get home. We need to go to the store or we're not going to have anything for dinner tonight."

"Mama, maybe you should plan better," Ben suggested with a shrug.

"You're right. Let's get in the car."

The kids sighed and bundled up, heading out to the car obediently. It was going to be a very busy day and she was certain that Ben's insistence that his Christmas pageant was the most important thing he would ever do meant that he was going to be very high maintenance today.

She chose the bigger grocery store because it was easier to navigate the cart around the aisles, even if it was further away from the house. The kids didn't mind the longer drive, and she didn't even have to remind them to be on their best behavior before they got out of the car. Colton was tall enough to push the cart now, and he handled his job well while Avery sat in the front seat and played with the plastic dog she'd brought along with her. Ben walked along the aisles and announced the prices out loud, acting like he was shocked about the amount of money they were spending.

"So mama, next week my class is going on a field trip," Colton started, measuring the weight of the green beans she was buying. "And we're going to a place where a lot of old people live and we're going to bring them Christmas cookies and sing to them. My teacher said that some of the people are very old and they might not understand why we're there. It's a place called a… um… a nursing home?"

"Yeah, that's what it's called."

"So people get old and they don't know what's going on?"

"Not always. Sometimes when people age, their brains get tired and stop working as well. They can't remember a lot of things and they get confused easily."

"Oh. That's sad, mama."

"I know. But I'm sure that they will really like to see all you kids there."

"Yeah. We even made them Christmas cards to make them happy. I think it's kind of nice to do. Anyway, my teacher said that we need to have more parents go with us and I was hopin' that your or daddy could go. You never get to go on my field trips."

"I bet I could go honey. What day is it on?"

"Wednesday morning. Could you really go?"

"Yep. I just need to find someone to watch Avery."

"Oh mama that will be great! I'm the only kid in my class that… well, it will just be fun for you to go with me!"

Lindsay smiled and put her arm around him, feeling guilty for working so much.

"I would love to go with you, Colton. Thanks for asking me. Want to pick out a cereal?"

"Yeah! Can I get Frosted Flakes? It's my favorite right now. Hey Ben, what do you want to pick? Ben? Mama, where's Ben?"

"Benjamin, where are you?" Lindsay asked, looking frantically around the aisle. She knew he hadn't been snatched, he would have made way too much of a racket.

"Ben, where are you?"

"Avery, where did Ben go?"

"I not know mama. I playin' toys. Ben!"

They all continued to call for Ben, walking quickly through the aisles and keeping their eyes peeled for him. He couldn't have gotten very far, it wasn't that long since they'd seen him.

"I found him!" Colton shouted, tearing down the candy aisle. Ben was at the end of the aisle, having found one of the M&M display characters. He was hugging it tightly and crying for all he was worth.

"Ben! Hey Ben, we found you!"

Ben looked up at Colton and cried a little more, then wrapped his arms around his brother.

"I was lookin' at those grapes what we're real big," he started, sniffling. "And then I looked up and everyone was gone! So I started to look and I seen this guy, and I thinked that he was so nice in the commercials, so I just hugged him and then I breaked down!"

"It's okay Ben, we found you now!"

"This is the worstest thing what happened to me since I been six!"

"Well then it can't get any worse," Colton chuckled, helping his brother to his feet.

"I suppose not," Ben agree, wiping his eyes as they walked back towards the cart together.

"Oh Ben, I so scared!" Avery whimpered, reaching over to pat his head. "You not do that 'gain, okay then?"

"Okay sissy. Boy, that was sure frightening."

Lindsay chuckled and held onto his little hand for a few moments until she felt normal again. Losing a child in a store was a scare certainly, but things like that were always worse, in light of what had happened with Colton. They would probably never be over it completely.

"Are we done shoppin' yet? I'd like to get home and practice my singin' some more before the big show."

"You know Ben," Colton started carefully. "Maybe it would be a good idea for you to not practice any more. I mean, you don't want to hurt your voice, plus we want to be surprised at the show. We don't want you to give anything away."

"You mean like you want the show to be a secret?"

"Yeah, kind of like that."

"Okay! I won't practice anymore. Here mama, let me help you with those grocery things."

He began to put things on the conveyor belt while Colton sighed with relief.

"Mama, I gotta admit, I just didn't want to hear him sing anymore."

"Can I tell you a secret? Me neither."

* * *

"And sissy, this is the gym where we do sports and also at lunch time for the big kids it turns into a eatin' place and tonight it gots lots of chairs in it so we can do our show! Isn't that neato? It's a transformer room!"

Avery sighed and looked around apparently impressed.

"Oh hey mama and daddy, here's someone I'd like you to meet!" Ben continued excitedly, pulling them across the room. "This here is my very firstest girlfriend called Rosie! I'm gonna marry her when I get a bigger age. Rosie, this is my mama and daddy and they are real nice so you don't have to be shy."

The little blonde girl nodded and stuck out her hand politely.

"Um, Mr. Ross, your son Ben is a very nice boy."

"I'm glad to hear that, Rosie. He thinks you're a very nice girl too."

"Yep, 'course I do. I wouldn't be in love with you otherwise. Hey there's the Messers! Hey Junior, I'm over here with Rosie!"

Junior came running over and hugged Ben, then gave Rosie a cordial nod, as if he was acknowledging that she was there but didn't want to have anything to do with her.

"Hey Ben, who's your friend?" Danny asked.

"I just got done tellin' mama and daddy that this is my girlfriend Rosie. And Rosie, this is Junior's daddy Danny, and his ma Austin, and his sisters Isa and Sarah. Oh yeah, this is my brother Cole and my sister Avery. You don't gotta remember all their names though."

"Okay," Rosie whispered, her eyes growing wide. "Um Ben, I want to go find my mommy now but I am not being rude."

"Okay! I will see you on stage then."

She gave him a nod and walked away quickly, clearly overwhelmed.

"Averylin, would you like to sit on my lap during the show?" Sarah asked, taking Avery's hand. "So you can see better?"

"No, I sit daddy's lap. You can too!"

"Uncle Adam could I sit on your lap too?"

"Sure honey."

"Okay!"

"Hey Binyin, it's time to go backstage," Junior said, handing his coat to Austin. "Remember how we gotta line up by size?"

"Yep! Let's go! Bye folks, we'll see ya after the show!"

The boys held hands and took off across the gym while Colton and Isa giggled.

"What's so funny you two?"

"They just think it's so important," Isa said, rolling her eyes. "Like they're professional singers."

"Isabeth, you won't be telling either of the boys that it's not important, you got it?"

"I got it, but that doesn't mean I won't laugh about it with Colt right now."

"So that was Ben's girlfriend huh?" Austin chuckled as they all found seats in the middle of the gym.

"Yeah. I didn't know he had a girlfriend. I feel a little out of the loop," Lindsay answered, handing Avery a sippy cup of water.

"Daniel isn't thrilled about it."

"I sensed something was amiss."

"He doesn't like to share his Binyin."

"Well hopefully it doesn't come up. I don't think Ben suspects anything."

"They had words."

"What? How come I don't know anything about this?"

Austin shrugged and took a minute to wave Mac and Jo over to where they were sitting before she continued the story.

"Daniel came home really upset today. I asked him what was going on and he said that Ben gave him an ol' tomato."

"Ultimatum?"

"Yeah. He said that he doesn't like Rosie because she takes up too much of Ben's time and he "confrontated Binyin" about it and Ben said that he likes them both and Rosie is not mean to Daniel so he has no reason to be mean to her."

"Very diplomatic but…"

"What?"

"I don't know, I just feel bad for Junior. Seems like he's getting the bad end of the deal, having to share his best friend with a girl."

"Maybe so, but it's going to happen as they grow up. They're going to have to learn to deal with the fact that they are not the only two kids on earth and they're going to have to share each other occasionally."

"This better not be your way of telling me you've found another best friend."

"No way, who could stand me?"

"Shh, everyone, the show is starting!" Sarah squealed as the lights dimmed.

"Show startin'," Avery repeated, clapping her hands. "Look for Ben an' Dan-yo!"

"Averylin, you have to whisper now."

"Okay. Ssssssssssss!"

"What are you doing?"

"Whisperin'."

Sarah just shook her head as the kindergarteners filed onto the risers on the stage. They all looked small and scared with their assortment of elf and Santa hats, and red and green scarves. Ben and Junior were standing near each other and Avery bounced up and down in Adam's lap, waving at them.

"Hi boys!" she shouted loudly, causing both of them to turn a deep shade of red and wave sheepishly back.

"That's the boys," Avery said, leaning over to tell Mac. "Up there, on a stage."

"Oh really? I didn't know."

"Yep, that them. I so proud."

Mac snickered and Avery folded her hands in her lap, quite excited about whatever was about to happen.

The music started once all the kids were in place and after a few seconds of nervousness, sixty or so little voices combined, off-key and off-beat, singing _Frosty the Snowman_. Most of the kids just stood there and sang, some of them swayed a little, and then there was Ben. Ben was dancing his heart out, as best he could on the small risers, keeping his eyes closed in concentration. He was singing along, probably quite loudly and raising his arms in time with the music. After a while the other kids started to stare at him, as he was creating such a display of himself. Once the song ended he resumed a normal position, smiling as the next song started up.

He danced again.

"Hey Linds," Adam asked, laughing as he leaned over to her. "What in the world did you feed him today?"

"Nothing special. He has no rhythm at all!" she laughed, noticing that Avery had slipped off of Adam's lap and was dancing in the aisle.

"We have got to teach our kid some better moves."

"I totally agree."

The second song ended and Avery jumped up and down, hollering as loud as she could.

"Yay Ben! Most good!"

He heard her shouts and grinned, using both hands to dramatically blow her a kiss.

"Oh man, this is so embarrassing," Colton sighed. "Everyone knows they're related to me!"

While Colton bemoaned the fact that his friends were going to tease him about his brother, Ben and Junior were having an onstage discussion. It couldn't be heard of course, but it didn't take much guessing to realize that Junior had asked "Binyin, what are you doing?" and Ben had happily answered "I'm dancin', Dunner! I'm havin' fun!"

Before Junior could warn him that no one else was dancing, the third song started up again and so did Ben. It seemed he was losing even more inhibitions, and sense of personal space, as the kids around him were having to dodge his flying arms as they sang. Everyone in the audience was laughing now, but Ben didn't seem to notice.

After another half hour of songs, Christmas poem recitations and Ben dancing like he'd been infected with some kind of a virus, the program drew to a close. The kids came down from the bleachers and stood in a line at the edge of the stage, all taking a bow before filing off to the sides. Amid much clapping, Ben stayed where he was and kept bowing dramatically, over and over again until he went to grab the hands of his classmates and realized that they were not there anymore. He finally opened his eyes and saw the chuckling audience, saw that he was alone, and realized that they were laughing at him. His eyes grew wide and he ran off the stage.

"Where Ben go?" Avery asked, suddenly concerned. "He done most good!"

"I think he's a little embarrassed, Averylin," Sarah commented. "He was just dancing to be true to his heart and no one understands. I know how he feels. Shall we go find him and give him an encouraging hug?"

"Oh my poor Ben," Avery sighed, shaking her head. "Daddy, we go get him?"

"The kids will come out and find us when it's time."

Colton kept hiding his face in his hands and when Lindsay asked him what was wrong, he informed her that he wanted to get over his embarrassment before Ben came out, so he could be supportive. While Lindsay appreciated his love for his brother, she wasn't quite sure that he needed to be so dramatic. It wasn't like the entire school was there, the only older kids that would see it would be the ones that had siblings in kindergarten. Of course, Isa's good-natured teasing wasn't helping the situation very much.

It was a few minutes before the kids came out of the back and while Junior ran to the group and asked if they'd had fun, Ben took his time, keeping his head down and walking through the crowds of people. He found Lindsay and grabbed onto her legs, not crying, but seemingly upset all the same.

"Benjamin, I liked the way you felt the music," Sarah said, patting his back. "It's too bad the other kids didn't let themselves go like you did."

"Sarah, I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay Benjamin but if you change your mind, I am here to listen."

"Me too!" Avery agreed, hugging him tightly. "I 'joy your dancin'."

"Thanks sissy. I won't be doing that again. Mama, I need you to hold me. This day is bad."

Chuckling a little, Lindsay leaned down and picked him up. He buried his face in her neck and sighed a few times before letting a few tears fall.

"Mama… Rosie breaked up with me!"

"What?"

"She said that I am just too wild! She still wants to be friends but… she likes Dunner instead now!"

He burst into quiet tears and Junior rushed over, patting his leg.

"Binyin! Binyin, I don't like her! Don't be mad at me, I don't want her for a girlfriend!"

"Well of course you don't!" Ben sighed. "You wouldn't betray me like that."

"Whew. I was scared you were gonna be mad."

"I'm not mad. Just desperately heartbroken."

Lindsay sat down in the chair and brushed Ben's tears away. He sniffled and looked up at her sadly, shaking his head a little.

"Mama, I'm havin' a moment of… that one word where you think about yourself and what you do."

"Introspection?"

"Yes, that."

"Sweetie, I know you're embarrassed."

"It's not just that! I need to do some thinkin' about my choices in life."

"Okay honey. You go ahead and think."

He slid off her lap and was scooped up by Jo who kissed his cheeks and told him how proud of him she was. He gave her a polite smile and she whispered something in his ear that made him nod his head and puff out his chest a little.

"Poor Ben," Austin chuckled. "He really is a sensitive boy."

* * *

"Okay we've got popcorn, we've got ice-cream, we've got lots of blankets, and we've got a movie. Does anyone need anything else before we start?" Adam asked, grunting as he fought the pull-out bed from the couch.

"I go potty!" Avery shouted, jumping off the couch.

"Me too!" Colton said, running to the upstairs bathroom while Avery ran into the little one off the laundry room.

Ben sighed and climbed up onto the bed, settling into the middle of it with his blanket and his favorite stuffed animal. He'd been quiet during the car ride home, which was totally unnatural for him, considering he usually had to make comments about everything he saw along the way. He'd barely cracked a smile when Colton and Avery had decided on one of his favorite movies to watch and when Avery had run around the house without her shirt on, he hadn't even laughed.

"Hey honey, can I sit by you for the movie?" Lindsay asked, wrapping an arm around him. "I've got popcorn."

Ben just nodded and hugged his stuffed animal a little tighter.

"I done some thinkin'," he said finally. "In light of the events of the night, I comed to a decision."

"What decision is that son?"

"I decided that it's time for me to let other people do the speakin'. I don't gotta be in the spotlight all the time. So now I will not talk so much or do the stuff what's silly, but I will think about it in my head. And you know, my head is pretty big, so there's lots of room for thoughts in there. It will all work out!"

"Ben, I don't want you to stop being who you are."

"Maybe who I are is not who I been bein'."

"What?"

"I don't know. That's just what I been thinkin' about. And I also decided that if other people are talkin' more, I will get to hear lots of stories. And I like stories!"

"But Ben, we like to hear your stories too."

"Mama tonight at the show, I was so busy dancin', that I didn't notice anyone else. That leaded to me bein' embarrassed. I don't want that to happen again."

"Son, you don't have to do what other people do."

"I know that daddy. What I'm sayin' is… well what I'm sayin' is that…I need to take a break from my crazy self!"

"Ben, daddy and I want you to do whatever it is that makes you happy. But we don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself, or that you have to hide your feelings."

"Well I will work on that a little while I try out this spearmint."

"Experiment?"

"Yes. That."

"Okay buddy. If that's what you want to do then mama and I won't argue with you. But I want you to know that you can still come and talk to us just like you always have."

"Alright. I will keep that in mind."

He fell into silence and looked down at his hands while Colton and Avery returned to the room.

"Daddy, start movie?"

"Okay are you three ready for the adventures of Shadow, Chance, and Sassy?"

"Oh yes!" Avery squealed. "I Sassy."

"You are pretty sassy."

"Yep, that me. Ben, you be Chance? Him so, so silly."

Ben nodded and took a handful of popcorn, looking less forlorn than he had a few minutes ago, like he had accepted his decision and he was happy with it. There wasn't much talking him out of something when he made up his mind anyway.

"So Ben," Colton started carefully, clearing his throat. "I'd like to tell you that I enjoyed your show tonight. It made me think of when I was in kindergarten and we had a Christmas program. Remember when me and Isa got in a fight on the stage?"

"I don't remember. I was a little boy."

"Well it happened. And tonight it made me think of that. And I laughed to myself at how silly me and Isa were back then. So basically, I enjoyed the evening."

Ben cast a side-long glance at his brother, then shook his head.

"Glad you liked it."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know that."

"Thanks Cole."

Colton reached over and patted Ben's shoulder gently, shaking his head.

"Ben, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself for what happened. That show would have been boring without your dancing!"

Ben took a deep breath and started to say something, but thought better of it and shook his head.

"Okay Cole."

"Well I tried to make him feel better," Colton muttered, grabbing some popcorn. "Someone else's turn."

"My turn!" Avery shouted, turning to smile at Ben. "You done most good an' well. I have fun… um… Coley, what else?"

"How much you love him."

"Oh yeah! Ben, I love you most. Most than food, most than pink, most than play in mud!"

"Thanks for the support sissy."

"So welcome! Now be happy!"

He gave her a half grin.

"Sissy… I losed my pride and my girlfriend on the same night. I need to wallow."

"Okay Ben. I do that too."

She curled up next to him and rested her head on his shoulder, sighing every time he sighed and keeping quiet for the most part.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think this is really the end of the Ben as we know him?"

Lindsay sighed and shook her head, wondering the same thing.


	259. Chapter 259

Colton sat nervously on the wooden steps, swinging his legs back and forth and breathing deeply. His stomach felt very full and very empty at the same time and he began to rethink whether or not he wanted to go through with this. Isa was sitting next to him on the steps, not nearly as nervous, but quiet all the same. She bowed her head to look down at her hands, and her dark mess of hair spilled over her face, either hiding her from the outside world, or hiding the world from herself, no one was ever sure. Colton reached over and tugged on one of the curls gently and she lifted her head up, giving him a little half grin.

"You nervous Colt?"

He just nodded, lest his breakfast come back up.

"You'll do good. And I'll be right there with you, remember? And our moms are watching us, and Sarah and Junior and Ben are there too. And even Flack. Nothing to be nervous about."

She cleared her through and he chuckled to himself, knowing that talking about nerves was making her experience some big ones.

"Besides, we did this once before."

He nodded and she moved over a little, leaning her head on his shoulder. He would have given mostly anything to be sitting in the audience right now instead of waiting backstage to assist with a school assembly about safety. Last year he'd participated, only to tell the kids that knowing how to get away from a kidnapper was the best safety rule they could know, and that had made him nervous enough.

Today though, he and Isa would be demonstrating the techniques they'd learned in their self-defense classes in front of the whole school. Not just their class, but all the little kids, and the bigger ones too. Colton wasn't quite sure that he remembered everything, no matter how many times they'd practiced together and at home, employing an unlucky parent to play the role of kidnapper. It had been a big project that they'd both undertaken seriously and willingly, but one that neither of them wished they were qualified for.

"Just remember," Isa said after a moment, lifting her head and sliding her hand into his. "This isn't real. You already survived it one time. And you are the only person that can teach the rest of the kids how to be safe. Okay?"

He nodded and she gave his hand a little squeeze, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

"Ready?"

"I'm ready."

She stood up from the steps and they walked to the side of the stage together, feeling very important with their lapel microphones and their nice clothes. It was warm up on the stage and Colton peeked around the corner, surveying the audience. He spotted Lindsay and Austin standing in the back with a few other moms and dads and he smiled, giving them a little wave.

"Almost time for us. Want to do a team chant?"

Colton laughed, then clapped his free hand over his mouth. Isa was always able to make him feel better, even when she wasn't trying and at this moment, he realized he'd never been more grateful for that.

"I love you Sweet Thing."

"Love you too Colt."

The principal came up behind them and gave them each a gentle hug before ushering them onto the stage. They took deep breaths together, standing where they had practiced and both trying to ignore the fact that there were about two hundred sets of eyes on them.

"Today, Colton and Isa are going to show you kids some ways to fight back if someone tries to take you," one of the teachers was saying after introducing them and turning on their microphones.

Colton nodded and took another breath, closing his eyes for a split second to remember what he was supposed to say next.

"There are a lot of things that you can do to keep yourself safe if a stranger tries to take you. The first and best thing you can do is scream really, really loud, as loud as you can, and don't stop screaming. Isa is going to teach you the best screaming tricks."

"When you scream, you really need people to hear it, even if they're far away. What you want to do is fill your lungs really big with air, then think about being a gigantic bird flying over the city and screaming so everyone down below can hear you. So on the count of three, everyone is going to cover their ears and practice a loud scream. Ready? One, two, three!"

The entire gym filled with screaming for a few seconds, then died down, amid some giggles.

"The other thing you can do," Colton continued, feeling much more confident. "Is to yell that someone is trying to take you. You can scream and then yell your words and scream some more."

"Maybe you can't scream or yell because the person has their hand over your mouth. Now most of us would spit on the persons hand to gross him out, and you can try that, but what you want to concentrate on is getting away. This super tall guy over here is Detective Flack and he's also my uncle but today he is going to pretend to be a kidnapper."

"Sometimes a stranger might come at you from behind and you might get scared," Colton said as Flack and Isa slowly demonstrated. "They will grab you around your top, but that leaves your legs free. Use your legs to kick in the air as hard as you can, because it makes you hard to hold onto. Try to kick the stranger if you can, or stomp on their feet. Isa, go ahead and show them."

Isa gave a mischievous smile and mimed kicking Flack as he tried to hold onto her.

"This should cause the stranger to drop you. I said, this should cause the stranger to drop you. Ahem, Flack, I said-"

"Oh right, sorry buddy."

Isa giggled and dramatically tumbled to the floor and ran away.

"Remember to always fight as hard as you can, no matter what and don't stop fighting. Scream and kick and bite and do whatever it takes to get away."

"Remember to always walk with a buddy," Isa added, taking a deep breath. "A stranger is less likely to take you if you are with someone, and if there is someone there, they can help you fight. And if the stranger does take you, the person you were with can help the police out a lot."

She glanced over at Colton and he gave her a quick smile before forging ahead.

"If you do get taken don't stop trying to escape. Every chance you get. If they take you out in public, make huge messes and noises and get the attention of another grown up. Run if you can, fight when you can and make sure that person knows that you're more trouble than they thought. If this happens to you, it will be the scariest thing you will ever do, all your life. But don't forget that you can get away, don't ever, ever stop."

"Don't ever go up to a car without your mom or dad with you. Don't take anything from a stranger. Don't believe a stranger when they ask for your help. And always listen to your guts. If something makes you feel uncomfortable, don't do it. If a grown up is hurting you or making you feel uncomfortable, tell your mom and dad or a teacher."

"Make sure to talk to a grown up about all this if you have questions, and tell your friends about it so they can be safe too. Bad things can happen to anyone, but if you're prepared you will make it out okay."

* * *

"That was my big brother up there," Ben reported happily, to the small circle of kids around him. "Yep, my big brother. We share a room and everything."

"And the girl was my big sister Isa! Wasn't she good at fighting off the bad guy?" Junior added, pride radiating from his face. "And Colton and Isa know all those safety rules and so does my other sister Sarah, and they've been teaching me and Ben all about it."

"I could fight off any bad guy now," Ben said, casting his eyes down to the ground and feeling as if he was talking too much.

"Oh really? Think you could fight me off?"

Ben looked up and saw a tall first grader towering over him, a sneer on his face. He gulped and froze.

"Kid, I asked you a question."

"I don't fight," Ben whispered. "Defense is only for bad guys."

"So what would you do if I punched you?"

Ben stayed quiet, scratching his ear and unsure what he was supposed to do in this situation.

"I want to know. What would your whimpy brother tell you do to?"

"Cole isn't whimpy."

"You kindergarteners aren't even supposed to be at this recess."

"Yeah well we are 'cuz of the 'sembly!" Junior said, jumping to Ben's defense.

"Well I want to play here and you kids are in the way!"

The rest of their classmates had scattered and Ben and Junior stood alone, facing a kid that was probably only a couple inches taller, but looked like a giant.

"It's our playground too you big bully. Now leave me and Ben alone."

"I'll leave you alone. But not this Ben kid. He didn't answer my question. Now kid, why don't we find out what you would do if I punched you."

"How about not."

All three kids looked up to find Isa, her hands on her hips and her eyes narrowed.

"You're bigger and older than these two kids, and you had better not be trying to fight them. Do I need to go speak with a teacher?"

"You'd better not or I'll sock ya!"

"You won't sock me. You're a bully and bullies are cowards. Go find something else to do. Like maybe search for some manners."

With nothing left to say, the boy stalked off angrily, bursting right through a group of girls playing four square.

"You okay Junior?"

"Yep. He don't scare me none. I'm gonna go tell Sarah how you rescued us!"

Junior darted off and Ben gave a half smile while Isa slung her arm around his shoulders.

"You okay buddy?"

"Yeah."

"Don't worry. Nobody gangs up on my Ben."

"Isa, what do I do if someone punches me?"

She sighed and shook her head.

"I don't really know. Maybe you should ask Colt. He always has good advice for those situations. Come on, we'll go find him. He was playing basketball a minute ago."

She steered him across the playground to where Colton was standing against the building, waiting for his turn on the court.

"Hey Colt, Ben has somethin' to ask you."

"What's up Ben?"

"Um, Cole, what do I do if someone punches me?"

"Did someone punch you? Where are they? They are gonna wish they hadn't hit my little brother, that's for sure."

"No one hit him, Colt. It's just a question."

"Oh. Well, I guess you would just go away from them. I don't know. We'll ask daddy."

"Okay Cole."

"Wanna play basketball with us? We need another person and you're real good at dribbling."

"No thank you. I would like to watch. How about Isa could play?"

Isa looked up at Colton hopefully and he clicked his tongue a few times, scanning her from head to toe.

"Well, it's just boys playing," he started, tapping his chin. "But you are better than most of the kids. Yeah, okay you could play with us."

Isa whooped happily while Ben grinned and leaned against the building, sliding down the wall to sit on the cold asphalt. He was enjoying his decision to listen to people instead of talking all the time, and he'd learned a lot of things about his classmates that he never would have known if he didn't take the time to be quiet.

He watched Colton and Isa playing for a while, giggled when they got in an argument about the game and laughed outright when Colton was benched and Isa got to keep playing. Before long the bell was ringing and everyone was being herded inside to their classes.

"Hey Ben! Have a good day in class!" Isa called over the heads of some smaller students. Ben grinned and ran to her, hugging her tightly around the waist.

"Thanks for savin' me and Dunner."

"You're welcome. I'll see you later at family dinner."

He nodded and she quickly leaned down to kiss his cheek before joining her own class.

"Wow Binyin. Isa don't usually kiss no one."

"She feels bonded to me because she's my rescuer," Ben answered with a shrug. "We comed to a understandin' a while ago."

"I sure wish she'd hug and kiss me like that. But don't tell anyone!"

"Okay. Maybe I will hint to her?"

"Maybe. C'mon, let's go back to school."

* * *

"Averylin, how was your day in preschool?" Sarah asked conversationally while dishes were passed around the big table.

"Oh Sarah, it so fun! We paint with fingers! I make for daddy. Show you later. An' me and a girl is friends!"

"I am so glad you are making friends Averylin! It is always good to have very many of them."

"Yes. You my most best friend."

"And you are mine."

"I did play-doh. My teacher so nice! Mama come get me an' I not wanna go. I wanna cry. But teacher say see later. I feel better."

"That is good. Sometimes I don't want to leave school because I very much enjoy learning. What have you been learning about in your class?"

"I learn letters! Avery start with A!"

"Oh good job! Averylin, I think you are very smart. Do you know what Benjamin starts with? It comes after A."

"Um… apple?"

"Maybe you only learned A so far."

"Yep! An' numbers! One, two, three, four, five!"

"Oh Averylin, you are getting so grown up."

Avery smiled at the praise and adjusted her fork in her hand, trying to hold it in the ladylike way that Sarah did. She couldn't quite get it and her stomach was rumbling, so she held it the same way she usually did, and dug into her dinner.

"So then when we went music class Colt's class was waitin' to go in and my class was comin' out and all the kids were asking him questions about what happened. They weren't mean questions, but they were nosy."

"Yeah, kind of nosy. I just answered them real quick but I started to think about it all again and I was so happy when it was time to go to music class. I got to play the sand blocks today, and that made me feel better."

"But then during second recess," Isa started darkly, crossing her hands over her chest and making sure she had the attention of all four adults. "A kid came up to Colt and said that you can't get away from kidnappers because they kill you and everything he said to us was a lie."

Colton looked down at his plate for a moment, pushing a green bean around with his fork.

"What did you tell that kid?" Adam asked, reaching over to squeeze Colton's shoulder.

"I told him that you could get away. And I know because it happened to me. And then he just looked at me for a real long time and then said sorry and walked away."

"I went after the kid and told him that Colt is not a liar and the kid said okay and that he didn't know you could get away. Then he asked if maybe we could tell him the safety tips again. So we did! And he said he feels more powerful now. And that is how Colt and I became friends with a fourth grader!"

"Yep! He's actually a pretty nice guy. He was just um… misinformed."

"Yeah," Isa agreed with a nod. "Man, we've had a lot of strife on the playground today."

She glanced over at Ben and Junior who both gave her a smile.

"I hear the playground is a pretty tough place," Danny chuckled. "I'm glad you guys have figured out how to handle it so well."

"Me too. Did y'all ever have trouble on the playground?" she asked curiously, wiping her mouth.

"I'd better not hear you sayin' y'all ever again."

"But daddy, it's a habit I got from Indy!"

He just sighed and shook his head. His daughter adored Lindsay and occasionally would employ different tactics to be just like her. He was ashamed to admit that his born and bred city girl may have a little country side to her too.

"Now, as I was saying, did all y'all ever have trouble on the playground?" she asked again, grinning at Danny's wince.

"Your daddy used to pull my hair a lot," Austin offered. "But I have to admit that there were times when I was kind of a bully."

"What about you, aunt Lin?" Junior asked, very interested in this conversation. "Did you have trouble playin'?"

"Not really. I had three big brothers and people knew if they messed with me that they would have to answer to them."

"But?" Adam prompted, poking her arm.

"But once my brothers had moved on to other schools I was left to fend for myself. I was pretty short and I usually dressed myself so I looked kind of funny, and one day a mean girl on the playground decided to pick on me."

"What did you do mama, what did you do?" Ben asked anxiously, as if his heart was beating in his throat.

"I did something that I don't ever want any of you to ever, ever do."

"What is it Indy? Oh please tell us!"

"I punched her right in the nose."

"Wow!"

"I got into major trouble, I couldn't come back to school for three days and I had to write her a letter of apology."

"Wait a second," Isa started, shaking her head. "The girl was making fun of you, and you had to apologize to her?"

"Yeah."

"Did she have to apologize to you?"

"No. I think that part was forgotten in the confusion of everything else."

"Oh my goodness," Sarah sighed. "That is quite the story auntie. I can't believe you hit someone. You must have been very, very mad."

"I was. That's no excuse though, okay?"

"What about you daddy?" Colton asked curiously. "Did you ever get bullied on the playground?"

"A few times here and there, but I learned to stick with my friends and to not worry what mean people said or did. I had much more fun at recess when I figured that out."

"Yeah I bet so."

"So I guess that what we've learned here is that playground fights happen, but don't punch anyone in the nose," Isa surmised. "All agreed, troops?"

"All agreed!" they shouted back.

"Great! Now fall in and eat dinner!"

The kids all bolted down their food in record time, then asked to be excused and ran upstairs to play.

"Daddy and Dum, don't forget we're playing spies tonight, so hurry up!"

"There is no rest for the weary."

"The wicked, Daniel. You mean the wicked."

"No, weary is right too!"

"But you're more wicked than weary."

"Shut up."

Austin chuckled and gave his shoulder a little nudge while he finished his dinner.

"Alright Cupcake, duty calls."

"I think I might play the part of the dead body tonight."

"No way, it's my turn for that!"

"Nu-uh, you did it last time!"

"No, you did! It's my turn!"

"No it's mine!"

They kept arguing all the way up the stairs and Lindsay and Austin laughed as they listened to it.

"So really this family is eight kids and two adults."

"Basically. We are definitely the weary in this scenario."

"Weary have to do the dishes too don't they?"

"We'd better. And wipe down the table. These kids are slobs."

Austin grinned and they started to take dishes into the kitchen, but they kept getting in each other's way.

"Geez, what is with us tonight?"

"I have no idea. Maybe I should start rinsing and you can keep bringing."

"Okay. You're going to have fun with Avery's plate; she smashed all her meatballs under her fork. You might have to scrape."

"Awesome."

Lindsay chuckled and brought two more armfuls of dishes, then wiped down the table and the chairs and got out the broom to sweep the floor. She finished just as Austin was starting the dishwasher and after wiping down the counters and starting a pot of coffee, they headed into the other room and crashed onto the couches. Neither of them said anything for quite some time, they just lay there listening to the laughter from upstairs and enjoying the relative peace in the house.

"Despite the antics of their fathers, we've got some pretty mature kids, don't we?"

"Yeah. They surprise me a lot."

Two sets of feet came tromping down the stairs and Ben and Junior appeared with grins on their faces.

"What's up dudes?"

"We got tired of playin' spies. So Binyin said to me that we could go see what you ladies were doin'. Could we cuddle with ya?"

"Sure baby," Austin chuckled, opening her arms to him. He laughed and jumped onto the couch, curling into her side and giving her a smile while Ben climbed up with Lindsay, wiggling his loose tooth absentmindedly. He'd lost his two front ones already, and the two front bottom ones were getting close to coming out as well. Lindsay was wondering how he was going to eat with all four of his front teeth missing, but she was sure he would figure out a way to do it.

"So what are you ladies doin'?"

"We're just sitting here listening to you play upstairs."

"Well how come you didn't come up there and play too, ma?"

"I don't know. I think we were just too tired."

"Well that's too bad. It was fun 'til we got bored. Right Binyin?"

"Right. How was your day mama?"

"My day was pretty good. How about yours?"

"Mine was good too! Rosie smiled at me. Maybe she likes me again."

"Yeah Binyin. Because you are cute."

"I am?"

"That's what she said to the other girl Haley. She said you are cute because of your teeth bein' missin'."

Ben smiled and wiggled his loose tooth just a little harder.

"Hey ma, when am I gonna lose a tooth?"

"I don't know bub. Me and your dad were both late bloomers. You might have to wait a little."

"Okay. Maybe mine will all fall out at the same time!"

"How would you eat?"

"I would just have milkshakes."

"Daniel, you crack me up."

"Is that why you got cracks on your face? Those little ones by your eyes? And the one by your mouth you were complainin' to daddy about?"

Lindsay burst into laughter and Austin scowled, making the "cracks" even more pronounced.

"No honey those are wrinkles and I got them from dealing with your dad and aunt Lin."

"Oh," he said in wonderment as Lindsay continued to laugh.

"Linds shut up! Just because you've got skin like a baby's butt."

Ben and Junior hooted with hysterical laughter, clutching their sides.

"Mama's face looks like a butt!"

"Ben-"

"We gotta go tell the rest of the kids!"

The boys took off upstairs and Lindsay glared at Austin, who glared right back.

"I'm writing that one down."

"Me too."


	260. Chapter 260

"Why the two of you would jump in the river in the middle of January is beyond me, but to even further the ridiculousness you didn't even try to get dried off and warmed up before you questioned your suspect."

"You forgot to mention the part where we tackled him into the snow."

"That's it, I am banning the two of you from ever working together again."

"Can we still be friends? Because she's coming over."

"Good. It will give me a chance to lecture you both."

"Adam."

"Don't you think I won't," he grumbled as Austin walked in the front door.

"You guys got chicken soup? Danny's withholding it from me as punishment for being so stupid."

Adam just sighed and went back into the kitchen while Austin flopped onto the couch next to Lindsay and stole half of the blanket.

"At the risk of letting the guys be right we were really, really dumb."

"We were chasing a suspect Aust."

"I know that. Turns out he had an alibi. So the sore throats and fake sexy voices are actually not worth it at all."

Lindsay swore under her breath and took a sip of tea from the lukewarm mug, then handed it to Austin.

"What? It's not like we're both not at deaths door."

"Huh?"

"I didn't think I had to have proper sentence structure with you."

"Too many cough drops, I can't seem to recognize the gist."

"That's okay, I forgot what I was saying."

"This tea has no flavor."

"I know. But it's better than the hot water with honey that Adam tried to make me drink this morning."

"Was he trying to kill you?"

"I don't know."

Austin laughed, a kind of scratchy, growling laugh, then rubbed at her nose with her sleeve.

"Aust, there's tissues right there."

"Yeah I know. I hate tissues. They smell funny."

"You can't smell."

"But I know that they smell so even if I can't smell them I can imagine the smell."

"You're weird."

Austin nodded and curled up even more, resting her head on Lindsay's shoulder.

"I would never admit this to anyone else, but I really feel like crap."

"So do I."

"Where's Avery?"

"Playing in her room. Today she is an elephant and won't answer to anything but "Baby Elephant" and she started bawling because she can't pick things up with her nose."

"That girl is crazy."

"I adore her."

"Me too."

They settled into silence, watching the old episode of _The Golden Girls_ and giggling at the antics of the elderly women until Adam returned to the room with two bowls of soup.

"Aw, you're gonna take care of me too?" Austin asked with a smile.

"Yeah, I figure if you croak, this one's gonna be a whole lot harder to deal with. Plus I don't mind you that much."

"Thanks for your heartfelt words of love, Dum."

"Totally welcome."

He went upstairs to check on Avery while Lindsay grabbed the remote and flipped through the channels.

"How come there's nothing on?"

"Because you only watch MTV."

"I DO NOT!"

"Linds."

"I watch The History Channel too!"

"That's quite the diversity you've got there."

"You love me."

"Can't help it."

"Sometimes I think back to when we just met and I wonder if Fate was just laughing his butt off the entire time."

"Probably."

Lindsay stretched a little and stirred her soup, knowing scientifically that chicken soup really didn't help a cold, but that she needed to eat anyway.

"Have my carrots?" Austin asked, holding up a spoonful.

"Well…"

"You always do."

"Fine, dump them in, but you're eating my onions."

"Fair enough."

They spent a few minutes swapping vegetables before they were both happy, looking up to see that Adam and Avery had been watching them the entire time.

"Do you two understand nothing about germs?"

"Dum, we fell in the same river and caught the same cold. I don't think swapping vegetables is gonna hurt us."

"On the contrary, smarty pants," Adam started, causing Avery to laugh. "While you both may have fallen in the same river at the same time, that didn't give you the cold. You got colds because your bodies worked overtime trying to warm up, leaving your immune system weakened and more susceptible when you ran into cold germs in the air. You could both have different strains."

"Lin?"

"He's actually right."

"I hate when Adam's right."

"Me too Aust. Me too."

"Come on Averylin," Adam said with a sigh. "I'll make you lunch and tell you all about why you can't listen to mama and Austin too much, okay?"

"Okay daddy."

"He's turning your baby girl against you," Austin whispered.

"It's okay. She's really good at humoring him. I bet you as soon as she's done eating she'll come in here and give me a hug and say "mama I love you bestest." I'm not worried."

"And here I thought she was a daddy's girl."

"She's pretty equal. All the kids are actually."

Austin nodded and they turned back to the TV, finishing their soup quietly.

"There's no one in this world I would rather be sick with than you."

"Aw, thanks Aust."

"Plus, Danny is bad at taking care of me. He is terrified he's going to get it. He sleeps on the couch and Lysol's everything I touch and won't wash my dishes. You let me share your snot rag."

"We maybe should think about boundaries."

"Nah."

Lindsay chuckled and sniffed, leaning forward to set their bowls on the coffee table, then coughing a few times.

"I need sleep."

"Me too."

"I'm going to lay on this end of the couch if you want to lay on that end of the couch, and don't kick me."

"I would never think such a thought."

* * *

"Ug, I feel icky."

"I feel ickier."

"No I do."

"I do!"

"Daddy! Mama and Au'tin are fightin'! Come stop 'em!"

"Avery, too loud."

"Daddy's upstairs," Avery countered, popping another fruit snack into her mouth and changing the channel to a different cartoon. "Can't hear if I not scream."

"Oh Avery-Pants, you are your mama."

"No I not. I'm Avery. Silly Au'tin."

"Yeah, silly Austin."

"Your mama's silly for being friends with me then."

"That what you say all the times."

"You little lady, when did you grow your vocabulary so much?"

"This mornin'."

"Are those fruit snacks good?"

Avery wrinkled her nose and cast a long, slow look over her shoulder.

"Daddy gived 'em to me, Au'tin. Me."

"Well then…"

"Don't try and cross her when she has food. If you want some, you have to use sly techniques."

"Such as?"

"Avery, you're so pretty."

"Thank you mama. I know."

"How'd you get so pretty?"

"From you."

"Really? Well if you got it from me, do you think you might want to share your fruit snack?"

"Oh fine."

She stood up from the floor and walked over, handing the non-descript snack to Lindsay with a sigh.

"Enjoy."

"Thanks baby. Can I have a kiss too?"

"Nope. Germies."

"Oh. Save it for later?"

"Yes mama."

She sat back down while Austin shook with silent laughter, tears streaming down her face, half from amusement and half from the cold.

"If ever there was a child that was an absolute perfect, 50/50 blend of their parents, it would be this girl right here. How in the world?"

"We marvel occasionally too. Sometimes shudder in fright."

"Watching her gives me the same feeling as watching the two of you bicker years and years ago when you were just dating."

"What feeling is that?"

"Amusement, uncertaintly, bewilderment."

"You came up with the triple threat really fast."

"I've been hanging out with you guys for twelve years. It kind of comes naturally."

"Oh."

"You once argued about his penchant to put his feet on your coffee table and knock the magazines off and he said you should be ashamed that you wasted so much paper with magazines you never read and you said you were going to paper cut his eyeballs if he didn't quit putting his feet up, and then he pinched your butt and you turned red and didn't say anything else for a while."

"Wow. We're really odd."

"Who's odd?" Adam asked, coming down to see what Avery had been hollering about.

"You and me."

"I always suspected. How are you ladies doing? More soup? Water? One of those snot sucker things we used to use on the kids?"

"Ew!"

"Well, I'm not sure how your nasal passages are working! I'm trying to be helpful."

"Go get me some whiskey then."

"In your dreams, Messer."

"I should probably go home anyway. I feel better if I take showers at regular intervals."

"The rest of us feel better if you do too."

"Dum, you're lucky I'm too sick to retaliate."

"I'm sure. You gonna be okay walking home or do you want a ride? You want a ride right? Because you're not actually dumb and you don't actually want to walk home in the snow right?"

"Okay, take me home."

"Avery, stay here with mama. Make sure she doesn't get sicker okay?"

Avery nodded and climbed up onto the couch, patting Lindsay's head seriously.

"Oh mama, you get better."

"I'm sure I will if you take care of me."

"Yep, I can. You be happy, you see."

"Bye Lin, thanks for letting me crash for a while."

"You're welcome. Race you to feeling better."

"You're on."

* * *

"I'm real sorry daddy. Really, really sorry."

"Colton, you don't have anything to be sorry about."

"But daddy, I did so bad!"

Lindsay opened her eyes just slightly and found Adam and Colton sitting on the other couch, looking over some school work. Colton looked close to tears.

"Colton, you didn't do bad. Eighty percent is pretty darn good, especially when you struggled so much with this week's spelling words."

"It is?"

"Of course it is. I know you're used to getting better grades, but mama and I don't really care about the numbers. We know how hard you worked on it. Most of these words you only missed by one letter. That's not very much. You studied hard and your other school work didn't suffer. You didn't fail the test and you didn't give up. I'm very proud of you."

"Really daddy? You're not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Nope. In fact, I have a special place for this test."

"Where?"

"I'm going to hang it right on the fridge."

"But why? I didn't do good!"

"Maybe your grade isn't what you wanted, but I am putting this up here to remind you that hard work is what is important. You worked really hard Colton, and I'm proud of you."

Colton smiled widely and watched as Adam went into the kitchen and put the test on the fridge where a few other papers were displayed.

"Now, do you have your spelling words for this week?"

"Yes. Would you help me study?"

"Absolutely. After dinner we'll send Ben and Avery upstairs and we'll study together for a while."

"Really daddy? Thank you so much! I really need help."

"We'll get through it together. I'll see if I can find some study tips that might help."

"Thanks daddy! I'm going to go tell Ben that he doesn't have to be worried about me getting punished anymore!"

He ran upstairs and Lindsay grinned, opening her eyes all the way.

"You win every parenting award ever."

"Nah."

"Yes you do, Adam."

"Okay. You hungry?"

"Not really."

"Are you sure? You slept for a couple hours."

"I'm fine."

"Feelin' any better?"

"Not really. Headache's gone but I feel like my fever is worse."

"You're less stuffy but more sniffly."

"Six of one, half dozen of the other."

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead, brushing her tangled hair back as he did.

"I feel bad," Ben announced, standing in the doorway with his shoulders dropped.

"What kind of bad Ben Ry?"

"My neck hurts, daddy. When I speak. And my nose feels full of boogers."

"You mean your throat hurts?"

"Yeah that."

"Sounds like you've got what mama's got."

"So could I finally cuddle with her now?" he asked, arching an eyebrow and looking a little happier.

"Sure honey. Come here."

He grinned and ran to the couch, jumping up with her and snuggling under the blanket she had. She felt his forehead, finding it a little warm and he smiled.

"Can we watch a movie together?"

"Sure sweetie. What do you want to watch?"

He was quiet for a minute as he thought.

"How 'bout _Twister_? You like that movie and I think it's excitin'."

"Sounds good. Adam, can you put it on for us? We're so very, very sick."

Adam chuckled and found the movie, trying to remember which input the VCR was on since they only had the movie in VHS format. Lindsay had watched it so many times that it was kind of crackly in spots, but she refused to get a new copy.

"What are Colton and Avery doing?"

"Cole's doin' his math. Sissy's playin' kitchen. Said she wants dinner."

"I'd better get started cooking something then. Are you hungry for dinner Ben?"

"I'd like a ham sandwich."

"I think I could do that without messing up. What about you babe?"

"I'll take a ham sandwich too."

"Okay. Enjoy your movie, I'll be back in a bit."

"Hey mama?"

"Yeah?"

"Could ya rub my arms? I like when you do that."

"Sure honey."

He snuggled closer to her and gave a gentle cough as the movie started up.

"Mama, would that ever happen to daddy? Gettin' taked by a twister?"

"No, we don't get those here."

"Oh good. I'd be anxious about it."

She smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Oh no!" Avery wailed, her hands on her hips. "I want snuggle mama!"

"You can't, sissy. You'd get sick. I am sick so it's okay."

She let out a whine and stomped her foot against the floor, a sure sign of a coming tantrum.

"Avery."

"I wanna snuggle mama. Daddy say no 'cuz sick! I want my mama!"

"Sissy, you are just hungry."

She continued to cry until Adam came out of the kitchen and picked her up.

"What's wrong honey?"

"Want mama! I hungry!"

"Do you want a ham sandwich too?"

"Yes!"

He smiled and took plates to Lindsay and Ben, then picked Avery up and hugged her.

"C'mon sweetie, I'll get you some dinner and you'll feel better."

"An' snugglin'?"

"Sure."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his shoulder while she calmed down.

"I know how she feels," Ben said with a little sigh, peeling the crust off his sandwich. "I'd be real upset if I couldn't snuggle with you."

"Yeah, me too."

"Mama, I been learnin' somethin'."

"What have you been learning baby?"

"That all the questions I got, they got answers. I never done listenin' before."

"Really?"

"Yeah. And all the stuffs that I feel like I gotta say, I don't feel like I gotta say it anymore. Sometimes I can have my own thoughts and not share."

"Sometimes it's nice to do that. But you don't have to stay quiet all the time."

"'Member how Isa always said I talked too much? Well guess what? Now that I don't talk so much, me and Isa have discussions about things more! She's teached me some stuff about being tough if I get picked on. Now me and her is good friends because we talk to each other the same, 'stead of me talkin' and her gettin' annoyed. She says hi to me on the playground now, and tells me when she's havin' a bad day. We're buddies."

"I'm very glad honey. It made me sad that you two didn't get along so great for a while."

"Yeah. I really like Isa, she's very smart. And I know why she gotted frustrated with me sometimes. So I won't dominate the conversation now and we will both be happy."

"I'm glad, buddy. I kind of miss how much you talked but I think that as long as you're happy with your decision then I am happy for you."

"Well maybe I will still talk to you a lot. And tell you every think that I think."

"I would love that."

"Okay, then I will tell you somethin' what I'm thinking. I'm thinkin' that I really wanna pick the boogers out of my nose but that is not polite so where is a tissue?"

She chuckled and found a tissue for him, grateful when he got up to go into the bathroom to take care of his problem.

"Oh yuck!" he shouted. "That's nasty."

She chuckled and shook her head. Maybe he was deciding to be a little more low-key, but her Benjamin was still there.

* * *

"So could I have a cup of coffee, daddy?" Colton asked hopefully with a big grin.

"You wouldn't like it."

"Yes I would. You're havin' a cup of coffee while we study and I would like one too."

"Okay, let me make you some."

Colton smiled and went back to his list of spelling words, sounding them out and reading the provided sentence so he could come up with a definition.

"Okay, here's some coffee for you, but don't tell mama that I gave you instant decaf or she'll make fun of me for even having it in the house."

"Thanks daddy. I think I have got the first five words pretty good. Want to test me? I'll write them down and you can check them, just like a test."

"Okay. Your first word is circumstance."

Colton thought for a moment, his lips moving as he sounded out the word, then he wrote it feverishly on his paper, as if he didn't want to forget it.

"Next!"

"Your second word is understandable."

"Oh that's an easy one as long as I can remember the suffix. That's the ending. It looks weird if it ends with i-b-l-e so it must be a-b-l-e. There. Next!"

"Your third word is government."

"Oh yeah there's another letter in there that you don't hear when you say it. But I remember what you said, that the government governs over the people, so the word govern is in there. I got it daddy, I got it! Next word!"

"Disguise."

"I'm touch and go with this one," he said softly, staring down at his page. It took him a minute or two but he finally wrote the word out, reading it a few times until he was satisfied that it was correct.

"Okay buddy, your last word is observable."

"Oh, this is another one with a suffix."

He wrote the word out once, sounded it out, then erased his mistake and wrote it again.

"Okay daddy, it's ready for you to grade."

Adam smiled and took the paper from him while he drank his coffee, feeling very old and important.

"Alright buddy, you only missed one."

"Disguise was the word, huh?"

"Yep. Let me teach you a trick for remembering."

"Okay! Your tricks help me."

"First we're going to look at the hard part of the word. Guise. Do you know what that word means?"

"Nope."

"A guise is your appearance. The word sounds like g-u-y-s doesn't it?"

"Yeah, that's how I get confused."

"This word is out to trick you, just like a disguise."

"So it looks weird! It looks like it should say dis-goose! So if I remember that the word disguise is an actual disguise then I will remember to write it so it looks like it should say dis-goose!"

"That's right."

"I get it now! I won't ever forget this one. Thanks daddy!"

"Should we do five more words tonight and work on the rest of the list tomorrow?"

"You'd help me tomorrow too?"

"Of course I would. I know how much you want to do well, and I like helping you to learn things. Maybe if mama's feeling better I will take you to the coffee shop in the morning where we won't have distractions in the form of Ben and Avery."

"You'd really do that for me, daddy?"

"Absolutely."

"You really are the best daddy, just like mama says."

"I really try to be."

Colton smiled and they set to work on the next chunk of words, talking about what they meant and how to remember their spellings. There were a few words that were difficult, but Colton came up with some tricks on his own and felt even more confident with this set of five words than he had with the previous ones. He was very happy by the time they finished, having had Adam test him on the words all three times and not missing any.

"You know, mama always helps me with my work," he said, gathering up his papers. "And she's real good at it. But I like the way you do spelling better."

"Well maybe mama and I are going to get to take turns helping you."

"Maybe! It's good that I am good at math though, because mama says she hates it."

"Yeah she does. I'm not a big fan either."

"Mama's good at helping me with book reports and with science stuff. And you are good at doing spelling with me and teaching me stuff that isn't school stuff. Some kids don't have parents that help them much."

"We will always be here to help you learn buddy. All you have to do is ask."

"Thanks daddy. I'd better go to bed so we can study in the morning."

"Alright. Go to sleep and retain some of that information."

"Retain was on last weeks words! R-e-t-a-i-n!"

"See buddy, you're in better shape than you think."

"Goodnight daddy. Love you."

"I love you too son."


	261. Chapter 261

The dishes were clean and put away, the laundry had been folded and put in its designated bedrooms, the trash was taken out, and there were premade meals in the fridge, along with cooking instructions. Everything was in order for her to leave for four days, but Lindsay couldn't help but feel that Adam and the boys weren't going to be okay without her. She'd checked over things a few times and reminded herself that she'd left them before and for a lot longer and there was no reason for her to be worrying. Adam wasn't totally incapable, she probably didn't even need to prepare anything, but as a mom and wife, there was always a little guilt involved when she left, even if it was just to go to work.

"Avery, do you want to go with me to take the boys to school so mama can finish packing?"

"Yes, I go. But… mama help?"

"No honey, you can go with daddy."

"Okay!" Avery said happily, grabbing her coat off the hook while Ben and Colton tied their shoes.

"How many sleeps will you be gone?" Ben asked, standing up and brushing breakfast crumbs off his shirt.

"Four sleeps. But we'll call you every night."

"I'd sure like to have a weekend getaway with just mama," he whispered, shaking his head. Lindsay smirked and drew him into a hug.

"Not this time baby, but maybe some time."

"Okay. Hug me more a'fore we part."

"I'm going to miss you so, so much. Be good and helpful for daddy, okay?"

"I will."

"I love you."

"Love you too mama."

He stepped away and Colton took his place, hugging her for a long time before he said anything.

"Will you make sure to tell Taylor that we love her a lot and miss her?"

"I'll tell her."

"And I can't wait to go and see her in the summer. When she has the baby."

"Okay."

"I'll miss you mama. And Aves too but mostly you."

"I'll miss you too. You call me if you want to talk."

"I will."

He leaned up and kissed her cheek, then turned away to hide the tear that had sprung to his eye. He really didn't want her to leave.

"Okay boys let's go to school," Adam said, herding them all out the door and into the car.

"Daddy, what are we going to do while mama and sissy is in Montana?" Ben asked softly as they started down the road. "Are we gonna be stinky boys?"

"You mean eat stinky food?"

"Yeah that!"

"Sure, we could do that."

"I want eat stinky food!" Avery grumped.

"It's okay, I'm sure mama will give you a buffalo burger to make up for it."

"Oh. Avery love burgers."

Colton snorted a laugh and Avery shot him a look, wondering why he was laughing at her.

"What so funny?"

"Nothin' Aves."

"Cole's laughin' for it sounded like you said boogers."

"Oh yuck! Yuck! I not like that!"

She crossed her arms over her chest while the boys chuckled.

"We know you don't Aves. It was just funny. Besides, you used to."

"Nu-uh!"

"Yeah, you used to pick your nose and-"

"Colton, leave your sister alone."

"Yeah Coley. Leave alone."

He chuckled and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"I hope you have fun in Montana, Aves. It's a great place. But we'll miss you and your silliness."

"It okay, I be home. You boys don't go my room."

"Don't worry sissy. There ain't nothin' in there what we like."

Avery nodded in satisfaction and looked out the window while the boys chattered about what they were going to do during their weekend without girls. She didn't pay much attention to them, she was daydreaming about flying on an airplane and going on a big-girl trip with just her mama. It wasn't something the boys got to do, and even Isa and Sarah had never gotten to do anything like this. She was very excited to be growing up, especially if it meant she got to do special things.

"Here Aves, let me undo your buckle so you can get out of the car and hug us goodbye."

"Oh thanks Coley."

They all got out of the car and Avery held her brother's hands as they walked in the front doors of the school. She wondered briefly if she was grown up enough yet to go to school, but when she saw the size of all the other kids, she decided that she could wait a little more.

"Aves I gotta get to my classroom, but I want you to know that I love you and I'll miss you a bunch."

"Love you Coley," she replied as he knelt down to hug her. "We talk on the computer."

"Yeah we will. Be good for mama."

"I do."

He gave her one last kiss then took off down the hall towards his class.

"Well sissy I hope you have fun. An' tell me all 'bout it when you get back?"

"Oh yes Ben!"

"Gimme a tight hug, since I won't get one for a lot of days."

"Okay."

She wrapped her arms around him and held on as tight as she could, then tried to lift him off the floor.

"Daddy! Sissy's the Hulk! She lifted me!"

Adam laughed and watched as the kids continued to hug each other for a little while.

"Okay, it's time for us to go."

"Bye sissy, I love you so much."

"Love you so much Ben! See you later!"

She took Adam's hand and they went back to the car just as a light rain started to fall.

"I'm going to miss you a lot when you're gone," Adam said softly, glancing in the rearview mirror as they drove.

"I miss you daddy. Me an' mama have most fun."

"I'm sure you will. She's very excited to show you where she lived as a little girl. I think you'll like it there. Don't tell mama, but I really like Montana."

"Okay. Mama say it beautiful! An' I ride a horse. An' she say papa go milk cows. I go too!"

"You're just like your mama honey."

"Yep! I get to see auntie Tater! Not on the 'puter. Ben say in real life!"

"I'm sure she'll be very happy to see you again. The last time we saw her you were just a little girl."

"Yeah, I big now. Hey daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"You um… you proud of me? Like Coley?"

"Of course I'm proud of you honey. You've done such a good job being a big girl and not whining and you're learning so much in pre-school too. You make me proud every day. Do you know what that means?"

"Nope but it good."

He chuckled and shook his head. This was going to be a long weekend without his girls.

* * *

"Mama, what that?"

"Those are metal detectors. We get to walk through them and they'll do an X-ray on us to see if we're taking anything on the plane that we shouldn't be."

"It hurt?"

"Nope, you just get to walk right through like a big girl."

"Oh."

"Let's take your shoes off and put them in the basket."

"It okay mama, I do."

Lindsay let her down to the floor and she took her shoes off, placing them in the plastic bin where Lindsay's were already sitting.

"Okay sweetie, it's your turn to walk through. Go ahead."

Taking a deep breath, Avery walked through the detector just as she had seen everyone else do. She closed her eyes and felt like she'd made it when there was a loud beeping.

"Oh no!" she yelled, covering her ears and crumpling to the floor.

"Mom, you want to come on through?" the guard asked, laughing a little. Lindsay did so, reaching Avery and pulling her to her feet.

"Mama that scary! You not tell me!"

"Well I didn't think you would beep honey."

"Kiddo I need to check and see why you beeped. Can I use my special wand to find out?"

Avery sniffled and looked up at the older lady, tipping her head to the side in question.

"Wand? You Hermione?"

"Well no, but that is the best thing I have ever been called. Now if this finds metal it's going to beep again, just not very loud this time. Is that okay?"

"Okay. Warnin' is good."

Lindsay suppressed a laugh as the guard ran the wand up and down until it beeped at Avery's feet.

"Are you carrying something in your socks?"

"Yep!" Avery declared, reaching down and pulling them off, letting a few dollars in change clatter to the floor. "Ben say to keep safe."

"Oh honey," Lindsay laughed, picking up the change and making sure there was none left in the sock. "Do you want me to keep it safe for you?"

"Yes mama. We go now?"

"Yeah, let's get our shoes back on."

In a few minutes they were headed to their gate, Avery skipping along happily, despite being scared out of her wits just moments ago.

"Baby, I need you to stay close to me okay?"

"Okay mama! So much to see!"

"I know. Let's find our gate and then we can have lunch."

"Oh good. I so hungry. I like cheese sandwich."

"I think we can finagle that. Actually, it looks like there's a place to eat right by our gate."

"Ooh, how nice!"

Lindsay checked the time and found they had almost an hour until boarding, and lunch would work like a charm to distract Avery for that long.

They found a table in the restaurant section of the pub and Avery looked delighted when she was given a real menu.

"Okay sweetie, you want a grilled cheese sandwich?"

"Yes mama. What you will have?"

"Oh I'm not sure."

"Daddy not here. You not gotta share."

"Oh, that's right. I should get something that he wouldn't even like."

Avery giggled and shook her head, reaching for the water glass carefully. She wrinkled her nose at the lemon in it, but put the glass in her lap and used the straw to drink almost half of the water.

"Brr, that cold."

"Yeah I bet it is when you drink so much of it."

"Mama, this 'cation be so fun! Daddy say he like Montana, but not tell you. An' the boys tell me it fun. I wanna see granna most. We ride horse today?"

"I don't think we'll get there in time to go today, but maybe tomorrow afternoon. We'll have to talk to papa and see."

"My papa your daddy?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Okay. And granna your mama."

"Yes."

"Mama, I play with your toys?"

"I don't know if granna has many of my old toys. We'll see. You and I are going to sleep in the bedroom that was mine when I was a little girl."

"We is? Oh yay! That be fun. I so happy we goin'. Just me an' mama."

"I'm happy too. I like to spend time with just my girl sometimes."

"I special," Avery confirmed with a little nod.

"Yes you are honey."

They ordered their lunches and then sat quietly for a while, watching all the people around them. Avery played with her lunch while it cooled, then dug in as if she hadn't seen food in a great while. It was getting close to her nap time but she didn't seem to need one today and Lindsay didn't want her to miss her very first ride in a plane, so she didn't mention taking a rest.

"So mama?" Avery started, once they'd finished eating and paid the bill.

"Yes Averylin?"

"When we can call the boys?"

"Later tonight. They're not home from school just yet."

"Oh. I miss 'em."

"I'm glad you love your brothers so much," Lindsay said, swinging Avery into her arms and trying to juggle their carry-on bags while waiting in line to board the plane.

"Yes, they love me too. We is friends."

"Good."

"Oh no! Mama, I not say bye to Sarah! Oh dear, oh dear!"

"It's okay honey. I told her that we would call her tonight," Lindsay lied, hoping she wasn't going to have to deal with a meltdown all on her own in public. "She said that was okay."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure honey. We'll call her when we get to Denver, when we're waiting for our next plane. How's that?"

"That perfect mama. Sarah gonna miss me."

"I know she will. Are you ready to get on the plane?"

"Oh yes!"

"Alright. Let's give the nice man our tickets."

Avery handed the two pieces of paper over happily, then beamed when they were scanned and she got them back.

"Bye man! We go on 'cation!"

He chuckled as they started down the ramp to the plane, along with so many people, Lindsay wondered if there would be seats for everyone.

"Mama, it crowded," Avery whispered as they looked for their seat.

"I know. Almost there."

The finally found their window seat near the back of the plane and Lindsay stowed their bags in the overhead compartment before taking a seat and pulling Avery into her lap.

"Mama, Danny tell me we get snacks and drinks."

"We will. We have to wait until the airplane takes off and is in the air for a little while and then we can have something."

"Okay. I get sit on your lap?"

"Yep, you have to be a good girl and sit in my lap the whole time, okay?"

"Okay mama. I snuggle you."

"Sounds good to me. Should we get your blanket so you can be cozy?"

"No, you hug me good."

Lindsay chuckled and they got comfortable in their seats as the attendants ran through the safety rules. Avery sighed a few times, shaking her head, obviously bored. All the talk was doing for Lindsay was reminding her of the horrible dream she'd had the night before of the plane going down over an ocean somewhere, and losing Avery in the middle of the water. She hadn't slept very much after that.

"Mama, we movin'!" Avery said suddenly, looking out the window and clapping her hands. "Here we go!"

"Sweetie, please use a small voice."

"Okay mama. Look how fast the plane drivin'!"

"Yep, it's going to go a lot faster in a minute. Sit back please."

"Ben say it "taxi down the runway, pickin' up speed!""

"Get ready for liftoff!"

Avery giggled as the wheels left the ground and they rose into the sky, higher and higher.

"Mama lookit! It so little down there! Looks like toys!"

"It does. Isn't that neat?"

"Yes, so neat. Mama, this great fun."

* * *

Avery slept through most of the first flight and all of the second, waking up when they switched planes again in Boise. This flight was crowded as well, but only because it was a little puddle-jumper. Avery cried softly through the entire flight because the cabin wasn't pressurized just right and her ears were hurting because of it. Lindsay gave her some gum to try and pop her ears but nothing seemed to work so she just had to suffer for an hour.

By the time they arrived at Gallatin Field they were both cranky and tired, through no fault of anyone's and much in need of food and sleep. Avery refused to walk on her own as they made their way across the tarmac in the wind and rain, into the airport to get their luggage.

"Sweetie, I have to put you down so we can get our bags."

"No mama!"

"Avery, we agreed that on this trip you would act like a big girl and I need you to do that right now."

Avery sniffled but nodded her head and resolved herself to make good on her promise to act like a lady. She remembered the conversation well, sitting with mama and daddy and hearing about how she was such a good girl and she would need to be one on vacation too, and how she needed to think about things before she did them. She knew that mama and daddy would always love her no matter what, but that just made her want to be a good girl even more.

"Mama, I help. I carry somethin'?"

"Sure sweetie. Why don't you put your backpack on? Papa will be here soon to pick us up and then he can carry our stuff and I can carry you. Is that a deal?"

"Yes mama. I like that."

"Good. Do you see your carseat coming around?"

"Oh yes!" Avery squealed as Lindsay reached over to pull the carseat off the luggage carousel. "Oh no mama."

"What's the matter?"

"My Cheetos is gone," she explained. "They in the chair."

"You stuff Cheetos into your carseat?"

"Yes. The airplane eated them."

"Averylin, you are the funniest child I have ever met."

"Thanks mama."

"Look, there's papa. Want to go say hi?"

"No, I shy today."

Lindsay laughed as her dad walked over and wrapped her in a hug, kissing the top of her head and making her feel like she was Avery's age again.

"Hi daddy."

"Hey little girl. I've been missin' you."

"I miss you too. How you been keepin'?"

"Oh you know."

She nodded understandingly; he'd always been a man of few words.

"And how are you doin' there, Sparkles?"

Avery giggled and shook her head.

"Papa call me Sparkles. So silly huh mama?"

"Papa likes to give nicknames."

"Yep. Papa carry stuff, mama carry me?"

"Okay."

"Her majesty has spoken," Dale laughed, picking up their suitcase and the carseat. "Your mom has dinner on the table if you two are hungry."

"I'm starving but Avery's been snacking in between cat naps so she might not want anything."

"Mama, I hungry! I want a slice o'Rays!"

Lindsay laughed.

"Did Danny teach you to say that?"

"Yes he do. He say "Mimo, this 'portant. Always want Rays." Mama, what is Rays?"

"It's the pizza Austin and Danny always get."

"Oh yes, I want Rays."

"You've been growing that kid in the city too long."

"I know, and now it's permanent and we can't fix it."

"That's okay, I've got a long weekend to change her."

They made their way out to the parking lot and put everything in the bed of the truck except for Avery's carseat which was the source of a bit of swearing as they tried to secure it in the cab.

"Mama, those words is bad."

"I know baby, I'm sorry."

"We not say hell."

"I know."

"Or damn. 'Cept Au'tin say it."

"Yeah well I shouldn't have said it. At least not in front of you."

"Okay mama. We go now an' see my granna?"

"Yes, we're going now."

"Oh, I call daddy? Phone please."

Lindsay dialed the number and surrendered the phone, then kicked her feet up on the dashboard and watched the small town roll by the window.

"So how are you doin' honey? Haven't seen you in three years."

"We've talked almost every day… or at least every week."

"Life gets busy."

"Yes it does."

"Are you happy?"

"Of course I am," she answered, wondering where this line of questioning was going.

"Are you as happy as Adam promised me he would make you?"

"Yes I am. Even more. Why?"

He was quiet for a little while, turning onto the backroads and clicking his highbeams on.

"I was just wondering if coming home for a few days was really just to see Taylor or if there was something at home you needed to take a breather from."

"No, not at all. We're really happy, daddy. I promise. Don't you see this sparkle in my eye?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Are you asking because I'm the same age mom was when…"

"Maybe."

"Daddy, that won't happen to me. It's totally different circumstances and… it just won't happen, okay? I have no desire to be anywhere but with Adam and the kids."

"If you ever needed to come home though…"

"I know."

He smiled and reached over to pat her knee, then cleared his throat as if to dismiss the conversation.

"An' daddy, me an' mama haved peanuts an' juice! I say the boys not have a delicious snack… yep, I win… oh yes daddy, I love you so, so most! I see you in couple days… bye daddy!"

She clicked the phone off and handed it back to Lindsay with a smile.

"Daddy love me an' miss me. I a special girl."

"Yes you are."

"We there yet papa?"

"Almost. Are you ready to see where your mama grew up?"

"Oh yes! I been wishin'. Au'tin say she come with mama when I in mama's belly."

"That's right. I think that's the last time your mama was here."

"That so many ago. Mama, we come to Montana more."

"We'll have to see. We never go to Arizona anymore either."

"It hot there. Daddy say borin' too."

"Maybe a little."

"Oh! Look at the big house! This your home papa?"

"Yes it is."

"That a barn! There's aminals in there?"

"Yep. We'll go visit them in the morning."

"What's that there? Mama, in the tree?"

"That's a tire swing. I'll take you on it later."

"Oh goodness. A tractor!"

She clapped her hands excitedly as if she'd been taken to Disneyland.

"Oh mama, this 'cation most great!"

"I think so too," Lindsay laughed as her dad stopped the truck in front of the house. There was something about planting her feet on the dirt driveway that made her want to peel her shoes off and go running but Avery was squirming and fussing to be let out of her seat, so for the time being, she was going to have to put that to the side.

"It smell beau'ful here!" Avery exclaimed, taking a deep breath. "What's that?"

"That's a mountain honey."

"Oh goodness! So big! What's that?"

"That's a field."

"I wanna play in it!"

"Tomorrow. Let's go inside and get something to eat and see granna okay?"

"Okay but what is this?"

"That's a water pump for the sprinklers."

"So much new things!"

"C'mon inside, let's go see granna."

Avery skipped up the porch steps and they went into the house together, smelling that dinner was most certainly ready and there was fresh bread to go with it.

"Mom?"

Oh honey, I didn't hear you guys pull up," Anne said, coming out of the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron. "I thought you'd still be a little while."

"Yeah, well you know how daddy drives."

"Granna, I Avery! Hug me too!"

"Oh child, do you know who you remind me of?" Anne asked leaning down to pick her up.

"Yes. My mama. All people say."

"Well you should be proud of that."

"Yep, I is. Um, we have food? I so hungry."

"Sure sweetheart. Do you like pot roast?"

"Um, I dunno. Mama, I like pot roast?"

"Of course you do. You like everything."

"Oh! Yes granna, I like it. I so happy we here."


	262. Chapter 262

A/N: I love how Avery uses the word most.  
Also, you may have seen that I started a whole brand new story. This one is still my first priority, the other one is just when I get writers block with this one.

* * *

"Hello mama. Hello! Wake you up!"

"No sweetie. Back to sleep."

"Mama, there so much to do! Much to see! Food to eat! Oh mama, up, up!"

Lindsay groaned and rolled over, finding the sky that special shade of dawn blue that only happened in the spring before the sun came up. Avery bounced around on the bed, her curly hair sticking up in every direction and her nightgown hanging off her shoulder. She'd started the evening out in the other twin bed but had soon cried and insisted that she sleep right next to her mama. It wasn't the most comfortable night for either of them, but Lindsay didn't mind sacrificing a little sleep to make her daughter happy. Of course, at the moment she was rethinking that.

"Baby, can you go back to sleep for a little bit?"

"Nope! I seen papa outside! He go in the barn. Please let's wake up!"

"Okay we'll wake up. Can you get yourself dressed while I take a shower?"

"Sure mama!"

"Okay. Don't get into anything. Just wait for me to get back."

Avery nodded and Lindsay found herself an outfit, then went downstairs for a quick shower. Avery looked through the clothes in the suitcase and pulled out a pair of jeans and a shirt and put them on. She wandered around the bedroom for a while, remembering that it had been mama's room when she was little. There weren't any toys in it, but that was okay. She walked over to the closet and opened it, finding a few old coats and a big cardboard box. She looked around to make sure no one was watching, then she pulled the box out of the closet, carefully opening the flaps and peering inside.

"Oh wow," she whispered finding the box full of all sorts of stuff. There was a teacup with horses on it that she admired for a moment before setting it carefully aside. Next she found a cowboy hat that was just her size and after examining it for a moment, she plunked it down on her head. Underneath that there were several ribbons and medals that she ooh'ed and ahh'ed over before placing them in her lap. There were some more little trinkets and keepsakes in the box, but what Avery got the most excited about was a baby doll wearing a gingham dress, whose eyes opened and closed. She pulled it out of the box and held it tightly to her chest, rocking it back and forth happily. She didn't have a baby doll at home that she liked very much. None of them were very cuddly and she had a hard time dressing them and they were plastic and cold. This doll only had plastic arms and legs, but a soft body and a kind face and she couldn't imagine putting the doll back into the box.

"Averylin, I told you not to get into anything."

"Box open, mama."

"Well I mean… honey what did you find?"

"This baby! She precious!"

"That was my very first baby doll. Her name is Aurora, like the Sleeping Beauty princess."

"Aurora," Avery said with a nod.

"I got her when I was two years old and I took her everywhere with me until I was about ten."

"Everywhere?"

"Well not to school or church, but she was with me when I was home."

"Why she not live at our house?"

"I didn't have room to take her with me when I moved to New York and I didn't want her to get lost, so I left her in the attic. Granna moved all my stuff back into my room after Taylor married Josh and moved out of the house."

"Mama, the baby Aurora come and live with us now?"

"Sure. Would you like her to live in your room?"

"Oh yes! She be my friend. I take care, like Sarah do with her dollies. Aurora, I Avery. We be friends."

"I think she's very happy about that," Lindsay said softly reaching over to touch the doll's dress. She'd always planned on giving this doll to her little girl someday, but last time she was in Montana she'd been certain she was having a boy, so the doll had slipped her mind.

"Mama, why baby Aurora's hand so rough?"

"Because I used to chew on her fingers when I was scared or nervous."

"Oh mama, that so mean!"

"I know. I wish I didn't do it, but it doesn't look so bad does it?"

"No. Aurora's so pretty. You like the hat?"

"It looks very good on you. Should we take that home with us too?"

"Okay! It time go see Tater now?"

"No, not for a few hours. Why don't we go and see papa outside?"

"Okay! I bring the hat and Aurora."

"Alright."

They made their way downstairs into the quiet house and Avery giggled as if they were tip-toeing into a place where they shouldn't be.

"Where granna?"

"She's probably getting ready to come and make breakfast. Let's go outside and help papa."

Avery skipped along happily and Lindsay grinned. She'd never seen Avery so happy for such a long time. It seemed like it had been months since they'd had a consistently good day with her. There was always something that happened that made her upset or something they had to discipline her for and it was disheartening because it had never been like this with the boys. Preschool had helped some with the misbehavior, but there was no breaking her of her penchant for making mountains out of molehills.

"Mornin' papa! What'cha doin'?"

"I'm milkin' the cows. Want to help me?"

"I don't know. It yucky?"

"No, it's not yucky. Your mama used to help me all the time. Come here, I'll show you."

She took his hand and followed him across the barn while Lindsay stayed near the door and reached out to pet the cow closest to her.

"Mornin' Ladybird. How are you doin'?"

The cow gave a little nod and continued to chew her cud while Lindsay swatted a fly away. Ladybird was getting close to twenty years old and it probably wouldn't be much longer before she was gone, but she was doing her best to remain queen of the barn.

"Mama! See me!"

"Did you milk a cow, baby?"

"Yes! I want tell the boys! They be so 'cited for me!"

"We can call in a little while. Should we help papa gather eggs?"

"Eggs? Eggs from the store."

"Well before they're from the store, they're from chickens."

"Oh! Let's go! We get eggs from chickens!"

She followed her grandpa out of the barn and across the dirt path to the henhouse. All the chickens were inside, but one of the roosters was out, pecking the ground and eyeing her warily.

"Hi Mr. Chicken!" she greeted, waving a chubby hand at him. "I Avery. I here to take your eggs!"

"Sweetie, don't yell so loud-"

"Ahh! Mama!" Avery tore out of the enclosure with the rooster hot on her heels, flapping its wings and squawking. "Save me!"

Laughing, Lindsay picked Avery up and shooed the rooster away.

"Maybe farm life isn't for you after all."

"I not eat no nuggets 'gain."

"Sure you will, baby. Look, papa put the rooster away. Want to get some eggs?"

Avery nodded and they went into the coop, being careful where they stepped. Avery was fascinated by the chickens, but kept her distance just in case they decided to attack too.

"Hey daddy, are these eggs all edible for sure?"

"Yeah. That rooster hasn't been allowed to make his rounds in here in a while."

"Okay. Because we know what happens when you're not sure."

"I'm sure."

"Mama, how we get the eggs? I want 'em."

Lindsay showed Avery how to gather the eggs carefully and put them in the basket, counting as they went along.

"Oh my, this different! Mama, it brown."

"Yep, that's right."

"Oh wow. Seven."

"And one more is how many?"

"Um… seven… eight! It eight mama! Eight eggs!"

"That's right. Should we go take them inside to granna?"

"Oh yes! I hold your hand so chicken don't get me and dolly Aurora."

Lindsay chuckled and held her free hand out, smiling when Avery took it.

"Daddy, you comin' in?"

He gave a little nod and dropped his arm around her shoulders as they walked across the grass and around the house to the back porch.

"Wipe your feet off, Averylin."

"Okay. Scuffy, scuffy, wipe, wipe, this how we clean our feet," she sang, obviously something she'd learned in preschool. "Granna, we brung eggs. Good mornin'!"

"Good morning sweetie. Are you hungry for breakfast?"

"Oh yes!"

"I have cinnamon rolls and bacon and-"

"Oh boy, I love Montana so most!"

* * *

"Alright Avery, what did we talk about?"

"Be polite girl. Not too noisy. Sit nicely."

"Are you ready to go inside?"

"Oh yes, I see auntie Tater please!"

Lindsay smiled and got Avery out of the car, holding her and kissing her cheek for a moment before she put her down. It was so nice to just be able to focus on one kid for a while and she'd found Avery to be more of a kindred spirit than she'd once thought.

They made their way to the front door and knocked and Avery giggled happily, jumping from one foot to the other. The door opened and she ran inside, hugging Taylor around the legs.

"Hi Tater! I love you!"

"I love you too sweetie," Taylor laughed, leaning down and picking Avery up. "You're getting so big. How did you do that?"

"I eat food and play hard."

"Avery, you are so precious."

"This I know."

Taylor chuckled and put Avery down, then let Lindsay into the house.

"Hi little girl," Lindsay said, wrapping her in a hug that seemed to chase away every parenting fear she'd been worrying about for the last four months.

"Hey."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm good. Kind of tired and nervous and all the stuff that's apparently normal."

"Good, right on track."

"Wait, keep hugging please."

Lindsay laughed and obliged for a few minutes before Avery tugged on her hand.

"Mama, I try to sit an' be polite. The couch too big for me get up on."

"Okay I'll help."

"Do you guys want anything to drink?"

"I'm good. Sit down and talk to me."

Taylor smiled and sat down, leaning on Lindsay's shoulder and sighing.

"So?"

"It's a boy."

"Oh boys are so much fun," Lindsay chuckled. "I had two because I liked the first one so much."

"I have no idea what to do with a boy so I am thinking it's going to be an adventure."

"Is Josh happy?"

"Over the moon. He's already talking about what he wants the baby's room to look like. He's so intense about it, like he knows that he wants gray walls and anchors and sailboats and I said I wanted a jungle theme and he looked at me like I had three heads and said "He won't like that when he's ten!" We're going with sailboats."

"You guys are going to have fun with this, I can tell already."

"I'm really scared but mostly I can't wait. And I can't believe I'm actually old enough to do this. I feel like I'm still a high schooler sometimes."

"Wait until the baby drops and you start waddling. You'll feel old enough then."

Taylor chuckled a little and shook her head, rubbing her hand over her stomach.

"So, any advice?"

"Be patient," Lindsay replied automatically. "With the pregnancy, with Josh, with sleepless nights and potty training and tantrums. Just be patient."

"Okay."

"And enjoy the little moments. The days are long but the years are short. They grow up fast. I mean, look at this one," she said gesturing to Avery who was curled up on the couch humming to herself and examining her hands. "She was just a baby yesterday."

"It does go fast. It's already going fast."

"You're going to be a good mom honey."

"I'm actually beginning to believe that. I think back to how it was with my mom and I just can't imagine being like her. It's not me at all. I see myself being more like you."

"Well honey, you learn from my mistakes, okay?"

"You'll tell me about them?"

"Whatever you want to know. You've got the golden ticket now."

"Is labor really the worst thing in the world?"

"At the time you're going through it, yeah. After that it just kind of doesn't matter anymore."

"What's it like?"

"Scary. With Colton it was terrifying because we didn't know what was going on with him being early and everything. With Ben… I was so overdue and exhausted and I just wanted it over with but it was a pretty short labor. It's painful honey, no matter how many drugs you get, but once they hand you this tiny, slimy, squealing baby there's really just nothing else you can think about. It's yours and you made it and the whole world feels so small in comparison. I can't really explain it, but believe me, if you look forward to that moment instead of worrying about labor, you're going to go into the whole thing in a much better state of mind."

"What if I don't know what I'm doing when we bring him home?"

"Then you ask for help. No one expects you to know everything right away. A lot of it will come naturally, and some if it you'll need help. You are more in tune with your baby than anyone else is. Trust that instinct."

"I feel like that's a lesson you didn't learn for quite a while."

"I had to learn it again with every kid. There were times with Ben that he felt so foreign to me, like he didn't come from me and I didn't know him. And there were other times, more often, where I felt so connected to him, even more than I did to Colton. Like Ben was this extension of me, and Colton had grown past that point. Both of those feelings are okay."

"So I can call you at four in the morning when I am at my wits end and can't figure out which side of the diaper is the back and which is the front?"

"Absolutely. I'd rather you call me than worry yourself."

"An' call me, Tater," Avery piped up, climbing into her lap. "I help you. I smart."

"What do you think I should know about bein' a mama?"

"Oh goodness! Do snugglin' a lot. And give candy."

"I think I could do that."

"An'… con'quences. I not like them, but we need lessons."

"So if this kid does something wrong I need to teach them the right thing?"

"Yes. An' they be happy later."

"Are you a happy girl?"

"Oh yes. I happy like my mama."

"That's good."

"You be a fun mama Tater. Like you talk to us on the 'puter and read us books! You be most good."

"Thank you sweetie."

Avery gave her a little smile and a nod, as if the compliment hadn't been a big deal at all.

* * *

The house was packed top to bottom and side to side with people and Avery was getting overwhelmed at the noise and unfamiliar faces. When mama had said they were having a family dinner, for one fleeting moment she'd pictured family dinners like they had at home. She wasn't prepared for this.

"Mama," she whined, wrapping herself around Lindsay's leg and tugging on her hand.

"What do you need sweetie?"

"Mama I not like this. Who these peoples?"

"Remember I told you," Lindsay started, crouching down to talk to her. "This is your family. My brothers are your uncles and their wives are your aunts and their kids are your cousins."

"They all so big!"

"Well you are the youngest grandchild by a lot."

"Mama, I wanna go home!"

"We can't go home right now. Why don't you go right over there and have a snuggle with Taylor?"

"No! I wanna go home! I want daddy! I want my boys! I want my Sarah!"

"I'm sorry you're not happy honey. Let me hold you until you feel better."

"No please I want daddy! And the boys please, and Sarah!" she cried, rubbing at her eyes and wondering how she'd become such a sad mess in the middle of the living room in a matter of seconds. "Mama, I want my fam'ly!"

"Sweetheart, I need you to listen to me-"

"Daddy an' Coley an' Ben an' Sarah," she whined, the words coming faster and faster the harder she cried. "Danny an' Au'tin! Isa an' Dan-yo. Mac an' Jo-Jo! Now!"

"Avery-"

"Mama, we go home!"

"No, not yet."

"Yes! I say yes! I not like here! Want my daddy!"

"Honey, I miss daddy too, but that is no reason to act like this."

"Mama you mean for not take me home! I want my Au'tin! She love me most!"

"Averylin Grace."

"No, go 'way!"

There was a moment when they looked into each other's eyes and Avery regretted everything she'd just said. She'd been such a good girl the whole time and now suddenly she saw that look of disappointment again. This was terrible. Daddy would be so upset.

"Go upstairs into the room and lay on the bed," Lindsay said softly. "Don't get up until I come get you."

"Mama, I-"

"Go upstairs right now."

Avery didn't like being interrupted and she didn't want to go upstairs all alone and she felt like stomping her foot, but that was one of the things that daddy had warned her not to do. Her small hands balled into angry fists and stayed clenched at her sides all the way up the stairs.

"What was that?"

Slowly, Lindsay realized that the reason she'd been able to hear Avery so clearly through the tears was because everyone in the room had fallen silent and were watching the entire thing. The fact that half of her family had just witnessed her disciplining her child didn't sit well with her; in fact she wanted to crawl under a rock and not come out for a long time, until they all forgot the antics of her misbehaving daughter. Even worse was the fact that her dad's question was still dangling in the air and everyone was waiting for her to answer.

"That would be the Monroe genes coming out," she said finally, defeated.

"Reminds me of someone else I know."

"Yeah, she's just like me."

"Not just like you. You never would have gone obediently up to your room. You probably would have stomped to the top of the stairs then turned around and stuck your tongue out at us for good measure."

"Oh she's done that. Back when she was throwing tantrums over everything, she stood at the top of the stairs and mooned us when we had people over because we told her she couldn't have two desserts."

"So she's Lindsay 2.0," Jake chuckled, shaking his head. "Always knew it would come back to bite you."

"Anyway, you all have a good chortle over the fact that your kids were perfect, but I am going to go have a discussion with my little Hell's Angel."

She made her way up the stairs, then turned at the top of them and stuck her tongue out before walking down the hallway. So many times she'd been sent to her room while something exciting went on downstairs, so many times she'd walked slowly down this dark hallway, punished for expressing herself just a little louder than was appropriate. So many times she'd felt unwanted.

A giant pit settled itself in her stomach and she shook her head, refusing to give in to the guilt. She was doing the right thing by disciplining Avery, even if Avery didn't always feel good about it. Sighing, she opened the door to her bedroom, finding her little girl sitting on the bed and staring out the window at the stars. She turned around when the door opened and her lips parted as if she was on the cusp of saying something, but changed her mind.

Lindsay didn't say a word either, just toed her shoes off and walked over to the bed, laying down and pulling Avery into her arms. They laid there for a while together, quietly breathing and thinking, holding hands as if the last ten minutes hadn't happened.

"Mama?"

"Yes?"

"I so sorry I naughty. I sorry I hurt your feelin's."

"I forgive you. I understand that you were overwhelmed and shy and you miss daddy and the boys. I understand that you made the wrong decision and I forgive you for that."

"Mama?"

"Yes baby?"

"Ready for my con'quence."

"We won't be going to get special ice-cream tomorrow."

"Okay mama," Avery whispered, rolling over. "I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart. Very, very much."

"We cuddle now?"

"For a little bit. But you do need to go down and apologize to everyone for the way you acted."

"It not lady-like an' polite. I need say sorry."

"Would you like to go now or wait a few minutes?"

"I go now."

"After that it will be bedtime."

"You go sleep with me? It scary in here."

"Why don't we put your jammies on and then you can come downstairs and sit in my lap and when everyone leaves we can go to bed."

"Okay mama, it a deal."

They sat up from the bed and picked a cozy pair of pajamas, and Avery cooperated while she was dressed and her hair was braided so it wouldn't be so tangled in the morning. Soon they were headed back downstairs and Avery trembled slightly in Lindsay's arms, hating to have to apologize, especially to so many people.

When they got to the bottom of the stairs, everyone glanced over and Avery took a deep breath.

"I sorry I be so bad," she said, her voice quivering. "It not proper. I have a con'quence an' I not do again. You can be happy an' talk again now."

She buried her face in Lindsay's hair and didn't look up until the noise level in the room was high again.

"I'm very proud of you sweetie," Lindsay whispered, rubbing her back.

"Oh mama. Life most hard."


	263. Chapter 263

Avery spun in happy circles around the yard, singing a nonsensical song to herself, kicking up morning dew as she went. Lindsay sat on the porch and watched her daughter, laughing at her antics and her absolute joy in just being alive. Today she was going to ride a horse for the first time and she had been looking forward to it for weeks. She could hardly contain her enthusiasm and broke into a run, squealing as loudly as she could while she ran in figure eights around the yard.

"A horsey!" she giggled, galloping back to the porch. "I get to ride a horsey mama! What color is it?"

"I don't know yet. We'll have to see which one papa brings out for you."

"Oh my. You ride with me mama?"

"Maybe. I think papa is going to teach you how to ride first and then we can go by ourselves."

"I need gloves on?"

"Are you cold?"

"Little bit."

Lindsay pulled a pair of small gloves out of her pocket and put them on Avery's hands, then pulled her daughter close and kissed her cheeks.

"I love you sweetie."

"Love you too mama. Hey, here comes papa an' a horsey! It white! Oh my goodness!"

She ran across the yard to him and jumped up and down excitedly, reaching out to pet the small pony, but backing away at the last second, her hands shaking nervously.

"Oh papa, this real?"

"Yes it's real," he chuckled, picking her up. "This is Casper."

"Hi Casper! You take me for a ride today."

"Alright kiddo, here we go."

"Mama take a picture! I on this horse!"

"You look like a real cowgirl up there sweetie."

"I so proud of me," Avery said with a nod, picking up the reigns. "Papa, we go?"

"Sure."

He clucked his tongue and the pony began to follow him, making Avery laugh in excitement.

"This most fun. I love it! Mama, look at me!"

They continued to trot around the yard, Avery squealing with every pass until they slowed down again.

"Oh papa, that most fun! Thank you, thank you, thank you so most!"

"Would you like to go a little faster?" he asked, dropping the lead to check the saddle.

"Oh yes!" Avery giggled. "Yah horsey!"

She kicked her legs against the horse and it took off across the yard. Avery squealed and held on with one hand, managing to throw the other up above her head for a brief moment before she tumbled off the horse.

"Avery are you okay?" Lindsay asked, rushing over to her and hoping that a hoof hadn't connected with any part of her.

"Ah mama, I rodeo!" she announced, standing up from the ground. "Oh wow, I muddy."

"Honey, are you hurt anywhere?"

"Nope! That so 'citing! I tell the boys?"

"I think you need a bath."

"But mama, you say we go together!"

"I know. We'll get you cleaned up and then go for a ride. It will be warmer then. Is that a deal?"

"Okay. Got mud in mine hair."

"Yeah, we'll get you a bath."

"Okay, we go."

"We need to help papa first. Casper needs to be brushed down."

"Papa, I help!" Avery called, running for her grandpa who had managed to catch the horse. "I brush Casper!"

"He's not ready yet honey. I'm just going to take his saddle off and let him run with the other horses for a while. He needs the exercise you know."

"Ben say I need exercise," she said softly. "My butt very big."

"Well that wasn't very nice of him," he chuckled, leading Casper to the fenced in field where the other horses were already out.

"No, daddy say to him to be nice an' I not help it. Wow, look at them runnin'!" she hollered, pointing to the horses. "Lift me up to see?"

"Sure. You can sit up here on the fence, just like your mama used to do when she was little."

"I like this. Papa, I bring a horse home to Yew Nork with me?"

"No, it won't fit on the airplane."

"Oh that too bad. I like a horse at my home. We play lots games."

"Are you a little lonely when the other kids are at school?"

"Yes. I go my school but it not same. I go tumblin' too! I be home an' by self. Nobody to play with."

"Have you asked your mama for a dog or a cat?"

"Yes. She say no right now. Later maybe. Hey papa! You come home with me an' play! Be my buddy!"

"I wish I could, little girl. I have to stay here and take care of the animals and work the farm."

"Oh dear. Uncle Freddy sometimes play."

"Did you know Uncle Freddy is my little brother?"

"Oh my that so silly! Mama, you know this?"

"Yes, of course I knew."

"Oh boy."

"Someday when you have babies, Colton and Ben will be their uncles."

"But mama, uncle Danny not your brother."

"I know. I'll explain it to you sometime."

"Okay. I cold now. Time for bath?"

"Sure. Tell papa thank you."

"Thank you papa! I 'joyed the horsey. Me an' mama ride later."

"Alright Sparkles. Go have your bubble bath."

* * *

"An' boys guess what?" Avery said, grabbing the computer screen and leaning closer. "I done rodeo!"

"Wow sissy! You really did?"

"Yep! I ride a huge giant horse and it run and I fall off. Like rodeo."

"Wow! I 'member when we watched that rodeo on TV with mama. It was dangerous."

"Are you sure you didn't get hurt falling off a huge horse, Aves?"

"Yep. Oh, mama say t'was a pony."

"Those are much smaller. I'm glad you're not hurt. What else did you do?"

"Um, fell in mud so I haved bath. Now we talkin' to you an' then lunch! Me an' mama gonna go for a ride an' then she say nap time. What you boys do?"

"We're gonna have the Messers come over!" Ben announced happily. "We're gonna play in the yard."

Instead of being excited to hear about this adventure, Avery burst into tears, dropping her head to the keyboard and weeping for all she was worth.

"Aves? Aves, what's the matter? Stop crying and tell me and Ben!"

"Yeah sissy, chin up sunshine!"

She sniffled and wiped her eyes, her frown growing deeper.

"I want my Sarah!"

"It's okay Aves! You will see her when you come home. And when she gets here I will tell her that you miss her and I will give her a big hug from you, okay?"

"You do that Coley?"

"Sure. It's gonna be okay. What other fun things are you gonna do on vacation?"

"I just be with mama. That most fun. I get all snuggles an' not share them."

"Well we get to play with daddy all we want," Ben countered with a little nod. "So we are havin' lots of fun too. Just this mornin' he did the throwin' us on the bed game. The one what mama doesn't let us play."

"Aw man! I play that. Tell daddy I want play that."

"We'll tell him sissy but we gotta wait until mama's gone."

"Okay, it a secret. Shhhh. Oh no, mama comin'!"

"We'll talk about somethin' else! Like the things what me and Cole finded in the backyard. Tell her Cole."

"We were diggin' in the back corner because daddy said go for it, and we found an old watch and some glasses."

"Ones what fit me!" Ben interjected happily.

"Daddy's cleaning them all up for us to have. He said maybe we can make the watch work again and I can wear it. We looked and looked for somethin' for you but we didn't find anything."

"That okay. We go diggin' together?"

"If daddy says okay we can. You can search through our dirt clumps!"

"Oh yay, I like dirt!"

"We'd better go, daddy needs us to clean up our room. See ya later Aves. Love you."

"Love you boys so most!"

The disconnected the Skype call and Avery sighed, sitting back in her chair. She missed Sarah a lot, liked having a friend to talk things over with and to learn from. But she missed her brothers even more than that. They always protected her and let her join in their games, and even when they were mean to each other she knew that they loved her.

"Did you have fun talking to your brothers?"

"Oh yes. They is so fun. They finded treasure mama."

"They did?"

"Yep. I help them another time. You talk to daddy on phone?"

"Yes. He misses you very much and he can't wait to see you in a few days."

"I miss daddy too. We eat now?"

"Yeah, granna has a big lunch ready for us."

"Mama, we make a card say thanks to granna for all the food?"

"Yeah, we could do that. How about after our nap we'll go to the store and pick one out."

"Okay! Now we eat, I so hungry."

"Honey," Lindsay chuckled, lifting her up and kissing her. "You're always hungry."

"Food is won'erful, mama."

* * *

Not used to taking naps very often, Lindsay lay quietly in the small bed, watching Avery sleep. It was so peaceful to just be in the moment as it was, letting time creep by, feeling that it wasn't wasted. Occasionally she wondered how she'd ended up with a daughter like this, how she'd gotten so lucky, how the sins of her past had not yet come back to her. Being a parent had always been a scary endeavor, sprinkled with frustrations and tears, but overflowing with joy and rewarding laughter. There were worries about the future, wonderings about how to deal with tough questions and areas of gray.

As she looked down at Avery, those thoughts increased tenfold. She remembered her teenage years, even before the night in the diner, things hadn't been perfect. Feelings were confusing, fights were difficult and there were days when nothing made any sense at all. She knew that was normal, that it was no one's fault, but she couldn't help but wish with all her heart that Avery wouldn't feel alone in those times. That when bad things happened, she would know that home was safe, that she was loved there, that no problem would ever be too big for them to solve together.

Avery stretched and rolled over opening her eyes and blinking a few times.

"Hi mama," she croaked with a little smile. "Good nap?"

"Very good nap."

"What you thinkin'?" she asked curiously, rubbing at her eyes.

"I was just thinking about you. How much I love you."

"I love you, mama."

"Do you know that I will always, always love you?"

"Oh yes. You say to me before."

"Sometimes things in your life will be hard and I want you to know that I will be there to help you."

"Okay. Can we go ridin' now?"

"Sure. Can I take you to my favorite place?"

"Yeah! I wanna see it. We ride a horsey there?"

"Yeah we will."

"We take a snack?"

"Sure."

"C'mon, let's go."

Avery hopped off the bed and pushed her hair back, then reached out and grabbed Lindsay's hands, pulling her up too.

"Mama, I like bein' with you."

"I like bein' with you too sweetie."

"Pick me up an' hold me. I like to snuggle with you."

Lindsay lifted her up and kissed her cheeks breathing in the babyish smell.

"Mama, where this place we go?"

"It's not far."

"Okay. I sit on horsey with you?"

"Yep, that's the plan."

They went downstairs and put their shoes and coats on before heading out to the barn. Lindsay took a while to get everything ready and Avery wandered around the barn, checking out all the animals and trying to start conversations with them.

"Hello," she would say to each one. "I am Avery Grace Ross. How you do?" Then for some inexplicable reason she would bow low to the ground before moving on to the next stall.

"Mama, I maked friends," she announced, having made her rounds. "Ooh, what this horsey named?"

"This is Muriel. Over there is her mama Argentina."

"Oh."

"Argentina's mama was named Aqua and she was my horse when I was younger."

"You have a horsey? Your own?"

"Yes I did."

"Oh mama, so lucky! Time to go?"

"Sure. I'm going to put you on the horse and I want you to hold on tight okay?"

"I do, mama. Up I go!"

She held onto the reigns while Lindsay got herself situated and before long they were trotting out of the barn.

"I like this," Avery said softly, leaning back a little. "So fun. What I dreamed."

"It's what you dreamed?"

"Yes. Just Avery an' mama, on the horsey, ridin'. Just us girls."

"Yeah, that's right."

"Mama, the mountain. How it made?"

"It's just made of the same stuff as the ground."

"Hmm. No man build it? Like a tower?"

"No."

"What's that?"

"That's a hawk. It's a kind of bird."

"It have nest?"

"Maybe up in that tree. And maybe it's a mama hawk and it's coming back to feed its babies."

"Oh maybe! Wow. What down there?"

"There's a pond down there for swimming in the summer," Lindsay said, glancing down the dirt path. "When we come back here, I'll take you and the boys."

"Okay. I see somethin' there!"

"What is it?"

"I dunno! Oh, it a wheel!"

"Yeah, it's a tire swing. You can try it out."

"Okay. Mama, we forgot snacks!"

"Oh well. We'll have a snack later."

"Okay. This your favorite place?"

"Yes it is. I'm going to get down from the horse and I want you to hold on again, okay?"

"I not go nowhere mama."

After tying the horse to the tree on a long lead so she could graze, Lindsay placed Avery on the tire swing and gave her a little push.

"Oh so fun! Mama, daddy make me this at our home?"

"I bet we could do that. You'll have to ask daddy."

"Okay, I do that. Wow mama, look at the sky. It very blue. Like mine eyes!"

"You're right it is."

"An' so most big. Giant clouds. Mama, Montana beautiful. We come here more. I wanna show Sarah it."

"Maybe someday we can do that."

"Okay. Ooh, flowers! Mama, I want off the swing, wanna get flowers for Au'tin!"

Lindsay helped her down, then sat on the tire swing herself, watching as Avery gathered flowers from all over, giggling every time she found a new color. She tucked one behind her ear and smiled to herself, then ran back to the swing.

"Mama, got one for you! This one white. Right?"

"Yes, that's white."

"Put it in your hair like how mine is."

"Okay. Thank you sweetie."

"I want up there with you. An' we take a picture for daddy!"

"Okay, I bet he would like that."

"Get your phone and we smile pretty. Good! Now send to daddy for him to have."

"Alright."

"An' now we take picture for Au'tin. Make a happy face. No mama, most happiest. Yes, that good. Now take a picture of us!"

Lindsay chuckled and went along with it, showing Avery the picture before she sent it.

"Now one more. We do weird face. For Danny. He weird."

Lindsay laughed and obeyed, sending the picture to Danny, along with the explanation as to why they were making weird faces.

"I like us pictures," Avery said, scrolling through them again. "Lookit, our smiles is a match."

"A match?"

"Yeah. Same. Ooh, someone sayin' stuff to you!" she said delightedly as a message notification came up.

"It's Danny. He says that if you think he's weird then he must be in a lot of trouble. He also said he loves us."

"Say to him we love him also."

"Okay."

Avery sighed happily and looked at the flowers she'd picked, counting them quietly before the phone buzzed again.

"Who it is?"

"It's Austin. She sent us a sad face picture and said that she wants us to come home to her."

"Say to her I pick flowers an' they pretty for her."

"I will. What should we do after this?"

"Um… we go to shopping?"

"What kind of shopping do you want to do honey?"

"Prize for the boys. An' for Sarah?"

"We can do some looking."

"Yeah. In a bit. Now we swing and look at clouds."

"Avery, I really love being here with you."

"Yep."

"You're a lot of fun, did you know that?"

"I am?"

"Yes you are. You make me very happy."

"You happy I yours?"

"So, so happy, Averylin. I never thought I would like having a little girl so much."

"I teach you girls is fun. Mama, I be like you?"

"You want to be like me?"

"Oh yes!"

"Well, maybe there's some things that you could do like me. But there's other stuff that I would like you to do better."

"What mama?"

"I want to teach you to always be honest with the people you love. Don't be so scared of love that you stop believing in it. I never thought that I would ever, ever get to have a fairy tale, but then I met daddy."

"Daddy your Prince Charmin'?"

"Yes, he is."

"I get a Prince Charmin' one day. He be good like daddy. Funny like Ben. Hugs like Coley. An' handsome too. An' I be so happy, and wear big dress an' smile lots."

"I can't wait until you have that someday, baby."

"I be a mama too! An' I gonna take care horses."

"Really?"

"Yes. I not be sad."

Lindsay sighed and brushed Avery's hair back from her face, briefly mourning the curls that had started to loosen a little. It made her hair look longer which made her look more grown up, which made it harder and harder to see her as a little baby.

"Honey, I want to tell you something important. You might not remember later, but I want to tell you now and tell you a lot."

"What it is, mama?"

"I want you to know that being sad isn't a bad thing. It's okay to be sad. It's always okay. I want you to have a happy life, I really do. But there will be times when you're sad. Sometimes you might get so sad that you don't remember to be happy too. If that ever happens honey, I want you to know it's okay, and you can come and talk to me about it, and we'll work together to make you feel better."

Avery nodded quietly, playing with Lindsay's hands and staying quiet for a moment before she spoke.

"Mama, Coley say you been sad a'fore. Real sad."

"Yes, that's true. It was before you were born and Ben was still a baby. I was very, very sad for a while."

"How you be happy?"

"Daddy helped me a lot. So did Austin. I went to a special doctor for a while. She helped my brain to be happy again."

"Mama, you forget to be happy? Now?"

"It could happen again honey. My brain sometimes stops working right. But daddy and Austin and Danny know how to help me, and I can always go back to the doctor if I need to. I won't ever be so sad that something bad will happen."

"Oh good. I so glad mama. I not want you be sad, but I will hug you lots."

"I love you, Averylin."

"Love you too, mama. You most good mama an' I be most good girl for you."

"You are the best daughter in the whole world."

Avery grinned.

"Thanks. We could go shop?"

"Sure honey. Whatever you want."


	264. Chapter 264

Saturday night and early Sunday morning meant lots of tossing and turning, sleeping for scant minutes and waking up confused and uncomfortable. When the sun finally came up Avery stretched and opened her eyes, well rested and happy.

"Hi mama."

"Mornin' sweetie."

"I got ick breath," Avery sighed, rubbing her eyes and hugging her pillow. "Mama, you miss daddy?"

"I miss daddy a lot."

"You have dreams. I hear you. You wanted daddy."

"I must have been talking in my sleep."

"Yeah. You say daddy's name lots."

"I had a hard time sleeping last night. I don't sleep good without daddy sometimes."

"Daddy hug you an' make you feel better."

"Yes he does."

Avery nodded and sat up, shaking her hair out of her face and looking outside.

"It a most beautiful day," she said after a moment. "I hear granna make food. I go downstairs. You come too?"

"I'm going to try and get some more rest. You go ahead downstairs."

Avery got up from the bed and stretched then sighed and looked back at Lindsay.

"Want you come with me."

"I'll be down in a bit. Go see if you can get some snuggles from papa."

"Okay."

Avery toddled out of the room and Lindsay stretched out on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and trying to settle her stomach. She always went to church with her parents when she was in town and she didn't hate it, actually she mostly enjoyed it. But going to church also meant being right by the cemetery, feeling the pull to visit, the guilt when she tried to talk herself out of it. It had been three and a half years since her last visit, and the desire to stay in bed and ignore it wasn't going away. She knew without a doubt that if she didn't visit, went home and never walked up that hill to those graves, she would regret the cowardly actions and lose even more sleep over it.

Reaching over to the side table, she grabbed her phone and called Adam, yawning as she waited for him to answer.

"Hey honey."

"Hi."

"You're up early."

"Didn't sleep, really. Then the sun came up and… well, Avery."

"You okay? Why didn't you sleep?"

"Thinking about the girls. Missing you."

"I miss you too."

"Talk to me for a little bit. I don't want to get up yet."

"Okay. Well, I took the boys to a hockey game last night."

"How did they like that?"

"Colton didn't want me to explain anything, he wanted to figure it out himself. Ben was pretty disinterested until there was a fight and he jumped up on his chair and screamed "You gotta hug it out!" three or four times until he realized that the players couldn't hear him but everyone around us could, and he sat down and watched the rest of the game through his fingers. And Junior was jumping up and down, screaming at the top of his lungs most of the time."

"Sounds about right. Did Junior sleep over?"

"Yeah, they slept in front of the TV in a fort. I haven't heard them yet so I think they're still asleep."

"What are you guys going to do today?"

"I think when they wake up we'll go for donuts and after that I'm not sure. Wish you girls were here though."

"Me too. When Avery and I went to bed last night she rattled on for almost an hour about how much she loves the boys and misses them and wants to play with them."

"Does she love me and miss me and want to play with me too?"

"You were mentioned briefly."

"How 'bout you? Love me, miss me, want to play with me?"

She giggled and spun her wedding ring around her finger letting a few cheeky answers run through her mind.

"Yes, very much, and I'll see you tomorrow, so be prepared."

"I will be."

"I should get up now. I'd much rather lay here and talk to you for the next five hours though."

"That's okay, I just heard the TV go on really loud."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Call me later."

They hung up and she stretched, yawning and craving a cup of coffee and a few hours of sleep, maybe not in that order. There was a soft knock on the door and she looked up, finding her mom in the doorway, already dressed for church.

"Honey, do you want breakfast?"

"Yeah, I'm coming. Just a slow start this morning."

Anne nodded and walked across the room, sitting down on the bed and giving Lindsay a worried look.

"Mom?"

"You don't have to go today."

"I want to."

"I know it's hard."

"Sometimes. I stopped going and believing because I was mad. I was mad and I wanted to blame God because it's so much easier to think He's some grand puppet master than it is to understand free-will and mercy and grace in the same structure. I still haven't gotten that down, but I accept the fact that I may never get it. Sometimes it's hard to go, but it's not really because of what happened. Mostly it's because I grew up and I left it behind and now I don't know where it goes anymore. I'm not proud of that."

Anne didn't say anything for a while and they sat in silence, staring out the window.

"I think that's the most personal thing you've ever told me."

"Maybe so."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Come downstairs before your dad and daughter eat everything."

"Avery always eats my bacon. Every time there is bacon in the house she eats hers and then she eats mine."

"But no one else's?"

"Nope."

* * *

Familiar words and music flooded her mind all morning, keeping away the thoughts of the past, the thoughts of the hillside across the street, the thoughts of anything that had once made her stomach lurch. Sitting there in the pew next to her mom, holding her daughter in her arms, everything seemed so right and peaceful and she closed her eyes, letting it all sweep over her, brushing away the cobwebs in her mind that still held her back, that hid themselves so far in the crevices that she didn't even remember they were there. It was impossible to banish them completely, but the victory was in being able to clear them away a little, having even that much power over it.

A small hand slid over hers, tracing the lines carefully, over and over again, soft and soothing. After a few minutes she opened her eyes and smiled down at Avery who was looking at her quizzically. Neither one of them said anything, just shared a quiet moment, hands clasped together and living in one memory.

"Mama, I love you," Avery whispered after a while, wrapping her arms around Lindsay's neck and sighing softly.

"I love you too Averylin."

They sat like that for the rest of the service and when it was over, noise broke over them, startling them both out of the calm they'd surrendered to. Avery sat up and rubbed her eyes, giving Lindsay a big smile and wiggling around a little.

"Mama, lunch?"

"We'll have lunch when we get back to granna and papa's. I need to go do something before that though."

"Oh. I go with you."

"Not today sweetie. You can go back to the house and help granna make lunch. If you ask really nice, she'll let you be her taste tester."

"Ooh, I do that! I be good at it."

They nodded together and stood up from the pew, noticing that the rain which had started suddenly this morning had slowed into a gentle drizzle.

"Hey mom, I'm going to stay behind and-"

"Lindsay?"

It was a voice from the past, familiar and new at the same time and Lindsay turned slowly, bracing herself for something she could only imagine.

"Kristina."

It was like looking back over twenty years at Kelly, but seeing so far into the future at the same time. Kristina had been six years younger but always looked so much like Kelly, and as she stood here now, the resemblance was even more striking. It stopped Lindsay's breath in her throat for just a second before she recovered, trying to smile and feel out the situation.

"I didn't know you were in town."

"I… just for the weekend."

There was another moment where neither of them knew what to say.

"Hi! I Avery Grace Ross! What your name, lady?"

Kristina chuckled and took Avery's offered hand.

"I'm Kristina. Your mommy and I knew each other a long time ago."

"Oh. You not old?"

The tension broke and they both laughed while Avery shrugged her shoulders in confusion.

"I know your family does a big lunch after church but I was wondering if you would come over to mom and dad's later and have dessert with us," Kristina rushed, stopping to take a breath. "I mean if you can't that's fine, but we just thought… we haven't seen you in so long."

Lindsay's heart sped up at the prospect, wondering if there was a legitimate excuse to get out of this. She hadn't been to that house again once the girls were gone, she'd never spent time with Kelly's family after that, despite their house being her second home for so many years. She may have felt peaceful and strong twenty minutes ago, but at the moment she felt weak and conflicted and scared.

"What time?" she asked finally.

"About seven. Do you want to come too, miss Avery Grace Ross?"

"Oh yes. I go with my mama. She mine. We together."

"Alright. If you guys can't come, your mom has my number. Just give me a call."

"Um… okay. Thanks."

And just as quickly as she'd appeared, Kristina was gone. Lindsay stood rooted to the spot, taking deep breaths and wondering if she'd made the right decision in agreeing to do this.

"Honey? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Could you guys take Avery home? I'll meet you there in a while."

Anne frowned but took Avery from her.

"We can wait here for you while you go up and-"

"No, I'm going to need to walk afterwards," she said, pulling her jacket on and making sure her phone was in her pocket just in case.

"It's three miles."

"I know. I'll be fine."

Anne didn't argue but did make sure her face of disapproval was seen.

"You be good for granna, okay baby?"

"But mama, we together!"

"I know. I need to go do somethin' by myself for a bit. It's really important, okay?"

"Well okay. Snuggles later?"

"Absolutely, baby. Gimme a kiss."

"It be sloppy," Avery warned before kissing her. "An' spitty. Sorry."

"That's okay honey. I'll be back later."

She headed out of the small church building and put the hood of her jacket up, bracing herself against the wind as she walked across the road and up the hill, taking her time before walking to the space she had visited so many times before. For a moment she wished that she had a chair, but found that the roots of the old oak tree remained dry, so she sat down on them, shoving her hands into her pockets and taking a deep breath before she started speaking, a very uncharacteristic act that had always come so naturally to her.

"Hi guys. I'm sorry it's been so long since I've been out here. Life has gotten crazy. I have a little girl now. She's almost three and a half and she is crazy. You guys would love her. Everybody says she's just like me but I think she's even weirder. The boys are getting so big. Ben is so funny, even though he decided to stop talking so much, he still makes me laugh with the things he says. His hugs could cure anything, I swear. And Colton… he's been through so much in the last few years and he's grown up so much. He's so smart and sometimes I still wonder how I got so lucky with him. He's just like his daddy."

She fell into silence for a few minutes, looking up through the tree leaves at the sky and breathing gently.

"I wish you guys were here. I wish you could see life and the world and everything you missed out on. I hate that I get all that and you guys didn't. You didn't even get a chance. I'm so sorry. Life is amazing. Even when things go wrong and you fight with your husband and your kids are wild and the car breaks down and your best friend is busy and you never see her and work has been kicking your butt and you just want to scream about how much life sucks, even then it still really is amazing. There are so many little things that happen that you don't even realize until you think about it in reverse. All these moments that you noticed but didn't appreciate at the time. Remember I told you about Jo? She says we've got to stop pressing our noses against the glass of life and step back and look at the picture. You can appreciate the little things more when you see how they work in the big stuff. I try to do that. Especially for you guys. I don't want to take anything for granted.

"Guys, I'm scared. I know it's ridiculous, but what happened to us, I worry it's going to happen to Avery. I know it's not but as she gets older the feeling gets worse. Maybe I'm just afraid of the things she'll go through in life, the normal things, you know? It's so hard to explain to anyone else. No one else went through any of this except you guys and you can't talk back."

A lump formed in her throat and she sniffled, looking down at her hands to try and stop the tears.

"I need you guys. I wish you were here."

She let the tears flow then, tears that usually stayed in close check while she was here because she never felt worthy to visit these graves, much less weep at them. Shame and guilt pounded down on her and she stood up, unable to even say goodbye, knowing she needed to get out.

Her feet moved quickly down the hill and to the main road where she slowed slightly, jamming her hands into her pockets and crying as she walked, feeling like the emotions of this trip were so big and conflicting that she couldn't muddle through them on her own. Home was comfort, but home was also the past and all she wanted now was to be in her own home, one that didn't hold memories of this time, didn't cause her to dream of bloodstains and screaming and loss.

She wasn't sure how long she'd walked or how far, or even if she was going the right direction, when she heard someone coming down the road. Glancing up, she stopped walking, breathing heavily as her dad pulled the truck up beside her.

"It's freezing out here little girl. C'mon, get inside."

She didn't argue but walked around and slid into the truck, pulling the door shut behind her and not bothering to put her seatbelt on as Dale pulled over to the side of the road and turned the truck off.

"Daddy."

He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid halfway across the seat to her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing the top of her head while she cried.

"You're safe, Lindsay. Everyone is safe. It's okay."

"When does it get easier?"

"It doesn't. You just get stronger."

"I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of hurting and being afraid."

"You're not afraid, Lindsay."

"Yes I am. I'm scared for the kids, especially Avery and-"

"Do you think that no other parent looks at this world and worries for their kids?"

She was quiet, knowing that he was right in essence but that there was a much more deep seated fear to her worries.

"I know you can't just stop worrying and I would never ask you to. But what you're worried about is your worries becoming so much that you hold the kids back from life."

"Yeah."

"Well don't do it then."

His answer seemed so simple, not like he was ignoring the problem, but letting her know it was something she was going to have to battle with more and more.

"Let's go home."

She nodded and buckled her seatbelt, wiping her eyes, wishing this day was over.

* * *

Conversation over dessert that night was light and happy, almost as if they were all old friends catching up, rather than old friends bonded eternally together by the tragedy of loss. It was like being a kid again to some degree, sitting around this table with people she'd known most of her life, teasing and joking. What she'd had with Kelly's family was similar to what her own kids had with the Messers and a little part of her longed to have it back for herself.

"Mama!" Avery said breathlessly, running over to the table with Kristina's little boy hot on her heels. "Me an' Travis havin' fun!"

"I'm glad sweetie."

"We take him home with us?"

"We can't do that. Don't you think he'd miss his mama?"

"Well yes," she answered, pondering that for a moment. "How 'bout he come visit? Oh… he not wanna play with me an' Sarah. Too many girls. We come back to Montana lots?"

"Maybe we can do that."

"Okay!"

They ran off again and Lindsay shook her head, wishing she could bottle up some of Avery's energy and use little bits of it throughout the day.

"There is no doubt that child is yours."

"Wait until she really gets going. We found her in the backyard the other day making mud pies. Which would have been fairly normal except that she was peeing in order to make the mud."

"That is disgusting."

"Girlfriend got a really long bath after that."

"Now wait a minute, didn't I once find you girls making mud pies in the backyard with my morning pot of coffee?"

"That was for flavor!" Lindsay laughed, suddenly remembering the incident. "And if I recall correctly, we were making those pies for your birthday."

"Apple don't fall far from the tree," Kristina decided as the kids rushed back into the room. Avery's eyes wide.

"Mama, I need… I need go… um… I need use the toilet!" she announced in a shy whisper, looking around the table out of the corner of her eye to make sure no one had heard what she said. They all feigned ignorance as she tugged on Lindsay's hand and pulled her to her feet.

"We'll be right back," Lindsay said, excusing herself from the table and taking Avery upstairs to the bathroom.

"Do you need help or do you want privacy?"

"Privacy mama. But I yell if I need ya!"

Lindsay chuckled and shut the door most of the way, leaning against the wall and closing her eyes, managing to make it ten seconds before she had to look across the hall at Kelly's room. The door was shut but not latched and she felt her feet moving towards it, while her heart hung back, not wanting to go.

She pressed on the door with the tips of her fingers, listening as it creaked open, hearing her feet on the carpet, crossing the threshold into the room. Her eyes flew open and her breath caught in her throat.

Blanketed in chilly grey light from the window and the ever darkening sky outside, she could imagine light and warmth streaming in, Kelly sitting at the vanity putting make-up on while she herself danced about the room to Brooks and Dunn's _My Maria_, crooning along and making a fool of herself without fear of rejection. Kelly giggled and stared at two tubes of lipstick, almost exactly the same color, wondering which one to pick. Sixteen-year-old Lindsay crossed the room and swiped one of the tubes, using it on herself and forcing Kelly to choose the other. They laughed together, nary a word passing between them as Kelly stood up to change her outfit one last time. A young Kristina burst into the room and begged to go with them, trying to pay her way with everything in her piggy bank. Her frown and whine earned her a shove out of the room and the door closed in her face, as such antics usually did. They heard her pouting on the other side of the door for a moment before Kelly reached over and turned the radio up, using her hairbrush to sing along to _Beaches of Cheyenne_ for a moment before sitting back down to do battle with her hair. Lindsay walked across the room and took over, humming along with the music and brushing through Kelly's hair a few times before taming it with a clip and a liberal amount of hairspray. Kelly gave a nod of approval then stood up and motioned for Lindsay to sit down so she could return the favor.

Soon jean jackets were being pulled on, boots traded and clunked against the floor, faces and outfits checked one last time, the radio turned down but not off as they headed out of the room.

"You shouldn't be in here."

She turned slowly at the voice, snapping back to the present. The radio was still running, must have been since that night. Nothing in the room had changed. The make-up and hair brush were still on the vanity, Lindsay's own clothes were folded on the end of the bed as she'd borrowed some of Kelly's that night. The only thing in the room that wasn't still stuck on that night was the music. It wasn't brand new, but still relevant and Lindsay closed her eyes again, holding onto to now. _Would you catch a couple thousand fireflies…put them in my lamp to light my world…All dressed up in a tux and bowtie…. Hand delivered to a lonely girl…_

"Lindsay I don't want you in here."

"I'm sorry Connie, I just… I needed to see…"

"Get out."

"But-"

"Leave."

Taken aback by the sudden change, Lindsay looked up, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to find something to say.

"She was my best friend," she whispered finally. "I loved her so much, Connie."

"You think I don't know that? You think it's easy to see you now, with the life my daughter should have had? Do you think I really wanted you here today?"

"But… you saved me! You were the one that shook me awake and made me stop being so reckless-"

"I did that for Kelly, not for you. I wouldn't have cared one way or the other but I knew she wouldn't have wanted to see you like that. I had to do it for her, as much as I didn't care, as much as I hated you."

"It wasn't my fault! I would have given anything to have died with them Connie! Don't you understand that? I didn't want to be alive without them!"

"I don't care what you wanted. I lost my daughter. Compared to that, you didn't lose anything."

"This room was the last safe place," Lindsay muttered, more to herself than to Connie. "I just needed to see it again. I'm sorry."

"Please just leave. Don't come back."

Lindsay nodded and went out to the hallway where Avery was standing with tears streaming down her cheeks, her fingers in her mouth, trying to keep quiet.

"Mama."

"It's okay baby. Time to go."

"Mama, you cry, you yell."

"I'm sorry. Let's go home now."

"But Travis."

"We need to leave, Averylin."

Quickly she went down the stairs, grabbing their coats and not even bothering to make excuses to Kristina and Bill as they headed out the door and to the car. Avery sniffled and wiped at her eyes and Lindsay wanted to reassure her that everything was okay, but she didn't want to take the time for that, she needed to get out.

They drove for quite a while in silence, radio tuned to the same station that had been playing for over twenty years in Kelly's room; rain beat against the car in competition with the music and before long she had to pull over into a parking lot because she couldn't see through the tears anymore. Turning the car off she rested her arms on the steering wheel and leaned forward, dropping her head and crying hard while Avery whimpered in the back seat. She couldn't catch her breath long enough to explain, so she stopped trying, sitting there for several minutes before finally gaining a little control and finding her phone in the depths of her coat pocket. Shaking fingers punched a few buttons and she held it up to her ear with one hand, using the other to reach into the backseat and take Avery's foot, establishing a connection that seemed to calm both of them for the moment.

"Hey Lin, what's up?"

The four simple words, her best friends voice and the fact that somewhere life was normal again all made her shake with sobs, so hard she couldn't breathe.

"Lin, calm down. Talk to me, what happened? Take a deep breath, it's okay. C'mon, you're alright. Talk to me Lin."

"I want to come home. I don't ever want to come back here."

"Lindsay please talk to me."

She managed to spit the story out in fits and starts, taking deep breaths to try and stop the stuttering.

"Lindsay, what she said doesn't matter."

"It does."

"No it doesn't. She is still grieving, she always will be. You know grief, you know that it creates anger. Seeing you reminds her that it could have been her daughter that survived but it wasn't. Seeing you makes her grieve again Lindsay. But it's not because of you yourself. It's because you remind her of what she once had."

"It's not my fault!" she protested, gripping Avery's foot a little tighter.

"I know. Lindsay, it's not your fault that it happened and it's not your fault that you survived when no one else did, and no one should hate you for that. You should be allowed to hurt just like everyone else. You don't have to regret that you lived, just to satisfy everyone else. You lived for something much bigger. It doesn't matter what anyone says. You are worth just as much as they are."

"She hates me."

"No she doesn't. She just has not let herself grieve. She's still mad."

Lindsay breathed heavily as Avery finally managed to wiggle enough to reach forward to hold her hand.

"Mama."

"Lin, are you okay?"

"Y-yeah."

"Where are you?"

"I pulled over. Not sure where."

"Are you safe?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to take a deep breath and then drive back to your parents house, okay? Let me know when you get there."

"Okay."

"I love you. Do you hear me?"

"I hear you."

"I love you Lindsay."

"I love you too."

"You be safe okay? I'll see you tomorrow night and we'll talk some more."

"Thank you. Please don't tell Adam any of this."

"Why?"

"He'll just worry. I'll tell him when I get home, just don't call him or anything."

"I won't. Promise me you'll tell him."

"I'll tell him."

"Okay. You good to drive?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"I'll talk to you a little later."

"Bye Aust."

She hung up the phone and leaned back in the seat, rubbing at her eyes.

"Mama, you okay?"

"I'm okay baby."

"I want hug you."

"I know. Let's go back to papa and granna's and we can climb in bed and get cozy and I'll tell you what happened today."

"Okay mama. Love you so most."

"I love you too."

They got back on the road and drove for a while until they reached the house. Avery was very sleepy by that point, and Lindsay took her carefully from the car, holding her close and kissing her a few times.

"Mama, I tired. We go sleep."

"I know. We'll pile up lots of blankies and get nice and warm and listen to the rain."

"I happy you my mama."


	265. Chapter 265

"There they are! Mama and sissy! Daddy look!" Ben shouted, jumping up and down and pointing across the room. "Can I run to hug them?"

"Not right now, wait until they get closer."

"I'm so glad to see them," he sighed, squeaking his shoe across the floor. "The house feels funny without no girls in it."

"Yeah, it sure does," Adam agreed, keeping his eye on his wife. Even after only four days apart he couldn't stop staring at her, as if it was the first time he'd seen her.

"Mama!" the boys both shouted, dropping his hands and running across the room. She crouched down and hugged them both, trying to keep her grip on Avery at the same time. There was much laughing and talking and Adam walked over to them, reaching his hand down to help Lindsay up. She smiled brightly at him, squeezing his hand before he pulled her into his arms tightly without a word.

"I missed you," she said after a bit, running her hand over his back.

"Missed you too. Are you okay?"

"Yeah of course," she started, her brow wrinkling. "Did Austin say something to you?"

"She texted me last night and said you had a hard day."

"I wanted to wait to tell you until I got home. I told her not to tell you."

"She didn't tell me. She just warned me."

"I know. I'm okay. Promise."

"You want to tell me about it?"

"Later. Don't let me forget."

"I won't."

He leaned down and kissed her for a long while until the kids started to complain.

"Okay, let's go then. Boys, are you going to be gentlemen and get the luggage?"

It took them a while but they finally managed to get everything off the luggage carousel and they headed outside to the car.

"Well boys, should we take these girlies out for lunch?"

"Yeah! Could we take them out for tacos?" Colton asked. "And burritos. Those are the best."

"Alright, tacos and burritos it is."

"I love that!" Avery giggled, holding Ben's hand as they skipped towards the car. "Tacos is most yummy."

"Sissy, you think everything is most yummy. Did granna make good food?"

"Yep! Breakfast we haved chicken an' waffles!"

"No way! That's so cool! All we haved here was Pop-Tarts what had Spiderman sprinkles on them."

"Oh. Now we have tacos!"

Giggling, the kids climbed into the car, obviously happy to be reunited. Avery had been excited all morning, declaring that she was finally going to see her brothers after "so many most" days, and wouldn't stop talking about all the games she wanted to play once they were home.

"So, you want to tell me about it now?" Adam asked in a low voice, once the music was turned on in the back seat and the kids were occupied with it. Lindsay sighed and looked out the window for a little while before answering.

"I'll tell you but I don't want you to get mad or be upset okay?"

"Okay."

"Because it's really no one's fault."

"Babe, what happened?"

She took a breath and told him what had happened the previous day, stopping a few times to gain her composure and make sure she was getting the whole story out. He reached over for her hand once she was done, stroking his thumb over her knuckles while she swallowed down the lump in her throat.

"Sweetie, you already know what I'm going to tell you."

"I know. Sometimes it's just hard to remember."

"What, remember that I love you?"

"Not that, but everything you always tell me after that."

"You know all of it, you just let what's happening at the moment speak louder sometimes."

"I know. I need to stop doing that."

"You're learning. It's a lot better than it was ten years ago."

"Good."

"Did you sleep last night?"

"Yeah, actually I slept pretty good. I'm sure I'll sleep better next to you tonight though."

"Me too. By the way, we're having family dinner at our place tonight so start thinking about pizza toppings."

"Okay."

"Daddy," Avery started, leaning forward in her seat. "I want hold yours hand!"

"I can't hold your hand right now honey. Not while I'm driving. As soon as we get out of the car, I'll hold your hand okay?"

She sighed and sat back in her seat, shaking her head.

"Fiddlesticks."

"Mama, I think sissy just said a swear maybe."

"No, she didn't."

"Ben, it a funny word granna say. An' papa. Papa also say horsesh-"

"Averylin."

"He said that and granna maked him in trouble."

"Yeah, that sounds like it would be naughty. We don't say swears. Makes us sound like we can't come up with no other words to express our 'motions. That's what mama telled me when I was havin' that swearin' problem."

Colton snickered and shook his head, remembering that Ben's swearing problem mostly involved words like crap, and he'd felt like such a bad kid for saying them.

"Hey Aves, what else did you do in Montana?" Colton asked, changing the subject.

"Oh, I meeted a boy! We is friends! He is Travis! He kiss me!"

"He kissed you sissy? Really? Well, what a brazen act that was."

"On the lips, Aves?"

"Um… on my mouth. Haved chocolate on it from dessert."

"Looks like you finded a soulmate what likes food as much as you."

"Yes. We play an' I wanna bring him home. Mama say no. Oh, me an' mama get eggs from chickens!"

"Right outta the chickens… um… rear-end?"

"I s'pose."

"That's weird."

Avery just nodded and gave a little sigh.

"That life on a farm."

Adam was shaking, trying to hold back the laughter as Avery continued to talk about the trip, explaining "farm life" to the boys as if she was now a seasoned veteran.

"Our daughter is really strange," he said after a while.

"Yeah there's that and then everyone tells me that she is just like me. So I don't know what to think here."

"I love you both, despite the weirdness."

"Thanks."

"Okay, you kids ready for tacos?"

"And burritos daddy," Colton reminded him.

"And those taquito things too!"

"Oh and daddy maybe those cinnamon twists! I love those!"

"And nachos!"

"You would think I hadn't fed these boys all weekend or something," Adam chuckled, parking in front of the restaurant.

"I think they're just excited about the restaurant aspect of it."

"Yum, guacamole!" Ben shouted, unbuckling himself from the car the same second it was turned off.

"Ben, don't go jumping out of the car please."

"I'm starved!"

Adam and Lindsay exchanged a look and got out of the car, herding the kids inside. The boys perused their menus, looking at the pictures to see what they wanted while Avery sat in Adam's lap, coloring happily with a fist full of crayons.

"Ooh, yummy!" she said when the chips and salsa were set down on the table. "I have this!"

She grabbed a chip and dunked it completely, then licked the salsa off before going for a second round.

"Averylin, we don't double dip in this family," Adam said, putting his hand over the bowl. "Finish what you have and then you can start over."

"Oh. Okay! This yummy. You try, Ben."

Ben took a chip and dipped it hesitantly, then brought it to his mouth.

"Hey, that's good and spicy! Have a try, Cole."

"No thanks. I'm not in the mood for spicy."

"Oh. Hey mama, I want this thing right here. What is it?"

"That's a fajita, baby. I don't think you'd like that."

"Bummer. You can pick for me then. I will just eat all this."

By the time they ordered and their food finally came, Avery had been moved to her own chair and her sleeves had been rolled up to her elbows so she wouldn't get so messy. It had been a good theory, but once she mashed all her food together and started eating it with her hands, there was no use trying to keep her clean.

"Sissy, you got beans in your hair."

"Yes. For later when I hungry," she said with a shrug, popping a tomato into her mouth. "This food most good."

"Honey, we need to work on your table manners."

"Okay. We do that tomorrow. Ooh, sauce!"

She reached over and grabbed the bowl of hot sauce, pouring it all over her food before anyone could stop her.

"Mm-mm, this looks goo-ood!"

She dug in with both hands, using a chip to scoop the mashed food into her mouth. Adam and Lindsay watched her half in disgust, half in vigilance for they were certain the hot sauce would cause her to spit everything out. Her eyes did go wide but she ate it all, smiling happily.

"I eat spicy like a big lady!"

"Hey Linds."

"I know."

* * *

When they arrived home, Avery was snoring in her seat, obviously tired from the traveling and the time change. Her head was lolled to the side and she was drooling, a fact that had disturbed Colton greatly because they were sitting next to each other.

Austin was sitting on the porch steps when they got there, a paper cup of coffee in one hand while another sat on the step next to her. Hair tucked behind her ear and reading glasses on, she gave the impression of a relaxed day off, tinged with some worry. Tapping her fingers against the cup she waited until they got out of the car before standing up.

"What are you doin' here?" Adam asked, taking Avery out of her seat.

"Can I steal Lindsay for a bit?"

"Dude, I just got her back!"

"Just for a while! I'll bring her back, I promise."

"Okay, fine."

Austin smiled a thanks and handed Lindsay the other cup of coffee before they set out down the street, walking slowly in tandem.

"I hope the coffee's still hot," Austin said after a moment.

"If it's not, at least I am."

"You're so weird."

Lindsay grinned and took a sip of the coffee, finding a particularly good blend.

"So, what brings you here?"

"You."

"Yes, I am quite the magnetic force."

"After that call last night Lin… I just wanted to make sure you haven't slipped down the rabbit hole again."

"I haven't. I'm good."

"Are you sure? Because a lot of times you don't even know it until-"

"Austin. I'm fine. I promise, I would tell you if I wasn't."

"I worry about you."

"Why?"

"Because. It's not like I want it to happen but it's been a long time since you've been sick and I just worry that it's going to happen really suddenly and it's going to be bad. I don't want that to happen so I sometimes watch you really close."

"Thank you."

"Adam and I check in with each other about you," Austin confessed, kicking a rock down the sidewalk.

"Yeah, I know."

"You do?"

"I've known for years."

"It doesn't bother you?"

"No. I know you guys do it because you love me and I know that it makes you both feel a little better if you can talk about it."

"So you're really okay?"

"Yeah. I'm just fine. I will let you know right away if I'm ever not."

"Good. I'm really glad you're home."

"Me too."

"It's like being an amputee and still feeling a phantom limb."

"Oh come on, I was only gone four days," Lindsay giggled as Austin linked their arms together.

"Yeah but we hadn't seen each other for two weeks before that. Didn't you miss me?"

"Of course."

"Good!"

Lindsay laughed and yawned, resting her head on Austin's shoulder as they walked.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"You'll still love me if I'm reckless and crazy?"

"Yep."

"Okay."

"And you'll still love me if I kill your partner?"

"Of course. Help you bury the body. What did he do this time?"

"Nothing. Bound to happen at some point though."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

"Aunt Lin!"

"Hey guy," Lindsay greeted as Junior tore through the door and into her arms for a hug.

"I missed ya!"

"You did?"

"Yep, because Binyin did! And I am boy of the week at school! And you're the only person I haven't telled."

"Oh, how exciting. What kinds of things do you get to do as boy of the week?"

"Feed the fish, lead the lines, pass out milks at snack time, write the day on the chalkboard, and blow a whistle for the end of recess time. It's a lot of work, but I like hard work, like my daddy does."

"That's good."

"I'm gonna go upstairs and find Binyin, but I seen you first and had to give your cheek a kiss."

"Thanks, guy."

He gave her a grin and rushed upstairs, Sarah following him in search of her Averylin.

"Indy."

"Hey, there's my girl."

Isa walked over and hugged Lindsay tightly, not saying a single word.

"Somethin' wrong, Isa?"

"Just wanted to hug you for a bit."

Lindsay chuckled and picked Isa up, even though she was getting too tall, and held her close for a while.

"I haven't had an Isa hug in much too long."

Isa sighed deeply and buried her face in Lindsay's hair.

"Indy, life is hard."

"What happened sweetie?"

"My ma fixed it already. I just needed to hug you to fix it the rest of the way."

"Want to go sit with me while everyone else argues about what kind of pizza to get?"

"Yeah."

They moved into the living room, making the arguing between Danny, Austin, and Adam fade out a little. Lindsay chose the rocking chair and Isa settled herself in, almost as human origami so she could stay in the chair.

"You're sure gettin' tall honey."

"Yeah. Ma said I'm gonna hit puberty early. But she wouldn't tell me what she meant."

"Just means that you're going to get all your growth spurts and start looking like a young lady faster than the rest of the girls in your class."

"Uck, does that mean I'm gonna get boobs?"

Lindsay laughed.

"Well, not overnight. But eventually yes."

"I hope those things wait for a few years. I don't want to wear a bra."

"I don't either."

Isa giggled and shook her head.

"Indy, I don't want to change."

"You won't change that much. I mean, your body does a lot of changing, but not all at once. But you won't change. You'll mature, get a little wiser, and there are definitely going to be hormones."

"Hormomes?"

"Evil little things that make your emotions go up and down, make you eat everything in sight and make you sleep a lot. So for a while, before those things settle down, you may not feel like yourself, but I promise you will always be Isa."

"Okay. What if I get too tall to sit in your lap like this?"

"As long as you want to sit in my lap, we'll figure something out."

"I love you Indy."

"I love you too."

"Hey babe," Adam started, coming into the room and shaking his head. "When you're not in there to keep the peace, we end up ordering five pizzas to make us all happy."

"Five? But there's only three of you."

"Have you ever tried to order pizza with Austin?"

"Oh."

"But Dum, that just means all us kids get to take pizza in our lunches tomorrow," Isa countered with a grin. "Ma's just gettin' two for the price of one. That kind of thing."

"Oh, I see. Well I guess I can't blame her for variety."

"I don't know why you'd want Indy in there. She'd just be stubborner than a mule. That's what Papaw says."

"Mac says I'm more stubborn than a mule?"

"Well, Jo said it first and then… they meant it nicely!"

"I guess I can't be too upset about that then."

"I'm gonna go upstairs and play before I get myself into any more trouble," Isa sighed, climbing off of Lindsay's lap. "Thanks for the talk, Indy."

"You're welcome. So what kind of pizza did you guys land on?"

"I think the more accurate question is which kind did we not land on."

* * *

The bathroom door creaked open and Lindsay peeked out of the shower, finding Adam standing in the doorway.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just thought maybe I could sneak in with you."

"I'd say yes," she started, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "But you know what happened last time we tried that."

"You weren't the one that had to explain a forehead bruise to people."

"I guess we do have the no-slip mat now."

"I wasn't actually coming in here for all that, to be honest."

"Good because I am way too tired for all that. I like all that. Just way too tired."

"Considering Avery wanted me to spend the entire afternoon playing monsters with her, I'm too tired too."

"Okay, you can come in then."

She was glad that she'd chosen to leave the bathroom lights off because if either one of them had been able to see anything, this would quickly turn into something that neither of them had the energy for.

"I'm glad you're home," he said after a few minutes, reaching over to put shampoo in her hair, even though she'd already done so. "I missed you."

"I missed you too. Thanks for letting me go."

"Other than yesterday, was it a good trip?"

"Yeah. I think Taylor's actually looking forward to having a baby now. She doesn't seem as hesitant as she did a while ago."

"That's good. You talked some sense into her?"

"I don't know. I think I just told her what she knew all along."

He nodded in the dark and she rinsed her hair out, then used conditioner on the ends while he rinsed off.

"Avery seemed to have a good time. Talked my ear off all day."

"She felt really important. I think it was good for her to not feel like a little kid for a while. She got to do something the boys didn't and she behaved a lot better than normal, for the most part."

"For the most part?"

"She had one little upset but we talked about it and she apologized. And this morning I was watching her get herself dressed and brush her hair and I realized how grown up she is now. It's weird that we don't have a baby anymore."

"C'mere," he said, finding her hand and pulling her close for a hug.

"Hi."

"Hi. I can't see you, but I know you're doing that nose wrinkle that you do when you're amused about something."

"I might be."

He chuckled softly and pushed her hair back, kissing her forehead.

"We should get out of here, I'm about to fall asleep standing up."

She nodded and they turned the water off, toweling dry and pulling on night clothes before heading into their bedroom. Neither one of them had bothered to take the winter layer of blankets off of the bed yet and it wasn't so cold that they needed it, but they climbed in anyway, figuring they could always toss them off in the night.

"Mmm, yeah I think I'm going to sleep real good tonight," he whispered, curling up behind her and wrapping his arms around her. "You smell awesome."

"Oh yeah?"

"Mm-hmm. And you're nice and warm. I hate sleeping in this bed by myself."

"I'm glad I get to sleep with you tonight and not Avery."

"Oh?"

"She moves all night long. She stretches and kicks and sits up and adjusts her pillows and blankets and then in the morning she admonishes me for talking in my sleep."

"Well you can talk in your sleep with me as much as you want. I'm used to it."

"Do I really do it that much?"

"No, not really. I'd rather have you talking in your sleep than not have you at all."

She smiled and rolled over, sighing deeply and pressing herself closer to him while he ran his hands up and down her back.

"Hey I have an idea," she started, sliding her arm around him. "Let's not sleep apart ever again if we can help it."

"And even if we can't, we just won't sleep, in protest."

"Okay."

He chuckled and kissed her softly, tucking her damp hair behind her ear.

"Thanks for coming home."

"I'll always come home."

"You look like you're doing better," he whispered, pressing his nose to hers.

"Yeah. It was a little dark there for a while."

"At least we caught it before you started to feel it. It's always easier to pull you away before you get in the middle of it."

"Yes it is."

"I'm still watching you really close though."

"Thanks."

"You think you're going to come clean with Austin?"

"No. She doesn't need to worry. I'm fine now, I was almost fine before. I know she worries, but I don't need to give her any more to think about."

"She loves you a lot. She doesn't mind worrying."

"I know. But sometimes, there are things that I want to keep just between you and me."

"Okay. Goin' to sleep now?"

"Yeah. Tighter please."

He smiled and gave her a squeeze.

"How tight?"

"Don't let me get away."

"Never."


	266. Chapter 266

"So… what are we going to do?" Lindsay asked, hands on her hips as she looked around the quiet house. The kids were gone for the night at the Flacks for Teagan and Liam's birthday sleepover. Danny and Austin were spending time in the Bronx with their families and Mac and Jo had headed out of town for the weekend. She couldn't remember the last time that everyone was gone like this.

"Well, I could try to fix the washing machine while you stand there and laugh at me. Or we could go suffer through a few hours at the Laundromat."

Lindsay sighed and glanced over at him, grinning at his glazed over expression while read through something on the computer. His hair was a little messy and she was beginning to notice a little gray in it. He still looked the same as he always had in her heart but she couldn't ignore that the lines near his eyes were getting deeper. He wasn't really that old, but she already knew he was going to age well.

"So is that important there?"

"Huh?"

"What you're reading. Is it important?"

"Eh."

Grinning, she walked over and grabbed his chair, spinning it around and pulling him away from the computer.

"Babe, what are you doing?"

She gave a half shrug and sat down in his lap, leaning in to kiss him.

"Hmm, so you don't really want me to bother with fixing the washer?"

"I don't know," she answered, readjusting herself in the chair and kissing him again. They could have kept up like that for quite a while, if he hadn't leaned back too far, causing the chair to topple over backwards. They crashed to the floor and groaned in pain together, trying to disentangle themselves from the chair.

"Okay, so next time you get the wild idea to get frisky anywhere but the bedroom, what are you going to do?"

"Tell myself how dumb I am," Lindsay replied, finally standing up. "You okay?"

"I'm intact. We used to be good at this stuff."

"We're getting old and clumsy."

"So, wanna take this party upstairs then?"

"Nah, I'm kind of over it now. Seeing your life flash before your eyes kind of kills the mood."

He laughed and stood up too, sliding his hands into her back pockets to pull her close.

"We should probably do something about the laundry situation," he suggested. "It's piling up."

"Can you fix the washer?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, I guess it's the Laundromat then. Got quarters?"

"We can get some there. Hmm, laundry date. I can't think of anything hotter."

"Yeah, especially with the dryer on the highest setting."

He laughed and kissed her forehead then let her go.

"If you get all the kids laundry I'll go through the rest of the house and get everything else."

"Deal. Want to race?"

"Does everything have to be a competition-"

"On your mark get set go!"

She tore up the stairs and he shook his head, starting his search around the house for dirty laundry. Avery had a habit of leaving socks in weird places, so he spent quite a while checking in the couch and under the bookcases.

"I'm done with the boys room, you'd better get moving!" came a taunt from upstairs.

"Avery's room is going to take you ages!" he called back, heading up the stairs to get the bathroom towels.

"No, I made her put all her dirty laundry in the hamper this morning."

"Oh."

"Our room shouldn't take that long."

"Why?"

"Because we're grown adults who pick up our dirty laundry right away. Aren't we?"

"I'd better go up there and check."

She laughed and tossed one of Avery's shirts at his face while he went for the stairs, coming back with the clothes he'd worn yesterday.

"Okay, I think we're ready."

"Man, this is so romantic. The kids are gone for the night so we're going to go do laundry."

"Hey, part of our relationship is based on being unconventional."

"I guess that's true," she chuckled, following him down the stairs and putting all the dirty laundry into baskets. "And just think, once it's all clean, we get to fold it."

"I'm so excited."

* * *

Three medium sized washers were spinning with soap and water and Lindsay and Adam sat in the chairs across from them, almost mesmerized by the movement.

"We should trade our washer in for one of these ones."

"Hmm."

"And they only take fifteen minutes."

"Yeah."

"Linds?"

"I'm tired."

He chuckled and stood up to take the clothes out of the first washer, piling them in a rolling basket before taking them over to the dryer. He loaded them in then stood there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what type of cycle he wanted and how exactly to get it. The words had worn off the buttons and he had to try and guess which was which.

"I think it's that one," Lindsay said, coming up behind him and pressing a button in the middle.

"And what if it's not?"

"Oh well."

They stood and watched the clothes spin for a while, then went back to the washers to get the next load out.

"Hey, these are nice," Adam said, taking some lacy lingerie from the pile and holding them up. "I've never seen you wear them."

"You have seen it. You just have no use for them."

"Maybe you should wear them tonight. I'll be sure to appreciate it."

"Maybe I will. Of course you're going to have to give me something in return."

"I think I can arrange that."

She smiled and opened the last washer, reaching in to get the rest of the clothes.

"Think the kids are doing okay?"

"I think it's Flack and Jess we should worry about. Eight kids on a sugar high. I'm pretty sure Flack is crying in a corner somewhere."

"I'm not going to worry. It was their idea."

"We'll repay them sometime."

They started up the dryers then moved back to the chairs and sat quietly, looking out the window at the traffic and the city lights.

"Hey babe?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"I just want to tell you how much I love you."

"I love you too."

"How much?"

She thought for a moment before giving him a little grin.

"I love you one hundred times for every sock that has ever been lost in the wash. Ever. In the whole world, since the washing machine was invented."

"That's a lot of love, babe."

"Well yes, but it's you and how could I love you less than that?"

He grinned and leaned over to kiss her forehead, then pulled her into his arms and hugged her for a long time.

"You're amazing."

"I do my best. Hey, I bet these magazines have crossword puzzles. Do you have a pen?"

"Why would I have a pen?"

"I don't know. Because you always have random things?"

"I don't have a pen."

"Rats."

"I do have one of Ben's crayons though."

"I can't believe ya used my crayon wiffout permission!" Lindsay said in a perfect imitation of their middle child. "Dis is such a misuse of materials!"

"Where does he come up with the stuff he says?" Adam asked, finding the green crayon and handing it to her. "He's six years old, he shouldn't know the phrase 'misuse of materials,' or anything like it."

"I think he just remembers a lot of what we say. I find it funny that he said he was going to stop talking so much but he still manages to crack me up."

"Colton used to say funny things too."

"Yeah, but he was never quite as passionate about it."

"Why do we have a TV when we have the kids that we do?"

"I don't know. We should just start creating situations for them to be in and watch them try to work their way through it."

"Colton would ditch the other two and go it alone. Ben and Avery would fight and make up three or four times before they quit."

"Accurate," she laughed, turning in her chair to lean on the wall. She gave him a look and he smiled at her, motioning that she could put her feet up in his lap. "You know, this is kind of nice. Quiet, no kids."

"Yeah, it's not bad."

"Maybe the washer should break more often."

"Maybe but it's just circumstance that leaves us here without the kids. Normally they would be running around climbing into washers looking for treasure."

"These big washers would make really good cages," she said, only half joking.

He nodded and contemplated that for a minute.

"So how do you think this summer with all three of them home all the time is going to be?"

"Exhausting. We should get the boys into Scouts or something."

"I think they'd enjoy something like that. I don't know if they would love doing the same thing though."

"I'll think of something. And we're going to have to adjust work schedules again."

"You want to work more or less?"

"I think more. I feel like you do most of the working and I just get to be with the kids and not do the rest of it."

"Honey, raising the kids isn't easy."

"No, but it's fun. It's rewarding. I feel like I should be working more, like I got off easy or something."

"However much you want to work at the lab or at home, you do that. It doesn't matter to me either way."

"I think now that Avery's becoming so independent, I don't feel as guilty about leaving her. So maybe we can take the summer to think about it and see what works and then when everyone starts school again we'll know what we want to do."

He nodded and rubbed her knee thoughtfully.

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, very."

"I don't think you've ever answered that question any differently."

"I've never felt any differently."

"Good, then I'm doing my job."

"Yes you are."

He smiled and found her free hand, taking it in his and tracing the lines on her palm a few times before inspecting her fingers.

"You've got two crushes."

"What?" she asked, looking up from the puzzle. "Are you on crack?"

"When you get white lines on your fingernails, it means you have a crush. Two white lines. I assume I account for one of those, so who's the other one?"

"John Wayne, duh."

"Oh I see."

"So should I always have a white line on one of my fingernails for you? Enlighten me, how does my dead fingernail know what my heart is thinking?"

"Your heart doesn't think."

"Yes it does. Right now it still thinks you're adorable while my brain thinks you're very strange."

"No, I mean your heart doesn't hold your emotions."

"So when I say I love you with all my heart, that means nothing?"

"Well the sentiment is there."

"Sentiments are emotions."

"All I mean is that your emotions don't come from your heart. That's just where western culture places emotions. You know in some countries, they love each other with their kidneys. Or their liver."

"What point are you trying to make?"

"I don't know. How did we get on this?"

"You were staring at my fingernails."

"Oh yeah. So you have two crushes. It's your body's way of venting that feeling without acting on it."

"So people who cheat on their spouses…"

"I haven't thought it completely through."

"Are you saying that the white lines keep me from cheating on you with John Wayne?"

"Well…"

"Interestingly enough you have no white lines on your nails, which means you don't even have a crush on me. I'm hurt."

He scoffed and rolled his eyes.

"What I have for you is so much more than a crush. And why do you have to take my flippant comment and pick it apart?"

"I'm a scientist."

"So am I!"

She laughed and shook her head.

"I love you, Adam."

"I love you too."

"But with your heart?"

"Okay stop."

"I think we should do laundry more often."

* * *

Somewhere in the middle of folding laundry, stealing kisses and listening to Frank Sinatra, Lindsay curled up on the rug and fell asleep, using a stack of towels for a pillow. Adam knew she'd been tired lately, he'd seen the bags under her eyes that meant her sleep was full of dreams and she wasn't getting enough rest. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as he finished folding things, then swapped the towels for a throw pillow while he put everything away. She was still sleeping when he came back and he knelt down beside her, brushing her hair back and kissing her forehead before taking a blanket off the back of the couch and draping it over her. She stirred a little and he shushed her back to sleep, hoping she would stay that way for a while.

Quietly he went into the kitchen and turned the light on, looking through the fridge and cupboards for something he could turn into dinner. Pasta was quick and easy, and he knew there was some shrimp in the freezer that he could put in too. He found them buried in the back and tossed them in the sink to defrost, then turned on the radio and set to work.

He didn't tell anyone that he could cook well, he usually passed himself off as decent and breakfast foods and pizza, but he found it easy and soothing and Lindsay was really the only person that knew he wasn't just a man with a can and a plan. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that there were a lot of things about himself that no one knew but her. He wasn't sure if it was because he was a private person and didn't share much, or if he wasn't really aware of those things all the time, or if it was just because she'd stuck around long enough to find them out.

Dinner was done faster than he'd anticipated and he left it on the stove to stay warm while he set the table. After thinking about it for a moment he left the plates on the counter and went to the pantry, reaching up to the top shelf to find the candles. Lindsay usually set them out for holidays and had never burned them, but he figured she could always buy more later. He lit them and took them out to the living room where she was still on the floor, setting them down on the coffee table and trying not to wake her just yet. He went back into the kitchen and filled their plates, then used his elbows to turn off all the lights before setting the food down next to the candles.

"Hey sweetie," he said softly, kneeling down next to her.

"Hmm."

"I made dinner."

"Thank you," she whispered, her eyes still closed.

"You ready to wake up?"

"Mmm."

"If you sleep more now you'll toss and turn all night."

"Okay, I'm awake."

"Gotta open your eyes," he said, leaning down to kiss her.

"Okay. Why is it dark in here?"

"Candles."

"Did the power go out?"

"No, we're being fancy."

She gave a soft laugh and sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"You're not kidding," she grinned, looking at the plates of food. "Did you plan this?"

"No, but I seize every opportunity to woo you."

"Whoo-hoo."

They sat down together and ate slowly, whispering and laughing, taking the time that they were so rarely afforded. He watched the way her eyes turned golden in the candlelight, she cherished the feeling of his warm hand resting in her lap. He found ice-cream for dessert but they only made it partway through the bowl before she pushed it away and leaned on his shoulder with a yawn.

"Thanks for dinner, honey."

"You're welcome."

"And for finishing the laundry."

"Anytime."

"And letting me sleep."

"You looked pretty cute."

"You're wonderful, do you know that?"

"Only because you're worth it."

"I don't do nearly as much for you as you do for me."

"You still love me every day. That's a lot."

"It's not hard."

"Neither was making dinner. We're married so we're even. Okay?"

"Wanna go to bed?"

"Nope."

"You really-"

He silenced her with a kiss and slid his hand back to cradle her head as he moved them gently down to the floor.

"I thought we veto'ed this earlier."

"We can't fall off the floor. I think we're good."

"I won't argue with that."

"So does Austin have some kind of radar," he started, handing her the ringing phone. "That tells her when we're about to get busy and she calls to stop us so she doesn't have to hear about it later?"

"First, I don't tell her all that. Not every time anyway. And second, get busy? Who are you, Sean Paul?"

"Don't answer the phone."

"She'll call back if I don't."

"Fine, talk through this," he threatened, leaning down to kiss her neck.

"H-Hey Aust. What's up?"

"We escaped from the parentals earlier than anticipated and we thought you guys might want to go do dinner and a movie."

"We already did d-dinner."

"Are you stuttering?"

"No. No, I'm fine, I just… um… I think we're going to pass."

"Okay just last week you were saying that the four of us don't do anything without the kids anymore and now we are kidless and you're saying no?"

"No, I'm just… hold on a sec."

She covered the phone and pushed Adam's head up so she could look at him.

"Do you want a raincheck?"

"Are you serious right now?"

"We haven't done anything with them in a long time… we can put this off for a few hours, can't we?"

"So we could hang out with them for a while then come back and do this, or we could do this for a while and then do it again. Which one are you going to pick? Babe, we have no kids right now. We can do whatever, wherever."

"Fine, you talk to her then," she said, handing him the phone.

"Hey Austin, we like you guys and all but I was planning on spending the evening with my wife and only my wife, if you know what I mean."

"You two are like rabbits. Come see a movie with us, please? You can do the other thing any old time. Besides, we're arguing about what to see and we need tie-breakers."

"You know, you should have been a lawyer."

"I hate studying."

"Okay we'll meet you there in half an hour."

"Thanks!"

He hung up the phone and put it back on the table, giving Lindsay a look when she smiled at him.

"We'd better get going."

"Oh no, woman. I said half an hour to give us a little time."

She laughed as he leaned down to start the process again.

"Adam you're so romantic."

* * *

"I want nachos and a slushie and a box of Mike and Ikes," Lindsay listed, looking up at the menu board.

"I made you dinner!"

"Yeah, but that was over an hour ago."

Adam just sighed at her and went to stand in line with Danny while Austin giggled.

"You two had a quickie, didn't you?"

"So what if we did?"

"You're like teenagers."

"We can't help it, we like each other."

"That's better than hating each other. Go forth and fornicate."

"I can't believe you just said that."

"I'm feeling sassy today. Anyway, Flack called right before you guys got here. He said the kids all went to bed without arguing so we don't need to worry anymore."

"I still can't believe they wanted all the kids at once."

"You know Flack and Jess, they'll do anything to make their kids happy."

"That's true. They're brave."

"I was thinking we should take their kids some night and give them a break."

"Maybe next week."

"Okay girls we had to get the food so we get to pick the seats," Danny announced, handing a soda to Austin.

"Since when is that a rule?" Lindsay whined, knowing the guys would both go for nothing further back than the fifth row.

"Since forever, Montana. You two've just been too busy gettin' busy to come with us."

"See, he uses that phrase too!" Adam exclaimed, holding the theater door open. "Don't you ever mock me again."

"Alright babe, whatever."

The found seats near the front and settled in, Danny and Austin arguing over the amount of butter and salt on their popcorn and who always drank more of the soda.

"See Adam, aren't you glad we came?"

"Yes I am."

"I'm glad I married you. I could have ended up with a guy that chews his popcorn kernels," she teased, pointing at Danny.

"What a caveman."

"Hey Lin, can I have some of your Mike and Ikes? I'll give you some Good and Plenty's."

"I'll trade you one Mike for a Plenty."

"Done."

The girls made the swap and fell into conversation until the previews started.

"So babe, don't laugh at me if I get scared during this," Lindsay whispered, wrinkling her nose because Adam had finished her nachos when she wasn't looking.

"I won't, as long as you don't laugh at me if I get scared."

"It's a deal."

The lights dimmed more and the movie started, turning out to not be nearly as frightening as the trailers had made it out to be. Danny amused everyone in the theater by screaming in odd places and letting out a huge howl when Austin got fed up and dumped the ice from their empty soda on his lap. It was still a good night, and made them all think of the times before they had kids, when they could stay out late and do whatever they wanted.

"You guys want to grab dessert?" Danny asked as they left the theater, kicking the half melted ice-cubes under the seat so people wouldn't slip on them.

"No, I'm stuffed. I think I'm going to go home and sleep it off."

Neither Danny nor Austin noticed the look that Adam shot his wife.

"Okay then, but next time we're all sans kids, no flaking out early."

"It's a plan. 'Night guys."

Adam grabbed Lindsay's hand and they walked across the parking lot to the car. He held the door for her and she giggled at his chivalry, giving him a wink.

"Now, no more distractions," he said in the most stern voice he could muster as he started the car. "Is that clear?"

"Absolutely. Without protest."

"Good. Now, how fast do you think I can drive home?"


	267. Chapter 267

"No, I'm going to drive this time because last time you drove and parked like ten miles away from where we were going."

"I'm driving because I'm the man."

"Flack, you're not a man, you're a boy. I'm driving."

"You go ask my wife if I am a boy or a man, Grace. She'll let you know."

"Right. Gimme the keys, Duck."

"I don't think so."

"Well I do think so and it's also your turn to buy coffee."

"How do you figure that?" Flack asked, his voice raising an octave while he held the keys just out of her grasp.

"Because. Now gimme those keys."

"Jump."

"You really are a boy," Austin muttered, swiping her hair out of her face. "Why do I put up with you?"

"You have to."

"Yeah well someday I am ditching you on the side of the road."

"Right, like that is incentive for me to give you the keys."

Austin wrinkled her nose and put her hands on her hips, spying Adam coming into the precinct, his hands full of files.

"Hey Dum, make Flack give me the car keys."

"If I held that kind of power, what makes you think I would use it for you?"

"Well… but… why is everyone against me today?"

"Why not?" Adam countered with a shrug, handing the files over to the clerk to be taken to the appropriate place for signatures.

"You know, you're really-"

The door burst open and a teenage girl stumbled through, her arms around her stomach as she tried to stay upright.

"Please help me," she said, swaying on the spot as they all rushed over to her. Adam caught her right before she fell, half dragging her into one of the chairs. She had cuts and bruises all over her face and despite the fact that her whole body weight was resting against him, she was very wispy and slight.

"No, not here. She's coming. She'll find me."

"Who'll find you?" Austin asked, crouching down in front of the girl.

"Mom. Please help me."

"Let's take her back, get her out of the hallway," Flack suggested.

They managed to stand the girl up and help her walk across the bullpen and into an interview room where they got her a chair. She sat down and pulled her legs up to her chest, breathing heavily and looking at them for the first time.

"What's your name?" Austin asked, grabbing a chair and moving it over to the same side of the table.

"N-Natalie."

"How old are you, Natalie?"

"I'm twelve. Please don't make me go home!"

"You need to tell us what's going on," Adam said softly. It was very obvious to both him and Austin what had happened, but they needed her to say it or she would legally have to go back home.

"My mom. She hits me."

"Okay," Austin said softly, knowing that they would need to wait to get a statement. Flack bowed out of the room to call CPS and Austin scooted her chair closer, reaching out to take the girls hand. "We're going to get you some help. You can relax for a bit."

Natalie took a deep breath and loosened her arms from around her legs, but didn't let go completely.

"I got away," she whispered, staring at her hands. "I got away. She opened the door for the landlord and I just ran. I kept running until I knew where I was. She brought me here before. Told me that if I didn't stop being Satan's child, I would end up here. Jail is better than with her."

Austin and Adam exchanged glances, they both knew the feeling all too well.

"You're not going to go to jail, Natalie."

"Where will I go? I don't want to go back home."

"I'm not sure yet. We'll get it figured out."

They sat with her for quite a while, trying to calm her down and keep her mind off of what had happened. She told them about school and her friends, things she liked to do and the book she was reading. It wasn't long until her voice stopped quavering and she was able to look up at them as she talked, showing off just how badly injured her face was. Austin fell into silence and Adam took over the conversation, sensing that this was getting to be too much for her.

The door opened again and an older lady entered, introducing herself as Gloria, a CPS worker. Austin and Adam stayed in the room for a few minutes until Natalie looked like she was at ease, then left to watch through the two-way mirror.

"You okay?" Adam asked, squeezing Austin's shoulder as they stood there.

"I'm fine. Gloria's really good, I've never seen one of her kids slip through the cracks."

"That's good."

"I had to have someone else rescue me," Austin said after a while, her arms crossed over her chest. "She saved herself."

"Austin."

"I know we're different, but I can't help but think about that."

"It doesn't matter how you got out," Adam assured, sliding his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. "All that matters is that you're here now. You're safe and you're not your father."

"I know that. I hardly ever think about it except when something like this happens."

"Me neither."

"She'll be okay. I'll make sure."

"I know you will. I will too."

Suddenly she turned and hugged him tightly, her jaw clenching as she tried to keep from crying.

"No matter what we do, it still happens. No matter how horrific the world sees it, it still happens. Why does it still happen, Adam?"

"I don't know. We just have to do our best. Keep looking, keep trying."

"I need to do more," she said quietly, stepping out of his arms and wiping her eyes. "I just can't stand here and be upset about it."

"Then let's go do more."

* * *

The mood around the dinner table that night was somber despite the laughter of the kids as they swapped chairs and plates of food. Austin and Adam were both preoccupied with thoughts of Natalie, who had been sent to the hospital with a broken wrist, something that neither one of them had noticed. She'd been placed temporarily with a foster family, but it wasn't certain that she would remain safe there. Her mother claimed that Natalie had hurt herself in an attempt to get out of the house, that she was a wild child, not to be trusted. No one believed it, but legally, claims on both sides had to be investigated.

After a while Austin stood silently from the table and went out to the front porch alone, her mind obviously anywhere else than dinner. The kids didn't seem to notice, just kept chattering away, but all the adults exchanged looks.

"Did she talk to you when she came home?" Adam asked after a moment of quiet.

"She told me but she didn't talk about it," Danny replied with a shrug. "Sometimes it takes her a day or two. She say anything to you, Flack?"

"Nah. Just went down and beat the punching bag around for a while. She's got more on her mind than this."

"Daddy! Binyin said him and Colton sneaked outta their beds last night to watch a scary movie that they weren't supposed to watch!"

"Did you just squeal on them, son?"

"Guess so."

"Colton," Lindsay started, knowing it had been his idea. "Did that really happen?"

"Yes," he admitted. "But me and Ben learned our lesson because we were scared all night long."

"Is that why you slept in Avery's bed with her?"

"That wasn't because of scared," Ben clarified, shaking his head. "That was outta protectin' sissy from the things what could get her."

Flack and Jess both snorted laughs and Ben crossed his arms over his chest.

"It was what we was raised to do. Protect the ladies. Didn't you feel protected, sissy?"

Avery made a face and shook her head.

"No. I feel hot. Huggin' me so most all the night," she sighed dramatically, pulling the back of her hand across her forehead. "Brothers."

Sarah giggled and patted Avery's shoulder.

"Well at least they love you, Averylin."

"Oh yes. Least that. Hey Teagan! Liam loves you?"

Teagan nodded and smiled.

"Yep, and he does whatever I say too!"

"That's my girl," Jess said proudly, leaning over the table to give her daughter a high-five while Flack and Liam rolled their eyes.

"I'm going to go check on Austin," Lindsay said quietly, catching Adam's eye before standing up from the table. He gave a little nod and she made her way to the front porch, grabbing a blanket off the couch first because it had been windy and cold all day.

"Hey Goose," she greeted, joining Austin on the porch swing and putting the blanket over both of them.

"Hey."

"You good?"

Austin shook her head and found Lindsay's hand, holding it tightly while she tried not to cry.

"I'm not doing enough Lin. I can't stop it from happening."

"Your job isn't to stop it. The most you can do is be there to make it better later. You're one person, Austin."

"Don't try to make me feel better. What I'm saying is that after all this time, after what happened to me years ago, I haven't made anything of it. All that pain and I still didn't use it to change the world. I squandered it."

"Austin, what did you expect yourself to do?"

"Start a foundation or pass a law or… just something."

"I love you and I think you're incredible, but you are not a superhero."

"I want to do something."

"Then I want to help you. What do we do?"

"I don't know. The fact of the matter is that it's not something you can stop before it happens. It has to happen at least once, someone has to find out about it and report it. We need harsher laws, we need a tighter system, and we need more people to realize what the problem is and how bad it is. People don't understand that. We need education and… it's just such a big problem, Lin."

"I know that. It's not going to change overnight, we might never see much change, but we can start something."

"I need a plan."

"Hey. We all do. You're not going it alone. Never again."

"Thanks."

They sat quietly for a few minutes longer as the sun went down and the crickets came out.

"Hey Lin?"

"Yeah?"

"You guys are going to Montana in July still, right?"

"Yeah."

"Can we go with you?"

"Sure."

"Good. I think I need to get away for a bit and breathe."

"I know the feeling."

"We'd better go back inside. Wasn't fair to leave Jess alone with the guys and the kids."

"No, it wasn't," Jess said from the doorway, her arms over her chest. "They're animals. Room for me?"

"Sure."

She sat down with them and they all giggled as the rearranging made the swing creak.

"Are the guys cleaning up in there or are they sitting around hoping we do it?"

"They made the kids clean up. So basically we will be cleaning up again shortly."

"I suppose that's life."

"We should just continue to sit out here and ignore it. How do you guys do this every week? It's so loud and… messy."

"We're used to it," Lindsay answered with a little laugh. "We kind of go crazy if we don't do it."

"And all our kids are loud and messy anyway, so we might as well contain the mess to just one house instead of two."

"Don't you think they're worse together? I mean, Avery poured her milk all over her dinner just because Isa mentioned it."

"Maybe so, but at least she still finished her dinner. And they were all happy together so I guess we can't begrudge them that."

Jess laughed and shook her head.

"You are very brave women."

"Thanks for noticing."

* * *

Adam woke up the next morning before the alarm and found that Lindsay was laying directly on top of him, holding on tightly as she slept. He wondered if it was because she'd had a nightmare, but she usually retreated to her side of the bed if that was the case, wrapping her arms around herself and shivering in her sleep. He stroked her hair back from her face and her nose twitched a little but she didn't wake up. Carefully, he moved just a little to get more comfortable, pulling the blankets up so just her head was peeking out the top. She sighed and her eyes opened, then closed for a second, then opened again.

"Hey. What brings you here this fine morning?"

She smiled and moved so she could look at him.

"I dunno. Just wanted you."

"Hmm," he said softly before rolling them over so they were next to each other. "You wanted me, huh?"

"I was worried about you. Because of yesterday. You okay?"

"I'm okay. I'm not happy, but I'm okay."

She nodded and sleepily traced her fingers over his chest while he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Austin told me last night that she feels like being a cop isn't enough," he said after a moment.

"I know. She wants to save the world and she feels guilty that she can't."

"We all do."

"I know, but we realize it's not our faults. She doesn't. She feels as if it's a personal shortcoming that she can't change the minds and hearts of millions of people."

"She thinks she hasn't tried hard enough."

"She wouldn't be thinking about it if yesterday hadn't happened."

"Yes she would be."

"Do you think about it?"

"Yeah. A lot. It's not something I can fix, and it's hard to accept that. All I can do is my best and that's not nearly enough."

"I guess I just don't understand."

"Understand what?"

"Why you two feel like it's your duty to stop it. Like you have some kind of special insight and you should be able to keep it from happening in every home, all over the world."

"Honey-"

"I can't stop psychopaths from going on killing sprees. Should I be able to because that's what happened to me?"

"Of course not."

"Why is it different for you two then? I'm not saying that advocating is a waste of time or that we shouldn't do all we can to change things. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is that when you have done everything that you can, when you have made a career of preventing crime and bringing about justice and when you have broken free of what your fathers did to you, sometimes you have to accept that you cannot do anything better and making yourself feel guilty is just letting them win."

"I understand."

"I hate watching both of you run yourselves down over something like this. All you can do right now is help Natalie. You can't knock down every door in the city to make sure it isn't happening to someone else."

"Lindsay, I know. But that doesn't stop my heart from breaking every time I hear about another one."

"I know. I wouldn't want that to change."

He sighed and tucked her up under his chin, holding her close for a while before he said anything.

"Lindsay, this is going to be something I always carry around. I might not think about it every day, it probably won't influence every action, but it will always be there. I know that I can't fix it, but I can do my best. The guilt comes on days when I realized I haven't. Sometimes something happens, like Natalie yesterday and I can't help but think that maybe that could have been prevented somehow, but it wasn't because I didn't do my part."

"Adam, you didn't even know her."

"But I didn't help to educate teachers on warning signs. I didn't push for hospitals to evaluate the parents mental health before taking a baby home. There is very little I could have done, but I didn't even do that."

"Okay, I understand that."

"I'm sorry that I come with baggage."

"Hey, if I'm not allowed to apologize for mine, you can't apologize for yours."

"Here's to hoping that we don't saddle our kids with any."

"Amen. Speaking of the kids, it's almost seven and I haven't heard any of them yet. Do you think they're actually sleeping in?" she asked, her eyes going wide.

"I don't know, but don't say that too loud or-"

"Mama! Daddy! Time to play!"

Their door flew open and there stood Avery with her hair sticking up and her hands on her hips.

"Come along, we will play tea party. Daddy, you be Queen of England."

"I can't play tea party honey, I have to get ready for work."

"Mama, you play with me? I a fun girl!"

"I know you're a fun girl. It's almost time to get the boys up and ready for school though."

Avery sighed and climbed onto the bed, wiggling her way between them.

"Okay, then time for snuggles and kisses for Avery. Go ahead."

"You just want us to lavish you with love and attention."

"Lavish? That a snack?"

"Averylin, you are so, so silly."

"Know that. Thank you, daddy."

* * *

"Hey Messer, you leaving?" Adam asked, leaning on the side of Austin's desk while she made faces at the stack of papers in front of her.

"Yeah, pretty soon. Why?"

"I thought we'd go and visit Natalie. Make sure she's doing okay, maybe bring her a little present or something."

"You thought of that?"

"Always the tone of surprise."

"No, I just mean… I don't know, I guess I'm not all that surprised. Are we even allowed to go over there?"

"I called Gloria to be sure. It's a good home she's in, Austin. Older couple that have been foster parents for over forty years. Nice neighborhood, but she can go to her same school when she's ready."

"Did Gloria say anything about the charges?"

"She said that Natalie's been to the emergency room seven times in the last year, always because of some "accident." No one ever put the pieces together because it's been different doctors every time, and a few different hospitals. They're building a case and she sounds hopeful, but it's going to be a long process."

"Are they looking for family to take Natalie in?"

"They did. There's an uncle in Florida, but he's older and not doing so well medically. Natalie wants to go stay with him, but I think he's too sick. We'll see what happens."

"I just remembered that you stayed in a foster home for a while."

"Just three days," he confirmed, holding her jacket out for her.

"Was it a bad one?"

"No, I got lucky. The lady was a nurse at the hospital so she was able to take care of me pretty well while I recovered, and her husband was a comic book artist, so you can imagine how much I wanted to stay there."

Austin chuckled and shook her head.

"I'm glad there's some good ones out there."

"Me too."

She followed him out of the precinct and to the car where she buckled in and propped her feet up on the dashboard and leaned back into the seat. It had been a long day and she'd managed to keep most of the thoughts out of her head, but now that things were slowing down, it was creeping back in.

"Linds said you guys might come to Montana with us."

"Yeah, I think it would be fun. I just have to convince Danny. I think if we can go fishing he'll be okay with it."

"There was something mentioned about camping."

"Does she really want to take that on? Imagine me camping. Imagine Sarah camping."

He laughed.

"Little miss perfection spending three days in the dirt."

"Not to mention being denied access to a proper bathroom. I can't believe I have such a prissy child."

"She'll be so polite about it that she won't complain, but the dirt under her nails might freak her out."

"She's been getting better about letting loose. I think she has to in order to keep up with Avery."

"They're quite the pair."

Austin grinned and reached over to turn the air on, closing her eyes as they drove. She hadn't slept well the night before, spending a few hours roaming the loft, laying down with each of the kids in turn, just to be close to them for a while. It helped to ease her mind but it didn't help her to rest.

"Why are we going to Wal-Mart?"

"I said we'd get something for Natalie."

"Oh yeah. Like what?"

"I don't know. What do twelve year old girls like?"

"I was never a twelve year old girl, Adam."

"What were you?"

"An enigma."

He laughed and they got out of the car, heading into the store and grabbing a cart on the way.

"So candy would be a good idea," Austin started. "And maybe some socks or nail polish or something. You should have asked Danny, he was way more of a girl than I was."

"Could we just buy her an iPod or something?"

"Right, and listen to six kids whine because we got some stranger an iPod and they have to share our old ones?"

"You know that makes it sound like we have six kids together."

"Ew, go walk in another aisle."

"What? I could be in your league!"

"Yeah, but I would never get pregnant six times! This body doesn't just happen!"

"It must because no amount of exercise could work off all the crap you eat."

"It's not polite to talk about my eating habits!"

"Lindsay secretly hates you for it."

"Lindsay eats way more than I do and she exercises less so… dude, you're just trying to annoy me!"

"And it worked."

She pushed his arm and stalked off down the middle aisle towards the electronics section.

"Adam, five dollar movies!"

He chuckled and followed her over to the dump bin, realizing this trip was about to take a lot longer than he'd planned.

"Ah yes, _The Breakfast Club_. It's all smashed in there though. Look, _E.T._!"

"We're going to be standing here for hours."

"You and me and our love for B-List movies on the cheap might be a recipe for disas- look five dollar CD's!"

She dashed off across the aisle and he rolled his eyes, gathering a pile of movies in his hands that he was sure the kids would like.

"Hey I found that movie she wanted, and it's not all smashed."

Adam looked up to find another customer rifling through the bin, holding up the old movie.

"Huh?"

"Your wife, she was looking at this one."

"Oh no, she's not my wife," he said as Austin walked back her arms loaded down with CD's that she probably already had. "She's my sister."

"Oh you too? Ew!"

She took the movie and disappeared down an aisle while Adam shook his head.

"I wouldn't have nearly enough patience for her," he muttered, walking over to where she stood looking at the shoes.

"Austin."

"They're zebra striped."

"They would not be functional at work or running or chasing the kids and did you know you will be six inches taller than Danny if you wear those?"

"I will be more able to accurately record the growth of his bald patch."

Adam burst into laughter that made him snort.

"Austin, I love you."

"I could even measure your bald patch!"

"Hey! I don't have a bald patch, you take that back."

"Well maybe I wouldn't call it a patch yet, but it's thinning a little."

"That's enough. We're on a mission, stop fooling around."

"Yes, Captain."

They spent another half hour in the store, picking out a few things they thought Natalie might like, then waited in line for fifteen more minutes. Austin got impatient and started picking at the impulse items, putting them in the wrong spot or turning them upside down until Adam pulled her away and made her load all their purchases onto the conveyor belt.

"You're mean."

"Yeah, I know."

By the time they got out the door they'd started bickering and shoving each other like they really were siblings. She stole the keys from him while he put their bags in the back and she'd already picked music once he buckled himself in.

"Hey Austin?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm always on your side. You know that right?"

"I know."

"So when you need me…"

"Thanks."


	268. Chapter 268

"Ben, you can't wear your swim trunks to a baseball game."

"But why not?" he questioned, tipping his head to the side and wrinkling his nose. "The sprinklers might come on and we could run through them."

"Ben, you have to wear underwear to a baseball game," Colton said, patting his shoulder. "You don't want your baseballs hanging out."

Ben looked at him confusedly while Lindsay buried her face in her hands.

"What baseballs? I don't got any! I got some ping-pong balls though! Should I bring 'em?"

Colton shrieked with laughter while Lindsay shook her head and handed Ben a more appropriate outfit.

"Why are you laughin' at me, Cole?"

"Someday when you're older, you'll understand."

"Colton, I don't think that was appropriate."

"Well maybe not, but it was funny!"

Lindsay rolled her eyes and fixed the collar on Ben's shirt.

"Boys."

"Look at me!" Avery said, dancing into the room. "I got new outfit!"

"Wow sissy, you're sure sparkly! Are you excited 'bout your tumblin' thing today?"

"Yes. I sad only daddy can go."

"How come mama can't go Aves?"

"Not 'nough room for most big people. We pick one."

"And since I take Avery to most of her classes, we thought it was fair that daddy got to take her today."

"Daddy say we have fancy lunch after! Where you boys go?"

"We're going to a baseball game and stuff with Danny and Junior," Colton answered, tying his shoes.

"Oh. Mama, you be with Austin?"

"No, she's taking Sarah to a recital today."

"Oh. Then… you be with Isa?"

"Yep, I guess it will be just me and Isa."

"What will you do?" Avery asked curiously, her forehead wrinkling as she tried to grab a loose thread on her leotard.

"I don't know. We'll figure something out. Are you guys all ready to go?"

"Yep! C'mon Cole, let's go wait on the porch!"

The boys thundered down the stairs and Avery followed them, singing shrilly at the top of her lungs and fluffing her hair with every step.

"Daddy, we go soon?" she asked, hitting the bottom step and crouching down to fix her shoe. "I ready."

"Yeah, it's about time. I'll get your jacket if you give mama a kiss goodbye."

"Okay. Mama c'mere!"

Lindsay laughed and crouched down to hug her daughter, kissing both of her cheeks a few times. Ever since their trip to Montana, being away from Avery had been a lot harder than normal.

"Have fun today okay honey?"

"I do. Daddy say he make video for you see."

"That's a good deal. I love you, sweetie."

"Love you too mama! See you later!"

She took Adam's hand and they left the house together while the boys ran excitedly around the living room, spinning their hats on their fingers.

"Are you guys going to be good for Danny?"

"Of course mama! We're always good."

"Just a little rowdy!" Ben added, running to the front door. "I think I seen them drive up!"

He flung the door open and Junior barreled into to him, knocking them both to the floor.

"Binyin! My dad said we get to run the bases after! It's my lifelong dream!"

"I can't wait to share that moment with you Dunner. But for now could you get off me? I can't breathe on account of you're a fatty."

"Ben, you're fatter than Junior," Colton laughed, helping the boys to their feet. "C'mon let's go get in the- Sarah? What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"My ma can't do my hair right!" Sarah sniffled, hiccupping as she stood in the doorway. "And she tried and tried and now my head hurts and I don't want to dance today!"

Colton sighed and put his arm around her shoulders.

"It's okay Sarah. Maybe your ma just needs a short break from doing hair, and when you are both calm, it will be better."

"Okay."

"I think your hair looks pretty anyway."

"Thanks, Colton Matthew."

She walked over to the couch and sat down, pulling her legs up underneath her but making sure her Converse didn't get on the couch.

"Boys, you ready to go? We're takin' the train."

There were whoops and hollers from all three boys before they drug Danny back out the front door and towards their day of baseball.

"Okay, I brought brushes and clips and hairties and all the other crap we have in the drawer in the bathroom, and you are going to do Sarah's hair because I can just not handle it anymore," Austin announced handing an old grocery sack to Lindsay.

"I can try. Isa's hair looks good."

"I know, I did hers first. I really should have thought that through."

"I see. Sarah love, how would you like your hair?"

"Up," Sarah sniffled.

"Okay. Would you like it up in a braid or up in a bun, or combed to the front of your head like a unicorn?"

Sarah giggled at that and sat down on the coffee table, as that was where she usually sat when Lindsay performed emergency hair care.

"I'd like a bun, the one with the ribbon in it please."

"Okay."

Lindsay made quick work of Sarah's hair and soon Sarah and Austin were headed out the door to the recital.

"So, what would you like to do today gorgeous?"

Isa gave a little shrug and climbed onto the couch, inspecting the ends of her braided hair.

"All the other kids get to do something fun and special today."

"Hey now. Who is this magnificent creature sitting next to you?"

Isa snorted a little laugh and crawled into Lindsay's lap, sitting there for several minutes before she said anything.

"Indy, am I mean?"

"Mean? Who said you were mean?"

"Well… Colton. He wasn't saying it because he was mad, he was just telling me that sometimes other kids think I am mean. But I'm not a bully am I?"

"No honey. I think sometimes you say things before you think about them, that's all. I know in this family we all tease each other a lot and sometimes we say mean things in a teasing way. I think that a lot of people just don't get our sense of humor."

"I'm not mean?"

"No honey. We just need to work on your filter from your brain to your mouth."

"That's what my ma said too!"

"She's had experience. She and I both worked on our filters together."

Isa giggled.

"Can we do something fun today?"

"Sure. What do you have in mind?"

"I don't know. Just something that you didn't do with the other kids."

"Hmm. Well I need to go to the store to get stuff for when we all go camping."

"Like what kind of stuff?"

"I need a new lantern and some tent tarps."

"Okay. I've never gone to a place like that before."

"Then that's where we'll go. And maybe we'll just have to pick something up for a fancy lunch later too."

"You're gonna spoil me rotten because you feel bad that I got left out?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

"My dad is going to kill you," Isa giggled, looking at herself in the mirror. "He only lets me do this with Kool-aid."

"He won't kill me, it washes out."

Isa grinned widely at the random strands of bright purple hair that were the result of an impulse buy at the drugstore when they went in for candy bars. Isa had only remarked that she liked the bright purple color and before she knew it, Lindsay had tossed the box into the basket with a grin.

"I look awesome," Isa conceded, as Lindsay used hair spray to adhere the color to her hair. "Maybe when my ma sees how good this looks, she'll let me do it for real."

"There will be plenty of time for fake hair, darlin'."

"Indy! What are you doin'?"

"There was some leftover," Lindsay shrugged, starting the quick process on one strand of her own hair. "You've inspired me."

Isa laughed delightedly as Lindsay finished up her own hair and they both checked out their new but temporary looks in the mirror.

"None of the other kids have done this before. And none of them got to pick out their very first pocket knife either."

"Remember, that pocket knife is just for a keepsake."

"I know, Indy."

"Good. Now, dessert and a movie?"

"Okay! I'm still kind of full from lunch but when has that ever stopped us?"

"Oh Isa, we've trained you well."

"Yep. Can we have cake?"

"We'll have to make one, is that okay?"

"Yep! Chocolate?"

"I think I have everything for it."

Isa grinned and led the way downstairs, humming happily to herself as she threw open cupboards and drawers. She couldn't remember the last time she'd gotten to cook with her Indy; it was something all the kids fought over doing, and Isa was the least likely to whine about it to have a turn.

"Let's see, I'm sure there's a recipe here somewhere," Lindsay said, flipping through her rarely used recipe box. "There we go. My grandmas chocolate cake."

"Ooh, yum. And it has fudge in the name!"

"Yep. Let's see, looks like you've gotten everything out that we need except for a couple things."

"Can we use the mixer? I like to watch it."

"Sure. You go ahead and do that and I'll make dinner."

"What?"

"It's okay, just follow the recipe."

"But… Indy I've never made a cake before! The only ones my ma makes come in a box and I even screwed that one up once because I didn't know to crack the egg and… I can't cook a cake!"

"Sure you can. Just follow the directions."

"But… but… what if it tastes bad?"

"It won't taste bad if you follow the rules. Just read through them a time or two and let me know if you have questions. Should we put on some music?"

Isa sighed, resigned to her fate while Lindsay turned the music on and began to gather ingredients for dinner. She wasn't sure about this, she knew that wasting ingredients wouldn't be good and she'd heard from both her grandmas about their cakes falling in the oven and becoming as hard as a rock, and if they made mistakes when baking, certainly she would too.

Taking a deep breath, she started with the first instructions, carefully measuring the dry ingredients and mixing them together with a wooden spoon while Lindsay stood at the other end of the kitchen island, putting together a pan of lasagna for dinner.

"Indy, am I doing okay?"

"Yep, looks good to me. Let me know when it's time to use the mixer and I'll show you how."

"How do I whisk?"

"With this whisk. Make sure that you break the egg yolks."

"I haven't put the eggs in yet. I can't. I don't know how."

"Okay, I'll show you one and then you can do the next one."

"But what if I get shells in it?"

"We'll crack them over another bowl so any mistakes don't fall into the cake. How's that?"

"Okay."

"You're going to tap the egg gently against the bowl a couple times first. See how the shell is cracked but it's still held together by that thin film?"

"Yeah. What is that?"

"Egg parts," Lindsay answered simply with a shrug. "Now you carefully press your thumbs in and pull the shell apart. Ready to try?"

"Okay."

Isa held the egg and tapped it gently on the side of the bowl until it cracked just right. In her excitement she plunged her thumbs into the egg, almost scrambling it before cracking the shell all the way open.

"Well that's one way to do it," Lindsay chuckled. "And look, no shell pieces. Go ahead and do the third one and then wash your hands."

Isa obeyed, feeling a lot better about the whole thing as she dried her hands and went back to the cake.

"So now I have to mix the wet stuff and the dry stuff together."

"Okay. Did you stir the dry stuff already?"

"Yep. So do I pour the wet stuff in?"

"We're going to turn the mixer on and let the dry stuff mix for a minute and then we'll slowly mix in the wet stuff. Want me to do this part?"

"Okay, I'll watch."

Lindsay mixed everything together until they had a nice smooth cake batter, then poured it into the pan that was sitting in wait. Isa licked her lips absentmindedly, grinning when Lindsay handed her the spatula to enjoy.

"Mm, this is going to be really good cake Indy. Too bad my birthday already passed or we could do candles and frosting."

"We can still do frosting. It only takes a little while to make and the cake has to cook for an hour anyway."

"Okay."

"Why don't you go pick out a movie and I'll clean up in here."

"I can clean up! You can finish making dinner and I can clean up."

"Alright sweetie."

Isa set to work rinsing all the bowls and cups she'd used, humming along with the old Montgomery Gentry song on the radio and feeling quite accomplished and proud. The fact that Lindsay had trusted her to make a cake was a great boost to her ego and was especially helpful since she'd been feeling so unimportant lately. She and Sarah weren't getting along, Daniel didn't think she was a superhero anymore, and no matter how much she and Colton loved each other, they were growing up and didn't spend as much time together as they once had. There were some days that she went to bed feeling terrible, and some mornings when she woke up feeling worse. Austin had assured her that it was normal and temporary and she could feel however she felt and that was okay, but Isa didn't like change very much, and she often wished she could go back to being a little kid.

"Okay kiddo. I'm all set. Ready to watch a movie?"

"Yep! Do I get to pick?"

"Absolutely."

"Sweet! I know just which one."

A few minutes later they were curled up on the couch watching _My Girl_, yawning from their long day while Lindsay spun Isa's long and purple hair around her finger.

"Hey Indy?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I'm glad that I got left behind today."

"Me too."

* * *

With the late afternoon sun peeking in the windows, all six kids were happy to be reunited once again. There had been jealous proclamations and admirations about Isa's hair, especially from Avery who had requested green hair, very soon. The boys reenacted the entire baseball game, including their run around the bases and how Ben had gotten sick from the running and cotton candy and had thrown up right on home plate. Isa shook her head and put her arm around Ben's shoulders at this, telling him that she knew the feeling and it was nothing to be embarrassed about. He gave her a half smile and sat down on the couch while Avery took her turn, telling about her special tumbling class and how Adam had taken her out for lunch afterwards, and then to a movie. Sarah was a little quieter about her recital, reporting that everything had gone as expected and she'd been happy to dance.

"Well I made a cake all by myself," Isa said after a moment.

"Wow a cake? Really Isa? Could we eat it?" Ben asked hopefully, despite his earlier stomach problems.

"Indy said after dinner, but me and her already shared a piece and it was very good. And Indy got me such a cool thing today but it is just mine and no one is allowed to use it, not even ma and daddy, but I will show you guys okay?"

They all gathered around her tightly while she pulled the pocket knife out carefully.

"I'm not allowed to take it out of the house and I can't use it until Indy teaches me all the safety stuff, but isn't it pretty cool?"

They ooh'ed and ahh'ed for a few minutes, then went into the dining room where their parents were sitting around the table deep in discussion.

"This sure don't look good," Colton said, pulling up a chair next to Adam. "What's going on?"

"Isabeth, we need you to stay in here while the rest of the kids go play."

Colton started to stand up but Adam put a hand on his shoulder, keeping him in the chair.

"Are we in trouble?" Isa asked once the rest of the kids had filed out of the room. She'd backed up into the corner and crossed her arms over her chest, not in defiance, but as a stance of protection.

"Come sit down honey, you're not in trouble. There's just something that we need to talk to you kids about."

Isa sat down next to Colton and he reached under the table for her hand, lacing their fingers together.

"We just wanted to tell you guys that we've all decided that tonight's sleepover is going to be the last one," Danny said, unsure of how to start and just jumping in the middle.

"What?" Isa exploded, standing up from the table. "That's not fair!"

"Sweetie, sit down so we can talk about this."

Wrinkling her nose, Isa sat down again and Colton squeezed her hand.

"We know you guys love each other," Austin tried, taking a deep breath. "And we know that you're best friends and you have a special relationship and that's good. We want you two to always have that."

"But you're getting older now," Lindsay continued, making eye contact with Isa because she knew Colton was going to be a lot more apt to understand what they were saying. "And we just feel like it's not appropriate for you guys to keep having sleepovers anymore."

"But why? That's what best friends do!"

"We know that. What we're really saying is that when there are sleepovers from now on, girls need to sleep in one room and boys in another."

"Well that's not really a sleepover, is it?"

"Isabeth."

"But it's not fair! We always had sleepovers before! All our lives, since we were babies."

"Yes, that's true," Adam began gently. "But like we said, you're getting older. When you get older your bodies start changing and… well… it's just better to keep boys and girls separate sometimes."

Isa made a disgusted face.

"You mean because of kissing and stuff? Because at school one of the big girls told me about kissing and loving someone and… well she said somethin' about sex but she whispered that word so it must be bad, and is that what this is about? Because I don't wanna kiss Colt, that's disgusting. No offense, Colt. But I don't think you're hot."

Colton shrugged.

"You don't even act like a girl so I don't think you're hot either."

There was silence from the adults as Isa sighed and raked her hair back from her face.

"So why do you think this all the sudden?"

"It's something we've been talking about for a long time, and we all agreed that it was probably time for you two to not sleep in the same bed anymore. It's something that you'll understand better when you're older, but for now we've decided that it's not appropriate. This doesn't mean you two can't be friends or anything like that. It just means that sleepovers will be different."

"Well fine. So we can still have our regular kind of sleepover tonight?"

"Yes, you can do that."

"Okay I guess. Can we go play now?"

"Sure, go ahead."

The kids left the room and Austin turned to Danny, holding her hand out.

"You owe me ten bucks. She didn't totally freak out."

"You two made a bet on your own kid? I'm appalled. You're terrible."

"We know, but now I have coffee money."

"Oh, you're my favorite again then."

"Do you guys think that was too early?" Adam asked, playing with the salt and pepper shakers.

"Honey, stop doing that, you're going to spill it. And no, it wasn't too early, we talked about it."

"I just don't want them to be upset."

"They'll get used to it," Danny decided with a shrug. "Besides, I don't think any of us have screwed up enough that this will make 'em hate us."

"Don't speak too soon. Repercussions always come late with those two."

"We'll see. Why don't you girls go relax for a bit and we'll set the table for dinner."

"Not gonna argue with that!" Austin exclaimed, jumping up from the table and heading to the couch with Lindsay hot on her heels.

"So was Isa good today?" Austin asked, pulling a throw pillow into her lap.

"Yeah. She's always good Austin, she's just a little crazy sometimes. Not unlike a certain redheaded child of mine who has taken up pounding on the piano and singing at the top of her lungs in gibberish every morning at seven."

Austin smiled and nodded quietly, keeping her eyes down as she ran a few things over in her mind.

"Linds, does Isa talk to you about things she doesn't talk to me about?"

"What?"

"I know you guys have your talks sometimes and she tells you stuff and… I just feel like the girls like you more than they like me."

"What are you smoking?"

"Nothing. It's just… this morning Sarah was so sad and you just took two minutes to calm her down and fix her hair and I couldn't do that. When Isa is upset, she wants you. I just feel kind of inadequate sometimes."

"Let me ask you a question. When you were a kid, especially before everything started happening with your dad, did you share everything with your mom, or did you sometimes depend on Danny's mom?"

"I see what you're saying but it still makes me feel bad."

"It shouldn't. You've raised the girls to be independent enough that they feel okay relying on other people sometimes. What happened with Sarah this morning was just because you were both upset and it made things worse. And if you want to know the truth, everything Isa talks to me about, she's already talked to you about."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"I just… Linds I love you but I don't want my kids to prefer you over me."

"They won't. You're so much cooler than I am. And if they ever do, I will owe you a million dollars."

"Can we shake on that so that the day Isa turns thirteen, I become very, very rich?"

"I'll take the risk."

"Good. Now, do I need to get any special shots before we all go camping?"

"Hilarious."

"I was actually being serious."

"Oh Aust, what would we ever do without each other?"


	269. Chapter 269

"Ahh! We here!" Avery exclaimed happily, clapping her hands as the plane came to a stop on the tarmac. "Mama, we get out an' go see papa an' the horses!"

"We will as soon as you stop shouting."

"Okay," Avery whispered, glancing over at Sarah who had found that flying was not her favorite thing in the world. "Sarah, you throw up again?"

"No. My tummy is all empty now but I still feel bad."

"We'll get you some crackers or something in a little bit," Austin assured, tucking Sarah's hair behind her ear.

"Did the other kids get sick?"

"I don't think so. Colton and Isa were talking the whole time and Ben and Daniel slept."

"I sleep too," Avery added. "Dream 'bout sketti."

"You like spaghetti huh Averylin?"

"Yes. Maybe granna make it for us! Granna make most yummy food. Sarah, I show you much stuffs on the farm okay?"

"Okay! Will we see the horses?"

"Yep! I show you how take care of them."

Sarah nodded and they all stayed in their seats until the plane was empty, except for their family. It was much easier to gather their things when they didn't have to worry about getting in someone else's way. Ben and Junior were full of energy after their naps and ran a little ways ahead in the airport, holding hands and shouting excitedly.

"Boys, quiet down please."

"Sorry ma! We'll be quieter. C'mon Binyin, let's look out that window and see Montana!"

"Okay!"

They ran across the hall to the window and looked out, while Avery joined them, standing on her toes to try and see. After a moment they noticed her problem and worked together to lift her up so she could see too.

"You're pretty heavy, sissy Aves," Junior commented, straining to hold her up. "I can't do this much longer."

"That okay. We go now, outside."

"The grown-ups gotta get our suitcases first," Ben reminded her, taking her hand. "And then we can go outside."

"Oh yes, that right. C'mon, we help."

They made their way to the luggage carousel and soon all the bags and children were accounted for and they headed towards the car rental counter. Once it was clear that this was going to take a while, Colton and Isa set up a game of Duck Duck Goose, which Avery kept winning because none of the kids liked to see her cry. Ben was sitting in the middle with a fake scowl on his face while Avery chased Colton around the circle over and over again, shouting for him to stop going most fast. Finally he pretended to trip, allowing her to catch him.

"Ah-ha! Coley in the pot now!"

"Okay Aves but you gotta go easy on me next time," he said, trading places with Ben.

"Can't do that. Gotta play hardest."

She made her way around the circle once, her hand touching each of their heads as she tried to decide who would chase her this time. On the third trip around the circle she smacked Isa's head and yelled "Goose!" then took off running. Isa chased her for two strides, then turned around to run in the other direction. Avery squealed, throwing her arms up in the air in surprise and taking off across the floor, laughing hysterically. Isa caught up to her and grabbed her around the waist, laughing as she picked her up.

"I caught a big one guys! Reel her in!"

The rest of the kids pretended to cast a line and reel Avery and Isa to them while Avery laughed so hard she had tears in her eyes.

"Again!" she squealed, once they reached the other kids. Isa laughed and kissed her cheeks, then sat back down.

"Okay, we'll have a redo because I kind of cheated."

"That so fun, Isa. You very silly."

"Thanks Avery."

Avery smiled and patted Isa's head, then went back to her role as the ducker, while Isa and Colton exchanged amused looks.

"Hey kids, we got the car. Let's go."

Avery stopped in the middle of her ducking to jump up and down, then spin in a circle.

"C'mon guys! We go now! Hurry! Time for the farm!"

* * *

"What's that sound under our car?" Junior asked loudly from the backseat. "Uncle Cupcake, didja drive over a bunch of turtles?"

"That's a gravel road, buddy," Danny chuckled, turning around in his seat. "Out here, far away from civilization, they don't know how to put asphalt down."

"Yeah, we're usually more occupied with learning how to hunt and skin animals from a young age," Lindsay dead-panned from the front seat, looking at her nails.

"An' theys gotta protect theys homestead from intruders," Adam added, using the most stereotypical redneck voice he could muster. "Gravel pathways tell of any Ford contraption comin' down the lane. So theys can be ready."

"I hate you both," Lindsay laughed, shaking her head. "You make it sound like we sit on the porch in rocking chairs and clean our rifles all day long."

"Don't ya mean your double-ought-six?"

"Austin, you sound like a German person who is trying to sound like a Scottish person, who is trying to sound like he's from Kentucky."

"Well shoot."

"Besides you guys, Montana is in the north, just in case you ever look on a map and want a little leg up on the kindergarten geography tournament."

"There's no winning with you," Adam sighed. "Party pooper."

"Hey, you already won me, you ain't got nothin' to complain about."

"Guess so."

"The farm!" Avery yelled, pointing out the window. "We arrived!"

Her hooting and hollering grew louder and louder until Adam stopped the car outside the house and someone unbuckled her. She slid out of the car and jumped up and down in the gravel driveway, then started dancing excitedly, shaking her hips and singing. She was either overjoyed to be here, or she was so jet-lagged that she wasn't in control of herself anymore and needed some sleep. Either way, it was amusing to watch.

"The air smells so clean here," Isa commented to no one in particular, taking in the sights around her. She'd never seen this much earth before all at one time.

"Go be free," Lindsay whispered, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

"Really?"

"Go."

Grinning, Isa shoved Colton's shoulder and took off running across the yard. He laughed and followed her, running as fast as he could to catch up. She looked over her shoulder and smiled at him, stepping up her speed and closing her eyes as she ran over the even ground until she had to slow down and catch her breath. Turning around, she saw that they were much further from the house than she'd thought and she grinned a little at the fact that her endurance was getting better. Flopping into the grass, she lay back and looked at the sky while Colton settled down beside her, picking a piece of crabgrass and holding it between his thumbs. He blew on it several times but it never did what he wanted it to do, so he discarded it and sighed, pulling his arm behind his head.

"This is a pretty nice place," Isa said after a moment. "Now I know why your mama is the way she is."

"Whaddya mean?"

"I think if you grew up here, you'd have to be just like she is. Nice and happy and safe. That's what this place is like. I just feel good here. The same way as when Indy hugs me when I'm having a bad day."

"I kinda see what you mean. This place is kinda like my mama."

"It's like you too," she said, rolling on her side to look at him. "It's just… very good."

"I'm not always very good, Sweet Thing."

"You are to me. You're my best friend."

"Well of course I am. You're mine too, that's how it works."

"I know but… you stick by me and you stay my friend even when I'm not very good."

"That's what you do when you love somebody, Is. I love you, no matter what you do. Just like I love Ben and Aves even when they get on my nerves. Just like how my daddy loves my mama even when they argue about silly stuff. Just like your daddy loved your ma since they were kids."

"But why?"

Colton sighed and shook his head.

"Isa, why do you think you're so bad? Because sometimes you get mad? Or say mean things? Well so do I. You just do it louder. You're not bad, Isabeth Grace Messer."

She smiled despite being called by her full name and he reached over to pat her hand.

"And even if you were, I would still love you for all the days, like I always promised to do."

"I love you too Colt. I always, always, always will."

He sat up and tugged on her hand until she sat up too, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"I'm gonna hug you really tight now. And after this talk I don't want you to think you're bad ever again."

"You sound like your dad when you talk like that."

"Good."

He leaned over and hugged her for a few minutes until it felt weird and he had to let go.

"We should go back to the house. I didn't even say hi to my grandparents yet."

"Okay."

He took her hand to help her up and they walked back to the house together, kicking a rock between them and not saying a word.

* * *

The kids all went to bed early, as they were still on New York time and the day had been long. The sun was still up and they were all tucked into bed, barely whispering to each other before they fell asleep. The girls were up in Lindsay's old room, Sarah and Avery sharing one of the beds while Isa sprawled out on the other, still in her day clothes because she was so tired. The boys were in another room and after much squabbling over whose feet were "the super smelliest" they'd all fallen asleep too. Danny and Austin weren't too far behind, being so tired that they were laughing about everything one second, then arguing the next, and it wasn't long before they came to the conclusion that sleep is what they needed.

Meanwhile, Lindsay had grabbed a small cup of coffee to battle the jet-lag so she could go see Taylor and the baby. Adam went back and forth on whether he wanted to go, but eventually decided to join her, even if he was really tired. They borrowed her mom's car rather than drive the rented suburban, rolling the windows down as they drove into town. Adam reached over and took her hand, kissing her fingertips and giving her a small smile.

"Have I ever told you how much I like watching you here?"

"Hmm?"

"You're a different kind of happy. Even though being here brings back so many bad memories, you're still happy. Makes me realize all the tough stuff you're made of."

She gave a half grin and leaned her head on the seat, inspecting his hand in hers for a moment before she spoke.

"No matter how long I live in New York, this will always be home, at least another home."

"Do you ever wish-"

"No, I don't."

"How did you know what I was going to say?"

"Because I know you."

"Thanks. Saves me the trouble of trying to figure out how to say what I mean."

"I love you a lot, you know that?"

"Yeah I know."

"Okay, just checkin'."

"I'm sorry we couldn't get out here a day earlier," he said, stealing a glance at her. "I know you wanted to be here for Taylor."

"It's okay. She was only a little upset. It wasn't like we could have predicted it anyway."

"Yeah, but I can't keep being your hero if I can't predict things like this!"

She shook her head and directed him off the main road and into the neighborhood where Taylor and Josh lived. She was excited to meet the baby but at the same time, she was having conflicting feelings about her little girl being all grown up. It wasn't the same as it would be with Avery, but some of the apprehension was still there, some of the wondering if she'd prepared Taylor enough and done enough for her was still wandering around in her mind. She was certain however, that once she saw it with her own eyes, all those wonderings would go away.

"You ready?"

"Yeah. The kids were really upset that they didn't get to come."

"We'll bring them by after camping. I'm not sure a newborn is really going to do well with our triple threat. Give him a few days in the world before that has to happen."

Lindsay laughed as they got out of the car and went to the door. Josh must have seen them drive up because he opened the door and let them in right away. He looked tired but happy, possibly slightly shorter than normal.

"Are you surviving?" Lindsay asked as he hugged her.

"Halfway. I am not going to attempt any heavy machinery for a while though."

"Good thought."

"Taylor's in the bedroom with the baby. He's just been fed and changed, so you have really good timing."

Lindsay smiled and headed into the bedroom while Adam stayed behind with Josh. The house was quiet and the bedroom door was only slightly open, warm lamplight spilling out into the hallway.

"Hey sweetie," Lindsay greeted, stepping into the room. Taylor looked up at her and tears sprung to her eyes, most likely because of all the hormones that were attacking her full force right now.

"Hi. Look what I have, it's the most perfect baby in the whole world."

Lindsay grinned and sat down on the bed leaning over to look at the little boy, who definitely gave Colton and Ben a run for their money in the cute department.

"He looks just like Josh."

"Yeah he does. They even sleep the same, all sprawled out."

"How are you doing?"

"From the waist up, I'm awesome."

"Yeah, that takes a few… well a while to feel close to normal again."

"He's worth it though."

"I bet you've already forgotten the pain."

"Pretty much. You want to hold him?"

"Yes please."

"Okay Nolan, time to go see your Nana."

Lindsay took the tiny baby from her, cuddling him close and marveling at how tiny he seemed in comparison to her own kids. It had been so long since she'd held a newborn that for a moment he felt foreign in her arms until he settled in, giving a tiny yawn and looking up at her curiously.

"Hey little man. I've been waiting a long time to see you."

He gave a soft baby sigh and she took his hand, kissing his forehead and breathing in that fresh baby scent. It never failed to amaze her how small and fragile babies were and how quickly they grew up. An ache settled in her chest for she knew she wasn't going to watch Nolan grow up. There would be pictures and visits, but she wasn't going to be a part of his daily life.

"Linds, I can still call you whenever, right?"

"Of course."

"Any time?"

"If it is two in the morning and he's screaming his head off and you need me, you'd better call."

"I've been thinking about my mom a lot," Taylor confessed, dropping her head to Lindsay's shoulder. "I keep looking at him and I can't believe how much I love him and all that I would do for him. And I keep thinking that at some point my mom did love me. She didn't abort me, she didn't abandon me, she did keep me alive and somewhere very deep down, she had to have loved me and even wanted me. It wasn't my fault that she stopped. It couldn't have been. But then I wonder what happened to her. Why did she stop loving me?"

"I don't know, kiddo."

"I don't understand it. I feel like there's not enough time in the world to love him, like no matter how much and how long I love him, it will never be enough."

"It's pretty overwhelming, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I wonder what he's going to be like."

"Whatever he's like, it will be better than you imagined."

"I love you Linds."

"I love you too."

"If it wasn't for you, I don't think I would know how to love him, or how to love Josh, or even how to love myself."

"You taught me a lot too, sweetie. I wouldn't be a good mom if I didn't get to practice on you first."

"So we're even."

"Of course. You'll send lots of pictures and videos and stuff right?"

"Sure."

"And you'll come out to visit sometimes?"

"Yes. Nolan will demand to see his Nana."

"We'll be out here too, when we can."

"Do you guys ever go to Phoenix to see Adam's family?"

"Not really. His parents come to New York a lot, they say there's nothing to do in Phoenix."

"It's nice that you don't have family drama about holidays."

"Yeah, I think I got lucky."

"You know what? I think I did too."

* * *

"I've never asked you this before, but can you tie a knot in your cherry stem using only your tongue?"

"Yeah."

"So it's physically possible?"

"Did you think it wasn't?"

"I thought it was one of those urban legends like cow tipping. Can you do it?"

Lindsay chuckled and nodded, eating the cherry out of her mostly melted sundae, then inspecting the stem carefully before popping it into her mouth and working it over a few times. He watched her with a grin on his face; he'd been certain that she would take up the challenge, but he was surprised to find that she was doing it in public.

"Bam said the lady," she giggled, pulling the tied stem from her mouth.

"So when we get home, I need for you to do that again."

Her eyebrows flicked up slightly and she smiled.

"Okay."

"Are you almost done eating?"

"I'm done, let's go."

He took her hand and they went outside, walking down the sidewalk to the car. He slid his arm around her waist, his hand slipping into her back pocket and pulling her closer. They didn't say much to each other, many, many words had been spoken in the last few years, and there had been enough action to back up those words. Silence had been more and more golden lately.

He opened the car door for her, then reached in to buckle the seatbelt, simply because he liked to be as close to her as possible. She smiled and raked her fingers gently through his hair, then pulled him closer and kissed him.

"Love you."

"Love you too."

"Let's go. I want to go snuggle up in that big warm bed and sleep for a very long time."

"As you wish," he smiled, starting the car. "You still want to prank Danny and Austin tomorrow?"

"Totally. I think we need to think up a name for our covert ops."

"Hmm. The Deep Freeze."

"Faux Snow."

"Chill Out."

"Ice, Ice, Baby."

"Yes, that is the one. Austin's gonna kill us."

"I know but it's going to be so funny right before we die."

"I think this is our most planned prank ever."

"Might be. I'm kind of surprised we came up with it soon enough to pull it off."

"Linds, I'm so glad I married you."

"I'm glad too. Although I don't think we're actually as funny as we think we are."

"No," he chuckled, squeezing her hand. "But I don't think that really matters."


	270. Chapter 270

A/N: Sorry this took me so long, The Rossers Ten (yes, they have their own name now) would not cooperate with me.

* * *

They all slept in late the next morning, waking slowly and eating breakfast in shifts. The kids dawdled over their pancake breakfast, discussing their camping trip and what they might see. Sarah was especially concerned about bears, even after Lindsay's dad assured them that the bears usually stayed away from the area if they made sure to clean up their food, and that Lindsay would be carrying bear spray. Sarah was not convinced of her safety and kept sighing and shaking her head. On the other side of the coin, Ben and Junior were thrilled about the possibility of running into a bear. Too much time watching funny videos online had convinced them that all bears waved and danced and sat on couches and sometimes wore clothes.

Lindsay had the Suburban almost loaded with their luggage, tents, and other camping supplies, having pulled everything out and repacked it several times to get it to fit. The kids were going to have to hold their pillows in their laps and they might have luggage at their feet, but it would work. The fishing poles were packed carefully in the wooden box that her dad had made for just that reason. They probably wouldn't go fishing at all, but it didn't feel like they were really going camping unless they brought everything. The only thing left to do was stop at the grocery store on the way out of town. Feeding ten people for 3 days and only having one large cooler to fit everything into was going to be a difficult task, but she was certain that between her and Austin they could figure out a way to do it.

"Okay, the kids are ready to leave," Austin said, bringing one last bag out to the car. "We had to hold them down to scrub their faces, but they're ready to go."

"Good. Want to grab coats?"

"Linds, it's July. Why do we need coats?"

"I told you there might be snow."

"Just to remind you again, it's July."

"It's also Montana! Have you looked at those mountains?" she asked, pointing to the snow-capped mountains and sighing. "How am I supposed to take you camping in the mountains if you don't bring warm clothes? Even in the summer it's cold! Why didn't you listen to me?"

"I thought you were joking!" Austin defended as Adam came out of the house in a huge coat and the Ross kids trailed behind him, similarly dressed. He'd bundled them up so much that they looked like Randy in _A Christmas Story_ and Avery had complained that she couldn't put her arms down more than once.

"I thought we could put on snow pants once we got there," he said, handing Lindsay a coat. "You'd better go bundle up your kids, Aust."

She just stood there, her jaw dropping almost to the ground while she stared at them.

"We can't go. I brought sweatshirts in case it gets cold at night, but… I didn't think you were serious!"

"Austin, why would I joke about that? I made you a list a month ago so you could get everything you needed. You told me you had everything."

"But… why didn't you check earlier?"

"Because you're a grown woman!" Lindsay said, fitting a knit hat on Avery's head. "Look, I'm sure my parents have some old winter stuff you guys can borrow."

"Hey Dunner, why don't you got a parka like me?" Ben asked, crinkling his forehead. "Don't you know we're sleepin' in the snow?"

"Ma, why didn't ya pack me a coat?" Junior wailed, dropping his hands to his side. "I don't want to die!"

"I thought Lin was teasing me!"

"I told you she was serious," Danny grumbled, shaking his head.

"Why didn't you tell me louder? I guess we're just going to have to come up with something."

"Huh?" Adam asked. "I was trying on the earmuffs, I didn't hear you."

Lindsay had to turn away to hide her laugh; they hadn't planned that moment.

"Aust, why would I lie to you about this?"

"Because you're insane! You want to go camping in the snow after all."

By this time the Messer kids were staring worriedly at the mountains while Lindsay's parents stood on the porch laughing silently at the drama unfolding in the driveway.

"You said I was going to get a tan if we went camping, but I didn't know "tan" was Montanian for "frostbite!" I cannot believe this."

"Austin-"

"Who goes camping in the snow? I mean, what kind of mental block do you have that makes it normal to go camping in freezing weather? We're sleeping in tents with no heat! We're going to die. This is a predicament that only the cast of the Jersey Shore would get into!"

Lindsay couldn't handle it anymore and burst into hysterical laughter, slumping against the car and trying to catch her breath.

"Austin… I was just… I was kidding…"

Austin's eyes got huge and she reached into the back of the car, pulling out one of the badminton rackets.

"You'd better run."

Lindsay gave a yelp and took off across the yard while Austin chased her, hollering about the unjustness of a prank like that on vacation. The kids all yelped in excitement, especially when Lindsay scrambled behind a tree, laughing so hard she could hardly stand up.

"I am so getting you for this one, Ross. You just wait. You're gonna wish you'd never crossed me."

"You be careful or I'll leave you in the woods."

Austin swore under her breath and shoved the racket back in the car, crossing her arms over her chest when Lindsay tried to hug her.

"Your face was so awesome."

"You're in so much trouble."

"Yeah, I know."

"Thanks for playing along, kids," Adam said, handing Colton, Ben and Avery each five dollars. Avery stuffed hers into her cow purse, Colton inspected his in the light and Ben sighed, handing it back to Adam.

"Make smaller dollars daddy. So I can share with Dunner on account of I pranked him too and I feel bad."

"Okay buddy."

"You paid your kids to play along with this?"

"Of course we did," Lindsay shrugged, taking the winter clothes off her kids.

Austin sighed again and helped the rest of the kids into the car, making sure they were all buckled.

"You're gonna get it. When you least expect it, you're gonna get it."

"Shakin' in my boots."

* * *

"Uh babe, you said there were toilets at this campsite," Adam said, looking around warily. "I don't see them."

"It's right there."

"That's an outhouse."

"Yes it is."

"You said toilets."

"I said toilet."

"Regardless of plural or singular, you did not indicate that it was an outhouse."

"I thought you knew what I meant."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"Because you always know what I mean!"

"Mama, I need go potty," Avery wined, tugging on Lindsay's hand. "In there?"

"Yes, I'll take you in there and then daddy will see that an outhouse ain't nothin' to be scared of."

She took Avery's hand and they walked to the outhouse together, opening the old creaky door carefully. Avery stepped inside, then backed out quickly.

"Oh yuck! Yuck! EW!"

"Avery-"

"So gross! Ew! It so yucky in there!"

"Oh brother, it's not that bad."

"I hold it until we go home," Avery decided, pushing her hair back from her face.

"It can't be that yucky, Aves," Colton sighed, shaking his head and heading for the outhouse. The door had only been opened for one second before he ran away, claiming whatever was in there was alive. Isa was next, approaching the outhouse hesitantly, then pulling the door open and stepping inside bravely.

"Oh hell no!" she screamed, running back out the door and as far away as she could get.

"I guess it's our turn Binyin."

The boys walked to the outhouse and opened the door. Ben rushed out quickly, heading for the bushes to take care of business. Junior was fascinated with the whole thing, leaning down over the hole, trying to see what was down there.

"Hello!" he shouted. "Anybody down there?"

"Okay, that's enough playing. I have air freshener in the car if you really need to go to the bathroom."

"Let's set up our tents so we can see what we're sleepin' in!" Junior suggested, crouching down to pick a bug out of the dirt. "Me and Binyin wanna sleep by each other so we can talk lots."

"Yeah, we got lots of discussin' to do. 'Bout first grade."

"Don't remind us that you're already in the first grade," Austin said, helping Adam unload the car while Danny put down three tarps where the tents would be set up. The kids would all be in one together, out of the necessity because they only had one tent for them anyway. Colton and Isa were excited that the ban on co-ed sleepovers was being lifted for the next few nights, and were planning on staying up as late as they could.

"Um, Danny, do you know what you're doing?"

"It's a tent, how hard could it be?"

"Those happen to be the words spoken by every green camper who ended up sleeping in the car. Let me show you."

"Hey, I am a man, I can provide shelter."

"Okay. You do your tent and I'll do my tent. Winner does the kids tent."

"You drive a hard bargain Montana, but I'll shake on that."

"This can't go no place but disaster," Adam muttered to Austin who just nodded.

"Um, Uncle Adam, should Averylin really be jumping off that picnic table?" Sarah asked, eyeing her friend warily.

"Avery, get down from there."

She wrinkled her nose but obeyed while Isa pulled a bandana from the back of the car and swung it over her head.

"Who wants to play Marco Polo?"

"I wanna be the Marco guy!" Ben hollered excitedly. "Can I, Isa?"

"Sure. C'mere and I will put this blindfold on you. Let me know if it's too tight."

She put the blindfold on him and guided him over to the open area next to their campsite then made him stand still while she and Colton checked the ground for things he could trip over or fall into.

"Okay ready?"

"Marco!" Ben shouted, heading off with his arms out in front of him.

"Okay Linds, you win. What am I doin' here?" Danny asked, frustrated as he looked at the tent again. "This pole thing doesn't go in the place it's supposed to and it's color coded!"

"You have the right pole but the wrong… oh let me do it."

Austin and Adam snickered while Lindsay and Danny put the rest of the tents together, getting in each other's way and more than once tripping over the tent or the poles. In the same second that the tents were all put together, a loud wailing came from the direction of the kids.

"I runned into a tree!" Ben cried while Isa led him to the picnic table and Sarah tried to get the blindfold off of him.

"He sure smacked his nose hard," Junior added, shaking his head. "Binyin maybe you won't be able to smell much and then you can go in that neat bathroom!"

"Sweetie, let me see your face," Lindsay said, sitting down at the table with him. "Oh boy."

"My glasses are broke! I won't be able to see our whole campin' trip!"

"Ben, I have your extra pair in the car, but stop squirming and let me check out your nose."

"It doesn't hurt bad. Just scuffed up!"

"Okay. If it starts to hurt will you let me know?"

"Yep! Now could you get my other glasses so I could open my eyes?"

"This might end up being a really long three days."

* * *

A third bag of marshmallows was being opened for roasting, over a pound of chocolate had already been eaten, the kids were sporting redness on the apples of their cheeks, and they'd discovered that the outhouse wasn't so bad if they left the door propped open when it was vacant. They'd all spent a few hours exploring the area and relaxing in the fresh air but once night fell, they'd all gathered around the campfire that Lindsay and Adam had spent half an hour arguing over and trying to light.

Avery and Sarah were curled up in one chair together, sharing a blanket and talking quietly, seemingly unaware that the S'mores were getting eaten without them. The gap in their ages was less pronounced now than it had been a year ago, and while Sarah still took on somewhat of a mothering role over Avery, they were a lot more equal than they once had been.

"Here, I made you a special one, don't tell the kids," Lindsay said, handing Austin a S'more before sitting down in the double camp chair next to her.

"Special? What's in it?"

"Peanut butter cup instead of plain."

Austin chuckled and took a bite, sighing happily as she stared at the fire.

"You okay?"

"Hmm? I'm fine."

"Austin, you've been really quiet and your eyebrows are always all wrinkled and sometimes when I look at you, you're so far away. And now I know how you feel when I do this."

"I'm okay, Lin. I just really needed this vacation. Everything at work has been piling up, I feel like the kids are growing up and I'm missing it, and working long hours means I haven't seen Danny nearly as much as I need to. I've just been looking for a break."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Good, because I've missed you."

"I know. This is the best S'More I've ever had."

"It was made with love."

"You're so cheesy."

"I know."

"Hey ma, can't we go swimmin' yet?" Junior asked, climbing up into her lap. "I really wanna."

"Not tonight, it's too cold. Maybe after lunch tomorrow."

"Like a hour after lunch because that's the rule about swimmin' and eating?"

"Yeah, maybe an hour after lunch."

"Okay. Binyin, one hour after lunch tomorrow, we could swim!"

"That's awesome! Colt, are you gonna teach sissy how to swim?"

"I don't know but I could try! Hey Aves, want me to teach you how to swim tomorrow?"

"Maybe."

"I don't know, you might be too busy gettin' thrown in the lake to teach your sister how to swim," Danny said with a little smile.

"Who's gonna throw me in the lake?"

"Anyone who can catch you."

Colton laughed delightedly and Isa laughed too, certain she would be receiving the same fate as her best friend.

"Okay kiddos, I think it's about time to get ready for bed."

"How are we gonna brush our teeths without a bathroom?" Ben questioned. "I been thinkin' about this all day and I comed to no solution."

"You can use the water pump."

"But where on God's green earth am I supposed to spit?"

"Right on God's green earth," Isa answered with a laugh. "C'mon, get your toothbrush and I will show you."

"Okay. I got a toothbrush what lights up and does the Star Wars music. Daddy got them specially for me and Cole for this trip. Sissy got one what's a Barbie and the toothbrush comes outta her head."

Isa cackled as the kids went to find their toothbrushes, sharing the one tube of toothpaste they had.

"No way! Hey mama, the Messers toothpaste has sparkles in it! I can see it by the light of my toothbrush!" Colton shouted. "And it tastes like oranges!"

"Clearly you are way cooler about dental hygiene than I am," Lindsay snickered.

"Hey you kids, quit usin' my toothpaste!"

"You have sparkly orange toothpaste?"

"It had Transformers on it, I couldn't help it."

"You're so weird."

"Mama! Snuggles now!" Avery said, standing by the door of the tent. "C'mere. I sleep by Sarah. She have princess bed."

Lindsay chuckled and followed Avery into the tent, tucking her into the small sleeping bag and putting a blanket over her.

"There, all settled?"

"You be close, mama?"

"Yes, I'll be just a few feet away."

"Okay."

"Sleep good baby. I'll see you in the morning."

"Night mama. Gimme a kiss."

"I love you, Averylin. Goodnight."

The rest of the kids were piling into the tent and Lindsay and Austin spent several minutes getting them all settled, then kissing them goodnight. Colton sighed and wiped off his cheek after Lindsay kissed him, which only made her chuckle and do it again.

"Doesn't matter how much you wipe it off, I still love you and I am always going to kiss you."

"Aw mama," he whined, putting his arms up to shield him from the kisses. "I'm gonna be ten soon, think you could stop then?"

"I'll stop kissing you if you start kissing me."

"Oh geez," he muttered, rolling over to bury his face in his pillow.

"I love you Colton."

"I love you too, weirdo."

With one last kiss which he didn't wipe off, she left the tent and zipped up the door behind her, knowing that the whispering and giggling the kids were doing wasn't going to last too much longer.

"You'd better not forget to put that food away," Austin was saying, stuffing some trash into a bag. "You heard about the bears."

"You think I'm scared of bears?" Danny asked, shaking his head. "We'll see who's scared of bears. Just you wait."

"You're gonna try to scare me?"

"Nope, the two of you don't have to worry. You're not our target," he answered, bumping fists with Adam who was chuckling.

"What are you two planning?"

"Just wait until the kids fall asleep," Adam grinned pulling Lindsay down into his lap. "You'll see."

"Oh boy. Are we going to have to console screaming children?"

"Maybe, maybe not."

"Austin, why do we ever leave them alone together?"

"Not sure but we should stop. They might turn on us next time."

"Hey, you two ain't much better."

"Maybe not," Lindsay shrugged. "Anyone want to go night swimming?"

"Are you crazy? It's freezing!"

"It's not that bad once you get in. C'mon Aust, live a little."

"No way. I don't want to get a cold with you again."

"Party pooper."

"Yeah because sniffling and coughing and using an entire bottle of NyQuil is super fun times."

"Lame."

"I'll go with you tomorrow babe. I'm too tired right now."

"Okay."

He leaned up and whispered a few words in her ear that made her giggle and blush, and she was thankful that the fire was dying down enough that it wouldn't be found out.

"So now what?" Austin asked, stoking the fire a little. "No light out, the kids are in bed and we don't have electricity. So what do we do?"

"We could tell ghost stories," Danny suggested with a shrug as Austin tossed her feet into his lap.

"Oh whatever. You don't know no ghost stories."

"I do so!"

"Buddy, you didn't even know the one about the girl with a ribbon around her neck," Adam chuckled.

"Okay so I'm not great at ghost stories. Geez."

"Lindsay isn't either, she starts laughing hysterically in the middle of them every time."

"I do not!"

"Yes you do! You remember the time the power went out and you kept trying to scare me with stories but you couldn't because you were laughing too hard?"

"That's because ghost stories are ridiculous!"

"Finally, something Lindsay can't do!"

"Hey, I can't sew either. Go ahead Austin, tell us a good ghost story."

It was several false starts between both Adam and Austin, trying to come up with a story that no one else had heard or one that was actually scary. Everything just ended up being funny, and they soon gave up, falling into silence.

"So, you guys gonna prank the kids and get it over with so we can go to bed?"

"Yeah, as long as they're asleep."

Lindsay sighed and got out of Adam's lap then sat back down, shaking her head while the guys moved quietly towards the kids tent.

"What do you think they're doing?" Lindsay whispered.

"No clue."

As the guys circled the tent, one of them let out a soft growl while the other scratched at the tent several times, until there was movement from inside.

"Colton Matthew… Isa… there's a monster!"

"What kind of monster?"

"I don't know! A bear! It growled!"

There was silence from the tent and then another low growl from outside. A flashlight went on and there was a scuffle, which found Danny at the receiving end of a harsh strike with Isa's flashlight. He moaned and crumpled to the ground while all the kids tumbled out of the tent in various states of upset. Avery and Sarah were crying, Ben and Junior had their shoes in their hands to use as weapons, and Colton and Isa looked like they were out for blood.

"That wasn't a bear, it was daddy!" Isa exclaimed, rushing to his side. "And I almost knocked his block off."

Adam was laughing so hard he could barely stand, but managed to calm Avery and Sarah down a little while Danny writhed on the ground.

"Daddy, I am so, so sorry! I thought you were a bear!"

"Not your fault," he squeaked out, sitting up. "Dang, you can swing."

"Well, you did teach me. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

She and Colton helped him up and he rubbed at the back of his head while Lindsay and Austin shook with silent laughter.

"This isn't funny, girls."

"Yeah, it actually is."

"I need to lay down."

"Isabeth, give me your flashlight so I can check out the damage," Austin chuckled, helping Danny into their tent. Isa obeyed, looking quite upset and feeling guilty.

"Adam you want to put the kids back to bed and I'll put the fire out?"

"Sure."

The kids filed back into the tent and climbed into their sleeping bags, now energized because of their naps. Adam tucked them all back in, taking an extra minute to reassure Isa that she'd done nothing wrong, no one was mad at her, and she didn't need to be upset about it. She sniffled and wiped at her eyes while he leaned down to hug her.

"It's okay, princess, I promise."

"I wouldn't have done it if I knew it was daddy."

"I know. Maybe it wasn't a good idea for us to try and scare you guys."

"Yeah, maybe it's part your fault too."

"Probably is. Don't feel bad honey."

"Okay. Night, Dum."

"Night, princess."

He backed out of the tent and zipped the door shut, then helped Lindsay with the rest of the cleanup before they went into their tent to change.

"Okay, you were right, it's pretty cold up here. I rescind my previous teasing about the extra blankets you brought, and instead I thank you."

"You're welcome."

"And genius idea on connecting our sleeping bags because I don't think I am a fan of sleeping next to you but not next to you."

"I thought the same thing. Hurry up and get over here, I'm freezing."

He slid down next to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist and kissing her forehead.

"You think Danny's okay?" she whispered after a moment. "We're not going to have to take him in for a concussion will we?"

"Nah, she didn't hit him that hard."

Lindsay nodded then burst into laughter, loud enough that it caused a groan from the other tent.

"Shut up Montana."


	271. Chapter 271

A/N: Wow, sorry for taking so long! I kept writing into the night and them promising myself I would finish it tomorrow. It became a horrible cycle.

* * *

The birds started chirping around four a.m., but no one stirred from their slumber. When the sun came up a while later, no one moved still. It wasn't until Avery found herself needing the bathroom that she woke up, crawling for the door of the tent, then bursting into tears when she couldn't get out.

"I need potty," she whimpered, reaching over to shake Colton's foot. "Coley please help!"

He grunted and sat up, letting her out of the tent. She scrambled out and stood up, trying to remember where mama and daddy were, and dancing in place until she found a solution.

"Mama! I need potty!" she shouted as loud as she could. "Need help!"

When no one appeared immediately, she began to sob, knowing that she was about to have an accident.

"Mama, please!"

Adam stumbled his way out of the tent, rubbing his eyes, barely able to figure out what was going on.

"Avery-"

"Daddy, need potty now, now!"

"Okay, I'll take you."

"Hurry! Run!"

She grabbed his hand and dragged him to the outhouse, whining in fear of making a mess. They managed to get her taken care of just in time and she breathed a sigh of relief as they washed their hands in the cold water from the pump.

"That was close," she said with a yawn. "We can go snuggle mama now?"

"Yeah sure," he mumbled as she pulled him back towards the tent.

"Mornin' mama. I snuggle you."

Lindsay gave a small grunt and Avery climbed into the sleeping bag, pushing her tangled curls back from her face.

"I sleep on rock," she announced as Adam joined them. "It not comfy. Have dream 'bout horses. We all go ridin' and there was bears."

"Really?"

"Oh yes daddy. What you dream 'bout?"

"Um… I dreamed I was Mario and your mama was Princess Peach," he said, spouting off the first thing he could think of. "And I had to save her from Bowser."

"Oh my!" Avery giggled, while Lindsay smirked in her half-sleep. "You saved her?"

"Of course I did. I'll always save your mama. Now go back to sleep. It's not time to be up yet."

"Okay. Thanks takin' me potty, daddy."

"Anytime."

She fell back to sleep almost immediately, stretching out as much as she could, making Adam and Lindsay very uncomfortable.

"Too lazy to get up, too cramped to fall back to sleep," Adam muttered. "She gets this from you, you know."

"I know. I should get up and start on breakfast."

"It's barely after five. If the kids wake up at this hour, they can wait for food."

"I was actually thinking about Austin and Danny waking up early and not having immediate access to food."

"They'll be okay if there's coffee."

"Yeah," she agreed, dropping a kiss to Avery's cheek.

"You're cute in the morning."

"I thought I was cute all the time."

"You are but this is a different kind of puffy, red eye, scratchy voice, messy hair, early morning cuteness."

"Well that's cool."

"And wrinkly nose."

"Wrinkly nose cuteness. However did you get so lucky?"

He laughed quietly and leaned over Avery, kissing the end of Lindsay's wrinkly nose.

"I love you babe."

"I love you too. Wanna wake me up again in half an hour?"

"Why?"

"So I can go jump in the lake real quick."

"Why?"

"Because there's not showers here and I have to wash my hair or I'll be irritated all day."

"I am not waking you up so you can get pneumonia."

"It's really not that bad!"

"Stay here and be warm."

"Half an hour."

"Is when we shall negotiate again."

"I really want a baked potato," she whispered, rubbing at her eyes. "What's up with that?"

"I don't know but you're weird."

"Okay."

He reached over for her hand and slid his fingers between hers, then settled in for just a little more sleep.

* * *

"I'm not trying to be sexist or anything, but you have to throw like a girl."

"Excuse me?"

"I prefaced it!"

Austin crouched down swiftly and grabbed a handful of wet sand, chucking it at Adam.

"This is the last time I ask you to teach me anything."

He shrugged and picked up another smooth rock, skipping it across the surface of the lake a few times.

"No problem. You're a terrible student."

"So mean."

He chuckled and waded into the lake, pulling up a handful of smooth rocks and handing half to her.

"You heard from Gloria about Natalie lately?"

"Yeah," she answered, inspecting a rock before trying to skip it. "She's doing pretty good. I'm going to go see her when we get back if you want to go with me."

"Sure."

"Daddy! Look my castle I make!" Avery hollered, pointing to a huge pile of sand. "Most awesome!"

"Hey, great job Tink," Adam said, kneeling down to inspect it. "Want me to make you a moat?"

"Okay! The king sit here and the queen sit here."

"What about you?"

"Oh, I the princess. I stand on roof an' yell."

"Sounds about right."

She smiled and glanced over at the dock, where Lindsay and Danny were taking turns throwing the big kids into the water. Avery was especially amused when Lindsay used her entire bodyweight and caught Danny off guard, making him fall in.

"Danny make big splash," she chuckled, shaking her head. "He gonna get mama back."

"Yeah, he probably will. Want me to take you in the water?"

"No! I fall in!"

"I won't drop you."

She whimpered and looked at the water, seeing all the fun the big kids were having, then nodded her head after a moment.

"Okay daddy, take me."

He picked her up and carried her into the water, deep enough that her toes got wet.

"Daddy, scary stuff in there!" she said, looking down at the water warily.

"If there was scary stuff in there, would I let mama and the boys play in it?"

"No."

"Then it's safe, isn't it?"

"Okay daddy."

"I won't let you go, you're just fine."

She nodded and clung to him, shrieking when they got splashed by Colton and Isa's double cannon-ball.

"I not like wet!"

"Honey, why do you think mama bought you a brand new swimsuit?"

"To look cute," she said, frowning and tracing the sparkly pearl pattern on the suit. "These my pearls."

"I see."

"I look like a nice lady."

"Triple cannon-ball!" Colton shouted, while he and Isa jumped off the dock again with Sarah.

"No! No get me wet! My hair!"

Adam laughed and lifted her up to sit on the dock, shaking his head.

"Okay kiddo, you stay there where it's warm and dry. Get a tan."

She nodded and busied herself with laying on the dock, watching the water through the spaces in the wood. After a while Sarah joined her and they lay there in the sun giggling together.

"I don't think I can do anymore heavy lifting," Lindsay commented after tossing Ben into the water. "Can't they just jump in themselves?"

"I think maybe Adam and Austin should take over for us."

"No way, vacations are for relaxing," Austin said, laying down on the dock next to Sarah.

"So that's why you won't help me cook anything."

"Lin, I can barely cook with a full kitchen. How am I supposed to cook over a fire?"

"By actually listening to what I tell you."

"It would take you less time to just cook instead of telling me what to do."

"You're impossible."

"Mama, no fight with Austin. It not nice. Me and Sarah don't fight!"

"We're not fighting honey, we just like to talk snotty to each other."

"Why?"

"Because it keeps us young."

"Oh dear," Avery sighed, shaking her head. "Time for us to eat lunch?"

"Yeah, we'd better get started. You want some chicken?"

"Oh yes!"

The rest of the kids weren't happy to leave the lake, but were placated with the promise of coming back after lunch.

Food was prepared quickly and soon the kids had full plates as they sat around the picnic table giggling with each other, their short swimming experience forgotten. Avery had managed to get corn in her hair and it almost looked like she'd done it on purpose because there was a kernel seemingly in every curl.

"Avery, I left you alone for two minutes and you managed this."

"I special."

"Yeah, that's for… Ben is your lip bleeding?"

Ben looked up with wide, wet eyes and nodded gently.

"What happened honey?"

"I was so 'cited about eatin'," he started shamefully. "That I started chewin' 'fore I had food in my mouth!"

Avery leaned across the table to pat his hand, sighing thoughtfully because the same fate had befallen her a time or two. He sniffled and wiped at his mouth, then sighed deeply.

"I better hold my horses when it comes to eatin'."

Lindsay turned away so she could roll her eyes without making him feel bad. She wasn't sure why her kids were so weird and so overly dramatic, but she often apologized to her mother because she was certain her behavior had been similar at that age.

"Hey Montana, I think your cooking over a fire is better than from a stove."

"No, you're just hungrier than normal because you didn't have your midmorning slice of Rays."

"You're not supposed to tell anyone about that," he said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"I didn't tell anyone, I mentioned it to you and they happened to overhear."

"You're impossible."

"Yeah, I know."

"Wait, what other stuff does he do that I don't know about?" Austin asked, tossing her chicken bone into some bushes, causing Lindsay to sigh.

"I don't know. Nothing probably. Nothing weird anyway."

"Yeah, and if you say otherwise, I'll come up with somethin' on you."

"Whatever Danny."

"I will!"

"Sure."

"Hey! Mama, Ben's cheating!"

"I am not Cole! Take it back!"

"No, you're out!"

"Boys," Adam warned, turning to look at them. "What are you fighting about?"

"We were playin' Cups and Ben's got knocked over so he's out but he won't go out!"

"It was the wind, not me! I said interference! Cole didn't listen."

"Wind counts in this game Ben! You're a cheater!"

"I am not on account of you won't let me play anyway!"

"You need a better attitude. Sore loser!"

"Shut up Cole!"

"Daddy Ben said shut up!"

"Boys are you done eating?"

"Yes but-"

"Then go lay down in the tent. You obviously can't handle yourselves today."

Knowing he was disappointed in their behavior, the boys hung their heads and obeyed, climbing into the tent and bickering quietly over whose fault the punishment was.

"Boys take nap and Avery not!"

"That's not nice to gloat about, Averylin."

"Oh. Mama I need take nap?"

"Yes, but just a short one. Come here and let me get the corn out of your hair."

"Oh boy. This take long."

"Hey kids, why don't you guys go lay down too?" Austin suggested, keeping her tone light because of the look on Isa's face. "You'll be rested enough to stay up a little later and have S'Mores."

Sarah and Junior agreed happily and Isa sighed a few times before nodding her head. There was no point in arguing as she was sent to Adam and Lindsay's tent with Avery and Sarah and Junior climbed into Danny and Austins. Years of experience had taught them all that smaller nap groups were way more effective.

The adults cleaned up lunch and reorganized the food and had just put the fire out when Isa poked her head out of the tent, whispering loudly.

"I slept for a bit, can I come out? Please?"

"You slept for a bit? How long is a bit?"

"I closed my eyes and opened 'em again."

"Okay you can come out."

She grinned and climbed up into Danny's lap, taking a long drink of his root beer before settling back against him and sighing.

"So, what do you think about camping, baby?" Austin asked, leaning over to wipe a smudge off of Isa's face.

"I like it. Well, except for the outhouse, that part is pretty gross. But I like the rest."

"You didn't find any bugs in your bed did you?"

"Well come to think of it, I actually did find an earwig in the tent and I was about to squash it but then Avery jumped on it and there was no point in me stepping on it after that. I think she killed it all the way into its next life."

"That poor thing never saw it coming."

"Avery's like a linebacker."

"No one will disagree with that."

* * *

"Babe," Adam whispered softly, crouching down close to her. "Let's go for a walk."

"I just got in bed."

"I know. But it's our last night up here. C'mon, live a little."

"Okay, but I am not shedding any clothing at any point during this walk if that's what you were counting on."

"No, it's way too cold for that," he agreed, readily enough that he almost masked his disappointment. She gave him a small smirk and followed him out of the tent, pulling her shoes on and taking his hand. They walked away from the campsite to the trail that led down to the lake, but they took the opposite direction instead. She shivered and he pulled her closer, kissing her temple and breathing her in. It had been much too long since they'd been afforded quietness like this, especially when their souls both felt stillness too.

They came to a small clearing and she realized they'd walked uphill quite a bit because the lake was far below the rocky outcropping they stood on.

"How did you find this?"

"I didn't. Austin saw it when she went running this morning."

"I like it up here," she said with a deep sigh. "Feels like it's just us."

He nodded and held her close for a while, watching the occasional ripples on the surface of the lake.

"Remember that time it was storming and you called me to come over and watch it with you? And you laughed at me when I got there because I'd gotten wet in the rain."

"And you looked like a drowned rat."

"And we stood in front of that window for a long time, just like this. You told me why you loved storms so much and why you wanted me to come watch one with you. You know what I was thinking?"

"Hmm?"

"I was thinking, "This woman is incredible." I had never had anyone open up to me like that before. The fact that you were so in tune with yourself and your emotions and you were sharing that with me. I didn't have to ask, I didn't have to beg you to tell me how you felt, you just told me. So many times I knew that I had never met anyone like you before, but all the sudden you showed me again."

"No one else would have come."

"What?"

"No one else in the world would have come halfway across town to stand around and watch it rain with me. No one," she whispered. "Thank you."

"I'm just a proclaimer."

"What?" she giggled, turning to look at him.

"The Proclaimers one hit wonder _500 Miles_. I'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more to be with you."

"You're sweet. And cheesy. Mostly sweet."

"I'll take it."

"Remember that time we fell asleep watching _Braveheart_-"

"Riffing on _Braveheart_."

"And when we woke up, neither of us knew what time it was or what day it was or if we had to work. And your hair was sticking up and I'd lost a sock and after a minute we just laid there on the floor laughing."

"And then I kissed you," he added, pressing his lips to hers. "And then I kissed you again, and I couldn't stop."

She chuckled and buried her face in his chest.

"I love you."

"I love you too babe."

"I have to admit, I kind of wish it would start raining."

"How do you pack up camp in the rain?"

"Loosely."

"Don't wish for it too hard."

"I won't."

"Ready to go back yet?"

"Just a few more minutes."

The few minutes turned into almost an hour as they stood there together in the fresh air. Time had never been a factor for them really, but it seemed to slip even further away when they stood so far away from the rest of the world.

After a while his hand found hers again and he led her back down the trail. The campfire had been put out and Austin and Danny were already in their tent while various snores came from the direction of the kids. Lindsay walked over and peeked in on them, stepping inside to tuck them all in a little tighter. She dropped six kisses on six foreheads, then backed out of the tent and zipped it up.

By the time she joined Adam, he had all the blankets piled on top of him and was half asleep. Wrinkling her nose, she slid in beside him and tugged some blankets in her direction, managing to get half of one before he pulled it back.

"Oh now this is really not fair," she mumbled, burrowing as close to him as she could.

"This is," he replied, tucking his arm tightly around her waist. She smiled and rolled over towards him, reaching up to run her hand along his face.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I know that we'll always be okay, but someday, just in case we're not, I want you to know that I love you anyway. Always will."

"Babe, we're going to be fine. Nothing could ever make us grow apart."

"I know. But just in case."

"I'll always love you too. Even if you do worry too much."

"I don't think it's too much."

"Want to know what I think about?"

"Hmm?"

"Someday you're going to have to take care of me."

"I am?"

"I'm going to get old before you do. Will you take care of me?"

"Yeah. And I'll still love you then."

"Even if I'm weak and forgetful and crotchety and have no teeth?"

"Especially if you're weak and forgetful and crotchety and have no teeth."

"Crazy woman."

"Go to sleep. You need rest to fight off aging."

"Thanks for always being here in the morning."


	272. Chapter 272

"But I wanna keep campin'!" Ben whined, watching as the tent was rolled up. "I like swimmin' and sleepin' on the floor with Dunner! And I like eatin' outside, and even I like usin' the outhouse!"

"Yeah me too! Aunt Lin, will you take me and Binyin campin' again sometime? We really liked it!"

"Maybe sometime, boys."

"And the next time we could eat from the earth!" Ben said, perking up. "Berries and fish and grass and other things what we find!"

"I will eat leaves," Junior decided with a nod. "And maybe a bird of some kind. If I can figure out how to die it."

"Oh no, not eat birds!" Avery begged, scrunching up her face. "They so nice. They chirp an' sing just for us!"

"Okay sissy Aves, I won't eat birds. How about a snake?"

"Ew!" she laughed, clapping her hand over her mouth. "That most nasty."

"Yeah Daniel, what if you get poison in you?"

"I didn't figure that part out yet, Sarah. Maybe when you cook it all the poison comes out."

"Speaking of snakes, look at this one me and Colt caught!" Isa announced, running up holding a snake between her thumb and forefinger. "It's not a dangerous one, right Indy?"

"Isabeth Grace Messer what in the world told you it was okay to pick up a snake?" Austin shouted, torn between going over there and taking the animal from her daughter, and staying where she was where she wouldn't have to touch it.

"Colt did! We looked in his book first to make sure of how to do it."

"Isa did it just like Steve Irwin, Austin! She did great. She even said "Crikey! Danger, danger, danger!"

Isa nodded proudly and used her free hand to pet the snake, which was obviously very uncomfortable and cranky.

"It's just a garter snake," Colton reported, holding his field guide open to the right page. "We made sure before we played with it. See, the markings are just the same. It's not poisonous either. It tried to bite us but we learned how to handle them long ago, so we were ready. So what should we do with it?"

"Let it go," all four parents chorused, in various states of irritation.

"But mama, look at him! See how part of his tail is different? It had to grow back because it got chopped off."

"Yes, but if we don't make you let it go now you'll want to take it home and we're not recreating _Snakes on a Plane_ no matter how readily available the jokes would be."

"We'd better put it back, Isa. When mama does that tone of voice, she means business."

They trudged back into the bushes and let the snake go while Ben and Junior looked on longingly, wishing they too had been a part of the adventure.

"Alright kids who wants to go swimming one last time?"

There were whoops and hollers from all six kids, who had been wearing their swimsuits since mid-morning the day before, and had already taken one dip early this morning but found the water much too cold.

"Why don't you girls take the kids and Danny and I will load the car."

"How chivalrous of you."

"Yeah well, I was counting on you getting a little more tan so you best go work on that."

"Adam you're weird."

"Thanks babe, I try."

"C'mon kidlets, let's go swim."

They made their way down to the lake and the big kids ran directly into the water while Avery toddled out on the dock, laying down and peering over the side into the water. She reached over and patted at it gently, then swirled her finger around, hoping that some fish would come over to nibble on it.

"Mama, there whales in the lake?" she asked after a moment, her face scrunching in concentration.

"No, there's only whales in the ocean."

"Oh. Sharks?"

"Not in the lake."

"Oh. Mama, what live in lake?"

"Just some trout and maybe a few frogs and some periwinkles."

"Avery wanna live in lake. Like frogs. I sleep on big leaves!"

"A lily pad?"

"Yes! A lily pad. You come visit?"

"Sure, I'd like that. What would we do at your lily pad?"

"Oh, just ribbitt."

Austin laughed and sat down next to Avery, leaning over to kiss the top of her head.

"Could I come visit you too?"

"Oh yes. Austin, you help me catch flies!"

"You're very strange, Averylin Grace."

"I know. Coley tell me an' Ben that."

She turned back to the water, humming to herself and getting lost in a world in her head.

"Hey Linds, if Ben can swim just as well as the rest of the kids, why does he still wear water wings?"

"He says he pretends they're his arm muscles."

"He's my hero sometimes."

"I know, he's crazy. But half his ideas come from Junior."

"They're going to be so much fun as they get older."

"I know."

"I really would like to stay here for a long time and not go back to work," Austin said, stretching a little before laying back against the dock.

"You don't like work or you like here better?"

"I don't know. I guess I just like who I am out here. I don't feel like I have to be rough around the edges."

"Who says you have to be anyway?"

"No one. It's just a part of myself that I've really built up. It's the Austin everyone knows. Everyone thinks I'm harsh and sassy and that I don't take things seriously. But that's not me, Lin."

"I know that's not you. And I think you'd be surprised at how many people know that there's more to you than your "tough as nails, don't take no crap from anyone, don't you dare bring the color pink around me" persona."

"I feel like it's time for a change. Like I need to focus on something else career-wise."

"You've been feeling that for a while."

"You know, I arrest bad guys, I can help to prevent other bad things from happening, I carry a badge and a gun to try and instill some kind of safety into the people of our city, but at the end of the day I don't feel like I've done a thing. I feel like I'm burnt out."

"No one burns out, Aust. They just lose focus. You've become so used to your job that to you it's nothing extraordinary. It's like the first time you eat pineapple with cayenne pepper versus the hundredth time you eat it. It's exactly the same, but it's so normal that it's lost its… specialness. You know what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I know. Maybe I just need a break. Ride a desk for a while."

"Austin, you would go stir crazy in five minutes. I think what you want is to do good for more people. You want to do something that will affect the city, not just a few people in it."

"Yeah. It's not like I want my name on anything, or that I feel like some kind of hero. I just wish that what I did reached more people, that somehow, maybe the good could start to outweigh the bad."

"That's why we raise kids, Aust. That's why we teach them to be the best people that they can be, because we can't change the world on our own. It's going to be years and years and it might be when our great-great-great-great-great grandchildren are our age that it starts to happen, or it may never. The goodness we put in the world is not in the job we do, but the people we raise. Our job is clean up. It doesn't change people's hearts."

"It's discouraging."

"I know. Sometimes I sit and think about the changes the kids will get to see in their lives. I'm sure there will be bad ones, but there will be good ones too. I look forward to that for them."

"I wonder if twenty-five years from now, they'll all be sitting around like this, watching all their kids play together."

"I hope so. I know they'll grow up and they might grow apart but I hope that at least sometimes they all get together as a family again."

"I was thinking the other day about when it was just Colton, and how he used to just bask in all the attention. Then Isa came along and since then it's just been like a gathering storm."

Lindsay chuckled and watched as the kids splashed in the water without a care in the world. She'd give anything to make these times last just a little longer.

* * *

"So how did you kids like camping?" Dale asked as all the kids flooded back into the house, chattering excitedly.

"It was so fun Papa!" Colton answered. "We did so much stuff. Daddy says we all stink and have to have baths and Aves is first because she put mud all over herself."

"Oh, did you really do that, Sparkles?"

"Yep!" she shouted with a grin. "An' papa, now it time, we go see Taylor an' the baby!"

"Well you'd better get cleaned up before you go."

"Oh yes," she agreed, heading upstairs. "Someone come help me!"

Adam finished bringing the luggage in then followed her while the rest of the kids told Dale and Anne all about the camping trip, including the snake they found and how Danny had burnt the eggs that morning. Apparently his shrieking had been highly amusing and Isa was the first to dramatically reenact the whole thing.

"Hey now, that's not very nice, kiddo. I didn't jump around like a fairy!"

"But you did ask Indy if you were gonna start a forest fire."

"How about you Benjamin? You've been pretty quiet. How did you like camping?"

"It was fine and dandy," he answered with a grin. "I like hearin' 'bout what everyone else thinked of it. Next time mama said maybe we could go fishing. Sarah said she doesn't want to touch slimy fish and I agreed. So me and her will watch."

"Yeah, Benjamin and I like to look for bugs so we can do that while everyone else catches fish. Benjamin is real good at finding rolly-pollys."

"Yep, I am! Papa, could we ride horses now?"

"After you get back from Taylors and after dinner we'll let you guys ride."

"Whoo-hoo! Dunner, we could be like the guys from Bonanza!"

"Okay, I will be Hoss."

The boys ran off to plan their escapade while Colton, Isa and Sarah took their bags upstairs to the bedrooms.

"So what are you guys going to do while we're gone?" Lindsay asked counting the sleeping bags to make sure all of them had been brought in.

"I think we'll just stay here and let the kids play outside," Austin answered with a shrug. Originally she'd wanted to go into town for ice-cream, but she had no energy left for that. "How long are you going to be?"

"Maybe an hour. I don't want to overwhelm her with the kids, you know?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea."

"Mama, daddy says it's my turn for a bath!" Ben announced, skipping back into the room. "I need to get my clothes."

"What would you like to wear?"

"Well since we are meetin' a new baby, I think I would like to wear my fancies."

"Ben, I didn't pack your fancies."

"Don't fret mama, I packed them. Even my shoes with the toe brushes. You will have to iron out all the wrinkles. And help me with my tie."

"Okay sweetie."

He went upstairs to take his bath while Lindsay's parents watched him, their eyes wide.

"Is he always like that?"

"Binyin is always doin' weird things," Junior commented, shaking his head. "That's why he doesn't got many friends but me."

"Daniel, that's not nice to say."

"It's okay ma, that's what Binyin even said to me before. He knows it. See, he's the kind of chap that doesn't need a lot of friends to feel important."

"I suppose he told you that too because you never would have come up with the word chap on your own."

"Probably. I'm gonna go play with sissy Aves now that she's out of the bath, but not if Sarah gets to her first."

He ran up the stairs and Austin laughed.

"So Lin, what was it you were saying earlier about the kids maybe growing apart?"

"Obviously I was wrong."

"First time! Mark a calendar!"

"I've been wrong before."

"You've never admitted it. This is cause for celebration, possibly fireworks and a champagne bottle broken over your head to christen you on your maiden voyage into the deep oceans of making a mistake."

"Apparently melo-drama runs deep with you guys."

* * *

Avery had never been so still and quiet in her life, even in her sleep. Even though her arms were too short, she was cradling Nolan as best she could with the help of some pillows, and kept leaning down to kiss him and tell him stories. She'd informed the boys very plainly that Nolan was a baby and she was not because she was so much bigger, then promptly climbed onto the couch and held her arms out, awaiting the sleeping bundle. The boys crowded around to look and had both given the baby little pats on the hand, but were more interested in seeing the model cars Josh had than staring at a sleeping baby.

"Mama, see how I a big girl?" Avery whispered, grinning from ear to ear. "Baby Nolan, he likes me. Right Tater? He likes me?"

"I think he does, sweetie. He's been a little fussy today but he seems pretty happy right now."

"He know how I love him. That why he happy. Later when we go bye-bye, he will say "where did Avery go?" He will miss me."

"Maybe we'll just have to talk on Skype more often so you can see him."

"Okay! See Baby Nolan, I not go 'way for long."

She kissed his cheek again and started to hum softly, rocking ever so slightly back and forth, staring at him in concentration.

"I love you so most," she whispered, kissing the end of his nose. "You be my buddy. Someday you see my Sarah. She the bestest. She love me an' I love her. We best friends. She so smart too. She teach you what she teach me. An' I teach you the rest, okay Baby Nolan?"

He didn't respond and she scrunched up her brow, glancing over at Lindsay.

"Mama, he not say yes."

"He's sleeping honey. He'll say yes when he wakes up."

"Why you cryin' mama?"

"It's okay sweetie," she assured, sitting down next to her daughter. "I'm just very proud of how grown up you look. My little baby isn't so little anymore."

"Yeah, I guess. I growin' on up. Austin say that too and then she give me a squeezy hug an' kiss. Mama, maybe you have 'nother baby!"

"No, daddy and I are pretty happy with just you three."

"Oh. I be the baby, but Baby Nolan too. His skin so nice mama. It feel gentle on me. He smell good. Sweet Baby Nolan, you is most precious."

She continued to fuss over him, clucking her tongue and cradling him closer, never once complaining that her arms were tired or that she was bored. She just sat there and held him as if it was the most important thing in her life.

Twenty minutes later it was time to go and Avery was having a hard time relinquishing her newfound love back to his parents. She tried to bargain with them, offering to take care of the baby for them, then asking if she could live with them so she could see the baby all the time. All her efforts were met with no's and she dropped her shoulders in defeat, finding comfort in her daddy's arms while everyone else said goodbye. Once she was in the car she perked up a little regaling the boys with her thoughts about Nolan, babies, and life in general.

"I grow up big an' I be a mama," she declared. "I be a good one. Like our mama. An' I love my babies an' play with them."

"I think you'd be a good mama, Aves. Because you love people so much. That's important you know."

"And you would be fun!" Ben added with a grin. "The same way how mama makes up fun games for us to play. You would be crazy like that and your kids will like you like we like mama."

"Yes? I be a good mama? Oh I so happy! It be soon. I have baby soon."

"You can't have a baby until you're all done with school," Adam reminded her, watching her reaction in the mirror.

"That so long daddy!"

"I know, but it will fly by and you will look back and wonder why you ever wanted to grow up so fast."

"I wanna be a mama," she said again with a nod.

"It's still your turn to be a kid though," Ben said thoughtfully. "Just ask Sarah, she will tell you."

"Okay I do that. I ask my Sarah."

She crossed her arms and stared out the window while Adam reached for Lindsay's hand, knowing she was feeling a little sad about the whole thing. She wasn't too keen on the kids growing up quickly but for Avery to already be planning on motherhood at the age of three, that was a little too much.

"She's still your baby," he assured, even as Avery began to tell the boys what kind of house she wanted.

"I know. She's just growing up faster than I want her to."

"It's different with her."

"It's easy to see me when I look at her. That's scary. I just want to keep her safe."

"She is safe. Right now we have to prepare her for the times when she won't be."

"Well if I can keep her little then she'll always be safe."

"Linds."

"I know. I'm still having a hard time letting her grow up. It'll pass. Either it will pass or I will pass but either way, she'll grow up and have whatever family she wants and she'll be okay. Just like you."

"I am okay, aren't I?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for being the thing that made me okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

"I think this has been the best trip ever. We all needed it pretty bad."

"Yeah."

"I don't want to go home yet."

"We still have one more day."

"No, I mean back to my parents. Not just yet. Can we drive?"

"Just tell me where."

* * *

By four in the morning, Lindsay had given up on sleeping and got up from bed, much to the delight of Adam who normally loved sleeping beside her, but had had an uncomfortable night due to her tossing and turning. She leaned over and kissed him gently in apology, then left the bedroom, peeking in the one across the hall to check on the boys before going downstairs. Within minutes the coffee was started and the morning paper was pulled up on the computer and she sat reading quietly as the sun tried slowly to peek over the mountains.

There was a creak in the floor and she looked up, finding a sleepy Isa standing in the kitchen doorway, her long hair spilling around her and her hands clasped together under her chin. She looked like she was three years old again and Lindsay smiled, motioning for her to come in.

"I couldn't sleep anymore," Isa explained, climbing into Lindsay's lap with a sigh. "Just wanted to go outside again."

"It's too cold right now but later this morning."

"I didn't know you were awake."

"I didn't sleep so good. Want some coffee?"

Isa nodded and pulled the mug into her hands, breathing in the scent before taking a drink.

"I like coffee in the morning," she said softly, putting the mug back down. "Indy, I really love it here."

"Me too."

"I don't want to go home. I just want… I just want to stay here forever. And be free. I want to learn to ride a horse without a saddle and without reigns so me and that horse can just go anywhere and nothing will hold us back. I want to live in a place that is big enough for me. Sometimes in the city with all the buildings I feel like I'm in a jail. I can't just run and run and run. I could do that here. I could run and I could spin round and I could sing as loud as I wanted to. And it wouldn't bother anyone. But also there aren't many people here, so I would be heard."

"We always hear you, Isa."

"I know. I just mean that I wouldn't get lost in a city that has so many people. It feels like everyone matters more here. Like how your mom and dad treat me and Sarah and Daniel just like their own grandkids. That's really nice. I like that. People aren't like that in the city. Besides our family I mean."

"It's a different world here."

"In school we did a project where we had to write about if we were an animal what we would be and why. And a lot of girls picked dolphins and cats and things because they're cute. But I picked a homing pigeon. Because no matter how far they go or even how long they're away, they always come back home. And I want to be free and I want to see new places but I still want to come home. Ma explained to me that home isn't always a place, home is people and a feeling. Like how I feel home when you hold me like this and I feel home when me and daddy watch baseball, and I feel home when I go to the precinct and sit in Flack's chair, and I feel home when Papaw holds my hand and tells me he loves me. I think no matter how old I get, those things that make me feel home, I will always want them. Even someday when I'm an old lady, I will still want your lap, and baseball games with daddy, and sitting in Flack's chair, and holding Papaw's hand."

"Isabeth Grace," Lindsay started, feeling odd using her whole name. "I used to think that you were just like your mom, but the more you grow up, the more I see this amazing person you're becoming. You may be like your mom in so many ways, and I love that about you, but what I like even more is getting to know just you. Just Isa. I love you so much sweetie and I can't wait to watch you be free and I can't wait to see you come home too."

"I feel home here too, Indy. I feel it in the wind, and the way the dirt feels on the bottom of my feet, and I feel it when I look at the mountains all around and it seems like they're protecting us from everything in the world."

"That is exactly how I felt growing up."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I don't think I realized it until I was much older, but those are the same things I felt as a kid."

"Indy, I don't want to leave. I want to feel this feeling forever."

"I might have a solution to your problem," Lindsay said after a moment. "Give me a few minutes."

Isa nodded and moved into another chair while Lindsay stood up and went upstairs, being as quiet as she could as she crept into her old bedroom where Sarah and Avery were sleeping soundly, curled up in the bed together. She opened the closet and found the box that Avery had stumbled upon so many months ago, lifting the top and sorting through it until she found what she was looking for. Putting the box back into the closet, she made a quick detour outside before returning to the kitchen where Isa had finished the cup of coffee and was pouring another.

"I have something for you."

"What is it?"

Lindsay held up the old chain and Isa inspected the glass vial that hung from it.

"This was for sea monkeys a long time ago, but my brother flushed them," Lindsay explained, uncorking the bottle. "I know you can't take everything with you, but I figured maybe just a little bit of Montana dirt inside might help to remind you of that feeling."

"Why is there so much space left?"

"So you can add a little bit of earth from everywhere you go. Everywhere that you find a little bit of home."

Isa blinked several times, tried to ward off tears of unknown origins. She'd never felt quite so understood before. It made her heart feel wobbly and she wrapped her hand around the glass vial, looking at the dirt that was still damp with morning dew. She put the cork on tightly and pulled on the chain to make sure it was sturdy, then slipped it around her neck. It rested against her skin and she placed her hand over it, closing her eyes and thinking about the feeling this place gave her, hoping it would never go away.

"Thank you Indy. Thank you."

"You're welcome, my girl. Want to help me make breakfast?"

"Sure. Will you not tell anyone the stuff I told you?"

"Of course honey. It's just between us."

"I love you Indy."

"I love you too Isa. Thank you for telling me all that stuff."

"Thanks for listening."


	273. Chapter 273

A/N: I am so sorry updates are coming slowly. I have no excuses other than writers block and the lull between fictional events. I'll try harder, I promise! In the meantime, you can check out my other story if the spirit moves you as such.

* * *

Papers covered every inch of the table in the conference room, boxes full of evidence were stacked up in the corner, half empty coffee mugs stood on every other available surface and three bottles of pain reliever were lost somewhere in the mess. Mac had been up for almost 48 hours now, pouring over case material, rereading old law books that he had previously sworn he would never touch again, and spending hours on the phone with the district attorney's office. This case was wearing on him more than a lot of others had, and he was slowly losing his faith in the justice system. The prosecutor assigned to their case was dragging his feet, claiming that the case wasn't actionable, then would share any new evidence with the defense, who had been hired by the suspect before an arrest had even been made. The entire thing was backwards and everyone was at the end of their rope trying to come up with anything they could to do force the case into court.

In the last hour Mac had gotten into arguments over the phone with the DA, the chief of police, and with Flack, who had innocently called to check up on the case. He slammed the phone down and swore causing Lindsay and Austin to both look up at him, eyes wide.

"We've got to find something," he said gruffly, rubbing at his eyes before he turned and left the room.

"Jo said she's trying to talk him into retiring," Lindsay said softly, just in case anyone else walked into the room. "She said the doctor is worried about his blood pressure and the ulcer he had last year is coming back."

"I never think about the fact that he's older than us. That he's put in so many more hours. I can't see him retiring, ever."

"I can't either. But look at him, Aust. He's losing weight, he's angry all the time… this job is killing him now."

"I know. He's just always been there, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Well let's get back to work and come up with something we can use."

"We have everything we need," Lindsay sighed. "The problem is that old what's his name refuses to prosecute. I don't know why, we have evidence like crazy."

"We have evidence but we don't have a witness or a confession. Hoffman won't prosecute without all three."

"He won't even call Greg Eastmont a suspect, but doesn't think it's weird that Eastmont hired a lawyer already."

"Eastmont hired a lawyer because he's a rich goon who wants to launch his own investigation into his wife's murder."

"And his lawyer wants to see all the evidence as we find it which means we have no secrets from the defense, on the off chance this ever goes to trial."

"We've gone over and under and through all this stuff fifteen times and all I can conclude is that Greg Eastmont killed his wife and because he's rich he'll never see the inside of a court room."

"To be fair a lot of what we have is circumstantial, but all of it together… it's impossible that it's all coincidental."

"If coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived? Isn't that what you and Adam always say?"

"Yeah. It's like we're doing a dot to dot puzzle and we know what the end picture is but until we connect that last one, no one will believe us."

"I just don't know what else we can do. All the DNA was degraded so while it doesn't definitively say it's his, we can't count him out, or about fifteen million other people in the world. Any trace of him we find on her can be explained away because they lived together. No forced entry into the house means nothing if he admits that he might not have locked all the doors the night before."

Lindsay sighed and ran her fingers through her hair frustratedly, all the pieces of evidence in the case swimming before her closed eyelids.

"Basically every lead is a dead end legally. If he was a stranger, if they weren't married and didn't live together, we'd have him. It's just not fair. Leah Eastmont will never have justice because the DA refuses to prosecute the case. It doesn't come down to science or law, it comes down to politics and money."

"And that's why Mac is having such a hard time with this one. He can't out-science them, he can't out-lawyer them. He has no pull politically and he doesn't have millions of dollars to put on his side of the scale," Austin grumbled, ripping a spare piece of paper up into small squares. "I don't know what else to do. All the evidence is in. All the interviews are done. We're left here with everything and nothing at the same time."

"So what should we do?"

"I have no idea."

"I'm going to go grab coffee and dinner. Call home and make sure the kids haven't killed Adam yet."

"You act like your kids are hellions."

Lindsay chuckled and stood up, stretching for a moment.

"The boys are fine, they just bicker a lot. Avery has been a new brand of crazy lately. Somehow your klutziness rubbed off on her and when she falls down she either bursts into tears or starts laughing hysterically at the top of her lungs. She's also started seeing what kinds of things she can put in her hair and have them stay there. Her favorite is Legos, she snaps two pieces around a strand of hair then shakes her head and says her hair is singing."

"Your kid is so, so weird."

"I know. Sometimes I just stare at her and wonder how she got that way. Want me to grab dinner for you too?"

"I'm not sure how long I'll stay, but if you're bringing Chinese…"

"I'll be back in a bit. See if you can get Mac to agree to food."

"I'll work on it."

* * *

"You food-cheated on me," Adam mumbled sleepily as Lindsay flopped face first into bed a few hours later.

"How could you tell?"

"You seem satisfied and like you're hiding something. You had Chinese."

"Yeah."

He quirked his eyebrow and rolled over, waiting for her normal banter but nothing came.

"Babe?"

"Hmm?"

"You okay?"

She gave a few grunts that either meant she didn't have the energy for words or she didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't sure which.

"How's the case going?"

A low hiss escaped her and he chuckled, finding his answer. She turned her head to face him, her eyes bleary and her expression dire. He reached over and rubbed her neck and she stayed quiet for a few minutes, forcing the thoughts in her head to trickle slowly, rather than storm the gates as if starting a war.

"We're not going to win this one," she whispered after a while, closing her eyes.

"Why not?"

"The prosecutor assigned to the case is standing in the way of search warrants, telling us to just ask Eastmont for his phone records and stuff. He says he's not a suspect so we shouldn't need warrants. But then he turns around and says Eastmont is a suspect and as such, all material is discoverable and we need to hand it over to the defense. I don't know if he's inept or if he's in someone's pocket. And the DA won't assign another lawyer. It's like everywhere we go is a dead end because this guy has money."

"I'm sorry babe."

"I've never heard Mac swear so much."

"His job is wearing on him a lot."

"Yeah," she agreed softly with a nod. "I don't know where to go next. All the evidence is right there. I know he did it, I know he killed his wife. We all know he did it, even his lawyer acts like he knows it too. But he's never going to see the inside of a jail cell, and his wife will never have any justice. He'll probably marry again, live his life as if nothing happened. Her file will go into cold storage and it will sit there for years until it's forgotten."

"Sweetie, it's not the end yet," he said, brushing away the tear that had leaked from her eye. "You don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next day."

"It's not fair. I want to be able to come home and not think about it."

"Hey, let me promise you something."

"What?"

"If I ever kill you, I'll turn myself in."

"Austin would kill you back first."

"I don't doubt it but my intentions after the fact would be honorable."

"You're demented."

He smiled and nudged her gently until she scooted over and curled up in his arms, pulling the blankets close around them even though it was already warm enough in the room.

"Are you going to change?"

"My clothes? Oh."

He chuckled and she made quick work of throwing her blouse and skirt on the floor, then pulling a pillow into a better position.

"Comfy, your highness?"

"For now. Except I'm hungry."

"You ate dinner already!"

"I know but that was hours ago. Let's go have food."

He sighed as she stood up from the bed, seemingly renewed at the thought of sustenance.

"C'mon babe. Aren't you hungry too?"

"For sleep."

She held her hand out to him and he stood up, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissing her cheek.

"Are the kids completely asleep?" she whispered as they started carefully down the stairs.

"Should be. Why?"

"I don't think I want them seeing us raiding the fridge in our underwear."

"We should be safe. So what are you hungry for?"

"Brownies sound good. Did you make any today perchance?"

"No."

"Dang. Well, I guess we're just going to have to do a little searching. Ooh, cookies."

"You're odd, do you know that?"

"I'm odd but I'm yours."

"Absolutely. Milk with the cookies? In bed? You know it's the best cure for a bad day."

"Okay. Will you read to me too?"

"Are you four?"

"No, but I like when you read to me. It makes me feel safe."

"Alright then, I will get this ready and you go ahead and find a book and I'll meet you upstairs."

She smiled and slid her arms around him, nuzzling into him and sighing deeply.

"I love you."

"I love you too. Everything is gonna be okay."

"Can we just never leave the house ever again?"

"I suppose we can order in for food for a while, but we're going to have to go out to pick up certain necessary items because you're still fertile and I don't want to deliver a surprise baby on the living room rug."

"Okay so hiding from the world isn't going to happen long-term, but possibly a week of the hermit lifestyle?"

"Will you be partially clothed like this the whole time?"

"I could be."

"Then let's schedule it. Now go get that book."

"Okay."

They met back upstairs a few minutes later, sliding under the covers and sharing the plate of cookies he'd brought. Their conversation was light and happy, and when the cookies were gone he pulled her into his arms, kissed her forehead and tucked her hair behind her ear. Her breath hitched in her throat and she held him tighter, trying not to cry but feeling herself without any defenses against it.

"Please don't die," she begged.

"Baby, I'm not going to die."

"Yes, someday. And I can't, I won't know… I can't be without you."

"Sweetheart, that's not going to happen for a long time."

"Please let me go first. I don't want to be left alone again."

"I can't control-"

"Just promise me."

"Okay," he soothed, tipping her chin up and looking her in the eye. "I promise you that I will do everything in my power to stick around for as long as possible and I will try to let you go first. In the meantime, I am going to spend every day loving you, so that when we're apart, you have all that to draw from and you don't feel alone. Okay?"

"I can't stop thinking about it. Ever since this case started that's all I can think about, it's all I dream about. It's like I'm plagued with the thought of you dying."

"Lindsay, I'm here right now. That's all we have for sure. We can't spend our lives planning for and worrying about death. Then when it comes we'll just be looking back on all the time we wasted."

"I'm scared."

"I would be too if I was thinking about it all the time."

"I'm sorry, but once I start thinking about it I can't stop."

"I understand. I know that a lot of it has to do with what happened all those years ago. That's okay."

"I'm sorry Adam. I know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with."

"Easy or not I love you anyway. We all come with quirks and if we didn't we'd just be boring and flat and have no life to us. I wanted a wife, not a paperdoll."

She chuckled and he wrapped around her a little tighter until she seemed to calm down and get control of the fears.

"Babe, we have a lot of years left in us. A lot. I for one am living until I'm 100 so I'm not even half way there yet. Plus if we get Alzheimers, we can re-fall in love every day."

"You're silly."

"Do you feel better?"

"A little. Enough to go to sleep."

"Good. Then I'll stay right here with you all night. And in the morning, we'll both still be breathing."

"I think that's one of the most romantic things you've ever said to me."

"Something to work on then. Go to sleep."

"Goodnight. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

"… and if I hear one more sound bite about the police not cooperating with the investigation you'll find out along with the rest of the city just how far apart we are on this issue."

Mac hung up the phone and began to pace behind his desk, not noticing anyone had come into the room. He had a headache, he hadn't slept in two days and for all the work and pain, they were still getting nowhere.

"Mac?"

"What Lindsay?"

"I just got back the third confirmation of the DNA from Quantico. They can't definitively say it's Eastmont's DNA because of the degradation. They agree that it could have been there from a time when he did laundry or many other things like that."

"I told you it was a waste of time to send it down there."

"I know but-"

"You did it anyway when I told you not to."

"I was just trying to get more opinions on our side and build a stronger case-"

"There's nothing wrong with our case Lindsay, what's wrong is the justice system in this city!"

"Mac-"

"Next time I tell you not to do something, don't do it!"

"But-"

"I'm running this investigation, not you, so don't second guess me and don't go behind my back!"

"I'm sorry," she said softly, backing out of the room and trying not to take it too personally. She knew he was just letting his frustrations out and she was the one standing there at the time, but seeing him so angry really bothered her. She'd never heard him talk like that to anyone, though she had heard horror stories about what happened when he had to mete out a punishment.

Walking down the hall she stepped into the office she shared with Danny, leaving the light off and sinking down into her desk chair dropping the files into the glossy surface and sighing deeply. This case would stay with all of them long after it had reached its conclusion.

"What are you sittin' in the dark for?" Danny asked, flipping on the lights.

"Turn those back off."

"Hangover?"

"Sure."

He turned the lights back off and she closed her eyes, wishing that she was at home and in bed rather than here.

"Still stuck on the case?"

"More or less," she admitted, handing the file to him. It wasn't very big, just the highlights and he thumbed through it quickly by the light from the hallway.

"No wonder Mac's been fuming so much lately."

"I know."

"Has anyone given Eastmont a lie detector test?"

"No. Mac says it would be a waste of time because they're inadmissible in court. Which is fine, but it might give us a new avenue, you know? What is he lying about, what did we not expect, those kinds of things. Mac is paranoid about every step we take now. I understand that but now I feel like I can't investigate anything. I want to look into those rumors of an affair again. We pretty much ruled it out but I just can't shake the feeling that there's something more. Something buried here in all these papers."

"Linds, I know I'm not normally very cheesy and I don't usually tell you anything nice, but I want you to listen to me right now."

"Okay."

"This case and what's happening right now is not a reflection on you or Mac or anyone else involved. It doesn't mean this lab isn't good enough or that you're not god enough. You need to remember that or you're going to burn out on this case and that's not good. You hear me?"

"I hear you. You're pretty good at this pep talk thing when you set your mind to it."

"I had to practice on Austin last night. She came home madder'n a dog crapping tacks."

"Gross Danny."

"It wasn't pretty."

"Thanks for the talk anyway."

He gave a slight nod that conveyed all he needed to say and she nodded with a smile, letting him know the message was received.

"So anything I can do to help out?"

"No, it's just a waiting game at this point."

"Waiting for?"

"Mac to cool off and come up with what we should do next. In the meantime, I think typing all these endless reports up might be prudent. Want to help me with that, huh?" she asked, smiling.

"I love you like a sister but that's not enough to do paperwork."

"What if I paid you in chocolate?"

"I don't really like chocolate that much actually."

"I can't win, can I?"

"Someday, Montana. Don't worry."

* * *

"Why don't you take Ben to his eye appointment? That should cheer you up," Adam suggested turning on the dishwasher and glancing over at Lindsay. Her shoulders slumped a little and she sighed with a nod.

"Hey," he said, tossing a potholder at her. "You said you weren't going to bring this case home."

"I know I did. I'm trying. And it's really not the case, it's Mac."

"Honey, you can't take it so personally."

"I'm not. I know I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But he's not doing so well, Adam. I'm worried that he's going to push himself too far."

"We've always worried about that."

"I know. But today I looked at him and realized how old he's gotten. And it kind of breaks my heart. I don't think he can do this anymore."

"Babe, he knows what he's capable of. Jo's taking care of him and his doctor has advised that he step back. I think we should just let this case ride out and when it's over maybe it's something you could talk to him about."

"Maybe. Ben let's get to gettin' if we're gonna get goin'."

"I was just washin' my glasses," he said, jumping down the stairs. "I don't want the eyeball doc to think I don't take care of my things."

"Did you get the jelly from yesterday off of them?"

"Yep! It taked some scrubbin' but they are clean as a whistle now. I can even see through all of them, not just a little part in the middle! It's quite a sight to behold. C'mon whoever is takin' me, I can't drive there by myself!"

"I'm taking you but I need to find some shoes."

"I can find 'em. You'd like sandals right? I'll be back in a flash."

He ran off to find the sandals and Lindsay laughed, grabbing her sunglasses and keys off the counter. Adam was right, Ben was cheering her up, just with his happiness about life in general.

"I fetched them mama! Just in time to protect your pretty little feet. Here, put your toes in and I will do the buckles for you."

She obeyed trying not to laugh at his assistance.

"Daddy never puts my shoes on me anymore. You're a real gentleman, Ben Ry."

"That's because you're my special sweetheart mama."

She smiled and lifted him into her arms, hugging him as close as she could.

"I love you little man."

"I love you to mama! C'mon and shake a leg."

"Like this?" she asked, wiggling her leg back and forth while he sighed.

"Mama, you're bizarre."

"That's pretty ironic comin' from you dude. Let's get scootin'."

"How many ways can you say "let's go?"" Adam asked with a grin.

"About twelve more. We'll see you later."

"Bye Cole!" Ben hollered up the stairs. "Bye sissy! I will bring you back some stories from the doctors!"

"Bye Ben! I love you so most!"

He took Lindsay's hand and they left the house, Ben skipping across the porch and down the steps to the car.

"Boy, it's hotter than a oyster in here."

"What does that mean buddy?"

"I dunno, just that it's real hot! I like the summer but I don't like gettin' burned on the seatbelt."

"Me neither."

He sighed and sat back in his seat, waiting for the air conditioner to kick on as they made their way out of the neighborhood.

"Mama, I am glad you're taking me today. I haven't seen you much in the meantime."

"I know. I'm sorry buddy. Work has just been really busy."

"That's okay because you're doin' somethin' what you love. I just wish you could be in two places at once."

"Me too. I miss you kids a lot when I'm at work and a lot of times I just want to come home and see you."

"We'd like you to do that sometimes if you could. I am glad you're home today. And I like that you're takin' me to the eye doctor. Means we can spend some special time together."

"That's true."

"Know what mama? If you was a booger, I'd pick you first!"

He cackled with delight and she chuckled glancing at him in the mirror.

"Where'd you hear that?"

"A Valen-times card from school many, many days ago! I been rememberin' it to say at just the right time."

"Benjamin, I love you so very, very much."

"I know that," he sighed, leaning forward in his seat. "Put your hand back here so I could hold it."

She smiled and obeyed knowing that the days of him wanting to hold her hand were coming to an end.

"Hey mama?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"I just gotta say that I love you. I like that forever I will be your son and you will be my mama and we will always be a part of each other. Cole 'splained it to me last night when we was talkin' before sleep. He said that when you are in a family you can't get out of it. And I am glad for that because I don't ever wanna live on a earth where you are not my mama."

She blinked back tears and looked at him in the mirror, finding his eyes full of deep thought.

"Ben, would it be okay if when we get out of the car I just hugged you for a really long time?"

"Of course, if we could find some cool air or shade first. I just don't wanna get too sweaty."

"I understand."

"Are you all cheered up now? I sure hope so. I don't like to see you down in the dumps. It makes my heart hurt a little."

"I feel much better honey."

"Now all we gotta work on is your worryin'. You should try your best to stop that because worryin' don't change nothin'. Worryin' just makes your tummy upset but it don't change other things. That's what Isa telled me once. So the thing what you are worryin' about maybe just stop for now and be happy that life is good."

"I am happy, Ben. I'm very happy."

"I am such a great problem solver," he chuckled, looking out the window.

"Yes you are sweetie."

"When you go back to work, will you tell Mac that, so he can come to me with his problems? I will help him and then no one will be worried! I will save the day."

"It might not be that easy, Ben."

"That's okay. I am not scared of hard work."

She smiled and glanced at him in the mirror again, squeezing his little hand and deciding that for right now, he could live in a world where everything always turned out okay and nothing was ever as bad as it seemed.


	274. Chapter 274

A/N: Whoever is reading this bless you for not giving up on me! 2013 has brought horrendous writers block. I've been trying but transitional sentences seem to elude me. I want to give you guys the best that I can and that's been taking an extraordinarily long time. I really appreciate you for tuning in despite this!

* * *

"Okay so the defense attorney is kind of a perv," Austin whispered as court was called to order. "He'll waggle his eyebrows at you when he thinks he's backed you into a corner. Also, he leans close when he asks you questions and he has terrible breath. Call attention to that, it flusters him."

Lindsay snickered and tried to keep a straight face because this really was important. The Eastmont case had finally gone to trial, as unsure as they were that they would get a conviction, based on the laziness of the prosecutor. They could do their best but they weren't really banking on this going the way it should.

"The judge is fair, probably the only thing we have going for us right now so don't pull a me and let your mouth run away with you."

"I'll remember that."

"I know you've done court before but…"

"This one's different, I know."

Austin nodded and sat back as the proceedings started up. They were all nervous knowing that this was their only chance to get a conviction and that they couldn't try the case again later. If they lost, the only thing they could do would be to hold out hope for new evidence that a judge would accept as big enough for a retrial. The only other thing that they could do would be to charge Eastmont with obstruction of justice, a pathetic attempt to get him to serve some jail time. But in the end, if they didn't win this case, there was really no making up for it.

Lindsay and Austin sat and took notes as inconspicuously as they could, trying to take in the turns of phrase and irrelevant points being brought up by both sides of the case. It was like being in a college lecture, only this was real life and no one was slinking in the back door in their pajamas.

Mac sat on the other side of Austin, elbows on his knees, sighing repeatedly and eating Tums as if they were candy. He looked much worse for the wear and hadn't said much all day long, save for a few grunts of annoyance when the prosecutor had dared to shake his hand. Jo had been eyeing him skeptically for days, trying to distract him from the case, asking his opinion on where they should go for a weekend away, but it was no use. His mind was so wrapped up in the case he wasn't even registering anything else. He didn't just look old. He looked done.

They sat through opening arguments from both sides, an overview of the case from the prosecutor, who missed many vital points, and the first witness who was about as unreliable as a holey dishtowel. The whole thing was a joke and by the time the defense attorney cross-examined the first witness, it was certain the outcome of the trial had already been decided.

"Want to play me a game of tic-tac-toe?" Austin muttered softly, crossing her arms.

"Maybe."

"You were no fun in high school were you?"

"Probably not."

The first officer on the scene was called to the stand and while he never wavered on his story, he was asked many questions that he didn't know the answer to. It was obviously his first time in court, but to the jury that made him look untrustworthy. He fidgeted as he was questioned about the state of the crime scene when he'd arrived, the same questions asked different ways. If only someone would ask him about the behavior of Mr. Eastmont at the crime scene, that would really help their case. Instead the officer was dismissed from the stand.

"Can we ask for a new prosecutor?" Austin whispered, crossing her arms ever tighter. Mac grunted in response, cracking his knuckles and looking like he was about to walk out of the courtroom in a huff.

Austin was called to the stand next and she did her best to insert important information into her answers to questions, even if they were unrelated, but the defense attorney knew what she was doing and was quick to cut her off. It was only about ten minutes of questions from the prosecution before he moved back to his table and let the defense take over. Austin was questioned on everything from the exact time that she arrived at the crime scene to her initial feelings about the Eastmont's marriage, based solely on the state of their home. A normal prosecutor would have objected to the line of questioning, but they didn't have a normal prosecutor, so Austin was forced to answer the questions. She did as best she could saying she didn't recall her feelings at the time, but that made it sound like she was biased from the beginning and didn't want to admit it now. Her frustration was palpable for the next half hour of questioning, in which she shot the judge several looks of desperation, but there was nothing he could do without objections from the prosecution.

By the time she stepped down Austin's face was screwed up into the most unsightly look of disgust that she could manage. She stomped back to her seat and sat down, her hands shaking in anger. This whole thing was the worst kind of farce. It wasn't like the guy was going to plead a lesser crime or anything. He was going to walk away, completely free.

"I think this is a good time to break for lunch," the prosecutor said, stretching as if he'd put in a hard days work. The judge gave a nod of agreement and soon they were leaving the courtroom, glad to be leaving the place if only for a few hours.

"Wow, you girls look great," Danny teased as he and Adam approached from the end of the hall. "Long day?"

"Very, very bad. And we're not even close to done yet, so do you two want to take us out to lunch?"

"Only if we can get pizza."

Everyone else groaned and argued for Chinese until Danny relented and figured he could talk Austin in to pizza for dinner.

"Mac, you comin' with us?"

"Nah, I'm meeting Jo," he answered, checking his watch. "She thinks I need comfort food."

"Well if she tries to feed you collard greens again, come find us, we'll have chow mein," Austin offered, squeezing his shoulder.

"I'll see you back here in a while."

He left out a side door while the four of them made their way out the front and down the street to a hole in the wall Chinese restaurant, which had served them well during court cases in the past.

"You okay?" Adam asked softly, taking Lindsay's hand as they sat down.

"Yeah. I haven't had to testify yet."

"No, I mean your lack of sleep last night."

"Oh. I haven't really felt tired yet but if I yell at you tonight for nothing, I'm sorry."

"I'll put the kids to bed tonight and you can escape after dinner."

"I love you, you're wonderful, I owe you big time."

"Bring me breakfast in bed tomorrow and we're even."

"Consider it done."

He changed his hold on her hand and they perused the menu together, spending a while bickering over spring rolls versus egg rolls before deciding on lunch.

"Freddie told me that he wants to talk to us tonight when we get home," she whispered, just now remembering. "I have no clue why but it makes me nervous."

"Sounds ominous. Maybe he thinks the kids are hellions and he doesn't want to watch them anymore."

"Maybe. We'll pay him more, maybe that will keep him around for longer," she teased.

"I'm not paying him more! His cannonball game is the reason we have a hole in our wall right now."

"Yeah but he's going to fix it."

"Is he going to stop Ben from telling everyone he meets about how his butt got "stuckded" in the wall?"

"I don't think anyone could stop that. Although yesterday when he told the mailman about it, Colton said that if Ben wasn't so fat maybe he wouldn't have broken the wall. That shut him up for a few minutes."

"Great, now my son is going to have body image issues."

"I suppose it's the daddy's job to head that off at the pass."

"Hey, you guys aren't supposed to pair off like that," Austin reprimanded. "Means I have to talk to Danny."

"Sorry, I didn't realize that you two were probably tired of each other by now."

"Yeah, you should have known Lin."

* * *

"Hey we thought you weren't going to show up," Lindsay whispered as Mac shuffled into the courtroom, taking his seat at the last possible second.

"And miss you going head to head with this sleaze-bag? Can't miss the second half of the show."

He looked much better than he had just two hours before, and Lindsay and Austin exchanged glances.

"So what's gotten into you?"

"Oh nothing. Jo wants to do a big family dinner at our place tonight. At seven. You'll all be there?"

"Um, sure but-"

"Shh, court's starting."

"Smell him real quick," Lindsay said in a hushed tone. "Did Jo take him out to a bar for lunch?"

"One that has no serving limit?"

"He has not been like this in years."

They both continued to watch him suspiciously out of the corners of their eyes as if he was about to actually lose his mind. It didn't really make sense, but maybe the two hours away had been what he needed.

They sat through two more testimonies before it was Lindsay's turn on the stand. She sat rigidly on the chair making sure she didn't glance over at Austin because they would probably start laughing at the absurdity of it all. She answered numerous questions about the evidence and what it had indicated, staying as impartial as she could despite the prosecutors attempts to get her to overstep her boundaries and give her own interpretation of the suspect rather than the evidence itself. Once the defense was allowed to question her, he had enough information that he spent twenty minutes questioning her about evidence collection and the methods used for testing the evidence, then asking why the suspects own team of lawyers was not allowed to observe the process. Rather than explain the law to him she stared him down until he moved on.

"Now Ms. Ross isn't it true that you are friends with Detective Messer who was the lead on this case?"

"Well yes but I would count many of the detectives as friends-"

"What I mean is that your friendship extends beyond the professional; your families are close, you spend time together, share meals, even take vacations."

"Yes, but I hardly see how that's relevant," she answered shooting a look over at Mac and Austin, who looked just as confused as she felt.

"You'd even say that she is your best friend, is that correct?" he asked, leaning against the stand. She wrinkled her nose and scooted back a little.

"Yes I would."

"And you'd do anything she asked you to, correct?"

"Not necessarily."

"Including fabricating and manipulating evidence against an innocent man? One whom Detective Messer had a personal vendetta against?"

"What?"

"Mr. Eastmont, as we have seen through evidence presented in this court room, has in the past been falsely accused of domestic violence," he started, his voice rising a little. "The police department holds a grudge against him because they see him as having never had to answer for a crime. Detective Messer, having grown up in an abusive home herself-"

"Buddy, you'd better rethink what you're about to say."

"So if you were asked friend to friend to manipulate some evidence…"

"Never."

"It wouldn't be the first time, you were under suspicion for evidence tampering several years ago when you worked in Montana, is that correct?"

"No, evidence on a case that I worked was put into the wrong box by an intern. I had no access to that particular lot. Which you would know if your research was a little more thorough."

"Counselor, move on to matters at hand," the judge warned, shooting the prosecutor a look for his willingness to watch a trial of testimony happen.

"Back to the matter of my clients previous false accusations, when were you made aware of them?"

"The day after the murder, when the Eastmonts background checks came back."

"And who presented you with this information?"

"Detective Flack."

"Don Flack?"

"Yes."

"And after you were made aware of this information, what did you do?"

"I went home."

"Home? You just received information that could blow the case wide open and you went home?"

"I'd been at work for close to 36 hours, I hadn't slept, I hadn't eaten and I hadn't seen my family so I finished my daily notes, locked everything up and went home."

"Did you speak with Detective Messer about the case that night?"

"No I didn't."

"But I have a record of a fifteen minute phone call that night starting at 8:24 pm."

"That was personal."

"Are you sure?"

"Considering we were talking about a recent scuffle between our kids, yeah I would say that was personal."

"Will we have to take your word for it then?"

"You're going to have to take my word for it. I'm surprised you don't have the audio though," she said sarcastically, unable to stop herself. "Or did the search warrant not cover that?"

He chuckled but otherwise ignored her question.

"Now in the matter of the blood spatter, what did you determine about the assailant?"

"That he or she was between 5'9" and 5'11" and most likely right handed."

"Most likely."

"Indications are that the assailant struck with the dominant right hand. Doesn't entirely rule out a lefty who has practiced with the right hand, or someone who is ambidextrous, not unlike your client."

"Now how did you come to this conclusion?"

She sighed and explained evidence gathering, recreations, mathematic formulas and margin of error for fifteen minutes, glad when she finished because it was hard to put into layman's terms.

"But despite that, it boils down to interpretation."

"Yes, much the same way you interpret the law."

There was a smattering of laughter from the jury box.

"No further questions, your honor."

The prosecutor waved his hand to indicate he wasn't interested in reexamining any points. Lindsay's jaw dropped and she didn't bother hiding the fact that she was absolutely horrified at his treatment of the case. Luckily the rest of the court room seemed to share her silent sentiments. She was excused from the stand and took her seat next to Austin, blinking a few times in confusion.

"What in the world was that?"

* * *

"I can't wait to see Mac and Jo-Jo!" Ben announced from the back seat. "I really miss them a lot. I am glad we are all having dinner together."

"Yeah me too," Colton agreed. "We haven't seen Teagan and Liam much either and daddy said that even Sid is gonna be there."

"Oh I love Sid," Avery noted with a smile. "He make me laugh."

"I'm gonna give Mac a big hug on account of he's been distressed lately. And mama says my hugs can cure every bad feelin' in the world."

"I'm sure Mac would be happy about that Ben. I think we're going to have lots of fun tonight. And Jo always has popsicles for us kids."

"Yep! I can't think of much I like better than popsicles! 'Cept maybe ice-cream sandwiches, but Jo-Jo always gots those too."

Colton nodded in agreement and the boys launched into a discussion of different desserts they liked while Avery made noises of hunger from her seat and rubbed at her stomach.

"You feeling okay?" Adam asked softly, reaching for Lindsay's hand and keeping one eye on the road.

"I'm fine. I just need food and sleep."

"Did Freddie say anything to you when you got home today?"

"No, whatever he was going to say, I think he chickened out or something. I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"You seem really blue."

"We lost the case. I know it's not over yet, but it's as good as. The focus has turned on the justice system rather than the suspect and they're running with the idea that Eastmont is a victim of circumstance rather than a suspect and there's nothing any of us can do about it."

He squeezed her hand, wishing he knew what to say but coming up short. This happened occasionally, the bad guy walked away and the good guys picked up the pieces. It was a fact of life that was wrong and uncomfortable, but nowhere in human history had someone been able to come up with a way to change it.

"Yay we're here! Look, Dunner's on the porch waitin' for us!" Ben hollered as Adam stopped the car at the curb. "Hurry up and let me outta here!"

He fumbled with his seatbelt until it came undone, then crawled over Avery to get out of the car.

"Hey Dunner!"

"Hey-o Binyin! There's a surprise inside the house, one that we will all enjoy! Come up here and see! Everyone is so excited!"

"I'm comin'! Hurry up family, we gotta see this surprise!"

He went back for Avery, grabbing her hand and running across the lawn while she laughed hysterically and tried to keep up. She tripped and fell part way but he helped her up and Colton dusted her off quickly before they all ran into the house. There was loud shouting after a moment and Lindsay and Adam followed them inside to see what all the fuss was about.

The kids were all crowded around Stella, trying to get hugs in and tell her a million things that they felt she needed to know. Isa had latched onto her waist and wasn't letting go for the foreseeable future and Junior was begging for her to pick him up.

"Stella, you're so much better than a popsicle!" Ben laughed, taking her hand and squeezing it. "And real life is better than Skype!"

"Well I'm glad," she chuckled, ruffling his hair.

"Are you staying forever?" Sarah asked hopefully, her eyes lighting up.

"I can't stay forever but we can make the most of it while I'm here. How's that?"

"I suppose okay."

"So what brings you here?" Lindsay asked as Stella managed to find the couch and not be crushed under the weight of all the kids.

"Jo thought that you all needed cheering up for one reason or another and apparently I would be the easiest way to do that."

"Well Lin the mystery is solved. It wasn't drugs affecting Mac's mood, it was Stella."

"Now I can sleep tonight."

"I am never spending a whole day with you two again," Mac sighed, a twinkle in his eye.

"Don't speak too soon. You never know when you will be in need of hours of 80's movies and some good online shopping."

"It's okay, I get the feeling I won't ever need that."

"I can't believe you guys were late," Jo said, poking her head out of the kitchen and scowling at Lindsay and Adam.

"We had a fight. He wouldn't accept that I won so getting out the door took a bit longer than normal."

"Well par for the course. Now, dinner's been ready for fifteen minutes so y'all better get in here."

"Yes mom," several voices chorused.

"She gave them some broth without any bread and whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed," Jo retorted, going back into the kitchen.

"I quiver with fear," Jess dead-panned as they all went into the dining room.

The kids were seated around the kitchen table and told not to spill, which fell on deaf ears, at least as far as Avery was concerned. She was too buys begging Sid to sit by her that she didn't notice her cup of juice which went tumbling to the floor.

"Aves, you need to be more careful," Colton warned, grabbing a wad of paper towels to clean up the spill. "I am getting you water now instead of juice so you learn your lesson."

"Okay Coley," she sighed, dropping her head. "I so sorry."

"That's okay, just try to be more careful."

She nodded and he leaned over, pressing a kiss to her cheek and patting her hand.

"Don't worry, sissy. Everybody gots to spill sometimes," Ben said reassuringly.

"Yeah, the other day I spilled my cereal and my ma slipped in it," Junior offered with a grin. "And that is the end of me eatin' on the run."

"He means that for real," Sarah giggled. "He was really running."

"You kids gonna be okay in here?" Adam asked, walking through to get the bowl of ice that Jo had forgotten.

"Me and Colt will keep the kids in line," Isa said with a smile.

"Thanks princess."

He went back out to the dining room, setting the bowl of ice on the table and stealing an olive off of Lindsay's plate.

"Hey!"

"Couldn't resist."

He gave her a wink and she shook her head but smiled when he placed his free hand on her knee.

"Alright, well I feel like Pa Walton," Mac started with a slight grin, clearing his throat. "But I have an announcement to make."

A hush fell over the room and everyone exchanged looks with each other, wondering what Mac could possibly have up his sleeve.

"I'm going to need everyone to start collecting cardboard boxes so as soon as this Eastmont case is over, I can pack up my office and finally retire."

The hush didn't lift and they all stared at him, unblinking.

"I'm really serious. Really."

"Wait a second. You're retiring," Jess clarified, her eyebrow raised.

"Yes."

"And you're happy about it?"

"Yes, I am."

"But… what will you _do_?" Lindsay asked confusedly.

Mac just chuckled.

"That's the best part. I have no idea."

"What about the lab? Who's going to be you?"

"Well I'm glad you asked, Danny."

"Be afraid," Austin whispered, sensing what was coming.

"Jo will be me," Mac explained. "After we get back from vacation."

"So like you're going for a weekend?"

"We're going for a month. And that's where you come in, Danny."

"Oh boy."

"You're going to run the lab until we get back."

"I can't do that! Who do you think I am?"

"I know just who you are and that's why I know you can do it," Mac countered with a shrug.

Lindsay just groaned and dropped her head into her hands.

"This is going to be the longest month of my life."

"You're on intern duty Montana."

She wrinkled her nose and tossed a napkin at him while Stella laughed.

"Oh, I really miss this place."

"Wait a minute, Stella Bonasera, were you the one that talked him into this crazy retiring thing?" Austin asked, one hand on her hip.

"No, Jo did most of the work. Loosened the lid on the pickle jar as it were. I just applied a little pressure to break the seal."

"Great, now I want pickles!" Sid exclaimed with a laugh.

"Well, that wasn't exactly the response I was expecting."

They would have been supportive of his decision if they could wrap their minds around the fact that he would no longer be at the lab, would no longer be holding things together, would no longer be there day in and day out, much like a bonus father.

"This is going to be weird," Danny said finally. "I mean, it's going to be really weird."

"Everyone will get used to it," Mac assured with a nod. "And it's not like I'm going to never see you again so you girls can stop making those faces."

"Alright so we'll just need a theme idea for your surprise retirement party then," Lindsay teased. "Let me know by next Tuesday so I can get a good deal on balloons."

"I'll think on it."

"Okay, now everyone eat before it gets cold."

The conversation picked up happily again after a few moments, but no one could deny that a great shift had just taken place and a lot of work was going to have to be done in the next few months to get things to run smoothly.


	275. Chapter 275

Avery took the steps one at a time, carefully gripping the bannister with one hand while the other carried a lukewarm cup of coffee. It was slow going but she was determined not to spill any, because she knew how important every bit of coffee was to her mama. She finally made it to the second floor and walked into her bedroom, setting the coffee down on the bookcase before walking into her closet and finding her tiara. She put it on her head and grinned at herself in the mirror, then grabbed the coffee and set out to conquer the next set of stairs. She walked a little faster this time, confident in her abilities, and despite near slosh coming out of the cup, she made it successfully.

"Mornin' mama," she whispered, tiptoeing across the room. "I gots coffee."

Lindsay smiled and opened her eyes, giggling at Avery's hair that was sticking up in every direction.

"Morning baby. What are you up to?"

"I gots coffee," she repeated, handing Lindsay the mug. "You have coffee an' we snuggle! Mama have a day with Avery!"

"That's right," Lindsay chuckled, taking a drink of the tepid caffeine. "Did daddy make this coffee?"

"Yep! I help. I pick a cup," she reported, climbing up on the bed.

"What are daddy and the boys doing downstairs?"

"Daddy cleanin' up breakfast. Boys is gettin' ready, go to school. Daddy say I not go preschool or tumblin' today huh?"

"Nope, not today."

"Well," she sighed, taking a sip of the coffee too. "What we do today?"

"I need to go grocery shopping for sure."

"Yes, we need cheese."

"And I have a few other things on my list to do also. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah! I like bein' with you."

"I like being with you too. You are my favorite daughter after all."

Avery giggled and adjusted the tiara on her head, then sighed and looked down at her chipped nail polish.

"Uh-oh mama, we need fix it."

"We can do that before we go to the store. Should we do your toes too?"

"Oh yes mama."

"Don't let me forget."

"Okay."

"I should get up and take a shower huh?"

"Yep. You need be pretty. I take a bath?"

"No, you just had one last night. We'll just get out some spray for your hair so it looks a little better. Right now I should get up and see the boys for a bit before they go to school."

"I come too," Avery offered, rolling off the bed and onto her feet. "I hug them. Miss them when they are gone."

"Me too."

They made their way downstairs where the boys were getting their shoes on and double checking their backpacks.

"Hey mama guess what? Today is the day when all us kids get recess together!" Ben announced, pushing his glasses up. "It's fun. I like the first grade because we're big kids now."

"That's good honey," Lindsay chuckled, leaning down to hug him. "Did you do your homework?"

"Yep I did! Cole checked it over for me too. Said I got it all right."

"That's my boy."

She sat down on the couch and made sure the checks she'd written the night before for a month of after school art classes for both of them were made out the right way, then tucked them into each bag. Colton sat down next to her, resting his head on her shoulder until she put her arms around him.

"What's up buddy?"

"Nothin'. Daddy just said you're tired and worn out from work and you're sad that Mac doesn't work with you anymore and you're sad Freddie is moving away too. He said you're just bummed out with life right now."

"Yeah, I am a little."

"Well I just want to let you know that I love you. And no matter what, I am still your kid and that should make you happy."

"That does make me happy honey. Very happy."

"Good. I'm sorry that I was grumbly about picking up my room last night."

"You're forgiven. Next time we'll both do better."

"Okay. I love you mama."

"I love you too."

He kissed her cheek and got up from the couch, grabbing his jacket and putting it on. It struck her in that moment not how old he was, but what a little man he'd turned into. She must have blinked just a little too long. She'd have to remember to exist more fully in the little moments from now on.

* * *

"I like that mama," Avery said, pointing at the gourds that were on display at the front of the grocery store. "So tasty."

"Honey, you don't like those, you just want me to buy you a snack."

"Oh, I could have a snack?"

"No," Lindsay chuckled, lifting Avery into the cart. "At least not right now but if you're a good girl, you can pick out a fruit leather when we're done."

"Oh yay! I be so good mama. I be so good I have two!"

"Well we'll see about that. Can you do me a favor and keep track of the list while I shop?"

"Yep. What first? We get milk an' beef an' eggs?"

"Yes, we need all three of those."

"An' cheese. Not to forget the cheese mama, or Avery will cry."

"I won't forget the cheese. If you would like, you can pick out the cheese."

"Holy cow!" Avery squealed excitedly, throwing one hand over her mouth. "That a big job. I do good."

Lindsay snickered and started down the first aisle, grabbing several things she needed to restock the nearly bare cupboard. They'd had to send the boys to school with money to buy lunch in the cafeteria because they hadn't even had enough food in the house to make two lunches. It was her fault, even when Adam asked her to simply make a list so he could go shopping and help her out, she couldn't muster up the energy.

"Ooh, mama lookit this funny thing!" Avery giggled, pointing at a turkey baster. "It for cleanin' my ears?"

"It's for cooking turkeys."

"Oh. We need it?"

"Nope, I already have one."

"I wanted play with it."

"Avery, you are so funny."

"I not try. I just be."

"Well I hope you always are. Should we get orange juice with pulp or without?"

"What pulp?"

"It's the little bits."

"No thanks, I not like them."

"That's my girl. No pulp it is."

"I so enjoy this," Avery sighed with a grin. "Jus' Avery an mama, bein' together."

"I love it too. You know when I have to work, I always just wish I could be with you."

"With me? You do?" Avery asked, tipping her head to the side and wrinkling her nose.

"Yep, with you and the boys."

"You like us?"

"Of course I like you, Avery. You're my favorite people in the whole world."

"We is? Most than daddy?"

"Well maybe not more than daddy. I think I can group you all together."

Avery chuckled and leaned back in the cart, looking up at the lights while humming to herself. She liked getting lost in her own daydreams sometimes, imagining what it would be like to be a grown up girl, maybe with her own little girl someday.

"Mama!" she shrieked as they passed through frozen foods on their way to the meat section. "Mama, that say Ben!"

"What?"

"That ice-cream say Ben!"

Lindsay glanced over at the section of Ben and Jerry's ice-cream where Avery was pointing, and laughed in disbelief.

"Avery, you recognized Ben's name all the way over-"

"Ben make ice-cream! Been keepin' secret."

"No sweetie, he doesn't make the ice-cream."

"Yes, him do. Today, he make for Avery. I say to him later."

"Honey, he doesn't make the ice-cream, but the person who does has the same name as him."

"No, Ben keepin' secret from you too."

"Alright. I'm very proud of you for seeing his name all the way over there."

"I know him name. He write on all things."

"Yeah, he has taken to labeling everything he can find, hasn't he?"

"Yep," Avery agreed, holding up her hand, which Ben had marked three days ago with a permanent pen. She'd let him of course, thinking it was going to be a beautiful drawing. He'd promised that once he was "un-grounded" from the permanent pens, he would write her own name on her hand with a heart and a flower.

They walked leisurely through the rest of the store, picking up everything on their list until they came to the produce aisles, which were so crowded, Lindsay couldn't push the cart through the throngs of people. She tried a few times then gave up, tucking the cart off to the side where she could still see Avery or hear her if she called.

"Don't get out of the cart, I'll be right back."

"Okay mama. I do for fruit leather."

Lindsay snickered and wound her way through the bins and aisles, gathering enough fruit and vegetables to feed a normal family of five for three weeks, or their family for maybe two. She didn't mind that the kids were just as apt to want good food as much as junk, and it was easier to keep this in the house than the other. Laden down with several heavy bags, she went back to the cart and found Avery just where she'd left her, but missing her shirt.

"Averylin Grace!"

"Hi mama!"

"Where's your shirt?"

"Oh. Over there. On the spuds," she said, pointing to the potatoes.

"Why is your shirt over here and not on you?"

"I dunno. Maybe they was cold? I toss it."

"Honey, we've talked about this," Lindsay grumbled, grabbing the shirt off the potatoes. "You can't keep taking your clothes off just because you feel like it."

Avery frowned as the shirt was pulled over her head, keeping her arms across her chest and letting her lower lip hang out.

"Avery, arms through please."

"No thanks. I not want that now."

"Honey…" she trailed off, not wanting to put a damper on their day. "Okay, we'll compromise and you can wear it around your neck."

"Okay. We're done now? Gettin' hungry."

"Sure. What kind of thing would you like for lunch? I would personally love to have something other than grilled cheese or mac and cheese or chips and cheese."

"Hmm. Uh, chicken nuggets?"

"I can do that."

"I have cheese on mine."

"Oh Averylin," Lindsay chuckled, steering the cart towards the checkout lane. "Queen of Cheese."

"Yep! Oh, I will wear mine crown," she giggled. "Queen of Cheese. Make me a dressy to wear too?"

"Should we find some fabric with cheese on it?"

"No, piggies."

"Alright then. I'll have to see if Austin will help, I'm really bad at sewing."

"Okay mama. Wow, we buy so most food," she commented, watching as Lindsay loaded it onto the counter.

"Well that's because I've got three hungry stinkers to feed plus daddy."

Avery giggled and turned back around grinning at the elderly man that had stepped into line behind them.

"Hi man!" she greeted, giving him a little wave.

"Hi there sweetie."

"Like my scarf?" she asked, grabbing the sleeves of her half-donned shirt and waving them around.

"That's very interesting."

"Yep. It's purple. I not want a shirt. I make scarf."

"Well that's very smart of you."

"I know. Me an' mama have a day together! No brothers an' no daddy. Jus' girls."

"That sounds like fun. Are you being a good girl?"

"Yep! I get fruit leather! My most favorite!"

She laughed as the cart moved, headed for the door, and waved at the old man.

"Bye man! Have great day!"

* * *

"I spin an' spin an' spin an' spin an'- mama you not spin?"

"I don't want to get dizzy, baby. I thought you wanted to snuggle."

"Oh yeah!" Avery laughed, slowing down and tripping over her feet as she walked to the couch. "I want hold your hand."

"Alright."

They settled into the couch and opened the book Avery had chosen, taking a moment to look at the illustration on the first page.

"Okay, read it now mama. I want a story."

Lindsay smiled and began the story, keeping her voice low and steady, hoping that Avery would fall into a short afternoon nap. She'd been tired for the last hour as evidenced by her rambunctious behavior, and it would be good for her to start fitting in a nap here and there. Without it she was cranky and almost combative when bedtime rolled around, quite obviously overtired.

Sure enough in a few minutes she was sleeping lightly, having crawled into Lindsay's lap and buried herself there, rubbing her eyes and yawning in her sleep. She looked like a baby again, her cheeks full and rosy while her lips parted gently and her nose twitched with dreams. Every day it seemed like she grew and matured much more than she should, that the baby days were left so far behind that the memory of them was already starting to dim. But occasionally there were moments like this when it all slowed, it all calmed, and she was able to be sucked back to that hospital room, staring at her newborn, perfectly pink daughter, overwhelmed with emotions that she couldn't even begin to label.

There was a gentle knock on the door and Austin came in, carrying a bag of clothes that Isa and Sarah had outgrown but not destroyed and wanted Avery to have. She tiptoed across the room and sat down gently, reaching over to stroke Avery's arm.

"Little baby. How come mine won't do this anymore?"

"Because life is cruel."

"She looks so peaceful and gentle doesn't she?"

"Quite a change from the normal adjectives used to describe her."

Austin grinned and leaned down to kiss Avery's forehead, breathing in the scent of a happily sleeping child.

"I think my ovaries just quivered. I want another baby."

"Austin."

"And in a little while when the rest of the kids come home from school I won't anymore, but at least I know that."

"I should go put her in her bed but I have a feeling she's not going to sleep too much longer anyway."

"I can't believe how fast all the kids are growing," Austin sighed, leaning back against the couch. "And I know I say that a lot, but I really just can't believe it."

"Colton is going to be ten. I feel really ancient."

"You are really ancient."

"I'm not that much older than you! And in the grand scheme of our lives it's barely even fractional."

"Well anyways. I brought over all the girls old clothes but I'm not sure what will fit Avery anymore so we can go through them and I'll donate the stuff that's too small."

She opened the bag and they started to quietly sort clothes while Avery slept peacefully, snoring a little here and there, almost a tribute to the fact that she was Adam's child too, no matter how much she looked like her mama. After a while she whined and squirmed, stretching a little as she opened her eyes and smiled.

"Hi mama. Hi Austin."

"Hey little girl. Did you have a good nap?"

"Oh, I not sleepin' Austin. I rest mine eyes."

"Oh, okay."

"We go outside an' play?" she asked hopefully, squeezing her hands together.

"Sure, until we have to get the kids from school."

"I play in front," Avery decided, wiggling off the couch. "Wanna see the flowers."

They followed her outside and watched as she wiggled between the bushes and the house, her favorite spot for finding bugs and worms. She could play down there for hours if they let her, coming out with leaves and twigs stuck in her hair, dirt all over her face and grass stains on her knees. She'd once spent fifteen minutes trying to pull a spider web off of two branches without breaking it, but in the end she hadn't been successful.

Lindsay and Austin sat down on the porch swing, smiling at the laughter they could hear coming from Avery.

"Any ideas on how Mac is doing with retirement?" Lindsay asked, knowing Austin would have been checking up on Mac quite often.

"He seems happy. He's been spending a lot of time at the VA center and he's thinking about volunteering to help with some after school programs somewhere. I think he thinks he made the right choice."

"I'm glad. Jo says he's less busy than before and he sleeps better. I just worry that he's going to miss it at some point."

"Well that doesn't seem to be the case so far."

"Good."

"Now tell me the truth. Is Danny a good boss or what?"

Lindsay chuckled and shook her head.

"He's okay. I think he feels like he can't take much of a leadership position because most of us are kind of on the same level, but he doesn't mind ordering me around. I assume that's because he can't order you around at home."

"Probably. I apologize."

"It's no big deal. I know he thinks he's being funny. Plus, the other day I acted like he really upset me and he spent the rest of the day apologizing whenever he saw me."

Austin laughed.

"Well I am glad to know you're keeping his ego in check."

"I must do it, for the sanity of all."

"Speaking of sanity, did you notice your child?"

Lindsay glanced over into the yard and groaned. Avery was covered from head to toe with mud.

"Averylin!"

"Hi mama!" she greeted, waving enthusiastically and spraying mud everywhere.

"Honey, where did you get all that mud?"

"Maked it! My bucket full of rain!"

"But now you have to have a bath."

"Okay."

"I'll go pick up the kids while you give her a bath," Austin said, standing up from the swing and walking down the steps, being careful to avoid Avery.

"Thanks. We'll be here. Come on honey, let's clean you up."

* * *

"Sounds like Avery had a good day," Adam said, closing the bedroom door and tossing his shirt to the floor. "She just spent fifteen minutes telling me how much she loves you and how fun it was to pick the cheese at the store."

"She's easily pleased," Lindsay chuckled, looking up from her book. "When we were eating lunch all she could talk about was you. Daddy is most fun, daddy is most great, daddy is most smart. And then I asked her who she liked better, you or me and she took a huge bite and avoided the question."

Adam chuckled and dropped his jeans on the floor next to the shirt, earning a look of disapproval. He sighed and picked the clothes up, putting them in the hamper before climbing into bed.

"So you were in the middle of telling me about her ice-cream discovery."

"Oh yeah. When Ben came home she went into his room and grabbed his arm and said "You been keepin' secrets!" Of course he panics and keeps denying it. She pulls him downstairs, points at the freezer and says "Now you make me ice-cream. No lies Ben!" He's totally confused and she keeps demanding it until he starts crying. At that point Colton walked in and asked them what was going on. Avery explained it to him and he starts laughing and says "Aves, don't you know? Jerry makes the ice-cream, Ben just does marketing!" Then Avery dropped Ben's arm sighed and said something about being very disappointed."

"And I am betting Ben spent the rest of the day apologizing to her."

"He did. I tried to explain to her that there was another person with Ben's name and she just wouldn't have it."

"For a fleeting moment she thought she would have unlimited ice-cream forever. That's a hard thing to let go of."

"I suppose so."

"Hmm, you have thinking voice."

"Thinking voice?"

He nodded with a smile.

"The voice you get when you're half thinking about something else but you're trying to keep up with the conversation at the same time."

"I'm sorry."

"What's rattling around in there?"

She put her book aside and moved down in the bed a little, taking his hand in hers and looking it over before she spoke.

"We need to make some decisions."

"About what?"

"I've been looking into adoptions and I know we said we're waiting until next year, but I think we need to decide what we're wanting. There are so many different ways we can go with it and I want us to have a clear plan before we start."

"Things aren't always going to go how we plan."

"No, I know that. I'm saying that while we need to be flexible with how it happens, we need to be clear in what we want. We've never really talked about that. Are we looking for a newborn or an older child? Open or closed adoption? Out of foster care or not? What about international adoption, how do we feel about that? Are we willing to spend more money to go overseas? Do we want a boy or a girl or do we even care either way? What if it is an older child, like a teenager? How do we handle that? And what if it's not, what if it is a newborn, are we ready to do that again? How are we going to prepare the kids? What about behavioral problems or difficult family histories? Health issues? What are we able to deal with and what would be too much?"

He was quiet for a while, mulling her wonderings over in his own head, trying to come up with one thing that would answer them all.

"Honey, some of these things we won't be able to answer until we get into the middle of it. I know that frustrates you."

"It does."

"And none of these things are things that I know the answer to either. I feel bad about it but I haven't been giving it as much thought as I should have been."

"That's okay."

"You're scared."

"A lot. But that doesn't mean I'm changing my mind."

"I promise to think about it more. In the meantime let's go ahead and start talking to other adoptive families, talking to agencies, stuff like that. Get ourselves speaking the language."

"Okay."

"It's going to happen how it's supposed to happen."

"I know that. I just like plans."

"I know you do. If you didn't we'd be a right mess I suppose."

She smiled and snuggled closer to him, closing her eyes with a long sigh.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The door burst open at that moment and there stood Avery with a huge grin on her face, nightgown tucked into her underwear and sunglasses perched upon her head.

"Well hello," she greeted, closing the door behind her and approaching the bed. "I am here."

"What are you here for?" Adam asked, holding back a laugh at her appearance.

"Avery an' mama's day not done!" she explained, climbing up onto the bed and wedging herself in between them. "Scoot, daddy. This my place."

"Well your majesty, I thought it was time for you to go to bed."

"I am! With mama. We snuggle so most. Scoot!"

"Maybe if you ask nicely I'll let you lay with us for a bit."

"No, not bit. All sleeping time."

"But then when is it my turn to snuggle with mama?"

Avery sighed and crossed her arms, still trying to get between them. Finally Adam moved slightly and she slithered into the bed, pulling the covers up to her chin.

"There, that more like it. Lookit my nails, daddy! Mama fix 'em. They's blue."

"Do you like blue?"

"Nope, I like purple. An' pink."

"Well I like orange and green."

"I paint yous nails in mornin'."

"Alright then. It's time to go to sleep."

"Mama?"

"Daddy's right, time for bed. You can stay in here with us as long as you close your eyes and go straight to sleep."

"Oh phooey."

"Let's put your sunglasses away too."

Avery sighed and handed the sunglasses over then turned over and over until she found a comfortable position. Stretching a little, she grabbed onto Lindsay's shirt and popped her free thumb into her mouth, closing her eyes.

"Since when did you start sucking your thumb?" Adam asked.

"Feels cozy," she explained. "I go sleep now."

She closed her eyes again and was snoring a few minutes later, while Adam and Lindsay watched her with amused expressions on their faces.

"If our pattern holds, a fourth child would be the strangest child to ever walk the earth."

"Yes but the fourth child won't have our genes."

"Very true. I can't wait to find out how it goes."

"Me neither."

"Goodnight Linds."

"Night."


	276. Chapter 276

The clock ticked slowly on the wall and Colton glanced up at it, chewing on his pencil and letting out a sigh. He'd finished his math test already and was trying to check it over, but his eyes kept wandering to the clock, waiting for the bell to ring. He loved school but by Friday afternoon he was ready for a little break. He liked getting his homework done in the afternoon and staying up late reading, sleeping in a little on Saturday and getting to spend the weekend doing whatever he wanted.

Sighing, he looked back at his paper and checked the rest of his answers over again before turning the paper over and waiting while his teacher collected the completed tests from different students in the room. He glanced around and winked at Isa who had just finished making a paper airplane with some scratch paper. She grinned at him and stuck the airplane into her backpack with what looked like at least five more. She was a good test taker and had probably been one of the first to finish, meaning she'd had to sit there for a long time, waiting for everyone else.

Once all the tests were handed in, they were instructed to write down their homework from the list on the board and pack up their things before the bell rang.

"Colt are we riding your bus or mine today?" Isa questioned, tossing her messy braid over her shoulder.

"Mine. My daddy's going to wait for us because we have family dinner tonight at our house."

"Oh good, I hope Indy makes those super mashed potatoes like last time."

"They taste good but they're great for a food fight too," Colton agreed with a laugh, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder, then holding Isa's for her while she stooped down to tie her shoe. "C'mon, let's go get the boys before we go to the bus."

They left the classroom and walked down the hallway to the bench where Sarah was already waiting for them. Her arms were piled with rolled up butcher paper and when she looked up to greet them, they noticed blue paint on her nose.

"Looks like you painted outside the lines," Isa giggled.

"Yeah, well it was on my hand and I had a nose itch. I just decided to leave it there because Averylin will think it's funny."

"It looks like you sneezed out a Smurf."

Sarah laughed and rearranged the paintings in her arms while the door across the hall opened and Junior's class filed out.

"Dudes," he started, running his sleeve across his forehead. "We had five extra minutes in my class and I won Heads Up Seven Up three times! We should all play it sometime!"

"There ain't seven of us."

"Well maybe we could call it something else! I want to defend my title though."

"I will think up something, Daniel. Maybe an obstacle course."

"Okay. Hey Ben!" he shouted, waving as the next classroom door opened and Ben came bounding out, pushing his glasses up and adjusting his messenger bag. "Sarah is gonna make an obstacle course."

"Oh sweet! I like those things and it's a great thing to start the weekend too!"

"Let's go to the bus," Colton suggested, taking Ben's hand. "Make sure we get good seats."

"I like to sit in the backy-back. 'specially when we go over bumps."

"Don't you remember that time we went over the bump and you smacked your head on the window?" Isa asked with a frown. "That's no fun is it?"

"Well that time I was bouncin' up and down before the bump. I don't do that anymore."

Isa gave him a look and sighed a little as they walked out of the building and to the line for their bus.

"Yes, the backy-back is open!" Junior shouted, running for the back seats. "Me and Ben and Sarah can sit in this one and you guys can sit in the other one."

They all took their places and Colton opened his backpack, peering inside until he found the book he'd checked out from the library that morning. Isa leaned over and read along with him for a bit, then shook her head.

"I can't read with you when you start in the middle."

"Didn't start in the middle," he said, keeping his eyes on the book. "I started at the beginning right after I checked it out. When we were walking back to our class."

"Why do you like to read so much Colt?"

He looked up at her and blinked twice.

"Because my mama and daddy said that when you read you can have every adventure that's written down. And they're right. So I like to read books so I can have as many adventures as I can because lord knows nothing interesting like finding escaped monkeys ever happens in my real life."

"That's true. I just thought you liked to read to get away from real life."

"Why would I do that? My life is good."

"I just mean that the rest of us kids are pretty crazy when we all get together. Even Sarah gets wild sometimes. And then you stick your nose in a book."

"Sometimes I just want to know what's happening next in the adventure and I have to start reading again because I can't wait. That's how come I'm not allowed to have a nightlight or flashlights in my room anymore, because I will read too much and not sleep. At least that's what mama said when she found my spare flashlight where I had it hidden."

"Did you get in much trouble?"

"Well she said she can't punish me for expanding my mind but that I was in trouble for disobeying, so I have to clean the bathroom all this week."

"That's gross. Don't you think that's kind of harsh?"

"Well, I did disobey."

She gave him a half grin.

"Boy, Colt you're probably the easiest kid in the world."

"I do my best to be good."

"I hate getting grounded," she admitted softly. "Sometimes I say things before I think about how it's not a good idea to say them."

"I heard your ma tellin' my mama the last thing you said. She was laughing about it and said it was real hard to be mad because you said it so funny."

"Well I was serious."

"What did you get grounded from this time?"

"Going to a baseball game with my daddy this weekend. They're all going to go and I have to stay with my grandma."

"That stinks."

"I've really got to learn to control my mouth," she sighed, looking out the window. "Let me know if you think of any advice about that."

"Okay."

They settled back into the seat and didn't say much else to each other until the bus stopped at their corner. Even though Adam was standing there waiting for them, they all made sure they were holding hands with someone as they got off the bus.

"Hey kidlets. How was school?"

"Sarah!" Avery hollered from her spot on Adam's shoulders. "Yourself got a blue nose!"

"I know! Is it funny Averylin?"

"Oh yes, I laugh lots."

"Daddy, Sarah is going to make us a obstacle course! Will you do it today Sarah?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe. I will have to make a plan before I can do it."

"Okay! Hey, ask me what I done on the playground today! Ask me that daddy!"

"What did you do on the playground today Ben?"

"I done the monkey bars all the way and turned around and did them all the way back without dropping! Dunner cheered for me the whole way and I did it! Finally after so long of trying."

"That's great buddy. I know you've been working on that for a while."

"Yep. I even got calluses now. See 'em? This one is peeling."

"Wear it as a badge of honor."

Ben chuckled and skipped down the sidewalk with the rest of the kids while Sarah took Adam's hand.

"I did a lot of paintings in art today," she started, taking big steps to keep up. "Would you like to see them?"

"I'd love to. You know how much I love your paintings."

"I made one for Averylin's room so we can put it up in there, yeah?"

"Sure kiddo."

"C'mon everybody, let's get home fast so the weekend can start!"

* * *

"Alright class, I need you to break into groups of six and start planning your presentations for our history lesson. Colton and Drake, I need to see you both up front please."

Colton looked over at Isa who gave him a shrug and moved her desk around to join a group with some of the girls in the class. Stomach rumbling in fear, Colton stood up and went to the front of the room where his teacher was sitting at her desk. Drake joined him after a moment and they each pulled up one of the small chairs, sitting down while she handed them each a paper.

"Those are your math tests," she started. "You both did very well. Unfortunately, you gave the same answer for every question. You even got the same ones wrong."

Colton looked at his paper, then over at Drake's. Sure enough, everything was identical.

"Do you boys understand what this means?"

They both shook their heads, and the sick feeling in Colton's stomach started to get worse.

"This means that it looks as if one of you has cheated off the others paper."

"It wasn't me!" Colton said immediately. "I don't do that!"

"I know you both understand what a serious offense cheating is. Our school has a zero tolerance policy for it. Do you know what that means?"

"It means whoever did it is in a whole lot of trouble but it wasn't me Miss Flynn, it wasn't!"

"At this point I have no proof of who did it and who didn't. For now you both have a zero on the test. You may stay in at recess and retake it if you would like."

"But that's recess!" Drake pouted. "I took the test already!"

"Well until someone confesses, I have to assume that it could be either one of you."

"So after we take the test we're off the hook?"

"After you take the test, you will both have grades for it, but I still won't know who cheated. Whoever did it has until the end of the day to tell me what happened. If no one tells me, we will be involving your parents."

Colton blinked back a few tears and took a breath. He didn't want parents to get involved. They were much too busy to deal with something like this. But he wasn't going to confess to something he didn't do, he wasn't going to make himself untrustworthy, and he wasn't going to disappoint his family and his teacher, just to avoid a hard situation.

"Miss Flynn, I didn't do it. But I will take the test again at recess."

"I didn't either and I don't want to take the test again but I will."

"Alright then, you've both made your decisions. Go ahead and join your groups."

"Well I didn't do it," Drake whispered as they both walked to the back of the room. "I know it was you."

"It wasn't me," Colton said, shaking his head. "I don't know what happened but I know for sure it wasn't me. I don't cheat."

Drake gave a little grunt and joined his group while Colton slid into a seat next to Isa.

"Hey Colt, we're going to act out how they made Manhattan bigger out of stuff from a landfill and… Colt, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, I'll tell you later."

She scooted a little closer to him, dropping her voice slightly and patting his hand.

"I'm on your side."

"I know."

"Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine. Thanks, Sweet Thing."

She grinned at the nickname and turned back to the group discussion while Colton sat only half listening. He could have been mad about how unfair the whole thing was, but in his heart he knew that there were many other things that were much more unfair that could have happened. He wasn't really mad, but he was upset. He didn't want people to think he was a cheater. He didn't want his teacher to stop trusting him or for the kids to stop looking up to him. He could already imagine how disappointed Ben would be if he thought his big brother was a cheater. Somehow, he had to prove it wasn't him. Somehow he had to make them all understand that he didn't cheat, he didn't want to cheat, and he had no reason to do it anyway.

Figuring it would be a good idea not to slack off on the group assignment, he turned his attention back to what they were talking about. Isa handed him a sheet of paper with the information they had to present on it and he skimmed over it, his mind occasionally wandering back to the math test. Had he cheated? Had he looked over at Drake's paper and not remembered it? Or was the whole thing a coincidence? Maybe it was just chance that they'd missed the same questions. Was that possible?

"Colt? Hey Colt!"

"What?"

"You have to say the part about Battery Park."

"Oh, right."

He read off the few sentences then slumped back into his seat. He had to retake a test, he'd been accused of cheating and now he couldn't even pay attention to his other responsibilities. He was failing at everything.

* * *

"Now my teacher says we have to have a meeting with me and Drake and the parents. And I'm sorry because I know you're busy with work."

"Colton, you didn't do anything wrong," Lindsay assured, rubbing his back and looking over the letter his teacher had sent home.

"But it's my fault!"

"How is it your fault?"

"Because… because… I don't know it just is."

"Colton, did you cheat on this test?"

"No daddy, I swear I didn't."

"Then this is not your fault."

"You believe me?"

"Of course. You're not lying, are you?"

"No! I don't lie or cheat."

"I believe you, son. We'll all go to the meeting and get this figured out, alright?"

Colton nodded and rested his chin in his hands, his eyes roaming over the pattern on the counter tiles.

"I don't want people to think I'm a cheater. Especially Ben and Aves."

"I don't think you're a cheater, Cole!" Ben hollered from the doorway where he'd been eavesdropping. "I believe you when you say that you didn't do it! Because you never lied to me before!"

The declaration didn't help Colton's mood much and he gave a half grin, then returned to staring at the counter.

"This whole family would believe you Cole! So that must mean that you're tellin' the truth. Don't be upset! We still think you're grand!"

"Thanks Ben."

"I don't think my words did much to improve your brooding. Want me to go get sissy? She will do the Truffle Shuffle like on that movie and it will make you laugh!"

"Maybe later. I need to go do the rest of my homework."

"I will go with you, on account of I need to do mine and finish my reading for today. And will you check over mine before bedtime?"

"Sure Ben."

They left Adam and Lindsay in the kitchen to discuss things further, and went upstairs to their room. Ben's homework was spread out all over his bed; he preferred to kneel there to work rather than sitting at his desk by the window. That was specifically used for drawing and making Lego creations.

Colton sat down at his desk and finished the two worksheets he had left, then tucked them into the Pee-Chee folder in his backpack, zipping it up and hanging it from the hook by the door. He climbed onto his bed and cracked open his new library book _Do Bananas Chew Gum_ and sat back against the wall, trying to concentrate on the story. Ben joined him after a few minutes, sitting close and opening his own book as he spoke.

"Know what Cole?"

"What?"

"All the kids in my class, they're jealous that I got a brother like you. One what doesn't pick on me and is a good kid. All of them are jealous of that. They think you're awesome."

"Thanks Ben."

"Well hello boys!" Avery greeted, gliding into the room with a grin. "Ooh, you reading! You read to me?"

"I gotta do my readin' for school, sissy."

"I'll read to you, Aves. Go get a book."

"Yay!"

She thundered out of the room and returned a few moments later obviously thinking that "a book" meant five. She climbed up onto the bed and into Colton's lap, then folded her hands in expectation.

"Ready for an adventure in these pages?"

"Oh yes so most! Coley you the best for you read to me! I like this book, about doggies! I want bring them all home."

"You want to have a Dalmatian plantation?" Ben asked with a giggle. "But what if Cruella De Ville comes to snatch your puppies?"

"Austin will 'rest her with the cuffs an' make her in jail!" Avery answered with a convinced nod. "No scary lady steals my puppies! For I love them."

"Aves, maybe you should start telling mama and daddy that you would like a puppy. Then we could all enjoy it."

"Oh Coley, that great idea! I go now!"

She hopped off the bed and out of the room, stomping down the stairs.

"It's a good thing she's spoiled and we can talk her into a lot of stuff," Ben observed. "I bet we get a puppy in no time!"

* * *

No one ever said that the playground was a friendly place, and if they did, they probably had never been on one during lunch recess. Fueled by food and a longer break time, this seemed to be the recess in which the most kids felt left out or picked on. Colton had seen other kids getting picked on before and he'd even stepped in a few times, but he didn't realize how bad it really was until today when he was on the receiving end of it. He wasn't sure how anyone had found out about the math tests, all he knew for sure was that he was getting called a cheater while Drake was off playing soccer as if nothing had happened. He couldn't tell if the kids really thought he was a cheater or if they just liked chanting the word over and over again. He'd asked them to stop, then he'd told them to stop and they'd kept on anyway.

"I'm going to tell a teacher if you don't leave me alone!" he said, looking around for an adult. "You're not hurting my feelings, you're just annoying me."

They continued anyway and he sighed, breaking through the group and walking in the other direction. They followed him.

"Hey Colt, me and Sarah are playing Star Wars, want to play with us?" Isa asked, not hearing the teasing.

"Well I don't know."

_Cheater, cheater, cheater._

"Sarah is Leia and I am Luke so you could be Han or something."

_Cheater, cheater, cheater._

"I would like to play but-"

_Cheater, cheater, cheater!_

"Hey!" Sarah shouted, jumping off the tireswing she'd been sitting on and walking over to the group of kids who all stood at least a head taller than her. "Colton Matthew is not a cheater! You'd better take that back now!"

"He did cheat! You don't know, you're just a little kid."

"He didn't cheat and it doesn't matter how big I am! Bully!"

Colton and Isa exchanged glances, neither one of them had ever heard Sarah raise her voice like that.

"He's a cheater!"

"He is not! You guys are bullies!" she hollered again, taking another step forward. "Bully! Bully! Bully!"

"Sarah-"

"Get out of here you good for nothing, mean, unhappy, selfish bullies! Get!"

She'd advanced far enough upon them that the height difference was quite pronounced. She stood her ground, toe to toe with who she perceived to be the ringleader of the group.

"You gotta send a girl to defend you?"

"Hey, there ain't nothing wrong with being a girl!" Isa hollered.

"You wouldn't know anything about that, you're barely even a girl at all."

"She's more of a man than you'll ever be and more of a woman than you'll ever get!" Sarah announced, her voice getting high pitched. "You need to get out of here now!"

"Make me, little twerp."

Fire blazed in Sarah's eyes, her fists balled up and she launched back, getting great momentum for a punch that never hit its target. Besides the fact that the other kids had backed off when they realized Sarah meant business, Isa had grabbed her around the waist, saving her by inches, from likely punishment.

"You'd better get out of here before I let her go!" Isa warned. "She's vicious and I taught her everything I know!"

"Whatever."

The kids wandered off across the playground and Isa threw her hands on her hips, looking down at Sarah carefully.

"What in the world were you doing?"

"I just got so mad, Isa."

"That's not like you."

"I know, I know. Am I going to get in trouble?"

"No, I don't think so. C'mon, let's forget about it and go play."

* * *

Even after the big meeting, Colton didn't feel any better. Drake wouldn't admit to cheating and Colton wasn't about to confess to something he didn't do, especially since the whole class seemed to believe it already.

"Buddy, you're pretty quiet back there. Anything on your mind?" Adam asked glancing in the rearview mirror.

"No, daddy."

"Are you sure?"

"Well… it's just… how come you guys didn't stick up for me in that meeting? You didn't say anything! Drake's parents stuck up for him and you just didn't even say anything, you didn't even say that it wasn't me! You just left me hangin'!" he said, dropping his hands against the seat in frustration.

"I understand that you're upset," Lindsay soothed, turning slightly to look at him. "But daddy and I talked about it and we decided that this was something you needed to do on your own."

"Why?"

"Because you're old enough to stand up for yourself. This doesn't mean that we're not on your side, and it doesn't mean that we don't believe you. We just know it's important for you to be able to tell the truth yourself."

"But I did tell it and she didn't believe me!"

"She didn't believe Drake either, Colton."

"But it's not fair! I didn't cheat and now people think I did."

"Son, there are going to be many times in life when people don't believe you. Mama and I wanted you to know that you're able to stand up for yourself. We also want you to remember that it doesn't matter what other people think in most situations. You know that you didn't cheat, and your family knows that. No one else matters. They can think what they want but you know the truth and that's important."

"How come when you guys are trying to teach me something you don't tell me what you're trying to teach me first?"

"You won't remember it if we just tell it to you."

He contemplated that for a while, watching out the window but not really seeing anything that passed by. He knew he could still be mad at them, they would understand and they always encouraged him to feel whatever he felt. But there was a side of him that had always tried to understand, when things didn't go his way or his expectations weren't met, there was a bit of his personality that took it all a little slower. This part made him think it over and decide to give them the benefit of the doubt on the whole matter. They did love him and they did want what was best for him. Sometimes that wasn't easy and sometimes that meant a lot of work. But in the end it was what was important, and he couldn't be upset with them for trying to teach him what was best.

"Well maybe next time you might give me a tiny warning?"

"Okay Colton, that would be fair."

"What's going to happen now? What did my teacher tell you guys when me and Drake left the room?"

"She said that for now the matter is closed but she will be watching you both closely for any signs of cheating. She said that your grades in all subjects are very similar and because neither of you have ever had any problems or gotten into any trouble before, she can't even guess who did it, so she has to assume it was a coincidence."

"Is she going to tell the class we didn't cheat?"

"No she's not. If you feel like they are teasing you or anything like that, then you need to tell her. But she doesn't think it would be right to bring attention to it when it's already been handled. She'll stick up for you if you need her to."

"I got the rotten end of the deal this time."

"Yes you did. And while mama and I are upset for you about that, we also have to accept that in life, sometimes things like that happen. We can't let them ruin our days or define who we are. We have to push through it and make something better happen."

"Okay."

"Sweetheart, please remember that no matter what happens, we still love you. Even when it's things like this and you get sucked up into something that's not your fault. Even if you ever did anything like that and it was your fault, we still love you and we are still proud and happy that you're our son."

"Even if I decide that I don't want to be exactly friendly to Drake anymore? I mean, I won't be a jerk to him but I just think it would be a good idea for me not to talk to him much, you know?"

"If that is what you feel like you need to do, then that's okay. Don't betray what you know is right, and do your best to be the man you know you are. And if that gets to be too hard, that's why daddy and I are still around, to help you make decisions. You are a very smart boy and we trust you, but that doesn't mean you will never need our help again. Okay?"

"I will remember that. It's like I'm somewhere between an adult and a kid, huh?"

"Yeah. It's a hard place to be, son. But we're there to help guide you through it. We're all a team, okay?"

"Okay daddy. I'm just… I'm just real glad that you're my parents and not someone else because… well I got lucky I think. When the stork dropped me off or whatever."

"Or whatever," Adam agreed with a chuckle. "Mama and I are pretty sure we're the lucky ones though. Never thought any different."

"Well that makes me feel good. Now I have a proposition. I think maybe we should stop for some ice-cream real quick before we pick up Ben and Aves. What say you lot?"

"Absolutely, buddy."

"Sweet, and let's not tell 'em. I am your firstborn after all, some things have got to be kept sacred."


	277. Chapter 277

"You've got to be kidding me right now."

"Who rings the doorbell? Doesn't everyone we know have a key?"

"It's not even seven in the morning."

"Get up and get it."

"No, you get up and get it."

"I'll bite you."

"I'll get up and get it."

"Thanks babe."

Lindsay rolled back over and pulled a pillow over her head while Adam stood up and rubbed his eyes, heading down the stairs.

"That be my Sarah," Avery announced, coming out of her room just as he passed.

"You think so?"

"Uh-huh! They comin' over today! Remember daddy? No school."

"Oh, mama's going to be thrilled. We both forgot. C'mon Tink, we'd better go answer the door."

He swung her up into his arms and headed downstairs to find all five Messers in various states of early morning awareness. Junior looked ready to go, just like his parents, but Sarah was yawning so hard her eyes were watering, and the glare on Isa's face could have probably killed someone.

"Mornin'!" Avery greeted. "Come inside! We have breakfast."

"We already ate, sissy Aves. Bright and early. We had cereal."

"Oh. Daddy, put me down, I wanna play with Sarah."

Adam yawned and set her on the floor where she grabbed Sarah's hand and pulled her into the other room, jabbering on about something or another. Isa followed them and climbed onto the couch turning her back to the room and going to sleep.

"You guys forgot," Austin deduced, arching an eyebrow.

"It was one of those things you think you're going to remember and then you forget because you didn't write it down because you thought you would remember."

"Well, everything going to be alright then?"

"Yeah, but I'm not waking the beast until the last possible moment. She already threatened bodily harm."

"Well good luck with that one buddy. See ya later."

They closed the door behind them just as Ben started down the stairs, his hair sticking up on one side, though not as bad as Avery's.

"Yahoo! I thought I heard Dunner! C'mon buddy, let's go play! I digged out my light up dinosaurs last night! Cole's sleepin' still so we can play down here. Help me get them!"

The boys charged up the stairs while Avery and Sarah scooted into the kitchen.

"I will make you some Eggos, Averylin. And then after that I won't be so tired. Then you can play me what your mama taught you on the piano."

"Okay! Someday Sarah, I will make music an' you will dance!"

"That would be fun! Now, would you like regular or blueberry and what about Benjamin?"

"Blueberry for me an' Ben! Oh thank you Sarah!"

"You're welcome. I like to make breakfast. Want me to show you how to use the toaster?"

"Okay!"

"Sarah, I'm going to go get changed and wake up Lindsay. You got it under control in here?"

"I got it, Uncle Adam."

"Thanks sweetie."

He went upstairs and peeked in on Ben and Junior who were trying unsuccessfully to be quiet while they hauled the dinosaurs out from under the bed. Colton had pulled his pillow over his head in annoyance and probably wouldn't be going back to sleep this morning but would more than likely lie in bed for at least another half hour.

"Babe, kids are here," Adam announced, flopping down on the bed next to Lindsay who still was laboring under the delusion that she would get some more sleep.

"Mmm."

"I need to jump in the shower because I do have to head to work in a while so that means you need to crawl out of bed at some point too."

"Can some point be at like a quarter to ten?"

"No dice, my dear."

"Five minutes."

"I'll make you coffee if you get up now."

"Ug, okay."

She didn't move.

"Lindsay the mattress is telling you to vamoose."

"No, it's speaking Latin. Vamoose means to stay and keep it company."

"Honey…"

"The kids can take care of themselves. They're like twelve now right?"

"Colton and Isa are both asleep, Sarah's making breakfast for Avery and Ben, and you had better get up before lunch because there's only two packets of ramen left and that's all she knows how to make."

"What's in this for me?"

"Not having to rush one or more children to the emergency room."

"Okay, okay. Why did we stay up until 2 in the morning?"

"Because you wouldn't shut up."

"No you wouldn't."

"You say things and then I have to respond to them! Do you expect me to just snort and roll over?"

"No. We just need to stop liking each other so much maybe."

"Maybe," he agreed, reaching down and pulling the blanket off of her. She yelped and rolled off the bed, grabbing her robe off the chair and resigning herself to having to be up and in tune with the world.

"I reserve the right to be grumpy for a few hours," she said, leaning down to fix the hem of her pajamas. "So warn the kids."

"Very funny. I'm going to go grab a shower."

She wrinkled her nose but went downstairs anyway. Ben and Junior were playing under the dining room table while Avery and Sarah sat on the loveseat watching cartoons and Isa lay on the couch blinking slowly and yawning.

"Mornin' pigeon. How's it shakin'?"

"My ma woke me up before the sun. She was singing Sugar Ray and she turned on my lights and threw my blankets off. Just how do you think it's shakin' Indy?"

"So the compromise was that you would get dressed but you didn't have to brush your hair."

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"I ain't stupid. Plus it looks like a family of rats took up residence in it. Even your ma wouldn't let you walk out of the house like that without a reason."

"Great detective work," Isa said, rolling her eyes. Lindsay laughed and kissed Isa's cheek then sat down on the other end of the couch, pulling a blanket over her legs.

"Mama! I want a puppy. Like Clifford!" Avery shouted happily. "I love him so most that he grow big and big and big!"

"Honey, daddy and I said no about a puppy right now."

"I know. I's just sayin' it."

Lindsay nodded and rubbed her eyes. They were planning on getting another dog around Christmas time, but didn't want to give away the surprise so they'd been having to act like it wasn't going to happen. Avery especially had been reminding them about how much she wanted a dog but was also the least likely to argue when they said no.

"What are we going to do today?" Sarah asked, tucking her hair behind her ear. "You got something fun up your sleeve?"

"Maybe I'll come up with something. You got anything up your sleeve?"

"Well remember the time me and Averylin played dress up in Uncle Adam's clothes? That would be fun again!"

"Yeah, you could do that. If it doesn't rain, maybe we'll go to the park after lunch."

"Cool! I need some pinecones or somethin' for an art thing I'm making for Papaw. I could get stuff there."

"I help you, Sarah. Okay?" Avery chirped.

"Thanks."

"We're a team mama. Me an' Sarah."

"I'm glad sweetie."

* * *

"I'm bored, Binyin," Junior sighed, staring out the window and watching the rain. "I want to go outside and play something but I think we would float away."

"Yeah and mama already said she doesn't want to clean up mud and she's tired of makin' us treasure maps all day long."

"I wish something exciting would happen around here. Like if that Publisher's Clearing House guy came to the door and gave Aunt Lin a huge check. Then we could go out for burgers."

"Are you still hungry?"

"Nah, I just like to be eating. Got any ideas for somethin' to do?"

"Know what? The other day my daddy found and old thing what makes videos. Maybe we could play with it."

"What kind of video would we make?"

"Hmm. Maybe we could make a video about what's going on here."

"Like the news?"

"Yeah! That's a great idea, Dunner! We could do the news of the house. We'll wear fancies and you can do some sports talk."

"Yeah, let's do it! You have fancies I could wear? I'm kind of more tallish than you."

"I think so. And I will let you wear my favoritest tie! I will go get that thing from mama, hold on a sec."

Ben raced out of the room and down the stairs where Lindsay was cleaning the kitchen.

"Hey mama! Can I play with that thing what makes movies?"

"The camcorder?"

"Yeah that thing! Me and Dunner are going to be on the news. Can you get it for me?"

"Do you know where daddy put it?"

"In the coat closet on the top shelf. He said there's tapes in there too what were never used. Can we have one?"

"Sure buddy."

He followed her to the closet and she opened it, finding the old camcorder and some unopened tapes.

"This is heavy, so you're going to have to be careful. Do you remember how daddy taught you how to use it?"

"Yep I do! And we will be careful. Thanks mama!"

He hauled everything upstairs to the bedroom where he found Junior already half dressed in a suit jacket and contemplating which slacks to pair with it.

"Those gray ones are the ones what are the longest on me so you should wear those."

"Okay."

He put the pants on then began moving the desks around the room until they were just how he wanted them.

"Should we keep our real names or make up new ones? If we make up new ones I would like to be Simon Smith, Sportscaster and Weatherman."

"Okay! What kind of name should I have? I like the name Howard. Howard Polident I think."

"Isn't Polident that thing for dentures, Binyin?"

"I don't know. I just like the name. What should our stories be about?"

Junior thought for a bit while Ben set up the camera, balancing it on the bookcase and making sure they would be in the shot.

"Maybe the first one should be about sissy Aves and how she keeps getting sent to her room. We could do a deep investigation and ask her about it. And we could interview Sarah and ask her how she feels about her best friend being in trouble."

"Okay! And then after that you could do something about the sports. Like a story on what sport is your most favorite."

"That sounds like a good plan. Maybe after that you can do a report on Colton and Isa's school project they're working on downstairs and then I will do the weather and we'll be done."

"That sounds good. We'd better write this all down. And we're going to need a name for our news station too."

Junior nodded and opened the desk, finding a piece of paper and a pencil, writing down their plans so far while Ben changed into something nicer and found bowties for both of them.

"Should we make a background? Like how they have on the real news?" Junior asked, tapping the pencil against his chin. "I bet Sarah would help us."

"Yeah we could do that. Or what if we hanged a sheet there instead?"

"Okay."

"I will go get a sheet from the closet and some tacks from by the computer."

He ran out of the room and was back in ten minutes with supplies. By this time Avery had been released from her bedroom, only to run into the dining room and ruin half of Isa and Colton's project, which sent her right back to her room with a scowl on her face.

"Man, there's just news happening right under our noses! We'd better hurry up so we don't miss anything!"

"Binyin- I mean Howard, how do you do this tie?"

"It's a clip-on, Simon. I will show you. See you just put the clip part here and pinch it together. There ya go, now you're fancy like me!"

"I wish I had fancy shoes too."

"Well no one will see your feet, they'll be under the desk. Want to practice this before we do it? Or do you think it will be more real to life if we just go off the cuff?"

"Let's go off the cuff. As to not miss things that are happening. Plus, all the best comedy happens when you least expect it, that's what my ma says."

"Sounds like a plan. Hey maybe we could show this news broadcast when everyone gets home tonight."

Junior nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, and then they will see what they missed today."

"We can fill them in. Also Mac and Jo-Jo will be here so they can see it too! This is gonna be so much fun Dunner!"

* * *

"Welcome to the Best Buddy News Network!"

"My name is Simon Smith with Sports and Weather together."

"And I am Howard Polident, with news you can use for your everyday life."

"We have some great stories for you today folks, so hold onto your hats!"

"Our first story today comes from right across the hallway. Today was a record breaking day in the house. Today, Avery Ross was sended to her room five times for bad behavior! We go to Simon Smith, who has the story."

The camera cut out, then came back on again to show Junior standing outside Avery's door, holding a microphone the boys had made out of an old toilet paper tube.

"I'm here outside Avery's room," he said, indicating the door. "She's been in here for quite a while and by the sounds of things, her crying has not stopped. Let's see if we can get an exclusive interview. Hello Avery, this is Simon Smith with the Best Buddy News Network! Would you like to make a statement about your recent incarceration?"

"Go away!" she sobbed from her bedroom. "I'm fabulous!"

"It seems that the witness is not cooperating at this time. That's okay! Howard Polident has an interview with Avery's best friend Sarah Messer. We'll go to him with the rest of the story."

The camera cut again and restarted, finding Sarah sitting on the couch practicing her knitting.

"Good morning Miss Messer. My name is Howard Polident and I would like to interview you about the days events."

Sarah giggled and nodded and Ben sat on the couch next to her, looking serious.

"Now Sarah, as we've already told our viewers, Avery has been sended to her room five times today. This is a Ross family record. How do you feel about this?"

"Well I feel like Averylin is having a very wild day and sometimes she might need time alone to deal with things."

"Do you feel that the punishment fits the crime?"

"Oh yes. I don't like to see Averylin crying and I don't want her to be in trouble, especially because we had a very fun game planned. But she also needs to learn her lessons."

"Do you have any advice for Avery?"

"Yes, I would tell her to do apologizing for the things she has done wrong today. Then she will remember all that much better."

"Thank you for your input Sarah, and we hope that you will watch our news broadcast this evening."

"Okay," Sarah giggled, shaking Ben's hand.

"And now it's time for the Sports and Weather, and not in that order."

The scene changed to find Junior in front of the window in the boys room, shouting to be heard over the rain.

"As you can see," he hollered, pointing to the open window. "It's raining like mad outside today! We have a high temperature of pretty cold, and a low temperature of a lot cold! For tomorrow-"

A gust of wind came up and started blowing rain in through the window.

"Oh no! Binyin help!"

The camera jerked to the side as Ben rushed to help put the window down and pick up the papers that had blown off the desk.

"As you can see," Junior started, adjusting his bowtie. "It is also mighty windy today."

Ben fixed the camera and Junior sat down at the desk, picking up his papers and glancing over them.

"And now that I have my composure again, it is time to talk about sports. A recent study has just shown that baseball is the best sport in the world, and the Yankees are the best team. You can ask anyone in New York and they will tell you, I am sure. As for me, I hope to play more baseball for the rest of my life. Look for me out in the field, I will be the cute one scoring all the runs!"

Ben joined him at the desk and they both waved to the camera.

"That's all the time we have for tonight folks, on account of Simon's ma just got here! Tune in another time for more news from the Best Buddy News Network. Drive safe!"

The video ended and Ben and Junior jumped up from where they'd been sitting on the couches and both took bows.

"Did y'all like our news?" Ben asked hopefully. Everyone was trying so hard not to laugh that all they could do was nod.

"I especially liked the weather report, Daniel!" Sarah said with a nod. "I wish all the weather was that exciting."

"Hey how come you guys didn't interview me and Colt about our school project?"

"We didn't want to bother you. And we ran out of time. But what about next time?"

"Okay!"

Avery was curled up in Jo's lap, hiding her face and refusing to look at anyone. Ben walked over and patted her shoulder, earning no sign of recognition.

"Sissy, are you upset with the way we portrayed your story?"

"I am not a bad girl!"

"I know! We were just astounded by the times you was sended to your room. I holded the record for that one. Four times in one day for lying, back when I was just a kid!"

"That not nice, Ben."

"Do you think we should not have done the story?"

"No! All-body thinks I so bad!"

"We don't think you're bad, Avery," Mac assured, reaching over to take her hand. "It's just like Sarah said, you had a wild day."

"Yeah?"

"Of course."

"Yeah Avery," Isa agreed with a nod. "If that made you a bad girl, then I would be a bad girl too. My whole life is a wild day."

"Okay. Then I like the news."

"This doesn't mean you don't have to try and improve your behavior tomorrow," Adam reminded her. "I don't want to come home and find both you and mama upset about the day, okay?"

"Okay daddy. Now everyone, we have ice-cream!"

She hopped off of Jo's lap and began to take orders while Lindsay and Danny went into the kitchen to start scooping.

"Did you like our news daddy?" Ben asked, smiling as he was lifted onto Adam's lap.

"Sure I did."

"Think we should do it again?"

"That would be great buddy. You boys did a good job. If it's something you want to keep doing, maybe I can find you a tripod to put the camera on so you can both be in the shot at the same time."

"Okay! Thanks daddy! C'mon Dunner, let's go plan our next news!"

* * *

"Hey babe?"

"Mmm."

"Babe, wake up."

"Mmm-mm."

"C'mon Linds."

Groaning, she opened her eyes to find him smiling down at her in the darkness.

"What?"

"Happy anniversary."

"You woke me up for that?"

"I thought I was being romantic."

She laughed and rolled over, smiling when his arms went around her and his lips found hers carefully.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"You're really pretty."

"Babe, you woke me up in the middle of the night. The answer is no."

"I've been laying here watching you since you fell asleep two hours ago. Doesn't that count for something?"

"Yes, that you're creepy."

"Eleven years is a long time."

"Are you trying to say you're finally bored with me?"

"Never. I'm just saying, it's a big accomplishment. Most people don't make it this long."

"Is it really that much of a struggle?"

"I think if we didn't love each other, yeah. But us? Nah, I think we got it really easy."

"At least when we do have struggles it's worth it."

"I'm sure glad you agreed to this crazy train. If you hadn't, where would I be right now?"

"Right here with me. I couldn't have said no for too long. Especially looking back, I know I wouldn't change a single day."

"Good, then your brothers aren't going to kill me."

"Of course sometimes I would like to go back and do it all again."

"All of it?"

"Well maybe not some parts. But it would be fun to date again. And all the stuff before we had kids. I don't know, it would just be nice to not take all the early days for granted."

"What do you miss the most?" he asked after a moment.

"Late night runs to that 24 hour breakfast place that was down the street. Staying in bed all weekend. Learning how to be married."

"I miss walking around naked."

"Adam you did that once and it only lasted for about two minutes before I told you you'd better put clothes on or I'd make sure you were never naked again."

He chuckled at the memory and the look on her face.

"You know what I think?"

"I can only imagine," she muttered around a yawn.

"I think that our anniversaries don't matter that much. It's just the passing of time you know?"

"Oh I see what's going on here."

"What?" he asked innocently, his eyebrows shooting up.

"You forgot our anniversary and you didn't get anything. You remembered very late tonight, after I was already asleep, and you knew that you wouldn't have a chance to sneak out of bed and get me anything in the morning, so waking me up now was your romantic gesture, and you're trying to get me to agree that anniversaries don't matter so I won't be mad that you forgot."

"Maybe we've been married too long."

She laughed and shook her head, leaning up to kiss him.

"I love you, no matter how weird I think you are."

"I love you too babe. We'll go out to dinner or something okay?"

"We don't have to do anything. I'm just glad I'm with you. That's enough."

"Alright but for Christmas I owe you something so good, it makes it as the first story on the Best Buddy News Network."

"It's a deal."


	278. Chapter 278

"Happy birthday to me!" Avery sang at the top of her lungs as she rolled out of bed. "Happy party day to me! Happy party birthday!"

She ran across the hall and pushed the boys bedroom door open, squealing happily and jumping onto Colton's bed.

"Coley! Happy birthday party! I'm four!"

"Could you go and be four in your own room?"

"Nope! You an' me are birthday buddies! That's what daddy said!"

Colton grunted and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head. Avery sighed and climbed down from his bed and went over to climb under the covers with Ben.

"Mornin' sissy! Happy birthday party day!"

"I'm four!" she repeated, holding up three fingers.

"Lemme help ya. Gotta add a finger on account of you added a age."

"Oh!" she giggled, popping another finger up. "There. I'm four."

"Are you excited about your special party today sissy?"

"Yep! So most excited Ben. Gonna play with doggies and have a tea party with mama! An' today at night we will have such a party for me, and Coley, and you!"

"And Dunner too, sissy. On account of his birthday is in this week too."

"Yes, and Dan-yo. Great time be had by all."

Ben laughed and leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"I love you. I'm glad you're my sissy. I couldn't never find a better sissy, you know. Other girls is not crazy like you."

"Yep. We can go get food now? I want a tasty meal!"

"Like what?"

"I'm thinkin' of somethin' best," she started, her eyes drifting up to the ceiling dreamily. "Something most good for breakfast."

"Oh, pop-tarts! I could make that for ya, sissy! C'mon, let's go downstairs!"

They ran out of the room and were about to make their way down the stairs when they heard a throat clearing behind them.

"Freeze, anklebiters."

Spinning around, Avery burst into laughter so hard she was doubled over, holding her sides.

"Oh, ho, ho, ho!" she chortled. "Daddy's in his underpants!"

Ben began to hoot with laughter too, like neither one of them had ever seen him in his boxers. Colton wasn't amused and walked to the bedroom door, slamming it closed so he could get some more sleep.

"Kids, hush up. It's too early to be this loud. Come on, let's go make breakfast."

"Could I stir the pancakes?" Ben asked, hopping down the stairs excitedly. "And make a heart shaped one for sissy to express my love for her on her birthday?"

"Sure buddy. Averylin, you want some eggs too?"

"Oh yes daddy! I love food!"

"Just like your mama."

"Oh mama! I must get mama!"

She turned and ran back up the stairs, skidding around the corner in the hallway and huffing and puffing by the time she reached the top floor.

"Mama! Mornin' mama, it my happy birthday party day!"

She threw the bedroom door open and scrambled onto the bed, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Hey! We're gonna go see the puppies soon?"

"Not soon honey. After the boys go to school."

"Oh, alright. Hey mama, you jump on this bed with me?"

"No, my hips will break and then we can't go to see the puppies later."

Avery sighed unhappily, dropping her chin to her chest and letting a tear slide down her cheek.

"Alright, I'll jump with you."

"You do? Oh mama, I love you so most!"

They began to jump and Avery squealed with delight, losing her footing a few times and tumbling back to the mattress. She laughed heartily and stood up again, regaining her balance and straightening her messy hair before jumping up and down again.

"What's all this noise going on in here?" Colton asked, rubbing his eyes and giving them both a grin.

"We're jumpin' Coley! C'mon an' join us! For our birthday!"

"There's not room, Aves. How about you jump and I will attack your feet?"

She screamed with laughter and ran to get away, nearly falling off the bed twice before Lindsay caught her.

"Where's daddy and Ben?"

"Makin' breakfast!" Avery answered, shouting. "Makin' eggs for Avery!"

"I'll go see if they need help," Colton offered with a yawn. "Or a taste test."

"Mama, you 'member when I was borned?" Avery asked, tipping her head to the side as Colton ran out of the room.

"Yes I do. You were a big surprise because we thought we were going to have another boy. And then we got you instead."

"Oh! That's so funny! I was cute huh?"

"Yes, you were very cute."

"And chubby?"

"Pretty chubby."

"And most smart huh?"

"I thought so."

"Mama, when I have my own baby?"

"Hopefully not for a long time. You're still my baby right now. I have a lot to teach you before you can be a mama. It's going to take a lot of years."

"Okay. What will you teach me today?"

"Hmm. I'll have to think of something. Should we go check on breakfast?"

"Yes! I love food!"

* * *

"So sissy, what 'zactly are you and mama gonna do while me and Cole are at school?" Ben asked, trying to zip up her coat for her.

"Goin' to the doggie place. Takin' them toys and food to have. Cuz they don't got no family. An' that's what I want for my birthday, to take care of the puppies."

"That sounds like fun sissy. Wish I could go with y'all."

"Me too Ben! Mama can take pictures to show, okay?"

"Okay! There, I got your coat zipped all up. Cole, put her hat on her!"

Colton pulled the knitted hat onto Avery's head and she giggled, pulling it tighter until it was just how she wanted it.

"Thanks boys! I am most ready. Mama! Hurry!"

"Her and daddy is probably kissin' in the kitchen like always," Ben sighed, pulling his boots on. "I bet daddy will even pat mama's butt too. That's so weird."

"I think so too. I'll go check what they're doing. We're going to be late for school if they don't quit their kissin'."

Colton ran off into the kitchen while Ben grabbed his backpack from the hook by the back door and checked inside to make sure he had everything.

"Know what I am takin' for show and tell today?"

"What?"

"This picture! It's of Cole and me and you when you were just a little baby. See how you got this hat on? That's what's called a hospital hat. They put it on kids what have only lived at the hospital so far. See how we are holding you? It's a picture of the first day we meeted, me and you. Thought it would be a good show and tell because it's your birthday. And Cole's too!"

"Oh wow Ben. I so very little! An' lookit, you were so cute!"

"Yep, I was. Very adorable."

"My goodness you haved a giant head!"

"Well, let's not point that out, sissy."

She giggled and glanced at the picture again before he put it back in his backpack.

"Hey sissy?"

"Yes Ben?"

"I am real glad you was born. Real, real glad."

"Me too!"

"I like that you're my sissy, I wouldn't want nobody else."

"That makes me smile, Ben."

"Good. C'mon, let's see what's takin' everybody so long."

He took her hand and they went into the kitchen finding Lindsay and Adam laughing hysterically over something while Colton stood with his hands on his hips.

"I don't know what y'all are laughing about but we're going to be late for school!" he admonished, tapping his foot. "This is ridiculous."

"Well daddy said something," Lindsay started, breaking into laughter. "And then I got mad and started yelling."

"And then I tripped when I was trying to get away," Adam continued, wiping laughter tears from his eyes.

"And he almost cracked his head open!" Lindsay finished, grabbing onto the counter for support. "I guess you just had to be there."

"You guys are so weird," Colton said with a little laugh. "But seriously, we have to go."

"Alright, let me just kiss mama real quick and then we'll go."

The boys groaned and covered their eyes but Avery giggled and placed her hand over her heart wistfully.

"Daddy an' mama love each other so most," she decided with a shake of her head. "They is so lucky."

"I think so too," Adam agreed, reaching down to pick her up. "Happy birthday sweetie. I'll see you later this afternoon okay? I'll bring you cake and presents."

"Yay! Thanks daddy!"

She kissed him and wiggled down to the floor.

"Mama, I get your coat, so's we can skedaddle!"

"Okay sweetie," Lindsay laughed wondering again how Avery had almost overnight expanded her vocabulary. One day it was four word sentences and now she was speaking as if she'd been doing it for years. They were surprised at the phrases she knew and remembered and tried not to laugh at her for the way she used them, but sometimes she was so dramatic it couldn't be helped.

Soon the boys were out the door and Avery was dancing around the living room, singing a song about puppies and how most she loved them, and what it was like to be four. Lindsay put her coat on and watched with a grin, wondering how long Avery would live a life not caring what anyone else thought.

"Ready to go honey?"

"Yep! How many puppies will we see?"

"I don't know. I called them yesterday and they said that everyone who donates food and toys gets to play with the puppies or the kittens."

"Oh, kittens too? I play with all them?"

"I don't know, we'll see. We have to make a few stops before we get there though, okay?"

"Well okay. We can take daddy's little car? Not your big car?"

"Daddy took the big car because he had to take the boys to school and he needs to pick up party stuff on the way home."

"Oh. Well lets go! Come on mama! Here take my hand. I will pull you."

"Avery you're so weird."

"I know! Let's go!"

"Do you want to stop for hot chocolate?"

"Alright!"

"And what would you like for lunch?"

"Hmm, a Happy Meal. To make me happy!"

"Will it make you talk a little quieter too?"

"Naw."

Lindsay sighed and figured getting Avery to speak at an appropriate volume was a lost cause. She was constantly shouting instead of just talking and a hearing test had revealed her hearing was normal. She'd explained "No one listens to Avery Grace. Gotta yell," when they'd asked her about it, and nothing seemed to change her mind now. Hopefully she would grow out of it, but they were learning to embrace it as a weird facet of their daughter rather then get upset that she wasn't subscribing to the preapproved method for childhood.

"Hey mama?"

"Hey Avery?"

Avery burst into laughter, and clapped her hands.

"Hey Jude!"

"Way, way too much time with Austin."

"Austin plays music like you don't play! She play Beatles an' AC/DC an' um… Jovi!"

"Bon Jovi?"

"Yep. Old stuff, she says. And we listen lots and lots of Elvis The King!"

"That sounds like fun."

"Don't worry mama. Like country the best!"

"That's my girl."

"We could listen to somethin'?"

"What do you want to listen to?"

"Hmm. Oh I know! The song 'bout the doggie in the window!"

"Oh boy. Averylin Grace."

"I'm fabulous."

* * *

"Hey all you puppies!" Avery greeted when the door to the puppy room was opened for her. "I'm here to play with y'all!"

She dropped down to the floor and several small dogs trounced over, jumping on her and licking her face.

"Mama, lookit all of them! They be so happy we brung toys an' food. Hear that puppies? Me and mama brunged toys and food for you!"

Lindsay chuckled and crouched down, moving Avery's hair back from her face.

"Your lap is just full of puppies isn't it?"

"My cup runneth over mama! An' lookit this little fella! Hey buddy! What happened to your other eye?"

"We think it was lost in a fight."

Avery looked up at the volunteer caretaker, shaking her head.

"But him so sweet! He wouldn't fight, would you pal? What kind of dog is you? I like your fluffy tail!"

"That's a Lhasa apso. Part something else too but we haven't figured out what yet."

Avery lifted the dog into her lap, holding it in a tight hug.

"I like you, dog. Mama, I like this dog. I want him. I would call his name Thomas."

"We're not getting a dog today sweetie."

"I know that. I just sayin'."

"Okay."

Avery went back to playing with the puppies, crawling around the linoleum floor on her hands and knees while they ran next to her happily. It seemed that no matter how well cared for these abandoned animals were, there was never enough attention to go around. Lindsay started to wonder if volunteering their time once a week was something she and Avery could do together. She couldn't imagine Avery not wanting to do it, and they usually had at least one morning a week that they could fill with something worthwhile.

"Mama, I really like this guy," Avery reminded her. "Not wanna leave him here."

"I know sweetie."

"Jus' remindin' ya," Avery whispered. "Hey ma'am, can we get out some of them toys I brung? So the puppies can have 'em?"

"Sure kiddo."

Avery was delighted to open the bag of toys and drop them on the floor, laughing as the dogs explored them all. Her favorite dog seemed content to stick by her side and she kept shooting Lindsay looks and pointing, making it very clear she was ready to take this dog home. Lindsay wasn't so sure yet. This was supposed to be a covert operation to see how Avery interacted with the dogs and if she was ready to take care of one, but she hadn't banked on finding a dog today. Instead of worrying about it, she talked to the caretaker about volunteering, and what kinds of things they would be able to help with. It seemed that there was an endless list of needs at the shelter, from coming to play with the animals, to foster care when the shelter became too crowded, to donating supplies. There was even a need for occasional maintenance and one Saturday a month volunteers would gather to take care of the building itself. Avery would probably be overjoyed with all of that, but as they hit the half hour mark of her playing with the dogs, it seemed that she'd found out exactly what she wanted.

"Mama lookit how he loves me! He could come home with us!"

"Honey, were not getting a puppy today."

"Tomorrow?"

"We have to talk to daddy before we make a decision."

"But mama!"

"Averylin," Lindsay started, crouching down to look at her. "I don't want you to throw a fit today."

"Could I cry?"

"Are you needing to go home?"

"No! I want to stay here! With Thomas!"

"Honey, I'm very sorry that we can't-"

"No one will love him like me!"

"I think you're overwhelmed and it's time to go home."

"No!" Avery wept, even as she was scooped up off the floor. "I love Thomas, I want him so most! Thomas! Thomas, I'll come back for you!"

"I'm sorry baby."

"He only gots one eye!" she wailed as they left the shelter and went to the car. "An' it was fixed on me!"

Lindsay would have laughed if her daughter wasn't so distraught over the whole matter. She felt awful about taking her there and making her walk out empty handed, even though that had been understood from the beginning.

"Mama, I want Thomas! He gots no home!"

"I know baby. I'm very sorry that we can't take him home today. We need to talk to daddy okay?"

"Call him now! Tell him I falled in love so fast!"

"He's in court today Avery. I'll tell him as soon as he gets home."

Avery continued to sob, her cries escalating as they left the parking lot and headed down the road.

"Honey, take a deep breath please."

"I'm not havin' a fit," she hiccupped. "I am so sad for Thomas! He gots to be all alone! With just one eye!"

"I know sweetie. I feel bad for him too."

"I wanna protect him! Give him love. Like… like how Ben an' Coley do for me!"

"Maybe we can do that sweetie, but I need to talk to daddy first."

Avery sniffled and wiped at her eyes as they pulled into the drive-thru. She stared out the window, wishing they could turn the car around and go back to rescue her Thomas. She wanted him to live at their house and sleep in her room and play with her all the time. She wanted to take him for walks to the park and watch movies with him and have a best friend right in her own house. She wanted to give that puppy all the best toys and clothes and everything a dog could ever want. It broke her little heart to think of him back in that room, sitting at the door watching her as she was carried away.

"Here's a Happy Meal sweetie. Will that cheer you up?"

Avery nodded and opened the bag, pulling out the toy and bursting into fresh tears.

"This is the wrong Thomas!" she wailed, holding up the plastic train toy. "It's all wrong!"

"Oh Avery," Lindsay sighed, pulling the car into the parking lot instead of heading back out on the road. "I will talk to daddy tonight, okay?"

"But I am so sad."

"I know you are. That's okay sweetie. But you need to take a deep breath and calm down a little."

"Okay."

"Remember it's your birthday and we're having a big party tonight with cake and ice-cream and all our friends and family there. I promise you I will talk to daddy today alright?"

"Okay mama."

"Eat your lunch and we'll have a nice nap when we get home and then a piano lesson, okay?"

"Teach me to play a song?"

"I will try."

"I will be happy, mama. I will do best."

"That's my girl."

"Ooh, chicken nuggets!"

* * *

"The story of the one-eyed puppy really touches my heart, Averylin," Sarah sighed. "I wish you could bring that dog home too. But when your mama talks to your daddy, maybe that's what they will decide."

"I am so sad, Sarah."

"I know. That's because you have a lot of love to give. I like that about you."

"Thanks Sarah."

"Hey sissy Aves!" Junior shouted, running across the room to hug her. "Happy birthday kiddo!"

She laughed and he mushed his lips into her chubby cheek while she turned a bright shade of red.

"Thanks Dan-yo," she said shyly, wiping at her cheek. "That was wet."

"Sorry!"

He laughed and took off across the room to join Ben and Colton who were taking some new toys out of their packages while Isa shook her head and told them they were doing it wrong.

"Averylin, want to play with your new toys? Like this dollhouse?"

"Okay. Maybe we go upstairs an' get my Barbies?"

"Sure."

They started to head upstairs but were stopped by Lindsay who directed them back to the couch, saying there was just one more present for Avery. Colton and Ben were both antsy with excitement, for they'd been let in on the secret earlier and couldn't wait to see Avery's reaction to the surprise.

"What is it, mama?" Avery asked, hopping up from the couch, then sitting down again.

"Daddy's getting it."

"This is so 'citing!" she exclaimed. "Sarah what you think it is?"

"I don't know, Averylin! I can't wait to find out."

"Are you ready, Tink?" Adam asked, coming downstairs with a large box.

"So most daddy! I wanna see!"

He set the box down in front of her and she ripped the lid off, squealing in delight and surprise.

"Thomas! Oh Thomas!"

She reached down into the box and took the dog out, cradling it against her chest and weeping as if a prodigal son had returned home.

"Oh Thomas I knowed I'd not leave ya for long!" she cried, near hysterics. "I love you so, so most!"

"Sissy, me and daddy an' Cole went to pick up your doggie after school! And the lady there, she said this is a girl dog!"

"A girl dog?"

"Yep! So you gotta think of another name 'sides Thomas."

"No way! I called her Thomas, and she is Thomas."

"Aves, that's a boy name. Don't you think-"

"Her name is Thomas!" Avery shouted, her eyes spitting fire at both the boys. "An' don't you forget!"

"Okay Aves, geez."

"Her's the most beautiful, most wonderful, most lovely bitch in the world."

"Averylin!"

"What?"

"We don't say that word."

"Was on Animal Planet!" Avery defended, patting Thomas' head. "It's true!"

"Alright, but we still don't use that word."

"Okay. C'mon Thomas, I give you the tour. Can you go on stairs?"

The dog followed along behind her as she headed upstairs, wiping her tears of joy out of her eyes. She was so happy that she'd had a small accident in her princess underwear, but she wasn't going to tell anyone, not even Sarah.

"Thomas, this is my room! Look, you can sleep in my bed!"

Thomas looked up at her and wagged her tail and Avery sunk to the floor, taking the dog in a hug.

"I'm so happy Thomas! I love you!"

"Hey sissy, we'd like to play with Thomas too!" Ben said, as the rest of the kids filed into the room. "Could we?"

"Thomas is mine!" she shouted. "Hers my soulmate!"

Ben burst into laughter and Avery growled at him, turning her body so she was between him and the dog.

"Averylin can I meet Thomas?" Sarah asked warily.

"'Course! I know you love her, Sarah! Thomas, this my human best friend Sarah Claire Messer! Sarah, this is Thomas… Thomas… I not know a next name!"

"Just think of a name you love," Isa suggested, shrugging and reaching down to pet Thomas gently.

"Thomas Cheeto Ross!"

"Cheeto?" Junior asked, wrinkling his whole face.

"Yes. I love Cheetos."

"What about something more like a name what Thomas could be proud of," Ben suggested. "Like Thomas Mighty Warrior Ross."

"Hers not a mighty warrior Ben! Hers a lady! Hey, that's it! Thomas Lady Ross!"

Nodding her head with the decision, Avery kissed the end of Thomas' nose.

"I love you so most Thomas! Let's play!"

She picked up a stuffed animal and tossed it across the room, intending that Thomas would retrieve it for her. The dog just sat there smiling up at her happily.

"Thomas, you gotta fetch, girl! Go get the toy!"

Thomas lay down and dropped her chin to her paws, glancing about the room as if waiting for something to happen.

"Oh dear. Thomas I will show ya," Avery sighed, getting on all fours and heading across the room. She barked and wagged her "tail" as she went, earning great laughter from the rest of the kids who were delighted to see how all this was going to play out.

"An' you pick it up like this!" she directed, taking the toy into her mouth.

"And then what Aves?"

Her answer came in the form of gibberish as she trotted back to Thomas, dropping the toy next to her.

"See? Easy!"

"You didn't stop and pee on anything on the way!" Junior laughed. She glared up at him but otherwise ignored his teasing.

"Now Thomas, it's your turn. Ready? Get on your feet!"

Thomas sat up and her tail swished against the floor happily.

"On all four of them, Thomas! Say "okay mama," because I am your mama now you know."

Ben choked back a laugh and Sarah narrowed her eyes at him, in defense of her best friend rather in support of what Avery was saying, for she thought it was silly too.

"This is hard work," Avery sighed, lifting Thomas onto her feet. "Now hop to."

She tossed the toy again and Thomas trotted over, sniffing at it, turning it over with her paw, then glancing back at Avery.

"Bring it here Thomas! That's my girl!"

Thomas ran back with the toy in her mouth and Avery nearly burst into tears of joy.

"Oh Thomas, you make me proud!" she laughed, patting the dog affectionately. "I love you so most! You're my best!"

"Welcome to the family, Thomas," Colton chuckled. "I'm sure you'll get used to Aves being crazy in no time."


	279. Chapter 279

_He just doesn't understand it. He doesn't know how hard it is. He doesn't care, he just thinks he's right. He doesn't want to bother with me anymore. I'm too much trouble and he's tired of trying to understand. I can't really blame him can I? I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm really not. And with everything he's forced to deal with because of me… it's not fair for me to be upset with him, is it really?_

Lindsay rolled over in bed and sighed, glancing over at Adam who was sleeping peacefully, despite their fight earlier. Looking at him, she remembered the words he'd spoken in frustration but at the moment she was lost as to why they'd hurt her so much. She'd just been trying to make him understand, but it was so hard to convey her emotions without getting emotional and he thought it was high time for her to take her fears by the horns as it were. Clearly, they weren't seeing eye to eye or being very supportive of each other lately.

Carefully she reached over and took his hand, an act of apology because she couldn't make her mouth say the words adequately when he was awake. At least not now. Even if the exact words didn't sting, the fight still did. His hand squeezed hers gently and quelled the fire of regret burning in her belly, but she still wasn't keen on staying in bed with him, tossing and turning all night. She brushed her lips over his knuckles and slid out of bed, making her way downstairs.

The boys were both snoring, Colton more so than Ben, and she tucked the blankets around each of them, smiling at their month old Christmas pajamas that were already too small. She leaned down and kissed Colton's cheek and he smiled sleepily, muttering something before turning over. Ben was a far lighter sleeper so she didn't dare kiss him but she did watch him for a moment, wondering what kinds of strange things he was dreaming about. After a few moments she pulled herself from them and walked across the hall to Avery's room. There were dog toys all over the floor and she moved them aside with her foot as she made her way to the bed. Her little girl was sleeping heavily, spread out over most of the large bed while the dog snoozed at her side, chin propped up on paws. Carefully Lindsay climbed onto the bed and lay down with Avery, dropping several kisses to her plump cheeks before finding the quiet she needed to turn her thoughts off.

"I'm sorry mama's like this, baby," she whispered, stroking Avery's hair back from her face. "I'm okay I promise. I just worry about you. I'm doing my best. I don't want to hold you back."

"Mama," Avery muttered in her sleep, rolling over towards her.

"I love you sweetheart."

They lay there for a while in the dark, Lindsay listening to the sound of the water rushing through the boiler system to heat the house. She wondered briefly if Adam had noticed she was missing or if he was sleeping too deeply for it to register. All the other times she'd slipped downstairs to sleep in Avery's room, he'd woken up within minutes and went looking for her. Maybe he'd had enough.

Emotionally she was fine, at least she felt fine. She wasn't depressed as she'd been in the past, she wasn't just floating through life, didn't find herself staring blankly into space. But she couldn't shake the nightmares and the brief moments of panic through the day that something horrible was happening or was going to happen to Avery. She wasn't sure why exactly it had started but she had a sneaking suspicion that it really had very little to do with Avery and everything to do with herself.

Watching her daughter grow up in these last few months had driven an ache into her chest that wasn't going away. No matter how many years it had been, how many times she'd dealt with the emotions or how much forgiving had been done, occasionally she'd look down at Avery and see herself at that same age, without her mother. It always struck her violently and she had to close her eyes and remember this wasn't the same. She wasn't her mother, Avery wasn't her, and nothing like that would ever happen again. But it still crept in. Worries about Avery's self-esteem (especially how she always called herself chubby), worries about her safety at preschool, worries about how she'd deal with heartbreak, friendship drama, difficulties academically. She supposed they were things all mothers worried about, and in the brief moment she'd had to ask Austin's opinion, her fears of being irrational had been assuaged.

Once night fell, once her eyes closed, the nightmares came. It was never herself in danger anymore. It was always Avery in that diner or Avery on the wrong side of a gun or Avery in a car accident that left her motionless on the side of the road somewhere. The only way to get some relief was to sleep next to her daughter. It had been a few weeks of her sleeping with Avery, or Avery sleeping with them, but Adam had made clear tonight that Lindsay needed to figure something else out, because no one was sleeping well as it was.

She supposed he was tired, knew he was unable to help her through it, which made him feel like he'd failed her. She could excuse the tone of his voice and most of the words he'd said, but the truth of the matter was that he still felt like she was losing it. That part hurt quite a lot and sometimes she thought about how many years they had left together and how she'd already burned him out and very soon he would close off to her, they would become distant and she would be forced to deal with everything entirely on her own again. Her stomach lurched at the thought and she shook her head, pushing it away. She had to stop doing this. It was killing her.

* * *

"Mama, I finally got it!" Ben announced jumping down the last two steps. "I finally got all the money for my Big Mouth Billy Bass!"

"I still don't know why you want that, honey."

"Because it would be fun! I wanna hang it up over the toilet so I can have somethin' to look at while I go pee!"

"That's weird, Ben."

"Okay. But that is what I wanna do."

"I didn't think you had enough money yet."

"Oh I do! Daddy found a cheaper one on the computer. It's only thirty dollars! And Cole gived me the last three bucks with the promise that I would stop talkin' 'bout the thing! I can't wait to get it mama!"

"I'm glad you're so happy about it."

"I am glad that you're glad! It does my heart good to see you smilin' and 'specially when I was the one what made it happen! I'm gonna go tell sissy, she's been lookin' forward to this too! Hey sissy and Thomas guess what!?"

He ran upstairs and Lindsay turned back to the sink, scrubbing down the frying pan and ignoring the fact that Adam had slipped in and was watching her from the doorway. She wasn't ready to talk to him just yet, even if he was forgiven. She was more concerned with how he was feeling about her right now. She could feel him moving towards her and she tensed up, though not of her own accord.

"Linds," he started softly, his arms going around her from behind. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I'm okay."

"I know that's a lie, but that's alright."

"Don't give me a free pass, Adam. I'm fine."

"You're not."

"Let go of me, okay?"

"Okay, whatever."

She didn't want him to walk away, not really, but he did, going out to the other room while she finished up the cleaning and made sure the kids' lunches were packed. She hated this distance and the coldness but there was really nothing she could make herself do to fix it.

By the time the kitchen was cleaned up she found herself staring at the early part of her window to get the boys out of the house and to school before she had to work. They were both ready to go, jackets on, teeth brushed and shoes on feet but not tied. She reprimanded them a little more harshly than she would have normally, then gave them apologetic looks for the severity of her words.

"Bye mama! Me an' daddy is takin' Thomas to the park so hers can run! I will miss you so most!" Avery announced, skipping around the room.

"I'll miss you too, baby," Lindsay chuckled, grabbing Avery in her arms and kissing her. "When I get home from work, could we have a tea party?"

"Oh yes! With Thomas too?"

"Sure, with Thomas too."

Avery laughed and rushed over to tell the dog all about it while the boys trooped out to the car.

"Hey babe?"

"Hmm?"

"Be safe okay? I love you."

"I love you too. Avery, be a good girl for daddy."

"Okay mama, I shall. C'mon daddy, play monsters with me an' Thomas!"

Lindsay left the house feeling slightly deflated with a side order of exhaustion. It was with a heavy sigh that she got into the car, crossing her fingers that there would be no murders today, that she could spend her time in the lab, looking at trace evidence and not worrying about emotions.

"Hey mama, could I have money for chocolate milk?" Colton asked as they started down the street.

"I don't have any cash on me, honey."

"Oh. Well next week could we remember?"

"Sure."

"Are you alright?"

"She's distressed, Cole. I can tell. Because by her eyes is wrinkly."

"That's how you can tell?"

"Yep! Also because her hugs she gives us when she's distressed are much harder. Like she's tryin' real hard to squeeze some good stuff outta us for herself. If she hugs us tight enough, then she will feel happy. Don't you know that's why mama and daddy had so many kids?"

"Is that true mama?"

"I never thought about it that way but I suppose so."

"Are you really distressed? About what? Maybe me and Ben could help!"

"Yeah mama, let us help! We could be detectives what search to find your happiness again! That would be a great job for us. Also we could do funny things to make you laugh."

"What kinds of things?"

"Like a burping concert! You always think that is funny when you're not afraid we're gonna puke!"

"Maybe you can come up with something else. I'm just having a rough patch but I'll be better in a while. Maybe if we had a family movie night, that would cheer me up."

"Yes! Me and Cole will pick a movie, right Cole? A old one what was around when mama and daddy were kids."

"Okay. Let's think about it at school today. We'll exchange lists at recess."

"Awesome! Who's pickin' us up today mama? You or daddy? Or Mac! Could it be Mac? I really miss that guy!"

"You guys will ride the bus home and daddy will meet you there."

"Messers comin' over today?"

"No, not today, so make sure you all get on the right busses, okay?"

"Okay. What are we havin' for dinner?"

"Whatever daddy decides to make. There will be no complaining."

They both sighed. Adam was a good cook but when he was the only parent home all day he tended to go for something quick and easy. The boys were likely, at the end of the day, to want something that included a little bit from all the food groups, rather than just macaroni and cheese.

"Okay boys, be good today. I love you."

"Love you too mama," they responded in unison, both kissing her quickly as they slid out of the car and out to the playground where the Messer kids and a few other friends were gathered, waiting for the bell to ring. Lindsay stayed for just a moment, making sure the teacher had taken note of the boys' arrival, then headed out of the drop off area and to work.

The traffic did nothing for her mood and by the time she got to work she was ready to crawl back into bed and try to start the day over. Unfortunately, fate had other plans and just as she stepped off the elevator, she was handed her kit and directed to get back on.

"A scene before 8 am on a Friday? Jo, I don't remember signing up for this kind of treatment."

"I didn't either but duty calls. It's in University Heights," she said, punching the appropriate elevator button. "Which means you have time to tell my why you're sporting that look on your face today."

"Great."

Lindsay vowed to hold her tongue as long as she could but she was already talking by the time the car had started and before they even hit the road. She ran through the whole thing, explaining about her mothers' escape from the family, her fears for Avery, fears for herself, the way she felt Adam was responding to the whole thing. She finished with a big sigh, glancing over at Jo, who seemed to be focused on the road.

"Am I totally crazy?"

"No," Jo said definitively with a shake of her head. "I think that with everything you've been through, this is a totally normal reaction."

"But?"

"But I think you're spending a lot of time wondering if you're crazy. I think you need to learn to let go."

"Don't you ever worry, Jo?"

"About what?"

"Well about… anything?"

"Of course I do. I worry about Ellie ending up like her birth mother. I wonder if it's genetic, like she's predisposed to addiction. But I know that I've taught her the right things, and at this point I have to trust her."

"It's the world I don't trust."

"No, you don't trust yourself."

A silence fell over the car for almost a mile, and Lindsay couldn't help but shift uncomfortably in her seat. Leave it to Jo to loudly call attention to the thing that Lindsay was most worried about in herself. It wasn't done maliciously, it was done in a spirit of constructive criticism, an ability which Jo had earned by her mothering actions and self-sacrifice over the years. The words hurt a little, but only because they carried so much truth. Lindsay wasn't quite sure how to respond to it so she sat quietly for a while, staring out the window and resisting the urge to call Adam and make sure Avery was alright.

"I don't know how to let things go and leave them in the past and how to not worry about every little thing I do as if it's going to cause some chain reaction and everything will end up falling apart."

"You have to train yourself to stop. What happened to you is not going to happen to Avery. It's statistically improbable that anything even close to that will ever happen again in your family. As for being a good mother to her and guiding her properly, you're already doing that. She's happy, she's well adjusted, she thinks she's fabulous, and she knows you will never leave her. Sure, you've had some rough patches in parenting her and she's put you guys through the wringer on more than one occasion, but you dealt with it and it's over now. She's growing up and she's learning and while she may be extraordinarily weird, that's nothing to be ashamed of. She's herself. She's very aware that she's different and that's okay. You taught her that, Linds. It's not something she just picked up at the playground."

"Maybe that's true."

"I think what's happening is that there are a lot of feelings inside you about your mother leaving, feelings you didn't even know you had. And now you look down at Avery and you see yourself and everything comes bubbling back up. You were so little when it happened, you couldn't really distill all the information and emotions and I think you just hid them away in your head. But now it's all coming out. Part of you feels horrible for even thinking it because you and your mom have made peace with it all. You've talked, you've forgiven her, and you rarely think about it. So to now be struggling with it a little is making you feel guilty. You don't do well with guilt, and the heaviness of it reminds you of what happened in that diner. Every emotion and hurt that you've put away is creeping back out and you're channeling it into concern for Avery, rather than steps you need to take to care for yourself."

"But how do I stop it? How do I stop the nightmares and the panic that runs through me when I realize I haven't seen her for four hours. Even though I'm at work and she's with Adam and I know she's fine, I can't help feeling sick over it. I hate taking her to preschool and just leaving her there so most mornings I just sit in the parking lot the entire three hours because I'm so afraid something will happen."

"Have you thought about going back to see your counselor?"

"I'm not doing that."

"Lindsay."

"Look, this isn't depression. Her time needs to be spent with someone who really needs her."

"When are you going to stop putting everyone before yourself? You need help, Lindsay and you have a resource to get it."

"I know, I get that. I know that what I'm doing isn't healthy. But I feel like if I stop worrying then…" she trailed off, staring down at her hands.

"Then what, Linds."

"Then…"

"Then it will happen?"

"Yeah, and… if I stop worrying, maybe I don't love her enough."

At the confession she was expecting a soft "you know that's not true," or a short shake of the head or some other genteel, Southern assurance that she could never not love her daughter. What she got was very different.

"You know you love your daughter Lindsay. Everyone knows it, no one would ever question it. I know you're trained to put everything under a microscope, but stop doing it to yourself. You're only teaching Avery to be her own harshest critic and I know you don't want that for her. Stop questioning yourself because you know what the truth is. You're never going to be okay if you keep holding yourself back. You're a good mother, one of the best, and I don't understand why you always feel the need to question that. Knock it off. Stop being so blind and stubborn."

The words felt like pelting rain on her heart, but that was just as well. She wasn't above knowing she needed to hear them. She was being stubborn and she was being blind, and even if she couldn't stop the nightmares or the panic, she could stop her reactions to them. She could teach herself to slow down and not run the mental race of what ifs. And she needed to do that for Avery, and for the boys.

"Look," Jo started, a little softer as she parked the car across the street from the crime scene. "You are always going to struggle with these things, Linds. What it comes down to is how much power you give it. I know you, and I know that you refuse to become a doormat for anything. You're going to have to choose to stand up to this too."

"I know."

"Maybe that takes a while. Maybe everything won't be okay in the next two days, and maybe it means you have a rough time for a month or two. But as long as there's progress, you're okay."

"I don't want it to always be like this."

"It won't always be, Linds. You're going to be just fine. You're just going to have to work at it. And if there's anything I know about you it's that you don't give up."

"Thanks for believing in me because I sure don't."

"You will."

* * *

"An' today me an' daddy haved a dance party!" Avery said with a giggle, pouring fake tea into Lindsay's cup. "Twas most funny. Daddy can't dance."

"He can do the Macarena if you ask nicely."

"I'll 'member that next time. Thomas did not dance. Hers just sitted and watched us."

"Dancin's not your thing, huh Thomas?" Lindsay asked, ruffling the dogs ears. "That's okay, this family has been cursed with two left feet and the inability to accept that."

"Mama, you haved a good day at work?"

"It was a long day. I just wanted to come home to you."

Avery giggled and sat down, adjusting her hat and taking a sip from her empty cup.

"I like when you're home. I love bein' with daddy too, but you're my mama most. Oh! Ben haved a bad, bad day! Ben! C'mere an' tell mama 'bout your day!"

A few moments later Ben padded into the room, his head bowed slightly.

"What happened honey?"

"Well, 'member this morning when I haved no clean pants and I had to wear Cole's on account of you had not done the laundry?"

"Yes."

"And how I also have no underwear that was clean? And I had to wear sissy's?"

"Yes."

"I not like Ben wearin' my princesses," Avery grumped, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Well at recess we were playin' soccer," he started, while Adam and Colton edged into the doorway to hear the story Ben had refused to tell before. "And just as I was goin' for the goal, outta nowhere, my belt breaked. And my pants falled down. And everyone seen that I was wearin' girl underpants!"

"Oh Ben, I'm so sorry!"

"Some of the kids maked fun of me but Dunner, he just telled them alls fair on laundry day and if anyone had anything to say 'bout my underpants then they could tell him all about it. After that I managed to get my pants up, and my teacher put a safety pin in there to keep them up until it was time to go home. But mama, you really gotta do the laundry! I don't want another catastrophe!"

"I'll do the laundry as soon as our tea party is over, I promise. And I'll make sure to do your pants and underwear first."

"That's all I ask," he sighed, shaking his head. "And maybe it's time for me to get some new clothes too?"

"I think maybe you're right. Adam stop laughing."

"That's not nice daddy! Don't laugh at me!"

"Ben, I'm only laughing because it's so funny that your pants happened to fall down on the same day you were wearing girl underwear. I'm not laughing at you."

"Well you ain't laughin' with me on account of I'm not chucklin'."

"I just have one question," Colton started, holding back his own laughter. "Did you score a goal?"

"Yes I did but… it was into the wrong goal."

"Most bad stuffs happen to my Ben," Avery sighed, walking over to hug him. "Don't be sad Ben. I love you."

"Thanks for not laughin' at me, sissy."

"Okay, on account of Ben having a bad day and on account of me forgetting about the time, I think we should go out to dinner," Adam suggested, swinging Avery up into his arms and kissing her cheek. "What do you think about that kiddo?"

"No way! We will have to leave my precious Thomas!"

"Only for a little while sweetie. I'm sure she will enjoy some time to herself."

"Thomas, you'd be okay without me? Not upset? Okay daddy, Thomas will be good. Let's go!"

He put her down and the kids ran down the stairs to get their coats while Adam reached out for Lindsay's hand to help her up from the child sized folding chair. She took it but let go as soon as she was up, not lingering there as his words from last night seemed to linger in her mind. He frowned at her but she moved past him, heading for the door.

"Babe, come on," he whispered almost desperately. "Talk to me."

"I can't right now, okay?"

"Not about anything?"

She sighed and looked down at her hands, her wedding ring glittering in the light. Of course it would seem to be particularly shiny right at this moment.

Love, honor, and cherish.  
Sickness and health.  
Joy and sorrow.  
Anger and laughter.  
Growth and opposition.  
For all eternity.

"I just don't really know, Adam."

"That's okay."

"No it's not."

"Come here."

"I don't want to come there," she replied, a whisper of teasing in her voice.

"Then I'm coming over there," he decided, taking a step and wrapping her tightly in his arms. "Linds, I love you."

"I love you too."

"Even when you don't want to talk to me, I love you then too."

"Stop trying to make me feel guilty."

"I'm not honey. I promise. I just want to make things better."

"Then I need you to understand me and understand that I can't talk about things right now."

"Okay. But tonight after the kids are in bed we're talking about it."

"Alright."

He held her for just one moment longer then smiled and let her go, knowing that right now there was nothing he could do.


	280. Chapter 280

"Maybe it's time to think about talking to someone."

It had been three days since their last brief talk on the situation, and Lindsay had been very determined to avoid it altogether. She would busy herself with other things, go to sleep early, make sure that every time Adam tried to talk about it she found some way to change the conversation. They were both aware of what she was doing and the more she avoided, the more frustrated Adam became. Now as they lay quietly in bed, her pretending to be asleep, he found himself giving up and wanting to turn it over to someone else. There was no way he could help her if she wouldn't let him.

"I don't need to do that Adam."

"Well I can't help you then."

"I don't need help because nothing is wrong."

He sighed angrily, standing up from the bed and pulling his pillow with him.

"If you think what's going on is normal and healthy then fine, go for it. But I'm not going to be a part of it. You're on your own."

She sat up and watched him stalk out of the room, her stomach filling with dark dread as she realized how far her behavior had gotten. The nightmares were one thing, she couldn't really help that. But her near-obsession with the safety of the kids was becoming worse than she'd bargained for. She'd taken one sick day already to stay home with Avery just because she'd had a bad feeling, and the day she'd managed to go to work she'd come home early, taken her daughter in her arms and not let Avery out of her sight for hours. This wasn't just parental worry anymore, this was starting to affect their entire lives.

She got out of bed and went downstairs, where Adam was trying to get comfortable on the couch.

"I'm sorry," she stated bluntly. "I need you."

"Linds, what you're doing isn't healthy and I have to stand up for the kids. It's not right. If you want to keep doing this, that's your thing, but I can't support something that's so detrimental to our family. If you want to get better then I'm there and I'll support you, but if you refuse to do that, I can't help you."

She sat down on the other couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them, letting just a few tears fall. There was no way she could do anything without his support, one way or the other. And he was right, he was glaringly right with what he said about her struggle affecting the family. Ben especially was starting to read her, getting scared before he went to bed and worrying about things like car accidents and falling down the stairs. The knot in her stomach tightened as her mind fast forwarded through images of the kids, too cautious to ever really live.

"I need your help," she whispered finally. "But I'm scared and I don't know what to do."

"The first thing you need to do is let me back in and remember that I'm on your side."

"I know you are."

He sat up and moved to the end of the couch, reaching over to take her hand.

"Talk to me Linds."

"I'm sorry. I don't know why this is happening. I've never felt anxious like this before and I don't know what to do about it. I've never been anxious like this before. And I don't want to go to counseling. I don't."

"Why not?"

"Because when we start the adoption process they're going to look back at our histories and they're going to find that I've struggled within the last few years, and then we're not going to qualify. And it will be my fault."

"Let's cross that bridge if we come to it. Right now you have to do what's best. If that means we hold off on other things for a while, that's what it means."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I'm sorry I wasn't listening to you in the beginning, okay? Let's move on from here."

She nodded and he squeezed her hand tightly.

"Lindsay, are you going to go talk to someone?"

She sniffled and nodded her head slowly.

"Yes."

"Okay, good. Now what can we do tonight to help you?"

She shook her head and wiped at her tears until he came over to her side, pulling her into his arms warmly and stroking her hair back from her face.

"I don't know."

"I love you. I promise, I love you."

"I know."

"Can you tell me… Linds, how did this start?"

"It was after her birthday, right before Christmas. I was leaving for work and she was begging me not to go. "Mama don't leave me, mama I love you, mama I miss you, mama I need you." I had to walk out the door while she cried. I know now that it was because she was getting a cold and didn't feel well, but all day I couldn't get that out of my head. She wanted me and I walked away. Once I got home I tried to let it go. And maybe I did for a few days, but I just kept seeing myself in her. The things she said and things she did. I couldn't help it, I just felt like I was little again. Listening to my dad explain that my mom wasn't coming home for a while and she needed some time away. I didn't understand and I was angry and I felt like she'd left me. Not my brothers and not my dad, but me. She did it to hurt me or teach me a lesson. And I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail Avery. Like someday she's going to look back and be hurt by something I've done. That just snowballed into her being me and having to deal with everything the same way I did. I can't let go of that. I can't just trust that she'll be fine."

"You need to realize that Avery needs a mama who is present. Not one who is wrapped up in the past or worried about the future, but one who is there right now. That's what you need to learn to do Linds. You have to be there in the moment or you're going to miss everything and you will always see her under a veil of your own hurts. That's not fair."

"No, it's not."

"You are the best mama that I could have ever imagined for my kids. They are so lucky to have you. They know how much you love them and they know that you will always be here for them. I don't want you to always question if you're good enough because when you start questioning it is when things go bad. It's one thing to always want to be better, but it's another to think you're never good enough."

"I understand."

"What can I do right now to make tonight better?"

"Just hold me."

"That's all?"

"Yeah."

"You are the most frustrating, complicated, multi-faceted person I have ever known and I love the snot out of you. Know that?"

She chuckled and buried her face in his chest, wanting nothing but to hear those words over and over again. _You're a challenge but without you I can't live. You make me crazy but you're all I want. You always have one more piece of baggage to unload but I will always be there to help you carry it._

"I know. I'm trying to be better, I really am."

"I love you with everything I have in me. And I'm starting to get love handles, so I've got more in me than I used to."

"Oh yeah? You want to let me see those love handles? Or handle 'em?"

There was a twinkle in her eye and he smiled, pulling her off the couch. They'd conversed enough for now, the groundwork and they could set it aside for other things, without the worry that it would never be discussed again.

He took her hand and led her upstairs, shutting the bedroom door behind them.

* * *

"But I want to go too!" Ben hollered, throwing his arms up in the air dramatically. "I like coffee!"

Lindsay chuckled and leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"You hate coffee, Benjamin. I'll only be gone for an hour or two."

"But I want to see Austin! And she could bring Dunner and me and him could have coffee too!"

"Honey, you and Junior just had a sleepover last weekend, and we're having family dinner tomorrow so you can see him then too."

"I just like to do special things," he sighed, adjusting his glasses. "You and daddy always get to do special stuffs."

"I'm sorry. Why don't you go play with Avery and Thomas?"

"Sissy thinks I hate Thomas on account of I laughed when Thomas tripped on the steps yesterday. She won't let me in the room and she yells at me if I try to play with Thomas."

"Well why don't you play with Colton?"

"He's reading a book and then he is going to do homework and then his chores and then him and daddy are going to play chess."

"They why don't you do something with daddy until then?"

"Because daddy is trying to fix our clubhouse!" he wailed, rushing forward and clinging to her. "I'm a middle child!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lindsay asked, trying to keep from laughing.

"Means I get overlooked and leaved out! That's what Sarah says how she feels sometimes!"

"I'm sorry you feel that way honey. I would like to talk to you about it and make you feel better. Can you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"While I'm gone can you think about the ways you feel left out and how daddy and I can work to fix that? When I get home we'll all talk about it and come up with a solution."

"You'd do that for little old me?"

"Of course. Right now I have to go but as soon as I get home you have my undivided attention."

"Okay! I will make a list for you! See ya soon mama!"

"Go tell daddy that I left and that I love him."

"Will do! Be safe. You're my most prized possession after all."

"I'll be safe buddy. See you later."

She left the house and started to walk down the street, towards the little coffee shop that was halfway between her house and Austin's. They hadn't seen much of each other in the last few weeks, just a hurried hello while exchanging children or passing information on a case. It wasn't as if they were arguing or anything but it did feel like they were falling out of touch. The distance was affecting both of them and it wasn't until their well-meaning and observant husbands had given them no choice in the matter that they carved out some time for each other.

The bell on the door rang as she walked in, slowing her steps and enjoying the quietness of the small shop. Austin wasn't there yet so she ordered two melittas with vanilla and took a spot on the overstuffed couch, toeing her shoes off and settling in. After a moment she grabbed a book off the shelf next to her and started to read, getting through the first chapter before Austin showed, plopping down next to her with a grin.

"Sorry, Daniel had a little meltdown about not getting to do something fun. He said he could come and you could have brought his Binyin and they could have had cocoa while we had coffee."

"Ben said the exact same thing but he said coffee not cocoa."

"I love those boys."

"Me too."

"How are you doing, Lin?"

"I'm alright. A little mixed up but not too bad. You?"

"About the same," Austin sighed, tracing her finger around the top of her coffee cup.

"Something going on?"

"I don't know. Just feel kind of off lately. Need a vacation or something."

"Sounds like it. We can take the kids if you want to escape for a while. They're getting easier to handle in mass quantities."

Austin chuckled and nodded.

"Maybe we'll take you up on that. I bet there's somewhere we could go that wouldn't be ridiculously expensive."

"You definitely need to get out," Lindsay mused. "I can see it in your eyes. You're restless and headed for crazy."

"I need that on a t-shirt. But you're right. I'll talk to Danny, see if he can get some time off too. You really don't mind taking the kids?"

"Have I ever minded?"

"Okay. Now, what's up with you, Anxiety Annie?"

"I'm getting better," Lindsay sighed, looking down into the half-finished coffee and avoiding her best friends' eyes. "Adam and I have talked a lot the last few days and the nightmares have slowed a little."

"But?"

"But I think I need to go to counseling, even if it's just once or twice. I need to unload."

"Lin, you can always unload to me," Austin whispered, squeezing her hand. "I wish you would."

"I know. But this time I just feel like I need someone non-biased. And I don't like putting so much on you. It's not fair."

"Lin, I'm your best friend. It's what I'm here for."

"I know that."

"I don't want you to be relying on a stranger if I can help you."

"I understand that, but this time is different and I need to go about it differently than I have before. It's not that I don't trust you or that I don't want to tell you things, I promise."

"I guess I just miss you. We hardly ever see each other anymore and it kind of feels like we're not what we used to be."

"Maybe we should both use that get out of town free card."

"Think the guys would be up for doing dad duty for a few days?"

"I bet. We could take the girls and spend a few nights in Boston or Philly or something."

"They would love that. Let's do it over spring break. Can you get the time off?"

"Yeah, we'll just pick a definite date and I'll make sure that's when my weekend falls."

Austin nodded, her smile growing larger the more she thought about escaping the city.

"Think you can pry Avery away from Thomas for two nights?"

"I'll work on it. She will more than likely tell me that Thomas is a girl and should go with us and not have to stay with smelly boys."

"It's crazy how much she loves that dog."

"I know. Last night I called her down for dinner and she said she couldn't eat because she was playing with Thomas. She never ended up having dinner and fell asleep with Thomas in the dog bed."

"Remember when she was born and she was so quiet and sweet and now she's kind of insane."

"Maybe but we like her that way."

"She's the perfect last piece to our weird little family."

"That she is," Lindsay agreed softly, her gaze sliding out the window as she sighed.

"Lin?"

"Sorry. I just miss her a little."

"You just saw her before you left the house right?"

"Yeah. I know it sounds silly but I really do miss her when I'm not with her. I wonder what she's doing and what I'm missing and I think that's normal but I shouldn't be getting sad when I can't be with her. That's not okay and that's what I need to fix. Part of it at least."

"You're going to be okay Lin."

"I know."

"For now, want to go shopping? I actually clipped coupons."

"Oh, this I can't wait to see."

* * *

"Mama, tell me 'bout when you was little," Avery requested, rolling up on her tip-toes to see what was cooking on the stove.

"When I was little? What do you want to know?"

"You live on the farm in Montana. With papa and granna. Um, you was a nice girl?"

"I had my moments but I think I was."

"You liked to play?"

"I loved to play. Outside, all day long. That was my favorite. But when it was too cold I liked to play inside with my brothers."

"Oh, what your brothers an' you play?"

"Lots of things. We liked to do treasure hunts a lot and we would play games where we tried to scare each other."

"Sounds most fun," Avery grinned, reaching her arms up. "I wanna see our dinner."

Lindsay lifted her up so she could look down at the soup on the stove.

"Hmm, looks yummy. Mama, you is a great cooker."

"Thanks baby."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"So most?"

"So, so most."

"Oh good! I love my Thomas so, so most. Hers the bestest."

"Speaking of Thomas, where is she?"

"Takin' a nap. I not wanted to bother her. She had a long day."

"Oh she did?"

"Mm-hmm. We played in the yard for very long an' she runned and runned. I chase her but she gots too much energy. I haved to sit."

"Sounds like you had fun."

"Yep!"

"What else did you do while I was gone?"

"Well, I haved a fit. I was so sorry to daddy. Got sended to my bedroom for most long time. An' Ben gotta play with Thomas when I was in trouble. I did not like that."

"That's too bad. Maybe it will help you to remember not to have fits though."

"I do my best, mama. Promise."

"I know you try."

"I put plates on the table? I will help you mama. I put on plates and forks!"

"How about bowls and spoons."

"Oh for soup!" Avery laughed, slapping her hand against her forehead. "Silly me."

"Hey baby how would you like to go on a trip with me?"

"Me an' you to Montana 'gain?"

"Nope. You and me are going to Boston with Austin and Isa and Sarah."

"Oh boy!" Avery laughed happily. "It will be most, most fun! When?"

"Not for a while, but tomorrow you and I can make a count down so we'll know when it's getting close."

"Okay! Could Thomas come too? I don't wanna leave her with all the boys!"

"I thought you might say that. We'll see if we can figure it out, okay?"

"Okay! I am most excited!"

"Me too."

Avery grinned and hugged her tightly, absolutely delighted at the prospect of spending the weekend like a big girl. She loved her brothers very much and she would rather play with them than do almost anything else in the world. But she was the baby of the family and they always treated her as such. With Sarah, she never felt like a baby, though maybe slightly coddled. Isa never made her feel coddled or like a baby at all. Isa made her feel important and wanted. It would be nice to feel that way for a while. By the time they came back home, she would probably be missing her brothers so much that she wouldn't mind being held like a baby and told she was precious.

"Mama, I gotta tell Thomas! Be right back!"

She sped out of the room just as Adam came in, having to step out of her way to avoid a collision.

"Looks like someone's happy," he commented, chuckling as he watched her run up the stairs.

"Yeah, but really, does it take much to thrill her?"

"Not usually."

"You're really okay with being left here to take care of the boys?"

"Babe, you're asking me if I am okay with being the dad. I think I have established that I am more than okay with it."

"I know that, I just feel like I get to take a trip and you don't and it's kind of not fair."

"I already decided to take those days off too. The boys and I are going to hit every arcade in town, see some movies, build blanket forts and eat junk. It will be a vacation for us too."

"Alright."

"And hopefully we will be having these adventures from a Jeep, not a Camry?"

She grinned and nodded. Having given up his Jeep years ago for a more economical car, he'd been hoping to someday do another trade in. They were planning to go car shopping soon and hopefully they could find a fair trade-in. Lindsay had always felt bad that he had given up a car he loved so much, but it had been all his own doing and she hadn't been able to talk him out of it. He'd always wanted what was best for his family, even if it wasn't something that was easy for him.

"We'll go next weekend. Maybe we can find you something in neon orange."

"You're funny."

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his waist, leaning into his chest and sighing deeply.

"I made an appointment with Emily for Wednesday morning when Avery's at preschool."

"Good. Is that what you want?"

"Yes."

"Nervous?"

"No, not really. I guess I just figured I would never need this again. Not that it's anything to be ashamed of, but I thought I had learned enough that I could fix myself."

"I love you but sometimes you're very naïve."

"Oh hush."

He smiled and dropped a kiss into her hair, then took her hand and spun her gently away from him, then back again.

"I'm proud of you honey. And I know you'll work to make this better and soon things will be okay again."

"I'll do my best."

"You always do. Dance with me, hmm?"

She nodded and relaxed into the simple steps, letting her mind take a breather and remind her that everyone was here, safe in the warmth of home.


	281. Chapter 281

A/N: I am sorry this story is so long. I never meant for this to happen...

* * *

The room was quiet and Lindsay let her gaze move from her hands to the wall to the floor to the clock and then out the window before she sighed and picked up the sentence where she'd left off.

"Is there something wrong with me?"

"No."

She let out a sigh of relief and sat up a little straighter, sure that she would get some answers and help now.

"Lindsay, there is nothing wrong with _you,_" Emily reiterated, giving her a pointed look. "But there is something wrong with what is happening."

"Is it part of the depression I've suffered before?"

"I can't say definitively just from what you've told me, but I can say that this isn't something that I think will last. It's something you're going through, and you're going to get to the end of it."

"Okay."

"Right this minute, are you worried about Avery?"

"Yes."

"And what is it that worries you?"

"She's not with me and I'm afraid that something will happen to her. I know she's safe but all I can think about is that we always think we're safe."

"What does it take for you to leave her somewhere without you?"

"I have to start convincing myself well before I leave her. I have to think about how much she needs to have her own time, how statistically improbable it is that anything would happen. I have to remind myself of all the safety precautions her school has, all the things we've taught her. It's like I have to convince myself every time. And then when I drop her off I hug her and kiss her goodbye and then I get in the car and I cry because I don't know what else to do."

"How many times have you sat in the parking lot until school was over?"

"Every time I've taken her, except for today."

"How many times have you slept in her bed, before or after nightmares?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't in the last week though. Adam told me I can check on her but I can't stay down there."

"How often do the worrisome thoughts pop into your head at work?"

"Not all that often. If I'm busy I can stay on track and I don't think about much, but if I'm just doing mindless tasks I start to worry."

"Why do you suspect you don't worry about the boys?"

"I think a lot of it is just because of the bond I have with Avery. A mother-daughter relationship is special, and I think it's because I see so much of myself in her that I worry she'll have the same problems and experiences I've had. I don't worry about that with the boys because they're so much like Adam, and I know they won't go through what he did. It doesn't make sense really but I think that's most of the reason."

"Are you afraid of Avery experiencing the same tragedy you did, or just her safety in general?"

"Mostly just in general. It's normal worries like her choking on food or falling down the stairs or suddenly getting a horrible disease. I don't want to think about these things but I do and I can't let them go. Finally I tire myself out and fall asleep, but then there's the nightmares."

"It's becoming a cycle isn't it? You manage to get through the day and then you have nightmares, and that just fuels your worry during the next day. I am sensing that you feel like there's no way out."

"Sometimes I think that, yeah. It's like I'm running on this treadmill and I know there's a way to stop it, I just don't know what that is."

"When you think about everything being okay again, what do you picture?"

"I see sleeping through the night and going about life like a normal person. I see the kids happy and playful and not worried about anything. I see Adam not watching me out of the corner of his eye all the time wondering if I'm okay. I want Avery to have a full life and I don't want to hold her back from experiences because I was scared of what might happen in a one in a million shot. I don't want her to be scared of life. Caution and knowledge are good, but I would hate it if she never did anything because she was worried."

"Does she seem scared of things right now?"

"Normal kid stuff, but no, nothing excessive. We always say that life isn't big enough for Avery. She can't get enough of living or something. But she copies a lot of what I do and I don't want her to suddenly start copying my bad habits and thoughts too."

"You want to be better for her. Better than your mother was for you?"

"Yeah."

"We always want more for our kids than what we had. Even if our childhoods were perfect, we want our kids to have it even better. There's nothing wrong with wanting that."

"I know. I just have to get to the point where I remember that what I want for my kids has little to do with what I had. It's like my life has been one fluid thing, every event has flowed into another, but I can't let everything in the past dictate what I do now."

"You can learn from it, but you can't control what you have left to learn."

"Yeah."

"Lindsay, we're going to get there. Everything that you're imagining that you want, we're going to work to get that for you. You don't have to worry that this doesn't have an end, because it does. You may not be at peace, but you are mentally sound and fit for duty as it were. It might take some work but we're going to figure it out together, and hopefully soon, you won't need to be here anymore. I need you to commit to this. Are you going to see it out to the end?"

"Yes."

"Alright. Let's get started."

* * *

"Hey daddy! When we're shoppin' for this car, do we gotta put it in a shoppin' cart?" Ben asked, leaning forward as much as he could. Colton rolled his eyes but chuckled at the question while Avery roared with laughter.

"Yeah we do. I'll need you to push the cart so I can check out all the other cars, okay?"

"Okay daddy. I will push that cart for ya, but if we get on a hill and it takes me away and I hold on with one hand and fly in the air like a kite, remember to take a picture. I got show and tell next week."

"Hey Ben?"

"Yeah Cole?"

"You're really weird."

"I know. Hey mama, don't you think it would be funny if I was in the air like a kite?"

"I think it would be hilarious. We could take a video and it would become viral and then you would be famous and they would give you a name like "Ben the Kite Boy" and we would all go on talk shows and then we would be rich!"

Ben sat back in his seat and laughed, trying to come up with some other fantastic thing to add to the story.

"And then when we was rich, we could shop for lots of cars. And I would buy sissy a pink motorcycle what had a sidecar for Thomas!"

"What would you buy me, Ben?" Colton asked, suddenly interested in what his little brother would come up with.

"A submarine! I think it would be a place where you could go and be quiet while sissy and me were wild. You could get away from it all. Plus you could drive it places, like to Hawaii or Nebraska!"

"Sometime I would take you with me and we could go on a trip like Cory and Eric did on _Boy Meets World_."

"Could we go see the biggest yarn ball in the universe?"

"Sure!"

"I wanna go too!" Avery shouted, pounding on the armrest of her carseat.

"Okay Aves, you can come sometime and we'll go to Australia."

"I love kangaroos!" she confirmed with a nod. "This is so silly."

"Hey kids, not to be a downer, but we need to go over some rules before we get to the car lot okay?"

All three kids sighed and looked at each other knowingly. Having rules before they got somewhere always meant there was going to be a lot of temptation to break those rules and the high possibility of at least one of them ending up with a punishment.

"You need to stay close," Lindsay started, glancing back to make sure the kids were listening.

"Inside voices, even if we're outside," Adam added.

"No running."

"No whining."

"Remember that the cars are not a playground."

"Benjamin and Averylin, if we put Colton in charge, you two need to listen to him, okay?"

"Okay daddy," they all chorused, Avery a little louder than the other two just because she wasn't sure how to be quiet.

"You can go back to your silliness now."

They erupted back into chatter and Adam glanced over at Lindsay, enjoying the amused smile that was playing on her lips. It had been so long since he'd seen it come easily like this and he left his eyes off the road for a second longer than was safe, just to look at her.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too. Thanks for being there."

"I wouldn't go anywhere else. You look good today honey. You slept all night."

"Yeah, no nightmares. It's a nice change."

He nodded, having slept better as well with her by his side all night. He could let go of some of the worry now, which meant he was better able to help her gently rather than confrontationally as before.

"Is this the place where we're gettin' a new car?" Ben asked after a while. "I never really looked at a car store before! How'd they get those cars inside the place? Did they have to drive 'em in a window? That is hilarious!"

"They probably have garage doors in the back, Ben," Colton reasoned. "Or maybe they take the roof off and drop them in with a crane."

"Now that would be ridiculous Cole."

"Well of course it would!"

"Lookit that thing!" Avery shouted, pointing at the string of balloons that ran from the roof high into the sky. "Want that in my room!"

"It would make our house float away, sissy. Like in that movie."

"Oh no, I not want that now. Daddy, you buy that car there! It's pretty!"

"Sorry sweetie, I don't look good in gold."

"Everyone looks good in gold daddy. For it's the color of rich."

Lindsay snickered and then tried to cover it up, throwing her hand over her mouth and closing her eyes, laughing silently at Ben's proclamation.

"What? Mama why are you laughin' at me?"

"Because you crack me up."

"I'm not even tryin'! I'm just bein' plain ol' Ben! Am I really that funny? Maybe I should be a clown!"

"We could call you Bozo," Colton laughed.

"No thanks, I think I will be Ronald McDon- hey daddy could we have McDonalds French fries for lunch?"

"We'll see, buddy. If we buy a new car we might not be able to afford French fries."

"Oh dag-nabbit."

"A playground!" Avery hollered while Adam parked the car. "We could play?"

"We'll see, honey."

"I love slides so very most. Ben, you go on it with me?"

"If mama and daddy say okay then I will! We could go in a train but don't slide down a'fore me or I might cry."

"Oh, okay Ben. I not do that. An' swings! Oh Thomas loves swings! Her likes the baby swing an' I push her gentle on it!"

"Sissy, you really put Thomas in the baby swings?"

"Yep. I done it an' me an' daddy laughed and laughed again! Thomas was so happy, hers smiled a lot. Hers can't laugh, just bark."

"Wouldn't it be funny if she could laugh? What do you think it would sound like?"

"Hmm, I not sure," she answered contemplatively, tapping her chin while Adam unbuckled her from her seat. "I think 'bout it."

"Mama, could I take the kids to play on that playground?" Colton asked. "It's all fenced in."

"Maybe after we find someone to talk to about a car."

"Alright. Aves, hold my hand so we don't get separated."

"Okay. Daddy needs a pink car. Or orange!"

"Let's just see what's available, okay?"

Avery nodded and trotted along next to Colton as they made their way into the building. She could feel herself getting bored already, her hand twitched as she longed to reach out and touch one of the shiny cars, a good indication that she was going to need some form of entertainment, and fast.

She spied the candy dish almost immediately and ran for it, digging her hand in with gusto and coming up with a dozen Skittles. Her eyes widened in happiness and the candy was almost all the way to her mouth when she couldn't move it anymore. Looking up she saw Lindsay, who seemed slightly upset about something.

"Averylin."

"Oh. Lookit mama, I gots candies!"

"Did someone tell you that you could have those?"

"Well… no, but they's free!"

"Avery, you can't just grab things even if they're sitting out. Throw them in that garbage can."

"But mama!"

"You heard me."

"Oh fine. I could spin in a chair like Ben?"

Lindsay whipped around at the same time that Adam noticed the boys and rushed to them, pulling Colton away from the chair and catching Ben just before he fell out of it.

"What are you two doing?"

"Daddy, you can't expect us to see a spinny chair and not spin in it!" Colton defended, trying to appeal to his fathers' childish side.

"Wow, everything is movin'!" Ben exclaimed. "Looks like the world is spinnin' and I'm not!"

"Boys, you can't do things like that when… and… maybe we should send you to that playground," Adam sighed, running his hands through his hair as a salesman approached. "Go ahead and go outside but stick together and only play on the playground."

"Okay! Come on guys!"

Ben and Avery were happy to grab Colton's hands and run outside the office to the playground which seemed to exist solely for the entertainment of children who unfortunately had to accompany their parents to the car dealer.

"Let's play pirates! Sissy you can be the captain."

"Arr! Walk that plate!"

"It's called a plank, my captain."

"Yes, the plate. Walk on it."

She pointed up at the top of the monkey bars, clearly insistent that Ben walk across them. He balked at her directions, shaking his head slowly.

"Um, I think it is Cole's turn to be the captain!"

"No! I am! I is the captain Ben. Walk the plate!"

"Well… then… show me how!"

Avery nodded and climbed up the play structure, her tongue sticking determinedly out of her mouth as she tried to figure out how to go about this. Finally she jumped and grabbed the first rung, swinging there for a moment, deciding that she needed to get her legs around the next rung so she could pull herself up. The boys watched with bated breath as she swung back and forth, gaining momentum until she could toss her legs up over the other rung. It took a few tries but she finally managed to do it, then hung there for a while, figuring out her next move.

"I don't think you can do this, sissy."

"I can Ben! Watch!"

But almost as soon as the words were out of her mouth she lost her hold and slipped, hanging by her legs for a moment before falling straight to the ground. She lay there motionless as the boys rushed over in a panic.

"Breathe sissy, breathe!" Ben shrieked, shaking her shoulder.

"I think she just got the wind knocked out of her," Colton reassured, helping her to sit up. "She fell right on her back and whoosh!"

Avery sat up dizzily and sucked in a huge breath, her eyes going wide at the lingering pain from the fall.

"You alright Aves?"

"No!" she wailed, bursting into noisy tears. Ben hugged her tightly and kissed her cheeks while Colton tried to shush her. He didn't want anyone to think he wasn't capable of keeping the kids safe.

"Aves, it's okay. Don't cry! You're not hurt, just scared. Me and Ben will hug you and you'll feel better okay?"

"I want mama!"

"No Aves, we can't bother them. Come on, we'll go down the slide together okay?"

She wiped her eyes and nodded, allowing him to pull her across the playground to the slide. It took her a little while to get her bearings back but soon she was happy again, running around laughing while Colton chased her.

"Hey look at me, I done it!" Ben shouted from his spot atop the monkey bars. "I'm the king of the world!"

"Ben! Get down from there! You're going to crack your head open!"

"It's okay, I got balance. Now I will walk the plank!"

He started towards the end of the monkey bars carefully, jumping off the end when he finally reached it.

"There! Now don't tell mama and daddy that I did that. They will freak."

Avery giggled and gave him a thumbs up.

"That was scary of you Ben. I wanna tell Thomas an' Sarah!"

"Okay! I will tell Dunner when we get home. He will think I am radical!"

Colton sighed and shook his head, suddenly feeling a little more grown up than he was supposed to be.

"Hey Cole, look at this! There's a bunch of worms and junk under this rock! Come help me lift it."

Colton rushed to the edge of the playground and helped Ben lift the rock up so they could inspect the treasures below.

"Wow look how big that worm is Cole! I bet it's a mile long!"

"Not that long Ben but it is pretty big."

"I like that rollie-pollie bug what's all rolled up! Those things are neat. If I was a bug, that is what kind I would be. No one wants to die those kind."

"That one over there is an earwig. They are disgusting. Mama hates them a lot."

"She does?"

"Yep. She hates them more than daddy hates spiders."

"Oh wow that's a lot of hatin'! Daddy is so scared of spiders. Last time he pushed me into the bathroom to kill one what was in there. I cried and then sissy picked it up and threw it in the toilet. Without no paper or gloves or nothin'. Just picked it right up like a champ."

"Aves is weird. How many ants you think are living here Ben?"

"A bazillion maybe? Look that one is red!"

"Don't touch it, those things sting and bite. Daddy told me that one time when he was a kid he was somewhere and he stepped on an ant hill and it had red ants in it and his foot got all bit."

"That's gross! I wonder if they leaved teeth marks."

Colton laughed.

"That would be so funny to see ants with big old chompers! I wonder if ants have dentists."

"Cole, even I know that would be weird. Did daddy have to go to the hospital when he got bited?"

"Nah, he said that Gigi took care of it at home but it was really stingy and it left a scar in one spot."

"That's quite a story. I wonder why he never telled me 'bout it!"

"I dunno. I bet daddy's told you lots of stories that he hasn't told me."

"Maybe so. He telled me that one time he hided under the table because he didn't want to eat his tomato soup and he wanted to run away but Gigi finded him and said she would be heartbroken if he left her and then he got a cookie."

"That's what mama would say to me and you too, if we were hiding under the table."

"Yeah, we got a mama what loves us a lot. And she even loves sissy, though sissy is kinda gross a lot."

"I caught her eating boogers yesterday. It was so gross I almost threw up. I made her brush her teeth."

"That is so sick! Hey sissy! Wait… Cole where's sissy?"

Colton looked up from the dirt and scanned the small playground, panic rising in his chest. He'd lost his baby sister.

"Aves! AVERY!" he shouted, standing up and running to the gate, hoping she hadn't wandered far. "Averylin come out right now!"

"Sissy! Sissy! Where are you?"

Avery hadn't gotten that far after all, but she was basically inaccessible. Happily, she had climbed into one of the cars on the lot and locked herself in, and was now sitting in the front seat, singing and pretending to drive. She waved at the boys as they pulled on the door and tried to get in, both of them getting more and more upset.

"Cole, I think we need to get mama and daddy."

"No we don't," Colton sighed. "Here they come."

"Averylin Grace, what are you doing?" Lindsay asked while the salesman fumbled with his keys and tried to open the door.

"Hi mama! I go on 'cation!"

The door was finally opened and she slid out of the seat, unaware that she had done something wrong.

"I drived to a ocean! Pretended Thomas was a'side me! We haved such fun."

"What do you think you were doing getting in a car like that?"

"But mama-"

"You know better than that, Averylin."

"I was just-"

"When we get home you are going straight to your room."

"Mama it was my fault!" Colton said, stepping in between them. "I wasn't watching like I was supposed to! Don't be mad at Aves!"

"Yeah mama, we don't wanna see sissy cry! And Cole was teachin' me 'bout red ants, so he couldn't 'zactly watch sissy super close."

"Boys, I know you want to stick up for your sister but she is four years old and that is old enough for her to know that if daddy tells her to stay on the playground, that's what she should do."

Avery's bottom lip quivered in shame and fear. She'd had her fair share of consequences, but it had been a long time since she'd needed a punishment and she didn't like the way it made her feel at all.

"I so most sorry mama."

"I know you are. Let's go sit in the car we actually own until daddy finishes up."

The kids followed along behind her and climbed into their seats unhappily. None of them liked disappointing their mama so much and they sat silently, exchanging looks with each other, wondering how to make this up to her.

"Are you getting a car daddy?" Ben asked hesitantly once Adam joined them.

"Not today. We'll have to come back sometime later."

"Is it because of us?"

Adam was quiet and they all knew the answer before he said anything.

"I think that mama and I should have gone alone."

"I'm sorry daddy. For spinnin' in the chair and for not bein' a good example to sissy."

"Me too daddy, I'm sorry for the same things."

"And me daddy! Sorry I goed for a drive!" Avery added with a sniffle.

"I think we need to have a little review of the family rules when we get home."

"We're all real sorry daddy. Do you forgive us?"

"Of course I forgive you, but that doesn't mean we're not going to talk about it."

"But what about your car?"

"Mama and I will go back later."

Disappointment ran heavy as they made their way back home, no one saying very much. The kids had the sinking feeling that this family meeting wasn't going to be very fun, and Adam and Lindsay were both wondering how they had let so much coldness creep into their voices. The kids were just being kids, and while their actions had been wrong, it wasn't like they had set out to sabotage the day. It felt like they had all failed a little bit.

* * *

"Thomas! Thomas, here girl!" Avery shouted, standing on the back porch. "It's time for bed! Here girl!"

Thomas came running out of the bushes in the back, giving a happy bark as she trotted up the steps and was scooped clumsily into Avery's arms.

"That's my girl. Let's go upstairs and go to sleep."

The door slammed behind her and she struggled into the house, holding the dog as best she could.

"Averylin, it's bedtime."

"I'm comin' mama! Just had to get Thomas. She was playin' outside still!"

"Maybe you should put her down so you can get up the stairs."

Avery nodded and plopped Thomas on the floor, then ran up the steps to her room. Thomas hesitated, putting one paw on the bottom step and whimpering. She hated the stairs and did everything she could to avoid them, as slipping off of them one too many times had started to take its toll.

"Thomas, come upstairs," Lindsay coached, patting the floor.

"Yeah Thomas, c'mere! We cleaned my bed today, it's nice and warm and snuggly!"

Thomas made her way carefully halfway up the steps, then stopped, looking up at them pleadingly.

"Okay, I'll come get you," Lindsay relented. "Big chicken dog."

Avery chuckled and ran ahead into her room, pulling the blankets back and climbing in.

"Chicken dog, that's funny mama. Thomas are you a chicken dog? Hers said yes mama, she is a chicken dog. Snuggle her down a'side me!"

Lindsay smiled and put the dog in the bed, then stretched out next to Avery, yawning and rubbing her eyes.

"Mama?"

"Yes baby?"

"I so most sorry 'bout today."

"I know. Daddy and I both forgive you and it's all over. We don't need to discuss it anymore."

"I feel sad."

"Why?"

"Dunno. You love me?"

"So much, Averylin Grace. You have no idea."

"Okay. Um, when you is mad, you not love us?"

"Sweetheart, I love you all the time. Every single second of every single day from the moment I knew about you until the end of time. I will never, ever stop loving you, no matter what you do."

"Well… hmm."

"That doesn't mean I want you to get into trouble. I still want you to be a good girl, but I will love you even when you make mistakes."

"Okay mama. I love you if you make mistakes too!"

"Do I make mistakes?"

"Uh-huh. No sugar on my cereal for breakfast! Big mistake. I still love you."

"You are the best little girl I could have ever asked for to be my daughter."

"I am?"

"Absolutely."

"Oh mama, I love you so, so, so most! Big as the ocean!"

"Right back at you kiddo. Sleep good and I'll see you in the morning."

Avery nodded and snuggled down into her blankets, one arm thrown around Thomas as she closed her eyes and let sleep take her. Lindsay crept across the hall to the boys room where Adam was finishing tucking them in and they were all laughing about something.

"What's so funny?"

"It's a boy thing, mama," Colton chuckled. "You would think it was gross."

"I tooted real loud," Ben explained. "It scared daddy, he thinked there was a animal in here."

"That is gross."

"Then we laughed and could not stop. Didja come to kiss us goodnight?"

"Yes I did but I don't know if I want to anymore."

"Why not? Are you afraid I will let out another one?"

The boys erupted into more laughter and Lindsay rolled her eyes, leaning down to kiss them quickly.

"I'll see you weirdos in the morning. Don't stay up too late talking okay?"

"Okay mama."

Adam bid them goodnight too and they left the room, closing the door behind them.

"So."

"So."

"How'd your appointment go?" he asked, taking her hand and pulling her upstairs.

"It was fine. I'm okay."

"Just okay?"

She sighed and climbed onto the bed, pulling a pillow under her head and lying there quietly for a few moments.

"She said it's normal and what's happened to me in the past makes it a lot harder to deal with, but it's not something that's going to take over our lives."

"Did she give you homework?"

"Yeah. I can't check on the kids in the middle of the night for a week."

"Not at all?"

"Well I can send you to do it, but she wants me to write down what scares me and why I feel like I need to check on them, instead of actually going down there."

"That might help."

"It's worth a try," she admitted, closing her eyes while he ran his fingers through her hair. "I just want it to get better, even if it's not easy."

"It's never easy when it's worth it."

"You keep saying that. Is that your way of telling me I'm difficult?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry. I tried to be difficult before you fell in love with me so you would know what you were getting into."

"I don't think it would have changed anything."

"Good, because I think I am going to get more difficult as I get older."

"Are you testing me?"

"Yeah."

"I love you babe."

"I love you too."

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Not really. You?"

"Nah, I think I'm good for now. Ready to go to sleep?"

"Yeah. I'm tired."

He nodded and pulled the blankets up over them reaching out for her hand and smiling.

"What?"

"Sometimes I just think about the fact that there was a time when we were just friends and there were no kids or bills or arguments or anything and I wonder what took us so long to get here. I wish we would have started day one."

"I think we kind of did."

"Maybe so. Goodnight babe. Sleep good."

"I think I will."


	282. Chapter 282

"Daddy? Daddy I can't sleep."

Adam cracked his eyes open and found Ben standing beside the bed, his hair sticking up and his hands clasped in front of him.

"What?"

"I can't sleep. I'm distressed."

"Buddy, can't you just go back downstairs and try?"

"I been tryin'!" Ben whined. "I just need to talk to you!"

"Alright, okay, we'll go downstairs."

He moved to get up and Lindsay grunted unhappily in her sleep.

"I'll be back in a while babe. Go to sleep."

She sighed and rolled over and Adam stood up, taking Ben by the hand and leading him downstairs to the living room.

"Alright buddy, want to tell me what's going on?"

"You know how Dumbledore said that one thing 'bout feelin' loves keen sting?"

"Yes."

"Well, today I feeled it."

"What happened?"

"There is this girl in Dunner's class. She is very beautiful and smart and funny. Her name is Charlotte and I really have a crush on her. And she liked me too. And we decided that we would have our desserts together under the slide at lunch recess. But she never showed up. I waited and waited and I looked for her and she never showed up to eat dessert with me. And I just feel real bad about myself and I can't sleep. I want to know what I did wrong."

"Maybe she was at home sick today."

"Nah, Dunner said she was in class."

"Well maybe she forgot."

"Maybe. But daddy my heart still hurts even if all that stuff did happen!"

"I'm sorry buddy."

"I really liked her. She's just so nice. She likes dinosaurs like I do and she told me all about a book that her and her daddy are reading together. She's so sweet. Like candy and stuff. And sometimes when she smiles at me, I get a funny feeling in my tummy and I just want to hug her."

"You've got it bad buddy."

"What's that mean?"

"It means you're twitterpated."

"Oh! Yep, I think so. I tried to talk to Dunner 'bout this and he just said he doesn't like girls yet and let's talk about baseball instead."

"Well that's not very helpful."

"I don't know what to do daddy! Should I be mad or sad? What if she doesn't like me at all? Or what if she likes someone else? I'm so confused."

"Buddy, first of all, you don't have to feel any certain way. However you feel is fine. I think that you should give her the benefit of the doubt though, and assume something else came up and she couldn't make it to eat dessert with you. You can talk to her about it later and make sure everything is okay."

"But what if it's not? What if she doesn't like me?"

"Just because she doesn't like you doesn't mean things aren't okay. It just means she's not the girl for you."

"But she is daddy! She very much is! I know it deep in my heart and soul."

"How do you know?"

"Because of the feelin' I get when I talk to her. Like everything is happy, you know? The same way you get when you're with mama."

Adam sighed and tossed his feet up on the coffee table, figuring this was going to be a long night with his middle child.

"Daddy, I will tell you a secret. I like girls. A lot. I like how they are different than boys. I like that they play different things and like different things. I like how they look with their long hair and pretty eyes. I like being friends with boys but I like being friends with girls too. There is something beautiful about them. And it's not just on the outside like just how they look you know? I like girls what look all different ways. Even there is one girl what gets made fun of because the other kids say she's fat but know what? She's beautiful. Because she's a woman. And all womens are beautiful. Don't you think so daddy? I mean, I know mama is the most beautiful to you, but don't you think every lady is beautiful?"

"Of course I do."

Ben nodded and scratched his ear.

"I just don't want Charlotte to not like me even for her friend. I really think I love her. And maybe I don't because I am too little to really know what love means, but I love her with a lot of my heart."

"I don't think you're too young to love someone buddy, but you are too young to go getting married."

"Oh daddy I won't get married soon. I don't want to leave mama. It would break her heart because me and her are special sweethearts you know. Kindred spirits, that's what Austin calls it."

"Well good, I don't really want you to get married and move away yet either."

"Daddy, how did you know mama was the lady for you? Out of all the other womens in the world, how did you know that she was the one you were going to marry and love forever and ever?"

"There were a lot of things," Adam started with a sigh. "The biggest thing was that she was the best person I've ever known and I wanted to be with her all the time because she made me a better person. I loved everything about her, even the bad stuff. I still love all that. I love everything that she is."

"Know my favorite thing about Charlotte? She laughs a lot. She is always smiling and happy. And when she laughs it sounds like there's little birds in her throat and I don't even care that she probably gots girl germs."

"Want to have a cup of cocoa and tell me more about this girl?"

"Yeah daddy, I would. Could I tell you all I think about stuff?"

"I'd love to hear it, son."

* * *

Ben didn't stop chattering about love, girls, dinosaurs, and the world in general until the sun came up. Several times Adam had convinced him to try sleeping on the couch, but it only lasted a minute or two before Ben would think of something else he wanted to discuss. Adam didn't mind too much; he was glad Ben was so open with him about his feelings, but it made for an exhausting morning.

"I am going to go take a shower now, and wake up Cole and sissy for school. Oh boy, I'm sure tired."

He started his climb up the stairs while Adam got the coffee out of the fridge and filled the machine with water.

"You never came back to bed," came a scratchy voice from behind him. He turned to find Lindsay wearing her bathrobe and a smirk.

"Sorry. You gave birth to a chatterbox."

"Why didn't you just put him back to bed?"

Adam shrugged and started the coffee.

"I figured it was one of those times an exception could be made."

"You're a good daddy."

"Thanks."

"How's our kiddo doing?"

"He told me more about life and love in six hours than I have ever learned in my life. Did you know that when you love someone you give them a little of your heart and you can't get it back because they put it into their heart, but if you really love them it doesn't matter that you don't have that part anymore?"

"I suspected, but I didn't really know it."

"And did you know that until you have really loved someone, you can't really hate? And if it's real love, you would never really want to hate someone because you know that someone out there really loves the person you hate?"

"He's blowing my mind."

"I think he's pretty wise. I have no clue where he gets it."

"Is he going to be able to go to school today?"

"Nah, I'll keep him home this time."

"You and I both have to go to work. Remember you said you would come in on your day off to finish up that paperwork. You said you could do it because all three kids would be at school in the morning and that would be enough time. You made a deal with Jo, remember?"

"Crap. I guess I'll take him in with me. He can sleep on the couch in your office right?"

"Yeah, that would be fine. But don't let him nap too much or he won't sleep again tonight."

"Okay. Can I say you look delightful this morning?"

"Do I?"

"Yes. Can I put my hands all over you?"

Her amused answer was cut off by a shout from upstairs.

"Uh-oh! Ben's sleepin' on the toilet!"

"Yeah, definitely too tired to go to school."

"I'll go wake him up then. You did parent duty all night, it must be my turn."

He chuckled as she went up the stairs to find Ben sitting on the toilet lid, his head leaned on the counter, snoring gently. She smiled and crouched down in front of him, brushing his hair back from his face.

"Hey little boy."

His eyes cracked open and he gave her a smile and a small nod.

"Hey mama. I was just dreamin' about you."

"You were?"

"Yep? Dreamed we were swimmin' in the ocean. Real deep down where there's all that coral and stuff. It was pretty."

"I bet it was. Why don't I tuck you into bed so you can take a little sleep for a while?"

"I gotta go to school!"

"No, you get to stay home today honey. You're too tired."

"Never thinked I'd be too tired to learn."

She smiled and kissed his cheek, then lifted him into her arms and carried him to his bed. He slept hard enough that tucking him in didn't wake him up, but he did grab for his old stand-by, White Teethy the Bear, which he always claimed was just there for decoration. She kissed him a few times then tucked the blankets around him, wondering what he was dreaming about.

"Mama, need my bath!" Avery announced, poking her head in the door. "I smell of Thomas."

"You always smell like the dog when you wake up. Maybe Thomas needs to sleep in her own bed."

"No! I'm her mama and she needs to sleep with her mama!"

"Alright, I'll run you a bath."

"Thomas too?"

"No, Thomas can have a bath later."

"Oh. Ben's stayin' home to sleep?"

"Yeah. He's going to have to go to work with daddy for a little while though."

"I wanna go to work with daddy!"

"Maybe someday sweetie. Let's get you in the tub."

Avery sighed and shook her head.

"Ben gets to have most fun."

* * *

"Hey Ben! What are you doing here?" Jo greeted as Adam and Ben stepped off the elevator.

"I didn't sleep last night and mama and daddy said no school. So here I am!"

"Oh, are you going to help daddy get his work done?"

"No, he said I gotta rest in mama's office."

"Do you want to come keep me company instead?"

"Could I daddy? Could I please go with Jo-Jo?"

"Yeah that's okay but you need to be good and use an inside voice and not talk her ear off, okay?"

"I can do that! C'mon Jo-Jo, you got some posty notes on your desk?"

"Of course I do," she laughed, taking his hand. He pulled her towards the office, settling down in the chair on the other side of her desk and grabbing a pencil.

"Here's a brand new pad of Post-its for you honey."

"Oh cool, they're green! I am gonna make what's called a flip book!"

"Go for it kiddo."

They worked in silence for a while, Ben humming to himself and drawing something on every page of the Post-Its. He was concentrating hard on what he was doing, occasionally erasing something to perfect it before moving on to the next page.

"What are you making honey?"

"I am drawin' a dude pitchin' a baseball and some other dude hittin' it with a bat! I am makin' it for Dunner so he can have a baseball movie to watch all the time!"

"That's very nice of you."

"Wanna see it?"

He slid off his chair and walked around the desk, climbing into her lap and showing her how far he had gotten in the project so far.

"Sarah's the one what teached me how to do this. She has one of a ballerina she maked. The ballerina she says is sissy and I asked her why the ballerina is not chubby and falling down and she just made a big breath and ignored what I said and instead she told me how to make one of my own! I can't wait to show her. She will be so proud of me."

"I bet she will."

"Hey Jo-Jo?"

"Yeah honey?"

"Let's say there was this girl I really, really liked. And she said she liked me too. And then we were going to have a date and she never showed up. Why do you think that would be?"

"Are you looking for the female perspective?" she chuckled.

"I think so. I didn't have time to ask mama."

"Well, one reason might be that she forgot. Another reason might be that something else came up and she didn't have a chance to tell you."

"Could one reason be that she doesn't like me?"

Jo sighed and took his glasses off of him, wiping away a smudge with her shirt.

"I don't know. Personally I don't see why any girl wouldn't like you, Ben. But if she doesn't, it's probably that she just likes a different kind of guy, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess. I just thinked me and her could have a great love story! One what they would make a movie about. And it would be called "Ben and Charlotte are in Love." It would be a very happy movie."

"You know what I think, Ben? I think that someday you are going to make some lucky lady very, very happy. I think you are going to find someone that sees all the best things about you and loves you so much that you will wonder how you went your whole lives without each other."

"Do you think that girl could be Charlotte?"

"I don't know. Maybe it is, but if it's not, don't be sad. This mystery girl is out there somewhere."

"Know what? I am not going to get married for a long time. I will fall in love, but I want to get married when I am grown up, like mama and daddy did. I gotta find a girl what makes me a better man. That's what daddy says mama does. I would like a lady what wants to be a mama and is a good one and loves the kids and kisses them a lot like my mama does. Plus she will be part of my family, so she needs to like Cole and sissy a lot and be friends with Dunner."

"I'm glad you know what you want, Ben."

"The perfect lady. That's what I want. And we will have a happy life and I will smile all the time. Did you know that you would love Mac from the first time you seen him?"

"No, I didn't know right away. It's something that happened over a lot of years and neither one of us realized it very quickly. Sometimes love sneaks up on you like that."

"I never knowed that. What happens if love sneaks up when you don't want it? Like how Dunner likes girls for in the future but right now he just likes sports. What if love sneaks up on him?"

"I don't know. Maybe he will have to make himself ready. But you guys have a lot of years before love with sneak up on you like that, okay?"

"Okay. Maybe I won't have a broken heart over Charlotte no more. Because there's other girls in the sea, you know?"

"I know," she chuckled kissing his cheek. "Ben, you're the sweetest little man in the whole world."

"That's what mama says too! I must be real great."

"I think you are."

"Thanks Jo-Jo, that warms my heart."

She laughed and hugged him tightly, suddenly aware of how lucky she was to get to be a part of the kids' lives. She couldn't imagine what life would be like without their smiles and silly stories and countless hugs. It was like being a grandmother, something she'd wanted to be since the moment she'd figured out what a grandmother was. Being able to be so close to the kids without a genetic relation that forced it was quite simply one of her greatest blessings.

"I love you, Jo-Jo. Someday when I find my special lady, I can't wait for her to meet you. You two will get along I think."

"I think so too."

"I bet it will be 'bout the time I'm thirty. We will wait and see."

"Okay."

He yawned and rubbed his eyes, leaning back against her, running his fingers up and down her arm.

"Could I take a nap in your lap?" he asked softly. "It's cozy here."

"Sure sweetie," she answered, dropping a kiss to his forehead.

"Thanks Jo-Jo. You're the second most wonderful lady in all the world."

* * *

Ben shuffled his feet reluctantly as the rest of his class ran happily out of the classroom for recess. He'd caught a glimpse of Charlotte across the lunchroom earlier and he knew he needed to talk to her, her just wasn't sure where he was going to get the courage. Even now after being stood up, just looking at her gave him a good feeling in his heart.

"Hey Ben, want to play with us?" Junior asked, running up to greet him as he stepped onto the playground.

"In a bit. I gotta have a talk with Charlotte."

"Oh boy," Junior sighed, rolling his eyes. He thought girls were pretty too but he didn't know why anyone would waste so much time on them. Of course, he'd never completely understood his best friend anyway.

"Ain't ya gonna wish me luck?"

"Sure, good luck Ben."

"Thanks! I'll be right back."

He trotted off to the other side of the playground, cowering behind a garbage can and giving himself a pep talk before he puffed out his chest and walked across the bark chips to Charlotte who was waiting her turn for the tire swing. He stayed a few paces back for a moment, watching the way the sun shone on her hair, the way her bracelet glittered on her wrist and how she stood up tall as if she was the most powerful woman in the world. He really liked that about her.

"Could I talk to you for a minute?" he asked finally, taking a tentative step forward.

Charlotte dropped her eyes to the ground and nodded, following him a few feet away to stand under the shade of a tree.

"I just would like to know maybe if I did somethin' wrong and that's why you didn't meet me under the slide the other day," he started, leaning against the tree trunk and shoving his hands into his pockets.

"You didn't do anything wrong," she whispered, tucking her light hair behind her ears as the wind blew against them. "But I just couldn't make it."

"Why not?"

"Because… because I didn't have a dessert."

Ben was taken aback at this admittance. He was expecting that there was another man involved, or that Charlotte found him repulsive. He'd never even thought that this could be the reason he'd been left under the slide alone.

"My mom forgot to pack me one and so I didn't have one to bring out to the slide and I felt kind of bad about that so I just didn't come. Ben, do you hate me? I don't want you to hate me!"

"I don't hate you!" he assured with a crooked grin. "I would have shared my dessert with you anyway. It was Swiss Rolls and there's two in the package. And even if there was one, I would have broke it in half."

"Really?"

"Sure! I like you and I really wanted to have dessert with you."

"Maybe we could do it tomorrow instead! I will make sure my mom packs me something good."

"Okay! I will tell my mama too. She likes to give me special stuff in my lunch."

"I'm glad you're giving me a second chance."

"One thing you will learn about me Charlotte, is that I don't give up. I learned that lesson from my daddy and from superheroes."

Charlotte giggled and Ben grinned, feeling a warmth in his stomach that spread all over him, making his heart thump harder against his chest.

"Ben, you're real funny."

"Thanks! I like to make people laugh and be happy. Want to play?"

"Sure. What should we do?"

"Whatever you want. You always think of good games."

"Well that's what I like to do."

"Could I ask you something? Would you be my girlfriend?"

Charlotte giggled again, nodding as she slipped her hand into his.

"Okay. I think you're a really nice guy."

Ben beamed joyously as they ran across the playground together. It seemed that he was going to get to be the happiest guy on the planet after all.


	283. Chapter 283

"Thomas, c'mon baby, time to go!" Avery hollered, peeking into her bedroom. "We're goin' for our trip!"

"I think it's funny that you're bringing a boy-name dog on your girl trip," Ben commented, spinning his hat around his finger as he approached.

"Her name don't matter!" Avery defended, crossing her arms over her chest. "Hers a lady! Hers a princess! Hers a delicate flower! Thomas, put your leg down!"

Ben laughed and Thomas sat there quietly, her leg up in the air like a cat. Avery sighed and walked over, forcing the dog into a more acceptable position.

"Why do ya dress up your dog sissy?"

"Cuz she looks precious."

"Well when you putted the shirt on her last time that was okay but why is she wearin' a dress?"

Avery growled and stood up, running towards him and standing chest to chest.

"Because her wanted to wear it!"

"Did she tell you that?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Ben regretted questioning his little sister. Her fist came up quickly and caught him in the jaw and he stumbled back, shocked. Avery didn't appreciate when anyone second guessed her, and she got even more defensive when they were ridiculing her "parenting" skills.

"Ow, geez, you got a heck of a fist sissy."

"I'm her mama and I am the boss of her. She's wearin' a dress because I said so!"

"Okay, okay! Man, that hurt."

"You need to 'pologize to Thomas!"

Ben sighed, knowing it was easier to play along with Avery and smooth things over than it was to stand up for himself sometimes.

"Thomas, sorry I mocked you and your dress. I won't do it again. I really like you and you're a fun dog. Was that good, sissy?"

"Yes. Sorry I hitted ya. I got 'motional."

"That's okay sissy, I won't tell this time, long as you give me a big hug when you leave."

"Okay, I will."

"Didja know the place you're goin' has a nickname? Boston's called Bean Town!"

Avery giggled and adjusted Thomas' dress.

"They gots lotsa beans there?"

"I dunno. Let's go on the computer and find out! Cole could help us."

She nodded and they ran downstairs, Thomas hot on their heels.

"Hey Cole, could you help us do some searchin' on the computer? We need to find out why Boston's called Bean Town."

Colton looked up from his homework and nodded, hopping off the couch and going for the computer. He sat down and opened up the kid-friendly search engine, typing in the query and clicking on the first page that came up.

"Do they have lots of beans?" Ben asked, reading a lot slower than Colton was.

"No, but they got the name because they created baked beans. The kind we have when daddy does food on the barbeque."

"With bamburgers!" Avery shouted in recognition.

"Maybe you will get to eat lots of beans while you're there sissy. Just make sure it don't affect you too much."

"Okay Ben. Where's mama?"

"Her and daddy are outside getting the van ready to go," Colton answered, standing up from the desk and slinging his arms around Ben and Avery. "I'm gonna miss you, Aves."

"Yeah?"

"Mm-hmm. You're going to be gone for four whole days, so I think that we should maybe have one last game of Monster Fight before you go."

"Hmm. Maybe no. Maybe we need a story?"

"You don't want to get your wiggles out before you have to be in the car for forever?" Ben clarified, looking at her quizzically.

"Oh my wiggles! Okay, let's dance!"

Colton turned on the stereo and the kids began to dance crazily around the room while Thomas jumped up on the recliner and barked happily.

"I can spin most fast!" Avery announced, spinning on one foot as Sarah had taught her. "See? I gots balance."

"Wow, you almost looked like a grown up girl for a minute sissy!"

"I been tryin'. Sarah helps me."

"Sarah's got a lot of patience," Colton confirmed. "She works hard."

"Oh hi mama! Time to go?" Avery asked, stopping her dancing so she could run across the room.

"Yes it is. We have to go pick up the girls. Say bye to the boys."

"Oh goodbye my boys!" she started dramatically, running for them. "I will miss you so very most!"

"I hope you have fun Aves. Remember all the good stuff to tell us when you get back. We will make a fort in our room and have a sleepover in it, just us three."

"Really Coley? Oh I can't wait!"

Ben leaned down and hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek and smoothing her hair back.

"Sissy, take care of mama. She'll be missin' daddy somethin' fierce."

"Okay Ben, I will."

"And don't forget to have fun with Isa and Sarah. They're a kick in the pants, if you just open your mind."

"Okay Ben. I love you."

"I love you too."

He hugged her once more and she moved on to Colton, laughing when he picked her up and pressed a loud kiss to her cheek.

"Be good Aves. I love you for all the days."

"Yep me too," she sighed, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Love you so most."

He put her down and blinked a few times, trying not to tear up. He couldn't believe his baby sister was growing up so fast. Sometimes he still saw her as a tiny toddling little girl but now she was a kid. She wasn't just a loud annoyance anymore, she was a friend and a playmate whom he love fiercely.

After more goodbyes and a ten minute struggle to load Thomas into the carrier, the girls were on the road. Avery sang to herself, watching out the window as the familiar sights rolled by. She was really excited to be doing such a grown up thing, but she was already missing her brothers a lot.

"Mama, we could get Thomas out?"

"Once everyone gets situated and we get on the road then you can let her out."

"Okay. Where is the other seat?"

"Daddy and I took the middle seat out so we could put the luggage there and you girls could all sit in the back seat together."

"Oh! That's smart. Mama I am so happy."

"I am too, baby."

"I like bein' a big girl an' bein' with you. You is my most favorite."

"Thanks sweetie."

* * *

Avery's happy attitude snapped away quickly after two hours on the road. She was frustrated at being stuck in her booster seat, angry that Thomas was confined to the dog carrier after half an hour of barking nervously, and sad because the goodbye Adam had given her apparently wasn't good enough.

"I don't wanna go to that sumeum!" she wailed, kicking her legs against the seat. "It be boring!"

"Averylin, I believe you mean the museum."

"That's borin' too!"

She broke down into sad tears while Sarah and Isa exchanged knowing glances over the top of her head. Their little friend was exhausted, and they knew just how to calm her down.

"Avery, want to hear a story?"

"No!"

"Well could you be quiet so I could tell it anyway?"

"Yeah Averylin, I would like to hear the story because Isa has the best ones. So maybe you could cry quietly, for me."

"Okay Sarah."

Avery toned down her theatrics as Isa started telling a story, one which had Avery's attention within a few moments.

"Someone seems tired," Austin commented, glancing back at the girls.

"She woke up at three, unpacked and repacked her bag, then tried to give Thomas a bath."

"She flooded the bathroom?"

"It was really wet. So then I started to clean up and realized how dirty the bathroom actually was. That turned into me scrubbing the entire thing down before four in the morning. I put some cleaner in the toilet then forgot about it until Ben started screaming that his pee was green."

"Does anything in your house ever go off without a hitch?"

"Before Ben and Avery it used to."

Austin chuckled and shook her head. Her kids were often crazy and loud, but they weren't so insanely dramatic that life had to come to a halt to deal with their problems. At least she was on the outside looking in, so it was funny rather than irritating.

"Do you want to stop for lunch before or after the museum?" she asked after a moment, seeing how close they were to Hartford.

"Probably before. I think they'll have more staying power if they have food."

"Well then that begs the question, what in the world will we have?"

"Hey girls, what do you want for lunch?"

"Waffles!" Avery shouted, wiping the rest of her tears away.

"Spaghetti!"

"A big fat burger!"

"Looks like we're going to need some variety. I'll fight with the GPS," Austin offered.

"Taking one for the team."

"It wasn't so bad until Adam decided to update it. It still speaks half in Elvish."

"Yes, I know what a geek my husband is, you don't have to rub it in."

Austin giggled and messed with the GPS for a few minutes, swearing only once before she found a promising lunch destination.

"So guess who has her very first crush?"

"Aw, you finally like Danny?"

"Very funny brat."

Lindsay chuckled and glanced over at Austin, awaiting an answer.

"Sarah Claire."

"She does? That's so cute! Who is it?"

"A kid in her class. She won't tell me his name because she said "You'll call his mom to put us on a date and then I will be embarrassed for my whole life, okay?" I figured I wouldn't pressure her."

"Probably a good move."

"She just says he's cute and has big blue eyes and her heart gets all fluttery when he talks to her. She only told me all this because I overheard her talking to Isa about it and demanded to know. For science."

"I'm trying really hard not to roll my eyes right now."

"Anyway, she is so cute when she talks about him, her eyes light up and her voice gets all breathy and she doesn't even care that Isa and I are dissolved into a pile of giggles, she just pirouettes around the room like such a… a…"

"Girl?"

"Yes! It's still so foreign to me, but I guess it's good for her to have a crush, you know?"

"How did Danny take the news?"

"He wasn't happy but he wasn't angry. She doesn't know he knows so he can't grill her about it or anything. I'm not really sure what to do at this point though. It's harmless right?"

"Unless he breaks her heart."

"It's making me go gray, I swear. It seems like they were all babies yesterday and now they're all grown up."

"Isa's had crushes before and they didn't freak you out."

"I know. I think it's because she's more like me. She has a crush, she tells the kid and if he doesn't reciprocate she shrugs it off. Sarah's totally different. More grown up I think. She has reasons for liking this kid, reasons other than "you're male and you don't repulse me," which is the basis for all of Isabeth's crushes anyway. It's just different somehow."

"Do you remember your first crush?"

"Yeah, I married him."

"I mean the first one that wasn't Danny."

"Ronnie something in kindergarten. I believe he gave me a Hot Wheels car once."

"How romantic."

"You just wait until little miss Averylin starts getting crushes. A little part of your heart just falls into your stomach."

"I'll be waiting for that."

Austin smiled and put her feet up on the dashboard before glancing into the backseat where the girls were talking animatedly about something. It was nice to see Isa included with Sarah and Avery; it wasn't as if they didn't get along, but Isa was never really interested in what the other girls were doing. She and Sarah had grown closer lately, but to see all three girls together was the icing on the cake. Isa had always been a little abrasive and prone to shutting people out, but over the last year or so she'd become gentler, more apt to embrace a person for who they were than to write them off for not being what she wanted. She was growing up in all the best ways and instead of feeling nostalgic, Austin couldn't help but watch in excitement to see who this girl was going to turn out to be.

* * *

After almost two hours at the Mark Twain museum (where Avery had slept soundly, being passed every once in a while between Lindsay and Austin) and a lazy lunch, the girls had knuckled down the last half of the drive and arrived in Boston in the late afternoon. There was some bickering between Lindsay and Austin about how to get to the hotel but once the fight became ridiculous and they were able to laugh through it and figure out where they were going.

The girls were thrilled with the hotel and were jumping up and down on the bed while Thomas sniffed around, making sure it was okay.

"Mama lookit me! I can jump most high!"

She jumped as high as she could and landed hard on the mattress, losing her footing and falling flat on her back. She laughed and struggled up again, falling a few times before she made it into a standing position.

"Whoopsie, I should do that again!"

"Averylin, be careful. I don't want you to crack your head open."

"Oh Sarah, I be fine. Me an' Ben jump on mama and daddy's bed lots when we's supposed to be sleepin'."

"Oh is that right?" Lindsay asked, wondering if Avery had noticed her slip-up.

"Uh-huh! When you's watching TV an' talkin' downstairs! Ben an' me like to jump. Coley not, he say we're gonna get in trouble."

"What do you think daddy and I would do if we caught you two out of bed?"

Avery stopped bouncing, realizing her mistake.

"Oh no, we're in trouble?"

"Not this time."

"I not jump no more. I tell Ben too."

"Thanks."

She nodded and climbed down from the bed, running across the room to Thomas, who was happily sitting on the couch.

"What do you think baby? Is this all you dreamed?" she asked, patting the dog on the head. "I'm so happy you could come. Hey Austin, thanks for findin' a stay-place for Thomas too!"

"You're welcome sweetheart. Should we go find some dinner?"

"Okay! I love food. I want more waffles."

"Is that all you're going to eat on this trip?"

"An' some cheese!"

"Oh Avery."

"Do I make your heart smile?" she asked hopefully, her voice dropping into such a southern drawl it was almost impossible to understand her.

"All the time.

"Hear that Thomas? You make my heart smile too, just like I do for Austin!"

Thomas let out a short bark and Avery giggled.

"I know! I think that too, Thomas. You and me are bosom friends. Let's go check out the bathroom."

They scampered off and Isa and Sarah burst into laughter, rolling on the bed clutching their stomachs.

"She is so weird!" Isa hooted, wiping her eyes. "Indy, where does she come up with the stuff she says? She thinks the dog was talking to her."

"Part of it is her age, and part of it is that Adam is her father."

"I hope someday, when I have a little girl, she is silly and makes me laugh like Averylin does," Sarah sighed, sitting up and pulling a pillow into her lap. "I will still love her if she is serious like me though."

"What are we going to do tomorrow?" Isa asked, scooting over so she could put her head in Austin's lap.

"I can't remember at the moment. Linds?"

"It's written down somewhere."

"Okay, that toilet is hilarious," Avery announced, coming out of the bathroom and jumping onto the bed. "There's no flushie. Does it by itself."

"Yeah, those kind have a camera on them and some guy sits in an office far away and he watches when you get up and he presses a button to flush the toilet."

"Oh no he will see my butt! I'm not goin' potty in there!"

"Honey, Isa's just teasing you."

"Oh. Well we cover that camera anyway?"

"There is no… sure sweetie, we'll cover the camera."

Avery nodded and climbed up onto the bed, snuggling up next to Sarah.

"This is most nice," she sighed. "Without the boys."

"Yeah, I like the boys but it's nice to be away from them," Isa conceded, picking at a hangnail. "Plus it's nice to get away. Don't let me forget to get some Boston dirt."

"Bean town dirt!" Avery chuckled. "Could we eat some beans?"

"No way Averylin, I have to sleep by you!"

"Oh yeah. It's good Thomas will sleep on the floor. She smells most bad sometimes. I wash her an' wash her and she stinks!"

"Now you know how I feel about you," Lindsay teased, reaching over to tickle Avery's stomach.

"Hey mama that's mean! I am tellin' daddy on you."

"What do you think daddy's going to do about it?"

"Prob'ly just kiss ya. Can we go outside?"

"Yeah, you girls want to take a walk and find a place to eat dinner?"

The suggestion was met with three happy answers, and after securing Thomas in her crate they were off. The girls all held hands and made their way down the sidewalk laughing. Sarah and Isa were trying to teach Avery how to skip, but she had no coordination and could only manage a gallop for a bit before she tripped and they had to catch her. She laughed despite being scared, still trying her hardest to skip for the next few blocks until they came upon a small café. Avery pressed her nose against the glass where the homemade desserts were displayed, gasping softly and pointing.

"I want that one!"

"Which one?"

"All of them mama."

"How about if you eat all of your dinner, you can share something with me."

"Okay! You take a picture to send to daddy to say "neener neener neener" right?"

"I could do that," Lindsay laughed, reaching down to pick Avery up. "I love you, you silly girl."

"Love you too, you most silly mama."

* * *

Back in New York the boys were having the time of their life, wrestling in the living room and getting to run around in just their underwear. They'd spent some of the morning with Mac, which always put them in a good mood, and when Adam had suggested that they go to the arcade, that was even better. There was no squabbling over who got the better scores or who was better at what game, and when it was time to come home, they obliged with no fuss. It had taken an hour to create the best blanket fort either of the boys had ever seen and they were careful not to rip it down with their antics, hoping they could leave it up for a few days.

"Hey Cole?"

"Yeah Ben?"

"You know I got that girlfriend Charlotte right?"

"Yeah."

"Well right now, I don't even want to be with her. I just like bein' a dirty and stinky boy for once! Is that okay? Does that mean I don't like her?"

Colton chuckled and rolled over onto his stomach, still breathing heavily from their wrestling match.

"Nah. It just means you're still your own person. Like how mama still goes and does stuff with just Austin and not daddy, and how daddy goes to the bar and eats bad food that makes him sick with Danny and Flack. You have to have time apart or you would kill each other."

"Oh, okay. I just want to make sure I'm doing this thing right. I don't want to make her mad."

"I think you're doing okay Ben. She still likes you and it's been a while. Are you guys going to play together at our house sometime?"

"I dunno. I don't 'spect she'd want to play with me much once she sees all the dress up and tea party stuff sissy gots. Maybe we will go to her house sometime. 'Cept I'm nervous to meet her daddy. He might gimme that shot-gun stare what mama said daddy gived to that one boy what hugged sissy at her school."

"Some boy was huggin' Aves?"

"Yeah. I thought I telled ya! It was on that day I stayed home with daddy. We went to go get sissy and some boy hugged her when she left. Daddy maked a face what I showed to mama later and she said it was daddy's shot-gun stare. Then daddy and sissy had a long talk 'bout boys."

"I wish I didn't miss that one. I don't like the idea of sissy with boys either, except for us and Junior. We love her the most and we know she's great. Other boys might break her heart once they find out she's weird."

"I think bein' weird is her best quality. What about Isa, what's the best thing about her?"

"My favorite thing about Isa is that I never have to explain what I am thinkin' to her. She just knows what I mean. Like you and Junior. Also she makes me laugh a lot when I'm not happy. And she's not real girly either, she likes boy stuff too. She's just my best friend. I don't know what it would be like if me and her weren't friends."

"Yeah, I think our whole family would be different. Know what I like 'bout Isa? I like how she gives me real good tips on what to do in situations what I get myself into. She always listens to me when I ask her stuff. She looks at my eyes the same way Austin does because she really cares 'bout me. I like that a lot. And Sarah, I like how she is just herself. She's so nice and pretty and I like how she always hugs us before she leaves."

"Yeah I like that too. She's a real good person. Someday when I have kids, I want them to know Sarah and want to be good like her."

"You want to be a daddy someday Cole?" Ben asked, sitting up and adjusting his glasses.

"Yeah. A real good one too. I think it would be fun, but lots of hard work."

"That would make me a uncle! Uncle Ben! I bet your kids would like me huh Cole? They would know I am the funnest uncle they got."

"We will have to live by each other so when you have kids they will know me too."

"Okay! My house will have a waterslide."

"That would be cool! I wonder why we don't have a pool and a waterslide. Hey daddy! Could we get a pool and a waterslide?"

"Our backyard's too small," Adam answered, coming into the room with three glasses of chocolate milk. "I wish we could have one, then we could charge people to use it."

"We would make so much moola!" Ben laughed, taking a glass. "Whoa daddy this sure is chocolatey."

"I thought it would be good to have while we wait for dinner. What are you guys up to?"

"Talkin' about girls," Ben answered with a shrug. "Daddy, when you was a boy, what did you like to play?"

"I played a lot of stuff. I used to pretend that I was a spy a lot, and I was running from the bad guys."

"That sounds fun! Me and Dunner play spies sometimes but we're not that good at it. What else did you play?"

"Sometimes I pretended to be a caveman. I would run around the house grunting and trying to scare people."

"What was your favorite toy?"

"I had an erector set that I used to play with a lot. Have I ever got that out for you guys?"

"I don't think so."

"It must be in the basement. Stay here, I'll go get it."

"I like that daddy likes to play with us," Ben said, once Adam had gone. "He always tells me that bein' with us kids and mama is the best part of his life. I don't think a whole lot of other daddies say that to their kids, 'cept Danny and Flack."

"I wish more daddies did," Colton agreed. "There are a lot of bad daddies out there."

"Really? Like who?"

"Well I don't know one for sure, but I know that there are some. Mean ones."

"Mean? What do they do?"

"I don't want to tell you just yet Ben. It'll make you sad. Ask daddy some other time. He will tell you the truth if you want to really know."

"Oh, okay. Boy, we sure are lucky that we got the daddy what we did. And the mama what we got too! They're the best."

"Yep, I agree. Even though sometimes I don't like the rules they give us, mostly they are real fun."

"We got a great life, Cole. A great, great life."


	284. Chapter 284

A/N: Sorry this took forever. I'm spreading myself too thin and my muse has favorites. Bear with me.

* * *

"Good morning fabulous people and Thomas!" Avery shouted, jumping around on the bed while everyone else tried to ignore her. "Let's get scootin'!"

"Lin, what is the problem with your offspring? They can't sleep in, ever. Even on vacation."

"They don't get it from me. Averylin, stop jumping."

"Not jumpin' mama. I'm bouncin'."

"Well stop bouncing please. The rest of us are trying to sleep."

Avery sighed and climbed off the bed, sauntering over to Thomas who was awake but still curled up on her bed.

"You wanna watch cartoons with me baby? I will find a dog one so you can see your kind of peoples."

Austin snorted a laugh and rolled over to hide her face in her pillow while Isa and Sarah giggled outright.

"What?"

"Nothing, Averylin. Just an inside joke."

"Oh, okay. C'mon Thomas, let's see how to work this channel changer."

She sat down on the floor and fiddled with the remote for a while then sighed and stood up, climbing back into the bed.

"Mama?"

"Okay but you can't watch it too loud."

Avery nodded then scooted closer to Sarah, remote in her hand.

"Sarah, cuddle me please. I don't smell, I promise."

Sarah giggled and wrapped her arms around her friend, sitting up a little so she could watch TV too. Isa yawned and rolled over, snuggling up to Austin who was surprised at the affection from her daughter, but not surprised enough that she didn't reciprocate.

"Thomas, I finded Clifford! This cartoon is what made me want you, baby. Mama, put Thomas on the bed so we can watch together. I need her to see where she comed from. Well sorta."

Lindsay bit her lip and tried not to laugh at the comment, then leaned over the side of the bed and clucked her tongue at the dog.

"C'mere Thomas, your mama wants you."

"She means me," Avery clarified, as if no one could tell what Lindsay meant.

Thomas trotted over and Lindsay lifted her onto the bed where she immediately went for Avery, snuggling down with her and licking her chin.

"I love you too Thomas."

"Avery, honey could you please try to keep your voice down a little? I know you always talk loud but right now I need you to talk softly."

"But I was just talkin' to Thomas!"

"Averylin, did you know that dogs have better hearing than humans?" Sarah asked, diffusing the situation. "Thomas could hear you loud and clear, even if you whispered."

"Really? If I talk loud, maybe I hurt her ears! Oh Thomas I am so sorry. I will be quieter for you!"

"God bless us everyone," Austin muttered, catching Lindsay's eye.

"You're terrible."

"I know."

"Mama, Thomas says she's hungry for breakfast an' I am hungry too! Could we have food?"

"I guess. Does that mean I have to get up and shower and go find something and bring it back here for you?"

"Yep!"

"Oh Averylin Grace."

"Get some breakfast cheese mama!"

"What if I get breakfast?" Austin asked. "I need to go for a short run anyway, I'll bring something back."

"Okay, I would like that," Avery agreed with a nod.

"Could I go for a run with you ma?" Isa asked hopefully.

"Sure baby. Let's go get changed."

They hopped up from the bed and went into the bathroom while Sarah sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.

"You want to go with them, Sarahlove?"

"No, I don't like to run. I would rather stay here and watch cartoons with Averylin."

"Okay."

"Mama, we could call daddy an' the boys? I miss them so most! I wanna say mornin' to my Ben. I miss him givin' me a hug."

"We can call them after breakfast. I'm not sure they're up yet."

"Please mama? I wanna talk to them."

Lindsay sighed and grabbed her phone off the nightstand, calling Adam's phone and brushing the hair out of her face.

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Yeah well your daughter woke up and she misses you so most."

He groaned sleepily and she could hear the sheets rustling as he rolled over, trying to wake up. As much as she was enjoying the get-away, part of her wanted to be there in his arms where it was warm and safe and the only sound was his heart beating.

"Okay, let me talk to her."

Lindsay smiled and handed the phone over to Avery who began to gush about their trip, explain in great detail how many things they were going to do and how much food they'd eaten before asking to speak to her brothers.

"Hey auntie can I ask you something?" Sarah whispered, climbing over Avery to lay next to Lindsay.

"Sure sweetie, you can ask me anything."

"Do you think I'm pretty?"

"I know you're pretty. Why do you ask?"

"Just wondering."

"I know you know this sweetie but there are far more important things than being pretty anyway."

"I know. And I know I've got those things like being kind and helpful and a hard-worker. But sometimes I like to know that I am pretty on the outside too. Jo told me that's called being a well-rounded individual and she tried to teach Tyler and Ellie to be like that. And I said that I think they are both like that and then she got all teary and hugged me for a long time."

"Moms always like to hear good things about their kids."

"What would you tell my ma about me and Isabeth and Daniel?"

"Oh, so many good things," Lindsay chuckled. "She already knows them though."

"When I have kids someday I will always tell them nice things that I think about them. I tell Averylin nice things because she is my best friend and I also think it is cute when I tell her and she smiles and wrinkles her nose, it makes me want to hug her a lot."

"She's very lucky to have a best friend that loves her so much."

"I am lucky too. She makes me laugh and sometimes makes me be a little crazy. I think that's good for me."  
"Yeah, sometimes."

"I suppose my ma told you that I got a crush on a kid in my class."

"She mentioned something," Lindsay acknowledged.

"I really like the way I can't stop smiling when I see him. He's just so nice. I really like that in a man."

"I'm glad you know what you want Sarah Claire."

"Is falling in love fast or does it take time?"

"A little of both. I think it takes some time and then before you know it, it's happened. Usually when you're not looking or paying attention."

"Does it happen to people as young as me?"

"There's evidence for it. Look at your mom and dad."

"Hmm, that's true."

"Okay we're headed out," Austin announced as she and Isa headed for the door. "Breakfast cheese, Averylin?"

"Yes please! I love my cheese you know."

"Alright. We'll be back later."

Avery blew them a kiss and they were soon out the door.

* * *

"And then I falled out the window and bonked my head real hard!" Ben announced, his voice crackly over the phone. "But I am okay now, daddy told me to make sure you knowed that. We only had to go to the doctor for a small little minute."

"Wait, back up and tell me what happened and why daddy didn't call me."

"Well daddy didn't call you on account of what could you do all the way from Boston? So we waited to make sure my brain wasn't falling out. And that's what's called a exaggeration. Actually my brain didn't fall out and I don't got no concussion either."

"How did you fall out the window?"

"Daddy taked all the screens off the house to wash 'em and I didn't know. And I was in the eatin' room and I looked out the window but there was no screen to stop me and I just tumbled right out into the grass. I hit my head pretty hard and lost my glasses there was some blood. Daddy made me lay on the grass for a bit until I catched my breath and then we goed to the doctor. I got some stitches. I will show you when you come home. Did anybody get hurt there?"

"Avery's elbow slipped out again."

"Did she go to the doctor?"

"No, I fixed it. Austin and Sarah both freaked out."

Ben laughed and relayed the message to Adam.

"Daddy wants to know if she is okay."

"Yeah, she's fine, she just couldn't play rough for the rest of the day."

"I think my injury is worse than hers then. I have to have a ice-pack on my head. That's really tough. And cold."

"Well I'm sorry you got hurt honey."

"I really miss you mama. I'd like a quick hug and kiss from you to lift my spirits."

"I'll be home in a few days."

"Could we have a special day together when you get back? Just you and me at our special restaurant place? We did not go there for a long time. Please mama?"

"I'll do my best."

"Okay! Hey Cole, you want your turn to talk to mama now?"

The phone switched hands and Colton came on, breathing hard.

"I just ran to take out the garbage and when I was out there I think I saw some alien eyes staring at me so I ran really, really fast back inside."

"You sound like daddy."

"I know. How was your day? What did you do?"

"We went down to the water and played for a while, and we went to a few parks and a library."

"Aves went to a library? Was she good?"

"It started out okay. They were just starting a story time for kids and she was quiet for a little while, but then she started telling the girl next to her about her "female she-dog" Thomas and she was too loud so we had to go."

"Oh boy. It never surprises me the things Aves does. What did you do tonight?"

"The park down the street was showing a movie so we took a picnic dinner and watched it."

"That sounds fun! Me and daddy and Ben might sleep out in the backyard but if I just saw alien eyes I don't think I want to after all. Plus we had pizza for lunch and dinner. Daddy said he didn't want to un-freeze the meals you made before you left and he didn't feel like cooking."

"Well he'll get sick of pizza real soon."

"I miss you mama. I can't wait to see you when you come back. Could we go to the bookstore, just us, and have coffee and play a game?"

"I'll do my best."

"Okay. I guess me and Ben really love you if we both want to have time with just you."

"I love you guys too."

"Here, you can talk to daddy now but please don't make kissing noises."

"Oh alright."

"Hey babe."

"Hi. Quite the adventure you've had today huh?"

"Yeah, I was going to call but I didn't want to worry you. And I didn't want to miss the hilarious things Ben was saying about his tumble out the window."

"Like what?"

"'Well I don't think I can add that to my resume, on account of I didn't land on my feet!'"

She laughed and shook her head, imagining his head tipped to the side and the nose scrunch that would accompany that statement.

"I miss you guys."

"We miss you girls too. Kind of quiet around here without our Titian-haired banshee."

"She's raising ruckus here instead. We got back from the park and she went into the bathroom and started washing her feet in the toilet. She looked at me like I was crazy when I told her it was disgusting."

"You are crazy but not for that reason."

"Thank you."

"I love you."

"I love you too. What are you guys doing tonight? Colton said something about a campout in the backyard."

"Yeah, I thought I'd take the tent out and see if I could set it up. If not then I will turn in my man-card."

"Okay, well call me if you need help."

"Yes, sir."

"You're hilarious."

"And you want to jump me right now, don't you."

"_Adam._"

"I was right."

"Oh go fly a kite."

He chuckled which only made her sigh louder and shake her head. He knew exactly what he was doing. Anyone who had ever said that Adam Ross was a socially awkward, bumbling nerd had obviously never fallen in love with him.

"I should go get the tent out I suppose."

"Good luck with that. I don't even think you can get it out of the basement on your own."

"I can too!"

"There are spiders down there."

"Hey, what I don't know can't hurt me."  
"You're looking for the bug spray to take down with you, aren't you?"  
"Stop knowing me so well."

"Stop making me want to."

There was a silence and she knew she had him. Simple flirting had taken them very far and when they were apart, even for a short amount of time, it seemed to gather strength.

"Okay you win. I'll talk to you later."

They hung up after a moment and she put the phone on the side table, then stood up from the chair and looked over at the girls. All three of them were cuddled up together in the middle of the bed, sleeping hard. They'd all crashed pretty early, probably because of all the running around and fresh air during the day. It wasn't such a surprise that Sarah and Avery had fallen asleep but Isa usually battled it far longer than the other two and had been up until almost midnight the night before.

Quietly she walked across the room and opened the sliding glass door onto the patio, finding Austin there, staring out over the city in silence.

"Hey Goose. What's shakin'?"

Austin chuckled and scooted over a little in the chair so Lindsay could sit down with her.

"I was just thinking. Did I ever tell you that we came here for a weekend when I was a kid?"

"No, you didn't."

Austin nodded, her mind wandering back so many years.

"I was young, it was before everything went bad. This time of year too. I don't remember a whole lot of it, but I know my dad let me ride on his shoulders a lot. And that carousel we took the girls to today? I begged for days to ride it and finally he said yes and he rode it with me. He chose the most girly, floofy horse on the whole thing just because he knew it would make me laugh. I miss having a dad like that. I don't know, I'm sappy and melancholy and I shouldn't be but I guess it's just one of those days."

"I'm sorry."

"I miss what he used to be. Sometimes I watch Danny with the girls and it just hurts because no matter how long it's been, I still wonder what I did wrong, why my dad didn't love me like that. I know it wasn't me but I don't think I will ever believe that fully."

"And nothing anyone says will help, will it?"

"No."

"Well I love you anyway. No matter what. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"There are men in your life that have acted like a father to you when they had no reason to. They did it because they care about you, and that doesn't come out of nowhere."

"I get it. I really do, and most of the time I know it but occasionally I wonder. What if things had been different."

"Hey now," Lindsay started, pulling Austin into a hug. "We said long ago that would never talk about things being different because one day we might pull a Freaky Friday and things would be different and then we would regret it. Remember?"

"Lin."

"I know. I just don't want you to get consumed by it like you have before. You get into this horrible funk and you start snapping at everyone and that makes you feel even worse. I don't want that for you. I love you too much. And I hate getting snapped at."

"So it's self preservation."

"Among other things. I'm going to go in and go to bed."

"Could you stay out here with me? Just for a bit?"

"Of course. Too bad we don't have a telescope. Scan the other buildings for naked people."

"Remind me to buy a telescope for home use."

"We're gross."

"Wouldn't be gross with anyone but you."

"Aw, thanks Aust."


	285. Chapter 285

A/N: Uncooperative muse. I spent days on this and just… well anyway, shorter chapters for a while I think.

* * *

Sarah and Avery were absolutely in heaven. From the moment they discovered that their surprise for the day was to visit the American Girl store they'd been giggling and scheming and dreaming of all the dolls and outfits they could look at. Sarah had money left over from Christmas that she was going to use for accessories for her doll Paisley and Avery was just happy to be going along. She wasn't aware that she was going to get to pick out her very own doll too, for if she had known, they probably would have had to peel her off the floor because she would be a dramatic, emotional mess.

Austin and Isa were having their own morning, visiting the batting cages and something else that Austin had kept a secret, even from Lindsay. They were all going to meet up for lunch and then Austin and Sarah would have some time together while Lindsay took Isa and Avery to the science museum. The girls had been up since the crack of dawn in anticipation and it was almost a foregone conclusion that Avery was going to need a nap at some point, or she was going to get cranky.

"Ooh, Averylin, look at this! It's a ballet outfit!"

"That's pretty Sarah. You gonna get that for Paisley?"

"I don't know. I need to look at all my options first."

Avery nodded and happily scanned the displayed outfits, wanting to be the one to find the perfect one for Sarah's beloved doll. She glanced at the sports themed outfits, the dance inspired looks and was looking at the jeans when Sarah gasped delightedly.

"Oh Averylin look at this beautiful dress! And it comes with shoes! I think I'll get this one for Paisley."

"She will love it, Sarah," Avery said seriously, adjusting the doll on her hip. "I wish there was doggie clothes. For Thomas."

"Maybe you could tell one of the workers that. Maybe then the company will make dog clothes. Thomas could be their first customer."

"Oh yeah!"

"Did you find something, Sarah?" Lindsay asked, crouching down to see what she had.

"Yep. Do I have enough money?"

"Yes you do. And you're sure this is the one you want?"

"Oh yes auntie, it is. It's so pretty."

"Alright. Now Avery, do you want to pick out a doll?"

"What?"

"Well daddy and I decided that you've been doing such a good job taking care of Thomas and being a good girl that if you would like to, you can use the birthday money you saved up to get yourself a doll."

Avery's eyes filled with happy tears and she tossed Paisley to Sarah and rushed to Lindsay, throwing her arms around her neck.

"Oh mama! I am so happy! I wanted a doll since Sarah getted one! This is my dream come true! I am a most lucky girl!"

"Now if we do this honey, you have to remember that your doll is expensive and you need to take very good care of her. Daddy and I are going to give you a little money to use too, but after this doll, we can't do any more presents for a long time."

"Okay mama, okay!"

"Are you ready to pick one out?"

"Oh yes! She needs to have fluffy hair like me!"

She grabbed Lindsay's hand and pulled her in the direction of the custom dolls while Sarah trailed behind them giggling. She'd sat at the computer and created her doll online, then waited for three weeks until it was delivered, but this was exciting as well.

"Oh mama I so like the little baby ones! An' I could get a baby an' it could be a sister for Sarah's doll! Oh look, one with orange hair like me!"

She pulled the box off the shelf and hugged it tightly to her chest.

"I want this girl. I will name her something most pretty. Can I get this one mama?"

"Sure honey."

"I will sing to her a song and she will sleep. I will rock her and tell her things. She an' me will love each other so most."

"Averylin, I can't wait to play with our dolls together. You will really enjoy being a mommy."

"I think so too Sarah! Mama could I get a dress for my baby?"

"That would be okay. Want me to help you pick one?"

"Yes please. I would like something blue."

They perused the outfits for quite a while before they found something that was to Avery's liking, then went to the register to pay. The girls chattered happily about what Avery was going to name her baby as they made their way over to the restaurant. The dolls were propped up in the booth between the girls and they sat quietly, coloring their menus while they waited for Austin and Isa.

"Auntie thank you for taking us here," Sarah said suddenly. "It was really fun."

"You're welcome sweetie."

"Me and Averylin don't get to do very many things like this together that are special."

"It will get easier as you get older."

"Yeah, maybe so. Oh hey, it's my ma and Isa! Hey Isa, what did you do today?"

Isa grinned and skipped over to the table, sliding in next to the girls and giving Sarah a hug.

"Me and ma went to the batting cages. I'm getting really good. Then we just walked around some and bought music. Oh Avery did you get a new doll?"

"Yeah! Her don't got a name yet. I still need to think 'bout it."

"She's real pretty."

"Thanks! I am gonna teach her patty-cake later."

"That sounds like fun," Isa giggled, reaching over to pat Avery's shoulder. "Are you excited about going to the science museum with me?"

"Yep! I wanna take pictures for the boys to see what we done."

"Okay. I wonder what we will see there."

"Such fun things, Isa. Such fun things."

* * *

Avery's nap came soon after lunchtime. They made it back to the hotel just before she melted down, and she climbed into bed with Thomas, who was happy to see her after spending the morning on a leash with Austin and Isa. She kept mumbling something about missing her boys but was soon deeply asleep, sprawled out in the middle of the California King bed and looking positively minuscule.

"Are we still gonna have time for stuff this afternoon, Indy?" Isa asked, sitting down on the couch. "I mean, I know she needs her sleep but how long is this going to take?"

"She won't sleep for more than an hour. Besides your mom and sister are going to be tied up until dinnertime at least."

"Where are they going?"

"To the ballet."

"Oh yawn. I'm glad I didn't have to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love Sarah and I like how much she loves to dance, but I watched a ballet with her on TV and it wasn't even fun until Daniel came in and we made farting noises when the dancers were spinning. But then Sarah cried and I felt kind of bad. So it's probably not good for me to go to the ballet, that's all."

"Maybe not. Want to watch some TV while we wait for Avery?"

"Sure. I like those old shows that you like. The ones without color."

Lindsay chuckled a little as they snuggled into the couch, flipping through the channels until they found an old episode of _Perry Mason_. Isa sighed and pulled a blanket around herself, not sleepy but definitely needing to slow down a little. She used to move so fast and be so crazy but sometimes all she wanted was for the world to pause.

"Indy?"

"Yeah baby?"

"Don't let me forget to get some Boston dirt. I like it here."

"Okay."

"I got a little when we went to Salem this mornin'. I wonder if it has witch ashes in it."

"You're morbid, kiddo."

Isa smiled and yawned, reluctant to admit how tired she actually was. It was so cozy sitting here listening to the drone of Raymond Burr's deep voice and the muffled street sounds from outside. For one fleeting moment she had a strong desire to slide her thumb into her mouth like when she was a little girl, but it passed before she could commit to it. There was just something so nice about a slightly overcast day, snuggling up with her Indy and not worrying about anything in the world. She would give anything to have days like this all the time.

"Could we get hot chocolate later?"

"Sure."

"Could I have coffee?"

"Maybe."

"You're my favorite, did you know?"

"Flattery will get you nowhere."

"Are you sure about that? It's always worked before."

"Child, you are something else."

"Yeah maybe. Could I call Colt?"

"Yeah, that's fine. Can I ask what you have to talk about?"

"Everything of course. He's still my best friend, even if we have friends besides each other."

"Alright well just remember, you're too young to elope."

"Ew! I could never kiss him. Not for real."

"Okay good."

Isa rolled her eyes and Lindsay handed off the phone, reminding her that Danny had all the boys for the day while Adam worked.

"Hey daddy it's me, can I talk to Colt please?"

"You don't want to talk to me?"

"Well later I do but right now could I talk to him?"

"Fine, fine."

Isa and Colton slipped into an easy conversation, almost picking up where they had left off last time they'd talked and Lindsay smiled to herself, finding it interesting that all of the kids seemed to mimic their mothers as far as friendships went. She wondered briefly how many other habits the kids had picked up and how many they were going to have to be broken of.

* * *

"Uncle Cupcake! Come quick! You gotta see what we found!"

Adam sighed and glanced down at the dinner dishes, wondering how long this was going to take. If it was a game the boys had made up he was sure he would get sucked in so quickly that he would forget that he was supposed to be cleaning the kitchen.

"Can it wait a minute?"

"No!"  
Wiping his hands off he went to the back door, finding all three boys with mud all over their clothes, Colton holding what looked like a wet shirt.

"It's a cat daddy!" Ben shouted. "We finded it under the bushes. It was just meow-ing a lot! Can we keep it?"

"Let's get it inside and warmed up and then we'll see what we can do."

"My daddy gots a soft spot for animals, Dunner," Ben said, patting his friend on the shoulder. "Even if we can't keep the cat, we can find it a good home! C'mon let's go get a box and some blankets so the cat will be comfy."

The boys trooped up the stairs while Adam took the cat from Colton, finding it limp and cold but alert. He found a towel in the laundry room and started to dry the cat off, hoping he wasn't hurting it. It was small, probably a young kitten, and it didn't have a collar.

"Think it will be okay daddy?"

"We'll do our best. I think what we should do first is see if there's a veterinarian that's still open."

"Can we keep it?"

"I don't know, son. Let's just worry about getting it cleaned up for now."

Colton nodded and reached over to rub the cat's back.

"Maybe we could give it some warmed up milk?"

"Yeah, but not too warm, okay?"

"Alright."

They went into the kitchen and Colton got the milk ready while Adam continued to warm and dry the cat, who was perking up a little.

"We got a box daddy! Think we could put that little kitty in there?"

"Let's see if we can get its belly full first."

"Maybe we should look on the computer to see how to take care of it," Junior suggested with a shrug.

"I can do that," Colton said, setting the small bowl of milk on the floor and going for the computer. Adam moved down to the floor to offer the cat a drink and Ben joined them, rocking back and forth excitedly.

"I feel real good 'bout this daddy! Helpin' this kitty out is kinda nice. And maybe we will get a reward for our good deed! A reward of keepin' the cat!"

"I don't know. We'll have to see what happens."

"Well I'd like to keep it."

"I know you would."

Ben nodded and stood up, going to the computer where Colton had two tabs open, the first for tips on how to take care of the cat and the second on vet clinics that were open late at night.

"Find some good stuff Cole?"

"Yeah. Daddy will have to map it, but there's a vet that's open that we can take the cat to."

"It would be cool if we could keep it. Or if Dunner could."

"We're a dog family," Junior supplied. "That's what my ma says. If we had a cat it would always hide under Sarah's bed because that's the quietest place in the whole place."

"I bet daddy will talk mama into it," Ben decided.

"Ben, I said we'll see."

"I know that. I ain't countin' my ducks or nothin'. I'm just dreamin'."

"Why don't you guys get your shoes on and we'll go to the vet."

* * *

Two hours later they were back home with the cat, who seemed a little better after some food. Ben hadn't mentioned keeping the cat but he was sticking very close to it, checking every few minutes to make sure it was okay. Another fort had been constructed in the living room and the boys were engrossed in a movie while Adam sat at the table and talked to Avery.

"An' daddy I name my baby doll Cleopatra!" she announced with a delighted giggle.

"When you get married make sure you husband has better taste in names than you do."

"And I call her Clover for shortsies," she continued, not hearing him. "She is beautiful daddy. We can play dolls when I get home."

"Okay Tink. I miss you."

"I miss you too! I think I would like a big, big squeeze hug."

"You got it dudette."

"Do you love me oh so most daddy?"

"So most honey."

"Good! You did not forget me."

"Never. Are you being good for mama?"

"Oh yes. We haved much fun today. Me an' mama an' Isa goed to a place and played some games and stuff! An' Isa gived me a piggy-back ride! And even she skipped too! I was like a roller coaster! She is fun daddy."

"I know. Do you have pictures to show me when you get home?"

"Yep! Mama taked a precious picture of me an' Thomas an' Clover havin' a rest. It's me an' my whole world in a picture daddy! Like how mama says 'bout that picture on our wall of family."

"Oh I see. Well maybe we can put that picture on the wall in your room. How about that?"

"That would be good daddy. I wish you was here to kiss me goodnight. On my cheek. And give me a snuggle because I like it bein' warm when you hug me. I like how you tell me stories 'bout faries an' mermaids too."

"Want me to save some up for when you come home?"

"Yeah! Thanks daddy!"

"Anytime Averylin. I love you."

"I love you too. Night daddy. Here is mama to talk to."

The phone clattered to the floor and it was a moment before Lindsay came on, seeming a little irritated.

"She didn't hand me the phone, she tossed it to me and you know how terrible her throwing skills are. It almost went off the balcony."

"Did she apologize?"

"She didn't even see what happened, she just ran back inside to eat popcorn."

"Not surprised."

"I'll talk to her later. I don't feel like getting up right now."

"So I have something to talk to you about."

"Oh no."

"The boys found a kitten."

"I can already hear it in your voice Adam, you big softy."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It's not bad, but I know that I can't say no."

"So do we still have the dishes and stuff from the other cats?"

"Might be in the basement."

"You're good with this?"

"As long as the boys take care of it, I don't mind. If Avery can remember to feed and water and clean up after her dog and never be reminded, then the boys need to be able to do that for the cat."

"That's fair."

"However, let's not make a decision until we see the dog and cat together. I don't want to have to be tending to animal injuries all the time."

"Agreed. I'll keep reminding Ben to not count his ducks. His phrase, not mine."

Lindsay laughed softly and leaned back in the chair, missing her boys greatly. They'd be home tomorrow but she couldn't wait to hug and kiss the boys until they protested and tried to get away.

"You have Junior tonight too?"

"Yeah. Have you ever noticed that when we have more kids than just our own, it seems a little easier?"

"I think they entertain each other and there's more voices of reason."

"Must be it. What time will you be home tomorrow?"

"Late afternoon. We're planning on taking our time but we might decide to drive straight through too. I'll let you know tomorrow."

"My mom called today. They're going to be in town next month. Are we busy?"

"Not as far as I know."

"I'll let her know. Maybe while they're here you and I can escape for a date?"

"Let's plan on it. I like you."

"I like you too. Hey, I gotta go. I've got a very dashing young man in here that looks like he needs to have a chat."

"Give Junior a hug for me. I love you."

"Love you too babe."

He hung up the phone and glanced over at Junior who was looking slightly apprehensive and not like his normal self.

"What's up dude?"

"Adam," he started, sighing deeply. "I was just thinkin' 'bout my ma. I really miss her. Is it okay for a guy to miss his ma? Does it mean I am not a man?"

Adam chuckled and lifted Junior onto his lap, giving him a little hug.

"I think every real man misses his ma sometimes. And you happen to have a ma that's pretty awesome so it's okay that you miss her."

"I like just hanging out with my dad you know? Because we eat lots and lots of crap and watch boy movies and burp a lot and sit around in our underwear. I guess we do that when the girls is home too but it's different when it's just me and dad. But there's a little part of me that misses my ma. Not my sisters. I like them but they're girls. My ma isn't really a girl. It's different. She's just a ma. Like how aunt Lin ain't a girl, she's just a aunt Lin. I think it's because they don't have cooties. My sisters have cooties."

"Yeah, that happens."

"I wish I had a brother sometimes. Ben and Colton got each other. I don't got a brother. Do you?"

"I have a brother but we don't see each other very much. We didn't grow up together."

"Oh. I wonder what it's like to share a room and stuff with another dude that looks like you."

Adam suppressed a chuckle.

"Well you can always come over here and be the third brother for a little while if you'd like."

"Okay. Thanks. And my ma will be home tomorrow right?"

"Right."

"Good," he said with a nod, sliding off Adam's lap. "Oh, and I don't think sissy Aves has cooties. She's got too much boy-ness in her."

He took off into the other room and Adam grinned to himself. All those years as an only child, all those years being lonely and just wanting a family, and now he had what he'd always wanted, ten-fold.


	286. Chapter 286

"My boys!" Avery screeched, running from the front door into the living room where the boys were standing with their arms open. "Oh how I miss you so very most!"

"We missed you too sissy!" Ben said, hugging her as tightly as he could. "Boy, we was sure in a right state without you."

"You was?"

"Course! Right Cole? We missed sissy like crazy huh?"

"Yep. Did you think we would forget you or something Aves?"

"No. Wanna meet my new baby?"

"Not really sissy, I don't like dolls. Where's Thomas? We gotted her a bone at the store today."

"Oh Thomas!" Avery called as the dog trotted inside happily. "My boys getted you a present!"

Thomas jumped on the boys, greeting them both then settled down on the rug with the bone they'd given her.

"Where's mama, Aves?"

"Gettin' junk outta the car. Daddy will help."

"Daddy missed you too sissy. Did you hug him yet?"

"No. I want my boys first. Hug daddy later, I think."

"Better not forget. C'mon, let's go upstairs and you can see the fort what me and Cole and Dunner built all by ourselves. It's awesome!"

They trooped up the stairs and Avery gasped delightedly at the blanket fort that took up the boys entire room.

"Oh goody!" she squealed, spotting the small mattress on the floor between their beds. "I get to sleep in here too!"

"Daddy said you could for the rest of spring break but then you have to go back to your own bed."

"Because me and you talk too much," Ben added with a nod.

"Okay."

"So did you have fun in Boston?" Colton asked, once all three of them were laying on their beds.

"Yep! Sometime us kids will go with not mama and daddy. There is a playground and a pool. Mama an' Austin teached me swimming. I can float. Thomas cannot swim too for it is a people pool and hers a dog."

"Hey Aves, this means we can go to the pool together in the summer. You can practice swimming better and I will work on diving."

"Isa done that only she say "cannonball!" and splashed mama an' Austin an' then Austin pushed Isa back in the pool and me an' Sarah laughed an' then Isa yanked Sarah in the pool an' I wanted to join the fun an' I jumped in and mama, well she done went hysterical. That's why I getted lessons on swimming."

"Sissy, you are dangerous!" Ben exclaimed, leaning over the side of his bed to look at her. "Don't ever jump in a pool again like that without some water wings."

"Oh Ben, I can float. It be okay."

"Just be real careful, Aves. Me and Ben are both good swimmers but sometimes we still get water up our noses."

"And tired legs."

"And swim trunk wedgies."

Avery hooted a laugh at that one and sat up, shaking her curls away from her face.

"Me an' mama brunged you presents, boys. I will go an' get 'em. Stay here."

She ran out of the room and Ben sighed wisfully, shaking his head.

"Good gosh, I sure missed our baby sister. She is real fun."

"Yeah she is. It's too bad our new cat is getting groomed right now or we could introduce them. Do you think she knows we have a cat now too?"

"Not sure. We'll ask when she comes back."

"Maybe we should go downstairs and see if mama's inside yet. I really need to hug her."

"Me too, Cole. I'll race ya!"

They both jumped up and ran downstairs, Ben tripping over the last few steps and crashing hard on the floor, but popping up with a grin.

"Mama, that grand entrance was just for you!" he declared, running over to hug her. "Pick me up!"

She laughed and stooped down to hug him, wondering how he'd grown an inch in just a few days.

"I really love you mama and I missed you a lot and I got to thinkin' the other day about how great you are and how if I was a lady I'd wanna be just like you!"

"Thank you sweetie."

"I think I will be a boy version of you and be like daddy too. But then I 'membered that I am part you and part daddy so if I wanna be like both of y'all, alls I gotta do is be myself!"

"Oh Ben. What would I do without you?"

"Your life would be real borin' mama. I need some new pants. These ones got pretty shorty and it looks like I'm waitin' for a flood!"

"You can wear shorts for a bit until we have time to go get you some new clothes."

"Okay. You can hug Cole now."

She smiled and stood up, feeling her heart clench as her first-born ran into her arms, like they'd been apart for months. He held on tight and didn't say a word for a while, then suddenly looked up at her with a grin.

"Missed you."

"I missed you too buddy."

"I thought of something we could do together. Actually, a few somethings. I made a list. Can I show it to you later?"

"Yes please. I think that we can do next Saturday, if you're not busy."

"I'm not! Are you going to mark it on your calendar?"

"Sure. I just can't believe that you still want to spend time with me."

"Of course I do mama! I do love you, you know."

"I know. I love you too."

He smiled and pushed himself up on his toes, kissing her cheek.

"Daddy, is it time to go get the cat yet?" Ben asked, patting Thomas on the head. "I think it would be good for it and Thomas to be friends."

"Almost time buddy. Let's let Thomas get some food and rest and then we'll go get the cat."

Adam had thwarted all plans to name their new pet, on the chance that there would be animal wars in the house. The boys understood that Thomas was there first and they had to make sure this was a good fit for her too, but they were still anxious to see how things were going to go.

"We gots a kitty?" Avery asked skeptically. "What color?"

"It's gray and black sissy! It's real nice too. The doctor said it was a boy and daddy said we will have to get him fixed soon. I don't know what that means."

"Oh. Will the kitty sleep in your bed?"

"We'll see! It likes us a lot. Sleeped with all us boys last night and only meowed a little bit! We had to take it to the hair doing place on account of it had some bad patches of fur and was pretty dirty. Daddy said that after this we won't take it to be cleaned no more because cats do that theirselves."

"Well," Avery said, sliding out of Adam's lap. "That's interestin'. C'mon mama, let us get the presents out for the boys an' daddy! For we missed them."

"Yes we did."

"An' boys, we bringed also a can of beans from Beantown because that is so funny! I will find it for you an' then we will play."

* * *

"How about Franklin?" Ben suggested, pulling a string across the floor for the cat to chase. "I kinda like that name."

"Yeah, but it's another human name," Colton countered. He wasn't interested in Avery's animal naming style. "What about Sloth, like from _The Goonies_?"

"Nah, this cat isn't ugly. What about Tire? On account of he is black like a tire and his gray parts look like treads."

"Maybe. How about Batman?"

"Yeah, I like that name! But if we wanna name him Batman we also have to name him Bruce Wayne and that's a people name too."

"Naming a pet is hard. He needs a good name."

"I agree, Cole. Let me ask sissy if she gots any ideas."

He stood up and walked into Avery's room, where she was rocking her doll to sleep while Thomas sat at her feet.

"Hey sissy, we're havin' trouble naming our cat. Got any ideas?"

"Starshine."

"That's a girly name. Our cat is a boy."

"Oh yeah! How 'bout Gilligan?"

"Cole doesn't want a people name but Gilligan is a real good one! Maybe The Skipper. Thanks for the suggestions!"

He ran back into the bedroom and Avery clucked her tongue.

"What would they do without me, Thomas?"

The dog jumped up gently, resting against Avery's lap and licking her wrist.

"I know, baby. You remember to be good to the cat okay? I knew you would. I'm getting sleepy. Want to take a nap with me and Clover before dinner?"

Thomas jumped up onto the bed; she knew that "nap" and "bedtime" meant snuggling down into the covers with Avery and she wasn't the type of dog that minded being held tightly while she slept.

"Sissy, we got a name!" Ben announced, running back into the room just as she was throwing her covers back. "Floppers! Because he flops down on the ground real hard when he's done playing. C'mon Floppers, let's go tell mama and daddy."

He went upstairs and knocked on their door then pushed it open, finding them curled up on the bed together, almost asleep.

"We decided to call our cat Floppers."

"Okay buddy."

"Are you two takin' a nap?"

"Just for a little bit. We'll be up in time to make dinner. You kids are supposed to be resting right now."

"Sissy is. She's layin' in her bed. Me and Cole were just quietly playing with the cat. I will go lay down for a bit."

"Okay."

"Lemme c'mere and give y'all a kiss."

He trotted over to the bed and kissed them both, then headed out of the room, closing the door partway behind him.

"I had just fallen asleep," Lindsay sighed, stretching a little, then settling back down.

"Me too. I heard him coming and woke up."

"Someday they will be old enough to appreciate naps."

"I'm glad you're home," he said softly.

"Me too. It's nice to get away but it's better to come home."

"I agree. I'm sorry we fought before you left."

"Me too. We seemed to recover quite nicely from that one though."

"We're getting better at it. They say the 12 year itch is worse than the seven. I think we'll be okay though."

She chuckled and leaned up to kiss him, wondering if there could ever be a time when they truly weren't okay. She couldn't imagine getting to a point where she didn't love him, no matter how much they could bicker over silly things or fight over big ones.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Just the extent of our awesomeness."

"Have I told you that you're weird?"

"Many times but you still stay married to me so I think you must like it."

"It's a sickness."

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him but was interrupted by the door swinging open again.

"Hi, I'm hungry," Avery said simply. "An' so be Clover an' Thomas."

"But no one wants to make dinner yet."

"But I am so famished!" she argued. "I gotta feed my babies or they get taked away!"

"You know where we keep the dog food honey. Where's the bottle that came with Clover?"

"Her finished it. She's ready for big people food."

"No she's not honey."

"Fine, I ask Coley to make dinner. COLEY! You make me some food!"

She thundered out of the room and Lindsay sat up with a sigh.

"I'd better go do some damage control. You coming?"

"I guess. There's lots of leftover pizza."

"Why didn't you eat the leftovers instead of ordering more?"

"We wanted a different kind."

"You're supposed to be really good with money."

"I am. That's why I could afford to order pizza three times. Besides the boys think I'm the coolest dad ever."

"They already thought that."

"Well the extra pizza didn't hurt. Especially when I let Ben convince me to just get a dessert pizza last night. I felt sick but the kids were happy with it."

"You would do anything they asked you to."

"Probably."

"How did he convince you? Lots of reminding? The puppy-dog eyes?"

"No, he just asked me if we could have dessert pizza for dinner and I said yes."

"You're so easy. We're having nothing but vegetables and I'm telling the kids it was your idea."

"Fine."

"No sissy you messed it up!" Ben hollered angrily from the kitchen. "I telled you and telled you not to touch my art project!"

"I was just lookin'!"

"You wrecked it! Averylin Grace you are a meanie!"

"No! It be an accident Ben! I love you! I'm sorry!"

"What am I going to do?"

"I will help you fix it! I'm sorry Ben."

"You can't help me sissy. My drawing is ruined. I have to start over. Do you know how hard it is to draw a flying whale?"

"Ben, I 'pologized! You cannot talk mean to me no more!"

"Well I still feel mean! I poured my heart and soul into this for the last five minutes and you wrecked it! You wrecked it!"

Avery burst into tears of shame and presumably ran into the living room. Unspoken agreement made Lindsay follow her while Adam went to talk to Ben.

"Avery, come out from there."

"I am sad!"

"I know you're sad, but come out from there please."

Avery struggled out from behind the couch, wiping at her eyes and pushing her hair out of her face.

"Ben is not nice."

"He's very upset, but he didn't deal with that very nicely, I agree."

"It was a accident mama! I not mean to!"

"I know you didn't."

"He say my whole big name. I not like that."

"I know."

"I want help him fix it."

"I know you do honey, and that's good but I don't think there's anything you can do to help."

"He is most mad."

"He'll get over it. Ben likes to be dramatic just like you do, but it means you both get your feelings hurt very easily."

"What's dramatic?"

"It means you're a diva."

"I are not!" she exclaimed indignantly, her hands on her hips.

"Yes you are. Come on, let's go talk this over with Ben."

They went into the kitchen where Adam was leaning against the counter trying not to laugh and Ben was sitting on a barstool, face buried in his arms while he cried.

"Benjamin?"

"This is a horrible day of my life mama! Leave me to my grief!"

"I understand that you're sad about your picture but I need you to sit up and be a big boy right now. Avery apologized to you and you treated her very poorly."

"But I was so angry!"

"I know. Sometimes we say things we don't mean when we're mad. Daddy and I do it all the time. But we always apologize because we love each other."

"Well I love sissy but I don't like her much now."

"I'm sure there's times she doesn't like you much either."

"Yeah Ben I not like you today!" Avery said, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Then I will not apologize to you for my words!" Ben shot back. "You wrecked my masterpiece and ruined my life."

"I wish you was not my brother Ben!"

Both kids burst into fresh tears and Adam and Lindsay exchanged looks, at a loss for how to referee this new turn of events. Just as they were about to feebly attempt to rectify the situation Colton wandered in with his arms crossed over his chest and a long sigh.

"Ben, Aves, you two have got to calm down," he started, shaking his head. "You're not babies and you should stop acting like it. Ben, Aves said sorry and you know she didn't do it on purpose. Aves, Ben can sometimes say really mean things but he doesn't mean them in his heart. Now both of you stop crying and hug or I bet you're going to get sent to your rooms."

Avery sniffled and wiped her eyes, walking over to Ben and reaching up to hug him. It took a minute but he finally climbed off the stool and hugged her back.

"I love you Ben. I do."

"I love you too sissy but I was real distressed. My words were unkind and rude. I am sorry I treated you so terrible."

"Me too. I like you for my brother."

"Wanna go and play?"

"Okay. I will let you play with Thomas."

They ran out of the room holding hands as if the last ten minutes hadn't happened.

"Colton Matthew, you are a miracle worker."

He gave a shy shrug.

"You just have to appeal to their sensibilities."

"And how'd you know to do that?"

"Mama, when you have Ben and Aves for a brother and sister, you have to stop fights all the time. They fight every day, you just don't know because I can figure out a way to make them friends again before they start screaming."

"Will you teach us your ways buddy?"

"Well maybe if I can figure them out. I just go with whatever feels right. Plus their fighting annoys me so I do it for my own benefit too."

"When did you get so old and wise?"

"You don't have to be old to be wise, daddy."

"Well that's very true."

"Must be true. Mac was the one who said that to me. He said I have the right to refuse to let anyone look down on me because I am young. He said even if my age doesn't show it, I am turning into a good man."

"That's pretty good buddy. Mac has never even said that to me before."

"Well maybe he means it to you anyway daddy. I'd better go up and make sure they're doing okay."

* * *

"What took you so long?" Adam sighed, setting his book down on the side table. "I thought you were just going to check on the kids."

"Well I was," Lindsay answered, tossing her shirt in the hamper. "But then I looked at them all sleeping and they were so cute I just had to kiss them and everything went fine until I got to Ben…"

"And it woke him up."

"He popped up and said "Top of the mornin' to ya mama, I am a leprechaun today!" I told him it wasn't morning yet and I was just kissing him goodnight and then he made a very convincing argument that I needed to lay down with him until he fell asleep because that's only good manners apparently."

"And so you did."

"I did and he just kept talking and talking, you know how he does."

"Yes."

"It took him a while to talk about everything he'd ever thought or seen or wanted to see."

"Well no wonder you were down there for almost an hour."

"An hour?"

"Yes," he sighed tossing back the sheets for her. "An hour."

"I'm sorry. I missed him."

"I missed you."

She smiled and climbed into bed next to him, laughing softly when he pulled her into his lap and hugged her tightly, as if she might have been thinking that the vacation was too nice, she wasn't ready to be home.

"I'm not going anywhere babe."

"I know. I just need to remind you of that."

"I promise the next vacation is just you and me. Maybe the kids, we'll have to wait and see if there is a foam padded room to keep them in all day."

"They'd probably love that."

"Win-win situation then."

"Good. Now, let's move on."

"My, my, you sure know what you want," she giggled while he moved them into a more comfortable position.

"Mm-hmm. You locked the door right?"

"Of course I did. We had an understanding didn't we?"

"Yes but you also spent an unplanned hour downstairs. I wasn't sure if you were going to beg off."

"Oh whatever. There's a reason I suggested taking naps today. Doing my part to ensure the aforementioned evening processes."

"You make it sound like we're factory workers or something," he said, lifting his head up from where he'd been kissing her neck. "It kind of takes the romanticism out of it."

"Would it have been better if I called it a rendezvous instead of a process?"

"No, that makes me feel like I'm on the cover of a 1980's romance novel."

"Please don't put that image in my head."

"Bad?"

"I don't like to think of you with hair so long that it blows in the mountain wind."

He laughed and ran his finger around her ear until she let out a contented little sigh.

"You got some sun," he mentioned, his voice dropping slightly.

"A little I guess."

"Must have been wearing something cut pretty low."

"I guess. Didn't mean to."

"I like it."

"You didn't miss me, you just missed my body."

"Well, it is one of the things I like most about you."

"You're male."

"I cannot help my biological predisposition for visual stimulation. And besides if I wasn't male, this wouldn't be working out so well right now would it?"

"Touche."

"Can we stop talking?"

"Shut me up."

He smiled for just a second before kissing her deeply, his swiftness taking her slightly by surprise. He was always more slow and gentle but she didn't find herself minding this change of pace. It may have only been a few days, but he'd definitely missed her.

Less than a minute later his phone rang. He didn't seem to register the noise but she sighed, glancing at the clock and noting that if someone was calling this late it was probably important.

"Babe-"

"Do you really want me to get that?"

"No but…"

The ringing stopped and he smiled, picking up where he'd left off, only to be foiled by a second call.

"You've got to be kidding me," he sighed, rolling off of her and grabbing his phone. "Why would they be calling this late?"

"Who is it?"

"My dad," he answered, feeling suddenly that this phone call was going to be bad news. Dave never called him just to chat and certainly not at this time of night.

"Hello?"

He listened for a moment and Lindsay shifted behind him, sensing that this wasn't a misdial or a regular family phone call. His voice was panicked almost as he asked for clarification several times, body tensing up as he was given the news several times until he grasped what was being said.

Once he had, he tossed the phone onto the bed and stood up, stalking out of the room while Lindsay wondered what could have been said to disturb him so much. She scrambled for the phone, finding it finally and making sure the call was still connected.

"Hello? Dave, are you there?"

There was muffled noise on the other end and she strained to hear the words.

"Lindsay?"

"What's going on? Dave, is everyone okay?"

"It's… she… Sharon's gone."


	287. Chapter 287

He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting outside. After the initial information had sunk in, he'd retreated to the only place he could think of that might give him a little space. The back porch was small and uncomfortable, nothing more than some concrete steps from the house to the driveway. He didn't mind the numbness in his body, rather he wouldn't have minded if it had even registered. As it was he didn't notice much of anything right now.

He'd just spoken to his mom earlier in the day, confirming plans for their visit at the end of May. He'd been looking forward to spending some time with her and was hoping that they would get to spend a morning bird-watching, as they had done when he was younger and money and freedom were scarce. The older he got, especially now with the kids growing up, the more he was aware just how much his mom had sacrificed for him. Even when she'd made mistakes, she'd done everything she could to make his life as wonderful as possible. That first year after escaping his father had been amazing. Exhilarated with freedom and safety, they'd been a little reckless for a while. Nothing dangerous of course, but having ice-cream for dinner or staying up all night to watch movies had become something they shared. Money was tight but they were together, unbruised, never cowering in a corner or jumping at raised voices. It was like a rebirth for them both and he'd always looked on that time as a turning point in his life. Hearing music from that year took him right back to those days, driving late into the night with the radio on because the car had windows that could be rolled down for cooler air and their little apartment didn't. Those days were far away but right now they seemed close and he wanted to be sitting next to her in the old AMC Pacer as they drove looking at the sky.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and he glanced up, finding Austin coming to sit next to him. He gave her a questioning look, wondering why she or Danny would without fail show up in times like this. He and Lindsay would do the same thing of course but sometimes it took him by surprise how the four of them could be so loyal to each other.

"Linds called," she said by way of explanation.

"And you came? It's after midnight."

She shrugged and drew a pack of Marlboros out of her pocket, taking one out and lighting it. He looked at her for a moment, realizing that he'd never seen her with a cigarette before but he knew she used them very occasionally when she was stressed. After taking the first draw she handed it to him and he realized she wasn't doing it for herself. He held it lightly in his fingers for a moment, looking at it intently and remembering the last time he'd had one. He was fifteen, experimenting because he could and while he hadn't choked on it, he didn't find much use in it. Tonight he took a large draw anyway dismissing everything that told him it was a stupid way to cope.

"She's upstairs packing," Austin continued. "Tip-toeing around so she doesn't wake the kids. Said she doesn't know what to say so she's doing something practical because at least it's something."

"Sounds right," he said, taking another draw, then stubbing the cigarette out on the step. "I don't know what to say either."

"Do you know what happened?"

"I didn't really- couldn't really ask."

She nodded, playing with the lighter absentmindedly for a moment before shuffling her feet against the lower step, taking a deep breath of the night air.

"What are you thinking about?"

"I wish this wasn't happening."

She didn't say anything, just leaned back on her elbows, turning her face to the sky in such a serene way he wondered for a moment if it was actually Austin Messer sitting next to him and not someone from an alternate universe.

"I don't know much Adam but I know your mom was proud of you. The man you became and the father you are. All the hard things she went through were worth it because of you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I'm not stupid."

He sighed and raked his fingers through his hair.

"I didn't realize how much of my life I spent being angry with her without knowing it. Up until a few years ago, I was so mad at her for not getting out sooner. So mad that I couldn't fully appreciate everything she'd done to try and keep me safe. I wish I'd figured that out sooner. Wish I'd spent more time just being her son, you know? I should have visited or called more. I don't know why I didn't."

"Because you're human. We don't know what's going to happen in the future. We can't shift our lives accordingly. Everyone has regrets at the end."

"She's the only one who knows exactly what it was like. I guess I've always thought that my father would pass away before she did. He's in prison I know, but somewhere inside me that little nine-year-old kid is wondering why she's left me here with him."

He didn't know he was crying until he stopped talking. Austin's arm went around him tightly and he leaned into her, grateful for her silence. She may not understand specifically but she got it. He would have liked to speak more but he knew the things he wanted to share were things he'd rather discuss with Lindsay. Not that he didn't appreciate Austin, but there were times when a wife needed to trump a friend and this was one of those times.

"I'm sorry, Adam," she said after a moment.

"Thanks."

"Are you good out here?"

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Okay. I'm going to go help Linds pack. Come inside when you're ready."

He nodded and sighed as the screen door shut behind her. He only needed a few more minutes.

* * *

"How are we going to tell the kids?"

The question took Lindsay by surprise because he'd been silent for the last hour. They'd been sitting on the front porch together, watching the sun come up and sipping coffee slowly. Neither one of them had been back to bed and wouldn't have been able to sleep if they'd tried.

"I don't know."

"I don't want to do it," he said, shaking his head. "I don't think I can."

"I know. I'll do it."

"What are you going to say?"

She sighed and glanced down into her coffee mug.

"I have no idea, but I think sooner is better than later."

"What time does our flight leave?"

"Nine. Which means we need to wake them up and feed them pretty soon."

He nodded and she stood up, turning around and leaning back down to kiss him.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Thank you for telling me all those things."

He smiled, the first one he'd managed in hours, and nodded. He'd talked for so long, everything he was feeling bubbling out of him so easily that he hadn't wanted to stop. He'd shared things with her that he'd never expressed before, and he'd cried more in the last few hours than he probably had in the last twenty years. Through it all he'd been reminded why he married this woman, why he trusted her with his heart so soon and why that love and devotion had only grown over the years.

"Need me to do anything while you talk to the kids?"

"Everything's taken care of."

"Everything?"

"The bags are packed, I bought the tickets and printed the boarding passes. Checked the fridge for anything that will expire when we're gone. Made sure I had a bag of stuff for the kids to do on the plane. I called Jo about our schedules. I think I got everything. You just go shower, get dressed. Don't worry about anything else."

"What about the dog and cat?"

"Austin's checking on them while we're gone."

"How are we getting to the airport?"

"Danny."

"Is there more coffee in there?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you."

She gave him a smile and went in the house, steeling herself before going upstairs to the boys rooms. They were all just waking up, Avery seemingly slightly confused by her surroundings but soon remembering that she'd slept on the floor.

"Good morning mama! For the second time!" Ben said, rolling off his bed, tripping over his sister and fighting his way out of the blanket fort to get to her. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay. Kids, I have something to talk to you about."

Colton rubbed at his eyes and scooted over, giving her a place to sit while Ben and Avery climbed into the bed too.

"Mama, you look real sad. What happened?"

She didn't know what to say and the kids leaned against her, knowing the answer would come soon.

"I don't really know how to tell you guys this but your Gigi was very sick."

"She was? Was she throwing up a lot?"

"I make her better," Avery decided with a nod. "Make her chicken soup."

"She won't get better, will she mama?" Colton asked, his voice wavering perceptions on high alert. "Gigi died, didn't she?"

"Yeah sweetie, she did."

Tears dribbled down his face immediately and he tried to wipe them away, but they were coming too fast. Ben and Avery didn't seem to understand right away but Lindsay knew she could explain better in a moment, first she needed to make sure Colton was okay.

"I didn't even talk to her on the phone yesterday. I was playing."

"It's okay."

"It's not okay. It makes me sad. Where's daddy?"

"He's out on the front porch."

"I'm going to go talk with him."

He climbed off of the bed and went downstairs while Ben and Avery stared confusedly after him.

"Mama, what happened?" Ben asked, rubbing at his eyes. "Die is what happens in movies."

"No baby. People can die in real life."

"But why? What happened?"

"She was sick honey. They don't know exactly what happened yet but they're going to find out."

"Where did Gigi go?" Avery asked. "She go bye for a long time?"

"Yeah."

"But where to mama? Could we visit her there?"

"No we can't visit honey."

"But where is it? I want to know."

All the science in the world couldn't sufficiently answer this question for two kids and she found herself wondering why the most basic truth of death really had no good answers, and neither did she.

"I don't know Ben. I wish I knew."

"We will never talk to Gigi again? Not even on the phone?"

"No, we won't be able to do that."

"But she's our Gigi! Did she go to be a Gigi for someone else?"

"No baby."

"Then she has to belong to us!" Ben shouted, swiping at his eyes. "Me and her are buddies! She likes when I read to her on Skype! I need to go check if she is there."

"Ben-"

He didn't hear her, just ran downstairs while Avery cried.

"Mama, I am so sad. I miss Gigi."

"I know."

"Daddy says she's gonna visit soon! An' now hers not coming?"

"No."

"Oh mama!"

She began to sob, her little body shaking with the emotion and Lindsay rocked them back and forth as best she could, hoping to calm her down a little. Eventually Thomas jumped up onto the bed, licking at Avery's tears which made her half laugh, half cry.

"Mama, I want to see Gigi."

"We can't honey."

"I want to see grampa an' Hannah."

"We're going to see them later today."

"Okay. Let us go see daddy now. He needs a Avery-hug."

"He probably does. C'mon Thomas, we're going downstairs."

They made it all the way to the bottom step before they heard Ben crying. He was laying on the couch with tears streaming down his red face and Thomas trotted over, trying to comfort him.

"You were right and she was not there! Mama I need a hug."

"I do too."

She sat down with him and he held on tight while Avery reached over to pat his cheek.

"Ben, we need to make daddy feel okay. After we get our cries out, we need to hug daddy."

"Yeah we do sissy. This is the worstest day of my life what I ever lived. But I think it is the worstest, worstester day for daddy because Gigi is his mama."

He scrubbed his eyes and wiped his nose on Lindsay's shirt before standing up.

"C'mon sissy. Cole's already out there making daddy feel better. We should go help him. Daddy needs us."

* * *

"Tell to us a story mama," Avery requested, coloring on the airsick bag. "To make us feel happy."

"I don't know if I can think of one," Lindsay answered, adjusting Ben in her lap. "What kind of story do you want?"

"One what's happy," Ben requested. "Something what will make us laugh."

Lindsay sighed and glanced across the airplane where Adam and Colton were deep in conversation, watching out the window. She was worried about her husband but she knew there was nothing she could do for him right now. He needed to mourn in his own way.

"I can't think of a funny story right now kiddos. Why don't you tell me one instead?"

"Okay. Once upon a time in a faraway land, there was a frog. Sissy, your turn."

"The frog was purple an' had big toes. Ben's turn."

"The frog was named Phillip and he lived in the pond outside a great castle. One day the frog was eating some leaves and stuff and he accidentally eated a tree seed!"

"Oh Ben this is gonna be hilarious."

"And that little seed went down in the frog and then his tummy got rumbly. Then that frog began to think to himself "Hey Phillip! It seems like you need to go have some time in the bathroom!" So Phillip hopped off into the bathroom all happy-like. But once he got there, he didn't make it to the toilet. On account of his big toes had started to grow even bigger. He lookeded at them in shock!"

"And then what happened to Phillip, Ben?"

"Well then Phillip understanded that a tree was growing inside of him! And he didn't know what to do! So he hopped up to the castle, growing by the minute. And he banged on the door and ribbetted "Oh King, you must help me, a poor lowly pond frog! Named Phillip!" And then the door swinged open and out came the king. And when he was told what had happened he maked a great ruling. He holded up his scepter and speaked to all the land. And he said "Oh my loyal subjects, today we learn an important lesson. You are what you eat!""

Avery let out a loud guffaw and Ben giggled at his cleverness.

"I like that story Ben! You can remember it and tell me again later!"

"Okay sissy. Did you like it mama?"

"Yes it was very creative."

"How much longer until we get to Arizona?"

"We'll be landing in a little bit. Which means that you need to sit in your own seat."

"I liked sittin' in your lap while it lasted, mama," he said, climbing back into his seat. "When we get down there what are we going to do?"

"We're going to go to grandpa's house. After that I don't know for sure."

"I think I will like to hug grandpa and Auntie Hannah a lot. Because they're so sad. I just wish we coulda hugged Gigi one last time."

"Me too buddy."

He sighed and glanced over at Adam and Colton, wishing for a moment that he was in on their conversation. He was a boy after all, and a pretty grown up one at that.

"Could I go sit over there?"

"No sweetie, you need to stay in your seat."

"That's disappointing. On the trip back could I sit with daddy?"

"Probably."

He nodded, the motion of it reminding her how badly he needed a haircut.

"When we get there, could I call Dunner?"

"Maybe. How come?"

"He's my best buddy. And he will know just what to say to make me feel better. That's the kind of thing we do for each other."

"If we have time, you can call him."

"Time for me to rest," Avery announced, pushing the seat-back tray up, discarding her drawing on the floor and pulling her blanket around herself. "Lemme snuggle your arm mama."

"Okay baby."

The plane began to make its descent a few moments later and Ben watched out the window happily, entranced.

"Arizona is much differenter than Yew Nork, huh mama?"

"New York, Ben. And yes it is."

"I like that this is the place were daddy did all his growin' up. I wish we were here for a better reason, like just a vacation."

"I know. Sit back in your seat honey, it's going to be a bumpy ride."

He nodded and the plane landed without more conversation. It wasn't until everyone else had left the aisles that they stood up, gathering their small bags from the overhead compartment. Adam reached over and picked Avery up, cuddling her close while Lindsay finagled the bags and convinced the boys to hold hands and stay together. They didn't want to but they knew it wasn't a good time to argue, so they held hands anyway and stepped carefully off the plane.

"Sissy's not gonna wanna wake up when you put her in the car," Ben sighed as they pulled the car seats off the luggage carousel.

"I know but she's going to have to cooperate. Maybe you can be a good brother and help her to be in a better mood."

"I'll try."

The kids were patient while a car was rented and they made their way out of the airport, Avery waking up just long enough to complain that she was too hot before she was buckled into her seat.

"It's okay little sissy. We will see grandpa soon," Ben assured, reaching over to brush her curls off of her forehead.

"It's most hot here," she yawned. "I wanna swim."

"Maybe later at grandpa's house," Colton suggested. "We'll have to wait and see Aves."

"I want to sit by daddy!" she said suddenly, her eyes filling with tired tears.

"I'm driving right now, Tink."

"But I want you!"

"I know. Why don't you rest your eyes and I'll get you out of the car as soon as we get to grandpa's house."

"Okay daddy," she sniffled.

"I think we're all just outta sorts," Ben sighed, looking out the window. "We wasn't prepared for all this."

* * *

Once they arrived at the house, Lindsay realized that the brunt of the funeral planning was going to fall to her. Not that she minded in the least. Dave was unable to sit still, moving from room to room, looking at small objects intently for a moment before wandering off somewhere else. Hannah had barely said a word to anyone, not because she didn't want to but because she was having a hard time figuring out what to say. Neither of them were very functional at the moment and Lindsay tried to tick down the list of things they needed to do so she'd at least have somewhere to start.

Colton wandered off with Dave, not saying much, but joining him in his scattered wanderings through the house. Ben had decided to take care of Hannah, and was currently perched on the side of her bed, rubbing her back while she cried and telling her that he was there for her and she could cry on his shoulder "even if it is kind of a small one." Avery had jumped in to help too, preferring to sit with Adam and tell him stories. She obviously wasn't well versed in this kind of thing, but she was doing all she could to make her daddy feel okay again.

"Can I help you mama?" Colton asked, poking his head in the kitchen door. "Grandpa went out to the garage to work on his car. But I think it was to cry so I thought I would leave him to it. I'll help you make lunch instead."

"Thanks buddy."

"Oh, grilled cheese and tomato soup. That will make everyone feel a little better," he sighed stirring the soup with a worried look on his face.

"What are you thinking about honey?"

He sighed and stood there quietly for a moment and it wasn't until she lifted his chin up to look at him that she saw he was trying hard to blink back tears. Turning the stove lower, she led him over to the table and sat down, pulling him into her lap.

"I don't want you to die, mama," he announced finally, throwing his arms around her. "I couldn't take it, I would die too!"

Her heart seemed to screech to a halt as she held him, rocking back and forth while he sobbed for all he was worth. It was several minutes before he was done and even then he still hiccupped and sniffled while she wiped the tears from his eyes.

"Colton, I can't promise that everything will always be okay. I wish I could but I can't because I don't know. All I can promise is that daddy and I both do everything we can to make sure we're with you kids for a long, long time."

"You guys got too much left to teach us. I want you to be there when I become a doctor someday and when I get married and have my own kids I want you to see that. Please don't die, mama."

"I love you buddy. I will always love you, whether we're together or apart or someday when it's time for me to go. I'll love you no matter what. You can always take that with you."

"What would happen to me and Ben and Aves if you and daddy died?"

"You would either live with Austin and Danny or Mac and Jo. It would depend on who was able to give you guys everything you needed."

"We wouldn't be orphans then?"

"Of course not. Daddy and I have a will just in case anything happens. You kids are taken care of very well. You wouldn't have to worry. You would be with people who love you very much, no matter what."

"Okay."

"Do you have any more questions?"

"How can I make grandpa feel better?"

"You can't, honey. All any of us can do is just be there for him and listen when he wants to talk. Same for Hannah and same for daddy."

"Okay. I love you mama."

"I love you too Colton. Everything will be okay, you'll see."

"I'm going to go check on Ben and Aves and make sure they're okay."

"Thank you sweetie."

"And then I think I'll go check on grandpa again. Just to make sure he's doing okay. And then I think I'm going to go sit outside for a while and think things over."

"You let me know if you want to talk more, okay?"

"I will mama. Thanks."

She kissed him gently and he slid off her lap then squeezed her hand before trotting off to the other room, leaving her wondering how in the world he'd grown up so fast.


	288. Chapter 288

Lindsay and the kids returned to the city after five days in Phoenix. It had been a long and exhausting week and after the memorial service, it was important to get the kids back home and into a routine. Adam was staying for a few more days, just to be there for Hannah, but Lindsay suspected he had some private grieving to do. He hadn't been particularly talkative so she'd had to guess at what he was thinking and feeling a lot.

The day before the memorial service, Adam's brother had flown into town somewhat unexpectedly. It wasn't as if he had ever known Sharon but he wanted to be there for his brother. His presence had spoken volumes and Lindsay had suddenly realized just how close the brothers were. They never spent that much time with Tim as a family but she was wondering if that needed to change.

"Hi mama!" Avery greeted, pushing the bedroom door open and swiping her curls off of her forehead. "Guess what?"

"I don't want to guess what darlin'. It's almost your bedtime and you should be jet-laggy."

"I comed up to see ya! I learned somethin' mama!"

"What did you learn baby?"

"I learned to spell Thomas' name! Ben teached me the sounds. I finded the answer!"

"You did? All by yourself?"

"Yes! T-O-M-I-S-S! Thomas!"

She smiled delightedly and Lindsay chuckled, proud of her daughter for trying to figure something like that out, even if she didn't get it exactly right.

"Ben's a most good teacher mama. I know all them sounds of all them letters! A for Avery. Can't 'member how to spell my name again. Gotta check in the mornin'."

"Alright."

Avery sighed and rolled over onto her stomach, kicking her legs gently in the air behind her.

"Mama? Is I growin' up?"

"You sure are sweetie."

"I like it. It's most fun to be learnin' new stuff. Like spellin' an' singin' an' the piano when you gots time! An' I like bein' in charge of Thomas an' I like my chores too!"

"You like your chores huh? Would you like more?"

"I don't got time with all my learnin'! Maybe when I am twenty."

"Okay sweetie."

"Mama, how much you love bein' our mama?"

"Oh, so much Averylin. It's my favorite thing in the world."

"I like you bein' my mama," Avery confirmed with a little nod, crawling under the covers. "I wish I can 'member when I was a little teeny tiny baby an' you holded me and rocked me. Them were good times."

"Hey, I will always hold and rock you, until we're both old ladies."

Avery laughed and shook her head.

"Oh mama you are most silly and weird."

"I know, and I passed it on to you."

"You done?"

"Yes, I done."

"Ooh, who is calling you mama? Your phone makes a loud noise."

"It's Austin. I figured the loudest ringtone was perfect for her."

Avery chuckled while Lindsay grabbed the phone.

"Hey Laverne."

"Hey Shirl. You guys get back okay?"

"We're fine. Adam stayed for a little while."

"Yeah, I texted him earlier. He's vague."

"That he is. So what's up?"

"My children are all sitting here looking at me with puppy dog eyes and begging to see their counterparts. I know it's a school night and your kids are probably wiped out but…"

"Mega sleep-over? My offspring aren't going to school tomorrow anyway."

"We'll be over soon."

The rest of what Austin was saying was drowned out by the happy squealing of the Messer kids and Avery, who started jumping on the bed happily.

"Gonna see my Sarah, gonna see my Sarah!" she chanted, wiggling and clapping while she jumped. "So very most happy!"

"Avery, settle down honey."

"I'm settlin'," she sighed jumping one more time before crashing back onto the bed. "Settle on daddy's side. Smells like hims aftershave."

Lindsay smirked and watched as Avery kicked her legs silently in excitement. She was rejoicing as if all the kids had been apart for months, not just a few days.

"We'll see you in a little bit then. I've got popcorn if you can scrounge up some child-sized sedatives."

"Might be able to."

Smiling, Lindsay hung up the phone and threw the blankets off, wondering where they were going to put all the kids to sleep. All three girls could fit in Avery's bed, the boys were a different story.

"Coley! Ben! Guess what?" Avery shouted, jumping off the bed and running downstairs. "Hello! I said to guess!"

"Well for cryin' out loud sissy! What is it?"

"The Messer folks is comin'! For a sleepin' over time! An' mama speaked of popcorn!"

"Wa-hoo!" Ben shouted, jumping up from the bed and ditching his book. "That's great news, sissy!"

"I know! What you think 'bout it, Coley?"

"I think it's great," he agreed with a little nod. "I really needed to talk to Isa anyway."

"Good," Avery grinned, leaning down to look under Ben's bed. "C'mon Floppers kitty. You shall have to play with the kids. So's they get to know ya."

The cat meowed and Avery reached a chubby hand under the bed to pull her out.

"C'mon now cat. We don't got time for bein' a stub."

"What's a stub, sissy?" Ben asked, pushing her away from the cat so she wouldn't get scratched.

"Stub. It's what daddy calls me an' mama when we's bein' mouthy."

"Stubborn," Colton corrected with a chuckle. "Maybe Floppers just wants to rest. Why don't you guys leave her there and she will come downstairs once the fun starts."

"Okay! I will go fetch Thomas and meet y'all downstairs to await our friends."

Colton bit back a laugh and watched her dash out of the room while Ben shook his head.

"Cole, I think that sometimes all the craziness in our family is bottled up inside sissy. And she just gots to let it out all the time."

"Kind of like when you let the air out of a balloon but you do it really slow and it squeaks."

"Yep. That one noise what makes mama holler 'cuz it irritates her ears."

"Yeah, that one. C'mon, let's go downstairs and see if we can get some stuff cleaned up before we have company."

"That will help mama out."

* * *

"But why couldn't they say "I love you" before this?" Isa screeched, slamming her hand down on the couch. "Adults are ridiculous! Clearly they were in love with each other!"

"What makes you think that?"

"Indy didn't you see how they make love eyeballs at each other? Man, for doctors they sure are dumb!"

"I totally agree," Lindsay chuckled, watching the old medical drama play out. "I suppose we just have to imagine they got together later in life."

"Later? LATER? Ma, can't you knock some sense into this woman? Time is of the essence when you're in love! She's leaving Chicago to go to Arizona and she's leaving him behind. In his crappy life. Ug, this is so irritating. Why do you watch this for fun?"

"Because," Austin laughed. "Sometimes you just get sucked in and you can't stop watching."

"Does she ever come back?"

"Yeah, in about five years."

Isa whined and crumpled against the couch.

"I declare mutiny."

"Against what?"

"Whoever wrote this junk!"

"I think we've just witnessed Isabeth's very first fan-girl experience."

"I feel like my heart is going to bubble up out of my mouth."

"She sounds like she needs a drink," Lindsay chuckled, reaching over to rub Isa's back. "Poor thing."

"Now I know why daddy and Dum still watch cartoons."

"You're a little disenchanted huh?"

"Whatever that means. Yeah. I'm just glad the other kids went to bed so they won't see me like this."

"I think it's time for chocolate milk," Lindsay said, standing up from the couch and heading to the kitchen. "With extra chocolate."

"Yes please."

Isa snuggled into Austin's side and bit her lip contemplatively for a moment, twisting a strand of hair around her finger.

"Hey ma?"

"Yeah baby?"

"You know what's kind of weird? I really, really love Colt a lot. He's my best friend in the whole world. Someday we want to live together so we can just be with each other all the time. But I don't love him like Mark and Susan love each other. I don't want to kiss him or fall in love with him. I just want to be his best friend. Is that okay?"

"That's totally okay Isabeth. Totally normal."

"He doesn't want to marry me either. He said we would always just hang out and never get anything done."

"That's probably true."

"What's true?" Lindsay asked, coming back with three glasses of chocolate milk.

"Just that me and Colt won't ever get married."

"Oh you won't?"

"Nah. I predict that I will fall in love with a guy that Colt won't like though. And he'll have to make him prove himself. And there might be some fighting. But you know, that's just a guess."

"We're all family anyway. I don't think we need to make it legal. Besides, I don't want to think about either of you getting married just yet."

"Oh don't worry Indy. Daddy made me promise not to date until I'm 54. I might do it in secret though. If the guy is cute enough."

"Isabeth, you're going to give your daddy a heart attack."

"I won't if he doesn't know!" she defended with a shrug. "Besides boys are really stupid most of the time anyway."

"That is true but just remember us women-folk can also be highly irrational."

Isa nodded and finished off her milk, wiping her face on her sleeve.

"I'm going to try again to go to sleep. I think I will just go sleep on the floor in Avery's room because that girl sleeps all over her bed and there's no room for me when you put Sarah in there too."

"You can go sleep in my bed if you want to."

"Okay!"

She bounded off the couch and headed upstairs while Austin swirled the remains of her drink in the bottom of her glass.

"I think that last hour was the best of her life. Hanging out with her ma and her Indy?"

Lindsay chuckled and nodded in agreement.

"She's easy to please though."

"Some days."

They fell into silence and Lindsay sighed deeply, her thoughts on Adam, wondering if he was doing okay. He'd never called to say goodnight and the last time she'd talked to him he sounded so distant and sad. She knew he needed to be in Arizona right now, but she wanted him to come home so she could help him.

"Lin? You in there?"

"Yeah. Sorry."

"What are you thinking about?"

"Life. Getting old. Losing people."

"I'm not ready for that."

"I'm not either. But we're getting to that point in life where it's becoming a natural part of life."

"Geez, you make us sound so old."

"We're not, but we're older than we used to be."

"I know. I don't want to think about it."

"Okay. Let's move on to something else."

"Like what?"

"Sarah wants to go to ballet camp. It's three weeks long in Maine. Her dance teacher said she can go on a partial scholarship but she's so young. She'd be there on her birthday. It's crazy expensive and we don't know if she's going to keep up with dance long enough to justify the expense. Kids are fickle."

"Yeah, but she's been dancing since before you bought her that first tutu. Remember when you were pregnant with her and she hardly ever moved and then you would put music on and she'd go crazy? It's in her blood, Aust. No idea where she got it, but it has been and always will be a part of her."

"Maybe so. I just don't feel like she's ready yet. Not to be away that long. She's not even nine years old yet."

"It is kind of a long time."

"I'm afraid she would be homesick and would end up hating it."

"She might surprise you but you might be right too. She's so young for going away that long. If it was just a regular summer camp maybe, but three weeks of intense dancing? You don't want her to pull a Stephanie Tanner, do you?"

Austin chuckled.

"No. We have a few more weeks to decide. She wrote us this three page letter about why she wants to go and what she hopes to do while she's there and how she will do extra chores to help pay for it. It was cute and everything, I just worry that if we say no it will break her heart."

"She'll recover."

"We'll see what happens. Anything new with your trio?"

"Colton spoke at the memorial service."

"He did?"

"Yeah. It wasn't much, basically a prettier sounding obituary. He stood up in front of a hundred strangers and spoke for two minutes and his voice didn't shake, he didn't stumble over his words and he looked so grown up standing there."

"Was it his idea to do it?"

"Yeah. He said he could do it and he needed to help out so we talked it through and came up with something for him to say. I just worry that maybe it wasn't the best idea."

"Linds, he probably needed to do that as part of his grieving process. Didn't you tell me he was upset that he didn't spend enough time with her and he felt like he didn't know her? This probably helped him to feel closer to her."

"That's probably true. He's had to grow up so much. Some of it is because of everything that happened with Adam's father but a lot of it he's put on himself. I don't want him to grow up feeling like he missed out on being a carefree kid."

"Go at his speed Lin. He knows himself really well, he'll let you know if he needs to slow down."

"I might be the one with reservations."

"Our kids are growing up, that's for sure. And we can be all melancholy and dwell on what it was like when they were babies, or we can enjoy what they are now."

"Tough love, party of one."

"Hey, what am I if not your emotional compass?"

"Austin Messer, I don't know what to do with you."

"Just have my back even when I drive you nuts."

"I don't have the energy to break that particular habit anyway."

* * *

"Hey Cole," Ben started curiously, standing on a chair and looking at the crowds of people. "How many of these people do you think aren't wearin' underpants?"

Colton laughed at the joke; Danny had had to explain what going commando meant the day before, much to the delight of the boys.

"I don't get why someone would do that," Ben continued, scratching his head. "Is it more comfy?"

"Oh yes Ben, it is most comfy," Avery answered absent-mindedly, looking out the window. She realized that she'd spoken out loud too late and she immediately got a panic face, trying to come up with a cover.

"I mean, Clover telled me that!" she said finally, holding up her doll as proof. "An' Thomas, hers don't wear underwear an' hers happy as a ostrich! I wear underpants!"

She shouted the last part and covered her face in embarrassment as she realized the amount of strangers that were staring. Lindsay just sighed and picked her up wondering if other kids did this kind of stuff or if it was just hers.

"When are we going to see our daddy comin' 'round that corner?" Ben sighed. "I really miss that goofy guy."

"I miss him too buddy. Just a few minutes I think."

"Do you think daddy will be okay when he sees us or is he still going to be really sad and quiet?" Colton asked. "I don't want him to be sad anymore."

"I don't know Colton. I know he's going to be sad for a long time but hopefully soon he'll be back to being the daddy we know and love. Just give him lots of hugs, okay?"

"Alright."

Avery wiggled down to the ground then, obviously forgetting her earlier embarrassment as she spun in a slow circle and sang to herself. She was clearly tuned out to the rest of the world, lost in her head because she could be as loud as she wanted there.

"Look, it's our daddy!" Ben shrieked suddenly, jumping and pointing. Adam gave them a smile and a wave and the boys waved back knowing they couldn't rush to him in such a big crowd. What was only a few seconds felt like hours to them until Adam finally made it over to where they were. They launched themselves at him and he knelt down to catch him, hugging them both so hard that they laughed.

"I missed you guys."

"We missed you too daddy!"

"Yeah daddy, I think we missed you even more than you missed us. And I know that's quite a lot."

"That is a lot of missing. Where's your sister?"

"She's over there spinnin'. Hey sissy! Daddy is here."

Bursting into happy tears Avery ran to him, jumping into his arms and throwing her arms around his neck.

"Oh daddy, daddy, daddy. I miss you so very most! So very, very most!"

He smiled and kissed her cheeks, wiping the tears away.

"I missed you too Tink. Ready to go home?"

"You gotta kiss mama first," she hiccupped, scrubbing at her eyes. "Her done cried from missin' you."

"She did?"

"Uh-huh, very little bit. I hugged her to fix it."

Adam hugged his daughter again then stood up and looked at Lindsay, his weary eyes saying more than he ever could. She made the first move, stepping closer until their arms came around each other.

"I'm so glad you're home," she whispered. The aforementioned tears had been borne of missing him in part but also from worry about him and the fact that she couldn't make things better or know what he really needed.

"Me too. I feel a little more balanced already."

"Good. I love you."

"I love you too. Let's go home."

"I will pull your bag, daddy!" Ben offered, grabbing the suitcase. "Now you could hold mama's hand on account of it's one of your favorite things."

"Thanks buddy."

They made their way out to the car where Avery cried because she was put in her carseat away from her daddy. It wasn't long until she'd whimpered herself to sleep, head resting on her arms.

"Hey daddy we have a surprise!" Colton started, leaning up towards the front seat. "So go ahead and start guessing."

"But don't guess that we're going on a picnic on your first try because then all the fun would be gone!"

"Ben!"

"What? Oh no, I gived it away! I'm sorry!"

"Hey don't worry about it bud. I bet I could never guess what kind of food we're having."

"Nope! I won't even do a hint!"

The boys fell into a chattering conversation and Lindsay glanced over at Adam, wondering if the lines around his eyes were new or if she only saw them because she was looking for them.

"How are your dad and Hannah?"

"I don't know," he sighed, turning one of the air vents so it would hit the kids. "Dad is doing a little better I think. Going back to work soon. Hannah… I don't know. She shuts herself in her room a lot. She doesn't want to go back to school."

"She's graduating in two months."

"I know. She said it won't be the same without mom there so she doesn't want to go. She wants to come here and stay with us for a while."

"You told her yes right?"

"Yeah. On the condition that she at least finishes school, whether she does it online or actually goes back. She'll do it, for no other reason than I asked her to."

"Can I do anything to help her?"

"Maybe give her a call in a few days."

"I will. Anything I can do for you?"

"I'm good babe. Getting there at least."

"Good. I feel like we've been apart a lot."

"Me too. But I'm home now and we can find a new normal. Again."

"I think we're still searching for the first normal, to be honest."

"Glad we're on the wild goose chase together then."


	289. Chapter 289

A/N: Sorry for the filler chapter. My muse ran away with another woman or something.

* * *

"Averylin, hurry up sweetie."

"Me and Thomas are havin' trouble!" Avery hollered back. "Might need a moment."

"Colton will you go check on your sister?" Lindsay sighed, folding another beach towel.

"Sure. I bet this is going to be funny anyway. Come on, Ben."

The boys went upstairs, finding their sister in her bedroom with Thomas, who looked up at them, embarrassed. Avery was trying to put the poor dog into one of her old swimsuits.

"Thomas tuck your tail! Mama won't let me use scissors on this!"

"Sissy, what in tarnation are you doing?"

"Puttin' Thomas in a suit. So her can go to swimming lessons with me! If she looks like a girl child they will let her in. Her just can't plug her nose."

"Aves, that suit won't fool anyone. Thomas is too hairy."

"Hmm. Maybe I could shave her."

"I think she's been watching too many movies, Cole."

"Hey Aves, we didn't sign Thomas up for the class too. So they wouldn't know she's coming with you and that might not be good. Maybe we could leave her home this time and you can talk to your teacher to see if Thomas can come next time," Colton reasoned, knowing that Avery would forget about it soon anyway. "But we need to go or we'll be late."

Avery sighed and shook her head.

"Okay Coley. Help me get Thomas changed?"

He nodded and helped her with the dog, who seemed grateful to be out of the clothing and went to lay in her bed.

"What does happen at swimming lessons?" Avery asked as the sibling trio started down the stairs. "I gotta get water in mine eyes?"

"Nah, mama got you some goggles. Mostly you will just learn that the water is your friend and also how to blow bubbles. Then you will learn more the next time. But it won't be scary, I promise."

"And you boys will be there too?"

"Yeah, we're going to be swimming with the Messers in the other pool," Ben answered with a nod. "And then when your class is over you can come play with us. Mama said we could spend most of the day there. We can even eat lunch! And then afterwards we're going to go to the splash pad to see Teagan and Liam on account of we never see those kids much and they are part of our family too."

Avery nodded and skipped into the living room, hands behind her back.

"Hi mama. Do I look like a beauty in my new suit?"

"You sure do honey."

"When I learn to swim we will go to the ocean again, okay?"

"Alright."

"Mama, why is you so blue today?"

"I'm not blue sweetie. Just a little tired because of how hot it is outside. I didn't sleep so good last night."

"Oh. You can come sleep in my room tonight! It's not hot in there."

"I think daddy and I are going to sleep down here until we can get the air conditioner fixed."

"Hmm. It is most work to keep the house good huh mama?"

"Yes it is. Boys are you ready to go?"

"I sure am!" Ben said enthusiastically, pulling his goggles out from his face and then letting them snap back. "Ow, that smarts!"

Colton chuckled and grabbed one of the bags and Avery's hand, heading outside to the car while Ben followed behind, rubbing at his eyes. Lindsay made sure the house was locked then helped the kids into the car, buckling Avery in, cursing when the heat from the seatbelt burned her hand.

"Oh mama that was a bad, bad word."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I never heared that from you a'fore."

"I won't say it again, baby."

"You need a time out."

"Hey, don't get carried away."

Avery chuckled and soon they were on the way to the pool, kids chattering happily despite the summer heat. The last few weeks had been hard as Adam had dealt with losing his mom, but things had been getting better in the last few days. He wasn't moping as much anymore and several times he'd outright laughed at the antics of the kids, who had been doing their best to "cheer his face" as Avery said. Lindsay was less worried about him than she had been but she'd worn herself out trying to get him to talk. She'd finally had to face the fact that he was just going to have to go at his own pace, whether she liked it or not.

"Hey Cole did you bring the dive sticks?"

"Yeah, I put them in the bag."

"Good. I want to see if I can get them in the deep end. It's my goal for this summer. Mama said we could spend lots of time at the pool on account of it's a cheap thrill and it means she can read a book in peace and quiet."

"I really want to jump off the high dive," Colton said with a nod. "I think I will make that my goal. It's just so far up there, I don't want to do a belly flop."

"Maybe you will have to practice more Cole, on the little dive. I can watch you and give you scores, like in the Olympics! What's your goal for the summer sissy?"

"I'm hungry," Avery replied, rubbing her stomach. "Mama, could I get a snack?"

"Not before you swim honey. Why don't you tell your brothers what your goal for the summer is."

"I said to get a snack!"

"Aves if your goal is to get a snack then next summer your goal will be to lose weight."

"I'm fabulous how I are!" she shouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I know that Aves. You'd be pretty and smart no matter what. But you can't eat all the time. How about a swimming type goal?"

"Oh. I wanna swim by myself. With no help. That will be my goal."

"That's a good one sissy! I bet you could do it. Wanna know what else I want to do this summer? I want to read a whole chapter book, one what Cole read when he was my age."

"Ben when we get home, I'll find all my favorite books from back then, okay? It's a good thing that I write in them when I start and finish. I think daddy has read most of them to us before bed but maybe we'll find one that you don't know yet."

"Thanks Cole! What kind of other thing do you want to do this summer besides the diving?"

"I don't know. I want to learn something new or find a new hobby or something. I will have to think about it. Aves?"

"Daddy an' me decided I will ride my bike with no little tires!"

"You mean training wheels?"

"Yep those! Daddy's gonna teach me."

"That's good. Daddy teached me too sissy. Many years ago. Maybe next summer my goal will be to ride a unicycle. Think I could try that mama?"

"We'll have to wait and see, Ben."

"Okay. Hey we are almost at the pool! I can't wait to see Dunner. It's been three whole days."

"Wow, that's like a lifetime," Lindsay chuckled.

"Yep, feels like it. We really gotta figure out how to talk to each other telepathically. Sometimes I got so much to tell him when we have to save it up for a lot of days."

"How come you guys don't talk on the phone or Skype like me and Isa do?"

"We prefer the face-to-face approach."

Lindsay snickered and turned the radio up a little to mask it. No one ever knew the things that were going to come out of Ben's mouth but she was glad she was able to catch so much of it.

"We are here at the pool!" Avery shouted suddenly. "This is wonderful! This summer is so very most great."

* * *

Lindsay kept a careful eye on the boys splashing and swimming in the big pool, occasionally glancing over at the smaller pool where Avery was having her swimming lessons. She'd shrieked and cried and refused to dip even a toe into the pool until Lindsay had administered some tough love and walked away. Avery was content to blow bubbles with the other kids almost instantly. Most of the time she was good and reasonable but occasionally her theatrics were a little too much.

"Hey ma, I'm going off the high dive," Sarah shouted, giving Austin a wave as she ran past.

"No you're not, Sarah Claire."

"Why not?"

"Because I said no."

"Why did you say no?"

"Well, um…" Austin started, trying to riddle out exactly why she didn't want her daughter jumping off the high dive. Lindsay smiled, awaiting the explanation as well. Austin couldn't very well say it was dangerous; her kids all knew that danger had never stopped her before.

"Ma, hurry up. I'm going to chicken out if I have to wait too long."

"Alright, go ahead but be careful."

Sarah grinned and dashed off to the high dive, climbing the ladder quickly and standing at the edge of the board, looking cautiously down at the water.

"Hey guys, watch this!" she hollered before jumping off and into the water. Colton and Isa looked on jealously, somewhat scared, but clapped for her when she came back up and swam over to them.

"Did you see that?" she squealed. "My heart is pounding! That was so scary! I want to go again."

Climbing the ladder on the side of the pool, she rushed back to the diving board, then stopped halfway and came back to where Austin was sitting.

"Ma?"

"Yeah sweetie?"

"I don't want to tempt fate again. Tell me I can't go."

"Sarah, I don't want you to go up there again."

"Okay ma."

She skipped back to the pool, making her excuse to the other kids before tossing one of the diving sticks into the water for Ben.

"Thanks Sarah!" he grinned before diving deep to retrieve it.

"Do you guys want to play Marco Polo or something?" Isa asked, her long hair swishing in the water.

"How about that other game where you say a swear underwater and everyone has to guess which swear it was?" Junior suggested with a cheeky grin.

"I don't like that one," Isa sighed. "I swear better on dry land. Hey ma! Indy! What are some games us kids could play?"

"I don't know. Did anyone bring a beach ball?"

"We did but it has a hole in it."

"Guess you're just going to have to be creative."

Grumbling, the kids began to discuss what to play while Avery came sauntering over, her towel thrown over her shoulder.

"Hello mama."

"Hey baby. How was your lesson?"

"Most hard. The other kids could not float like me," she reported with a sigh, climbing onto Lindsay's chair with her. "Is it time to eat?"

"Not just yet honey. Do you want to play with the big kids?"

"No, it is rough in there," she answered, watching as Sarah sneakily body-checked Isa into the pool, much to the delight of the boys. "I will snuggle with you."

"I won't argue."

"Hey Austin?"

"Yes Avery?"

"Can Sarah and me have a sleepover?"

"Tonight? Maybe. I'll think about it."

"Okay."

"Why don't you come over here and snuggle with me?"

"Well Austin, my mama is the best for snugglin'," she explained. "See how nice I fit like this? And she smells most lovely. Mama snuggles are most best because her holds my little hand, see? And sometimes she plays with my fluffy hair. I like it right here."

"Okay then. Maybe later?"

"Oh of course! You smell pretty too Austin!"

"Thanks honey."

"You're welcome!"

She pulled her towel over her head and settled down for a little snooze while Junior pulled himself out of the pool.

"Ma, my band-aid is comin' off," he said, pointing to one of the many that littered his arms and legs. "Could ya rip it so it don't fall off in there and gross people out?"

"Why didn't you just do it?"

"It's a job for a ma!"

"Oh Dan-yo, I will do it," Avery sighed, sitting up and leaning over to grasp the band-aid. "Do not cry, this will be fast. One, two, three!"

She yanked the band-aid off then made a face and dropped it on the ground.

"Thanks baby Aves."

"I am not a baby, Dan-yo. Ben gets hisself a knuckle sandwich if he call me baby. Only mama can call me baby."

"Sorry, it slipped out. I know you're not a baby, Aves. You're just kinda precious is all."

"Oh. I could deal with that."

He gave her a crooked smile then ran back to the pool while she sighed.

"What a boy."

Lindsay and Austin stifled their laughter while Avery continued to shake her head and mutter to herself.

"What are you sayin' over there Avery?"

"I's just thinkin' 'bout how Dan-yo is a gross boy but also he is cute like a prince charming. How come boys could be both?"

"Oh Averylin, you will spend your whole life trying to answer that question."

"My whole life mama? Aw man! I will just ask daddy. He is a boy. He will know."

"You'll have to ask really nicely to get him to tell you."

"I will make my sweet face and blink my pretty eyes a lot. He will tell me then."

"Alright baby."

* * *

"Adam? Are you coming to bed tonight or are you going to stay up?" Lindsay asked, finding him sitting at the computer. She yawned and leaned against the doorway, squinting her eyes at the light from the screen.

"I'll be up in a bit."

"What are you doing?"

"Just some research. Come on, let's go to bed."

She frowned at his evasive answer but took his offered hand anyway, following him upstairs, stopping for a moment to check on the kids. Ben had insisted on wearing his goggles to bed and Lindsay carefully slipped them off, rubbing his face where there were marks. He sighed and reached up for her hand, giving it a squeeze before rolling over. She moved over to check on Colton, pulling the book out of his hand and putting it on the table next to the bed before kissing him softly.

Avery was sprawled out in the middle of her bed in just her underwear, snoring in a deep bass while the dog slept undisturbed next to her. Adam pulled a light blanket over her, brushing her tangled hair back from her face and kissing her cheek while she sighed and slid her thumb into her mouth. He removed it with a gentle tug and she whined, then pulled one of her stuffed animals closer. He stood there for a moment just looking at her, holding her hand and wishing his baby girl wouldn't grow up quite so fast.

"Adam, are you coming upstairs?"

He nodded and followed her, shedding most of his clothes and tossing them in the hamper before climbing into bed.

"You want to tell me what you were doing down there?" she asked in a soft voice once they were settled.

"Going over our wills."

"Adam."

"It's important. We haven't updated them since Avery was a baby. We need to do that. We need to have things in order."

"I know."

"We need to move forward with this adoption thing too."

"Now?"

"Yes. International adoption is getting dicey. We're going to be too old soon. Some countries are closing down their programs. I know domestic is still an option but we need to get on the ball either way."

"Okay."

"We need to figure out which agency to go through and we need to get ready for a home study."

"Adam, I know. But we can't do that right this minute. You're dealing with a lot of things right now and I think you need to put some things off to the side for a while."

"You're probably right."

"Of course I'm right babe. That's why you married me."

"Among other things."

He smiled and kissed her forehead and she reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze.

"Are you alright honey?"

"I'm fine Linds."

"You never talk to me about things. I don't know what you're thinking anymore."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like that."

"Well?"

"I'm alright. I miss my mom and I wish that I had more time with her, but I don't think there was anything left unsaid. I know that she and I were fine and I don't regret anything. It's okay."

"You know you can talk to me if it's ever not okay."

"I know. I'm just not used to letting you take care of me."

"Hey, if I can wash your dirty clothes then I can surely listen to you."

"You're wonderful, you know that?"

"You tell me a lot."

He gave her a smile and reached over to turn the light out then leaned down to kiss her, finding himself suddenly desperate to touch and hold her. It took her by surprise but she went with it, pulling him closer and letting him slide over her.

"You know, we haven't done this in a while," she noted after a moment.

"Yeah. Life and all that."

"Hmm. We should probably not let that happen again huh?"

"Yeah sure. Let's not let that happen again. But don't pause the process right now by trying to have a discussion?"

The grin he flashed her was enough to let her know that he was teasing.

It was just a few minutes later when the bedroom door flew open, forcing them to both stop what they were doing and look to see who had interrupted them.

"Hello folks," Avery greeted, hand thrown in the air. "I am here."

"What are you here for?"

"Because," she answered, shuffling her feet in the doorway while Adam peeled himself off of his wife.

"Averylin, why are you wearing your swimsuit?" Lindsay asked, eyes adjusting to the light from the hallway.

"Why not?" Avery shot back, her hands on her hips.

"Honey, you don't have to wear your underwear underneath it."

"I wanted to!" she defended. "A'sides, it looks like I got cute rufflies on the sides now!"

Adam burst into laughter and fell back against the bed, covering his mouth as to not embarrass Avery, who had wandered over to the mirror and was admiring her outfit.

"Sweetheart, it's bedtime right now."

"Oh, it is?"

"It's still dark out. Why don't you go back to bed for a while?"

"Oh. Well could I go swimming now?"

"Not now. Maybe tomorrow I'll turn on the sprinkler for you."

"Alright! So you say it is bedtime now?"

"Yes honey."

"Hmm. Okay. I could go sleep on the floor of my brothers?"

"Sure honey."

"Okay. Sayonara."

She wandered out of the room while her parents laughed together for a few minutes before another one of their children came to join them.

"I figured out what I want to do for the rest of the summer," Colton announced. "Mama would it be okay if I took over the garden? I think I want to be responsible for it. Could I?"

"Probably. We'll talk about it in the morning though, okay?"

"Alright. I just had to ask right away before I forgot. I'll go back to bed now."

"Hey Colton?"

"Yeah?"

"Is Ben still asleep?"

"Yeah, he's snoring a little."

"Okay, thanks."

"Why did you ask daddy?"

"Just making sure that we don't get another visitor."

"What?"

"You'll understand later in life buddy."

"Alright then."

He left the room, shutting the door behind him.

"So um… totally not in the mood anymore," Lindsay confessed, running her fingers through her hair. "I wish I was, don't get me wrong."

"Are you kidding me right now?"

"No."

"That's it, we're going away for a weekend. Or making the kids to go bed with bells around their necks so we know when they're hopping out of bed to tell us one last thing."

"I owe you one."

"You owe me two."

"Okay, I'll owe you two. Either way I'm glad I married you."

"You'd better be."

"Don't look at me like that, you're making me change my mind again!"

He just chuckled and rolled towards her, waggling his eyebrows.

"What's this face do for you?"

"Just makes me laugh."

"I guess I'm glad I married you too."

"I'll wake you up early, babe. Goodnight."

"I have the patience of a saint."


	290. Chapter 290

A/N: I am so sorry it's taken me so long. I've been spreading myself too thin writing-wise and that coupled with going on vacation and work being less than satisfactory… well, I'm sorry to those of you who are still out there.

* * *

Summer had flown by much too fast. The nights were getting colder, days shorter, and the kids had moved on from excitement over swimming and sprinklers to school supplies and new clothes. Colton was looking forward to being a fifth grader and going on more field trips while Ben was just excited to try out another grade to see if he liked it. Avery wanted to go to school with the boys but was content with preschool for one more year, and looking forward to starting gymnastics classes again. Everything seemed to be moving quickly as the kids grew out of their old clothes and found new hobbies, but for one day they were all going to slow down, take a few hours off and spend some time outside.

"Are we almost at the lake?" Colton asked for the fourth time. "And why couldn't I ride with Isa?"

"We'll be there in about five minutes, and you couldn't ride with Isa because they've been at the lake for three days already," Adam answered, glancing into the back seat. "Why didn't you want to ride with us?"

"Because me and Isa have a lot to talk about. I guess we will just talk at the lake. Hey Ben, what are you and Junior going to do?"

"I don't know! We might play the Three Amigos on account of Liam will be there and that makes three dudes! Or maybe something else with three. I don't know yet. Sissy?"

Avery was quiet as she looked out the window, concentrating on something other than the conversation in the car.

"Hey sissy, I asked you something."

"Oh. What?"

"What will you do at the lake?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "Sarah always plays with Coley an' Isa now, not me. But maybe Teagan will play with me instead. If she does not, I will just eat snacks or something."

"Are you sad, sissy?"

"Kind of. I am too little to be Sarah's best friend now. She is nine whole years old. I am only four. That is a lot of spaces."

"You can still be best friends, Aves. Me and Isa are different too. She's a girl and I'm a boy. We like lots of different things but she is still my best friend."

"Yeah, and me and Dunner don't got much in common 'cept we love each other a lot! You and Sarah like lots of the same stuff and you love each other! You can still be best friends."

"Her doesn't want me. Her is too old and I am too little. The end."

"Aves, did she tell you that?"

"No, I just knowed it. Sarah is most taller than me. I am just a little tiny girl an' she is a big girl. She does not play dolls much no more, and she don't like dress up neither."

"Maybe it's just a phase, Aves. I bet she still loves you. Sarah is good at loving people all the time."

Avery just shrugged.

"It is okay. Me and Teagan have lots of fun. She is not a lot bigger than me. She is only six an' she likes dolls still."

"I hope you don't feel too sad, sissy. I don't like when you are not smilin'."

"I will be smiling soon Ben. For mama said we get a snack at the lake."

"That is good! Daddy said maybe there is paddle boats what we could go on! I never seen a paddle boat before but it sounds cool."

"Hey Ben, if there are paddle boats, I will go on one with you okay?"

"Awesome! Thanks Cole!"

Avery suddenly let out a loud shriek, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Daddy, park the car! I seen Mac an' Jo over yonder!"

"Let me find a spot sweetie," Adam chuckled, navigating the car around the small parking lot.

"Oh I have missed mine Jo!" Avery said, staring out the window and waving. "I just love her so very, very most."

"I think we all do," Ben agreed, tossing his seatbelt off when the car came to a stop. "Yahoo! Our lake day is starting!"

The kids tumbled happily out of the car and ran for Mac and Jo, who set their things down so they could hug the kids.

"C'mon Mac, let's go swimming'," Ben said, taking his hand. "I ain't even scared of no lake monsters or slime!"

"You ain't?"

"That's the proper way of sayin' I'm not. Mama says it you know."

"I know."

"Let's go now. You can swim with me and Dunner."

Mac didn't protest any more as Ben drug him down to the lake. Colton and Avery helped to carry the stuff that Mac left behind, chattering excitedly as they got closer to the water.

"Hey Isa!" Colton shouted, spotting his friend at the waters edge.

"Colt! You guys got here early! Ma said you wouldn't be here until almost lunch time."

"Daddy and mama made us leave early."

"Sweet. Want to run?"

Colton nodded and the two of them took off down the beach, Sarah on their heels. Avery sighed to herself and sat down in the sand next to Jo's chair, stripping her shirt off to reveal her swimsuit, then tossing it to Lindsay who had finally made it to the beach, laden down with the days supplies.

"Mama, I need that lotion stuff on me so I don't get more red."

"I know. Let me find it."

"I'm cookin', mama."

Lindsay chuckled and found the spray can in the bag, applying it to Avery's skin and knowing she would probably need another coat in an hour.

"Alright sweetie, you're covered. Go play."

"I will build a sand castle," she decided. "It will be glorious."

She skipped away, closer to the water where the sand was wet, leaving Lindsay and Jo to chuckle at her antics.

"That girl has such a southern accent. Are you certain you haven't been teaching it to her?"

"She drawls all on her own," Adam said, setting the cooler down next to Lindsay's chair. "I'm going to go get Ben before he tires Mac out too much."

"With his zest for life or his constant chatter?"

"Both."

He left them for the water and Lindsay turned to Jo with a chuckle.

"Last night Avery was asking how you can be like her grandma if a grandma is a mom to a mom or a dad. I said that our family does things a little differently and she gives me the strangest look and says "Then how come you look like you's lots older'n Jo? You gots more crinkles on yours face!" I didn't know what to say so I told her you were magic."

"I am magic," Jo replied with a laugh. "That and good genes. Did you explain to her that crinkles are from laughing?"

"Yeah. She told me she needed to stop laughing so much so she didn't look thirty because that is "most old-ish." Talk about kicking me when I'm down."

"That child is the best thing that ever happened to the world."

"Then Ben piped in with an enthusiastic "I don't care how old you are mama! You still look pretty okay!" I asked him if he would tell me when I looked old and he said no because he needs to spare my feelings."

"They have so much Adam in them, it's frightening."

"Wouldn't trade them for anything," Lindsay said as Austin came over, plopping her chair down too.

"Trade who?"

"The kids."

"I'm with you now. Go on."

"There wasn't more than that, they're just weird."

"This morning when Daniel woke up he rolled out of his bed, crawled into the kitchen and licked my leg. I asked what in the world he was doing and he said he dreamed that he was a dog and just wanted to try it out for real. Then he told me my leg was prickly and I needed to fix it."

"Nothing like a well-intentioned child to put you in your place," Jo chuckled.

"I was just glad no one else was around or I would never have heard the end of it."

"Hey mama what do you think about this what I got?" Ben shrieked happily, running up the beach with a handful of lake sludge. "Pretty awesome, no?"

"No."

"It's got lots of cool smells and feels in it! Try it out!"

"No thanks buddy. You're dripping on me."

"Sorry 'bout that. I will go show this to someone what will 'preciate it. Hey sissy and Dunner lookit this nasty business what I scooped up!"

"You know, I think if our kids didn't have each other, they wouldn't have any friends at all."

"Hey now, you've got to admit, they're pretty darn cute sometimes."

"Sometimes, but I think you're not paying attention to the fact that your two angels are having a slap fight, Linds."

"How quickly the tide can turn."

* * *

"Hey Teagan," Avery started curiously, putting a pebble on the top of her sand castle. "How come you an' Liam is the same age of six?"

Teagan giggled.

"Because we were born at the same time."

"Oh, I see. So you don't got a big brother, nor a little brother, you just got a same brother."

"Yep!"

"Don't you think it would be 'citing if your mama haved another baby?"

"Nah, I like our family how it is. Babies cry. And poop."

"My baby Thomas, her does that too. Not the cry part, the other one. But I love her."

"I wish I had a dog all my own," Teagan confessed with a sigh. "My daddy says no dogs 'til we get older. And you got a cat too, huh?"

Avery nodded.

"Yep, hers called Floppers. She 'longs to the boys. Hey, do you wanna come over to my house and play with me sometimes?"

"Really? Yeah! I would like that a lot. I don't get to go to lots of people's homes and everyone else always has more fun toys. I played with mine too much and they are boring."

"I have great toys! I got lots of dolls and stuffies, and there is a clubhouse and even sometimes mama lets me do finger painting outside! We would have so much fun! You and me like the same kind of stuff too huh?"

"Yeah. What is your most favorite thing to play?"

"Oh boy that is a big question! I like playin' with Thomas of course and I love my kitchen and my dolls. What do you like to play?"

"My favorite thing is animal doctor. I get all my stuffies and I make them all better."

"That sounds fun! We could play that at my house!"

"Will Sarah come too?"

"No, she is too old for me. She doesn't like pretending games much anymore."

Avery fell quiet, staring down at the sand and sniffling while Teagan patted her shoulder.

"Know what Avery? Maybe I am not your best friend like Sarah and we kind of live far apart but you and me have been friends for a long time and I like you a lot. It's okay if you and Sarah grow apart from each other because you still have me as your friend."

"You mean that?"

"Yep! And maybe after a little while Sarah will miss being your best friend and she will play with you again."

"Maybe. But today you and I could play. What do you want to do now?"

"I don't know. Want to go see if there is any watermelon left?"

"Oh yes, so most! You got the bestest ideas Teagan!"

"Come on, my daddy knows I love watermelon and he can't say no to me. He says I look just like my mommy and pretty ladies won't be denied."

"I like that," Avery chuckled, standing up from the sand and dusting herself off. "Your daddy is very goofy, Teagan. Does he make you laugh and laugh all the time?"

"Yeah. He does really good funny voices when he reads to us and he tickles me and Liam very much."

"All us kids got really silly daddies. I think that is fun."

"Me too. Someday I will get married to a guy that is silly also."

"I like a silly man too but I will wait a long time until he is not gross, you know?"

"Oh yeah, I know. Daddy! You got any more watermelon for your favorite daughter?"

Flack chuckled and checked the picnic table, coming up with a small bowl of leftover fruit.

"Here you go. Are you going to share it?"

"Yeah, me and Avery are taking a snack break before we make the moat on our castle. And then we're going to fill the moat with water and put some goldfish crackers in it! Isn't that a great idea?"

"I think so," he laughed, watching as the girls sauntered off together.

"Hey girls, wanna play with us guys?" Junior asked, running up the beach to them. "We could think of something real awesome."

"I don't know. Avery, do you want to play with the boys?"

"Hmm. I dunno. You sure you got something real good?"

"Well, maybe if you help us think of something."

"Maybe we could give it a shot, huh Teagan?"

"Yeah, let's go for it."

"Alright boys we will play with you."

"Sweet! Hey Ben and Liam, they said they would play! Hurry up and help me bury them in the sand."

"I did not sign up for that, Dan-yo!" Avery scoffed, her hand on her hip.

"Don't worry Aves, it will be fun. I will even go first and show you."

"Oh fine. But I don't want no sand in my suit, okay?"

"It's a deal."

* * *

"You guys are gross."

Lindsay pulled her glance away from Adam and glared at Austin, wondering what had brought on such a statement.

"Huh?"

"That man has kissed you every single time he's walked by," Jess answered with a snicker. "And he's gone out of his way to walk by about twelve times."

"So?"

"Every single time."

"We had the biggest fight of our entire relationship last night and he's just trying to make sure I know there's no hard feelings."

"Your big fights usually last about two seconds and end with you both laughing about your impressions of each other."

"Well this one lasted more like four hours and there was name calling and throwing things, but it did end with us both laughing so I guess that's okay."

"What could you two have possibly fought about?"

"It started over something stupid and before I knew it we were screaming at each other about things that happened years ago, things neither of us cared about, and the fact that the other person's screaming was going to wake the kids up. It ended with both of us standing in the kitchen breathing like we'd just run a marathon, then bursting into laughter because I broke that ugly plaque his grandmother gave us for a wedding present and we've both hated it for years and… needless to say, we made up and went to bed and didn't discuss it anymore."

"I don't know if that's unhealthy or genius," Jess chuckled, watching her kids out of the corner of her eye.

"It works for now. He said something about the twelve year itch and maybe that was us getting over it but I'm wondering if the psychological studies of the world are going to throw a sixteen year itch at us next."

"I wish Danny and I fought like that. We stay mad for days."

"I always make sure Don apologizes first, even if I was wrong, which I am a lot. Keeps the magic alive a little."

Jo just shook her head at the three women. Mac was too passive to ever argue with her and she was too optimistic to ever argue something for very long. Clearly they all had different ways of interacting within their marriages but no one seemed to be doing a bad job of it.

"Daniel Messer, let Ben go!" Austin hollered, finding her son with an expert head-lock on his best friend.

"Aw ma, we're just wrestlin'!" he protested, letting Ben go anyway.

"Yeah Austin, just wrasslin'," Ben agreed with a nod. "It was my idea! I need to learn some new moves on account of I am almost a second grader."

"Yeah, Binyin said I could head-lock him."

"Sissy volunteered to sit on me but I didn't want to die today."

Austin snickered as the boys jogged up the beach to explain why they were wrestling and why Ben felt that wrestling with his brother just wasn't cutting it anymore.

"But why do you need to learn to wrestle?" Jo asked.

"Because that is what boys do. Girls play dolls together, boys wrestle and spit!"

"Yeah Jo. Besides, if you squint your eyes, it looks kinda like huggin'."

"You boys are something else."

"We know! Come on Binyin, let's go over there and maybe you could flip me over your shoulder."

"Woot!" Ben hollered, following Daniel back towards the water. "I bet I can't but it will be fun to give it a whirl."

"Ben Ross, the constant optimist," Jess noted with a chuckle. "If only we could all look at the bright side that much."

"He is pretty positive," Lindsay agreed. "But he has his moments of "distress and despondence" as he calls it. The other day I found him crying in his room and when I asked him what was wrong he said that he didn't have to justify himself to me. I haven't bugged him about it since."

"Linds, I think you should write a book about all the strange things your kids do. I would read it."

"I could write a whole chapter on the drama surrounding Avery's diary and Ben reading it."

"Avery can't write."

"I know. According to Ben it's just a book full of scribbles, except for a few names that she can write. According to Avery, it's all her most personal secrets and Ben shouldn't have read it. We had to have a very long talk about privacy. Which didn't really sink in, since they both busted in on me in the bathroom later that afternoon."

"That's parenthood," Jo commented. "I don't think I had a moment actually to myself until Ellie was ten."

"Marriage isn't any different. I went to take a bath last week, just to escape all the craziness and within ten minutes Danny was knocking on the door, asking me where the frying pan was, was the dishwasher ready to go, were the clothes in the washer clean or dirty, did I pay the electric bill and my favorite "You've been in there forever, I miss you!" I chalked it up to a loss after fifteen minutes and resigned myself to this life until he kicks the bucket."

"But then you have to move in with me because you promised," Lindsay reminded her with a grin.

"Yeah, once we're both widows we're going to party it up!"

"I just hope it doesn't happen for another hundred and forty years or so."

"True that."

A loud and excited holler went up from the kids who were grouped around their fathers all discussing something loudly. After a while they disbanded, heading towards the volleyball net that Mac had just set up. The kids stood on one side while Adam, Danny and Flack stood on the other, each team seemingly discussing strategy.

"Oh, this is going to be good," Jo chuckled. "I don't know which group is more inept."

"I'm placing my bets on the kids for the win," Jess decided, lowering her sunglasses to get a better look. "Only because I'm totally certain that Danny and Don are going to bicker the entire time, leaving poor Adam to actually try and play."

"And his coordination skills leave a lot to be desired," Austin agreed. "Sorry Linds, you married a klutz."

"But a cute klutz. He falls pretty well."

"Is Mac seriously being the referee? I think he's partial to the kids."

"He has a whistle. For the love of all things sports related, the man brought a whistle. Why isn't anyone recording this?"

"Because no one else would find it funny."

Avery ran up the beach towards them, crying for all she was worth and tripping halfway there because she was so distraught.

"Baby, what's the matter?" Lindsay asked, pulling the little girl into her lap.

"They said I are too short! I cannot play! I not like being the most little!"

She burst into fresh tears and buried her face in Lindsay's hair, mumbling her disappointment.

"Did you ask them to find a place for you to play too?"

"Yes! Coley said I can go be a ref'ree with Mac! I not wanna do that, I wanna play!"

"Do you want me to talk to your brother for you?"

"No! All them kids voted an' I got kicked out! Sarah said it is for they don't want me to get hurt. But I want to play anyway!"

"I know you're frustrated honey, but there is a good chance you'll get hurt out there. If you are okay with taking that risk then I want you to march over there and tell the kids that you have just as much right to play as they do."

"I are defeated, mama. I can want to play but they will not let me."

"Averylin Grace, since when did you stop standing up for yourself?"

"Since today!"

"Are you going to sit here and cry about this or are you going to do something?"

Avery sat up and wiped her eyes, sniffling for a moment before she made up her mind.

"I could use bad words when I talk to them kids?"

"No, you may not use bad words."

"Oh alright. I will go now an' tell them what I think."

She squared her shoulders and marched off with her hands on her hips, hollering at the kids when she reached them. An argument ensued between her and Colton, the latter of which finally conceded and let her join in under strict instructions to be very careful. Satisfied, she sat down in the sand and began to bury herself, impeding everyone else's fun.

"I guess I have to go over there," Lindsay sighed, standing up from her chair and heading over to Avery, crouching down to talk to her. "Baby, if you want to play with the kids then you need to get up and play the game. You can't just sit in the court like this."

"You said I could play!"

"Yes I did but I meant that you could play volleyball. If you want to play in the sand then come sit by me."

"I are not too little mama!"

"Alright, you need to come with me and have a snooze."

"I could take a nap?"

"Yes, of course."

"Oh good! I been fightin' my sleepy for most long! We will snuggle?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay! Bye kids! I get to go snuggle with mama!"

* * *

"What a long and happy day we had," Ben mused, taking his glasses off and setting then next to his bed.

"Yeah, it was a pretty long day," Colton yawned. "Only the weekend and then we go back to school."

"Yep! I'm gettin' excited for that. Are you too Cole?"

"Yeah, I like school."

"Me too! Mostly I like the part of having lots of friends and playing and stuff. I don't like the learning part so much because teachers don't like when I ask so many questions."

"Sometimes if you just wait they will answer the question before you ask it."

"Oh they will? Wow, that's nifty! I will remember that. Do you think that sissy will have fun at preschool? Sometimes I worry about her."

"Why do you worry Ben?"

"Oh because she doesn't have a best friend at school. It's just her by her own self. I just don't want her to feel bad. Mama says that sometimes if girls feel bad like they have no friends when they are little they will grow up and still feel sad. I don't want sissy to be sad."

Colton was quiet for a little while, pulling back the covers on his bed and climbing beneath them.

"Hey Ben, I should talk to you about something."

"What's that Cole?"

"Come over here and sit by me so I can talk quieter. I don't want anyone to hear."

Confused, Ben crossed the room and sat down next to his brother, concerned about that he was going to say.

"What's the matter?"

"When you were just little, mama was really sad for a while. I don't remember a whole lot of it but she didn't play with us much and sometimes she stayed in her bed all day. Daddy tried his best to help her and eventually she got happy again. But I heard her and daddy talking a while ago and mama says that she is worried that us kids will grow up and be sad like she was. She said she's especially worried about Aves. I think that you and me need to start protecting Aves feelings and her heart more. I don't do a good job of it because sometimes she drives me nuts, but you're really good at making sure she's happy. So I think we should team up together to make sure that even when Aves is lonely or if she feels bad about herself, we make her feel better. Isa told me that lots of girls she knows feel like they are ugly and stuff and I don't want Aves to feel like that because it would make her sad, right?"

"Girls sure go through a lot huh?"

"Yeah, they do. That's why Aves has us. Because we will always love her no matter how she feels right? So we need to make sure she knows that."

"How do we do that?"

"I think we just tell her we love her. Make sure we do that every day. Also I think that we should listen to her and ask her how she feels a lot. Just to make sure."

"I could do that. Me and sissy have a great rapport, except on the days when we are fighting."

"Sometimes it is normal to fight but make sure you always tell her that you love her afterwards."

"Okay! I think we should go in her room and hug her right now!"

Grinning they both went into Avery's room where she was sitting on her bed brushing Thomas.

"Oh, hello boys. I'm just gettin' Thomas ready for bed. What is up?"

"We just came to hug ya, sissy!"

"Well okay then! C'mere and squeeze me most big!"

They joined her on the bed, one brother on either side, and hugged her tightly until she giggled.

"Wow, it's a Avery sandwich! I wonder what it tastes like!" she laughed. "I like when you hug me like this. You are the most best brothers."

"And you're the best sissy! Us two will love you forever. Will you 'member that?"

"Okay Ben, I will. I will love you boys too. Even when we get mad at each other."

"Yeah, we have to remember to stick together like the Three Amigos," Colton said with a smile. "And Aves if you ever need me or Ben or if you feel sad about something will you come tell us?"

"Okay. I will also write it in my diary."

Ben stopped himself from saying it was a book of scribbles and nodded his head instead.

"You always got us, sissy. We will be your brothers for life."

"Daddy told me that brothers and sisters are built in best friends. I know you and Sarah aren't seeing eye to eye right now, but you got me and Ben."

Avery's lower lip quivered and she sniffled just a little.

"Thanks Coley."

"And if you want me to, I will talk to Sarah and tell her that your feelings are hurt."

"Maybe someday. Today I are just real glad I gots you brothers."

"We're glad we got you too sissy. I feel like we need to go downstairs and all hug mama and daddy. I don't want them to feel left out from all this lovin'."

Colton and Avery agreed and the trio trooped down the stairs, finding Adam and Lindsay cuddled up on the couch.

"You kids ready to be tucked in?"

"We's comin' down so you an' mama could share in all the lovin'," Avery reported, climbing up on the couch between them. "This way you don't feel leaved out."

"Aw, thanks Tink."

"Daddy, mama, I would like to take this moment to say thank you for making us such a great family to have," Ben declared seriously. "It musta been some hard work you two put in."

"It was worth it, buddy. Mama and I would do anything to make you kids safe and happy."

"We is happy, daddy," Avery explained. "Gots each other for always. It is the most greatest thing."


	291. Chapter 291

"You were just a baby yesterday."

Hannah looked up from the box she was unpacking and gave Adam a half-smile, half-wince. Ever since she'd decided to go to college in New York he'd been telling her how much she'd grown and asking how it had happened so fast. His hovering almost had her reconsidering her choice of colleges.

"Adam, yesterday I was laying by the pool reading Othello. I most certainly wasn't a baby."

Adam chuckled and hefted another box of books onto her desk so he could put them away for her. It was strange how much of their mother he saw in his little sister, and yet how much she was her own person too. It still freaked him out that she was old enough to move away from home and go to college; he didn't feel old enough for that.

"I wish we had enough room for you to live with us," he commented, partially changing the subject.

"And not get the full college experience?"

"College is scary. I definitely don't want you to get the full experience."

"I'll be over all the time."

"I'd love that, but you're right. You need to do the college thing. Don't feel obligated."

She gave him a smile and looked down at the picture in her hands.

"Need to find a good place for that one," Adam said softly, sliding his arm around her shoulders and looking down at the picture of their mom. "Next to the bed?"

She nodded and set the picture down, taking a deep breath before moving on to the next box.

"Hannah, mom would be so proud of you."

"I know."

"And it's okay to be happy sometimes."

"I know that too. It's still just… you know."

"I do know."

He kissed her forehead and released her as Lindsay and the kids came in with more boxes, Avery whining at the shoebox she'd been given.

"Auntie Hannah did you pack rocks in here?"

"Nope."

"It's most heavy. I need to lay on your bed and rest it out."

"Okay."

Avery climbed onto the bed and snuggled up with the pillows while everyone else worked at getting Hannah settled.

"I think we should have a celebration," Ben said after a while, taking his glasses off to clean them. "A celebration for auntie Hannah living in New York."

"What kind of celebration?" Hannah chuckled.

"Going out to dinner! One what's nice, where me and sissy will get told a lot of times to behave ourselves and where I can't read the menu! That kind of celebration! With ice-cream after."

"Sounds like a good idea buddy."

"Cole came up with it in the car on the way over here. I just said it now because it sounded great and I was sure he forgot."

"I did kind of forget. Thanks for reminding me Ben!"

"I think we could probably go out to dinner, but we'll have a tough time finding a place with a menu that you can't read," Adam laughed. "How about Hannah and I can take the rental car back and then we'll all meet somewhere for dinner."

"That sounds great daddy! Come on, let's go!"

"Ben, hold your horses."

"But I am hungry!"

There was a discussion about where to do for dinner and soon Lindsay and the kids were leaving the dorms, the boys being a little louder than they should have been and running ahead excitedly. Adam stayed back and waited for his sister to change her shoes before they headed out as well. Her dad had rented a car for her in Arizona and they'd driven it to the city, stuffed to the brim with her things. They'd taken a week to do it, spending some time together before she would be gone. He'd flown home earlier in the morning after a tearful goodbye and promises to visit. As brave of a face as Hannah had put on, she was homesick in the worst way, and couldn't wait to have a good cry into her pillow tonight.

"Hey sis?"

"Hmm?"

"You can stay with us tonight if you want," Adam offered, starting up the car. "You'd have to share a bed with Avery but she's been sleeping in the boys room on the floor mostly."

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine."

"If you change your mind, I'll come pick you up. Two a.m., doesn't matter."

"I know."

"Alright. We'd better get going, the kids are going to be begging for food soon."

* * *

"Auntie Hannah lookit this most beautifullest ring I have!" Avery exclaimed, holding up the prize she'd gotten out of a toy machine. "It is blue and lovely."

"It matches your eyes."

"Oh boy it matches mine eyes? How lucky! Will you color mine menu with me?"

"Sure. C'mere and sit with me."

Avery giggled and climbed up into the booth, pulling the basket of crayons closer and picking a green one.

"Auntie Hannah, I like that you is here. It is being like havin' a sister for me. I always wanted a sister, since I was just a little baby. Thomas is like a sister but hers a dog an' she can't talk back an' I gotta take her outside to do hers business."

"That doesn't sound like fun."

"It is not. 'Specially in the coldness. But hers a trouper. Hers holds it until it is time to go out. What a sweet doggy I got."

"I'm glad you love her so much."

"Hers my most favoritest present I ever got. I need to scoot into your lap so's I could see the picture better. I am a shorty."

Hannah laughed and Avery climbed into her lap with a nod.

"There, that is better. Hey, now I gots even one more person to snuggle with! This is a most good day."

"I think so too."

Avery smiled as Adam and Lindsay came back to the table with two pizzas, and the boys brought up the rear, carrying a basket of bread sticks and a pitcher of soda.

"I will cut up sissy's piece for her," Ben said, climbing up into the booth and distributing plates to everyone. "On account of I need practice usin' a knife and fork at the same time."

"You can cut it up for me Ben but not too little. I am not a baby."

"Okay. I will cut them medium size for you. What kind would you like?"

"Both please. Thank you Ben. You are a great gentleman."

"We are learning manners at school. Some kids in my class come to school with no manners to speak of! I think me and Dunner was the only ones not livin' like animals. They couldn't even say thank you to the teacher for stuff. So now we learn manners every day."

"I think some kids in my class might need to do that too," Colton sighed, pouring a glass of soda and sliding it over the table to his sister. "This one kid belched out loud at the table at lunch the other day. It was even gross enough that Isa told him he'd better excuse himself. What is with people today?"

"I burp at the table," Avery said with a shrug. "And daddy does also."

"Hey, in some cultures that's a sign of meal appreciation," Adam defended.

"But in our house it's a sign of being gross."

"Linds, you laugh every time."

"Just because I find it funny does not mean I condone it," Lindsay grinned while Colton reached across the table to tuck a napkin into Avery's collar.

"Now I am ready to eat. Thank you my brothers!"

The boys both gave her a nod and started in on their own dinners.

"Hey Hannah, daddy says that college is where you learn how to be the thing you want to be for the rest of your life," Colton said, picking a mushroom off his pizza and putting it on Ben's plate. "So what are you going to be for the rest of your life?"

"You know what? I have no idea."

"You don't? I always have known that I want to be a doctor. How come you haven't decided yet?"

"Some people take a while to decide. There's a lot of things I would like to do. I just don't know which is the right one."

"So when will you find out?"

"Hopefully soon."

Colton nodded thoughtfully.

"Well what type of job would you like? You know, how Ben wants a job where he can help people but he doesn't know exactly the job."

"I want to do something that would help people too. And I want to travel and meet people and get to do a lot of fun things. I would like to learn different languages and see how different people live all over the world."

"I hope you find something you can do then. I bet it will be something really great. What kind of things will you learn before you find out what you want to learn for your job?"

"I'll just take normal classes like math and English for now."

"I'm pretty good at math. Maybe sometime we could do our homework together. That would be funny."

"I'd like do join y'all!" Ben grinned. "I am bad at math sometimes, so you could help me."

"Okay, we'll have a study party soon," Hannah agreed. "I'll bring the junk food."

"You's old kids could do that," Avery said. "I will go on a date with mama and daddy. How is that business?"

"Sounds great, Tink. Mama and I will come up with something fun to do."

"I wanna go see a play. Where the people are real life and not inside a movie. Could we do that?"

"Probably."

"Oh great! I like this thing that we are planning. Auntie Hannah could I come have a spend-the-night at your new bedroom sometime?"

"Probably, if it's okay."

"And then the brothers could go with mama and daddy on a date too! I sure like havin' you livin' here auntie Hannah! It opens up a world that gots possibilities."

"Avery, has anyone ever told you how cute you are?"

"Oh yes, most times. But mama says bein' cute is not as 'portant as being nice. So I work on bein' nice 'cuz bein' cute comes all natural."

"You are so great."

"Thanks! Hey Ben, pass me that shake cheese please."

"Okay. Good rhyme by the way sissy."

"Thanks! I didn't even know I done it."

"That makes it even funnier! Auntie Hannah, it's stuff like this that you've got to look forward to now! Aren't you so happy?"

"Over the moon, Ben."

* * *

"Another cup of coffee?" Adam offered, standing up from the desk chair and giving Lindsay's shoulder a squeeze.

"I'd better switch to tea or I'll never sleep tonight," she said softly, opening up another window. "What was I looking up?"

"Heart defects."

She sighed and rubbed at her eyes, wishing she didn't have to see reality staring back at her. They had just started getting into all the paperwork and research that would go into an adoption and they were currently researching common health and developmental problems to see which they could take on. It was scary to think that there were orphans suffering from chronic diseases with no family to support them. It was scarier to think about how many illnesses and behaviors were brought on or exacerbated in some cases by institutionalization. Neither one of them had ever imagined what an orphanage must be like domestically, but now they were faced with the truth of what it was like in other places.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"What?"

"This research. I don't want to pick and choose what kind of child fits into our family and rule out another just because it might be hard. If Colton or Ben or Avery had been born with any of these things, it wouldn't have mattered. It's not fair to think we can choose now. I don't care what struggles our child might have. Check all the boxes, Adam. We'll deal with them all."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Whatever child we find that is meant to be ours we'll get through whatever obstacles there are. So what if we are never empty nesters? So what if we get hospital frequent flyer miles? So what if the behaviors test our patience and push us to the limit? It's our child we're talking about."

Adam nodded and reached over to brush the tears from her cheeks.

"I think we need to know the kinds of things we could be taking on. But you're right, it shouldn't change anything."

"I just can't help but think of all the doors we would be closing if we said no to… I don't know, one of the things on the list. Which children wouldn't stand a chance… this is miserable."

"I know. It almost seems absurd."

"It does. I feel like we should just choose a child based on a connection we feel and worry about the rest later."

He nodded again and took her hands in his, holding them gently and looking deep into her eyes.

"Linds, we're going to find our child, the one who was meant to be ours all along. Whatever happens, we'll get through."

"I hate that we have to wait so long."

"I do too."

She sighed and reached over to turn the computer off.

"I think I need to be done for tonight."

"Okay. Want to find something mindless on TV for a while before we turn in?"

"Yeah, that sounds good."

He took her hand and the stood up making their way to the couch.

"Ouch! Why does Avery keep leaving all her stuff in between the cushions?" Lindsay sighed, pulling a handful of plastic toys out of the crevice. "She's such a pack rat."

"I think it's funny when we go to the store and she pulls out her purse to pay for things. The other day she had a shoe, a dog treat, some string, a broken cassette tape and a half burned candle in there, all of which she unloaded onto the counter before she could find her quarters to buy some candy."

"And she was muttering to herself the entire time?"

"Yeah. "I putted it in here this mornin', I know I done. I's talkin' to Thomas an' I loaded up my bag. Where is them quarters?!" I was trying so hard not to laugh but I didn't make it. She glared at me and kept searching through old gum wrappers and broken rubber bands until she found it."

"She's so great. I just want to live in her world sometimes."

"I never know what she is going to come up with."

"It's always fun."

"Did Ben tell you his big plans for securing presidency over the second grade?"

"Yes. I didn't know they started politics this young."

"Public school."

"He said that he and Junior already came up with a slogan. "Winnin' with Binyin." Junior is going to be his secret service guy and he asked me if I could buy him one more fancy outfit because he doesn't have enough for every day of the week."

"And Colton wants to play football this year. I never thought that being a parent would be so… fun."

"I didn't either. I think we've hit that point where they don't need as much hands-on parenting and we can simply enjoy the people they are."

"It's kind of amazing that they used to be tiny babies and now they're so old and smart and totally different from each other but still somehow so similar," Adam mused, glancing up at the family picture on the wall. "I remember especially when Colton was first born being amazed that we'd created a human, you know? But now… they've all made themselves into who they are."

"I can't believe we get to watch it happen."

"Better not take it for granted."

"You want to go upstairs and watch them sleep?"

"Yeah, let's go."


	292. Chapter 292

A/N: I had so much fun spending a chapter with Miss Avery. She's a kick in the pants.

* * *

"Alright Tink, take care of mama today, okay?"

"Daddy, I cannot. I must go to school later, 'member?"

Adam chuckled and picked her up, kissing her cheeks.

"I know. But before you go to school and when you come home, keep an eye on her for me."

"Okay. You gotta leave now an' take the brothers to school?"

"Yeah. I'll miss you today."

"I will miss you too, so very most daddy."

"Be a good girl," he reminded, putting her down. "Have fun at school."

"I will daddy. Be safe at work. Goodbye brothers, gimme a kiss 'fore you leave!"

The boys both obliged, giving her quick pecks on the cheek as they headed out the door with Adam, leaving Avery alone in the entryway.

"Well Thomas, we'd better go check on mama. C'mon baby."

They trooped upstairs and into the bedroom, where Lindsay was sleeping piled under blankets.

"Mama, I am checking on you. How is you feelin'?"

"Ugh."

"You sound stuffy. You need chicken soup?"

"No baby, just let me sleep a little more before I take you to school."

"You gots a headache an' need some medicine? I can get it!"

"It's okay, daddy got me some before he left."

"He said to me to take care of you today. So what do I do to take care of you?"

"I just need some rest. Why don't you go play with Thomas for a bit?"

"Alright but if you need something, you let me know. I will be your nurse today 'cept for when I am at my school, okay?"

"Thanks honey."

Avery nodded and went downstairs into her bedroom, clucking her tongue at all the toys on the floor.

"Thomas, we live in a dirty place. I tell ya, you cannot get all yours toys outta your basket all the time! Let's clean up and get my purse packed for school."

Thomas lay down on the floor, propping her head up on her paws and watching Avery putter around the room, tossing things back into their appropriate places while she hummed to herself.

"Oh lookit this! This is my sock-topus. It was my friend long ago. Coley has a sock monkey an' him still sleeps with it but he don't want no one to know. And Ben gots a sock elephant but he just keeps it by his pillow. I will put the sock-topus in my toybox for right now. Well, well, well. Thomas, you been eatin' up here when you is not supposed to!"

Sighing heavily, she pulled a piece of rawhide out from under the bed and tossed it to the dog.

"I will make a 'ception this time but next time you is eatin' up here you will get put in time out and get no treats for one whole day. Now I just gotta make my bed pretty an' my room will be clean. That will make mama happy an' so she will feel better. Maybe I should clean up the boys room too. C'mon Thomas let's go check it out."

They wandered across the hall to the boys room, finding clothes strewn about the floor and the cat sleeping on Colton's bed.

"Hello Floppers. Me an' Thomas is here to clean up."

Thomas backed out of the room at the hiss that the cat directed at him. They didn't necessarily have problems with each other, but they respected the individual territories.

Avery picked up all the clothes on the floor and put everything in the hamper, then straightened the beds and stood back with a sigh.

"There, now it is clean an' happy. I suppose it's time for me to get ready for school. Not sure what to wear today. It is gettin' chilly outside so no more skirts," she said to herself, looking through her closet. "Think I will wear them old overalls. They were mama's when she was a little thing like me. Isn't that neato, Thomas? Yep, mama had lotsa farmin' adventures in these overalls. Her biggest brother picked her up by the strap and tossed her into the hay lots. That's what she telled me. Well I think I look cute! Too bad my feet got too big for my boots. I will just wear Sarah's old shoes. That's funny. I got lots of clothes from other people."

She finished getting dressed and put a few things in her backpack, then headed back upstairs.

"Mama, it is time to go to school. The clock has the nine number on it and some other numbers. I don't want to be late."

"Okay, I'm getting up."

She tossed the blankets off and shivered, then moved to change into something that was more appropriate for dropping her daughter off at school. She certainly couldn't go in the same pajamas she'd been wearing for two days.

"You is alright mama? You can drive?"

"Yes baby, I can drive."

"Because… if you need to… I will miss school."

Tears sprung to her eyes and Lindsay crouched down in front of her, pulling her in for a hug.

"Sweetie, school is your favorite thing all week. I would never ask you to miss school just so I could sleep. Nope, that would never do. I'll take you to school then come home and have a nice long bubble bath and make myself feel human again then I'll come pick you up and we can spend the rest of the day together."

"You mean it?"

"I mean it."

"I could still take care of you?"

"Of course. Come on, let's get going."

"Did ya notice I am wearin' yours old overalls mama? Don't I look cute?"

"You are the picture of adorable. Can I take a picture of you to send to granna?"

"Because I look like you when you were little?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I will pose here by the window and then we will leave."

Lindsay chuckled and took the picture before they headed downstairs to get their coats on.

"I can't wait to see my friend Nicholas. He was on vacation to Disneyland last week. Today he will be back. I really like that kid. He is so very nice."

"I'm glad you have so many friends at school."

"Me too! Could maybe sometime Nicholas come over to our house after school?"

"Maybe. I'll talk to his mom later."

Avery nodded and climbed into her carseat, waving to Thomas who was perched on the back of the couch, looking out the window.

"Bye Thomas! Take care of mama when I am gone!"

* * *

"Maybe someday you and me could go to Disneyland together, Avery," Nicholas suggested, looking up from his paper. "Someday when I have a lot of money, I will take you there."

"Okay! An' I could have one of them churros?"

"You could have a hundred."

Avery smiled and continued to write numbers across her page, wanting to get them just right. She liked to be wild and crazy and messy but she also liked to have things tidy and organized and looking nice. If she could just make her 2's a little better, it would be a very good day.

"Today my mama said that you can come home to my house after school one day. Wanna do that? You could play with Thomas! Hers a great dog. Also sometimes my daddy is at home because mama is at work and he has the most best games. He likes to do messy projects."

"That will be fun. Could we go today?"

"Nah my mama is real sick. I am takin' care of her when I get home."

"Oh. Maybe next time."

"Yeah. What did you bring for a snack today?"

"I don't remember. I think some fruit. What did you bring?"

"Daddy packed it for me. It is cheese."

"You always have cheese for a snack."

"It is my favorite. I like the string kind the best. Mama says I cannot have just cheese for lunch anymore an' she said if I eat a real food for lunch then she will stop having just cereal. We shaked on it."

Nicholas laughed.

"Your mama and daddy sound like fun. My daddy is real great too. He is a great builder of buildings. Did you know he builded my house?"

"That is very amazing! All by his ownself?"

"No, he had helpers. He made me a room that is all about outer space. Sometime you will come over and see it."

"Is your mama nice?"

"Oh yes. She takes care of old people that need help at their house. Sometimes they come with her to get me and we have lunch together. The other day this guy Sidney came with her. I put my hand out to say hi, with manners and all and Sidney said "What is this for?" and I telled him it was for shakin'. He did not hear me right and he said to me "Who said anything about chicken?" Then me and mommy laughed. I like Sidney. When he was young he drove trains. He told me all about them. I think that would be a fun job someday."

Avery smiled and threw and arm around Nicholas' shoulders.

"I like that you and me is friends Nicholas. You got good stories."

"Thanks Avery."

They continued on their numbers for a few more minutes until it was time for the class to gather on the round rug in the middle of the room for a story. It was Avery's favorite part of the day, and she listened attentively to the story, imagining it all in her mind. She wished she could be a part of the story, to jump into the images on the page and take part in adventures. But she knew she would miss her family too much and would soon want to jump back out of the story again.

"Avery the story is over. It is time for a snack."

Avery opened her eyes, realizing that she had been imagining so hard she didn't even realize that the book had been finished.

"Oh thanks Nicholas. We will have a snack and then it will be time for clean up and go home. I sure hope my mama is doing well."

"I hope you don't get sick from her."

"Yeah, I need to be careful of germs," Avery agreed, opening her lunch box and taking out the strong cheese and juice box. "I will wear a mask."

"That's a good idea. What else will you do when you get home?"

"Oh just homework. I make pages for myself to do. I write names and numbers a lot. It keeps me in practice. And I will play with Thomas, probably dress-up. We have not played that in a long time. I will have lunch also and maybe a nap or a movie and then it will be time to get my brothers from school. Mama and me will maybe practice piano and the boys will do homework. Then daddy comes home and we eat dinner and then all of us play together before bed! I like my home so most."

"Sounds great," Nicholas nodded as Avery licked the string cheese wrapper.

"It is great. I will live there forever."

* * *

"Mama please stop your coughing. It is hurting you."

Lindsay shook her head and coughed into a tissue in response, aches and pains shooting through her body at the violent movement.

"I'm okay honey."

"No you are not. You are sick. Did you take your medicine?"

"No, not yet."

Avery nodded and went into the kitchen, finding the bottle of orange liquid on the counter. She knew this was the one to take during the day, the blue was for nighttime. She made sure it had the measuring cup on the top, then took it to the other room.

"How much you need mama?"

"I'll do it."

"No. I will do it or you will not take it. How much?"

"Be very careful and fill it up to the number 2."

"Oh, I practice writin' 2 today. I know this number. Here, you need open this."

Lindsay opened the cough syrup and Avery carefully poured it into the dosing cup, right up to the number 2.

"Here mama. Take this medicine and you will feel most better."

Lindsay smiled and obeyed then lay back against the couch miserably. She had thought it was starting to get better but she felt worse now than she had the last three days combined.

"Now, you just rest. I am going to fold the laundry."

"Baby, you don't have to do that."

"I know that mama. You fix my laundry all the time. It is my turn to help you. I will bring it here an' we can watch a movie together! You rest mama. Do not worry about a thing."

Lindsay chuckled and Avery went into the laundry room, grabbing a basket and filling it with clothes from the dryer then pushing it back out to the living room.

"There. Now I will put in a movie. What would you like? It is your choice for you are the sick one."

"Anything you put in is fine with me baby."

Avery went to the cabinet and looked for a few minutes, finally deciding on something and turning it on before going back to sit on the floor. She sorted the clothes into piles and began to fold them, having helped Lindsay a time or two. She was pretty good at folding towels and pants but she was going to need much more practice with shirts. She managed to finish half of it and turned around to check on Lindsay, finding her asleep.

"Oh mama. I am so sad you is sick. You rest, sweet mama. Get better so we can play soon."

"Mmm."

"I will be here folding if you need me."

She turned back to the task at hand and in about half an hour she had five stacks of clothing and two stacks of towels ready to be put away. Figuring she would leave it for the boys to take care of she went back into the laundry room and began to fill the washer with dirty clothes from the hamper. Once everything was inside she realized that she had no idea which buttons to push. Better leave that for daddy.

The boys would be getting home soon and they would be wanting a snack, so into the kitchen she went to see what she could find. There were apples and bananas of course, but she wanted to make something extra special. Pulling drawers open until she found what she wanted, she gathered the rest of her supplies and climbed up on the counter. Ten minutes later she had two shish-kebab skewers of alternating marshmallows, grapes and pepperoni slices. She briefly considered adding cheese but she wasn't allowed to use knives and the boys would not appreciate if she bit it into little chunks before serving it.

Sliding down from the counter she stretched her arms over her head and went to look at the clock, panicking when she saw what time it was.

"Oh no! Mama, mama! It is too late to get my brothers! Too late!"

"Huh?"

"The clock says!"

"Honey, Austin is bringing them home for me today."

"Oh. They must be arriving soon."

"Mm-hmm," Lindsay agreed, suppressing a grin.

"I sure wish I could snuggle with you."

"I know. I do too."

"It would make you feel better. Oh well. Go back to sleep mama. I got the brothers a snack all ready for their hungry mouths when they come home. You need to eat anything?"

"No sweetie. I'm good for now. Thank you for being such a good helper today."

"Oh, it is my pleasure! Now, snuggle down in the couch and take a snooze. Sleep makes the body well."

Lindsay smiled and obeyed, yawning a little and readjusting the pillow while Avery straightened the magazines and other miscellany on the coffee table.

"Mama, sissy, we're home!" Ben announced a few minutes later as he came in the door.

"Hello brothers."

"Austin bringed us home and she wants to check on mama."

"Okay but she must be careful of germs."

"I'll be careful," Austin chuckled, leaning down to kiss Avery's head. "Thanks for the warning."

"You are welcome. Well brothers, there is a snack for you in the kitchen. I maked it myself because mama was sleeping. After that you may put away the clothes and stuff I folded. Alright?"

"Boy sissy Aves, you really drive a hard bargain," Junior piped up from the doorway.

"Well Dan-yo, mama has been sick and she does most work 'round here for us. Time to pitch in because we love her."

"That is good. I am just glad that I don't have to do it."

"Have you been doing chores all day, Averylin?" Sarah asked, running her shoe back and forth against the porch.

"Yes Sarah, I did."

The two of them contemplated each other for a moment before Avery flounced off. She didn't like to see Sarah very much, it always reminded her that they were not very good friends anymore. It hurt her heart a lot and made her feel like everything was all wrong. She was glad to have her other friends and on the outside she made it seem like none of this bothered her at all, when really she would do anything in the world to have her Sarah back.

"Why are you wearing a Supergirl mask but not the outfit?" Austin questioned, having been convinced that Lindsay was doing alright and everything would be fine until Adam got home.

"To 'tect me from mama's germs," Avery explained.

"Oh, honey you need a different kind of mask for that."

"I do? But I spended so long puttin' a mask on Thomas too! Her had to be Hulk! An' now we mighta gotted her germs anyway?"

"You'll be fine, sweetie. And if you're not, I'm sure your mama will take care of you just like you did for her."

"Okay then."

"You kids be good until your daddy gets home. No sword fighting or anything."

"Don't give them ideas Austin Grace," Lindsay muttered from the couch.

"Anyway, be good."

"I will make sure Austin," Avery offered. "You can count on me."

Austin chuckled and lifted Avery into her arms, hugging her tightly.

"Thank you for taking such good care of my best friend today sweetie."

"Oh, you is welcome. She is my mama so I like to take care of her."

"You're doing a great job. I'll see you in a few days for family dinner okay?"

"Okay. Goodbye y'all. Have a safe walk home."

* * *

"Well hello there daddy! Lookit, the house is still in one piece and so is mama! I done a great job today!"

Adam smiled and hung his coat by the door, then joined his daughter in the kitchen.

"I'm so proud of you honey. You're such a grown up girl."

"I know this. Ooh, what is that you got? Is it a present for me for being a good girl today?"

"No, it's-"

"Oh, a present for mama because she is sick? You always give her most things when she is sick."

"No Tink, it's just dinner."

"Dinner? DINNER? I already maked dinner!" she whined, walking over to the fridge. "It was exotic!"

"What did you make honey?"

"Sandwiches! Peanut butter an' Fruit Loops! T'was to be delicious!"

"That does sound good honey. Why don't we have what I brought for dinner tonight and we can all take your sandwiches to work and school tomorrow?"

"Why can't we take your dinner tomorrow?"

"Because it's hot right now."

"Oh alright. But next time you check with me 'fore you get somethin'."

"Yes ma'am. Where's that mama of yours?"

"Hers upstairs. Still sleepin'. She is very tired. Her cough is not better daddy. I gived her medicine two times today an' she does not feel better. You might have to help her. I can do no more."

"Sometimes colds just like to stick around for a while. I'm going to go check on her before we eat. Want to come?"

"No thank you. I will set the table and get the boys. Make sure they wash their hands."

"Okay. I'll be right back."

He went upstairs and Avery climbed up on the counter, pulling plates down one by one and taking them to the table. Next was the silverware, she counted out the right parts and put them by the plates, adjusting here and there until it looked just how she liked it.

"Boys! Wash your hands for dinnertime!"

Two sets of feet thundered on the floor above her and she smiled, clucking her tongue gently.

"Those boys. So rambunctious," she said, glancing over at Thomas. "But I must love them still."

"We're here and washed, sissy. Where is dinner?"

"Daddy brunged it. In that bag in the kitchen. He is checking on mama. Shall we eat?"

Colton got the food out and they all began to dish up out of the cartons, talking about their day as they went.

"I think I am going to go to bed after dinner," Avery announced after a moment, poking at the spring roll on her plate. "I am so very most tired from taking care of mama and cleaning this house."

"I noticed that you cleaned up our dirty clothes today."

"Yes, I done that."

"Well thanks!"

"You are welcome, Coley."

"Sissy, I think it is silly that you are still in preschool. You are more grown up than most of the kids in my class! You should go to school with me."

"Oh Ben I would love doing that! I want to go to big school so most."

"Wouldn't you want to go to school with me?" Colton asked.

"Okay, I will go with Ben in the morning and Coley after lunch. How is that?"

"That would be fun Aves."

"I think so too."

"Hey, you started without us."

The kids turned to the doorway guiltily, smiling.

"We was hungry," Avery explained. "Didn't want it to get cold you know?"

"Did you at least leave enough for us?"

"Yes, we done. Mama I am glad you are up. How do you feel?"

"Tired and achy. Thank you for taking care of me."

"You are welcome. I finded out today that you do lots and lots of work for us to keep our home nice and so we have food an' stuff. Makes me not want to be a bad girl ever, ever again. Here, have this won-ton, I do not like them much."

"Thanks baby."

They all finished dinner together, the boys regaling the family with stories of their day at school and all that they had learned. Ben's campaign for class president was in full swing and his slogan had become a playground chant. He was gaining popularity which seemed to be something he wasn't all that fond of. Colton was glad that he himself had never been involved in politics; it was much more interesting to watch from the sides. For her part, Avery wasn't interesting in the voting or the responsibilities of class president but the title sure seemed appealing. She wondered if she would ever get the chance to be a president.

"I am most tired," she declared after a while. "May I go to bed?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes daddy, I am sure. I just want to go rest and snuggle in my bed."

"Alright. Come here and kiss me goodnight then."

She slid down from her chair and skipped to him, laughing when he lifted her up and blew raspberries on both of her cheeks.

"I love you Tink."

"I love you most, daddy. Goodnight."

"Can I come and tuck you in?" Lindsay asked hopefully.

"You could do that while you are sick?"

"Yes, I can."

"Okay! Come with me and help me pick my jammies!"

Lindsay followed Avery upstairs and helped her get dressed, surprised at how clean her bedroom was.

"Will you feel better tomorrow mama?"

"I hope so. I have to go to work."

"What if you do not feel better?"

"Then I'll stay home and daddy can take care of me."

"I did not do a good job?"

"You did a great job, baby. I just think you might like a break."

"Oh. Well maybe. Tuck me in most tight?"

Lindsay nodded and obliged, making sure all the stuffed animals were in the right spot and the pillows were just where Avery liked them.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too Averylin. Sweet dreams."

She turned the light off and started to head out of the room when Avery called her back.

"Could I go to Disneyland with Nicholas later?"

"What?"

"He said he will take me. I think he is in love with me."

"Oh honey. I think it's going to be a long time before he saves up enough money."

"But then I could go?"

"If he saves up the money all on his own, you can go."

"Okay, thanks mama I will tell him! Goodnight."

Lindsay crossed the room again and knelt down next to the bed, pressing a kiss to Avery's forehead.

"You're so grown up, Avery. Try to slow down a little."

"Okay mama, I will try for you."

"Goodnight sweetie."

"Night mama."


	293. Chapter 293

Her heels clacked against the pavement and she moved her kit from one had to the other as she made her way to the crime scene, flashlight zigzagging in front of her. Spotlights hadn't been set up yet, it was proving to be difficult due to the rain. Giving the officer standing at the crime scene tape a nod, she ducked underneath and found Flack holding and umbrella and a note pad.

"Hey Linds. Need some cover?"

"No, I'm good. What happened?"

"Owner came out of the store to throw some stuff in the dumpster and found one of his regular customers back here. He says he finds addicts back here quite a bit, needles on the ground. Be careful."

"Any chance we'll get those lights set up before the rain washes away my evidence?"

"Yeah, they're working on it. Where's Jo at?"

"She got a phone call just as we pulled up. She'll be here in a minute."

Lindsay crouched down next to the body, finding no outward signs of trauma, but knowing things could be concealed by the dark, the rain, and the layers of clothing. He was a younger man, probably no more than twenty-five, and the peaceful look that occasionally accompanied death was removed from his face. She noticed an abrasion on his right hand but in this light she couldn't tell if it was fresh or not.

It looked as if the dumpster had overflowed at some point, for there was garbage worn into the asphalt, as if it had been there for a while. Peeking around the back, she saw that the dumpster was actually connected to an in-store compactor so all of this garbage would have come from inside, rather than from passers-by depositing their trash. She wasn't sure how they were going to decide what was evidence and what wasn't, so much of this wet rubbish was going to end up back at the lab.

"It looks like someone jimmied the dumpster open," she noted, pointing her flashlight at the metal lid. "These are usually locked and can't be opened until waste management comes to take it away. They do that so if the compactor gets too full the lid doesn't pop off and spill stuff everywhere."

"Looks like some wiring has been tampered with over there. Watch your step."

Carefully she made her way back to the control panel, finding wires sticking out, stripped of copper.

"Definitely has been. We'll have to ask the owner how long it's been busted."

"Two weeks," Austin answered, coming around the corner with her own umbrella. "I just talked to him, he said they've been trying to get their insurance to pay for the repairs because it's so expensive, but the company is giving them the run-around."

"He tell you anything about the vic?"

"Not much. Says he walks here so he must live or work close-by. He thinks his first name is Mason but he's not certain. He says that his cashiers might know more, they've all talked with him more often."

"It's almost midnight. What was the owner still doing here?"

"He said he couldn't sleep, came in to do payroll. He was looking at the security cameras and found some people skulking in the alley so he came out to chase them off. That's when he found the body. Now before you ask, there's no footage of this area, the camera points only at the receiving door over there. He's burning everything to a DVD though, in case we can pinpoint time of death and find someone leaving the scene."

Lindsay nodded as a few younger techs finally arrived with temporary tenting to at least try and preserve some of the scene. They worked fast and by the time they were done Jo was approaching, a scowl on her face.

"What's wrong?"

"Ellie just called. She's engaged."

"But that's good news, why are you making that face?"

"Because she'd rather drop out of college a year early to get married and follow this boy around the world instead of waiting until she graduates to tie the knot. We had words and she hung up on me."

"Ouch."

"I'll fix it in the morning. What do we got?"

Flack gave her a brief overview of the situation and was just finishing up when the lights came on.

"This is going to be a very long night," Lindsay sighed, now better able to see the mess that surrounded the victim. There could be prints, DNA, trace materials and other things on any of these scraps of garbage. They were going to have to gather and test all of it, rainy or not. She shook her head and thought briefly about home, for it was going to be several days before she saw it again.

* * *

"So Sid, got a cause of death?"

"Now ladies, I've never seen this before. I'm not sure what it is. It seems like cement or clay but it breaks under pressure."

"Sid."

"I don't know where it came from but I do know that it's sucked most of the moisture out of the victim's body."

Jo and Lindsay exchanged a look and Jo cleared her throat.

"Sid, how about you start at the beginning?"

"Alright. As I was examining the victim, I noticed bruising on his chest and ribs. From the shape and placement I made an educated guess at the bruises being the result of the victim being kicked several times. I didn't note trauma anywhere else on the body. I opened the chest cavity and found the lungs to be full of this substance. It seems that it may be absorbent in nature."

"Are the lungs completely full?"

"Yes, it looks like it was inhaled. I found traces in the mouth and nose. It wasn't until I got to the eyes that I realized that the material was absorbent."

He bent over the body and opened the eyes, revealing dry, red, dusky, almost caved in eyes. It looked similar to cataracts though they both knew that the victim didn't have vision problems.

"Whatever this is, it has literally sucked the life from him. The trauma to the chest broke three ribs. I am imagining that the victim was gasping for breath and the substance was inhaled by force. That's why there's so much of it. Any of the rest that was on the body was more than likely washed away by the rain."

"I found some unknown trace on the victim's coat," Lindsay explained. "I'll test to see if it's a match. Meanwhile, I think I have a hunch on what this might be. Thanks Sid."

The girls headed back to the lab, Lindsay going straight for the GCMS with some of the mystery substance while Jo began work on the clothes.

"What a horrible way to die," Lindsay said after a while. "Gasping for every breath, getting less and less air every time. Your entire body working against you."

"And the pain. It seems like whatever that is probably burned a lot."

"I think it's Spill Magic."

"Spill Magic?"

"It's a powder you throw on spills, especially if they're big or if you don't know what they are. It soaks everything up and then you just sweep it up and throw it away. Kind of like the stuff they use at gas stations to clean up fuel and oil. We used to use it at the grocery store I worked at. If it gets on your skin it dries it out; I once got it puffed in my face and had chapped lips for weeks. It washes off but the damage is already done. I can't imagine ingesting the stuff."

"Looks like it's about the consistency of sawdust before it's used."

Lindsay nodded and pulled the report from the printer, seeing her suspicions confirmed.

"Do we have any more information on the vic?"

"Jess and Austin are looking into it, Flack is overseeing the canvass. Hopefully they'll come up with something soon, now that we have a time of death more narrowed down. And the security tapes should be arriving soon."

"Good. I think I'm going to go call home. I want to talk to the kids before they go to school."

"When are you going to actually go home?"

"Couple hours. I want to get this all squared away first."

Jo nodded in amused understanding and Lindsay made her way into the office, laying back on the couch and calling Adam's phone.

"Well hey there mama, this is Ben! How are you doin'?"

"I'm doing just fine, buddy. How are you?"

"Pretty great! I got my field trip to the planetarium today you know."

"Yeah, you've been looking forward to that for a while."

"I'm glad that daddy taught me a lot of the constitutions already."

"Constellations."

"Yeah, those. I can already find the Big Dipper on my own. Hey, wanna talk to Cole?"

"Sure. Have a fun day and remember it all so you can tell me about it when you get home."

"Okay mama. Here he is."

The phone changed hands and Colton came on, chattering excitedly about how well he'd was going to do on his math test and how after school he and Isa would stay late to learn how to be crossing guards. He'd been looking forward to it since he was Ben's age and now that it was time, he was a little nervous that he might make a mistake.

"I'm sure you'll do just fine, honey."

"I know. I just have to listen to what they teach us but I'm afraid I'll forget something and make a mistake."

"The only way to know that is to go and do it. Daddy and I will help you any way we can, you know that."

"Yeah I do. Here, you'd better talk to Aves. She is trying to climb on me to get the phone."

"Okay. I love you, son."

"Love you too mama."

There was a scuffling sound, then a loud clanking noise before Avery picked up the phone.

"Hello mama, it is I, Avery Grace, along with Thomas. Good morning to your pretty face."

"Good morning to your pretty face too, baby. What are you doing?"

"Getting dressed for school. Right now I am just in underwear. I cannot decide what clothes to wear. Daddy says I have to hurry so we can take the boys an' then he's gonna take me to the store to get some stuff before it is my turn to go to school. When are you coming home? I did not get to snuggle with you when I woke up. Just had to snuggle with daddy an' he growls like a bear."

"Yeah, his voice is pretty scratchy in the morning."

"You still love him so most, even when he gots messy morning hair and breath?"

"Of course."

"Ew. So when do you get to come home from work?"

"I'll be home in time to pick you up from school."

"Oh good! You an' me an' daddy can play!"

"Yeah, we sure can."

"Okay mama. Get back to work now. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

The old apartment building towered above the street almost swaying in the breeze. The fire escapes creaked and the windows all looked as if they had been placed there in the 1800's. Jess gave a low whistle and locked the door of the SUV, then changed her mind and took the light off the top, locking it inside. This was not the place to leave anything out to be taken.

"Let's try and convince this lady to move the interview to the precinct," she suggested. "This area gives me the creeps, majorly."

"I'll second that," Austin said with a nod, tossing her hair up into a ponytail and checking herself in the side mirror.

"You two are seasoned cops and you're scared of a bad neighborhood?" Lindsay questioned, rolling her eyes. "We're not even picking up a suspect."

"Lindsay, never underestimate the power of a place like this. It's a little too quiet."

"Let's go. All I'm worried about is the roaches in the building."

"What kind of indoor vermin do you have in Montana then?" Jess asked as they headed into the building and by silent agreement took the stairs rather than the elevator.

"Mice sometimes. A snake or two occasionally."

"And you're worried about roaches?"

"Not worried. They're just gross."

"And snakes aren't."

"Snakes are. They totally freak me out. But at least I could shoot a snake. Can't shoot a roach."

"Your logic is dizzying."

The trio chuckled quietly together, making their way up to the ninth floor. They finally had a positive ID on their vic, seven hours after they'd found him. Lindsay had ended up only making it home for an hour then heading back to the lab once the ID was made. She hated missing anything in a case and since Adam was off she didn't feel like she was abandoning the kids.

The vic was 25 year old Marcus Hampton, and he was a resident in this building. Flack had lead a team in searching his apartment earlier but hadn't come up with much. One of the neighbors however had offered up the tidbit that Marcus was in a relationship with the woman in the apartment above him. The girls had offered to talk to her, not sure if she even knew the fate of the man she was seeing. Normally only two of them would be needed to make such a visit but the neighborhood dictated more bodies were acceptable.

"Hey Linds, how's Adam's sister doing?" Austin asked as they started up the second set of stairs.

"She's fine I think. She comes over about once a week, seems like her grades are fine. Actually the other night she seemed like she wanted to ask me something and pulled me into the kitchen to talk but we were interrupted by Avery. I think she chickened out because she kept telling me it wasn't a big deal."

"Think she'll try again?"

"I hope so. I called her yesterday but it went to voicemail and she never called back, so we'll see."

"Apartment 903, right?"

"Yeah, this is it."

Jess knocked lightly on the door of the apartment, actually surprised when it didn't just fall over.

"Sophie Addison, NYPD. We need to talk to you."

The door swung open and a young blonde woman stood on the other side, thin and nervous looking.

"Can I help you?"

The three of them exchanged a brief look; even in her twenties this woman appeared to be no more than fourteen for as small as she was.

"Can we come in?"

"No. I don't… no, you can't come in."

Jess nodded and leaned against the door frame instead while Sophie's eyes drifted to the wall clock that hung just inside the door.

"Sophie, have you been seeing Marcus Hampton?"

"I… no. I'm not supposed to."

"Have you been though?"

"He's nice. He helped me a few weeks ago when a pipe broke. He didn't do anything wrong."

"Sophie, we need to know the truth, okay?"

Light blue eyes met the floor and Sophie mumbled a yes.

"I think you need to let us in."

The small woman moved away from the door and looked at the clock again as the three made their way inside the small apartment.

"Sophie, Marcus was killed late last night."

"What? No! No, he was supposed to take me away!"

"What?"

"Nothing. I can't… what happened?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out. Do you know of anyone that would want to hurt him?"

"No. I don't. He was… we didn't talk about… I'm sorry, I just can't believe…"

She sunk onto the tattered couch, wrapping her arms around her middle and rocking slowly back and forth while she sniffled.

"I don't know why anyone would want to hurt him. He's so kind."

"Sophie, where was he going to take you?"

"Away."

"From what?"

There was a long pause and Sophie swallowed hard, looking up at them with red-rimmed eyes, defeated.

"My father," she confessed after a long moment. "He doesn't want me to go anywhere, do anything. Marcus saw it. He knew. He was going to save me from… everything. He cared about me. We were going to go in the night, after my dad fell asleep. I wasn't brave enough on my own. He made me brave."

"Sophie, is there any way your father could have found out about your plans?"

Shock registered on her face about the same time the front door swung open and a deep voice bellowed for an explanation.

"Daddy did you hurt him?!" Sophie shouted, using up all of her energy to shoot off the couch.

"Who are you people? What do you want? Why did you let them in?"

"You did, didn't you? You hurt him!"

"He was going to take you away!"

In a flash the women were all on their feet, reaching for their weapons.

"Mr. Addison-"

Clearly drunk, he reached for his hip, stumbling as he pulled a gun on them.

"No one is going to take her from me."

The bullet hit the wall and before they had time to react, Mr. Addison had entered the room, grabbing his daughter around the waist, pulling her towards the door.

"No, daddy please!"

"Mr. Addison let her go."

"She's my daughter! No one is going to take her away! Not you, not that good for nothing sorry excuse for a human being!"

Sophie kicked against him, screaming and twisting, making it impossible for anyone to take him down.

"I hate you! I hate you!" she shouted finally, using the very last of her reserves. "Let me go!"

"Mr. Addison, let your daughter go."

His eyes flashed with something that later, none of the three of them would be able to describe, then he flung his daughter as hard as he could against the wall. Her arms hit the drywall and she fell, moaning as her father raced out of the apartment, his feet thudding against the stairs. Austin and Jess took off after him while Lindsay crouched down next to Sophie, who looked shaken and bruised but otherwise fine.

"Are you alright?"

"Fine. Go get him. Please go get him. He killed Marcus."

"I know."

"Please, I'm fine."

"Sophie-"

"Just get him. Please. He'll never lock me away again. He'll never hurt me again. Just please don't let him get away."

Knowing that she had to make the decision now, Lindsay nodded.

"Do you have any neighbors that are home right now?"

"Yes."

"Go there. An officer will come and get you, okay?"

"I'll be across the hall."

Lindsay made sure she was safely tucked inside, then made the call that they had a witness that needed to be picked up. She could hear the yelling and knew that Austin and Jess were chasing Mr. Addison down the stairs still. She quickly ducked into the rusty elevator, pounding the button for the lobby, hoping she could at least catch up to them. This guy must be a fantastic runner for Austin and Jess to not have caught up with him yet.

The elevator arrived at the bottom floor and she watched through the screen as Austin and Jess raced out the front door of the building and down the street. Lindsay took off after them, cursing herself for not working out at all in the last few months. Her side ached already, but she could see that Mr. Addison was slowing down as he rounded the corner into an alley. Picking up her speed she approached the alley and stopped, peeking briefly around the corner.

"Drop your weapon!" Austin shouted, while Mr. Addison took cover behind a pile of discarded furniture. "This isn't going to end well, I can stand here longer than you can."

"No one is going to take her away from me!"

"You beat her didn't you? Imprisoned her in her own home? Broke her spirit? Because you're a coward."

"Shut up!"

"You found out she was going to leave, she was going to go with Marcus away from you forever."

"I said shut up!"

Lindsay tensed; she knew what Austin was doing, trying to rile him up enough that he would come out of hiding. But that put everyone in danger as well. There wasn't a lot they could do until back-up arrived and Lindsay hoped that this man's resolve to remain uninjured was very, very high.

"You killed him, didn't you? Followed him last night and beat him. Grabbed whatever was handy to stop his gasping breaths, stop his life."

"No one can steal what's mine!"

"No one is going to. But you're still never going to see your daughter again."

_Austin what are you doing?_ Lindsay thought, wishing she could send a telepathic message to her best friend. _Don't be an idiot. _

"Yes I will, she's mine!"

"She's not yours and she's already gone. You tried to destroy her but you didn't and now she's going to walk away. No matter what you've done, you lost her anyway. Now put the gun-"

Two shots blasted off in quick succession, then a third, and Lindsay looked around the corner, afraid of what she would find.


	294. Chapter 294

A/N: Yes another update already! I have actually had this chapter mostly written for over a year. Sometimes I write into the future a lot. Anyways, enjoy... or something...

* * *

Austin lay on the ground and Lindsay rushed to her, stomach lurching at the blood that was already spreading. Mr. Addison was lying in the same place he had stood while Jess knelt over him, checking for vital signs and calling for an ambulance.

"Aust, you alright?" Lindsay asked, hoping it wasn't as bad as it looked.

"Fine. Fine," Austin said, breathing deeply. Upon further inspection Lindsay could see that there was blood nearly gushing from Austin's shoulder and she couldn't tell if the wound was just in her shoulder or if it was lower. Peeling her coat off, she balled it up and placed it under Austin's head, then used her hands to try and stop the blood flow. It gushed between her fingers and she knew that there was no way she was going to be able to slow it down, much less stop it. She couldn't even be sure that the bullet hadn't nicked her heart.

"Austin, you need to keep your eyes open for me."

"Can't."

"Yes you can. I've got you Aust, you're going to be okay."

The tone of her voice belied what she was saying and Austin started to breathe faster as the pain got more intense and the blood loss became more evident.

"Tell Danny… kids… I love them."

"Stop it. Don't talk like that."

"Make sure… okay."

"Austin you're just fine. Keep looking at me. Don't close your eyes."

She was trying, but it felt like she needed to sleep, like everything would be better if she could just close her eyes for a minute. Even a second would help.

"Austin don't you dare leave me," Lindsay said, not caring that she was crying or that her clothes were irrevocably stained with her best friend's blood. "You promised me you'd never leave. I'm not ready to let you go. Don't you dare. If you do this to me I will never forgive you."

"Love you."

"Austin, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me!"

Austin's eyes stayed closed and Lindsay's hands started to shake as she tried to think of what to do next. Jess had been frantically calling for a bus this entire time and there were sirens in the distance but they just weren't close enough.

"Come on, Austin. Please. I love you, you're okay, but you aren't ready to go yet. You're going to be fine, you need to wake up."

She repeated the words over and over again, checking Austin's pulse occasionally, finding it thready and weak.

"Linds, they're here," Jess said softly. "You need to let the paramedics take over."

"I can't leave her!"

"You're not leaving her," Jess assured, trying to pull her away to make room for the EMT's who couldn't do much with Lindsay in the way.

"No!"

She couldn't describe the feeling of desperation and protectiveness that surged through her and while she knew that the paramedics needed to take over, she couldn't help but feel almost guilty at moving away. She stayed on the ground at Austin's feet, watching as the paramedics worked frantically to stop the blood flow enough so they could transport her.

Back up had arrived by then, a few cops that Lindsay would have recognized if she'd been paying attention, but the EMT's were getting ready to move Austin into the back of the ambulance and she was afraid they weren't going to let her ride along. They rolled her onto a backboard and then onto a gurney and Lindsay stuck with them as they got into the ambulance. It was a long and bumpy ride to the hospital, but she wasn't really paying attention to that. Her hands were caked with blood and she'd wiped them off on her pants as best she could, then sat there holding Austin's hand, praying that the blood would stop flowing so heavily. She wasn't sure how much had been lost, but it felt like all of it, and as she watched the vital signs out of the corner of her eye, it became increasingly evident that they needed to get to the hospital very soon.

"Her pressure's dropping!"

Lindsay snapped to attention at that, glancing at the paramedic and feeling panic rise within her chest. They were too far away from the hospital, they would never get there in time, she was about to lose her best friend.

"Austin," she started, leaning down close to her ear, pushing the dark, matted curls away. "You need to hold on. Please. We can't be without you. We love you too much."

There was no response and Lindsay took a deep breath realizing that this could be the last time she could say anything to her best friend. It almost rendered her speechless, but she pushed through, knowing she had to say it.

"It's okay if you have to go, Austin. I'll take care of the kids and Danny. They'll know how much you love them. I won't fail you, I promise. I love you, I love you, I love you."

They were the most difficult words she'd ever had to speak but she knew if she didn't say them and the worst happened, she would never be able to help Danny or the kids.

It seemed like desperate years before they arrived at the hospital and the ambulance doors swung open, chaos and noise coming in. Before she could keep up, they were whisking Austin inside the hospital and Lindsay leapt out of the ambulance to follow. They shut her out of the trauma room and she stood at the door, adrenaline and fear surging through her as she watched the doctors work. Austin looked so helpless and Lindsay couldn't think of a time she'd ever looked helpless before.

"Lindsay?"

Tearing her eyes away from the door for a split second, she found Flack and Jess at her side.

"Her pressure dropped," she said softly, blinking a few times to make the images of blood go away. "I don't know anything else."

"Let's go get you cleaned up."

"No. I can't leave her."

"I'll stay right here," Flack said with a nod. "Go with Jess."

"I can't."

"Lindsay, you need to walk away for a second and take a breath."

"Okay."

She let herself be led away from the door and down the hallway to a small bathroom.

"I can't go in there."

"Lindsay, it's okay, we'll be right out."

"No, you don't understand."

"You're right, I don't. But right now you need to get cleaned up because if Danny gets here and sees you covered in blood he's going to freak out, and you don't need to keep looking at it."

She started to breathe heavily and slid down the wall feeling like she was going to pass out. Blood. Gunshot wound. Cold linoleum floor. It was too much, way too much.

"Lindsay, look at me and breathe."

"I'm… I'm… scared."

"I know. But she needs you to be strong right now, okay?"

"Okay."

They went into the bathroom and Lindsay washed her hands and face, finally looking down at the mess on her clothes. She wanted nothing more than to take these clothes off and burn them.

"Here. Austin left her trench coat in the back of my car, you could put it on until we can find you a change of clothes."

Lindsay nodded and slid into the coat, then led the way out of the bathroom and back down the hall. Her hands were shaky and it felt like her legs were going to give out beneath her but she knew she couldn't give in to that right now. There would be time to be scared later. She needed to be strong and clearheaded until everything was okay again.

"They took her up to surgery," Flack reported as they came back. His tone said there was more to the story but Lindsay wasn't in the right state of mind to notice. If they had taken Austin up to surgery then her blood pressure had stabilized at least a little, and the blood flow probably wasn't so bad. There were risks of course, but if the doctors had the confidence that she was stable enough for surgery, then that was a good sign.

Still though, the images haunted her, loud inside her head and she desperately wanted to go into a dark room and rock back and forth for a while, telling herself it would be okay.

"Did someone call Danny?"

"I did," Jess answered softly. "He's on his way. Come on, let's go upstairs. You need to sit down."

Lindsay nodded and the three of them got into the elevator, headed up to the fifth floor. She wanted to sit down so badly but she really couldn't right now, so she settled for leaning against the wall. In moments where everything was too much and her mind was getting the best of her, she usually wanted Adam to come and hold her and whisper to her and calm her down. But this time, all she wanted was her best friend. She needed the assurance that she would be okay, that life was not about to change so tragically.

"Linds, why don't you sit down and call Adam."

"Okay," she said softly, watching Flack pace across the floor. Austin may have been her best friend, but she was also Flack's partner and they'd lived a lot of their lives together. He was worried too.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and called Adam. His voice nearly sent her to tears and she sucked in a deep breath before she spoke.

"Adam. I need you."

"I just heard. The kids are with the neighbor until Hannah gets here and I'm on my way right now."

"I'm…"

"I know. Just breathe, I'll be right there."

"Please hurry."

"Sweetie, this isn't the same. Austin's going to be just fine. So are you. It's okay."

"But what if-"

"No what if's, Lindsay. You don't get to think like that. You just hold on and make sure you're strong enough to see her when she wakes up."

"Okay."

"I love you. I'm stuck in traffic but I'll be there as soon as I can."

She hung up the phone and sat quietly until Danny came into the room, frantic, but not as bad as she had been.

"Have you heard anything yet?" he asked, trying to stay calm.

"Not yet. They just took her into surgery about twenty minutes ago."

Twenty minutes. Had it really been that long that they were sitting there? She stayed silent as Danny and Flack talked, watching them out of the corner of her eye and pulling the trench coat tighter around her. There was something in the pocket and she reached in to see what it was. Austin's keys. The horseshoe keychain that she'd bestowed on her best friend so many, many birthdays ago was still hanging there, roughed up from the years, but still with the same intent behind it.

_Oh Austin, you would forgo the vest and forget the keychain on the same day, wouldn't you?_

She could almost see the smirk Austin would give her for that comment and she ran her hands over the cool metal, feeling like this was the deepest connection she could forge at the moment. A set of keys, something so personal, something no one else in the world could ever have exactly the same. She looked them all over carefully, counting house keys, car keys, miscellaneous keys that were probably old, and some that had maybe just been found and collected, pleasing to her eye and important at the time she'd joined them up with her collection. She let her mind wonder about them, but the more she wondered, the more she wanted to ask, and the more her heart pounded in her ears with the thought that she may not ever get to.

The door to the waiting room opened and they all snapped to attention, none of them realizing just how long they'd been sitting there. She listened more to the tone of voice than the actual words, not because she couldn't concentrate, but because she was so afraid of what she might hear that she needed to steel herself against it.

She watched the reaction, sighs of relief it seemed, after the doctor left the room. It wasn't bad at least, and she could feel her body relax just a little while Danny crossed the room and tipped her chin up. He couldn't go and care for his wife at the moment, but he could channel some of that into making sure Lindsay was alright. He knew how hard this had to have hit her and as his initial fear and shock wore off, he was able to see that hers hadn't.

"Montana, you breathin'?"

His voice was different than she had ever heard it, as if he was barely hanging onto sanity. She nodded and he stared deep into her eyes for a moment, wanting her to tell him what was going on in her head.

"She's going to be fine, Linds. Her pressure is back to normal, the bullet didn't hit anything that can't be fixed. She'll probably have to be in a sling, but that's her own fault."

Lindsay gave him the barest of smiles and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"You going to be okay?"

"Yeah."

"Swear?"

"Yes."

He hugged her tightly and she wanted to let go of the fear and pain and just cry it out, but she couldn't make herself do it. She felt like holding it in was akin to holding vigil, and she needed to keep doing that until it was all over.

The door opened again and Adam came in, immediately asking how Austin was before he crossed the room and pulled Lindsay into his arms. She went limp against him and closed her eyes, letting it sink in that Austin was going to be just fine.

* * *

Adam finally convinced her to go home and get cleaned up, and as she hadn't seen Austin yet, she'd been refusing for over an hour. Eventually she got tired of arguing, tired of looking down and seeing blood on her clothes, tired of sitting there and doing nothing.

The hot water poured over her and swirled down the drain and for a moment she was reminded of that first shower in the hospital after the girls had died. She remembered the dull sound of the water, pelting her like small white hot bullets. She remembered the sight of the pink tinged water circling down the drain, the sight of her painted toenails, seemingly so silly in light of what had just happened.

Now it wasn't much different, though the pain of loss wasn't thrumming within her chest this time. She still harbored fear, she still shook with adrenaline and when she closed her eyes, everything was still red, red, red. Her vision shifted, focusing in closer while everything further than an arms reach became blurry. It was almost as if she was a mime in a box, unable to see beyond or to interact with anything outside the box. She recognized the feeling well and as desperately as she rejected it, she felt a slight comfort in it, for it was well known.

"Babe, you okay in there?"

"Yeah, almost done."

"Danny just called. Austin's awake."

"Okay."

She could tell he hadn't moved away from the door, was standing there waiting for her, worrying about her, so she shut the water off and stepped out of the shower, toweling herself off before sliding into the robe she'd brought in with her and opening the door. Adam tried to act like he wasn't waiting for her, but she wasn't fooled as he held his hand out to her. She took it and they stood there for a moment watching each other before he tugged on her hand and led her upstairs.

"You need something warm to wear," he said, opening the closet while she sat down on the bed. "Do you trust me to pick something out?"

She nodded and he rifled through her side of the closet, making disapproving clucks as he tried to put outfits together. It would have been amusing if she was in the mood to be amused. He finally picked out a light gray turtleneck and a navy blue thermal cardigan, an outfit he always liked her in. It took him longer to find pants, but he soon settled for a pair of dark wash jeans and handed them to her, then grabbed some underthings out of the drawer. She sat for a moment, staring at the cloth in her hands before pulling it all on. Adam watched her as she moved, not to see her bare, but because he needed to read her movements and make sure she was okay. He could feel her slipping back into the past, he knew what the memories could do to her and he was worried that even though their reality was okay now, tonight when she closed her eyes, the terrors of the past would come flooding back. He couldn't feel what she felt, but the darkest of the thoughts he wanted to head off at the pass.

"Honey, come here," he said after a moment. She stood up and walked to him, resting against him as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Sweetie, I want you to remember that this isn't then. I know it's hard to stop thinking about it, but Austin is just fine, she's safe, and nothing is going to get her. All of us are safe."

"I always worry about it. I don't know if it's something I can ever learn to not think about."

"I have no answer for that babe. I don't know if it's wrong for you to think about it or if it's something you need to work through. All I know is that right now it's not happening."

She closed her eyes and kept close to him for a moment, the beating of his heart slowing down the racing of her own.

"I need to go see her."

"I know. I'll take you as soon as Danny says you can see her."

"Can you hold my hand really, really tight?"

He nodded and dropped a kiss to her forehead.

"It's going to be okay. She probably needs to see you as much as you need to see her."

"Can we go now? Even if we just wait at the hospital?"

"Yeah, let's get out of here."

The sun had already set when they got in the car, and the drive to the hospital took a lot less time than it had taken him earlier in the day. He held her hand all the way there, knowing how hard it was going to be to see Austin like this.

"You call me when you're ready to come home and we'll come get you."

"Okay."

"She'll be okay, hon. Give her a hug for me."

"I will. Love you."

"Love you too."

She got out of the car and went into the hospital, checking her phone for the room number Danny had sent her, then stepping onto the elevator and hitting the button for the appropriate floor.

She had to keep reminding herself that this wasn't at all the same. This time she wasn't going to a grave site to say goodbye, she was going to a hospital room and saying hello. Quietly she opened the door and poked her head inside, finding Austin in bed, looking disheveled and exhausted, and Danny sitting next to her, holding her hand.

"Hey, Montana," Danny said softly, waving her in.

"Hi. How is she?"

"Tired. You want to sit with her for a bit? I need to call my mom and check on the kids."

"Yeah, of course."

He kissed his wife's hand then stood up, leaving the chair for Lindsay. She crossed the room to take it but he stopped her partway there hugging her tightly for just a second.

"I'm glad you were there for her."

She nodded and he let her go, stepping out of the room so they could have a few minutes.

"Hey Lin," Austin greeted, her voice croaky.

"Hey Goose," Lindsay replied softly, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore and tired."

"Did you at least get some good drugs?"

"Oh yeah, me and Sylvester are great buds."

"It makes me feel better that you've named your I.V. stand."

"What, were you worried about me?"

Lindsay's gaze dropped to the bed sheets and she took a deep breath before she spoke.

"No, not at all."

"I'm okay, Lin."

"I know. But it wasn't very long ago that you weren't."

Austin was quiet as she reached over and took Lindsay's hand.

"I wish you hadn't been there," she said. "I know how hard that was for you."

"It doesn't matter how hard it was, Austin. I would have hated to have been anywhere else."

"I was scared."

"I know. You started to talk like you weren't going to make it."

"I did? I don't remember."

"I didn't think you would."

They sat quietly for a few minutes and Lindsay could tell that Austin was drifting in and out of sleep. There was something about sitting there in the silence that seemed to calm her and she ran her free hand gently up and down Austin's arm.

"Are you cold?" she asked, suddenly needing something to do.

"Yeah."

Lindsay stood up and retrieved the extra blanket off the end of the bed, tucking it around Austin and being careful to avoid her bad arm and shoulder.

"Thanks Lin."

"You're welcome. Can I do anything else?"

"Just stay for a bit."

"Alright."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about me, Austin. I'm fine."

"Okay."

"Do you know how much I love you?"

Austin gave a sleepy smile and nodded.

"Love you too Lin."

"Get some sleep, okay?"

"Can you check on the kids later?"

"Danny's mom is with them."

"I know. I just need you to check. Isa will need you."

"I'll make sure to see them before they go to bed."

"Thank you."

"Go to sleep, Austin. I'll stay until Danny gets back."

"Thank you."

* * *

"Oh Lindsay, I'm so glad you're here," Grace Messer breathed, wringing her hands. "I don't know what to tell the kids. Sarah won't stop crying. I think they need you."

"Where's Isa?"

"In her room. She shut the door, wasn't even going to eat until Daniel begged her to."

"I'll start with him, see if I can get him to go to sleep."

"Thank you. How's Austin?"

"Out of the woods. It's going to be a hard recovery. The second bullet… they had to repair her heart. I don't know how long it's going to be before she's up and around. She'll be in the hospital for a while."

"What can I do?"

"Just be here with the kids so she doesn't have to worry."

Grace nodded and took a deep breath, sinking back into the couch to silently worry about her daughter-in-law while Lindsay made her way to Junior's bedroom. She smiled at the toys on the floor and the distinct boy smell that permeated everything.

"Hey guy."

"Aunt Lin!"

He jumped out of bed and stumbled across the room to hug her, burying his face in her stomach.

"How's my ma?" he asked after a moment, when she lifted him up into her arms.

"She's just fine. Sassy as ever. It's going to be a while before she's up and running and she's really tired but she's just fine."

"Will she have cool scars?"

"Probably."

"That's okay then."

"She wanted to give you a big fat kiss but I guess I'll have to do it for her."

He laughed as she peppered his face with kisses, breathing him in and holding him close.

"Could you tuck me in like my ma does?" he asked, keeping his arms around her neck.

"I can try. What's first?"

"Well first you tuck me in real tight like a straight jacket," he started, sliding down from her arms. "Then you kiss me and tell me you love me more'n a grass stained Yanks jersey. And then you kiss me again and turn out the light. How do you tuck in Ben?"

"Usually I hug and kiss him and he holds my hand and we talk for a few minutes before he goes to sleep."

"That's good, but can we try my ma's way first?"

She smiled and obeyed his instructions, giving him a few extra hugs and kisses before turning off the light.

"I love you guy. Get some rest."

She closed his door most of the way and crept into Sarah's room, finding it neat as a pin with its owner crying against the lacy pillows on the bed.

"Oh Sarahlove, it's okay," she started, pulling the little girl into her arms.

"But she's hurt, auntie."

"Yes, she's hurt but she's doing alright. I just left there and she's sleeping and she doesn't have any pain. She's holding your daddy's hand and she's just fine."

"Are you telling me the truth?"

"Yes I am. Your ma is okay, Sarah. It's going to take her some time to get back to normal, but she'll get there."

"I just cannot stop crying."

"I know, it's really hard to catch your breath and you can't stop thinking about it."

"I really wish Averylin was here. A girl needs her best friend at a time like this."

"I totally agree."

"Could you rock me please? I just need to feel safe and calm."

They moved over to the rocking chair which had stood in the same place since the height of Sarah's baby doll days and Lindsay rocked back and forth for a few minutes, humming softly.

"I'm getting too big for your lap," Sarah whispered, tugging lightly on Lindsay's locket and flipping it open to look at the pictures inside, something all six kids seemed to do when they needed a little comfort.

"Never. We'll always fit you in. Just like Tetris."

"I love you."

"I love you too Sarah."

"When can we see my ma?"

"Maybe in a couple days? I don't know for sure. The doctor will tell us all more in the morning."

"If ma was not okay, you would tell me, right?"

"I will always tell you the truth, Sarah Claire."

"You won't let anyone know that I needed my baby blanket and stuff, right?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Could I see Averylin soon?"

"Probably tomorrow. Go to sleep honey."

"I just need one of her hugs," she explained on a yawn. "Makes me feel good inside."

"Me too."

"You love my ma the same way I love Averylin, right?"

"Yeah."

"If Averylin was hurt I would cry so much. She listens to all my secrets and she cheers me up when my feelings get hurt. If I didn't have Averylin it wouldn't be the same. Is that how you feel about my ma?"

"Yeah. I don't know what I would do without her."

"It's good that you don't have to try and figure that out."

"I agree."

They rocked in the chair for a while longer before Sarah's mumblings finally petered out and Lindsay tucked her in. Making sure the window was locked and the nightlight was on, she stepped out of the room, finding Isa in the hallway, her face puffy and red.

"I heard you talking to Sarah. I need you. Indy, I know I'm kind of too old but… could you maybe give me a cuddle for just a few minutes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I would just feel better if… just a few minutes?"

Lindsay nodded and followed Isa into her messy bedroom. Kicking clothes out of the way they both stretched out on the bed and Isa snuggled beneath the blankets with a yawn.

"Indy?"

"Yeah?"

"If my ma died today, would she know that I love her?"

"Isa, don't think like that."

"Would she?"

"Yes, she would. She will always know."

"Even if me and her had a fight this morning?"

"Even then."

"Okay. I just want her to know. I get afraid sometimes when she's at work. I'm afraid that she'll get hurt or die."

Lindsay was quiet, knowing that it was a real possibility, because she'd worried about it herself. There was nothing honest to say that could make Isa feel better, so she didn't say anything at all.

"Daddy said that you were there when my ma got shot."

"Yeah, I was."

"Where did she get shot? How many times?"

"Two times. In the shoulder. It damaged her heart a little but they already took care of that."

"Were you scared?"

"Yeah. I was really, really scared."

"Are you scared now?"

"No. She's fine, my girl. You have nothing to worry about and neither do I."

"Okay. Can you stay here until I fall asleep?"

"Sure sweetie."

Isa smiled and reached up to touch Lindsay's hair, the same way she did with her mom.

"I love you Indy."

"I love you too Isa."

They lay quietly together for several minutes until Isa's breathing evened and she fell asleep. Lindsay couldn't hold it in any longer and she wrapped her arms tighter around the young girl and finally let the tears fall, almost silent as she purged all the fear and worry out of her system. She couldn't make this like last time. Austin needed her to be strong, and strong she would be. She was not going to have nightmares, she was not going to flashback, and she was not going to see blood in places where there wasn't any. Austin was going to have a long recovery but she would make it through and everything would be fine. What happened in the ambulance would never happen again, what happened in the alley would soon just be the story of another scar, and what had happened in the diner had absolutely no bearing on today.


	295. Chapter 295

"_Austin don't you do this to me!"_

"_She's bleeding out."_

"_Please don't make me do this again!"_

"_Lost a pulse."_

"_Austin I can't lose you. Please don't go!"_

"_Starting compressions."_

"_Don't you dare do this! The kids need you Austin. You have to fight. You have to fight harder than you ever have."_

"_Charge to 200. Clear!"_

"_You don't get to go first."_

"_250. Clear!"_

"_You promised me!"_

"_300. Clear!"_

"_Please, please. We can't lose you. You'll miss so much."_

"_300 again. Clear!"_

"_Please don't go."_

"_350. Clear!"_

"_I love you. Don't leave me here Austin."_

"_She's lost too much blood, we're shredding her heart."_

"_Austin."_

"_She's gone."_

* * *

Lindsay shot straight up in bed, breath screeching back into her lungs as she tried to get her bearings. She didn't know for certain if she'd dreamt a memory or a terror and she tried to scramble out of the blankets, but felt two strong hands pulling her back.

"Babe, it's okay. She's fine."

"Nightmare."

"I know. Austin's fine, babe. She's stable and probably sleeping right now."

"But… I just…"

"Danny's with her."

"I need to go. I have to make sure."

"Linds-"

"I need to, Adam. I can't just sit here."

He sighed and sat up, keeping his hands on her shoulders so she wouldn't suddenly leap off the bed like she normally did when a nightmare made her doubt reality. He pulled her gently back towards him, running his hands up and down her arms while the last shivers from the nightmare wore off.

"Lindsay, I know you're worried and I know this was horrible. But right now you have to remember that any kind of stress is going to be ten times worse for her. You two always feed off of each other's emotions and she can't have that right now."

"I know."

"I understand why you want and need to run down there right now and check on her but you can't."

She pulled in a deep breath and he settled them back against the pillows, tucking her hair behind her ear and gauging how warm she was. Often her nightmares sent her into a fever, especially when she'd recently been sick. She seemed okay for now and he tugged the blankets up a little, more for safety than warmth.

"Babe, why don't you talk it out? Just let me in."

She was quiet for a while, skittering her fingers across the back of his hand and trying to control herself enough that she could speak.

"I watched her dying, Adam. I can't get that out of my head. I watched as her heart and breathing stopped, I watched them shock her back. I watched her entire body seize up and slam back down on that gurney three times in a row and I didn't think they would ever get her back. I need to see her well so I can get all that out of my head."

"I get that, sweetie. After Colton was born and you lost all that blood, even for weeks after I would have moments of panic that something was going to happen."

"But?"

"But nothing. I completely understand your fear."

"I know that she's alright, she's stable, she's patched up and nothing is going to happen. But I can't stop the thoughts."

"It's hard. Eventually you won't worry anymore but this little while that she's in the hospital is going to be hard. Once she's home it will be easier."

"Okay."

"You're not going to go back to sleep, are you?"

"Probably not."

"I'll sit up with you."

"No, you need sleep."

"So do you. Lay down, we'll get you so comfortable that you can't help but get some shut-eye."

"Can't I please just go to the hospital and… please?"

"They're not going to let you in."

"I don't care. I'll stand outside her room and look through the window. I just need to see her, okay?"

He sighed and nodded, knowing that he couldn't argue with her about this and expect to win. She was going, it was just a matter of keeping her here until a better hour or letting her go now for a while and come back in time to get some sleep.

"Just don't stay too long okay?"

She nodded and stood from the bed, changing clothes in the dark while he lay in bed, wishing he could figure out how to make this a little easier.

"I'll be back in an hour," she promised, leaning over to kiss him.

"Drive safe. And please don't get upset if they won't let you in."

"I won't."

He tugged on her hand and pulled her back to the bed, wrapping his arms tightly around her and holding her for a long time.

"I'm sorry this happened, babe. But I'm going to be here to help you through all of it, alright?"

"I know."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

No one ever spoke of what happened after the tragedy was past. Not a word was spoken about the immediate after effects, no one prepared you for getting through the next few days when the terror was still so close, yet so far. Lindsay stood in the doorway of the hospital room, wondering why there had been no warning about how horrible it felt to see her best friend laying in a bed, IV lines and a nasal cannula as new accessories.

She stepped carefully into the room not wanting to wake Danny who was asleep in one of the chairs. Slowly she sat down on the edge of the bed, taking Austin's hand in hers and threading their fingers together.

"I thought I lost you. I can't even say it really. I love you and I need you to be okay. Besides, you won that bet earlier, I have to pay you back."

Austin continued to sleep and Lindsay sighed, not sure what to do with herself. She couldn't believe that in the space of six months Adam had lost his mother and she'd almost lost her best friend. The realization made her breath hitch in her throat as tears slid down her cheeks, landing somewhere on the bed. She couldn't lose it here, not in a public place and not where it may wake someone. She took a deep breath and instead concentrated on the monitors that Austin was hooked up to. Neon lines and quiet blips belied what had almost happened, insuring instead that it had not.

"Linds?"

"Hey."

"Are you a drug induced mirage?"

"No," Lindsay chuckled, giving Austin's hand a gentle squeeze. "I'm really here. Did I wake you?"

"I don't know. I hurt."

"Want me to get a nurse?"

"No. Jus' hold my hand."

"You got it, dude."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"You sound terrible."

"So do you."

"I got shot," Austin said with a wry grin. "What's your excuse?"

"You got shot."

"Fair enough. You havin' nightmares? Is that why you're here at what I can guess is about 2 in the morning?"

"Your internal clock appears undamaged. And yes. Snuck past the nurse."

"Atta girl."

They regarded each other for a moment in the darkness, years of friendship negating the need for actually seeing each other. Austin let out a grunt of pain after a moment and Lindsay leaned closer, using her free hand to brush Austin's curls back.

"You okay?"

"Could you hit the nurse button?"

Lindsay nodded and found the device, hitting the button once and giving Austin's hand a squeeze.

"Just a few minutes."

"Lin?"

"Hmm?"

"How bad was it?"

"We'll talk about it later."

"That bad, huh?"

"Later, Aust."

Austin was going to protest but the nurse came in, seeing Lindsay but not saying anything as she flipped on the dim light over the bed to check the chart.

"Pain huh? I'll have to check and see if we can up your dosage. How's the pain on the 1-10 scale?"

"About a seven. The incisions are bad but my chest hurts worse."

Lindsay grimaced; the chest pain was probably from the CPR and defibrillation.

"More ice-chips and a wet cloth on the order as well. Anything else I can do for you sweetie?"

"No thanks."

"Alright. I'll be back in a bit."

She shuffled silently out of the room and Austin shifted in the bed, awake enough from the pain now that she wanted to sit up and move around a little, maybe try to take a few deep breaths.

"How are the kids?" she asked finally, when moving proved to be nearly impossible.

"They're alright. Junior is mostly concerned that your scars will look cool. Sarah is more worried but I think I got her calmed down."

"And Isabeth?"

"I laid in bed with her for a while and she fell asleep but she kept waking up and asking me why she couldn't see you. I think she needs to come visit and see how bad it is but that you're okay. She's terrified that something's going to happen still."

"They won't let her in here."

"They might. I'll sneak her if I have to. She really needs to see you."

"Alright."

The nurse returned and changed the IV bag, then delivered the ice chips and wet rag before leaving.

"I'd better let you get some sleep."

"Please don't leave yet. Wait until I succumb to the miracles of modern chemistry?"

"I think you already have."

Austin chuckled and yawned, then groaned at the pain it caused her.

"Tell me something good. But don't make me laugh too much."

"Something good. Hmm. Well the kids made get well cards for you. Colton wrote a bunch in his but wouldn't let anyone read it. Ben drew you pictures of coffee and baseball, and Avery found my chocolate and used it to color the entire front of the card. When Adam asked her why she said "If her cannot eat chocolate in the hospital, she can smell it and feel happy all the same." I figure I can sacrifice some chocolate for that."

"I can't wait to get those cards."

"I'll bring them by in the morning."

"Hey, what happened with Addison?"

"He's dead."

"Sophie?"

"She's going to be fine. We've got her set up with a counselor and some job programs and other things to get her on her feet. I think the problem is that she's never been away from home. He pulled her out of school when she was ten. There had to be abuse before then. I think he broke her like you said. I don't know what's going to happen."

Austin nodded, drifting slowly in and out of sleep, not catching the entire explanation, but enough that she would remember in the morning.

"Hey Aust, I'm going to go. I want you to get some sleep, alright?"

"M'kay."

"I love you Goose."

"I love you too Linny."

Lindsay smiled and gave Austin's hand another squeeze before slipping out of the room, feet almost silent on the floor.

* * *

"I feel little."

Lindsay looked down at Isa quizzically while they stepped through the hospital doors later that day.

"What do you mean honey?"

"I feel little. I don't know why, I just do."

They stepped into the elevator and Lindsay crouched down to look Isa in the eye.

"Are you scared?"

"Yes."

"You want me to tell you what you're going to see?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. There's a few tubes that are running into her arm giving her some pain medicine. They don't hurt her though. She might still have oxygen too, but maybe not."

"Is there blood?"

"None that you can see. It's hard for her to sit up and she might not be able to hug you, even if she wants to."

"Can I hug her?"

"Yes, if you're very careful."

"So basically all I can do is sit there?"

"You can talk to her, honey. She's probably not sleeping but she's tired."

"I don't know if I want to see her all hurt."

"I won't lie to you, Isa. It's not easy to see. But we have to be brave because seeing people she loves makes her better."

"Okay. I'm ready."

Lindsay gave her a hug and they stepped off the elevator, finding Danny coming down the hall with a cup of coffee.

"Daddy!"

He set the cup on a chair and caught her in his arms, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"Hey baby, you're just in time. Your ma's gettin' restless."

"She wants to see me?"

"Of course. Come on, I'll get you settled and you two can have some time."

They disappeared into the hospital room and Lindsay sat in one of the chairs across the hall, yawning and rubbing at her eyes. Returning home in the wee hours of the morning, she'd curled up on the couch and fallen into a fitful sleep; no nightmares, but lots of waking up. Once the sun rose she'd called it a wash and went into the kitchen, preparing a big breakfast because having something to do made her feel better.

"Aren't you going to drink that?"

She looked up at Danny confusedly as he gestured the coffee he'd put down a few minutes before.

"Huh?"

"I got that for you. Figured you might need it."

"Oh. Thanks."

She took the Styrofoam in her hands and he sat down next to her, elbows on his knees.

"You alright, Danny?"

He nodded and she reached over to squeeze his shoulder, wishing she knew what to say.

"How do I tell her I want her to stop?"

"Hmm?"

"How do I tell Austin that I don't want her doing this job anymore?"

"You tell her and then… you take cover."

"Linds, I need legitimate advice here."

"I'm giving you legitimate advice, Danny. You and I both know that you cannot tell her to do or not do something. You can tell her what you're worried about and you can tell her what you would like her to do but you cannot tell her to actually do it. She has to get there herself."

"I know that. I'm just afraid that it's going to take another incident like this for her to get there."

"I am too. And it's my first instinct to say that we should double team her on this but Danny, she's going to be out for a while, maybe long enough that she's going to start questioning this herself."

"Maybe."

"I'm worried too."

He sighed and sat back in his chair, rubbing at his eyes.

"Here, drink the rest," she offered, handing him the coffee cup. "I think you need it as bad as I do."

"It's cold now."

"It still works."

He nodded and drained the rest of the cup then crushed it in his hands while Lindsay studied the way he sat, wondering what she could do to help him.

"Hey Danny, you want us to take the kids tonight? Let you get some real sleep?"

"Nah, they need to be at home."

"Okay. Then do you want me to bring you dinner? You can't feed the kids pizza every night of the week. I'll just double what I'm making."

"Nah, it's not a big deal."

"Daniel Messer."

"Okay, fine. And maybe if the kids want to stay with you that would be alright."

"Don't say we're a family then get all upset when we all act like it."

He chuckled and shook his head, glancing up at the door across the hall.

"This is hard."

"I know."

"There's been a lot of times I thought I might lose her. Times we broke up and I worried I'd never see her again. I don't really… this time seems different."

"She's fine, Danny."

"I know that. I'm just going to be freaked out for a while."

"That's normal."

The door opened and Isa poked her head out, a smile across her face.

"Indy, come in. Ma wants to talk to you."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Probably," Isa teased. "But I don't think that's what she wants to talk to you about."

Lindsay chuckled and stood up, following Isa into the room. Austin was sitting up now, had a little more color in her cheeks and besides the fact that she wasn't really moving, she looked almost back to normal.

"Hey Goose. You summoned?"

Austin gave her a half grin and yawned.

"I have a favor to ask you."

"Ask away."

"I promised the girls last week that I would take them to get their ears pierced today after school. And now… I don't think I can take this entire bed up the escalator at the mall."

"And I told her that Sarah and I can wait because we're not preschoolers but she said that she promised and you know how stubborn she is, Indy."

"Yes, I know."

"Could you take them for me? I don't want to make them wait anymore and Danny gets queasy about that kind of stuff."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Just take pictures."

"Austin."

"If you don't want to that's okay."

"No, I want to and I will… but I feel bad that you're missing it."

"I do too."

"The girls can wait."

"No. I promised."

"Okay."

Lindsay sighed and gave Austin's foot a squeeze.

"I'll send you pictures."

"Thanks Lin."

As Isa said goodbye, Lindsay read Austin's body language and the look in her eyes. They weren't going to have to wait long for her to admit that maybe it was time for a change. Austin wasn't going to let herself miss any more.

* * *

"They're all so pretty. I don't know which one I want."

Sarah ran her fingers over the plastic case nervously and stepped a little closer to Lindsay.

"Which ones do you like, auntie?"

"I don't know. I think you should get something small. Less likely to get snagged on stuff."

"Hey Sarah, we could get matching ones," Isa suggested, pointing at the plain silver bobs.

"Oh, those are nice. What do you think, Averylin?"

Avery shrugged and looked at the bracelets. She'd been excited to come along to the mall but her interest was slowly waning.

"They are nice."

"It's too bad that you are not getting your ears pierced."

"No it is not," Avery countered. "I don't want them. Mama does not wear her earrings."

"Oh. Well maybe you could get some clip-on ones."

"No thank you, Sarah. I am going to look over here at something else."

She wandered to the other side of the small shop and Sarah sighed, turning back to the display case and choosing her earrings.

"Isa, will you go first?"

"Sure. Indy, does this hurt?"

"Well, it's been a long time since I had mine done," Lindsay chuckled, keeping one eye on Avery. "I don't really remember it. I do remember an ill-fated belly button piercing one time when I was 17 and… uh… well…"

"Drunk?" Isa asked with a smile.

"Yes. It was crooked and infected and I didn't even want it once I wasn't drunk anymore but I kept it for a long time to remind me what stupid decisions I could make when I was irresponsible."

"So this is a lesson for us too?"

"Yes. Don't ever get drunk."

Sarah giggled uncomfortably.

"Daddy's beer smells really bad. I don't think I will ever want to drink it."

"Okay, are you girls ready?"

Isa nodded and hopped into the chair, indicating the earrings she wanted in the case.

"Want me to hold your hand?" Lindsay asked, only half teasing.

"Uh, maybe."

Lindsay stood next to the chair and held Isa's hand while Avery peeked around the corner curiously, jumping when the earring gun popped.

"Did that hurt, Isa?"

"Not too bad. Ready Sarah?"

Sarah took a deep breath and climbed into the chair. She really wished she could have her ma there with her. She'd feel a little better about this whole thing, but she couldn't back out now either. She needed to be brave and once this was over she would feel better and have pretty earrings to show off to the girls in her class.

"Sweetheart, do you want us to do them at the same time?"

"Yes please."

Avery closed her eyes and held her breath, waiting for the pop this time but instead hearing Sarah's yelp of pain. Despite their recent and long-lasting friendship distance Avery hopped to attention and ran across the store stopping at Sarah's side and clutching her hand.

"Sarah, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Averylin."

"Does it hurt?"

"No, it's okay," she said, sliding down from the chair.

Sniffling, Avery pulled Sarah into a hug, crying softly.

"Averylin what's the matter?"

"I do not want you to be hurt! Oh mine Sarah I have missed you so most! Please can we be best friends again?"

Sarah nodded and crouched down to hug Avery back, holding back her own tears.

"I love you, Averylin. We will always be best friends, I promise."

"Okay Sarah."

"I'm sorry that I play different things than you do now. Maybe if we work together we can come up with things that we both like to do. I will try to do much better at being your friend Averylin."

"Me too. I am glad we are back together. And your ears are most beautiful and sparkly."

"Thanks!"

They held hands and waited patiently at the door while Lindsay paid and gathered all the girls supplies, before they all headed out into the mall. Avery and Sarah skipped ahead just a little bit, both full of chatter and giggles, as if they'd never been apart.

"Hey Indy?" Isa started, tucking herself under Lindsay's arm. "Thanks for taking us here and making this day not quite so horrible. I don't like to think about ma in the hospital."

"I don't either."

"When we get back to your house, could you distract the other kids so I can sneak into your room and have a good cry? I think I just need a few minutes. Let all the stress out."

"Of course, honey."

"I'm glad that if something happened to my ma, you would be there to help daddy take care of us. I know that ma is glad for that too."

"Well she and I promised each other that a long time ago."

"Thanks for making sure that us kids are always taken care of."

"That's what family is for."

Isa nodded and played with the zipper on her coat thoughtfully. This morning she had been so worried and upset and scared and while some of that still remained, she was feeling steadier and more at peace. Seeing her ma and knowing the truth of what had happened went a long way to assuage her fears, and she felt like getting a glimpse of that had made her freer to voice how she felt about everything. When it came down to it, maybe life wasn't so scary after all.


	296. Chapter 296

"There's going to be an IA investigation."

Lindsay paused for a moment before continuing the reach into the fridge while Avery held onto her leg.

"Run that by me again?"

Jess sighed on the other end of the line, confirming what Lindsay had thought she heard.

"They want to know why I shot to kill."

"Are they serious?"

"Yeah. Captain just told me a few minutes ago. I go in this afternoon and they'll be calling you in too. Austin when she's ready but it might be better for them to do it now when she's on painkillers and less likely to give them a piece of her mind."

"Maybe," Lindsay agreed. "This just seems so stupid. I mean, have they looked at your record? There's nothing on it. Why an IA investigation over this? Is Addison's family suing the department or something?"

"Actually no one has even claimed the body. I honestly don't know where this is coming from."

"I'll talk to Jo, see if she knows anything about it. You wanna call me when it's over?"

"Yeah."

"I think it's going to be okay, Jess. It could just be a power play, they're not going to find anything against you and they know it."

"I know, but…"

"Yeah."

"I think I'm going to go have a session with the punching bag real quick. Let me know if you hear anything on your end."

"I will."

They hung up and Lindsay sighed, looking down at Avery who was still holding onto her and giggling.

"What do you want?"

"Oh, just a banana," Avery replied. "An' some lovin'."

"We're fresh out of bananas because your brothers turned into monkeys overnight, but I can give you all the lovin' in the world."

Avery giggled as Lindsay scooped her up and pressed kisses to her cheeks.

"I like that lovin' mama. Where is daddy? He shall come an' hug us an' make a Avery sandwich!"

"He's getting ready for work but he should be down soon. Where are the boys?"

"Gettin' ready too. Ben cannot do his tie. Coley is helpin'."

"Why is Ben wearing a tie?"

"He gots a meetin'."

"What kind of meeting?"

"Oh mama, 'member how Mac an' Jo is visitin' the boys at school?"

"Oh, grandparents day. I forgot."

"Mac will go with Coley an' Jo with Ben! An' tomorrow Mac will go with me to my school! I am most excited. He will love story time."

"I'm sure he will."

"You is workin' tonight?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, so you an' me have the day together! Wonderful! What shall we do?"

"We're going to do something so very exciting you won't know what to do with yourself."

"Oh?"

"We're going to run errands!"

"Oh mama that was not a funny joke."

"I tried. After that we're going to stop by and check on Austin and then I think we're going to go to the candy store and get a lot of chocolate for Jess. What do you think?"

"That sounds great! But it makes me sad."

"Why does it make you sad?"

"Because after I become five, I will go to kindergarten. An' then you an' me will not have days together, nor will I have them with daddy. In the words of Ben, this is most distressing."

Lindsay nodded and leaned against the counter, brushing Avery's hair back from her face.

"I know it doesn't sound so great," she conceded after a moment. "But you will get to do a lot of fun things in kindergarten. Daddy and I still have special days with the boys sometimes and we'll have them with you too. I promise."

"Okay mama, that is a deal."

"I'm glad you love daddy and me enough that you want to spend time with us."

"Oh yes, you an' daddy is my most favorite people in all the world!"

Lindsay smiled and kissed her daughters cheeks then settled her back on the floor.

"Go see if the boys are ready to go."

"Okay. Boys! Are you ready for school?" she shouted, running up the stairs and meeting Adam halfway. "Oh, hello daddy. You look most handsome. Are you havin' a meetin' like Ben?"

"I have to go to court. What do you think, do I look trustworthy?"

"Sure!"

"Thanks Tink."

"You are welcome, daddy. I am on a mission for mama now. I gotta go."

He chuckled as she headed in the boys room and he went downstairs to the kitchen, finding Lindsay hurriedly packing lunches for the boys.

"Hey babe."

"Hey. Oh, you look good."

"Do I not normally?"

"Normally you look casual good, this is fancy good."

"I feel like this collar makes my face look fat."

"It does not. Come here though, your tie is crooked."

He stepped closer and she straightened the tie for him, then adjusted his collar a little.

"How did I ever manage without you?"

"I have no idea."

"Hey daddy you and me are both wearin' our fancies!" Ben declared, jumping off the bottom stair. "We look dapper. Think Jo-Jo will be proud to sit next to such a dashin' young guy?"

"I think she will."

"I sure wish we had flowers left, I would bring her one."

"If we hurry up we can stop somewhere before school and get a flower for her."

Ben whooped with excitement while Colton amusedly rolled his eyes and gathered their backpacks up.

"C'mon Ben. In the car I'll tell you about all the flowers that I know from gardening, okay?"

"That would be awesome Cole! Bye mama, bye sissy! Have a great day."

The boys ran outside and Adam grabbed their lunches then said goodbye to the girls before following his sons out the door.

"Well, looks like it's just you and me, Tex," Lindsay drawled, opening the cupboard and pulling something out.

"Why you call me Tex, mama?"

"Just for fun. Here, I saved you a treat."

Avery's eyes lit up and she took the fruit leather, licking her lips excitedly.

"Oh mama, I love these so most! Thank you!"

"You're welcome. I'm going to go and get ready and then we'll head out."

"I could eat and watch you with your make-up?"

"Sure, let's go."

* * *

"Hey there Wonder Goose."

Austin grinned as Lindsay and Avery came through the door, Avery barreling towards her but stopping as soon as she got to the couch.

"Hey girls."

"Austin, your face looks sad. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, just a little sore. What do you have in that bag there?"

"Oh me an' mama picked up some treats! We got chocolate for Jess because she is going to have a rough day. An' we getted you some stuff too. First a Krispie Treat for mama says they are your favorite. An' next there is some popcorn for you like it. And then, the most best thing of all. Silly string to shoot uncle Danny!"

"Ah, you know what I like," Austin chuckled, sitting up and wincing. "But I think what I would love the most would be a snuggle from my favorite redhead."

"Oh that's me!" Avery giggled, climbing onto the couch. "I must be careful of you on this side. Lemme climb 'cross your lap."

Austin wrinkled her nose but managed to settle into the couch while Avery hugged her carefully.

"I love you so most, mine Austin. I am happy you are okay."

"Me too."

"Me three," Lindsay agreed, sitting down on the coffee table. "I brought lunch if you're hungry."

"I should probably eat something so the pain pills don't make me urp all over the floor."

"What is urp?"

"Barf."

Avery made a face and moved slightly away from her, just in case.

"I'll bring you a plate. Need anything else while I'm up?"

"Between you and Stella hovering over me I'm not going to have to move for weeks."

"Hey, Stella cancelled work and flew up here to see you. You just happen to be on my way."

"Thanks for the love, Lin."

Lindsay smiled and went into the kitchen to unload the shopping bags while Avery climbed onto the back of the couch, petting Austin's hair like it was an animal.

"So Austin, you gots a hole in you now?"

"No, it's all stitched up."

"Oh. I was just wonderin'. Dan-yo tells me that you must get those stitches out soon."

"Eventually."

"Hmm. Well your hair is most tangled. It is fluffy like mine an' that means it gets tangled lots."

"You mean it's curly."

"Yes. You an' me an' Stella gots that kinda hair. But yours is not taken care of."

"It's hard to brush your hair when you can't lift your arm."

"Oh, then I will do it for you," Avery started, clambering off the couch.

"Honey that's okay. I can get Danny to do it later."

"No, no, that will not do. Hims a guy, he don't got hair like a lady. He will not know the end from the roots. That's what mama says when daddy tries to do my hair. Don't fret, Austin, I will go get Sarah's brush. I know where it's at."

Before Austin could protest, Avery was off the couch and sprinting into the bathroom, opening the middle drawer to find a brush and comb. She took it back out to the front room and climbed back on the couch, humming to herself as she ripped the brush through Austin's hair.

"Feelin' pretty helps you to not feel as bad," she explained, pulling on the brush as hard as she could. "Next I will do your make up if this does not make you feel good. I been watchin' mama do hers. I know all the tricks."

"Didn't you put lipstick on your teeth a few days ago?"

"Well yes but mistakes is how we learn."

"Honey could you not pull so hard?"

"Oh sorry. Mama says I gots a zest for life in all I do. I s'pose that goes for hair brushin' too."

"I see. So, remember earlier when you said that Jess was going to have a bad day?"

"Oh yes. She has to go to a meetin' 'bout what she done, shooting that man that shooted you. She is in trouble. Mama has to go tell them what happened too. Her said a dirty word 'bout it when she called Jo. A dirty word an' she told me not to 'peat it."

Austin nodded and bit back a laugh at Avery's explanations.

"Tut, tut. I have runned into a large tangle. Please excuse me while I fix it."

She was quiet for a moment then sighed loudly.

"There, I got it. Now, I will tell you a story. One 'bout Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cottontail, and their rascal brother Peter. Well one day their mama telled them they could play but not in the garden of the very bad man who is named Mr. McGregor and is the villain of our story."

Austin giggled as Avery slid off the back of the couch and down next to her.

"Just let me know if this gets too scary. Well Peter did not obey his mama and he was a bad bunny, so he went to the garden and eated all the veggies in there! Then he was spotted by that mean old Mr. McGregor guy an' he tried to run away. He lost his shoes an' then his nice blue coat. Which is okay because bunnies don't wear coats. Then he hided in a jar. An' that's all I remember for when daddy was reading me my story last night I falled asleep."

"You're good at telling stories, Avery."

"Yes, I believe so. I like it very most. But I like you even moster. I am so happy that you did not meet your maker. That's what mama said the time I haved that goldfish that went bellyup. It's nicer than saying die."

Austin sighed and tucked Avery under her good arm, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

"I'm glad too. I've just got to figure out a way to make sure I never get close to that again."

"Hmm. Maybe you should have another job."

"Maybe so."

"Or maybe you should wear that special vest. I heard mama tellin' daddy that you was not wearin' it and that's a surefire way for somethin' bad to happen. She said no one ever shoots at you when you have it on."

"She's right. What kind of job should I do, Avery?"

"Oh I don't know. You could be anything! You could be a very good boss of people. Maybe you should think of that."

"Maybe I will."

"Maybe you will what?" Lindsay asked, coming back into the room with three small plates.

"Think about being a boss of people."

"You already are a boss of people," Lindsay argued.

"Hey, this is an A-B conversation. C your way out of it."

Lindsay chuckled and sat down next to them, trying to gauge Austin's pain and energy levels.

"Let's eat and then I'll help you get settled in bed and you can sleep until Danny and the kids get home."

"Thanks."

Avery moved from the couch to the floor and set her lunch on the coffee table, becoming engrossed in the show that was playing quietly on TV.

"So, IA is investigating?"

"Yeah. I have to go in at three. Jess is going in pretty soon. We're not sure if it's a formality or if we need to be worried."

"When do they want me to come in?"

"They'll call you in the next few days I'm sure. Don't worry about it."

"I'm tired."

"I know. Eat and then you can sleep."

"I've been having nightmares. They're horrible. Have you had any?"

"A lot. They'll get better with time."

"I haven't had any in a long time. I forgot how horrible my mind can get when I sleep."

"I'm sorry."

"We shall suffer this plight together."

"As always."

* * *

"They made me go over the whole thing four times," Lindsay said, coming out of the conference room and sitting down next to Jess, who was biting at her nails. "Tried to trip me up like it was court or something."

"They told me I shouldn't have shot to kill. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have."

"I wasn't standing right there so I don't know what it was like but if that's the decision you made it was the right one."

"How do you think this will end up?"

"Honestly? I think they're going to drop it. I don't know why they started it in the first place, at least not to this degree. It seems like a witch hunt when the report from the scene should have been enough."

"It's so unfair."

"Yes it is. Come on, I have a little while before my shift, I'll buy you some coffee and we can think about something else."

"Like what?"

"How to keep Stella in town for longer."

"We've never figured it out before but I'm game."

They headed out of the building and down the street to the coffee shop that everyone from the precinct normally frequented. Ordering coffee and pastries, they found a spot in the back where they could see the front door well.

"I got a call this morning, from Sophie," Jess said, suddenly remembering the conversation that had taken place just before the Captain had told her about the investigation.

"How is she?"

"Not good. She's at a halfway house. She's never had a job, never finished middle school even. It's like she's a child still."

"How do we help her?"

"Don and I are going to take her in."

"You are?"

"I don't know for how long but she really needs some help."

"Think you're ready for that?"

"I don't know. I'm not really sure just what she needs. I guess we'll figure it out as we go. I think that a safe and stable place to stay where she can have some freedom is going to do a lot to for her."

"Once she's ready I'm sure there's an educational program she can join."

"I was thinking that too. I'm taking her to the doctor tomorrow, hopefully we can get her healthy and maybe some counseling too."

"If you need any help, let me know."

"I will. Thanks."

"I gotta get to work, but let me know if you hear anything from IA."

"I will. Thanks Linds."

* * *

"Okay, nothing is allowed to happened for at least six months," Lindsay sighed, tossing the decorative pillows off the bed and wondering why they even had them.

"Nothing?"

"Nothing bad. I don't know how much more we can take."

"Are you a little stressed?"

"Just a tiny bit."

"Well, we've got a weekend coming up, maybe we should grab Hannah from school and find something fun to do. Get out of the city for a day."

"That would be good."

She settled against him in the dark and he rubbed her back gently, feeling knots of tension there. It had been days since they'd been able to just be quiet and together like this and they lay there in silence for a while, trying to remember where they'd left off.

"Babe, how are we going to do this?"

"Hmm? Do what?"

"Add another kid into the mix."

"Look at it this way. If you got pregnant, some things would change, there would be juggling and sacrifices, right?"

"Yes."

"How is that any different?"

"It's not."

"By the time we bring a child home, we'll have had a lot of time to adjust to some things. All the kids will be in school, we'll have time to figure out our work schedules and our budget so we don't run into any problems. It's not all going to happen tomorrow."

"I know. I'm not worried really and I'm not having second thoughts. I just like a clear plan."

"And we'll get there eventually. When we got married, did you see life being like this?"

"I don't even remember what I thought it would be like. But I get what you're saying."

"We're pretty decent parents anyway. Well, actually I can't speak for you, but when I put the kids to bed tonight Ben told me that I am "The really most awesomest daddy in the entire planet." I might have kind of a big ego about that right now."

"Well, he's right, though grammatically incorrect."

"Then Colton said he agreed but if he could change anything he would make me more generous on allowance days."

"Did you explain to him three kids times five bucks a week?"

"Yes. He didn't buy it. He said most of his friends get double that and they don't have to give to charity or put money in savings. I asked him what the rest of his friends get and he admitted some don't get any allowance so I think I won that argument."

"See, you are a great daddy."

"He's going to be too smart for us soon."

"I know. I'm a little worried about that day. Although if we encourage it, he might become a lawyer."

"I don't think he'll ever give up his medical dreams."

"Yeah, I don't either. Has Ben told you his latest career aspirations?"

"No," Adam chuckled. "What is it now?"

"He says he wants to be a rodeo clown so he can make people laugh and get exercise at the same time."

"I love that kid."

"And Avery told me and Austin that she has decided she's going to be a hair-brusher because she enjoys it and a lot of people have messy hair."

"I'm glad that all three of our kids are prefect blends of both of us."

"Oh yeah. It will be interesting to see if that kind of weirdness is all genetic or if it's learned too."

"Let's just not make charts, okay?"

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."


	297. Chapter 297

A/N: I committed to NaNoWriMo and then… well then, I just didn't have time for this. I promise, it'll get better. I just wrote some stuff in my head this morning, so not all is forgotten. Thanks for not abandoning me!

* * *

"Whoa sissy, you look fantastic!" Ben gushed as Avery came out of her room in a soft purple Christmas dress.

"Thanks so most, Ben. I feel fantastic! I am ready for my singing thing tonight."

"I 'member my last Christmas pageant," he started wistfully. "I was a lot of fun. What is in your Christmas pageant sissy? Lots of songs?"

"Yes. We are doing a… uh… being in a barn. Teacher calls it a big word. I am a angel. Get to wear a halo thing an' wings mama maked."

"That's cool! I only got to wear a Santa hat when I done it."

Avery nodded and the pair started down the stairs, Ben being careful not to crowd her too much. She'd been excited for her Christmas pageant for weeks, asking lots of questions about the nativity scene that her religious preschool had decided upon. Lindsay had been the one to field most of the questions, as Adam's churching had only come in the form of sporadic Bible summer camps. Avery didn't seem to think too deeply about it, just went with the flow and enjoyed practicing her Christmas songs.

"I am ready to go," Avery announced, spinning in a circle at the bottom of the stairs and smiling brightly. "Just gotta get some shoes on."

"How about your fancy plop-plops?" Ben asked, pulling the slightly heeled shoes from the basket by the door.

"Nah, those are slippery. I think I will wear my pink ones."

She pulled the pair of Converse from the basket and held them out to Ben, who was more than happy to tie them for her.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, once he was finished.

"Maybe daddy is heatin' up the car! He does that so we do not get cold."

Ben nodded and they looked out the window, finding Adam, Lindsay, and Colton in the front yard, having a snowball fight.

"Hey! They are having a great time without us! And here we are in our fancies and cannot go out!"

"We shall get our coats an' stand on the porch to watch," Avery decided, pulling her coat off the hook and putting it on. "C'mon Ben."

They bundled up and ventured out to the porch, standing there together on the first step and giggling at the antics of the rest of the family. Adam and Lindsay were the ones really engaged in an intense battle, Colton was just firing off snowballs as fast as he could make them, not caring who he hit.

"Hey-o, y'all! Didja forget about sissy's performance tonight?"

"Daddy tackled me into the snow!"

"Mama called me a stinker!"

"Then daddy hit me with a snowball," Lindsay explained, slipping a little but catching herself before she really fell down. "He smashed it in my face."

"Yeah, but then he kissed you," Colton retorted with a grin. "And you shoved snow in his ear."

"Boy, you two are brutal," Ben sighed, shaking his head.

"Sorry bud. Sometimes I just can't help teasin' your mama like that."

"Why?"

"Because she's so cute when she tries to get me back."

"That's weird," Colton sighed, standing up and dusting the snow off of himself. "Hey Aves, you look great."

"Thanks Coley! I am so happy to go tonight. If mama and daddy would ever become grown-ups again."

The kids all chuckled and Adam and Lindsay tried to make themselves presentable, but they were going to have to change clothes before they could leave. Herding the kids back inside, they checked the time and headed upstairs tossing the wet clothes on the floor and rifling through the closet for something else to wear.

"Hey," Adam starting still breathing heavy from the exertion and cold air outside. "How badly does Avery need to go to this thing?"

Lindsay smiled, not needing to look at him to know he was giving her a slow once over.

"Just imagine how upset she would be if we told her we weren't going, and tell that to your libido," she said, sliding into a pair of jeans.

"Yeah, okay. But in three hours when we get home again…"

"I'm all yours."

He smiled and pulled her towards him, catching her in a searing kiss that made her start questioning how long it would take Avery to forgive them for not making it to her pageant.

"We aren't allowed to change in a hurry together anymore," she said, pulling away from him and grabbing a shirt.

"Okay, I can live with that."

"Let's go so we can get back."

"Yes ma'am."

* * *

"It's sure good to be back at my old stompin' grounds," Ben said with a sigh as he looked around the auditorium. "I sure miss the simple days of going to preschool at this place."

Colton snickered and leaned down to tie his shoe. Every day it became more apparent that there was an age gap between Ben and himself, and while he loved his brother, sometimes he found himself laughing at Ben rather than with him. He tried to cover it up, he knew how sensitive his brother could be, but occasionally he had to have a chortle over it all.

Ben began chattering excitedly to Junior about his preschool days and Junior listened intently, still slightly jealous that Ben had gone and he had not.

"So how's your ma doing?" Colton asked, leaning over to Sarah to talk to her.

"She's okay. She's been going back to work for a little while some days. She says she hates doing paperwork all day and just interviews and stuff but she knows she can't do much else right now."

"Yeah, your ma isn't one for just sitting around all the time," Colton confirmed. "How come Isa decided to stay home with her tonight?"

"I don't know. Isabeth's been acting pretty strange since everything happened. She cries sometimes."

"She does?"

"Yeah. It's kind of freaky. Isabeth never usually cries."

"She doesn't tell me anything about all this. She acts just the same to me as before. Maybe I should try and talk to her more."

"It couldn't hurt. I know that she cares what you think."

"I'll do that then."

"Oh, it's starting!"

They all stopped their conversations as the line of preschoolers filed across the stage excitedly. They all spotted Avery quickly, for she was the only redhead in the class and the one who was waving the most enthusiastically. The kids began to sing their first song, at various speeds and volumes, the signature of any children's performance.

"They must have practiced a long time," Sarah noted. "They're all pretty good."

"You think so?" Colton whispered back in shock.

"Yes. Confidence is most of the journey and they all have it."

He chuckled and shook his head, watching as Avery caught her halo out of the corner of her eye and began to tip her head back to get a better look at it. The act of reaching her hands up to grasp it sent her stumbling backwards and right into the manger. The audience gasped while the rest of the kids kept singing, unaware that their clumsy counterpart was stuck in the manger, her legs kicking frantically as she tried to get out.

"Pretty good?" Colton laughed, taking a look at Sarah's horrified face.

"Oh, poor Averylin! I wish someone would help her."

"She'll be fine," Colton assured as Avery finally managed to get herself upright, shaking her head and turning back to look in the manger.

"I crushed the baby Jesus!" she hollered, yanking the doll into her arms and patting his back. "It's okay! He's fine!"

She moved back to stand with her classmates, holding the plastic doll and singing as if nothing had happened, as if her family wasn't sitting there trying not to laugh. She wouldn't have minded anyway, had she known.

"Our children should never be on stage," Adam whispered while Lindsay hid her face in her hands.

"I agree completely."

"But sissy is pretty darn adorable up there. That's what me and Junior think," Ben added. "And I'm gonna tell her that."

"You don't need to, Ben. She already knows."

Ben shrugged and turned back to the stage, wrinkling his forehead up at what he saw.

"I thought I warned her not to dance," he said after a moment. "I reminded her about my embarrassment that one time."

"I don't think she's dancing to the music buddy," Adam chuckled as Avery ditched the doll and ran off the stage. "I think that was a potty dance."

"Wow, this night isn't going so good for sissy, is it?"

"I don't think she minds."

Avery was gone for a few minutes, and when she came back, her costume was tucked into her underwear in the back. Her teacher noticed it before most of the audience and was able to fix the problem quickly. Avery seemed embarrassed but joined the rest of her class for the final number, singing for all she was worth.

Once the kids had taken a bow and filed off the stage, Avery bounded over to them crashing into Adam's legs with a laugh.

"Daddy, do you think I done most good?"

"You did very well, Tink."

"Great. It was fun. Except when I falled in the manger. I began to worry I would not get out of it."

"Yeah sissy, you really managed that manger," Ben laughed. "I sure like to make puns."

He laughed at his own joke as everyone put on their coats and gloves to go outside to the car. Avery chattered excitedly about the backstage antics and how Mary's dress had been ripped in a scuffle but was patched up "most well" by their teacher, just in time to go onstage. Clearly it had been an evening fraught with adventure.

* * *

"Well Thomas, I should tell you about our family meeting tonight," Avery started, choosing some pajamas out of her drawer. "You were snoring on me so you did not hear what mama and daddy said."

The dog looked up at her expectantly and she clucked her tongue.

"Well mama and daddy said tonight that someday, we will have another kid in our family. They said to us that they do not know when or who but this new kid will be what is called adopted. That means that its first mama and daddy could not take care of it and so someone else wants to be the kids family. Won't that be fun Thomas? We may have a sister soon! Another little lady in our home. She would share a room with you and me. Mama said that they would like for me to have a sister but it could be a brother too, so we should be ready. I do like having brothers as well. So we will see. Coley asked if it would be a baby and daddy said probably not. And that is the most information I got for you. What do you think 'bout that, Thomas?"

The dog just turned three times and settled down on the end of the bed while Colton and Ben came into the room, sporting their pajamas as well.

"Hey Aves. What's up?"

"Nothin' I was just speaking to Thomas about the new child of someday we will have."

"What do you think about it?"

"Oh, I think it will be most great. I wish for a sister."

"I don't know," Ben sighed, sitting down on the bed and patting Thomas gently. "Can we fit another kid in this house?"

"It doesn't matter," Colton shrugged. "A crowded house is better than no house at all. Or a home where the parents aren't good."

"Well I just think that mama and daddy are so busy and they try real hard to spend time with all of us but if there was another kid here then they couldn't do that as much."

"I know. I think that too. But what is more important, Ben? A kid having a home or us hogging all that love from mama and daddy?"

"Well of course having a home, Cole! I am just concerned about how it will work out."

Colton nodded and sat down on the bed as well, smiling when Avery took a seat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

"It will be an adjustment. Just like when we got Thomas. Or like when Aves came home from the hospital, Ben. That turned out okay, right?"

"Well of course, sissy is the greatest!"

"But you didn't like her at first."

"You did not like me Ben?"

"I had a hard time with the adjustment!" Ben defended. "I was only three!"

"But look at it now. You and Aves are practically best friends. How would life be without her?"

Ben's eyes filled up with tears and he tossed his arm around Avery protectively.

"I don't ever want to think about a life without sissy."

"Once we have this other kid in our family, you will not want to imagine life without it either."

"Okay, I trust you, Cole."

"So we are all happy about this, right?"

"Right!"

"This will be a really good thing. And we have to help mama and daddy any way that we can. So from now on, we will not argue about doing anything."

"I don't argue anyway."

"Ben, yesterday when mama asked you to take the garbage out, you took your shoes off and tossed them across the room and said you couldn't because you'd have to put your shoes back on."

"Yeah, that was kind of a good one."

Colton sighed, trying not to laugh. The look on Lindsay's face had been hilarious.

"But Ben, you can't do that anymore, no matter how funny it is. We need to be really good kids so mama and daddy don't stress out about it, you know?"

"I gotcha, Cole. I will try not to talk back."

"An' I will be so very most good," Avery promised. "I will not get the gimmes no more."

"That's good, Aves. We'd better get to bed. Want us to tuck you in?"

Avery laughed and nodded, scooting under her blankets while the boys fluffed her pillows and tucked her in as tightly as they could.

"Sleep good Aves. I love you."

"I love you too Coley."

Both boys leaned down to kiss her cheeks before scooting out of the room, closing the door partway behind them.

"I guess I do really like being a big brother," Ben mused as the two of them climbed into their beds. "And being a big brother to another kid would be okay."

"I think so too. I think we're pretty good brothers to Aves, so we might as well be to another kid."

"If we end up getting a brother, could you promise me somethin' Cole?"

"Sure."

"Just promise that you and me will be a team like we are now. We'll like our brother but you and me have history, you know?"

Colton nodded.

"Ben, you're my best friend. Even though I call Isa my best friend and Junior is yours, you and me have a different kind of relationship because we are brothers first and we always will be. It's like how you and Aves are really close to each other and you have a relationship that's different than you and me."

"I think I get it. And you just let me know when you need help being the oldest. I'm sure it's a tough job."

"Yeah, it can get a little stressful."

"Thanks for being my brother Cole. Goin' through life together like we are. I'm glad for that. And I hope that someday there is another kid in our family what thinks the same thing."

"I'm sure there will be, Ben. I can't wait."


	298. Chapter 298

"I think next year, even though we think shopping early is a good idea, we should refrain from clothes shopping until the kids have had their growth spurts," Austin sighed, tucking the shopping bags into the backseat. "I'm not a fan of returning everything."

"At least we're organized and everything is still tagged, right?"

"Yeah. But we need to stop for coffee before we go out and do this or I'm going to have a fit."

"Duly noted," Lindsay chuckled, starting the car.

"Where's Averylin today?"

"Adam has the day off. They're going to put stars on her ceiling like the boys have."

"I bet she's "most" excited."

"Oh yes. She's such a daddy's girl, they could spend the day cleaning the bathrooms and she would be thrilled."

"So are you going to just return the stuff and take the kids out later to replace it or are you getting them stuff today?"

Lindsay shrugged and turned the heater on while Austin buckled her seatbelt.

"Ben has requested new fancies, so I'm going to have to try and find him some."

"More fancies?" Austin giggled. "His entire closet is full of nice clothes."

"I know. He wants some more because he wants to take his girlfriend out for a date."

"Oh really? And what are they going to do?"

"I don't know. Adam is chaperoning but won't tell me a thing about it, which I think goes against the married code, but he won't listen to my arguments."

"I wonder if I can get it out of Daniel."

"If you do I'll love you forever."

"You already love me forever."

"Yeah, but this will be more."

"I'll see if he'll give."

Lindsay nodded and merged into traffic, heading to the first store on their list and glad that they'd done their initial shopping together.

"So how come you're not just passing Isa's too-small clothes off to Sarah?"

"Sarah would never wear the kind of clothes Isa wears. She's too finicky about fabrics."

"What?"

"Notice that she hardly ever wears jeans? Denim is scratchy. And she doesn't like button up shirts because they're too tight in the shoulders and she can't raise her arms."

"And Isa lives in jeans and wears nothing but flannel with band t-shirts lately. Gotcha."

"I totally underestimated how much they would all grow. Some of Daniel's pants are an inch too short."

"Colton's too. I told him to go try his clothes on and he came downstairs with them on and just looked at me while I laughed."

"Isa turned her nose up at the N'Sync shirt I found. I thought it was funny, she said "Ma, they're old and vintage but they ain't Cobain." Then she went in her room and blasted "Heart Shaped Box" for an hour."

Lindsay smiled; those three sentences described Isabeth Messer to a T.

"How's she doing? Daniel asked me the other day if she would ever get back to normal."

Austin shrugged and looked out the window.

"I think it changed her, Linds. This whole thing… she saw that no one is invincible. She's been sleeping in our room a lot. She tries to play it cool but she has a hard time leaving me. I get it, I do. But I don't know if it's getting any better. I don't want her to be afraid her entire life."

"She won't be. Time helps."

"That's all it took for Colton?"

"No. But they're two different kids in two different situations in two different stages of life. You can't assume that they'll deal with things the same way."

"What would you do?"

"I can't tell you that, Austin. As much as I love Isa, I'm not her mother. I don't know what's best for her the way you do."

"You know how to grieve. I don't."

Lindsay sighed and tapped her hand against the steering wheel, loathe to say what she really thought because she had no interest in arguing with her best friend today.

"Have you and Danny talked about it?"

"A little. He thinks it's a normal reaction and I agree with that to a point, but it's changing who she is. Her sass is gone. And while I've always hoped she'd grow out of it, I didn't want her to lose that fire too."

"I'll tell you what I think but you can't get mad, okay?"

"Alright."

"I think it would be… beneficial if you maybe talked to a counselor."

"No, we don't need that."

"Okay."

"I mean, yeah, she's having a hard time coping but there's nothing mentally wrong with her."

"Mm-hmm," Lindsay offered, lips in a thin line. Most of her knew that Austin didn't mean it that way, but it was hard to hear it differently.

"She's just dealing with something now but it'll get better. Maybe it's just because she's growing up too and everything happened at once."

"Yeah, you're right."

Her words were clipped and she kept her eyes on the road, wishing Austin would just change the subject.

"Do you think this is going to mess her up?"

"Nothing is wrong with her, you just said it yourself. I wouldn't worry about it."

She didn't mean for it to be so snippy, and Austin glanced over at her, wondering where the hostility had come from.

"Okay, what?"

"What? Nothing."

"Linds."

"What? I said you're right."

"You're mad."

"Just leave it, okay?"

"Lindsay, what's the deal?"

"You think there's something mentally wrong with me? With Colton?"

Too late, Austin realized what she'd said, and thumped her fist down on the seat.

"You know I didn't mean it like that."

"You said it."

"Lin, you know I don't think that. I just don't think that this is as big as what you and Colton have both been through."

"It feels that big for Isa."

Austin sighed and leaned back against the seat, wishing her brain to mouth filter hadn't gone faulty all those years ago. She didn't mean that at all and didn't think it either but Lindsay was never going to just let it go.

"You and Danny and Isa need to figure it out together. Whatever you decide is going to be what's right. And if counseling isn't right, then it's not right."

"You're mad."

"I'm not mad. I just didn't know you thought that way is all."

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you, Linds. I think you went to counseling to prevent things from going wrong."

"Okay."

"Lin?"

"We're fine. I'm just sensitive or something today."

"Do you wanna talk about-"

"No, let's just change the subject."

"Okay. Let's see, did I tell you about Flack's thinning hair?"

"I noticed it the other day, but I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news. Do you think he knows?"

"I'm not sure. I keep trying to carefully bring it up in conversation but he either isn't getting the hint or he knows and he's avoiding the mocking."

"Poor guy. He takes so much from you."

"He does. Maybe I should just let this one slide."

"Might be a good idea."

"What's been going on with you lately, Linds? You seem tired."

"Nothing, just keeping up with the kids. And Adam."

"What did he do now?"

"Last night I fell asleep on the couch and he usually wakes me up and sends me to bed. I'm woken up by him shaking my foot and calling my name so I'm wondering what in the world is going on."

"It was nothing, I'm guessing," Austin chuckled, knowing that Adam tended to start out frantic then mellow with time.

"He wanted me to make him a cake. It was ten at night and he's standing there asking me if I could make him a cake. I said no and he goes "Well what about a pie? I saw that crust in there. And there's Cool Whip!" I told him it was too late and he starts begging me for chocolate crème pie and telling me there's pudding in the cupboard."

"You didn't get up and make it did you?"

"No. I went to bed, but I ended up making it this morning. I let him lick the whisk and he said I was the best wife ever, then pouted when I told him it would be four hours before he could have any pie."

"Bet you money between him and Avery, it's already gone."

"No, they'll leave just enough for me that when I eat it, the dish will become my responsibility to wash."

"The life of a wife."

"It's a hard-knock one at times, that's for sure."

* * *

"Hey-o, Ma and Aunt Lin are both pickin' us up today!" Junior shouted, jumping off the last step off the bus. "Afternoon, ladies."

"What a dashing smile you've got, young man," Lindsay chuckled, wanting to cover his cheeks in kisses but refraining because other kids could see out the bus window.

"Yeah, it's a Messer thing. Maybe a Ross thing too because Ben's got it."

"I got what?" Ben asked, joining his best friend on the curb.

"A dashing smile."

"Oh yeah, I do got that. I got that good."

"How was your trip to the Planetarium?" Austin asked, reaching down to take Junior's hand while Sarah clambered off the bus and joined them.

"It was great, ma! Ben made the whole class crack up."

"You did?" Lindsay asked warily, knowing the verbal antics her middle child could get up to.

"Yep, I did. We were layin' in this dark room looking at a fake sky and I said "That there's the Milky Way!" and suddenly a big voice boomed out "The Milky Way." And everyone laughed a lot."

"It was hilarious," Junior chuckled. "I keep laughing when I think about it."

"So do I. Where's sissy?"

"She's at home with daddy."

"Oh. Me and Junior want to tell her about the Planetarium."

"You can tell her when we get home."

"Ma!" Isa screeched, jumping off of the bus and running across the sidewalk. "I thought just Indy was picking us up today."

"Surprise. We went out and exchanged all your clothes today. Thought we'd let you kids have a fashion show."

"I bet Averylin is already dressed up," Sarah giggled. "And not matching."

"You'd be correct."

"Let's go home, gang! Cole! Get off the bus and quit flirtin' with that girl!"

Colton's face colored as he finally hopped off the bus, ignoring the laughter and hooting from the other kids, walking ahead of them all, slightly angry at his brother for embarrassing him.

"Ma, are you really makin' us kids have a fashion show?" Isa asked, adjusting her backpack.

"Nah, we just thought it would be fun, but you don't have to if you don't want to."

"Maybe the other kids can. I'll just sit with you."

Lindsay and Austin exchanged glances that the kids couldn't see, both of them thinking the same thing.

"You never know, it might be fun."

"We'll see. Do you feel okay today, ma?"

"Of course."

"Your scar is okay?"

"It's just fine, Isabeth."

"But-"

Austin crouched down and took her daughter's face in her hands, wanting to be clear about what she was going to say.

"Baby, I'm alright. I'm all healed up now, okay?"

"Ma, I know that."

"You don't seem like you know that."

Isa sighed and shook her head, taking Austin's hand and pulling her down the sidewalk.

"Let's just go."

"I think we need to talk about this."

"Why? I know you're okay, ma. Let's go. Indy always has the best after-school snacks."

Austin sighed and followed her daughter, putting the conversation on the back burner for now, but wondering if Lindsay had been right. She had nothing against counseling, had gone herself and found a lot of help in it, but she just couldn't fathom her little girl needing it, at least not yet.

* * *

"Averylin Grace, I don't care how dramatic your story is, you don't step on the table."

"But mama!"

"Butt in seat."

Avery sighed and sat down, arms crossed over her chest.

"Well it was a good story, 'til mama ruined it."

"Sissy, I think you just need to work on your delivery. Be aware of your audience. I learned that off the video daddy got me, 'bout being a standing up comedy person. I will show it to you later."

"Thanks Ben."

The chatter around the table resumed and Avery only pouted a little bit longer before joining in, happily describing the chocolate crème pie that she and Adam had shared right out of the dish.

"Are you kids done eating yet?" Junior asked finally. "Let's go play!"

The kids all started to get up from the table but were stopped with a shout of "Hey! Plates!" from Austin. Groaning, they cleared their places, dishes clattering into the sink before running upstairs.

"They sound like stampeding wildebeests."

"Mufasa better watch out."

"Well I'm glad they're gone," Lindsay started, pushing her plate away. "We have something to tell you guys."

"Now?" Adam asked, surprised.

"Might as well."

Confused, Austin and Danny helped to clear the rest of the table and in a few minutes the dishwasher was loaded and they were sitting in the other room with cups of coffee.

"Okay, you two gonna give us some bad news?"

"No, it's not bad."

"I'm not convinced," Austin sighed. "Let's have it."


	299. Chapter 299

"So what, are you knocked up again?" Austin asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Well…"

"It all fits. You've been cranky and tired, you're eating a ton and I caught you looking at baby clothes today, don't even tell me you weren't."

"I'm not pregnant," Lindsay sighed, shaking her head. "Good guess though."

"Well then what?"

"We're going to have a baby," Adam started.

"Not a baby. A small human… we didn't practice this. Let's start at the beginning."

"Or the middle?" Adam suggested.

"Or how 'bout you just spit it out?" Austin said, unable to keep up with them and getting frustrated with not knowing.

"Okay, um… we're going to need… well see, we have to go…" Lindsay started, suffering from the problem Adam usually suffered from. "This isn't working."

"C'mon guys, is this somethin' bad?"

"No, it's not bad," Adam assured with a shake of his head. "You guys probably know that we've thought about adoption in the past. Timing never seemed right."

"Seems right now?"

"Yeah. We officially started the process about two months ago."

"Well that's good right? Why do you guys look like it's not good?"

"It's going to be a really long process. I'm not actually sure how it happened, but we found a little girl in Eastern Europe who needs a family before her next birthday. She has Down Syndrome, and in a lot of places, kids with any kind of medical condition will be sent from their orphanages to mental institutions when they reach a certain age. She has to be formally declared before her fifth birthday or she'll be unadoptable."

"The problem is that being in another country, there's about a million hoops to jump through, not to mention the cost. It can take a whole year, often longer than that to get everything in order and have the adoption completed."

"That's why I've been tired and cranky and eating everything in sight; I've been stressed out," Lindsay explained. "There's so much we had to get together, the kids birth certificates, our marriage license, a copy of the deed to the house, copy of the mortgage contract, background checks, a letter from the insurance company stating that we can add another child to our health care plan, proof of income, all sorts of things that took forever to track down and get notarized. Yesterday we finally had it all together and it was sent over to her country. Now we wait while it's translated. If anything gets messed up in the translation, if even one word is off, it gets sent back and we have to get it corrected. It could take months. Even after it's all done there's still a lot to do, a lot of waiting. We could be denied adoption approval, they could want more paperwork. We could make it all the way over there and have the judge tell us no. It's just really up in the air and there's a lot of big deadlines."

"No wonder you're stressed."

"It's a good thing and we're excited but we have to be realistic about the fact that it might not happen. And right now while we wait, that's all that either one of us can think about."

"What can we do?" Austin asked, head swimming with all the information.

"Right now, nothing. We just have to wait. Eventually we're going to have to make a trip or two over there and we'll need you guys to take the kids for a week or so."

"This sounds expensive," Danny remarked, already thinking about finding the checkbook. "You guys got a handle on that?"

"She had a lot of money in a donation based grant and that's helping out with most of it. We had some saved up and we'll be able to pay for the rest over time."

"Is she healthy, being taken care of?"

"No," Lindsay said softly, shaking her head and looking down at her hands. "The orphanage doesn't have a lot of resources and the culture doesn't really value the life of a lot of those kids. We take everything that they tell us with a grain of salt. We know for sure that she can't walk, can't talk, doesn't sit up well on her own."

"And she's four?" Austin asked, stunned. She'd never known a four year old to be so neglected that they weren't capable of the basic physical milestones of a one year old. Sure, there were some ailments and other conditions that could contribute, but she'd never known Down Syndrome to have limitations in that way.

"It's not entirely uncommon in a lot of places. It's going to take a lot of work to get her healthy and strong again. She may never do any of those things and she might never live on her own. And that's okay."

"How do the kids feel about it?"

"Varying stages of excitement. Ben's going to take some convincing."

"Only because he doesn't want to give up any time with his mama."

"That's probably true. We'll just keep talking about it, make sure they know that it's okay to be concerned."

"Do you have a picture?"

Lindsay nodded and stood up, crossing the room to pull a small framed picture off of the desk, handing it to Austin who wasn't really prepared for what she saw.

A tiny girl lay in a crib, eyes half closed, blonde hair short and patchy. She was wearing pajamas which were dirty, and looked to be swimming in them, severely malnourished. Her hands were red, nose runny, tongue peeking out between full pink lips. There were small scratches on her cheeks and Austin felt her heart plunge as she realized part of the reason the small girl hadn't achieved any gross motor skills.

"She's drugged isn't she?"

"We think so. They probably think it's better for the kids to just sleep."

"How long do you think until you bring her home?"

"Realistically no earlier than this fall. It could be a year and a half. We're doing everything as fast as we can, but it's going to be a lot of waiting."

"We'll be here waiting with you."

They talked for a while longer, until the guys became aware of the emotions in the discussion and got up to wrangle the kids into helping prepare dessert.

"Lin, how are you even doing this?" Austin asked, still holding the picture and switching couches to sit next to her best friend.

"What do you mean?"

"How do you get through the day knowing your daughter is there and you're here and there's nothing you can do?"

"Spend a lot of time with the other three," Lindsay started with a shrug. "I've been keeping a journal about all this so I can share it with her someday, so she knows how much we love and want her. I've been talking to a lot of other adoptive mothers about what to expect, getting Avery's room set up with another bed. I try not to think too much about the reality of it but when I'm laying in bed at night and it's quiet, all I can think about is what she's going through, if she's even aware of what's going on around her. I worry about her diaper and clothes being changed. I worry that she'll get sick. I worry that this isn't going to work out. I worry that we're not enough for her. It's not easy. I wouldn't say that we're really making it but it's a day at a time kind of thing."

"I can't wait until she comes home," Austin said softly, pulling Lindsay into a tight hug. "Anything you need, you let us know. No matter what it is."

"Just be there like you always are."

"Absolutely."

"Hey mama, we need the picture," Colton said, holding his hand out. "The other kids want to see her."

Apparently the kids had taken it upon themselves to inform their counterparts of the new addition to their little family.

"Mama, I telled Sarah that sister cannot walk or stand. An' she said she will learn to walk an' stand an' dance all at the same time! I think that is a wonderful idea!"

"I think so too, baby," Lindsay agreed, as the kids crowded around the picture Colton held.

"Oh she looks sad," Isa started. "But she's so cute! It's a good thing she's coming into this family. She needs a lot of hugs and we're full of them around here."

"Hey, that's what I thought too Isa!" Ben laughed. "My favorite thing about her is how her little tongue sticks out. Mama says it's because she has what's called low muscle tone. I think it makes her look like she's up to mischief."

"It does!" Junior agreed. "She'll fit in well with our gang if she likes mischief."

"Auntie, what will her name be?" Sarah asked, sliding into Lindsay's lap.

"We don't know yet. In the orphanage they call her Rebecca, but that might not be her real name. We won't know for a while."

"Us kids think of her as Becca, just for now," Colton said. "It goes good with the rest of our names."

"I love to have a sister named Becca," Avery nodded. "Thomas agrees."

Ben snickered and shook his head.

"I bet she will love Thomas, sissy. Remember what we read in your dog book, that dogs are helpful to people that are sick?"

"Yep! It is a good thing that we getted Thomas when we did."

"You're gonna be a good big sister, Aves," Junior said, dropping his arm around her shoulder. "How will it feel to not be the baby anymore?"

"Most confusing, Dan-yo," she sighed. "But I will get used to it for Becca."

"It looks like this is going to work out just fine, Lin."

* * *

"Mama, I had a real good talk with Junior tonight, about our new sister."

"Oh you did?"

"Yup. You know how I was worried 'bout you and daddy stretching your time to cover four kids? Well he explained it to me real good with math. See, before I came along you just had Cole. And then when I came, that was double the kids. And it worked just fine then because you always have time for me and Cole. So then sissy came and she was one more. But it wasn't double what you already have. And so Becca will not be double either. And that's okay. Because you made time for double once and that turned out just fine, so adding another kid will be okay too."

"I'm glad you're feeling better about this," Lindsay said, sliding his glasses off and placing them on the side table. "Daddy and I were worried."

"Nah, you don't have to be worried. You know I just need some time for adjusting and all."

"Yeah, I know that now," she chuckled while he pulled his arms behind his head.

"I just wanted to reassure you, mama. I don't want to give you another worry. I just want you to know that I would really like to still have special time with you and daddy."

"We'll do our best."

"Okay. I really love you mama. You're the greatest."

"I really love you too, Benjamin."

She leaned down to kiss him, smiling when he wrapped his arms around her neck and held on for a few minutes.

"You are my beautiful. Thanks for being my mama."

"Thanks for being my Ben."

She kissed him again then tucked the blankets tightly around him, breathing in the little boy scent that was so Benjamin.

"Alright mister, time to go to sleep," she said, moving over to Colton's bed.

"One more chapter?"

"No sir. Morning comes early and you're as cranky as a cat in water when we have to wake you up."

"Oh alright."

He put the book down and slid under the covers, letting Lindsay tuck him in, even though they both knew he was too old for that.

"I love you mama."

"I love you too, Colton Matthew. I'm so glad you're my first baby. I don't think anyone could be a better big brother than you are."

"I do work pretty hard at it," he countered, a twinkle in his eye. "Raise in my allowance?"

"You're pushing it, bud."

He chuckled and she brushed his hair off of his forehead, noting the scar from four years ago, astonished that so much time had passed. He seemed to understand what she was thinking and he reached up to hold her hand.

"Mama, you've still got seven years before I move out of the house and go to college. Don't be sad just yet."

"Promise to hug and kiss me every day?"

"I think you'd hunt me down if I didn't."

"So much like your daddy. Sleep good, alright?"

"I will. See you in the morning. I love you."

"I love you too."

She wanted to stay there and watch them fall asleep like she had when they were babies, but if they knew she was there, they would want to talk all night long, so she had to leave.

Closing the door most of the way behind her, she peeked into Avery's bedroom, listening in on the conversation she and Adam were having. Adam was kneeling by the bed, propped up on his elbows while Avery lay on her side, talking to him seriously between yawns.

"Daddy, will I still be your Tink when Becca comes?"

"Of course."

"An' I will be your girl?"

"You'll be one of my girls."

She nodded and reached up to rub his arm.

"Daddy, I love you so most."

"I love you so most too, Averylin."

"I love you moster than you love me."

"Not possible, baby."

"Yes huh. I love you so huge an' big daddy, so very huge an' big until my heart feels very thumpy inside me an' I just smile so much from lovin' you."

"Averylin Grace, I love you even more than that."

"Oh my. That is a lot of love you got, daddy. I am glad. I like our family. I will be happy when Becca is here an' she shares my room an' my Thomas. She will like that. An' she will become healthy an' strong from all the love we give to her. She will be happy. I like that plan daddy."

"I like that plan too. You're going to be a very good big sister."

"I am? Oh good! I really hope so. Really, really. I shall ask the girls, the Sarah and Isa girls how to be a big sister. They are the only ones I know."

"That's a good idea. We all need our family to help us sometimes."

She nodded and yawned again while he leaned over to kiss her cheek.

"Goodnight Tink."

"Night, daddy. I hope you have mega-wonderful dreams."

"You too sweetie."

"Oh goodnight mama. Come kiss me quickly."

Lindsay smiled and obeyed, her mind jumping ahead to the time when she would be kissing two giggling girls goodnight.

"Sleep good sweetie. We'll see you in the morning."

"I will wake you up like normal," she promised, snuggling into her bed and closing her eyes.

They left her room and went up to the third floor, changing clothes and sliding into bed after a long day. Adam was quiet and Lindsay scooted over to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly.

"You okay honey?"

"Yeah, just tired. I feel like we've been running for weeks and we're finally at a resting point."

"Gotta get up and run again soon."

"Yeah."

"I wish she was home."

"Me too."

She nuzzled into his chest and sighed deeply, emotionally spent from the day.

"I'm glad we're doing this, no matter how exhausting it is."

"Me too. She's worth it."

"Absolutely," she yawned. "But to be honest, there's been a few days where I've wondered what we're getting ourselves into."

"I have too."

"Think that's normal?"

"Probably."

"Can I confess to you how scared I am that this might not work out? That we're going to get stuck jumping through one of those hoops, or the country will close to adoptions again or any number of things… I don't want that to happen."

"I don't want it to either. And I hate that there's nothing we can do to ensure those things don't happen."

"This is stressful."

"Eventually, it will be a better kind of stressful. Eventually she'll be home."

"You really believe that?"

"I have to or I would lose it."

"I'm still glad we're doing this, no matter how hard it is."

"Me too. We should sleep. And remember tomorrow is one day closer."


	300. Chapter 300

A/N: I don't even know why this chapter feels like it ends so wonky, but I guess that's okay.  
And at this big milestone I have to say thank you to everyone that reads and reviews and gets some joy out of this because feeding the obsession of a writer is a thankless and dirty job, but I'm glad there's people out there willing to do it for me.

* * *

"Where did you and mama pick, daddy?" Avery asked, hefting her suitcase into the back of the car. "I can't wait to know."

"Well you're going to have to wait, Tink. Remember, we're not telling you where we're going until we get there."

"I think that is fun daddy, but I would also like to know."

"Tough cookies."

She grinned and ran her hand over the newly washed car, before pulling on the handle and climbing inside.

"I like when we ride in your Jeep, daddy. I like to be tall an' look at them other cars on the road."

"Me too," he chuckled, making sure everything was secure in the back, but that they could get at anything they needed quickly. It wasn't going to be a very long road trip, but they had learned over the years to plan for all contingencies.

"Okay, we got the house all locked up!" Ben announced, coming down the front steps and sliding his arms into his jacket. "Me and Cole double checked all the windows. We're ready to jet outta this place!"

Happily, he hopped into the car next to Avery, helping her to buckle in before he secured his own belt.

"C'mon Cole, let's get this show on the road!"

Colton already had his nose buried in a book and absent-mindedly climbed into the car, doing his seatbelt with one hand while being mostly engrossed in the adventures of Jem and Scout Finch.

"Coley, you must join in the family!" Avery hollered. "This is a bondin' time for us all."

"I'll put it away when we start going," he assured, pulling his legs into the seat.

"Cole, you read so much I think you need glasses like me," Ben noted. "Or spectacles, like what old men call 'em."

Colton gave a half-hearted chuckle, pulling his door closed. Ben and Avery knew he would be engrossed in his book for the entire trip, no matter how much he assured them he wouldn't be. They would be responsible for their own entertainment.

"Sissy, I spy something that is blue."

"Hmm, blue. Is it mama's shirt?"

"Nope. It is smallish."

"Is it mine eyes?"

"Nope, but that would have been a good one, sissy!"

"Well, is it that thing that's hangin' on the back looker mirror?"

"Yeah, you got it! It is that air refreshener!"

"That was a good one, Ben. Now what will we play?"

"I dunno. Maybe we should just sit back and enjoy the ride. Hey-yo mama and daddy, aren't we going to get scootin'?"

"Okay, okay," Adam chuckled, opening the door for Lindsay, who gave him an amused smirk. "I just have to teach mama how to use a map."

"Hey!"

The kids laughed as their parents argued good-naturedly, so used to this kind of thing that it would have been weird without it. Ben and Avery chattered happily as Adam started the car and headed out of the city. They'd decided several weeks ago that they needed a family vacation and after spending a long time trying to find a place to go, three maps of the area had been printed, one for each child. They were each allowed to circle one place on the map at random, and Adam and Lindsay had then picked a destination out of the three suggestions. The kids really had no idea what was in any of the cities, but half the fun was exploring somewhere new.

Once they got out of the city, Colton put his book away and began to sing along to the radio with the rest of the family, much to the delight of Avery and Ben, simply because he liked to use the deepest twang he could muster.

"Hey mama, didn't you do the rodeo like in this song?" Ben asked, leaning forward in his seat.

"A little, but not exactly like this song."

"Didja get bucked off the horse?"

"A time or two."

"Wow, that's neat! Daddy, did you ever do anything dangerous?"

"I argued with mama once."

"Adam, shut up," Lindsay laughed, reaching over for his hand.

"You folks are pretty weird," Ben decided, sitting back in his seat. "How much longer until we get to the mystery place?"

"About three hours, buddy."

"Which way are we going, could you tell us that?"

"North-ish."

"Okay. Cole, you got that kid map?"

Colton produced the map from his backpack and Avery held it open so the three of them could look at it.

"I don't remember what place I picked," Avery grumped, having circled a city that started with A, because it was the letter she knew the best.

"That's okay, Aves. We're supposed to just enjoy it, not try and guess. I wonder what things we'll do there."

"Mama said most fun things, Coley! She speaked to me of museums, because all our family likes those!"

"Yeah, we do."

"Hey, turn up this jam!" Ben shouted. "I like this one."

"_Boot-Scootin' Boogie?_" Lindsay asked with a raised eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yep, it's great for dancin'. Even in the car."

* * *

"Well, I guess it's a good time for a break," Lindsay giggled, glancing into the backseat where Avery was sitting, holding a grocery bag up to her face, just in case she got sick again.

"Yeah, I'm going to pull over at the next town. There's going to be a full scale brothers war if we don't get out of each other's hair."

"We should all be able to play nice for four hours in the car."

"It might be too much excitement."

"Possibly. Avery, you okay honey?"

"Yes I am alright but could you please call Austin and check on Thomas?" Avery replied into the bag. "I need to make sure that my baby don't miss me too much."

"We can call when we get there."

"Mama, I please would like to call now. It would help my tummy."

"Oh alright."

She found her phone in the cup holder and called Austin while Ben and Colton bickered in the back seat over whose turn it was to hold the map.

"Hey Lin, how's the trip?"

"Here, you can listen."

She turned a little and held the phone up so it would catch what the kids were saying.

"Cole, it's my turn for the map!"

"You always mess it up Ben! You keep missing the road signs!"

"You don't even know what way we're going!"

"Boys please love each other again! Your fightin' makes my tummy hurt!"

"How do you think the trip is?" Lindsay asked, returning to the conversation. Austin laughed.

"Typical with three kids in the car."

"Avery got carsick so we had to pull over."

"Let me guess, Ben was watching her throw up in disgusted fascination while Colton buried his nose in a book and Adam grossed out but held her hair."

"Got it in one."

"Norman Rockwell."

"Anyway, her majesty would like to know how her furry court jester is doing."

"Thomas is fine. She's taken up residence in Daniel's room."

"Well that is home to the most interesting smells."

"You can tell Aves that her baby is just fine."

"I will. I need to whack my hand around in the back seat and see if I can break up the boys fight."

"Alright, be safe."

They hung up and Lindsay tipped her seat back a little so she could take the map from the boys who would have been coming to blows if they were able to maneuver around Avery without hitting her too.

"Hey mama you ripped the map!"

"I really don't care, Benjamin."

"But we're supposed to be having a good time!"

"Do you think that listening to you boys fighting is a good time for the rest of us?"

Ben fell silent, crossing his arms and shooting Colton a glare.

"I will answer that one, mama," Avery offered. "It is not fun for the rest of us."

"Exactly."

"Why did we even come on this trip if we're just going to fight?" Colton sighed, feeling guilty for arguing with his brother.

"What do you guys think about ice-cream and a little family meeting?" Adam asked, taking an exit off of the freeway. "I think we need to regroup."

"I think that sounds good," Lindsay agreed, glancing at the boys. Ben had his head down and was rubbing his eyes while Colton looked out the window quietly, both sure signs that they were already regretting their previous actions.

"I do not want ice-cream," Avery said, finally lifting her head out of the bag. "But I would like some water an' something gentle to eat."

"We'll find you something, Tink."

Avery nodded and leaned back in her seat, reaching one hand over to each of her brothers.

"Boys, please smile again. I do not like when you are sad. Because I love you so very most."

"We love you too, Aves," Colton assured, taking her hand. "And I'm sorry that we can't work together, Ben."

"Me too Cole. I just really wanted to be the first to discover where we're going. And you do too so we should have just used both our smarts to do it."

"I guess we learn from our mistakes, huh?"

"Hopefully we remember it!"

"I will help you to remember. When you boys are fighting I will tell you to stop an' hug each other okay?"

"Thanks, Aves."

They arrived at a Dairy Queen just off the freeway and Colton helped Avery out of the car, slinging his arm around her shoulders as they went inside.

"I think I'll get a Dilly bar," Ben decided. "Are you sure you just want water sissy?"

"For now Ben, yes that is good. But maybe some fries."

Soon they all had their snacks and were sitting around one of the semi-sticky tables in the back of the restaurant.

"Alright offspring, I think it's time we have a talk about this vacation."

"What about it, daddy?" Avery asked, dipping a French fry into her pop.

"Mama and I thought it would be a good idea for the family, just the five of us, to get out of town and have some time together."

"But why?"

"Because our family is really going to change when Rebecca comes," Lindsay explained, reaching over to wipe Ben's face. "Our vacations are going to have to be different."

"Like not a lot of vacations, right? Because she needs to be home and get comfortable with us."

"Yes. A lot of other things are going to change too though. Life is going to get hard and there are going to be a lot of sad things, even when Rebecca finally comes home. She's going to have a lot of doctors appointments and therapy and that's going to take a lot of time."

"Us kids already talked about that," Colton said with a shrug. "We decided that all of us have everything we want and need and we always have and once Rebecca comes home, then it's her turn for that. And we're taking chores too."

"It will be my job to help feed her," Ben started. "And sissy will pick her clothes. Cole will be the one to carry her places when she needs to, before she can walk. And all of us have to teach her how to be in a family. Think that's a good plan?"

"You kids really talked about that?"

"We talk 'bout Becca lots," Avery said with a shrug. "For she is becoming our sister."

"Yes, that's right."

"How much longer will it be? Most days?"

"Most months. We'll keep you kids up to speed though."

"Okay. Mama, could I finish your ice-cream?"

"Sure baby."

Avery wiggled her eyebrows and reached for the dish, making happy noises while she ate.

"Do you guys have any questions about anything?"

"Not right now," Colton answered for all of them.

"You know you can come to us with questions or if you don't feel good about things."

"We know that. And we promise to get along better on this trip, right Ben?"

"Right, Cole."

They shook on it and went back to their desserts, as if everything was normal, uneventful, and on a steady course.

* * *

"I think it's hilarious that this state is called Rhode Island," Ben chuckled. "Because it is not a road and far as I know, it ain't a island neither. Don't y'all think that's funny?"

"Ben, I have to be honest. It wasn't funny the first time you said it and it isn't funny now either."

"I will still have my own private chuckle 'bout it," Ben shrugged as Adam checked them in to their hotel. "Sissy, are you almost done with your nap?"

Avery whined and buried her face in Lindsay's shoulder, tired from the trip and needing a real bed to sleep in. She wasn't normally one for naps but the car made her tired and sleeping had been a defense against the boys telling terrible jokes for the last hour.

"Well I guess you will just have to be a snoozer while me and Cole check out the goodness of the jumping on the beds. Also the cable channels."

"Excuse me, I am snuggling with mama," she returned, popping her head up to glare at him. "Pardon me now Ben. I am busy."

He giggled but wandered away, peeking over the front counter at the girl who was working there, frustratedly trying to get them checked into their room.

"Looks like you're having problems with your computer," he said, rocking back on his feet. "I'd help you if I could. But see, it's a good thing that our family is patient huh?"

"Yeah, it's a good thing," she chuckled.

"So I just hope that you are having a good day. I will leave you to it now."

He wandered off again, looking out the window, excited about all the new things they would be able to try out on this trip. He was looking forward to the museums and other things that were planned, but mostly, he was looking forward to just spending time with his family. They were his favorite people in the world and he was glad he'd been born to this family.

Grinning, he joined them as they headed back out to the car so they could drive across the parking lot to their assigned space. The boys were happy to sit without seatbelts for the short trip, and Avery enjoyed being allowed to steer with minimal help. Soon they were packing everything inside and claiming beds, Ben and Colton jumping as high as they could while Avery snuggled onto the couch.

"I think we could do with a little downtime before we go to dinner," Adam suggested, stacking the suitcases neatly in the corner.

"Let's check out those cable channels!" Ben suggested, taking the remote off of the side table. "Oh geez, there's a million of 'em!"

While the boys negotiated on what to watch and Avery hollered at them when they settled on something she didn't like, Adam and Lindsay stretched out on their bed, sighing and groaning as old muscles were relieved of sitting in the car for hours.

"I never remember the preparation for vacation until we're already knee deep in it," Adam sighed. "I'm exhausted."

"I bet we can get the kids to sleep fairly early. If not, the beauty of this place is turning on a movie and going to sleep, let them stay up and watch."

"I forgot about that particular perk."

"Perfect."

He smiled and brushed her hair back from her face.

"Thanks for being my copilot today."

"Always will be."

"Hey mama an' daddy, we kids is all rested now! Time for the next 'venture!" Avery hollered, jumping onto the bed with them.

"Okay."

"We want to go explore the deck. Can we daddy?"

Adam nodded and took the kids out onto the deck while Lindsay stayed inside and got ready for dinner.

"Daddy, please tell me the name of this town again."

"Newport."

"Newport," Avery repeated. "Rhode Island. In the United States of 'Merica."

"That's right."

"Yeah sissy. In North America. On planet earth. In the solar system we call home."

Avery nodded seriously and shaded her eyes from the sun.

"I am enjoying this vacation so most. I cannot wait to see what's next."

"You kids are going to love it."

"I bet we will. You an' mama pick the most best things."

Adam chuckled and picked her up so she could look out over the city with the rest of them.

"Hey Adam?" Lindsay asked warily, poking her head out the door. "Can I talk to you?"

"What's wrong?"

"Um, Shelly called."

"Was there a problem with the paperwork?" he asked, concerned and letting Avery slide back down to the deck.

"No. Um… she just heard back from the social worker over there."

"What happened?"

"They approved us."

"They did?"

She nodded gently, still in shock that the process had finally reached the next step.

"So what happens next?"

"She said there's another wave of paperwork we have to submit and then we wait for travel dates."

"That soon?"

"It's still going to be on the timeline that we thought but... that was the biggest…"

She stood there at a loss for words while he smiled, knowing that the approval had been the biggest and most expensive obstacle and now that this was cleared, it seemed like the path to bring Rebecca home had just gotten a little easier.


	301. Chapter 301

Colton stretched as he woke up, glancing over at the space next to him in the bed, which Ben was fully occupying, sprawled over most of the mattress and snoring. Rubbing at his eyes, Colton checked the time and got up from the bed, taking a trip to the bathroom before walking to look out the window. It was rare that he was up this early, much less that he was the only one up. They'd spent the evening at the arcade and by it was late before they'd finally decided to go leave and get some sleep.

Carefully, so he wouldn't disturb anyone, he walked back over to the beds and took Lindsay's phone, unlocking it and calling Austin, wondering when he and Isa would get their own phones so they didn't have to do this anymore.

"Why so early?"

"It's just Colt. Can I talk to Isa please?"

"Hey dude. Why are you up so early?"

"I dunno. Can I please talk to Isa?"

"Yeah, hold on."

He waited a few minutes and was rewarded with the scratchy, annoyed voice of his best friend.

"Colt. Seriously? It's barely even morning."

"I know."

"Why are you calling me?"

"Go outside and look at the sun coming up."

She grumbled but went to her window, throwing it open to breathe in the air.

"Isn't it cool that we're in different places and we can still watch the sun come up together?"

"I would rather be sleeping but okay."

He laughed and scratched his head watching the cars pass by on the road below.

"So guess what Colt?"

"Hmm?"

"After school gets out, I get to go to California to stay with my uncle Andy for a week."

"California is all the way on the other side of the country."

"Yep. Ma says all us kids will get to go when we're eleven. She said it's a better milestone than thirteen anyway."

"What will you do there? Go to Disneyland?"

"Nah. Ma says probably the beach and hanging out with Dallas and Mikey, my bigger cousins."

"Oh. Well I hope you have fun but it will be weird if you're not here for a while."

"Just a week, Colt. And I will get to skype with you. Plus, I'll bring you something back."

"Okay. Maybe I can send you a real letter."

"Hey, yeah, like they used to do hundreds of years ago."

He chuckled as Avery wandered out onto the deck with him, yawning and hugging him.

"I want to talk to who you are talking to Coley."

"Okay, it's Isa."

He handed the phone to her and she smiled.

"Hello Isa. What are you doing?"

"Talking to your crazy big brother. How about you?"

"I just waked up. Had a great dream an' now I'm gonna go snuggle with someone an' watch cartoons."

"That sounds great."

"I wish you was here, with the whole family. All of us crazies. It would be most fun, but this is fun too. Did Coley tell ya I barfed on the way here?"

"My ma told me."

"Yeah, it was a experience. Oh no! I forgotted to change my baby doll's diaper! Excuse me please, she cannot sit in her own yuck."

She handed the phone back to Colton and dashed inside while Isa laughed.

"Colt, your sister is some kind of crazy."

"I know. Last night mama and daddy were trying to get her to go to bed and she just kept jumping from one bed to the other singing really loud. Daddy said it was because she was too tired. They finally had to tuck her into the couch so tight that she couldn't move. She was out like a light."  
"She's a weirdo."

"Yeah. I'd better go inside and keep her from being too loud while everyone else tries to sleep."

"Okay. I love you Colt."

"I love you too, for all the days."

"Hey Colt? What do you mean when you say that? All the days?"

He shrugged and ran his foot gently over the old wooden deck.

"Just means that I love you for always. Most people say forever but they don't know what it means, not really."

"What does it mean?"

"It means every day before and every day now and every day later. It means that my soul loved you before we were born and it will love you even after we die. That's what best friends do."

She giggled and nodded, raking her hair out of her face.

"I love you for all the days too, Colt. Every single one."

"I'll talk to you later, Sweet Thing."

"Bye Colt."

They ended the call and he went back inside, putting the phone away and finding Avery changing her doll's clothes while Ben stirred from his sleep.

"Hey guys, let's watch cartoons!"

"Okay Ben, I will," Avery said, clambering onto the bed. "I want to sit by you."

"Okay! But you just sitted on the remote."

"Whoops! My butt wants to watch the news!"

Ben hooted with laughter, falling over and burying his face in his pillow while Avery chuckled beside him.

"Guys, don't wake up mama and daddy," Colton admonished, trying not to laugh.

"We're already awake," Adam mumbled, rolling over.

"Oh great! Now we call all watch cartoons together!"

"No way. You kids can watch. We need more sleep."

"They is like bears in the winter," Avery muttered, shaking her head. "Like sleepin' too much."

Adam and Lindsay pulled the blankets over their heads, trying to get some more sleep, while the kids settled on something to watch. The boys overruled Avery and ended up watching a "boy-ish" cartoon, which meant that the redhead had to come up with her own entertainment. Recalling to mind an old episode of her favorite sit-com, she began to gather all the pillows and blankets she could lay her hands on, taking them into the bathroom to complete her project.

She hadn't been done long when the door swung open and her parents stood there, eyebrows raised at the bed she'd made for herself in the bathtub.

"Avery, what are you doing?"

"I am Stephanie Tanner an' this is my new room!" she said, reaching over to close the shower curtain.

"But mama and I need to take showers."

"Nah, you can just not, like us kids."

"I don't think so."

"I could sleep in here tonight?"

"We'll see. Bath time is over."

Sighing, Avery stood up and allowed her project to be undone.

"Well this is not a swell start to my day. It must get better soon."

* * *

"This place is great!" Ben shouted, surveying things from his spot next to the car. "What is it?"

"It's called Fort Adams. It was a military base many years ago and now it's a place to explore."

"Oh that's cool! Will we learn stuff here?"

"Sure will."

Ben nodded and took Avery's hand as they walked across the parking lot to buy their tour tickets. It was true that all three kids found great joy in museums and hands-on experiences, and in planning the trip, Adam and Lindsay had tried to make it as educational as possible, on top of being fun. Even when they tried things out that ended up being failures, they could count on Ben's enthusiasm to carry the mood.

Tickets were purchased for the next tour, which would start in an hour. For now, the kids were free to run around the grassy area while Adam and Lindsay set up a picnic lunch.

"I'm glad our children are easily pleased," Adam commented, watching as their trio started up a game of tag with a few other kids that were visiting the fort as well. "It makes vacation a lot more stress free."

The words were hardly out of his mouth when Avery came running towards them, tears spilling down her cheeks.

"I cannot play!" she whined, falling down to the picnic blanket and rubbing her eyes. "I am not fast an' I keep getting tagged!"

"That doesn't mean you can't play."

"Daddy, it does! Everyone runs from me! I got short legs!"

"All that means is that you have to work harder-"

"I don't want to play anymore," she whined. "I will sit here with y'all, okay? Alright."

She began to pick clovers out of the grass, humming to herself.

"Nothing gets you down for long, does it Miss Aves?"

"Nope daddy, not much. Ooh, can I eat lunch now?"

"It's a little early but I guess if you want to."

"Of course. You know how most I love food," Avery explained, peeking into the basket. "An' I see cheese!"

"You're a cheese-head."

"Yep, I am! Mama is a cereal-head for her loves that a lot."

"Yes I do," Lindsay chuckled. "Honey let me make you a plate instead of just eating out of the basket."

"This is a grab an' growl, mama."

Lindsay laughed and grabbed Avery around the waist, covering her cheeks in kisses.

"You are the greatest daughter I could have ever had."

"Thanks! I really much appreciate that. You are the greatest mama I could have gotted too. An' daddy, you is the greatest daddy even when you tease me."

"You don't want me to tease you anymore, Tink?"

"Oh, you can tease. But don't push it, bub."

He laughed as she started in on her lunch, making happy sounds as she devoured the fried chicken.

"Hey, we seen sissy eating over here," Ben announced as the boys approached. "Figured it was high time that we had something too!"

"High time, huh?"

"Yep, that's what it's called when something is urgent. Right Cole?"

"Well, sort of."

"Sort of is close enough for a cigar. Or for chicken! Thanks for this lunch mama, it's got all my favorite stuff to eat outside."

"Mine too," Colton agreed. "This is a really good vacation so far. I can't wait to go on the tour."

"Me neither!" Ben agreed, taking a huge bite of his lunch.

"Will it have scary parts?" Avery asked warily, peeling a grape.

"Well, we're going to go down into some tunnels so it might be dark, but it won't be scary."

"Okay. I like to be prepared. You know what? I think that someday we will come back here with Becca and she will play tag with us kids. And maybe she will be slow at running like me. And it will be okay, right?"

"Right."

"That will be a fun day. Promise us we can show her this place? With its pretty ocean views?"

"We'll do our best."

"Fabulous."

Satisfied with the future plans, the kids finished their lunches and set out to play again, the boys promising Avery that they would play something where she would be more equally matched.

"You know what I think?" Adam asked, watching the kids play together.

"Hmm?"

"I think that we're pretty lucky to get the three best kids in the world. To get a fourth now is just… I can't imagine life getting any better, can you?"

"No, I don't think so."

* * *

"Sissy, lemme, 'splain something to you. You cannot be the banker because you cannot do math."

"It is not math, Benjamin Ross! It is money!"

"But sissy-"

"I am the banker and I say that I get all the pink money!"

"Mama, sissy has no idea what she's doing and she won't admit it!" Ben hollered, trying to set up the game board while Avery rearranged it to her liking.

"I do know! I am collecting the money. I am the IRS and the bank. You are that one that don't know!"

A small scuffle broke out, in which Avery threw a plastic hotel at him and he tossed her carefully organized money on the floor. Adam's musings about their perfect family seemed laughable as the kids were sent to their own corners to calm down. Ben took his punishment valiantly his only movement being to take his glasses off and clean them on his shirt. Avery was less inclined to fall in with the state of things and turned around in her chair, facing the room and pouting dramatically.

"It all started because I wanted the dog piece," she explained. "Because I miss my Thomas. This is all because of heart-ache."

"Averylin."

"I know, I know. I must not talk. But you need to hear my side!"

"Averylin, I'll tack five more minutes on your time out if you don't be quiet."

Wrinkling her nose, Avery turned back to the wall, crossing her arms over her chest and groaning when Ben was released from his prison before she was.

"Mama, don't clean up that money," Ben said, shaking his head. "I will do it. It is my fault it is there in the first place."

"Thank you honey."

"I didn't mean to fight with sissy," he confessed quietly, glancing over at his sister. "I love her a lot but sometimes she just makes me so mad!"

"The people we love the most can often make us the most upset," Lindsay assured, sitting down in the chair and pulling him into her lap, even though he was getting too big. "It doesn't seem right."

"Why does it happen then?"

"Because when it's someone you love, it matters more."

"Give me an analogy."

She chuckled and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

"Alright. Let's say that you gave a kid in your class a piece of candy. And let's say that this kid just threw it away."

"Well that would be obnoxious."

"Now let's say that you gave Avery an entire bag of candy and she threw it away."

"That would make me real mad!"

"Why?"

"Because I gave her that candy from love!"

"Exactly. When we love people, we give them little parts of our hearts. The people who have the most parts can also hurt our hearts the most."

"Well then why would we love anyone?"

"Because Ben, the chances that you'll get hurt don't seem to matter much when you look at what you get from love."

"What do you get?"

"Look at me and daddy. We loved each other and we got you kids out of it. I think that's worth more than all the little fights we've had over the years."

"That's sweet, mama. Okay, I will go patch things up with sissy because I love her."

He slid off her lap and walked over to Avery, crouching down in front of her and reaching up to take her hand. He didn't say anything but she softened a little, reaching down to hug him, the fight forgotten.

"We're all fine now, mama."

"Yes, may I come out of time out now?"

"You can come out."

"Finally!"

She hopped off the chair and ran to the other side of the room and back, as if her energy had been bottled up for weeks. Next she climbed on one bed and jumped to the other, stumbling at her landing and running into Colton.

"Sorry Coley. Did you lose your place?"

"A little but I got it back," he said, turning the page in his book. "Want me to read some to you?"

"Yes, sure. I like this girl Scout. Me an' her would be friends."

"I bet you would," Colton chuckled before starting to read to her from the last chapter. Ben climbed up with them and sat back against the pillows, tossing his arms behind his head as he listened. Lindsay smiled took a picture of the three of them, then finished setting up the game. It had been a long day of walking and hundreds of questions from the kids before spending the evening at the beach, and she'd been hoping that it would be early to bed for all of them, but Adam had decided that family game night was in order, and was currently out getting snacks. Part of her wanted to decline and crawl into bed while the rest of them played, but she knew the guilt would keep her awake anyway.

"Hey, I hope you guys like popcorn!"

"Yahoo!" Avery shouted, jumping off the bed to help Adam with the grocery bags. "I love it a lot. Thanks daddy!"

"Did you get cookies?" Ben and Colton asked in unison, before dissolving into laughter.

"Yeah, I got cookies. Are you ready to play?"

They all gathered around the table, choosing their preferred snacks and settling in the play the game. Avery wasn't allowed to be the banker, but they agreed that she could be the ATM, handing out the money that Adam was keeping track of. Satisfied with that, but losing interest in the rest of the game, she sat back in her seat and watched everyone else play, munching on her popcorn and wishing she had all the money.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day when mama went to prison," Ben chuckled as Lindsay scooted her thimble over to the far corner. "It's okay. I'll come visit you in the clink."

"Very funny."

"Ben, make sure you bring her a cake with a nail file in it so she can saw her way outta there."

"You two watch too many movies."

"You'll be grateful for that when we break you out of the slammer."

"How did we end up with you three weirdos?"

"Because of love, like you told me, mama. Because of love."


	302. Chapter 302

A/N: I am so sorry this took me so long. I am really having a hard time with the story right now and I don't want to skip ahead but I might have to. Currently fielding any and all suggestions for upcoming chapters. My brain is mush, sometimes it needs a little poke to get moving.

* * *

"Adam your phone is ringing."

"Mmm."

"It's loud."

"Mmm."

"You're on call."

"It's too early."

"Then you shouldn't have gotten yourself field rated and decided to go back to school at the same time."

He groaned and rolled over.

"A doctorate is just a few extra letters after my name, I would rather a few extra hours of sleep."

"Babe, please get your phone," Lindsay sighed, pulling the pillow over her head.

He rubbed his eyes and took the phone off the stand, answering it and sighing at the early hour. He'd been up until midnight studying in a way he hadn't since college, and while sleep had come easily, Avery had crawled into their bed just an hour later and spent the next twenty minutes fighting sleep by telling them a story about space ponies.

Jo gave him the address of the crime scene and he wrote it down on the pad of paper next to the bed, promising that he would be there as soon as he could.

"You gotta go?"

"Yeah. I'll call and let you know when I'll be home."

"Okay. Be safe."

"I will. I love you."

"Love you too."

He leaned down to kiss her just as Avery woke again, yawning and rubbing at her eyes.

"It is morning?" she asked, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her eyes. "Oh daddy, where are you going to?"

"I have to go to work. Stay here and get some more sleep."

"I want to go with you!" she said with a grin. "Can I?"

"Not today. Stay here and cuddle with mama. Someone should."

"Alright, I will cuddle her most big for you."

"Thanks Tink. Be a good girl today."

"Oh yes, I am a good girl all days. You be a good boy at work."

He chuckled.

"I will."

He kissed them both again and headed into the bathroom, leaving them to snuggle up in the middle of the bed.

"Mama?" Avery yawned after a moment. "I growed inside your belly?"

"Yes, you did."

"An' the boys?"

"They did too."

"That is strange. I have a question."

"I hope I have an answer."

Avery cleared her throat and twisted a strand of hair around her finger before she started.

"Babies grow inside their mama's bellies. All babies do. So that means that Becca growed inside her mama's belly. An' I got to thinking. If she growed inside her mama's belly, why does she not have her mama now?"

Lindsay sucked in a breath and held it for a moment, completely taken by surprise by this line of questioning. She was more prepared for the birds and the bees talk than she was for this.

"That's a pretty big question for this early in the morning."

"Oh, you are right. Perhaps I will keep the question for later. Just tell me if you know the answer."

"I know the answer, Averylin. But I don't understand it."

"That means it's a grown up thing, an' it will be a long story. Yes, best to wait for later. After I come from school?"

"Austin's picking you up today," Lindsay yawned. "I've got to go to work after I drop you off."

"I get a day with mine Austin? How fabulous!"

"It will be even more fabulous if you're not tired out of your gourd."

"That means snooze scruffy."

Lindsay smiled and kissed her daughter gently. She wouldn't being going back to sleep this morning; she'd be too busy silently screaming about the injustices that left a tiny, sick child in a crib all the way on the other side of the world.

* * *

"We're not going to get prints off of any of this stuff," Jo grumped, surveying the stuffed animals that had spilled out of their shipping boxes onto the floor of the store's stockroom.

"Hey, we might not need to," Adam assured, taking a few last photographs of the area. "I'm thinking that the toys were spilled afterwards. Nothing seems to be under the body, no blood spray on anything either."

"But if they fell after the murder, what made them fall?"

Adam glanced over at her, noting the bags under her eyes and the furrow in her brow. It wasn't like her to think so inside the box and he wanted to explain what he was thinking, but he wasn't sure she would even be able to pay attention right now. Clearly she was in serious need of a day off.

"We'll gather them all anyway, just in case. Any ID on the vic?"

Flack yawned and flipped his notebook open.

"Amanda Benzie, 23. She works part time at the store while she goes to school."

"Works graveyards?"

"Yeah. Her coworkers didn't know about any trouble she was having, but there's only two other people on the clock right now. The manager will be in any minute."

"When did they find her?"

"About an hour ago. She'd come to the stock room to start putting out a shipment of stuff, and neither one of them saw her after that. They said they only had a few customers in the store and that the front door doesn't have anything that rings when someone comes in."

"Looks like we'll need to get security tapes then."

"I'm on it. Their system is old, takes a long time to queue up."

Adam nodded and began his mental checklist of things to do before he could start moving things around and gathering evidence. He'd been working in the field for years on and off, but to take on the responsibility of actually being rated was a bigger deal, and he was afraid of making a mistake that could set the entire course of the investigation off in the wrong direction.

Sid arrived a few minutes later, and after he'd made his own notes, they worked together to removed the stuffed animals from the body and bag each one separately. It would be a lot to take back to the lab, but it was necessary to be thorough.

"Looks like she was strangled from the front," Sid said, inspecting the tell-tale marks. "Handprints here. Face to face."

Adam gulped and took a photo of the area. There was a reason that he preferred the lab to the field, and that reason was laying before him right now, eyes closed, breath having left her body a long time ago. He tried not to think about it but every time he blinked, all he could see was one of the kids in a state similar to this, perishing because of someone else. Rebecca's mortality had been more at the forefront of their minds from the beginning, not only because of her precarious health, but because of her current state of living. It wasn't that he could easily accept the end of her life as much as the fact that it was more commonly possible. The other three kids had always been so far from ill health and most dangers that he'd never really thought about them in a situation like this. Ever since Rebecca, things had changed.

"Manager's here," Jess said quietly, poking her head into the room. "Don, I'm going to need your help."

"Can't handle it?"

"This is his daughter."

A silence descended on the room and no one moved for just a moment as the information sunk in. Jo was the first to break the silence, clearing her throat and crouching down by the body, shaking her head and whispering something no one else could hear.

This was going to be a very long day.

* * *

"Honey, aren't you going to watch the security tapes?"

Adam looked up from the magnifying glass and glanced at Lindsay, giving her a shrug.

"They'll still be there in a minute."

"It might show who the killer is, Adam. We need that as soon as possible."

"I don't want to see her last moments, and I don't want to see it happen, okay?"

Lindsay nodded and finished logging the evidence, then walked around the light table, running her hand down his back while kissing him softly.

"I'll do it. You alright?"

"Not enough sleep."

She nodded and squeezed his wrist before grabbing the box of security tapes off the counter and heading for the other room.

He'd been quiet all morning, and while she could chalk it up to being tired, and having spent the morning at a crime scene, she knew there was something more just under the surface. She'd arrived at work just as he and Jo had returned to the lab with the evidence, and while Jo had seemed somber, Adam was acting downright curmudgeonly. She didn't want to push him, but at the same time, she knew that the longer he kept it inside, the worse it would be when it finally leaked out.

Yawning, she rubbed at her eyes while the DVD ran at double speed through the few hours before the murder. She was able to keep an eye on the screen without nodding off, a surprising feat considering that all three kids had been piled in the bed with her when she finally woke up for good. Colton had been laying across the foot of the bed snoring while Avery was snuggled up to her and Ben lay with one skinny leg thrown over her calves. She wasn't sure why they gravitated upstairs when Adam left at all hours, and she wasn't sure if they were getting too old for such things, but she figured if it made them feel better, then there was no problem with it.

Rolling her neck, she slowed the tape down for the hour leading up to the murder, pausing it when Flack came in, holding a sketch.

"Seen anyone that looks like this?" he asked, holding it out for her.

"Not so far. Why?"

"This guy is a regular customer at the store," he explained. "Amanda's father said this guy was bothersome, would hang around the store for hours like everyone there was his best friend. At first it was okay, just irritating, but over the last month or so, Amanda had started to complain about it. She said this guy kept asking her out, offering to pay for new clothes for her, then getting upset when she refused."

"Sounds like he could be dangerous."

"Neither one of the employees working last night saw him come in or leave, but it's very possible they could have missed him."

"It looks like they stay pretty steady through the night," Lindsay noted. "Not busy but there always seems to be a customer or two in the store."

"Keep an eye out. This is your copy."

He left the sketch with her and she glanced at it briefly before going back to the screen. It seemed that a 24-hour market was a magnet for crazy people, and had she not been looking for a murderer, she would have been laughing at the antics of some of the patrons. At one point, an intoxicated woman sat on the floor in the middle of the aisle and seemed to sing to herself, until one of the employees helped her to her feet and back out the door.

She was getting closer and closer to the time of death when it finally happened. Amanda was coming out of the backroom and was flagged down by a customer who had his head down and a hat on. A short conversation followed and Amanda went into the backroom. She didn't notice that the man had caught the door before it closed, nor that he had followed her. Lindsay sat tensely for ten minutes, watching the door and wishing she had a better angle on the security window in it. Finally the man emerged, keeping his head down as he ran off in the direction of the front door. Lindsay pulled the video back to the start of the interaction and watched it once more before she picked up the phone and dialed Jo's desk.

"Hey. I think I've got something. Did you guys happen to find a hat at the scene?"

Finding the baseball hat among the evidence and swabbing it for DNA had been easy. Lindsay had noticed that the killer, whoever he was, had gone into the backroom behind Amanda, wearing a hat, but had returned without out. It must have been knocked off in the struggle.

* * *

Adam was across the room, still brooding and processing evidence while she ran the DNA through the automated machine and waited for markers to pop up. Flack and Jess were out tracking down the problem customer and Lindsay was hoping to have a complete DNA profile to compare him to when they brought him in. While the machine worked, she watched Adam out of the corner of her eye, hoping that his movements would give her some clue as to what was wrong with him. She hated when he got like this, knowing it usually ended with the two of them arguing. There was too much stress right now, she didn't need to bicker with her husband on top of it. Sighing, she stood up from the machine and walked over to him, standing close until he looked up.

"What's the matter?"

"In a funk."

"What kind of funk?"

"It's just been a long day."

She reached over and slid one arm around him, whishing she could take him out of here for a little while.

"You want to tell me about it? I've got a while until that DNA is ready, and you're in need of a break."

"Yeah."

He secured the evidence he'd been working on in the safe and she made sure the DNA machine was locked before they left the room and made their way to the darkened hallway, which had been the location of many private conversations over the years. Lindsay leaned against the wall and Adam paced back and forth for a moment before he said anything, finally coming to stand beside her.

"I don't know what it is about this case, Linds. Can't stop thinking about the kids, wondering if they're safe. I'm frustrated about how slow the adoption process is going and I'm afraid something is going to happen to Rebecca before we can get there."

"I am too."

"I don't know why it's hitting me today."

"Because a year ago we were in Phoenix."

His breath left him in a whoosh and she reached out for his hand, pulling him into a hug.

"I'm sorry babe."

"I can't believe I didn't remember."

"It crept up on us. Maybe you should call your sister tonight, take her out to dinner or something."

"Yeah. Might help."

They stood there for a while longer, quietly and not needing to discuss anything more at this point. All she could do was be there for him, the rest didn't need to be overanalyzed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm going to get back to work, but why don't you take a little bit and call your dad?"

"Thanks."

She kissed his cheek and left him alone in the hallway, hoping that was enough to get him through the rest of the day. By the time she returned to the lab, the DNA machine was beeping and she punched in her code so the report would print out.

"Hey, where'd Adam go?" Jo asked, poking her head in the room.

"He's taking a break."

"Will he be back soon? Flack brought the guy in, I thought Adam might want to sit in on the interrogation with me."

"He might. If you're leaving now I'll send him over when he gets back."

"I wasn't going to leave just yet. Got the DNA report for me?"

Lindsay nodded and handed the paper over, leaning back in her chair and wondering if Adam would be okay to sit in on an interrogation today or not. He'd only been a part of a few and he was still finding his footing, but he wasn't going to refuse no matter how he felt about it. She briefly considered not telling him at all, but that could backfire on so many levels. Better just to wait and let him make the choice himself.

He returned a few minutes later and agreed to go with Jo and sit in on the interrogation. Barring a DNA match they didn't have much on this guy, but he needed to be questioned anyway, and he was the only suspect they had so far. Lindsay watched as Adam walked to the elevator and she bit her lip, hoping he would be okay.

* * *

Two hours later found Adam pacing the darkened office that Lindsay shared with Danny, cracking his knuckles, each snap like a small shout of rage. Lindsay had tried to get out of him what had happened but so far he'd just walked and muttered to himself. She was getting worried and thought about calling Jo for some information when Adam finally slammed one fist into the palm of his other hand, breathing hard.

"He did it, you know. Admitted it with some big sob story about how she refused all his advances with all these excuses and he just wanted her to shut up so he could tell her how he felt."

"So he had a psychotic break?"

"I don't know. I don't care. Because no matter what happened or why, she's still dead and her father is making funeral arrangements."

He flopped down on the couch wearily and she moved from her desk to join him, pulling her legs up underneath her and taking his hand.

"It's not easy, I know."

"It's not supposed to be easy because it's not supposed to happen. Did we really bring kids into this world and not think twice about what it would be like?"

"Hey, Adam stop it. Listen to me, I know this is hard and I know that it makes you question everything, but don't start thinking we did our kids a disservice by creating them. We said we would raise them to be the good in the world, didn't we?"

"They shouldn't have to see the bad."

"I know."

He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees and his voice dropping so low that he almost couldn't hear it.

"It's not fair that our daughter is thousands of miles away and there's nothing we can do about it. Amanda died this morning in a place that was supposed to be safe and there is nothing her father can do about it. I can't accept that."

"I can't either. But it doesn't matter if we accept it or not. It happens. At the end of the day we have to know that we've done our best. Adam, we're going to get there. We're going to see our daughter and bring her home and give her a wonderful life."

"I know."

"For right now, let's go home."

"Linds…"

"The case is over, there's nothing left to finish up. You've put in a full day and then some, and I've put in enough that I can leave and feel okay about it. Let's go be with the kids."

He nodded and she slid into his lap, holding him tightly and trying to silently let him know how much she loved him.

"We'll make it, babe."

"I know."

"Let's go home."

They stood up from the couch and gathered their things, passing by layout to let Danny know they were leaving. The car ride home was quiet, hands joined on the console between them. They stopped off quickly to pick up the kids, who brought chatter and noise into the car with them, breaking into the somberness of the day. It brought some levity to their moods and by the time they arrived home, they were in much better spirits.

The five of them made dinner together, music up loud in the kitchen as they set about their various tasks. The conversation around the dinner table was happy and full of laughter as the kids related stories about their day. Once everything was cleaned up and put away, the boys started in on their homework, while Avery used the computer for a reading game. By bedtime, Adam's mood from before had dissipated greatly and he felt a little more like himself. He took a moment to bid the boys goodnight, making sure to set the timer by their beds so they would know when it was time to stop reading and go to bed. It wasn't until he was tiptoeing across the hallway that he realized why Lindsay had left bedtime duty up to him tonight. It would be the best way to settle himself before trying to sleep.

"Hey Averylin. Time for sleep."

Avery nodded, loose curls bouncing on her shoulders as she put the book aside and climbed under the covers. Adam knelt down next to the bed and reached over to stroke his hand down her cheek, taking a moment to look into her eyes, feeling like maybe he could find some kind of hope there.

"Why the long face, little buckaroo?" she asked, reaching over to rub his arm. "I love you so most daddy."

"I love you too Tink."

"What is the matter?"

"It was just a long day."

"Did something bad happen at work? You look sad."

"I was just thinking about you growing up. Thinking about all the bad things that you'll see in your life. Reconsidering ever letting you out of the house."

"Oh daddy," she chuckled. "You're very silly."

"I just don't want your heart to break."

"Oh, you mean like from a boy. Well daddy, boys is gross. I do not like them much, 'cept for my buddy Nicholas, but he has a girlfriend in our class anyway. I do not like playing with boys much, but if I gotta, I will pick my brothers and Daniel. They are not gross like the rest."

"Oh, I see."

She reached over and patted his hand reassuringly.

"Do not fret, daddy. I keep my heart safe and not broked."

"I hope so."

She nodded and wrinkled her nose, tipping her head to the side.

"Daddy, did your heart ever get breaked?"

"A time or two. But then time went on and it wasn't as bad as I thought."

"You did not ever break a heart did you?"

"I hope not."

"Good. I would not want to know that you have breaked mama's heart. Or I would have to be very upset with you. An' I don't want to do that."

"I do my very best not to break mama's heart."

"Want to know what happened to me today?"

"Of course," he laughed, loving the sound of her voice and the way she could move from one subject to the next as if she'd planned out the whole conversation.

"Today there was a boy in my class that is mean. He is called Devon. An' I have veggies for a snack today and he was mean because of saying that veggies was gross. An' I real like my veggies and I told him that, straight up."

"Straight up, huh?"

"Yes. An' he said I was not a real kid because real kids do not eat veggies because they are healthy and I said that veggies was food and food is most good and he should shut his yapper."

"Oh Aves."

"Austin picked me up today and I told that story to her and she reminded me that I dip my veggies in cheesy sauce so it is not that healthy anyway. So the next day I have school I will tell him about that, me and my cheese."

"You sure love cheese."

"Yes, very most. The same way mama loves cereal. Hey daddy, maybe someday me an' mama could make a cheese cereal."

"That would be disgusting."

"We would love it."

He laughed and got up from the floor, leaning over to hug her tightly.

"I love you, Averylin Grace."

"I love you too, daddy."

"Sleep good."

"Okay. Gimme some kisses."

He obliged happily and she reciprocated, placing a loud smacking kiss on his cheek.

"You sleep well, daddy. Cuddle with mama and relax. Lord knows you need it."

"You're very smart, Tink. Go to sleep."

He kissed her once more and shut off the light, awaiting the day when both of his daughters would be here to kiss goodnight.


	303. Chapter 303

A/N: I felt like we all needed a dose of Ben to lighten things up. Because when it rains, it pours.

* * *

"Ben, it's almost time to go!"

The shout from downstairs increased Ben's panic and he pushed his glasses up, taking inventory of the things in his backpack one more time before checking his watch. Science time was at ten sharp and he quickly calculated down to the minute how much time was left before he and Junior had to stand in front of the entire class and give a presentation. They were prepared and neither one of them had a fear of public speaking, but Ben desperately wanted to get this right.

"We're gonna be late," Colton said, poking his head in the door. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, I'm just a little fretful."

"About what?"

"This thing in science class. Daddy told me this morning to imagine everyone in their underwear but mama rolled her eyes and said that never works. You got any advice, Cole?"

"Just be yourself. Remember how you used to do show and tell all the time? Make it just like that. You and Junior studied up a lot on this, I think you know your stuff pretty well. You won't mess up."

"Thanks. I sure hope you're right. When you were my age, what did you do your science project on?"

"Mama and daddy helped me make a pair of lungs."

"That sounds cool. I just hope me and Junior do a good job. I'm kind of doing bad in science."

"You are?"

"I thought I had it handled, on account of mama and daddy are sciency people. I should not have been so brash."

"You can make up for it with this presentation."

"That would be good. I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me."

"You'll do great, Ben."

"Thanks Cole. We'd better get going 'fore mama has to tell us again."

The brothers grabbed their things and headed downstairs. Avery was by the front door, singing to herself as she put on an old pair of Ben's shoes.

"Hey boys," she greeted. "Mama told me to tell you to get a move on it."

"Where is she?"

"Took Thomas for a fast walk because we don't have time later. She will be back soon."

"I'm back now," Lindsay said, pulling the screen door open. "Are you guys ready?"

They all nodded and she let the dog back into the house, shouting up to Adam that they were leaving.

"Goodbye my Thomas baby!" Avery said with a wave. "I will be back later, with a present for you!"

"You're getting a present for Thomas, sissy?" Ben questioned as they made their way to the car. "Are you making it in your school?"

"No Ben," Avery laughed. "Mac is pickin' me up from school. We are going to the dog toy store. I saved up my monies to buy a toy for my Thomas. That's what you have to do when you're a mama."

"Oh, I see. Well that's nice of you to do that for Thomas. I'm sure she'll be very happy about it."

"Yes, her will be. I telled her about it already."

"What else are you gonna do with Mac?" Colton asked as Lindsay started the car.

"I don't know yet! It will be a adventure. I like days with Mac. He always takes me to a place to eat."

"He does?"

"An' he lets me have chocolate milk!"

"You know, I wish that I got to have special days with all kinds of people, instead of going to school," Ben mused. "You get to hang out with all the most special people in our lives."

"Yep! Mama says it's not fun bein' the baby of the family but I get to do this stuff that you big kids don't get to do, so then it is fair. Mama was the baby of her family too. She knows how it is."

"It's funny to think of you as a little kid, mama. You've been a grown up for as long as I've known you."

"Yes, that's true."

"Do you even remember being a little kid?"

"Yes mama it was most long ago."

"Gee, thanks guys."

"We don't mean you are oldish, mama," Avery assured. "It is just that you are older than we are! By a lot! But that is okay because we are very young children."

Colton snickered and caught Lindsay's eye in the rearview mirror, giving her a knowing look.

"Yes, I remember being a little kid, and by the standards of back then, you three are spoiled rotten."

"Didja only have sticks to play with?" Ben laughed. "And you did not have 'lectricity or nothing? Did you wear boxes for shoes?"

"You're hilarious."

"Wait, I got more. Was it so long ago that in school there was not even history class on account of history had not happened yet? Are all your memories in black and white because they did not have color back then?"

"Very funny, Benjamin."

"I like jokes," he said with a shrug. "When Rebecca comes to live with us, I will teach her how to tell jokes I think. And then what will you do with two comedians in the house?"

"I will duck and cover."

"I think I will grow up to be like that Jeff Foxworthy guy you like so much. He's much classier than the Cable Guy."

"I think you'd be a good comedian, Ben."

"Hey, thanks Cole! Today after school maybe we can look up some videos on the computer and learn about being one of those."

"I'll volunteer to be your heckler."

Lindsay snickered while Ben scrunched up his face.

"What's a heckler?"

"Someone who sits in the audience and boos. You've got to get used to people like that."

"Oh okay. Then that's a plan."

They performed a "secret" handshake on it and Avery shook her head.

"You boys are most silly."

"You're even more silly, sissy."

"Oh yes, I do know that. Oh, here we are at your school!"

"Wish me luck for my project today!"

"I wish you luck, Ben. C'mere, I will kiss your face."

Ben laughed and leaned over, accepting the hug and kiss from his little sister.

"You will do well and 'complish much. I believe in you."

"Thanks sissy. That means a lot."

She nodded as the boys got out of the car, shouting their goodbyes and making their way into the building. Ben's stomach rolled nervously as he parted ways with Colton and went into his classroom, finding Junior already there.

"Hey buddy."

"Hey buddy."

Ben sat down in the desk next to his best friend, sighing heavily.

"What's the matter Ben? You look like someone didn't laugh at one of your jokes."

"I'm just really nervous. I don't know why."

"I was nervous today too. But I asked my ma about it and she said that it's normal to be nervous and just remember that these are the same kids we play with at recess every day."

"Yeah. I'm not nervous about that part really. I am nervous we won't get a good grade."

"You don't even have to worry about that! My handsome face and your personality will get us far. Plus, we really know our stuff. We'll be just fine, Ben."

"If I fail science class, will we still be best friends?"

"Are you kidding me? Ben, don't be ridiculous."

"I'm just a little out of sorts is all. I'll be better by lunchtime."

"Remember what you said to me on the first day of kindergarten? You said that if I got scared, I could just look to the side and you would be there."

"Hey yeah! I suppose that still applies huh?"

"Yeah, even after we conquer the world."

They high fived and Ben grinned widely, feeling better already.

* * *

"Hey Ben, how'd it go?" Colton asked, jogging over the blacktop to his brother.

"It went pretty good! We talked about fingerprints and how everybody has different ones, and how mama and daddy and Danny can use them to solve crimes. Then everybody got to use a magnifying glass and look at their own fingerprints to see what they looked like. And the best part of all, Mr. Chapman said it was a really good project and if we want to add some more to it, we could do it at the science fair!"

"Whoa, that's awesome! They don't usually let you in until the fourth grade."

"I know! I definitely won't be doing bad in science now and mama and daddy will be really proud of me."

"I'm proud of you too. Think you could teach me about fingerprints later when we get home?"

"Yeah! I could get some practicin' in for when we go to the science fair. Do you think Mac will help us, seein' as he is retired now and has nothing to do?"

"Probably."

"Great. Well my class has to go back in now, our recess is over. I'll see you after school Cole!"

They waved goodbye and Ben met up with Charlotte and Junior, filing back into the classroom. He knew now what it meant to feel like you were walking on air, and even though math was next, he felt very happy about all he had done so far today.

"Ben, did you see Isa out at recess?"

"Nope, I was talkin' to Cole. Why?"

Junior sighed and scrunched up his nose.

"She was sitting by herself, crying."

"Why do you think that was?"

"I don't know. I just barely seen her and I asked what was wrong and she just said something bad happened and she needed to talk to Colt."

"Do you think she got in trouble?"

Junior shook his head sadly.

"I don't think so. I think it was real serious. Isa doesn't cry about much but she looked so sad. I flagged Sarah down before we went inside so maybe she can help her. I'm pretty worried though."

"Well hopefully Cole and Sarah can help her. It pains my heart when the people I love are upset."

"Me too."

"I think she will be okay," Charlotte said with a nod, putting her sweater on the hook by her backpack.

"You do?"

"Yeah. How could anyone be sad for long when they've got a family like you all have?"

"You know what Charlotte?" Junior laughed, tossing his arm around her shoulders. "I sure like you a lot better than Ben's last girlfriend."

"What last girlfriend?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at Ben.

"Rosie."

"But rest assured Charlotte, she was just a blip on my radar screen. You and me have been together for a long time."

"Well okay then."

They sat down at their desks and Ben pulled a piece of paper out, covering it with his arm while he wrote carefully on it.

"What are you doing?"

"Writin' a love note to Charlotte. Don't tell anyone."

Junior just rolled his eyes. He wasn't interested in girls as anything more than friends, but then Ben wasn't interested in sports as anything more than something interesting to try and understand, so he couldn't really make fun of his best friend over this. They had a lot in common, but even more about them was different. Junior liked those differences. If he had a best friend that was exactly the same as him, there would be nothing new to talk about.

Ben completed the letter and folded it up intricately, an origami design he'd learned from Sarah, then sneakily reached up and dropped it over Charlotte's shoulder and into her lap. She turned slightly and gave him a grin, and he sat back in his chair happily. This was shaping up to be a great day.

* * *

"An' then I talked to the lady for a long time 'bout bein' a animal doctor," Avery explained. "She told me all about going to school and learning her job, and she told me that she loves animals and helping them. And then she teached me about some of the animals at the store and she told me how they take care of them and things. And that is when I decided something great. I decided that when I grow up, I will be a doctor for animals, just like Coley will be a doctor for people."

"That sounds pretty good, Avery," Lindsay smiled. "Are you ready for all that school?"

"Oh yes mama. If it will help the animals."

"I think you will be great at it, sissy. Just look how good you take care of Thomas. She's the best dog I ever knew."

"Aw, thanks Ben!" Avery giggled, blushing. "What do you think, Coley?"

"Sounds good," he grunted, staring down at his plate sullenly.

"Colton, honey what's the matter?"

"Nothing, can I please be excused now?"

"Buddy, are you okay?" Adam asked, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder.

"Yeah, I just want to have some alone time."

They excused him from the table and he took his plate into the kitchen before heading upstairs to his room.

"Ben, do you have any idea what's up with your brother?"

Ben shook his head.

"Junior said Isa was crying at recess, so maybe his heart is just heavy for her."

"Do you know what it was about?"

"Nope. Neither one of them said anything on the bus and he's just been upstairs doing his homework all day. It's a mystery. And I can only solve mysteries that involve fingerprints. Want me to go talk to him?"

"No, we'll take care of it. We should just let him have some time alone."

"Well not for very long. So sissy, are you going to just be a doctor for dogs or all kinds of animals?"

"Well, I enjoy dogs and horses the most, so maybe those. And cats because a lot of people have them. I will see when I get older. Maybe I could help monkeys! That would be so much fun!"

"Sissy," Ben started seriously, his eyes wide. "You could work at the zoo."

"Holy crap!" she shouted, nearly jumping out of her chair. "I could do that! I never even thinked of that Ben! Mama, can I be excused! I must go and look at my zoo book!"

She didn't wait for a reply, just jumped up and took her plate to the sink, heart thumping in her chest as she ran upstairs with Ben on her heels. She slid to her knees on the floor and pulled a book from the bottom of the shelf, tearing it open.

"Ben, you haved a most wonderful idea! Look at all these animals I could help!"

"Can you imagine being a doctor for a lion? That would be so great!"

"Oh yes. That means I could actually pet them and play with them too. Would you come visit me at work, Ben?"

"Sure! And I would brag to everyone that you're my awesome sister."

She giggled and turned the page in her book, humming to herself.

"My life will be most grand. What about yours?"

"Well," Ben sighed, laying back on the floor and pulling his arms under his head. "I said that thing this morning about being a comedian, but that's not all I want to do."

"What do you want to do Ben? I want to know so I can come visit you at your work and brag to everyone about my awesome brother."

He laughed and reached over to pat her head.

"I just want to help people. I don't know how yet. When I get older I'll probably figure it out."

"Ben?"

"Hmm?"

"I heard mama and daddy talking. They said that Rebecca maybe will live with them forever. They said she might never be able to live alone."

"That's just a maybe, sissy. She will have a good life just like us. Even if she does live with mama and daddy forever, it will be a good life. It's like Charlotte said to me today. How could anyone be sad when they have a family like ours?"

"We must discover what is distressing Coley."

"I agree, sissy. Let's leave it to mama and daddy, but do a good job bein' there for our big brother, because he's always been there for us."

Avery nodded and went back to her book while Ben sighed and thought things through quietly. What could possibly be upsetting his big brother so much?


	304. Chapter 304

There was a gentle knock on the door and Colton looked up from his book to see his parents stepping into the room.

"Can we talk to you, buddy?"

"I'm reading."

"Can you stop reading for just a little bit?"

He sighed and closed the book, setting it on his bedside table. He didn't want to talk about things until he'd figured it out in his head, but he wasn't really keen on spending time doing that either.

"You want to tell us what's bothering you?"

"I don't want to talk about it, daddy."

"Sometimes it helps."

Colton bit the inside of his cheek but had to blink back the tears anyway. It was so much easier to ignore it all, bury his nose in a book and leave things to deal with later. Why wouldn't they just leave him to it? Why were they both right here, leaving him nowhere to escape to?"

"Listen buddy, we know Isa was upset today too. And we would never ask her what's going on with you like that, but if it's hurting both of you then we need to know."

"Something bad happened," he whispered after a moment, wishing he had something to hide behind.

"What is it honey?"

They sat down on either side of him and he leaned into Lindsay, feeling like he was a little boy again, but wishing he could handle this like a man.

"Remember my friend Oliver?"

"From kindergarten? Yeah."

"Doesn't he go to a different school now?"

"Yeah. Sometimes we skype but we haven't seen him really in a long time. And remember how our friend Samantha was friends with him too? Well they still see each other sometimes because their moms are friends."

"Okay."

"Today at school, Samantha told Isa that Oliver… she said that he… well his family was in a car accident. And Oliver and his little brother, they both died."

A silence descended on the room and despite not wanting to give into his emotions, Colton began to cry, crawling into Lindsay's lap and letting her rock him gently back and forth.

"I'm so sorry honey."

"I didn't think it could really happen," he sniffled, calming a little as Adam rubbed his back. "Kids aren't supposed to die."

"No, they're not."

"I know it happens, but it shouldn't. And now I have to think about it. I have to remember that it happens. What if something happens to Ben or Aves? What if it happens to Rebecca? Or any of the other kids? What if I can't protect them?"

No one had an answer for him so they stayed quiet for a long time, until he'd cried out his frustrations. He took a deep breath and rubbed at his eyes, unsure of what to say, much less what to feel.

"I don't know how to feel better."

"You can't make yourself feel better, honey," Lindsay assured, lifting his head so she could look at him. "You're going to feel horrible for a while, but every day it gets a little easier."

"How come I always have to learn about the world like this?" he finally shouted. "I didn't want to know any of this!"

"I know."

"It's not fair! I'm supposed to be just a kid!"

"I know, Colton. I know you are."

"I hate this and I don't want to talk about it anymore. Can I please just read my book again?"

"Colton, you can't just forget it. That makes it worse."

"I don't care, mama. You don't understand why this happens so why should I even try?"

"No one will understand why this happens, ever. And no one is saying you have to figure that out. But you can't just pretend it didn't happen."

"Can I please talk to Isa?"

"Honey-"

"Mama, please? Can you take me over there or something?"

She sighed and stroked her fingers through his hair, wishing she could fix it for him herself, but knowing that he needed to talk it over with someone who was feeling the same hurt.

"Okay. I'll take you over."

"Thanks mama."

* * *

They sat on her bed together, legs crossed and hands joined between them, the same way they always sat when discussing something important. They were sure Sarah was just outside the door trying to listen in, but that didn't matter very much. Right now they just needed each other.

"Colt, I've never felt this sad before," Isa started. "Usually when I get sad I also get angry but today I'm not angry. I just want to cry."

"Me too. I keep getting worried about everyone. My stomach hurts a lot too."

"What would you do if something like that happened to me?"

Colton gulped and shook his head.

"Don't talk about that, Isa."

"But what would you do?"

"I don't know."

"If it was you Colt, I'd want to die too."

"Don't talk like that, Isa. Please."

She nodded and he reached up to push her dark hair out of her face.

"Colt?"

"Hmm?"

"I don't want to go to California."

"What? Why?"

"Because what if something happens while I'm gone? What if my ma gets hurt again? What if one of the kids does? What if I never see someone again?"

A tear slid down her cheek and he leaned forward to wipe it away, then moved so he was next to her, pulling her into a hug.

"You have to go. If you don't go, if you stay here because you're scared, then you're telling yourself that your fear is the boss of you. And nothing has ever been the boss of you, Isa Messer."

She cracked a little smile at that and he pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"Sometimes I worry about my mama and daddy," he admitted. "Even though when they say goodbye they always promise to be safe, I know that those words aren't powerful enough to keep danger away. So that's why I try so hard to make sure they know I love them. Because if something happens, at least you have no regrets."

"I don't like thinking about these things, Colt. I'm not mature enough for this."

"Me neither. At least we have each other."

She nodded and turned closer to him, tossing her arms around his waist and snuggling into his side while he kept a tight hold on her.

"I wonder what it was like," she said after a while. "If Oliver was in pain. Or what if he was awake the whole time. Did he know he was dying?"

"That's morbid, Is."

"That's real, Colt."

He sighed and nodded, knowing that she was right. What was it so much easier to hear it coming from her than it was to think it in his own head?

"Colt, I promise that if something bad ever happens to me, I will still love you. Even when I'm dead."

"I'll love you too, Is. You're my heart."

"You're mine."

They sat like that for a little while longer, just being quiet and grateful that they still had each other.

"Let's go up to the roof," Isa said after a while, grabbing his hand. "Come on, the stars are almost out."

Not sure they should be doing this but unable to tell her no, he followed her out the window and up the fire escape to the roof of the building.

"I come up here a lot," she confessed, sitting down on a flannel blanket. "At night when ma and daddy think I'm asleep. I listen to the city and watch all the lights flickering in the distance. It's nice up here."

Colton nodded and joined her on the blanket, laying down and throwing his arms behind his head.

"Hey Isa?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you going to do when you grow up?"

"I think I'll travel. I don't know what I'll do for work, but that's what I'll do for fun. Want to come with me?"

"Yep."

"I think I'll go to Europe first, on a backpacking trip. I want to sleep in a hostel."

"What's that?"

"It's like a huge building with lots of beds that travelers sleep in. Almost a hotel, but one big room, really."

"That sounds terrible."

"It's an adventure, Colt. And think of all the people you would meet. Plus you can do it on the cheap."

"Not my style. But I'll go with you anyway."

"Okay. Then we'll do something you want to do after that. Unless it's a museum, I don't know why you like those so much."

Colton chuckled.

"They're fun."

"They're quiet."

He smiled and took her hand, threading their fingers together and giving her a squeeze.

"Isa, I'm really gonna miss you when you go to California."

"I'll miss you too, Colt."

"Think we can skype?"

"Yeah, we can. Maybe even call each other."

"I'm going to crush-hug you when you get back."

"Thanks for being my best friend, Colt. I love you a lot."

"Love you lots too, Is."

* * *

"No Thomas, that's my princess underpants!" Avery hollered, running out of her room and following the dog down the stairs. Ben backed up against the wall as they passed, smiling to himself at his sister's predicament, but not being deterred from his mission.

He found Colton in their bedroom, changing out of his nice clothes and into jeans and a t-shirt, a small frown on his face.

"Hey Cole."

"Hey."

"So… how was it?"

"It wasn't fun, Ben."

"I know that. While you were gone daddy told me that funerals are a good way of saying goodbye to someone we cared about. Did it work?"

Colton nodded gently.

"I think so. I feel a little better. Me and Isa and Samantha sat together and at the end we all went and hugged Oliver's mom. She cried pretty hard but she hugged us back and said she was glad we were there. So I guess that makes it a good thing, that we helped her to feel okay."

"Does your heart feel alright?"

"It feels better than this morning."

"Good. Mama said you were planning on getting the garden ready to plant this afternoon. I was hoping I could help you."

"Really?"

"Yep. It's something you like to do and I want to join you. That's what brothers do."

Colton grinned and threw his arm around Ben's shoulders.

"I'm glad you're my brother, Ben. I don't think there's a better one in the world."

"Really? Thanks Cole! I try my best to be a good brother. Of course sissy makes that difficult sometimes."

"Aves makes a lot of things difficult."

Sharing a laugh they headed out to the backyard, finding the ground in their patch of garden mostly turned already.

"Daddy did that while you were gone. He said it's really hard work and we'd be out here all day if he didn't start it."

Colton nodded and picked up a shovel, turning the dirt just a little more, while Ben got down on his hands and knees, pulling a few weeds up from the perimeter of the garden. They worked in silence for a long while, both lost in their own thoughts but focused on the work ahead of them.

Once Colton had turned the dirt and carved out rows for the seeds, he handed Ben a Sharpie and several wooden stakes.

"What are these for?"

"I'll tell you what I'm planting in each row and you write it on the stake and shove it in the ground. This way I know where everything is, and what needs extra water."

"Wow, you're smart Cole! That's great. What are you planting first?"

"Corn. It grows the tallest so it will give shade to some of the other stuff that needs it."

"That's a good plan. I'll write corn on this one."

They worked like that for a while, Colton planting the seeds while Ben diligently wrote their names on the wooden stakes.

"How do you spell zucchini, Cole? I sounded it out but it looks like a swear."

Colton walked over to inspect, laughing at the _zookeenee_ he found written.

"Hey sissy!" Ben called to Avery, who was playing with Thomas on the other side of the yard. "How would you spell zucchini?"

"With a Z, Ben! Duh!"

Ben rolled his eyes and reached for the packet of seeds that Colton handed him.

"Oh wow. Is zucchini a different language?"

"Could be. Want to help me cover all the seeds up now?"

"Yep! Boy, this is fun and dirty work."

"The best part is when everything starts to grow and your hard work pays off. See, that's why hard work is worth it. That's why we go to school so in the future we can have good jobs. It's why mama and daddy give us chores and consequences, so they can shape us into good people. It's why we're going to go get Rebecca and help her to grow because someday she might change the world."

Ben nodded as they continued to work, but across the yard, Adam and Lindsay snuggled together on a lawn chair and listened to the conversation the boys were having. Colton was right, all the hard stuff, the tears and frustrations and fights, all of that was worth this moment.

Avery joined the boys after a few minutes, helping them push all the dirt back into place over the seeds before finding her Ariel watering can in the sandbox and handing it to Colton to fill. He laughed and took it to the spigot anyway, filling it for her before filling two larger watering cans for him and Ben to use. They worked together to get everything watered and pretty soon they were standing back admiring their handiwork.

"Coley, could you grow me some cheese?" Avery asked curiously, twisting her hair around her finger.

"Cheese don't grow in the ground sissy!" Ben laughed.

"Well then where do it come from Smarty-Face?"

He hooted even louder, doubling over and holding his sides while she scowled.

"Aves, cheese comes from milk. That comes from cows. Remember, you helped papa milk cows before."

"So how does the cheese come out? An' why is it different colors?"

"Well it's just made with milk Aves."

"Mama!" she shouted excitedly. "We could get a cow? Let's name her Bessie!"

She took off running towards them, jumping onto the chair they were sharing. It groaned, lurched to the side, then fell completely apart, depositing them on the ground with a loud thump.

Colton fell to his knees with laughter while Ben rolled around on the ground, unable to catch his breath. Avery whimpered in embarrassment or pain, they weren't sure and around their own laughter, Adam and Lindsay tried to make sure she was okay.

"I didn't mean to break the chair!" she sniffled, rubbing at her eyes. "Am I real fat?"

"No honey. Daddy and I were giving the chair a run for its money already. You just helped it along."

"Oh. So you and daddy are fat."

"Hey! I've been working out."

"Oh whatever daddy."

"You'd better believe it, kid," Adam laughed, picking her up and holding her over his head.

"Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Boys, lookit me!"

"I can see your underpants, Aves."

"Daddy, put me down! You're making me flash the boys."

He laughed and settled her on the ground again.

"Well kids, what should we do tonight?"

"Something fun!" Ben suggested, jumping up from the ground. "Let's go out for burgers and milkshakes, and after that let's see a movie! And later after that, we could go to the store and each pick out a prize."

"Slow your roll, little man. Such a night is not in the budget."

"Even the milkshakes?"

"Don't you think mama and I have dinner already worked out?"

"No."

"He's onto us!"

"Cole, they're crazy," he sighed, looking up at his brother. "Real ridiculous."

"Yep. Let's go inside and get washed up and then think of ideas for things to do tonight."

Ben nodded and followed him into the house while Avery trailed behind shouting out her opinions on the matter.

"So what are you planning for dinner then?" Lindsay asked, standing up and gathering up the chair pieces to throw away.

"I bought pizza stuff when I went out this morning. Figured it could be for tonight or whenever."

"You're a good man Charlie Brown."

"Think Colton's going to be okay?" he asked, leading her into the house.

"I think if we're there for him and pay attention to his cues, we'll at least be able to help him if he's not."

"I wish we were better prepared for stuff like this."

"I do too. But he knows we're doing our best."

He locked the back door behind them and they found the kids already laying on the living room floor, with a large roll of parchment paper in front of them.

"Pull up a crayon guys! We're drawing our favorite things!"

"We thought we could hang this in the stairs so we can all see it every day," Colton explained, tearing the wrapper off of a crayon before handing it to Avery. "And we're going in age order so you guys go over there."

"I get to be the caboose!" Avery giggled, underlining her preschool scrawl of "Avery's Favorite Things" that Ben had helped her to spell. "We agreed that our most favorite thing for all of us is our family, so the boys drawed that at the very end. See, all us and the Messers, then Mac and Jo, and Flack and Jess and the kids! It was a lot of stick people to draw."

"Count 'em up, sissy!"

Carefully she touched each person and counted, smiling when she reached sixteen.

"Yep, and we leaved a space to draw Becca when she comes because we did not know really how to draw her just yet. But that will be one more people. How many Ben?"

"That will be seventeen people. Seventeen that we love with all our hearts."

"Yep, that's a lot. Daddy, what are you drawing for your favorite thing?"

"I haven't decided yet. There's too many things I love."

"Oh. How about you mama?"

"I'm still thinking too."

"I drew books, Aves," Colton said. "And a chalkboard because I like learning. How about you Ben?"

"Is that man throwing up?" Avery asked, looking at Ben's drawing of a man with something coming out of his mouth.

"No sissy, don't be silly. Those are lines of laughter. Because that is my favorite thing. Laughter and being joyful."

"I drawed Thomas," Avery supplied. "But that is no surprise to anyone. Oh daddy, are you drawing our house?"

"Yeah. My favorite thing is all of us being home together."

"That's good. I like that a lot too."

"And mama's favorite thing must be love because she's drawing a heart! Boy, this thing sure makes me feel like a happy fella. It was a great idea, Cole. I'm glad we will get to see this when we wake up in the morning and before we go to bed at night. It's the greatest."

"I agree whole-heartedly, Ben," Avery said, tossing her arm around his shoulders. "It is most wonderful."


	305. Chapter 305

"Mama!" Ben shouted, hopping down the stairs.

"What's up Ben Ry?"

"Something is majorly wrong with sissy!" he explained, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the stairs. "She looks like she got attacked by a huge army of mosquitos!"

Knowing exactly what's going on she followed him upstairs and into Avery's room where she found her daughter sitting on the bed with the definite marks of childhood illness. For a moment she tried to remember if any of the kids had chickenpox yet but she came up empty, 0 for 6.

"Hey sweetie. Itchy?"

"Not much. What is wrong? Was it a skeeter attack? We need to gas this place."

"No sweetie, it's just chickenpox," Lindsay assured, pulling her phone out to call Austin and warn her of the germs.

"Oh no a chicken attack?"

"That's just the nickname for it."

"What is the real name? Roosterpox?"

"Varicella zoster virus."

"Oh. I like chickenpox better."

"It's nothing to worry about, but you can't scratch, okay?"

"So I will just look ugly at gymnastics?"

"No gymnastics, kiddo."

"Forever?" Avery asked warily, wincing as she looked at herself in the handheld mirror.

"A week or so, that's all."

"Will I get sick too, mama?" Ben asked, hovering by the door.

"Probably. Lift up your shirt, it usually starts on your belly."

He obeyed, his face paling at what he saw.

"I got it too! Hey Cole, wake up! We're infected!"

Colton sleepily stumbled into the room, his bare chest covered with the telltale marks.

"Well this is sucky. Mama, do you got it?"

"Nah, daddy and I both had it when we were little. We won't get it again."

"How long have I been full of germs?" Avery asked, scrunching up her nose.

"About two days, sweetie," Lindsay answered while the voicemail picked up.

"I infected Daniel!" she wailed, throwing her hands in front of her eyes.

"Just how did you do that sissy?"

Waiting for the answer, Lindsay inconspicuously held the phone out so the conversation would be captured for Austin to laugh about.

"I said, how did you infect my best buddy?"

"Well last night… I kissed him clear on his lips!"

"WHAT?!"

"He was so handsome!" Avery defended, crossing her arms over her chest. "What was I supposed to do?"

"Aves, what got into you?"

"I just liked how his face looked and how he is nice so I kissed him. That is right boys, I kissed Daniel. Okay?"

"So that's why you were both actin' so weird when I came back from pooping!"

"But-"

"I've been betrayed! This is so gross! Now I know how Ron Weasley felt when Harry and Ginny was in love."

"I am NOT in love with Daniel. He just gots softish lips an' most nice eyes."

"Aves, you can't just go around kissing boys."

"What should I kiss then, Coley? A fire hydrant?"

"You don't have to kiss anyone!"

"It is a way to show love, Coley. Just like how mama and daddy kiss us and how I kiss Thomas. But this time I kissed Daniel like in the movies because he's 'tractive."

"This is a gross conversation, sissy," Ben sighed, shaking his head and scratching his chest. "I don't even kiss Charlotte and I am in love with her like a crazy person."

"You kids are so weird," Colton sighed. "Trying to grow up too fast."

Lindsay moved into the other room to leave the rest of the message for Austin, and then calling Jess because all the kids had been together a lot the last several weeks and Teagan and Liam had probably been exposed too.

"I bet we got Isa sick on accident," Ben sighed heavily. "Because we all hugged her a lot on account of her coming back from that California place."

"Yeah, I'm glad she's back, but she seemed a little quiet. Like not herself."

"I told that to daddy and he said it might just be the time difference."

"She hugged me so, so, so big," Avery said with a smile. "It was the most big hug she ever gived to me and even she kissed both my cheeks and said that she loved me."

"I'm just glad she's back. Even if she seems different, I really missed her."

"I did too," Ben agreed. "She's the only one who laughs at my puns."

"Alright kiddos, go ahead and line up so I can take your temperatures."

They obeyed Lindsay's instructions and she gave each of them their own thermometer, having found it easier to have three instead of one that she constantly had to disinfect. They all beeped nearly at the same time and she found the kids all with very low fevers, but enough that she needed to get them back to bed and hydrated.

"Mama where's daddy?"

"He went in to work after you went to bed last night. He'll be home in a bit."

"Oh, okay. I just want to make sure he is here to help you take care of us sickies."

She smirked and went into the bathroom for the calamine lotion. Avery insisted that she wasn't itchy at all, but the boys had already started to scratch at their chests, so she administered the pink liquid liberally and had them put on light t-shirts.

"Want to take a bath, Averylin?"

"I suppose I would like a luxurious soak," she said with a nod. "Put mine hair up please?"

Lindsay quickly braided her hair and turned the water on, then went downstairs for some oatmeal.

"Wait, I could have breakfast in bath?" Avery laughed when she saw the canister of Quaker Oats.

"Not exactly. This will help your skin to stay soft and not itchy."

"Mama, are you sure you know what you are doing?"

"Yes, I'm sure Averylin. Hop in."

"I never done had a chunky bath before. This feels real funny. And kind of slimy. But kind of nice!"

"Sit there and have your soak while I go get some juice for everyone."

Avery nodded and swirled her fingers in the water while Adam came in the front door, calling out to let them know he was home.

"We are upstairs!" Ben hollered, poking his head out the door of his room. "Afflicted with the chickenpox."

"Oh great," Adam chuckled, ruffling his son's hair. "That's about the best sickness you can get. You get to lay around and do nothing but you don't even feel bad."

"Yep! So far so good. And seein' as how we are sick and cooped up, it is a good time for you to buy me and Cole another video game!"

"We'll see. How are you feeling Colton?"

"The way I figure it, this means I get to lay in bed and read for a week. Chickenpox are practically vacation."

"Don't forget about me, daddy," Avery reminded, standing up in the tub. "I am the creature from the oatmeal lagoon!"

"You look a dream," he laughed, taking her hand and helping her to sit down again. "How's that bath?"

"It's pretty good. Did you ever take a bath like this?"

"Yep, I had chickenpox when I was your age and Gigi gave me an oatmeal bath every day."

"Oh. I miss Gigi. I am happy to hear stories 'bout her though. Are you going to go upstairs and sleep now because you were workin' all the night long?"

"Nah, I'll help mama get you guys settled first."

"Would you like to rock me, daddy? In the chair when I get in fresh jammies and when I am all cozy?"

"I would love to, sweetie."

"That would be great. I think that is just what I need."

"Me too, Tink."

* * *

"Ben come back here!"

"But mama I was just-"

"Benjamin, I have this pink crap all over my hands because I'm trying to put it on you. Now come over here and get some itch relief."

He sighed and stood before her, holding his arms out so she could adequately cover every itchy spot with the temporarily soothing lotion. He didn't like being covered in such a girly color but it would have to do for now.

"You know, I wish we would have got sick during school instead of summer. We can't even go to the pool or nothing right now!"

"I know."

"Are you almost done? The Messers are on skype, I wanna compare dots with Junior."

Lindsay snorted and nodded, sending him off into the other room while she washed her hands. It wasn't surprising that their counterparts had come down with the illness on much the same schedule, but because of her trip, Isa was still spot-free.

"Alright, they all have new sheets and all the pajamas are in the wash," Adam reported, coming out of the laundry room. "What's next?"

"We need some Drano for the tub. Avery pulled the plug before I could strain the oatmeal out."

Adam chuckled and shook his head, enjoying all this family time even if the kids were technically under the weather.

"I'll head to the store then. Anything else?"

"More medicine. The box is on the counter so you can take that in and just get the same thing. Maybe a different flavor though, they're tired of grape. And popsicles… should I write you a list?"

"That might be handy, unless you want to go and I'll stay here."

Lindsay glanced into the other room where the kids were crowded around the computer seemingly fine for now.

"Yeah, I think I'll get out of here. Thanks."

She started to leave but he pulled her into his arms and kissed her deeply until she clutched at him for support, wondering how in the world he could still make her knees shake.

"Dude," she chuckled, when they finally broke apart. "What?"

"I just want to make sure we have an understanding."

"We might have an understanding twice."

"Sounds good to me."

She smiled and grabbed her keys and phone before heading outside and into the car. The kids being sick didn't have her worried too badly, their fevers were manageable and none of them seemed to be in low spirits. The thing that had her biting her bottom lip in concentration was the way Isa had acted last night during family dinner. She'd been gone for over a week, so it was certain that her enthusiasm at seeing everyone would be high, but once she'd said hello, she remained quiet for the rest of the night. Lindsay had at first attributed it to the time difference and jet lag, but then Isa had crawled up into her lap and silently stayed there for almost half an hour. It wasn't like her at all. Usually she gave an explanation for her need to cuddle up with someone at it hadn't lasted that long since she was a baby. Maybe it was a hormonal thing; she was definitely getting to the age where her body chemicals would start working against her. But that didn't sit right in Lindsay's gut and she made a note to have a talk with the pre-teen once the chickenpox were thoroughly fought.

Finding a spot on the street, she walked into the bodega, grabbing a basket at the door and heading to the back where the medicines and first aid supplies were kept. A bag of cotton balls, more calamine lotion, Neopsorin and two boxes of fever reducer joined together in the basket before she walked through the rest of the store, looking for other things they might need.

"Hey Linds, fancy meeting you here."

Lindsay grinned and looked up at her best friend, finding her laden down with similar supplies.

"Hey. How goes things at camp Messer?"

"Isa's locked in her room, saying she doesn't want germs. Daniel is no worse for the wear, and Sarah has been painting in the kitchen all morning."

"Wow, pretty low key."

"How are things on your end?"

"About as you'd expect. The only time Colton has left his book is when your kids called on Skype and even then, I don't think it's going to last long. Ben and Avery seem pretty indifferent to the whole thing."

"I asked Daniel about Avery kissing him. He just rolled his eyes and said "Ma, that girl is nuts." But he blushed too, so we'll see about that."

"I had to explain to her that she can't just kiss everyone on the lips like that. She wasn't happy but I told her that cheek kisses are okay with permission and she seemed to take the deal. I didn't tell Adam though, I don't want him to have a heart attack."

Austin snickered and tossed some Twinkies into her basket while Lindsay reached for fruit pies.

"How's Isa since she's been back?"

"Hormonal. I think she's about to be graced with the Red Dawn."

"Poor girl."

"Which means that Sarah is probably going to start not far behind. I think I might send the boys to a hotel one week a month."

"That might be best for their safety."

They continued to shop the store and chat about the kids until they'd both acquired just about everything they could possibly need over the next few days. Laden down with two bags each, they parted at the front door and both headed for home.

* * *

"Mama could daddy please take off his beard?" was the first question out of Avery's mouth when Lindsay came home later.

"What?"

"Me an' Ben wanna know what he would look like!"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because daddy says you like his beard so he keeps it, just like you keep your hair longish because he likes it. So's he said we gotta ask your permission."

"Adam," Lindsay sighed, moving from the kitchen into the living room. "Are you seriously considering this?"

"I wouldn't mind taking it all off and starting over."

"Okay you can do that but I ain't gonna kiss you until it grows back."

"I thought we had an understanding."

"We'll see how I feel."

"I don't know kids, mama says she won't love me if the beard goes. Is it still worth it?"

"We wanna see, daddy!" Avery pressed, clasping her hands together. "It will be a learning experience."

"Guess I can't argue with that."

He headed upstairs and Lindsay sighed, knowing that it wasn't a big deal but only partially amused anyway.

"Alright kids, time for medicine. I got bubble-gum flavor."

They lined up dutifully and took the pink chewables, all wrinkling their noses at the taste.

"I think I like grape better," Colton said, sticking his tongue out. "Wow, that's pretty gross."

"Sorry. Hopefully you won't need it much. You three want to get some fresh air?"

"That means play outside!" Avery whooped. "I would love to!"

"Yeah, I need to go check on our garden anyway," Colton nodded. "Want to come help me pick some stuff Ben?"

"Sure! I've got a cravin' for some homegrown tomatoes."

The kids headed off outside while Lindsay put the groceries away and went upstairs.

"Oh babe," she laughed, seeing Adam's face covered in shaving cream. "Really?"

"It'll grow back and it will make them laugh. Win-win."

She stood in the doorway and watched him shave for a minute, then took the razor from him to finish up the job.

"You will do anything to make those kids laugh, won't you?"

"Absolutely."

She shook her head and rinsed the razor off in warm water, then grabbed a towel off the rack to wipe off a few spots of left over cream.

"So, what do you think?"

"You look hilarious. But it's not as bad as the first time you did this."

"Thanks a lot."

"Hey, I still love you, I'm just not gonna kiss you."

"Oh come on."

"No way man. I feel like I'm cheating on you with your evil twin or something."

Cocking an eyebrow up, he gently pushed her against the counter and kissed her, even as she giggled through it, tossing her arms around his neck.

"Gonna change your tune?"

"If he kisses like that I might leave you for your evil twin."

"You want to see what else he can do?"

"Not with the kids still awake."

"Party pooper."

"They'll crash early. Or I'll make them crash early, either way."

"Don't forget."

"I won't, not any time soon."

He smiled and kissed her again while she ran her hands gently over his chest.

"You know, the kids are playing outside. And I'm sure they'll be occupied for a while," she started, eyes going big and round.

"And the second we find ourselves in a compromising position, one of them is going to come looking for us."

"Want to change the locks on the house real quick?"

"I love you too babe."

"Alright then. Why don't you go downstairs and show them what their curiosity has done."

He chuckled and they went downstairs, joining the kids outside.

"Oh daddy!" Avery squealed, running to him. "You're so handsome but you don't look like my daddy."

"I don't?"

"Nope. I like your beard. It makes you look like a daddy not a young man."

"Oh I see."

"Know what?" Ben started, cocking is head to the side in observation. "I just seen what I will look like when I am an adult. It's like starin' into my future, except I will still wear glasses and have brown eyes like mama. Otherwise I can see me!"

"Is your curiosity satisfied then?"

"Yep!"

"Should I let it grow back or keep it this way?"

"Daddy, it needs to be back," Avery decided with a nod. "It is so weird with no whiskers."

"Alright, I'll grow it back."

She nodded and lifted her arms so he would pick her up, which he did, pressing a kiss to her hair.

"You're so silly for doin' this daddy."

"I like to do silly things sometimes."

"Yes, I know. That is why you love our family so most because we are silly."

"This is very true."

"Shall we eat dinner now? The boys picked much veggies for a salad."

"Yeah, it's about that time."

They gathered up the two baskets of various vegetables and made their way inside where the phone was ringing. Colton ran for it and made it first, answering happily.

"Oh hi Miss Shelly. Want to talk to mama or daddy? Both of them? Okay. I hope you have good news about us getting Rebecca. Here, you can talk to them now. Bye!"

He handed the phone over and joined Ben and Avery in the kitchen while Adam and Lindsay moved to the couch and put the phone on speaker.

"Hey Shelly, what's up?"

The social worker cleared her throat a few times before speaking, but both of them were sure what might be coming.

"I have some bad news."


	306. Chapter 306

Shelly had called them before with bad news. Of course she never called it bad news, she usually said they'd hit a snag or had a surprise, in reference to a signature that was missing or a document that wasn't correct. But to bluntly say it was bad news was not her style.

"What kind of bad news?" Adam asked warily, reaching over for Lindsay's hand.

"Have you watched the news today?"

"No, we haven't had a chance. Why, what's going on?"

"Remember at the beginning of this process when we'd talked about the possibility of Rebecca's country closing to international adoption, the way Russia did a while back?"

"Yes, but we haven't heard anything since then. Did something happen?"

"They officially put a ban on all international adoptions. We know they aren't accepting any new applications for adoptive parents, but we don't know if they're going to grandfather in those who have already been approved."

"So what happens? What do we do?" Lindsay asked, wanting to get up and pace.

"Right now, we wait. We have to get in touch with our in-country liaisons to see what the law actually states and if your adoption will still go through."

"What if it doesn't?"

"The official stance of the country is that their reason for closing to international adoption is so that their citizens will step up and take in these orphans. And that's a good thing, in theory, so what we hope is that children will start to be adopted."

"You're saying that Rebecca may never leave then. We may never bring her home."

"That's been a possibility from the beginning," Shelly agreed, hating giving this news. "But yes, this is another large roadblock that we're going to have to navigate."

"Is there anything at all we can do right now?" Adam asked, cracking his knuckles. "More money? More paperwork?"

"We don't know. Everything has just happened so I don't have a lot of information. As soon as I know anything, you'll know."

A silence fell and Lindsay sniffled a little, trying to figure out what to do. It was the most helpless feeling in the world.

"Listen, we still have almost 6 months until she ages out into an institution. There's still time and once we figure out exactly what's going on, there might still be something we can do."

"Okay. Thanks Shelly. Just um… give us a call when you hear anything else."

"I will. Sylvie is here if there's anything you or the kids need to talk over, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

They ended the call and Adam sat back on the couch, palms scrubbing at his eyes. Everything was so perfectly in place, all they had left to do was wait. And now, now they may never bring their little girl home. And even if the intention of the country was good, and he couldn't argue that, it didn't guarantee that Rebecca would have a home any sooner in her own country than she would with them.

"Hey babe," he started, sitting up. But Lindsay was already up from the couch, deftly wiping her tears away.

"There's nothing we can do about it right now," she declared. "No use crying over it. I need to go feed the kids."

"Hey, wait a minute. Don't you want to talk about this?"

"Later okay? I can't right now."

"Later, you promise?"

"I'll try, it's just… can you wait? Is that alright?"

"Babe that's fine, but you can't crawl into your little safe place and not let me in."

"I'm not doing that. I need to process, that's all."

He stood up from the couch and crossed to her, knowing the harshness of her words was borne of frustration and sadness rather than anger towards him.

"Okay. You have some space, but not for too long."

"It's not fair to you."

"It's fair enough. We take care of each other and this is me taking care of you."

She didn't say anything else, nodding gently and heading upstairs. He needed to talk about this, to come up with some kind of plan for every scenario and if she had enough information, she would have wanted that too. But right now he couldn't push her or she would push harder, push away. All he could do was let her go.

"Aren't we having dinner daddy?" Avery asked from the doorway, eyes large in question.

"Sure, Tink. You wanted salad right?"

"Yes, an' could we have chicken too? Because of chickenpox?"

He chuckled.

"Sure, let's see what we can scrounge up."

He swung her up into his arms and held her tightly, finding in some way that his worries were evening out, but in other ways, they were getting worse. Being with his children always eased whatever was going on, but right now seeing them happy and home just brought to light even more starkly the fact that Rebecca was still all alone.

"I love you so, so most, daddy. All the most of the most in the world."

"I love you too, Averylin. Even more than most."

"Oh wow! I am a lucky little girl."

* * *

He'd ordered the beer with no intention of drinking it at all and had mostly swiped his fingers through the condensation on the glass as he sat at the bar. Once the kids had been put the bed for the night and Lindsay was either asleep, or skillfully pretending to be, Adam had called Danny to meet him for a drink. He wasn't sure who else to talk to, as Lindsay needed more space than he'd thought, he obviously couldn't talk to his wife.

"That's heavy, buddy," Danny said, letting a low sigh escape his lips before taking a long drag of the beer he'd ordered. "What's going to happen?"

"No idea. For now, we wait."

"How's Linds takin' it?"

"Honestly? I don't really know. She said she needed space and we'd talk later. I thought once the kids went to bed, but she went to sleep."

Danny nodded and took another drink and cleared his throat.

"You think she'd say anything if you went home and woke her up now?"

"Besides trying to bite me for disturbing her sleep? Nah. Once she turns off, she's off for a while. She's gotta be the one to get started again."

"Life's a waitin' game then."

"Seems to be."

They sat in silence for a bit, Danny swirling the beer in the bottle a few times while he thought.

"You guys aren't always the best at talkin' things out when you need to," he said finally, pushing his glasses up. "That hasn't been a good thing in the past."

"We've done better the last few years. This is just more… sensitive I assume."

"Space is one thing, but if there's one thing our wives got in common, it's that need to run away from whatever they don't want to deal with. And you can't let her run, buddy."

"I know."

"Then you'd better get home and make sure she doesn't. Make sure she knows that you need her too."

"Yeah."

"Does she even know you're here?"

"I left her a note."

"Buddy," Danny chuckled, shaking his head. "You're a brave man."

"Shut up," Adam said with a wry grin, shaking his head.

"You'd better get home. I got the tab."

Adam nodded and left his now warm beer on the counter, checking to make sure he had his wallet before heading home. The streets were quiet as he walked, trying to figure out how he was going to approach his wife about this. He knew she wasn't ready to talk but he was more than ready and he'd given her space. It was time for compromise. It made him a little angry that she wasn't willing to open up before, and he tried to get rid of that feeling, or it would make things a whole lot worse.

Unlocking the front door, he toed his shoes of and went upstairs, peeking in on the kids. Everyone was sleeping soundly and as much as he wanted to hug and kiss all three of them, he didn't want to wake them up either. Carefully, he went upstairs, slowly opening the bedroom door. He changed his clothes then slowly pulled back the covers, as to not bother her with a rush of cold air. As soon as he lay down she sleepily scooted back towards him, needing him then even if she wouldn't admit it awake. His arms circled around her and he dropped a kiss to her hair, still mulling over what he was going to do.

"I'm afraid we're going to lose her," she whispered after a moment. "We're never going to bring her home."

"We might."

"We might not. And I'm going to have to start letting go of her just in case but I don't want to do that. I don't want to give up."

"We won't."

"I don't know what to do, Adam. She's not here. I can't hold her and tell her it will be okay. I can't go there, I can't stay here. When any of the other kids need me, I can be right there. But I can't do that for her."

"I know. It's hard to feel like we're loving her enough when she's not here to feel it."

Her breath hitched in her throat and she let herself cry, turning over to wrap herself around him because as much as she needed comfort, she had to give it too. His fingers swooped through her hair and he kept her close, crying his own tears for a while until she finally spoke.

"Thanks for letting me have space. I won't take as much next time, I promise."

"It's okay."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Always will, no matter what happens, okay?"

"Okay."

"Let's try and get some sleep. Maybe Shelly will have more information in the morning."

* * *

"Mom?"

"Lindsay? Hey sweetie. How are the kids doing?"

"Oh. They're fine. Not a lot of itching, not much bickering either. They like hanging out together so it's not so bad. The boys are teaching Averylin how to play Mario Kart."

"Something seems to be on your mind."

Lindsay sighed and continued to pace the hallway, popping her toes against the floor. She hadn't said anything out loud yet, she'd even avoided a call from Austin so she wouldn't have to talk about it. Normally she would never call her mom for something like this until it was resolved but this time that seemed to be all she needed.

"Mom, we might not get to bring Rebecca home."

There's a silence and then a long sigh from the other end of the line and Lindsay slid down the wall, playing with the locket around her neck and sniffling gently to herself.

"Oh honey. What happened?"

Lindsay explained it as best she could, trying to keep her voice even and making it almost to the end before her emotions showed through.

"All we can do is wait and see what happens, mom. And I hate that. There's nothing I can do and I've felt helpless through this whole thing but I always assumed she'd eventually come home."

"I know."

"I don't know what to do. Should we prepare the kids? Do we take down her bed? Should we just give up and move on?"

"Lindsay if you were pregnant and the doctor told you that you might not carry the baby to term, would you terminate the pregnancy? Stop dreaming about your child?"

"No, of course not."

"I know this isn't the same, but she's your child, legal or not."

"I… mom, I don't even know if I feel that."

"What do you mean?"

Lindsay bit her lip and ran her free hand through her hair. She hadn't confronted this particular feeling yet and normally she wouldn't ruminate on it with her mom, but suddenly it felt like she was talking to the only person who would listen.

"We've been concentrating so hard on getting her here and how life will change then that I haven't really felt like her mother. I can't care for her the way I do with the other kids. I don't know anything about her. I don't know about her birth parents, I don't know her medical history, I don't know the sounds she makes when she's tired or sad, I don't know what it feels like to hold her…"

She trailed off and started to cry, resting her forehead against her knees in shame. She'd committed to being Rebecca's mother and she knew that biology and law didn't matter as much as heart, but despite that she felt as if she wasn't doing all she could. She felt more like a social worker than a mother.

"Sweetheart, listen to me."

"Mom, what if I don't love her?"

"Lindsay, you love her. It's not going to be the same as it is with the other kids. Bonding with her is going to be harder, especially since you can't see her and be with her and she doesn't know you. That doesn't mean you love her any less."

"Mom, this whole thing just feels like something we're doing. Like some goal to achieve. She doesn't feel like my little girl, as much as I love her, she doesn't feel like mine."

"I know that's not true. Sweetie right now you're scared and frustrated and you're trying not to let yourself get attached in case something happens. Self-preservation is okay. It's normal. But it makes you feel terrible."

"I do feel terrible."

"It doesn't mean you are terrible. This isn't a typical path to having a child, it only holds that your feelings to it and to her aren't going to be typical."

"I think you're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm your mother."

Lindsay laughed a little and wiped at her eyes, taking a second to listen for the kids, just to make sure they were okay.

"I'm scared she's going to be stuck there forever. She's not healthy, mom. If she ages out and goes into an institution she's not coming out. She's barely got a hold on life right now and I'm so scared that we'll be told we can't have her and she'll be sent out of the orphanage and then she'll… I don't want her to die. If I had just started this earlier, if we had committed to it earlier, she might be home now."

"You can't do that, honey. You can't blame yourself for the deplorable conditions she's lived in and you can't take the blame for the fact that humans are cruel."

"I don't know how to do that. I should have been there. Something in me should have known about her and should have gotten to her before. I should have been more connected to her. I'm her… I'm her mother."

"Yes, you are."

"This is hard."

"No one said it would be easy."

"I know. I hear a fight breaking out, I'd better go."

"I love you honey."

"I love you too mom. Thanks for the talk."

They hung up and Lindsay took a moment to wipe her eyes and control her breathing before she went downstairs. Avery had thrown herself on the floor and was crying, face red and fists balled up at her sides. Ben was trying to reason with her while Colton sighed and put the video game away.

"Mama, she's going crazy and she won't stop!" Ben announced, his hands flying into the air in frustration.

"Averylin, sit up and tell me what happened?"

"Ben shrinked me and I losed!" she wailed, scrubbing at her eyes. "I falled down the jump!"

"I said I was sorry, sissy. I didn't know you were there."

"I am not mad at you!" she shrieked. "I am mad at losing!"

"Baby please lower your voice and talk to me like a big kid."

Avery shuddered a breath and tried to calm herself.

"I am frustrated," she said finally. "Because Ben done a accident and I did not get to finish my race because I was upset. I do not want to play anymore. I would like to take a nap."

"You know what? I feel like I need a nap too."

"Will you snuggle with me?"

"Of course."

"Okay. Ben and Coley, thanks for teaching me to play. Someday when I am not crazy, we will try again."

"It's okay Aves. Even mama and daddy fight over Mario Kart."

"You do, mama?"

"All the time."

"Okay."

"Boys, you think you need a rest too?"

They both gave her incredulous looks and she giggled, helping Avery to her feet.

"We'll be upstairs, you two be good."

"We will, mama."

The girls headed upstairs, Avery yawning and in need of a change of clothes. Lindsay found the more the kids changed their clothes, the less they tended to itch.

"Thomas!" Avery hollered, crossing her room. "You cannot lay on Becca's bed!"

Thomas looked at her lazily, then dropped her head back to her paws.

"Hey you stinker. Get down. Mama, get her down."

Lindsay smiled and picked the dog up off the small bed, setting her on the floor instead.

"It's okay if Thomas hops up there sweetie. We'll was the blankets again before Rebecca comes home."

"I know. But it is Becca's bed an' she did not give Thomas permission. That is all."

"Oh, okay."

Avery changed into pajamas while Lindsay picked up the discarded clothes and tossed them in the hamper, then they both lay down on Avery's bed together.

"Mama, are you sad today? Your eyes look weird."

"It's been a rough couple days. It'll get better. Nothing some snuggles with my girl can't fix."

"How about snuggles with me too?" Ben asked from the doorway. "Cole started reading and I figured I might come up here and share in the cuddling with my favorite ladies."

"Sure buddy, come on over."

They all rearranged until they were comfortable, one child on either side of their mother.

"This is the best," Ben said with a sigh. "Hey, when do I get too old for this?"

"Eventually you'll feel too old for it, but promise me when you do, I'll still get lots of hugs."

"Okay mama. And kisses too, just not in front of the guys. Well, 'cept for Junior, he knows I'm a mama's boy. He is too."

"I'm a mama's girl an' a daddy's girl," Avery nodded with a yawn. "I like it that way. Ben is you a daddy's boy?"

"Well sure! I love our daddy. He's the best. Someday I will be just like him. Will you be like mama, Aves?"

"Oh yes. When I have kids they will be most happy such as we are."

"My kids will be too. Wow, thanks for being so great, mama!"

"You're welcome."

"Someday, if enough people have as much love as we have in our family, maybe someday then the world will be a really great place. We gotta keep that love going. It could change all the bad into good. And that would be an awesome thing."


End file.
